The Drink Tank Issue 66 The Drink Tank Issue 66 From The Computer of Christopher J. Garcia who can be reached at [email protected] or at ska666 on AIM or by showing up at 1401 N. Shoreline Blvd, Mt. View, CA 94043 or by coming to BASFA on Monday at 8 at Emile VIlla’s The Hick’ry Pit or by just thinking loudly about him.

Yeah, any of those should work. Letter Graded Mail I think he did say that, though in the from my Gentle Readers film Chaplin they make a mention about it. Chaplin did several talking pictures First off, we’ve got my man who has (it’s a fad!) including one with Buster broke on through to the other side, Mr. Keaton and a couple in the US after his Peter Sullivan! troubles. The idea of photographing historic I’m back. Well, sorta. In some senses, Finnish buildings as a hobby does sound I never really went away, as FAFIA, the *very* M, I must admit… latest addition to the wonder that is I on the other hand want to photograph www.efanzines.com proves. But I’m back all of the historic Fannish Buildings. home, back at work and back working on a That would be very Chris. loc to The Drink Tank. : Or Why I’ve Never Gone Back Good to have you back. I didn’t get FAFIA by for some reason. I think there was some Judith Morel email issues goin’ on. I’m glad to hear that you’re back up and at it! There are two people who really think I just knew that trying to blow off Eric that The Daily Show has gone downhill: Clapton was going to get you into trouble. Christopher J. Garcia and Judith Morel. Whilst you’re at it, you might as well Chris doesn’t like it because it’s stopped describe Lord of the Rings as “comparable being a comedy show about the news and to Stephen Donaldson at his worst” and started being a news show that just happens admit that you never really understood what to be funny. I hate it for a different reason: that Philip K. Dick chappie was on about, because is a living Ghod! either. All three of these gentleman have OK, you’re wondering this: how the FANS. That’s not just fans, you understand, Hell is Lizz Winstead? She’s one of the but FANS. You would have thought that the co-creators of The Daily Show. She’s also fact that Mr. Clapton is referred to by the one of the funniest women in the world. Claptonistas as “God” might have warned If you’ve ever met her, and I have twice, you off a bit. you’ll discover that she’s personable and Yeah, I should have thought about that. smart, everything that everyone thinks the I actually am not a Phil Dick fan, but Daily Show is. She’s shown up on shows the real danger would be saying that like Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn and you don’t think Robert Heinlein is the been hilarious. In 1998, she had a minor greatest writer ever. The Heinlein Society problem. will attack your compound if you do that! In the early days of The Daily Show, Interesting to see you list The Great they had the best group of correspondants. Dictator as Chaplin’s most important film. There was Lizz Winstead, Beth Littleford, I’d agree, but of course ironically it’s also Brian Unger, Stephen Colbert and David his least typical film, not least for being the Wain and Michael Showwalter, formerly of only talkie. Didn’t Chaplin say that, had he The State. There’s never been a better bunch known about the holocaust, he wouldn’t of people to do the fake news than those six, have felt able to make the film? though by early 1997, it was down to Unger, Must Have Them Too...

How many people in and around your life are event friends? That is to say, that when a certain event rolls around, you’re always there and hanging out and other such fun and then when the event isn’t around, they’re not either? I got a lot of them, not on purpose, but mostly due to my combination of Winnstead, Colbert and Littleford. They were scatterbrain-ism and extreme run-about doing amazing stuff in their reports, and goings-on. they still did completely fake news at that point which I loved. It was a good formula until the host at that point, , one of the funniest men to ever live, did an interview with Esquire in 1997. The Daily was just starting to heat up and get the first big time recognition. In the interview he said “Liz finds me very attractive. If I wanted her to blow me, she would.” Well, with Winnstead being one of the producers of the show, this didn’t go over well. Craig was suspended for a week, when Colbert took over as anchor and was absolutely hilarious, I went to the first Cinequest and then he came back. volunteers' meeting and ran into folks I And Liz quit...or so they say. see only around the festival. People who There’s been a lot of conjecture, but run theatres and with whom I have lots of here’s what the story is as far as I’ve ever fun little stories. It reminded me that I’d heard: there were meetings to see whether finally get a chance to see Loan, a girl who or not to fire Kilborn. Winnstead wanted is always around during the fest, but I don’t him gone, but they backed Kilborn instead. think I’ve ever seen her anywhere else. In That led to her leaving the show that she fact, I’m almost positive that I have not. founded. She’s a funny lass and I really should try to I shouldn’t be angry still, should I? I hang out with her more. mean, Kilborn’s gone and he’s been replaced At cons, there are all sorts of folks. by the lovable . Everythine There’s the Las Vegas crowd, though I’m should be fine, right? Well, why wasn’t always trying to find a way to make it down Winnstead brought back? Craig left a little there more often, and there are folks who more than a year later and she could have make up the Food Amoeba that I only see been asked. If she had, I’d have been OK at cons (though Robert Hole is no longer in with it, but they didn’t. Sucks. that bunch because he’s coming to BASFA I asked her once if she still watches now, though there’s another group where I The Daily and her response was “Yeah, it’s only see people at and no where else). damn funny.” I guess I don’t have a reason Does this make me a bad person? I anymore if the woman wronged is still don’t think so (there are much better things watching, but I’d rather hold my grudge and that make me a bad person), but I honestly get to bed a little earlier than watch it. should try a little harder to hang with the That, and with Jon Stewart on screen folks I hang with so often at specific periods every night, I might have other issues...You at periods which are not so specific. beat then into a ronds de jambe en dehors.” My Return to Ballet and no matter how much more complete you by think you say it, the dancer and the Ballet SaBean MoreL Master will always make you clarify your Photos of Santa Clara statement and plans. The old Choreographer Ballet by Natasha Levitan for Chicago Lower would only submit written descriptions, never even talking to the ballet For the last few weeks, I’ve been living master about how they should do it and in the city of Boston. she’d always complain afterwards that they I hadn’t lived here for got it wrong. years, but I moved back when I figured I had I went to the interview and we talked no reason not to. It’s a lot different without about my experience and they seemed Chris coming by to mindlessly chat, M to interested, even though I had never really hang around talking about guys/girls/ done any ballet choreography. We talked objects, Jay coming by about influences and such to play on my computer, and they said that they’d and even, God help me, like me to prepare a series without Judith around to of two minute pieces for provide an object of silent various types of dancers: contempt. I miss those one for athletic dancers, days, but there are things one for lyric dancers and I miss more. Dancing was one for young dancers. It one of them. For years I’ve took me a couple of days, wanted to try again, and I but they liked what I gave did for a while, but I knew them and offered me a I’d never be able to do the job...as their Rehearsal full business again. So Lead instead of as their when I moved out here and choreographer! started looking for a job, I So, I’m in charge found an ad for a gig that I of running training and had to have. rehearsals for Ballet Boylston. They’ve got Wanted: Choreographer for Small Ballet six principals and usually bring in seven Company or eight guests for every thing they do. I’m I’ve been away from Ballet since I happy getting to be around dancers again, popped my ACL and tore my knee and just and I’m making a little money too. Not about destroyed everything south of my much, but enough to pay rent and go to the thighs. I got better enough to start doing movies twice a week, and now Judith isn’t some Modern Dance, but that didn’t really the only Morel with a job. make me feel like I was back where I wanted to be. I wanted ballet. I’ve done a little choreography, even did it for a music video that a friend’s band in Dallas made, but Ballet is a much different beast. While you can tell a regular dancer ‘Go up and shake it and try not to turn your back on the camera’, and they’ll say ‘OK’ and go and do it. You have to be so much more specific for ballerinas and belleros. ‘I want a battement tendu, hold a The Greatest Movie Never Finished Oh yes, it exists...sort of. A few Why My Job Rules...And Microsoft Sucks! years back, I was obsessed. I had to find what existed of The Day The Clown Allison, our Registrar, came by my Cried. I worked my magic and managed desk this afternoon. to find someone who had five minutes of “Chris, you’ve got a visitor by the bad VHS footage. I watched it and it was name of Master Chief. He’ll meet you on the interesting...or as interesting as five minutes loading dock.” of poorly transferred film can be. I’d been waiting for a long time, at The story is legendary. Jerry Lewis least a week, for Master Chief to show up. plays a clown who is arrested for making For those who don’t know, Master Chief is gags against Hitler. He then is duped into the guy from Halo and we were getting a leading children into the gas chamber six foot stand-up figure the likes of which at Auschwitz. The script alone is almost Microsoft used at ComDex and CES. I was legendary, as Ben Stiller and friends used happy that there’d finally be something to host readings of it at local coffee houses. video game related at the museum. There are lots of The Day The Clown Cried Only problem fans out there who want nothing more than was, MS’s shippers to see it released, mostly so it can serve as a busted the damn what not to do when making a comedy. thing! They broke True, there have been concentration through one of the camp comedies done in the past, but The knees and the other Day The Clown Cried is a perfect example of was cracked to hell! the ways in which comedy can go all the way Those measly, rotten, wrong. dumb-shipping Still, I wanna see it something fierce. company bastards! so that if he came My Idea of a Good with me to the record Robot store, I could hand by him the CDs and have Christopher J. Garcia him burn them to his hard drive and play Giving my choice, I’d take a them for me whenever robot servant over a I wanted music. helper monkey any He’d have to have day of the week. Yes, some form of fridge I love monkeys, I stocked with bottles really do, but I’m one of water, Sunny of those guys who Delight, Capri Sun, thinks that robots and most importantly, are cool, and by cool, a single Dr. Pepper I mean totally sweet. for when I need the I have to say that pick-up. He’d have when M was talking to have an internet constantly about her WiFi connection and space station idea, I massive amounts of was thinking about storage. He’d also robots. download the full In fact, when Internet Movie Data M and I have done Base and everything a lot of stuff I’ve on eFanzines.com and been thinking about update once a day so robots... that even in a dead The perfect zone, I’d still have the Robot would not follow Asimov’s rules. It info. He’d also be able to dance and quote would be blindly obedient and violently movies, would have a sense of humour but no vengeful when I was injured. Think of the concept of freedom. Yeah, that’s be sweet. robot girlfriend that Warren builds in Buffy. But that all said, there’s a lot of rough That’s the type of robot I would love...well, if stuff in there. First off, he’d need massive I wanted a chick-bot, which I would, but not amounts of storage. I’m saying he’d need at for my day-to-day robot needs. least 10 to 20 Tbytes to start. That’s a tall What I’d want for everyday use would order for something that should be roughly be a wise-cracking robot (ala Bender from human sized and still have fast access. The Futurama) who can dance and has all the fastest way to do it would be a single drive capabilities I would possibly need. I’d need with fast transfer, something in the 100- him to have on-board music capabilities, 200 G/second range. That’s about as fast as I’m thinking. In addition still a long way to go to massive amounts before the levels that I’m of storage, it’d also thinking of are practical. require huge amounts The processing (and the of processing speed. I’m interdependent pass-offs) thinking a petaflop at are probably longer off. least. In reality, a few But in a robot, I’d 3-5 Gigaflop processors also want a certain level would be fine for most of of humanity. I mean, why the work (like movement, make a robot that you reasoning out a course can’t relate to. That leads to travel) and another to the problem: Why few for extraordinary would I want to hang tasks (media controller, around with a robot that situation analysis, would tolerate doing my printing and so on). It every whim? It’s a tough would really require some question, it really is. hard core shielding as There are other well to protect processors considerations. As all and drives from all sorts robots will, nay MUST, of issue (anyone who rise up and destroy their has tired to use a laptop masters, I’d be forced outside on a hot and to have my robot have sunny day will know why either a big red off button that is). Cooling would be that is easily reached, important (water cooled? or have his strength be Freon?) and there’d have limited so that he could to be excellent battery life. not do much damage Some early experimental to me before I could do robots would actually enough damage to him. figure out when they were That would also limit running low on batteries the amount of groceries and then would go and he could carry, so that find an outlet and plug won’t be happening. In itself into it and recharge. addition, there’s have to One of those is on display be a trigger word that in the Star Wars Exhibit would cause the 'bot to at the Museum of Science go into hard turn-off. in Boston. We loaned it to It’s kinda like a safety them and I cleaned it up word in kinkitude. You for 'em. The computing couldn’t use a lot of stuff that I’m talking things, like names of A Robot called Sico (which had a role about is probably still a places (Delaware is a in Rocky IV with James Brown and Sly few years away (The Disk great safety word usually) Stallone) with Leonard Nimoy at a Star Drive Industry is saying or of objects (if someone Trek Con (so the company’s founder that Terabyte drives are says ‘OOh, look at that told me), with Weird Al at the Circle likely to start popping up submarine’ or ‘Damn, the Star Theatre in 1985 or so and with the on standard, off-the-rack Democrats are trying a incredibly hot (at the time) Marie Osmond computers in the next filibuster’) that wouldn’t at the LA premiere of Rocky IV. five years) but there’s be good. Boy (leaving out Brush Up My Johnny because Strangeness There’s a Mr. Johnny’s Father tradition me and my can never remember group of friends that his name) to see a gather at Cinequest baseball game to every year have. show them what We call it The it means to be an Falcons. It’s a group American. He fails of kids in modern to notice that the who Dodgers have moved happen to be named out to Los Angeles, Johnny, Johnny, so he takes them to Johnny, Johnny the docks and has and Pony Boy. them watch some The fi ve of them have little adventures Bum Fights. That’s the type of bit we’re that we talk about in the ‘Aw geez, we din’t always working on. mean nothin’ by it, honest.’ fashion. It’s You see, since we had all these a weird bit, but it’s fun. We also added a concepts around, and since we’re all character called Mr. Johnny’s Father, whose fi lmmakers and a couple of them guys can voice sounds remarkably like Christopher draw, we fi gured it would be a good idea to Walken’s. He always saying things like make a cartoon series based on them. So, ‘Look, kids, I dunno which one of youse enter The Falcon: That Crazy Gang of Kids did it, but I wanna know who ate the bag stuck in a different time. We’re going to be of airline peanuts I’d been saving for my working on it at Cinequest, but we’re hoping birthday.’ He’s a weird character, always ot start pitching it soon along with our other trying to make Johnny a better kid. In one project: 30 Second Walken. of the concepts I came up with, he tries I’ll tell you more about that later. to take Johnny, Johnny, Johny and Pony

My Novel, My Screenplay Cinequest Party Time Like I’ve mentioned, So, I fi nished CInequest is coming up and writing my NaNoWriMo I’m very excited (as is obvious novel in three days and from all the references to it I’ve I’ve been sitting on it been making). It’s the one time ever since. That’s pretty of year that I take two weeks typical, except that I want off and work harder than I ever would at work. The biggest reason that to make it into a movie. Cinequest is great is that there are a ton of The next Christopher J. fi lm folks around, much like the reasoning Garcia writing project will be the script for for loving cons, but even more so, there’s the Rutager’s Laptop. I’m working on setting up drinking. the A Prairie Hotel Convention script, whihc I don’t drink often, but at Cinequest, should take a few weeks, then to the heart of it’s pretty much required. After the last the matter! screening of the night, you head off to The biggest issue will be how to the bar where the party’s at, you order a take the constant bits I threw in (everyone Manhattan, follow that up with another and wanting to catch a fl ight for Haifa, as an that’s your night. You stay up fl irting with example) and still have it make sense...or as starlets until you're sober, then head home. much sense as it possibly could make. Mia Kirshner is a The Sexiest Province: Ontario! lovely young woman who I Some people may believe that first saw in The Crow: City California produces the most talent and sex of Angels. She’s super- appeal in the acting industry. There’s some mad-wicked-champion cause to believe that, as we were the ones hot, eh? She was good in who gave you such gems as Willie Brown, Not Another Teen Movie Tom Hanks, The Olsen Twins, Michelle and is currently on The L- Pfeiffer and others, but there’s a place that Word on Showtime. She’s can claim a larger call: Ontario in that worth checking out, if only whacky country to the North, Canada! for the pretty factor that If you saw Mean Girls, you she adds to everything. saw Rachel McAdams, a fine young So, there you have four actress. She may have seemed like incredibly hot stars, at least one the perfect LA princess, but she’s of which is a fine actress, another originally from London, Ontario. who has flashes of brilliance, and She now lives in Toronto. That’s one who plays a lesbian on TV! But a good have, Miss McAdams, but there’s more, much more, to this that’s just the beginning. list when you think of just a few random people. Born in OK, she wasn’t Guelph, Ontario, born in Toronto, but Kate Neve Campbell is Kelton was a Toronto another hot girl who resident for years and went from Ontario years. When we made The to acting. Her Party Last Woman on of Five years were (which is showing at probably her hottest, Cinequest this year) me but she did steam and Steve had to figure things up in Wild out a way to get her a Things. work permit for the US! Yes, She’s going to explode in Estella Warren the next couple of years, is a terrible trust me, and I’ll be there actress, but to ride some coattails! name me one other Sandra Oh Synchronized is one of my least Swimmer who favourite actresses, made it in the but she’s thought movies? She of as hot. She’s of was bad in Korean descent and everything from she worked with Planet of the Miss Kate on the film Apes to Driven. Cake. I didn’t see Kangaroo Jack, but I So there is imagine she was awful there too. I’m hoping the proof that Lloyd she studies her craft and goes the way of Penney lives smack once-limited Halle Berry and start popping in heart of the land her top on the way to Oscar gold! That of the Hot Actress. would be sweet. WonderCon: Before, During and After Pre-Flight Rituals in my friend Anel’s cube. I had to plan it It’s three days until WonderCon and right so that no one would be any the wiser. I’m not at all prepared. I’ve been lollygagging I burned a few on my machine, researching around, doin’ nothin’ at all to prepare for addition to the Timeline of Computer the start of my Con-Going year. Typically, in History (anyone got any ideas for things to the days and even weeks before a con, I’m add about Software?) and burning away. I preparing in many different ways. If it’s an planned my Wednesday Morning attack. out-of-town con, I’m making mix CDs for my I woke up at 6:03 and took my bath, drive (typically to LA or Seattle or San Diego got dressed (sweater vest!) before heading or the like) and I’m doing research into the into work a full hour before anyone else panels that I’m doing. I always am well- pulled up. I swarmed Anel’s cube and prepared, even if I run around like a greased started burning at the blazing speeds her pig once I get there. machine allowed. It was only about an hour But this one’s different. before I had burned 40 CDs, which also Since Wondercon is a media con, allows for time to unwrap the cases, which I’m not on any panels. That means I can took longer than burning the CDs in some take a more relaxed attitude towards it. cases. I finished just as the Boss’s Secretary Still, I knew I had things to do and I hadn’t came in. done them by the time Tuesday had rolled Step 2- Make more. I needed at least around. 50, so I started to burn on my machine Mission #1: Make CDs of Science again. I got through 51 total, planning on Fiction / San Francisco. This would be the doing a few more, when my burner stopped first time almost all of the regulars for SF/ working. It would respond, but it wouldn’t SF would be in the same place, so I wanted open. When I did the manual open to get to be able to give them all CDs with various out the last disk, it took a lot to get it closed zines on it to give to the people they talk again. I sacrificed my CD Burner to make with at the con. I figured I’d need about 50 those CDs, so people better appreciate them! of them. Step 3- Labels. I print a lot at work, Step 1- raid Museum Supplies. Sadly, so no one ever wonders what I’m up to. In the Museum’s stores of CD Labels were fact, work encourages me to print my zines quite weak, so I made a run to the OfficeMax at work so that we can up our numbers and bought a ton of CDs and cases ($80) and get HP to give us more stuff. The good and a few packets of CD Labels ($20). That people at HP supply all the printers and ink allowed me to start ot make my set up. I used to print the BASFA and con editions started by burning on my CD recorder on of The Drink Tank, plus my FAPA and The my machine at work, but this was much too Everlasting Club submissions. I printed slow considering I could use the Fast Burner the 50 labels (the extra being unlabeled) and took them back to my desk. I am now least one political exhibit, which seldom of the opinion that the CD Stomper is the interests me, and there’s always a think on greatest invention of the Twentieth Century. comics that I will inevitably love. This time, So useful, giving you nearly perfect results the section on comics was about Horror every time...unless you put on the label Comics, and I love horror comics. I spent upside down and it sticks to the bottom of about an hour there before high-tailing it the Stomper, whcih Dag, our curator, did over to the convention centre. once, or you put the CD on upside down and put a label over the recorded part, which I At WonderCon! did a while back. This round went OK, with SO, I took BART up to the city and got the only damage being my fingers turning there early enough to visit the Cartoon blue from peeling off the labels and my Art Museum. I’m a huge comic art fan, fingers aching for the same. It happens. and since it’s just a couple of blocks from Thursday featured my next required Moscone West, I had enough time to wander planning: figuring out how to get there. I’m through, looking at the various pieces in not sure why, but I HATE driving to SF, the wonderful displays. so I always have to find They had a great exhibit on a different way. I usually horror comics that just had have to choose between me smiling the whole time. two things: either going up There were a lot of pieces on the CalTrain or taking from Gahan Wilson, who is BART. I’ll take BART most one of my all-time favourites, of the time, despite it being that really set the tone for a longer drive to get to and the entire exhibition. There it also means I’ll have to were a few things from Weird transfer at least once. This Tales that I recognized and time BART made sense, a bunch of House of Mystery despite it being a longer walk. It also meant that I’d have to bring a stuff that I really liked. The other displays book, which meant that Thursday became were political in nature and I didn’t like ‘Buy A Book’ day during lunch. It’s not like nearly as much as I liked the Horror Comics I don’t have a huge list of books that I could exhibit. There were a few pieces in the Israeli bring with me, but I always like to buy Political Cartoon part that really made me something new for the road. It helps pass think, especially since I couldn’t read them the time. I thought about it and realised in their original language. that I had an anthology to review for Some The regular collection includes Fantastic, FutureShocks. I put it with my political and editorial cartoons from the 17th stuff to take up to the city. Century onwards, while there were also a lot By Thursday evening, while I was of comic book and cartoon art pieces that watching Evelyn and playing Tony Hawk III, really excited me, especially the stuff from I was ready to go. I had taken Friday off of Windsor McCoy and Disney. Those are on work, so I could sleep in a bit before going display all the time, so it’s worth going to up to SF and partying like it was 1995. see. Before I got there, I had to go and hang out at the Cartoon Art Museum, just After that, it was off to Chevy’s for a couple of blocks from the Moscone Centre lunch at the bar and then to the Con. I had where WonderCon lives. It’s a great place, the three-item combination, which meant I almost great enough to get someone to visit was a bit logy. The fact that I was carrying SF just to take a look. Almost, I said. all the CDs with me did not help at all, and Anyhoo, the museum usually has at I was sweating fiercely the early part of the day before I could unload more than half of Indy comic artists would buy table space the CDs. Of course, I was also refilling the and sell their wares. I quickly latches on huge back I was carrying with tons of indy to the good people who make Journey Into comics, but those are always easier to carry. Misery, a great comic book anthology. It was really a lot of SF/Zombie/Killer Lobster fun. The first thing I did was take a circle I made the rounds and after a few hours, of the floor. This was no Hucksters Room Lon Lopez of Moron Life and the director like at WorldCon, this was one part dealer’s of my Cactus Club documentary, came by room, one part killing floor. Everybody and we filmed some bits. I talked to a lot of walking by any booth is a mark/cow ready people in costume, like guys dressed as the to be demoneyed/killed. As soon as you Ghostbusters, Wilkens and Stanley, and a walk in, you see the big booths of DC, View- few of the small timers who were there. I Askew, Lion’s Gate, Image and Slave Labor even got to interview Phil Foglio, who was Graphics. They’re all big booths, usually really nice and very funny. I got my biggest with booth bunnies and stars signing. laugh when I was looking at Peter David Beyond that were the dealers who were there and I was narrating from a distance. “That’s to sell their stuff at prices that were either Larry David, the guy who created Seinfeld outrageously cheap or far too expensive. and Curb Your Enthusiasm.” Lon then said Along one wall “No, that’s Peter were all the fan David, the guy who groups like the writes the Hulk.” Browncoats, the Pause. “Then why st 501 Star Wars are we wasting our group, and the time filming him?” like. At the end That got a laugh of that row were from the folks Bob Wilkens and who were walking John Stanley, around. former Horror Hosts of Creature Friday night, Features, along following a very with Mr. Lobo and large Thai dinner, Dr. Ghoulfinger, I watched the who are doing the new Firefly fan Horror Host thing these days. I got to talk to documentary Done The Impossible. It was all of them and I had a good time discussing very well-done, even if there were some weak the joys of El Santo films, bad horror and technical portions, especially the sound. In the magic works of Ed Wood and his friends. the docs that are made by the fan groups is that they are so lovingly made that they In the back corner were the Adult end up being fluffy. This didn’t happen, as stars. One of my favourites, Aria Giovanni, they were willing to question Joss’ choices was there. M once remarked that she was with the Serenity film. I liked it and I’d see it ‘almost as busty as me at only half the again if I could find it. size.’ My pal got to interview her while I was shooting and I had to keep from zooming I headed home on BART and while in on her chest, which was not easy. I’ve I was headed home, I was reading all my always had a hard time talking to women comics. The best of them I read that day that I’ve seen naked over the years. would have been Caught Creatures, a Monster haiku art book. It made me think The last part, right next to the that an all-haiku issue of The Drink Tank pornsters, was the individual title areas. might be an interesting step. on…with a loud, honking traffic jam raging just on the other side of the sidewalk. It was Returning on Saturday, there was nutty. After we exchanged all sorts of weird a massive line of people wanting to buy gags and running bits, we headed back and passes. Saturday was film day as they had watched the Masquerade, which was smaller Kevin Smith (didn’t see him), JJ Abrahams than BayCon, but with Foglio doing the (Alias, and I also didn’t see him), the Pixar MCing, it was really good stuff. Jean Martin panel (saw it, Cars looks OK), and Bryan and Dr. Noe were both in the Serenity entry Singer and the next Superman (saw it and into the Masquerade, whcih I believe won an other than fans asking stupid questions award too. I left a little early as Mr. Lobo was it was good). The main floor was really entertaining the crowd. crowded and I spent a lot of time talking with people like Mike Flores and doing some Sunday was a rough day. I was tired bits with Lon. I also watched the Horror and it showed. I headed up, reading comics Hosts panel where they had a contest to get on the way, and did a pass of the Floor a new horror host who came up with a great where I found a jerk of a dealer selling the catchphrase: ‘Take it easy, maggots!’. I’ll 1980s reference comics Who’s Who in the be using that line once in a while. I spent a DC Universe, which he wanted 100 bucks few hours walking around and I ended up for the full (minus the 1987 addendums) shilling for an indy comic creator pair. After run. I said no thanks and instead got those few hours, I went to dinner with Lon, gouged for a few select issues. Sadness. Mike, Sean Becker and Nate. We did Chevy’s and they sat us outside…in the cold…while I didn’t wanna see any of the panels, the Chinese New Years Parade was going so I met up with Diane Rooney of SF/SF. We were going to try and have an SF/SF lunch, Barbara? Typo in the title? Someone is but we couldn’t get to the rest of them, so seriously slipping here. I have to write you we ended up walking around and running that article I promised, Chris, or people are into Brad Lyau. Brad’s an SF history guy, so going to think locs are all I can write. we had a great little lunch at The Metreon and we talked about everything from history D’oh! Stupid fingers typing stupid typos to science fiction to comics to pulps to just on stupid keyboards! You should write about anything that popped up. Brad’s one that article for me. Nothing fancy, just of the more interesting SF history types, 30-50k words should do it! especially when it comes to knowing his Matthew Appleton is correct about stuff about the age of the pulps. the proliferation of the SF genre…if there’s After lunch, I did one more lap, made hundred of authors hacking out novels that sure to talk to those folks who I wanted to will ultimately compose a tax write-off for get interviews with one last time and headed the publisher, who stands out? Who do you home, reading the Who’s Who comics that I recognize as a big-name author? I’m afraid was gouged on. They were still entertaining. I could go to my local SF bookstore and not recognize half the names on the spines. After WonderCon I’ll go so far as to say that seventy I had hoped that something percent of the books I see I have no idea interesting would happen after I returned who the author is. The only thing worse home, but nothing did. I typed up my article is you go to a bookstore and you only the on the small press comics, I wrote a little names you are far too aware of and no of this article and I sent a few emails. All one else at all. of that happened before I took my NyQuil, closed my eyes and went beddy-bye with Fnord. vision of Aria Giovanni dancing in my head. These hundred-word essays do interest me, but perhaps they are a few More Letter-Graded Mail words short of getting to comment on them. From My Gentle Readers They sure are some slices o’ life, though. sent to [email protected] What do I want to be when I grow up? Ghod, I hope that never happens! I may get older, Let’s go with Lloyd Penney, the man from but growing up is not on the menu. Canada! You know, I realise now that I left Dear Chris: your piece out! I know I had it on my list Looks like my busy time has to include. Bummer. The Sequel will have evaporated, since any assignments usually to happen. given to me from the convention staffing 65…Another adventure across the fannish agency I work with seem to have gone to dimension. Maybe I’ll do better here? someone else, or possibly to another staffing agency altogether. So, time is on my side, for Oops, when you get called “Sonny”, once. Here’s a loc on issue 64 and 65 of The you know you’re in trouble. I can’t believe Drink Tank. how long David Bowie’s been around…I remember his Major Tom phase, his Well, sorry to hear that (though it’s all ambisexual phase, and just last night, I saw us FanEds’ gain!) him in an XM Satellite Radio commercial. 64…”The Hunt for Typos” by Barara Elvis Costello probably never guessed Haddan-Johnson? Shouldn’t that be where his bride, Diana Krall, came from, or even imagined what it looked like. I’ve The Morel sisters once again show been in Nanaimo, BC lots of times, and can so much of their core, and they’re brave understand that Diana’s had to start at the to do so. Perhaps this is a kind of therapy bottom of the bar scene to get to the top of to help them work things out, and explain the smooth jazz community. themselves to themselves. Or, they’re spinning tales to boost your page count, There are a lot of folks who’ve called Chris…I think it’s the former rather than the me Sonny over the years, most notably latter. You got my 100 word essay too, didn’t a gent named Richard Stahlman. I love you? You liked a part one loc that had 97 Diana Krall and was so happy when I words it, so I offered an additional three. heard she married my Elvis. All it took was one itchy trigger... Typically, SaBean and Judith will send me huge long articles (some over 10k I don’t drink coffee much, but I found words) and I’ll pare them down to what out in a documentary shown a few nights you see. SaBean has admitted that she ago that it is the second-most traded legal over-writes. Judith has not yet come to commodity in the world, behind oil. A $2 that conclusion. They do put it out there cup of coffee nets the grower exactly one though, and I respect the hell out of cent. them for it. I’ve heard even worse numbers, such as Chris, you and Judith and SaBean are for a one pound bag of coffee sold at a all unattached…why not pool your money store, the grower will net roughly the and rent a house? You all seem to be pretty amount of one of the beans in the bag. familiar with each other’s heads…or will a That’s scary. little too much familiarity breed contempt? When I cross the border, I have (to Separate rooms for each, and a common coin a phrase) all my papers in order. I have area to help each other get through these my passport, my birth certificate, the flyer difficult times. for the event I’m going to, and a printout of The only problem with that is that we’d my room reservation. The customs guards all make stupid mistakes and that’d know they’re screwed, and they let us go. be bad. Besides, Judith and SaBean That’s planning. There’s probably an can only be around each other so much upside to my fear of flying: it means before they start wantin’ to scratch each I don’t have much need to deal with other’s eyes out. Lovingly, of course. customs. Thank you, Thank You! for your Mack Sennett was born in Quebec in nomination for Best Fan Writer. I have 1880…it’s amazing how many silent film some hopes this year, and after finishing in stars are Canadian. If you were to come sixth place four times, I’d like to finish even to Toronto (hint, hint), I could show you fifth, and make the ballot. With the help of the site of Mary Pickford’s birthplace. A BASFA, who knows what will happen? Any children’s hospital is on that piece of land help is appreciated. now, but there is a historical site citing Supposely there’s a dangerous and Pickford and Douglas Fairbanks. feared BASFA voting block. I had no I’ll come, I’ll come! It’ll be a bit, but I’ll idea! I made sure to bring your name up show up sometime. You’ll see it this for the nomination thingee we’ve been issue that there’s a lot of good hot doing. actress types from Ontario! If this computer doesn’t eat this version of this letter (ate part of the last version), I will get this to you, I promise. Satriani. Let us not forget some of the Saw on the latest VFW that Toner 2 has great country guitar players, like my been cancelled…a shame, but more money man Flatt (or is it Scruggs?) and there’s for LAcon IV. Take care, and keep the DTs always Brian Setzer. coming… the Drink Tanks, I mean… Much agreement that the Drink Tank seems to always be about sex in one way, I was looking forward to it, but alas, not shape, or form, but it certainly seems a all that can be will be. given that issue #69 MUST be about sex, Yours, Lloyd Penney. and M will be standing tall as a contributor. (Deposit another 25 cents, please.) Thanks Lloyd! And now, John Purcell! She’s just sent me an email with the first Hello again, Chris. article for 69 and it’s a strange one. I’m It seems as though Jan Stinson and actually blushing... I ganged up on chiding you about your Your bit about silent film comedians comments about Eric Clapton. (Did you was wonderful. So many innovators, enjoy it, too?) It’s too bad you don’t like followed by so many imitators. But nothing the blues, which strikes me as a bit odd is as good as the original, IMHO. You considering that rock and roll is basically a touch on all of my favorites herein. What bastard child of blues. Lots of rock still uses has always impressed me is how Chaplin, the classic I-V-IV or I-IV-V chord structure; Keaton, and Laurel & Hardy (who started everything else is just a variation on a at the tail end of the silents) designed, theme, as it were. Be that as it may, I agree choreographed, and then implemented their with Jan about Hendrix making jaws drop, own stunts. Some of Mack Sennett’s stuff and mentioning Stevie Ray Vaughan in the was so Out There, that it’s still amazing same breath. And these two guitar greats today to watch and stare drop-jawed at the deserve to be mentioned together. When my screen and say, “How the f--- did they DO wife called me at work on that day in 1990 that?” Awesome cinematography, to say the to tell me that SRV had died, I cried. It was least. a great loss. Any of Harold Lloyd’s stunts just blow I just don’t get the Blues. Its chord me away. There’s the bit that Keaton structure isn’t what bothers me, it’s the did where he set the dress in the box in way it takes itself so seriously, I guess. the window frame, then jumped through There’s not a lot of fun in the Blues, it and was dressed in the dress. That was seems to me. Rock at least gives up a bit amazing. Of course, these guys would of the pretense. put their lives on the line, like when But hey, you mention other great Keaton let that house wall fall over and guitarists, too. I am an unabashed blues- the only reason he wasn’t squashed was lover, but Eddie Van Halen never ceases to because of the window square. A foot amaze me, and I do enjoy Vai, Malmsteen, either way and he’d have been killed. and a raft of others, such as Steve Howe. That’s a man for you! Yes, indeed, a bunch of great guitarists. Speaking of silents, a few weeks ago (I’m keeping track of my pun tax.) When while channel surfing before bedtime, I you also say that Keith Richards is all about got to TCM (Turner Classic Movies) just in attitude, that’s so true. He looked a bit time to catch the introduction and the very stooped and brittle at Super Bowl XL, but he beginning of “Greed”. I watched the first still sounded pretty good. hour before turning off the light; it was well I love Mr. Van Halen’s intros. Steve Vai after midnight, and I had to get up early for is as impressive as you’ll ever find, classes the next day. If I had known it was especially if you consider that I first going to be on, I would have set the VCR to heard him on a tape mixed up with Joe tape “Greed.” *sigh* But, it was just after the Minnesota Wild had defeated the Detroit Red Best Magazine. Of course, I don’t see Wings on OLN, so I was happy. Life’s simple them doing that anytime soon. pleasures, dont’cha know? A fine issue, my young friend. Thanks, I do like the Wild, and the Red Wings do and keep them coming! have a habit of destroying my Sharks All the best, (or in the day, my Whalers). Greed is so John Purcell worth watching. I wish I still had the video tape copy of the long one. So you’ll be doing a sequel to the 100 word issue? Spoken like a true cinephile. I’ll be looking forward to it. By the way, it is spelled Minneapa, not MinnAPA, unless that’s a new apa coming out of Minnesota that I am not aware of, which is very possible considering that I have been down in Texas for almost 5 years now and considerably out of that loop. I used to do the apa thing in a prior lifetime (*k-chink* here’s a quarter for someone who cares), but that was a long time ago. MinneAPA...sounds so made up! The sequel will be ages away, at least in my terms, which means it could turn up next week! I did have a few that I didn’t put in, but most of the really good ones ended up in issue 64. Sorry to hear about all the breakups, but really good news about how SaBean’s doing. Having good friends around like M will help her maintain a clean life-style. I’m pulling for her. Yeah, we all are. Her and M had a nice weekend. M, though hung-over from her Helsinki flight, took SaBean shopping on Newbury Street and then the two of them, and this is a direct quote, “Picked up a few guys and made them buy us drinks so we’d feel good about dropping them and going to the next club alone”. That’s mean, but I take it that it made SaBean feel better. I think you’ve put down a good listing for the Fan Hugo recommendations: the only category I’m weak on is the semi-pro: none of those titles ring bells to me. Semi-Pro zine is a weird catagory. I really think that should just change the definitions so that Locus, Ansible, Emerald City and so on are up against F&SF, Analog, Asimov’s and so on as San Jose Battles Back!

So, when I shuffled that article on friend of a friend of Ontario-born Actresses to my dear friends mine in college. Mike and SaBean, they both came back Another 1980s with comments on other areas, one of which star, Palo Alto’s being a place which is near and dear to Markie Post, was me: San Jose. SaBean had gone through one of my first non- the Wikipedia and picked out all of the San ABC TV crushes. Jose, Santa Clara, Sunnyvale and Campbell She’s gone a long people to make her point. The list she gave way down, but she makes a good case. still does Lifetime Let’s Original Movies now start with and again. the city of my The hottest birth: Santa woman of the Clara (where I 1990s was easily also happen to Teri Hatcher, who currently live). is still hot today on The name . that popped She’s also a graduate out at me of Fremont High from the list School in Sunnyvale that SaBean and grew up in the gave me was City Most Likely to be Khrystyne Confused with Buffy- Haje, aka town. Other Fremont Simone from grads include Steve Head of the Class. I always thought she Kloves, who wrote the was one of the most beautiful women that Harry Potter movies, ever lived, and we were born in the same and Peter Ueberoth. hospital. Go figure. Of Course, Another lovely figure from the 1980s Santa Clara has ABC television line-up was Joanna Kearns, another hotty I or Maggie Seaver as some might remember knew nothing her. She’s from about. Kate Santa Clara too, Walsh, currently the sister of Donna of Grey’s Anatomy, Devorona, in fact. was born and They both went mostly raised in to the same high SC. She’s major school as I did, hot and I’ve met graduating about her (back in her twenty years before Drew Carey days) I did, but still. She and had no idea moved to LA and we were both her daughter was a Santa Clarans. and still say ‘You can’t print that.” You can’t The Trouble With Cartoons even really suggest it without being branded a hypocrite. The Muslim world is growing OK, let me be another voice in the wind: this sucks. The sad part is there’s more and more important (until they run nothing anyone can do about it and it’ll only out of oil in the Middle East) and we’re not get worse. I’m talking about the current likely to solve this problem with out current flare-ups due to the whole Muhammad thinking. cartoon-thing that started in Denmark and The big thing is, and the greatest is now going on all over the world. danger has always been, Freedom of the Let’s look at this semi-logically...if Press. Yes, I know, I couldn’t make The that’s possible. The Muslim world is up in Drink Tank without all the freedom that is arms over a series of drawings in Danish afforded me by the first amendment, but newspapers which are, admittedly, there’s no way a World can survive where disrespectful to the Prophet. Drawing the one group has the ability to say whatever Prophet is pretty much unallowed in much they want and another has the duty to raise of the Muslim world (and drawing of people Hell against any thing they see as heresy. is usually frowned on) and these were It’s a construct that’s just begging for drawings of Muhammad with a bomb in his massive issues. Look at what’s happening turban (which he never would have worn) in Afghanistan and Pakistan and Lebanon and other such naughtinesses. The problem and so forth. They’re attacking the Danish is this is OK to Christians. Though you’ll Embassies (and where in Beirut do you get catch hell for showing Jesus as a conquering a Danish flag on short notice?) and they’re hero, it’s happened before and it’s a different now attacking US groups because we are type of anger and protest. Now, Muslims the leaders of the Infidels. Am I the only are getting up in everybody’s business and one who sees the trouble? There’s no way to burning things and not making nice. satisfy both points of view. The only possible Here’s the big issue, in the Koran, compromise is going to be by the owners of or whichever of the 8 different ways you the media outlets choosing not to print such want to spell it, there are several points things, but now that the cartoons have made where it is said that the Government and such huge headlines (and increased sales in the Religious leadership should be the a lot of papers) why wouldn’t a paper that’s same thing. The idea of separating Church struggling not run an inflammatory cartoon and State is actually specifically said to aimed at the Muslim community? It’d raise be wrong according to the Koran. In many the numbers, and that’s all that matters to predominently Muslim countries, if it is most business owners. against the Koran, it is against the law, plain There are riots and unrest and it’s and simple. Non-Muslim Countries tend going to get worse. Not over this incident, I to hold Freedom of Speech and the Press think this will burn out in a few days, maybe higher than all other values, which means a week, but the next one will be far worse. that you can say things which are against We can’t have it our way and they have it the Koran. In the old days, it didn’t matter their way. They are incompatible systems much, word would never reach those who that can’t interface with each keeping the would be offended, but now, well, there’s characteristics that make each work. nowhere left to hide. That’s a bleak look, I know, but I This is only the first of what will be really believe that there’s major trouble hundreds of these blow-ups. One side’s between Muslims and the American and gotta win out, that’s the only way to put it. American-esque media outlets brewing. It’s Either we have to agree to not print that sort not that we don’t care if we offend them, we of material, or they have to stop caring. Well, do, but we also believe we have the right to we can’t believe in full Freedom of the Press which is far more dangerous than doing it. hundreds of operation to try and become a cat, and since legit docs won’t do these sorts of things, he has to had the operations, including lip-splitting, whisker implants, eye brow lifts and more, completely without anesthetic. That’s right, he’s gotta be conscious for all of it! Dennis also happens to be a computer genius and one of the most impressively brilliant guys I’ve ever met, but his thing is becoming a cat much like my thing is watching wrestling.

The strange thing is, these two groups should be very unhappy with our President The President Tells Us So… right now. No, not for that, but for his State of the Union address. Why, you ask? Written for MoronLife.com but never used What would the Furries and Body Mod You may not know it, but there communities have against W’s speech? It are a lot of folks that call themselves was all in a single paragraph. Anthropomorphics. The rest of the world “Tonight I ask you to pass legislation that knows about them call 'em Furries. If to prohibit the most egregious abuses of you are a religious CSI watcher, you know medical research: human cloning in all its what they are. For the rest of you, they’re forms…creating human-animal hybrids...” those folks who dress up in various fursuits and party and such. There are sexual Look at the BOLD. Who would have furries, those who dress-up like such for thought that a sitting President would say the purpose of doin’ the dirty, and there are that we can’t create human-animal hybrids! folks who just like having an animal persona It’s almost unthinkable that at any other they can don at gatherings and conventions. point in history a President would have to There are many flavors, like Plushies say “Hey, look what it did to that Dr. Moreau (don’t ask) and there are small pockets of guy! No Human-Animal Hybrids! They’ll everything you could imagine. There’s a ton rise up and kill us all!” It almost felt like he of Furry Art out there, which isn’t surprising had stayed up late watching 1970s Science since you can see a lot of influence from the Fiction and got confused as to what was Disney cartoons like Robin Hood. If you’re real and what was fiction. At least he didn’t really interested, you can find out all about announce that we would be banning Lastday various forms of Furrydom by looking up the ceremonies asking for legislation to block WikiFur and looking to your heart’s content. it! Or maybe saying that we needed to stop worrying about Bird Flu, AIDS and Cancer Along with this admittedly somewhat and concentrate on curing The Andromeda odd group is the realm of the Body Modifiers. Strain. He could have also called for the fall They love nothing more than to pierce, of the Intergalatic Axis of Evil: ‘Those Damn brand, twist, reshape and tattoo every inch Dirty Apes’. Now there’s a terrorist group I of their bodies. These types actually tend to agree we have to stop! be found at Furry gatherings as well, mostly because there’s often an animalistic side to The Drink Tank issue 66 was written by much body-modding. It happens. The most folks and laid-out by folks featuring the use interesting body modification person I can of things that helped us do stuff. The next think of is Mr. Dennis Avner, or as he is issue will be all about Inventions, so send legally named, Stalking Cat. He’s undergone me what you might have!