Montana Kaimin, February 3-9, 2016 Students of the University of Montana, Missoula
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University of Montana ScholarWorks at University of Montana Associated Students of the University of Montana Montana Kaimin, 1898-present (ASUM) 2-3-2016 Montana Kaimin, February 3-9, 2016 Students of the University of Montana, Missoula Let us know how access to this document benefits ouy . Follow this and additional works at: https://scholarworks.umt.edu/studentnewspaper Recommended Citation Students of the University of Montana, Missoula, "Montana Kaimin, February 3-9, 2016" (2016). Montana Kaimin, 1898-present. 6909. https://scholarworks.umt.edu/studentnewspaper/6909 This Newspaper is brought to you for free and open access by the Associated Students of the University of Montana (ASUM) at ScholarWorks at University of Montana. It has been accepted for inclusion in Montana Kaimin, 1898-present by an authorized administrator of ScholarWorks at University of Montana. For more information, please contact [email protected]. FEBRUARY 3-9 2016 / MONTANAKAIMIN.COM / THE LAST BEST COLLEGE NEWS N I M I A K A AN MONT A GOLDEN CURE FOR CANCER PAGE 3 NO ARTS FOR THE HONORS PAGE 6 GRIZ VISION PAGE 8 urt Skrivseth picks up his five-string Stingray bass named “Linda.” She is sparkly gold, has a white pick guard, her neck is uity. The closer you are to the an- one piece of bird’s-eye maple. chor, the tighter it is, the farther She is a thing of beauty. away the looser it is, you’ve got to to put it between my fingers, and Skrivseth slaps the bass. find a balance. out of frustration I decided to hit He is playing a bass line of his Skrivseth has mastered the bass with my right hand. I had own creation, for the song “Auf this, despite little to no finger this urge that I needed to play,” Wiedersehen.” function in his right hand. He Skrivesth said. “That was sort of Skrivseth’s right shoulder and It’s hip, upbeat and at is missing the radial nerve that my breakthrough point. I was able bent his spinal cord. He lost the times, almost sounds friendly. would allow him to wiggle his to overcome this physical limita- use of both his legs and some of But playing it is harder than it thumb free from the joint, some- tion.” the function of his right arm his looks, and striking the strings is thing that has helped him perfect The 27-year-old was born first day outside the womb. an art form in itself. You have to the art of slapping the bass. this way, coming out feet first in- hit a low string with the bone in “I remember this day stead of leading with his head. the middle of your thumb. You during high school when I couldn’t The doctor had to perform a Ce- have to strike the string with eq- find a guitar pick or the tape I used sarean, but pulled too hard on montanakaimin.com @montanakaimin @montanakaimin facebook.com/montanakaimin 2 FEBRUARY 3-9, 2016 / MONTANA KAIMIN / MONTANAKAIMIN.COM OPINION TRANNY 911 EDITORIAL UM’S LATEST CRISIS IS OF IDENTITY Your asshole: [email protected] The last After ending last semester on the sour note of emergency firings, many best place would like to see the new year start off well for the University of Montana. That will not be happening. Not this year and not next year. Michael Siebert [email protected] Every semester since UM’s back-to-back rape, budget and enrollment cri- ses, the administration has said we are about to metaphorically “turn the corner” on a rough but temporary chapter. And every semester things have gotten worse. The human anus is a mystical orifice. Re- "Because anyone who’s getting penetrated is Enrollment has dropped for the fourth consecutive year, and the adminis- viled by puritans and celebrated by sexual automatically feminine, so you don’t want to tration has punched new holes in the belt ever tightened around the faculty’s thrill-seekers, ass play is under-discussed and admit to enjoy[ing] being penetrated. It’s seen neck. Simultaneously administrators graciously accepted raises, and Provost over-scrutinized. The reasons are understand- as a joke, like, ‘oh, if you want anything in your able. After all, poop comes out of there, and al- butt you must want a dick in your butt,’ which Perry Brown’s timely retirement looks more like a man rowing away from a most never mixes well with a steamy encounter. is not true at all,” he said. sinking ship than a seasoned bureaucrat spending more time on the river. Yet recently there has been a surge of inter- Despite this view, fear of anal stimulation Budgetary projections that next year’s enrollment will be at worst stag- est in anal stimulation. does seem to be going by the wayside. Vi, a nant – not lower – beg the question of what university administrators be- Jhene Aiko rapped about “eat[ing] the booty BDSM leather worker and former Missoula res- lieve they are administrating. like groceries” in last year’s song “Post To Be” ident, declared 2016 “the year of the butt.” If UM’s first crisis was the public outing of the community’s pro-rape bu- and more recently Kanye West was outed as “Everyone low-key wants a finger in their reaucracy, and the second the resultant snowballing enrollment plunge and a “#FingersInTheBootyAssBitch” by ex-lover ass, but no one wants to talk about it,” Vi said. budget hatcheting, the third is a crisis of identity. Amber Rose during a Twitter dispute with Wiz “Dudes are all like, they’re coy about it. They’re Missoulians have yet to acknowledge the long-term damage done to the like, ‘I suppose …’” Khalifa. local economy by a callous treatment of rape victims. We are still the “rape And while the latter example carries some Of course, the chief concern when it comes school,” not just in Montana, but in America. The University has yet to con- homophobic undertones, it doesn’t change the to assplay is cleanliness. vince prospective students otherwise, no matter how many routine declara- fact that putting things in your ass has become But both Cederberg and Vi argue that with part of a national dialogue on sex. some baby wipes or anal douching, it can be just tions of progress. In order to understand why it’s so taboo, we as clean as any other orifice. MSU has had no trouble attracting the humanities majors oddly absent first need to understand why it’s pleasurable. “If you wanted to get into buttplay then from UM, the state’s traditional liberal arts and sciences school, meaning Over at Columbia University, the author think about cleaning your butt more,” Vi said. it’s not true when administrators say we no longer offer routes of study de- of the column “Go Ask Alice” explained that “But seriously, not everyone likes a clean ass ei- manded by modern students. Montanans are still interested in studying the “when touched or massaged, the prostate — ther. Don’t shame anyone who doesn’t like clean humanities, they’re just not interested in studying at the University of Mon- about a half-inch inside the opening of the anus ass.” tana. — is a spot in [people with prostates’] bodies If you’ve always been interested in the idea UM’s enrollment hemorrhage mirrors levels seen at colleges in New Orle- that heightens sensations during … mastur- of eating ass, fingering ass, or whatever else ans and Detroit, yet Missoula hasn’t been depopulated by the tragedies of your heart desires, know that it’s not weird, and bation.” This is due to the abundance of nerve global capitalism and global climate change like those shattered cities. endings in the region, all of which elicit a plea- you’re definitely not alone. UM’s enrollment was torpedoed by the dark side of the “global century” surable response. But taking it slow is key. President Royce Engstrom once promised to prepare students to embrace. But it’s not just for folks with prostates. Slate “You don’t have to do anything you don’t reported in 2010 that 94% of prostate-less indi- want to,” Vi said. In the age of global communications, local rape scandals don’t go away, they viduals had achieved orgasm through anal sex, But shedding your fear of the unknown explode into viral sensations. This university has not even begun to recover a higher number than through vaginal sex. also has the potential to be a healthy, enriching from the thorough tarnishing earned by its outed institutionalized sexism. “It absolutely can be enjoyed by anyone,” sexual experience. Don’t be afraid to try things, Trying to shock a depopulated liberal arts and sciences school into a Dac Cederberg, an English literature and cre- but make sure that you’re trying them with a STEM university through public announcements of secret firings and disas- ative writing major at UM, said. consenting, understanding and patient part- ter capitalism is an unconvincing facade of progress, a lurching homunculus Cederberg, a gay man, believes that ho- ner. Lubricant is of utmost importance if you’re ambling awkwardly into the sea. mophobia is the root cause of the stigma sur- sticking anything in there. The University of Montana got into this position because it didn’t have a rounding anal play. Will eating butt be the oral sex of the future? heart. Wishing for a brain won’t get it beating. “Culturally, it’s associated with homosex- Who knows? But one thing is for certain: the uality, which I think goes back to the deeper likelihood of you having a partner that’s into it homophobia and misogyny,” Cederberg said increases every day.