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The Hysterical History of the Trojan War

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The Hysterical History of the Trojan War 3/18/2020 THE HYSTERICAL HISTORY OF TROY (a free comedy play script from freedrama.net) The Hysterical History of the Trojan War BY D. M. LARSON Purchase a low cost PDF of this play at Sellfy.com ACT I - PARIS AND HELEN RUN TO TROY. The Cast of Characters can be found at the end of the play with suggestions for doubling characters if needed. The stage has large wall upstage which is the wall of Troy. It can even be a small wall so the actors' heads can look over it. The land and shore outside Troy is in the left part of the stage. The ocean is offstage in the audience. Before the play, an actor (Poseidon) can warm up the audience by having them pretend to be the ocean and PARIS and HELEN can sail through them. Poseidon has complete control of the ocean audience. They could even do battle with some Spartan Greeks before the play as PARIS and HELEN flee. The audience should be divided into two sides: Spartan and Trojan. At different times during the play, the Spartan and Trojan sides of the audience will cheer for their people (ATHENA directs the Spartan side. ATHENA says "This is..." and the audience cheers "Sparta!". HELEN leads the other side in the cheer. HELEN says, "Goooo..." and audience yells "Troy!"). You should practice this at the start of the play. The final Trojan cheer goes to PARIS and HELEN as they successfully make their way to the left side of the stage from the ocean. PARIS and HELEN act like goofy teenagers. PARIS Wow, we like totally ditched those Greeks. Eat our waves, dudes. HELEN You were like, so totally brave. PARIS I know. And you're, like... sooo pretty. HELEN I know. Are you really a prince? file:///Users/katiemartinez/Desktop/THE HYSTERICAL HISTORY OF TROY (a free comedy play script from freedrama.net).htm 1/36 3/18/2020 THE HYSTERICAL HISTORY OF TROY (a free comedy play script from freedrama.net) PARIS Prince of the greatest city ever... Troy! Music can play as lights come up on the walls of Troy. The walls appear like they are made of gold (use glitter). HELEN It's pretty. PARIS Not as pretty as you. HELEN I know. Aren't your walls like totally... tall? PARIS The tallest and the strongest. They say Poseidon himself helped build them. HELEN No way... PARIS Way! HELEN Cool! PARIS Want to see inside? HELEN Do I ever. CASSANDRA rushes out and stops them. CASSANDRA Beware! HELEN Who's that? PARIS My sister, Cassandra. What's wrong now? Somebody going to kidnap a puppy again? file:///Users/katiemartinez/Desktop/THE HYSTERICAL HISTORY OF TROY (a free comedy play script from freedrama.net).htm 2/36 3/18/2020 THE HYSTERICAL HISTORY OF TROY (a free comedy play script from freedrama.net) CASSANDRA Don't bring Helen inside, Paris. She will only bring doom on our city. Dooooom! PARIS Oh, come on, Cassandra. Get out of the way. CASSANDRA Doooooooooom! PARIS pushes CASSANDRA out of the way and they go inside the wall. HELEN Freak. CASSANDRA stomps her foot and gets all pouty. APOLLO appears down left and watches her. CASSANDRA How come nobody ever listens to me? APOLLO is giggling now. CASSANDRA (cont.) Apollo? Is that you? Get over here. CASSANDRA runs up and grabs the giggling APOLLO. She starts hitting him and he stops laughing. APOLLo What's with you? CASSANDRA I thought you gave me the power to see the future? APOLLO I did. Didn't you predict where that puppy would be found? CASSANDRA But nobody listened to me. APOLLO giggles again. CASSANDRA (CONT.) And now I see the walls of Troy falling down. And no one will listen to me about that either. APOLLO Didn't you read the fine print of your wish? file:///Users/katiemartinez/Desktop/THE HYSTERICAL HISTORY OF TROY (a free comedy play script from freedrama.net).htm 3/36 3/18/2020 THE HYSTERICAL HISTORY OF TROY (a free comedy play script from freedrama.net) CASSANDRA Fine print? What fine print? APOLLO pulls a piece of paper from his pocket. It's notebook paper with doodles. CASSANDRA (CONT.) I can't read this. It's a bunch of drawings. It's all Greek to me. APOLLO Look here. Underneath the unicorn dancing on the rainbow. It says that you will be able to see the future, but no one will listen to you. CASSANDRA What? How could you do this to me? APOLLO Because it's funny. CASSANDRA You gods think you're so smart. Well, I know what happens to you. APOLLO You do? Oh, you do. What? CASSANDRA I'm not telling. APOLLO Oh, come on. CASSANDRA No. APOLLO Please. CASSANDRA See you, never, Apollo. CASSANDRA goes back inside Troy. APOLLO mocks her. APOLLO "You gods think you're so smart." I'll show her. She won't think it's funny when we have a war! file:///Users/katiemartinez/Desktop/THE HYSTERICAL HISTORY OF TROY (a free comedy play script from freedrama.net).htm 4/36 3/18/2020 THE HYSTERICAL HISTORY OF TROY (a free comedy play script from freedrama.net) APOLLO pulls out a cell phone. ZEUS appears in the audience. He can have a funny ring tone. ZEUS Zeus here. Talk to me, baby. APOLLO So what you doing? ZEUS Nothing. You? APOLLO Want to play war? ZEUS Sure, why not. Who you want to play with? APOLLO Troy. ZEUS Really? I don't know. I promised them protection. APOLLO Promises? I thought you were the all powerful one. You don't have to make promises. I guess I'm calling the wrong guy. Maybe I should call Athena instead. She's a real warrior. ZEUS Wait one minute... Thunder and lightning (lights go up and down). APOLLO smiles. ZEUS comes up on stage. Maybe he can be helped up by slaves or clouds? APOLLO Yes? ZEUS Well, you know I have a special place in my heart for Troy. I mean they have my boy on their side. APOLLO Your boy? How many boys do you have? There's Ajax, Achilles, Hercules... ZEUS file:///Users/katiemartinez/Desktop/THE HYSTERICAL HISTORY OF TROY (a free comedy play script from freedrama.net).htm 5/36 3/18/2020 THE HYSTERICAL HISTORY OF TROY (a free comedy play script from freedrama.net) Not my actual boys... I mean Hector is a true hero. APOLLO I know. That's why I picked Troy! ZEUS and APOLLO lead Trojan side of the audience in a cheer: ZEUS and APOLLO Gooooo! AUDIENCE Troy! ZEUS So let's call Athena. She'll take your challenge. ZEUS calls on his cell phone. ATHENA is in the back of the audience picking a fight with an usher. ATHENA I don't need a ticket you jerk. I'm in the play! ATHENA's phone rings. Her ring tone is something like "The Warrior" by Scandal or the Rocky theme. Stage lights dim a bit and a spotlight shows on ATHENA if possible. ATHENA (CONT.) What?! ZEUS Hello Athena... how are you today? ATHENA Horrible. Not one fight or battle and it's almost dinner! ZEUS I've got good news. Apollo wants to play war. ATHENA Sign me up! ATHENA walks up to the stage and hops up. ATHENA (CONT.) Which side did you pick Apollo? Dramatic music. Lights come up on Troy. file:///Users/katiemartinez/Desktop/THE HYSTERICAL HISTORY OF TROY (a free comedy play script from freedrama.net).htm 6/36 3/18/2020 THE HYSTERICAL HISTORY OF TROY (a free comedy play script from freedrama.net) APOLLO Troy! ZEUS gets audience to cheer. ZEUS Goooo! AUDIENCE Troy! ATHENA Fine. We'll play war. But I get to pick anyone I want, right? APOLLO Sure. ATHENA Then I pick Sparta! ATHENA gets Spartan side of audience to cheer. ATHENA This is... AUDIENCE Sparta! APOLLO I thought you might. ATHENA What's that supposed to mean? APOLLO She has a thing for Ajax. ATHENA I do not! APOLLO Hector's gonna clean the floor with him. ATHENA file:///Users/katiemartinez/Desktop/THE HYSTERICAL HISTORY OF TROY (a free comedy play script from freedrama.net).htm 7/36 3/18/2020 THE HYSTERICAL HISTORY OF TROY (a free comedy play script from freedrama.net) In your dreams. APOLLO Too bad about Achilles though. ATHENA What about Achilles? APOLLO His mommy won't let him come out and play. ATHENA What?! ZEUS He's always been such a momma's boy. APOLLO She did do him a great favor by dipping him in the river Styx and making him nearly immortal. ZEUS They should call it the river Stinks... is it really worth being immortal to smell like that? ATHENA He's one of those guys you admire from a distance. APOLLO So you ready for battle? ATHENA Wait. You have Zeus. I want some backup. APOLLO Fine... but what god is willing to stand up against Zeus? ZEUS I'm the king of the gods, baby! ATHENA Let me think... who isn't afraid of the king of the gods? Maybe... his wife! ZEUS You wouldn't? file:///Users/katiemartinez/Desktop/THE HYSTERICAL HISTORY OF TROY (a free comedy play script from freedrama.net).htm 8/36 3/18/2020 THE HYSTERICAL HISTORY OF TROY (a free comedy play script from freedrama.net) ATHENA Hera Rodham Clinton! HERA storms onto stage looking and sounding a bit like Xena the Warrior Princess. ATHENA (CONT.) This is..
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