GUIDE

843-842-3500 [email protected] www.clarkandstevens.com 60 Arrow Road, PO Box 7788 ATTORNEYS AT LAW Hilton Head Island, SC 29938 For most people, divorce is much more than a major legal process: it’s also a challenging time of transition that can negatively impact virtually every area of life: emotional, psychological, domestic, parental, financial, physical health, social, and vocational.

This special Co-Parenting Divorce Guide contains hand-picked articles, book excerpts, advice, and more to help you recover from the inevitable stresses and pressures of divorce. And, just as importantly, the Guide empowers you to build a satisfying, strong relationship with your children and ex-spouse.

contents 4 Tips for Successful Co-Parenting 19 Nine Strategies for Effective and Healthy As a co-parent, there are things you must do (even if Co-Parenting you don’t want to do them) in order to act in the best Follow these strategies and give your children the interest of your children. peaceful and loving environment they deserve. 6 The Co-Parenting Relationship 22 Talking to Your Child: Positive Comments Healthy co-parenting is a way to carry your children About her Other Parent through the crisis of divorce to a safe and happy future. Your child is listening. It is important that she hears you talk nicely about her other parent. 9 Making Co-Parenting Easier Ease the challenge of co-parenting with an ex-spouse by 23 Getting a Parental Grip planning ahead and seeking professional help if necessary. Many parents put themselves under a lot of pressure 10 Mom’s House, Dad’s House when they think about the talk they need to have with Here’s how to meet the challenges of setting up two their children. happy homes for your children. 25 Relocation and Co-Parenting 13 What to Include in Your Parenting Plan The challenge of co-parenting over long distances. A well-constructed and principled parenting plan can help you through tough times. 27 How Co-parents Create Loyalty Conflicts How to recognize and protect your child from loyalty 15 Conflict & Parenting conflicts created by an angry ex-spouse. Customize your post-separation parenting relationship. 30 More Helpful Information @ www.divorcemag.com 17 My Time vs. Your Time: Scheduling You may resist having to keep to a set co-parenting 31 Your Divorce Community schedule, but it is best to keep your schedule changes to a minimum.

The articles in this Guide are provided for general information and may not apply to your unique situation. These articles do not take the place of a lawyer, accountant, financial plan- ner, therapist, etc.; since laws and procedures vary by region, for professional advice, you must seek counsel from the appropriate professional in your area. The views presented in the articles are the authors’ own and do not necessarily represent the views of this firm or of Divorce Marketing Group. This Guide is published by and Copyright © Divorce Marketing Group. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Any use of materials from this Guide – including reproduction, modification, or distribution – without prior written consent of Divorce Marketing Group is prohibited.

Co-ParentingCo-Parenting Divorce GuideGuide | 3 Tips for Successful Co-Parenting

As a co-parent, there are things you must do — but may not want to do — in order to act in the best interest of your children. Here are 15 tips to help you become a great co-parent.

By Deesha Philyaw and Michael D. Thomas

pass – is the key to your peace of mind of your kids. Usually, if you weigh the as a co-parent. pros (the kids get to go on a special trip) and the cons (they will be with him dur- 2. Be the “Bigger” Co-Parent ing my time), you’ll find that your flex- ibility is worth it because your kids are Even when you’re not swinging at worth it. everything your ex pitches, it’s still possible to get burned out from co-par- 5. Lose the Sense of enting, especially when your co-parent Entitlement isn’t pulling his weight. When that happens, your child needs you to be A common roadblock to cooperative the “bigger” co-parent – which means co-parenting occurs when one parent co-parent’s work is never done. doing the right thing for your child feels entitled to more parenting time Not only must you avoid the regardless of what your co-parent does than the other. The entitled parent con- minefi eld of negative behav- or doesn’t do. siders himself the real parent or the Aiors that can undermine your parenting better parent. He wants the other parent partnership, but it’s in your children’s 3. Take Responsibility to go away, or he tries to act as a gate- best interest for you to adopt civil and keeper to the child. You may believe conciliatory behaviors as well. The fol- When your children witness you at your ex’s infidelity or character flaws lowing action-oriented guidelines make a less-than-proud co-parenting moment render her undeserving of time and cooperative, kid-centered parenting (it happens to all co-parents), let them closeness with your child, but your across two households possible. also see you not blame the other parent child deserves and has a right to this for it. Instead, take full responsibility relationship. 1. Know Which Pitches for your actions. You can’t control other to Swing At people, but you can control yourself. 6. Enjoy Your Child-Free Time

Don’t swing at everything that’s 4. Be Flexible Consider it a glass-half-full approach pitched. Disagreements, misunderstand- to co-parenting. Although you miss ings, and conflict are inevitable, even While children thrive on the consis- your child when she is with the other when both co-parents are committed tency and stability a schedule provides, parent, your co-parenting arrangement to being cooperative. Knowing which there are times when a little flexibility affords you child-free time that’s yours pitches to swing at – and which to let can go a long way in the best interest for the taking.

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 4 Some co-parents struggle with deep expression, or other nonverbal clues the intense feelings and fallout many sadness when their children are with to soften words that might otherwise co-parents experience in the wake of a the other parent, even in the absence sound harsh. breakup. What helped us and other co- of safety concerns. They feel as if they parents get to a place where we could are missing out on parts of their chil- 10. See Your Ex through Your focus primarily on our children (and dren’s childhoods, or this aspect of their Child’s Eyes not each other) was a clear separation divorce is unfair. We encourage them to between our past marital relationship acknowledge and work through those If negative feelings about your and our current parenting partnership. feelings and also to see the situation child’s other parent just won’t subside, We consider our old relationship dead through their children’s eyes. try seeing him through your child’s and buried. When unresolved issues eyes. A child looks at a parent, warts from this relationship “rise from the 7. Respect Your Child’s and all, with love. You may no longer dead,” we think of them as zombies Relationship with the Other share these feelings, but the other par- that can terrorize our parenting partner- Parent ent remains central to your child’s life ship. That’s pretty dramatic imagery, and well-being. So when you interact but some co-parents have found it helps Regardless of what happened in with your ex, do so as you would with them envision what’s stopping them your marriage or since the breakup, any person who is important to your from moving forward as a team. One your child has a right to have a rela- child — with respect and civility. thing that can help keep the walking tionship with both parents if both are dead of your old relationship at bay is fit and willing – without microman- 11. Mind Your Business forgiveness. agement or interference from the other parent. Divorce brings a lot of change Anything that happens in your ex’s 15. Look to the Future and uncertainty for children, but hav- personal life or during his parenting ing a relationship with both parents is time that doesn’t harm your kids is no Your child won’t be a child forever. one thing they should be able to count longer your concern. If you do believe If you’re wrangling with the other par- on, enjoy, and not feel conflicted about. something is going on that is harmful or ent right now over issues related to your Try to be a gateway, not a gatekeeper. potentially harmful, communicate your child, these may no longer be issues concerns to your ex, acknowledging his when your young child becomes a teen 8. Encourage Your Child to right to privacy, right to discipline, and or when your teen becomes an adult. Respect the Other Parent right to make decisions regarding your But adulthood isn’t necessarily the end child’s welfare. If you share legal cus- of your connection to your ex, if you The best way to encourage your tody this also includes health, educa- factor in higher education, weddings, child to respect the other parent is to tion, and religion. and grandchildren. Will your pres- demonstrate that respect yourself. ent co-parenting conflicts even matter Respect does not equal agreement; 12. Move On then? Do they really matter now, in the you may disagree with your ex’s par- grand scheme of things?  enting style, her religious beliefs and Simply put, though not simple to do: practices, whom she dates, and other let go of the old relationship. Doing so This article has been choices, but short of any harm coming frees you to be a fully engaged parent adapted with permis- to your child, you can still show respect and a more cooperative co-parent. sion from Co-parenting for (or at least hold your tongue about) 101: Helping Your Kids them. 13. Turn Over a New Leaf Thrive in Two House- holds after Divorce (New 9. Keep the Lines of Each day, each interaction, is an Harbinger Publications, Communication Open opportunity to repair and rebuild a 2013), by Deesha damaged co-parenting relationship. Philyaw and Michael D. Thomas Co-parenting isn’t possible without How you started is not how you’re Michael Thomas works in the some level of communication. Using destined to end. For your child’s sake, financial services industry and is the children as messengers isn’t an option, be willing to extend (and accept) olive co-founder of CoParenting101.org. so co-parents must be willing to stay in branches. Deesha Philyaw is a writer whose work touch and share information. If face- has appeared in the Washington Post to-face and telephone communication 14. Offer (or ask for) and has been anthologized in book proves too volatile, some co-parents Forgiveness such as Literary Mama: Reading use email or texting. But remember for the Maternally Inclined. www. that with email and texting you don’t Many of the dos and don’ts we’re newharbinger.com have the benefit of tone of voice, facial sharing may sound impossible given

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 5 Co-parentingThe Relationship

Your marriage may be over, but your relationship with the milestone in your children’s lives or you other parent will continue as long as both you and your can learn to celebrate them together. children are alive. Healthy co-parenting is a way to carry Developing Respect your children through the crisis of divorce to a safe and Developing mutual respect for each happy future. other will help make you effective co- By Darlene Weyburne parents. Follow the golden rule of co- parenting: treat the other parent like you want to be treated. This can be dif- magine waking up in the middle of the needs of the children. Cooperative ficult if he or she doesn’t treat you with the night to the sound of your smoke co-parenting means considering your respect, but keep in mind that you’re Ialarm blaring. Your fi rst instinct children’s need to love both parents doing this for your children’s survival would be to run to your children’s room, instead of focusing on your feelings and happiness – not for the other par- scoop them up, and carry them to safety. toward your ex-spouse. You do this ent’s benefit. Don’t snicker or sneer at You’d probably walk through smoke because you understand that your chil- something your ex says or something and fi re, or any crisis, risking your own dren’s need to see the other parent is your child relays to you, and don’t life to save your children. Divorce is a more important than your need to pun- attempt to convey to your children that crisis for your children, and they need ish him or her. Healthy co-parenting is you’re the better parent. If you’re wor- you to work together with the other par- a way to carry your children through the ried that showing mutual respect will ent to help them through it. Your mar- crisis of divorce to safety. confuse your children into thinking riage may not have survived the fi re, but that their parents will get back together, your relationship with the other parent Picture your child on her wedding or avoid talking to your children about will continue as long as your children graduation day as she looks out at the your feelings towards your ex: focus are alive. family and friends who have gathered instead on his or her positive qualities to witness the event. Will she be focus- as a parent. Whether you spend one day a month ing on how happy she feels or will she or every day with your children, you and be worrying about whether her parents To help you develop respect for the your former partner continue to be co- are going to fight? Throughout the rest other parent, take a notebook and write parents. Co-parenting involves working of your life, you and your former part- down three instances in which he or she cooperatively to assist your children in ner will be parents and grandparents did well in the parental role. (For exam- developing into socially and emotion- – and maybe even great-grandparents ple: showing up on time for parenting ally healthy adults. It involves commu- – together. You can struggle and fight time, praising your daughter for a good nicating with one another concerning your way through each developmental score on a test, attending your son’s

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 6 concert, or agreeing to pay for half of Give your children a copy of this list and the other parent by phone, through the the cost of school pictures.) encourage them to call, write letters, or mail, or in person. e-mail these people whenever they wish. Supporting Your Children’s Whenever possible, you should Relationship with Your Ex One grandmother, after her grandchil- consider helping out in the classroom. dren moved out of state, made a mini- Sharing your skills and knowledge with “It was hard for me to hear Crystal photo album of their time together each your children’s class helps your children tell Mark what a good daddy he was,” time her grandchildren came to visit. feel special, and it can facilitate com- says Sue, the mother of a five-year-old She kept one copy and mailed another munication between you and the school. girl. “I felt that if he was such a good copy to each of her grandchildren. For example, my children’s father does dad he would have tried harder to make chemistry experiments one day each the marriage work. Despite how I felt, Don’t criticize your ex’s family, year in each of our children’s class- I didn’t tell my daughter what a lousy friends, or new spouse in front of your rooms. Our children take great pride in father I thought he was for leaving us. children. If you think your ex’s family these demonstrations. I knew that she would adjust better to members are badmouthing you, speak the divorce if I encouraged her to have a directly to them about it. Demonstrate to If possible, both parents should go to good relationship with him.” your children, through your behaviour, school and sporting events. School open that the negative things they say about houses, concerts, plays, recitals, and Support your children in loving and you aren’t true. sports allow children an opportunity to building a relationship with the other be the center of attention, which builds parent. Never start a sentence with “If Communicating About Important their self-esteem. Your children already your father/mother really loved you...” Issues feel different from children whose Don’t allow your feelings of being parents are still together; try not to make betrayed to interfere with your support Major decisions should be made their lives more difficult by refusing of your children’s need to love and be jointly. This includes major medical, to attend any event if your ex will be loved by your former partner. Just as dental, and psychological treatment; there. you’re able to love a new baby without grade and special-education placement; loving your other children less, your or change of schools. Both parents “When my teacher said, ‘Make sure children can love more than one par- should have access to physicians, thera- your parents come to the open house,’ it ent. If your child phones you while he pists, educators, law-enforcement per- was easy for the other kids,” says Bonita, or she is with the other parent, don’t ask, sonnel, or other professionals that are aged 15. “They just had to remember to “Do you miss me?” or, “Do you want involved with your children. Inform the tell their parents about it. I had to decide to come home?” As painful as it may be other parent, in advance, of any sched- which parent to invite and what excuse for you, remember that your children uled meetings with these professionals. I was going to make up to explain why are home when they’re with your ex. the other parent wasn’t there.” Knowing They’ll develop healthier relationships Create a school folder that travels that both parents will attend school func- if they don’t have to choose between back and forth with each of your chil- tions will help your children feel more loving you and loving their other parent. dren between visits. The folder should normal. (If you live in a distant city, of include notes from teachers, homework, course, your children won’t expect you Encourage other family members to schoolwork, report cards, sport sched- to turn up at every event. But make sure support your children in having a rela- ules, flyers about upcoming events, to attend the big ones: graduation, wed- tionship with the other parent. After a and information concerning school pic- ding, etc.) Don’t use these events to dis- divorce, some extended families demand tures, open houses, or parent-teacher cuss problems with the other parent. It’s that the children remain loyal to one par- conferences. humiliating for your children to see you ent, and they say hostile things about the argue in public. If avoiding an argument other parent in front of the children. This Communicate to your children’s with the other parent is too difficult or can only hurt your children. teachers and school counsellors that you if it’s too painful to sit together, sit in have set up this system, and encour- another area of the auditorium or class- Your children also need to continue age them to place items directly in the room. Remember that these events are to have a relationship with both sets of folder. The cooperative effort between celebrations of your children’s achieve- grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. you, the other parent, and the school ments. Your children deserve the privi- Allow them to spend time with extended can enhance your children’s academic lege of having both parents involved. family and encourage them to phone achievement and emotional adjustment. and write letters. Make a list of names, Don’t include any notes to the other par- Jenny, eight, was hit by a car while addresses, and phone numbers of fam- ent from you. If your children are having riding her bike. Her dad called her mom ily and friends who love your children. problems at school, communicate this to right away and told her what hospital

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 7 they were going to. “I almost didn’t to feed your daughter until her brother for the parents to review with their call Catherine (Jenny’s mom) because I cleans his room. Your children cannot attorneys. Mediation is a good option knew she would blame me for the acci- control their parents’ actions. They have for parents who are planning on co-par- dent. The look on Jenny’s face when she done nothing wrong and need to be with enting for the following reasons: saw her mom come into the emergency both parents. • It facilitates compromise and coop- room, however, told me I had done the eration rather than competition right thing by calling. Jenny was in a lot If you’re unsuccessful in talking to between parents. of pain and very scared. She needed both the other parent about overdue child • It gives the parents – who know their of us to hold her hands as the doctor put support, consult with a family therapist children best – rather than the judge on the cast.” Every parent is aware that or an attorney. However, be extremely the power to make decisions about accidents happen and crises occur. In an cautious about taking your ex to court. their children. emergency, your children need both par- Legal battles are often drawn out and • It helps avoid court battles that often ents more than ever. They need you to emotionally and financially costly for have negative emotional conse- put your energy into helping them heal parents and their children. quences for you and your children. rather than blaming the other parent for • It saves time and money. the injury or illness. If your children get “When my mom remarried, we • It assists parents in making decisions hurt and need medical attention, call the moved onto David’s farm,” says Callia, based on what is in the children’s other parent immediately. Tell the other aged 14. “My dad was really mad best interest rather than on emotions. parent about major events that occur because it meant I was going to go to a • It helps clarify issues and reduce while your children are with you. This different school. He thought my going anger and bitterness. information can assist the other parent to some ‘hick’ school was going to hurt in helping your children through life’s my chances of getting into college. He The mediator can also help you tragedies. took my mom to court and got the judge work out a tentative parenting plan to stop her from switching schools until that will outline when your children Child Support the court date in December. For the will be with each parent. Try this plan first half of the year, my mom had to out for a month or two before putting Child support is another important drive me to my old school. The judge it in your settlement agreement. At the issue that requires open communication finally decided that the school near end of the trial period, discuss with between the parents. Pay your child sup- David’s house was just as good as my the other parent any changes either of port! You may not want to give money old one so I had to switch schools in the you feel are needed, and revise your to your former partner, but your chil- middle of the year. What a pain! I think plan. If your children have concerns dren could feel unwanted if you don’t Dad was just jealous that Mom finally about the parenting time schedule, let pay your child support. Of course, you found someone she could be happy with.” them know that you’ll listen and con- should never discuss child support with sider their thoughts and feelings. In your your children. If you don’t have enough Legal battles between parents are notebook, write down any questions money to buy them something, tell usually emotionally damaging to the you can think of that you’d like to ask them you don’t have it. You don’t have children. Clearly evaluate your rea- a mediator. to explain why. Use this opportunity to sons for initiating a court proceeding. teach money management skills. Is it really your only option? People A final tip: at the mediation session, sometimes use these battles as a way of put a photograph of your children on the “Every time Dad was late sending maintaining their severed relationship table. This will help you focus on their the check, Mom wouldn’t let us go see to avoid the pain and unhappiness that needs rather than on your feelings about him. It was so unfair. Why should we be may come with the realization that the the other parent.  punished because she was mad at him?” relationship is really over. Accept that asks Pamela, aged 12. Don’t refuse to the marriage has ended and move on. If This article has been excerpted allow your children to see the other par- you drag the other parent through court, from What To Tell the Kids about Your ent for non-payment of child support. you will drag and possibly scar your Divorce (New Harbinger Publications Even though you may depend on this children, too. 1999), by Darlene Weyburne, BCD, money, threatening to withhold parent- CSW, ACSW. Offering creative exercises ing time hurts your children. It helps to Mediation and Co-parenting and common-sense advice, this compre- remember that spending time with both hensive guide will assist you to move parents is a basic need for your children A mediator can guide the parents beyond your own anger so you can rather than a privilege that the other through the divorce process and help help your kids cope with your divorce. parent must earn. Telling your children them reach a mutually satisfactory www.newharbinger.com that they can’t see the other parent until agreement. The mediator then usually the child support is paid is like refusing writes up a summary of this agreement

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 8 Making Co-Parenting 3. Discuss the Best Ways to Have the Kids Meet New Romantic Partners. This issue is easier to discuss before there is actually someone new in EASIER the picture. Having an agreement on parent-dating etiquette in your divorce agreement can save a lot of problems down the road.

4. Hold Regular Meetings to Stay on Track. Regular meetings (in-person, over the phone, or via email) allow both parents to stay up-to-date with new situations as they arise with the kids.

5. It's Okay to Ask for Professional Help. Don't feel badly if you need a pro- fessional to help you work out your co-parenting differences. When ten- You can ease the challenge of co-parenting with an ex-spouse sions run high, it can be hard to put by planning ahead and seeking professional help if necessary. feelings aside and make decisions. Here are five tips to help make co-parenting easier post-divorce. Hiring a mediator can help you get back on track and focus on how By Brian James to help your kids in the situation. Having parents stand together on a parenting front can bring a huge amount of security to the kids. hen parents divorce, it is the 1. Put Your Co-Parenting Plan beginning of a new partner- in Writing in the Divorce No one ever said that working Wship in co-parenting their Agreement. together as a team to parent your chil- children. Co-parenting goes much more The more you lay out parenting dren after divorce would be easy. Both smoothly when there is a plan in place; terms in writing, the less room there spouses need to be dedicated to their it assures that no matter how you feel is for disagreement down the road. role as parents and willing to com- about your ex-spouse, the children's A little pre-planning can save you promise. Hiring a mediator can help interests will come fi rst. court battles and lawyer fees later. parents make the children a top prior- ity. It's very common for parents to It’s important to determine if you 2. Decide Who Will Pay have disagreements after divorce when and your ex-spouse are comfortable For Which Expenses in terms are not mapped out in the divorce enough to communicate directly about Advance. agreement and they are having trouble co-parenting issues regarding the chil- Rather than splitting every cost as communicating calmly. When one is dren. If you’re able to talk through it comes up, try to divide who will needed, a trained mediator can help things on your own, that's terrific; how- pay for which expenses ahead of parents get past the emotions at hand ever, if you find it too difficult, don’t time. For instance, the father may and find solutions that truly are best for feel frustrated. Mediators and therapists choose to cover football expenses their children.  can help you to discuss co-parenting for the son, while the mother agrees issues that you may have trouble talk- to cover the piano lessons for the Brian James is an experienced ing about on your own. daughter. Again, if you have a hard divorce and family mediator with offices time dividing this up on your own, throughout Chicagoland and South- Here are five keys to making post- a divorce mediator or parenting eastern Wisconsin. He runs a mediation divorce co-parenting easier: coordinator can help you. practice. www.celassociates.com

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 9 Mom’s House, Dad’s House

If you ask their opinion, children will almost always choose a two-parent, two-home alterna- tive over a one-home arrangement with the other parent as a visitor or – worse yet – gone from the scene entirely. Here’s how to meet the challenges of setting up two happy homes for your children. By Dr. Isolina Ricci

arents who set up two homes for A Sense of Belonging: My Own Children need their own space and their children often make com- Things are entitled to privacy. Even a drawer Pments like “It made me feel I they share at the bottom of their par- was a real parent again” or “I knew The common grumble of parents ent’s dresser can help. They need their what I was doing and the children when children return from being with own non-transferable toilet articles and could feel it.” When necessary steps their other parent is that some item — two or three changes of clothes. They are taken to reclaim certain responsi- a favourite toy or a jacket — has been need their own place for toys and per- bilities for our children, normal parent- left behind. The first, knee-jerk reaction sonal effects and a place to sleep. Some ing is resumed. We can break through becomes: the other parent or the child personal things belong in each home some of these sex-typed barriers that has been inconsiderate, thoughtless, or and stay there. Sleeping bags rolled up have said that men cannot be nurtur- deliberately provoking. Actually, this in a closet can be good beds if these ing and responsive or that mothers forgetfulness probably stems from the are their own sleeping bags. A house, who set up another home have “given child’s need to stake a claim to some a yard, and an extra bedroom are just up their children” and have some- territory to create a sense of belonging trimmings. The sense of “my own thing intrinsically wrong with them. in his or her newer home. things, here” matters. So does a trust that their things will remain protected When parents establish a working Children will know they belong in in their absence. relationship, their children can feel that two homes when they no longer need Mom and Dad are on top of this life cri- a large suitcase to go from one home to Many dual-home parents simply sis and that things are going to be okay. another. This holds true no matter how take their offspring shopping for new Then even perhaps, “Uh-oh, I guess that much or how little time they spend in clothing, sleeping bags, and toilet arti- also means they are each going to get one home. The time spent doesn’t mat- cles. These purchases offer a way to my report card!” ter, the sense of belonging does. participate in the organization of their

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 10 new, other home. When money is very One parent admitted her shame at at least some things is especially impor- tight, perhaps parents can agree on living in the same place for four years tant when people are in crisis or having which of the child’s articles of clothing and never walking the neighbourhood a difficult time. Parents feeling anxious, and personal belongings can be trans- with her daughters. “I realized I had sad, remorseful, or angry can let daily ferred permanently from one home to been a four-wheel parent; if I didn’t see routines and household organization go the other. Whenever possible, honour it from the car coming into our driveway downhill rapidly during their own times the children’s preferences. If they want or going out of it, it didn’t exist. I didn’t of crisis. A little occupational therapy is to carry their favourite pajamas back know the names of my neighbours two in order. Pick yourself up and recover and forth, let them. They may change houses down!” When the parent walks a bare minimum working order in their minds after a week or two and these routes with the children, he or she your house. Establish a routine every- make a switch. This maneuver usually can exchange phone numbers with par- one follows for getting ready in the tests out Mom’s and Dad’s reactions, a ents of potential playmates and friendly morning, preparing and eating meals, trial-and-error way to learn what will local merchants. When Dad sends Eric doing homework, buying groceries and feel best but also what the parents will to the store or neighbourhood market for gas, transporting kids to school or to accept. Allow reasonable time to try bread and Eric has not returned after a Little League, for rest and play, and for out different schemes; observe what is reasonable time, Dad – because he took going to bed. Everyone needs to know easy and comfortable for the children a minute to get the market’s number and what to expect. and then agree on rules. “Usually one to introduce Eric to the manager – can or two things transfer,” said one parent. phone and ask if Eric has been there. Paying attention to household man- “Our eldest wears the same hat back agement may sound like a dull remedy and forth. Our youngest carries his Such groundwork establishes an for the aches and pains of separation blanket and teddy bear.” Remember, automatic neighbourhood watch for or depression, but both common sense when your children have their clothes your children. Children gain a sense of and research support this approach as and things in two homes you also get security and of belonging; their parents fundamental to calming fears and to rid of the “suitcase conversation” with gain peace of mind and real information the development of a new stability. A the other parent. about the neighbourhood. Groundwork sensible routine, with regular meals may take a few hours, but it pays off and regular times for shared recre- Groundwork again and again in security and continu- ation, translates into “home,” being ity for you and your children. cared about, and a sense of security. Groundwork designates the time “Knowing my kids needed that routine parent and child take walking together Healthy Parenting Patterns forced me to be orderly for at least part around the new home(s), explor- of my week,” said John. “Even when I ing, familiarizing themselves with 1. Parents frequently share informa- didn’t think I could make dinner or read landmarks, meeting neighbours and tion about their child. Written notes, that bedtime story, I did it. It actually potential playmates, discovering voice mail, and e-mail often substi- did make things easier – not only for busy streets, and – most important – tute for one-on-one talks. them, but for me, too.” determining boundaries for roam- 2. Parents’ communications are res- ing without an adult. Groundwork pectful, usually businesslike and This family and others who ordered is the most basic settling-in work direct. No verbal messages are sent their lives early on – despite their dif- that the parent and child must do in through the children. ficulties – seem to have an easier time a new neighbourhood, but it is often 3. Parents keep the child out of the of readjusting overall. A sensible rou- the most ignored task of parenting. It middle of their problems with one tine not only feels safe, it also allows should be done by each parent at each another, and there is no neighbour- our minds and bodies to calm down and home and benefits are widespread and hood “soap opera.” heal. long-lasting. 4. Each parent supports the other par- ent’s relationship with the child and House Rules and Your Parenting Lecturing the child as you march helps the child feel free to love both Style over the ground won’t do the job. of them. Nor is this an activity to be delegated 5. Parents provide the child the envi- Parenting apart means setting up to nannies or sitters. Parent and child ronment, support, and love to your own House Rules and settling into do it together. As with other shared develop normally – physically, emo- your own style. This can be liberating, activities, your child has an opportu- tionally, and spiritually. especially if you felt the other parent nity to tell you what he or she thinks. used to look over your shoulder too Groundwork promotes a sense of secu- Order in the House much. Many times more than one par- rity and can also show the neighbours ent, often the father, has reported that that you are a caring parent. A predictable, orderly structure for he is enjoying his children more and

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 11 feeling a rapport and depth of feeling for the main organization of the child’s daughter puts away the dishes, and the for them that had escaped him earlier. day – for example, bedtime periods, ten-year-old vacuums, the burden of when to do homework, TV watching, housework is lightened by teamwork You can start with House Rules that and curfews. and the growth of a new family feeling. reflect your expectations as well as those of the children. “If I want to take Eating Meals Together Participation builds solidarity, as all the phone off the hook during dinner, I athletes who play team sports know can.” “If I want to have a quiet period Do it. Families that eat together usu- well. Children of any age need the sat- for reading or headphone stereo listen- ally do better, especially the children. isfaction of doing a job in cooperation ing after nine p.m., I can write it into the This is a time to ask how the day went, with Mom or Dad. Children’s fam- blueprint.” Some advice: if your natural to share jokes, ideas, hardships, hopes. ily work is not a form of cheap labour inclination is to be a relaxed and per- To be acknowledged, listened to, and for unpleasant tasks, but a preparation missive parent, consider tightening up listen to others is to feel like a family. for an independent life as an adult. with a routine at least during your first Turn off the TV. This is the time to talk Completed tasks remind children that year. Many children interpret limits as a together, even if the kids aren’t all that they belong; that they are functioning reflection of their parents’ personal sta- interested. They will be, eventually. family members, trusted, appreciated, bility and as caring for their well-being. and most of all, needed to keep the You can provide the leadership for a Safety Rules household running. “I feel guilty hav- set of House Rules reached in a family ing the children do work,” said a parent. powwow that promotes safety, health, Each home, regardless of how the His misplaced guilt won’t make them and privacy for everyone. These House children’s time is divided, has basic feel at home, but simple tasks and the Rules can be revised anytime you think safety needs. You need a clearly leg- resumption of a more realistic parenting is wise. ible list of important numbers: the pattern will. doctor’s, friends’, and neighbours’, as House Rules at the Other Home well as numbers for emergency, fire, Children in divorced families often and police. Parents should familiarize grow more realistic about the relationship Common sense tells you that the children with fire escapes, routes in between caring and sharing, about how more House Rules you have in com- case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hur- things get done in the grownup world. mon with the other parent, the better. ricanes, floods, fire, or other disasters. When children help cook meals, do the It’s less confusing to the children and Set up meeting places for the family if laundry, clean the house, shop, and eat more supportive for the parents. But it separated. Please do not overlook these the meal they helped prepare, they would be rare for both parents to have essential routines. There’s no need to know what their work accomplished. exactly the same House Rules. Try to alarm very young children with details A sense of mastery and increased self- have the same or close to the same rules of such information. But they should confidence can grow. Children such as memorize their own addresses and last these seem to be more independent at names, phone numbers, and the names an earlier age than are children from of other family or friends to call in an families that have never faced adversity emergency. or reorganization.

Family Work How decisions are made about fam- ily work and family rules is different No home can function in each family. Some parents prefer to without somebody doing make all the decisions, others allow the work. Besides being their children to decide. A good mid- necessary, this work point leaves certain areas open to dis- can help build security cussion, but the parent reserves the and solidity for the new right to make the final decisions, while family’s self-image – the other areas are discussed openly by especially when all with each child’s preference given as the parent and much priority as possible.  children work Dr. Isolina Ricci is a renowned mar- together. When riage and family therapist, educator, the parent scrubs and mediator. Dr. Ricci is the founder the sink, the and director of Custody & CoParenting eight-year-old Solutions, and CoParentingToday.com.

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 12 WHAT TO INCLUDE IN YOUR By Jill Burrett and Michael Green PARENTING PLAN A well-constructed and principled parenting plan can help you through tough times.

parenting plan might contain spend with each parent, grandpar- • Additional agreements, for exam- some or all of the following ents, and so on; ple, not to discuss money in the A elements: • The importance of maintaining rela- presence of children, and so on. • The parents’ philosophy and atti- tionships with parents and others; tudes regarding their care of the • How travel between homes will Collaborative Parenting Plans children; occur; • An acknowledgment of responsibil- • The schools, school activities, and This type of plan will work for sepa- ities for the welfare of the children; extra-curricular programs; rated parents who can treat one another • Daily decisions and more major • Arrangements for vacations, holi- with decency and sensitivity, who ones that require consultation; days, and other special days; acknowledge the importance of both • Where everyone will live; • Special needs regarding medication, parents to the children, and who work • What time or times the children will education, clothes, or equipment; hard to foster all the relationships that • Financial arrangements, including are important for their children. They extra expenses; talk to one another regularly about the For parents who find it • Communication between the two children. Their children’s friends are impossible to get along, parents and sharing information welcome in either home. In some cases parallel parenting can work. about the children; they come together for Christmas, • Communication between the par- birthday parties, and the like. Many That means each household ents and the children via telephone, separated parents are doing this! has its own set of rules, email, and so on; and the parents have a • Appointment of a mediator/coordi- No matter how well you are get- minimum of contact and nator to deal with disputes; ting on with your ex-partner, a written communication. • A specified time for a review of the parenting plan is still a valuable asset. plan; Even in the most amicable of separated

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 13 households, misunderstandings arise. see him, and the children don’t sense People (even children) are different your discomfort. A parenting plan might contain and sometimes difficult. Circumstances some or all of the following change; unexpected things happen. Parallel Parenting Plans elements: The separated family is a special fam- ily and calls for special effort. At times For parents who find it impossible to it’s easy for the best of parents to lose get along, parallel parenting can work. • The parents’ philosophy and heart, to feel exhausted, to wonder if That means each household has its own attitudes regarding their care of their efforts are worthwhile. set of rules, and the parents have a min- the children; imum of contact and communication. • An acknowledgment of respon- A well-constructed and principled One thing they agree on is the children sibilities for the welfare of the parenting plan can help you through have two parents and they are going children; tough times. You can take it out and to spend some time in each household • Daily decisions and more major read it again. You can discuss it with according to a determined schedule. ones that require consultation; your ex-partner or your children. It will • Where everyone will live; help you renew your commitment and The essential ingredient in such a • What time or times the children maybe your enthusiasm. A key fea- plan is the commitment of both par- will spend with each parent, ture of a collaborative parenting plan ents to stick to the terms of their agree- grandparents, and so on; is the commitment of both parents ment. Moreover, the plan will need to • The importance of maintaining to consult one another on issues that be extremely detailed to cope not only relationships with parents and affect the children, their welfare and with the children’s day-to-day timeta- others; development. bles, but also to foresee and deal with • How the travel between homes unexpected changes and hiccups. will occur; Q: I’m finding what to do about the • The schools, school activities, children’s arrangements incredibly dif- Where there is ongoing hostility and extracurricular programs; ficult. I feel so upset for them. I don’t between separated parents and little or • Arrangements for vacations, trust their father to do the right thing by no communication, a written parent- holidays, and other special them. I don’t want to have anything to ing plan is essential. With it, and with days; do with him. I don’t want them staying a firm commitment to abide by the • Special needs regarding medi- overnight with his girlfriend there, and rules, shared parenting can still work. cation, education, clothes, or I want him to feed them properly and Without it, misunderstandings and con- equipment; stick to sensible bedtimes. Can I have fusion will inevitably arise and children • Financial arrangements, includ- this in a parenting plan? will suffer. ing extra expenses; • Communication between the A: You can have very specific details Sure, there will be problems, even two parents and sharing infor- in your plan, and so can he. There’s no after implementing the most carefully mation about the children; limit to what you can have. If you feel structured parenting plan. Life’s like • Communication between the he’s out of touch with their routines, that! It’s never smooth or unevent- parents and the children via inform him, perhaps with the help of a ful, whether your family is intact or telephone, email, and so on; mediator if talking with him is uncom- separated.  • Appointment of a mediator/ fortable for you. You could also write coordinator to deal with dis- lists for him, as appendices to a plan. This article has been edited and putes; While everyone gets used to the sepa- excerpted with permission from Shared • A specified time for a review of ration, you could suggest he spend his Parenting: Raising Your Children the plan; time with them without his partner. Try Cooperatively After Separation (Ten • Additional agreements, for to approach the creation of your plan Speed Press 2009), by Jill Burrett and example, not to discuss money with an open mind, inviting him to Michael Green. in the presence of children, and draw up as many clauses as he wants. so on. Work out what issues you want to be Jill Burrett is a psychologist with consulted on, and aim to set out the over 30 years of experience help- arrangements very specifically so you ing parents manage family changes. don’t need to have much contact with Michael Green is a lawyer who runs him. You may be well advised to have a mediation practice specializing a neutral third party as a pick-up and in family conferencing and dispute drop-off person, so you don’t have to resolution.

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 14 Conflict & Parenting: Customize Your Post-Separation Parenting Relationship By Janice Shaw

hen you go to the library talking together does not place the lis- direct dialogue; they can “co-parent”. or browse through a book tener or their children at risk. In high- Higher conflict families need infor- Wstore, there are many books conflict families, however, the message mation about a “low- to no-contact” for divorcing parents, most of which often remains the same without regard approach between parents; they need have some version of the following to the realities of these families. In to “parallel-parent”. Parallel parenting message: “You must communicate high-conflict or abusive relationships, can be compared to train tracks. The with the other parent for the children’s alternative interaction models between rails of a train track run consistently sake, no matter how you feel about parents are essential. side by side, never touching, yet still him/her.” In this context, communica- effectively helping to move the train tion usually means talking directly to Lower-conflict families need infor- from one place to another. Similarly, the other parent. mation and skill-building aimed at a parents can parent in a parallel fash- more “direct contact” mode of com- ion, never communicating directly yet This is a useful, in fact helpful, mes- munication. In these families, par- still successfully raising their mutual sage if parents are able to do so and if ents can often engage in frequent and child.

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 15 Studies consistently indicate that Parents often wonder how they can methods until the conflict/anger sub- divorce itself does not cause emotional possibly cooperate during periods of sides. When people communicate and behavioural problems in children. high conflict. But cooperation doesn’t directly before they are emotionally It is the degree of conflict that deter- have to mean being “best friends” or ready to do so, they will likely expe- mines the child’s adjustment. Parents even talking directly. Using distancing rience failure. Conflict may then inad- must find some way to cooperate to techniques such as respectful e-mail, vertently increase. Research indicates minimize conflict for the sake of the voicemail, or fax messages assists par- that once people have tried and failed children. ents in maintaining the distance they to communicate, their ability and will- require from each other while still par- ingness to engage in a non-conflictual, enting effectively. Separated couples direct mode of communication subse- do not necessarily maintain a constant quently diminishes. In some cases, the degree of conflict throughout the dura- angry treatment given and received tion of the separation/divorce process. completely impairs the parenting part- ners’ ability to see themselves as any- Some families are engaged in high thing but enemies forever. If you are conflict in the early stages of separa- unable to communicate directly to your tion, especially when one ex in a civil fashion, do not let anyone partner did not want talk you into it. The parent who is able the separation. to engage in a more direct mode of Initial anger can communication often tries to make the be very intense. other parent, who is appropriately try- With time, ing to distance him/herself, feel guilty. some parents can move to Parents should not accept such guilt a lower-con- about not yet being able to talk directly flict relationship to the “friendly parent”. In fact, it is with more direct likely to be to your children’s advan- communica- tage for you to act cautiously and to tion. Conversely, engage in a low- to no-contact com- some separa- munication mode when you are unsure tions begin with that you can manage your own anger. little animosity, but conflict may Because the degree of conflict increase when dif- between separated/divorced parents ficult issues, such as may vary over time, parents need to the division of assets develop a range of options for com- or new partners, must munication, including both direct con- be tackled. During tact and low- to no-contact strategies times of stress and within their parenting repertoire. It is higher conflict, fami- useful for parents to re-evaluate the lies should revert to conflict level regularly and to make parallel-parenting adjustments in the amount of contact techniques with between themselves accordingly. lower or no direct contact. Whether you engage in co-parenting or parallel parenting, you can still be One parent good parents. Regardless of how close may experience you are to your ex, you can still both be more conflict very close to your children. And that’s and anger than the what it’s all about.  other. Even when only one parent is in Janice Shaw is a counselor and high-conflict mode, low- the coordinator of the separation and to no-contact techniques are divorce programs at Jewish Family preferable to direct-contact and Child Services in Toronto.

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 16 hen I fi rst became arrangement or no court- a separated par- ordered schedule in place, Went and realized parenting (and life in gen- that life would become much eral) may become signifi- different than I imagined, I cantly more difficult. had a diffi cult time embrac- ing the fact that I would have Resist the Urge to to parent by a specifi c and Change the Schedule rigid schedule. The ongoing diffi culties associated with Even when there is a having a child in common schedule in place, frequent with someone you have great requests to modify the child trouble dealing with can -access arrangements, espe- seem overwhelming at times. cially early on, can lead to You may feel like you will be problems. So, fight the urge stuck in such a situation for to make lots of scheduling years on end. I have found adjustments. Parents will it really helps if you adhere often keep score when it to a schedule and limit your comes to deviating from the requests to deviate from that MY TIME schedule; they will base their schedule. decision to honor a sched- vs. uling adjustment request I think I can already hear on the way they have been your objections. You may feel treated when making similar the way I did – it shouldn’t requests. When that happens, be this way. Perhaps. But it is YOUR TIME the focus strays from benefit- this way. Trust me when I say ing the children to fixating that living by the schedule is on “tit for tat” discussions. better than not living by it. I SCHEDULING definitely felt that my parent- If a simple scheduling ing time shouldn’t have had By Mike Mastracci matter like taking your child to be only on specific days to the circus causes problems, of the week and certainly not You may resist having to keep then it may not be worth the only on every other weekend. aggravation to suggest the What if there was something to a set co-parenting schedule, but changes. It is best to stick special and it didn’t fall on it is best to keep your to the schedule and adjust “my weekend”? I thought yourself accordingly. These that my baby’s mother and I schedule changes to a minimum. life adjustments are far bet- should be able to adjust times ter than constant arguing and and events around our sched- fighting. Having to miss out ules. Surely, one would sur- on things is just another sac- mise, two reasonable adults can make schedule. In the immediate aftermath rifice to be made when parents decide schedule adjustments concerning their of a breakup, especially if emotions are not to stay together. If you do decide child’s life, as needed, at any given time. running high, scheduling issues can be to request a change or a switch in the Wow! Wouldn’t that be nice? a real disaster. In short, my personal schedule, you should give as much and professional experience has dem- notice as possible and state why you’re The Benefits of Sticking to a onstrated that the sooner you can get to suggesting the change. When you do so, Fixed Schedule a fair and reasonable schedule and stick state why the schedule change will ben- to it, the less you will argue and fight efit the children. It is not about accom- I quickly found that many people over all child-related issues. modating you. That will generally not experience the same frustrations and be persuasive. that they, too, are disappointed when It really is best to limit the oppor- schedule adjustments don’t work tunities for disagreements. Following To get out of keeping score, teach out. Unfortunately, it’s common for a set schedule will help immensely. If by example. If you can be big enough newly separated parents to resist a set there is no agreed-upon child access to “give in” to a schedule adjustment

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 17 request, don’t ask for make-up time. Try of the Defendant on Wednesdays and children are scheduled to be with to get out of that habit. But, if scheduling Thursdays (overnights) and alternat- you. accommodations are a virtual “one-way ing Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays • Recognize that the other parent is street,” it may occasionally be necessary (over nights) with the transition time equally as blessed or cursed at times to hold your ground and not give in to occurring after school (from school) by adhering to a set schedule. make a point. However, keep in mind during the school year, and at 6:00 • Try to be accommodating in chang- that one of your noblest child-friendly p.m. during the summer and in the ing things for the other parent to goals should be to do all that you can to event that school is closed. build “goodwill” for the future. promote a give-and-take parenting rela- • Recognize that if you get into the tionship. Someone has to get it started. The party exercising parental time habit of making scheduling accom- Remember the line from an old hymn, with the minor child shall be responsible modations when asked, it will “Let peace begin with me”? for returning the child to the other parent increase the odds that one day you at 6:00 p.m. as outlined above. When will receive the same courtesies. When there is a permanent schedule the transitions occur after school, the • Teach by doing. in place (keeping in mind that when it receiving party shall be responsible for • Lead by example. comes to child custody and visitation, picking up the minor child from school. everything is subject to future modi- Scheduling Don’ts fication by the courts) and when the The plain English translation is that schedule is followed, life is significantly the “said minor child” always spends • Don’t make plans with your children, easier for everyone. It is often best to the night with one parent on Mondays or concerning your children, that do conduct yourself by acting as if you will and Tuesdays and with the other on not fall on your scheduled time. only have your children on the days and Wednesdays and Thursdays, and they • Don’t let your children know about times that are spelled out in your court alternate Friday, Saturday, and Sunday “tentative plans” that they will “miss order; without exception. Simply put – nights. It is a basic five-two and two- out on” if the other parent won’t you can only schedule activities and do five set alternating schedule; the child adjust the schedule. things with your children when those spends five consecutive overnights with • Don’t set your children up for disap- things fall during your “scheduled” mom, followed by two overnights with pointment over scheduling change time. This is not as bad as it sounds. In dad, then two with mom and then five requests. fact, it is beneficial in many respects. with dad. • Don’t dwell on things that you or your children miss because the To illustrate this point, I will share If you have such a schedule, you schedule isn’t in your favor. the basic 50-50 residential schedule don’t have to spend time figuring out If you find yourself in never-ending (holiday and vacation times excluded if it is your Monday or your Tuesday battles over who gets the kids on this day for now) that has governed my life, or her Wednesday, and so forth. In my or that day, you need to hope that these my son’s life, and my ex-wife’s life for case, if something falls on a Monday or scheduling fights will get “old” before more than a decade. After you grasp the Tuesday evening, I instantly know that the children do. The good news is that schedule, I will point out some of the my son is with me. If it is a Wednesday by the time your children hit the teenage advantages and disadvantages of stick- or Thursday night activity, I know that years difficult parents do often lighten- ing to it. my son is with his mom. up with each other. The bad news is that dealing with teenagers presents a whole My Court Order Such a schedule seems fair. The new type of parent-child scheduling benefits outweigh the drawbacks. Both dilemma, so save your energy! That the Plaintiff and Defendant shall parents can plan around it without con-  have shared physical custody of the said stantly having to interact with each other This article has been minor child in accordance with the fol- over scheduling issues. Both parents will edited and ex-cerpted lowing schedule: miss out on some things. Sometimes the from the book STOP • The minor child shall be in the care schedule may benefit you, sometimes Fighting Over the Kids of the Plaintiff on Mondays and it won’t. Like life in general, there are (St. Gabriel’s Press, Tuesdays (overnights) and alternat- many times when things will go in your 2009). ing Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays favor, and many times when they will (overnights) with the transition not. Both you and your children will get Mike Mastracci is the occurring after school (from school) over it. president of the Maryland Collaborative during the school year, and at 6:00 Law Association. MikeTheLawyer.com p.m. during the summer and in the Scheduling Dos event that school is closed. • The minor child shall be in the care • Focus on what you can do when the

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 18 Strategies for Effective 9and Healthy Co-Parenting

Follow these strategies and give your child the peaceful and loving environment he or she deserves.

By Shannon R. Rios

Strategy #1: Choose to Take the Strategy #3: Don’t Act In Anger there are many other options, such as High Road mediation, collaborative team divorce, Give yourself some time to calm and parent coordination, which are In the co-parenting class I teach, par- down so you can think clearly. Don’t much less adversarial. Please explore ents say, “I am the one who always buys speak to your co-parent when you are these options for the sake of your notebooks for my child.” What I say is, angry. Ask yourself why this situation children. if you are not able to civilly communi- is so frustrating for you. What are you cate about this, then take the high road. telling yourself about this situation If you are considering taking your If notebooks (or pants, or shoes, or dia- that makes it so frustrating? Take your divorce into the courts or if you already pers) are worth a huge argument, then own time-out if you are feeling angry. are in court, please take a moment now you are not willing to put your child’s Do something healthy to help yourself and assess why you truly are doing this. needs first. This anger is truly not about calm down. The good news is that you Do you think this is going to be better for the notebook, the notebook represents always have a say in the choices you your family in the long run? Or are you your old unresolved issues and anger at make. harboring old anger that you are hoping this person. “Let the old anger go.” Let the courts will work out for you? Is this the stuff go, it is not worth it. Strategy #4: Don’t Battle it really about your child or deep down is Out in the Courts — Use Other it your issue with the other parent you Strategy #2: Pick Your Battles Methods Whenever Possible are trying to have the courts work out. The legal process is very expensive. A previous manager of mine said to A therapist whom I used to teach a Don’t waste your child’s future educa- me, “Shannon, I have learned to pick “Co-Parenting Through Your Divorce” tion arguing your old wounds in court. my battles.” She was indicating there class with would tell parents that we This is not the way to peace. are things she chose to ignore because only had one thing to say about battling it would be a huge uphill climb. it out in the courts. He told participants You may be wondering at this point in the class, “You will end up frustrated what a parenting coordinator does. Make sure that the issues you choose and broke.” If you choose to battle in Most states have a professional role of to bring to your ex’s attention are really the courts and you have children, you this type, and they may be called dif- worth the amount of effort you may can be assured of one outcome: your ferent names in each state. In this role, extend in arguing about them. Always children will lose. I have also heard I use all my skills and training to assist assess the cost-benefit ratio of your many parents agree that you lose com- parents to effectively work together for actions. Make sure the cost of bring- plete control once you have given the the greatest good of their child. A par- ing the issue up will reap a big enough courts responsibility for the decisions enting coordinator by definition in the benefit. you cannot make for your family. And state of Colorado is:

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 19 “A person with specific qualifica- of you as you discuss. Remember for the next few weeks?” tions that can be appointed by the court this is about them, not you and your • Discussion – the other parent either or by agreement of the parties to resolve issues, anger or fears. agrees or disagrees with solution parenting disputes after your case has • Focus on the present. posed. If you can’t come to an been concluded. You can agree to make • Envision this person as a co-worker agreement, table it for the day. If the recommendations of a third per- with whom you must get along. you begin to argue, take a break or son binding by jointly requesting the • See this meeting as you would any decide to discuss at another time (set appointment of a decision maker whose other business meeting. the time). decisions can be enforced by a court • Use the words please and thank you • Review – go over the solution that order.” – CRS § 14-10-128.1 as much as possible. was decided on or what will happen • Remember to use “I statements” and next (eg. will discuss again in two The parent coordinator, if used effec- not blame the other person. Take days after considering options). tively, can facilitate choices and change responsibility. to promote long-term healing and heal- • If the meeting gets heated and you Strategy #7: Follow General thy co-parenting for your family. There are feeling your frustration or anger Communication Guidelines is no price you can put on the impact rise over a level 3 or 4, call a time- of this for you and your children. It is out, use the restroom or take a break. • If you are not able to communicate definitely a choice you should explore. • If it seems that you are not accom- verbally without conflict, use email It can save you money by keeping you plishing anything and the frustration and text as a means to communi- out of the courts. When I am working as or anger level rises to a 5, adjourn cate. This is actually much better for a parenting coordinator, I also view my the meeting and reschedule. your child than anger and unhealthy role as getting the two parents to work boundaries. However, it is important together on their own. Other alterna- Strategy #6: Use the to not act out in front of your child if tives to going to court include collab- Problem-Solving Method when you receive a text message that frus- orative team divorce and mediation. If Co-Parenting Issues Arise trates you. you can use any of these, I would rec- • Keep a journal of what happens dur- ommend it for the long-term health of This six-step method is good for par- ing your time with your child and your family. ents who have some ability to commu- share the journal with your co-par- nicate. If you are not communicating, ent as a method of communication Strategy #5: Follow the use this model with a neutral third party instead of talking at exchanges. Business-Meeting Guidelines present: • Share a common scheduler when Model • Make an appointment – the person possible. There are many online with the concern should make the calendars and communication sys- If you and your co-parent are able to appointment. tems for families of divorce. Family meet or talk on the phone, use the fol- • Describe the problem – making Wizard is one of them. lowing business-meeting guidelines for “I statements” so as to not blame • Use “I statements” instead of “You your conversations: the other person. State how you statements”, sometimes called • No yelling. think the problem is making your U-bombs, because “You state- • No saying bad words. child’s life or your life challenging. ments” have a very negative effect • One person talks at a time. Example: I am feeling frustrated on communication. • Take a break if needed – either par- with pick up times because Suzy ent can call a timeout. was upset yesterday when you were Strategy #8: Follow the Rules • No bringing up the past. late. What can we do to ensure we of Engagement for Creating • No blaming. are both on time? Healthy/Functional Boundaries • If you’re not getting anywhere, ask • The other parent responds – not with for the meeting to end. excuses but with reasons for this • When visiting the other parent’s • Create any other guidelines you situation. Example: “I apologize for home, especially relating to the think would be helpful and agree to being late. I have a big project at pick-up and drop-off of children, be them prior to the meeting. work and it is close to the deadline respectful. This process needs to be right now.” very clear. Sample meeting outline: • The person with the problem • Determine what type of access each • Have an agenda of items you both suggests a solution to problem. parent has to the other parent’s want to discuss. You can both share Example: “Can you tell them you home at pick-up and drop-off times. your items when you meet. need to leave early on Fridays or Get these expectations clear for both • Have a picture of your child in front should we change the pick-up time of you.

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 20 • You must transition your intimate a month or once every other week Strategy #9: Follow the Co- relationship and all of its woes and where you will discuss any impor- Parenting Job Description closeness aspects to a complete tant issues regarding the child either business relationship. on the phone or in a public place. I created this job description for the • You understand that there must be Know what you will discuss in this role of co-parent, as it is truly one of the boundaries in this new business meeting and stick to the topic. Stay most important jobs you will ever have relationship. This is not a place for in the present and know that com- in life. extreme emotion, this is a work- promise is the key. If you can’t agree It is very important that you and your place, the place where you will grow on something, table it for a few days. co-parent understand the requirements. and develop your child. If conflict If you still can’t agree, use a media- You may not have had a job description is still occurring, contact should be tor or parenting coordinator. when you started as a parent, but now as minimal. If there is a lot of negative • Remember, when it comes to your you take on this new role of a co-parent, emotion, contact should be limited child and their parents agreeing, I wanted you to be clear that the expec- to text messages and emails unless there never is a winner or loser. As tations is the most important role within there is an emergency. long as parents can agree, your child the new family organization. It is instru- • Parenting is now your job as a will win. mental in ensuring that the emotional divorced parent. You cannot rely and physical development of the child is on your child’s other parent for The Wisconsin Inter-Professional maintained appropriately. This positive everyday shared parenting. They Committee on Divorce’s Structured role serves the child to ensure they adjust may not be available and you must Co-Parenting Training summarizes the in the best way possible to an event that learn to parent your child on your conditions necessary for successful was not their choice. It is essential that own now. If this is difficult for you, co-parenting: this role finds ways to communicate I recommend taking a class. There • Successful co-parents love their effectively with the other co-parent. This are many resources on and offline. children. This means that as a parent role understands the importance of both Try www.loveandlogic.com to find you put aside your personal needs parents being involved in their child’s life. a good parenting class. You can also and interests to do what is right for find helpful resources at www.the- your child now so they will have an If you implement the above strategies parentstoolshop.com. Don’t allow easier life as an adult. you will no longer be a parent basher. your child to suffer because you • Successful co-parents separate You will be an effective and healthy co- don’t have good parenting skills. problems of the spousal relationship parent for your child.  • You are not friends with your ex from the responsibilities and tasks unless this is possible for the two of parenting. They keep their feel- This article has been of you. You don’t need to discuss ings and issues about how the mar- edited and excerpted intimate and personal details, you riage ended in a box away from the from the book The 7 are now divorced. This only contin- co-parent relationship. Fatal Mistakes Divorced ues the relationship for one or both • Successful co-parents are honest & Separated Parents parents, making it harder for you with each other regarding children’s Make: Strategies for and your child to move on. Usually issues and do not engage in discuss- Raising Healthy Child- one person may still want intimacy ing non-child-related information – ren of Divorce (Lifethreads Books, whether they know it or not; if this it is now none of your business. 2009). Shannon Rios, MS LMFT, is is the case, being friends is not pos- • Successful co-parents keep their a marriage and family therapist who sible. Being friends with the under- promises to each other and their specializes in working with children lying need of intimacy will always child. They know breaking agree- and families of divorce and conflict. lead to some type of upset. ments leads to chaos. www.healthychildrenofdivorce.com. • Communication must be very clear and email may be the best method to 1. Successful co-parents set and work Related Article ensure everyone is on the same page toward goals for their children. regarding your child and logistics. 2. Set goals for your children – what How to Keep the Noncustodial Communication should be limited environment or life do you want to Parent Involved to those things that are necessary to create for your child of divorce? Maintaining a healthy relationship discuss about your child. When you 3. Make plans on how to accomplish between your children and the non- have your child, unless there is an those goals – parenting plans and custodial parent. emergency, there really should be no parents agreeing on behavior with www.divorcemag.com/articles/ reason to contact your co-parent. each other. here-and-now-how-to-keep-the- • If possible, decide on a time once 4. Carry out the plans. noncustodial-parent-involved

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 21 Talking To Your Child: Positive Comments About Her Other Parent Your child is listening. It is important that she hears you talk nicely about her other parent.

By Ellen Kellner

ace it. The subject of your you can say about him. He has nice hair? to insinuate a longing or unrequited love child’s other parent is going to He has good hearing? He can walk in a for him. Keep your emotions out of it. come up between you and your straight line? If not, make it up. It is so This isn’t about you. This is about mak- child. When it is your child who is doing important that your child hear you talk ing room for Dad in your child’s life. Fthe talking, remember she is also listen- nicely about her other parent. This is her This is about including him in her home. ing. She is hearing what you say about dad, a person that she loves. You shouldn’t her other parent and she is internalizing “dis” the people that your child loves. Inevitably, your child will ask you all of those words. So what form will And you shouldn’t badmouth the people if you love Daddy. If your child ever your words take? Will you talk about her that love your child, especially her dad. asks, the answer should be an immedi- dad through clenched teeth or through ate “Yes, of course! He’s your dad. I love a smile? You get to choose what your Your child should always hear posi- everyone that cares for you.” Your child child hears from you. Choose the Pro- tive comments about her dad, even if it has never experienced romantic love Child Way. is as simple as “your dad always brushes and would have no clue what that is. It his teeth with such care.” She doesn’t really isn’t necessary to explain the dif- The Old Way need to know that this annoying habit ference. Your child isn’t interested in the usually lasted about 20 minutes of every degree of love, just that you love the per- You rarely mention your ex’s name. day and night, and gave him the excuse son that she loves too. You can say this. There is an understanding that your ex to not change her diaper. What bothered was a part of your past and a bad part, you about your ex could be a welcome Keep the positive comments flow- at that. If in a moment of weakness, his trait in your child. Wouldn’t it be won- ing. Through your consistent remarks, name is mentioned, it certainly isn’t in a derful if your child suddenly developed your child will learn to be secure in also positive light. You hiss his name through an interest in brushing her teeth after bringing up her dad’s name. You want to clenched teeth and follow it by a string hearing this? encourage your child to share her feel- of expletives. The comments that you ings about her dad without fear of being make about your ex are anything but So, think of nice things to say. Daily, attacked or judged. In turn, your child positive. Everyone in the household mention your ex in positive ways. Any will feel that her dad’s presence is an knows that it is better to avoid the topic way of bringing positive thoughts of integral part of her life. And you should altogether, and they do. your child’s dad to her is beneficial to be just fine with that.  her. You don’t want your ex to be some Your child knows, through experi- abstract, foreign person. You want him Ellen Kellner is an expert with The ence, that mentioning her dad’s name to be real, tangible, and ever present in National Association of Divorce for brings a wrath of sarcasm and old pain her life and thoughts. “You’ll have to Women and Children, and a contribu- to your surface. She knows that in your tell Dad that joke, he’ll love it.” “Look tor to Cutting Edge Law. Ellen inspires home, her dad’s name is not welcome. at that car, it looks just like Dad’s car.” other divorced parents and law pro- And you are just fine with that. “Dad’s at work right now, I bet he’s eat- fessionals to nurture the child’s spirit ing lunch too.” “Your giggle is so nice, through divorce. With her book, The It’s so important that your child hear it’s just like Dad’s.” “Yum, look at that Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex you talk nicely about her other parent. lobster. Dad loves lobster, too.” “You (Untapped Talent, 2010). Ellen shares chose to make the flowers blue. Blue her Pro-Child tactics with parents The Pro-Child Way is Dad’s favorite color.” Mention, men- who are looking for a conscientious tion, mention. And by the way, just as method to divorced parenting. For more Sure your ex might have been diffi- you’re not to insinuate that your ex is information visit www.theprochildway. cult, but there has to be something nice actually a deadbeat jerk, you’re also not com.

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 22 Parentalgetting a By Amy Botwinick grip

Many parents put them- selves under a lot of pressure when they think about the talk they need to have with their children about the upcoming separation.

he biggest challenge is to be your children’s rock during a time when you feel like you are about to lose your mind. During the transition, your kids Tare dealing with their own issues and emotions. There is defi nitely pain and loss for children; they will need time to grieve and experience their pain before moving on. As their parent, you need to give your children time and space to do this, which will require much of your patience and energy. You have to be in a good place yourself to do this and fi nd the strength to help them get through this diffi cult time.

It can be a recipe for disaster as they test you and watch to see how you are going to stand up to them and the new reality you all face. What they need from you right now is for you to be a strong parent. Don’t use your children as your emotional support – they are not miniature adults. The last thing you want to do is switch roles where they feel this incredible burden of making sure you are all right.

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 23 It scares them, and it’s just not their job. address them the best you can with the Company It’s an easy trap to fall into so remember constant reassurance you will always • Older school-age children: How Do to let them be children and keep them love them and that the divorce was not I Feel About: My Parents’ Divorce out of the adult world of problems. Find their fault. Don’t fall into the trap of By Julia Cole, Copper Beech Books the appropriate support system through giving them false hope you might get • Preteen: Pre-Teen Pressures: friends, family and organizations to back together again just to make them Divorce By Debra Goldentyer, help get you through this time. Do what feel better. Steck Vaughn you need to get yourself in a good place so you can regain your strength. You Divorce is confusing for children, There is a great catalogue called can’t give to your children what you so don’t overload them with too much Child’s Work, Child’s Play that provides don’t have yourself. information. Give them basic informa- great tools such as books and board tion so they understand you will con- games to help your children adapt to the It will be very important for your tinue to take care of them and love them change. Showing them that there are children to express their feelings. the same way. Remember, “The Talk” other children in similar situations will Sharing your own feelings (with much will never go exactly how you planned, keep them from feeling alienated. editing) will encourage them to share as and your children’s reactions will be well. Don’t be afraid to be honest and painful to see. Allow plenty of time for It’s important to paint a picture for let them hear that you are sad about hugs and kisses and explain again that it children of how their immediate future the family breaking up. Follow up with was an adult decision that had nothing will look. Explain their new living some positive thoughts and ideas of to do with them. arrangements, how much time they will how the situation will get better. Some be spending with each parent, and what children will require counselling to help Information you give your children holidays and vacations will look like. them through the adjustment period. should always be age appropriate. As Let them have access to your soon-to- It’s important that they express their the years pass and they grow up, they be-ex’s extended family. The more feelings and deal with their emotions; might ask for more specific details of people in a child’s life who support and otherwise, it just comes back to haunt your breakup. This can be difficult, but love them, the better off they will be. them and you. For those of you with an you want to remain honest as you try not Don’t ever ask a child to choose who only child, keep in mind that they have to bad-mouth their other parent. Kids they want to live with; it’s not fair to no sibling to commiserate with. Group are very smart. Give them the basics put them in that position. Prepare them counselling with children in similar cir- without focusing on the negative, and with books and games before the actual cumstances can be very helpful so they they will fill in the holes for themselves. separation and try to spend some extra know they are not alone. Always keep the lines of communica- time together. Continue to do the family tion open. Leaving children in the dark rituals; make having fun a priority with The Right Words, the Right can be harmful because their imagina- your kids. Do the best you can to prepare Time, the Right Place tions will likely make up realities that your children for the upcoming changes are much worse than what really hap- and don’t forget to check yourself – Many parents put themselves under pened. This can leave children angry separating for the first child visitation a lot of pressure when they think about and confused which can affect their will be very difficult on all of you. the talk they need to have with their future relationships and how they see children about the upcoming separa- their world. For more suggestions on helping tion. They get freaked out that if they yourself and your kids, visit certified say the wrong words, their children will Books are a great tool to use when divorce coach Amy Botwinick, author of be set on the path to impending doom talking about divorce. Always read Congratulations on Your Divorce (HCI, and misery. It simply requires some each book from beginning to end to 2005): www.divorcecoachsupport.com common sense and plenty of love. make sure you are comfortable with the information. The most important thing you can do Related Article is to break the news with your spouse Here are some suggestions: How Do I Tell the Kids about the as a family without assigning blame. Divorce? Come from the heart with honesty and • Three to seven years old: It’s Not Using a storybook format to break assure them that their relationship with Your Fault, KoKo Bear By Vicky the news to your children in a lov- both parents will continue (if possible). Lansky, Book Peddlers ing way. Pick an appropriate time and place • School-age children: Dinosaurs www.divorcemag.com/articles/ they feel safe so there will be plenty Divorce: A Guide for Changing how-do-i-tell-the-kids-about-the- of time to answer their questions. Ask Families By Laurene Drasney divorce them about their fears and concerns and Brown and Marc Brown, Brown and

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 24 Relocation Co-Parenting

The challenge of co-parenting over long distances. By Dr. Edward Kruk

he question of relocation after a move will have on children, and on 17[2], June 2003). The students were parental divorce is diffi cult and their relationships with both parents. divided into two groups based on the T complex. However, parenting It is no surprise that research indicates moving history of their families: In plans that both accommodate paren- that children of divorce fare better if the first, neither parent moved more tal relocation, and maintain the same their parents remain in the same local than one hour away from the origi- proportion of responsibility exercised area. nal family home; while in the second, by each parent before and after reloca- one parent did move more than one tion, while extremely challenging, are Possible Consequences of hour away. Children’s psychological possible. Relocation on Children and emotional adjustment, health sta- tus, and other factors were measured. Equal or shared parenting can be Sanford Braver, Ira Ellman, and Results showed those whose parents made to work when parents live some William Fabricius studied 500 college had been separated by more than an distance apart, particularly with older students who grew up with divorced hour’s drive were “significantly disad- children. At the same time, in the parents (see “Relocation of Children vantaged,” scoring poorly on numer- interests of stability and continuity in After Divorce and Children’s Best ous measures, including hostility, children’s lives, relocation should be Interests: New Evidence and Legal distress over their parents’ divorce, undertaken only after careful consid- Considerations”, published in the and generally poor physical health and eration in regard to the impact such Journal of Family Psychology, Vol. life satisfaction.

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 25 In their article “Developmental during periods that children are sep- discussion about relocation. Primary Issues in Relocation Cases Involving arated from either of their parents – among these is the preservation of chil- Young Children: When, Whether, and although a disembodied voice over dren’s primary attachments to both par- How?” (Journal of Family Psychology, the phone, or an image on the screen ents, and bearing in mind that children Vol. 17[2], June 2003), Joan Kelly and is never a substitute for actual physi- have a different concept of distance to Michael Lamb conclude that reloca- cal contact. adults; what may seem manageable to tion stresses and often disrupts psy- • Co-parenting over long distances the parents may be experienced as an chologically important parent-child requires a good deal of creativity and infinite distance away by children. To relationships, and this in turn has flexibility, and parents in these cir- the degree that children’s meaningful adverse consequences for children. cumstances may particularly benefit relationships with both parents can be Younger children are particularly vul- from support services such as medi- accommodated after relocation – a key nerable to disruptions in attachment ation, parenting coordination, and factor in their post-divorce adjustment formation and consolidation, and are the development of parenting plans. and well-being – the decision to relo- therefore likely to suffer the most cate is made easier. when relocation occurs, with long-term What the Courts Say consequences. The likely effects of moving on the Courts have generally upheld the children’s social relationships must also Moving is ubiquitous in North ability of custodial parents to relocate, be considered. To the extent that relo- American society. Statistics indicate based on the assumption that “what is cation threatens children’s relationships that 16% of all Americans move during good for the custodial parent is good with a parent, and their existing social a year’s time, with 43% of them out- for the child.” The “distress argument” network, the potential adverse effects of side of their current metropolitan area. is often made that to deny a parent’s relocation should be at the forefront of Moving is most common among people application to relocate will cause such decision-making about the residential ages 20 to 34, the age group most likely psychological harm to the parent that it arrangements of children after divorce. to have young children. Thus, kids are will damage her or his ability to pro- The choice to have children necessar- even more likely to move than adults. vide care. Such a position overlooks the ily involves sacrifices, and one of those Moving with children is particularly fact the relocation will cause the non- sacrifices may come down to having to common after divorce. resident parent even greater distress, and prioritize a child’s needs to maintain importantly, threatens the child’s rela- a fulfilling relationship with both par- Useful Guidelines tionship with the non-relocating parent ents, over an often selfish desire to start and thereby the child’s well-being. afresh following divorce.  Kelly and Lamb provide some use- ful guidelines for maintaining chil- Court decisions are beginning to Edward Kruk, Ph.D., is Associate dren’s relationships with both parents if change, however, as studies demon- Professor of Social Work at the relocation is to occur: strate that children’s relationships with University of British Columbia, spe- • Divorced parents wishing to relocate both parents are best safeguarded by cializing in child and family policy. should consider waiting until their legislation that discourages child relo- As a child and family social worker in children are at least two or (even cation when both parents are actively Canada and the U.K., he has practiced better) three years old, because the involved in parenting after divorce. in the fields of welfare rights, child children are then better equipped New legislation in Wisconsin, for protection, school social work, hospi- with the cognitive and language example, requires a moving parent tal social work, and family services. skills necessary to maintain long- to prove that prohibiting the move www.EdwardKruk.com distance relationships. would be harmful to children’s best • As children grow older, their chang- interests. In contested cases a rebut- ing developmental needs must table presumption that children remain Related Article remain at the forefront of whatever in the community in which they have arrangements parents make to mod- become adjusted would safeguard chil- The Co-Parenting Relationship ify their schedules and to accommo- dren’s existing relationships and should Healthy co-parenting is a way to date co-parenting of their children be part of equal or shared parenting carry your children through the over long distances. legislation. crisis of divorce to a safe and • Parenting plans should also make happy future. explicit reference to the regular Prioritizing a Child’s Needs use of telephone calls, videotapes, www.divorcemag.com/articles/ email, and web cameras, in which Above all else, children’s best inter- the-co-parenting-relationship communication can take place ests should be the main concern in any

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 26 HOW CO-PARENTS CREATE LOYALTY CONFLICTS

Although there might be bumps along the road, most parents are able to put their children first and become successful co-parents post-divorce. Sometimes, however, one spouse can’t let go of the bitterness and anger caused by the failed marriage; consciously or unconsciously, the angry ex attempts to turn the children against the other parent. Here’s how to recognize and protect your child from these kinds of loyalty conflicts.

By Dr. Amy Baker and Paul Fine

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 27 f you’re co-parenting with an ex denigration, the rationale she gives for influence when asked, but anticipa- I who engages in behaviors that her anger may be out of proportion to tion that someone might assume such induce loyalty conflicts, your child the level of animosity she displays. Your an influence, spurring strenuous might become alienated and exhibit ex may have encouraged your child efforts to protect the favored parent the eight behaviors described in to pounce on your errors, and it’s as if from blame. Your child’s defense of this article. It’s important for you your child was waiting for something to your ex will be followed by rehearsed to develop a sense of the ways happen so that she could respond with complaints that justify his rejection in which your ex may be turning your full-scale rejection. of you. child against you, and the signs that your child is being affected. Some children will allege abuse as If your child is unduly influenced by their reason for not wanting to spend your ex, his ability to think for himself Signs that Your Child is Caught time with the other parent. Obviously, is being compromised. All decisions are up in a Loyalty Conflict an abuse claim is not in and of filtered through the needs and desires of itself a weak, frivolous, or absurd his other parent. Your child is actually Some children who are exposed to reason for rejection. However, in unnecessarily dependent on your ex, to behaviors that may induce loyalty con- some cases, a claim is proven to be the detriment of his ability to experi- flict can maintain a relationship with false, but the child continues to cite ence his own thoughts and feelings. both parents. Unfortunately, not all abuse as a reason for the animosity. children are resistant to parental pres- Regardless, child protection services 5. Absence of Guilt for sure. Some get caught up in the loyalty may prohibit contact between the Rejecting You: conflict and align themselves with one child and the alleged perpetrator while Your child may behave coldly towards parent, but this doesn’t happen over- the abuse claim is investigated, you, with no qualms about treating night. If you keep an eye out for these allowing the other parent unfettered you in this manner. Gratitude may be signs and behaviors, you can intervene access to the child. noticeably absent. Your authority as a while your child is only mildly alien- parent has been denied and erased, and ated, rather than refusing to interact 3. Hero Worship vs. Baseless your child has been encouraged to act with you. Contempt: as if your feelings don’t exist. However, Your child can simultaneously hold such behavior is a sign of a loyalty con- 1. A Campaign of Denigration: mixed feelings about her parents. flict only when it occurs in response An early sign that your child has been However, if your child is involved in to or in conjunction with exposure to affected by a loyalty conflict is that he a loyalty conflict, she may have selec- behaviors that may induce a loyalty becomes unreasonably negative toward tively lost this ability. All parents have conflict, and in the absence of a legiti- you. He behaves as if he’s entitled to potentially frustrating qualities, and mate reason. inform you of your shortcomings, and even the most accommodating parents he does so in a harsh manner. Your child must set limits that cause resentment. Absence of concern for other people will make statements that criticize you, If your child is involved in a loyalty is likely to interfere with your child’s rather than the things you do, and may conflict, however, she may demon- healthy development. A child who deny any past positive experiences with strate an idealized support for one par- does not experience empathy will be you. ent. Such hero worship, combined with unlikely to sustain meaningful, healthy baseless contempt for the other parent, relationships. A campaign of denigration also is unhealthy and unrealistic. includes your child’s willingness to 6. Reflexive Support for Your Ex broadcast his troubles with you. This Lack of ambivalence represents a in Parental Conflicts: unusual behavior runs counter to most distortion of reality that could eventu- It’s doubtful that a court-ordered par- children’s desire to keep family prob- ally interfere with your child’s ability to enting plan can cover every eventuality; lems private and can be damaging function in the real world. A child who there are always some gray areas. Toxic to your child’s character formation. assumes that anyone less than perfect co-parents seem to possess a particular Rather than being taught how to work should be rejected will grow up to have genius for focusing on those areas and through problems and accept imperfec- few friends and difficulty maintaining making a case for why they should have tions, she’s being taught that people are relationships. the children during those times. No expendable. matter what the disagreement is about, 4. The “Independent Thinker” children who are caught up in a loyalty 2. Weak, Frivolous, or Absurd Phenomenon: conflict will side with their favored par- Reasons for Rejecting You: The hallmark of this phenomenon is ent. The child “knows” that the favored If your child is on a campaign of not simply denial of the other parent’s parent is always right, and nothing the

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 28 accused parent could show him would co-parents allow negative perceptions your child’s alignment with your ex. It’s correct that misperception. expressed by their ex or their child important for you to protect your child to become self-fulfilling prophecies from the effects of a loyalty conflict and 7. Borrowed Scenarios: and unwittingly increase their child’s allow him to love and be loved by both If your child is caught up in a loyalty disappointment. parents.  conflict, she may start to make accusa- tions about you that use phrases bor- 3. Focusing on the Wrong This article has rowed from your ex. Your child’s words Thing: been adapted from and tone of voice may appear strikingly When faced with an accusatory child, Co-parenting with reminiscent of your ex. Your child may some parents rush to prove that the child a Toxic Ex (New make accusations that she can’t sup- is incorrect. It’s understandable to want Harbinger Publications, port, use words that she can’t define, to convince an emotional child that he 2014), by Amy J. L. or recall events (or versions of events) has nothing to be upset about. But pro- Baker and Paul R. Fine that never happened and that put you in viding proof of your innocence is usu- www.newharbinger.com a bad light. ally not sufficient, and refusal to accept the proof means that your child isn’t Amy J. L. Baker (Ph.D.) is a 8. Extension of Animosity to really upset about the facts. Children national expert on children caught in Your Friends and Family: in this situation typically respond to loyalty conflicts. She conducts train- If your child is experiencing a loyalty the way the parent behaves, not the ings for parents and legal and mental conflict, she may begin to resist spend- facts being presented. The alternative to health professionals, and has written ing time with you as well as your friends frantically explaining your innocence dozens of scholarly articles on parent- and family. Formerly beloved grandpar- is to address the feeling and the reason children relationships. Paul R. Fine is ents, aunts, and uncles may suddenly be behind the accusation. a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and avoided. Your child may deny ever hav- psychotherapist in practice at a com- ing been close or having fun with them 4. Blaming the Ex/Failure to munity mental-health center in north- and may also denigrate them with cruel Look at Oneself: ern New Jersey. nicknames or comments. Having learned about all the behav- iors that may induce a loyalty conflict, Related Articles Common Mistakes when you may incorrectly assume that every Co-parenting with an complaint is part of a master-plan to Protecting Children from Antagonistic Ex erase you from your child’s lfe. This is Conflict during Divorce counterproductive with respect to your Nine useful tips for reducing 1. Giving in to Anger: relationship with your child: it means the harmful effects of conflict It’s understandable that parents whose that you may ignore realistic and con- during and after divorce. efforts to communicate with their chil- structive criticism, and your child will www.divorcemag.com/articles/ dren are blocked would become frus- perceive you to care more about being protecting-children-from-conflict trated. Of course, the solution is not to right than about being an open and truly take your anger out on your child. While dedicated parent. It may seem challeng- Adult Children of Parental your child may act rude, disrespectful, ing to treat each criticism with an open Alienation Syndrome and hurtful, they are inwardly being mind – even when it comes from a child This article examines the torn apart. Responding with anger only who has been unfair to you or from an different strategies used by reinforces the negative messages your ex – but you need to avoid closing your- alienating parents. child is hearing about you and increases self to self-improvement for the sake of www.divorcemag.com/articles/ the likelihood that your child will side your child. adult-children-of-parental- with your ex. alienation-syndrome Protect Your Child from Loyalty 2. Giving in to Depression and Conflicts Successful Co-Parenting Defeat: Communication If you allow yourself to feel defeated Unfortunately, general co-parenting Normalize the co-parenting situ- and demoralized when your ex attempts advice will be insufficient if your ex is ation post-divorce by communi- to paint you in a negative light, you undermining you and interfering in your cating clearly with your children risk feeling sad and depressed even relationship with your child. Your pri- and ex-spouse. when spending time with your child. mary concern must be how to respond www.divorcemag.com/articles/co- Afterwards, you may experience feel- to your ex’s manipulation of your child parenting-communication ings of despair and regret. Some in a way that doesn’t further entrench

Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 29 More Helpful Information Available @ www.DivorceMagazine.com www.DivorceMagazine.com offers thousands of articles and FAQs answered by divorce pro- fessionals. Here’s a sample of some of the great content available to you 24/7.

FAQs about Divorce Divorce and Annulment Working with a Divorce www.divorcemag.com/faqs www.divorcemag.com/divorce-and- Lawyer annulment www.divorcemag.com/family-lawyers • FAQs answered by divorce lawyers, divorce fi nancial analysts, mediators, • 8 questions you need to ask • How to select a divorce lawyer accountants, etc. • What you need to know before creat- • How to get the best results working ing a settlement agreement with your lawyer Coping with Divorce • Cover your liabilities and assets www.divorcemag.com/coping-with-divorce Health & Well-being Financial Issues www.divorcemag.com/health-and-well- • Breaking free from guilt www.divorcemag.com/financial-issues being • From panic to peace • The four divorces • How much does a divorce cost? • Anger management • Debt and divorce • Beating stress Preparing for Divorce • Creating your new life www.divorcemag.com/preparing-for- Divorce Recovery divorce www.divorcemag.com/divorce-recovery Relationships and Dating www.divorcemag.com/relationships-and- • Top 10 tips to make it easier • The power of forgiveness dating • Create a separation agreement • Befriending your ex • The divorce process in detail • Moving through your anger • Dating after divorce • Making remarriage work Divorce and Family Law Child and Spousal Support • Inspirational quotes www.divorcemag.com/divorce-law-and- www.divorcemag.com/alimony-and-child- family-law support Divorce and Marriage Statistics • Common questions • Tips on custody disputes www.divorcemag.com/divorce-statistics • Grounds for divorce • Child support • The phases of a divorce trial • Do not compete with your ex • US, Canadian, and world divorce and marriage rates Child Custody Mediation www.divorcemag.com/child-custody www.divorcemag.com/divorce-and- For more information about children’s mediation issues during separation and divorce, • The 50/50 child access debate visit www.DivorceMag.com. • Preparing for a custody trial • Mediation vs trial • Shared custody: a growing trend • Preparing for mediation

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