Clarks & Stevens Divorce Guide
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GUIDE 843-842-3500 [email protected] www.clarkandstevens.com 60 Arrow Road, PO Box 7788 ATTORNEYS AT LAW Hilton Head Island, SC 29938 For most people, divorce is much more than a major legal process: it’s also a challenging time of transition that can negatively impact virtually every area of life: emotional, psychological, domestic, parental, financial, physical health, social, and vocational. This special Co-Parenting Divorce Guide contains hand-picked articles, book excerpts, advice, and more to help you recover from the inevitable stresses and pressures of divorce. And, just as importantly, the Guide empowers you to build a satisfying, strong relationship with your children and ex-spouse. contents 4 Tips for Successful Co-Parenting 19 Nine Strategies for Effective and Healthy As a co-parent, there are things you must do (even if Co-Parenting you don’t want to do them) in order to act in the best Follow these strategies and give your children the interest of your children. peaceful and loving environment they deserve. 6 The Co-Parenting Relationship 22 Talking to Your Child: Positive Comments Healthy co-parenting is a way to carry your children About her Other Parent through the crisis of divorce to a safe and happy future. Your child is listening. It is important that she hears you talk nicely about her other parent. 9 Making Co-Parenting Easier Ease the challenge of co-parenting with an ex-spouse by 23 Getting a Parental Grip planning ahead and seeking professional help if necessary. Many parents put themselves under a lot of pressure 10 Mom’s House, Dad’s House when they think about the talk they need to have with Here’s how to meet the challenges of setting up two their children. happy homes for your children. 25 Relocation and Co-Parenting 13 What to Include in Your Parenting Plan The challenge of co-parenting over long distances. A well-constructed and principled parenting plan can help you through tough times. 27 How Co-parents Create Loyalty Conflicts How to recognize and protect your child from loyalty 15 Conflict & Parenting conflicts created by an angry ex-spouse. Customize your post-separation parenting relationship. 30 More Helpful Information @ www.divorcemag.com 17 My Time vs. Your Time: Scheduling You may resist having to keep to a set co-parenting 31 Your Divorce Community schedule, but it is best to keep your schedule changes to a minimum. The articles in this Guide are provided for general information and may not apply to your unique situation. These articles do not take the place of a lawyer, accountant, financial plan- ner, therapist, etc.; since laws and procedures vary by region, for professional advice, you must seek counsel from the appropriate professional in your area. The views presented in the articles are the authors’ own and do not necessarily represent the views of this firm or of Divorce Marketing Group. This Guide is published by and Copyright © Divorce Marketing Group. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Any use of materials from this Guide – including reproduction, modification, or distribution – without prior written consent of Divorce Marketing Group is prohibited. Co-ParentingCo-Parenting Divorce GuideGuide | 3 Tips for Successful Co-Parenting As a co-parent, there are things you must do — but may not want to do — in order to act in the best interest of your children. Here are 15 tips to help you become a great co-parent. By Deesha Philyaw and Michael D. Thomas pass – is the key to your peace of mind of your kids. Usually, if you weigh the as a co-parent. pros (the kids get to go on a special trip) and the cons (they will be with him dur- 2. Be the “Bigger” Co-Parent ing my time), you’ll find that your flex- ibility is worth it because your kids are Even when you’re not swinging at worth it. everything your ex pitches, it’s still possible to get burned out from co-par- 5. Lose the Sense of enting, especially when your co-parent Entitlement isn’t pulling his weight. When that happens, your child needs you to be A common roadblock to cooperative the “bigger” co-parent – which means co-parenting occurs when one parent co-parent’s work is never done. doing the right thing for your child feels entitled to more parenting time Not only must you avoid the regardless of what your co-parent does than the other. The entitled parent con- minefi eld of negative behav- or doesn’t do. siders himself the real parent or the Aiors that can undermine your parenting better parent. He wants the other parent partnership, but it’s in your children’s 3. Take Responsibility to go away, or he tries to act as a gate- best interest for you to adopt civil and keeper to the child. You may believe conciliatory behaviors as well. The fol- When your children witness you at your ex’s infidelity or character flaws lowing action-oriented guidelines make a less-than-proud co-parenting moment render her undeserving of time and cooperative, kid-centered parenting (it happens to all co-parents), let them closeness with your child, but your across two households possible. also see you not blame the other parent child deserves and has a right to this for it. Instead, take full responsibility relationship. 1. Know Which Pitches for your actions. You can’t control other to Swing At people, but you can control yourself. 6. Enjoy Your Child-Free Time Don’t swing at everything that’s 4. Be Flexible Consider it a glass-half-full approach pitched. Disagreements, misunderstand- to co-parenting. Although you miss ings, and conflict are inevitable, even While children thrive on the consis- your child when she is with the other when both co-parents are committed tency and stability a schedule provides, parent, your co-parenting arrangement to being cooperative. Knowing which there are times when a little flexibility affords you child-free time that’s yours pitches to swing at – and which to let can go a long way in the best interest for the taking. Co-Parenting Divorce Guide | 4 Some co-parents struggle with deep expression, or other nonverbal clues the intense feelings and fallout many sadness when their children are with to soften words that might otherwise co-parents experience in the wake of a the other parent, even in the absence sound harsh. breakup. What helped us and other co- of safety concerns. They feel as if they parents get to a place where we could are missing out on parts of their chil- 10. See Your Ex through Your focus primarily on our children (and dren’s childhoods, or this aspect of their Child’s Eyes not each other) was a clear separation divorce is unfair. We encourage them to between our past marital relationship acknowledge and work through those If negative feelings about your and our current parenting partnership. feelings and also to see the situation child’s other parent just won’t subside, We consider our old relationship dead through their children’s eyes. try seeing him through your child’s and buried. When unresolved issues eyes. A child looks at a parent, warts from this relationship “rise from the 7. Respect Your Child’s and all, with love. You may no longer dead,” we think of them as zombies Relationship with the Other share these feelings, but the other par- that can terrorize our parenting partner- Parent ent remains central to your child’s life ship. That’s pretty dramatic imagery, and well-being. So when you interact but some co-parents have found it helps Regardless of what happened in with your ex, do so as you would with them envision what’s stopping them your marriage or since the breakup, any person who is important to your from moving forward as a team. One your child has a right to have a rela- child — with respect and civility. thing that can help keep the walking tionship with both parents if both are dead of your old relationship at bay is fit and willing – without microman- 11. Mind Your Business forgiveness. agement or interference from the other parent. Divorce brings a lot of change Anything that happens in your ex’s 15. Look to the Future and uncertainty for children, but hav- personal life or during his parenting ing a relationship with both parents is time that doesn’t harm your kids is no Your child won’t be a child forever. one thing they should be able to count longer your concern. If you do believe If you’re wrangling with the other par- on, enjoy, and not feel conflicted about. something is going on that is harmful or ent right now over issues related to your Try to be a gateway, not a gatekeeper. potentially harmful, communicate your child, these may no longer be issues concerns to your ex, acknowledging his when your young child becomes a teen 8. Encourage Your Child to right to privacy, right to discipline, and or when your teen becomes an adult. Respect the Other Parent right to make decisions regarding your But adulthood isn’t necessarily the end child’s welfare. If you share legal cus- of your connection to your ex, if you The best way to encourage your tody this also includes health, educa- factor in higher education, weddings, child to respect the other parent is to tion, and religion. and grandchildren. Will your pres- demonstrate that respect yourself. ent co-parenting conflicts even matter Respect does not equal agreement; 12.