t •• Violations Taint MSA Elections

BY MATTHEW S. SCHWARTZ elections. Had these violations been date, and thus issued no disqualifica­ Stewart was asked whether she thought AND R. COLIN PAINTER counted, the students say, at least one tions. the election board was fair in issuing elected Students' Party candidate The students reporting the viola­ her four demerits (one short of forcing F THE TRUTH IS THAT would have been disqualified from the tions claim that Stewart's actions should her out of her seat), she said that "I "I think they did an excellent job. ... I someone did something race. have garnered a total of six demerits, wrong, it's your job to report A great number of concerned can­ disqualifying her from the race. In an personally will say that the election it." So said Josh Trapani, an Indepen­ didates and independent observers for­ interview, Stewart defended her ac­ board did nothing wrong." dent candidate who won reelection to mally reported alleged violations to the tions, saying that as a freshman she is "Each incident was investigated by the Michigan Student Assembly in the election board viae-mail in the week new to the political arena and many of a member of the [election] board, with­ fall 1998 elections. Indeed, questions leading up to the election. These charges the rules were unclear to her, and that out exception, as soon as possible after have come to light concerning alleged were filed against Kym Stewart of the her great plans for MSA should have notice was received," said MSA Rules violations of the MSA Election Code by Students' Party and Jennifer been taken into consideration as the and Elections Chair Andrew Serowik certain candidates, as well as the slip­ VanRoeyen of the Defend Affirmative election board reviewed her violations. in an e-mail. "The standard set by the shod maImer in which the MSA elec­ Action Party. Charges were also filed Later, however, she reversed herself, election board was to assign demerits tion board may have handled these against the Students' Party itself. saying that "ignorance was not an ex­ only in cases where an election board allegations. The candidates in question alleg­ cuse at all; first year there is no trial member observed the violation them­ Many students recently inundated edly violated sections 41.551, 41.561, period, you know?" selves, or [where] substantial proof of a the Michigan Review's e-mail inbox with and 41.66 of the Code (see sidebar, page She went on to say that "[I] would violation existed." Regarding the spe­ allegations that the election board (the 5). The Code deems that each of these never do anything out of malice, and cific violations in question, members of group designated to deal with candi­ violations earns a candidate one "de­ once everything was brought to my the election board said that there was date violations and levy penalties) failed merit." After five demerits, a candidate attention, it was rectified immediately." no proof that the violations had actu­ to appropriately reprimand some can­ is disqualified. The final list of demerits But she later admitted that it took her ally occurred. didates who violated sections of the shows that the election board issued no several days to find many of the offend­ Election Code during the fall 1998 MSA more than four demerits to any candi- ing posters and rectify her errors. When See MSA on page 5 ... ,. ~ ..... Mumia: Martyr or Murderer?

BY JACOB OSUCK nesses and in­ vania Supreme our place to inform students about the fantile suppo­ Court rejected Mr. facts of the case, irrespective of Free "MUMIA WAS FRAMED sition. Fre­ Jamal's appeal for Mumia's misleading propaganda. As for the righteous 1981 kill- quently, as the a new trial. Al­ sources,] researched the case with the ing of a Philly cop en­ above quote though Mr. Jamal aid of fully-sourced information pro­ gaged in an act of police brutality. Some­ demonstrates, still has the fed­ vided by the Philadelphia-based group, one else killed the cop, but the Amerikan they lace their eral avenue to Justice For Daniel Faulkner. In system of injustice backed up by the support for pursue, this deci­ fairness, through a taped interview, I fascist anti-crime fever among the white Mr. Jamal sion places him also solicited the views of local Free petit-bourgeoisie and labor aristocracy with a virulent one step close to Mumia leader Micah Holmquist, and demands that someone die for the kill­ anti-Ameri­ an appointment read through the literature of numer­ ing of a pig. II canism, ex­ with the Grim ous Free Mumia groups around the -MIM Notes, December 1, 1998; em­ treme even by Reaper. On the country, induding a letter written to phasis added the standards heels of this deci­ the New York Times by Mr. Jamal's cur­ of Fidel sion, Mr. Jamal's rent attorney, Leonard Wineglass. Throughout the history of the Castro. Fortu­ supporters re-en­ ,From all this research, a common Mumia Abu Jamlil case, the prosecu­ nately, the le­ ergized, including defense theory emerges. Summarized, tion has presented a concrete, consis­ gal system has the re-founding of it states a "running man" shot Officer tent case that Mr. Jamal killed Philadel­ not heeded a Free Mumia Faulkner, while Faulkner beat Mr. phia Police Officer Daniel Faulkner on their ridicu­ group here on the Jamal's brother, William Cook. How­ December 9th, 1981. In response, Mr. lous pleas. On U-M campus. AJ:, ever, upon learning that Mr. Jamal, an Jamal's supporters propagate a hokey October 30th, such, we at the Re­ ~ MUMIA on page 13 theory backed, up by incredulous wit- the Pennsyl- view consider it .. Serpent's From Review New Living 2 Tooth 4 Suite One 6 Columnists' 8 & Views 13 Culture We once again skewer an­ We offer our opinions on c. J. Carnacchio offers his A chance encounter with We critique The Prince of other herd of sacred cows. MSA election violations and New Year's Resolutions, and Bollinger, thoughts on dorm Egypt, glam-rock, and the the proposed U-M tobacco _ Lee Bockhom highlights the life, the Euro, Ann Arbor Tragically Hip. stock divestment. Worst of Winter 1999 courses. pizza, and more.

~ - - --= - -- -. - -"'------... - . ::::._.. _ ... _,::~: : _= -:- n: .... ,. . -:-::-- :~~.==' =-'~~~._" ... :-::::::-:-.::.::"':'::" ,___ _ ,.. .:.. ____. .~ ...::.'~ ...': ..::~ ,.. ._= .~~::::.~...... :~,_~:,;;,;;;;:;;;;;- ::...;;; ' :~;.;:;....;.....:;;;;.;._...;;;;;...... :;;.;;.;...:;...... ; ___ 2 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW January 20,1999

Till': 1\11< ' 111(; .\:-; RE\' IE\\"

. The Campus Affairs Journal of the o SERPENT'S TOOT-ij University of Michigan "AI Gore in '99!"

EDITORIAL BOARD

After being rejected from the Univer­ cheap pop. Of course, the Review staff his president, Bob Dole: First Lady EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Lee Bockhom PUBLISHER: Sang Lee sity, Dan Granger recently announced has to buy $1.25 sodas at the League gift Viagra, vote Bob" EXECUTIVE EDITOR: C. J. Camacchio that he is now applying to Brigham shop. Just another example of the Ad­ CAMPUS AFFAIRS EDITOR: Matthew Schwartz Young. The only problem with his ap­ ministration keeping us down. Question: why don't fraternities shovel NATIONAL AFFAIRS EDITOR: Jacob Oslick plication is that he thought the college their sidewalks? Answer: All those ARTS EDITOR: Julie Jeschke ONLINE EDITOR: Ben Rousch was called "Bring 'em Young." young strong men aren't lazy, they're Recently Planned Parenthood con­ waiting for sorority girls to get stuck EPITORIAL STAFF demned a rising tide of violence at abor­ and ask them for help. "Oh.. Bobby my MUSIC EDITOR: Chris Hayes Currently, the Supreme Court is hear­ tion clinics. We here at the Review are in feet are cold, can I come in and warm CONTRIBUTING EDITOR: Matthew Buckley ing the case of a fifth grader suing her total agreement, and we condemn all up?" ILLUSTRATOR: Astrid Phillips school for failing to protect her against violence at abortion clinics, especially sexual harassment. Surprisingly, Dan the violeI)ce that goes on inside every­ STAFF WRITERS: Michael Austin, John Bach, Josh Granger is not involved. day. In light of the Daily's recent criticism of Benninghoff, Hal Borkow, Dror Baron, Brian Cook, Jay Figurski, Andrew Golding, David Guipe, John Jernstad, the pro-life movement as trivializing Ryan Painter, Amol Parulekar the Holocaust, we find it interesting ' Interestingly, one of the allegations has It now appears that the Review is en­ that they have ignored similar offenses BUSINESS STAFF: Dror Baron already been shown false. Specifically, gaged in a full scale war with Daily from the Left. For example, Uzi EDITORS EMERm Benjamin Kepple the girl claims that a classmate grabbed columnist James Miller. Most recently, Benziman, a columnist for HaAretz, Geoff Brown her breasts. Later, tl.is was shown to be Miller obliquely referred to the Review Israel's leading newspaper, recently The Michigan Review is the independent, student-run impossible, since the girl had no breasts. in his column by stating the following: used his column to refer to the govern­ journal of conservative and libertarian opinion at the Uni­ "It's rather like when wimpy, bawling, ing Likud party as "a member of the versity of Michigan. We neither solicit nor accept monetary little monkey boys latch onto conserva­ family of fascist parties, as we have donations from the U~ , Contributions to the Michigan With the explosion of acronym-based tism and libertarian journalism to an come to understand that term in the Review are tax-deductible under Section 501 (c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code, The Review is not affiliated with organization, Serpent's Tooth would alarming lack of secondary sex charac­ 20th century." Hmmrn... a liberal com­ any political party or university political group. like to give our impressions of what teristics and the inability to get two pares Jewish conservatives to the likes these organizations actually stand for dates in a row or get anyone to read of Mussolini and Hitler, yet no pro­ Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the editorial their little snot-covered tabloid." It ap­ tests. Hypocrisy!!! board. Ergo, they are unequivocally correct and just. •• ' I Signed articles, letters, and cartoons represent the opin· J'. 'pp- NeD-Fascist Party pears James has been hanging out with ." ions of the author and not necessarily those of the Review. SA PAC-Sociopaths Advocating Penile other Da.ily staffers too long, as he now New Year's Predictions: The Serpent's Tooth shall represent the opinion of indi­ Agonizing Castration vidual anonymous contributors to the Review, and should appears unable to f!ven form a coherent not necessarily be taken as representative of the Reviews AAAJ- Academics Arguing for Archaic sentence. It's called a comma, James­ 1. Lee "Mop-head" Bollinger will flex Socialist Junk editorial stance. The opinions presented in this publication try using it sometime. By the way, this his mighty muscles and physically are not necessarily those of the advertisers or of the DAAP- Defending Apartheid Admis­ dig at the Review was in no way con­ move the Fleming Administration University 01 Michigan, We welcome letters, articleS, and sions Policies comments about the journal. nected to Miller's thesis about the Irish Building to the center of the Diag. He DPS- Department of Persecuting Sa­ becoming trendy in Hollywood. As if will rename the building "The Jessica dists this isn't bad enough, Maureen Dowd Curtin Social Justice Cube," in honor of The Michigan Reviewis proud to announce that it win soon UROP- Useless Researchers on Pot of the New York Times wrote a suspi­ the newly imprisoned activist. be purchasing new computing equipment. Finally, we IFC- Inebriated Fratboy Council ciously similar column this past sum­ won't have to do layout on these lriggin' ancient Mac Les CR- Croquet and Racquetball anymorel Seeing what we've been able to accomplish with mer. Come on James, we expect this 2. Prince William will be caught with LGBT- Lovable Gay Butt Tuggers this computing handicap, there's no teUing how much kind of hack-work out of Schillaci, but his pants down in the company of Scary havoc we'll wreak on campus with computers that actually BAMN- Bigoted Arrogant Marxist you used to write original stuff. Spice, thus sparking an English Civil possess more memory than a hand-held calculatort Nimrods War, which will conclude with Michael SP- Stupid People (sometimes under­ Flatly being crowned the new King of statement is the way to go) England. Please address all advertiSing and subscription inquiries As the annual MLK day passed, we to: Publisher c/o the Michigan Review. AAPD- Authoritarians Against People were treated to another useless rally in Drinking Editorial And Business OffIces: favor of racial preferences. Whatever 3. Saddam will develop prostate can­ ROTC- Rightists with Over Tight 911 N. University Avenue, Suite One happened to celebrating a man who cer, probably as a result of smuggling Ann Arbor, MI 481~1265 Codpieces declared that people be "judged not by too much uranium in little plastic EMAIL: mrevOumlch.edu UHS- U Have a "Sickness" URL: http://www.umich.edu/~mrev/ the color of their skin, but by the con­ baggies down his pants when U.N. Tel. (734) 647-8438 Fax (734) 936-2505 RC- Rejected from College tent of their character"? weapons inspectors arrive. NWROC- National Whining Rejected ~ 0 1999, by The IIIchIgIn RwIIw, Inc. AlrIghta~ Ogres for Communism 4. The U-"M's computer system will suf­ CCRB- Credence Clearwater Revival The IIkII/gIIn RavIew Is • membIt of the CoIegIIte NtIwOrk. Several hundred faculty members re­ fer from Year 2000 problems and issue Building . cently signed a petition supporting af­ Honorary Degrees to Stan, Kyle, MSA- Maoist Supremacist Assembly firmative action ... it figures they would Cartman, and Kenny. PCC- Politically Correct Communists support a system that is not based on Of course, the is not immune to Review merit, since they've been supporting Love us or hate us, this phenomenon. Our MR, appearing This box was put here tenure for years ... \vrite us. at the end of every column obviously because we ran out of denotes the patriarchal nature of this funny ideas to print. So, The Michigan Review news source. With Liz Dole entering the presidential just sit back and reflect Letters to the Editor race, her husband, former GOP nomi­ upon what you have just 911 N. University Ave. nee Bob Dole was quoted as saying read and Suite One Word has it the Daily staff has access to "Bob Dole would make a damn fine Ann Arbor, MI 48109 a $.45 soda machine in the Students' contemplate your exist­ first lady, Bob Dole looks sexy in a Publication Building. Serpents" Tooth or email with subject "Letters to dress, Bob Dole knows how to satisfy ence in the world. hereby demands a mad rush to the the Editor": [email protected]

--..... ~-.---. ..., ... --... -- .. - . --~- January 20, 1999 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW 3 o LEITERS To THE EDITOR Review a "B~acon of Intelligence" Ar . ' :Jt

DEAR MICHIGAN REVIEW STAFF, women is a problem but not all men, in irrational. They base their arguments gion, and not the clowns in SAP AC. fact very few men, are culpable and we on subjective whim, and lack a coher­ I just want to thank you for being should therefore not be villainized or ent philosophy. While it is true that Scott Behnan the only paper I have found thus far as feared. As for the elections, what do SAP AC members are the most vocal of LSA Freshman a freshman in the College of LS&A to you expect? I haven't heard one person the female population, it is also true provide intelligent and clever analysis yet say "Hey, maybe responsibility, that another female voice exists, one Daily Parody "Highly of, and commentary on, the U of M. I pride, independence, and individual that can be found in religion. Many have read every, one of your papers rights are important!" I have heard only women are rational conservatives, but Amusing" front and back and cannot say that I can "That isn't fair, how can the people I they exist in churches, synagogues, and think of anything Idisliked profoundly. publici ethnicity I race I gender I be ex­ temples. Take Roman Catholicism for TO THE EDITOR: Naturally, I disagree on some points, pected to do that?" Thanks once again example. Women, especially Irish but overall, the Michigan Reviw is the and keep up the good work. women in the early twentieth century, Thank you for the highly amusing only beacon of intelligen.ce at the U of are responsible for the development of parody of the drivel that Michigan Daily M when it comes to politics, society, Geoffrey T. Stanton the Catholic Church in America. Un­ columnists put out every day ("How

philosophy, or ideas in generaL LS&A Freshman like the explosive SAP AC women, these To Bea Daily Columnist, II Dec. 9, 1998). One of my favorite articles is Jacob women value courage, morality, disci­ Ihad to plow throughthatstuffwaytoo Oslick's attack on SAPAC ("SAPAC: Reader "Sick and pline, and the family structure, some­ many times aweek when I was in schooL Sex, Lies, and Statistics," Oct. 28, 1998). thing devoid in America today. Not Thanks for the laugh. Keep up the good Since its first appearance, I have read Tired" of SAPAC only do these conservative women lead work. the letters to the editor that followed the American family, but they have and must say that they have failed to I AM SICK AND TIRED OF READING opened the doors for women in fields Oliver Freeman address what I feel to be the most im­ the nonsensical letters in which women such as medicine, law, business, and University Alumnus portant aspect of the article: the turning of the SAPAC ilk are whining about the politics. They have earned respect and of an unfortunate fact into a political Review's "sexist" staff and bragging are still progressing in these fields be­ Fire otI ,\ kIln to lilt' editor: tool for a certain group's interest - about their victory at the staff meeting. cause of their dedication to truth and specifically, the turning of all men into Sadly, these women actually think that hard work, not from screaming on the [email protected] predators and rapists by paranoid, they represent the female population at Diag. The next time women make an­ afraid, and insecure ultra-feminists, U of M. Instead, they are noxious to this other advance in society (which they P1easl' induck \,our nam(' What I think Oslick was trying to say, environment. Members of SAP AC por­ will), we should credit the rational, . dnd U-iVI atlili~lti()n. and what I agree with, is that abuse of tray women as rude, boisterous, and proud, and courageous women in r~:Jj,;. ~

'. Participate in the 1999 Michigan Review Readership Survey. E-mail [email protected] and tell us: RUSH 1.Who you are: student, faculty, gender, major etc.,' QF~; 2.What you read in the Review: campus news, politics, humor, arts, sports, etc.' \::I h d 3. What your favorite part of the Review is; 4. What we should change or add. THETA XI BUSY SOCIAL CALENDER The Michigan Review: A Journal of DATE PARTIES Neglected ideas ETHERNET INSTALLED 1N EVERY ROOM

CO:MPETITIVE INTRAMURAL SPORTS

BROTHERHOOD EVENTS Look for the next exciting, action­ ROAD TRIPS TO OTHER CAMPUSES packed issue of the Michigan Review SCHOLARSHlP FILES on stands February 10,' 1999. 1345 W ASHTENAW It's Kung-Fu for the mind. THE HOUSE WITH THE WHITE P.IT.LARS IN FRONT Whatever that means. JANUARY 24th-28th, 6-10 PM

--~"-,-,, . ; ,- --=:-;-,-.: , - '--;:-,- "'_" " _" " __" ~T ::: -:; ·,~; :~:--:'":-~::: ,~ ::~ ~-~., ,,~::::::,;::~.:::::::::--~~-=~;:=':;,:,"w~~ _I'" .:::-,- .. -- ':--. - -_.. ~ -- ,~,- ... -.----.- , 4 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW January 20, 1999 o FROM SUITE ONE .~; . ~ 'I' %V,.~ MSA:Overhaul --~\'~t.b ~(§#~ N'C.OTlN~ Election Code ~TCH:

ECENT IRREGULARITIES UNCOVERED BY THE REVIEW INDICATE the stupendous inability of MSA to police its election campaigns. Certain R candidates made a mockery of the election rules, committing serious violations without faCing appropriate sanctions. These violations demonstrate the need for MSA to refonn its Election Code for prospective candidates. Specifically, MSA needs to address the following issues: 1. Multiple offenses generate only a single demerit. Essentially, the election board displayed remarkable leniency to candidates or parties who committed the same violation numerous times. Specifically, as currently enforced, a candidate receives the same number of demerits irrespective as to whether he committed the offense once, or hundreds of times. The DAAP used this loophole with maximum efficiency, placing perhaps thousands of illegal posters around campus, yet receiving only a single demerit for one member of the party. As such, they managed to effectively promote their party, at the expense of candidates who diligently observed the aSSigned rules. 2. Virtually all offenses, no matter the spirit or malice involved, earn only a single demerit. However, an obvious disparity exists between offenses designed to prevent defacement of University property (such as no posting on paint), and violations committed to spite or disrespect one's opponents, such as defacing Keep Tobacco Stocks or covering another candidate's posters. Such violations, considering the climate in which they must be committed, deserve an assignment of at least N TUESDAY, JANUARY 12TH, THE MICHIGAN STUDENT three demerits, in the opinion of the Review. O Assembly (MSA) passed a r~soluuon favoring divestment of University I. A severe time lag exists between reporting and notification on the status of funds from tobacco stocks. Accordingly, MSA will recommend that the Board of reported violations. Certain violations were reported which the election board Regents create a committee on tobacco divestment to build consensus on the issue insists it could 110t find. Apparently, one poster in question seemed to have a between faculty and students. Currently, the University has approximately one cloaking device, possibly of Romulan origin, activated whenever an election percent of its total $2.5 billion stock portfolio invested in various tobacco companies board member approached to investigate. Yet, rather than notify the recorder such as Philip Morris. of the violation immediately, to pennit him/ her to photograph or otherwise MSA's decision and, indeed, the whole debate surrounding the University's physically document the allegation, they instead waited days before responding tobacco holdings exemplifies another case of political correctness in action and - if they responded at all, by which time the violation had been corrected. This health fascism run amok. Those members of the University who are lobbying pennitted election violators a leeway of several days' worth of illegal publicity for divestment are simply do-gooding liberals who wish to hop on the nation's to correct their "mistakes." Yet, instead of simply requesting the observer's anti-smoking bandwagon. assistance immediately to find the violation, the election board had the gall to Many of those in favor of divestment compare the University's tobacco insinuate, without proof, that multiple observers were lying. holdings to those investments it made in companies which did business with 4. It appears the willingness of election board members to record violations can . the apartheid South African government of the 1980s. Back then the University be graphed as an inverse function of the number of violations earned by a chose to divest itself of those holdings on the grounds that they were morally candidate. Thus, although board members seemed perfectly willing to give the and politically reprehensible. Of course, comparing the tobacco industry to the first or second demerit, they expressed severe reluctance on granting the fifth, racist South African government of the 1980s is absolute nonsense. final, and disqualifying demerit. In the opinion of the Review, a violation is a Tobacco is a legal substance and the tobacco industry is a legitimate violation is a violation. To have a degrading scale of enforcement invites business that employs millions of hard-working Americans. There is nothing corruption and utter disrespect for the rules other candidates must follow. inherently evil about tobacco use or the companies which deal in the tobacco Under such a system, as we ask in our front-page story, "ls a fair election trade. Those who use tobacco products are not immoral nor are they victims, possible?" they are Americans exercising their freedom of choice. Tobacco companies are Of course, we recognize the possi\:>ilities for fraud and for framing opposing simply participants in the free market system who provide a supply of goods candidates by falsely reporting allegations. However, the best way to correct such which meet a demand. shenanigans is to demand that the election board investigate alleged violations The University should direct its investment portfolio accordmg to economic promptly, and notify observers of violations immediately if more proof is required. motives, not politically correct dogma. If the tobacco stocks get eliminated, In an election campaign that lasts a week, a few days' delay is unacceptable. It what's next? Should the University not invest in the beef industry because it should be noted that, had the election board properly enforced reported violations, violates animals' rights, or because red meat is allegedly bad for the heart? SP Candidate Kym Stewart would have been disqualified, and DAAP Candidate Should the University not invest in the alcohol industry because some people Courtney Rae Raw ls would have won the seat instead. This modification would become alcoholics? Perhaps the University should not invest in the automobile have altered the partisian balance ofMSA, giving the DAAP a plurality over the SP industry because cars pollute our precious mother Earth and Al Gore thinks in the recent elections. Interestingly, two members of the election board responsible they're bad. fo r in vestigating alleged violations were members of the SP, but none came from If certain members of the University community cannot sleep at night the DAAP. Although we deplore the agenda of the DAAP, we CaJU10t endorse kncnving that the University is making money off that pack of Marlboros Joe electoral incompetence or malevolence to their detriment. Six-Pack just bought at the local Quickie Mart, we suggest they worry about Ch·er,11I, it is app,nent th at 1\ 15/\'5 current ejection code needs major revision. more pressing campus issues. Perhaps they should examine real moral ExpecLlti()nS tor all parties involved need to be clarified. Hopefully, MSA \vill a.ct dilemm,\S , such as using a form c f racial discrimination in the admissions upon ,lU I" p.'cornmel1datlOns expeditiously and judiciously; if so, perhaps y\'e em process. After "tl, th e Univ er~ity; s admissions process has more in common a\·oid i1 !"epeat of the fiasco of Fa II 1998. l'vR w ith apartheid in South Africa than it doe:; with the tobacco industry. l'vR

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gations 1may not have been completely had substantial proof that there was a ••••••••••••••••• •••••••• MSA good-faith allegations against [Stewart.1 violation," he said. • Violations m'Li' • '. Continued from page 1 • ... I mean we did investigate all of them In certain instances, observers re­ • For .instance, two candidates and and we did look for [the"lneged viola:' ported violations to the election board, Question:"'~" ,:~:.; = '" - -": . an independent observer each individu­ tions], but we never fdundjnything." but by the time,members of the board • • ally e-mailed the election board on Nov. After claiming that th~ ' poster was arrived at the site in question, the post­ • 41.551: ", .. Campaign mIlten- : 16 and 17 to report Stewart's violation not there, Hovan's Nov. 18 letter to ers in violation had been removed. "The of section 41.561 of the Code. They al­ Oslick then cautioned that "falselyre­ problem," said Keslacy, "liesin the time­ : als ... must be identified w#h the : leged that she had placed a poster on a porting campaign offenses is also liness of [the election board's] re­ : name and address of thetandi"i:: painted lamppost next to the Harlan against the rules, subject to three de­ sponSe." • date, party, ~late, orstudentor~ : · Hatcher Graduate Library. Each per­ merits." Did the election board believe In one instance, two observers wit­ .. . . ,,' " .. ." . ' .. • ganizatioJi,"9Sijlg·t~follimJing . son filing a report included a descrip- that those reporting the violations were nessed multiple violations of sections 41.551 and 41.561 by Jennifer : ~tateml!tzt(~Pdidfor: ': by(11a1p~ ; VanRoeyen of the Defend Affirmative : and address of candidate;:.piirty,! "You look at the fifth demerit with much Action Party. They separately e-mailed .s• 1 ate, or orgamzatton. . ) ,+i'/' "~ .. fl'.. .' , .,.• the election board informing them of . ~ more sc~tiny. Everybody's reluctant to the violations - all of them on North · ~ :- . Campus - which included multiple : 41.561: " ... No campaign mate- : disqualify peop Ie." - Joe Bernstein posters on glass in the EECS Atrium; • rinlsshall be affixed toany glass · multiple signs on painted walls in a ·• or painted surface in or on any...... stairway and at the west entrance of the : University building, except, in : tion of where the violation was located, lying? "I really don't know," said Dow building; and no inclusion of the some very detailed: Jacob Oslick of the Serowik. "Whether I did or not is really required "paid for by" information. : designated posting areas: ,~r; ' '':,: New Frontier Party wrote that "the not relevant." VanRoeyen denied most of the al­ : .. - ;;i! lamppost can be found near the Grad One confusing aspect of the Elec­ legations, and claimed that only two of : 41.66: "", No student shall de~ .: Library, just outside of the Diag area, tion Code is the vague way in which her posters lacked the "paid for by" : stroy, deface, remove, alter,': on the side of the sidewalk bordered by demerits are distributed. For example, information. "1 never did anything ille­ • move, or obsclLre leually posted '. grass (opposite the side of the sidewalk if the election board finds several of­ gal, intentionally," she said, although • 0'. bordered by the Grad Library)"; an­ fending posters near one another, they she admitted that "it's possible" she • campaign materials without the. • other candidate wrote that the lamp­ generally consider it to be one offense, might have inadvertently broken the : permission oft1ze person(~>,post-, : post was located" on the southeast side said MSA representative Sumeet rules. comer of the Diag," Kamik. Michael Austin, a New Frontier ~ing the IIUlt~. ":'\~ ' iii i i'i" ~ [Note: Jacob Oslick, currently the Stewart agreed with this logic, Party candidate, said that VanRoeyen' s

national affairs editor of the Review, claiming that being punished for all of posters were "clearly in violation but •. '.,(Source: J . ' !MSACompiled.. '. ' .• . " " .' ..... Code. .. . 1 r'·• resigned from, and no longer main­ her mistakes "would just be ludicrous, stayed up less than a day, and thus ' • , ·Chap ter'~l:ElectionCode) ',. ' . '.' .. ,...... tains any official ties with, the New because if I had ten [illegal1 posters up were not counted." .. . .:...... : . ... .' . .. .. ,:...... Frontier Party,] . ". ·j "•• ' •••' i [in the same place] then I'm automati­ [Note: Michael. Austin is . a staff .iI).'.•.• ...... Fall 1998 Election Director Alex cally out for one mistake." When asked writer for the Review.1 According to Serowik, it was in­ Hovan responded to Oslick via e-mail whether she committed all of the al­ "If somebody puts up posters ille­ convenient for members of the election on Nov. 18, a full ·two days after the leged offenses, she took full responsi­ gally and then realizes they are illegal board to travel to North Campus, be­ violation was first reported, stating that bility for them; however, she defended and takes them down before we see cause "with the people that we had," he "[11 searched for, but did not find, the her actions by saying they were all re­ them, we can't give them demerits with­ said, "none of them really had very Kym Stewart poster on the light post lated crimes and should be counted out some kind of reasonable proof [that regular classes on North Campus." He near Rackham [of] which I had received together instead of separately. "1' m sure they were there]," Serowik said. He then added, "but that's not a reason not several complaints." However, had [the students who reported the viola­ went on to suggest that if candidates to check them." When asked if every Hovan or any other member of the tions] just probably made multiple re­ feared that violations they had observed reported North Campus violation was election board responded sooner, the ports because ... they saw multiple would be corrected before the election checked within a couple of hours, observers say they would have had the things, even though it was the same board could verify them, "and they Serowik maintained that "that's prob- opportunity to physically show Hovan thing." really felt that this person should be ably true." . exactly where the violation was taking' But what happens if many differ­ place. ent observers spot the same types of Art and Architecture junior Eliza­ violations by one candidate in sev,eral "People like Kim Stewart, Jen VanRoeyen, beth. Keslacy thinks that Hovan was different places around campus? Ac­ merely unable to find the poster in ques­ cording to Serowik, the fact that they and the entire DAAP violated the hell out of tion. "The elections people supposedly were the same type of violation was the election rules." - Anonymous MSA Rep. checked on it, but said they could not taken into consideration when demer­ find it," she said: "New Frontier Party its were issued. "Our general rule was candidates [subsequently1 found it, still to give a demerit per offense," Serowik given demerits," they should do some­ Some candidates feel that the elec­ in its original position on the lamp­ explained. "If those flyers that were thing to prove the violation. "Bring an tion board becomes more reluctant to post." Of COUTse, as indicated above, still up constituted the same [type of] election board member directly there, issue demerits as a candidate ap­ the offending poster was not located offense, then we would generally take take a photograph, I mean whatever it proaches disqualification. Was theelec­ near Rackham at all, but rather outside that into consideration and not neces­ takes," he said. Of course, as noted tion board reluctant to give that fifth of the Harlan Hatcher Graduate U­ sarily give more demerits" as long as earler, the election board did not re­ demerit? "I wouldn't say that that's brary. the candidates.seemed to be making a spond to candidates about their inabil­ necessarily true," said Serowik. '~We Serowik recalled that the poster in good-faith effort to correct the viola­ ity to find the alleged violations until didn't disqualify anyone in this elec­ question was indeed alleged to have tions. days later, if at all. . Thus, observers had tion, [but] there were people who were been located near the Graduate Library. Serowik agreed that it was not fair no way of knowing their reports went disqualified in the last election. ... We And "eventually we looked there," he for some candidates to violate the rules unrecorded. would obviously not like to see people said. However, he continued, "there and not receive demerits while others As the controversy over diSqualified, but we have no problem was nothing there, and ... the number of ran a fair campaign all along. However, VanRoeyen' s violations shows, another doing it if they have violated the rules." e-mails we were receiving, especially the system is set up so that someone on problem the election board faces is Joe Bernstein, MSA Communica­ about Kym [Stewart1, was getting to be the election board must see the viola­ making timely evaluations of alleged tions Chair and former election board a little bit obscene." Asked to clarify tion in question in order to punish can­ violations in remote locations such as member, believes otherwise. "You look what he meant by "obscene," Serowik didates. "The only kind of violations North Campus. Austin felt that the elec­ at the fifth demerit with much more tion board "seemed reluctant to go all explained that "we were starting to get that we could really give out demerits See MSA on page 15 the impression that some of these [alle- for were ones that we actually [saw) or the way up to North Campus."

_ _ _ _ • _ __• _ _ • • v ••• ______.~ .._ _ ._ - - --:..:.-_ - -_ - - .-. ""H· ~ ______~ __ . . ~.. _~.,, ~ . ·,... ~'"" __• .,~ __. •M_. ' ~ '''_" ~_ .. ,,..,.,._ .. _''' ...... ~_ ...... ~. . _.~ , __~. "~"' ~ ____._ .. ______~ ______6 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW January 20, 1999 o SEND LAWYERS,GUNS & MONEY New Year-':~ Resolutions

HE FOLLOWING IS A hero, Donna Reed. Knitting is more fun is about to become a human voltage Tios Mexican Restaurant: We re­ collection of New Year's reso­ than protesting. tester for the state of Pennsylvania. By solve to continue using only the high­ T lutions I have written fer vari­ the way, how do you like your Black est grade dog food in our cuisine. We ous individuals and organizations Queen Maureen Hartford: I resolve Panther? Regular or extra-crispy? also resolve to continue to let radical, within the University of Michigan and to continue to persecute, I mean, pros­ lunatic feminist organizations dictate around the Ann Arbor area. Check to ecute all Code violators to the fullest Defend Affirmative Action Party our advertising policies. see if you have been denounced. Enjoy! extent of my illegitimate power. I re­ (DAAP): We resolve to absorb MSA solve to amend the Code to include the into the BAMN collective. Resistance is Jack "The Hack" Schillaci: I re­ Frat Boys: right of the University to employ the futile! We resolve to have MSA focus solve to never again copy one of my We resolve to be torture tactics of the Spanish Inquistion on such issues as affirmative action, columns from a major magazine like more sensitive when trying a student. I also resolve to affirmative action, and not to mention George. I further resolve to give up my to our female finally admit that I am Heinrich affirmative action, column and start writing novels. I have school chums. Himmler in drag. this great idea about a one-legged whal­ (read: Dude, North Campus Engineers: We re­ ing captain who spends his life seeking chicks eat that Michigan Student Assembly: We solve to build a life-size, working rep­ vengeance on a great white whale. I got sensitivity crap resolve to continue our great tradition lica of the space station from Star Trek: the idea from this book I read ... up like a bulemic of incompetence, betrayal, and politi­ Deep Space Nine and transport North at a buffet! We'll cal prostitution. We resolve to continue Campus into outerspace. Once there, James "Miller on Crap" Miller: I score for sure!) c.}. to make MSA the best line on our re­ we will make William Shatner our king. resolve to stop having masturbation We resolve to Camacchio sumes. Live long and prosper. fantasies about having a threesome with limit our alcohol James Brown and Miles Davis. I also consumption. resolve to stop using the term "trouser­ (read: No more than ten beers and five snake" in every single column. shots an hour.) We resolve to become Sexual Assault Prevention and refined young gentlemen. (read: Burp! Queer Unity Projett: We resolve to Good one!) We resolve to enchant young Awareness Center: We resol-pe to give up have a bathroom in Angell Hall re­ ladies with our wit and charm. (read: named the George Michael Memorial Roofies, anyone?) our man-hating ways. We resolve to find us Bathroom and Pleasure Palace. We fur­ ther resolve to thrust forward into the Sorority Girls: Like, we resolve to some decent Joes who will take care of us _.~ew year while remembering to look get, like, straight C+'s this semester, so behind us to see where we came from. like, our daddies will replace our lame while we cook their meals and .bear their' 1999 is going to be rough year, so we'll 1998 Jeep Grand Cherokees with sweet have to grab our ankles and hold on. new 1999 Jeep Grand Cherokees. Like, young. We also resolve to try to better we also, like, resolve to make the guys emulate our new female hero, Donna Ann Arbor Police Department: We we, like, sleep with feel less awkward resolve to continue doing our best Eliot the next morning by, like, introducing Reed. Knitting is more fun than protesting. Ness impressions so we can stamp out ourselves first thing when we wake up. the presence of demon rum on campus, Like, we also, like, resolve to donate We also resolve to continue to follow our stretched ourblack pants and belly The Michigan Daily: We resolv Lee "Day Dream Believer" our motto: "To serve, protect, and scape­ shirts to our, like, our favorite charity, two continue our tradition off Bollinger: I resolve to maintain my nice­ goat." Constitution? We don't need no the home for old, washed up, bar joumalistiic excelence and keeep the guy, man-of-the-people image long stinkin' Constitution. bimbos. stewdent body well-inform about enough to declare myself dictator-for­ campuss tissues? (sic) life. Once I've seized power, I will crush Sara "Locked and Bloated" The Homeless of Ann Arbor: We all dissent with my Department of Pub­ Lockyer: I resolve to like .. , um ... like .. , resolve to become even more annoy­ Jessica "Miss White Liberal Guilt lie Safety stormtroopers. I also resolve Oh my God! I totally forgot my resolu­ ing, obnoxious, and smelly during the 1998" Curtin: I resolve to become the to take Ypsilanti by the spring. tion! [she then skipped away singing new year. We also resolve to contribute bitch of the biggest bulldyke in prison "If I only had a brain" and drinking a even less to society than the year be­ so she can protect me during those ,University Admissions: We re­ Diet Coke.] fore. Now gimme a quarter man! [Per­ daily shower brawls. solve to continue with our unbiased, sonal Note: My solution to the home­ color-blind, merit-based admissions Professors of W omyn's Studies, less problem is to a) buy them homes Free Mumia Coalition: We resolve process. Ha! Ha! Ha! Had you going African-American Studies, and Ameri­ and then lock them inside or b) feed the to get another political prisoner to be­ there, didn't we? can Culture: We resolve to finally ad­ homeless to the homeless.) come our cause since our current cause mit that we don't teach real courses. ~

Sexual Assault Prevention and . Awareness Center: We resolve to give up our man-hating ways. We resolve to Are miUtant, unshaven, left-wing radicals find us some decent Joes who will take stealing your dorm's copies of the Review? care of us while we cook their meals and bear their young. We also resolve to try to better emulate our new female Visit the Review's website and sign up for a free C,f. Camacchio is the executive editor of ~-mail subscription! the Review. He resolves to go after every ! commie,. pillko, Marxist, fem illist, socia/­ is: , liberal, hippie, scumbog 011 tilis God­ ~mre . .... " ItlrSaf.:C/1 /o!,ilitari(l l! Cl11f1j1l1.'·. Fni iviulIlia, ':,':.. ---,,/.::." ...... ' ":. .:. :." -2' -. ll 11i ~~ lIrtlli . and cat f ile, liome.lcss ! ',::

- >., ~,;>;,;;;;""".=,- - ""'''''<- .,...,.... "" _,._.... '..-..,"'m,_"_.. __~ ~, .. ,._, ."'._ " _~"...,_._ ~'''... "..,''~ ~~I1!0'1~__ .'''I I!':'l'l... .. ? :a:''' . ~___ , ...... _ ...... _11"...... 4 ...... Tl _ _ ...______January 20,1999 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW 7 o LANTERNS & LANCES

Lee's "Worst. ,.~ ;I' of Winter" 1999

ONTINUING THE TRADI­ New Left. (Ronald Reagan got elected, course, is ostensibly meant to teach all Another topic that seems to enjoy tion begun by Editor Emeritus George McGovern did not.) these illiterate freshmen the writing favor among the U-M faculty is prison­ C Benjamin Kepple, I nereby History 397, Section 006. Diver­ skills they didn/t learn in America's ers and prison. Apparently we're sUp­ present my choices for the "Worst of sity and Affirmative Action: The Uni­ awful high schools. Instead, it empha­ posed to study the horrors of prison life . Winter" 1999 courses. These are courses versity of Michigan as a Case Study­ sizes whatever g'oofball topic the GSI so we privileged people will feel sorry offered at U-M that reach new heights Offered as part of U-M's vaunted Di­ teaching the course enjoys. Two ex­ for lawbreakers. Two offerings from in political indoctrination, intellectual versity Theme Semester, this .course amples: this term: - stupidity, and intends to IIprovide students with the English 125: College Writing, American Culture 410 - Hispanics waste of tax­ opportunity to learn more about the Section 006 - IIThis course will con­ in the United States. Section 001 ·­ payer and tu­ history of diversity and affirmative ac­ sider urban culture by examining Women in Prison: Gender and Crime ition dollars. tion in higher educaqon in the U.5. and music, films [why must every En­ Among Blacks and Latinas - "In this Whenever to undertake original research on the glish class involve watching films?], course you will learn about women in we run a "Worst University of Michigan as a case study and a variety of readings about city prison. This course will focus on the

of Winter" col­ in the history of diversification. II No life ... Musical influences such as oppression that these women experi­ umn, we inevi­ doubt this course will portray U of Mas George Clinton, the Velvet Under­ ence before, durin& and after incar­ tably receive a heroic institution in the fightto achieve ground, and Puff Daddy will help us ceration. Interviews will be scheduled

complaints that /I social justice," defined as the manipu- . see how artists are celebrating their with women at the prison, which will it is unfair to lation of admissions standards to environments, while atthe same time be the basis for a final paper ... we will judge courses Lee achieve the administration's utopian questioning the status quo." use abstract categories and scientific that we have not Bockhom vision of racial balance. I wonder if any What the hell does listening to constructs to analyze their experiences." . actually taken. of the /I original research" will involve Puff Daddy have to do with learning $100 to the first person who can However, I be- determining just how many qualified how to write a coherent sentence at explain what "scientific constructs" is lieve it is fair to assume that when a white and Asian students have been the college level? supposed to mean... professor writes their course descrip­ English 411 - Art of the Film. Sec­ tion for the course guide, they attempt tion 001: Prison and the Artist - "The' to portray the course contents accu­ In English 125, our helpless young United States is the most incarcerating rately. Hence, I shall quote extensively nation in the world ... Several states from the course descriptions to explain freshmen get to learn about hack Hartists" have brought back prison stripes, chain my choices. gangs, and rock breaking. Yet to most Without further ado, here are the like Puff Daddy and Madonna, while ~,,_" of us prisons remain invisible places "Worst of Winter 1999": we ignore or know only through ru':' History 397, Section 002. The 19608: whatever writing ability they may possess mors, myths, and the speeches of poli­ From Old Left to New Left in Politics slowly rots from disuse. ticians. This course will address prison and Culture - From the lSA course reality and culture and the ways in guide: 'liThe Sixties' is an inter-d.isci­ which prisons are repesented to us and plinary course ... meeting to explore denied admission solely because of their Section 017: Rock Stars and Ameri­ to others. Discussions will focus on the political and cultural features of that race? can Culture - "The figure of the rock works [Le., films - this is an English controversial decade ... including the Theatre 399 - Topics in Drama. star has been a powerful presence in course, remember] and their implica­

Free Speech Movementl Black Power Section 001: Queer Theater - From the American cultural landscape. From tions ... Journals and final project, no and Black Arts Movements, Second the course guide: "Queer Theater is ... Elvis and the Beatles through Michael exams." Wave of Feminism, and anti-Vietnam devoted to exploring the plays, ideas, Jackson, Madonna, and ' anti-rock stars' What a surprise, another "English" War movement. Several guests who and lives of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and like Kurt Cobain and Marilyn Manson, course where writing takes a back seat piayed important parts in the move­ transgendered playwrights. The course our culture has tended to create larger­ to political preaching by the professor! ments of the 19605 will visit the Semi­ will focus on the individu~ plays, the than-life media heroes in the world of nar to dialogue with us." influence (or lack thereof) of sexuality popular music ... In this section, we will Of course, for every class I've in­ Now the rise of the radical New on the texts themselves, and the histori­ think and write about this duded here, there ar~ another five or Left in the Sixties, for better or worse, is cal context of the plays and their au­ quintessentially American creation ... six putrid offerings I don't have room a historical fact, so there's nothing thors. Furthermore, each student will As a writing course, our major goal will to discuss. On a positive note, it is still wrong in principle with studying that in explore his or her own theories of the­ be to develop sophisticated thinking possible for a student to attend U-M a history class. Ye~, "studying" and in­ atrical scholarship with regard to sexu­ and express it in lucid, vigorous prose." and get a good liberal arts education; doctrination are two different things, ality, race, class, and gender, as well as I applaud this section's effort to unfortunately it's akin to searching for and there can be little doubt that this other issues students may wish to ex­ develop "lucid, vigorous" prose writ­ a needle in a haystack. Our confused class will be a quick tour of the glorious plore independently." ing about rock stars in all those bud­ student, searching for courses in the heroism of the Left in the Sixties, with I don't think I need to say much ding Rolling Stone contributors out time sched ule that will teach him about

little problems like its often violent tac­ more about this one. If someone at­ therel but I question how examining what Matthew Arnold called "the best tics conveniently ignored. Absent a to­ tempted to offer a course titled "White the likes of Marilyn Manson and Elvis that has been thought and said," is left tal lack of this type of political indoctri- . Theater" or "Male Theatet"at U-M is supposed to lead to '/sophisticated twisting in the wind by a university nation disguised as "learning," the least they'd be run out of town on a rail. thinking." In a course devoted to im­ that offers piles of trendy intellectual the History Department could do is proving students' writing, one might garbage at an outrageous price. l\R offer a similar, concurrent course on Now we come to another degener­ expect that on top of writing practice the rise of postwar American conserva­ ate division, the U-M English Depart­ the students would be expected to read tism, which has arguably had just as ment, which allows students to gradu­ books or essays by good writers - the great an impact on U.S. politics as the ate as English "majors" without even idea being that reading good writing taking a course on Shakespeare - per­ necessarily improves your own. In En­ Sound Off: Lee Bockhom is the editor-in-chief of the haps the greatest writer in the English glish 125, though, our helpless young Review. He desperately wanted to enroll language! Do you think English courses freshmen get to learn about hack "art­ in America11 Culture 496 Sec. 6: Mariachi are supposed to deal with literature ists" like Puff Daddy and Madonna, [email protected] Perfonuance Ensemble (a real WInter and writing? Think again. English 125, while whatever writing ability they may '99 coWse)/ bttl h,e r,an .out of credits. U-M's }f,l~roductory ~oqLposition P9~!?e.s~ ?l.o~ ly rots frorIl ~i,suse.

• .• - , .....'"'~ .....?'" .... ~.. _->.,_ ...... _,.. _ .... _ .... _-.....-."'_, __.. ____...... ,.. _ _ ..,., .... __ ,_ .___ . _ _ .... ~--...JJ~~~"" ______- 8 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW January 20, 1999 o PRESIDENTIAL SIGHTINGS Bowled Oyer By Bollinger

BY MATTHEW S. SCHWARTZ to blend into the crowd. But in any case, He was awesome (in the Biblical sense EDISCLAIMER: Thefollowing story is true. of the word). His golden hair was mag­ Well, based on a true story. The names have nificent in its brilliance, the unkempt not been charlged to protect the innocent. strands like a bundle of fiber optics, Any resemblance to ally actual person, liv­ . with rays of light radiating from each ing or dead, is not coil1cidental.} tip. I was almost physically unable to WAS STANDING ON SOUTH break my gaze from His hypnotic' do. University. Dirty, filthy, brown After all, while one should never look I. slush surrounded my feet. The directly at the sun, it remains a sight to harsh winter air threatened to bite me behold. I summoned up all my courage with frost with each step. I looked up at and approached Him. He looked up, the sky - the sun was hidden behind and our eyes met once again. I quickly the clouds, and all I could see was a began: harsh white glare. I hadn't seen a gentle "Mister President! It is such an yellow haze in months. honor to rIreet you. Such an honor!" I couldn't go home because I had Should I bow? What should I do? promised my sick friend I would bring "Thank you, thank you," He said him some Ty lenol and a cup of chicken with such modesty. noodle soup. I had already found the "I mean, I'm serious, Mister Presi­ Tylenol but there was no soup at the dent, it is greatto meet you." Too much? Village Apothecary. There was soup at "Oh, oh, thanks, thanks a lot," He the party shop next to Taco Bell, but no replied. chicken noodle. So I was on my way to What should Isaynow?Oh,Ihadn't the third store on my list of chicken­ planned this far in advance!! "Umm, soup-hiding-places, the Village Corner. uhhh, I'm uh, econ or poli sci," I After about twenty minutes in that mumbled. labyrinth of a store, I found the soup "What?" He questioned. aisle and ventured in. Perusing the Ahh! "1 mean I am either an eco­ shelves, I weighed my options. "Liplun Actually being acknowledged by race-based ad~ssions policy can be nomics or a political science major," I dehydrated powder stuff... Beef Ramen Bollinger was too much forme! I quickly construed as a noble notion, intended clarified. noodles, ooh, only 20 cents a serving! ... exited the soup aisle, and in a dizzy to hetp minorities and to prepare ev­ "Oh, that's.good." President Bollinger ... " stupor, grabbed a hold of the refrigera­ eryone for a life of diversity, it instead He seemed bored. Bored!! "I plan President Bollinger? tor case door handle to steady myself. I breeds animosity among whites toward to take your class next semester, Mister Standing in the soup aisle,. larger opened the door and let the frosty arctic minorities who they feel may lack the Bollinger, uh, I mean, President than life, was He who had inducted me blast cool me down. My eyes quickly qualifications to be here? No, because Bollinger, you know, the one about, into this fine institution - and the one darted from row to row, seeing the then He'd probably have His secret umm, uhhh, free speech and the law who would send me on my way! Or bottles of pop but not really taking thought police take me into the Fleming and stuff, you know ... " Ahhhh!!!! I can't was it? If it was, I was standing in the anything in. My heart was pounding. I Building for reprogramming. So what think!! I can't speak!!! presence of the most powerful being at tried to read the labels but the words could I say that would not end up with "Oh, yes," He said. "Yes, well I will this oh-so-diverse university. But if it look forward to seeing you there." wasn't, I was making a fuss over noth­ "Thank You, Mister President!!" ing. I knew I should say something, He saw me staring, and in full An awkward pause. maybe ask if it was really Him. .. I'd say "Well then," He continued, "it was something wonderful, something bril­ presidential prowess, He stared back. And nice meeting you." liant, something that He would remem­ "You too, sir... You too." ber for the rest of His life; but I couldn't! the moment our eyes met, I knew that And with that, He turned and I was frozen. walked away, leaving me standing "Get a hold of yourself, man!" I this was, without a doubt, Mister there, reflecting on that which had just yelled to myself repeatedly. Yet try as I Shaggy-Do Himself. occurred. It was over as quickly as it might, I was unable to muster the nerve. began. I stood still for a moment in All I could do was ... stare. contemplation. I had beheld greatness. He saw me staring, and in full presi­ made no sense to me. 1 could sound either one of us screaming in terror? This would be a story I would tell to my dential prowess, He stared back. And them out, pronounce them, but "Sprite" A little voice somewhere in the back children and my children's children. in the moment our eyes met, I knew was as meaningless now as "Zzrbkto." of my mind suddenly became very loud, I hurried out of the aisle and saw that this was, without a doubt, Mister "Dammit, man!" my mind shouted. and very clear. Its wisdom was obvi­ Him walking out the door with a stack Shaggy-Do Himself. On my face was a "This is your one chance to talk to the ous: "Kiss up to Him." of newspapers in His arms. And with look of astonishment, of pure incredu­ President! You have seen Him so many Of course! It's always a good idea that, He was gone, and I was once again lity. In His omniscience, he grasped my times in the newspaper, on television, to kiss up to He who has the power to just a lowly anonymous student, an­ disbelief, and in response, slightly standing behind podiums - now He's decide if I can stay or if I must go. other one ~tudent ID out of thousands. squinted and cocked His head as if to standing not five feet from you, look­ Kissing up was the answer. And yet, there remained a sense of joy, say, "Yes, it is I." ing at soup! This is your chance to make I walked back into the soup aisle, because He had given me, if only for a a great first impression!" hoping He would still be there. Indeed, single defining instant of my life, a Matthew Schwartz is camplls affairs editor As usual, my mind was right. I had He was. Standing back, I beheld His glimpse of the clarity and perfection of the Reviewand an LSA sophomore. He to talk to Him. But what would I say? image. Not quite as tall as I had imag­ that comes with the total and complete is also an aspiring writer for Penthouse Should I tell Him I'm from the Michigan ined, He came up to about my fore­ self-confidence and force of character Forum. Alld yes, he is heterosexual. Review? No, He'd run away screaming. head. He was dressed very casually, in that is Mr. Shaggy-Do. M{ Should I point out to Him that while a . jeans ~d ~~ellk~~s , mostlike.ly in order

" » -~. ~~ ~ ---... ~-!"' >"""", - '--,. ~_ = , ~<" ''''''''>'.""",,", .4# ~ ,\' n .. ::s:;»; "'*!!\ lil4lJJ@i January 20, 1999 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW 9 OBEAUTI - - Men Good;, ~,,,,, Media Bad

BY JULIE JESCHKE the average lecherous, adulterous, JFK, but they do expect her to maintain an now stress that I was being completely cheap floozy secretary-dating, intern­ immaculate house and devote all her sarcastic in the two preceeding para- T ANY WEEKLY REVIEW seducing liberal? Eureka! He's a con­ spare time to the happiness of her hus- graphs. After making the seemingly meeting, I inevitably stick out servative - it was so obvious! band and children. It's really not much obvious liberal=pervert connection, I A like a sore thumb; peruse the Stereotypically speaking, conservatives to ask, especially when considering the planned to point out the evils of these staff box, and you will see that I am the are "family values" people; the exist­ alternative. future lechers, while praising the virtu- only female writer on staff. However, ence of the Moral Right implies the The filthy, sneaky liberal wants all ous conservative man. But I then real- with this distinction comes opportuni­ reciprocal existence of the Immoral Left. the same things from his spouse, but ized with my minority-induced insight ties for insight. The Young Conserva­ Granted, men are men, and tend to lacks the em{)tional security or gall to that all men are equal. Dirty jokes, lewd tive Male might be an enigma to the rest behave thusly. Regardless of political demand them. Instead, he finds him- comments, and testosterone follow of the world, but not to me. I see them affiliation, every man is a sucker for a self paying for her manicures, pedi- them wherever they go - even to Re- in their natural environment, and I'd pretty face. But at least conservatives cures, facials, personal trainers, cos- view meetings. It doesn't make sense to like to think that I have a basic under­ like Bob Dole have the decency to di­ metics, cosmetic surgery, designer stereotype men base

BY DROR BARON believe the dorms are ideal for first­ Rock, and drinking profusely just to socia ted with a purchasing a similar year students. They provide a safe plat­ prove that "You're one of us, dude!" connection through a private company. ITH THE ANNUAL form around which to build a solid Then there's money, withoutques­ Though a seemingly trivial issue, the apartment-hunting season social life. Sure, that sounds geeky, but tion every s~dent's biggest concern, predominance of e-mail and the Inter­ W in full swing aI\d the Greek just look at all those guys and gals who besides sex. The bottom line on dormi­ net on this campus - a predominance winter semester rush on the near hori­ rush fraternities and sororities, "rush­ tories is that they are expensive. This which will only increase with time - zon, considerable discussion is taking ing" being a cool euphemism for "buy­ year, I'm paying more than $6,500 for make a fast connection (e.g., cable or place about the economics of the ing friends." True, being a Greek has its my single, compared to the measly Ethernet) at home indispensable. University's dormitory and dining ser­ unique amenities. There's the brother/ $2,300 rent I will pay for the same eight Another financial plus of dorms is vices. At the heart of the matter is the sisterhood thing, the various intramu- month period next year. However, that that they are a work-study Mecca, with question, "Would students be best off generous pay scales and the conve­ sleeping and eating in the University nience of literally working at home. dorms, at fraternities, or in their own It's simply worthwhile to take it easy for a Currently, dormitory cafeterias hire stu­ private quarters?" A long expose on dents at the healthy starting wage of dormitory dining costs, which appeared couple of years in the donns. There you can $7.10 an hour; you won't be paid nearly in this fine publication not too long ago, as well doing the same job anywhere argued from a purely financial view­ decide what you want to do and when. else on campus. Dorm libraries, .front point that the students get scaromed. desks, and computer sites provide ad­ The University overcharges, bills us for There are no commitments, no attached ditional employment right on the pre­ meals uneaten, and generally takes stereotypes, no pressures. mises. Consequently, by taking full ad­ more than it gives. Such statistical analy­ vantage of these vast financial re­ ses,however, tragically ignore the nicer sources, one could potentially earn things about dorm life: the perks that ral athletic programs, and let's not for­ figure does not include utilities, which more than $2,000 performing easy tasks have no dollar value but which add get the hedonistic weekend ritual of will add another one hundred dollars without ever having to leave the cozy considerably to the standard of living. drinking and partying. Other bonuses or so to the rent each month. It also confines of his or her dormitory. Perks like developing close friendships include subsidizing the Ann Arbor Po­ doesn't include the headache of actu­ Finally, what a lot of it boils down in a cozy, summer-camp-like environ­ lice Departmentand getting into fights ally remembering to pay the utilities. to is that it's Simply worthwhile to take ment; being exposed to a diverse uni­ with the football team. In all serious­ Then there is the crucial issue of the all­ it easy for a couple of years in the dorms. verse of people and campus activities; ness, the dorms offer students many of important Internet connection. Earlier There you can decide what you want to and not having to worry about meals the same athletic and social opportuni­ in the year, I paid a one-time fee of fifty do and when. There are no commit­ and Internet connection and utility bills, ties, and more - academic advising, dollars or so for a speedy Ethernet hook­ ments, no attached stereotypes, no pres­ or about cleaning the bathroom or the libraries, and exercise rooms are but a up through the dorm. That's a real bar­ sures. It's the perfect way to kick off an kitchen, for that matter. few - without the initial nuisances of gain, especially when compared to the enjoyable college experience. rvR Ignoring the money issue, I truly scrubbing bathrooms, painting The huge installation and monthly fees as-

'''~''''~'''''''''''N·'' __'''·'''<''~~'~'~ ____''' __ '''''''''''' __''''''''''''''''''''''''W''''-...w "'''''''''''''''''m.'_'''''''',~'=_~~...... __ \",._""" __ "",,,_ ...... iSli'''' _____...... _ ....___ ' 10 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW January 20, 1999 o INTERNATIONAL

Welcome. .~ to Euroland

BY JACOB OSUCK Essentially, it constitutes an area stretch­ flex. On the surface, the Euro remains pressure. Thus, the Euro's introduction ing from Ireland to Finland to Italy, a simple economic change. Specifically, implies relatively stable European prices URRENCY TRADING IS where member countries have agreed it will permit cost-free, cross-country for the foreseeable future; the right envi- about as much fun to write to give up national currencies. Thus, by investment. Currently, if a Frenchmen ronment for growth and investment. C about as it is to talk about. That 2002, no longer will German Marks, wants to fivest in Germany, he must Similarly, the Euro mandates strin- is to say, not much. So how can one French Francs, or Italian Lira exist. in­ pay his workers in Marks. To do this,he gent fiscal policies, and already has spread word about an issue of phe­ stead, people throughout the continent must convert Francs to Marks, and pay curbed reckless European spending. To nomenal importance and immaculate will conduct day-to-day transactions a fee for the conversion. When he then qualify, Italy dramatically reduced its boredom? Of course, I'm speaking in Euros, the new currency. In the in­ sells this product in Germany, he re- fiscal deficit, as did France. Not only that, about the Euro, the European Union's terim, the c e i v e s but Euro members must keep their bud- attempt to unite aU of Western Europe Euro re­ Marks as get deficits below 3% of GDP, or face under the umbrella of a single cur~ places na­ pro fit s . hefty fines. By keeping budget deficits rency. To help spice up the Euro's in~ tional cur­ '51! However, low, theEuroshouldboostnationalsav- troduction, EU bureaucrats are employ­ rencies in all in order to ings rates - a key for igniting growth. ing a variety of means. For example, electronic act u a 11 y Lastly, the Euro could supplement they now publish a children's comic transac­ spend these the dollar as theworld's leading reserve book entitled "Captain Euro," featur­ tions, allow­ profits in currency. This will permit Europe a ing a caped crusader herOically fight­ ing conti­ France, he luxury the U.S. now enjoys: painless trade inghoards of evil, greedy currency trad­ nent-wide, mustrecon- deficits. Essentially, many countries hap- ers. Even "Euroland/' the unofficial cost-free vert them to pily exchange goods and services for the moniker for the territory where the movements F ran c s , little pieces of paper' produced quite Euroserves as legal tender, smacks as of capital. Eventually, its backers hope again paying a transaction fee. Not only cheaply by the U.S. Federal Reserve more befitting a theme park then a Euroland will extend into the former that, but throughout the duration of his Board. This amounts to the United States macroeconomic anomaly. Fortunately, Soviet Bloc, and include current hold­ invest~ent, he must worry about receiving an interest free loan: they give Euroland won't require a superhero to outs such as the United Kingdom, Franco-German monetary policies. If us things they worked hard to make, in survive, and its progress so far indi­ Greece and Norway. for example, France holds to tight exchange for our IOU's that they never cates the currency transformation will So, now that we've established money, while Germany propagates in- come to collect. However, with the Euro's more resemble a smooth ride in the what the Euro is, we must ask: what flation, the Franc will gain strength, introduction, we can expect countries to country, not a roller coaster. costs and benefits will it bring? Here, sharply reducing the paper value of his balance their currency holdings by So what specifically is Euroland? the subject matter becomes more com- German investment. The Euro elimi-~ ..... ~umping dollars for Euros. In the short nates this host of problems. As a result, term, many economists are predicting a we can expect that the Euro will pro- declining dollar. However, in the long- mote increased multi-national invest- term our loss of a premier foreign cur- University of Michigan ment, and by eradicating transaction rency position will only minimally dam- costs, boost economic efficiency. It also age our economy. At the same time, Students ends the persistent American businesses • Are your economics professors hostile to the Free Market? problemofcoun~es ICurrencies in 1 Euro will ~agnanimously purposefully dnv- . . . benefIt from lower • Are they still teaching the failed doctrines of Lord Keynes? ing down the value Austrian ShIlling 13.76 transaction costs on of their currency to Belgium Franc 40.34 European investment, If so, help is just an e-mail away! promote exports, Finish Markka 5.95 more than balancing triggering a French Franc 6.56 out any loss. devaluationary, G M rk 196 So,assumingyou . l' erman a . k thr gh 1 The Mackinac Center for Public Policy, a free market research institute, h arm f u 1 spIra In . stuc ou my ec- offers "Ask the Economist," an interactive Web site feature to help guide neighboring coun- Irish Punt .79 ture of currency trad- students around economic fallacies. tries unwilling to see Italian Lira 1936.27 ing, you see that, al- their trade balance Dutch Guilder 2.20 though the Euro Navigating your way to economic decline. Portugese Escudo 200.48 doesn't exactly evoke The second ben- S . h P t 166 38 the same kind of inter- truth can be a challenge. . hil panrs ese a. th p . Economic errors abound, and e fit IS more p 0- est as say, e resI- the line between political sophical: the removal dent quite literally try- ofpoliticsfrommonetarypolicy,.Specifi- ing to be the father of our country, it , opinion and established cally, many countries, such as Italy, tra- remains perhaps the most important glo- principles is often ditionally fell victim fo "election eco- bal event since the collapse of commu- blurred. nomics'!: before elections, governments nism. The Euro will Simplify trade, help would print currericy. In the short run, destatistize the European economy, and Expert help based on prices stay sticky, so the increase in the rival the dollar in international impor- modem economic money supply excelerated growth. How- tance. For those students planning to schoiarship is ever, in the long term, growth in the travel tp Europe in the next few years, it only 24 hours away. money supply only pushes up prices, will also make travelling from country to go to send the shocks of hyperinflation country much simpler. Once it goes into www.mackinac.org throughout the country. In fact, polls circulation, prospective tourists will not and look for the indicate that Italy maintains such a need to change their money in each coun- "Ask the Economist" icon staunchly pro-Euro position precisely try they visit - and waste what they because they want to get saved from cannot spend. Thus, while you shouldn't - themselves. With the introduction of the expect Captain Euro to replace Super- Euro, monetary policy shifts from na- man on the hierarchy of superheroes, his tional governments to a monolithic cen- stature might place him above say, tral bank, non-responsive to political Aquaman. 1VR

---~-~~ --,.,~""'--"""'''''''''''-'''''''''''''''_»'''''''''''_''''''''''''''~'I''\W'' ______'''' __ ''' January 20, 1999 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW 11 DFOOD " .,' \ The Best Ptz.~a J oint in Town

BY DAVID GUlPE doesn't change the point of the story. I the competition. Each donated a sample deserved free meal." mean, how many of us haven't ordered of their pizza with the hopes of being Just when I had given up all hope T'S FRIDAY NIGHT. YOU AND from a pizza place and been totally deemed "The Greatest Pizza Place in of mooching off the system, er, cover- your girlfriend are curled up on aghast at the quality of the pizza, the the Whole Wide World." The contes- ing the story, the RAs arrived with the I the couch, watching the latest time it took for delivery, the fact that tants, who all deserve some credit for pizza. The song "We Are The Champi- Jackie Chan movie. You feel confident the store's motto is "Tip us or we'll spit their generosity, include Little Caesars, ons" could be heard in the background that this is going to be a great night in your pizza," etc? I have pttrsonally Faz, Jet's, Cottage Inn, Domino's, as they triumphantly entered the room, when all of the sudden your girlfriend been on a quest for quite some time to NYPD, DaVinci's, and Pizza House. carrying the pizzas in one hand and a informs that she's hungry. find Ann Arbor's number one pizza ThecontestwasheldintheCouzens cattle prod in the other Gust in case). "I'm hungry/' she informs you. You joint. In my opinion, in order for a pizza Hall library . I, being the dedicated jour- Finally, the contest got underway. A£- nervously pick up the phone book to place classify as "the best," it's going to nalist that I am, realized that if I chose ter the Devouring of the Pizza and sev- look for a pizza place, realizing that the have to contain the following three fac­ to cover this event, I had no choice but eral seconds of deliberation, the verdict rest of the evening hangs on this deci­ tors: to participate in it. The library was was clear. The number one pizza place sion. You open up to the yellow pages 1. Great-tasting pizza. packed with poor college students, all in Ann Arbor is none other than only to find several hundred pizza 2. Efficient delivery service. anticipating the free food. I found a (drumroll, please)Jet's Pizza! The resi- places, each guaranteeing you that 3. Dancing monkeys. comfortable chair and began to wait. dents of Couzens Hall overwhelmingly they're the best place around. You look Well, I was just aboutto give up the And wait, and wait, and wait. I was picked Jet's as the place with the best over at your girlfriend. She gives you search and go back to eating gruel, err... beginning to worry. What if the RAs pizza in town. Taking second place was that "I KNOW you'll make the right dorm food on Saturday nights when who went to get the pizza had run into Pizza House and coming in third was decision," look. Wh(it do you do? What who should save the day but the trusty some trouble? What if they had en- Faz, who impressed us all with his ex- do you do? RAs at Couzens Hall. Not too long ago, countered evil villains who plotted to cellent service. Honorable mentions go Congratulations! You've just en­ a group of RAs decided to have a pizza­ steal our pizza? to DaVinci's and Domino's. countered that age-old problem that tasting contest in Couzens. It was held Evil Villain: "Ha! I am an evil villain There it is, friends'- all the infor-

has plagued students for decades: just as one of their If programs" - hall ac­ and I am going to do, uh, lots of villain- mation you need for the next time you're exactly which pizza place is the best in tivities that RAs are required to orga­ ous things unless you hand over your in one of those awkward pizza deci- town? Right now you're probably think­ nize every now and then, to force their pizza to me!" (diabolical laughter ac- sion-making situations. Now all you ing, "Dave, this scenario is completely residents to spend quality time together. companied by a very convincing clap men out there know which pizza place ridiculous. No girl would ever watch a Anyway, the RAs were able to con­ of thunder) to call the next time your girlfriend gets Jackie Chan movie." Well, okay, that vince eight of Ann Arbor's most well­ RA: "You fiend! Now the residents of one of those late night cravings. That's part was for dramatic effect. But that known pizza places to participate in Couzens Hall will never get their w~~-~ right: whichever one she wants. l\R o SPORTS The Bastard Sponsor Comes Home

BY BRIAN COOK Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints stuff like television and those super­ I'll tell you what the professional Outback Steakhouse with New Greasy market samples. Every American trea­ . sports world could really use: a fans' T'S OFFICIAL: RAMPANT Onion Thing, 50% Off for a Limited sures his free stuff only slightly less union. Currently, labor disputes re­ over-commercialization has come Time, Hurry In Now Bowl" ends now. than he treasures his First Amendment volve around who enjoys the more ri­ I to Detroit. For those of you who They even got the Rose Bowl. It's bad rights. But what benefit do we derive diculous profit margin. Imagine, if you have no clue about what's going on in enough that Keith Jackson decided to from the new Cellular Phone Company will, a fat, shirtless man with one of the world around you (read: Dailyedi­ retire and we have to tolerate Brent­ Dome? None. My latest calculations those foam fingers and a $12.50 beer tors), Comerica is paying 66 million freaking-Musburger as the voice of col­ show that the average American family busting in on Billy Hunter and David dollars to bastardize the new Tiger Sta­ lege football, but now even the Rose of four can only afford to go to a profes- Stem and demanding a 50 percent cut dium. For a period of 30 years, anyone in ticket prices. They'd have to capitu­ who pays the slightest attention to the late, because the fans' union would Tigers must simultaneously pay atten­ Close out your Comerica Bank accounts, wield the ultimate hammer: income. If tion to the wonderful checking options no one watches, if no one bothers to offered by your local Comerica branch. ship with UPS, and for the love of the Rose care, the leagues will shrivel up faster Thirty years from now, 66 million dol­ than a Michigan State grad's career op­ lars will buy you dinner and a movie, Bowl, ,avoid AT&T at all costs. The time portunities. The power rests ultimately and Comerica gets to have a stadium. has come to take back our bowl names, our with us. That doesn't seem very fair to me, However, we fail to exercise this mostly because when Joe Falls and the stadiums, our airwaves., power every time the leagues present other old men who attends the Tigers' us with an opportunity. This cause has games die, Come rica will essentially no leader, no organization, no momen­ advertise to the ghost of AI Kaijne. Bowl is sponsored? As they say on the sional sporting event if they sell the tum, though I know it is much more Nevertheless, this represents the last Diag, I'm whiny as hell and I'm not child who "they love just as much, re­ important to the average American than straw for me. My commercial tolerance going to take it any more. ally" to Malaysian slave traders. the falsified tragedies half a world away meter now reads zero. So I urge you who read my column Meanwhile, the NBA players still that are currently the" cool" causes. We Years of passive acceptance of such (read: the Review staff and Mom) to complain that they can't afford vintage need to build a "new, militant move­ blasphemous ~ntities as the FedEx Or­ boycott these companies. Close out your cars for all 37 illegitimate children ment" and sweep the nation with the ange Bowl, 3Com Park, and the Comerica Bank accounts, ship with they've spawned. Sergei Fedorov plight of our cause. Because even when "Carquest-Micron PC -Pepsi-Church of UPS, and for the love of the Rose Bowl, bought the Kremlin with last year's 28 the lockout ends, we are on the outside, avoid AT&T at all costs. The time has million dollar salary. Quarterback, Scott looking in. Fans of the world, unite. l\R. This cohmm has been hrought to you by corne to take back our bow 1names, our Mitchell makes more money sitting on Sponsor the Review. We're Brian Cookimd lViiI-Marl. Hate him? New stadiums, our airwaves. We will al­ the bench looking stupid than the aver­ practi~;:: eally Htl'ean'iing, "Bastardize tis! ;,;., Cool; Voodou Dolif: arc 50%! Poke him wavs have commercials; they consti­ age Lions' fan will see in his entire lt~!!erc it lillrt.'! Wai-Alart makes it possible. . Bastardize us~·, Your,ad here. ;,' tute ,\ necessarv part of getting free tortured t~xistence. . .~):~

"'·~''''''"'''''''''''''''_~"''_'''''''''''''''N''W_.""·""""",~")'(,,,,,,-",.'t''''A''~~'''''''"''''''''''''='~'''+''~~''''''''''''''''''''"''''''''''''''''~'''''''.'''''''''___ ~~;''~;f>.'''f~_'''' __ """"""""""", ___ """,, ______12 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW January 20,1999 o BASKETBALL Asselin Steps Up for Wolverines

BY ANDREW GOLDING dirty blond rug to a threatening, shaved­ M's star. On this day, though, Bullock selves when setting up the offense; U­ to-the-core, Demi Moore "G.!. Jane" dominated, hitting four treys and lead­ M's 84-points versus OSU was among TEVE FISHER IS SMILING getup. Displaying consistent effort, ing his team to victory. the highest of the season. and perhaps marveling at the Asselin now battles for rebounds and U-M's win places them at 9-9 over­ Home victories over top 25ers Wis­ S playofhisformerrecruit,a6'11" position in the post, and sets hard all and 3-2 in the Big 10, squarely in the consin, Indiana, and OSU have led the forward formerly regarded as a screens. Early in the 2nd half, Asselin middle of the pack. Chances of a NCAA crowd to deem each opponent, "O-ver­ beanpole. For Josh Asselin, once con­ fought for inside position, rebounded a Tournament berth are long forgotten, ra-ted ... O-ver-ra-ted." For the first time sidered a project, now poses a legiti­ Bullock miss. His subsequent attempt but an NIT appearance remains a pos­ since Dugan Fife, U-M students and mate scoring threat as a vital member was off and he again grabbed the re­ sibility, considering U-M's national fans seem energized at games. One can of this year's Michigan basketball team. bound. After another miss, he con­ prominence and alumni support no longer hear Coach Brian Ellerbe In an 84-74 victory over Ohio State trolled the board and finally laid the U-M's .500 clip is not buzzworthy, screaming for his players to screen, or on January 16th, Asselin posted career­ ball in. Overall, three attempts, three nor was their embarrassing 44-point Vignier's groans as he lumbers up the bests for a third straight game: 22 points, offensive rebounds, and two hard­ loss at Duke on D~cember 12th. Yet, court. Indeed, the "Maize Rage" may 10 rebounds, 4 blocks, and 3 assists. In earned points for Asselin. this year's team has made remarkable be more than just putrid yellow t-shirts. the process, he proved himself a solid Justifiably overshadowed by strides. Only months ago, center Peter Of course, not everything has im­ scorer, complementing veteran guards Asselin, Bullock contributed 19 points Vignier was hitting the basket when proved. U-M remains a different team Louis Bullock and Robbie Reid. and held Redd, a bigger, stronger attempting to feed Asselin in the post. on the road, and a hesitant one at that. Versus OSU, Asselin was all over player, to 3 of 12 shooting. Both guards Against OSU, Vignier hit him square in Vignier still seems robotic when shoot­ the floor, terrorizing the Buckeyes. have pro-potential and the matchup the hands, leading to easy conversions. ing, though in fairness his progress is Asselin blocked shots by guards Scoonie may be among the first of many. Many wondered how U-M would evident. Freshman Leon Jones has Penn and Michael Redd as they entered Redd attempted to isolate and post score points this season, as their only trouble finding his shot, handling the his paint area, performed a near chin­ the smaller Bullock, but puch tactics proven threats were Bullock and Reid. ball, and staying out of foul trouble; his up while dunking, fed Reid for an open rarely succeed in the college game, In November, December, and parts of turnovers (5) and fouls (4) againstOSU trey, and nailed a jumper to seal the where zone defenses and off-the-ball January, the answer was: they didn't. were his only notable statistics. And U­ contest. Currently sans nickname, double-teaming are allowed. Bullock But recently, Asselin stepped up as U­ M is not in the top 25 or even close, so no Asselin's performance should inspire received help from teammates, and M's third cog and a much-needed in­ one can deem them "O-ver-rated." Such some to call him "Mr. Ubiquitous." Redd's own oft-wayward shooting. side presence to offset the guards' out­ a designation is an honor, in a sense. The improvement of the sopho­ Years from now, Redd will likely domi­ side bombing. Michigan has also im­ Ellerbe stated this October that more forward is epitOmized by his hair, nate Bullock if they are matched up, as proved its ball movement, rarely leav­ "We'll give it a fight." To date, he is a which he transformed from a dyed- the OSU guard is simply too big for U- ing Reid and Bullock to fend for: theiil- man of his word. M{ NBA: Back From the Dead?

BY HAL BORKOW the media and the fans knew that this Yet many claim that no heir to demonstrating skills that transcend the day would come. This decision may jordan's talent exists; that he exempli­ traditional Ioles and expectations that HENATIONALBASKETBALL actually benefit the league. For example, fies the pinnacle of human basketball defined their positions. Even a seven­ Association came shockingly the Eastern Conference is now an open existence. Which current players will footer such as Kevin Garnett now pos­ T dose to doing the unthinkable field, with numerous teams having a carry the torch and lead the NBA into a sesses the versatility of a forward and -canceling its 1999..1999 season. Ironi­ shot to make it to ~e Finals; Thank­ new era? Naturally, Michael jordan's the springs of a guard. Basketball is a cally, the most financially successful fully, we will finally have a playoff that basketball career cannot nor should not sport where individuality reigns. There and commercialized professional sports is not anticlimactic in this conference; be recreated by Kobe Bryant, Allen may never be another Jordan. But let's league of the 90s teased its fans by an interesting battle for supremacy will Iverson, Grant Hill, or any other young allow the athletes in the coming years flirting with this very unmarketable develop with Indiana, Miami, New player the media obnoxiously labels as to place their individual mark on the possibility. York, Atlanta, and Charlotte in the mix. the Second Coming. However, the sheer game before we start overdramatizing Billy Hunter, Union head., did his I can't imagine I'm the only basketball quantity of pure talent that exists in the jordan's loss to the league. very best to bully the players, yet in the fan that got sick of a seemingly prede­ league today is simply awesome. When Possibly the question most concern­ end, they didn't buy his rhetoric. The termined Eastern 'Conference Cham­ Wilt Chamberlain suggests that if he ing NBA is this: will fans come back to borderline NBA'players as well as many pion. Sure, the TV ratings will decrease were inhis prime today,he could domi­ the NBA, despite the shortened season of the non-superstars would have lost if it's an Indiana-Charlotte conference nate to a greater capacity than when he and no all-star game? Perhaps the NBA too great an amount of their income, final, but I expect true basketball fans actually played, recognize that he is will rejuvenate, but only slowly. The had the season been cancelled. In the will appreciate the greater parity in the full of hot air. In Chamberlain's day, strike affects some franchises more than aftermath of this fiasco the media may league this year, something it has lacked only one center could neutralize him: others. For example, if the Bulls dis­ focus on Michael Jordan's retirement, for too long. Bill Russell. Today, there would be sev­ mantle, the best basketball team in the but the fans ought to be thanking the Truthfully, there existed border­ eral: Shaquille O'Neal, Hakeem city of Chicago this year may well be Scott Burrells of the NBA for breaking line fans who would watch four NBA Olajuwon, Dikembe Mutombo; perhaps DePaul. However, once March Mad­ with th~ Players Union and allowing games a year; all ending with Michael even Dennis Rodman, the most versa­ ness ends and the NBA playoffs begin, the season to commence. So let's put Jordan swishing the game-winning bas­ tile defensive player in the history of my hunch is that the basketball fans profeSSional basketball up there with ket in the final game of each of his the sport, could hassle Chamberlain in interested in the playoffs of yesteryear death and taxes. Sports fans can count respective playoff contests. The NBA the pain. Indeed, today's players are will be interested in this year, too. Re­ on its survival, if not its surging popu­ may assume that these fans generate redefining their assumed positions. member that basketball is not the only larity. any high ratings it achieved in the past; Guards like Iverson, Bryant, sport that has had a postseason after a Numerous questions surround this still, the NBA underestimates the cre­ Stephon Marbury, and Anfernee strike-shortened regular season-base­ NBA season. First and foremost, how ative potential of the sport it promotes. Hardaway have the uncanny ability to ball did it in '81, and football held its will Michael Jordan's retirement affect As long as the game continues to de­ set up their teammates like a classic Super Bowl in '83 despite a regular the NBA? Conventional wisdom sug­ velop with infusions of new and tal­ point-guard, and the ability to score like season of only nine games. These sports gests that it will unqu~tionably hurt ented athletes, the sport will move on, an off-guard. Sleek, athletic forwards have rebounded, and basketball can, professional basketball. .But the league, and the league will, too. are reshaping their positions, too - too. M{ @ :Firm . , Dethroning tthe Prince of Egypt BY JACOB OSLICK character surprising. For example, the minimal role. On the other hand, the window at Egypt's destruction, and al- Bible paints Moses as an eighty-year movie inserts Miriam and Zipporah al- ways seeing Moses' as a constant, per- INITIALLY HELD HIGH HOPES old man with a speech impediment most everywhere, including scenes that sonalnemesis. Ofcourse, the Bible clearly for Dreamworks' The Prince of when he returns to Egypt. He also lacks make little sense. Interestingly, the two enunciates that the Plagues resulted not I Egypt, an animated bio-epic about courage-demanding that G-d permit roles they have in the Biblical story go from brotherly aggrandizement, but to Moses. Before releasing the movie, his brother Aaron to speak for him, and unrecorded. For instance, the movie ig- display G-d's signs and wonders to !s- Dreamworks solicited the blessing of a stalling at an inn on the way back to nores a Biblical story about Zipporah rael, and convince Pharaoh to free her. plethora of religious leaders, from the Egypt. Yet, in the movie, Moses re­ saving Moses'life. Similarly, the movie Even the title suggests this problem. Christian Coalition to the President of mains young and virile, voiced elo­ contains no reference to Miriam's pro- Dreamworks titled this movie, "The quently by Val Kilmer (Val Kilmer?!). phetic abilities. PrinceofEgypt." As such, the title places Courageously, he faces Pharaoh with­ This last topic leads me to perhaps Moses, and specifically, Moses' Egyp- 7Iie Prince of1:gypt out the help of Aaron, and voices only my central problem with the movie, the tian, non-Hebraic qualities at the film's Directed by Nick Fletcher minimal protest to the All-Mighty. The relative absence of G-d and his mission center. No reference to the creation of a Dreamworks SKG Bible also portrays Moses as a flawed for Israel. While Moses is not inconse- nation, from bondage to sovereignty in hero. For example, when he kills an quential to the Biblical story, the Bible their own land, with a divine mission as Yeshiva University. Sadly, I found Egyptian whose beating a Hebre.w places the emphasis on the Exodus, not a priestly people. my.self immaculately disappointed. slave, he does so only after looking the individual. Symbolically, Jews today In fairness, The Prince of Egypt dis- Honestly this sounds egotistic, but I ensure none are around to witness the portray this by limiting references to plays the most stunning animation I've can't fathom what these ecclesiastical crime. In the movie, he literally leaps Moses in the Haggadah (a book read ever seen. In particular, the splitting of personalities find worthwhile in this over people and objects, to slay an Egyp­ during the Passover meal) to two orless. the Sea of Reeds (often mistranslated rag of a film. Specifically, the movie tian in broad sight of say, several thou­ Yet in the movie, the giving of the Torah Red Sea) left me breathless. And, despite transforms Moses from a dynamic, sand people. By correcting both his cons4ffies a grand total of maybe five the story's problems, it remains a good flawed leader into an action hero. As physical and spiritual defects, the movie seconds of screen time. Even G-d, played tale. It just is not the story of Moses. such, it switches the focus of the Exo­ castrates the essence of Moses, trans­ by, uh... Val Kilmer, seems removed from Further, everywhere they deviate from dus story from the establishment of forming him into a generic movie hero. the movie. Aside from the burning bush, the Biblical account they do so to the Israel as G-d's holy nation, to a sibling Although the movie disrespects the G-d comes into play maybe twice more movie's dramatic detriment. If you want rivalry (Moses and Pharaoh). story's strengths with respect to the eld­ - roughly a few seconds each time. This to see a marginal, but visually spectacu- Actually, considering the politically erly and handicapped, it p.c.'s towards is most telling during the Ten Plagues. lar movie, go see The Prince of Egypt. I correct climate among America's stu­ women. In the Bible, Miriam, Moses' The movie musically portrays the Ten personally recommend readingthebook dios, I found the alterations to Moses' sister, and Zipporah, his wife, play a Plagues with Pharaoh looking out l)is,·¥""-mstead.Mt

nate what their theory entail; the police the time of the shooting, and the Phila­ Of course, many of Mr. Jamal'" Mumia bribed or scared six witnesses (indud­ delphia Police Department has never supporters are more eloquent and civil continued from page 1 ing Mr. Jamal's own brother) into si­ owned a helicopter. As for the other then the gentlemen who publish MIM lence or testifying for the prosecution; a witness who insists he saw the shoot­ Notes. In fact, Mr. Holmquist remained extreme, but unemployed journalist, hospital security guard fabricated a ing, William Harmon, Mr. Wineglass calm and logical throughout our inter­ was present at the scene, the Philadel­ confession - despite reporting it to her considers his testimony So insignifi­ view. However, his civility belies the phia Police Department orchestrated a supervisor in writing the day of the cant (or fraudulent) that he didn't even fact that he relies upon the same flawed massive conspiracy to frame him. shooting; two police officers lied about mention Mr. Harmon in his June 17, theories as the "extremists." I must even Among other things, Mr. Jamal's sup­ hearing a similar confession, etc ... Of 1998 letter to the New York Times, al­ note that he successfully discredited porters claim that police coerced wit­ course, this theory implies that the po­ though he does mention both Ms. Jones prosecution witness Cynthia White. Yet, nesses into testifying towards an "ac­ lice placed a higher priority on framing and Mr. Singletary. both he and MIM assert, together with ceptable" version of events, fabricated an unemployed, marginal journalist On the other hand, the prosecu­ Mr. Wineglass, that Mr. Jamal is victim ballistics testimony, and concocted a than on catching a cop-killer. tion has produced five witnesses, most of a grand police conspiracy. Yet all faulty confession, all to silence Mr. To "prove" their theory, the de­ of them solid, confirming Mr. Jamal as provide only the flimsiest of proof of Jamal, whom they considered a fense presents five witnesses, only two the killer. They have produced con­ any conspiracy whatsoever. On the "threat." of which actually claim to have seen the crete ballistics testimony proving Offi­ other hand, all ignore convenient infor­ In fairness, certain irregularities shooting, yet all of whom display laugh­ cer Faulkner was shot from less than a mation. For example, Mr. Holmquist existed in the Abu Jamal case. Among able credibility. For example, one" star" foot away (unlike the defense witnesses, denied a written record of Mr. Jamal's other things, police never conducted a witness; Veronica Jones, while refusing who claim Faulkner was shot from a "hospital confession" existed. In real­ Neutron Activation Test (NAT) on Mr. to say she saw the shooting, admits to distance). They have produced proof ity, the state entered such a record into Jamal right after the shooting, to see if being heavily intoxicated by alcohol that Officer Faulkner was shot with a evidence at the 1982 trial. Even Mr. he fired a gun that morning. However, and pot at the time of the shooting. Not .38 caliber gun, the same gun found on Wineglass makes frequent references this anomaly existed not due to police only that, but she only changed her Mr. jamal's person at the scene. And, to witnesses seeing a perpetrator "run­ carelessness or oversight, but rather to story, for the fourth time (to state she unlike the unfounded accusations of ning away," from the crime scene, when the peculiar facts of the case. Specifi­ saw someone running at the crime Mr. Jamal's supporters, police officials in fact, they only testified to see some­ cally, Mr. Jamal struggled with the po­ scene), after a mysterious donor paid scrupulously avoided embellishing the one" running," and in one case, explic­ lice before they successfully appre­ two years' worth of back rent she owed evidence. For example, Mr. Wineglass itly denied seeing anyone "running hended and cuffed him. These two ac­ on her apartment. Another "key wit­ frequentlydtes as "proof" of Mr. Jamal's away." In short, manner, not methods tions immediately contaminated his ness," William Singletary, who claims innocence the fact that police never form the only differential between the hands, invalidating a NAT. In addi­ to have seen another man kill Faulkner, "sniffed" Mr. Jamal's gun to see if ithad whackos who publish MIM Notes, and tion, before expiring, Officer Faulkner purports a version of the events so im­ been fired that morning. However, if our local Free Mumia chapter. After alL succeeded in shooting Mr. Jamal, caus­ possible that even Leonard Wineglass, police were really intent on framing none can escape the sobering fact that ing police to rush him to the hospital for Mr. Jarnal's attorney, questions its truth­ Mr. Jamal, as the defense asserts, why their hero, Mumia Abu Jamal, mur­ surgery, bt'tore they ,'ollld do any tests. fulness. For example, Mr. Singletary didn't they iabricate a "sniff" test:' Not dered a Philadelphia Police Officer iI' }\llhough Uti, column does not claims he saw police helicopters at the only is this test authoritative, it abo can cold blood. 1111S fact is backed Ht:) ,:,ufikient room to ex amil1L' al~'~ crime scene, and that ~,fr. Jamal wore (, never be replicated. Tnerefore, had tl:,o' solid, nmltl-faceted evidence, even it cienunhcvery m\'th ~)ropagated ?\1r. /, safari 5Ujt like the Arabs wear." In police fabricated a' sniff" test,Mr. Jan~;;\i was produced ill a country A11M NAes Jamal's supporters, I will brieHy illUlTll- fact, Mr. Jamal was dressed normally at could never successfully dispute it. identifies as the "United Snakes," l\R

'~~","''''''''''~''''''{>~>'''''F'''''''''''"'''=<~1m'<_~~~~ ~ 1 _ I. 14 January 20, 1999

J.J Mus~he Tragically Hip's Rob Baker

BY MICHAEL AUSTIN range of cities. Kingston is a small town, mostly a University town. I guess you'd INCE THEIR FORMATION IN compare it to a Harvard or Princeton, Kingston, Ontario in 1986, the kind of the snooty upper-class type STragically Hip have grown to be­ schools. It also has eleven penitentia­ come one of Canada's biggest bands. With ries, so you have both sides of the coin a reputation for remarkable live perfor­ rubbing against each otl\er. It makes mances, they are finding loyal new fans things interesting in the bars across every day. The Tragically Hip's most re­ town. As a band coming out of Kingston cent release, Phantom Power, is the band's you can't just appeal to the college kids, eighth studio release. you also have to appeal to the bikers I had a chance to speak with the Tragi- and social workers. Its a pretty inter­ esting cross-section.

'Iragica[Ey 1iip Whats the typical group of fans you The Palace of Auburn Hills usually get at a show? Friday, February 12th I think it's a huge cross-section. We don't get too many young kids, but cally Hip's lead guitarist, Rob Baker, while there's a lot of college kids all the way all a break from their tour. They will be at up to people in their 30s and 40s. We the Palace of Auburn Hills on Friday, Feb­ The Tragically Hip enjoy a walk i"the woods kind of have a bad reputation that our ruary 12th, and are guaranteed to give you fans are the thick-necked ball cap wear­ your money's worth. ideas out. It used to be one person the show and that tells you whether ing type. They certainly exist, but I would come up with a whole song, but people like you or not. The record com­ think they're just the most vocal, so Michigan Review: How long are you we've kind of gotten away from that. pany is doing a good job. Theres so people remember them since they're in Kingston? Now everyone gives little snippets for many things that a lot of bands do, like the most visible. The same thing hap­ ideas and we go from there. That's the autographs or playing in stores, and pens in the States. We'll be playing to Rob Baker: Early next week we head way we write, sort of an organic pro­ we're not really comfortable with that. 1000 people, and maybe 50 of them will out to Toronto for a video shoot, then cess. In fact, Johnny [Fay] came tip with We're not very good at it either, so we- be Canadian. But they're all drunk as we go out to St. John's New Brunswick a guitar riff, and our drummer, so he just don't do them, probably to -our- hell and waving Canadian flags and for an arena tour. doesn't even play guitar, but that be­ detriment. . screaming and yelling, so aiter the con­ came "Thompson Girl." I had a little cert people say, "Man it was packed Have you found a lot more success in two-bar riff that eventually became Do you think the focus on live shows with Canadians." Its ftully, Canadians the United States with the new al­ "Poets," so a whole song came from builds a stronger fan base? Latelyyou are so non-nationalistic at home. Some bum? one little idea. see a lot groups with a hit single, but of these people become Captain Canada when the next album comes out every­ as soon as they cross the border. We We've certainly gotten more radio play, What's the best thing you give to a one has forgotten about them. certainly appreciate them driving and and all the shows have drawn well. I person that goes to a show? making the effort to see us, but back think on our last leg, only one show What happens is people become fans of home nobody would care for that. If drew fewer people than the previous Respect. We don't get up and give note a song, not fans of a band. When you some Americans went to see an Ameri­ one. for note versions of our songs. We get see someone live and you like them, can band in Toronto and they were up there and try to perform a unique you become a fan of the band. Most of waving U.s. flags, peoplejustwouldn't What do you think about playing big­ and intense version every time. An­ the bands we admire are like that also. tolerate it. So I think what's good for ger arenas now? I heard that you guys other thing is that for someone going to If you look at the Rolling Stones, they've the goose is good for the gander. 9 out prefer smaller venues. see us two nights in a row they won't certainly had success on the radio, but of 10 of our fans will behave. They'll see the same show twice. We just they've always been a live band. They're come looking for a good time and cheer I don't really have a preference. One wouldn't do that. Not only would we not that big of an album selling band, and everything and they'll get it. But thing with the United States is that we not do it, were incapable of it. I've been but they've been the number one tour­ there's always that tenth guy who gets , bounce around in venue size, so one disappointed by lots of bands that you ing act for the past 30 years. That's so excited that he drinks a two-four night you're playing an arena, the next go see three times and you find out they because people know when you go see before the shows and makes an idiot of night the State Theater, and a 400 per­ say the same things in between the the Rollmg Stones, you're going to get himself, and that's the Canadian. People son bar after that. It keeps you honest, same songs, and there's not much dif­ a good show. I'm not comparing us to like that are kind of a national embar­ it doesn't allow your head to get too ference from one live show to the next. the Rolling Stones, but we certainly rassment. big. As far as what we do on stage, we So I guess our shows have a lot of emulate them in that respect. don't really change much. With a big­ spontaneity that a lot of other shows Why have you stopped putting your ger arena, you have to put on a longer don't. Why has so much talent come out of pictures on the front of the album? show, around two hours. You know, Kingston? you have more lights, more P A, but It seems that you guys have built your None of us really like look,ing at our­ what the 5 of us are doing on stage is name mostly from touring, instead of I don't really know. It's a big place for selves, so we don't really have a desire essentially the same. I don't really have radio and video. hockey. Kingston's the birthplace of to do it. We're not really into th~ whole a preference. hockey, and we've had a lot of hockey promotional thing with getting our pic­ Playing is how we do it. If we get some players come out of here, Doug tures taken and all that. I can't imagine Who starts the creative process for a radio play it's great, and it's the same if Gilmour, Kirk Muller. Kingston is half­ someone looking at our faces in a record song? you have a hit video, but you canTdo way between Toronto and Montreal, store and saying, "Oh that looks inter- that to spread the word about your East and West; and halfway between It can come from anywhere, all five of band. We're certainly not tracking how Ottawa and Syracuse, North and South. Please see HIP on page 15 us write. Gord [Sinclair] writes almost many spins we get, or where we are on So you're able to go to a lot of big cities all of the lyrics, and all five give songs the charts. For us, you see the people at not far away, and that's a pretty wide

"'"'' ''''''''''', .. ,,- "._,.. " .._ ..... ""-- -_._- -,, .. _------, January 20, 1999 MIC!JlI G5t9.£~/JlI'E/WLlo/I9i(j CU£~ 15

J:J Music ,~ You Love Hair Bands Admit It! BY CHRIS HAYES guitar (make sure it is tuned) and deter­ case. Although these bands get dumped like the person you asked out or even mination to impress the one you love. It on every which way by the average kissed in junior high who now is less HAVE BEEN ACCUSTOMED is not too early to start thinking about college listener, everyone remembers attractive than your dog or is possibly to writing a liThe Year in Music" Valentine's Day. them and can probably recite some lyr­ behind bars. No one likes to admit these I piece for the January issue of the Jest if you must, but this is history ics. This is because these bands were things. They are skeletons in the closet. Michigan Review since I have been with here. I am tired of having to justify and popular. Extremely popular. Because However, this is your ego speaking. the paper. I have typically run down prove that the likes of Motley Crue, of our generation. That means you. Even if that person repulses you now, the past year's releases and given you o'r stole a car, who cares? There had to my empty opinion of what was worth­ be a reason for liking them back in the while and what was not. Pay attention, The catchy melodies in some of those day. There is nothing wrong with ad­ this year's review is going to be quick. songs are timeless. Who cares if they wore mitting and looking back on those Lauren Hill is overrated. So are the things without regret. Beasty Boys. Neither is good enough to tights and makeup? The music rocked. The same thing has to be done with be artist of the year. Outkast and those hair bands. If you don't like them Blackstar are the hip-hop artists to look Either way, admit you had Dr. FeelGood now, fine. I still think you're nuts. The into from 1998. catchy melodies in some of those songs Instead of buying Garbage's last in your very first Walkman. are timeless. Who cares if they wore record or REM's latest, invest in some tights and makeup? The music rocked. good old hard-rock greatest hits com­ Cinderella, Skid Row, and of course, Poison's rotation on MTV in 1990 was Either way, admit you had Dr. Fee/Good pilations from hair bands of the 80's. Poison have a place in every listener's insane. "Nothing but a Good Time," in your very first Walkman. I do, and I Skid Rowand Motley Crue both put CD collection. I am aware that most "Every Rose Has It's Thorn," and am a better person for it. And while you out "best of" records in 1998, and people will not take my tone seriously, "Fallen Angel" were huge singles be­ are becoming a fine human being, get Poison's greatest hits is only $9 .99 at but I am talking about a very iinportant ing shown left and right. Someone(ac­ in touch with that special someone from most record stores. Any of these are a and sensitive issue for myself as a lis­ tually a lot} had to be buying the Open the seventh grade. Washtenaw County sure fire hit, especially with the ladies. tener. I have heard the excuses before; Up and Say .. .Ahh! record. Yet everyone Jail's visiting hours are 12-3 Monday Any intelligent and sensitive woman "They all look gay," or "They are so denies his or her interest in these bands. through Saturday. Mt will melt if you serenade her with an friggin' cheezy," or simply "They just I have a theory on this. I believe accoustic rendition of Poison's "Every suck." These quotes can be applied to people are embarrassed by actually en­ Chris Hayes is the music ~ditor orthe Rose Has It's Thorn" or Warrant's any of the above bands. There is some­ joying the likes of Poison. That is fine. I Review. ' "Heaven./I All you really need is a cheap thing not being totally explored in this can mildly understand this. It is ki.rtQof

Hip Your ad could have gone here. Continued from page 14

esting./I It should be the music that Cheap~ Really cheap. speaks for the band. It's mostly the labels, they like to have your picture on the early records. When we changed labels over to Sire we were worried However,n"O""Ol)e chose to 'pJlrchase this they'd want our pictures on a cover. So ... JJ."' .... -~~ -. -,"~~'.-Io' we put out a live album, which has pictures allover it for our first release, ad space ;:c~))d we couldn't ~~ipk:"~of any- i.,~.l__ ... I r." 'I. ~r. _ r .. ': r:::i ~_r.'l::l· I fo ,. "1, which made them happy. thing funny to s8.:~ So you get to control the look of the CD and the booklet now?

Yeah. Every one of us has his own little job in the band, I get to be the art direc­ Sb , l~~ loQks like everybody '7 Iost out~ tor. I guess since Road Apples, I've been doing all that. Mt

election directors were indeed running board member, questioned the motives proof that a violation actually existed, things fairly," said Keslacy. "A lot of behind the recent barrage of complaints. it would not be fair to punish a candi­ MSA violations [slipped] through the cracks "Are they really doing that because date who had been falsely accused. "In Continued from page 5 and [were] never counted.... I believe they think there's been a miscarriage of both ways, it's not fair. So you have to that Kym Stewart had more than justice, or are they doing it because find a way that you can try to base it on scrutiny," he said. "Everybody's reluc­ enough violations to have her disquali­ they're bitter?" evidence, on what the election board tant to disqualify people." fied, but because Alex Hovan and his Keslacy stated that" a general ac­ has actually seen. ... That's the best way In light of the problems surround­ underlings were slow and unable to ceptance of these rules by the different to do it." rvR ing enforcement of the Election Code, find them, she remained." parties was an integral part of having a If you have read this far, you some may ask this question: if election A current MSA representativ~, who fair election. Many [candidates Jseemed rules are not consistently applied to all wished to remain anonymous, claims not to think so." are definitely Review mate­ candidates, and to all instances of pos­ that "people like Kim Stewart, Jen MSA President ·Trent Thompson rial! See the back page for sible violations, is a fair election truly VanRoeyen, and the entire DAAP vio­ acknowledged that when true viola­ information on our upcoming possible? lated the hell out of the election rules." tions go unpunished, "no, it's not fair." mass meeting. "It is hard to say whether ornot the Mark Sherer, fall 1998 election But he pointed out that without hard

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