Coming Clean | Covenant Eyes
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Coming Clean Overcoming Lust Through Biblical Accountability Endorsements Coming Clean is user friendly, Biblically based, and practical. Few are as qualified as “ Luke Gilkerson to write on the subject, and few resources are as well written as this one. Consider it a must. – Joe” Dallas, author of The Game Plan and Five Steps to Breaking Free from Porn It is becoming cliché to say a book is both gospel-centered and highly practical. That’s “ too bad, because that’s exactly what I want to say about Gilkerson’s Coming Clean. As a counselor who knows the impact a solidly grounded, well-equipped accountability partner can make in people’s lives, I would put this short book at the top of my list for anyone trying to walk alongside a man or woman struggling to overcome sexual sin. – Alasdair Groves, Director of Counseling, CCEF New England” Luke Gilkerson’s book about fighting temptation by locking arms with an accountability “ partner provides the reader with a well-written and practical resource. I would urge anyone who wants to fight and win the battle for purity to read this book and pass it along to a friend. ” – Bill Perkins, author of When Good Men are Tempted and When Young Men are Tempted, President of Million Mighty Men Coming Clean is invaluable for all of us, especially so if you have an addiction to “ pornography. This affirming message of healing and hope through godly accountability is a must read—a gem to be treasured. – Shelley Lubben, former porn” star and author of The Truth Behind the Fantasy of Porn Coming Clean | 2 How to Use This Book This book was written primarily as a guide for those who use Covenant Eyes Internet Accountability software. When you use Covenant Eyes, a report of your Internet activity is e-mailed to someone you trust, like a friend, a mentor, or your spouse. These reports are designed to be conversation starters about the temptations you face and the choices you make online. Internet Filtering is also available. Learn more and sign up for Covenant Eyes at www.covenanteyes.com. Available for: Windows®, Mac OS®, Android™ phones and tablets, iPhone®, iPod touch®, and iPad® Coming Clean | 3 Table of Contents Introduction: No Private Solutions to Lust 6 Part 1: Understanding Accountability Chapter 1: Sexy Pics and Secrecy 8 Chapter 2: The Pillars of Accountability 11 Chapter 3: Why Accountability Fails 15 Chapter 4: Strong Ropes & a Ten-String Lyre 21 You are free to distribute print copies of this e-book to anyone you choose. As a courtesy, e-mail us at [email protected] and let us know you are doing this so we can keep www.covenanteyes.com you informed of other similar resources. 1.877.479.1119 To distribute this e-book electronically, we ask that you share the page: www.covenanteyes.com/ 1525 W. King St., PO Box 637 accountability-partner-ebook Owosso, MI 48867 For more information about sharing our materials Copyright © 2013 Covenant Eyes, Inc. electronically, see: All rights reserved. www.covenanteyes.com/permissions-policy/ Table of Contents Part 2: Internet Accountability: The Nitty-Gritty Details Chapter 5: Getting Started: 10 Steps 28 Chapter 6: Spouses and Accountability 33 Part 3: More Resources Appendix A: First 4 Accountability Meetings 39 Appendix B: Discussion Guide 43 Appendix C: All the One-Anothers 49 About the Author Luke Gilkerson Luke is the general editor and primary author of the Covenant Eyes blog. Luke has a BA in Philosophy and Religious Studies from Bowling Green State University and an MA in Religion from Reformed Theological Seminary. Before working at Covenant Eyes he spent six years as a campus minister at the University of Toledo. He lives with his wife Trisha and four sons in Owosso, MI. Introduction No Private Solutions to Lust “So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.” – 2 Timothy 2:22 The above passage is probably one of the most concise bits of advice in the Bible about how to fight lust. In this text Paul lists three essential steps: (1) run from, (2) run toward, and (3) run with. We are told to run from youthful passions, the cravings of lust. This includes physically fleeing: running away from tempting situations. This includes visually fleeing: shifting our eyes away from lustful images. This includes mentally fleeing: bouncing our thoughts away from lustful imaginations. We are told to run toward a life of righteousness, faith, love, and peace. Our hearts were not meant to be devoid of passion. Running from lust is not about emptying our minds and hearts, but being filled with God, knowing He is the one who will satisfy our hearts forever. Last, we are told to run with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. We must not only run from lust and toward God, we must do so with Christian companions. We must all find friends for this stretch of the road who share our convictions and have a genuine desire to follow Christ. When we want freedom from our nagging habitual sins, we often want a private solution to our seemingly private problem. We don’t want to involve anyone else. But what if the Bible doesn’t point us to private solutions? What if Christian accountability relationships are one of God’s means of changing us from the inside out? This last step—run with—is what this book is about. Coming Clean | 6 Part 1: Understanding Accountability Chapter 1 Sexy Pics and Secrecy A group of researchers at Newcastle University observed the littering behavior of students in a university cafeteria. Posters at eye-level displayed pictures of human eyes staring out at the hungry students all around the cafeteria. Strangely, researchers discovered people were twice as likely to clean up after themselves when surrounded by eye-posters.1 This and other studies suggest that even on a subconscious level, we modify our behavior if our brain tells us we’re being watched. Even though I know the eyes on those posters can’t see me, I am wired in such a way to pay attention to them. When it comes to facing Internet temptations, knowing others are watching us can change the way we behave—and there are good biblical reasons for this. The Triple-A Engine of Porn From the earliest days of the Internet, social scientists have noted the online disinhibition effect.2 Basically, people say and do things online that they wouldn’t say or do in their “real lives.” This goes for pornography and cybersex as well. Several years ago the late psychologist Alvin Cooper theorized that Internet pornography was alluring because of three primary factors: It is accessible, affordable, and anonymous—what he called the “Triple-A Engine.” These three aspects of Internet pornography open the door wide to online temptations.3 1. Max Ernest-Jones, et. al., “Effects of eye images on everyday cooperative behavior: A field experiment,” Evolution and Human Behavior 32 (2011). 2. John Suler, “The Online Disinhibition Effect,” CyberPsychology and Behavior 7 (2004). 3. Al Cooper. Cybersex: The Dark Side of the Force. (Philadelphia: Brunner-Routledge, 2000). Coming Clean | 8 Little can be done about the affordability of pornography: it is freely available at hundreds of thousands of online portals. And unless you eliminate all contact to computers and smartphones, porn will always be accessible in some fashion. This is why many people seek to remove the third factor: anonymity. If I no longer have the option to see pornography in secret, I’m much less likely to view it at all. If someone I trust is monitoring where I go online, I will be more likely to avoid temptations altogether. This is why hundreds of thousands of Christians use Internet Accountability Software. If a friend of mine receives a weekly report of everywhere I’ve been online, with each webpage rated and categorized for questionable content, I will be more likely to think twice about what I search for and what I click on. Secrecy and Sexual Sin Secrecy and sexual sin often go hand-in-hand. The apostle Paul said those whose lives are marked by sexual immorality, impurity, and greed (Ephesians 5:3) commit these shameful acts “in secret” (v.12). Paul likens this way of life as hiding in “darkness” (v.8, 11). Sin seeks out the darkness so its deeds are not exposed to God or to others (John 3:20). Christians are meant to walk in the light. Among other things, this means we must fight the illusion of secrecy We must fight the and fight our tendency to want to create private corners illusion of secrecy where sin can thrive. and fight our This is especially true in an age like our own tendency to want where there are thousands of digital corners in to create private which to hide. corners where sin can thrive. Accountable to God As far as our relationship with God goes, one of the great motivators God has given us to avoid sin is the knowledge that He sees all we do. Paul calls Christians “children of the light” (1 Thessalonians 5:5), those united by faith to the Light of the World (John 8:12) and living in the light of Jesus’ return. We know that God is real, that Christ has come, that He is our Lord, and that He is coming again to set all things right—and these are sobering thoughts.