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The two full-page photographs qf Rabbi Moshe Feinstein '.:!"!fl that graced the Oc tober issue (pages 9 and 31) were supplied by Elite Studios. Photo on page 15 was THE JEWISH FAMILY supplied by Moshe Milene. 5 THE JEWISH OBSERVER (ISSN) How to Raise Children by Really Trying 0021-6615 is published monthly Rabbi Chaim Dov Keller except July and August. by the Agudath Israel ofAmerica, 5 Beek 11 man Street. New York, N.Y. 10038. Training Children Not to Speak "Lashon Hora" Second class postage paid at New Rabbi Zelig Pliskin. York, N.Y. Subscription $18.00 per year; two years. $30.00; three years, 15 $40.00. Outside of the United Love and Marriage States (US funds only) $10 sur Rabbi David Gottlieb charge per year. Single copy: $2.50; foreign: $3.00. Send address 20 changes to The Jewish Observer. 5 Beekman St.. N.Y .. N.Y. 10038. The Battle For The Jewish Family Printed in the U.SA Rabbi Mattisyahu Solomon 23 RABBI NISSON WOLPIN Edito' Getting Ready for Shabbos/Preparing for Moshiach Mrs. Hadassah Becker Editorial Board DR. ERNST BODENHEIMER 29 Chairman Shabbos: A Time For All Ages RABBI JOSEPH ELIAS Dr. Meir Wikler JOSEPH FRIEDENSON RABBI NOSSON SCHERMAN 33 RABBI MOSHE SHERER For Our Youth (Books in Review) Management Board NAFTOLI HIRSCH The Story of the Sha'agas Aryeh/The Story of the Steipler Gaon/ ISAAC KIRZNER The Best of Olomeinu, Book 7 /The Floating Minyan of Pirates RABBI SHLOMO LESIN Cove/Shuki's Upside-Down Dream/Tales from the Yeshiva World NACHUM STEIN and Tales From the Rebbe's Table/Modeh Ani Means Thank You/Something to Sing About/Piece to Jerusalem/Try For a RABBI YOSEF C. GOLDING Business Manager Dream
THE JEWISH OBSERVER does not as 38 sume responsibility for the Kashrus of Outreach any product or service advertised in its Rabbi Hillel Belsky pages. ©Copyright 1986 39 Up reach Devorah Rosen NOVEMBER 86, VOL. XIX. NO. 8 42 Letters to the Editor How to share in the z'ch11s of a Dayan.
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HOWTORAISE CHILDREN BY REALLY TRYING
Shlomo HaMelech, the wisest Qf all men, put it succinctly: "Train the child according to his way, then even when he grows old he will not departfrom it" (Mishlei 22.BJ. Now, how are we to put this advice into practice?
DEDICATED TO THE TASK institutions for boys and girls, from Obviously the subject of raising pre-nursei:y through Seminai:y and children is one of great importance he phenomenal resurgence of Kolle!. We have been eminently suc to many people. In order not to mis Torah Judaism in our day cessful in training a generation of lead or disappoint anyone, let us T can, in great measure, be at bnei Torah and bnos Yisroel keshei state at the outset that what follows tributed to the great emphasis ros. But have we been as successful is not a discussion of child psychol placed by Orthodox Jews on chi in raising well-balanced children? ogy. It will offer no specific solutions nuch habonim. We have created an Or have we, in our great preoccupa to specific problems. It is, rather, a impressive network of educational tion with the schooling of our chil general discussion of some basic dren, in our zeal to impart Torah Torah principles which (to borrow a This is an adaption of excerpts from a two-part knowledge and inspire mitzva ob phrase from the Mesillas Yesha seminar on Chlnuch by Rabbi Chaim Dov Keller, Rosh Hayeshiva ofTelshe Yeshiva. Chicago. Tapes servance, neglected what may be at rim), have been neglected precisely of the full seminar are available by writing to least equally important-their dev because they are so well known. C.I.T.Y .. 3535 West Foster Avenue, Chicago, Illi Although Sefer Mishlei is replete nois 60625 {as per advertisement elsewhere in elopment as well-adjusted ethical this issue]. human beings-as "mentschen"? with advice on child-rearing, one
The Jewish Obseroer I November, 1986 5 pasuk summarizes it best: 1Yl? iun (Avos, 4,20). That clean slate is the 'll1,1J11 '~ ?y-''Train the child ac neshama of the child himself. What cording to his way, then even when we too often fail to realize is that he grows old, he will not tum aside writing on that slate takes place not from it." This pasukis the source of only when we formally teach the the mitzva d'Rabannan of chi child. The myriad impressions he nuch-training children in mitzvos receives from those to whom he looks (to be distinguished from the mitzva for guidance and from his peers are d'Oraisa of teaching one's son To written almost indelibly on that rah, which we learn from "Veshi slate. In the positive sense, chinuch nantom levonecha . .. and you shall is most meaningful and most effec teach your sons" Kiddushin, 3la). tive when dealing with the naar Let us examine this pasuk accord the young person. ing to the profound yet remarkably simple insights ofRabbeinu Yonah • which encompass the basic rules of TAKE HIS WAYS INTO ACCOUNT raising children. Then. as Hillel said, "The rest is commentary-go forth '~ l pi darko--in accordance and learn." with his way." When train- ing a child, being a role BEGINNING WITH "CHANOCH" model for a child, directing a child, or correcting a child, one must bear in he first word, "chanoch," is mind his derech, his way. Rabbeinu the source for the term chi Yonah explains that the process of training a child must start with fo T nuch, which is usually trans lated as "education." Actually it has cusing on those areas of improve the same root as such commonly ment that are closest to his nature, used expressions as "Chanuka," proceeding step by step. in accord "Chanukas Habayis," and "Cha ance with the child's stage of devel nukas Hamizbe'ach"-it denotes opment at any given time. This is implicit in the word derech-path an initiation. a dedication of some The next word in the pasuk, thing by its initial use. For example, referring to the road the child is "1yi?-the child," is the object of our traveling. the dedication of the k'lei shareis, chinuch efforts. Chinuch, to be ef the utensils of the Reis Hamikdash, Being on a derech-on the road, fective, explains Rabbeinu Yonah, so to speak-implies movement. And, was through their initial use-avo must begin when the person is still dasam mechanchasam This initial indeed, every human being by nature young, and there is the possibility is not static: he is dynamic. in a con use invested them with the kedusha and the necessity-to train him. In for which they were intended. In its stant state of change. Regarding the the early stages of his growth, his pasukin Mishlei (15,24): narrowly defined sense, the mitzva intellectual skills have not yet devel of chinuch habonim refers to the oped. He does, however, have an il\Jl'.J 'JlN\!Jn llU 1YD'J 'J~JWD'J il'JY)'JJ D"n nllN introduction of a child to the obser inborn nature all his own, and tends "For the wise man, the path of life vance of mitzvos. In a broader sense, to behave in ways that are often leads upward, in order to avoid the says, Rabbeinu Yonah, 'You must socially unacceptable. Without the grave below." the Vilna Gaon com train the child in the ways of midas intelligence required for self-criti ments that a person is forever mov tovos and in the ways of proper con cism and improvement, that nature. ing from one level to another. If he is duct," a much further reaching im left alone, will take its course. With wise. his way of life-the road he perative. Unfortunately many of our out benefit of chinuch, he will grow travels-leads constantly upward. If most dedicated young parents in accustomed to certain patterns of not, he will inevitably head down their zeal to initiate their children conduct, and will later find it ex ward. How much more so is this true into the study of Torah and the ser tremely difficult to change those of children. There is nothing con vice of Hashem come to look at them patterns. The classic simile is that of stant about a child. Anyone who has as mini Torah tape recorders or little the bent sapling that can easily be ever observed a child knows that mitzva machines. They fail to realize set straight while it is still young and from the day he is born he is con the obvious-that children are dev pliable. Once it has grown crooked stantly changing. eloping human beings. and that and hardened, little can be done to In addition to telling us that every someone has to assume responsibili straighten it. one is on a path, the words "al pi ty for the course of that development. The Mishna tells us that when one darko" inform us that the path is *Rabbeinu Yonah Gerondi (of Gerona, Spain), learns with a child, it is like writing individualized-the path is exclu 1180-1263. \vith ink on a clean piece of paper sively his own. Losing sight of this
6 The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 The words "al pi darko" inform us that each child's path is individualized. Losing sight Qf this obviousjact can lead to disastrous consequences. obvious fact can lead to disastrous which he is able to absorb the con ready to dwell in the succa. To put consequences-some correctable. cepts... ? What sort of timetable are tzitzis on a boy still in diapers or to some unfortunately not. It is thus we making for this child to become a force a child that cries repeatedly for important to consider the various gaon, a tzaddik? A parent must rec his mother at night to sleep in a factors that define the child's own ognize that a child is not an adult: he succa is not an act of chinuch. it is derech. Rabbeinu Yonah lists three is an adult in training-no different counter-chinuch. Chinuch is train considerations: (a) the child's cur from an adult being trained in any ing a child to do a mitzva properly; rent stage of emotional and intellec new skill. One cannot expect anyone not to make a sham or shpiel of it, tual development, (b) his potential to become a master craftsman when nor to teach him concepts that he's rate of comprehension, and (c) the he has just started the training not prepared to accept. Similarly, at direction of his natural inclinations. course. It takes a while. In this case, a later state to force a child to sit and For example, if you want to teach a the course is a long one. It takes a learn Gemora for long uninterrupt child Aleph-Bais, you have to know: lifetime and then some for a person ed periods of time when he simply is Is this child emotionally and in to become a "mentsch." As Reb Yis not prepared to do so can turn him tellectually ready to learn Aleph roel Salantercommentson the latter off from learning. Bais? Then, how much can he ab half of the pasuk of "chanoch .. .'': No less an authority than the sorb in each session? You may think, "And when he is old, he will not Rambam gives us guidelines for "My son is an iluy, a genius, so we'll depart from the path"-that is, the motivating children. The Rambam start him onAleph-Baisat two years. path of self-improvement. of train tells us that Antignos !sh Socha was He should be able to get up to Yud by ing one's self in the midos tovos. Set sharply criticized by the Sages for the first day. Another ten letters the ting someone on a lifetime course saying" "Do not be like those ser next day, and by the end of the week surely requires at least a bit more vants who serve their master to re he should be ready to start the Sid thought and effort than most people ceive a reward, but be like those ser dur. After another week or two, he'll put into it. vants who serve their master not to be starting Chumash." For an ex Finally, and perhaps of greatest receive a reward" (Avos 1,3-See ceptionally gifted child this is theo importance, do we ask ourselves: Pirush ef Rambam). retically possible. But for most it is Does this program fit the child's in Two great disciples of Antignos patently Iidiculous. But don't we dividual nature? !sh Socho, namely Tzaddok and make similarly Iidiculous mistakes Let us elaborate on each of these Baysus, misunderstood his words. all the time? In the case of the Aleph three points. When they heard this reference to Bais, we all realize that this program serving G-d without any ultelior is beyond the normal two year-old ONE: STARTING POINT TO motives, they reasoned: "Is it possi child. Even if we give him another FULFILLMENT ble that a person should work for a year, and he's three, what is the master and not get paid? Does this length of his attention span? How ctually, the Gemora deals mean that we're going to serve the long can you talk to a three year-old with how to determine an Ribbono Shel Olam our entire life on any subject? No more than min A individual's starting point times and not receive anything in utes at a time. for chinuch in various mitzvos, for return?" But do we keep these considera there is a degree of maturity neces As a result, they rejected all rab tions in mind when it comes to saiy for assuming each of the vart binic teachings. and founded the inculcating a child with midos ous responsibilities one has as a Tzedukim and Baysusim move tovos-developing a sense of res Jew. Among the examples cited by ments, which were the forerunners ponsibility, a well-balanced person the Gemora (Succa 44a): When a ofall the deviant groups in Judaism, ality, concern for others? Before tiy child knows how to talk, it is time to up to and including the present-day ing to imbue a four or five-year old train him to say ''Torah tziva lanu Reform and Conservatives move with weighty concepts, do we take Moshe." When a child is able to dress ments. All because Antignos !sh into account ifhe is even prepared to himself. he is ready to wear tzitzis. Socha preached a level of service deal with these concepts? And if so, When he demonstrates a degree of that was beyond the reach of do we tiy to determine the rate at independence of his mother, he is Tannaiml
The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 7 This moved the chachamim to ways engage in the study of Torah son can fit into Torah and mitzvos. direct all future generations of and in mitzvos shelo lishma-even Every neshama can develop into a teachers: 'Wise men. be careful of if his activity is not for the highest tzaddik. Yet G-d made each ne your words" (Avos, !, 11). Do not motive-for he will eventually reach shama different. Just as no two make lofty pronouncements, be they lishma. Any person, and surely a people are identical in appearance, ever so true, unless you are sure of child, cannot be treated as though so are no two people endowed with your audience. Don't give any high he Is only in the heavens. Like Yaa identical characteristics (Midrash sounding mussar shmuessen to kov's ladder, his feet must be on the Bamidbar Rabba 21,2). There is a kids who don't understand what ground. But ultimately, his head fulfillment for each neshama that you're talking about. or to common must reach heaven. He must have conforms to its own natural pattern people who are not able to grasp the something higher to which he of behavior. The Gaon warns us not message, or even to talmidei chacha aspires. to force one neshama into the mold mim who are liable to misunder Children must see in their parents of another. stand your words. that they too aspire to something loftier-not money, not a new house, THE IDEAL SCHOOL: AT HOME or a grand vacation. They must see THE RAMBAM'S TIMETABLE by their conduct that they too aspire to learn Torah lishma-and to be ut we must raise a question he Rambam (Pirush Ha better persons. that may disturb some peo mishnayos Sanhedrin, In B ple. Who is responsible for T troduction to I 0th Perek) ap THE VARIOUS FACETS OF putting this chinuch into effect? plies the concept of tailoring the "DAR.KO" Contrary to the literature dissemi message to the listener in advising nated by schools and yeshivas, the the parent how to train his child: ow let us discuss the third of ideal chinuch system is not to be When the child is taken to a me!a Rabbeinu ''Yonah's aspects of found in educational institutions. It med. he is not intrinsically inter N darko: dealingwith the child's is not a product of modem facilities. ested in learning. Tell him. "I'll give Individual nature. In explaining the state-of-the-art equipment and the you some sweets." The child res word darko, the Vilna Gaon says pooled efforts ofgreat principals and ponds to this. When he gets older, that every human being is born un master teachers. The ideal system of he'll learn foranewpairof shoes, ora der a certain mazal, with specific education is, as the Torah says, new suit. Later he responds to fi natural tendencies. The Gemora tells "v'shinantom levanecha": the par nancial rewards. After a while, he us that a person born under the ent teaches the child, one to one. can be told: ''You will be a great tal mazal of Maadim has a tendency to This is the optimum situation be mid chacham, and everybody will spill blood. If he becomes a tzaddik cause the parent ideally knows his stand up for you. You may be a when he grows up. he will be a own child and knows what the child dayan. Kavod HaTorah will be mohel: if he grows up to be a rasha, is prepared to do, how quickly the yours." That level of motivation can he'll be a bandit: as a beinoni (of child can advance and what the last for quite a long time. It is also average righteousness), he will be a child's nature is. essential to know the proper timing shochet No matter what his level. Our contemporary system of pub for substituting the pair of shoes for shedding blood is in his very nature lic education, consisting of classes the package of nuts, the money for and cannot be repressed. To this and schools, which was instituted the shoes, and so on. When a person Vilna Gaon comments that any at by Rabban Yehoshua ben Gamla gets older. you can tell him about the tempt to mold this person into 2,000 years ago (Bava Basra 2Ja), rewards of Olam Habba. But even something other than one who sheds was a necessary accommodation for that level oflearning is still not JOO blood is doomed to failure. He will those children that either had no percent lishma-not purely for the never be a concert pianist! All efforts parents or whose parents were In sake of Heaven. Finally, hewill attain to train the child must be al pi capable of teaching them. Our the level of being able to pursue darko, consistent with his own ten schools, with their tightly structured truth for its own sake. In summary. dencies. Then "even when he grows programs. represent a compromise the Rambam says: Don't try to con older he will not tum aside from it." involving necessary evils. vince young people to learn Torah But if he is forced into a mold not in One of the basic shortcomings is for its own sake. Of course they accord with his nature. when he the grouping of twenty or thirty should learn Torah because Hashem grows older and is on his own, he children of different natures, differ wants them to, but make sure that will revert to his natural tendencies. ent backgrounds, and different there's something in it for them as How many people are frustrated needs into one class. Furthermore, well, until they are able to deal with because they had wanted to be one classes, for the most part. are put the concept of Torah lishma (Pesa type of person and their parents together not by tests of individual chim 4). pushed them in a different direc ability, but by an artificial stan This is what the sages meant when tion. One cannot make a child into dard-age, with all sorts of artifi they said that a person should al- something that he's not. Every per- cially determined "cutoff' dates. Are
8 The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 In dealing with children, the training course is a long one: it takes a lifetime and then somefor a person to become a mentsch.
all adults of the same age as smart as with certain general principles, he one another? Then why assume that can often manage to work out the all children of the same age are of details or at least have the aware equal intelligence? And then. there ness to ask for advice. (I) Parents are different aspects of intelli must realize that school is not the gence-and emotional maturity all-encompassing vehicle for their that develop independently of one child's chinuch, but that they are another. Only an unusually gifted also prime doers in his chinuch. that teacher can treat 20 or 30 children to simply provide for their child's as individuals, use the program that needs, offer him tender loving care, was designed for an entire class. and and then just react to problems as tailor it to the needs and capacities they arise are not enough. They must of each individual child. assume an active role in directing By necessity, the teacher in the his development. If a child is not classroom teaches at a median level, directed, there is no doubt about it which will more or less satisfy the he is going to have bad midas. It needs of the majority of the class. doesn't help if we just scold him or Then, depending on the skills of the punish him when he's bad. We have rebbi ormorah.heorshewilldevote to train him to be good. special attention to exceptional (2) Whatever parents do in terms children-both those that are espe of directing their children, it is cru cially gifted and those below class cial that the child feel that his level, so that these children can also certain extent. But the main work of mother and father are on his side, be gainfully occupied and benefit. character building, whether con that they are there to guide him and Our system is not optimum but sciously or by default, is done by the help him find his direction, not just merely the best we can come up with. parents. Unfortunately, many par to knock him down when he steps Parents must therefore realize that entsare very poorly equipped forthe out ofline. Most problems arise when if they intend to slough off the entire task. And not because they did not parents and children become adver· responsibility for the chinuch of take Child Psychology 102, or read saries.As the Tanna says in descrtb their children onto the school, they the almost inexhaustible current li ing the chaotic era immediately pre· are looking for trouble. Parents must terature on the subject, but because ceding Moshiach's coming:"'"" 'l'lN be actively involved in what the of certain basic inadequacies in 1n'l "O)N-"A man's enemies are the school-almost by definition-can their understanding of what it members of his household" (Mish not do, in the way of training the means to be a parent. nah at end of Sotah). This does not child according to his unique indi mean that the parent never pun vidual derech. ishes. On the contrary, Shlomo Ha This individual consideration is NO MAGIC FORMULA, BUT, . , melech tells us-"Whoever spares especially crucial in molding the his rod hates his child but he that character of the child to be a his is a challenge for which loves him chastises him early" mentsch. It is virtually impossible there are no magic formulas. (Mishlei 13,33).Agoodruleofthumb for a teacher with a number of chil T Sometimes a solution may is: "Be firm, be fair, and be friendly." dren in a class to raise well-balanced emerge from simply recognizing the Finally, (3) the parents-both children. That teacher can teach problem and diagnosing its source. mother and father-must realize the Torah, can pass on certain general Once the attention of an intelligent simple truth that not all children are rules in midas tovos to the children, person has been directed to a prob alike. Everybody who has more than and can serve as a role model to a lem and he has been acquainted one child recognizes this immedi·
The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 9 ately. You can serve them all the obviously not fit or inclined to follow in spiritual matters. We must meet same supper. but you can't give them the parents' derech. even when the our own children's needs. not have all the same chinuch. Parents. then, profession is not an established fa. them simply follow in lock step with cannot relinquish the responsihility mily tradition. but just that of the the neighbors' children. Ben Zoma of raising their children. The mother father. When carried to the extreme, in the Mishna tells us, 'Who is the and the father must take the time to this can seriously disturb the char gibor. the man of strength? He who figure out what makes each child acter development of the child and conquers his evil inclination." The tick. to determine his individual even inflict him with severe emo stress is on his own yeitzer hora derech. tional damage. not on someone else's. In our society, But one must walk a very fine line Another common phenomenon of there is a trendiness in mitzvos and between treating the child as an misjudging the child's own derech in areas of study. What may be fine individual and the equally impor· is what can be called the Bechor for the population at large, may not tant principle of the Sages: "A per Syndrome. In this manifestation of necessarily be the thing that my son should never favor one child the problem, the parent. usually the child needs at this stage of his devel over the other children" (Shabbos father, has typically not realized his opment. Others may require em 1 Ob). The chachamim illustrate the own full potential: his game is half phasis on avoiding lashon hara, potential for destruction that can way played out. He's not going to while mine may still need to be come from favoritism with the fact change. His son, and it's usually the taught to keep his hands to himself. that because of two coins worth of first-born son, carries the burden of Someone else's child may benefit wool that Yaakov invested in a coat his father's unfinished agenda. He is from enrichment in Mishnayos, forYoseif. over what he spent for his going to be his second chance. What while my little boy may need the time brothers, the brothers envied him, makes the bechor particularly sus to review his Chumash. While the and this triggered the sequence of ceptible to this type of mismanage "in-thing" in the yeshiva may be to events that led to galus Mitzra· ment is a combination of the par say over a "Reh Chaim," my son may yim .... Treat each one as an indi ents' romantic enthrallment with still need training in how to learn vidual. yet one must not receive more having brought a new human being pshat is a Tosajos! than the other: If you do something into the world, with an unlimited After all is said and done, after we for one child at a certain stage of potential for accomplishment. cou have ingested all the words of the his/her development. you must do pled with their lack of expertence Chachamimand all the advice of the · the same for the other children. and knowledge of what to expect experts on raising children. after we And of course. a mother or father from this little neshamaat any given have used all the accepted methods should never say or even intimate time. The child's derech. if properly and applied our own innovation we that one child is the favorite. My understood, will take him to his own must realize that. just as in every grandmother had four sons and one destiny, not necessarily to that of his human endeavor, without Siyata daughter, who was the youngest. parents'. The parents must always D'Shomaya-the help of G-d-we Friends would tell her. 'We know bear this in mind, as painful or dis can never succeed. It's not for who your favorite is." And she would appointing as this may be. nothing that frumme Yiddishe lift up her five fingers and say, It is equally important to realize mammas pray to the Almighty be 'Which one is my favorite? They're that the second child is not a clone of fore licht bentschen for the zechus all my fingers." the first. The second child also to raise children and children's represents a new experience for the children who will be Chachamim WHOSE ROAD IS HE TO parents. It is their first "other child." and Nevonim. wise and understand· TRAVEL? This can be especially burdensome ing, who will be Ohavei Hashem to number two when the parents v'yirei Hashem, who love and fear l pi darko also means to con succeed with child number one. G-d, who will be men and women of sider the child's derech Hence the celebrated "middle child." truth who will enlighten the world A his way. in contrast with the with Torah and ma'asim tovim. derech of others. The chachamim Every morning we pray to Hashem tell us that a person should not THE ROAD WELL TRAVELED . . . N'i1 i111i11J 'J '.l1'.l1)'l/ nnvJ 'P1?N "My change from the profession of his G-d, the soul that You have put in me father (Eirechin 16b). It should be he emphasis on darko-the is pure." To paraphrase that Tefilla: easier for a person to be brought up child's own individual path May we be given the understanding in a family which has a certain tradi· T has yet another implication: to realize that the soul that You have lion, and it is obviously easier for not living for the neighbors. This given to me, the soul of my child, him to adopt the family profession. statement may sound rather super which You have entrusted to me. is But this is not an absolute. Many fluous. but people have a tendency to holy and pure, and that as long as I parents make the error of trying to neglect what is essential for their have that trust, I will do whatever I recreate the child as a carbon copy of own well being, and pattern their can to ensure that purity and raise themselves. even when the child is lives after their social milieu-even him to do Your will.11
10 The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 THE JEWISH FAMILY Rabbi Zelig Pliskin
Training Children Not To Speak Lashon Hora
if parents view the prohibition against speaking Lashon hora with the same severity as they do other serious halachic matters, then there can be hope that their children will learn to jollow suit.
very Jewish parent is con· for their children is that they learn key. picked up some earth and putit cerned that his children dev to refrain from speaking Lashon into Rabbi Avuhu's mouth. Rabbi E elop as responsible, Torah· hora-slander. Before discussing Avuhu asked for an explanation for observant adults. Some aspects of details regarding pursuit of this goal this behavior, to which Rabbi Shi· this growth can be promoted by a there is an incident described in the mon hen Lakish replied, "The Al supportive environment, while oth· Talmud that can offer us some un· mighty does not want us to speak ers are constantly challenged by derstandings that can serve as a evil about the Jewish People." widespread indifference to the spe· foundation for a program for teach· At first glance, Rabbi Shimon ben cific goals they entail. Probably one ing Shmiras Halashon-Guarding Lakish's extreme reaction to Rabbi of the most worthwhile and yet most One's Tongue: Avuhu's comment is quite astonish~ difficult of goals parents entertain Traveling to a specific city, Rabbi ing. Perhaps this can be understood Avuhu asked Rabbi Shimon hen La· in the context of how Rabbi Shimon This article is based on a lecture given by Rabbi kish (Reish Lakish), 'Why should we hen Lakish became a Torah scholar Zelig Pliskin, author of Guard Your Tongue, dur go to a place full of blasphemers?" (See Bava Metzia 84a). Reish Lak· ing a full-day seties of lectures in Jerusalem. Rabbi Pliskin is Director of Ai sh Hatorah·s Coun Upon hearing this, Rabbi Shimon ish. then the leader of a gang of ban sellng Center. hen Lakish alighted from his don· dits, spotted Rabbi Yochanan
The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 11 swimming in the Jordan River. He The insights culled from these dived into the river and swam over to passages from the Talmud give us a Rabbi Yochanan, who immediately basis for fashioning an approach to told this robber, "The strength you educating our children to Shmiras demonstrated in swimming should Halas hon. be utilized for toiling in Torah study." Reish Lakish retorted to Rabbi TWO LEVELS OF GOALS Yochanan. a strikingly handsome man, 'Your beauty should have gone he first step parents should to a woman." taken when influencing their Rabbi Yochanan responded, "My T children to refrain from la· sister is even more beautiful. If you shon hara is to clarify their goals. accept upon yourself to study Torah. Basically, the goals are twofold you can marry her." behavioral and attitudinal. The be· Reish Lakish accepted the offer. At havioral goal is obvious-to stop the outset, Rabbi Yochanan was his one's children from speaking nega· teacher. but eventually they became tively about others. The attitudinal colleagues of equal stature: their ha· goal is much more complex, both in lachtc disputes are cited through· substance and in the ways in which out the Talmud. that time, and influenced him in a to achieve it. Most important. one The incident is truly remarkable, language that he could understand. cannot expect one's children to dev· but also puzzling: How could Rabbi Thus. Rabbi Shimon was taken elop positive attitudes unless one Yochanan offer his sister in mar· aback when he heard RabbiAvuhu's has assumed them oneself. To begin riage to the leaderofa bandit group? statement. He may well have been with, one must ask oneself: "How do I The answer is-he reallydidn't!What thinking: These people are children feel about talking lashon hara ?Do I he saw was not Shimon the robber, of the Almighty, the grandchildren find it more difficult to speak dero· but the potential Rabbi Shimon ben ofAvraham. Yitzchak, and Yaakov! gatorily of others. or more difficult to Lakish, whom Rabbi Yochanan rec· !f they are far from Torah observ· refrain from speaking against ognized as possessing outstanding ance, they are not necessarily to others?" abilities-abilities that would enable blame. Perhaps we only have our· Unfortunately. many find it pain· him to achieve greatness in Torah selves to blamefor lacking the wis· fully limiting to avoid speaking la· study. Rabbi Yochanan was so con· dom and creativity to motivate shon hara. The prohibition actually fident in his appraisal of Reish La· them. Rather than condemn them. frightens them. But one should be kish's potential that he did not con· perhaps we are responsible to help embarrassed-yes, embarrassed sider his offer a risk. only an enviable them improve. People with an atti· to speak lashon hora. Would anyone opportunity. tude like that ofReish Lakish are not willingly make the following procla· likely to speak negatively of others. mation in front of others?: "I am They will endeavor always to see the totally insensitive. I do not feel love REISH LAKISH'S PERSPECTIVE potential for greatness in people and towards others and do not mind if I will search for ways to help them cause them emotional pain and e can now understand realize this potential. This is most humiliation. or even ifl cause others Rabbi Shimon ben Lakish's helpful when dealingwith our breth· a financial loss and provoke strife." W censure of Rabbi Avuhu. ren who have not yet come back to Yet when one speaks lashon hara, When Rabbi Avuhu was repulsed by Torah observance. and crucial in that is the message one is implicitly the city of blasphemers, he saw its refraining from speaking evil of conveying to others. Were someone citizenry as they were at that mo· others. else to say this about him he would ment: people to be avoided. By con· Yet another insight can be gained be highly indignant. Why should a trast. Rabbi Shimon ben Lakish from this episode: Rabbi Shimon person say it about himself? drew from his own background. He ben Lakish putting sand in Rabbi Whatever a person's attitude is knew that even people who are blas· Avuhu's mouth strikes one as a very towards speaking Lashon hara. this phemers can have the potential to be cruel act. Reish Lakish obviously is what will be transmitted to his (or righteous. They only need someone wanted to illustrate with the strong· her) children. Bearing that in mind, with vision and ingenuity to moti· est technique possible how a person when one feels an impulse to pass on vate them to change. defiles his own mouth by slandering a morsel of juicy gossip or a witty Note also that Rabbi Yochanan did others. Having sand in one's mouth remark about someone. one can not try to influence Reish Lakish by is a tactile experience-one actually muster the self·discipline necessary lecturing him on the supreme value feels the invasion of filth on one's to control that impulse. And then of Torah study. Rather. he entered tongue. Lashon hara is no less an the self·discipline itself becomes a the realityofReish Lakish's world at invasion of filth. source of pleasure. lf a person can
12 The Jewish Observer I November. 1986 TEACHING TOOLS The sefer Chofetz Chaim is not a book about FOR TONGUE-WATCHING refraining from speech. Rather, it is a book ost of the attitudes that one hopes to imbue children that allows one to speak about everything else. M with are best taught by example, as stated. They then tend to filter down from the concept level to the nitty-gritty of daily life. The les also master the attitude of simcha Chaim), one should make certain to sons of Shmlras Halashon that grow shel mltzva-feeling joy for having do so out of the hearing range of the from consideration of others can be performed a mltzva-the great satis children. And if one is ever suddenly reinforced with a number of teach faction and even joy that one can aware that he is speaking lashon ing techniques and tools: experience in not speaking against hora, he should stop in the middle. others can more than compensate as awkward as it may seem. And, • One should praise people who do for the forfeited pleasures of sharing furthermore, should others ever not speak lashon hara. What we information with others. point out that what one was about to praise reveals what we truly respect. To be the consummate teacher of say might be lashon hora, one One can even comment jokingly on Shmiras Halashon. one should should endeavor to overcome the an infant who cannot yet speak, strive to reach a level of ahavas Yis· resentment and embarrassment of 'What a tzaddlk! He has never roel that would not permit one even being "caught": it would even be in spoken a word of lashon hara/" to think of slandering another per place to thank them-just as if it When serving pickled tongue, one son. One would never speak nega were a warning that one was about can say, "This is an exceptional tively about one's own child: one's to flick on a light switch on Shabbos. tongue-never spoke a word of La attitude towards speaking against Objectively speaking, it should be no shon hora." While one normally anyone else should be no different. different. ... This. then, is crucial. makes such comments with tongue Another attitudinal goal is to be so First parents should try to view the in-cheek, the child heartng such sensitive to the pain of others that prohibition against speaking lashon comments will get the underlying one would not speak against some hora with the same severity as they message. one because it would be too painful do other serious halachic matters: • By relating stories about the Cha for the speaker. People go to great then there can be hope that their fetz Chaim to one's children, they lengths to avoid pain. Simply keep children will learn to follow suit. will be inspired to identify with him ing in mind the suffering one causes Another important aspect of and will try to emulate him. Telling others by speaking against them will teaching children to avoid lashon children creative stories about the eventually bring one to feel that pain, hora is guiding them to judge others harm caused by derogatory speech making it virtually impossible to favorably. This is significant be and the greatness of boys and girls speak against others.... It would cause. first of all, much derogatory who avoid speaking lashon hara simply be too painful to do so. information is simply not true: can also help them. Bedtime stories wrong information is frequently can have life-long positive effects. passed with ease from person to per REACHING THE KIDS son. And even if the information is • Stickers near telephones and true, there are frequently extenuat other strategic places reminding ince helping children gain ing circumstances that would render people to refrain from lashon hara these awarenesses and sensi the "wrong" action permissible and may strike some people as lacking S tivities is a key to their devel sometimes even obligatory. More sophistication but they are surpris opment, how does one actually over, one can never know on what ingly effective. So are key chains awaken these attitudes in children? perceptions or misinformation the with plastic chips proclaiming such Not withjustonelecture,forsure!As "guilty" subject based his behavior. messages as: "The key to keeping we mentioned at the outset. if a per It could very well be that according to shmiras halashon: Give your friend son succeeds in integrating these the way he perceived the situation, the benefit of the doubt and the concepts into his personality, then he acted properly, even if in fact he lashon hara you will wipe out." And his children will gradually develop was mistaken. Even though the per then there are bumper stickers.... these attitudes as well. A person son has an obligation to correct his • One can help children structure must bear in mind at all times that error, he does not deserve condem their day to refrain from lashon he is always serving as a model for nation. Here, too, serving as role hara for specific periods-for exam his children. If a person must relate model for one's children is impor ple, by setting up a two hour period derogatory information to someone tant: but in addition, it may prove during which they mark off on a for a constructive purpose (in ac necessary to verbalize as well, so chart every ten minutes (5:00. 5:10, cordance with the laws of lashon children will understand their par 5:20, etc.) that their speech was hora as delineated by the Chafetz ents' thinking. lashon hara-free. It is relatively easy
The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 13 ever the conversation seemed to be directed toward lashon hara, he Refraining from speaking or listening to would throw out an incredible but lashon hora is an expression of a beautiful kosher fact; the topic would invari· ably switch to a discussion as to the concept of love and sensitivity. veracity of his statement.
THE KEY to be careful for just ten minutes at a offensive. But even if a child is un· time. and the child will have a suc able to correct someone who relates s stated, the underlying key cessful experience in shmiras ha lashon hara, he should learn to to training children in guard· lashon-to be capped off with a declare that he does not want to hear A ing their speech is probably prize for a "clean" week. lashon hara. (As an adult friend the parents'/teacher's attitude to· wards refraining from lashon hara. • Knowledge of the laws of lashon once commented self-deprecatingly, It is this attitude that one will convey hara is crucial. and even young chil· "I have enough faults of !ny own. I to one's children. I vividly remember dren should be taught the basic don't have to collect data on the my father J""· a disciple of the Cho· rules. It is important to teach chi!· faults of others." The subject was fetz Chaim in Radin, quoting directly dren to differentiate between infor· quickly changed.) from his illustrious Rebbe J""· "The mat ion that is necessary to relate for • A person who relates lashon hara sefer Chafetz Chaim is not a book constructive purposes and hence will only keep on doing so if he is about refraining from speech. Ra· permissible. and information that is positively reinforced. If a las hon hara ther. it is a book that allows one to destructive and forbidden. The speaker finds that others react with speak about everything else. If you knowledgeable parent and conscien· displeasure, he will avoid repeating are not familiar with the laws of tious teacher can give quizzes and the experience.Adults can have their lashon hara, how can you speak? award prizes for correct answers. own approach to defusing a paten· You might be guilty of violating the • It is also important to teach chil· tial lashon hara situation. For prohibition against lashon hara. dren how to stop their peers from example. heading off a defamatory Once you know the laws, however, telling them lashon hara. Of course, comment at the pass with: "Some· you can speak about everything else. this will be dependent on the self· one must really be suffering from an The sefer Chafetz Chaim actually confidence and assertiveness of the inferiority complex to have to raise gives you permission to talk." This is child. as well as his relationship with himself up bypultingothers down" a powerful, positive message, em· his friends. Some children will find a sure squelcher. Children have their phasizing that refraining from la· this much easier than others. As a own level of communication, and shon hara forces a person to broaden rule, the more sensitive a child is to can, perhaps, more easily put it di· his horizons and elevates the level of the suffering of others, the more rectly to their friends, "It's wrong to his conversations. sensitive he himself is likely to be, speak against others." Children can Refraining from speaking or lis· and many such children may find it also be taught to change the subject tening to lashon hara is an expres quite difficult to muster up the with grace if lashon hora threatens. sion of a beautiful concept of love courage to correct others. By the As a youngster, I had a friend who and sensitivity. If we truly view it in same token, a bolder child may have had memorized a number of totally that light. we will succeed in teach· to be coached on how to point out irrelevant but interesting entries ing it to our children in that way, as others' shortcomings without being from Ripley'sBelieve It or Not When· well.11 Notjustacheese, a traClition••• ,: Haolam, the most trusted name in Cholov Yis1oel Kosher Cheese. A reputation earned through 25 years of scrupulous devotion co quality and kashruth.With 12 delicious varieties. Under the strict Rabbinical supe.-v>Sion ofK'hal Adas J"'hurun, N. Y. I Haolam, a tradition you'll enioy keeping, I Cholov Yim.el THURM BR():,. WORLDCH~ESECD. INC. NEW YORX. NY ao
14 The Jewish Observer I November. 1986 THE JEWISH FAMILY David Gottlieb
LOVE and RIAGE ne out of every two marriages in North America BIBLICAL MARRIAGES ends in divorce. Of those that survive. some 0 should not: the relationships have deteriorated to h~n the pa~riarch Yitzchak met his future wife the point that dissolution is the only way to relieve the Rivka he ... took her mto the tent of his misery. Thus the majority Qf North American marriages W mother Sarah, married her, and loved her, and arefailures. The explanation for this enormous human was comforted from (the loss oO his mother." (Bereishis suffering is not easy to see, especially since the statistics 24:67) From a Western perspective. the sequence of for the best educated, most sophisticated and least in events is puzzling: Shouldn't love come before marriage? hibited segment of the population are just as bad. And why is the development of their relationship brack Forfmm communities the figures are much lower. In eted byYitzchak's concern for his mother? Chazal tell us addition, the symptoms of failed marriages that have not (Bereishis Rabbah) that during Sarah's lifetime, her divorced (child abuse, wife/husband abuse, alcoholism, tent-which was Yitzchak's home-experienced open disappearance) are also much lower. Some take pride in manifestations of Hashem's presence. With her death, our relative success at marriage; others emphasize that these signs disappeared. Yitzchak's criterion for a spouse we still fall far short of our marital responsibilities and was the ability to recreate the divine environment he should regard our rate of failure as an "epidemic" or experienced in his mother's home. It was her proof of this "crisis" which requires emergency measures. Without ability that determined Yitzchak's decision to marry taking sides in this debate. we can all agree that we are Rivka. Love for her was the outcome of the marriage doing something significantly better than the rest of commitment based on that foundation. Note that the North America. Perhaps. if we understand that some love which grew between them is not unimportant: the thing, we will be able to use it even more effectively in the fact that the Torah mentions it shows that love is one of pre attempt to improve our O\Vll marriages. the goals of marriage.' However, far from being the requisite for marriage, love is a consequence of a mar riage based upon a common vision and goal '!f life, and Rabbi Gottlieb, a member of the faculiy of Yeshiva Ohr Somayach in Jerusalem. lectures on Torah topics in Israel as we!! as virtually every English l. This givc·s the lie to the Fiddler on the Roqfslandl."rof Jewish marriage as a speaking country on the globe. love-less relationship.
The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 15 the perception that the partners are suited to achieving choice of the time period is not arbitrary: seven units of that goal together. Only when Yitzchak found a partner time connote a complete time-cycle. and a period of puri for such a marriage and experienced the resulting Jove fication.' When one is preparing for a challenge which only when the divine environment was recreated-could will test all one's abilities, whose outcome is of enormous Yitzchak be comforted for the Joss of his mother. (Of importance, and which requires the meticulous strength· course. some emotional bond must be created during the ening and training of all one's talents and abilities, how testing period before a commitment is made to marry. does the time pass during the preparation period? This is included in the "perception that the partners are Quickly!7 Hts Jove for her was predicated on such a chal suited to one another." How to characterize the required lenge, therefore. the seven years " ... were as but a few bond exactly requires investigation.) days in his eyes." Finally. we must remember that when The following generation gives what appears at first Yaakov first saw Rachel he was already a prophet. A glance to be a constrasting paradigm for Jove and mar prophet by definition sees what the rest of us do not: riage. Yaakov meets Rachel at the well and immediately Yaakov saw in Rachel the mother ef the Jewish people. kisses her. Within thirty days he loves her so completely His Jove for her and all his subsequent actions were that he is prepared to work seven years for the right to consequences of this vision. Thus we see that Yaakov and marry her. Here Yaakov's love explicitlv precedes mar Rachel. instead of contrasting with Yitzchak and Rivka, riage. and in fact develops so rapidly that is appears to be in fact exemplify the same principle: love and marriage almost "Jove at first sight"-the very antithesis of his are consequences ef a common vision and goal of life parents' example. But this appearance is immediately and the perception that the partners are suited to dispelled by a closer look at the psuktm and the supple· achieving that goal together. This principle is one of the mentary comments of Chazal. (a) When he meets Rachel two pillars upon which Jewish marriages rest. at the well, Yaakovfirstwaters the sheep, then kisses her. and then weeps. This behavior is not typical of infatua THE INTEGRATION OF TWO INTO ONE tion! (b) The offer to work for her for such a Jong period, and the choice of seven years in particular. needs to be he second pillar of Jewish marriages is found in explained. (c) The Torah's description of the passage of the Talmudic dictum thatAdam was (or was orig the seven years"... as but a few days in his eyes due to his T inally designed to be) androgynous, i.e., a being lov'e of her" sounds like a beautifully romantic senti combining male and female characteristics in all human ment-until we reflect that while waiting for a longed-for dimensions-physical, emotional, intellectual. and spir· 8 event. time passes slowly, not quickly.2 His Jove for her itual. What are we to learn from this piece of historical should have made the seven years feel like a hundred! (d) information? (Mai d'hava hava?!) We are to learn that When the time is finally up, Yaakov requests the pro marriage is the context in which a man and a woman mised marriage with the words: "Give me my wife that I attempt to recreate or approximate the perfect male may go in unto her." Such a statement seems gross in the f emale union represented by Adam. Let us examine this extreme:' How can we imagine Yaakov making it? lesson in detail. Human relationships differ in the quality of integra A COMMON GOAL OF PEOPLEHOOD tion they achieve. On the lowest level Is the pure business relationship: each partner enters the relationship solely he key to the whole story lies in the answer to the for the personal gain he can achieve thereby.9 Personal last question. Chazal explain that Yaakovsaw his integration with the partner is nil. We may label this T marriage to Rachel as the instrument for bringing relationship "I plus": each partner is to himself a com the Jewish people into existence. Since the Jewish people pletely self-interested "!." but he recognizes that the is the goal and justification of the whole of creation, and cooperation with another "!" can profit him more than the Creator made marital relations the only means of can his individual efforts. procreation, those marital relations achieve the pinnacle On a higher level is the 'We" relationship. in which of holiness. As Adam and Chava before him, Yaakov saw individuals identifywith the needs and goals of a group, no embarassment in that process when dedicated to and experience events in terms of their significance for suchagoal.4 His statement"... that! may go in unto her the group. 'We" replaces "!" in the thinking of the ... "expressed the height of sanctity which he achieved. members of such a group, at least during group activi· Understanding that the creation of the Jewish people ties. Anyone who has played on a well-knit sports team, was Yaakov's goal in marrying Rachel, we can answer performed with a musical ensemble, or engaged in a questions (a)-(c) as well. He used the seven years as a similar activity. has been part of a 'We" relationship. A period of preparation for such an awesome task.5 The score by the opposing team is our loss; my successful play
2. See, for example, the discussion of Sefiras Haomer while waiting for 6. The week, shemita. yovel, Pesach, Shavuosand si:;firas haometillust·_,£e Mattan Torah in Sefer Hachinuch. time periods corn posed of seven units of time. Tu mas mes, yoledes, zav and 3. Cf. Yalkut Shimoni. zava illustrate seven units of time as a purification process. The Zahar 4. Cf lggeres Hakodesh of the Ram ban. Hakadoshsays explicitly that Yaakov used the seven years to prepare himself for the union with Rachel. 5. This task is what distinguishes Yaakov from Avrohom and Yitzchak, and 7. Think of preparing for an exam, a performance, etc. makes him "bechirsheb'avos":Theyeach had non-Jewish children and thus were only ancestors of the Jewish people. Yaakov and his family were the 8. Emvin lla. Jewish people in microcosm. 9. Ofcourse. many business relationships become more than purely business.
16 The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 The husband and wife who achieve the "I" relationship do not form a two-membered group in the "We" mode, but rather a new organically integrated whole.
is our success; the notes I produce ls a contribution to usually presupposes crucial differences which are so oursound; that is how the activity is experienced. In this related that the whole may vastly transcend its parts. context a new entity is formed, namely the group. Indi Some examples: a violin and a piano playing together; viduals relating with one another in the 'We" mode forwards and guards in basketball; a surgeon and an become members of this new entity and are integrated anesthesiologist in the operating theatre; Sanhedrin, (partially) into it. Their individuality becomes subordi King and prophet for the leadership of the Jewish nation. nate to the group's needs and goals. The uniqueness of the individuals forming the "I" is the Although it is a significant improvement on the "I plus very foundation of the integration: it is because they are I", relationship, the 'We" relationship does not embody unique in precisely these ways that they can coordinate complete integration. The group is an association of their functioning so as to form this integrated whole. individuals each of whom retains his own identity. He How is the "I" relationship expressed in the context of merely plays the role of group member at certain times, marriage? It is as if when Yitzchak says "I" and Rivka and at these times accepts the group's goals as his own. says "I", instead ofeach referring to his/her own self, they This relationship does not affect his essence. Such a both refer to the same new amalgam of which each is a total integration. which transforms the essence of the part. If you write "I" on one occasion and speak "I" on individual to the extent that he ls no longer truly an another, we do not understand the written "I" as refer individual is the highest form of human relationship. Iing to your arm and the spoken "I" as referring to your The new entity formed by this relationship is not a group, lungs, larynx, mouth, etc. Although produced by different but rather an organic whole, of which the erstwhile indi parts of your body, each refers to the whole. This is viduals become parts (rather than members, as in a because "I" refers to the smallest whole encompassing group). This relationship may be labeled"!," for two rea the part which produces it. In the case ofYitzchak and sons. The singular pronoun indicates that the new entity Rivka, neither of them individually is a whole any longer, does not have the multiplicity of a group, but rather is a thus the ''!" produced by either refers to the whole of single entity; and the use of "I" indicates that the new which each is a part. entity is a totally integrated individual, which sup The "!"-relationship marriage is experienced differ plants the individuality of those who stand in the ently from other human relationships. Imagine that relationship. Leah is a social worker having difficulty convincing a The husband and wife who achieve the "I" relationship client to get psychiatric help. Her husband Reuven do not form a two-membered group, but rather a new encourages her and gives her advice, and the following organically integrated whole. Compare, for example. the day she succeeds. If Leah and Reuven are related as the "I human body. It can be divided into head, trunk, arms and plus I", the success is hers; he is at best an enabler, legs. Nevertheless. we do not say that each person is a expecting her help in his projects as quid pro quo for his group of six! The reason is that the head, trunk etc. are support of her. If they share a 'We" relationship the parts of one whole, rather than individuals merely asso success is theirs, but it accrues to the pair (the two ciating with one another. What makes the difference? membered group) through her action which she per Integrated functioning: each of the parts is totally forms as an individual. If they form an "!," the very dependent upon its connection to the rest of the body for action itself is related to Reuven as well: The success was its life and ability to function. Similarly, the "I" relation accomplished by a part of the very same whole of which ship produces integrated functioning for the individuals he is a part. 10 who stand in that relationship. A second example: husband and wife are together when one receives a gross insult from a third party. The UNIQUE, AND THEREFORE INTEGRATED spouse protests: 'Your words affect me as well-I take that insult personally." He responds: "Don't talk non t must be emphasized that this integration does not sense: I didn'tinsultyourperson, I insulted your spouse's compromise the uniqueness of those who achieve it. That x and y function together as a unit does not 10. When my hand imprints my name on a check, it is!. the whole person., who I signs the check: the action accrues to the whole even though only a part is In imply that x = y. On the contrary. integrated functioning motion.
The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 17 Just as an insult to my face is an insult to me as a whole, so does an affront to my spouse offend the whole of which I am a part.
person." Is the protest nonsense? Not in the context of to constantly renewing the relationship. In my opinion, the "!" relationship. Just as an insult to my face is an the failure to take responsibility for creating the "!" in insult to me as a whole, so an insult to my spouse is an marriage is the single most common factor in divorce. insult to the whole of which I am a part. Western culture has evolved a passive attitude towards This, then, is the lesson of androgynous Adam: Man love and marriage: "Let's see if it works. If it does, fine; if and woman are created as incomplete parts of a larger not. whey spend life chained to unhappiness?" "If it organic whole which comprises both of them. Their works"-not "If I will work"-and certainly not "It will complementary gifts and needs enable them to integrate work: I will make it work!" How does one relate to other with each otheron the pattern of that original whole. It is difficult and important life tasks-a school exam, a mus this which gives them the capacity to transcend the "I ical performance, an athletic competition, a medical plus I" and 'We" levels of human relationship, and at problem? One undertakes to practice, study, train, pre least approximate the integration of the single 'T' of pare and strive to achieve (with Hakadosh Baruch Hu's which Adam is the paradigm. The goal and challenge of help) the desired result. This is the attitude one should marriage is to recreate Adam's wholeness to the extent have in marriage. A successful marriage is the personal possible for physically separate beings. achievement of the husband and wife who worked to Love-a deep and abiding attachment to and identifi create it. A failed marriage is often their personal failure. cation with one's spouse, coupled with the joy of that Adopting this attitude of responsibility towards build attachment-is the result of forming the 'T' relationship. ing the"!" with one's spouse provides a new understand Without this, there may be a temporary thrill, an infatua ing of typical marital occurrences. For example, it often tion, a mutually beneficial satisfaction of one another's happens that the wife (or husband) starts to tell the needs (characteristic of even "I plus l" relationships), but husband (or ... ) an experience or feeling of hers which is not love. The "!" relationship, at once the challenge and immensely boring to him. What should he do? There are the fulfillment of highest human integration, is the two common schools of thought. ( 1) Marriage is based on second pillar on which Jewish marriages rest. chesse~ he should listen anyway as a favor to the wife. (2) Marriage is based on honesty: he should tell her frankly PRACTICAL APPLICATIONS that the subject is boring to him and expect her to respect his feelings. From the vantage point of building he two pillars of Jewish marriage-suitability for the''!" both approaches miss the crucial point: he should achieving the common goal, and the 'T' relation not be listening to the story, but to her. The story is T ship-have many implications for practice. The boring: if he saw it in a newspaper or heard it from an shidduch system is designed to produce the first pillar. acquaintance he might immediately put down the paper This subject has been discussed by others (cf. "Shad or change the subject. But this communication from his chanim-Matchmakers" by Chaim Shapiro, JO Summer wife indicates her present state of mind, her present 1985) and I will not pursue it here. The second deserves feelings. He wants to know where she is so that he and very extended treatment, of which what follows is only a she can continue to build their whole together. few of the roshei perakim (salient points). As a second example, consider the adage: It is easier to The 'T' relationship will not create itself. It must be give than to receive. Why is this so? Because receiving actively pursued with intelligence and dedication. No often implies weakness, insufficiency, dependency and matter how well suited husband and wife are to one failure on the recipient's part, while giving implies another when they marry, life's experiences work to drive strength, surplus, independence, success. and also mag them apart. No man has even a vague inkling of what it is nanimity. The ego-impact of giving is positive, of receiv to carry, birth and suckle a child. The loss of a parent ing, negative. If so, one Qf the greatest gifts is to provide cannot be fully experienced by the mourner's spouse. another with the opportunity to give.''· Often one spouse Unless there is a commitment to rebuild lines of com will not share problems with the other "in order not to munication and modes of sharing, husband and wife will burden her/him with my problems." The effect is to deny inevitably drift into private worlds, becoming less and the other a chance to help and thereby confirm her/his less relevant to one another. Love cannot be strength 11. See Michtav MeEliyahu. v. l, Kuntres ffachessed. Chap. 12 where Rabbi ened, or even sustained, under such conditions. This Dessler distinguishes between notail and m'kabel, the taker and the giver. means that time, effort and resources must be dedicated Much of the description of the 'T' is derived from Kuntres Hachessed..
18 The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 own self-worth. (And the cause is often an attempt to save one's own self-image.) After a disagreement we are willing to forgive, but are we willing to ask for forgiveness? For giving.as a form of giving. is easy: it implies that we were right and the other party was guilty! Asking for forgive ness allows the other to be charitable in excusing our fault. It is hoped that these brief examples will indicate how the goal of creating the"]'' provides a new perspective on marital experiences. Consistent application of this pers pective yields a new integrative approach which helps cement the marital bond even as life's vicissitudes assail •Analyzes. •Reports. that bond. •Evaluates •Reviews. Kial Yisrael needs to strengthen itself against the tide of marital misery which surrounds us and threatens to •Comments. •Reflects. undermine our marriages as well. Shiurim. seforim. counseling (before and after marriage) and group dis •Inspires. •Projects. cussion are needed to help us construct our marriages in the image of the Talmudic vision ofAdam. and thus fulfill the destiny for which we were created.12 l3• THE
12. Some will worry that expenditure of ti1ne and effort v.:ill deplete our resources for other necessary goals. Forexainp\e, men learning full time will regret lost hours of talnntd Torah. This view is short·sighted: much more time will be lost (not to mention qualitative deterioration) fron1 learning in JEWISH the long ntn due to the consequences oflost integration and communication than is needed to prevent that loss. Compare Rashfs explanation of Rabbi Yishmae\'s "minhagderech eretz" (Brachos 35b): "forifyou become depend ent upon charity. in the end you will be- prevented from (learning) Torah:· OBSERVER Rashi sees a regular job as the 1nost efficient way to maxi1nize hours of talmud Torah; the same applies to investment in 1naniage. 13. I am deeply indebted to n1ywife, who introduced m(' to 1nanyof the idt>as expressed in 1hisartide. Wedo more Now available on two 90 minute cassette tapes than just observe. 1:>ii '>!> ?).I i).IJ? 11Jn ------Subscribe, Renew or Give "How to Raise Children TheJewish Observer By Really Trying" now and save. by 0 One Year/$18.00 (for ten issues) Rabbi Chaim 0. Keller 0 Two Ycars/$30.00 (a S50 value) Rosh Hayeshiva, Telshe Yeshiva-Chicago 0 'Three Years/S40.00 (a $75 value) 0 Outside the U.S.A. add Sl 0-ycar A two part seminar for each year ordered. presenting a Torah perspective on raising well balanced children. U.S. FUNDS-DRAWN ON A U.S. BANK ONLY ...... 5 Beekman Street/New York, N.Y./10038 Mail to: C.l.T.Y (Community Institute of Telshe Yeshiva) Send magazine to: 3535 W. Foster Avenue Name ______Illinois Chicago, 60£>25 Address ______Please send me __ set(s) of l'.:)11}!J,YJY);1i}hat $10.00 per City ______State ______~iP·---- set (includes price of postage and handling). Enclosed is$------D Enclose gift card D Master card D Visa Nam•------Account No. DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD Street------Expiration date DD ( n1onth) DD (year) City ______State----.Zip __ Signature ______
The Jewish Observer I November. 1986 19 THE JEWISH FAMILY
THE BATI'LE FOR THE JEWISH FAMILY Based on an address by Rabbi Mattisyahu Solomon
REB MOSHE'S LAST MESSAGE Kamenetzky and Rabbi Moshe Fein prophecy, "Father, your decree is stein ;i:n:i? oi1101. They are gone, but even harsher than that of Pharoah, their light will never be extinguished: for Pharoah only decreed against he Jewish family is under as "From their illumination we will male children, but by divorcing your sault. This needs no docu continue to see light." I would thus wife, you are also preventing the T mentation, but it does need like to draw from a message I had birth of girls. Pharoah 's decree was greater awareness on our part. It is a heard expressed by Reb Moshe in only against life in this world, and battle that requires leadership. The one of his last public addresses. you have made a decree on nesha Jewish community is still suffering The Gemora tells us: When Pha mos that they have neither Olam from the trauma of the loss of two of roah decreed that all male babies Hazeh (This World) nor Olam Hab our greatest leaders, Rabbi Yaakov bombethrownintotheNile,Amram, ba (The World to Come)." Rashi the Gadol Hadar, said, 'We are toil explains that even if a neshama ing in vain: it is futile to bring chil passes but briefly through this Rabbi Solomon is mashgiach ruchani of the Gateshead Yeshiva. The above essay is based on dren into the world," and he divorced world, it will merit Olam Habba. his address to anAgudath Israel of America con" his wife. Upon hearing this, Amram took ference dedicated to "Contemporary Society vs. Kial Yisroel, The Jewish Family," held in Brooklyn in April. His daughter, Miriam, admonished back his wife. And 1986. him, saying through the power of which had emulated Amram's
20 The Jewish Obseroer I November, 1986 example in divorcing his wife, also crease his share in Olam Habba. selves notlose sight of Olam Habba? followed suit, and returned to their The focus of a Jew's life, its end goal, wives. There are no shorccuts. But no mat then, is Olam Habba, and this goal ter how difficult or prolonged the The purpose of having children must always be served. (said Reb Moshe)-in fact, the whole batile, it can be expedited by estab lishing a clear understanding of how family structure-is to ensure that BROTHERS IN COMBAT neshamos come to Olam Habba, best to wage the war. and it was for this purpose that he Torah relates that at Yaa First, once one views the problem Amram took Yocheved back. Klal kov and Eisav's first encoun as a battle between Olam Hazeh Yisroellearned from this that even if T ter since Yaakov's escape after and Olam Habba, and recognizes a child would be with them but a few having received the blessings from the home as the chief battleground, short months, it is worth all the Yitzchok, Eisav saw Yaakov's wives half of the battle is won. For then we effort and all the later disappoint and many children, and asked him have a better insight into what is at ment, to prepare a neshama for 'Who are these to you?" To which stake. True, we are already aware OlamHabba. Yaakovanswered, ''The children with that _we are surrounded by a society The same idea is expressed in whom G-d has favored your servant." of alien values, hostile to our more lgros Moshe (Even HaEzer, Chap. . What is the nature ofEisav'sques- spiritual lifestyle. But when we per 62), where certain methods of con tton. and how did Yaakov's response mit these alien, Olam Hazeh-ori traception are forbidden even if it is answer the question? ented values to penetrate our de determined that the child that would Pirkei d 'Rebbe Eliezer informs us fenses and infiltrate our outlook, be born would not live more than a that an entire dialogue took place through the various informational fe~ years_-the purpose of bringing between the brothers at this meet and recreational media that have children mto this world is that they ing. When Yaakov had purchased free entry into our homes, these do eventually achieve Olam Habba. the bechora (primogeniture) from damage to the Olam Habba content This fundamental concept was one Eisav. the two agreed to divide their of our lives and diminish the goals of Reb Moshe's last messages to us. areas of activity and concentrate we pursue. This is even implicit in Rashi's each on his own domain. Eisavwould It is important that we recognize commentary on the passage, 'You rule over Olam Hazeh and Yaakov the extent to which we compromise should keep the mitzvos and you would be a man of Olam Habba. For the kedusha content of our homes should live with them" (Vayikra Eisav was interested in the plea by ignoring the command "And your 18,5). Rashi explains "living with sures of this world, and he was con camps shall be holy." A home of them" as referring to Olam Habba. tent to concede to his brother avo kedusha is but one side of a coin, In _other words, one should keep the das Hashem and all that went with the reverse side of which reads: "but m1tzvos so as to merit life in the next it. Upon seeingYaakov's large family if an ervas davar-a nakedness world. Asks Reb Moshe: The Talmud he asked, 'Who are these to you?_: appears in your midst, then IG-d's infers from this pasuk that when a this family is Olam Hazeh! What presence) turns away from you." person is confronted with the choice does it have to do with your domain?" What a costly loss! of transgressing a mitzva or losing Yaakov Avinu replied, 'You are We can gain a deeper insight into his life, he should choose to trans mistaken. These children are my the implications of this loss if we but gress rather than be killed (aside Olam Habba! G-d gave them to me consider the riches that G-d's pres from the three cardinal sins). So it to develop my share in the next ence can endow a home with. Every would seem that as 'You should live world." day we ask G-d to bless us with "Ohr with them" is referring to life in this This is the issue in a nutshell. Panecha-the Light of Your coun world, to live with the mitzvos and Eisav's philosophy-and that of tenance," and we follow with just not be killed for their sake!Whydoes contemporary society-viewing this such a list: "because of this Light , .. Rashi explain "living with them" world as an end unto itself. for its You have given us a Torah oflife love as referring to life in the next world? pleasures, for the sake of ertjoy of kindness, tzeddaka, brach~. ra Reb Moshe explains that the ha ment-is in confrontation with the chamim, chaim, and shalom"! Can lacha of "ya'avor v'al yehoreig Jewish family, which has Olam one wish for anything more in one's transgress rather than be killed" Habba as its only goal. This is our home than life, goodness, compas does not mean that one's life in this adversarial relationship-the war of sion and peace? Yet through a silly world per se is worth more than the Yaakovagainst Eisav-Olam Hazeh indulgence or an unfortunate indis fulfillment of mitzvos. Rather, the versus Olam Habba. cretion, through an indiscriminate value of life is measured by how display of nakedness, G-d turns His much potential for Olam Habba it STRATEGY FOR VICTORY face away from a person, and he for feits all of these blessings! possesses. A person is expected to ow do we engage in this war transgress the one mitzva so as to Our times are plagued with so and protect the Jewish fam many broken families, members of gain a longer life, thereby being able H ily? How do we assure our our communities are beset with so to perform more mitzvos and in- selves that the family and we our- many personal problems. If only the The Jewish Observer I November, J 986 21 Ohr Panecha and its attendant Habba." Making sanctity an inte has spoken," add to Moshe's bra blessings were not banished from gral part of our lives means raising cha? Rashi explains: When Moshe our homes! the level of our aspirations and of blessed Klal Yisroel that Hashem On the positive side, there is an our very lives to Olam Habba. It is should multiply them a thousand old-fashioned means of expressing not enough just to appreciate the fold, they were shocked-'You are oneself that has gone out of vogue. I fact that our goal in family life must limiting our bracha! Only 1,000 refer to employing terms that reflect be Olam Habba, we must be con times the number of stars. our pres emunah and bitachon in our every scious of this goal all the time. We ent number?" He answered, "This is day speech. As Rabbi Simcha Zissel should measure this goal against only my personal bracha. But Ziv, the Alter of Kelm, said in regard everyihing we do: What does this Hashem will then bless you with an to the passage from Mishlei, "Faith activity, this practice, this mode of unlimited bracha." is lost, it is excised from our mouths,'' dress and behavior do for my Olam The Chasam Sofer asks, 'Why we have discontinued the practice of Habba? didn't Moshe simply give them our grandmothers, that of pointing Hashem's unlimited bracha?" to the miracles that surround us in Moshe knew that people do not al our daily lives, expressing our faith A BLESSING OF NUMBERS ways appreciate the bracha of a in G-d's help and our gratitude for large family. Perhaps their involve His deliverance. The "Baruch would like to conclude with a ment in Olam Hazeh will distort Hashem's" that punctuated the bracha. In the preface to their values, and the troubles in speech of our predecessors should I Moshe's bracha to Klal Yis· volved in raising children will de· once again become incorporated roel he noted their numbers: tract from appreciation of how giv into our daily speech, eventually "Hashem has multiplied you like ing enriches one's life. So he tested strengthening our convictions. In the stars in the sky." Then, he offered them-he knew Hashem's bracha this way, faith will be restored. his bracha, "He should multiply you would not be bestowed upon people Sefomo interprets the description a thousand fold, and bless you as He who would not appreciate it. He of 'You are a holy nation" as being has spoken to you." What do these started with a limited bracha and "Mezuman (in readiness for) Olam words, "Hashem blessing us as He when they showed a true Jewish reaction. 'You are limiting our Olam Habba? We are not Eisav's chil dren!", he said, "That is from me-If You Don't Know What You're you appreciate my bracha, then Hashem will give you a further bra· MISSING cha without bounds." unless you have a copy of So in our tefilla to Hashem, we must pray for unlimited bracha, 'l~t n'~ understanding that our life in Olam a,,,., Hazeh has worth only if it is used as pocket edition available now for N.Y.C. a means toward a spiritual exist· ence. If used properly, we will merit call (718) 851-1314 fulfillment of the "Horachamon"we say in Birkas Hamazon (Grace DAILY HALACHIC TIME-CHARTS ARE AVAILABLE FOR ANY LOCATION IN THE After Meals): "May we be zocheh to WORLD FROM VAAD L'CHIZUK KIYUM HAMITZVOTH 491116TH AV, B'KLYN, NY 11204 the Advent ofMoshiach and to a life (718) 851-1314. RABBI MORDECHAI PREMOCK, EDITOR of Olam Habba"-in the way we lead our lives here and now.•
22 The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 THE JEWISH FAMILY Hadassah Becker
Getting Ready for Shabbos Preparing for Moshiach
A searchfor redeeming spiritual values in the frantic Friday rush.
THE UNFINISHED PRELUDE
uch has been spoken and written through the ages about the joy and fulfillment the Jewish M Woman experiences through her Shabbos pre parations. Countless poems have described that hushed exalted moment when, dressed in her Shabbos finery, her house in gleaming order, her proud husband and glowing children gathered around her, she steps forward to light the candles and welcome the Shabbos to her home. How remote that picture sometimes seems-a roman ticized image. a beautiful dream that has slipped beyond our grasp. How much closer to reality seems the often humorously exaggerated cliche of The Erev Shabbos Rush-of the frantic housewife brandishing her pots and brooms, rushing and huffmg and puffing as the deadline looms before her bleary eyes. Indeed, in varying degrees, Erev Shabbos can often be a harried time of frazzled nerves and short tempers, when the house seems to echo with shouted commands and accusations, when everything seems to go wrong, schedules go awry and no matter how hard you work. little seems to be getting done. This can be attributed in part to the simple difficulty of meeting a deadline. The very nature of housework is that nothing ever seems to be completed with much finality. The remains of one meal are scarcely cleared away when you must begin to prepare for the next one. Sticky finger prints reappear as if by magic, moments after they are wiped away. Cups and saucers pile up in the sink almost as fast as they can be washed and put away. And the
Mrs. Becker, a teacher in a Bais Yaakov High School in the F1atbush section of Brooklyn, expresses gratitude to her husband for some of the sources of this article. Her 'When the Call Was Issued" was featured in the Feb. 86 JO.
The Jewish Obseroer I November, 1986 23 all its aspects. One fundamental aspect of Olam Habba is the requirement that we long for it. We are to seek How ironic if one lights the redemption. hope for it. pray for it. and try with all our Shabbos candles, symbols of strength to bring about the Messianic Era. which is so much more similar to Olam Habba in its spirituality Shalom Bayis, in an than is our current state of affairs. This anticipation and preparation for redemption is a crucial part of redemp atmosphere of tension and tion itself. unhappiness! Rabbi Hutner explains that just as Shabbos is a microcosm of Olam Habba. our preparation for Shab bos is a microcosm of "anticipating the Redemption." bottom of the laundry hamper is a rare sight indeed! This casts our preparations for Shabbos in an entirely Since one can't do everything at once. at almost any given new light. They are not merely a means to an end. they moment there is something which is untidy. undone. constitute an end in themselves. The dishes that we and for every task completed there are often two waiting. prepare on Erev Shabbos are important not only because Count in the usual amount of miscellaneous interrup we will enjoy them on Shabbos. They have an importance tions. emergencies and the normal hustle and bustle of in and of themselves. for they are a concrete expression of the average household and you can begin to understand our longing for Olam Habba. The feelings that go into why the Torah exempted women from most time-bound the preparation and the aura that is created by them mitzvos. You can also understand why the tension that have a unique significance. For creating an atmosphere can come from the simple necessity of preparing for of anticipation for Shabbos is a goal. no less important. Shabbos. and having everything ready on time. should no less deserving of thought and planning. then the not be underestimated. completion of the physical tasks involved. This is not a twentieth century problem. The Gemora in Shabbos cautions men not to leave their home for shulon Friday night until they have witnessed that their RECEIVING THE QUEEN wives have lit candles at the proper time. "for women are lax in doing so." It is also stated that one should verbally nd if the preparations for Shabbos are so fraught ask his wife whether she has separated challa (because with significance. the moment of greeting her this cannot be done on Shabbos). He should also verbally A and of welcoming her presence has a special remind the members of his household to light candles. sanctity. A special emphasis has always been placed However. Chazal caution that one must do this gently. upon Kabbolas Shabbos. receiving the Shabbos. Not and speak with soft words. content to sit and wait for her. Rabbi Chaninah would While our chachamim understood well the need for wrap himself in his cloak and say: "Come. let us go and this reminder. they also understood how it can lead to greet the Shabbos Queen." Rabbi Yannai would don his bitterness and wounded feelings. A woman who is garment and say "Enter 0 bride! Enter O bride!" The behind in her work on Erev Shabbos is working under 16th Century mekubalim (Cabbalists) ofTzfas dressed great pressure. Her feelings of failure combined with any in white garments and went out to greet the Shabbos expressed or implied (or imagined) reproach from her queen. to receive her with songs of praise. And we, too. spouse. can create a state of extreme tension where any recite some of those same words of greeting and praise in irritation is greatly magnified. In this state. even a simple "Lecha Dodi." reminder of her need to complete a given task may lead to How often do we catapult into Shabbos. out of breath. tears or an explosion of tempers. tichels askew. shouting last minute instructions and Indeed, it is on Erev Shabbos. more than at any other reminders. Shabbos has arrived. but have we received time. that Shalom Bayis (domestic harmony) is vulner her? One noted Mechaneches (educator) spoke recently able. We can reach a deeper understanding of this poten about the frequency with which the members of the tial for difficulty in our preparations for Shabbos. by household are busy brushing their hats and polishing examining the nature of these preparations. their shoes even after the women have lit the candles. "The Shabbos queen has come," she said. "and you are telling her to wait in the hall while you polish your shoes." PREPARING-AN END UNTO ITSELF Yet. even if we are not always perfectly ready. it is undeniable that the momentoflighting candles is one of hile the preparations for any mitzva has great an almost palpable descent of kedusha. In the words of a importance. the preparations for Shabbos have sensitive young ba'alas teshuva. "The first time I saw W a special uniqueness. and our seforim abound someone lighting candles was an unbelievable moment. with descriptions of their loftiness. The late Rabbi Yitz I felt"-and she made a fluttering gesture with her chak Hutner J">i offers a special insight into this lofti hands-"I could feel the Shechina coming down.'' ness in his monumental work. Pachad Yitzchok: Chazal And this is the heart of the matter. There is an axiom tell us that Shabbos is me'ein Olam Habba-a lesson. a (•t ri'Jnp) O'>pl?Nn nwY nt nn1y'J nt that G-d has created op taste. a glimpse and a microcosm of the World-to-Come in posing forces in the world. Wherever a powerful potential
24 The Jewish Observer I November. 1986 for kedusha exists, an equally powerful force opposes its perfection that we are worthy of being visited and realization. It is precisely because of the great sanctity of escorted by angels. But it is not automatically assumed preparing for Shabbos and receiving her, that there that they will find order and harmony in every home. exists an increased potential for discord. When we pre But if he does notjind everything in order, then the evil pare to receive the gift of Shabbos, the harmony of our angel says: "May it be G-d's will that it also be so next homes is threatened so that we will not merit to expe Sabbath." The good angel is compelled to answer"Amen." rience the true tranquility of Shabbos. How ironic if one lights the Shabbos candles. which are a symbol of Shalom Bayis-indeed the Sages man dated them for reasons of Shalom Bayis-in an atmos Catapulted through the phere of tension and unhappiness.And how unfortunate if this eis ratzon, this special opportunity for a woman to afternoon, we find that Shabbos place her requests before Him. is not utilized because of has arrived. But have we haste, confusion, or exhaustion. received her?
A NIGHT FOR THE ANGELS In the performance of any mitzva there is the possibil ity of failure. Why is it that in regard to Friday night the Two angels-one good. one evil-escort a person possibility of not being ready is so explicitly expressed, so homefrom the synagogue on Friday night. if he anives openly anticipated? Why is it so strongly voiced? home andfinds the candles lit a set table and a made The very loftiness of the potential to merit the blessing bed, the good angel says: "May it be G-d's will that it of angels must cause the possibility of failure to be so also be so next Shabbos." The evil angel is compelled to real. The very greatness of this opportunity promotes a answer "Amen." counter force of unusual power aimed at preventing us from reaching its height. hy is it that on Friday night-more so than at And powerful it is indeed. How often does our very any other time-we merit to have angels ac appreciation of the Shabbos itself and our desire to W company us. The Maharal explains that Shab honor her properly tum against us and prevent its true bos itself so elevates us. and brings us so much closer to attainment. Rabbi Avrohom Pam N"IJ'JV often presents The Collected Writings of Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch: A Door That Opens On To A World Of Inspired Thought! The influence of Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch Other volumes in this series only grows with time. His commentaries are that are currently available: vital, penetrating, and profoundly moving: a Volume I: The Jewish voice that speaks to all generations, but partic Year, Part 1 Nissan-Av.Six ularly to our own. essays pertaining to each of And in the essays that comprise the Collected the six months included in Writings, one encounters the magnificent this volume. $15.75 breadth and depth of this author's work. The current volume-number 4 in the Volume II: The Jewish series-is entitled STUDIES IN ISAIAH & Year, Part 2 Elul-Adar.Six ESSAYS ON THE PSALMS. essays pertaining to the re~ maining months of the year. STUDIES IN ISAIAH provides a broad 6 $15.75 overview of the prophet's mission, the causes of exile and the certainty of redemption, in Volume III: Jewish Sym addition to commentaries on key chapters bolism-an extraordinary of this prophetic work, work on the subject of ESSAYS ON THE PSALMS presents an Ta'amei HaMitzvot. $15.75 entire approach to the study of Psalms, the role of monarchy in Israel; and a classic, The Jewish Year Vols. I & II detailed explanation of the fifteen songs of are also available in an attrac~ Ascent (the Shir-HaMaalos), tive gift box set. $32.95
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The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 25 ing extensive preparation should be purchased and pre· ev Shabbos-when pared earlier. Many preliminary preparations can be "Er made, even for things that we will do on Friday itself. anticipation, not readiness, Leaving everything for one day tends to result in over· IS. th al" -Rabbi Yitzchak Hutner7"'1. work and fatigue, rendering one vulnerable and suscept· e go , ible to last minute rushing and Shalom Bayis tensions. Certainly, starting early is essential for working women and mothers of young children, especially on short his students with the following scenario: It is close to Shabbos. A bachuris busy brushing his hat or polishing Fridays. his shoes. His mother calls from the kitchen with a This is not just a practical suggestion to facilitate our request for assistance. "l can't." he replies (in annoyance), readiness for Shabbos. Only if we organize ourselves so 'Tm getting ready for Shabbos." The young fellow thinks that we are not working under pressure can we taste the that he is occupied with a mitzva. but in truth, he has joy and sweetness of preparing for Shabbos. Only then trampled upon a basic precept of the Torah for something can we have the peace of mind to feel happiness and that, important as it may be, is only a hiddur-an satisfaction in what we are doing. And only then can we embellishment. communicate these feelings to our families. and create We can certainly appreciate this example from the an atmosphere of anticipation and expectation in our homes. mother's point of view. but how often are we the ones who, in our desire to prepare for Shabbos with perfec To a young child, Erev Shabbos can be a day of tantal tion, ignore the rudiments of bein adam le'chaveiro. izing sights and sounds. His eyes watch in wonder as his (interpersonal commands)? How often in pushing our mother cuts, chops, grates. peels and whisks various selves to capacity and beyond, to scrub and polish for ingredients into and out of the stove. He tags after her in fascination as she dusts, sprays, scrubs and polishes in Shabbos. do we let out our tension on those around us? If so. we are preparing our homes for Shabbos, but not our honor of the Shabbos. If his mother takes the time to hearts. We are preparing an external welcome. while ban show him and comment on what she is doing. and even ishing her spirit from our midst. lets him help a bit, his excitement knows no bounds. The Chafetz Chaim refused to let his wife wash the Older children. too, can gain a sense of fulfillment and floors of their simple dwelling. for fear that the many satisfaction from participating in Shabbospreparations. people who came to their door would be afraid to step on a There is no guaranteed formula for motivating them to help, but the spirit in which the request is made has a freshly washed floor with their muddy shoes. He even reprimanded his daughter for scrubbing the floor on great impact on the attitude with which their assistance Erev Shabbos. telling her to to "polish her neshama is offered. instead," in honor of the Shabbos. Certainly when we "I remember bickering with my sisters about the chore work on Friday to make our homes sparkle. it should not of setting the table for Shabbos ··said a young mother, be at the expense of another person's feelings. For when "but now that I have a home ef my own. I get such in the process of causing a house to shine, the glow of satiefactionfrom placing each object on the table and Shalom Bayis is diminished even slightly. then a family watching the room become traneformed. My children was prevented from attaining the full joy of kabbolas are still very young. but I would like to imbue them with Shabbos. thatfeeling. Even now. I let them place the becher on the This is not to minimize the importance of our physical table, but I try to present it as a privilege, not a chore." preparations themselves. Each dish prepared, each ves sel polished. in honor of the Shabbos has kedusha. We are told that the preparation ofa person exerting himself FRUSTRATING FRAGILE FRIDAYS for Shabbos has a power similar to that of tears in eras ing transgressions. lfwe would but realize the true sig ut what about those Fridays when, despite our nificance of each act we do in honorof Shabbos, perhaps worthy ambitions, despite our careful planning, we would find even more to do! B everything seems to fall apart? What can be done once we have already fallen hopelessly behind schedule, the kugel has burnt. the children are bickering, and our IMPLICATIONS OF AN EARLY START reserves of patience have been long depleted?What about lanning and preparing ahead is one obvious way those afternoons when we can't complete our basic tasks. to make our Shabbos preparations proceed more never mind imbue our households with Erev Shabbos P smoothly. The Shulchan Aruch tells us to rise excitement? What happens to our beautiful ideals then? early Friday morning to prepare for Shabbos,just as our A mother'!f a large family became increasinglyfrus ancestors rose early to collect and prepare the double trated at the Erev Shabbos scene in her house. Some portion of manna. It is considered a hiddur to prepare how her tablecloths never came out snowy white, her and purchase things on Friday itself. cakes were neverfluffy. her candlesticks never shone This does not mean that you must leave everything for the way her neighbors' did and herfloors just refused to Friday. The Shulchan Aruch does state that food requir· clean.
26 The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 The more she struggledfor that orderly Erev Shabbos towards reaching those goals. To the degree that we peifection. the more messy and out-of-control things accept our limitations and human frailties, we will not be seemed to get. and the more tense she became. This demoralized and frustrated by our failures, but we will be resulted in a vicious cycle of tensions andfrustration. able to learn and grow through them. Finally she consulted a Rav. "You have a problem of Our desire for Erev Shabbos tranquility must also be bitachon," she was told. tempered with the understanding that success or failure "Bitachon? What does that have to do with preparing is measured not merely in the tangible results of our for Shabbos ?"she asked in surprise. efforts. "Much qf your tension stemsfrom thefact that you are In Shomayim. our intentions and feelings are the cru comparing yourself to others, and berating yourselffor cial measure, not only the physical perfection of our not living up to their standards." said the Rav. "Self results. If we struggled to remain cairn in the face of acceptance is an important factor in bitachon. G-d repeated mishaps-isn't that success? If we lost our created each person with his own unique nature and tempers, but managed to apologize and regain control abilities. He did not create you with the nature to be a is that not a triumph? If our floors did not receive that Super-Balabusta. Accept this fact Work with the abili gleaming finish, but we did our best-can we say that we ties that Hashem has given you and rejoice in them!" have failed? Often, it is the very nature of our high aspirations that "ii-P:P 1-VN nN 1))Jrn , )'l/)'lli1 DPJ. i1li1l" We are told that on causes us to fail, especially. if they are unrealistically the sixth day of the week, our ancestors brought home based on other peoples' standards that are not commen their portion of manna. and prepared it for Shabbos. surate with our own abilities. Setting up an image of the The n>n1 expression "and it was" always denotes joy. The "Perfect Erev Shabbos" in our minds can be counterpro Chidushei HaRim explains that the use of the expres ductive if we become frustrated by our failure to live up to sion nm1 in this context is to teach us that feeling joy this ideal. Because we are human. we will inevitably fall upon the advent of Shabbos is the ultimate preparation short of perfection. Does that mean that we cannot for Shabbos. Let us not forget this as we go about our dream of Erev Shabbos tranquility? Is it futile, then, for Erev Shabbos tasks. As the hustle and bustle and hum us to strive for lofty goals? and clatter of Shabbos preparations fill our home, let us Not at all. Ironic as it may seem. the realization that we remember what Rabbi Hutner J">t has taught us- will inevitably fall short of our goals is the first step "Anticipation, not readiness, is the crucial goal.''• StelleVision Look lnside ... And See How Much OPHTHALMIC DISPENSERS There is To Be Thankful For! 925 45th STREET • 435·6036 Bet. 9th & 10th Ave.-side entrance 2 Blocks from Mlamonides Hospital HOURS: Sun. thru Thurs. 11 am~ 6 pm, Closed FrL & Sat FULLY LICENSED BY THE STATE OF N.Y. & N.J.
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The Jewish Observer I November. 1986 27 JOIN ONE OF THE GREATEST HATZOLAH EFFORTS IN HISTORY
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SIIAl~BOS: A Time For All Ages
CRESCENDO AT DUSK frantic pace. In the midst of this flurry ofactivity, three year-old Yeshayale rushed up to me and demanded to ust as Shabbos can be divided into stages and know, "It's Shabbos now?" phases which may differ in degree, theme, mood or "No. But it's almost Shabbos!" I had answered in J intensity, Erev Shabbos also has its own subdivi motion and was down the hall by the time I completed the sions. Perhaps the best known and most respected (and sentence. A short while later, Yeshayale repeated his feared) stage of Erev Shabbos is that final stage, ushered question and received a similar reply, a few decibels In with those familiar words. often uttered in shrill tones higher. of urgency: "It's almost Shabbos!"From that signal until What I had neither the time nor the patience to realize the onset of Shabbos. the pace of preparations picks up then was that my son was feeling totally swept up in the steadily and the sun seems to descend more rapidly. family's collective anticipation of Shabbos. Freed from voices are sometimes raised and expectations for what the concerns of responsibility, he was able to experience can still be accomplished before Shabbos are sharply this anticipation with unadulterated glee. His excite reduced. ment was marred only by his undeveloped. three-year During one such Erev Shabbos finale, not too long ago. old's awareness of time. He was frustrated by his inability my family and I began our usual race against the clock. to discern just how much longer it was until Shabbos. Everyone over the age of four was automatically con So Yeshayale took what must have been an enormous scripted into compulsory Shabbos preparation and risk. considering my volatile emotional state at the time, everyone's leisurely weekday gait was replaced by a more and he approached me again a few minutes later. "Tatty, Tatty," he pleaded desperately, "when it be Shabbos?!" "Soon, very soon!" came my wholly inadequate reply. A Dr. Wikler is a psychotherapist and family counselor in private practice and an Adjunct Protessor at Wurzweiler School of Social Work. He lives in lengthy diatribe was prevented only by the lateness of the Brooklyn, New York. hour.
The Jewish Observer I November. 1986 29 Small children are constantly searchingjor any clue that can help them create structure in their world-a world devoid Qf time.
LOST IN OUTER TIME or fifth year of life. most adults cannot remember what life was like before these fundamental lessons were ter on that evening when the commotion of the learned. rev Shabbos finale had been replaced by the se Just try to imagine a trip by car to a beloved relative Llrenity of the Shabbos table,• I began to reflect on whom you have not seen in manyyears. Your preparation the implications of myhallwayencounterwith Yeshayale. for the trip is efforiless, as you are buoyed along by your In adult terminology, the proper answer to his third eager anticipation of that long awaited reunion. Once question would'have been, "Approximately thirty-seven you are finally on the road, you follow the travel directions minutes." But to a three year old, "thirty-seven minutes" with the precision of a watchmaker. means about the same as "thirty-seven months" or "Take Interstate 91. North to Route 86, East," you "thirty-seven miles." Three year olds are simply not able repeat to yourself as your car gobbles up the miles. After to conceptualize time or distance in quantifiable, adult twenty or thirty miles you begin to wonder, "How many terms. miles on 91 is it until we hit 86?" After a half hour, you Most of us cannot even imagine what life would be like wonder out loud. without the awareness of time, which we take for granted. "The directions don't say," comes the helper's reply. Of course, in a spiritual sense, there is no limit to the After an hour, everyone begins to wonder if Route 86 was depth of time awareness an adult can achieve through passed, as accusations for not being more observant are prolonged and diligent Torah study and observance. But now exchanged between the driver and passengers. since the most elementary level of grasping the concepts After two hours on Interstate 91. without the aide of of minutes, hours and weeks usually comes in the fourth maps or the reassurance of a gas station attendant you would probably begin to experience the same frustration •see The Shabbos Table: A Therapist's View" J.O. March 1981 for a fuller of uncertainty that three year old children live with every discussion of this topic. day.
'' Unquestionably, this work has ' ' .•. The publisher has made it a long been a desideratum ... The valuable companion to the translators and editors have prayer book in every synagogue succeeded handsomely... Fidellty '"T'rumath Tzvi is a genuine to Hirsch's commentary has not contribution to Jewish thought been compromised by the and... wlll soon become eminently readable and lucid indispensable to synagogue English style. 11 services. 11 Dr_ Norman Lamm Dr. Sol Roth President, Yeshiva Unrversity Rabbi. Fifth Avenue Synagogue New York City THE.NEW.ONE.VOLUME HIRSCH· HIJl\IASH Mechon Hahoyroa announces a 3-day seminar T'RUMATH'TZVI for Bnei Torah interested Translation of the Torah text and excerpts from the commentary of in Kirov activity. Samson Raphael Hirsch. His 19th century magnum opus. expressing Hirsch's The Arachim staffoflecturers will be here from philosophy of Torah im derekh eretz -the relat1onsh1p between Torah and world c1v11izat1on~-1s Eretz Yisroel and will €Xj(lain their highly ac now accessible to scholar, student, and layman alike Full selection of commentaries most representative of claimed techniques and methodology over the H1rsch·s philosophy and approach to Torah three days to interested Bnei Torah, mechanchim Hebrew text set •n large. beautiful modern type, with vocalizat1on and cantdlat1on Features all the Haftaroth_ and their alternative readings according lo the customs and rabbonim. The sessions will take pince in a of Anglo-Jewish communities around the world, newly translated and with concise introductions facility in the New York Metropolitan area Decem Includes the five Meg1lloth. with 1ntroduct•ons and translation, for handy reference ber 1-3, Monday through Wednesday. Limited The Pentateuch • T'rumath Tzvi - By Samson Raphael Hirsch, 7112" x 10114"' 1088 pages $35.00 Booking. Available at fine Jewish bookstores everywhere. or d1rectly from For information or reservations, call imn1ediately: ~ The Judaica Press, Inc. s21 F,r1hAvenue. NewYor<. NY 10011 12121 260-0520 _ ~ 5 f$
30 The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 Reassurances of, 'You can have the candy in an hour," chocolate second provides a tiny source of security to a "Mommy is coming back at 2:30," or "Bubby and Zaidie three year old. will be here on Tuesday," are as useless to a three year old Robbing a child of that security would be tantamount as a sextant would be to a lost motorist. to stripping a prisoner of his calendar and wrist watch. Just as that prisoner would pay greater attention to the THE NEED FOR PREDICTABILITY setting of the sun or the changing of the guards, so too small children become preoccupied and seemingly ob· mall children live with the frustration of uncer sessed with routine and repetition. tainty every day. They never really know what to expect or when to expect it.And don't be fooled by S ANCHORS IN THE WAVES OF their apparent calm. They are constantly groping, strug TEMPORAL CONFUSION gling and searching for any clue that can help them order. structure and comprehend their somewhat chao o how can parents assist young children in their tic worlds, devoid of time awareness. struggle to bring order to their lives? The best way Their thirst and yearning for structure, order and pre S is to provide and impose structure, limits and dictability are familiar to anyone who has experienced routine-all within reason. of course. One of the best the joy of playing with pre-school children. The games ways to provide that for children is with rituals. Rituals they enjoy most are always those that involve an inordi· are so important for children that in addition to reli· nate amount of repetition. While this may bore an adult, giously meaningful rituals taught to them by their par It offers an oasis of security, stability and reassurance for ents, children often create their own rituals. Milk first the very young child. and chocolate second, a drink of water before going to In short, small children look for any recognizable order sleep, or avoiding cracks in the sidewalk are some typical In life which they can use to orient themselves in a world examples of children's rituals. of time, until they develop their own awareness of the The repetitive, daily mitzvos, therefore, such as bra· units of time. chos. neigal vassar, and krias Shema, provide children "No. Mommy! I wanted the milk before the chocolate!" a with invaluable signposts which help them navigate three year old will complain. through the world of time without a mature awareness. 'What's the difference?" Mother protests. But her child Even before reaching the age of chinuch (according to cannot possibly explain that the routine of milk first and any halachic opinion) observing and imitating their par·
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The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 31 ents' performance of daily mitzvos can give small chi!· "Not this next Shabbos. but the Shabbos after that." I dren many anchors to balance themselves in the waves of explained, try1ng a different tack temporal confusion. "You mean in two Shabboses?" she asked, to confirm Perhaps the greatest temporal anchor, for all ages. is the date. 'Yes," I explained. "we'll be going to Bubbie and Shabbos. That island of tranquility and sanctity pro· Zaidie in two Shabboses." vides reassurance and hope to adults as well as children. Sarah Dina walked off with a perturbed look, shaking As the humorous bumper sticker proclaims. "Hang in her head as if to say, "Then whydidn'tyou say so in the there: Shabbos is coming!" One day passes like another to a small child who has first place!?" not yetlearned the meaning of"Monday" and "Tuesday." I had learned my lesson. I learned that well before chi!· But Shabbos is so unmistakenly unique that even pre· dren understand the meaning of days and weeks, they school children can recognize its presence. can grasp the difference between weekday and Shabbos When Yeshayale's older sister was three years old, she which can help them, on their level, with their develop overheard a discussion of a plan to spend Shabbos with mental needs. Bubbie and Zaidie. 'When are we going?" she asked with So, returning to that Erev Shabbos finale described unabashed excitement above, when Yeshayale looked up at me as my wife "Not for another two weeks, " came the reply. benched lichtand asked with confidence in his voice and "But I mean, how long until we go?" she persisted. a smile on his lips, "Now it's Shabbos; right. Tatty?" I showing me how much off target my answer had been. learned my lesson all over again.•
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FOR OUR YOUTH
HESTORYOFTHESHA'AGASARYEH, The Man cannot evaluate his wisdom. we quickly realize that such Behind the Legend, by Rabbi Shimon Finkelman, a personality provides leadership that his age needs. The T illustrated by Yosef Dershowitz, designed by Sha 'agas Aryeh, through his works and his disciples, Sheah Brander (Mesorah Publication, Brooklyn, 1986, notably Rabbi Chaim Volozhiner, prepared the ground hardcover-$9.95, paperback-$6.95 ), and THE STORY for the emergence of the present-day yeshivas. The OF THE STEIPLER GAON, The Life and Times of Rabbi Steipler Gaon not only made an extraordinary contlibu YaakovYisrael Kanievsky. by Rabbi Hanoch Teller, illus tion to Torah learning in and outside the yeshivos trated by Yosef Dershowitz, designed by Eli Kroen through the volumes of his Kehilos Yaakov, but was a (Mesorah Publication, Brooklyn. 1986, H $10.95, P$7.95 ), source of guidance to uncounted individuals and to are two new volumes in the ArtScroll Youth Selies and Torah Jewry as a whole. Excellently written and illus represent precious additions to its collection of biog trated, these books will convey this message veiy clearly raphies of Gedolei Yisroel. Two centuries separate the to our youth. passing of the two Torah giants whose lives are here described; conditions of life in the world at large drasti THE BEST OF OLOMEINU, BOOK 7-Purim and Other cally changed during this time and so did the institu Stories, compiled by Rabbi Yaakov Fruchter, illustrated tions, movements. challenges and personalities within by Yosef Dershowitz, designed by Sheah Brander (Me the Torah community. Above all, Reb Aryeh Leib Gunz sorah Publication, Brooklyn, 1986, H $10.95, P $7.95). berg, the Sha 'agas Aryeh, lived in an age of grinding This volume. like its predecessors published in conjunc poverty and oppression in Eastern Europe. while the tion with Torah Umesorah, features in particular a Steipler Gaon 'sage saw two World Wars that destroyed number of stories by Rabbi M.Y. Friedman, as well as Eastern European Jewry, and the rise of a Torah Yishuv stories by others who contributed to the earlier volumes. in Eretz Yisroel. Each of the two books tells the life stoiy As with all the Olomeinu stories, those in this volume of its hero and recounts many personal stories that high range across a wide panorama of places-Eastern Eu light his service of G-d and his concern for his fellow rope, the U.SA, Israel, and even outerspace-and times beings; but, beyond that. there emerges the image of the from the past to science-fiction future; and each stoiy, in true Torah personality. We cannot pass judgment on his its way, helps to implant Torah values and ethics. They scholarship-but we are deeply touched by the ideal will surely be eagerly devoured by the young reading human being that the Torah produces. Even though we public.
The Jewish Observer I November. 1986 33 THE FLOATING MINYAN OF PIRATES COVE, by SHUKI'S UPSIDE-DOWN DREAM, by Yajfa Ganz (Feld· Miriam Stark Zakon. illustrated by Sigmund Forst heim, Jeusalem, 1986, $4.95) is a children's book that (Judaica Press. N.Y .. 1986, $6.50 ). Tbis is anotber volume will hold the interest of its audience (whether reading or of adventures of "Emes" Junior Interpol. based on the being read to) and effectively convey an important educa characters created by Gershon Winkler. It tells an excit· tional lesson. Shuki is a nice little boy, but he does not ingyarn. set in the contemporary world of international like having to help elderly people. specifically Aunt Esther intrigue, Middle East rivalries and illegal arms dealers. If who is about to arrive for a visit. Suffice it to say that by the storyline occasionally seems a little unbelievable. that the end of the book he actually looks forward to her is surely par for most adventure tales. The heroes are. coming. so that he can perform the mitzva of honoring once again. some good Jewish kids that not only over· the elderly. Bina Gerwirtz's illustrations add lo the come all kinds of dangers to solve the mystery but save attractiveness of this volume. lives and bring a family back to Yiddishkeit. What more can you want? SOMETHING TO SING ABOUT, is a new tape presented by Dov Dov. with original tunes and lyrics by Yona Wein· MODER ANI MEANS THANK YOU, by Ruth Lipson. berg and Mimi (Weinberg) Rohr (Dov Dov Publications, illustrated by Grit Golan-Martin (Feldheim, Jerusalem, Baltimore, 1985. $7.00). This tape-also available in 1986, $5.95). Starting with the first thing we say when record form-differs from previous Dov Dov tapes in that we wake up, this book takes the young child through the it does not contain a story but only songs. The tunes are day and various aspects of his or her life. to show for how attractive and will surely catch on quickly among the many things we should be grateful lo Hashem-from the listening public-and this should include a wider range house we live in to the colors we see in the garden, to the than usual. since the lyrics deal with a considerable var· machines that make our life more pleasant and, last but iely of topics. Side by side with simpler themes. such as not least. to the various members of our extended fainily. the beauty of G-d's world. more complex issues are The language is simple enough for the book to be read treated. such as the uniqueness of the Jew or the need to even to quite young children, and it can be the starting be oneself. which should be of particular concern to the point for getting them to find more things to appreciate teenager. The songs here presented will prove an effective and lo develop Hakoras Hatov to Hashem. way of conveying basic hashkqfos to the listeners.
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34 The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 TALES FROM THE YESHIVA WORLD and TALES FEIVEL KIRSHENBAUM, Ph.D. FROM THE REBBE'S TABLE, both hy Rabbi Nasson FINANCIAL ADVISER Schennanand illustrated by DavidSears(Mesorah Pub· lications. Brooklyn. 1986. H $8.95. P $4.95). are two very Expertise in financial planning, Investment worthwhile additions to the ArtScroll series of books for selection, tax strategies, retirement and estate children. The tales from the yeshiva world center on such planning. famous Torah personalities as Rabbi Yisroel Salanter. Rabbi Chaim Brisker. and the Chqfetz Chaim, highlight· Registered Investment Adviser. Twenty years ingin each case their concern with others and sensitivity of experience in financial analysis. No sales or for their needs and feelings. The stories "from the commissions. Absolute confidentiality. Rebbe's Table" introduce. e.g .. the Baal Hatanyah, the Rizhiner and the Berditchever Rebbes. and convey the (914) 352-1919 warmth of Jewish life in the poor circumstances of the Eastern European shtetl. The messages are conveyed unobtrusively: the stories and illustrations will most cer· tainly speak to the hearts of children. FREE FOR THE ASKING
PIECE TO JERSUALEM (Friedman Enterprises, Brook ''Code of Jewish lyn, $8.00 I is a 120 piece jigsaw puzzle, for ages seven and up. It isa map of the HolyCityand after putting the pieces Family Purity'' together a few times one will have gained a good know!· The lntematJonal passport to full Jewish Living. no married-or edge of the geography of the city, the location of its var erlQllQed couple can do wtthoul This 96 page handbook details the ious sections, and of the sacred places in it. Unfortu hollness or Jewish family llfc. Discover how the ancient code of man/woman relationship can bring new meaning to your man1age. nately the treatment of modem localities is not as f"or a l'Rl!Z COPY of satisfactory (e.g., both campuses of the Hebrew Univer •.,,.,,., CODE or .JllWISll FA/lflLY l'f.lRtlY' sity are indicated, but. while several buildings are marked write to' 'Yeshiva," no Yeshiva is identified by name). However, Committee of .Jewish Family Purity the ambitious parent can easily remedy the omissions 27 Maple Terrace, Monsey, New York 10952 with the help of a correct tourist map and magic marker. _tNGUSH MdressNam<------______H~BReW _ YIDDISH TRY FORA DREAM by MiriamL. Elias. Feldheim'slatest _SPANISH Tclephone ______work for young teens (H $8.95.P $6.95). marks a refresh· _ FRENCH Comm~m ______ing departure from a recent trend in Jewish children's _ RUSlllAN literature, in which a searching. non-observant young· _PERSIAN ster is blithely led to the joys of Torah observance by a _HUNGARIAN kindly and all·knowingJmm friend or mentor. Though the cast of characters in the novel include both the requi· site non-observant and observant families. the pro tagonists-twelve year old Judy Korda, student in the the beanstalt Elmwood School. and her yeshiva counterpart, Tova Levine-are multi-dimensional characters. both of whom When Appearances Count experience many of the fears. hopes, doubts and prob· !ems that beset adolescents. The girls meet, literally. by and when don't they? accident. when Judy's widowed mother drives her car into Tova. sending her to the hospital. Brought together. Clothe Your Man & Your the two families draw closer. Mrs. Korda. fascinated by YoungMenAt the Torah-observant life. quickly changes her own life· style: her daughter Judy is more doubtful. the beanstalt What makes the book more interesting than most is Our personal attention guarantees a the fact that Tova learns as much from her chum asJudy. Perfect Fit Every Time Though the adults tend to be benign. all-knowing, and JUST ARRIVED slightly dull. the girls themselves are well drawn and Large selection of winter coats, jackets and sweaters. believable characters whom young readers will readily Gift Certificales Special Courtesy to Chasanim identify with. Loaded with values and selection Try For A Dream is a perfect "girl's book," chock full of Hn;: Sun, Tues, WOO, Thurs 11·5 !Jl4 1\venuc P Mon- .2-6, l-'ri-1.24 girls' preoccupations, worries.and delights. Yourdaugh· Hrooklyn, N.Y. Jll29 Eves. Mon, Wed & Mottaei Shahos 718-627-8724 ters should enjoy this one! ~This book reviewed by 7;.lQ-lfl P.M. Miriarn Stark Zakon
The Jewish Observer I November. 1986 35 Seven Days of Creation, by Sara Aronow, illustrated by Lynne Cassouto (NY: Sepher Hennon, 1985, $4.95). SINGLE & DOUBLE BREASTED * MENS' Surrs * This children's book is projected as the first of a series that is to retell biblical stories In rhyme; it recounts the creation of the world in easy. flowing verse, readily SILBIGER'S understandable to a child, and effectively canytng its message. Who made the worldfor you andfor me? ' Slach * R..1in\vC'ar It was Alm-ghty G-d. Blessed be He! ' All Wool Coats •Sports.Jackets The section on the Shabbos leads directly to the duty to "observe and keep this special day," and conveys the Ullhcliti'Uble Prices unique spirit of Shabbos. The book is most attractively 17li9 51 SL Brooklm. NY ( 7W) 1\54-11~1; produced, in large print on oversized pages, and with !Jailv 4:011 p.m.-D:llO p.m.: Sunday All Day clear black and white illustrations accompanying the text. It is here, however, that this reviewer must express Silbiger Suits You Best reservations: Adam and Chavah are portrayed. The illus trator has been careful to do so with delicacy and modesty, but that does not meet the basic objection that children should not be led to identify biblical figures with pictures drawn from imagination-pictures, moreover, The Rosenberg Family which obviously cannot begin to do justice to the extra of Thousand Oaks, Cl\. ordinary towering personalities which they seek to por tray but whom we can in no way imagine. Thank and wish success to Future volumes in this series should sidestep this Yeshiva Ohr Elchonon Chabad problem (figures can be shown in the far-off distance and from the back. for instance) so that they can be used andthe without hesitation, for they definitely have a valuable Lubavitcher Rebbe, shlit.a contribution to make. for bringing Torah True Judaism to our children and other Jewish VALUABLE PAMPHLETS f amities around the world. e are so used to looking to books-often hefty May the New Year bring spiritual & volumes-for Information and guidance, that material success to all Jews. W it may come as a surprise to note how many valuable pamphlets are available to the interested reader. Here is a sampling: • Kuntres HaTevilah, a compilation in English of the ha lac hos pertaining to tevilas nashim, by Rabbi Chaim Krauss (Brooklyn, 5746). This is an exceedingly useful To All Of Our Friends publication. since It provides in effect a check list of things to be considered before and during tevilah. and il?t1 :J)\) ?::> Tl'.:>i:l includes all the many points that have arisen in our days We express our deepest (e.g .. braces or different kinds of makeup). •Family planning A Torah Perspective, by M.D. Stem appreciation to (Salford, England, 1986). This little pamphlet discusses The Jewish Observer the various arguments for birth control and their inade quacy. in the overwhelming majority of cases, from a for their assistance in the Torah viewpoint; analyzes the profound halachic objec revitalization of Kollel Los Angeles tions; and points out the commitment of the Torah Jew which looks forward to the winter to the raising of large families. •The 20-Step Teshuva Program and The Guide to Bita 11 Zman with twelve avreichim, 1 u:i. chon (New York, 1982) have been written by Rabbi Kollel-Los Angeles Moshe Goldberger, whose earlier pamphlets on return ing lost objects and on the laws of succa we previously reviewed. As in the case of these halachic pamphlets, the
36 The Jewish Observer I November, I 986 author includes in the back of each pamphlet a number Famous of responsa by Rabbi Moshe Feinstein J">l touching on the theme of the pamphlet. Since the presentation of ideas necessarily is very concise and general, the reader The Dairy Restaurant may feel that the author's advice in some instances is easier to read than to follow in practice. However, the 222 West 72nd Srreet (212) 595-8487 points he makes provide an excellent spur to self-im provement. Cholov Yisroel • Shomer Shobbos Under the Supervision of K'hol Adoth Jeshurun •A Practical Guide to the Mitzva ofVehechezakto (New York, 1983) is Rabbi Weinberger'sguide to proper giving Open for 13reakfast, Luncheon and Dinner of charity; and Speak in All His Wonders (New York. Catering • Parties • Meetings 1984) offers a 30-day program for thanking Hashem for all we receive from him, as well as a guide to the daily I I I \ ' morning blessings, based on the works of Rabbi Avigdor LJ I I Miller. - . ... • Viduy is an enlarged fifth edition of a pamphlet issued - ~ by Viduy Publishing Company in conjunction with .· I '"'... Keren Ner Tamid Torah Development Programs of Jer ~,_, . • usalem. It cont The Feinstein Family is presently 2. Any copies of shiurim, letters. 5. The cooperation of the public. in the process of collating material ordinations {nr)'DV). endorsement especially those who had personal for several different publications (nmoo;i), kabbalah, sermons and contact with the gadol is crucial for pertinent to the late 7"'1 wm 711l. We talks are also being prepared. All the success and indeed the exist would sincerely appreciate the coop those who have any such documents ence of this major work. If done well, eration of the General Public and are asked to send copies. the biography can be an extremely especially of those individuals who 3. Tape recordings, movies or videos important contribution to Jewish had personal contact with the gaon of the late gaon. in any context. will Literature. 7"'1 in the following project. The be greaily appreciated. Any questions about the project value to klal Yisroel in these projects and the participation thereof, can be is incalculable. 4. An authorized biography, in keep directed to Rabbi Yesocher Ginzberg. If requested, appreciated credit will ing with the late gaon 's philosophy. our project coordinator. at (212) be granted upon publication. is being prepared as well. Any infor 475-2453. mation, preferably first hand. should All of the above information should l. A further compilation of responsa be sent. This may be prepared by be addressed to: Rabbi Mordecai is being prepared. any copies of sending the family a tape or in writ Tendler. 653 Union Road, Spring responsa (l1"11<1) handwritten, typed, ing. Experience has shown. that it is Valley. New York 10977. If this ad or even published in any magazine easier to tape. Include on the tape dress s lost. then simply mail to the orjournal will be greatly appreciated. questions asked. advice given. any gaon 's house. in care of Rabbi The great gaon commented that oc personal observations noted etc. Tendler. casionally a responsa was sent prior Also please include your personal Wishing you a ilJ)\J rirPnn' riJ.'n). to a copy being made. Specifically, impressions about the late gaon i.e. there are many lengthy tshuvot on his impact on the world, his person RABBI DoVJn FEINSTEIN mikveh which are known to have ality, how he related to family. stu RABBI REuvAIN FEINSTEIN been written, of which the family has dents. strangers etc. and what the RABBI MORDECAJTENDLER no copies. public thought of him. On Behalf of the Family. The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 37 Hillel Belsky EACH I cannot be whole until they are whole, and as such, my role in Kiruv Rechokim is an integral part qf my own growth. hevat was "Kiruv Rechokim Upreach? For this we must tum to rising above his limitations, his pet Awareness Month" on Long the source. the mitzva of "You shall tiness, his self-centeredness, and re S Island. New York City's strong love your fellow Jew as yourself." It is lating to the oneness of Kial Yis ly Jewish suburban community. Un amazing to consider what this mitz roel-with one heart, which cannot der the auspices of JEP. Orthodox va presumes: that one human being suffer jealousy of its own members. rabbis of Long Island shared their can. and must. intrude into the pri So to be engaged in Kiruv is to delve respective pulpits with guest speak vate self of another, taking an active into the essence of G-d's blueprint ers who spoke about outreach. The part in moving and changing him. for the world. It imparts a holistic goal was to make the Orthodox We all know the old adage that you perfection. Hence it is Upreach. community aware of its obligation to can bring a horse to water, but you But Kiruv is even more incisive. its fellow Jews who had become re cannot make him drink. But here we There's a line in Shaarei Teshuva chokim-alienated from Judaism. are not only commanded to bring ("Gates of Repentance" by Rabbeinu Newly arrived to New York, I too par our fellow Jew to the waters ofTorah, Yonah of Gerundi) which is a con ticipated in the program, speaking but to be imaginative enough, crea tinued source of inspiration and in my own neighborhood of Bays tive enough, caring and persistent drive to me. The teshuva of a Jew is water. enough to make him want to drink not complete until and unless he is It took this project forme to gel my as well. )l}ID D':J1 :i~'lln. restores multitudes own thoughts on the subject. I have Like everything else in our imper from sin. This passage destroys any been involved in outreach for the fect world, however. the mitzva of image of my own separateness, of my past eighteen years. I have been as ahavas rayim, love of friends, has own privacy that I might harbor. 1 sociated with people in the process suffered limitations. Man's own dec cannot be whole until they are whole, of change-of teshuva-as teacher. line as a result of the sin of Adam and as such. my role in Kiruu Re friend and counsellor. I have wit brought with it a diminution of chokim is an integral part of my own nessed individuals absorb new To man's stature and a reduction of his growth. In the context of this maxim. rah insights and assume the full reach. He is in constant pursuit of my efforts to reach out are in their gamut of mitzvos. I have seen men what was lost. which he will only re way efforts to reach inward. for in and women alter the entire style of attain in the perfect world of the the absence of "their" teshuva, my their lives, redefine its focus. tum days of Moshiach. Hence, in his own teshuva is incomplete. It is a and tilt until Torah itself became present state, he is suspended be dimension of the struggle of self. My their pivotal force. tween the two poles of perfection own limitations are reflected in the And I-I, too, have changed in the his primal past and his apocalyptic Klal. and theirs in me. We journey process. Hardly a passive witness or future-always striving to enhance together-not as two friends along a coincidental traveller, my own life that self which serves as the yard side each other, but as the hand has become enriched, and my ties to stick of one's love for others. journeys with the foot: the one does Torah strengthened. So. it occurred not even take a step without the to me that the term Outreach is a other moving along. misnomer. That in fact the process GROWTH THROUGH REACHING Twice we sensed it clearly: when should be called "Upreach" and "In we accepted the Torah-'With one reach" instead. ut HaShem has a transcend heart, like one man"-and when we Rabbi Belsky, formerly of Memphis where he ent view. He bound us all to reaffirmed our commitment to To taught a "Sunday Night Class.. {See JO Feb ·ss. gether in a relationship of rah at Purim. May we feel it again, Nov. '83), now lives in Far Rockaway, New York. He B is Rosh Yeshiva at Mesivta Ohr Torah in Forest arvus-mutual responsibility. He and with that. merit to greet Moshi· Hills,N.Y. views man as having the potential of ach quickly and in our day. 38 The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 Devorah Rosen Climbing a peak, one must move slowly and with care. It may be safer to retum to Earth, but then doesn't one want to be closer to the heavens? eshuva is a journey more ar~ is so much to know, yet most of life duous than scaling the most will remain unknowable. Just to be T challenging peak the physical in the presence of the mountain is world has to offer. For this particular enough to daunt the most fearless spirttual ascent only begins where climber. From this one may imagine the physical world ends. And so the the prospect of moving about. con trtp is exacting in its prerequisites stantly, in and among and in front of for ascent. as well as in its demands the ShechinahAll ofa sudden there once the peak is scaled. is a mightiness, a presence that is Teshuva is a process in which heavily felt. There is a new system to belief in G-d functions as the rope account to for all words and that attaches a climber to the moun thoughts, spoken and unspoken, tain face; were the climber to become and for all deeds, committed as well disengaged from this rope. she would as those merely contemplated. necessartly lose her life. In the spir One learns to fear the mountain as itual world, belief is the rope and the one yearns to love it. It is the fearthat 'face' is the face of G-d. prevents the climber from reckless There is both excitement and fear. action and It is the love that propels There is what one can physically see her to climb. For the ba'alas teshuva and then there is what one inter fear and love are a divine mixture: it nally knows, which cannot be seen. fills the lungs and as it causes and When the climber is hal!Way up the is improbable that a single individ sustains life, it fuels the fire of the mountain face she has two options: ual will climb every possible face on a neshama. she may look down and see Earth single mountain, yd she strives for The climber's fate is never assured. or she may look up into the heavens. an intimacy with that which she Each climb is a new climb, replete She may wish to return to sturdier wishes to master. )"et, she is master with its own unique set of chal ground with familiar markings. Or in only a relative sense; for the lenges. In each climb, however, a life she many choose to take the rtsk of greatness and unconquerability of time is lived, and sometimes lost. So, ascending into a higher plane. the mountain is truly master over all too it is in the Divine World. Each A mountain climber moves slowly that seek to know it in an intimate day begins, demanding only the very and with care across the face of the way. There must be respect on the best of efforts. But single days do not mountain. One hasty or thoughtless part of the climber for the magnifi assure one's fate as they do not con move is capable of producing a grave cance of that which she is about to stitute a lifetime; yet. together, they consequence. It takes a long time to experience. Which means she does constitute the sum of a life. If the make one such climb. In a lifetime, it not seek to conquer the mountain in challenge has been met, it is the sum a single day or in a single climb. of a life lived correctly. Devorah Rosen, a Fullbright scholar, Is a follower The ba'alas teshuva stands in And in the world in which G-d pre of the Bostoner Rebbe, Rabbi Le\.i Yitzchok Horo witz. of Brookline. Mass. This essay is part of a awe at the base of the mountain and sides, it is the life lived correctly that forthcoming book proceeds slowly and with care. There counts. 1111 The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 39 Dear Parent: A Letter From the Chairman of the Board of a yeshiva in a large-sized Jewish community celebrated for its comfortable life-style. Names have been omitted to protect the innocent and the not-so-innocent, and to help bring the message home to others who live elsewhere, but may stand to gain from reading this letter. ear Parents. NOT ONE SCHOLARSIDP I am taking the liberty of writ PARENT TREATED FAIRLY D ing this letter on my personal stationary rather than on a Yeshiva fter having had some time to letterhead as what I have to say I wish contemplate the matter, 1 to be taken as coming from a con year, without an Increase in tuition of A doubt if there is even one cerned parent rather than from the almost $400,000 we will be in exactly scholarship parent in the school who Chairman of the Board of the Yeshiva the same predicament a few months senses that he Is being treated fairly. I, As all of you are aware. the Yeshiva down the road. along with Rabbi--, have had to is passing through one of its most Unfortunately, the burden has not bear the brunt of the tears, anger. and difficult years ever. A few months ago fallen equally. Although parents of frustration being directed towards the we were confronted by a deficit of means could afford the tew thousand Yeshiva. Unfortunately, we have a staff around $750,000 and growing daily. dollars increase, the vast majority of of 80 people who must be paid on After an emergency campaign raised others have been forced into an un time, as they have families of their about $150,000 from very generous tenable situation. They are being own and at present we have little parents (three of whom I might add forced to pay outrageous sums of alternative. have each given over $50,000 to the money for tuition which many of However, the point of my letter is Yeshiva this year without fanfare) an them either have no idea where they not to be a historical treatise but assessment was imposed upon the will get it, or they will have to deplive rather to expose a malignancy that entire parent body. This, along with their families of necessities. This is has descended upon our community enforced early registration, reduced not the fault of the tuition committee. and which to a great extent is contli the deficit to around $225,000 which They were givena sum of$1,400,000 buting to our suffertng. If we do not is where it stands today. excluding to raise and their only task was to deal franldywith this problem now, it mortgages on the buildings which spread this incredible sum equally will only grow and sap the last ounces also drain off a tremendous amount over parents in similar income levels. of strength In our Torah institutions. ofcash each month. In spite of drastic And this still leaves us with $500,000 While our school and virtually every budget-cutting measures and new to raise by fundraising this year (no other Torah institution in town are fund-raising efforts to be started this small feat, I might add!). financially strapped, many parents in 40 The Jewish Obseroer I November, 1986 our own community are spending others to feel the need to match the pense of the Yeshiva. Do we really need such enormous sums of money on extravagance. that occasional $100 dinner con their own personal gratification that I know that these words will upset cluded by French pastlies? Wouldn't it is truly unbelievable. While one dis some people but it will not upset them that money be better spent on chi traught mother gave her wedding as much as I am upset over the nuch? Didn't we get along just fine band to Rabbi--as collateral for tui Yeshiva being forced into a position when therewasonlyoneGlattKosher tion that she could not pay now. many where it must cause people to suffer deli in town? Unfortunately I do not parents in the Yeshiva are buying in order to educate their children. have all the answers to these ques $1.000.000 houses in--. parents In conclusion, I alone accept res tions but I sincerely hope that we all who give minimal amounts to the ponsibility for these comments. And begin to search for them. Yeshiva each year. While scholarship to those parents who are in distress parents have been forced to borrow because of their bitter inability to pay large sums of money to pay assess the tuition that we are demanding of ment fees, parents who give small them. I request their forgiveness. donations to the Yeshiva are buying Sincerely, mink coats and human-hair sheitels xxx without inhibition, not to speak of spending enormous sums of money ADDENDUM: remodeling this and that part of the Although I have only cited some of house. While Bnei Torah are being the extreme examples above, most of 4916 l3th Ave.,.B'ldyn, N.Y.1 I.219 forced to keep their younger children us are also to some extent guilty of (718)854·2911 at home because they cannot afford to excesses in our daily lives at the ex- pay for them, other parents are mak ing simchas costing up to $100,000 with all sorts of gifts to the attendees. i1''J While some parents have been literally forced to take their children out of the DIAL-A-DAF Yeshiva. other parents of means refuse to donate to the school either because of some trivial infringement on their honor. or because they feel that all parents should pay full tuition. Yet these same parents do not know what it is like not to have-they have no comprehension of what it means to tell a parent to raise $800 when he earns $15.000 a year and doesn't have the slightest idea whom to ask for a large ad, nor the wherewithall to do it. A FEW MODEST PROPOSALS n view of the above, I would like to make a few modest proposals. I The next time that someone tells you about their new house, first ask them how much they gave to the * AVAILABLE IN YIDDISH Yeshiva this year? Let the commu OR ENGLISH nity know that we can live without * ONLY $6 PER MONTH & A ONE· TIME human hair sheitels but we cannot REGISTRATION FEE OF $36 treat our Bnei Tomh like this and NOTE: IN LONG ISLAND, STATEN ISLAND, ELIZABETH & PASSAIC, N.J. THE MONTHLY FEE IS S12. expect them to remain in our com AM eDOCATIONAL PROJCCT or munity. Make the community aware TORAH COl'll'flJNICATIONS l'IE1WORK that respect comes only from generos PRODUCCR.5 or DIAf...A-SHIVR lit MISHNAH O" THE PHONE ity. not from financial statements or 1618-0rd STRl:f:T, BROOllL\'J't, N.Y. 11204 Ylchus alone. In addition, encourage Name ______Tel.---- people not to be excessive in simchas, even if that person happens person Addre55 ----- Ci!y __ Stale_lip_ ally to be generous, as it only causes The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 41 dedication of the Chachamim who taught in the Talmud Torah, and of Letters the community that supported them. •••@@$@111®Gl\1JI! to the Such was the training and leader @$@@14\@l'lt®i!&@ ship they provided, that the Syrian •@••······· community felt itself a continuation Editor of the ancient communities left be· hind: there was a basis for communi· cation between the American com· munity and the communities in the Syrians fare better? "ALLEPO IN FLATBUSH": Syria and Israel. This link was WHY IT SUCCEEDED There was a far more important strengthened further in the 1960's factor than closeness that kept the as American-born Syrians began to Syrain Jews together. In Syria, there To the Editor: go to Eretz Yisroel to study in Se· was a strong tradition of support for phardi institutions there, and Syri· I couldn't let your book reviews Torah learning. In Aleppo. several ans from Eretz Yisroel came here to (April. 1986) pass without com· thousand families supported fifty strengthen Torah in America. In menting on one passage which con· rabbonim. This tradition of support such an atmosphere, a close-knit trasted the losing struggle of the was transplanted to the United community can preserve itself. A Ladino-speaking Sephardim to States, where rabbonim were im· good example of the effect of the maintain their ethnic and cultural ported from Syria and Eretz Yisroel Syrian Torah leadership is the drac indentity, wlth the Syrian Jewish as soon as the community could onian cherem placed on members of community, which has been able to afford to. By the l 930's, when the the community who intermarried, preserve "its traditional values, Syrian community here was 25 years and by its near-total observance: to thanks to its close-knit spirit" old, there were Syrian rabbis leading this day, the Syrian Jews have one of Certainly, the Syrian community the synagogues, and Syrian me· the lowest intermarriage rates of all was far more close-knit than that of lamdim teaching in the Talmud American Jewish communities. the Balkan communities: the Syrian Torah. There are those who say that By comparison, support for learn Jews came from two cities, while the there was not enough leadership ing among the Balkan Sepahardim Balkan Jews came from countless exerted by these individuals: their was much weaker, and did not sur cities and communities that stretch effect cannot be discounted or un· vive the voyage to America. Con· out over Turkey, Greece, Albania, derestimated, especially in the con· sequently, there was a dearth of Bulgaria, and Yugloslavia. Still, the text of the 1930'sand 1940's. Torah leadership among the Se communities of Izmir, Rhodes and The first American-born genera· phardi immigrants from the Balkans Salonica were as closely-knit as tion was able to learn the Torah tra· and Turkey: and there were few in· those of Aleppo and Damascus. In ditions of Syria from Syrian cha· dividuals able to transmit the Torah America, only the Rhodes commu· chamim. Middle-aged members in heritage to the American-born Se· nity in Seattle has had much suc the community today speak with phardim. Without the leadership the cess in keeping together. Why did reverence about the extraordinary Syrians enjoyed, it was only natural that the American-born Sephardim would cast away Torah observance, and with it, their distinctive ethnic identity. It is only in the last genera· tion that rabbonim have arisen in those communities, and they have learned in Ashkenazi institutions. Regrettably, much of the Torah tra INSURANCE BROKERS & CONSULTANTS ditions of these Sephardim have Commercial, Industrial, Residential, Life & Health been lost. The contrast between the Syrians and the Balkan Sepahardim is just • PROFESSIONAL SERVICE • another manifestation of the fact • QUALITY INSURANCE CARRIERS • that we are a nation, a culture, or a • COMPETITIVE PREMIUMS • civilization only because of the Torah. Without the Torah, ethnic and cultural loyalties are bound to disintegrate. BARBARA GOLDGRABEl'l/HESHY SCHWEBEL/EZRA HES LAWRENCE M. RIESMAN Brooklyn, N. Y. 42 The Jewish Obseroer I November, 1986 and that in such a match. neither unaware of it. the stage is set for all CIULDRENOF sorts of human tragedy. ABRAHAM'S HOUSEHOLD party has to bear the potential hos tility of in-laws who resent the fact 2. The marriage of two geirim puts that a ger married into the family. the couple's children in the same To the Editor: However. there are several reasons awkward existential position as a I would like to add a footnote to why this practice Is a bad idea. and first-generation ger is in, of being Falge Levy's excellent article on get should be discouraged. Here are four spiritually and culturally part of the rim ("Abraham's Household." JO. of them: Jewish people, but not having the Mar. '86). It is not uncommon for I. The marriage of two geirim link of a family tree that extends someone who is trying to make a creates a halachic situation in which back towards the generation of mat shidduch for a convert to suggest the daughter of such a union can tan Torah. another convert. Such a match has not-lechatchila-marry a kohein. 3. Rightly or wrongly, if a gerfinds at least two points In its favor; name (Even Haezer7:21) If their daughter himself constantly being set up with ly that a ger usually understands becomes aware of this fact. she will. gioros (or vice versa). he cannot help another ger's background and feel most likely. feel stigmatized and in but begin to doubt the warmth of his ings better than a born-Jew does. ferior because of it. If she remains welcome. 4. When two geirim many. the potential for chillul Hashem with regard to their non-Jewish parents is great. While the parents may be KOSHER?THAT'S GOOD. relieved that. against all odds. their child wound up marrying"one of his KOSHER AND GRADE A? own kind"{!). they must also be dark ly suspicious that the reason their M·M·M •••THAT'S TNUV~. child is marrying another convert ls HOME ATTENDANTS f1'.',__ -:> ',f, ' ~ ~ -( '·_ - --' .i:·"'.. :, r,,..,_-"'~-,A /.:,-:,._ . ~ :i :-. 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(Office for Homccare Refenal) TASTE THE DWCIOUSDIFFERENCE 1308-40th Street @ Brooklyn. NY 11218 853-2700 The Jewish Observer I November. 1986 43 because no "ethnic Jew" would have KAYAMA: LIMITED SUCCESS, him. Their suspicions may be totally GROWING NEED PLEASE HELP unfounded, but it is unlikely that any assurances from the young cou To the Editor: A boy of a family of l 0 souls ple will succeed in dispelling them. On behalf of Kayama, we would was hit by a truck. Shomer My own mother assured me, a few like to thank The Jewish Obseroer years back, that born-Jews "will for its accurate portrayal of our pro Shabbos driver was not in gram. We caution, however, that our sured. Boy lost speech, is in never allow you to become a rabbi or to marry their daughters." Baruch accomplishments thus far should in wheel chair, mother depressed. Hashem I have been able to prove no way be the basis for others to Need is great. Kindly issue tax her wrong on the first point. And, refrain from addressing the problem deductible check to Bikur while I have never refused a shid of the proliferation of mamzeirns Cholim Inc. and mail to: duch with a giores as such, it would and other deterrents to Jewish social be nice, for the honor of the Jewish unity. To the contrary, we suggest RABBI A VROHOM people, to be able to prove her wrong that our limited success has created BLUMENKRANTZ on the second. agreater responsibility on others, as the excuse of impossibility has been 814 Caffrey Ave. DAVID HOFFMAN Far Rockaway, N.Y. 11691 Kew Gardens, NY demonstrated to be but an excuse. Kayama invites referrals, and urges the Torah community to sug gest our services to unobservant Jews obtaining a civil divorce. In addition, Kayama solicits funds to both support its educational cam paigns and to defray the costs of obtaining a Get when the expense is a final deterrent. Kaya ma may be contacted by call ing 718-793-7350, or by writing Kayama, P.O. Box 4007, College Point, New York 11356. GEDALIA LITKE/MOISHE BANE College Point. N. Y. Two beautiful portraits of Rabbi Moshe Feinstein J"~l and Rabbi Yaakov Kamenetzky J"~l have been made by the noted artist Elie Benzaquen. wr~~'O!'r ~~ cA~L ) The cover of the October }lwish Observer featured Benzaquen 's highl)' acclaimed portrait of Rabbi Feinstein, J"~I. 1406-45th St. The portraits have been pmduced in lithograph form on 11 "x 17" fine TEFFILIN, MEZUZOS high grade heavy offwhite textured art paper. Each lithograph is presented SIFREI TORAH in a high qualit)', acid fi-ee, bevel cut presentation mat, and is plastic wrapped and read)' for framing (1(i.r20 ). We make "house calls" Each lithograph is signed and numbered b)' the artist and comes with a Rabbi Aiyeh Schechter certificate of authenticit)'. Special to readers of The Jewish Observer: To order, please send check or 718-851-1637 M.0. of $.36. for each lithograph. Please specif!• rrwt color: black, white, cream, Lt. gral' or dark srav p>'.;) ,,NY.l 011,J.N D Rabbi Moshe Fein.stein ?"::n D IWbbi Yaakov Karnenetz,kp ?"~ft N"JJ.l1 N"?J.lJ. 1Y.l'D1Y.l ,,1J. Narne MN Enterprise 0'Y1J.i'i1 O'l'i >nJ.J. 'lJ., )Y1\J1 CI\' 199f> For Practical Assistance in Address Morristov.rn, N,J. 07960 Settling Financial Disputc>s Tel. Orders: 201-538-9755 According to Din Torah in City ______state ____ Zip --- {ask fiJr Chaim) N.Y. and Vicinity. It should he noted that the earliest nurnben; in a lin1ited edition are 1nost pri=..ed a11d Rabbi Avrohom Meir Gluck valued and llu'Se rnay be secured b)' earl)' order. Please alloit' 2 - 3 11•ceks for delivery. (914) 356-5572 44 The Jewish Obseroer I November, 1986 HOTLINE TO JERUSALEM l\lEWSfROM In time of illness, surgery or crisis, special prayers will be AGUDATHISRAEL recited at the Western Wall and al our Yeshiva in Jerusalem. CALL 24 HOURS (718) 871·411 I A FREE PUBLIC SERVICE OF AgudathlsraelConvention,At The American Rabbi Meir New Site, To Tackle Emerging Baal Haness Charily Challenges To Orthodoxy: KOLEL AMERICA "A Growing Orthodoxy Faces Emerg An anticipated 3000 delegates and K1tiiliil11J;H, ing Challenges: A Time of Crisis, A Time guests will attend the convention, with & of Opportunity," will be the theme of the its keynote session on Motzaei Shabbos. Mishnayoth, Yizkor Yortzeit forthcoming 64th annual convention of following a Shabbos of unity and inspi· observed with a minyon in our Agudath Israel of America, It has been ration spent in the company of the most Yeshiva Heichal Rabbi Meir announced by Mr. Naftali Hirsch, chair prominent Gedo lei Tomh and Jews from Baal Haness in Jerusalem. man of the convention committee. all walks of life and all sectors of Or CALL A new site, the new and contemporary thodox life, coming from cities across the facilities of the Westin Hotel in Stamford. continent. (718) 871-4111 Connecticut, a short drive from New York City, has been reserved for the con Public Forum on Kashrus: "Kashrus in Kole/ America clave, from Thursday afternoon through the United States: Standards, Accounta l3Z Nassau St.• N.Y., N.Y. 10038 Sunday. November 27 to 30. bility, and the Right to Know" will be the The four days of intensive sessions will provocative subject of an open forum at focus on many pressing issues facing the convention, in which rabbinic ad PlN"CJJS.MANJ_)fil, .• Orthodox Jews globally. ministrators from four major kosher su With Torah life thriving in communi pervision agencies of differing natures cem~t~ryCortSµlt.lf!~ ties across the globe in spite of its pre wtll be called upon to respond to ques Ov~r 30 Years of D<: The Jewish Observer I November, 1986 45 Putting forth questions will be Rabbi are among the most popular features of "These Children are Ours": "These Chil Beryl Broyde. editor of the Koshergram, an Agudath Israel Convention. This year drenAre Ours: A Symposium on the Spe the popular bulletin published by the the topics will be: "Saving Lives, Saving cial Needs of the Special Child'" will form Merkaz Kashrus Board of Detroit. and Souls: Opportunities for Hatzoloh for another major session at this years Rabbi Yisroel Hisiger, Kashrus colum Jews in Lands of Peril"; "Choshen Mish gathering. The sensitive but clitical topic nist for Ohr HaKollel, the Zeirei Agudath pat in our Daily Lives: Answers to Ques will be addressed in a dialogue format, Israel Torah publication. The floor will tions People Don't Ask"; "Becoming Bet led by Dr. Abraham Twerski of Pitts also be opened to questions from the ter Parents: Attitudes and Approaches"; burgh, Pennsylvania, founder and medi audience before the conclusion of the and "Setting Legislative Priorities" (an cal director of the Gateway Rehabilita forum. Moderator of the Kashrus session interbranch session of Agudath Israel's tion Center, and a noted scholar and will be RabbiAvrohomTeichman. Rav of Commission on Legislation and Civic author in the field. He will be joined by Agudath Israel of Los Angeles, who also Action). parents and educational experts per heads the local Kehilla Kashrus Supervi A special presentation on "Shmittah sonally involved with the realities facing sory Organization in that city. in Eretz Yisroel Today" will complement families with children bearing physical, the program, which will include DafYomi mental, or emotional disabilities, the Shiurim daily, as well as Shiurim and integration of such children into the Brass Tacks Workshops: Workshops on drashos from noted Rabbonim and broader community, and the communi the nitty-gritty qiaestions of Jewish life Torah scholars. ty's response to their difficulties. BIG APPLE COPY & PRINTING CENTER INVITATIONS 87 NASSAU ST SOCIAL PRINTING CRAFTED WITH DISTINCTION NEW YORK, NY 10038 (212) 962-4282 CCSTOM INVITATIONS FOR YOCR (212) 267-9478 WEDDING, BAR MITZVAH, DINNER AND ORGANIZATIONAL AFFAIRS FROM FACTORY R&A Design will create a REPRESENTATIVE stylized monogram or logo DESIGN SAVE!!! that will be yours forever. n~iu innu (718) 376-2335 ZAVE AN URGENT REMINDER SHERLIN FROM ORCHESTRA (718) 434-3540 CHEVRA DOR YESHORIM Also Available As ONE MAN BAND YOUNG PEOPLE OF MARRIAGEABLE AGE i~ 1 tt:l: MUST BE TESTED CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST in order to prevent the scourge of Tay-Sachs disease from striking the next generation, in DR. BENZIQN accordance with the directives of the Gedolei Hador. SOROTZKIN Call for an appointment. (718) 384-6060, (914) 783-1370, (914) 425-4466 Psy.D. No fee. Confidentiality assured. !'{'(.STATE LICENSl:D CHEVRA DOR YESHORIM, INC. (718) 372·3111 33 Spencer Street• Brooklyn, N.Y. 11205 ' ' 46 The Jewish Observer I November. 1986 Religious~Secular Tensions in Israel: taneous translation into English of Yid and Rabbi Yaakov Perlow, Novominsker "Religious-Secular Strife in Eretz Yis dish speeches and addresses at weekday Rebbeand member of the NesiusofAgu roel: Roots, Realities, and Responsibili sessions of the convention {including dath Israel of America, are the treasurers ties" is the title of one of the theme sym the Motzaei Shabbos keynote session). of Keren HaShviis in America. Rabbi posia of the convention, and will include Registration for the convention is pro Avrohom Kliers is the director of the addresses by two figures uniquely suited ceeding rapidly apace for the convention, American campaign. to address the topic: Rabbi Boruch Shi and the committee urges individuals In accord with the call of the Torah mon Solomon. Rav of Petach Tikva. Is who plan to attend to make their reserva leaders,Agudath Israel ofAmerica. tradi rael, and Rosh Yeshiva, Yeshiva Nachlas tions now through the Agudath Israel tionally in the forefront of efforts in the Dovid, who has become a symbol of the office at 5 Beekman Street. New York United States and Canada on behalf of battle to halt public desecration of (212) 791-1800. A reservation form can this project. is working closely with Shabbos in Israel through his leader be found in the Convention ad in this Keren HaShviis in expanding its activi ship of regular protests against the Fri issue. ties on the continent. Contributions can day night opening of the Heichal Cinema Rabbi Elya Svei, Rosh HaYeshiva, Ye be mailed directly to "Keren HaShviis'', ln his city: and Rabbi Levi Yitzchok shiva Gedolah of Philadelphia and mem located at Agudath Israel's national offi HoroWitz. the Bostoner Rebbe-Boston, ber of the Moetzes Gedolei HaTorah. ces at 5 Beekman Street. New York. N.Y. who besides his center in Boston has established a flourishing community in Har Nof, Jerusalem, where he resides a good part of the year. The Moetzes Gedolei HaTorah ••• and Anti-Orthodox Militancy In the ofAmerica joins the Torah Leaders U.S.: In counterpoint to the session on the Israeli scene, an intensive sympo of Eretz Yisroel in Calling sium entitled "Battleground USA: Com batting the New Anti-Orthodox Mili for Your Support of the Men tancy" will seek to come to glips with a rising tide of disinformation defaming of Valor Who are Keeping the Orthodox Jews and Judaism, emanating from Conservative and Reform leaders Shmittah During the Year 5747. and hostile elements in the media. Pro minent Rabbonim on the front lines of Orthodoxy in dealing with this pheno The Moetzes Gedolei HaTorah menon, as well as others intimately (Council of Torah Sages) of America familiar with the issues, will assess the turns to you to help the valiant inde problems and their possible solutions. pendent farmers who have responded Simultaneous Translation: Officials to the call of Moshav Kommemius to have announced that for the third year, keep the Sabbatical year of rest. arrangements will be made for simul- These men now must find means of support during this year of abstinence from farming. Israel's Torah leaders have created a fund to support this c2J1ATANA undertaking-Keren HaShviis-with yALLEI(Y a budget of over $3 million. l\ahln lsmc/ Spirn (B/u;;:)WvCI' J?.rhhc!: Bycontributinggenerously to Keren 4H06 18th Ave. Rlihhi Ym1krJI' Yitzrlwk /?.U(knmm (l~u~h HaShviis, you are participating in the Brooklyn, N.Y. (718) 851-4448 l'cshh~i. N1·r !.~rue/, Baltimorc)/R.llhbi A1n1!111m \'1111kov llaCohn1 l'am llfosh heroic mitzvah of keeping the Shmit Ycsliiva, Afc.~ii,111 Tmuli Vt1d(lnth!/EV1hhi T./Fa .~Fci IUu~/1 i'1;~hit111, \'1whiw1 (;cdola tah and-as our teachers have told nfl'hilwlclphi11JifU1/Jhi Afmrll'Chui G(ftcr Jewh.;h book<;;, Judaica, Taleisim IF?.ri~h Yc.~/lil'a, 'fr/she l'r.shi1•u, ()ivdmull us-hastening the arrival ofMoshiach. Mezuzos, personalized Talis bags, Tcfilin ba«f;, Yamwlkasarui Clwl.ah covers, records and ta(J('..S, lucite, silver, scrni-pre.ciou<;; stone.'> and gold ------KEREN HaSHVllS In response to the call ()fGedolei iewelry. c(o Agudath Israel of America l'lsroel I run enclosing my contrlbu- 5 Beekman Street iion of$ to Reren HaShvlis. Ne\'/ York, N.Y. 10038 .. · Name ------.-.---- .. ALL AT SUPER T~asurers: Rabbi £lya Svei Rabbi Yaakov Perlow Address------. DISCOUNT PRICES! (Novominsker Rebbe) . City, StatejZip --~~--'----~- The Jewish Observer I November. 1986 47 Whether you come for all four days or for just one of the exciting public sessions ••• Don't miss this provocative Agudath Israel Convention. ij![fl ·fJDJ.)'1·1jij 3·Ji[ele); This year at a new site: November 27, 245 ~M The beautiful Westin Hotel in Stamford, Cl November 29, 8:00 PM Greetings· Rabbi SlmCha Shusta! KEYNOTE SESSION Resh HJ Yeshiva. Yeshiva Sais 81nyomin THE THEME: Greetirgs from Stamford the Moetzes RabbiVaakovYltzchok Ruderman Open<>g Session OUR DEPARIEDGIDOLIM: PERPETUATING A Growing Orthodoxy Faces Gedolel Rosh HoYeshivo, Ner Israel. Baltltnore THE LEGACIES OF RAV MOSHE FEINSTEIN HoTorah AND RAVYAAKOV KAMINETZKY, zr·L Emerging Challenges: Address RabbiMordeehaiGifl&r Speakers· Rabbi lleuven hlnstein A Time of Crisis, Rosh HaYeslivo. Tels he leshivct Cleveland RoshHaYeshiva, Mesivta of Staten Island A Time of Opportunity Greetings from Rabbi Yosef Harari·Raful ~bi Shmuel Kamenetiky the Neslus: Rosh HoYeshlva. Yeshiva Gedola of Rosh HaYeshiva. Aferet Torah Philadelphia Special Rabbi Etya Essas ij·1J ~J.ij~f e]•]; n: (: Messages· (formerly of Russia) Overview Rabbi Yekuslel lltfef$feld November 28. 1000 AM Rosh HaYesh!va, Yeshiva Harbofzas Torah Rabbi David Zagari Zichron Shneur WORKSHOPS I. SAVING LfVE~ SAVING SOULS: (formerly of lran) Public Forum· KASHRUS INTHE UNITED STATES: OPPORTUNITIES FOR HATZOLOH FOR JEWS Message: Rabb! Moshe Sherer STANDARDS,ACCOUNTABILllY, AND THE IN LANDS OFP!RfL President, Agudoth Israel of America RIGHT TO KNOW Leader Rabbi Shlomo Berger Chairman. Agudath Israel World Director. Near and Middfe East Section Organization Respondents: Rabbi Yisrotl le~ky Agudath Israel's Vaad L'Hotzolos Nidchei Yisroel (in alphabetical Rav HoMochshir. Kosher Supervision Service Guestirom Rabbi Aharon Dovld DUnner order) (Kaf K) with a panel of participants in on exciting Europe: Dayan, Hlsochdus Kehillas HaCharedim, Hatzoloh project Rabbi Menochem Genack London Rabbinic Coordinator. Koshrus Divis\on, Uriion If. CHOSHEN MISHPAT IN OUR DAILY LfVIS: Chairman: Rabbi Chaskel Besser of Orthodox Jewish Congregations of ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS PEOPLE DON7 ASK Presidium.Member, Agudath Israel of America (OU.) Panelisls Rabbi Hillel David, Rabbi Chaim Kohn America Rabbi ShlomoGross Ill. BECOMING BETTER PARENTS, RAISING Doyan. Belzer Kehillo BETTER CHILDREN: ATTITUDES AND SUNDAY MORNING APPROACHES Rabbi Moshe Heinemann , Panelists- Rabbi Moshe Kupetz, Dr. Jacob November 30, 10:30 AM Rabbinic Adrnini'stratot Vood HaKashrus of Mermelstein Symposium: Baltimore (Star K) THESE CHILDREN AH OURS: IV, SETTING LEGISLATIVE PRIORITIES A SYMPOSIUM ON TH! SPECIAL NEEDS Robbi Beryl Broyde. Editor. Koshergram. (lnterbranch session of Agudath ls100!'S OF THI SPECIAL CHILD Merkaz Lay Kashruth, Association of Detroit: Commission on Legislation & Civlc ActiOn) Dialogue Dr. Abraham Twerskl, M.D. Rabbi Yisroel Hlsiger, Kashruth Columnist Leader: Founder and Medical Director. Gateway OhrHaKolfel. V. NATIONAL CONFERENCE FORAGUOATH ISRA!L IRANCH RAllONIM Rehabuilation Center. m~burQh Moderator Rabbi Avrohom Teichman Perinsy1vania Rav HoMachshir. Kehilla Kashrus Supervlsory A parent a student and a community Organization (Los Angeles) figure coricerned with the issues facing MAIN ADDRESSES (In order of oppeoronce) special children Rabbi Yaakov Perlow 1u111 ·tJ ii-\3 i'J i!ll!tc Novomfnsker Rebbe 1111:1 tt)):,t@J ·j:11:r( November 27, 8:00 PM Rabbi llya Svel November 30, 11:45 AM Rosh HaYeshiva, Yeshiva Gedola of Ph\ladelphlo SHMITTAHIN !RITZYISROIL TODAY Symposium: BATTLEGROUND U.S.A.: COMIAmNG A production of Keren HaShviis. Kommemius. Rabbi Menachem Mendel Mendelson THE NEW ANTl·Ol!IHODOX MILITANcY Rav. Kommemius. Israel I Rabbi Yaakov Feitman •roe Rabbi AV'rohom Chaim Levin Rav; Yourg Israel of Cleveland Symposium· RILIG!OUS•S!CULAR STRIFE IN !RITZ Rosh HaYeshivo, Tels he-Chicago YISRO!L: ROoTS, REALITIES, AND Rabbi BerelWeln RESPONSES Rabbi Simcha Bunim Ehrenfeld Rav. Congregation Bois Torah o1 Suffern. NY Speake~ Rabbi loruch Shimon Solomon Mattesdorfer Rav Dean, Yeshiva ShaareiTorah of Rockland Rav. Petach Tikvah Rabbi Avrohom Pam Introduction: Hillel Goldberg Rosh HoYeshiva, Yeshiva Nachlos David Rosh HaYeshiva. Mesivta iorah Vodaath Senior Editor, lntermountain Jewfsh News, Rabbi Levi Yftzchok Horowitz Rabbi Aryeh Malklel Kotler Denver. Colorado Bostoner Rebbe, Boston and Hor Nof. Rosh HaYesh\vo, Beth Med rash Govoha. Lakewood Jerusalem Aquestion-and-answer period will follow Greetings from Rabbi lfya Fisher every symposium and forum theNesius· Rosh Kollel-Ger -----"!"'------~------.------MAIL COUPON TODAY FOR CONVENTION REGISTRATION INFORMATION AND/OR CHARTERED BUS RESERVATIONS. AgUdoth[imllM TO SESSIONS 1SROE1 of 'IN"\\91 NAME--·----·------·- _r;.m•L\1ti&ig BOIO!'o:lrk ADDRESS ------·- 1vC~1i0~ ASI) j;;JAv~ AMERICO ilp'1l'lNl. t