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4-2-2003 The inonW an Winona State University

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Sports This issue was inspired by all April Op/Ed Fools. Do not believe anything you Winona State read (unless you want to). For the real What are hires new these editors campus news, events, entertainment running from? mascot, and sports, see Pages 9-14. Page 4 Page 8

Vi ii once State YliA7e,rsi ty WENONAHAN- Wednesday, April 2, 2003 www.winona.edu/winonan Volume 3 Issue 1 Budget problem solved President Krueger wins Powerball; shares wealth with students Kristen Berns before registration. Mexico for spring break next year. "I was scared some students might have to quit He also plans to fund a project to build a new ±.41, WENONAHAN school because tuition is going up next fall but this football stadium at WSU. Negotiations for the stadi- o rvo amen fc.ors will prevent any students from leaving," Krueger um are still in early planning Krueger said. He It's a win of a lifetime for Winona State Universi- said. hopes to have to new field finished by next year. ty President Darrell Krueger and a win for all the Krueger also said his winnings will help profes- "They're really a great bunch of guys and it's pry frOptip tot as, students too. sors and faculty pay raises at WSU and help prevent about time. We have new turf and a new stadium ',UMW preng rvif • sw After winning $40 million dollars in last week's the potential lay offs that would happen if Governor would look good too," Krueger said. rooms,' ritp 0x1 ,,,$5 Powerball, Krueger, without hesitation, has decided Pawlenty's budget cuts pass. The official announcement of the winnings will to pay the tuition for all WSU students. "I wouldn't feel right if I kept the money just for be Friday, April 4 at McCown Gym in Memorial "I've had it with this budget problem. This is a myself. This way no jobs will be cut and students_ Hall where WSU students can eat lunch bought by community of learners and I don't want anything to won't have to take out those loans that they'll spend Krueger. Students can also register to have their get in the way of their dedication to improving the the rest of their lives paying off," Krueger said. names in a drawing for a chance to win $1,000 in world," Krueger said. "I'm not the gamblin' type Krueger said after he's done spreading his wealth bookstore vouchers. but I do love my Powerball." there won't be any budget problems at WSU. All students who wear purple and show a valid Krueger found out he won the lottery last week Of course Krueger is saving a little bit of the win- ID will get in free. and wanted to surprise the whole student body nings for himself. He plans to travel to Cancun, Meghann Miller/WENONANHAN The new "laptop program" at WSU Faculty Quill screwed and ink over in replace I contract laptops mishap Theodore Evans WENONAHAN

Paul Sloth Winona State University's lease of Gate- way laptops is expiring, and instead of mov- UNSPECIAL TO THE WENONAHAN ing forward with technology, WSU has A computer error that went unno- decided to sprint backwards. Quill and ink, the early 1800s form of ticed until after the legislature voted Jenny Butler/WENONAHAN communication, will be replacing laptops against contract ratification, has Min- nesota university faculty working at Another helpless Winona State student becomes the victim of the huge friggin' worm harboring in due to a recent survey finding laptops ineffi- cient and more distracting than beneficial. 1898 salaries. the tunnel that connects Lourdes and Maria Hall. On Friday, janitor Ash killed the ugly thing with a The survey found that the laptops "While this is a really big error, Remington shotgun. Alas, Winona State is once again safe from giant student-eating evil worms. required many trips to the technology center until the contracts are renegotiated it for upgrades, and students would often use will save the state billions," Governor the laptop computers to download music, Tim Pawlenty said. "Heck, with pornography and instant message friends. these savings we will probably sin- "It is much easier to catch a student pass- gle-handedly wipe out the budget ing a note than to catch them chatting with deficit." anitor kills huge worm friends on a laptop," Joe Whetstone, direc- If faculty thought going back to 1998 wages was bad, wait until they tor of technology at WSU, said. Supporters of the quill and ink program see what teachers made back in 1898. believe students will benefit from the time Teachers at the Winona Normal and effort needed to write term papers. School made $200 a year, and there in Maria-Lourdes tunnel Emphasis on calligraphy and blotless was no such thing as health benefits papers will help students to not take com- back then, the only benefit was a free Brian Krans creature approximately 100 feet long out," Ash said. munication for granted, Whetstone said. room in the faculty dorm, which once and more than 10 feet across at its Upon arrival, Ash found the crea- Incoming students must sign leases, for stood where Morey Hall stands today. WENONAHAN widest diameter, said Winona State ture filled the entire tunnel. the set of three handmade quills and quart- "We are looking to see if any fac- biology professor Russell Scrat. According to Ash, the worm had sized crystal ink bottle, at registration. The ulty members are interested in staying A janitor killed a giant worm-like The Graboid's body is covered three heads, which seemed to extend quill and ink plan will be costing students in Morey after the students leave for creature in the tunnel connecting with a dense, leathery carapace mak- from the mouth. the summer," said Tess Krueger, $200 per semester. • Lourdes and Maria Hall on Winona ing it hard to kill, said a Winona State Seeing the opportunity for 15 min- At the end of a two-year lease, students director of human resources. "That's State University's west campus Fri- janitor. utes of fame, Ash said he called a are given the option of purchasing their quill really all we have to offer." day. The janitor, Bruce Campbell — Wenonahan reporter immediately. and ink writing set for an additional $20. While Morey would be converted The creature, a Graboid, is similar who asked to be referred to as Ash for When the reporter arrived, Ash Upgrades for the quill and ink combo are into rooms for faculty, they would to that seen in the epic drama block- the article-- said a student contacted was standing at the bleeding mouth of included in the lease. Students can also still be able to use the facilities. buster movie "Tremors" - starring him about the creature. the Graboid. comb out grease clumps on the quill and "If they want to use the weight Kevin Bacon. "She was pretty shaken up, so I fig- find free ink refills at the technology center, See Screwed, Page 3 The Graboid is a worm-shaped ured I would go down there to check it See Worm, Page 3 in Somsen Hall. 1 New security task force whoopin' ass

Bill Radde David "Loco" Kolodzinski when the library was first his methods were effective said, "The primary objec- opened." in making group study UNSPECIAL TO THE tive of G-SET is to relieve The impetus for the task rooms safe again for other WENONAHAN Winona State of the force was spearheaded by groups who wished to uti- pompous and arrogant indi- political science professor lize the space. For all of those groups viduals who selfishly and student senate advisor In lieu of a state-wide who have ever wanted to indulge upon the library's James Bromeland. budget crisis, the student actually use the group study 12 group study rooms, and "We had a similar prob- senate was unable to allo- rooms, but have been to once again make it safe lem while I was attending cate any funds for the task deterred by individuals in for groups to utilize these Mankato State University in force, but a donation recep- these rooms, have no fear; a quarters." the 70s," Bromeland said. tacle will be mounted in the new task force is here to Kolidzinski and his task "A couple classmates and I main entrance of the library. enforce the rules. force partner Nicole went around scaring out the "Donations will be nec- The Group-Study "Whoop Ass" Flor will stray hippy that would occa- essary for the purchase of Enforcement Team was equally split the 16 hour sionally lock themselves stun tasers, tear gas, hand- recently activated by shift. into a group study room. cuffs, night vision goggles Winona State University's "We are going to be ded- Unlike the students of today and the construction of a student senate. icated and thorough in our who monopolize the rooms temporary holding cell," The two member splinter enforcement, and we will for academic purposes; Kolodzinski said. "This faction of Winona State's have little to no patience for these students would use the task force will be a progres- security was approved in a Jenny Butler/WENoNAHAN repeat offenders," Flor said. opportunity for usage of sive step towards ending the unanimous vote yesterday "These individuals have mind-altering herbal selfishness of individuals G-SET enforcement officers David "Loco" Kolodzinski and Nicole "Whoop during student senate's been abusing the group drugs." everywhere." Ass" Flor is shown detaining Stephen Bobrowski outside of one of the eight hour meeting. study policy since 1999 Bromeland testified that liV.ary's many group study rooms. Senior task force leago.r

April 2, 2003 Newz Page 2 Sly Stallone replaces student senate president; no one notices

tOdati: Simply heavenly today. Tem- Brian Krans When student senators were asked why article due to enhanced security at the Tau WENONAHAN Romaine was missing, the most common Center. peratures remain in the 80s response was, "What?" "We cannot deny nor confirm the pres- with zero humidity. Just a "I don't know what you are talking about. ence of Tony Romaine at this time," Sister Sylvester Stallone, the 1980s action star, Maria Antoinette said. hi 71,: tow: hint, don't go to class today. has replaced the Winona State University Stallone volunteered for the project e 82 student senate president. because he and Romaine have a long-run- In light of a recent assassination attempt, ning friendship that began during the filming Tony Romaine has sought sanctuary in the of "Stop or My Mom Will Shoot." tluArsday fridzuj saturdag stArtdaY Tau Center since January. "I owe it to him. Tony told me I would be Romaine was the target of strategic terror- a fool not to do that movie and look what it

4 t ist attacks from 12 unknown students, did for my career," Stallone said. vs, sources said. Halting filming on "Rocky IVX", Stalone yA :4 4 The students attempted to overtake the came to Winona State clad in American flag senate office after the meeting to cut funding boxing trunks and gloves. Few Sunny Snow Tornados to the bocce ball club. Even that substantial detail didn't throw showers showers The unknown suspects launched bocce off students. balls at the student senate office using a "I think you are full of s#!t," senior Van hiqk: tow: ;-.1Ah: tow: l: tow tow: makeshift catapult. Tony Romaine? Nolin said. 52 43 79 71 hA -1 69 -15 The office was completely destroyed, but Student senate president Stallone said the most difficult part of the no one was hurt. job is dealing with apathetic students. The bocce ball club denies any accusa- He's right there in his office," senator Tom "Those lazy bastards. I tell you, if I were extertaezi. outlook tions of the attack. Groves said as he pointed towards Stallone. still doing Rocky, I would beat those kids Stallone has taken over presidential duties "There is absolutely no way that isn't into submission. That would get them moti- Of course, this weather is completely made for Romaine including lobbying for Tony. Look at him — that's Tony," senator vated," Stallone said. increased higher-ed cuts, sitting in his office Andrea Flump said. Reconstruction of the student senate up. But with Minnesota, you never know... and doing other stuff Romaine does. Romaine could not be contacted for the office is not scheduled to be done — ever.

source: weather.com Greek life Worms again Continued from Page 3,which was continued from Page 1 Greeks welcome new frat said. would have waited a few min- Kristen Berns This week the pledges will be busy doing all the secretive stuff Scrat said he wanted to do utes before he started shooting we can't print in this newspaper, but we can guess it's drinking WENONAHAN beer, going to the bat, hitting each other with wooden paddles on extensive testing on the Graboid, it," Scrat said. but was unable to do to the While at Winona State, speak- Winona State University will have a new fraternity coming to the ass, having after-bars and more beer drinking. unsightly incident last Wednes- ing for the Lyceum Series, Bacon Vice President of DLB Dave Schmuker said they haven't decid- campus next fall, Drinka Lotsa Booza. day. declined comment about the This fraternity is rumored to revolutionize Greek associations at ed where the DLB frat house will be but said he and Reeds are "I wish that ignorant, gun- incident and any connection it WSU by introducing first-year students to their first cup of warm looking. According to Schmuker the choices are a shack on the wielding, redneck of a janitor may have had to his movie. Busch beer, over charge students at their packed parties, pick up Mississippi River or the basement of Bulls-Eye Beer Hall. cigarette butts on campus as community service, teach their fellow "I'm just worried we won't be able to find a place in time before brothers the skills of trying really hard to pick up girls and allow next year because we want to make sure all the freshmen know anyone to join their fraternity. where to go for the parties with funny flickering lights and music English department DLB expects they'll also be well established at WSU for years to from the 80s," Schmuker said. come because so many of the new brothers will be around for the Reeds also said DLB will hold their meetings every Sunday next six to seven years before they actually graduate. night and pledges have to bring their own beer to drink in order to "It's gonna be great. We're all going to live in a house together, get in. adopts Pig Latin "Face it, we're a fraternity, we like our booze. We're gonna fight about who has to clean what and decide what girl we should Brian Krans say. all date at the same time," DLB president Andy Lager said. drink lotsa booza," Lager said. WENONAHAN Hen-way old-tay hat-tay Ig- Official recruiting for the new brothers started last week. Both Lager and Schmuker are excited for next year even though pay Atin-lay as-way ot-nay a-aay "The turnout was great. I think we'll have the best dang frat in they're the only two official brothers. They definitely think as ounty-cay, Utien-lay of-gay ut- town," Lager said about the three potential brothers who came to pledge week continues they could get four or maybe even five He-tay Inona-way Tate-say oay f-oay is-hay hair-cay nd-aay the pledge meeting for beer, pizza and a little hot tubbing. pledges for their frat. Niversity-uay Nglish-eay epart- alked-way way-aay ith-way is- Lager said he hopes more people will consider becoming "We've been working really hard on our secret hand shake and ment-day nnounced-aay Uesday- hay ead-hay ung-hay ow-lay. pledges because the fraternity will provide them with beer and life we've already memorized our fraternity drinking song that we'll tay hat-tay t-iay ill-way ow-nay He-tay urriculum-cay hanges- long friends they can't find on their own. sing at the bar," Lager said. e-bay sing-uay Ig-pay Atin-lay cay n-iay he-tay Nglish-eay n-iay 11-aay f-oay ts-iay ourses- epartment-day ill-way nclude- cay. iay he-tay xclusion-eay f-oay Om-tay Ringo-gay, a-ay Nglish-eay 111-ay o-tay e-bay epartment-day pokesperson-say, eplaced-ray y-bay Peaking-say WSU sorority headlines MTV reality show aid-say he-tay iverse-day ature- Ig-pay Atin-lay or-fay Ummies- nay f-oay he-tay anguage-lay ill- day 101-ay nd-aay Peaking-say way ncrease-iay he-tay iversity- Ig-pay Atin-lay or-fay Ummies- Kristen Berns we'll let in," Rolande said. Rolande said she hopes the MTV show will help clear up mis- day n-iay he-tay Nglish-eay day 300-day. WEHNONAHAN epartment-day. Dopte-aay n-iay he-tay 1970- conceptions or stereotypes people might have towards sororities "Dministration-aay irmly-fay say, Ig-pay Atin-lay as-way sed- MTV's hit reality television show "Sorority Life" is coming to and the members. elieves-bay his-tay hange-cay ill- uay y-bay he-tay Epartment-day Winona State University to follow the recruiting of the Tri Mega "Lots of people think we're only about dating other frat boys but way enefit-bay tudents-say fay-oay Efense-day s-aay a-ay Tampon sorority. we're not. We do lots of other things too," Rolande said. She said mmensely-iay," Ringo-gay aid- ay-way or-fay he-tay Ecret-say "I'm so excited. I just can't wait," said TMT president Tasha the sorority went on a special outing this weekend just to buy new say. Ervice-say o-tay ommunicate- Rasha. "Our sorority is great and we're really silly girls and like makeup for the show. "We can't be on television looking like Ig-pay Atin-lay, a-ay cay ithout-way he-tay nemy-eay we can't wait for them to come." we're honor sorority or anything and ruin our dating lives," anguage-lay eard-hay ommonly- aving-hay nowledge-kay o-fay An MTV spokesperson said the Tri Mega Rolande said. cay mong-aay chool-say hildren- he-tay nemy-ay. Tampon sorority would be a good sorority to Both Rasha and Rolande said their fellow sis- cay, ill-way e-bay tudied-say n- Ringo-gay ad-hay o-nay follow because they represent all of the ters in the sorority were excited to hear the news depth-iay tarting-say n-iay he- omment-cay bout-aay he-tay ass- diversity that sororities have. of the television show. tay all-fay may tudent- Rasha said after TMT heard the news they "We don't even need to call any of our friends emester-say. say rop-day called the girls together for an emergency because like the only people we're friends with "Nd-aay ut-oay n-iay meeting in order to get new t-shirts made up. are in this sorority," Rasha and Rolande said. t-iay s-iay a- he-tay "We can't possibly be on the show with- With all the excitement of making t-shirts and ay ood-gay Nglish-eay out our new sorority shirts and plus it was a buying new makeup the sisters of TMT haven't ay-way or- , tory- epartment- real hoot just to make them," Rasha said. been able to participate in their usually activities fay tudents- day. TMT isn't sure where the show will be Tasha Rasha and want to apologize to the students body of say o-tay Nn-Anay Winona State and community. filmed at because TMT doesn't have an offi- "Yeah, like we haven't been writing on the ose-lay heir- say Olin-nay aid- cial sorority house but said they're hoping TMT President tay Id-west- say, "I-ay MTV "like hooks us up with a pretty phat sidewalks on campus with chalk lately and we may ccent- an't-ca house with lots of diet soda." haven't held any Mary Kay parties either. But aay," Ringo- elieve-bay Vice President of Tri Mega Tampon Mindy Rolande said she's like soon we'll be doing that again," Tasha said. gay aid-say. Our -yay Om-may hat-tay oeo- worried that some girls will come to rush week next fall just to get TMT plans to hold an open rush meeting in the beginning of Fter-aay ple-pay re- on television. next fall and invites any girl who wants to join TMT to attend. aay till-say Information about where and when the meeting will be held will be nnouncing- Glish-e ay Rofessor - pay "Like I know some girls will try to do that. But it really doesn't aay he-tay eading-ray matter because whoever shows up and tries to join our sorority written on the sidewalks with chalk in late April. ecision-day, ver-oay alf-hay f- his-tay upid-stay ory-stay." oay he-tay Nglish-eay tudents- Inona-way Ate-stay epsena- say t-aay Inona-way tate-say tives-ray ould-cay ot-nay ay-say iled-fay or-fay a-ay hange-cay f- f-iay his-tay as-way he-tay orse- Editor-in-chief Ad Reps Meg "Crazy" Stevenson oay ajor-may. way ssue-iay o-fay he-tay Stacy "I'm taller than Lindsey "??" Schilling Missy "Diva" Teff "Here-tay s-iay o-nay ay-way Inonan-way. Winona State University you" Booth I-ay m-aay oing-gay o-tay peak- F-aay ou-yay re-aay till-say News Reporters Editorial Columnists say ike-lay n-aay diot-iay or-fay eading-ray his-tay, Od-gay ave- Managing Editor Kristen "Fire" Berns Jacob "Liberal" LaRow a-aay egree-day," enior-say Odd- hay ercy-may n-oay our-yay oul- Wenonahan Jenny "High life" Miller Lauren "Gondo" Elizondo Ryan "Random" Lynch tay Anges-gay aid-say. say. Ted "Shaggy head" Afsina "Warrior princess" Anges-gay aid-say ecause- Ig-pay Atin-lay, a-ay News Editor Evans Yildiz bay e-hay s-iay hanging-cay is- anguage-lay eard-hay ommonly- Established in 2001 as Winona State Univer- Ann "Damn redcoat" Dean "Taxidermy" John- hay ajor-may, e-hay s-iay xpect- cay mong-aay chool-say hildren- sity's first student April Fools' newspaper, the Nolin son Sports Reporters ing-eay o-tay e-bay t-aay Inona- cay, ill-way e-bay tudied-say n- Brian "Krayola" Krans Wenonahan is managed, funded and operat- Forrest "Trees" Dailey way Tate-say or-fay t-aay east- depth-iay tarting-say n-iay he- Sports Editor Katie "Tippy-toes" Joey "Tribiani" Finck ed by and for members of the WSU community. lay here-tay ore-may ears-yay. tay all-fay emester-say. Jen "4-mile" Powless Rademacher Ben "Uncle rice" Grice Nglish-eay rofessor-pay, On- F-iay ou-yay re-aay ot-nay The 5,000-circulation newspaper is just for fun Ashley "NASCAR" Rober- Photo Editor Photographers day Utien-lay aid-day e-hay ored-bay et-yay, on't-day orget- and should not be taken seriously. For you son hinks-tay he-tay witch-say s-iay fay hat-tay his-tay ntire-eay squares who want the real news, try page 12. Jenny "Polish hooker" Ty "Meter man" Gangel- n-aay xcellent-eay dea-iay. ssue-iay s-iay ade-may p-uay. Butler hoff The Wenonahan is WSU's exclusive source ' Distribution "He-tay niversity-uay s-iay 0-say n-iay onclusion-cay, Meghann "Mulligans" on't-day orget-fay o-tay rink-day for all students with a sense of humor. Everyone Feature Editor Miller Becky "Up too early" ig-bay n-oay ultural-cay iversity- Allard day, o-say his-tay ill-way ring- our-yay eart-hay nytime-aay ou- else can just *#@! off. Are you really reading Adam "I amuse myself Doug "Super sports" bay n-iay ore-may Ig-pay Atino- yay an-cay. this. Why? Crowson Sundin lay eople-pay," Utien-lay aid- On't-day ead-ray nything-aay. The Wenonahan generates 85 percent of its Online Editor Cartoonists Advertising and budget through Ferbee sales. The remaining 15 Melissa "Techie" Daul Latham "Triple L" Luep- Business: 457-5677 percent is provided through the editors' per- ke News and Feature: ♦ Study tip of the week + sonal bank accounts. Subscriptions for persons Ad Manager Jennie "Foxy" Silvernail 457-2425 source: weather .com outside the university are available from the Mayumi "Miami" Taka- Brian "Not Krans" Small- hashi Sports and Advertising/Business Manager. beck Andy "Basko wolf" Vernc- Photography: Are you STILL procrastinating? The Wenonahan is copyrighted and may 457-5520 Classifieds nocke not be reproduced without permission. Mike "Always high" Fis- Managing Editor: Didn't we tell you to knock that 457-5119 Please address all correspondence to: The cher Arts & Variety Fax: Winonan, Winona State University, Kryzsko Cord "Rope" Blomquist off last year? 457-5317 Guest Bitch Brian "Trenchcoat" Gal- This study tip was not brought to you courtesy of Commons, PO Box 5838, Winona, MN 55987. E-mail: Bill "Man Whore" Radde lagher [email protected] the academic assistance center, but they've always Naomi "Never late" Ndubi wanted to say it

April 2, 2003 Page 3 Newz Emeril takes over Chartwells contract

Lauren Elizondo each of his employees, the Jack but seating will be reduced to the establishment once a week for a WENONAHAN Kane Dining Center staff will be patio because storage will be free cooking show and auto- flown to New Orleans for a pri- needed for equipment and sup- graphs. vate interview with Emeril him- plies that will be used in the Some students around cam- Next semester, Winona State self. Wilbur Werker, an employ- restaurant. pus are very enthusiastic about will be making way for Emeril ee of WSU The meal Emeril's restaurant opening. Lagasse. The world famous chef food ser- plan that WSU Anita Ete, a sophomore at WSU, has signed a contract with vices, said, currently has said, "I just can't believe Emeril WSU's food services to open a " I am I justipan't believe will also be Lagasse will be making food for restaurant on campus. Though a excited to remodeled. us!" college campus in not a tradi- fly to New eiltliagasse Instead of hav- Emeril has even influenced tional restaurant location, Emeril Orleans, be ing a specific the education board. WSU staff has decided to embrace the put up in a "making amount of members are in the process of southern Minnesota setting and big fancy food fo us. • meals per negotiating a culinary arts pro- establish a restaurant that will be hotel , and week, the meal gram here at Winona State. known as Emeril's Fine Fixin's. have a per- Anita Ete plan will be Ike N. Halp, a WSU nursing The restaurant will be located sonal inter- combined with director, said, "We are in the in what is now known as the Jack view with Sophomore student Kryzsko Cash process of changing the nursing Kane Dining Center. Construc- the Emeril and will only program into a combined pro- tion will start May 1 and go until Lagasse, be useful for gram with culinary arts." By the first week of the fall semes- my idol." the Wharf, Blimpie's and the combining the two programs, ter. Presently, Emeril has six Emeril will be providing salad bar. There will be no meal WSU hopes to decrease the cost restaurants in the United States. lodging at a five-star hotel, free transfers for the new restaurant. of building structures and sup- Three of them are in New entertainment and free meals for However, students will have plies used. Orleans, two in Las Vegas, and the three day interviewing the opportunity to eat at Emeril's Overall, Winona State is one in Orlando, Fla. process in New Orleans. Fine Fixin's with the use of their thrilled to be working with Employees of the Jack Kane With the arrival of Emeril's own pocket money. Emeril, and a culinary arts pro- Dining Center were invited to restaurant, WSU has decided to Though Emeril is a very busy gram is in view for WSU in the apply to work at Emeril's Fine do away with a general cafeteria. with his television shows coming years. Fixin's. Because Emeril likes to The Smaug will still provide "Essence of Emeril" and "Emeril have a personal connection with Blimpie's subs and a salad bar, Live," he will be visiting the Stacy BOOth/WENONAHAN Doozers are working around the clock, finishing the Grinch finds new home in hills of Winona Sarnia street dorms before students move in August. Stacy Booth WENONAHAN Doozers take over After 50 years in Whoville, the Grinch has decided to relocate to the hills near Winona. "My hill in Whoville was getting crowed- dorm construction ed, especially after Carolyn moved in," the Grinch said. "Carolyn is my girlfriend. I met Stacy Booth her at that first Christmas dinner with the WENONAHAN Whos, and we have been falling more in love with each other every day since then." With students ready to move into the Sarnia street dorms at The Grinch found a comfortable hill just the end of August, officials became worried about the progress off of Highway 61. It looks very similar to the with the current contractors. When reviewing the timetable of hill left behind in Whoville. construction, it was decided last week to fire the current contrac- "I needed something with the same basic tors and hire instead the Doozers, of Fraggle Rock fame, to fm- shape," the Grinch said. "It just made it easier ish the job. to fit my stuff and arrange it how I wanted it. "They did an excellent job rebuilding Sheehan Hall last year," This hill is a little bit smaller, but thats okay. John Ferden, director of auxiliary services, said. "Because they Carolyn has been helping me weed through were so efficent and their contruction is so sound, we decided to my stuff and get rid of what we don't need." hire them to finish this job. The Doozers were more than happy Because of his move, the Grinch had to to come in and complete the buildings." quit his meat-cutting job in Whoville. He has Last year the Doozers unexpectedly moved underneath Shee- since found a job as a chef at Prime Steak 'n han Hall and started building after their caves filled with their Cake in Winona. He said he enjoys his job, contruction. The Doozers explained their caves were full but misses his friends in Whoville. because the Fraggles quit eating their contruction work due to its "Its hard getting used to things around high fat content. Grinch said. ."People don't sing as "We are more than happy to finish this job," Cotterpin Dooz- much here, and their clothes are so boring. er said during a phone call. "Doozers build, it's what we have But I'm slowly getting used to it, and Carolyn always done, and is what we will always do. If someone wants to is a big support." pay us for building, then we're going to take it. Besides, these The Grinch has plans to decorate his hill, are simple buildings to build. The hard stuff was already done which he purchased for $104,000, with when we came on site to finish the job." Christmas lights. Cotterpin also said students should be thankful they are fin- "I want everyone to be able to see it from ishing the work. "We do high-quality construction that is going the highway, and know who lives here," he to last for years," he said, "As long as the Fraggles stay away." said. "I plan to become a productive member Ferden added: "We are taking precautions to keep the Fraggle of this community." population away from the new site. When the dorms are finished So far, the Grinch has said he and Carolyn Stacy BOOth/WENONAHAN The Grinch, after falling in love with Carolyn Who, has relocated to this hill they will be coated with an anti-Fraggle paint, something that have had no bad experiences in Winona. tastes bad to them, but until these dorms are finished they are "Sometimes children shy away," he said, near Highway 61 by Winona. The Grinch said his old hill was getting crowd- still tasty to Fraggles craving a fatty treat." "but I just wave and smile, and they usually ed and he wanted a new place to live in with his girlfriend. So far the couple Doozers are working around the clock on the buildings and respond back. My evil Grinch days are behind hasn't had problems being accepted in the community, although the Grinch Cotterpin said he expects they will be finished ahead of sched- me. ule. He is hoping Winona State will be impressed with their work "My heart is much softer, thanks to Car- said sometimes children shy away from him. "But I just wave and smile, and they usually respond back." and will hire them back to finish the new science building. olyn," he said with a shy smile. "The company that is working on it now is doing a good job," Cotterpin said, "but we can simply get it done faster for a cheap- er price, and it will last longer. We just a better value than any human construction company you can find." Ferden said there are no plans as of yet to put the Doozers on University announces nothing the science building job. "We might hire them to work on some beautification projects we have, however." Cotterpin became excited when the beautification possibility Stupid students wait around for answers when university just hoses them arose: "We would love to work on something other than a build- ing. Benches might be interesting. I bet we could make really Brian Krans "Have you seen the third floor of Minne? not to be named, said, "I can't tell you any- awesome paths, too." WENONAHAN Dear Lord, it is not healthy," sophomore Joe thing at this time, but it will be huge." The Kensmoe said. spokesperson's name was Hugh Gass. Winona State University announced yes- The university's announcement had the No one from the university would say terday that it would make a drastic change to what the announcement would be, but they Screwed Continued from Page 1 the way it does everything. all assured reporters it would be, "super spe- The university had kept the announce- cial." ments under wraps for over 100 years. Dumb-ass junior Adam Anderson said, room and the pool tables, sure salaries for at least two month. After budget cuts, campus over-beautifi- Oth, ooh "Ooh Ooh, what can it be? I can't wait. The they can, so I guess those are a That's cold comfort for the cation, billions of dollars in tuition increases, tan it excitement is stupendous." few more benefits we can WSU negotiator Matt Hyle. and other stupid things the school has done As the waiting continued, students began offer," Krueger said. "If Pawlenty has his way he to screw college kids over, the university be? `1 can't to gather all across campus to hear the The state Inter-Faculty Orga- is going to really push for a said it finally got everything right. announcement. nization negotiators won't meet wage freeze, and then who Students were buzzing with rumors of wait. In the end, the university announced it until June now so the teachers knows how long we'll have to what the university was about to unveil. had nothing to say. will be making their adjusted suffer," Hyle said. Some thought it was lowered academic Adam Anderson "It was fun watching all of those stupid standards. students "If they expect us to be perfect, why can't Dumb-ass junior gawk at our they be perfect too," Derick Gardner said of office," Gass faculty expectations of students. entire community of learners wondering how said. the university would dedicate themselves to Bodies of students killed Other students thought it could be more money dedicated to classroom improve- improving their world. ments. A university spokesperson, whom asked by sprinklers piling up Worm Continued from Page 1 Katie Rademacher who have died from the sprin- strangest thing that I have ever WENONAHAN klers. seen, I do all that I can for these Once these students were students, but it all seems to just "I already shot it once. You let students know what goes on underground thorough Winona it stuck by the overpowering jolt happen so suddenly, it's just wanna see me do it again?" Ash here at Winona State," Hill said. caused rupturing of many water The sprinklers around cam- of water from the sprinklers crazy if you ask me." asked the reporter. "You're not going to put that in pipes. pus have been taking the lives they immediately fell to the Students are advised to wear With a nod, Ash shot the the paper, are you?" "That is why there has been of Winona State University stu- ground and started to become full body water proof suits that worm again with his shotgun. Hill said the remains of the all those pipes breaking all over dents. short of breath. can be purchased at the WSU When asked about the gun, creature would be taken to the the place," Hill said. "We just There has been persistent When found, they were bookstore for $9. Ash responded, "This is my Winona State cafeteria. told everyone it was because of water problems with the sprin- immediately rushed to Commu- A variety of colors are avail- boomstick. It's a 12-gauge, dou- "Let's see what Chef Emeril the cold weather a few months klers around the WSU campus, nity Memorial Hospital in able. ble-barreled Remington pump," can do with it," Hill said. ago because we had no clue what but this was a shock that no one Winona. Each student was The suits are protecting Ash said. "Shop smart. Shop 5- Professor Scrat said the we were doing." expected. It's a tragedy that we placed on a bed where they many students from the deadly Mart." Graboid found the cold, damp Twisting spines or spikes up have to find a solution to and began to sing children's songs. sprinklers, but not everyone, With 27 more shots at the area very inviting. to several inches long protrude in fast. The most common one was Old there are still a few students Graboid, Ash finally killed the The Graboid traveled west irregular rows, forming rings The sprinklers around cam- Mc Donald. who are affected when wearing creature. from New York underground around the Graboid's tubular pus have been turning on ran- Then they would begin to the suits. After Ash successfully killed because the rats in that area were body made the creature immo- domly throughout the day and run frantically around the room "Whenever you go outside the Graboid, Winona State direc- now longer suitable for its taste. bile in the tunnel. night. throwing things at the wall, still make sure that you have protec- tor of construction Kevin Hill Because of the size and num- "All these factors combine to Ron Biouski, a sprinkler singing their songs. tion from the deadly sprinklers, ordered a nine-man crew to ber of rats in the tunnel at make the Graboid a startlingly expert at WSU said, "There are Suddenly they would turn for they can take your life from remove the remains. Winona State, the worm was sophisticated creature, despite its chemicals that have seeped into green and their heart would under your shoes," Biouski "I think we can get this ugly able to sustain itself a food primitive appearance," Scrat the water system from some- stop. said. thing out of here before anyone source, Scrat said. where unknown." Dr. Choldga, from Commu- really notices. We don't want to When the Graboid traveled See Worm again, Page 2 There have been 38 students nity Memorial said, "This is the

April 2, 2003 Warriazzz Page 4

Ex-WSU footballer runs 'wild'

manager, who works at the Minneso- races," Lilla said. Ben Grice ta Zoo, said I have to be careful A typical race, or in Lilla's case, WENONAHAN though. I need to make sure the chee- sprint, will run 50 yards. tahs are fed well prior to the race." "Even though I'm used to running Instead of seeking a possible Although he's always dreamed of a 40 [yard dash], I'm confident I can career in the National Football win," Lilla said. "I just have to League, former WSU star football focus on running my race." player Adam Lilla is taking his The Pronghorns, assembled in blazing speed elsewhere. To the 1995, are one of the top teams in Sahara Desert. I know I'm faster the GRC. Last year, despite losing Lilla, who rewrote the /Warrior than most two racers — one to an irritated record books during his four years elephant and the other to an under- playing wide receiver, has decided humans; I want to fed cheetah — the Pronghorns to join Africa's Gazelle Racing Cir- placed third out of eight teams. cuit. The senior signed a contract see if I can out- Lilla hopes he can help them with the Pronghorns yesterday; run animals too. improve. terms of the deal were undisclosed. "I'm confident I can add some- "I guess I just wanted to try Adam Lille thing special to the team. I think I something different," Lilla said. "I give the Pronghorns a legitimate know I'm faster than most humans; Cheetah racer shot at the GRC title." I want to see if I can out-run ani- The team with the most VOA's mals too." (Victories Over Animals), wins the The GRC features races matching catching passes in the NFL, Lilla is highly coveted Silver Saharan Cup. humans against gazelles, zebras, ele- excited about the opportunity at "I never imagined I'd abandon phants, and other non life-threaten- hand. my quest for a Lombardi Trophy for ing animals. Lilla, however, has his "I'm really looking forward to it. something like this," Lilla said, "but eye on the ultimate foe, the cheetah. The weather's warm, I've heard most I have to say, the Saharan Cup is con- "My goal is to beat the best of of the animals are friendly and stantly on my mind." best, the cheetahs," he said. "My ESPN's televising some of the Photo manipulation by Jenny Butler Ex-WSU wide receiver, Adam Lilla, races a cheetah for his new career. Homer Simpson new WSU mascot Wazoo out of a job after hip injury lands him in the hospital

Jen Powless naut, small business owner and dreamer. Homer is fond of Duff Beer, donuts,' WENONAHAN Marge's pork chops and watching the After a tragic accident while learning Bee Guy on the Spanish channel. His a new cheer, Winona State University's dislikes include his previous boss, Mr. mascot, Wazoo the Warrior, was admit- Burns, yard work and his previous ted into intensive care at Winona Com- neighbor, Ned Flanders. One can only munity Memorial Hospital. expect that Homer will also dislike his According to the doctor's report, the new boss, President Darrel Krueger. Warrior suffered a fractured hip after While Homer and his family are slipping in the mud after a backflip. excited about Homer's new job, there "On a young person, an accident like are some downfalls to the job. this could easily be recovered from. "When they told me this was a dry However, due to the age of Wazoo, he campus, I thought they meant that it did- will never be able to cheer again," said n't rain ever," Homer said "I don't know Doctor Hibbard. The Warrior reportedly if I can spend an entire football game celebrated his 97th birthday last week. without a Duff Beer." Homer's son, Bart, is very enthusias- Photo manipulation by Buthead As a replacement, Winona State has Homer Simpson, the new Winona State University mascot poses for his first picture with the cheerleaders. recruited Homer Simpson as their new tic about Homer's new mascot job. mascot. Homer and his family have just "Aye Carumba! Homer gets to hang moved to Winona from Springfield, out with hot chicks all the time now," he we have built for ourselves." and Scratchy here, man," Bart said. Homer didn't seem nervous about his where Homer managed to earn the dis- said. Homer said another advantage to Lisa Simpson, Homer's eldest new job during the interview. tinction of being the longest-term entry- Homer was chosen by WSU Athlet- moving to Winona was that Bart was daughter, was ecstatic about the move. Watch for Homer at this week's base- level employee at the nuclear power ics Director Larry Holstad. "I think he now farther away from Sideshow Bob, "Now I'll be able to attend college ball and softball home games. plant. Homer juggles the roles of hus- exemplifies much of what Winona State the man who wants Bart dead. for free!" she said. "This is something band, father, bowler, beer drinker, astro- is known for... drinking and laziness," "But we don't get Krusty or Itchy I've been waiting for, for a long time." Holstad said. "We're proud of the name High school star to play Duff Beer Bowl to be held at WSU Stacy Booth and Jen Powless and bit into his jelly doughnut. The event is not welcomed by everyone, however. basketball for WSU WENONAHAN A group of students has announced they plan to pick- The first annual Duff Beer Bowl is going to be et the event, which they feel encourages drinking. Forrest Dailey mean, when I set foot in McGown gym, I held at Winona State on Saturday. The bowl is a "We don't believe the school should take advan- just knew that this was it. I wanted to be a tage of some students alcohol problems in order to WENONAHAN fundraiser for the new retractable roof stadium WSU part of the legend," said an ecstatic James currently negotiating. raise money for a stadium," said Angie Sober, one of the students planning to participate in the protest. High school basketball phenom LeBron during the press conference. "We decided to go with the Duff Beer Bowl in "There are ways to raise money besides selling cheap James stunned fans, coaches and sports Leaf said "We do have an experienced honor of our new mascot, Homer Simpson," said beer and providing beer bongs. This is going to be writers yesterday, deciding to pass up on team. My only concern is finding a place Tom Sawyer, Winona State University football nothing but a raging party." entering the NBA draft, instead announcing for him in our roster. Obviously we would- coach. "We're going to have Duff Beer available to Sober said there will be approximately 55 students he will continue to hone his skills at n't have scouted him if we hadn't thought anyone 21 or older during the game, and all the we could use him. We're looking forward to money will be funneled into the picketing at Maxwell field Winona State in the fall. Saturday canying signs and James, from St. Vincent-St. Mary High seeing what he's got against college guys." stadium budget." James is a forward, a position at which Duff Beer agreed to supply drinking water. School in Akron, Ohio, ended months of "We're trying to round up the Warriors already have Eric Doster, Jeff the beer for free, both to promote speculation yesterday at a press conference as many people as we can," where he announced he had met with Mike O'Donnell, and Travis Leech. James will be their name and to promote the having shoot-arounds with the other for- new career of their largest stock- she said. "The issue here, we Leaf, WSU's head basketball coach about need to remember, is not wards to learn his place on the team. holder, Homer Simpson. playing roundball in Winona. WSU's' plans for building a "It was between UCLA, Michigan, and "I like this small town life. Maybe "We're proud to have our nobody in the press will know I am here," name associated with such an new stadium. The issue is the Warriors. The Warriors just have that the university making quipped James. interesting individual," said Bob history, you know, that aura about them, I money on something that Boozer, Duff Beer spokesperson. Plans for the bowl include encourages dangerous and dollar glasses of beer, one minute Homer Simpson unhealthy behaviors." Although school officials at the beer bong for $3, drunk agree that it might not be the cheerleaders kissing booth and WSU mascot wasted football players wearing best way to make money for Busey lands deal playing the stadium, it is going to Charmin padding. Oasis, the famed feuding British pop band, will raise the most money in the shortest amount of time. provide the half-time entertainment. "We decided in order to get this stadium built, we basketball with the T-Wolves "Of course we're going play if they're giving us needed to capitalize on a favorite past-time of many free beer, man," said Liam Gallagher, frontman of the college students," said an administration employee group. "It's like, we're all about 'Cigarettes and who asked not to be named. "We're also going to Joey Finck game on Saturday against the Phoenix have police and medical personnel on hand in case Suns. Alcohol.' " WENONAHAN His brother, Noel added, "We are here for the free anything gets too wild." "If he is anywhere as intense or psychot- The bowl starts at noon and will run until 6 p.m. ic on the court as he is in the movies, I think beer, and the free beer only. Song requests are going Academy Award nominated actor Gary The first game will be WSU football players against we got us a good player," said head coach to be ignorned, and we are not going to play 'Won- Busey signed a two year deal to play with derwal,' no matter what." each other, and the bowl will end with a game Flip Saunders. between the drunkest people in the crowd. the Minnesota Timberwolves this morning. "I am looking forward to playing with To raise extra money for the stadium, the band is Timberwolves general manager Kevin "We're going to have those who think they're the Busey man," said Wolves star Kevin Gar- going to raffle off signed Duff Beer T-shirts. Raffle McHale said that Busey signing was to help tickets can be purchased in the athletics office or at most drunk stand on the field and we will determine the team's push into the post season and nett. who makes the teams based on applause," Sawyer Although Busey is known for his alco- the gate on the day of the event. home court advantage during the first round said. "We're going to make everyone in this match hol and drug problems, the team thinks his "We're really excited Oasis agreed to play the of the playoffs. Terms of the signing were wear those sumo wrestler costumes when they play past is behind him. "We all need to give half-time show," Sawyer said. "They might bring in not disclosed. people that might not normally go to watch a football to prevent injuries, and to make it a little more fun." Busey who is known for his roles in Busey a chance," said Saunders. The Duff Beer Bowl is free to WSU students and Busey himself could not be reached for game." movies such as The Buddy Holly Story, faculty. Anyone with questions about the event can comment. When asked if he was going to enjoy the Beer Predator 2, Point Break, Under Siege, and Bowl, Homer Simpson just said, "Mminm... beer," contact Tom Sawyer or call the athletic office. Lethal Weapon is scheduled to play his first

April 2, 2003 Page 5 Artz & Variatee

SPOTLIGHT "Penis Monologues coming to re— WSU!" See Page 7 'Girls Gone Drunken fight Wild' visits breaks out at UPAC concert partyhouse Adam Crowson WENONAHAN Brian Krans WENONAHAN A toothless fight broke out Tuesday night on the Student Union stage at the UPAC sponsored Cletus The Slack-Jawed Yokel (www.mulletsgalore.com )/WINoNAN Students that missed the party at 376 W. country concert. Fourth St. last night need not fear — they can The Winona State Mullet Club takes a break from a heated soccer game on Maxwell The group, 10 Gallon Hat, played to a packed see it on video. Field to pose for a picture for the Winonan. The Mullet Club meets every Saturday night, crowd in the Student Union — until the fight The popular full-frontal nudity video series at a different member's house every week, then they tap a keg. broke out. "Girls Gone Wild" sent a crew to the local Alcohol was believed to be the reason the party house known as "The Attic House." fight began. With knowledge of Winona State Universi- "I wish these numbskulls would get it through ty's good-looking female student body, direc- their heads that Winona State is a dry campus," tor Oliver Klosoff said it was about time he Joe Reed, director of the Student Union, said. made a video in Winona, Minn.. "Come on! A week ago we had that whole issue Picking a house party to visit was not a dif- with the Jazio Blaq concert and all these kids ficult choice, but Klosoff said he was confident bringing in liquor. Now we have this concert!" New club asks The concert, which was open to the public, in the one he chose. heard that this house is so bad with stupid began at 7 p.m. and after an hour of good, solid drunks that we were surely going to find some- country music, the crowd began to get rowdy. thing worth filming," Klosoff said upon his One man, dressed in tight Wranglers, a striped arrival at the Fourth Street House. cowboy shirt, a nice cowboy hat and leather The two-man crew began filming after the cowboy boots, shoved another guy wearing tight first four kegs were gone at 10 p.m. Wranglers, cowboy boots and a well-groomed members to join mullet, because the first man thought the second "I don't mind showing my chest for the camera. I do it all the time," said Winona State was moving in on his woman. University freshman Ali Koholic said. Meg Stevenson males, females can also join the Mullet Club, After a heated argument, Reed intervened to With cameras rolling, girls bared their WENONAHAN given that they have the adequate hairstyle. On tell the two men to calm down and enjoy the midriffs for T-shirts, Mardi Gras beads and the this subject, Random has some advice. "If girls get show. chance to hide their faces in shame for the rest Recently, Student Senate approved a pew club mullets, sometimes they look a little butch. But we "I thought about kicking them out," Reed of their lives. on campus: the Mullet Club. This club, founded respect them for wanting to be like us." said. "But, the music was good and everyone Within hours, the crew had enough footage by WSU students, was approved for the $250 Random said that he hopes the group can form else seemed to be having a good time so I to make four different videos, said Klosoff. worth of funding that all new clubs receive at the allegiances with Winona State Rod and Gun club, thought I would be nice and give them a chance." Even famed rapped Snoop Dogg made an official Senate approval meeting Wednesday. and those really "hot sorority chicks" for events in But the fight pursued. appearance at the party. "The mullet club looks to foster appreciation the future, and present "some really rad diversity The second man, with the mullet, wouldn't let "I'z needzy to seezy the ladidieez. Fo and understanding with regards to hair freedom," stuff, if ya know what I mean." the fight drop so he approached the first man sheezy," Dogg said. said club spokesperson, student Rick Random. We The club is co-sponsored by the World Associ- from behind and punched him in the head. Dogg haS. hosted This own videos in the don't want to be stereotyped any more." Random ation of Mullets- Winona Chapter, also known as Pretty soon, both of the men's posses joined "Girls Gone Wild" series. (and his club) invites everyone to the first annual WAM. in, and a big drunken fight ensued. Tenant Derick Kensmoe said he enjoyed the "Mullet Hunt" April 2 on campus. WAM is a national organization, founded by "I couldn't believe it," JimBob Schmidt, the experience. The hunt will be unorganized, but the club will celebrities George Michael and Billy Ray Cyrus in guitarist in the band, said. "All of a sudden, lots "This is nice change to our normal parties," be armed with cameras to capture pictures of "the the late 1980s and early 1990s. of bottles came out of nowhere and were being Kensmoe said. "And the fact that we didn't greatest mullet on campus." Anyone with a picture Currently membership is down, so the Winona broken off with all these redneck hillbillies try- have to buy the beer was pretty cool." or a suggestion can send them to the Winonan, chapter of WAM, along with the Mullet Club, ing to stab one another." One tenant tried getting himself into the who will give them to the club. hope to convert "those not so cool long haired "One guy tried to hit another guy with a action. First prize is a carton of Camel unfiltered ciga- guys to our cooler side." Anyone can join either moonshine jug," Billy Bob Horton, the band's Dan Anderson tried flashing the camera, but rettes, estimated to be worth approximately $20. club, both of which meet at area bars. For informa- drummer, said. "I felt bad for the guy, but damn, the crew turned the camera the other way. Second prize is a free mullet hat, which turns, any tion, contact WAM's Web site: www.mulletpre- that was funny." "Aww come on! People want to see these hairstyle into a mullet, and, Randoin said, "It serve.com WSU Campus Security was first to respond to too," Anderson yelled with his shirt up. makes any person instantly cool." In related news, the Mullet Club Attempts (and the scene with security guards Nate Greenberg, Four windows in the front of the house were The mullet, for those unacquainted with the Fails) at Wooing Advisor. Riley Stejskal and Carla Corrigan trying to settle broken when students became violent after hairstyle, was popular 20 years ago with adults The Mullet Club showed up at their advisor's down the rowdy crowd. But, the trailer trash being denied entrance into the house. and children alike. house with a keg and a case, and still nothing hap- Tuesday crowd was too drunk for the three to As the sun came up, the Winona State party- It is a long hairstyle, with long hair in the back, pened. handle, so they decided to call in personnel with goers began returning to their dorms to prepare and significantly shorter (sometimes spiked) hair The club watched COPS and a NASCAR race, more training. for this morning's classes. on the sides and the top. However, Random argues but things turned violent because Jeff Gordon, not Within minutes, the Winona Police Depart- Dogg was last seen leaving with four girls with the typical mullet stereotype. Dale Earnhardt Jr. or Rusty Wallace, won. ment responded to backup the three security under each arm heading towards the Winona "You can have a mullet but not have mullet- The failure of the mullet club to find an advisor Guards. State campus. tude," he said. According to mulletsgalore.com , is due in part to Tom Grier, a professor of mass The concert, just like the Jazio Blaq concert a The crew said their good-byes and left with- mulletude is "the attitude that comes with the communication here at WSU. week prior, was ended abruptly. out staying to help clean up. adornment of the mullet, such as: scowling or Despite that he was pursued "kinda stalker-ish" "It was a good thing that the security guards "What the hell guys? You expect us to clean sneering at those who don't have mullets, engag- by President and spokesperson Rick Random, he called us," Frank Pomeroy, Winona Police up?" said tenant Joe Gartner. - ing in fights on a regular basis (preferably with declined the once in a lifetime opportunity to Depai intent chief of police, said. "I have no Gartner said he would not clean up until the those who are not part of the mullet brotherhood), advise the group in their hairstyling choices. doubt in my mind that those three students were crew came back. listening to butt-rock, attending monster truck ral- "Grier is just a cool dude," said Random, "and he capable of handling the situation — but this "This party was off the hizzel," Snoop Dogg lies, driving a Chevrolet Camaro (model years already has cool hair." Grier has worked on cam- crowd was too rough. I'm glad they called for said. 1970-1993), working in construction and drinking pus for many years now, both as a professor and as backup." When contacted this morning, Klosoff said, alcoholic beverages on a regular basis." director of the Public Information Office, which is Pomeroy said that Winona Police confiscated "I will never go back to that flop house." Personally, Random says that he prefers "the now called University Communication. Grier an approximate total of 15 gallons of alcohol. The videos are expected to go on sale newer butt rock — Kid Rock (without Sheryl respectfully declined the offer to speak for this Fifty empty beer bottles were found around the "before most of these girls graduate," Klosoff Crow, she makes him a wimp), and the classics article, because he did not want to cause his fami- floor, as well as a few cases of beer still full. said. like Metallica, AC/DC, and of course, Poison." See NASCAR fan, Page 7 Also found were full jugs of quality Wabasha, Although mullets have been more popular with Fillmore and Winona County moonshine, all dis- tilled in the rolling hills of each of the three counties. Also found scattered around the dance floor Quartet from Colorado were several, bloodied and broken human teeth. performs in Music Series Adam Crowson formance!" Laura Putzer, program WENONAHAN coordinator for the Residential College, said. "I personally thought it was really cool that we were able to have this per- Four boys from a small Colorado formance from these boys, singing town performed Thursday night as part some of their favorite songs." of the International Music Series. Not everyone was pleased by the Kenny McCormick, Stan Marsh, performance though. Kyle Broflovski and Eric Cartman, all Housing and Residence life director, from South Park, Colo., sang some of Mike Porritt, a Canadian, walked out in their favorite songs, with the help of protest during the group's performance some special, featured guests — at the of "Blame Canada." weekly performance. "I just didn't find that song appropri- Brovlovski sang "The Mr. Hankey ate," Porritt said. "I guess I don't song," as well as "The Dreidl song." understand what it's all aboot. I mean, Cartman sang a moving rendition of "0 really. Other than Bryan Adams, what Holy Night," as well as his show stop- has Canada done to the United States?" per, "Kyle's Morn's a Bitch." Marsh said, "We're sorry, dude, that As an ensemble, the boys performed he was upset." "The Easy Mmminkay," "It's a quiet Brovlovski added, "Yeah, my broth- Sunday morning in our quiet mountain er Ike is Canadian. It's not like we were town," "The Underpants Gnomes," going out of our way to make him "The Journey of Lemmiwinks," "Walk- mad." ing Tacos that Poop Ice Cream," "What "Damn French people piss me off!" Online Photo Ty Gangelhoff/WrNoNAnAN would Brian Boitano do," and the boys Cartman said. UPAC bouncer Skyler Philman, was Clockwise, Kenny McCormick, Eric Cartman, Kyle finished their set with a cover of Ter- "They're not French, fat ass!" one of the Security Guards on duty at Brovlovski and Stan Marsh performed last Thursday rance and Phillip's, "Shut your (exple- Brovlovski said. night in the North Lounge of Lourdes Hall as part of the tive delete) face, Uncle (expletive "Canadian, French, it's all the same the Country Concert, turned Toothless International Music Ensemble. The four boys are from delete)." difference," Cartman said. Brawl where Winona Police confiscat- For an encore, the quartet, joined by South Park, Colo. "Mmmrmmmph Mrrrrmmmmph ed gallons of liquor found on the their mothers, sang another stirring per- Mrrmmmmph," McCormick said. dance floor. formance of the song, "Blame Canada." "Right on Dude," Brovlovski and "We were really excited for this per- Marsh said.

April 2, 2003 Page 6 Artz & Variatee Holy F$%#@!•st SS.#@! 'Piglet's Big movie' was freakin' awesome finally having his own movie. And Piglet didn't range for such a young piglet. Like his co-stars, we the movie more than makes up for its lack of a disappoint in this phenomenal movie. see a totally different side of Piglet. He dabbles in Spelling Bee winner on the crew. Screenwriter "Piglet's Big Movie" starts out with a daring kangaroo-style hallucinogenic drugs, which Kanga Brian Hohlfield, who brought us the "Six Degrees heist sequence, showing the true colors of the ani- gives him to most likely seduce him into wild, of Kevin Bacon" staple "He Said, She Said," crafts mated icons, as they scheme to steal the honey of inter-beast romp in the proverbial hay. But Piglet a wonderful story using a magical technique that Brian Gallagher an unsuspecting beehive. Piglet arrives on the denies her advances, showing his true purity. He is eliminates an aspect of movies that is used all too scene and wants to help out his friends, but he is depressed, alone, but never down for the count. He often: a plot. His use of confusing-yet-beautiful deemed to be too little by his friends and they shut never gives up and triumphs over adversity show- flashbacks throughout almost the entire movie will God of Film him out of their plan. Piglet then leaves, broken, ing how little ... well, pigs can do big things that not only have you bewildered but spiritually alienated from his friends and wondering if his life many thought only teenage pigs could achieve. He moved. I know it's still early, but I can hear the has any meaning. But after Winnie the Pooh and even shows his unselfish nature by appearing in Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay calling company realizes Piglet is missing, they go on a only about 30 minutes of screen time, out of the Hohlfield's name, and he definitely deserves it. search to find their friend, and, in doing so, realize brilliantly short 75 minutes of the film, relinquish- Director Francis Glebas, who directed a seg- how important the little piggy is to them. ing the spotlight to his co-stars. Heartwarming, ment of the pothead favorite' "Fantasia," directs Starring Piglet the Piglet, Winnie the Pooh the I really liked that they showed the reality of simply heartwarming. with clarity and vigor. He has great control of his Bear, Tigger the Tigger, Eeyore the Donkey, Rab- Piglet's friends. Winnie the Pooh, the honey-eating The movie isn't categorized as a musical, but it actors, who have been rumored to be quite a hand- bit the Rabbit and Christopher Robin as Dr. Doolit- bear, shows us that the rumors of his eating disor- should be with several amazing song-and-dance ful on the set and he handles the action scenes, like tle (because he can talk to animals ... and stuff). der are in fact true. The pudgy little Pooh is routines that will leave "Chicago" "Feeling Min- the one where they brave the mighty rapids to obsessed with honey, even almost turning his back nesota." The best dance sequence has to be the one retrieve Piglet's book of memories, or Piglet's Directed by Francis Glebas on his friends to indulge in the golden nectar. Eey- where Piglet and Pooh decide to make a makeshift "scrappety book," as Tigger would put it. His tour ore's depression, which he has shrugged off in the house for the indigent Eeyore. Once you hear the de force direction of this powerful movie can only 15 stars out of 4 tabloids as a character trait, is displayed wonder- toe-tapping soundtrack will make you leap out of mean that he will be making the next big step in his fully. His performance is amazing as the donkey your chair and rush to the computer to download it career: Japanese animation. Watch out Dragonball Why you should go: A breakthrough perfor- who needs a lifetime supply of Zoloft and he off Kazaa. Z. There's a new animation sheriff in town and his mance from Piglet, astounding supporting perfor- shows an great range in going from depressed to The only thing that bothered me about this name is ... something you would name your kid if mances and dazzling direction. ... well, even more depressed. And Hollywood has incredible movie is the abundance of spelling and he were good at math. Francis Glebas? How much taken notice, as he recently signed on to play the grammatical errors. It starts out right at the begin- did that guy get picked on as a kid, eh? Why you shouldn't go: If you're not into cry- lead in Alan Smithee's remake of "Good Will ning where, on a map of the 100 Acre Woods, the "Piglet's Big Movie" is an enlightening movie ing, you shouldn't go because this harrowing tale Hunting." (Johnny Bravo is set to co-star as Ben word "acre" is spelled "aker." The word "honey" is about little people ... or pigs, doing big things. If will leave you in tears. Affleck's character from the first film). Christo- spelled "hunny" and you can find several other you want to see a movie that will move you to the pher Robin shines in a smaller performance, Rab- instances in the movie that the spellchecker didn't point of tears...or if you have $6.50 and 75 min- I've always been a huge fan of the pint-sized bit is great as the conniving Rabbit and Tigger, catch. And the tongue-tied Tigger twists his words utes to kill, I would definitely recommend this Piglet. His remarkable but overlooked perfor- fresh off his tail-replacement surgery, is wonderful so much he should consider speech therapy. I star-studded beautiful movie. mance in "The Tigger Movie" stole the show and as the vibrant Tigger. And Kanga the Kangaroo mean, these characters are role models and stuff. made me realize that Piglet is one of the most does her best Ms. Robinson impression, seducing They should set a strong spelling and grammatical Reach Brian Gallagher at brian754 underrated actors working in Tinseltown. After the the crew with her cookies and her oversized pouch. example for the children of the world to follow. I @charternet success of "The Tigger Movie," I hoped Piglet But, of course, the real star of the show is mean, come on. would come into his own. So you could imagine Piglet. This future pork chop's tear-jerking perfor- But this is the only aspect of this movie that the sheer joy in my heart when I heard Piglet was mance is one for the ages. Piglet shows an amazing could possibly be seen as negative and the rest of Flour produces everything!

ents list will be simple and easy to assem- ble: Flour. Based on personal preferences, you may also want to add water. For example, a big bowl of warm flour makes a delicious breakfast. People on the go may prefer to throw the flour in a Missy Teff blender with a cup of water for a quick and convenient shake. Food Diva Kids love flour too, so don't forget about fun flour snacks for them. The same shake served as an after-school snack will bring a smile to the face of any child. Freeze the mixture in Popsicle molds for a cool treat during a summer day. Or mix a The food options seem endless when cup of flour with a few drops of water and you walk into a grocery store. Luckily, all allow children to mold their meal into you really need is flour. their favorite shapes. Flour is a miracle food and ingredient For easy entertaining, structure your that allows you to throw out all other evening around flour. Aside from a menu items in your pantry. Imagine the conve- filled with yummy flour treats, have flour- nience of a pantry stocked with bags of sack races or build squishy stress balls out Photo Manipulation by Adam Crowson/WENONAHAN flour; you could reach into the cupboard of flour and balloons. Students studying The Public Broadcast Station's new reality television series, "Real World: Sesame Street" airs without looking and always grab the right for finals will love to have an outlet for next month. From left to right, the station will focus on Oscar the Grouch's alcoholism, Big item. frustration that doubles as a snack! Bird's obsession with children, the affair taking place between Snuffleupagus and Grimace, Convenience aside, versatility and Although flour can be stored in the nutritional value are what really make this bags it comes packaged in, you may find it Elmo's smack habit and the relationship status of Bert and Ernie. a new wonder food. Flour is ground from more fun to store flour in creative jars on wheat and other starchy good things — windowsills and ledges. Stores like Pier I base ingredients that supply you with charge big bucks for decorative jars filled heart-healthy calories. Because it is white, with pasta, and what is pasta really? Flour. you know that no artificial colors have Unlike many exotic ingredients, flour been added. And because it has no taste, is economical and can be found at most Next Real World series you know that no artificial flavors have grocery stores. It can be purchased in one- been added. , five- or ten-pound bags, enabling you to The versatility of flour is the main rea- buy the perfect amount for your diet son to stock up. Name one thing that does- needs. n't involve flour. As you can see, flour is the perfect food for everyone. So next time someone says, set on Sesame Street Don't say French fries or soda — they're bad for you and you shouldn't be "All you need is love," make sure to cor- rect them with, "No, all you need is flour." eating them anyway. Anything that can't Brian Gallagher wide grin. be made with flour shouldn't be made With the house all secured, it was time for Day One anyway. Reach Missy Teff at fooddiva WENONAHAN for the "Sesame Street" crew to live with each other. When it's time to bake, your ingredi- @hotmail. corn The television game is quite a tricky one these days. Although they have worked with each other for over 30 New, fresh careers could be starting over breakfast and years, none of the cast had lived with each other, or even old ones could be ending by brunch. You could have a hit hung out much. Except, of course, for Bert and Ernie. show on CBS one day and then selling baseball cards on "They are always together! It's ridiculous, and it's The Home Shopping Network with men who's raspy always been that way. Get a room you flamers," Oscar voices make Red Foxx sound like Jamie Foxx. the Grouch spouted. Fads come and go, but this most recent one seems to Needless to say, tensions were high on moving day. Grind until be sticking it out for the long haul: reality TV. Us crazy Big Bird was the first to arrive at the house, and he was Try this: American's just can't get enough of people getting voted delayed in unpacking when he took a little more than a off of islands, or some girl marrying a poor guy who friendly interest in a bunch of 10-year old boys playing at desired looks rich but is really poor, although he looks really basketball. Flour rich. Even Court TV has gotten in the game with cover- The house definitely had some adversity to overcome age of actual court cases! in all the housemates' conflicting traits. Oscar the consistency, The competition has reached a frenzied pitch, with Grouch is an admitted alcoholic, but still refuses to go almost every possible network on the tube airing some into treatment, as he takes a swig from his bottle of Jack Wheat sort of reality programming. Daniels and said, "I'm an entertainment icon dammit preferably Now PBS, which is known mainly for its poor rat- and I'll drink as much as anyone else can, plus their ings, has hopped on the bandwagon as well. They are mother." currently developing, along with MTV (formerly Music On top of Oscar's problem with the sauce, Big Bird fine. Television now renamed to Mindless Television) a ver- was still "watching" the boys play basketball. sion of their hit reality series "The Real World" with a Bert and Ernie stayed in their room for most of the PBS flavor to it: "The Real World: Sesame Street." night, ironing their Haggar slacks. They aren't strangers, but this series will show what Although they have never officially commented on happens when eight children's TV puppets live in the the "status" of their "relationship," many think they're same house and stop being polite, and start getting real! batting for the other team. But before they got started, they needed a house, and Guy Smiley was out on the porch doing speed and Click-Click-Click they found a doozy. heroin, smiling it up. He didn't have much to say, but "I really like °J.'s Bundy estate," said Guy Smiley, still kept smiling, which made me want to distance Tap-Tap-Tap! who will be living at the infamous house along with Bert myself from him. and Ernie, the Cookie Monster, Oscar the Grouch, Snuf- Elmo, one of the only sources of happiness for the The Wenonahan is now on telegraph! fleupagus, Elmo and, of course, Big Bird. house, was bouncing around, looking for someone to "It has a real homey feel to it, not to mention all the tickle him. But he found nothing but trouble when he ran history behind it," he said with an almost annoyingly into the See Sesame Street, Page 7

April 2, 2003 Artz &Variatee Page 7 'Monologues' to be performed this weekend at Winona State

Adam Crowson good men and women everywhere. Studies program at WSU, said, "I think it is WENONAHAN — The rapist penis' is public enemy num- totally unfair that men are allowed to have a ber one," Thomas said, "but it's an essential play like this." part of the play because 'the rapist penis' is a "It's completely sexist and my advisor A new play that has been broadly taking bad vice figure. 'The rapist penis' never dies, told me I should boycott and protest the play America with its thrusting force will be per- it just keeps on spreading it's demon seed because she said it belittles women for not formed at Winona State this Saturday night and multiplying like a field full of noxious being able to satisfy a man," Kritt said. at 7 p.m. weeds," Thomas said. "It's just gross sexual humor," Cara Two, "The Penis Monologues," written by Phil "I think I speak for everyone when I say I a student in the Women's Studies program, Ashio, is a collection of stories from men of wish I could practice mass genocide on all said. "I mean, come on. I think it's distaste- various ages, races and sizes all across the `the rapist penises' in the world," Smoker ful for a play to talk about orgasms, sexual United States. said. pleasure and deriving happiness from sexual Hugh Rection, the president and member Smoker said that he thinks that, while acts and sexual attention." of WSU's Man Club, said, "I think it's awe- hated, "the rapist penis" is needed in the Two said that het. boyfriend went to "The some that we're hosting a performance of play. "By putting it in," Smoker said, "we Vagina Monologues" with her and has `The Penis Monologues.' I attended Febru- can show everyone the vast, polar differ- learned how to satisfy her and pay more ary's performance of 'The Vagina Mono- ences between the obnoxious penises — like attention to her since attending the perfor- logues,' and I thought it was hilarious." `the rapist' and 'the cocky penis' — while mance, but Two sees "The Penis Mono- Rection said he read "The Penis Mono- showing the good sides of penis-love, logues" as a waste of her time. logues." through 'the sensitive penis,' the homosexu- "I'm not going to spend two dollars on "I thought, immediately, that we had to al penis' and of course 'the nice-I'm circum- that junk," Two said. bring this play to Winona State." cised!-penis.'" Two's boyfriend, Ian Payne, who was "'The Penis Monologues' are written In addition to the many types of penises also at the protest outside Minne Hall, said, almost as a parallel to its female counter- out there being represented by the mono- "I really wish my girlfriend would go. I think part," Richard Smoker, the vice president of logues, an assortment of female characters that it would be beneficial to our relation- the Man Club, said. that interact with penises, will be represent- ship." "The Monologues are full of funny stories ed, too. "Penis-friendly Mary Jane," is one "I went to 'The Vagina Monologues,' " and all of the stories classify different types feminine character who knows how to treat Payne said. "I learned a lot about her body, of penises. For example, we have the usual the penis well. and now I want her to learn about me." big penis, small penis, hard penis and impo- "I think the female characters in the play Payne also said that unknown to his girl- tent penis," Smoker said. are hilarious," Thomas said. friend, the Man Club asked him to join them "But for flavor we also added, 'My penis Rection and Smoker agreed. on stage and make a cameo appearance and looks beautiful because it's a circumcised- "We all know women like this," Thomas share his personal story. Payne's monologue penis,' the 'My penis is hiding in its shell Said. "I know what it's like. A girl and I are is, "My name is Ian Payne, and I'm in pain," because it's ugly and uncircumcised-penis' getting all comfortable and we begin making Payne said. and of course the 'I drive a big car and dress out. One thing leads to another and all of a Payne said that he discusses the pain that in fancy clothes and always have a nice outer sudden I'm in pain. Like the vagina, the comes from not having a reciprocal relation- appearance to conceal the fact that I have a penis is a soft, sensitive organ," Thomas ship with this girl whom he really cares very, very small penis-penis,'" Smoker said. said. about. Smoker also said that "the cocky penis," "If the vagina is mad when it isn't Payne said, "My penis isn't happy. My "the rapist penis," "the sensitive penis" and touched softly and delicately, then what penis is pissed off!" "the homosexual penis," will also be repre- makes you think that the penis is going to be Payne's story is sad, but he hopes that his sented in the play, so that people can see how happy?" Thomas said. girlfriend will get the message and "The different penises interact with others, in vari- Not everyone finds "The Penis Mono- Penis Monologues" will help shed some pos- Meghann Miller/WENONAHAN ous encounters. logues" funny, though. itive light on to their relationship. Senior Don Hendricks uses penis straws that were pur- John Thomas, who is directing the mono- The Women's Studies group held a rally "The Penis Monologues" will take place chased at the Penis Monologues put on by the Men's logues, said that "the cocky penis" and "the outside Minne Hall where they openly in Performing Art Center's Main Stage, on Club. rapist penis" were chosen to be characters in denounced "The Penis Monologues." Saturday night at 7 p.m. Admission is the play because they are so despised by Hip O'Kritt, a student in the Women's $2, or a case of beer.

Sesame Street Tips to become Best guidelines for Continued from Page 6 Grouch, who grabbed him and threw him out of a window. The house found out the secret to Elmo's chipper ways when, as the perfect guyl he was cleaning the glass off of him, they saw him shoot up some heroin. Sky Starr sex found in Bible The Cookie Monster was busy gobbling down bags of Chips Ahoy when he came to the house. Love and Relationship Goddess The Monster had really let himself go, however, tipping the scales WENONAHAN Cord Blomq u ist at' about 350 pounds, much more than he weighed in his cookie- crunching heyday in the 70s. Everybody knew that the Cookie Mon- Many people have written Cord about the best Love and Relationship God ster was bulimic, and all the cookies he would eat on the show, he way to impress the ladies. As a lady myself, I fig- WENONAHAN would just yak up after the show. ured I'd cue you in to the real answers. But his cookie craving got out of control in a nationally televised The bad boy In last week's column I recommended some very basic practical sexual guides seizure of the Keebler cookie tree, where he held off FDA agents for Chicks dig a bad-ass guy, so be that guy. Once for those of you who feel sexually frustrated. During the last seven days, howev- 45 hours with a high-powered chocolate chip gun. After that huge you meet a girl you like, be arrogant and rude. er, I have come to find a much better guide for sexual relations! binge, the Cookie Monster met his downfall. Make cruel comments about the people around you I was discussing my column with some friends at lunch when a fellow student "I couldn't lift my arm up to make myself puke, and I couldn't and tell her you can see why she wasn't popular in said he had a book I should read that addressed all kinds of relevant relationship stop eating," the Monster reflects in agony. high school, even if she was. issues and provided a solid ethos for sexual conduct. I expected something from Snuffleupagus was the last to arrive at the house, strolling in late If you manage a date, pick her up but don't clean a modern sexual therapist or psychologist, but instead I found myself in the pos- with a surprise companion: Grimace, the loveable, purple, thing, your car. As a matter of fact, go to McDonalds that session of an historical and genealogical description of the development and mal- from the McDonald's family. The purple couple indeed looked very afternoon and load the passenger's seat up with Big treatment of the Jewish people. happy, sharing tender embraces and McDonalds hamburgers that Mac wrappers. Take her to your favorite restaurant It turns out that the mythology of a nomadic shepherd tribe saw the way to Grimace stole from the Hamburglar. (preferably a shady one) and make her pay. If you proper sexual relations thousands of years ago. That's right; the mistranslated "He's been slipping these days," Grimace said of his referee-clad follow dinner with a movie, pick the one with the and arcane writings of unknown authors are actually the best guide to your sex friend with a laugh. most fight scenes and explosives and try to make life! Of course I'm talking about the Bible. Let's see what words of wisdom we But the night did end on a good note. Not long after throwing sure at least one woman is exploited. Again, make can gain from this font of truth: Elmo out of the window, the Grouch had passed out in his can. All of % her pay. Do not dishonor your father by having sexual relations with your mother, the other roommates took notice of the three-fourths bottle of Jack By now she should be fascinated by your She is your mother; do not have relations with hen Do not have sexual rela- Daniel's resting in his puke-green hand. intense, wild side. Continue the at by not returning tions with your father's wife; that would dishonor your father. Leviticus He had already polished off a full bottle before that -one, so the phone calls, never asking her opinion and talking 18:7-8 Grouch was out for the count. So the roommates seized the opportu- about the wild sex you've had with past girlfriends. Isn't that a great tip? For the longest time I thought that the cultural taboo sur- nity grabbing Oscar's bottle and drinking and partying all night long. An aloof dreamer rounding incest arose from the obvious psychological implications of such a rela- Even the shirtless duo of Bert and Ernie came down and partied With all the recent Freddie Prinze Jr. movies, tionship and the realities of genetics that show it to be simply biologically for awhile. Everyone started sharing their drugs, instead of hoarding girls seem to be all about the sweet lonely guy who unsound, but it turns out I couldn't have been farther from the truth! It's actually them for themselves. makes the perfect boyfriend. That could be you wrong because it would offend your father and the mythical father figure of a cre- The whiskey flowed like bourbon and everyone laughed until Start the process by removing yourself ftom all ator god. How could I have been so blind? they cried, telling old war stories from Sesame Street. And they did social situations: Do not go out with friends, don't If a man has sexual relations with an animal, he must be put to death, and that until 4 a.m. and had the best time of their lives. join clubs and spend all day alone in your room. you must kill the animal. Leviticus 20:15 Although this new Odd Couple time four will have plenty of Spend a lot of time writing angry, depressing poetry Once again I think this shows a major problem with our modern ideas regard- obstacles to overcome, the first of them being when Oscar wakes up and making lists of things you hate. Criticize the ing bestiality. I can think of a few recent cases in the tri-state area that seem to and finds his whiskey gone, and black Sharpie all over his face. But government whenever possible, insisting that you have been grossly mishandled. Not only have we failed to kill those who commit I'm sure this ragtag bunch of puppets could do anything if they put just want to work for positive social change. these acts, but we have spared the animals. A pig is just as guilty as the man who their mind to it. So with that in mind, they all said their "good Once the girls start pounding down your door has sex with it, at least that's what the Lord spake unto Moses. How have we night's" and headed off to bed. What a perfect ending, to a not-so- trying to spend time with you, move your door. been so easy on so many sinful farm animals? If we want to live in a sexually perfect day. More specifically, that means it's time to movie to a healthy community it's about time we start killing these all-too-tempting crea- secluded shack in a large forest. Grow your hair tures. long and refuse to shower; tell the girls that it's your Do not take your wife's sister as a rival wife and have sexual relations way of saving our environment. with her while your wife is living. Leviticus 18:18 Mullet Continued from Page 5 Why do girls dig the loner guy? Part of it is the I thought this one was pretty self-evident, but I thought I would throw it in ly "embarrassment," but an unidentfied source informed the challenge of capturing both his affection and his because I have seen it as a big problem lately. So many people lately can't wait Winonan that Grier keeps his hair in good condition with Breck attention. More so, however, is that you appear the for their first wife to die and end up marrying their wife's sister way too early! shampoo, and that his wife likes his current hairstyle. "She thinks its type of guy who can really devote himself to the When will we learn people? cool, too," said the source. right person, as you don't have a million other com- But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to Although Random and the rest of the three club members have mitments taking attention off of her. marry than to burn with passion. 1 Corinthians 7:9 been searching for an advisor, they haven't found a professor with Life of the party Again, this book just keeps on pumping out great answers to modern prob- appropriate length or style of hair. Girls love to be associated with the fun, enter- lems. It seems as though Paul, during his stay in Ephesus, discovered much "That wacky guy in Communication Studies, the one that talks , Wining guy who everyone loves to be around. After about the nature of marriage, despite being unmarried. If you feel passionate about his "squeeze" and his dogs and stuff, he was pretty cool, but all, she gets to tag along for the popularity ride. Fur- about another human being, you shouldn't try to stay passionate for them; he's already got a lot on his plate," said Random, referring to Kelly thermore, people are jealous that she gets to go instead, get married to them and watch that passion disappear! Herold, another professor at WSU. home with you at the end of the night. Yep, she will Speaking of passion, last week I also recommended a book on the art of seduc- "Plus he doesn't quite have that `mulletude' we are looking for. ; want you. tion to a reader, but it appears that I have spoken too soon on that topic as well. Grier, y'know, man, (pause for a drag on a GPC) he had STYLE. To do this, be the opposite of the aloof dreamer Why should we consult the so-called "experts" on the topic when we can consult Like Axl or somethin'. ' guy. Always be everywhere. Attend every party, a man who had an entire harem? Take it away Solomon! Random says that they are considering other candidates, includ- meeting or gathering you can find, even if it's only Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the ing Liberal Arts Dean Joe Gow. a study group in the library. Don't worry about young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. "I heard he can like, play the guitar, which is pretty rad," Random being invited, as people will be happy to have you Song of Solomon 2:3 said. However, Gow does not currently live up to the length stan- around. Now I know where Led Zeppelin got their inspiration for "The Lemon Song." dards of membership. Be drunk as often as possible, especially if you Solomon knocks another one out of the park when he writes the following: According to a rumor in the. club, English professor Gary Eddy feel less inhibited in this state. Refer to beer as Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle. Song of Solomon 7:3 offered to serve as stand-in advisor. Eddy said that he was "highly "brewski" and try to smash the cans across your A more appropriate depiction of the female form I have never heard. If there disappointed" that Random rejected him. "That hippie guy had the forehead. And make sure it's the good stuff: Miller is anything that a lover's chest should to remind us of, it ought to be the offspring pure mulletude, but he was kind of hairless." High Life. of woodland herbivores. So the search for an advisor continues. The club is hoping that a Confidence is key here, so never be afraid to be a It appears that we have exposed psychologists, sociologists, therapists and all professor or staff member with long hair will come to their aid. leader. Be the first person on the dance floor, or cre- others who claim to solve the mysteries of love with their pseudoscience for the "Mullets are so cool, and long hair is so lame," Random said, "so ate a dance floor if there is none. Remember, a table quacks they really are. Why should we consult their fact-based ideas when we someone should realize that we are in need and chop off their hair to can be a dance floor. Insist that everyone else also have the writings of ancient Middle Eastern tribal cultures to guide us? Excuse bring on the mullet unity. And donate it so some dude with cancer have a brewski. Tell jokes and do stupid human my prior articles for there absurd assumptions, and remember to consult the can have the mulletude too." tricks all the time. scrolls of Mesopotamian societies whenever you find yourself in need of assis- Despite the rejection from some professors and staff on campus, Trust me: Be one of these guys and the girls will tance in matter of the heart. Random has hope. "As long as there's one person with mulletude be all over you. and great hair, there's hope for us all."

April 2, 2003 Op/Ed Page 8

-1) Gangelhoff/WENoNAHAN An angry mob attacks incompetent editors of the Winonan for another well-done, controversial issue. Editors Jenny Miller, Jenny Butler, Stacy Booth, Ann Nolin and Jen Powless ran for their lives and escaped unharmed. Et cetera editor Adam Crowson lagged behind and was struck in the head with a crumpled movie review from the Et cetera section. Playing of video games leads to damnation rothers! have murdered; broken God's sixth law?" The ground beneath me parted into darkness and I fell, and I fell and Sisters! I Fearfully I said, "But Saint Peter I have killed nothing in my life I fell. B have seen but the animals He gave to, for our own use." I landed in darkness with insects crawling over me and my skin the light. I have But I knew not what I said and Saint Peter could tolerate my igno- was melting. I burned in obsidian flames, but I also froze, severed been to the other rance no more and grew angry. And as he his anger expanded so did from God's warmth. I was there beyond time. But I felt a tug at the back of my mind and at first I didn't want to Ryan Lynch side and seen the his form: his eyes became the color of blood, his body enormous, his toll for my trans- hair a dancing fire. believe that it was a trick of the devil, false hope. The tug did not gressions against He read in a voice booming and righteous from his great book, his cease. It pulled at me harder, ripping me from the webs of the hell Editorial Columnist the holy word. I book of truth: "Did you not on the seventh day of the third month spiders. I rose out of the darkness, but not up to the light. I awoke have been to Hell! make the main character of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City kill an offi- then in my body, resuscitated. Alive! A second chance. I was sitting in cer of the law and take his car on a run from the police? Did you not I sat up and swore off video games for the rest of my life, saying front of my televi- also run until the FBI, CIA and SWAT Team all pursued you? Did that no more shall I be fooled by the pleasures of the devil! I now say sion (oh lord, for- you not maim and run over many citizens of the city in your sin this in the name of the holy host: do not suffer as I have, forsake the give me) playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (cursed excrement of fueled escape? Did you not use a sniper rifle to kill the pilot of a flashing lights and empty enjoyment, embrace books — the good the dark lord Satan himself) when a bolt of holy lightning from on police helicopter? Did you not wait until the exact perfect time so book! high struck the power lines outside my godless home and blew up all that the police officers repelling out of the helicopter would fall to of the cursed electronic devices in my home. My Playstation 2 (dis- their deaths as the helicopter lost control and crashed in a fiery ball Reach Ryan Lynch at building_man@ yahoo.com gusting devourer of spirit) melted! My laptop (purveyor of jezebel that consumed several FBI agents? Did you not then take out a pornography) burst into flames! My television (confounded box of Gatling gun and use it to bawdiness) exploded, throwing me across the room, and knocking utterly destroy those who me into darkness. And that darkness was vast... pursued you? Did you not But then there was light! Light as I had never seen. Light that sur- then use Molotov cock- rounded me and crushed me with love. Light that elevated and car- tails to destroy several ried me up to heaven. national guard tanks? Did I found myself in a place of light among clouds. And in front of you not laugh while you me was a gate where Saint Peter himself stood. I approached him, did this? Did you not laying myself supine and asked "Good Saint, am I worthy to enter make jokes while you did God's realm?" this? Did you not revel in And Saint Peter said in a great booming voice, "Are you worthy this? Did you not... enjoy of God's love?" this?" And I replied, "Saint Peter, I have done my best to follow all of And he pointed down His laws." at me and said, "You have "Have you followed His ten commandments?" violated God's law wan- And I replied, "Yes, guardian of heaven, I have never broken a tonly. You must pay." single of the holiest of God's decrees." And I cried and he did not Then in a quiet voice he asked, "How can you say that when you turn away, only stared.

♦ Campus forum + What are you going to do when the weather warms up? Make love in the Take off one of my 50 bluffs all day long. layers. Maybe I'll switch red coats if Ed Slowik you're lucky. Philosophy Professor Ann Nolin Red jacketed freezing one

Go skinny dipping in Start selling to adults. the puddles. Trix Rodney Dangerfield Cereal bunny Actor

We invite readers and Winonan staff members to share their opinions in these columns. The opinions expressed in the pages of this newspaper are not necessarily those of the Minnesota State College and Univer- Ot0t4 sity system, Winona State University, its faculty, staff or student body. Any questions or comments should be Stacy Booth Jenny Miller directed to the Winonan publication board, managing editor, editorial staff or submitted as letters to the editor. Letters to the editor must be received by the Sunday preceding out Wednesday publication dates and Jenny Butler include your full name, major, year in school and telephone number to be published. Letters from faculty Winonan Ann Nolin members must include full name, title or department and phone number. Letters from community members Adam Crowson must include full name and phone number. The Winonan reserves the right to edit for space, content or relevance when necessary, and to reject ads and letters to the editor it deems inappropriate. Melissa Daul Jen Powless Letters may be sent via e-mail to [email protected] with "letter to editor" as the subject line. They can Z, also be faxed to 457-5317 or delivered to the Winonan office in Kryzsko Commons. 0 at

April 2, 2003 Page 9 News Winona Farms changes with regulations Theodore Evans In fact, Gallien has extended his services to the WINONAN community, picking up Midtown Food's and Country Market's food waste for free. He even picked up Econo Food's waste for $3.5 per barrel. Winona Farms has been picking up Winona Gallien said he no longer picks up the food State University's food waste for four and a half waste from the supermarkets, because they thought years, and using it as compost, but recently the he was making money off of the waste. classification of food waste as industrial waste has The Galliens said they are not in it for the the farm re-aiming its efforts to turn food waste money. They charge about $35 per ton compared into animal feed. to the upward $70 in landfill costs to discard food The classification of food waste as industrial waste. waste prevents Dick and Sue Gallien, owners of Winona Farm's service to WSU saves the uni- Winona Farms, from composting the waste into the versity approximately $7,500, according to the earth. farm's Web site. In order to compost food waste, a cement basin Community Memorial Hospital, the Bluff 44: the size of a large swimming pool must be used to Country Co-Op and Rochester Fruit also partici- contain the composting waste, so leakage into pate in the farm's service. water supply does not occur. According to Minnesota's Office of Environ- Legislation allows the feeding of food waste to mental Assistance, over 135,000 tons of food hogs only after it has been boiled for over 30 min- waste in Minnesota is fed to hogs every year. utes. Winona Farms also serves the community as an Gallien said WSU averages several tons of food available drop-off site for composting materials waste per week. The couple picks up food waste such as grass clippings, leaves and branches. Visi- from WSU and Saint Mary's University Mondays, tors to the farm are welcomed by an array of farm Wednesdays and Fridays in 32-gallon barrels, each animals. about a third full. Pigs, cows, turkeys, geese, chickens, goats, The couple has invested in an old 80-horse lambs and the farm collie, Tessa, can be found on power broiler, over six feet tall and 10 feet wide, to the farm. Gallien said the goats will be right next Doug Sundin/WrNoNAN design a food waste cooker. The broiler is filled to people who drop off their compost. The geese Dick Gallien displays the barrels of leftover food he picks up from area schools with wood to cook the food in the basin, set on top even play little games with people, nipping at pant- everyday. of the mammoth broiler. legs and shoes. Gallien said it might be kind of difficult in the On Jan. 3, 2002, the conservation easemen, pre- Gallien is constantly investing his passion to Least Weasel, Northern Pocket Gopher, Sharp beginning, but the project must be in motion venting the 175 acres of land around Winona make the land a thriving ecosystem. He envisions a Tailed Sparrow, Common Moorhen and American 30-days from March 20, the day the inspector Farms from being ever being developed, was series of about three ponds zig-zagging down the Ginseng can also be found around the 175 protect- informed the farm about food waste being classi- signed by Dick Gallien, owner of Winona Farms. 600-foot bluff of the Winona Farm to collect rain ed acres of Winona Farms. fied as industrial waste. "It was easy; I would have signed it for noth- runoff. The Winona Farm is located in East Burns Val- His passion for recycling and the environment ing," Gallien said. He has owned the property sur- Inhabitants of the surrounding land, like the ley, on County Road 105, 1.2 miles from the tech- will make it work. "The ideal in life is to find a rounding the farm since 1956. Green Northern Cricket Frog, the Timber Rat- nical college and is open every day of the year worthwhile inner endeavor that gives you such sat- Out of the 175 secured acres, only about 60 is tlesnake and the Snapping Turtle, are listed as from "dawn `til dark." For information call (507) isfaction that you would do it for no pay," Gallien considered farmland. The remaining 115 acres threatened species by Minnesota Department of 454-3126 . said. could be considered more of a nature reserve. Natural Resources. www.winona.edu/winonan

Ty Gangelhoff/WINONAN The WSU courtyard was the site of war protests Wednes- day morning during open discussions opposing the war Br with Iraq. Speak Out protest MOUSAND8 EVIEFFY CIAY held on WSU campus Kristen Berns importance of relief efforts that will be needed for Iraqis. WINONAN Straight out of Nairobi, Tiberious Mose and Milton Nyagaya plug in and An event held at Winona "Regardless of our opinions check back home through any one of WSUs almost io,000 Internet ports. State University's courtyard of the war we all have to help in geared toward promoting student relief efforts," Bowler said. Tiberious utilizes the Web to follow the Kenyan national elections and to talk activism also had an anti-war WSU Greens member senior tone. Sheri Schuh spoke to the crowd politics and soccer with friends a hemisphere away. WSU Muslim Association about how being an activist for Broadcaster Milton keeps up to date with world news online and entertains member senior Murtasa Mosood the last five years benefited her started the "Speak Out" on life. "I was able to exchange ide- family members with tales from the U.S. March 26 by telling the crowd of ology with others and educate about 50 people this is a time of myself about issues," Schuh said unrest and "it is us that needs to Schuh said people shouldn't "From anywhere on campus, bond together against this war." be afraid of pro-war people or "If our voices aren't raised anti-war people, but instead I can communicate to anyone who is out there." louder then we will be subdued should be afraid of people who don't share what they think. by war mongrels," Masood said. - M.N. Senior Admed Fazly, a stu- "We're here today because dent majoring in cell and molec- each person has a different way ular biology, told the crowd the of communicating what they war that United States is engag- believe," Schuh said. ing with in with Iraq is unjusti- WSU communications pro- fied. He said the war will cause fessor Emilie Falc said she was more civilian deaths, and ques- excited to see how many people tioned President Bush on his tac- came to the "Speak Out" to exer- tics of liberating Iraqis. cise their freedom of speech. Cheering came from the "Whether you're for or crowd as Fazly compared Bush against the war, people shouldn't to Saddam Hussein. be punished for expressing Fazly also said everyone beliefs," Falc said. "The United should write to their representa- States is a super power, but we tives and college and local news- can also make our voices a super papers to get their voice heard. power." Some participates held anti- Falc also told the crowd to ask war signs and other anti-war questions of their government's signs were posted on nearby actions. Falc questions how the trees. U.S. will clean up the effects the WSU global studies professor bombs will have in Iraq and the Michael Bowler said the anti- after effects of uranium poison- war movement will affect the ing the innocent civilians. war. Masood questioned how the Bowler said the war with Iraq international community let Sad- will give the United States the dam Hussein stay in power for so chance to rethink its foreign pol- long. "Where was this justified icy and people who don't agree war when he was killing? Hasn't with the war shouldn't just give Iraqi children and mothers suf- up because it's already started. fered enough? Isn't this too little "There's still time to make a dif- too late?" Masood said. ference," Bowler said. Director of Security Don Wal- Bowler tried to promote ski said the event went smoothly activism by telling the crowd with no problems. Two security that the war was a great opportu- guards and Walski were at the nity for people to become event, which Walski said is nor- activists. He spoke about the mal for events like this.

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April 2, 2003

Page 10 News University holds campaign to raise money ♦ Briefs + Free tax help available 10 a.m. in Phelps Room Dean of the college of liberal arts Joe Gow provides entertainment for the event last Tuesday The Volunteer Income 215. Tax Assistance office is All new students are Lauren Elizondo thing back." Approximately 82 percent of the workforce located in Maxwell required to take the Eng- WINONAN Every faculty and staff member that stopped participated in the event last year. Schumacher Room 147 through April lish and math placement at the table set up in the Student Union was said, "Two to three hundred people usually par- 12. The income limits exams, unless the stu- given an individual envelop. Inside the envelop ticipate." The total amount contributed last An All Campus Campaign was held last are $8,000 for depen- dent has transferred in Tuesday in the Student Union from 10 to 12 there was a pledge card for how much they year was around $70,000. dents, $15,000 for sin- credits for college-level p.m. This annual campaign was designated for wanted to donate to WSU: Faculty and staff The all campus campaign serves as the only the faculty and staff members at Winona State. members were given the option to contribute established function for faculty and staff to gles, $22,000 for fami- English or math courses. It was put on by the advancement office in either by personal check or through their per- donate money to WSU. lies of two and $25,000 Students must regis- order to receive money for the school. Dan sonal account in which a certain amount would The faculty and staff members were able to for families over two. ter to take these exams be deducted from their account for a period of choose where their money was to be given to. Schumacher, director of sustaining funds, said, Taxes will be done by by visiting the Advising "It is a way (for faculty and staff) to give some- time until they reached the total contribution The fund designations from the contribu- they pledged to give. tions were split into categories such as, depart- appointment only, by and Retention office in ments, scholarships, programs, land- calling 457-2433. Phelps Room scaping, athletics and areas of greatest The office is open on 129, by cailing 457-5600 need. The area of greatest need consist- Wednesdays, Thurs- or by visiting the Web ed of projects in process at the given days and Fridays from 3 site. time. In 2002, the highest percentage of the donated money was used in cate- p.m. to 7 p.m. and Satur- Students must bring a gories such as departments and areas of days from 9 a.m. to 3 photo I.D. to the testing greatest need. For instance, a portion of p.m. site. last year's contributions went into buy- For additional infor- ing toys and books for the children's English and math mation call the Advising daycare center on campus. Joe Gow, dean of liberal arts, was placement tests to be and Retention office at invited to entertain the faculty and staff held in April 457-5600. this year. He played his guitar and sang The English and math from 11 p.m. to 12 p.m. Schumacher placement exams will be ASO elections to be said, "The entertainment was provided held on April 11 from 2 held to create enthusiasm for the campaign." Besides the entertainment, cookies and p.m. to ASO general elec- beverages were served. 4 p.m. in Howell Room tions will be held on April When speaking about the participa- 135, April 15 from 3:30 3, and will be finalized tion of the campaign, Schmacher said, p.m. to 5:30 p.m. in on April 9. "People are still stepping up and are Howell Room 135 and interested about giving back to the com- munity." April 18 from 8 a.m. to Got story ideas? E-mail them to [email protected]

Meghann Miller/Winonan Joe Gow, dean of the College of Liberal Arts, played rockabilly music in the student WERMERIEREENOMMOOMMERM union last Tuesday during an "All-University Campaign" event. Pi Lambda Phi Fraternity Presents: 1 k•tv Mr. WSU KAP. 200 :34 Miss WSU k•K•' C/covvr natty Oft Pageant 1 4 d Thursday April 10th Thursday, April 3rd 7 P.M. Somsen Auditorium at 7:35 P.M. K,4 $2.00 at door beK44,l/ Somsen Auditorium All proceeds go toward (t.,v The most beautiful and talented women of Winona State will Student Services Scholarship compete for the Prestigious Award: Miss WSU

■1•*• $2 Admission 110 All proceeds go to Adrenoleukodystrophy Foundation Funny skits and prizes for spectators People's Choice Award nominations will be in the Lower Hyphen wkm K1.79 from Monday March 31st to Thursday April 3rd from 10a.m. to 3p.m.

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April 2, 2003 Arts & Variety Page 11 Global Awareness day an event looked forward to

Naomi Ndubi Many countries are represented by WSU's WINONAN International students during this project — which provides an array of international entertainment Legal-ease. like cultural parades or different fashions. Also Last Friday, Winona State University's Interna- included in Friday's project were a Nepali skit, a tional students presented Global Awareness Day Malaysian lion dance and Chinese Tai chi. for students at the Cathedral of Sacred Heart Ele- Other activities included authentic Malaysian mentary school in Winona. food and the day's events concluded with a parade The Cross Cultural Outreach Program, affiliat- of flags and the singing of the song "Love in Any Got a college degree and no plans? ed with WSU's International Office, presented the- Language." day long event as a way to maximize interaction WSU's International students participate in It's never been easier to begin a career in law. between cultures in a friendly atmosphere. global awareness twice a year; the students plan The elementary students learned about other the event with the individual school districts up to With your degree, it takes just 4 months to become countries through geography, language, interactive six months in advance. activities, cultural sharing and they also learned "Global awareness is encouraged to basically a paralegal at the Minnesota Paralegal Iristitute. how to count and say words in other languages. break stereotypes, tolerate other people culture and "Americans need to understand the global encourage team work in our society," Aderonke We offer day and evening courses to fit any schedule issues we're all facing, and one way to begin Fadumiye, an international student from Nigeria, and we're approved by the American Bar Association. learning about other cultures is to be exposed to said. them," Terri Markos, Director of International Ser- The elementary students are encouraged to For more information, vices and Cultural Outreach at Winona State, said. wear costumes reflecting their cultural background please call us at (952)542-8417, "This is a wonderful opportunity for young people on global awareness day and their parents are to learn about those things, from people who are invited to take part in the day's activity, also. email us at [email protected] , from-other countries," Markos said. The Winona international program consists of Markos said meeting a student who is Muslim 300 students from 54 different countries and the or visit us at www.mnparalegal.com or of Buddhist beliefs, helps one appreciate the program provides an opportunity for young people differences and realize how we are all human to come together and learn more about one another beings with common aspirations and hopes. and to do away with stereotypes.

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Jenny Butier/WINoNAN Children from Cathedral and St. Stanislaus's elementary schools reach out to touch the flags of South Korea (carried by Darren Tham Mok-Seng) and of Sweden (car- ried by Herman Berhane) during the opening flag parade. The parade was part of the closing program of a day at the elementary schools entitled "Many Nations-One ONLY SUPERSTAR Family," put on by the Cross Cultural Outreach Program of Winona State University. ATHLETES SHOULD University of Minnesota and COME OUT OF RETIREMENT.

There's nothing romantic about lacing up the wingtips for your big comeback. Mayo form health alliance An SRA is an economical, tax-deferred way to ensure you don't run out of retirement savings. Contact us before you decide to hang it up. MINNEAPOLIS (AP) — Minnesota's two senior vice president for health sciences, con- leading medical research institutions have pro- firmed-the discussions with Mayo, but offered few TIAA - CREF.org or call (800) 842 - 2776 posed an alliance aimed at making the state a details. It is not clear, for example, whether the leader in bioscience research. university also would erect a building on one of its The proposal, which has been sent to Gov. Tim Twin Cities campuses. Pawlenty, would create the Minnesota Biotechnol- "I think we need a lot more discussion ... but ogy and Genomics Centers — one each at the Uni- we're all quite enthusiastic about it," Cerra said. versity of Minnesota and the Mayo Clinic in Matt Kramer, state commissioner of trade and Rochester. economic development, said the governor had Both institutions hope to obtain seed money received the proposal. "The state could really from the state, although the amount is not clear. It become not just a regional or national but world would be less than the $80 million the Mayo Clin- leader in genomics as it relates to biosciences," ic said last year that it needed for genomics Kramer said. research, said Dr. Hugh Smith, chairman of board Dr. Denis Cortese, Mayo Clinic's new president of governors for Mayo's Rochester clinic. and chief executive, said Mayo needs to stay on "What we are exploring with the University of the forefront of medical research to benefit Minnesota is the opportunity to find the synergies patients. and work together," Smith said Wednesday. "Mayo Clinic has always dealt with complex Pawlenty has encouraged the two health institu- diseases," said Cortese, referring to its leadership tions to combine efforts in biomedical research, in neurosciences, transplantation and cancer which promises new treatments for disease and the research. "We are now talking about complex sci- prospect of launching biosciences startup compa- ence to deal with complex diseases." nies. But staying on science's cutting edge has steep Smith said that officials-from Mayo, the univer- costs. In the future, the bill for scientific advance- sity and the governor's office will meet Tuesday in ment may be too much for one medical center — Rochester to go over the plan. One sticking point even one as big and well-known as Mayo — to is how the state would find seed money in the face bear alone, Smith and Cortese said. Managing money for people of a projected $4.23 billion shortfall for 2004-05. "We're entering an era of big science," Smith with other things to think about." The proposed centers at Mayo and the universi- said. "Some of the breakthroughs now and in the ty would recruit scientists together, share equip- future will require significant upfront investment." ment and technology and cooperate on requests for For example, Mayo has medical records from research grants from the National Institutes of more than 4 million patients that it hopes to use in

Health, Smith said. complex studies of how peoples' genetic makeup RETIREMENT I INSURANCE I MUTUAL FUNDS I COLLEGE SAVINGS I TRUSTS I INVESTMENT MANAGEMENT As a first step, both institutions would take an affects their chances of getting a disease — or TIAA-CREF Individual and Institutional Services, Inc and Teachers Personal Investors Services, Inc distribute securities products. / inventory of their laboratory equipment and scien- responding to a treatment. With collaboration, For more information, call (800) 842-2733, ext 5509, for prospectuses Read them carefully before invesbnp,. 0) 2002 Teachers tific expertise with the goal of avoiding duplica- Mayo could turn to the university's expertise in Insurance and Annuity Association.College Retirement Equities Fund (TIAA-CREF), 130 Third Avenue. New York, NY 10011 02.0004 tion, he said. Mayo would erect a building for its computation biology and avoid hiring researchers center, he added. of its own, Cortese said. Dr. Frank Cerra, the University of Minnesota

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April 2, 2003 Page 12 Arts & Variety Heritage the basis for Bernardi's book

Meg Stevenson of craft, including using research in her novel. everything in with you when you write." WINONAN The novel centers on the life of a famous Italian artist, and thus Bernardi's readings were sponsored by the Great River Reading Bernardi had to research his works, his life, and speculate about Series and the Residential College at WSU. what would have happened to him and his family. Other writers coming to campus in the next week include Ray and Last Wednesday evening, students and professors alike gathered "It (the research) left me a lot of leeway," she said Thursday. "1 Stella Young Bear Thursday, April 3 in the North Lounge of Lourdes in the North Lounge of Lourdes Hall to hear author Adria Bernardi needed to have that permission to allow myself to imagine." Hall at 7 p.m., and professor Ken McCullough Tuesday April 8 in speak. Bernardi, who writes historical fiction, was a part of the Great She commented that she originally began the novel as a short Baldwin Lounge, Kryzsko Commons, at 7 p.m. River Reading Series. story, but after she had developed the characters, she felt that "she English professor Elizabeth Oness introduced the author, and said owed it to them" to complete the story as a novel. that the awards Bernardi's recent book, "A Day Laid at the Altar" One of the students asked Bernardi about how she came to choose "really are a mark of distinction." Italy and the 1560s as a setting for a novel. At the reading, Bernardi read two chapters of her book, set in Bernardi commented that she had always been interested in Italy, Italy around 1560, and focusing on a painter and his family. can speak fluent Italian, and has even translated books from Italian She dedicated the presentation to Minnesota State Senator Paul into English. Wellstone, and his wife Sheila, who died in a plane crash last Octo- However, Bernardi is currently writing a novel about a place she ber. has never actually been to. Bernardi also spoke at Flasses Thursday, including Debra Cum- "It's a challenge," she said commenting that, "my book may fail berland's English 310 class. but I do know something about these people. .. . in an intuitive way." The class was joined by other fans of Bernardi's fiction. She gave the class some advice: "Being a writer is like being a There, the author read a different chapter, and talked about issues caterpillar going into a cocoon. You eat everything — you take

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Doug Sundin/WINONAN The unique voice of Adria Bernardi expresses the feelings of the character as she reads from her LET book "A Day Laid on the Alter." Six degrees of Kevin Bacon To continue the April Fool's Tradition O'Donnell show, and she was in "A League of Taken by his own excellence, junior Tim Freitag celebrates victory, dashing their Own," and is mar- Adam ried to Guy Ritchie, who through yet another level of Winona State's free on-line software training program. Crowson did "Snatch," which Since setting up an account with Tech Support, Tim can now combat starred Brad Pitt, who starred in "Sleepers" Microsoft PowerPoint, Excel, Publisher, FrontPage, Access and Word with help Et Cetera with Kevin Bacon and from an on-line guide. Devin Sowa, who was in Editor "Casper" with Bill Pull- Tim, not one to be caught off guard, is learning new software and honing man and Christina Ricci, who starred in "Sleepy useful skills for whatever may await him. Hollow" with Johny He was in "Animal House" Depp (who was in "Fear and with John Belushi who was on Loathing in Las Vegas" with Saturday Night Live with Bill Benicio del Toro who was in "Always be prepared." Murray and Dan Akroyd, who "Ocean's Eleven" with Brad Pitt) - Tim were in "Ghostbusters" and who was in "Edward Scis- "Ghostbuster II" with Rick sorhands" with Winona Ryder, Moranis, who was in "Space- who was in "Girl, Interrupted" balls" with John Candy 7-- who with Angelina Jolie, who is the was in "The Great Outdoors" daughter of Jon Voight, who was with Dan Akroyd and Bill in "Midnight Cowboy" with Pullman, who was in "Indepen- Dustin Hoffman, who was in dence Day," with Will Smith, "Rain Man" with Tom Cruise" who was in "Men in Black" with who was in "Minority Report" Tommy Lee Jones, who was in with Colin Ferrell, who was in "The Fugitive" with Harrison "Phone Booth" with Kiefer Ford, who was in the first "Star Sutherland, who is the son of Wars Trilogy" with Mark Donald Sutherland who was in Hamill, who made a cameo in "M*A*S*H" with Elliot Gould "Jay and Silent Bob Strike who appeared in "Ocean's Back," which starred Kevin Eleven" with Brad Pitt, directed Smith as Silent Bob, who was in by Steven Soderbergh, who "Dogma," with Ben Affleck and directed "Traffic" with Benecio Matt Damon, with the former Del Toro, but Donald Sutherland dating Gwyneth Paltrow and the was also in "JFK" and "Animal latter starring with her in "The House" with Kevin Bacon, but Talented Mr. Ripley." But Pal- Brad Pitt, who was in "Sleepers" trow was in "The Royal Tenen- with Bacon, is also married to baums" with Ben Stiller, who Jennifer Anniston who is on was in "Reality Bytes" with "Friends" with Courtney Cox, Janeane Garaofalo and Uma who is married to David Thurman, and Thurman was in Arquette, who has been in many "Pulp Fiction," with Samuel L. movies with Drew Barrymore Jackson, who starred alongside who was in "E.T.: The Extra Ter- Yoda, in "Star Wars: Episodes I restrial," with Melinda Dillon, and II," who was with Carrie Fis- who was in "Close Encounters of cher in episodes IV through VI, the Third Kind" with Richard who was in "Austin Powers" Dreyfuss, who was in "Jaws" with Mike Myers, who was on with Roy Scherer, who was on Saturday Night Live and in "Seaquest" with Jonathon Bran- "Wayne's World" with Dennis dis, who was in "Ladybugs" with Miller, who sat in the booth on Rodney Dangerfield who was in Monday Night Football with Al "Caddyshack" with Bill Murray Michaels, who also sal in the and Chevy Chase, who were on booth with Frank Gifford, who Saturday Night Live with John was married to Kathie Lee Gif- Belushi who was in "Animal ford, who was on Live with House" with Kevin Bacon. Regis, at one time, with Regis Philibin, who is on ABC, which Reach Adam Crowson at used to sponsor the Rosie winonanetc@yahoo. corn Thinking you like to write? ry Interested in a possible job? na State . Laptop Program The Winonan is looking for reporters for next year. If interested, contact Editor-in-chief Stacy Booth at www.winona.edu/laptop [email protected]

April 2, 2003

Page 13 Sports Weather not an issue, Warrior softball wins trio of games over weekend Forrest Dailey Warriors, against the 1-7 Viterbo team. Winona State swept the two- WINONAN game set. Head coach Greg Jones As we all know in Minnesota, knew they had to come away with sometimes winter will go away and wins in these games against one of the then come back in late March just to weaker teams. play with our minds, right? Well it "We had some defensive lapses," happened this year. On Saturday, the he said, "but our offense got us out of some jams that the defense got us softball team was supposed to host . Viterbo. This did not happen, but they into." were able to sneak a couple in against In the first game, Kari Webers River Falls on Thursday afternoon scored two runs, Carlson drove in before everything went haywire for two, and pitcher Elissa Wisniewski the weekend. Incidentally, they were struck out nine Viterbo batters. able to make up those missed Satur- Kettwig and Bridget McCabe each day games on Sunday afternoon. collected two hits in the 7-1 Winona Jenny Butler/ WINONAN victory. Winona State's Erik SteigerWald jumps to avoid a pitch against Concordia-St. Paul on Sunday The Warrior ladies came out of the two-game set with an 11-4-1 record. The second game on Sunday was afternoon. On the next pitch, Steigerwald hit a home run. In the first game Winona State edged over in five innings due to the eight- River Falls 5-4. Kristin Noble had run rule. Winona won the contest three hits and two RBIs. Sarah Carl- 12-4. This was a wild game without son also knocked in two runs. many walks or strikeouts. Kettwig WSU long balls lead to nightcap Winona's one-run victory coin- continued on a tear collecting three cides conveniently with leaving one more hits, equaled by Webers. Ket- less runner on base than River Falls. twig, Carlson and Abby Kacena each The second game of the set was scored two runs, and Carlson drove in win, conference opener split another nailbiter. River Falls pulled it three. out 3-2, after the Warriors had the Coach Jones said, "I think we Ben Grice in a meeting between games," Poock up four runs on five hits in five tying run, Carlson, on second base in played well all day in every aspect." said. "I told them they needed to get innings of work and Polehna closed Carly Chenoweth had a run, a hit, WINONAN the final inning. Jamie Kettwig and things going." the door on the Golden Bears, not Meg Kotlarz each drove in one of the and an RBI for Viterbo. Honorable mention goes to Carl- Cold weather took control of the The Warriors listened. allowing a hit in an inning-and-two- runs the Warriors put on the board. With two outs in the bottom of the thirds. Kotlarz was driven in by Kettwig. son who clubbed her seventh home- Warrior baseball team's plans over the run of the season, already tying a weekend. It momentarily got a hold of first inning, Kyle Butt hit a two-run With the win, the Warriors Allison Boddy scored the other War- homer to right field. Following the improved to 9-7 overall and evened rior tally. school record in only the 18th game. their bats too. There are 27 more games on the After moving Saturday's Northern first-baseman's lead, Steigerwald then out their conference mark at 1-1. Stephanie Fritch struck out the hit a two-run shot to left. Finally, Winona State plays home at River Falls women nine times and schedule for her to break the school Sun Intercollegiate Conference-open- record. The Division III record is 21 ing doubleheader to Sunday due to sophomore Ben Vasquez finished up Loughrey Field again this weekend, walked none. This time Winona left the scoring spree with a solo shot of facing conference-foe Wayne State. 11 runners on base; 11 opportunities from Michelle Carlson of the College chilly conditions, Winona State split of New Jersey in 1995. with Concordia, St. Paul, losing 1-0 his own and after one inning, WSU Doubleheaders are scheduled for Fri- to put runs on the board. the first game and winning 9-6 the led 5-0. day and Saturday. Sunday was a little easier for the second. The Golden Bears "We couldn't have played Saturday answered with three runs in because it was too cold," Warrior the top half of the second Coach Kyle Poock said. "Thursday inning, but Vasquez struck we made the decision to move the again in the third. The left games to Sunday." fielder hit a three-run homer The first game of the day was a this time, giving Winona pitchers duel. The Golden Bears got a State enough runs for the vic- strong outing from Bill Mauer, who tory. pitched a complete game two-hit "After struggling the first shutout. Winona State's Josh Schultz game, I told Vasquez to stay also threw well. The freshman scat- back and let the ball come to tered three hits in six innings, giving him" Poock said. "He did that up the game's only run on a third- tonight and showed the pop inning RBI single. he has in his bat." "There was good pitching on both Short and Vasquez had sides," Poock said. "Our guy made three hits apiece and Steiger- only one mistake, and unfortunately, wald added a pair for the theirs didn't make any." Warriors. Vasquez led all Luke Short and Erik Steigerwald players with four RBI. had the only Warrior hits. Andy Hanson led Concor- Concordia's David Schlundt went dia with two hits in three 2-for-3, driving in their lone run. plate appearances. For the sound of music, Annie claims little sister's laptop as her own in another Both clubs' bats heated up during WSU received solid pitch- the nightcap. ing from starter Brandon Hel- Karoake hour spectacle at the Butlin household. "I put a little pressure on our guys lenbrand and closer Andrew Polehna. Hellenbrand gave Property rights violated, young Abbie stands tall, reminiscing on quiet, productive evenings of researching careers, reading class notes, achieving Solitaire stardom, managing finances, and organizing music and photo albums with her laptop. Until Abbie finds better hiding spots or Annie gets a laptop of her own, WSU womens tennis All and Annie keep the neighbors and squirrels busy soundproofing their homes, dominates NSIC foes and dearest Abbie and her laptop seek sweet, savage justice and sing that same old song, Ashley Roberson Successful doubles teams WINONAN were Darveaux-Bruggeman (No.1), Shenck-Newbauer There was no stopping the (No.2) and Wunsch-Katterhein- Winona State University rich (No.3). women's tennis team this past Sunday morning WSU took weekend as they defeated all on Moorhead. Darveaux, three teams that they were up Bruggeman, Newbauer, against. On Sunday morning Schenck, Wunsch and Katter- they beat Minnesota State Uni- heinrich were the singles win- versity Moorhead 7-2 then trav- ners. eled to Southwest State and In doubles, Darveaux- defeated them 9-0. Bemidji State Bruggeman (No.1) were the only was also no match for the War- winners. riors on Saturday as Winona With this weekend's wins, blanked them 9-0. WSU is now 10-9 overall. Today "It's good for us to have wins they will put that record on the against conference teams," head line when they take on Saint coach Kendall Larson said. Mary's University. In the match against South- "It gives us one more match west, single winners were Karen to prepare. It also lets us see Darveaux (No.1), Brea Brugge- what the competition is like out man (No.3), Megan Newbauer there," Larson said. (No.4), Karyl Schenck (No.2), Again this year the Northern Jennifer Wunsch (No.2) and Sun Intercollegiate Conference Katie Katterheinrich (No.6). Championships will he held here in Winona April 12-13. Warrior mens tennis gets strong singles play, victory Joey Finck "We kept the ball in play and forced the other team to make WINONAN mistakes," said freshman Josh The WSU men's tennis team Malwitz. had a strong outing against St. "The team played really well, John's University, defeating the it was kind of an upset to beat St. Johnnies 6 to 3 in Collegeville, John's," said Malwitz. The Warriors also dominated MN. Kyle Buchmeier (No. 2) in doubles play with Malwitz defeated St. John's Scott Loe 5- and Clarke (No.1) defeating 7,6-4,11-9 for the singles win. Solum and Loe 8-5. John Josh Malwitz (No.3) defeated St. Lawrence and Buchmeier (No.3) John's Sean Borg 6-7, 6-1, 10-3 added doubles wins by beating for another Warrior victory in Tim Pock and Andrew Hinman singles play. Jon Gould (No. 4) 8-4. helped the Warriors out with a "The team has improved a lot win over Ryan Orwoll 6-4, 1-6, since the beginning of the year," 10-4. Rounding out the Warriors' said Malwitz. great singles play was Dan Next up for the WSU men's Clarke (No. 5), who beat Matt tennis team is a match at Carlson 2-6, 7-6, and 10-7. Macalester College in St. Paul on April 4th.

April 2, 2003 BC Through The Shutter Page 14 A day in the life of President Krueger

8 a.m. -- Mr. T time "Read your Webmail, fool." WSU president Dr. Darrell Krueger starts every workday doing public announcements with Mr. T. "He cuts the jibba-jabba propaganda out of my announcements telling kids to drink drugs and not do milk," Mr. T. said. After the announcements, which run in northeastern South Dakota, Wabasha, and Austria, Krueger and T discuss politics over green tea and crumpets. "T keeps complaining about the crumpets," Krueger said. "I know they're not cook- ies. I tell him to suck it up but then he keeps rambling on about just being on the "B" team now and crying."

10 a.m. Morning workout Even after the.constant write-ups from gorilla expert Jane Goodall telling Krueger to keep the heck out of the primate pens at the San Diego Zoo, Krueger still chooses to use his morning break to stretch his arms in temperate trees. "One of the suckers keeps steal- ing my spaghetti I bring with me for my morning snack," Krueger said on his workout area companions. "She signs to me that she's just eating bamboo shoots, but I'm no weak link in the gravy train, I know what's going on." After many mornings of vine swinging practice, Fox TV producers noticed Krueger's abilities and offered him a job as a supporting actor in the upcoming Tarzan TV series starring James Earl Jones. Krueger accepted the offer on the condition that he can per- form all his own stunts.

12 p.m. -- Fishing "I mastered in marine biology, or maybe I was just a sea turtle in a former life," Krueger said on his fascination with the ocean. Krueger frequents the Florida Keys to satisfy his unusual obsession with fishing for sea life that quite frankly could rip his legs apart like a block of cheese in a blender. "We're also still trying to figure out why he keeps coming down here in a suite and tie," said fishing guide Ethan Bukko. "He doesn't blend in at all." Krueger's latest catches have also included "seven gold- fish, four guppies and a beta," Krueger said, and three bags of parakeet food, all of which have interestingly been reported missing from the downtown pet store.

2 p.m. Fight gigantic Japanese monsters Applying a more strenuous finish to his afternoon work- outs, Krueger finishes his yoga sessions by fighting monsters Godzilla, Mothra and Bob Vila. "Godzilla's not much of a match. You just grab his tail and pull•it back between his legs and he topples over like corn- stalk in a Kansas twister," Krueger said. "Mothra's a little tougher. He gets ticked when you call him sissy monarch boy, so of course I do it, and then I womp on him. Vila's tough though. He's a heck of a sharpshooter with that nail gun he keeps tucked in his pants," Krueger said.

5 p.m. Commuting home After a full day's work, Krueger closes up his briefcase, straps on his snowshoes and pulls his vehicle of choice out of the Somsen basement. "The dogsled gets great gas mileage, but my wife gets a little upset when the dogs shed like the dickens on the Victorian furniture," Krueger said about the sled team. The sled and dogs are replaced with a giant basket and pelicans once the snow melts.

-Krueger photos and text by Ty Gangelhoff -Background photos con- tributed -A special thanks to Presi- dent Krueger for posing and being such a good sport during the compilation of this page.