CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY, NORTHRIDGE
Two Half-Hour Television Pilots
A graduate project submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements
For the degree of Master of Fine Arts in Screenwriting
By
Laura Cox
May 2017 Copyright by Laura Cox 2017
ii The graduate project of Laura Cox is approved:
______Professor Dianah Wynter Date
______Professor Jon Stahl Date
______Professor Eric Edson, Chair Date
California State University, Northridge
iii Table of Contents
Signature Page iii
Abstract v
Detective Cat Lady Pilot 1
Detective Cat Lady Bible 34
Friends, Inc. Pilot 40
Friends, Inc. Bible 61
iv Abstract
Two Half-Hour Television Pilots
By Laura Cox
Master of Fine Arts in Screenwriting
Detective Cat Lady is an animated half-hour comedy about a reclusive P.I. who’s bitten by a radioactive cat and then uses her abilities to battle wrongdoing. It’s Jessica Jones meets Bojack
Horseman: a female-led superhero series with a satirical, absurdist twist.
Detective Cat Lady flips the usual superhero mythos on its head. This show takes the stereotype of the “crazy cat lady” — ornery, unkempt, off-putting, depressive, agoraphobic — and transforms her into a hero. Ramona Tao, the titular Cat Lady, is all of these things. She’s a little schlubby, sure, but she’s also a bonafide hero.
Friends, Inc. is an episodic dramedy about a small company in near-future San Francisco that exchanges its employees’ empathy for clients’ money. Each 11-minute episode will tackle themes of loneliness and connection in a world where automation and commodification reign.
v Detective Cat Lady Pilot
TEASER
OVER BLACK:
MOODY SUPERHERO MUSIC plays. Think The Dark Knight, but, like, moodier.
A MALE VOICE -- one we’ll eventually know as MCNULTY’s -- comes in. It sounds like a bad Humphrey Bogart / film noir impression.
MCNULTY (O.S.) She moved like a cat that knows exactly where the birds live.
FADE IN:
EXT. DOWNTOWN MINNEAPOLIS - NIGHT
BUILDINGS tower.
Snow blankets the sidewalks and streets. Iced-over puddles glint in the streetlights.
Only one soul in sight: a HOMELESS WOMAN, 60s, huddled in a storefront. Her outstretched hands hold an open CAN OF CAT FOOD.
HOMELESS WOMAN Patches?
A LONE FIGURE in a hooded parka steps out from behind building. A scarf obscures most of her face.
She’s RAMONA TAO (28), Vietnamese-American. The titular DETECTIVE CAT LADY.
Her features are in shadow. She’s iconic. Worthy of this overbearing soundtrack.
MCNULTY (O.S.) She was graceful, but feral. Something wild lived inside.
Suddenly, she drops to all fours and crawls over to the woman on her hands and feet. Just like a cat.
1 HOMELESS WOMAN (relieved) Patches.
The woman puts down the can of food. Ramona licks at it.
MCNULTY (O.S.) She had a bat in her attic -- or was it the other way around? Was she the bat? And if she was the bat, what was the attic?
The woman scratches Ramona’s head.
MCNULTY (O.S.) (CONT’D) Wait, is society the attic?
Ramona purrs, lazily weaving through her legs in a figure eight shape. The woman has to stand on her toes and widen her stance to accommodate Ramona.
MCNULTY (O.S.) (CONT’D) (gravelly, intense) Metaphors are hard.
Ramona sniffs the can one last time and then bounds away.
The woman looks down at her hand. There’s a 50 DOLLAR BILL in it.
HOMELESS WOMAN (breathless with wonder) Thank you, Patches.
As the music CRESCENDOES, Ramona continues to RUN and LEAP down CITY STREETS. CAT-LIKE.
END OF TEASER
2 ACT ONE
INT. HARD TIMES CAFE - NIGHT
A crusty all-night cafe in East Minneapolis, full of greasy-haired college students and other riffraff.
Ramona sits with DAGNY SOLBERG (28), heavily tattooed, the excitable extrovert to Ramona’s navel-gazing grump. Despite her best efforts, she’s never been able to get rid of her Minnesota accent or Midwestern manners.
RAMONA To six months back in Miserapolis.
DAGNY To never leaving in the first place.
They CLINK coffee mugs. Ramona drinks deeply as Dagny surveys the cafe, searching for a face.
DAGNY (CONT’D) This is exhilarating.
RAMONA It’s temporary.
DAGNY Please. You love this shit. I remember when you used to track all of Mr. Werther’s absences because you thought he was the train track murderer. Ooh, does the perp have a code name?
RAMONA (off the top of her head) Tom.
DAGNY C’mon, have fun with it. What’s his real name?
RAMONA Not Tom.
DAGNY This guy’s cheating on his wife, right? Toms don’t do that shit. Tom Hanks is like the prince of dads. Tom Green survived testicular cancer. And Tom Arnold is... perfectly fine, as far as I know.
3 RAMONA Okay. Code Name “Bleached Asshole” just finished a game of Guess Who. Ten o’ clock.
Dagny follows Ramona’s gaze to a TABLE where ZACH, 30s, sits across from a woman, ALICIA, 20s. Zach wears a fedora and a houndstooth blazer -- he’s got a lecherous visiting professor vibe.
Dagny zeroes in on Alicia.
DAGNY (whispering) That’s the side chick?
Ramona SHUSHES her, takes an iPhone out of her pocket.
RAMONA Code Name “Let’s Not Slut Shame The Poor Girl.”
Alicia and Zach hug and kiss goodbye. Ramona discreetly takes a photo with the phone.
EXT. HARD TIMES CAFE - NIGHT
Ramona and Dagny emerge, fully bundled.
They walk together down the street.
DAGNY (means it) That was fun.
Ramona compulsively licks her hand and smooths her hair back.
RAMONA If you enjoy watching gross men kiss.
A BLACK CAR passes them on the street. Ramona glances over.
DAGNY But you’re helping people realize their partners are assholes. You’re like a --
RAMONA Angel of Death?
4 DAGNY Agent of change.
RAMONA I guess. It’s... something.
They walk in silence for a beat.
DAGNY You know what else is fun?
RAMONA Please don’t say high school reunions.
Dagny grabs Ramona’s arm.
DAGNY Please please please? Be my wingwoman.
Ramona’s FINGERS CURL. Her nails turn into CLAWS. She quickly jams them in her pockets.
RAMONA I’d rather kiss Bleached Asshole.
DAGNY Jenny Sloan is gonna be there. Jenny Sloan, Ramona.
RAMONA So? Send a message on Facebook like a normal person.
DAGNY She’s a mechanic in St. Cloud now. I bet she’s gonna show up in a greasy old jumper -- sweat stains in all the right places --
RAMONA Ew.
DAGNY Come with me.
Dagny pinches Ramona’s cheek.
DAGNY (CONT’D) Just...trust me. You might be surprised by how much you enjoy yourself, hm?
5 RAMONA Maybe. But I’m only going disguised as your soft butch lover.
Something catches Ramona’s eye and she turns her head to the street --
QUICK CUTS:
-- Ramona’s suddenly yellow EYES with GIANT, FELINE PUPILS.
-- THAT SAME BLACK CAR THAT PASSED THEM EARLIER -- sans headlights -- slowing as it drives past again.
BACK TO SCENE
Ramona shakes her head and turns back to Dagny, eyes human again.
RAMONA (CONT’D) Did you see that?
DAGNY Huh?
RAMONA Never mind. This is me.
She indicates her PARKED CAR, which is full of trash and file folders.
DAGNY This isn’t over, young lady.
RAMONA Love you, Dags. Now get outta here.
Ramona watches Dagny as she continues down the block, out of sight.
She sniffs the air, eyes turning yellow again.
RAMONA (CONT’D) (muttering) Pork rinds.
She unlocks her car with a BEEP.
6 EXT. RAMONA’S HOUSE - NIGHT
A modest, rundown house with a 1930s vibe.
EXT. PORCH - RAMONA’S HOUSE - NIGHT
JUDI DENCH sits on the porch, irritated.
Judi is a white, fluffy cat -- 42 in cat years, British, appropriately named.
Ramona exits her CAR in the driveway.
JUDI DENCH You’re late.
Ramona holds up a WHITE PHARMACY BAG and shakes it around.
JUDI DENCH (CONT’D) I suppose you’re just going to shove more barbs down your throat, then?
She unlocks her door to enter --
INT. RAMONA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Ramona picks Judi Dench up in her arms. Judi HISSES, scrambles out.
JUDI DENCH Naff off, you minge! Don’t distract me.
She jumps to the floor, then follows a giggling Ramona down a
HALLWAY
RAMONA Naff off? Sometimes I wonder if you’re actually English or if you just watched a few Ab Fab reruns at the shelter.
Judi scratches at Ramona’s ankle.
RAMONA (CONT’D) Ow!
7 They enter the
KITCHEN
Ramona sits at a small table. She takes a BOTTLE OF PILLS out of the bag. The label says “SECOBARBITAL.”
RAMONA (CONT’D) Someone’s following me, Judi Dench.
Judi jumps up, knocks over the pill bottle.
JUDI DENCH If you change the topic again, I’ll set up on your gob tonight. You’ll be deader than Princess Di.
RAMONA I’m serious.
JUDI DENCH So am I. You need to learn to control your felinity, not drown it in sleeping pills.
RAMONA And what happens if someone sees my eyes or claws change? I’ll be taken away. You and McNulty and Rumpus go back to the pound.
JUDI DENCH “Ne mettez pas votre coeur dans un transporteur d'animaux. Laissez votre Йme sauvage errer.”
RAMONA “Don’t put your heart in an animal carrier. Let your wild soul roam?” Yuck.
She takes one of her pills.
JUDI DENCH One of my French lovers whispered it to me on the banks of the Seine. You’ve obviously never made love to a poet.
RAMONA I fucked an English major sophomore year. What was it that he used to tell me? “Je ne porte pas de prОservatif ce soir.” I’m not wearing a condom tonight.
Judi Dench’s tail puffs up.
8 JUDI DENCH Such disrespect. I went to the dumpster behind the Sorbonne, you know. I studied Nietzche under a Manx cat with eyes the color of a Pyrenees waterfall.
She smiles wistfully.
JUDI DENCH (CONT’D) Gerard Depard-mew, his name was. He smelled like wood chips and hope and we made love in the alley behind the Louvre. And the Seine. Why didn’t I run away with you when you asked me to, Gerard?
A black cat, MCNULTY (38 in cat years), jazz- and film noir-loving (would definitely have a goatee and a beat poetry act if he could), hops on the table. McNulty’s THE VOICE FROM THE TEASER.
MCNULTY “When your head says one thing and your whole life says another, your head always loses.”
JUDI DENCH Would you rather listen to his nonsense or my sage advice?
The PHONE RINGS once. Ramona’s voicemail message PLAYS.
RAMONA (V.O.) Ramona Tao, P.I. Only you know why you’re calling, so go ahead and tell me.
The machine BEEPS. A SHARP, FEMALE SOUTHERN VOICE -- one that we’ll soon identify as ABIGAIL’s -- speaks.
ABIGAIL (O.C.) I know you’re there, Mona --
Ramona’s eyes light up yellow. She shoves another pill down her throat, closing her eyes. When she opens them again, they’re back to brown.
ABIGAIL (O.C.) (CONT’D) Jesus, Clark, you scared me. No, I said 2%. 2%. Yes, it fucking matters. No, you can’t just double the amount of 1%.
A MALE VOICE (O.S.) says something indistinct. A DOOR SHUTS. Abigail clears her throat.
9 ABIGAIL (O.C.) (CONT’D) If we weren’t screwing I’d fire him.
CLICK. BEEP. The message ends.
Ramona yawns and slumps on her arms on the table.
JUDI DENCH This conversation isn’t over.
RAMONA (drowsy) Abigail...
FADE TO:
BEGIN DREAM SEQUENCE
EXT. QUANTICO - NIGHT
All is dark except for a STRANGE, FLICKERING GLOW that emanates from behind a dilapidated brick column.
Ramona tries to pull out her gun, but she’s in a straitjacket.
Her back pressed against the column, she edges carefully towards the source of the light, then gasps --
POV SHOT
A GIANT CAT SHADOW FLICKERS ON THE WALL.
BACK TO SCENE
RAMONA FBI! Put your hands up!
Her eyes widen.
The PURRING SOUND becomes a WHEEZING SOUND, the kind a cat makes when hacking up a hair ball.
She steps out and sees...
10 A SMALL BLACK CAT WITHOUT A FACE. It casts an OVERSIZED SHADOW.
The cat jumps on her.
RAMONA (CONT’D) Wha --
A RAINBOW BEAM OF ENERGY hits Ramona in the chest, and she flies backwards --
-- she screams as she falls into a VORTEX of CAT VIDEOS-- the SOUND OF A WHEEZING, HACKING CAT crescendoes, echoes --
END OF DREAM SEQUENCE
Ramona wakes up, breathing heavily, at the table.
Judi Dench and McNulty are both asleep.
She watches as RUMPUS, a giant, rotund, completely bald cat (81 in cat years), hacks up a hair ball in the corner of the kitchen.
Rumpus finally produces the dense ball of hair. He licks it at it.
Ramona presses her face into her arms, sighing. She takes another pill.
END OF ACT ONE
11 ACT TWO
INT. CAR - DAY
Two MEN in suits watch Ramona’s apartment from inside a BLACK CAR across the street. They are JOHN, 35, and STEVEN, 50, but we don’t know that just yet.
John, a professorial, straightlaced redhead, sits in the passenger seat. He looks miserable, perhaps because of his partner, Steven, a loud mouth who noisily eats PORK RINDS in the driver’s seat.
A pair of BINOCULARS sits between them.
JOHN Is she home yet? Or did she never leave?
STEVEN Yeah, this pussy’s almost as hard to find as my wife’s.
He cackles, slapping an unamused John on the arm.
STEVEN (CONT’D) C’mon. Not even Rodriguez had as much of a stick up her ass.
JOHN Agent Rodriguez is suing you for harassment.
STEVEN Who told you that? Are you wearing a wire? ‘Cause legally, you have to tell me.
JOHN We both know that’s not true.
Steven taps on John’s chest hard. John swipes his fingers away.
STEVEN If anyone’s listening, I was talking about birds, the tropical ones with bright feet. Ask anyone, I’m a avocadoculturist.
JOHN You mean aviculturist? Look, there she is --
He raises BINOCULARS to his eyes.
POV SHOT --
12 A BLONDE WOMAN knocks on Ramona’s SIDE DOOR. Ramona opens the door to her GARAGE OFFICE and shakes the woman’s hand.
BACK TO SCENE
JOHN (O.S.) (CONT’D) Confirmed. Dark brown hair, mid twenties, 5’1 or 5’2. Asian descent.
STEVEN You just listed most of my pornhub search terms.
He grabs John’s binoculars, takes a gander.
STEVEN (CONT’D) Decent boobies, too.
JOHN (disgusted) So large tropical seabirds are a preoccupation of yours.
Steven continues to watch through binoculars.
INT. OFFICE - RAMONA’S HOUSE - SAME TIME
Ramona sits across from GEMMA, 30s, the blonde woman.
She passes over PHOTOS of Zach and Alicia -- the couple at Hard Times -- kissing.
RAMONA Here you go.
Gemma puts a hand on her heart.
GEMMA Zach?
Ramona nods.
RAMONA I’m sorry.
GEMMA Oh god, it’s true.
13 RAMONA (truly angry) He’s a jerk.
QUICK FLASH:
The little SHADOW CAT from Ramona’s dream runs towards us.
BACK TO SCENE
Ramona shakes her head.
RAMONA (CONT’D) Yes -- yep.
GEMMA Fucking asshole.
She bursts into tears. Ramona takes a steadying breath.
RAMONA I, too, wish that marriage were a sacred institution, but --
Gemma glares at her.
QUICK FLASH:
The shadow cat bares its teeth.
BACK TO SCENE
Ramona clasps a hand over her mouth.
RAMONA (CONT’D) Have a tissue.
She pushes a tissue box towards Gemma. JUDI DENCH jumps onto the desk. Gemma stands up immediately.
GEMMA (horrified) I’m allergic to cats.
CLOSE ON RAMONA’s HANDS --
14 Her nails turn into CLAWS.
BACK TO SCENE
Ramona’s pupils get EXTRA LARGE.
GEMMA (CONT’D) This is weird.
Ramona stands, too.
GEMMA (CONT’D) I’m gonna go.
RAMONA No, I --
Gemma throws a handful of bills onto Ramona’s desk.
GEMMA I’m an Elite Reviewer on Yelp. Don’t fuck with me.
She slams the door behind her.
Ramona’s CELL PHONE RINGS on her desk. Ramona looks at it. It’s an UNKNOWN NUMBER.
JUDI DENCH For god’s sake, pick it up.
She does.
RAMONA Hello?
INT. ABIGAIL’S OFFICE - FBI HEADQUARTERS - SAME TIME
This is ABIGAIL STEPHENS, 29, African-American, Southern belle with a killer instinct. She sits on top of a big fancy desk, legs crossed. Delicate and dangerous.
ABIGAIL (fake) Mona!
15 INT. RAMONA’S OFFICE - SAME TIME
Ramona’s eyes turn yellow.
RAMONA Abby. It’s been a while.
INTERCUT:
ABIGAIL Coming up on a year. Anyway, how’s it going on the dick-tip of hell?
RAMONA Is your nose still nestled in the FBI’s asshole?
ABIGAIL Aw, honey. Your parents must be so disappointed. You probably should’ve killed yourself when you had the chance.
Ramona looks more cat-like than she ever has before. She shoves a few pills down her throat.
ABIGAIL (CONT’D) Have you gone soft, Tao? Used to be that we would threaten to kill each other fifteen times before lunch. Remember when we tasered each other that one time?
RAMONA I’ve got nothing for you.
ABIGAIL You’re pissed about how it all turned out? So am I. We were supposed to do this together. You and me. Sniffing each other out like bitches in heat. Taking over the whole goddamn agency.
RAMONA Why did you call me?
ABIGAIL I -- I saw your name on a case file.
Ramona’s hair stands on end. She looks like she’s in an antigravity machine.
RAMONA You what?
16 ABIGAIL If you say anything to anyone at the bureau, I ain’t talking. I’ll put you in Gitmo faster than you can say habeas corpus. And don’t try to tell me Gitmo’s closing, ‘cause we both know that’s not happening.
RAMONA Did you see anything else?
ABIGAIL Just your name.
Ramona considers this.
ABIGAIL (CONT’D) I also sent you a Christmas present. It cost three months of D.C. rent to ship it to your fly-over state, so look alive and be grateful.
RAMONA Is it the bag of frozen peas you used to tape to your goiter when it was acting up?
Abigail grins. “There’s my girl.”
ABIGAIL I miss you, Ramona. I miss when you despised me and I despised you and we knew we’d save each other from domestic terrorists just so that we could experience the intense pleasure of killing each other later.
RAMONA (verklempt) I know exactly what you mean.
She hangs up, hair still standing on end.
INT. ABIGAIL’S OFFICE - FBI HEADQUARTERS - SAME TIME
Abigail hangs up the phone.
Arms crossed, a neutral expression on her face, she looks across her office. A suit-wearing BALD MAN, 50s, stands in her doorway.
ABIGAIL How was that, sir?
17 BALD MAN Perfect.
He walks out of her office.
EXT. RAMONA’S HOUSE - DAY
Ramona stands on her snow-covered lawn, sniffing. McNulty, Judi Dench and Rumpus mill around her.
JUDI DENCH You want to be balanced? You need to practice. Stop struggling with your felinity. Welcome it.
RAMONA Is that what Gerard Depard-mew said before he --
JUDI DENCH This is serious. Hone your senses, Ramona.
Rumpus rhythmically hacks up a hair ball. They all turn to him.
RAMONA (re: the hair ball) Where does it come from? He barely has whiskers.
JUDI DENCH Concentrate.
RAMONA It’s probably a psychological response to centuries of selective inbreeding. (to Rumpus) You, Rumpus, are sad and bald because my species is unremittingly selfish.
JUDI DENCH Shush.
Ramona sighs, closes her eyes.
EVERYTHING GOES QUIET as she tunes into her senses.
RAMONA I smell dogs and...
18 She gasps.
RAMONA (CONT’D) Pork rinds.
McNulty sniffs the air dreamily.
MCNULTY Really? I smell loss and doubt.
HENRY (late 20s), ageing skater boy, rounds the corner with two Chihuahuas on leashes. He waves when he spots Ramona.
McNulty runs away.
HENRY Hey, neighbor! Hi, kittens.
RAMONA JUDI DENCH Hey! Condescending prick. I’d love to piss where you sleep.
Henry crouches down in front of Judi Dench, who hisses. The Chihuahuas YAP around him.
HENRY (CONT’D) (amused) Ha! Your cat totally hates me.
INTERCUT
HENRY’S AUDITORY POV --
Ramona meows at Judi, avoiding Henry’s eyes.
This -- a human woman making meowing sounds -- is what Henry and all other normal humans see and hear when Ramona communicates with cats. It’s super weird.
RAMONA’S AUDITORY POV --
Ramona speaks normally.
19 RAMONA (to Judi Dench) Stop that. I’m trying to concentrate.
HENRY’S AUDITORY POV --
Ramona and Judi continue meowing at each other.
Henry cackles at them.
HENRY Wow, you are too fucking funny.
RAMONA Thanks.
HENRY Hey, let me know if you want me to smoke you out sometime. I’ve got a cousin in Colorado.
He winks at her. Ramona grimaces.
RAMONA Sounds cool.
He ambles away, dogs in tow, still cackling. Ramona watches him leave.
The dogs strain against Henry’s leashes, apparently attracted to something on the other side of the street.
RAMONA (CONT’D) Pork rinds.
She searches the other side of the street. She lands on an unmarked BLACK CAR that’s parked a quarter of a block down.
RAMONA (CONT’D) That’s them. The vivisectionists. Or CIA. Or FBI. Who knows.
JUDI DENCH You have a plan?
RAMONA Sniff them out.
20 JUDI DENCH Good girl.
They exchange a smile.
END OF ACT TWO
21 ACT THREE
INT. STOKES HIGH SCHOOL GYM - NIGHT
A 10-year high school reunion in full swing.
MAXAMED “MAX” ABDI (28) -- Somali-American, a gregarious people pleaser -- sits behind a welcome desk with DOLORES, 16, a bracefaced high schooler. NAME TAGS and CLIPBOARDS are set up in front of them.
DOLORES I just don’t know if he likes me.
MAX Why not?
DOLORES He’s kinda near-sighted. Maybe he was just trying to see my face clearer. What do you think, Mr. Abdi?
MAX Guys like it when gals make the first move.
Dolores nods slowly.
DOLORES So if I want to kiss him, I should kiss him?
MAX Now, don’t quote me on that, or I’ll go to jail for a very long...
Max looks up. He spots Ramona, who trudges next to Dagny, dressed to the nines. Ramona wears jeans and a t-shirt and a beanie -- she’s definitely under-dressed.
MAX (CONT’D) Time...
She takes off her hat.
MAX (V.O.) Ramona...
Her long, dark hair swings around in slow motion. Suddenly, she’s a model in a SHAMPOO COMMERCIAL.
22 MAX (V.O.) (echo-y) If you want to kiss her, kiss her...
BEGIN FLASHBACK:
On a high school auditorium stage, awkward 15-year-old Max, wearing a Romeo costume, purses his lips and leans in to kiss 15-year-old Ramona, dressed as Juliet...
...he cranes his neck... he’s almost there...he sticks out his tongue a little...
...but 15-year-old Ramona takes a big step back on the stage, horrified.
15-YEAR-OLD RAMONA THIS ISN’T PART OF THE SCENE, ROMEO.
Ramona’s words echo over and over and over...
...the audience SCREECHES with LAUGHTER...
...Max runs off the stage in terror...
BACK TO SCENE
Max shakes his head.
MAX (grim, under his breath) This isn’t part of the scene, Romeo.
DOLORES What?
Ramona and Dagny weave through various 20-something COUPLES towards the desk.
DOLORES (CONT’D) OMG, what a cute lesbian couple! You know them?
MAX Ramona Tao. Stokes High School valedictorian. Captain of the lacrosse team. Tri-state speech and debate champion. Princeton graduate...
He sighs wistfully.
23 MAX (CONT’D) ...Former childhood bully.
DOLORES Woah. Such hashtag goals, Mr. Abdi. No offense.
MAX None taken, Dolores.
Ramona and Dagny step up to the desk.
MAX (CONT’D) Ramona! I didn’t think you’d make it. I mean, you never responded to the Facebook invite. I mean, I’m pretty sure we’re not friends on Facebook, but --
Dolores shakes her head at him slowly.
MAX (CONT’D) -- It was an open event, so... This is my protegОe, Dolores.
DOLORES (horrifed) That’s not true. I’m in detention ‘cause I drew nipples on the picture of the girls’ swim team. It’s like, the boys’ dumb nipples are always showing, so...
She points a thumb at herself.
DOLORES (CONT’D) Anyway, I’m a feminist.
RAMONA (to Max) I’m sorry, who are you?
MAX Max? You used to call me Gluteus Maximus?
Dolores chuckles.
RAMONA Damn, I was clever.
MAX I’m a school counselor now.
24 Dagny distractedly takes Ramona’s hand.
DAGNY We’re together, but it’s not serious. But it is hot. Feel free to spread that around. Has Jenny Sloan showed up yet?
Max hands them both NAME TAGS.
MAX I think so --
Dagny pulls Ramona towards the gym floor. Max watches longingly.
EXT. STOKES HIGH SCHOOL - SAME TIME
John and Steven sit in the car.
JOHN (to himself) Johnson said she might have inherited TS 59’s claws. I wonder if she got its fangs, too.
STEVEN For my sake, I hope not.
John fiddles with his shirt.
JOHN I want you to do me a favor.
STEVEN What’s that, college?
JOHN You went to Penn.
STEVEN (serious) Yeah, a working man’s school. Ask the President.
JOHN I want you to stop assuming you have a free pass to make offensive comments just ‘cause I’m straight, white and male --
25 STEVEN (snorting) Straight? Coulda fooled me.
JOHN You know what? I need some air.
STEVEN It’s too risky --
JOHN Stop being a fucking Borat character.
John opens the car door and stomps away.
INT. STOKES HIGH SCHOOL GYM - NIGHT
About 300 attendees mill around as “ALL MY FRIENDS” by LCD SOUNDSYSTEM plays.
Ramona watches, bored out of her mind, as JENNY SLOAN and Dagny dance along. She nurses a cocktail.
FEMALE VOICE (O.S.) Hey Ramona!
Ramona turns her head, brushes some hair into her face.
FEMALE VOICE (O.S.) (CONT’D) Ramona?
Ramona hides her face with her hands. The threat subsides; she uncovers her face.
JENNY How about you Ramona?
RAMONA Huh?
JENNY What’ve you been up to? Didn’t you go to Stanford or something?
DAGNY Princeton!
26 QUICK FLASH:
The small, dark cat approaches.
BACK TO SCENE
Ramona shakes her head.
RAMONA For a little bit, yeah.
She downs the rest of her drink.
DAGNY She’s a private investigator now.
JENNY Woah! So cool. We always thought you were gonna be the president or something.
QUICK FLASH:
The cat is closer.
BACK TO SCENE
Ramona pops a white pill from her pocket.
RAMONA So are you seeing anyone? Dagny has a huge crush on you.
Dagny stops dancing abruptly.
DAGNY Ramona!
JENNY Oh my god, I’ve always liked you.
DAGNY Even when you --
JENNY Even when I was “straight.”
27 DAGNY Wow.
JENNY Yeah. Wow.
They hug tenderly. Ramona smiles.
RAMONA My work is done. I’ve got to go watch PBS or something --
She starts to walk away. Dagny grabs her.
DAGNY No, stay here!
RAMONA Why?
The MUSIC STOPS. Everyone looks to the PLATFORM across the gym. TARA, 28, a blonde woman with a strong Minnesota accent, taps on a microphone.
TARA Okay, everyone, we’re just about ready to give out our alumni award, which includes a 50 dollar gift certificate to Friendly’s.
Someone WHOOPS.
TARA (CONT’D) Now, this gal was a firecracker back in school. We all knew her as a real smart cookie, and I know some of us were pretty danged jealous. Star athlete, star student, star everything.
She laughs nervously.
TARA (CONT’D) The fact that she’s back in the East Minneapolis community after a few years away is a testament to how connected she is to the people here, and we thank her for that.
In the crowd, Dagny beams at Ramona.
Tara takes a deep breath.
28 TARA (CONT’D) The inimitable Ramona Tao, please come up here.
Back in the CROWD, Dagny looks to Ramona again, but she’s gone.
EXT. STOKES HIGH SCHOOL - NIGHT
Ramona runs out, jamming her hat on her head. Her eyes are yellow.
Out of nowhere, Judi Dench jumps into her arms.
RAMONA See anything?
JUDI DENCH What didn’t I see? They’re a couple of twats. One of them is in the gas station buying gum and the other one’s just farting in their car.
RAMONA Thanks, Judi.
Ramona locks eyes with the GAS STATION down the street from the school. She drops Judi in the snow and heads that way.
END OF ACT THREE
29 ACT FOUR
INT. GAS STATION - NIGHT
Ramona waits in line behind a few truckers, a water bottle in hand.
SOMEONE steps out of the bathroom -- it’s John. He clocks Ramona and manages to hide his surprise, but only just.
He joins the line behind her. Ramona sniffs the air and her eyes flash yellow.
JOHN Been a long time since we experienced this kind of cold, huh?
Ramona turns around.
RAMONA I’m sorry, what was that?
JOHN It’s been... really cold lately.
She looks him up and down.
RAMONA Yeah. It has.
She faces the counter again.
JOHN Are you from around her?
RAMONA Really? We’re still talking?
JOHN I was just being polite, ma’am.
RAMONA Bullshit.
JOHN Wow, lady, I --
30 The little bell on the front door RINGS. Someone enters. Both John and Ramona turn -- it’s Max. He’s panting.
MAX Ramona! We’ve been looking for you everywhere.
RAMONA Tell Dagny I’m sorry, okay?
John abruptly leaves the station.
RAMONA (CONT’D) Shit.
Ramona runs after him, leaving Max behind. Her NAILS turn into CLAWS.
EXT. GAS STATION - CONTINUOUS
The black car idles in the parking lot. John stands confidently in front of it.
JOHN Calm down, Ramona. We just need to ask you a few questions.
Eyes flashing, Ramona runs towards him and the car. Steven gets out with a GUN and points it at Ramona.
JOHN (CONT’D) (to Steve) No!
But Ramona keeps running towards the car. She moves to all fours.
She looks more and more feline as she does -- her hair stands on end. She hisses. She jumps --
Steven shoots --
Ramona drops from the sky. Bleeding and down.
OVER BLACK:
MAX Ramona!
JOHN I can help --
31 STEVEN Ah, f--
ALL SOUND FADES OUT as the small black cat emerges. He licks a wound in his chest. He licks, licks, licks.
A FLASH OF LIGHT.
EXT. GAS STATION - LATER
Max, John and Steven stand over Ramona, who lays in a pool of blood. It seems that only seconds have passed.
She opens her eyes and gets up, as spry as ever. A SIREN sounds in the distance.
Ramona feels around for her bullet wound. There’s nothing there.
RAMONA Uh...
STEVEN See? I knew she could survive that. It was a warning shot, man.
John shakes his head, disgusted, and steps closer to Ramona. Hands her a card. She looks at it: it has a single phone number on it.
JOHN Look. We know who you are. We want to help.
RAMONA You just shot at me.
JOHN My misogynistic partner just shot at you. Don’t judge me by his stupid fucking actions.
He sighs, wipes his forehead.
JOHN (CONT’D) Call me when you want to talk.
Ramona watches, dumbstruck, as John and Steven go back in the car and drive away.
Max stands next to her.
32 MAX Uh... What just happened?
She looks at him.
FADE OUT
33 Detective Cat Lady Series Bible
Series Description
An animated half-hour comedy about a reclusive P.I. who’s bitten by a radioactive cat and then uses her abilities to battle wrongdoing. It’s Jessica Jones meets Bojack Horseman: a female-led superhero series with a satirical, absurdist twist.
Detective Cat Lady flips the usual superhero mythos on its head. This show takes the stereotype of the “crazy cat lady” — ornery, unkempt, off-putting, depressive, agoraphobic — and transforms her into a hero. Ramona Tao, the titular Cat Lady, is all of these things. She’s a little schlubby, sure, but she’s also a bonafide hero.
The series also plays with the typical superhero origin story. Like Peter Parker/Spiderman,
Ramona develops special abilities after the radioactive cat bites her, like excellent night vision and hearing, agility, fangs, and the ability to talk to cats. Unlike Peter Parker, who retains only the advantages of his arachnid benefactor, Ramona deals with many of the drawbacks and bodily realities associated with the house cat. We’re talking hairballs, naps, compulsive self-grooming, and an all-protein diet.
Detective Cat Lady will look like Buffy the Vampire Slayer or The X-Files in terms of season structure. Each episode will generally tackle a ‘bad guy’ or mystery of the week, but will also have serialized elements that contribute to season-long arcs.
Ramona was cat-like even before a radioactive cat bit her: smart, independent, territorial. Ramona’s powers serve as a metaphor for depression — she has to learn to manage the feline within.
34 Characters
RAMONA
Ramona’s backstory will be doled out through the first season. Her parents are Vietnamese immigrants. After graduating top of her class in high school, Ramona left Minneapolis for bigger and better things (Princeton University). A few years after graduation, she started training with the
FBI, but was released after a 5150 and a month-long stint in a psychiatric hospital. She was bitten by a radioactive cat just outside. For Ramona, being a PI is an outlet for her crime-fighting instincts and her feline ones.
Ramona is deeply bitter about the turn her life has taken. Every day is a fight between her worst instincts (stay home and languish) and her best ones (use her abilities for the common good).
She’s also haunted by a bigger question: what exactly happened to her and why? Where on earth did this radioactive cat come from?
Throughout the series, Ramona will repeatedly demonstrate both the bad and the good things that come along with being a cat.
Advantages:
— Night vision.
— High heat tolerance.
— Fluency in cat language.
— Great hearing.
— The ability to fit into spaces that are the width of her head; like a cat’s, her shoulder sockets are free-floating and malleable.
35 — The ability to walk and move very quietly.
— The ability can fall from great heights and land on her feet, and to jump and pounce with a cat’s grace and strength.
— Sharp-ass claws.
Disadvantages:
— A strict all-protein diet. (Ramona is a former vegan.)
— A strong desire to eat grass.
— Compulsions to groom and lick herself.
— Hairballs.
— Feline communication instincts (she hisses; her hair stand on end; her ears perk up and flatten.)
— Sharp-ass claws.
Finally, and most importantly, Ramona means well. She really does. At her core, Ramona’s a precocious teen whose adult life never matched her expectations — an essentially smart, competent person blindsided by mental health issues and nefarious governmental organizations.
ABIGAIL
Abigail is Ramona’s longtime competitor and frenemy. They came up together at Princeton and at
Quantico, and they’ve always pushed each other — sometimes too far — to succeed.
Abigail is fiery, southern, proud, and sharp-tongued. She’s not one to mince words. When it comes down to it, she’ll put herself and her career first, but she also has a soft spot for Ramona.
She views Ramona as the only person who’s ever really challenged her.
MAX (MAXAMED) ABDI
36 A Somali-American who works as a counselor at his and Ramona’s alma mater, George Stokes
High School. Ramona used to bully him mercilessly. He has always had a giant crush on her.
A former nerd, Max is charming and handsome but insecure — and a pretty good bantering partner. He will tentatively pursue Ramona through the seasons, even after he discovers Ramona’s big secret.
MCNULTY
A rotund black cat, McNulty has a fondness for expensive catnip, noir cinema, and $50 brie. He and Judi Dench both live with Ramona. He’s insufferable — the kind of guy who takes everything seriously, including himself. He frequently narrates what’s happening around him whilst doing a
Humphrey Bogart impression. He’s Judi Dench’s punching bag, but they also have an on-again off-again hate-sex affair.
JUDI DENCH
Judi Dench is a no-nonsense fluffy, white cat — the cool, calm, collected scientist of the group.
She’s a total badass — think young(er) Judi Dench. Like M in the 007 movies. She has a plan and a razor-sharp wit. She’s also McNulty’s sometimes-paramour (McNulty’s her guilty pleasure).
The First Season
Over the first 12-episode season Ramona, will investigate her own origin story. She will discover a shadowy government organization called T59 whose experiments resulted in her
37 condition. As she gets closer to the answers she seeks, she will also tackle cases in Minneapolis.
Her relationships will develop, too: her trust in her two feline sidekicks, McNulty and Judi Dench, will deepen; her bestie, Dagny Solberg, will try to convince her to stay of out danger; against her better judgment, she’ll become embroiled in a love triangle with Max, her former high school classmate, and one of the FBI agents sent to track her down.
1.1 “Pilot”
Ramona struggles to connect with her work as a P.I. Her life gets messier when her old friend from college and Quantico, Abigail, calls with news that the FBI might be investigating her. Dagny forces Ramona to attend their 10-year high school reunion, which ends up being an unwelcome blast from the past.
1.2 “O Mother, Where Art Thou?”
Ramona helps Max search for his missing mother. Meanwhile, John tries to get back in contact with Ramona. She comes up with an escape plan. Max reveals he knows that Ramona has superpowers.
1.3 “Abigail”
Ramona travels to Virginia to find answers about TS 59, but when she tracks Abigail down, she discovers that her old friend may be working against her.
1.4 “Loot-A-Fisk”
Ramona investigates the murder of a local lutefisk maker and uncovers a bizarro local branch of the mob.
38 1.5 “Canado or Canadon’t”
Ramona discovers that a Canadian agency — this one considerably more aggressive than TS 59 — is also tracking her down. She’s surprised when John steps in to save her.
1.6 “Mental Health Day”
Ramona stays inside all day. Judi Dench and McNulty worry that she’s withdrawing into herself too much. They come up with a plan to break her out of her own mind.
Potential Future Storylines
— Ramona teams up with the FBI to solve crimes, but harbors doubts that they have her best interests at heart.
— Max is bitten by a TS59 dog and develops canine powers, which complicates his relationship with Ramona.
— Dagny discovers Ramona’s secret and is pissed that she doesn’t know.
— Judi Dench is stolen and put in the pound while Ramona is away. McNulty has to break her out.
— After she and Ramona have a fight, Dagny goes missing. Ramona finds out that Dagny’s bait, intended to draw her out and into the hands of the evil Canadian agency.
39 Friends, Inc. Pilot
PART ONE
OVER BLACK:
TITLE: “ROCK CAKES”
FADE IN:
INT. BEDROOM - PARTH’S HOUSE - NIGHT
PARTH BHIMANI, 32, sleeps in a modest twin-sized bed. He’s Pakistani-American, mild-mannered, a dreamer who rationalizes his way out of actually doing anything about it.
His PHONE BEEPS twice and he jolts out of sleep.
INT. KITCHEN - PARTH’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Parth’s mother, DIANA, makes rice on the stove. She’s commanding and speaks in a Pakistani accent.
She hums along to an OPERA on the radio.
Parth enters, yawning and pulling a sweater over his head.
DIANA I thought you weren’t gonna work tonight, huh?
Parth just stares at his phone.
INSERT -- PHONE SCREEN
A picture of a pretty African-American woman, 30s, accompanies this text:
PARTH, YOU HAVE A FRIEND!
TARA, 38
FRIEND PREFERENCES: NONE
40 DIETARY RESTRICTIONS: NONE
MESSAGE: Just looking for a fun night :)
SWIPE RIGHT TO ACCEPT
BACK TO SCENE
Diana waves a spoon in Parth’s direction.
DIANA (CONT’D) Hello? Sleepy boy? You have a date with Clarissa.
PARTH I rescheduled.
Parth walks over to her and kisses her on the cheek. She wipes it off.
DIANA Ladies don’t like that.
PARTH She was tired, anyway. She said she might be coming down with a cold.
He grabs his car keys.
DIANA Next time, you bring her soup.
PARTH Alright, mom.
He exits.
INT. / EXT. PARTH’S CAR - NIGHT
Parth drives topsy-turvy SAN FRANCISCO STREETS.
His phone is on his lap. A voicemail message PLAYS.
CLARISSA (O.C.) You’ve reached Clarissa Setiomiguno and Mrs. Finkelstein -- say meow Mrs. Finkelstein -- never mind, she won’t. Anyway, leave a message!
41 PARTH Hey, it’s Parth -- I’m just calling to let you know that I, ah, think I might be coming down with a cold or something.
EXT. PEARL’S HOUSE - NIGHT
A huge McMansion.
Parth double checks his phone. Sees the picture of pretty Cara and smiles. He knocks.
The DOOR OPENS. PEARL, 12, African-American, too smart for her own good, in the throes of puberty, stands in front of him.
She frowns as she appraises him.
PEARL I thought you were supposed to be a woman. I put it under ‘preferences.’
Parth is at a loss.
PARTH It didn’t go through -- I’m sorry, does Cara live at this address?
PEARL Do you even know how to cook?
She opens the door wider and walks inside.
INT. KITCHEN - PEARL’S HOUSE - NIGHT
A big kitchen full of stainless steel appliances.
PARTH Where’s your mom?
PEARL I dunno.
PARTH So you ordered me.
42 PEARL You’re catching up. Pearl. Nice to meet you.
Parth shakes her hand.
PEARL (CONT’D) Sorry about the run-around, I guess. Have you ever read the MacLander books?
She looks for a pan in the pantry. Parth just stands there, bamboozled.
PARTH No, but my girlfriend reads them.
PEARL You? A girlfriend? Puh-lease.
Parth raises his eyebrows.
PARTH Those are the ones about time travel and the hot Scottish boat captain, right?
PEARL Ew, don’t say ‘hot.’
PARTH That’ll be the last time, I swear.
PEARL I’m making those weird rock cakes that they used to take on long journeys. They, like, never spoil, supposedly.
PARTH Is your mom okay with me being here?
PEARL Couldja take me to the grocery store? We just need flour. And oranges to stave off scurvy.
PARTH Pearl. Your mother.
Pearl stops rummaging. Faces him head on.
PEARL I’m telling you. She doesn’t care.
43 PARTH I’d feel a lot better if I could talk to her.
PEARL Fine. Your choice.
She dials a number on her PHONE without looking. Parth takes it. It RINGS twice.
PARTH Hello, is this... Cara?...This is Parth Bhimani? I’m from Friends, Inc... It’s that new... Oh, okay. You’ve seen the billboards.
Pearl snaps her fingers: “hurry up!”
PARTH (CONT’D) Yeah, that’s me...Your daughter called me over...Uh-huh...She wants to make --
PEARL Rock cakes!
PARTH Rock cakes... Uh-huh... Oh. Okay. Bye.
Parth hangs up. He’s taken aback.
PEARL See? And don’t worry about the money. My mom is totally loaded.
PARTH This still feels weird, Pearl. Do you have anyone else I can call? A dad? A grandma?
PEARL My dad’s dead.
PARTH Oh, I’m sorry, I --
PEARL Calm down. I’ll tip you. I just need flour, friend.
He reluctantly grabs his keys and they head back out.
44 INT. / EXT. PARTH’S CAR
Parth drives his car, nervous. Pearl sits in the passenger seat, cool as a cucumber.
PARTH Did you have fun at school today?
PEARL Not really. My teacher’s kind of a bitch.
PARTH (scandalized) Pearl!
PEARL I’m serious. And don’t bother saying anything to my mom. She lets me say whatever I want. She’s really into free speech or whatever.
Parth smiles.
PARTH Why’s your teacher a b-word?
PEARL Well, like today, she said that she thinks she and her husband are still together because they both believe in god. Like other people’s parents aren’t together ‘cause they don’t.
Parth nods.
PEARL (CONT’D) And I’m like, bad stuff doesn’t happen to you just because of God. God doesn’t exist. And then she told me I was just a kid and how could I know that.
She shrugs.
PARTH Sounds like she got defensive. The idea of god comforts her. Maybe it’s something she needs in her life, even if you don’t.
PEARL I guess.
A long silence passes.
45 PEARL (CONT’D) So you do this every day? You pretend to be someone’s friend?
PARTH I’m not pretending most of the time.
PEARL What about now?
PARTH Well, nobody like you has ever ordered me before.
PEARL What? A kid?
PARTH Well...yeah.
Pearl considers this.
PEARL You like being a friend?
PARTH It’s better than an office job. I’ve never been very good at sitting for long periods of time.
PEARL What about the girlfriend?
PARTH What about her?
PEARL She doesn’t mind you being called by other girls and stuff?
Parth chuckles to himself.
PARTH We have a really positive relationship. Besides, it’s kind of my job to draw boundaries. We’re not allowed to have romantic friends.
PEARL Uh-huh.
46 Pearl doesn’t look convinced.
INT. GROCERY STOREY - NIGHT
Parth follows Pearl as she tosses things -- chocolate bars, pretzels, whole bags of oranges, milk -- into a GROCERY CART.
FLOUR AISLE
She tosses THREE BAGS OF FLOUR into the cart.
PARTH Woah, woah, woah. Why do you need so much stuff?
PEARL How much is 3 times 365?
PARTH Uh... I dunno, more than a thousand?
Pearl tosses another bag of flour into the cart.
PEARL We’ll probably need at least ten pounds -- I guess we’ll have to do it in different batches --
PARTH Hold up.
PEARL Our oven is so small.
PARTH Pearl, why do you need so many impervious, unspoilable Scottish rock cakes?
PEARL Ummmmm....
INT. / EXT. PARTH’S CAR
Parth and Pearl drive in silence, bags piled in the backseat.
47 PARTH You’re running away.
Pearl shrugs.
PEARL You gonna tell my mom?
PARTH I don’t know yet. Where are you going?
PEARL I don’t know yet.
PARTH You know what I think? I think you’re too smart to not have a plan.
She shrugs again.
PARTH (CONT’D) Do you want to hear my other theory?
PEARL Not really.
PARTH You could’ve ordered all this stuff on the Internet. Instead, you used Friends, Inc. and got an adult to come over. I think you wanted someone to talk you out of it.
PEARL My friend lives in Atlanta. I was thinking about going there, maybe.
PARTH Maybe you can just tell her -- tell your mom that you need to --
PEARL You think I haven’t tried that? She still thinks I’m three years old. I don’t think she even knows I have, like, thoughts and feelings yet.
PARTH That must be hard.
PEARL But at the same time, it’s like she’s just my roommate, you know?
48 Parth nods.
PARTH So... Who’s this friend in Atlanta?
Pearl turns to the window.
INT. KITCHEN - PEARL’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Pearl opens her laptop, shows Parth.
PARTH You met in a MacLander chat room?
PEARL What? Stop judging me.
PARTH I’m not. I think it’s really cool.
PEARL Really?
PARTH What’s the plan?
PEARL I’m gonna have a thousand rock cakes and oranges and a bunch of meat and eggs for protein. And I have a sleeping bag and one change of clothes that I’ll wash when I can. Eventually I’ll hop on the Mississippi and head south. Worse comes to worst, I stay with other MacLander friends on the way and they hide me so my mom doesn’t know.
PARTH May I share my thoughts?
PEARL If you have to.
49 PARTH I think your plan would be, like, awesome if we lived in 18th century Scotland, but we have all of these things -- like borders, and police, and schools -- in place to prevent you from doing much besides following this track that everyone else is following. If you run, I think you’re gonna end up hiding out from all these people and all their rules for the rest of your life.
Pearl frowns.
PEARL So you don’t think it’ll work?
PARTH I’m saying there are ways to travel without leaving.
Pearl mulls this over. She punches him in the arm.
PEARL You’re so corny.
PARTH That’s me. A big old cornball.
PEARL I’m not scared, you know.
PARTH I know you’re not. Wanna make some rock cakes?
She nods “yes.”
INT. / EXT. PARTH’S CAR.
Parth drives alone. He eats a rock cake and smiles.
FADE OUT.
END OF PART ONE
PART TWO
50 INT. LIVING ROOM - IZZIE’S APARTMENT - DAY
ISABELA “IZZIE” PALMA (25) -- cute, people pleaser -- sits with her girlfriend, DEB (26) -- Rachel Maddow hot -- on their tiny Ikea sofa.
Izzie’s legs rest on Deb’s lap. Izzie’s laptop rests on her stomach. They both wear headphones.
A portrait of 21st century domestic bliss. Izzie and Deb glance up, smile at each other.
Izzie beams.
IZZIE”S LAPTOP SCREEN:
MUSIC UP: “EMPTY NESTERS” by TORO Y MOI (energetic, romantic indie rock)
A Facebook-like social media site displays. Izzie flips through a photo album of her and Deb.
BACK TO SCENE
Izzie grins. Gazes at Deb warmly.
Deb frowns. Continues to stare at her phone, pointedly avoiding Izzie’s eyes.
MUSIC UP: “NEEDLE IN THE HAY” by ELLIOTT SMITH (somber, dark indie rock)
Deb scrolls on her phone.
Izzie smiles, ecstatic. The cheery Toro y Moi song resumes. Izzie smiles ecstatically.
Deb closes her eyes. The sad Elliott Smith song cuts in.
Suddenly, the two SONGS PLAY SIMULTANEOUSLY, a discordant mix of sad and happy. Izzie’s legs still rest on Deb’s lap.
DEB Hey, Iz?
The TORO Y MOI SONG CUTS OUT. ELLIOTT SMITH CONTINUES.
Izzie’s smile fades.
DEB (CONT’D) We need to talk.
51 INT. LIVING ROOM - IZZIE’S APARTMENT - DAY
Izzie sits on the Ikea couch alone. She literally wears her misery on her sleeve: stained sweats and ancient tennis shoes.
She eats a tub of hummus with a spoon.
TITLE: TWO WEEKS LATER
As she stares blankly into space, she overhears a conversation taking place in the kitchen.
DEB (O.S.) I can’t exactly kick her out.
REGAN (O.S.) What do you mean? She’s technically subletting. This is such codependent bullshit. It’s like strychnine in the lesbian community -- It’s why so many of us are single.
DEB (O.S.) Spare me the lecture, okay? Izzie isn’t -- she pays rent. Mostly.
INT. KITCHEN - IZZIE’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Deb stands next to REGAN, late 20s, who has witchy, earthy vibes. She notices Izzie standing in the doorway.
REGAN (guarded) Hi Izzie.
DEB You scared me.
Izzie smiles bright and false.
IZZIE I need more hummus.
She finds it in the fridge.
REGAN (to Deb) Did you pay for that, too?
Deb shakes her head, warning.
52 REGAN (CONT’D) Yum, looks tasty.
Izzie leaves.
INT. IZZIE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Izzie sits on that depressing little couch again and watches TV. She finishes off the TUB of hummus she’d been working on earlier -- she licks it clean. She places the empty tub on top of the couch cushion, then rolls off the sofa with a groan.
IZZIE (to herself) I’m dying.
She farts.
IZZIE (CONT’D) I’m dead.
POV SHOT: TV
A commercial segment for an upcoming news report plays.
NEWSCASTER Is your vacuum cleaner giving you cancer?
STOCK FOOTAGE of a vacuum cleaning plays.
NEWSCASTER (V.O.) Hear the shocking details tonight at 11.
BEGIN FANTASY SEQUENCE:
POV SHOT: TV
The camera slowly ZOOMS on the newscaster’s face.
NEWSCASTER Is the current political climate giving you cancer? Is your relationship giving you cancer? Are you giving yourself cancer?
BACK TO SCENE
53 Someone sharply KNOCKS on the door. Izzie jumps up.
DEB (O.S.) Got it!
IZZIE No, I got it.
They both rush to the
FRONT DOOR
DEB Wait, Iz --
Izzie opens it. Regan’s there, but so is TRISTA, mid 30s, future tiger mom.
Izzie ignores Regan and grabs Trista’s arm, pulls her inside as she shrieks.
TRISTA I’m here, I’m here!
REGAN Who’re you?
DEB Yeah... who are you?
Izzie opens her mouth wordlessly, turning to Trista for help.
Trista nods decisively, sizing her up -- this girl is a basket case.
TRISTA This is my best friend, Izzie.
DEB Really, I’ve never heard of you.
TRISTA That’s funny, I’ve never heard of you. Who are you, exactly?
DEB I’m Deb. Her...
54 Regan gives Deb a nasty look.
DEB (CONT’D) ...Deb.
Trista turns to Regan.
TRISTA And who the hell are you?
REGAN I’m Regan. Deb’s...
Deb gives Regan a nasty look.
REGAN (CONT’D) ...Regan.
TRISTA All right, then. I’m gonna go hang out with my best friend. ‘Cause she needs it.
Izzie nods, eyes full of tears.
TRISTA (CONT’D) Please do not bother us.
Trista guides Izzie into the living room.
INT. LIVING ROOM - JAMIE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Izzie watches TV with Trista. Trista looks bored out of her mind. Izzie has been crying.
KISSING SOUNDS, nearly pornographic, are audible from OFFSCREEN. Trista flinches with each disgusting smack and tiny moan.
TRISTA You don’t have your own room?
IZZIE I’ve been sleeping here since the break up.
55 TRISTA (sweet) Friend to friend, Izzie -- you have got to get out of this situation. You smell like chickpeas and sadness.
IZZIE I’m just happy she didn’t kick me out. Maybe we could --
Trista puts her arm around her shoulder.
TRISTA No, sweetie, you can’t.
IZZIE But what if she changes her --
TRISTA If she changes her mind, fuck her. She’s already got her tongue down a literal witch over there.
IZZIE You know, we were friends before we got together.
TRISTA Tell me.
IZZIE I moved back here with her after college. She’s from the area, you know.
Trista nods sympathetically.
IZZIE (CONT’D) I started working for her. We make websites. My friends are her friends.
She cries a little. Trista hugs Izzie tightly.
TRISTA You only have a limited time with me, Izzie. Unless you want to extend our time by two hours, but I’m guessing you don’t have the means right now for that --
Izzie shakes her head.
TRISTA (CONT’D) So I have one question -- do you want me to comfort you? Or do you want me to protect you?
56 IZZIE What’s the difference?
Trista doesn’t let go.
TRISTA There’s a huge difference, Isabela. Think about it.
Izzie takes a deep breath. Her face hardens.
IZZIE Protect me.
TRISTA Okay. Do I have permission to attack that fake witch, Regan? With my words, of course.
IZZIE Yes.
TRISTA So you trust me.
IZZIE Yes.
Trista squeezes her extra tight.
TRISTA Wow, you really smell like hummus. Come with me.
She pulls her up off the couch.
TRISTA (CONT’D) (straight-up yelling) Excuse me? Jen?
IZZIE (still whispering) It’s Deb.
TRISTA Get the fuck in here, Jen. COME HERE COME HERE COME HERE!
When these words have no effect, Trista stomps her foot.
57 TRISTA (CONT’D) You have been summoned, Deb. If I have to say your name again you shall know our wrath.
Izzie looks thrilled. Regan practically skips in.
REGAN Ooh, are you Wiccan too?
TRISTA Fuck off, muggle.
Regan frowns.
REGAN That’s... Harry Potter, not Wicca, you faker. This isn’t some kids’ series, it’s real magic.
TRISTA How dare you say that.
Deb storms in.
DEB What’s going on, Izzie?
Izzie stand up, too.
IZZIE We’re telling you off!
Trista takes a step towards Deb.
TRISTA Izzie is my best friend.
DEB Who are you???
TRISTA If you hurt her any more than you already have --
She turns to Regan, snaps her fingers in her direction.
58 TRISTA (CONT’D) -- and this goes for you, too, muggle -- then I will hurt you. If you get a restraining order, then I will pay someone to hurt you. Someone you know. Someone you don’t expect. Maybe it’ll be this goth bitch -- maybe I’ll hire her -- maybe I’ll tell her to slip some hemlock in your coffee -- I don’t know yet.
She takes another step.
TRISTA (CONT’D) Izzie has been my friend for twenty years, and we made a promise to each other, and I’ve come to collect on that promise, you understand me?
She grabs Deb by the shoulders.
TRISTA (CONT’D) You, my darling, have fucked up.
Deb backs away.
DEB (to Izzie) What’s going on?
Izzie regards her calmly.
IZZIE Deb, I think you should leave. Just for a few days while I figure stuff out.
Trista nods at her, encouraging.
IZZIE (CONT’D) I think you should both leave right now.
Deb mulls it over. Trista stares at her, unblinking.
DEB This is my place.
REGAN C’mon Deb, you can spend the night at my place.
DEB I expect you to be gone when I get back. I’ve had just about enough of you feeling sorry for yourself, Iz.
59 She looks Trista up and down. Regan bum rushes Trista.
REGAN Unlike you, I am a witch of lightness.
Trista just cackles in her face. She continues as they leave.
As soon as the door shuts, Izzie jumps up and down.
IZZIE I love you!
She looks horrified.
IZZIE (CONT’D) I didn’t mean that, I meant --
Trista bows.
TRISTA No worries. But just so you know, I’m very, very straight.
Izzie looks at her with puppy dog eyes.
IZZIE Do you want some hummus?
Trista grimaces.
TRISTA No, thank you.
IZZIE Who are you? Tell me everything about yourself? I like your shirt.
She grabs her shirt.
END OF PART TWO
60 Friends, Inc. Bible
Series Description
What if you could buy a friend? A pal who’ll comfort you at the beach where you used to take your dog who’s since passed away — or who’ll be there during a night of booze and debauchery that none of your
“real” friends condone because they’ve grown weary of your self-destructive patterns — or at a tense
Thanksgiving meal?
FRIENDS, INC. is an episodic dramedy about a small company in near-future San Francisco that exchanges its employees’ empathy for clients’ money. Each 11-minute episode will tackle themes of loneliness and connection in a world where automation and commodification reign.
At $200 an hour, the employees of Friends, Inc. proffer their friendship to whomever can afford it.
There are three rules: no sex, no lending money, and no violence.
Inspiration
FRIENDS, INC. takes its inspiration from real friend rental companies based in Japan, where the concept has taken off. Here’s an excerpt from an article in The Week about this new industry — and why one
“rental friend” believes a market exists in her country:
"We look like a rich country from the outside, but mentally we have problems," Maki says. She speaks slowly, methodically. "Japan is all about face. We don't know how to talk from the gut. We can't ask for help. So many people are alone with their problems, and stuck, and their hearts aren't touching.”
This is the world we live in. FRIENDS, INC. is a dark dramedy about people who are alone and stuck and whose hearts aren’t touching. What’s more relatable than that?
61 Series Format
Episodes will find comedy and tragedy in the honest, dishonest, raw, awkward, heartfelt interactions that result from this transaction. The series will combine the ultra-focused intimacy of shows like HIGH
MAINTENANCE and IN TREATMENT with the contemporary satire of SEARCH PARTY. Think of the episodes as shorts united by a common theme and characters.
Each episode will follow a Friend over a few hours or day on the job. As the series continues, we will learn more about Friends, Inc. employees — Tommy, Trista, Marjorie, and Parth — through their work with clients.
Some clients will recur, like Abby, a twenty-something who hires Marjorie as a grandma stand-in, or
Ricardo, a deeply insecure Telemundo star who hires Parth to stroke his vanity. These client-employee storylines will run the gamut from funny to surreal to sad.
Friends
TOMMY MILLER, 30
Tommy is Southern, gay, and incredibly handsome and charming. A reformed Christian, he’s still dealing with some internalized issues. He’s probably the most guarded of all the Friends, Inc. employees.
Tommy’s frequently put into positions that make him uncomfortable — in one episode, a straight couple uses him as a reason to break up — so he’s awesome at tamping his feelings down. It’s incredibly hard to tell whether he’s being genuine or disingenuous. Even Tommy has a hard time distinguishing the two.
TRISTA POTTS, 35
Trista is an overprotective mom in training — a take charge, powerful Friend with a candle collection and brass knuckles. She’s the kind of gal who’ll teach you how to strike a goddess pose and knows breathing
62 techniques, but also knows when to yell and scream the problem away.
PARTH BHIMANI, 32
Parth is probably the most evolved member of this crew. Pakistani-American, Parth lives at home with his parents. He longs for a more American style of independence, but he’s afraid to move forward with his life. He likes what he likes: gentle fights with his mom, video games, being a Friend and making enough to get by. Sweet-natured and level-headed, Parth is able to cleanly separate who he is around clients and who he is outside of work — or at least that’s what he tells himself.
MARJORIE HARDSTARK, 70s
Marjorie looks like a grandma — and can turn on a fairly convincing grandma act— but she’s hard-as-nails and worldly. A former biker, she looks great knitting, but she’ll call you on your bullshit.
She has a tawdry personal tale for every situation and a platitude for every client craving a maternal, grandmotherly influence.
Potential Episodes
“Rock Cakes”
A 12-year-old girl with a dreary home life takes over her mother’s Friends, Inc. account and summons
Parth. Parth considers leaving, but is chastened when he realizes that she just wants to bake rock cakes.
“Strychnine”
Trista helps a passive young woman caught in a lesbian psychodrama. After she calls out her ex, she and
63 her client are kicked out the apartment.
“Los Olivos”
Tommy joins an unstable housewife and her teenage children on a road trip to wine country. It gets
awkward when both the housewife and her teenage daughter make advances. Tommy has to decide
whether to report them and risk endangering his job - they threaten to report him - or to go along with
either of them. He finds an ally in the younger daughter, a teen who’s all about fucking over her selfish
mother and older sister.
“Straight”
A man requests Tommy to help him come out to his best friend, but Tommy soon realizes that his client is using him to break up with his longtime girlfriend. Tommy must decide between blowing his client’s cover or going along with his harebrained hetero scheme. It all comes to a head when the girlfriend blames
Tommy for her boyfriend’s choices.
“Ratchet Party”
Marjorie helps a lonely college student turn a study night into a rager. When she arrives at Bella’s
dorm, Bella anticipates a quiet night in with a grandma type, but Marjorie decides to help Bella
have her first kiss with the nerdy RA she’s crushing on. When the rager gets out of hand, Marjorie
uses her grandma persona to dissuade police from making arrests.
64 “The Unicorn”
Trista accepts extra pay to watch a couple have sex - a big no no in Friends, Inc. - but it gets weird when they repeatedly ask her back. She doesn’t mind until they want to pursue her as a romantic partner. She rejects them, and they start to blackmail her.
“Dumbbells”
A retired wrestler asks Parth to join him at a funeral for one of his friends. Initially, Parth believes he’s there as a practical joke - a skinny Pakistani guy in the midst of white, macho wrestlers - but he soon realizes that the wrestler is genuinely missing connection in his life. He becomes overly involved when the wrestler delves into his traumatic brain injury and its emotional fallout.
65