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CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY, NORTHRIDGE Two Half-Hour Television Pilots A graduate project submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements For the degree of Master of Fine Arts in Screenwriting By Laura Cox May 2017 Copyright by Laura Cox 2017 ii The graduate project of Laura Cox is approved: ______________________________________ ______________ Professor Dianah Wynter Date ______________________________________ _______________ Professor Jon Stahl Date ______________________________________ _______________ Professor Eric Edson, Chair Date California State University, Northridge iii Table of Contents Signature Page iii Abstract v Detective Cat Lady Pilot 1 Detective Cat Lady Bible 34 Friends, Inc. Pilot 40 Friends, Inc. Bible 61 iv Abstract Two Half-Hour Television Pilots By Laura Cox Master of Fine Arts in Screenwriting Detective Cat Lady is an animated half-hour comedy about a reclusive P.I. who’s bitten by a radioactive cat and then uses her abilities to battle wrongdoing. It’s Jessica Jones meets Bojack Horseman: a female-led superhero series with a satirical, absurdist twist. Detective Cat Lady flips the usual superhero mythos on its head. This show takes the stereotype of the “crazy cat lady” — ornery, unkempt, off-putting, depressive, agoraphobic — and transforms her into a hero. Ramona Tao, the titular Cat Lady, is all of these things. She’s a little schlubby, sure, but she’s also a bonafide hero. Friends, Inc. is an episodic dramedy about a small company in near-future San Francisco that exchanges its employees’ empathy for clients’ money. Each 11-minute episode will tackle themes of loneliness and connection in a world where automation and commodification reign. v Detective Cat Lady Pilot TEASER OVER BLACK: MOODY SUPERHERO MUSIC plays. Think The Dark Knight, but, like, moodier. A MALE VOICE -- one we’ll eventually know as MCNULTY’s -- comes in. It sounds like a bad Humphrey Bogart / film noir impression. MCNULTY (O.S.) She moved like a cat that knows exactly where the birds live. FADE IN: EXT. DOWNTOWN MINNEAPOLIS - NIGHT BUILDINGS tower. Snow blankets the sidewalks and streets. Iced-over puddles glint in the streetlights. Only one soul in sight: a HOMELESS WOMAN, 60s, huddled in a storefront. Her outstretched hands hold an open CAN OF CAT FOOD. HOMELESS WOMAN Patches? A LONE FIGURE in a hooded parka steps out from behind building. A scarf obscures most of her face. She’s RAMONA TAO (28), Vietnamese-American. The titular DETECTIVE CAT LADY. Her features are in shadow. She’s iconic. Worthy of this overbearing soundtrack. MCNULTY (O.S.) She was graceful, but feral. Something wild lived inside. Suddenly, she drops to all fours and crawls over to the woman on her hands and feet. Just like a cat. 1 HOMELESS WOMAN (relieved) Patches. The woman puts down the can of food. Ramona licks at it. MCNULTY (O.S.) She had a bat in her attic -- or was it the other way around? Was she the bat? And if she was the bat, what was the attic? The woman scratches Ramona’s head. MCNULTY (O.S.) (CONT’D) Wait, is society the attic? Ramona purrs, lazily weaving through her legs in a figure eight shape. The woman has to stand on her toes and widen her stance to accommodate Ramona. MCNULTY (O.S.) (CONT’D) (gravelly, intense) Metaphors are hard. Ramona sniffs the can one last time and then bounds away. The woman looks down at her hand. There’s a 50 DOLLAR BILL in it. HOMELESS WOMAN (breathless with wonder) Thank you, Patches. As the music CRESCENDOES, Ramona continues to RUN and LEAP down CITY STREETS. CAT-LIKE. END OF TEASER 2 ACT ONE INT. HARD TIMES CAFE - NIGHT A crusty all-night cafe in East Minneapolis, full of greasy-haired college students and other riffraff. Ramona sits with DAGNY SOLBERG (28), heavily tattooed, the excitable extrovert to Ramona’s navel-gazing grump. Despite her best efforts, she’s never been able to get rid of her Minnesota accent or Midwestern manners. RAMONA To six months back in Miserapolis. DAGNY To never leaving in the first place. They CLINK coffee mugs. Ramona drinks deeply as Dagny surveys the cafe, searching for a face. DAGNY (CONT’D) This is exhilarating. RAMONA It’s temporary. DAGNY Please. You love this shit. I remember when you used to track all of Mr. Werther’s absences because you thought he was the train track murderer. Ooh, does the perp have a code name? RAMONA (off the top of her head) Tom. DAGNY C’mon, have fun with it. What’s his real name? RAMONA Not Tom. DAGNY This guy’s cheating on his wife, right? Toms don’t do that shit. Tom Hanks is like the prince of dads. Tom Green survived testicular cancer. And Tom Arnold is... perfectly fine, as far as I know. 3 RAMONA Okay. Code Name “Bleached Asshole” just finished a game of Guess Who. Ten o’ clock. Dagny follows Ramona’s gaze to a TABLE where ZACH, 30s, sits across from a woman, ALICIA, 20s. Zach wears a fedora and a houndstooth blazer -- he’s got a lecherous visiting professor vibe. Dagny zeroes in on Alicia. DAGNY (whispering) That’s the side chick? Ramona SHUSHES her, takes an iPhone out of her pocket. RAMONA Code Name “Let’s Not Slut Shame The Poor Girl.” Alicia and Zach hug and kiss goodbye. Ramona discreetly takes a photo with the phone. EXT. HARD TIMES CAFE - NIGHT Ramona and Dagny emerge, fully bundled. They walk together down the street. DAGNY (means it) That was fun. Ramona compulsively licks her hand and smooths her hair back. RAMONA If you enjoy watching gross men kiss. A BLACK CAR passes them on the street. Ramona glances over. DAGNY But you’re helping people realize their partners are assholes. You’re like a -- RAMONA Angel of Death? 4 DAGNY Agent of change. RAMONA I guess. It’s... something. They walk in silence for a beat. DAGNY You know what else is fun? RAMONA Please don’t say high school reunions. Dagny grabs Ramona’s arm. DAGNY Please please please? Be my wingwoman. Ramona’s FINGERS CURL. Her nails turn into CLAWS. She quickly jams them in her pockets. RAMONA I’d rather kiss Bleached Asshole. DAGNY Jenny Sloan is gonna be there. Jenny Sloan, Ramona. RAMONA So? Send a message on Facebook like a normal person. DAGNY She’s a mechanic in St. Cloud now. I bet she’s gonna show up in a greasy old jumper -- sweat stains in all the right places -- RAMONA Ew. DAGNY Come with me. Dagny pinches Ramona’s cheek. DAGNY (CONT’D) Just...trust me. You might be surprised by how much you enjoy yourself, hm? 5 RAMONA Maybe. But I’m only going disguised as your soft butch lover. Something catches Ramona’s eye and she turns her head to the street -- QUICK CUTS: -- Ramona’s suddenly yellow EYES with GIANT, FELINE PUPILS. -- THAT SAME BLACK CAR THAT PASSED THEM EARLIER -- sans headlights -- slowing as it drives past again. BACK TO SCENE Ramona shakes her head and turns back to Dagny, eyes human again. RAMONA (CONT’D) Did you see that? DAGNY Huh? RAMONA Never mind. This is me. She indicates her PARKED CAR, which is full of trash and file folders. DAGNY This isn’t over, young lady. RAMONA Love you, Dags. Now get outta here. Ramona watches Dagny as she continues down the block, out of sight. She sniffs the air, eyes turning yellow again. RAMONA (CONT’D) (muttering) Pork rinds. She unlocks her car with a BEEP. 6 EXT. RAMONA’S HOUSE - NIGHT A modest, rundown house with a 1930s vibe. EXT. PORCH - RAMONA’S HOUSE - NIGHT JUDI DENCH sits on the porch, irritated. Judi is a white, fluffy cat -- 42 in cat years, British, appropriately named. Ramona exits her CAR in the driveway. JUDI DENCH You’re late. Ramona holds up a WHITE PHARMACY BAG and shakes it around. JUDI DENCH (CONT’D) I suppose you’re just going to shove more barbs down your throat, then? She unlocks her door to enter -- INT. RAMONA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT Ramona picks Judi Dench up in her arms. Judi HISSES, scrambles out. JUDI DENCH Naff off, you minge! Don’t distract me. She jumps to the floor, then follows a giggling Ramona down a HALLWAY RAMONA Naff off? Sometimes I wonder if you’re actually English or if you just watched a few Ab Fab reruns at the shelter. Judi scratches at Ramona’s ankle. RAMONA (CONT’D) Ow! 7 They enter the KITCHEN Ramona sits at a small table. She takes a BOTTLE OF PILLS out of the bag. The label says “SECOBARBITAL.” RAMONA (CONT’D) Someone’s following me, Judi Dench. Judi jumps up, knocks over the pill bottle. JUDI DENCH If you change the topic again, I’ll set up on your gob tonight. You’ll be deader than Princess Di. RAMONA I’m serious. JUDI DENCH So am I. You need to learn to control your felinity, not drown it in sleeping pills. RAMONA And what happens if someone sees my eyes or claws change? I’ll be taken away. You and McNulty and Rumpus go back to the pound. JUDI DENCH “Ne mettez pas votre coeur dans un transporteur d'animaux. Laissez votre Йme sauvage errer.” RAMONA “Don’t put your heart in an animal carrier. Let your wild soul roam?” Yuck. She takes one of her pills. JUDI DENCH One of my French lovers whispered it to me on the banks of the Seine. You’ve obviously never made love to a poet. RAMONA I fucked an English major sophomore year.

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