NEW VOICES

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WINNING ONE-ACTS BY YOUNG PLAYWRIGHTS

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New Voices: Winning One-Acts by Young Playwrights: Platform Nine © 2013 Rebecca Moretti; For (Sandwich) Lovers Only © 2013 Owen Stone; Hero's Journey © 2013 Celeste Barnaby; The Boys, The Bed, and The Balsa © 2012 Will Boersma; The Wheels Go Round and Round © 2011 Spencer Robelen; Seesaw © 2015 Rebecca Moretti; The Totally Life Changing Letter That Doesn't Really Matter © 2011 Marisa Kanai; Chiraptophobia © 2011 Hannah Estelle Sears; Sweetheart © 2013 Danny Rothschild. All rights reserved. ISBN 978-1-62088-407-2.

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Platform Nine by Rebecca Moretti 5 For (Sandwich) Lovers Only by Owen Stone 19 Hero's Journey by Celeste Barnaby 38 The Boys, The Bed, and The Balsa by Will Boersma 47 The Wheels Go Round and Round by Spencer Robelen 62 Seesaw by Rebecca Moretti 71 The Totally Life Changing Letter That Doesn't Really 78 Matter by Marisa Kanai Chiraptophobia by Hannah Estelle Sears 90 Sweetheart by Danny Rothschild 101

PLATFORM NINE

A one-act dramedy by Rebecca Moretti

CAST OF CHARACTERS

SONNY, 16-year-old boy. Strikingly good-looking, but not a pretty-boy. Street smart, sarcastic. Troublemaker with a natural charm. ADELIE, 15-year-old girl. Delicate features, expressive eyes. Very intellectual, well educated, a bit spoiled. Stubborn but extremely naïve.

SCENE

A dark, dirty train station in the middle of the country. A bench is in center stage.

TIME

Middle of the night, present.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

Originally produced in The Blank Theatre Young Playwrights Festival (Los Angeles, CA).

6 New Voices: Winning One-Acts by Young Playwrights

SCENE 1 (SONNY sits alone on the bench, thinking. An old guitar sits next to him. After a while, ADELIE walks in slowly with her bags and sits down against the wall furthest from him. He looks at her and she looks away. After a moment she sneaks a look at him, but when he turns to look she immediately looks away. He sets the guitar down against the wall, making room for her. Adelie pulls out a book and begins to read. After some time, he begins to whistle "White Christmas.") ADELIE: Would you mind? SONNY: Just trying to get into the holiday spirit. You're not much of a Christmas person, are you? (Adelie shoots him a dirty look, then turns back to her book.) Me neither. It's always seemed like a sort of scam to me. You know, all the commercials and the fake decorations to get people in the mood to go out and buy stuff. I mean, it's all about the presents, really. No one cares about the whole spiritual part of it. Not that I care about it, either. But it's sad that no one really cares about that part... Christmas really depresses me... I like the music, though. (He turns to look at Adelie, who doesn't respond.) Watcha reading? ADELIE: A book. SONNY: No kidding, what's it called? ADELIE: The Catcher in the Rye . SONNY: Any good? ADELIE: Yes. SONNY: The cover fell off. ADELIE: Yes. SONNY: What'd you do, play soccer with it? This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Platform Nine by Rebecca Moretti 7

ADELIE: No. SONNY: You must've read it a lot. ADELIE: Nine times. SONNY: That's a lot. I don't know if I've even read that many books. (Beat.) Why? ADELIE: (Annoyed:) What? SONNY: Why'd you read it so much? ADELIE: Because it's great. SONNY: Why? ADELIE: What? SONNY: Why is it great? I mean, what's it about? ADELIE: It's about a boy... (Awkward pause; she does not articulate.) SONNY: Interesting... ADELIE: He's searching. SONNY: Me too. You know, I lose things all over the place. By the time I start searching for 'em I don't even know what I'm lookin' for anymore. (He laughs.) ADELIE: This is different. SONNY: What's he lookin' for then? ADELIE: Something he can never find. SONNY: He's probably lookin' in all the wrong places. Just last week I lost fifty bucks I'd just made. I searched the whole stupid beach where I'd lost 'em and didn't see anything. The next day I was walkin' home I found a fifty caught under a trash bag. I mean, it probably wasn't the same fifty and all, but

This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 8 New Voices: Winning One-Acts by Young Playwrights still, I got it back somehow. I mean, I found it when I wasn't looking. ADELIE: Nice work. (Adelie turns back to her book while Sonny thinks of something to engage her.) SONNY: Ever had a fish? ADELIE: Fish? SONNY: Yeah, you know. (Does imitation of fish:) Ever had one? ADELIE: No. SONNY: Well, I had one when I was a kid. A little goldfish. My dad got it for me for my birthday. (Sonny looks at Adelie to see if she is listening and she turns away.) I don't know why, but I loved that fish. I'd watch him a lot you know, swim around his little glass bowl. He really seemed depressed all the time. I mean, he didn't ever really have a lot of energy or anything. (He looks at Adelie, who is reading her book.) And so one day, I decided I'd set him free. I knew I'd miss him and all, but I just couldn't stand him being holed up in that stupid bowl all the time. So I took him down to the beach one day, and walked into the water as far as I could, while still holding the bowl. Then I just tossed him in there and watched him swim around... Man, I can't remember a time since I've felt that happy—you know, watching him swim around free in the ocean... After a moment, though, I saw he wasn't swimming anymore. His little body was just floating there on the waves... (Short pause.)

This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Platform Nine by Rebecca Moretti 9

ADELIE: Why are you telling me this? SONNY: I dunno. Just trying to make conversation. We've got the whole night here—might as well not spend it lonely. ADELIE: I'm not lonely. SONNY: Oh, that's right. I forgot the book. ADELIE: That's not what I meant. SONNY: Oh, is there a magazine too? We've got enough friends here to throw a party! (Short pause.) I was right to let him go, though. I was right, wasn't I? (Beat.) ADELIE: (Finally looking at him:) Who are you? (Sonny shrugs.) No, I mean, why are you here? SONNY: Guess I'll just have to find out. (Laughs:) Who are you? ADELIE: (Hesitantly:) Adelie. SONNY: Adelie. That's a nice name. Is it French? ADELIE: Yes. My father is French. SONNY: Well, I'm Sonny. ADELIE: Sonny. SONNY: Yeah? ADELIE: Nothing. It's just I've never met someone named Sonny. SONNY: I've never met a French Adelie. I've met quite a few Japanese ones, but— (Adelie is not amused; awkward pause.) So, where ya headed?

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ADELIE: Los Angeles. (Sonny is silent.) What? SONNY: I live there. I mean, I lived there. Before I left, I guess. ADELIE: Why'd you leave? SONNY: Guess I couldn't take it anymore... And my mom kicked me out of the house. (Laughs:) Wanna see a picture? ADELIE: (Hesitant but curious:) Okay. (Sonny pats the spot next to him on the bench. Adelie slowly walks over and sits on the further side of the bench. Sonny scoots over a little to show her the photograph.) SONNY: We played all over the city. But mostly here. ADELIE: This is your band? SONNY: Yeah. Basically brothers. ADELIE: (Excited:) Is that Hollywood? SONNY: Yeah, I lived right off the corner of the boulevard. ADELIE: That's so cool. SONNY: (Seriously:) It's a dump. Don't ever go there, I'm telling you. It'll just disappoint you. I mean, if you want to see a load of tourists walking around taking pictures of a fat guy dressed like Spiderman, and Jesus walking barefoot down Sunset Boulevard, then I guess it's alright. But that's all there is really. And it's full of prostitutes and candy wrappers. Don't ever go, if you can help it. ADELIE: It seems so glamorous and all, in the movies. (There is a pause as Sonny thinks.) SONNY: You know, the best thing was late at night, when all the tourists cleared out and the sidewalks were empty. Around two, all that's left is the locals and the nutcases, and it This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Platform Nine by Rebecca Moretti 11

was all ours. We'd skate down the boulevard almost every night. It's great because it's basically flat, and the sidewalks are all lined with marble stars so it makes the ride pretty smooth. If you close your eyes for a moment...it's like flying. ADELIE: Over the stars. SONNY: Only the fake kind. ADELIE: Why'd you leave? SONNY: My mom didn't want me around anymore. ADELIE: Why? SONNY: Too much trouble. Guess I was kinda asking for it. ADELIE: What'd you do? SONNY: Oh, you know... (Pause; Sonny is hesitant to go into details.) Too much trouble. Plus I got kicked out of school on the last day. But I don't mind. I knew I wasn't coming back anyway. ADELIE: Why'd they kick you out? SONNY: Got in a fight with this kid. They told me I messed him up pretty bad. I hope I did. (Darkly:) He deserved it. Anyway, she threw me out. ADELIE: Oh. SONNY: I think it was meant to be. I had to get out of that place anyway. I just couldn't take it. ADELIE: What about your dad? SONNY: I don't have a dad. ADELIE: Everyone's got one. SONNY: That's not true. ADELIE: What happened? SONNY: He ran away.

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ADELIE: He just left? (Brief pause.) SONNY: Yeah. ADELIE: Do you miss him? (Beat. Sonny turns to look at her.) SONNY: How could I miss such a selfish coward? (He gets up and walks to the edge of the stage.) When's this train gonna get here anyway? (Long silence.) ADELIE: Where are you going now? (Sonny turns.) SONNY: (Lightening up:) New York, the greatest city in the world. ADELIE: It is wonderful. SONNY: I've never been there, but I just know that's where I'm meant to be. It's like, I lived there in a past life or something. I feel like it's home. ADELIE: I get that feeling sometimes. About people. SONNY: Yeah, like you meet someone and feel like you've known them forever. ADELIE: Yeah, exactly. (Beat.) SONNY: (Sitting back down:) Well why are you running to L.A. then? Don't tell me you want to be an actress. ADELIE: What's so wrong with being an actress? My mom is one. There in L.A. That's why I'm going there. To visit her. SONNY: Is she any good? At acting, I mean. Please don't say she's a waitress. This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Platform Nine by Rebecca Moretti 13

ADELIE: Actually, I don't know... I've never met her before. (Sonny looks at her, puzzled.) I've lived with my dad my whole life. Well, not exactly. He lives in Paris and I go to boarding school in Massachusetts. I only get to see him over breaks, and not even. He's always busy with work. SONNY: So your folks are divorced? ADELIE: They were never married. Basically, I was a mistake that happened over vacation in Europe. My mom wanted to end it, but my dad offered to keep me. As far as I know, he hasn't talked to her in fifteen years and doesn't want me to know anything about her. (Sonny listens, studying her closely.) I was supposed to spend this Christmas with him, as usual. But then I got this idea, that I'd leave and go find my mom. So I told him I was staying with a friend in Maine. I've always wanted to meet my mom, my whole life. And that's what I'm finally going to do. I'm finally going to meet her. SONNY: (Concerned:) Does your mother know about this? ADELIE: No. I couldn't tell her because I figured she'd try to stop me. But, I feel like once I see her face to face...she'll want me. SONNY: Do you know where she lives? ADELIE: Fifteen fifteen Ocean Front Walk, Venice Beach, California. Do you know Venice? SONNY: Yeah. ADELIE: (Eager:) How is it? SONNY: (Distracted:) It's all right. (Beat.) Are you sure you wanna do this? ADELIE: I need to meet my mom. This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 14 New Voices: Winning One-Acts by Young Playwrights

SONNY: But I mean, there must be a reason why she's been out of your life for so long. And still is. ADELIE: Yeah, my dad never wanted me to meet her. SONNY: Aren't you mad at her for not taking care of you? ADELIE: I was, before. But I can forgive her when she tells me she's sorry. SONNY: You don't— ADELIE: I'm starving. Do you think anything will be open now? SONNY: At four in the morning, I doubt it. ADELIE: When do you think the first train will come, anyway? SONNY: Not for another hour at least. Here, have some chocolate. (He pulls out a chocolate bar.) ADELIE: It's fine—I'll just get something on the train in the morning. SONNY: Just take it. ADELIE: Really— SONNY: Please. ADELIE: Thanks. (She takes it and begins to eat.) So what are you thinking of doing once you get to the city? SONNY: I dunno. Play guitar, make some cash. I guess I'll just see when I get there. ADELIE: Are you scared? (Beat.) SONNY: A little. You? This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Platform Nine by Rebecca Moretti 15

(Adelie doesn't respond.) I don't think she deserves you. ADELIE: Who? SONNY: Your mom. If she didn't want you in the first place, I don't think she deserves your forgiveness. ADELIE: It wasn't her fault. She couldn't handle a kid then. It's different now, she'll want me back. SONNY: Maybe. Maybe she will want you back. But what difference does that make when she's abandoned you your whole life? Why would you ever want to meet this lady? ADELIE: Because she's my mother! SONNY: Listen—you don't know what you're doing. This will only hurt you more. ADELIE: She'll want me back. SONNY: What if she doesn't? What if she's happy living her sad little life and doesn't want a kid popping out of nowhere and messing that up for her? ADELIE: (Gets up, screaming:) Shut up! SONNY: (Getting up:) What if she's messed up in every way and your dad was right for not wanting you to meet her?! (Adelie slaps him, then begins to sob. Adelie grabs her bags.) Where are you going? ADELIE: I'll wait for this train on the street if I have to! SONNY: I wouldn't do that. There're plenty of creeps out there just waiting for a stupid little girl to show up in the middle of the night. Plus it's cold. And dark. And wet. ADELIE: Anything is better than being stuck here with you. (She storms offstage. Sonny walks over to keep an eye on her. THUNDER SOUNDS, SOUNDS of RAIN.) This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 16 New Voices: Winning One-Acts by Young Playwrights

(Sonny runs back to the bench as if he'd been sitting there the whole time. Adelie walks back in slowly.) SONNY: Shoulda packed an umbrella, 'stead of all those books. (Adelie scowls, walks over to the wall, and uses her bag as a pillow, curling up in a ball. Sonny lies down on the bench, placing his hands under his head.) You know, I've been thinking a little. About what happens after you die. Frankly, I don't believe in the whole heaven and hell thing. I mean, I think it's pretty important to focus on the present, right? It seems stupid to do good things only so you can get to heaven, real superficial. And what is heaven anyway? What do you do when you get there? It seems pretty boring to me. Not much to do, people walking around with big, saintly smiles on their faces. A whole lot of light, maybe some jazz. I don't know, it doesn't convince me. And I don't like the idea that you just die and that's that, like bam, it's over. I'm starting to think I'd do better to not even think about the whole— ADELIE: Will you shut up? SONNY: So, I'll just wake you up when the train's here? Train for New York is the first one out, so you might even wake up and find me gone. ADELIE: A tragedy. SONNY: So, I'll just let you sleep in the morning? (Long silence. Adelie falls asleep while Sonny sits and thinks. THUNDER SOUNDS. Adelie wakes with a start.) It's just thunder. (Adelie tries to sleep again; long silence.) Listen—I'm sorry about what I said... She's probably nothing like my mom. This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Platform Nine by Rebecca Moretti 17

(Longest silence in the play. Sonny has given up at this point; he sits staring down at the floor. Adelie seems to be asleep or unresponsive. Silence.) ADELIE: I like the idea of reincarnation. SONNY: Huh? ADELIE: After you die your body rots and all but your soul leaves and is born into a new body. It'll grow up to be a completely different person, because of different circumstances in its life, but the pure soul will remain unchanged. I wonder how many lives I've lived. I wonder if I've ever been an animal, or a tree. SONNY: Trees don't have souls. ADELIE: You don't know that... Isn't it nice thinking you have another life lined up, and that your soul won't just disappear like your body? Maybe that's why we feel so connected to some things...because we knew them in another life. (Beat.) SONNY: Maybe. (Pause.) ADELIE : (Sitting up :) You know, I've been planning to do this for a long time. I just never really had the courage... But I know I've got to do it. (Beat.) It's like, I've never been able to love anyone, not really. And I feel like once I meet her, that's all going to change. SONNY: It's better that way. ADELIE: What do you mean? SONNY: Not loving anybody. Not caring about people... That way it never hurts. ADELIE: Yes it does. It hurts now. SONNY: I know. This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 18 New Voices: Winning One-Acts by Young Playwrights

(Beat.) ADELIE: Maybe you just have a problem with trust— SONNY: I don't have a problem. It's people that's the problem. ADELIE: People? SONNY: (Getting up to walk around:) They always leave. It's like you meet someone, right? And you build a relationship with them. You get to know them, and they get to know you. Hey, maybe you'll even get to love them. I mean you'll get so attached to them, that they'll become like a part of you. But what's the point? I mean, what's the point if they always end up leaving? One day they'll end up disappointing you. One way or the other, they always disappoint you. ADELIE: Do you really believe that? SONNY: (Turning to look at her:) No. I know it. (Pause.) ADELIE: I hope someday you'll realize you're wrong. (Brief silence.) Do you want to see a picture of my mother?

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FOR (SANDWICH) LOVERS ONLY

A one-act comedy by Owen Stone

CAST OF CHARACTERS

IAN, very average, 16-year-old high school kid. Works in a sandwich shop owned by his parents. He has never had a girlfriend. TANNER, Ian's best friend. He and Ian have a very good friendship, and Tanner would do anything for Ian. JESS, 16-year-old girl who is both cool and strong. She has a rough home life and has been hurt several times in past relationships. MOM, Ian's mom. Supportive, annoying, and loving. DAD, Ian's dad. Strange, quirky father. MOM 2, Jess's mom. Loving, but she is not as emotionally supportive. DAD 2, Jess's dad. Has a temper, and it is clear that he makes the household a difficult place to be in, although he loves Jess. HIPSTER FAIRIES, wearing black punk rock clothing and tiny black wings. They are meant to be Ian and Jess's audience. JOCKS/ZOMBIES, jocks that throughout the course of the show become more and more like zombies until they are fully transformed. They represent all the seemingly impossible to overcome obstacles in Ian's life. They only speak in grunts.

PRODUCTION NOTES

Paramore was the band referenced in the original production of the play and used for transition music. Feel free to change the band to whatever is in the best interest of your production. The usage of a live band would also be an exciting addition to the play. Also, feel free to use area staging or suggested settings and not to clear the set exactly as noted in the original stage directions as per your needs. For (Sandwich) Lovers Only by Owen Stone 21

SCENE 1: THE SANDWICH SHOP (Spotlight. IAN stands alone.) IAN: Girls. It stands to reason that they are probably mutated from some form of evil located beyond the outer reaches of this galaxy. And when one of us guys encounters this creature, well the "outcome does not look good" as Mr. Magic 8 Ball would say. I've been insignificant all my life. I could walk through the entire school without being noticed once. At least the nerdy kids get bullied, but it's like I don't even exist. This is the point in my life where things start to change. This is the point in my life where, to someone, I will become more than a thing to be easily ignored and forgotten. This is where I meet a girl. (FAIRIES rush in dancing to Paramore music to set sandwich shop. The JOCKS bring their own table and chairs and sit. They already have food and are making a mess. As the Fairies leave the stage, Ian is left behind the counter. TANNER has entered and stands at the counter eating a sandwich.) TANNER: Mmmm...god you're good! I don't know how you do it, but every time I eat a sandwich of yours, it's like my taste buds are sitting front row at a White Stripes concert. (A Jock grunts as he throws his trash on the ground. Tanner is annoyed but has seen this before. Ian cleans it up) IAN: Well I hope you enjoy them. You know my parents could have had the cash to put me in college by now if we didn't give you free sandwiches every time you come in here. TANNER: Come on, I offer you priceless advice when I'm here. A sandwich is a small price to pay for my wisdom. IAN: What wisdom? When have you ever given me good advice? TANNER: You never listen to my advice! That's why stuff

This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 22 New Voices: Winning One-Acts by Young Playwrights never works out for you. Remember what I told you last week? IAN: Always erase your internet history? TANNER: No dude. I told you if you want to get a girlfriend, you need to stop being such a coward and just ask someone out. Anyone! A complete stranger! I bet if you actually took a chance for once, something mind-blowingly amazing could happen. But you don't have enough meatballs in your meatball sub, do you? IAN: Well, my meatball sub is a little more particular about what kind of sauce it wants. It's gotta be just the right stuff. TANNER: If your meatball sub doesn't hurry up, it's gonna expire and get tossed out in the back. IAN: I could ask someone out if I wanted to. I just haven't met a girl who interests me. TANNER: That is total bull. You know what? I dare you to ask out the next hot girl you see; the next one that walks in here. Cuz I don't think you can do it. IAN: Pfff, that's easy. I'll just call up your mom right now and ask her. TANNER: Dude, totally uncalled for! I am trying to help you. IAN: Yeah, well I don't need your help, because today is my day, I know it. TANNER: You've said that a million times, and look where you are: Sixteen and you've never had a girlfriend. It's time! You've got to step up to the plate and be a man! Or you're gonna die unhappy and alone. IAN: Dude, you don't have to get all dark on me. I get it. I'm gonna do it okay? Today. I'm gonna ask someone today.

This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. For (Sandwich) Lovers Only by Owen Stone 23

TANNER: You better, cuz I don't know how much more of this I can take. Okay, I'm out dude. (He starts to exit as JESS walks in. As she heads to the counter, Tanner motions at Jess and Ian motions for him to leave. Tanner shouts back:) We're still on for zombies this weekend, right? IAN: Yeah I'll be there. (Tanner exits.) JESS: (Approaching the counter:) Zombies? IAN: (Trying to sound cool:) Yeah, it's this video game where you're locked in a house and you have to defend yourself against a massive zombie attack. I don't know, it's stupid, whatever. JESS: Yeah... IAN: So I've never seen you in here before. JESS: Well I was starting to get sick of the Subway down the street, so I decided to try you guys out. IAN: Yup, that's basically our business plan. To just be the place that people go to when they get sick of Subway. My parents own the place. JESS: So what's good here? IAN: Well I think the meatball sub is sick, but if you're feeling risky, I would go with the spicy teriyaki sub. JESS: Yeah, sure I'll do that. IAN: Warning, it's hot... (To himself:) Like that body. JESS: Excuse me? What did you just say? IAN: (Snaps out of his act. Realizes:) I honestly have no idea. Please forgive me—I was trying to act cool. But I came off

This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 24 New Voices: Winning One-Acts by Young Playwrights more... JESS: Like a tool? IAN: Like a tool. JESS: Yeah, I mean jeez I don't even know you. If that's something you say to complete strangers... IAN: No, no, not at all—I was just ugh...could we start over? JESS: How about you just focus on making my sandwich? IAN: Listen, that isn't me. Just please don't base your first impression of me off that statement. JESS: Just stop talking. My "first impression" of you is beyond repair. IAN: Okay. JESS: Thank you. (Ian begins to make Jess's sandwich.) IAN: (Noticing Jess's shirt:) Paramore, I love that band. JESS: What did I just say? IAN: I know, I just wanted to say I love that band. JESS: I do too. They're playing a show here this weekend but I couldn't get tickets. (Trying to be overly Goth to freak Ian out:) Just another chapter in the saga of my despair and depression. IAN: Right, right, yeah that does suck. (Ian wraps up her sandwich.) Okay, that'll be four dollars and fifty cents. JESS: Here you go. (She hands Ian money.) IAN: Thank you, come again. JESS: Yeah, right.

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(As Ian is about to exit, a Jock gets up and trips him. Ian doubts. The Fairies strike the sandwich shop.)

SCENE 2: OUTSIDE THE SHOP (Jess crosses the stage as Ian closes up shop. As he walks offstage, they run into each other. In this scene, the Jocks/Zombies stand behind Jess, intimidating Ian whenever she says something mean, and the Fairies stand behind Ian cheering him on when he succeeds.) IAN: Hey, it's you. JESS: Great, you again. IAN: I never got your name. I'm Ian. JESS: Jess. IAN: Nice to meet you, Jess. So how'd you like that sandwich? JESS: Well, my server was a little creepy and made perverted comments to me, but the sandwich was actually not bad. IAN: Oh come on, I said one thing. And it was kind of a compliment anyways. But I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I guess I was trying to impress you and I got carried away. JESS: That's not how you impress a girl. You have to be charming, not freaky. IAN: Exactly, and now I know that. So could we please just forget what I said? JESS: Fine, but that's only because I'm never gonna be able to eat at Subway again after that sandwich you made me. IAN: So you'll be coming back? JESS: I guess so. IAN: Sweet, I look forward to it. Making you more

This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 26 New Voices: Winning One-Acts by Young Playwrights sandwiches that is. Not seeing you. Just the sandwiches. JESS: Yeah...okay, well I'm gonna let you get that foot out of your mouth now. Bye. (Jess continues to exit.) IAN: Wait. (Jess stops.) Do you want to maybe go out sometime? JESS: What? Are you mental? You honestly think I'll go out with you? IAN: You said we were starting over. JESS: That doesn't mean you're suddenly my dream guy! IAN: Well why not? JESS: Because you're...because I don't know you. IAN: Well you could get to know me. JESS: Yeah, I don't think that's a possibility. Goodbye. (She exits. Ian, defeated, is carried off by the Jocks/Zombies like he just scored the winning touchdown.)

SCENE 3: TANNER'S LIVING ROOM (Ian and Tanner are sitting, playing video games, facing out. Beside them is a small table with a radio. Tanner sips on a fast food soda. Two Fairies stand behind the couch/bean bag and share a popcorn, enjoying both the game and Ian and Tanner. We hear shooting and dying SOUND EFFECTS.) TANNER: No, no, no! What you have to do is get the power up and then shoot the zombie with the ray gun. IAN: Isn't that what I did? TANNER: If you had done that, then you wouldn't be getting

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chomped down by a crowd of 30 zombies right now. IAN: Whatever dude, I told you I suck at this game. TANNER: Yeah, you do suck. You know, I know people that are a million times better at this game than you. And they could be over right now. But instead I decided to hang out with you. IAN: Well aren't you a sweetheart. TANNER: Actually I am, and I don't think you appreciate me enough. IAN: Tanner, I appreciate you. TANNER: Do you? IAN: Yes I do. Even though your advice sucks. (GAME OVER SOUND EFFECT. They set their controllers down.) TANNER: What advice? IAN: That girl in the sandwich shop? She came in as you were leaving. I asked her out. TANNER: Yeah, okay. And I just got back from a month-long love fest with Emma Stone. IAN: I speak the truth and nothing but the truth. TANNER: Well what did she say? What did you say? IAN: Well, I compared her to a spicy teriyaki sub. TANNER: Okay, I don't know what that means, but it doesn't sound good. IAN: I wish I didn't say anything. I could've had a chance with her if I had just shut up. TANNER: So, well then what? Then you just asked her out?

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IAN: I saw her as I was walking home, got her to forgive the teriyaki thing, with some smooth talking. Then, I don't know, I thought maybe she would say yes to a date. But she uh, didn't. TANNER: Ugh, you are so hopeless. What are you gonna do? You suck at video games, and you really suck at talking to girls. You've got nothing. IAN: Hey man, I'm not giving up yet. I think this could still work out. Somehow I just need to convince her that I'm her soulmate... (Melodramatic:) her sunrise and sunset, the gravity that holds her to this earth, the oxygen that— TANNER: Aw, dude, that kid zombie is using your large intestine as a jump rope. Sweet! IAN: (Solemnly:) That's sick, man. (He turns radio up.) RADIO ANNOUNCER: Okay, we're gonna give away our last two tickets to go see Paramore this weekend. The number is 555-456-2974—start calling now. (Ian takes Tanner's drink and writes down the number on it.) If you want these tickets, you've gotta come on air and convince me that you need them more than anyone else. IAN: Dude! Tanner! The shirt, with the girl, and the band. TANNER: What? IAN: The girl, I pretended I knew the band, I don't, she does, there's a concert... TANNER: Are you having a seizure dude? You aren't making any sense. IAN: If you value our friendship in the slightest bit you'll shut up and start calling. I need those tickets! (Both boys pull out their cell phones and begin dialing. They stay

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there as the Fairies strike the scene. A Fairy comes and grabs Tanner's drink, sipping on it while running away.)

SCENE 4: IAN'S IMAGINATION (Ian stands, painting a canvas on an easel. Jess sits on a stool, dressed in white. A Fairy sits by Ian holding his palate, while a Fairy is fanning Jess on her stool.) IAN: You look absolutely gorgeous. JESS: Ugh. IAN: What? What's wrong? JESS: Well, you're objectifying me. Already. And this isn't even real. I mean, you've got me up on this stool like a trophy on a pedestal. And you're doing a pretty little picture of me. If you want to get with this you're gonna have to try a little harder than just telling me I'm good looking. What? Did you think just because this is your dream everything is gonna go your way? Nope, I don't work like that sorry. IAN: No I didn't think that at all. I was just, I don't know. This is all my subconscious. I didn't come up with this painting thing. I mean, I don't even know how to paint (Fairy stands up and yanks paint brush from Ian's hand, taking the easel offstage while the other Fairy closes the fan and leaves. Another Fairy pulls easel off.) JESS: Well your subconscious is an idiot. I bet you thought that I was gonna walk over in my cute little outfit and make out with you, huh? I bet you'd like that. IAN: I definitely would like that. JESS: Well that sucks, doesn't it? Because that's not gonna happen. IAN: What could I do? I could get you flowers? Chocolate?

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Write you a poem? (As he says this, a Fairy pops out with a bouquet, then one with a box of chocolates, then a third with a scroll, prepared to recite.) JESS: Flowers and chocolate are a pointless cliché, and we both know you're not a writer. (The three Fairies exit, crushed.) IAN: Then what should I do? JESS: Let's see...I'm probably the coolest person you know, right? IAN: Oh yeah by far. JESS: Okay, and you're probably the opposite of that for me. So I think you should probably just give up. IAN: Come on, I could be this brilliant amazing person and you wouldn't even know. JESS: In what world? IAN: This one! Earth. I could be your man and we could be perfect for each other. And you want to just miss out on all of that? (During this monologue, a Jock/Zombie is sneaking up behind Ian.) JESS: Listen, you're a sweet kid. But there is nothing here for you. I may be just the dream version of Jess but I know what I'm talking about. She will never fall for you. You should just give up. Really, you should give up. Give up! Give up!!! (As the Jock/Zombie pounces:) Wake up!!!! (Lights out. This marks the only time there will be a shift in the dark. An ALARM CLOCK is heard.)

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SCENE 5: IAN'S KITCHEN (Ian's MOM and DAD sit at a kitchen table, eating paninis. Ian enters. Having just woken up, he is dressed in pajamas. He walks to the table and looks at his plate) IAN: What's this? MOM: It's a panini. DAD: We're trying them out for the store. IAN: Listen, I don't know how many times I've said this. But do you guys know how often I have to eat your sandwiches? I don't wanna hear the whole "We are a sandwich family" talk. I get it. We are a sandwich family. But does that mean that I have to eat paninis and foot-longs and clubs for every meal of the day? I mean, could I get a break once in a while and get some eggs? Cereal? I'm trying to grow up, you know, mature. I could use a bit of change in my life right now. (Ian sits down, still angry, and takes a bite of the panini. His parents lean into him.) It's not bad. MOM: They're the new craze apparently. DAD: We put them in the store and they are gonna sell like hot cakes. IAN: Pancakes! Why can't we have pancakes for breakfast? MOM: Son, I know that you may not think so, but one day you're gonna look back on this little sandwich shop fondly. DAD: You said you're wanting to grow up, huh? Well, I'm gonna tell you a story. When I started this restaurant I had my own way of doing things. I had these weird and strange creations, with anchovies and soy sauce and bologna. I thought that everyone would love them. But I soon learned that the world wasn't ready for my sandwiches. So I learned to

This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 32 New Voices: Winning One-Acts by Young Playwrights make the best beef sandwich in town. I stuck to the classics. Every now and then I sprinkle in a little bit of my own flavor, just enough for them to get a taste. IAN: Dad, what are you even talking about? DAD: You've got to respect the world before they can respect your creations. IAN: Umm, yeah. Thanks, Dad. Okay guys, thanks for breakfast. I've gotta go get ready for school. Love you guys. DAD & MOM: Love ya. MOM: Wait—take your lunch! (Hands Ian a paper bag. Ian opens the bag to see what's inside. Ian rolls his eyes and sighs before exiting.) DAD: (To Mom:) You got what I was saying, right honey? MOM: (She hasn't a clue:) Yes, dear.

SCENE 6: SCHOOL HALLWAY (Jess enters as Fairies clear the kitchen while snacking on leftover paninis. She is carrying books and bumps into a Fairy, causing her to trip and spill her books as Ian walks in.) IAN: Hey Jess, you need some help? JESS: No, I'm okay. IAN: I think you need some help. Here. (He helps her pick up her things as the BELL RINGS.) JESS: Ugh! I'm late! He said if I was late again he was gonna dock my grade. IAN: Who do you have? JESS: Mr. Redman. IAN: Oh, him? Listen—that guy is an obsessive cat lover. He's

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got like eight cats. Just tell him you found a stray on your way to school and you had to drop it off at the shelter. JESS: And that'll work? IAN: Yeah definitely. Hey...are you okay? JESS: What does it look like? IAN: Well, it doesn't look good. What's going on? JESS: You really care? IAN: How could anyone not care about you? What's wrong? JESS: Just some family problems. It'll be okay. It always is. IAN: How about you let me take you out this weekend? You can get out of the house. We could talk then. JESS: You don't ever give up do you? IAN: Well, I've never wanted something this much. JESS: Fine. IAN: Wait, seriously? Like you're not just screwing around? JESS: Wipe that stupid grin off your face. IAN: Oh, it's gone. I'll never smile again. JESS: Whatever, I gotta get to class. IAN: Wait—I made you something. JESS: (Sarcastically:) Great. IAN: Here. (He pulls a heart-shaped sandwich out of his backpack and hands it to her.) JESS: Okay, I'm already regretting saying yes to you. You're like a sandwich stalker. (He takes the sandwich out of Jess's hand and tosses it off.)

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IAN: Sandwich? What sandwich? JOCK/ZOMBIE: (Off:) UGH! JESS: That's better. Well I guess I'll see you later? IAN: Yeah, I'll see you later. Bye. (Jess exits. Ian's grin returns as he turns to the audience. He does a happy dance.) YES!!! (The Jock/Zombie walks onstage with the sandwich, laughs at Ian, then throws the sandwich at him.)

SCENE 7: IAN'S BATHROOM (A Fairy rolls a sink onstage. It is imagined that there is a mirror, and the Fairy starts looking into this mirror, enjoying her reflection, while another Fairy comes and drags her off. Ian and Tanner walk to the bathroom sink, looking into the mirror as Ian's fixing his hair.) TANNER: Okay. Here we go. This is it man. Jeez, why am I nervous? It's not like I'm on a fast moving train, with no brakes, heading for a nuclear power plant. I wish you could've gotten this out of the way a few years ago like a normal person. Here, brush your teeth. (He hands Ian a toothbrush, and Ian begins brushing.) Now spit. (Ian spits in the sink.) Okay, what else? Hair, teeth...pits! Gotta remember the pits. (He pulls out spray deodorant and sprays an excessive amount under Ian's arms. As Ian inhales the fumes, he starts coughing.) IAN: Dude, can you stop this? No matter how much you do to make me look good, she's still not gonna be glad to see me.

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TANNER: Would you shut up? Do you know how often I hear you complain about not having a girlfriend and not being good enough? Well this is your chance. You've gotta stop doubting yourself. This girl definitely doesn't want you thinking you're not good enough. She's let you advance this far: that means she likes you. Now if you can just shut up tonight, you'll be fine. IAN: (Picks his tie off the counter:) What could she possibly want with me? She's pretty, she's smart, she's cool. I mean the only reason she agreed to this date was because she was having family problems or something. TANNER: Either way dude, you've gotten this far. (Ian puts the tie around his neck and starts fidgeting with it.) You've got a date. She at least has some interest in you—now you just gotta build on that. IAN: How do I do that? TANNER: (Takes over with the tie:) I know this sounds like a stupid concept, or something your mom would say. But you gotta be yourself. You've seen those romantic comedies where the guy tries to be all cool to impress the girl? She pulls into the gas station he works at. He tricks her into believing he doesn't work there, that he's super rich and actually owns the BMW he's working on. IAN: ...And the only reason he has grease on him is because he just got done saving a family and their dog from a burning vehicle? TANNER: Yeah, all he has to do is say, "sorry, there must be some misunderstanding" but no, he lets her believe it. And then halfway through the film the girl finds out who this guy actually is and she gets all mad at him for lying to her and she says that he should've just been honest in the first place. It

This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 36 New Voices: Winning One-Acts by Young Playwrights happens every single time! I mean haven't the characters in romantic comedies ever actually seen a romantic comedy? I say you skip all of those stupid antics and just be yourself. Learn from all of those dumb movies. IAN: Come on man, we both know that she's way out of my league. TANNER: Ian, there are no leagues! (A Jock/Zombie appears with his arm around a Fairy.) The idea of leagues is just a lie designed by muscle-headed jocks to oppress guys like us. They put us in a category, a lowly, awkward, unattractive category, and then we stay there believing that that's all we're worth. If you believe that she is out of your league, then she is. She is way out of your league. But if you stop thinking about all of that, you can get this girl. You can be her man. Now come on, you're gonna be late. (Tanner pulls Ian away as Fairies clear the bathroom and set the car. Ian's parents enter and sit in the car.)

SCENE 8: THE CAR (The Jock/Zombie and Fairy couple stand in front of the door intimidating Ian. Ian gets ready to knock on Jess's door but turns around and begins to walk off. Tanner appears, walks on, and slaps Ian across the face and points to Jess's house. The Fairy grabs the Jock/Zombie's hand and leads him off. Ian knocks on the door. Tanner, satisfied, exits. Jess enters rushed and anxious.) JESS: Hey there. (In response to his dressiness:) Wow, you look...nice. IAN: Thanks, you look very lovely. JESS: So where are we going tonight?

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HERO'S JOURNEY

A short comedy by Celeste Barnaby

CAST OF CHARACTERS

THEOS, the archetypal young hero. He is clad in diamond armor and carries a sword and shield. HAROLDICUS, the mentor. He wears a toga and has a large, white beard. LORD BADIAS, a lord of evil who lives in the cave. He has hideous green skin and wears armor with a long, treacherous cape. CHLOE, daughter of Lord Badias. She is about the same age as Theos and, luckily, did not inherit the green skin. She stays in her room most of the time. Hero's Journey by Celeste Barnaby 39

(Lights up on a dark cave with a golden pedestal in the center. On the pedestal is a velvet pillow carrying a small amulet. THEOS enters stage right, running and carrying his sword and shield. He stops and drops his shield, surprised and relieved, when he sees the amulet. He returns his sword to its sheath, kneels down on one knee and removes his helmet.) THEOS: Through all the trials I have faced, all the evildoers I have vanquished, I have finally found the amulet of power that shall restore balance to the— HAROLDICUS: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what do you think you're doing! THEOS: (Surprised, rising:) Haroldicus! I haven't seen you since I departed from the village! What are you doing here? HAROLDICUS: You can't take that amulet until you finish your journey. THEOS: (Confused:) But…I have journeyed hundreds of miles, fought throngs of enemies— HAROLDICUS: No, no, no. Your hero's journey. (Haroldicus waits for a response, but Theos still looks confused; he clearly has no idea what that is.) You know...the fundamental structure of the hero's narrative...it has seventeen steps...Joseph Campbell wrote about it... THEOS: I'm sorry, but I do not understand. HAROLDICUS: The point is, you've skipped several vital steps in your emotional development, and you don't get your ultimate boon until you fulfill every stage of the journey. THEOS: (Slightly irritated and disgruntled:) But it's literally right here, can't I just... (He reaches for the amulet.)

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HAROLDICUS: NO! (He slaps Theos' hand away, Theos becomes visibly upset.) You need to complete the journey or you won't be emotionally and spiritually fulfilled! Now, I'm keeping this until you finish. (He tucks the amulet in his toga.) THEOS: Ow! Wha—how did you even get here? This a 5000- foot mountain surrounded by fire and wolfbears! HAROLDICUS: Are you ready to complete your journey or not? THEOS: Oh my Zeus, this is ridiculous. I'm just going to find a different all-powerful amulet. (He starts walking towards the exit, and as he is about to leave, LORD BADIAS enters, causing Theos to stagger backwards and draw his sword.) Aha! Back to the shadows from whence you came, treacherous Lord Badias! LORD BADIAS: (Putting his hands up, to signify that he is defenseless:) It's cool, it's cool! I'm just here to help with your hero's journey. THEOS: Wait, what? Why? Aren't you evil? LORD BADIAS: Well, yeah, but I'm invested in your quest and I want you to become a fully developed protagonist. Oh, I just hate it when people save the world without reaching enlightenment! HAROLDICUS: I know! Isn't it frustrating? THEOS: Is this really happening? LORD BADIAS: Come on, Theos, I promise you it will be worth your while.

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THEOS: How can I trust you? You're carrying a massive sword! LORD BADIAS: (Flattered:) Oh, well, it's not that big. (Theos is unamused.) And look, if it makes you feel better, I'll put the sword down. (He removes his scabbard and places it on the ground.) HAROLDICUS: See, Theos, he's completely harmless. LORD BADIAS: Completely. THEOS: Ok, fine! I'll do it. I'll do the stupid journey. HAROLDICUS: Excellent! All right, let's see what steps you have left to do. ( Drawing a pencil and crumpled up piece of paper from his toga:) Ok, let's see. Call to adventure, you did that. Refusal of call, yes, you were very stubborn. Supernatural aid...hehe, that's me. Crossing the threshold, belly of whale, check, check. Have you passed a road of trials? THEOS: I fought off wolfbears while climbing a fire mountain, so, yeah, I'd say there were some trials. HAROLDICUS: A simple "yes" would do; there's no need to be rude. All right, so you still have four steps before you get your ultimate boon. (Theos sighs heavily.) LORD BADIAS: Well, Haroldicus, what's the first step? HAROLDICUS: That would be the meeting with the goddess. You need to experience an all-powerful, unconditional love by finding the person you love most completely. THEOS: How am I supposed to do that? HAROLDICUS: I suppose you need to find a girl with whom you can...relate...and such.

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LORD BADIAS: Oh boy, do I have just the girl for you! (Shouting to the other side of the cave:) Oh, Chloe! (CHLOE enters, eating a bag of potato chips. She appears very disheveled and apathetic.) CHLOE: What's up? LORD BADIAS: Theos, this is my daughter, Chloe. CHLOE: Sup, bro. THEOS: Are you serious? LORD BADIAS: You two can just get to know each other, and we'll see how that goes. THEOS: I don't have time for this; the fate of the world is at stake! HAROLDICUS: Well, I guess if you just agree to marry her, we can count that as basically the same as all-encompassing love and move on to the next step. THEOS: Ok, whatever, I'll marry you. CHLOE: Umm...I'm not agreeing to anything without getting some bitchin' bling first. THEOS: Uh, here, take my chest plate. It's made of magical diamonds infused with the souls of the dead. (He gives it to her.) CHLOE: Cool. Later. (Chloe exits.) THEOS: What's next? HAROLDICUS: Uh...woman as the temptress. THEOS: No, no more women.

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HAROLDICUS: Hold onto your pegasuses now, Theos, it doesn't literally have to be a woman. Basically, you just need to be tempted away from your journey by something. So, Theos, what enticement could lure you away from your quest? THEOS: Nothing. HAROLDICUS: Really? Not even wine? Ornamental pottery? Quality time with Chloe? THEOS: I just want to get the amulet and go home to my village. LORD BADIAS: What if I told you I could supply you with a large amount of camels? THEOS: What? LORD BADIAS: Yes! Thousands of camels! Camels as far as the eye can see! THEOS: What—no! LORD BADIAS: Well, that's all I got. HAROLDICUS: I guess we're stuck here until you can figure out what could tempt you away from your journey. (Theos pauses and tries to think for a moment.) THEOS: Actually, you know what? I could seriously go for some...uh...myrrh. HAROLDICUS: Myrrh? THEOS: Yeah, totally! I love me some myrrh. There's nothing like a good myrrh to make you forget your ambitions! LORD BADIAS: I can definitely hook you up with some myrrh, if you're sure it will make you want to give up your quest. THEOS: Yeah!

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LORD BADIAS: Ok, you wait here. I'll go get some. (He exits. Theos and Haroldicus stand awkwardly for a few moments.) HAROLDICUS: So he's pretty cool, huh? THEOS: Hmm? HAROLDICUS: Lord Badias, I mean. He seems pretty neat. THEOS: Yeah. Sure. I mean, he did try to kill me like eight times, and he summoned a volcano next to the sacred forest, and he cursed my grandmother, but yeah, other than that, he's great. HAROLDICUS: Y'know, I was thinking, maybe after this we could hang out again some time. (Lord Badias reenters with a goblet of myrrh.) LORD BADIAS: Sorry about that, I didn't quite have enough unicorn blood to conjure this, so I had to get some more. You know how it is. HAROLDICUS: Of course. Now, Theos, here it is—the object of your temptation. (Lord Badias and Haroldicus look intently at Theos' reaction as Badias hands him the myrrh. He attempts to appease them by looking excited, but, that not being enough, takes a sip. It tastes awful, but he tries to conceal this.) How is it? LORD BADIAS: Pretty tempting, ay? THEOS: Yep, sure is. I could just drink this myrrh all day and not even finish my quest. (He takes another sip, this one worse than the first.) Hey, wait! I just realized something!

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LORD BADIAS: What is it, Theos? THEOS: Myrrh is...not as important as saving the world! So I should...wait until after I've gotten the amulet, and I will...resist the temptations of life. Right? HAROLDICUS: Exemplary work, Theos! You combatted your temptations perfectly! (Relieved, Theos sets down the myrrh. Lord Badias carries it away.) THEOS: Great. So, what's the next step? HAROLDICUS: Atonement with the father. You must face whatever holds ultimate power in your life, which is usually a father or father figure, and then that power has to die. How is your relationship with your father, Theos? THEOS: Uh, it's fine. We hang out sometimes, play catch, farm. HAROLDICUS: Well, maybe this man is not actually your father. Maybe your real father is...LORD BADIAS!!! (Awkward pause.) THEOS: Um...no. LORD BADIAS: No, definitely not. HAROLDICUS: Oh. That was a swing and a miss, then. LORD BADIAS: If I'm correct, Haroldicus, the ultimate power doesn't have to be an actual person, but just a truth that the hero lives by. HAROLDICUS: Yes, that's true. LORD BADIAS: Well, Theos, what are some of your most cherished beliefs? THEOS: Um...I don't know.

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LORD BADIAS: Come on, anything that you believe is generally true about the world. THEOS: I guess I believe that if you work hard and you're a good person...bad things won't happen to you. LORD BADIAS: Oh, a good person? Like, say, Haroldicus, for instance? THEOS: Well, yeah, Haroldicus has done a lot for me. LORD BADIAS: And he's worked hard? THEOS: I guess I'd say so. LORD BADIAS: So for that, you think bad things will not happen to him. THEOS: Yeah. That's fair and that's what I believe. (Badias gives it a moment of thought, then has an idea.) LORD BADIAS: I can take care of that. (Badias quickly draws his sword and stabs Haroldicus in the side, fatally wounding him.) HAROLDICUS: AH! (He collapses to the ground.) THEOS: WHY DID YOU DO THAT???

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THE BOYS, THE BED, AND THE BALSA

A one-act comedy by Will Boersma

CAST OF CHARACTERS

GEOFFREY, 14, male, a preppy, hopeless romantic, who has a passion for the finer things in life. SAM, 14, male, a young, envious roughneck. AL, 14, male, a book smart kid, passionate about his research. 48 New Voices: Winning One-Acts by Young Playwrights

(10:30. Evening. Present. The setting is a small, undesirable motel room. There isn't much to live in, but still enough to move around. There is one single bed in this room with a night table to its side. On this night table are brochures and small restaurant guides for tourists. There is another table not too far away from the bed. This table has a balsa wood tower standing proud atop it. The tower is not constructed precisely but somehow still holds together. On the floor are three overnight bags with street clothes thrown on to them.) (When the lights come up it is revealed that three teenaged boys are surrounding the bed. The one checking his cuticles is GEOFFREY, 14, a preppy, hopeless romantic, who has a passion for the finer things in life. He is the type of person who pronounces all "W" words with a "Wh-" sound. Standing next to him is SAM, also 14, a young, envious, roughneck who is currently looking at some photos in his wallet with his back turned to the other boys. And the third boy is AL [short for Albert], 14, a book smart kid, who is currently studying the bed. All three of the boys are dressed for bed. The sound of light passing traffic is barely heard outside.) AL: Where are we? GEOFFREY: (Rubbing the top of the night table with his finger and checking for dust:) A hideous motel room. AL: But where from a geographical standpoint? GEOFFREY: (Picking up one the brochures and reading:) "Welcome to Dulls-ville: Where Fun Comes to Die!" AL: It doesn't say that. GEOFFREY: (Handing the brochure to Al:) Well it should. It's true. AL: (Putting brochure down:) Way to be cheap, Mrs. Brian. GEOFFREY: Ugh. Look at this bed.

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AL: How are we going to sleep in this? GEOFFREY: How do people sleep in any bed? SAM: (Turning and quickly throwing the wallet on the ground so no one sees it:) Why do we even need to sleep tonight? Let's pull an all-nighter. That's what the team would do. GEOFFREY: I don't have dirt under my nails, Sam. How can I be on the team? SAM: Julie liked having a boyfriend who was on the team. AL: (Covering his ears:) Don't mention— GEOFFREY: That's because Julie wasn't developed then. SAM: Oh she was developed. GEOFFREY: I mean as an intellectual, you pig. AL: (To Sam, in order to distract:) What was your plan again? SAM: I said we should pull an all-nighter. AL: All-nighter, that's good. Mess with our biological clocks so we're in no state to present the tower tomorrow. SAM: Then you better not be up reading books all night. AL: At least I go into books for information, not people's private lockers. GEOFFREY: Well, I'm not staying awake in a room with you two all night. A well cultivated person, such as myself, requires all the rest they can get. We used to sleep just fine at sleepovers. SAM: That was before. AL: (Gesturing at the tower:) I want to be awake when we present the tower. The probability of it winning is like 3.52 percent but we could still get that extra credit from Mrs. Brian.

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SAM: I need that. Coach says I need to pass this class or I'm off the team. AL: You're not the only one; I need to pass this class if I ever want to get back to my own research. GEOFFREY: And I'll get back to Julie. AL: But if we pull an all-nighter we'll just crash, and our odds of getting that extra credit will be a ratio of zero to zero. SAM: Why did we even build a tower? We should've built a wall like I said. Everyone else did. GEOFFREY: You idiot, if we had built a wall, we wouldn't be here competing at the National Balsa Wood Tower Building Competition. Mrs. Brian thought ours was the best in the class so now we're here. SAM: Still, a wall would've been better. AL: How are we going to get any sleep tonight? SAM: We'll just get in the bed and sleep. Duh. AL: It's more complicated than breaking and entering. When Mrs. Brian booked the room she only booked this one bed. SAM: Three people, one bed? AL: It was probably part of a bargain discount. GEOFFREY: Al, we're not that childish. I'm sure we can fit onto a bed. AL: Think about it; you guys couldn't even sit on the bus together without bringing up...her. GEOFFREY: How dare you refer to my Julie as a "her"! SAM: How dare you refer to her as your Julie! GEOFFREY: Because she is my Julie. Finders keepers, losers weepers.

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AL: And when one of you does bring Julie up, Sam gets angry and Geoffrey gets annoying. GEOFFREY: Well what about you? Mister I need a steel lock everywhere I go. AL: By breaking into my locker he could've potentially altered the results of my experiment. SAM: What experiment? AL: The one in my locker! SAM: Your ant farm? AL: Ant compound. SAM: I can't believe you two are even talking without belts on. GEOFFREY: (Turning to Al:) That's right, you little weasel. You pantsed me while I was wearing my newly fitted Italian trousers! How can I ever get over that? (Sam and Al laugh.) Stop that. It was a horrendous experience. SAM: I thought it was funny. AL: We'll never get any sleep. SAM: So then let's pull an all-nighter. AL: No. GEOFFREY: We'll sleep. AL: If we get in that bed, then we won't sleep and our hopes of getting that extra credit are gone. It's my hypothesis and I fear it will come true. SAM: (Confused:) But if we're in the bed we can sleep in it. AL: (To Geoffrey:) Does he just not listen to anyone?

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GEOFFREY: It's probably why she broke up with him. SAM: Well, as long as I don't sleep next to Geoff I'll be ok. He'll probably call Julie in the middle of the night. GEOFFREY: I'd only call her if I had to. My cell phone is my only way of communicating with my darling while I'm stuck in this bumble-town with you. SAM: Just leave your phone on the table so I don't feel it vibrating in the middle of the night. (Geoffrey takes his cell phone out of his pocket and puts it on the night table.) AL: (To Sam:) Well fine, but I don't want you sleeping next to me. GEOFFREY: (To Al:) But I'm not sleeping next to you. Who knows what you'll do. AL: My hypothesis is confirmed. GEOFFREY: (Looking at the bed:) It's so much smaller than my bed at home. (Al goes to his bag and takes a calculator out. He looks at the bed and begins calculating.) SAM: Yes, we get it, your parents are rich. Stop shoving it down our throats. GEOFFREY: You didn't say anything when you played "Commando Bots 2K3" on their big screen TV. SAM: That's when I was young and stupid. GEOFFREY: Julie thinks you still are. SAM: (Grabs Geoffrey by his collar:) Say one more thing about Julie and I'll punch you square in the teeth. AL: (Still on the calculator:) Will you guys knock it off? I'm

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trying to figure out the best possible sleeping arrangement for this tiny bed. SAM: (Dropping Geoffrey:) Who cares about the bed size? Let's just get some sleep! (Al puts the calculator back in his bag.) GEOFFREY: Fine, I'll just make a decision and sleep right here. (Geoffrey crawls to one side of the bed.) AL: And I'll sleep here. (Al crawls next to Geoffrey.) GEOFFREY: Oh, no you don't. You get to the other side of this bed. AL: Why can't I sleep here? GEOFFREY: You know why, you little immature toad. AL: It wasn't immature, you deserved it. GEOFFREY: Yes I deserved getting pantsed in front of the whole school. What could I possibly have done to you to be deserving of that? AL: Fine. (Al crawls to the other side.) SAM: (To Al:) And I'll sleep next to you. (Sam crawls in the middle of Al and Geoffrey.) AL: No! How do I know you won't break into my head and steal my dreams? SAM: Because that's stupid! AL: It would be stupid if I didn't have a legitimate reason for thinking you would.

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GEOFFREY: Are you two going to bicker all night? I need my sleep if I'm going to wake up tomorrow fully rejuvenated. SAM: Great, I'm stuck between a prissy snob and a paranoid nerd. GEOFFREY: (To Sam:) Just promise not to steal his dreams. SAM: But how could I— GEOFFREY: (Aggravated:) We're all doing things we don't want to do tonight. The least you could do is promise Al you won't break into his head and steal his dreams! SAM: (Giving up—to Al:) I promise not to steal your dreams. AL: Thank you. GEOFFREY: (Feigning happiness:) Told you it wouldn't be so bad. SAM: Yeah it's ok. AL: Perhaps I will get sleep tonight. (Al gets up and turns off the lights. The stage is dark. Quickly heard is an uncomfortable sound from Al.) SAM: What was that? AL: Sorry. That bacon dog I had at the rest stop is digesting. GEOFFREY: Ugh, how you can eat those vomit-dogs I'll never understand. Good night. (Silence. Until it is broken by the sound of heavy, rhythmic breathing. Al gets up and turns the lights on.) AL: Who is that? GEOFFREY: What? AL: Who was breathing like that?

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GEOFFREY: Oh. Sorry—that was me. It's an exercise I learned at camp to help relax and purify the body before drifting off to sleep. "Relaxed and Pure is the Cultured Cure." AL: Oh good, they taught poetry at that camp too. SAM: (To Geoffrey:) What does she see in you? GEOFFREY: Well if she keeps up her exercises, Julie's doing the same thing. AL: Well are you going to be doing that all night? I keep thinking you're choking or something. GEOFFREY: I only do it until I fall asleep. SAM: Great. So we get to listen to that. GEOFFREY: What happened to when you used to fall asleep right away at sleep overs? SAM: I was tired from running around. I could've slept through anything. GEOFFREY: Well then do some push-ups or just ignore it. SAM: Good idea. (Sam gets out of bed and begins doing push-ups. Geoffrey continues with his breathing exercises.) AL: Where is my book when I need it? (Sam finishes, turns off the lights, and crawls back into bed over an annoyed Al. The sound of deep breathing continues. And now the sound of loud, obnoxious, snoring is heard. Al gets out of the bed and turns the lights on. Geoffrey sits up.) That's not even normal. SAM: (Waking up:) What? AL: That snoring. SAM: What snoring?

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GEOFFREY: You didn't hear that dreadful noise? SAM: No. AL: That's because it was you. You can't hear yourself when you sleep. SAM: Oh. Sorry. I guess. AL: How can you even fall asleep that fast? SAM: I was tired from the push-ups, and I realized that the sooner I go to bed the sooner I can wake up and shave. AL: Shave what? Your leg hair? SAM: Why would I shave my leg hair? (Pause.) AL: (To Geoffrey:) Do you want to sleep in the middle? I fear his stupidity is contagious. GEOFFREY: So I can sleep next to little immature you? No thank you. I'd rather you got a little dumber. It would justify your behavior. AL: It was funny. GEOFFREY: It wasn't. It's been a long day so can we please just sleep? AL: Don't be mad at me. Sam's the one snoring. GEOFFREY: (To Sam:) Sleep on your side. SAM: Facing which way? GEOFFREY: (Really frustrated:) The right! Who cares? (Everyone does so. Al turns out the light and climbs into bed. This way everyone is on their side facing Al's back. The room is filled with the sound of deep breathing and snoring now. Until the sound of Al giving a sigh of relief is heard. After a moment Geoffrey gasps and Sam begins to sniff.)

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SAM: Oh man! GEOFFREY: I can't breathe! SAM: It smells awful! GEOFFREY: Al, what's the matter with you? AL: It was a big bacon dog. And a very long bus ride. (Sam and Geoffrey scramble out of bed. Sam turns the lights on. Everyone except Al is holding their nose, or has their shirt covering their nose.) It's a bodily function! GEOFFREY: So is breathing. SAM: So is snoring. AL: Well, I'm sorry. I had no control over it. GEOFFREY: There is no way I'm getting back into that bed. AL: What about your precious beauty sleep? GEOFFREY: I'd rather have no sleep, than be enveloped in that scent! AL: (Spreading out on the bed:) So I guess then... I get the bed to myself? SAM: What? GEOFFREY: That's not fair! AL: Well then climb back in. (Geoffrey and Sam both make a move to get back into the bed but hesitate and stop.) GEOFFREY: I'd rather sleep on the ground. It only smells like urine down there. AL: Be my guest. GEOFFREY: (Looks at the ground:) I was joking!

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SAM: It's not fair. Why does he get the bed? GEOFFREY: Because like an animal, he has tainted it with his smell. AL: Hey lover boy, go sleep in urine. GEOFFREY: You think you're so funny, don't you? AL: (Contently:) As a matter of fact I do. SAM: He does. I've seen proof. I could show you. (Sam begins to look around.) AL: What proof? SAM: When I was looking in your locker I found your journal. AL: (Standing on the bed:) My journal! SAM: He writes everything funny he did that day, and follows it with a "Pause for Laughs." (Geoffrey laughs.) AL: That is private property, you villain. SAM: Where is it? AL: It's in my bag, but if you go in there I will make you pay. SAM: (Stops looking:) What are you going to do; fart on me? AL: Just try me. GEOFFREY: Can we focus please? We can't sleep in this bed now that it's a biohazard. AL: Why don't you guys just sleep on the ground? GEOFFREY: I told you it smells like urine. Plus if I'm going to get a decent night's sleep I need to be comfortable. We have to find a bed we can share and that doesn't smell like a decaying skunk.

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SAM: What are we going to do? We can't break the bed up. GEOFFREY: I wonder. (As if struck by inspiration goes and checks where the mattress and the box spring meet:) Maybe we can. AL: What? GEOFFREY: You know at camp I had this very same problem. SAM: You and that stupid camp. The whole bus ride you wouldn't stop talking about that stupid camp. GEOFFREY: You're just jealous because it was at "The Camp for the Finer Things" where I met Julie, and she left you for me, the finer thing. AL: (Getting back to the point:) So what'd you guys do with the bed? GEOFFREY: Well we found that the box spring isn't entirely uncomfortable. So we removed the mattress from the box spring and someone slept on there while someone else slept on the mattress. SAM: That makes sense. AL: Only problem is who sleeps where? GEOFFREY: Well I should sleep on the mattress, since it was my idea. And that leaves you two with the box spring. SAM: What? AL: Oh come on. GEOFFREY: Hey I know it's not everyone's favorite plan. But it's the way it has to be if we want sleep. (Walking to the tower:) Presenting this tower is our ticket. My ticket back to Julie, (To Al:) your ticket back to your ants, (To Sam:) and your ticket back to the team. Who cares where we sleep tonight so long as we do. Ok? AL: Alright.

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SAM: Whatever. GEOFFREY: Let's move this mattress. (The three move the mattress off the box spring and distribute the covers and pillows evenly. They quietly squabble and bicker about this. After they're done they go to their respective sleeping places and Sam turns out the lights.) AL: It's really firm. SAM: Suck it up. AL: (Sitting up:) Can you even try to not be such a jerk? SAM: I can try. AL: Congratulations, Sam—you've now proven yourself to be an idiot, a thief, and a jerk. Well done, you are the world's only pile of dung that can walk and talk. SAM: (Sitting up:) I don't know what "dung" means, but I'm not going to stay up and listen to you call me names all night. You know, I once thought you were cool being so smart, but now I see that you're just another dweeb. (There is a pause, while Sam lies back down.) AL: (Hurt:) Why did you break into my locker? SAM: (Turning away from Al:) I needed a book. AL: But you could've broken into anyone's locker for a book. Why mine? SAM: Because. AL: Why? SAM: I wanted a book. I knew you'd have one. You're smart. You have books. AL: Fine, but then why did you go snooping around? SAM: I was curious.

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AL: About what? SAM: Don't worry about it. AL: Just tell me! SAM: (Sarcastically:) I wanted to know more about your ant house. AL: Compound! Ant compound! You know that's what it's called! (Al begins to beat up Sam, and the random "Ows" and "Stops" are heard until Sam throws Al off the box spring onto the ground.) GEOFFREY: Yes that's right. Rough house and forget about the tower. Who cares if it ever held together at all? By the end of tonight it will be broken into smithereens and we will have been forced to stay here together for nothing. AL: (On the ground. Picking up something:) What's this? SAM: What? AL: It's a wallet. (Sam gets up and turns on the light.) GEOFFREY: Great. Now how am I going to sleep? SAM: (Seeing the wallet:) Hey, that's mine! It must've fallen out of my pocket earlier. Give it to me! AL: (Studying the wallet:) You still have this?

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THE WHEELS GO ROUND AND ROUND

A one-act comedy by Spencer Robelen

CAST OF CHARACTERS ABBY ROBBINS, teenager, somewhat stressed out. STEVE ROBBINS, teenager, simple, but prone to freak out. DRIVING INSTRUCTOR GLOP, middle aged, oppressively boring and monotone, speaks without punctuation. DAD, middle aged, calm and patient. EMPLOYEE 1, unpleasant and cranky, actor may elaborate. DRIVING INSTRUCTOR GLORIA, middle aged, tired but sweet. EMPLOYEE 2, unpleasant and cranky, actor may elaborate. EMPLOYEE 3, not too unpleasant, actor may elaborate. GIRL TODDLER, could be played by older actress if needed. ANGRY PARENT, middle aged, irresponsible and violent. MOM, middle aged, sweet but easily stressed out. UNCLE NED, an old sea boat captain. The Wheels Go Round and Round by Spencer Robelen 63

(The stage is divided into thirds. Downstage, two chairs to the far right, two chairs to the center, and two chairs to the far left represent the driver and passenger seats of cars. Upstage right is the convenience store area, consisting of a checkout table with a cash register, an ATM machine, and a big pile of rice and bean sacks. Upstage left is the Department of Motor Vehicles area, consisting of two tables with DMV signs attached to the fronts and two chairs between the two tables. Suddenly, ABBY and STEVE rush out from the wings to the two chairs downstage center.) ABBY: Hurry up! We're going to be late! STEVE: Don't rush me! (Abby gets in the driver's seat and Steve gets in the passenger's. A fake driving wheel may be used by the driver to create the illusion of driving.) ABBY: Stupid brother. STEVE: Stupid sister. ABBY: (Starting up the car and driving away:) If we're late to this show, it'll be "the icing on the cake" to my day. STEVE: (Annoyed:) Abby, what are you talking about? ABBY: My day has been just...just crazy! (Steve turns and looks at Abby in disgust.) STEVE: I got my drivers license today. ABBY: (Trying to act calm and interested:) Oh that's right...congratulations. STEVE: I'm pretty sure my day was crazier than yours. ABBY: Go ahead...shoot. STEVE: Fine. Well, you know how last week I failed my first driving test.

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(As Steve says this, he quickly gets up and goes to the chairs downstage left in front of the DMV. Abby exits and Steve addresses the audience as though it were Abby. DRIVING INSTRUCTOR GLOP appears with a clipboard and sits in the passenger's seat as Steve sits in the driver's seat. The flashback takes place.) GLOP: (Speeding through her words without punctuation:) Hello my name is Driving Instructor Glop and I'll be your driving instructor today there are no tricks or trick questions on this test and listen very carefully to my directions in other words go straight unless I tell you otherwise and remember to use your turn signals and watch out for pedestrians because if you hit a pedestrian while I'm in this motor vehicle I'm really going to raise hell start by pulling out when the road behind you is clear good luck and may the force be with you. STEVE: (Somewhat mortified:) Um, okay... (Steve starts the car and drives down the course.) GLOP: (Totally indifferent to what is going on:) Take your next left. (Steve drives forward slowly, about to turn to the left.) I said take your next left. STEVE: (As in "correct":) Right. GLOP: No. Left. STEVE: (As in "correct":) Right. GLOP: No. Left. STEVE: "No left?" Don't turn? GLOP: No! STEVE: Oh, okay. GLOP: No!

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STEVE: No what?! (Steve suddenly slams on the brakes, but hits the curb of a median. A brief "thunk" sound is heard.) Aggghhhhhh! (Glop lets out an annoyed, tired sigh and writes something on the clipboard. Glop and Steve get out of the car and move upstage in front of the DMV. DAD enters from offstage and meets them there.) GLOP: (To Dad:) Mr. Robbins it looks like your son needs a little more practice I found that he had difficulty listening to directions and paying attention if there were other people on the road someone could have been violently killed come back whenever you want to try again and we hope to see you soon have a nice day. (Glop exits. Dad pats Steve on the back sympathetically.) STEVE: (To the audience:) So this morning, Dad and I went back to the DMV so I could try again. We brought all the right papers and everything...I even brought The Grapes of Wrath to read in case we had to wait; I was determined to pass this test. (Steve and Dad go to the first table in the DMV section. EMPLOYEE 1 enters and sits in the first chair behind the table. She obviously does not want to be there.) EMPLOYEE 1: Can I help you? DAD: Yes, we have a young man here to take the driving test. EMPLOYEE 1: Name? DAD: My name? Harrison Robbins the third. EMPLOYEE 1: No, your son's name. DAD: Oh...Steve Robbins. EMPLOYEE 1: (Filling out an information paper:) Car insurance

This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 66 New Voices: Winning One-Acts by Young Playwrights and information? (Dad hands her a few pieces of paper. She takes them and looks over them, making weird faces.) This doesn't match the car you're driving. This insurance is for a Dodge Caravan...your information is for a Dodge Neon. (Dad takes the papers and looks them over quickly. Steve watches nervously.) DAD: Shoot. I guess I brought the wrong insurance paper. I'm sorry. I guess we'll have to do this another time. Sorry. (Employee 1 rolls her eyes. Dad and Steve walk out to the pair of chairs downstage right. Dad sits in the driver's seat and drives while Steve sits and soliloquizes.) STEVE: You know what? Maybe it's a sign. Maybe God doesn't want me to drive. What if this is supposed to prevent me from hitting and killing a bus full of nuns? Maybe this is happening so I don't perpetuate global warming. Maybe I'm meant to drive a bike for the rest of my life as a sign to other— DAD: Oh my goodness... STEVE: What? DAD: ...the insurance for this car is on the other side of the paper with the insurance for the van! (Pause.) STEVE: (Sarcastically:) Thanks, Dad...thanks a lot. (Both get up and cross to the DMV in front of the same table.) DAD: Hi. Sorry, my fault. Here's the correct insurance. (Employee 1 looks over the paper.) EMPLOYEE 1: (Handing the papers back to Dad:) All right, if you wait over there, the next available driving instructor will be with you next year...I mean, momentarily.

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(Dad and Steve walk to the chairs next to the table and sit. Both pull out books and start to read.) STEVE: (To the audience:) Unbeknownst to us, the last driving instructor went on her lunch break just when we arrived. So, forty minutes later... (Pleasantly walking at an insanely slow speed, DRIVING INSTRUCTOR GLORIA enters with a clipboard.) GLORIA: (Reading from clipboard:) Steve Robbins? (Steve acknowledges her, gets up, and crosses with Gloria to the downstage right chairs. Steve gets in the driver's seat, Gloria in the passenger's.) Hello, my name is Driving Instructor Gloria, and I'll be your driving instructor today. There are la la la-dee da dee da, la la... STEVE: (To the audience, over Gloria's lines:) Anyway, she gave me the rules and all; but she seemed like a nice lady. GLORIA: ...la la la-dee da dee da and may the force be with you. (Steve starts the car and drives down the course.) When you can, take your next left. STEVE: Ri— (Steve slaps his hand over his mouth. Gloria doesn't notice. Steve makes a sigh of relief. He takes a left.) That time, I passed the test. GLORIA: (Removing a piece of paper from her clipboard:) All right, take this paper, go inside, and sign your name on the blue clipboard. Then go sit down and wait for your name to be called.

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(Steve thanks her as she gets up and exits. Steve gets up and crosses to the other end of the first DMV table. He gives Dad a "thumbs up" and Dad smiles in reply. Steve signs the blue clipboard and sits back down next to Dad.) STEVE: (To the audience:) As happy as I was to have passed the test, I was discouraged when I realized I had been reading The Grapes of Wrath for another twenty minutes. Why is the wait so long here? This place isn't that crowded. DAD: (Turning to Steve:) Listen, Steve. The Custer family has hired me to photograph their son's wedding tonight. If we have to keep waiting like this, I'm going to be really late. (EMPLOYEE 2 enters and sits in the second chair next to Employee 1. She fools with some papers and then calls out.) EMPLOYEE 2: Steve Robbins? STEVE: Here! (Steve and Dad get up from the seats and face Employee 2.) EMPLOYEE 2: All right...now I'm going to have to ask you some questions before you get your license, okay? Have you ever been pulled over by a cop during the period in which you've had your learner's permit? STEVE: No. (As Steve speaks, Employee 2 checks off info on the paper she is filling out.) EMPLOYEE 2: Have you ever driven under the influence of alcohol? STEVE: No. EMPLOYEE 2: Have you ever smoked marijuana? STEVE: No. EMPLOYEE 2: Have you ever used cocaine?

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STEVE: No. EMPLOYEE 2: Have you ever used heroine or LSD? STEVE: (Growing more and more annoyed:) No. EMPLOYEE 2: Have you ever had sex with a monkey? STEVE: No. EMPLOYEE 2: Have you ever had sex with someone who may have had sex with a monkey? STEVE: No. EMPLOYEE 2: Have you ever had sex with someone whose grandmother may have had sex with a monkey? STEVE: I'm not even going to listen anymore... EMPLOYEE 2: Can you read? STEVE: (Not hearing the question:) No! (Employee 2 stops for a moment in confusion, but then continues filling out the paper.) EMPLOYEE 2: Would you like to be an organ donor? STEVE: Well, what do I have to do? EMPLOYEE 2: Give your half-mangled organs to sick people. STEVE: What? No...I mean what do I have to do to become a donor? EMPLOYEE 2: Oh...just fill out these papers. (Employee 2 holds up a huge pile of paperwork. Dad, pressured for time, almost has a heart attack.) DAD: No! Never mind! We don't have the time! EMPLOYEE 2: All right then...stand in front of the blue screen and smile at the camera.

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(Steve and Dad look around for the screen and the camera, but before they can find it-) Thank you. Go sit and wait for the lady at the other table to call your name. (Steve and Dad stop and stare at each other, confused at what just happened. Deciding not to make things more complicated, they go sit in the seats between the two tables. Steve reads and Dad anxiously looks at his watch.) STEVE: (To the audience:) So, just because we were in a rush, another valuable twenty minutes passed. DAD: I'm sorry, Steve, but I need to leave now, or I'm going to be late for the wedding. Here, take the insurance papers and my book, and take my credit card to pay for the license. STEVE: Dad, we came in one car. How am I going to get home? DAD: I'll call Mom and she'll pick you up on her way home from work. (Dad pats Steve on the back and begins to exit, but then turns to Steve.) Do you have a gun? I mean...pepper spray?

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SEESAW

A short drama by Rebecca Moretti

CAST OF CHARACTERS ACE, a teenage high-school dropout. FIN, Ace's best friend, a clean-cut kid. CHARLIE, Ace and Fin's childhood friend, an athlete. GINNY, Charlie's girlfriend, a pretty, sweet girl.

SETTING Afternoon, 1958. Playground. 72 New Voices: Winning One-Acts by Young Playwrights

(An unremarkable playground on the south side of a small town. The playground is a patch of dying grass with a few park amenities, most notably a seesaw. ACE, a grungy looking 17- year-old, tips the seesaw up and down with his hand.) ACE: Up and down, and up and down, and up down... That's all you do isn't it? What's the point of this stupid thing, anyway? (Beat.) Is it fun for you going up and down all the time? Is that what you call a fun time? Huh? (Ace tries to sit on the seesaw, then leans against it, then gives up trying to make himself comfortable and sits cross-legged on the floor, picking at the dying grass. FIN strolls in after a little, wearing a black graduation gown and holding a matching cap in his hand.) FIN: Hey, Ace. (Ace turns, surprised to see his friend.) ACE: It's been a while, Fin... What're you, a priest now? (Fin laughs.) FIN: It's graduation day, remember? ACE: Must have slipped my mind. I've been pretty busy lately. FIN: Oh, yeah? (Fin looks around at the desolate playground. After a while...) What are you doing, Ace? (Beat.) ACE: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm livin' the life! FIN: Some life, huh?

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ACE: You know what your problem is? You don't live in the moment. You and everyone else at that stupid school. You go to class, you go to work, you get married, you have kids, and then you know happens, Fin? FIN: What? ACE: You turn 90, and look back on your life wondering what the hell you even did all those years. That's if the Russians don't blow us all up before, of course. FIN: You're not even a little worried? ACE: Not really. I mean, they talk a big game, but I don't think they have the balls to really— FIN: About your future, Ace. ACE: What's the point of worrying? FIN: Do you even go school anymore? ACE: Yea. To pick up chicks. (Fin shakes his head.) FIN: It's like you never left the fifth grade. ACE: What'd you come here on behalf of my mother or something? C'mon, take a seat. For old time's sake. (Ace pats the spot next to him, and Fin sits down.) FIN: I see they finally got rid of the tree house. ACE: Yea, and put this stupid seesaw here instead. FIN: To be fair, that tree was falling apart. ACE: It wasn't so bad. FIN: Remember when that branch fell and killed Mrs. Mulberry's cat? (Ace smiles.)

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ACE: Yeah. FIN: It's not funny. ACE: Sure it is. I hated that cat. (The boys look at each other and laugh.) FIN: Man, we were here all the time after school. ACE: We never wanted to go home. What are the rest of the boys up to, anyways? FIN: Timmy transferred to St. John's. ACE: Prep school? FIN: Yeah. ACE: Figures. FIN: Bill joined the football team. ACE: No kidding. FIN: Yeah, he's kind of a big deal now. Doesn't even say hi to me at school or anything. ACE: Didn't expect that from little Billy. FIN: People change. ACE: How bout Charlie? FIN: Charlie's good. We're still friends. You know he's dating Ginny Barry now. ACE: Ginny? Our Ginny? FIN: Yeah. They're practically engaged. ACE: That's weird. FIN: You used to have the biggest crush on her when we were kids. ACE: I did not.

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FIN: Sure you did. She was the only girl you'd let up in the tree. ACE: She was basically a boy back then, though. Remember how far up she could climb? Higher than all of us! FIN: Well, she's not a boy anymore, I can tell you that... They might stop by later, actually. ACE: (Alarmed:) Who? FIN: Charlie and Ginny. ACE: Why? It's not like they ever come around here anymore. FIN: They just want to say hi, Ace. ACE: That's real nice of them. You told 'em to come? (Fin nods.) What is this, some kind of intervention? You all disappear for two years and then show up here like nothing ever changed? (Fin is silent for a long time, looking down at his hands.) FIN: You're the one who disappeared. (Ace takes out a flask and takes a swig.) How's your old man? (Beat.) ACE: Oh, you know... Same old, same old. FIN: Listen, if you ever need a place to sleep or anything— ACE: I have a house, you know. FIN: It's just, you've kind of fallen off the grid lately, buddy. And people have been talkin'... ACE: Talk, talk, that's all people do in this stupid town. Well, let 'em talk! They don't know anything about me. FIN: I know, I just—

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ACE: You just what, Fin? You just wanted to come here all self-righteous after graduation and judge me? Do you feel better about yourself, now? FIN: No, that's not— ACE: What is it, then? (CHARLIE and GINNY walk in, dressed in their graduation clothes.) CHARLIE: We were worried about you, Ace. Didn't know if you were still alive or not, kid. ACE: Hope I wasn't too hard to find. CHARLIE: Not at all. Word on the street is you've taken up residence here. ACE: Rent's cheap. How are you, Chuckie? (Ace and Charlie shake hands.) CHARLIE: Not bad. You remember Ginny, don't you? (Ace looks at Ginny, a very lovely young woman.) ACE: Sure I do. GINNY: Hi, Ace. ACE: Hey, monkey. GINNY: (Smiling:) I forgot you used to call me that. CHARLIE: (Looking at the seesaw:) It's a damn shame what they did with our tree. Hey, Fin-O. FIN: Hey, Charlie. ACE: Make yourselves at home. (Ace gestures to the mangy grass and, after a moment of hesitation, they all sit down.)

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CHARLIE: I haven't been to this place in ages. Sure feels a lot smaller now. ACE: Well, now that your mom married that rich guy and you live on the nice side of town... (Awkward silence. Charlie looks down.) I didn't mean it like that, Chuckie. I mean, I'm happy she's happy now. CHARLIE: It's okay. When my parents were fighting, I'd always come to the tree house. This place brings back good memories. (Ginny takes Charlie's hand.) GINNY: It was our escape. (Beat. Ace takes a swig from his flask.) CHARLIE: What'd you got there, chief?

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THE TOTALLY LIFE CHANGING LETTER THAT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER

A short comedy by Marisa Kanai

CAST OF CHARACTERS (in order of appearance)

LILY, a high school senior applying to college. Quirky, idiosyncratic yet seemingly normal. WES, a friend of Lily. COUNSELOR, the unhelpful, ridiculous guidance counselor. AMANDA, girl on a college-related web forum. Overachieving, fake, prudish. SAM, a boy on a college-related web forum. Underachieving, yet intelligent. PROCTOR, a standardized testing proctor. Strong, but has no control over the setting. SLACKER, arrives late to the test due to general laziness, and circumstances. STONER, student, does not care about the test. NERD, overachieving, high strung, conceited student. WOMAN, an interrupting teacher. ANDREW, conservative, socially aware academic.

SIMONE, unconventional, promiscuous rule-challenging secret intellectual. WHALE, fights over Lily with TMI. TMI, fights over Lily with Whale. DEAD SENIOR, a cameo. Lies onstage from the second scene onwards.

NOTE

Roles can be multiple cast as follows:

LILY WES, SLACKER, WHALE COUNSELOR, WOMAN AMANDA, PROCTOR, TMI SAM, STONER, ANDREW NERD, SIMONE DEAD SENIOR

PRODUCTION NOTES

The play occurs through a series of flashbacks, separated by brief blackouts.

In certain instances, productions may wish to substitute the alternatives in [brackets] to make the play more suitable for their community. 80 New Voices: Winning One-Acts by Young Playwrights

(Lights up on MATTIE, who is sitting, engrossed in a video game. The SOUNDS of a video game can be heard, and the light from the television flickers on Mattie's face. ELLEN storms into the living room. She is holding her diary, which she slams down on a nearby table.) ELLEN: Just who do you think you are? MATTIE: If you hold on two seconds, I will be...master of the universe. (Ellen grabs the controller away from him; he tries to snatch it back.) Hey Ellen, give that back. ELLEN: Why should I? MATTIE: I was about to reach a new high… (An electronic rendition of MOZART'S "REQUIEM" signals the end of the game:) ...score. ELLEN: Put out your hands. MATTIE: What? Why? ELLEN: I want to see your hands, Mattie. MATTIE: No. You're crazy. (They struggle. Ellen grabs his hands, and flips them up to look at the palms. He closes his hands into fists.) ELLEN: Open them. MATTIE: You can't make me. ELLEN: I said, open them. (She begins to squeeze his wrists tighter, until he is forced to open his hands up.) MATTIE: OK, OK. Just stop. That hurts.

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(Open to a girl, LILY, CS. She is contemplative, and speaks towards the audience, holding a letter in her hand. It is pink and blue paper, oversized and covered in stickers. She seems fearful, reverent of the letter.) LILY: So. This is it, I guess. This, this is the end of all my work. All my hard work, time spent...and at this point, I kind of don't want to open it. Even though...you know, I stayed up like, all last night 'cause I couldn't sleep. Too nervous. It's like, this constant 'ahhhhh!' (Panicked:) You know? My heart's like freaking palpitating all. The. Time. (Sigh:) And I'm like [firetruck] (BEEP. She is confused:) And I'm like, [firetruck]. (BEEP. She realizes it comes from the sound booth. To tech, annoyed.) Thank you! (Sigh:) Crap crap crap [Come on, come on, come on]. Yes no yes no. (Looking the letter over:) Well, this definitely wasn't quite what I was expecting. Whatever. You know...all this time, this entire year...actually, the whole four years...I could have been doing something else—something, you know, like, hanging out with friends. (Exasperated:) Having a life! But then...then it comes down to simple decisions; all-nighters versus all night out, sleepovers versus study group. Even trivial things. (Sarcastically:) Well, I can't study for Biology because I want to go into humanities and it would reflect really badly if I got a C in English and history. (She makes a face. Firmly:) It rules your life. (Pause.) Studying or partying. Like, getting totally, and utterly wasted and not remembering a thing in the morning. (Pause. Sarcastically:) Oh, wait. I do that. The not remembering anything in the morning? We call that studying. So it is all the same, in the end. And it comes down to this. This—this stupid letter. Yes no yes no. This whole process is just a crapshoot, anyway. (Enter WES.)

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WES: Ooohh. Is that your—your letter? (He grasps at it. Lily snatches is out of reach.) Did you get it? Tell us, dude, did you get in? LILY: This is judgment day. WES: Are you scared? LILY: Yes. If I said no, I would be lying. WES: Just open it, seriously. LILY: (Calmly:) Yes no yes no... (Fade to COUNSELOR, and Lily, sitting silently, staring at each other. A body, DEAD SENIOR, lies far SL. It twitches. Lily is calm, with a laptop on her lap. Counselor obsessively taps fingers. Lily, getting aggravated, begins tapping her foot in a counter rhythm. Counselor soon realizes the absurdity, then stops tapping. Lily coughs.) COUNSELOR: So. Lily. Goldwell, is it? LILY: ...yes. Yes, it is. (Lily sees the Dead Senior. She is confused, startled. Motioning to the body lying SL.) Um...who...what is that? (Quietly:) And why is it on stage? (Counselor glances behind, waving in disregard. Stands, moves and nudges the Dead Senior closer to the edge of the stage.) COUNSELOR: Oh. Her. Yeah...she's just a senior. Just— (A collapsing motion with hands. Dead Senior twitches.) Guess it was just, too much work. Yeah, actually, maybe that's why this is a play about seniors with no actual seniors in it... (Notices Lily staring at him:) So anyway. LILY: Yeah. COUNSELOR: And you're a freshman?

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LILY: (Nervously:) Actually, I'm a senior. COUNSELOR: Oh. (Glancing at a sheet:) Well, then... So, Lily. What are you thinking about for college? (An awkward silence, as Lily stares:) Anything? LILY: College. COUNSELOR: College. LILY: I have thought about it. (Silence. Counselor starts tapping, softly.) COUNSELOR: And...? LILY: Well... COUNSELOR: Yes? LILY: Um... COUNSELOR: Any revelations? LILY: About what? COUNSELOR: About college. LILY: Yes. (Beat.) COUNSELOR: Well, what are they?! LILY: I have to apply to them. COUNSELOR: Congratulations. You're a genius. LILY: Well, my parents want me to apply to Harvard. COUNSELOR: (Glancing at sheet:) Not that much of a genius. (Aside:) Tough luck. LILY: So what do you think I should do? COUNSELOR: Well, you should actually apply somewhere, besides Harvard.

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LILY: Why? Where? COUNSELOR: (Concentrating:) How about ACCEPT? Atlantic Coast Conservative Engineering Poly Technic. LILY: It sounds...so interesting. What's their acceptance rate? COUNSELOR: (Frankly:) 100%. LILY: (In shock:) Um...I was thinking of something a little more...you, know, er, rigorous. Credible. COUNSELOR: (Writing something down:) Go look at this website. Maybe you'll get an idea, then, of your academic capabilities, your intellectual capacities... LILY: (Reading:) College confidential? COUNSELOR: It's perfect to get an idea of where you are, compared to everyone else you're trying to beat out for that one spot. (Enter AMANDA, SL, with a sign written GPA, SAT and IQ: 4.31, 2355, 124). LILY: (Reading from a computer in a false voice:) HarvardGirl1. (Beat.) Hi, my name is— AMANDA: Amanda. I'm like, the captain of the cheer team, I have A's in nearly all my classes, except for the one I got a B in because I was taking care of my sick neighbor— (Aside:) Even if it was only mono. (Confidently:) I volunteer for the homeless shelter LILY: Among numerous other completely selfless and altruistic activities like extensive participation in the abstinence club. I also play the recorder in the school band, first chair... (Aside:) ...of three AMANDA: And I've only won like, eighteen awards for the piano, which I've played since I was two. And two summers

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ago I got to attend a summer program at Harvard where I made a lot of friends. LILY: And this summer I had an internship with the National Institute of Health. AMANDA: The summer I was sixteen I volunteered with Doctors Without Borders, LILY: Cured cancer, and participated in a UN global conference to initiate world peace. AMANDA: But I make sure to spend time with my family, and to do things that I love, like reading. LILY: Like what? AMANDA: War and Peace . Beowulf and The Odyssey in their original texts. LILY: My dream schools are Harvard and Oxford. AMANDA: What are my chances of getting in? (Beat.) LILY: What the hell is this? COUNSELOR: Reality, sweetie. LILY: Well, that's just screwed up. (Beat. Enter SAM, with a sign: 2.4, 1365, 147.) (To Counselor:) So what do you think I can do? (Beat.) SammyStoner543. SAM: Yo, wazzup. I'm Sam. LILY: And I'm the class slacker. Token. SAM: Among other things. LILY: Porn addict [Metal head].

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SAM: Want some weed? [Come on, just die already! At this rate I'll run out of ammo before I reach the next level!] LILY: (To audience:) Um...yeah. That too. SAM: When I'm not passed out ["studying"] I'm a pretty decent guy, though. LILY: And I used to play baseball, but it sucked [wasn't fun], so I stopped. SAM: Now I just do— LILY: Theatre. SAM: Which, you gotta admit, is kinda lame. LILY: Lamer than school. SAM: More lame. At least theatre is fun. LILY: So why the heck should I want to learn shit [stuff] I don't want to? SAM: I don't really wanna go to uni, but whatevs. It's chill, man, seriously. All those books and shit [stuff], not really my thing, ya' know? LILY: (Stiffly reading:) Like, studying? Come on, man, totally like, don't dig that. No offense, ya' know? SAM: It's not like, people haven't tried to get me to want to learn. But just don't care. Not like, I'm stupid or anything. I'll learn shit [stuff] I want to know on my own. Community college is cool for me. AMANDA: Like you could even get in there. (Lily shuts the computer, turning to the Counselor.) LILY: I can't do this! I can't! What if I just like, don't leave high school?

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COUNSELOR: Oh, you'll want to leave, after this process, dear. Get clear of the whole high school extravaganza. Trust me. (Cross fade to a classroom. Three desks are aligned, close together in a [square] formation, facing SR. Students seated at the desks are talking loudly. The PROCTOR up front paces, intermittently glancing at his watch. Finally, he glances, and quickly begins to move, animatedly.) PROCTOR: Okay, students. Let's get this show on the road. (Students look at him, each other, groaning. SLACKER enters, out of breath, as if in a hurry.) SLACKER: I'm late! I'm late, aren't I? Sorry— PROCTOR: Why did this happen? SLACKER: (Taking a seat, awkwardly:) They—the guard wouldn't let me onto campus. LILY: Why? SLACKER: It's only 7.29. (Proctor coughs.) LILY: I'm so not looking forward to this. NERD: (As though hyped up on caffeine:) It's only a three-hour test. It'll be over soon enough. STONER: Oh, shut it nerdbrain. PROCTOR: Come on now, let's be nice. Before we begin I'm going to read to you the— NERD: (To Stoner:) At least I'll get above an 800. Composite. PROCTOR: Instructions. Turn your test booklets to the back, and fill in the correct information in the numbered boxes with

This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 88 New Voices: Winning One-Acts by Young Playwrights a pencil. Your name, date of birth, gender, school name, school code... STONER: (Blankly, to Nerd:) Isn't that good? PROCTOR: ...citizenship, ethnicity, sexual orientation [insurance carrier], fingerprints... STONER: Hey...do you want the answers? NERD: (Sniffing:) No, I've already got my caffeine pills. And I'll still beat you. (Stoner silently offers to the others, who decline.) LILY: (To Nerd:) Hey, um, can I borrow a calculator? PROCTOR: ...favorite beverage, favorite color, social security number... NERD: Sure. You may. (Nerd digs around in his case, pulling out an abacus, handing it to Lily. Lily stares at it, flabbergasted. She takes it, confused. She fiddles with it.) LILY: What is this? NERD: (Matter-of-factly:) An abacus. LILY: What the heck am I supposed to do with this? (Lily puts the abacus on her desk.) PROCTOR: After you've completed this survey in pencil... NERD: You use it to calculate. STONER: We were supposed to use a pencil? (He glances, surprised, at his sheet.) LILY: (Dryly:) Thanks. (Stoner tries to erase the pen marks.) STONER: (Mumbling:) It's not coming off.

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NERD: No problem. Anything to debilitate the enemy. (They stare at each other.) You're going down.

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CHIRAPTOPHOBIA

A one-act drama by Hannah Estelle Sears

CAST OF CHARACTERS

BEATRICE, mother. HENRY, father. MARY, aunt. JULIA, female, friend. RICKI, female, friend. EMMA, female, English teacher. ANDREW, male, friend. RACHEL, female, a ghost.

Chiraptophobia by Hannah Estelle Sears 91

SCENE 1 (Rows of chairs are set on half of the stage. They face stage left, where a coffin lies closed. BEATRICE, HENRY, MARY, JULIA, RICKI, EMMA, and ANDREW sit quietly. After a moment, Beatrice stands and walks to the coffin.) BEATRICE: (Addressing the crowd:) Thank you all for coming, it means a great deal to Henry and me. (Lights down on stage left, up on stage right where a couch, chair, mirror, toilet, and door are set. RACHEL sits on the couch, headphones plugged into her iPod, flipping through a magazine and singing along to her music.) RACHEL: YOU THINK NOW THAT YOU'VE LOST ALL THE FEELING IN YOUR TOES AS THE NUMBNESS TRAVELS ROUND, YOU HAVE NO PLACE TO GO. PERHAPS YOU WILL SUBDUE TO THE SHARP AND PIERCING AIR STRIP OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES AND JUST LAY THERE. LAY THERE… (Removing her headphones:) Mom! When's dinner? (Pause. No response. Rachel returns to reading her magazine. Her phone rings as if she's received a text message. She picks it up and looks. She then dials a number and puts the phone to her ear.) Ricki? Hey, it's Rache. (Pause.) No, no, just cause I'm reading People and I figured phone was easier. (Pause.) Me too! I'm starving! (Pause.) Yeah I took the math final today, it wasn't that bad. (Pause.) Yeah I'm fine, why? (Pause.) No, no, no everything's cool. I talked to him about it earlier. (Pause.) Haha I know, I know… (Pause.) I know! Okay enough. (Laughing:) It's not a big deal, I'll see you tomorrow. Okay, bye.

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(Rachel hangs up the phone and stands next to her couch facing stage right, watching herself in the mirror.) Hm. (She pulls up her shirt to her ribcage, examining her stomach. She grabs a handful of flesh and jiggles it.) Mirror mirror on the wall, why can't I be thin and tall? (She spins around to look at her rear, furrowing her brow almost comically. Lights down on stage right, up on stage left.) BEATRICE: (Wringing her hands:) It's been tough the last few weeks, for all of us. (Uneasily:) Since we're such an…intimate group, I thought it would be nice to invite you all up to say a few words and goodbyes. (Pause. Everyone looks around at each other. Finally, Ricki stands and walks to the coffin as Beatrice sits.) RICKI: I didn't really prepare anything, uhm… Well; Rachel was a good friend to me. She always asked about my problems with boys or my family or whatever. She was always so happy. There was this one time we were sitting in her room, and she just stood up and started dancing for no reason. That's the sort of thing I remember most, I guess, about Rachel. That look in her eyes when she'd get an idea like no matter how much you tried to convince her it wouldn't work there was no budging, that was it. She had to do it or the world would end. I admired that determination in her, and I always wished I could have had some of it myself. (No longer addressing the crowd, but herself:) I thought Rachel was perfect. That's not even an exaggeration; she was beautiful and so smart and funny and exciting. But she was also aloof. You could hear it in the way she'd say, "Yeah, I'm fine" and force a grin so wholeheartedly that you just let it go and moved on. She played it off well too, really making us all believe that the

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distance was her own choosing and maintaining an air of mystery that only made her more alluring. But she didn't want it. (Lights down stage left. Ricki and Julia cross to center stage during blackout and are met by Rachel.) JULIA: Hey! (The girls hug.) RICKI: Hey. So?! (Leaning in. Whispering:) Tell me what happened. JULIA: Okay so Saturday night I went out with Caroline— RICKI: Right. JULIA: And she had heard that Drew was having a party— RICKI: Mhm. JULIA: (Robust, excited gestures.) Anyway we go and I'm, like, the only person from our school. It was pretty awkward at first but then I saw Jordan and was like thank god he's here, one person I know! So we're talking for a while and then this godly guy walks in, like 6 feet tall, built well I guess, not carved out of stone or anything, and he walks right over to Jordan and they start talking. So then I'm like "oh hi I'm Julia" and he says his name is Sean and we start talking cause neither of us knows that many people and Jordan's still there so it's not awkward. Then, 20 minutes later or something, the cops show up cause Drew forgot to warn the neighbors so we all run out the garage door to the park near his house. So we're all there and these two guys try to climb to the roof of the little building with the bathroom in it. I'm just sitting with Caroline and Jordan on this ledge. Then I see Sean like on a structure with this girl, I dunno who she is but I was like noooo! But so then I convince Caroline to walk over there with me and ask if they know how long we'll be in the park and so Sean comes

This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. 94 New Voices: Winning One-Acts by Young Playwrights back to the group— RACHEL: Guys, we've gotta go to class. JULIA: Hold on! I'm almost done! RICKI: I hate you! Why can't I meet impossibly gorgeous men at parties on weekends and run through parks with them? RACHEL: Okay well I'm going to class, see you guys later. RICKI: Lunch? RACHEL: I have student council. RICKI: Oh, right, okay well I'll catch you later, love you. RACHEL: Yeah. RICKI: (Turning back to Julia:) Hurry! I wanna hear the end. JULIA: Okay so he walks back over and basically what ends up happening is we walk to McDonald's in a big group and the two of us are flirting and then he and Jordan come back to Caroline's house to hang out and we all watch Hostel. By the way never watch that with guys, all they do is stare at all the naked women. RICKI: What a surprise. JULIA: But he was snuggling with me during the movie and it was so cute! Caroline's mom kicked everyone out at 12 but he texted me last night and said he wanted to hang out this weekend! RICKI: Ah!! JULIA: I know! I'm so excited. RICKI: (Over her shoulder as she exits:) Okay I'm gonna run to class but that's great. JULIA: Bye girl.

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(She blows a kiss. Julia and Ricki return to the funeral as Rachel walks to stage right. She begins to do crunches, pushups and other exercises.) RACHEL: Come on, Rache, you got this. Ten more, that's all, keep going. I can feel the fat burning off, keep pushing, work through the pain. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, done! (Panting:) Phew that felt nice. (She stands and examines herself once more in the mirror. Lights down on stage left, up on stage right.) RICKI: Rachel was brilliant in her sickness. She'd tell me "Ricki, I know I have a problem, and I'll work on it, okay? Just give me time. I'll be fine. It's all gonna work out, it's not like I'm throwing up or starving myself or anything." She'd say "Ricki, I had the hardest workout at the gym yesterday" and, where I used to smile and feel jealous of her dedication, I'd cringe, shrinking behind her vapid promises and pretending it wasn't my responsibility to make sure she was okay. I don't know if it's all my fault, it feels like it but really she didn't want help. (Lights up on stage left, where Rachel is scribbling in a notebook, speaking what she is writing.) RACHEL: (Speaking almost frantically:) Three sets of 10 pushups, 25 crunches, 8 jumping jacks, one minute of plank, and four glasses of water before breakfast and dinner. (Pause.) Tell mom to only buy organic foods and stock up on celery, it has negative calories. Oh, and no more eggs, butter, wheat, sugar, or salad dressing. (She rips the page from her notebook and hangs it on the mirror.) There, perfect.

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(Looking at her reflection. Rachel freezes and Ricki walks to her couch and screams heartily. She calmly picks up the notebook. She reads from it.) RICKI: It was wrong of me to read her journal. But I did it and I'm glad because now, as I look at this wooden box about to sit solitary in the soil, I know what's really being buried. I won't tell, won't breathe a word of it. But I'll keep breathing. (Addressing the crowd at the funeral:) Rachel was confident, courageous, and beautiful. (Turning to the coffin:) Bye Rache. BEATRICE: Thank you, Ricki. That was lovely. HENRY: I hope— BEATICE: (Privately, angry.) Sh! Not now. HENRY: But— BEATRICE: I said not now. (Henry sits. Pause.) (In a forced, polite but deeply irritated tone:) Mary, would you speak? (She motions for her.) MARY: (Walking to the front, tripping:) Beats, I don't know if— BEATRICE: (Ushering her to the front:) Everyone, this is my sister Mary. MARY: (Deep breath.) Good afternoon. (She mimes her speech as the scene continues with a conversation between Andrew and Julia outside the funeral. Andrew rubs the top of Julia's head. She laughs.) JULIA: You've gotta stop doing that. ANDREW: What? (Julia lets out a playfully disgruntled sigh.)

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Huh? JULIA: You really need a haircut. (She touches his hair, fixing it.) ANDREW: You think so? (Looking down her shirt as she works on his hair:) I think I'm looking just fine these days. JULIA: Oh? I don't know about that. ANDREW: Well you should! (Taking her wrists and moving her hands away from his head. He keeps his grip, moving her from side to side playfully.) JULIA: (Slaps his shoulder, giggling:) Stop! ANDREW: Nope. Not gonna happen. (He begins twirling her. When he finishes, she stumbles about and giggles.) JULIA: Hey so are you excited for the circus center? ANDREW: No way, I'm terrified of heights. JULIA: Oh don't worry, big bad me will be there to protect you. ANDREW: Mhm we'll see! JULIA: Oh yes we will. You'll be bawling like a baby— ANDREW: Bawling like a grown-ass-man you mean! JULIA: I dunno… (Andrew pretends to collapse in a fit of tears. Julia laughs.) See? This is why you need me! I can bring tissues and all the motivational banter you'll need. ANDREW: (Still pretending to cry:) Oh Julia, how will I ever repay you?

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(Lights down.)

SCENE 2 (Rachel rips the hair ties out of her hair and shakes it out. Andrew rises and goes to sit on the couch. Lights go down on stage right and fully up on Rachel's room scene.) RACHEL: (Standing in front of the mirror, picking at zits and muttering:) Stupid acne. Great, now I'm all red. ANDREW: Rache, will you stop and get over here? (Kissing her:) Mmm, yeah I think that's just what you needed. How 'bout a little more of this (He kisses her.) and maybe this. (He whispers in her ear before kissing her neck.) RACHEL: (Giggling:) Stop it! ANDREW: (Playfully:) Oh now do you really mean that? I don't think so. RACHEL: You know me too well. ANDREW: Oh?? We'll see about that. (They start making out on the couch.) RACHEL: (After a while:) Baby, my mom's home. ANDREW: (Kissing her ears:) Shhhh. RACHEL: I really have to write that English paper for Mr. Meyers, and you know how he— ANDREW: I know, I know. But once I walk out that door, you'll sit in front of your computer staring at your paper and wish you hadn't sent me away. RACHEL: I gotta admit, you're persuasive. But I have to pass on this one. ANDREW: Really? Aw, that's no fun.

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RACHEL: Well unfortunately for us both, I can't always be the fun one. ANDREW: (Lightheartedly:) Well…you are always the fun one. RACHEL: (Playfully:) I try. ANDREW: Oh, I know. RACHEL: You really, really—? ANDREW: Yes. RACHEL: (Sarcastically:) Well, no one can stop Mr. Andrew Baker when he's on a mission. If he wants something, he gets it. ANDREW: Mmmm, that's right. Now you stop being such a party pooper and get back over here. RACHEL: (Shaking her head coyly:) Make me. ANDREW: (Whining:) Rache… RACHEL: No, no, no, you get to have your fun so let me have mine! I need to keep you interested, don't I? That's what all the magazines say, keep the hunt alive. Play hard to get! ANDREW: Baby it doesn't have to be this difficult all the time. RACHEL: I'm not being difficult, I'm being fun. I'm the fun one, remember? ANDREW: Yeah, I remember. Now live up to that title and get your butt over here! RACHEL: (Lying down with him:) Talking about my butt, I see. What? You think it's nice? ANDREW: You know I do baby…it's perfect. RACHEL: Yeah? Good. (As they kiss, lights fade to black on stage left and come up on Beatrice standing at the back of the room arguing with her

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husband as the rest of the room walks slowly by the casket, some dropping flowers.) BEATRICE: Henry, this is my daughter's funeral— HENRY: Our daughter. BEATRICE: And I cannot have you talking about— HENRY: About what? The truth? Beatrice, please BEATRICE: Don't you speak to me in that tone— HENRY: I don't have a tone (Beatrice lets out a huffy, hurried breath.) Don't get huffy. BEATRICE: I'm not huffy! HENRY: Oh come on, look at yourself. Pay our daughter a little more respect. BEATRICE: I am paying her all the respect I possibly can be stopping you from bringing ridiculous allegations into— HENRY: Ridiculous alleg…? Beatrice, you and I both know Rachel had problems. Don't pretend they didn't exist just because she is gone. BEATRICE: Problems. What does that even mean? We all have problems!

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SWEETHEART

A short dark comedy by Danny Rothschild

CAST OF CHARACTERS MOTHER, 48, wears the pants, somewhat neurotic, upper class. Happy. FATHER, 50, useless, calm, quiet, repeats what's been said. Happy. SISTER, 19, tomboy, very un-girly, resembles her mother. Happy. BROTHER, 12, resembles the father, useless, repetitive. Happy. GIRL, 8, fragile, sweet, small, shy. Not quite as happy.

SETTING A middle-class suburban home, one rainy spring night.

TIME The mid-50s.

NOTE TO THE DIRECTOR

The play should have an absurdist quality to it. Everything is slightly exaggerated and overdone. Maybe their make-up is all done up to make them look like dolls, or perhaps their pajamas are too crisp and perfect. The heart at the end is represented by an alarm clock.

(Lights rise on a king bed. MOTHER and FATHER enter from opposite sides of the stage, Father wearing a pastel blue pajama suit and Mother wearing a pastel pink nightgown. They stare at each other, and then turn in sync to face the audience. Both have large smiles on their faces. After a short pause, they both climb into bed, still in sync. In the background, you hear the sound of pouring rain and thunder. Father picks up a book from the bedside table, and Mother looks out the window.) MOTHER: (She speaks softly and sweetly:) What a lovely day it was today, wouldn't you agree? (Father doesn't reply.) Honey? FATHER: (Without glancing away from a book:) Yes my dear? MOTHER: I said, what a lovely day it was today. Wouldn't you agree? FATHER: (Still reading his book:) Oh yes, I would have to agree. Lovely, lovely day. (Thunder roars outside.) MOTHER: I didn't much care for dinner though... (Pauses to think, then turns to her husband:) What did you think? FATHER: (Still not glancing away from his book:) Oh no, I didn't much care for dinner at all. MOTHER: The neighbors are rather bad when it comes to cooking. FATHER: Yes, they are rather bad when it comes to cooking, aren't they. MOTHER: Next time let's be sure to have them over for dinner at our house. It's a much more pleasant space, and we're much better cooks. I mean really. FATHER: (Still reading the book:) Oh yes, of course dear. We are much better cooks. I mean really. Sweetheart by Danny Rothschild 103

MOTHER: And can you believe we had to ring the doorbell twice before they answered? FATHER: We had to ring it twice! MOTHER: I mean, really. Who waits until the second ring? Such dreadful taste. FATHER: Dreadful, yes, what dreadful taste. MOTHER: (Her smile returns to her face as she continues to look out the window:) But all in all, quite a lovely day! FATHER: Yes, it was quite a lovely day, wasn't it? (There is a flash of lightning.) MOTHER: I hope tomorrow is just as lovely. FATHER: Just as lovely, yes, or lovelier! MOTHER: (Giggles to herself:) Oh I am sure it will be. Everyday this year just keeps on getting better. (There is a long pause. A flash of lightning followed by loud thunder.) Honey? FATHER: (Turns the page and continues reading:) Yes my dear? MOTHER: I love you. And I love our family. And I am very, very happy. (Father closes his book and sets it back on the bedside table. He turns to Mother.) FATHER: Oh, I am so glad to hear that, dear. I love you. And I love our family. And I'm very, very happy too. (They kiss each other goodnight and Father turns off the lamp. In the midst of the rain, a strange weeping noise is heard.) MOTHER: (Sitting up, a bit anxious:) Did you hear that strange sound? What was that?

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FATHER: (Turning the lamp back on:) I'm not quite sure. What was that? MOTHER: (Climbing out of bed:) We better check on the children, and make sure they are happy. FATHER: Oh yes, we better check on the children, dear. (Father follows her and they both exit SR. GIRL enters in her yellow flowery nightgown, and gets in bed, pulls the sheets up to her neck. She is shivering. Mother and Father enter from SL, smiles plastered on both their faces.) MOTHER: Is everything alright? Why are you awake? It's past your bedtime. FATHER: Is everything alright? It's past your bedtime. MOTHER: You should be asleep! And why are you shaking? Stop that. FATHER: Is everything alright, sweetheart? MOTHER: Why are you shaking? I said stop that. Do you hear me? Stop that! (SISTER enters, being just woken up from the noise.) SISTER: What's going on? What's the matter with her? MOTHER: (A bit nervous. Voice raised, and uncertain:) Nothing. Nothing! Nothing's "the matter with her." She's perfectly fine. She's perfectly happy. (BROTHER enters, nervous, pacing around the room back and forth.) BROTHER: What's going on? What's wrong with her? MOTHER: Hush! Don't say that. Nothing is wrong with her! FATHER: Are you alright, sweetheart? BROTHER: Why is she shaking like that? That's not normal. MOTHER: She's perfectly fine, she's perfectly normal! This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted. Sweetheart by Danny Rothschild 105

(Sister moves forward and strips the sheets off her younger sister, who is lying in the fetal position, clutching her knees, shivering even more than she had before. Tears start staining her pillowcase.) SISTER: What's wrong with your eyes? BROTHER: What in the world is that!? MOTHER: (Examining the girl's face more closely:) Oh no! Don't you bring those tears in here! Not in this house! FATHER: Are you alright, sweetheart? BROTHER: Is she crying? MOTHER: No! Don't say that! Of course she's not crying, there's just something funny with her eyes. SISTER: No, look! I can see it! She's crying! Why is she crying? (Turning to the girl, shouting a bit:) Why are you crying! MOTHER: I said she's not crying! BROTHER: (Worried:) Will...will she be okay? MOTHER: (Anxious:) Of course she'll be okay! She's perfectly okay already! FATHER: (Still same tone of voice:) Are you alright, sweetheart? MOTHER: Yes, she's alright! Stop asking that damn—I mean darn—question! Can't you see she's perfectly happy? (She kneels down next to the bed, eyes the same level as her little girl. She speaks the following lines somewhat neurotically:) You are alright, aren't you? Why are you acting so strangely! Stop that crying! Why aren't you asleep? You should be asleep by now! You should be sleeping so that tomorrow you can wake up to the happy birds singing and you can have a perfectly happy day! GIRL: (Quietly whispers:) I'm...I'm afraid.

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(There is a long silence.) MOTHER: ...You're what? GIRL: I'm afraid, Mother. SISTER: Afraid? You can't be afraid! Being afraid of things makes you unhappy. MOTHER: What's there to be afraid about? Are you afraid of the dark? BROTHER: (A bit uncertain, taking it personally:) Why would she be afraid of the dark? There's no such thing as being afraid of the dark. I don't know anyone that's afraid of the dark. GIRL: (Still whispering:) I'm scared of the loud banging outside, and the really bright flashes. (Pause.) My heart is beating very, very fast. MOTHER: (Getting angry again:) Are you telling me that there's something wrong with your heart? (She starts a nervous giggle that becomes somewhat uncontrollable. Father sits down at the foot of the bed, holding his head in the hands.) GIRL: It's beating very, very fast, and I can't fall asleep. (There is a moment of silence. Girl holds her hands over her chest.) BROTHER: Maybe we should call the doctor? MOTHER: No. Nobody needs to know about this. We can mend this ourselves. (Sister steps forward, puts her ear next to her heart.) SISTER: Let me take have a listen! (There is a long pause. Sister looks up with a concerned face.) Something's not right.

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(Beat. After a second, everyone starts talking over each other. The room gets louder and louder.) BROTHER: Is she going to be okay? MOTHER: She'll be fine. We'll fix this. It's simple! (Turns to the Girl:) We'll just play some happy music and you are going to think happy thoughts. FATHER: Yes, sweetheart, think happy thoughts. (Mother turns a radio on from the bedside table. Cheerful MUSIC, perhaps "Put on A Happy Face," plays for a minute while the others stare in suspense. Outside the THUNDER only gets louder, and the Girl keeps shivering.) BROTHER: I don't think it's working. MOTHER: Of course it's working. It's just going to take a few minutes. SISTER: (Takes a step towards the Girl:) What's wrong with you! What's wrong with your heart! (Turns radio off. Starting up a nervous laughter.) MOTHER: We've got to do something about this. Don't you think? FATHER: Yes, yes, of course. We must do something about this. BROTHER: Is she going to be okay? MOTHER: She has a faulty heart. We'll just...we'll just have to replace it. FATHER: A faulty heart! That's it. We'll just replace it. MOTHER: (Increasingly more neurotic:) We can't have this in our home, not in our house. This is not how we do things. BROTHER: Is she going to be okay? GIRL: (Quietly, can barely be heard:) I'm afraid...

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SISTER: There's nothing to be afraid about! Stop shaking! BROTHER: I'm worried about her... MOTHER: (Loud enough to get everyone to stop talking:) YOU ARE NOT WORRIED YOU ARE PERFECTLY FINE. (Short pause.) Everyone just stay quiet. (Long silence. Turns to the sister:) Go down into the kitchen, bring me the carving knife. (Everyone freezes. Sister exits. Footsteps are heard running down the stairs.) GIRL: Why is she getting a knife?

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