Like You Like It Script KS

LIKE YOU LIKE IT THE MUSICAL

BOOK & LYRICS BY Sammy Buck MUSIC BY Daniel S. Acquisto

SHOW PERUSAL

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Cast of Characters

ROSALIND DUKE, a high school senior—she’s studious and always plays everything safe until she dresses as a frat dude named “Corey.” She transforms from scared to invincible, then ultimately to honest and open. She is smart and funny, and can quickly change back and forth between being a guy and a girl.

CELIA DUKE, Rosalind’s cousin and best friend. Also a high school senior, she is feisty and clever, if not too book smart. She knows she’s adorable and uses that to her advantage. She has to play an alter ego at the mall, a Madonna wannabe named LaDonna. Has a saucy edge.

ORLANDO BATEMAN, a senior varsity wrestler with the soul of a poet. Super popular but wants people to know him beyond the superficial.

OLIVER BATEMAN, Orlando’s resentful 19-year-old brother and truancy officer at the high school. Initially the villain, he gets a makeover and radiates beauty both inside and out.

WALTER “TOUCHTONE” JAMES, high school junior. The horny geek. Learns that love is more than lust.

AUDREY SHEPHERD, high school senior. The queen bee. Insufferable rich bully, she is secretly more vulnerable than anyone else in the story.

PHIL LIPSCHITZ, a senior, a work-study employee at Sausage on a Stick, very sweet and naïve. Realizes he’s gay.

SYLVIE FELDMAN, Phil’s best friend, a senior, also work-study at Sausage on a Stick, desperately in love with Phil. Comedienne who can play heartbreak.

JACKIE WEST, ageless, bitter, and sardonic rocker most likely on her way to the Betty Ford clinic. She’s the lead singer of The Seven Stages of Man, the band that plays the dance at the mall.

ENSEMBLE, plays the vulnerable FRESHMAN, Audrey’s minions (MALLORY and TIFFANY), JOCKS, GEEKS, GOTH KIDS, RICH KIDS, GIRL IN BACKBRACE, FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT, BURNOUT, other STUDENTS at school and at mall, and the MAKEOVER CREW.

Time 1985. Place Courtland High School and the Arden Mall.

Production Notes Like You Like It, on the surface, is Shakespeare’s As You Like It set at a mall in the 1980s. At its heart, though, it’s about the risks everyone takes for their first love. We have witnessed audiences across the board, whether they grew up in the ’80s or not, relate to the leaps of faith the characters take and the transformations they make. The music of Like You Like It is a theatrical 1980s pop/rock score and should be approached with an ’80s mindset. Most of the time, the music is meant to sound not like a specific ’80s song, but rather an amalgamation of several ’80s pop songs at once. The attempt was to create a score that would have the listener wonder if they had heard this song before or not—music that sounded familiar and brand-new simultaneously, not to mention dramatically serving the scene on stage.

Set The set can be as simple or as complex as you would like. The show is crafted similarly to a movie, so shifts in lighting and a multi-level set help the fast pace and multiple storylines and locations. We recommend you avoid blackouts.

Casting The script calls for a large cast, but all of the students outside of the principals can be consolidated into two or four utility players. Casts ranging from high school to Broadway professionals have found the show to be a challenge to learn but a joy to play, and one they could do over and over again.

Style The style of the show should be earnest and real. With the exception of the opening number, no one comments “oh, this is the ’80s.” It’s a show that happens to take place in that era, not ABOUT that era. The show’s humor should come from real emotion and, hopefully, grounded in a universal story that relates to all audiences. Alternate Language and Dialogue Please see appendix at the end of the script, which contains alternate lyrics and dialogue as indicated by the footnotes in the script. Like You Like It Vocal Ranges ROSALIND CELIA SYLVIE #œ œ bœ & & & nœ nœ nœ AUDREY JACKIE ORLANDO œ œ bœ & & V nœ œ œ

OLIVER TOUCHTONE PHIL œ œ œ V V V nœ bœ œ

ACT I

SCENE 1 COURTLAND HIGH SCHOOL

#1 LIKE YOU LIKE IT

(The band plays the MAGICAL ARDEN CHORD. CELIA DUKE, a high school senior, and WALTER “TOUCHTONE” JAMES, a horny junior geek in the vein of a 1980s movie, enter. CELIA counts off then sings—she is clearly the alpha)

CELIA One! Two! Three! Four! Perusal

I GOT A STORY. I GOT A STORY I GOT A STORY LIKE AN OLD MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE

CELIA & TOUCHTONE THERE WAS A SENIOR

CHORUS GIRL! Licensing CELIA & TOUCHTONE WHO LIKED A SENIOR

CHORUS BOY! PRODUCTION

CELIA & TOUCHTONE WHO GOT TOGETHER LIKE AN OLD MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE

ALL BroadwaySHE LIKED HIM. HE LIKEDFOR HER

CELIA BUT THERE WAS SOMEONE ELSE WHO LIKED HIM

NOT ALL PLUS A GEEK CHASING HER FRIEND SHE ENDS UP WITH AN UNEXPECTED GUY ADD A COUPLE MORE COUPLES—

TOUCHTONE Confused? So am I—

CELIA BUT IT ALL TURNS OUT LIKE YOU LIKE IT

TOUCHTONE LIKE AN OLD MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE

CELIA IT ALL GOES ON LIKE YOU LIKE IT

TOUCHTONE THAT THEY REPLAYED ON CABLE Perusal

CELIA ALL (BUT CELIA) AND REPLAYED AND REPLAYED AND REPLAYED REPLAYED AND REPLAYED REPLAYED AND REPLAYED REPLAYED Licensing ALL AND REPLAYED

CELIA BUT YOU WATCHED IT PRODUCTION

TOUCHTONE ’CAUSE YOU LIKED IT

ALL BroadwayLIKE YOU LIKE IT FOR

CELIA I’m Celia Duke and I’m a senior at Courtland High School, and if this were a movie, I’d be all voiceover-ing and whatever, but don’t worry, that’s so not going to happen. This horny package of troubleNOT is Walter James —

TOUCHTONE You can call me . . . Touchtone.

CELIA He’s a junior—

TOUCHTONE With the lust of a senior. I mean in high school, not a senior citizen. That’s a totally different story, like that movie Harold and Maude with Ruth Gordon. She was an old chick and he was a—2

CELIA Focus. Eyes front.

TOUCHTONE The story you’re gonna see here takes place in 1985 on the night of the grand opening of the Arden Mall. Perusal

CELIA You remember they mowed down the Arden Forest to make way for a Gap and a food court and the Cineplex and they had that cheesy commercial.

TOUCHTONE (Like a commercial) “They say the Arden Forest was an enchanted forest. Who knows, you might find enchantment in the shops at the Arden Mall.” Licensing (Back to normal)

I watch a lot of television.

CELIAPRODUCTION And that concludes the portion of the evening where we narrate. Yeah, we’re gonna be characters in the story now.

TOUCHTONE (As in Ferris Bueller—low voice) OhBroadway . . . yeah. Chicka-chickah. FOR

(STUDENTS enter in the bustle of school. ENSEMBLE members can appear and/or reappear as different folks apropos to a John Hughes ’80s teen movie—JOCK, FRESHMAN, CHEERLEEADER, GOTH GIRL, GIRLNOT IN A NECKBRACE , etc.)

TOUCHTONE IT WAS A FRIDAY. IT WAS SEPTEMBER IT WAS THE EIGHTIES. THAT’S WHY WE’RE DRESSED LIKE THIS 3

TOUCHTONE (CONT’D) YOU SEE THE HEADBANDS. YOU SEE THE IZODS DON’T BE DISGUSTED. WE ALL HAD TO DRESS LIKE THIS

(AUDREY SHEPHERD, the richest girl in school who knows it, holds court)

AUDREY Daddy says Arden is even bigger than the Galleria. And Daddy says I can invite any friends I want to a private shopping night. And—

(OLIVER BATEMAN, 19, the nefarious truancy officer, interrupts them) Perusal OLIVER And Mr. Duke says . . . any student caught skipping class to go to the mall will be expelled. He put me on special alert today.

AUDREY That’s harsh, Oliver.

OLIVER I know. I like it. Licensing ALL (À la Devo’s “Whip It”) Like you like it!

(TOUCHTONE finds CELIA—they’PRODUCTIONre “in the show” now)

CELIA You are breathing near me.

Broadway FORTOUCHTONE Celia, something big happened over the summer.

CELIA You finally went through puberty?

NOT TOUCHTONE I got my license—and I wear boxers now—so we could go driving, you and me, maybe to the mall tonight . . . and we could go to the dance—3

CELIA Okay, I’m a senior now, and I’m like morally obligated to go out with older guys, so um,

(Saying no)

yeah?

(She exits)

ALL (In rhythm) Like you like it!

(Seniors PHIL LIPSCHITZ and SYLVIE FELDMANPerusal sit and share their breakfast)

PHIL It’s a big step. Are you ready?

SYLVIE I’ve been ready.

PHIL There’s no one else I can imagineLicensing doing it with.

SYLVIE Me too.

PHILPRODUCTION And we’ll get out of school early!

SYLVIE Wait, for what? Broadway FOR PHIL Our work-study jobs at the mall. What did you think I was talking about?

CELIA WHOA, THAT’S A SUBPLOT. WE’RE THE REAL PLOT LIKE YOUNOT LIKE IT

(CELIA pulls in ROSALIND DUKE. TOUCHTONE and JOCKS lead in ORLANDO BATEMAN, senior varsity wrestler) 5 JOCK Bateman! Bateman! Bateman!

TOUCHTONE (Out of rhythm with them) Bateman! (JOCKS deliver ORLANDO to his locker, opposite CELIA and ROSALIND. He high-fives everyone)

ROSALIND I am going to ask him out.

CELIA Hello, broken record. Get a new mantra.

ROSALIND Celia, today is different. I’m actually going to talk to him and not act like a total dweeb.

CELIA Oh, come on. Orlando Bateman makes you totally mental.

ROSALIND New mall. Big dance. New attitude.

CELIA He’s standing over there.

ROSALIND Hide me.

ALL (BUT ROSALIND/CELIA/ORLANDO) ROSALIND, “STRAIGHT-A” BABE

CELIA Broadway(Aside, empathetic) Licensing Perusal BUT WAY DOWN DEEP SHE THINKS SHE’S A LOSER

ALL (BUT ROSALIND/CELIA/ORLANDO) CELIA DUKE,NOT COUSIN FOR AND FRIEND PRODUCTION TOUCHTONE HER DAD’S THE PRINCIPAL, AND THEY ALWAYS FIGHT BECAUSE HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND—

CELIA (In rhythm) Too much info!

TOUCHTONE (In rhythm) Yeah, you’re right.

ALL BUT THEY ALL MAKE UP LIKE YOU LIKE IT

CELIA LIKE AN EPISODE OF OPRAH Perusal ALL IT ALL GOES ON LIKE YOU LIKE IT

CELIA BEFORE SHE LOST THE WEIGHT

ALL THEN GAINED IT BACK, THEN LOST IT BACK, THEN GAINED THEN LOST THEN GAINED THEN LOST THEN GAINED THEN LOST THEN GAINED THEN LOST THEN Licensing (ORLANDO sees ROSALIND. There’s a plink in the music)

ROSALIND THERE HE IS— PRODUCTION CELIA YOU GOTTA SAY HELLO.

ROSALIND BroadwayDOES HE EVEN SEE ME?FOR

CELIA COME ON, GO.

ROSALIND & CELIA GOTTA TELLNOT HIM HOW I/YOU—

(AUDREY grabs ORLANDO in a tight hug)

AUDREY Orlando!

(Startled, CELIA and ROSALIND look at each other. ORLANDO stares at AUDREY)

ORLANDO Audrey!

ROSALIND Audrey?

CELIA Auuuuudreeeeey! Perusal

(They freeze)

TOUCHTONE I SMELL A CATFIGHT! IT’S SO EXCITING! I CAN’T IMAGINE WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENS NEXT

(They disperse on their way to class)

CELIA MORE THAN A MOVIE,Licensing MORE LIKE IN SHAKESPEARE WELL, MORE LIKE CLIFFS NOTES

(Spoken/sung)

Hey, it’s not like sacred text. PRODUCTION

ALL PLANS GET MADE, PLANS GO WRONG AND NO ONE GETS EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANTED BroadwayBUT WE’LL SEE WHO GETSFOR WHO

CELIA WHEN EVERYBODY WINDS UP AT THE MALL

ALL FOR THENOT BIGGEST SOCIAL EVENT OF THE FALL

CELIA & TOUCHTONE WHERE EVERYBODY’S DESTINY GETS AN OVERHAUL

ALL WHEN IT ALL ENDS UP LIKE YOU LIKE IT

ROSALIND I WANNA KNOW HIM

CELIA SHE’S GONNA NEED ME

ALL ALL GOES ON LIKE YOU LIKE IT

SYLVIE I WANNA ASK HIM Perusal

PHIL I GOTTA TELL HER

ALL ALL GOES ON LIKE YOU LIKE IT

TOUCHTONE I’M GONNA GET SOME Licensing AUDREY (In rhythm) I gotta do my nails.

OLIVERPRODUCTION (In rhythm) You gotta get to class.

CELIA WE GOTTA GET IT STARTED Broadway FOR (Dance break, then)

ALL LIKE YOU LIKE IT! NOT (Song ends. Immediate transition into)

SCENE 2A HALLWAY

#1A TRANSITION TO SCHOOL

(The bell rings and everyone scatters to reveal: CELIA and ROSALIND, the latter reading from note cards. Opposite, AUDREY kisses ORLANDO)

ROSALIND Okay, I practiced. “Hello, Orlando.”

(Flips card) Perusal

“I’m Rosalind.”

(Flips card)

“You might know me from—”

CELIA Um, pathetic much? Just go up to him and be yourself. Licensing ROSALIND Yeah, that never works.

(Sees him) PRODUCTION Shhh. He’s right there.

AUDREY (To ORLANDO) I was thinking after the dance at the mall tonight, let’s have the after-party at your house. Broadway FOR ORLANDO I don’t know —

AUDREY I thought it throughNOT—and it’s perfect.

ORLANDO Nah, I just—

AUDREY Come on, your parents are dead. It’s not like they’re around to ground you.

(ORLANDO’S mortified)

AUDREY Ohmigod, what was I thinking? Oliver still lives there. Your brother has it out for you. ORLANDO. Yeah, thanks for the insight. I gotta get outta here.

(ORLANDO exits. Audrey’s minions, TIFFANY and MALLORY, flock to her)

ROSALIND I’ll take an order of inappropriate— Perusal

CELIA With a side of clueless.

AUDREY I can hear you, Rosabland. I know you’re all about Orlando, but um, have you noticed that I’m me and you’re you?

CELIA Are you threatened? Licensing

AUDREY No.

TIFFANYPRODUCTION What would Rosalind do with Orlando?

MALLORY Study? Broadway FOR (They laugh. AUDREY turns to exit, then)

AUDREY Celia—your outfit. Rethink it.

(SheNOT and her minions exit)

ROSALIND She can’t be what Orlando wants. After all he’s been through? 11

CELIA So make a move.

ROSALIND I can’t compete with her. She has a flawless bod and her dad owns the new mall. My dad owns . . . a used Pinto.

CELIA But Orlando is clearly on the outs with her.

ROSALIND I’m not stealing another girl’s boyfriend just because he deserves happiness and she would erode every iota of joy from his life. Perusal CELIA It’s the first week of your last year of high school. Tonight will determine your fate for the rest of the year and maybe the rest of your life. Take a risk. I’ll help you think of something. Just stop playing it safe.

(The bell rings. Transition to)

Licensing

PRODUCTION

Broadway FOR

NOT

SCENE 2B CLASSROOM

#2 BE A LITTLE WILD

(STUDENTS sit in class. Note: The teacher’s voice should sound monotone, à la Ben Stein in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off)

TEACHER (V.O.) Anderson?

STUDENT 1 Here. Perusal

TEACHER (V.O.) Baldwin?

STUDENT 2 Here.

TEACHER (V.O.) Bateman? Bateman? Has anyone seen Orlando Bateman?

LicensingROSALIND YOU PLAY IT SO SAFE. YOU WAKE UP HALF PAST SIX NEVER HITTING THE SNOOZE, THEN YOU GO EAT YOUR KIX GET TO SCHOOL BRIGHT AND EARLY, PARK IN FRONT OF THE DOOR AND YOU DID ALL YOUR HOMEWORK THE NIGHT BEFORE BUT YOU READ AHEAD ANYWAY—PRODUCTION

(In rhythm)

Ugh! You’re a bore. Broadway FOR STUDENT NEAREST ROSALIND (Having heard the last lin) Oh yeah, and you’re so exciting.

ROSALIND SAFE! YOUNOT ALWAYS PLAY IT SAFE

OR . . .

ROSALIND (CONT’D) I COULD BE A LITTLE WILD, CAUSE A LITTLE MISCHIEF MAKE A SMALL MISTAKE, RUN A YELLOW LIGHT BE A LITTLE WILD, START A LITTLE RUCKUS HAVE A MR. PIBB INSTEAD OF DIET SPRITE GET TO SCHOOL ON TIME INSTEAD OF ALWAYS EARLY SKIP ALONG THE SIDEWALK, STEP ON EVERY CRACK BE A LITTLE BOLD, FORGET TO PACK YOUR LUNCH AND BORROW SOMEONE’S DOLLAR, NEVER PAY ’EM BACK

TEACHER (V.O.) Rosalind!

ROSALIND Perusal Yeah?

TEACHER (V.O.) I asked you a question.

ROSALIND The answer is I don’t know?

TEACHER (V.O.) I asked if you were here. Licensing

ROSALIND Oh. Then the answer is . . .

(Like a slacker) PRODUCTION “Yeah.”

(In her own world now, ROSALIND turns back to the audience, and the other STUDENTS’ movements step out of rhythm, as if they are Broadwayrepresenting her “wild”FOR side)

ROSALIND BE A LITTLE WILD, DON’T TURN IN YOUR HOMEWORK SAY YOUR DOGGY ATE IT THEN HID IT IN THE YARD BE A LITTLE BAD, MAKE A B-MINUS SPINDLE,NOT FOLD, OR MUTILATE YOUR SCANTRON CARD MAKE YOUR MOTHER MAD, DON’T CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM THEN GO OUT IN THE COLD, DON’T BUTTON UP YOUR COAT BREAK A COUPLE RULES, STAY UP PAST ELEVEN GET A FAKE ID, FIND A PLACE TO VOTE 14

ROSALIND (CONT’D) NO MORE STUDYING NIGHTLY NO MORE BUSTING MY ASS

Oh gosh.

TIME TO GET A LIFE OUTSIDE OF CLASS TIME TO FIND A REAL TEST TO PASS

(The bell rings. STUDENTS disperse. CELIA finds ROSALIND)

CELIA He didn’t show up for English, but I know he’s still at school. Touchtone told me he had an Orlando sighting near the gym. Perusal

ROSALIND Then we’re going to the gym. I gotta talk to him.

CELIA You know I worship you, but that’s gonna take the kind of cojones you don’t have.7

ROSALIND No, you watch. We’re going to the gym! Licensing ROSALIND CHORUS NO MORE STEADY AND NO MORE—AHHH CAREFUL NO MORE QUIET AND SHY. NO MORE—AHHH IT’S TIME TO TELL THE IT’S TIME, IT’S TIME GOOD GIRL GOODBYE PRODUCTION IT’S TIME, IT’S REALLY TIME TO GET THE GIRL IT’S TIME, IT’S TIME TO GET HER GUY AHHHH

ROSALIND & CHORUS BroadwayTAKE A GIANT BREATH. FOR SHOW A LITTLE COURAGE MAKE A MAJOR MOVE

ROSALIND FIND OUT WHERE HE IS STOP HIM IN HIS TRACKS. GRAB A RANDOM PENCIL SHOW ITNOT TO HIS FACE. ASK HIM IF IT’S HIS DON’T RUN AWAY. DON’T LOSE YOUR BREAKFAST HAVE A CONVERSATION. LOOK HIM IN THE EYE

ROSALIND & CHORUS BE A LITTLE WILD. TELL THE BOY HELLO SEE WHERE IT’LL LEAD. YOU WON’T KNOW UNLESS YOU TRY!

(Song ends. Transition to...)

Perusal

Licensing

PRODUCTION

Broadway FOR

NOT

SCENE 3A HALLWAY

(Lights shift to OLIVER, prowling the hall, passing STUDENTS)

OLIVER Get to class.

(To ORLANDO)

Watch the boots. They were expensive. Good thing I got a nice wad of cash . . . when I sold Dad’s guitar.

ORLANDO Perusal (Simmering, then) What? You know Dad wanted me to have it.

OLIVER There’s nothing about a guitar in Mom and Dad’s will.

ORLANDO It belongs to me.

LicensingOLIVER Doesn’t everything?

ORLANDO Stop blaming your life on me. I’m not responsible for their accident. PRODUCTION OLIVER Yeah, you keep on thinking that. Get to class.

(OLIVER marches away. JOCKS find ORLANDO) Broadway FOR JOCK 1 Dude, you totally rocked in last night’s scrimmage.

JOCK 2 Welcome back toNOT the team!

JOCK 3 Yeah, it was stupid to take a year off.

ORLANDO Dude. Other things on my mind.

JOCK 1 No doubt. Audrey Shepherd’s worth it.

#3 ORLANDO

ORLANDO Yeah, but I meant—

JOCK 2 You gonna be ready for the season? Perusal

ORLANDO Sure—

JOCK 3 You gotta focus.

ORLANDO Of course. Licensing JOCK 1 ’Cause we’re counting on you.

ORLANDO OH YEAH, EVERYTHING’S GREAT YOU BET I’M GONNA MAKE WEIGHTPRODUCTION AND TAKE US STRAIGHT TO STATE

JOCKS WE GOT ORLANDO! BroadwayTHE CHAMP WHO’S NEVEFORR GONE DOWN

ORLANDO I’LL TRAMPLE EVEN THE BEST

JOCKS WE GOTNOT ORLANDO ANYTHING YOU DO LEAVES EVERYONE IMPRESSED

(The JOCKS lead ORLANDO through the halls. He tries to get away) 18

BOY 1 HE GOT MY VOTE FOR STUDENT COUNCIL

GIRL 1 HE DIDN’T RUN

BOY 1 I WROTE HIM IN

GIRL 2 HE SAW ME ONCE AT MY LOCKER HE SAID, “HEY, LEEANNE”

BOY 2 Perusal BUT YOUR NAME IS LYNN

GIRL 2 (In rhythm) So?

AUDREY HE’S GOT ALL THE RIGHT STUFF HE’S SO BODACIOUS AND BUFF AND HE’S MINE Licensing (To MALLORY and TIFFANY, in rhythm)

So, tough!

YOU DON’T GET ORLANDO PRODUCTION

GIRLS SO WHAT? WE CAN STILL LOOK HIS BUTT IS TOTALLY FINE Broadway FOR GUYS (Depressed and jealous) EVERYBODY WANTS ORLANDO

GIRLS I’LL DONOT ANYTHING TO MAKE ORLANDO MINE

GIRL 3 MY FRIEND’S FRIEND’S BROTHER SERVED HIM ICE CREAM

GIRL 3 (CONT’D) HIS FAVORITE FLAVOR IS CHOCOLATE CHIP

GIRL 4 MINE TOO!

BOY 3 I HEAR HE RESCUED A DOG FROM DROWNING

BOY 4 AND WRESTLED A SHARK ON A SCUBA TRIP

(Lights shift to the GOTH KIDS, watching everyone clamoring for ORLANDO’s attention) Perusal

GOTH 1 (In rhythm) Ohmigod! He worked for the Peace Corps

CHORUS EVERYBODY WANTS

GOTH 2 CHORUS PRESIDENT REAGAN CALLED HIM “DUDE”Licensing EVERYBODY WANTS

GOTH 3 HE BOBSLEDDED IN THE OLYMPICS. EVERYBODY WANTS PRODUCTION GOTH 4 HE HIKED UP KILIMANJARO EVERYBODY

GOTH 5 BroadwayHE BRUSHES FOR

GOTH 6 HE FLOSSES

NOT GOTH 7 HE EATS FOOD!

(Lights down on everyone except ORLANDO)

ORLANDO DON’T NEED THE CHEERING CROWD IT’S ALL WAY TOO LOUD EVERYBODY WANTS ORLANDO BUT I WANT— I WANT TO MAKE MY MOM AND DAD PROUD WIN OR LOSE, I’M BACK IN THE GAME FOR THEM I KNOW THEY’LL CHEER ME ON WHEN I’M OUT ON MY OWN AND IF SOMEONE COULD GET THAT JUST ONE, THEN I’LL NEVER BE ALONE Perusal (Lights back up on the clamoring crowd)

AUDREY & CHORUS HE’S GOT ALL THE GOOD LUCK HE’S, LIKE, SO CAREFREE

AUDREY ORLANDO I GOT ORLANDO GONNA FIND MY SOMEONE

JOCKS Licensing WE GOT ORLANDO GONNA FIND MY SOMEONE

ALL MAYBE WE CAN GET TO BE PRODUCTION ALL ORLANDO SEEN WITH ORLANDO GONNA FIND MY EVERYBODY WANTS A SOMEONE PART OF WHO’LL GET BroadwayORLANDO! ORLANDO! FOR ME

(Song ends. The bell rings. ORLANDO breaks away from the group. Elsewhere, ROSALIND and CELIA enter, opposite. TOUCHTONE pops in their path)

NOT TOUCHTONE Celia, I’m wearing cologne. It’s Polo.

CELIA Touchtone, how many times do I have to tell you? I’m not getting in your car alone with you. Flee.

(TOUCHTONE heads back to a GEEK)

GEEK Smooth move, ex-lax.

TOUCHTONE Don’t worry, my man. The Touchtone will touch down.

(TOUCHTONE and the GEEK exit. ROSALIND and CELIA continue. A light finds ORLANDO standing at a Perusalpay phone, impatient)

ORLANDO I told you—it’s a Gretsch guitar. Chet Atkins model . . .

ROSALIND He looks so angry.

CELIA That totally makes him look hotter.Licensing

ORLANDO Well, do you know of any other pawn shops? . . . Yes, I’ve called every Sound Emporium in the city . . . PRODUCTION (Pissed, he slams the phone down. Bell rings)

ROSALIND He’s skipping class. Broadway FOR CELIA And so are we.

ROSALIND Your father would be kinda mad that the principal’s daughter’s skipping. NOT CELIA He wouldn’t notice. He’s too busy banging my ex-babysitter. Ohmigod, that was totally out loud.8 22

ROSALIND I have to go to trig. I’m only making an A-minus; I’m leaving.

CELIA Why worry about your A-minus when there’s an A-plus standing right over there? You really wanna stop hiding? Grow a pair and go.9

(CELIA pushes ROSALIND into ORLANDO)

#4 IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN10

(They linger, staring) Perusal CELIA (Coaching in a whisper) Aren’t you in my English class?

(ROSALIND and ORLANDO don’t notice her. CELIA exits, shaking her head)

ROSALIND You’re Orlando. Licensing ORLANDO You’re Rosalind.

BOTH How did you— I saw you in— PRODUCTION ORLANDO We have Chemistry together.

(They sing their inner thoughts away from each other. Their dialogue Broadwayis toward each other FOR)

ROSALIND HOLY CRAP, HE’S TALKING TO ME

NOT ORLANDO I mean fourth period. Ms. Johnsen.

ROSALIND HOLY CRAP, HE’S STILL TALKING TO ME 23

ORLANDO You sit near the Bunsen burners.

ROSALIND MAYBE HE MIGHT THINK THAT I’M NOT A FREAK ’CAUSE HE’S STANDING IN FRONT OF ME WHOA-OH-OH-OH IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN I’VE WAITED LONG ENOUGH TO SAY SOMETHING SAY ANYTHING IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN IT’S THE MOMENT I’VE BEEN DREAMING OF DON’T BLOW IT JUST GO WITH IT SAY HELLO Perusal

Is this your pencil?

ORLANDO HOLY CRAP, SHE’S TALKING TO ME

ROSALIND It has an eraser and lead in it. Licensing ORLANDO AND FOR ONCE I’M NOT RUNNING AWAY

ROSALIND I think it’s a number two. PRODUCTION ORLANDO EVEN IF I SCREW IT UP WHEN I SPEAK I’LL BE STANDING IN FRONT OF HER WHOA-OH-OH-OH BroadwayIT COULD TOTALLY HAPFORPEN I’VE WAITED LONG ENOUGH TO TRY SOMETHING ACT REALLY SMART THAT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN IT’S THE MOMENT I’VE BEEN HOPING FOR DON’T BLOW IT JUST GONOT WITH IT SAY . . . ORLANDO I’ve seen you at my wrestling matches.

ROSALIND Yeah. I like the way you . . . pin?

ROSALIND & ORLANDO We should get to class.

OH WOW, WE THINK ALIKE! HELLO, IT’S DESTINY! WE’RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER!

ORLANDO I’LL TAKE HER TO THE DANCE TONIGHT

ROSALIND Perusal WE’RE GETTING MARRIED AFTER COLLEGE

ORLANDO I’M GONNA WALK HER HOME

ROSALIND WE’LL BUY A HOUSE ON A CUL-DE-SAC

ORLANDO AND MAYBE A CHANCELicensing—

ROSALIND WE’LL HAVE TWO KIDS

ORLANDOPRODUCTION FOR MAYBE A KISS

ROSALIND REBECCA AND JACK Broadway FOR ORLANDO AND I CAN SEE US IN THE HALLS AT SCHOOL

ROSALIND AND I CAN SEE US GROWING OLD AND NOT ORLANDO HOLDING HANDS

ROSALIND HOLDING HANDS

ROSALIND & ORLANDO IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN CAN’T WAIT A MINUTE MORE TO SAY—

ROSALIND YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL SAY

ORLANDO YOU’RE EVERYTHING Perusal

ROSALIND & ORLANDO YOU’RE THE ONE I WANT TO KNOW!

(They look at each other, about to say something, then look away)

OR I COULD SAY HELLO IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN HELLO SEE IT’S TOTALLY HAPPENINGLicensing

(Finally to each other)

HELLO PRODUCTION (Song ends. CELIA runs in. OLIVER follows)

CELIA Oliver alert! Oliver alert! Broadway FOR OLIVER Celia—you come back here.

(Sees ORLANDO and ROSALIND) NOT Orlando? Rosalind? Why isn’t anyone in class? The bell rang!

CELIA Oh did it? I didn’t notice. I was thinking about you. Not. 26

ORLANDO We were only talking.

OLIVER You and Rosalind? That’s . . . daring. Rosalind, you’re suspended.

ROSALIND & ORLANDO What?

ROSALIND Why?

OLIVER Mr. Duke said anyone caught skipping would be suspended.Perusal

ROSALIND No, this goes on my permanent record.

ORLANDO Come on, Oliver. Don’t do this.

OLIVER Don’t worry, Orlando. You’re not suspended. You just get detention. Oh, and I get the pleasure of telling everyone I caughtLicensing you and Rosalind hangin’.

ROSALIND & ORLANDO What?

CELIAPRODUCTION He’s just trying to separate the two of you. Power-hungry loser.

OLIVER I am the truancy officer of this school. Mr. Duke said I can do anything I see fit to enforce hisBroadway rules. FOR

CELIA So suspend his daughter. I dare you.

OLIVER Worse. I’ll sendNOT you to his office.

CELIA Do it, big shot. Suspend me.

ROSALIND Celia, come on.

CELIA You’re just a glorified hall monitor who couldn’t get into community college!

OLIVER You’re both out of here! Orlando, come with me.

(STUDENTS gather, AUDREY at the forefront)

AUDREY What’s all the drama? You’re totally distracting us from Mr. Pratt’s toupee. Perusal OLIVER Go back to class. All of you!

AUDREY Orlando? Wait— Rosalind? Whoa— Audrey needs explanation!

ORLANDO Rosalind and I were only talking, but you know, it’s just, she—she just came up and talked to me like—nothing happened. Or is gonna. Licensing ROSALIND What? I thought you were all . . . but . . . I was so wrong about you.

OLIVER EVERYBODY GET TO CLASS! Orlando, comePRODUCTION with me. Celia, Rosalind, if you’re caught anywhere other than your home, you’ll be expelled.

#5 GOTTA GET OUT

Broadway(STUDENTS disperse FOR. OLIVER carts off ORLANDO. AUDREY turns to ROSALIND)

AUDREY I’m gonna spell it out for you: Orlando isn’t interested. And if you’re thinking about going to the mall, don’t. NOT CELIA Why not?

AUDREY If you show up there, I’ll have my daddy’s people arrest you for trespassing. Understand? Oliver, wait up! Orlando!

Perusal

Licensing

PRODUCTION

Broadway FOR

NOT

SCENE 3B VARIOUS COURTLAND LOCATIONS / TRANSITION TO MALL

(Music continues. AUDREY exits. The bell rings)

ROSALIND This is not happening.

CELIA So unfair! I know Orlando likes you. It’s Audrey.

ROSALIND Have you noticed we’re suspended? Perusal CELIA I can talk to my dad and clear it up.

ROSALIND You can hardly talk to him over breakfast.

CELIA Okay, Plan B. Don’t worry, I’ll think of something.

LicensingROSALIND I’m in so much trouble. I can’t go home. My parents’ll kill me if they find out I’m suspended. But if I don’t go home, I’ll be—

CELIA Expelled. PRODUCTION

ROSALIND I PLAY IT SAFE, NEVER PUT UP A FIGHT WHY IS EVERYTHING WRONG WHEN I DO EVERYTHING RIGHT?

Broadway FORCELIA BUT WITH EVERYTHING LOST YOU’VE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE IT’S TIME THAT ROSALIND LIGHTS HER FUSE

CHORUS TIME TONOT BE A LITTLE WILD!

(An exciting vamp pulsates)

CELIA There is no way we’re going home.

ROSALIND So where can we go?

CELIA Somewhere exotic. Somewhere dangerous.

AREN’T YA HUNGRY FOR A CHANGE OF PACE? COME-UH-COME ESCAPE TO A MAGIC PLACE WHERE WE’LL THINK REAL CLEAR AND BE TRULY US WHILE WE HANG AT ORANGE JULIUS GOTTA GET OUT, GOTTA GET OUT, GOTTA GETPerusal OUT TO THE MA-A-A-ALL

(Trying harder to convince ROSALIND)

GOTTA GET OUT, GOTTA GET OUT, GOTTA GET OUT TO THE MA-A-A-ALL

ROSALIND SO OUR DAY WAS TURNING INTO CRAP.11NOW WE’LL DISAPPEAR AND “FALL INTO THE GAP” AM I DROOLING? YES,Licensing I THINK I AM SO THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE GOING ON THE LAM GOTTA BREAK OUT, GOTTA BREAK OUT, GOTTA BREAK OUT AT THE MA-A-A-ALL

ROSALINDPRODUCTION & CELIA GOTTA BREAK OUT, GOTTA BREAK OUT, GOTTA BREAK OUT AT THE MA-ALL

CELIA Arden! Broadway FOR ROSALIND Wait! You heard Audrey—we’ll get arrested.

CELIA We’ll go in disguise.NOT

ROSALIND As boys!

CELIA Yeah, I saw that movie, too, but, um, Yentl, there is no ace bandage on earth that’s gonna flatten out these puppies.12

ROSALIND So I’ll be a guy and you can dress like Madonna.

CELIA Oh how 1983!

ROSALIND STICK WITH ME AND YOU’LL BE GREAT

CELIA Perusal LET’S GET GOING, I CAN’T WAIT

ROSALIND & CELIA SET YOUR SWATCH AND DON’T BE LATE WONDER TWIN POWERS ACTIVATE!

(They fist-bump. Lights up on TOUCHTONE, with a phone)

TOUCHTONE Attendance office. Work-studyLicensing student Walter James speaking.

CELIA It’s Celia.

TOUCHTONEPRODUCTION Celia, grrrrowl. Wait, shouldn’t you be in class?

CELIA I have a little proposition for you, Touchtone.

Broadway FORTOUCHTONE Proposition—ooooh, I love the “P” word.

CELIA Find a disguise. We’re going on a little adventure. Arden. NOT TOUCHTONE You and me at Arden? Me likey. We’ll meet at the “Touchmobile.”

(Hangs up, then to audience)

TOUCHTONE (CONT’D) GONNA MAKE OUT! GONNA MAKE OUT! GONNA MAKE OUT AT THE MA-A-A-ALL!

(OLIVER leads ORLANDO, STUDENTS passing by)

OLIVER (To STUDENTS) Excuse us, excuse us please.

ORLANDO What are you going to do? Call my parents? Perusal

OLIVER Nah, I’m just going to let your legal guardian take care of things.

ORLANDO I’ll walk.

OLIVER Then walk. It’ll go perfectly in my report. Licensing ORLANDO You really want me out of here? Fine, I’m gone.

(ORLANDO runs off behind the STUDENTS. Opposite, CELIA and ROSALIND skulk by) PRODUCTION

CELIA THERE’S SIXTY ACRES OF THREE HUNDRED STORES UP AND DOWN ESCALATORS ON ALL FIVE FLOORS

Broadway FORROSALIND IF WE LOSE OUR WAY, WHY SHOULD WE CARE? WE’LL BE SHOPPING FOR ADVENTURE LIKE A DOUBLE DARE

(ORLANDO rounds the corner and runs into TOUCHTONE. TOUCHTONE hides a wad of clothes) NOT ORLANDO Where are you running off to?

TOUCHTONE Secret mission for my lady, Celia.

ORLANDO Celia Duke?

TOUCHTONE Yeah, I’m taking my girlfriend to the mall. We’ll be all alone in my car—well, except for Rosalind.

ORLANDO You’re taking them to Arden?

TOUCHTONE Perusal I’ve said too much.

(TOUCHTONE runs off. STUDENTS cross. OLIVER runs on, searching for ORLANDO)

CHORUS GOTTA FIND OUT, GOTTA FIND OUT, GOTTA FIND OUT IN THE MA-A-A-ALL

(OLIVER waits a moment,Licensing hears ORLANDO)

ORLANDO GOTTA FIND OUT, GOTTA FIND OUT, GOTTA FIND HER IN THE MALL!

(ORLANDO runs off. Opposite, AUDREYPRODUCTION enters)

AUDREY Has anyone seen Orlando? Hello? EXCUSE ME, answer me. Don’t you know who I am?!

Broadway FORFRESHMAN I’m just a freshman.

(To the audience, plaintive)

I AM JUSTNOT A FRESHMAN . I’VE BEEN HERE FOR ONLY FIVE DAYS AND I’VE ALREADY BEEN BEATEN UP ON FOUR OF THEM AND I—

AUDREY Gag me!

(The FRESHMAN sighs pathetically. Lights shift to TOUCHTONE, running to CELIA. He helps CELIA disguise herself as a Madonna wannabe)

TOUCHTONE HERE’S YOUR LEG WARMERS AND A LACY SKIRT ONE FUNKY GLOVE

(À la Michael Jackson) Perusal Woo-hoo!

AND OH, HERE’S A BRACELET AND A BRACELET, AND A BRACELET AND A BRACELET, AND A BRACELET BRACELET, BRACELET, BRACELET!

(ROSALIND appears dressed as “COREY”—a college frat guy— until otherwise noted) Licensing ROSALIND Call me Corey.

CELIA Call me . . . PRODUCTION TOUCHTONE LA-Donna!

ROSALIND Let’sBroadway blow this popsicle stand! FOR

ROSALIND / CELIA / TOUCHTONE GOTTA GET OUT!

(ORLANDONOT, OLIVER , and AUDREY appear in three different areas)

ORLANDO GOTTA BREAK OUT! 35

AUDREY & OLIVER GOTTA FIND OUT! (The principal players weave through a wall of STUDENTS)

CHORUS GOTTA GET OUT

ORLANDO & TOUCHTONE I’LL FINALLY GET HER

CHORUS GOTTA BREAK OUT

ROSALIND & CELIA Perusal WE’RE GONNA BREAK FREE

CHORUS GOTTA FIND OUT

AUDREY & OLIVER YOU BET I’LL FIND YOU—OOOOOOOOOO

ALL GOTTA MOVE ON, GOTTALicensing MOVE ON, GOTTA MOVE ON TO THE MALL

ALL ANYONE WHO CAN BELT (Preferably CELIA) GOTTA MOVE ON MOVING ON GOTTA MOVE ON PRODUCTION GOTTA MOVE ON TO THE MA-AH-AH- YEAH YEAH YEAH AH-AH-AH- AH-AH-AH-ALL! Broadway FOR (The wall of STUDENTS fades back as the stage magically transforms into the mall, revealing ROSALIND, CELIA [in disguise as a Madonna wannabe], and TOUCHTONE)

CELIA I’VE NEVERNOT SEEN A PL ACE SO BEAUTIFUL! I’M FIN’LY HOME

(ORLANDO appears on the other side)

ORLANDO I’VE NEVER SEEN A PLACE SO BIG BEFORE. WHERE DO I LOOK?

ROSALIND LOOK AT WHAT THE MAP SAYS: “YOU ARE HERE!”

ORLANDO IS SHE HERE?

ROSALIND & CELIA WE’RE FIN’LY HERE! STUDENTS STILL AT SCHOOL. WE WANT FREEDOM

ROSALIND / CELIA / TOUCHTONE / PerusalORLANDO WE GOT THE CHANCE NOW STUDENTS STILL AT SCHOOL. REACH FOR FREEDOM

ROSALIND / CELIA / TOUCHTONE / ORLANDO WE GOT THE CHANCE NOW STUDENTS STILL AT SCHOOL. GRAB OUR FREEDOM

ROSALIND / CELIA / TOUCHTONE / ORLANDO WE GOT THE CHANCE NOW ALL. WE WANT FREEDOM! LET’S TAKE A CHANCE! Licensing ROSALIND AND I’M GONNA BE WEARING THE PANTS NOW!

ALL WE CAN TAKE A RISK, LET DOWN OURPRODUCTION GUARD

CELIA IT’S LIBERATION WITH A MASTERCARD!

ALL BroadwayA WHOLE NEW WORLD FOR WITH SO MUCH TO SEE ALL THE WORLD’S A MALL, AND THAT’S WHY WE GOTTA GET OUT, GOTTA BREAK OUT, GOTTA FIND OUT AT THE MA-A-A-ALL! GOTTA GET OUT, GOTTA BREAK OUT, GOTTA FIND OUT AT THE NOTMA-A-A-ALL! GOTTA GET OUT! GOTTA BREAK OUT! GOTTA FIND OUT! AT THE MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL!

(Song ends. Everyone scatters) 37

SCENE 4 ARDEN MALL FOOD COURT / SAUSAGE ON A STICK

(SYLVIE and PHIL appear, wielding sausages and wearing their garish, lederhosen-esque Sausage on a Stick uniforms)

SYLVIE Try a sample—

PHIL Have a little—

SYLVIE It’s a yummy sausage— Perusal

PHIL On a stick—

SYLVIE Lemonade! We squeeze fresh lemons.

PHIL Attention must be paid! Licensing (JACKIE WEST, a hungover rocker chick on a path to the Betty Ford Clinic, enters)

JACKIE Loud. Very loud. PRODUCTION

PHIL Ohmigod, Sylvie, it’s Jackie West.

Broadway FORSYLVIE No way!

JACKIE Food. Court. Where. Is.

NOT PHIL Right here, Ms. West.

JACKIE I’m looking for my band. Maybe you’ve heard of them, The Seven Stages of Man?

SYLVIE Is this them?

(She points to the onstage band)

JACKIE Hey boys, so I’m here like you wanted. Six hours ahead of time.

(To the guitarist)

When is our sound check? Perusal

(The guitarist shrugs)

JACKIE Be more useful.

SYLVIE We’re so excited you’re playing the dance.

LicensingJACKIE At a mall. How far I’ve come.

SYLVIE Doesn’t Tiffany play at malls? PRODUCTION JACKIE Let me tell you something about that poser. She stole the one true love of my life and left me holding her curlers.

Broadway FORPHIL Well, you’re so much hotter than her.

JACKIE I like you, kid. Don’t ever fall in love.

(SheNOT exits. PHIL turns to SYLVIE)

PHIL How awesome was that. It’s like meeting Madonna, Cyndi Lauper and Shirley MacLaine all at the same time. I might die when the dance contest starts.

SYLVIE Gosh, Phil, I wish I had a date for the dance contest.

PHIL We’re dancing together—I taught you that Janet Jackson move.

SYLVIE But is it a date?

PHIL Perusal I’m going to go stock up on the buns.

SYLVIE But Phil, we’re Sausage on a Stick.

(Opposite, ROSALIND, CELIA, and TOUCHTONE enter. He’s trailing CELIA a bit too closely)

ROSALIND Look at the time. It’s sixth period.Licensing Hmm, WHO CARES!

(Surprised at herself)

I love it here. It’s like I’m a different person. PRODUCTION CELIA Um, yeah, you’re in a disguise. Ohmigod, sale on miniskirts!

ROSALIND Doesn’t your dad’s credit card have a limit? Broadway FOR CELIA It’s not a limit. It’s a challenge.

(Finally annoyed, to TOUCHTONE) NOT Hands.

TOUCHTONE Kiss me.

CELIA Are you twisted?

TOUCHTONE You’re not trying to get away from me. You want me.

(Inching toward her, staring)

You want me. CELIA Can we please get a drink? Perusal

ROSALIND Gladly.13

(She heads toward SYLVIE, then retreats)

ROSALIND That’s Sylvie Feldman. She’s totally going to recognize us.

LicensingCELIA No problem. She won’t recognize a college guy, right?

(ROSALIND walks, catches herself walking like a girl, then straightens and struts. Whenever ROSALIND is in a scene “acting like a boy,” she will be referred to as “PRODUCTIONROSALIND [as COREY].”)

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Yo, lemonade.

Broadway FORSYLVIE You’re a guy. I hate all guys today, I hate you. I don’t know you but I hate you. It’s fifty cents.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Here, keep the change. You look upset. NOT

SYLVIE Yeah! Wouldn’t you be if you were a girl and liked a guy and didn’t know if he liked you? I know he likes me, but I don’t know if he LIKES me likes me. Every time I hint at it, he walks away.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Stop hinting. Tell him how you feel. Take a risk. See ya.

(ROSALIND does an overly macho gesture and crosses to CELIA and TOUCHTONE)

CELIA Who are you, the Fonz? Perusal ROSALIND She thought I was a guy and even asked my advice.

TOUCHTONE About a boy?

#6A SYLVIE’S QUESTION

LicensingROSALIND Yes.

CELIA Oh, Rosalind.

(Beat) PRODUCTION

We are so getting out of here before you do any more damage.

(The three of them exit. PHIL enters. SYLVIE approaches him) Broadway FOR PHIL Sylvie, why are you looking at me that way? Sylvie? Sylvie?

SYLVIE WE’VE BEENNOT PALS A ZILLION YEARS BUT WE COULD BE SO MUCH MORE SURE WE’VE BEEN THE TWO MUSKETEERS BUT WE COULD BE SO MUCH MORE I’VE BEEN THE SHOULDER YOU CAN CRY ON 42

SYLVIE (CONT’D) AND YOU’VE BEEN MY PIECE OF THE ROCK BUT LATELY I ADMIT I’VE HAD MY EYE ON YOU

(In rhythm)

Oh yeah. I know, I mean—

WHAT A SHOCK I LOOK AT YOU AND SEE A GUY WHO COULD BE SO MUCH MORE THAN A FRIEND LOOK AT ME—

(In rhythm) Perusal

I’m a girl! Hi!

LET ME BE MUCH MORE THAN A FRIEND EVERYBODY THINKS THAT WE’RE TOGETHER LET’S GO PROVE THEM RIGHT AND THEN TOMORROW NIGHT ON YOUR PLEATHER COUCH WE WON’T BE WATCHING BETTY WHITE! CAN’T YOU READ MY NEON SIGN? DON’T YOU WANT SOMELicensing MORE OUT OF ME? DON’T YOU THINK I’M FI-I-INE? THERE’S SO MUCH MORE TO ME THAN YOU SEE MORE— MORE AND MORE AND THEN SOME MORE AND MORE TACKLE ME DOWN TO THE FLOOR—14 PRODUCTION

#6B PHIL’S ANSWER

PHIL WaitBroadway— FOR

YOU’RE LIKE THE PERFECT WOMAN YOU CAME WITH ME TO SEE STAR TREK THREE YOU’RE ALWAYS THERE BESIDE ME WATCHINGNOT MTV WE’RE PICTIONARY PARTNERS WHO ALWAYS WIN THE GAME YOU’RE ASKING FOR MORE BUT I WANT MORE OF THE SAME 43

PHIL (CONT’D) I LOVE YOUR EYES AND SMILE THE WAY YOU CHORTLE AT A JOKE LIKE WHEN I RAGGED ON CHARO AND YOU SPAT OUT YOUR COKE YOU’RE MY FAVORITE DEBBIE ALLEN WHEN WE’RE RE-ENACTING FAME YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE BUT I WANT MORE OF THE SAME MORE OF HANGING AT THE IHOP MORE OF SHARING OUR DESSERT BEING THERE FOR EACH OTHER WHEN WE’RE HURT

SYLVIE YES AND LEANING IN TO KISS ME Perusal YOUR HAND RESTING ON MY FACE WHY CAN’T WE PICK UP THE PACE AND HAVE MORE—

PHIL SYLVIE IF I COULD, I’D BE EMILIO MORE— YOU’D BE DEMI MOORE MORE— AND WE’D BE HOT THERE’S JUST A LITTLE MORE— PROBLEM: Licensing PHIL YOU’RE READY, I’M NOT I LOVE YOU LIKE A SISTER WHO ELSE WOULD I ADORE? IF WE ENDED UP TOGETHER AND IT ENDED I WOULD LOSE YOU AND SO MUCHPRODUCTION MORE

(SYLVIE, heartbroken, exits. Song ends. Lights down on PHIL . . .) Broadway FOR

NOT

SCENE 5 ARDEN MALL FOOD COURT / BANDSTAND

(. . . and up on ORLANDO, entering at JACKIE’s perch with the band)

ORLANDO Whoa. A Gretsch. My dad had one. Chet Atkins model.

JACKIE Pick it up.

ORLANDO You don’t mind? Can I play something? Perusal

JACKIE You tell me.

ORLANDO I kinda messed up with this girl I like. I was thinking I could make it up to her if I wrote her a song.

#7 ORLANDO’S FIRST ATTEMPT Licensing ORLANDO ROSALIND, ROSALIND, BE MY . . . FRIEND, BE MY—

JACKIEPRODUCTION Okay, you suck.

ORLANDO What am I supposed to do? Broadway FOR JACKIE Write some poems, open up. Spread her name on the walls. Shout out your feelings for everyone to hear.

#7A MAGICAL ARDEN CHORD NOT ORLANDO (Exiting) Cool. 45

JACKIE Sarcasm. That was dripping with sarcasm.

Perusal

Licensing

PRODUCTION

Broadway FOR

NOT

SCENE 6 VARIOUS PALM TREES / STORES

(The trees are suddenly covered with pieces of paper stapled to them. ROSALIND and CELIA enter, reading poems from similar pieces of paper)

CELIA “When I saw her, that’s the moment I grinned. Like I smiled the first time ever for Rosalind.”

ROSALIND “Belinda Carlisle or Chrissie Hynde. Are nothing at all compared to Rosal-lined.” Perusal (ORLANDO appears in a special light upstage. ROSALIND mouths his words)

ORLANDO “I wish I was in an awesome band So I could sing a song to Rosaland.”

AWESOME!

(TOUCHTONE runsLicensing in with poems)

TOUCHTONE Someone has a stalker! How cool!15

ROSALINDPRODUCTION Wow. Do you think I’m that Rosalind?

TOUCHTONE It could be Rosalind Maloney from Home Ec, but she’s so creepy—those buggy eyes. Blech.Broadway FOR

CELIA I know who wrote these.

ROSALIND Who? NOT

CELIA A certain wrestler. 47

TOUCHTONE Hulk Hogan is in love with Rosalind?

CELIA (Pointing him offstage) Look—Ms. Pac Man at the arcade. Off!

TOUCHTONE (As he exits, to her) I’ll win for you. And perhaps I will win you.

ROSALIND So is that stupid jerk Orlando the one writing the poems? Perusal CELIA Depends. Do you want it to be?

ROSALIND No.

CELIA Well it is.

#8 LicensingBE A LITTLE WILD REPRISE 1

(Music under)

ROSALIND Ohmigod, how did you know? Did you see him?PRODUCTION What did he say? Do I look all right? How does he look? How did he get here? What did he say? You didn’t tell me! Ohmigod! Ohmigod!

CELIA WhoaBroadway horsie! See how he makes FOR that curve at the top of the “d” in “Rosalind”? Of all the people I’ve ever cheated off of, Orlando Bateman is the only one who makes a “d” like that.

ROSALIND But he hates me.NOT

CELIA Are you kidding? He wrote misguided poetry about you.

ROSALIND We have to find him. You have to find him. I have to find him.

CELIA Okay, okay, okay! We’ll split up and look for him. Meet you at the food court in twenty. Wait, what if you find him? You’re dressed as a guy.

ROSALIND We’ll figure something out. Go.

(They part ways. ROSALIND thinks, then)

ROSALIND OKAY, I’LL BE A BOY NOW Perusal FIND HIM, EASY AS PIE WE’LL BOTH BE TOGETHER JUST HANGIN’ AND TALKIN’ I’M LIGHT AS A FEATHER! HEY, WATCH HOW YOU’RE WALKIN’ AND PULL UP YOUR CROTCH, OH YEAH NOW YOU LOOK MACHO STRIKE A NEW POSE AND HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH BE A LITTLE WI-YI-YI-YI-YULD SAY A LITTLE “YO!” WHOA-OH-OH NOW GO AND BE HIS GUY! Licensing (She exits. Music transitions to)

#8A REMOTE AREA OF THE MALL

(CELIA enters, passing TOUCHTONEPRODUCTION)

TOUCHTONE I thought I lost you.

Broadway FORCELIA You did. I’m really a hologram.

(TOUCHTONE puts out his hand as if he is going to test if she is a hologram. CELIA slaps it away)

NOT CELIA Stop that.

TOUCHTONE Had to be sure.

CELIA Have you seen Orlando?

TOUCHTONE No.

(She turns to leave)

TOUCHTONE He’s pretty cool, you know, putting up poems. Let’s say, hypothetically, if you liked a guy and he wrote you poetry, would you like him more? Perusal

CELIA Not at all.

(TOUCHTONE crumples a piece of paper)

TOUCHTONE I give up. What do I have to do to get you to want me? I give you compliments, I drive you, and all you do is avoid me.16 Licensing CELIA Then I’ll make a deal with you. Stop bugging me and I’ll stop avoiding you. Trust me, it’ll be a whole lot easier for me to stop acting like I don’t like you.

TOUCHTONEPRODUCTION You like me?

CELIA I didn’t say that. Broadway FOR TOUCHTONE I think you kinda did. But you used a double negative to make it look like you didn’t.

CELIA Don’t you have a comic book convention to go to? NOT TOUCHTONE I drove you here—I can leave you here.

CELIA Are you saying I owe you something?

TOUCHTONE Ooooh, strategy. Yes, yes you do.17

CELIA Fine. Let’s say, I, hypothetically, kiss you—nausea—then you stop bugging me and you go on your merry way.

TOUCHTONE I don’t need you to kiss me if that’s how you’re going to be.

CELIA Perusal What, all of a sudden you don’t want me?

TOUCHTONE You’re too much work.

#9 BLAME IT ON THE MALL

CELIA Wait. You don’t want me? Licensing

TOUCHTONE Do you want me?

CELIA That is so not the issue! PRODUCTION

TOUCHTONE Answer my question.

Broadway FORCELIA YES I DO! NO, THAT’S BOGUS! ALL THESE TWITCHY, ITCHY FEELINGS COULD IT BE I—

Ugh. NOT NO IT CAN’T HELLO, NO WAY BUT YOU’RE CUTE, WELL, FOR A JUNIOR

CELIA (CONT’D) AND I LIKE THE WAY YOU STALK ME COME A LITTLE CLOSER. WAIT, WHAT DID I SAY? NO, NO, NO, IGNORE MY LIPS THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING AT ALL BLAME THE GAP, BLAME EXPRESS FOR THIS STRANGE PHENOMENON BLAME THAT GUY WHO’S SELLING COFFEE. BLAME THE SALE AT BENETTON DON’T BLAME ME IF I WANT YOU BLAME IT ON THE MALL

(She pushes him to the ground, waiting for him to make a move)

TOUCHTONE Perusal GOD BLESS THE MALL! I GIVE IN! TAKE ME NOW AND TELL ME WHAT I’M S’POSED TO DO, PLEASE WHOA, IT’S REAL—YOU’RE SO WOW NOT A MAGAZINE9

(Pats her ankle awkwardly, then climbs up along her body)

IN THE FLESH, IN THE ROOM, LET’S INTERMINGLE Licensing (Standing, trying to be suave; in rhythm)

Well, hello there.

SMELL MY BREATH. FRET NOT. I RINSEPRODUCTION WITH LISTERINE OH, OH, OH—YOU’RE HYPNOTIZED I FIN’LY HAVE YOU UNDER MY THRALL THANK THE WATER IN THE FOUNTAIN FOR THE RUSH OF MY BRAVADO THANK THE MAP ON THE WALL, ’CAUSE I FOUND MY EL DORADO! BroadwayDON’T BLAME ME IF I FORWANT YOU BLAME IT ON THE MALL

(They disappear down behind a potted plant. The CHORUS surrounds them)

NOT CHORUS BLAME IT ON THE MALL

VOICE 1 THERE’S A STORE WITH A SHIRT IN THE WINDOW AND YOU THINK I GOTTA HAVE IT

VOICE 2 GOTTA HAVE IT

CHORUS (Whispering in rhythm) Gotta have it.

VOICE 3 THERE’S A THRILL IN THE WANTING Perusal VOICE 4 SO YOU GO TRY IT ON

VOICE 5 TRY IT ON

VOICE 6 TRY IT ON

LicensingCHORUS (Whispering in rhythm) Try it on.

VOICE 2 SO YOU BUY IT PRODUCTION

VOICE 3 NOW YOU OWN IT

Broadway FORVOICE 4 THEN YOU SEE IT

VOICE 5 DID YOU NEED IT?

NOT VOICE 1 ALL OF A SUDDEN THE THRILL IS GONE

53 CHORUS EXCEPT VOICE ONE (Whispering in rhythm) Gone.

(Lights back to CELIA and TOUCHTONE, post-kiss, awkward)

CELIA THAT WAS—

(In rhythm)

Um?

TOUCHTONE (Cracking voice) FASCINATING

CELIA LISTEN, I—

TOUCHTONE (In rhythm) Yes,

I AGREE

CELIA GREAT!

CELIA & TOUCHTONE IT WAS NOTHING. WELL, IT WAS SOMETHING ONE LITTLE KISS SO THE EARTH DIDN’T MOVE

Broadway(In rhythm) Licensing Perusal

Big deal. NO FIREWORKSNOT EXPLODED FOR PRODUCTION CELIA IT’S ME

TOUCHTONE IT’S ME

CELIA & TOUCHTONE RIGHT, IT’S YOU

(Shocked, then pointing “at the mall.”)

NO, IT’S THIS! IT’S THE MALL! IT’S THE MALL! THE “ENCHANTED ARDEN MALL!” IT’S THE STUCCO, IT’S THE STEEL, GOTTA BE WHY I WOULD FEEL

CELIA LIKE I EVER COULD FALL FOR YOU Perusal

TOUCHTONE LIKE I EVER WOULD CALL YOU MINE

CELIA & TOUCHTONE HA HA HA HA HA! YES, THE MALL! NAUGHTY MALL! BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD MALL! MAKES ME DUMB! MAKES ME LOOSE! Licensing CHORUS MAKES AN EXCELLENT EXCUSE

CELIA & TOUCHTONE SO WHEN WE SEE EACH OTHER DOWN THE HALL WE’LL PRODUCTION

CELIA BLAME IT—

Broadway FORTOUCHTONE BLAME IT—

CELIA & TOUCHTONE ON THE— NOT CELIA Let’s split up and look for Orlando.

TOUCHTONE Yeah.

CHORUS BLAME IT ON THE MALL!

(Song ends. Lights shift to)

Perusal

Licensing

PRODUCTION

Broadway FOR

NOT

SCENE 8 ARDEN MALL FOOD COURT

(ORLANDO puts up a poem on the wall. ROSALIND [as COREY] enters)

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Whoa, dude. That is not a good way to get a chick.

ORLANDO Who the hell are you?21

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Corey. Valley College, class of 1988. I’m pledge master of Alpha . . . Alpha . . . Alpha. Perusal ORLANDO I was thinking about applying to Valley.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) We have our eye on you, Orlando Bateman, but you’re not pledging our frat if you don’t know your way around girls.

ORLANDO I know what to do about girls. But this one’s different. She’s out of my league. Licensing ROSALIND (AS COREY) Your league? Dude, you’re like what every girl wants.

ORLANDO But am I what she would want? The thing is, she’sPRODUCTION a smart girl. And the girl I’m dating is—

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Stupid? Vain? Shallow? Insensitive? Wore a head gear in seventh grade? Broadway FOR ORLANDO (Laughing) Yeah, but she’s easy.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) I’ll bet. NOT

ORLANDO No, easy like she’s not a challenge. Now, Rosalind—wow, she’s— 57

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Fascinating? Pretty? Listens to U2 albums for the social commentary?

ORLANDO Yes! But I get stupid when I wanna talk to her. I took speech and they said if you’re nervous talking in front of people, you imagine them naked—but that only makes it worse when you’re thinking about a girl.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Naked? M— Her?

ORLANDO Hell yeah.22 Perusal #10 EASY WAY OUT

ORLANDO Then this morning, progress, right. I said hello, she said hello—then I did something dumb.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Yeah, you did.

LicensingORLANDO I’m sorry, okay! I told you I get stupid around her. Why do you think it took me three years to finally talk to her?

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Three years? You wanted to talk to her before?PRODUCTION

ORLANDO Yeah—it was freshman assembly—next row over—

BroadwayTHERE’S A PRETTY GIR FORL AS LOST AS ME. SO MUCH IN COMMON, GOTTA FIND THE RIGHT WORDS. THEN THE BELL RINGS. WHAT WILL IT BE? WE BOTH GET UP. MY TEETH ARE NUMB. MY THROAT IS DRY. I’M FEELING DUMB. SHE PASSES BY, SHE GETS AWAY. NOT ROSALIND (AS COREY) THE MOMENT DISAPPEARS.

ORLANDO SHE’S GONE, I HAVE NO FEARS I CONVINCE MYSELF SHE’S SOMEONE GREAT WHO I CAN LIVE WITHOUT

ROSALIND (AS COREY) YOU TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT

ORLANDO YEAH, IT’S EASY NOT TO FEEL EXCITED EASY NOT TO GET TURNED DOWN EASY NOT TO LET ON HOW YOU’RE SHY BUT THEN I— I WAS A SOPH’MORE IN ENGLISH, NEXT ROW OVEPerusalR—

ROSALIND (AS COREY) THERE’S YOUR PRETTY GIRL. I BET SHE’S BRIGHT

ORLANDO WANNA ASK HER TO STUDY WITH ME THEN THE BELL RINGS. IT’S FIGHT OR FLIGHT

ROSALIND (AS COREY) SHE TAKES HER TIME TO PACK HER BAG Licensing ORLANDO MY LEGS DON’T BUDGE. MY FEET? THEY DRAG SHE PASSES BY, SHE GETS AWAY

ROSALIND (ASPRODUCTION COREY) SHE HAD A SPANISH TEST THAT DAY!

ORLANDO How did you know that?

Broadway FORROSALIND (AS COREY) Oh, I know her type.

SHE LEAVES YOU THERE AND THEN—

NOT ORLANDO I CAN FEEL MY FEET AGAIN I DECIDE IF I FORGET HER I’M BETTER OFF—

ROSALIND (AS COREY) (In rhythm) No doubt.

YEAH THAT’S THE EASY WAY OUT

ROSALIND (AS COREY) & ORLANDO ’CAUSE IT’S EASY

ORLANDO NOT TO FEEL THE PRESSURE

ROSALIND (AS COREY) & ORLANDO EASY Perusal

ROSALIND (AS COREY) NOT TO RISK AND LOSE

ROSALIND (AS COREY) & ORLANDO EASY NOT TO FEEL YOU’RE GONNA DIE BUT IT’S HARD AS HELL TO WATCH A CHANCE GO BY23 SO YOU GOTTA TAKE IT EASY

ORLANDO AND TRY AND TRY ANDLicensing TRY JUNIOR BAKESALE, AT THE TABLE THE SWEETEST GIRL IS SELLING CAKE GOT MY DOLLAR, AND I GOT UP MY NERVE I’M FIN’LY GETTING CLOSER AND EVEN THOUGH MY LEGS SHAKEPRODUCTION I KNOW I HAVE THE RIGHT WORDS I FEEL LIKE I COULD SHOUT! NOW WE’RE STANDING NOSE TO NOSE SHE TURNS HER HEAD AND . . . GOES! SHE TURNS HER HEAD AND GOES BroadwaySHE TURNS HER HEAD! FOR

(In rhythm)

She turns her head! NOT I’M A FOOL, MY HEART IS RACING WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?

ROSALIND (AS COREY) SHE TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT

(Song ends)

ROSALIND (AS COREY) She’s obviously changed, right? She was able to talk to you today.

ORLANDO Yeah, I just want to be able to talk to her.

#10A MAGICAL ARDEN CHORD Perusal ROSALIND (AS COREY) Talk to me.

ORLANDO Um, you’re a guy and stuff.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Hey, bro— I have experience. We had this pledge who wanted this girl from Pi Delta Tau . . . Phi. He was pretty hopeless, so he came to me, I acted just like her, and he got it up to talk to her. Licensing

ORLANDO Did it work?

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Hell yeah! And I will embarrass myself to helpPRODUCTION you, too.24

ORLANDO But how would you know what Rosalind is like?

Broadway FORROSALIND (AS COREY) I have a pretty good idea.

(SYLVIE enters, interrupting them)

NOT SYLVIE There you are.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) I’m sorry. We’re in the middle of something. 61

SYLVIE No. This is all your fault. He hates me.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Whoa, wait. You told the guy you like how you felt and he said he hated you?

(To ORLANDO)

Not nice, right?

(To SYLVIE)

Try again. Come on, it’s worth the risk. Perusal ORLANDO Maybe I should meet up with you later.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) No—don’t go—I—

ORLANDO Dude, it’s okay—I gotta go to the guitar store and—I, uh, mean, beat my high score . . . at the arcade . . . Yeah, meet you at the fountain at three. Later, Corey. Licensing ROSALIND (AS COREY) Hello, McFly!

ORLANDO Oh yeah. Catch you later, “Rosalind!” PRODUCTION

(ORLANDO exits)

SYLVIE Rosalind?Broadway FOR

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Yes? Oh, no, he likes Rosalind. I mean, he was all like I don’t like her, then he’s all I do like her. Ohmigod, he likes her! It’s so—uh—never mind. Where’s your guy?

(PHILNOT enters, sweeping )

SYLVIE I don’t care. There. Sweeping up. He’s the cute one in the hat.

(ROSALIND marches to PHIL)

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Yo.

PHIL Can I help . . .

#11 PHIL’S REALIZATION Perusal (The band plays the MAGICAL ARDEN CHORD)

PHIL . . . you?

ROSALIND (AS COREY) A beautiful girl bares her soul to you, you, who’s supposed to be a friend, and you tell her you hate her! What kind of insensitive lame-ass are you!

LicensingPHIL I—

ROSALIND (AS COREY) What kind of guy do you think you are to do that to her! She deserves better than that.

PHILPRODUCTION I know.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Then what’s your problem? Broadway FOR (Song proper starts here)

PHIL (Turning to audience) HE HAS THE PERFECT BODY AND HE’SNOT MACHO-ER THAN MACCHIO. I’M TREMBLING, I’M EXCITED! WHY WOULD THAT BE?

. . . Oh.

SO WHAT IF— IF I WANT HIM? I WONDER IF HE’S GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME WHEN I LOOK AT HIM, IT’S LIKE I FIN’LY KNOW ME AND I’LL NEVER BE THE SAME

(Song ends. PHIL immediately turns to ROSALIND [as COREY])

PHIL She’s not my type. At all.

SYLVIE I can be whoever you want me to be, Phil. Perusal

ROSALIND (AS COREY) What? No, be yourself. You have to be yourself. We all have to be ourselves!

SYLVIE Obviously that’s not enough.

PHIL Sylvie— Licensing ROSALIND (AS COREY) She loves you, dude. Love her back.

(ROSALIND [as COREY] exits) PRODUCTION SYLVIE See? See what kind of guy I can get and I choose you?

PHIL (Looking in “Corey”’s direction:) BroadwayI do see. FOR

SYLVIE Maybe I’ll go with him tonight. Yeah, how would you feel about that one, huh?

NOT PHIL But you and I are still gonna dance together.

SYLVIE You never said it was a date. Maybe I’m gonna find a new partner.

(She exits)

PHIL (To himself) Me too.

(He exits. Lights shift to)

Perusal

Licensing

PRODUCTION

Broadway FOR

NOT

SCENE 9 FOUNTAIN

(CELIA finds ROSALIND)

CELIA I found you. Good. We’re leaving.

ROSALIND No, we’re staying. I found Orlando.

CELIA Touchtone and I messed around. We’re leaving.25 Perusal

ROSALIND You didn’t—

CELIA Kinda—and he’s over me now. Me! This place needs an exorcism.

ROSALIND I found Orlando. We’re meeting up later. I’m playing Rosalind for him. I mean, Corey is. Licensing CELIA Pause. What’s happening here?

ROSALIND Either the mall is enchanted or I’m finally doing what you’ve been telling me to do forever. PRODUCTION

CELIA That’s right—I wanted you to be a girl dressed as a guy who’s acting like a girl to get the guy you like, while the guy you like has no idea that he’s talking to really you—the girl— becauseBroadway you’re a guy? Not my FORplan. You’re hiding behind this Corey thing! You’re playing Tootsie with him ’cause you’re still afraid.

ROSALIND I’m not afraid, Celia. I’m happy. NOT (Overly macho)

Feelin’ strong.

CELIA You’re not strong. You’re lying. What you’re doing is no better than anything Audrey’s ever done to you.

ROSALIND The minute I stop playing it safe, you freak out. You don’t get it. You’ve never really liked a guy. Like risk-your-life-and-dignity liked a guy. You only care if they like you. Look at Touchtone. And even he’s over you now.

CELIA Who is moving your lips and making that sound?! Earth to Rosal—

ROSALIND There’s Orlando. I’d like to talk to him please. Perusal

CELIA As who?

ROSALIND Whoever I want to be!

CELIA I am not going to be here when this blows up in your face. Licensing (CELIA exits. ORLANDO enters)

ROSALIND Why would I want you to? Who needs her anyway? PRODUCTION ORLANDO Dude?

ROSALIND And you’re late! You think I don’t have anything better to do? Broadway FOR ORLANDO All right, I get it, “Rosalind.” Calm down, “Rosalind.” You’re acting like a freak.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Maybe I am a freak.NOT How would you know? You never had the guts to talk to me—her!

ORLANDO You’re right!

ROSALIND (AS COREY) I’m right?

ORLANDO Yes.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Oh.

ORLANDO What’s wrong?

ROSALIND (AS COREY) You calmed me down. Perusal

#12 ROSALIND & ORLANDO UNDERSCORE

ORLANDO It was kinda funny the way you played her angry. Do it again.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Tell ya what. Piss me off again, I’ll get angry. Licensing ORLANDO Rosalind Duke saying “piss off.” Hey, I like that, too.

ROSALIND Really? PRODUCTION ORLANDO See! That’s Rosalind.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) NotBroadway even. FOR

ORLANDO That’s also Rosalind!

NOT ROSALIND (AS COREY) Do you really know what she’s like?

ORLANDO A little. She gets this goofy smile when she gives the right answer in class. She always twirls her hair when she’s nervous. And . . . I know it’s cheesy, but I can tell when she’s sad, ’cause it’s like looking at me in the mirror when I’m sad.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Wow. I’m speechless.

(Music abruptly stops)

ORLANDO Okay, Corey. This is lame.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Perusal Dude, face it: You make girls speechless.

ORLANDO But I don’t want Rosalind just to stare.

(Music resumes)

ORLANDO That’s what Audrey does, like I’m a side of beef. It’s like everybody wants something from me. Audrey wants me to be a perfectLicensing drone. My coach wants me to make weight. My brother—well, he just wants me dead.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Why? PRODUCTION ORLANDO Our parents—it’s a long story.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) They’reBroadway the ones who died in thatFOR car accident.

ORLANDO On the way to my wrestling match.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) That’s why youNOT haven’t wrestled in a year.

ORLANDO Yeah. Nobody else gets that. 69

ROSALIND (AS COREY) I bet this girl Rosalind could. If you opened up to her.

ORLANDO Yeah right.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) She would.

(Music swells)

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Look, Orlando, I—I have to tell you something. It’s kinda huge. I’m . . . really . . . I’m really . . . Ros— Perusal

(Music abruptly stops: AUDREY enters, carrying one of ORLANDO’s poems)

AUDREY Orlando Bateman, you are in major trouble!

ORLANDO / ROSALIND (AS COREY) Audrey! Licensing AUDREY I know your handwriting. Are you the one writing these notes to Rosalind? You can tell me. I won’t be mad.

ROSALIND (ASPRODUCTION COREY) Tell her the truth.

AUDREY Who are you? Broadway FOR ORLANDO That’s Corey. He goes to Valley.

AUDREY A state school? Whatever.NOT Orlando, tell me.

(ORLANDO looks to ROSALIND [as COREY])

ROSALIND (AS COREY) You can do it.

AUDREY Yeah. I won’t be mad.

ORLANDO I . . . well . . . I want to take a chance on Rosalind Duke.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) You said it. Ohmigod!

AUDREY Ohmigod! Perusal

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Ohmigod!

ORLANDO You said you wouldn’t be mad.

AUDREY I’m calling Daddy and cancelling the dance. Licensing ALL No!

ROSALIND (AS COREY) What he’s saying is: No, don’t do that on his account.PRODUCTION

AUDREY Rosalind Duke? Can it be any more humiliating? Daddy!

Broadway FORROSALIND (AS COREY) Don’t get upset over a high school boy who—who—would rather write poems than be with the hottest girl in school!

AUDREY But he’s the best. NOT ROSALIND (AS COREY) For a high school guy, but if he can’t appreciate you for . . . your looks, or your . . . looks, or your . . . clothes, then forget him. 71

ORLANDO You need a guy who’s more mature.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) And who worships your . . . hotness.

AUDREY You have a point.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Good.

AUDREY Yeah, take that skank Rosalind Duke. See if I care. Perusal

ROSALIND (AS COREY) That’s great.

AUDREY Because I don’t want some high school wrestler.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Who would? Licensing AUDREY I want you.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) What? PRODUCTION

AUDREY You’re gonna be my date.

Broadway FORROSALIND (AS COREY) I am?

AUDREY Eight o’clock. You’re mine for the night. NOT ORLANDO Dude, we can double-date!

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Wait!

AUDREY What?

ROSALIND (AS COREY) I already have a date.

#13 COMPLICATED

AUDREY Who? Perusal

(SYLVIE and PHIL walk by. ROSALIND [as COREY] desperately points to SYLVIE)

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Her!

SYLVIE Me? Licensing (A vamp revs up and lights shift into ROSALIND’s rock star “fantasy.” Everyone else becomes Robert Palmer–esque backup singers. If ROSALIND makes a dance move, they do, too)

ROSALIND OH THIS GAME I’M PLAYING MIGHTPRODUCTION BE GETTING OUT OF HAND AND I’VE GONE MORE WILD THAN I EVER PLANNED BUT I MADE IT THIS FAR, SO I’LL TAKE IT ALL THE WAY I’LL GET MY GUY BY THE END OF THE DAY NO MATTER WHAT PRICE I PAY Broadway FOR ROSALIND & CHORUS IT’S REALLY NOT THAT COMPLICATED

ROSALIND REALLYNOT

CHORUS REALLY?

ROSALIND REALLY!

CHORUS NO IT’S REALLY NOT THAT COMPLICATED

ROSALIND I’M ON A ROLL

(In rhythm)

Oh yeah,

ROSALIND & CHORUS Perusal IT’S REALLY NOT THAT COMPLICATED

ROSALIND REALLY REALLY REALLY

CHORUS EVERYBODY’S DISCOMBOBULATED—

ROSALIND BUT I’M IN CONTROLLicensing

(And we’re back to normal)

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Yes, you— Caro— Laur— Mela— PRODUCTION

SYLVIE Sylvie—

Broadway FORROSALIND (AS COREY) Sylvie and I have been dating for a while now.

PHIL No! NOT AUDREY You expect me to believe you?

(The band plays the MAGICAL ARDEN CHORD) 74

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Yes.

ORLANDO Dude, we can still double-date!

AUDREY Excuse me, no one is going to any dance if I don’t have a date.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) I’ll get you one.

(As lights shift back into fantasy world, CELIA appears as ROSALIND’s conscience—let’s call her DREAMPerusal CELIA, perhaps wearing a different colored bow in her hair)

ROSALIND (To audience) I CAN ACE POP QUIZZES. OH, NOTHING PHASES ME HEY IF LIFE’S A TEST, I’VE GOT THE ANSWER KEY I DON’T NEED A FOUR-POINT-OH G.P.A. TO SAY I’M SMART I CAN TRUST MY GUT. I CAN FOLLOW MY HEART IT’S EASY, LIKE READING SART . . . TRE! Licensing CHORUS IT’S REALLY NOT THAT COMPLICATED. REALLY—

DREAM CELIA REALLY? PRODUCTION

ROSALIND & CHORUS REALLY!

CHORUS BroadwayNO IT’S REALLY NOT TFORHAT COMPLI —

ROSALIND I JUST WANNA HAVE FUN

NOT CHORUS IT’S REALLY NOT THAT COMPLICATED REALLY, REALLY, REALLY

DREAM CELIA EVERYBODY’S BEEN MANIPULATED

ROSALIND (To DREAM CELIA) HEY, I’M UNDER THE GUN! NO, NO, NO, I AM NOT A BITCH COME ON, NOW YOU WOULD DO THE SAME IF YOU WERE IN MY SITCH I CAN SEE MY GOAL IN SIGHT I CAN MAKE IT TURN OUT ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT?

(In rhythm) Perusal

All right, all right, all right!

ROSALIND & CHORUS IT’S REALLY NOT THAT COMPLICATED REALLY, REALLY, REALLY IT’S REALLY NOT THAT COMPLICATED

ROSALIND REALLY NO BIG DEALIE Licensing ROSALIND & CHORUS IT’S REALLY NOT THAT COMPLI—

AUDREY Hey! PRODUCTION

ROSALIND —TED

Broadway(Back to reality) FOR

AUDREY Ted? Who’s Ted?

NOT ROSALIND (Still to herself) ComplicaTED

(Realizing, to AUDREY) 76

ROSALIND (CONT’D) Ted? Ted! Ted . . . is your date. Ted’s my frat bro.

AUDREY But he’s not you.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Exactly. He’s even more amazing. He just broke up with his supermodel girlfriend! But if you’re not interested . . .

AUDREY I might be. Bring him to me at seven.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Perusal Done.

AUDREY But if he can’t measure up, you’re coming with me.

(To SYLVIE)

And you’ll just have to deal. Okay, you are stressing out my nails. I’m going to buff.

(AUDREY exits) Licensing

DREAM CELIA & CHORUS IT’S REALLY NOT THAT COMPLICATED

SYLVIEPRODUCTION That’s right, Phil— I’m going with him.

DREAM CELIA & CHORUS IT’S REALLY NOT THAT COMPLICATED

Broadway FORSYLVIE And Corey and I are going to dance together. All night.

DREAM CELIA & CHORUS IT’S REALLY NOT THAT COMPLICATED NOT SYLVIE And after the dance, when he walks me to the parking lot, he’s going to be the one who kisses me, Phil. Him, not you.

ROSALIND WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, HOW’D IT COME TO THIS?

(To SYLVIE and PHIL)

OKAY, TIME OUT, THERE ISN’T GONNA BE A KISS.

PHIL Really? You mean you don’t want to kiss her?

ROSALIND Not on the first date.

(To ORLANDO) Perusal

But you should feel free to kiss Rosalind on your first date. I don’t think that’ll be a problem.

PHIL So you like Sylvie?

ROSALIND Um, sure. Why yes, yes of course! Licensing PHIL (Exiting) Oh. I’m gonna go stock up on soda at the stand.

SYLVIEPRODUCTION Wait, Phil, we only serve lemonade! He’s really upset. Ohmigod, it worked! Thank you! Brilliant, how you picked up on my plan to make him jealous!

(SYLVIE runs off)

Broadway FORROSALIND SEE, SEE, SEE, I AM SO THE BOSS I’M LIKE MACGYVER WITH SOME BATTERIES AND DENTAL FLOSS I CAN HANDLE ANYTHING I’M THE SOLUTION QUEEN, OR KING NOT or—

ORLANDO So which girl are you taking?

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Neither. Sylvie clearly wants the hot dog boy and I’ll just stand up Audrey. By the time seven rolls around, it’ll be too late for her to cancel the dance anyway.

(To ORLANDO)

IT’S REALLY NOT THAT COMPLICATED

ORLANDO Yeah, it’s just kinda low. Perusal ROSALIND (AS COREY) Do you want Rosalind or not?

ORLANDO Yes, but I don’t want you to step on Audrey just so I can get Rosalind. Rosalind wouldn’t hurt anyone in order to get me.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) No one is getting hurt. Licensing ORLANDO Take Audrey. It’s the right thing to do. Don’t be a jerk.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) I’m not a jerk. PRODUCTION

ORLANDO So do it, okay?

Broadway FORROSALIND (AS COREY) The right thing.

ORLANDO Great, see you at the dance! Hey, if you see Rosalind, stay away from her. I don’t want another girl falling for you. NOT (He exits)

ROSALIND Oh boy.

DREAM CELIA YOU THOUGHT IT WASN’T COMPLICATED

ROSALIND REALLY, REALLY, REALLY NOW IT’S GETTING LIKE IT’S HARDER THAN TRIG!

DREAM CELIA YOU’RE GONNA BE, LIKE, BIFURCATED—

(To audience) Perusal

Meaning she’s two people.

ROSALIND IF I GOTTA BE TWO PEOPLE, WILL I NEED A WIG?

ROSALIND CHORUS SO, COREY GOES WITH AUDREY AH AND ROSALIND’S WITH ORLANDO AH THEN EVERYONE IS SAFLicensingE AH ’CAUSE I’LL BE QUICK LIKE A AH AH AH COMMANDO

ROSALIND NO, NOBODY CAN EVER KNOW THAT ROSALIND IS COREY PRODUCTION OR ORLANDO’S GONNA HATE ME NEVER DATE ME, END OF STORY AND IF AUDREY WINS THEN I WOULD BE LIKE, SO HUMILIATED DID I SAY I’M GONNA DO THIS? BroadwayI AM TOTALLY MOTIVAT FORED! I—

ROSALIND & CHORUS HAVE TO TAKE THIS SHOT I WANT ORLANDO! NOT ROSALIND It’s that’s simple!

I GOTTA GIVE IT EVERYTHING I GOT! 80

ROSALIND (CONT’D) SEE IT’S

ROSALIND CHORUS REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY Perusal REALLY REALLY REALLY

ROSALIND & CHORUS NOT—

(In reality, OLIVER enters with a yearbook and crosses to ROSALIND)

OLIVER Excuse me, have you seen theseLicensing students?

ROSALIND (Pointing somewhere) That way. PRODUCTION ROSALIND & CHORUS REALLY

ROSALIND BroadwayNOT THAT FOR

ROSALIND & CHORUS COMPLICATED!

EndNOT of Act I

ACT II

#14 ENTR’ACTE (THE SEVEN STAGES OF MAN)

(The band jams)

Perusal

Licensing

PRODUCTION

Broadway FOR

NOT

SCENE 1 VARIOUS STORES AROUND THE MALL

(CELIA enters, freaked out, unaware that she is heading toward OLIVER, who is still holding a yearbook.)

#15 CREATING A MONSTER

CELIA DON’T WANNA BITCH, OR MAKE A TOTAL FUSS27 BUT I LOST MY RIDE AND I HATE THE BUS AND ROSALIND—I CAN’T LOOK AT HER I WANT THINGS BACK THE WAY THEY WERE GOTTA GET OUT, GOTTA GET OUT, GOTTA GETPerusal OUT OF THE MA-A-A-ALL GOTTA GET OUT, GOTTA GET OUT—

OLIVER Have you seen these students?

CELIA GOTTA GET OUT

LicensingOLIVER Excuse me?

(She turns and affects a different persona: She’s CELIA [as LADONNA] now.) PRODUCTION CELIA (AS LADONNA) Yes?

OLIVER Broadway(Not recognizing her)FOR Have you seen this guy and these two girls?

CELIA (AS LADONNA) I don’t know. I don’t go to Courtland. I go to Westlake. I don’t know these girls and that guy. And you don’t know me. NOT OLIVER Are you sure you haven’t seen them? It’s a guy who kinda looks like me, but better- looking, a tall girl with long hair and her friend. The friend’s really cute.

CELIA (AS LADONNA) I don’t know anyone who fills that descri—You think the friend’s cute?

OLIVER Yeah—beautiful, great smile, feisty.

CELIA (AS LADONNA) Beautiful?

OLIVER Yeah, but she wouldn’t give me the time of day. What time is it?

CELIA (AS LADONNA) (Considers the irony of answering him, then) Perusal Three thirty. You know, maybe she’s not into you ’cause of the way you look.

OLIVER Yeah, Celia Duke is pretty shallow.

CELIA (AS LADONNA) Or it’s the way you look.

OLIVER Wanna help me out? Licensing

CELIA (AS LADONNA) You don’t even know me. I mean, right, you don’t know me?

OLIVERPRODUCTION Never met you before.

(The band plays the MAGICAL ARDEN CHORD)

Broadway FOROLIVER But somehow I feel like I can trust you. Take me shopping.

(Vamp starts)

OLIVER Make me the kindNOT of guy she’d look at. I’ll bet you’re really good at makeovers.

CELIA You have no idea. 84

(A dressing room appears. A MAKEOVER CREW of hair designer / fashion consultants, etc., enters)

MAKEOVER CREW WE GOT A MONTAGE. WE GOT A MONTAGE A SHOPPING MONTAGE. LET’S GO TO THE DRESSING ROOM:

(OLIVER enters, uncomfortable in a new outfit. But he looks good and CELIA knows it)

MAKEOVER CREW UH-OH, SHE’S CREATING A MONSTER SHE’S LIKE A FRANKENSTEIN COLOR COORDINATING A MONSTER DRESSING HIM IN CALVIN KLEIN Perusal

(CELIA sends OLIVER back into the dressing room but spies on him)

CELIA SEE HIS SHOULDERS BROADEN AND HOW HIS WAIST LOOKS IN THAT TAPERED SUIT UH-OH, I’M CREATING A MONSTER HE ALMOST LOOKS ALMOST CUTE

(OLIVER appears Licensingin a hairstylist’s chair)

MAKEOVER CREW UH-OH, SHE’S CREATING A MONSTER CALL HER VIDAL SASSOON TRIMMING AND DEPILATING A MONSTER SHEARING HIM LIKE A BABOON PRODUCTION

CELIA WATCH HIS EYEBROW TURN INTO EYEBROWS SEE HOW HIS CHEEKBONES RISE BroadwayUH-OH, I’M CREATING FOR A MONSTER HE KINDA HAS GORGEOUS EYES AND LIPS AND HAIR AND—AND—AND— OHMIGOD OHMIGOD WHAT A BOD OH IT’S NOTODDLY EXCITI NG. NO, IT’S THE LIGHTING IT’S THE MALL IT’S A TRICK HE’S A PRICK AND I’M SICK TO EVEN WATCH HIM CHANGING 85

CELIA (CONT’D) AND CHANGING AND CHANGING

MAKEOVER CREW AND WHAT’S HE CHANGING INTO? A PERSON?

CELIA (In rhythm) Gag me with a spoon

AS IF GET REAL, NO, HE CAN’T BE A PERSON HE’S A POWER-HUNGRY STIFF NOW ALL HIS DEFENSES ARE FALLING Perusal WHERE’S THAT GUY I LOVE TO HATE?

(In rhythm)

Shut up.

HE’S BECOMING A PERSON I SORTA COULD SORTA . . . DATE

(The music flourishesLicensing as OLIVER enters, fully transformed )

OLIVER I’M BEAUTIFUL! I’M BEAUTIFUL! PRODUCTION (Shouts)

Hey Mom, look at your little boy now!

CHORUS BroadwayAHHH FOR OLIVER HE’S BEAUTIFUL! SO BEAUTIFUL!

(MusicNOT softens)

CELIA (AS LADONNA) Paging ego to men’s apparel, third floor.

OLIVER I’ve never looked this good. Thank you.

CELIA (AS LADONNA) Yeah, whatever, you needed it.

OLIVER Hey, I’m serious. Not a lot of people do nice things for me, all right? My mom got my brother these three Izods once: “Oh, I saw them and just had to get them for you, Orlando. Oliver, can you get the bag out of the trunk, sweetie?” And one time when I placed second at my track meet, my dad said “It’s okay, son. We don’t expect you to win.” And then—

(Music abruptly stops when CELIA speaks) Perusal CELIA (AS LADONNA) Okay. You’re like totally Breakfast Clubbing out on me.

OLIVER Can I get your phone number?

(Music vamps)

OLIVER Or you wanna hang out at thisLicensing dance tonight?

(Music vamps)

CELIA (AS LADONNA) What about Celia Duke? PRODUCTION

OLIVER Forget Celia Duke.

OLIVER CHORUS BroadwayI’M BEAUTIFUL! FOR AH BEAUTIFUL I’M BEAUTIFUL! AH BEAUTIFUL HEY, I CAN DO BETTER AH OH THAN HER YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL! AH BEAUTIFUL YOU’RE NOTBEAUTIFUL! AH BEAUTIFUL YOU’RE THE GIRL I PREFER! OH AH

CELIA WHOA. WHOA. OKAY, I’VE CREATED A MONSTER 87

CELIA (CONT’D) HE’S IN LOVE WITH ME ME, THE NEW ME, NOT ME, THE OLD ME WHICH ONE AM I S’POSED TO BE?

MAKEOVER CREW TELL THE TRUTH AND TELL HIM WHO YOU ARE OH, TELL HIM QUICK BEFORE YOU PUKE UH-OH, YOU’VE CREATED A MONSTER

CELIA YES, AND HER NAME’S CELIA DUKE MAKEOVER CREW. TELL HIM THAT YOU’RE CELIA DUKE Perusal CELIA OLIVER WAIT HE DOESN’T WANT CELIA DUKE YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL! MAKEOVER CREW TELL HIM THAT YOU’RE I’M BEAUTIFUL! CELIA DUKE WE’RE BEAUTIFUL BUT HE DOESN’T WANT CELIA DUKE SO BEAUTIFUL!

LicensingMAKEOVER CREW GOTTA TELL HIMMMMM

CELIA (AS LADONNA) Yeah, forget Celia Duke! PRODUCTION MAKEOVER CREW UH-OH!

(Song ends) Broadway FOR

NOT

SCENE 2 ARDEN MALL PASSAGEWAY

(A light finds TOUCHTONE, ogling yet evading girls. ROSALIND finds him)

ROSALIND Touchtone! My hero! My savior!

TOUCHTONE You! You sent me into the dark regions of the nether-mall with that vixen.

ROSALIND Perusal I thought you were over Celia.

TOUCHTONE With a festering, gnawing sense of regret and disappointment, but something has awakened and now I have the urge to—

(To a passing girl, à la Long Duk Dong from Sixteen Candles)

Hey, sexy girlfriend, how’s it goin’?

(To ROSALIND) Licensing

See?29

ROSALIND I’m supposed to be at the dance as me and thenPRODUCTION as Corey dating a girl so I need you to take her to the dance instead.

TOUCHTONE Be with a girl? And risk another letdown? No way. Broadway (To another passingFOR girl)

I’m in the A.V. club, you want some of this?

(To ROSALIND) NOT I’m so lost. So very very lost.

ROSALIND You’re my last hope—

TOUCHTONE Not listening!

ROSALIND I’ll buy you a—

TOUCHTONE NOT succumbing to temptation! Ever again.

ROSALIND Fine! Perusal

(She exits. Opposite, AUDREY enters)

TOUCHTONE Smokin’.

(To himself)

Darnit! Licensing AUDREY What makes you think you can talk to me?

TOUCHTONE Involuntary reaction. It’s all about the autonomicPRODUCTION nervous system.

(Off her reaction)

Okay, not a science fan. Broadway FOR AUDREY I just saw that guy Corey walk by. Are you a friend of his?

TOUCHTONE Corey? My NOT (Air quotes)

“frat bro”? 90

AUDREY Wait, you’re the guy Corey wants me to go with? You’re Ted?

TOUCHTONE Ted?

AUDREY (Laughs) I don’t know what he was thinking, but I need a real man. I’m totally going with Corey.

(TOUCHTONE laughs uncontrollably)

AUDREY I know. Wait, why are you laughing? Perusal

TOUCHTONE Because it’s so funny you think Corey would like you.

AUDREY Of course he likes me! I’m likable!

TOUCHTONE Yeah, he’s a real man. Licensing AUDREY Stop laughing. It’s not funny.

TOUCHTONE I’m sorry. PRODUCTION

(Beat)

No, it is funny. Broadway FOR AUDREY Stop it! You’re being mean!

(She cries and runs off) NOT #16 BLAME IT ON THE MALL REPRISE30

TOUCHTONE THAT WAS WRONG. I UPSET HER YES, I THINK I HURT HER FEELINGS SHE HAS FEELINGS? THERE’S A HEART UNDERNEATH THOSE BOOBS? DO I CARE? WELL, A LITTLE WHY ARE GIRLS DO DARN CONFUSING? IT’S A PUZZLE LIKE A MIXED-UP RUBIK’S CUBE! SO, OH NO, SHE’S IN FOR A SHOCK I JUST CAN’T LET HER HEAD FOR A FALL WHAT’S THIS SURGE OF AN URGE TO PROTECT HER AT THE DANCE? FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A WHILE, MY BRAIN’S NOT IN MY PANTS AND I DON’T THINK I LIKE IT BLAME IT ON . . . LOVE? Perusal

(He exits. Music transitions to . . .)

Licensing

PRODUCTION

Broadway FOR

NOT

SCENE 3 ARDEN MALL FOOD COURT / SAUSAGE ON A STICK

(PHIL mutters to himself, upset. SYLVIE enters, excited.)

PHIL What’s the point? I mean you like someone and think you might—then all of sudden—I’m so stupid—they’re clearly not interested.

SYLVIE Wait, Phil. I was only using Corey to make you jealous— he doesn’t want me.

PHIL He doesn’t want you you or you conceptually? Perusal

SYLVIE I don’t know. I just didn’t get the sense he liked me very much. He seemed kinda girly.

PHIL Is he gonna dance with you at the dance contest?

SYLVIE No, I don’t like Corey. Licensing PHIL (Cannot contain himself any longer) I do!

SYLVIEPRODUCTION Okay, yeah, he seemed nice, but I don’t see why you’re—

PHIL Wait. Remember the last time we rented The Outsiders? I freeze-framed on Rob Lowe comingBroadway out of the shower in thatFOR towel?

SYLVIE You were just pausing the movie because you had to go to the kitchen— (Realizing:) to get the quiche you made— NOT #17 SYLVIE’S REACTION

SYLVIE OHMIGOD— YOU’RE SURE— WAIT, YOU’RE NO— 93

SYLVIE (CONT’D) YEAH, ALL RIGHT ALL THE TIME WE WATCHED MATT DILLON— DUH, OKAY NEVER HAD A CHANCE, OF COURSE NOT NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE— BETTE MIDLER SURE— WAS I DUMB?— NO SURPRISE! I’M NOT MAD AT YOU IF YOU’RE HAPPY, THEN I’M HAPPY THESE AREN’T TEARS IN MY EYES A FRIEND’S BETTER THAN NOTHING THAT’S MY CONSOLATION PRIZE

PHIL A CONSOLATION PRIZE? YOU’RE NOT LOSING ME Perusal

SYLVIE I’M JUST WATCHING AS MY DIGNITY WITHERS AND FINALLY DIES

PHIL I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND NOT A CONSOLATION PRIZE

PHIL Licensing SYVLIE I’M NO ONE’S YOU’RE STILL MY

SYLVIE & PHIL CONSOLATION PRIZE PRODUCTION SYLVIE THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU

PHIL AND IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. Broadway FOR SYLVIE NO, IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.

PHIL NO, IT’SNOT NOT ABOUT YOU.

SYLVIE SO IT’S NOT ABOUT ME?

PHIL WAIT, IT’S NOT ABOUT ME?

SYLVIE IF IT’S NOT ABOUT ME

PHIL AND IT’S NOT ABOUT ME

SYLVIE & PHIL THEN IT’S SOMETHING THAT WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALONE

PHIL Perusal ALONE

SYLVIE ALONE

PHIL ALONE

SYLVIE ALONE Licensing

PHIL ALONE

SYLVIEPRODUCTION ALONE

(They part ways)

SYLVIE & PHIL BroadwayRUN AWAY FROM ME FOR I CAN’T LOOK AT YOU. WHO NEEDS YOU? I CAN CUT ALL OUR TIES I WISH I HATED YOU WISH I DIDN’T CARE WISH I COULDNOT SAY IT’ S THE END BUT I WOULD HAVE NOTHING NO CONSOLATION NOW I DON’T HAVE MY BEST FRIEND

(Song ends. Lights shift to . . .)

Perusal

Licensing

PRODUCTION

Broadway FOR

NOT

SCENE 4 ARDEN MALL FOOD COURT / BANDSTAND

(ORLANDO approaches JACKIE)

ORLANDO I practiced. I think I’m on to something. She’s gonna love it!

JACKIE There are easier ways to kill me.

(The band’s guitarist hands ORLANDO the guitar. ORLANDO rocks out à la Springsteen) Perusal #18 ORLANDO’S SECOND ATTEMPT

ORLANDO I LOOK AT YOU AND I’M IN HEAVEN I GOT A FEVER OF TWO HUNDRED AND SEVEN PLEASE ROS’LIND, BE NEAR OH ROSALIND, I’M HERE OH ROSALIND, BE HERE WITH ME—

LicensingJACKIE Dude, whoa, take it down. Breathe. Be honest. Just sing what’s in your heart.

ORLANDO That’s so simple. Thanks. PRODUCTION (ORLANDO walks off, thinking)

JACKIE It’s simple until all that’s left in your heart is a pit of darkness. Broadway FOR (Touches her heart)

Whoa, that was perilously close to an honest feeling.

(Points angrily at “the mall.”) NOT Stop it, mall.

(Lights shift to . . .) 97

SCENE 5 DRESSING ROOMS

OFFSTAGE GIRL’S VOICE There’s a boy in the dressing room!

(ROSALIND [as COREY] stumbles onstage, having been kicked out of the dressing room.)

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Wait, I can explain!

(She is about to leave, but a SALESGIRL comes in with a blouse for AUDREY, who enters) Perusal

AUDREY Corey!?

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Audrey!? What are you doing here?

AUDREY What are you doing here? Licensing SALESGIRL (To AUDREY) We were out of size two, so I actually found one in your real size.

AUDREYPRODUCTION Shut up. I AM a size two.

SALESGIRL If you don’t eat. Ever. Broadway FOR (SALESGIRL exits)

ROSALIND (AS COREY) It’s all right to be a size four. Seriously, even a fourteen.

NOT AUDREY Shut up.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) I mean it.

AUDREY Please. You’re a boy. You all want us to be perfect.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) You don’t have to be perfect.

AUDREY Yes I do. Don’t say I’m not. Is that why Orlando didn’t want me? Is that why you think I’m all hideous, too?

#19 I WANNA KNOW WHYPerusal

AUDREY The worst part is that geek Ted laughed at me! A geek! What is happening to me?

I WANNA KNOW WHY ’CAUSE BEING ME IS REALLY TOUGH I WANNA KNOW WHY WAS MY NOSE JOB NOT ENOUGH? I SPEND AN HOUR EVERY MORNING MOUSSING UP MY HAIRLicensing THEN MALLORY, SHE CALLS ME UP I TELL HER WHAT TO WEAR I GET TO SCHOOL, I TEASE THE BOYS THEY STARE AND STARE AND STARE BUT IS ANYBODY HERE WITH ME RIGHT NOW? PRODUCTION (In rhythm)

No! And that’s not fair.

BroadwayAUDREY FOR CHORUS I WANNA KNOW WHY WHY AM I TOO GOOD FOR MY OWN GOOD? I’M A STAR IN THE SKY WHY I’D BE NORMALNOT IF I C OULD, BUT MY BEEMER HAS A HA HA HA HA SUN ROOF HA HA HA HA AND MY DADDY OWNS A HA HA HA HA JET HA HA HA HA 99

AUDREY (CONT’D) CHORUS (CONT’D) WHICH MAKES ME THE HA HA HA HA MOST INTERESTING HA HA HA HA GIRL I’VE EVER MET HA HA HA HA THERE’S NOTHING THAT NOTHING I DON’T HAVE, STILL THERE’S ONE THING I DON’T AH GET

EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE ME BUT NO ONE WANTS TO BE WITH ME AND I WANNA KNOW Perusal (In ROSALIND [as COREY]’s face:)

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHY-YI! YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! WHY-YI!

(Song ends)

AUDREY I guess you’re not gonna be my date now. Licensing ROSALIND (AS COREY) I’m a horrible, horrible . . . horrible human being.

AUDREY No. You’re so sure of yourself. So honest. You’re some . . . kinda wonderful. You’re the only person I’ve ever met who sees the real me.PRODUCTION It’s kinda hot.

(She pushes ROSALIND [as COREY] into the stall, forcing a kiss. ROSALIND [as COREY] breaks free, then AUDREY grabs ROSALIND [as COREY] and tries to kiss again.)31 Broadway FOR ROSALIND (AS COREY) No! No!

(AUDREY looks at her, hurt) NOT ROSALIND (AS COREY) I mean, save it. For later.

100

AUDREY So you will come with me? Oh, Corey—

(Hugs ROSALIND [as COREY])

See you at eight.

(AUDREY exits. ROSALIND looks in the mirror)

MUSIC CUE #20: BE A LITTLE WILD REPRISE 2

ROSALIND BE A LITTLE WILD. CAUSE A LITTLE MISCHIEF. MAKE A SMALL MISTAKE. HIDE IN A DISGUISE.Perusal BE A LITTLE BRAVE. TRY TO BE

(Sighs)

HONEST YOU’RE FALLING IN TOO DEEP. FIND A WAY TO RISE . . .

(Song fades out as she walks toward) Licensing

PRODUCTION

Broadway FOR

NOT

101

SCENE 6A ARDEN MALL FOOD COURT / BANDSTAND

(ROSALIND passes by JACKIE)

JACKIE (To ROSALIND) I’ve been watching you. You’re barking up the wrong tree— I don’t think that dude you’ve been hanging out with is into dudes.

ROSALIND I’m not a guy. I’m a girl dressed as a guy. Why can’t anyone see that?

JACKIE Perusal Well, the mall is possessed.

ROSALIND I’m the girl he likes.

JACKIE I don’t see a problem here. Show up at the dance.

ROSALIND But if Corey’s not there for Audrey,Licensing Corey’s a jerk, and that means I’m a jerk. I gotta be him.

JACKIE (Very clear, not at all in her haze until the end of the monologue) Sounds to me like you’re making a big excuse PRODUCTIONso you won’t have to actually spend time with the guy you like because Heaven forbid he might actually get to know you and then realize he doesn’t even like left-handed singers from San Diego who grew up too fast and drink vodka!

ROSALIND Celia’sBroadway right. Maybe I don’t have FOR it in me to be with Orlando.

JACKIE And maybe I didn’t have it in me to sing opera at the Met. I could have been the next Maria Callas, or the next Beverly Sills, or the next Paula Abdul— NOT ROSALIND Why don’t you just be yourself?

102

JACKIE Why don’t you!?

ROSALIND I’m trying!

JACKIE Do you really like this guy?

ROSALIND Yes.

JACKIE Ah crap, I’m gonna do something I hate doing, which is helpPerusal you. Do NOT let anyone know that I have a heart of gold and I’m a walking cliché. You got that? YOU GOT THAT?32

ROSALIND Okay.

JACKIE Here’s what you’re gonna do: Hide behind us and change back and forth. We’ll cover you.

LicensingROSALIND Are you sure?

JACKIE Yeah, you can trust us. PRODUCTION ROSALIND Thank you!

(ROSALIND disappears behind their stand) Broadway FOR JACKIE (To audience) Actually, she can’t.

NOT

103

SCENE 6B THE DANCE

#21A GOTTA GET OUT REPRISE

(Uptempo music starts. Everyone appears in different areas)

AUDREY GOT MY DRESS. WILL HE TAKE THE CHANCE NOW?

ORLANDO WILL SHE SHOW? I’LL LEAVE IT TO CHANCE NOW

TOUCHTONE Perusal TREAT HER RIGHT, SHE’LL GIVE ME A CHANCE NOW

ROSALIND (AS COREY) THERE HE IS. OH GOD, NOW’S MY CHANCE

(JACKIE takes her place at the mic)

JACKIE LET THE PARTY BEGIN AT THE DANCE NOW! Licensing (The CHORUS rushes on to dance)

CHORUS GOTTA STEP OUT, GOTTA BUST OUT, GOTTA FREAK OUT AT THE DANCE PRODUCTION

#21B INTRO TO DANCE

(Scenes now intermix among couples dancing by. AUDREY enters Broadwaywith her minions TIFFANYFOR and MALLORY )

TIFFANY So where is this bodacious guy you’re dancing with?

AUDREY Shut up, he’ll beNOT here.

(TOUCHTONE enters)

104

MALLORY Is that him? Oh how the mighty have fallen.

AUDREY No.

(To TOUCHTONE)

I said I didn’t want anything to do with you, Ted.

TOUCHTONE I’m looking out for you. I’m not trying to mess with you. Corey isn’t real, okay—he’s—

(ROSALIND [as COREY] arrives) Perusal

AUDREY Corey!

ROSALIND (AS COREY) I wouldn’t let you down. You look . . . perfect.

MALLORY & TIFFANY (To ROSALIND [as COREY], smitten) So do you! Licensing

AUDREY He’s mine.

(Takes COREY to the dance floor) PRODUCTION

Out of our way, Ted.

(ORLANDO crosses. ROSALIND [as COREY] sees) Broadway FOR ROSALIND (AS COREY) Audrey—how ’bout a drink?

AUDREY I don’t need a drink. NOT ROSALIND (AS COREY) You will.33

105

(ROSALIND [as COREY] crosses through the dancing couples)

ORLANDO Dude, I don’t think she’s coming.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) WAIT! Isn’t that her over there by the punchbowl?

ORLANDO Where?

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Next to the guy spiking the punch.34 Perusal (She points the opposite direction. ORLANDO goes. ROSALIND [as COREY] bumps into SYLVIE)

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Excuse me.

SYLVIE Wait—

LicensingROSALIND (AS COREY) Sorry, I really can’t talk—gotta run!

(ROSALIND [as COREY] exits behind the band. SYLVIE and PHIL cross each other, then make a point to ignore each other. PHIL exits. Music gives way to a more tender balladPRODUCTION)

#21C THE DANCE BALLAD

(CELIA [as LADONNA] and OLIVER enter) Broadway FOR OLIVER So can I take you home after the dance?

CELIA (AS LADONNA) We just met. NOT

OLIVER I’m a gentleman. Where do you live?

106

CELIA (AS LADONNA) Near Courtland.

OLIVER But you go to Westlake.

CELIA (AS LADONNA) Near Westlake.

OLIVER But you said Courtland.

CELIA (AS LADONNA) Near Courtland. Okay. Both. Perusal

OLIVER Parents divorced?

CELIA (AS LADONNA) Yeah, my mom walked out. My dad has a girlfriend—and I do mean girl—Cyndi—who used to babysit me. It totally sucks.

OLIVER Yeah—my parents died in a carLicensing accident. I gotta take care of my brother, so I got some stupid job at my old high school.

CELIA (AS LADONNA) Do you want to talk about it? PRODUCTION OLIVER Do you care?

CELIA (AS LADONNA) YesBroadway— FOR

(Taken by surprise)

I actually care about you.

(LooksNOT at herself)

So that’s what it feels like.

107

OLIVER How?

CELIA (AS LADONNA) You should know. You care about me, too.

(They lean, about to kiss, but CELIA sees ROSALIND—as ROSALIND)

CELIA (AS LADONNA) Rosalind!

OLIVER Rosalind Duke? Perusal

CELIA (AS LADONNA) (Misdirecting him) No. Rosalind Maloney. From Home Ec. Don’t you see her buggy eyes? Um, I promised her I’d find her a date.

OLIVER But you go to Westlake and she—

LicensingCELIA (AS LADONNA) She and I met at the district . . . quilting bee. See you in a sec.

(She quickly exits)

OLIVERPRODUCTION Not if I see you first.

(He bumps into ORLANDO)

SorryBroadway— FOR

ORLANDO Oliver!

(SeeingNOT his transformation )

Oliver?

108

OLIVER Yeah. Aren’t I amazing?

ORLANDO I’m not here— I’m not here at the mall—

OLIVER ’Lando—it’s okay, I’m not going to do anything.

(Offering a hug)

I’ve been a jerk.

ORLANDO Perusal Don’t tell me—the “magic mall” has gotten to you.

OLIVER I’m in love.

ORLANDO Get outta here.

OLIVER Yes, her name is— Licensing

ORLANDO No, really, get outta here, you’re freaking me out.

OLIVERPRODUCTION Check the music store—I bought you back Dad’s guitar.

ORLANDO Now you’re really freaking me out. Broadway FOR OLIVER Can you forgive me?

ORLANDO Give me time. NOT

OLIVER Deal.

109

(ORLANDO blends into the dancing crowd. AUDREY looks around)

AUDREY Has anyone seen Corey? We’re supposed to be dancing together. Hello, I am asking a question!

(She bumps into the FRESHMAN)

FRESHMAN I told you. I’m just a freshman.

(To audience:

I AM JUST A FRESHMAN Perusal AND MY DATE IS IN THE EIGHTH GRADE BUT SHE DUMPED ME FOR A SEVENTH GRADER

AUDREY I can see why.

(AUDREY pushes him away. Elsewhere, CELIA finds ROSALIND)

CELIA What is going on? Licensing

ROSALIND I’m here. And so is Corey. Don’t give me ’tude— I’m in control.

CELIAPRODUCTION I’m here with Oliver—yeah—who’s loving me but not me me. I can’t risk him finding out who I really am. Don’t mess this up.

ROSALIND There’s Orlando. I gotta go. Broadway FOR (ROSALIND walks to ORLANDO. The band plays the MAGICAL ARDEN CHORD, then a strand of “It Could Totally Happen.”)

ROSALIND & ORLANDO Hello. NOT

ORLANDO Wow. I didn’t know if you’d want to see me after this morning. It’s a nice surprise.

110

ROSALIND That’s me—full of surprises.

ORLANDO You wanna dance?

(He pulls her to the dance floor just as the music ends)

Guess not.

(JACKIE takes the mic)

JACKIE All right, we’re going to start the dance contest. Perusal

ORLANDO You in?

AUDREY (Searching) Corey!

ROSALIND Um— Licensing

ORLANDO Been looking forward to it.

ROSALINDPRODUCTION Oh boy.

JACKIE We’re gonna break up in two groups. All of you on this side of the floor, we’ll start with you.Broadway FOR

(JACKIE points to AUDREY’s side, opposite from ROSALIND and ORLANDO)

AUDREY Excuse me, my NOTdate’s not back yet. Can you wait?

111

ROSALIND (To ORLANDO) I—I—I need to do something before we dance.

ORLANDO What?

ROSALIND Uh—learn how to dance. Kidding. Not really . . . kidding, I mean— (She forces cheesy laughter, then:) Be right back.

(ROSALIND bumps into SYLVIE)

ROSALIND Perusal Excuse me.

SYLVIE Hey—

ROSALIND Sorry, I really can’t talk—gotta run!

(ROSALIND quickly exits) Licensing SYLVIE I know that voice . . .

JACKIE You’ll each wear a number. If the judges give mePRODUCTION your number and I call it, you’ll move on to the finals. And of course, the winning couple becomes King and Queen and goes on MTV to be guest VJs with Martha Quinn!

(CROWD reacts in excitement. PHIL rushes to SYLVIE) Broadway FOR PHIL You know what really sucks? We could have danced together. We could have won this thing.

SYLVIE I’ll never win you.NOT

PHIL You have all of me except one part. 112

SYLVIE That’s a pretty big part.

PHIL Thanks.

SYLVIE You know what I meant. Don’t break my heart with a joke.35

(She walks away from him. ROSALIND [as COREY] runs in, bumping into SYLVIE)

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Excuse me. Perusal

SYLVIE Hey—

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Sorry, I really can’t talk—

ROSALIND (AS COREY) & SYLVIE Gotta run? Licensing (ROSALIND [as COREY] runs off)

SYLVIE Oh! My! God! He’s a girl! PRODUCTION #22 SO CLOSE, SO FAR AWAY

(PHIL nears ROSALIND [as COREY]. SYLVIE runs and grabs PHIL) Broadway FOR SYLVIE Wait!

PHIL What? NOT

SYLVIE I wanna dance with you—

113

PHIL Why all of a sudden?

SYLVIE You don’t want to know why! Just trust me.

PHIL (Looking at ROSALIND [as COREY]) There is something about him.

SYLVIE You bet there is! Come on, dance!!!

(SYLVIE takes PHIL’s arms. During the entire dance,Perusal she will not let PHIL go. Nearby, TOUCHTONE offers his hand for AUDREY)

AUDREY What is that?

TOUCHTONE I’m a good dancer. I express vertically what I want to express horizontally.36

AUDREY First off, Corey is my date. Second,Licensing ick.

ROSALIND (AS COREY) (Running in) I’m here! PRODUCTION AUDREY I thought you’d never make it back. Quick, put on your number.

(ROSALIND [as COREY] puts on the number “81.” BroadwayThe song erupts andFOR everyone dance )

JACKIE I WAS ODYSSEUS. I CROSSED THE OCEAN BLUE I BATTLED DEMONS AND MEN TO LIE NEXT TO YOU BUT WHEN I REACHED YOUR PORT YOU LEFT ME STRANDED, ALONE SO LIKE NOTTHE MAYTAG MAN, I WAITED BY THE PHONE

114

JACKIE ALL BUT JACKIE AND WAITED, AND WAITED, AH AND WAITED. WHERE WERE YOU? AH AND WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU STAY?37 AH I TRAVELED WIDE, WE CAME SO CLOSE AH BUT THEN YOU

ALL RAN SO FAR AWAY OH, SO CLOSE, SO FAR AWAY IT’S THE DANCE WE DANCE. IT’S THE GAME WE PLAY

JACKIE I STORM THROUGH HELL FOR YOU, YOU’RE OFF IN TAMPA BAY Perusal ALL YOU DRAW ME IN SO CLOSE THEN YOU PUSH ME SO FAR AWAY

(The music continues, as if the band is singing another verse. ROSALIND [as COREY] breaks off and heads toward ORLANDO. TOUCHTONE steps in to dance near AUDREY)

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Dude, are you okay? Licensing ORLANDO I think she bailed on me. Did I do something wrong?

ROSALIND (AS COREY) No! You didn’t. Just talk to her the way you talkPRODUCTION to me.

(AUDREY reaches for ROSALIND [as COREY] and pushes TOUCHTONE away)

ORLANDO Broadway(Aside) FOR OH, SO CLOSE, SO FAR AWAY

ROSALIND (Aside) IT’S THENOT DANCE WE DANCE. IT’S THE GAME WE PLAY

JACKIE All right, thank you dancers for your moves. The following numbers are moving on to the next level: 46, 81— 115

AUDREY 81!!! That’s us.

JACKIE —and 95.

(SYLVIE and PHIL—#95—hug each other, then pull away. ROSALIND [as COREY] sees ORLANDO looking around aimlessly)

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Oh no.

AUDREY Perusal Oh, what?

ROSALIND (AS COREY) What?

AUDREY You said “oh no.”

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Oh no. Yoko Ono. I’m going toLicensing tell the band not to play her songs. Be right back.

AUDREY Hurry.

(ROSALIND [as COREY] exits. TOUCHTONEPRODUCTION heads to AUDREY)

AUDREY Fine, you can dance. Now will you stop bugging me? Broadway FOR TOUCHTONE There’s a reason Corey keeps leaving you.

AUDREY There’s a reason I’m leaving you right now. NOT TOUCHTONE It is physically impossible for you to be with Corey. She has—

116

AUDREY She?

TOUCHTONE He. I said he. I meant to say he. Silly me.

AUDREY Fine, what’s your damage on Corey?

TOUCHTONE I can’t tell you without hurting both of you.

AUDREY Then buzz off. Perusal

(AUDREY exits. ROSALIND enters as ROSALIND and rushes to ORLANDO. She wears the number “18.”)

ROSALIND Hey.

ORLANDO You’re out of breath. Licensing ROSALIND Did my jazzercise. Let’s dance.

(They join the dance) PRODUCTION JACKIE WE WERE THE ISRAELITES. WE FLED OPPRESSION’S WHIP I MADE THE RED SEA PART FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP BUT IN THE PROMISED LAND YOU SAID MY MANNA WAS GROSS DID YOU TAKE DEXATRIM AND DID YOU OVERDOSE? Broadway FOR JACKIE ALL WE BOTH HAD AN APPETITE AH HOW DID YOU LOSE IT? AH YOU TOLD ME YOU LIKED MY FILET AH MY MENU,NOT MAN YOU WANTED SOME AH BUT THEN YOU

ALL RAN SO FAR AWAY 117

ALL (CONT’D) OH, SO CLOSE, SO FAR AWAY IT’S THE DANCE WE DANCE. IT’S THE GAME WE PLAY

JACKIE I GIVE MY HEART TO YOU, YOU COOK IT EN FLAMBÉ

ALL YOU DRAW ME IN SO CLOSE THEN YOU PUSH ME, PUSH ME SO FAR AWAY

(Music continues. CELIA [as LADONNA] and OLIVER dance on the other side) Perusal CELIA (AS LADONNA) There’s something I have to tell you.

OLIVER What? Are you really a mermaid?

CELIA (AS LADONNA) No, I’m—

LicensingOLIVER I have to tell you something, too. I wasted so much time pining for Celia. She always made me feel like a nobody. But you make me feel like a somebody.

(He kisses her) PRODUCTION Okay, what were you going to tell me?

CELIA I gotta get out of here.

Broadway(She exits) FOR

YOU DRAW ME IN SO CLOSE

OLIVER THEN YOUNOT PUSH ME SO FAR A—

(Focus shifts to ORLANDO and ROSALIND)

118

ALL (Hushed) OH, SO CLOSE—

ORLANDO So, I—

ROSALIND Yeah?

ALL (Hushed) SO FAR AWAY Perusal ORLANDO This is, you know, cool.

ROSALIND Yeah.

ALL (Hushed) IT’S THE DANCE WE DANCE Licensing ORLANDO Right?

ROSALIND Yeah. PRODUCTION

ALL (Hushed) IT’S THE GAME WE PLAY Broadway FOR (ROSALIND and ORLANDO stand, about to say something, then dance as the music and the room come back to normal)

ROSALIND & ORLANDO (Aside) I FIN’LY NOTGET MY CHAN CE AND I’VE GOT NOTHING TO SAY

ALL YOU DRAW ME IN SO CLOSE

119

ALL (CONT’D) THEN YOU PUSH ME SO FAR AWAY

JACKIE All right, the couples moving to the next level are 25, 3, 18,

(ROSALIND looks at her number—“18.”)

ROSALIND (To JACKIE) Hey, we’re 18.

JACKIE You can move out of your parents’ house now! Perusal

ROSALIND No! You put us—me and him—in the finals.

JACKIE Uh-oh.

(AUDREY walks up, fiddling with her “81.”)

LicensingAUDREY Excuse me, have you seen Corey? We’re supposed to be dancing in the finals.

ORLANDO So are we. PRODUCTION ROSALIND I’ll look for Corey.

AUDREY YouBroadway don’t know what he looks FORlike.

ORLANDO Yeah, come on—

ROSALIND No, I do—I— NOT

ORLANDO You two know each other? 120

ROSALIND Um—

JACKIE Couples, go . . . find your dates for the finals. ROSALIND (To JACKIE) Can you stall?

(CELIA [as LADONNA] runs in)

CELIA (AS LADONNA) Um, hello, um, I don’t know any of you but you— Perusal (To ROSALIND)

I love your dress, come here. I have to ask you about your dress.

(CELIA [as LADONNA] pulls ROSALIND away. They disappear behind the dancing couples.)

JACKIE ALL YOU’RE ACROSS THE STREET OOO I’M FROGGER DODGINGLicensing ALL THE CARS OH I’M JUMPING LOGS OOO TO BEAT YOUR HIGH SCORE AH

(As the CHORUS continues dancing in slow motion, SYLVIE trails PHIL, who searches for Corey. TOUCHTONEPRODUCTION trails AUDREY, also searching for Corey. ORLANDO searches for Rosalind. OLIVER searches for LaDonna)

JACKIE ALL IT’S MY LAST LIFE OOO BroadwayI’M DOWN TO ONE LAST FOR QUARTER OH BUT STILL I’LL PLAY OOO TILL YOU AND I SCORE OH AH

(Behind the band, CELIA keeps guard as she finishes up changing ROSALIND back into her Corey disguise) NOT ROSALIND Celia, stop.

121

CELIA No, I told you. You can’t be Rosalind. Oliver saw you. If he catches you, he might figure out what’s going on and then realize I’m Celia. And I like him way too much for that to happen.

ROSALIND So what are we supposed to do—hide behind our disguises forever? I can’t bail on Orlando.

(CELIA sees ORLANDO leave the dance floor)

CELIA You already have. Perusal ROSALIND What?

CELIA He’s gone.

(ROSALIND [as COREY] runs to the dance floor)

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Wait—where’s Orlando? Licensing

AUDREY Rosalind Duke must have stood him up. Ohmigod, Rosalind Duke has the guts the stand up Orlando Bateman.

ROSALIND (ASPRODUCTION COREY) No, this isn’t happening!

(ROSALIND [as COREY] tries to leave, but AUDREY pulls “him” in.) Broadway FOR AUDREY Come on!

JACKIE Here we go! NOT

(Music explodes into the final round. The dancing couples pare down to ROSALIND [as COREY] and AUDREY and SYLVIE and PHIL)

122

ALL OH, SO CLOSE, SO FAR AWAY

ROSALIND WHAT THE HEY?

ALL SO CLOSE

ROSALIND NO NOT OKAY!

ALL IF LOVE’S A BATTLEFIELD YOU’RE ALWAYS M.I.A.Perusal YOU DRAW ME IN SO CLOSE THEN YOU PUSH ME, PUSH ME SO FAR AWAY— AWAY—AWAY—AWAY—AWAY!

(JACKIE hands a trophy to ROSALIND [as COREY]. AUDREY grabs it)

JACKIE We have a winner! Licensing ALL SO CLOSE, SO FAR AWAY!

(Song ends) PRODUCTION #22A CORONATION MUSIC

(On the applause and playout, JACKIE leads ROSALIND [as COREY] and AUDREY to the stage) Broadway FOR JACKIE Ladies and gentlemen, your King and Queen.

AUDREY This is such an unexpected surprise. NOT (Takes out a piece of paper for a speech)

123

AUDREY (CONT’D) I’d first like to thank the accounting department at my father’s company for judging the dance contest.

(ORLANDO runs in with a guitar)

ORLANDO Wait!

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Wow—you play the guitar? I didn’t know that.

ORLANDO Dude, we’ve known each other for, like, three hours. My dadPerusal was starting to teach me how to play before he—

AUDREY Excuse me, isn’t there a coronation going on here?

ORLANDO Yeah, I know but—there’s a girl out there who I was afraid to talk to and I did some stupid things and now that I have everyone’s attention—I figure, she’s gotta hear me. I gotta do something kinda crazy, right? Licensing ROSALIND (AS COREY) I’m stunned.

AUDREY I know. I totally want the crowns. Now. PRODUCTION

(JACKIE knocks the crown into AUDREY’s head and pushes her off the stage)

Broadway FORJACKIE Ooops.

ORLANDO So can I?

NOT JACKIE What the hell? We were gonna take our break anyway.39

(Takes the mic)

124

JACKIE (CONT’D) Okay. The Seven Stages have a special guest. We are not responsible.

(ORLANDO takes the stage. ROSALIND [as COREY] stands close by)

#23 BE WITH ME

ORLANDO EVERY TIME I SEE YOU, I WISH I COULD WRITE A SONG BUT EVERY TIME I TRY TO WRITE, IT ALWAYS COMES OUT WRONG I WRESTLED WITH THE WORDS, AND I LANDED ON THESE THREE BE WITH ME. BE WITH ME. BE WITH ME Perusal

(The band starts to back him up. ROSALIND [as COREY] walks closer to him)

ROMEO MADE SPEECHES AND JULIET WENT

“Whoa!”

I’VE NEVER BEEN THE KIND OF GUY TO PUT ON SOME BIG SHOW I’VE ONLY GOT A SHORTLicensing REFRAIN, NO HUGE SOLILOQUY BE WITH ME. BE WITH ME. BE WITH ME AND THERE’S NOTHING, NOTHING YOU HAVE TO DO ALL YOU NEED TO BE WITH ME IS YOU SPEAK TO ME, I’LL LISTEN NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY COME TO ME, I’LL HOLD YOU FOREVERPRODUCTION AND A DAY YOU’RE EVERYTHING.

You’re it.

YOU GIVE ME MEANING, DON’T YOU SEE? BroadwayBE WITH ME. BE WITH FOR ME. BE WITH —

(ROSALIND [as COREY] leans in and kisses him. Music abruptly stops. He pushes away immediately, freaked out. The crowd gasps in shock) NOT ORLANDO Dude!

125

PHIL No way I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

ROSALIND (AS COREY) No, it’s not what it looks like.

SYLVIE (To ROSALIND [as COREY]) Please, tell him who you are.

ORLANDO Tell who what?

SYLVIE Perusal Please!

AUDREY Ohmigod! My King’s a Queen!

TOUCHTONE (To ROSALIND [as COREY]) Please, tell her who you are.

LicensingORLANDO Tell who what?

TOUCHTONE Please! PRODUCTION (CELIA [as LADONNA] runs to the stage. OLIVER runs after her)

OLIVER Why do you keep running away from me? Broadway FOR CELIA (AS LADONNA) (To ROSALIND [as COREY]) Please, don’t tell him who you are.

ORLANDO Tell who what? NOT

CELIA (AS LADONNA) Please!

126

(Chaos as everyone corners ROSALIND, shouting at her)

ROSALIND Stop! I’m a girl! I’m Rosalind!

(She reveals herself. EVERYONE GASPS IN SHOCK)

AUDREY What!

ORLANDO What!

OLIVER Perusal What!

PHIL A girl?

AUDREY Rosalind Duke?

OLIVER Rosalind Duke? Licensing

PHIL A girl?

ORLANDOPRODUCTION You’re really Rosalind?

ROSALIND I’m— Broadway FOR PHIL A girl?

AUDREY You tramp! NOT

(AUDREY ATTACKS ROSALIND)

127

CELIA (AS LADONNA) Get off of her—

(CELIA [as LADONNA] gets into the fray. Catfight. OLIVER and TOUCHTONE try to break the three up)

ROSALIND Stop! No! Celia! Celia!

(Breaking them up)

Celia!!!

(OLIVER backs off) Perusal

OLIVER Celia? Celia?

(AUDREY backs off)

AUDREY Celia?

LicensingCELIA Yes.

(She removes her hair bow. EVERYONE GASPS IN EVEN BIGGER SHOCK) PRODUCTION CELIA (To OLIVER) Celia.

Broadway FOROLIVER Is anyone else here someone else?

ORLANDO What is going on?

NOT ROSALIND I wanted you

(To OLIVER) 128

ROSALIND (CONT’D) but you suspended me,

(To AUDREY) and you said we’d be arrested.

(To SYLVIE and PHIL)

I didn’t mean to hurt you.

(To CELIA) Perusal Or you.

AUDREY (To TOUCHTONE) You knew about this and wanted to tell me, didn’t you?

TOUCHTONE I tried.

LicensingAUDREY You wanted to protect me.

TOUCHTONE Yeah—who’d a thunk? PRODUCTION AUDREY You like me?

TOUCHTONE Everything about you. Broadway FOR AUDREY I love you, Ted!

(They immediately kiss) NOT TOUCHTONE Chicka-chickah.

129

(TOUCHTONE and AUDREY exit)

PHIL You’re a girl!

ROSALIND Yes.

PHIL (To SYLVIE) He’s a—

SYLVIE I know. Perusal

PHIL You danced with me so I wouldn’t find out.

SYLVIE Yeah. I didn’t want to see you get hurt. But then you and I had fun. It was better than a date.

PHIL You’re gonna make some guy Licensingvery lucky one day.

SYLVIE And you?

PHILPRODUCTION I might be more confused now. I really need my best friend.

SYLVIE You pick the IHOP. I’ll drive. Broadway FOR (PHIL and SYLVIE exit. ROSALIND, CELIA, ORLANDO, and OLIVER don’t know what to do next)

OLIVER I never saw you here. Today never happened. NOT CELIA Does that mean you and I never happened?

130

OLIVER It means the glorified hall monitor didn’t do his job.

CELIA Oh.

OLIVER So I guess your dad’s gonna fire me.

CELIA Oh.

OLIVER Because it would be kinda weird if I was dating a student, especiallyPerusal his daughter.

CELIA Oh.

(Realizes, happy)

Oh!

(To ROSALIND) Licensing I know what it’s like to want someone.

ROSALIND I see. PRODUCTION (CELIA and OLIVER exit. ROSALIND takes a breath and turns to ORLANDO)

ORLANDO IBroadway can’t believe you. FOR

ROSALIND I’m sor—

ORLANDO No! Sorry is notNOT enough. You can’t play with people like that.

ROSALIND But it all worked out with everybody. 131

ORLANDO I’m not everybody! (He runs off. ROSALIND runs after him)

ROSALIND Wait!

ORLANDO No!

(He leaves)

JACKIE Wow, we should play malls more often. This is better than Dynasty.Perusal

ROSALIND He left his guitar.

JACKIE Here, take it. What the two of you could have is too good to give up. Don’t be like me. Go to him. Tell him everything. Ah crap, I’m crying—no, I’m not—oh, dammit I am. Stupid mall.40

(ROSALIND takesLicensing Orlando’s guitar. She adjusts her costume to become someone new—no longer Corey, no longer the old Rosalind)

#24 BE A LITTLE WILD REPRISE 3

ROSALINDPRODUCTION NO MORE RUNNING AND HIDING NO MORE CRAFTY AND SLY IT’S TIME TO TELL THE TRUTH BEHIND THE LIE IT’S TIME TO BE THE GIRL BEHIND THE GUY Broadway FOR (Music continues under)

NOT

132

SCENE 7 COURTLAND HIGH SCHOOL

(STUDENTS crossover, some pointing and giggling at ROSALIND. She finds ORLANDO at his locker. She offers him the guitar)

ROSALIND I couldn’t find you Friday night. You didn’t take my calls all weekend. We spent three years not talking to each other. I can’t wait another three. Please say something.

(Music ends)

ORLANDO (Flat) Perusal Thanks for the guitar.

ROSALIND Of course. I figured since you told me about—

ORLANDO I didn’t tell you anything. I wasn’t talking to you on Friday.

ROSALIND Yes you were. Licensing

ORLANDO What did you think you were doing?

ROSALINDPRODUCTION I wanted to know you.

ORLANDO Then you should’ve just come out and talked to me! Broadway FOR ROSALIND I couldn’t, okay? And face it, you couldn’t either. Orlando, we never would have worked out.

ORLANDO Then why botherNOT talking to me now?

#25 FINALE

133

ROSALIND Because it did work when I was Corey! You opened up to me and the more you opened up the more I fell in love with you and the more I fell in love with you, the more I wanted to be the girl you wanted, but I was being more myself as the guy that you were with because I had the balls to talk to you— and I wanted you to love that guy—except not the balls part, but I’m him and I’m me and41

THERE’S NO ONE—NO ONE ELSE I CAN BE BUT NOW I’M HERE

I’m here.

PLEASE BE WITH ME Perusal ORLANDO IT’S NOT THAT EASY—

ROSALIND BE WITH ME

ORLANDO IT’S NOT THAT EASY—

LicensingROSALIND SPEAK TO ME I’LL LISTEN NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY SHOW ME YOUR WORST SIDE, I’LL TAKE YOU ANYWAY I’LL GIVE YOU ALL I AM. WHAT YOU’LL GET IS WHAT YOU SEE BE WITH ME PRODUCTION ORLANDO BE WITH ME

ROSALIND & ORLANDO BE WITH ME Broadway FOR (They kiss. The other characters appear, the couples singing to each other, overlapping their lines)

CELIA (RepeatingNOT x5) GOTTA SHOW UP GOTTA LET GO GOTTA BUST THROUGH ALL OUR WALLS

134

OLIVER (Repeating x4) OH WHOA YOU’RE BECOMING A PERSON THANKS TO YOU, NOW I AM, TOO

PHIL & SYLVIE (Repeating x1.5) WE’LL SAY MORE THAN WE DID BEFORE WE’LL HAVE MORE THAN WE DID BEFORE

AUDREY & TOUCHTONE (Repeating x5) I WANNA KNOW YOU! Perusal CHORUS (Overlapping with above) OHHHHHH

ROSALIND (Overlapping with above) BE WITH ME I’M HERE NOW

ORLANDO I’M HERE NOW Licensing

ROSALIND & ORLANDO WE’RE HERE NOW BE WITH ME

ALLPRODUCTION I’LL LOWER MY GUARD I’LL LET YOU INSIDE I’LL BE ALL I AM WE DON’T HAVE TO HIDE Broadway FOR ’CAUSE IT ALL GOES ON LIKE YOU LIKE IT AND IT ALL TURNS OUT LIKE YOU LIKE IT IF YOU JUST REACH OUT LIKE

ORLANDO (ToNOT ROSALIND) I LIKE YOU

135

ALL LIKE

ROSALIND (To ORLANDO) I GET YOU

ALL LIKE

CELIA & OLIVER (To each other) I WANT YOU Perusal ALL LIKE

PHIL (To SYLVIE) I NEED YOU

SYLVIE (To PHIL) I ACCEPT YOU Licensing

ROSALIND & CELIA (To each other) I FORGIVE YOU PRODUCTION AUDREY (To TOUCHTONE) I COULD STAND YOU

TOUCHTONE Broadway(To AUDREY) FOR I COULD DO YOU!42 FIRST HALF OF VOICES. I COULD LOVE YOU SECOND HALF OF VOICES. LIKE YOU LOVE ME FIRST HALF OF VOICES. I COULD LOVE YOU ALL. LIKE,NOT I LOVE YO U!

End of Play

136

#26 BOWS

(And the end of the curtain call, the company sings)

COMPANY IT ALL GOES ON LIKE YOU LIKE IT! IT ALL ENDS UP LIKE YOU LIKE IT! IT ALL TURNS OUT LIKE YOU LIKE IT!

#27 EXIT MUSIC

Perusal

Licensing

PRODUCTION

Broadway FOR

NOT

137

APPENDIX

LIKE YOU LIKE IT ALTERNATES

1. ALTERNATE OPENING FOR A LARGE CAST

#1 LIKE YOU LIKE IT

(The band plays the MAGICAL ARDEN CHORD. A group of HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS appears—dressed very a propos of 1980s John Hughes high school movies—a NECKBRACE GIRL, a FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT, GOTH GIRL, RICH GIRLS, JOCKS. CELIA DUKE, a high school senior in one of those hanging-off-the shoulder sweaters, emerges) Perusal

CELIA I GOT A STORY. I GOT A STORY I GOT A STORY LIKE AN OLD MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE

STUDENT 1 THERE WAS A SENIOR

ALL GIRL! Licensing

STUDENT 2 WHO LIKED A SENIOR

ALLPRODUCTION BOY!

STUDENT 3 WHO GOT TOGETHER LIKE AN OLD MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE

Broadway FORALL SHE LIKED HIM. HE LIKED HER

STUDENT 4 BUT THERE WAS SOMEONE ELSE WHO LIKED HIM NOT ALL PLUS A GEEK CHASING HER FRIEND

138

STUDENT 5 SHE ENDS UP WITH AN UNEXPECTED GUY

STUDENT 6 & 7 ADD A COUPLE MORE COUPLES

CELIA Confused? So am I—

BUT IT ALL TURNS OUT LIKE YOU LIKE IT

ALL LIKE AN OLD MOLLY RINGWALD MOVIE Perusal CELIA IT ALL GOES ON LIKE YOU LIKE IT

ALL THAT THEY REPLAYED ON CABLE

CELIA ALL (BUT CELIA) AND REPLAYED AND REPLAYED AND REPLAYED Licensing REPLAYED AND REPLAYED REPLAYED AND REPLAYED PRODUCTIONREPLAYED

ALL AND REPLAYED

CELIA BroadwayBUT YOU WATCHED ITFOR ’CAUSE YOU LIKED IT

ALL LIKE YOU LIKE IT NOT CELIA I’m Celia Duke and I’m a senior at Courtland High School, and if this were a movie, I’d be all voiceover-ing and whatever, but don’t worry, that’s so not going to happen.

139

STUDENT 8 The story you’re gonna see takes place in 1985 on the night of the grand opening of the Arden Mall.

CELIA Well, okay, that’s information you’ll need.

STUDENT 9 Yeah, they mowed down the Arden Forest to make way for the Gap and a food court and the Cineplex and made that totally cheesy commercial.

STUDENT 10 (Like a commercial) “They say the Arden Forest was an enchanted forest. Who knows,Perusal you might find enchantment in the shops at the Arden Mall.”

(Back to normal)

Oooooh. It’s enchanted. Come on, it’s a mall.

CELIA (Pushing away the other would-be narrators) And that concludes the portion of the evening where we narrate. Yeah, we’re gonna be characters in the story now. Licensing

STUDENT 11 (As in Ferris Bueller—low voice) Oh . . . yeah. Chicka-chickah.

(Lights shock up on the lower level, PRODUCTIONwhere STUDENTS go about the bustle of school. But CELIA can’t resist the urge to narrate)

CELIA IT WAS A FRIDAY. IT WAS SEPTEMBER BroadwayIT WAS THE EIGHTIES. FORTHAT’S WHY WE’RE DRESSED LIKE THIS YOU SEE THE HEADBANDS. YOU SEE THE IZODS DON’T BE DISGUSTED, WE ALL HAD TO DRESS LIKE THIS

2. ALTERNATE DIALOGUE FOR TOUCHTONE (IF USING THE ORIGINAL OPENING NUMBER) NOT TOUCHTONE With the passion of a senior. I mean in high school, not a senior citizen. That’s a totally different story, like that movie Harold and Maude with Ruth Gordon. She was an old chick and he was a— 140

3. ALTERNATE DIALOGUE FOR TOUCHTONE

TOUCHTONE I got my license—so we could go driving, you and me, maybe to the mall tonight . . . and we could go to the dance—

4. DIFFERENT ASSIGNMENTS FOR LARGE-CAST VERSION

ALL YOU’LL SEE THE CATFIGHT! THAT HAPPENS LATER!

CELIA YOU CAN’T IMAGINE WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENS NEXT MORE THAN A MOVIE, MORE LIKE IN SHAKESPEARE WELL, MORE LIKE CLIFFS NOTES Perusal

(Spoken)

Hey, it’s not like sacred text.

ALL PLANS GET MADE, PLANS GO WRONG AND NO ONE GETS EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANTED BUT WE’LL SEE WHO GETS WHO Licensing CELIA WHEN EVERYBODY WINDS UP AT THE MALL

ALL FOR THE BIGGEST SOCIAL EVENT OFPRODUCTION THE FALL

CELIA WHERE EVERYBODY’S DESTINY GETS AN OVERHAUL

5. ALTERNATE LYRIC FOR TOUCHTONE Broadway FOR TOUCHTONE I’M GONNA GET HER

6. ALTERNATE LYRICS FOR ROSALIND

NOT ROSALIND NO MORE STUDYING NIGHTLY NO MORE BUSTING MY REAR

141

Oh gosh.

TIME FOR ALL THOSE BOOKS TO DISAPPEAR TIME TO OPEN UP AND SAY I’M HERE

7. ALTERNATE DIALOGUE FOR CELIA

CELIA You know I worship you, but are you sure you’re ready to do that?

8. ALTERNATE DIALOGUE FOR CELIA

CELIA He wouldn’t notice. He’s too busy playing tonsil hockey with my ex-babysitter. Ohmigod, that was totally out loud. Perusal

9. ALTERNATE DIALOGUE FOR CELIA

CELIA Why worry about your A-minus when there’s an A-plus standing right over there? You really wanna stop hiding? Go!

10. ALTERNATE LYRICS IN “IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN”

The “Holy crap” lyrics can be changedLicensing to “Ohmigod” or “Oh my gosh” throughout.

11. ALTERNATE LYRIC FOR ROSALIND

ROSALIND SO WE FELL INTO A TOTAL TRAP PRODUCTION 12. ALTERNATE DIALOGUE FOR CELIA

CELIA Yeah, I saw that movie, too, but, um I am NOT Yentl.

Broadway FOR13. LINE CUTS

Omit the dialogue from after “challenge” and go straight to the stage direction:

(She heads toward SYLVIE, then retreats) NOT 14. ALTERNATE LYRIC FOR SYLVIE

SYLVIE LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR— 142

15. LINE CUTS At the beginning of the scene, Touchtone enters with them to facilitate omission of his later entrance and cutting his line “Someone has a stalker.”

16. ALTERNATE DIALOGUE FOR TOUCHTONE

TOUCHTONE I give up. What do I have to do to get you to like me? I give you compliments, I drive you, and all you do is avoid me.

17. LINE CUTS Omit dialogue from the after “. . . look like you didn’t” and resume at Celia’s “Fine, let’s say . . .” Perusal 18. ALTERNATE DIALOGUE (CELIA AND TOUCHTONE)

Changing “want” and “stalk” to “like” throughout:

CELIA What, all of a sudden you don’t like me?

TOUCHTONE You’re too much work. Licensing #9 BLAME IT ON THE MALL

CELIA Wait. You don’t like me? PRODUCTION TOUCHTONE Do you like me?

And later in the lyrics: Broadway FOR CELIA AND I LIKE THE WAY YOU LIKE ME

CELIA DON’T BLAME ME IF I LIKE YOU. NOT

143

19. ALTERNATE LYRIC FOR TOUCHTONE

TOUCHTONE WHOA, IT’S REAL— IT’S SO WOW, YOU’RE NOT BEING MEAN

20. ALTERNATE LYRIC FOR TOUCHTONE

TOUCHTONE DON’T BLAME ME IF I LIKE YOU

21. ALTERNATE DIALOGUE FOR ORLANDO

ORLANDO (Defensive) Who are you? Perusal

22. CUTS IN DIALOGUE This will also create an alternate music cue. Cut from “. . . social commentary?” through “Naked? M—her?” then resume with following change in dialogue:

ORLANDO Oh yeah.

23. ALTERNATE LYRIC FOR ORLANDO & ROSALIND (AS COREY) Licensing ROSALIND (AS COREY) & ORLANDO BUT IT’S HARD ENOUGH TO WATCH A CHANCE GO BY

24. ALTERNATE DIALOGUE FOR ROSALIND (AS COREY)

ROSALIND (ASPRODUCTION COREY) You bet! And I will embarrass myself to help you, too.

25. ALTERNATE DIALOGUE FOR CELIA

CELIA TouchtoneBroadway and I kissed. We’re FORleaving.

26. ALTERNATE LYRIC FOR ROSALIND

ROSALIND NO, NO,NOT NO, I AM NOT A WITCH

144

27. ALTERNATE LYRIC FOR CELIA

CELIA I WON’T BLOW A FUSE, OR MAKE A TOTAL FUSS

28. ALTERNATE LYRIC FOR CELIA CELIA. HE’S A HICK

29. ALTERNATE DIALOGUE FOR TOUCHTONE

TOUCHTONE With a festering, gnawing sense of regret and disappointment, but something has begun and now I have the urge to— Perusal (To a passing girl)

Hey, how’s it goin’?

(To ROSALIND)

See?

30. ALTERNATE LYRICS FOR TOUCHTONE Licensing #16 BLAME IT ON THE MALL REPRISE

TOUCHTONE THAT WAS WRONG. I UPSET HER YES, I THINK I HURT HER FEELINGSPRODUCTION SHE HAS FEELINGS? SHE’S A GIRL WITH SOME REAL BIG . . . HEART WAS I MEAN? WELL, A LITTLE WHY IS THIS SO DARN CONFUSING IF IT’S TIME TO MAKE A CHANGE, HOW DO I START? BroadwaySO, OH NO, SHE’S IN FORFOR A SHOCK I JUST CAN’T LET HER HEAD FOR A FALL WHAT’S THIS SURGE OF AN URGE TO PROTECT HER AT THE DANCE? SHE’S MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE, AND DESERVES A SECOND GLANCE I’M SEEING WHO SHE IS NOW BLAME IT ON . . . LOVE? NOT 31. ALTERNATE STAGE DIRECTION

(She leans in to kiss, but ROSALIND [as COREY] stops her)

145

32. ALTERNATE DIALOGUE FOR JACKIE

JACKIE Ah man, I’m gonna do something I hate doing, which is help you.

33. ALTERNATE DIALOGUE FOR ROSALIND (AS COREY) Replace three lines from “Audrey—how ’bout a drink?” to “You will.”

ROSALIND (AS COREY) (To AUDREY) Hold that thought

34. ALTERNATE DIALOGUE FOR ROSALIND (AS COREY)

ROSALIND (AS COREY) Perusal There!

35. ALTERNATE DIALOGUE FOR PHIL, CUTS IN DIALOGUE

PHIL You know what really stinks? We could have danced together. We could have won this thing.

SYLVIE I’ll never win you. Licensing

Cut the rest of their dialogue and resume with the stage direction:

(“She walks away . . .”)

36. ALTERNATE DIALOGPRODUCTIONUE FOR TOUCHTONE

TOUCHTONE I’m a good dancer. I carefully studied music videos in my quantum physics class.

37. ALTERNATE LYRIC FOR JACKIE Broadway FOR JACKIE AND WHY OH WHY DIDN’T YOU STAY?

38. ALTERNATE LYRIC FOR JACKIE NOT JACKIE I STORM THE GATES FOR YOU, YOU’RE OFF IN TAMPA BAY

146

39. ALTERNATE DIALOGUE FOR JACKIE

JACKIE Fine. We were gonna take our break anyway.

40. ALTERNATE DIALOGUE FOR JACKIE

JACKIE Here, take it. What the two of you could have is too good to give up. Don’t be like me. Go to him. Tell him everything. Ah crud, I’m crying—no, I’m not—oh, gosh darnit I am. Stupid mall.

41. ALTERNATE DIALOGUE FOR ROSALIND AT END OF MONOLOGUE

ROSALIND Perusal . . . but I was being more myself as the guy that you were with because I had the guts to talk to you—and I wanted you to love that guy—except not a guy, because I’m a girl, and I’m Corey and I’m me and

42. ALTERNATE LYRICS FOR AUDREY & TOUCHTONE

AUDREY (To TOUCHTONE) I COULD DATE YOU Licensing TOUCHTONE (To AUDREY) I WOULD LET YOU!

PRODUCTION

Broadway FOR

NOT

147 Perusal

Licensing

PRODUCTION

Broadway FOR

NOT LIKE YOU LIKE IT THE MUSICAL

BOOK & LYRICS BY Sammy Buck MUSIC BY Daniel S. Acquisto

SCORE SAMPLE

Broadway Licensing Perusal

NOT FOR PRODUCTION

01/12/18 Perusal

Licensing

PRODUCTION

Broadway FOR

NOT LIKE YOU LIKE IT PC 01

Opening - Like You Like It Music: Daniel S. Acquisto Lyric: Sammy Buck Orchestrations: Daniel S. Acquisto

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NOT

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ALL: 19 20 21PRODUCTION22 f j ### œ œ œ œ œœ & œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ j œn œ œn œ œn œ œ œ# œ Plusœ a geekœ chasœ -œ ingœ her friend.œ Sheœ ends up withœan œ un - ex-pect-ed guy. Addœ a

# # j œ & #Broadwayœ œ œ. œ œ œ œFORœ œ. j ∑ ∑ œ œ œ. œ œ œ œ. œ b n˙˙ ˙˙ cresc. n˙˙ ˙˙ n ˙ ˙ n ˙ ˙ f DAEDsus4 Asus4 E P C7sus4 C7 D7sus4 D7 ? # # # j œ NOTœ œ ˙n ˙ ˙ ˙ œ œ. œ ˙ PC - 3 - Opening - Like You Like It

TOUCHTONE: CELIA: 23 24 25 # # j & # œb œ œ œn œn œ ¿ ¿ŒŒ¿ ¿ ¿ŒŒ coup - le more coup - les. ConJ - fused. So am I— Butœ œN it

Optional Patch Change Synth Brass w/slight mufﬂe # ## ∑ Ó Œ Ó & b b˙˙ ˙˙ b nœœ b nœœ œn b ˙ ˙n f b œ n œ œ 7 4 7 7 4 F sus F Eb sus Eb7 ? ### Ó Œ Ó ˙b ˙ œn ˙n 26 27 28 29 CELIA: # # Perusal & # ˙ ˙ ˙ œ œ œ œ ŒÓ Ó Œ‰ j all turns out like you like it.œ. œIt TOUCHTONE: (Opt. 8va) # # & # ∑ ∑ Œ j j j ‰ Likeœ anœ oldœ Mol- œ lyœ Ring-œ waldœ movœ œ - ie.œ # ## j j j j & n œ œ œ œ œ œ œ. œ œ œ ŒŒ‰ œ œ œ Ó œ œ œ œ œ œ œ . œ œ œ œ œ œ E7sus4 LicensingE7 # j œ j œ œ j œ j œ œ ? ## ‰ œ œ ‰ œ œ ‰ œ œ ‰ œ œ œn œ œ œ > > > > ◊ CELIA: 30 31 PRODUCTION32 33 # # & # ˙ ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ ŒÓ ∑ all goes on like you like it.œ. TOUCHTONE: (Opt. 8va) ### & Broadway∑ FOR∑ Œ j j j . Thatœ theyœ reœ - playedœ œ onœ caœ -œ ble.œ # ## j j j Œ. j Ó & œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ. œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œ œ œ NOTœ œ œ œ . œ œ œ œ œ œ œ D6/E E7 # j j œ j j œ ? ## ‰ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ > > > > (◊) LIKE YOU LIKE IT PC 03 Music: Daniel S. Acquisto Orlando Lyric: Sammy Buck Orchestrations: Daniel S. Acquisto Warning: JOCK 2: "Welcome back to the team!" Cue: JOCK 1: "No doubt. Audrey Shepherd’s worth it." Heavy & moderate "Hair Band" shufﬂe

Rock Synth Brass 1 q = c 174 2 # # # # 4 . ∑ ∑ . & 4 Drs: heavy Shufﬂe beat

PGtr: Crunch Dist. ∑ Œ . ∑ # œ ? # # 4 . œ ‰ ‰ œ œ œ œn œ œ œ . # 4 Bs.. œ œ . œ ‰‰ œ Œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ P œ œ œ Perusal

3 ORLANDO: Tough, cool attitude f 4 5 6 # ## j & # Œ œ œ ‰ œ œ Œ Œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ Oh yeah, eve - ry-thing'sœ œ great.œ You bet I'm gon - naœ makeœ weight.œ

# ## & # ∑ ∑ ∑ ∑ E Licensing F ∑Œ . ∑ ∑Œ . ∑ # œ œ ? ## # œ ‰‰ œ œ œ œn œ œ œ œ œ ‰‰ œ œ œ œn œ œ œ œ œ ‰‰ œ Œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰‰ œ Œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ PRODUCTIONœ œ œ JOCKS: 7 8 9 10 #### j j & Œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ ˙ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ Œ And take us straight toœ State.œ We got Or-lan - do! œ # Broadway# FOR ? & # # ∑ ∑ ˙ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ ˙ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ J F E/A A/C# B/E B F#m 7 ∑ . ∑ ∑ ∑ Œ œ œ œ œ. # œ œ œ œ ˙ œ j ? ## # œ ‰‰ œ NOTœ œ œn œ œ œ œ œ œ. œ œn œ œn œ œ ‰‰ œ Œ œ œ œ œ ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ. œ œn œ œn œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ œ J

Samadhi440 Music Services ©2016 Daniel S. Acquisto & Sammy Buck PC - 2 - Orlando ORLANDO: 11 12 13 14 # ## & # Œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ Œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ The champ who's nev - erœ goneœ down.œ I'll tram - ple e - venœ theœ best. K2 [Dist. Gtr.] # ∑ œ œ ∑œ ∑ œ œ ∑œ ? ## # J J J J & œ ‰‰ œ ‰ œ ‰ ‰ œ ‰ œ Œ œ ‰‰ œ ‰ œ ‰ ‰ œ ‰ œ Œ J J J J P E ∑Œ . ∑ ∑Œ . ∑ ? # # œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ # # œ ‰‰ œ œ œ œ œn œ œ œ œ œ ‰‰ œ œ œ œ œn œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œn œ œ œ œ œ œ œn œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ

JOCKS: 15 16 Perusal17 # ## & # ˙ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ Œ œ œ œ œ œ œ We got Or - lan - do! An - y - thing you do leaves # # j & # # ˙ œ Œ ˙ œ ˙ œ œ œ œ œœ. œ ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ . œ F m 7 F#m 7 E/A A/C# E/B B # E/A C#m j √ ˙ ∑ œ œ œ. œ∑ œ œ ˙ ∑ œ ? # # ˙ œ œ œ. œ œ ˙ œ œ # # œ œ œ œ. œ œ ˙ œ Licensingœ œ ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ œ

BOY #1: 18 19 20 # ## j ## & # œ œ ŒÓPRODUCTIONÓ Œ‰ œ eve - ry - oneœ imœ -œ pressed. œ He # # # & # # # ˙ ˙ w w ˙ ˙ w w BroadwayB A FORE Drs. ﬁll ∑ œ œ ∑ œ ∑ ˙ ˙ ˙ œ ‰‰ œ Œ œ œ œ œn œ ? # # ˙ ˙ œ œ œ # # # ˙ œ œ # ˙ œ œ ‰ œ ˙ œ œ œ œ œn œ NOT œ œ œ œ PC - 3 - Orlando

21 GIRL #1: BOY #1: GIRL #2: 22 23 24 # j j j j j j j & # œ œ œ œ œ œ œ j j œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰‰ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ got my vote for stu - dent counœ œ - cil. He did-n't run. I wrote him in. He

K2[Sting Pad] Ó Œ œ ## Œ œ œ Nœ ‰ œ w Œ œ œ œ ‰ œ ˙ ˙˙ œ & œ œN œœ œ w œ œ œ œœ ˙˙ ˙˙ A G A G A K2 [AnalogP Pad] sus chords staccato ∑ ∑ ∑ ∑ ? # œ # œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œN œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ œ œ ˙ œ œ œ œ ˙N . œ œ ˙. F BOY #2: GIRL #2: 25 26 27 Perusal28 # j # ## & # œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ. ‰ œ œ œ# œ œ œ œ# œ œ œ ¿ # saw me once at my lock -J er. He said, "Hey, Lee - anne." But your name is Lynn. So?

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29 a la "I Want Candy" AUDREY: PRODUCTION 30 31 32 #### j & Œ œa œ. œ œ Œ Œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ He's got all theœ rightœ stuff.œ He's so bo - da - ciousœ andœ buff.œ

Elec. Gtr. Chorus & Mild Distortion BroadwayGtr: choke strum FOR # ## ∑ & # ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ∑ (Gtr. con't)œn œ œ œn œ œ > Drs: Tom groove> > œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ E K2 [E.Gtr] œ ∑ ∑ nœ œ ∑ ∑ nœ œ ŒÓ Ó Œ œ œ ŒÓ Ó Œ œ ? #### œ NOT œn œ œn ‰‰ Œ œ œn œ œ œ œ ‰‰ Œ œ œn œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ . . LIKE YOU LIKE IT PC Easy Way Out 10 Music: Daniel S. Acquisto Lyric: Sammy Buck Orchestrations: Daniel S. Acquisto Warning: ROSALIND: "You imagine her naked?" Cue: ORLANDO: "Hell, yeah."

Sweetly DX-7 E. Piano or DX-7 Suitcaise 1, 2, or 3 solo 1 2 3 4 œ œ # ## 4 œ œ œ œ & # 4 j œ. j j œ œ œœ. œœ ˙˙ œ. œœ ˙˙ œœ. œœ ˙˙ œ+ K2. [Mellow Brs.] . œ ˙ œ . p p # . jPerusal ? ## # 4 œ. œ ˙ œ. j œ œ ˙ ˙ ˙ J œ ˙ œ. œ ˙

5 6 7 Uw # # œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ g w & # # œ œ œ œ œ g

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8 Slightly Faster q = 100 ORLANDO: 9 10 #### & ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Spoken: FreshJ -man as- sem - bly, nextJ row JPRODUCTIONo - ver, Sung: there's a pret-ty girl as lost as solo œ œ œ œ œ œ œ # ## œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ & # œ œ œ œ œ œ œ BroadwayE(no3rd) E(no3rd)/D# FORA(add9)/C# A(add9) E(no3rd) E(no3rd)/D# q = 90 ? # # ˙ j ˙ # # ˙ œ. œ œ œ ˙ NOT

11 12 13 #### & w ‰ j œ œ œ œ œ. œ œ Œ me. Soœ muchœ inœ com - mon,œ got - ta ﬁnd the right words.œ œ # œ œ œ œ ## # œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ & œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ A(add9)/C# A(9)/B E/B A E/G# C#m B(no3rd) A ? # # j # # œ. œ œ œ ˙ ˙ œ œ œ ˙

14 15 16 # ## # Œ & Œ œ œ Œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ Perusal‰ j œ œ œ ‰ j œ œ œ Thenœ theœ bell rings.œ What will it be? Weœ both get up, myœ teeth are numb, √œ j œ œ # ## ˙ œ. œ œ œ œ œ œ œ & # ˙ Œ œ œ. œ œ œ œ ˙ + Cym or Tri. œ. œ œ E(no3rd) E(no3rd)/D# F#m7 F#m7 Asus2/B B/D# w ˙ ? # # # # œ œ œ w Licensingœ œ œ +Ó Mellow Brs. ROSALIND: 17 18 19 # ## # j . j & ‰ j œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œ ‰ j œ œ œ ‰ j œ œ ˙ ‰ œ myœ throat is dry, I'm feel - ing dumb. SheœPRODUCTION pas - ses by, sheœ gets a - way. The # # œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ & # # œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ Asus2/B E(no3rd)/C# E(no3rd)/B E(no3rd)/A E/G# E(no3rd)/A Broadway FOR E(no3rd)/F# w ˙ w w # ˙ ˙ ˙ ˙ œ œ ? ## # œ œ œ NOT PC - 3 - Easy Way Out ORLANDO: 20 21 22 , # ## j œ & # œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ R mo-ment disœ - apœ -pears. She's gone, I have no fears.œ I con - vince my - self she's some - one great whoœ œI canœ # r ## # œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰. & + Cln.œ Gtr. œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ - - E/G - - - - F#m7 # A9(no3) ˙ œ œ ˙. œ ? #### ˙. œ œ . ‰. + Bs. ˙. œ œ ˙. œ ˙. œ œ R ROSALIND: 23 24 25 ORLANDO: #### j & œ ˙ ‰ œ œ œ œ . œ liveœ. with-out. You took the easœ œ- œy wayPerusalout.˙ Yeah,œ it's

Cln. Gtr. #### ? œ œ œ & ∑ ∑ & œ œ œ œ œ F # ## # œ œ ˙ œ œœ œœ œ œ & œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ. j œ œ œ Eœ. œ Drs. Fill A/B B7 LicensingAsus2/D Asus2 ? #### nœ. j œ œ ˙ ˙ ˙ œ ˙ œ œ 26 27 28 # # F PRODUCTION & # # Œ œ ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ œ ˙ Eas - y not to feel ex - cit - œed. œ Eas - y # ## & # w ∑ ∑ BroadwayF FOR # ## & # œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ œœ œœ œ œ œ œœ ˙˙ œœ œœ œœ œœ Asus2/C# B9/D# E Asus2 Asus2/G# Asus2/F# Bsus2/D# # NOT ? ## # ˙ ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ ˙ LIKE YOU LIKE IT PC 15 Creating A Monster Music: Daniel S. Acquisto Lyric: Sammy Buck Orchestrations: Daniel S. Acquisto

Bright reggae, Tempo di "Gotta Get Out" Vamp CELIA: 1 2 F # 4 & 4 . ∑ Ó Œ . Rezzy Poly Synth œI don'tœ

(Mtd. El. Gtr.) # ∑ ∑ . 4 . œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ . & 4 . œ œ nœ œ œ œ œ ...... F (Drs. Reggae feel) ...... G PerusalC Dm 7 ∑ ∑ ? # 4 . œ œ . 4 Bass Œ Ó œ œ 3 Bright rock

4 5 6 # & j j j ‰ œ œ ‰ j wanœ - naœ bitch,œ orœ makeœ œa toœ - talœ œfuss, œ butœ œI lost my rideœ andœ œI hateœ theœ œbus. œ Andœ Rezzy Poly Synth ∑ Licensing∑ ∑ ∑ # œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ #œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ & œ œ sim. nœ œ œ #œ C G C PLAY D...... G D (Drs. Rock feel) j j w œ. œ ˙ w œ. œ ˙ ? # w œ. œ ˙ PRODUCTIONw œ. œ ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ J J J J

7 8 9 10 # j & Broadwayœ œ œ œ œ œ FOR‰ j œ œ œ nœ œ j Œ Ros - a - lind— I can't look atœ her.œ œ œI want things back theœ way theyœ were.œ œ ∑ ∑ ∑ ∑ # œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ & œ œ nœ œ œ œ œ #œ G D A G NOT j ? # w œ. œ ˙ w nww w œ. œ ˙ #w w œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ J J J J

Samadhi440 Music Services ©2016 Daniel S. Acquisto & Sammy Buck PC - 3 - Creating A Monster 11 12 13 14 # & Œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ ‰ Gotœ -taœ get out, gotœ - taœ get out, Gotœ -taœ get out of the ma - œa ‰- œa - all.œ. K2 [Fat Syn]

ww ∑ ww ∑ ww ∑ ww ∑ # w œ œ w œ œ w œ œ w œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ & œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ f D Em C D ? # ∑ ∑ ∑ ∑ œ œ. œ œ œ œ œ. œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ . œ œ J J J J J J . J J J J OLIVER: 15 16 17 # 2 Perusal4 U " & Œ œ œ œ 4 œ œ 4 Have you seen ∑ Gotœ - taœ get out, gotœ - taœ get out— these students?

Acoustic Grand Piano ww ∑ ˙˙ ∑ # w ˙ œ U œ œ œ œ 2 œ 4 ∑ " & œ œ œ œ 4 œ œ 4 D Em ç ? # ∑ Ó 4 U 42 4 " œ. œ œ œ Licensingœ œ. œ bw J J J J bw

CELIA: choked & squeaky Long dialogue 18 19 20 p U # œ œ œ œ œ " PRODUCTION" #### & Œ Warning: CELIA:∑ ∑ Got - ta get out. "You don't know me?" Cue: OLIVER: "but somehow I feel "Never met you before," DX-7 E. Piano & Pad w/delay like I can trust you." w Broadway FOR U w # # ∑ " ∑ Kww " ## # & H n w F U ? # NOT∑ " ∑ ∑ " #### V.S. PC - 4 - Creating A Monster Rock 21 23 q = 180 CHORUS aka Vamp 22 MAKEOVER CREW: # # f # # . ∑ ∑ . ‰ j & . Cue out: OLIVER: "I’ll bet . œ œ Cue to start vamp: you’re really good at makeovers." Weœ got œa mon - tage.nœ OLIVER: "Take me shopping." CELIA: "You have no idea." Articulate Poly Synth

K2 [Articulate Syn] nœ œ ˙ # # œ œ ˙ # # . ∑ . . . œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ & . |__every time____| . ˙ œ œ ∑ ˙ Dist. œGtr. œ œ. œ œœ +Bs, Dist. Gtr, Drs ˙ œ. œ p J ∑ f # . œ. Œ Ó ? ## # . œ nœ nœ . œ ‰ J œ|_____lastœ timeœ only_____|œ œ œ œ œ œ Bs. e cresc. œ P Perusal 24 25 26 #### n nn & ‰ j œ œ ‰ j œ œ œ n Weœ got œa mon - tage.nœ Aœ shop-pingœ mon - tage.nœ Let'sœ œ goœ ntoœ theœ dressœ -ing room:œ

# # n n # # œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ nœ œ œ œ n n & ˙ œ œ ˙ œ n œ œ œ œn œ œ ˙ œ œ œ. œ œœ ˙ œ œ œ. œ œ œ ˙ nœ œ œ œ œ ˙ œ. œ ˙ œ. nœ ˙ nœ œ J J # Licensing n ? ## # ∑ œ ∑ ∑ œ nn n nœ œ #œ œ œ œ œ nœ œ #œ (Articulate Poly Synth) or Bright Synth Brass

27 K2 [Squeaky Lead Stack] j PRODUCTION 28 29 30 œ j ‰ œ œ œ # œ œ ‰ j ‰ œ nœ œ œ œ œ œ bœ œ œ œ & œ œ. œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ Ó Ó ‰ œ. œ Œ Ó ∑

CBroadway FOR ? ∑ ∑ ∑ ∑ œ q = c 180 œ œ œ œ œ nœ œ #œ œ œ œ œ nœ œ #œ Synth or Slappy Bass NOT LIKE YOU LIKE IT PC 23

Music: Daniel S. Acquisto Be With Me Lyric: Sammy Buck Orchestrations: Daniel S. Acquisto Warning: JACKIE: "The Seven Stages have a special guest. We are not responsible." Visual Cue: ORLANDO plays the guitar.

q = Warm,150 Smooth Analog Pad 1 2 3 4 # & # 43 ∑ ∑ . ∑ ∑ . D Am 7 D Am 7 P ∑ œ ∑ ∑ œ ∑ ? # 3 œ œ œn œ . œ œ œn œ . # 4 Acoustic Guitar œ . Perusalœ . (If ORLANDO is not playing guitar on stage, guitarist will play.)

5 ORLANDO: P 6 7 8 ## & ˙ œ ˙ œ œ ˙ œ Œ Eve - ry time I see you œI # & # ∑ Licensing∑ ∑ ∑ D Am 7 D Am 7

∑ œ ∑ ∑ œ ∑ ? # œ œ œ œ œ œ # œ œn PRODUCTIONœ œn

9 10 11 12 # # ˙n œ œ ˙ Œ & œ ˙. œ œ Broadwaywish I could write FORa song. But # & # ∑ ∑ ∑ ∑ Am 7 D Am 7 ∑ ∑ ∑ œ ∑ ? # œ œ œ œ œ # œ œn NOT œn œ œ œn

13 14 15 16 ## & ˙ œ ˙ œ ˙n œ œ Œ eve - ry time I try to write œit # & # ∑ ∑ ∑ ∑ D Am 7 C G ∑ œ ∑ ∑ ∑ ? # œ œ œ œ œ œ # œ œn œn œ œ

17 18 19 20 ## & ˙n œ ˙ œ Œ al - ways comes out wrong.˙. Perusalœ œI # & # ∑ ∑ ∑ ∑ 6 6 Bb 9 C/Bb Bb 9 C œn œ ∑ œn œ ∑ ∑ œn ∑ œ ? ## œb œ œb œ œn œ

21 22 Licensing23 24 ## œ & ˙# ˙# œ œ ˙ Œ œ œ wres - tled with the words and I ## ∑ ∑ & ∑ ∑ ˙ Ó œ œPRODUCTION˙. Bm 7 A ∑ œ ∑ ∑ œ œ œ ∑ œ ? # œ œ œ œ œ. œ œ œ # œ J œ œa œ Broadway FOR 25 26 27 28 29 30 ## & ˙ œ ˙ œ ∑ ∑ land - ed on these three.˙. ˙.

## ∑ NOT∑ ∑ ∑ ˙ ∑ ∑ & ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ œ œ œ. œ œ œ œ œ œ œ . J J œ D/F# G2 ∑ ∑ ∑ ∑ ˙. ∑ ∑ ? # œ ˙ œ œ. ˙. ˙. ˙. # . œ J . œ J œ œ ˙. Keyboard 1 / Conductor - 3 - Be With Me

31 32 33 34 35 36 # & # ˙ œ ˙. ŒŒ œ œ ˙ ∑ Œ Be with me. Be with me. Beœ withœ # ∑ ∑ ∑ ∑ ∑ ∑ # œ œ œ œ œ & ˙ œ ˙˙. sim. œ œ œ œ ˙. ˙ œ g ˙ g œ . œ œ ˙˙. ˙ œ g g G A(add4) CM a9/E . g D/F g GM a9/B G2 Asus4 g # g g g n˙. g ∑ g ∑ ∑ ˙. ∑ ∑ ∑ ? # g ˙ g œ ˙. ˙. ˙ ˙. ˙. # g ˙ g œ ˙. . ˙. ˙.

37 If this is played solely on piano, then ad lib ﬁlling in an animated rhythm. 38 39 40 41 # Perusal & # ∑ ∑ ∑ me.˙. ˙. K2 [Non-brite bells] ˙ œ œ œn œ œ œ œ œ # œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ & # Gtr. busier ad lib D ∑ Am 7 ∑ D ∑ Am 7 ∑ D ∑ œ œ œ œ œ œ œn œ œ œ œn œ œ ? # œ œ œ œ œ # œ œœ œ œ Bs. ˙. Licensing˙. ˙. ˙. P K2 [Cln. Gtr.] 42 43 44 œn œ œ ˙ œ # ˙ œ œ # œ œ œ œ œ & PRODUCTIONDrs ﬁll Am 7 ∑ D ∑ ∑ Am 7 œ œ œn œ ? # œ œ # œ œ œ’’’œ œ ˙ Broadway˙ œn FOR.

NOT Perusal

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Broadway FOR

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