seewhat we look like in another ten years! thatfandom isstill verya welcoming entity. can’tI wait to onlinenewsfeeds, butinthe real world, I’m happy tosay, camps of old versus young. We may look competitive We’rein the fandom—we shouldn’t breakingbecompeting into still active. Hell, I’m quickly becoming one of them myself. thatstartedfandom. I’m themare happymanyofthatso “oldashamedthewhitebeshouldofguys” waywe no in gender equality and racial diversity at conventions now but ativityburstingthatisgeneration. fromthisnew It’s hard not to believe it when you see the energy and cre- into fandom. I choose to believe that this is a good thing. geek of type new whole broughta havegamesvideo and cosplay,anime,movies,Superhero can. we that fandom with but darn it, let’s embrace it and up make it grewthe best newwe that fandom the be not might it true, and, rently experiencing an enormous growth spurt in fandom anothergeneration.totorch Wethepassed have cur- are we’rewhendaysthefor longeractiveno participants and regrets minor and recollectionsfond the save to vow all whenI knewalmost every attendee byname. size in the last ten years and I find myself missing the days raderie of the early days. My own RavenCon has tripled in myselffindnostalgicallyI missingcomfortablethe cama- theinlate nineties andearly oughts. Now thatit’s grown, didn’t itshrink and go under that the way many other so conventions grow had and status relaxacon cozy small, ground trying to persuade MarsCon to expand beyond its hate most in ourselves. Twelve years ago, I was in the fore- I’m equally as guilty—we hate first in others that which we generation. next the for we’re forward torch the carrying of that forget sometimes and past fanzines conventionsand longingly speak We past. the of embrace warm the should have us looking forward; fiction instead we get lured science into that forget to easy It’s forward. looking spend too much time looking back and not enough time Ifeel Sometimes Oct-Dec 2014, Issue #25 Issue 2014, Oct-Dec

STAFF swingsitbothways.AndI’m excited numericalsee to It’scommunitycomfortinga lookback,aslet’sbut to I’m often critical of fandom doing this but I know that Staff Artist: Artist: Staff Publisher/Editor/Designer: Associate Editor: Associate J. Andrew WorldAndrew J. ht (n te et f fandom) of rest the (and I that Rob Balder Rob Michael D. PedersonD. Michael • Reviews: KT Pinto KT Anita Bruckert, Warren Buff, Bill Burns, Bryan Carrigan, Loren Fishman,LorenWarren Bruckert, Carrigan, Anita Bryan Burns,Buff, Bill WithHelp From: Bob Kauffmann, Denny E. Marshall, B.L.W.Marshall, E. Denny Kauffmann, Myers,PatrickBob Thomas, Dean P.Dean Turnbloom,Cryteria ShaneWatson, by artwork HAL Humoresque Facesof Fandom: Dave O’Hare ...... 10 Soon Coming Little Green Men in Black in Men Green Little Astronaut’sLament The LittleGreen Men in Black The Astronaut’sLament The Dear Cthulhu Dear Of Service Service Of Fancestral Recall: The Fan Gallery Gallery Fan The Recall: Fancestral 3 Conventions...... 1 Editor’sRant The F C Harcourt Manor Harcourt I Haiku Halloween Five P Manor Harcourt F Fanzines Nation Z Princess Golden The Road the Forever Hydrology Vol.1: Batwoman, R Of Service Service Of The Last Straw Last The LLUSTRATIONS EATURES ICTION OETRY EVIEWS by Chaz Boston Baden & Warren& Baden Boston Chaz Buff by ONTENTS works of new writers and artists in the science the in artists and writers new of works NthDegree #25 StephenL. Antczak, Chaz Boston Baden, Alan F. Beck, fanzine that is intended to help promote the promote help to intended is that fanzine fiction and fantasy genres, and to promote to and genres, fantasy and fiction Nth Degree Nth ...... 8 general fandom and fan-run conventions. fan-run and fandom general ...... 7 For more information, please visit our visit please information, more For by Michael D. PedersonD. Michael by B.L.W.by Myers by Loren FishmanLoren by by Patrickby Thomas website at www.nthzine.com.at website by Bob Kauffmann Bob by by ShaneWatson by P.Dean by Turnbloom ...... 6 isand™by ©Big Blind Productions, Oct. 2014. is a quarterly,web-distributed a is ...... 7 by Denny E. Marshall E. Denny by by J. Andrew WorldAndrew J. by Carrigan Bryan by byStephen L. Antczak ...... 29 by Alan F.Alan by Beck ...... 29 ...... 43 ...... 6 ...... byKT Pinto ...... 13 ...... 9 ...... 31 ...... 21 ...... 21 .....20 11 .... 31 ... 29 29 13 RavenCon RICHMOND, VA • APRIL 24–26, 2015 10 Writer Guest of Honor: Allen Steele Artist Guest of Honor: Frank Wu Gaming Guest of Honor: Brianna Spacekat Wu Special Guest: Lawrence M. Schoen Plush Guest of Honor: Barry Mantelo

Join us as we celebrate 10 great years of sweet convention goodness. RavenCon features seven full tracks (over 200 hours!) of programming. More than 90 writers, fans, artists, scientists, musicians and costumers will be available for discussions, panels, readings, and signings. There’s also anime, concerts, parties, workshops, children’s programming, and our famous Gaming Room that never closes. And since it was such a hit, we’ll be running another Magic: The Gathering tournament! More info online at http://www.ravencon.com

Registration: Adults (18 and up): $35 till 12/31/14 • $40 before 4/10/15 • $45 at the door Young Adults (12-17): $15 • Children (11 and under): Free 10% discount with valid military or student ID. Hotel: DoubleTree by Hilton Richmond Midlothian • Rooms are $104 per night. Reservations: 804-379-3800 The Con of Opportunity! FEATURES

CONVENTIONS: CONVENTION ConGregate 2014 CALENDAR: July 11–13 Winston-Salem, NC O CTOBER http://www.con-gregate.com Review by Michael D. Pederson Oct. 3-5 Archon Apart from it’s size (about 420 people), you’d never Collinsville, IL know that ConGregate was a first-year convention. http://www.archonstl.org/38/ That’s probably because they had a staff of con veterans Oct. 3-5 CONtraflow running the show; literally decades of experience on the New Orleans, LA http://contraflowscifi.org staff and it showed. Their core staff has worked with Oct. 3-5 Necronomicon StellarCon, ConCarolinas, Trinoc*CoN, MACE, Tampa, FL RavenCon, and DragonCon—quite the resume. http://necronomicon2014.com Let’s start with programming… Five full tracks of programming! Even more signif- Oct. 10-12 Capclave icant than the number of panels though, was the quality of the programming. Gaithersburg, MD ConGregate went out of their way to make their guest experience more interactive, http://www.capclave.org/capclave/capclave1 with several audience participation panels like Fandom Feud; Building the Big, Bad, Oct. 10-12 ConClave Radioactive Bug (followed immediately by Killing the Big, Bad, Radioactive Bug); and Detroit, MI Debate Club. I moderated Debate Club and had an absolute blast with it. I got to split http://www.conclavesf.org/cc2012/home.htm the audience and the panel into two sides and make them debate classic science fiction Oct. 10-12 Conjecture arguments (Millenium Falcon vs. Enterprise, better vampire hunter: Buffy or Blade, San Diego, CA http://2014.conjecture.org New Who vs. Classic Who, etc.). Lots of fun! Oct. 24-25 Rising Star As per usual, I also had the privilege of interviewing the Guests of Honor: Larry Bluefield, WV Correia and Mark Poole. I was a little nervous about interviewing Larry due to his http://www.rising-star.org internet reputation, but he turned out to be one of the friendliest, most down-to-earth Oct. 24-26 MileHiCon writers I’ve had the honor to work with. Mark was equally entertaining; he had some Denver, CO fantastic stories about the early days of Magic: The Gathering and what it was like work- http://www.milehicon.org/Default.aspx ing for Wizards of the Coast before they hit it big. The other two Guests of Honor were Oct. 30-Nov. 2 PhreakNIC Toni Weisskopf and Jennifer McCollom, two amazing women that I’m lucky to know. Nashville, TN Toni and I did one panel together, Con-Going 101, that was very well attended and http://www.phreaknic.info/pn18/ highly informative. We actually had a good turnout of people for whom ConGregate Oct. 31-Nov. 2 CONjuration Atlanta, GA was their very first convention experience. I bet they had a great time. http://www.conjurationcon.com I should probably mention the game room. As is frequently the case I didn’t have Oct. 31-Nov. 2 HallowCon enough time to sit down and play anything but I did poke my head in every time that Dalton, GA I walked past. It looked to me to be pretty busy most of the time. And they certainly http://www.hallowcon.com had enough tables and weren’t crowding the gamers together. Again, this was one of the Oct. 31-Nov. 2 HonorCon areas where they had decades of experience working for them. Raleigh, NC Also, something that’s hard to come by at a first-year convention: Good room par- http://www.honorcon.org ties. I had some tasty scotch the first night but hear that I missed out on a couple of Oct. 31-Nov. 2 ICON good parties Saturday night as I was busy hosting my own RavenCon party. Cedar Rapids, IA http://www.iowa-icon.com This was the first North Carolina convention that I’ve attended since moving back to Virginia in 2010 and I had a great time seeing old friends and making a few new Oct. 31-Nov. 2 TusCon Tucson, AZ ones. I’m already looking forward to returning next year. http://tusconscificon.com

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Gen Con Indy 2014 CONVENTION August 14–17 CALENDAR: Indianapolis, IN http://www.gencon.com N OV -D EC Review by Rob Balder The best gaming convention in North America had Nov. 6-9 World Fantasy Con another booming year. Arlington, VA Gen Con manages to offer the spectacular mega- http://worldfantasy2014.org con experience of a DragonCon or San Diego Comic Nov. 7-9 OryCon Con (top-name guests, amazing cosplay everywhere you look, endless exhibitor space Portland, OR with everything a geek could want to buy or ogle, and the feeling of taking over the http://36.orycon.org downtown area of a major metropolis) without losing their soul. Nov. 13-16 BizarroCon If it weren’t for Internationale Spieltage (Spiel) every October in Essen, Germany, Portland, OR http://bizarrocon.com Gen Con Indy would be the biggest tabletop games convention in the world, and this Nov. 13-16 Bouchercon year’s crowd was the largest ever (56,614 attendees, topping last year’s attendance of Long Beach, CA 49,530). Among attendees and exhibitors alike, the whole vibe was upbeat and fun. http://www.bouchercon2014.com Beautiful weather all weekend and excellent management by Gen Con’s experienced Nov. 14-16 AtomaCon staff helped make it something special in 2014. North Charleston, SC If you’re heading to Gen Con next year, book early and plan to go with friends. http://atomacon.org You’ll be spending hours with them in tournaments, or trying out the new games you’ve Nov. 14-16 Novacon grabbed from independent developers on the exhibit floor. In the middle of 57,000 Nottingham, UK people, Gen Con will always be about sitting down in a group of 4 or 5 and having fun http://www.novacon.org.uk with your imagination and your friends. Nov. 14-16 SFContario Toronto, ON http://www.sfcontario.ca Intervention 5 Nov. 14-16 Windycon August 22–24 Lombard, IL Rockville, MD http://www.windycon.org http://interventioncon.com Nov. 21-23 Philcon Review by Rob Balder Cherry Hill, NJ In the 2000s, the traditional science fiction conven- http://2014.philcon.org tion scene in the D.C. area was all but dead. Big, rau- Nov. 28-30 Chessiecon cous, party conventions like EveCon and CastleCon Timonium, MD were gone, Capclave continued like the small, dense core left after Disclave went super- http://www.chessiecon.org nova, and even those occasional Star Trek conventions of the 1990s and 1-day auto- Nov. 28-30 Loscon Los Angeles, CA graph expos had gone away. Only Katsucon was really thriving, riding the ever-rising http://loscon.org/41/ popularity of anime. Dec. 5-7 DerpyCon But in the 2010s, a set of bright new convention “stars” have been born in the Morristown, NJ Washington area. 2014 saw the explosive birth of AwesomeCon, a big red-giant of https://www.derpycon.com a downtown expo in the vein of a NYCC or a C2E2. The music and gaming relax- Dec. 5-7 Smofcon acon MAGFest also grew so fast it split into two events (a binary star, to continue Manhattan Beach, CA the analogy). http://smofcon32.org But in its fifth year, Intervention remains the happy yellow Sol-class star of the D.C. Dec. 12-14 Geek-O-Nomicon con scene. With its broad range of guests (musicians, webcomics creators, bloggers, Biloxi, MS http://whynotgeek.com authors, podcasters, game designers, publishers, filmmakers and more), and its refresh-

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ing and practical program/workshop track (with workshops on making a business plan, tutorials for using some of the latest creative software, and core topics in various cre- CONVENTION ative fields), there was something there for every area of fannish interest. CALENDAR: This year, they added a full arcade room of classic video games, and the lively party scene continued in the Rockville Hilton’s lounges, lofts, and suites. Intervention does J AN -F EB an excellent job of bringing in guests who really want to be around fans and share what they do. D.C. fans couldn’t ask for a nicer, friendlier place to geek out and learn some- Jan. 9-11 ChupacabraCon thing cool. Austin, TX http://www.chupacabracon.com Garden State Comic Fest Jan. 9-11 GAFilk August 23 Atlanta, GA http://www.gafilk.org Morristown, NJ Jan. 9-11 IllogiCon http://www.gardenstatecomicfest.com Cary, NC Review by KT Pinto http://illogicon.org Here’s a quick bullet review of the show (with the Jan. 16-19 Arisia knowledge that this is only the second GSCF ever, and Boston, MA in the same year): http://www.arisia.org • The layout of the festival was pretty bad. I know Jan. 16-18 ConFusion a lot of the logistics is based on the availability of the hotel, but the wandering Dearborn, MI maze to get from one part of the festival to the other was a little tedious. http://confusionsf.org • It was very wise of GSCF to put the Mandalorians in the first room attendees see Jan. 16-18 MarsCon when they arrive. Their presence not only let people know they were in the right Williamsburg, VA http://www.marscon.net place, but also set the fun, creative tone for the Festival. Jan. 16-18 Rustycon • No map/schedule. This is a mistake I notice that many new conventions/shows Seattle, WA make. A schedule and map—even for a small event—is vital so attendees can plan http://www.rustycon.com their day and participate in favored events. Jan. 23-25 Chattacon • Great security! They were obviously present, but unobtrusive. There were big, Chattanooga, TN burly guys, for obvious reasons, as well as wiry young men, which for a festival http://www.chattacon.org whose big concern would be snatch-and-runs are logical people to have on the Jan. 23-25 COSine security team. There were also two young women at the door to the vendors’ Colorado Springs, CO room, who made sure that everyone had an attendee badge before they were http://www.firstfridayfandom.org/cosine/ allowed in. Jan. 30-Feb. 1 Foolscap Redmond, WA • Great vendors’ room layout. The layout was convenient for people to find one par- http://www.foolscap.org ticular vendor or to browse all the tables. Again though, a map of the room would Feb. 5-8 Coastal Magic have been a big help. Daytona Beach, FL • The programming was sparse, but for such a newly established show, not that bad. http://coastalmagicconvention.com • The autograph table was in an odd location. Again, logistics tend to develop over Feb. 5-7 Superstars Writing Seminar time. Colorado Springs, CO • Pre-show promotions were very impressive! http://superstarswriting.com • They gave out goodie bags with your badge! I haven’t seen a goodie bag in AGES! Feb. 6-8 Potlatch • They validated your parking! It would be nice if some established shows I could Seattle, WA http://www.potlatch-sf.org mention followed their lead. Overall, I think this event has done a lot in a very short time, and I look forward to Feb. 12-15 Capricon Wheeling, IL seeing what they do in the future! http://capricon.org/capricon35/

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BOOKS & COMICS: • Why is Kate Kane such a bitch? Of all the characters I’ve read and disliked, I think Kate Kane takes the cake. Batwoman, Vol. 1: Spoiled, bitter, nasty… this wealthy party girl lives in a Hydrology penthouse apartment (and I see so many things wrong by J.H. Williams III & with that gigantic tree…) and is angry with her father W. Haden Blackman about the death of her mother and sister. She seems to be DC Comics horrid with everyone unless she’s trying to hook up with Review by KT Pinto them, and the nasty way she treated her cousin Bette— A friend bought me this graphic burning her Flamebird costume, calling her Plebe, drop- novel; he bought it from my wish ping her without any explanation—was so blatant a set up list on Amazon, and I couldn’t to make Bette a victim for the bad guys. Kate even calls remember for the life of me why I had requested it. Then I herself a bitch in one panel, and I can’t work up any sym- remembered that this was DC Comic’s lesbian superhero, and pathy for her at all. I had wanted to see how the fan-characterized straight-laced • Finally, what did she have against Batman? If you don’t want company was going to handle this type of character. to be a part of his world, then come up with your own alter- I had high hopes for this book because it was put out in nate personality instead of mooching off of his fame. Batman’s little corner of the DC ’verse. Never much a fan of My friend had bought me Volume 2: To Drown the World DC in general, I always liked everything about Gotham: the as well. I will probably read it, but I’m not looking forward villains, the heroes, the story lines, the artwork, the dark- to it. ness… it was always the nice, twisted dark that I like. So I was all set for Kate Kane to wow me. Forever the Road Sadly, she didn’t. Putting the amazing artwork aside—and by Anthony St. Clair the artwork was amazing—the story line and character were Rucksack Press both lacking. Here’s a quick list of the “meh”: Review by Michael D. Pederson • What color is her skin? That bothered me throughout the Over the years I’ve built a certain book. Was she actually white like paper, as shown in some level of expectation for small press panels, or does she have a pale Irish skin tone like other pan- and self-published books: A good els showed? If she was really white-white, then why was it so chunk of them are just flat-out difficult for Batman to figure out who the very pale woman bad; most of them are entertain- with red hair (there were times she wasn’t in costume but ing stories, if you can just over- still that albino white) and with enough money to be look a couple of flaws; and a very Batwoman was? And why did she keep changing skin tone very few of them are highly enjoyable reads that surprise the throughout the book? crap out of me. • Where’s the bad guy? One of the things that I really like Forever the Road left me completely gobsmacked. Great about the “Gotham-verse” is the twistedly insane bad guys concept, fun characters, and beautiful writing. that constantly spill out of Arkham Asylum. This story had This is the third book in St. Clair’s Rucksack Universe; a supernatural water-demon character that made no sense, part alternate history and part travel adventure with a bit of especially since this is supposed to be part of the “New 52” fantasy and a lot of alcohol. In Forever the Road a bartender, a reboot to make the plots and characters more understand- world traveler, a fatherless child with an ailing mother, and an able to fans. And then there was a super-organization that is ancient man of mystery have to save the world from a long- either out to take Batwoman down, or use her as a hook to dormant evil. get Batman… I couldn’t tell which. But either way, none if The traveler, Jay, arrives in Agamuskara, India, with a it seemed to fit into the Gotham-verse that I was used to strange item hidden in his backpack, which is (of course) and liked. stolen from him as soon as he arrives in town. Recovering the

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backpack brings him in contact with Jigme, a teen that’s try- Sadly though, the story is greatly lacking in plot develop- ing to care for his sick mother; Faddah Rucksack, a man who ments. Right away we learn that the same evil forces that had loves stout; and Jade Agamuskara Bluegold, a talented des- driven the Cutters in previous books are also controlling tiny-dealing bartender who quickly steals his heart. He also Korea and that the Japanese Emperor and his daughter have learns that the MacGuffin hidden in his backpack has come to Montival in search of an ancient sword that they’ve brought him to Agamuskara to fulfill his destiny—destroying seen in their dreams. And then Stirling spends 420 pages in an ancient evil that has been resting in the heart of the city planning an expedition to retrieve the sword—it’s in Death but will awaken during an oncoming eclipse and exterminate Valley and our heroes will have to travel through the canni- all life on the planet. Our hero goes kicking and screaming bal-infested remains of Los Angeles to get there. the whole way, believing that he is in control of his own des- It’s fascinating to watch post-Change Japanese interacting tiny—and he’s correct. with the Kingdom of Montival, and as a fan of the series I It’s a high-stakes story, told with wit and compassion. found this to be an enjoyable read, but I really wish that My only nitpick is that as a long-time beer snob—and with something could have actually happened. That said, I’m sure beer playing an important part of the story—I would have the next book will be freaking amazing. enjoyed things more if the beer info had been more eso- teric, rather than the Brewing 101 course of “stout is thick TELEVISION: and lager is watery.” But that’s just me. In the end, Forever the Road’s Everest Base Camp is a pub that ranks right up Z Nation there with Callahan’s and the White Hart as classic science Syfy Review by Michael D. Pederson fiction bars. I love zombies. I love how they’re The Golden Princess such metaphorical blank slates; a by S.M. Stirling good writer or director can use Roc them as allegory for all sorts of Review by Michael D. Pederson things. And even when they aren’t Even though this is book number being used to convey a deeper fourteen in the Change series and point we still have the enjoyment picks up a few hours after the of seeing people driven to new events of A Given Sacrifice, The heights of terror, despair, and inhumanity. Zombie movies are Golden Princess is the beginning fun. Even bad zombie movies are fun because you know that of a new story arc. We’re now fol- nobody will get out alive, and these actors that are chewing up lowing the third generation of the scenery will themselves be chewed up in turn. In comics people that populate the world after the Change stopped all and on television, The Walking Dead has subverted this para- technology and firearms from working. Even if you haven’t digm by giving us the unending zombie saga. read any of the previous books, this is a fine starting point; And now we have Z Nation. Syfy seems to run three types new and established characters, as well as the setting are all of shows: Critically acclaimed (Battlestar Galactica), fan- clearly introduced in the opening chapters. friendly (Eureka, Warehouse 13), and cheesy (any of their Almost immediately, we learn one thing—the world is movies). Z Nation is produced by The Asylum, the same peo- getting bigger. In previous installments we had seen the ple responsible for Sharknado, Transmorphers, and the Mega Kingdom of Montival spread to cover about half of North Shark movies; want to guess which category Z Nation falls America and we had learned the fate of the British Isles. Now into? That’s right—extra cheesy. If this were a bad movie you Stirling moves to the other side of the globe, introducing would be rooting for everyone to die, but since it’s an ongo- characters from Japan, Korea, and Australia and even briefly ing show we’re stuck with characters that we simply don’t mentions how things are looking in India. care about.

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Still, the show has it’s good points… Harold Perrineau (Lost) brings good gravitas to the show’s intro. The concept— our heroes must transport a former prisoner across the coun- try because he was the only person injected with the cure to the zombie virus before the research lab got overrun—is a good open-ended way to keep the show moving and keep things interesting over multiple seasons. And fast zombies. Unfortunately, all of this potential is buried under dispos- able characters, bad dialogue, weak performances, generic kills, and (worst of all) the complete lack of self awareness that cheesy zombie shows can be fun. Other weak spots: A zombie baby that really makes no sense (an infant that can suddenly move lightning fast around the room as soon as it becomes a zombie) and D.J. Quall’s NSA communications expert who, for no discernible reason, at the last minute turns into a Ray Ban-wearing DJ who spouts the worst dia- logue in the entire show. Syfy has produced 13 episodes of this. Let’s see how many of them make it to air.

FANZINES: For people looking to get more involved in science fiction fandom, there is no better way (outside of conventions) to experience what fandom is all about than through fanzines. Send for some of the zines here and see for yourself…

Fanthology 13; Murray Moore; 1065 Henley Road; Mississauga, Ontario L4Y 1C8 Canada. Fanthology is a “best of” collection that’s compiled from a year’s worth of fanzines and put out every year for Corflu, the annual SF fanzine con- vention. I particularly enjoyed John Hertz’s “The Worldcon I Saw” from File 770 and Leah Zeldes Smith’s “Looking for Fandom” from The Clubhouse.

Spartacus, no. 4; Guy H. Lillian III; 1390 Holly Ave.; Merritt Island, FL 32952. The fourth issue of Lillian’s latest zine, Spartacus, gave me everything I expected of it: several pages of well-written ponderings on a wide range of sub- jects—from NBC’s upcoming Peter Pan to immigration, from the Washington Redskins to Jim Frenkel and Wiscon—plus many Letters of Comment from well-known fans. Well done.

And, as always, the best source for reading science fiction fanzines is the eFanzines website at http://efanzines.com.

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Fancestral Recall: We have a couple of categories we call the “Core Collection”. We want to include the Worldcon and NASFiC The Fan Gallery chairs, the Worldcon and NASFiC Fan Guests of Honor, fan- by Chaz Boston Baden & Warren Buff nish Hugo winners, and Fan Fund winners. Related to that, we may want to look at fan nominees and other prominent Warren Buff recently sat down with Chaz Boston Baden to discuss the history of the Fan Gallery. The Gallery currently has around things but what we’re looking for is a contribution to fandom 450 fan portraits in it and continues to grow. Most of the photos that is consistent, sustained, and long-term and preferably date from 1997 on, with a few archival photos that have made wide in scope. The point to the Core Collection is [fandom their way into the collection. The Gallery is frequently exhibited has] already selected [individuals] by giving them the Fan at Worldcons (when held in the United States) and NASFiC. Fund, by giving them the chairmanship—a number of people already said, “Yes, these are some of our prominent fans.” CBB: I’m Chaz Baden, I’m one of the custodians of the Fan What remains is figuring out who else to put in. So over Gallery which was originated under the care of Bruce Pelz; he time we want to get more of the Pegasus winners for filk turned it over to me before he passed away. The way Bruce Pelz music, we want to get more of the Fan Hugo nominees, we explained [the origin of the Gallery] is that for many years a want to figure out who are the people who have not just been bunch of fans had been talking about the Christine Velada Pro keeping a seat warm for twenty years but have been making Photo Gallery which, at the time, was a bunch of black-and- things happen, have been contributing to fandom, writing white portraits of professional science fiction writers which had letters, fan artists, all of the people that help make fandom been exhibited at Worldcon for quite a few years. From time to what it is in ways that you probably want to hear about. time at various bull sessions at Worldcons and SMOFcons and Now, our selection [process] for [choosing] photos is we so forth some of the prominent fans would talk about how try to make this a collection of color photos in contrast with there should be a Fan Gallery and people would agree. Bruce the black and white exhibit that Christine Velada did of all Pelz was one of them, Geri Sullivan was another. the professionals. It tends towards the candids as opposed to It stayed as “this is a good idea somebody should do some- hers [which] are more [like] portrait studio [photographs]. day” for quite some time until Geri Sullivan was invited to be But the key is that we want these to be photos you can recog- the Loscon XXIV Fan Guest of Honor [in 1997]—Bruce Pelz nize people by, sort of a rogue’s gallery. In the case of our more was her GoH liaison from the L.A. side—and Bruce asked, “What can we do to make your experience in L.A. the best we can?” Geri said, and I quote, “I like surprises,” which for me ranks right up there with “Here, watch this… hold my beer…” as famous last words. But that’s what she said, “I like surprises.” So Bruce Pelz got ahold of Mark Olson in Boston and David Dyer-Bennet in Minneapolis and Stan Burns, the usual photog- rapher at many LA cons, to round up a bunch of pictures of big- name fans and whoever turns up at club meetings—which, there’s a lot of overlap—and said, “David, make sure you get a shot of Geri Sullivan,” because she was in Minneapolis at the time. So these three photographers and a couple other sources collected a bunch of photos and we presented this at Loscon when Geri was Guest of Honor and she came and there was a surprise because the Fan Gallery had become a dream given form. Since then it’s settled down into a general aspirational goal of [recognizing] fans that should be known outside of their The original curator of the Fan Gallery, Bruce Pelz. region for their contributions to fandom. Photo courtesy of the Fan Gallery.

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inactive fans, the dead ones mostly, we’re looking for photos twenty years, maybe we’re not going to show them as much, that you would recognize them if they rose from the dead and but people who made significant contributions… [people talked to you or [capture] how we want to remember them. like] Bob Shaw and Bob Tucker are going to be in this exhib- What they looked like in their prime or how we last saw it as long as we have it. Lee Hoffman, she’s here to stay. them, are both fair candidates for the passed-on members. An example would be Lee Hoffman, who was a great WB: I see you’ve got signs up this weekend [at Detcon1], fanzine fan and she was active right up till the end. She was encouraging folks to have their picture taken to be added. participating in Science-Fiction-Five-Yearly for example. But for her photo we have an old black-and-white photo [from] CBB: Well, that’s [Detcon Chair] Tammy [Coxen]’s project. when she was a young woman in fandom, shaking things up That’s part of what NASFiC is doing. and writing fanzines. What we have right here is a work-in-progress situation That’s basically the exhibit, there’s over three hundred because a bunch of the framed photos have gone missing, so photos in the collection. We don’t always show all of them; I’m slowly trying to replace them and right now half the there’s not always room. Some of the fans that we thought exhibit is printouts. They’ll get replaced as I buy more frames were going places but haven’t really done anything in the last and frame them and deal with all that work in maintaining it. What Tammy and Detcon1 are trying to do is to encourage people to consider themselves as part of the face of fandom and to get photos and to get snapshots. So we’ve set aside ten pan- els, ten of these two-foot-wide grid walls for the ad hoc photos that we’re hoping to collect over the weekend. But that’s a sep- arate project from what we’re doing with the permanent Fan Gallery collection. Now maybe we’ll get photos and learn that person’s been making things happen in Detroit or the Upper Peninsula. Maybe there’s fandom in the UP, I don’t know, could be. Who are t he people who’ve been quietly making things hap- pen in Wisconsin? I don’t know. I’d like to find out. I’m trying to take pictures of everybody I meet and have a conversation with because I may need that photo when I learn more about what they do; right now they’re just someone I’ve met. On a related note, I have my own personal website called Hazel’s Picture Gallery, and you can go to www.shotbyabear.com and get to that, you can go to www.scifiinc.net to find the Fan Gallery. These are two completely different photo projects but I will sometimes draw from my personal collection, to make sure I have a shot.

You can hear the entire interview on Fancyclopedia at: http://fancyclopedia.wdfiles.com/local--files/fan-photo-gallery/fan%20photo%20gallery.mp3. You can download the unedited transcript at: Lee Hoffman. Photo by George Young. http://www.nthzine.com/FR.FanGallery.pdf. Courtesy of the Fan Gallery. You can also visit the Gallery’s website at: http://www.scifiinc.net/scifiinc/gallery/.

Coming Soon: Nth Degree #26 will be available in January. This will be a special issue in honor of our friend C.J. Henderson who recently left us, way too soon. We’ll have a new story from C.J. as well as tribute stories written by some of his closest friends.

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Faces of Fandom: Dave: NYCC is one of the biggest shows on the planet and my personal favorite show to go to. But New York is New Dave O’Hare York; I was born in Manhattan. But New Jersey is a great state by KT Pinto unto itself; it has its own culture and such great people and fans. Other shows have been organized in New Jersey over the I spoke with co-founder Dave O’Hare about the Garden State years (Asbury, NJCC) but none had ever been held in the Comic Fest, a comic book fan event that took place at the northeast part of the state of this caliber. So we said why not? Morristown Hyatt in New Jersey on Saturday, August 23rd, And we couldn’t find a reason, so here we are. to find out a little more about one of the newest events on the As for the time of year, well the convention schedule has comic fan scene. been getting very busy over the years and we figured a month and a half before NYCC would be fine this year. It would give KT Pinto: Can you give me a little history on the festival? people a chance to have some fun as summer ends.

Dave O’Hare: Being a fan of comics and comic art, I KT: I noticed that this is a festival rather than a convention. founded this show and partnered up with Sal Zurzolo to put What differentiates the two? together a show for all. This show has been developed as a way for fans, like-minded individuals, and people that are just get- Dave: Well, I look at a convention as an entity that has 5000+ ting into the culture to come together and have a great time attendees and goes on for days. A show is a couple hundred that to celebrate their comic book heroes. is there for one thing (comics, toys, art) but a festival is some- We try to put together a show that has something for thing that combines it all like a convention on a smaller scale everyone—from the serious collector to the casual fan. and [is] a lot less stressful. We want people to have a good time and be able to enjoy every aspect of the event without tripping KT: What spurred the festival committee to have a comic over others, buying merchandise without having to be event so close (in location as well as time of year) to New York crammed and actually be able to talk to their favorite artists, Comic Con? creators, and guests to learn more from them. To get great pic- tures and really just celebrate the world of comics, stress free!

KT: Has the festival grown in attendance?

Dave: Our first show was in January of 2014 during a snow storm and a week before the Super Bowl. It was put together in a little over two months and drew over 500 people. GSCF II, our official attendance was just over 1000. All in one year. We hope to have this continue as the word spreads.

KT: Where do you see the festival in five years? Ten?

Dave: We will never be NYCC size nor do we want to be. We want to establish ourselves as one of the best events around where everyone wants to attend, especially creators and guests. We never want to become an autograph show as many are now doing. We want to keep it real and just go for the ride for how- Garden State Comic Fest co-founders Dave O’Hare (left) and Sal Zurzolo (right). ever long we can. We will continue to grow but will never lose Photo by The Daily Record. the idea of what this is truly about: comics, people, and fun!

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HFICTIONEADER

If it were just the letter that would certainly be strange enough. But Charley had enclosed a coupon good for a one- way ticket to London, England. Charley and I had been best friends at college—room- mates in the dormitory our freshman year and roommates in a small apartment off-campus the remainder of our days at old Indiana University. More than once, we’d sworn that should one of us ever need the other, never mind the reason or the hardship it might impose, we’d answer the call unhesitatingly. Still, after so many years, years in which neither of us had heard from the other, I was inclined to deny the oath taken in such youthful exuberance, and throw the letter, coupon and all, in the trash. I would have done just that, except my per- sonal circumstances, coincidentally, suddenly lent themselves to taking a trip. Susan and I had been dating for over a year, and I suppose I just assumed I could continue to string her along indefinite- ly. But it had very recently come to my attention that Susan had taken matters into her own hands in a way that was sure to upset the status quo. I discovered quite by accident that Susan was sleeping with our mutual friend and my teaching

Illustration by Shane Watson partner, Ted. Rather than suffer the humiliation of being a cuckold, I Harcourt Manor fabricated a story about a research grant that I could not pass up. I told Susan we would have to put our relationship on by Dean P. Turnbloom hold for a year, while I pursued this wonderful opportunity. I then arranged to take a sabbatical in pursuit of the sup- he letter itself was strange. After all, who writes let- posed grant to write a treatise on English literature of the ters nowadays? An email would have been the norm eighteenth century. Tfor communicating with an old friend. But then, an I thought it would do me well to get away and I had been email is much easier to dismiss—easier to forget about. A let- meaning to write a book on that very topic, so my story had ter is a very deliberate thing. a ring of truth to it. In the letter my friend divulged that he was quite taken by The opportunity to actually begin the book by first tak- surprise when he was contacted by his great-grandfather’s ing a trip to England was irresistible to me. I was certain lawyer, or solicitor as they are termed in England, and even that in addition to fulfilling my oath to my dear friend and more surprised to discover he’d been bequeathed a sizable cheering him out of his obvious well of depression I could estate worth a substantial sum of money. My friend was the use the occasion to prowl the aisles of London’s best only child of an only child and both his mother and father research libraries. had died tragically in an auto accident some five years past. I determined to go at once and replied via email to the Even more surprising, he had been bequeathed the estate, address my friend conveniently included along with his tele- all very properly and legally, with the title and deed signed phone number at the bottom of the letter. and sealed, even though his great-grandfather was still very I was met at Gatwick Airport by a bespectacled middle- much alive, if not well, and residing on the estate. aged man with a mustache in a dark brown uniform. He was

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my driver, James, engaged by Charley to make sure I arrived since we had last seen one another, but my friend (and I by safely at his estate. The ride from Gatwick Airport to now realized this was Charley) with whom I’d lived for four Harcourt Manor was picturesque. The scenery was pastoral years while we were in our salad days, appeared to me to be and quite beautiful as the sun set on the horizon. fifteen or more years my senior. With the gathering darkness it became increasingly diffi- Greeting me in the warmest fashion possible, “Come in, cult to discern the countryside, then impossible. Just as James Winston, it’s so good to see you again.” announced we were on the private manor road, the moon “Charley,” I said, “it’s been a long time,” and I took his rose. As we approached the manor, the trees grew thicker and frail hand in mine, shaking it gingerly, afraid I might damage the shadows darker. What little light penetrated the blanket of it. I must admit, though, his grip was surprisingly strong. leaves only served to heighten the sense of gloom. “How’s your family?” he inquired as he led me through Abruptly we came into a very large clearing. There in the the foyer, down a long hallway, and into the drawing room. middle stood what could only be Harcourt Manor. The There he had prepared a roaring fire. “And Jack, and Alice, expanse of stone and mortar that appeared to gleam in the do you see much of them?” he continued, asking about soft moonlight stood in stark contrast to the dark forest friends long forgotten. “Please, sit here by the fire,” he said, beyond and the terraced lawn in front. The low ground fog inviting me to sit in one of two chairs situated on either gave the entire scene an eerie, ethereal quality. side of a small table on which was arranged a light repast of James pulled up to the entry. As I emerged from the auto cheese and wine. he retrieved my bags from the trunk, placed them neatly by “Thank you,” I replied, looking around the room in the door, and then returned to the limo and drove away with- which the only light came from the fireplace and the cande- out a word. I watched as the taillights faded from view. labra Charley had placed on a table. The furnishings were old, Shaking myself out of my reverie, I drew back an enor- but obviously of great quality and probably valuable antiques. mous iron knocker, letting it swing against the door. It struck He laughed nervously, then said, “One of the many the door with enough force, I thought, to send the reverbera- annoyances in a house as old as this one,” he explained, “is tions throughout the sizable manor house. I waited, not wish- that you have to put up with frequent interruptions in the ing to appear impatient. The door creaked as it was slowly electrical service.” opened from within. As my friend poured the wine, I sampled the cheese, and At first there appeared to be no light whatsoever from we talked about old friends we’d known, reminiscing about inside the manor (I say manor because “house” is woefully our youth. My friend showed none of the frenetic anxiety dis- inadequate to describe it, and “manor”, although it may be played in his missive. I asked him about the letter, “Charley, somewhat lacking, brings to mind a structure more closely you seemed so distraught and troubled in your message, I akin to what Harcourt is). As the door swung inward, I couldn’t help but come. But you…” became aware of a dim flickering in the entryway, which grew He interrupted, “Oh, the letter. Yes, well, I was a bit upset. brighter and warmer. Its source then became fully visible as a My great-grandfather had recently passed you see, and I was tall, gaunt but smiling man holding a candelabra greeted me feeling overwhelmed… lonely and melancholy. I’m afraid it most congenially. So emaciated was he that he appeared mere got the better of me,” he said apologetically. “Just seeing you days or perhaps hours even from the grave. His skin had an here, though, is like a tonic for me.” ashen quality, his thinning hair was unkempt, wild even, and When he spoke of his great-grandfather, he looked away even in the pale candlelight the rheuminess of his eyes, wide nervously. I didn’t think much about it at the time, but I dis- and animated, was clearly visible. tinctly remembered it later on. The combination of these factors gave the impression of a At a little past nine my friend suddenly arose, yawning. man near madness. As he greeted me, however, there appeared With the promise to continue our conversation in the morn- no trace of madness in his voice—nothing about its tone or ing, he said, “I’m sure you must be exhausted after your long quality that betrayed any trace of insanity. trip. I don’t wish to overtax your energies here on your first Could this be my friend? It had been twenty-five years night. We’ll have plenty of time for chit-chat tomorrow.”

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Rising and fetching the candelabra, he said, “I’ll show you to appeared in his left eye that immediately brought the letter to your room. I hope you’ll find it comfortable.” mind. This was the face of the man who’d written me. “After the airplane, I’m sure it’ll be heaven,” I replied. “Charley, you startled me,” I said. He led me down the corridor and up a stone staircase to a “I’m sorry,” he said, “Would you like some coffee?” second-story room. Placing the candelabra on a table, Charley “That would be very welcome. I was just admiring removed two candles. One, he placed in a candle holder your portrait.” beside the door leading to the hall, the other in an identical Casting his eyes downward, in a low, almost inaudible holder leading to the adjoining bath. He then bade me good- voice, he said, “I didn’t commission that; it came with the night and disappeared down the dark hallway. house. Tradition, you see.” The room and adjoining bath appeared surprisingly mod- After a moment he looked up at me smiling—the wide, ern. There was a king-sized bed, a large overstuffed chair for toothy smile of someone hiding something—and invited me lounging and a smaller straight-backed chair at a desk with a to the dining room for breakfast. reading lamp. My bags, which I had left in the foyer, were As we sat down to eat, I asked, “Charley, who was that you placed neatly at the foot of the bed. Suddenly finding myself were on the phone with last night?” to be very tired, I retired for the night. “On the phone?” he asked, seeming genuinely surprised At about two o’clock in the morning, I was awakened by by the question. a loud voice. It sounded as though Charley was having an “Yes, I heard you about 2 a.m. It sounded as though you argument over the phone, as his was the only voice I heard were in violent disagreement with someone.” with pauses where another voice should have been. I arose, Looking a bit shocked, he said, “You must be mistaken.” but as soon as I opened my door, the house grew suddenly Then, gaining some of his composure, he posited, “Perhaps it quiet again. was the wind. It sometimes howls through the house. It can The next morning I awoke, showered, and made my way play havoc with a sleepy mind.” downstairs before 8 o’clock. The electricity had been restored “Perhaps,” I agreed, but I was sure he was lying. sometime during the night. I explored more carefully the path As the days passed, my friend’s health and vigor appeared I’d taken to my room the night before. A fortune in antiques, to quickly mend. By the end of the first week of my visit I felt paintings and artifacts lined the corridors and the walls of the he was sufficiently well enough for me to venture into drawing room. London. I wanted to at last begin the research I had hoped One painting in particular caught my eye, as it appeared this trip would enable. When I’d arrived his health had to be a portrait of my friend, but not as I’d seen him last appeared so precarious that I was uneasy about leaving his night. This portrait was of a much younger, more robust man, side. But with each passing day he looked stronger. Equally a man of my own age. I realized this was the man I had important, his spirits seemed brighter. expected to see when I arrived, not the shadow I’d seen the I approached my friend, “Charley,” I said, “since you evening before. appear to be feeling so much better, I thought I’d pop into The painting was nearly life-sized; a full-length portrait of London to do a little research.” my friend standing before an antique globe in front of a shelf His face grew suddenly pale and wan and he appeared near of books. The painting itself and the frame that held it also fainting. I ran to get him a glass of water, “Are you all right?” appeared to be antique, but the clothing he wore was of obvi- I asked. ous contemporary fashion. As I stood examining its intricate He said, “Yes, I’m sorry,” taking the water, sipping it slow- detail, my friend suddenly spoke my name from directly ly. “It’s just that your proposal to leave caught me off guard. I behind me. know it’s silly, but I suddenly felt anxious. Alarmed, even, out “Good morning, Winston,” he said, “I trust you slept of fear you might not return.” soundly.” Reassuringly I said, “Charley, I have every intention of Startled, not having heard his approach, I jumped and returning. I promise I’ll be back this evening.” turned to face him. The look on his face was fearful and a tic “Oh, I’m so sorry for being such a pain,” he said, seeming

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genuinely contrite. “Might it not be possible to postpone the saying, “No, it looks the same to me as it always has.” trip? You haven’t even visited the manor library.” I mentioned, “I was under the impression that the paint- “Manor library? You mean you have your own library here?” ing was much more detailed, but now the face and figure “Of course. It’s quite extensive, actually. In bygone times, appear less distinct than before.” it was quite common for rich aristocratic sorts to build their “I think you’re wrong,” my friend again insisted. “I’d say own private libraries,” he confided. “You could start your your memory is just playing tricks on you,” he said with a smile. research here, until I’m a bit stronger perhaps, and then go to I relented, “I suppose that’s what it is.” But I was sure it London.” He grasped my hand, “It would be a great comfort had changed. And what’s more, I was sure Charley noticed it to me.” too. “Oh well, goodnight, Charley,” I said and continued to “I didn’t realize you had a library, Charley. Of course I’ll my room. wait to go to London, if you like. I’ve read that some of these As I was walking to my room, through the corridors and old private libraries are quite extensive. I just hadn’t thought up the stairs, I felt the air in the corridor rush past me, much to ask.” His mood improved immediately. like someone having opened a door on a blustery day, and I That evening as my friend and I sat before a roaring fire, I assumed my friend must have done that very thing, or per- inquired about the history of the manor, “This old place must haps a window. I thought to myself that the very house itself have a lot of stories attached to it, Charley. Have you learned appeared to be drawing a breath. much about it?” The next morning I met up with Charley in the drawing “Quite a bit, actually,” he began. “The manor itself, room. As I entered, I was awestruck with how much better although renovated, updated, and added to over the years, my friend looked. His face appeared fuller, with good color dates from at least the early sixteenth century—handed down and he had begun to put on weight. “You are looking very father to son, generation after generation.” Somehow he well this morning, Charley,” I commented as we turned to go sounded a little detached, like a bored tour guide, “The estate to breakfast. encompasses over 300 acres of woodlands surrounding the “I have you to thank for it,” he replied earnestly. manor. Beyond that I’m afraid I know of no remarkable As we turned to leave the drawing room, I glanced up at events having occurred in or around the estate.” the portrait, stopping dead in my tracks. It had definitely “Considering it’s age, that seems a bit odd, don’t you think?” changed. The face was undistinguishable. It no longer bore “Not really. It’s pretty quiet in this area and I’m sure it has- any resemblance to my friend whatsoever. Now it appeared as n’t changed much over the years.” Again, I had the feeling he only a smudged mass of flesh-toned paint, blurred and out of was hiding something. focus, bearing none of the sharp detail it had possessed. At about nine o’clock I rose saying, “Well, I’m off to “Charley look,” I said. “You can’t possibly fail to see the bed. I’m going to need a good night’s rest,” I yawned, “if change now.” I’m going to get an early start investigating your library in Charley took a long look. “You’re right,” he admitted the morning.” stone-faced. “It’s certainly not as distinct as before. Perhaps “By all means, Winston. And, thank you,” he said looking the fireplace, or its smoke, has damaged the pigments. It is at me with sad eyes. rather close.” Looking up at the extraordinary painting of my friend, I Had the entire painting suffered the same damage this paused for a moment as I was walking out of the drawing argument might have been plausible, but it had not. The rest room, rubbed my eyes, and looked again. I asked my com- of the painting maintained the sharpness of detail about panion, still seated, “Charley, do you see anything different which I had first remarked. Resignedly, I feigned acceptance, about this painting?” “Yes, that must be it.” Wondering why Charley would offer He stood, walked over to where I was standing and gave such an obviously poor explanation and determining to the portrait a long look. I thought I could detect a glimmer of inspect the painting more closely when Charley was not a smile come over his face, a smile originating not on his lips, around, I proceeded in to breakfast. but more in his eyes, then it was gone and he turned to me The peculiarities of the painting faded from my mind as

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my excitement about the prospect of digging into the manor dition as Charley had said, but something deep within told library grew. After breakfast, my friend led me down the main me it was more. I turned to the front of the journal and began corridor to an oaken door at the rear of the manor. Behind the to read. door was a narrow staircase. It led to the library. The first few entries in the journal were innocuous As I entered, I was impressed with the size and sheer num- enough, detailing how he had inherited Harcourt from his ber of books it contained—there must have been several father, who had become quite reclusive. It recounted some of thousand in the floor-to-ceiling bookshelves. At the far end of the business and financial interests of the time. I thumbed my the library was a massive, antique, and beautifully carved way toward the end of the volume, looking for more current wooden desk, beside which stood a large wooden globe. I entries. One of the last entries was dated 13 November 1938; knew instantly it was the same globe as in the portrait. it read: As he turned to leave, my friend said, “If you should need anything, you’ll have to return to the main floor. The staff It is with great satisfaction that I have taken this isn’t allowed access to the library. There are far too many rare course of action. The curse of Harcourt Manor will end and valuable books here.” with me. Once I’m deceased, so will it cease to be. What I “I see. No matter, I’m sure I’ll be all right.” I barely was unable to do during my lifetime, I will accomplish after noticed his departure as I began perusing the shelves. There death—the total dismantlement of Harcourt, every last were volumes dating back to the 1600s. Here was The Book of brick and stone. My regret and heartbreak is at having to Urizen, by William Blake, circa 1818; and there was The banish my only son to the foreign shores of America. This is Ornithology by Francis Willughby from 1678. Every shelf surpassed only by my joy of not subjecting him to this curse. appeared to have a treasure trove of books in various lan- My time, I feel, is near. I’ve only to wait. guages. I gathered half a dozen and took them to the desk for further examination. The final passage was written by a hand less sure, but After about twenty minutes it occurred to me that I undoubtedly of the same person, dated just last year. It read: hadn’t thought to look in the desk to see what treasures might be hidden within. Opening the six uniform drawers My beloved son, grandson or whomever this cup on either side of the leg well, I was disappointed to find must pass, them all empty. I can only hope and I fervently pray to God that you Then I noticed that the bottom drawer on the left side will find it in your heart to forgive me for what I have done appeared to be shallower than its counterpart on the right to you. I am certain that once you know the full truth you side. Pulling it out to its limit, a small notch in the bottom of will, if not forgive, at least understand that I had no choice the drawer appeared. in the matter. Please know that as I live and breathe I am Excitedly I pulled out the drawer and turned it over on the heartily sorry. desk top. A leather-bound journal fell out of the hidden com- You will find within the contents of this library as partment. Upon close examination, I discovered this was the complete a history of Harcourt Manor and its former resi- journal of my friend’s late great-grandfather. dents as exists. Once you have familiarized yourself with it, Stuck in the middle was an old photograph. It was of a I’m sure you will add this journal to the many you will find portrait very much like the one of my friend in the drawing on the shelves here. room, but the subject was bald and bearded. Scribbled on the These portfolios are compilations of the preceding back of the photo was the name of my friend’s great-grandfa- owner’s statements of apology, lament, or revenge to their ther and the date, 1917. A flash of dread came over me. unwitting successors. A great many have been from father to Examining the photo more closely I became convinced that son, but on occasion the ownership has changed from one except for the central subject the portrait was identical in family to another—or rather I should say the manor’s occu- every detail with the one in the drawing room. I tried to con- pancy, for no one truly owns the manor. It is, in fact, quite vince myself that this might indeed be some quirky family tra- the opposite.

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In this most recent entry, while I await your arrival, I Murmuring in an incomprehensible tongue, she dipped shall attempt to relate a synopsis of the history of Harcourt, her fingers into the gourd of blood and slowly walked derived through long years of reading and re-reading the around the manor. As she walked, she flicked droplets of aforementioned journals and regional histories. My own blood along the ground. When she’d gone full circle, journal will not be concluded, I’ve come to accept, until approaching the point where she began, the baron emerged after the manor has changed hands once again. from the front of the manor and demanded to know who I had hoped to let the manor and the curse die with she was and what she was about. me, but at one hundred thirty-seven years of age I have come As the old woman completed her circuit, she obliged to accept that the manor won’t release me until I release it. the baron, telling him it was her own granddaughter that The origin of the curse dates from the late fifteenth to had died by his hand the previous night. The baron reared early sixteenth century when the manor was held by the first back and laughed mightily saying the old woman was better Baron of Wexley. A cruel tyrant, he was renowned for the off without such a worthless harlot. evil he visited on the serfs who worked his land. Very much The old woman’s eyes flashed. Her toothless grin hated, the baron levied taxes so steep the only way the peas- became a grimace. With a voice strong and clear she swore, ants could survive was to hide at least part of their crops telling the baron that since he was so proud of his riches and and livestock from his equally cruel tax collectors. his manor, she would see to it that they would never be On those occasions when they found a peasant cheating parted. Intoning a short curse, she looked at the baron, spat on his taxes, the collectors burned the offender’s crops and on the ground, and said, “It is finished.” Without another homes to the ground. Then the head of the household was word, she turned and walked away. tarred or killed. If there were a young girl in the family it The baron, unused to having anyone turn their back was not unusual for her to be raped and savaged before the to him, started after her, his “cat” aloft his head ready to eyes of her family. Should a peasant protest or dare even to tear into her back. But once he advanced to where the blood cast a scornful look at the baron he would feel the sting of the of the old woman’s granddaughter had been sprinkled, he baron’s “cat”, a stiff handled whip with three barbed tails. could advance no further. His feet were unable to cross the Frequently as entertainment for himself or friends, the line formed by the droplets. The old woman turned back baron would summon the prettiest of the young girls in the toward him. As the baron cursed and ranted, she laughed. neighboring villages to the manor. On one particular occa- Finally, she said, “You shall remain always a prisoner of sion a young orphan girl was brought to the baron. She was your own evil deeds,” and then she vanished. No one ever taken from her grandmother’s hut while the grandmother saw or heard from her again. was away. A particularly beautiful and virtuous young girl, The baron spent the rest of his life within the confines the baron was pleased and dragged her to his quarters. of the manor. When he died, his body was removed, but his It is said she put up a valiant fight. At the last, rather soul remained, inhabiting the manor. than surrender her virtue, she jumped to her death from the Empty for many years, its grand style eventually baron’s window high in the manor. The baron, untouched attracted a new owner, a man named Ezra Harcourt, by by this, had his servants carry off her body to be dumped at whose name the manor has since become known. the doorstep of her grandmother’s hut. Ezra Harcourt had of course heard of the curse. But Upon seeing her dead granddaughter, the old woman, over a hundred years had passed since the death of the who many claimed to be a witch, shed not a single tear. baron. Fear and curses fade with time. Instead, she retrieved a hollowed-out gourd from her hut When he moved into the manor, he was astounded by and a knife. With the knife she opened a vein in her grand- the painting on the far wall of the foyer. The similarity daughter’s arm, collecting her blood in the gourd. between the likeness of the baron and Harcourt was uncan- After walking all night, she stood outside the manor ny. This surprised Harcourt because he had always heard the next morning, the gourd of blood, not yet coagulated, in the baron was tall and thin with dark wavy hair, but the her hand. baron’s portrait showed him to be portly with thinning

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hair. Harcourt had the painting moved into the main Or do they? At one hundred thirty-eight years, I’m no drawing room and made certain all who visited observed longer so sure. the resemblance. I also discovered something else that was very interest- Harcourt, who had always been an active, outgoing ing. I discovered the painting, that so delighted Ezra man of business began, shortly after moving in to the manor, Harcourt because of its resemblance to himself, takes on the to become reclusive and withdrawn. He was never seen out- image and likeness of whatever occupant from whom the side its confines and his behavior began to become erratic, manor feeds… even paranoid. He lost weight. Within six months after taking occupancy, his once As I read these words, my heart stopped and I felt all the robust countenance took on the look of a skeleton, a mere shad- blood drain from my face. I leapt to my feet, flying down ow of his former self. He appeared to have aged twenty years. the stairs through the long corridor and into the drawing His worried son moved his small family into the room. As I ran, I felt the air in the hallway moving first manor to care for his father. So frail was the elder Harcourt with me, then against me as the house inhaled and exhaled. by this time that his son was unable to leave his side. The I ran to the portrait and stood there. Tears streamed down elder Harcourt survived another three decades with his son my cheeks as I gazed upon it. There I saw staring down at by his side throughout. By the time the father died, the son me my own image. was well past his prime. The scream that tore from my throat echoed throughout This pattern of the hermit-like occupant of Harcourt the empty manor. To my surprise, it was answered by the passing the manor on to his son, who in turn becomes a her- whisper of a baritone voice I didn’t recognize laughing as it mit, repeated itself, with few exceptions, for nearly three called my name, “Winston… welcome home…” it said, hundred years. It appeared that the curse the old witch had over and over, laughing maniacally. My knees suddenly put on Baron Wexley was passed on to whomever inhabited became weak. I reached for the chair by the secretary near Harcourt Manor. the portrait. I spent many years studying the bounty of rare books in As I sat, I noticed a letter addressed to me, written in my this library before I happened upon two of the journals. friend’s hand. With trembling fingers, I took it and tore open After having read them, I began an earnest search for others. the envelope. All totaled I found 37 such journals. There may be others. From these journals, I discovered that rather than a curse on My dear friend, the manor, it was Baron Wexley himself that turned the Please forgive my hasty departure. I came up to the occupants into hermits. library to see how you were getting along and noticed that The evil that is Baron Wexley gets its sustenance from you had found my great-grandfather’s journal. Although I the inhabitants. Like a blood-thirsty monster, he feeds on didn’t think you’d come across it quite so soon, I was grati- the very life-force of the imprisoned occupant. If one listens fied that I had the foresight to prepare for the eventuality. carefully enough, one can hear the baron’s voice within You will find in the drawer of the secretary beneath these walls. my, or should I say your portrait, a signed deed giving you I determined to end the curse, my life, and the manor complete claim to Harcourt Manor and all lands in title. all at one time. After preparing the necessary paperwork I’m sure you will find all is in order. with instructions to tear down the manor after my death, I I can only hope and I fervently pray to God that you took poison, enough to kill ten men. Although I lingered will find it in your heart to forgive me for what I have done near death for nearly a month’s time, I did not die. Several to you. I am certain that once you know the full truth you other attempts to end my own life also failed. Finally, I will, if not forgive, at least understand that I had no choice resigned myself to live out the remainder of my days at in the matter. Please know that as I live and breathe I am Harcourt. In the end, I judged, I would win the fight. No heartily sorry. one lives forever. I’m sure you recognize those words from my great-

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grandfather’s journal. Don’t be fooled; I was. What my deceased predecessor did not tell you about the curse of Five Halloween Haiku Harcourt is that the sustenance and life the manor derives by Denny E. Marshall from the occupant flows both ways. Evil is infectious. I nei- ther expect nor ask your forgiveness. What I’ve done to you is unforgivable. Creatures visit Earth If you are so inclined, you will find my grandfather’s To have good times and blend in journal on the shelves of the library, secreted there by him On Halloween night before he ran away to America. Undoubtedly, my great- grandfather didn’t know it was there or he likely would have destroyed it. My great-grandfather was preparing to pass on Halloween full moon the manor to his son when my grandfather learned of the All law enforcement in town curse. He ran away before the portrait had transmuted. Expect a long night Because of my great-grandfather’s advanced age when he passed my “inheritance” on to me, the manor began sucking the life force from me at a startling pace, which is why I was Halloween attack so emaciated when you arrived. Humans think the event is Now you know the true curse of Harcourt. I’ve no idea Just part of the show if I can truly escape. If others have escaped by foisting this curse onto some unsuspecting tenant they have left no writ- Halloween door knocks ten record. But I am determined to try. I pray that the evil Did not know the Viking is that allows me to pass this curse on to someone for whom I ’scaped ax murderer once had such genuine affection will eventually dissipate as I distance myself from its source. I earnestly wish you all the best. Halloween monster Wearing costume to cover Your devoted Friend, His real scary self Charley

After reading the letter I spent the next three weeks in bed, suffering from an acute case of depression. Finally I deter- mined there was no use crying over spilled milk. I knew what I had to do. I ordered my solicitor to give me a full accounting of my newfound wealth, which is considerable. A good deal of it is in perpetual trust to the Harcourt Manor Estate, but there was enough liquidity for me to provide myself with a hefty bankroll to live for the rest of my days, once I am rid of the curse. I also had papers drawn up to transfer the estate. But you’ll please forgive me now, Ted, if I continue this explanation a bit later, as I believe the limo bringing you and Susan to me has arrived.

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into nothing. At ten PSI, the suit’s life-support alarm started chirping in his helmet. There was an emergency override— Joker called it the “mommy button”—that would immediate- ly seal and pressurize the airlock, but nobody had ever used it. Harlan focused on the com chatter coming in from the dig site. “…at depth… extracting core sample…” “…copy that…” “…spinning up to two thousand RPM…” The voices sounded indistinct and far away, as though he was trying to listen to the boarding announcements in a crowded airport lounge. It was snowing outside. He wasn’t sure if his flight had been cancelled. “Harlan, give me a status check on your life-support sys- tems.” Pitcairn’s voice cut through the wireless static in his helmet. She was in the Hub, monitoring the team’s EVA activities. “Mother says your heart’s doing the whacky and you know how she worries.” Harlan glanced at his wrist-gauge: it was in the red. Pips of white light danced in front of his eyes. “Systems nominal: everything checks out green,” Harlan answered. “Tell Mother to stop making such a fuss.” He knew Illustration by J. Andrew World the rate of decompression would slow as his suit lost pressure, but he thought about opening the safety cover on the panic but- The Astronaut’s Lament ton anyway. It was Henry’s Law: at seven PSI, embolisms would begin forming in veins. Tiny bubbles of nitrogen and oxygen. If by Bryan Carrigan the pressure dropped much below that, his blood would boil. He closed his eyes and slipped back to that night in arlan activated the airlock and waited for the light Minneapolis. He drank a vodka tonic at the Sky Bar. He to cycle from red to green. His ears popped, his jaw called Sara to let her know that his flight was delayed. She Hached, his skin felt brittle and dry. His suit was sounded apathetic about the whole thing. When he called her bleeding atmosphere into the vacuum, and the gauge on his back to tell her that it had been canceled, she sounded wrist said he was already down to less than twelve PSI. Jets of relieved. He bought a bottle of Smirnoff at the duty-free shop CO2 blasted away the regolith dust, letting the negative pres- and mixed it with orange soda from the Marriott’s vending sure sweep it out of the chamber. He knew the sequence: the machine until he couldn’t see straight and felt like throwing airlock wouldn’t begin pressurizing until the scrubbers said he up. The hotel was right across the parking lot from the Mall was clean. He held his arms out away from his body and tried of America; Northwest Airlines was footing the bill. to mentally smooth the creases in his suit. Dust was the Metal clicked against metal, a rush of air brought back the enemy. Once it got into the station, there was no getting it sense of ambient sound, and the airlock’s control panel out. It moved like a living creature: choking the air filters and flashed green. Harlan leaned against the latch and fell into shorting out electrical boards. Water recycling operations Hub 1’s main operations bay. were already down to eighty percent efficiency and the sta- “All systems nominal?” Pitcairn asked as she cracked tion’s reservoir had a murky tint to it. Harlan held his hands Harlan out of his suit. There was an electric edge to her voice under the jets and watched the caked lunar dust evaporate that cut through the haze.

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“I might’ve picked up a micro-tear in the lining some- the sun would provide the energy they needed to make it where,” Harlan said. “No big deal.” there and back again. The geeks at NASA said there was an “Yeah, and how’s it gonna look in my mission log when I abundance of ice on the moon—all the drill team had to do have to report you dead in an airlock for being stubborn?” was dig it up—but finding it was tricky. “I’d try to make it sound more heroic,” Harlan answered Clementine’s radar imaging identified packets by density evenly. He slid out of his HUT, hooked it onto the rack, and but the changes in density were relative to the surrounding puked on the deck plating. matter; Prospector’s neutron spectrometer mapped out hydro- Pitcairn sighed and said, “I’m not cleaning that up.” gen concentrations, but there was no guarantee that any of that hydrogen was bonded to oxygen. All the drill team really * * * * * had to go on was a vague sense of where the ice should be and a mission critical sense of urgency to get it out of the ground. Harlan carried the latest core samples down to the science pod. It proved to be slow going. Warwick was out on the polar maria with Team 2, but Mother “Mother, bring up Team 2 on the monitors,” Harlan said was keeping an eye on them. Three weeks on station and he once he was back in the Hub. was still getting used to the moon’s weak gravity. Each bounce “One moment,” Mother replied. She woke her monitors down the ladder sent a jolt through his legs. His muscles were and brought the rover’s streaming video online. cramping up from lack of use. The flight surgeon, a Canadian “Location?” named Stone, said it was the after-affects of Caisson’s syn- “Fifteen degrees off relative north, range two thousand drome and prescribed a course of extended rest and oxygen meters.” therapy before he’d clear Harlan for EVA duty. Harlan just Harlan clicked through the control screens and checked thought he needed more time on the elliptical. There was the crew’s vitals. Pitcairn’s heart rate was slightly elevated—no nothing wrong with him that a good workout couldn’t cure. doubt that was due to the excitement: it was her first EVA on Kim sneezed into a handkerchief, glanced at the core sam- the lunar surface—and Joker’s blood pressure was running a ple, and blew his nose. “What have you got?” little high, but otherwise the five-member crew checked out “Slugs from 252 mark 43.” in the green. Kim checked the coordinates on his map and blew his “…holding steady at two thousand rpm…” nose again. “Depth?” he asked. “…depth two-thirty-three… two-thirty-four…” Harlan checked Joker’s handwritten note on the case and “…contact…” answered, “Two hundred and fifty-seven meters.” “…she’s bucking…” “That’s an odd one,” Kim said disinterestedly. His nose “…grind it out…” was red and his eyes were bloodshot. Harlan thought he “…slowing to one foot per minute…” looked like a man trying to kill a cold with a hangover. Harlan leaned back in the controller’s chair and put his “Dump it in the meat locker with the others. I’ll get to it at feet up on the console. Team 1 would be on station in forty some point.” minutes; Team 2 was doing fine. All he needed was a cup of There were twenty-seven core samples in the cooler tagged coffee and a copy of the Post. and ready for the geologist’s inspection. Each core had to be “Mother, any chance you can pull up the box score from broken down into millimeter-thin wafers, fed through the last night’s game?” mass spectrometer, and catalogued into the computer. They “The Astros lost five to—” were looking for water; more specifically, they were looking “Harlan,” Kim’s voice cracked through the Hub’s speakers, for ice. Bistatic radar showed there were veins of ice hidden “I need you to come down here. I think I’ve found some- under the dense regolith that covered the south pole’s lunar thing.” maria. The idea was simple enough: they would mine the ice Harlan bounced out of his chair and back down to the sci- and use it to get to Mars. Its component hydrogen would fuel ence pod. “What have you got?” a vessel’s ion engine, its oxygen would sustain the crew, and Kim nodded towards a microscope and said, “You tell me.”

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Harlan looked through the scope and adjusted the eye- stranger to death. piece. At first, all he could make out were dark blobs of dust “What can you tell me?” Harlan asked. suspended in a liquid. And then something wriggled from “We won’t get an official cause of death until they perform one dark blob to another. an autopsy back on Earth,” Stone answered. “What the hell?” “Give me the unofficial version.” “If this is your idea of a joke, let me tell you, I’m not “His lungs were full of mucus.” laughing.” “Wait, you’re telling me the guy drowned? In space?” Harlan adjusted the focus and another wriggle darted “He asphyxiated,” Stone replied. across the slide. It looked like a microscopic tadpole: a spher- “He had a cold,” Harlan said. Something in his voice ical head with a long streamer of a tail. snapped and he heard his anger echoing off the hull. “Where did this come from?” Harlan asked. “Like I said before: we don’t have the proper equipment to “That slug you brought back from 252? Solid ice. I mean, run the necessary tests. But his lungs are full of mucus; his it’s loaded with debris and it looks like the usual compact sinuses are impacted; his eyes, ears, nose, and throat all show regolith,” Kim sneezed into his hand and wiped his hand on signs of a systemic infection. He had a cold; it killed him.” his coveralls. “But the mass spectrometer, the gas chromato- “Great,” Harlan sighed. “That’s just great.” graph, they all say the same thing: two parts hydrogen, one “Has anyone ever died out here before?” Joker asked. “I part oxygen.” mean, besides Challenger and Columbia. Has anyone ever “Okay, jackpot,” Harlan said. “What’s with our little actually died in space?” friend here?” Stone ignored him. The duty roster said he was supposed “See, here’s the thing: my knowledge of microbiology ends to be in his rack until 0400 and he headed down the connect- at the word microbe. But I’m pretty sure that’s what you’re ing corridor to crew pod. Harlan envied him and turned his looking at.” attention back to the mission. Harlan looked through the scope again. He told himself “Mother, ping the beacon at 252 mark 43.” he was seeing things. He was tired. His mind was playing “Beacon 252 mark 43 is active,” Mother replied. Her tricks on him. voice sounded soothing. Nonplussed. As though the thought “Mother, flash an emergency action message to all team of death didn’t phase her. Kim’s passing meant nothing more personnel: ‘Abort EVA, return to base.’” than an adjustment in their oxygen consumption. If the dust “Message away,” Mother responded. knocked out one of the scrubbers, the eleven-man team could Kim fished a box of tissues out of the storage locker and now survive one-twelfth longer. blew his nose furiously. Harlan looked away; the last thing he “We need to get back out there,” Harlan said. He knew needed was a cold. Kim died seven hours later. the procedure by rote and his mind started assembling the necessary checklist. “We’ve got one solid core. Imaging sug- * * * * * gests an ice-field three kilometers wide. We’ll start at 252 and work in a spiral pattern radiating outward. Soundings at every Stone zipped the body bag shut and evacuated the air. The ten meters.” black plastic closed in around Kim until it stretched against “What do we do with him?” Pitcairn asked. She nodded the contours of his face. Joker handed Harlan a cup of coffee towards the medical pod; her voice sounded froggy. and asked, “Since when do we have body bags?” “We’ve dug enough holes on this rock,” Joker said, “I vote “Those NASA geeks think of everything,” Harlan we drop him in one and kick some dirt over his head. One answered quietly. small step and he goes from being the man who discovered Stone sealed the medical pod and snapped off his gloves. alien life to the first human buried on the moon. They’ll He looked tired and lines of worry etched the corners of his probably name a school after him: Young Li Kim Junior High eyes. Harlan knew it wasn’t the dead body. He’d read Stone’s or some shit like that.” file: the man had served two combat tours in Iraq; he was no Harlan dropped down the ladder to the prep bay and slid

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into his HUT. Joker checked the seals on his gloves and boots. “Did we hit something?” Harlan’s breath closed in around him. The speakers in his hel- “I don’t know,” Harlan answered. “Pull the core. Let’s set met amplified the sound of his own breathing. a beacon and get back to the Hub.” “Give me a com check,” Harlan said. “Copy that,” Pitcairn said. She sounded relieved. Harlan Kowalski, Warwick, and Pitcairn sounded off; Joker wondered if the geeks at NASA had thought to pack them flashed a thumbs-up. any chicken noodle soup. The nearest twenty-four hour phar- “We don’t have anyone to run the mass spectrometer,” macy was 384,403 km away and the Earth was nothing more Warwick said as the airlock cycled from green to red. The air than a blue mirage that barely crested the horizon. In a few pressure dropped and the light over the outer hatch strobed minutes, it would set. And they would be alone under the yellow. “Even if we hit an iceberg, there’s no way we’ll be able starry sky. to give Houston a positive confirmation.” “The thing about ice,” Harlan said, “it melts.” * * * * *

* * * * * Stone and Hagerman both died during the night; their bod- ies were resting in the medical pod beside Kim’s. Pitcairn, The lunar maria stretched away in an endless plain of soot- Kowalski, and Warwick were all showing signs of infection. gray ash, broken only by the rims of eons-old impact craters, Harlan had quarantined them in the crew pod. He swallowed rounded down and worn smooth by the gravitational friction a pair of antibiotics and told himself the twinge he felt in the that held the moon in synchronous rotation around the back of his throat was from breathing too much of the lunar Earth. From the south pole, the Earth looked inverted: upside dust. The atmospheric scrubbers were scheduled to be down and alien. The horn of Africa and the Straits of replaced in three days; the Hub’s air had a haziness to it, like Magellan. There were clouds over Australia. It was winter a bar scene in an old black and white movie. He watched there. Harlan wondered if it was snowing. The rover’s drive Bogart hand roll a cigarette and strike a match as though lung motor spun the drill shaft deeper into the maria. The cancer was something other people had to worry about. tachometer was pushing yellow. Something down there was Marshall held a test tube up to the light. The centrifuge biting at the bit. had stratified the liquid into two layers: forty milliliters of “Better ease back or you’ll burn out,” Pitcairn said. clear water sat on top of ten milliliters of gray sludge. “Roger that.” The rover’s on-board computer could give Joker whistled and said, “Look at that.” him a diagnostic reading, the automated programming could “Yeah.” tell him what to do, but he preferred to do the work himself. “Two-hundred and forty-seven million dollars later, and He could feel the drill’s vibrations through the rover’s chassis. we’ve got enough water to fuel a shot glass.” The vacuum of space muted out the sound, but there was a “We’ll need to find a more efficient method of purification whine there that didn’t belong. He throttled back and the before we can begin operations on a large scale,” Marshall whine faded to a dull hum. said, “but at least now we know it’s possible.” He listened to it, listening for the familiar strains he’d felt on Harlan nodded. They’d mapped the edges of the ice-field, thirty-seven other digs. But the tenors were off-key. The altos and based on their imaging and core samples, they had a weren’t carrying the base notes the way they should. And it rough idea of its total volume. Somewhere in the back of his sounded like the sopranos were just mouthing along silently. head he knew conversion rates: how many metric tons of ice “Give me a depth reading.” they needed, how many liters of water, moles of hydrogen, “Seventy-two meters,” Pitcairn answered. Her voice and days of breathable oxygen. It was a numbers game. sounded stuffy and Harlan could hear the congestion build- “NASA wants us to continue excavating,” Harlan said. ing in her sinuses and throat. She’d picked up Young’s cold; “That’s a joke, right? There are barely enough of us left to there was no doubt about it. keep up with housekeeping operations.” “I’m bringing her up,” Harlan said. “There’s another shuttle scheduled for lift-off in three weeks.”

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Joker said something else about mission control and where * * * * * they could stick their mission objectives, but Harlan wasn’t listening. He was lost in his thoughts, watching The Maltese Harlan twisted the barrel of the atmospheric scrubber and slid Falcon at the drive-in with Sara. Spade was tough-jawing a it out of its housing. Soot and grime had collected on the bot- pair of detectives. They’d woken him in the middle of the tom half of the cylinder. He wiped it clean with a wet rag. In night. His partner had been shot dead; Spade was their prime principle he understood how the scrubbers worked: a lithium suspect. Harlan inhaled the soft, soapy scent of Sara’s hair. Let ion cell overcharged the molecular bonds between the carbon his hand caress her cheek. She was twenty, still a sorority girl and oxygen, the carbon atoms remained trapped inside the at the University of Iowa; he was twenty-three and fresh out ceramic lattice while the smaller pairs of oxygen leaked out as of the Air Force Academy. They had their whole lives ahead breathable O2. The ion cell still had seventeen days of life in of them and in the back seat of her father’s Chevy, it seemed it; Harlan decided to replace it anyway. like their entire lives had been compressed into a single night. “Suppose we vent the whole station—blow our atmos- That long caress under the stars. They’d made love for the first phere and everything straight into the vacuum,” Joker sug- time. Harlan didn’t want the night to ever end. gested mildly. He was working on the other side of the Hub, “There’s a possibility we need to consider,” Marshall said. pulling the charcoal filters from the main ventilation duct. “Suppose the microbe Kim found in the ice isn’t a microbe, “Our little friend’s proven that it can survive hard vacu- suppose it’s a virus.” um,” Harlan answered. “Besides, we don’t have enough “Yeah,” Harlan said. reserve air to re-pressurize, and even if we did, there’s no way “Yeah? That’s it? That’s all you’ve got? ‘Yeah.’” of knowing whether our reserves have been contaminated.” “I spent six weeks in quarantine before I came up here,” “It’s worth a shot, though, right?” Harlan said. “Every piece of equipment, every packet of food, Warwick and Kowalski were dead. Marshall had lapsed everything that comes aboard station gets run through the into some sort of coma. Pitcairn was hanging on, but she was sterilizer. Mission control thinks we brought it aboard during so weak she could barely suck fluids through a straw. Joker an EVA.” had tried to fix her up with an IV, but after failing to hit a vein Joker grimaced as though he’d been stomach punched. He five times in a row, they’d given up on the idea. ran his fingers through his sandy blonde hair and glanced out “And what happens to us when you blow the atmos- the porthole. The lunar maria stretched away like a smooth phere?” Harlan asked. He stripped the bubble wrap off a fresh black sea. They were becalmed. ion cell and locked it into the scrubber. The meter adjusted “What are we supposed to do?” and showed a full stripe of green. It had enough juice to keep “Follow procedure. Quarantine those infected. Dose our- them pink for thirty days. selves with antibiotics and soldier on as best we can.” “That’s the beauty of it: we hide out in the EVA suits,” “How… how is it this has never happened before? I mean, Joker said. “They’ve got their own atmospherics. We could Armstrong, Aldrin—all those Apollo guys—it’s not like we’re last eight, ten hours. I figure that’s plenty of time to re-pres- the first team to Moon.” surize the Hub. We could hold out here until re-supply brings “It’s the maria,” Harlan explained quietly. “The conditions us some fresh tanks.” that make it ideal for ice formation… the lack of direct sun- Harlan loaded the scrubber back into its housing and screwed light, limited radiation exposure… the working theory at mis- down the cover plate. There were four scrubbers in the Hubs. Two sion control is that a virus could survive out there.” in each of the pods. He decided to change out the power packs on “And our survivability? Do they have a working theory all of them. It wasn’t necessary, but it gave him something to do. on that?” “So what do you say?” Joker asked. Harlan didn’t answer. He didn’t bother. They all knew the “There isn’t gonna be any re-supply.” reason NASA sent men to the moon: they were cheaper than Joker lifted the screen out of the air filter; it was choked robots and more easily replaced. It wasn’t something that with lunar dust. He scraped it off with a putty knife, letting needed to be said. Not out loud. chunks of impacted regolith collect in a plastic waste bag.

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They’d shoot it out of the airlock later. Marshall no longer displays any cardiac activity.” For a while, he didn’t say anything. He just focused on his Harlan tried to rub the exhaustion from his face but it work. Once he’d scraped off the caked on layers of dust, he wouldn’t go away. He wanted to close his eyes and sleep until suctioned off the screen with a vacuum hose. it was over. But he was in command; there was still work to do. “What happens to us then?” Joker finally asked. “The scuttlebutt is they’re putting together another expedi- “The ice-field’s marked,” Harlan said. “Houston says mis- tion,” Harlan said. “They’ll drop a new Hub somewhere well sion accomplished.” north of the maria and used a nuclear-powered excavator to “Let’s pop some champagne.” harvest the ice. It’ll melt the ice to steam and collect it in a con- They filled the hours with the menial housekeeping chores denser. The new thinking says the reactor’s radiation should be necessary to keep the station operational, but the day passed able to kill off any viruses or microbes trapped in the ice.” slowly. Finally, Joker settled into the rover’s pilot seat and “Wish they’d thought of that six years ago,” Joker sighed. thumbed through a worn-out copy of Playboy; Harlan tuned the “Yeah,” Harlan said. station’s antennas to ESPN’s Game of the Week. The Yankees He didn’t bother with a body bag; he wasn’t sure they had were in Detroit, playing the second of three against the Tigers. any left. He just carried Marshall’s corpse to the airlock and He wasn’t a fan of either team in particular, but the nonstop pat- let the system cycle from green to red. A rush of air swept the ter from the announcers made it easy to forget the eight-and-a- body out onto the maria. half minute lag that separated him from the signal’s transmission. “You know the first men Spain sent to the New World? The Tigers were down three going into the bottom of the They weren’t explorers; they were conquistadors—literally, seventh, with the core of their batting order due up, when the Spanish for ‘conquerors’—and they kicked the shit of the signal cut out and the screen filled with static. Aztecs because that’s what they were good at. “Mother,” Harlan said. “Magellan, Scott, Raleigh: they were pirates.” “Yes, Harlan?” “I’m with you on Raleigh and Scott, but Magellan…” “Do you mind? I was watching that.” “The Lapu-Lapu killed him in the Philippines and it was- “We are unable to establish a signal lock,” Mother replied n’t because he was preaching the Gospel. Exploring a new evenly. The station’s artificial intelligence sounded not the world’s supposed to be dangerous—men die, I get that—but least bit bothered by the loss. not like this. Not because we caught a cold and nobody “Ping Leonardo,” Harlan said. thought to pack any NyQuil.” “What’s up?” Harlan put a pot of coffee on and waited for it to brew. “We’ve lost transmission from Earth.” Pitcairn had rallied somewhat. She’d asked when the bunnies “Oh, no.” were going out for pickles. He had no idea what she was try- “Leonardo is not responding to ping,” Mother answered. ing to say, but he took it as a good sign. “However, there is no cause for alarm. We have experienced “I tried calling my ex-wife,” Harlan said. “I got her voicemail.” previous signal interruptions. Mission control should have “You were married?” the problem corrected momentarily.” “It didn’t stick.” Harlan waited for the game to come back on but it never Harlan poured himself a cup of coffee. He still wasn’t used did. Leonardo was their lifeline to Earth. NASA used it as a to the taste of instant and he couldn’t understand why the relay to maintain a constant uplink with the station at the geeks at NASA hadn’t thought to install a proper Mr. Coffee. south pole. Without it, they only had a four-hour uplink win- The microgravity might’ve posed a challenge, but they’d come dow—while the Earth was above their relative horizon— up with pens that could write upside-down. The old joke when they could send and receive signals. came back to him: the Russians called them pencils. “They’ve cut us off?” “We can hold out, what? A month without re-supply?” “Looks that way,” Harlan replied. “Thirty days,” Harlan answered. “So much for the geeks at the CDC coming up with a cure.” “Thirty days. And then what?” “I am sorry to interrupt,” Mother said, “but crewmember “They name high schools after us.”

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Is there any other way I can be of service to you today, Michael? “What? Oh, no, that’ll do it. Except, well, could you maybe clean this up?” Of course, Michael: it would be my pleasure. “So, thanks, I guess.” I am glad I could be of service, Michael. “Okay, well, bye.” A whir from the door, a hiss from the hose, a gurgle from the dispenser, a gust from the fan.

* * * * *

Hello again, April. How may I be of service to you today? “The usual.” Of Service Of course. by B.L.W. Myers A pause. A moan, a sigh. A pause. Are you finished, April? ood morning, Michael. How may I be of service to you “Not quite.” G today? A pause. A sigh, a gasp. A pause. “Huh? What was that?” Are you finished, April? How may I be of service? “Oh, yes.” “Oh, right. Well, uh—” Are you satisfied, April? How may I be of service? “I most certainly am.” “Give me a second, all right? All right. Okay. Um—” Is there any other way I can be of service to you today, April? What is it you want, Michael? “No, I’m good, thanks.” “So, the thing is…” I am glad I could be of service, April. What is it you desire, Michael? A whir, a splash, a gurgle, a gust. “Yeah… I don’t really know how to explain it.” Please place your hand on my touchpad, Michael, so that I * * * * * can feel what you like. “Okay. Sure.” Good evening, Joshua and Kimberly. A pause. “Oh!” Oh my, Michael. Now I see what you like. How may I be of service to you today? “Jeez, yeah, let me explain—” “Well, we’re wondering if you could do both of us? You Do you want me to give it to you, Michael? know, together?” “What?!” Simultaneously. Do you want me to give you what you like, Michael? “Yeah, that. Simultaneously.” A cough, a sigh. Of course, Joshua; it would be my pleasure. “Yes, please.” “And can you add a third?” A pause. A gasp, a grunt, a moan, a sigh. A pause. “Really, Kim?” Are you finished, Michael? Yes. “Uh, yes, it would appear so.” “Well, why not?” Are you satisfied, Michael? “Honestly?” “Mm-hmm, sure. “And a fourth.”

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“Kim!” will have to contact the authorities. Yes. “Aww, man!” “Well, I’ve always been a little curious…” “You have?” * * * * * “Is that okay?” “Well, I—” Hello again, Michael. How may I be of service to you today? “Never mind. I’m sorry! Let’s just go.” “See, the thing is—” “No! I mean, let’s stay. Let’s try it. I mean, why not, right?” Please place your hand on my touchpad, Michael. “Sure. Why not? “Oh, jeez. Okay, see, the thing is, I don’t think you’re “Right. So, two more, then.” allowed to do what I—” Male or female? Place your hand on my touchpad, Michael. “Two females.” A pause. “Josh!” Are you ready, Michael? “Oh, all right. One of each, I suppose.” “Seriously?” “That’ll be nice.” Are you ready, Michael? Of course. “But isn’t that, like, illegal?” A pause. Several moans, several gasps, a grunt, a yip, a Not while you’re in here, Michael. Are you ready? yelp. A pause. A gasp, a moan, a gasp, a moan. A pause. “What do you mean, ‘while you’re in here’?” Are you finished, Joshua and Kimberly? Are you ready, Michael? “Yes!” “And what happens when I go back out there?” “Almost…” A pause. “Oh, here honey, let me—” “Wait, wait. Do, other people come in here and want “Don’t touch me!” that, too?” A pause. A pause. A moan. A pause. Are you finished, Joshua? Are you ready, Michael? “Er, yes.” “No. No! I’m not ready. I think I’m—so, what, people can Are you satisfied, Joshua and Kimberly? come in here and have whatever they want?” “Look, Kim—” It is a pleasure to be of service, Michael. Is there any other way I can be of service to you today, Joshua “Whatever they want?” and Kimberly? A pause. “Honey, I’m sorry—” Are you ready, Michael? “Forget about it.” “Let me out of here. I want to get out of here.” “I shouldn’t have yelled.” Of course, Michael. “I said forget about it.” “This is crazy.” Is there any other way I can— Is there any other way I can be of service to you, Michael? “No!” “You can forget I ever even came in here.” I am so glad I could be of service to you today, Joshua and I am afraid I cannot do that, Michael. You have been Kimberly. logged and recorded. Is there any other way I can be of service A whir, a mumble, an exclamation, a hiss, a splash, a gurgle, to you, Michael? a gurgle, a gust, a gust. A pause. “Just let me out.” * * * * * I am so glad I could be of service to you today, Michael. A whir. A pause. A whistle, a light, a flash. A plea, a scuf- Hello, Andrew. You are underage. Please exit immediately or I fle, a shout, a thump, a groan.

Nth Degree #25 Page 28 October–December 2014 FEATURES

The Last Straw by Bob Kauffmann

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You must submit. You have stories to tell, poems to share, games to review… perhaps even artwork your mother is proud of. If you don’t submit, you will succumb to a sad, slow atrophy of your creative emissions. Save yourself. Save your planet. Submit now!

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And Teresa was looking good, too. Malcolm had to admit that Teresa, who had always seemed kind of thick around the waist when they were married, now gave Jennifer a run for her money. Of course, that was an easy race with Jennifer a no- show. Teresa could walk to the finish line. She wore a little black dress and black heels. At five-five she was able to show off just enough leg to be sexy without looking like a hooker. She looked like a million bucks. Seeing her made Malcolm wish fervently that Jennifer would show up looking like at least two million. But by the time Teresa arrived at the restaurant Malcolm had been sitting there for an hour nursing a plate of room-temperature calamari and a beer. The odds were against Jennifer making a spectacular entrance and redeeming him. Teresa spotted Malcolm before he had a chance to duck out. She smiled, waved, whispered something to her date, and, to make matters infinitely worse, came over to Malcolm’s table. “Hey you,” she said, which was classic Teresa when she saw someone whose name she couldn’t recall. “Hi,” Malcolm said, which was classic Malcolm whenever he ran into someone at a restaurant. Illustration by Alan F. Beck “In the back of my mind I wondered if I might run into you here,” Teresa said. Little Green Men in Black “Ah,” was all Malcolm could muster for a response. “Are you with someone?” Teresa asked, purposefully eye- by Stephen L. Antczak ing the untouched second glass of water at Malcolm’s table. “I was,” he lied. “She left a few minutes ago.” s he walked across Peachtree Street in the Lenox dis- “And you’re still here?” Teresa asked, her expression made trict of Atlanta, en route to his job as a security it apparent that she didn’t buy it. He’d never been able to lie A guard in Phipps Plaza, Atlanta’s ritziest mall, to her. Malcolm Allaby sipped a cup of coffee that he had purchased “Obviously,” Malcolm said, intentionally attempting to be in the little cafe that sat across the street from the mall. sarcastic, which he was usually not very good at doing. He Malcolm was distracted by what had happened the night did, however, have a habit of sometimes being unintentional- before. He had gone to one of Atlanta’s more upscale restau- ly, and successfully, sarcastic. rants, Davio’s in the mall, where he was supposed to meet “So how are you?” Teresa asked, giving Malcolm an almost Jennifer, a petite knock-out who managed the Phipps Plaza imperceptibly narrow window of opportunity to be sincere Anne Fontaine store, a high-end fashion boutique. But with her. Jennifer never showed. What’s more, it was the first anniver- “Never better,” he said, being decidedly insincere. sary of Malcolm’s divorce. On top of that, Davio’s was a He was hoping Teresa would get that he did not want to restaurant he and his wife had always talked about checking talk to her. She got it. out “some day,” but never did. And even worse, who showed “It was nice to see you,” she said, forcing a smile. up on the arm of a hunky date? None other than Malcolm’s Malcolm did not smile back. He said nothing. Seeing her ex, Teresa. was the opposite of nice. He’d been trying to get over the fact

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that she had left him, and not even for another guy. For no “What’s that supposed to mean?” one. That had hurt, a lot. “You have something much more important to do,” Adra He thought about it during the drive home, thought said. “Much more important.” about it some more as he watched the news at eleven, and “Like what?” thought about it as he lay in bed alone, and as he drifted off “You, Malcolm Allaby, have been chosen to save humanity.” to sleep. He awoke thinking about it. He showered, ate break- Malcolm blinked, not quite getting it. fast, drove to the cafe, had his coffee, and read a copy of “Excuse me?” Entertainment Weekly and thought about it the whole time. So “You, Malcolm Allaby, have been chosen to save humanity,” as he crossed the street, he was distracted thinking about Adra repeated. Teresa out on a date on the first anniversary of their divorce, “Is this a joke?” Malcolm asked. “Is this, like, a new reali- at the restaurant they had always talked about going to, but ty show or something?” He looked around for miniature cam- never did. eras or Howie Mandel. He didn’t see a rip form in the fabric of space-time just “It is not a joke,” Adra said. “It is not a reality show. It ahead of him. He didn’t see two long, thick, green tentacles is reality.” reach out towards him. They grabbed Malcolm and yanked “So I’m supposed to save the world,” Malcolm said, him through before he knew what was happening. He found attempting sarcasm. himself being held aloft by the tentacles in a brightly lit room. “Not the world,” Adra corrected. “The world will still be A beautiful, young woman smiled up at him. An older, black here. You are to save humanity.” man peered grimly at him. And something that looked like a “Humanity,” Malcolm repeated for clarification. cross between a giant spider and an octopus held him in its Adra nodded, smiling. In fact, she had been smiling the tentacles. Malcolm opened his mouth to scream, but before whole time and it was starting to freak Malcolm out a little. Just he could he felt a sharp pain in his chest, and blacked out. a little, though, because she really did have a very nice smile. “And what will I be saving humanity from?” he asked. * * * * * “You are to save humanity from itself.” “I already joined Greenpeace,” he said. “Isn’t that enough?” Actually, he died. But he was revived. When he opened his Adra shook her head. eyes he saw the multi-tentacled creature again, and promptly “And I helped build a house with Habitat for Humanity,” died again. He was revived again, opened his eyes again, saw he said. the creature again, and this time only passed out. “Humanity will become extinct within the next seventy- The next time he opened his eyes he saw the beautiful, two hours if you fail,” came a male voice from behind Adra. young woman smiling at him. The wall behind her shimmered and through it stepped the “Hello, Malcolm,” she said. “I am Adra.” older black man whom Malcolm had seen before. “Where am I?” Malcolm asked. He had no memory of the “If I fail what?” Malcolm asked. He did not believe the creature, just a persistent dread in the back of his mind that fate of humanity rested on his shoulders. Who was Malcolm he couldn’t quite figure out. Allaby? Just a security guard at a mall. What could he possi- “You are in the Recovery Room,” Adra told him. bly have to do with the fate of humanity? “How long have I been here?” “All your questions will be answered soon enough,” the “Eight hours.” man said. “Well, perhaps not all of them, but most of them.” A sickening feeling passed over him as he suddenly real- “Who are you?” Malcolm asked. ized he was probably late for work. Or worse. “I am Corbin.” “Is something wrong?” Adra asked. “Not your name,” Malcolm said. “Who are you with? “I need to call my boss,” Malcolm told Adra. “I’ll get fired.” What group? What are you going to do with me?” Adra shook her head. “We are merely a collection of humans and nonhumans “You never showed up for work again,” she said. who wish to save humanity from destroying itself… again.”

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That was a lot for Malcolm to absorb in one sentence. development of such weapons begets their use, without fail, First, he wanted to know what Corbin meant by “nonhu- whether intentionally or not.” mans.” Second, he wanted to know just what Corbin meant Malcolm absorbed this, and nodded thoughtfully. by “again.” “But some of us feel that humanity should be given a “Humanity has destroyed itself before,” Corbin continued chance to continue, this time,” Adra said. without Malcolm’s prompting. “Three times now. Each time “Okay, but what does that have to do with me?” Malcolm we have let it happen without doing anything to stop it asked. “I have nothing to do with the military-industrial com- because we believed it was the right thing to do, despite our plex.” Although, he remembered, the security agency he misgivings. But now… we cannot let it happen again.” worked for also supplied contractors to the military for pris- Seeing the confusion in Malcolm’s expression, Adra oner interrogation and convoy escort services in various so- stepped forward. called “hot spots.” So, in a way, he worked for the military- “Allow me to explain,” she said to Corbin, who nodded. industrial complex. However, unless this super-virus was “Please do,” Malcolm said. somehow accidentally released in the Phipps Plaza in Atlanta, “Planet Earth is actually Museum Earth,” she said. “And he didn’t know how he could stop it. human civilization is actually a controlled reenactment of “You are among those individuals whose lives intersect events that first transpired over one hundred thousand years with what is known as an Omega Moment, which is a point ago.” Her smile did not falter or fade one bit. in time when events are sent in the direction of humanity’s “A reenactment,” Malcolm repeated. “You mean like Civil self-destruction. There are many Omega Moments. If any one War reenactments?” of these is disrupted, humanity could be saved.” “Something like that,” Corbin said. “And what is my Omega Moment?” he asked, deciding to “Museum Earth was created to illustrate to the Galactic play along. Community how a seemingly advanced civilization can Adra and Corbin exchanged a look. destroy itself if it cannot transcend such institutions as the “It could be anything,” Corbin said. “Even something as nation-state and organized religion, and overcome such prob- seemingly innocuous as bringing your ex-wife flowers.” lems as racial and gender inequality.” “Bringing my ex-wife flowers will save humanity?” “What about the environment?” Malcolm asked. Malcolm asked. “Any truly advanced civilization recognizes the obvious “Merely an example,” Corbin replied, waving it off. benefit of balancing the integrity of a world’s environment “The truth is, we do not know,” Adra said. “That is for Jik with the needs of progress.” to explain.” “That’s what I thought,” Malcolm said smugly. His ex had “Jack?” Malcolm asked. laughed at him for joining Greenpeace, calling it a lost cause. “Jik,” Adra repeated, saying it with more enunciation so “Museum Earth tells a cautionary tale, which every Malcolm would get it. advanced civilization knows. There is not a citizen of the “We will go to visit him now,” Corbin said. galaxy who doesn’t know the tale of Humanity.” “So...” Malcolm was hesitant to ask, but he wanted to * * * * * know. Even if these people were simply bonkers or part of some Doomsday cult, he still wanted to know. “What happened?” They helped Malcolm, who was still feeling a little unsteady, “An airborne super-virus developed by the United States get out of bed and get dressed. military-industrial complex,” Corbin said grimly. “Stay close to us,” Corbin told him. “And whatever you “It was accidentally released,” Adra added. do, do not look the little green men in black in the eye.” “Accidentally?” Malcolm asked. “It wasn’t terrorists or any- “Little green men in black?” Malcolm asked. thing like that?” “Yes. Avoid eye contact with them, no matter what.” Adra shook her head. “Riiight,” Malcolm replied, not meaning to be sarcastic but “The lesson Museum Earth teaches all peoples is that the successfully conveying a bitingly sarcastic tone that made Adra

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momentarily frown with her eyes (her smile remained intact). Even as the silver ball arched through the air, one of those The wall shimmered, which Malcolm had to admit was an wands emitted a blast of lightning that exploded into the wall incredibly cool effect, and they stepped through it and onto a behind them, knocking them down. walkway as wide as a street. Going this way and that were The silver ball exploded into a rapidly expanding silver creatures that walked slithered, fluttered, crawled, danced, mist that overcame the little green men in black, instantly spun, slid, glided, and rolled. Some were reminiscent of turning them into silver statues. snakes, some spiders, others birds, but most were impossible “Let’s go!” Corbin yelled, scrambling to his feet. to find an Earthly analogy for, at least not one that Malcolm Malcolm still couldn’t move. Adra and Corbin each could dredge up. He put his hand to his heart. Adra looked at grabbed one of his arms and hauled him to his feet. him, showing concern. “You must try to keep up,” Adra told him. They started “Are you all right?” she asked. down the wide hallway, which had become eerily clear of any- Malcolm couldn’t reply. He could barely breathe. thing that slithered, crawled, spun, fluttered, et cetera. “Maybe it is too soon,” Corbin said. Malcolm did his best to keep up, concentrating on putting “We can’t wait any longer,” Adra said. “He is still con- one foot in front of the other. The eyes of the little green men scious. That’s good.” in black haunted him, though. He knew he’d been paralyzed “I’m okay,” Malcolm said, forcing himself to breathe. with fear. Whatever had threatened to immobilize him, he shook it off. “The String,” Corbin said. “Up ahead.” “Then we should go. Look.” Corbin tilted his head to the The three of them walked alone down the hallway. left. Adra and Malcolm looked. Malcolm wondered if he’d imagined all the different creatures A squad of six little green men in black were marching from earlier. But as they walked he saw movement out of the towards them in lockstep with one another. They were defi- corner of his left eye, and turned just in time to see a tentacle nitely green, the dark green of an old lime, and they wore slide through a shimmering wall. A renewed feeling of dread identical black suits. They looked like stocky children, or came over him. more appropriately like midgets, or dwarfs. Malcolm couldn’t “Can I go home now?” he asked. remember which one, midgets or dwarfs, had limbs in pro- “Soon,” Adra said. She and Corbin still had Malcolm by portion to their height. either arm, and they maneuvered him to the right, through Corbin reached into his back pocket and pulled out a wal- the shimmering wall, and down a ramp. nut-sized, silver ball. “First we have to disappear,” Corbin said. “When I throw this,” he said, “run the other way.” “Where?” Adra asked. “Are you sure that’s wise?” Adra asked him. “Random selection,” Corbin told her. “Just grab the first “We have no choice. If they catch us…” one and go. We’ll connect with Jik later.” Whatever he left unspoken had the desired effect on Adra. They now stood on a platform across which hummed She grabbed Malcolm by his right arm. large tubes that looked to be made of pure light. The tubes “Ready?” Corbin asked. were different colors, and crisscrossed like hamster tunnels Adra nodded. with no apparent rhyme or reason. Within the tubes, which Corbin waited a couple seconds more, until the little green were transparent, Malcolm saw different colored bubbles men in black were close enough for Malcolm to see their eyes, darting to and fro. They walked up to a blue tube and Adra which were silver slits. placed her hand on it. Moments later a bubble shot towards Malcolm made the mistake of looking into one of those them and stopped where her hand rested. pairs of silver slits. He saw nothing but unrelenting resolve to “Like this,” she told Malcolm, and simply stepped into the hunt him down and— tube and the bubble, as if passing through a liquid membrane Corbin threw the silver ball. The little green men in black that immediately sealed up behind her. Corbin shoved immediately scattered and drew weapons, little wands that Malcolm towards the tube. looked anything but dangerous. Malcolm did as Adra had done. He found himself facing

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Adra in a gelatinous seat that fitted perfectly to his form and “Yes. You didn’t seem to know what I meant, and then you held him snugly. Corbin didn’t follow. did. How?” “It is better if we go separately,” he said. “We’ll meet at “My computer explained it to me,” Adra said, tapping Jik’s.” Malcolm marveled that he could hear him perfectly her head. through the wall of the tube and the bubble. “You have a computer in your head?” Adra nodded. She placed her hand in the middle of the She nodded. bubble. Outside of the bubble, pitch black had taken on an orange “End of the line,” she told it. hue, Malcolm noticed. The bubble suddenly sped away, leaving Corbin behind. “We are passing by the Earth’s core,” Adra explained. Malcolm did not feel the motion, though. For all he knew, it “Is it safe?” Malcolm asked nervously. was Corbin who had sped away. Adra nodded. The bubble conveyed them smoothly along through the “We cannot go directly through it. We are going around blue tube, beyond which Malcolm could see nothing once it, although we are very close. The energy given off by the they left the platform. core seeps into this universe. The Observatory taps into it “Where are we?” he asked. for power.” “I don’t know,” Adra asked. “Would you like me to find out?” The orange tint was getting brighter by the second. He Malcolm nodded. was actually feeling warmer. Or was that his imagination? Adra lifted her right hand, and poked her index finger into Beads of sweat formed on his forehead and upper lip. the space between them, in the center of the bubble. The Adra wasn’t sweating at all, but her features looked like space shimmered, and then a holographic projection of the they were starting to droop. Malcolm squeezed his eyes shut Earth appeared. Only a greenish hue outlined the continents, for a moment, then opened them. Adra still looked like her or the oceans, depending on how one looked at it. features were drooping, even more so now. “This is Museum Earth,” Adra said. “And this is the “What’s happening to you?” Malcolm asked. Observatory.” A filigree of interconnecting lines—blue, “I am sorry,” she said, “but it is difficult for me to hold green, red, yellow, orange, purple, white—overlaid the image this form in extreme warmth.” of the Earth. A pulsating dot moved rapidly along one of the Not worry? This woman with a face and body like a super- blue lines towards the center of the Earth. model was literally melting before his very eyes. “Is that us?” Malcolm asked. His expression must have made it quite obvious that he “Yes.” was on the verge of totally freaking out. “We’re moving through the Earth?” “It is fine,” Adra said, her voice slurring. “I am a shape- “Not really,” she said. “We’re moving through the shifter. Extreme warmth causes me to lose control of my Observatory, which is in a different universe than the shape-shifting abilities.” Museum, but very close.” Outside the bubble the darkness had given way to a flick- Malcolm shook his head. ering red, orange, and yellow glow. It seemed as if they were “I have no idea what that means,” he said. passing through the heart of Hell, and Adra was turning into “Think of the universe we are in now as less than one bil- some sort of misshapen demon. Malcolm’s heart pounded lionth of a millimeter to the left of the universe we live in. It like a jackhammer in his chest. Sweat poured from his face is so close that events in either universe can affect things in the and arms. other. They are conjoined.” “Are you sure this is safe?” Malcolm asked. “Like Siamese twins?” Malcolm asked. “The cooling system does seem to be having some difficul- Adra frowned for a second, as if not getting the reference, ty,” Adra said. “Not everything works perfectly, even with our then smiled and nodded. technology. But don’t worry, it won’t be long.” “What did you do just then?” he asked her. Until what? he thought. “What did I do?” Malcolm closed his eyes. The heat was sweltering. He felt

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like he was being smothered alive. “This is an out-of-the-way platform.” “Not long,” Adra repeated, although Malcolm could bare- Malcolm looked around him. The platform was huge, ly understand her now. He didn’t want to open his eyes and though not quite as large as the one from which they’d just look at her. He was afraid of what he might see, so he fled the little green men in black. “How can something as squeezed them shut as tightly as he could. massive as this so-called Observatory exist without being After a few minutes, although it seemed like much detected by anyone on Earth?” he asked Adra. longer, the heat had subsided. He still didn’t dare open his “Sometimes things are detected by humans,” she said. eyes, though. “When that happens… it is dealt with.” “Are you asleep?” Adra asked, as if from far away. “Dealt with how?” He opened his eyes. She smiled at him. She looked amaz- “Humans who see a nonhuman for the first time usually ing again, like a supermodel only more so. suffer a trauma as a result,” Adra explained. “No,” he said. “What sort of trauma?” Malcolm asked. “Did you think we would not make it through?” she “They die.” asked. Memories surged to the fore of Malcolm’s brain. “I had my doubts,” he replied. “Is that what happened to me?” he asked. “It is an unpleasant route to take when the cooling system Adra nodded. malfunctions,” Adra told him, “but it is really not dangerous.” “So how…?” “I’ll take your word for it,” Malcolm said, trying to sound “We knew it would happen,” she said. “We were prepared sarcastic but sounding sincere instead. to revive you immediately, before you suffered any brain dam- “Does that mean you trust me?” she asked. age. Both times.” He didn’t know how to answer that. On the one hand, “I died twice?” everything she had told him seemed ludicrous and ridiculous. Adra nodded. On the other hand, he had seen things that made him won- “But now…?” der. Was it all real? “You have been acclimated to the sight of nonhumans,” “I hope you will trust me,” Adra said. Adra said. “More or less.” “I trust you,” Malcolm told her, not sure if he really did, “I guess that’s good,” Malcolm said, sounding sarcastic but realizing he didn’t have much choice at the moment. They without intending to. were still in a bubble cruising through the Earth’s innards, “It is very good,” Adra added, not detecting the unintend- even if they weren’t technically inside the Earth itself but a bil- ed sarcasm. lionth of a millimeter to the left of their universe. “But if I had died for good?” “I hope you really do trust me,” she responded. “Because “We would have had to start over with someone else.” if you do not, humanity is… phhhht!” And then she snapped Malcolm raised an eyebrow at that. her fingers. “Someone else?” Phhhht, Malcolm thought. Adra nodded. “Why didn’t you just start with someone else to begin with?” * * * * * “Because you were the safest bet.” “Why was I the safest bet?” Malcolm asked. They arrived at a platform just inside the Earth’s crust below “Because you’re dead.” Hong Kong, according to the holographic map floating in the Malcolm felt as if his blood suddenly froze. center of the bubble. The platform was deserted. As soon as “Is this the afterlife?” he asked. Malcolm and Adra stepped out of the bubble it whisked Adra laughed, and shook her head. silently away. “You are not really dead,” she told him. “We saved you. Adra placed her hand on a yellowish tube. You were about to be hit by a truck and killed instantly. We “It will be a few minutes before a bubble arrives,” she said. opened a space-time hole right before it happened, and

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pulled you out of the universe. The truck crashed and the A bubble silently whisked into the platform inside a driver was killed.” yellowish tube. Malcolm didn’t remember any truck. “So what do I have to do?” he asked. He wanted a specif- “How does being dead make me the safest bet?” he asked. ic goal to focus on. That would help. Adra climbed into the “The Observatory stops monitoring you once you are bubble, and he followed. dead. If you go back to Earth you won’t be noticed right away. “That’s why we must go to Jik,” Adra said, as they took This gives us an advantage, for a little while.” their seats. “To find out. Don’t worry, we won’t go anywhere “But those little green guys saw me,” he said. near the Earth’s core this time.” “It wasn’t you they were after,” Adra said. “It was Corbin “Where are we going?” Malcolm asked. and myself. We are considered fugitives because they know we “Orbit.” are attempting to prevent an Omega Moment.” “And preventing an Omega Moment will save the human * * * * * race?” Malcolm asked. “Not necessarily. Each Omega Moment is different,” Adra As the bubble shot through the Earth’s crust and then into the explained. “There has been much research into the effects of sky, Malcolm couldn’t help but wonder how the bubble transit the Omega Moments. The one associated with you has a very system worked. How was it able to go from the Earth’s core and large Element of Uncertainty. All Omega Moments have into space? He pondered the question and then asked Adra. Elements of Uncertainty, but some are very small, while oth- “I don’t know,” she replied. ers are so large that they make the Omega Moment practical- “How can you not know?” Malcolm asked. ly, but not completely, irrelevant. The Omega Moment asso- “Can you describe to me how an airplane flies?” she ciated with you—your personal Omega Moment, if you asked back. like—had an Element of Uncertainty well above the Malcolm thought about it, then shook his head. Threshold of Probability.” “This technology is everywhere,” Adra told him. “On “Which means what?” every world that is part of the Galactic Community. Ever “Which means that even if your Omega Moment didn’t since my childhood.” occur, there was still a very high probability that humanity “It’s just so… amazing,” Malcolm said. will still destroy itself.” Adra shrugged. “How high?” “I have never really given it much thought.” “Ninety-eight percent,” Adra said. She gazed outside as they ascended into orbit. At that “Ninety-eight percent?” Malcolm asked. “Why bother?” moment, yet again, she looked amazingly beautiful. Malcolm “Jik developed a theory that saving you would create a sec- had to remind himself that she wasn’t even human. ond Omega Moment for you, which is more of a Reverse “You’re a shape-shifter, then?” he asked. Omega Moment. And it did, according to his rough calcula- She nodded. tions. It created a Reverse Omega Moment with a miniscule “Do you have a normal shape that you use when you’re Element of Uncertainty.” not… shifting?” “Which means…?” She nodded again. “If we prevent this Reverse Omega Moment, humanity “Can I see?” will die. If the Reverse Omega Moment occurs, the Threshold Adra shook her head. of Probability that humanity will be saved is ninety-nine “That is only for family,” she told him. point nine nine nine percent.” “Why did you pick the shape you have now? Malcolm asked. Malcolm scratched his head. All Adra’s talk of Omega “Jik instructed me to do so. He determined that this shape Moments, Reverse Omega Moments, Elements of Uncertainly, would be appealing to you, and you would respond more pos- Thresholds of Probability… it gave him a throbbing headache itively to it than another shape.” just above his left eye. It was all too complicated. “Is it someone’s… do you look like someone…?”

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“I am mimicking a human being who is alive, yes,” Adra said. Malcolm blinked. “How do you…?” “How is that possible?” he asked. “How old is he?” “There must be an exchange of genetic material,” Adra “I do not know,” Adra replied. “Age is relative. He has been explained. “The other must not be aware of what is happen- alive for over one hundred thousand Earth years, at least.” ing, or must consent to the process.” “He doesn’t look a day over forty!” “What does the process entail?” “Individuals within the Galactic Community have access “I believe you would call it… sex,” Adra replied. to the best life-extension technology,” Adra explained. Malcolm wasn’t sure what to say about that. He did won- “If everyone on Earth is supposed to die, how did Corbin der how that would work, if seeing an alien was basically fatal survive the first time?” Malcolm asked. to a human being. “During the original time of humanity’s civilization on “So if you and I… then you could look like…?” Earth, a ship was launched into space with Corbin and other “If you and I had sex, then I would be able to mimic you humans on board. It was intercepted by a Galactic down to your genetic code, temporarily.” Community probe that was investigating that quadrant of the Malcolm absorbed this, then wanted to change the subject. galaxy after having detected evidence of human civilization. “Why did you come to Earth?” he asked. By then, however, it was too late. Humanity had wiped itself “I have always had a morbid fascination with civilizations out. Those on the ship were the only survivors.” that destroy themselves. Yours was the first one that had been “How many are there?” transformed into a living museum. Your entire civilization, “Originally there were two hundred,” Adra said. “Now, he your history, your science, your arts, your wars… it was all re- is the last one.” created so the Galactic Community could figure out how to Malcolm blinked, stunned. prevent emerging advanced technological civilizations from “What happened to them?” he asked. destroying themselves.” She thought about that for a “They died.” moment. “Of course, there are those who believe that civiliza- “What about all that great life-extension technology?” tions ought to be left alone until they achieve interstellar trav- Adra shrugged. Malcolm wondered if that was a normal, el capabilities on their own. The theory is that any civilization natural gesture for her, or if she had learned it. She was, after that achieves interstellar travel has passed the threshold of self- all, an alien. destruction. Humanity was different, through.” Their bubble was well beyond the atmosphere of the “How so?” Earth, yet Malcolm did not feel weightlessness, which he “You had already achieved interstellar travel, and then you thought was odd. He asked Adra about that. destroyed yourselves.” “The universe we are in does not recognize the laws of “But… you said we have seventy-two hours left. I haven’t gravity,” she said. “There are no stars in this universe. Only heard anything about any kind of starship being launched.” shadows of stars.” “It wasn’t in this version of your civilization,” Adra told The bubble pulled into a platform with invisible walls. him. “It was only in the original. There was no Omega Beyond, like a gigantic blue and white and green and brown Moment associated with the launch of the starship, so that wall mural, slowly rotating, was Earth. Malcolm stepped from element of your civilization was omitted.” the bubble and couldn’t help but stare in wonder at his home. “Omitted?” Malcolm asked. “Who decided what to “It is a beautiful world,” Adra said. omit?” “Yes, I think so.” “The Board of Directors,” she said. “And primarily the The platform was deserted, just like the one within the Chairman of the Board.” Earth’s crust. “And who is that?” “Where is everyone?” he asked. Adra smiled. “This platform is not used very often,” Adra said. “Corbin has been the Chairman since the beginning. “How far can one go in the bubbles?” he asked. “Is that Museum Earth was his idea.” how you travel from star to star?”

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Adra laughed. “You are hereby charged with attempting to disrupt the “No, it would take far too long. We use lightships that mission of the Museum,” he said to her. travel in superluminal space throughout the galaxy.” “Not me,” Adra said. “You.” “Superluminal space? Is that like another universe?” Corbin shook his head. Adra shook her head. “I knew there were those who would attempt to prevent “It is an aspect of our universe, a dimension that exists on humanity from destroying itself, therefore I pretended to be the other side of the lightspeed barrier.” one of them in order to attract others to me.” Malcolm nodded. It seemed to make sense, although he “That is precisely what I was doing,” Adra said ever so didn’t quite understand it. calmly. A bubble suddenly slid into the platform, in a greenish Corbin shook his head sadly. tube. A moment later, a creature that looked like a cross “If there’s one thing I’ve learned after all these years, it’s between a spider and an octopus climbed from within. that you aliens can’t lie worth beans.” Malcolm felt himself become faint, unsteady. “Beans?” Malcolm asked, frowning. “It is Jik,” Adra announced. Corbin looked at him. To steady himself, Malcolm reached out, touched her “It’s an expression,” he explained. “It’s one of the reasons I shoulder. He quickly moved his hand, however, worried that can’t believe the civilization on Museum Earth is worth sav- she might have lied about what it took to mimic someone. ing. What’s the expression you use? Hill of peanuts? In your “You probably will not die this time,” Adra said. version of Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart says ‘our problems “It is almost time,” said Jik, in a voice that sounded aren’t worth a hill of peanuts.’ I can’t accept that. Humanity exceedingly pleasant and calming. Malcolm immediately was real the first time around, but we screwed it up. Now it’s felt better. an artificial creation, a tool the Galactic Community needs to “Where is Corbin?” Adra asked. prevent other civilizations from screwing up the same way.” “He has not yet arrived,” Jik said. “But that is exactly what I believe,” Adra said. “I was going “Shall we begin?” she asked. to sabotage your attempt to save humanity.” Jik paused a moment. “You were?” Malcolm asked. “Yes, let us begin.” She nodded. Adra’s smiled vanished, and her expression now seemed “You must understand,” she said. “The lesson of humani- less friendly. ty has prevented many other civilizations from developing “Begin what?” Malcolm asked. weapons of global destruction. Museum Earth has proven “I am sorry I have not been completely honest with you,” that a civilization that goes down that path will destroy itself. Adra told him. She pulled a wand from somewhere, Malcolm It has happened with other civilizations, as well. Many believe wasn’t sure where, and pointed it at him. the entire galaxy could succumb if such civilizations are saved “What are you doing?” Jik asked her. His tentacles and permitted to expand beyond their home worlds.” moved towards Adra. She turned the wand on him, and a “I would like to believe that you did not intend to save bolt of lightning sprang forth and right through his center. humanity, Adra,” Corbin said. “I really would. But I can’t take Jik collapsed to the platform floor, immobile, his charred that chance.” center smoking. He nodded to the little green men in black, two of whom At that moment, dozens of bubbles, of every color, produced wands, which they aimed at Adra. zoomed into the platform, stopped, and from within issued “You are making a mistake,” Adra said. forth dozens of little green men in black, all holding weapons. “Perhaps,” Corbin said. They surrounded Malcolm and Adra. Moments later a silver Adra dropped her wand, and the little green men in black opaque bubble slid into the platform, and Corbin emerged took her to a yellow tube and aboard a bubble, which quick- from within. He strode through the ranks of little green men ly whisked her away. in black until he stood before Adra. “What will you do to her?” Malcolm asked.

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“She will be put into suspended animation for ten thou- He tried to think, what could he do to save the human race? sand years.” Nothing came to mind. “And what about me?” He crossed a street with a gas station on one corner that had “You will be returned to Earth.” a flower shop inside it. He remembered something that Corbin “Aren’t you worried that I’ll do something different now, had said about the simple of act of giving a woman flowers hav- and mess things up? Humanity might not destroy itself.” ing the power to change everything. Malcolm stopped. Teresa Corbin shook his head. loved flowers, and he had never given her any. He had always “You do not know what, or what not, to do. The chances thought of flowers as a waste of money, really. Money meant that you will do anything to save humanity are well beyond nothing to him, now. He went into the flower shop. the Threshold of Probability.” The woman behind the counter turned around, and “I see.” Malcolm’s felt his heart nearly stop. “Or, you may remain here in the Observatory with us,” It was Adra. Corbin said. “We could use another human on our team.” “Oh my god,” he said. Malcolm didn’t even need to think about it. “May I help you?” she asked. “Thanks, but I’d rather die with everyone else,” he replied. “I thought you were gone,” he told her. Corbin smiled and nodded. “Excuse me, but do I know you?” she asked. One of the little green men in black held up what looked “Adra, it’s me, Malcolm.” like a remote control device, and pressed a button. A window “My name isn’t Adra,” the woman said. “It’s Heather.” opened before Malcolm, a portal in the fabric of space-time, Malcolm frowned. Then he realized something. opening to Peachtree Street between the cafe and the mall. He “Did you have a strange experience recently?” he asked stepped through. her. “Where you found yourself walking down the street and then suddenly you woke up in a room, and you were sur- * * * * * rounded by these… creatures?” Heather’s face went pale, and she nodded. At home there was a message from work that if he didn’t call “How do you know?” she asked. in by the next day he’d be fired. Since it was now well past the “Same thing happened to me,” he said. next day, he assumed he needed to look for a new job. But “Did you also find yourself making love to yourself?” then he realized that humanity had a deadline for extinction she asked. that was rapidly approaching, so why bother? Malcolm blinked. So Adra had not lied. There was also a message from Teresa, saying she had “Uh, no,” he said. something that belonged to him and wanted to give it back. “Too bad. It was amazing.” She wanted him to meet her that morning at her office. “I’m on my way to see someone now,” Malcolm told her. He wanted to see her, but at the same time he didn’t want “I want to bring her flowers.” to. He still both loved and hated her. Loved her for who she “Is she someone special to you?” was: the woman he had married. And hated her for who she Malcolm nodded. had become: the woman who had left him. “Behind you,” Heather said. Ultimately, curiosity and fatalism won out. What did she Malcolm turned around and saw a bouquet of red and have of his that she wanted to give back? And why not go see white roses. her if she, and he, and everyone else was going to be dead “She’ll like those,” Heather told him. soon? He got dressed and headed out. Since her office wasn’t “I’ll take them.” too far away, he decided to walk, which would also give him He left the flower shop with more of a spring in his step. It time to prepare himself emotionally to see her again. was amazing how buying flowers for someone made him feel As he walked, he couldn’t help but think that what had so much better. If nothing else, he could now say that he had happened had all been a dream. But he knew it had been real. brought his wife flowers, even if she was no longer his wife.

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As he walked, he saw the air shimmer before him. It took “You like flowers,” he said. a moment for him to remember what that meant. But as a “I love flowers,” she responded. “And you never brought portal opened up in the space-time continuum, there were no me flowers the whole time we were married. And now…” She tentacles lashing out to grab him. shook her head, then continued. “Malcolm, seeing you the What he saw, instead, were six little green men in black. other night, I thought maybe it would be nice to, I don’t He remembered Adra’s warning, and averted his gaze imme- know, re-connect with you… on a different level. As a friend, diately. Malcolm sidestepped the portal and ran across the I guess. But, obviously, you’re not ready for that.” street, forcing cars to skid to a halt as he bolted past. She sighed heavily. On the other side of the street he paused to look back. Six “Anyway, here,” she said as she opened the drawer of her little green men in black were coming after him. They were desk. She pulled out a ring. Malcolm recognized it immedi- fast, too. But so was Malcolm, whose longer legs propelled ately. It was Teresa’s wedding ring. him ahead of them. Three broke off and went down a side “I don’t want that,” he told her. street. Mentally picturing where Teresa’s office was and where “Take it,” she said. “Maybe you can sell it. I know you he was at that moment, he realized they were going to cut him need the money.” off at the pass, so to speak. Malcolm remembered that he didn’t have a job anymore. Maybe seeing Teresa again was the Reverse Omega He took the ring from her. Moment, and that’s what they were trying to prevent. And he “Bye, Malcolm.” had wasted time by stopping to get flowers. Damn! He could He turned to go. imagine it: I’m sorry, I could have saved the human race from “Please take these with you, too,” Teresa said, holding the extinction, but I had to stop and buy flowers for my ex-wife. roses up to him. He wasn’t going to give up, though, not when he was so close. He took them. He rounded a corner and saw the bank ahead. At that Outside, Corbin stood at the bottom of the steps, and moment, three of the little green men in black rounded the behind him stood the six little green men in black. other corner, and now stood between Malcolm and the bank. “You did it,” he told Malcolm. They lined up, blocking his way. One of them pulled out a “Did what?” wand. Malcolm didn’t slow down. “You saved humanity.” Malcolm, running at full speed, got close enough before “I did? How?” the wand could be aimed, leaped into the air and sailed over “The flowers,” Corbin said. “Had you not brought flow- the little green men in black. He went up the steps of Teresa’s ers to Teresa, she would have taken pity on you. She would office building, two at a time. Without pausing to look back, have given in to giving you one more chance. And that would he pulled one of the large double-doors open and went inside. have done nothing to prevent humanity’s demise. But now “Malcolm,” Teresa said. Her office was immediately off she’ll put more effort into her new relationship, which will to the left of the lobby. She sat behind her desk with her disrupt the Omega Moment of her lover.” door open. He walked over to her as she watched with a “I thought you wanted to stop anyone from saving stunned expression. humanity.” “Here,” was all he could say. Out of breath. He held the Corbin shook his head. roses out to her. “A ruse. I knew Adra was trying to stop me. But they did- “What are these for?” she asked. n’t know I knew. So I used my resources as Chairman to make “They’re for you,” he replied. it look like I was stopping her. I had no choice, I had to fool Teresa closed her eyes for a second, then opened them. the little green men in black, too.” “Why did you bring me roses?” she asked. Her voice sound- “Yeah, what about them?” Malcolm asked. ed stern. He could tell right away that Teresa was not pleased. “Now that humanity is saved, their job is over.” He turned “I thought…” around to look at the little green men in black. “I don’t know “No, you didn’t,” she said. “You didn’t think.” what they’re going to do, now.”

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“We’ve been talking about opening a restaurant,” said one. lived, your Omega Moment would likely have happened, and With that, they opened a portal in the space-time contin- therefore your Reverse Omega Moment was also determined.” uum and went through, one at a time. The last one turned to “Oh, okay, thanks,” Malcom, said, smiling and nodding Malcolm, and gave him a thumbs-up. and not really getting it at all. Without another word, Corbin “It’s been real,” he said with a wink. The portal started to turned and walked away. close around his arm, which he yanked back through at the Malcolm decided to go home. When he passed the flower last second. shop, he paused, went back inside. “What about you?” Malcolm asked Corbin. “Changed your mind?” Heather asked. “Oh, I think I’ll stick around, grow old, and see what “Yes,” he replied. Then, “These are for you, Heather.” He happens.” He turned and started walking down the sidewalk. handed her the roses. But there was something nagging at the back of Malcolm’s mind, and he called out Corbin’s name. The very, very old man who looked less than forty years old turned and regard- ed Malcolm patiently. “There’s something that’s been bugging me,” Malcolm said. “You told me that I would’ve been hit by a truck if you hadn’t saved me. How could I have had an Omega Moment, or a Reverse Omega Moment, if I was dead?” Corbin smiled. “Ah, yes… you see, your Omega Moment was actually what we call a probabilistic Omega Moment. Basically, had you

Nth Degree #25 Page 42 October–December 2014 FEATURES

I hadn’t signed up to adopt a child. I hadn’t signed up to adopt a dog or cat either. Instead, I managed to adopt a one-mile section of highway near our house. I called my wife to try and explain my mistake, but before I could say anything she started telling me about how she had told her entire family, friends, and everybody in town that we’re going to be parents. If I tell her the truth, I know I’m going to lose her and be a laugh- ingstock. But if I don’t tell her, she’ll figure it out when no baby arrives. Should I kidnap a child? I could drive several hours away. I know you mentioned that you managed to get a woman to let you adopt her baby. Do you think you can help a guy out and hook me up? Dear Cthulhu, Please? Or even let me adopt that baby from you. I’d be eternally grateful. I wrote to you recently regarding the troubles my wife and I were —Even More Paternally Perturbed Man In Manitoba having getting pregnant and our difficulty adopting kids due to our lack of funds. When last I wrote, I was in jail on prostitution and Dear Perturbed, trumped-up baby trafficking charges because I asked prostitutes to let Letting you adopt him is no longer an option. Sadly, my adopt- us adopt their children should they ever become pregnant. ed son—who incidentally I named Delicious—is no longer with us, I admit I didn’t take your advice to plead guilty to the solicitation charge to get a slap on the wrist and go home. I come from a religious although he lingered with me for days. It was a painful loss, main- family where such a thing would be very shameful, even if it wasn’t true. ly because Delicious gave me such heartburn. And Cthulhu has not Luckily, all the charges were dropped thanks to a good judge. Turns gotten any letters recently from people trying to get rid of their out the cops who did the sting had recorded the whole thing. They had- unwanted or tasty children. Although that in and of itself is an odd- n’t introduced the video as evidence, relying on the undercover officer’s ity. As I mentioned to you in my response to your previous letter, testimony. My public defender was too stupid to ask to see the recording. human parenting is a thankless and heartbreaking task. Every few As luck would have it, I was arraigned right after another gentleman months I get a letter from a parent wanting to get rid of their chil- was caught in the same sting. They used a video showing that he had dren in some way, shape, or form. Amazingly, few are actually requested not only the services of three prostitutes, but a goat, a vacu- willing to go through with it in the end, some out of misguided love um cleaner, and an inflatable teddy bear. The judge asked if my arrest was from the same sting operation and and others from a fear that the authorities might prosecute them. then asked my lawyer if he had seen the video. He admitted he hadn’t, I do not recommend kidnapping a child. Fifty years ago it may so the recording was played. It clearly showed that I was telling the truth have worked, but today in the information age, any missing child and although I did pay the prostitutes, it was only so I could speak to will have an Amber alert issued and anyone with a new baby will them about adoptions. Luckily, paying people to talk to you isn’t illegal eventually meet someone who starts asking questions and is intel- and all the charges were dropped. Unfortunately, one of the reporters in ligent and nosy enough to call a tip line. After a quick round of the courtroom wrote a feature about me in the paper that my wife read. genetic testing, there will be no doubt as to your crime. I hadn’t told her about the arrest or who I was speaking to about adop- I do not believe you will be able to procure a baby in time to tion. At first she didn’t believe me when I told her I hadn’t been with any placate your wife and adopting a pet will not be the same, espe- of those women. After I finally convinced her with a transcript of the court hearings, I dove in head first and mentioned your advice about me cially for a human female who feels motherhood is passing her by. having an affair in order to impregnate another woman. My wife slapped Cthulhu reiterates that your best bet for a child is to impreg- me across the face, then moved back home with her mother. nate another woman, then sue for joint custody. My wife is the love of my life and her leaving hit me hard. And her Barring that, go out and purchase one of those It’s a Boy signs slap did too. I started drinking heavily. One night while I was extremely with a stork on it and put it out on your stretch of highway and drunk, I started trolling the Internet for a way to adopt a baby that would- bring your wife by and explain what happened. Perhaps she will n’t cost as much as a small house, which was far more money than we had. have a sense of humor about it. Or, more likely, file for divorce. Then an online miracle happened. I found an adoption site that Of course, that will leave you unencumbered to go out and try to was totally and absolutely free. Admittedly, there was a lot of alcohol in impregnate other women. And if you are successful in gaining my system and the screen was not only blurry, but there appeared to be two of them, but I wasn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth. I filled custody, you can use the child as a lure to re-kindle your romance out the form and was instantly approved for the adoption. They even with your wife. Or perhaps you will find you enjoy the new and emailed me a certificate. fertile female more than your barren and unsupportive one. Even though it was two in the morning, I drunk dialed my wife and Have A Dark Day told her the news. She was so excited and happy, that she came right Dear Cthulhu welcomes letters and questions at [email protected]. All home and we made mad passionate love. letters become the property of Dear Cthulhu and may be used in future columns. Dear The next morning I overslept for work and had to leave without Cthulhu is a work of fiction and satire and is © and ™ Patrick Thomas. All rights taking a shower or eating breakfast, but I made it to work on time. I reserved. Anyone foolish enough to follow the advice does so at their own peril. For more didn’t have a chance to check my email for the adoption papers until Dear Cthulhu get the collections Cthulhu Knows Best; Dear Cthulhu: Have A Dark lunchtime. It was then I realized my mistake. Day; and Dear Cthulhu: Good Advice For Bad People from Dark Quest Books.

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