Friday The Independent February 06, 2004 Cambridge Student Issue 594 Newspaper since www.varsity.co.uk 1947 Predator - Pray? CICCU defends itself from accusations of homophobia

Gabriella Jozwiak “insulting” methods. Some gay students Secretary of CICCU argued the comments felt people have lost sight of this.” even made allegations of homophobia had to be seen in context, “The Bible says Some students argued that Christians Laura-Jane Foley after they were told they would “go to hell” that sex is designed for marriage… all sex should be as able to express their own beliefs unless they changed their ways. outside marriage is outside God’s plan. The publicly to the same extent that homosexu- This week, the Cambridge Inter- At a talk in Girton on Monday a speaker Bible doesn’t even have homosexual sex in als are able to practice their lifestyle. Collegiate Christian Union (CICCU) appeared to compare homosexuality to bes- mind.” Other Christians would go even fur- However, further complaints centre around held its main event, Promise, aiming to tiality by saying, “It’s not that we see gay sex ther. Christians in Cambridge form a allegations that college-based CICCU spread the Christian message. They dis- as worse than any other sin. It’s just the diverse community with many forms of members actually invade students’ privacy. JJ tributed 12,000 copies of St. John’s Gospel same as sleeping with animals.” At another opinion, including one prominent gay Primrose, a gay student at St. Catharine’s and held a series of talks attended by hun- speech on Thursday a preacher explicitly Christian group Revelate. One student from college claimed that he was specifically tar- dreds of believers and non-believers. claimed there were people in the room who APU felt that the talk had been “a bit harsh. geted by two CICCU representatives to However, the week was marred when some would be going to hell because of their sex- At the end of the day the most important attend last night’s talk. He believes he was students argued that CICCU were taking ual immorality. This caused offence among commandment is ‘you shall love your neigh- approached because of his persuasion as... evangelism too far using “intrusive” and many students. Yet, Stephen Boon, the bour as yourself ’ At times this week I have continued on page 2

The region’s best guide to what’s on – see next Thursday’s Cambridge Evening News NEWS 02 Feb 06, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk Mixed Message Boat Race sets sail continued from front page remaining unvisited students and ask Ellie Hargreaves at the Boat Race, they felt they had Saturday’s gig, “Maybe it won’t open as ...“both individuals are well aware of their permission to come to their room. really arrived. a restaurant… run by c**ts!” The peti- [his homosexuality]”. Other students Yet many do not mind the CICCU The loss of the venue will have a tion was circulated and signed among claim to have received comments such approach. Yoni Garson, the President of Last weekend saw The Boat Race significant effect on the Cambridge the crowd. as, “you’ll go to Hell,” or, “you’re JSoc commented, “I don’t care what they pub and live music venue shut its music scene. With a capacity of The night was a huge success, which damned,” because they were gay. do. As long as they’re not coming along doors for the final time. The last around three hundred and live music only made the Boat Race’s closure seem CICCU deny that this form of homo- to our Friday night dinner trying to con- night’s line up had local favourites, seven nights a week, many students more unnecessary. Jazz from Right Turn phobic targeting was part of the mission vert us then they can continue sticking as Right Turn Clyde and The Broken will be left with fewer options to Clyde, described the closure as the and have distanced themselves from many free chocolate bars in my pigeon Family Band headlining. Enterprise indulge their love of live music. The “biggest travesty” and pointed out that reports of hostility towards homosexuals. hole as they like!” Inns are now rumoured to be turning same is not true of beer and wine the new locals would be “ponsey twats”. Michelle Taylor, a Downing College Boon said that the week had largely the much-loved venue into a restau- drinkers, who hardly need another The departing landlord, Stan, received CU member told Varsity, “if I was a gay been a success. Responding to criticism rant or wine bar. the biggest cheer of the night. His hard person, I can understand why I might about pestering students and targeting Enjoyed by both town and gown for “Maybe it won’t open as a work over the past seven years has won feel threatened by Christianity,” but particular groups he told us “irrespective many years, stars such as Oasis and restaurant...run by c**nts!” him the love and respect of Cambridge stressed that the Christian belief was of background – we want everyone to The Darkness have performed on the music enthusiasts. He was thanked pro- “equality in the sight of God… we’re hear. We approach them in the same small and dingy stage. The Boat Race fusely by all the artists and described as a ways as everybody else. As many people has also launched local bands Miss watering hole. Karl Hartland from the ‘saint’ by Greg McDonald. Cambridge is “So far, all events have been as possible need to know who Jesus Black America and The Broken local radio station ‘209 Radio’ has certainly losing something exceptional, respectful of each Christ is… [these talks] give people a Family Band. Greg McDonald of The attacked Enterprise Inns’ proposals. and despite the efforts of ‘209 Radio’ and other...there have not been chance to ask questions”. Dawn Parade commented, that to An on-line petition (thema- their supporters, this looks set to be the However, Boon did express concern at headline a Saturday night at the Boat [email protected]) has been set up end of the show. The only hope now is hundreds of complaints” the criticisms. As a result, CICCU and Race was “something for bands in to help save the venue. Backed by in smaller live music pubs such as The CUSU are now working together to Cambridge to aspire to”. On his band’s musicians and fans, Steven Adams of Portland Arms and The Man on the giving out books not attempting to bash ensure that the same problems do not first tour they played to eight people the Broken Family Band was one of Moon, before the wine bars also take people with it. ” However, she described recur. It seems to be the College-based each night, but with a sell-out final gig many to voice his opinions at them over. comments about hell as “unconstructive. mission work rather than CICCU That’s not the message of God, it needs which has been put into question. Taylor more explaining.” told Varsity that college reps were told to But others have also criticised certain be “discrete” when handing out the eaves gr members of CICCU as aggressive. The Gospel, accept refusals and only talk to biggest response to Promise’s tactics students about Christianity if ques- have come from students who objected tioned. CICCU was aware the mission

to CU members knocking on room could cause complaint, so aimed to avoid Ellie Har doors and handing out the specially pub- “ruffling anyone’s feathers”. lished St John’s Gospel. At Girton CUSU President Ben Brinded College, the JCR received over fifty observed, “so far, all events have been complaints that the approach was respectful of each other and considering “intrusive” and “intimidating”. The the size there have not been hundreds of Girton JCR President, Omar Shibli, complaints”. He also praised the commented, “People cannot walk away CICCU run events for “encouraging if they feel uncomfortable.” One student students to think about their beliefs.” commented that: “no other religious or When questioned about ‘pushy’ meth- non-religious group in college would be ods compared to other religious soci- allowed to conduct itself in the way the eties, Taylor pointed out that, as the Christian Union does”. The complaints largest religious society in Cambridge, led to a meeting of the JCR, which told CICCU has the financial means to the CICCU members to stop unsolicit- launch such a big campaign and stressed ed door knocking. Instead, the members the “urgency of the message. The mes- were only allowed to pigeon hole the sage of life drives you to tell.” Right Turn Clyde in action Colleges in big security shake-up

James Rice stranger after leaving a nightclub and Varsity that there were plans to install Sam Bostock forced down an alleyway. A small group “late key” or combination lock doors at of second year St. Catharine’s students staircase entrances. was attacked at the end of Michaelmas Elsewhere, students have organised Plans are in place to radically improve term when walking back to college their own schemes independently of security in many Cambridge colleges accommodation next to the University college authorities. Jo Pocock, JCR following a number of recent inci- Library. As a result of this incident, St. Women’s Officer at Emmanuel, recent- dents that have raised fears over stu- Catharine’s has launched a taxi scheme ly launched a “buddy scheme” whereby dent safety. for its members. However, one porter told students living out of college meet at Caius, St. Catherine’s, Selwyn and Varsity that the college “frown on calling the porter’s lodge and walk home in a Trinity are among those intending to a taxi just for one person”. This attitude large group, following a number of implement new security measures in attacks on second-year students living forthcoming weeks. The key issue The Student suffered in off-site accommodation. Jesus appears to be the open, public access to numerous cuts and bruises College has issued surveys to its female many colleges, which has resulted in students in order to gauge the extent of numerous cases of petty theft and, more during the attack crime committed against its members. worryingly, violent intimidation of stu- Good relations between colleges and dents. would appear to conflict with the reason- the police appear to be of a high prior- Last week, a Trinity student was seri- ing behind the scheme as individuals are ity. In Michaelmas term, CUSU wel- ously assaulted on the staircase leading more frequently attacked than those in fare officer Liz Waller escorted to his room. The attacker then shouted large groups. Cambridge MP Anne Campbell and obscenities at the student and later Selwyn College, have experienced a Simon Marriott of Parkside Police sta- harassed him by forcing large quantities number of walk-in thefts and made a tion around the “problem spots” of of rubbish through his door. The stu- number of proposed amendments to Cambridge. These included Sidgwick dent suffered numerous cuts and bruis- the college’s security. The security Avenue, the backs of Trinity and Clare es during the attack, which is now review will aim to improve methods of Colleges and Garret Hostel Lane. being investigated by the police. securing college buildings and increas- Security seems to be more of a pri- Proposals have since been made to ing student vigilance. A JCR-run ority issue in colleges closer to the city restrict access to all parts of the college awareness programme featuring a pres- centre. Authorities in colleges on the other than the main gate, as is the case entation by the Crime Prevention outskirts of Cambridge stated that in many other colleges. Officer. Lockable bolts are to be placed The problem of violence and intimida- on ground floor windows, wooden incidents were rare. There remains, the tion is of particular concern to students fences will be replaced with iron rail- issue of poor lighting and dangers of living in accommodation outside of col- ings, and low-level lighting is to be mugging in quieter areas. With this in

ew Gillespie lege. Last week, a female undergraduate installed. Shiraz Masood, JCR mind, the Graduate Union is running from Homerton was accosted by a President of Selwyn, also informed a two-hour self-defence course. Andr NEWS www.varsity.co.uk Feb 06, 2004 03 Students make a break for it RAG Jailbreak sees Cambridge students jetsetting across the world for charity - on no money

told Varsity, “it was really exciting British national record for Jailbreak!” annual event and thinks that “it has the mated Jailbreak to make around £5000 Sarah Marsh receiving calls from phone boxes all over In Tokyo, the successful team was potential to become really popular”. through the teams’ sponsorship by the world”. able to stay with relatives of Fisher. She reasons that if they are able to hold family and friends; almost 5% of the At 8 am last Friday, thirty-four Teams hitchhiked in traditional The team’s only expense for this the Jailbreak at the end of term, the £95 000 official target for 2003/2004. Cambridge students set off from fashion, but succeeded in travelling- extraordinary weekend was the price teams could enjoy their final destina- So far RAG has raised £45,000 and is Parkside Police Station. Their aim: furthest by obtaining sponsorship of a ticket on the Tokyo subway sys- tions over the vacation. focusing on RAG week (21st – 29th to get as far from Cambridge as pos- from companies including Subway, tem. Their free flights, on the other Thompson declared that she esti- February) to make up the rest. sible in thirty-six hours. There was, Ryanair, P&O, and Easyjet. One pair hand, were worth £1400 each! however, one small catch. All partic- managed to tag onto a “disco train” The general consensus among par- ipants had to blag their way to their taking them to the highest peak in ticipants was that the public had been final destination and couldn’t spend France as part of a package deal. extremely generous and sensitive to so much as a penny in the process. Daniel Morgenthau and Joseph their cause. Michael Henson, who The students took it in their stride Fisher, both first-year geographers at travelled to Malaga, confirmed that, and reached numerous exotic loca- Emmanuel, travelled to Japan with All “everyone was really helpful and tions across the world (and Dublin), Nipon Airways. Their oriental enthusiastic.” The authorities even with the winners making it to Tokyo. endeavours won them the first prize of gave one team special permission to Seventeen teams left Cambridge a weekend in Paris. stay overnight in Southampton airport decked out in fancy dress after RAG and whilst the same team ended up encouraged participants to don costumes “We travelled six thousand having to fund their own return flight genthau and Joseph Fisher in order to highlight the charity element miles from Cambridge, beat- from Dublin, the airport staff clubbed of the competition. The couple with the ing the previous record.” together to pay their taxes. Across the best fancy dress – Sully from ‘Monsters Channel, a Frenchman was so Inc.’ and a cavewoman - were awarded Fisher was initially met with refusal impressed by one pair’s enthusiasm Daniel Mor bottles of champagne for their efforts. at Heathrow airport last Friday where that he gave them fifty euros to enjoy While some teams had already he spent six hours covering all four ter- their time in his hometown. sought sponsorship from travel-firms, minals. At 6.40pm, however, just This is the first time that Cambridge others relied upon good luck and good twenty minutes before the flight was has run a Jailbreak. RAG president will, blagging their their way onto due to depart, confirmation came from Thompson told Varsity that although planes, trains, ferries and cars. They the Head Office of ANA (All Nippon the idea originated from Bristol hitched to places such as Tokyo, Berlin, Airways) that he and his team-mate University, Cambridge not only had Malaga, Rotterdam, Paris, Hamburg had obtained a return ticket to Japan. more participants, but actually broke and Bordeaux. Each time they crossed a Fisher commented, “We travelled six the previous record of some 5,000 miles border or took a flight, jail-breakers thousand miles from Cambridge, beat- achieved by a team from Bristol who telephoned RAG president Becky ing the previous record of the Grand reached Phoenix, Arizona. Thompson Thompson to inform her. Thompson Canyon. We may even have set a stated she hoped to make Jailbreak an

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www.fasttrackteaching.gov.uk NEWS 04 Feb 06, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk Beggars: Nor-wich way to go Battle City council tempts the homeless out of Cambridge with free train tickets Abigail O’Reilly nesses to remedy the situation. a high degree of homelessness in what is amount of financial support for local of the According to a recent survey conduct- a relatively small city. projects. Student organisation CUSH ed by local shelter Wintercomfort, Shelters in Cambridge need more (Cambridge University Support for the The recent spate of cold weather has approximately thirty-five people sleep money. Ruth Wyner, Director of Homeless) aims to raise money for local brought increased attention to the rough in Cambridge. At least twenty- Wintercomfort commented, “While shelters Wintercomfort and Jimmy’s by city’s problem of homelesness. seven people have died on the streets in increasing student awareness and Bands Cambridge City Council faced harsh the last two years. As the city continues Cambridge has more rough- encouraging volunteers in services pro- criticism this week as it defended its to become more affluent, increasing vided for the homeless. Recent figures Sarah Marsh policy of handing out free train tickets numbers of homeless people are lured to sleepers than Birmingham or show that around one hundred students to Norwich to homeless individuals. Cambridge to beg. In a report published Manchester volunteer in these shelters. RAG runs a Many view this as an attempt to off- last month by the Government’s Rough series of events throughout the year to Student Community Action (SCA) is load the problem onto another city. The Sleepers Unit, Cambridge was shown to 82% of donations and funding go to raise money for homeless charities. Sums launching Cambridge’s first “Battle of the policy is evidence of Cambridge’s clamp- have more people sleeping rough than projects in London, 80% of rough sleep- of up to £ 15,000 have been raised for Bands”. The publicity campaign has only down on begging and vagrancy but con- Birmingham or Manchester. The high ers are located outside the capital”. projects dealing with the homeless in just begun and finals take place on March flicts with recent moves taken by local number of tourists in Cambridge seems Student-run activities in Cambridge recent years. In 2002 the Peterhouse 3rd, yet tickets are already selling out and shelters, student organisations and busi- to be the chief factor in explaining such have, however, generated a significant May Ball also lent their support to more than twenty bands have applied. CUSH with several other events and The concept of a “battle of the bands” balls now showing interest in doing so has earnt the sponsorship of major this year. organisations and airtime on local radio. chive A serious disadvantage for homeless Coordinated by charities, it is a signifi- people is their lack of permanent address, cant awareness and fundraising event as which means they can neither apply for well as a serious window of opportunity arsity Ar jobs nor claim Government benefits. for upcoming groups. V However, a number of Cambridge busi- Ten finalists will have the chance to nesses are actively recruiting homeless perform to a concert hall of 500 people, people on the principle that it will including May Ball organisers and pub increase their confidence and help them and club management looking to hire get work in the future. bands.The winner will be rewarded with The Cambridge branch of Marks and a studio session and CD press from Zoo Spencer, for example, recently launched Audio, a Cambridge-based digital its ‘Marks and Start’ campaign. The pro- recording studio. gramme offers work placements to indi- The winner will also have their CD viduals who may face particular difficulty aired on radio Q103; listened to by in getting a job. Andy Westwood, head 125, 000 people per week. Rachel Furley, of policy research at The Work Events-Coordinator, challenged groups Foundation believes giving the homeless to come forward: “In a band? Any good?! such opportunities can only be a positive Prove it!” thing. However, he added that there was Tickets for the final are on sale at their much progress left to be made. “There head office in Pembroke Street for £5. All are still far too many people excluded proceeds fund community projects run from the mainstream economic life of throughout the year.

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JPMorgan is a marketing name of J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. and its subsidiaries worldwide. ©2004 J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. All rights reserved. JPMorgan is an equal opportunities employer. NEWS www.varsity.co.uk Feb 06, 2004 05 IQ reaches 100 Varsity editor fakes it

Centenary for the Cambridge test Aisleigh Sawyer Faking It, filmed last June, charts the year old rock singer in what proved to be a Matthew Bennet tific experiment: they all took the progress of Laura-Jane in her quest to somewhat turbulent relationship. BBC’s ‘Test the Nation: The IQ test’ become a punk-rocker. Foley believed that Ms. Foley wasn’t a typical faker, resist- (available on the BBC website). They Varsity co-editor Laura-Jane Foley was the show would be “an amazing opportuni- ing being “manipulated by producers” and This year heralds the one-hundredth all have good A-level results with the plucked from her natural habitat in the ty to spend four weeks singing.” She was, refusing to cut her hair stating that “it was anniversary of the first IQ Test. The usual plethora of ‘A’ grades, but what Cambridge choral scene and given four however, disappointed to find that instead one rule for her [her mentor] and one for ideas that brought about the testing about their IQs? Top of the class was weeks to master the skill of rock ‘n’ roll of becoming an opera singer or a musical me – she had long blonde hair!” “They of ‘intelligence’ and the test itself the Engineer with an IQ score of 138 well enough to fool a panel of expert star, producers wanted her to cut her long were going for a big shock-factor but I had were developed in Cambridge by a (Mensa territory) followed by the judges for Channel 4’s transformational silky hair and wear “ripped monstrosities” as my life to go back to. ” LJ, as she was cousin of Darwin. The anniversary Historian on 135, Lawyer on show Faking It to air next Tuesday at part of her hardcore immersion in the raises questions as to why the method 128…and the NatSci? 109. 9pm. But the experience was a far cry from world of rock. For the Faking It experience, “They were going for a big is no longer used, and how would a Fear not NatScis, all is not lost. IQ her expectations. Laura-Jane shared a London flat with a 22- shock factor” 21st century student fare? itself is often questioned by scientists The 11+ exam contains an element and educationists alike as a valid indi- known during filming, found the experi- of ‘intelligence’ testing while the cator of ‘intelligence’. Professor of ence very superficial, “producers were con- American SATs (Scholastic Aptitude applied educational psychology at stantly telling me what to say” and the fact Tests) evaluate potential rather than Exeter, Bob Burden, wrote in The that “it was set up so [she and her mentor] Channel 4 current academic ability. An experi- Guardian this week that ‘intelligence’ never really got to know each other” ment into the difference between doesn’t even exist and that “if it does, it meant rifts developed. “I was a trained ‘intelligence’ and academic ability was should be used as an adjective or an musician,” she asserts, but “was often dis- run by the NFER (National adverb only and not as a noun”. missed and patronised”. Foundation for Education Research) 100 years on since the first IQ Attending award ceremonies and gigs, who gave 1,200 students from tests were taken in France - where fronting a band, meeting icons such as The deprived areas the American SATs and they were used to determine which Darkness and Gary Numan and frequent- found that whilst only one of them children were “mentally inadequate” ing the Met Bar with Marilyn Manson, all had the sufficient A-level grades for - do they have any future? This week failed to persuade Laura-Jane to leave Oxbridge, thirty showed the necessary a number of UK universities, includ- Cambridge behind and try to make it as a level of intelligence to get into the Ivy ing Cambridge, announced that they rock star. With plans of becoming either a League. So what about us – are we would be introducing an ‘Academic barrister or writer after she completes her intelligent or are we just book smart? potential test’ for law applicants. The degree in History of Art, LJ believes that Are American Universities full of the soon due Schwarz inquiry into high- the “fake” experience of Faking It has under-qualified? Or are some of er education could come out in “absolutely not changed me at all”. Britain’s top Universities turning down favour of a UK Scholastic Aptitude Despite rumours of an appearance on some of Britain’s brightest? test being introduced – widening the Richard and Judy and her face in most of the To try and answer the question of scope of university selection, whilst magazines in Borders, LJ has not allowed whether Cambridge students are it may not be an IQ test they would the fame to go to her head. She maintains ‘intelligent’ or just ‘smart’, an undoubtedly share many characteris- that “the adverts are the most exciting bit – Engineer, a Lawyer, a NatSci and a tics. The only question is: Will there I keep squealing when they come on!”Tune Historian conducted a highly unscien- be any NatScis left? in next week to see whether LJ can fake it. 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n 1987, at the Conservative Party between right-wing hardliners and religious children from the worst form of sex educa- blood service refuses to accept blood dona- Conference, Margaret Thatcher leaders, most notably Dr George Carey, the tion.” tions from homosexual men, even those in Iannounced what was going to become then Archbishop of Canterbury. The repeal was successful, however, and monogamous relationships or those who one of the most hated pieces of legislation In July 2003, a second attempt at repeal came into force in November of that year. Ben have tested negative for HIV. In contrast, a in modern history: Section 28. of the law was more successful, despite once Summerskill, the chief executive of Stonewall, heterosexual male who has had many part- In her now infamous speech, she stated again meeting strong resistance in the called the it “a triumph for 21st Century tol- ners, not practised safe sex or had an HIV that children were being brought up to Second Chamber. Baroness Blatch, who erance over 19th century prejudice.” test may still donate. believe that they had “an inalienable right fought against the repeal, described her Massive prejudice against homosexuals Following the repeal, certain county coun- to be gay”, when they needed to be taught campaign as “a simple mission to protect remain,evenpost- Section 28. The national cils have threatened, and in the case of Kent, “traditional moral values”. actually introduced their own versions of Section 28 prohibited local authorities Massive preju- Section 28 into local legislation and in so from promoting teaching in schools that dice against doing they continue to deny important homosexuality was acceptable and decreed homosexuals information and guidance to a significant that they must not intentionally promote Having a proportion of their young population. homosexuality or publish material which remains, even This week is CUSU LBG Awareness encouraged it. post-Section 28 Week, which aims to raise awareness about Although there has never been a case of issues which are relevant to LBGT stu- prosecution under Section 28, it has caused LBGay ol’ time... dents. The CUSU Attitudes to Sexuality immense difficulty for a generation of survey revealed that 20% of LBGT stu- young gays and lesbians and hugely dam- dents have experienced a negative reaction aged progress towards equality. in coming out here. Only one in three of The arrival in May 1997 of the Labour Ainsley Mayhew Seers the LBGT people who completed the sur- government offered a hope to get rid of the vey said that they felt able to be completely legislation. The first attempt from Labour open to everyone about their sexuality. Is to repeal Section 28, however, was thwart- this 21st century equality? ed in the Tory stronghold of the House of on the quest for equality Lords by a distinctly unholy alliance www.awarenessweek.com.

“Coming out in Cambridge was the best thing I did...”

oming out at university took me efore writing this piece, I was only about a year in all, and I think out to a handful of people; as a girl Cmost people I know still don’t Bwith a fairly long-term boyfriend, know – though the information is ‘public’ it’s easy to be an invisible bisexual. as far as I’m concerned. To me, being bi isn’t an issue. But com- It is difficult to do and very scary but ing out is. In the liberal haven that is was definitely the best thing I could have Cambridge University, I know it’s unlike- done. I haven’t had a single bad reaction ly that many people are going to care that from people that I have told or who found I’m bi. The fact remains, however, that if out – in fact it reached a stage where Writing this in I want them to know I have to take the friends would covertly discuss which of Varsity is trouble to tell them. them might be subconsciously a bit Telling people requires hassle way homophobic! possibly an above the actual importance of my sexu- With some people I feel it’s not appro- extreme way ality (there are lots of people to tell, and priate to let anything slip and I don’t know of coming out you can never certain how somebody will if that’s more to do with them or me. react). I’m not interested in coming out Outside the Cambridge bubble I think and living an exciting, new “bisexual there is a much more prejudiced world for lifestyle” – whatever that may be – I just homosexuals, but things are changing. want to carry on as before, with people At uni being gay doesn’t really feel like knowing a little more about me. an issue. You also tend to get a bit more Writing this in Varsity is possibly an attention from women…that’s not really a extreme way of achieving this goal and problem but if other guys don’t know it it’s certainly not a fuss-free method. But makes me look like some sort of babe maybe it gives some insight into what it’s magnet. Maybe gay men are just better like for one LBG person in Cambridge looking... today. George Harad Katie Birkwood Varsity drinking: dark blues victorioush Joseph Heaven looks to Cambridge to overturn Oxford’s drinking record held by...the former Australian Prime Minister

Two-and-a-half pints. Twelve seconds. drink two and a half pints...in less than in two seconds. Six seconds. Eight sec- Gulp. twenty-five seconds. Failure to do so onds. The bulb drains and the last drops Varsity is sorry to report that dark blues involved paying for the first drink, plus rush down towards the open jaws. have retained the the upper hand when it another two and a half pints...I was too Stop. Pause - everyone pauses. Peter comes to finishing-up after formal hall. In broke for the fine and necessity became the sways slightly. 12.06 seconds. Add the 1955 25-year-old Robert Hawke knocked mother of ingestion. I downed the contents of fact that he had a pint beforehand. No back 2.5 pints of ale in a record time at the pot in eleven seconds...and entered the wonder he is the King’s Street Run cham- University College, Oxford, entered the Guniness Book of Records. This feat was to pion. record books and has remained there since. endear me to some of my fellow Australians It was a second shy of the marker set The Australian, a winner of a Rhodes more than anything else I ever achieved.” 49 years ago, but this was Wednesday Scholarship, entered politics 25 years evening. Bob Hawke’s student accom- later. He quickly climbed the ladder and Varsity went in search of a Cambridge plishment might have helped him become went on to lead the Australian Labour man to meet the challenge. On the wall prime minister of Australia in 1983, bod- party to four consecutive general election of the Hawk’s club bar is a declaration ing well for Peter should he decide to go victories, serving as prime minster from that a Peter Davidson finished a yard of for the Aussie premiership. 1983-91. Budding Union hacks take note: ale in 12 seconds, a mere second off Peter’s feat sets a benchmark for this time devoted to the chamber might be Hawk’s stunning record. Varsity traced generation of Oxbridge students, but better spent in the bar. the 19-year-old mathmo in question to sadly his only reward was the price of the Hawke recalls the event in an extract from see some evidence. yard. He is still some way off the pace his autobiography, “The Hawke Memoirs”: Peter poses at Sidney bar for the cam- though - the last world record for beer- eras, with the amber yard held in front of drinking was set in 1977 by American “A system operated at dinner under which him. Moments later he is focused...GO! Steven Petrosino at 1 litre in 1.3 seconds. if an offence was committed...[one had] to The top third of the yard disappears with- Peter Davidson OPINION www.varsity.co.uk Feb 06, 2004 07

delayed until graduates were earning over results, and that it could and should be £15,000 were the main points. I issued a adjusted if the results fall short of our goals. cautious press notice to welcome the Bill Shortly after the Bill’s publication, I Prof.Alison but emphasised my continuing concerns went on the BBC Radio 4 Today pro- over access. The national debate contin- gramme to explain why I felt the Bill was Richard ued to rage. fair, and why it would be a grave matter if he Cambridge University Students’ Union had long made Excellence and access: THE UNIVERSITY’S CHIEF OUTLINES Tclear their opposition to the These were my goals HER VIEWS ON TOP-UP FEES notion of any fees at all. My understand- ing is that they fear that the new scheme from the start would create an unfair ‘market’, while failing to tackle the funding deficit. rom the time it was announced up to £3,000; fees to be paid by a loan, CUSU have argued that the Government it failed. There was no plan B, as far as I that I was to become Vice- repayable after a student was earning over would sooner or later have to remove the could tell, and it was an important ele- FChancellor of Cambridge £15,000; and later the Government fee cap and then institutions like ment in what must be a broader strategy University, in December 2002, the ques- announced that maintenance grants of Cambridge would be able to charge high- to rescue higher education from the tion most frequently put to me by the £1,000 were to be reintroduced. er and higher fees; and in so doing firmly threat of mediocrity. Two weeks later, at press was: “What do you think about Through the spring and summer last close the door to anyone not from a a conference hosted by the Chancellor of ‘top-up’ fees?” It was on everyone’s year, the most important thing was for wealthy background. the Exchequer, my fellow panellists and I mind because the Government was the University to stand by the existing Others felt that the Bill did not go far focused on the contributions of higher expected to publish a White Paper on bursary scheme, and explore ways of enough with respect to the proposed level education to the economy. Figures from the future of higher education any day. strengthening it further, demonstrating of fees. How would the University bridge the OECD that week underlined the Frustration and desperation were being that our commitment to access was real the current under funding of teaching, clear need for far greater public sector voiced more loudly and more often by the and backed up with solid figures. A joint estimated at around £24 million, let alone investment in higher education in the UK university community as well as by committee of the Colleges, the central muster the resources to invest in new ini- UK. This reinforced the fact that propos- influential public commentators. The University bodies, and the Newton Trust, tiatives, with a scheme that would only als in the HE Bill are only part of the precise size of the funding deficit could rolled up their sleeves and set to work. bring £20 million into the university and solution for the present under funding. put £8 million of that into bursaries? n the day of the vote, 74 Vice- During January, I spoke Chancellors, myself among and wrote about the Bill on Othem, signed a letter to the a number of occasions. I Guardian in support of the Bill. Only a Vice-Chancellor: “All expressed my belief that its very small handful of Vice-Chancellors options gave universities a opposed it. They are not alone course, sound way of introducing a and opponents of the HE Bill continue to new income stream, and campaign vigorously against it. that it was fairer for gradu- I listen to their arguments but I do not ates to pay back a propor- find myself convinced. I simply do not I can say is that the tion of the cost of their believe that the defeat of this bill would study when earning, than to result in a fairer world, and it certainly charge everyone higher would not improve the critical situation taxes. The amnesty after 25 now faced by universities. Universities years to wipe away all need more support, and I believe that the tuition fees and the increase Bill is a fair step toward that goal. of the maintenance grant The vote squeaked through. The Bill has my support” were also welcome. University Council have published a fur- Alongside Cambridge’s ther Notice in the Reporter extending own bursary initiative, stu- their support for the idea of higher fees, be argued about, but everyone agreed that On November 26, 2003, this all came dents from the poorest families could while fully recognising that the level of universities were massively under-funded. together in a Notice from the University receive more support coming to Cambridge fees charged at Cambridge – and they The fear for the long term was that a uni- Council to the Regent House, which not with the proposed Bill in place than they do already vary widely in different parts of versity system chronically squeezed for only described the proposed expansion of today. I expressed hope, too, that by taper- the institution – is set by the Regent resources, with little or no real increase in Cambridge’s current bursary scheme but gave ing bursaries to address some of the needs House. We now await the committee academic salaries for decades, would preliminary support to the idea of higher fees. Cambridge students of students who might otherwise fall into stage and the third reading of the Bill. make an academic career less and less came out in force to the ‘poverty gap’, we would be reaching out Nothing is definite, nothing is sure. All I attractive to the brightest and best uni- he next day, we set out our pro- campaign against to a wide range of students and not just the can say is that the Bill has my support. versity graduates. It was becoming more posals to the national press. government plans very poorest. But I was emphatic that a difficult to recruit and retain outstanding TThe total ‘package’ would cost for variable fees good bursary system must be judged by its scholars and scientists amidst the global the University about £8 million. But its competition for talent. real value was better explained in terms of Cambridge had withstood many of what it would do for individual students. these trends better than most UK universi- A student at Cambridge coming from a ties. Still, the 2002 budget deficit, which family earning less than £15,000 a year led to a freeze on staff recruitment, had would receive a £4,000 bursary from the reverberated around the institution, bring- University, in addition to the then £1,000 ing the community face-to-face with the maintenance grant promised by the fact that this was no accounting chimera. Government. Moreover, students from It was real, and affecting everyone. any family earning up to £35,000 would receive a tapered proportion of this amount. Cambridge was the first univer- sity to announce a bursary scheme of this I simply do not believe scope, focusing not just on fees but the that the defeat of this total cost of education. Towards the end of November, togeth- Bill would result in a er with the Heads of University College London, Imperial College, London, the fairer world London School of Economics, and the Universities of Oxford and Cambridge, I wrote to The Times setting out our sup- port in principle for the new proposals. When asked about university funding, But we tempered our support with con- I made it very clear that my goal was to cerns that universities must be open to all keep Cambridge among the world’s top- students capable of benefiting regardless ranked universities, and that this was a of their financial means, and emphasised costly undertaking for which we lacked that this was only possible if universities adequate resources. I made it equally were well funded. Further, this should be clear that, whatever the path ahead, we a matter for the universities to manage, must continue to widen access to and not for the Government to impose. Cambridge for talented students from all On January 8, 2004, the HE Bill was backgrounds. Excellence and access: published, and we finally saw the full pro- these were my goals from the start. posals. The end of up-front fees; the In January 2003, the White Paper was introduction of capped fees of £3,000; published. Although details were limited, student loans without interest; fee remis- it became clear that the Government was sion worth £1,200 a year; maintenance proposing a new system with fees variable grants of £1,500; and student repayments INTERVIEWS 08 Feb 6, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

sticking two fingers up to both of them.” “Cambridge actors need to learn to “We do live in exciting times,” he reas- transfer that which is purely intellectual sures me, describing how “when the into other more animal impulses.” National Theatre was founded, it was He smiles, aware that he is in danger founded for a Nation that was much of being patronising, but continues any- more certain about what it was at a time way. “It’s good to come out from when the theatre was much more con- Cambridge realising how little you scious of what it was.” He condemns the know… ideas are never a problem, and tesy of Nicholas Hytner 1963 founding of the National for its Cambridge students will always be able

Cour unpleasant imperial outlook, imperson- to pull a text apart, but I do see a kind of ating his favourite character, “the dislocation between the way they talk Telegraph colonel”: “a great country and the way they act.” Life is primarily wanted a national theatre which was the black and white for him, and until we guardian of the great flame of the great have established this, then subtlety is national tradition and would only stage useless. approved versions of the approved reper- Hytner keeps neat. He presents a thor- toire.” oughly professional, metropolitan look; Conversely, today, when we talk about an air of tidiness. Presentation is all- the “nation and the theatre, we are talk- important to him; he is renowned for his ing about concepts fraught with ambigu- particularity in the way a theatre space ity and which beg all sorts of questions.” looks, from the colour of a safety curtain In 1963, the concept of nationalism to his characteristically elaborate sets. held far more of a consensus. Today then, “Have you stopped enjoying it yet?” a “we should be constantly exploring and journalist asked him recently. “It is really

“If the BBC has its balls cut off, then it puts pressure on all other national intstitutions to be increasingly sceptical of this authoritarian brand of control freaks who we find ourselves subject to”

reflecting what national means; and hard,” he admits, for “if we had a run of holding a mirror up to all sorts of differ- disasters we would go under,” and it is ent colonies and interlocking communi- “difficult not to let this obstruct your ties; we are forced to be more aware of artistic integrity.” Most importantly, the our international context and alert to box office is an ever-present barrier to forms of theatre other than our literary achieving his greatest ambition; to make tradition.” the theatre accessible to all. On a practi- But can the theatre really change soci- cal level, “our standard audience will all ety? “No; but it can make people angry, be dead in forty years,” he jokes, but on a and that’s enough.’ ‘The theatre on its more serious level, he often recalls how own can’t and doesn’t change society, Peter Brook prophesises 20 years ago but, plays can define a moment. The that “the future of theatre lies in cheap Marriage of Figaro did seem to predict a seats.” He now religiously keeps to this revolution, but I doubt it sent anybody agenda, and has found it the most satis- onto the streets. What theatre does is to fying aspect of his time at the National have a loud and articulate voice in a con- so far. stant, provocative debate. It would take “I was really delighted with the £10 too long to change society, but I want to system, firstly because everyone really be part of the agenda.” He cites an area rose to spending less, and the shows of social change where the arts have remained exciting, fresh, fast, punchy, actively encouraged liberalisation - an entertaining and provocative,” he recalls area very personal to him - his sexuality. like a proud father, “and because the “It has been really important that men shows were better for the context that have kissed men and women have kissed they were in and the audiences were bet- women on stage…now black playwrights ter, because they were less adjusted to must find a louder voice.” seeing theatre and so more responsive to Hytner talks in simple, absolute oppo- it.” Hytner’s shows always achieve recog- sites. Things are clearly “loud” or “quiet,” nition; they have a quality to them that “right” or “wrong” for him. This is a phi- mirrors his directing technique in that losophy that he transfers to his directing they are always explosive, or deflated; a Hytner makes method, and a technique that he recog- saccharine overload or a bitter aftertaste. nised a lack of in his time at Cambridge. “Success can always be measured in two “Cambridge directors talk too much” and words,” he laughs. it matter James Dacre hears why NIcholas Hytner and his National Theatre are important.

n a week that has seen seriously dis- gramme of ‘seats for all,’ he quickly ability imposed upon the equality of achieved notoriety from his revision of Ilearning and the freedom of the every aspect of the theatre’s workings. press, Nicholas Hytner is very aware of Making his name on the back of a long a need to set an agenda of political list of Shakespeares, he has also worked “Cambridge activism on the British stage. “If the in film, directing The Madness of King directors talk BBC has its balls cut off, then it puts George, The Object of My Affection and too much” pressure on all other national institu- The Crucible. tions to be increasingly sceptical of this Hytner is fond of description, and he authoritarian brand of control freaks describes the ideal qualities of the

who we find ourselves subject to,” he National through a series of long, per- e tells me passionately. fectly delivered lists. “Loud, disreputable, Nicholas Hytner is the fiery new direc- investigative, inspirational and humane,’” tor of the National Theatre and he wants he finishes. “Our National Theatre has to make it matter. Virtuous for the visu- always been on the bank of the Thames, ally spectacular, the strikingly relevant and from the 1580s onwards it has and a refreshingly progressive pro- looked towards Parliament and St. Paul’s, National Theatr His Dark Materials -Hytner’s latest production NEWS REVIEW www.varsity.co.uk Feb 06, 2004 09 I’m Stupid... Get Me Out of Here Once we ruled the globe but now we just fill up the world’s prisons

n Friday, Alan Kiernan, a thirty-five the death penalty, the drug smuggler’s response which will be used as evidence against her in her year old from Southampton, attempted was blithely philosophical: “Shit happens”. trial next month. Kaur confused journalists with Loser Oto smuggle £70,000 worth of ecstasy Claims that Kiernan is a Camus-esque existen- the bizarre mathematical deduction that she is into Thailand. Custom-made panels in his tialist have been somewhat undermined by his only “45% responsible for what happened.” That trousers allowed Kiernan to safely navigate no later confession that he had taken some of the could leave 5% responsibility for her uncle, aunt, of the less than eight customs checks before walking, pills before being caught. and cousin, who all assisted the serial bigamist, unchallenged, out of Bangkok airport. Kiernan’s strange mix of criminal proficiency and 50% responsibility to be shared among the So far, so good? But Kiernan’s doom lay not so men whom she married, although this figure week far away. While phoning his contact in order to I am only 45% responsible for could range from fourteen to twenty-two. hand over the drugs, an error of schoolboy pro- Alan Kiernan portions was made. No doubt hot and relieved what happened n case real life does not provide enough stories after a perilous journey, Kiernan went to a park of the British pursuing their strange ambi- He made his way through customs and took off his shirt. Unfortunately for Kiernan, and stupidity on a grand scale is not dissimilar to Itions abroad, ITV has thoughtfully produced with £70,000 worth of ecstasy. And although shirtless sunworship is a traditional and the bizarre story of Glaswegian Jaswinder Kaur, another season of its hit TV show, “I’m a then got arrested for taking off his mostly innocent habit of the British male tourist, who is presently being held in a Punjabi prison. Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here”. The main gos- shirt. such nudity has been outlawed in Thailand. The twenty-eight year old has been charged with sip from the jungle this week has focussed on the Kiernan was immediately arrested by a local marrying fourteen men over a two year period. budding relationship between Jordan and Peter policeman who was wandering in the park. In no Each unlucky husband paid around £8,000, a fee Andre. The tanned, hip-swinging crooner Andre and cuddle. There’s no harm in that.” Well Peter, time at all the drugs were discovered. seemingly justified by the guarantee of a life in has fallen for the not so “mysterious girl”, Jordan, you’re right, there would be no harm in that were At a press conference, Kiernan surprised jour- Britain and a British passport. Her big mistake and left no doubt that he wanted to get close to it not for Jordan’s boyfriend, Scott Sullivan, who nalists with his carefree attitude; even when faced may have been sentimentally holding on to photo her when he pleaded, “There has to be one night said, “I’ll be on the next plane out and I’m going with the possibility of long-term imprisonment or albums and videos of some of the weddings, while we’re here when we can just cuddle - sleep to punch his lights out.” Some like 10 Downhill St

he Hutton inquiry may have cleared Blair of responsibility for the death of it human TDr David Kelly and the alleged “sexing up” of the Iraq weapons dossier, but the issues it left unresolved are just not going away. ne of the most absorbing trials of recent Despite statements from America and times reached its conclusion last Friday Whitehall arguing that Iraq is a better place Owhen Armin Meiwes, the well-man- without Saddam, the war was justified on one nered German cannibal, was sentenced to eight main argument – that due to his arsenal of and a half years in prison for manslaughter. weapons of mass destruction (WMD) he was a The details of the case were uncontested. danger to the international community. In Meiwes put an advert on the internet urging any- March 2003, Blair responded to sceptics in stri- one who wanted to be eaten to get in touch. dent terms: “We are asked now seriously to Bernd-Jurgen Brandes, aged 43, replied, and the accept that in the last few years - contrary to all two met. Meiwes cut off his willing victim’s penis, history, contrary to all intelligence - Saddam which he then flambéed and served up as dinner decided unilaterally to destroy those weapons. I for two. Unfortunately, as Brandes felt slightly say that such a claim is palpably absurd.” weak by this point, his genitalia proved a little too But after a lot of looking, the weapons have tough to chew. The final stage of the enterprise not been found. When David Kay, the former involved killing Brandes, cutting him up, and put- US chief weapons inspector, said last week that “it turns out we were all wrong”, he confirmed Cannibalism is not illegal in what many observers were coming to believe – that Iraq’s supposed deadly arsenal simply did Germany not exist. On Monday President Bush announced the ting him in the freezer. All of this was videotaped, setting up of an inquiry into the intelligence which made the trial, if not the jurors’ stomachs, which indicated that WMD existed in Iraq, run more smoothly. saying, “I want to know all the facts”. Britain is Although the case seemed cut and dried, legal once again following America’s lead, and a five- peculiarities made the exact crime difficult to person inquiry has also been set up here. determine. Cannibalism is not illegal in Germany, The Lib Dems are boycotting the inquiry due and the defence argued that the consensual nature Alexia Pinchbeck to what they see as its far too narrow scope. of the events meant that Meiwes could only be Despite all the peripheral investigations, what sentenced for illegal euthanasia. The star defence It’s a jungle out there...why can’t they just stay at home? there will not be, at least while Blair remains in witness was a Londoner who willingly reached charge, is an inquiry into the real reasons for the stage of being chained to a bed and marked up going to war – the decision to follow America’s for slaughter before changing his mind; Meiwes lead, the apparent way in which the decision to happily released him. invade Iraq was made before the weapons intel- The prosecution is appealing for a sterner sen- ligence dossier was complete, and the govern- tence, realising that the debonair gastronome Pachyderm F.C. ment’s alleged efforts to ‘spin’ the issues to Meiwes, remarkable in the courtroom for his make Saddam seem more of an immediate politeness and charm, could be released early for threat. For, at the bottom of all of the investiga- good behaviour in 2008. Giving the elephants some extra time tions, past and future, is the nagging question of whether the war, billed as a last resort, was ever ast week thousands of Assam and neighbouring animal’s natural habitat. really necessary. fans watched an unusu- Meghalaya in the past two Others have blamed it on Meanwhile, The Sun reports that Blair and Winner Lal game of football years, villagers have killed up drunkenness. Last month, four Bush have been nominated for the Nobel Peace involving almost a hundred to 200 elephants in retaliation. elephants drunk on rice beer Prize by a right-wing Norwegian politician. of the elephants. The game was State forest minister Pradyut electrocuted themselves after The Prize results will be announced on 10 part of an annual event in the Bordoloi told news agencies he striking down an electric pole December, and a Blair-Bush victory against fel- Kaziranga National Park in was hopeful that the football in the state of Meghalaya. low nominees such as the Pope would be a week India, aimed at encouraging match would raise awareness “The elephants, after getting huge, if unexpected, coup for the the prime locals to protect the animals. and encourage local inhabi- high on rice beer, went berserk minister and the president. That is, assuming Cannibal Meiwes Whether the elephants won tants to accept the needs of the and started dashing against an they’re still in power by the end of 2004. the match is not clear, but it many elephant herds that electric pole,” the forest offi- He cut off a man’s penis, ate it, would seem that outside the dwell in the state. cial said. killed him and put him in a football pitch the elephants are Experts have attributed the Elephants playing football, freezer. He’ll probably be out definitely on the losing side. increase in elephant attacks on getting drunk… next week, Contributors: Ollie Rickman of prison in just 4 years. Whilst elephants have killed at the growth of elephant num- elephants in Britney sex romp Esther Bintliff least 150 people in the state of bers and the devastation of the scandal. Watch this space kids. Laura Caplin

EDITORIAL 10 Feb 06, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk A Prayer for CICCU

This week’s coinciding awareness weeks have done more than draw attention to the existence of Christians and Homosexuals in the Cambridge University community. We have always been ‘aware’ of societies like CICCU and LBG, but did we always accept the right of equality in free speech, for all groups?

We live in a nominally Protestant country and many of the College’s traditions evoke this tradition, grace at formal halls for example, but does this basis give Christian groups greater or less freedom to express their beliefs? It seems the claims some students have made to CUSU this week, of ‘pushy’ or deliber- ately homophobic targeting, can be taken in two ways. Either some members of CICCU believe so strongly in their message that they broke ‘acceptable’ limits of public persuasion, or the student audience they were trying to reach were not prepared to listen without prejudice. The Bible does state that the sexually immoral are excluded from the Kingdom of God, it is a ‘fact’ of The Word, but understandably, homosexuals can take offence at being told they are going to Hell. Does it matter though? This is just one opinion, which a non-believer should be able to shrug-off. Is it insulting to be told by a Buddhist you’ll be re- incarnated as a snail? If you don’t believe in either event, where is the problem?

The Christian message sinks deeper, perhaps because Christianity is part of our national inheritance. It seems we has become intensely aware of not offending some groups, while we retain an ignorant liberality in the condemnation of others. It is unacceptable to be racist, sexist or talk about ‘puffs’ and ‘queers’ in general conversation. It’s fine, however, to talk about ‘Bible Bashers’ and ‘the God-squad’ in front of Christian. We embrace the multi-cultural and sexually liberated according to the ‘open- minded’ society we live in, yet Christianity is often negatively presupposed to be something different and unacceptable. Although we like to think we are accepting of diversity in the University, maybe we should reconsider. Do we really give every one an equal chance to have their say?

Testing times The Week in Words “I somehow feel I am not being entirely persuasive in certain Sick of being tested? Well we have Darwin’s cousin to quarters.” “The growing number of candidates with top scores at thank for that. The IQ test is one hundred years old and GCSE and A level has made it increasingly difficult for the in those years there has been a major shift in the amount Blair shouting over the heckles of protestors at a Common’s most competitive law schools in the country to rank their of testing and examining of the nation’s youth. debate this week. It was rumoured that some Cantabs were applicants satisfactorily,” amongst those who caused the session to be suspended for Today we live in a society where young people are con- the first time since 1987. A spokesman explaining why university applicants for Law tinually measured and assessed solely by their scores in tests. Futures are being decided on three hours or less. will have to undertake an entry exam. Cambridge will The news that admissions tutors in Law will expect their “The public’s choices for Greatest Disabled Briton show that expect prospective students to take this course. applicants to take an “academic potential test” is terrible. disability is certainly no barrier to greatness” An Oxbridge candidate should be judged on more than this. Yes, the best brains should be offered places but A spokesman this week following the news that Professor “The most perilous part of the journey was negotiating the admission tutors need to view students holistically. The Stephen Hawking was voted Greatest Disabled Briton. icy roads of Cambridge at the start from the police station best brains with the best talents musically, artistically, to the railway station” sporting and otherwise make this University the great “Three Union Presidents at the LesBiGay launch party. Since place it is to be. And we hope that this doesn’t change in when did we become part of the Cambridge establishment? Joe Fisher who travelled over 6,000 miles to Japan for the the next hundred years. Rag Jailbreak challenge An over-heard comment from an impressed LBG

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sense of arrogance it instils in its beneficiaries. At its highest point of evolution, there is There’s all the money and the world-class aca- absolutely no discernable relationship Ellen E. demics and so on, but at root, what’s so great between self-image and how we appear to oth- about a Cambridge education is that we ers. If we must connect the two, then it should believe it’s so great. To that end, massive at least be a relationship of inverse proportion. Jones amounts of time and money are spent on self- Being attractive and aware of it is one thing, congratulatory ceremonies and firework dis- but to be decidedly average and equally assured of your own powers of attraction is a whole leap forward in our collective battle. LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR? And in any case, arrogance is so much more Modesty is not charming when it’s unwarranted. I’D RATHER LOVE MYSELF Modesty, like its equally irritating sister, self-deprecation, is supposed to suggest a Arrogance can begin innocently enough. At ing to the South American dictatorship system healthy “What? This old thing!” humility. But first it’s just a long-running joke with yourself, - that is, guilty until proven innocent. the best policy more often than not, it actually hides the a kind of ironic self-deprecation, but if you go Occasionally, of course, some killjoy playa- secret belief that your talents are so blindingly on about how great you are for long enough, hater will holler “Oi fatty! You can’t wear a skirt plays where we can pat each other on the back, glorious and utterly unmitigated by any per- sooner or later you’ll start believing it. And like that with your arse!” or “Gerr off! Ive got a form mutual self-appreciation societies and sonal failings that, in consideration of your that’s when the fun really starts. girlfriend!” But, remember, this is only a minor insist that no one anywhere else in the world is audience, you couldn’t possibly say them I’m not talking about some wussy, half-arsed set-back on the path to enlightenment. doing (or ever has done) anything of any intel- aloud without qualification. People might Oprah Winfrey-inspired notion of self-esteem. The best thing about being a paid-up, card- lectual significance at all. pass out, or something. What I’m suggesting is far more radical. Adopt carrying member of the truly deluded is the Credit where credit’s due. In a thousand Even if, through some tragic combination of rampant self-love as your every-day, all-pur- wonderful feeling of serenity it brings. I Adopt rampant self- years of perfecting an education system, some poor parenting and unflattering lighting, you pose, default mode of interaction with the begrudge no-one their success. Go on, write love as your default renegade monk or free-thinking don must have escaped adolescence and yet retained a world. Go on, start today. another best-selling novel before you’re twenty- mode of interaction surely have noticed that that the principle out- genuinely low opinion of yourself, modesty is A simple activity like walking into a crowd- one, why don’t you. Get a modelling contract come of combining farcically long reading lists still best avoided, if only on purely pragmatic ed room becomes a treat once you’ve convinced and a first class degree from Cambridge - in the with weekly one-on-one supervisions is not to grounds. Because the best way to avoid the yourself that everyone in that room is desperate immortal words of Cheryl from Girls Aloud – alchemically convert the average public-school massive time-waste of self-absorption is not to sleep with you. It’s like the public-speaking Bovvered?! I just happen to be great anyway, dote into a genius, but rather to cultivate the through making a thorough inventory of your technique of imagining your audience in their without having done anything of any note, ever. art of authoritative bullshitting in us all. Since failings, or belittling the compliments you underwear, except, well…in reverse. The Laws And it works just as well for institutions as the alternative is to doubt the forethought of receive. The best (and only) way to avoid self- of Attraction are manifestly unjust, so when it it does for individuals. Those trying to work history’s finest minds, we can only conclude absorption is to wake up one morning, decide comes to divining whether or not others find out what’s so special about a Cambridge edu- that, in their infinite wisdom, this was the you’re bloody great and then get on with some- you attractive, you might as well work accord- cation, need look no further than the amazing intention all along. thing more interesting.

Letters should be submitted no later than midnight on Wednesday, and be as concise as possible. The editors reserve the right to edit all copy. Write to: Archie Letters [email protected] Bland opposition”. In light of the Hutton Inquiry and the Geographers still thick top-up fees vote, the debate could not have come at a better time. Dear Editor, This government continues to disappoint. The gap between rich and poor grows wider; on Higher EVEN CICCU IS SELLING In response to the plea from the first year geographers Education and foundation hospitals their inadequate ITSELF THESE DAYS I have a number of points that I feel ought to be driv- proposals are at best conservative, at worst en home (preferably with a nice big crayola marker). Thatcherite; while our civil liberties continue to be I am homophobic, it turns out. Who knew? women, to say nothing of sexual and ethnic First of all, yes, yes you are a minority subject. That is undermined by a Home Secretary who insists on Still, there it is, in black and white, on the flyer minorities, would be wilfully absurd. But the the very reason that the future of your subject is in pandering to the Daily Mail. I just threw in the bin: Throw This Away If entirely justified concerns of pressure groups doubt. I mean the fact that you are scientists would The Conservative opposition, led by the back- You Are Homophobic. And I just threw it like these will be lost in a rhetorical quagmire have led me to believe that you were pretty handy ward-looking and reactionary Michael Howard, is no away, obviously. if such hysterical claptrap is allowed to dom- with figures but apparently not. Secondly, I find the better. At last week’s debate, they offered up Andrew Shock tactics like this are silly. Granted, they inate debate, and the real issues will be much logic of something being both interdisciplinary and a Rosindell, MP for Romford, a man who is pro-hang- make sure that vicious haters like me don’t get less likely to be taken seriously. separate discipline in it’s own right somewhat confusing ing, pro-flogging, pro-firearms, anti-asylum & anti- away with it. Generally, though, they irritate LesBiGay might – whisper it – learn some- and probably more accurately, quite simply balderdash. abortion. He is an exemplar of a party that is intel- people, combining as they do the standard pain thing from the Christian Union. Arguably Either it is or it isn’t, make up your mind. lectually bankcrupt, out of touch and unfit to gov- in the arse of your average flyer with – bonus – the only one of these organizations which has Finally, GET A GRIP PEOPLE - in all fairness you ern. unwarranted personal abuse. The CUSU learned that alienation (sorry, a Hard Hitting don’t have a hard ride anything like say your average At the next general election, David Howarth, a Women’s Union publiciy of last term strike a Message) is rarely an effective advertising SPS (‘stupid posh and stoned’), English (‘lazy and Fellow of Clare College and ex-leader of the City similar note. They hoped to inform us why a strategy, CICCU instead runs nebulous cam- messy or so far up their own arse they can see the stars’) Council, will be fighting to unseat Anne Campbell Women’s Union is an important thing, which, paigns which seize an attractive concept – like or, God help them, Law (‘groinspawn of Satan’) stu- and represent the students of this constituency. In apparently, is not only dents do. I mean if the worst thing you are being Cambridge, the Liberal Democrats are the effective because we need to fight accused off is a penchant for colouring in (I am sure in opposition; the Tories lie in a distant third place. I institutional, academically immense detail) maps which you have painstakingly hope you will all join me in voting Liberal at the next manifested, sexism at Don’t read this had to research and create in the first place then you are election and in ridding this constituency of one more Cambridge, but also, accord- not doing too badly. In short, wise up and stop whing- distinctly disappointing Blairite. ing to the inside back cover ing, I mean, think of the land economists, just think of the Women’s Handbook, about them. Yours, because ‘if we raise our voices if you’re a loser Ben Ramm, we’re nagging bitches’ and Yours, St. Catherine’s College because ‘we still can’t get adequate safe contra- The Promise – and load it with religious sig- Colm McGrath, Chair, Cambridge Student Liberal Democrats. ceptives but men can walk on the moon.’ And nificance. You could be forgiven for thinking for ‘lots and lots of other reasons,’ some of the previous CICCU ‘main events’ were ITV The Scrabble debate which, I hope, would make more sense to me. Drama Premieres: Transmission! Freedom! Sells’ unholy tackle This is good copy, obviously, and someone at Revelation! Witness! And, best of all – it CUSU Women’s Union has a career in advertis- makes me think of Top Gear, for some reason: Dear Editor, Dear Editor, ing in her sights - but it’s nonsense. To blame Paradigm Shift! NASA for the risks associated with the pill is a It’s working, too. Attendances at this year’s In last week's letters it was claimed that all college I am surprised to learn that Jonny Sells does not pretty extraordinary leap, even by Neil talks have been remarkably high, and it isn’t names would score zero in Scrabble as proper nouns. Of think the chapel choirs of Caius or Trinity are wor- Armstrong’s standards. This is rhetoric, of just a new religious fervour that’s the cause: course this is not the case, as "queens", "downing", thy of a mention when searching for the best in course, and not meant to be taken seriously, and the free sandwiches - which are, I am reliably "trinity" and "kings" would score 15, 12, 10 and 10 Cambridge. Some of those considered are, at best, principally there to attract attention and get informed, excellent - have surely played a respectively and, slightly more tenuously, "maudlin" comparable to Trinity or Caius. people like me to consider the underlying atti- part. Next thing you know the thousandth would score 10 and "keys"would score 11 or, better Maybe Mr Sells reviewed the male voice choirs tudes to which such statements refer; but it’s convert will get a free cassock. still, "quays" would score a whopping 17. first and made a start on the mixed choirs at Clare, empty, meaningless rhetoric, which simply stig- Now, personally, I like my religion austere, Yours smugly, where the choir sang so loudly that he has been ren- matises the vast majority of entirely reasonable and the more flying buttresses the better; but Matt Tointon dered permanently and profoundly deaf and is thus people with an accusation relevant only to a few. you have to admire this canny attempt to ride unable to continue the exercise. I think we should be Of course no-one with any sense should the zeitgeist. At least no-one’s telling me I’m A political letter told. take the side of those apologists who grumble scum. The irony, of course, is that strict about ‘political correctness’ stifling discus- CICCU members believe I’m destined to an Dear Varsity, Yours sincerely, sion: the phrase, as Polly Toynbee remarked, eternity in the fiery pits, whereas the greatest Tom Jackman, has lost all currency, and tends simply to be gripe LesBiGay have with me on a personal Last Thursday, students at the Cambridge Union Trinity College an ‘empty right-wing smear designed only to basis is – well, probably that I think their adver- voted overwhelmingly in favour of a motion propos- elevate its user.’ To deny that this university tising’s hamfisted. Who knew God was such a ing that “the Liberal Democrats are the effective has problems with the advancement of consummate salesman? PAGE FOURTEEN 12 Feb 06, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

The Pained The Socialite The Rugger Intellectual (Latin name Chelsea Superioris) Bugger Conversation with this species (Latin name Poetus Beatnik). is a risky tactic and should be (Latin name Ovallis Ballis)

Oh woe is me” is the lamentful Grace Ofori-Attah attempted only by those with a Loud, lairey and impossible to cry often heard by this tortured sound knowledge of horses and miss, the Rugger Bugger is easily soul who manages to spend all 8 Bond Street shops. Should you be spotted due to the habit on only weeks of term subsisting on coffee successful at negotiating this first wearing items of clothing with so thick it needs to be eaten like hurdle be prepared to apply for a the letter RUFC embroidered yoghurt and strong French ciga- platinum card and drink only in some place on his person. This rettes. Clothing varies from tweed La Raza and Trinity Vaults. particular species hunt in packs at to numerous shades of black, often Conversations normally revolve least twice a week with preferred accompanied by a sample of the around making arduous decisions hunting grounds being either vast array of ridiculous headgear such as whether to spend Ballare or Coco’s. Their mating that peppers the wardrobe of these Christmas on Daddy’s yacht or in call ("Get you tits out, get your pseudo, self-proclaimed intellec- the mountain chalet in an unspoilt tits out, get your tits out for the tuals. When they aren’t reading part of the Alps. It is indeed, as lads") can be heard up to two Dostoyevsky, Kafka or Kerouac they say, a hard life but someone miles away and should give possi- conversation revolves mainly has to live it. Natural habitat: ble victims ample time to make a around Dostoyevsky, Kafka and drinking cocktails in small and swift exit. Their diet consists Kerouac. Knowledge and under- exclusive bars. An extra 10 points solely of protein drinks supple- standing of existentialism is a pre- can be gained by spotting this mented by late-night visits to requisite. Natural habitat: upstairs species at the weekend when they Gardie’s. Natural habitat:in in Café Nero. Most likely to say:“I normally migrate en masse “up to Ballare singing to a Britney feel like I can really relate to London”. Most likely to say: Spears song. Most likely to say: Sartre, but only when I read it in “That dress is fabulous, where is it "Awesome!" Least likely to say: the original French”. Least likely from?” Least likely to say: “That "Just a diet coke for me please, to say: “Let’s get shitted and go to dress is fabulous, where is it I’m watching my figure." Coco’s!” from?” with sincerity. Pianed Intellectual: 20 points

We all remember the I spy books from our childhood that made long The Boatie The Blue motorway journeys fly by oh so slowly, I Spy but they are nothing more than a dis- (Latin name Rowerus Excessivo). (Latin name Cantab Bluvium) tant memory. Not any longer, I have a During Boatie high season Loud, proud, lairey and impos- secret source that reliably informs me this specimen is often spotted sible to miss. Until the 1950’s it they are revamping them for the older three times a week at college was thought that Cantab Bluvium generation and I have obtained a draft breakfast for between 10 and 20 was a sub-species of Ovallis Ballis copy: I-Spy in and around minutes. Mating rituals are con- but the pioneering work carried Cambridge Cambridge. See how you get on! fusing to those who believe a out by Witson and Crack "2K split" is an ailment requir- destroyed this theory and The ing a visit to Addenbrookes but Blue was assigned to its own Extra points can be gained for spot- Any compsci without translucent Someone standing in a punt going careful observation can reveal species. Nature has dealt The ting the following: skin: 40 points round in circles: 10 points much about this elusive speci- Blue a cruel hand in terms of men. Beware: do not, under any camouflage (neon blue blazer and “Anarchist” with public school A professor walking around with Anyone eating Gardies before circumstance, attempt to start a chinos) but their commitment to accent wearing Nike t-shirt: 20 points cycling clips on his trousers: 5 points 11:00pm: 50 points conversation unless you suffer the cause, namely "getting one from acute insomnia and need a over on the Oxford scum", more Anyone reading Socialist Worker in A thesp-type talking about the mer- A fight outside the van of life: 5 rapid cure. Natural habitat:on than makes up for it. Natural Starbucks: 15 points its of David Lynch: 0 points points (50 points if it’s not Saturday) the river or "doing an erg." Most habitat: any place frequented by likely to say: "what’s your 5k the Rugger Bugger. Most likely to A Rugger Bugger “mooning” at a A thesp-type talking about the mer- A student demonstration: 1 point time?" Least likely to say:"I say: "Oxford boo deck him". passing car on his own: 50 points its of Die Hard: 100 points think I’ll have a lie in tomorrow" Least likely to say: "It’s such a Someone punching the fudge man: struggle balancing my sporting More than 5 Rugger Buggers A tramp waiting outside Threshers 1000 points commitments with my land econ- “mooning” at a passing car: 15 points at 10:50am: 20 points omy studies" Lemon and Lime for How D’you Like Those Bananas? new College Names Art world Stunned by a-peel of Fruit In an effort to combat accusations of Gonville and Caius - Bruce Lees It has come to our attention that the front page of last week’s Varsity featured A discovery indeed, this post pre- elitism and public school privilege, Clare - Fred Astair an outstanding piece of conceptual installation art, enigmatically entitled historic, pre-punk pseudo anachronis- Page Fourteen has learned that the Johns - Simon Le Bons “bananas, half-eaten”. Page Fourteen’s art critic has reviewed this phenomenal tic amalgamation of neo-orwellian University is to undergo a rebranding Kings - Lord of the Rings work for your pleasure... ideals provides us with the perfect exercise to make it more attractive to Trinity Hall - Cannon and Ball backdrop for the inevitable discussion the deprived areas of London’s East Queens - Charlie Sheens of racial harmonistic post apocolyptic

End. The University VC has been on Girton - Keep yer shirt on Beth nuclear attitudes of new romantacism. the dog and bone to Red Ken and Catz - Roland Rats The fusionistic juxtapositionist nature come up with these new names for Sidney - Steak and Kidney of the work subsequently reminds the Cambridge’s colleges – so feast your Fitz - Thru’penny bits listening audience of the futility of mince pies on these me lovelies. Trinity - Scum death while the visual stylistic approach shows those watching intently enough to hold on through this voyage through the natural self. Page Fourteen - Let us help This self-effacing work not only pro- vides pornointernational esque titilla- Cambridge is a place full of con- 90% of our material in the first two tion but also shows the sardonic ventions, norms and social practices weeks). aspects of irony that pervade pre-post that can be something of an enigma If you have any questions at all modern outlooks to urban-ruralist to the unsuspecting student, espe- that you would like the self-pro- points of view. cially if they are from the cultural claimed social guru’s Al and Dave desert that is north of the Watford to answer for you (and you don’t We interviewed the creator of this Gap. So, here at Page Fourteen we mind Cambridge-wide ridicule) masterpiece, yet all the elusive genius are keen to help (once again that is then drop us a line to the usual had to say was, "well, I remember hav- a complete lie, but it will use up as address. Anything from punting ing some bananas for lunch but they many words as we care to devote to tips to the correct protocol over weren’t great like so I didn’t finish ‘em. it, especially during the barren peri- scarf wearing. What’s this about art then?" od that we are facing after using His maverick genius requires no Bananas, yesterday, tomorrow, the future? further demonstration. /06/02/04/LISTINGS/ Welcome to Varsity’s Listings pull-out.With our expert’s top recommendations below, Listings is your essential weekly guide to what’s on in Cambridge over the next seven days. FILM LIT MUSIC THEATRE CLASSICAL

The Arts Picturehouse will be Cafe-cum- secondhand book shop, The Boatrace may be dead, but its Out of Orde,rRay Cooney’s tradi- Endellion String Quartet offers a screening two documentaries CB1 will be playing host to the for- spirit lives on in Greenmind pro- tional British farce revolves around treat at West Road this week, in a from the PBS series The Blues, midable poetic talents of scottish motions. Since Greenmind has re- the romantic mishaps of a programme containing Haydn, which lovingly relates the evo- poet, Don Paterson. Last year ‘s cently decamped to APU bar, Conservative MP. While it can Beethoven and Mozart. The froth on lution of blues music since its in- winner of both the T. S. Eliot Cambridge’s wussier indie kids may hardly be funnier than real-life this classical capuccino is Webern's ception. On Fri Martin Scorcese’s Prize and the Whitbread Poetry think twice before venturing down, Tory scandal, if it won the Olivier serialist 5 movements for string Feels Like Going Home will be Award will be giving a reading on but we think the Dogs Die In Hot award it must be pretty good. quartet which either out of curiosi- screened, followed on Sat by the 10th Feb. Call 01223 576 306 for Cars + The Zutons line-up is worth ADC, 10th - 14th February 7:45pm ty, or genuine enthusiasm must be Mike Figgis’ Red White and Blues. more details. a few bruises. 7 Feb £4 (NUS), £5 Tickets: £5 -£7.50 (01223 503333) seen. 11th Feb, 7.30pm

Varsity is looking for new sub-editors, photographers and columnists. Email [email protected] for details L2 LISTINGS 06 FEBRUARY 04

Cu Ballet Club: Tai Chi Chuan: Hand Form; Thursday Performance class Self-defence; Pushing-hands; CU Ballet Club: FILM MISC (Intermediate). Contempory Weapons; Nei Kung . Beginners ballet, all welcome!. classical dance experience! Clare College, Bythe Room. Queens’ College, Bowett Friday Friday 1.5hr. 3pm. £2. 7pm. £2/3. Room. 6pm and 7pm. £1.50. New Hall: CU Chabad Society: Beginners pointe, 0.5hr. Live C.U. Tai Chi Chuan Society: Festival of Law Films “Twelve Israeli Shabbat, join us for the your dreams! 4:30pm. £0.50. CU Karate Club: Chi Kung: Breathing exercises Angry Men” followed by Shabbat meal. L’chaim, 7:30pm. Queens’ College, Bowett Intermediates session-6th Kyu for relaxation, health and fit- debate. Tanya - discover the moral and Room. and above. Queens’ College, ness. New Hall, Long Room. New Hall, Buckingham House mystical teachings of Kabbalah, Bowett Room. 8pm. £2. 2pm. £2/3. Lecture Theatre. 8:15pm. 8pm CU Chabad Society: Chabad House - 19 Regent Yiddish - learn the language of C.U. Tai Chi Chuan Society: your grandparents. Kick Bo: Saturday Terrace Tai Chi Chuan: Hand-form; Chabad House - 19 Regent Non-contact aerobics using the Self-defence; Pushing-hands; New Hall: Culanu: Terrace, 8pm. dynamic kicking and punching Weapons; Nei Kung. Festival of Law Films “Witness Jewish Cambridge’s unmiss- moves of Martial-Arts. Fitzwilliam College, Reddaway for the Prosecution”1957. 3pm. able weekly social... eat, drink CU Karate Club: New Hall, Long Room. 5:30pm. Room. 7pm. “Porte Aperte” (Open Doors) and be merry! . Squad Session. with subtitles. 7:30pm. The Culanu Centre, 33a Bridge Fenners Large Gym, 8pm. £2. Kick Bo: New Hall, Buckingham House Wednesday St, between Oxfam and The Non-contact aerobics Lecture Theatre. CU Chabad Society: Galleria. 10pm. Tuesday Tanya - discover the moral and Christs College, New Court CU Ballet Club: Theatre. 6pm. £2. Sunday mystical teachings of Saturday Improvers ballet. 1hr for grds Kabbalah., 8pm. Christ’s Films: CU Ballet Club: 4-6ish. Kelsey Kerridge, Buffalo Soldiers. Intermediate ballet. Free class 8pm. £1.00. CU Karate Club: Christs College, New Court for grds 6-7ish. Kata Session-Kyu grades. Theatre. 8pm. £2. Queens’ College, Bowett CU Chabad Society: Fenners Small Gym, 8pm. £1. Room. 2:30pm. £1. Beginners Talmud Class - no Christ’s Films: previous knowledge necessary. VARSITY DATES: Buffalo Soldiers. CU Ballet Club: Chabad House 8pm. SPEED DATING FOR STU- Christs College, New Court Advanced ballet: Free class for DENTS! THE RIVER BAR Theatre. 10:30pm. £2. Calendar Girls, 12A grds 7/8+. AND KITCHEN, on the Sunday 8th February - 7pm & 10pm Kelsey Kerridge, 4:30pm. £1. CU Karate Club: Riverside, close to Henry’s. 7pm. St John’s Films: Beginners Session-all welcome. The League of Calendar Girls - They dropped CU Chabad Society: Fenners Large Gym, 8pm. £2. Extraordinary Gentlemen,15 everything for a worthy cause. Tanya - discover the moral and Thursday 12th February - 9pm St. John’s College, Fisher mystical teachings of Kabbalah. Building. 7pm. £2. www.stjohnsfilms.org.uk Chabad House - 19 Regent C.U. Tai Chi Chuan Society: Terrace, 8pm. St John’s Films: Calendar Girls. CU Karate Club: St. John’s College, Fisher Beginners Class-beginners to Building. 10pm. £2. 7th Kyu. Fenners Large Gym, 2pm. £2. Think You're Thursday Christ’s Films: The Pembroke College Casablanca. Winnie-the-Pooh Society: Christs College, New Court Where minutes are taken and Theatre. 10pm. £2. Beautiful? hours are lost. Selwyn Gardens, No. 3, Following the success of Cambridge's first ever fashion show, the St John’s Films: Room 1. 4pm. The League of Extraordinary search is on for the freshest talent in Cambridge. Gentlemen - with Sean Sunday Connery. CU Chabad Society: Model Student 2004 promises to unearth the hidden gems St. John’s College, Fisher Tanya - discover the moral and Building. 9pm. £2. mystical teachings of Kabbalah. in and around the University. Chabad House - 19 Regent Terrace, 8pm. So if you think you're fit and fancy your chances CU Karate Club: send a photo with your name, college and Beginners Class-beginners to 7th Kyu. 2pm something interesting about you Advanced Class-6th Kyu and to the Varsity Offices or email [email protected] ITALIAN RESTAURANT above. 4pm MEZE HOUSE Fenners Large Gym, £2. Entries will appear in a colour pull out in Varsity and Party bookings up to 50 available C.U. Ta Chi Chuan Society: all will have a chance to vote Downstairs Cocktail Bar Tai Chi Chuan: Hand-form; Self-defence; Pushing-hands; 10% STUDENT DISCOUNT Weapons; Nei Kung Fitzwilliam College, Reddaway Winners will star in the Cambridge University Fashion Show 2004 at 17 Hills Road, Cambridge 01223 566900 Room. 2pm. £2/3 the end of this term in front of Hillary Alexander, Fashion editor of Monday the Daily Telegraph and scouts from Storm Modelling Agency. Theatre Previews Buddhist Meditation: Samatha Trust, exclusively on Thai breath meditation. Closing Date: Wednesday 11th February Pembroke College, Seminar varsity.co.uk Room, N 7. 7:30pm. To view more listings visit www.varsity.co.uk

LBG 06 FEBRUARY 04 LISTINGS L3 Company: THE CRIPPLE OF INISH- An amateur production of Ben MAAN - black comedy and THEATRE Elton’s Popcorn. moving drama in one play. Robinson College, ADC Theatre, Friday Auditorium. 7:45pm. £5 - £7.50. A STREETCAR NAMED 7:30pm. £6/£4. DESIRE: by Tennessee Williams; production funded CUADC: CUADC: by REDS. The Playroom, 7pm. CHRISTIE IN LOVE - intense ONE NIGHT STAND - New £5.50/£4.50. drama based around serial Writing. ADC Theatre, 11pm. killer John Christie. ADC £3. Brickhouse Theatre Theatre, 11pm. £3 - £4. Company: Fitz Theatre: An amateur production of Ben Webster Society: A new student-written play by Elton’s Popcorn. THE MAGIC FLUTE - zany, Alex Britton, ‘An Ounce of Robinson College, fast paced, and memorable Difference’. Fitzwilliam Auditorium. Mozart . ADC Theatre, College, Reddaway room. 7:30pm. £6/£4. 7:45pm. £6 - £8.50. 8pm. £2 students, £3 non-stu- dents. CUADC: Monday CHRISTIE IN LOVE - intense Pembroke Players: drama based around serial CUADC: ONE NIGHT STAND - Acting The Mystery Plays - Episodes killer John Christie. ADC from the York Cycle. Theatre, 11pm. £3 - £4. Workshop Showcase. ADC Theatre, 11pm. £3. Pembroke College, The Wren Chapel. 8pm. £5 with pro- Webster Society: gramme. THE MAGIC FLUTE - zany, Fitz Theatre: A new student-written play by fast paced, and memorable Pembroke Players: Alex Britton, ‘An Ounce of Mozart . ADC Theatre, Five Night Stand - extended 7:45pm. £6 - £8.50. Difference’. Fitzwilliam College, Reddaway room. standup comedy. Pembroke College, Pembroke Great tasting, great value Saturday 8pm. £2 students, £3 non-stu- dents. New Cellars. 10:30pm. £3-4. pizza for delivery A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE: Wednesday by Tennessee Williams; pro- Tuesday and collection Chinese Cultural Society: Chinese Cultural Society: ductionfunded by REDS. Thunderstorm . The Playroom, 7pm. Thunderstorm Emmanuel College, Queen’s Emmanuel College, Queen’s £5.50/£4.50. Building. 7:15pm. DOMINOS CAMBRIDGE: 01223 355155 Building. 7:15pm. £4 27 HILLS ROAD, CAMBRIDGE, CB2 1NW Brickhouse Theatre CUADC:

Cambridge University Nigerian MUSIC Society: Friday Nigerian/African Music 9pm-2am Dance Lessons & Non-stop afrocubism: Dancing!!. very popular monthly latin party. Clare Hall, Anthony Lowe Arrive early to Builiding. guarantee entry, Cafe Afrika, 9pm. £2 before 11pm; £3 after. Sturton Street. 7pm. GCMS: Cambridge Indie Society: Marat Freytsis, guitar: Indie/Alternative/Retro/Rock 20th Century music by Britten, The Kambar, opposite Corn Brouwer, Rak, Dyens. Exchange box office. Caius College, Bateman 9:30pm. £3. Auditorium. 1:15pm.

Cambridge University Nigerian Hill Colleges Orchestra: Society: Lent Term Concert. Programme Nigerian/African & R&B Music on includes Ives, Beethoven and Feb.7th; Free Dance Lessons: 9pm- Tchaikovsky. 2am. St Giles’ Church, Castle Hill, . Clare Hall, .9pm. £2-3. 7:30pm. £5 (£3).

Kettle’s Yard: Hill Colleges Orchestra: Lunch time concert lasting appox Lent Term Concert. Programme 40 mins. Kettle’s Yard, includes Ives, Beethoven and 12am. Tchaikovsky. St Giles’ Church, Castle Hill, . Queens’ Ents : 7:30pm. £5 (£3). PUSSY GALORE! No Mr Bond, I expect you to dance... Queens’ Ents: Queens’ College, Fitzpatrick Hall. RENEGADE! Early 90s anthems. 9pm. £4. Queens’ College, Fitzpatrick Hall. 9pm. £4. Saturday Cambridge University Nigerian The Orchestra on the Hill: Society: IVES, The Unanswered Question; Nigerian/African & R&B Music on BEETHOVEN, Overture to Feb.7th; Free Dance Lessons: 9pm- Coriolanus; TCHAIKOVSKY, 2am. Symphony No. 5. St Giles’ Church, Clare Hall, 9pm. £2-3 pounds. Castle Hill, 7:30pm. £6/£4. L4 LISTINGS 06 FEBRUARY04 Varsity - the only place to advertise your events

THE CAMBRIDGE FOOTLIGHTS

Announces auditions for

The Harry Porter Prize Winner,

An annual comic play writing competition judged by Stephen Fry.

ADC Week 8 Lateshow

2pm - 5pm Sun 8th ADC Bar

email mh386 for more info

THE Getting into creative media type jobs: The Cambridge Mummers The Cambridge Mummers an informal talk on getting a career in advertising Earn £130 Pounds announce open applications for technical positions HEYWOOD SOCIETY for its PRESENTS... AUDITIONS OLD HALL, GIRTON COLLEGE per 100 Envelopes EDINBURGH FRINGE SHOW th for its MONDAY 9 FEBRUARY A piece of new comedy writing THE INTERACTIVE ROCKY EDINBURGH FRINGE SHOW 5.15 pm - 6.30 pm Send SAE to Designer HORROR PICTURE SHOW (August 2004): Technical Director To attend email [email protected] Devised comedy Crew Delta Data Services th FRIDAY 13TH FEBRUARY Tues 9 Feb 5-9 pm Co-Producer Speakers: 4 Holly Close th Publicist 7.30PM Jason Goodamn, Managing Director, Wed 10 Feb 5-9 pm Red Lodge St. John’s College Stage Manager Albion Communications Mark Taviner, of Sports Alliances Bury St Edmunds PETERHOUSE THEATRE -please follow signs from Plodge Contact Sarah Millis the producer on Dan Germain, Brand Manager, 1P28 8LP For details: [email protected] [email protected] for details £3 ALL WELCOME Innocent Drinks

Cryptic crossword No.5: Set by Luke Pebody

PEMBROKE PLAYERS announce auditions for their WEEK 7 NEW CELLARS LATESHOW

“Dinner with the Inlaws”, a new one-act comedy.

Please email Noah on nlc27 to arrange an audition time!

------

Directors, please note our MAYWEEK APPLICATION DEADLINE: Sunday 22nd February

If you like more information about applying to direct a Mayweek show, please email Ros on rvp23

EDINBURGH FESTIVAL 2004 Solve your accommodation problems by calling Carole Across Down 1 Put to death sports commentator and laugh- 2 After a long gap, an inept comic television Smith/ Anne Goring on 01620 810620 ing doctor (8) character gets to an important position in 9 Current article about commercial for music Downing Street (8) email address: [email protected] label. It's difficult to get away from it around 3 TV Presenter sounds greater after publicity here. (8) stunt (7,5) or write to 10 Send a magazine, even though it is sent back 4 Irrelevant topics of conversation in trigonom- (4) etry (8) Festival Flats, 3 Linkylea Cottages, 11 The current top agreement gave food to 5 Roman mason already moved quickly Gifford, East Lothian, EH41 4PE Queens (5,7) around me (7) 13 A roman god from outer space (6) 6 I am stuck between states with a cover 14 People who effect a change: AC/DC for girl (6) example. (8) 7 Chieftain reverses piece of old poetry (4) 15 Spot reversed, for example, to keep irregular 8 President Ford's first name (8) walks. (7) 12 Business owner starts entire report renaming 16 Old-fashioned people like Fred or the europe (12) Captain. (7) 15 He wrote swinging music that swang her 20 Specify a new origin for asset. (8) swing (8) NEW WAVE 22 A backrub with half a finger for the King at 17 It was used to make things safer, but it really be a earn King's Cross. (6) gets up people's noses. (8) There is a wave of money 23 Posh minomer is all wrong for this yellow- 18 This type of musical instrument is very excit- nudie money to bellied idiot.(5,7) ing. (8) coming this way 25 Mark's replacement goes the wrong way 19 Island with a mysterious shape (7) cutie! bootie! down a foreign street before 21 Live here without a book (6) Only some can see it? turning full circle (4) 24 It sounds like the lady has a lisp, but it's If you’re over 26 Wanted: a fiancee (8) not true. (4) 27 Outline is kind of vague (8) 18 with a good figure, Do you want to see it? you could earn £50ph in Cambridge. Email: coolstudios@ look out! If you work hard - you may drown! lycos.co.uk www.freedom4everyone.co.uk To view more listings visit www.varsity.co.uk LIFESTYLE www.varsity.co.uk Jan XX, 2004 13

y name is Sarah and I am a girl. Like most girls I have a problem with food, in that I eat it. It’s a problem because I probably eat more food than I should, Mbeing a girl, and can sometimes get a bit bigger than a girl probably should be. Although, when I remember to remember I am a girl, I eat a bit less, so I become be a bit more girl-like and feel pleased when people who are not girls Girls just seem interested in finding out what it feels like to be a non-girl in a girl.

On the whole, girls don’t have a very good reputation with food and a lot of peo- ple find it very interesting to discuss why this is and write about the possible rea- sons for this strange phenomenon. My personal favourite is the primal hatred of want to the female form, but that is by the by. Girls (and non-girls) are aware we need food to live and if we don’t eat it we die and cease to be a girl, or anything for that matter, but especially a girl because it’s important to be one if that’s what you are. Yet some girls go very girl and eat so little they are almost no girl at all, which is ironic seeing as being a girl is the very thing they want to be, if only they could work out what one is. have food When I stumble across a difficult social problem I frequently seek the teach- ings of a famous African-American social commentator by the name of Christopher G.L Wallace1. Wallaces’ body of work includes a famous debate between a girl and a non-girl: ‘You weren’t say- ing that when you were sucking my dick’. .‘well you weren’t saying that when you were eating my pussy.’ Here we can see that often girls encounter problems, not just with eating food, but with being food as well. Some girls don’t like being food and may be heard protesting at being made to feel like ‘a piece of meat’. I don’t mind too much, as long as I’m a medium rare, more-rare- than-medium fillet steak with a seared caramelised onion and plenty of Dijon mustard. Some people get scared that girls, like food, will be eaten up in the world and so feel it’s their duty to make sure they’re not. To prevent them from being munched up and swallowed whole they often keep an eye on them, sometimes lock them up or, occasionally, make them feel like no one in fact wants to eat them anyway.

One day, maybe, we won’t want to not think about food. One day it may not matter. Perhaps we’ll stop thinking about not thinking about food and think about something else instead. In all the space we’d gain by trying not to think about By Sarah Solemani food we could think about Rwandan genocide victims or why 30% of the population has never “I’m a more-rare-than- made a phone call. We could think about how much money is in our pockets and why some peo- medium fillet steak with a ple will never, ever be able to fit their money in their pockets even if they were wearing dungarees. seared caramelised onion And we’d still have lots of space left over to think about and plenty of Dijon steaming bean hot-pots with dumplings, treacley suet-pud- dings and sweet potato and minted lamb pies. mustard.” Someone once said life is like a box of chocolates and I think, perhaps, they’re right. If it is, I’ll open the box and, without thinking about not thinking, eat them up one by one. And when I’m done, I’ll lick my fingertips for the world to see and smile as my belly gets bigger than how a girls’ should be. Date of the Week The Beautiful People Your chance to date Cambridge’s most eligible singletons

Sholto night where you can glam up, chill out, lis- Our man of the week is Sholto Mayne-Hanvey, a 2nd year ten to good music and enjoy a sophisticated historian from Johns. Asetting without busting the budget? Sounds From: West London. too good to be true in Cambridge, a social scene dom- Favourite Song: Soon come by Bob Marley. inated by ‘cheese’, sweatboxes and VK1s, but at last Favourite Book: Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess. this monotony has been interrupted by Monday Describe yourself in three words: Unashamed, value, fiesty. night’s Come Play at La Raza, on Rose Cresecent. What I’m best at: Listening. What I’m worst at: Losing. The music policy ranges from bashment to electro, To pull me: Impress me. while ‘mixing’ duties fall to a crew of variously compte- To date Sholto email [email protected] with ‘Sholto’ in the tent but uniformly enthusiastic student DJs. Come Play title by Sunday. Send answers to the same questions, your con- offers a range of music other nights can’t compete with tact details and a photo if possible. , as organiser Dom Rose says “when you go out you are usually forced to listen to a single type of music all night- here we’re mixing it up a bit.” Come Play also has Last Week’s Date those other essential ingredients of a good night:The ever-tempting drink deals and the novelty-value, free tapas. There’s also discounted entry to the Fez if you re still in the Last weeks date, Sara, chose Phil mood for partying after La Raza’s closing time at 1. Spencer, a 3rd year economist from Jesus, to share a bottle of wine and Come Play has all the tapas at La Raza. “I had a great perks of a house party -

w Gillespie time- Sara’s a top girl,” reflected tunes you like, people you e Phil, before adding “I love Brummy know (or feel like you do), ndr

A birds!”. Of Phil, Sara said “I was and cheap booze - without loving his Essex charm!” So do we the bloke vomitting in the have a Brummy-Essex cross county corner and the unfortunate match made in heaven? Watch this snogging. Come Play is the space...! night for Cambridge’s beau- Phil and Sara at La Raza tiful people (but mingers are allowed in too.) FASHION 14 Feb 6 , 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

06.02.04 varsityarts

Andrew Gillespie the big studio monolith crumbles away. room art is completely deviod of artistic merit Its not true anymore that creative visions and far more people seek recognition than n a post-Llewllyn-Bowen age, the term can only be realised at great expense. actually deserve it -but that’s exactly the point. ‘D.I.Y.’ seems to be associated exclusively Sometimes we do it ourselves not because the You don’t need anyone’s permission to make a Iwith half-arsed M.D.F. sideboards and toi- march of cultural history demands a change, film or write a book or form a band. To reclaim let roll desk-tidyers. It needn’t be so. In correct but simply because we can. We can because of a phrase of the hopelessly corporate for my usage the phrase ‘do it yourself ’ should denote cheap(ish) digital cameras and desktop pub- own purposes, you just do it. Do unrestrained expression, innovation and piles lishing programmes, 5p photocopying in every and piles of gung-ho, glorious, guerrilla cool. cornershop and hours and hours of dead cable The VarsityArts Guide to DIY If you want something done properly you TV air time gagging to be filled by Geordie 1.White Town, Your Woman - The first No.1 to be have to do it yourself, which is why every key teenagers ‘rapping’ about the ozone layer. Oh, made in someone’s bedroom and also pretty darn cultural movement since Punk has contained an and the glorious, golden internet. funky. element of the D.I.Y. ethos. Like many exam- 2.Punk - In the words of scene instigator Philip ples of home-grown creativity, Punk was born ome D.I.Y. enthusiasts are motivated Sallon, “We just got this idea to make outfits out of in reaction to the limitations of what came solely by the Zen-like contentment of binliners...” It before. ‘The Story of Punk’ should properly be Screation, without view to publication or 3.The Guerilla Film-makers Handbook by Chris subtitled ‘How The Kids Overcame The exhibition. Others are obsessive in their desire Jones and Genevieve Jolliffe - If Lord of The Rings, Insufferably Smug Hippies and Their to enforce their under-represented opinions director Peter Jackson had read this book, the world Tyrannous Monopoly on Counterculture.’ and questionable talents on the world at large. would be a better place. Everytime Ade Edmondson clonks hippy Nigel I suppose it’s possible that the average print- 4.Graffiti – “where every evening is an opening Planer over the head with a saucepan in The media consumer had a gaping hole in their and every passer-by is a viewer” - see Ronojoy Yourself Young Ones, it is a symbolic victory for us all. lives until zines like IQ a “sex zine for girls who Dam’s pg 16 article Fanzines are D.I.Y too - stapled together, full like girls who wear glasses” and Murder Can Be 5.Amateur Dramatics - from the french ‘amateur’, of rude words, mis-spellings and outrageous Fun (which chronicled every death in meaning ‘lover.’ In other words, if professionals libel - Varsity Arts would sell its Nan for such Disneyland since 1955) came along and filled work for money, amateurs work for love. freedoms. Independent film of the cheapest, it. But I doubt it. 6. Sniffing Glue, The Wrong’Un, Hardcore Is More scraggiest kind - think Kevin Smith’s Clerks or The D.I.Y enthusiast is utterly liberated Than Music, Oz - and other fanzines that changed The Blair Witch Project - they’re D.I.Y. from such tiresome concerns as quality or mar- the world, or at least thought they did Ellen E. Jones Everytime a low-budget independent film does ket demand. I’m not suggesting that we all 7.Changing Rooms - If only all builders were as something new and original, a little bit more of have un-tapped reserves of genius - most bed- resourceful as Handy Andy.

Music Visual Arts Film Hammer Time Spray Up The City The Dogs Bollocks Page 18 Page 16 Page 17 VISUAL ARTS 16 Feb 06, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk Spray Up the City The Student Ronojoy Dam on the ethics of Street Art Art Exhibition

n its maiden installment more committee are already well underway. than a decade ago, the Submissions are open to all and will be ICambridge Student Art collected during the week of April Exhibition comprised of, in the 25th, at the start of the Easter term. words of one ex-student, “a couple of Works in any media are welcomed, but bad watercolours.” From that we ask that all submissions be in photo- unpromising inception, the exhibi- graphic form, accompanied by a nota- Ella McPherson tion has blossomed, growing consis- tion of the work’s actual size. Proposals tently each year in both size and for installations should also include a ambition. sketch and detailed description of the As the exhibition has matured, its proposed piece. From these submis- organisers have continually scoured sions, a panel will select works for dis- the city for ever larger, more innovative play, aiming to represent as many peo- settings. In its early years, the Student ple and media as possible. Art Exhibition was staged in Little St. The Cambridge Student Art Mary’s on Trumpington Street. Then Exhibition 2004 promises artists and in recent years, Natasha Phillips and patrons alike a potpourri of delights, James Lindon hung student works including among other festivities, an from scaffolds above the Lion Yard auction and evening of performance shopping centre and procured the art. Most importantly however, the patronage of Sir Anthony Caro. In the exhibition endeavours to broaden, winter of 2002, the abandoned edifice strengthen, and generally kindle a fire of Henry’s Cafe on Pembroke Street under the congenitally tame art scene in was revived. Cambridge. Last year, under the triumvirate of Hannah Barry, Clemmi Kerr and James Aaron Rosen, Ella Fitzsimmons and Fox, the exhibition took up residence in Hannah Barry a large warehouse on Jesus Lane. Submissions poured in from both the he oldest and most demo- ance as an art form by the mainstream. and provocative, following the basic University and APU, and more than cratic form of art, ladies and Divergent heroes include Jean principle that a street wall is as good 800 people arrived to celebrate the Tgentlemen, welcome to the Michelle Basquiat and Keith Haring a place to exhibit as anywhere else. exhibition’s opening, a success which wonderful world of street art. who brought poetry and pictures to spawned both the Visual Arts Society Illegal artisanship of the highest the medium. hether graffiti, posters or and the Society for Emerging Art. In order, open to all and criticized as Street art has always been defined stickers, whatever the its thirst for innovation, unslaked by vandalism. An art world where by its illegal nature and no compro- Wmethod, the medium and every evening is an opening and mise attitude. Though termed ‘van- its DIY ethics are aesthetic asser- previous accomplishments, this year’s every passer-by is a viewer. dalism,’ street art offers an alterna- tions through direct communication exhibition headed by Ella Fitzsimmons Street art is a predominantly urban tive to the assault of commercial against the grey of urban banality and Aaron Rosen, will display works in genre that covers a host of different visual images we are faced with and corporate mediocrity. Its a pavilion specially designed by mediums, its most infamous son being everyday via the advertising world. ephemerality is part of its allure and Cambridge architects. graffiti. Its current identity is defined Shepard Fairey, founder of the spontaneity. While we are bombard- The exhibition will be staged next by the New York style that emerged in Obey Giant campaign, sees street art ed with flyers, high street advertise- Michaelmas in mid-November, and the late 60s and early 70s. Spray paint as an example of phenomenology, ments and billboards, street art preparations by its diverse executive Aaron Rosen and pens were its tools, ‘bombing’ and "reawakening a sense of wonder stands as a pure artistic expression ‘tagging’ (putting up your alias around about one’s environment". This and response to our modern media the city anywhere you could in a vari- interaction with the asphalt environ- culture. And yet it remains a ‘prob- ety of visual and calligraphic styles) its ment is fundamental. Street art also lem’ in nearly every urban area in the Reality Portrayed methods. Graffiti, as we know it today, goes under other guises such as world and costs billions of pounds a belongs to the Hip Hop culture that pochoirs or stenciled images, painted year worldwide for its removal. It’s took it under its wing. While leg- proclamations that have their history this subversive outlaw status which is endary crew the Fab 5’s 1979 exhibi- in the French student and working why street art will always survive, tion in Rome witnessed the beginning class rebellions of the 60s. These thrive and provide some of the fresh- Girton’s collection of of the style’s appropriation and accept- works are inherently confrontational est rawest art the world has to offer. People’s Portraits

very term I return to Cambridge a selection of forty pictures, a broad sweep full of good intentions to spend of society confronts the viewer, from the Eless time pickling my liver and great Ed Coode, Olympic Oarsman, to Cam Culture more stimulating my brain. So, to try the bad, Simon, a thief who replied to an and keep at least one New Year’s reso- advert in a newspaper posted by the artist. lution, I headed to Girton College to There are paintings from more than Who designed the UL? see its exhibition entitled: People’s twenty different artists, all members of Portraits. the Royal Society. Some conform to clas- My expectation of portraiture had sical ideals, with a structured sitter, while Even the most generous of observers designs, most famously the iconic been heavily influenced by school trips others such as Daphne Todd’s portayal of could not honestly describe the red telephone box. Although now to more traditional galleries, rooms full butchers Ron and Ray Pett, which University Library as a particularly replaced by British Telecom kiosks, of epic works where centuries of the appears to catch them off-guard at work, picturesque piece of architecture on the classical booth was once a famil- great and good stare down, resplendent surrounded by plucked turkeys. the Cambridge horizon. Resembling iar sight on our streets, a quintessen- in their finery. These works often left My personal favourite is a picture by a Victorian workhouse, crematori- tial part of the country’s heritage. me, no doubt in many cases intentional- Howard Morgan of Arthur Gathercole, a um, or most sinister of all, a concen- There are undoubtedly resemblances ly, feeling humbled before a Demi-god vagrant. Morgan’s use of thick brush tration camp, from the outside, the between the UL’s tower and the rather than emotionally connected in strokes gives him a rough, untidy appear- building invites neither visitors nor elongated phone box. Scott also any way with the subject. So, it came as ance, leaving his face ill-defined. His landscape artists. Its gloomy exterior designed Oxford’s New Bodleian no little surprise on entering the People’s mournful stare is piercing. and yet you is less than appealing for an after- Library, Battersea Power Station, Portrait exhibition to be confronted with cannot truly see him, invocative of the noon’s reading session, and the dusty Tate Modern (formerly Bankside pictures of builders, gynaecologists, semi-invisibility of those who live on the atmosphere and WW2 era design Power Station) and Clare College’s motorcycle couriers and teachers. streets. inside adds to the impression of own Memorial Court. As the well- However, it is this rendering of the Displayed on a staircase and corridor going back in time. The building has known saying goes, do not judge a people one would not normally expect to leading to student rooms, it is fair to say changed very little in terms of struc- book by its cover: these are buildings see depicted in an art gallery that is the that the setting reflects the exhibition as a ture since its opening in 1939, intended to last, and like the UL, are exhibition’s aim. Conceived by the Royal whole: surprising, unconventional, but devised to be functional and durable. foremost designed for their practi- Society of Portrait Painters as a celebra- full of real life. Its architect, Sir Giles Gilbert Scott cality because what is most precious tion of the millenium, its idea is to reflect lays claim to a wealth of other is contained inside. ordinary people and so provide a picture Richard Wielechowski of the UK as it entered the new era. Over FILM www.varsity.co.uk Feb 06, 2004 17 The Dog’s Bollocks Katie Sutton yaps about Kidman and Von Trier’s adventurous new work

Dogville suspicion, envy, lust and greed intensify. Tom muses about the name of the town On general release Feb. 13th As the title suggests, Lars von Trier’s in the book he is writing, ‘it needs to be version of humanity is one where people universal’, he says. Dogville is a combi- are reduced to behaving like animals, like nation of all towns everywhere, of people dogs – at times like a simpering whipped united, and separate, with their own o It Yourself, Dogville sug- dog, or in the film’s more fleeting gener- fears, wants, prejudices, and grey dusty gests. Build your own house, ous moments like a dog that’s just been happiness. Dbuild your own town, build given a brand spanking new bone. Grace, like the central female role in your own society isolated from the The landscape is like something from Breaking the Waves, is a martyr figure – world. But what you can’t make, and an absurdist drama – minimal and raped, abused and betrayed. But Grace what is truly man made, in this sparse.The entire film is set on one stage sympathises with the town’s people’s Hobbesian universe, is human nature. and the houses, roads and gardens are weaknesses, their wrongs. As she sees it, Dogville lasts for a lengthy 3 hours. It outlined on the stage floor in white. their behaviour is dictated by circum- is disturbing and intense. It’s a film that stance and who is she to judge? She can- will haunt you for a while, that you will Dogville is a combi- not judge them, she will suffer for, and mull over. It’s a film definitely to be seen stoically endure them. But in a surpris- (but not necessarily liked), maybe not for nation of all towns ing turnaround, it is Grace that in the the bleak presentation of human nature end is forced to confront her own nature. and society that von Trier bluntly and everywhere Despite its bleak earnestness and von forcefully rams down your throat, but for Trier’s seemingly chronic misanthropy, the world that is created in one bare While this doesn’t sound too aesthetical- there is something tongue-in-cheek room: it’s a real world of your imagina- ly enticing, you can feel this town, you about the film: you get the feeling that

tion, of your creation. can hear it. The gravel that crunches .papicselect.com Lars von Trier is playing games. Serious Set in a remote American town, iso- beneath worn leathery boots, weeds intensity is coupled with absurdity: the

lated by mountains, Grace (Kidman), dropped in a bucket, the knock on a www dramatic arrival of the gangsters, and the the epitome of, well, grace, is a fugitive heavy wooden door. In parts, the camera unexpected twist in the end brought on the run from some mean mobsters. is used effectively from above, looking story-book. The soft, lulling story- over, the neat chapters, and the not so about by Miss Grace. Someone famous Coaxed by Tom (Paul Bettany), the down on Dogville, the town’s people telling voice-over provides a backdrop to cosy reality. Rather like the American once said that all art should dare to be town’s self-proclaimed philosopher- buzzing like separate but interconnected scenes, entices you with hints of what is Dream, in sweet optimistic sugary form: taken seriously. When Dogville (finally) writer, the town’s people agree to allow insects going about their daily routines. to come and offers commentary on the a façade. A nice cover to attach to a rather draws to a close, you are left with the lin- her to stay, and in exchange she agrees to Dogville is divided into chapters, like a inner thoughts of characters. A constant bleak tale. Yet it would be too comfort- gering feeling (and hope) that Lars von work for them. Grace’s work quickly peculiarly intense and psychologically eeriness is maintained by the contrast ing, too easy, to confine the societal sick- Trier’s seriousness is not intended to be escalates as the good people of Dogville’s disturbing version of your favourite between the placid and serene voice- ness endemic in Dogville to America. taken quite so seriously. Casablanca No poetry in motion picture College Film of the week Rachael Graham prefers The Bell Jar

oth the viewers’ and the critics’ role as Ugarte, and a hideously pompous Sylvia Cuckoo’s Nest to make a comparable from a punt. choice, Casablanca is one of the French Captain (Claud Rains), both At the Arts until Feb. 12th drama about depression and suicide. Apparently, Paltrow is more proud of Ball-time classics, and what a bet- doing their utmost to dodge bullets and With one exception – mid-way, a frus- this performance than any she has done ter way to spend Valentine’s Day than stop the lovers escaping, and a superb trated and professionally jealous Plath before. I have to say, Sliding Doors was sobbing over the immortal line ‘here’s film-noir classic is created. loses her temper at Hughes and finally more of a high point, or maybe Shallow looking at you kid’. If the heartbreak of the storyline is not erhaps the courtship of literary there is evidence of life and blood – Hal. She will draw audiences – it’s a The story centres on the passion enough to get you weeping, then you are lights Sylvia Plath and Ted every scene is loaded with hackneyed pretty nifty trailer – but she simply lacks between callous Rick (Bogart) and stun- very hard-hearted, but you’ll find solace PHughes was a real bore to watch. and predictable cliché. Dialogue-wise, if the capability and range to portray, ning Ilsa (Bergman): long lost lovers in the film’s brilliant portrayal of the ten- Maybe the two poets, notorious for you can picture the angst-ridden bleat- responsibly, such an emotionally from a romantic Paris before the war. sion and paranoia of a world in the midst their artistic temperaments and mental ings from the diary of a seventeen-year- nuanced and paradoxical character. war. When it was released, the Nazi’s instabilities, had a relatively passion- old girl and then remove substance and Daniel Craig of Our Friends in the North were invading Europe and North Africa. less marriage. If this is the case, Sylvia originality, you won’t be far off. fame portrays Ted Hughes competently Casablanca is one of The sinister presence of the German has succeeded in one sense, at least, by army and Major Heinrich Strasser making a reliable historical artefact, the all-time classics (Claude Rains) become far more terrify- which also satisfies the morbid curio- ing, and this tension is more than saity of ‘Oh-I-Do-Like-to-Be- After being left at a train station as the enough to carry the film. Beside-the-Suicide’ obsessives. Nazi’s invade Paris, Ilsa walks back into The black and white cinematography We may never know: we were not Rick’s life: ‘Of all the gin-joints in all the is superb, adding a shadow filled gloom ‘there’. But even if we cast aside and towns, in all the world, she had to walk to the café when the thieving Ugarte is strike off the record the dreadful mis- into mine’. She walks into the gin-joint dealing with Rick, or Rick is wallowing castings, hideous mis-charecterisations, in question arm-in-arm with husband, in whisky-laced self-pity. As Rick gratuitous historical inaccuracies, and and leader of the Czech resistance, famously says ‘you played it for her, you’ll the bastardization of many quotations Victor Laslo (Paul Henreid), both want- play it for me, if she can stand it so can I, from Plath’s work (which they were just- ing Letters of Transit to the US that play it.’ – a lot less impressive than ‘play ly forbidden to use in the production), Rick has. Yes, the basic question is will it again, Sam’. Sylvia is a dreadful film. Humph let Ingrid run off with her new By Peter Matthews Beginning in 1950’s Cambridge (spot bloke? your friends! It’s the most fun you’ll have Soppy, romantic pap you may think; Casablanca is showing at Christ’s, for two hours), where Plath studied but, add Peter Lorre playing his criminal Thursday 12th Feb. English as a Fullbright Scholar, and end-

ing – sorry to spoil – with the most .papicselect.com unspectacular suicide scene this reviewer

has ever seen, one can only assume that www Sylvia tries to give us the REAL Sylvia, or at least dumb her down, mist her eyes up and give us Sylvia-lite (not as inter- Visually, to labour the point that this enough, but is ultimately unbelievable as esting, but better for you). is a serious and arty film, it tries desper- the cad and bounder he was known to be A poet whose talent was not fully real- ately to look European: every few min- during his lifetime. ized until her husband’s infidelity drove utes we are shown Paltrow gazing Sylvia is a film full of stock characters her to near-madness, Plath has iconic blankly into middle-distance or looking saying stock things and adding nothing cult status with most teenage girls who depressed. to new British cinema. It is a film which have ever felt a little piqued with the should only have been attempted by world, and a biographical movie of her n the positive side, Cambridge those dextrous enough to handle such a life requires greater scriptwriting than is appears to be quite a pretty tempestuous love story. If you’re curious provided by the unimaginative docu- Oplace. The Grantchester cows about Plath, buy a biography or read the mentary-writer drafted in by BBC Films. even make an impressive cameo appear- journals. Gwynnie should put the fat- It is nearly impossible, in a culture ance as Paltrow’s most captivated audi- suit back on and work her way up to

outnow which has brought us One Flew Over the ence, as she recites Chaucer to them proper roles. MUSIC 18 Feb 06 , 2004 www.varsity.co.uk Music to Make Girls Dance Hammer Time Was Yaqoob on Franz Ferdinand The Music of DIY very few years a band comes breath he cites Dostoevsky, Graham arages are the refuge of young along that lays out new bound- Greene, Leonard Cohen and Prince. rock bands, providing space, Earies, renders the once-shiny More evidently, the influence of post- Gstorage, soundproofing and status quo irrelevant, and makes fash- punks Gang of Four, fellow Scots Josef sometimes even inspiration from the ionistas wear rawk t-shirts again. K and even Joy Division lurk in the very tools that lined the walls during Oasis brought us the pungent odour album’s razor sharp hooks and aloof their early sessions. Hardware is a per- of cheap fags, spilt pints and grimy vocals. The angular guitars, dramatic sistent motif in rock:if we built this city pubs, Radiohead offered heartbreak tempo shifts and sardonic lyrics of single on rock and roll, then it would seem and alienation in the heartless mod- Take Me Out are enough to confirm sus- that we built it in the humble tool ern world, The Stereophonics picions that behind the definite sense of shed… brought the delicate whiff of swelter- style, there lies an intelligence and irony ing dog-shit and it appears that Franz that is sadly lacking from virtually all DIY artists - Ever wondered why they Ferdinand are about to be granted a their contemporaries. call it a ‘bandsaw’? similar epoch-defining role. Nick may say Franz just “want to play There are more hard-waring artists On the surface, Franz appear to bear music for people to move to”, but as he than you might expect. At the top of the fashionable coffee and the smell of admits, it “has to have depth to it.” toolbox are…well…Tool, found to be bohemian wine bars. Hyped to the point That’s not to say that all Franz’s inven- useful in the mid-90s for beating out of saturation by NME, molested by the tive energies are channelled into mor- metal. Nottingham DJs, DiY, set up broadsheets, they’ve sauntered into the dant commentary like ‘So I’m on BBC2 their trade in vacant warehouses and top three with second single Take Me now/Telling Terry Wogan how I made farms in 1989, and from the late 80s the Out, and everything seems set for one- it’ on The Dark of the Matinee. Songs like Nine Inch Nails had the industrial hit wonderdom and popularity amongst This Fire (Nick’s favourite) reveal a raw, sound all sewn up. But for serious idol- people wearing stylish neckerchiefs. But harder edge. Coming from Essex, the aters of ironmongery, you’d have to look perhaps we’re judging prematurely; A desire to raze a city to the ground is no further than Kraftwerk, The chat with singer/guitarist Nick and a lis- something I can relate to. But even this Carpenters, MC Hammer, and the Saw ten to their self-titled debut album sug- catharsis is underpinned by a dance sen- tiny. They might not have a political ed haircuts, Franz may seem part and Doctors. Although the sharpest tool in gests liking freschatos and Café Nero sibility. They’re no one-trick pony. agenda but as Nick says, “the music parcel of the intrusion of fashion’s the hardware homage stakes would have need not be a prerequisite of liking Franz Eclectic, lyrically and musically clever, scene is boring”. They see “men standing fickleness into ‘our’ scene. But they’re to be the reggae duo, Chaka Demus Ferdinand. Behind the apparently self- full of surprises and catchy riffs, the first still with their pints while a band go not. Despite NME’s dubious categori- and…yep…Pliers. consciously arty name lies a depth that single Darts of Pleasure is a good example crazy onstage” and they want this to sation of them as leaders of the art- promises great things. As Nick says, of its worthiness. The album is full of change. wave movement, they are a unique Franz’s influences are “far too many to surprises and defies easy pigeon-holing. The point is that, with their sharp band. Nick says Franz Ferdinand want name”. That’s a lie, because in a single Moreover it has a definite sense of des- dress sense and seemingly co-ordinat- to “reclaim pop music” and given the Engerica Jumping Off the Deep End The Boatrace George FitzGerald witnesses some refreshing styles at Queens’

Sunday 25th January had not approached ‘The Jump ence - something lamentably unique to ous appreciation in 500 or so inebriat- Off ’ with any form of anticipation. Cambridge. Last Friday, however, ed students, somehow extricating from eing a lazy Sunday, Engerica IThe event once more promised the Queens’ rose above both this tiresome his adolescent voice-box awe-inspir- were struggling to see The opportunity to witness defiant ‘hip- paradigm and a venue more suited to ing, lyrics-n-all renditions of anthems BBoatrace even half full. hop heads’ drown in a sea of indiffer- PE classes than parties, to provide a ranging from Simon Says to Stand by DIY albums - Guitar = Axe Unsurprising, you might say, if I went night of rare variety and exhilaration. Me - as SFX would later put it, “some- Other artists have had a little help on to describe them as a three-piece The algoRHYTHMIX - (quite a thin’ for the gal-dem.” from hardware when it came to album heralding from deepest darkest Essex. cool name as far as mathmo wordplay The undesirable task of following this inspiration. Iron Maiden went with But this band is definitely more than it goes) performed back-to-back spectacle was nobly undertaken by rap- your functional Metal Hammer in 2000. seems, a breath-taking marriage of throughout the night. The duo instant- per Inja, from The Delegates of Culture, Jimmy Page chose to Bury the Axe and punk and metal that left the crowd ly took the night by the scruff of the in an admirable performance that was Rod Stewart put a Spanner in the exhilarated and gasping for more. neck, forcing revellers and apathetic unfortunately destined for anti-climax. Works. Jethro Tull gave us Songs from the Engerica formed three years ago with haters alike to appreciate their seamless This emcee didn’t receive the love he Wood, but David Gray topped it by the intent of sounding ‘like the destruc- cuts and blends of solid floor-fillers. deserved as edgy beats and insightful bringing his White Ladder. tion of something beautiful’ and with a It was soon time to introduce a very rhymes, delivered with a tight flow, were contagious hyperactive energy, they do shy looking 17 year-old beat-boxer lost on a largely unreceptive crowd. DIY songs – Smells Like Teen Spirit- more than pull this off. With each track named Faith SFX. Non-believers who All that remained now was for the level… a civil war between vocals and backing had viewed the title ‘UK’s no.1 under- algoRHYTHMIX to close out a mem- Hardware is also the ideal lyrical that somehow works, the crowd is left 18 beatboxer’ with severe scepticism orable night, as Queens’ basked in the option – what better way to communi- feeling that they really shouldn’t be (myself included) were shown the radiant glow of yet another resounding cate than with reference to objects both allowed to be enjoying this, but they do. Faith SFX breaks out some raucous styles light. He proceeded to induce raptur- entz success. Long may it continue. familiar and universal? The Beatles This is music to push the boundaries, achieved what a certain college has yet with elements of Nirvana, System of a to get around to (despite several Down and Nine Inch Nails stirred up requests) when they were Fixing a Hole into a vibrant mass, pulsing to in 1967. Hardware harpies, The Engerica’s seismic riffs and Dave Reviews Breeders, had a brilliant Divine Gardner’s darkly twisted chaotic vocals. Hammer, the Foo Fighters opted for a The unveiled honesty and transparency Beans - Now Soon Someday Monkey Wrench, but Peter, Paul and so inherent in the jerky beats and angu- Warp, February 9th Mary lamented their distinct lack of lar guitars is entrancing and sets the Beans takes his rock-solid declamatory existentialist style of rap from his for- tools in If I Had a Hammer . Huey band aside from the others as something mer group the Anti-Pop Consortium, and drops it straight into his own brand Lewis and the News were playing a very special - a real band for real people. new mini-album. The beats get dirty, the synth bleeps reverberate into your cere- dangerous game in 1991, when they With ecstatic reviews from the likes of bral cortex and the bass drones: you know you could only be listening to a Warp encouraged us to do what we were the major music magazines like Kerrang, release. If you’re getting sick of the bitches and bling of mainstream rap, Beans thinking and Hit Me Like A Hammer. and incredibly strong tracks such as Trick can show you a mind-expanding alternative. And unlike the unoriginal repeti- Peter Gabriel was a devotee of DIY dit- or Treat and The Smell, the yet unsigned tiveness of West Coast ‘underground’ MCs like Dilated Peoples, this really is ties, penning two odes to hardware, Engerica are set to go far. something new. Just don't expect a G-Unit collaboration any time soon. DIY and Sledgehammer. Then, there’s Diana Liyanage Henry B always the chance that Eminem was Cleaning Out My Closet to do a spot of Damien Rice - Volcano decoupage. Of course, the Rolling WEA, February 9th Stones would just Paint It Black . Remember when Coldplay were touted as the new Travis until it became clear Coldplay were the better band? It’s the same with Damien Rice, ‘the new David From Michael Bolt-on to Justin Gray’, whose debut album, O, contains far more than the British songwriter has Timber-lake, from Garage Flower come up with. Volcano, his third single, has the sticky fingerprints of the record (Stone Roses) to Loose Screw (The company all over it: the release comes with no original b-sides, just acoustic and Pretenders), it would seem that the instrumental versions of songs from O, and crappy concert footage. Worse, on a (allen) key to a riveting rock classic is a magnificent album, Volcano is probably the weakest song. There are better trip to the tool shed. adverts for his music than this single: don’t buy this, buy O. Amy Stockwell Sam Bostock

LITERATURE www.varsity.co.uk Feb 06, 2004 19 Floating Screws Niccolo Milanese has a problem writing in straight lines

have a problem with writing inup with a kind of poetry. Or perhaps I just not say anything. There has been a straight lines. I expect it is becausegive different half-thoughts, different great deal of fuss recently over whether II am unable to think in sequence – personas, make them stand up and each of us creates ourselves by inter- my thoughts are frequently interrupt- interact with each other. Then I come nally narrating a story of our lives. ed, I start a sentence and then go on about with a kind of prose, or perhaps Some say that we don’t all do this, and some unexpected detour, quite uncon- a play. that to do so is rather unhealthy, nected in relevance, and then scrabble Here are some connections: indeed tantamount to a kind of self- around to attach my beginning of a deception. I see no reason why you sentence to something to ground it, Monkey tails work like arms, dog should have to lie, constructing a nar- and to allow me to let it go. Of course, tails work like smiles. rative. I don’t even see why what we we think things simultaneously. construct has to be a narrative. What I Observe: Midnights last longer than middays. do think is that paying some attention to the way you make connections cat Mrs Johnson walked into the baker between half-thoughts is a way of con- mat shopand saw that there was a giant sidering your relationship with your cockroach before her, and inferred that circumstances, and that playing So when I write anything, I start the reason it was so huge was that it around with those connections is a with plastering a blank page with had eaten all the bread. She was method for changing the way you words, phrases and expressions, at all annoyed at this. relate to the world and other people. angles, under no particular sequence. Reading the way some other people And then I look for the connections. Now, this is not all there is to it, have chosen to make connections is That page covered with incomplete there is considerably more construc- another way of considering your rela- sentences is my page, it is where I tion and artifice required than that. tionship. Those of us who choose to begin to communicate by ordering all Moreover, it is hardly a method guar- write these experiments down are those half-thoughts I have into some anteed to give good results. It is just called ‘creative writers’. I guess other kind of order someone else might the beginning. But I think it is where people do it in other ways, and they understand. The worst thing someone everybody must begin – for we are all have different talents. can do when they want to start writing aware of more things than we would is to stare at a blank page: it is blank! ever be able to say, and we must choose Niccolo Milanese is the founder and You must put some of yourself and some things to say and the order to say chief-quill of Cambridge Writers’ Guild, others there first. them in. a society committed to promoting creative Perhaps I connect my half-thoughts Now, I suppose there is no great rea- writing. Membership is free. E-mail on the page so that some are under son why you should need to connect [email protected] others, split by a line break, and I come these half-thoughts at all. You could The Ghosts in the Woodwork Cam Stories Alex Runchman on the undergraduate Sylvia Plath on Varsity he extent of Cambridge’s liter- novelists as well as lyricists. A. A Milne So where does this leave the student ary alumni is staggering, but and Douglas Adams, who created a St writer? Intimidated? But also in diverse Tuntil the 20th century poets Cedd’s College, loosely based on his company. It’s notoriously difficult to get Sylvia Plath won a Fulbright schol- night.” A huge joy galloped through dominated over novelists. This is not own St John’s in Dirk Gently’s Holistic published, but anyone with enough abil- arship to Cambridge in 1955. Here me; they remembered my name… . to underestimate the achievement of Detective Agency, both made it into the ity is likely to be discovered sooner or she describes her experiences with such giants as Sterne or Thackeray; it’s Top 10 of the BBC’s Big Read. Not a later. If all else fails, you could always fol- exams, Hughes and Varsity. Now tense, rebellious, with spring simply that only the inclusion of reliable assurance of their greatness, but low in the footsteps of Horace Walpole, sprouting outside my window and William Shakespeare could make a list popularity should never be underesti- son of PM Robert Walpole and one of ‘Last night’s whiskey is still strutting playing merry hell with my blood, I of poets boasting Milton, Dryden, mated. C. S. Lewis, who taught at the first novelists to come out of latent havoc in my veins…The caf- have to cram for a paper on Webster Wordsworth, Coleridge, Byron, and Magdalene, made it to no. 9 with The Cambridge. When The Castle of Otranto feine from the coffee this morning and Tourneur: why oh why didn’t I Tennyson, Rupert Brooke, William Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. King’s was published in 1764 he passed it off as tenses fibre too and I am do it yesterday… if I do not plot and Empson, Sylvia Plath, should you old boy E. M. Forster, were he still alive, a translation of a genuine 12th century appalled:…bitterness about clique: manage and manipulate my path, admire her, and John Berryman - who might be put out not to be more widely Italian document. Critics were outraged they publish friends, always friends; joining: academic, creative & writ- studied at Clare and celebrated his enjoyed, but he’s still canonical. And and many reassessed their initially must write some short sketches for ing, and emotional & living & lov- seduction of ‘the most passionate & today, of course, there is Zadie Smith favourable judgements. But the fashion them and Varsity after this next ing: writing makes me a small god: I versatile actress in Cambridge’with the and the prospect of Helen Oyeyemi – for Gothic literature was born. Whether week: potent, witty, punchy: some- recreate the flux and smash of the ecstatic line ‘She skipped dinner at standing out for making their mark Walpole learned his ability for outright thing they can’t reject without being world through the small ordered Newnham’ –more prestigious. whilst still here. Reading her stories in deception from his politician father or immoral. word patterns I make. I have power- In the 20th century Cambridge The May Anthologies (95-97) shows from bluffing his way through supervi- What I want to say is: HE is here; ful physical, intellectual and emo- showed its potential to inspire young Smith had a major talent. sions is a question for conjecture. in Cambridge. Smiling blub faced tional forces which must have out- Bert, all scrubbed and polished, met lets, creative, or they turn to destruc- me in the street on the way to the tion and waste (e.g drinking with How many poets does it take to College library: “Lucas and Ted Hamish, and making indiscriminate threw stones at your window last lov)’ change a lightbulb?

s it a strange thing to list ‘Poet’ have a sense of community in what Filament is a labour of love by a amongst your hobbies and pur- they are doing. Despite the frankly small group of students, who believe Isuits? Not the type of thing that gargantuan efforts of the Cambridge creative writing in all its forms has you would come across very often if Writer’s Guild, trying to establish a taken a back seat in this University for you were interviewing candidates for framework for creative writers of all far too long, and we are sick of being a job? Doing so may convey an over- levels and media over the last two out in the cold . ‘Poet’ is not something weening arrogance or a fuzzy touchy- years, there are still gaps that need to to be ashamed of or embarrassed feely personality that, I imagine, be filled. about. It is simply someone who would be discounted as ‘bad’ in such We hope that Filament helps do just chooses to make a point in a certain staple Cambridge career paths as say, that. When we have enough work to way. It can be challenging, funny, trag- management consultancy, publish- constitute a ‘pile’ (the mathematical ic, gooey, frivolous or serious, but ing or even worse, the black arts of measurement of poetry) Jon Opie, you’ll never find out unless you have law and medicine. Nick Purves and I sit down and argue the confidence to take the first step. But then again, that is understand- about what gets in, and photocopy the Email jo240 or cpm34 to submit. able given there is no real option for whole thing 300 times. ‘Silvey’ the Filament 4 out now (5 coming poets in the university to be able to Filament folding monkey then loving- soon!) interact with one another’s work or ly folds each edition . Colm McGrath and Jon Opie THEATRE 20 Feb 06 , 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

Brave New World of Song Backstage Theatre News

Saraid Dodd tingles to a world of jingles CHEESY MUSICAL Anything Goes swept the boards at this week’s Whatsonstage Theatregoers Songs for a New World Alex Spencer-Jones’ portrayal of the Award ceremony winning awards ADC Theatre, 4-7 Feb, 11pm frustrated Mrs Santa Claus and for direction, choreography, set Chris Berry’s painless falsetto. design, revival, best actress (Sally With cheesy love songs; meaning- Ann Triplett) and best actor ( John ful laments; outpourings of pure Barrowman). Is it just me, or wasn’t f you go to see Songs for a New soul; seductive jazz; bright eyes and he a presenter on Live and Kicking? World this week you may not EX-CAMBRIDGE director Ineed to see another musical Sam Mendes’ Broadway produc- this year. “a pure musical tion of Gypsy has announced early This show more than satisfies that closing notices for the end of desire for a pure musical injection injection” February. The producers, intrigu- that comes to every drama lover now ingly, blamed the weather. and then. Yet there is no train of gusto, Songs for a New World is not SEASONS GREETINGS small children with candles, nor any pretending to be any more than a from Cambridge Arts Theatre, brazen scenery, just four extraordi- bloody good show. who informed us this week that nary singers who slip into different So, Cambridge students, if the bookings are now open for their episodes of hope and suffering in words ‘paradise calls me’ don’t repel annual Christmas Panto. So if you America. The ease, focus and skill you, then stop trying to be clever for want to well and truly ensure you’re with which Chris Berry, Sarah Bird, a night and get down to the ADC. not missing out on the Beanstalk Alex Spencer-Jones and Lloyd Wood By the end of the evening you’ll action, give them a call. Hang on. perform is of the highest possible probably have to admit that you feel Isn’t it February? CA quality. Particularly noteworthy is all tingly. CUMTS Pembroke Magical Mystery Tour An Uninspiring Affair

The Mystery Plays, York Cycles Beadle (quoted in the programme) and cohesive, and humour was inject- One Night Stand who happens to be sitting at the Pembroke Chapel, 3 Feb, 8pm puts it: ‘The York Cycle of Mystery Plays ed into what could have a been a very ADC Theatre, 3 Feb, 11pm front. Next scene: he chances upon a is one of the great literary and theolog- sombre production by some good per- girl sitting on the pavement, drawing ical monuments of the later Middle formances, particularly in the Noah and she just happens to be his birth Ages in England.’ scene and by Lucifer throughout sister! Staging the Mystery Plays is, undoubt- This, however, was my initial fear – ( Jennifer Scott, who deserves a special There is little to say about the ADC’s The script itself is resplendent with edly, an ambitious project. However would something so date and theme mention.) There were a few weakness- most recent example of new writing- clichés and this is faithfully mirrored the Pembroke players seem to have, on specific still be relevant to a secular es – the cast seemed to flag somewhat a play entitled I Am written and by the distasteful and melodramatic the whole, overcome the constraints of twenty-first century audience? I was towards the end, and occasionally it directed by Yevheniia Mikheenko. acting. time (in both senses of the phrase) to particularly dubious upon learning it was difficult to make out speech, but The plot is incredulous and tells of The set - two plastic chairs, a table produce a successful, and unusual, ver- was staged in the Pembroke Chapel, otherwise highly recommended - a a young Aborigine boy who has been and a phone - is uninspired; the cos- sion. but luckily my doubts were unsubstan- rare chance to see this performed out- adopted by a white Australian family; tume is uniformly black and the light- Dating from about the fourteenth tiated. Director Simon Temple made side of York. And perhaps your only tortured by his severed past, he even- ing is practical rather than dramatic. century, the plays consist of short good use of the space, and having God chance to see Christ being graphically tually runs away. Whilst crossing In short, a disappointing one night Biblical scenes first performed by appear high up in the organ loft crucified in the middle of Pembroke Australia he boards a bus, which is stand. priests, and later funded and directed seemed particularly inspired. The Chapel. empty except for his birth mother Giulia Miller by various city guilds. As Richard selection of episodes used was logical Sally Jennings A Moo-ving Performance... chive The Cripple of Inishmaan His sense of confinement was From the childish delight in gore ADC Theatre, 3-7 Feb, 7.45pm reflected using stones at the edge of of Helen (a cocky and engaging

arsity Ar the stage to mark the limits of the land Jennie McGuire), to the outright V and Billy’s world. The set was excel- brutality of BabbyBobby (Chris lent, with a ‘driftwood’ atmosphere Till), the threat of attack is constant. he Cripple of Inishmaan is an bringing out both the location and The shift in the violence of eclectic mix of cow watching, poverty of the community. Using pro- BabbyBobby from protecting Billy to Tsuicide, and egg throwing. jected images helped to emphasise attacking him was shocking, as was Hints of Craggy Island emerge in the how the film being shot on a neigh- the reversal in the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ in eccentricities of the characters, but bouring island could have helped the the play it precipitated. the humour is mixed with violence. people to escape. It wasn’t all gore and doom though; Conrad Mason made a good Billy’s fellow villagers share the feel- much of the play was comic, although Cripple Billy, pulling off both accent ing of being trapped, but unlike him stilted on the night I saw it, creating a and limp. Although somewhat Tiny- they do not attempt to leave. Although drag in places. However, a larger, more Timish at times, Mason’s performance references to the ‘Irish problem’ do not responsive audience would have emphasised the fact that although contribute anything new to the debate helped. A good debut for director Billy’s physical deformity marks him on the subject, they do provide a fur- Stacey Gregg – and not a duff accent out, it is his intelligence and compas- ther sense of confinement, and help in sight. sion which truly separates him. contextualise the violence. Amy Blakeway Pop-tastic! Erase and Rewind

Popcorn there nothing about nation and race? Tape linked by our past. The trio of actors in the US, perhaps his genuine accent Robinson, 30 Jan, 8pm Though well-stocked with witticisms, The Playroom, 3-7 Feb, 9.30pm were well cast in this smart, slick was the deciding factor (the pro- stereotype-exploiting set-pieces, and production where the only factor let- gramme informs us he is a bonefide deluxe turns of phrase, the play spent too ting it down was the script itself. Yank who found his way to Trinity long juxtaposing different versions of This did not however, take away College). Popcorn is based on Ben Elton’s novel these arguments. But there was nothing “Nobody is right or wrong, nobody from the many moments of dark The tiny theatre space, sparse stag- about an obnoxious Hollywood auteur fresh or new in the play’s artless groping wins or loses, but some things can humour, the convincing interaction ing and dim lighting made for an inti- who gets stuck in a scenario which after the transfer of culpability among never be erased”. Hmmm.....?! Tape, between the cast and thought-pro- mate production which moves at a stinks of his own ultra-violent films. individuals, institutions and impersonal playing this week at the Playroom is voking ending. rapid pace and drags the audience Grinning babes sell popcorn (too salty social forces. Still, Popcorn is a fun and not as compelling or dark as it claims There is little doubt that Akaash along with it. Funny, thought provok- to eat, but good to throw at theatre- funny play.I for one, am going on a killing to be, nor as it would like to be. Mehta carried the play with an ing, if a little trite, Tape is undoubted- goers), and you ask yourself: if this is a spree. The general gist is that things endearingly convincing performance ly worth a look. play about American violence, why is Jow C Lindsay change but we are all inextricably as ‘wannabe bad boy” Vince. Being set Clare Geraghty THEATRE / CLASSICAL www.varsity.co.uk Feb 06, 2004 21 Dramatic Escape

Scapegoat ances from Paul Murray and Karen The screen is used as a visual Drama Centre, 29 Jan, 8pm Glossop - each taking on several metaphor for the blame she puts on roles - are superb, with sets being other people, a scapegoat that blinds constructed of nothing but sound her from the truth. A projection on and light and the superb use of phys- the screen informs us that ‘without capegoat - a fantastic piece of ical theatre. self-awareness, self-development is experimental theatre, per- impossible’. In one scene, one of only Sformed and devised by the two played in full view, she meets Wishbone Theatre Company - tells “a fantastic piece of mechanic Pierre, with whom she can the story of a young couple on holi- start again and be herself. day in the secluded European coun- experimental The Drama Centre consistently try of Montagnu. theatre” provides entertaining and experi- Almost all of the action takes mental theatre of a high quality, and place behind a sliding screen, which Scapegoat is certainly no exception – moves ingeniously up and down to We focus mainly upon Stella, a I’m thrilled to help get this thriving only ever reveal part of the story. relationship psychologist who writes little venue on the map.

Whether we are watching their self-help books yet fails to succeed in Lucy Barwell ishbone

feet, heads or midriffs, the perform- her own relationships. W

Cambridge spaces on a weekly basis and worked on a shared profit basis, perfect of the play. The shared understanding of Theatre: DIY Style! stage lesser known contemporary pieces. for a first-off production. Funding was the ensemble was especially significant “On this mandate,” explain the pair, obviously the main concern, with and ‘put to the test’ by the fact that the “Berkoff ’s adaptation of Poe’s short story Cantrell clinching backhand deals with three shared direction of the production, ambridge is full of opportunities a European tour on which they decided The Fall of the House of Usher immediate- certain downtown bars, as well as private incorporating a specific vision of light- to get involved with student to officially merge their ‘creative’ ambi- ly appealed to us”. Having settled, to sources and sponsorship, to cover over- ing, sound and choreography into their Cdrama, but what happens when tions. So how does one go about ‘doing some degree, their artistic direction, the heads. Keen to utilize the Playroom work. someone decides to do drama the DIY it yourself ’ in the tight-knit world of next stage involved a myriad of adminis- space, in spite of its technical primitive- The play’s success has inspired way? CamDram? trative and practical details. For this rea- ness, Back to Back expanded to recruit Cantrell and Hodges to continue collab- The Fall of the House of Usher played to Last January, the pair sat down and son, they decided to split their efforts, the professional lighting company, oration on a wider level. Back to Back sell-out audiences at the Playroom earli- deliberated on the direction in which the with Cantrell overseeing the production BlueParrot Productions, who proceeded are currently looking to embark on a er this term, staged by brand new theatre company should head, debating the aspect, and Hodges integrating himself to transform the space into techie- small national tour, culminating in the company ‘Back to Back Productions’, ‘mission statement’, pros, cons and dif- into cast and direction. heaven. Edinburgh Fringe Festival later this year. founded by English students Sam ferences, and a year on, the company is The first hurdle was finding a venue True to the experimental nature of the It seems now for this new company that Hodges and Tom Cantrell in 2002. still in working progress. The underlying appropriate to the intimacy of the play, company, Hodges recruited two actors there’s no looking back. Cantrell and Hodges met on the premise of the company was simply to but also a space which appeals to the with whom he has worked before, aim- Cambridge stage and were involved in veer away from the commercial, ‘bums ‘alternative’ theatregoer. The Corpus ing to form a tightly knit ensemble, vital For more information on Back to Back, various projects together, culminating in on seats’ theatre that graces most Playroom fulfilled the criteria and to the physical and emotional intensity contact Tom (tec26) or Sam (sh361). ESTablishment? CUCO’s shining night CUCO/Del Mar/Cooke technique in spades – her quarter- West Road, 31 January tones were perfectly measured and her Esbjorn Svensson Trio roulades spun effortlessly from her Corn Exchange, 2 February 1713 Stradivarius – and a sensitivity to match. The opening theme, played onathan Del Mar bounded on to with overwhelming poise, held me the platform, his highly polished totally in a thrall, but then, so did the he way the Esbjorn Svensson Jblack shoes sparkling under the whole performance; I felt privileged to trio defy definition is illus- lights and his tousled hair bobbing be hearing this violinist at the begin- Ttrated perfectly in where this about as he gave us a little homily on ning of what will be a dazzling career. review sits. At the top of this page lies Rimsky-Korsakov’s Overture on A few orchestral weaknesses – edgy the word ‘classical’. E.S.T. are not in Russian Themes; CUCO had a very moments in the Bartók and some any way classical. lively conductor in front of them, and Before this tour, if you wanted to a very attractive programme lined up Cooke has the hear them play in Britain you’d head for us. off to some jazz festival and, surround- The Overture was the only piece I necessary technique ed by gently ageing middle managers wasn’t overjoyed about; it’s not desper- and ex-hippies, sit bemoaning what ately worth hearing – neatly played in spades everyone else was missing. Their though it was – unless you enjoy nerdy pigeon-holing as a ‘jazz’ act has for spot-the-tune games. In any case, minor tuning problems – prevent me over ten years hidden their electrifying everyone was waiting for Florence from adding a fifth star, but as far as performances from the majority. Cooke to appear; more about her in a Florence is concerned, the evening was No longer; Esbjorn and co have minute. an unalloyed triumph; her playing made a break for it and they’re heading CUCO were clearly on good form shone even brighter than Maestro Del mainstream, acronymised (presumably under their guest conductor and Mar’s gleaming shoes. in Sweden ELO were never that big) indeed were very fortunate to have a James Halliday and hoping to pull some of the popu- Beethoven scholar as renowned as Del lar music scene, which is currently cas- dieselmusic.se Mar to direct them. His interpretation trating itself with David Gray towards of Beethoven 4 was sparkling and dra- something more challenging. and, without wishing to be overly crit- percussion was invented. The verve, matic from the outset, with teasing At least that’s the theory. Now ical of what are probably still the finest which once gripped every member of string tremolandi and magical timpani Want more? before I say more I should pre-empt trio of their kind around in Europe, the audience is surely still hidden inside, rolls from the excellent Catherine varsity.co.uk myself by saying two things. One: I am they seem to be lacking the sheer but something seems to have been lost in Hockings and her wooden mallets. I a long term E.S.T. fan and perhaps undeniable electricity which used to be translation. beamed all the way through the sunny some of their previous gigs have their trademark. There remains hope that E.S.T sim- last movement although I would have Visit varsity.co.uk and follow become rose tinted in the years since I The long, meandering diversions ply had an off night, but you can’t help liked to see the players pushing the the links to classical music. The last saw them. Two: don’t misunder- which Svensson used to take are gone, feel that they’ve been needlessly told to tempo a touch faster. site features published articles stand what I’m about to say, they are replaced with a far tighter but less musi- rein in their more creative instincts in The meat of the evening, however, and much more, including the still damn good- their music remains cally adventurous set. Berglund’s bass order to pursue a wider ear. For those was Bartók’s Violin Concerto No. 2 – latest jazz and classical CD and unsurprisingly a joy to experience, solos also make no appearance, presum- who see them for the first time there is the Bartók violin concerto, as Del Mar concert reviews. If you’d like to with the talent they shwo unquestion- ably deemed too ‘out-there’ for the mar- always something to grab – Gagarin’s informed us. It’s a fiendish piece just submit a preview/review or able. They easily achieve complete ket that E.S.T. are now pitched at and Way will always be something of for the orchestra, but the soloist needs become part of the Varsity harmony with their instruments while although Öström’s genius is immense beauty – but you just feel they a Houdini-like perseverance to make Classical team please email clas- performing some of the most perfectly undoubtable, you miss the breathtaking long to be back where they came from. its way through the consistent cascades [email protected] crafted music you will ever hear. ten minute digressions which used to Let’s hope they find their new shoes fit of trills and triple-stopped chords. However, something has been lost remind you, in an age where most drum- before it is too late. Florence Cooke has the necessary in the shift they have tried to perform mers would be best off put down, why Tom Ebbutt SPORT 22 Feb 06, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

Mark Window of opportunity Adair INVESTIGATING FOOTBALL’S or a pane in the glass? TRANSFER WINDOW

If Chelsea owner Roman sell on at a massive profit. Even Nistelrooy broke his leg in the and read the rumours in newspapers to North London from Tottenham to Abramovich wants to go out and buy Premiership clubs like Leeds United, Champions League and United were see if their club has succeeded in buy- Arsenal. Spurs could have expected to a football he can purchase one every (who are £80 million in debt) survive not allowed to buy a replacement. ing the next big thing. recoup anywhere up to £20million for single day of the year. However, if he by selling their best players and bring- From the perspective of the players at In fact, what the Transfer Window the England international’s services but wants to buy a footballer, he is ing in replacements on loan. The trans- the lower end, it means that if they have has shown is that the gap between the were forced to let him leave on a free restricted to purchasing during the fer window artificially limits the peri- had a magnificent first few months, they Premiership’s elite and the rest is transfer to their arch rivals. January Transfer Window and the ods they can sell players. In a worst case feel that they have missed out on the ‘big becoming larger and larger. If one One thing which has kept cash end of the season. UEFA, the scenario this means that if Leeds are move’ forever if it is not completed in looks at the top three deals this January transfers and the transfer window alive European governing body, justify the about to go into administration in January. Louis Saha recently moved to it will reveal that they involved the top in Britain is Roman Abramovich, who window by saying it means that a March and need to raise a quick £5 Manchester United for £13 million and three clubs, Arsenal, Chelsea and has spent a cool £121 million on play- team starting a competition will stay million they will not be able to do it by Scott Parker recently moved to Chelsea Manchester United, spending a total of ers since July 2003. By asking all the together for at least part of it. selling Alan Smith or Mark Viduka. for £10 million. Although the current £40 million. clubs across Europe to name their price Those lower division clubs, who What if a club’s star striker gets ‘flavour of the month’, Chelsea may not But is there any point in having a for their top stars he has assembled a have been made bankrupt in the wake injured when the window is closed? be in the reckoning at all come July. transfer window? Critics feared that world class team based purely on his of ITV Digital’s collapse, are now told The manager will surely want to bring Some fans argue in favour of the with the Bosman ruling, transfers financial muscle. The demands on that they can only sell players during in a replacement. Advocates of the win- Transfer Window because instead of a involving cash might be obsolete and smaller clubs to sell in the face of these the January Transfer Window. Many dow say that this is a perfect opportuni- few transfers in September and a few all players would move at the end of mega-money offers from Chelsea and teams such as Crewe have a reputation ty to blood some youth team players in October and so on, it concentrates their contracts (normally in July) for Manchester United has always been as a ‘selling club’ and make money by and stop foreign imports ruining the all the transfers to one point during the free. This has been the case to some intense, but narrowing the dates when having an excellent youth system that game. On the other hand I’m sure Alex season which makes it more exciting. extent. High profile free transfers these deals can be done only turns up cultivates players who they can then Ferguson would be fuming if Ruud Van Fans can avidly watch the television include Sol Campbell’s move across the pressure.

Geoff ’s emphasis throughout his best- But Sir Geoff doesn’t resent the selling book, 1966 And All That, is on money in today’s game. He admits to Hurst it all before? hard graft and endeavour being the key being from the “very old school”, and to success. He tells me “Life’s about nat- wouldn’t have had it any other way. ural talent, and expanding that by hard However, an element of sadness is clear- work.” ly present in Sir Geoff ’s life as the con- Sir Geoff, however, is been anxious to versation moves on to his former team- point out that “success can be a danger- mates who have passed away. When I ous thing”. He a story of how a taxi driv- tell him that I was present for the er taking him to Heathrow airport had minute’s silence in honour of Johnny been staring at him through the mirror Byrne, a flash of sadness passes across his all the way. Every time face. “I met up with Sir Geoff had looked “So where were you when Johnny just before he up he had seen the taxi the fourth goal went in?” died, he was a mar- driver, trying to work vellous man”. Sir out what his name Geoff ’s 1966 team was. Finally the cabbie relented, saying continues to meet up annually though “Go on then, guv, you’ll have to tell us and, even as the likes of Bobby Moore what it is”. Sir Geoff had replied “I’m Sir tragically pass away, Sir Geoff is sure Geoff Hurst MBE, scorer of a hat-trick that “their memory will remain.” in a world cup final, 24 goals from 49 That day in 1966 was a massive turn- international matches, and 248 goals in ing point in Sir Geoff ’s life. His first goal 499 appearances for West Ham”. The had been a trademark West Ham cre- taxi driver replied, “No, you silly prat, ation, a towering header from a long what terminal is it?” Bobby Moore free kick. But it is his sec- Sir Geoff ’s polished anecdotes also ond that abides in the memory. The included a story about how, the day after question everyone asks is, did the ball the final, Alf Ramsey had found ‘volun- cross the line? “Well, if you look at the teers’ from the England team to take the picture, you’ll see that I was sitting on trophy to an old people’s home in my arse having hit the ball on the turn, Wembley. Sir Geoff, finding an elderly and probably had the worst view in the lady, asked her, “Do you know who I stadium. But the person who had the am?” Her reply: “No, but if you go over best view was Roger Hunt, who put his Nick Seeber there and ask matron, she’ll tell you.” arm in the air straight away, and for the That fourth goal in 1966, which Sir last thirty-seven years that’s been good Sam Richardson interviews 1966’s hat-trick hero Geoff says might not have gone in if the enough for me.” ball hadn’t hit a bobble just as he struck But would Sir Geoff have preferred if If any Englishman personifies the Sir Geoff as an angry old man would be Heskey’s inability to play football, com- it, is one of those moments, like the JFK Roger Hunt had put the ball in, saving phrase ‘living legend’ it is Sir Geoff grossly unfair. He surely has a right to bined with his ability to get picked for assassination, that everyone can remem- his team-mate from years of abuse from Hurst. compare modern footballing culture England. “I was watching Liverpool ber exactly where they were when it hap- the Germans and Scots? “No, I’d never The man whose unique hat-trick in unfavourably with the time when he recently, when my wife walked past and pened. “One man”, Sir Geoff says, “was want to have that hat-trick taken away the 1966 World Cup Final changed his played. The behaviour of the England jogged the TV. Heskey fell over.” “His telling me how he had been sitting in from me.” Sir Geoff often dedicates life forever, sits opposite me in front of and Turkey teams in the tunnel was, he record’s something like four goals in front of a TV on holiday somewhere, those three goals on the “absolutely vital” the fireplace in the imposing surround- says, “disgusting, pathetic, immature and twenty games. If I’d done that for West when he looked me straight in the eye, pillar of support his wife Judith has been ings of the Union President’s office. Sir disgraceful. If Alf Ramsey was manager, Ham, I’d have been a bricklayer in no and asked ‘So where were you when the for him. So, would he have rather never Geoff, however, looks perfectly at home. we’d have stayed on the pitch and wait- time”. fourth goal went in’”. won the world cup, or never met Judith? His still-impressive physique (“I have a ed for the Turks to go in.” I therefore ask why, after leaving foot- The fact that these three anecdotes all His answer, for once, is a diplomatic one: treadmill, though my wife’s relegated me Sir Geoff ’s views on the Rio ball, did Sir Geoff make it in business revolve around not being recognised “If I hadn’t met my wife, I could never to the garage”) dominates the lounge Ferdinand saga are even more forthright. and not as a bricklayer? The England could, some might say, hint at an under- have won the world cup.” And that is a chair as it once dominated opposition He believes the England centre-back hero stares searchingly into my eyes, lying desire for recognition somewhere feat Sir Geoff hopes England can repeat penalty areas. He greets me with a firm, “purposefullyly did not show up, he’s out wondering if I am implying that his in Sir Geoff ’s character. That could also as soon as possible. “I love England, I reassuring handshake, telling me that “I of order”. Pushed further, he suggests business success (he rose to be a manag- explain his anxiety to emphasise his suc- hope we win it 4-0, with two goals from hear you’ve got five minutes of my time”. that “something’s going on… there’s ing director of London General cess in the world of business. But I think Owen and two from Rooney. But no That this five minutes rapidly grows more to this than meets the eye”. The Holdings) was only due to his fame. “I that would be a misreading of a much hat-tricks”. towards half an hour is clear evidence of FA were in the right, and the team’s think the experience and skills I picked more complex character. Sir Geoff is Sir Geoff ’s passion, not only for football threat to boycott the match was “dis- up in football management stood me in anxious to “live in the present” and not but for people in general. graceful, madness”. “In Alf Ramsey’s very good stead for the business world.” just feed off the past. Hence his current Sir Geoff certainly has a lot to say for day, wearing the England shirt meant Sir Geoff ’s success, at least on the involvement with grassroots football College Sport himself. Indeed, it crosses my mind that, something”. As for players like Chris football field, stems partly from his through McDonald’s, and his prior work Our superior college sport while Geoff Hurst spent his time getting Sutton, who refuse to wear the England genes. His father was a professional as an ambassador for England’s 2006 coverage returns next week when crosses, Sir Geoff Hurst merely spends shirt, “They can sod off. Who needs footballer for Bristol Rovers, Oldham World Cup bid. So how did he keep the weather is better, and Varsity his time getting cross. He uses the word them.” and Rochdale; his mother (who ironical- motivated after winning the top prize? can go out without getting cold. Col ‘disgraceful’ fourteen times in relation to There is one thing, however, that even ly had German roots) was a strongly- The answer is simple.“In my day, we had next week. the modern game. But to characterise Sir Geoff cannot fathom: Emile built and determined woman. Yet, Sir to carry on. We couldn’t afford to retire”.

Ben Evans Archive ers beingforced about tothinktwice play- withattacking area, the penalty in challenges away withsome terrible been allowed have toget Defenders beenmistakes. divinghave ly foralleged- player hasbeencautioned where the of thetendecisions made, has beenthatapproximately eightout within thegame. against thismostviciousdisease takingsome actionwere finally FIFA atlast, immediate reaction was, My been shown totheoffender. hasautomatically ayellow card area, inthe thataplayer hasdived strued looking togetinvolved. would beidealforany beginners which week’sClaxton inafew time, ona race theindoorcircuit at Thenthere’s Cuppers thisweekend. well. really andwe’re do confident wecan son, toptenfinisheslastsea- got several we Havingsaidthat, real challenge. soitshouldbea high, ing isreally Butthestandard ofrac- Darlington. andAlex Keith Collantine Down, Phil of Nicos Darzentas, talentedline-upwiththelikes really got andwe’ve a ing’s gone well, really Thetest- 18th. offon February kicks Championship, Karting Universities Rajan Lakhani calls for calls replays Lakhani Rajan TV Evanscaptain andBRDCdriver Ben Karting interviews Richardson Sam What aretheKartslike? What elseiscomingup? [CU AutoClub]atthemoment? How arethingsgoingwithCUAC Vrooom for manoeuvre? is thereferee’sdisciplineofdiving. nament thathastakenmyattention keepers, theoneaspectoftour- embarass Sunday-leaguegoal- almost comicalkeepingthatwould Eto’o inadditiontotheprofligate, Okocha, Niang,DosSantosand vided bythelikesofJay-Jay delight fromtheskillsonshowpro- the AfricanNationsCup,taking As muchasIhaveenjoyedwatching Football’s divers sinkto new depths www.varsity.co.uk The problem inthetournament timethereferee has con- Every getupto80milesperhour,They There’s Karting theCollege that’s theBritish The BUKC, o oeatce ot ast niea w.ast.ou n ii h prsscin Contact [email protected] For goto more articles Varsity Online at www.varsity.co.uk section. andvisitthesports happen. going to really butthatwasnever off, backed couldhave Iprobably partly. one been mighthave Actually, fault. 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There isastoppagewhile offender. also issueared forthediving card but percent sure abouthisdecision, beone hundred notonly hecan area, been brought down inthe penalty able toconsult on whenaplayer has Ifthereferee is tic hastobedone. favour. desired result.Theeventualscorelinewas85-67inthehosts’ poor playmadeitevenmoredifficultforthemtoachievethe the oppositionprovedtougherthanexpectedandBlues’ Staffordshire Universityathome.Althoughbottomofthetable, starting players.Themostrecentmatchwasagainst eventually prevailby15pointsdespitemissingtwooftheir Shield. Thiswasahard-foughtmatchwhichsawCambridge BUSA, andhenceearningtheopportunitytocompetefor threatened theBlues’chancesoffinishingabovefourthplacein first wincameathomeagainstaWarwick Universityteamthat they finishedlast,withtwocrucialback-to-backvictories.The iasCmrdeCt ' toa1-1draw. 3's City Cambridge rivals theBedouinswere abletoholdlocal Despite thegaleforce wind, excellent preparation forthe Varsity on the16th. inOxford match and from areas provided all teamperformance ofthepitch abrilliant TheNomad's push Goals for promotion wasemphasised intheir7-1demolition ofEly. beat." "teamto that theUnisideremains the ensure from Jenny corners Parkinson captain short setupgoals to Two lethal 2's. over titlecontenders Canterbury 3-1, league victory, the Bluescontinued another there withyet ofform incredible run 2-0lastweekend ofOxford thedefeat After teams. hockey womens recurring virus. from a hasbeensuffering crewlastyear, stroked thewinningOxford whoseelderbrother Matt architecture Cambridge year-old student, The20 BoatRace. uphisfighttobefitforthisyear's hasgiven time, pairsofbrotherswhen two competed inopposingcrewsforthefirst aren't eligiblefor Varsity. team margin thistimearound bestmembersoftheOxford asthetwo sheisconfidentHoole says ofbeatingtheDark Bluesbyabigger CaptainLisa are andCambridge aimingtoretain theshield. Oxford, The Varsity in 22ndFebruary ison Match Sunday Oxford. 108 vs. 120- andmostimportantly Bristol 135-62vs. Reading, 135-49 vs. UCL, recorded of124-102vs. weekendthey victories Last League. Sport inBrief Sport The CambridgeBluesBasketballteamstartedthistermjustas thsbe nte xrml ucsflwe o h university successfulweekforthe It hasbeenanotherextremely in2003 history one offourmenwhomadeBoatRace Ben Smith, The Women 1stsare now on topoftheBUSAPremier back Women’s Hockey Blues Basketball Blues Fencing Rowing sport. the who donothingbuttarnish itselfofthecheats football rid finally can More importantly, diving. to the action somegive of credibility formeseemsto which ‘simulation’ what FIFA liketocall ridiculously you wouldcutdown doubt, Without SPORT Feb 06,2004 23

Andy Sims

SPORT 06.02.04 www.varsity.co.uk

OFF-COLOUR BLUES LOSE THEIR WAY Blues Football BLUES 0 Andy Sims A.F.A. 1 Sam Richardson

After two weeks of snow-enforced hibernation, the Blues stuttered in the face of an Amateur Football Alliance side who are likely to prove the tough- est opposition of the season. The Amateur Football Alliance, made up according to their coach of “old boys, brokers and bankers”, have only lost to the Blues once in the last twenty-five years. However, this regular fixture hadn’t been played for four years due to postponements. Judging by the early minutes of the game, the Blues weren’t too keen on playing this time round either. While the Amateurs belied their name, the Blues came out of the blocks with a performance considerably flatter than the Grange Road playing surface (not that that took much). The only glimmer of light in the first fifteen minutes was a strong run by Luke McInally who scythed incisively for- ward from full back, only to see his cross sail over the bar. The Blues looked to play football, moving the ball out wide to try and use the skill of Mugan, McInally, Hall and Hughes. The AFA, however, used a more direct style, sending into the swirling wind a bombardment of cor- ners, crosses, and long throws which came down with snow on. A header crashed wide of Blues keeper Joe Garood’s near post. The Garood boy: Cambridge’s keeper attempts to clear the ball under pressure from the Amateur Football Alliance keeper got down to either side to cling onto low grubber shots. A looping to the wing in a switch with his name- saw as late as a Virgin train. dropped into the six-yard box and introduced winger Kris Sonne, which header clipped the Cambridge cross- sake, Jonny, in order to give the Blues The Blues team-talk must have was met by a strong header. Garood, at least allowed some bright spark in bar. AFA striker Anthony Mann pro- some more skill up front. This did little turned the air blue at half time, for once, could not cling on, and the crowd to shout ‘Go on my Sonne’. duced a distinctly unmanly finish three to trouble a solid opposition back four, although it didn’t have the same effect striker Chris Shaw made sure from The Blues, however, had little to yards out as the Blues somehow scram- although Harry’s agricultural language on the match. Certainly the re-jigged two feet out. shout about after this game, although bled the ball clear. did at least wind up the old boys line up was tighter at the back, and This was a shame, as the Blues had with six games until Varsity they will The only glimmer of light came watching from the comfort of the Harding stamped his authority on a been looking more solid. With just ultimately look to do their talking on from the AFA keeper. Perhaps des- Grange Road stand. midfield area which was generally under half an hour left, the AFA shut the pitch. perate to get into the action, he pro- At the other end, Garood was keep- bypassed anyway as the Blues gave up shop, gradually dropping deeper. Fairbairn told Varsity ‘It was a tough duced a kamikaze diving header out- ing his side in the game with a string of the ball wide and the AFA sent it over The Blues rung the changes, but to no game, against a big, physical side. We side his box, and then sliced a clear- fine saves. He denied Colin Jones the top. avail against a solid defence. The only hoped we’d have one good spell after ance straight to Blues skipper Chris when he was clean through, then spec- Both the game’s only goal, and the sniff at goal fell to Fairbairn, who half time, but it never really happened Fairbairn, although the defence tacularly tipped over a dipping long corner from which it resulted, were chested the ball down ten yards out, for us’. But as his talented side pushes closed in on him as if they were Blue- range effort. The best save of the lot cheaply conceded. Poor communica- and turned brilliantly on a sixpence to for BUSA promotion and Varsity vic- tack in Cindies. came on the stroke of half time, turn- tion led to the ball being unnecessar- fire wide from a tight angle. tory, one suspects that it will start hap- Harry Hughes moved from up front ing round the post a volley which he ily hacked behind. The hanging cross As the clock ticked down, the AFA pening soon. Burgeoning Blues bash Bishop Stortford

concentration and discipline against Rob Fulford slotted a powerful low Three 35 minutes were played to allow Loughts. Their international for- the struggling opposition, since there flick under the keeper from another for maximum practice for both teams. wards squandered numerous chances, Blues Hockey are no guarantees in sport as we saw well won short corner. The first third saw the students suf- but the students won the third 2-1. Mikey Williamson with bottom of the league The half time talk was simple. Kill fer at the pace of the premiership This was a superb result and shows Wolverhampton Wanderers’ win in the game off in the first 5 minutes of team. The score was 4-1 to Old the standard of hockey the Blues are the Premiership against then leaders the half. The students did just that Loughts after some great flicking by now achieving. After the crucial win last weekend, Manchester United. with Fulford adding to his tally.There their South African international. The weekend saw notable perform- the team seem to be unfocused and In spite of this, the Blues’ lack of was no chance of Stortford coming Despite the score-line, there were ances by Jamie Parker in both match- unprepared for a game that could focus soon became evident in the first back from this score line and the signs that the students were adapting es, great skills by Dickie Little and a have been a potential trip up. ten minutes of the game when there game started to peter out. to the pace at the end of the third. solid performance by Neil Wilson in Bishop Stortford are bottom of the was no structure or discipline to their There was still enough time for The second third started and was a the Sunday friendly. Vlad Katunin league and the top of the league stu- hockey. Stortford managed a few Cambridge to add to their score for 5 different game. The students started came up from the Wanderers to put in dents were always looking to win this early counter-attacks which led to minutes from the end, Parker and to match Old Loughts for skill and a great performance in goal on the fixture comprehensively. It was impor- scoring chances. Fortunately, they Fulford combined to play a neat one ability and were only let down by our Sunday too. Cambridge hockey just tant for the Men’s Blues to retain their were all off target. two and Parker expertly finished the fitness and unforced possession keeps getting better. Eventually, the students settled goal of with a full length diving turnover. The score remained a down and with the captain coming deflection. This 4-0 victory brought respectable 1-1. Page 22 back on the field for the first time the Blues another 3 points and the It was clear that the students were Diving since his injury, the team managed to promotion campaign carries on. starting to compete with Old construct a couple of short corners. The Blues carried on their fixtures Loughts and were keen to put every- Geoff Hurst The pressure paid off with Jamie against the top flight teams with a fix- thing in to the final third to get the Foreigners? Parker once again scoring a superb ture against Old Loughtonians on the win that we wanted. It was a superb reverse hit after a set piece from a free Sunday. Old Loughts are in the 35 minutes of hockey by the students, Interview hit at the top of the circle. Minutes National Premier league and are also with numerous short corners won and Page 23 later, the score line was doubled when one of the top teams in the country. continual pressure applied to Old