How the Conquering Trump Makes

The New Hampshire Gazette, Friday, December 9, 2016 — Page 1 First Class U.S. The New Hampshire Gazette Postage Paid A Non-Fiction Newspaper Vol. CCLXI, No. 6 The Nation’s Oldest Newspaper™ • Editor: Steven Fowle • Founded 1756 by Daniel Fowle Portsmouth, N.H. Permit No. 75 December 9, 2016 PO Box 756, Portsmouth, NH 03802 • [email protected] • www.nhgazette.com Address Service Requested Th e Fortnightly Rant Generally Speaking … on’t bother going to an au- self from hazardous duty. “It is a Ddiologist — that sound you dangerous world out there,” he hear coming from the Cabinet once told Howard Stern, during Room is just the medals rattling. a wide-ranging philosophical Our future Commander-in-Chief discussion about New York City is larding his cabinet with nightlife. Th e odds of acquir- star-laden former generals. ing sexually-transmitted diseases We shouldn’t be surprised. Like were “scary, like Vietnam …. It is much of the nation since the early my personal Vietnam. I feel like 1970s, he has a complex, curious, a great and very brave soldier.” and twisted relationship with mil- Judging from that comment, itary service. He’s not the only one Trump will be quite comfortable who’s over-compensating. integrating the military viewpoint His Own Private Vietnam into civil governance. Undisciplined and underpriv- It may take a while for the rest ileged adolescents of that era of us, though, to get used to hav- often found themselves in re- ing generals running parts of the form school. Th e undisciplined, government. After all, it’s been over-privileged Trump had a fa- more than forty years since we ther who sent him to the New turned national defense over to a York Military Academy. Trump permanent, professional military; has credited that experience with everyone who ever answered the having built his character. Maybe call of the Selective Service is now the Academy had achieved per- eligible to collect checks from So- fection, or maybe Trump decid- cial Security — provided that they ed too much character would be survived their war, of course. a fl aw; either way, at a time when Our Empire ’Tis of Th ee lives in defense of the nation’s Guardian in 2008. Th e reputation aphorisms, such as “Be polite, be Vietnam was off ering open en- It may sound strange, in a global market share is approxi- survived, though the city did not, professional, but have a plan to kill rollment in post-graduate charac- country that’s been constantly at mately equal to the number who inspiring the diplomat to call Pet- everybody you meet.” If Trump ter-building courses, Trump went war for fi fteen years, but just four- actually profi t from the empire raeus “the Tefl on General.” picked Mattis for his scholarship, to some lengths to avoid them. tenths of one percent of Ameri- they are defending. Th e nickname still seems to ap- the editor will eat a combat boot. Trump likes to claim that it was cans currently serve in uniform. Th e Tefl on General ply. Last year Petraeus pled guilty Retired Marine General John F. his high lottery number which Th at fi gure is an historical low for Th is may be why Trump wants to giving top secret information Kelly, a candidate for Secretary of saved him from the draft. As the the post WW II era, but higher General David Petraeus for Sec- to a woman with whom he was Homeland Security, ran the U.S. New York Times delicately put it than it was for most of our history. retary of State. Petraeus famously having an illicit aff air, and lying Southern Command for three last August, though, his “public Th e uptick seems to be a conse- “wrote the book” on counterinsur- to federal investigators. Th ough years. Th at actually makes him a statements about his draft experi- quence of the creation of the na- gency — which is what empires he did on purpose what Hillary logical choice — unless one ob- ence sometimes confl ict with his tional security state through the call their half of an asymmetrical Clinton only risked by accident, jects to the militarization of po- Selective Service records.” Th ose National Security Act of 1947. war. Asymmetrical wars are what no one is yelling “hang the bas- lice functions being carried out on records show four annual student While all the other manufac- happens when people get fed up tard.” If he wins Senate confi rma- a global scale. deferments, the fi rst in 1964, fol- turing nations in the world were with neocolonialism. tion, Petraeus would be the fi rst Army Lieutenant General Mi- lowed by a 1-Y medical deferment supine and enrubbled, America Another reason might be to Secretary of State to need permis- chael T. Flynn, with his paltry issued in October of 1968. Since factories were fi red up and ready pick up pointers from a master of sion from his probation offi cer to three stars, brings up the rear of the Selective Service called up to go. Using the Soviet Union as public relations. Th e alleged paci- leave the country. our parade of brass hats. Th e Na- 283,586 men in 1969, and the fi rst a convenient if improbable foil, fi cation of Mosul convinced the Blood, Guts, and Tin Foil Hats tional Security Advisor is a chron- draft lottery wasn’t held until De- American industrialists leaned press of Petraeus’ greatness — an Trump’s pick for Secretary of ic regurgitator of bogus news cember of that year, it’s safe to say on the government to make the accomplishment that disappeared Defense, Marine General James stories comparable to the one his 1-Y deferment may well have world safe for capitalism — which like the Cheshire cat. “[A]ll the Mattis, is a brilliant man who has which inspired a real-life dumb saved Trump’s life. You’d think he they decided to spell f-r-e-e- guys he was supposedly training spent his lifetime commanding guy with a gun to shoot up a D.C. could give it a little credit, just out d-o-m. Th e result is an even, in 2004 are nowhere to be seen men and studying military history pizza joint on Sunday afternoon. of gratitude. though gruesome, balance: the and Mosul basically collapsed af- so that their lives might be spent All this, already, and still six To be fair, our President Elect number of people who are con- ter he left,” a former U.S. diplomat as frugally as possible. He is also weeks to go before the inaugura- has not always exempted him- tractually obligated to risk their who had served in Iraq told the a fount of colorful, bloodthirsty tion. Th e Alleged News® Welcome to Stage Three he nation’s non-deplorables Neo-Anti-Federalism since then; apparently cranial ac- Since the South’s “peculiar in- ty, that the offi ce of President will Thave hit Stage Th ree of the One potential tack towards a tivity began to kick in once the stitution” was abolished more than never fall to the lot of any man Kübler-Ross grief model: with just Trump-free future would be to initial shock wore off . While the a century and a half ago, abolish- who is not in an eminent degree six weeks to go before President somehow negate the Elector- number of people horrifi ed by a ing the Electoral College now endowed with the requisite quali- Obama tosses the White House al College. Th e numbers make it Trump presidency is enormous, would provide a dose of poetic, if fi cations. Talents for low intrigue, keys to a thrice-married quadruple clear that there’s a case: Clinton the number who can imagine Re- tardy, justice. and the little arts of populari- bankrupt with funny hair and the beat Trump with 48.2 percent publican electors actually catering Speaking of “peculiar insti- ty, may alone suffi ce to elevate a attention span of a three-year-old, of the popular vote to his 46.2; to the wishes of a bunch of whiny tutions,” doesn’t that term seem man to the fi rst honors in a single disparate elements of the reali- Trump, though, clobbered Clin- liberals seems more limited. equally applicable to the Electoral State; but it will require other tal- ty-based community are bargaining ton with 56.88 percent of Elec- Time to Complete Abolition? College, itself? ents, and a diff erent kind of merit, left and right further left. toral College votes to her 43.12 Even disregarding the imme- Where’s the Return Counter? to establish him in the esteem and A lot of Clintonistas are fairly percent. diate emergency, several sound If the Founding Fathers were confi dence of the whole Union, excited because Hillary’s lead in Th is obvious disparity — on arguments can be made against still alive, and the Electoral Col- or of so considerable a portion of the popular vote has now grown top of Th e Horror — sparked an the Electoral College: good lege were a product, we could sue it as would be necessary to make to more than two percent. Th eir immediate and visceral anti-Elec- housekeeping, for example. Th e the old bastards for false advertis- him a successful candidate for the candidate appears to have van- toral reaction. In the fi rst four Electoral College was created ing. distinguished offi ce of President ished, but that doesn’t seem to days after the election, four mil- as bait nearly 230 years ago: a Alexander Hamilton — an of the United States.

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