G-d, a documentary by gay activist developing both identities. What’s Sandi DuBowski, about Jews from Yisrael more, many of these groups distort JustBetweenUs Orthodox backgrounds who have sources to advocate “homosexual activ- homosexual attractions. The subject of ity within the framework of halachah.” I became observant as a teenager. At a major international promotional A number of my clients have found the same time, I was becoming increas- campaign, the film has aroused consid- that these groups—which include a ingly aware that my strong attraction erable controversy not only because of variety of social networks and online to men was not a passing phase. Still, its subject matter but also because resources—serve as entries into the for me there was no question about the many of the rabbis interviewed feel wider gay culture, which is even more halachah….When I became observant, I Unsung Heroes by Adam Jessel they were misrepresented by gay-identified and gay-affirmative.4 accepted 613 mitzvot, not 612. DuBowski’s selective editing.1 When one denies the validity of a Hashem gave me this challenge. To its credit, the film poignantly cap- particular prohibition, or its applica- Why he did so, I don’t know, and in a Jewish men struggling with homosexual attractions must battle on two tures the torment of those torn between bility to him, by what measure can he sense it’s irrelevant. Hashem gave some their religious beliefs and their same-sex call himself Torah-observant—especial- people the desire to steal, but He also fronts—their own desires and a culture that devalues their struggle. attractions (SSA). One cannot help but ly if he proudly and publicly proclaims said don’t do it. He gave some people a feel compassion for DuBowski’s inter- that he engages in forbidden activities? desire for bloodshed, but expects them viewees who desperately miss the lifestyle, True, growth in Torah is a lifelong to elevate it. Hashem gave me this community and close family ties of the process, and people will invariably be challenge. So I ask myself, “What am In recent years, attitudes towards missed as unworthy of serious consid- Orthodox world. Unfortunately, at different levels, but one must strive I supposed to do with it?” homosexuality have changed dramati- eration or pounced upon as further DuBowski’s film goes further. Implicit to observe all the facets of the Torah. Mark The hardest part is the isolation, the cally. Not only is being gay increasing- evidence of heterosexist oppression. in the film is the message that a homo- While we may not hear about them as loneliness that I feel…having this dark ly considered avant-garde, but anyone Therefore, while major corporations in sexual lifestyle is desirable, and that the much, there are people with homosex- The struggle to overcome secret and not being able to tell anyone who suggests there is anything wrong the United States provide grants to interviewees’ only struggle is having ual attractions who put in considerable homosexuality has been long and because of the awful fear of rejection. with homosexual activity is likely to be gay-affirming campus programs in the their choices accepted and validated by and constant effort to resist the lure of difficult. In my desperation, I tried That’s what prevents me, and others condemned as a bigot. interest of “tolerance, diversity and the community. gay culture and behavior. Do they not many things that didn’t work, like myself, from seeking advice from The media has been flooded with gay inclusion,” these same companies The problem with Trembling is not deserve our compassion, support and including [converting to] Christianity rabbis and mentors. I’d like to get material. On television, for example, refuse to fund programs that provide so much what it shows as what it leaves respect? and marriage. Only during the past married, and am working toward there are currently two-dozen gay char- information about the options avail- out. Where are the stories of those who couple of years have things really that. I realize that this is not always acters, all portrayed in a positive light. able to those who don’t want to be gay. don’t act on their homosexual attrac- The Myth of the started to come together. possible…but having no family, no The reason for this, says well-known Gay activists have strived to normalize tions, those who feel that sexual desire Looking back, what proved most children…would leave an empty void. “Gay Identity” film critic Michael Medved, is that in homosexuality and promote gay cul- helpful was a twelve-step program, a is not a license to violate a Divine It’s natural for one to want to identi- Hollywood one is required to be gay ture. Their success is evident in the good therapist, intensive, specially- imperative? Aren’t their struggles pow- fy with a group. (This is especially true approving or else be labeled homopho- many legislative efforts underway to tailored therapy weekends and the erful and inspiring as well? Seemingly causes as well as intermarriage. Indeed, for those who, for a variety of reasons, bic, and the burden of proof that one is grant homosexual union the same legal [support of] other strugglers I met the liberal mantra of “diversity and assimilationists draw inspiration for may have felt different than, or reject- not homophobic rests with each indi- status as heterosexual marriage. That through JONAH [Jews Offering New inclusion” does not apply to those who their agenda from this Orthodox ed by, peers and significant others dur- vidual, forcing producers to promote gay activists have made inroads in the Alternatives to Homosexuality]. strive to adhere to the halachah. “rabbi” who proposed creating a “new ing early childhood.) For someone gay characters that are almost uniform- Jewish world is evident in the Reform Gradually, I developed a significant category between Jew and Gentile that with SSA, adopting a gay identity ly—and unrealistically—positive. movement’s ordination of open homo- attraction to women. Now, at age “Orthodox” Rabbi? will welcome a non-Jewish spouse helps fill this deep and legitimate need. On college campuses across North sexuals and sanction of same-sex 3 thirty-nine, I’m remarried—happily To make sure you get the message, without insisting on conversion.” However, the Torah does not define America, Jewish student organizations unions. While the Conservative move- so—and feel an overwhelming sense of whenever the film debuts in a new Justifying his indulgence in homo- a person by his sexual orientation. As routinely include gay contingents, and ment is still debating whether to ordain gratitude for my wife, for my kids and city, it is often accompanied by a panel sexual activity, he maintains that Rabbi Barry Freundel of Kesher Israel speakers at Holocaust-awareness events open homosexuals, some of its rabbis for all the ways in which I’ve grown. discussion that includes both halachah is subject to change. “I have Congregation in Washington, DC, denounce anti-Semitism, racism and officiate at same-sex commitment cere- DuBowski and a man who bills him- chosen to accept a certain risk and vio- points out, nowhere does the Torah homophobia in the same breath. In monies and the former rector of one of self as the “first openly gay Orthodox late the halachah as it is presently speak of homosexuals, only homosex- these so-called enlightened environ- its rabbinic seminaries has openly These “strugglers” must battle on two rabbi.” This “rabbi” made headlines articulated in the hope of a subse- ual behavior.5 There is no word in ments any suggestion that homosexual endorsed gay “marriages.” fronts; not only must they fight against when he publicly announced his quent, more accepting halachic expres- traditional Hebrew for a homosexual. activity is problematic is either dis- Seemingly, these movements embrace their own attractions, they must strug- homosexual orientation. He did this, sion,” he once stated. Thus, in the Torah view, a person the contemporary view that homosexu- gle against a zeitgeist that disparages he says, “in order to help the great may be defined as many things (i.e., a Adam Jessel ([email protected]) is a al inclinations are innate, irreversible their efforts as being futile at best, mis- number of people who are in distress The Traditional Response Jew, a Kohen, a minor, a mamzer, researcher and family therapist. He is a and morally neutral. Effectively pro- guided and harmful at worst. while dealing with their sexuality.” Similar to the “rabbi,” a lot of etcetera) but there is no separate cate- member of the National Association for the moted by gay activists, this view leaves Besides, “being in the closet was get- “Orthodox” support groups for Jews gory for homosexual. Research and Therapy of Homosexuality no room for the people with whom I Dissembling Before God ting in the way of finding a partner.”2 with SSA are not exactly Orthodox. Rabbi Joel Beasley elaborates on this (NARTH), and has published numerous work—in individual and group-therapy Within the Jewish world, the gay- While flaunting his ordination from Promoting the view that “you are gay in Jewish Spectator: research articles in scientific and medical sessions—who do not consider homo- affirmative view has gained consider- a known Orthodox institution, he just as you are Jewish,” they encourage As far as the Jewish religion goes, there journals. sexual activity to be a viable alternative. able credence from Trembling Before condones a range of non-Orthodox members to achieve fulfillment by are no homosexuals in the world, nor have Spring 5763/2003 JEWISH ACTION JEWISH ACTION Spring 5763/2003 there ever been. There are no heterosexuals something I am permitted to help him most powerful experiences for partici- himself not as a wife abuser or a worri- have an obligation to “listen to the change in multiple indicators of sexual either…From the Jewish perspective, iden- with. But if Bill has an unwanted pants is witnessing the successes of er but rather as a person with a prob- client,” and that the proposed policy orientation.” Lest Spitzer be suspected tifying existentially as a homosexual or a attraction to Fred himself, then it’s other group members. While success lem. By regarding himself as such, he would stifle further research.14 of being a homophobe, it was he who heterosexual is irrelevant….The words may regarded as unethical for me to help. may be defined in different ways, can become more self-confident, Recent studies have demonstrated spearheaded the 1973 removal of describe predilections or behavior, but they What’s more, the gay-affirmative inspiring stories of resistance, growth assume greater responsibility for his that many individuals have benefited homosexuality from the DSM. hardly capture the essence of the person.6 and change are not hard to find. behavior and come up with more greatly from therapy to reduce their Research such as this is important When the so-called Orthodox rabbi …nowhere does the Torah Why did DuBowski fail to see any effective techniques for change. SSA. In a paper presented at last year’s to strugglers because whether people traveled to Israel to be at last year’s gay success stories? Might it have dimin- But in recent years, GAT (Gay APA convention, Dr. Robert Spitzer, manage to control or even eliminate parade, he pronounced the blessing, speak of homosexuals, ished the sense of an inevitable gay Affirmative Therapy)—which focuses professor of psychiatry and chief of bio- their unwanted SSA depends on “Who has made me according to His only homosexual destiny? Might it have punctured the on helping clients become more metrics research at Columbia University, many factors, including the extent to will.” Our answer to him and his ilk is mystique of homosexuality, making his affirming of their homosexual feelings that He also created you to do accord- film less compelling? and identity—has become the domi- ing to His will. The Torah addresses all Yosef nant model within the psychological Shlomo of a human being’s desires, even those Suicide and the Homosexual community.10 In the American that are most difficult to control, for Psychological Association’s Handbook I am a single male who works for the to have a family. My disappointment grew I’m seventy years old and have been Often those who are not accepting the purpose of making one into a true of Counseling and Psychotherapy with local Jewish community. My many com- when a gay friend succeeded in changing married a long time. I just celebrated of homosexual behavior are accused of eved Hashem (servant of God). Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Clients, 11 mitments keep me busy, and I do not have his orientation and getting married. the marriage of my grandchild. I kept endangering the lives of people with there are a multitude of articles on much opportunity to socialize during the At some point I decided to live a celi- Shabbat when it was difficult. I SSA. The widespread belief is that by how to help clients become more week. I therefore look forward to going to bate life. Being celibate has not been easy, A Hostile Climate moved to Israel when it was difficult. not accepting homosexuality, society In 1973, as a result of changing openly gay, deal with homophobic friends’ homes for the Shabbat meals. but it has helped me develop deeper rela- So despite the difficulty, I wasn’t contributes to feelings of depression, mores and an extremely effective gay parents, etcetera, but articles on help- Yet, Shabbat is also a day when I feel tionships with men—both straight and about to give in to this challenge either. self-hatred and guilt in the homosexu- lobby, the American Psychiatric ing one overcome homosexuality are most alone. On some level, I sense that gay—on the soul level; these relationships I come to the support group because al, which in extreme cases can lead to Association (APA) removed homosexu- conspicuously absent and would prob- Shabbat is best experienced with are most meaningful on Shabbat. There I want to get a greater understanding suicide. While there is a certain irony ality from the Diagnostic and Statistical ably never be considered for inclusion. one’s spouse and children. is something about Shabbat that helps a of this lifelong struggle. I’ve also that in the age of AIDS discouraging Manual (DSM), its diagnostic list of The notion that someone with SSA It’s not that I prefer to remain single. person become more aware of the spiritu- discovered that I can play a role in homosexuality is considered to be mental disorders. Unfortunately, this would want to change is considered It’s just that I have never been physically al energy of those around him. counseling others. I think it’s much endangering lives, this is a concern resulted in funds for research on treat- the inevitable result of societal pressure attracted to women, only to men. I Given my life situation, Shabbat isn’t harder for young people now. The temp- that needs to be addressed. ment drying up. More recently, there and never that of personal choice. always wanted, however, to bring chil- always easy for me. Yet I realize that I tations are more open, more accessible. Studies do, in fact, indicate that there has been an intense effort to discredit is higher risk of suicidality, major depres- Even men who are married are advised dren into the world, and my strong sense cannot live without it. And I find and even eliminate therapies to assist view permeates graduate schools. Thus, sion, anxiety disorder, substance abuse that the only path to true self-fulfillment of Jewish identity contributed to this comfort in the words of Isaiah: clients in reducing their homosexual most mental health professionals who and other mental illnesses in the gay is through homosexuality. Typical is the desire. I grew up in a secular Jewish “Let not the stranger who has joined attractions. The climate in the mental graduated in the past fifteen years or so population.8 However, this in no way book Just Tell the Truth, in which Dr. home, but my parents felt a love and himself to Hashem speak, saying, ‘Hashem health community has become so hos- have never been exposed to the docu- proves the “homophobia theory” men- Terry Norman12 asserts that all married responsibility for the Jewish people and will utterly separate me from His people,’ tile to such treatment that even men- mented successes of those who have tioned above since the rate of these men- men with same-sex desires must leave encouraged me to learn about Jewish his- and let not the barren one say, ‘Behold I tioning it can lead to therapists being sought to change their sexual orienta- tal illnesses is higher for gay people even their wives and families and go through a tory and culture. When I discovered in am a shriveled tree.’ For thus said Hashem ostracized or blacklisted. tion; many such professionals therefore in societies considered gay-friendly.9 Yet prescribed series of steps (gay sexual my teens that I was gay, I went through to the barren ones who observe My A case in point: A therapist I know tend to dismiss the notion of change, even if we were to accept that homopho- exploration, an intimate relationship with a period of depression and withdrew Sabbaths and choose what I desire, and asked members of an online discussion responding in an almost reflexive man- bia can cause death, does that mean that another man, affiliation with the gay from Jewish activities. grasp My Covenant tightly: In My house group of mental health professionals ner. In Trembling Before G-d, the thera- we as a community should sanction an community and spiritual integration) in As an adult I reconnected with the and within My walls I will give them a for ideas to help a client reduce his pies to reduce SSA mentioned range outright Torah prohibition? People may order to achieve “orientational authentici- Jewish community through a religious study place of honor and renown, which is bet- SSA. The reaction against him was so from the ridiculous to the draconian— be driven to depression, violence or sui- ty” and maturity. group. I also tried, unsuccessfully, to change ter than sons and daughters; eternal virulent that the moderator had to step snapping oneself with a rubber band, cide as a result of being unable to fulfill a The APA maintains that therapy that my sexual orientation through therapy. I renown will I give them, which will never in and end the discussion (although the eating figs, electric shock treatments forbidden sexual desire, but does that aims to reduce SSA bears “great” psy- was disappointed that I would not be able be terminated” (Isaiah 56: 3-5). offending therapist did get a number and libido-controlling drugs. All the mean we must condone the act and chological risks since a therapist who is of private replies with suggestions and conventional tools of psychotherapy are abandon values and conscience? prejudiced against homosexuality “may presented a study of 200 men and which they regard change as possi- ideas). And yet this was a message ignored. Moreover, nothing worked. reinforce self-hatred already experienced women who had experienced a signifi- ble. Dutch psychiatrist Gerard van board that claimed to be devoted to There are no success stories, an omis- Making the Problem into by the patient.” Along with its counter- cant shift from homosexual to hetero- den Aardweg puts it bluntly, “Since therapy techniques that “honor the sion the filmmaker justifies by claiming part, the American Psychological sexual attraction and sustained that relatively few homosexuals seriously client’s wishes.”7 they were too hard to find. the Person Association, the APA has proposed shift for more than five years.15 At the try to change and few therapists In today’s climate, if Bill tells me that I run a group for men who want to An effective therapist will help her declaring it unethical for psychiatrists to time of the study, three-quarters of the encourage them to do so, the notion he is attracted to his neighbor Fred’s reduce their SSA, one of three such clients see themselves as being distinct participate in such therapy irrespective men and half of the women were mar- that homosexuality is irreversible is a young child and he wants to reduce groups in Jerusalem. It consists of peo- from their particular problems. Thus, of what the client wants. This proposal ried. Dr. Spitzer’s conclusion: “Contrary self-fulfilling prophecy. If nobody these attractions, I, as a therapist, can ple from diverse backgrounds—some a client who initially says, “I’m has been criticized by, among others, to conventional wisdom, some highly tries, nobody will succeed.... try to help him. If Bill has an unwanted single, some married—ranging in age depressed,” “I’m a wife abuser” or Dr. Robert Perloff, a past APA presi- motivated individuals, using a variety of Working on one’s self, let alone attraction to Fred’s wife, this too is from twenty to seventy. One of the “I’m a worrier,” will come to regard dent,13 who argues that psychologists change efforts, can make substantial fighting one’s undesirable, self-cen-
Spring 5763/2003 JEWISH ACTION JEWISH ACTION Spring 5763/2003 tered habits and attachments is not a establishment. Last year several arti- Jew, he would have seen no choice but rent strugglers—can not only enable adding that “we celebrate lesbian, gay, report of the results of this study was popular issue in our permissive and cles on the subject appeared in to remain celibate. Given that I have people to overcome their SSA but can bisexual and transgender choices and presented at the annual meeting of the overindulgent age.... The specious American Psychological Association met men with SSA who have been in ultimately become a force in helping lifestyles.” American Psychiatric Association, 9 exhortation ‘accept yourself’ publications. One article argued in good marriages for decades, it would to defy the societal enthusiasm 8. See, e.g., the October 1999 issue May 2001 in New Orleans, LA. becomes tantamount to surrender to favor of providing reorientation thera- have been misguided to deny my towards homosexuality. of Archives of General Psychiatry, which 16. Homosexuality and Hope: A immaturity on the one hand and py,20 while another—a study of for- client the option to marry. Controlling behavior, especially devoted five articles to the subject. Psychologist Talks About Treatment and repression of one’s ‘better me’ on the mer gays— found that not only is At the same time, we should be when difficult, is precisely what the 9. For a discussion of possible causes Change (Ann Arbor, MI, 1986), 105-6. other.... The alternative—to work on changing sexual orientation quite real- wary of building false hopes, and we Torah asks of its adherents. For a Jew, of the high incidence of mental illnesses 17. Vamps and Tramps: New Essays yourself—is more difficult, but it is istic for many people, but also that a must be sympathetic to those who the struggle to overcome one’s drives among homosexuals, see N.E. Whitehead’s (New York, 1994), 70-72. the only way to inner happiness and majority of those who participated in feel that change is too difficult. In imbues one’s life with meaning.24 JA article, “Homosexuality and Mental 18. Claudia Dreifus, “Exploring What peace of mind.”16 reorientation therapy felt that their the words of Rabbi Sam Rosenberg, Health Problems,” available at Makes Us Male or Female,” The New York Several studies have been carried experiences were positive and helpful.21 a New Jersey-based family therapist Notes
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