I I Dull, dumb 3-D

i) film disappoints ** I David DiCerto/CNS the OSS when his big sister, Carmen NEW YORK — "Spy.Kids 3-D: (Alexa Vega) is captured while on as­ £ Game Over" (Dimension) is, as ad­ signment to hack into and shut down o vertised, 3-D — those three D's be­ a dangerous video game which con­ o ing, dull, dumb and disappointing. trols the consciousness of any child Director Robert Rodriguez scored who plays it, the dastardly handi­ big in 2001 with the original "Spy work of the evil mastermind, Toy- DO Kids," then stutter-stepped in 2002 maker (Sylvester Stallone). < with the less-than-impressive se­ Ricardo Montalban is Juni's > : quel, "Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost wheelchair-bound grandfather. Dimension Films/CNS Z : Dreams," and has fallen flat on its There are brief cameos by the adult Ryan Pinkston stars in the movie "Spy Kids 3D: Game Over." sprockets with the third installment. Cortez couple, Antonio Banderas The first cleverly married imagi­ and Carla Gugino, as well as by char­ by a preordained addictive video native special effects to a smart, en­ acters from the two previous films. game marketed at youngsters. o MovieReviews CxL tertaining story which did not insult Sadly, the 3-D environment is pop- One hopes "Spy Kids 3-D: Game young viewers' intelligence. The se­ ulatedby one-dimensional charac­ Over" will live up to its title and tru­ cret of its appeal was that it resisted ters. Stallone is the sole exception, ly signal the end of the line for this tality and preachy tone. • 0 the temptation to put the visual cart playing several different loony char­ franchise — but that's highly doubt­ Due to some menace and some Q before the narrative horse. This acters — splintered personalities of ful. Can you say "Spy Kids: Reboot?" mild action sequences, the USCCB time around the narrative horse is the schizophrenic Toymaker — with "Spy Kids 3-D" imparts a positive Office for Film & Broadcasting clas­ nowhere to be found — not even as glee. If you are going to embarrass message about the importance of sification is A-II — adults and ado­ 3 o glue to hold together the threadbare yourself, you might as well have a family, clearly condemning venge­ lescents. The Motion Picture Asso­ U plot. The filmmaker jettisons story good time while doing it. ance and extolling forgiveness. It al­ ciation of America rating is PG — in favor of gimmicky, fun-house In an ironic twist, the film, which so touches on human-dignity issues parental guidance suggested. o tricks, the sign of a sagging series. sets out to save kids from a sinister- involving the grandfather's handi­ U Young Juni Cortez (Daryl Sahara) ly addictive video game, itself takes cap. However, these laudable senti­ DiCerto is on the staff of the Office is running a private-eye operation. on the visual tone of a video game — ments are consistently undermined for Film & Broadcasting of the U.S. I He is recruited back into service by and will without doubt be followed by the film's saccharine sentimen- Conference of Catholic Bishops. Bad acting, script make 'Gigli' a waste of time David. DiCerto/CNS nap the mentally handicapped kid ing of Bogey and Bacall — or, for Beneath the banality of the offen­ brother (Justin Bartha) of a federal that matter, even Lisa-Marie Pres­ sive sexual banter which pervades I NEW YORK — A two-bit hood prosecutor, in the hopes of strong- ley and Michael Jackson. In fact the much of the dialogue is a more in­ i falls for the curvaceous female mob arming the feds into dropping an in­ Jen-Ben pairing generates about as sidious denial of objective moral 1 enforcer contracted to assist him in vestigation against a mob associate many sparks as matches in a mon­ norms concerning sexual intimacy. I a high-level kidnapping only to dis- back East. Aware of his stooge's soon. The scant flames ignited on Brest seems to suggest that sexual­ f cover that she is gay in the leaden habit of screwing up jobs, Louis screen are thoroughly extinguished ity is merely a malleable social con­ romantic eomedy "Gigli" (Colum­ hires some insurance muscle in the by the utter inanity of the bone- struct — illustrated by Ricki's waf­ bia). person of Ricki (Jennifer Lopez), a headed script. fling proclivities. The film's moral As the eponymous thug played by gorgeous lesbian who practices The film's tone is never estab­ relativism is summed up by Gigli's Ben Affleck is quick to clarify, tantric yoga and spouts Zen apho­ lished, seesawing awkwardly be­ mother (Lainie Kazan), who, shrug­ "Gigli rhymes with really" — as in risms. tween comedy and melodrama. Af­ ging off Ricki's homosexuality, really poorly written, really badly That's the set-up. Of course, given fleck, a rabid, . card-carrying states, "Life is not always black and acted, really a waste of your time. the hype generated by the off­ member of the Red Sox nation, white" — in other words, there is no Academy members may recon­ screen romance of the stars, the re­ seems about as comfortable in his objective morality, only subjective sider the Oscar they awarded direc­ al purpose of the afterthought plot is role as he would in Yankee pin­ shades of gray. tor Martin Brest in 1992 for "Scent simply to allow ample time for the stripes. His faux-fugeddaboutit fa­ In "Gigli," Lopez has hit new J- ' of a Woman" after they get a whiff most written-about couple since cade feels forced, amounting to lit­ lows. If her next pairing with Af­ | of this stinker. Brest, who should be Adam and Eve to sizzle on screen tle more than a really bad fleck in the soon to be released "Jer­ brought up on double charges since and show off their preternatural impersonation of Robert De Niro — sey Girl" is anything like this he also received a writing credit, is good looks. or a halfway decent one of comedi­ clunker, she may be known as Jenny j quite possibly responsible for deliv- In between cooing glances, Gigli an Andrew Dice Clay. Lopez's per­ from the schlock. I ering the biggest bomb since the finds himself falling in love with formance proves that a lot of ego Due to a sexual encounter, exces­ | Enola Gay. Ricki, only to be left licking his can be squeezed into very tight out­ sive sexually explicit and rough lan­ i To make a dumb story short, Af- wounds when he learns that they fits. The other cast members are guage, as well as profanity and brief | fleck plays Larry Gigli, a West Coast both order their sexual entrees one-note plot-placeholders; they in­ strong violence, the USCCB Office i bush-league leg-breaker who really from the same menu column. The clude Bartha doing a lame parody of for Film & Broadcasting classifica­ j doesn't have the stomach for his film's harebrained ending reverses Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man" and tion is 0 — morally offensive. The [ chosen line of work. Underneath his much of what preceded it, and Al Pacino doing a dead-on parody of Motion Picture Association of I slickly coifed hair and goomba should stoke the embers of the "na­ himself. America rating is R — restricted. j bravura is a sensitive guy searching ture" vs. "nurture" debate concern­ On a much more disturbing level, | for more than his Soprano-lite, dead- ing homosexuality. the narrative is fueled by a warped DiCerto is on the staff of the Office [ end existence. His boss, Louis Despite all the ballyhoo, Affleck view of sexuality inconsistent with for Film & Broadcasting of the U.S. • (Lenny Venito), assigns Gigli-to kid­ and Lopez are not the second com­ Catholic teachings xm the subject. Conference of Catholic Bishops.