BC’s Mental Health and Substance Use Journal

visionsVol. 14 No. 3 2019 and social connection writing through loneliness looking beyond differences to end adolescent social visions Published quarterly, Visions is a national award-winning journal that provides a forum for the voices of people experiencing a mental health or substance use problem, their and friends, and service providers in BC. It creates a place where many perspectives on mental health and addictions issues can be heard. Visions is produced by the BC Partners for Mental Health and Substance Use Information and funded by BC Mental Health and Substance Use Services, a program of the Provincial Health Services Authority.

editorial board Representatives from each BC Partners member agency, guest editor, and external members Jennifer Alsop, Kristy Bjarnason, Susannah Church, Stacie Weich editor-in-chief Sarah Hamid-Balma substantive editor Jillian Shoichet layout Justyna Krol issn 1490-2494

subscriptions and advertising Subscriptions to Visions are free to anyone in British Columbia, Canada. For those outside BC, subscriptions are $25 (Cdn) for four issues. Visions electronic subscriptions and back issues are available for free at www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions. Advertising rates and deadlines are also online.

bc partners and heretohelp HeretoHelp is a project of the BC Partners for Mental Health and Substance Use Information. The BC Partners are a group of non-profit agencies working together to help people improve their quality of life by providing good-quality information on mental health, mental illness and substance use. We represent Canada, BC Schizophrenia Society, Canadian Mental Health Association’s BC Division, Canadian Institute for Substance Use Research, Institute of for Child and Youth Mental footnotes reminder Health, Jessie’s Legacy eating disorders prevention and awareness (a Family Services If you see a superscripted number in an article, that of the North Shore program), and the Mood Disorders Association of BC (a branch means there is a footnote attached to that point. of Lookout Housing and Health Society). BC Partners work is funded by BC Mental In most cases, this is a bibliographic reference. For Health and Substance Use Services, a program of the Provincial Health Services complete footnotes, see the online version of each Authority. Visit us at www.heretohelp.bc.ca. article at www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions. photography disclaimer: Photographs used for Visions are stock photographs only. Unless clearly captioned with a descriptive sentence, they are not intended to depict the writer of an article or any other individual in the article. we want your feedback!

If you have a comment about something you’ve read in Visions that The opinions expressed in this journal are those of the writers and do not necessarily you’d like to share, please email us at reflect the views of the member agencies of the BC Partners for Mental Health and [email protected], or you can Substance Use Information or any of their branch offices.

mail or fax us at the address to the right. Cover art: Svetlana Aganina and Paladjai at ©iStockphoto.com Letters should be no longer than 200 Pg 3 artwork: OgnjenO at ©iStockphoto.com words and may be edited for length and/or clarity. Please include your name and city of residence. All letters are read. contact us Your likelihood of being published will depend on the number of submissions mail c/o 905 - 1130 West Pender Street, we receive. For full guidelines, please Vancouver, BC V6E 4A4 phone 1-800-661-2121 or 604-669-7600 visit www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions fax 604-688-3236 email [email protected] twitter @heretohelpbc visions background 4 Editor’s Message Sarah Hamid-Balma 5 We Are Not Alone, We Are Part of the Majority: We are all lonely sometimes Ami Rokach experiences and 8 How I Thrive Socially in the Midst of Living with a Mood Disorder perspectives Kathy 11 , Loneliness and the Journey Towards Recovery: A young adult’s perspective on social connectedness Alberto Almeida 14 Loneliness: A dark abyss Jane 16 Quest for Connection: How a nearly deadly battle against isolation and depression resulted in a stronger me Liberty Aronoff 20 Falling into the Depths of Loneliness: And finding my way back out again Jay 24 Writing Through Loneliness: How alcohol isolated me but sobriety liberated me Tabitha Montgomery 27 Filling the Loneliness Void: Belonging and in a criminal world James Charman alternatives and 31 Looking Beyond Differences to End Adolescent : How a student-led non-profit has inspired a global movement approaches Laura Talmus 34 How the Built Environment Shapes our Classroom Experience Gal Kramer 35 Now There Is Someone to Call On: Organizations use a collective approach to connect with isolated seniors Mariam Larson 37 Connecting Generations: How a seniors care centre and a child care centre are combating loneliness and building community in Toronto Robert Petrushewsky and Rafelina Loschiavo 39 Beyond Loneliness: Building strong community through meaningful conversation Amie Peacock 42 On the Table: Vancouver Foundation celebrates community by connecting with BC residents over a meal and conversation Trina Prior 44 resources

2019 Vol. 14 No. 3 VISIONS 3 editor’s message letter to the editor The way a baby is soothed by voice and touch. The way ‘mirror neurons’ in our brain apparently prod us to feel things that we just I want to say a big thank you for such a witnessed someone else feel or do. The way tickling and laughing are wonderful issue []. I read this issue pretty hard to do without other humans involved. Never : We cover to cover, as it hit home in several ways. I are still tribal. At our very core, humans are designed to be connected, am a nurse at a public health unit. I am a mom loved, accepted and needed. with a child who is living the substance use/ rehab rollercoaster life. I have another child Several of our previous issues have been culminating in a way toward who has a physical condition and mental health this theme. You will find currents of loneliness and belonging running issues who is struggling to find relief and through recent issues on gambling/gaming, language, opioids, self- control. I have friends and family who struggle injury, stigma—the list goes on. And no there: Social discon- to understand the situations. My brave mom nect is both a potential risk factor and consequence of mental health has suffered for years with chronic, debilitating and substance use problems. You know, we talk a lot about financial pain. I have struggled to advocate for effective, poverty but social poverty is just as profound. safe pain control against of ‘addiction’ by physicians mindful of the dangers of long-term Yet the thing is, like or anxiety, loneliness is normal. We all use. experience it from time to time and in small doses it’s useful because it Health care providers still need to learn that tells us something. Just like anger tells us something’s wrong or unjust this type of pain needs to have some relief, as all and can spur us to solve a problem, loneliness is telling us that we’re the cognitive, and non-narcotic routes of pain not getting what we need from our relationships. Still, unlike a host of control may not be effective in some cases. Pain we have no problems talking about, there is a lot of stigma is a very individualized journey. We must pair and surrounding loneliness. Few people find it easy to admit knowledge with and realize people they are lonely. It feels like failure or weakness to do so. respond differently to treatments. I think Western culture has something to do with it. We live in a society Be respectful. Don’t judge and assume. It is that values independence, self-sufficiency, , popularity— easy to say ‘I never would use drugs,’ when we heck, we even count and display ‘likes’ on social media. Yet loneliness are not in excruciating pain, have not suffered is a vulnerable state as it signals that we probably need to share more of abuse, nor lived with trauma or PTSD. ‘There ourselves to get the connections we want, but we may we are not, but for the grace of God, go I’ was a wise tip well, likeable. Then, fear of rejection may cause us to withdraw. But as from my grandmother. I’ve learned to look at a quote I once read about loneliness reminds: “We sometimes think we people with the lens ‘What happened to you?’ want to disappear, but what we really want is to be found.” instead of ‘What’s wrong with you?’ Thank you to Al Fowler, Farren, John Hilderley, There is good news: Being socially connected is associated with a Sherry Robinson, Andrew Koster, and Astrid for 50% reduced risk of early death1 and the quantity and quality of our the it took to put your personal stories relationships is something we can change. This publication won’t solve on paper to share with others who need to use our society’s plague of social disconnect but I , like usual, it helps the new lens. Thank you to the researchers who shine a light and that reading the stories helps you feel a little less document real-time history and keep searching alone and a little more hopeful. for a balance to help those who suffer either mental or physical pain. All I can say is a very heartfelt thank you. It helps. —Heidi Beckerleg, RN, Chilliwack Sarah Hamid-Balma Sarah is Visions Editor and Director of Mental Health Promotion at the Canadian Mental Health Association’s BC Division

4 VISIONS Vol. 14 No. 3 2019 We Are Not Alone, We Are Part of the Majority WE ARE ALL LONELY SOMETIMES

Ami Rokach, PhD

Throughout history, the human condition of loneliness has captured the imagination of philoso- phers, storytellers, artists, medical practitioners, social commentators and scientists. Today, loneli- ness is such a common human experience that we could even call it a 21st-century epidemic.

Dr. Rokach is a clinical psychologist with 40 years of experience combining teaching, research and therapy. Ami teaches in the psychology departments at York University in Toronto and the Center for Academic Studies in Israel. He is Executive Editor of the Journal of Psychology: Interdisciplinary and Applied. Ami’s therapeutic and research interests include loneliness, anxiety, human sexuality and management. Ami is the author of Loneliness, and All That’s Between (Nova, 2013)

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Despite differences in language, loneliness on the health and well-being culture and socioeconomic prosperity, of the human population. Consider, for all human beings are similar in example, UK prime minister Theresa fundamental ways. We all yearn for May’s recent (2018) appointment of love, acceptance and understanding. Tracey Crouch as the new UK minister People need intimacy, warmth, a sense for loneliness.1 of self-worth and frequent confirmation that they are of value to others. Lack of Unfortunately, loneliness is socially meaningful human contact is so painful stigmatized, especially in the Western that people will go to great lengths to world. This means we are less likely fulfill their need for it. to talk about loneliness as a condition that affects the human population as a Recently, we have begun to recognize whole, and more likely to suffer with the largescale, widespread impact of our individually. Fearing the

2019 Vol. 14 No. 3 VISIONS 5 background

and consistently exercise our ability to remain part of a community.

Loneliness is not simply the condition of being geographically alone (although someone who is lonely may also be geographically isolated). Loneliness is the condition of alone—feeling disconnected from others, feeling that no one cares, as if one is not part of a social or familial network. The feeling of loneliness can be present even if we know, Photo credit: NicolasMcComber at ©iStockphoto.com intellectually, that people do care and that we are part of a social and familial community. We can think of loneliness as our natural alarm system, designed to warn us when something Loneliness is part of being human—a painful and frightening condition integral to our health and well-being is missing or in that impacts our emotional and dire need of correction—namely, our relationships physical well-being. The key to with other people and our opportunities for love, combating loneliness is to increase our opportunities for meaningful human connection and support. social connections—whether these connections happen in the physical or virtual world.

stigma, those of us who feel isolated Those of us who experience loneliness While loneliness is a universal and alienated tend to avoid the frequently may continue our everyday experience, it is also a subjective one: realization that we are lonely, or we try activities as usual but carry our pain we all feel it differently. Loneliness can to seek support from others, both of around with us, feeling disconnected be temporary, a feeling brought on by which often result in the deepening of from others, intensely alone, sometimes the death of a loved one, a romantic the loneliness we feel. even terrified. separation or the sense of being socially unwelcome. Yet for some of Some of us might whether What is loneliness? us, loneliness can be continuous. It we are lonely because we are difficult We can think of loneliness as our natural can be a chronic condition brought to befriend, or whether an innate alarm system, designed to warn us when on by significant events in childhood personal quality makes us undesirable something integral to our health and or other experiences, or it may be companions or “losers.” We might well-being is missing or in dire need of inherent and not triggered by external that those who spend time correction—namely, our relationships circumstances at all. with us will be branded as losers as with other people and our opportunities well. Others might struggle to make for love, human connection and Loneliness is particularly painful meaningful human connections in support. It is imperative that we realize, when we are surrounded by others a world that is increasingly busy constantly, that we cannot operate, but still do not feel a connection with and in which social opportunities succeed or survive on our own. As them. Some of the most painfully acute are increasingly circumscribed and human beings, we are programmed to loneliness can occur in our romantic often digital rather than face-to-face. be a part of a group; we need to develop relationships. In this case, loneliness

6 VISIONS Vol. 14 No.3 2019 for footnotes go to www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions can result in alienation from the those who simply observe what other individuality, success and beauty, one we love—even in a relationship people post on social media.5,6 than in collectivistic cultures such as that was begun with the intention of those of the Islamic religions and some connecting with another person. When There are several factors that increase African countries, which emphasize that happens, it can be heartbreaking. the likelihood that we will experience group and family relationships. loneliness. Our risk of continuous Modern-day loneliness: Risk factors or chronic loneliness increases if we In the West, as our wealth and and wider health implications are naturally aggressive, shy or have leisure time increase, and as we Loneliness, which differs from difficulty being assertive, if we come continue to make advances in digital (that is, being alone because from a family that isn’t loving or communications technology, we risk we choose to), is always painful and supportive or if we live on the margins becoming more and more isolated never voluntary, and can trigger a of society, perhaps in poverty or with from each other as more and more host of other physical and emotional chronic illness. of our interactions are virtual rather reactions. Research shows that than face-to-face. If we experience this loneliness is correlated with illness Various other factors increase our increased isolation as loneliness, we and slower recovery from illness, high risk of reactive, temporary loneliness. are likely to experience other mental blood pressure, sleep disturbance, low Age is one of these. Young adults and physical health problems as well.2-4 self-esteem, substance use problems, from the ages of 18 to 26 experience criminal activity, depression, loneliness most.7,8 Seniors aged 80 and If and when we feel we are neglected, dementia, even early mortality, among older, who have often suffered losses forgotten or not important to others, other conditions.2-4 in health, partners and friends, are rather than avoiding this feeling or next at risk for loneliness. In the past, fearing the social stigma we will At the end of the 20th century, many doubted that children could experience if we share our feelings, advancements in technology promised experience loneliness. Today we know I believe that we need to heed this a more “connected” world. Digital that children can and do experience natural alarm and address our communications technology such as loneliness. They can describe their emotional needs as a serious health email and cell phones, the launch of feelings and may show behaviours matter. Especially at times like this, it is the Internet and various social media consistent with depression, social important to take a proactive approach: platforms fostered the growth of a withdrawal and , often find a good friend, deepen a global social community. Yet while without knowing how to clearly with an acquaintance, join a group of our capacity to communicate on express their pain.9,10 people who share like interests and a superficial level with our fellow actively work to live in community. v human beings has increased, our level Gender plays a role as well. While of loneliness has not decreased. With men and women both experience all our increased “connectedness,” we loneliness, women seem more capable still experience loneliness. We may of expressing their pain and longing, have 100 friends on Facebook, for while men tend to deny that they are, example, but many of them can’t offer indeed, lonely.10 Other factors that us a physical hug when we need one. seem to our loneliness are sexual orientation, family and community The nature of our communications dynamics, substance use, mental illness with each other—whether we and physical health and capacity. communicate in person or digitally— affects how we feel. Research shows In general, people experience that those who actively share their life loneliness to a greater extent in experiences on social media platforms individualistic cultures, which feel less lonely and disconnected than emphasize the importance of

2019 Vol. 14 No. 3 VISIONS 7 experiences + perspectives How I Thrive Socially in the Midst of Living with a Mood Disorder

Kathy

Loneliness and the for human connection is something we all experience at some point in our lives. However, for a person living with a mood disorder, feeling lonely and wanting social connected- ness is common.

Kathy lives in the Lower Mainland. She enjoys time with others, her volunteer work and her hobbies, which include photography, reading, writing, art projects and Aquafit. She is passionate about helping others achieve their potential and receive the care they need. She believes in the power of the human spirit

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I live with a mood disorder, and Accepting limitation in my life for me, feeling lonely and craving Because of my mood disorder, I live a social connection has been true more very ordered and regimented life; I’ve often than not. But living a healthy learned that doing so helps me stay life when you have a mood disorder well. I eat at regular times, I pace my also limits how you can make social activities and I make sure to get enough connections—for many reasons. I’ve consistent sleep. This limits what I can learned a few tricks over the years, do, especially socially. and I hope my experience will be helpful to readers who face similar I am naturally an introvert. While I like challenges. to be social, I’m only social to a point. I

8 VISIONS Vol. 14 No. 3 2019 for footnotes go to www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions need alone time to re-charge and focus. I prefer one-on-one or small-group interactions. Sometimes it frustrates me that I don’t have a lot of energy in the evening, as this is when I also have financial limitations. I am many social activities take place. on permanent long-term disability (LTD) from my profession in a health care–related field. My illness can be unpredictable and complex, which is why I cannot work. Being on LTD Sometimes it frustrates me that I don’t My practitioners treat me as a human limits my income, which limits my have a lot of energy in the evening, as being with unique strengths, which is ability to engage in certain social this is when many social activities take not always the case for those of us with activities with friends and in other place. This means I cannot participate mental health conditions. areas of my life. In the past when in as many activities as I would like, I’ve been unwell, I have accumulated but I have learned to work within my Attending church services and debt—something I am not proud of. I limits, and people who know me well activities is another way I connect to am still paying this debt off, and this understand this and make plans with people, God and the world. Being with contributes to my overall stress and me during the times that work for me. my friends and meeting new people limits my financial freedom. is very meaningful. It strengthens Another way that I combat loneliness my inner being and leads me to new When I first meet new people, I is by attending a retreat centre for four discoveries about myself and others. usually don’t tell them about my mood or five days at a time. My retreat centre Recently, I began attending the church disorder. Bipolar disorder 1 is still is Christian-based and allows me to that many of my friends go to, where socially stigmatized, and like most focus on personal, creative projects in I have been embraced and accepted human beings, I have a yearning for an atmosphere that is welcoming and despite my illness, which has made a social acceptance. I like people to get to supportive but not socially taxing. world of difference. I have even been know me for my positive qualities, the Going on retreat has become part of asked to contribute to the church’s new real me, without the fact of my illness my life routine. I enjoy the solitude— health newsletter, on mental health clouding their judgement. connecting with myself without feeling and wellness themes. lonely—and each time I go, I have a Overcoming limitation different, powerful experience. But I Volunteering has also become an Over time, I have found ways to have to budget carefully in order to important part of my life and helps remain socially connected to others, make it happen. me combat loneliness. Currently, I despite my limitations. When I am volunteer with a few organizations well, I have most of my energy from When I feel lonely at home, I do in the mental health field, providing the morning until late afternoon, so I my best to distract myself in simple education support for professionals plan my activities to take advantage of ways: sometimes I go for a drive or and doing community outreach and this natural energy cycle. go grocery shopping, or I visit with public presentations, with the aim select friends. I also get support from of advocating for improved access I also have to take medication around my medical professionals. I turn to mental health care services. While the same time each evening, which my appointment days into outings. some of my volunteer work is done increases my fatigue at the end of the Meeting with these people gives me through email, I still feel connected day. Taking the medication later isn’t the opportunity to discuss honestly with my colleagues and valued for really an option, because doing so how I am doing and what I need, any the work I do. I have received positive increases the possibility of a hangover symptoms I may be having and strate- feedback and ongoing support, and effect, which interferes with the gies to manage my life in a positive I believe my volunteering is contrib- following day’s activities. way, and new research developments. uting to my wellness.

2019 Vol. 14 No. 3 VISIONS 9 experiences + perspectives

Continuing to live well despite challenges Being in an acute phase of my illness is still challenging. When my mood is low, my body feels heavy and I do not have much desire to engage with the world, no matter what the time of day. This is when I have to push myself very hard to be social, usually selectively social. It is often difficult, but I try my best. At times like this, I find it particularly difficult to connect with those of my friends who don’t yet know about my illness. At the same time, the continuing stigma of mental illness keeps me from sharing my struggles with my entire social

circle. That is why I really cherish the Photo credit: asiseeit at ©iStockphoto.com understanding and support of those who do know of my illness and who continue to value my time and my friendship. My illness doesn’t define me and I am a productive member of society. I enjoy my Being in an “up” mood frequently volunteer work and do not miss my professional comes with its own challenges. career the way I used to. I have the support of Sometimes I am overly friendly, and sometimes I am agitated and can’t sit my medical professionals, family and friends near still. I may talk too quickly, or spend and far and my young adult godson. too much money or have thoughts of self-importance. I am also very energetic. Sometimes my feelings are so powerful that the energy seems As I write this today, I have been like it could leak out of the edges well overall for several months. My of my body. But I have learned to illness doesn’t define me and I am a recognize these symptoms as part of productive member of society. I enjoy the rhythm of bipolar disorder, and my volunteer work and do not miss I have developed ways to address my professional career the way I used them. Sometimes I seek medical help, to. I have the support of my medical and sometimes I simply withdraw professionals, family and friends near from social interactions until my and far and my young adult godson. mood settles. My illness tends to This is truly a blessing and makes be most challenging in the fall and a difference in my life. With some winter months, so I’m always more personal persistence and support alert to mood changes at this time of from others, people with mental year. I focus on appreciating the days health conditions can thrive socially, when I am well and being grateful for despite any limitations they may medical intervention when I need it. have. It is possible! v

10 VISIONS Vol. 14 No. 3 2019 for footnotes go to www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions Depression, Loneliness and the Journey Towards Recovery A YOUNG ADULT’S PERSPECTIVE ON SOCIAL CONNECTEDNESS

Alberto Almeida

“The brain responds to depression as it does to any other illness, directing us to avoid activity— especially social activity—so that the body can focus on simply getting well …. But there is one crucial difference: With the flu, such withdrawal symptoms help promote recovery—with depression, it only makes things worse. So, even though depressed patients feel—right down to the core of their being—that pulling away from others is going to help, that is only because their brain has been misled. In effect, depression tricks the brain into thinking it is something akin to an infectious illness that needs to be fought.”1

Alberto is the Health Literacy Project Manager at FamilySmart®. He lives, works and enjoys life on the unceded traditional territories of the Musqueam, Squamish and Tsleil-Waututh First Nations (Vancouver, BC). His interests are in mental health promotion, cooking, running and Muay Thai (Thai boxing)

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When I first read these lines seven when I felt that even though I loved years ago, they resonated with me socializing and making others laugh, so strongly that I was never able to voluntarily isolating myself from forget them. At that time, I was in friends and family was a necessity for the midst of an eight-year journey my recovery and survival. through depression, which to this day still feels like the loneliest road I could My fear of letting others in was ampli- ever have travelled. It was a time fied by my fear of being stigmatized

2019 Vol. 14 No. 3 VISIONS 11 experiences + perspectives

feeling that I no longer had the skills to form meaningful relationships—when everyone else around me made it look so easy—reinforced the idea that loneliness equated my survival.

The stress of moving to a new city—which in my case meant leaving behind my family and friends in Toronto to pursue another degree in Vancouver at the age of 28—also proved terrifying. I worried whether I would ever find a community or make the connections that I longed for. I knew that forging new friend- ships and creating strong social bonds was supposed to be fun. Although I

Photo credit: Aldo Murillo at ©iStockphoto.com believed that, my sense of enjoyment was never great enough to shake the feelings of anxiety that came with making those new social connections. I knew that forging new and creating strong social bonds was supposed to be fun. At that time, I never really knew Although I believed that, my sense of enjoyment whom I could share my challenges was never great enough to shake the feelings of with, or how my new acquaintances would react to my story. Luckily, I anxiety that came with making those new social found my partner at that time and felt connections. incredibly fortunate to feel genuinely cared for and not judged negatively for my experiences. She showed me why letting others in was one of the for being different. It also felt oddly time in my life—and I grew comfort- best decisions I’ve ever made—it gave considerate to separate myself from my able with having my ability to socialize me the opportunity to meet one of the loved ones while living under the same slowly slip away. kindest, most remarkable individuals I roof as them, to put up figurative brick could’ve ever met. walls in order to stop them from seeing My experience of loneliness as a young my constant, inexplicable . In adult was often influenced by my Once school finished and I started my head, the safest bet for me was to environment. For example, the stresses working in health care, I came across lock myself in my bedroom, ruminate of university were compounded by an article that focused on the differ- for hours in an attempt to understand the pressures of being the child of a ence between loneliness and solitude. why I was the way that I was, tell single immigrant mother, who would The author wrote that loneliness is myself to cry it all out and then play it tell me heart-wrenching stories about a combination of self-alienation—or off as if I felt fine, with a set of excuses how she had to flee her home in search feeling separated from one’s core iden- ready to go. I didn’t want my indescrib- of safety and a better future for me tity—and a sense of social isolation. able feelings to affect the people I cared and my siblings. This, along with It is often accompanied by feelings of about. My state of loneliness felt not mounting student loans, the constant physical and emotional distress and only warranted but necessary at that side effects of antidepressants and the pain.2 This description made all my

12 VISIONS Vol. 14 No. 3 2019 for footnotes go to www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions feelings of loneliness flood back. I the “lonely path”—whether it be the The path towards wellness and recognized this as exactly what I felt road towards recovery from a mental connectedness is different for when I was going through my own health challenge or any other life everyone. It is natural to take some mental health challenges. challenge that comes to mind—doesn’t time for yourself, laugh along the way, have to be so lonely after all. For me, spend time with people you enjoy and However, the author also wrote that the keys to recovery were embracing feel nervous about trying something solitude is a completely different moments of solitude and reframing new. But there are many others on experience, often characterized as those times as periods for reflection, the same road, and seeking them out refreshing and calming rather than making an effort to connect with might be a step on your path to well- distressing. Solitude is more about friends and loved ones—even when I ness. Find a route that works for you one’s choice to take time for oneself, wasn’t feeling my best—and spending and keep building those connections to be alone with one’s own company. time trying new things and exercising, with others. Through this, the journey Some say that solitude can be very which in my case meant immersing to wellness will not seem so lonely useful in coping with loneliness,3 myself in the boxing and Muay Thai after all. giving us time to reflect on what we community. There will always be a want and how to go about getting it. sense of risk with trying new things, To connect with a FamilySmart® Parent but from personal experience, I can in Residence or Youth in Residence, For me, solitude was very helpful in honestly say there can be a lot of visit www.familysmart.ca/programs/ my recovery from depression. Solitude amazing rewards as well. parents-and-youth-in-residence/ v provided me with the time to reflect, to realize that I didn’t want to feel sad Looking back, I wish that I had known anymore and that I would do anything what other resources and supports were to get out of my depressive state and available. Being new to Vancouver, I feel genuinely and truly happy. didn’t know how to navigate the BC mental health system. I would have Solitude also gave me the opportunity liked to meet people with lived experi- to read books to help me understand ences similar to my own, who really what depression is, write in a journal, understood what I was going through. keep thought records and start a This would’ve been incredibly helpful. regular exercise program. Throughout this period of time, I was very lucky If I had known then about the to have loved ones who made sure to organization that I now work for, remind me how important it was to FamilySmart®, I would’ve called a like myself, that I should always be FamilySmart® Youth in Residence my own best friend and that at the (YiR)—a young adult with lived end of the day, my recovery was for experience of a mental health or myself. They also showed me that it is substance use challenge—to support okay to laugh, even when we are going me in my journey towards wellness. through challenging times. Ironically, A FamilySmart® Parent in Residence solitude also revealed to me that one (PiR) offers the same supports for of the most important things in my life parents whose children are experi- is to be more socially connected with encing mental health challenges. I wish my loved ones, the people who make I had known what I know now—that living enjoyable. there are skilled individuals out there who are willing to lead with care and If there is one thing that I have and offer a helping hand. learned through all of this, it is that All one has to do is ask.

2019 Vol. 14 No. 3 VISIONS 13 experiences + perspectives Loneliness A DARK ABYSS

Jane

The loneliness eats at my soul. The dark abyss surrounds my every waking moment. I am all alone, no family and no friends. Just me and the deafening sound of silence.

Jane is 56 years old and lives in Victoria

Photo credit: natalie_board at ©iStockphoto.com

I didn’t always feel like this, but now work—whatever I could find. I lived I feel this kind of crushing loneliness a life of wild abandonment, drinking almost all of the time. heavily and sleeping around. I went through many jobs and numerous I was adopted as a baby. My adopted relationships, trying to bury the pain parents both died before I was 15. of my loneliness. At the time, I wasn’t close to my two siblings, who were much older than When I was in my early 30s, in misery me, so when my parents died, I started and alone, I was hospitalized for an living on my own. attempted by overdose. I was admitted to Eric Martin Pavilion, the For the next several years, I didn’t psychiatric unit of the Royal Jubilee live a very stable life. I moved Hospital in Victoria, and that’s when I around, supporting myself through was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 2 various jobs, like waitressing, office and borderline personality disorder.

14 VISIONS Vol. 14 No. 3 2019 for footnotes go to www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions I was in the hospital for a few my job. I became emotionally unstable with the family I live with. I have no months and began a long treatment pretty quickly after that. I went family of my own to reach out to. process, including electroconvulsive through numerous short-term jobs and My relationship with my sister has therapy (ECT) and medication. After numerous short-term relationships deteriorated. My brother and I have struggling for years, I finally became over the next couple of years. almost no contact. somewhat more emotionally stable. I was able to go back to school and I had learned over time not to show I don’t have a regular doctor. I renew then get steady work again. But I still others the real me: experience had my prescriptions at walk-in clinics. felt alone; loneliness was always a taught me that people tended to leave I don’t have the energy to seek out shadow in the background. when they saw the real me. But the friends or relationships. The past pain of more time I spent alone, the lonelier people leaving me because of my illness In my early 40s, I thought I had finally I became. Soon, loneliness was the is always there. I have not told many found a strong and loving relationship. primary feeling I had, all the time. people about my illness because of the My partner worked full-time and was stigma attached to it. The few people I a great person. But after we’d been Not only did I continue to lose jobs, have told did not react well. I have expe- living together for just over a year, he but the constant stress of having to rienced first-hand how mental illness asked me to move out because he said look for work all the time took a toll can cause isolation and loneliness. he couldn’t handle my moods. He said on me. Add to that the fact that I he never knew what sort of mood I couldn’t find a decent apartment to My days are filled with nothing. I would be in when he came home. He rent, I didn’t have friends, I didn’t sleep 12 hours a day and then watch decided he didn’t want to live with this have a supportive and loving romantic TV for the other 12 hours. I can go uncertainty. This failed relationship partner, and my relationship with both days without talking to anyone, days really hurt; I truly loved him and I had my older siblings had become distant without leaving the house. I wage a finally felt “normal.” Losing him made and strained: it all amounted to a constant battle with depression, along me feel lonelier than ever. recipe for disaster. with my loneliness. This is not how I envisioned spending my “retirement” Some time later, I moved in with my My ongoing despair and loneliness led years. sister, who is older than me by almost to my second suicide attempt. I spent 20 years. I lived with her for about one night in the hospital and was then The dark abyss of loneliness is now my life. five years until she, too, told me she released, but a few weeks later, I took couldn’t live with me anymore because myself back to the hospital and was Addendum she couldn’t handle my moods. Unlike admitted. I was there for two weeks Soon after I finished writing this my partner, whom I had never told and, after some changes to my medica- article, I was referred to a mental about my illness, my sister knew about tion regime, my mood stabilized again. health resource centre that provides my mental health challenges. Yet options for people who are facing she still felt the same way, and I had But while today I am emotionally mental health challenges. I am feeling to move out. Again, my illness had stable and physically safe, the new a bit more hopeful in of pushed someone away. combination of medications leaves that meeting. Maybe there is hope. v me feeling blah. I have no emotions; For a long time after this, although I I feel like I am in neutral all the time. drank alcohol daily and still had mood I have all but lost contact with all of fluctuations, I held a full-time job and my acquaintances. I am on Canada was able to create a somewhat stable Pension Plan disability and unable to life for myself. Then, within a few work. I had to give up my apartment months, another romantic relationship since I couldn’t afford it anymore, ended, I received notice that I had to and now I rent a room in a private move out of my apartment and I lost home but I have almost no interaction

2019 Vol. 14 No. 3 VISIONS 15 experiences + perspectives Quest for Connection HOW A NEARLY DEADLY BATTLE AGAINST ISOLATION AND DEPRESSION RESULTED IN A STRONGER ME

Liberty Aronoff

I became depressed in high school. I gradually felt more insecure and distanced from the people I once thought of as my friends. Eventually, I switched schools, but I found myself even more isolated in the new school. There were days when, between the first bell and the last, I didn’t speak a single word to anyone. Things became so bad and I felt so alone that, at the age of 16, I attempted suicide.

Liberty is 19 years old and lives in Mission

Liberty Aronoff

On the day of my suicide attempt, two-hour hike across the city to my I had an intense argument with older brother’s house to try to find my mother just outside of my high sanctuary. school. Eventually, I got out of the car and marched angrily into the school. When I got there, however, no one was But I immediately dropped my things home. My emotions spiralled out of in my locker and left—and began the control and I tried unsuccessfully to

16 VISIONS Vol. 14 No. 3 2019 for footnotes go to www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions hang myself. It was then that I called my mom and asked her to pick me up. My mother was furious that I’d After about a month, the phone calls from skipped school. I didn’t tell her what my school friends stopped. Even my family I’d just tried to do; I was afraid it no longer suggested that I leave my room would make her even more furious. She told me to take a bus home. But because it was clear that I wasn’t going to. I got on the wrong bus and found myself lost with no more money. Too scared to ask the driver where we were going or how to get home, I called my When the next school year rolled myself back up. Eventually I stopped mother again and she finally agreed to around, I again tried to attend high leaving the house altogether. come and get me. school. It came as no surprise that, after two days, my anxiety was so Every day there was an argument as When I got in the car, I told her intense I had difficulty getting out of family members tried to get me to I wanted to kill myself (still not the car. At that point, I decided I was do something, anything—whether it admitting that I’d just made an actual too broken to continue my classes was going for a walk, changing out suicide attempt). She immediately and I refused to further my educa- of the clothes I’d been wearing the drove me to the hospital emergency tion. I didn’t want to see anyone. past 96 hours or even brushing my room, but I refused to get out of the Leaving the house—even for medical teeth. But I’d be so defiant and stuck car. She called 911; soon, a police appointments—became almost in my depression that I wouldn’t even officer arrived. He told me that if I overwhelming. contemplate the idea of moving off my didn’t walk myself into the emergency bed, let alone leaving my bedroom. I room, then he would physically escort My medical practitioners told me that could see that I was hurting the people me. I was scared and embarrassed, so I was from severe social around me. But I still couldn’t change. I went in without him. anxiety and depression. I understood the dictionary definitions of those After about a month, the phone calls It was in the hospital that we first words, but it wasn’t clear what they from my school friends stopped. Even heard and understood the word meant in practical terms. What did my family no longer suggested that I “depression.” The term had been those conditions mean for my life? leave my room because it was clear that thrown around before, but this Was there any solution? At the time, it I wasn’t going to. I would spend my escalation of events opened everyone’s didn’t feel like there was. days staring at a screen, gaming and eyes. In the hours we waited to see watching television. I could feel my the doctor, my mother got a chance to Along with the new diagnoses came brain beginning to rot. Loneliness and see just how dark my thoughts really recommendations for programs and isolation were my new companions. were. Up until that point, I’d been able support groups. I tried many types of to hide my feelings for the most part. medications in different combinations, The more alone I was, the worse my Now, for the first time, my family but my emotions were still in a dark depression became, and suicidal could see what was going on. place and I began to lose hope. That’s thoughts began to creep back into when my isolation truly became my mind. I ate little and lost a lot of After that, my mother decided to absolute. Going outside my front weight, and the majority of my days pull me out of school. I attended a door became almost unbearable. Even were spent in tears. home and hospital program, where daily tasks like showering and getting I was given a private tutor. With this dressed became nearly impossible. I At this point it had been a year since wonderful man’s help, I was able to was embarrassed of who I was and I’d left school and six months since complete four full courses in three what I was feeling. It felt easier to I’d left my house. I was mortified. months and finish Grade 10. shut myself away than to try and lift I thought that because I wasn’t

2019 Vol. 14 No. 3 VISIONS 17 experiences + perspectives

We knew that a mainstream high school would be too risky. I was lucky enough to be accepted into a program for youth with mental illnesses. There, they understood what I was going through and what my limits were. Together, we determined that my one and only goal would be to attend. Nothing more.

Once my attendance was consistent, we would work our way up to other things. It was during that six-month school

Photo credit: asiseeit at ©iStockphoto.com program that I was able to get my first glimpse into the future. It was exciting to even think that I might have a future. I’d felt so lost and alone for so long that I was able to build myself up to attend counselling the idea of continuing on my life path appointments once a week. I spilled out every had been nearly inconceivable. For the first time, I could look ahead and see thought and insecurity I’d ever had and I began to something that wasn’t scary: I felt hope. learn strategies to cope with my social and negative thoughts. After the six-month school program ended, I began homeschool for Grades 11 and 12. It was incredibly difficult to go from an alternative school back into a home setting, to concentrate and attending school and doing simple who would listen and validate my be productive. But with patience and daily tasks such as showering and thoughts and emotions. My coun- persistence, I got it done. I just had to eating, I was a failure as a human sellor pointed out when my fears and give myself time, and not things; being. I’d always considered myself to thoughts were irrational; this gave me eventually, I got there. be a strong individual, and being as confidence that she wasn’t just telling broken and weak as I perceived myself me what I wanted to hear. I graduated from Grade 12 with to be was scary and embarrassing. honours. I was able to get a job that I was able to build myself up to attend I loved—as a youth consultant with Up until this point, I’d been consistently counselling appointments once a Child and Youth Mental Health. The on medication; somewhere, deep week. I started by going with my working environment was one that inside, I could feel a small window mom because I still suffered from I already knew and felt comfortable beginning to open. I used that small social anxiety, but after a few months, in. I worked there about 8 to 12 window—and the help of my mother’s I was able to go on my own. I spilled hours a week, doing administrative will and unwavering support—to push out every thought and insecurity I’d tasks and co-facilitating a child and myself out of the house and seek coun- ever had and I began to learn strate- parent anxiety group. I taught coping selling from Child and Youth Mental gies to cope with my social anxieties mechanisms to youth who suffered Health. It was my turning point. and negative thoughts. Slowly, a from various forms of anxiety. weight was lifted off my shoulders, Once I’d been assessed and assigned and I started to look at the idea of When my contract ended after a year, to a counsellor, I felt I had someone going back to school. I began working retail in a menswear

18 VISIONS Vol. 14 No. 3 2019 for footnotes go to www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions store. The staff there are some of the campaigns are still going strong. I’m thankful for my experiences, for most welcoming people I have ever I also contacted some of my old they’ve given me insight into myself met. The store has been a family- classmates, and I’ve been working on that I don’t believe I would have owned business since it opened, building stronger friendships with otherwise gained. and they can offer the sort of warm, them. I can now say that some of friendly and supportive environment my closest friends are people whom If you are experiencing extreme loneli- that not many other jobs can offer. The I never would have guessed I’d be ness and social isolation, remember owners made me part of their family, close with today. I consider myself that loneliness is a condition that you and I could not be more grateful. very fortunate. can change. Tomorrow is a new day, and time heals all wounds. It isn’t easy, At about the same time I started I wish I could say that my depression and it isn’t quick, but with the right the six-month school program, I and anxiety are no longer an issue. help and some persistence, we can get was fortunate enough to receive a Unfortunately, that’s not the case; I’ve where we want to be—and the rewards message from an old acquaintance come to accept that I am the way I am, are incredibly exciting. v who remembered I enjoyed playing and that depression and anxiety are Dungeons & Dragons. He invited things I will likely always struggle me to play with his group, and it with. I am lucky enough to have was there that I bonded with some found ways to deal with my mental fantastic and lovely new people. illness and fight through every low. I’ve been playing with them for the I have friends and family who know past three years; our adventuring my past and will always support me.

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2019 Vol. 14 No. 3 VISIONS 19 experiences + perspectives Falling into the Depths of Loneliness AND FINDING MY WAY BACK OUT AGAIN

Jay

My life’s journey is not unlike that of many aspiring professionals. I started out my career with drive and a determination to succeed in order to get ahead in life. I sought out mentors, people with influence who could help me with the building blocks of life and work. The trip was challenging but there were lots of rewards along the way.

Jay lives in northern BC and is the father of three children, ages 11, 13 and 15. He works for a large retail outlet and volunteers with the local 4H club. He was married for 13 years but is currently separated

Photo credit: AlenaPaulus at ©iStockphoto.com

The people we meet in life—friends, me, it can feel like sometimes you family, teachers, spiritual leaders, have a Star Wars shield, and some- artists, doctors, counsellors—influ- times you have a shield made of foil. ence us in a positive or negative way. If your self-esteem is not rock solid, For much of my adult life, my the opinions of these people will have self-esteem was of the Stars Wars more power over you. Your shield of variety. I was a successful manager self-esteem may be Star Wars-strong, with a major retailer, and I had been molded over the years to repel what given the opportunity to open my you feel is wrong and invite what you own store and hire more than 120 feel is right. Or it may be tinfoil-thin, employees, building something that easily damaged by small nicks and very few people get to build in their knocks along the way. If you are like working career. I was committed to

20 VISIONS Vol. 14 No. 3 2019 for footnotes go to www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions my marriage and to raising our three wonderful kids. My career enabled us to raise our kids with mom at home, a I slowly pushed friends and family out of my life, rarity in this day and age. hoping my depression and anxiety would pass on their own. I isolated myself so completely But after a while, I felt that I was all shield—the real me wasn’t there that the people I cared about stopped reaching anymore. I had an impressive façade, out. On my most recent birthday, for example, but that was all I was: a façade. I had I received no phone calls; no one in my no idea who I was behind that façade. extended family contacted me at all. The onset of loneliness Two years ago, I began experiencing symptoms of depression and anxiety. This affected my ability to make difficult personalities when I am in a and anxiety. I wasn’t able to explain decisions. My Star Wars shield began non-anxious frame of mind. Conflicts what was going on in a way she could to crumble, and behind that façade, at home also escalated. understand, and she was not able to I began to erode. I had increasingly offer help. Ultimately, I moved into depressive thoughts and made increas- I stopped seeking the support of those our RV, which was parked in our ingly poor decisions. I trusted because I did not want to be driveway. I had become a stranger in seen as weak. This made things worse, my own home. I hid my growing anxiety from my and my communication with others colleagues and family. At work, I at work and at home all but ceased. I I slowly pushed friends and family focused only on the tasks that needed became isolated and lonely. out of my life, hoping my depression to be done immediately and neglected and anxiety would pass on their own. the mundane, day-to-day respon- Hitting rock bottom I isolated myself so completely that the sibilities necessary for the efficient In life, we can hope that we find like- people I cared about stopped reaching management of a business. I started to minded partners, people who under- out. On my most recent birthday, for spend more time in my office instead stand our perspective, speak with us example, I received no phone calls; no of checking in with my employees. honestly and support us through the one in my extended family contacted This led to a gap in communication rough patches. Unfortunately, the me at all. Immediate family members and, eventually, a rift between my romantic partner I chose as my wife expressed only minimal employees and me. At home, I was and the mother of our children did towards me. exhausted; communication with family not see the world in the same way members suffered as well. that I did. She became angry with On some level, my situation was me and my mental state, accusing baffling to me. How could I be in I have always responded to conflict me of being a narcissist, not capable this place? I had been a family man! with a “fight or flight” response. of reason or expressing myself. This An attentive employer! What had Anxiety kicks me into flight mode. pressure amplified my feelings of happened to me? Where had all the When I am anxious, even the most loneliness and depression. emotionally supportive, influential basic conflicts give me heart palpita- people in my life gone? How had I tions and I feel the need to escape my If I had known what I know now become so overwhelmed by depression immediate environment. This made about depression, anxiety and and anxiety? interactions with my colleagues— loneliness, we might have been able to particularly the more abrasive work together. But our deteriorating At a really low point, after my wife ones—more challenging, even though relationship pushed me further and and I had separated, I contacted my I am fairly adept at dealing with faster towards a deeper depression youngest son on his 11th birthday

2019 Vol. 14 No. 3 VISIONS 21 experiences + perspectives

and asked if he’d like to spend some depend on how strong our sense of and anxiety to go unchecked, our deci- time with me on his special day. I was self is, or how healthy our self-esteem sions reflect our negative state of mind, crushed when he told me, “I’m too is. Often, we only get one shot at setting us on a course that can be hard busy right now, but thanks.” I have making a serious decision, one that to reverse. always been close with my children; to impacts love, family or work. realize how bruised our relationship I didn’t come up with any answers had become over a period of two years I realized that morning that my as I lay there in bed. The thought of was devastating. decisions had distanced me from re-examining all the decisions I’ve the things that I believe are the most made in my life is overwhelming, The long climb up important. I had somehow allowed especially when I struggle to get As I lay in bed after that phone the battle with anxiety and depression through each day. Sometimes I think call with my son, I did a lot of soul to take over my life. it’s like going into battle with no fuel searching. I came to understand that in your tank. I see the individual with life is a series of decisions. Sometimes Ultimately, even the simplest decisions the Star Wars shield and the person we have a lot of information to base are affected by our emotional state. with the shield of tinfoil. It’s like our decisions on, but often we don’t. Decisions we make in a positive frame these two individuals are waging an We make decisions based on gut of mind can bring us great and epic struggle inside my head, a war instinct or interior judgement, which . But if we allow depression between Good and Evil.

Eventually, something had to change. When I started to avoid my responsi- bilities at work, I knew I was ready to look for support. I sought help through my employee assistance program. I also contacted my local health unit and got a referral to a psychiatrist.

Seeking help is never easy. Many people have opinions about whether you’re doing it the “right” way. In my case, some people said I was playing the victim. Some thought I needed to be alone to work things out. Others thought that I was being selfish, that I should focus instead on what I was doing to my kids, to my life. But I Photo credit: Creative-Family at ©iStockphoto.com know from experience that everyone has their own right way. No matter how you look at it, it is an uphill But I know from experience that everyone has battle to build bonds once they’ve their own right way. No matter how you look at it, been broken. It takes a lot of time and patience and self-compassion. it is an uphill battle to build bonds once they’ve been broken. It takes a lot of time and patience In my quest for recovery, I’ve tried and self-compassion. medication, counselling, even a lot of exercise, which I know is supposed to help. I took a demotion at work as

22 VISIONS Vol. 14 No. 3 2019 for footnotes go to www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions I felt I couldn’t take the organization but I’m also scared to lose her; I don’t person. My new partner has been to the next level. I let go of a lot of want to make any decisions that will supportive, even offering up her house . There are days when I feel over- result in distance between her and me. so that one or all of the kids can stay whelmed, like I can’t do it. But I have with me. But at this point I feel that the discovered a deeper appreciation for My recovery is not over. After a three- only way I will have more time with everyone fighting a personal mental and-a-half-month leave from work, I my kids is to battle in court with my health battle. I know I am not alone, returned to my job. The lead-up to my ex, who has clearly established herself and that many are fighting worse return brought its own anxiety, but my as our children’s gatekeeper. battles—possibly with weaker shields. employer was supportive and gave me lots of space to re-introduce myself. I hope that in sharing my story, I can Hope in the darkness My anxiety eased, and the employees be the voice for others who are waging I’ve made a point of surrounding were genuinely happy to see me back. similar battles. We are not alone. myself with positive, honest relation- While I still occasionally slip back into Loneliness is a state of mind, and it can ships. One-sided relationships that feelings of low self-worth, I take things be overcome. But it takes work, and were enabling rather than truly one day at a time. we won’t win every battle. We need to supportive had to go. I started build up our shields slowly, surround reaching out to people online to try to I still have limited contact with my ourselves with compassionate and make new connections. It was there kids. My ex feels that my illness is supportive people and make decisions that I met my new partner, who helped not healthy for my kids to see, even in a positive frame of mind. v me through some really lonely times. though I am recovering and the help I am grateful for all that she has done, I have received is making me a better visions we want to hear your story The next issue we will be soliciting articles for is about families supporting an adult with a mental health or substance use problem. If you have a story about family support (individual, family member or service provider), please contact us at [email protected] by April 15, 2019.

2019 Vol. 14 No. 3 VISIONS 23 experiences + perspectives Writing Through Loneliness HOW ALCOHOL ISOLATED ME BUT SOBRIETY LIBERATED ME

Tabitha Montgomery

Ever since I was a young child, I have been comfortable with solitude, being free to read quietly or listen to records, or even choreograph my own dance routines to Carole King. Socially, I didn’t have a lot of friends, but the few I had I felt a comfortable connection to. Although I always tried to fit in with bigger groups, I felt socially awkward and was always more comfortable alone. I did not know the feeling of loneliness until later in life.

Tabitha is dedicated to ending the stigma of substance use. Her study of introversion has deepened her appreciation for writing and solitude as healing therapies. A Vancouver resident and former board member of From to Action, Tabitha has organized International Overdose Awareness Day events and helped coordinate Vancouver Public Library’s participation in National Addiction Awareness 2017

Tabitha Montgomery

Spending time alone and writing have complex and challenging life-altering been forms of self-exploration and experiences before we find a safe therapy for me since I was young. landing, a safe harbour to start our Exploring my creativity through self-exploration, to begin the process writing is a that enables me of self-acceptance and healing, to confront my inner conflicts and to and—hopefully—to begin the process better understand the human condi- of accepting and better understanding tion. Even now, at 50 years old, I use others. writing as a map to trace how I got to where I am today, and to explore the Early life and substance use places I’ve been along the way. My understanding of loneliness and writing as a tool for self-reflection has This kind of self-exploration is not evolved over the course of my life. I easy. Human beings can go through have experienced a lot of loss, which

24 VISIONS Vol. 14 No. 3 2019 for footnotes go to www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions My father’s infrequent visits in my otherwise peaceful life were often volatile and frightening. He was no longer the same wonderful man my mother had fallen in love with and married. Over time, his substance use and his violent moods and actions had made him a broken and disrup- tive man, one whom my mother feared and tried to protect her family from. My father lost everything because of his addictions.

High school and early adulthood By the time I reached Grade 8, Photo credit: okeyphotos at ©iStockphoto.com drinking and recreational drug use seemed to be a normal part of social connection among my peers. The social anxiety of trying to fit in In hindsight, I know that my father’s challenges with became a lot easier when I learned loneliness and addiction can be understood through to smoke cigarettes and drink coffee. the blurry lens of his own childhood. Abandoned by Eventually, my friends and I tried both of his alcoholic parents as a young child, he mushrooms and cocaine and hard liquor. When regular substance use was raised among distant family in a series of hotels becomes such a natural part of your in Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside. life, it’s hard to recognize when the partying is actually excessive.

But eventually I grew up and matured has shaped who I am today, and how I parents as a young child, he was enough to get a steady job and pay my think of loneliness and solitude. raised among distant family in a series own rent, despite my substance use. of hotels in Vancouver’s Downtown My early childhood was happy. I was Eastside. Eventually, his grandmother By this time, it had become normal raised by a single, healthy mother took him and his sister to live with for my peers to experiment with more and my two loving older sisters. I was her in a very small, tar-paper-covered dangerous substances, including close to all of my grandparents, with shack in the Fraser Valley. heroin. Some acquaintances got sick, the exception of my absent father, and others died. I began to be more who, in addition to his substance use But despite these stacked odds, he did selective about who I hung around disorder, lived with other complex well, meeting my mother and begin- with. And then I became a mother in mental health issues, which I did not ning a family. He was charismatic, my early twenties and my priorities understand at the time. polite and hard-working. It wasn’t changed. My two children are my until his third child was born—me— world. But my first real wake-up call In hindsight, I know that my father’s that he experimented with drugs would come a bit later. challenges with loneliness and at a party one night. He was never addiction can be understood through the same again. He continued using When my eldest child was three, my the blurry lens of his own childhood. drugs and eventually my mother had dad died of a heroin overdose. I left Abandoned by both of his alcoholic to leave him. my son with his father and went on a

2019 Vol. 14 No. 3 VISIONS 25 experiences + perspectives

a story, and every single root, every single line, matters. I let myself be okay with crying in the dark, with feeling pain and loss and loneliness. I don’t resent my father anymore, or the fact that his life story did not have Instead of drinking, I would pick up a pen and a happy ending. Nor do I resent my write. I would write through the loneliness. I friend or blame myself. I could not got to know myself again through writing. have stopped her from experimenting with heroin.

Every single one of us deals with loneliness in our own way and road trip with a friend to California. ripped off. I was heartbroken. Loneli- chooses our own path. And at times On that trip, I drank for seven days ness engulfed me. we have all been in a lonely place but straight. It didn’t occur to me that I not known how to help ourselves. I was being unhealthy until I got the But deep down, I knew I didn’t want am one of the lucky ones. Through shakes. I was so alarmed that I stopped to become what had hurt me. I could my own healing and my personal drinking for the rest of the trip. not do that to my children. customized wellness plan, I not only live free from alcohol, recreational When I got back home, I stopped I did not want to use alcohol to numb drugs and even cigarettes but I also heavy drinking altogether. Although I myself anymore. I quit drinking live free and liberated to be a friend would go out once in a while, I never completely. But now I felt even more to me. In many ways, I have rediscov- overdid it, and I stopped hanging alone because I stopped associating ered the strong, free-spirited girl I was out with people who did recreational with most of the people I knew. But I at the beginning of my story. v drugs. That was challenging; in my was determined to get back in touch community, drug use was everywhere. with that part of me that liked her It seemed to be socially acceptable. own company—that stranger who was me. Then, a few years after my father died, my best friend also died of a heroin Writing a new story—or an old one overdose and I went into an emotional I let myself be okay with crying in the tailspin. Losing someone to overdose dark, with feeling pain and loss and brings with it an extra layer of pain, loneliness. Instead of drinking, I would as the death is completely prevent- pick up a pen and write. I would write able. My grief haunted me. I turned through the loneliness. I got to know to alcohol again, and spent nights myself again through writing. Even drinking at home while my kids were today, the more I write, the more I away at their grandparents’ house for discover about myself. the weekend. Through my writing, I have also Solitude was no longer something learned to accept my past. My past that was healing. I had become is part of me. My father’s past is part overwhelmingly lonely, drowning in of me. Those roots—the strong, deep my grief over the loss of my father ones as well as my father’s broken and my friend. I literally drank more ones—are all part of my story, and on those nights than I ever thought I there is no shame in any of them. could. At times I felt abandoned and Every single one of us has roots and

26 VISIONS Vol. 14 No. 3 2019 for footnotes go to www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions Filling the Loneliness Void BELONGING AND ACCEPTANCE IN A CRIMINAL WORLD

James Charman

My name is James. I’m a 31-year-old man who has spent over one-third of his life in jail.

At the time of writing, James was incarcerated at Nanaimo Correctional Centre, in the Guthrie House Therapeutic Community Program. He wrote his story by hand, supported by the centre’s Acting Deputy Warden of Programs, Christine Bootsma

James Charman

Currently, I live in Nanaimo compassion, self-reflection and my Correctional Centre’s Guthrie House, relationships with others. which runs a therapeutic community program that offers addictions I’ve been using drugs since age 11, and treatment and recovery management. I’ve been in and out of jail since I was Residents help each other to recognize 14. Before that, I spent years feeling negative beliefs and distorted thinking alone and marginalized. I found a patterns as they prepare to live sense of belonging in a life of crime successfully in the outside world. and addiction. It seems like it’s all I’ve ever known. It’s been a long journey to get where I am today—a journey with periods of For the past decade, I have been profound loneliness. My deep desire searching for new connections with for a sense of belonging led to a series people. This is my narrative about of unfortunate life choices. But they that experience, trying to discover, also provided me with opportunities then re-discover, who I am. I’m glad to learn valuable lessons about to have the opportunity to shed some

2019 Vol. 14 No. 3 VISIONS 27 experiences + perspectives

light on the effects of loneliness in that kids do. Those things just didn’t for group activities or events. Even my life. her. She also suffered from when we did, no one wanted to spend medical issues that made it difficult for a lot of time together. None of my Loneliness from a young age her to keep up with an energetic boy. extended family took much interest in My story begins in a small town in me—except for one older cousin. But BC, the sort of town where everyone I was also not an easy kid to take his parents saw me as a bad influence. knows one another. My mother was care of. I was argumentative and her I was impulsive and I had a foul not prepared to raise a child; she left response to my challenging behaviour mouth and I didn’t like to follow rules. home, and my single grandmother was to raise her voice and use verbal I wasn’t a bad-hearted kid, but I was took on the job of raising me. putdowns. Sometimes she would seen as a trouble-maker. hit me. But to her credit, she always My grandmother had a rough supported my efforts to improve my School was miserable. The other start in life. She’d been raised by situation. She never left me hanging. students didn’t show up to my alcoholic parents and didn’t have She raised me the best she knew how birthday parties and spent their free a lot of parenting or coping skills. at the time. time making me feel unwelcome She didn’t really know how to show or entertaining themselves at my , and she didn’t find it easy We had some extended family in town, expense. I was never quite sure to encourage games or fun things but we didn’t get together very often why—perhaps it was my behaviour, or the fact that I was a little heavier than the other kids. Perhaps it was because my grandmother and I didn’t have much money. I was called names and endured other forms of bullying. I can’t recall anyone else getting harassed as much as I was. I just seemed to be an easy target.

When I asked for help from teachers and other staff members, I never seemed to get it. Often, I got blamed for the situation. Teachers spoke down to me or ignored me or—worse—gave me in-school suspensions. I was the only really disruptive kid, so I received the majority of the negative attention from staff. Looking back, I don’t Photo credit: fotografixx at ©iStockphoto.com think they knew how to deal with my struggles in a creative way.

In a small town where everyone knows who you The hardest part was that I couldn’t figure out what was so wrong with are, it is impossible to escape your reputation. Even me. I certainly didn’t feel so different if you really aren’t the person that everyone thinks from anyone else. In hindsight, I you are, once you’re known as the troublesome kid, realize I wasn’t particularly self-aware then that is what people see. as a kid. Perhaps I was socially awkward or attention-seeking. Perhaps other kids saw me as

28 VISIONS Vol. 14 No. 3 2019 for footnotes go to www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions annoying. Whatever the case, I would often find myself in the all-too- I realized in recovery that my desire to fit in was familiar role of outcast. why I returned to crime and my addictions. At In a small town where everyone some point, I had decided that that world was knows who you are, it is impossible the one in which I belonged. to escape your reputation. Even if you really aren’t the person that everyone thinks you are, once you’re known as the troublesome kid, then that is what booze without expecting anything in now I was an adult, so I began doing people see. return—except a bed for the night. time in adult custody. I felt like I was constantly seeking Drugs, alcohol and the myth acceptance and a sense of family. In 2009, a friend who was in custody of belonging with me suggested that I request By the time I was 12, I had quit school. Eventually, my petty crimes caught the option of a full-time treatment My grandma couldn’t take my acting up with me: at the age of 14, I went and recovery program. I had never out, and I was placed in an intermittent to juvie, where I had to adjust again really admitted that I was addicted to government care program on week- to violence and bullying. I adapted. I substances, but I knew it was time to ends. One day, my grandmother called developed a multi-faceted personality try a different approach. My girlfriend a social worker, and I was removed that allowed me to fit in anywhere. at the time was pregnant with our from our home and placed in foster And when I had to, I defended myself child, and I really wanted to be a father care in another town. by fighting back. to my little boy.

In foster care, I quickly met all the Over the years, I served three separate Lessons from recovery other kids around who were like juvie sentences. When I was 17 and I realized in recovery that my desire to me; for the first time, I felt a sense facing my third juvie sentence, I fit in was why I returned to crime and of belonging. I spent my days on decided I needed a change. I elected to my addictions. At some point, I had the streets with my new friends, go to a youth home in northern BC to decided that that world was the one panhandling or stealing change from start over. in which I belonged. It has been a long cars, drinking alcohol and smoking struggle to get to the point that I feel cigarettes and weed. In the youth home, I managed to stay okay to be around people who don’t off substances. I met some healthy “get” me. I now understand that people I enjoyed the sense of belonging and friends and a girl who was still in don’t have to know everything about my increased independence, but I school, still on a straight path. The me; we can still have a meaningful returned to my grandma’s custody manager of the house became a father relationship, despite not understanding the following summer. I resented figure and I got a weekend job, started everything about each other. being back at home, and I spent a lot mountain biking more and felt a sense of time hitchhiking around southern of purpose. I’ve also learned to communicate BC. I revelled in what I thought of as with words rather than violence. I my life of adventure: travelling from But eventually I started using understand why people have different town to town, living on the streets or substances again and things began to perceptions and I accept that fact couch-surfing wherever I was, using slide. I left the youth home, lost the without feeling alienated by it. I don’t crime to support my alcohol and drug job and began to push the girl away. I have to be the same as others to find use and the alcohol and drug habits of started using harder drugs and became belonging among them. friends and acquaintances. My identity addicted to crack. By the time I was 19 became that of the guy who could get years old, gangs, violence and selling I also have an open mind. Without the money and supply the drugs and drugs had become my world—except that openness, I don’t think I would

2019 Vol. 14 No. 3 VISIONS 29 experiences + perspectives

have learned how to bond with other developed supportive relationships myself; I never developed a clear human beings in a meaningful way. with people on the outside, I have a understanding of how to connect with treatment plan in place and I’ve made others. I could feel a bond in groups I find myself able to help others learn arrangements for a healthy place to of people using substances, and over the same sorts of lessons. In Guthrie live. time, I associated these feelings with House, where the recovery program the lifestyle I lived and the people I focuses on community support and I am grateful for the people I have in was with, rather than recognizing that peer-to-peer interactions, I use my my life now, and I’m looking forward my sense of belonging came from our experience and compassion to support to starting something new. I am similar experiences. Those of us who those who have not yet been given the working on developing a relationship lacked real connection in our lives gifts I have received over the course with my son, and my grandmother is found connection among each other— of 10 years of hard work, struggle, still supportive. She and I have devel- however unhealthy or confusing our relapse and jail—experiences that oped a strong and caring relationship, lives and actions were—much like make me the person I am today. even though we live some distance people who survive traumatic experi- from one another now. ences together. We were all lost souls Looking ahead on the same journey. As I look ahead My sentence will be complete in 2019. Over time, I’ve thought about what it to next year, I look forward to bringing Once I leave Guthrie House, I will face means to be lonely, and I’ve gained my hard-earned insights with me, and challenges, but I’ve worked hard to insight into my desire for acceptance. to surrounding myself with people ensure I have a safe place to land. I’ve As a child, I was never accepted for who accept me simply for myself. v

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30 VISIONS Vol. 14 No. 3 2019 for footnotes go to www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions Looking Beyond Differences to End Adolescent Social Isolation HOW A STUDENT-LED NON-PROFIT HAS INSPIRED A GLOBAL MOVEMENT

Laura Talmus

I always believed that my daughter, Lili, was special, but I had no idea that her life would inspire a movement that has touched millions of children and teens all over America and around the globe.

Laura and her husband, Ace Smith, founded Beyond Differences following the unexpected death of their daughter Lili Rachel Smith in October 2009. With over 35 years of experience running and consulting to non-profit organizations, Laura is passionate about bringing awareness to the issue of adolescent social isolation

* in America, middle school is the common term for a school intermediate between elementary (primary) school and high (secondary) school. If they exist in BC, they may be called middle schools or junior high schools Photo credit: Beyond Differences

Laura Talmus joining the Teen Board of Beyond Differences at a middle school* in Mill Valley, California to talk about the issue of social isolation in teens.

Lili Rachel Smith was born with Apert the toughest time for her, as the invita- syndrome, a rare genetic disorder that tions to parties and sleepovers dried causes some of the skull bones to fuse up. Feeling excluded from any friend prematurely. This prevents the skull group at school, she found herself from growing normally, affects the dreading lunch; often, she would shape of the head and face and can retreat to the girls’ bathroom and call cause fusing or webbing of the fingers me to pick her up. and toes. In short, Lili looked different from other kids. Lili was experiencing social isolation, a term that until that point I had heard When she was a little girl, Lili had only in reference to senior citizens. friends and playdates, but as she got Social isolation is different from older, she faced a number of social bullying; it is a feeling of being left challenges. Grades 6 through 8 were out, invisible and without connection

2019 Vol. 14 No. 3 VISIONS 31 alternatives + approaches

Our Teen Board of Directors is made up of about 100 high-school students who are trained to go into middle schools and talk to students—peer to peer—about what social isolation is and how to combat it. The feedback we’ve received has been startling. We’ve learned that most teens have experienced social isolation at some point in their lives, whether during school, at events outside of school or as a result of social media posts. For example, we hear often that feelings of social isolation are common when an individual discovers they haven’t been included in a party or event— and peers post photos of the event on Photo credit: Beyond Differences social media. Teen Board members of Beyond Differences (purple t-shirts) engaging with a middle school girl who felt socially isolated at school. Our organization saw a huge need to help teachers, school counsellors and students create more inclusive, to others. This feeling impacted Lili’s Research indicates that social isolation accepting communities at their motivation to do well in school. has a major impact on self-esteem, schools. We’ve developed curricula, Ultimately, our family decided Lili health and academic performance. A programs and national awareness would do better being homeschooled. 2013 study showed that social isolation days—what we call our Positive It was a very tough decision and not can contribute to conditions such as Prevention Initiatives—with resources one we would want other families to depression, loss of sleep, eating disor- that schools can request online and have to face. ders and poor cardiovascular health.1 receive free of charge. Our goal is to In 2016, a national survey revealed change the culture of middle school to Tragically, Lili passed away unexpect- that 20% of American middle-school encourage a positive, more inclusive edly in her sleep as a freshman in high and high-school students had trouble environment. school in the fall of 2009, due to medical making friends, and nearly 50% did complications associated with Apert not participate in extracurricular Our programs syndrome. At her memorial, teens who school activities.2 In 2012, we piloted our first No One had known her as a classmate in middle Eats Alone™ Day in just a handful school came to realize how excluded What is Beyond Differences? of schools in Northern California. she had felt during those years. They Beyond Differences is the only student- The day encourages students to sit wanted to do something to honour led non-profit organization and social with classmates they don’t know and her life. In 2010, together with Lili’s justice movement dedicated to ending include students sitting alone. Our classmates, we created a non-profit adolescent social isolation. We believe Teen Board, along with middle-school organization called Beyond Differences, that all teens should feel included, ambassadors (students who either with the aim of raising awareness about valued and accepted by their peers. volunteer or are recommended to take social isolation in youth. Within a few Exclusion should not be an accepted a lead role in our programs), helped short years, what started out as a tribute part of middle-school culture, and facilitate the first event. We had wide- to Lili had touched a nerve in middle students can lead the way to make spread print and broadcast coverage schools all over the country. meaningful change in their community. for our first No One Eats Alone Day

32 VISIONS Vol. 14 No. 3 2019 for footnotes go to www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions event, and we were blown away by the response from the students, school staff and administrators who We’ve discovered that the issue of adolescent attended. Many students opened up social isolation is universal. In 2017, for about their feelings of social isolation example, delegates from South Korea met at school, and many adults (teachers, administrators, even reporters) with Beyond Differences to help address the recalled having similar feelings problem in their own country. during middle school as well.

The program has grown each year. In 2018, we sent over 2,200 schools a to nurture healthy relationships and All of our resources, materials and free backpack filled with everything combat social isolation online. This program support are provided to they needed to hold No One Eats program teaches students how to schools free of charge, no matter Alone Day: curriculum for in-class spot social isolation in the online where in the world our participants exercises and discussions about social environment, how to respond to live. Beyond Differences does not isolation, armbands, posters, balloons, digital gossip and how to be authentic receive any state or federal funding for conversation starters and the supplies and true to themselves online. Be these programs. We rely solely on the and instructions for a collaborative art Kind Online includes lesson plans, generosity of our private and corporate project. In 2018, the art project was a PowerPoint presentations, articles, supporters. five-foot-tall tree with paper apples on links to videos and worksheets for which students wrote their personal in-class discussions and interactive I know Lili would have been proud of pledges to end social isolation. In exercises. One of the lessons, Standing the work her life has inspired. We are 2019, the apples have been replaced by Up to Negative Online Behaviors, happy knowing that we have made hearts and leaves. includes descriptions of realistic such an impact, but we still have scenarios of online cruelty for small plenty of work ahead of us. To combat negative beliefs about groups to discuss. Another exercise cultural and religious differences—a has students watch a talk and discuss We remain committed to ending social key factor in social isolation—we and write about the power of “likes” isolation in youth and look forward to launched the Know Your Class- on social media. a day when inclusion is the norm. mates™ program. For this initiative, For more information, contact Beyond Differences developed a In 2018, more than 5,000 schools in all www.beyonddifferences.org.v unique curriculum to teach students 50 American states used one or more about personal identity and appreci- of our Positive Prevention Initiatives. ating differences in others, with the As Beyond Differences has grown goal of increasing acceptance and in the US, we have begun to receive building strong communities within interest and requests from schools schools. Know Your Classmates and communities across Canada and focuses on breaking down barriers all over the world. We’ve discovered around culture, , family tradi- that the issue of adolescent social tions, gender identity, immigration isolation is universal. In 2017, for status and many more facets that example, delegates from South Korea make us who we are. met with Beyond Differences to help address the problem in their own Knowing the effect that social media country. For schools outside of the can have on how socially excluded US, Beyond Differences has provided we feel, we created Be Kind Online™ comprehensive teacher guides online.

2019 Vol. 14 No. 3 VISIONS 33 alternatives + approaches

how the built environment shapes our classroom experience

Gal Kramer

Gal is a master’s candidate in the urban planning program at the Harvard Graduate School of Design in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Her undergraduate degree is from McGill University

In 2016, the National College Health Assessment reported Social Connectedness explored how the physical layout of that 66% of 43,000 Canadian postsecondary students a classroom might impact the learning experience. surveyed felt lonely at least once during the previous year. About 30% of those students reported feeling “very Changes in classroom setup and furniture make a lonely” during the previous two weeks.1 difference when it comes to both social and learning experiences. McGill students surveyed indicated that In the past few years, there has been an increase in they would like to see smaller classes, more opportunities research exploring the relationship between social to work in small groups, larger desks and work spaces connectedness and higher education. Many studies and alternative seating options, and that these features have looked at teaching methods and means of student enhanced both their learning and their connections with engagement, including changes to the curricula and their peers. facilitating classroom cooperation and participation.2,3 Fewer studies have explored the way the built In the past few years, many universities in Canada environment shapes social connectedness. The built and the US have created Active Learning Classrooms environment includes man-made structures such as (ALCs), designed to increase student engagement. buildings and streets, but it can also include smaller-scale McGill University, for example, currently has 14 ALCs. items, like furniture. Active Learning Classrooms can take many forms, but they are generally smaller classrooms with integrated Some theorists in architecture and urban planning suggest technology. Students sit in small groups, sharing table that the built environment has an impact on people’s space, white boards and technology such as computers social experiences within a specific space. Research has and microphones. Easily moveable chairs and tables allow also shown that there is a relationship between the built students and teachers to move more readily around the environment and our mental health. For example, the classroom. This encourages students to interact with each lighting and physical configuration of a space can affect our other and with the instructor. mood.4,5 Street layout impacts how people move, which affects people’s interactions with others.6 This can also While changes to the physical classroom space can be shape our perception of social connectedness and isolation. costly, this cost should be weighed against the extreme cost and negative impact of students’ social isolation. Arguably, the design of a classroom can influence how Less costly alternatives can also have a positive effect. socially connected or isolated a student feels, and this can Even with no budget at all, simply rearranging existing affect a student’s learning experience. My undergraduate furniture can make a meaningful difference in students’ research at Montreal’s McGill University’s Samuel Centre for learning experiences.

34 VISIONS Vol. 14 No. 3 2019 for footnotes go to www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions Now There Is Someone to Call On ORGANIZATIONS USE A COLLECTIVE APPROACH TO CONNECT WITH ISOLATED SENIORS

Mariam Larson

Imagine the end of a really good—or really bad—day. How many people do you have in your life to share your joy—or ? How many people can you call on for ordinary support or advice at a moment’s notice?

As a consulting gerontologist, Mariam provides project management services for cities and community agencies, including Allies in Aging. She is married, the mother of two adult children, an active grandmother to toddler twins and the go-to support for her 87-year-old mother. She considers “life balance” a fallacy and instead aims for role integration

Photo credit: SolStock at ©iStockphoto.com

Roughly 30% of seniors don’t have a senior’s essential needs can go unmet anyone to call on for support, advice or when that family member is gone. even a simple conversation. For many, important social connections are broken Seniors without social connections often when partners, friends and family die, experience poorer emotional, mental when people move or live far away or and physical health than seniors who can’t be available for other reasons.1,2 do have strong social connections.1,2 Isolated seniors who might benefit Losing a partner or lifelong friend is greatly from community programs may heartbreaking. If the partner was the not know what programs are available person who made the meals and kept or how to access resources and services. the social calendar full, the daily empti- If a senior has a low income or lives ness resulting from the partner’s absence with a disability, a language barrier or can be profound. If the friend was the cultural differences, it can be impossible one person who shared stories or adven- to bridge connection gaps without tures, the sense of disconnection the skilled support. senior feels when the friend is no longer available can be crippling. If the absent Partners in reducing isolation family member was the one who drove Allies in Aging is a group of more than to appointments or picked up groceries, 30 partner agencies working to reach

2019 Vol. 14 No. 3 VISIONS 35 alternatives + approaches

and connect with seniors who are at a sense of belonging and value. Volun- or communication barriers, anxiety risk of isolation. The group is funded teers and staff reach seniors at food and stress, dementia, depression and in part by the Government of Canada’s banks and subsidized housing units, delirium, and grief and loss. Sessions New Horizons for Seniors Program and also connect with those sleeping have become so popular that most of (NHSP) and is one of NHSP’s nine rough in the community. Volunteers them have waitlists. Several session three-year initiatives aimed at reducing and staff conduct simple walking trips resources are now available online seniors’ social isolation across Canada. to distribute resources and extend invi- at www.alliesinaging.ca, in various tations to other seniors to come and join languages, making them a valuable Under the leadership of four agencies, community meals or outings where they resource for community and cultural Allies in Aging provides a variety can build relationships through shared organizations in their efforts to help of outreach services, training for experience. One senior who was drawn reduce seniors’ isolation. volunteers and service providers, and to one of our training programs ended transportation initiatives for seniors in up organizing a community barbeque Seniors on the Move, led by Burnaby Vancouver, Burnaby, the North Shore with support from the project team. Community Services, is also a regional and the Tri-Cities. Since its launch in initiative. It aims to design new 2016, Allies in Aging has connected South Vancouver Neighbourhood transportation services, or enhance with more than 14,000 seniors and has House leads the Seniors Hub and existing transportation services, to trained more than 2000 volunteers and Neighbourly Together Program, which meet seniors’ needs. Multi-sector service providers. It has also advocated uses door-to-door outreach to promote collaboration through this program successfully for change in regional local opportunities and offer indi- has resulted in significant changes seniors’ transportation programs and vidual support for seniors who may to transportation services, as well as provincial policies. rarely leave home. Project teams and the development of resources and senior leaders have developed creative training to support seniors in making Allies in Aging uses a collective-impact ways to find seniors where they live. plans and timely changes when they approach to making positive social Many of the seniors targeted by this are no longer able or no longer wish change. This means that partners program speak little English and have to drive. A partnership with Modo commit to a shared agenda, collaborate limited familiarity with their commu- the Car Co-op provides access to cars on activities that reinforce mutual nity, even if they have lived there for volunteer drivers to use when goals and engage in shared evalua- for a long time. Volunteers and staff taking seniors out in the community. tion of our methods and results. A trained through Neighbourly Together A partnership with bc211 resulted in dedicated individual acts as “backbone work to find common interests among the creation of a seniors’ transportation lead,” supporting the coordination, seniors and to identify seniors’ hidden hotline for the Metro Vancouver area: communication and connections strengths so that those who are people can dial 211 to get up-to-date across programs and among partners. isolated can expand their boundaries information about everything from bus As a group, we have found that we with dignity and confidence. routes to HandyDart registration to can have greater impact when we local volunteer ride programs. work together than if we try to make Volunteer Impact is a regional changes on our own. training program for volunteers and For more information about Allies in service providers to help them to Aging, check out our website: Programs that build community identify, understand and connect www.alliesinaging.ca. You’ll find Allies in Aging runs several different with isolated seniors. The lead agency project contacts and a variety of initiatives, each headed by a different for this program is Family Services outreach and training resources. lead agency. Burnaby Neighbourhood of the North Shore. Participants in You can also sign up to receive our House leads the Welcoming Seniors’ the training sessions often attend regular newsletter to read about some Spaces program, which uses intentional multiple workshops designed to of our success stories and keep up outreach to connect seniors with people deepen their ability to recognize and with our work. v and places where they can experience reduce the isolating impacts of cultural

36 VISIONS Vol. 14 No. 3 2019 for footnotes go to www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions Connecting Generations HOW A SENIORS CARE CENTRE AND A CHILD CARE CENTRE ARE COMBATING LONELINESS AND BUILDING COMMUNITY IN TORONTO

Robert Petrushewsky, CPA, and Rafelina Loschiavo, RECE

In June 2014, the City of Toronto and two partner organizations launched an intergenerational program designed to foster and support interactions among seniors, children and families. Through an intensive redevelopment initiative, the Kipling Early Learning & Child Care Centre, and Kipling Acres, a long- term care home, established a combined physical space and a collaborative programming environment, bringing together younger children and older adults of Toronto’s diverse Kipling community.

Robert (Bob) is Home Administrator for Kipling Acres, Toronto Long-Term Care Homes & Services. A Certified Professional Accountant, Bob has worked in health care since 1989 and as a long-term care administrator since 1992. He is a proponent of community partnerships to help enhance the life of long-term care residents

Rafelina (Lina) is the Centre Supervisor for Kipling Early Learning & Child Care Centre, Toronto Children’s Services. A registered childhood educator for 32 years, Lina’s focus is on supporting the growth and development of young children Photo credit: City of Toronto in diverse communities throughout the Nothing like two generations playing together to brighten up their day Toronto area and form new friendships.

In the newly designed space, families the opportunity or the inclination to access the child care centre by entering establish meaningful relationships through the long-term care home. The with other residents, and continuing unique physical layout encourages loneliness can have negative impacts casual interactions among seniors, on an individual’s physical and children and families. emotional health and well-being.1

For many in long-term care, depres- The importance of sion and loneliness is an everyday intergenerational programming reality. Simply because older residents The presence of a strong intergenera- live together in a long-term care tional program at Kipling supports a facility does not mean they have wider, more diverse range of social

2019 Vol. 14 No. 3 VISIONS 37 alternatives + approaches

interactions. The program brings develop their language and literacy and other family members. Rather, together senior residents and toddlers skills and fosters their social and the interactions help to foster a sense (aged 18 to 30 months) in various emotional development. The children of community well-being, so that activities designed to foster and take their responsibility seriously; their children, families and seniors can nurture mutually beneficial relation- confidence and self-esteem soar as they experience living in an environment ships, setting a positive tone for each embrace their postal-delivery duties. that supports and embraces all genera- day. Senior residents engage socially The seniors are reminded of the days tions and all phases of life. and emotionally with the young chil- when the mail carriers delivered mail dren, who in turn develop important to their front door. It is easy to see that For the children, one of the most social, emotional, language, cognitive both children and seniors enjoy their positive aspects of the program is and physical skills. connection with each other. the opportunity to develop empathy and an understanding of the needs of As they participate in the program, Over the year, children and seniors others, and the chance to learn about senior residents and other clients participate together in a wide variety of the different strengths and challenges establish connections with the commu- seasonal social events and experiences, that others may have. Many of our nity’s children and young families, including holiday celebrations, arts and young families have chosen Kipling which helps to decrease their loneli- crafts classes, bingo games, cooking and Early Learning & Child Care Centre ness and sense of isolation. This result gardening lessons, and yoga and drum- specifically because of the intergen- is easily observed by programming ming sessions. Throughout, personal, erational program. The program’s staff, family members and clients alike: impromptu interactions are encouraged success is also one of the reasons residents who may have been agitated and welcomed. that our senior residents have chosen become calm and smiles light up their Kipling Acres as their long-term care faces as they reminisce about happy For example, there are frequent social home and our other clients choose to moments spent interacting with the interactions between seniors and participate in our adult day program. toddlers and families who participate families when children are dropped in the intergenerational program. off or picked up. One resident likes Other child care centres, long-term to play the piano on the second-floor care homes and adult day program The programming teams from the mezzanine, and when the children providers should consider the early learning centre and the long- go by, they stop and listen and sing success of Kipling’s intergenerational term care home work together to plan along. During inclement weather, initiatives when they look at ways to and implement a diverse program the children are taken for walks support healthy aging and improve of weekly creative and interactive on the units and are able to greet the quality of life for children, seniors, learning and social experiences that the residents. And it is always families and their communities. meet the needs and interests of both heartwarming to see a senior showing Kipling is certainly not the only children and seniors. For example, a three-year-old their date of birth on success story. The City of Toronto now our Move and Groove dance sessions their veteran’s service card. operates two other long-term care encourage children and seniors to homes with on-site child care centres, connect through music and move- Intergenerational interaction means Seven Oaks and Lakeshore Lodge. The ment, offering programs in dancing a healthier community popularity of the intergenerational and singing. Heathy social relationships between programs at these two locations is young children and older adults further proof of the value of such In our weekly Mail Delivery program, benefit the well-being of both the inclusive programming for the well- children dress up in mail carrier child and the older adult in the short being of all our communities.2 v uniforms and, with the support of and long term. These connections educators, help deliver mail received at don’t replace or serve as a substitute the front desk to participating seniors. for the valuable relationships that This experience helps the children children have with their grandparents

38 VISIONS Vol. 14 No. 3 2019 for footnotes go to www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions Beyond Loneliness BUILDING STRONG COMMUNITY THROUGH MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION

Amie Peacock

When my mother came from the Philippines for an extended time to attend my wedding in 2001, it was the most special period in my life. My mother is, after all, my heroine.

Amie is Founder and Executive Director of Beyond the Conversation, a non-profit that fosters belonging, self-confidence and community connection among seniors, youth, new immigrants and refugees. Amie immigrated from the Philippines more than 20 years ago. With Beyond the Conversation, she is helping to weave community and change in Greater Vancouver

Amie Peacock at the first Walk to End Social Isolation in 2018

A strong-willed person, my mother the English language, the lack of her is full of life and the most generous cultivated community support and the human being I’ve ever known. But absence of her own friends. She could within six months of her arrival in not engage in any of her familiar daily Canada, I noticed a dramatic change activities or social networks in Canada. in her physical, mental, emotional She had left all of that behind in the and spiritual well-being. My fashion Philippines. The strong, happy and designer sister and I became scared healthy person we loved so much was that our mother would spiral into such now displaying all the signs of stress, a severe depression and hopelessness loneliness and depression brought on that she would become unrecognizable by social isolation. and would cease being someone who lived life to the full. I love my mother, and it would have been great to have her continue living It was clear that our mother was expe- with us in Canada so that my sister riencing a profound culture shock in and I could look after and care for her. every sense possible, a shock that was Having her immigrate to Canada had compounded by her difficulty with been part of the plan all along. But we

2019 Vol. 14 No. 3 VISIONS 39 alternatives + approaches

students and youth make meaningful in-person social connections. We run 13 discussion groups in the Greater Vancouver area. These groups meet once each week for two hours at a time. The groups are typically small— usually 6 to 12 people—in order to foster a welcoming experience and a sense of belonging.

Although group conversations are facilitated by a trained volunteer, discussions can be wide-ranging, anything from why we serve turkey on Thanksgiving Day to what we think of pipelines. Each group hosts sessions in a unique way. We focus on building Photo credit: The Canadian Press/Darryl Dyck deeper relationships with each other, Amie Peacock, centre, founder of the volunteer group Beyond the Conversation, so we take our conversation cues speaks with a senior citizen during a weekly group meeting to help people practise from the individuals that make up their English skills, combat social isolation and foster relationships, in Vancouver, BC, each group. Discussion topics are on Friday February 23, 2018 often generated by our participants and based on issues that are relevant to them. This way, participants and realized that she could not flourish in profoundly it affected her made me volunteers feel a sense of ownership Vancouver. She didn’t feel like she had wonder how many other people and help to generate solutions that are any energy left to invest in building also suffer from isolation. After my personally meaningful. her new community. She wanted to mother left, I vowed that I would do be independent, but she was afraid to what I could to end social isolation At Beyond the Conversation, we go out and do the sorts of things that for other people, even if it was for just emphasize the importance of making make her feel alive, like socializing one person. Thus was born Beyond intergenerational, multicultural with friends. the Conversation, an organization connections in an atmosphere of that fosters awareness and provides absolute , respect and honesty. In the Philippines, my mom is support for those experiencing loneli- Staff and volunteers take the time dignified and loved, well liked and ness in their communities. to get to know our participants and respected by the villagers, independent listen to their stories, whatever stage and free to do anything she wishes. Talking about loneliness of life they’re at. We don’t have all the She made the difficult decision to One of the most important things we answers for life’s troubles, but we offer return to the Philippines. Sure enough, can do to combat loneliness in our a compassionate ear, and our discus- upon her return, my mother picked up communities is to create the space we sion groups provide participants with her activities where she had left off. need to talk about it. In person. With a chance to share similar experiences Now in her 90s, she is still physically each other. and to pool ideas. We listen without active and mentally engaged, living a judgement, opening our hearts to each full and happy life. In the three years since the founding person as a unique individual. of Beyond the Conversation, we have Watching my healthy mother experi- helped hundreds of seniors, new When we listen this way, all of us ence social isolation and seeing how immigrants, refugees, international benefit. From our participants, we often

40 VISIONS Vol. 14 No. 3 2019 for footnotes go to www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions hear comments like “It took three buses connections in the Vancouver area, The future and Beyond for me to get here, but it didn’t matter recently pointed out that Beyond the Beyond the Conversation is changing because I love coming to this group” Conversation is not simply an orga- the story of loneliness and isolation, and “I feel so comfortable and alive nization but an innovative movement one conversation at a time. Our with you guys.” Many of our volun- with the energy and power to change goal is to establish 100 in-person teers have also struggled with loneli- our community. Although we have discussion groups throughout BC and ness in the past, and this first-hand no outside funding, we’ve been able to become a nationally recognized experience means they have a deep to grow and collaborate on projects organization by the year 2020. We are appreciation for what our program can with a group of amazing community planning presentations at high schools, offer participants. One volunteer facili- partners, including faith groups, colleges and universities, workplaces, tator remarked, “As we give a piece of neighbourhood houses, community community centres, cultural centres ourselves, we also receive healing.” It’s centres, NGOs and local businesses. and seniors’ care centres, with the aim true: when we feel like we belong, we of expanding our intergenerational, can begin to share some of the burdens We are also organic, in that everything multicultural programming. we carry. Beyond the Conversation we do begins with a very basic, real offers a safe, welcoming space to share question: What do our participants We are all touched by isolation and those burdens. need and how can we help provide loneliness at some point in our lives, them with meaningful solutions? whether we experience it ourselves At the very heart of our work is a Conversations and events that stem or watch a friend or family member desire for a deeper understanding of from this starting point result in prac- struggle. We all know someone who the issue of social connectedness. Why tical, sustainable social connections. needs support. At the moment when do people feel lonely? How can they we need that support, where do we feel less lonely? What can we do to lift Most importantly, we make sure that look for help? the burden of loneliness, even if only a we are always having fun. This helps little bit? to engage our participants and our Don’t put off making meaningful more than 50 volunteers. connections with others. Don’t wait for From there, we structure our discussion the “perfect” time, whether that time groups and our other events to meet At no point was the impact of our is after you graduate, after you get the different needs of individuals. In work clearer than on September 9, that promotion or after you retire. You the past, for example, we have offered 2018, when Beyond the Conversation might think it’s never the perfect time, basic language-skills training and a held its first Walk to End Social but the truth is, it’s always the perfect place to practise English. Yet many of Isolation in Vancouver. The one-and- time to reach out to others. our participants continue to return to a-half-kilometre route was designed our weekly discussion groups simply to accommodate everyone, including The most pleasurable moments for because we offer a space of belonging. people with limited mobility. At the me as the founder and executive We help individuals to establish a event, a series of invited speakers of director of Beyond the Conversation firmer sense of self and purpose in their various ages and backgrounds shared are the ones I spend getting to know community. The most fulfilling part of personal stories of loneliness and talked our participants and our volunteers. our job is watching participants re-find about how they found the courage to Getting involved—as a participant or or reconnect to their inner beauty, identify their struggles and seek help. as a volunteer—is easy. It begins with strength and confidence. These stories were so powerful that a conversation by email or phone. For many in the audience were inspired more information, visit us at Taking the conversation into the to share their own stories in the open- www.beyondtheconversation.ca or wider community mic session that followed. Audience call 778-710-1499. v A friend from the Vancouver Founda- members came forward to thank us for tion, a philanthropic organization that creating an environment of acceptance, helps build meaningful community honesty and respect.

2019 Vol. 14 No. 3 VISIONS 41 alternatives + approaches On the Table VANCOUVER FOUNDATION CELEBRATES COMMUNITY BY CONNECTING WITH BC RESIDENTS OVER A MEAL AND CONVERSATION

Trina Prior

In the fall of 2018, Vancouver Foundation turned 75. The community-based philanthropic organization celebrated this important anniversary with over 4,500 people around the province, sharing a meal and a conversation.

Trina is Manager of Partnerships & Community Initiatives at Vancouver Foundation, a community-based philanthropic organization. She has worked on the Vital Signs and Connect & Engage reports and with the provincial On the Table initiative. She is currently completing a master’s degree in philanthropy and nonprofit leadership at Carleton University

Photo credit: Rawpixel at ©iStockphoto.com

The idea for Vancouver Foundation’s With support and guidance from On the Table initiative began almost CCT, we created our own version of two years ago, when we learned about On the Table. The key piece of advice the On the Table (OTT) program we received from CCT was that the established in 2014 by the Chicago On the Table initiative should fit Community Trust (CCT).1 The annual with the work we are already doing. CCT event unites people from diverse For Vancouver Foundation, OTT is backgrounds, bringing them together an initiative that gets to the heart of to share a meal and conversation, what community foundations are all to build personal connections and about—connecting people to each explore ways to strengthen their other and building stronger communi- community. The concept of the project ties. The initiative was also a clear resonated with us because of its extension of the work we had started simplicity and its impact. in 2012 with our connections and engagement research, which focuses

42 VISIONS Vol. 14 No. 3 2019 for footnotes go to www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions on social isolation in the metropolitan On the Table took place on September met at an event. In addition, many Vancouver area.2 13, 2018. Across British Columbia, participants reported that they had 4,500 people from communities large been inspired to take action based on In 2012, when we released our first and small participated in 361 hosted their conversation. Connections and Engagement report, events. The initiative served as a we were surprised by the immediate province-wide celebration but more When we launched the initiative, we buzz it generated. We knew then that importantly as a catalyst and platform were not sure if this would be a one- we had hit upon something vital to the for people to connect within their time event for our 75th anniversary or health of our communities. Through own communities. We learned several if it was something we could repeat our research, we found that Vancouver things from those events. and build upon. Thanks to the support can be a difficult place to make new and encouragement we received friends, and that frequently, people’s Not surprisingly, many of the from community members, we are connections with their neighbours conversations focused on belonging pleased to be organizing our second are cordial but weak. Many people and community engagement, but an On the Table event in 2019. We hope to were spending more time alone than inspiring range of other topics also expand the circle even wider, inspiring they would like. The greatest obstacle emerged. Some were fun and social, more communities to take part and to community engagement was an such as What’s Good in the Hood? and bring people together, face to face, to individual’s feeling that they didn’t Does It Belong in a Museum? Others share food and conversation about have anything of value to offer others. were more serious: Is Democracy in what matters most to them. Trouble? and Mental Health and Art. Our follow-up report in 20173 found Some meals were hosted by seasoned Social isolation is a complex issue. that levels of community participation conveners, but many others were initi- We know that one meal is not going had declined even further since the ated by people who had never even to solve the problem, but it is a initial research. We were encouraged, attended something like this, much good place to start. In September however, to find that most people less hosted such an event. Venues 2019, we invite you to be part of the wanted to find ways to increase their included boardrooms, coffee shops, conversation. Please visit levels of connection and engagement. backyards, living rooms—even a cargo www.onthetablebc.com to stay Despite increasing reliance on tech- container. Meals ranged from tacos in the loop. v nology, people still prefer to connect in and cider to kombucha and blueber- person. Most people, particularly those ries. No two conversations were who have lived in the area for a short exactly alike, but what they all had in period of time, want to get to know common was that they were started their neighbours better. by someone who had something they wanted to share and talk about. Over the past six years of study, we have learned that people long for We started this project with the belief a deeper connection to neighbours that people want to connect with each and community. We saw our 75th other but they might need a bit of a anniversary as a way to live our nudge to do so. Our OTT follow-up values of being community-inspired survey proved our assumption to be and increasing a sense of community correct: 98% of hosts reported that On belonging. On the Table became the the Table provided an opportunity to perfect vehicle for us. Instead of orga- host a conversation that would not nizing one large community event, have otherwise happened.4 Even more we gave people the tools to create exciting for us was that 72% of OTT their own events, focusing on what guests said they wanted to stay in mattered most to them. contact with someone new they had

2019 Vol. 14 No. 3 VISIONS 43 resources

Federal/Provincial/Territorial Ministers HeretoHelp Responsible for Seniors Wellness Module 3: www.canada.ca/en/employment-social-development/ www.heretohelp.bc.ca/wellness-module/wellness-module-3- corporate/seniors/forum.html social-support Find the Social Isolation and Social Innovation Toolkit to learn This Wellness Module discusses the importance of social more about loneliness among older adults in Canada and explore connections and describes different ways people can ask for and solutions, learn more about resources across Canada, find offer social supports. You can also take a quiz to see how much information for caregivers, and more. support you have.

Vancouver Foundation The Loneliness Project Connect & Engage thelonelinessproject.org www.vancouverfoundation.ca/connectandengage/key-findings The Loneliness Project, a Canadian initiative, is a collection of A Survey of Metro Vancouver 2017 measures social connections personal stories about loneliness that aims to help people develop and community engagement among Metro Vancouver residents. compassion for others and themselves. Anyone can share On The Table Community Reflections and Insights their story—personal stories cover a range of topics related to www.vancouverfoundation.ca/whats-new/table-community- loneliness, and some discuss strategies that are helping them reflections-and-insights-report build new connections. Hosts and participants reflect on the lessons they learned and show the power of simple conversations. Department for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, UK A connected society: A strategy for tackling loneliness— Beyond Differences laying the foundations for change www.beyonddifferences.org www.gov.uk/government/publications/a-connected-society- This US-based organization helps young people tackle social a-strategy-for-tackling-loneliness isolation at school. They offer three programs: Know Your This report highlights the UK’s national strategy to combat Classmates, No One Eats Alone, and Be Kind Online, and they loneliness—headed by the Minister for Loneliness—from a better offer resources and tools for students and teachers. understanding of what it means to feel lonely to actions that communities can take to foster a culture of inclusion and support. Canadian Mental Health Association Coping with Loneliness What Works Wellbeing www.cmha.bc.ca/documents/coping-with-loneliness/ An overview of reviews: the effectiveness of interventions to This fact sheet shares tips to help you understand loneliness and address loneliness at all stages of the life-course seek social connections. whatworkswellbeing.org/loneliness/ This UK report reviews research on loneliness, including who feels lonely and why they feel lonely, and the efficacy of interventions and different approaches to alleviating loneliness.

This list is not comprehensive and does not necessarily imply endorsement of all the content available in these resources.

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