Focus ARTS SPORT Foiling Varsity Blues Fraudsters Gallery Rugby Page 18 Arts Page 16 Page 21

where 20p sold The Cambridge Issue 524 Student Newspaper 6th October 2000 www.varsity.cam.ac.uk

History faculty bikes back: feathers are ruffled as bike racks scandal casts scandal Anger at over Sidgewick site (see Page 2 for story) PM’s visit

Elizabeth Day “due to a longstanding prior Ben Sheriff engagement,” although it was The Cambridge University understood until quite recently Malaysian Society is embroiled in that he would be there. He will controversy this week over its instead be sending his deputy, decision to invite the Malaysian Mrs Anne Lonsdale. The Vice- Prime Minister to speak at a Chancellor said, “Malaysia sends forum, in spite of Malaysia’s more students to Cambridge recent human rights record. today than any other The conference, ‘Malaysia in Commonwealth country and its the New Millennium’, will be students are highly motivated held tomorrow. According to with an impressive record of CUMAS President, Tan Khoon achievement. They are also for- Tee, its sole aim is to bring ward-looking, as illustrated by together “key Malaysian policy- their organisation of the makers to discuss current ‘Malaysia in the New Malaysian issues”. Yet the Millennium’ conference, the Cambridge Coalition for a Free importance of which is indicated Malaysia has written to the by the attendance of the Prime University Chancellor Prince Minister.” Philip protesting against the invi- Professor Amartya Sen, Master tation extended to Dr Mahathir of Trinity College and a former Mohamad and claiming the sup- Nobel Prize winner was also port of a Cambridge Nobel Prize unable to attend “owing to previ- winner for their protest. They ous engagements”. Speculation accuse the Malaysian Premier of from some sources has linked using restrictive legislation such Professor Sen with the Coalition as the Internal Security Act to for a Free Malaysia’s claim of sup- curb freedom of expression and port from a Nobel Prize Winner. association. Mr Michael Kitson of St The allegations surround Catharine’s College, who will be Photos: Emma Woolerton Deputy Prime Minister Anwar speaking at the conference, Ibrahim, who was dismissed refused to comment on the from his post in September 1998 Malaysian regime’s human rights by Dr Mohamad, arrested and record. The reluctance at the severely beaten in custody. At his highest levels of the university to Banks slash student services trial, witnesses reversed their pre- give the CUMAS forum an offi- vious testimony and Anwar’s cial stamp of approval has not lawyer was jailed, leading to near- dampened Tan Khoon Tee’s universal condemnation of the enthusiasm for the conference. express their shock at the treat- a figure is felt to be a major tendencies of language and Malaysian regime by human The CUMAS President said, Jennifer Watson ment of overseas students by constraint and is particulary international students to take rights groups worldwide. “The very fact that the Malaysian banks which currently give resented by those students situ- off without paying their over- Amnesty International is stag- Prime Minister has agreed to Barclays Bank, infamous over British student generous bene- ated near Addenbrooke’s, where draft. ing a peaceful protest outside the attend proves that he is willing to the summer for its unpopular fits. Last year, HSBC did not Barclays is the only banking A Barclays spokeman told conference venue, Lady Mitchell answer any allegations.” charges on cash machines, allow Wolfson students from facility. The main impetus for Varsity that international stu- Hall, on Saturday. Clare Hinkley Further defending the forum could again be at the centre of Middle Eastern countries to this change in policy seems to dents are not eligible for the Smith, Cambridge University from an onslaught of criticism, outrage as it leads a move open accounts although they be based on a distrust of foreign usual UK student account, and Amnesty President, plans to be Tan Khoon Tee said this week towards reducing student bank- had healthy balances in old student customers. In a letter to there is a £2,000 balance level there “to give voice to the con- that the Prime Minister’s oppo- ing perks. The bank of accounts. Another student a Bangladeshi PhD student for the Student Solutions cerns of Malaysian students nents “have the right to express Cambridge University and a could not open an account in Barclays refused to grant a debit account. He said that other unable to express themselves an opinion but the way in which high profile sponsor of the Cambridge despite having an card faciltity claiming that the overseas customers would usu- freely”. Almost all Malaysian stu- they express it needs due consid- NUS, Barclays has created seri- existing account with an HSBC customer was from a “high risk ally pay £10 a month for the dents at Cambridge are govern- eration. Quite a lot of the oppo- ous unease amoungst overseas branch in their home country. group”, though he had sound service, adding that “Market ment funded scholars and there- sition is motivated by personal students whom it appears to see Students were advised to avoid personal finances. Arnie research has showed that this is fore unable to protest openly. sentiment or loyalty to some- as untrustworthy. High street banking with HSBC but now Valdiva-Machuca, graduate rep- the package overseas students Amidst this growing furore, one.” banks have been indispensable find that Barclays Bank has also resentative of Clare Hall, find most useful.” several economists and academics Jenny Kleeman, a third year allies to students since the par- introduced prohibitive penalties described this comment as “not Lloyds Bank has similar anxi- from Cambridge University are SPS student who earlier this year ing down of government fund- for international students. only…offensive but honestly eties regarding foreign students. allegedly boycotting the confer- participated in a peaceful demon- ing, but now seem to be follow- Barclays has introduced a xenophobic” and suggested However, when asked about the ence, citing previous commit- stration against the visit of the ing a less charitable path in standard account for interna- such matters should be “not bank’s treatment of these stu- ments and withdrawing their Chinese Prime Minister to their attitude towards needy tional students which does not about personalities but about dents, a representative participation. In spite of an invi- Cambridge, responded that “no customers. offer loans or credit card facili- individuals.” explained that though they did tation, and CUMAS’ initial insis- matter how prestigious the politi- Graduate representatives from ties, and which requires a min- When the former Graduate not offer overdraft facitilities to tence that he would be partici- cian, a dismal human rights Clare Hall and Wolfson, imium deposit balance of Union President Anne overseas students, they did offer pating, University Vice- record cannot be ignored and the amongst others, have written to £2,000 at all times, charging a Thidemann visited Barclays for a standard high street current Chancellor Professor Sir Alec only way to make this heard is the Graduate Union and CUSU pound for every transaction an explanation, the bank told Broers will not be attending, through direct action.” President Mat Coakley to conducted below this line. Such her of its concerns about the Continued on Page 2

Meet Tony Blair: page 4 …more online http://www.varsity.cam.ac.uk 2 News Varsity 6 October 2000 Banks Slash Services Ethical Guidelines for University Continued from front page leading mechanical engineering compa- that it went through, but our priority account with an Electron card. Once come the opportunity to extricate Angela Grainger ny, and had attached no conditions to now is establishing future good prac- they had built up a relationship with themselves from lenient student bank- the benefaction. However, a representa- tice”. CUSU will be working with the bank over several months, Lloyds ing. The traditional attitude that stu- Companies such as arms-exporting tive of GKN will sit on the Board of groups like People and Planet and would be prepared to review overseas dent accounts win loyalty for life is GKN could have their ethical records Electors for the Professorship. He said Amnesty International to keep an eye students’ accounts. Surprisingly, given being undermined by the shop- scrutinised before their Cambridge that the company has assured him that on the wider picture. students’ experiences, HSBC told around lifestyle of today’s consumers, Professorships are established, after a “No GKN subsidiary has any outstand- Controversy over the GKN chair Varsity that they looked at student as instant returns become more CUSU paper on the issue was passed by ing contract with Indonesia and none reflects concerns throughout the aca- accounts only in relation to individual appealing. In the pipeline is the clo- University Council last month. A are being sought.” demic world that research interests are funding, that they were an interna- sure of Barclays’ specialist student Council committee is to be formed to But such debates have led University being compromised by business tional company dealing in eighty-four branches and less discretion for lay down clear guidelines to judge the Council to accept that their framework involvement. Many will be sceptical countries and that if international stu- branches to increase overdraft limits. suitability of deals on an individual for decisions like these was unclear. The about the guidelines as industrial fund- dents were accepted at the bank it was Comments made to Varsity by the stu- basis. Council based their decision on the cri- ing has become crucial to the on an “all or nothing” basis. dent marketing manager of HSBC Applications for the GKN chair in teria of what was ‘lawful and ethical’. University’s budget. Worryingly for students everywhere assuring students that HSBC “is not Manufacturing Engineering were invit- Mat Coakley’s paper means the group’s Cambridge involvement with indus- who depend on the goodwill of bank planning to pull out of the student ed last Wednesday. The chair was estab- explicit guidelines will cover external try also includes chairs sponsored by managers and the flexibility of inter- market at all,” contradict Barclays’ lished in August. Its creation was financial arrangements and commercial • BP (Organic Chemistry and est-free overdrafts, the tightening up claim that they are only following the opposed at the time by ethical lobby partnerships, in addition to donations. Petroleum Science) of international students’ accounts at same course as other banks. Mat groups and CUSU. The group will be nominated by • GlaxoWellcome (Molecular Barclays might just be the start of a Coakley has reassured students that Pressure group Campaign Against the Council and its composition is yet to be Parasitology) general trend. The Women’s Officer of “CUSU is currently looking at various Arms Trade ranks GKN as one of the decided. • ICI (Applied Thermodynamics) the Oxford Brookes Student Union, banks’ policies”, and “if certain banks country’s major arms exporters. Coakley is optimistic that students • Marks and Spencer (Farm Animal surprised by the tepidity of high street are treating international students as Allegations have been made publically will have a voice. He told Varsity, “This Health) banks’ responses when offered a stall unfair targets for unjustifiable charges that the company’s Tacita water can- is the first time the University has actu- • PriceWaterhouse (Financial at the freshers’ fair, was told by a local then we will be prepared to name and nons were used to spray students with ally admitted it needs to think about Accounting) representative of Barclays student shame them… A boycott is an dye in Indonesia in 1996, although evi- ethical policy – and now we know that • Unilever (Molecular Science) services that most banks would wel- option.” dence is inconclusive. some people on Council are on our • Shell (Chemical Engineering) Advocates of the sponsorship include side.” The University also houses laborato- Engineering Professor Mike Gregory. CUSU is not planning further protest ries belonging to AT&T, Microsoft, He argued that the company is the UK’s over the GKN chair. “We’re not pleased Rolls-Royce, and Zeneca. “Meat hooks” get History faculty hot under the collar

consultation in the History Faculty. They and has been overseen by the University Emma Woolerton describe the racks as “meat hooks”, and Estate Management and Building Service hint that the structures are “like something (EMBS). The EMBS are responsible for Historians clearly don’t have enough work. out of Monty Python”. The issue has constructing the racks, installed to increase A storm of controversy has been whipped clearly ruffled historical feathers; they say the amount of cycle space on the Sidgwick up on the Sidgwick site after the launch of that the Faculty has been “protesting site. Cycles are hung vertically from hooks, a petition by the Faculty of History against about them all summer, without success.” arranged under four parasol-like canopies, new bike racks erected as part of the The statement questions the cost of the with electric lighting. Divinity School building project. The racks, as well as raising the issue of how Students don’t seem overly concerned Faculty, adjacent to the offending racks, user-friendly they are likely to be. The about the matter. Trinity historian Simon objects strongly to their construction, and hanging hooks are six feet from the Elliston Ball told Varsity, “I didn’t even is calling for them to be removed. ground, causing difficulties for short peo- notice the bike racks.” A second-year his- Dr D J Reynolds, the Faculty Board ple who wish to take advantage of the torian said, “They look a bit space-age; I’m Secretary, and Professor C M Andrew, cycle hanging facility. quite excited.” Faculty Chairman, have issued a joint The Divinity School building scheme is The petition is available to be signed in the statement about the racks, available for being run by Edward Cullinan Architects, Seeley library. The ten second Varsity In Varsity ➠News Not Jesus, Christ’s Superstar Boaties to leave Cambridge 170 rowers to steer Ancient Trireme from Africa to Athens – p 3 Angela Grainger the proportion of men and women achiev- eventually reflected by the type of student quality.” He sees a link between achieve- ing firsts across the university. who seeks out an ‘academic’ college. But ment and the ability of applicants: “If ➠News Features State school-educated Cambridge stu- According to last year’s Tripos results, despite the unpopular introduction of an some people who are lower in the table Downing Street Sarah Brealey dents match their private school-educated Christ’s students are the cleverest in academic room ballot and shorter bar put a bit more effort into their admissions, meets Alastair Campbell counterparts grade for grade across Cambridge. The college’s performance has opening hours at Corpus Christi, Senior it might have a good effect.” (Interesting) and Tony Blair (Not) Cambridge, according to the Vice- been consistently high, as the annual Tutor Chris Kelly’s policies have been The reasons behind broader trends in – p 4 Chancellor’s latest official statistics. Firsts Tompkins Table of examination results unable to prevent the college dropping the results are complex but the tables indi- were awarded to 20.4% of students from across colleges shows. According to this two places and two per cent. cate the difference between Christ’s ➠News Features maintained schools compared to 20.1% of year’s table, Christ’s has achieved the high- Peter Tompkins believes the tables are “a (67.7%) and Newnham (57.5%) is only a Boxline Oxford students organise students from independent schools in est average points score over the past twen- general pointer to good quality and low mean average difference of 10.2%. ‘exciting new website’ and it’s good 1999. ty years. – p 6 A report this week from History don Dr The table is based on a percentage of the Adam Tooze indicated that in certain sub- maximum points awarded if every student ➠Interview jects, such as English and History, social in a Cambridge college received a first- Tracey Emin is chatted up by Mark background is an important factor, but class degree. A first scores five points, an Lobel, but is far too classy – p 15 CUSU officers suggest that the problem of upper second scores three, a lower second relative academic underachievement is two points, and a third one point. ➠Society more complex. The table suggests that a tradition of aca- Reggie Kray Dead but not forgot- Louise Capel-Cure, Academic Affairs demic achievement impacts on access as ten – p 17 Officer, disagrees. “There is no significant well as future grades, a sensitive issue difference in achievement levels at all in across the university and in student poli- ➠Sport Cambridge, based on school back- tics. On the whole the position of the top Rugby Blues beat Imperial medics ground,” she said. “Across the country’s and bottom colleges is reasonably consis- – p 21 top 16 universities, state school students tent from year to year. For the second year are around 20% more likely to get a first.” running, Newnham is at the foot of the In Varsity Arts Earlier this week Dr Tooze was quoted tables. Trinity, Clare, Christ’s and Caius describing the “massive gap” in achieve- colleges have never been in the bottom ➠Music ment between a “comprehensive school- third. Kylie returns to her pop roots, sexi- educated daughter of a public service On the surface, the tables would appear er than ever – Arts 2 worker” and a “private school-educated to reinforce this week’s reports that social son of a top barrister” in History exams. background is of importance in determin- ➠Film But Capel-Cure believes that despite his ing Cambridge grades. The bottom ten Titus Anthony Hopkins impresses findings, female students should not colleges in the table include Newnham, as Shakespearean anti-hero – Arts 4 despair. Fitzwilliam, King’s, Robinson, Girton, “Statistics suggest that achievement is New Hall and Churchill. But CUSU ➠Theatre very much linked to the subject studied, President Mat Coakley said, “There is cer- Hamlet To see or not to see? To see and women often choose arts subjects,” tainly no ‘cause and effect’ relationship – Arts 12 she said. A recent study from the Institute between school background and Tripos of Public Health shows that one in four mark”. ➠Visual Arts science students get firsts, compared to The policies of some Senior Tutors have The Gallery Worth a million one in seven in the arts. This may account indicated that they see a studious atmos- – Arts 16 in part for the overall difference between phere in their colleges as the key to success, Tripos tables shows Christ’s on top Photo: Emma Woolerton Varsity 06 October 2000 News 3 Cambridge rowers to relive ancient voyage News In Brief Deputy PM comes to Tosin Sulaiman tain parts of Africa. A series of four dependence’ culture, and a very restric- chance to do something totally unique expeditions are being planned, for tive system of government bureaucra- and be a part of something really big Cambridge Cambridge rowers will face their which over 500 students will be need- cy.” which will also raise a lot of cash for John Prescott, the Deputy Prime biggest challenge yet in an expedition ed. Money will be raised through spon- He believes Pump Aid’s success can Pump Aid.” Minister and head of the Department launched this week which will involve sorship, including corporate sponsor- be explained by the fact that “it pro- of the Environment and the Regions, 170 oarsmen and women rowing an ship. There will be four expeditions, vides something very fundamental If you would like to find out more about will be in Cambridge today to discuss ancient Greek warship from Athens to culminating in 2004 during the Athens (clean water); it places a lot of empha- rowing on the Trireme or would like to the city’s recent employment boom. Africa. Olympics, when 170 Cambridge stu- sis on participation with locals; and the get involved with the fundraising and Although a spokesman for the DETR Behind this ambitious project is Ian dents plan to row and sail the Trireme pump itself is extremely practical and publicity for the project, Ian Thorpe will refused to confirm the visit, the leader Thorpe, an MPhil student at Darwin during the opening ceremony. far more appropriate than a lot of exist- be giving a talk on Friday 6 October of Cambridge City Council, College, who hopes to raise £1 million The Trireme resides in the Athens ing pumps.” from 1.15 to 1.55pm at the Babbage Councillor David Howarth, told the for the charity Pump Aid. The charity Harbour in Pireus and has been used He believes the Trireme project is “a Lecture Theatre Cambridge Evening News that Mr. aims to improve access to clean drink- for a number of sea trials, but not for Prescott had requested the meeting to ing water and water from irrigation in major voyages. Chris Little, a former discuss the city’s future. some of the poorest areas of Africa. It rower on one of these trials, said “I’m was set up in 1995 and has so far been interested in how you will persuade the Students not fit supported by two Cambridge expedi- Greek Navy to lend you the pride and Cambridge University students tions to Zimbabwe and one this year to joy, and primary exhibit, of their don’t find one another that good Mozambique, where a team of twenty, national maritime museum.” looking. Figures published on the led by Ian Thorpe, carried out research Last summer, 500 Cambridge Red Mole website give Cambridge into the expansion of Pump Aid’s oper- University students applied to join the men 1.36 out of 4, with women rated ations from Zimbabwe to project by sending in their CVs and even worse, at 1.18 out of 4. Students Mozambique. Pump Aid was recently application forms and fifty were inter- at APU need not worry, however, as awarded a lottery grant of £75,000 to viewed. Although they did not set out their men and women both rank at build water pumps in Zimbabwe. for Africa until 19 July this year, the 2.33 out of 4 on the attractiveness The ship which will feature in Pump successful candidates began fundraising scale. The University of Cambridge Aid’s next fundraising venture is a and planning last November. Tom came 66th overall, out of 68 insitu- reconstruction of an ancient Greek Mercer, a student at Selwyn College, tions surveyed. The figures were com- ‘state of the art’ warship, the Trireme said, “Personally, I got a great insight piled from a survey of students at Olympias, built as a result of decades of into life in Africa, and particularly www.redmole.com. research carried out by Professor John Mozambique. It is a country where the Morrison, an archaeologist and the people have very little sense of identity. Olympic triumph founder of Wolfson College. The They were under colonial rule for years The Team GB gold count was ancient fighting ship, once used in the and then had a civil war for many boosted by the performances of two Persian and Peloponnesian wars, will years, then were hit with the floods ear- former Cambridge students. Kieran now be used to combat poverty in cer- lier this year. There is quite a large ‘aid The Trireme Olympias Photo: Ian Thorpe West, a Land Economy graduate who has returned to Cambridge to take a PGCE, was part of the victorious Men’s Coxed Eight crew. And former Freshers’ fun at Fair Full time Access Officer rowing Blue, Stephanie Cooke, gave Britain its final gold of the games by clinching the Modern Pentathlon. more favourably this year. For once, the could become part of the University Sanah Faridi whole ‘welcome to Cambridge’ experi- Tim Fisken Admissions Forum, which “is really Call for volunteers ence is not packed into just seven days, important in spreading good prac- Volunteers are needed for the vari- Many students find freshers’ week to be but has been spread out better over the A new full time post of Access Officer tice,” although Anne Newbould, Head ous University access initiatives. The hectic and stressful. With a packed term. The first years have more space to could herald the “biggest change in of the Intercollegiate Applications call for volunteers follows a summer timetable, they have little idea where in breathe, and others have more time to CUSU for many years,” according to Office, said she had “heard no serious of successful access schemes, includ- Cambridge to find all the exciting things help them. Freshers, we finally hail you as President Mat Coakley. proposal” from CUSU. ing the Sutton Trust Summer School, on offer, and on top of it all, CUSU human beings. CUSU Council will vote next CUSU claims it can afford a new which attracted over 200 Year 11 and demands they trek miles to some sports So to all those poor souls who had to Wednesday on whether to call a uni- post due to efficiency savings, along Year 12 students, and a day visit to hall to be physically harassed in the hope queue for ninety minutes to get in to the versity-wide referendum, changing the with increased advertising revenue the University for Year 10 pupils. If they may sign up to things they are by this fair – perhaps you should have sneaked in CUSU constitution to introduce the from “more professional publications” you are interested in volunteering, time too tired to care about. And if this is through the back. As one clever dick who new position, which will replace the and from The Cambridge Student, contact Rosemary Butcher, an event which can be exhausting for did this says: “The queue would have current part-time Target Schools post. which it says is set to bring in income Access/Schools Liaison Officer, at the freshers, the poor stallholders’ hands and been horrendous – had I been in it”. The The council motion points out that this year. CUSU also expects to make Cambridge Intercollegiate smiles are inhumanly taxed over the two- CUSU president gave Varsity a soundbite this would provide a full-time admin- more money this year as it now runs Applications Office (e-mail: day ordeal. which is probably churned out every year: istrator for the Target Schools scheme, student nights at both Fifth Avenue [email protected]). This year, however, things went much “The Fresher’s Fair is exhausting for those arguing that at the moment Target and Life, which would allow it to fund more smoothly. It has been, as CUSU working there and fun for those attend- Schools officers “often put their the Access Officer “even when there is New Wintercomfort President Mat Coakley put it, “the first ing.” degrees on the line,” due to the an expensive cock-up.” one without major cock-ups.” He is espe- For once, it was true. amount of work involved. The Target If CUSU council passes the motion, director cially proud, he says, of all the “cool lights Schools scheme could be expanded to students will be asked to vote to Wintercomfort, the Cambridge and great sound” emanating from the include regional tours of under-repre- change the constitution. The vote will charity for the homeless, has appoint- CUSU stall, from where the DJs created a sented areas such as Scotland and the be held at the same time as the refer- ed a new director. Dutch-born Mieke “veritable clubbing atmosphere” in the North-East. The Access Officer would endum on affiliation to the National Hinchliffe-Wood has previously room, right down to the high-energy also be “more pro-active,” campaign- Abortion Campaign, and the constitu- worked at the Herts and Essex drinks. The effort made was repaid by ing for reforms to the admissions pro- tion will be changed only if a suffi- Wildlife trust and the Coucil for the unprecedented student interest. Queues cedure and on funding issues like top- ciently large number of people (about Protection of Rural England. She to get in stretched around the block, with up fees or last year’s rents rises, which one thousand five hundred) vote in takes over from Ruth Wyner, one of freshers having to queue at times for over could affect access. favour. The last CUSU referendum the ‘Cambridge Two’, who were an hour and a half to get in. Over the two The motion says that the post would only attracted enough voters when it imprisoned for allowing the sale of days, around ten thousand people drifted be paid for by CUSU, despite specula- was held at the same time as the drugs at the Wintercomfort drop-in – or were shoved – in and out of the tion in the past that the University CUSU elections, but with the high- centre. The two were granted leave to packed hall. Varsity, of course, was might be willing to fund an Access profile controversy surrounding affili- appeal and released on bail in July; swamped by a huge crowd eager to sign Officer. According to Mat Coakley, ation to the NAC, Mat Coakley hopes their case is due to be heard in early up. the University would not agree to an that students will be aware of the ref- December. As usual, there were a huge variety of independent post that would be erendum. He also wants to persuade societies to choose from, from fan clubs accountable to students. “If we want- people to see this as about more than Memorial scholarship like The Spanish Inquisition, dedicated to ed the Access Officer to be able to just CUSU administration. “If people A scholarship has been set up in Monty Python, to the fringe groups, criticize the University, we would have don’t know about [the referendum] memory of Chris McMenemy, one of (Heraldic and Genealogical Society, any- to fund it,” he says. Despite this, we’ve lost a great opportunity to the three postgraduate students who one?), to the societies of every country Coakley claims the university is sup- change Cambridge for the future.” died in in the Tuila yacht tragedy this you can think of, from Mexican to portive of the proposal, adding that summer. Chris’ college, Trinity Hall, Scottish and Irish, to the too Cambridge the Access Officer would represent Write for Varsity News has joined with his family to found to be true – shooting, hare hunting and so students on the Joint Consultative Section meeting: Mon, 2:30. the scholarship, which will be for on. Committee on Admissions. He is also postgraduate study in Development Freshers’ week itself was also judged Photo: Martin Lucas-Smith optimistic that the Access Officer Varsity offices. or Environmental Studies. 4 News Features Varsity 06 October 2000 Tea at Number Ten

Northern Ireland also had some quite ports the Government. “It wasn’t very never spoken to the World at One. People think it’s sort of tailed off after that pro- Sarah Brealey hairy moments. hard to make the switch in roles. I did a lot who actually know me don’t have a prob- gramme and that’s why we did it. Some “In the fuel thing there was a feeling that of politics anyway. I was a Political jour- lem with me. I would accept that in terms days there was more about spin than any Tony Blair has remarkably little to say for there was a really new phenomenon going nalist rather than a political Journalist. I of a public image, insofar as it matters, I other issue. And this thing about us com- himself. Over lunch, he veers disconcert- on which you couldn’t quite understand. saw my role as a propagandist. don’t have a very good one, but I don’t plaining all the time – we very rarely com- ingly between the polite nothings of small You got a sense that people felt that there “On my first day here, when the jour- think it matters.” plain. We don’t have time to complain all talk and a series of soundbites on the state was really something going on and He never tires of complaining the time.” of the NHS or universities. He laughs a bit that they were up to it.” He has no about the media, especially news- Campbell does not appear abashed on too easily, especially when told about the regrets on the handling of the fuel papers. “You can get pretty large the opinion polls which showed the Tories students’ union which provided cheap crisis. “If we had caved in and held barriers between what we perceive with an eight-point lead, for the first time coaches to London to demonstrate against an emergency budget and cut fuel to be the reality and what people in the Government’s term. “Those polls tuition fees, only for half of those on board tax we would have been slaughtered are being told is the reality. were a referendum on what has been a to decide to go shopping instead. Perhaps in hours. We would have lost all Newspapers don’t really see them- pretty grim week. The country had virtu- he has just realised that he has little to fear credibility as a government. We dis- selves as newspapers any more. ally come to a halt. From time to time from student discontent. We are told that covered things we didn’t know, like They’ve cut back on marketing people want to give the Government a everything he says is off the record, but that the relationship between oil budgets and try to get noticed. whack. I don’t think real opinion changes frankly, if I was allowed to repeat his words companies and their drivers was They get noticed by having a posi- as fast as that. you wouldn’t be very interested. I went off such that if they didn’t want to drive, tion and trying to make an impact. “The media have a sense that the to talk to Alistair Campbell instead, who is they didn’t drive. As soon as ambu- Newspapers are going to go Opposition is completely useless and that reputed to supply most of the PM’s best lances and the health service started through a period of being taken therefore it falls to them to be the lines; a thought that doesn’t exactly fill me being affected the protests were over. less seriously because of what Opposition.” with optimism. In fact, he is remarkably I don’t think the protesters set out to they’ve become.” On Andrew Rawnsley’s book, which interesting, and has to be regularly bring the country to a halt. I think On the subject of journalists he is went into lengthy detail on the conflicts reminded by worried press officers that he they were quite shocked. vituperative. “Matthew Parris is between Blair and Brown, he is less than is on tape, but he insists that it’s fine for “Policies aren’t the difficult bit. just a joke. No one takes him seri- sanguine. “Short-term, it wasn’t terribly me to print whatever I want. Usually policies are pretty strong, ously because he’s a joke...I don’t good. A lot of us spoke to him while he “Don’t believe what you hear,” says Tessa though like the 75p pensions thing, think John Humphries is very was doing the book, because we thought it Jowell by way of introduction to him. He you may have a lot of explaining to interesting. He just gets into a row. was going to be a serious book. When we comes in clutching tea in a red “Smaller do. When Harold Wilson said, “A The last thing you want to listen to heard that the Daily Mail had serial rights Class Sizes” mug. Later he appears with a week is a long time in politics,” what in the morning is a row.” we thought, ‘Oh dear, maybe it’s not that “More Jobs for Young People” number in he meant was, if you’ve got the same Apparently Campbell rates Peter serious.’” fuchsia pink. He seems disconcertingly on story going on for a whole week, Riddell, Hugo Young and Don Campbell is infamously close to Blair – message. then you know that you’ve got a real McIntyre. you could not put a radicchio leaf between He describes his job as “tough” and problem. Campbell is renowned as a mas- them, according to the Daily Telegraph – “challenging.” Asked what has been his “You hope that if you sort out the econ- nalists came into the briefing I told them ter of spin, a major part of the propagan- and often accused of being an eminence most challenging period, he pauses, then omy, that’s what you’ll get judged on. that whatever friendships I had had there da machine which surrounds Blair and grise. He refuses to say whether he wrote says, “Funnily enough, most people forget Personal stuff like Ron Davies on were gone. I don’t have friends.” seems to expand constantly. He says impa- Peter Mandelson’s letter of resignation, but we were in Opposition. We had some Clapham Common and the Prime You can see why he is frequently por- tiently, “All the stuff about spin is just a his answer is suggestive. “I was with pretty rocky moments in Opposition. You Minister’s children – that can be quite dif- trayed as rude, abusive, even downright load of old balls.” He was recently the star Mandelson at the time of his resigna- get moments when an issue becomes so ficult. You have to hope that delivery on sinister. But he insists he does not worry of a television documentary which gave tion…I don’t think we need to get into the big and overwhelming that you don’t the big issues will see you through.” about his own image. “Most middle man- fly-on-the-wall access to the Downing entrails of this Government. know when it’s going to end. Kosovo was Campbell has a difficult, if symbiotic, agers at the BBC will tell you I’m a bully Street press machine. “I don’t regret doing “I think I’ll resign on the day the election one of those. We were in a war; you knew relationship with the press. He used to be who keeps haranguing them on the end of the Cockerill documentary at all. I did it is called and go back to the Labour Party the military war couldn’t be lost but the Political Editor of the Mirror, and still says the phone, and I will have never spoken to because there was so much in the media whence I came. I’ll probably do the same propaganda war could have been lost. that the Mirror is the only paper that sup- them. The World at One said that, and I’ve about our spin which wasn’t at all true. I job as in the last election.” Varsity 6 October 2000 News Features 7 The Sketch Forget New Age Masculinity. Forget Conventional wisdom Athena posters with soft-focus Gillette men and babies. Take yourself back to the era of beer-swilling Skinner and political resurrection for the Vice- weren’t for the constitutional term limits, her words, but the key to his subsequent Baddiel. The boys are back in town. Or Tosin Sulaiman President because as one commentator they would vote for Clinton again. “Not rise in the polls lay in his achieving the rather, the Tory Boy is back in town. remarked, “I don’t want to say Al Gore is over Al Gore though,” one quickly right balance between spelling out his William Hague is being reincarnated as For four days and four nights this in trouble, but basically the kid from added. policies in detail and showing a softer a lad. August, Los Angeles was host to the Sixth Sense can see him.” Despite the Monica-free emotion side of himself. The spontaneous kiss he For evidence of his Miami Vice Democratic National Convention, Conventions are essentially live party greeting Clinton’s perfrmance, the gener- gave his wife before his speech also went machismo, look no further than his where thousands of delegates from all political broadcasts; rare opportunities al atmosphere inside the Staples Centre a long way in showing that this ‘cyborg iron-cast pledge to rid this country of over America donned their Democratic for the main parties to gain free media was one of unrestrained festivity as dele- candidate’ was human after all. A the scum of token-wielding, house- hats to nominate Al Gore and Joe coverage as they present their policies gates and audience members clapped speechwriter for the Mayor of stealing, pension-under-false-pretences Lieberman as their presidential and vice- and their most popular personalities. and waved their identical banners to pop Washington DC explained, “Gore’s asylum-seekers. Gasp with half-admi- presidential candidates. During those On the convention’s opening night, del- songs with a message (We are Family, never been light on policy, but he’s had ration at his ability to neck a massive four days, the Staples Centre where the egates had a chance to say farewell (albeit Larger than Life, Why Walk when you can trouble selling himself, convincing peo- 14 pints a day (at 98 pints a week, this event was held, was besieged by sound- reluctantly) to Bill Clinton. Such was the Fly). Bill Clinton was even given a ple he believes what he’s saying. I think must surely put William Hague on a bite-hungry journalists, attention-crav- intensity of the applause he received mock-Oscar for his troubles. One jour- he did a good job of that in this address. level footing with that other laddish ing protesters and an overzealous Los before he began his speech that he had to nalist summed up the attitude of many And, more than anything else that’s what boozer, Euan Blair). Nod with leering Angeles Police Department, who made say “Thank you” 14 times to get the people to conventions when he said, he needed to do: prove to the American approval at his own Page 3 totty, Welsh the city look, as a visitor put it, like a audience to keep quiet. The speech, in “I’m impressed by the spectacle of it all. people that he really cared.” In doing so, Rarebit Ffion with lovely natural jub- third world country that had just com- which he boasted of his accomplish- I’m also impressed by the lack of sub- he was interrupted by applause 60 times, blies. Be impressed by his cowboy pleted a military coup. ments over the past eight years, seemed stance of it all.” some of his most popular lines being his mentality, as revealed in a recent Against this backdrop, the charismati- to bring about a collective amnesia in On the final day of this “insubstantial” acknowledgement that he may not be Channel 4 documentary. William was cally-challenged Al Gore needed to sell members of the audience over his Oval convention, many delegates were clear “the most exciting politician” and his not going to “get angry”. Oh no. He himself to the American voters watching Office exploits. One woman admitted, what they wanted from Al Gore in his declaration that “the presidency is more was going to “get even”. He dispatches at home, whilst bringing to an end his “tears were rolling down my eyes. I was acceptance speech – they wanted him to than a popularity contest.” political rivals as “lying charlatans” Republican rival George W. Bush’s sig- trying so hard to think of him with be Bill Clinton. “I’d like to see him get Only at a convention could a politician squinting at the Red Labour Indian in nificant lead in the polls. The latter task Monica, but I just couldn’t.” Almost all us excited, the way Bill Clinton can” said get a standing ovation for admitting he the distance. As the High Noon of would amount to nothing less than a the delegates I spoke to said that if it a supporter. Gore may not have heeded was boring. local elections approaches, Billy the Kid laughs with the sardonic certainty of a man comfortable with his own penis length. Tory Boy is Tory Man, foraging for the meat of politics and hauling it back to the cave of a hungry electorate. Or so the Conservative spin doctors would have us believe. Unfortunately for William Hague, this carefully-con- structed web of testosterone is fooling no-one. Firstly, we all realise that his Bruce Willis ‘Die Hard’ haircut is sim- ply a way of disguising premature bald- ness. Secondly, Tony Blair is more fer- tile and has the baby to prove it. Thirdly, there is the matter of William’s voice. It gravels along like a creaking Sulaiman Tosin Photos by bit of Yorkshire mining machinery. A Yanks Tanks Planks faulty lift shaft vibrating with the knowledge of its own ultimate redun- dancy. He has always spoken like this even when, as a sixteen-year-old, he stood up in front of a hall full of Tories and talked about avoiding the hellish The future of asylum in Britain indignity of Callaghan’s government. There is definitely something un- manly about an unbroken teenage voice sounding exactly the same as a Yasmin Alibhai-Brown, columnist on The Independent and author of After Multiculturalism, argues that both fully-developed adult larynx. Labour and the Tories are failing to help the genuinely dispossessed at the risk of undermining cultural diversity. And then there’s the dreadful Ffion, possibly the most sexually-frustrated woman in Britain by the looks of her. I think it was a dream. Or maybe it was opposed to the Race Relations Act. they must soften the blow of a new race In response to Channel 4’s query my head conjuring up images to fit my Then we had Tebbitt’s cricket test, and relations act by creating ever more inhu- whether it was “love at first sight” despair at the way British politicians the calculated assaults on asylum-seekers mane immigration laws. As Sarah when she laid her eyes on the Tory Boy, (who like to be known abroad as fair, orchestrated by Michael Howard and Spencer of the Institute of Public Policy the ice maiden gave a worringly Prince tolerant and decent) are using asylum- Widdecombe herself. The smarmy Tory Research points out: “Once a govern- Headline Charles-esque answer. “Er…you can’t seekers as cheap bait to hook voters. Andrew Lansley has openly admitted ment decides to appease rather than to ask that”. Well, you can Ffion, you just I saw a flaming gold chariot carrying a that immigration was “successfully assuage public concern, new measures can’t give a truthful answer on prime mad-eyed Ann Widdecombe, her intim- raised” in the 1992 election and “has have to be proposed to show that some- Hoggers time television. She carries on, never- idating chest covered with armour with more potential to hurt”. And now thing is being done. Loopholes are iden- theless, with this sham of attraction for a crown blazoned on it, and a huge whip Hague - sounding ever more demented tified, rule changes proposed, appeal the egghead, giggling with maniacal in her hand. Then I woke up to the rights abolished.” Nigella Lawson frequency at jokes that aren’t funny. sound of James Naughtie on the Today “The Tory party has a So what can Labour do? They can She sips a pint unconvincingly for the programme talking about William unbuckle themselves from the chariot. Why? Nigella is fast becoming an camera. She looks worringly like his Hague and his brilliant new wheeze to damp and dingy soul They can explain that the reason we are icon for women everywhere who mother. She says “Hi!” to everyone in have internment camps for asylum-seek- getting so many more asylum-seekers is have no hope of being as talented as an irritating I-eat-quiche-and-drink- ers, including children. Manacles to the where real, overt that there are wars again in Europe and her. Her past-times include being a chardonnay kind of way. She seems walls near the bed too, surely. They huge inequalities too since the end of national columnist (The Observer), like someone who has never had any worked a treat with pregnant prisoners. racial prejudice dwells communism. an effortlessly stylish cook (Channel fun because she’s scared of embarrass- Widdecombe must have other ideas too, We cannot take all the refugees the 4), a make-up adviser (The Times ing herself, or smudging her mascara, seeing as she has discussed prison reform and festers...Labour world is unleashing because we are a Magazine) and an authoress (two or accidentally letting slip that she’s with Charles Murray, the American aca- densely populated country. But the books - How to Eat and How to be a having some illicit affair with John demic who believes in genetic inferiori- has vacillated between British public needs to be told that these Domestic Goddess). Prescott. ty. are genuinely dispossessed people and A domestic goddess? Surely slight- Unwittingly oblivious to it all, Billy Huge numbers of us are appalled at enlightened policies that an ageing British population will ly presumptuous? It would be for the Kid continues his cowboy quest, the way New Labour ministers have need immigrants again. The disillu- anyone else, but Nigella is indeed a shooting down the villainous asylum- allowed themselves to be driven by the and the politics of sioned can no longer be dismissed as the goddess. She even accomplishes seeking Mexicans in town halls all over Tories on this issue. The Tory party has “forces of conservatism” or old disgrun- being beautiful despite being ex- the country. Swinging open the saloon a damp and dingy soul where real, overt cowardice.” tled reds who refuse to die quietly. I chancellor Nigel Lawson’s daughter. doors to the House of Commons, he racial prejudice dwells and festers. They never joined Old Labour, because of the Ah. Family Connections. Dominic silences the drunken carousers with a have given the nation Enoch Powell, and desperate promises to placate mid- way it marginalised black and Asian Lawson (editor of The Sunday single click of his spurs. The Tone Norman Tebbit, Winston Churchill dle England voters by stamping on the people. Things were no better under Telegraph) and Mark Lawson (Radio Ranger eyes him up with steely blue- junior, Margaret Thatcher, Terry Dicks, heads of asylum-seekers even harder Kinnock and Hattersley. But, like many 4 stalwart) are her brothers. So yes, grey eyes. This one-horse town isn’t big Charles Wardle, Michael Howard, and than Jack Straw and Barbara Roche. others, I was inspired by Brown, Blair it’s a well-connected little dynasty. enough for the both of them. But one now Ann Widdecombe - all have used So how has Labour responded to this and Co, and felt that Britain would at Oh and John Diamond, the colum- of the cowboys has no hair and a nasal their positions to poison the minds of long Tory onslaught on diversity? Since last become a just, open nation, at ease nist, is her husband. whinge and the other one a harassed British people. 1964, Labour has vacillated between with diversity and committed to inter- Sickening isn’t it? Yes. But maybe look and a chronic sweat problem. It’s Enoch foamed in 1968 with his Rivers enlightened policies and the politics of national responsibilities. We have spending all her time in sweaty time for the Women’s Institute to of Blood speech. In the Seventies, cowardice. Even with their massive emerged from the miserable nightmare kitchens has given her a body odour introduce some real outlaws. Thatcher made her remark about white majority, New Labour has not the of Toryism, only to find that our dreams problem. We can but hope. Elizabeth Day Britons feeling “swamped” by aliens and courage or wit to transform the debate are now dismissed as insane distractions. was one of 44 Tories who were actively on race. They cling to the belief that That surely cannot be right. 8 News Features Varsity 6 October 2000 Boxed out of your mind

provides rapid access to a directory of websites applying for our approval.” Elizabeth Day 17,000 high quality academic All this is rather good news for those resources categorised and cross-refer- of us who have spent many frustrating There was a time, not so long ago, enced by specialists across 27 core hours emerging from cyber-land when a vague concept called ‘The subject areas. Boxmind’s initial data- sweaty and empty-handed. Richard Internet’ was an undiscovered land of base was comprised of over 120,000 Halkett confirms that the site is aimed immense potential. Stuck back in the web addresses; only the most useful at undergraduates “although we’ve computer illiterate early ‘90s, we were were included in the final product. also had good feedback from teachers guaranteed the prospect of supreme and A-Level students. It’s not yet cyberspatial laziness. We would never “Searching for the advanced enough for research stu- leave our armchairs again. dents, who generally know where Supermarkets were virtual aisles filled needle just ended up research sources are in any case.” with your personal shopping basket of According to the press release though, cut-price goodies. Information with a whole lot of Boxmind “is set to become the best resources fell neatly at your feet, academic resource site in the world” promising an untold wealth of knowl- hay.And then came and is not content to sit on its laurels. edge. And, if the new Tampax adver- “We appreciate constructive criti- tisement is to be believed, you could Boxmind.com” cism,” says Halkett, “because we aim even choose non-applicator at the to create a learning community.” press of a virtual button. Any such community, however, does Then our modems got mixed up, our According to the founders, Richard not make the human contact redun- search engines scrambled and our Halkett, Dave Auckland and Richard dant. Rather, Halkett says, “Boxmind clunky BBC computers crashed just to Comish, Boxmind therefore avoids must be used in conjunction with prove they could. The Internet was the problem of searching hundreds of other tutorial facilities.” not what it seemed. Non-applicator irrelevant sites. Despite the growing success of supermarket fields of knowledge were As well as the core members, Boxmind, expected to raise millions of all very well, but no-one could find Boxmind boasts an editorial team of pounds in the next two years and what they were looking for. Searching excellent pedigree. Richard Dawkins, backed by the venture capitalist firm for the needle just ended up with a the neo-Darwinian and author of The Eurovestech, Halkett is a reluctant whole lot of hay. And then came Selfish Gene, Professor Peter Atkins, dot-commer. “I saw Attachments Boxmind.com. Fellow and Tutor in Physical [touted as This Life with Internet Devised by three recent graduates of Chemistry at Lincoln College, entrepreneurs] and thought it was a Merton College, Oxford, Boxmind Oxford, and Professor Niall Ferguson, load of crap, especially the nerdy enables students to search for reliable author of The Pity of War, are just techie sitting in the corner. We don’t academic material on the net at light- three of the distinguished academics have nerds in our company at all.” ning speed. Users can search for topics on board to ensure rigorous review of All nerdishness aside, the captivating at several different levels of detail, all information published on the site. vision of Halkett’s “progressive acade- with the results then being broadened In the words of Professor Ferguson, mia” is something students every- or narrowed by entering the type of “your chances of getting through the where can be thankful for. The information needed (for example, Oxford admissions system will be haystack’s days are well and truly online textbooks or images). The site higher than our acceptance rate of numbered. Boxmind founders: Richard Halkett, David Auckland and Richard Comish THE Freshers’ Ball Thursday 12 October 2000 Cambridge Corn Exchange Tickets £20.00 Tickets available from: The Corn Exchange Box Office – Tel: 357851 Cambridge Union Society – Tel: 566421

In association with BLACK TIE .co.uk reachoxbridge The Cambridge Union Society No grown man should be heard uttering the word ‘Mummykins’.

With Orange on campus you can nominate someone else to top up your credit for you. Which means it’s even more likely that you’ll need some privacy when sweet-talking your parents. To find out more visit your local Orange shop or call 0800 079 8000. 10 Satire Varsity 6 October 2000 Spanking the Cam The diary of a cer- Cambridge strings tain Gustav “Quote Moushtaff;an together the pieces average English Me…” really fantastic; just great.” Yorkshire-born member of the team. Yuriy Humber Smiles were not showing all around The competition also showed an student surviving the Games, however, as a team of stu- innovative and daring side to a In celebration of its 41,500 years of dents was caught cheating, and dis- Cambridge student. Ali-Baba in the murky academic and sporting excellence, qualified, after they attempted to solve Scrubbles Baba II explains: “Well, due Cambridge held its first ever Jigsaw the baked beans puzzle by emptying an to the popularity of the competition, Games. Selected students competed actual tin of beans onto several sheets all the shops had sold out of jigsaws. It university town with real-life puzzles in a bid to raise of cardboard. The plot was discovered was murder trying to get even a 10- awareness of the intelligence of many when a dog jumped up and started piece, and the black market prices were students around the University. Jim consuming the puzzle with a malicious driving your ordinary consumer round of Cowpool. Sdim, of the ‘CU Let’s Talk’, said “We growl, before muddying the team’s a literal corner. We were saved when would just like people out there to waters even further by pissing all over Olly spotted the Kellogg’s rooster.” I was riding on the crest of a wave of know the real facts and figures of the the beans. “The fucking dog; we fuck- The team are, however, in a spot of expectation and elation when I first situation, because far too often when ing had it! The bastard!” said a trouble at the moment, unable to entered the learned and cultured town of people are involved it is the locate any red corn Cowpool. All the population of my home lack of actual know-how flakes. Time is certainly village of Titzenbitzen, except Bleeder, the From Kevin Keegan’s auto- and information that leads not on their side. crippled dog, turned out in force to see me to accidents and back-alley “Whereas your normal off. As I sit with burnt toast in a heap of biography: hand-jobs.” jigsaw is in perfect order unwashed clothes and random crisps I still There were signs of early all year round, it seems remember those five eager hands waving “They are the second success at the Games when we have picked out one so delicately. a group of students claimed which has a best before Anxious as I was, I skipped merrily, suit- best team in the world, to have completed a jigsaw date”, explained Ali- case in hand, into my college. Madaxe in just TWO WEEKS. A Booba Scoopa IV. (pronounced Mead-arks) was a beautiful and there’s no higher spokesman for the group, It leaves me only to set of ruins, long ago deserted by rats, but Ivor Dild, spoke in jubila- wish these competitors not by cockroaches, making it a wondrous praise than that.” tion: “We knew we could the best of luck. It cer- place for students. Admittedly one of the do it, but I never expected tainly feels as if the poorer colleges (it owned Cumbria, it to happen so soon. We British Olympic spirit Sidcup, and most of Turkey), Madaxe was emptied the pieces on the started in Sydney has proud of its origins. Upon seeing a golden News In Brief table, looked at the box: it touched even the coast- shower pour from the sky, its founder Friar said 3–6 years. We knew line-less shores of our Sanctass, marked the spot, and deemed it we could do it in under a dear old town of a sign. To honour him, his portrait was TCS suffers under year, but two weeks, that’s Cambridge. hung in the very place of culinary excel- lence, the Hall, with his emblem – a pret- writer shortage ty seagull hovering in mid-shite. At our matriculation dinner we met all Desperate times call for desperate the people in the college: the Master (a measures, and desperation became a man whose age in years is proportional to key watch-word at The Cambridge DEAR SALLY I’m so his volume of spit, which rapidly accumu- Student this week. Deprived hacks, lates on the face of anyone within an suffering from a severe shortage of impressive 2.5 metre range), the Dean writing, were forced to borrow the cause of my woes. (dubbed “shitcock”, neither for being gay, words from rival publication Unfortunately, as I was raising nor for unfortunate experiences with Varsity. A whole article’s worth, all my mallet in preparation for the sorry ladies, but just for fun), the Bursar, Mr about Men’s Tennis (‘Cambridge job, she abruptly woke up. She Lick’em himself, and the Catholic hold on for Varsity success’, Varsity screamed, so I presumed that she Chaplain Dr C Interruptus. Once you got 29 Sept 2000). Minor tweaks to the was a little startled. And now I Our favourite to know Coitus, he was a very pleasant content couldn’t fool eagle-eyed feel terribly guilty. Am I a shit?! man, but at first he struck me as frigid, yet word-police. “They’re clearly the Please help. ‘Corrections and desperate. The dinner generally went quite same words,” said an eagle-eyed Clarifications’ from well. I tried to impress a grad lady next to word-policeman last night. “I’d Rod Fruit, Pembroke me with some witty anecdote about anal recognise them anywhere, except the nation’s press. entry; she sniggered a little before intro- perhaps a really dark place.” A Relax, Rod. Dialogue is the key to ducing herself as my Director of Studies. spokesman for innocent theft vic- any relationship. Sometimes, “An article by Leanda de Lisle, page Oh how I laughed. Later. tim newspaper, Varsity, said, “We instead of going at it hammer and 24, May 25, referred to “a hermaphro- On the whole, my first few weeks were are very flattered that TCS have tongs, it is better to approach your dite called Lady Colin Campbell, but spent learning the art of drinking, penny- recognised our verbal superiority.” lass with sound reasons. Tell her I understand her manly bit was very ing, formal whoring, and sicking. Oh A spokesman for syllable-stealers that if she doesn’t remove her toe- small”. We accept that the description what delights they were, waking up in the TCS couldn’t think of anything to hair she won’t fully feel the benefit of Lady Colin Campbell as a her- morning (well middayish, I do English), say adding, “We are very flattered of socks on cold days. maphrodite is both untrue and insult- finding your hair in unfamiliar spikes, the that TCS have recognised our verbal ing and that, as she has never had a room in a mess of bottles, and your nether superiority.” Oh hello there poppets! There’s manly bit of any size, the use of such a parts covered in sticky-toffee pudding so much tension around, isn’t Dear Sally, term was both tasteless and mislead- with a cute little feather added for decor. Emma Woolerton there? Has some dirty scamp I’m at my wit’s end. Last week- ing. We apologise to Lady Colin Such effort from those well-mannered wobbled your wick, or some lit- end I abruptly woke up in the Campbell for the pain, distress and rugby boys. The bastards. tle minx bobbled with your middle of the night to find my embarrassment this caused. “ brain? Well me duckies, if you gentleman friend towering over have a problem and no one else me with a dangerous-looking Taken from the Guardian can help, e-mail me rod-like object (it could’ve been a [email protected] and I’ll mallet for all I know). I am con- put you straight. cerned that I’ve done something to upset him. Or perhaps he’s just insane? Either way Sally, I’m Dear Sally, screwed, aren’t I? So you think I’m at my wits’ end. My lady friend is a rather nice sort with Francesca la Horse, Trinity you’re funny? large breasts. Only problem is she has hairy toes and snores like Oh Francesca, think about this a hippopotamus. Last weekend rationally. It’s quite likely that your Varsity Satire meet- this all got on top of me, so while boyfriend is a latent zoophiliac and she was asleep I thought I’d take he was simply using his mallet as a ing Monday at 1pm matters into my own hands: trim symbol of the strength and raw her feet and probe her nasal cavi- power of your relationship. Or in the Varsity offices ties for large obstructions, ever maybe you have hairy toes? Mmm. The thin blue line Daniel Lambert takes a walk on the wild side

Walking into a video store as a youngster deals with issues of culture, or Natacha tinue to be a rarity in a dirge of dire MTV I was confronted by a shelf of videos. Merritt’s Digital Diaries, which employs videos; artists such as Ofili will contin- Judging by the covers, the height of the digital photographic techniques to deliv- ue to be criticised by our ‘pillars of artistic ambition of these films (Maxi Anal er its images. Because the latter is pub- society’; Plug Me In will be con- Crad is one of the names that springs to lished by a respected art books publisher, fined to licensed sex shops, mind) appeared to be how many different does this make it any more of a profound thanks to Jack Straw’s new and varied objects could be fitted into the statement about the intrusion of digital Restricted 18 certificate. Indeed, back of a woman. This early insight into culture into our lives than photographs 18-year-olds will also be denied the juxtaposition of art and pornography posted digitally on the Internet? If not, entry to one of the year’s truly is a reason, I am sure, why the thing that then when authorities speak of censoring interesting works of art – Flex – as most impressed me about the Royal certain areas of the Internet they must they will continue to be at future Academy’s Apocalypse exhibition was not surely be obliged to restrict Taschen’s cor- exhibitions. And art will stay in The Chapman’s Hell, or Cattelan’s La Nona responding range of adult material. the confines of the gallery, while Ora. No, the most lasting impression of However, the question remains as to explicit sexual imagery will remain the exhibition was the huge queues of people meandering through the gallery. Artists such as Ofili will continue to be These people were queueing to see Chris Cunningham’s work Flex. I wondered criticised by our ‘pillars of society’ whether most were there because they wanted to see a challenging and ethereal whether pornography is actually seen as on the whole underground; part of an work of video art, accompanied by a suit- acceptable in society. Although exhibi- industry entwined with the degradation ably cerebral Aphex Twin soundtrack. Or if tions such as Apocalypse and Sensation of women, drugs and prostitution. they were just waiting to see whether the attract large numbers of visitors, many are However, perhaps we like sex in the film really was as explicit and drawn merely by the curiosity value of the it this way. After shocking as the newspapers had said. exhibits. Besides, successful attempts to all, if sexual mate- The Royal Academy has expressed bring the theme of pornography in art rial is no longer public annoyance not only with the fact into the mainstream are few and far seen as something that Flex has been given a minimum age between. This may well be because many of a taboo, it may for entry – a legal restriction similar to artists work by exploring the fringes of ultimately lose those given to Soho sex cinemas – but society’s sexual behaviour, and one would some of its unique also with the amount of cynical press cov- expect artists such as the Chapman broth- appeal. erage that Apocalypse has received ers to actively continue work- because of this. This perhaps belies a pri- ing outside the mainstream. vate joy at the amount of extra attention The success of the the exhibition has received, and the Internet must surely be due organisers must be counting the ticket partly to the fact that people stubs with delight. can now explore their fan- This seems to be becoming some- tasies with material which thing of a recurring theme in the arts was previously difficult to world. We’ve seen doormen on restricted obtain. Now that people are arts exhibits before. The Sensation exhibi- aware of these fantasies, the tion lived up to its name, with press cov- opportunity is there to erage guaranteed for months thanks to explore them to greater the Young British Artists’ preoccupation depth and quality by using with themes such as sex, depravity and art as a medium. Chris death. More recently, Turner Prize winner Cunningham’s Flex Chris Ofili has had his work condemned by explores issues of sex- Images of nudity and intercourse sit alongside intellectual musings

New York mayor Rudolph Guiliani. Guiliani uality by placing its two protag- delivered a stinging public critique of onists into an ambient comput- works – such as Ofili’s The Holy Virgin erscape and cocooning them in Mary, in which a black Mary is surrounded challenging imagery and sound. by images of female genitalia cut out of This theme was explored in the pornography magazines – which made video for Bjork’s All Is Full Of their way to New York as part of the Love, also filmed by Sensation tour. Thomas Hoving, of the Cunningham. The depiction of Brooklyn Museum which staged the exhi- two female robots – in the like- bition, said that Guiliani’s comments ness of Bjork – making love to actually had a positive effect: “It’s each other, is both artistically brought people into the gallery who compelling and sexually explic- might never have gone in the first place.” it; the use of technology and If the extra numbers are to be believed true artistic vision translating then it would seem that the use of an essentially pornographic pornography in art is consumed happily concept into an intriguing pro- film | English Films by the general public. And a new genera- duction. tion of artists appear to be happy to con- In a curious spin on the music video front our fascination with pornography. approach, avant garde band Add N To X By merely looking at their work we are currently producing a full length become an exhibit ourselves, as the artist pornography film, Plug Me In. Using tiny scrutinises the reasons why we want to cameras they have directed an hour long look at pornography. Jake and Dinos feature which involves a female couple Chapman, for example, explore a complex exploring each others bodies. and bizarre world of sexual identity and The intention in this case is to commercialism with their multi-body-part avoid either art or pornography figures. cliches. Add N To X frontman Barry Sex is big business – Playboy maga- 7 explains that “hardcore pornogra- zine , for example, has a circulation of 4.5 phy is incredibly boring and artporn theatre | Hamlet million worldwide. But a greater variety of is loaded with obvious metaphors. sex-based publications has led to further What we wanted was a pure sex blurring between pornography and art. film.” Barry 7 was also concerned The art books publisher Taschen have with seeing models being coaxed launched a range of artistic books classi- into things they didn’t want to do, fied as ‘adults only’. Images of nudity and and explains that “the women we full blown intercourse sit alongside intel- used loved sex and were completely lectual musings, all contained within open about it. They knew exactly how far glossy hardback covers, and printed on they were prepared to go and your preoc- shiny, expensive paper – a far cry from the cupations fly out of the window.” damp, torn pages of the magazines that However much art and pornography seem to lie around park dustbins, or the blend, though, the results are all too gaudy glamour of top shelf literature. For rarely appreciated widely. Videos such as Photos: Courtesy of The Adult Channel, Taschen. visual arts | Greek Graffiti example Uwe Ommer’s Asian Ladies which Cunningham’s All Is Full Of Love will con- Chris Cunningham’s Flex 2000 courtesy of The Anthony D’Offay Gallery. 061000 | varsityarts Toxic crusaders

Toxic 8 | Daily

Get intoxicated Having spent only one night there it’s for each of its nights. The weekends perhaps too early to say whether it will be expensive, Friday nights offer n experiment was conducted delivers. Certainly it looks the part: ‘dance and trance’, and Saturdays will recently. Its aim: to re-crys- big bouncers on the door, a fresh paint have a more nostalgic feel with party tallize the explosive potency job and promises of six differently music from the ‘70s, ‘80s and ‘90s. of the Cambridge ‘underground’ flavoured nights. Inside, the décor is Tuesday nights promise garage and in a radio-active-proof shed out in reminiscent of the spaceship ride at r’n’b mixed by ministry resident Nick the safety of the hinterlands. Lights Chessington World of Adventures – the Bridges, which certainly could be were faded, lava lamps were stoked lift is a nice touch, and there are sil- worth checking out if that’s your up, bottles of White Lightning were ver robots overseeing the dance floor thing. The big night, however, promis- purchased, Abba was played; people action. Toxic 8 also boasts four levels, es to be Wednesday night: ‘English got drunk, pretended to get in a with two bars to escape from the Student Night’. We’re not certain exact- fight, vomited, and then passed out. music, and the main dance floor has ly whether or not this means no ‘non- All before Eastenders was over. Yet plenty of room for all. The first floor English’, or whether or not there will another classic night out in offers an excellent view of the ‘boogie be an accent test on the door, but we Cambridge. We were ready to go club- wonderland’, and all the wannabe have passed on the details to CUSU bing. podium people strutting their stuff. and the Equal Opportunities in Night- With this benchmark standard for There is a subtle security presence Clubbing Commission. If you are lucky alcohol-fuelled student nocturnal throughout the club; and any tempta- enough to be English, the vital statis- excess in mind, we shimmied on tions to pour drinks from the gallery tics are the £1 entry fee before down to the latest addition to onto the defenceless and unsuspecting 10.30pm and the cheap drinks spe- Cambridge’s club-scene: Toxic 8. This innocent dancers below were quickly cials. Oh, and the place doesn’t smell out if you enjoy the Cindy’s and guest DJs: but I suspect that you’ll club is attempting to breathe fresh quashed by a bouncer resembling like vomit: which means certain other Chicago experience: it offers more of probably still have to jump on the life into Cambridge’s shockingly Rhino from Gladiators. local venues might struggle for busi- the same, but a lot better. For the Kings Cross express to satisfy your sparse nightlife, promising “a whole You get the feeling that Toxic 8 is ness. dance music aficionados amongst you, cravings truly. new world of club entertainment”. going to have a different atmosphere Toxic 8 is certainly worth checking there are veiled promises of a few top Andy Branchflower Satisfying snap She will survive

Red Snapper: Our Aim is To Satisfy Red Snapper | Warp Records | Released 9 Oct Kylie: Light Years | EMI | On release Not quite jiggy enough Everybody or Borderline). In total contrast, Kylie grooves back in next door This and ‘Butterfly’ (produced by Mark Light Years was released, her record com- ‘The Rough And The Quick’ is an uptempo Picchiotti) are promising dance tunes pany made much of her “huge gay fol- ed Snapper are back! I’m sure you disco-house throw down, which includes es, the diminutive diva has with Ibiza-style potential. ‘Koocachoo’ – lowing”, and then launched her back missed them. Our Aim is To nonsensical ‘let’s party’ lyrics and funky returned. Since she first caught like its ridiculous name – is quintessen- into the limelight with an outrageous Satisfy Red Snapper is an bass; this is what Basement Jaxx would the imagination of the British tially naff. The title track imitates set at London’s GAY. Kylie was promptly extremely well produced, atmos- sound like if they were any good. Later, on public as Neighbours’ heartthrob Madonna’s style; but we get the plastered all over the tabloids for days. pheric mix of double bass, electro beats, ‘Belladona’ the band come over all ambient Charlene, Kylie has courted publicity as Madonna of three years ago. There are a This was followed up with the requisite rhymes, piano, twisted guitars and some and post-rock. an A-list celeb, representing the aspira- couple of fillers, but far fewer than are saucy videos,and it was as if she’d never delightfully silly noises. There’s intelli- It’s a thoughtful and considered tions of two-bit soap actresses every- normally found on a pop album like this. gone through her ‘indie’ phase. Instead, gence and irony here – check out the album, even in its funkiest moments. where. She has always enjoyed much Light Years marks a remarkable Kylie uses her ‘pop’ and ‘sexpot’ aspects deliberate references on several tracks to Perhaps it’s a little too intellectual, as at respect in the looks department and her comeback from virtual musical extinc- to great effect throughout the album. ’80s synth pop. no point does this album really rock. On new image does nothing to disprove tion by the 32-year-old singer. After the There is a palpable sense of fun; far from ‘Shellback’ thuds and shudders, slow- careful listening, Our Aim is inventive and this. Very much the gay icon, Kylie’s success of the Stock Aitken Waterman being the butt of the joke, Kylie is very ly. An American female voice (Madonna, original, it incorporates an impressive revamp is accompanied by a new period, her bids for credibility, which much in on it. maybe?) asks – of a DJ, her backing band, variety of moods and genres, but sounds album, and one which secures the involved collaborations with Nick Drake It’s undeniable that profound lyrics or perhaps Red Snapper themselves – “are neither forced nor eclectic for the sake of immediate future of her musical career and James Dean Bradfield, fell on deaf are not abundant and there is little you gonna give me, like, eight [presum- it. However, one must ask how this music with 13 polished tracks of formulaic fri- ears as far as her fans were concerned. innovation. However, Kylie has balanced ably musical] bars?” It’s all very post- is supposed to be listened to. Live, I’m volity. In that sense, it is only fitting that she the pop equation and produced a funky modern – a sample that refers to the cre- sure these songs would be absorbing. But Light Years packs a disco punch like should return to the top of the charts album full of disco titillation. Light Years ation of music, and the act of sampling for essay writing, dope smoking or toenail no other. Retro nightclub beats fuse with the assistance of Millennium Man, is a refreshing alternative to the pubes- itself. Where does the song end/begin? cutting, it’s just perfect as arty back- with funk, latino interludes and more Williams. What is immediately striking cent brat-pack, and proves this girl still An eerie, repetitive synthesiser loop com- ground music. Where’s the passion, guys? modern house rhythms to produce an about this album is that it is so deliber- has the finest Euro-pop voice in the plements Ms Ciccone’s request by aping Nice title, though. album of sophisticated Euro-pop. ately kitsch and camp – even down to business…tres bien. the riffs of her early songs (think Nicky Reeves Kylie’s vocals glide sweetly over the top the gloriously tacky inlay card. Before Aisling O’Neil of tracks like ‘Disco Down’ and ‘Loveboat’. However, those without a sweet tooth will wince at ‘Bittersweet Goodbye’: her one attempt at a musical- style ballad cruelly exposing her vocal insipidity. Yet we forgive and forget as hot disco tracks come thick and fast: ‘Your Disco Needs You’ – a collaboration with Robbie Williams – is guaranteed to be tearing up the dance floors of regional nightclubs everywhere. It is one of several gay anthems-in-waiting, but they manage to avoid blatantly courting the ‘pink pound’ – Geri Halliwell take note. Bag It Up indeed. Spinning Around, the recent number one, is the best track on an album which suffers a little from disco satura- tion. This makes Kids, a quasi-rock duet with Robbie Williams, sound ridiculous- ly out of place. Lyrics like “So we’ll paint by numbers”, and “Doin’ it for the kids”, are either very knowing or as unfortunately self-damning as Steps’ Better Best Forgotten. However, it’s the next single and is a guaranteed com- mercial smash purely because it fea- tures Kylie and Robbie. On A Night Like varsityarts | 061000

Feeling frigid Grandaddy reveal age Coldplay | The Junction | Released 2 Oct

Coldplay chill out at The Junction songs that make you happy’ and it’s car- Grandaddy’s Jason tells Roman Townsend all about his youth ried off with such an utter lack of preten- ith a number one album and a pair sion and self-consciousness that you can’t of hit singles behind them, help but love their lack of ego. While other expectations couldn’t be higher bands may go for the kitchen sink for Coldplay’s first headline tour. approach to making music, Coldplay strip Statistics aside, they’ve got a lot to live the structure down to Chris’ voice and up to after a long period of hype in the acoustic strumming wrapped with effects- music press. They also have their critics laden guitar. It’s easy to criticise the band to answer to; their debut album, for playing a set that is essentially one- Parachutes, has been criticised for its paced, but they have a magic that is miss- steady, formulaic nature. ing from so many otherwise excellent Tonight, they bound onto the stage artists. However, their singer may be of their first headline gig with infectious touching upon cliché with his inter-song glee and set the standard for the rest of banter. Shiver is introduced thus: “This is a the evening with a sublime version of hit single, we’re the band, you’re the audi- Spies. Simplicity is the name of the game, ence, we play it brilliantly and you go with the emphasis placed firmly upon mental”. Despite this, his spontaneity Chris Martin and his voice. The aching makes it impossible to hate. clarity of his voice absorbs the audience, Before you realise it, Coldplay have who then find themselves lost in a soar- performed most of Parachutes and a hand- ing chorus as understated guitar lines are ful of b-sides. A couple of new songs see swelling thanks to the massively success- As a child, at which moment and to rock & roll moment, what would it melted over the top. them take the soaring guitars of their ful single Yellow. Next time they’ll be at which song was the full and exciting have been? There’s nothing new here, but more stratospheric numbers towards a log- the Corn Exchange, after that, who potential of music revealed? Sitting in the back seat when Jimi Coldplay impress by being so pure about ical conclusion. They’re already inspiring knows... My Mom would vacuum the living room Hendrix and Neil Young stole a car what they do. The basic formula is ‘sad devotion in their fans, whose ranks are Tom Catchesides on Saturday morning during cartoons together. and I couldn’t hear the TV while she did It’s the mid ‘70s. Are you into disco it, so instead I would hum along to the or Meatloaf? sound of the vacuum, creating counter I’m riding a banana board with tight melodies and harmonies. Then, abrupt- shorts and wavy long hair waiting for ly she would stop and my brain would the new Devo album to come out and Placebo effect be immediately re-entranced and held despairing of both disco and Beefloaf. captive by some stupid talking veg- It was said home tape-to-tape etable with leotards on or something. recording would be the end of the In your formative years, which music music industry. It wasn’t. Will the Placebo: Black Market Music | Hut Recordings | Released 9 Oct artists had the largest influence Internet fulfil this prophecy? Placebo do what they do best, There are, however, some beautiful some classic guitar rock, Black Market upon you? I couldn’t care less. Though I do like again ballads when the band let Molko’s voice Music might just be what they are look- The Beatles, the Cars, Jeff Lynne, punk the idea of the fat cats in a sweaty shine through, such as in ‘Passive ing for. rock. panic. lacebo’s third album, after a Aggressive’ and ‘Peeping Tom’. Although Rachel Cohen When you are indoors alone, which LP What one piece of advice would you gap of two years, sounds much Molko is frequently referred can be heard most on your turntable? give to those wishing to get ahead in the same as Without You I’m to as ‘the one with the Rachmaninoff in the morning. Fu the music industry? Nothing and the eponymous whiney voice’, here it has a Manchu during the day. George Jones at Stick your finger in your mouth, pull it Placebo. For Placebo fans this is no haunting quality as he sings night. out and put it in the air, feel which way doubt good news, but the rest of us about mortality and the rat What is the most recent record you the wind is blowing and go the oppo- might as well have bought three copies race. Most of the tracks are bought? site direction. of their debut album to save on further very long, except ‘Commercial Steve Earle Transcendental Blues What do you think about 2-step trips to the local record shop. For Levi’, which thankfully Currently, which underrated and garage? Is it, two steps to the CD Black Market Music contains some means that we don’t have to unnoticed artists do you think people player and throw it out of the win- pleasing guitar rock; Taste In Men, sit through the full five min- should be listening to? dow? Or, are we really living through which was released as a single in July, utes of him singing “You’ll Komeda from Sweden. The Handsome a dance music revolution? is almost as good as 36 Degrees at mak- die, you’ll die, don’t die”. That family from Chicago, Lowgold from Is this some sort of do-it-your-self car ing you want to be a rock star. But the said, I did find myself listen- England and the album Glum by Giant port construction kit? ‘2-step garage’? addition of American rapper Justin ing to it again and again, and Sand. I’m still trying to decide if I like that Warfield shows just why Placebo stick to liking it more each time. If you could have been present at any music they call rock’n’roll. the same formula: because it gets much For fans of the band, this worse when they change it – with the album is clearly long-awaited band continuing to do their thing in the good news; for the uncon- background while he shouts “fuck”. verted out there in need of

Radiohead revisited

Radiohead: Kid A | Parlophone | Released 9 Oct

Radiohead fulfil all expecta- anti-climax. Amidst such hype, these Yorke’s unrestrained falsetto crying is Instead the essence of this recording theatrical, air as they weave lonely tions five boys from Oxford (one of whom used much more sparingly, to increase is overtly avant-garde and wilfully penetrating soundscapes and dark went to Peterhouse) have finally the impact of the minimal lyricism. experimental; the band make frequent, languorous lyricism. This element ince wiping the floor with released their fourth studio album, Kid and successful, use of tuneless Captain was always embedded in their work, 1997’s OK Computer, A. But can they really recapture those Beefheart-influenced art-noise sam- but on this album it’s more pro- Radiohead have had a very heady days of The Bends and OK ples and Sunra-prompted overlapping nounced than ever. conspicuous three year absence Computer? Are we expecting too much instrumental sound clashes. But they We are seamlessly carried of fresh material. As rock icons of the from Kid A? simultaneously blend their art-school through a 48 minute journey of elu- late 1990s and spokesmen for the Firstly, it must be made clear that acid-rock influences with a progressive sive and intriguing apocalyptic lyrics alternative generation, the pressure to Radiohead have all but erased their and electronic probing of techno-noir and bewitching futuristic instrumen- upstage and go beyond their last old sound and completely reinvented distortions and Kraftwerk-inspired tation. This rich and innovative album has mounted; and the more themselves. They have adopted a musi- industrial programming. These fusions album pioneers new avenues of time that has elapsed, the more music cal style that matches their new come to fruition on the stomping track brooding production for Radiohead pundits’ and fans’ expectations have image: low-key, underground and dis- ‘Ideoteque’. However, despite this new and delivers an LP which proudly been heightened. Radiohead are clear- tinctly non-commercial, but at the direction for the band, Kid A definite- ranks alongside the virtuoso OK ly anxious about this comeback release same time, self-indulgent and preten- ly has the unmistakable Radiohead Computer – and possibly surpasses and have attempted to play down its tious. Long gone are the Pink Floyd stamp. Their music retains its distinc- it. importance in interviews, fearing an glittery psychedelic guitars, and Thom tive strung-out and poignant, almost Roman Townsend 061000 | varsityarts

film trailers

Mars Attacks | Christ’s | Thu 12 | No holds bard 10pm This spoof on sci-fi blockbusters thinks it’s much cleverer than it real- ly is, though the self-deprecating Titus | Arts Picturehouse | Daily cameos of Jack Nicholson and other stars are pretty amusing. As fun as Ancient Rome, but with motor- Taymor could have opted for a mind- and wield shotguns. However, the film still movie’s exploration of madness and human Independence Day, but without the bikes less bloodfest to pull in the punters; manages to retain something of a Roman mental and physical suffering bring this feel-good factor. instead she employs a more surreal and atmosphere, largely due to the graphic usually derided play onto a par with SF ecapitation, rape, human sacri- subtle approach and largely succeeds. depiction of orgies of sex and violence. Hamlet. fice, cannibalism? No, it’s not Evil Ancient Rome is transposed to the 1930s, Every contemporary issue you can All the actors are fantastic: from Man On The Moon | Christ’s | Dead 4 – it’s Titus, the latest complete with jazz music, fascist-inspired think of is addressed, including racism, Anthony Hopkins as the sage-like and Sun 8 | 8pm, 10pm screen adaptation of a Shakespeare costumes and beautiful Art Deco buildings with Harry Lenix delivering the best per- deeply demented Titus, to a glorious Alan Find out who Andy Kaufman was and play. And about time too: productions of and interiors. The Goths, on the other formance of the year as Aaron, an evil yet Cummings as the vindictive emperor whether Jim Carrey can act. Titus Andronicus, a long-time favourite of hand, sport biker gear, hang out in bars somehow sympathetic black villain. The Saturnine. Young up-and-comers Matthew SF English Lit students are few and far Rhys and Jonathan Rhys-Meyers also score between but now director Julie Taymor highly as Tamara’s wonderfully sick and Chicken Run | John’s | Sun 8 | has brought it to the masses. Be warned twisted sons. Taymor’s direction may not 7.30pm, 10pm though: the bard was one sick sono- be to everyone’s taste sometimes her the- This film grossed millions on its fabitch and this is by far his most blood- atrical use of symbolism is harder to stom- release, and it’s easy to see why. This thirsty play. ach than the carnage but the results are is nothing like the Wallace and Gromit Titus is an old, war-scarred general mostly awesome and inspired. The film films but is every bit as entertaining. who returns to Rome victorious after bat- moves seamlessly from the hallucinatory, This is an animated non-stop action tling the Goths, bringing with him their with the horrific rape and mutilation of flick with a heart. Not just a ‘chick- queen, Tamara, and her sons as prisoners. Titus’ daughter, to the sickeningly real, as flick’, it’s ‘poultry – in – motion’ However, things go sour when he turns when a hand is casually chopped off. (sorry). down the opportunity to become Emperor There are moments where you’ll forget SF and allows the deranged and power-hun- to breathe, others where you will laugh out gry Saturnine to step into the breach. loud, with highlights including a tongue- The Thin Red Line | Peterhouse Spurned by Titus’ daughter, Saturnine in-cheek reference to The Silence of The Theatre | Wed 11 | 8pm decides to marry Tamara and both vow to Lambs. And that’s the point: many con- What was Terence Malick thinking? avenge the wrongs that Titus and family temporary movies have attempted to push Critics praised this as being in some have done them. Soon, most of the back the boundaries of morality, violence, way deeper and more meaningful Andronicus clan are quite literally in or simply bad taste. But as this proves, it’s than the ass-kicking Saving Private pieces and Titus, out of favour and luck, all been done before. 400 years ago. Forget Ryan, so that should warn you off. begins to lose his marbles. You’d expect everything they taught you at school: this Stunning scenery aside, this is dull, plenty of lamentation about fate, life etc, is Shakespeare, and Rome, as you’ve never patronising, and overly long. I’m but Shakespeare knew what his audience seen them before. going to spoil the ending for you: wanted, delivering dark humour and lash- Sanah Faridi nothing happens. ings of insane violence. Christopher Turtle SF

The Beach | Robinson | Sun 8 | ter-based and reliant on emotion and story. Real melancholy film-making can Norwegian Lars Von Trier’s revolutionary 7pm, 10pm | free beauty rather than violence and gritti- be stunning – look at La Haine, Il epic Dancer in the Dark (also slated by Everyone panned this movie because ness. Essentially, when you compare Postino and of course It’s a Wonderful Varsity, but hey), American Harmony it wasn’t like the book; ie it doesn’t British films to the rest of the world’s Life – but you won’t get it by adapting Korine’s mind-melt Julien Donkey-boy portray backpacking in Thailand as a Land of output, they’re dull and it’s ridiculous to the works of a half-arsed writer like and Frenchman Bruno Dumont’s life-changing experience. Students go support them just because they exist. Irvine Welsh. L’Humanité. They all challenge their to an island paradise where the drugs I’ve been convinced of this over the British comedies, at the other audience and provoke a response. are free, but it all turns sour. Take it hype summer, partly due to the release of Guy extreme, are rarely funny, and usually British films don’t need Dogme 95’s with a pinch of salt (or anything you Ritchie’s Snatch at the cinema and part- cloyingly whimsical, reliant upon either chastity to do this – mainstream US fancy) and you’ll enjoy it. ly due to lovely Channel 4’s continuing a chirpy Northerner/Cockney (anyone films consistently do this better than SF and showcase of Film Four-made and other see Honest?), animals (Chicken Run – we do. Look at the darkness in Tim British films. Guy Ritchie is not good for funny because chickens talk like Jane Burton’s films; the Coen brothers’ end- Galaxy Quest | Churchill | Wed cinema. Yes, he’s going out with Horrocks’ silly voices? Yeah, right.), or less inventiveness; the tense psycholo- 11 | 8pm, 11pm glory Madonna. No, he isn’t talented. British bumbling aristocrats. The one shining gy of X-Men (I’m being serious – The cast of a sci-fi series are whisked cinema won’t progress via the wholesale cinematic triumph in Film Four’s oeuvre Wolverine is a man who knows true away by aliens who believe that they import of Tarantino’s ethically dubious is Velvet Goldmine, essentially a study of pain; Rogue can’t touch those she are the only ones capable of saving Charlie Phillips gets brassed attitudes. As it is, British culture as a where dreams and pretence take you. loves). Aren’t there any British auteurs? them from annihilation. This Star Trek off with British films whole has an identity crisis. Like all our But that’s too shockingly abstract for a There used to be. parody is spot-on, delivering the cack-handed embraces of Americana, Britfilm, isn’t it? goods in terms of action and laughs. Ritchie doesn’t shoot his films as clev- Thus it gets panned Well worth a look. erly as Tarantino. Instead he co-opts a by the critics and CT mood that is irretrievably American and shoved under the dumps it uncomfortably in a Britain that carpet. Once Upon A Time in The West does not venerate violence, no matter I’m not a cultur- | Corpus Christi | Tue 10 | 8pm ooray! Put out the Union Jack how much Ritchie might want us to. al elitist, supporting If you only watch one western in your bunting! Billy Elliott comes out My attitude has nothing to do with only impenetrable life, make sure it’s this one. From the this week, you see, heralded as a distaste for a specific genre of film – avant-garde art legendary opening sequence, to the “the best British film of the year.” much of Film Four’s successful output films. Neither are chilling and brutal finale, this is And it is superb (though Varsity didn’t demonstrates a horrifically narrow range foreign films neces- crammed with crackling dialogue, approve) – genuinely moving and a of film-making. One (the usual) path is sarily unmitigated classic scenes, solid performances, study of how fantasy can infiltrate the that of urban realism – so we get Ken triumphs and a lot of magnificent wind-swept vistas and a lives even of those who seem most Loach boring us with old men in council what Hollywood hauntingly beautiful soundtrack. The depressingly ordinary. Those who made estates, or Ewan MacGregor wheeled in makes is shameful West never looked so wild. it should be proud. But, the rest of to show us that Northern England is full (especially when it Pictures Miramax CT Britain shouldn’t, as part of its appeal is of wrinkled grumpy people played by involves Jim Carrey that well-funded British-made films are Brenda Blethyn, brass bands, drug abuse and cows). However, Sanah Faridi never normally like this. Billy Elliott is and mediocrity. Though perhaps partial- consider the films Photo: Chris Turtle ideas-led as opposed to ‘kooky’ charac- ly true, this is still a tiny market for a currently showing: Ewan MacGregor blows

Arts Picturehouse www.picturehouse-cinemas.co.uk 38/39 ST ANDREWS ST CAMBRIDGE. BOX OFFICE: 50 44 44 STUDENT OFFERS: £3 ALL DAY MONDAY £2 WEDNESDAY BEFORE 5PM Eyes Wide Open? MAYBE: MAYBE NOT. Maybe you know everything there is to know about corporate banking – maybe not. To find out more about career Maybe you’re interested in building opportunities with Citibank a truly global career and living life to visit our website at the full – maybe not. www.citigroup.com/newgrads, or call our Maybe you’re open minded enough to Graduate Recruitment Line leave your preconceptions at home and on 020 7490 4896. talk to Citibank – maybe… Or meet us at our career opportunities presentation. Cambridge: 13 October, 6.30pm Fitzwilliam Museum. Call 020 7490 4896 to register. listings | varsity | 061000

170 CU students sailing/rowing a • Clare Actors: Auditions for Murder in 8350 6612 or 0958 313 381. Sophbeck Trireme from Athens to Africa for Pump the Cathedral (T.S Eliot). Clare College Club, 14 Tredgold Lane, off Napier Friday | 06.10.00 Aid. Venue: Babbage Lecture Theatre , Godwin Room, 00am. Street (next to Grafton Centre). 7pm. Monday | 09.10.00 (New Museums Site, Free School Lane). • CU Musical Theatre Society: £Class &Club:£4 (£3students) Club Film 1:15pm. Announces AUDITIONS for their fresh- only:£3. Film • Arts: 2.30, 4.30, 6.50, 9.00: Billy Theatre ers show - ‘Fascinating Rhythm’ - THIS Music • Arts: 2.30, 4.40, 6.50, 9.00: Billy Elliot (15). 1.30, 6.30: Titus (18). • CU Musical Theatre Society: WEEKEND [email protected] or • The Edge Festival 2000: The Bridge Elliot (15). 1.00, 6.30: Titus (18). 4.10, 9.30: O Brother, Where Art Thou? Announces AUDITIONS for their fresh- 07968364825. Jonzi D Rising Son Shiggz Bombjack 4.10, 9.30: O Brother, Where Art Thou? (12). 3.00: Faust (PG). 5.45, 8.45: ers show - ‘Fascinating Rhythm’ - THIS • Dryden Society: Auditions for ‘Twelfth and more... Kambar, Wheeler Street, (12). 10.00: Western Approaches (PG). Dancer In The Dark (15). WEEKEND. [email protected] or Night’, the 2001 Trinity Great Hall Cambridge, In Association with the Edge 2.45, 5.45, 8.45: Dancer In The Dark Misc 07968364825. show. Trinity College, Junior Parlour. Festival 2000. Bringing Theatre, Music (15) • CU Entrepreneurs: Launch event for • Eat Your House Productions: “HOW TO 10am. and Dance to Cambridge.www.theedge- • Belly Dance: Belly dance for absolute our £50,000 business plan competi- EAT YOUR HOUSE” - Plot, comedy and • Eat Your House Productions: “HOW TO festival.co.uk. 6pm. Tickets available beginners starts again at King’s again. tion. New Museums Site, Babbage stand-up?. The Playroom, 11pm. £3.00. EAT YOUR HOUSE” - Plot, comedy and on door only. King’s College, Chetwynd Room. 7:30pm. Lecture Theatre. 7:30pm. stand-up?. The Playroom, . 11pm. Theatre concs. • Queens’ Contemporary: Meeting with £3.00. • BATS: Auditions for Howard Barker’s • Belly Dance: Belly dance for interme- Queens’ resident dancer, Kenneth Saturday | 07.10.00 • Girton Drama: Auditions for MacBeth, JUDITH. Contact Sarah on sp268 for diate/Advanced begins again at King’s. Tharp, about forthcoming classes. for a performance in Micaelmas term. details. Queens’, Angevin Rm. 11am. All welcome. King’s College, Chetwynd Queens’ College, Bowett Room. 5pm. Film Wolfson Court, Clarkson Road, (off • BATS: Auditions for SLAG, A play by Room. 9pm. concs. • Queens’ Ents: NAUGHTY! 90s anthems • Arts: 11.00: Kids Club – Thomas And Grange Road). 12am. David Hare for three women. Contact • Yoga with Barbara Harding: Stretch and chart hits. Queens’ College, 7pm. The Magic Railroad (U). 2.30, 4.40, • Tidal Wave Theatre: Professional com- Jon on jmic2. Queens’ College, The your body, stretch your mind (and • SALSA DANCE CLASSES WITH NELSON 6.50, 9.00: Billy Elliot (15). 1.30, pany performs English-language pre- stage, Fitzpatrick Hall. 11am. breathe!!). St Marks Community Centre, BATISTA: Absolute beg/improvers: 6- 6.30: Titus (18). 4.10, 9.30: O Brother, miere of new Bengali play. The • Making Good Theatre: Actors for new Barton Road. 8pm. £3/5 per class. 7.30pm All levels:7.30-9.00pm. Info: Where Art Thou? (12). 2.45, 8.45: Playroom, 7:30pm. £3.50. play, ‘The Global Millennium’ by Rani Music 020 8350 6612 or 0958 313 381. St. Dancer In The Dark (15) Drew. 1pm–5pm, New Cellars, Pembroke • CU Troubadours: Open rehearsal - sing Columbas Hall, 4 Downing Place (opp. Misc • BATS: Auditions for The Birthday Party and play medieval music! Recorder Crowne Plaza). 6pm. £5 per class (£4 • C.U.Hispanic Society: *SQUASH!*FREE (Harold Pinter). Queens’ College, players welcome. Jesus College, Octagon students). Sangria, Kalimotxo, Mate and Hispanic Sunday | 08.10.00 Erasmus Room. 00am. Room. 7:30pm. Music Music! Queens’ College, Erasmus Room. • Clare Actors: Auditions for Murder in • Revelation Rock-Gospel Choir: First • Cambridge Modern Jazz Club: Monica 6pm. Film the Cathedral (T.S Eliot). Clare College Rehearsal - open to all, come along Vasconcelos’ Nois: top Brazilian style • New Hall and Jesus Ents present • Christ’s Films: Man on the Moon. Godwin Room, 00am. and sing! Peterhouse, Music Room. jazz out of London. Sophbeck Sessions, FRESH: house/garage drum’n’bass, Christs College, New Court Theatre. 8pm • CU Musical Theatre Society: 7:30pm. Cobble yard, Napier St, Cambridge. hiphop, 70’s - featuring Lisa Marie & 10:30pm. £2. Announces AUDITIONS for their fresh- • Toxic 8 nightclub: “Adelante”,students 8:30pm. £12/£9. Experience, Maxi Jazz. New Hall, • Arts: 2.30, 4.40, 6.50, 9.00: Billy ers show - ‘Fascinating Rhythm’ - THIS night,entry from £1,4 floors of music. • Queens’ Ents: NAUGHTY! 90s pop and Huntingdon Road. 9pm. £7 in advance, Elliot (15). 2.00: Earth (15). 4.10, WEEKEND [email protected] or promotional drinks £1, 8pm-2am. 8pm. chart hits. Queens’ College, 9pm. £8 on door. 9.30: O Brother, Where Art Thou? (12). 07968364825. • University of Cambridge Concert • The Edge Festival 2000: ICU present • Queens’ Ents: ES PARADIS. Relive the 6.30: Titus (18). 1.00: Umbrellas of • Dryden Society: Auditions for ‘Twelfth Band: First Rehearsal. No auditions JD Chilla & Boney Em with Cutting Summer through Ibiza anthems! Cherbourg (PG). 3.00: Faust (PG). 5.45, Night’, the 2001 Trinity Great Hall required. Newnham College, Old labs. Edge Drum’n’Bass. Man On The Moon, Queens’ College, 9pm. 8.45: Dancer In The Dark (15) show. Trinity College, Junior Parlour. 8pm. Norfolk Street, Cambridge, The Edge Music • Robinson Films: Robinson Films 10am. Festival 2000 brings Theatre, Music and • New Hall and Jesus Ents present Presents “The Beach” - Admission • Making Good Theatre: auditions 1- Dance to Cambridge.www.theedgefesti- FRESH: house, drum’n’bass, hiphop, FREE! 7.00 and 10.00. Robinson 5p.m for new play, ‘Global Millennium’ val.co.uk for further details. 01223- garage, seventies - featuring Lisa Marie College, Auditorium. by Rani Drew. Pembroke College, in the Tuesday | 10.10.00 511511 for booking details. Experience, Maxi Jazz, Devious D. New • St John’s Films: Chicken Run. 7:30pm New Cellars. 1pm. 07769518035 for info. 9pm. £2 Hall, Huntingdon Road. 9pm. £7 in and 10pm. St. John’s College, Fisher • Pembroke Players: Auditions for ‘Road’ Film advance or B4 9.00pm / £3 after advance, £8 on door. Building. 7:30pm. £1.80. by Jim Cartwright, 12-6.30, contact • Corpus Christi College Pictures: ONCE Limited Tickets Available. • Queens’ Ents: Es Paradis. Relive the • Trinity Films on tour... ‘Fight Club’...in Jack Thorne jt251. ADC Theatre, Bar. UPON A TIME IN THE WEST, Sergio • The Peace: Blues rock, funk and beats Summer with Ibiza anthems. Queens’ Corpus Christi Auditorium at 8pm. £2 with a meat injection. Selwyn College, College, 9pm. only! MONDAY 30 OCTOBER - SATURDAY 4 NOVEMBER The Diamond Room. 9pm. • St John’s Ents: HEAT - 2 rooms of Misc • Trinity Hall Chapel Choir: Auditions commercial & funky house CUSU ID • Cambridge Labour Students: Freshers’ ‘Bloody Good Fun!’ TIME OUT for all voices. 6-8pm. Just turn up. essential. St. John’s College, Fisher squash - lots of free wine and Trinity Hall Music Room, 6pm. Building. 9pm. £4. Socialism!. King’s College, Chetwynd Talk • Trinity Hall Chapel Choir: Auditions Room. 7:30pm. • Pump Aid - Rowing to Africa: Join for all voices. 12-2pm. Just turn up. • SALSA NIGHT WITH NELSON BATISTA: Trinity Hall Music Room, 12am. Class for absolute beg/imp:7.00- Theatre 7.45pm Dancing till 11.00pm Info: 020 • BATS: Auditions for Howard Barker’s JUDITH. Queens’ College, Angevin The world famous ‘alternative’ circus comes to the Corn Exchange. Room. 11am. The bizarre world of THE CIRCUS • Making Good Theatre: Actors for new OF HORRORS has to be seen to play, ‘The Global Millennium’ by Rani be believed! Once inside you’ll Drew. 1pm–5pm, New Cellars, Pembroke come to face to face with all manner • BATS: Auditions for SLAG, A play by of oddities including FAKIRS and sensational CIRCUS David Hare for 3 women, contact Jon ACTS bringing you an amazing amalgamation of on jmic2. Queens’ College, The Stage, SWORD SWALLOWERS, TRAPEZE ARTISTS, Fitzpatrick Hall. 11am. SNAKE CHARMERS, contortingly tying themselves • BATS: Auditions for The Birthday Party in knots, TATTOOED LADIES squeezing into tiny bottles, VAMPIRES . . . and the awesome FLYING STUDENTS, UNWAGED: £10.00 ! (Harold Pinter). Queens’ College, SKELETONS . . . all presided over by the MONDAY: TWO TICKETS FOR Erasmus Room. 00am. Undead Ringmaster, DR HAZE. THE PRICE OF ONE MONDAY TO FRIDAY 7.30PM www.kettlesyard.cam.ac.uk/students SATURDAY 6.00PM & 9.00PM IN ASSOCIATION WITH new hall and jesus ents present: TICKETS £18.00 £15.00 £12.50 CAMBRIDGE CORN EXCHANGE FRESHFRESH BOX OFFICE 01223 357851 www.cornex.co.uk Sat 7th Oct, 9pm–2am @ New Hall, Huntingdon Road KETTLE'S YARD GALLERY & HOUSE HOUSE, GARAGE, DRUM’N’BASS, HIPHOP, 70’S Contemporary art exhibitions, £7 in advance, £8 on door talks, music, 20th century art and objects. from ents officers @ new hall, jesus, clare, emma, caius and christs Come up for air, headspace

www.undergroundtrax.com/fresh and daylight. www.kettlesyard.cam.ac.uk/students CLARE CELLARS FOOTLIGHTS FRI 6/10: R’N’B: SHORTEE BLITZ THE ULTIMATE HYBRID OF THE LATEST IN R’N’B’ AND HIPHOP squash 9pm £4 Saturday 7 Oct SUNDAY 8/10: CLARE JAZZ presents 4.30Ð6.30pm THE DAVID GILBERT QUARTET ADC Bar FROM LONDON’S ‘JAZZ ON THE STREETS’ FESTIVAL 9pm £4 ALL WELCOME 061000 | varsity | listings

Leone’s masterpiece. McCrum Theatre, night experimental, partly improvised low stakes poker society. Trinity Hall, Dancer In The Dark (15) Benet Street. 8pm. £2. comedy experience. ADC Theatre. 11pm. Bar. 7pm. • Christ’s Films: Mars Attacks!. Christs • Arts: 1.30: A Canterbury Tale (PG). £3.50. • Yoga with Barbara Harding: Stretch Thursday | 12.10.00 College, New Court Theatre. 10pm. £2. 4.40, 6.50, 9.00: Billy Elliot (15). • Footlights: The highlights of last your body, stretch your mind!. St • Robinson Films: Robinson Films 1.00: Titus (18). 4.10, 9.30: O Brother, year’s Smokers 11pm. ADC Theatre. Marks, Barton Road. 5:45pm. £3/5. Film Presents: Human Traffic. Robinson Where Art Thou? (12). 6.30: Dancer In 11pm. £2.50 (members) £3.50 (oth- Music • Arts: 10.00: Great Expectations (U). College, Auditorium. 9:30pm. £2.00. The Dark (15). 2.45: Dancer In The ers). • Clare College Music Society: Chris 2.30, 4.40, 6.50, 9.00: Billy Elliot • St John’s Films: Being John Dark (15). 9.15: Chocolat (15) • MND: ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’. The Weston (piano) new work by Joseph (15). 1.00, 6.30: Titus (18). 4.20, Malkovich. St. John’s College, Fisher Misc Playroom. 8pm. £4. Finlay Beethoven Moonlight sonata. 9.30: O Brother, Where Art Thou? (12). Building. 9pm. £1.80. • C.U. Ninjutsu Club: Beginners classes Clare College, Bennett Room, Memorial 3.00: Thorne Of Blood (15). 5.45, 8.45: in Ninjutsu, a fascinating and practical Court. 8pm. £1. martial art. Small Gym at Fenners. 8pm. • West Cambridge Symphony Orchestra: BRICKHOUSE THEATRE COMPANY BRICKHOUSE THEATRE COMPANY £3.00. Wednesday | 11.10.00 Welcomes all instrumentalists, particu- ANNOUNCES AUDITIONS INVITES APPLICATIONS • Samatha Meditation: Free classes in larly strings, brass and percussion. for for traditional Buddhist meditation. Darwin Film Wesley Methodist Church, For details see College. 8pm. • Churchill MCR Film Soc.: Galaxy http://www.cam.ac.uk/societies/wcso/jo THE COSTUME DESIGNER • Yoga with Barbara Harding: Stretch Quest. Churchill College, Wolfson Hall. in.htm. 7:25pm. your body, stretch your mind! . St 8pm. £1.80. Theatre THREEPENNY OPERA CHOREOGRAPHER Marks, Barton Road. 5:45pm. £3/5. • Arts: 10.00: Run Lola Run (15). 2.30, • A Midsummer Night’s Dream: Two A play with music by Bertolt Brecht For their 7th week production Theatre 4.40, 6.50, 9.00: Billy Elliot (15). Pucks, voyeuristic fairies and a very of Bertolt Brecht’s • A Midsummer Night’s Dream: Two 1.00, 6.30: Titus (18). 4.20, 9.30: O camp Bottom... The Playroom. 7:30pm. Sunday 8th Oct 12Ð7pm THE THREEPENNY OPERA Pucks, voyeuristic fairies and a very Brother, Where Art Thou? (12). 2.45, £4 students, £5 non-students. Monday 9th Oct 2Ð9pm DEADLINE: THURSDAY 12th OCTOBER camp Bottom. The Playroom. 7:30pm. 5.45, 8.45: Dancer In The Dark (15) Robinson College Music Room Contact: Lydia Nelson, len21 £4 students, £5 non-students. Misc Tel: 07971 022171 • Cambridge Footlights : Smokers - late • CU Poker Society: Squash for friendly, Feel free to bring something to sing www.brickhousetheatre.co.uk

AUDITIONS FOR AUDITIONS A NEW PLAY LOVERS ‘THE HOUSE OF FLIES’ by Brian Friel CADS 7th Week Mainshow Monday 9th October Christ’s New Court Gallery Tuesday 10th October Sat & Sun 10Ð4 1pm – 7pm For info. please contact Yael Robinson College at ys222 or 0956 501 757 Games Room

Trinity College Dryden Society SHADWELL in association with Pembroke Players present Create something special and original: announces AUDITIONS for THE ROYAL COURT announce ¥ A momento of Cambridge William Shakespeare’s ROAD ¥ Sign a plate or mug with friends AUDITIONS by Jim Cartwright ¥ Get ahead with early Christmas presents ‘TWELFTH NIGHT’ for ¥ Paint an original Birthday gift to be performed 14thÐ16th Jan ¥ It’s easy with Glaze to Amaze, the only in The Great Hall, Trinity College THE COUNTRY AUDITIONS “paint your own ceramic shop” in Cambridge! by Martin Crimp Sunday 8th Oct Sat 7th and Sun 8th October 54 Burleigh Street 12 Ð 6.30 pm (next to the Grafton Centre) 10Ð1 and 2Ð5 A WEEK 5 PLAYROOM MAINSHOW ADC Bar Tel: 01223 319600 Junior Parlour, Trinity College SAT 1Ð4, SUN 1Ð4 Present this ad to qualify for 10% discount. Queries: [email protected] The Green Room, Caius College Contact Jack Thorne jt251 Valid until 31 December 2000

CU Musical Theatre Society CU Musical Theatre Society Preston Society announces:- cadenza invites applications for presents AUDITIONS for Cadenza, a mixed-voice choir specialising in a cappella arrangements ‘Fascinating Rhythm’ ‘Fascinating Rhythm’ ‘Tis Pity She’s a Whore of popular, jazz and musical numbers, is looking for new singers (soprano, alto, tenor and bass) AUDITIONS FOR by John Ford MUSICAL DIRECTOR FRESHER ACTORS/ So come to our informal auditions! (must be able to arrange) SINGERS/DANCERS Sat/Sun 2 Ð 6pm Saturday 7 October, 3.00pm to 6.00pm and Bring a song if you want B1 @ Trinity Hall Sunday 8 October, 2.00pm to 5.00pm Fri 4–7, Sat 11–5 (Oct 6th & 7th) both in the Old Library, Emmanuel College JAZZ MUSICIANS Contact Tjarda at [email protected] Contact mkp24 or 07968 364 825 Contact Kate: kmc29 or Madeleine at [email protected] or tel: 01223 302258 Contact mkp24 or 07968 364 825 for location 07747 778104 ARCADIA INVITE APPLICATIONS FOR FUNDING for Michaelmas term 2000

DEADLINE: FRIDAY 13TH OCTOBER Written applications to Katie McAleese, Sidney Sussex Fitzbillies is best (Tel: 07980 577937) For take-away MAKE A DIFFERENCE Join a stimulating, home-based Filled baguettes, wraps plan, for our 6 year old mildly and Hot Panini autistic daughter, based on Sun-rise Programme. We would like to ask you to Free coffee with any volunteer 4 hours per week purchase before 10.30 (for six months) reimbursed travelling expenses On the corner of Trumpington St. and Pembroke St. Make the call – Tel: 248622 MAKE A DIFFERENCE listings | varsity | 061000

LesBiGay Maria 5 0’clock. Kettle’s Yard, Kettle’s Street (opposite Pembroke). 7:30pm. Theatre • Tight Laced - The Masked Ball: Yard, Castle Street. 7pm. £5, £3 concessions. • A Midsummer Night’s Dream: Two Techno/Sleazy. Strict dresscode. The Q Theatre • TRINITY ENTS: presenting Pucks, voyeuristic fairies and a very Classified Club, 1-3 Station Road, Cambridge • A Midsummer Night’s Dream: Two OveRdOSe2000: DRUM + BASS//BREAKS camp Bottom... The Playroom. 7:30pm. Tel.01223 315466. 9pm. £2 B4 10:30, Pucks, voyeuristic fairies and a very + BEATS. Trinity College, WPR. 9pm. £3. £4 students, £5 non-students. £3 after. camp Bottom... The Playroom. 7:30pm. • UNIQUE: A one off musical trip from Talk £4 students, £5 non-students. pop to dance (last entry 10:30pm). The • Kettle’s Yard Gallery: Works by two University Centre, (Granta Place, Mill SAX/GUITAR TUITION – jazz, popular, young British Artists; Jane Dixon: Lane). 8:30pm. £3. blues, classical, improvisation. Parallel Objects & Juan Cruz: Santa Plus live jazz for events, dancing, Friday | 13.10.00 background 30’s–90’s moods. www.jazz-ambience.com. Tel: 365276 The Marlowe Society Misc Barbara Harding ANNOUNCES AUDITIONS • SALSA DANCE CLASSES WITH NELSON will now be teaching MODELS REQUIRED for life drawing BATISTA: Absolute beg/improvers:6- classes, £9p.h. (Inexperienced models FOR AUGUST Yoga on 7.30pm All levels:7.30-9.00pm. Mondays 3pm, Darwin, are welcome). contact: Mr. Kourbaj, winner of the RSC Info:020 8350 6612 or 0958 313 381. CATS, 13/14 Round Church Street, CB5 The European Theatre Group and ‘other prize’ for new writing St. Columbas Hall, 4 Downing Place 8AD. Email: [email protected] (opp. Crowne Plaza). 6pm. £5 per class announces auditions for its Mondays 8 pm, Tuesdays (£4 students). Winter 2000 Tour of Europe Sat 7th Oct, 12–5 Music with 5.45 pm and Wednesdays Chetwynd Room, • Cafe Studio: Professional singer/song- Shakespeare’s THE TEMPEST 5.45pm all at St Marks King’s College writer Nancy Sawyer performs spiritual Actors, singers and dancers required pop. Emmanuel URC, Trumpington Sat 7th and Sun 8th October 2000 Contact TGP20 1Ð6pm, Ramsden Room, St Catharine’s FOOTLIGHTS FOOTLIGHTS ADC 7th Week Late Show Contact Matt Applewhite (mea26) invite applications for more details. announce auditions for for HONG KONG STORY *** TREASURE ISLAND The European Theatre Group Sat 7 Oct 12Ð4 TOUR MANAGER NEEDS DANCERS invites applications for Sun 8 Oct 2Ð6 2001 National Tour Winstanley Lecture Theatre 3 FRESHER TECHNICIANS Contact Alison aec32 AUDITIONS: 7th and 8th October to join its Winter 2000 Trinity College (opp. Great Gate) 07710 488423 2.30pm Tour of Europe (No experience necessary) ACTORS, ACTRESSES, No. 13 Park Terrace Contact Rob Loxley (ral32) SINGERS, DANCERS, ETC. Deadline: Midnight, Friday 13th October Email: [email protected] for more details WEEK 5 CLARE ACTORS BLEEDING EDGE THEATRE: A DOUBLE BILL announces auditions for Howard Barker’s Murder In The Cathedral SLAG by T.S. Eliot A play by David Hoe for 3 women JUDITH 4th Week Playroom Mainshow The Stage, Fitzpatrick Hall, A parting from the body Queens Sat 7th Oct 12Ð5 Angevin Room, Queens 12Ð5pm Sat 7th & Sun 8th Oct Sun 8th Oct 12Ð5 11Ð4pm Sat 7th & Sun 8th Oct Any questions, contact Any questions, contact Clare College, Old Court, Jon Croker jmic2 (director) Sarah on sp268, 07989 559698 Godwin Room Any queries contact ked24 Or contact producers: Kirsty (kjw34) or Kate (kjb31)

Cambridge University WEEK 7 SHOWS: Gilbert and Sullivan Society

ANNOUNCES AUDITIONS Harold Pinter’s FOR ENSEMBLE PARTS in a THE BIRTHDAY Fifth week ADC Mainshow production of PARTY Erasmus Room, Queens Sweeney Todd – The Demon 12Ð6pm Sat 7th & Sun 8th Oct Barber of Fleet Street Contact crm29 Pembroke New Music Room Friday 6th October 6.30–8pm Saturday 7th October 10am–6pm Turn up at any time – bring something to sing if you like

Any queries to Paddy Birbeck on 0797 4568853 or Email [email protected]

AMERICANS! Absentee Ballots/ Voting Information at University Centre on Oct 9, 11.30Ð4.30, 2nd Fl. If you are a registered voter or want to register to vote, a Voting Assistance Officer will have Federal Write-In Absentee Ballots and Voter Registration Forms. Can’t come? www.fvap.ncr.gov CHANGE IS THE ONLY TRUE GLOBAL CURRENCY. THIS IS WHERE YOU’LL LEARN TO CAPITALISE ON IT.

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degrees, especially after enacting slabs and columns which remained of extracts of the plays in the mighty the- the 2,500 year old theatre at Elida, it atre of Epidauros. Acting on this vast was difficult not to feel fully in awe of stage, looking out over a potential the place, as well as an obligation to House of fun audience of thousands, proved a perform well. In the event, performing unique technical and artistic chal- Electra in such a venue was as magical Greece lenge. Literally treading in the foot- as it promised to be. Not much suspen- steps of two millennia of actors before sion of disbelief was needed to provide How to Eat Your House | Playroom | Tue 3 Ð Sat 7 | 11pm us felt like we were taking theatre back an atmosphere of desperate tragedy, as is the to its roots. As well as getting a good we weaved our way around ruins or Bringing the house down shouldn’t work for long but somehow does, suntan. cried out from behind ancient walls.” in a warm and nice sort of way. Joe Wicks: “Our first official venue Jot Davies: “Our next venue for et in the mildly tense world of But while each scene of the show is at word was a white marble amphitheatre with Blood Wedding was somewhat different. three housemates, How to Eat least mostly funny, the narrative focus of a backdrop of sea, sky and sun-kissed There was no escaping the fact that we Your House is a light blend of the play itself – the build up to the big mountains in the industrial city and were performing in a forest, with a stand-up and sketch-play. comedy night – isn’t always engaging Matthew Applewhite, director international ferry port of Patras. The canopy hanging above us and pine As we follow the three aspiring enough to sustain the material within it. of Electra, introduces a selec- first night was pretty tense, especially needles crunching underfoot. And what comedians – Alex Horne, Tom Bell, and There is perhaps a little too much sitting tion of reflections by members after discovering that our entire set could have been more fitting? The Emma Conway, who play themselves – around, and it does last slightly too long. of his cast had gone missing somewhere between third act of the play opens in the for- preparing for their first gig, they present In addition, the show is essentially the UK and Greece. Apparently, starting est. It acts as both a shadowy refuge their surreal comic inventions to each about bad comedy, as personified by Tom the show any less than half an hour for the ill-fated lovers and the moonlit other. Tom Bell’s world is an innocent and Bell’s comic persona ‘Jimmy Chucklepants’ late would be considered rude. So, run- arena of the final death-match. It cheery wonderland of fishfingers and (catchphrase: Wadawadawada!). ning 45 minutes late, with the lights seemed perfect to be performing this inventing things that already exist – Consequently, at times it feels like the cast just set up and a makeshift set assem- with the hooting of owls and the scrap- (beer plus lemonade = lemon-ale!); whilst are simply trying to disclaim responsibility bled, a curious audience wandered in – ing of crickets punctuating Lorca’s Alex always wins at Chinese whispers and for the quality of the comedy, instead of many of whom spoke no English and eerie poetry.” likes cows. Emma, the melancholy one, creating anything new. ‘Comedy’ in invert- whose theatrical etiquette included Kate Doulton: “Having spent the has cunningly hit on a winning comic for- ed commas is all very well, but the best ext week’s homecoming of pro- mobile phone conversations mid-per- afternoon on a blistering hot beach, mula – taking letters off the beginning of moments come when it’s pure, rather than ductions of Sophocles’ Electra formance.” we turned up at our final venue, an words to make new words. Thus ironic. and Lorca’s Blood Wedding her- Lucia Latimer: “Much of our time atmospheric courtyard on the island of ‘Dangerman’ becomes ‘German’, and BBC Manchester are apparently con- alds the final chapter in the story in the quiet rural town of Amaliada, Naxos. As flocks of birds wheeled over- ‘Poirot’ turns into ‘rot’. Genius. sidering adapting the show into a radio of this summer’s Amateur Dramatic our next venue, was spent publicising head and the sun started to set, a The show begins with Alex playing a sitcom, and this format should work well – Club tour of Greece. Here members of our performances and some of us were strange phenomenon began to occur. giant game of Guess Who. (Remember indeed, the funniest bit of the show was in the cast describe the highlights of a even asked for autographs. Most mem- People, – not figments of a thesp’s that old favourite?) Up stands the audi- audio, as Emma Conway is put on hold and unique working holiday. orably, we distributed flyers at Ancient imagination – hundreds of real people ence as we race to guess which audience sings along to Why Does it Always Rain on In early July 2000 – after months Olympia, where an American woman started to stream through the entrance member he’s thinking of. Is it the chap Me as the chap on the other end listens of planning, a frantic ten-day rehears- sincerely enlightened us: ‘This is where gates. By the time the performance with yellow whiskers? This is audience on. al period and successful previews at an the first Olympic Games took place. began, every seat was occupied and participation at its best, and Alex Horne Thus, although the folk at How to Eat open-air Greek theatre in Berkshire – Isn’t that amazing? I guess they only there were even several people stand- is an exceptionally talented stand-up – Your House may not provide many particu- the Amateur Dramatic Club Greece Tour had track and field back then, ing. Suddenly, none of us was tired any responding seamlessly to the audience’s, larly useful gastronomic pointers in the company finally arrived in Athens. We though.’” more and something clicked. The audi- well, bemusement. course of the night, theirs is a funny show soon adapted to the prospect of per- Alex Madden: “By the time we’d ence were enthralled until the very end Meanwhile, Tom Bell has a surreal that’s definitely worth seeing. forming in temperatures of over 40 finished clambering around the huge and the applause did not stop.” comic manner of knowing naivety that Ben Musgrave Photo: Andy Prag Photo: Andy Prag Photo: Williams James

theatre previews

Night’s Sunlight | Playroom | Sat Blood Wedding | ADC | Tue 10, Losing your religion 7 Oct | 8pm Thu 12 & Sat 14 Oct | 7.45pm Racial alienation, radical politics and More tragic goings-on, as the Electra dreams of Bengal come to Cambridge cast perform Lorca’s exploration of God Only Knows | Arts Theatre | Mon 2 Ð Sat 7 | 7.45pm, 2.30pm (Thur & Sat) as part of the Arts Council’s love and loss. Anyone would think Millennium Festival tour. there was a compulsory Part II Jacobi shines in dramatised covery that could have momentous Some fine comic moments also English paper on tragedy. theological debate implications. serve to either lighten the mood or The Best of the Fest | Arts During the evening that follows, evoke nervous “is it OK to say that?” Theatre | Sun 8 Oct | 7.30pm Sensible Haircut | ADC | ugh Whitemore’s latest play, the couples are drawn by their unex- laughter amongst a largely middle- Danny Bhoy hosts this showcase of Wed 11 Ð Sat 14 Oct | 11pm starring Derek Jacobi, is a pected guest into a lively discussion of class audience. Edinburgh 2000’s top comedy acts. Footlights’ much-lauded Edinburgh thought-provoking drama religious belief. The cast were generally superb, Featuring Andrew Maxwell, Julia Tour Show returns to Cambrige to be which raises perceptive ques- Does it, for instance, enhance our with Jacobi dominating the stage in a Morris and Jeff Innocent. John lauded a bit more. Expect laughter, tions about commonly held religious moral and humanitarian aspects or part written especially for him. Kate Finnemore is busy. surprise, and delight. And that’s only beliefs, particularly Christian ones, and does it “reduce us to abject, non- Coker (Margot Leicester) was amusing when you see the new bar. examines the nature of faith. thinking slags”? Should we believe in as a hospitable and diplomatic moth- Electra | ADC | Mon 9, Wed 11 & Set on the terrace of an isolated things we can’t or even don’t want to er whilst Charles Minto (David Fri 13 Oct | 7.45pm A Midsummer Night’s Dream | farmhouse in present-day Tuscany, the prove? Yelland) gave a powerful performance Leaving behind tumbledown ruins of Playroom | Tue 10 - Sat 14 Oct | action begins with two holidaying cou- Whitemore’s well-argued views as the challenged representative of a a Greek amphitheatre in favour of a 7.30pm ples, the Mintos and the Cokers, relax- reveal a vehemently atheist side and conservative establishment. more up-to-date venue, this produc- Originally intended as an outdoor ing after an evening meal. The spell of are backed by a plethora of biological, John Gunter’s intricately designed tion of Sophocles’ classic revenge May Week show, this long-awaited contentment is broken by the sound of biblical and biographical explanations. set was excellent, complemented by tragedy has been described as stun- production of Shakespeare’s perenni- a crashing car, and out of the shadows The result occasionally feels like a some clever lighting effects. ningly visual. For the female protag- al favourite promises to stand out bursts the pyjama clad figure of debating forum with the play’s momen- God Only Knows is a play which onist, avenging her father’s death from the crowd, apparently by featur- Humphrey Biddulph (Jacobi). tum sometimes slowing at the expense will no doubt divide audiences and means killing her mother. ing two Pucks. Amidst furtive glances and panic- of making a point. However, it does challenge assumptions. If one of the stricken stutters, he very reluctantly make a point, and there are times when purposes of theatre is to make you explains that he is a translator of you feel part of the audience bristling think, then this play succeeds with GR ancient scriptures, on the run from with indignation whilst others are aplomb. Italian authorities after making a dis- agreeing whole-heartedly. Kaj Rucinski 061000 | varsityarts

Game, set and match Cantab Rachel Buller colours in Thomas Gray The Stars’ Tennis Balls | Stephen Fry | Hutchinson | £16.99

Anyone for tennis? Twenty years pass, and the stars put ing alcoholic – and those were his away their tennis racquets. But the good points. It’s a far cry from Mike n a radical break with reviewing meteoric rise of dot-com entrepreneur and Psmith, Wodehouse’s other comic homas Gray was for many years most of his life. protocol, you won’t have to read Simon Cotter sets the game in motion creations. The Stars’ Tennis Balls is no a fellow commoner of Gray always remained prone to the to the end of the review to find once more – a game in which there can different; the themes of arrogance, Peterhouse, but left in 1756 romantic malady, suffering periodic out about Stephen Fry’s fourth ultimately be no winners. pomposity and sheer bloody-minded- after becoming the butt of an bouts of soul-searching and depres- novel. If you’re in a hurry, then simply Fry’s writing is often compared to ness bring out Fry’s gleeful best. Fry undergraduate joke. Petrified of fire, he sion. Shy and bookish, he never take my word for it; The Stars’ Tennis that of P G Wodehouse, and indeed he knows all too well how clever he is, but had arranged for a blacksmith to fit an taught, and remained something of a Balls is brilliant. makes no secret of his admiration for he takes such obvious delight in his iron railing to the masonry outside his recluse; Dr Johnson described him, It’s 1980. Ned Maddstone is eight- the Jeeves and Wooster author. It’s true writing that it’s impossible not to be window, so that in the event of a con- unkindly, as a “dull fellow”. All of this een, and his life seems perfect. The that Fry, like Wodehouse, loves lan- entranced. His latest novel is deli- flagration he could tie his bed sheets pervades Gray’s most famous work, the charming, floppy-haired schoolboy is guage; he’s clearly fascinated by the ciously witty, unreservedly opinionated to it, climbing to safety. The iron bar is Elegy in a Country Churchyard; written captain of the First XI, Head Boy, and is ways that people speak. Portia’s par- and utterly captivating. If you buy still there today, on the top storey of perhaps as early as 1742 but kept pri- about to sit his Oxford entrance exams. ents, fantastically solemn and doctri- only one book this term, make it this the neo-classical building next to vate until its publication was enforced His girlfriend, Portia Fendeman, is drop- naire, are the source of some conversa- one. Little St Mary’s. One night, however, a in 1751. Much to his horror, it was an dead gorgeous and absolutely besotted tional gems: “E P Thompson is deliver- Nick Poyntz group of undergraduates woke Gray instant success. The Elegy gave new with him. Not surprisingly, everybody ing a lecture on during the small hours with shouts of expression to a popular brand of senti- else hates him. Portia’s parents – two Cultural Imperialism “Fire! Fire!” Terrified, he stumbled over mentality that had been previously kaftan-wearing, CND-marching to the Fabian to his window and climbed out, only to associated with members of the so- Hampstead intellectuals – are appalled Society; we’ve forty- land in a barrel of water placed at the called ‘graveyard school’, such as that their daughter can have fallen for five minutes to get bottom by the pranksters. He was not Robert Blair. As befitted Gray’s social such a pillar of the establishment. there.” Ned and amused, and left the college in disgust status, the poem’s rustic peasants are Gordon, Portia’s cousin, has only met Portia’s love letters to become a fellow of Pembroke. viewed from a romantic and suitably Ned once, but instinctively hated him likewise contain the This incident reveals much of Gray’s distorting distance. While Gray dwells on sight. Rufus Cade, Ned’s lackadaisi- sort of cringe-wor- personality. Born in London in 1716, sorrowfully on the obscurity of their cal, perpetually stoned classmate, thy platitudes that the son of a scrivener, Gray’s childhood lives, he assumes that underneath their thinks Ned is a sanctimonious twat; so we’ve all used and had been classically oedipal. He outward hardships lies an untapped, square he doesn’t even do cannabis. all instantly regret- loathed his bullying father, but adored natural and poetic understanding of Ashley Barson-Garland, a sordid, snivel- ted. his mother. In later life he would walk truth. ling social climber, can’t stand the fact But Fry’s novels forty miles in a single day to visit her. While Gray’s agrarian romanticism that Ned is everything he has ever are generally much The only one of twelve children to sur- might now be unfashionable, the wanted to be, and everything he never darker than any- vive childhood, he commemorated her Elegy’s masterful sense of music and will be. thing by on her tomb as “the careful tender cadence alone is enough to justify its The tennis balls alluded to in the Wodehouse. His first mother of many children, one of whom status. And there are other sides to title come not from Wimbledon but from book, The Liar, gave had the misfortune to survive her.” She Gray too. Later poems, such as The Webster’s The Duchess of Malfi – “we are us Adrian Healey, an sent him to Eton, where Gray was a Fatal Sisters and The Descent of Odin merely the stars’ tennis balls, struck and arrogant, menda- close friend of, amongst others, reflect Gray’s growing interest in Welsh banded which way please them.” And cious and self- Richard West and Horace Walpole. and Norse mythology and poetical Ned is about to be smashed to the back obsessed public Indeed, after leaving Eton he and forms. And his Ode on the Death of a of the court. A dying teacher’s last schoolboy. Ted Walpole set off on a Grand Tour round Favourite Cat, written for Walpole in words, and a malicious practical joke Wallace in The Italy and the Alps. But they quarrelled, 1747, shows a wittiness and sense of played by Cade and Barson-Garland, Hippopotamus was a and Gray angrily flounced back to fun that evidently went unnoticed by lead to Ned’s arrest and disappearance. decrepit, womanis- Photo: Books Arrow Cambridge, where he was to spend Dr Johnson.

Poetry in motion

Thalia Ruimteveiller investigates the world of contemporary poetry festivals

Nine tenths of English poetic next week, London’s Poetry Cafe is Paterson, whose God’s Gift to Women October, Arthur Miller will be in con- great depths of the nation’s tastes in literature,” wrote Robert playing host to a series of world won the T S Eliot Prize in 1997. The versation with the theatre and film literature is all very well, but the real Graves, “is the result either of cuisines. Michael Donaghy, for committee is chaired by Germaine director Richard Eyre, talking about his value of National Poetry Day lies in vulgar careerism, or of a poet instance, is sampling the delights of Greer. Past winners have included both work and his new collection of essays, promoting fresh talent; without it, trying to keep his hand in. Most poets Mexican cooking. The day itself began established and previously unpub- Down the Corridor. Later this year, on contemporary poetry would lack much are dead by their late twenties.” A with Andrew Motion indulging in a lished poets, and there is still time to 3–5 November, the East Suffolk coastal of its energy and vibrancy. quick glance at National Poetry Day, ‘power breakfast’ – just the thing for enter – the closing date for submis- town of Aldeburgh will be hosting its which has just celebrated its seventh the high-flying Poet Laureate. sions is 31 October. twelfth International Poetry Festival. anniversary, might tempt you to agree But there’s a lot more to the Earlier in the year, the London The Festival is probably the best literary listings with him. In previous years the event, British poetry scene than Motion’s Festival of Literature laid on a tremen- attended of its kind, and will combine organised by the Poetry Society in culinary adventures. More low-key, but dous range of literary events, including readings from national and foreign The Poetry Society: cooperation with the BBC, has been far more influen- talks by such poets, workshops, children’s events, www.poetrysoc.com accompanied by a series of high-pro- tial than public authors as P D and public masterclasses. Michael Visit their official website to find out file opinion polls. The nation’s opinion polls, is James, Colin Hoffmann will be talking about Robert more about what they do, and to find favourite love poem, it emerges, is the National Dexter and Lowell, and there will be appearances further details of the National Poetry Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s How do I Poetry Margaret Attwood. from the likes of Patience Agbabi, U A Competition. love thee? Rudyard Kipling’s If also Competition, The Festival also Fanthorpe and Roger McGough. seems to be a perennial favourite. Last organised by the featured Bob Most important of all, though, is The London Festival of Literature: year’s poll produced perhaps the most Poetry Society in Geldof’s poll to the work carried out by National Poetry www.theword.org.uk publicity of all, with Griff Rhys Jones association with discover the Day behind the scenes. Last year’s poll For details on Arthur Miller and the inviting the British public to vote for BT. This year’s nation’s favourite of song lyrics was one way of convinc- Nation’s Top Ten Favourite Words. their favourite song lyric. The winner judges are: word. The winner ing the British public that there was was John Lennon’s solo 1971 hit, Lavinia Greenlaw, was serendipity, more to poetry than Shakespearean The Twelfth International Imagine. reader at the although fuck, sonnets; but far more effective are the Aldeburgh Poetry Festival: This year’s National Poetry Day – South Bank bollocks, Jesus many events now taking place in www.liveliterature.net which took place on Thursday 5 Centre; Ian and money all Britain’s schools and towns. Inner-city Or e-mail the Festival Director, at October – initially seemed somewhat McMillan, poet in scored highly. And poetry workshops rarely hit the head- [email protected] tame by comparison. Its biggest event residence at more is still to lines, but it’s thanks to them that hun- appears to owe more to Jamie Oliver Barnsley Football come – on dreds of children and adults can enjoy NP than T S Eliot. Over the course of the Club; and Don Thursday 12 contemporary poetry. Plumbing the The ScienceWorld radio show

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www.mckinsey.co.uk Inside Tracey’s Controversial artist Tracey Emin put down her brush to bed speak with Mark Lobel

blank stare. The interview is Heavy drinking plagued her life. A over, but Tracey Emin’s disbelief smashed face from falling over at a party A is not. Her eyes fix on mine. last year, and then finding herself on a drip “What fucking planet are you from?” she in January are her worst memories. She gapes. I had simply asked for her number, also wandered away drunk from a televi- in case I had any further questions. sion discussion about the Turner Prize, under the impression she was at a friend’s house. It got to the stage where her lover – and also her doctor – threatened to desert her if the drinking did not stop. It did. She now focuses all her efforts around shaping her amazing success. The next exhibit I was led to was ‘The Last Thing I Said To You Is Don’t Leave Me Here’, a hut, a real hut, transported from Whitstable beach. The hut has a long far left: Can I put my clothes back on story to tell, beginning with when it was please, Mark? top: ‘I’ve Got It All’ col- used by Emin and her then boyfriend. “I umn: details from ‘The Last Thing I Said To was completely broke and it was really bril- You Is Don’t Leave Me Here’ and ‘My Bed’. liant, having your own property by the sea.” This was Emin’s first taste of being ‘a All pictures courtesy of the Saatchi Gallery. woman of property’ and she adored the feeling. It, like many of the other exhibits One of her prints ‘I’ve Got It All’ on show here, derives its resonance from shows the artist sitting on the ground the part it played in Emin’s life. Saatchi, alone, with her dress pulled up to her The brit-art brat is renowned for her who met with the artist personally before waist, covered in foreign coins and dollar fiery relationship with the media. She she finally sold him her much sought after bills. The coins are scattered between her assured me that “the press ALWAYS get possessions, must have been very taken by legs as if having flowed out post-orgasm. It things wrong”. But after discussing several her. She is certainly a powerful character. represents the ecstasy someone “complete- pieces of her work with her, as we strolled “Lots of people say, ‘this isn’t art – it’s a ly broke for ages and really desperate through Ant Noises 2 at the Saatchi Gallery beach hut’. But they didn’t make it, they whose libido has gone down” feels when in London, I began to feel that things didn’t say it was art. So it’s not up to them suddenly receiving lots of cash. “There’s weren’t really so simple. to decide that. It’s up to me. I’m telling also something quite fucking sad about it,” We began our tour looking at the you it’s art ‘cause I say it’s art.” Emin says, looking back to the portrait of Turner-nominated cum-stained ‘bed’ – lit- Photographs of the artist crouching herself, “I mean, money isn’t everything. tered with her fags, condoms and traces of nude in the corner of the hut accompany It’s about freedom. Money can’t buy you the morning-after pill – that cost Charles the piece. The pictures are certainly more happiness or health. Although, if I am seri- Saatchi £150,000. ‘My Bed’ is the recre- aesthetic than an earlier piece of her work ously ill I’d much rather have money than ation of five days of deep depression for ‘Everyone I Have Ever Slept With not. And if I am unhappy, at least money Emin during which she did not move from 1963–95’, a tent with the names of her gives me the options and choices to change it. She claims it’s authentic, though various former lovers and bedmates (she included my life, which a lot of people don’t have.” critics have scorned the idea, and Emin her aborted babies) sewn into the roof. I managed one final major faux pas. As certainly admits that several things have The presence of the photographs resting we approached ‘I Think It Must Have been removed. “I just decided that if it was on the floor in the gallery seem only to surrounded by tons of stuff, it would just represent an attempt to legitimize the pres- “Money isn’t everything. look like some kind of deranged nest.” The ence of a worn out beach hut. Although bed had also been reconstructed several she does look pretty good. “It’s not about It’s about freedom. times, on its travels between Japan, New me looking good. I don’t look good, actu- York and the Tate, before Saatchi snatched ally. I’ve got a saggy tummy and bony Money can’t buy you it up. The different reactions from its glob- ribs.” I questioned the purpose of the happiness or health. Society | Autism al public have been interesting. Apparently prints. “The hut is a bare and naked thing. the Japanese were “appalled I thought it made perfect Although, if I am serious- by my slippers”. Emin herself “It’s not up to sense if I was. It’s also got says she looks and thinks some kind of weird, religious ly ill I’d much rather have “Wow! It’s really sweet – them to look in it, like I’m praying or money as well.” touching and inoffensive”. decide. It’s up something.” An art critic I overheard in With her fame came a Been Fear’ I suggested it resembled a the gallery concluded rather to me. I’m financial boost. I asked child’s quilt. “No it couldn’t actually,” she differently, claiming he whether the money from exploded, blasting my head off, “Do you “would rather buy one from telling you it’s ‘My Bed’ changed her life in think those swastikas and that cunt can be IKEA.” any way. “You don’t under- described as childish?” The blanket-based Labelled, by a journalist art ‘cause I say stand. I have been earning a piece represents a traumatic school ski trip who met her recently, as it’s art” lot of money for a long to Austria in 1974. Her writing, spread Science | Foxing the Fraudsters “Britain’s most confessional time,” she said. But across it, details the misery of the expedi- artist”, a concern with Emin’s life and £150,000 for a bed? “I wasn’t going to part tion’s last days. She continued her experiences is key to the appreciation of with the bed for any less anyway, so it onslaught. “You’re not looking at it prop- her exhibit. And the story of the 37 years doesn’t really matter. For me it was a very erly. I’m not defending it. Actually, I’ve got of her life is quite astounding. Emin has good piece of art to keep. Every artist to defend it because it’s mine and I made said she “got broke in to” at the age of 13 should keep back a part of their own it.” I apologised and she described the in Margate. This has been interpreted as work.” meaning behind it, and perhaps gave an rape. The following six months of her life Could this be a sudden show of mod- insight into the philosophy of ‘Britain’s were total misery. But she endured far esty, that sentimental values can some- most confessional artist’. “It’s about people worse times watching her mother on a life- times override base economics? I spoke too trying to fuck you over really badly. And support machine suffering from a burst soon. “No, you don’t understand about about being indecisive, not doing anything appendix. Eight years ago Emin had an commerce at all in art. You have no idea about it and it’s about being afraid. The abortion, for the second time. Between the whatsoever what I am saying. It is more cruelty of the world is for the people that Tech | U.G.L.Y.you ain’t got no alibi two she destroyed all the art she had ever valuable for me to keep my art than it is to are afraid. For the people that don’t stand produced. sell it.” up.” Get a FIRST in Strategy Consulting.

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or contact us at [email protected] A new world. A new way. or on 020 7896 1440. societysociety varsityfocus | 061000 In a world of his own Forget ballroom dancing, do something interesting when you’re not in the library. Katie Holmes elucidates

Determined to spend as much time as I was to discover what a fascinating dis- someone you’re not and, as for the idea of parents were developing. They had made good use. And judging by the success we possible away from the SPS library, I ability autism is. Although first identified using a banana as a telephone, sorry, but the brave decision to take Aidan out of had at teaching to ride his bike we could began my second year desperately in 1943, autism still has a certain air of who’s the one with the disability? school and set up a full time Lovaas pro- be on track for another Olympic gold! searching the pages of Varsity looking mystery. As children with autism do not Children with autism also lack the gramme at home. This meant establish- for alternative activities. Hidden among look any different on the outside, people ability to put themselves in someone ing links with the Centre for Autism and Find out more about autism at the the adverts for dodgy night-clubs and have been slow to recognise the symp- else’s place. They assume that everyone Related Disorders in America for help National Autistic Society’s webpage at special offers at Peppercorns was a toms and get information about the dis- thinks as they do, leading to misunder- and getting a team of therapists led by www.oneworld.org/autism_uk, and maybe notice looking for students interested in order to the general public. However, it is standings and frustration for those who Soo, an amazingly energetic and inspir- looking through some of the personal becoming therapists for a young autistic estimated that autism affects over try to interact. So eventually people give ing team leader who came over from the accounts of people with autism will encour- boy. Admittedly at that time my knowl- 500,000 families throughout the UK. up and the child shrinks further into States every three months to suggest new age you to do something a bit different with edge of autism was limited to a rather Autism is a lifelong developmental their own world making it even more dif- activities and help us to bring the best out your time at university. hazy recollection of Dustin Hoffman in disability that predominantly affects the ficult to be reached. of Aidan. Rainman but the advert said no experi- way a person relates to the people around The aim of all therapies for autism is The process was certainly helped by If you are interested in getting involved with ence necessary so I applied. them. Freshers’ week is tough enough as to stop this process and to make sure the the fact that Aidan is adorable. the team contact Ann Evans at Over the course of the next two years it is but imagine what a nightmare uni- child has the skills needed for living in Communication problems seem to dis- [email protected]. versity life would be if even the simplest the same world as the rest of us. This may appear when he asks for a hug or curls up social skills eluded you, partly due to the mean helping with language and play or next to you on the sofa for his favourite lack of the necessary language but main- practising tying laces quickly so they Thomas the Tank Engine story. That’s ly due to the lack of understanding of don’t miss out on a game of chase. As the not to say that the programme doesn’t how social interaction works. exact causes of autism are still unknown, involve a lot of hard work, both for Aidan Although that description may seem there are a range of possible treatment and the therapists. Each session is about scarily similar to the person living next plans and therapeutic approaches. As three hours long and requires a lot of door to you, it’s more than likely that with all children, each child with autism focus, patience, persistence and imagina- they are just shy. For people with autism is unique, not all have the same problems tion. It involves a large number of tasks the world just doesn’t make sense so they and therefore it is important to choose which Aidan must show he can com- retreat into a world of their own, leading the treatment program most suitable for plete, not only once but time and time to some of their more well known char- each child. again to prove he really understands. acteristics like talking incoherently com- The Lovaas Method is a behavioural These involve traditional activities such bined with repetitive habits and obses- intervention programme developed at as reading and writing, but also tasks to sions. UCLA (www.lovaas.com); and is the help him understand the world around Their world tends to be one of facts, result of 35 years of scientific research him – creative play, learning the names where everything is either black or white. and clinical experience. Rather than plac- and functions of objects and people he There are no grey areas and so their ing the child in a ‘Special School’, the encounters and trying to help him under- appreciation of the complexity of human programme is based in the home and stand emotions and feelings. interaction is limited. Many children aims to improve the child’s chances of Aidan is now ready to attend school with autism also lack imagination, mak- making use of opportunities school pres- a couple of days a week and he is loving ing spontaneous play impossible. How ents only when they are ready to attend. it. He relishes the opportunity to be sur- can you play doctors and nurses if you Aidan was five when I became rounded by other children and it is great can’t understand the concept of being involved with the programme that his to see all our hard work being put to such Reggie Kray – An Obituary In Toxic 8 Cockney boy Tim Gibbs pays tribute to his heroes Roy Pang isn’t fooled by appearances

Tony is a big man. A VERY big man. And that was that. Not much input “Ever since I can remember, I always ly tangy dressing. On the whole it was Wide shoulders, neat appearance, mas- on my part, despite me trying to look wanted to be a gangster.” Is it that the good, although neither particularly excit- sive hands and a cold hard gaze. But more together than I have ever been in Krays and gangsters in general represent ing, nor especially coarse. don’t forget the hands. You used to be my life. He must have had that conver- our darker side, the side of us which For our main courses, I plumped for able to tell a man’s profession from his sation hundreds of times, with people needs to be noticed and feared, the side the “award-winning” confit of duck, and hands – the roughness or smoothness who had grown up with the Kray myth which wants to achieve our every desire my companion chose the Cajun chicken. being an indicator of class and wealth. without ever having any contact with regardless of consequences to others or A few minutes later, however, our waiter Everything, just in the hands. So what them at all. The Firm, the twins, hon- ourselves? Like modern emperors, these rather sheepishly approached us and about Tony? Well, Tony’s different, our amongst thieves, Georgie Cornell, men achieve wealth, power, status and informed us that the chef could not “catch you see, because Tony is a gangster. The Blind Beggar, The East End. Today deification. Who wouldn’t want to be a the duck” – well, at least he had a sense of Tony, or more precisely Tony they are the stuff of movies by rich mid- gangster? Well, funnily enough, Reggie. humour. Instead I went for the safer Lambrianou, was a Kray enforcer who Before he died, he wanted to be option of steak and kidney pie with puff famously disposed of Jack “The Hat” “You’re a good remembered as an artist and philoso- pastry (surely their cows wouldn’t be so McVitie’s body by locking it in a car pher, the numerous poems by him agile). The main courses arrived promptly boot and having the whole thing which are now circulating the newspa- and were, as usual, very attractively pre- crushed into a small metal cube. lad…just say my pers offer an indication of the change in Having heard so much about the latest sented. The pie came piping hot, and was Despite his age, he is an imposing figure his mood. Unfortunately, his death, club in town, Toxic 8, it was slightly sur- mouth-wateringly delicious. The strength as he makes his way round the club in name at the bar, get only 35 days after his release, stops such prising to learn that it also came fully and flavour of the sauce complimented Shoreditch, East London, shaking aspects of his character from being equipped with a modern and profession- our rather large bowl of chips perfectly. hands with equally rough looking peo- yourself a drink.” understood, scoffed at or noticed. Only al dining area (perhaps not something Still, it wasn’t perfect either; the pastry was ple and being chatted up by those eager the legend will remain, cyclically one would have associated with Cindy’s). hardly ‘puff’, I failed to find a single to have a slice of the Kray legend. Of dle class “mockneys” like Guy Ritchie returning to new generations enam- ‘Dining area’ is really the best description mushroom in it and the sauce became a course, this is too good an opportunity and documentaries and books which oured with the existence of a British for it, since neither my companion nor I little too thick as the dish cooled. The to miss. have earned the Krays and their associ- Mafia, a mirror to society and ourselves could really decide on whether it could be Cajun chicken was suitably spicy, ates more than all their illegal ventures which presents a way of living and act- classified as either a restaurant or a bar. although not quite as sophisticated as the “Excuse me, are you Tony ever could. But it is the myth, this leg- ing that looks similar but is somehow On the one hand, it has a bright, ‘Bar description suggested. Lambrianou?” end that has kept the Krays behind bars not quite right, backward and illegible. Coast-esque’, almost canteen look to it, For dessert, we went for the chocolate “That’s right son.” until their deaths. The argument often By stepping through the looking glass, but on the other hand, it serves a mature fudge cake with vanilla ice cream. The “Yeah, well I just wanted to say hello, I goes, how could paedophiles, rapists the Krays offered an alternative to soci- and ambitious menu that most restau- cake was lovely and moist, and went very mean, I think, you know, with Reggie and granny bashers go free after a cou- ety, a new code of justice, punishment rants would not even dare try. well with the ice cream which (we were and that, I mean, how’s it all going?” ple of years, but good old Ron and Reg, and reward operating on survival of the We were definitely impressed by the informed) came from a local farm and was “Keep watching the papers son, there’s who only dealt with their own kind, fittest and the most dangerous. They depth and variety of the menu. For therefore “especially creamy”. going to be something happening spend “life” in prison? My meeting with had to be punished for daring to offer starters, I could not resist the king prawns Overall, service was swift and polite soon.” the myth cleared that up for me. The an alternative based on a new set of per- on skewers, which were described as and the bar had a wonderful, oceanic feel “Right right.” power and image that this man had, sonal codes and beliefs. The effect of “grilled to perfection”. They were beauti- to it once the main lights were switched “You alright? No bother?” and the effect of his presence on all con- the myth on all levels of society shows fully presented, but I couldn’t help feeling off. On the other hand, the menu was per- “No, none at all.” cerned is much more dangerous and how close we all are to stepping through somewhat deceived; they were under- haps a little over-ambitious for such a bar “You need anything in here let me intoxicating than the threat of any vio- and rewriting the rules, and how socie- cooked and didn’t really look like king setting. Very often the food, whilst decent, know, you’re a good lad, I appreciate lence. ty must impose its power on such prawns. My companion opted for the flattered to deceive. In many ways this you coming up to me. Just say my name I am reminded of Henry Hill in desires, or crumble under the often homemade coarse chicken liver pâte, restaurant had a Steve McManaman feel at the bar, get yourself a drink.” Goodfellas, another fantastic example overwhelming temptation to act like a which was also nicely presented, accompa- to it: expensive, promising, and not with- “Cheers, thanks.” of gangster folklore, when he states; god. nied by an impressive garnish with a love- out flair, but never quite delivering. varsityfocus | 061000 science and tech How to avoid online fraud

rithm’ (Rivett, Shamir, Aldeman), two Lire, he says. More than your country Elvezio Montesarchio is the Director of Quality and Security for keys are generated, of which one is the has spent on this, he adds. “So you have ‘private key’ and the other is the ‘public spent billions of Lire on the process of Seceti, the body that regulates Italy’s Popular banks. Rend Shakir key.’ What is encrypted with the ‘pri- creating an uncrackable key when all vate’ key can only be decrypted using that you need is a four figure code to goes to Milan to meet the man. the ‘public’ key, and vice versa. activate it? A gibbon could crack a four Furthermore, if the keys are long figure code.” He does not understand enough (we commonly here use keys what a gibbon is but he does catch my Elvezio Montesarchio is a charming “Technical practicality is the most repudiation’ means that in this case nei- around the size of 1024 bytes) it is prac- drift. “It would simply be impossible” man. Beautiful apartment. Precisely important issue for banks. Crimes can ther party can claim to have been tically impossible to work the value of he notes, as the key is written into the my taste. Expensive. I hardly notice as only occur if there are vulnerabilities in involved as the unique possible sender one key out using the value of the other. chips of the computer. Which means my jacket is removed. I like that, but it the system and can only be avoided for or receiver). The holder of the asymmetric keys asks you can only send such messages from worries me a little. It is too smooth. certain if these vulnerabilities are fixed.” He stops for a moment, giving me one computer? “Please, have a seat,” he motions me The banks are not prepared to wait for some time to take this in. “So that was “So…all you need is “Well, we are still working on inter- over to a chair, making sure that I am social reform, that point is clear. an example of where the subject is not operability.” I just had to laugh. comfortable before proceeding to offer Elvezio clears his throat. He is obvi- the subject. Now for where the data are a four figure code? A “Although we have recently developed a me a drink. His manners are immacu- ously fluent. “There are two main not the data.” Fraud may occur where system involving a security card that late. Stylish and attractive, I am begin- routes for fraud on the Internet. The there is a lack of security in end-to-end gibbon could crack a can activate the key from a different ning to wonder why he has not got a first concerns the transfer of data from data integrity. In this case, the received location.” Wouldn’t that put us back in wife. But I am not here to meet one location to another. The second message may not match the message four figure code.” the situation where all we have is a pass- Montesarchio the bachelor. I am here concerns the open nature of the sent. “Only one bit of alteration would code and a card? And don’t we all write to meet the man in charge of directing Internet. The two main questions for be enough to cause an integrity viola- our PIN numbers down anyway? He and organising, decision making and the banks are, ‘is the subject really the tion” he emphasises. Data fraud may a specialised body, operating as a ‘certi- assures me that it is only stupid people planning, all aspects of quality and subject?’ And ‘are the data really the also occur due to a lack of security in fication authority’ to issue and publish who write their PIN numbers down. I security for Italy’s banks. Seceti is the data?’ These are potentially the two data confidentiality. “This may be the in a directory the virtual certificate of ask him to name a security system that organisation that regulates the Central sources of fraudulent threat. The next result of data being conveyed without his public key, an equation in the form had ever failed due to overestimating Institute of Italian Popular Banks. question is how the data or subject may an encrypting function or the result of of ‘Mr Smith = his public key.’ Nobody the stupidity of people. He smiles, “you Seceti. Say it gently and it sounds sexy. be practically altered in order to benefit encrypting keys not being used effi- else can be associated with, or share the win on that one.” I want to understand more about the imposter? And how could such an ciently.” In this case, ‘efficiency’ refers same key. Leaning forwards he gently softens online security. I want to know about alteration be avoided?” to the effective splitting of encrypting Elvezio leans back smugly, pleased his eyes. An expert, indeed. I will not the best systems and how they work, He continues, calmly. “In the bank- keys into smaller components managed with his solution. He goes on to explain fall for it. “Your timing was perfect,” he and my first stop is this man in Milan ing context – online banking, remote by different security officers. that the key is very long, and almost says. “Next weekend I am in Venice. whose mission it is to design an imple- banking, or home banking, the subjects “What kind of security system impossible to crack. “That sounds very Last weekend, Vienna.” How is Vienna? mentation of Italy’s interbank networks involved are the bank’s customer, and would be able to avoid these types of difficult to remember”, I reply, “who “Beautiful. As always.” As always. It has and central applications. You don’t even the bank’s web server application. The problem we’ve described, specifically on types the key in?” The key isn’t typed in been a while since I have been. I must have to say that gently. In terms of data involved are the personal and the Internet?” He wasn’t expecting an at all, instead a piece of software is used think of a reason to visit again. Perhaps social credibility, he’s a close second to financial data of the customer.” answer. “The Internet allows subjects to to activate the key by entering a pass- someone to interview. “Elvezio,” I try Bond. Elvezio, can you explain it all to interact with each other without a prior code. “So effectively, the key is the pass- to maintain a cool professionalism. a blonde? “Elvezio, can you knowledge and verification of their code? Was there any need to pay “How kind of you to spare He begins calmly, gently, and slow- physical existence, consistency, dimen- tens of thousands of Lire to so much of your time ly to explain. Globally, two percent of explain it all to a sion, obicazione.” Obicazione? He does- the mathematicians that explaining all this credit card transactions involve deceit n’t know the word in English but I do came up with all of those to me.” “Of of some kind. And, he adds, fifty per- blonde?” catch his drift. impressive algorithms?” course,” he cent of those two percent take place on “While closed networks work on He reminds me that replies, the Internet. He pauses rather a long the basis of bilateral agreements about tens of thousands of with an time to allow me to absorb the infor- Fraud may occur where there is a security procedures between each cou- Lire would hardly be inappro- mation. How do we avoid such duplic- lack of security about the subject’s iden- ple of members, open networks ideally enough to buy each priate ity? In order for fraud to take place in tity. For example, the customer might require an alternative practice.” mathematician an smile, the first place there must be some kind incorrectly believe him/herself to be in In closed networks, bilateral agree- ice cream. “Ok “my of data misrepresentation or alteration. contact with the bank’s server applica- ments between users make the overall then, millions apartment Otherwise, by definition, the facts are tion, or the bank may wrongly believe geometry of interrelationships ‘sym- of Lire.” is much being accurately presented and there is itself to be accessed by the registered metric’– to ensure data confidentiality Billions of improved no fraud. So we must consider which user. In both these examples the matter partners may exchange a key, referred already. facts, when misrepresented would ben- constitutes an ‘authentification prob- to as a ‘transport key.’ This key is used Perhaps you efit the fraudster? Combining this with lem’ (where ‘authentification’ refers to by both the sender to encrypt and the would like to which scams are technically practical the ability to check in advance the iden- receiver to decrypt. stay?” It’s considerate, would give an idea of the types of tity of the counterpart) as well as a On the other hand, an open but I must go back to deception likely to take place. ‘non-repudiation problem’ (where ‘non- system requires the ‘asymmetric’ Cambridge to write geometry of the ‘Public Key up this article Infrastructure’ (PKI). Here, for Varsity. using a mathematical func- WAP’s up Doc? tion called an ‘RSA algo-

That’s it. I’ve had it with my mobile Von Hagens’ controversial exhi- phone. Assuming that I am not bition of plastic people presented in alone, please send me your e-mails Science and Tech last week pro- and letters. This means war. I can- voked powerful responses from the not get a connection at 4pm, sitting religious. This week Tony in All Bar One. Can you guess Richmond sets out his strong objec- which network? Your nominations tions to religious interference. are invited to select the worst in If you would like to contribute a Cambridge, and why not write in to story or article, or simply to discuss let me know if you are not happy your views about the section and with your mobile’s customer service? what you would like to see covered, As an extension of me covering please come to a section meeting on online fraud I’d like to call for hack- Mondays at 6pm in the Varsity ers’ contributions. What can you offices. do? What software do you need? Let Rend Shakir me know. All entries, where request- ed, will be dealt with anonymously. Finally, I’d love to here about Press: Please send gadgets, mobile your Internet romance stories. Have phones or accessories, website you ever met anyone online before addresses, software etc., details or meeting him or her in real life? samples to: Have you ever put an advert or pic- [email protected] ture on the Net? What were the Varsity, replies like? I’d like to do a special 2nd Floor feature on Internet dating, includ- 11-12 Trumpington St, ing adverts and their replies. Cambridge, CB2 1QA. science and tech varsityfocus | 061000 The Rogues’ Gallery Religion on trial Tony Richmond discusses the role religion has to play in modern science. Historically, science has had to contend development of the universe. The cre- popularity. The rising, with a certain amount of anti-scientific ationist position is that the earth is sever- irrational creationist sentiment, particularly from the world’s al thousand years in age, and no more. movement in the States organised religions. Academics pursuing But the fossil record is replete with fossils in recent years has the ‘objective’ scientific method have in that are millions of years old. attracted a great many the past been oppressed and branded as Comparative genetic studies place our followers. Several states sacrilegious by the Church, which has common ancestor with chimpanzees at in the so-called ‘Bible frequently had something to fear from around seven million years ago (see The Belt’ require both evolu- the advances the scientific disciplines Rise and Fall of the Third Chimpanzee, by tion and creationism to have made. Indeed, science and religion Jared Diamond). According to Richard be taught as theories have had an extensive history of mutual Dawkins, Charles Simonyi Professor for with equal validity. antagonism. The Renaissance period is the Public Understanding of Science at There is, however, some famous for the number of scientists evidence of a reaction to burnt at the stake or made accountable the most extreme anti- in other ruthless ways to the Catholic The role of the science position, as Church for openly supporting so-called taken by Kansas, for heretical and sacrilegious theories. The Christian God example. There, mem- Inquisition was not known for its toler- bers of the school board ance to and acceptance of new scientific seems to have been who changed the policy discoveries. in favour of creationism Charles Darwin`s theory of evolu- falling further and have lost their seats, fol- tion, as introduced to the Linnaean further…in the day lowing the state being Society in 1858 and published in the lampooned nationally renowned Origin of Species raised reli- to day running of the for its backward stance. gious hackles and, in some circles, con- Meanwhile, in tinues to do so. As evolution has gained universe. Britain, the Catholic the status of fact in biological science, to Church recently aired reject its validity would imply an igno- its moral qualms on the rance of the facts; an irrational narrow- use of embryonic tissue for research and Their position is more relativist, and not mindedness in outlook. The role of the the University of Oxford, belief in the transplantation. The House of based on moral absolutes. I hate to sound Christian God seems to have been falling fundamentalist creationist concept “flies Commons are to have a free vote over the parochial, but I think this liberal religious further and further, to one of almost in the face of physics (numerous mutual- cloning of embryos under 14 days old. attitude is far preferable to unflinching complete insignificance, in the day to day ly corroborating dating methods), geolo- Cardinal Thomas Winning, Chairman of acceptance of doctrine, particularly in a running of the universe. gy, astronomy, archaeology, den- the Joint Committee on Bioethical society where moral and ethical judge- Indeed, no Christian can nowadays drochronology, as well as massive evi- Issues, in his letter (8/8/00) to the Chief ments can be more grey than simply proclaim that the Bible is literally true dence from all branches of biology” (per- Medical Officer at the Department of black or white. without leaving themselves open to well sonal commentss, 25/5/00). Health, concluded, “Respect for inno- The academic discipline that deals founded attack from scientists. In the Whilst it is important to note that cent human life, at every stage, is not with how we should use scientific discov- light of what science has objectively such religious fundamentalism is not rep- negotiable.” His dogmatic argument is eries is moral philosophy or applied found to be true, creationism is a patent- resentative of the views of all Christians, based on the belief that the Bible is abso- ethics. This is the realm we are entering ly false explanation for the origin and there is evidence for a resurgence of its lutist in its stance on such moral issues as when we talk about what science should the sanctity of human life, at any stage. or should not be allowed to do. The most Accordingly, he says, “Even if spare part significant document on embryo Ugly is as ugly does cloning of humans were the only way of research written in this country is the getting stem cells for use in transplanta- ‘Report of the Committee of Inquiry tion, it would not be justifiable.” into Human Fertilisation and Uglypeople.com means instant for- the staff. However, human life is arguably not Embryology’, by Dame Mary (now tune, not making money, but feeling “You realize that the majority of an absolute. Its development is in fact on Baroness) Warnock. The committee was good about yourself. Eat your heart your ugly ladies are fat? Is it fat that a continuum. Whilst for an orthodox set up in 1982 and the Inquiry came out out, Vanessa Feltz. There are models on makes them ugly? Or is it trying to Catholic, Jew or Muslim life starts at the in favour of embryonic research subject this site who certainly won’t make you compete with all the beautiful people? moment of conception, it is in practise to a number of restrictions, and the feel pressured to avoid the next cream Posing, scantily clad, flashing difficult to see what special feature goes recent debate has been held within a cli- bun. You are instantly thin. This kind provocative smiles. Are they (we) hand in hand with conception. At this mate set by the Inquiry. Many members of weight loss has only two analogies being punished for trying to express a stage the fertilised egg is only a potential of the British Medical Association ethics known to me. One is arrival on the sexuality that is deemed accessible life. Most fertilised eggs do not develop board are not doctors at all, but philoso- moon, where you can immediately only to those whose faces and bodies into full-term babies in the mother`s phers of ethics. Science does not have a drop to one-sixth of your previous conform to current ideals of beauty? womb because something goes wrong say on morality, and science cannot weight. A good result on the scales if Don’t you think it’s hard enough for beforehand. I would argue that some therefore answer everything. But the you can stand on them long enough any of us to maintain a certain self- other criterion is required to distinguish point is there is still a rational discipline but if you look in a mirror you’re back esteem without the schoolyard antics when the human foetus is alive; perhaps divorced from religion that does have a to square one. More satisfying is anal- of a bunch of bored and hostile in the sense of the foetus being con- say on morality. ogy number two, arrival in the United cranks? scious, or feeling pain. Surely, when there The question is, is it dissatisfying to States, where you discover that you lie “Are there no thinking people at is some brain activity or a nearly com- just lie back and accept the red tape that perfectly between two body shapes: your website? Can you imagine, for a pletely functioning nervous system is many religions, and some non-theists, matchstick and elephant. That makes minute, how hurtful this could be? I active, this would be a more suitable arbi- would like to wrap around scientific you just right. You are perfect. am no political apologist, I’m as criti- trary time to say “life has begun”. Lee enquiry? For me, this is to spoil the nat- Beautiful. Complete. Regardless of cal as the next neurotic, but I have the Silver, a Princeton University biologist, ural awe and wonder of science. If a reli- who you are, I can almost guarantee sense to realize that no good can come argues in Remaking Eden that what hap- gion professes to consist of the “truth” or that you will find something uglier on from this. Give it a rest, guys. Ugly is pens in the womb is a continuum, lack- “ultimate truths”, then it has nothing to this site. as ugly does. Sally.” ing any clear jump from cell cluster to fear from science. Science would If you think that uglypeople.com “Yes, there are thinking people at sanctity. “There are no isolated moments inevitably come to the same conclusions. isn’t bad enough check out this web site. We just happen along the way where you can point at an For example, if true, it would affirm peo- mingers.com. With both there to think that big fat nasty embryo or foetus and say that it is sub- ple`s faith in a theistic cosmology, or in is the possibility of rating women are ugly. stantially different from the way it was a the scope for divine intervention in the and submitting entrants. “If you feel the need few minutes or even hours earlier.” daily running of the universe. If false, the Maybe you have to express your sexuality, Whatever literalist religionists might religious viewpoint should ideally change someone in mind? please do so in the pri- say, it is not disputed that stem cell or admit defeat. Cruel? Perhaps. The sites vacy of your own home. If research could provide massive benefits In Will Hutton`s view, “the free vote do have their critics. you really need to take pic- for humanity. By harvesting stem cells for in the House of Commons will be They are accused, by people tures, please send them research and transplantation from won…for the same reason that the bat- with little more to do than be to uglypeople.com” embryos medicine is likely to make mas- tles over the pill, abortion, in vitro fertil- offended, of being cruel and sive advances in slowing and even revers- isation, the human genome and all the unkind. What do these peo- Funny? Freaky? Or ing degenerative cellular disorders such as rest have been won”. Historically, the ple expect when they visit foul? You decide. Just Parkinson`s disease, Alzheimer`s disease Church would have had the last word on “uglypeople.com” or don’t let anybody and cancer. what science could do. But now, a neu- “mingers.com”? Here’s a let- hear you laughing. My own opinion, partly based on tral ethical and moral framework can be ter sent in by a mortally observation, is that religious liberals often devised, free from complete theistic All photos courtesy of: offended complainer, Rend Shakir have more valid arguments to contribute influence and consequently religious www.uglypeople.com along with a reply from to a discussion of what science should or objections are not always, despite their should not be allowed to investigate. good intentions, acted upon. Come Write For

Squash Ba Ha!Ha! Opposite Trinity 1-4 pm | 6 October Varsity 6 October 2000 Sport 21 Imperial leathering

Blues eclipse Imperial Photos:Tom Catchesides

both sides, many unfortunately during Cambridge’s increasingly sophisti- Rugby exciting and promising back-line cated lineout combinations generated moves. Both referees (Andy Canning a plethora of quality ball, which was 42 Cambridge of East Midlands retired injured in the typically put to good use, particularly Innes lifted to victory 33 Imperial Medics, London fiftieth minute, to be replaced by a when delivered going forward. A great touch judge) were quick to punish any piece of momentum play was started Moffat powering his way to two tries; Cambridge Team (from 1): Fraser Whineray offensive screen behaviour (aka subtle by number 8 Angus Innes (1999 Blues one, impressively, from the half-way M Tweedie (sub A Mitchell 43m), C shepherding), as typified by the captain) from the back of a scrum in line as the Medics failed to kick the Derksen, R Bosch (sub J ‘Gas Man’ A spirited and often organised Australian Wallabies side throughout the twenty fourth minute. Although ball clear. Replacement winger Gary Meredith 43m), M Purdey, E Mallett, Imperial Medics XV proved signifi- this year’s tri-nations tournament. the eventual midfield mall was col- Paulin bagged a hat-trick of tries for C Davies, G Bennett, A Innes* (cap- cant competition for the Cambridge At this early stage of the season, lapsed by the Medics, the subsequent Cambridge. All were scored in the tain), R Humes (sub M Chattersmith rugby side on Wednesday evening at where changes to combinations and penalty was converted by Pete Dunn. final 22 minutes through deceptive 28m), P Dunn, O Ruttley (sub 49m Grange Road. The Medics’ back row injuries are frequent, the side resem- Just before half time the Cambridge and deft combination running along G Paulin*), M Rivero, D Donaldson, attacked with flair on occasion, cross- bled an untuned 357 Chevrolet – mis- forwards, numbering just six (as a the back line. Replacement halfback M McSweeny, S Moffat (* denotes ing the Light Blue line four times. The firing and bumpy yet, on occasion, result of two sin bins) produced a Mark Chattersmith sneaked the other blue) outcome of the game, however, was exploding into life. The squad has splendid drive from an attacking line- five-pointer for Cambridge from a 22 rarely in doubt as Cambridge’s latent been training extremely hard since out throw to Ed Mallett from which yard penalty tap. talent led them to a nine point victo- grouping for the Ireland pre-season Pete Dunn slotted a drop goal to push Cambridge Point Scorers: Tries: ry. tour in early September. This effort Cambridge ahead 18–14. The next game at Grange Road is on Paulin (3), Moffat (2), Chattersmith Despite the perfect conditions, a will undoubtedly pay dividends lead- Other performances of note includ- Wednesday 25 October at 7:15pm Penalties: Dunn (1), Conversions: number of handling errors frustrated ing up to the Varsity Match. ed one hundred kilogram fullback Stu against Wasps. Dunn (3), Drop Goals: Dunn (1) Barcelona 2000

Hockey doubtless helped on their way by the ran out of time, leaving them the unfor- tory, as both Rebecca Ridgway and tion and both umpires, finding it hard to melodic alcohol-induced support which tunate losers, 2–1. Ashley MacDonald’s shots satisfyingly contain their frustration on the pitch. Hannah Dent,Verity King the girls gave them. Thierry Gruslin was The last matches were against Athletic found the back of the goal, leading them They managed to maintain their con- almost certainly buoyed up by the noise; Terrassa, another club which boasted to glory 2–1. centration to hold onto a draw, but this Barcelona was taken by storm only a few providing the highlight of the game for facilities which would arouse the envy of Disappointingly the men were not able proved most unsatisfying since most of weeks ago, as 30 University hockey play- the vocal supporters. After calmly col- any Cambridge sportsman. Finally the to continue in the winning vein. They the team had graduated and were aiming ers left for a fortnight’s hockey and sun lecting the ball on the halfway line, and girls were rewarded with a deserved vic- battled against a terribly physical opposi- to bow out with style. in the Catalonian capital. The Blues’ first coolly outsmarting six players on his way training session happened to coincide to the D, he neatly slotted the ball past with the first time that most players had the keeper. picked up a stick that summer, but with Spirits were not dampened by the a combination of natural skill and injuries which seemed to hamper the unstoppable enthusiasm, the dormant Blues, as they demonstrated their wide talent was soon revived. Well oiled by the variety of sporting skill and commitment midday sun, the women had to prepare in ‘Beach Olympics’. In fact these antics for their first game against Olympia. made hockey seem a tame, safe sport, as Playing in an unfamiliar formation, due women’s captain Verity King retired, to the combination of teams taken on with Elly Pickford, hurt by their efforts tour, Olympia proved hard work. They on the sands. were well-drilled and used to the condi- CD Terrassa, last season’s national tions, defeating the Light Blues 3–0. champions, provided the next opposi- Three days later, the men tackled tion This women’s team were truly awe- Olympia, whose team would probably some, demonstrating skills not witnessed have even lost to their women. The Blues in English domestic leagues. The 4-0 notched up an impressive 7 goals, but score-line reflected some fantastic defen- were slightly disappointed not to score sive play by Cambridge, who rose to the more, as, in the dying seconds of the occasion, undoubtedly giving the best match, goalkeeper Paddy Aldridge, com- performance of the tour. Indeed the ing up the pitch for an attacking short intensity of the match added to the corner, narrowly missed scoring from a injuries already obtained on the beach, as deflection. As it was, he did not touch three more succumbed. The club’s idyllic the ball all game. surroundings and facilities provided the The men’s next match was held in the background for the team’s only loss of same arena as the 1992 Olympics. Their the tour. Richard Beer scored the first opponents, FC Barcelona’s hockey side, goal, from an excellent short corner rou- even played in those famous football tine, giving Cambridge a healthy chance. shirts. This proved a tougher match, Andy Edwards so nearly provided an although the Blues gave a mature per- equaliser towards the end, as his shot formance, winning 3–0. They were deflected off the crossbar, but the Blues Post match at CD Terrassa Photo: Hannah Dent 22 Sport Varsity 6 October 2000 Lose the armbands Silencing the critics

Comment forgiven for thinking that we lived in the greatest sporting nation of this era. The media had a patriotic field day as Sam Sheringham Olympic mania captured the nation. The remarkable success that the As a nation, we are very quick to write British squad enjoyed in Sydney, cou- off our sporting capabilities. Indeed, pled with England’s incredible victo- critics were in seventh heaven as what ries over the West Indies in the Test promised to be a terrific summer of series, has suddenly allowed the whole sport got off to a less than impressive sporting summer to take on a new Cambridge swim the Channel Photo: Dan Mikulskis start. Leaving footballing flops and complexion. Things are not so bad Wimbledon woes aside, however, a after all, and there is a lot of humble of the rolling boat. By now the sea was worse than anyone on the boat during dramatic cricketing triumph and a pie to be eaten. Swimming slightly rougher and a particularly the middle section of the race, but she record-breaking Olympic medal haul The Olympics, in particular, have large wave broke right over Dan’s showed typical grit and determination seem to have restored the faith in our gone a long way towards proving that 8hr 25min Cambridge head, taking his hat and goggles with keeping us within sight of Oxford for sportsmen and left one or two people we do have the capacity for success in 8hr 18min Oxford it. As only a few minutes of the leg the next hour. rather red-faced. international sport; and although a remained, he carried on without too The French coast was looming large It really is not so long ago that our large percentage of Britain’s medals much trouble to hand over to Katie ahead as Dan got ready to take on the footballers crashed out of Euro 2000 were won in minority sports like Dan Mikulskis Kenny. Katie had experienced a few final leg, boat-bound supporters at the first hurdle, and the usual criti- cycling, sailing, and rowing, we have problems with the cold in training but becoming more and more frenzied as cisms were being voiced about our shown that there is no need for us to After some six weeks of training at rose to the occasion, soon settling into he neared the end of the race. The incompetence in the international live in the shadows of our more dom- Jesus Green open air pool and her natural long stroke, unfazed by Princess itself stopped about a hun- arena. Tactically inept, devoid of flair inant sporting neighbours. 200,000 yards of swimming, the ships passing close by. dred metres from the shore and Dan and with a sieve-like defence, our So, let us hope that our sportsmen Cambridge Cross Channel Relay Despite such courageous swimming was accompanied by a small rowing team was an easy target for critics and can be inspired by the performances of Team finally lined up against Oxford from Mike, Anja, Dan and Katie, boat for the final sprint to the beach. satirists all round. Add to this the our Olympic medal winners, starting at Shakespeare Beach, Dover, in early Oxford’s international contingent had By now it was obvious that Oxford indifferent performances by Tim with a win for Kevin Keegan’s England July. The weather looked surprisingly made their presence felt. The Vivacity had taken a definitive lead and Henman and Greg Rusedski in this against Germany on Saturday. For promising for a Channel crossing; in was sighted several hundred metres in Cambridge’s loss was confirmed as year’s Wimbledon and there was talk once, our journalists have given credit fact the sun was shining onto the front as we neared the halfway stage of their finishing time came crackling of a national crisis by July. Not where credit is due. Although there is white cliffs from a cloudless sky. the race. Determined to make an over the radio. enough training at grass roots level, the obvious danger of getting carried Mike Scott was to lead off the team impression on the lead Jason Prince Yet Cambridge were able to take the lack of a killer instinct or simply away, we now have a platform on of six swimmers, three men and three showed his appetite for the big occa- consolation in their time, crossing the bad coaching were only a few of the which to build. The Olympics pro- women. He made his way from The sion by storming his way over the first channel in 8 hours 25 minutes and 37 explanations given for our perennial vided the perfect example of how Viking Princess, our accompanying part of his leg, despite encountering seconds, with Oxford a mere 7 min- underachievement. We had reached important development at grass roots boat, to the start line to accompany- some of the worst conditions of the utes in front. These times were the rock bottom. It was a crisis and the level is. Now is the time for the ing cheers. A few seconds later the race. By the time Jason had finished, fourth and fifth fastest ever recorded jury was out on British sport once Government to act and invest accord- starting signal was given and he began Lindsey McFarlane having waited by relay teams crossing the channel, again. ingly. Our status as a leading sporting powering his way out into the calm some five hours for her swim, was testament to the outstanding quality But how quickly we forget! Pick up nation hangs in the balance. Can we waters off the coast. eager to get in the water. Making light of both teams. any paper last week and you could be continue the surge? As Mike neared the end of his allot- work of the worst of the weather, she ted time, Dover was fading into the put in another strong leg for the Light background and Anja Slim prepared Blues. to take over. Although suffering from Then came the most difficult part of seasickness, Anja made a good start. the race, as all six team members had and soon established her natural pace. to swim again. This was a tough chal- At this stage the white hull of Vivacity, lenge, as the earlier legs and seasick- the Oxford boat, was clearly visible, ness had all taken their toll. Mike Beach netball demonstrating how evenly the teams plunged in, showing his class by main- were matched. Next in was Dan taining his powerful stroke and speed Netball seemed ever-present in these good- Yet perhaps the most memorable Mikulskis, again suffering the effects despite fatigue. Anja had suffered natured teams. occasion took place in the island’s Gill Davies In no way did the squad allow their mountains. We arrived to find a court netball to get in the way of their social in worse repair than those in Alice Ross arrangements! The girls took to the Cambridge. We sat around in the bak- Polo Netball is to Barbados, as football is to nightlife as they did to the netball: with ing sun, waiting for the opposition to The Cambridge University Polo Club England and this netball-crazy island commitment. Soon it seemed that arrive. One by one, they sauntered up, Sports (CUPC) reached record numbers last proved a stimulating sporting environ- everywhere we went, they knew who we from the houses to the left of the court, year with over 30 new members. They ment. The easy friendliness of the peo- were, the Cambridge girls, for a short until the area was teeming with people. are hoping to achieve a similarly high ple and the variety of play and venue, while at least, became part of the leg- As we warmed up, little children ran shorts membership this year. As well as training kept us on our toes (as all good net- endary nightlife of Barbados. The clubs alongside us, returning balls to us, and the Varsity team, CUPC focuses heavily ballers should be), throughout. spilled open onto the beach, allowing even playing with us. Others sat around Compiled By: on helping beginners. All beginners were Just off the beach, shadowed by palm one to dance in the sea, as Santana’s and watched, cheering their team on Alice Ross, Paul Browne, Simon Francis playing in matches by the end of the trees, as the sun lowered itself over the Maria Maria echoed across the still with genuine interest. The passion for and Roy Pang year. The club owns eight ponies and encroaching sea, we played our first Caribbean air. We made friends with sport and the friendliness encountered plays on most days throughout the year. match. Our game proved fast and large- the local people, danced until our feet there will stay with the girls forever. It The only condition the club has for ly accurate, as Liz Wroe consistently ached, with some rugby boys from seems there is indeed a place where net- Football newcomers is that they are competent displayed outstanding form in the Durham University providing some ball is (apart from the odd bit of crick- Club trials are being held on Saturday, riders. It can, however, arrange riding les- oppressive heat, proving one of high- casual entertainment (strictly on the et) the only sport. O! The netballer’s 10am for freshers and 12.30 for seniors sons for novice riders if they are keen to lights of the tour. side). heaven is surely Barbados. (anyone in Cambridge who is not a learn to play. If you are interested please Tours seem to produce a different fresher). The present squad have just fin- contact Simon Francis (sfb25). level of play and this one was no excep- ished a week’s pre-season training and SF tion. A series of matches played in the things are looking promising for the National Netball Stadium demonstrat- forthcoming season. Netball ed our true (blue) colours, as the squad AR Trials for new squad: Sat 1.30–4.30 thrived on the challenge offered by such Churchill courts. athletic and physical opposition. It was Gliding AR here that we had some of our best wins, Over the summer Paul Browne, Stuart playing our own disciplined game. It Crawshaw, Jon Horne, Debbie Thomas, Volleyball was an experience which gave each play- and David Cann participated in the Trials are being held on Saturday at er a chance to learn something new Inter-University Task week, winning the Kelsey Kerridge. from netballers who approached the only day suitable for cross-country flying Women 11am Men 2pm game in a creative, entertaining and (bad weather was a problem this sum- AR hugely successful fashion. We were mer). The club hope to hold trial flight required to adapt our game in ways days on Thursday 12 and Tuesday 17 Squash Rackets which will hopefully be of value in the October. Expeditions are usually organ- Trials are being held at Christ’s courts forthcoming season. ised in conjunction with other university on Sat 7 at 2pm (men) and Sun 8 at Spirits were undampened by our two gliding clubs and a team is entered in the 2pm (women). Contact Rupert Jakes losses, the most notable to a team which Inter-University task week every year. ([email protected]) or Sian boasted several West Indian interna- Members also compete at a regional and tionals. They were a delight to play Lewis (csl26). national level. against, producing a melee of dazzling PB RP footwork, exciting ball skills and the inevitable Barbadian grin, which Netballers in the sun Photo: Gullivers Sports Travel Varsity 6 October 2000 Sport 23 Americas Match 2000 What a chess ever victory over this strong pairing. Athetics which tipped the balance, and Dartmouth President Rebecca Wright was a particular and Brown emerged the inaugural winners star of the CUAC team; she ended her of the PriceWaterhouseCoopers 21 Dartmouth and Brown time in charge of CUAC with yet another Millennium Trophy by 21 points to 16. 16 Oxford and Cambridge impressive win at her favoured event, the Consolation for Oxford and Cambridge 400m hurdles, in a new match record time lay in the fact that had the women’s and success of 62.9 seconds. Robert Harle sprinted to men’s teams been scored separately, the Judith Payne a double victory in 100m and 200m with British men won eleven events to eight. new personal bests, before being joined by Personal bests were also set by Gavin age chess club member). As such, she During the summer, CUAC athletes trav- Yasser Baki, Adrian Chapple and Dave Hodgson (400m hurdles) and Rosie Chess was firm favourite to scoop the British elled to Oxford once again, this time to Gardiner for an exciting 4x100m relay in Curling (long jump) and Oxford’s Ellen Ladies’ title. On 6/9 she was ideally combine with the dark blues in the annu- which both teams broke the previous O’Hare contributed a fine 800/1,500m James Vigus poised, having lost only one game and al Americas match series, facing this year a match record but the Cambridge boys double. looking like a contender for one of the joint team from Dartmouth and Brown were just beaten on the line. CUAC and OUAC will hope to build main prizes too. But two tough pairings Universities. The Americans put out a As the results began to come in from the on this performance and put up a good Cardigan-clad, shivering in a chilly followed. Hunt lost them both and strong team, but when, after six events, field, however, the Americans began to fight against Dartmouth and Brown when church hall, the stereotypical chessplay- unluckily this allowed the young Indian they had yet to record a victory, it seemed claw their way back. Eventually it was the we visit them next Easter in America, er emerges only in winter, hibernating Humpy Koneru to capitalise on weaker that an upset might be on the cards and strength of their women’s contingent, and where the Brits will also face teams from when the sun comes out. In fact, sum- opposition, taking the title. A disap- that Cambridge would achieve their first especially sprinter/jumper Lindsay Taylor Harvard and Yale, and Penn and Cornell. mer is the time of most major tourna- pointing end, but there was no doubt ments, and the highlight comes in that Hunt had played the better games. August – the British Chess The Cambridge star turned out to be Championship. Of the 68 players, top Brian Kelly. Irish number two; seeded Grandmaster Julian Hodgson International Master; mantelpiece Fives go travelling finally emerged as clear winner, crowded with trophies – his talent has £10,000 richer. been obvious for years. Since gradua- Despite not taking the grand prize, tion this year, his play has become obvi- The second day was always going to departing captain Al Taylor narrowly the Cambridge players challenged ously more dynamic. Earlier in the Fives be tricky. The staff of the school had losing the deciding match. They later strongly. Ben Morgan made a good summer Kelly made his first arranged two other matches for us claimed that their match would have Championship debut, steadily accumu- Grandmaster norm, a fantastic achieve- Paul Thompson before we played against them, which been even closer had they not been so lating five points, while Jack Rudd ment for an amateur player. Boosted in meant that without being fully acclima- tired from matches earlier in the day. careered erratically to the same score confidence and rating, he consistently tised to the high altitude and hot The only other serious fives of the trip without drawing a single game. James showed the ability to make something Some had thought that it was mighty weather, some people ended up playing to Zuoz was an Open Tournament with Vigus nearly toppled Hodgson but lost from apparently nothing, drawing ambitious trying to organise an Eton fives almost continuously from 2 till 11. pairs of roughly equal strength. This and subsided to four. solidly against a galaxy of fives tour to Zuoz, Switzerland, for a We lost the first match against St meant playing with unusual partners, Harriet Hunt played some brilliant Grandmasters. With 7/11 Kelly won long weekend. Curt Schmitt’s expertise Olaves (a visiting school from England) perhaps from St Olaves or maybe from chess. She begins her PhD this year, but the British U21 Championship, jointly in so many languages, however, and his 3–1, with Steve Block and Adrian Lewis the school. Cambridge did well, with her studies have not stopped her from with Pert. setting him in equal seventh success in arranging free accommoda- the only triumphant pair. The match five of our squad in the semi-finals and piling up an impressive stack of chess place overall, winning £271. The big tion, made it all possible in the end. against the Swiss school, however, was James Birch and Robin Chatterjee win- titles. A former World Girls U21 money is on its way! The first day was disastrous in many much easier, Cambridge winning 5–0. ning the plate competition. Fittingly, in Champion, Hunt is both Woman All this bodes well for ways. Someone was booked for the The next game was the much awaited his last serious match as captain, Al won Grandmaster and full International Cambridgeshire’s County wrong flight; and there were too many match against the staff of the school, the tournament playing with Paran Master, the strongest female player in Championship campaign, captained by people to fit into the van. To round it whom we were told had been in train- from St Olaves 14–13 in the final, Britain and the highest rated player in Joe Conlon. If headed by Kelly, Hunt off, our best player managed to injure ing. The Blues eventually lost 2–3, with snatching victory from the jaws of Cambridge (2,454 on the international and Karl Mah, Cambridgeshire can well himself in the evening warm-up. the first pair, James Birch and the defeat in an exciting climax. scale, some 1,000 points above the aver- expect a repeat of their 1999 triumph. NextNext year we’d like to give unlimited exposure to her investment ideas

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