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3-28-2005 Current, March 28, 2005 University of Missouri-St. Louis

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This Newspaper is brought to you for free and open access by the Student Newspapers at IRL @ UMSL. It has been accepted for inclusion in Current (2000s) by an authorized administrator of IRL @ UMSL. For more information, please contact [email protected]. VOLUME 37 March 28, 2005

Your sourCf! for campus sensationalism

See page 8 Faculty get undressed ... THECURRENTONLlNE.COM ...... UNIVERSITV OF MISSOURI - ST. LOUIS

" .I I Lake Jackson named vice chancellor of day care creature 'Michael volunteered to work for free ... how could we turn that down?' Chancellor explains

devours BY HACKLEBERRY FINN said. ''! wouldn't come either, but I snacks, including some type of reli­ "Jackson wants the kids to have Okay, that's a lie, but he's my boss, have to keep an eye on Mr. Jackson gious drink. Warm milk and sleeping fun at the daycare. He wants the kids now. What am I supposed to say?" Dolphin-Safe to stop him doing anything stupid. pills will also be served to children to enjoy the same privileges that he One student who could care less I'm running out of excuses for him." during naptime, and Jackson will had when he was a child," Jackson's shared her opinion. "I think it's a student DUMSL King Curious George's George will be present to read sensuous lawyer said, "Except the privilege of great idea," Anna Banana, junior, decision to appoint singer Michael announce the grand opening of the bedtime stories. trial by jury." adult movie education, said, Jackson as the new vice chancellor daycare and will preside over the The daycare also Students have resorted to protests "Although I don't actually have any D-average junior of daycare has stirred a controversy ribbon cutting. "I like being king," promises to offer against the singer coming to campus. kids myself. But if I did ... well, I among students and parents at the George said. ''! get to use big scis­ children an exer- An angry mob assembled outside the probably still wouldn't send my kids wasn't really going university. sors a lot around here." cise program, Miraculous Spa and Cabaret there. But don't let me discourage The daycare, which will be Michael Jackson is scheduled to where Jackson Building shouting obscenities and other parents from doing so." . anywhere, anyway known as the Never-Leave-Your­ make an appearance and perlorm will teach kids throwing food at George. One stu­ Jackson is expected to start his. Kids-Here-Ranch, will be available ''Billie Jean," which contain lyrics how to moon­ dent held a sign that read, ''No Glove job at DUMSL on Monday, April 4 . BY KATE DROOLS to student parents at DUMSL begin­ that have taken on a whole new walk. Will Touch The Children We Love!" unless Superior Court Judge Rodney ning April!. Jackson Queen Mum meaning recently. This will be fol­ Jackson was Jackson's appointment has the S. Melville interleres. The opening ceremonies for the New vice lowed by a Michael Jackson look unavailable for support of some personnel. Lisa Kia, "Students can protest all. they daycare will start at 8 a.m. April 1, chancellor A cool breeze ripples the water. alike contest, where the winner will comment on his daycare coordinator, said, "Mr. want, but it doesn't matter because I and the turnout is expected to be Gentle waterfowl preen. A few stu­ receive free purple pajamas and a other. plans for the daycare, but his Jackson is a fine choice to lead a just cover my ears and sing la, la, la, pathetic, maybe one or two people at dents glance at the reflective pools on new nose. lawyer did say that Jackson wishes daycare center. I don't care what the la, la, la, la," George said. "Michael the most. their way to class. To onlookers, The daycare is expected to pro­ to create a safe and secure atmos­ critics say. I cannot think of anybody Jackson is comiligwhether you like "I don't blame people for not DUMSL's expensive, tranquil land­ vide children with plenty of healthy phere for the children. better to run a daycare than him. it or notl" . wanting to come," Jackson's lawyer scape seems quietly serene. In a recent unfortunate accident, Gonzo McSpadden dis­ covered that evil actually lurks Baseball coach to move New beneath the still swface. McSpadden, from poolside office junior, animal online husbandry, fell Creature victim to the lake Scary, dangerous Department decides baseball coach deserves monster that has courses taken up residence at DUMSL. some fresh air, in shed near soccer field According to eyewitness reports McSpadden, known by friends as the BY JOLLY ROGER said. "That pool room almost ruined "goose whisperer," decided to inter­ Roya/Pain my love life, because my wife offered act with a pair of mating Canadians almost couldn't bear to smell me around 6 p.m. last night Head baseball coach Slim Shady every day." "He just bought the Underwater has a new office to settle into, after One thing does concern the Honkmaster Goose Call 6000 this Public speaking, his former poolside office was coach, however. the office appears week," Willow Hl!gger, junior. reclaimed as a storage room foqx)()l to be booby4rapped. foliage counseling, McSpadden's physical education supplies. The athletic department has ''When I came in here for the first girlfriend, said, weeping. "He had moved the coach to a temporary time the baseball pitching machine shed behind the Mark Twain facility. was parked just across from the now available see CREATURE, page 5 Athletic Director Bat Droolan entrance," the coach recalled. said the move was unrelated to the "Apparently there was a string I ay BusTY ROCK.R - ...... ~-- -- -. - .... -....- --.--...... - ~ - coach's recent multi-million dollar must have pulled when I opened the Barely Managing court victory against the University. door, because I almost got my head Name change '''The coach told us that he want­ taken off by a ball lobbed at me." Next semester more courses than ed some fresh air after spending so The coach said he has found rusty ever will be offered online. Among much. time next to the pool, so we nails sticking up through his office the courses that have been converted gave him the best that we could chair, an explosive bobble-head doll prompts SGA to online instruction are public speak­ afford," said Droolan. of Barry Bonds and even an iron ing, television studio production and The windowless, corrugated-steel anvil perched above his door. various physical education courses. shed is indeed roomier than the ''Whoever did this really must The University decided to move to fue lawsuit coach's previous office. However, have been watching a whole lot of these classes online because of the the majority of the space is taken up cartoons to come up with this stuff," high enrollment in several other by the fertilizer stored for the soccer Shady said BY HACKLEBERRY FINN online courses. An overwhelming field and the equipment required for Droolan denies any knowledge of .... - -- Pe~dl P:;;;be:,.· number of students said it would be the upkeep of the baseball fields. a conspiracy to humiliate or elimi­ "neato" if they could attend all their A wall of chain-link fence sepa­ nate the coach. However, a janitor at classes from the comfort of their The Sexy Goober Association rates the coach's office from the the athletic building who spoke on home. sued the Canada geese on campus accumulated supplies, and a single, the condition of anonymity said that "I would just love to be able to Friday over the fowl's decision to call bare-bulbed light illuminates the he, a 5'6" caucasian male with short Mike Elikesitl The Cummt have all online courses," Mickey their new organization the Stupid coach's space. brown hair, green eyes, and a ·tattoo Athletics found this cozy spot for baseball head coach Slim Mouse, junior, cooking, said "I Geese Assembly. "At least I don't have to come Shady. The office, inside a shed near the soccer fields, will would never have to learn anything Campus geese have organized to home smelling like chlorine," Shady see BASEBALL COACH, page 5 replace Shady's old office next to the DUMSL pool. do something that involves, well, ever again. After all, who really does the work for these online courses?" honestly, I was not really paying ._ --- _ .. - - - attention during the interview. Administrators decided to move However, reportedly, a goose rep­ the public speaking course online resentative announced Wednesday after too many students complained that the geese club wanted to change DUMSL's newest parking lot is a mere five miles away about the in-class version. ReconI.s their name from the Geese Against show that several hundred students Nagging Griping Students (GANGS) made complaints that the class was just too nerve-wracking for them and to the Stupid Geese Assembly. BY MISSY DITZV what's another two more?" In response to the announcement:, Chargeumore said. "For those who that speaking in front of people was Sexy Goober President Scottish Blond and Bubbly do not appreciate the quality of "not their thing." Boob had something to say about the exercise, we have designed two . Several professors agreed that name change. ''Uh .... '' This was fol­ Recently the DUMSL Planning other transportation options. One having the course online would alle­ lowed by a blank stare. Facilities and Department of option is to take the airport viate these issues. ''1 didn't understand the lawsuit at Parking announced a newly pro­ MetroStink to DUMSL, or students ''If we put the course online, no first," Boob said '''Then, a goose posed project to provide students can arrive in style, by flying in on one is forced to speak in front of an explained it to me. When the goose more available parking options, but the 'Soul Jet' ." audience," Donald Duck, professor said, 'Honk! Honk! Honk!' it dawned the plan has a downside. The "Soul Jet" was an old bro­ of culinary studies, said. '"Ibis would on me. Both organizations start with The parking project was dis­ ken down jet given to Lampert by alleviate any issues that students have the same letters, and I thought for cussed at the parking problem com­ the National History Society. It pre­ with speaking in front of people. sure no goose could come up wi.th mittee meeting held on March 21, viously was used as a test aircraft They would then just have to speak three other words for the acronym, 2005. when designing new airplane mod­ in the online classroom and receive Will Chargeumore, president of SGA." els, and after numerous renova­ the same credits." Members of ASUM, Absolutely the parking problem committee, tions, the jet looks almost brand Another course that will be con­ Sexy Underwear Models, have been outlined these proposed 2005 park­ news. The only main problems with verted online is physical education. lobbYing in Jefferson City. attempt­ ing plans. the "Soul Jet's" operations are the All of these classes will soon be ing t~ oppose the name change. "We have negotiated a deal technical issues surrounding the offered solely online. Students feel "We stood outside the Capitol in between Lampert Airport and malfunctions of certain buttons. that they should not be forced to per­ Natural Bridge Rd. Jeff City, picketing, but the geese just DUMSL that all airport personnel Lampert officials assure students form physical activities in school. It flew over and pooped on us." will receive a free $100 gift certifi­ that they have nothing to worry can do nothing but harm them, so cate for Chartsmells (which equals about when flying the "Soul Jet" to these courses will be moved to online see GEESE, page3 about three complimentary lunch­ DUMSL. instruction with the various others. es), in return for our lamenting stu­ At The Stagnant, we don't have time for things like accuracy in Mike Liars, Soul Jet pilot, . S.tudents will be able to participate dents to park in one of their lots," map-making. Thus, we have this wholly worthless, infantile described some of the previous ill virtual classrooms where various Chargeumore said. 'map' that actually was made by the 8-year-old nephew of our problems with the plane. games will be required. Such games INDEX The airport space would provide layout designer. NOTE TO NEPHEW: WAY TO GOI "There have never been any seri­ as basketball, volleyball, softball and over 200 more parking spots to ous situations caused by the jet," gymnastics will all be held virtually. Bulletin Bored 2 DUMSL's 16,000 students. their concerns about the lot's dis­ Chargeumore said that students Liars said. "Every once in awhile After all, you can learn online just as Chargeumore said that the air­ tance from DUMSL's campus. will have three options for campus we must make emergency landings well as in person, so why not offer Self-Righteous Whining 4 & 5 "I like idea of a new established transportation. port lot that will be inclined for just for precautionary purposes." them ~s .way~ ~~trators say flu!fY._ Goodness _ 6 & 7 DUMSL students was formerly a parking lot:, but I think that the dis­ "Students at DUMSL already these vutual actlVltles will be similar security checkpoint lot located at tance of the lot will be more of an walk an average three miles a day to Playstation games. ~ock Straps 8 & 9 the airport's east terminal. inconvenience," Sandy Gripesalot:, on campus to get from the current ------Organs for Sale 11 Some students have expressed junior, political debate, said. campus parking lots and garages, so see PARKING, page 5 see ONLINE. page 5 Page TuTu ~Iw STA6lfIANT 2005 Space Odyssey --=------~~

~Ite Stagnant I

Kate Drools 0 Queen MiJm

Busty Rocker 0 Barely Mcmaging

Uncle Scrooge 0 MOll6J Gl1Ibbl!1'

Tutti FNity 0 Zookeeper PUt it On the Board! Call 516-5174 for details or email [email protected] WII)Qed WomiJ,ai 0 Badve-riising Dude

PM to 5PM. This workshop will help iclurs/index.html for more information. home will have a pizza party together. ~ Finn 0 Dolphil! Safe Mon. March 28 Tues. March 29 you choose a major and gather infor­ The extended application deadline is The project should wrap up around ~ Ar.ve: • Nooze Ninja Advanced Interviewing Resume Writing Skills mation about Cateers. Participants must Friday 1st April. URS will be held on 12:30 pm. All participants will receive BerTy TIisty . fu?ping Tom Workshop Workshop take the Strong Interest Inventory prior Friday 22nd April on the 2nd & 3rd a t-shirt and a free pizza lunch. Whether you are seeking an intern­ to the workshop. You will have it inter­ floor of the MSC. For more info con­ The 2005 Big Event was sponsored Jolly Rogel' • ROl'

vith DisAbilities, Student Govemment ~ent Red Pen 0 Word Werleb be conducted to enhance partici­ students and alumni. Advance registra­ The 2005 Big Event Spring Service Association, Gallery Visio, Associated pants familiarity with the interview tion is required; call 516-5111 or enroll Project will be held Saturday, April 2, Students of the University of Missouri, RudyjiscbJs • Podiatrist

process. This free workshop is held in person at Career Services. The work­ Fri. April 1 2005. Volunteers should assemble out­ Delta Zeta Sorority, Black Student Exotic ~ 0 Mail Boy in Career Services, 278 MSC and is shop will take place on Tuesday, Undergraduate side the MSC at 9:30 am. The group Nurses Association, Students Today BatbieDolI. ol1fe in Plastic is open to cun-ent UM-St. Louis stu­ Match 29 at 12:30 p.m .in Career Research Symposium will carpool to the Sl Vincent Alumni Tomorrow, Pi Kappa Alpha Ftl tllast;c dents and alumni. Advance regis­ Services, 278 Millennium Student (URS) Children,s Home where volunteers Fraternity, International Business Club, Captain ~ • Rum Connoisseur tration is required; call 516-5111 or Center. Applications are now being taken will get a chance to interact with their Student Investment Trust. Helping McWytQd Rhymes • I'm Rich, BeOIGht enroll in person at Career Services. for the 4th annual Undergraduate children as well as work on various Hands, Chain of Arts, University Monday, March 28: 2:00 p.m. Thurs"March 3 1 Research Symposiwn (URS). If you maintenance projects including orga­ Program Board and the Office of located in Career Services, 278 ChOUSing a Major are preparing a thesis or pattaking in nizing their toy room and cl~ing up Student Life_ Millennium Student Center. Counseling Services will present a research, please visit their playground. Following the pro­ For more information contact Jenny career workshop on March 31 from 3 http://www.umsl.edu/services/academ- jects the volunteers and children at the at [email protected] or 516-5263 Staph Infection Carrie Promqueen, Brown Eyed Girl, Red Kool-Aid, Al Pacino, Mister Rogers, Dave Beckham, Bambi Meadows, ~adeth Brown. Hand Canrpus cr:i.mel .....· ~ Low, Bryan Boapecker, Ashante This section remains March 14 covered her license plate tabs stolen on County. The subject was arrested and stolen article in the computer system. unblemished by our Stagnant humor. Stealing Under $500 March 10,2005. The license plate tabs later picked up by St. Louis County The infomwtion here is tnle. 223 Research Building were on the vehicle while it was Police. **NOTE** Soul stealers The following criminal incidents Two victims reported that the con­ patked. The victim does not know As a reminder, please keep your Jolly Roger, Gater Hunter, were reported to the UM-St. Louis tents of their purses, including cash when the theft occurred. March 18 valuables secured or in your possession Cami Ra Police Department between Match and a cell phone, were stolen. The Stealing Ovec $500 at all times. Most of the thefts that 12, 2005 and March 19, 2005. If purses were left in an unsecured and March 18 304 Social Science Building occur on this campus are because the readers have information that could unattended room while the victims Fugitive Arrest A laptop computer was stolen from owners failed to properly safeguatd assist the police department they ate went to another classroom Millennium Student Center an unsecured office. A witness saw a their property. The Police Department Phone Answerer encouraged to call 516-5155. The A person was found sleeping in the black male subject 5'8 "weighing about operates 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, Alex Baldwin campus police provide this infonna­ M.arch 14 building, and upon further investiga­ 180 pounds walking out of the office and officers encourage anyone observ­ tion as a public selvice. Remember, Stealing Under $500 tion detennined that the subject had carrying a black backpack. The theft ing suspicious pe9ple or activity to crime prevention is a community Parking Lot JJ outstanding warrants for his arrest occurred between 9:15 a.m and 9:40 report it to the police immediately at Call Girl ,effort! The victim reported that she dis- from St Louis City and St. Louis a.m. The computer was entered as a 516-5155, or 9ll if it is an emergency. Maria Carey

Paperboy Dave Beckham I PORTA T 388 Milk Students for Cash One University Too Many , \ DISCLAIMER!!! St. Louie, Missourah 631 ~1 Snooze Room· (lHI 'il6- - jj.j Make Us Money. (314,) -II;· -316 Monkey Business. 13J-i1 W;'5r­ Fax • 13J'I1 'iJ6-68J 1 This issue is The Current's annual parody edition c ampus and evil twin, The Stagnant. NO STORIES in this 388 -'vIiik Students for Cash paper should be interpreted as factual under email S/~lgllaJll@lbi..·'SlI Cks.cOIIl any circumstances. website btlp:/lcoion--.. bat-kslasb.(gorgcoIII.ne l.m u The Stagnant does not intend to: he Stagnant is our amUdI parody issue. * Seriously offend any individual or group TAdvertising rates are available if ~ ask nicely; terms, cmdit:ials and restrictions apply * Defame or cause extreme distress unless ~ are hot, then you can do whateover the hell you want. The Current, financed in * Provide anything of news value part by student activities fees, is not an official pubtication of UM-St. Louis. The Unr.'ffSity is not responsible for the cootent of The Current and/or its policies. The Currmt requests the The Stagnant does intend to: courtesy of at least 24-hour advance notice for all events to be covered thoug!l we will proba:­ * Make you laugh out loud bly still not cover it. All materiais contaired in eachprirrted and ontine issue are property of * Spoof on current events and topics The Current and may not be reprinted, reused or reproduced without the prior, expressed * and written consent of The Currmt not that L 1.:}, 'ilL' i" ... n I.. .~'t Provide quality, intelligent parody and satire anyone would want to reuse rur stuff. First * Leave you wanting more ccpy is free; all subsequent copies are 25 cents ~l k Il _. i ~ ,:llll .. : • UlI,11 it , ~' .'\ OJ . ('Sf). and are available at the offices of The Current. Who are we kidding! Take as many as you 1 ' ,)f1(Hl ." j would nke. We always like to help paper train CS<. ~d y. ('~r111~ ~1 irid{'".li. t ) J no , 2. \ 011 ~ · b~tll . puppies. "M ' L tmtli -~r l. fll UII~ I..· .. lkr..~ !-" d ial'll :,;, fl~!.l~ ~[,.. \-. ¢:lJ:utn'l .: t'.(:' I''I

ASSOCIATED COLLEGIATE PRESS

Corrections At The Stagnant, we are never McLaughlin Group wrong. Anyone who thinks we're Serving your neighborhood since 1985 wrong is totally disillusioned. Our House of the month ULTIMATE RIGHTNESS makes it so.

Looking for a loan and tired of being dec1ined~ Celebrate the New Year in a ne.w borne, or open up your very own Your UMSL real estate representatives small business. TllIst our caring Financial John Reichman, lynne Thien Specialist~ 10 find you that perfect For detailS about this house or to find out aboul our 100% (Business, Mortgage, Debt. Consl. Etc.) FINANCING and FREE DOWN PAYMENT PLAN Call loan with low rales. Tel: 314-808-4555 (John) or 314-537-2213 (Lynne) 7717 Natural Bridge Rd. TOLL FREE: 1(888) 270 -2570 Almost April 2005 ... Page Three's Company PAC to feature shows GEESE, from page 1 They were everywbere. It was a the geese of failing to honk before repair his gavel after it broke from mess," John Gasman, who is absolute­ entering Garage NO. The goose banging it too much during the hear­ ly not a sexy underwear model, said. responded by attempting to peck out ing. t for younger audience "We cannot let these geese get Boob's eye. After a recess, when a student was away with this," Bill Passer, freshman, The confrontation led Stupid Court accused qf pushing a goose off the political scandals and ASUM intern, to become involved, allowing .. both swings, Dumpster called the court to said. 'We already allow them to defe­ sides to speak or honk their minds. At · order and declared his ruling. Having catered to the 65+ crowd, center hopes cate all over the sidewalks." the hearing, Minnie McMouse, vice "After hearing both sides of this The name change has stirred con­ president of the Sexy Gooberment argument, the justices and I have come • to reach those in their mid-to-Iate fifties as well troversy because of a trophy at Association, a.ccused the geese of tak- to the conclusion that Krispy Kremes DUMSL that clearly states that the ing fun away from the student govern- should be served at Stupid Court hear­ ...... BY...... JOLLY Roy;;{p;;i;; ROGER series of catch phrases, including, In addition, the spokesman noted Sexy Gooberment Association is the ment body of DUMSL. ings," Dumpster said. ''But seriously, "You'll want to see the PAC before that the center was formed with the only champion of the Sexy Goober "Fun is limited, and there is not we have decided to allow the geese to you die .. .50 you better hurry," "What . philosophy that nothing created after Contest of 200S. enough fun to go around when call their club the Stupid Geese better way to spend your social securi­ 1950 could truly be considered to be "If this name change occurs," Boob DUMSL is already having problems Association." The Performing Arts Center is hop­ ty check?" and "How about some 'art.' Therefore, the center's board of said, "then the geese can claim that with acquiring enough fun for the cUr- . The ruling caused an uproar in the ing to break new ground in attracting a Ethel Mennan with your applesauce?" directors decided that it would be they are the sexiest goobers too, which rent student organizations," McMouse courtroom, and when Dumpster was if wider, younger audience in the coming Meanwhile, some students have cause a logical conundrum to allow a is just one big, fat lie!" said. asked why he and other judges made months, after a recent report showed complained that the center, partly sup­ center for performing arts to allow per­ A duck disguised as a representa­ The president of the geese organi- the decision to side with the geese, he that 95 percent of the center's visitors ported by student fees, seems to rarely formances that by its definition, are not tive of the Stupid Geese Assembly zation said the geese plan on receiving said, '''The decision was rather easy were over 65 in the past 12 months. include college-age programming. in fact art. said, "Quack! The decision to change fun from an outside source, so as not to after the geese bribed us ." "The report was quite a shock," Jacob Beatty, senior, plagiarism stud­ In addition, Atric noted that the our name was meant to reflect our cul­ disrupt the current distribution of fun The geese excitedly flew around said Olderdan Dirt, PAC programming ies, mused, ''Why should I have to pay PAC's $2 million carpeting and $4 ture and heritage. We are stupid geese, to the clubs and the student governing the courtroom after their victory was director. "We don't really know why, good money for a place that only million seating could be damaged if and we're proud of it. Quack!" body. announced, while Boob mumbled, .. but apparently only people past retire­ seems interested in shows my grandpa youth-attracting shows were ·held. Mediation between the two groups The Court called a recess to allow "Just you wait until geese hunting sea­ ment really want to come and see acts would want to see?" '''That's in addition to all the toilet­ went well until Boob accused one of Chief Justice Brendon Dumpster .to<· !lOil ; . ~we'll see who's laughing." like the 'Lawrence Welk Variety Melinda Madsen, sophomore, paper cozies our volunteers have knit­ Show,' the 'Spike Jonze Revue,' home economics, has found a way to ted," said Atric. "We don't need flail­ 'Gershwin by Pennywhistle' or the . make use of her semesterly PAC fee. ing, uninhihited younsters moshing unforgettable 'Phonograph Invasion: "I have a lot of great aunts and uncles, about, or getting crunk in our facility." the Classic 78s from the Great not to mention my grandparents, so I One top-level administrator at the t Depression' at the PACKAGE." use my 25 percent off to buy them PAC confided with The Stagnant on Dirt says the center is looking to tickets and it saves me at least my $10 the condition of anonymity that the in the lake. Scientists believe cooties order to pay for the constmction bring in the pre-Social Security crowd each semester." reason for all the older adult shows is, DUMSL closes for snow could even be present. An anony­ costs, the bridge would become a with new performances geared for At a news conference last week, in fact, a long-terrn strategy for finan­ mous professor said, "Gross! I'm toll bridge, where students would younger audiences. "We're looking at PAC spokesperson Gerry Atric said cial security. For the first time in the not touching that stuff. It's yucky!" have to pay to walk across it drastic changes," Dirt said. "Where we that the reason it does not book acts "You students complain now, but University'S history, officials at Campus police questioned a lab once had performances from the that appeal to college-age crowds is you're not seeing the big picture. The DUMSL decided to fmally close the professor who said, "Don't bother ~ Prohibition-era, we're getting more due to several factors, but mainly PAC is winning over the hearts of all campus for a snow day on March me with such trivial matters when George plans big makeover contemporary, possibly even post­ because its mostly volunteer staff is so these old folks with the antiquated 32. This is not a joke. This is not a I'm playing Tetris." World War II." old. shows," the administrator said. "Five test of the Emergency Broadcasting DUMSL Dictator Curious The center also unveiled on "We're afraid that we would have a or ten years from now, when these System. This is for real. George unveiled plans today for Wednesday a new advertising cam­ rash of cardiac an'ests among the vol­ folks start to pass on, guess who shows Curious George, emperor of MSC plans improvements new buildings on campus. paign. Dirt said his marketing team is unteer staff if these folks knew what up in the 'will? After we get all these DUMSL, made the final decision. Surrounded by blue portable toilets focusing on the AM radio market, young people are listening to these bequests, and the center is on steady "When the snow reached the roof of The Miraculous Spa and and orange construction tape, wear­ fi McDonald's and Bob Evans restau­ days," Atric said. "Imagine your financial ground, then we can start the Stripping Singles Bar Tower, I Cabaret Bridge will be closed to ing a bicycle helmet and perched rants, doctors' offices and the AARP grandmother at a Marilyn Manson or a booking the Usher and Green Day knew I had to make the call." through · traffic March 32 through on his throne, George jabbered newsletter. Each ad centers around a 50 Cent show .. .it wouldn't be pretty." shows. All we need is a little patience." Mass chaos broke out after the March 39 to make improvements to excitedly about his plans to rebuild announcement was made. Teachers the bridge. the entire campus from scratch. resorted to making snow angels and A new deejay booth will be I.------~------~~------~-----~------~' "All the old buildings will have installed to replace the automated I ./ ~~ students were found skiing down to go because I have to establish a I Benton Hill. elevator music on the bridge. The legacy," he said. "I will do anything I , change became necessary after stu­ necessary to achieve my goal even , ( BB 49952961 A WMDs found in Bugg lake dents complained about hearing if it means I will have less time to I Dido's song being repeated con­ watch 'Extreme Makeover.'" I B2 1\'10 chemistry graduate students stantly. A new bright yellow sign DUMSL administrators are now ~ running an experiment to determine will also inform students that the haggling for the purchase price of I if any wate.r actually exists in Bugg non-automatic door at the end of I the Golden Gate Bridge, which r Lake came upon an unusual discov­ the bridge by Lewis and Clark divides the campus into two sec­ I ery Wednesday afternoon. After fur­ Halls does, in fact, work, and stu­ tions. George said he is committed ~ I dents do not have to form a line THI' HOTII' Ie UG.M-TnlDER ther testing, chemistry professors at to DUMSL's growth and is not dis­ FQRAu.Dn~ POIOCAKD PRlVAf[ outside to wait for the automatic •I DUMSL found that weapons of couraged by the slow negotiations I mass destruction had been stashed in door to become available. and urged patience. I the lake. Chemistry professors Administrators at DUMSL I "The project is expected to be I reported that more could be hidden warned users of the bridge that in completed by 3005," he said. I I . ----~---~-~------~~------~--- --~ -~-----~------~

, Wanllo Make $600? New Student Orientation Mentors Wanted PIT Package Handlers .• . • Medical/dental insurance Earn • Tuition assistance • Weekly paycheck • Part-time, 5 day week • Ability to load, unload, sort packages $9.00 • Must be able to 11ft 50 Ibs. Applications available • Must be 18 years or older per hour • Pay increase every 90 days for 1st year. '10 days accrued paid vacation after 6 months. in ·TheO ice of • Evening shift starts at $8.50 . fedex.com/us/careers • Contact Kina at 567-2915 Student Life 366 MSC Lllllel. witll a Legislatol­ Due by Fiday, April 8th Sponsored by ASUM

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. , .' . Page One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, FLOOR Marchtobuary 28, 2005 CS1;i.x,j·i'm iW _ Bottie snagging 101 Our Gripe Women send mixed signals. We do men may be competing for our time, not come with a handbook. so you need to stand out. Dancing on The Current makes Unfortunately men have no way of a table, flexing your muscles, telling The Current knowing the "right" way to snag a obnoxious stories and otherwise call­ date. Because my heart is overflowing ing attention to yourself wiU definite­ with goodness, I have compiled a ly make a woman look at you. And hella cash selling simple, but extremely effective, list. really, getting looked at is half the bat- should share Ladies, they deserve to tle. know what we really 5. Show US that engineered fruit, want, right? Well, gentle­ you're human. Farting men, read on. and burping are not only 1. Ogle shamelessly. super sexy, they also shady profits fake drugs and Women crave attention. show us your human side. When you gaze hungrily Please, emit your manly at us, we feel appreciated. smells. They are unique, Seeing as we are a gentle, honest, entire organization is just a front for Drool helps. We see it as caveman-like, humorous truth-revering folk at The Stagnan.t, a successful black market ring. EI bootleg CDs. They a sign of respect. In fact, a and always a turn-on. If we think it's high time that DUMSL Burrito, as they are known in the physical response to her you can burp the alpha­ know the real story of their beloved underworld of illegal dealing, presence will guarantee a bet, you will be a sex god newspaper. The Current. breeds bovine growth hormone­ whine all the time reaction from a woman. among the ladies. Jungles For starters, that pretty little edi­ injected pineapples, traffics moldy Go ahead, let that jaw of back and ear hair make tor-in-chief of theirs is actually a oregano posing as marijuna and, the drop. Don't just follow us KATE DROOLS us crazy with lust as well. man. Yes, that's right. "Kate Drolet" coup de gras, sells pirated N*Sync with your eyes, get into it. Woman of Ill-Repute And boys, you were born is really an anagram of "Ted CDs to underage Canadian teeny­ about how much Tum your head, tum your with a butt, so take every Tealkor," your fearless journalism boppers. body. We'll eat it up. opportunity to expose it to the world. leader's real mime. She thought Every year, the group whines, 2. Get "all up in her grill." The 6. Get drunk. There is nothing being a woman would beguile read­ begs and threatens lawsuits because they need money, ''bubble'' is just a made up concept sexier than a man who stumbles, ers into liking The Current. She they don't get enough money from invented to make men work harder cracks his head on the floor and obviously didn't put much time or the Stupid Activity Booty for our affection. So go ahead, grab laughs it off with beery breath. We effort into her disguise, as her Commission. Their tantrums serve and they're really her rear as she walks by. The don't want social drinkers, gentlemen. unmistakable mustache, manly merely to protect their true colors. MetroLink is a fantastic place to pick We want the boys who go the longest physique and disturbing appearance Last year's editor was actually sit­ up classy ladies. You will elicit a in a keg stand and those who brazen­ in a bikini give away her gender at ting on a fortune earned from the response if you put your hand on her ly chug from a plastic bottle of cheap first glance. sale of 400,000 "super pineapples" sitting on a fortune. shoulder, her knee, her face, her hair, vodka. You know how liquor makes The chica right to the French government. While her "untouchables." Nothing makes us look better? Well it makes you look below Mr. The Stagllant staff has not actu- us happier than someone who brushes better too. Tealkor on the ally seen The The worst part is the concept of "too close" aside. Every woman dreams of being a Op-Ed Current's Walking up to a woman and kissing Budweiser girl. Our collective goal as her always works in the movies. Why a gender is to wear teeny bikinis and that they don't wouldn't it in real life') mud wrestle. You can help us succeed has a 3. Make some .noise. Wolf-whis­ by making us feel as though that is the dark tles showcase your talent when it only profession at which we could secret. comes to making your feelings audi­ possibly hope to excel. You might You may even share. ble. Phrases such as, "Damn girl, you consider ripping this editorial out and know thick," "I like that ass," and "How sticking it to your refrigerator, M People suck much is that gonna cost?" really make because it's as close to a handbook as Rosner us feel special. Of course, we also you'll ever receive for free. I promise, from her enjoy the unintelligible, "Uhhh!" gentlemen, if you follow these direc­ They should share sound that indicates your interest. tions, women will not only notice Feel :free to utter one or all of these you, we will tell our friends about Side. Anyone who sounds. you, thus increasing your chances for has visited a gen­ 4. Make a spectacle. Lots of other att.ention. Go get her, Tiger. tlemen's club the love with all of across the river has contracts watched Becky a.k.a. with countless local pot­ Entertain yourself in boring classes Ivana Shakeit seduce ad teens and an unlimited sup­ from onstage. She spe- ~ ply of pizza from an undisclosed Sitting through some classes can be forget that the rings make noises when cializes in tantric mud baths establishment. DUMSL so that the a bit of a bore, so I thought of some you click on them, and the students and adult film script writing. She This is your school newspaper. ideas for things you can do while in a around you love to hear the cool ring recently wrote, produced in starred While DUMSL encourages learning class. They may seem rude to some tones you can get, so turn up the vol­ in the hit X-rated film, "Bend it Like self-sufficiency and capitalist ven­ people, but who cares? What if you ume. Becky:' tures among students, it's not fair whole University need to take that phone call from your If you have a class with computers, Ever gotten your picture taken by that The Current has so much and boyfriend or look up your favorite there is a world of things to do. First, "Mike Sherwin?" Don't be surp11sed shares so little. Every student should websites while some guy is lecturing? search the Internet. Look for every­ if strange men come a-knockin' on enjoy a piece of the paper's pie. Just FIrst off. if you find yourself sitting thing that is inappropriate to look at Stubborn your door. Some call Mike 'The imagine how successful The Current through a class that is even slightly while on campus. Be sure you look Reverend," at least those who shop and DUMSL would be if every stu­ can benefit from boring, talk on your cell phone. Do not surprised when you go on a site that Whiners in his mail-order bride catalogue. dent could help traffic illegal sub­ bother turning off the has sound and the profes­ Oh yes, Sherwin is quite the entre­ stances. If this small business turned ring; professors are not sor stops lecturing to KATE DROOLS preneur, using his position at The into a University-scale affair, we distracted by loud cell look at you. After all, he Current as a platform for his own wouldn't need the stingy state of their illegal, phones. In fact, most of or she had no idea you B usTY R OCKER mischievous endeavors. In his Missouri to fund us. Imagine an them encourage you to were not listening, and MISSY DITZY defense, 'The Reverend" does only education without sucking up to answer it during class. they figure you are prob­ HACKLEBE R RY F INN photograph his for-sale subjects Bored Curators, a program devoid Do not be rude, though, ably looking up informa­ with his personal camera, not com­ of standardized tests. Glorious, truly lucrative ventures. after answering the call tion for their class. C H A RLEEZ ANGEL pany equipment. glorious. leave the class and com­ You could also type a -JAMES DEAN All that is innocent as a box of Our proposal is simple. The So what do you think? plete your conversation paper while in class. I do Girl Scout cookies compared to this needs to share the wealth. If in the hallway. Then, not think the professor CATHERINE THE GREAT Current next piece of news. Prepare to wet every single one of the 16,000 We really don't care. This walk back in the class can hear the noises akey­ -JOLLY ROGER your pants, gasp out loud and feel DUMSL students sends a plea to the newspaper exists for us to while the professor is board makes when you the earth tremble beneath you. Do organization, maybe we can eam a lecturing, he or she does are typing a paper for boost our own egos, not to "Group whine" reflects the not be fooled by The Current's shot at reaping the benefits of black not care. If you think . BusTY ROCKER another class. The stu- ~; opinion of the Stubborn alleged "funding shortage." The market trade together. inform people. Geez. others will be interested Ninja TU111e . dents around you do not Whiners. We are always right. in your conversation, hear it either; they are not stay in your seat and talk loudly. trying to listen to the lecture. The pro­ Another thing you could do with fessor always assumes you are typing LETTE your cell phone during class is text something for their class, so they let it message your friends. After all, you MAIL slide. How rude would it be to type The Sta{!Jlant cannot wait until after class to talk something for another class while lis­ 13 Cobweb Manor about what happened last night. It tening to a professor lecture? Transylvania would be a whole hour before you If you are really bored with the could call that person back. Do not class, you could just get up and leave. FAX bother turning off the sounds either; no The professor will not find it offensive 101'()Ol·OlOl • The Current should share profits That's nice. We could care one is distracted by the sounds that at all. He or she figures you must have E-MAIL • Hottie snagging 101 every letter makes when you punch somewhere much more important to [email protected] them into your phone. It is also okay be at 10 a.m. I mean, it is better to less. Thanks for playing. • Entertain yourself in class for your phone to vibrate or make come to class for a half hour and real- (~ Letters to the editor should be brief, noises when you get a message, the ize it is boring than not come at all. because we don't read too good. We professor probably will not notice. This way you would not be disrespect- edit letters because most people One more thing you could do with ing the professor and the students in don't know how to speet. All letters your cell phone during class is to use the class. must be signed and must include a the calculator or Internet. You left your So really, there are lots of things to daytime phone number so we can fancy calculator at home, so you might do while sitting through a lecture. The come tell you how dumb you are. I • I like penguins. as well use the calculator on your key is to be rude and not pay attention mean, really, our opinion is never Long live The Stagnant. phone. The noises that it makes when to the students around you or the pro­ wrong. The Queen Mum reserves • My mom says I'm fly. you type in the numbers do not matter fessor. The professor will be lecturing, - the right to send you hate mail in • Experience our coolness at to anyone, so do not bother changing so how would they have time to pay retum.The Stagnant reserves the The Current bites big time. them. Also, going on the web during attention to what their students are right to publicly humiliate www.thecurrentonZine.com class and picking out a new ring tone doing? Your agenda is much more ignoramuses who send in pointless is completely acceptable. Just do not important than theirs. rants.

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SciENCE CoLUMN

I Hellbender-snapping turtle hybrid threatens st. Charles

Naturalists recently uncovered a startling creature. be sneaky and stays hidden until it can "We left St. Louis County to avoid just this new species in the backyard of a new St. Naturalists were puzzled and amazed by attack. kind of danger," Stacy Soccermom said. "We Charles County home in the Cliffs at the the new creature. While clearly sharing char­ Besides backyard garden ponds, a good demand that the government take care of this Cedars of the Villas of St. Andrews at acteristics of both hellbenders and snappers, habitat for hellsnappers appears to be golf right now. And don't ask us for any tax Sheffield on the Terraces on the Green sub­ the fact that one species, the hellbender, is an course ponds; backyard swimming pools, money to do it either," she added, adjusting division. amphibian and the other, the snapping turtle, puddles, streams and other watery landscap­ her silk, designer golf jacket. The new animal appeared to be a hybrid is a reptile meant that no interbreeding ing. In the case of larger hellsnappers, St. Charles officials are applying for fed­ between the vanishing hellbender, an enor­ between the two species was possible. The municipal or even country club swimming eral disaster money to avoid using local mous, slime-covered but harmless salaman­ answer to the mysterious origin of the pools are appealing. It is easy to see why St. funds to deal with the problem. They are also der once common in Ozark so·earns and the species was found when naturalists were able Charles residents are worried. demanding state money to fund an eradica­ increasingly common alligator snapping tur­ to trace it back to Weldon Spring, where they Size is another concern about the invasive tion program in St. Charles County. "St. tle, an equally ugly creature that is actually found a huge colony of heUsnappers. new species. "The animal we found in the Charles just cannot afford to deal with this dangerous and is now colonizing golf course "Weldon Springs was the site of work on backyard was a young one and weighed a problem. Besides it is a state or national ponds throughout the area. The new creature the first nuclear bombs. Radioactive contam­ mere 100 pounds. We don't know the upper problem anyway," Mayor August "Otty" is covered in ·slime like the hellbender and ination has been an issue in the area since the limit for size, but we fully expect to find Ottweiner said. "We just don't want them has the same folds of black wavy skin but it 40s," said Dr. Heythere Hoohah; a scientist individuals the size of Hummers by next here," local state representative Todd is much larger, has a hard bumpy shell under familiar with both Weldon Springs and the BY CHEERY MUDPIE HOPPER year," Timberland said. The new species also Trustfund said. ''They just don't fit in with the slimy folds and a beaky mouth with a bite discovery of the hellsnapper. Naturalists are Beatnik 'Scientist' breeds fast, laying thousands of new eggs a our plans for more strip malls and subdivi­ that can easily snap a small tree in half. The speculating that hellbenders and snapping year. "And they apparently will eat any­ sions. They spoil the carefully sanitized land­ new creature, dubbed a "hellsnapper," also turtles stewing in the radioactive slurry had thing," Timberland said. "We have seen them scaping and they are just plain inconve- has the snapping turtle's aggression and bad their genes swapped around to produce the eat a Jack Russell terrier and a Persian cat in nient." temper. new monster species. "A kind of natural one bite and take a big bit out of a Golden It is unclear at this point what action will The strange new animal was found in a genetic engineering, like when they put fish uralist Tim Timberland said. Retriever, so I don't think swallowing a tod­ be taken but one group of citizens is taking backyard garden pool that the new home- genes in tomatoes," Dr. Hoohah said. Unlike the hellbender, the hellsnapper is dler would be out of the question." matters into their own hands and rounding up ~ owners had installed to bring a slightly more Scientists refused to speculate on how actually dangerous and not shy about invad­ The thought of a Hummer-sized, slime hellsnappers and shipping them to more natural look to the newly laid sod the long the colony of hellsnappers had existed ing new territories. It is able to live in a vari­ covered, snapping amphibian-reptile mon­ sparsely populated counties in the Ozarks of builders had just installed. "We got a little at the old Weldon Springs facility but noted ety of habitats, unlike the sensitive hellben­ ster invading the backyards or even the coun­ southern Missouri. "It worked for deer in more 'nature' than we wanted," said Joe that there appeared to be hundreds of them. der, which requires very clean water like that try clubs of suburban St. Charles County has Town and Country, didn't itT' asked St. Sixpack, who had called Department of 'They are so aggressive and sneaky that it is found in springs. However, the hellsnapper is the residents of the area's subdivisions up in Charles resident Joe Sixpack, in whose back­ Natural Resources naturalists to remove the hard to get close enough to count them," nat- like the secretive hellbender in that it tends to arms and demanding government action. yard the first hellsnapper was found.

Gender studies declares itself PARKING, from page 1 One advantage with taking the Chargeumore said that these Chargeumore said. "We know that Soul Jet is the three minute flight parking plans will require a hike in parking has always been a major .' "liberated from Women's Lib." duration. DUMSL's current tuition expenses. dispute among students, but the DUMSL has created an extend­ "A student parking accommoda­ new lot will resolve these dilemmas ed runway for the jet to land in front tion fee of $1 ,500 will be added to and tuition will be the next con­ BY GIRLIE GIRL Jungle said she hopes the Others disagree. "No, I remember of the Millenium Student Building. the cost of each students tuition," cern." ...... _.. ... _ ._...__ .... Waitingfor Prince Channing University community will not mis­ there was a goodly number of secre­ take the institute's change of focus as a taries back then, too," said another BASEBALL COACH GETS NEW OFFICE, weakening of campus women, but male professor. "Ms. Carver sure from page 1 In a dramatic reversal, the Institute rather a recognition of a natural state of could make a great cup of java for the for Women's and Gender Studies has weakness. boys." of Jennifer Lopez on his right fore­ that the new office might hurt recruit­ against his client. announced that it is fed up with so­ ''Look at the history books. After Jungle says that starting Monday, arm, found a cache of Bugs Bunny ment efforts. "Sure, the coach is a thorn in the called 'Women's Lib,' and now will all, who discovered America, electric­ the office will painted pink and all fur­ and Roadrunner cartoons in Droolan's "What kind of a message is it to athletic program's side. Hell, he's a embrace the doctrine of 'Liberation ity or the Galapagos? Yep, sure wasn't niture in the institute will be reuphol­ office. The janitor said he also found baseball recruits that the coach has to pain in my ass, too. But that doesn't from Women's Lib.' a woman. stered in matching pastel colors. In several photos of Shady on the back work in a place like this? The pool excuse this kind of behavior. Unless Dr. Joyce of the Jungle, director of "We [women] should really have addition, she and her assistant will side of a dartboard hanging from room at least was in the building, now the athletic department wants to pay the institute, said she and other mem­ learned our place [in society] by now," offer students complete 'lady Droolan's door, with several holes 1'm . like the damn groundskeeper in me a hell of a lot of money to be their bers were "tired of fighting the status said Jungle. ''But now we have a remakes' each Wednesday. With a indicating Droolan has considerable Caddyshack," he said. lawyer, I'm going to keep suing their quo .. Besides," she said, '1t's getting chance to right those past wrongs. The team, comprised of a hairstylist, beau­ skill at nailing the coach's forehead. Shady's lawyer, Saint Jerome, said pants off on the coach's behalf. By the pretty expensive to replace all those institute is trying to do just that, with tician, pedicurist, masseuse, charm In addition to the daily threat of that the move is the latest in a long way, if the University wants to call flambeyed bras." these new lectures on homemaking, school instructor and a male observer, bodily harm, Shady is also concerned line of vindictive, retaliatory actions me, my number is 555-5316." Jungle said the institute will now man-pleasing and making pleasant but Jungle \\illiead a total transfOlmation focus on the "natural hierarchy, rele­ non-threatening small talk with men.'· of uppity. strong willed, o.r poorly gating women to a subservient status Male faculty members say it is groomed female students. They will relative to that of men." She said the about time. "Maybe I'm old-fash­ be reborn, she says, as beautiful, ONLINE COURSES INCLUDE P UBLIC SPEA KING, from page 1 institute will now offer a new noon­ ioned, but I always thought it odd that dolled-up creatures who belong on time lecture series highlighting topics the University would permit a bunch some rich and successful man's "I think it will be beneficial to our be slightly higher than for other get into it then. such as "Make-up and the Modem of women to teach above the high pedastal. students if they play these games on classes. It is estimated that these "We are hoping these courses Woman," ''Balancing Homemaking school level. When I was in college the "Only then will the young women the computer and learn the skills of courses will cost around $1 ,000 a will be extremely popular," Bird and Housekeeping," and ''The Proper only gals on campus were the coeds of today find true happiness," Jungle the games," Tweety Bird, professor credit hour. They will not be easy to said. "We know they are expensive Care and Feeding of Your Man." and the librarians," said one professor. said. of flying instruction, said. "After all, get into either. Only around five stu­ and may be hard to get into, but we all they have to do is teach these dents will be admitted to each course think they are worth it. Students will skills to other kids, so what is the big each semester. The courses will only also have to pay for parking even if deal if they learn it online or in per­ be offered online, so anyone who they never have to corne on campus, son? They should know the safety of needs the courses and is not able to but the way we see it, it is only fair. Irony strikes campus extremist group the games from common sense." get into them will have to wait We are expecting all classes to move The price for these courses will another semester and hope they can online in the future." BY .JOLLY ROGER of the heathen campus that betrayed Ironically, the largest meteorite the will our Lord." struck precisely where the "Prayer to Over the Top The group then camped out on the a Wrathful Lord" group had been SEA CREATUR E GETS HUNGRY, EATS S T UDENT, from page 1 green space in front of the north cam­ camped out. All four members of the ------_._--_ .. __.. _. __ ..._ .. __._ ------._-- An extremist wing of the DUMSL pus library. In an interview with the group were killed by the impact. No Bible Study organization was vindi­ Stagnant, ''Wrathful Lord" member other casualties or severe damages such high aspirations, and now all boyfriend's final moments. decide to investigate a drainpipe large cated and then exterminated last week Patricia Buchanan said the group was were reported. he'll ever be is monster poop." 'The creature rose out of the water, enough to fit a small dragon. They when its yearlong prayer vigil came to "keeping the faith," and that "we will Professor of Theolog, Fred Hugger said she accompanied picked up Gonzo by the elbow and purchased a Honkmaster 6000 and tragic fruition when a meteor shower not be giving up until God tells us to." Nietzsche eulogized the victims at a McSpadden to the lake area around swallowed him whole. I called the sounded it in hopes of luring the mon­ lashed campus, leaving hundreds of Members would hold 24-hour prayer celebratory barbeque Saturday night, dusk. The water, McSpadden had told DUMSL police, but all three of the ster out. After receiving no response, a craters and killing four students. vigils with three eight-hour shifts. ''Well, I have to say that even though her, felt unusually hot, like a large ani­ officers were handling a food fight in groundskeeper ventured further into The splinter group, calling itself Each member would also display I never liked [1R.] Falwell [Jr.]; in mal had made a "warm spot." the Snosh, so they couldn't respond the tube. Moments later, onlookers "Prayer to a Wrathful Lord," formed placards, reading statements such as fact, I rather despised him ... but any­ "Gonzo swam out to the middle right away," she said. "One of the heard a shout followed by a burp. The last May on the premise that "Show us your fury," or "God will eat way, I must give credit to a man who, and started observing Peanut Butter parking Nazis was booting a car near­ man did not return. DUMSL's lack of organized, compul­ heathens like you for breakfast." in his death, revived my belief in God. and Jelly, the two geese," Hugger by, so he came over and threw his "Since the monster is not comply­ sory prayer was an affront to "God In an unfortunate tum of events, To call this 'coincidence' would be said. ''He had just rewed up the ticket machine at the monster. The ing with DUMSL staff, we've decid­ and his little angry baby Jesus," the group's prayers were answered in foolish even for us academics. And Honkrnaster when the water started to creature got really mad and ate his ed to put up little warning signs and explained spokesman IR. Falwell, Jr. the foml of a massive meteor shower, now, we all can see that GOO is a very look funny." ticket mobile." leave it alone," Betty Gambler, vice in a press release from last year. unleashing hundreds of small to large­ powerful - and powerfully funny - According to Hugger, a Once police reached the scene, chancellor of hazardous affairs, said. Falwell said his group would pray as sized meteorites peppering the cam­ entity, with an extraordinary sense of "grotesque, misshapen, slimy head" they called in DUMSI:s scuba diving "We've hired a cowboy to lasso squir­ long as necessary "for the destruction pus last week. irony." rose out of the water a few feet from team. The team members were subse­ rels and feed them to the monster. McSpadden. quently devoured as well. Hopefully we can avoid any more "Gonzo was so focw;ed on his University officials congregated in fatalities with that measure. We're work that he didn't see the monster the parking lot and scratched their also looking at implementing a disci­ • until its mouth opened," she said. heads until the monster finished pline program where we feed delin­ McSpadden reportedly tried to chewing. The grounds and landscape quent students to the creature." scare the creature away by sounding department drained the lake this Officials have yet to discover how MARK YOUR CALENDAR'" the goose call in its direction. Hugger morning in hopes of finding and trap­ the monster found its way to the lake, said the attempt only appeared to fur­ ping the creature. though one student has her own theo­ ther aggravate the monster, and it 'The water has been turning a ry. lunged for McSpadden. funny red color, and we've found a "I bet [the monster] was one of t· "Gonzo grabbed Jelly and tried to few animal bits floating in it over the those biology experiments gone horri­ Student Life Leadership hit the monster in the eye, but it didn't last few weeks. We drain it every bly wrong. They have aliens in their work because Peanut Butter got mad time, but never seem to find anything. lab too. Benton Hall is like a mini Awards Banquet and started pecking at Gonzo's eyes I guess we know the cause for the Roswell," Connie Spiracy, sopho­ while Jelly pooped on him," she said. problems now," Joe Dirt, DUMSL more, government intelligence, said. Unable to see or swim, hole digger, said. "And you thought it was plants in that McSpadden's escape attempts proved This morning's draining yielded greenhouse." III· Monday, April 25th, 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. futile. Hugger described her no monster, but groundskeepers did

Nominations for Student Organization Awards Online at: www.umsl.edulstudentlife /' (Due April 11 til) Today, 2005

Photo Interpretation by Spooky McGeel The Stagnant The recently renovated Brokaz Park will serve as a low-cost housing facilty for financially-challenged students. The Office of Rotten Life at DUMSL will run Brokaz Park. DUMSL welcomes Brokaz students

BY RED KOOL-AID The facility will feature ameni­ option of choosing between one and own cable cords of approximately $6.50 they can eat twice a day and ties that many student housing com­ two bedroom units, and each unit 100 feet in length. on weekends. For those with more Refreshing Beverage plexes lack. All of Brokaz Park is has a ftre pit for cooking and a paper "We have set the complex set up limited budgets, we have developed • paved with linoleum flooring so that bag for bathroom purposes. Students so that students can bootleg their the 'sharing program,' where stu­ residents can enjoy the slickness in who wish to live in pre-furnished cable," Klein said. dents will be allowed into the Snosh every square inch of their new tem­ units can choose between a one bed­ Duracell Merriwhether, senior, to beg at certain times of the day," porary home. room unit with a stained twin mat­ battery science., is in favor of the Klein said. Soon, DUMSL students who "Hopefully the Raunchy tress on the floor, or a two bedroom cable plan. To promote the upcoming devel­ receive fInancial assistance but still Assistants, student leaders within with a stack of newspapers in the '1 just got off of parole for boot­ opment, the DUMSL bookstore has ) cannot afford suitable campus hous­ the Brokaz community, can use the comer. leggin' cable at the crib, so I am glad shown its support for the complex ing will have the opportunity to linoleum to sponsor programs, such Brokaz Park has a premium heat­ that DUMSL is giving me the by selling bibbed skull caps that enjoy the benefits of residential life as a sewer-water slip and slide ing system. The development has opportunity to hook up my crib have Brokaz Park embroidered on without the hefty price tag. event," Shanaynay McReefer, compensated for the absence of air without 5-0 comin' through my spot them along with Brokaz wristbands, The new development, Brokaz Rotten Life raunchiness coordinator, conditioning by increasing heating disconnectin' the connections," he sweatbands, t-shirts and even sneak­ Park, is set to prop open its doors said. options. said. ers. All proceeds from bookstore next semester. Rotten Life plans to hire ''The new heating systems are While those living in Brokaz sales will go towards financing "We've always gotten complaints Raunchy Assistants through the great," Klein said. "Students will Park will still be required to pm­ more mattresses for Brokaz stu­ about housing being too expensive," local minimum security prison. never be cold again. They can chase a meal plan, they will be privy dents. Calvin Klein, Rotten Life Overlord, "We fcel that it's important to choose from (W) Warm, (H) Hot, to special discounted food. Students interested in living at said. "When people started sleeping support convict work release pro­ (HAH) Hot as Hell and CBYATD) "All Brokaz students will be have Brokaz should pick up an applica­ on the lawn, we decided it was time grams," McReefer said. Bake Yom Ass to Death." access to the Snosh dumpsters. For tion from Queen Maxine in the to accomodate them." Brokaz residents will have the Students are urged to bring their $5, they can eat twice a day, and for DUMSLOffice of Rotten Housing. Faculty reap multiple benefits from new club

BY MISSY DITZV Linda Loonatic, professor of Barbie Cirl abnormal psychology, said that she was extremely happy about partici­ pating in the Faculty Polar Bear Club's first event. DUMSL professors and staff "When I fJISt jumped in, I was members now have the opportunity shocked as to how cold the water to improve their swimming skills was, but after awhile when my toes and stay physically ftt by joining the and fingers began to go numb, I for­ new Faculty Polar Bear Club. got all about my stressful position at Bruce Crazy, professor of aquat­ DUMSL," Loonatic said. 1 ics and founder of the club, said that Loonatic was rushed to a local the main purpose of the Faculty hospital, where she recovered from Polar Bear Club is to give faculty minor frost-bite injuries and was members a chance to relax from admitted to a correctional institution their hectic teaching schedules and to seek help for a week for jumping to meet other professors while hav­ into the campus lake completely LUFFMASTER ing fun with water sports. nude. "I am a strong believer that a per­ ''The water stung and fToze the skin off of my feet, but I know that MISSY D ITZY son's physical health and fitness are very important. I believe that swim­ my participation will benefit my Feature Creature ming year long is an energy booster health in the long run," Loonatic and can prevent future illnesses," said. Crazy said. Loonatic is only one of the club's phone: 516-5174 Crazy said that this club was 20 new members who take part in a fax: 516-6811 established as a spin-off from the variety of evening swimming National World Polar Bear events. Organization, which was created The Faculty Polar Bear Club over 100 years ago. meets every Friday evening at dusk "I have always been a huge fan at the campus lakes. the week's of those brave men who show that Members begin the meetings by they value their health by wearing completing different warm-up rou­ Berry Deliciousl The Stagnant tightly fitted shorts and jump into tines before plummeting into the Sunset at the ponds on north campus has anew view. Faculty who now belong to the Polar Bear lakes, rivers and OCeans across the water. Once members hit the water, Club, now gather at sunset for a dip; The club, founded by Bruce Crazy, will hold different events best world during the winter," Crazy they are required to complete spe­ throughout the year, including diving contests, overnight swimming retreats and an annual naked said. cial aquatic exercises such as duck swimathon for charity. The club's fIrst main event and and bobs and butterfly kicks. bets meeting took place on New Year's The DUM Bored Curators for tenure. , know how to swim, but I joined overnight swimming retreats and Eve, when numerous professors and recently voted a new provision into "My fingers are bruised and bat­ . Polar Bear so I can get a fancy title annual naked swimathon. faculty members showed their the DUM-System policy. The tered from publishing so many arti­ someday." For more information about the courage by jumping into the icy cold amendment states that faculty mem­ cles, and Iwant tenure really bad," Crazy said that the club is always organization and to fmd out how to Wed. March 38 waters of the new Millennium bers must participate in at least three Dana Myte, professor of explosive recruiting new faculty members to become a member contact Crazy at Stupid Center ponds. extracunicular clubs to be eligible engineering, said. "I don't even take part in their diving contests, 516-DUMB. . Dinner with the King I Casa de Curious G Committee unveils new mascot after months of discussion, doughnuts and heated debate i Ever wonder what it's like to BY KATE DROOLS words at DUMSL, led decided to combine all of the options into stinky Loser University up the roadlt's River-

BY BusTY ROCKER Jorge, helps him climb out. The king . garages on campus with more lakes. heads back to his office .and takes "I think we could improve cam­ Barely Managing another bubble bath before . lunch. pus aesthetics by bulldozing some George .eats in the cafeteria every- buildings and replacing them with day. . some fancy water features," Dennis "I spend arouud$30 a day on the Menace, committee member, If anyone thought King Curious lunch in the cafeteria," he said. "I said. George's job was easy, they were usually order '~ . goose burger with George clapped his hands excit­ -,. right. In addition to letting students fries. It only comes with about four edl y and asked if he could operate and administrators do whatever they fries, so I order a brownie. as well. the heavy machinery. Not surpris­ want, the king keeps himself busy Not bad for. $30, ehT ingly, the committee, which is con­ ,vith many activities during the day. The next item on his daily agen­ veniently staffed with yes-men, After his queen, Barbie da is to attend boring, pointless agreed unanimously to let him. Hairyback, wakes him up with a meetings. Each week a new matter When the daily meeting adjourns trumpet serenade at noon, George is discussed. Last week they dis­ (usually between 3 p.m. and 4 p.m.), • heads over to DUMSL in his pink cussed increasing parking permit the king returns to his castle. George Volkswagen Beetle. He stops in prices. George decided that paying said that he should not have to waste front of his office, where an atten­ around. $200 to $300 to park on an entire day at DUMSL. He likes to dant personally parks his vehicle for DUMSL's campus is just not get home early enough to fix dinner, him. The king then heads up to his clean the house and do the laundry. Sir Charles Allowishus Zigglepot is one of the many ghosts at the Haunted Student Housing Tour. office where he takes a bubble bath The king claims that his queen in his personal office Jacuzzi. --'--"-- would do all the work, but that she is tl "I asked that they install a often busy composing operas for the BY CHARLEEZ ANGEL needed the money for a new jogging suit." .1 asked that they Jacuzzi in my office last year," St. Louis Symphony or jamming Rogue Ninja Despite the animosity between students and adminis­ George said. 'They always have to im~talla Jacuzzi in my with friends such as Chingy, Snoop trators, George promised to investigate the matter. do what I say, so of course it got office last year... 1 Dogg and Willy Nelson. "I plan to appoint a committee to look into why we done right away. I decided not to tell "Barbie is kind enough to sere­ The Office of Rotten Housing at DUMSL announced form a committee for every little friggin' thing around anyone how much it cost, so no one decided not to tell nade me each day with music she Friday that it will offer tours of its haunted student hous­ here," he said. has to worry about that. You can't anyone how much 'it writes just for the occasion," he ing because frankly, they have nothing better to do with Many students are upset that their dorms will be ~ put a pricetag on a relaxing bubble cost~ •• you can't put a said. "She deserves a little time off their time. exhibited to the general public. Massive protests are bath. I work better if I start the day for that alone." Visitors can see some of the haunted rooms' oddities, planned throughout campus, including one held today at with one." price tag ona relaxing George said that his beloved which include radioactive goose droppings from science the bathroom in Primitive Hall, which serves as the After his spa soak, the king heads .bubble bath. Hairyback also enjoys pursuing her labs, food which mysteriously changed in color and headqu3.J.ters of the Pissed-Off Losers and Haters Club over to the newly constructed lakes longtime passion of goose hunting. odor and green water from Bugg Lake. (PLHC). in front of the Millennium Stupid - Curious George The enormous Canadian goose pop­ Ghosts dwell in strange places, and the DUMSL "I'm not really sure why they decided to do this with­ Center where be swims exactly 33.5 . . DUMSL King ulation at DUMSL is one of the campus is no exception. Students in the University out consulting me first," Justine Princess, president of ') laps. The Loch Ness monster that main reasons that George and his Fields Apartments reported being haunted by Casper the the Pissed-Off Losers and Haters Club, said. "I'm real­ resides in the lakes does not bother wife accepted the job as King of the no-longer friendly, but psycho ghost who goes on unex­ ly upset because I believe I should have a voice, even if George because it knows better. The University. plained rampages. it is whiny." king said that he let the monster enough. He suggesreo that students "Those geese really drive me Students who live in the dorms have shared ghost Princess and other DUMSL students vowed to do know ahead of time that it was not should begin paying" around $100 a insane, squawking all around our stories about how the residential halls are haunted. One anything to keep visitors away from their dorm rooms. to bother him during his swim if it credit hour for parking permits. house," the queen said. "Poop student reported missing stuff, and after calling in "It's not a matter of what is right or wrong," she said. wanted him to keep providing tasty 'They get to park so close to always on the lawn, on Curious' Scooby Doo and the gang, along with Ghostbusters, a "It's a matter of what is wrong." students at mealtime. campus that it's only fair we beetle and my lamborghini. It's a culprit was found. But it was not a the work of a ghost. Jackie Kennedie, fashion director for Rotten ~ The lifeguards surrounding the increase these prices," he said. mess." It turned out to be Chancellor Curious George auction­ Housing, defended DUMSL's decision to open its doors lakes always carefully monitor "When I first started college, park­ After their nightly six-course ing off student items behind their backs. to thrill-seekers who want to view glimpses of ghosts. George while he swims. Lifeguards ing garages didn't exist. My mom dinner at the dining hall banquet "I suffered a lot of emotional damage when my tele­ "To be honest with you, we had to find a way to pay supervise the lakes 24 hours a day, had to drop me off at school every table, the king and queen sit in their vision disappeared," Double Ohseven, senior, spying, our bills," Kennedie said. "We couldn't afford even the seven days a week. They often see day. Kids these days just don't thrones for a little while before said. "I don't even know if Donald Trump is still mar­ bare necessities, like a new plasma screen TV, Play the monster, but do not bother it. understand how lucky they are." heading to bed. Their bedroom, ried." Station 2 and the first season of Pimp my Ride on They claim that it is like a bumble This week Curious held a meet­ tastefully decorated in a leopard­ George denied all allegations of black market student DVD." ~ bee. "If you don't bother it, it won't ing about landscaping. He said that print and leather motif, beckons valuable auctioning, and he insisted that ghosts are So far, turnout for the tours has been low, but bother you," Aqua Fina, sophomore, he feels that we need more lakes and after such stressful days. responsible for all disappearances. Kennedie plans to make the tours more appealing. At scuba diving, and part-time life­ less parking and buildings on cam­ "Being King of DUMSL is the "How can they accuse me, I'm just a curious little the end of each tour, recipients will receive gift certifi­ guard, said. pus. The committee that he meets hardest job I've ever held. monkey?" he said indignantly. "They are just jealous cates to Chartsmells, a monopoly that has workaraunts Once he finishes his morning with every day has suggested that Nanotechnology has nothing on dic­ because I have Paris Hilton's phone number. Besides, I and inconvenience stores on campus. sWID:, George's personal assistant, they replace some of the parking tating," George said. I ... J, --J ~, • lll..1l ' . DUMSLand MetroStink partner up to hold commuter-friendly classes

BY HACKLEBERRY FINN long as it benefits the students and geese behind the gymnasium while Dolphin Safe as long as they don't catch me steal­ campus police looked the other ing from them, I anl in favor of it." way. Students learn essential survival Another student, Lester Moore, skills from the homeless, including freshman, C sharp major, com­ what is and is not acceptable to plained about being late for his MetroStink employees trade for cigarettes and how to ride class because he missed the train. "I announced Tuesday that the light the train [or free. arrived late at the platform and just rail system will now offer new con­ However, other homeless pas­ missed my train," he said. "I had to venient classes for commuter stu­ sengers objected to the classes on wait for the next train, but they dents who take the train to were teaching bobsledding on it, DUMSL. and I'm not taking that class." Starting April I, MetroStink Problems with catching the cor­ will transform its train cars rect train could become more into classrooms for stu- difficult with the current dents traveling to and MetroStink construction. from DUMSL. The Delays are expected over pjckp ocket jns .02 the next few months, service hopes to (upper leyel c lass) make it easier for causing some trains to commuter stu- cancel classes. dents, who make Students in the up a large per- commuter friendly centage of the classes also com­ University's how to rjde plained about student popu- for free 10 1 putting up with lation. the smells on the M r train cars. Conductor, "Never did a stu­ the official dent at DUMSL spokesman of acceptable trade for confuse a class­ MetroStink, cjsarettes room for a bath- offered his reac­ room," Eileen tion to the news It Wright, sopho­ l: by saying, ; more, drag racing, "Chugga, chugga l lllinojs said. Choo, choo!" "QJ MetroStink employ­ MetroStink will -...1/1 ees did point out that the still allow passengers to o classes on the trains give ride the train, but certain ... students a chance to buy fake sections of the rail cars will be Image courtesy of McWykid Rhymes expensive watches and illegal roped off to hold classes. substances that they cannot obtain Illinois residents who attend by sitting in a lecture hall at DUMSL greatly appreciate DUMSL. MetroStink's offer. Abe Lincoln, MetroStink, claiming teachers con­ Pete Cottontail, reproductive senior, emancipation management, tinue to disrupt them while they try studies lecturer, said, "I thought said, "I love the new classes on to sleep. about allowing crack dealers in my MetroStink. I'll admit that it's kind While students do not have to class, but their prices are just too of bumpy, but I find that I have worry about finding a parking spot steep.Wait. I mean, they're a bad more time for other things that I on campus, walking far to their next influence on young minds." didn't have time for before because class or getting held up by traffic, The classes on MetroStink are it took so long to ride from Illinois not every student supports the idea on a trial basis for the rest of the to DUMSL." of MetroStink offering classes. semester. After a feedback session Providing train cars as class­ "\\'hat's next? Is DUMSL going from commuter students, King rooms to students has been a long to offer students classes on planes Curious George will ignore stu­ overdue idea, Fred Kruger, vice that fly over our campus?" Justin dents concerns and do whatever be chancellor of the month, said. Thyme, senior, acrobatics, com­ wants because he is the king and MetroStink conductors, ticket plained. "And what about having DUMSL is a monarchy. attendants and random homeless train conductors teach classes? The change to allow the trains to passengers will serve as instructors Why don't we just have geese teach serve as classrooms is expected to to the commuter students on the us too while we're at it?" be permanent. "After all, this is trains. One thief, who teaches stu­ Incidentally, Thyme was last what MetroStink was originally dents how to pickpocket, said, "As seen being cornered by a flock of intended for," Mr. Conductor said. Page Ate a Banana March of Dimes

Table tennis steroids ring uncovered •

BY BRYAN B OAPECKER rassed in the first round of last year's table tennis tournament Discredited Former Staff Writ~ 'The three of us [Rottler, Wavemeyer and him] decided that Table Tennis Player James we weren't going to take it anymore, Ackirmen. senior, nutrition science, and we were going to do whatever it admitted to steroid use on Monday, took to become champions next year. over a month after the table tennis I guess it's back to the drawing intramural championships were board," he said. held. Ackirmen also accused two of Rottler and Wavemeyer were • his fellow players, David both unavailable for comment, but Wavemeyer and Charles Rottler, of Wavemeyer did issue a statement using performance enhancing drugs through his attorney before the event as well. "I have no idea what James The confession comes on the Ackirrnen is talking about," he heels of weeks of speculation that insisted. '1 have never taken any Ackirmen had achieved his new kind of performance enhancement physique unnaturally. drugs, and I ",111 never because of "Last year at the event he my respect for the integrity of the weighed about 180 pounds," game of table tennis. Ackirmen and 1 Intramural Sports Coordinator are merely acquaintances that have Samantha Pinemetz said. "TIus year talked on one or two occasions. I feel he told me was 335, and all muscle that he is simply jealous that I was too." actually able to win a point in my Last month's table tennis event first round match this year." was won by Taka Kirosawa, but Ackirmen responded to most people left the Samuel Wavemeyer's statements by saying Clemens Athletic Center talking simply that he "can't believe about Ackirmen. Ackirmen did not [Wavemeyer] would deny it." actually fare that well in the tourna­ According to witnesses, Wavemeyer ment, being beaten by eventual run­ also showed up to this year's tourna­ ner-up See Miy Bum in the first ment with an entirely new physique. round rather handily. What had pe0- The 2005 Intramural Table ple talking, however, was the fact the Tennis season may need an asterisk he broke three balls and hit eleven or may be referred to as "year of the others into the rafters at different juice." Pinemetz said she does not points during his match. According really see the point. "Well all three to witnesses he also became were dominated in there first round "extremely volatile" during his matches. So I really don't think it match's intermission when he re.al­ necessarily tarnishes our year," she ized that the vending machine out­ explained. side the gymnasium did not contain Whatever people may say, this is Artic Shatter Powerade. indeed a black eye for the sport of "His muscles were so big he table tennis. The pressure is now on could barely extend his arms," for the intramural coordinators to Kirosawa said. 'That really doesn't install random testing and harsh pun­ Sick and tired of girlie-man muscles as shown above, the table tennis team ). help you in table tennis." The other ishments for offenders before this players resorted to a chemical fix by taking steroids. With the help of participants that Ackirmen named as kind of behavior spills into bad­ steroids, the table tennis or 'ping pong' players were able to not only win steroid users were also quickly minton. racquetball or even pickle the regional championship but were also able to clear up their acne and get bounced in the first round of the ball. Diehard fans may not be able to girlfriends for the first time. While the NCAA officially condemns tournament. look at the fine athletes of intramural performance-enhancing drugs, they happen to be a Stagnant mfV~ser. So Ackirmen said that the three sports again until they are sure that if you'd like to clear up your acne, get built like a real man and get a hatched this plan after being embar- everyone competing is clean. gorgeous girlfriend, please call 1-800-STEROID.

JAMES D EAN Post-Season Update _. - Sporty Spice NCMlooks

phone: 516-5174 Rivennen to compete in Special Olympics into illegal fax: 516-6811 deserved to play and earned a spot. Special Olympics Coordinator said. But some don't I can't believe none of the teams Noa Escreible was confused by the Another guard, Frodo of the perks in fly picked me," Pegasus said. The play­ Rivermen's position in the tourna­ Shire, felt similarly. "1 have always er court loss, ers who made it will be dispersed ment. "I invited them to the tryout wanted to compete at a higher level, • make the cut among several teams, and may have because I thought they could help and this is my chance. I think that Droolan is still to play against the kids some­ DUMSL has been preparing me for fishing team • BY .JIM DEAN each other how. Then, this moment," Shire said. once the . tour­ when they got Cole Miner, the Rivermen's star ...O pinionated jackass ' BY BRYAN BOAPECKER ~ondering why nament starts. --"-- here, they who plays both the guard and post ... " -'Die-HardTrekkie C 0 a c h I watched the try­ started enter­ position, will be playing on a team BY DAVE BECKHAM For off-season practice, several Takin Pills had outs••• and the guys ing' the drills out of Southern Missouri and is ..Needs aGoodScmbbing of the men's basketball players will mixed feelings really seemed to fit and compet­ happy for the opportunity. The NCAA announced be participating in the 2005 Special regarding the ing. Some of "r think that the team I'm play­ in. At least this Wednesday that they will begin a Olympics. All of the players were tournament. them weren't ing on is from somewhere on anoth­ full investigation of the DUMSL • Only two weeks since the invited to the tryouts, but only "I don't answers a lot of very coordi­ er continent. They are really short Women's Fly Fishing team. This court hearing that had the athletic seven were chosen to compete. really know nated, so 1 had and can't understand me when I comes in response to complaints pepartment pay a ton of money, questions. "At first I thought I was being what to make to let them go. talk," Miner said. voiced during the two-year tenure the athletic director still has no invited to help out, you know, run of it. thought The other ones The Rivermen should get some (~ 1 of head coach Cat Fisher. .1 idea why the department got sued. - Coach Takin Pills some events. When I got there I it was a joke at were okay; I learning opportunities and exercise "The number of complaints is of lawyers for the depart­ reams realized that we were supposed to first. 1 guess don't expect in the tournament. Pills just hopes undeniable," NCAA Investigator ment are currently running around compete," Rivermen Guard Little the Special them to get that don't get their hearts broken. Kat Vamson said, "It almost seems the clock to figure out how they Timmy said. Olympics peo­ "-- much playing "They haven't asked me why as if they have no idea that rules can sue back to even the score. Being a team who is always up ple saw some time. This has there is no Lebron James or Dirk exist in this sport." The allegations Athletic director St. Pat for a challenge, the Rivermen did of our games and thought we should been a surprise for all of us," Nowitzki in this type of Olympics, against the program include strange Droolan commented on the situa­ their best and competed with every­ compete," Pills said. "I watched the Escreible said. and I hope they don't. Some of . gifts to recruits, poorly attempted ~on. "We have always been really thing they had. Jonny Pegasus, tryouts to be supportive, and the Even though he might not get them keep talking about learning academic dishonesty, "perks" from nice people to everyone, even our junior, shooting guard, was one of guys really seemed to fit in. At least much playing time, Power Forward foreign languages to talk to the the opposite sex and, among other families. When they told me that the players who didn't quite make this answers a lot of questions," Aaron Blue is happy to be involved. players from foreign countries. I'm things, a suspicious team bang glid­ we were getting sued I was like, it. Pills added. He did not specify "This is a dream come true; I'm seriously considering a change of ing trip. why. I couldn't think of a reason "I really wanted this. I felt that I which questions they answered. playing in the Olympics," Blue career," Pills said. NCAA officials said that they $nyone would like to sue us, I began receiving complaints about mean, it has never happened before; 1thought there was a lot of the program in Fall 2003, the first love here," Droolan said. year of coach Fisher's tenure. · This marks the first time in the According to numerous reports, aU of the women fly fishers were seen history of athletics and the DUMSL baseball team invests in regional cork supplier University that any department around the UM-St. Louis campus pas ever been sued over anything, riding brand new Huffy mountain bikes. Suspicion grew when a num­ except the one time that the BY DAVE BECKHAM and since the players aren't going already caught the ball. The team bUMSL student government to be able to get things done 1 has not won a game in three sea­ Previous investors in ber of the players added chrome Socially Inept wheels to their bikes. became well-known for extolling thought we needed to do something sons, but are hopeful now that cork Midwestern Cork Co. the responsible enjoyment of fast. The cork company was a per­ has been added to their line-up. Arthur Vandalay, tenth year senior, handwriting, witnessed the alcoholic beverages to freshman, Recently the DUMSL baseball fect fit for us. With cork, we could There have been numerous team on their bikes. "You could tell ~ut that happened a long time ago. team announced that it has put up a get a lot of things done out there, 1 reports of other baseball teams that • White Sox that they were new by the way the I Nevertheless, the department has major investment into the mean it would add 4 to 5 runs a have made the switch to corked Peen known to outsiders for its Midwestern cork company. The game at least," Coach Catchum bats recently. DUMSL is now part • Pete Rose pedaled them so effortlessly. It'sjust t0ntinued excellence and support decision came based on the lack of said. of a long list that includes many • Sammy Sosa hard to imagine a college student of its staff and athletes. talent and hitting abilities of the The DUMSL baseball team is teams from the conference and being able to afford such luxury, but : '1t just really disappoints me players on the team, and Head much in need of help, as they have even the Major League's own · • Stone Hi/! Winery the real strange part is that this is not that someone would want to sue Coach Pitch Catchum made it clear not managed to toss a ball past the Chicago CUbs. a very big campus. 1 mean, nobody us. 1 guess our next plan of action that things were going to be chang­ pitchers mound in the last four "I really think this is the ·right else rides bikes around here." is to sue back, 1 mean is there any ing after he cut the scholarships games. Over the last 13 games tbe move for us. The statistics show filled, we should be able to be com­ The NCAA became more suspi­ Illternati ve to the matter? If you from his team to make a larger team has only managed one home that teams with corked bats win petitive again," Catchum said. cious of Fisher's program in the ~ot sued, wouldn't you sue investment in the company. run, which came off of an error in more games. It is obvious that cork The team is now looking to fill . summer of 2004 when, seemingly pack?" Droolan asked. "It has been a while since we which the outfielder dropped the was what was missing from our out of nowhere, an alarming its auxiliary staff with several mas­ ------_ ..... _-_. ball over the fence after having game, and now that the gap is see WHY ME?, page 9 have had any talent around here, ter carpenters. see INVESTIGATION, page 9 M to the A to the R to the C to the H Page 99 Bottles of Beer on the Walt

I NVESTIGATION, frOln page 8 •• _. _. ___ . _ .••• •..•• ... _...... • ... .•·_.··,_.·· ••. _... ., .•.• _ .• _" ••... ·, .•. .• __ .hh ...... ,. '_H""" '"

Men's tennis season cancelled after number of top women's fly fishing The final major alleged violation recruits from around the country had to do with academics. Assistant hegan listing DUMSL as one of their Coach Ben Harkey has been accused prefened destinations, along with the of writing papers, taking exams and

DUMSL players try their hand at the new sports being considered as replacement sports. The Athletic Department said that with the new sports, DUMSL could potentially be first-ranked nationwide, because no other American universities currently compete in cricket, ... , I'l ~et amh:urting . • - l..."---~==~~::":':"'~~:"':"":~_~

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Stop by The Current Writing Lab (409 SSB) offices at 388 CURRENT HOURS Millennium Student Monday 10:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. Center to pick up a Thesday 10:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. cOlTlplirnentary Wednesday 10:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m .. screening pass for Thursday 10:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m.. tvvo to see Friday 10:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. Saturday CLOSED Sunday 1:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m.

Assitance with all forms of writing problems and assignments Walk-in - FREE of charge - PC computers available. The lab serves undergraduates, graduates, and faculty. No purchase necessary. While supplies last. Passes available on a first-come, first-served basis. Participating sponsors are (Hours suject to change) ineligible, This fitm is rated R for sustained strong stylized violence, nudity and sexual content including dialogue. Page Tentacle When the saints go Marching in ... DJ George spins, busts out phat beats

said. "Nano, that's real big, right?" BY H A ND Low On a recent Saturday before he Toenail Inspectors went on stage at The Infirmary, DJ DEETODATAY, was worried that the wrong music was going to be cued. On anygiven Saturday DJ DEE­ Dressed in baggy starch black blue TODATAY can be found spinning jeans, Toronto Grizzlies baskethall records and hosting open mic nights jersey, goggles and wave cap he fran­ at The Infirmary, a biker bar in Wright tically ran around yelling at techni­ City, Mo, However, \vild nights of cians for supplying the wrong beat boxing and rap sessions are not records. the full story on this prolific and ver­ "How am I going to do my magic satile musician. without my tools? Even a painter" DJ DEETODAJAY is only an needs a brush and paint, my needle is alias of Curious George, DUMSL my brush and my records are my Dictator for Life, a.k.a. Wilfred, a.ka. paint," George yelled at an assistant. Lil' Lovely. When not laying down "So when I say Celine Dion, I mean DOMINATRIX phat beats and smooth rhymes, DJ Celine Dian. What am 1 supposed to DEETODATAY is the titular head of do with War? Damn this is wack." CATHERINE the greatest University in the world, Luckily for the technician lying on THE GREAT DUMSL. the ground with DJ DEETODATAY's S&M Mistress "It's a pretty sweet gig," George foot on his throat, the correct music phone: 516-5174 said. "I've been rolling up this joint was found just in time for the opening for several years now. The pay is of the curtains. DJ DEETODAJAY 516-6811 fax: sweet, the office is great and the opened with a new piece ''North side women, ab, the women, they are like is the best side," an upbeat rousing a fine Swiss goat cheese, they look song to an Ace of Base sample. gcxxi but smell kinda funny." "Music is my game! and DJ is my George said that music takes up name! flowing is my fame! I never ollywood most of his time. feel no shame," the song goes. "It takes a fine craftsman to fine That describes DJ ttme the synthesization of synthesized DEETODAJAY's style, driving hard­ rio offer beats," George said. "But when I have core old school continuously. spare time or am hungry I'll show up "You just gotta keep struggling in at DillvlSL and eat a sandwich or sign this game. Never let up, never relent, FP-~OP some papers. Hey, it's all free." gotta get your message across" The musical genius behind such George said. "I'm just a white man local classics as "On the low down in trying to make it in a black man's rerslon of Flo town" and "Where's my beat, hey world." guys I think I lost my beat," also dap­ "Eminem is the Louis Farakan of hakespeare ples in cruder sciences than musicolo­ the rap world," George said. ''He gy. He has a doctorate in biology and hates everybody. I want to be just like is taking part in nanotechnology hi m. " Jolly Roger! Tbe Stagnant experiments. DJ DEETODAJAY lists many rap . OJ DEETODAJAY, known at DUMSL as King Curious George, throws down some fly beats at a local 'The whole science thing I don't greats as his influences, among them BY C H EEKY M O VIE­ nightclub. The OJ, a.k.a. Wilfred a.k.a. LiI' Lovely, also likes to "Holla at the honeys" in his spare time. understand, As dictator for life, uni­ MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice and those HECKLER versities just throw degrees at you. one guys who did that one song. is trying to find funding to start his of albums and retiring to his yacht watch. All those women shaking their Bard ofAL ;on Groupie Before I knew it I had a degree in In the short term, DJ DEETODA­ own production company. In the long with a harem of women. things and champagne pouring from biology and I am being told I am JAY is going to focus on fine-crafting term, DJ DEETODAJAY plans on "Just like them MTV videos man, fountains," George said. "Don't doing these experiments," George his music and live performances and being discovered and selling millions that's what it's gonna be like, just worry man, I'll let you on the boat." Willi,auL ... Shakespeare's agedy "Othello" is getting a 'resh updating, thanks to 011 ywcxxi mega-stars K -Whoa, an Diesel and Top Cruiser. The Let the healing begin. and not just for bonus points hree stars not only play the lead • • haracters in the movie but they 'ollaborated on the new screen­ B Y B RING D R OTI graphics that rival even television, ending in that Jesus must ultimately die GTAD most definitely will asSUllle the on the Cross, once one beats the game, lay and funded the project them­ Da Godfather elves, role as one of the greatest games ever he or she can start over as Matthew, "For years, it has been obvious conceived and rightly so, since the sto­ Luke, Peter or Judas whose stories are hat the world needed a hip-hop ryline is based on The Greatest Story all different and equally as educational. ersion of Othello," said K­ Since the success of its first version, Ever Tolcl The only mli~ance in the game is that if oa, when asked in a recent "Grand Theft Auto" has been absolute The game begins with a ten minute Jesus is killed (reasons , for death terview with all three produc- in its monopoly in the gaming world. cut-scene that includes the Birth of include premature violent Pharisee and r/stars what had inspired the The latest version, "San Andreas" com­ Christ:, his Baptism by prophet cousin Roman retaliation, failing to battle ovie, Added Top Cruiser "I am bined with the sales of the previous John, and continues right up to the temptation, etc), one must wait three ust glad that an actress of K­ version have set a record with 20 mil­ point when he leaves home to begin his days in order for him to return to life oa's enormous talent and a lion sold. However, the game's violent journey. Gameplay starts here and the and restart at the point of death. espian of Van Diesel's subtlety gameplay, graphics and storyline have life of the Savior now rests in the play­ However, there is a way to get around ere available to breathe life into been the object of media discussion er's hands. Fifteen levels see players this by retrieving a secret time booster 's old play," and controversy since its inception. aid Jesus, from recruiting his twelve in the seventh level where Jesus is in Top Cruiser, who first became ''Rockstar North" has heard the plea of disciples by choosing the right ' Jerusalem and drives out the heinous star in such critically acclaimed concerned Americans and opened a sis­ sequences of conversation, to working bazaar of trading goods, corruption and lovies as "Frisky Business" and ter company called ''RockStarofDavid miracles such as raising Lazarus from cheating on the poor and innocent from 'Top Gunsel," is the one responsi­ North and a little to the Left" the dead and turning water to wine a temple of worship. This is unfortu­ Ie for launching the project. He (RSDNL). Enter RSDNL's maiden based on the amount of experience nately the only help in the entire game ,'ecruited the lovely K-Whoa and production, which will defInitely gained and confidence that the disci­ as the makers have respected the acially-vague Van Diesel for the bridge the gap between religion and the ples have in Jesus. importance of their hero, and his word, oles of Desdemona and Othello. brainwashed GTA minds of yesterday: "A truly awe-inspiring an eye-open­ , by disallowing any cheats, hints or ruiser takes the part of rago. Grand Theology Anno Domini, or ing presentation of a very real person in codes of any sort. This adds to the dif- 'All three of us were concerned GTAD. Christian life. This game is something , ' ficulty and for some, enjoyment of the hat we were not being offered the On release, GTAD will be the the entire family can enjoy, since it not next blockbuster to surge into the . d of high-class, artistic film largest (literally and figuratively) role­ only provides basic entertainment, but homes of gamers nationwide and ,rojects we were longing to do," playing game ever. The story encom­ it teaches the Word and enlightens the worldwide. miser said. "You have to make passes the entirety of the life and pas­ mind through a media that relates to the The official release date according at kind of movie to win an sion of the Christian Faith's once leaders of the next generation," presi­ to RSDNL is none other than Dec. 25, scar these days." In fact, in human Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. dent of RSDNL, G. Zeus Aives said at ' the celebrated birth of the Grand orne sectors of Hollywood, the With breath-taking cut-scenes, endless the official press conference. Theology Anno Domini's valiant hree stars are, shockingly, some­ mini-miracle-working-games and Though it boasts an unconventional champion. Illustration by Bring D Roti aka Captain Morgani The Stagnant . es regarded as merely an aging retty boy, a beefy body builder ed action star and a pop singer lITIed movie star. "Clearly, if we DUMSL student documentary follows alien invasion anted to appear in the kind of a documentary chronicling the alien supposed interest to extra terrestrials. with the planet that invented mind Mirrormax might put out, BROWN-EYED GIRL presence at DUMSL. The alien invaders reportedly believe en we were going to have to do Retail 'Wench games. However, as previously men­ Yes, according to Spiracy, it is true. that a mastery of these subjects helps t ourselves. Otherwise, who tioned, the mind manipulation will be The film asserts that aliens are slowly them "better manipulate the minds of ows how long we would have a last resort. If this tactic fails, the infiltrating DUMSL, and that hey are o wait to win Oscars," added all human kind. " aliens will just do what they do best: ·ese!. ~~~\ taking over student bodies one by one The alien invader says he is mak­ blow everything up. We have all known for some time in an effort to get degrees and take our ing this infoIDlation known' because K -Whoa, Diesel and Cruiser (- ~ Although the alien informant gave that aliens are intrigued by this planet jobs. of the inlmense guilt he feels. worked on crafting the script. up this information, he refused to give and its inhabitants. They have visited Spiracy said that this inforination h also took on additional tasks "After living on this planet for so up any more. (suspenseful music Earth many ' was leaked to her by one of the actual o make their dream project come {('< ~ long, I have fallen in love with its var­ builds). He did not say how much times and alien invaders, who wishes to remain o life. Top Cruiser also served as ~ ious charms: the ocean, the moun­ longer the experiment will last until have left call- 'rector on the new movie, Van anonymous. The invader, who goes tains, J-Lo. I no longer want to take the aliens give up and blow us to bits. ing cards in iesel choreographed the many by the alias "Allie En", sophomore, over your minds and enslave you. I He did not name names, or tell us how the form of ction sequences and K Whoa psychology, said, "This is our silent want us to all live in peace and har­ we can spot these student body invad­ crop circles as in charge of the music and invasion." The invasion began a few mony," he explains. ing aliens. and the Naztec years ago, with only a small number ostume designs. "Besides mak­ This body invasion is the last topic The film finishes with a final warn­ lines of Peru. . of students. Now, said dozens of g important, fresh musical En, covered in the film and the effort on ing, urging students to "beware of that They have even hoices for this story, one of the students that were invaded will be the part of the aliens to take over this business student. Watch what you say gone so far as to graduating this spring. According to t things that had to change planet called Earth. Implanting to that psych major. They could be ... do experiments on ere those names," said K-Whoa, the informant:, schools were picked objects failed. Sending us messages one of them." humans and animals to learn ommenting on the character's because the aliens feed on human through Stonehenge and the position "Among Us: Aliens at DUMSL" how we work. riginal Shakespearean names. intellect. It makes them stronger, and of the pyramids of Egypt failed. leaves the audiences wondering less Connie Spiracy, sopho­ us easier to understand. Throughout Abducting humans and mutilating about the possibility of an invasion more, government intelli­ the film, Spiracy focuses on courses cattle did not even make us flinch. So, and more about what the producer gence, recently produced 'related humanities, anthropology, the audience finds out, it has come was smoking when she came up with see "OH-HELL-NO", page 9 "Among Us: Aliens at DUMSL," business and psychology, all areas of down to this: playing mind games the idea. Marchapalooza Page Eleventy Eight,

Weekly Cartoon • by Ru~yliscious Some people actually pay for classified ads, and we really like their money, so we djdn't Stagnant-fy this section. All the ads lack our bizarre, yet strangely refreshing humor. FYI. . ~. Love, The Stagnant Staff so HOlY WAS so IT WASftfr REAllY S

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BROWN-EYED GIRL Sylvester Stallone, steps away to use ence hears is Renfield screaming in .... R""iiaiiWench the bathroom. When he returns, all of warped, satanic tones, "Master! I wor­ Hope you enjoyed the blood has disappeared, but the ship you! I serve you! I never meant to the show. One last truck remains. betray you!" It is clear to reporters and What happens when you combine "I just don't understand how that jXllice that Renfield never meant to reminder: this is a film, modern media and a legendary much blood could be snatched up in give up Dracula, but that the desire to parody issue, and story that still scares children and five minutes flat," the driver exclaims. eat bugs can easily drive a man over everything in here grown men alike? You get. "VIad ''He must have been some kind of the edge. Dracula," Dementia Films' latest visu­ supernatural being! Adrienne!!" At The police call in a SWAT team and is NOT REAL al masterpiece. Forget all of the other first, police suspect the driver was in ambush Dracula while the vamp is on unless " vampire movies that have lit up the sil­ on the take. After all, how could he not a date with a woman he met at a local otherwise noted. ver screen in the last ten year. VIad will see anything when he was going to the bar. Sean Connery gives an award­ chann any movie goer's pants off, and bathroom behind a bush not ten feet winning performance, as his character Tune in next week the Chemistry between he and his away from the truck? However, after goes through an experience of both re­ for slightly-possessed cohort is tear-induc­ extensive interrogation, police learn birth and re-undeath. His grasp of The Current's ing and truly touching. that the driver is purely dumb, not vampiral regret and inhuman disap­ We begin our journey when the guilty. pointment builds a strange sympathy regularly scheduled thief behind the blood drive robbery Authorities are able to track down for him. programming! has been 'captured and revealed as the thief thanks to an anonymous tip, Dracula is to be charged with Vlad Dracula, the 15th century an advanced GPS network and 50,000 counts of robbery, and is facing Don't count Dracula out. You may have thought his movie career ROmanian ruler, played by Sean MacGuyver. The caller tells jXllice that up to five centuries in prison. Mr. Van was over, but he's back with another blood-dripping crowd pleas­ Connery. "Oh, like you were all sur­ Dracula's servant, Renfield, will lead HeIsing, the prosecuting attorney, is er. prised," Dracula says to a reporter out­ police to the thief. The police follow confident in his case. side of the police station. "I am a blood Renfield, who is returning from a day '1 will send Mr. Dracula, this vile turned lawyer played by Billy Crystal, Countess Elizabeth Bathory (Queen thirsty warrior. Vat did you expect?" at the butterfly house, and pull him thief, to prison. I don't care what it will be defending Dracula, and is con­ Latifah), who is wanted in Hungary The theft took place after an all-day over on a routine traffic stop. Officers takes." '"The Bloodbank Files," the fident in his client's innocence. "He's for kidnapping virgin maidens in her blood drive at a Burbank. Cal. studio. notice empty blood bags in the back­ sequel to "VIad Dracula" is set for suffering from dementia, the poor village, slaughtering them, and then The blood drive ends late at night, and seat, and take Renfield in for question­ release in July. At the end of the first man," Frankenstein growls. ''He didn't bathing in their blood. Interestingly, volunteers, played by several big ing. After being interrogated for a few film, a determined Dracula looks for- . realize what he was doing. He needs to throughout the first film, Vlad Dracula names, including AI Pacino, Johnny hours, Renfieid gives up his master ward to his judgement day. "I defeated be helped, not punished." does not look a day over twenty. This Depp, Jay Leno and Elmo, load 50,000 ~r being denied insects to eat The the Turks," he said. '1 think a few A film trailer for "The Bloodbank piece of art is a must-see, and it will units into a truck. The driver, played by screen focuses in on the stark interro­ jurors and a judge will be no problem." Files" indicates that Dracula my be leave you dying for more. talented, but naturally dim-witted gation room lights, and all the audi- Dr. Frankenstein, the mad scientist working working closely with

"OH-HELL-NO", from page 10 ------~ ...------,------.-. ------... ~-.-..

Top Cruiser, who has been called a streets of New Jersey, where drug lord little to do with Shakepeare's play and stars is also hoping the movie sets Cruiser. K-Whoa disagreed. "Clearly, world. "control freak" by some in the indus­ Oh-belJ-no and his beautiful and fiery retains none of the language. 'The box-office records as well, allowing Devastating is the real central star of About the unprecedented number try who have observed his preference girlfriend Devastating rule over the story is a little bit different from them to recoup the three billion they the movie. Without her beauty and . of screens for the movie's opening for total control of his film projects, underworld with iron fists. All is gold Shakespeare's original, but that is to spent on it. strong personality, they never would weekend, Cruiser slyly remarked was not only a natural for the role of jewelry and leather-upholstered be expected when you adapt such an Not everything went smoothly in have been able to infiltrate the Ninja ''Both K-Whoa and I have some pull director but insisted on it as a deal Hummers until Oh-bell-no's right old and out-of -date story for a modem production of the new potential block­ hideout." Van Diesel, however, tended in the Hollywood business communi­ breaker. '1 just want everything to be hand man, l-said-so, uncovers a plot movie." Top Cruiser said. ''For one buster. The stars clashed over lighting to stay out of the whole debate and ty, so we used some of those contacts done right for this project," Cruiser by a secret society of terrorist Ninjas thing, my character, the one called and camera angles and there were appeared satisfied with his somewhat to increase the number of screens said. Diesel, who was expected to to kidnap the President. Suddenly, the rago in the play, was actually a bad heated exchanges over which charac­ reduced role. "I get to do some great available to us," It was also rumored handle the messier parts of the action country's only hope lies with Oh-hell­ guy in the original. Obviously, that ter was the real star of the movie. The stunts and have some great shots that Cruiser, who belongs to the mys­ sequences, was pleased to be in charge no and his gangstas. would never work for this project." As most fiery disputes were between where I glare at the camera with a terious Church of See-what-we-can­ of planning the action sequences. "As "New In New Jersey Action" was for Shakespeare's own words being director/star Top Cruiser and leading smoldering look. Planning out the do, appealed to members of his church much as Top also looks good on cam- another name Cruiser considered for discarded, Top Cruiser responded, lady K-Whoa, who differed on action sequences was a whole lot of to help secure a big opening for the i era, he gave me a lot of freedom to the title. ''I'm not sure why that "All that formal language is just not whether the lead character should be fun. Besides, I was relieved not to movie. "Some of our friends made plan these sequences. I just feel so occurred to me," he said. that important for the Bard's work. the fiery, beautiful Devastating or the have to memorize all those lines any­ them an offer they couldn't refuse." honored to be a part of this high-qual­ Reportedly, some fans of What matters is the action." bn1liant, handsome I-said-so. "If it way." Diesel added, with his signature The film's stars are anticipating the ity production anyway," said Diesel Shakespeare are horrified that the stars The newly released movie contains wasn't for I-said-so uncovering the winning smile. biggest box office opening weekend with a shy smile. insist that "Oh-hell-no" be labeled as the world's largest number of explo­ Ninja plot, there would be no story. He "Oh-hell-no" is opening this in history. 'This is going to be bigger The new hip-hop version, called an adaptation of Shakespeare's great sions, as verified by the Guinness is the brains behind Oh-hell-no and Friday in every multiplex in America, than Titanic, and just as big a hit with "Oh-hell-no," takes place in the mean play. They point out that the story has Book of Records. The film's trio of the efforts to save the President," said and also in movie theaters around the critics as Citizen Kane," Cruiser said.

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