University of Missouri, St. Louis IRL @ UMSL Current (2000s) Student Newspapers 3-28-2005 Current, March 28, 2005 University of Missouri-St. Louis Follow this and additional works at: http://irl.umsl.edu/current2000s Recommended Citation University of Missouri-St. Louis, "Current, March 28, 2005" (2005). Current (2000s). 253. http://irl.umsl.edu/current2000s/253 This Newspaper is brought to you for free and open access by the Student Newspapers at IRL @ UMSL. It has been accepted for inclusion in Current (2000s) by an authorized administrator of IRL @ UMSL. For more information, please contact [email protected]. VOLUME 37 March 28, 2005 Your sourCf! for campus sensationalism See page 8 Faculty get undressed ... THECURRENTONLlNE.COM .....................................................UNIVERSITV OF MISSOURI - ST. LOUIS " .I I Lake Jackson named vice chancellor of day care creature 'Michael volunteered to work for free ... how could we turn that down?' Chancellor explains devours BY HACKLEBERRY FINN said. ''! wouldn't come either, but I snacks, including some type of reli­ "Jackson wants the kids to have Okay, that's a lie, but he's my boss, have to keep an eye on Mr. Jackson gious drink. Warm milk and sleeping fun at the daycare. He wants the kids now. What am I supposed to say?" Dolphin-Safe to stop him doing anything stupid. pills will also be served to children to enjoy the same privileges that he One student who could care less I'm running out of excuses for him." during naptime, and Jackson will had when he was a child," Jackson's shared her opinion. "I think it's a student DUMSL King Curious George's George will be present to read sensuous lawyer said, "Except the privilege of great idea," Anna Banana, junior, decision to appoint singer Michael announce the grand opening of the bedtime stories. trial by jury." adult movie education, said, Jackson as the new vice chancellor daycare and will preside over the The daycare also Students have resorted to protests "Although I don't actually have any D-average junior of daycare has stirred a controversy ribbon cutting. "I like being king," promises to offer against the singer coming to campus. kids myself. But if I did ... well, I among students and parents at the George said. ''! get to use big scis­ children an exer- An angry mob assembled outside the probably still wouldn't send my kids wasn't really going university. sors a lot around here." cise program, Miraculous Spa and Cabaret there. But don't let me discourage The daycare, which will be Michael Jackson is scheduled to where Jackson Building shouting obscenities and other parents from doing so." . anywhere, anyway known as the Never-Leave-Your­ make an appearance and perlorm will teach kids throwing food at George. One stu­ Jackson is expected to start his. Kids-Here-Ranch, will be available ''Billie Jean," which contain lyrics how to moon­ dent held a sign that read, ''No Glove job at DUMSL on Monday, April 4 . BY KATE DROOLS to student parents at DUMSL begin­ that have taken on a whole new walk. Will Touch The Children We Love!" unless Superior Court Judge Rodney ning April!. Jackson Queen Mum meaning recently. This will be fol­ Jackson was Jackson's appointment has the S. Melville interleres. The opening ceremonies for the New vice lowed by a Michael Jackson look unavailable for support of some personnel. Lisa Kia, "Students can protest all. they daycare will start at 8 a.m. April 1, chancellor A cool breeze ripples the water. alike contest, where the winner will comment on his daycare coordinator, said, "Mr. want, but it doesn't matter because I and the turnout is expected to be Gentle waterfowl preen. A few stu­ receive free purple pajamas and a other. plans for the daycare, but his Jackson is a fine choice to lead a just cover my ears and sing la, la, la, pathetic, maybe one or two people at dents glance at the reflective pools on new nose. lawyer did say that Jackson wishes daycare center. I don't care what the la, la, la, la," George said. "Michael the most. their way to class. To onlookers, The daycare is expected to pro­ to create a safe and secure atmos­ critics say. I cannot think of anybody Jackson is comiligwhether you like "I don't blame people for not DUMSL's expensive, tranquil land­ vide children with plenty of healthy phere for the children. better to run a daycare than him. it or notl" . wanting to come," Jackson's lawyer scape seems quietly serene. In a recent unfortunate accident, Gonzo McSpadden dis­ covered that evil actually lurks Baseball coach to move New beneath the still swface. McSpadden, from poolside office junior, animal online husbandry, fell Creature victim to the lake Scary, dangerous Department decides baseball coach deserves monster that has courses taken up residence at DUMSL. some fresh air, in shed near soccer field According to eyewitness reports McSpadden, known by friends as the BY JOLLY ROGER said. "That pool room almost ruined "goose whisperer," decided to inter­ Roya/Pain my love life, because my wife offered act with a pair of mating Canadians almost couldn't bear to smell me around 6 p.m. last night Head baseball coach Slim Shady every day." "He just bought the Underwater has a new office to settle into, after One thing does concern the Honkmaster Goose Call 6000 this Public speaking, his former poolside office was coach, however. the office appears week," Willow Hl!gger, junior. reclaimed as a storage room foqx)()l to be booby4rapped. foliage counseling, McSpadden's physical education supplies. The athletic department has ''When I came in here for the first girlfriend, said, weeping. "He had moved the coach to a temporary time the baseball pitching machine shed behind the Mark Twain facility. was parked just across from the now available see CREATURE, page 5 Athletic Director Bat Droolan entrance," the coach recalled. said the move was unrelated to the "Apparently there was a string I ay BusTY ROCK.R - ...... ~-- -- -. - .... -....- --.--...... - ~ - coach's recent multi-million dollar must have pulled when I opened the Barely Managing court victory against the University. door, because I almost got my head Name change '''The coach told us that he want­ taken off by a ball lobbed at me." Next semester more courses than ed some fresh air after spending so The coach said he has found rusty ever will be offered online. Among much. time next to the pool, so we nails sticking up through his office the courses that have been converted gave him the best that we could chair, an explosive bobble-head doll prompts SGA to online instruction are public speak­ afford," said Droolan. of Barry Bonds and even an iron ing, television studio production and The windowless, corrugated-steel anvil perched above his door. various physical education courses. shed is indeed roomier than the ''Whoever did this really must The University decided to move to fue lawsuit coach's previous office. However, have been watching a whole lot of these classes online because of the the majority of the space is taken up cartoons to come up with this stuff," high enrollment in several other by the fertilizer stored for the soccer Shady said BY HACKLEBERRY FINN online courses. An overwhelming field and the equipment required for Droolan denies any knowledge of .... - -- Pe~dl P:;;;be:,.· number of students said it would be the upkeep of the baseball fields. a conspiracy to humiliate or elimi­ "neato" if they could attend all their A wall of chain-link fence sepa­ nate the coach. However, a janitor at classes from the comfort of their The Sexy Goober Association rates the coach's office from the the athletic building who spoke on home. sued the Canada geese on campus accumulated supplies, and a single, the condition of anonymity said that "I would just love to be able to Friday over the fowl's decision to call bare-bulbed light illuminates the he, a 5'6" caucasian male with short Mike Elikesitl The Cummt have all online courses," Mickey their new organization the Stupid coach's space. brown hair, green eyes, and a ·tattoo Athletics found this cozy spot for baseball head coach Slim Mouse, junior, cooking, said "I Geese Assembly. "At least I don't have to come Shady. The office, inside a shed near the soccer fields, will would never have to learn anything Campus geese have organized to home smelling like chlorine," Shady see BASEBALL COACH, page 5 replace Shady's old office next to the DUMSL pool. do something that involves, well, ever again. After all, who really does the work for these online courses?" honestly, I was not really paying ._ --- _ .. - - - attention during the interview. Administrators decided to move However, reportedly, a goose rep­ the public speaking course online resentative announced Wednesday after too many students complained that the geese club wanted to change DUMSL's newest parking lot is a mere five miles away about the in-class version. ReconI.s their name from the Geese Against show that several hundred students Nagging Griping Students (GANGS) made complaints that the class was just too nerve-wracking for them and to the Stupid Geese Assembly. BY MISSY DITZV what's another two more?" In response to the announcement:, Chargeumore said. "For those who that speaking in front of people was Sexy Goober President Scottish Blond and Bubbly do not appreciate the quality of "not their thing." Boob had something to say about the exercise, we have designed two .