Anto n C hekh ov

(1860 - 1904)

AN IM PRESSIO N

T may be more than mere accident that in the history of modern literature so many men of talent have turned from the ’ practice of medicine to the profession of letters . The physician s office is largely a place of confession and his mind a focus gather ing the light of human experiences from every angle . These,

as l c if he is a man of imagination we l as of scien e , he is prompted fl fiction to re ect through the lens of . k w Though Anton Che hov as a physician by training, (hav fr m 18 84 ing been graduated o the Moscow University in , at the

- age of twenty four) he was a writer by preference . The wide knowledge gained from his medical studies an d practice, coupled with the fact that h is father was a peasant by birth and

- a city shop keeper by occupation , must have contributed in great measure to th e wide scope of his art . American readers are by this time fairly well acquainted with Chekhov as a writer of many-sided interests and the posses ss sor of a style that has been called the best since de Maupa ant . ’ h as s One phase of the great Russian s work, however, thu far is been largely neglected ; his humorous vein . This all the more s ll surprising becaus e the Chekhov of. the humorous tale natura y ul prompts comparison with our own 0 . Henry, although it wo d be un fair to both writers to extend the comparison too far . l Many of the tales of Chekhov, in their technique , resemb e l R s an unframed picture, the bound ess wastes of the us ian steppe ’ s l . in miniature , whi e 0 Henry s tales, on the other hand, at time — n contain more frame than picture , the narrow ess of the me AN INSPIRATION

'a er r skysci p t opolis lined on either side by skyscrapers . Yet over and steppe alike reposes that same heaven into which each In h is

i s own way has given us a gl mp e . first O f the tales chosen for in clusion in this volume the two resemble most closely the type of story generally associated in the public mind with the name of 0 . Henry . They are told

z s s and end with with that same bree ines , that same crispne s, “ ” ’ that same punch as characterize the American s work . The “ sa d un dercurrent of a story like Her Gentleman Friend is “ likewise not altogether foreign to our native writer . Who Was ” is s -l k ll She ? perhaps , the most Maupa sant i e story in the co ee “ F l tion, while Such Is ame strikes a note that is pecu iar to “ ” R i an al the ussian h mself. In stories like The Sc d Monger, “ ” ” h ’ m Carelessness and Overspiced, Chek ov s hu or seems to display a gentle humanity beneath the surface of the action ; he “ hl s l i L is here not so much a deat e s Puck who exc a ms ord, what ” fools th ese mortals be l as one of our very own who laughs “ ” l w I is Lord, what foo s e mortals be If Chekhov more humanly l - i se f reveal ng than de Maupassant, he is on the whole more deep than 0 . Henry . If 0 Henry may be called the Am erican Chek “ un hov with a p ch, Chekhov may equally be termed the Rus sian 0 . Henry with a caress .

A W o rk of A rt

O LDING un in der his arm an object wrapped a newspaper, s m l his Sa ha S irnov, the on y son of mother, walked nerv ousl office K h lk y into the of Doctor os e ov . ‘ l c ai c r Wel , my dear boy, ex l med the do tor wa mly, how do ’ ” you feel to-day ? Wh at s the good news ? as S ha began to blink with his eyes, put his hand over his heart, and stammered nervously “ M m y mother sends her regards and begs e to thank you . ’ am an d I my mother s only son, you have saved my life .

an You have cured me of a terrible disease and . . d we both ” hardly know how to thank you . “ r us it in Come, come, my young f iend, let not speak of , “ terr te d all s . up the doctor, liter y melting with plea ure I have an c ul only done what ybody else in my pla e wo d have done . ‘ am o l I the only son of my mother . We are po r peop e and consequently we are not in a position to pay you for your a r s trouble . . and it m kes it very emba rassing for u , Doctor ; s I am nl although both of u , mother and , who the o y son of my t us mother, beg of you o accept from , as a token of our gratitude ,

hic ul this object w h . . is an object of rare worth , a wonderf

z masterpiece in antique bron e .

The doctor made a grimace . ” Wh . y, my dear friend, he said, it is entirely unnecessary ’ ” I don t need this in the least . “ ” ! s . I ao Oh, no, no stammered Sa ha beg of you, please cept it i He began to unwrap the bundl e , continu ng his entreaties in the meantime “ s ff If you do not accept thi , you will o end both my mother 11 1 2 HUMOROUS TALES

n a nd . . a myself . This is a very rare work of art antique bronze . It is a relic left by my dead father . We have been s tO prizing it as a very dear remembrance . My father u ed

z s buy up bron e antique , selling them to lovers of old statuary

An d now we continue in the same business, my mother and ” myself. Sasha undid the package and enthusias tically placed it on the table . z It was a low candelabrum of antique bron e, a work of real art representing a group ! O n a pedestal stood two figures of women clad in the costume of Mother Eve and in poses that I have neither the audacity nor the temperament to describe . These figures were smiling coquettishly and in general gave one the s h l impres ion that, were it not for t e fact that they were ob iged

-s c l r to support the candle ti k, they woul d eap down from thei a r m r a pedest l and exhibit a perfo mance which . . y dea re der, I am even asham ed to think of it !

W s h is hen the doctor espied the present, he lowly scratched head, cleared his throat and blew his nose . “ c l Yes, indeed, a very pretty pie e of work, he mumb ed — I i — I a . . un But, how shall say t not quite . . me n rather

c l . . i kn o a t ? . . . nvention not a bit literary, is You ow the n devil k ows . l ‘ 7 , Wh y ? Beelzebub himself could not have conceived anything more ul ugly . Sho d I place such a phantasmagoria upon my table I would pollute my entire home ! ” “ ” Why, Doctor, what a strange c onception you have of art ! “ c as ff ried S ha in o ended tones . This is a real masterpiece . Just look at it ! Such is its harmonious beauty that just to con template it fills the soul with ecstasy and makes the throat choke down a sob ! When you see such lovelin ess you forget all earthly

s . ! ust o it ! thing lo k at What life , what motion, wh at ex pression ANTON CHEKHOV 13

I i e a i qu t underst nd all th s, my dear boy, interrupted the

. I em m doctor But a arried man . Little children run in is r di ’ and out of th oom and la es come here continua lly. O f ” ‘ e, S s ii l cours said a ha, you ook at it through the eyes l of the rabb e, you see this noble ma sterpiece in an entirely dif fe n re t . l o all D to light But you certain y are ab ve that, oc r, and especially when your refusal to accept this gift will deeply ofi end both my mother and myself, who am the only son of my mother . You have saved my life . . and in return we give you s our dearest po session . . and . . my only regret is that we are l ” unab e to give you the mate to this candelabrum . “ ha s a T nk , friend, m ny thanks . Remember me to your ’ Y e mother and . But for God s sake ! ou can see for yours lf, ’ can t ? L l il e run hi and you itt e ch dr n in and out of t s room, ’ l di al ! s . l e a e come here continu ly However, eave it her There s no use arguing with you. “ ’ s Don t say another word exclaimed Sasha joyou ly . Put l B ’ the cande abrum right here , next to the vase . y ! ove, but it s ’ a pity that I haven t got the mate to this to give you . But it ’ ” c l ll - ! an t be he ped . We , good bye, Doctor After the departure of Sasha th e doctor looked for a long n time at the candelabrum a d scratched his head. “ ” ‘ t . It l This is beautiful, all righ , he thought wou d be a pity Hm l I it . . to throw it away . And yet dare not keep Now who in the world is there to whom I can present or donate it ? ”

h is After long deliberation he hit upon a good friend of , the

was l al s. lawyer Ukhov, to whom he indebted for eg service “ ” “

i . l Fine ! chuckled th e doctor. Be ng such a c ose friend of

I a n e ll ofi er I ll his, c n ot v ry we him money, and so wi give him ’ man this piece of indecency instead . And he s just the for ” l . it . . sing e, and somewhat of a gay bird, too s l the No sooner thought than done . Dressing him e f, doctor

took the can delabrum and went to the home of Ukhov. 14 HUMOROUS TALES

” o ! . I Good morning, old chap he said have c me here to ll not thank you for your trouble . . You wi take money, and I t will therefore repay you by presentin g you with this exquisi e ’ ” s ? masterpiece . Now say for your elf, isn t it a dream As soon as the lawyer caught sight of it he was exhilarated with its bea uty . ” “ s Wh at a wonderful work of art ! he laughed uproa riou ly . Y s ! e gods , what conceptions arti ts will get into their heads ” What alluring charm ! Where did you get this little dandy ? But now h is exhilaration had oozed away and he became i l frightened . Look ng stealthi y toward the door, he said “ ’ an t c it But, I c a cept , old chap You must take it right ” back . “ ” Why ? asked the doctor in alarm .

e . . . m c B cause because . y mother often visits me , my lients e s come here . . and besides, I would b di graced even in the eyes of my servants . “ ’ ” Don t say another word I cried th e doctor gesticulating i wildly . You simply have got to accept t ! It would be rank ingratitude for you to refu se it ! Such a masterpiece ! What l fi end if motion, what expression . You will great y o me you don ’t take it “ If r - only this we e daubed over or covered With fig leaves . s n But the doctor refu ed to listen to him . Gesticulati g even ’ l v in more wild y, he ran out of Ukh o s hous e, happy the thought that he was rid of the present . Wh en the doctor was gone the lawyer care fully examined the

' c o andelabrum, and then, just as the doct r had done , he be gan to c wonder what in the world he oul d do with it. “ ” “ l c A very beautifu obje t, he thought . It is a pity to throw ul I it away, and yet it is disgracef to keep it. had best pre sent it ’ ’ to someone . I ve got it This very evening I m going to i Sh shkin o . c g ve it to the comedian The ras al loves such things , is benefit i and besides, this his n ght . ANTON CHEKHOV 1 5

- No sooner thought than done . That afternoon the well packed candelabrum was brought to the comedian S h oshkin . That whole evening the dressing-room of the comedian Shosh kin was besieged by men who hastened to inspect the present . An d during all that time the room reechoed with hilarious laugh o ter which m st closely resembled the neighing of horses . “ If s a any of the actre ses approached the door and s id, May ” I enter ? the hoarse voice of S h oshkin was immediately heard to reply “ ’ no Oh, no, , my darling, you mustn t ! I am not dressed

e u s l s After the performanc the comedian shr gged his hou der , gesticul ated with his hands and said ! “ Now what in the world am I to do with this ? I live in a private apartment ! I am often visited by actresses ! And this ’ ” isn t a photograph that one could c onceal in a drawer ! “ ’ ” Why don t you sell it ? suggested the wig maker There is c r z s a e tain old woman who buys up antique bron e . Her name ’ is Smirnova . You had better take a run over there ; they ll show you the place all right, everybody knows her .

The comedian followed his advice . Kosh elkov h is a Two days later , his head supported on h nd , was sitting in his office and concocting pills . Suddenly the door H l was opened and into the oflice rush ed Sasha . e was smi ing his radiantly and his breas t heaved with joy . In hands he held something wrapped in a newspaper . “ ” ! Doctor ! he cried breathl essly. Imagine my joy As luck ’ it I ve would have , just succeeded in getting the mate to your ca ndelabrum ! Mother is so happy ! I am the only son of my mother . You have saved my life And S i u ss r asha, qu vering with thankf lne and raptu e , placed h is a candelabrum before the doctor . The latter opened mouth, as if about to say something, but uttered not a word ” His power of speech wa s gone . Venge a nc e

YEV a itch Turmanov z S vv , a worthy citi en who possessed a

c nice little fortune, a ni e little wife , and a nice little bald was n spot on his head, celebrati g the birthday of one of his us ff r fri ends with a game of cards . After a strenuo e o t which

l c l covered his forehead with perspiration, he sudden y re o lected r that he and the bottle had been strangers fo quite a long time . H s e e ro e and, balancing himself on his tipto s between the tables, went into the guest room where the youngsters were da ncing . Here he smiled graciously and with a fatherly caress l he patted the shou ders of a youn g skinny druggist, slipping forthwith through a little door which led into the dining room . O n a little round table in this room stood bottles an d glas ses with Among other refreshments he spied a plate contain a ing h lf a herring alluringly decorated with onions and parsley . L ev S avvitch filled as y a glass , made a gesture though about to deliver a speech, emptied the glass and made a wry face . Then

r i s nl he jabbed the he r ng with the fork and . But udde y he c i overheard voi es beh nd the wall . ‘ ’ r Ve y well, spoke a woman s voice , but when ? ” L ev S a vvitch z My wife, said y to himself, recogni ing the “ ” I wonder whom she is ta lking to ? ” Whenever you desire, replied a deep and heavy bass .

Today it is not convenient, tomorrow I shall be busy the W hole day . “ s is Dent a rev L ev Thi j , thought y recognizing the bass “ h i r s . Et r ! h as voice of f iend tu, B ute And so she caught you, ? B ! ’ too, in her net y ove , nothing seems to satisfy her . I ve never seen such a restless woman in my life ! Not a single day can she live through without her little romance 1 6 ANTON CHEKHO V 17

, I l Yes tomorrow sha l be busy, continued the heav bass y . Wha t do you say to writin g me a little note ? That will give me

great pleasure . But we must introduce some system into our ’ ’ o e ’ c rr spondence . if t find Let s see we can some way . It isn t a l e bit safe to send our ett rs through the mail. Your turkey is l l iab e to intercept our correspondence in that way. And when

you write to me, my wife might sometimes open the letter in my se ab nce, and then ‘ h all W at sh we do, then ? ’ ve find m ’ We got to so e way, It won t do to send them n through a serva t, for your lobster of a husband is surely watch in ’ g the se rvants I wonder wheth er he s still at that game of ” cards ! “ ” a nd l l s Yes, he a ways o es, too, the big boob l ” He s l Den mu t be ucky in love, then, laughed tj arev . s e l l l I ’ . ve Now, li t n, my itt e gir ie hit upon a plan . O n my way ’ from the ofiice tomorrow at six o clock I pas s by the Public Gar I am e I . And I O den where to me t the Inspector , sweetheart, a a s l six w nt you to man ge ju t a ittle before , but not later, to plac e a note for me in the marble vase that stands to the left of th e - ‘ grape vine arbor. Do you know the place I mean 3

Certainly I do. ll al That wi be poetic and mysterious and unique . And in this way neither your wooden-headed meal ticket nor my old i ‘ shrew Will know anything about t. Do you understand I Lyev S aw itch emptied another glass and returned to the game . The discovery which he had just made did not surprise

h is al H him ; it did not even arouse je ousy or anger . e had long outgrown the habit of scoldin g and fuming and raging and even

hi He occasionally beating s wife for her misbehavior. had long ago given up all hope and nowadays he merely looked through his ’ fingers at his wife s romantic vagaries . And yet he was now feel l -l ing uncomfortab e . His pride and self ove were touched to the 18 HUMOROUS TALE S

‘ elations o quick at such app as bo b , lobster, and wooden headed meal ticket . ‘ ’ Ye Dent arev l gods, what a blackguard this j is he thought h as he marked down his score . W en he meets me in the street he pretends to be a good friend, grinning and patting me in the belly ; and yet see what he can do behind my back . When he ’ s I m al s be peaks to me man to man, his friend, and when he t k ’

1 ! I m l . hind my back, 0 and behold a boob and a obster l h And the more he ost at the game, the more indignant e felt . ‘ ’ i l ” Why, his mother s milk is st l wet on his lips, he thought, “ ’ crush ing in his rage the piece of chalk which he held . He s i l a I noth ng but a ittle snipe . If it were not for the f ct that ’ l n I ’ wou d t condescend to slap his face, d show him what a wood en-headed meal ticket can do At supper he was unable to look Dentjarev straight in the face, although the latter seemed as if on purpose determined to n an oy him with his questions . Had he won or lost ? Wh y was he ’ sad ? an d H l L v s so so forth . e even had the nerve to sco d ye wife ’ sufficientl ul for not being y caref of her husband s health . And l his wife , as though nothing had happened, ooked at her husband nn with buttery eyes, chatting so i ocently and laughing so gen uinely that the devil himself coul d not have accused her of faith lessness . An d L when he came home, yev S avvitch felt angry and dis sa tisfi ed , as though he had eaten old rubbers instead of veal for s He upper . might have made an effort to forget the whole inci ’ dent were it not for his wife s laughter and prattle which re l minded him every minute of the boob , the obster, the wooden l headed mea ticket . “ n l w l ” h I should have pu ched him in the jaw, that o ife, e “

. R thought ight in front of everybody .

And he pictured to himself how nice it would be to th rash Dent ar j ev, all o or to ch enge him and sho t him like a bird . It l ’ wou dn t be a bad idea to make him los e his job . O r perhaps ANTON CHEKHOV 19

l it wou d be best to put some disgusting object into the marble

as , s v e something with a na ty smell, a dead rat for instance . Perhaps he might abscond his wife ’s letter and put in its place a “ ” ill u Akul ka s y poem signed Yo r y , or something else of that sort . F l or a ong time he paced through his bed room cooling his a r ge with these reveries . Suddenly he stopped and slapped his forehead . “ ’ o a la Ho r y, I ve got it he exc imed, beaming with joy. This is a wonderful idea ! Excellent 1 f ll l When his wi e fe as eep, he sat down near the ta ble and l l after ong de iberation, disguising his handwriting and purposely

r committing a number of e rors, he penned the following ! “ D in To the Merchant ul ov .

Dere Sir . I l twelvth S f up to six oc ock dis evenin, the of ep al tember, you f e to put two hundred dollars inter the l z i i marb e va e Wich is s tua ted in the Public Garden, just

l - ll to the eft of the graip vine arber, you wi be a dead

ma n - and your dry gudes store will be blown up . i mi L ev enthus And signing th s ssive, y S avvitch jumped up iastically . “ ’ Isn t this a wonderful plan ? he growled rubbing his mm s l ! B eelze hands together . I en e, even if I do say so myse f bub himself couldn ’t have hit upon a happier idea ! It is quite certain that th e store -keeper Dulinov will get so scared that he An ll l will immediately notify the police . d they wi sure y send a number of detectives who will hide themselves among the bushes ’ A l Dent a rev his l and watch . t six o c ock, when j comes for etter, h — ’ they will nab t e poor bloke, and by Jove, won t he get pepper ’ ! and r t is to smell He ll be scared blue, befo e every hing l o ol a s c eared up, the rascal will get a go d chance to co his morou L ev ardor in jail . An d it will serve him right, too . Bravo, y S avvitch 20 HUMOROUS TALE S

s H e put a stamp on the envelope and going down tairs deposited it hims elf in the letter box .

He fell asleep with a radiant smile playing upon his lips .

dl . For many a long night had he not slept so sweetly and so soun y When he awoke in the morning and recalled his plan he felt so happy that he actually began to purr and even went so far as to flirt with his faithless wife . offi ce O u his way to work and later, while sitting in his , he ’ kept smiling to himself as he pictured Dentj arev s terror on find ing himself c aught in the trap . ’ Toward six o clock he could restrain himself no longer and ran to the Public Garden in order to witness with his own eyes the downfall of his enemy . “ i a i . Ah a he thought, seeing a policem n in the v cin ty Arriving at the well-known arbor he sat down behind a tree fix in a and, g his sharp , stern eyes upon the vase , aw ited the r He i arrival of Dentj a ev . sat as if on p ns and needles in his impatience . r Precisely at six Dentj a ev appeared . The young man was evidently in a very good humor . His silk hat encircled his head

c h is n at a oquettish angle , and through u buttoned coat his very H soul seemed to glitter together with his vest . e was smoking a cigar and whistling a merry tune . “ ’ s Now, you big slob , I ll how you who is a lobster and a “ - c c ck Turmanov wooden headed meal ti ket hu led . You just wait ! ” Dentj arev approached the vase and languidly put his hand L h fix it . ev S a vvitc l e im into y ha f rose and d his eyes upon h . l The young man took a tiny package out of the vase , careful y examined it on all sides and shrugged his shoulders . Then he th e a undid pack ge , shrugged his shoulders again and opened his mouth in astonishment ; the package contained two brand new n one hu dred dollar bills . Dent a rev F j looked long at these bills . inally, shrugging his

H e r G entleman Friend

I or HARM NG Vanda, , as she was named in her passport , K na kina r the honorable citizeness Nastasia a v , found he self,

upon her discharge from the hospital, in a position worse

k w ! i than1 any she had ever no n w thout lodgings and without a d ? kopek . What was to be one s Her fi rst thought was the pawn hop . Thither she went “ ” pawning her turquoise ring, the one valuable she possessed . can ? For the ring she received a rouble . But . . what a ruble buy — For such a sum one can purchase neither an up-to date short

c c - ja ket, nor a pi ture hat, nor gold colored slippers ; and without these articles she felt just as though she were naked . It seemed s to her that not only the people she pa sed, but even the horses and the dogs stared at her and poked fun at the simplicity of her l il o clothes . She thought only of her toi et, wh e the matter of fo d and shelter gave her not the sligh test concern . “ ’ If I should only meet a gentleman friend, she thought . I d ask him for a small loan . Nobody would refus e me , for . n But no gentlema friends came her way. It woul d not have “ difiicult fin d R ai been to some that evening at the en ssance, but “ ” they surely would not adm it her into th e Renaissance in her n plai garb and without a hat . What was she to do ?

sh e r al After long hesitation, when had wea ied of w king, sit a ting and meditating, V nda resolved to try the last recourse to walk right into the apartment of one of her men friends and ask him for money . ” s o ? sh But whom hall I g to e debated . Not to Misha ’ ’ t — r that wouldn do he s ma ried and has a family . And the - is ffi red headed old fellow at his o ce now . F The dentist inkel came to her mind . He was a converted 22 ANTON CHEKHOV 23

! ew t , who, hree months before, had presented her with a brace “ let ” h ; once at a supper in the German club, she ad poured l A . t i l a g ass of beer over his pate thought of this F nke , Vanda z w was sei ed ith frightful delight . ’ He ll certa inly give me something if I only fin d him at “ I f home she thought, on the way to the dentist . he ’ ’ I ll all doesn t, smash his lamps for him . By the time she had reached the doctor ’s door her plan was

ll r l ! fu y fo mu ated she would run up the steps with laughter, ’ burst into the dentist s private office and request twenty-five l roub es . But when she stretched her hand toward the bell l hi w the p an vanished into t n air, as if by magic ! Vanda as sud denl z — y sei ed with fright, someth ing that h ad never happened

. h ad l l to her She been bo d and impudent, on y in tipsy company ; c but now, in ommon clothes, in the role of an ordinary beggar was l l who not even presentable, she fe t embarras sed and ow spirited . Shame and fear overwhelmed her . “ l Perhaps he has a ready forgotten me . she thought,

i can wh le she summoned the courage to pull the bell . And how I approach him in this garb ? Like a beggar or some shabby

- shop girl . l l And hesitant y sh e pulled the be l .

Behind th e door sounded footsteps ; it was the doorkeeper. ” Is the doctor in t she asked. Now she would have felt far better if the doorkeeper should “ ” l led answer No . But instead of a reply he simp y her into the vestibule and helped her remove her coat . l x l The staircase semed wonderfully u urious to her, but of al this luxury her eye was first struck by a tall mirror in which she

a n u - - a beheld a disgraceful object without p to date j cket, without

- l a picture hat and without gold colored s ippers . And it seemed h was and stran ge to Vanda that, now t at she so poorly clad ai z looked like a seamstress or a washerwoman, she was ag n sei ed 24 HUMOROUS TALES

l with a feeling of shame ; she possessed none of her former bo d a ness or insolence and even to herself sh e was no longer V nda,

Kanavkina . but, as of yore, Nastya “ ” c Please step this way, said the hambermaid, leading her ‘ B e . l . e into the otfi ce . The doctor wil be in directly seat d

Vanda sank into a soft armchair . “ ’ I ll just say to him ! Lend me the money, she thought . ’ nl s . That s certai y proper, for he know me If only that maid woul d leave the room ! With her around it would be very hard ” all ? An d why on earth does she stand here, of places F After about five minutes th e door opened and inkel, tall,

in . dark, with fat cheeks and bul ging eyes, stepped His cheeks,

c —e his paun h, his broad hips verything about him was com “ ” n At R placent a d repulsive . the enaissance and at the Ger cl l man u he was us ually tipsy, spent a good dea on women

F r h ad and bore their pranks patiently . o instance, when Vanda l i l poured a g ass of beer over h s head, he had mere y smiled and

h is fin er . shaken g at her Now, however, he appeared bloated and sleepy ; he looked into the room with an air of importa nce and superiority, and was chewing something. ”

? . What can I do for you he asked , without looking at her n Vanda cast a glance at the grave counte ance of the maid, then

- fi ure F nl at the over fed g of inkel, who plai y seemed not to recog

z —s h e ni e her, and then blushed . “ ? ” What can I do for you repeated the dentist, now some what irritated . “ ’ - c I ve got a tooth a he . stammered Vanda . Ah ” a . Wh ich tooth ? Where ?

c Vanda suddenly re alled that she had a cavity . “ At . sh the right, my lower jaw e said . H ’m ! ” Open your mouth .

F e inkel furrowed his for head, held his breath and began to c examine the a hing tooth . ANTON CHEKHOV 25

” D es ? wi o it hurt he asked, poking about in her tooth th a sharp instrument . “ ” . l Yes ied Vanda . Shall I remind him ? she thought .

He l nl z m wou d certai y recogni e e then . But . . the maid ! What is she standing there for 2 Finkel suddenl y bega n to pufi like a steam-engine straight and into her mouth , said, I shoul d advise you not to fill it ll This tooth wi be of no use to you anyway. After he had dug about the tooth for a few moments more and ’ had soiled Vanda s lips and gums with his tobacco-stained fin gers, he again held his breath and shoved something cold into her mouth .

S l ri s z udden y Vanda felt a ter ble pain, let out a hriek and sei ed

Finkel by the a rm . “ Al l ’ r . D . right, never mind, he murmu ed on t be so timid l u You wou d have had little se from this tooth, anyway. One ” must be brave .

- a fin ers l l And his tobacco st ined g , covered with b ood, he d before

e her eyes the extract d tooth, while the maid stepped forward and h l broug t her a bow . “ ou o s When y get h me , rin e your mouth with cold water . “

l . said Finke , and the bleeding will stop He stood before her in the attitude of a man who is waiting impatiently to be rid of his visitor and to be left al one . “ - Good by she said, turning to the door . ’ rv H m l . And who is to pay me for my se ices ? asked

Finkel in a merry voice . nl ll l O . . . a . h yes gasped V nda, sudde y reca ing herse f She blushed and handed the dentist the rouble she had received for her turquoise ring. Stepping into the street she felt a keener sense of shame than before but she was no longer asham ed of her poverty . She no longer was conscious that she lacked a picture hat and an up-to 26 HUMOROUS TALES

l l a bl date jacket . She wa ked a ong the street expector ting ood, l l and every spot of b ood spoke to her of her life, of her evi , bitter —and s life, and of the insults that she had experienced, tho e she - a would have to endure to morrow, and next week, and next ye r and all her life until death .

O r . r l h, how terrible she whispe ed My God, how ter ib e ‘ But on the next day she was at the Renaissance, dancing

- - . S and u there he was dressed in a huge, red hat, p to date jacket l - l l and go d co ored s ippers . And she was treated to supper by a young merchant from Kazan . W ho W a s She P

0 ll us ” te a story, Pyotr Ivanovitch l begged the young l adies .

l - The colone stroked his gray side whiskers, cleared his throat and began

184 It happened in the year 3, when our regiment wa s sta tioned . w before Chenstokhov That winter, my dear ladies, as an exceedingly severe one, so that not a day passed without the sen tries having their noses frozen or the streets being piled high with snow . The intense cold weather began in October and ’ l s . In s l a ted into April those days , I mu t tel you, I didn t look ! — so old and pass as now ; on the contrary , I was as you may ll ima inw a in we g dashing fellow, the full bloom of youth ; in a an word, a h dsome young man . I used to strut about like a pea

- cock, threw money right and left and twirled my side whiskers nl ee u ike any other lieutenant on earth . Yes . I n ded merely wi and to nk an eye , clank my spurs twirl my whiskers, and the l be r proudest beauty wou d transfo med into an obedient lambkin . ’ t—o i fl I had a swee t oth for women, just l ke a spider s for a y, and if I were to count for you, my dear ladies, the number of Polish ewish and J women that languished for me in those days , then I assure you that there woul d not be enough figures in Mathe

a s i m tie for the reckon ng . “ i al - - And k ndly remember that I was regiment aide de camp , that I danced the mazurka excellently, and was married to a l ! most charming woman , Heaven rest her sou You simply - Wh cannot imagine what a dare devil rogue I was . y, whenever

c as w in our district any love catastrophe oc urred, such a ! e h av

- s ff th ing his temple lock torn o , or a Pole being boxed in e ears, -l Vi rt i they knew at once that second ieutenant ve ov had done t . 27 28 HUMOROUS TALES

As aide-de-camp it was my duty to journey about the district ’ I d off o quite frequently . Now be to purchase ats or hay, now to sell to th e Jews or the Poles horses that had outlived their use

B e f ulness to the army . ut most oft n, dear ladies , under the pre ul z s a text of duty I wo d ride away to a rende vous with ome wom n, am s or to wealthy landowners, for a g e of card r —I c as One Ch istmas eve, remember it as learly if it hap — pened onl y yesterday I was j ourneying from Ch enstokhov to l l offi cial the vi lage of Sheve ki, whither I had been sent on busi d ness . The weather, I must tell you, was mur erous . The cold was so bitter and biting that even the horse s could scarcely m endure it and I and my driver, within half an hour, were hu an l all s icic es . If the cold had been , we might have found mean it h to cope with , but on the middle of t e way there suddenly broke us out a snowstorm . Eddies of snow whirled and danced about l k i e i e a troop of devils . The w nd raged as if his wife had b en In I stolen ; the road disappeared . less than ten minutes , the driver and the horse s were completely covered with snow . ‘ ’ s wa o Your excellency, we have lo t the y, ann unc ed the driver. ‘ ’ c ! Wh ? l The deu e y didn t you keep your eyes open Wel , ’ ’ n 11 a ! keep right o . Perhaps we come to some hum n habitation “ n s Well, we rode and rode , and turned and tur ed, and thu toward midnight our horses stumbled upon the gate of an estate

e r l un B o a dlovski that belonged, if I rememb r co rect y, to Co t y , a wealthy Polish nobleman . Poles and Jews are one and the same ’ r r lot to me, like musta d after dinner, but they e a hospitable , ’ ve c ss o you got to oncede that to them, and when it comes to pa i n can ate women, none equal the Poles . ‘ We i B a l ki lf were adm tted Count oy d ovs himse , at that im i a n t e, was liv ng at Paris, d we were received by his steward i Kh a zinski Kas mir p , likewise a Pole . I recall that before an r s e e e ’ fli hou had pa s d I was s at d in the steward s home, rting with r k c his wife , d in ing and playing ards . After I had won fi ve du

30 HUMOROUS TALES

n as as ll Well, conti ued the Colonel, hard I tried to fa N w s l s c . o to as eep , I imply ould not it seemed me that thieve were

- climbing in over the window sill, now I heard somewhere a mys ri l te ous whispering, and now somebody touched me on the shou — al — der e verything seemed to me the work of diabolic hands, a mood known to all who have ever been in a condition of nervous

can it all v te nsion . Yet, you ima gine , through this de ilish

‘ clatter and chaos of sounds I suddenly distinguish a noise that

f. li l resembles the gliding o s ppers . I isten intently and hear ? what do you think somebody approaching my door . There is a cough ; the door is opened . ‘ ’

Wh o t e ? . is her I ask, rising ‘ ’ ’ It is I have no fear ! answered a woman s voice . I went to the door Several seconds pas sed and I felt

n as c l . two ha ds, soft eiderdown, pla ed upon my shou ders ‘ ’ I love you . You are dearer to me than life itself, a spoke the melodious voice of a wom n . ‘ A hot breath scorched my cheek . I forgot the snow o s st rm, the ghost , everything in the world, and wound my a rm around her waist and such a waist ! Such waists nature can make only for special orders, and even then, only once in ten

. i d years Thin, as if ch sele ; hot, ephemeral as th e breath of a child ! I c ould no longer restra in myself and clas ped her in my

. as arms Our lips met in a long, p sionate kiss and I swear it, all ’ by the women in the world, I ll carry the memory of that s kis with me to the grave .

was The Colonel silent, swal lowed a half glass of water and

With a lowered voice c ontinued ! — , r w The next mo ning, when I looked out of the indow, I n saw that the s owstorm had increased in violence . It was im

os c r p sible to pro eed on my jou ney . S o I had to remain at the ’ all an d steward s day long, playing cards drinking . At night I

s th e found my elf again in empty house , and exactly at midnight I embraced the selfsame waist as the night before . ANTON CHEKHOV 31

Yes, dear ladies, had it not been for love I should have

died of ennui that time, or else surrendered completely to Bac chus

s The Colonel sighed, aro e and began to pace silently up and

down the salon . “ ” l . We l and what happened after that ? as ked one of th e n wh o you g ladies, was dying of curiosity . “ . was Nothing The next day I again on my journey . ” Yes . . but who was this woman ? the youn g ladies asked ,

bashfully .

‘ ’ Wh s v ’ y, that very e ident, isn t it ? ’ Not at all ! It was my wife The three young ladies sprang to their feet as if they had

been stung by a tarantula . “ ” . it Yes but how do you explain ? they asked . Heavens ! Wh at is there about this that is so difiicult to ” r a ? n unde st nd asked the Colo el, shrugging his shoulders with

. m vexation I expressed yself clearly enough, I believe ! I was riding to Shevelki with my wife She Spent the night in the ’ empty house, in the room next to mine Isn t that simple enough ? ” “ m Mmm . urmured the young ladies, dropping their “

a . h nds into their laps , disappointed You began so well, and ! us ended Lord knows how . Only your wife Pardon , but the ’

c . tale isn t a bit interesting and . not at all lever “ ’ ! ’ Now, that s comical You d prefer it to be not my law

a ! Ah a fully wedded wife , but some str nge woman , my de r ’ a ! s ladies, my de r ladies If that how you are now, how will you ” be when you are married ?

s . The young ladies were embarras ed, and made no reply ” ’ I n ! e No . It s altogether. u becoming xploded one of “ t l . hem, unab e to restrain herself any longer Why did you need 32 HUMOROUS TALES

’ to tell us the tale if it had such an end ? There s nothing nice l ! ” in the story . or exceptiona , either “ You began so entran cingly and then, all of a sudden . “ us. added her companion . You were merely poking fun at

l l . Well, wel , we l . it was only a joke on my part “ ’ “ a w said the Colonel . Please don t be ngry, dear ladies , I as ’ only jesting . It was not my wife, but the steward s . Yes ? The young ladies suddenly recovered their joyful spirits ;

k . their eyes spar led They edged closer to the Colonel, poured out wine for him and showered him with questions . Their ennui

An d s s it disappeared . the upper oon disappeared with , for the l t young ladies attacked the mea wi h ravenous appetite . The S c andal M o nge r

KHINEYEV hi ofi , the teacher of penmans p , was marrying l Losh a dinikh his daughter Nata ia to , the instructor in geography and history .

i t i ll re The wedd ng fes ivities were in full sw ng. The ha s i l n sounded with ing ng, p aying a d the scuffle of dancing feet . Hired servants in black frock coats and dirty white cravats were T r t l scurrying madly about the room . a an u ov, the instructor in F P e i mathematics, the renchman asd quo and Msda , the junior inspector were seated together upon the sofa telling the guests,

c all amidst many interruptions and corre tions of each other, the cases known to them of persons having been buried alive, and were moreover airing their views upon spiritualism. None of the l l three be ieved in spiritualism, to be sure , but they were wil ing to admit that there was much in this world that could not be ex plained by human intelligence . D nski In another room odo , teacher of literature , was ex plaining the circumstances under which a sentry might fire upon was trifle civilians. Th e conversation , as you see, a gruesome, yet highly animated . h Through the windows, from wit out, looked in a crowd of envious people whose social position did not grant them the priv ilege of entrance . ’ Akhine ev At exactly twelve o clock the master of the house, y , stepped into the kitchen to see whether all was ready for the

floor li wedding supper. From to cei ng the kitchen steamed with

z n s . an aroma of geese , ducks and countless other appeti i g di hes a s o Upon two tables were beheld, in rti tic dis rder, the ingredients t x of a truly Lucullian banquet . And Mar a the cook, a bu om

- was l . woman with a two story stomach , busy about the tab e 33 34 HUMOROUS TALES

fish re My dear woman, just let me have a look at that ,

h is n . quested Akhi eyev, chuckling and rubbing palms together “ Mm ! Wh at a delicious odor ! Enough to make you eat the ’ ! fish whole kitchen up Let s see that , do Marfa went over to one of the chairs and carefully removed un o e a greasy newspaper, derneath which there rep s d upon a W s i l gigantic platter a huge hitefi h, garnished w th capers, o ives Akh ine ev fi sh o and vegetables . y looked at the and alm st melted a o with rapture . His counten nce beamed his eyes alm st popped H out of their sockets . e leaned forward and with his lips made a

r sound resembling the squeal of an ungreased axle . Fo a moment

fin ers c he stood motionless, then snapped his g and sma ked his lips again . “ s Aha ! The music of a pas ionate kiss . Whom are you ”

? . . ? kissing there Marfa came a voice from the adjoining room, and in the doorway there appeared the close- cropped head of ’ Akh in n n eyev s coll eague Va yki . “ c ? fin Mr A . e ! kh in Who is the lu ky fellow Aha . eyev

! ! ! - - himself Bravo, grandpa Excellent A nice little tete a tete in with a charm g lady . “ ’ I m s Akh ine ev not kis ing anybody, retorted y , embar “ i What an idea ! You . I was merely smack ng my

with delight . as I looked upon the fish here . ’ Vanykin s features wrinkl ed with laughter and he disap ea r A i ed. kh n e p ey v turned red . “ The deuce he thought . Now this fellow is going n arou d everywhere gossiping about me . A thing like this can ” easily spread through the whole city . The jackass ! Akh ine ev y returned to the hall shyly, and glanced furtively all V kin in directions for any . That worthy was stan ding by the piano telling something in his most ca valier-like manner to the ’ - in- inspector s mother law, who smiled in evident pleasure . “ ’ ” “ 1 s Akh in e ev . il It s about me uspected y About me, dev c ! take the ras al And she, she believes every word and laughs ! ANTON CHEKHOV 35

ll ! ! Such a si y goose Good God No, I must not allow this . No . ’ I must do something to discredit him in advance . I ll speak to everybody about the incident and unmask him as a stupid gossip monger l”

Akhine ev e ll y scratched hims lf and then, sti in embarrass lk Pasde i ment, wa ed over to quo . I was just in the kitchen to settle some details about the ” ’ F r supper, he said to the renchman . I know that you e very h ’ fond of fis , and I ve got one down there about two yards long ! He -h e-h e Yes, and then, I almost forgot it In the i s n o ! k tchen ju t now, such a fu ny j ke You see, I come into the kitchen and want to take a look at the dishes . I see the fish and s from sheer delight . such a Splendid specimen . I macked my

o. lips, s And at this very moment in pops that bad sheep Vany ‘ ’ - - h h h l. ! . a kin and says a a and says, Aha You re kissing ’ ' ? S m W as i somebody here uch a fool, i agining that I kiss ng ii — Fie ! ! a k . s Marfa, the cook Wh y, that wom n loo s as To kis a thing like her ! There ’s a fool for you ! Such a dub “ ’ ” s T r nt v Who s that ? a ked a a ulo , coming in V kin ! any You see , I come into the kitchen

The tale of Maria and the fish was repeated . ’ I as i Think of it ! Why, d just soon kiss a mongrel as k ss

Ms a . in Mr‘ d Marfa . An d Akh eyev, turning around , noticed “ ” n kin Akh ine ev We were just speaking of Va y , said y to “ m ! Msda . Such a si pleton Pops into the kitchen, sees me near ‘ ’ r S o re Marfa the cook and at once makes up a whole sto y . , you He s kissing Marfa says he to me . was a little bit tip y, upon my ’ word ! And I answered that I d sooner kiss a turkey than kiss

him . Marfa . And I reminded , too, that I was a married man ” Think of his silly idea ! Ridiculous ! ” “ ’ n ss What s ridiculous ? as ked the rector, happe ing to pa

’ n I m That chap Va nyki . in the kitchen, you understand, looking at the fish . 36 HUMOROUS TALES

c And so forth . In the ourse of a half hour nearly all the guests were fully informed of the story of the fish . “ ” Now let him tell as many people as he wishes ! thought ! as Akh in his s . ! s eyev, rubbing palm u t let him As soon he ‘ c n sa ! begins I a y to him, Spare your breath , dear friend We know all about it already And the thought so comforted Akhineyev that he drank four glasses more than were good for him . After the supper he led the newlywed couple to the bridal chamber, went to bed and

B r slept like a log . y the next mo ning he had forgotten the tale

fi woe ! of the sh completely . But Man proposes and God dis

cc o poses . The evil tongue a omplished its wicked w rk and Ah

’ h ine ev s ! y cunning was all in vain Exactly a week later, on a

th e Akh ine Wednesday, just after third lesson had begun and yev was standing in the class- room correcting the exaggerated slope of

’ Vis kin the pupil se s handwriting, the Director stepped over to

c s him and alled him to one ide . “ M Akh ine . Mr. ev y dear y , said the Director You will pardon me . It is really none of my business, but I must speak

it . ffi i k to you about It is my o c al duty . You must now that the rumor is running through the city that you have certain ’ ff s . O f relation with with your cook . course it s no a air of

a s s s . mine, I have aid, but . live with her, ki s her to your ’ s ! of heart content . But I beg of you, not so publicly I beg you Do not forget your high calling

’ A cold shiver ran down Akh ineyev s spine and he lost his s - As elf composure . if he had been stung by a gigantic swarm of c fl u bees, or s alded with boiling water, he ew to his home . O the way it seemed to him that the whole city were staring at him as if he had been tarred and feathered . At home a new vexation hi was awaiting m . “ ’ ? ” Why don t you eat asked his wife at dinner time . What are you dreaming about ? Your love ? Are you yearning

C a relessness

c trizh in YOTE Petrovit h S , the same whose rubbers had been

stolen last year, was returning home from a Christening ’ party at two o clock in the morning . In order not to arouse the household he quietly undressed in o the hall and breathlessly tiptoed into his bedro m, where, with

n . out turni g on a light, he was about to lie down ul S trizh in was a fellow with the face of a fool, living a reg ar and sober life and reading onl y books with a moral purpose . It was only on such a festive occasion as the present that, in honor

ir vna of the newly born child of Lyubov S p odo , he allowed him self to empty four glasses of whiskey and a glass of wine which

- - or tasted like castor oil . These hot beverages are like sea water fame ! the more you quaff , the more thirsty you become . i un S trizh in nl And now, wh le he was dressing, sudde y acquired an overwhelming thirst . “ ’ If I m a sa h e not mist ken, id , there is a bottle of whiskey D h nk ’ ’ ’ as e a s . r I m in cupboard It s ight there in the corner, if ’ ifi r n nl not mistaken . She ll never notice the d e e ce if I take o y a little glas s . After a short deliberation he mastered his timidity and went c to the upboard .

o Opening the d or of the cupboard slowly, he foun d a bottle

- H c rn . e fil in the right hand o er led a glass in the dark, replaced c s s the bottle, ro sed him elf, and swallowed the contents with a single gulp .

And here something remarkable happened . A terrible force, S trizhin c like a bomb , hurled from the upboard to the trunk . His flash eyes beheld a of lightning, he began to choke and shiver as

s f l - though he had ju t fallen into a swamp u l of blood suckers . It ANTON CHEKHOV 39 seemed to him that instead of whiskey he had just swallowed a piece of dynamite which blew him to pieces and scattered his

s head, his arms , his leg , the house and the entire street in all directions, way up in the air, the devil knows whither . For about three minutes he lay motionless and breathless on the trunk . Then he rose and asked himself “ ” Where am I ? h i W en he came to h mself, he smelt for the first time a strong odor of kerosene . ’ F v I r in Holy ather in Hea en he c ied, I ve drunk kerosene ! s stead of whiskey And a shudder pas ed through his body . The thought that he had poisoned himself threw him into An i an ague . d that he really had po soned himself was evident l not on y from the odor in the room, but also from the sparks that danced before his eyes, from the ringing in his ears and from the stabbing pain in his stomach . Realizing that he was about to die and unable to delude him al - self with f se hopes , he decided to say good bye to his nearest ’ H Dash enka s - for friends . e therefore went into bed room, he was was a widower and Dashenka, an old maid, keeping house for him . “ ! ” Dashenka, he said with a sob , dear Dashenka

Something stirred in the dark and emitted a deep sigh . Dashenka ! ” ” Who is it ? said Dashenka with a start . Oh, is it you, Pyotr Petrovitch ? Are you back already ? Well ? Did they ” name the baby ? Who was the god-mother ? “ dm Natalya An dreyevna was the go other, and Pavel Ivan

- a nd am s . itch was the god father, I think I dying, Da henka The ”

n . baby was named Olympiada . and . I have dru k kerosene “ ’ What ! You don t mean to say they gave you kerosene , do

“ ’ li l ni I ll make a clean breas t of it . I wanted to take a tt e p God of whiskey without getting your permission . and . pun 40 HUMOROUS TALES

B in . ish ed me for it . y mistake I took kerosene the dark What shall I do now ? When she heard that her cupboard had been O pened without her permission she jumped to her feet . Hastily lighting a l ul candle , she drew herself to her fu l ang ar and bony height, and forgetting to throw anything over her nightgown she shuf

fled in her bare feet over to the cupboard . “ ” r Who gave you permission ? she c ied, opening the cup l ” board Nobody ever put the whiskey there for your benefit I I . . have drunk kerosene, Dashenka, not whiskey

rizh in . mumbled S t , wiping the cold perspiration from his face “ And why should you be nosing around my kerosene ? Is it ’ I ? any of your business ? I didn t buy it for you, did If you only knew what a devilish price I ’ve had to pay for it ! You ’ ” ou, ! know nothing about that, of course y don t “ ” “ it Dear Dashenka, he groaned, is a question of life and death and you speak about money

sa ti fie un Not s d with getting drunk, he comes aro d sticking

s his nose into the cupboard raged Da henka, shutting the door ! of the cupboard with a bang . You bandit, you torturer, you Not a minute of rest have I ! By day and by night you ruin me ! R ! obber, murderer May you live in the next world as peacefully ! as you let me live here Tomorrow I am going to leave this place . I am a virgin and I refus e to let you remain in my presence in ’ your underwear ! And don t you dare to look at me when I am ” undressed !

She gave loose rein to her tongue and away it galloped, on and on and ou . Knowing that nothing could be done with her in her fit of s anger, that neither soft word nor harsh, neither prayers nor

rizh i oaths, nor even bullets would be of any avail , S t n made a

of ! gesture despair, dressed himself a nd went in search of a doc

. c tor But do tors and policemen are foun d only when not needed . He ’ ran through several streets, rang five times at one doctor s ANTON CHEKHOV 41

’ fin ll house, seven times at another s, and a y hastened over to the

r . r d ug store Perhaps the d uggist would help .

rl - After a long pause a little, dark, cu y headed druggist H opened the door . e was dressed in his bathrobe and h is eyes l were stil sleepy, but his face inspired a feeling of awe , so stem l and intel igent was its expression . “ What can I do for you ? ” he asked in tones which only k smart and worthy druggists now how to employ . “ ’ ” For God s sake , I beseech you ! cried Strizhin breath “ ’ . ! lessly Give me something, anything I ve just drunk kero sene ! I ’m dying

“ ’ Now l , don t become excited, my good fel ow, but answer am the questions that I going to put to you . Your nervous frame

os of mind makes it imp sible for me to understand you . You ” n Am ? have dru k kerosene . I right “ Yes ! Kerosene ! Save me

r s nl The d uggi t solem y went to his counter, opened a book and was lost in deep meditation . Having perused a couple of

s page , he shrugged one shoul der, then the other, made a grimace , i At mused for a m nute or two and then went into a rea r room . At this moment the clock struck four . precisely a quarter to five he returned from the rear room with another book and once more was lost in deep perus al . r h e fin ally said in perplexity . The ve y fact that you feel bad shows that you ought to go to a doctor instead of a ” druggist . ’ ! But I ve already been to doctors I rang and rang, but ” nobody answered . ’ ’ H m ! Evidently you don t regard us druggists as human

’ ’ us beings . It s nothing to you to wake up even at four o clock at l lis c at h as . night . Every dog, every its rest But you wi l not um ten to it. You imagine that we are not h an, and that our nerves are made of hemp 42 HUMOROUS TALES

S trizhin listened patiently till the druggist finish ed his har angue, sighed and went home . “ I guess it is my fate to die he thought .

His mouth was as hot as a furnace, his throat was choking r with the odor of kerosene , his stomach w ithed with cramps and his ears were deafened with a ringing noise ! boom ! boom ! boom ! Every moment he thought that he was dying and that his heart woul d beat no more . l l When he returned home, he quick y penned the fol owing note I hold no one responsible for my death . Then he s uttered a prayer, stretched him elf out on his bed and drew a quilt over his head . Till sunrise he lay awake waiting for his death and picturing to himself how his grave woul d be strewn with fresh flowers and im how the birds would be singing above h . In the morning he was sitting on h is bed and talking to Dashenka ! “ h r W oever lives a no mal and temperate life, my dear friend, m o . is i mune fr m every harm, even poison Take me , for example ; r r I was already standing with both feet in the g ave, I snfi e ed, I 10 ! died, f and now, and behold I only feel a slight bitter taste in the mouth and my throat is a little burned ; but as for my entire body, why, thank God . And why ? Because I lead a ” r li no mal and decent fe . “ Not at all ! This onl y shows that my kerosene was worth k less sighed Dashenka, thin ing only of the price it cost . This merely shows that the grocer, instead of giving me his best kero sene , gave me the stuff that costs only a cent and a half a quart !

Good God, what robbers those people are ! How they will take ! advantage of a poor, helpless woman Thieves, murderers ! May they live in the next world as peacefully as they let me live here ! What blood-suckers they are ! And her tongue gathered more and more steam as it galloped a nd on on and on . Th at Fresh Kid

VAN Ivanitch k n c Lap in, a you g man of pleasant appearan e , S em onovna Zamblitska a and Anna y y , a young girl with a

- snub nose , descended the steep river bank and sank down upon a ’ wa s bench . The bench situated close by the water s edge, hidden ’ s among thick willow bushe . What a splendid lovers cove ! Here o h one might sit hidden fr m all the world, seen only by the fis “ - s and the water spiders , that darted here and there like streak

l i - . fish n of ightning The young couple were provided with g rods , i bags, cans of worms and everything else needed for a fish ng ex

cursion . No sooner were they seated than they betook themselves to their work . “ I ’m ’ so glad that we re alone at last, began Lapkin after S em onovna looking around . I have so much to tell you, Anna y ’ fi r st . S o much . When I saw you for the time You ve l first got a nibb e there Then, for the time I understood my ’ life s purpose ; then I saw for the first time the goddess to whom

I must dedicate my entire life work . It looks as if a big fel ’ l i ou first ow s tugg ng at your line When I beheld y , for the ’

s ! ll . time I learned to love , to love pas ionately Don t pu yet Let — him get a good bite . Tell me, my All, I entreat you not am nu whether I may hope for my love to be returned, for I — worthy of such good fortun e and must never dream of it but I” tell me whether I may ever look forward to . Pull With a scream Anna S emyonovna jerked the hand that held silver reen c e the rod high into the air . A g per h glist ned in the sun ! ’ l s a ! ! ! . c Good heaven , perch Ah oh ! ui k He l wiggle 44 HUMOROUS TALES

fl0 The perch worked himself free of the hook, began to p about on the grass and at length fell with a splash back into its native element . D fi sh k l uring the pursuit of the Lap in , a together unaware ’ z fish S em onovna s of it, had sei ed instead of the , Anna y hand h ad and raised it inadvertently to his lips . The girl, indeed, but was withdrawn her hand, it already too late ; unawares the t h ad d all lips had joined in a kiss . Every hing occurre so tot y

first wa s unawares . The kiss succeeded by a second ; thereupon ! followed pledges and vows . Happy moments ll s r n After a , there is upon thi ea th of ours no such thi g c s as absolute happiness . Every joy either arrie its poison within

l n . S o itse f, or is poisoned by somethi g from without did it prove l s l here . Even whi e the young folks were ki sing there sudden y l resounded an explosion of laughter. They ooked toward the river and their eyes distended with amazement ! there , up to his c l- l hips in water, stood a naked boy . It was the s hoo boy Ko ya, ’ H e l Anna S emyonovna s brother . stood in the water, ooked at the young folks and laughed diabolically . “ ’ ” - — F ! Ah ah ah . S o you re kissing ? he taunted . ine I ’ l ” ll tel mamma . “ k I hope that you, as a man of honor . Lap in began l to stammer, b ushing, Eavesdropping is contemptible and gossip

s . is mean, de picable I hope that you, as a person of breeding and as a man of honor . “ Give me a rouble and I won ’t tell ! ” replied the man of “ ’ ’ . Ii I ll honor you don t, blab Lapkin took a rouble from his pocket and handed it to l fist l Kolya, who crump ed the note into his wet , whist ed and

off. swam And they kissed no more that day . n The next day Lapki brought for Kolya, from the city, h is s a box of paints and a ball ; ister, too, presented him with all ll- her pretty pi boxes . And after that she had to give him ’ ff- a set of dog s head cu buttons .

S uc h is Fam e !

fir s finish ed . HE passenger of the st class, who had ju t dinner trifle la in the railway station, was a drowsy ; he y down n upon the velvet sofa, stretched himself out with a gru t of contentment and was soon dozing . He five in e lay thus, however, for but m utes ; th n he awoke, locked with buttery eyes at his neighbor, who sat directly op it l pos e him, smi ed and said, My late father, blessed be his mem i ory, was fond of hav ng women scratch his heels after dinner . i ff I take after him, w th this one di erence, that after dinner I like I c c . a m to s rat h my tongue and my head , sinner that I , like to l l prattle on a full stomach . Wi l you a low me to prattle a bit with you ‘ a With pleasure, nswered his neighbor . n After a good din er, at the slightest opportunity the deepest fl in F ood . or thoughts begin to my m d instance , just now we - n n and saw with you, at the lunch cou ter, two you g men, you heard one of them congratul ating the other because of his popu ‘ ‘ larit . l o y I congratu ate you, he said, y u are already a popul ar n personage, you begin ing to acquire fame . “ They must be actors or journalists . But it is not they who interest me . What interests me is th e question ! What shoul d we really un derstand by the word fame or popularity ? Wh at is your opinion ? According to Pushkin fame is a bright patch

- upon a worn out garment . We al l look upon it the same way - e Pushkin does, that is, more or less subj ctively, but up to the h as efin present no one given a clear, logical d ition of the word.

I would give much for a concise explanation of the word fame . “ Why does it concern you so deeply ? ”

, n Well if we k ew precisely what fame was, you understand, 46 ANTON CHEKHOV 47

k n it s then perhaps we should now also how to attai , an wered “ se th e first the pas nger of class after brief meditation . I must tell you, sir, that when I was younger, I strained every string of l th u e . fi rst am my so in quest of fame In the place, I an engineer ’ by profession . I ve built a score of wonderful bridges in various R parts of ussia, installed water systems in three cities, have ’ R an worked in ussia, Engl d, Belgium . In the second place, I ve written a large number of special treatises on matters conn ected

. l with my profession Thirdly, my good sir, from ear iest child ’ hood I ve had a weakness for Chemistry ; devoting my leisure time to that science I discovered means of extracting many or hi ganie acids, for w ch reason you can meet my name in all for ’ i n I ll r e gn study books o Chemistry . not bu den you with an — c . I l account of all my servi es an d accomplishments, sha l merely tell you that I accomplished far more than many celebrities . And

? am die the result As you see , I already old and ready to , and ’ I m just as much known as that black dog running across the tracks over there . “ How do you kn ow ? Perhaps you are famous ? ’ ’ l H m 11 . ! We soon see Te l me, did you ever hear of the Krikunov family

The other man raised his eyes to the ceiling, thought a while

and began to laugh . “ ’ . No . Can t say that I have he replied ’ That s my family . You are an elderly, educated person, and ’ — sufficient ? you never heard of me . Isn t that proof I guess, in n ’ my chase after fame , striving to become known, popular, I did t ’ do as I should have done . I didn t employ the proper means ’ i a and, wish ng to catch fame by the t il, I didn t approach it from

the right direction . “ Wh at proper means do you refer to ? ? s ? Devil knows ! You will say . Talent Geniu Uncommon ’ own gifts ? That s a mistake, my friend . In my time people

have lived and made reputations who, in comparison with me, are 48 HUMOROUS TALES

- - c and o l s . in apable, good for nothing alt gether worth e s They did azz Wi did not strive , did not d le th their talents, not pursue fame, yet behold them now ! Their names are often mentioned in the ’ papers and in c onversation ! If you re not already wearied of ’

l s e . listening, I ll i lu trate my point with an exampl “ A few years ago I wa s constructing a bridge in the city of ’ s c K . I must tell you that there i n t a deader pla e in the whole ’ I ’d world . If it weren t for the women and cards, have gone out ’

s . ! of my mind . Well, that s an old tory ust to kill time I made

s friends there with a singer . Devil know , they all used to go — wild over her, and in my own opinion how shal l I express it sh e os c n was a m t ommonplace, average you g lady, of a type that

- m . An t is altogether too com on emp y headed thing, capricious,

o . a envious and a silly go se to boot She ate a good deal , dr nk a five n and good deal, slept until in the after oon even later. A

s as . a s mediocre pecimen, you see She was looked upon a wanton — — woman that was her profession but when folks wanted to ‘ speak of h er in literaiy languag e they would refer to her as the ’ ‘ ’ ss s s actre , or the singer. In tho e days I was a pas ionate thea

- oe fl tre g r, and I would y into a ra ge when I heard her called an h actress . She ad absolutely no right to th e name actress or

s . s an inger She was a creature without a park of talent, without

— sa - atom of feeling, one might y, in sum, a poor little good for nothing . “ As n s sh e s — far as I u der tand singing, ang frightfully , badly

‘ ’ enough to make you faint . Her whole art consisted in her

was wiggling with her foot, when it needed, and in letting men

- into her dressing room . “ r e s — She prefer ed, naturally, for ign vaudeville , spicy ones, c with singing and su h , in which sh e could appear in mas cul ine

‘ ’ attire . In a word, one of the real things ! But just listen to

i . a th s I remember it as cle rly as if it happend this very day .

The bridge was ready to be thrown open to the public . It was

W l — s opened ith so emnity, prayers, speeche , telegrams and so ou . ANTON CHEKHOV 49

flustered I myself ran about all , with my child, the work of my was ai brain , and afr d that my heart would burst with excitement . ’ m ! s It was y work It an old story, and I may permit myself a bit of pride, so let me inform you that the bridge turned out to be ! a masterpiece Not a bridge, but a picture , an inspiration ! ul l How co d I he p being excited, when the whole city turned out for the grand opening ? ‘ ’ ‘ l Well , I thought, now the whole public will ook at me, ’ all eyes will seek me . Wh ere can I hide ? “ But, my good sir, my agitation was all in vain . Outside of ffi cial m the o personages nobody even gave e a glance . They r gathered at the river bank, sta ing at the bridge like so many res n wax figu , without givi g so much as a passing thought to him h t . who had created e bridge And since then, devil take them, ’ I ve begun to hate our worthy public . But just listen . Sud denly a commotion a rose among the assembled crowd . Faces beamed, people began to elbow their way forward . ‘ ’ ! ’ Ah ! They ve noticed me at last I thought . But far from it ! I see my friend the singer squeezing through the

a r . crowd, and at her heels a whole army of lo fe s And all eyes l ‘ ’ were centered upon her, and thousands of ips whispered, That s ’ ’ sh e I so and so . . isn t charming ! Divinely beautiful “ ‘ I was of m At th is point , too, noticed by a couple bu s, most n likely local lovers of the dramatic art . Seei g me , they scrutin ‘ ’ ’ r . ized me and began to murmu , That s her paramour “ l wi How do you like that ? A man in a si k hat, and th a jaw z that for a long time had not been scraped by a ra or, stood near and me for quite a while , raising now one foot now the other, and fin ally accosted me . ’ ‘ l th e Do you know who that lady is, wa king there at river s ’ all but edge ? That s so and so . Her voice is beneath criticism, she certainly knows how to use it ‘ ‘ s Can you tell me I asked th e man in the ilk hat, who con structed this bridge ? ’ 50 HUMOROUS TALES

‘ ’ ’ ‘ k ! e . S Upon my word, I don t now r plied the silk hat ome engineer or other ! ’ ‘ ’ ‘ ’ s r ? And who, I a ked, built this chu ch for your city ‘ ’ ’ I can t tell you that, either. I further asked the silk hat who was considered the leading

c — os — all professor of the ity, the forem t architect, and to these queries I received from the silk hat a single reply ‘ ’ ’ ’ k ou . I don t now . Can t tell y ’ ‘ ‘ l s i Tell me, pray, I asked at a t, w th whom does this noted ‘ singer live I ‘ ’ Krikunov With a certain engineer by the name of , replied th e silk hat without hesitation . “

l ? . Wel , how do you like that, my friend But listen to the O n rest of the story . the day following the christening of the — bridge I seized the daily paper to discover something about my For n self, about the builder of the bridge . a long time I scan ed — all four pages of the paper and finally found ! Hurrah ! I begin to read

Y e s e rda y under a smilin sk in th e re se nc e of t , g y, p H is Exc ellency th e gove rnor a nd oth er gov e rnm e nt o ffi cials a a m ni i a l a h e rin l r , v st u c p g t g c e eb a te d th e e nin f h n brid e e o o t tc . p g e ew g ,

The news report concluded in this fas hion

Among oth e rs th e re wa s a lso p re se nt a t th e O p e n in our belo e d a nd i e d a r ist M i g f ss S o a nd S o . v g t t , As is ea sily unde rstood h e r a e a ra nc e c re a te d a , pp T urore . h e note d a ctre ss wa s dre s i f se d n e tc . — About me , not a single word, not a syllable ! As insignifi was cant as the matter , in that moment it gmeved me so keenly that I burst into tears .

I soothed myself with the c onsolation that the province was

di e e of me ocre int lligence , incapabl of appreciating such a work, and that it was foolish to expect recognition from such people ; was c i l that it possible to a qu re fame only in inte lectual centers, in the metropolitan cities . ANTON CHEKHOV 51

ll wa We , there s at Petersburg at that time one of my works a had th t I submitted in a competition . The day of the award w as drawing nigh . “ I bade farewell to the city of K I took the train for Peters ’ . s a l di a K burg It ong st nce from to Petersburg . In order to a l drive way onesomeness I took a separate coup! and also . . the i s nger. We rode along and on the whole way did nothing but

zzl - - eat, gu e champagne and tra la la ! Had a great old time at l ll And ast there we were in Pete rsburg, in the great inte ectual

. I r da center a rived on the very y of the award, and had the

l s ! was p ea ure, my dear friend, of celebrating a victory my work ! honored with the first prize . Hurrah “ The next day I go to Nevski Prospekt and squander all of l seventy kopeks on newspapers . I return to my hote , sink back ll l into the sofa and bury myself in the newspapers , a the whi e quivering with excitement . “ — — I look through one paper nothing ! A second not a word !

At length, in the fourth journal I come upon an announcement like this

Ye sterda y th e re a rrived in Petersburg by express

r i f h ro inc e s Mis s 5 0 a nd 5 0 . th e noted a t ste o t e p v , W e a re de lighted to sta te th a t th e S outh ern climate h a s h a d a v ery be ne fic ia l e ffe ct upon our well-known

r n H r le ndid a r istic a e a ra nc e . f ie d. e sp t pp ’ h I can t recall the rest ! At the bottom of t e page, under mall z was the same news item, printed in the s est si e type, the

- Yes e rda y a t th e a wa rd o f riz e s in th e such a nd t , p n en ine e r S o -a nd-S o received such c omp etitio , th e g riz first p e .

And that was all ! An d to add insult to injury, they Krikunov twisted my name about . Instead of , they printed ’ l ! was Kirkunov. There s your intellectua center But that not 52 HUMOROUS TALE S

A month later, when I had left Petersburg, all the papers ‘ - l fted were screaming without cease about our divine , highly g , and my lady love was lauded by the public press as if she really amounted to something “ Several years later I happened to be in Moscow . The head l l of the Moscow Duma had invited me thither, by persona etter, in regard to a subject in which the entire press of Moscow has been interested for more than a century . “ Am ong other things I delivered at one of the Mus eums five public lectures for a public cause . That, I imagine , was sufiicient to make a fellow talked about in the city, for three days ? n ! at least But, nothing doi g Not a single paper in Moscow had ul fi res even a word in reference to me ! They were f l of , cheap

s l —o f r mu ica comedies, druken merchants eve ything under the

a ifa ir . sun except my , my project, my lectures About these, not a syllable ! “ ' ofiice I ride in the electric cars . . packed, ladies with rs, stu — dents of both sexes each paired after its own kind . ‘ They say that the Duma invited a certain engin eer in re ’ c gard to su h and such a project . I say to my neighbor in a loud ‘ ’

all . voice, so that may hear Do you know the engineer s name “ The fellow shook his head . No . The rest of the people in ‘ ’ a nd k ’ the car looked at me, in all their faces I read, I don t now . ‘ ’ They say that somebody s giving lectures in the so and so

Museums, I continue, addressing another, wishing to start a ‘ ’ . conversation They say that the lectures are very interesting . “ Nobody stirred . E vidently not one of them had heard of s the e lectures, and the woman did not even know that such a s . all mu eum was in existence But that is not . Just imagine , my dear friend . All of a sudden the whole crowd in the car sprang r l c r from thei p a es and ushed to the window . What was the matter ? What had happened ? ‘ ! ! ’ Look Look my neighbor cried, jobbing me in the ribs .

54 HUMOROUS TALES

N N ll distant corner of the car . That is . the famous te er, who A a . is being sued by the . B nk “ ” There you have it ! laughed the passenger of the first kn l class . He ows the te ler, all right, yet ask him whether he

mira dski Chikovski il o S olov ov knows S e , , or the ph sopher y , and he ’11 shake his thick head Rabble l” l A brief si ence . “ Allow me to ask you a question, coughed the neighbor ifii n P hkov il d de tl . us opposite him, y Is the name fam iar to you “ ’ Pushkov ? E m Pushkov . No. I never heard of such ” a name “ ’

a s . That s my name . continued the neighbor, emb rra sed S o you never heard of me ? And for thirty-five years I have ’

s o on R l . been profe s r in e of ussia s eading universities . a mem ber i of the Academy of Science . More than once my treat ses have been printed . The passenger of the first clas s and h is neighbor looked at and n each other burst into long a d loud laughter . O verspic ed

HE ff n z surveyor Smirnov got o at S oo eville Station . H e still had about thirty or forty miles to go before reaching his destination .

“ ‘ Will you please tell me where I can get some post-h orses l he asked of the ticket agent . ‘ ’ ’ What s that ? Post-horses ? You can t get any post-horses old - or even an , broken down truck in a hundred miles . Where are you bound for ? ” ’ Kh okh otov s General estate . ” O so i w . h, is that ya ned the ticket agent Well, in that case y ou had better go over there to that house behind the sta l ” tion . The fellow that ives there sometimes takes passengers . With a sigh the surveyor betook himself to the designa ted l p ace where, after considerable searching and arguing and com

l n - p aining, he fou d a sturdy peasant, with an evil pock marked

w . face , who ore a tattered smock and coarse straw boots “ The devil knows what sort of a wagon this is ! ” said the ’ surveyor with a grimace as he clambered into the wagon . It s hard to tell which is the front and which is the back . ’ ’

l . Tain t hard to tel at all, replied the peasant The front is over there near the horse ’s tail and the back is over here ” where Your Honor is sitting . - zzl The colt was young, but lean, knock kneed and fra ed around the ears . The driver took his seat and whipped the mare ; her only H reply was a nod of the head . e swore at her and whipped her again ; the wagon creaked and shivered as though it had the

He . F ague . struck a third blow ; the wagon began to bob inally at the fourth blow the wagon stirred from its place . 55 56 HUMOROUS TALES

Are we going to drag along like this all the way ? as ked was the surveyor, who felt that his very life being rattled out of him although the wagon scarcely moved . “ ’ ” - - r- ! as s We ll g g get there , all right the pe ant rea sured “ ’ nl run him . She s a youn g little mare and she certai y can a - i once she gets started . You just wait till she gets go ng, and ’ you won t be able to hold your seat . . Hey you, giddap , you ” nasty old nag I

The wagon left the station at dusk . To the right stretched a dark frozen plain which seemed to extend to the very banquet At z ing halls of the devil . the hori on, where the wide steppe sk um melted into the y, the cold faint lights of the setting aut n us ll sun were burning out . To the left, conf ed hi y shapes loomed up here and there in the twilight . It was hard to tell whether these were haystacks or trees . The surveyor was unable ’ in c to see front of him, because the peasant s massive ba k blotted s ll out the entire landscape . A cold, fro ty sti ness held the entire region in its grip . “ w What a ilderness thought the surveyor, putting the “ c ollar of his coat over his ears . No sign of a dwelling and not

. ul a living soul in sight If robbers should attack me, nobody wo d c hear my ries, nobody woul d even kn ow where to look for my bones . And this driver is not at all to my fancy . Did you ever see such a back ? A big husky like him could beat the soul w fin er ! h is is out of the likes of me ith one g And snout, too, ” ul ’ strange and ang ar like a wil d beast s . “ ” ’ Look here , my friend, asked the surveyor . What s your name ? ” “ M ? y name Klim .

Is Listen, Klim . it quiet in these parts ? Is is safe ? I n mea , are people raising the de vil around here “ t Every hing is quiet , thank God . Nobody is raising the

I a m glad to hear nobody is raising the dev11 ANTON CHEKHOV 57

’ ’ I ve . You never can tell . I ve taken three pistols along with ”

v . kn ll me, lied the sur eyor And you ow very we , my dear

fellow, that it is a dangerous thing to play with pistols . With a . l single revolver I cou d easily take care of ten robbers .

Night had fallen . The wagon suddenly creaked, began to fl ake and squeak and then swerved to the left, as if against its

h ? W ere is he dragging me thought the surveyor . After r going to the right he tu ns all of a sudden to the left . I ’ ’ shouldn t be surprised if he s trying to take me into the woods

! . . and . . God help me You never can tell . Such things do

happen ! . “ ! ” Listen he turned to the peasa nt . You say that there ‘ ’ h re ! is no danger e L It s really too bad . I love to have ul a scrap with murderers . To look at me, one wo d take me for ’ n - a ski ny weak kneed piece of carrion , but by ! ove , I ve got the

x . wa s a strength of an o . Once I att cked by three murderers, and what do you think ? I gave one of them such a beating that

he spit out his soul . And the other two were sent away to ’ I ’ ’ S i . . I k m s iberia for l fe don t now, sure , where I ve got uch

strength . Why, with one hand I can grab hold of a giant like

yourself for instance , and . . crumple him up like a piece of

paper . s Klim turned around and looked at the urveyor, blinked

and whipped up the pony . “ ! l Yes, my good fe low, continued the surveyor, God pity ’ those who start anything with me . They ll not only lose their ’ For 11 . arms and legs, but they be sent away to Siberia, to boot am a n every single police judge knows me . I indispensable m . a person, a cog in the wheel of our government Here I i t. travelling with you, and the secret service knows all about r You had better take care that nothing happens to me . Eve y

r s where hereabouts , behind eve y bu h policemen and detectives ” - - on ! l are hidden . H h hold sudden y cried the surveyor in 58 HUMOROUS TALE S

? ? alarm . Where are you going Where are you dragging me “ ’ Can t you see ? This is a fores ” Sure enough, it is a forest, thought the surveyor, and ’ l ’ that s just why I am so frightened . But it wou dn t do to show H am him that I am afraid . . e has already noticed how scared I Why in the world does he keep turning around and looking at ’ At first me ? I guess he s already plannin g how to . he was trav ’ s lik l elling so slowly, but now he galloping e the very devi the Look here, Kl im, what are you hurrying mare like this

“ ’ ’ r i I m not hurrying her, she s hur y ng of her own accord .

Once she gets started, nothing in the world can stop her . Even she herself is sorry for having such hurrying hoofs . “ ’ ’ ! n l ! You re lying, you rascal I k ow that you re ying But ’ just the same I d advise you to slow her up . Stop her . Do you hear ? Stop her ! ” What for ? ’ What for ? Because I m expecting four friends from the station . I want them to catch up with me . They promised i l to overtake me in the forest . It w l be more cheerful to travel ’ — in together with them . They re huskies, fact, regular giants, ’ and every mother s son of them has got a pistol . Now what in the world are you looking at me like that for ? And why do you bob around as though you were sitting on pins and needles, ’ h a ? ’ There s no need of your looking at me . There s nothing extraordinary about my appearance . But my pistols are . ’ at ! really worth looking If you want to, I ll take them out and ” show them to you . Do you want to see them ? Hey ? The surveyor made a motion as if to look for them in his c po kets, when he was suddenly amazed to see that which even in his worst fears, he had never expected ! Klim rolled off the c r wagon and on all fours s u ried away among the thick bushes. “ ” “ I cr Help he began to y . Help ! Take the mare and the

- wagon and everything, but spare my life ! H! elp ANTON CHEKHOV 59

There was a sound of hurrying footsteps and the crackling dr ll of y branches, and after that all was sti . The surveyor, who m n was du bfou ded at this, stopped the wagon, rearranged the a nd hi seat under him began to t nk . “ He run ! ! has away, the fool What a coward . But what

' ’ ld am ? . in the wor I to do now I can t go on myself ; for, in ’ first n l the place, I don t k ow the way, and in the second p ace, n ’ people might suspect me of steali g the mare . What s to be done ? ” “ Kl i Klim he called, m And the echo rebounded from “ l ! ! ” the forest, K im Klim At the thought that he would have to stay all night in the dark forest where the only sounds were the howling of the wolves ’ r and the snorting of the lean mare , the su veyor s terror became almost unbearable . “ l l My darling litt e K im he began to cry, My sweet, dear, ’ darlin g little Klim ! Where are you ?

For about two hours the surveyor continued his entreaties . F l inally, when he became hoarse from calling and was a ready z resigned to spend the night in th e forest, the bree e brought a faint moan to his ears . Kl ? let us Is that you, my darling little im Come, continue our journey . “ ’ ’ - - I m afraid you ll k k kill me replied a weak voice . li l ! S o was I was only joking, K m dar ing help me God, I l only fooling ! I have no pistols with me . I on y pretended ’ ’ ! o ou ! I m becaus e I was afraid . Have pity on me Let s g fr z n o e l . Evidently realizing that a regular robber woul d long ago l us have disappeared with the mare, K im emerged from the b hes and timidl y approached his passenger . “ ? Well , you big jackass, what did you get frightened for ! ” I was only joking and you became scared . Sit down “ ? ” m Kl m How shoul d I know, your Honor stam ered i , as he 60 HUMOROUS TALE S

nl clambered into the wagon . If I had o y known in the first ’ l l e dn . p ac , I woul t have taken you for a hundred roub es I al most died of fright . Klim whipped the mare ; the wagon began to creak and m h . l s iver K i beat her a second time ; the wagon began to bob . F all t a in y at the four h blow the wagon stirred from its pl ce . The ll surveyor put the co ar of his coat over his ears . His fear was entirely gone .

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