Pravda West IHE NEW WEEKLY NEWSPAPER MADE BY AND FOR THE STUDEHIS OF WILFRID lAURIER UNIVERSITY VOLUME I, ISSUE I THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 28,1991 FRH!

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- ■UitMl Open 7pm 11pm _ 112 OUmt t Seven days a week 9ioopn FRCC b«for« Confidential and anonynous listening by student SPORTS WEDID IT! Laurier wins the Vanier Cup! by Trapper McGhee Pravda West Sports game was to be held this Saturday at the SkyDome in Toronto. With the forfeit, Vanier Cup organizers are scrounging for a replacement In a move unheard of before in Canadian varsity sports, the Mt. match. Allison Mounties have conceded the 1991 Vanier Cup to the WLU "We tried to get the Argos, but they said it was too much of an un- Golden Hawks, giving up without a fight. certainty who would win," said SkyDome manager Roger Heigh- Last night in a press conference Willy Smythe, the head coach of pryce. "Just coming off that Grey Cup thing they didn't want to risk the Mounties made the unexpected announcement of the forfeit. getting smoked by Laurier." "We took a look at things and just decided to screw it I mean, When the news of all this reached WLU head coach Rich Lowen- what's the point of flying all the way to Toronto when we're just brau, the proud West Virginian said, "Ha! They think they're going to going to get smoked anyway," said Smythe to a crowd of stunned get off that easy? Well forget it. We're going to Toronto, we'll be at reporters. the Dome, and we're going to thrash whoever dares stick their pencil The crowd seemed anxious for some real reasons for the forfeit, necks out there with us." which Smythe grudgingly supplied after the reporters refused to let When asked about why Laurier would even bother showing up him leave the room. now, Lowenbrau cupped his hand over the microphone and "OK," said Smythe, wriggling free from the full nelson, "take a whispered conspiratorily, "Look, man. I got about fifty really big look at the Laurier team. You've got that Andy guy...how old is he? I guys looking forward to a game in the SkyDome. Do you want to be mean, how can my young nineteen, twenty-year-olds compete with the one to tell them they don't get to play? I've been feeding these an old-timer like him? And Bill whatshisname...come on people. Get guys raw dog meat for crying out loud!" real. We just wanted to save ourselves a thrashing. SkyDome officials have confirmed Lowenbrau's brag. This Satur- "And have you seen those Laurier guys?! They've got armadilloes day at the Dome the Laurier Football Hawks will take on all comers in their trousers!" - winner take all, for the Vanier Cup. That's 3:00 pm, you bring your The Vanier Cup, the Canadian university championship football own stretcher. VANIER TRAGEDY by Morty Schenn Pravda West Sports time. the game rushed to Toronto Well, at the Vanier Cup, Bisci him General Hospital, but it was too On Saturday November 30, did just that. While his teammates late. Bisci was pronounced dead 1991, the Wilfrid Laurier Golden were busy hugging each other in on arrival. Hawks won their first ever Vanier delirium, Tim lay motionless on As can be expected, the team Cup with a devastating 37-3 vic- his back for what seemed like an was shattered. Tears of joy turned tory over the Mt. Allison eternity. When a few Hawk to tears of sorrow, as fellow Mounties (we should never have players noticed his predicament, Golden Hawk players couldn't doubted you Lean's, you they shrugged it off, figuring he Mac believe what had happened. were right!). Unfortunately, the was just doing an extended dance Their captain and close friend had game will also be to celebrate the big How- remembered win. perished, and they immediately for a tragic event that over- ever, when the players went to dedicated the game to their fallen shadowed the big win. Bisci, shake hands with the opposition, Tim comrade. A few days later, after a fifth year defensive back and as is customary after every game, everything had set in, the players one of the Hawk captains, suf- Bisci was still lying on the turf. A and coaching staff decided it fered a heart attack and died at few of ap- the Mountie players would be appropriate that Tim's the end of the game. off, peared ticked figuring Bisci funeral procession pass Caught up through 10 the excitement of Excuses in was exhibiting a severe case of the campus. As teammate Andy by Jack S. Preppie down on everybody else. the Laurier victory, the culmina- rubbing it in. "Get up you Cecchini recalled how one of his Pravda West Sports 5. Didn't want to choke front tion of five years of hard work A in f#@% & a#%s&*, or I'll put close friend's desires was to apparently got the best of the ex- be of the whole country. you there for good" screamed a buried on the citable Bisci. Known for his practice field, a mo- 10.No valet parking at Skydome. 4. Thought Yates Cup was only massive Mt. Allison player in tion was passed to dig colourful intensity, Bisci was also up a corner 9. No snowballs for fans to an exhibition game. Bisci's direction. However, his of the field near Willison Hall throw at opposing cheer 3. Were "Suckin' back on too the inventor of the "Heart Attack threat went Dance", unnoticed, and the and fulfill one of Tim's final leaders. many Goldcns" the night be a unique football player's actions be celebration wouldn't desires. Also, a motion was 8. "Free blow-job if you win" fore. that he exhibited after necessary as Bisci had indeed each passed to rename the Athletic promotion not available at 2. WESTERN SUCKS!!!! big play. After a touchdown, seen his final day. Finally, fellow Complex the Tim Bisci Memorial residence this year. 1. Got their asses kicked at home interception or at the end of a big defensive backs Greg Knox and win, Building, to honour an individual 7. No Perrier and escargots by a better prepared and su Bisci would clutch his chest, Lonnie Taylor went to check on stagger who spent much of his time at served at Skydome perior Laurier Golden Hawk uncontrollably for a few Tim's condition, and frantically steps, Laurier in that particular building. McDonald's. team that would go on to win and then fall flat on his called over the trainers and team back Goodbye Tim, and thanks for all 6. Fans couldn't get 500 level the 1991 Vanier Cup. as if keeling over for the last doctor. ambulance An that was at the memories! seats so they could look YEAH!!! 4 PRfUVDff WEST: SPORTS NOVEMBB^^ISSi Sports books for Christmas "FIRST DOWN AND FIVE TO Kubas sportswriters, who rate the 100 Super Bowl and Leon By McQuay's S. Anne Taklaucz - GO" the two star quarterbacks give biggest screw-ups in the history fumble in the 1971 Grey Cup Pravda West Sports readers first-hand experience as of team sports - also includes Western's 1991 - by Rick Zmich,Laurier to how to take full advantage of - the list includes Bill Buckner's loss to Laurier, Western's 1990 As everyone is well aware, assistant football coach and offensive co- Workmen's Compensation insur- botched grounder in the 1986 loss to St. Mary's, Western's Christmas is fast approaching us ordinator ance money by injuring them- World Series, Scott Norwood's 1986 loss to ÜBC, Western's for another year. It is a time of - this book is a unique guide to selves either on the job or at missed field goal in last year's 1984 loss to Guelph, etc... warmth, compassion and giving; home a time of year us forget our proper post-game football con- all of - descriptive "how-to" guides to daily problems and revel in the versation and viewing of game films, shoulder separation while on the spirit of the holidays. It is also a with the aid of your assembly line, driving a truck, time of year when retailers make favourite six-pack (in this case, mowing the lawn, etc... their biggest sales, and the rest of Golden is of course the favourite us agonize over what to get loved brand!) - a must aspiring "Always /n Style Snow for athletes Bowl ones for the holidays. If you are pro Decent by Crotch my head is clear and I'll play the whose declining ability will force (hindsight Is Valuable)" having problems deciding what to Pravda West Sports best I can." Raghib "Rocket" Is- buy for Christmas, I have a half- them to look for a different mail was a little less than profession - fully dozen suggestions that would be the second authorized Well kids there it was, Grey enthusiastic about the weather autobiography, this one from Los ideal gifts for the regular sports Cup 91. What a game, a true cliff and stated: "If I intended to freeze "NO PLAIN, NO GAIN" Angeles Lakers former superstar fan. Six new and prominent hanger. my ass off while playing a prof- Earvin (Magic) Johnson books will be available this the cold to fessional sport, I would have - 52 000 fans braved a dual effort by Wayne Gowing - a revealing, inside look to suc- month just in time for the Christ- attend this "Battle of the Titans". taken up figure @#$%'n skat- and Gary Jeffries, Laurier's hock- cess in the NBA by one of bas- mas blitz, and this column will While temperatures hung around ing! "The pre-game event that ey and basketball coaches respec- ketball's greatestall-time players review them and try to make gift- a balmy -18 the question was received the most attention was tively - Magic gives his valuable insight giving decisions a little easier. v raised as to which club would use Martin "Don't call me Ed" - the two coaches offer a fact- into subjects such as scoring on these sub-arctic conditions to Short's announcement of his up- filled and astounding look as to the road, shooting inside while "I'M GONNA DRIVE YOUR their advantage. The extent of this coming negotiations to purchase why coaches with receding hair- unprotected and how to double NOSE INTO YOUR SKULL" mind numbing cold wasn't fully David Braley's Tiger lines have much greater success and triple team effectively roving com- Cats.(What's next? Is Eugene rates sports those without realized until the - in than the first and only official Mike mentary of Elfie "imbecile" Levy placing bids on the Eskies? "House of Masters" subscriptions "THE GREATEST CHOKES IN Tyson autobiography Schlegel showed overwhelming Is Rick Moranis buying the - promi- - includes interviews with SPORTS" a revealing, up-close look at the fan support for the Ti-Cats by 4 Rough Riders? Can we anxiously nent coaches and sportscasters man regarded as one of the Winnipeg await the arrival of a new league, - (and they say doesn"t who support this phenomenon, a compilation of various greatest heavyweight assaulters Right). the SCFL? including Syracuse University need a dome. (oops, I mean boxers!) of all time The side lines of basketball coach As pre-game preparations Bomber - Jim Bayheim shows surprising glimpses of a were proceeding I was able to Stadium read like a veritable and Buffalo commentator Ed misunderstood man we all Kil- Argo's in gore make my way into the who's who Canadian society. thought we knew, including his dressing room and question a few Names as Gretzky, Short, Candy, confession that he started boxing players on their personal views McNall, Luba and Thicke hung in only as preparation for figure "THE SEPARATED SHOULDER TO SUCCESS" and opinions going into the game. the air. The festivities however, skating and ballet careers When I asked Matt "Lefty" were halted when it was realized

- - also gives a brief glimpse into another dual effort, this one by Dunigan how his shoulder was that Alan Thicke was in direct his future plans, which include the quarterbacks of this year's feeling, he replied "Well, they violation of the Acid Rain/Alan joining a monastery along with Grey Cup and Vanier Cup win- have me on some pain killers but CONT'D ON PAGE 5 promoter Don King ners, Matt Dunigan and Bill

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One was a therefore we gave them Alan.) fans were treated to an array of anything." in multi-year vodka endorsement ad, The festivities did resume after foul play. The referees did call a The hockey world felt ripples World security experts are the other being a one shot endor- the swift yet noisy deportation of decent and fair game throughout all day from the earthquake trade putting forward predictions that sement funny looking Alan "our national embarass- the afternoon. The only exception involving Wayne Gretzky. The McNall is now the world's third of those fur ment" Thicke. was a ten yard penalty issued to superstar centre and former Los superpower, and will declare Los hats the Russians were. When asked if paid While the excitement built to the Argonauts for a high sticking Angeles King woke up today to Angeles Great Western Forum an he would be in Jose or US dollars, Gretzky frenzied proportions, the only ob- call Wayne received in San find out he would now be plying independent entity separate from rubles replied he would be paid trade ject in the way of the opening ther night before. "When it comes his trade for the Moscow the United States. They also in kick-off was the restraining of to cleaning up professional Dynamo. The exact terms of the predicted a championship in the goods. vodka, John "Cementhead" Candy as he sports, there is no room for trade have not been released, but Russian Elite League for the "For the I'll be receiv- to ing tonnes threw bread crumbs at the Snow leniency," was linesman sources close King owner 300 metric of steel a month, deal, Birds during their fly-by. Order Rozinski's justification for this Bruce McNall are rumoured to and for the hat it'll was restored as Candy was questionable call. have said the package includes 5 be an immediate payment of 6000 intercontinental metric tonnes of wheat, with a coaxed to the sidelines with a All in all, after the fat lady ballistic missies, portable Coleman spot heater. sang,(and a host of other cliches), 3 nuclear submarines, 2 draft deferred payment of 500 barrels (Incidentally, this heater was it was the Argos who proved their picks and future considerations. of oil a week." receiving bids in excess of $2400 superiority and left Winnipeg McNall was reached early The dismantling of the Los comment Angeles Kings apparently not by the third quarter.) with the coveted Chrome Vase. Thursday morning for is After the kick-off, the game Through the excitement of the at the Soviet consulate in Los finished. McNall reportedly proceeded along the lines of solid post game Argo dressing room, I Angeles, where all night meetings turned down an offer of control of Canadian football. We witnessed waded over to an ecstatic Matt with Russian President Boris the Japanese economy in return sacks, clippings, hard hits and Dunigan. I asked how he felt Yeltsin had been taking place. for Wayne Gretzky, Toman Sand- cheap shots. The referees were about this staggerring victory. He When faced with the inevitable strom and Jari Kurri. Rumour has able to stay on top of it all and replied "Well they have me on questions about the trade and its it was turned down because of the warned the cheerleaders that if some pain killers but my head is connection to the proliferation of Russian counter-offer of nuclear they didn't "clean up their act" clear and I'll play the best I can." nuclear arms, McNall had these arms for Gretzky alone. bizarre comments: "Ha-ha! For "But if they want to take Sand- four years now I've had you con- strom, Kurri, and say....John vinced that I was the pudgy Mr. Gretzky led Dynamo. Mclntyre they have a deal!" Nice Guy! Pulled the wool over Also at the news conference, a McNall was heard saying, amidst your eyes! I never wanted no tearful Wayne Gretzky made his much diabolical laughter. Topley Copy Centre stinking Stanley Cup, my real intitial comments concerning the Other rumours have Rob goal is WORLD DOMINA- Blake and Kelly Hrudey going to 150 University Avenue West, Waterloo. N2L 3E4 746-2679 blockbuster trade. "I certainly am (Don Cherry Plaza) TION!!!" shocked. I didn't expect to stay in Saudi Arabia Olympic Team in Waterloo's newest copy shop invites you to view the premises. President Yeltsin had saner L.A. forever, but I thought I was exchange for 51% controlling in- ￿ Full/Self-Service Xerox comments than McNall did, but worth much more than what they terest in the oil industry. How ￿ Canon Colour Copier no less bizarre. "Well," Boris got for me." As he pulled on the Gretzky will react to playing in Publishing •k Desktop commented at the news confer- red and blue Moscow Dynamo the Soviet Union, and whether ence,"! just figured that the Rus- sweater, already emblazoned with McNall will trade Rocket Ismail sian economy needed a boost. the famous number 99, he an- for the US Star Wars program Those nukes aren't doing us any nounced he had already inked remains to be seen.- bm'room 11WLUCAFFTERIA FOOD I

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'« " AvaUable to all WLU students I —■ 1 Gall Today for Rates II ■ Rat Hunting Lincences available at , ■■ M~w wwl INFO BOOTH starting January 1, 1992. NOVEMBER 27. 1991 PRflVDfl WEST: SPORTS 7 Water, Where? by Hristos Scalpel ing that someone had filled then- the pool burying their heads un- Pravda West Sports pool full of beer. der the floor. Mysteriously Well, needless to say it was a enough an X-marks-the-spot was It was definitely a sight to be- rude awakening. painted exactly on every spot a hold. "Technically their pool was Western diver landed. The University of Western full of beer," said one student Ontario's highly esteemed diving who was involved in the piss-in- Some of the Western divers (cam were using our pool in the the-pool-party but wished to complained that the spring-boards Athletic complex for their weekly remain nameless. "The boys were were tampered with but this was swim meet. drinking heavily at the pub before quickly dismissed by A 1 Lee They were unable to use their we sneaked over to Western's Luhya, the president of Spring- own pool since three hundred pool and 'christened' it with a Board Operations, who blamed male Laurier students sneaked Golden Hawk shower," he added their cranium smashing dives on onto Western's campus and in between hysterical bursts of poor co-ordination and in- pissed in their pool the previous laughter. competent coaching. night. The Western divers were in WLU offered our pool in a for yet another rude awakining at "They're just awful divers" token of apology to the Western our beloved Olympic style Lee Luhya said. "And you can bet aquatic athletes who jumped in pool...they kept missing the your purple and gold ass that their own swimming hole with water. Western's going to pay for the their mouths wide open after One after another, each diver holes they're putting in die floor." reading an anonymous note stat- jumped and landed at the side of he said. Oh, fuck ... I missed the water again! Fearless Predictions for '92 By Chris Tylball lut Eric still refuses to report. "Gcez, that's unbelievable" ex- replaces him with Jo-Anne Polak, OUAA rushing record, Andy Pravda West Sports - Lindros thinks Albertville is too presses Cherry when informed of who admits she knows nothing Cecchini decides to go for his small and far away for the Winter the acquisitions; "and I thought I about hockey, making her the PHD and play 3 more years at With 1992 on the horizon, it Olympics, therefore he boycotts had it rough in Colorado." ideal person for the job. tailback for Laurier.

- is the time of year for major pub- the event. In order to please Eric, - Gino Odjick becomes the first Mark Messier quits hockey to - Pat O'Leary, who plays football lications to make predictions for the International Olympic Com- player to break the 1000 minute become a dancer in girlfriend and hockey for Laurier, agrees to the year's upcoming events. Al- mittee (IOC) switches the Winter penalty barrier and is considered Madonna's band. Says Madonna: do a "Pat Knows" commercial for though most of these predictions Olympics to Quebec City at the ineligible for future goon pools. "I love his body, and so do the NIKE of Canada. fail to materialize, I guarantee last minute. Eric still refuses to - Due to Winnipeg's success in other guys in the band." - An Iraqi athlete is executed after you the following sports accom- report. staging the event this year, the his Olympic victory for thanking

- plishments will definitely make The expansion Citawa Senators 1992 Grey Cup is awarded to - March 3, 1992 is considered a God and not Saddam Hussein. the headlines in the upcoming make Don Cherry iheir first head Yellowknife. memorable day in television - The Toronto Maple Leafs finish year. My record over the past few coach. In one of their first moves, - Donald Crump quits as CFL sports. The sportscasters at TSN the year out of the playoffs with years has been flawless, so you the team drafts Petr Klima, Sergei commissioner to take over as do an entire Sportsdesk telecast only 60 points, but due to the can take these to the bank. Makarov, Christian Ruuttu and Steve Stavro's main man at without screwing up once. GST actually finish the year with

Dan Quinn in the expansion draft. Maple Leaf Gardens. He sub- - Afraid that Tim Tindale of 69 points, one ahead of Min- - Quebec changes its official They also later trade for Tomas sequently fires Cliff Fletcher and Western will eventually break his nesota for fourth place. provincial name to "LINDROS", Sandstrom and Ulf Samuellson.

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I FRED HALE I . "Forget the rest, call the best" lllS ® OPEN 24 HOURS :Awioiiisl j SUPER SPECIAL! ~j 'E ' 2 MEDIUM 13" PIZZAS ; ra I With 3 toppings for fir j| [ 112 "SUNDAY NTIE LIVE" | $12.99 I ExplresJan & Ii Classic Rock Roll I I _ H jfjjj _ 1 l:OOam | 160 UNIVERSITY AVE." W. (Ira Ultimate Intditla* |Jr ■■■ MM ■Mi Jflfe, dMM Wf§■ flltt j=] ,LS ##| M "fr M112 "™5#C&^#CJUWWx 8 PRfIVDd WEST: SPORTS NOVEMBER 2?flDALLAS son this week. Therefore, we ask that make predic- action you your N.Y. Giants 8 CINCINNATI DETROIT tions ahead of time. We know that this can be difficult, due to un- 1/2 41/2 N.Y. Jets SAN FRANCISCO New known extent of future injuries and teams' successes, but everyone is 2 1/2 Orleans N.Y. GIANTS 5 1/2 Philadelphia in the same boat and we couldn't do it any other way. Please leave SEATTLE 1/2 Kansas City HOUSTON 8 1/2 Pittsburgh your selections in the Cord Sports box outside the Info Booth this Washington 9 1/2 L.A. RAMS KANSAS CITY 9 1/2 San Diego Thursday to Saturday. DENVER 7 1/2 New England SEATTLE 1 1/2 San Francisco Last week's winner was Mark Bell, who predicted 9 of the 14 L.A. Raiders 5 1/2 SAN DIEGO Washington 9 1/2 PHOENIX winners for Week Five's action. This is a relatively small amount, Minnesota 41/2 TAMPA BAY especially compared to last week when a substantial amount of MONDAY NIGHT GAME MONDAY NIGHT GAME people had 10 right or more. However, it was upset city last HOUSTON 7 Philadelphia 8 1/2 Cincinnati weekend, with the vast majority of entrants finishing below .500. 1/2 MIAMI Two others tied with Mark for best score, but he won due to the total TOTAL POINTS: TOTAL POINTS: points scenario used for tiebreakers. For his efforts, Mark wins a gift certificate from Casey's, who are sponsoring the event all year long. WEEK 8 WEEK 9 Our thanks go out to Casey's, and a reminder to all students to check out Monday Night Football at Casey's every week and win great FAVOURITE SPREAD UNDERDOG FAVOURITE SPREAD UNDERDOG prizes. You can also take advantage of Casey's Wings and Pitcher of Draft Special, which is available for only $20 after 8 p.m. every night Kansas City 1/2 S.F. MINNESOTA 8 1/2 Green Bay (regular price $34). Thank you and good luck to everyone in their CHICAGO 15 1/2 T.B. Houston 3 1/2 N.Y. GIANTS month's worth of picks. We will be announcing the winners of the PITTS 8 1/2 Cin DALLAS 1 1/2 Atlanta weekly prizes, as well as the two grand prizes (NFL Football and Of- PHILADELPHIA 21/2 Dallas PITTSBURGH 41/2 Cleveland NFL Jacket) new year. From everyone at the Cord ficial Team in the Detroit 5 1/2 GREEN BAY Denver 4 1/2 SAN DIEGO and Casey's, we wish you a Merry Christmas and a very Happy New BUFFALO 7 1/2 Detroit Year! Houston 5 1/2 CLEVELAND MINNESOTA 7 1/2 L.A. Rams TAMPA BAY 2 1/2 Indianapolis MIAMI 8 1/2 San Diego L.A. RAIDERS 2 1/2 Kansas City N.Y. JETS 7 1/2 New England CINCINNATI 1/2 New England WASHINGTON 9 1/2 N.Y. Giants New Orleans 6 1/2 PHOENIX DENVER 9 1/2 Phoenix MIAMI 3 1/2 N.Y. Jets ATLANTA 7 1/2 Seattle WASHINGTON 61/2 Philadelphia Buffalo 9 1/2 INDIAN SEATTLE 41/2 L.A. Rams

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Offer good ONLY with this coupon only ! Delivery from 4:00 pm daily tTAXExcludes extra cheese. Not valid with any other promotion or discount QQ/J886-7670 PHONE 883-5050 SwSffiSSltf. 1991 PRflVDfl WEST: SPORTS 9 Shades of grey by Crotch ing homemade flapjacks in believe, a spatula. From this point Cleaver blush. The "men" pro- the commode and wiping out the Pravda West Sports earnest. Father always joins us on please accept Mad Dog as an ceed out to the yard to engage in middle man altogether." At this after his standard conversation acceptable alias for Dad.) manly activities before the game. he takes to fits of laughter that Ahh the Grey Cup! This isn't with "Ralph" in the bathroom (the (We are usually accompanied can only be controlled by one of After breakfast we all tumble just a football final, it's a Cana- result of last night's liver assault). with a cold two-four of "Bud" Grandma's paralizing back- into the car and it's off to dian tradition, a time for family if Mother always has the aspirin that effectively reinforces the handers. (1 often wonder if it was Grandma's house for the you will. This event has been the ready as he enters the kitchen buzz both Grandpa and Mad Dog Grandma's actions during one of festivities. The joy I experience foundation of annual get togeth- mumbling something about have been on since the quarter these get togethers that lead to her we up to the house is ab- er in my family for as long as I "throwing up tennis shoes". (At as pull finals.) As we start into the day's incarceration.) can remember. Yes, we celebrate this moment I would like to ex- solutely unparalleled. My brother, "contests of skill" Grandpa usual- The dinner following the Grey Cup Sunday with the same plain that during Pre-Cup Week, sisters, mother and Mad Dog ly staggers up to his Grandson's game is usually unevent- gusto as Christmas Day, New Father insists on being called gather around the wealthy elderly and tells us that someday we too ful.(Probably due to the number Year's Eve, Thanksgiving, and "Mad Dog". He claims it takes couple and lavish affection on will be old enough to have a of blows Gramp recieved during the day Grandma was granted him back to his days of glory them to a degree one would ex- "brew" and be just like him. This the game, and the fact that after parole (Apr. 26). I am grateful to when he actually played football. pect from eager beneficiaries. is some incentive coming from a 19 "Buds", Mad Dog just isn't report that this year the festivities Personally I think it has some- Yes, this truly is a joyous occa- man who is prone to drooling and capable of agitating Grandma's did not stray at all from tradition. thing to do with a certain bet he sion. After these formalities, the still lays out food for a cat that temper.) Grey Cup Sunday always made with our neighbour Bill ladies retire to the kitchen to died three years ago as a direct Following dinner, we pour starts with the family gathered "the keg" Gilpner which involved spend the afternoon creating a result of a freak laundry accident. Mad Dog into the car, bid around the breakfast table enjoy- a terrier, a rubber chicken, and, I dinner that would make June Beneath the autumn sun we farewell to Grandma (and an in- relive some of Mad Dog's coherant Gramps) and try to get favourite quarterback sacks in home before Mad Dog comes to Cup history. My brother and I are and displays his stomach's con- Tired of buying your forced to endure crippling tackle tents all over the back seat. after tackle as we portray the The fitting end to this day of likes of Dunigan, Faloney, days has me lying in my room Barnes, Moon and a myriad of making wagers with my brother wife flowers? other less fortunate quarterbacks. as to how many nocturnal trips Sf After some brief first-aid we all Mad Dog will make to the throne. enter the living room and revel in Yes, I always look forward to the Why not the excitement of the opening following morning and Dad's kick off. "Excuse du Jour" as to why he j)l ' Watching the Grey Cup, or will be incapable of reporting to any other sporting event in the vi- work for the next three days. divorce cinity of Grandpa is a challenge her!?|pM in itself. Apparently no one ever explained to the dear man that those tiny people on the screen CANNOT hear you. Good ol' Skippy's Low Budget Gramp sits back in his chair bark- ing out orders to the coaches of (JOattincfcy Divorce Lawyers, "his" team. In the event that Gramps calls a play correctly, we we can get a divorce ± face an ensuing verbal barrage of why that was the only play pos- for you usually by n sible for any number of irrelevant reasons. He will continue until end of the day. For a thoroughly annoyed, Grandma enters room the and strikes him at *. low fee $12.95 (incl. /r> fSBIrWliea :'i L I—J'' of the base of his skull with such fe- taxes), you can be Pfff^W rocity that he is rendered incapa- (D*perience6 4 ble of performing even the most basic of bodily functions for a quasi-legally \ //Ji good 15 minutes. As this excite- (Qlotbin g--- Ask about our convenient ment continues, Mad Dog is "Dial-A-Divorce". wearing a path between the ice 205idling St.S. box and the bathroom. He is Call 1 -800-555-POOF j usually muttering something WJaterCoo about "pouring the stuff right in

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*v PRAVDA WEST BUSINESS ThreePRISM expanse lostlab vastof in Bills, morning. their bright monitors, in By Frank Morningstar John another of the stu- about five in the We colour plan that lead the three lost souls Pravda West Business dents involved, explained his ter- tried to get out, but we couldn't that vast open space....oh man, it to safety. By turning off all the Bureau ror this way: "At first it was OK, find the way. We wandered was hell!" computers except a few, they cre- wc went to work on the com- around for a while, and then we Alex Curry, Dean of the SBE ated a trail of active machines puters. we to get All those addressed the issue. "We at the that made a trail out. It took three troops of Scouts, But lost track of time started scared. and suddenly we realized it was winking at us with Wilfrid Laurier University School "Thank God for the local army reserve, the OPP computers, that little of Business and Economics have girl," said one of and Waterloo Regional people in the police of- decided it's all due to a lack of ficers on the case. blue, and WLU Security's crack "Otherwise, we communication. We're in the pro- might still be in there." investigative team, but three sec- cess of forming an executive task The atrium coffee woman ond year Business students were had force to address the problem," found after being lost in the the final word on the story. "It's Cunry said. PRISM lab for over a week. too bad they're gone. With all Eventually, it was a young sold a "It was, like, the most horrible those cops I fortune in girl scout who came up with the experience of my life," said Amy doughnuts." Duke, one of the unfortunate stu- dents. "Like, we went in to do our case on the computers, and, like, Speed, greed we were stuck there forever, you I mean kills know?" The trio disappeared on the fourteenth. On the nineteenth, liiey were noticed to be missing. When asked why it took so long to figure out they were gone, one Grcahd somehow found out about of their professors said "How By Raoul Treadway the file and must have tried to should I know if they're here or Pravda West Business stop Chang from publishing the not. They just take my class, why Bureau findings that quasi-insightful, should I even care?" in quasi-expository journalistic Even with the recent incident Saturday, Greg Chang (editor vehicle, the Atrium. (You of several students nearly suf- Atrium, WLUSP BOD) was thought I going to focating to death in the lab, the was say found slumped across one of the Maclean's?) head of WLU Security didn't couches in the atrium. Examina- Further investigation has led have much to say about this hap- tion of the crime scene indicated me to believe that Chang had pre- pening on his turf, or about the that Chang had been building a vious conversations about this possible to safety posed by threat file of questionable practices by with the PRISM lab, stating only "as Greahd. Reliable sources renowned business advisor I. M. suggest that the tone of the con- long as they didn't park illegally, over a of Celebration after liberation from week Greahd. versations was somewhat less as far as I'm conccrned the case being marooned in the PRISM lab. Pic: P. Parker. Best speculation assumes that is closed." than idyllic. Prolonged yelling matches occurred about how much it was going to cost to stop the damage with Chang yelling back that he was sure Greahd Bungee jumping accident could afford it. The conversation went downhill from there with By Woody von Hammer sounds of breaking glass, screams Pravda West Business Bureau of pain, and whines of Computer wire does not make a good bungee cord, as two WLU "NNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!". Business students found out recently. The head of security was un- The two hyperactive students tried to bungee jump from the third available for comment but one floor of the Peters Building atrium, using serial cables from the the officers was quoted as saying "lie park on so PRISM computers. One ended up with a bad headache, the other a doesn't campus bad hangover. what's the problem?" Eye-witnesses claim that James Nielson, a fourth year Business The final stages of the investi- student, was working in the PRISM lab when without notice he leapt gation have just been completed and conclusively up and began ripping the cables off the computers shouting "Fuck link Greahd this, I'm gonna go for it!" like a lunatic. with trying to stop Chang from publishing According to Nielson, "I just got too stressed, man, and had to his findings on the al- give this idea of mine a go. I don't know where my mind was. It's a leged misconducts. After perusal damn good thing Pctey (Peter Matiss, also in fourth year Biz) went of said file the conclusion I have first." come to is that Chang had no real After grabbing lengths of cable from the PRISM computers, Niel- evidence of any major indiscre- son grabbed his friend Matiss and went to the top of the atrium. tions other than letting his need Securing one end of the cables to Matiss' feet and the other to a for continued high undeserved in- potted plant, they tested their wacky idea. Needless to say, the cables come run away with his senses snapped like soggy spaghetti and Matiss plummeted straight down to and getting emotional over the bottom of the atrium, where his entire head got embedded in the money. floor. The final analysis conclusive- "Oh Verne, what a rush," was all Matiss said before blacking out. ly has Greahd committing Nielson, realizing as the paramedics arrived that he would not get a Watch for this ruthless homicide Chang. In clos- Poor Peter Matiss. turn, went to Wilf's where he drowned his sorrows. Both awoke from (and greedy) ing all that can really be said is their respective slumbers several days later. killer. greed kills. NETWORK BOSESBS 27, 1991 PRflVDfl WEST: BUSINESS 13 Peters Building designed by minotaur By Trapper McGhee being half man, half bull, and West Business earning respect in the architec- Pravda tural business? Bureau BOB: Well, most of the time it's not a problem. I get a litde antsy We see the Peter's Building when a client takes me out for every day, but do we know it? To lunch at a steak house, but it's help understand the meaning be- OK, I guess. hind the monolith, I interviewed ME: Yeah. Yeah. So let's talk the designer, architect ex- about the Peter's Building. irordinaire and minotaur, Bob BOB: Sure. Great piece of work, Theseus. huh? I'm pretty proud of that one. ME: Hello, Bob. Have a seat. ME: Tell me, what was your in- BOB: Thanks, man. spiration behind designing the ME: Hey! Don't crush the chair, fabulous (and when I say fabu- Bob! lous I'm actually salivating at the BOB: Sorry. It's hard to find a same time) Peter's Building at chair that'll support me. Laurier? ME: How much do you weigh BOB: Well, you know, I drew anyway? heritage upon my for that one. such. ME: Those are pretty sharp horns, BOB: Oh, about half a tonne. Originally hard to find them so they like that there were a lot more ME: Fascinating. Bob. too. ME: Wow. So what's it like to be pillars and such, but they wanted BOB: Yeah. There was whole big BOB: You bet. BOB: Figures. a minotaur? it a bit more modern ~ business promotion that was going to go ME: Yeah. [We share a hearty chuckle.] BOB: Ah, it's OK, I guess. You and all ~ so we went with the along with it's opening. You BOB: So what do you think of ME: One thing, Bob. know. eerie faces in the brick effect and know, a big ball of yarn for the the building? BOB: Sure. ME: Say, is it much of a problem the odd angles and layers and first five hundred visitors, but that ME: Oh, I dig it. I love the stairs. ME: Isn't the design, well, isn't it fell through. They're great for convenient a little confusing. I mean, it ME: Yeah? bumps into people you want to wasn't actually designed for use- BOB: No money. meet and stuff. fulness, was it? I mean...you LA ME: Figures. So what do you BOB: Retrospectively, the stairs know? tf UQify think of the quilts inside? were a bit of a goof up. I mean, BOB: Hey. it makes perfect sense c BOB: They're a little silly, if you there I was, the architect of the to me. If you guys can't figure it ask me. I mean, I wanted to do place, and I couldn't fit in the out that's your problem. of bull worship and vir- frescoes stairwells. But hey, I designed ME: That's cool. Hey, look at the ■ J^> -- sacrifices the usual, you ~ v Decnber 1 Seiinary Chapel ginal them for humans all humans, time. Well, that about does it for know? — but they axed that for no cows — so I guess they work. - - this. Thanks, Bob. too artsy. what do they 4:00 p.i. Advent Carol Service 1 Chapel Clioir being So ME: Yeah. Neat. BOB: Nada. do? BOB: I hear they house the uni- Adiission Free ME: Hang up a bunch of quilts? versity administration there now. So the next time you wander BOB: Yeah. Oh well. What can ME: Yeah, they love it. It's got aimlessly through the hallowed you do? that modern look, as you say, that halls of the Peter's Building, ME: Yeah. really turns their crank. Makes think of Bob, the friendly (if a BOB: Yeah. them feel professional. And it's little defensive) minotaur. * I Sheldon & L Jlftii ' Mike S MaiSOn UK Present: rWI du Weightlifting

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/ | > *@ A , i . "They !?|ed me up bad." Olivia Newton-John 14 PRflVDfl WEST; EDITORIAL W3E NOVEMB^2?T

In light of our new "user-friendly" policy, we offer you this Do-lt-Yourself Editorial Cartoon. We at Pravda West are trying to bridge the gap between us, the paper and you, the The Cord is dead readers, that characterized our crappy predecessor. We are approachable. We Well, folks, here's what happened... are reflective of your needs and desires. We Last week, your old campus newspaper got into a big bunch of trouble. It seems we published something are your paper. You can look we shouldn't have (I can't mention what it was, here on this page, since there's a court "gag" order out forward to all there with my name on it) but the immediate effect of this was to get us sued. And in a big way. sorts of challenging "interactive" features like All those responsible for the story reaching publication in the first place were immediately fired. this in Pravda West from now on. The Cord is Which caused about half of the staff members to subsequently quit, as a protest move. dead! Long live Pravda West! And then we held a big meeting (well, OK, maybe not so big...) to discuss the future of The Cord: what next? was the most important question. The general consensus of this meeting was that the "old" Cord, despite the "Dear Ouija" column, really sucked. It was a drain of time and energy, nobody ever read it, and even we, because of this "be the con- science of the university community" requirement in our contracts, weren't happy with the newspaper we were putting out every week. Dig it, we never really got to party down... So the remaining half of the newspaper staff quit as well. But we had one little problem. The university still needed a newspaper. Therefore the call went out: "Be a part of the new Laurier newspaper...fresh blood wanted in the Student Union Building...help shape your new lifeline to the news!" became the campus-wide recruitment battle cry.

But when we held our first meeting of the "new" staff — surprise, surprise! — it was pretty much the same old gang as before. Except this time, we're going to do it right. For now, we are Pravda West. Fuck all that "standards" bullshit, Pravda West comes to play with its sticks sharpened...its time to have some fun. Pravda means truth. That's what we stand for. You may also be wondering how I came to be the new Editor-in-Chief. Well, I'm a hard old bastard...they couldn't fire me...and I didn't want to quit. So when the lambs came back to the slaughter... But, I think part of the reason this shake-up actually resulted in a promotion for the old Fisher was be- cause I, in some weird way, represent what die students of this campus have always wanted in their news- paper. Big headlines. Gratuitous swearing. Black humour. Action-packed photos. Copy on the front page, Weekly columns. A take-no-shit attitude. And increased content by yours truly. Rock n' roll! I hope you like the new paper: I know I will. Pravda West: "Different, but the same." Fisher Sheffield, Emperor-In-Chief (heh, heh...,

Instructions: complete mystery picture joining The opinions expressed in this editorial are exactly the opinions of absolutely everyone involved it with making Pravda West. You might not know it yet, but they're yours too. Trust us, we know what's bestfoi dots in sequence a continuous line. you. Contributors: kirby, Allan Lee, Kevin Wat- Mark Hand, Mike van son, Adrienne Hodkin, Caro- Pravda West is a Wilfrid Laurier Bodegom, Sheldon Page, line Versteeg, Martin Walker, University Student Publication. Dave Marcus, Paul Reed, Jana Watson, Christina Craft, Our offices are located on ihe Pravda West Karen Lennox, Spephanie Brenda Morehouse, Terry Perrin, Sarah Brophy, Niki Grogan, Harvey Luong, Rob Second Floor of the Students' Fisher Sheffield Westman, Jonathan Batch, Malich, Cam Croxall, Ward Union Building, and all Renee Ward, Phil Kinzinger, Black, Ingrid Nielson, Jamie are welcome, Jennifer O'Connell, Jennifer Nielsen, DenyS DaivS, Keith submissions Man Editor-in-Chief Otter, Tom Szeibel, Rick Robinson, Devin Krueger, blah Hah. Blah Hah blah blah Dales, Peter Matiss, Lisa Dar- Geoff Thureson, and Jana, blab blah, Hah blah blah blah* ling, Chris Skalkos, fraser once again, did bugger all. You too can have a column still got money and we can get "Heyyyy, Trapper! What the "Get the fuck you out! You've him to spend it on us." fuck!" got the editorial. You need new "Fuckin-a, buddy." "Dumb fuck," observed writers." The trick then was to bring a Lucille daintily. "You mean you." METROPOLESS moped to "Yeah," I concurred. "Well, yeah." lunatic on a a halt. BY TRAPPER McGHEE After hauling the delirious "Yeah. Fuck, yeah. OK. What Lucille thought of a way before I out street OK, fuck, you got It was like this, see? Me and had used his favourite pick-up did. Sheffield of the where the fuck. you he was to lose a of buy me my pal Lucille were out for a line on: "Hey doll, you think the Taking off her nice white fril- about game yourselfa column...if you street cleaner, we night on the town when I heard earth spinning is something, let's ly gloves and hiking her taffeta chicken with a a drink." nearby began to an all-too-familiar whining and go back to my place and I'll show up above her knees, she grabbed found a bar and "OK." So I ordered anollier wailing, like some jerk was riding you what kind of a twister two the drain pipe off a nearby tene- rack up his Visa bill, weaning round, and while Sheffield was cognac by way te- I along on a moped while hollering naked people and a ceiling fan ment and as Fisher rode by stuck him off the of trying to pick up the waitress like a fire engine at the top of his can create." She slapped him, it firmly between the spokes of quila. palmed his Visa and paid for lungs. As a matter of fact, some threw her drink in his face, and his front wheel. "Guess what guys," Fisher everything on his tab. jerk was: Fisher Sheffield. then became fast friends with The bastard made like Orville slobbered, tossing the salt over Dig it. Metropoless, by Trap- It was a scene I knew well. So him. Wright for half a block. Crashing his shoulder and stashing the per McGhee. Every fucking turned to Lucille, and I said, into a mailbox the groggy son of lemon into Lucille's purse, "they week. Yeah. I Hey, she's just my best pal, I Fisher's been into the a bitch leapt up and shouted fucked The Cord and made me "Fuck. don't have any place telling her cognac again." "Woooo-weee! Do it again! Editor of the new newspaper." Trapper McGhee is the bastard half- who her other friends should be. brother John F. Kennedy Jr., and I Lucille nodded knowingly. Sheeeeyit!" "Get the fuck out," I said. of "Shall we rescue before don't know where he gets this shit "That dumb shit never could him "Yup, definitely cognac," ob- "Get the fuck in," replied the police do?" I asked out from, as we've never actually of Lucille, handle anything except raunchy tact. served daintily brushing Sheffield. met...Trapper, I don't drink and Canadian beer and cheap Amer- the dirt off her hands and replac- Then, seeing my opening, drive, but I do know the meaning of ican whiskey," she said. "Yeah. Besides, If he's riding ing her gloves. "Hey, does that mean you're the word "libel". Can you say Lucille had the distinction of around town it means he's look- "Yo, Fish," I hollered, "how fucking your column?" I offered. "libel"? (I thought you c0u1d...) being one of the women Fisher ing for another bar. Ergo, he's 'bout a drink?" "Get the fuck out!" -xoxFISH. IS3S3S* 27. 1991 PRflVDfl WEST: OPINION 15 Deciphering homosexual lingo dearOuija Ouija is all powerful and all knowing and no little Dear Ouija, editorial change is going to keep me from doing my My roommate has this rabbit, George. I think he ' thing. So on with the sex, I mean the advice. is really cute and I think I'm falling in love with him. I am human and I think our sex life would be Pink ink Dear Ouija, incompatible. I'm also concerned about what other by Denys I am 22 years old. I am not a virgin and I have people might think. Help. Daivs very good sex. The problem is that I've never given I.N. Love a guy head. I have a steady boyfriend and I think Dear I.N. Love, a completely In the gay and lesbian culture there is almost dif- I'd like to try it out. I was hoping you could fill me There are laws against this kind of love -- you ferent language that is spoken. This language refers to things that are in (oh omniscient one) on some of the finer points sick-o. exclusive to our culture and some words provide ways of speaking in of fellatio techniques. My Humane Self, code in the presence of hetero's without them realizing what is hap- Deadly Headly Ouija pening. By the time you read this glossary of some of the best Dear Deadly, sayings, you will be able to translate the following statement: "Well If this is something you really want to do right, smell he crusty box, girlfriend! Did you see miss thing float by with watch Susan Sarandon in action in the movie Dear Ouija, I am that smell old albacore hag? That man is just trying to show butch WHITE PALACE. You can practice with a carrot sick of insensitive guys whenever I get cold. My male friends always me [finger snap]. I swear that queen gives me gas," and make sure not to bare your teeth. When you area calling the human thermometer. When are to grow enough to try the real thing be gentle men going feel confident up realize its Boyfriend: someone significant in your life who is gradually turning and take your cue your partner. Just remem- and just a simple reaction to changes form in the climate. How can get stupid to your focus from sex to such pursuits as decorating, draperies, and ex- ber, only do what you with. Ac- I guys realize feel comfortable that they are morons. plicit movies. cording to the "COMPLETE WOMAN" Magazine, 80 Below Breeder: this is the derogatory word that FAGS use to refer to these are a the things men like when getting Zero few of Dear 80 straight people. a blow job: Below, I don't know but I Butch: used to refer to very masculine behaviour, mannerisms, and 1. It is done with the same appetite, attention and think your headlights are on. Insensitively Yours, wardrobes of both lesbians and gays. joy she would give to a delicious ice cream. Ouija Chicken: a young man who, most often, has just come out of the 2. As with ice cream, there is much nibbling but closet. These people in particular always draw much attention on definitely no biting. Teeth are always covered and first at bar; fresh meat. cream gets attention, the their appearance a aka: the entire ice not just top Dear Ouija, Clone: used to refer to the stereotypical leather queens and their war- bit. I've been going out with this girl for 6 months drobe, or to refer to lovers who go out to bars dressed exactly alike. not swallow, she keeps a grip on 3. If she'd rather now and she never shaves her legs. It bothers me Crusty: not so nice label for a not so nice person. situation so not spraying an un- a the he's about like because it prickles my back when we're having sex. Dyke mike: straight men who are attracted to and spend much time attended garden hose. In other words, she doesn't How can I approach this prickly situation? to convert with lesbians with the hope of being able them. jump it , ship as docks. My Girlfriend is a prick dyke: a masculine, intimidating, and large Diesel rather often times GoodLuck. Dear Prick, lesbian. Ouija. Buy her a daisy raiser and maybe get Fag hag: straight women who are attracted to and spend much time she'll the Dear Ouija, hint. with gays with the hope of being able to convert them; aka: fruit fly. I have 6 friends who just confessed they pick Your raiser, Ouija Femme: used to refer to very effeminate behaviour, mannerisms, and their nose and eat their boogers. I think this is dis- wardrobes of both lesbians and gay men. gusting abnormal. What should I do? Ouija, Finger snapping: used in conversation to punctuate. Where, when, I Hate Boogers I am obsessed with the cartoon Life in Hell. I and how the snap is delivered creates the importance and the meaning Dear Booger, think I've fallen in love with Akbar but I think he's of the action; for example, the very traditional two snaps means up Just because you don't do something doesn't already taken by Jeff. What should I do? you are most delighted with what is occurring or with what has just mean other people are abnormal. Besides-haven't Akbar Fan been said. A snap in the face means watch out. you heard about the boooger eating trend? Every- Dear Akbar Fan Gaydar: the almost invisible radar dish gay men wear on their heads one is doing it. Its a relaxing habit. Grow up and Seek psychiatric help-Akbar and Jeff are just so as to be able to spot another fag from "miles away". learn to be more accepting. cartoons, you weirdo. Girlfriends: your posse, the men you hang out with, the ones you can You've Been Told, Matt Groening's bestfriend, embarrass yourself in front of, and the people who give you tips on Ouija Ouija wardrobe and make-up. Hag fag: gay men who are attracted to and spend much time with straight women for the purpose of building a closet and holding up a straight image. Leaping lesbian lynch mob: a profoundly angry group of lesbians who have been upset by sexist, heterosexist, or just stupid remarks Big Bill don't like libraries from men. So I clamped my teeth down Lipstick lesbian: a rather attractive and feminine woman who just on a big stogie and poured anoth- happens to be a lesbian. er snifter of brandy up there on Lover: a serious partner used for more than just sex, there is actually that 6th floor of the old "Stewart an emotional bond between lovers. Lover is often the equivalent of Louis Memorial Armpit-Sniffing the words spouse, husband, or wife. YOUR BIORHYTHM Library", and thought, could this Mary: a name used to refer, in a friendly way, to nelly gay men. By William Needle, deceased. library not be shelving treatises On the team: a discreet way to identify another gay or lesbian to a on homemade kitchen-closet A- Hey assholes, I'm back! for lack of a better word friend while in public; aka committee member. I'll call bombs because of moil Because I And it's a development that is this university would be able to Polyester babe: a rather large hipped lesbian wearing tight and hor- am what the ignorant drones of long overdue, in my own humble forgive one or two overdue book ribly out of fashion polyester stretch pants. this world call a fascist, and liable opinion. fines, but no, that would cut into Queen: a very, very effeminate man who delights in drawing the at- to use such information to over- Speaking of overdue, went the tention of all around by squealing and waving his hands in the air. I almighty bottom line, throw the Student to word Union Build- Second Cup: that famous of famous coffee shops on the corner of what for lack of a better wouldn't it? Grrr, it sure makes ing? Church I'll call ihe WLU library this old Bill madder than hell. and Wellesly in Toronto. The Second Cup is the hub of all And then I thought, Bill, what long of morning to return my copy of So anyway, after I gay activity because of the set steps in front of that particular returned bloody right do these pisses have "Honey Goes To Hollywood", my sightly soiled book, I got mall. During the warm season of tank tops, spandex, and cut off jeans to to withhold such valuable in- the act and those wankers at the front walking around the I steps as bleachers for gay man's favourite sport: cruising. Be library. And formation from the masses? accept thought myself, aware of this next time you're in the concourse. desk wouldn't it. The to Bill, you know Where the bloody sphincter hell Sister: pages were all stuck together, and what this library your soulmate, either a gay male or a straight female. Your really needs? do these people get off protecting sister no con- they dug up this bill that said I What Bill? I asked myself. This can be told anything in the strictest of confidence with us from ourselves, let alone you library to get cern of it hitting the rumour mill. owed them over three hundred needs bio wed up from me? Smell her: a good put down for a unpopular man who has at- smackers late charges. real good, told myself. very in fuckin' I Well, I am not a fascist, but tempted to start you. bloody So I went to go a book on rumours and/or insult What's with these find that's not the point. I'm comfort- Snap diva: a nelly queen carry on a people?!? they an explosives - you know, a really who can't conversation without Can't tell I'm able with your sexuality, my using the finger snap to emphasize every artist? time, simple encyclopedia on to other word. And artists take their how sexuality, and even people who Troll: the gay word for a lecherous old man. for dammit. make atomic bombs out of con- like to mess around with animals. Tuna: reference to straight woman. can figure out origin Need I remind you that we doms and Kraft Dinner You the of all mixed And if you can't understand this one yourself; with Javex - aka albacore. attend one of the only three uni- but that bloody Q- that, then I guess I just made my Womyn/Wommin: the politically correct spelling of the often con- versities in North America that CAT directory was designed not p'JiniU out actually year? to sidered word "woman/women". Care should be taken to watch for makes a profit each to assist you, but mess you up. Yeah. this word, especially in bars. Men may use the men's and ladies' (The horror, the horror...) You'd Believe me, it pisses this dude off womyn's. washrooms but never the think the administration of what like you just would not believe! Bill Needle is still dead. 16 PRfIVDd WEST: ADVERTISEMENT NOVEmS^ffi

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Hot and Heavy Safe Sax Hristos Scalpel Saxy If you listen very carefully, The sax-man showed no com- you can hear blues music playing passion for the stinki'n when the wind is blowing south- Queens...ahem, honourable west. athletes when he played his K-tell Sad enough to make a hound- greatest hits "Udderly Wonder- dog cry, a golden sax slowly cries full", "Milk Me Your Way", and out its slow, honey-dripping, "Your Barn Or Mine" while ex- blues note on the campus of cccuting jumping scissor-kicks Queen's University in and wailing away on his penetentiary land. saxaphone like an alley-cat in Stan the sax-man, the most heat. expensive sax-for-hire musician In between swatting at flies on the continent, made a special and munching down on some appearance for the be-humbled fresh hay the degraded and down-right sad football loosers...ahem, honourable players of the Queen's Golden athletes, could only muster up a Gaels. couple of low rumbling "moos" It was understood that the and grunts in between tunes. stupid loosers...ahem, honourable "Duh, I dunno why WLU athletes were still crying and hired Stanly to play here, its belly-aching a week after they probably some sorda trick" one blew the Churchill Bowl. The player said after the show. "Duh, WLU athletic association, being do they think we're duh, stupid or the beautiful people they are, took someding" he added while wiping pity upon the wretched the drool from his lips. beasts...ahem honourable athletes The highlite of the per- and hired Stan the sax-man to formance came when Stan sooth their anguished souls. delivered a dazzaling 5 minute "I'h played them all ma sax-solo while pissing on his speciahl number I'h composed audience. Needless to say he just fur them" Stan said with a wasn't called back for an encore. Placing Old N^lacDonald trad lazy southern accent. "I'h nevah The Queens coach wasn't seen a bunch of sadder or uglier available for a comment on the a farm till thg cows come home. futbahll players in ahll ma life" show as he was still heavily he said after the performance. sedated. Making the Quad Look Good god specimens of buffalo feces. They the two blobs try to force the lid edge of the toilet The bird is a Cord Interpretation signify the life of you and the shut they are un..l>le to because vulture, desiring to eat the buffalo The new sculpture in the person sitting next to you. The they are hairy an.! don't live any- fcces, but anticipating the flush is Quad has, as I expected, proved reason for it being buffalo excre- where near here. Also, the two being careful not to fall in. The extremely puzzling, and no one is ment is because buffalos are hairy blobs are somewiat embarassed bird being a vulture is symbolic very sure at all what it is or what and don't live anywhere near because they unable to close the of death. Because it is. it means. Well I will tell you ex- here. Now it is obvious that these lid and wish they knew how to This is the official interpreta- actly what you see and precisely two blobs are floating about in use razors so that ihey would not tion of the sculpture in the Quad, what it means. something, this is a toilet, about be so hairy. This is portrayed by for further interpretations of The main objects of focus are to be flushed. This creates the blobbish anxiety on their blob seemingly meaningless such of course the two oddly shaped suspense. The toilet being open faces. things around campus please con- and undefinable blobs. These are symbolizes Canada's open trade There is another object in this tact god at your local Christmas policy without question two prime with the U.S. and although sculpture, the bird perched on the parties. 24 PRfIVDd WEST: THE ARTS NOVEMBEpa^tSS

Abdul a Mutie | By Garth A. Shyster homo sapiens, that's for sure," not one of us. "Listen to her slid Rushton. "Don't ask me voice. No human was ever born Paula Abdul is not human, ac- what she is exactly, I'd have to that had a screechy whine like cording to a report made by Uni- measure her cranium to tell you that woman's got," said Rushton. versity of Ontario for sure." Western "I'd wager she's :v,\ exotic species professor Phillip Rushton. Rushton claims that he has of feline, possibly something that proof that the popular pop star "It's very clear that she's not is comes from Afri. i or Asia...look at her hair. But o .n't call me in on that, I still h:.,en't measured her," Rushton add d with a wink. Abdul was (• tifronted with Rushton's claii. s before her HARDEST rccent concert i: Toronto. She started weeping savagely and denying the allegauons. "I (sniff) work hard, you know. Really (sniff) hard. I've earned my fame and it really (sniff) really hurts lo have some- one try to take it away," sobbed Abdul. "I was a cheerleader, you know," she added. While Abdul's species has yet to be confirmed or denied, the public doesn't seem fazed either way. One Abdul fan took the con- troversy in stride: "Hey, who cares? Human, cat, reptile...she's a babe. I'd lick the...never mind," said Peter Lee. David Suzuki had a few strong comments to make about a proposed rematch debate with Rushton. "Gimme a break," said Suzuki. "I wouldn't give Rushton the time of day let alone argue with the prick. Besides, he's party i M probably right. Have you seen her hair?"

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NEAREST YOU! «i , . [ Roseanne Bars- SoSSmSIJ. 1991 PRfTVDd WEST: THE ARTS 25 There should have only been 1 Shelly Rage Recursive banishment comes Guess into play when it is revealed that After the box office smash McCleod and Ramirez are Highlander II: The Quickening, originally from the planet Top Highlander III: The Green Jacket Flight. They had been banished to is sure to please. Zeist after being cheated out of a The Pravda West was given loser-leaves-planet round of golf the privilege of a very advance with their arch enemy Arnold screening of the forthcoming Nicolas (played by Richard Sim- film. mons). Conner McCleod is still an McCleod was currently living immortal. The movie opens with by a golf course and had started McCleod at home watching golf to play the odd round of golf on on TV. Suddenly six huge aliens weekends. Nicolas thought in golfattire break down his front McCleod was practicing for a door and attack him with putters. rematch for the control over Top McCleod defends himself Flight. In actual fact McCleod with a shining, Japanese crafted was only time sharing the condo nine iron. In the heat of battle to help out a friend with the pay- Ramirez is run down and killed a fourth Highlander script being McCleod calls for his old friend ments. to McCleod's condo (which gives a golf cart driven by Nicolas' worked on. It is tentatively being Ramirez. Instantly Ramirez (Sean Nicolas travels to Earth for a McCleod a slight edge). Ramirez, by henchmen. The game continues, called "Game Over". McCleod Connery) appears swinging a golf round to the death (the loser has a retired golf master is two holes are a spec- and Ramirez turn out to be bag. The two old friends, now to cut off his own head with a McCleod's caddy and coach. the last battle for the domination banished (recursively of course) reunited, quickly defeat their at- sharpened one iron). Nicolas and While McCleod gets dis- tacular of Top Flight and for their lives. pinball wizards from the planet tackers. McCleod take to the course next tracted making sure Nicolas doesn't cheat on his score card. Rumor out of Hollywood has Bally. McCartneyplay By Lotta Pooper Laurier rying my stuff up all those stairs WLU. "Not many people these by myself. Now, now they've got days have heard of him. But an elevating*device." we're gambling that Vanilla Ice's Last Thursday legendary McCartney, formerly of the new sampling of McCartney's rocker Paul McCartney signed a pop group The Beatles, was once Wings classic 'Live and Let Die' contract with the WLU Students' a big name star in the music in- to bring in a few people interested Union to play The Turret some- dustry. in hearing what the original was time in January. "It's a gamble booking this like." "Well, I almost booked there old timer," said Danny Dawson, "We tried to get The Beades' a few years ago, you know," said WLUSU Lounge Supervisor and cover band 1964 to play, but they McCartney. "But they'd never the person in charge of booking were asking too much," added give me any roadies so I'd be car- all the live entertainment at Dawson. _..J CONGRATULATIONS »„!Wi 3 ikitlM for a £D) Come Celebrate ~"T~ "" I I 111 C 7 OR §P.2L. VANIER CUP LONG BOMB BASH -j' fil'V PITCHER ° 111 THE COPA fj£ ENTERTAINMENT .fgL, IfIIM JB Ml ■■ H I —- 7 oook pMZKs mmm 11vv/ WW* CASH BAR Forticket information, Call the BELL CELLULAR Wings AND MUCH MUCH MORE !!! VMIER CUP HOTLINE: 1 2 for 1 Mjsfini/ialCr / (416' 288-9546 Won. & w^ <. Wed. A portion of proceeds will be donated to ■16^. *a # % The Hospital For Sick Children and 3TIV* \ The Litoracy Fund. IH7I H Parly with us after the Game 26 RRfIVDf! WEST: THE ARTS NOVENBB?^vSi Sensored!

By Trapper McGhee was sent to the CRTC head or- didn't like the music, but since rifice in Ottawa, and pointed out the videos didn't have any nudies A communication problem al- that perhaps a mistake had been in them they're going to let us most saw REM's "Losing My Re- made. Denise Donlon of City play them again." ligion" and Tom Cochrane's TV's The New Music took part in Waldinger released a sub- "Life is a Highway" banned in this mission. sequent apology to the artists and Canada. "It was an honest mistake, I the public, stating: "Well, I guess A release from the Censorship suppose. They just didn't really we did a boo-boo. But you know, Branch of the CRTC last week understand the lyrics," said Don- this wouldn't happen if those stated the reasons for banning the lon. "We sat them down to listen people just sang properly. You two popular songs. Bertha to the songs, and they grudgingly never get confused by Laurence Waldinger, spokesperson for the admitted their error. They still Welk's singers!" CRTC made the announcement: "Impotency is not a laughing matter, and singing about losing one's erection is offensive to men who are afflicted with this terrible problem. My husband, for one, this serious was very by Yes, put off this atrocious is article song. Besides, the music is just a Sarah Brophy eral cynicisim that all bad." of the in Waldinger went to com- adults the play were treated on What is a very serious review with. ment on Cochrane's latest hit: such as this doing appearing in What about other reactions to "It's really not appropriate for the Pravda West? We do consider the play? The couple sitting Canadian public to be hearing bes- that even a publication such as ide me seemed to have been in- about Mr. Cochrane's wife's this has a responsibility to give spired by the romantic theme, so promiscuity. It's very offensive to media attention to the arts. much so that they started doing me hear him call her a to Yes, was the movie theatre thing. 'highway', and that bit about 'rid- Romeo and Juliet performed by UW drama last I was disappointed to dis- ing night long' in very her all is week and the theatre was filled to cover, upon discussion of the play bad taste. I don't like it at all." capacity for all performances. with some of my most esteemed The Canadian music industry Even the matinees were sold out colleagues at the Pravda West, was sent into an uproar after the Considering how most of us have that they were disappointed with this release, and made a strong been force-fed Shakespeare, it Spencer's interpretation of the push to get the songs off the was surprising to see so much play. Apparently, this was not black list. the enthusiasm for the play. sort of production that appealed Erica Ehm, MuchMusic vee- My initial reaction to Darlene to those who expected traditional jay said, "Tee hee hee, at least the Spencer's interpretation of Kids are OK," summing up New Romeo and Juliet was over- the feelings of absolutely no one whlemingly positive. I remember else. a couple of moments in particu- An envoy of normal people lar. The severely cliched balcony Romeo and sccne was approached inventively by having Juliet say, as a preface iet for the Is studying exams hurting to the "Romeo, Romeo" crap, Jul for "Romeo plus Juliet" with a ap- propriately glazed look in her nineties your social life? eyes. Later, when Romeo responded to Juliet's despair that Do you not PARTY as much as she would never see him again costuming and similarly retentive with "I doubt it—not", the crowd attitudes on the behalf of the ac- you could? Worry not, was enthralled. In another in- tors and directors. It was a genious twist, the friar was pre- Romeo Plus Juliet for the Help is here!!!! sented as a drug dealer. This nineties, complete with both crea- portrait was in line with the gen- tive energy and cynicism.

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joke ad iJSwIHBE&27, 1991 PRflVDfl WEST: THE ARTS 27 Hollywood love turns to clay By Frank Morningstar the creation of their new baby. one interesting comment: "I like "Hey, I can tell you, the to joke around with Ron about his In a bizarre twist of fate, it has sensitivity in Demi's hands in- silly putty, but he gets a little been revealed by over four hun- creased about a whole lot through touchy about that problem of his dred really famous performers working with clay for the movie. sometimes." that some of the most erotic mo- The things she can do, whoo- Former porn star Linda ments of their life have included wee!" said Willis. "I was watch- Lovelace was asked about clay, clay, just like in the movie Ghost. ing them film it and I tell you, but she misunderstood the ques- The famous scene in Ghost Demi and me had to take off to a tion and just kept saying "no, I where Pat and Demi get off at the back room after that was shot." never screwed a boxer, dammit." pottery wheel is in fact a very Madonna, not surprisingly, Over-rated writer of pulp crap realistic account of the sex lives had a few clay tips to add. "The Stephen King said he's using a of some of the entertainment beauty of clay," said Madonna, Ghost-like clay scene in his biz's biggest names. "is that you can mold it to be newest book, "a lump of clay will "You can really spin on one whatever shape you want...as big take on a life of its own and of those things, you know?" said as you want it." She also blamed ravage a young family in the Scan Connery, who played sexual her break up with Sean Penn par- depraved way living earth does." dynamo James Bond for over ten tially on clay, "Sean was just jeal- The twisted man alluded to the years. "I remember one time I ous. Clay's more flexible, and as ending, too: "But some plasticine was working on an ash tray and a matter of fact I did prefer it to befriended by a young girl will this babe walked up and....well, him. Did I mention it can be as save the day;...maybe!" let's just say the kiln wasn't the big as you want?" The list of popular figures hottest thing in the room at the Former U.S. president Ronald goes on and on, all talking about time." Reagan, who was also once an the way they use clay to satisfy Bruce Willis, real life hubby actor (so they say), would not their depravity. I wouldn't want to Demi Moore, said rehearsing comment on his experience with to editorialize, but this is just that scene with his wife lead to clay, but his wife Nancy offered sick. To Be Scene | BRUCE COCKBUPN!

~

. . . _ , , , , , UNTIL DECEMBER 6 _ , , . Dennis Noble: Lovers Series. A display of paintings at the Art BrUCe CockbUlTl bnngS hIS Charged lyriCS and UTeSlStable mUSIC tO Gaiiery in the Aird Centre. 10:00am to 7:00 pm. Admission is Nothing Centre in the Square for his - ® But a Burnin' Light tour on \ ; 21,2:00 to 4:00 pm. . : . , free. Official Opening November „ , „ , =r~. A December 3rd with Stephen Fearing opening. This promisses to be so November27to29 a thrilling evening of entertainment don't miss it! UW Drama presents Sexual Perversity in Chicago, a play by David Manet. Hagey Hall Room #180,8 pm. Tickets are $2.

staff of the Faculty of Music present concerts in the Recital WORLD AND ,NTO THE

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" 181 JMl* • $ giii-p1" 4-: y # coupon 28 PRflVDfl WEST: FEfITCIRE NOVEIIBEIP^VSI Sesame Street: the Is this what made by: Kevin Dreuger Street. According to the homosexual behaviour is the good enough for me! good enough for me! Grolier Encyclopcdia, Sesame norm; he watches this and C is for Cookie, that's Ooooooooooh! "IT'S TWO O'CLOCK!" a Street is "...a television series other sexually explicit scenes good enough for me! Cookie, Cookie, Cookie high pitched voice yells from aimed at entertaining and at least an hour every day C is for Cookie, that's starts with C!" the kitchen. The thirty-year teaching children aged three to while his mother believes he is old mother of three stops her five..., it attempts to stimulate being educated. Not only is baking and listens. Fast-paced the intellectual and cultural Eugene learning to count and footsteps racing down the growth of pre-schoolers by de- to rhyme off the alphabet, he stairs are her reply. She yells veloping primary skills in let- is also bearing witness to ma- out "Don't run!", and smiles to ters, numbers, and rela- ture sexual situations beyond herself - her hour of peace has tionships." Stimulate is right. his comprehension. arrived. Even before they know what Prostitution is encouraged Eugene Jr. plops himself a love is and what sex is, young- by the character called Cookie foot away from the television sters watching Sesame Street Monster — another overtly and changes the channel to the are learning about "rela- sexual figurehead on Sesame one he has memorized - PBS, tionships" of all sexual na- Street. His orgasmic eyes for his favorite show, Sesame tures, degrees, and intensities. demonstrate to the younger Street. Eugene stares intently Eugene watches a scene generation the physical reac- at the screen, slowly being from that day's episode: two tions to the pleasures of pecu- mentally manipulated and men are undressing and get- liar sex acts — making the sexually stirred, while his ting ready for bed. They share children more eager to begin mother relaxes in the kitchen a bedroom; on occasion - a their own experimentation at reading Danielle Steel's latest bed. Two of the most popular an even younger age. The novel. characters on Sesame Street famous Cookie Klymaxx, the The Children's Television are the young homosexual Sesame Street 'nymphet for Network has been producing lovers, Bert and Ernie. As any hire' is the subject of the and airing subliminally young child will tell you, jingle Cookie Monster is damaging children's television Ernie has a fetish for rubber- famous for: shows since 1969; their most duckies and Bert, a penchant popular show is Sesame for pigeons. To Eugene this "C is for Cookie, that's Cookie, Cookie, Cookie stands for C book | mmm BUY BACK! kj/m *J J C Yes, It's true. Tracle iN tNose ' Iff unwantec! Textbooks foR

' : Iharcl CAshl 112 ~ cold J3jgcc&bcr 3,4,5 Decemßer 16,18' 10 Vll 4 January 6f 7 11281129f-10 Vll 7 ThERE is a Santa Clause 'ilyliKi .L Vi alterrn A iii Amzmig Prices! s All! NWSMBE&27, 1991 PRflVDfl WEST: FEATURE 29 subliminal messages us the way we are? Cookie gets her name from the Monster, is constantly com- other. The wide-spread occur- pendages stresses "bigger is been proven to be a healthy way she 'cooks' in bed; the mitting sex acts before the rence of such brother-sister re- better" when it comes to the outlet for sexual tension, chil- 'C' in the song refers not only eyes of young viewers. lationships can be attributed to size of male's sex organs. This dren are beginning to experi- to the first letter of "Cookie", Grover, the lovable pseudo- the moral persuasion exhibited fact can be proven by the in- ment with it at increasingly

— but to the 'C - note' her johns masochist, is constantly in- by these two characters creased sales of the "King younger ages and are tending leave on the bedtable after flicting pain upon himself by Louis and Maria. Kong Schlong", a massive to use their pets and foreign their jaunt between the sheets. running into things and hitting Bestiality is a wide-spread fifteen-inch dildo, since the in- objects when their hands just This song, complete with the himself ~ loving every minute concern of every parent whose troduction of Snuffleupagus to aren't enough to satisfy them: moaning climax of it. Children of an im- child or children have a pet. the cast of Sesame Street. (Ooooooooooh), can be heard pressionable age imitate On Sesame Street, a bizarre Could it be a coincidence that "Rubber duckie, in playgrounds across the con- Grover's violent acts on them- relationship is hinted at be- the CTW owns the sex-toy you're the one... tinent during recess while the selves and others - becoming tween Gordon and Big Bird. company that produces the You make bath-time so children undulate and writhe sado-masochistic themselves, Lingering glances, stolen "King Kong Schlong"? Proba- much fun- around in scanty clothes; it is even before the age of four. caresses, these are the clues bly not. Rubber duckie... sung in praise of the sex-god: Louis and Maria are, in watching parents miss, but Self-stimulation, or mastur- I'm awfully fond of you." Cookie Monster. fact, brother and sister living young children notice, remem- bation, is encouraged by Os- Jingles such as this en- That's not all, however. courage the use of foreign ob- Sexual undertones on jects for sexual gratification in Sesame Street run much young children's masturba- deeper than homosexuality tion. Before long, pre-school children that watch Sesame Street get tired with masturba- Sexual Undertones tion and search out alternate ways to sexually gratify them- on Sesame Street selves and extinguish their growing sexual desires, if only and prostitution. Bestiality, for a short time. phallus-worship, incest, child- molestation, masochism, and Rubber Duckie, masturbation are all en- couraged by the CTW through you're the one Sesame Street. Mr. Hooper, the cherubic The cycle continues, gener- local grocer, has been known ation after generation, each to fondle more than just the becoming even more sexually melons when little boys and active at a younger age than girls go into his store. This ex- the prior, as the CTW con- pression of paedophiliac lust tinues to air Sesame Street and leaves young viewers believ- to sexually arouse the nation's ing that this type of touching young minds. Through the is normal and in fact, some- characters exposed in this arti- thing to look forward to. The cle, the CTW trains young Children's Television Work- minds to idolize such forms of shop, through the lecherous sexual activity. Their plan » to Mr. Hooper, is allowing chil- Bert and Ernie, it's not what you think. sexually develop young minds dren to be more easily ac- across the globe through cessed by sexually depraved in incestuous sin as husband ber, and imitate. Even in liter- car, the anti-social hermit seemingly innocent broad- adult graduates of Sesame and wife. Siblings watching ature before the time of living in a garbage can. He can casts. There seems to be no Street. scenes of Louis and Maria on Sesame Street, the CTW, constantly be heard moaning way to stop this devastating Masochism is illustrated on Sesame Street are prone to which owns Dr. Seuss' pub- and groaning alone in his can, epidemic. The only thing a Sesame Street by another blue simulate their actions and ex- lishing company, has been enjoying his own company. morally stable, discriminating monster, who like Cookie periment sexually with one an- compelling children to engage Although masturbation has citizen can do is to enjoy it. in sexual activities with their pets. Who could forget the in- famous line from Green Eggs and Ham: "Could you, would you, with a goat?" With the ar- rival of Sesame Street though, bestiality has spread to a larger population of youngsters across the nation than pre- viously recorded at the time of Dr. Seuss books. Young boys are always concerned with the small size

of their sexual organs - ever since they first see the size of their father's, they feel in- ferior. This feeling of in- adequacy is strongly re- enforced onto small boys by Snuffleupagus, the imaginary friend of Big Bird, with his immense, phallic-like trunk and tail. To young girls, the Safe sex is good sex! sheer size of his phallic ap- Oooooh, it feels justright. 30 PRflVDfl WEST: ADVERTISEMENT NOVEMBER 17MI fmnwp m\m TDD * For the STUFF you can't buy K/W MulM JliWc.LLtßb - 16 premium name m Specializing in gold jewellery: j stwf |H£9*, ' | BUBBfI'S DELIVERY

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W *11111 ■ J?£Ji 1*511« MUs I CMMUM Conversation overheard in class... lIIk UUKqK ft \*/\J30X01\S with eyes IB If "And then I asked him my |B asked B to ask again yes and then he j 1B r—in fin n fjn r\ nfll _H \ /nnrNflfl me would I yes...and first I put my LlH T rl Ij IIE \\///|\ \| ST Dl \C\ I1II D11III yes and drew him down arms around him rl If 11 I m II J \f //AI U J if II 111 li p^ULI to me so he could feel my breasts all Big 11 I fl I] r \ //*■ V IV L l\ XX perfume yes and his heart was going II M UUUIJ ULnJUulJlJUU Vv/u VA/ like mad and yes I said yes I will yes... 11 SB ti§||t|||||ffl||^^

Go out to Phil's with him for LB IB ■ ■ I © 50 wings and a Pitcher F I UB Say MB Np8i aMy

_ ; 1,_ _ H H I ;.K<.>XW%«>:^>K:;;»?X::;AV.%W.V.W.W.%VAV.%N^VASW.V.V.W.SV..W.W^^.VA%W.%V.W.W.*.VA News: No more stupid headlines Weil, maybe just a few more.... Geraldo screws his brains out Hristes Skelkes denied being another notch in easiest score I've ever made. You kisses she had learned from an But getting back to sex, and P.V. NEWS Rivera's splintered bedpost. can't blame the poor girl for Italian ski instructor at a resort in Geraldo always does, the driven love-master "I fell off the sex wagon but Rivera said they are denying what being sex-starved.Take a look at Switzerland last year. What a hormone a blow by blow descrip- this time I landed with a royal really happened. that geeky big-eared Charley, her Royal treat she was" Rivera delivers bump." "They can lie to the public but husband. How could he possibly added with a chuckle. tion of his romantic interlude with Queen Elizabeth. This was the theme of they can't keep lying to them- compete with a sex god like me." The Geraldo Rivera show has Geraldo Rivera's speech selves... they loved every minute We were discussing the quali- made him a household name "The Queen looked absolutely delivered in an overcrowded Paul of it" Rivera said. ty of the English supermarket without the aid of his dirty books. ravishing in her evening gown. Martins Center yesterday. Rivera, The book has received some tabloids when she cornered me in The show's "tasteful" entries in- When she saw me at the dinner the host of his own week day minor negative reactions in En- the Butlers quarters" he said. cluded lesbian biker nuns, neo- party she howled and started shock-a-rama talk show was at gland except for a few book burn- "She unexpectedly enveloped me nazi shepherds and transvestite swinging from the chandeliers" WLU to talk about his new book ing rallies in Picadilly Circus. with a barrage of tongue probing bodybuilders just to name a few. he said. "We were discussing the quality of English supermarket in a meet the author seminar. But getting back to sex, and Left, flashy motor mouth, still Geraldo always does, the egotisti- tabloids before we made pas- The Geraldo basking in the heat of his con- cal skirt-chaser vividly describes sionate love in the kitchen next to Rivera's troversial bed-and-blab biography his steamy encounters in the a tray of beautifully decorated ex- Exposing Myself, has just com- Royal chambers of love. sexy otic deserts. I sampled a bit of the pleted a second part to his "The Duchess of York, Sarah cousin, chocolate mousse when she autobiography titled Exposing Ferguson, was the first to suc- Billy, who wasn't looking. It's my favorite." Myself Again. cumb to my irresistible advances" gets his Rivera claims that the book The original biography has he said. "We were discussing the own share brings him closer to his audiences come under heavy criticism for quality of English supermarket of tongue because it reveals his most its graphic details of his sexual tabloids when our eyes locked in probing, devastating weaknesses and nasty encounters with famous women. a wanting embrace. I knew she thank you habits. pompous self-acclaimed a In it the wanted me because she showed very much. "I'm so ashamed... My man- sex through the god has flashed protruding interest even though it ners were horrible" Rivera ad- America leav- bedrooms of North wasn't cold" he added. mits. "I was a pig- a grunting of satisfied women ing bazillions Rivera started as a network voracious pig in heat" he added. swooning in his wake. stardom correspondent for 20/20 In the book Rivera said that His sexual prowess has but he quit after Barbara Walters And I'm he couldn't say no when the recently taken him to Bucking- persistently declined his sexual not just England Queen begged him to come back. ham Palace in where he advances. He then received na- saying this claims to have seduced Queen tion wide publicity in a highly "I can't blame them for lust- Elizabeth, Princess Diana and the The Opening to fill rated fiasco called space, ing after me, there is only one Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson Of Capone's Vault that but A 1 I think he's Geraldo. I promised to return the a well as various maids and ser- enabled him to launch his own following week... besides, it's on kinda cute, vants not worth mentioning by tabloid style talk show. the way Margaret Thatcher's eh? to name. But getting back to sex, and place." Of course, most of his "Royal Geraldo always does, Rivera conquests" have vehemently claims that "Princess Di was the BAG O'CONTENTIOUS HEADLINES neck bastards Jobe Brown Red coming "Yes We Don't Like Our Immigration The following are a collection of the contentious headlines from P.V. NEWS demonstration, the third annual Angelfood the now defunct Cord. What with the Pravda West's code of ethics, Policy" taping of "Give Hate a headlines like these will never see print again. There was a light turnout last Thursday night at Cake Bake Sale and the the second meeting of the B.A.R.F. Coalition Chance". The latter of these reiterated strong TANKS! BIG FUCKIN' TANKS! : This one generated a whole shit- (Backward Aryan Redneck Federation), held in refusal correspondence from Bruce Cockburn to load of controversy. It helped generate the "No more fucks in the hooded candlelight under the northwest stairway in lead sing on the recording. The question was raised headline" policy. The new guideline for contentious words is: Bad- the Peters Building. "who the hell wrote to him?" ness of word (on a scale from 0 to 100) multiplied by point size. There was an immediate concern with the meet- Further, a petition of twelve names was signed Can't exceed 104.34points. ing's coverage by Pravda West, but it was quickly protesting the Canadian government's former and cleared up by the gentle(person)man who appeared current policies toward South Africa. They invite WOMEN'S CENTRE OPEN(?) HOUSE : Was a real sleeper. It only to be administering the proceedings. He claimed the other WLU students to sign it (found in the Peters worked when it was combined with a contentious cutline (the subject association needed good relations with the press, as Building Atrium by the burning cross, if it hasn't of a future BAG). Needless to say it didn't go over well with certain the last, "liberal, but kinda fascist" student publica- been removed by now). Finally a letter of recom- readers. tion had been completely negligent in publishing mendation to posthumously award Hitler and Idi to Ainin with (the newly categorized 'hate') Nobel MAN KILLS SELF : Generated several comments about the B.A.R.F. letters to Ihe editor (this reporter spoke sensitivity of the Cord news staff (who were promptly sacked when the former editor of the Cord who expressed con- Prize. The lack of knowledge as to where it should Provda West took over). This headline was tame compared to the cern that these letters had never been received. "No, be sent though tabled the issue. one that was going to be run: GUY OFFS SELF. It wasn't run be- we never got then-. And even if we did, I lost 'em. The B.A.R.F. coalition wished to express thanks cause it wasn't sensitive enough. What of it? I need a drink."). (with one hand behind their back) to Pravda West The meeting opened with the traditional singing and wants everyone to buy tickets ($35) to the First (which may or may oc- IS MANNING ON SPEED? : A rather risky one considering the man of "Dixie" and indoctrination of new members, of Annual Gay Bash Bash not will probably be Prime Minister one day. The headline had nothing to which there were originally supposed to be six but cur due to the "extremely annoying movement in do with the story. This was a continuing problem with the news staff ended as one. The other five apparently had been being politically correct"). and a mighty fine reason to have them sacked. discovered as spies from W.O.W. (Women, Only If anyone wishes to join B.A.R.F. they are wel- Women). They were immediately dismissed and a come to attend the next meeting, to be held either on the seventh floor of the library or the art gallery IS WEIR ON SPEED? : This one was used because "speed" wasn't ten minute search concluded there were not any in the paper, and that just wouldn't do. One of the news editors was sound or visual bags to record the secret ceremony in the John Aird Building (wherever the plaid lum- quoted as saying, "I don't give a flying fuck what he thinks, he's out which followed. berjacket and ceremonial gunrack blend in best). Is- of of here next year anyway." At this point the press was briefly ushered out sues to be discussed shall be the integration an and given an ale to appease them they until anti-anti-smoking law, free subscriptions to "Guns to heavily market white THE PRESS IS A CRUEL GANG OF FAGGOTS : Fisher Sheffield. returned. and Ammo" and the desire >What can I say? Issues that were addressed concerned the up- chocolate at Easter and Christmas. 32 PRflVDfl WEST: NEWS NOVEMBBpZ^wSi The Mephistopholes interview [lie was not being very co- I've got a pretty efficient in- ME: A little touchy about that, HIM: Why shouldn't you? Trapper McGhee operative, and at this point I real- formation gathering system. huh? You know what they say, P.V. NEWS ME: Well, you are the Prince of ized why. The servile shit wasn't ME: Hell's CIA, huh? pride goeth be- Lies. The magic drawn, the circle the Devil's style. Save that for the HIM: Sort of. HIM: Eat me, punk. That pride HIM: Yeah, but why the hell incense burning, the candles lit, angels. This is Satan, man, and ME: Who's the head, Stalin? [/ thing's bogus. They made that up would I lie to you? What makes the incantations you've spoken, and the got to treat him like what laugh. He doesn't. I abruptly stop to make me look bad. I really got you think you're worth the effort? hunger from many days' fasting he is.] laughing.] Er, yeah. So tell me, banished for cheating at cards. Talk about pride. eating at the pit of I i — my stomach, ME: OK, Mr. Mephistopholes, what's hell like? ME: But don't you get off on that awaited the coming of Satan for let's cut the crap and get down. HIM: Getting impatient, are we? stuff? I mean, screwing with us my exclusive Pravda West inter- HIM: Yeah. I'm going to sit. ME: Well, urn, never mind. Next mortals and all? view with the Devil. ME: Of course. question, sort of a supplemental HIM: [Pause.] Maybe. while, came. It took a but he [When you're with a being like to the last one: do you miss ME: Ah. So how's the power disappointing, It was a little this, you don't ask a lot of ques- heaven? structure in hell? Any of the his arrival. No smoke. No tions. For example, I never asked HIM: It's been a long time, you demons causing you trouble? thunder. Just a barely audible huge where the leather chair know? HIM: Kiss off. I'm the boss 'pop!', and there he was, came or of from, the bottle of ME: So I gathered. my domain. Nobody messes rcsplendant in an immaculately Regal. with Chivas Bui the Devil took HIM: But no, not really. It's not me, man, or they get it. tailored three-piece suit. The advantage both.] most of the happening place, you ME: Oh, yeah, right. They're al- Devil. Prince of Lies. Fallen ME: I'll bet you're not asking know? And you just wouldn't be- ready in hell, what are you Angel. Ruler of the Abyss. Well- going why I brought you...er...asked lieve how disconcerting it can be to do to them after that? dressed entity. you to come here. to have to hang around an om- HIM: If you're that I clicked the tape recorder on, interested, a HIM: Bingo, kid. nipotent being like WhatsHisface. demonstration can be arranged. flicked out the tip of my pen, and can I assume you Really fucks up your poker ME: So that pic. ME: Next question. dove right into the interview have a measure of omniscience nights, that's for sure. Beelzebub's promo HIM: No, no more questions. ME: Hi there. yourself? [He waits to see I laugh. I Honest. if That's it, interview's over. HIM: Yeah, right. HIM: If you're asking if I've got don't.] Huh? ME: ME: I don't suppose you've got a ME: Um, how's it going? the same shit happening as What- ME: Ever plan to go back to WhatsHisface booted me HIM: media agent I could get some HIM: Pretty awful, so I'm happy. sHisface, no. If I did, do you heaven? out of heaven -- he and his gimpy press pics from, do you? ME: By the way, I'm Trapper. think I'd be slouching around HIM: No, not really. I mean, once flunkies -- for cheating at poker. Funny, kid. Very ha ha. HIM: I know. here with a mortal? Let's jus^say you're out, you're out. Don't buy ME: But if He's omnipotent, HIM: the bull about penance and what's the point in cheating Here. *liPositej^*aas* [A photo purgatory. A sentence in the against him. He's gonna win of Satan appeared in his and afterlife is forever, man. anyway. hand he gave it to me.] ME: So all the stuff that happens HIM: It was worth a try. ME: I guess an autograph is out down in hell, it's not punishment ME: And wouldn't he know you of the question, huh? of deserved penance, it's just were going to cheat before you HIM: See you soon, punk. your own sadistic playground. did? HIM: Rock and roll! HIM: Yes. Dammit, don't you And then he was gone. Not ME: Sheesh, no wonder He see? I was set up. even a 'pop!' for my benefit. kicked you out. ME: Oh. The Divine Plan. I put out the candles, wiped HIM: Watch it, mortal. I'm still HIM: Call it what you will, I igot away the circle, and took off for KING ST. W 742-7578 number two, and relatively speak- shafted. Burger King. Damn, I was J266 ing you're not even snot. ME: Why should I believe you? hungry.

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o\l & POSTERS, PRINTS, CARDS FRAMING HI,W PLAZA 27, 1991 PRflVDfl WEST; NEWS 33 Wilf's gets serious The staff is desperate. They Wilf's on a Saturday night. If it BAG O'PERVERTS Shelly Rage P.V. NEWS resort to using firearms, cattle was me I would be doing the Combining two popular features of the now-defunct Cord, I present prods, rubber clubs and torture to same thing". the amalgamation of Bag o' Crime and Dear Ouija: Bag o' Perverts. The management and bar staff keep customers from leaving. Laurier security officers were at Wilf's have taken drastic After closing the terrorized not available for comment. Ac- From the WLU Weakly Dortut Report: measures to ensure attendence on victims are dropped of at a street cording to head of security John Saturday nights. corner to wander mindlessly until Baal, "Not one of my officers has PROHIBITED ACT: Non-university male caught masturbating dur- reported for duty this week. The ing Theatre Laurier's gripping production of Deep Throat: The Musi- last time I saw any of them they cal. The perpetrator was referred to the DAC. were headed to Wilf's to do a Dear Pee-Wee, security check." While I'm glad you're at one with yourself so sure in your In an effort to determine the sexuality that you want to share it with everyone, there are some seriousness of the situation things which were meantfor two consenting body parts to do in pri- several people were interviewed vate. in Wilf's on Saturday night. Yours on little blue pills, Ouija. Mike van Newsguy, a regular to Wilf's, was interviewed as he THEFT: WLU student caught breaking into Health Services. Upon was being beaten about the head body search, the miscreant was discovered with various stolen with a rubber club for allegedly prophylactics. getting up to go to the washroom. Dear someone takes them home. rubber-person, Due to the pitiful turnouts, "All I wanted was a Again, I must say 'right direction, wrong action.' Spend a few The authorities, as of yet have Wilf's management and bar staff pint...[illegible comments due to bucks spring some protection. I suppose I should throw in a not taken action. An officer for and for have resorted to kidnapping. a gratuitous remark about 'slippers' but since that's just a really the Waterloo Regional Police, pummeling]...of Rickards and They have been seen as far away fuckin' smoke. Now I have to sit stupid in-joke, maybe I won't. who wished to remain as Guelph stuffing potential here all night. Damn, I have to Yours in thefaith, Ouija. cars to be escorted anonymous was quoted as saying, customers into get that essay finished." "I can't blame them, I've been to to Wilf's. Fisher Sheffield was too busy LOST: a) yet another idiot's wallet, left unattended anywhere on drop kicking a patron in the face campus, and to comment on the situation. b) same idiot: his virginity. Martin "The Real World Dear a&b, Champion" Walkerman was (a) I'm sorry, you truly are an idiot, and (b) I'm really glad for bung handcuffed to a table. "I told you. (Hope your condom wasn't in your wallet.) Well them I had a BOD meeting to go Yours from beyond this mortal coil, Ouija. Milk Vacbes to, but they just wouldn't listen. P.V. MEWS They told me to shut the hell up COPULATING IN PUBLIC: Two WLU students were caught We all thought it, but now we is not even a real school. "Nope, and have fun - no one goes to copulating in the middle of the Quad, Monday morning. After sizing know for sure. The Maclean's we just made that one up. You'd BOD meetings anyway." up the situation, security took the miscreants back to their respective "Ranking the Universities" article figure somebody'd have caught The situation is very serious. residences. Their names were passed on to the DAC. was, to quote an inside source, on to that one," Mr. Source said. The staff are threatening to start Dear Copulating, When asked if Maclean's bringing in Western students if What the hell were you thinking of? Screwing in subzero tempera- planned to print a retraction, the Wilf's doesn't pick up soon. tures? I don't give a crap about the public part, but you must have source replied, "Hell no. We sold Lounge supervisor Dano Daw- been really fired up to do it in the snow. Take some advice from the a whole whack of magazines that sono laid it all on the line, "The All Knowing One and stay indoors next time. Certain bodily organs week; we're doing the same thing students are going to realize that icnd to fall off when frozen. next year, if not sooner. And the we are not screwing around here. kickbacks from McGill, Mt. Al- They will either show up at

lison. . . well, let's just say we Wilf's willingly, or by God we made a few bucks with this will drag their sorry asses down W scam." here ourselves." Unconfirmed rumors suggest The Fig Leaf Jazz Band is

the number one university in the scheduled for next Saturday - bet- country is really Brock. 'Source' ter stay off the streets. laughed, "I'll admit we just made "Just a typo. Well, a whole bunch up our numbers, but really, let's This report was called into of typos." not be silly." the News office since the The source, who wishes to President-to-be, Dr. Lorna reporter, being threatened with a remain unidentified, continued, "I "just short of having a nickname" cattle prod as he was heading for guess it's just a big 'oops' on us. Marsden said the whole scandal the door thought it would be safer Shit happens." is "a real gem." that way. In addition to the typographi- cal errors which accidently placed WLU well down the list, it was revealed to Pravda West that some of the ranking categories were ill-defined, at best. Notably, the section on uni- versity reputation was based on OPT IC A L SHOPPE

"the president's. . . virility. You know,"the source explained, "the size of his John-Henry, his Ws finest iddleEast Cueine" wanker, his—Come to think of it, Explore our Menu for the wide variety of appealing this is the only category WLU appetizers, vegetarian dishes and elegant entrees

came in at anything less than top- ' JH ten." skillfully prepared by our Mid-East chef. Discover Hurrv Responded an mos, Tabbouleh, Ghanouje, Shawerma and other emasculated MjjM.. i|l|p> "M- « Babe John Weir, "Fuck that; I'm as delicious entrees. well hung as the next guy." Not-president-designate, Donald Baker agreed, "I'll say. Try Our Luncheon 'Daily Specials And more." Baker added a jaunty, • Fashion Eye Wear • Eyewear Repairs "Show 'em big guy," but Weir • Contact Lenses • Student Discounts | would only smile like an idiot at i OFF coupon the Pravda West camera-boy. Present this you order and get The Maclean's insider ex- before i Appointment Not Always Necessary, Walk Ins Welcome I $3.00 off your$ 10.00 I plained, "As Western guessed, we I 10am-6pm, 10am-Bpm, am-3pm entree bill . started OPEN: Mon-Diurs Fri Sat 9:30 I the whole thing in an at- Offers Expires Jan 1/92 ,, tempt to demoralize their student na 264 KING W. KITCHENER (AT water) j body by ranking them after even & Guelph. It was just a joke that got k 15 King Street N. (at King Erb) A out of hand, I suppose." fy—r Waterloo, Ontario t-S(\ Further revelations include Telephone: 725-1010 Mount Saint Vincent, ranked 26, IOTM in51 34 PRdVDfI WEST: NEWS MNBIISISPISSI Marty Walkerman: a sick puppy rested for regard- and plays with wrestling Eversady lewd behaviour questionable behaviour during his collects Administrative reaction has Al ing his actions during the deviant be- P.V. NEWS Bare repeated attempts to win at the figure dolls. This been difficult to judge as there Naked Ladies promotion in the new Spiderman Game in the haviour obviously broke through have been no official statements Last night the WLUSU V.P. concourse. He was seen 'copping Games Room. the surface when he lost it near released but there are rumours of Media and Communications a feel' and 'flashing' the manne- These were not isloated inci- the model. Onlookers were the Biology Department ordering Martin "The Real World quin used for the promotion. Fur- dents as various WLUSU sources startled and somewhat offended in a large scalpel for administra- Champion" Walkerman was ar- ther investigations revealed revealed that Walkerman also at his behaviour. tive purposes. Other directives in- One onlooker (identified only as Skalky) said "Why not? I put my arm around her and stuck my tongue in her ear." The possible ramifications Freddy's back from this insipid act boggle the mind. Women's groups, manne- Sam Seifi quin rights activists and other P.V. NEWS special interest groups have al- This Wednesday the ghost of former Queen lead singer (now dead ready expressed their outrage at obviously) was seen lounging by the Shooter bar in the Turret Ap- the insensitivity of the act. One far as to curse eluded the banning of all non- parently there is now more than one rock music ghost in North Amer- group even went so mannequins on ica. him with getting splinters. With celibate univer- property. Mercury was seen chatting up some other rather slightly wispy all the outrage and hostililty over sity figures and reliable sources have them going out and dancing to this issue the only possible result The head of campus security 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love'. Mercury apparently besieged the could be a tarnished image for could not be reached for com- DJ. for other Queen songs during the night. WLUSU. ment but one of the other officers Everything appeared to be going alright with the other Turret Walkerman has said that al- said "Well he does have a valid permit." patrons and Mercury until someone requested 'Ice Ice Baby'. The though he did perpetrate the of- parking final analysis ripoff of the opening motif caused Mercury to start tables lifting off fences in question, he sees noth- In the there is the ground, beer bottles spinning and small pieces of paper to fly ing wrong or immoral about very little we can do other than against the windows and door of the D.J. booth. The poltergeisting them. wait and let the Canadian justice take its due course and stopped at the start of 'Another One Bites the Dust'. "I'd do it all again if I could, system years a The capacity crowd of 24 didn't really seem to notice except but I would probably make sure then wait fifteen for final I hope gets their drinks disappeared at which point they struggled to their that there were no god-damn decision. he castrated when opinion. feet and whined to the management about how the alcohol seemed to cameras around first" but that's only my be watered down. The head of s eurity was not available for comment, but one of the other officers had this to say: "We aren't sure, but we don't think he has a valid parking permit." The night finished without incident as the D.J. closed with 'We Are The Champions'. Mercury and ghostly friend were seen to slow- ly fade away during the final strains. Is this the last Laurier will see of Mercury ? I don'tknow but I think I saw Roy Orbison getting in the S.B.E. elevator. Ingrid on LaurierNesdle crack? P.V. NEWS Youve Found the Place According to authorities, a crack house has been found minutes away from Laurier Uni- versity. It is confirmed to be sup- plying many exam-stressed stu- dents and teachers from Laurier and U.of W. The apartment is located on King street and is officially rented out to four Laurier stu- dents, whose names were un- available. At any time, night or fighting. tenants have been voicing their % day, neighbours claim that Complaints have been voiced concerns since the end of Sep- Restaurants # abusive young people go in and to the superintendent and to the tember, when the aroma of the out of the apartment cursing and landlord, but to no avail. Other apartment began to filter out into the halls and into the neighbour- ing apartments. One girl passing the apart- ment was heard commenting, "Something really stinks like fish around here." They had eaten fish a week and a half ago. Good Friends, Great Every Tirpe! ~ * ■ The apartment across the hall I muffler king® is very vocal about the state of the offending apartment. One of I ■■■■■■■■■■■■■| the girls, who wished to remain DUTY nameless, said, "The assholes Need a Christmas Gift for Vour Parents i HEAVY keep coming in here and stealing our cutlery. It's time they did Buy a Gift Certificate their bloody dishes." j The drugs confiscated from i MUFFLER_ Installed. Book Vour Christmas Parties the apartment total close to Today Before Its Too Late $10,000. This is rumoured to only represent a small amount of the 10% OFF sr! drugs being bought and sold, but 112 i step ahead the dealers were one I j i of the drug squad. According to the tenant in Rd.E. room C in the apartment, known 94 Bridgeport as "The Godfather", Laurier students, bring vour ID. and "No one can beat me, man. I I You know what I'm saying? Waterloo get a adioni 10K d rule." The rest of the foursome, 255 St N. 1227 King St E. 1200 Victoria known as Skip, Woody, and the 725-9999 | I Weber for 1 I Waterloo Kitchener Music Man, were unavailable 885-6110 570-3850 571-1700 comment. MWEMBSR 27, 1991 PRflVDfl WEST: NEWS 35 Campus security a hoax Tarry Slegan with a case of beer...all we have O' Crime" column every gas leak, and three drunk and dis- week." P.V. NEW lo do to maintain order here is to week...convincing people that we orderlies "all occuring within the Scooby-doo could not be The WLU Security Team's get some scab cops to drive still have a full-time security confines of our campus that reached tor comment. strike against the Wilfrid Laurier around campus for about 2 hours force...all the while suppressing University administration for bet- a day, and everybody thinks twice news on the actual strike...what a ter wages, and a new squad of about acting up." prince." cars, entered its 127th consecu- "Oh, and that [News Editor Van Bodegom confirmed tive week yesterday. Michael] Van Bodcgom guy has today that the "January 9 - Janu- Noting that WLU has been been indispensable...really, agree- ary 16, 1992 Security Report" without security services for over ing to make up that bogus "Bag will list two.murders, one natural two years now, university presi- dent Dr. John Weird said: "It's a a compass good thing that nobody on Get campus actually does anything." Psyche Compared to other university Werd P.V. NEWS campuses, where students regu- STUDENT LOST!! drunk, carry- larly stagger around ON LAURIER CAMPUS?! ing open bottles of vodka, and smashing windows that get in Yes, it is sadly true. Just yesterday a maintenance crew found a their Dr. Weird commented: be- way, wildered and bedraggled female student wandering aimlessly around "Laurier has the advantage of the Laurier campus. being small...here you'd stand out It appears that she is a first year student of confusion! When asked you walked around campus if if she needed help, she replied that she was "late for the Jeff Healey concert", and if she didn't make it on time, she "wouldn't find out who ruled Frosh Week!" The girl was immediately rushed to health services where she was Slippers revolt sedated and questioned. It was discovered that she had been travelling down the tunnel from the Arts Building to the Peters Building and Crafty Christins readable and full of sex". had taken the wrong door. She remained locked in the basement of P.V. IN-JOKE According to slipper member, Jana Banana, the Peters Building until she lost enough weight to slide under the Late last night a group of girls calling them- "Slippers stand for more than just footwear. We door. Upon re-entry to the social stream she became hysterical, giving selves members of the Secret Society of Sensuous represent an attitude". This attitude has spread way to her present state. Slippers bombarded the Pravda West offices wear- throughout the Pravda West offices and news She claims she was "overwhelmed" by the size of the Laurier ing nothing but their slippers and machine guns. writers are now starting to consider themselves campus, at the ease of which she became lost, and that she was "fear- Editor in Chief, Wood Nymph, has been held "Great" and "Sexy". A phenomenon like this hasn't ful" of the massive crowds of students in the halls. She has been hostage until the first issue is printed. occurred since the Rocky Horror Picture Show or recommended to a therapist for the'treatment of agoraphobia. The Slippers hope to radically change the the Russian Revolution. We can only be thankful that this girl did not choose to attend a Pravda West creating stories students actually There will be less news, more sports, more arti- "real size" university, but instead chose the high school down the WANT to hear. As said by slipper master Crafty cles about sex and more Ouija. Sensuous Slipper street. Imagine what would have happened if she had been at the Christina, "We're sick of bogus news articles put- Sally said, "Anyone who says otherwise will get U of W?! ting us to sleep. We want content that is fun and their heads castrated!"

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*************************************! 36 PRHVDfI WEST: NEWS NO»IBB^39i Where the hell is Jerry Slawgun Fisher Sheffield? Minister's Officc), "We did not stuff too." The Canadian dollar rose an al- dian bonds sky-rocketed, around P.V. NEWS talk about Fisher entering politics Despite the ,'peculative, at most unprecedented 82 basis the world. Sources high in Ottawa have as a Conservative candidate. And best, nature of the "Sheffield- points in one day. Fisher Sheffield disclosed that a top-level meeting could not be there was no mention made of my Mulroney" talks, as they've been As well, the stock reached for comment, recently took place markets in as he is between appointment to the Canadian dubbed, there is no denying the Tokyo reacted, believed either Prime Minister Brian Mulroney New York and to dead, or on Senate if Fisher did agree to effect on the international scene. say the least, well. Sales in Cana- spiritual sabbatical in Tibet. Safe watersports Vaddi water is a year round safety prob- in the tub. lem, besides the boss had a P.V. MEWS Response on campus is nephew who needed a job." also Ail this week Wilfrid Laurier favorable. One student who was will be in " University working The new president Lorna approached had this to say, I conjunction with the O.P.P. and think it's a great idea and I'm the Canadian Coastguard to in- glad to see that the University is stitute (Lifejacket Aware- LAW taking adequate steps to make Week). growing ness The number plain their position in this matter. of marine fatalities have the authorities concerned. As usual they have done the Over the next few months correct thing to address this Mulroney and Ted Cruise discuss chicks and the Canadian they will be campaigning the na- politically sensitive issue." Uni- political scene, sans Fisher Sheffield. tion to make people aware about versity staff was seen this morn- and Fisher Sheffield number-two, throw his hat into the political the hazards of boating. Several ing preparing the new statue Tod Cruise. ring. different events will be planned found in the quad. In keeping Cruise, the so-called "close Mr. Mulroney was not quite so e

gedCancer and nosehairs P.V. NEWS Shocking reports from Ottawa reveal that our beloved Prime Min- ister has terminal cancer. It was located in one of his nose hairs early Monday morning by Mulroney's breakfast doctors while he ate his Wheaties. The doctors say that the greatest problem for them and Mulroney is that although the cancer is restricted to the very small region of one nose hair, amputation is impossible, as most of the Prime Minister's brains are located in this area. Several options are now said to be available for him. One is to clip the nose hair despite brain loss and hope that nobody notices. Another is to call Bush and ask him if he would like the rest of Cana- da in trade for the cost of radiation treatment. The final option left to the Prime Minister is to stop thinking forever, which will not remove the cancer but will stop it from spreading. The Prime Minister remained very calm during Monday afternoon's news conference stating "Canadians need not worry, I don't think that we will need to raise taxes...".

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-WE WANT YOU! Recreation Leadership This exciting, intensive one year program is all you need / - Applications are available at CBC / / * and National Film Board for a rewarding career in recreation. ytl Our instructors are all top quality industry professionals a I offices across the country and the ensures you'll \ i as well as Why Not Productions Inc. extensive field practice component ""A \ mf' M 700 King Street West, #606 learn current skills right on the job. Toronto, Ontario This program is scheduled to begin in September '92. Applications are now being accepted. Applications tnust be received For admission requirements January 6, 1992. IJjl imhpr r J9k no later than or further information, (Q©LlU@g@ piease ca[[ Susan Goodman, Produced by PoSios and ( !$SBr CBC Television (416) 675-3111 ext 4212. IPC 'T' THOlggre NOVEMBER 27, 1991 PRflVDfl WEST: NEWS 37 Women and penile irresponsibility P.P. Over-dene originally entrusting it to their nccessary player in the perpetuity rodents and lagomorphs. How- and useless as reproductive tools. P.V. COMMENTARY keeping ought to go thanks for of our race and, further, that that ever, although the rodents and Similar considerations rule vote affirmation; perpetuity Perhaps it is time for women the of however, is desirable, we must lagomorphs seem to be well- out most phylla within the animal men have clearly shown them- shift the brunt of to take over control of the penis. responsibility suited, we must remember that kingdom, excepting man. Our For some time now, the penis selves incapable of judicious use for carrying the male genitals on the spontaneous variation in size naturally patriarchal language has been in the hands of men and of their member. to some other part)'. and turgidity of the penis could eases neglect of one last option. to whomever is responsible for Given that penises are a Clearly, requirements for the only be deleterious to the Perhaps women could, if willing responsible party are an übiqui- animal's ability to evade preda- to assume the yoke phallus, prove tous dispersal and a ready will- tion, with the unfortunate result to be more responsible wielders ingness to copulate. We, of that our penises would soon be of the penis than men have shown BAG O'BUCKLEY course, think immediately of the incorporated into the food chain themselves to be. "The weekly ins and outs ofFisher Sheffield's trash basket" Diaper history offered Editor's Note: Since Buckley Blackhawk got canned as Editor-in- Barry T. Armstrang However students need not worry as, iwo Chief of The Cord, he's been demoted to the boy who cleans out my P.V. NEWS highly qualified masters students from Lakehead ashtray, keeps my liquor cabinet stocked, etc., etc. Drastic changes to the honours history program will be filling in." As well the History office's The following is an itemized report, by Buckley Blackhawk, of were announced Monday, by department chair, Dr. crack secretary Eva will be asked to assume part- what he found in my trash the week of November 14 - November 21, Harking and VP Donald Babbitt. Last year the pro- time teaching duties. When questioned about her 1991. gram had been revamped, dropping the mandatory seeming of academic qualifications, Harking PIECE OF PAPER, crumbled, with only the signature "Fisher Shef- thesis, and reducing the number of fourth year replied, "Well, she may not have published as much field" written on it approximately one hundred times, seminars required for the honours degree. As well, as Berry Gruff, but then again who among us has." the number of courses taught was reduced because According to Babbitt, "Because of our financial PHOTOGRAPH, signed Wishes, Kathleen A FRAMED "Best many faculty members were on sabbatical leave. situation, which is the fault of the provincial many (ow) sharp shards, Turner", with the glass broken into This year further changes will see the actual government, we may have to eliminate certain A TAPE CASSETTE, of Morrissey's "Bona Drag", unremoved from elimination of the fourth year of the honours pro- courses and slightly increase enrolment in others the plastic wrapper, gram. According to Babbitt this extreme move was but I don't think that there will be any effect on the due to budgetary restraints, "The elimination of the quality of education". ONE SHORT-SLEEVE SHIRT, shredded and bloodied, of 100% cot- fourth year to certain four year arts degrees was the students need not as ton variation, Harking stated that worry only way we could solve our financial problems there will be a. variety of interesting and extremely SEVERAL LOVE LETTERS TO CAROLINE MULRONEY, without laying off redundant administrative staff, relevant courses to choose from. These include: poorly-typed, unfinished affecting the quality of the business program or AT LEAST TWO DOZEN BANDAIDS, blood-soaked and "soggy" altering the generally top heavy organization of the university." History 202 - The social Canadian history of Mini- SEVERAL OBSCENELY LARGE wads of chewed up bubble gum According to Dr. Harking, chronic under- ng in Ontario 1650-1700 (at least I think it's chewing gum), staffing also played a major role in the decision, "I LETTER FROM GEORGE BUSH, personally thanking him for "the am aware that this is a drastic move, but we are History 103 x - The social history of Canadian cot- stuff-job you did on that Walleye we bagged last summer", facing increased enrolment without a corresponding ton diaper manufacturing 1867-1960 increase in the number of faculty." ONE COSTUME, red and blue with a red cape and a large yellow When asked if this situation might not improve History 227 - The Canadian social history of Bison stylized "S" on the chest, hastily stuffed in the trash, as if he threw it when the bulk of Laurier's history professor's Herding uway in embarrassment return from sabbatical, a red-faced Harking stated that "due to an unfortunate scheduling error, the History 666 - Medieval Manchu Chinese Dynastic entire faculty will be on academic leave next year." History: A Socio-Canadian perspective. Vol's Top Ten | 1) Mannequin II Il] PTITT [ Q 2) Soapdish |I] M » 3) Toy Soldier f|J to- II 4) Scanners II 1 B Ug*""* H 5) Only the Lonely 1 II /Th wt fC II 6) Out for Justice S n Sji /'srf I H 7) Rage in Harlem Il] W Ivr iII 8) Hudson Henk I |J 112 H 9) Backdraft 1 1] 11 10) FX2 I II 1 mi H Conversation overheard in class... I K ■I"And then .1 asked him with my eyes | I AW m. !■ WJ I mm" jj to ask again yes and then he asked L B I ■JkwlV Bft M me would I yes...and first I put my L K Till "lII]" ~J m M » M I J J M II arms around him yes and drew him down I M | |1 to me so he could feel my breasts all I | B JM perfume yes and heart was going I 3 |f|Tjj^*|jl]JTlfMlHVf)l|Wo'l J *]Ml| Jj like mad and yes I said yes I will yes... I J SB Go to Phil's with him for 38 PRflVPfl WEST: CLASSIFIEDS THURSDAY Rudolph's Raunchy Ads

M * f\ I . I We've got what YOU need! II J Men! Women! Farm Animals! Attention Students! Are you Desperately Seeking Ernie. I Cheap rates and Student Specials broke? Haven't eaten in 3 days? came home and your rubber I Can't be bothered with a real job? duckies were gone! Please fi \ II I on Weekdays. Call today! 555- come III I >1 I HV -- If 11 I I I fl I 1 5555. Well look no further. Guido's back the pigeons miss you. v vivVAlfllVV Drug Emporium pays cold, hard, Bert. SNOW REMOVAL!! Hate Your non-taxable, non-traceable cash. C//y2f -T X Another One Bites The Dust! Neighbour? Pay us and we'll put For a very private interview be at CLAUDE: 'twas the night before \ We'll Miss You Freddy!!!!!! y0ur snow on driveway! the corner of King and Duke at Christmas, when all through the l their Call Now!!! 999-#!@? 4:57pm. Come alone, no cops house you could hear the Land- FROSTY IS GONE! Sue to un- ——— please. lady from Hell banging about! \m foreseen circumstances, Frosty SCAB WORKERS!! Elves on Her cats were a'scratchin'and a' has melted and will not be able to Strike! Bells and Pointed Shoes Ward, don't you think you were a crying too!'Cause Christmas just attend Christmas this year. Provided. little hard on won't be the same without you! -■ Call 1-800-North-Pole. the beaver last

P ' """" W £ . night? June. Think of me in the good old U.K.

Deepest Sympathies to Grandpa | LoveLaslow!

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a ' a ' §jp was trampled in an Elf riot yester- y°u us we Hey, D.K: Happy Birthday! •"EWTfiZ: £ nji d morning. Authentic Santa Claus Suit. Size seriously consider refunding your Now that you've ruined Sesame XXXL. Real Human Beard In- money. Street for me! -Laz-. <£ eluded. (Freshly shaved). Only | ft J | $19.99. Call I-8OO-NORTH Do you think Golden Girl Bea 1 fl I {\ POLE. Mrs. Claus. Arthur is the sexiest woman "V- x LONG BOMB BASH Vanier VV HI II £II M ° - i Cup Warm-Up Party, Band if q V\/\A q /vkq wered yes (or even thought about

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——— - Copa, \ — Food Door Prizes. The it'V/ / //f 8pm $10. VOLUNTEERS NEEDED FOR , • / "/ Toronto. Nov.28th nwr nACU ,, / LONG BOMB BASH Vanier / W HUMAN CHRISTMAS TREE!! AsdjjW i Cup Warm-Up Party; - LONG BOMB BASH Vanier If you or anyone you know are M)j Band " -AA A\ ™od Door Cup Warm-Up Party - interested in decorating a Christ- Phzcs. The Copa, My Band ©dgwo C

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COLLEI OR'S EDITION 1991 VANiER CUP BANNER 2 Vanier Cup Pull-Out Feature How they line up. MOIINTIIS T HAWKS 1 QB JeffFinley 9 QB Bill Kubas 2 DB Daniel Caya f|f| l|gj 10 QB Chris Janzen 5 RB Guy Messervier 12 QB Todd Follis 6 SB MarkHuys j||| ill 16 DB Timßisci 7 p Ron Squires 17 WR Rob Bibaric 9 DB MaddyLacroix 18 WR Andy Scharschmidt 10 QB SeanHickey li 19 DB Greg Knox 11 QB Patrick Cloutier 20 DB Chris Armor 20 WR Sonny Lacroix 21 DB Greg Sweeney 21 DB Cameron Nelson 22 SB Pat O'Leary 22 R Brent Wetmore 23 DB DanTosello 24 DB John Kosempel 24 DB Sean Morris 25 DB/K Eric Deegan 26 SB Craig Brenner 26 RB Shane McCready HIB 27 RB Andy Cecchini 27 RB Spencer Grabe ||jfK 28 DB Marty Peric 28 DB Terry Bachmann Bl IB 29 RB Andrew Yearwood 29 DB Peter Crawford 30 DB Lonny Taylor 30 DB Stephane Riggi 32 RB Brian Niemy 32 FB MikeGibbens Jjg |j|. 33 RB Chris Redguard 33 RB John Stanfield ; 34 LB Rohan Joseph

34 RB Grant Keaney / . 35 RB P.J. Martin 35 FB Vincent Risbourg 36 LB BillHallett

36 FB Scott O'Neal s % 40 c Tom Heighway 41 OLB Edward Knaggs 41 DB John Campbell 42 ILB Phil MacDonald 42 OL John Palmer ' 43 OLB Bobby Yeamans 43 LB Dave O'Reilly 44 DB John Rickard 44 LB Mike Cheevers 45 OLB Peter Mclntyre 45 LB Marty Robinson 48 DB MikeDolan 46 DL VinceVavala 50 DI Ron Tait 50 OL Ed Schroeder 52 OL Brad Barker 51 OL . MikeJardine hr 112 60 OL Shawn Mansfield 54 OL Dwayne Cooper 61 OL Kirk Beaumont 55 LB Jimßurkitt 62 OL Stephane Bourassa 56 OL Glenn Ferguson 63 OL Tim O'Leary P 57 0L Gregg Fleet 64 DL Mike Brown JH wmt 60 DE Hugh Lawson 63 DL Paul Stoppenbrink 68 DL Scott Anderson ;; i 72 R Darren Bruce 65 OL Peter Gisbom 74 R Jonas Colter MJE 66 DL Reinhardt Keller 75 R Scott Ellison M M 67 OL Derek Johnson 76 R Bill Anderson JBfc 68 LB Dave Nagy 78 R William Dennis ''O K Spiros Anastaskakis 97 DL Scbastien Moreau Tptf 1 98 DL Mario Robert NG Mark Ferguson 99 ILB George Wright 89 WR Brent Stucke Vanier Cup Pull-Out Feature 3 COLLECTOR'S EDITION 1991 VANIER CUP PROGRAM

This eight page pull-out feature has everything you need to know about this year's Vanier Cup. Take it to the game with you (be sure to wave the banner on the front page), or keep it handy as you watch the action on TV. It's got the full team rosters for the Hawks and the Mounties, predictions on the game from noted football authorities, cheers, and expert commentary on how the two teams stack up — what to expect, and what to be on the look out for. You're welcome.

Compiled by Paul Reed and fraser kirby, production by Niki Westman. Thanks also to J. B. THE GOLDEN HAWKS THE OFFENSIVE STORY by spenser grey rose to the challenge and pro- 'pass and shoot' offense had cost Hawk offense. Look at the facts: scored first down after first down. Cord Sports duced the best defense in the na- them too many interceptions and Brent Stuke proved that despite tion. wasted possessions. - Bill Kubas was the Rookie of his injured leg he could pull down When the season began for The offense, however, has Injuries, too, cost the Hawks the year last year and is second in the ball flawlessly for a very the football Hawks this year been a source of constant concern dearly. Brent Stuke was absent the league in passing. potent short passing game. much attention was focused on for head coach Rich New- for the loss to the Waterloo War- - Andy Cecchini is sth in scoring This ability to ignore injury the loss of solid defenders like borough. After the demoralizing riors, as was Stephan Ptaszek, in the league. highlights the other important ele- Clive Tharby and Don Com- loss to Western earlier in the sea- who, despite being put on the in- - Spiros Anastaskis is second in ments that the Hawks can lay pagnon. Many people felt that the son offensive coordinator Rick jury list in the game against the the league. claim to: their character and defense had some serious gaps Zinich had his work cut out for Varsity Blues, is still second in -Stephan Ptaszek is second in the desire. In a game where intensity that would be tough to fill. Yet him. He was forced to remotivate overall punt returns in the league. league in punt returns. is essential, the Hawks' ability to men like Fred Grossman, Rein- and re-organizc his offense. It's statistics like Ptaszek's -Fred Grossman is fourth in the make the kind of come-back they hardt Keller and Hugh Lawson Reliance on the one-dimensional that tell the strange story of the league in interceptions. made against Queen's can not be victories "The secret to our "Veterans on the team over the 'Stangs and the want to leave Laurier with Gaels was our offensive a Vanier Cup victory." flexibility" underrated. Veterans like Cec- Despite these figures Laurier chini want to leave Laurier with a finished 7th overall in the season Vanier victory behind them. behind the Gaels, the Mustangs Great strength of character, and the Mounties. demonstrated by Kubas' or- The secret to our victories chestration of the game-winning over the 'Stangs and The Gaels drive against Western despite in- was the offense's flexibility. The jury, will be the deciding factor story of our comeback victory for the Laurier offense. over Queen's was the offense's The solid Mountie defense, ability to turn on our running known for its aggresive pass stop- game. When Kubas utilized Cec- ping ability, will have its hands chini, Chic produced consistently. full keeping up with the Martin came alive for a short flexibility and intensity of the gain, slow driving offense that Hawk drive. THE DEFENSIVE STORY by bob dylan pagnon, and Tony Wilson and allowed 34 points to a team that potent passing game of the Blues. to the Warriors. This time the Cord Sports John Tavares, both defensive had a predictable run-oriented of- It was a game which saw the re- Hawks held them to a mere five backs. All of these men were fense. In that game, the defense placement of Blues' starting points and shutdown the strong In the preseason press release OUAA All-Stars last year. could not pack up the inside quarterback Eugene Buccigrossi running and weak passing game from the Wilfrid Laurier Golden The loss of these individuals enough to stop running back Tom by his back up Mario Sturino be- of the Warriors. Hawks it said that, "Defensively, seemed significant at certain Chartois. cause of the effective defense. From there the Golden Hawk the Hawks have some big holes to times this year. Against the Pur- There were many bright spots This game also featured the defense took off. In a thriller at fill." At certain times this season, ple Satan, Western, the defense to the Laurier defense this year, Hawks' ability to hit hard and J.W. Little Stadium in London, the defensive unit of the Hawks collapsed in the second half and which surprised just about every- play with high intensity through- the defense held the multi- have proven this prediction true. allowed 43 unanswered points to one. The defense shutout the out the whole game. dimensional, multi-talented Losses the defense suffered at the the potent Mustangs. In the final Toronto Varsity Blues in a Another bright spot for the Mustang offense to 12 measly end of last season included ALL game of the season, Laurier suf- Laurier 18-0 romp at Varsity Hawks was their first playoff points. Despite a last minute CANADIAN linebacker Clive fered their only other loss to the Stadium. The Hawks showed game against the Waterloo War- Tharby, defensive end Dan Com- Waterloo Warriors. The defense their ability to shutdown the riors, just a week after their loss CONT... 4 Vanier Cup Pull-Out Feature THE NO. 1 DEFENSE heavy hitters. Fred surge by the Mustangs, the The defense has shown the defensive lineman Hugh Lawson. who are both Hawks have the ability to shut- Grossman, from his linebacker defense deserved most of the ability to shutdown both the run- Linebacker Jim Burkitt had a big down the run inside and outside Bisci and Greg Knox credit for the win. They held the ning and passing games of two of year for the Hawks as did safety spot, Tim and have done so against the likes of Western offense time and time the most multi-dimensional of- Greg Knox. lead the defense in the secondary Western's Tim Tindale and again until late in the second half fenses in the nation, Queen's and Every player on the defense and also lead the team in inter- Queen's Brad Elberg. The defense is a when Bill Kubas led the offense Western. It is a defense led by should be mentioned for their ceptions. They are three of the tough, solid style of play defense that down field for the leading touch- OUAA All Stars Fred Grossman play over the last 3 playoff most feared passed defenders in enjoys hitting-hard. The pass rush down. In fact, the only Western as linebacker, and defensive end games. Unfortunately, there is not the CIAU. Against the rush again usual- ly involves just three men, touchdown was set up by a trick Reinhardt Keller. Two other big enough room. The pass rush for the nod goes to Reinhardt Keller, Keller, Lawson and Mark Ferguson. field goal and a pass by Western leaders on the defensive unit who Laurier is spearheaded by Rein- Hugh Lawson and Fred This pass rush gets kickei Jagas. should have been All-Stars were hardt Keller and Hugh Lawson, Grossman. The key, though, for the job done Frank thoroughly Then, in the Churchill Bowl, cornerback Tim Bisci and who are both good in pursuit and the Hawks is Jim Burkitt. The and makes for a long day for opposing quarterbacks. it was down to the Hawks and the around, the defense Gaels. In the first half, it looked All have been overachievers all year like it was the predicted Hawks' and deserve a lot credit for defense with many holes who the Hawks' spot the Vanier showed up. On Queen's first in Cup. Though there are many good drive, they scored a major. The defenses in the CIAU, only defense allowed 22 first half the Hawks defense has the ability to points. But in the second half, turn a game around. They have with a few minor adjustments and done it time and time again this a lot of intensity, the defense season. fact, it can be said that shutdown the Queen's offense In and shut them out on the JUM- the Golden Hawk defense is num- ber one BOTRON. in the nation. MOUNT ALLISON...THE DEFENSE AUAA All-Stars. Bobby Yeamans. The secondary Mounties has come up big, time are the current reigning Vanier by bob dylan This year, the Mounties had to was led once again by Maddy and again to stop long drives by Cup champions, had a choice of Cord Sports rcplace the likes of Randy Power Lacroix and includes talented their opponents. They did this two very talented quarterbacks to (now with the Calgary men like Daniel Caya, John against St. Mary's in the playoffs. choose from. Unfortunately for The Mount Allison Mounties' Stampeders), and Jim Cochrane. Kosempl and Terry Bachmann. Against another "Huskies" them, neither one of them could defense on paper looks very, very Fortunately for the Mounties, The Mounties defense in the squad in the Atlantic Bowl, the do much against Mount Allison. intimidating. During the season they had more than enough talent playoffs has shown its talent and Mounties 'D' came up big once The Mounties' pride and joy, and in the playoffs, the Mounties' to do so. Scott Anderson has got ability to dominate a game. again. On a cold Saturday held the Huskies to a mere 14 defense has been just that- the job done on the defensive line Against St. Mary's, they shut- afternoon in Halifax, the points in their 31-14 rout of the intimidating. The Mounties' all year, while the linebacking down any sort of offense the Hus- Mounties' defense made the Sas- Huskies. Their defensive line defense has led the way for Mt. corps include a plethora of kies tried to muster. Despite the katchewan Huskies' long trip consistently thwarted Sas- Allison over the past two years. talented newcomers, such as loss of defensive halfback Jamie from out west an even longer one. katchewan's pivots effectiveness Last year, they surprised every- David Luna, Matt Thorpe, and Grey, the secondary for the The Saskatchewan Huskies, who all game long. The secondary one in the CIAU with an excep- came up with a couple of key in- tional year especially for the terceptions and many knock- Mounties' defense. downs on passes. The defense last year was OFFENSE The Mounties' defense has THE that in pressure Kubas maintains headed by this year's Head by spenser grey derrated in the Atlantic confer- been the key to their success all the CIAU. Coach, 28 year old Marc Cord Sports ence. The Mounties have also year and have been so by relying Attention should be paid to Loranger. The CIAU saw the added some new significant talent on a couple of key ingredients. receivers Dave Courtemanche likes of linebacker Randy Power, The Mount 'A' Mounties of- to their rosters. Junior Stephane Namely, aggressiveness, the will- and Sonny Lacroix. Both rookies who was the President's Trophy fense is a story of both old and Bourassa and sophs Wayne ingness to gamble and the ability have solid high school back- winner as the outstanding new. The O line is one of the Cryderman and Kirk Beaumont to scare opponent's offenses with grounds and are noted for their Defensive Player of the Year in most experienced and strongest in are potential All-star material. their shattering hits that are al- speed and soft touch with the Scbastien as the nation. Their offensive team The drive of the Mountie of- ways delivered with timely con- the CIAU. Moreau ball. defensive end was also on the contains four AUAA All-stars in- fense is lead by rookie quarter- sistency. The crux of the Mountie's of- 1990 ALL CANADIAN roster. cluding centre Mike Jardine, backs just as the Hawk offense is, That is why the Mount Al- a The defense was also anchored tackles Tim O'Leary and Shawn but don't expect the character of fense is their utilization of solid lison Mounties have one of the to back up more ex- by defensive end Jim Cochrane, Mansfield and runningback Grant Bill Kubas from either Patrick O line their ranked defenses in the nation perienced running backs. Produc- top linebacker George Wright and Ecaney. Coutier or Sean Hickey. While once again. tion from the receivers prob- cornerback Maddy Lacroix, both This team has long lived in both have impressive high-school will the shadow of Chris Flynn's Hus- and CIAU records they both lack ably be contained by the Hawk kies and has often been un- the raw talent and the exposure to defense. FACTOR "X" the Mustangs Pat THE partial against Punter/kicker/receiver Spiros Anastaskis was second well. one in scoring in the OUAA this year On punt blocks, there is no and the Hawks came close many O'Leary, Laurier's version of Bo logging over 70 points in field better in the CIAU than other times against both teams. Jackson (he plays hockey for the one has goals. Laurier. When one is needed, Against the Golden Gaels in the Hawks in the "off season") in the The Hawks punt return team they come up with one. The lead- Churchill Bowl, the Hawks came done an incredible job playoffs. He has gotten the by spenser grey and bob dylan was no slouch either. Stephan ers in this special category is Tim close many times and caused two out tight spots in Sports was second in the league Bisci and Reinhardt Keller. Even missed snaps on punts. One, deep Hawks of many Cord Ptaszek high and in punt returns despite injury ear- do not have a in the Queen's end caused a the playoffs with his if the Hawks the ly in the season. His role was blocked punt or partial blocked touchdown when Bisci made the long punts which allow up and pre- picked up quite impressively by punt at the end of the game, the smart play in the end zone and in- coverage team to set vent long returns. O'Leary's In CIAU action special teams Lonny Taylor whose 52 yard fear of the doing so causes teams stead of going for the ball took punts, at times, have kept the are not often the game deciders return in the victory over Western to make mistakes. out the punter and allowed Dan Hawks alive. they are in CFL action. The quali- was instrumental, setting up the Against Waterloo in regular Tosello to recover the ball and get That is why the Hawks spe- ty and consistency of the special game winning TD by Kubas. season, Keller had a blocked punt the major. This sparked the cial teams, which they take pride teams are just not their. Tliis is Taylor Doubles as the teams that set up a field goal. In the Laurier offense and led the in, will be the X-FACTOR in the not however the case with the cornerback and has come up with playoffs, Bisci blocked a punt Hawks to the biggest comeback Vanier Cup. Golden Hawks. some solid defense efforts as against the Warriors, Keller had a in playoff history. Vanier fCkjP Pull-Qut Feature 5 BIG PICS AROUND CAMPUS

- Rich Newborough • Coach ofthe Jim Wilgar - Associate Vice- Drew Ness Liason officer WLUfootball Hawks President Personnel/University Affairs "The Hawks will dominate "Well that gutsy the game. We're bigger, and we sonavabitch... [referring to Dean "Easy. Laurier's game by 10 have more experience in the Nichols]...No sir, no prediction points. We're healthy and we 'Dome. Besides that we have from me, I don't do that." have a strong commitment. It's some veterans who are really our turn. We have the raw talent ready, like Fred Grossman and to do it. This year's team is a Andy [Cecchini]. The Hawks will team that, when the chips are win 35-15." down, works as a team. This was never more evident than versus Western. They had to dig in that game. All this is a very powerful combination."

Dr. John Weir - WLU President

"We're going to win by 1 Touchdown. They are a pretty good team and they want to win as much as we do. We shouldn't count them out yet."

Paul Reed - Sports Editor, The Cord

"What can I say? I'm an ar- Fred •Dean Nichols ofStudents rogant son-of-a-bitch. The Mike Belanger - Director of Hawks take this one by 15 points. Housing "I think next Saturday will be Two TD's and a single. If Kubas Uie greatest day in Laurier foot- connects with Stuke and O'Leary "I predict a low scoring game. ball history. Laurier will win the on the hitch passes, then it's in 27-25 for Laurier. Laurier will be by points game 20 or three touch- the bag. Both defenses are tough, ahead early and have to hang on downs...". but our 'D' is number 1, brother Nick Jimenez through the late goings. I think and they'll prove it again. They President, WLUSU we will run the ball more than have a HUGE O-line, but we pass it. The Mount A. team is a have the special teams, and no "The score will be 37 to 3...just tough one though. It will be an one can top that. We also have like Maclean's said." exciting game." something the nation doesn't know about - THE NUMBER

ONE FANS! GO HAWKS! Mark Hand - Editor-in-Chief, The Cord

"Look, we've never won this Vanier thing before, and we never will. It's like the Jays: go like Martin Walker hell, get everyone psyched, and V.P. Media and Communica- then crash & burn when it comes tions to the crunch. It's damn amazing we even made it this far. I figure "I think it's going to be a the massacre will start more or close game. Both teams have less as soon as the guy with the strong defensive lines and I pre- foot cushion kicks it for the first dict the game to be a low scoring time...what do they call that? Oh game. But we have an awesome yeah, the opening kick-off. From Brock Greenhalgh - former team and equally amazing fan there it's one express elevator to Sports Editor, The Cord support. It's going to be the fan hell, going down. Then everyone support that will push us over the will be their usual fickle selves "I predict stunning another top. I predict thatLaurier will win and forget that we even have a Hawks comeback. With the down 14 to 10. Go Hawks! Purple and football team let alone that they figure the Mounties by four home 15-0 at will the half they engineer Gold forever!" went as far as the national runs. Er, hey, why are you laugh- a remarkable drive. This one will championships. A score? Well, I ing?" be closer however, a 30-27 Hawk

victory-GO HAWKS!!!" Mark Rittinger - Vice President Niki Westman - Sports Produc- Student Activities tion Co-ordinator, The Cord fraser kirby - President WLU Student "My knowledge of Mount A.' Publications "It's about time this school is somewhat limited, except for got recognition for what it really "I think it will be scor- the fact that my roommate's good a low is. Football, yeah that's our ing game. Both defenses graduated are friend from there last specialty. Don't listen to that tough and they are for if up the year. Not many good football cynical bastard Mark Hand, he's day then the respective offenses stats to draw from got it all wrong. I mean, from the will be hard pressed to move the there...However, being an ob- sound of it, he didn't even watch ball. If Laurier mixes up running years noxious Hawks fan for four the Churchill game! (Can you im- with the pass and shoot and a season the and only missing few agine? type defense plays tough Loooser! He's the without in- games, my pick should be ob- destroys the image.) jury against the experienced that Laurier vious. The Hawks will bring the Laurier didn't do a Jays psyche, Mount A 'O'-line then we will from Vanier Cup home the crash & burn; it was the complete hold them. Laurier special teams 'Dome." opposite. And they'll do it again will make the difference. If I had Skip's Pick--Laurier 22 ai Vanier. Come on all you foot- to pick one it would be Laurier by Mount A.' 10 ball ignoramuses, get a life! My a field goal. KICK THAT BALL GO HAWKS...KICK SOME prediction: to 1 by SPIROSH!" 3 the seventh MOUNT A. BUTT!!!! inning." 6 Vanier Gup Pull-Out Feature Official Cord Sports Vanier Cup pics by spenser grey by bob dylan Cord Sports Cord Sports This year's Vanier Cup match up will be a classic between two small The Vanier Cup game this year will be a close one. Expect a hard- schools. Both schools have had power house football teams traditionally, hitting, injury plagued game where both teams could suffer a loss of im- and will carry that tradition into the game. portant players. Both teams have been living under the shadow of a great The Mount Allison Mounties offense has been solid, but far from out- team for some time. For Laurier it's the Purple Satan-the Mustangs, for standing all year long. Look for them to start out strong with a solid Mount A' it's the Flynn era and the Huskies. Both teams have something balanced attack. They may even put a major on the board early against to prove to themselves and their schools. the Hawk defense. The Hawk offense will also come out strong, flying high with their potent passing attack. The Hawk offense will come out intense and expecting to make great Look for the Mounties defense to shutdown the Laurier long game and yardage. They will find themselves thwarted time and time again by a for the Hawks to adjust and go to 7 yard hitch passes to Stuke and down very aggressive Mountie defense. While the Hawk defense may be num- and outs to Cecchini, as well as going underneath to Martin. The key for ber one in the nation the Mountie defense should not be underrated. the Hawks, will be for Cecchini and Martin to team up and provide a George Wright and Sebastien Moreau will keep the pressure on Kubas strong running game for the Hawks, especially with one blocking for the and the young quarterback will throw away a lot of passes in despera- other. tion. Look for some crucial interceptions from Kubas. The Mounties will have to find a way to counter the tough Laurier But the real fulcrum of the game will be the Mountie offense. The Hawk defense, probably by trying to run inside and using their big offensive defense will not have faced such a tough O-line since the Mustangs. The line. They will not be able to do this very successfully however and will the from the Churchill Bowl which difference will be injuries remaining have to revert to the passing game. Pass protection for the Mounties will defense and them The Hawks will slow down the Hawk some cost yards. not be a problem; finding open receivers against the Hawks will be are often slow to react to a new offense, as demonstrated by the Queen's though. opening drive at Churchill. They generally adjust and close down an of- Look for the Mounties to score early, be shutdown on the ground, go to fense. The experienced Mountie O line won't let them settle in, however, the air, where the Hawks defense will turn the game around. Also look and they will be upset all game. for the special teams of the Hawks, especially punt blocking and return- ing to scare the Mounties and have a tremendous impact on the outcome. You can some solid running advancement from the Mounties, expect Look for the Hawks to explode offensively in the second and fourth paralleled by a surprisingly strong passing game using young receivers In the second they will score by passing mainly, especially Courtemanche and Lacroix, not great productions mind you, but the right quarters. short. They may surprise though, and go long when its not expected. yards at the right time. In short, the Mountie offense will steal the will in the fourth on solid running and short passes in the flat Hawks' flexibility. They score to guys like Ralph Spoltore and Craig Brenner. The real X-FACTOR will be special teams. Expect them to score the One factor to consider for the outcome is the fact that the Hawks played only Hawk points in the contest. They could turn the tide for the Hawks, in the SkyDome two weeks ago and are used to its immensity. The but it is hard, traditionally, to win a championship game on special teams Mounties have never played here and will probably be intimidated by it, alone. especially if the Hawks start to fly. Also the Hawks have almost home field advantage with its close proximity to Waterloo and their previous A solid Mountie offense combined with the Hawks inability to mount a experience in the Dome. solid offensive effort will result in an early scoring Mountie victory of The JUMBOTRON at the end will read Hawks 34 and Mounties 13. The 14-6. The points being two Mountie TD's and two field goals for the Hawks scoring 4 TD's and 2 field goals, while the Mounties will put up Hawks. 1 TD and 2 field goals.

- WATCH HAWKS- TOLinebacker Andy Cecchini Tailback Fred Grossman position. He reads defenses well He's got cramps, sore ankles, "And the Hawks defense and can make smart decisions in a sore fingers but it doesn't matter seems willingly to yield yet an- snap. One problem he does have because he still knocks out op- other touch d..- oh! Look at that! is injuries. That is a result of his posing defenses with his razzle- Fred Grossman has another inter- roll out style and his ability to dazzle. Andy Cecchini is the tail- ception for the Golden Hawks!" release the ball at the last possible back in the high-powered Hawk Not only can he pick them off, he moment. It leaves Bill wide open offense. Despite the offense being can return them as well. Fred' for the opposing defense to hit pass oriented, Andy still racks up Grossman is a linebacker in the him. 'Billy the Kid' showed his running yardage. The all-time fearsome Laurier defense. toughness against Western, when career OUAA leading rusher is an 'Freddy Krueger' as he is known he directed a long Laurier drive excellent receiver as well. Andy to many, many quarterbacks, late in the fourth quarter to the 'Shake-and-Bake' Cecchini put gives any opposing coach night- Bill Kubas - Quarterback winning touchdown, which he mares; whether they live on Elm the Gaels defense in its place in the SkyDome. He has the ability Bill Kubas is at the helm of scored himself on a QB sneak. to a game, or not. Snaring a pass or stuff- a sepa- the Churchill Bowl when he dominate but he also St. the Hawk offense. His roll out The whole time he had ing run, Fred is one of the gained 187 all purpose yards (164 has the smarts to step aside for the 'run and gun' style makes rated shoulder that he acquired rushing, 23 passing). He scored others when it is needed. He leads defenses have nightmares and earlier in the game. Bill can take as a 'the three touchdowns to lead the sec- the offense as captain and gives the fans lots of excitement over a game in a play with Hawk ond half blitz the Hawks staged in Hawk to watch. Bill does a great job of running bomb' and is definitely a to the offense from the quarterback watch. nificient play in the Churchill Tim Bisci - Cornerback feel the breath of Bowl. He blocked the Queen's Hugh Lawson Hawks can as is always the op- Enough cannot be said about punter away, after a blocked punt, Hugh he in - Line team's backfield. When Tim Bisci. 'The Hit Man' has in the end zone so a teammate Defensive posing isn't sacking QB's, he is done it all this year for the Hawks could recover the ball for a touch- Hugh Hugh Lawson is one of the stopping ground game. When defense and special teams. down. Time and again he has the front '3' on the Golden Hawks play is needed, Against Waterloo in the playoffs, turned the game around for the a big defensive defensive line. Opposing quarter- Hugh there to Tim returned an interception 80 Hawks. If the chips are down, Lawson is die man backs throughout games with the deliver what is needed. 'Mr. De- yards for a touchdown. In the look for Tim to do it again. been one of the game he blocked Water- best all around linebackers in the pendable' has same a the Hawks have the punt. What more has to be nation. When it is time to smash main reasons loo defense in the CIAU. said about him? He is a fierce it up, Fred is the one to turn to. number one Hugh may not be Mr. Showtime competitor who loves to pump up Many opponents can attest to his but he can deliver the crowd whenever he gets the hits that make many a' fan cringe every game, blow; as the chance. He also fires up the in their seat as he lowers the blow after punishing opposing of- defense with his bonecrushing boom on another victim. And Hawks wear down offensive lines of hits that intimidate any one stupid these fans are watching the game fenses. The opponents spend hours in enough to get in his way. At on the T.V. in the comfort of their Hawks room frying to figure out cornerback he can cover anyone own home! When it is time to the film to stop this man. Hugh 'Mr. in the nation and teams usually turn up the heat, Freddy's con- how Dependable' Lawson is one to throw away from him. A trolling the temperature ... He's keep a Hawk-eye on. gamestopper, Tim made a mag- another Hawk to watch. Vanier Cup Pull-Out Feature 7 JOIN IN 1 FUN HHI HH ns lIMII er Fa La»" "L to Cheer? Go, Hawks Go V GO <0° GO HAWKS '*i«> „ si,:,'' *&&§*<>

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