SOMEONE'S GONNA SNAP

A Rage-Driven Farce for Four Actors To Play the Bloody Hell out of Fourteen Characters

By David Don Miller

November 9, 2017 ii.

CAST

ACTOR 1 MALE: MR. SAUL NUSSBAUM, 26, a bright but neurotic first year teacher who stifles his voice until it erupts from the center of his being.

KENNY HILL, 18, failing student overflowing with bravado; never misses a party; crude but charming; Sounds “urban,” despite being white with a quasi-rural upbringing.

OFFICER BEN KERNS, 35, overweight school police officer who is used to doing a whole lot of nothing.

ACTOR 2 MALE: MR. DANNY FREDERICKS, 42, caustic veteran teacher; has had it up to here; would rather keep his teacher rating high than provide quality instruction.

LIAM SCHNECK, 18, party jock who can make friends with anyone; impulsive, will put himself in harm’s way for a friend.

LYLE, 54, tired, defeated custodian, everything about him suggests “whatareyagonnado?”

MR. MOE PUGLESE, 41, assistant principal; big fat ignorant bully; prone to malapropisms and Italian idioms.

ACTOR 3 FEMALE: MRS. EILEEN MELVIN, 58, proper but outspoken teacher; a year or two from retiring; champion of high standards; yearns for the “good old days.”

KIM KNAPP, 18, artsy introvert; intelligent and cynical; quietly relishes chaos.

MRS. TERRY BLOCK, 35, panicky principal; hangs onto a facade of control any way she can; will stay the course as captain of the ship, even as it sinks.

MRS. JANET BOGGS, 52, jaded but resourceful nurse.

ACTOR 4 FEMALE: MS. MISSY VALENTINE, 32, spitfire teacher who values connection to students’ social lives; understands students in ways others don’t.

CRYSTAL BUZBY, 18, emotionally raw student; demonstrative with personal drama.

DOTTIE, 63, hypervigilant and tenacious custodian; ferocious when provoked. iii.

SOMEONE'S GONNA SNAP

Synopsis

It’s an explosive time at Mid-Valley High School, where students and staff are pushed to the brink of insanity by a nonstop barrage of standardized testing.

Desperate to avoid a global history exam that he is sure to fail, Kenny Hill (18) plots to spread rumors of a bomb threat. When vigilant custodian Dottie Daugherty (63) overhears his plan and hauls him to the office, Principal Terry Block (35) calls for a lockdown, freezing everyone in their rooms, postponing all exams, and creating building-wide panic.

As the lockdown wears on, tempers boil over, mental health short-circuits, scandals break, careers implode, arrests are made, and a grown man runs through the halls in search of his pants.

Someone’s Gonna Snap is a full-length, rage-driven farcical satire on the current state of American public education. It is a play for four actors to play fourteen characters with the velocity and virtuosity of a quartet of dueling Taekwondo masters. The stage is their dojo. Props, costumes, and characters are their bo staffs and nunchuks.

Production Notes:

Only a long rectangular table, four chairs, a movable door, and four movable flats(roughly 7' x 3'), are essential for the set.

Props, wigs, and costume pieces must be accessible for actors to make character changes with maximum efficiency. An upstage table, behind the flats, might work best. SCENE 1: THE TEACHERS’ LOUNGE

(Enter MR. SAUL NUSSBAUM, 26. He has had a very stressful day but you’d never know it by looking at him. He moves with a deliberate economy, almost to the point of elegance, but just beneath this veneer resides a wellspring of neurotic energy.

He sits at an end chair, and removes a paper bag from his leather shoulder bag. He opens the paper bag and removes a neatly constructed avocado sandwich on rye bread. The sandwich, the quiet, the moment, is an oasis for him. The calm center of a tornado. He takes a bite, and he is totally relaxed; nourished from within.

Before he gets to his second bite, enter MR. DANNY FREDERICKS, 42, a caustic but surprisingly eloquent middle linebacker of a man, fresh out of concern for what anyone thinks of him. He chucks a beat-to-hell nylon bag onto the table.)

MR. FREDERICKS Fuckin’ A, man.

MR. NUSSBAUM Hmm?

MR. FREDERICKS When I am behind that locked bathroom door, that’s my time, you know what I mean? If you knock and I answer with an “Occupied,” or “I’m in here,” that means there’s at least a slight chance of me being in there awhile. It’s not like I said, “Just a minute” because we all know it’s never gonna be just a minute. It’s either ten seconds or ten minutes, you know what I mean?

MR. NUSSBAUM Is this to me? Are you telling this to me?

MR. FREDERICKS I don’t know. Did you just knock? Like twice within two minutes?

MR. NUSSBAUM No, I--just now? You were in there just now? 1.

MR. FREDERICKS Yeah.

MR. NUSSBAUM No, I . . . no.

MR. FREDERICKS Then it’s not you, it’s one of these b---people we work with.

MR. NUSSBAUM Mmm.

MR. FREDERICKS Knock once, I say “occupied.” What’s gonna change two minutes later? If I don’t come out, why knock again? You think the urgency of your situation is going to supplant mine?

MR. NUSSBAUM How do you know it wasn’t two different people?

MR. FREDERICKS What?

MR. NUSSBAUM Who knocked.

(FREDERICKS thinks quickly.)

MR. FREDERICKS It’s the brusque urgency of the second knock following the obligatory politeness of the first. I’m telling you. It was some impatient blowhard who thinks their shit--their actual shit--is more important than mine. I mean, you don’t know what’s going on in that bathroom, nor should you bother yourself with speculation!

MR. NUSSBAUM It still kinda sounds like you’re talking to me.

MR. FREDERICKS If you knock once, I hear you. You don't like the wait? Leave! You knock again? And you are on my permanent shit-list dickhead!

(MR. FREDERICKS yanks a foil-covered, bone-in chicken breast out of his bag. He unwraps it and tiger chomps it. MR. NUSSBAUM assumes the guilty role.) 2.

MR. NUSSBAUM I’m . . . I’m sorry.

MR. FREDERICKS Ah, I wasn’t talking to you. It’s these people. Job is gruelling enough without being interrupted in the can, you know what I mean?

MR. NUSSBAUM Mmm.

(A tiny respite. They eat.)

MR. FREDERICKS You ever notice everyone around here’s got this . . . inflated sense of self-importance?

(Enter MRS. EILEEN MELVIN, 58, a walking reminder of decorum and high standards. She yearns for the good old days. And during the good old days, she yearned for the other good old days.)

MRS. MELVIN Not in thirty-five years of teaching have I seen anything like this.

MR. FREDERICKS (to MR. NUSSBAUM) See?

MRS. MELVIN In thirty-five years you think you’d see it all. Nope.

(She takes an end chair and removes matching lunch- ware and real silverware out of an insulated bag.)

MR. NUSSBAUM The testing? Are you referring to he testing?

MRS. MELVIN It’s all we do any more! We used to have one week of testing in June. One week. Some classes had state exams, and others had final exams. If a class terminated in a state exam, that would stand in for the final exam.

MR. FREDERICKS Them’s was the good old days, right? 3.

MRS. MELVIN Well sure! Now we give the old state exam and the new--in the event that a student doesn’t pass the one or the other. And then we’re mandated to give our own final exams on top of that, regardless! All of them are watered down in terms of academic rigor, but are much more difficult to administer because it’s a nightmarish snafu to coordinate the days, the proctors, and the rooms with all the special ed needs and conflicts with the other tests! It’s the worst of all worlds!

(She shakes her head in disgust, and tries to stuff down her frustration long enough to take a bite or two of her lunch.)

MR. NUSSBAUM Yeah, um, I have to proctor a test later and it says I have to give one of the students multiple special ed accommodations and I wanted to ask one of you how I’m supposed to do that when it says the student needs to use a word processor but also needs minimal distractions. Being that a computer in and of itself is a distraction I thought--

MRS. MELVIN (clanking fork, stepping on NUSSBAUM) Oh, and plus! This year we have to give that test the district has purchased independently! Under the guise of “monitoring progress.” So many doggone tests I forgot all about one of them! We’ve been on the hotseat to start reviewing since March, then testing itself ramped up in April, and there’s no let up until the end of June! When are we supposed to teach? It’s all test prep now! It’s criminal!

MR. FREDERICKS Well . . . they’re using those tests to evaluate the kids, and they’re using their scores to evaluate us, so . . . what are we supposed to do?

MRS. MELVIN Stand up and fight, how’s that?

MR. FREDERICKS Fight, okay. But what do you think most teachers will actually do?

MRS. MELVIN Most teachers will simply, and shamefully, teach to the test!

MR. FREDERICKS Thaaaaaaat’s right. So better get with it unless you wanna get dinged out. 4.

MRS. MELVIN Would you want that kind of education for your own child?

MR. FREDERICKS (waving his fist with mock sincerity) Won’t someone think of the children?

MRS. MELVIN Darned right!

MR. NUSSBAUM (raising a finger) Um, there’s actually quite a bit of research suggesting that when teachers “teach to the test,” so to speak, the learning can be just as efficacious as if they designed curriculum organically and--

MR. FREDERICKS (to MELVIN, stepping on NUSSBAUM) You know, I would love to be the hero the world wants me to be, but this new regime’s got everyone running scared, making sure their ass is covered.

MRS. MELVIN At the expense of teaching! Learning! We shouldn’t stand for it! We’re teachers! That’s supposed to mean something in our culture!

MR. FREDERICKS But it doesn’t. All we are to most people are glorified babysitters, and a drain on the budget.

MRS. MELVIN My god how can you be so passive! You should be ashamed of yourself!

MR. FREDERICKS I am.

MRS. MELVIN (to MR. NUSSBAUM) Do you agree with him?

MR. NUSSBAUM Well, you know, there’s some merit in . . . I don’t think either of you are exactly on, you know, opposite ends of the argument.

MR. FREDERICKS How’s that? 5.

MR. NUSSBAUM They have us, you know, turning on each other. It’s probably what they want.

MR. FREDERICKS And why would they want that?

MR. NUSSBAUM So we don’t turn a critical eye on them.

MR. FREDERICKS No offense but you’re a first year teacher. How the hell do you know anything about this?

MR. NUSSBAUM There’s nothing to suggest that experience equals superior critical thinking and---

MR. FREDERICKS (to MELVIN, stepping on NUSSBAUM) Let me ask you something if you don’t mind. How long until you retire?

MRS. MELVIN I thought I’d go another five or six years until this regime came along. Now? One. Maybe two.

MR. FREDERICKS Right. So you can make all the noise you want and be the world’s biggest pain in the ass and what can they really hold over you? Not a goddamn thing. It’s not like they can take your pension away, as much as they’d like to. But the rest of us? We are in the middle of our careers.

MR. NUSSBAUM There’s actually, um, a number of people, you know, even some entire districts, who have opted out of these tests.

MR. FREDERICKS Yeah, and?

MR. NUSSBAUM And . . . you know . . . they can. Without consequence.

MR. FREDERICKS Not a chance.

MR. NUSSBAUM It’s openly documented that-- 6.

MR. FREDERICKS Nussbaum?

MR. NUSSBAUM Yes?

MR. FREDERICKS Keep it to yourself, alright? You’re an untenured little first year pissant. You start flapping your gums about opting out, you’re gonna get yourself--maybe all of us--in deep shit.

MR. NUSSBAUM Just because I’m untenured doesn’t mean I--

MR. FREDERICKS (to MELVIN, stepping on NUSSBAUM) Mark my words! When these test scores start to determine our pay scale? Our job security? I’m sorry but even if it’s my own kid coming through the system I’m gonna figure out a way to play ball and keep those test scores high, long before I give the first shit about anything else, and believe me I am not alone in this.

MRS. MELVIN That is despicable. Authentic teaching and learning are decidedly not dependent on testing!

MR. FREDERICKS Well my heart bleeds for authentic teaching and learning but I can’t afford to be stirring the pot unless I want to get replaced by a 24-year-old who looks good in a pants suit and is willing to stick around until six o’clock for thirty grand.

(Enter MS. MISSY VALENTINE, 32, a thirtysomething adolescent in jeans who looks and acts younger than her years. She carries a styrofoam cafeteria lunch tray loaded with a big square of cafeteria pizza and salad.)

MS. VALENTINE Oh. My fuckinggod. The kids in the cafeteria. Are acting sofuckingcrazy! Oh. My fuckinggod.

MR. FREDERICKS What’s going on? 7.

MS. VALENTINE You should see them in that cafeteria right now. Out. Of control. Like . . . one fight broke out. And we like, barely stopped a second fight from breaking out. And the drama? Out. Offuckinghand.

MR. FREDERICKS Oh yeah?

MS. VALENTINE Oh yeah. Even the good kids. They’re just . . . loud. And the boy-girl drama? It’s like, flowing, yo. Between the fights? Crying. Screaming. Girls running off to the nurse. Out. Of control.

MR. FREDERICKS It’s spring. Hormones from a crop-duster.

MRS. MELVIN It’s the testing.

MR. FREDERICKS Come on.

MRS. MELVIN They’ve been cooped up for several weeks now taking one high stakes test after another.

MR. FREDERICKS Oh come off it.

MS. VALENTINE I dunno Danny. I listen to their conversations. They’ve all been freaking out about these tests. But now it’s like . . . they’re so overwhelmed they’re starting not to care at all. Like a psychological defense type thing.

MR. FREDERICKS Even though it affects their transcripts?

MS. VALENTINE They’re done.

MR. FREDERICKS Affects graduation?

MS. VALENTINE Done! 8.

MRS. MELVIN I rest my case.

MR. FREDERICKS We can’t let this happen.

MS. VALENTINE It’s happening.

MR. FREDERICKS We’re the ones who gotta account for their low scores. They don’t care, but we’re the ones whose rating gets fucked.

MRS. MELVIN That’s all you care about, isn’t it.

MR. FREDERICKS You’re lucky you’re leaving but wait a couple years. Couple years I’m telling you. Kids tank on their tests? Our salary drops, our jobs won’t be safe.

MS. VALENTINE Serious?

MR. FREDERICKS Just wait.

MS. VALENTINE All I know is that cafeteria didn’t feel safe. I mean hello? Riot potential!

MRS. MELVIN Well something’s got to give. All this pressure they’re putting on them? On all of us? It’s got to escape from some conduit or another. And it’s not likely to be pretty when it does.

MR. FREDERICKS Upon that, we agree.

MS. VALENTINE (to Mr. Nussbaum) What do you think Mr. Chattypants?

MR. NUSSBAUM (deeply frustrated) I think . . . I think someone’s gonna snap.

TRANSITION TO: 9.

SCENE 2: THE CAFETERIA

(The SOUND of hundreds of teenage conversations swells to a roar.

The table and chairs remain in place. The flats spin. The door moves up center, in front of the flats.

KENNY HILL, 18, a slippery eel of a young man with swagger for days sits at an end chair with a tray of pizza, milk, and god-awful fruit cocktail cup.

Next to him with a matching tray sits LIAM SCHNECK, 18, an impulsive jock.

KIM KNAPP, 18, a Gothy artistic introvert, sits at the other end of the table with her tray.

KENNY and LIAM are mid-conversation.)

KENNY Yo. She dead ass snuck out her window and came over cryin’ and shit.

LIAM Serious?

KENNY She dead told me if I fuck any other girls she’ll kill herself.

LIAM No way.

KENNY Straight up.

LIAM Why’s she so paranoid?

KENNY It’s crazy, yo. All she wants is to get into a four year school, knowwhatI’msayin’? And there’s this one that took her. Some Medger Evers college in Brooklyn or some shit. They take everybody. But her family don’t know that. Her family thinks that place is the bomb.

LIAM Okay. 10.

KENNY But if she don’t pass the global regents, she won’t even graduate.

LIAM Global? Didn’t we have that like freshman year?

KENNY I don’t know. Sounds like some shit we mighta did.

LIAM So she’s all stressed out about it?

KENNY It’s all she talks about, bruh! And she been studyin’ studyin’ studyin’. Like every night.

LIAM What a pain in the ass.

KENNY Thank you! And then there’s all these nights when she know she supposed to be studyin’, but she just sits there watching Catfish and texting with other bitches and before you know it she ain’t done no studyin’. Then she end up twice as stressed out.

LIAM Typical shit.

KENNY And while she doin’ that I’m goin’ out. Havin’ fun. You seen me. Parties right now are lit, son! I’m not tryin’ to miss that shit for no studyin’.

LIAM No doubt.

KENNY So, she dead thinks I’m out there fuckin’ every bitch I see, knowwhatI’msayin’?

LIAM Are you?

KENNY Hell no. But you know, it’s fun as hell to pregame, get wavy with the boys, hit up the parties, flirt my muffuggin ass off. It’s senior year! These parties are live, son! Benji’s last week? Shit was turnt! I ain’t missin’ that while she at home studyin’! 11.

LIAM What does she expect you to be doing?

KENNY Studyin’.

LIAM What for?

KENNY I gotta pass that same global bullshit she gotta pass.

LIAM Serious?

KENNY Yop.

LIAM To graduate?

KENNY Yop.

LIAM You oughta stay home and study once in awhile at least. Maybe you and her can study together.

KENNY Hell no. You know what happens when we in the same room?

LIAM Fighting?

KENNY When we not fighting.

LIAM Huh.

KENNY Five minutes in we takin’ our clothes off and I’m up in those butt cheeks to see what’s goin’ on. 12.

LIAM (laughing) You are such a dirtbag saying that shit.

KENNY Oh no here she comes.

(Enter CRYSTAL BUZBY, 18, in shorter-than-short shorts. She goes at KENNY like a set of firecrackers blowing up in his face.)

CRYSTAL (to KENNY) Hey you piece a shit!

KENNY Whoa!

CRYSTAL I seen you talkin’ to that slut!

KENNY Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout?

CRYSTAL I seen you in that lunch line!

KENNY I was standin’ all alone!

CRYSTAL I seen you at that party though!

KENNY You was home studyin’ you ain’t seen shit.

CRYSTAL So you admit to doing it!

KENNY To doing what?

CRYSTAL I swear to god I will punch that bitch in the face! 13.

KENNY Which bitch?

CRYSTAL So there’s more than one?

KENNY Whatchu talkin’ about?!

(CRYSTAL cries.) Oh no. Come on . . . come awwwn!

CRYSTAL I hate you.

KENNY Come on.

CRYSTAL I’m tryna make something of myself.

KENNY Come awwwn.

CRYSTAL Tryna make a better life. An you ain’t even tryna graduate.

KENNY I’ll graduate.

CRYSTAL Bullshit.

KENNY Any dumbass can graduate.

CRYSTAL This global test is some hard shit.

KENNY You been listening to teachers too much. All I need is a sitty-five on that shit and I’m good. I could get drunk before that shit and pass it. 14.

LIAM Are you going to?

KENNY Pass it?

LIAM Get drunk before you take it.

KENNY Oh shit! That would be live, son!

(CRYSTAL pulls herself together.)

CRYSTAL You do whatever you wanna do, Kenny. But you know what? I’m not tryna fail that test. And next year, when I’m at my four year college and you’re still here, 19 years old, flirting with sluts in the cafeteria line? You can kiss my ass goodbye because I ain’t tryna talk to no super senior.

KENNY Bitch please.

CRYSTAL (popping a spring) Bitch? BITCH? FUCK YOU, BITCHASS MOTHERFUCKER! You go an’ try to study for that bitch on your own now, BITCH! GOOD LUCK MOTHERFUCKER!

(CRYSTAL exits. KENNY is worried.)

LIAM She sounds pretty serious.

KENNY Deadass . . . Bruh. I’m not tryna be no super senior. But I don’t know shit about global. What is that shit? Science?

LIAM Global history dumbass.

KENNY Shit, I don’ know! I think globe I think earth. I think earth I think science. Shit man. I know I talk a lot of shit. But if she dump my ass and go off to college? Start talkin’ to other dudes? Nah. Nah, man. I ain’t tryna see that. 15.

LIAM Maybe you should go talk to her.

KENNY Yeah. Maybe say sorry. Ask for some help studyin’?

LIAM When’s the test?

KENNY Ninth period.

LIAM Better hurry bro.

(KENNY exits. KIM and LIAM remain. They have less than nothing in common. KIM gazes at him. He catches her.) What?

(She nervously looks back to her tray. He looks away. She gazes at him again. He catches her.) Art chick what!?

KIM You’re Liam.

LIAM I’m Liam.

KIM That’s what I said.

LIAM (tripped) That’s what--what?

KIM You’re in my English class.

LIAM Okay. 16.

KIM That’s how I know your name.

LIAM Okay.

KIM I think I might have a solution to your friend’s problem.

LIAM Serious?

KIM Mmm-hmm. Check this out.

(She pulls out her phone. And scootches towards him.)

LIAM Wait. Are you like tryna . . . talk to me right now?

KIM Alright, fuck you then.

(She scootches away.)

LIAM No wait! Sorry. I’m sorry!

(He scootches next to her.)

TRANSITION TO:

SCENE 3: BOYS BATHROOM

(The table and one chair moves off. The door moves left. The upstage flats move down and perpendicular to demarcate stalls. Three chairs become toilets. There are no doors on the stalls.

LYLE, 54, a tired custodian with a “Whattareyagonnado?” attitude about everything lazily mops the floor. 17.

Enter DOTTIE, 63, a grizzled custodian with a slight humpback and a sour, explosive disposition. She wheels her mop and bucket across the floor and stops.)

DOTTIE I’m lookin’. For a waggling weenie.

LYLE Huh?

DOTTIE A waggling weenie.

LYLE Waggling . . . weenie?

DOTTIE Started about two weeks ago. Right here in this bathroom. Every day. Right around this time. I come in here and find piss all over the damn place. Someone’s got a wagglin’ weenie.

LYLE Yeah, well, lotta these kids are careless.

DOTTIE Careless my ass. Some sonofabitch is doin’ this on purpose. Pisses all over the floor, the stall walls, the back of the commode. The toilet paper was the dead giveaway. Soaks a brand new roll every goddamn day.

LYLE Why would someone do that?

DOTTIE (with smoldering fury) Jusssstabeeafucker.

LYLE Eh. Whattareyagonnado.

DOTTIE What am I gonna do? I’ll tell ya what I’m gonna do. If I catch the motherfucker I’m gonna break his arms with a goddamn baseball bat, that’s what I’m gonna do. Then he’s gonna be stuck with that wagglin’ weenie cause he won’t have no arms to control it. Let him try pissin’ all over his mama’s house for a change and see how she likes it. 18.

LYLE Meh. It’s almost summer, Dottie. I think you oughta take it easy. Take it easy on your coronary health, you know?

DOTTIE My ass. I’m staking this motherfucker out.

(LYLE shrugs.)

LYLE Suit yourself.

(He exits. Enter KENNY, engrossed in a phone conversation.)

KENNY Yo. She said I had no chance of passin’ . . .

(DOTTIE freezes. Then hides in the stage right stall.)

No! The teacher said that shit!

(DOTTIE climbs onto the toilet. KENNY paces around in front of the stalls. DOTTIE listens from her stall, standing atop the toilet seat, squatting.)

Deadass! She said there’s too much material to cover and if I didn’t know it three years ago, there’s no way I’m gonna know it now if I din’ study! If I had more time I could take some kind of bullshit retarded dumbass review, you know? Help me. I’m beggin’ you. You know you ain’t gonna have as much fun at them parties wit’out me. Help me!

(The promise of a solution is fed to him like the colored sugar from a Pixie Stick.) Are you deadass? . . . Oh thank you bro! Thank you! . . . Better hurry, though.

(KENNY hangs up. Then he dials another number.) What up, girl? You wanna hang out later? . . . .Yo. I told you I’m not tryna worry about no test. I’m telling you I will pass that shit . . . Global? Shit, girl. I had a globe in my room when I was a kid. I used to spin that shit and stop it with my finger. Wherever I stopped I’d say I was gonna buy a mansion in that country too an’ shit. I got this . . . Hello? Hello?

(Enter LIAM, out of breath.) What took you so long? 19.

LIAM I got here in like a minute.

KENNY So what’s the plan, bruh? We gotta make moves!

LIAM There’s this art chick in my English class.

KENNY What her name is?

LIAM I dunno man. Just listen. She’s friends with that one crazy dude who filled a Windex bottle with blue Mountain Dew and went around squirting it into his mouth just to freak people out.

KENNY Word?

LIAM Trust me, he’s weird. He’s fuckin’ crazy. Okay?

KENNY Okay.

LIAM She showed me a tweet from this morning where he said he wants to blow up the school.

KENNY Word?

LIAM Said he wanted to put a pipe bomb in the bathroom today just to fuck up all the testing.

KENNY Oh--shit!

LIAM But nobody knows!

KENNY Why not?!

LIAM I dunno, dude has like six followers. 20.

KENNY How this helps me?

LIAM If we just, yanno, float it out there, what this crazy weird dude said . . .

KENNY Snitches get stiches, son.

LIAM We don’t have to snitch. If we just get more people talking, everyone’ll flip out. Cancel school. There won’t be a test, at least not ‘til Monday. That’s an extra weekend. Who knows, we get enough people to say some bullshit about having too much anxiety to take a test, you might get an extra week!

KENNY You’re a genius an’ shit!

(They high-five/shoulder hug/bro-backslap.)

LIAM Let’s get back to the cafeteria. We spread that shit at the freshman tables and those little pussies’ll be calling their mommies in ten seconds.

KENNY Shit’ll be lit, son!

LIAM You owe me, dude.

KENNY Oh I got you!

(He makes a smoking gesture.)

LIAM Like . . . an O-Z, bruh.

KENNY I gotchu! Yo. I gotta piss. Meet you back in the caf.

(LIAM exits. Life’s a party again for KENNY. He raps and beat-boxes as he enters a stall. 21.

DOTTIE listens ferociously, straining to understand what he is doing. He unzips his pants and pisses in the toilet as he bobs his head to the beat he’s creating. Then, he deliberately pisses all over the walls, the floor, and the toilet paper roll.

DOTTIE goes berserk as she dismounts the toilet.)

DOTTIE I GOT YOU NOW WAGGLING WEENIE!

KENNY Da fuck?

(He fumbles with his fly. She bursts out of the stage right stall.)

DOTTIE I HEARD YOU PISSIN’! IT’S ALL OVER NOW WAGGLING WEENIE!

(KENNY can’t fasten his pants. DOTTIE bursts into his stall and yanks him out of it.)

KENNY Yo chill! CHILL! What da fuck!?

DOTTIE I’M GONNA CUT YOUR PRICK OFF YOU SONOFABITCH!

(She pulls her mop from the bucket and brandishes it at his groin.)

KENNY Yo, chillllll!

DOTTIE March, motherfucker.

KENNY Lady you crazy, I was--

DOTTIE MARCH! 22.

(He complies. As he turns she uses the mop like a cattle prod to shove him out the bathroom door.)

TRANSITION TO:

SCENE 4: PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE

(The flats move upstage, the door moves left, and the table and chairs return to their original position. A short stand with microphone sits on the table.)

MRS. TERRY BLOCK, 35, a enthusiastic but panicky principal who will do anything to maintain the appearance of control, paces.

MR. MOE PUGLESE, 40, a big fat bully that passes for an assistant principal, is seated, taking notes. He has a propensity for malapropisms and Italian idioms.)

MRS. BLOCK Okay read it back to me.

MR. PUGLESE (reading from note pad) Attention students, faculty, and staff. As we are in the mist of testing, it is important to--

MRS. BLOCK Midst.

MR. PUGLESE Eh?

MRS. BLOCK Sounded like you said mist.

MR. PUGLESE I did.

MRS. BLOCK It’s midst.

MR. PUGLESE Mi-d-st? That’s not a word. 23.

MRS. BLOCK Are you kidding me right now?

MR. PUGLESE It’s mist.

MRS. BLOCK How could it be mist?

MR. PUGLESE You know, there’s a lot of testing, so much testing, it gives off a mist. The mist of testing. That’s what we’re in. The mist.

MRS. BLOCK Uh. No.

MR. PUGLESE Eh, whatever. Mist, midst, this is your thing. I’m just the trained monkey. Vabene (pronounced Va-BEH-neh). (reads) As we are in the mi-d-st of testing . . . it is important to be viligent surrounding electronical devices as well as the dress code, as outlined in your student handbooks.

MRS. BLOCK Wait. That doesn’t sound right.

MR. PUGLESE What’s wrong with it?

MRS. BLOCK First of all, I said electronic.

MR. PUGLESE Electronical sounds more better.

MRS. BLOCK Can you just . . . ?

(She sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose.)

MR. PUGLESE What? What? 24.

MRS. BLOCK Just take it down as I dictate it?

MR. PUGLESE Beh. It’s your thing.

MRS. BLOCK Okay. You gotta stop saying that. Let’s just . . . put it aside for a minute. Did you get the room situation straightened out for next period’s testing?

MR. PUGLESE Whoa. Gimme a minute to breathe!

MRS. BLOCK Moe? We don’t have time to breathe.

MR. PUGLESE Eh, this is supposed to be my lunch period, you know? I’m dyin’ over here!

MRS. BLOCK You are a high school administrator. You don’t get a lunch period.

MR. PUGLESE Whoa! Say hello to Mussolini over here! Oh!

MRS. BLOCK Moe? Please listen. Next fall, this building will be given a rating. That rating? Is based on the test scores that our students produce now. If the test scores are low, our rating is low. Wanna know who they’ll blame when the rating is low?

MR. PUGLESE They oughta blame the teachers.

MRS. BLOCK Maybe. But you wanna know who they’ll really blame?

MR. PUGLESE Obarmer.

MRS. BLOCK Okay. And?

MR. PUGLESE You. 25.

MRS. BLOCK Me?

MR. PUGLESE Not you?

MRS. BLOCK Well sure, me--

MR. PUGLESE Okay, you. Bada-bing.

MRS. BLOCK --but you too. Us.

MR. PUGLESE Me too? WhaddidIdo?

MRS. BLOCK You too.

MR. PUGLESE You’re tellin’ me they’re gonna blame me? For the stupidness of these scumbags? These skivosas? This is friggin’ B.S, Terry. A set-up!

MRS. BLOCK Moe? You might be right. But we need to put that aside and work together to create the best possible testing environment to increase our chances of success. There’s a bunch of issues to deal with and I’d like to nip them in the bud before they become serious problems.

(Checks time.) We’re almost out of time. Just--make the announcement.

MR. PUGLESE You don’t wanna go over it? We didn’t finish your edits.

MRS. BLOCK Just . . . do it!

(MRS. BLOCK returns to pacing as MR. PUGLESE pushes a button on the microphone.)

MR. PUGLESE (on intercom) Attention students. 26.

As we are in the mi-D-st of testing, we wanna nip some issues in the butt. That means all of your electronicals need to be removed from your person prior to entering the demarcalated testing areas. If you are caught with an electronical in the testing areas, your test will be invalidated, irregardless of the reason for the presence of your electronical. So take it out now so we can bag it, tag it, book it, and cook it. Or . . . you can try to hide it and hope for the best. But if it goes off in the testing room? Falls outta your pocket? Slips outta your brar? Your entire test, and all the effort you took to prepare for it goes bye-bye, capice? And while I’m at it, I know it’s getting hot out . . . and summa you girls like to dress like you’re hangin’ out at the beach. And I’m not sayin’ the boys don’t appreciate it, ‘cause believe me, they do. But be that as it may be, we are trying to create a maximum optimum testing environment. So that means if you’re wearing a belly shirt, a spaghetti strapped blouse, you got some shorts climbin’ up in your-- (whistles “woo-hoo”) --or, if you got a thong and a skirt that barely covers you know what . . . you’re gonna hafta, you know, come down to my office and kindly remove those clothing items. Thank you and good luck. (clicks off the intercom)

MRS. BLOCK Did that really just happen?

(KENNY is prodded in by DOTTIE’s mop.)

KENNY Ow! Chill!

DOTTIE Get in there!

(DOTTIE enters, mop-prodding KENNY with one hand, and pulling her bucket along with the other.)

KENNY (to MRS. BLOCK) Miss. I’d like to press charges. She hurtin’ me. She crazy.

DOTTIE Aw shut up!

KENNY She hittin’ me with her mop and she cursin’ me out, Miss! 27.

MRS. BLOCK Um. Excuse me, Dottie? What is going on?

KENNY Threatened to cut off my dingaling, Miss!

MRS. BLOCK (to KENNY) Was I talking to you!? (to DOTTIE) Dottie?

DOTTIE This here . . . is the waggling weenie.

MRS. BLOCK I beg your pardon?

DOTTIE The waggling weenie!

MRS. BLOCK You’re gonna hafta fill me in.

DOTTIE (to KENNY) Tell ‘er.

(Silence. She prods him in the back with the mop.) TELL ‘ER!

KENNY OW! You see what I’m talkin’ ‘bout? She crazy!

DOTTIE This little sonofabitch is the one who’s been pissin’ all over my stalls! Caught him red- handed!

MRS. BLOCK And you say this . . . urination problem is ongoing?

DOTTIE Oh come on! I’ve only reported it about eighteen times!

MRS. BLOCK I don’t recall that. 28.

DOTTIE Pfft! Well this is the guy! This is the waggling weenie!

MRS. BLOCK Kenny?

KENNY She crazy.

DOTTIE (clenching teeth) I will crush your bones if you don’t start tellin’ the truth you sonofabitch!

MRS. BLOCK Dottie! (to KENNY) Did she catch you . . . urinating on the floor today?

KENNY Nah.

DOTTIE Aw, BULL! SHIT! I had the stalls staked out, cause I had it narrowed down. Right down to the time of day it was happening. This one and another one come walkin’ in. Heard every last bit of their conversation. I can tell it right back to ya word for word. It was right after they got done talking about a whosa whatsa twitter tweeter twatter conversation about a bomb in the boys bathroom.

(PUGLESE and BLOCK go fight-or-flight.)

MR. PUGLESE Hey hey hey whoa!

MRS. BLOCK Excuse me? (to KENNY) Tell me everything you know about this. Right now.

KENNY I told you she crazy miss.

(MR. PUGLESE gets up and menaces KENNY.) 29.

MR. PUGLESE Start spittin’ words right now, kid. I’m dialin’ 9-1 on my phone. You make me wait five seconds I’m dialing the other 1.

KENNY Yo chill.

MRS. BLOCK We can check the tapes. Hear the whole conversation. You might not get arrested and expelled if you confess.

KENNY You got cameras in the baffroom? You violating.

MRS. BLOCK You eighteen?

KENNY Ye.

MRS. BLOCK Gonna be pretty sad sitting out the rest of the school year in a cell. Missing graduation. Coming back in September.

MR. PUGLESE I’ll go pull the tapes.

(starts to leave)

KENNY Alright chill. CHILL! Yo. I was jus’ gonna . . . say some stupid shit that there was a . . . you know, a li’l bomb in the boys baffroom.

MRS. BLOCK My god do have you any idea how serious that is?

KENNY My fault.

MRS. BLOCK Why would you do that?

KENNY I was . . . damn, miss, I’m not tryin’ to be no super senior. If I fail the global test, I ain’t gonna graduate. 30.

MRS. BLOCK So you were going to make up a story about a bomb, a bomb in the school to avoid a test!

KENNY I didn’t make up nothin’.

MRS. BLOCK Then what are you talking about?

KENNY Okay listen. There’s this freaky weird dude who put it on Twitter that he was going to put a pipe bomb in the boys baffroom today. I was just gonna spread that shit since the weird dude don’t have no followers. I got mad followers. That shit’d be trending by now if I’d said that shit.

(MRS. BLOCK gets on the mic.)

MRS. BLOCK (on intercom) Attention students, teachers, and staff. We have a situation in the building and we are going into immediate lockdown until further notice. Again. We are in lockdown.

TRANSITION TO:

SCENE 5: THE TEACHERS LOUNGE

(FREDERICKS, MELVIN, NUSSBAUM, and VALENTINE, immediately after the announcement.)

MR. FREDERICKS Are you kidding me?

MS. VALENTINE Is it a drill?

MRS. MELVIN You never know.

MR. FREDERICKS And that’s the fun of it.

MR. NUSSBAUM Whattawe . . .Whattawedo? 31.

MR. FREDERICKS Ah, you never been in one of these have you?

MR. NUSSBAUM No.

MR. FREDERICKS First we lock the door.

(He locks the door, then references the door window.) See this little rectangular window?

(MR. NUSSBAUM nods.) Now it’s a murder hole.

MR. NUSSBAUM What?

MS. VALENTINE Now we have to keep ourselves, like, totally invisible from that window.

MRS. MELVIN We have to act as if there is an intruder inside the building.

MR. FREDERICKS And we’re not supposed to move things around, you know. Like if we use this table to create a barricade in front of the murder hole, it makes it obvious that we’re in here cowering in some corner, which may prompt the homicidal nut job to barge in and rip us to pieces with an AR-15.

MRS. MELVIN Whereas if we leave the condition of the room as is, and simply hide--

MR. FREDERICKS We let the homicidal nut job peek in through the murder hole, and hope that he moves on to another room.

MRS. MELVIN Despite the fact that there are lights on, bags out--

MR. FREDERICKS Half-eaten sandwiches-- 32.

MRS. MELVIN Stacks of graded papers--

MS. VALENTINE And ungraded papers--

MR. FREDERICKS All over the goddamn table.

MR. NUSSBAUM So so so so so, shouldn’t we be moving? To the corner?

MRS. MELVIN Yes, we should.

MR. FREDERICKS It’s an easy room. If I sit down here . . .

(He sits on the floor, a few feet right of the table, and a few feet downstage of the door.) And voila. No one can see me from that murder hole. It’s more or less the only safe area in the room though, so . . .

(At once the other three move to sit on the floor next to him.)

MRS. MELVIN Glad we still live in a ladies first society.

MR. FREDERICKS You wanted equality you got it.

MS. VALENTINE Ohymygod. Do not get started on a sexism debate.

(They settle, with remarkable awkwardness, into a four foot-by-four foot area on the floor.)

MR. FREDERICKS Now. Can any of you see that murder hole from where you’re sitting?

MRS. MELVIN No. And will you stop calling it that! 33.

MR. FREDERICKS Can any of you see that . . . rose-colored lens from where you’re sitting?

MR. NUSSBAUM No.

MS. VALENTINE I can’t.

MR. FREDERICKS Good. If you can’t see it, homicidal nut job can’t see you.

MR. NUSSBAUM Whatdowedo now?

MR. FREDERICKS Now we sit . . . and wait. Even if an announcement comes on that says the lockdown is over, we wait.

MR. NUSSBAUM Why?

MR. FREDERICKS Homicidal nut job might have a gun to the head of the administrator, forcing them to say the coast is clear just so they can flush targets into the hall.

MR. NUSSBAUM Oh Jesus.

MR. FREDERICKS Pretty smart, huh? Same goes for a fire alarm. We don’t budge for fire alarms during a lockdown.

MR. NUSSBAUM But what if there’s a real fire?

MR. FREDERICKS We’re not equipped to react to two separate problems at the same time, so . . . you’re just gonna hafta burn to death.

MR. NUSSBAUM Oh Jesus! 34.

MR. FREDERICKS Pretty smart, huh?

MR. NUSSBAUM And what if what if what if the intruder goes to school here or went to school here and knows all of the particulars of this protocol?

MR. FREDERICKS What are you trying to do, cause an uproar?

TRANSITION TO:

SCENE 6: THE CAFETERIA

(LIAM and KIM sit cross-legged on the floor in very tight quarters, downstage left of the door and table.

The SOUND of several hundred students’ fearful conversations bubbles under.)

KIM It worked.

LIAM I wonder how.

KIM Huh?

LIAM It wasn’t me!

KIM Yeah right.

LIAM No seriously!

KIM Come on. I’m not stupid.

LIAM Neither am I. 35.

KIM Yes you are.

LIAM Fuck you!

(He realizes he needs her as an ally.) Wanna make out?

(KIM chuckles at the absurdity of the suggestion.) Whoa. A smile. First one all year I think.

KIM You really didn’t say anything?

LIAM Swear to God.

KIM Then who said it?

LIAM I dunno! We were gonna start at the freshman tables. I was s’pose to wait for Kenny but he never made it back from the bathroom. Then the lockdown just . . . happened. Maybe he said shit maybe he didn’t. But if he didn’t . . . ?

KIM What?

LIAM I mean . . . is it real?

KIM Is what real?

LIAM The threat!

KIM How should I know?

LIAM You’re the one who knows the freaky weird dude who drinks Windex. 36.

KIM It wasn’t Windex.

LIAM Yeah I know, I --

(Enter CRYSTAL, crawling out from under the table.) Oh no.

CRYSTAL Yo. I can’t find Kenny. Where Kenny?

LIAM He’s . . . somewhere.

CRYSTAL No, he’s not. I looked everywhere, yo.

LIAM Better text him. There’s a bomb in the building.

(He gives KIM a “why not” shrug. )

CRYSTAL Are you deadass?

LIAM Saw it on Twitter. Some freaky dude finally lost his shit from drinking too much Windex.

(She texts frantically.)

CRYSTAL Oh my god. Kenny. OH MY GAWWWWD! Thass my bae. Thass my boo.

LIAM Thought you were dumping his ass.

CRYSTAL C’mon you know I’s just talking shit. I love him. That’s my bae.

LIAM You mean you don’t care if he fails and has to come back next year?

CRYSTAL Tsk. Nah. 37.

LIAM After all that shit you said?

CRYSTAL We been together three months. You don’t jus’ throw that much time away over some stupid test. We in love. I was jus’ tryin’ to motivate him.

LIAM Well shit.

TRANSITION TO:

SCENE 7: THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE

(BLOCK, PUGLESE, DOTTIE, and KENNY are crowded together near the down left corner of the table. BLOCK is on the phone.)

MRS. BLOCK . . . he said someone may have set a bomb in the building . . . one of the boys’ bathrooms . . . I have the student here now . . . okay good . . . but you have to keep this quiet. You understand? . . . thank you.

(She hangs up.) Officer Kerns is on the way. Said to sit tight for now.

DOTTIE Why’d you call a lockdown?

MRS. BLOCK Excuse me?

DOTTIE I don’t wanna tell ya how ta do yer job er nothin’ but, lockdown means someone’s loose in the building, no?

MRS. BLOCK MR. PUGLESE Yyyyyy--nnnnn-- Nnnnnn--yyyyy--

MRS. BLOCK --yes. 38.

DOTTIE Well. No one’s loose in the building. But there might be a bomb? So we’re supposed to evacuate!

MRS. BLOCK (dead to rights) Um . . . not necessarily.

DOTTIE Are you cracked?

MRS. BLOCK In order to maximize the safety of the students and staff--

DOTTIE Been here thirty years. Gill McGinnis woulda had these kids home by now.

KENNY Ohhh shit. You just got told by the janitor. (offering DOTTIE a fist-bump) Holla!

BLOCK/PUGLESE/DOTTIE Shut up.

MRS. BLOCK No one’s going to evacuate. As soon as Officer Kerns investigates and proves the threat to be an idle hoax . . . we can proceed with testing as scheduled.

DOTTIE How do you know it’s a hoax?

MR. PUGLESE Hey Dottie? Let us handle this?

KENNY (to BLOCK) Are you fo’ real?

MRS. BLOCK I am indeed “fo’ real.” Dammit the period’s almost over! I think we have to postpone the 8th period tests.

MR. PUGLESE You sure we can get away with that? 39.

MRS. BLOCK One period worth of tests? We should be able to absorb that on Monday.

MR. PUGLESE How?

MRS. BLOCK It’s kind of a do-nothing spillover day for all the special eddies. Most of them get extra time. So, now everyone gets extra time. Or . . . time. As long as the 9th period exams go forward, we should be alright.

(BLOCK crawls towards the table.) Ah what the hell am I still crawling around for?

(BLOCK climbs to a hunched position at the mic.)

MR. PUGLESE Minga, you called a lockdown!

(BLOCK pushes a button on the panel, and speaks into the mic.)

MRS. BLOCK (on intercom) Attention students and staff. When the bell rings, please remain in lockdown. We are postponing all 8th period tests. Repeat. All 8th period tests are postponed. Teachers please note that all period 8 tests are postponed and must be administered on Monday, in lieu of . . . anything else you might have planned. Thank you.

MR. PUGLESE In Lou?

MRS. BLOCK What?

MR. PUGLESE You said “In Lou of anything else you mighta planned.” Whattaya mean in Lou?

MRS. BLOCK In lieu. It means “because of this, we are doing that.”

MR. PUGLESE In Lou? I got an Uncle Lou. And believe me, you don’t wanna be in Lou. 40.

MRS. BLOCK Moe? Can you not?

MR. PUGLESE Beh. Your announcement. Your thing. (chuckles) In Lou.

MRS. BLOCK Fuck, I better call the state.

KENNY Whoa! Damn!

(KENNY whips out his phone and points it at MRS. BLOCK to take a video.) Say that again, yo! Take two!

MR. PUGLESE Gimme that.

(MR. PUGLESE snatches KENNY’S phone.)

KENNY Yo, c’mon!

MR. PUGLESE Why you gotta call the state?

MRS. BLOCK To find out what to do if we postpone a state test. Wait . . . can I even do that?

MR. PUGLESE Which one today’s a state test?

MRS. BLOCK Jesus there’s so many of them I’m not even sure any more. Today’s Friday?

MR. PUGLESE Yeah.

(She makes for a stack of papers and frantically leafs through them.) 41.

MRS. BLOCK Period eight. There’s a chemistry final.

MR. PUGLESE Uh-huh.

MRS. BLOCK And a biology final.

MR. PUGLESE Yep.

MRS. BLOCK Physics final.

MR. PUGLESE K.

MRS. BLOCK Special Ed Science final.

MR. PUGLESE Special Ed. (to KENNY) That’s the one you tryna get out of no?

KENNY Tsk. You violating.

MRS. BLOCK Then we got the optional test that the district purchased for underclassmen in Math and English.

MR. PUGLESE Optional? Why’d we do an optional?

KENNY Deadass.

MRS. BLOCK (with a sigh) Okay . . . all those are period eight. We should be able to shoehorn those into the Monday spillover day. 42.

MR. PUGLESE So we’re in the clear?

MRS. BLOCK Not for long. There’s a ton of state tests period nine. Here they are at the bottom of the stack.

MR. PUGLESE Madonn’

MRS. BLOCK We got the old version of the English regents.

MR. PUGLESE Old version?

MRS. BLOCK They’re letting us overlap the old version and the new version.

MR. PUGLESE Why?

MRS. BLOCK In case some students find one or the other easier to pass.

MR. PUGLESE The old, the new, the optional, the this. I mean this is gettin’ crazy now am I right?

MRS. BLOCK What’s crazy is that I have an assistant principal who doesn’t already know this!

MR. PUGLESE Oh whoa whoa whoa. Yo. Terry. Sounds like a case of sticks and stones when you’re livin’ in a glass house, you know?

MRS. BLOCK Jesus Christ the Global History regents!? Do you know how many students need to pass that to graduate?

KENNY Hell yeah.

MRS. BLOCK Jesus Christ I gotta call the state right now. 43.

(She dials the phone.)

KENNY (to MR. PUGLESE) Mr. Puglese can I have my phone back please?

MR. PUGLESE Confisticated.

KENNY Tsk. Come awwwn.

MR. PUGLESE It’s not even supposed to be on during school hours. And you tried to get the boss on video.

DOTTIE Heh heh. The boss.

MRS. BLOCK (on phone) Yes hi. This is Mrs. Terry Block of Mid-Valley High School in Fairview. We have a bit of a situation in the building that . . . might interfere with today’s testing . . . yes I can hold.

KENNY Yo isn’t there a bomb in the building? And all y’all care about is tests?

MR. PUGLESE Save it kid.

KENNY Principal be like “Yo, you got your arm blown off? Is that the arm you write with? No? Take ya test.” Shit, son.

MR. PUGLESE Language.

KENNY Damn. You know what? Y’all care about everything ‘cept what you should care about.

(The BELL RINGS.) Word. 44.

(He stands up as if to leave. PUGLESE pushes him right back down.

TRANSITION TO:

SCENE 8: THE TEACHERS’ LOUNGE

(The TEACHERS are in the same crowded corner as before. The BELL stops RINGING.)

MR. FREDERICKS And so ends period seven.

MS. VALENTINE Oh myfuckinggod. This is a long one!

MRS. MELVIN Welp. It’s definitely not a drill.

MR. FREDERICKS Oh come on.

MR. NUSSBAUM (to MRS. MELVIN) How how do you know?

MRS. MELVIN They wouldn’t let a drill spill into the next period.

MR. NUSSBAUM Why why why why why why not?

MR. FREDERICKS Looks like we’re stuck here.

MRS. MELVIN Least maybe someone will finally learn.

MR. FREDERICKS Learn what?

MRS. MELVIN What happens when you test the dickens out of everyone. Push them past capacity. 45.

MR. NUSSBAUM Could could someone tell me why going past the end of the period means it’s not a--

MR. FREDERICKS (to MELVIN) So you’re saying somewhere, on the other side of the building, an overtested kid is on a rampage with a weapon? Has a gun to someone’s head?

MRS. MELVIN Or his own.

MR. FREDERICKS Oh come on. This is a drill!

MRS. MELVIN Then why didn’t it end before the bell?

MS. VALENTINE She’s right, Danny. They’d never let a drill go past the bell.

MR. NUSSBAUM Why-why not?

MS. VALENTINE I’ll check Facebook and Twitter.

(She takes out her phone.)

MR. FREDERICKS You telling me you’d be shocked if the admins bungled a drill? Come on.

MS. VALENTINE Dammit my phone’s dead and my charger’s in the classroom.

(She looks longingly at the door.)

MRS. MELVIN (to FREDERICKS) Why do you feel the need to downplay the effect that these tests are having on everyone?

MR. FREDERICKS Because I don’t see what good it does to lament our condition, while the admins and the overlords in the state capital get ready to roll over us with their giant testing machine. 46.

MRS. MELVIN Roll over? That’s precisely what you’re doing.

MR. FREDERICKS False. I’m a realist. All we should be doing is getting our tanks on the beach to defend ourselves against the behemoth. Trust me if you weren’t retiring you’d be falling in line.

MRS. MELVIN Hogwash. I wouldn’t stand for this. Tying teacher evaluation to testing is like tying a doctor’s evaluation to the survival rate of the patients in a hospital! Or a policeman’s professional evaluation to his city’s crime rate!

MS. VALENTINE She’s got a point there Danny.

MR. FREDERICKS Listen. It doesn’t matter who’s right and who’s wrong, it only matters what you can do about it.

MS. VALENTINE What can you do about it?

MR. FREDERICKS Play ball. And play it well. Or get the fuck out.

MRS. MELVIN Despicable.

MR. NUSSBAUM Why isn’t it a drill if it goes past the bell?! The threat is real?! For sure real?! Can someone--

MR. FREDERICKS This is one for the books, I’ll tell ya.

MR. NUSSBAUM (like a crack of forked lightning) WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE EXPLAIN!?

(The others are startled into stillness.)

MR. FREDERICKS Whoa, Jack. 47.

MRS. MELVIN (with a calming hand on NUSSBAUM) When it’s a drill, they always keep it contained to one period. For all of their faults, they are very protective of instructional time. But during testing? They are beyond protective. Once someone pulled an alarm during a test as a prank and the way they reacted you’d think it was Armageddon.

MR. FREDERICKS And just like today, it was all for nothing.

MRS. MELVIN For nothing? You think a lockdown on a day packed with tests is a coincidence?

MR. NUSSBAUM (sweating, shaking) I don’t think I can take much more of this.

MR. FREDERICKS (to MELVIN) You know what? I don’t care!

MRS. MELVIN You are a disgrace to the profession!

MR. NUSSBAUM Can everyone please stop bickering?

MR. FREDERICKS (to MELVIN) Yeah well they made me this way! And what about you? You’re just an idealist, elitist, head- in-the-clouds, about-to-retire, blowhard bitch!

MR. NUSSBAUM I’m getting palpitations, I’m feeling kinda--

MRS. MELVIN I will file a grievance!

MR. FREDERICKS File a grievance! File a dozen! File it under I don’t give a good fuck! You want to fight an unwinnable battle, go ahead!

(NUSSBAUM puts his hands to his ears and rocks himself. Every hurled volley makes him twitch.) 48.

MS. VALENTINE (concerned about NUSSBAUM) Um, guys?

MRS. MELVIN (to FREDERICKS) And you want to suck up to the reformers, you go ahead! They are destroying education! And so are you!

MR. FREDERICKS Why are you saying that? Just because they want us to do away with old methods--that are very clearly getting us nowhere!? Getting these kids a diploma that proves what? They can do your idiotic project with cut-out magazine pieces on a poster board! A fuckin’ literature collage! They don’t need to do a literature collage they need to compete with the Chinese, the Finnish, the Dutch, the Germans, the Vietna-fucking-mese! We’re getting our asses kicked don’t you get it!?

MR. NUSSBAUM (chiming in, despite panic attack) I’m not not not not really sure it’s fair to, you know, rate the American system based on other paradigms that that that that that--

MRS. MELVIN (raging at FREDERICKS, stepping on NUSSBAUM, who cringes and rocks) I design units and lessons that enrich their learning from the moment the enter my class in September to the moment they graduate in June! These are things that I have been entrusted to create because my job certification--

MR. FREDERICKS Your certification--

MRS. MELVIN MY CERTIFICATION means I know how to teach! That I am capable of designing lessons independent of some . . . monstrous, government-fed corporation that is filled with authors of curriculum who have never once taught a class!

MR. FREDERICKS Your certification no longer means that! It’s ASS! WIPE!

(NUSSBAUM is sweating, shaking, cringing in a ball. ) 49.

MS. VALENTINE Um, guys?

MRS. MELVIN (to FREDERICKS) Thank you for illustrating why I’m retiring in two years!

MR. FREDERICKS Thank god! These snivelling little pricks aren’t being overtested! For someone from the old school you sure have bought in to this younger generation’s snivelling! “You’re giving me too much homework! I feel violated! I feel bullied! I can’t take that test! I got anxiety!” Yeah, I got anxiety too. I got anxiety that one day these entitled little shitfucks are gonna be running the country! And you want to indulge that?

MRS. MELVIN Certainly not, I--

MR. FREDERICKS You’re the reason they’re all so goddamn lazy! You’re the reason these molly-coddled little do-nothings are all such helpless, skillless little twats!

MRS. MELVIN How dare you! I have the highest standards of anyone in this building!

MR. FREDERICKS Not bloody likely!

MR. NUSSBAUM I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE!

(He springs to his feet and runs for the door.)

MRS. MELVIN Mr. Nussbaum, this is a lockdown!

MR. NUSSBAUM EEEEEEEEEYAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

(He exits.)

MS. VALENTINE Grab my charger!

MRS. MELVIN Dear god! 50.

(The dust settles.)

MR. FREDERICKS Good for him.

TRANSITION TO:

SCENE 9: THE CAFETERIA

(LIAM, KIM, and CRYSTAL are stilll huddled together. CRYSTAL texts like a fiend.)

CRYSTAL Oh my god, Liam. Kenny don’t answer my texts.

LIAM I’m sure he’s fine.

CRYSTAL Then why he don’t answer?

KIM (mocking her) Maybe he don’t tell you ‘cause he fucking some other bitch.

LIAM That’s not cool.

CRYSTAL Oh my god. OH MY GOD!

(She jumps to her feet and paces, texting more furiously.)

LIAM That wasn’t cool.

KIM Wasn’t cool? Kids like her and her dumbass boyfriend have been ruining this district for years.

LIAM What do you mean? 51.

KIM Come on. You’re not that stupid, are you?

LIAM Fuck off. I just don’t care about the same shit you do.

KIM You don’t say.

LIAM “You don’t say?” What are you, fifty?

KIM Shut the hell up. Kids like Crystal and Kenny fuck up every class I’ve ever taken. Tell me if this sounds familiar: Teacher gets up, tries to teach. Then the dumbass kids don’t give a shit about the lesson and can’t pay attention, so they start talking, texting, asking to go to the bathroom. Then the teacher becomes overwhelmed managing the class and the lesson goes straight to hell. Sound familiar?

LIAM Very.

KIM Can you even quantify how much instruction we’ve missed because of this?

LIAM What?

KIM Can you measure how much real learning goes down the drain next to what we actually learn?

LIAM Not really.

KIM How much smarter we’d be if classes weren’t filled with those kinds of kids?

LIAM That’s why they have honors classes.

KIM Yeah well, my Mom’s not a pushy PTO bitch, so . . . 52.

LIAM Sounds like an excuse. You don’t do your friggin’ work either. You just sit there on Twitter or drawing on your worksheets.

KIM I gave up. But at least I’m not disrupting shit for everyone else.

CRYSTAL OH MY GOD! KENNY STILL DON’T ANSWER AND PEOPLE ALL OVER TWITTER THEY SAY THE SCHOOL GONNA BLOW UP! IF I DON’T GET TO TELL HIM I LOVE HIM I’M GONNA KILL MYSELF!

LIAM I guess I see your point. But they’re not the only ones causing distractions.

KIM I know. But usually you jocks are so scared of getting booted off the team that all your bullshit side convos are done in whispers. Teachers can usually ignore that.

LIAM You got it all figured out, don’t you. Probably why you only have friends like Windex boy.

KIM His name is Adam.

LIAM Okay.

KIM I’m friends with Adam because he is a walking fuck you to everyone. The jocks, the mean girls, the snotty suck-ups, the wannabe rapper boys, the booty bitches, the red necks, the formless blobs, the scuzzy party sluts, the waste-oids, and every adult in the building.

LIAM Why you didn’t mention the freaks, the nerds, the drama fags, and the holier-than-thou feminazi art lezzies?

KIM Nice work with the labels! You’re wrong though. Adam would fuck with them too.

LIAM So he just hates everyone, snaps one day, and plants a fucking bomb? 53.

KIM Oh my god. I’m not trying to be mean but you really are super dumb.

LIAM Seriously fuck you!

KIM I’m sorry! Okay listen. You remember that day he went around drinking Windex?

LIAM Yeah but it wasn’t Windex, it was blue Mountain Dew.

KIM Right?

TRANSITION TO:

SCENE 10: THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE

(MR. PUGLESE sits on the down center edge of the table. He stacks two cafeteria pizza squares together, transforming them into a grotesque sandwich.

KENNY sits in the stage left chair, which he has pulled down center, as close to PUGLESE as possible without overtly crowding him. He longingly eyeballs his phone, which balances on PUGLESE’s leg.

DOTTIE is in the far right chair, dozing.

MRS. BLOCK is upstage of the table, on the phone, pacing. Her conversation is inaudible.)

KENNY Yo.

(PUGLESE bites into his greasy masterpiece.) Yo Mista.

(PUGLESE grunts and moans as he chews.) Mista Puglese!

(PUGLESE nose-breathes as he food-gasms.) MISTA! 54.

MR. PUGLESE (mouthful o’ pizza) Whaddaya want?

KENNY C’mon mista you gotta give me my phone back.

MR. PUGLESE Confisticated.

KENNY Come awwwwn! This shit has been goin’ on for a minute. My moms will be worried!

MR. PUGLESE Your moms? You got more’n one? Figures.

KENNY Man why you violating?

MR. PUGLESE Answer me something and I’ll think about givin’ you your phone back.

KENNY Okay.

MR. PUGLESE Why do you talk like them?

KENNY Like who?

MR. PUGLESE Like who. Come on.

KENNY What?

MR. PUGLESE You talk like a ghetto kid.

KENNY Man what’s wrong witchu? 55.

MR. PUGLESE What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you? You’re a white trash scumbag from a neighborhood that borders on a trailer park, no? Or, you live in the trailer park. No no I got it. You live in the trailer park, but you got a tent. Badabing! Whoa-oh!

KENNY You know what mista? You got no class at all.

MR. PUGLESE I got no class.

KENNY Yeah. You supposed to be a role model and shit. I should report your racist ass.

MR. PUGLESE I ain’t racist. I just tell it like it is.

KENNY Yeah ok.

MR. PUGLESE You want your phone back answer my question.

KENNY What question?

MR. PUGLESE Why do you talk like these hood rats?

KENNY Man I talk like MYSELF! If I happen to sound like a black dude then so what? That’s cool. Yeah I’m a little bit of a redneck, I’m a little bit of white trash, what else you wanna call me? Them black dudes have figured out how to talk in a way that gives them . . . I don’t know man--power of expression, youknowwhatI’msayin? And it don’t rely on proper English, it don’t rely on nothin’ but havin’ somethin’ to say.

MR. PUGLESE Huh. Power of expression. You come up with that yourself?

KENNY Nah I heard Eminem say that shit once MISTA WILL YOU PLEASE GIMME MY PHONE BACK! Lookit that screen, son, my shit is blowin’ up!

(PUGLESE tantalizes KENNY with the phone like a dangling carrot.) 56.

MR. PUGLESE This phone? You want this phone right here?

(PUGLESE looks at KENNY’s phone. It’s packed with texts from CRYSTAL.)

Ahhh ohhh loookit what we have here! Texts from . . . Crystal?

KENNY Please, Mista COME AWWWN!

MR. PUGLESE Is that . . . Crystal Buzby by any chance? Usually when you get suspended, she gets herself suspended the next day. I think I get it now.

KENNY Come on, Mista I ain’t never do nothin’ to you. PLEASE lemme have that phone.

MR. PUGLESE You never done nothin’ to me? Porco dio. You kidding me kid? You been suspended more times than A-Rod. Badabing.

KENNY Man that’s bullshit.

MR. PUGLESE Bullshit your ass. The trouble you get cause? You know what it does to the rest of us? What it does to the whole damn rest of the school?

KENNY Nah.

MR. PUGLESE My day should not be spent eyeballing behavior referrals, pulling scumbags like you outta class, and calling angry parents. Every time you get in trouble, you give me a little more agita. And you know what? It’s time to pay. The fiddler’s comin’ home to roost. Vabene.

(he eyes the texts and guffaws) Oh ho! These are some juicy texts!

KENNY Oh no. 57.

MR. PUGLESE (reading sequence of texts as he scrolls) Kenny where are you? I love you. Where are you? Come on em effer where are you? I dead heard they’s a bomb in the building. Some dorky freaky dude went crazy and shit. You should be here with me. I’m sorry for what I said earlier. I didn’t mean that shit. I’d never break up with you. You my bae. You my boo. I don’t know what I’d do without you. You my first love. And thass why I get so crazy. You my first one. You the first guy I let have the pussy. You the second guy I let have the booty.

Madonn.’ (reads) So I gets emotional when I think you not serious with me. Please answer. Kenny I love you. I’m gonna kill myself if something happen to you. If you with another bitch I’ll kill her, I’ll kill you, and I’ll kill myself. I dead ass swear to god. Where are you motherfucker I hate you! I need you! I love you. I’m gonna kill you.

KENNY Mista you cold-blooded if you don’t gimme that phone.

MR. PUGLESE You want this phone? Sure, I’ll give you this phone. Right after I send her a little note that you’re locked in the bathroom with some slutty skank!

(He bellows with laughter and types a text.)

KENNY Aw HELL no!

(KENNY lunges for the phone, PUGLESE evades, KENNY bashes his shin on the chair, and goes sprawling onto the table.) Damn, motherfffff . . . OW!

(PUGLESE keeps texting and laughing.)

MR. PUGLESE Oh ho ho ho! This is too funny.!

(KENNY recovers and moves for PUGLESE.)

KENNY COME ON, MAN!

(PUGLESE moves around the table, and keeps typing as KENNY keeps chasing.) 58.

MR. PUGLESE I can’t wait to talk about this at the next faculty meeting.

KENNY COME AWWWWWWWNNNNNN!

(PUGLESE is in hysterics. MRS. BLOCK puts a finger in the air to shush them as she struggles to hear her phone call. DOTTIE remains asleep. PUGLESE hits send.)

MR. PUGLESE And send. Badaboom. You screwed, googootz.

KENNY Come on, man, what’d you write? Lemme see that, what’d you write?

MR. PUGLESE Wouldn’t you like to know?

(PUGLESE drops the phone into DOTTIE’s mop water bucket. KENNY dives for it.)

KENNY MOTHAFUCKA!

MR. PUGLESE With the language!

(KENNY pulls his phone out of the filthy mop water. It’s done.) Might make you think before you act from now on, eh?

(KENNY melts into tears. PUGLESE registers a glint of remorse.) Ah, come on, kid. Ya heard what she said. Some other skivosa got the salcicce in the culo before you came along anyway.

KENNY Man . . . I love her.

MR. PUGLESE Ah, come on, kid. You don’t know love. 59.

KENNY Man that’s bullshit.

MR. PUGLESE Live awhile kid. You’ll see.

KENNY I’m livin’ now you fat motherfuckin’ racist!

(KENNY bolts for the door.)

MR. PUGLESE HEY KID!

(DOTTIE stirs. PUGLESE runs for the door. MRS. BLOCK hangs up. PUGLESE stops short.)

MRS. BLOCK What in god’s name is happening here? Where’s Kenny?

MR. PUGLESE You know. He slipped away.

MRS. BLOCK Slipped? Away?

DOTTIE (snapping to) Huh? Wha? Whosa-whatsa? Slipped away? Who slipped away? The waggling weenie? THE WAGGLING WEENIE!

(DOTTIE charges off with her mop.)

MRS. BLOCK DOTTIE NO!

(DOTTIE’s gone.) God fucking dammit, Moe! I’m on the phone with the state capital over here. What the hell happened?

MR. PUGLESE What, the kid ran off! I’d a caught him if you’d a let me. Want me to go get him?

MRS. BLOCK No, just--just let Dottie take care of him. I need you here. 60.

MR. PUGLESE What’d the state say?

MRS. BLOCK They said we did the right thing postponing the 8th period tests.

MR. PUGLESE That’s good.

MRS. BLOCK But they also said we stacked far too many tests onto these last five days. Monday spillover day is at capacity thanks to the period 8 postponement. If we can’t administer the period 9 tests, the makeups could take us all summer. We got hundreds of kids who won’t know if they graduated until September. Kids who might have to defer their college enrollment. Teachers whose ratings are . . . I don’t know what’s going to happen but this is bad. This is very bad. Kids, parents, teachers, community members, press? They’ll be here with torches and pitchforks.

MR. PUGLESE How do we make it right?

MRS. BLOCK The period 9 tests have to happen. They have to.

(PUGLESE checks his watch.)

MR. PUGLESE 20 minutes til the bell rings.

MRS. BLOCK Fuck me in the fuckhole.

TRANSITION TO:

SCENE 11: BOYS BATHROOM

(MR. NUSSBAUM enters, hyperventilating. He hides in the center stall.

When he sits, the piss on the seat soaks right through his pants. He twitches to his feet and feels the damage. It’s bad. 61.

He exits the stall, and looks around: The bathroom and halls are quiet and empty. He removes his pants and finds an electric hand-dryer mounted on the outside of the stall wall. He holds his pants up to the blower and punches the button. It doesn’t work. He punches it again. And again and again and again. And then--)

DOTTIE (O. S.) I’M COMIN’ FOR YA WAGGLIN’ WEENIE! I’LL CUT YER BALLS OFF!

(NUSSBAUM drops his pants and dives into the stall. DOTTIE enters like a hungry raptor.)

DOTTIE Li’l sonofaBITCH! Those knucklehead do-nothings aren’t gonna give a damn about punishing ya, but I’m gonna make ya pay! Think they’ll fire me! No one’s firing me! Ya think people are lined up around the block to clean up yer piss!? DO YA!?

(She sees the pants on the floor. Approaches them cautiously. Prods them with her mop. Realizes they are covered in piss. Snaps.)

DOTTIE ERRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!! I’M GONNA KILL YOU YOU LITTLE FUCKER!

(She spears the pissy pants with her mop and charges out.) KILL YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!

(NUSSBAUM carefully exits the stall to discover his pants are gone. He shakes and cries.)

MR. NUSSBAUM Oh no no no no no no no no. It’s just like the dream, JUST LIKE THE DREAM! Ahahahahahahaha, no, no, no!!!

DOTTIE (O.S.) IIIIIIIIIII KNOW YER CLOSE! MR. PISSYPANTS!!! I CAN SMELL YA! I CAN SMELL YA! 62.

(NUSSBAUM pulls his shirt front and tail down to cover his crotch and bolts.)

TRANSITION TO:

SCENE 12: THE CAFETERIA

(CRYSTAL howls like a casket-climbing lunatic at a funeral--while texting. LIAM tries in vain to comfort her. KIM sits and watches with a restrained grin.)

CRYSTAL Ohhhhhh my god. OH MY GOD, Liam oh my god. I’m gonna kill him, Liam I’m gonna kill him.

(Her crying becomes a demonstrative “boo-hooing.”) Boo-hoo-hoo-hooooooo--

LIAM Shhhhhhh, come on. I really think you’re overreacting.

CRYSTAL He he he he texted he was fuckin’ some skaaaaaaaaaaaank, boo-hoo-hoo-hoo--

LIAM I’m sure he said that just to piss you off.

CRYSTAL Then why he didn’t text me back?!?! Boooooooooo--

LIAM I don’t know. Maybe he got his phone taken away.

CRYSTAL Oh my god. OH MY GOD LIAM I AM GONNA KILL MYSELF!

(She texts as if it is sustaining her life.)

LIAM He’ll respond. He’ll respond and tell you it was all bullshit just to get back at you.

CRYSTAL Boo--hoo-hoo--hoo-- 63.

LIAM You know he never messed around on you. He told me.

CRYSTAL He told youuuuuuu? Boo hoo hoo--

LIAM Yeah! I swear to god he did! He said you were getting mad at him for partying and said you were suspicious, and when I asked him if he was really screwing around--

CRYSTAL He said I was suspicious! HE SAID I WAS SUSPICIOUS!?! WHY WOULD I HAVE A REASON TO BE SUSPICIOUS OH MY GOD! Boo--hoo--hoo--hoo--

LIAM God, Jesus, calm down! Yes! He said you were suspicious that he was going out and screwing around with other girls. And when I asked if he was he said no, but you didn’t believe him!

CRYSTAL A course he gonna say that shit to you, Liam, a course he gonna say that to you.

LIAM Why? I’m a dude. He’s much more likely to tell me he’s fucking around.

CRYSTAL HE’S FUCKIN’ AROUND!!?!?!

LIAM NO!

(She tries to send a text. And something cuts into her core.)

CRYSTAL Oh my god! OH MY GOD!!! MY BATTERY DIED! MY BATTERY DIED OH NO! I DON’T GOT NOT CHARGER!!! OH MY GOD LIAM OH NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

(LIAM doesn’t know what to do. She hyperventilates. LIAM panics, making it worse.)

LIAM Um . . . fuck, FUCK!!! We need the fucking nurse. WE NEED THE FUCKING NURSE! 64.

(He puts her in a fireman’s carry and exits into the hall, where NUSSBAUM runs by holding his shirt over his crotch.)

TRANSITION TO:

SCENE 13: PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE

(BLOCK and PUGLESE pace around the room, hanging on the edge of panic.)

MR. PUGLESE Fifteen minutes . . .

MRS. BLOCK (manic) This can’t happen. This can’t happen! They miss a regents exam that’s it they gotta wait ‘til August. It’s not as if we get snowed out in June so nobody’s prepared for this. WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO in this situation? Fuckin’ regents exams! Fuckin’--sonofabitchin’ BOMB THREAT!

MR. PUGLESE But wait. The old English regents exam is Tuesday?

MRS. BLOCK Yeah.

MR. PUGLESE And we’re givin’ ‘em the old and the new so that they have an extra chance to pass, no?

MRS. BLOCK Yeah.

MR. PUGLESE Well maybe they skip the old one and hope for the best on the new. Badabing!

MRS. BLOCK That’s one band-aid. We need half a dozen more.

(She rummages through her papers and locates the info.) Oh no. Ahhhhh FUCK! 65.

MR. PUGLESE Beh?

MRS. BLOCK I forgot they have all of their elective finals on Monday!

MR. PUGLESE Elective finals now?

MRS. BLOCK Plus their finals for gym! THERE IS NO SPILLOVER DAY! WHAT GENIUS SCHEDULED IT LIKE THIS!?

MR. PUGLESE Madonn’. They got a final for gym?

MRS. BLOCK HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THIS!?

MR. PUGLESE How’d you not know it?

MRS. BLOCK I was wrong about those finals! We can’t move anything without a massive domino effect! They’ll be missing all those science finals! The state and the district are bearing down on us to meet our targets in all subjects on the SLOs! And now we won’t even have the data to work out the results!

MR. PUGLESE The slows?

MRS. BLOCK Student Learning Objectives! We set the targets for those in October! We can’t just blow them off now. The essence of the new APPR depends on it.

MR. PUGLESE APP--

MRS. BLOCK ANNUAL PROFESSIONAL PERFORMANCE REVIEW! HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THIS!?!

(She is out of breath.) 66.

MR. PUGLESE Eh. Terry. Maybe you oughta take it easy. Sit down a minute. I gotta bottla Sambuc’ next door, you want me to bring you a snift?

(Enter OFFICER BENNY KERNS, a 300 pound turd stuffed into a 200 pound Cop Uniform. He wields shockingly little authority. He’s red-faced and tired.)

OFFICER KERNS So, uh, I looked around and uh . . . so far I ain’t find nothin’ . . .

MRS. BLOCK So I can call off the lockdown?

OFFICER KERNS I said I looked around. I didn’t say I was done.

MRS. BLOCK Could you please hurry up!?

OFFICER KERNS You said to keep it quiet so I’m working alone! Besides, it may be hard to spot.

MRS. BLOCK Hard to spot?

OFFICER KERNS I mean . . . a kid makes a bomb it’s gonna be pretty crude. A pipe or a, I dunno, gas-filled glass bottle or somethin’. It might just kinda blend in.

MR. PUGLESE Yeah, you sure? Some of these technological types are pretty, um . . .

(They wait. He’s got nothing.)

MRS. BLOCK Jesus Christ will just please hurry! I mean . . . like run!

OFFICER KERNS Listen, I’m moving as fast as I can here! And it’s not like I don’t got other things to do, ya know. 67.

MRS. BLOCK You got other things to do? Things more important than keeping over a thousand children safe? Please let me know what these other things might be so that when I tell the press they know what to write.

OFFICER KERNS Ah Jesus alright.

(He exits, running.)

MR. PUGLESE Minga, that was beautiful.

(He does a fingertip kiss.)

MRS. BLOCK Thanks Moe. I hope you land on your feet when they fire us.

(She sits and puts her head in her hands.)

MR. PUGLESE Ba fangool.

TRANSITION TO:

SCENE 14: THE TEACHERS’ LOUNGE

(MELVIN, FREDERICKS, and VALENTINE, as before. VALENTINE fidgets with her dead phone.)

MS. VALENTINE Ugh. I gotta get that charger.

MRS. MELVIN You’re not really thinking of retrieving it.

MS. VALENTINE It’ll just take a minute.

MRS. MELVIN You’re going out there? In the middle of a lockdown!?

MS. VALENTINE Saul did it. 68.

MRS. MELVIN He was having a breakdown.

MS. VALENTINE So am I.

(MS. VALENTINE exits)

MRS. MELVIN (calling after her) Keep an eye out for Mr. Nussbaum!

MR. FREDERICKS What kind of building are these admins running when people can’t stay put during a lockdown? Kind of defeats the purpose, you know?

MRS. MELVIN Yes I know.

MR. FREDERICKS They call a lockdown, and whattaya know. Nobody’s locked down!

MRS. MELVIN You sound like you’re arguing even when no one’s arguing back. Why is that?

MR. FREDERICKS Because I’m tired of being right.

MRS. MELVIN Oh please. Two teachers are out in the hall. One had an . . . mental health emergency, and the other . . . well, the other is risking a lot for no good reason, but I’m sure everyone else is right where they’re supposed to be.

(Enter KENNY, out of breath.)

MR. FREDERICKS Spot on as usual.

KENNY Oh, shit. Yo. Mr. Fredericks. Lemme stay here a minute. Lemme stay.

MR. FREDERICKS Hold on just a minute, Kenny. What’s going on? 69.

KENNY She after me, Mr. Fredericks. I need someplace to hide. This the one place she might not check.

(He sits down with FREDERICKS and MELVIN, away from the “murder hole.” DOTTIE trudges by the door, swinging her mop like a pole ax, bashing at various walls and doors with NUSSBAUM’s pants wrapped around the business end of the mop.)

DOTTIE I KNOW YOU’RE OUT THERE!

MR. FREDERICKS The hell?

KENNY Mista she crazy. She want to hurt me. She gone crazy during this lockdown and she wanna hurt me.

MR. FREDERICKS Sorry, Kenny. It’s been a long day and I’ve had about enough bullshit today for a lifetime.

(FREDERICKS marches KENNY towards the door.)

KENNY Come on mista please!

MRS. MELVIN (to FREDERICKS) You can’t just send him out there.

MR. FREDERICKS I can’t?

MRS. MELVIN We’re in lockdown! You send a student out there and he gets hurt you are finito mister!

MR. FREDERICKS Finito? Are you kidding me with that shit? He wasn’t here to begin with, and we got a pissed off berserker custodian looking for him. We should do her a solid and deliver this slippery eel. 70.

MRS. MELVIN Hmm. Invite her in.

MR. FREDERICKS Good call.

KENNY No!!!

(FREDERICKS opens the door and peers into the hall.)

MR. FREDERICKS She’s gone.

KENNY Ah wheeewwww!

(KENNY’s relief carries him into a sliding, lying down position on the floor.)

MR. FREDERICKS Alright man, start talking. What the hell is going on?

KENNY Whatchu mean?

MR. FREDERICKS Students always know more than we do, and they always know it sooner. What’s going on?

KENNY They’s a bomb threat.

MR. FREDERICKS A bomb threat?

KENNY Dead ass.

MRS. MELVIN Dead? Ass?

KENNY No one knows if it’s real though. 71.

MR. FREDERICKS Who started it?

KENNY Some freaky nerdy dude. I don’t know his name.

MR. FREDERICKS Come on. Who is it?

KENNY I don’t know! Some weird dude who drinks Windex or some shit.

MRS. MELVIN Ugh! That’s Adam. Adam McLaughlin! He was one of mine!

MR. FREDERICKS Are you serious? An AP student did this!

MRS. MELVIN I had him as a junior. For awhile. Until he dropped the course.

MR. FREDERICKS I’ll be damned.

MRS. MELVIN Makes perfect sense. A high performing student feels the pressure of testing more than anyone, and has the least amount of support to excel. Can’t hack it. Drops back with the pack. Spirals further and further into rebellion. Against his parents. Against the system. Finally he snaps and makes a bomb threat.

KENNY Well he didn’t make the actual threat.

MRS. MELVIN What do you mean?

KENNY He just said something about it on Twitter. And we was gonna spread that shit around. Make it sound like they was a threat.

MRS. MELVIN So there isn’t a bomb? 72.

KENNY I don’t know! Bruh might be bombin’ shit without a threat!

MRS. MELVIN But you said there was a threat.

KENNY Nah.

MRS. MELVIN You were going to say there was a threat.

KENNY Ye.

MRS. MELVIN But you didn’t.

KENNY Nah.

MR. FREDERICKS Come on, goddamn it.

KENNY We was talkin’ bout spreading shit, then that crazy old bitch out there snitched on our asses.

MR. FREDERICKS Snitched?

MRS. MELVIN You mean she told the principal?

KENNY Yop! Why you think they call this lockdown thing?

(FREDERICKS and MELVIN share a silent “wtf?” FREDERICKS takes out his phone.) Whatchu doin’? 73.

MR. FREDERICKS Calling the idiots pretending to run this place.

(He dials the phone.) Hey. This is Danny Fredericks. Yeah yeah yeah. Put me through to Block’s office right now . . . RIGHT NOW! Hey Terry? Danny Fredericks. I got Kenny Hill here and he . . . yeah, he’s right here . . . we’ll get to that later . . . right now I wanna know why you called a lockdown for a bomb threat . . . Kenny told me . . . as a matter of fact I do believe him . . . She fuckin’ hung up on me.

MRS. MELVIN I’ll tell you why she called the lockdown. She wanted to hedge her bets. See if she could make it go away and then get back to testing.

MR. FREDERICKS I’ll be dipped in shit, I think you’re right.

MRS. MELVIN I accept your apology.

KENNY Could I please use your phone?

MR. FREDERICKS (chuckles) You know . . . if you spent one goddamn day, one goddamn period paying attention to your teachers instead of sucking off your phone like it was your mama’s teat, you might not be in this predicament.

KENNY I ain’t sucked on no phone.

MR. FREDERICKS God damn you are one dumb fucker you know that?

MRS. MELVIN MR. FREDERICKS! THAT IS A STUDENT YOU ARE SPEAKING TO!

MR. FREDERICKS No it’s not. This piece a garbage will have four kids with three baby mommas by the time he’s twenty-five, with no career, no prospects, no nothin’ but a drain on the rest of us. From the shitty teacher ratings we gotta swallow because of his test scores while he’s in school, to the bloated taxes we all gotta pay to foot the bill for his goddamn food stamps. 74.

MRS. MELVIN And you think that is his fault? My god what is wrong with you?

MR. FREDERICKS Not a thing. I’m just tired of pulling punches.

KENNY Yeah well. No disrespect but fuck you too, Mr. Fredericks. Yo. Mr. Puglese said some shit to me, called me all kinds a names. He’s a racist motherfucker too. But you? You worse. You’re just a nasty ass bastard being a nasty ass cause you angry about su’mm. You angry at yourself for being stuck doin’ a job you hate. Word.

MR. FREDERICKS That’s it. Come at me. Why don’t you put your phone and your blunt down once in awhile and open a book? You might be able to pass a test instead of creating a goddamned disaster for everyone else to manage!

KENNY Yo I been takin’ tests for deadass twelve years and every one of them tells me the same thing. What’s the letter that come home say? I read that shit first to make sure my moms never sees it: Your son--blank space with Kenny Hill written in that shit--is in need of academic intervention services. What that even means?

MRS. MELVIN It means you need extra help.

KENNY Yeah I get that. But an intervention? I need an intervention? I been needing an intervention for twelve years and they don’t give me one?

MR. FREDERICKS The hell you talking about?

KENNY Yo. I dead watch that show “Intervention” on the regular, okay? And when they have an intervention, they surround some dude with all the people in his life, right? Corner his ass.

MR. FREDERICKS Okay--

KENNY An’ so, they all take turns tellin’ this fool that if he don’t stop drinkin’ or doin’ drugs they dead gonna cut him out they life. 75.

MR. FREDERICKS Yeah, and?

KENNY They don’t take no twelve years to do that shit! He got one day to get his shit together! You been tellin’ me twelve years that I need an intervention! What kind of intervention do I get? Extra time in a extra class with you? An angry, half-ass teacher who don’t wanna be there? You call that an intervention? That’s a study hall with a different name. Shit. I failed the test? You failed your test, mu'fugga!.

MR. FREDERICKS (to MELVIN) You mind telling me what this pinhead is talking about?

MRS. MELVIN AIS.

MR. FREDERICKS He said intervention.

MRS. MELVIN AIS stands for Academic Intervention Services. Don’t you teach a section of that?

MR. FREDERICKS Yeah.

MRS. MELVIN And you don’t even know what AIS stands for.

MR. FREDERICKS Oh . . . come on. Who the hell knows any of these goddamned acronyms we get rammed up our asses every day?

MRS. MELVIN I do. And I don’t even teach it.

KENNY As for all that other shit you said? You wait and see Mr. Fredericks. I’ll be buying and selling mu'fuggass like you with toast and butter each day. 76.

MR. FREDERICKS Yeah right. Do yourself a favor and memorize the following: Can you spare any change? You haven’t a chance in hell of contributing anything to this society but a fucking burden on it. Best you can hope for is to sell drugs for awhile, pray you don’t get arrested, then let that baby momma hit that crack pipe you bring home, and hopefully she’ll miscarry the next few bastards you roll down the no-hope-no-use-white-trash conveyor belt.

MRS. MELVIN I will see to it that your career does not survive the day.

MR. FREDERICKS Ah blow me.

KENNY You think you hurtin’ me but you not. I don’t need approval from you. I don’t need approval from no one. I know I’m gonna be something. Right now I’m just trying to graduate. Your job is not to judge me. Your job is to help me learn. If you gave me any help in that AIS shit I might be passing my test. That’s on you mista.

MR. FREDERICKS Oh shove this AIS shit. The whole thing is designed to fail anyway.

MRS. MELVIN That doesn’t mean you’re allowed to give up on students.

MR. FREDERICKS Ah shit on a shingle. It’s all predicated on the idea that the kids who get these services, the kids who need extra help are--

(He balls his fists and strains with mock sincerity.) --all trying really hard but just not getting it.

MRS. MELVIN Yes.

MR. FREDERICKS More horseshit! These are kids who just don’t give a fuck!

MRS. MELVIN Why would you say that?

MR. FREDERICKS HOW ABOUT THIS USELESS HILL OF SHIT CASE-IN-POINT STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!? 77.

He’s about to flunk his senior year, he’s gotta custodian who wants to kill him for god knows what reason, he’s going to jail for spreading a bomb threat--

KENNY Whoa. Back da fuck up!

MR. FREDERICKS --a bomb threat that may or may not be real? I mean THE WHOLE FUCKING BUILDING COULD GET BLOWN TO A PILE OF CINDER BLOCK RUBBLE ANY MINUTE, AND US ALONG WITH IT! AND WHAT DOES HE CARE ABOUT!?

MRS. MELVIN What does he care about, Mr. Fredericks?

MR. FREDERICKS A PIECE OF PUSSY!

MRS. MELVIN Gadzooks you are a boor.

MR. FREDERICKS Made my point though didn’t I?

KENNY Yeah you did. But you forgot one of the shits I did to get in trouble.

MR. FREDERICKS Oh yeah? What?

KENNY I hit a teacher.

MR. FREDERICKS Are you serious you--

(KENNY belts MR. FREDERICKS in the face and bolts from the room.)

MR. FREDERICKS SON OF A BITCH!

(MR. FREDERICKS takes off after KENNY.) 78.

MRS. MELVIN My . . . GOODNESS!

TRANSITION TO:

SCENE 15: NURSE’S OFFICE

(LIAM helps CRYSTAL into the room. She is still crying and boo-hooing to the point of hyperventilation.)

LIAM Shhh! We’re here! Calm the fuck down!

CRYSTAL I’m gonna kill him Liam. I’m gonna KILL him. I don’t got no charge. I can’t send no text or snapchats or nothin’ an’ he busy getting with another biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch. Booooooo-hoo- hoo-hoo.

LIAM Jesus Christ will ya calm down! Please! Mrs. Boggs! Are you in here?

(Enter MRS. BOGGS, the school nurse. She is sympathetic but jaded.)

MRS. BOGGS You kidding me Crystal? Third time this week with you.

LIAM It’s an emergency Miss. She’s freaking out.

MRS. BOGGS Oh really?

LIAM Look at her!

MRS. BOGGS What is it this time, Crystal.

CRYSTAL He’s fuckin’ another bitch miss, HE’S FUCKIN’ ANOTHER BITCH!

(MRS. BOGGS looses an exasperated sigh.) 79.

MRS. BOGGS Another bitch, huh? Whattaya need? You wanna lie down for awhile? You need to call your mom? An Advil, some condoms, what?

CRYSTAL You got a iphone charger??

MRS. BOGGS Aw piss on it, Crystal.

(She reaches into her white nurse coat pocket, produces a charger, hands it to CRYSTAL, and exits. CRYSTAL plugs in her phone and stares at the screen, waiting for enough power to come back to make it operational.)

CRYSTAL Now I jus’ gotta wait.

(She exhales. Deeply. Inhales. Deeply. Staring at the phone. Waiting for it to come back.) Come on.

(She inhales. Deeply. Exhales.) Come on come on come on!

(LIAM stares at her like she has lost her mind. The charge brings the phone, and her, back to life. She pops to her feet.) Boom! Watch me now, motherfucker!

(Totally re-engerized, she poses and snaps a duck- lipped selfie.) How you like me now?

LIAM What are you doing?

CRYSTAL Show that motherfucker I ain’t sweatin’ his bullshit.

LIAM You’re both sick. 80.

CRYSTAL See if that stupid motherfucker like it when he can’t have none of this.

(She pops her hips out seductively and snaps another duck-lipped selfie.)

LIAM You deserve each other, that’s for sure.

CRYSTAL I’m tweeting this shit out. With the message:

(She texts.) Bet you gonna miss this.

(She snaps another suggestive selfie, heavy on the cleavage. Then texts.) No hashtag-dumbfuck hashtag-superseniors gettin’ wit dis.

LIAM You serious?

CRYSTAL Send. I got shits for days.

(She snaps a booty selfie. Then texts.) Not even a bomb in this shitass school can stop you from bein’ a hashtag-dumbfuck. Send.

(She makes a duck-lips-to-end-all-duck-lips face, with cleavage and booty. Takes a selfie. Then texts.) Sucks to be you missin’ this. Boom. Send.

LIAM Somebody kill me.

CRYSTAL I’m jus’ gettin’ started. Yo Liam. Will you take me a booty vid? I’ll start twerking over there and you--

LIAM No, fuck this bruh! I’m tired a shit! I been helping you two long enough with your . . . stupidfuckin’ problems! And now we started this stupidfuckin’ bomb threat jus’ to get him out of that stupidfuckin’ test and now it’s gotten way way out of control! I’m not tryna end up in deep shit for-- 81.

CRYSTAL Hold up, fuckboy.

LIAM I’m goin’ back to the cafeteria.

(He moves for the door.)

CRYSTAL Wait a minute motherfucker! You started this shit?

LIAM Not really.

CRYSTAL Not really motherfucker? You fuckin’ with my shit now, bitch!

LIAM Gotta go.

(LIAM exits.)

CRYSTAL Come back here motherfucker! Answer my shit! Come back here! Liam! Motherfucker!

(CRYSTAL bolts after him. MRS. BOGGS comes back with a glass of water and an Advil. She shrugs. Takes the Advil. Gulps the water. Then exits.)

SCENE 16: PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE

(MRS. BLOCK and MR. PUGLESE are wearing a groove in the floor with panicked pacing. BLOCK has wads of test schedules in her hands which she has worked into tatters, and he is on his device.)

MRS. BLOCK Jesus Christ Moe. We don’t have an exit strategy.

MR. PUGLESE Exit stragedy? 82.

MRS. BLOCK We’re not gonna get these tests done before August. Students won’t graduate on time. Teachers won’t get their evaluations. In one day the whole school year has turned into a fucking dumpster fire. Students, teachers, and parents are gonna flip out.

(THE BELL RINGS) AW FUCK ME IN THE FUCKHOLE!

MR. PUGLESE Well I hate to break it to you Terry, but the parents are already flippin’ out.

MRS. BLOCK About the tests?

MR. PUGLESE ‘Bout the bomb threat.

MRS. BLOCK How do you know?

(He holds up his phone.)

MR. PUGLESE My email’s blowin’ up.

(BLOCK is struck.)

MRS. BLOCK Wait. WAIT!!! Maybe if the bomb threat seems . . . more credible . . . parents will think we’re sacrificing everything for their kids’ safety . . . it might be the only way out of this-- fucking test fiasco . . . they may end up thanking us!

(Enter OFFICER KERNS, red-faced and out of breath.)

MRS. BLOCK Whadja find!?

OFFICER KERNS Listen Terry. Um. Mrs. Block. We can’t find a thing.

MRS. BLOCK WELL LOOK AGAIN! 83.

OFFICER KERNS Look again?

MRS. BLOCK Is that a complicated idea for you?

OFFICER KERNS Um. Not for nothin’ but I thought you wanted to end this lockdown?

MRS. BLOCK At the expense of student safety?

OFFICER KERNS We been over every square inch a this place!

MRS. BLOCK THEN GO OVER EVERY CENTIMETER! AND AFTER THAT, GO OVER EVER MILLIMETER!

(She tries to grab him by the shirt but his uniform is too tight. She keeps grabbing and clawing and ends up giving him an awkward titty twister.) EVERY MILLIMETER YOU FAT BASTARD!

OFFICER KERNS Ow!

MRS. BLOCK YOU DO NOT STOP LOOKING FOR A BOMB UNTIL YOU FIND A BOMB DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!?!

OFFICER KERNS OW!!!

MR. PUGLESE Basta, Terry. Basta. Take it easy. TAKE IT EASY!

(He grabs her shoulders. She releases OFFICER KERNS and gathers herself.)

MRS. BLOCK I’m . . . I’m sorry Officer Kerns, I . . . I’m a little stressed and I . . . I’m scared . . . I’m scared of bombs . . . these poor children. 84.

(She puts her head on his chest. It’s part performance, part breakdown.)

OFFICER KERNS Well uh, that’s alright.

(He awkwardly peels her off of him.) And like I said, uh, we’ve been over the place pretty thoroughly and we didn’t find anything and well . . . not for nothin’ Missus, uh, Block, but uh . . . you got other problems in your building.

(DOTTIE goes ripping by the doorway in a froth.)

OFFICER KERNS Aside from that there . . . lady . . . you got multiple people in the halls. Students. Teachers. Runnin’ around. Chasin’ each other down. And this is, what, a lockdown? Not for nothin’ but, um . . . it ain’t workin’.

(MRS. BLOCK grabs the mic and hits the switch on the control panel.)

MRS. BLOCK (on intercom) Attention students, teachers, and staff. This is your principal, Mrs. Terry Block. It has come to my attention that some of you are not following protocol for our lockdown. If caught, this may result in your suspension, expulsion, or if a staff member, termination. At this time you are to instructed to enter the nearest open room and--

(DOTTIE rips by the doorway in the other direction.)

MRS. BLOCK GOD DAMMIT!

(She drops the mic and chases DOTTIE.)

TRANSITION TO:

SCENE 17: SCHOOL HALLWAY

(In this chase scene, actors face downstage and run in place to simulate a chase down the hall. 85.

From there they can adjust their speed to simulate gaining or losing ground on one another.)

DOTTIE chases KENNY.

FREDERICKS joins the chase after KENNY.

BLOCK joins the chase after KENNY

KENNY jukes left, cuts right and disappears, leaving DOTTIE, FREDERICKS, and BLOCK in the dust, sucking wind.

DOTTIE wheezes, coughs, then hocks a big loogie. BLOCK and FREDERICKS wince.

DOTTIE runs off.

FREDERICKS runs off.

BLOCK runs off.

MR. NUSSBAUM peeks in, then goes tear-assing through, still naked from the waist down.

CRYSTAL chases LIAM.

LIAM jukes left, cuts right, and disappears. CRYSTAL stops, out of breath, ready to barf up a lung.

CRYSTAL regains her breath and runs off just as KENNY reappears, pursued by BLOCK. KENNY jukes left, then cuts right, and disappears.

BLOCK is left in a cloud of dust. She bends at the waist to catch her breath, and staggers off, clutching her sides and limping.

(DOTTIE chases KENNY, ferociously swinging her mop.

LIAM runs on. He catches up to KENNY.

They fist bump. 86.

And Stop.

LIAM and KENNY face off with DOTTIE. She fights them with the two ends of her mop, like Darth Maul with the double light-saber.

KENNY evades a few swings, but then she nails him in the gut. He grabs hold of the mop, and pulls Nussbaum’s pee-pee pants off the end. As he recoils in horror, she smashes him in the chin. He flops onto his back.

She deftly pivots and takes out LIAM’s knee. He rolls away. She pursues and repeatedly tries to spear him on the floor.

KENNY recovers and runs off, leaving Nussbaum’s pants in a wad.

LIAM gets to his feet. He and DOTTIE get back into attack-and-defend position. He evades several attacks and--

NUSSBAUM tear-asses through the middle of their fight, still naked from the waist down.

He tries to scoop-and-grab the pants but fumbles, somersaults, and exits, never breaking stride.

DOTTIE and LIAM are struck dumb.

Then DOTTIE spears the pants and chases LIAM off with her reloaded weapon.

TRANSITION TO:

SCENE 18: TEACHERS LOUNGE

(KENNY dives into the teacher’s lounge. MRS. MELVIN is there, alone.)

MRS. MELVIN Hello again young man. 87.

KENNY What up, Miss?

MRS. MELVIN What up? That’s how you speak to your teachers? What up?

KENNY You ain’t my teacher.

MRS. MELVIN But I’m your elder.

KENNY So.

MRS. MELVIN And a teacher in this school.

KENNY So.

MRS. MELVIN Have you forgotten how I stood up for you?

KENNY I didn’t axe you for that.

MRS. MELVIN Well if not gratitude I at least deserve respect.

KENNY How I disrespected you?

MRS. MELVIN Excuse me?

KENNY All I said was “what up.” Whass the matter wit’ dat?

MRS. MELVIN Wit dat? 88.

KENNY (noticing a granola bar on the table) Yo. Is that a Quaker Chocolate Chip?

MRS. MELVIN It appears to be.

KENNY Ooh. Can I have it? That’s my shit.

(She is puzzled.)

MRS. MELVIN That’s your shit?

KENNY Please Miss? I didn’t get no lunch.

MRS. MELVIN Gee whiz. It’s been a long day to go without lunch. Did you get breakfast?

KENNY I had some Pringles. And a big ass Monster Energy drink. Word.

MRS. MELVIN Does your mom know you had junk food for breakfast?

KENNY She don’t care. But that’s cool. That’s my shit.

MRS. MELVIN Your mother doesn’t care?

KENNY Nah. She don’t got time to care.

MRS. MELVIN What about your dad?

KENNY Pfft. That mu’fugga’s in jail.

MRS. MELVIN My goodness . . . 89.

KENNY Can I have the Quaker chocolate chip, Miss?

MRS. MELVIN It’s not mine to give.

KENNY I don’t see no one’s name on it.

(He takes it the Quaker bar and unwraps it. MRS. MELVIN looks at him inquisitively as he eats it.)

MRS. MELVIN I’m sorry for what Mr. Fredericks said to you earlier, but that doesn’t give you the right to hit him.

KENNY My fault.

MRS. MELVIN And so. You are not to leave this room. When the lockdown is over, you will be disciplined. And . . . so will he.

KENNY Are you deadass? He gonna get in trouble?

MRS. MELVIN Mmm, I’m not sure if my ass is dead but I will see to it that his actions go on record. He has no right to speak to students that way.

KENNY You right. But I’m used to it Miss.

MRS. MELVIN He’s spoken to you that way before?

KENNY Miss. More teachers than I can count have spoke to me that way.

MRS. MELVIN Despicable.

KENNY No one called me a spic though Miss. 90.

MRS. MELVIN Ugh.

(She shakes her head hopelessly. MS. VALENTINE enters with her phone charger and immediately plugs in to a power strip.)

MS. VALENTINE No sign of Saul. Where’s Danny?

(The moment she sees KENNY she instantly reorganizes her whole personality for flirtation, but tries not to be obvious about it, which makes it even more obvious.)

Oh hi Kenny!

KENNY Hey Miss Valentine.

MS. VALENTINE How you doin’?

KENNY Not good Miss. I hit Mr. Fredericks.

MS. VALENTINE Seriously?

KENNY Yop.

MS. VALENTINE Ah, he probably had it coming.

KENNY Deadass. You the best, Miss!

(He offers her a fistbump which she giggingly reciprocates.)

MS. VALENTINE So. How are things with you and--and “bae.” 91.

(She giggles at herself for using student slang.)

KENNY Aw, Miss. I’m mad tight. Things is bad.

MS. VALENTINE Mmm. I’m sorry, Kenny. I thought I saw a little spat between you two in the cafeteria earlier.

KENNY You don’t know the half, Miss.

MS. VALENTINE What’s going on?

KENNY Well. She’s buggin’. She thinks I’m talking to another girl right now. So she freaking out big time. But we in this shelter thing so I can’t go find her.

MRS. MELVIN Excuse me. Your girlfriend has a problem with you talking to another girl?

KENNY Tsk, nah.

MS. VALENTINE It’s a figure of speech, Eileen.

KENNY Anyway. She think I’m with another girl, but I ain’t!

MS. VALENTINE Aww, and you’re like totally running around, risking getting in trouble just to tell her! That’s so sweet!

MRS. MELVIN Ms. Valentine!

MS. VALENTINE What?

MRS. MELVIN We are still in lockdown! 92.

MS. VALENTINE So?

MRS. MELVIN So grow up!

(MS. VALENTINE dismisses MRS. MELVIN with a hand wave. She pulls up close to KENNY, the way a friend, or even more than a friend, might sit near him to pump him for gossip.)

MS. VALENTINE So then what?

KENNY I can’t find her. And I don’t have my phone so I can’t even tell her it ain’t true.

MS. VALENTINE Oh no.

KENNY Mr. Puglese sent her a buncha texts on my phone. Said I was in the bathroom with another girl doin’ . . . you know.

(MRS. MELVIN gasps.)

MRS. MELVIN My god!

MS. VALENTINE Oh my god I’m so sorry Kenny.

MRS. MELVIN Are you saying an administrator used your personal electronic device to send a communication to another student, suggesting you were having sexual relations in the bathroom?

KENNY Yop. Then he threw my phone in a dirty ass janitor bucket. Broke my shit.

MRS. MELVIN Well this cannot pass. 93.

MS. VALENTINE Mrs. Melvin--

MRS. MELVIN He should be reprimanded! Removed!

KENNY Miss! I got bigger problems! My girl is tryna--

MRS. MELVIN Bigger problems?

KENNY Yeah. That ain’t nothin’. That fat mu'fugga get away with all kinds of shady shit.

MRS. MELVIN Will you put a statement in writing? You should also write one against Mr. Fredericks now that I think of it. It’s your only hope for leniency.

KENNY Nah. I ain’t tryna fight no battle I can’t win.

MRS. MELVIN What makes you think you can’t win?

KENNY Ain’t nothin’s gonna happen. Why waste everyone’s time! Miss! Please!

MS. VALENTINE Eileen? Would you mind just letting me handle this?

MRS. MELVIN I don’t think so Missy. Look at you. First you applaud a student for sneaking around during a lockdown, and you’re now you’re saying you’re okay with one of our administrators mistreating a student? You’re acting like a child. Why should I let you handle it?

MS. VALENTINE Uh, because I’m in touch with reality?

MRS. MELVIN I don’t care to perpetuate that reality. 94.

MS. VALENTINE Well. Dream on crazy lady. Because he’s right. As soon as it’s his word against Danny’s and Puglese’s, he’s screwed.

MRS. MELVIN I have a hard time believing--

MS. VALENTINE Eileen! Seriously! Believe what you wanna believe! You’ve been in your ivory tower teaching AP classes for so long that you’ve like . . . lost track of everything else that has happened around it!

MRS. MELVIN Then it’s our job to educate them about their rights. Let them know that with legal counsel--

MS. VALENTINE Legal counsel? Eileen! Come off it! They’re not all privileged little tadpoles being groomed for Harvard. They’re teenagers! With teenager problems! And (no offense Kenny) but a lot of them are a fucking mess! When you teach the classes that most of us teach, sometimes you gotta just help them clean up the mess!

MRS. MELVIN But just twenty, even only ten years ago--

MS. VALENTINE EILEEN! WAKE UP! IT’S NOT TEN OR TWENTY YEARS AGO!

(MRS. MELVIN is beaten. She sits in a sad silence as she watches MS. VALENTINE talk to KENNY about his girl problems.) Okay so. What are you gonna say to bae?

(She giggles again at her use of slang.)

KENNY I’o’know Miss. I been takin’ her for granite and not treatin’ her right an’ . . . I can’t lose her, Miss . . .

MS. VALENTINE Would it help you if I let you use my phone?

KENNY Awwwww, Miss you serious? 95.

MS. VALENTINE Yep! Should be enough charge to turn it on. Let’s leave it plugged in though, k?

KENNY Aiight. You the best. If I was graduated I’d holla at you, miss.

MS. VALENTINE Aw, Kenny.

(She hands him her her phone.) Don’t you be lookin’ at my pics, now.

KENNY Got any nudes?

MS. VALENTINE Kenny.

KENNY My fault.

(He sits on the floor to keep the cord in the power strip and looks at the phone.)

Damn. You don’t got Crystal’s number saved though.

MS. VALENTINE Pfft. Why would I?

KENNY Well, damn, Miss. I’o’know it.

MRS. MELVIN You don’t know your own girlfriend’s phone number? No wonder you’re having such trouble.

KENNY Pfft.

MS. VALENTINE (to MRS. MELVIN) Eileen? Please. 96.

KENNY Yo Miss. Can I jus’ look on your Twitter?

MS. VALENTINE Sure.

(She sits down on the floor next to him. They are shoulder to shoulder. KENNY holds the phone, incidentally near his crotch while MS. VALENTINE does the scrolling and button punching. At a glance it looks criminally intimate.)

MS. VALENTINE Searching . . . Crystal . . . Buzby

KENNY That how you spell her last name?

(MRS. MELVIN nearly speaks out but doesn’t.)

MS. VALENTINE Jesus, Kenny.

KENNY Damn. She breakin’ up with me on Twitter.

MS. VALENTINE That’s pretty serious.

KENNY An’ lookit those pictures! What do I do Miss?

(Enter CRYSTAL, who for this brief appearance must be played by one of the men. She is UTTERLY AGHAST at the site of KENNY sitting on the floor next to MS. VALENTINE in intimate quarters. She bugs out on cue.)

CRYSTAL OH MY GOD! NOW YOU FUCKIN’ A TEACHER!

(She jets from the room, on tilt.) HEEEEEEEEEEE FUCKIN’ A TEAAAAAAAACHEERRRRRRRR BOOOOOOO- HOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!!! 97.

KENNY Awwwwww, damn! DAMN! What do I do NOW miss?

MS. VALENTINE Go to her. And tell her the truth. Forget texts. Forget social media. Go to her now.

KENNY But that lockdown thing though!

MS. VALENTINE Let’s face it Kenny, you’re already in big trouble. Come on, I’ll go with you. I’ll like, totally take the heat for this one.

(MRS. MELVIN is beside herself.)

KENNY You the best, Ms. Valentine. I love you.

(He hugs her.)

MS. VALENTINE I . . . I feel a little repsonsible. This lockdown is like already a complete joke anyway.

(KENNY and MS. VALENTINE exit. MRS. MELVIN pulls her phone from her bag and makes a call.)

MRS. MELVIN (on phone) Human resources please . . . yes hello, Elaine? It’s Eileen. Yeah, I know it’s been crazy . . . nobody really knows what’s going on, trust me . . . I’ll tell you about it some other time maybe. Listen, Elaine. I’m calling to ask you . . .

(She fights through an urge to stop herself.)

. . . could you send along my retirement papers as soon as you can? . . . no, for this year . . . yeah I know said maybe I’d give it another couple of years, but . . . I’ve changed my mind . . . thanks Elaine. 98.

SCENE 19: THE CAFETERIA

(BLOCK sits with her head in her hands. PUGLESE rummages through abandoned cafeteria trays, taking bites of this and that.)

MRS. BLOCK Well. This is a runaway catastrophe. I think we’ll hafta just take it on the chin.

MR. PUGLESE Va bene. Come on, Terry.

MRS. BLOCK I could always go work for the department of ed.

MR. PUGLESE Stick to your guns about student safety, exaggerate the bomb business, and everything’ll work out fine, Terry.

MRS. BLOCK Seemed like a good idea at the time, but think about it. If I play up that angle, they’re gonna wonder why we didn’t evacuate.

MR. PUGLESE Eh. Maybe you gotta time it just right. Or maybe you got a tip the bomb was in the parking lot, no?

(His phone buzzes. He checks it.) Desgraziade a qe la cade! The building’s surrounded!

MRS. BLOCK With cops?

MR. PUGLESE With parents! Looks like they’re demanding an evac.

MRS. BLOCK Demanding an evac?

MR. PUGLESE Seems like Dottie’s not the only one who knows what the protocol s’pose to be for a bomb threat. 99.

MRS. BLOCK Demanding an evac?

MR. PUGLESE There’s pics. They’re all over the parking lot, the field, the side street, Madonn’ the state route!

MRS. BLOCK I am still the principal of this goddamn building. And until they break down the fuckin’ doors, march in, and take it from me, I am going to run the motherfucker the way I see fit. If they want an evac, I’ll give them their fucking evac. But it’s gonna be my way. First thing’s first we gotta round up whoever’s loose.

(Enter MS. VALENTINE and KENNY.)

MR. PUGLESE And lookit this! Can-a-corn ground ball, Terry!

MRS. BLOCK Hello Kenny.

KENNY Hi Miss.

MR. PUGLESE (to VALENTINE) Minga, how the hell’d ya catch him?

MS. VALENTINE I didn’t. He came to me. And he’s here to turn himself in.

MRS. BLOCK Oh really.

MS. VALENTINE And he’ll confess all. On one condition.

MRS. BLOCK Condition?

MS. VALENTINE Kenny? 100.

KENNY I jus’ want a chance to ‘splain myself to Crystal, Miss. So . . . one a you gots to tell her I didn’t send that text.

MRS. BLOCK What text?

MR. PUGLESE Ba fangool.

MRS. BLOCK Moe?

MR. PUGLESE I, uh . . . kinda played a prank on this skivosa while we was sittin’ in the office. I, uh . . .

MRS. BLOCK You what, Moe?

MR. PUGLESE Sent his girlfriend some texts from his phone tellin’ her he was in the bathroom with a skanky ho. Then I . . . dropped his phone in a bucket a dirty mop water . . .

(She is agape. She stands up, ready to unload on him, looks him dead in the eye and . . . the two of them burst into restrained hysterics.)

KENNY You violating.

MRS. BLOCK Alright Kenny. Your turn. Now spill.

KENNY Well. I pissed all over the baffroom. And like I told you before, I was gonna spread the rumor of a bomb threat. Then after he sent the texts, Crystal was buggin’ out so . . . I ran out your office. Then, I ran from that crazy janitor lady. Then, I hit that bitchass mu'fugga Mr. Fredericks in the face. Hard. Then I ran from him. Then I ran from you. Then I fought with the crazy janitor lady. She hit me wit her mop. The mop had someone’s wet pee-pee jeans on it. Then, I ran from her again. Then, I stole somebody’s Quaker Chocolate chip. It was nice though. That’s my shit.

MRS. BLOCK But do you know anything about an actual bomb? 101.

KENNY Nah.

MRS. BLOCK Mr. Puglese, will you please go find Officer Kerns. As soon as we get Kenny his face-to- face with Crystal he’ll need to make an arrest.

MR. PUGLESE With pleasure.

(He exits.)

MRS. BLOCK Ms. Valentine will you please sweep the hallways to see if any more students are running loose and if they are, will you direct them to the cafeteria immediately.

MS. VALENTINE Sure. You’re on your own now, Kenny. Good luck.

KENNY You the only teacher I ever had that gets me Miss.

MS. VALENTINE Awww.

(She kisses him on the cheek and exits.)

KENNY What’s gonna happen to me Miss?

MRS. BLOCK After your arrest? Bail, a court date, and sentencing.

KENNY Am I gonna graduate?

MRS. BLOCK Uh . . . well, eventually, sure. Maybe.

(DOTTIE chases LIAM into the room.)

DOTTIE Ahhhh hahahahaha! GOT YOU FUCKER! GOT YOU!

LIAM HELP! PLEASE HELP! 102.

MRS. BLOCK Dottie!

(LIAM does a shoulder roll on the table to evade DOTTIE’s mop whacks.)

LIAM OH WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

(DOTTIE takes a barbarian swing with her mop and hits LIAM in the temple, flattening him.)

MRS. BLOCK DOTTIE!

(BLOCK grapples with DOTTIE for the mop.) Kenny! Go get Officer Kerns now!

(As KENNY exits, DOTTIE sees him for the first time since her entrance. She short circuits.)

DOTTIE AHHHHHHHHHH! THERE GOES THE WAGGLIN’ WEENIE! LEMME GO! LEMME GO! THE WAGGLING WEENIE!

(She crumples into a pile of anguished cackles.) AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahhhhhhhhhhh. All I wanted was a little justice. A LIL JUSTICE YA CUNT!

MRS. BLOCK It’s a shame you couldn’t just follow discipline protocol, Dottie. He confessed to everything right before you got here.

DOTTIE Discipline protocol. There ain’t no discipline protocol. This place has become the wild fucking west since Gill McGinnis retired and you know it.

MRS. BLOCK And you think that’s my fault?

DOTTIE If not yours, then whose? 103.

MRS. BLOCK Different time now Dottie. The pressures on administrators face in this day and age are--

DOTTIE Aw stick it.

(OFFICER KERNS enters.)

MRS. BLOCK She assaulted a student with her mop.

DOTTIE It was worth it.

OFFICER KERNS Let’s go.

(He escorts DOTTIE out.)

MRS. BLOCK (to LIAM, who is coming to) You okay?

LIAM Won’t know until batting practice. See how many balls I see comin’ at me.

MRS. BLOCK Oh you won’t be going to batting practice.

LIAM Why not?

MRS. BLOCK I know you were in on that bomb threat.

LIAM No I wasn’t!

(Enter CRYSTAL. She stalks after LIAM.)

CRYSTAL WHY YOU SPREAD THIS BOMB THREAT BULLSHIT MU’FUGGAH!?

MRS. BLOCK Whoa. SETTLE DOWN! 104.

(She blocks CRYSTAL from charging LIAM.) Anything to say for yourself Mr. Schneck?

(He’s got nothing. Enter KENNY)

KENNY (to MRS. BLOCK) Sorry Miss I couldn’t find no one.

(He sees CRYSTAL and instantly comes to her.) I’m so sorry, boo. I swear on my mom’s life I din’ send no texts. That was Mr. Puglese violating.

MRS. BLOCK He’s right, Crystal. Mr. Puglese confessed a few minutes ago.

CRYSTAL Aw bae. I’m sorry for actin’ crazy. But why you spread this bomb threat?

KENNY We did that ‘cause . . . I din’ wanna fail the global test, ‘cause . . . I din’ wanna lose you.

CRYSTAL Aww, bae . . .

(They embrace.)

MRS. BLOCK Guilty as charged then, eh Liam?

LIAM Yeah. I mean NO! I mean it all came from that kid on Twitter!

MRS. BLOCK Save it. He’s not the one who spread it all over the building. You are.

LIAM But he started it! Check Twitter! Plus . . . there’s that girl . . . that art chick that never smiles . . . what’shername . . . where’d she go? Just . . . check Twitter!

MRS. BLOCK I might get around to it. You idiots might’ve cost me my career. A headache that lasts til August at least. You won’t be seeing a single pitch the rest of this baseball season, Mr. Schneck. And you’ll be lucky if you walk at graduation. 105.

LIAM (to KENNY) You so owe me dude.

KENNY I’ll hook you up, bruh.

(He pantomimes hitting a blunt.)

For life.

(LIAM concedes. They shake hands. It turns into a bro-hug-with-backslap.)

MRS. BLOCK Mr. Schneck you have one chance to do something right today. Go find Mr. Puglese and tell him everything you know about this . . . bomb threat.

(LIAM nods and exits. BLOCK turns to CRYSTAL and KENNY.) You two can go wait in my office. We will be evacuating shortly.

KENNY Aw hell yeah.

MRS. BLOCK Keep the door open.

(KENNY looks into CRYSTAL’s eyes.)

KENNY It was all worth it jus’ to show you how much I care.

CRYSTAL I love you, bae.

KENNY I love you boo.

(They exit.)

MRS. BLOCK God help us all.

(enter MR. FREDERICKS, in a froth.) 106.

MR. FREDERICKS You seen that sonofabitch Kenny Hill?

MRS. BLOCK Jesus Christ, Danny. I expect more out of you.

MR. FREDERICKS The fuck you talking about?

MRS. BLOCK Why did you move during the lockdown? What are you THINKING?

MR. FREDERICKS What am I thinking? What are YOU thinking? You call a lockdown for a bomb threat? Then that slippery son of a bitch Kenny Hill gets loose, comes into the teachers’ lounge, and punches my ass in the face!

MRS. BLOCK No excuse to run out into the hall.

MR. FREDERICKS No excuse? What’s his excuse? He was waltzing around the halls all day just like he’s always waltzing around in the goddamn halls. You got no control over this place whether it’s a normal day or a full blown fucking disaster.

MRS. BLOCK You are way outta line, Danny, way outta line!

MR. FREDERICKS Am I? Then explain it to me. I dare ya. Why was this kid running loose? Guarantee it was your fault somehow! Were you even aware of what the fuck was going on before I called and spelled it out for ya?

MRS. BLOCK I was as a matter of fact, and we couldn’t locate either of the boys who--

MR. FREDERICKS Couldn’t locate ‘em. Couldn’t locate anyone. During a drill--no not a drill--during a crisis where everyone is supposed to be locked down, which wasn’t even the right call! Ha! You fucked up in the middle of a fuck-up! Who does that?

MRS. BLOCK Watch it Danny-- 107.

MR. FREDERICKS Only you! Coulda been sweatin’ ‘em down for details! This whole thing shoulda been over hours ago! Nice work you sorry excuse for a principal!

MRS. BLOCK Do you have any idea what it takes to run this building? DO YOU!?!

MR. FREDERICKS NO I DON’T! AND THAT’S NOT THE JOB I SIGNED UP FOR EITHER!

MRS. BLOCK WHAT JOB DID YOU SIGN UP FOR! YOU’RE NOT DOING THAT ONE EITHER FROM THE LOOK OF THINGS!

(He drinks that in.)

MR. FREDERICKS You know what? You’re right.

(He snaps.) IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII QUIT!!! Now GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCK YOURSELF! GOD DAMN THAT FEELS GOOD!

(MR. NUSSBAUM tears into the room, mind on tilt. Every thought he stifled, every idea that was stepped on, and every ounce of his lunatic rage and then some issues forth in a rapid-fire stream-of- conscious like a hizzing geyser of boiling sulfur.)

MR. NUSSBAUM AH-HA! AH-HA! AH-HA! YOU QUIT, HUH? YOU QUIT!? I thought ya already quit once when you gave in and decided to bend over for the testing machine and let ‘em just give it to ya, GIVE IT TO YA? Isn’t that what you and Mrs. Melvin were arguing about all day long? You’re sitting there arguing with one another, going at it hammer and tongs! You say bend over and take the medicine and she says we should be fighting! YEAH GREAT! WE’RE FIGHTING! WE’RE FIGHTING OURSELVES! FIGHTING EACH ANOTHER! What what what what’d the guy who ran the railroads in the 1800’s say? He could easily use half the poor people to kill the other half the poor people? You should be working together to fight our common enemy. OUR COMMON ENEMY IN THE STATE CAPITAL! OUR COMMON ENEMY IN THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT! 108.

They want you to quit don’t you get it! They want her to retire! They want you to get outta the way so they can tear down public education, tear out all the veteran teachers who cost too much money because because because because they don’t believe in paying for experience! Couldn’t possibly be any value in paying for experience! They wanna design unpassable tests! Make sure the kids fail! Can’t be the kids fault! Kids are perfect! Parents aren’t accountable! So blame the teachers! Lay the groundwork for the corporations to take over, take your pensions, and play kickball with that money on Wall Street! FIGHTING WITH ONE ANOTHER ONLY HELPS THEIR CAUSE DON’T YA SEE? And whatja say? Whatja say? Whatja say? Some stupid stupid stupid stuff about keeping up with other countries? Other countries with radical economic growth? How do you know that growth’s not predicated on tyrannical sweat shop labor not not not not not not superior education? Course course course course course you weren’t gonna listen to me, a little pissant, a little untenured teacher!An untenured little worm who has NO SAY IN ANYTHING AT ALL! A servile, little scumbag who doesn’t have the right or the might to chime into a simple conversation while you two STUBBORN, VISIONLESS, BRAINLESS TITANS GO AT EACH OTHER AND FORCE ME TO LISTEN! HEDGE ME OUT OF THE CONVERSATION! TRAMPLE MY PATHETIC LITTLE ATTEMPTS TO SAY SOMETHING OF IMPORT! WELL NOW I’M CHIMING IN! I’ve been running around for awhile! Working up the courage to say FUCK IT! I’VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY! AND YOU’RE ALL GONNA LISTEN GODDAMIT! You’re gonna listen to the little untenured pissant. I’ve been here almost two years now and what is the main directive for me as a teacher from from from YOU ADMINISTRATORS and other teachers? Is it about teaching? Is it about helping kids? Is it even about this awful GLUT OF TESTING? Not really. Whattaya wanna do when you enter this racket? You wanna COVER YOUR ASS! IT’S SO COMMON IT HAS ITS OWN ACRONYM! C.Y.A! It’s all I’ve heard since I got here! Everyone wants to C.Y.A.! Even my so-called mentor, at every meeting, told me to C.Y.A., C.Y.A., C.Y.A.! Nobody seems to care much about quality of instruction, or cooperating to help these kids, or even fight the common enemy as long as we all C.Y.A.! But I’m just the servile little untenured little worm who can be fired for lookin’ at someone wrong. I’m just the little ineffectual turd who has to be MADE TO FEEL BAD AND DARE NOT KNOCK ON THE BATHROOM DOOR A SECOND TIME EVEN IF I GOTTA TAKE A REAL REAL REAL REAL BAD ONE!

(He’s done. They share a thoughtful, exhausted silence.)

MRS. BLOCK Mr. Nussbaum you’re not wearing any pants.

MR. NUSSBAUM BAHHH-HA-HA-HA-HA! WELL NEITHER ARE YOU!!! THE EMPEROR! WEARS NO PANTS! GET IT!? AhhhhhhhhAHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! 109.

(NUSSBAUM runs off.)

MR. FREDERICKS He’s the only one who still makes any sense around here. I’ll be seein’ ya.

(FREDERICKS exits.)

MRS. BLOCK No ya won’t asshole.

(Enter LYLE, pushing his mop. Looks like business as usual for him. BLOCK watches him for a moment, admiring his nonchalance.)

MR. PUGLESE (on intercom) Attention ladies and gentlemen. At this time we are calling an end to this lovely lockdown. Looks like the threat musta been a fugazi. We will now evacuate in as orderly a fashion as humanely possible. Course there’s only ‘bout ten minutes left in the entire school day, but the boss said to evac, we gonna do an evac. Beh. It’s her thing.

(BLOCK shakes her head and exits.) By the way, most a your parents are scattered all over the outside of the building, so find them if you can. And if you can’t? Then go home and get your shinebox. Oh-OH! Finally . . . keep your eyes and ears open for announcements and emails and phone calls and the this and the that and the other about the revised testing schedule. We will be making up each and every test, full steam ahead, for as long as it takes . . . That’s right. We will be getting right back on track with our lovely testing schedule as soon as we are able. Have a good day. Badabing, badaboom, let’s go, let’s go, andiamo, let’s go!

(Enter KIM, making a phone call. LYLE subtly eavesdrops.)

KIM (on phone) Adam! . . . Oh my god it so worked. Like you wouldn’t even believe. People went fucking crazy. Some people quit! I think some people got fired! Arrested! Suspended . . .

(NUSSBAUM goes tear-assing by, still naked from the waist down.)

You name it, dude. We fucked this place up good. . . . 110.

And no one even realizes you moved to Oregon yesterday. . . fucking genius . . . Hell yeah you should delete the tweet! Delete it now! Genius. GENIUS!

(She exits. LYLE keeps pushing his mop.)

LYLE . . . eh. Whattareyagonnado?