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Home , Always Something There, Angie Dickinson, Blue Haze, Burt Bacharach, How Can I Forget, I Say a Little Prayer

(BURT & ME)

Book by Larry McKenna

Music & Lyrics by &

Copyright © January, 2010 Current Revisions by (Larry McKenna 12/27/13)

Larry McKenna 102 Walnut Avenue, Wayne, PA 19087 610.688.5246 Email: [email protected] "BURT & ME" FINAL 1.

(PROJECTION: Burt Bacharach 1)

OVERTURE: ( TO REMIND ME, , DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SAN JOSE) CIRCA 1961 SONG: ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE TO REMIND ME (FULL CAST WITH THE EXCEPTION OF GEORGE) (JOE) I WALK ALONG THE CITY STREETS YOU USED TO WALK ALONG WITH ME AND EVERY STEP I TAKE REMINDS ME OF JUST HOW WE USED TO BE. OH, HOW CAN I... (GROUP) AH... (JOE) FORGET YOU, GIRL WHEN THERE IS (JOE & GROUP) ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE TO REMIND ME ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE TO REMIND ME

(GROUP) DOO DOO... (JOE) WHEN SHADOWS FALL, I PASSED A SMALL CAFE WHERE WE WOULD DANCE AT NIGHT AND I CAN'T HELP RECALLING HOW IT FELT TO KISS AND HOLD YOU TIGHT OH, HOW CAN I... (GROUP) AH... (JOE) FORGET YOU? WHEN THERE IS (JOE & GROUP) ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE TO REMIND ME ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE TO REMIND ME (JERRY) I WAS BORN TO LOVE YOU, (SALLY) AND I WILL NEVER BE FREE (GROUP) YOU'LL ALWAYS BE A PART OF ME...WHOA OH WHOA (BRIEF INSTRUMENTAL) (LACEY & FULL CAST) IF YOU SHOULD FIND YOU MISS THE SWEET AND TENDER LOVE WE USED TO SHARE (LACEY & JOE) JUST COME BACK TO THE PLACES WHERE WE USED TO GO, AND (FULL CAST) I'LL BE THERE (JOE, LACEY, & FULL CAST) OH, HOW CAN I FORGET YOU, GIRL? WHEN THERE IS... ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE TO REMIND ME YEAH....ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE TO REMIND ME...YEAH

(MEN) I WAS BORN TO LOVE YOU,(GROUP) AND I WILL NEVER BE FREE YOU'LL ALWAYS BE A PART OF ME, (GUYS) ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE TO REMIND ME (GIRLS) SOMETHING THERE TO REMIND ME (GUYS) ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE TO REMIND ME... "BURT & ME" FINAL 2.

(GIRLS) ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE TO REMIND ME (FULL CAST) ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE JOE Growing in the sixties and listening to the radio all the time made me develop a deep love of music...which my father tried his best to kill by making me take... lessons. And what was even worse was that I had to practice everyday at 6:00 a.m. GEORGE enters and starts pulling JOE by his ear over to the piano in the Madson home. JOE (cont’d) (reacting to the ear pulling) Ow, ow, ow, ow...Pop. GEORGE Time to get back to your practicing. GEORGE leaves. JOE addresses the audience. JOE My mother died when I was six years old and somewhere along the line my father decided that it was important that I take piano lessons. Some parents require their children to take swimming lessons. My dad apparently didn’t care if I drowned as long as I went down singing. GEORGE (from offstage) I’m not hearing any music. JOE starts playing the piano. He directs his singing off stage to his father. SONG: “I HATE PIANO” (TO THE TUNE OF CHOPSTICKS) (JOE) (JOE) (I HATE) PLAYING PIANO, AT SIX IN THE MORNING IT’S POINTLESS AND IT SERVES NO USE PLEASE CALL THE AUTHORITIES TELL THEM MY FATHER IS GUILTY OF CHILD ABUSE GEORGE re-enters carrying breakfast plates. "BURT & ME" FINAL 3.

GEORGE (cont’d) (dripping with sarcasm) No wonder “Chopsticks” is always done as an instrumental. The lyrics are so depressing. GEORGE goes over to the table to set up the plates. JOE Pop, why do I have to take piano lessons anyway? It’s not like I’m ever going to use them. GEORGE It’s good training for you. Besides, my father made me take piano lessons. JOE And if your father jumped off a 10-story building... GEORGE I would still make you take piano lessons... whether my father thought he could fly or not. JOE You’re missing my point. GEORGE No, I’m ignoring your point....there’s a difference. Now, back to practicing. GEORGE leaves. JOE slowly makes his way back to the piano in the Madson house. He sits at the piano and begins to play.

SONG: “BORED TO TEARS” (TO THE TUNE OF “FUR ELISE”) (JOE) (JOE) OH, MY GOD I’M TRULY BORED TO TEARS... GEORGE pokes his head in. GEORGE (walking out from the kitchen) Management has duly noted your dissatisfaction. Now kindly get back to practicing your real music. GEORGE leaves and JOE addresses the audience again. "BURT & ME" FINAL 4.

JOE (to audience) And that was the problem. My “real” music had no relevance for me. If I had to play the song “Fur Elise” one more time, my head was going to burst. Fortunately, one day my father came to his senses and we reached a compromise. I would continue with piano lessons but with a teacher who would allow me to play . And that is where Mrs. Bernstein, my new piano teacher, came in. MRS. BERNSTEIN enters wearing a outlandish hat. She is a quirky but fun-loving lady with boundless energy and enthusiasm. She walks right up to JOE and speaks in a thick Jewish accent. MRS. BERNSTEIN Some people think I am one chord short of a symphony, but you will grow to love me. MRS. BERNSTEIN goes over to the piano, sits down, and goes through her music. JOE (to audience) And she was right. I sure did. But the best thing she ever did was to introduce me to the music of one Burt Bacharach. And it was goodbye “Fur Elise” and hello Mr. Bacharach. MRS. BERNSTEIN smacks the piano bench with her hand to get Joe to join her at the piano. They take turns playing the notes on the piano as they sing.

“DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SAN JOSE” (JOE, MRS. BERNSTEIN) (MRS. BERNSTEIN) WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH MRS. BERNSTEIN Your turn. (JOE) WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH MRS. BERNSTEIN (cont’d) Very good. Now join me. (MRS. BERNSTEIN) DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SAN JOSE? (JOE) I’VE BEEN AWAY SO LONG "BURT & ME" FINAL 5.

I MAY GO WRONG AND LOSE MY WAY (MRS. BERNSTEIN) DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SAN JOSE? (JOE) I’M GOIN’ BACK TO FIND SOME PEACE OF MIND IN SAN JOSE (MRS. BERNSTEIN & JOE) L.A. IS A GREAT BIG FREEWAY PUT A HUNDRED DOWN AND BUY A CAR IN A WEEK, MAYBE TWO, THEY’LL MAKE YOU A STAR WEEKS TURN INTO YEARS, HOW QUICK THEY PASS AND ALL THE STARS THAT NEVER WERE ARE PARKIN’ CARS AND PUMPIN’ GAS The two enjoy a big laugh as the music underscores the dialogue. MRS. BERNSTEIN (cont’d) Great, now you keep on practicing and I will be back next week with a new song. JOE Another Bacharach one? MRS. BERNSTEIN Of course. JOE Mrs. Bernstein, do you mind if I ask you a question? MRS. BERNSTEIN Fire away. Why do you like Burt Bacharach so much? MRS. BERNSTEIN (cont’d) His music touches my ...and, if I close my eyes tightly, for one brief moment.....I can actually forget that I am married to MISTER Bernstein. MRS. BERNSTEIN leaves laughing and singing “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.” JOE And that I was hooked. While other boys my age worshipped the likes of Willie Mays, Johnny Unitas, or Wilt Chamberlain, my childhood hero was suddenly one Mr. Burt Bacharach. GEORGE enters and goes over to JOE. "BURT & ME" FINAL 6.

GEORGE How’s my budding piano player? JOE (excited) Mrs. Bernstein gave me a new piece. Want to hear it? It’s a really cool song. GEORGE Did you finish your homework? JOE (hemming and hawing) Ah.....pretty much. GEORGE Pretty much as in....”No”? What do you have left? JOE Geography. GEORGE Great, when you are finished with your geography homework, I’ll listen to your new song. GEORGE leaves. JOE (yelling to his father who is now offstage) Why do I need to study all the cities in the United States? That’s what maps are for. JOE sits down at the table to study his geography. JOE (cont’d) (reading) : state capital is Sacramento. Major cities: , San Francisco, San Jose. San Jose? A big comes over JOE’s face and he immediately looks over at the piano. He starts to mentally drift away and begins tapping his pencil as he starts to sing.

“DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SAN JOSE” (JOE, GEORGE) (JOE) WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH (A CAPPELLA) "BURT & ME" FINAL 7.

GEORGE pokes his head in and clears his throat as if to tell JOE to get back to his homework. JOE (cont’d) (shushing George and then whispering to him) Shhh...Geography. JOE turns back to his geography book and opens up the map of California. GEORGE leaves. JOE (cont’d) San Jose. Again, JOE looks over at the piano, feeling its lure. He sings again. (JOE) WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH JOE is unable to fight it any longer and jumps to the piano, leaving the geography book behind. He starts playing along with the orchestra.

(JOE) YOU CAN REALLY BREATHE IN SAN JOSE THEY’VE GOT A LOT OF SPACE THERE’LL BE A PLACE WHERE I CAN STAY GEORGE enters. JOE points to his geography book to demonstrate that the song is helping him with his geography homework.

(GEORGE) I WAS BORN AND RAISED IN SAN JOSE I’M GOIN’ BACK TO FIND SOME PEACE OF MIND IN SAN JOSE

(JOE & GEORGE) FAME AND FORTUNE IS A MAGNET IT CAN PULL YOU FAR AWAY FROM HOME (JOE) WITH A DREAM IN YOUR HEART YOU’RE NEVER ALONE (GEORGE) DREAMS TURN INTO DUST AND BLOW AWAY AND THERE YOU ARE WITHOUT A FRIEND YOU PACK YOUR CAR AND RIDE AWAY (JOE) I’VE GOT LOTS OF FRIENDS IN SAN JOSE (JOE & GEORGE) WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH (GEORGE) DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SAN JOSE? (JOE & GEORGE) WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH "BURT & ME" FINAL 8.

(BRIEF INSTRUMENTAL WITH BIT BETWEEN JOE AND GEORGE) JOE stands up. He throws GEORGE the salt & pepper shakers to play like maracas. GEORGE finally gives in and joins in on the song. (JOE) OH, L.A. IS A GREAT BIG FREEWAY (JOE & GEORGE) PUT A HUNDRED DOWN AND BUY A CAR IN A WEEK, MAYBE TWO, THEY’LL MAKE YOU A STAR WEEKS TURN INTO YEARS, HOW QUICK THEY PASS AND ALL THE STARS THAT NEVER WERE ARE PARKIN’ CARS AND PUMPIN’ GAS (JOE & GEORGE) I’VE GOT LOTS OF FRIENDS IN SAN JOSE, WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SAN JOSE? WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH CAN’T WAIT TO GET BACK TO SAN JOSE WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH WOH The lights go down as GEORGE exits and JOE finds his light while again addressing the audience. Underscore of “This Guy’s in Love with You” plays. JOE (cont’d) It was official...I was now Burt Bacharach’s biggest fan. I felt a connection from the start. I later learned that we also had one major thing in . (Pause) We both were in love with...(piano hits chord for projection) . (PROJECTION: Angie Dickinson looking away from Joe accompanied by piano chord) JOE is standing to the side of Angie’s photo as he sings.

SONG: “THIS GUY'S IN LOVE WITH YOU” (JOE) (JOE) YOU SEE THIS GUY, THIS GUY'S IN LOVE WITH YOU YES I'M IN LOVE WHO LOOKS AT YOU THE WAY I DO JOE (cont’d) Hey, I’m over here. How about a little attention? (piano hits chord for projection) "BURT & ME" FINAL 9.

The photo of Angie Dickinson flips so that she is now looking at JOE. Pause for laughter. (PROJECTION: Angie Dickinson looking toward Joe accompanied by piano chord) JOE (cont’d) Much better. Unfortunately for me, Burt beat me to the punch and married Angie Dickinson while I was left with only a poster of her as Sergeant Pepper Anderson from the television series “Police Woman”... (PROJECTION: Angie Dickinson poster from “Police Woman”) JOE (cont’d) ...which adorned the walls of my bedroom for my entire adolescence. (JOE) WHEN YOU SMILE I CAN TELL WE KNOW EACH OTHER VERY WELL HOW CAN I SHOW YOU I'M GLAD I GOT TO KNOW YOU 'CAUSE (PROJECTION: Angie Dickinson) JOE (cont’d) While I was crushed, all was not lost. Burt Bacharach had instilled in me a belief that would become a lifelong mantra from that day forward. (Pause) Musicians get women... MALE ORCHESTRA MEMBERS (standing & yelling from the pit) Yeah! JOE ...even ugly musicians. At this comment a MALE ORCHESTRA MEMBER walks out on stage and gives a menacing look to JOE and screams back at him. MALE ORCHESTRA MEMBERS Hey! JOE continues to sing “This Guy’s In Love with You” as the slide show continues. (PROJECTION: and Jerry Hall) "BURT & ME" FINAL 10.

(JOE) I'VE HEARD SOME TALK THEY SAY YOU THINK I'M FINE (PROJECTION: Lyle Lovett & )

YES I’M IN LOVE AND WHAT I'D DO TO MAKE YOU MINE TELL ME NOW (PROJECTION: Tiny Tim & Miss Vicki) IS IT SO DON'T LET ME BE THE LAST TO KNOW JOE Moreover, it wasn't just lead singers and guitarists...even piano players could get “hotties.” (PROJECTION: and Christie Brinkley) MY HANDS ARE SHAKIN' DON'T LET MY HEART KEEP BREAKING 'CAUSE (PROJECTION: & some hottie) I NEED YOUR LOVE, (PROJECTION: Yanni & ) I WANT YOUR LOVE (PROJECTION: & Partner.) SAY YOU'RE IN LOVE IN LOVE WITH THIS GUY, JOE (cont’d) (to audience) Well, you get my point. (Projection: Burt Bacharach 1)

IF NOT...I'LL JUST DIE JOE (cont’d) (to audience) Now don’t get me wrong. Even though I no longer minded practicing the piano, I never got used to waking up at that crazy hour to practice. (MORE) "BURT & ME" FINAL 11. JOE (cont’d) To this day there is absolutely nothing or no one who can wake me up at 6:00 in the morning. (PROJECTION: Return to shot of Angie Dickinson accompanied by piano chord) Well….almost no one. (Pause as music finishes here) (Projection: Basketball court) JOE (cont’d) (continuing to the audience) It could have been worse. At least I got to play basketball after school every day...even though I would fall asleep halfway through the game from getting up at 6:00 in the morning. This regimen would continue all the way through my high school years. JERRY enters with a basketball in hand. JERRY Hurry up. The courts will fill up. JOE I’ll be along in a bit. JERRY Do you think I should play college ball or jump right to the NBA? JOE Wouldn’t it have helped if you had actually made your high school team first? JERRY That coach is an idiot. Once I hit my growth spurt, he will come crawling back. JOE What growth spurt? JERRY I’ve been eating vegetables ever since I was . JOE And the connection there would be? JERRY Any day now, I’m going to shoot up like a skyscraper. "BURT & ME" FINAL 12.

JOE Because of the vegetables. JERRY Yep. JOE And to think Napoleon was only a carrot away from avoiding his own complex. JERRY Come on, let’s go. JOE I’ll meet you there. I want to work on a new song and then I’ll be down afterwards. JERRY Whoa...let me get this straight. You are trading in basketball for piano? JOE I am not trading in anything. I am DELAYING basketball for piano. It’s not like the two things are mutually exclusive. JERRY Oh, I beg to differ. Name me one NBA basketball player who also plays the piano. JOE How would I even know that? JERRY See, you can’t even name one. I rest my case. JERRY starts to leave. He stops for one more comment. JERRY (cont’d) Basketball...hot chicks asking for your autograph and throwing themselves at you. Piano...champagne bubbles, , and blue-haired ladies drooling all over your white shoes. Your choice, my friend...but you’re charting dangerous waters. JERRY leaves. JOE Jerry Landes’ brain is where intelligent thoughts went to die a slow torturous death. If Mrs. Bernstein described herself as “one chord short of a symphony,” then Jerry was missing the entire string section. (MORE) "BURT & ME" FINAL 13. JOE (cont'd) But he was my best friend, and it wasn’t exactly like I was on the fast track to valedictorian myself. JOE crosses to his home. JOE (cont’d) We attended a very large Catholic high school: St. Peter’s. There were 1000 students in our class. That was in its heyday. The numbers have declined sharply ever since. Several years ago it was forced to merge with St. Paul’s High School three towns over. So, my alma mater became St. Peter & Paul High School. When it merged again three years later with St. Mary’s Academy for Girls...(Pause) (PROJECTION: Peter, Paul, & Mary in halos) We were convinced that the school fight song would soon be changed to “Puff the Magic Dragon.” (PROJECTION: School exterior) GIRLS and BOYS enter the school yards with the boys on one side and the girls on the other. When I was a student at St. Peter’s, it was what they used to call a co-institutional high school. Translation: boys on one side of the school and girls on the other and never the two shall meet..except during lunchtime..and only when the temperature was 32 degrees or below. And to make sure of that, the Immaculate Heart nuns used to stand guard with machine guns at the line of demarcation. JERRY enters and walks up to JOE. The ENSEMBLE guys join them. JERRY You going to talk to the girls? JOE Is it cold enough? JERRY I was just about to check. (PROJECTION: Thermometer) "BURT & ME" FINAL 14.

He looks at the thermometer and expresses his disgust at what he finds. JERRY (cont’d) Argh...34 degrees. You do know why they only let us go over to the girls’ side when it is under 32 degrees. JOE Are you saying that there is a method to their madness? JERRY Absolutely. Sub-freezing weather requires layers and layers of clothing. If the uniform didn’t already quell your dirty little thoughts, the winter coat, paired with the extreme cold, makes this little mingling opportunity virtually... JERRY & JOE (simultaneously to the audience) ...erection-proof. The lights come up to reveal LACEY and SALLY in uniforms with big heavy wool coats over them. They are on the other side of the stage. LACEY What’s the temperature? SALLY 34 degrees. LACEY Darn! SALLY spots JOE and JERRY across the stage. SALLY Oh my god, I’m in love. LACEY (looking over at the boys) Which one? SALLY Not sure yet. "BURT & ME" FINAL 15.

LACEY How can you be in love if you don’t even know who the object of your affection is? SALLY Hey, I don’t need to know what’s for dinner in order to be hungry. LACEY Does that actually make sense to you? SALLY Sadly so. JOE walks over to JERRY. JOE What’s the temperature? JERRY (staring at the thermometer) 33 degrees. JOE Keep your fingers crossed. Both the boys and girls sing this song to the weather thermometer in the beginning. It then becomes a long-distance lust fest as they admire from afar. A nun patrols the schoolyard midway through the song. SONG: WISHIN’ AND HOPIN’ LACEY (SALLY & FEMALE ENSEMBLE) WISHING (WISHING) AND HOPING (HOPING) AND THINKING (THINKING) AND PRAYING (PRAYING), PLANNING (PLANNING) AND DREAMING (DREAMING) EACH NIGHT OF HIS CHARMS (NIGHT OF HIS CHARMS) THAT WON'T GET YOU INTO HIS ARMS (INTO HIS ARMS) SO IF YOU'RE (OOH) LOOKING TO FIND LOVE(LOOKING TO FIND LOVE) YOU CAN SHARE (YOU CAN SHARE) ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS (OOH) HOLD HIM AND KISS HIM, AND LOVE HIM AND SHOW HIM THAT YOU CARE (SHOW HIM THAT YOU CARE) SALLY, LACEY (FEMALE ENSEMBLE) SHOW HIM THAT YOU CARE (SHOW HIM THAT YOU CARE) JUST FOR HIM (GROUP) DO THE THINGS (GIRLS) HE LIKES TO DO (HE LIKES TO DO) WEAR YOUR HAIR (WEAR YOUR HAIR) JUST FOR HIM (JUST FOR HIM) ‘CAUSE...YOU WON'T GET HIM, THINKING AND A PRAYING (GROUP) WISHING AND A HOPING...WISHING AND A HOPING) "BURT & ME" FINAL 16.

(GROUP ‘CAUSE WISHING AND HOPING AND THINKING AND PRAYING PLANNING AND DREAMING HIS KISSES WILL START (HER KISSES WILL START) THAT WON'T GET YOU INTO HIS HEART.. (INTO HER HEART). SO IF YOU’RE THINKING HOW GREAT (THINKING HOW GREAT) TRUE LOVE IS (TRUE LOVE IS) At this point the NUN enters and interrupts this mingling opportunity.

(JOE: A CAPPELLA) ALL YOU GOTTA DO..... (GIRLS) IS HOLD HIM AND KISS HIM (HOLD HER, KISS HER) AND SQUEEZE HIM AND LOVE HIM (SQUEEZE HER, ) (GROUP) JUST DO IT AND AFTER YOU DO (GIRLS) YOU WILL BE HIS (BAH, BAH, BAH, BAH, BAH, BAH) YOU WILL BE HIS (BAH, BAH, BAH, BAH, BAH, BAH) YOU..WILL..BE..(GROUP) (BAH, DUP, BAH, OOO, OOO, AH) The NUN exits. The group turns to look at the thermometer. JERRY, JOE, LACEY, SALLY (together) 32 degrees! JERRY throws the ball over to the girls’ side. LACEY retrieves it. JERRY Let’s go. JOE starts to walk over very fast. JERRY pulls him back. JERRY (cont’d) Don’t walk so fast. Girls like the type of guy who walks slow and with a sense of purpose. JOE tries to slow down his walk and add a little bravado to it. However, he is going way too slow. JERRY (cont’d) Not THAT slow! JERRY pushes JOE into LACEY at center stage. As she hands him the ball, the lights focus on the two of them. "BURT & ME" FINAL 17.

We hear an incidental chord and LACEY freezes while looking at JOE. JOE (to audience) And that is where I met the first girl who could make me forget about Angie Dickinson. Her name was Lacey Turner. I am not even going to lie to you. Even her name, “Lacey,’ turned me on. In fact this girl was to be the subject of many discussions that I had with countless priests over the next few years and the conversations always seemed to start with the words, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned...” After the monologue, JOE turns back to LACEY and puts his hands back on the basketball. He struggles mightily to find the right words to say. He looks back at JERRY who encourages him with hand gestures. JERRY Come on. Say something, man! JOE (posturing for a long time) Hey. LACEY (pausing to see if he is going to say anything else) Wow, you sure know how to break the ice with a girl, don’t you. JOE (sarcastically) It’s a gift. LACEY So, Mr. Smooth-talker, what’s your name? JOE Joe. And you? LACEY Lacey. JOE Cool name. LACEY Thanks. "BURT & ME" FINAL 18.

JOE Would you like to have ah...ah...ah... LACEY Seat? JOE I would love one. JOE takes a seat on the bench, then realizes that he should let LACEY sit first. He jumps back up until LACEY sits on the bench. JOE (cont’d) (starting to sit) Hey, I like your earrings. LACEY I don’t have earrings on, it’s a birthmark. JOE (thoroughly embarrassed, he gets back up and leaves) Great. I’ll just be moving along now. JOE walks away from Lacey, not knowing what to say next. He goes back to Jerry. JERRY (to Joe) Watch and learn. JERRY leaves JOE and walks up to SALLY. JERRY (cont’d) So, little lady, you remind me of my last speeding ticket. SALLY I’ll probably regret this, but what’s the punch line? JERRY (proud of himself) Because you have “fine” written all over you. SALLY I would love to stay and talk, but I would love to leave even more. Bye. "BURT & ME" FINAL 19.

SALLY leaves in a hurry leaving JERRY all by himself. JOE walks up to him. JOE You do know that you could fit what the two of us know about women on the head of a pin. JERRY Speak for yourself. I was making some serious progress with that little honey. JOE I’ll bet. JERRY She’s just playing hard-to-get. It is all about the seduction process. Some guys got it...and some guys don’t. JOE And I take it that you have it. JERRY In spades, my friend. It’s all in the eyes. JERRY, LACEY, SALLY, & ENSEMBLE sing and dance to the song. It becomes this awkward teenage seduction dance. JERRY starts things off and the male ensemble follow his lead. The guys get laughs by taking “awkward” to a new level. They are constantly making the motion of “I’ve got my eye on you.” The girls realize it would be great fun to play along. SONG: THE LOOK OF LOVE JERRY, JOE, & MALE ENSEMBLE (LACEY, SALLY, & FEMALE ENSEMBLE) (JERRY) THE LOOK OF LOVE IS IN YOUR EYES A LOOK THAT TIME CAN'T DISGUISE GUYS (GIRLS) THE LOOK (THE LOOK) OF LOVE (THE LOOK OF LOVE) IS SAYING SO MUCH MORE THAN JUST WORDS COULD EVER SAY (WORDS COULD EVER SAY) AND WHAT MY HEART HAS HEARD (TAKES MY BREATH AWAY) WELL IT TAKES MY BREATH AWAY (I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO HOLD YOU) I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO HOLD YOU (AND FEEL) FEEL (MY ARMS AROUND YOU) MY ARMS AROUND YOU HOW LONG I HAVE WAITED "BURT & ME" FINAL 20.

WAITED (HOW LONG I HAVE WAITED) JUST TO LOVE YOU NOW THAT I HAVE FOUND YOU (JUST TO LOVE) LACEY, SALLY, & FEMALE ENSEMBLE THE LOOK OF LOVE IT'S ON YOUR FACE A LOOK THAT TIME CAN'T ERASE GIRLS (GUYS) BE MINE (BE MINE) TONIGHT (TONIGHT) (GROUP) LET THIS BE JUST THE START OF SO MANY NIGHTS LIKE THIS (GUYS) LET'S TAKE A LOVER'S VOW AND THEN IT WITH A KISS When the girls are paying attention to JERRY and the other guys, they respond. JERRY (cont’d) (to girls) Oh, yeah...now that’s what I’m talking about. (JERRY) I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO HOLD YOU FEEL MY ARMS AROUND YOU HOW LONG I HAVE WAITED WAITED JUST TO LOVE YOU NOW THAT I HAVE FOUND YOU

JERRY (ENSEMBLE) DON'T EVER GO (DON’T EVER GO) DON'T EVER GO (DON’T EVER GO) I LOVE YOU SO At the end of the song, the guys are all feeling pretty good about themselves. LACEY comes over to JERRY & JOE. LACEY (to Jerry) So, Mr. Cassanova, why don’t you come to Blue Haze rehearsal after school today? And bring your friend. They are always looking for guys to join the group. JOE (to Lacey) What’s the Blue Haze? LACEY It’s the high school choral group. "BURT & ME" FINAL 21.

JERRY Yeah, that ain’t happening. (to Sally) You in this Blue Haze group? SALLY Not my thing! JERRY Not mine either. (sensing an opportunity) Wow, we apparently have a lot in common. SALLY ignores JERRY’s little come- on. JOE (to Lacey) So tell me more about this Blue Haze. LACEY Have you ever heard of the group “Up With People”? JOE Yeah. LACEY Blue Haze is kinda like that...lots of singing and dancing. JERRY Yeah, well we’re basketball players. JOE (interrupting) Who love to sing and dance. JERRY Say what? LACEY Maybe you could join our group. JERRY Are you crazy? JOE Ah, Jerry, could I talk to you for a second? JOE pulls JERRY aside. JOE (cont’d) Jerry, basketball....ugly sweaty men. Singing and dancing...pretty sweet-smelling women. No brainer. "BURT & ME" FINAL 22.

JERRY Not for me, little buddy. This is how it all gets started. JOE How what gets started? JERRY It starts with singing and dancing...next thing you know you’re sipping drinks with umbrellas in them and wearing a speedo. I’m sticking with basketball. You’re on your own on this one. JOE and JERRY return to LACEY and SALLY. LACEY Well? Will you two be joining us? JERRY (staring at Sally) Not my thing. LACEY (to Joe) What about you? JOE (thinking for a second and then singing the scales) La, la, la, la, la, la, la. LACEY Great, I’ll see you at the choral room next to the library right after school? JOE You bet. At this point, LACEY snaps her fingers and points at JOE with her index finger. This becomes their signature move. LACEY Bye. JOE snaps his fingers and points right back at LACEY with his index finger as she leaves. JOE Bye. "BURT & ME" FINAL 23.

LACEY leaves. SALLY starts to exit and tries to avoid JERRY in the process but he comes up to her. JERRY (to Sally) Later, sweet thing. (He growls like a lion.) SALLY exits totally disgusted. JERRY (cont’d) (to Joe) Have fun singing, show boy. (making hands) I’ll be on the basketball court playing with the MEN. As soon as JERRY says this last line, he realizes that it sounded incriminating and makes a face. There is a pause while JERRY’s face registers with the audience. JERRY (cont’d) Whoa, that didn’t come out like I planned. But you know what I meant. JERRY leaves and JOE addresses the audience. JOE (to audience) I know...you’re wondering if I could sing. The answer is simple. I had absolutely no idea. But, I wasn’t a moron. I wasn’t going to pass up a chance to hang out with someone like Lacey Turner. (PROJECTION: Black board with “Blue Haze Rehearsal Today” written on it.) The lights come up. LACEY is pushing Sally onto the stage. She is less than thrilled to be there. SALLY Please don’t make me come back. LACEY You know you like it. Besides, Joe is coming today and I need you for moral support. Lacey spots Joe as he enters the stage. "BURT & ME" FINAL 24.

He is pushing an equally reluctant JERRY onto the stage. Spotting Sally, Jerry’s mood changes for the better as he sees an opportunity to further pursue Sally. LACEY (cont’d) Hi, Joe. Hi, Jerry. Let me take your coats. JOE (handing Lacey his coat) Thanks. JERRY I’ll keep mine. I don’t plan on staying long. LACEY turns away from JOE and bumps into FR. DEJOSEPH. LACEY is surprised and screams. FR. DEJOSEPH Hello, Lacey. LACEY Hello, Father. LACEY takes Joe’s coat offstage. FR. DEJOSEPH freezes. JOE The choral director was a stern old priest by the name of Father DeJoseph. He ran a tight ship and most of the students were scared stiff of him. LACEY reenters to help introduce JOE and JERRY to FR. DEJOSEPH. FATHER DEJOSEPH And just whom do we have here? LACEY Father, this is Joe Madson. I talked him into checking us out. FATHER DEJOSEPH And this gentleman? LACEY This is Jerry, Father. FATHER DEJOSEPH And does this Jerry have a last name? "BURT & ME" FINAL 25.

JERRY Yeah. Mud...if anybody sees me here. FATHER DEJOSEPH (shaking their hand) Nice to meet you, Mr. Madson & Mr....Mud. Now, let’s get started. JOE Oh, no, Father. We’re just here to observe. FATHER DEJOSEPH Nice try. Now go on over with the others and sing away. Fearing this man, they both follow orders. JERRY spots Sally and immediately goes over to her. She registers her frustration. JERRY I thought you said that this wasn’t your thing. SALLY It’s not. JERRY And yet...you’re here. SALLY And so are you. JERRY Sounds like FATE to me. SALLY Sounds like just my luck. NERD GIRL enters and is smitten with JOE. NERD BOY enters and is thrilled to have new members of the group. ENSEMBLE members also join this group. Confused, JOE walks over to the others and sings with them. JERRY spends the rest of the time trying to impress SALLY. JOE (to audience) The next thing I knew I was standing next to Lacey singing some geeky song called... "BURT & ME" FINAL 26.

JOE joins the others in singing the first line of “This Land Is Your Land.” He is clearly uncomfortable. Father DeJoseph directs them.

SONG: THIS LAND IS YOUR LAND (JOE, LACEY, NERDY BOY, NERDY GIRL, FR. DEJOSEPH) (GROUP) THIS LAND IS YOUR LAND, THIS LAND IS MY LAND JOE breaks ranks to address the audience while the other singers mimic singing the rest of the song “This Land Is Your Land.” JOE (cont’d) (to audience) I was starting to question if any girl was worth this kind of humiliation. JOE (cont’d) Then, as fate would have it, the big guy upstairs threw a sign my way. Father DeJoseph pulled the plug on “This Land is Your Land” and switched to something much more to my liking. It was a medley of songs by none-other-than... JOE gestures to the audience to fill in the blank. When they all guess “Burt Bacharach,” he continues. JOE (cont’d) . (Pause) Just kidding....Burt Bacharach. Needless to say, I knew these songs inside out because I had played them for Mrs. Bernstein a million times. Suddenly, a boy who was too timid to sing “This Land is Your Land,” was belting out Bacharach songs with confidence and even a little swagger. FATHER DEJOSEPH Don’t forget the movements as you are singing. JOE (panicking) Movements? FATHER DEJOSEPH And remember, if you’re not having fun, neither is the audience. "BURT & ME" FINAL 27.

SONG: BACHARACH MEDLEY (YOU’LL NEVER GET TO HEAVEN, DON’T MAKE ME OVER, WALK ON BY) ------(NERDY GIRL, JOE, LACEY, NERDY BOY, FR. DEJOSEPH, & ENSEMBLE) There is simple movement in the sixties Supremes’ style that JOE struggles to pick up throughout the course of the song. JOE is consistently one step behind on all the movements. (GROUP) OOO, YOU’LL NEVER GET TO HEAVEN IF YOU BREAK MY HEART...OH NO GIRLS (GUYS) MOTHER TOLD ME ALWAYS TO FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULE. (DO DO DO WAH) AND SHE SAID IT'S REALLY A SIN TO BE MEAN AND CRUEL. (DO DO DO WAH) SO REMEMBER IF YOU'RE UNTRUE (AH...) ANGELS UP IN HEAVEN ARE LOOKING AT YOU. (AH...OH YOU WILL) (GROUP) YOU'LL NEVER GET TO HEAVEN IF YOU BREAK MY HEART. SO BE VERY CAREFUL NOT TO MAKE US PART. YOU WON'T GET TO HEAVEN IF YOU BREAK MY HEART..OH NO GUYS (GIRLS) I CAN HARDLY WAIT FOR THE DAY WHEN WE SAY I DO. (WHEN WE SAY I DO) IT'S A DAY I DREAMED OF SO LONG NOW IT’S COMIN' TRUE. (OH YOU WILL) YOU WILL PROMISE TO CHERISH ME. (AH...) IF YOU BREAK YOUR PROMISE THE ANGELS WILL SEE. (AH...OH YOU WILL) (GROUP) OH YOU WILL NEVER GET TO HEAVEN IF YOU BREAK MY HEART. SO BE VERY CAREFUL NOT TO MAKE US PART. YOU WON'T GET TO HEAVEN IF YOU BREAK MY HEART (BREAK MY HEART) (GROUP) OH NO ------(JOE, LACEY, NERDY BOY, NERDY GIRL, FR. DEJOSEPH, & ENSEMBLE) GIRLS (GUYS) DON'T MAKE ME OVER (OOO, OOO) NOW THAT I (GROUP) CAN’T MAKE IT WITHOUT YOU GIRLS (GUYS) DON'T MAKE ME OVER (OOO, OOO) I WOULDN’T (GROUP) CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOU (GIRLS) DON'T PICK ON THE THINGS I SAY, (GUYS) THE THINGS I DO (GROUP) JUST LOVE ME WITH ALL MY FAULTS, THE WAY THAT I LOVE YOU (GROUP) I'M BEGGING YOU "BURT & ME" FINAL 28.

The song progresses with actual choreography that JOE obviously doesn’t know. Therefore, LACEY, NERDY GIRL, and NERDY BOY help teach him the choreography, often pushing him to his spot.

(GROUP) DON'T MAKE ME OVER (OOO) DON'T MAKE ME OVER (OOO) (GIRLS) NOW THAT YOU'VE GOT ME AT YOUR COMMAND At this point, JOE starts to feel too comfortable and starts to wail away on the part as a breakaway solo. (JOE) ACCEPT ME FOR WHAT I AM ACCEPT ME FOR THE THINGS THAT I DO ACCEPT ME FOR WHAT I AM YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,... JOE recognizes that everyone is looking at him and stops dead in his tracks. NERDY BOY loves what Joe has done and yells out. NERDY BOY Yes! FR. DEJOSEPH looks at the nerdy boy sternly before addressing Joe. JOE I am so sorry about that. FATHER DEJOSEPH Are you kidding? That tenor voice is just what this group needs. Congratulations. You and Mr. Mud are the newest member of the Blue Haze. JOE & JERRY But. Father... FATHER DEJOSEPH But nothing.....it’s official. JERRY gives JOE a menacing look. NERDY BOY and NERDY GIRL bring over the geeky Blue Haze vests and put them on JOE and JERRY. "BURT & ME" FINAL 29.

NERDY GIRL (Putting the vest on Joe) Arm...other arm. NERDY BOY & NERDY GIRL Now you’re one of us! JOE and JERRY look at each other as if to say, “What have we gotten ourselves into?” FATHER DEJOSEPH Lacey & Sally, if you would kindly teach our newest members the cha-cha... JOE Cha-cha? NERDY GIRL and NERDY BOY become ecstatic over hearing the word “cha-cha.” JOE (cont’d) (to Lacey) What in the world is a “cha-cha”? LACEY begins to teach JOE the cha- cha. They start out alone but are quickly joined by NERDY BOY, NERDY GIRL, and ENSEMBLE. LACEY Just follow my lead. One-two-cha-cha-cha. One- two-cha-cha-cha. JOE gives it a try. JOE One-two-cha-cha-cha. One-two-cha-cha-cha. LACEY Face me. Look at me...(lifting up his chin) look at me.

SONG: WALK ON BY LACEY, NERDY GIRL, FEMALE ENSEMBLE (JOE, NERDY BOY, FR. DEJOSEPH, MALE ENSEMBLE) IF YOU SEE ME WALKING DOWN THE STREET AND I START TO CRY EACH TIME WE MEET WALK ON BY, (BOP, BOP, BOP, BOP, BOP, BOP) WALK ON BY (BOP BOP BOP BOP) "BURT & ME" FINAL 30.

(GROUP) MAKE BELIEVE (GIRLS) THAT YOU DON'T SEE THE TEARS JUST LET ME GRIEVE IN PRIVATE 'CAUSE EACH TIME I SEE YOU I BREAK DOWN AND CRY (DON’T STOP) AND WALK ON BY (DON'T STOP) WALK ON BY (DON'T STOP) (FATHER DEJOSEPH) WALK ON BY (GROUP) I JUST CAN'T GET OVER LOSING YOU AND SO IF I SEEM BROKEN AND BLUE (GUYS) WALK ON BY (BOP, BOP, BOP, BOP, BOP, BOP) (GUYS) WALK ON BY (BOP BOP BOP BOP) (GROUP) FOOLISH PRIDE GUYS (GIRLS) (GUYS) IS ALL THAT I HAVE LEFT (OOO) SO (GROUP) LET ME HIDE (GUYS) THE TEARS AND THE SADNESS YOU GAVE ME (OOO) WHEN YOU SAID GOODBYE (OOO) WALK ON BY (DON'T STOP) (GIRLS) AND WALK ON BY (DON'T STOP) (GROUP) AND WALK BY BRIEF INSTRUMENTAL (GIRLS) WALK ON BY, (BOP, BOP, BOP, BOP, BOP, BOP) WALK ON BY (BOP BOP BOP BOP) (GROUP) FOOLISH PRIDE (GIRLS) IS ALL THAT I HAVE LEFT...SO... (GROUP) LET ME HIDE (GIRLS) THE TEARS AND THE SADNESS YOU GAVE ME (OOO) WHEN YOU SAID GOODBYE (OOO) WALK ON BY (DON'T STOP) AND WALK ON BY (DON'T STOP) (GROUP) WALK ON BY DON’T STOP FATHER DEJOSEPH Good rehearsal. You are all dismissed. SALLY Thank God! SALLY immediately leaves and JERRY follows after her. NERDY BOY leaves. NERDY GIRL walks up to LACEY and gives her a very enthusiastic hug. She then turns to JOE, bows to him, and leaves. LACEY goes up to JOE. (PROJECTION: Burt Bacharach 1) "BURT & ME" FINAL 31.

LACEY (to Joe) You were wonderful. JOE (to Lacey) That was actually kind of fun. LACEY Don’t you just love Burt Bacharach? The keyboard plays the incidental chord to freeze time. JOE (slowly turning to the audience) I know! (PAUSE) And just when I thought it couldn’t get any better...it did. LACEY My uncle has season tickets to the Sixers games. I know you like basketball, so I was wondering if you might want to come to the game with me this Saturday night? The keyboard again plays the incidental chord to freeze time. JOE (slowly turning to the audience again) I know! JOE (cont’d) (turning back to Lacey and trying to be cool) Let me see if I can free up my calendar. (taking out his calendar book, opening it, but not even looking at it) Yep, I can. LACEY Great, I’ll see you Saturday. LACEY leaves, giving JOE their signature “snap and point” hand gesture. JOE reciprocates and then sings.

SONG: SHE LIKES BASKETBALL (JOE) (JOE) SHE LIKES... Basketball drops into his hands from the ceiling, orchestra pit, or wing. "BURT & ME" FINAL 32.

BASKETBALL, HOW ABOUT THAT WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON TO TALK ABOUT…BASKETBALL SHE LIKES BASKETBALL, HOW ABOUT THAT I HAVE SOME PLACE TO TAKE HER WHEN WE GO OUT…BASKETBALL GEORGE comes onstage with the laundry basket containing Joe’s Sixer’s sweatshirt. JOE shoots the basketball in the laundry basket. GEORGE helps JOE put on the sweatshirt and sends him on his way. WHO EVER WOULD HAVE DREAMED, EVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT MY FAVORITE GIRL LIKED MY FAVORITE SPORT LIKE ANY OTHER KID, I WOULD MAKE BELIEVE WITH A BALL IN MY HAND I'D DRIBBLE RIGHT PAST ALL THE OTHERS REAL FAST AND I’D BE 6 FOOT 8 AND MY JUMP SHOT WAS REALLY GREAT (PROJECTION: Basketball crowd) LACEY meets JOE at the game. The two sit together in the stands at the game. They are joined by ENSEMBLE members. WHO EVER WOULD HAVE DREAMED, EVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT MY FAVORITE GIRL LIKED MY FAVORITE SPORT LIKE ANY OTHER KID, I WOULD MAKE BELIEVE WITH A BALL IN MY HAND I'D DRIBBLE RIGHT PAST ALL THE OTHERS REAL FAST AND I'D BE 6 FOOT 8 AND MY JUMP SHOT WAS REALLY GREAT LACEY jumps to her feet and screams at the referee. LACEY (cont’d) (at the top of her lungs) Call the foul, ref!!!!!!!! At this point JOE slowly turns to the audience with this huge smile as if to say, “Wow, she really does knows basketball.” He then resumes singing. Ensemble in seats join in the song. LACEY (cont’d) (embarrassed) Sorry. SHE...LIKES...BASKETBALL, ISN'T THAT WILD IT'S AN OMEN THAT GOOD THINGS ARE ON THEIR WAY… "BURT & ME" FINAL 33.

THINGS TO SHARE WE SHARE BASKETBALL, COULDN'T YOU DIE FROM A SIMPLE BEGINNING LIKE THIS, WE MAY GET SOMEWHERE LACEY leaves. JOE stand to say goodbye and then returns to the stands with his new friends.

IT'S NICE TO DREAM…SOMEDAY IT MIGHT BE…..BASKETBALL AND ME (Projection: Burt Bacharach 1) JOE (to audience) Here the girl of my dreams liked Burt Bacharach AND basketball. If I’d had a diamond ring I would have asked her to marry me right then and there. With each Blue Haze rehearsal I grew more in love with performing...and also more infatuated with Lacey. Much to my utter amazement, music had suddenly replaced basketball as the focus of my life. One day Father DeJoseph surprised the members of Blue Haze with a trip to Broadway to see a show called “Promises Promises”... (PROJECTION: Promises Promises Marquee 1) with music by none other than? JOE encourages the audience to answer. He waits for them to yell “Burt Bacharach.” When they do, he responds. JOE (cont'd) You got it that time. I was beside myself. The show was fantastic. It featured Jerry Orbach and he even won a Tony Award for his performance. I’ll never forget him singing the title song to the show. JOE sings the first verse as we transition back to JOE’s home.

SONG: PROMISES PROMISES (JOE) PROMISES, PROMISES I'M ALL THROUGH WITH PROMISES, PROMISES NOW I DON'T KNOW HOW I GOT THE NERVE TO WALK OUT "BURT & ME" FINAL 34.

IF I SHOUT, REMEMBER I FEEL FREE NOW I CAN LOOK AT MYSELF AND BE PROUD I'M LAUGHING OUT LOUD JOE (cont’d) (to audience) “Promises Promises” instantly became my favorite show. When we returned home from New York, I talked about it nonstop. (Projection: Burt Bacharach 1) GEORGE enters. JOE (cont’d) (to George) Pop, you have to see this show. It was written by and features the music of Burt Bacharach and Hal David. GEORGE I know this Neil Simon writes plays, but Burt Bacharach writes musicals? JOE He’s only the greatest of our times. GEORGE Says who? JOE Says me...and Mrs. Bernstein. GEORGE You don’t say. Well, then maybe I will just need to go up to and check it out for myself. Care to join me? JOE Are you serious? GEORGE Yes. This sounds too good to pass up. Besides I haven’t been back to New York since your mother passed away. GEORGE leaves. JOE (to audience) My dad was a simple man. He didn’t go anywhere without his beloved Jeff cap and he wore it at all times...even indoors, which I am told infuriated my mother. (MORE) "BURT & ME" FINAL 35. JOE (cont'd) I don’t think shows were really his thing; Pop loved his sports. But if his boy wanted to see a Broadway show with his father, he was not going to let the opportunity slip through his fingers. It might mean having to put in some overtime at his job, but he would make it happen. GEORGE returns and brings JOE a coat. As he puts it on, JOE speaks over the underscored version of this song. GEORGE New York City...here we come. (PROJECTION: NYC 1) JOE and GEORGE join in the New York moment. SONG: TURKEY LURKEY TIME (JOE, GEORGE, & ENSEMBLE) IT'S TURKEY LURKEY TIME TOM TURKEY RAN AWAY, BUT HE JUST CAME HOME IT'S TURKEY LURKEY TIME HE'S REALLY HOME TO STAY, NEVER ONE TO ROAM

LET'S MAKE A WISH, AND MAY ALL OUR WISHES COME TRUE...... A SNOWY, BLOWY CHRISTMAS, A MISTLETOEY CHRISTMAS A TURKEY LURKEY CHRISTMAS TO YOU... A TURKEY LURKEY CHRISTMAS TO YOU (PROJECTION: NYC 2)

IT'S LOOSEY GOOSEY TIME SHE WAS A GADABOUT, BUT SHE'S BACK AGAIN IT'S LOOSEY GOOSEY TIME HER TIME IS RUNNING OUT, AND WE ALL KNOW WHEN LET'S MAKE A WISH, AND MAY ALL OUR WISHES COME TRUE.... A SNOWY, BLOWY CHRISTMAS, A MISTLETOEY CHRISTMAS A LOOSEY GOOSEY CHRISTMAS TO YOU... A LOOSEY GOOSEY CHRISTMAS TO YOU

TURKEY LURKEY, LOOSEY GOOSEY SOME FOR UNCLE JOE, SOME FOR COUSIN LUCY EVERYBODY GATHER ROUND THE TABLE IN, DINNER IS BEING SERVED EAT ALL THE TURKEY YOU ARE ABLE CAN'T YOU SEE A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE? CLIMB UP AND BRING IT DOWN FOR ME THAT'S SOMETHING I WOULD LIKE TO SEE "BURT & ME" FINAL 36.

(PROJECTION: Lit Christmas tree) INSTRUMENTAL A SNOWY, BLOWY CHRISTMAS, A MISTLETOEY CHRISTMAS TALKIN’ ABOUT A CHRISTMAS TO YOU...YOU...YOU...YOU JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS (8X’S) DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT

(PROJECTION: Promises Promise Marquee 2) on the last note of the song. ENSEMBLE leaves. JOE turns to GEORGE. JOE Well, what did you think? GEORGE I think my son has good taste. GEORGE leaves. JOE (to audience) My father LOVED Promises Promises and the song “Turkey Lurkey Time” always reminded us of Christmas and that wonderful day together in New York City. Every year after that I would call my dad up on the Friday after Thanksgiving to play it over the phone so it would be the very first song of the holiday season that he would hear. (Projection: Burt Bacharach 1) JOE (cont’d) Back at St. Peter’s it was senior prom time and I was desperately trying to muster up the courage to ask Lacey. Jerry had already marked his territory. JERRY enters JOE’s bedroom and goes up to JOE, who has made his way to his bedroom. JERRY I think where Sally is concerned, the ice is starting to melt. JOE And what makes you say that? "BURT & ME" FINAL 37.

JERRY When I walk up to her, she no longer spits on me. JOE Wow, that IS progress. Lights come up on LACEY and SALLY in LACEY’S bedroom SALLY Did Joe ask you to the prom yet? LACEY Not yet. SALLY You know he will. LACEY No, I do not know that. SALLY Then you ask him. LACEY I don’t want to appear desperate. SALLY Think of it as liberated rather than desperate. LACEY What about you? Are you going? SALLY I was asked. LACEY Jerry? SALLY Yep. He walked up in his usual debonair manner and said, “You...me...prom.” (She imitates his roaring like a lion.) And then walked away before I could say “Hell, no.” I half expected him to hit me over the head with a club and drag me away. LACEY But you ARE going. SALLY Not with him I’m not. "BURT & ME" FINAL 38.

LACEY Oh, yes you are. SALLY Oh, I am, am I? LACEY Yes. Because you owe me. SALLY How’s that? LACEY I have two words for you. “Haskell Fletcher.” SALLY Ewwwwww! LACEY Exactly. And that “ewwwwww” was my date to the junior prom...so that YOU could go with his best friend, Robert Haven. Payback time. SALLY Haskell Fletcher....all of a sudden Jerry is looking a little better to me. Underscore to “I Say A Little Prayer” starts. LACEY What am I saying? Going to the prom is not even all that important. SALLY Yeah, it’s not like you really care about Joe. LACEY Exactly. SALLY I mean you only spend each waking moment thinking about the guy. LACEY Is it that obvious? SALLY Only on the outside. LACEY He does tend to occupy my thoughts quite a bit. "BURT & ME" FINAL 39.

SONG: I SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU LACEY (SALLY) THE MOMENT I WAKE UP BEFORE I PUT ON MY MAKEUP (MAKE-UP) (BOTH)I SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU (LACEY) WHILE COMBING MY HAIR NOW, AND WONDERING WHAT DRESS TO WEAR NOW, (WEAR NOW) (BOTH) I SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU (BOTH) FOREVER, AND EVER, YOU'LL STAY IN MY HEART AND I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER, AND EVER, WE NEVER WILL PART OH, HOW I LOVE YOU TOGETHER, FOREVER, THAT'S HOW IT MUST BE TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU WOULD ONLY MEAN HEARTBREAK FOR ME. The lights come up on the other side of the stage to reveal JERRY and JOE. JERRY So, are you going to ask Lacey to the senior prom? JOE I’d like to. JERRY Then what’s holding you back? JOE What if she says no? JERRY She’s crazy about you. JOE How do you know? JERRY I can see it in her eyes. JOE Yeah? Well, I don’t trust YOUR eyes to read hers. JERRY Then let me help. I will give you the Jerry Landes crash course in getting a girl to say “yes.” JOE I can’t wait to hear this. "BURT & ME" FINAL 40.

JERRY You give them the old “jab jab punch.” JOE (incredulous) You want me to HIT Lacey? JERRY No, no. I’m speaking moraphysically. JOE You mean, metaphorically. JERRY Po-tay’-toe, po-tat’-toe. You lead off with two questions that she has to answer affirmatively...hence the “jab, jab.” (He makes a boxer’s jab motion.) And then...pow!...you hit her with the big question. She will be so used to saying yes that the word will just flow right out of her mouth. JOE That could be the dumbest theory I have ever heard. JERRY Works like a charm every time. Let me help you out. I’ll play Lacey and you be you. JERRY puts a red pillow case over his head and holds it on. JOE I said I wanted to ask LACEY to the prom, not Little Red Riding Hood. JERRY Remember, “jab, jab, punch.” JOE This is ridiculous. JERRY Just do it. And, remember, ask something that she has to say “yes” to. JOE So....Lacey... JERRY (answering in a high-pitched girl’s voice) Uh-huh? "BURT & ME" FINAL 41.

JOE is caught off guard by this JERRY’s girl voice. JOE Do you have two eyes? JERRY Now that’s just stupid. You at least have to make it appear to be conversational. It isn’t an alien checklist. JOE So...Lacey.. JERRY (again answering in a high-pitched girl’s voice) Uh-huh? JOE Do you like chocolate? JERRY (in that same girly voice) Why yes, I do. JOE And do you think was miscast in the movie “”? JERRY (in his own voice) What the hell kind of question is that? JOE Well, he was. It totally tarnished his image as the All-American hero. JERRY (in his own voice) She may not have even seen the movie, you moron. Try another. JOE So, Lacey... JERRY (in a girl’s voice again) Uh-huh? JOE (frustrated) Will you cut that out? "BURT & ME" FINAL 42.

JERRY Come on, jab! JOE Lacey, do you ever get gas after eating tacos? JERRY (in his own voice) Oh, charming. JOE Let me try again. Do you think Paul McCartney is better looking than ? Pretty good, eh? JERRY Close enough. (in a girly voice) Why, yes I do. (in his normal voice) Now punch! JOE Will you go to the prom with me? JERRY (in a girly voice) Yes, yes, yes. I would love to. JERRY starts to sing and JOE joins in. SONG: I SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU - REPRISE JERRY (JOE) I RUN FOR THE BUS, DEAR, WHILE RIDING I THINK OF US, DEAR, (US DEAR) (BOTH) I SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU (JERRY) AT WORK I JUST TAKE TIME AND ALL THROUGH MY COFFEE BREAK-TIME, (BREAK TIME) (BOTH) I SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU (BOTH) FOREVER, AND EVER, YOU'LL STAY IN MY HEART AND I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER, AND EVER WE NEVER WILL PART OH, HOW I'LL LOVE YOU TOGETHER, FOREVER, THAT'S HOW IT MUST BE TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU WOULD ONLY MEAN HEARTBREAK FOR ME. JERRY (cont’d) Time to step up to the plate, my friend. Pick up the phone and make it happen. "BURT & ME" FINAL 43.

JOE I don’t know which is scarier. That someone like you is giving me advice on women or that I am actually LISTENING to someone like you giving me advice on women. JOE dials the phone. As the phone rings, the lights come up on LACEY and SALLY as well. LACEY (answering the phone) Hello? JOE Hello, Lacey? LACEY Joe is that you? JOE Ah...yes. LACEY and SALLY scream and then LACEY immediately regains her composure when turning her attention back to JOE. LACEY (totally containing her excitement) How are you? JOE Ah, good.. SALLY (yelling in the background) Took you long enough, slow poke. LACEY gives a look to SALLY as if to say, “Will you shut up?” JOE Who was that? LACEY Just Sally. JOE (panicking) Oh good. Jerry wants to talk to her. "BURT & ME" FINAL 44.

JOE quickly hands the phone to JERRY, who looks surprised at first but decides to show JOE how it’s done. LACEY hands the phone to SALLY. , pigtails, given any thought to my prom proposal? SALLY Well actually... LACEY gives her a menacing look. LACEY (whispering indignantly) Haskell Fletcher. SALLY (turning back to the phone) I’ve decided to accept your invitation to the prom. JERRY (proudly) No surprise there. SALLY (furious) Why you... LACEY gives her a stern look. SALLY (cont’d) (turning back to phone) I look forward to a great evening. (Turning back to Lacey) Do you know how hard it is to talk with your teeth clenched? JERRY Great. Now put Lacey on the phone. Joe wants to talk to her. JERRY mouths the words “I love you” into the phone and then hands it back to JOE as SALLY hands her phone to LACEY. JERRY (cont’d) (turning to Joe) And that is how it is done. Your turn, brother. Go for it. "BURT & ME" FINAL 45.

JOE Lacey, can I talk to you for a second? LACEY Sure. That’s what I thought we were doing. JOE Oh, you’re right. SALLY and JERRY are perched next to their friends trying to hear every word of the conversation and interjecting as they see fit. JERRY motions for the ‘jab jab punch” approach. JERRY Remember....three questions that she has to say yes to. JOE Lacey, do you like chocolate? SALLY who is listening in on the conversation screams at this point. SALLY What? LACEY quiets SALLY and puts the phone back to her ear. JOE What’s the matter? LACEY Oh, nothing. You just caught me off guard with that question. But, yes, I love chocolate. JOE is all pleased with himself that he has gotten his first “yes.” JOE And how about shrimp? Do you like shrimp? LACEY Well, actually I am allergic to shellfish. JOE Damn! Forget I asked that. Do you love your parents? "BURT & ME" FINAL 46.

LACEY I haven’t talked to my father since he ran away with his secretary. JOE Crap! (turning to Jerry) Now what? JERRY I got nothing. JOE (Thinks for a moment and then is pleased to come up with something) Do you hate his secretary for doing that to your mother? LACEY Yes, I do. JOE Wonderful. LACEY (interrupting) Joe, will you go to the prom with me? JOE But I was going to ask you. LACEY Yeah, but you were dragging your feet, so I decided to head you off at the pass. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m pretty crazy about you. JOE I assure you the feeling is mutual. So, I’ll pick you up at seven? LACEY Sounds great. JOE, LACEY (to Jerry & Sally) We’re going to the prom. JERRY (with bravado) Works every time. As the music starts, LACEY and SALLY get dressed for the prom. JOE (to Jerry) You have the keys to your dad’s car? "BURT & ME" FINAL 47.

JERRY Oh yeah...those girls will be eating out of the palm of our hands when they see us drive up in my dad’s shiny new...Ford Pinto! JOE puts on his tux and JERRY helps him. During the song, JERRY reveals his tuxedo tee-shirt. ENSEMBLE joins them at the prom. SONG: I SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU - REPRISE (JOE, LACEY, JERRY, SALLY) OOO....OOO (GIRLS) THE MOMENT I WAKE UP BEFORE I PUT ON MY MAKEUP (MAKE-UP) (ALL) I SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU (GIRLS) WHILE COMBING MY HAIR NOW, AND WONDERING WHAT DRESS TO WEAR NOW, (WEAR NOW) (ALL) I SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU (PROJECTION: Gymnasium)

(ALL) FOREVER, AND EVER, YOU'LL STAY IN MY HEART AND I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER, AND EVER WE NEVER WILL PART OH, HOW I'LL LOVE YOU TOGETHER, FOREVER, THAT'S HOW IT MUST BE TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU WOULD ONLY MEAN HEARTBREAK FOR ME. (COUPLES DANCE BREAK AT PROM) FR. DEJOSEPH brings out the graduation caps and diplomas. GIRLS (GUYS) MY DARLING BELIEVE ME, FOR ME THERE IS NO ONE (FOR ME THERE IS NO ONE) (ALL) BUT YOU! PLEASE LOVE ME TOO (PLEASE LOVE ME TOO) AND I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU (I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU) (ALL) ANSWER MY PRAYER JOE & LACEY move their graduation cap tassels to the other side. On the last word of the song, they raise their graduation caps into the air to punctuate the ending to the song. (PROJECTION: Burt Bacharach 2) "BURT & ME" FINAL 48.

INTERMISSION "BURT & ME" FINAL 49.

ACT TWO JOE is on stage by himself to start the second act. JOE After graduation, Lacey and I spent an amazing summer together. We were inseparable. Come September we both went to different colleges, but we made a pact to stay together. Lacey headed off to Penn State...and I made the University of Virginia my new home. (PROJECTION: Virginia & Penn State Pennants) LACEY enters. JOE (cont’d) It was only 5 hours separating us, but it might as well have been two continents away because neither of us had a car. I did manage to find a ride up there for her homecoming, but that was basically it for face-to-face conversation. The distance made it feel like we were slowly losing each other.

SONG: BLUE ON BLUE JOE (LACEY) BLUE ON BLUE (BLUE ON BLUE) HEARTACHE ON HEARTACHE(HEARTACHE) BLUE ON BLUE (BLUE ON BLUE) NOW THAT WE ARE THROUGH BLUE ON BLUE (BLUE ON BLUE) HEARTACHE ON HEARTACHE(HEARTACHE) (BOTH) AND I FIND I CAN'T GET OVER LOSING YOU (JOE) I WALK ALONG THE STREET WE USED TO WALK TWO BY TWO, LOVERS PASS (LACEY) AND AS THEY'RE PASSING BY I COULD DIE (BOTH) 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT HERE WITH ME NOW THE TREES ARE BARE (JOE) THERE'S SADNESS IN THE AIR AND (BOTH) I'M AS BLUE (JOE) AS I CAN BE OH...BLUE ON BLUE (BLUE ON BLUE) HEARTACHE ON HEARTACHE (HEARTACHE) BLUE ON BLUE (BLUE ON BLUE) NOW THAT WE ARE THROUGH BLUE ON BLUE (BLUE ON BLUE) HEARTACHE ON HEARTACHE (HEARTACHE) (BOTH) AND I FIND I CAN'T GET OVER LOSING YOU...LOSING YOU JOE and LACEY talk on the phone to each other. "BURT & ME" FINAL 50.

The underscore of a slow version of “Always Something There to Remind Me” plays during the dialogue. LACEY I loved you being up here for Homecoming. JOE It was great being there. LACEY The only trouble is that it gets harder and harder when you leave. JOE I know. LACEY So, do I need to sweat out your being back at school with all those southern belles? JOE (frustrated) You have absolutely nothing to worry about. Virginia is six guys to every one girl. (trying to lighten the moment). There are Trappist monasteries with better odds. LACEY (also trying to keep things lighter) The preferred response would have been “I’m not looking.” JOE That goes without saying. Let’s talk again tomorrow LACEY (apologetically) I have classes all day and a sorority meeting at night...so can we make it later? JOE (frustrated) Yeah...sure. They each hang up. Suddenly GEORGE enters Joe’s room. GEORGE Knock, knock. "BURT & ME" FINAL 51.

JOE (shocked) Pop, what are you doing here? GEORGE I hopped into my car this morning, took a wrong turn and, since I was in the area, I thought I would pay you a little visit. JOE That’s one heck of a wrong turn. GEORGE I was listening to my 8-track and I guess I got a little distracted. JOE From Pennsylvania to Virginia? GEORGE I sure wish I had invested in that technology. The 8-track is the greatest invention since Astroturf. You mark my words, the 8-track is going to be around for a long time. JOE I can’t believe you are here. GEORGE Not for long. I know you probably have homework. JOE Homework? What’s that? GEORGE That’s what I was afraid you would say. JOE You’re unbelievable. GEORGE When we talked on the phone Thursday, I got the impression that you were a little down. You okay? JOE I guess. GEORGE Everything all right between you and Lacey? JOE Can’t really say. We never get to see each other any more and it’s starting to get to me. "BURT & ME" FINAL 52.

GEORGE Is that what has you down. JOE Yeah, I suppose. GEORGE I wouldn’t dwell on it. If you two are meant to be together, it’ll happen. In the meantime, I strongly suggest that you find some acceptable distractions in your life. I perfected the art after your mother died. JOE Such as? GEORGE Sports, music, reading...an 8-track. JOE Pop, how did you know that mom was the right one for you? GEORGE Simple. She was the one who made me feel smarter, funnier, and better-looking than I knew I really was. Well, I better be heading home. JOE You just got here. And now you are going to turn around and head right back? GEORGE Yep. JOE Can’t we go grab dinner somewhere before you leave? GEORGE Don’t have time. You don’t want your old man falling asleep at the wheel now do you? JOE You know you can stay here. GEORGE You’ve got one bed and it’s a single. We’re close...but we ain’t THAT close. Besides, I have to be at work at 6:30 tomorrow morning. Not to worry, I have the car and the 8-track all warmed up. "BURT & ME" FINAL 53.

JOE At least let me walk you to your car. GEORGE That we can do. JOE Okay if I try to reach Lacey before you go so you can say hello? GEORGE I would like that. JOE dials Lacey’s telephone number. We hear the phone ringing in Lacey’s dorm room, but she is not there to answer it. LACEY runs into the room right after the final ring and is frustrated when she picks up the phone right after JOE has hung up. JOE (to George) No answer. GEORGE You can try her again later. JOE Pop, thanks so much for driving all the way down here to see me. I’m not sure you know how much that means to me. GEORGE I absolutely know. For the record, seeing you today...was my “acceptable distraction.” GEORGE puts his arm around JOE and they leave the dorm room. LACEY calls back. The phone rings but no one is there to answer it. We see a very disappointed LACEY in her dorm room. She picks up her picture of Joe and stares at it. JOE reenters and addresses the audience. JOE The strain of our long distance relationship started to take its toll. Weekends became lonely reminders of every mile between us. (MORE) "BURT & ME" FINAL 54. JOE (cont'd) I took my father’s advice and started writing for the school newspaper and joined an a cappella choral group called the “Singing Cavaliers.” Lacey joined a sorority. The distraction approach must have worked because the phone calls became fewer and fewer. JOE makes his way back to his dorm room. In November of our sophomore year, Lacey and I made the break-up official. I think we still loved each other, but I could no longer find a way to make it work. Since we were unable to ever see each other in person, her picture on my desk was starting to morph into the equivalent of Angie Dickinson’s poster on my wall...nice to look at but nothing more than a two-dimensional stranger. And in the end, our history could not overcome our geography. The lights go down lightly on JOE and up brighter on LACEY as she sings.

SONG: LACEY (JOE) ONE LESS BELL TO ANSWER……….ONE LESS EGG TO FRY ONE LESS MAN TO PICK-UP AFTER I SHOULD BE HAPPY……..BUT ALL I DO IS CRY (CRY, CRY, NO MORE LAUGHTER) I SHOULD BE HAPPY (OH, WHY DID SHE GO) I ONLY KNOW THAT (OOH) SINCE HE LEFT MY LIFE'S SO EMPTY THOUGH I TRY TO FORGET IT JUST CAN'T BE DONE EACH TIME THE DOORBELL RINGS I STILL RUN (BOTH) I DON'T KNOW HOW IN THE WORLD…… (LACEY) TO STOP THINKING OF HIM (I SHOULD BE HAPPY) 'CAUSE I STILL LOVE HIM SO I END EACH DAY THE WAY I START OUT (I START AND END EACH DAY CRYING) CRYING MY HEART OUT (JOE) ONE LESS BELL TO ANSWER (LACEY) ONE LESS EGG TO FRY ONE LESS MAN (ONE LESS GIRL) TO PICK UP AFTER NO MORE (NO MORE) LAUGHTER, (BOTH) NO MORE LOVE (LACEY) SINCE HE WENT AWAY (SINCE SHE WENT AWAY) (LACEY) SINCE HE WENT AWAY...(BOTH) ALL I DO IS CRY JOE (cont’d) (to audience) Breaking up with Lacey could have been the dumbest thing I had ever done in my life. (MORE) "BURT & ME" FINAL 55. JOE (cont’d) It was like selling your car because you thought you might someday have an accident...big mistake. So, while Lacey and I could no longer find a way to make things work, Cupid apparently took aim on the most unlikely of targets. (PROJECTION: School yard) JOE leaves. The lights come up on JERRY and SALLY. JERRY I can’t believe you actually agreed to meet me. SALLY It’s Lent. (Long pause) I’m also giving up ice cream. JERRY So, how’s life? SALLY Just peachy...and you? JERRY Things couldn’t be better. SALLY I’m getting ready for graduation. How about you? JERRY I’m getting ready for graduation too. Not mine, of course, but most of my friends. I’ve changed my major seven times so I am a little behind schedule. SALLY I guess some grapes just take longer to ripen on the vine. JERRY Yeah, well I’ve been hanging on the vine so long they have started to call me “chardonnay.” So what’s in store for you after college? SALLY I’m leaving my options open. JERRY Any job offers? SALLY Not yet. And you? "BURT & ME" FINAL 56.

JERRY I don’t think I’ll need a job. At my current rate, when I finally DO graduate, I will already be eligible for Social Security and Medicare. SALLY I like a man who plans ahead. JERRY When do you head back to school? SALLY Wednesday. JERRY I go back on Thursday. Want to go bowling Tuesday night? SALLY I’m afraid I can’t. I’m already seeing someone. JERRY Who? SALLY (struggling badly to think of someone and then blurting out a name she regrets) Eh....Haskell Fletcher. JERRY (incredulously) Haskell Fletcher? SALLY When you get to know him, he’s really quite a nice guy. JERRY I’ll bet. Well, I better be going. JERRY starts to leave. The underscore to “Look of Love” starts to play. SALLY (yelling after him) Make it seven-thirty. JERRY Pardon me? SALLY For bowling....pick me up at seven-thirty. "BURT & ME" FINAL 57.

JERRY But what about Haskell Fletcher? SALLY I made that up. JERRY Yeah, I know. SALLY How did you know? JERRY He’s uglier than ME. SALLY You’re not ugly. Besides, maybe I’m just holding out for a wine that is properly aged. SALLY starts to sing “The Look of Love” mimicking JERRY’s earlier motions for this song. JERRY joins in. SONG: THE LOOK OF LOVE - REPRISE SALLY (JERRY) THE LOOK OF LOVE IS IN YOUR EYES A LOOK YOUR SMILE CAN'T DISGUISE (JERRY) THE LOOK (SALLY) THE LOOK (BOTH) OF LOVE IS SAYING SO MUCH MORE THAN JUST WORDS COULD EVER SAY (JERRY) AND WHAT MY HEART HAS HEARD WELL IT (BOTH) TAKES MY BREATH AWAY SALLY (JERRY) I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO HOLD YOU (HARDLY WAIT TO HOLD YOU) FEEL MY ARMS AROUND YOU (FEEL MY ARMS AROUND YOU) HARDLY WAIT TO HOLD YOU (I’VE WAITED AND WAITED) FEEL MY ARMS AROUND YOU (YEAH, YEAH, YEAH)....(WOO) SALLY and JERRY exit. (PROJECTION: Burt Bacharach 2) JOE enters. JOE Apparently Cupid was on LSD. (Pause) Anyway, I graduated from college and went back home. My dad had been an empty-nester for quite some time so I wasn’t sure how he would take it when I asked him if I could move back in with him. "BURT & ME" FINAL 58.

GEORGE (giving Joe a hug when he turns and sees him) Joe. It’s good to have you back home. Ever since the dog died, I have been looking for a new roommate. JOE Well, I’m your man...and I don’t shed. GEORGE So, what’s up next for you? JOE I’ve been offered a job teaching music in a private school in the city. The pay isn’t much but I think it will be a great experience. GEORGE Does it offer health benefits? JOE Yep. GEORGE I like it already. Let me go make us some dinner. GEORGE leaves. JOE (to audience) Being back at home after college was a wonderful time in my life because I got to enjoy my dad without the baggage of being an angry self-absorbed teenager. A year later, I got my own apartment. I moved in right around Thanksgiving. The first thing I did when I got settled was to call my dad and play “Turkey Lurkey Time” from “Promises, Promises” to him over the phone. A slow instrumental version of the song “Turkey Lurkey” plays under the dialogue. JOE delivers these next lines slowly and with a lump in his throat. That was the last time I was ever able to do that. (PROJECTION: Stain glass window) LACEY walks up to JOE. "BURT & ME" FINAL 59.

LACEY Your dad was a wonderful man. JOE Thanks. He thought the world of you too. In fact he said I was a total fool for letting you get away. LACEY Your eulogy was very nice. JOE I kept it short because I was afraid I might not get through it. Besides, he always hated anybody ever making a fuss about him. LACEY He would have liked it. JOE Thanks. LACEY (suddenly uncomfortable) Well, I better be going. JOE Thanks so much for coming. It means a lot to me. LACEY Nice seeing you again, Joe. LACEY starts to leave, hesitates briefly, and then exits. JOE (to audience) And just like that she was gone and all those things I had wanted to say for so long and had rehearsed in my head a million times were left unsaid. The combination of burying my dad and then seeing Lacey for the first time in so long...(his voice trails off). It had been a taxing day. JOE walks into his father’s home. I went back to my father’s house that night after the funeral. I was overcome by a flood of memories. He was going to be the best man at my wedding someday. (MORE) "BURT & ME" FINAL 60. JOE (cont'd) He was going to give the toast and maybe sing a spirited rendition of “Promises Promises” with me at the reception. But that wasn’t going to happen now. I knew I was in for a long night. LACEY comes running back out from the other side of the stage looking for JOE. She is consoled by SALLY and JERRY. They stay out on the stage in the darkness. JERRY, SALLY, LACEY, and ENSEMBLE face the house to sing in dim light. JOE goes through a box of possessions from his father’s house. We see a photograph of his dad and mom, a program from “Promises Promises,” his Burt Bacharach music book, his Sixers jersey, and more. The last item is his father’s jeff cap.

SONG: A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME (LACEY, SALLY, JERRY, GEORGE, ENSEMBLE) (SALLY) A CHAIR IS STILL A CHAIR EVEN WHEN THERE'S NO ONE SITTING THERE (JERRY) BUT A CHAIR IS NOT A HOUSE AND A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME WHEN THERE'S NO ONE THERE TO HOLD YOU TIGHT, AND NO ONE THERE YOU CAN KISS GOOD NIGHT. (LACEY) A ROOM IS STILL A ROOM EVEN WHEN THERE'S NOTHING THERE BUT GLOOM; BUT A ROOM IS NOT A HOUSE, AND A HOUSE IS NOT A HOME WHEN THE TWO OF US ARE FAR APART AND ONE OF US HAS A BROKEN HEART

JOE (ENSEMBLE) NOW AND THEN (NOW AND THEN) I CALL YOUR NAME (I CALL YOUR NAME) AND (JOE & GROUP) SUDDENLY YOUR FACE APPEARS BUT IT'S JUST A CRAZY GAME (JOE) WHEN IT ENDS IT ENDS IN TEARS (AH) LACEY (ENSEMBLE) DARLING, HAVE A HEART, DON'T LET ONE MISTAKE KEEP US APART. (AH) I'M NOT MEANT TO LIVE ALONE. TURN THIS HOUSE INTO A HOME. WHEN I CLIMB THE STAIR AND TURN THE KEY, OH, PLEASE BE THERE (LACEY, JERRY, SALLY, GEORGE, ENSEMBLE) STILL IN LOVE (STILL IN LOVE...STILL IN LOVE) WITH ME. "BURT & ME" FINAL 61.

(PROJECTION: Burt Bacharach 2) SALLY, JERRY, LACEY, and GEORGE exit, leaving JOE alone on stage. JOE (cont’d) (to audience) I shouldn’t have let Lacey walk away after my pop’s funeral, but the timing seemed all wrong to try and stop her. Then one day out of the blue their was a knock at my door. JERRY knocks on the door and enters by himself. JERRY I picked up this hitchhiker on the side of the road and she held me at gunpoint and made me drive her to your house. JOE I don’t believe that for a minute. JERRY Okay, maybe I held her at gunpoint and made her drive with me over to your house. JOE That certainly sounds more plausible. JERRY takes a seat right next to JOE. LACEY comes bounding into the room. LACEY Or maybe I just asked an old friend to drive me to your house so that the two of us could have a long overdue conversation. JOE I like that one the best. LACEY (turning to Jerry) Thanks, Jerry. JERRY Oh, you’re welcome. JERRY just stays right between the two of them, hoping to hear the rest of their conversation. JOE Yes, thank you, Jerry. "BURT & ME" FINAL 62.

JERRY (oblivious to the fact that he is intruding and making a swami type bow with hands in praying mode) You’re welcome. LACEY and JOE just stare at JERRY, who finally gets their message. JERRY (cont’d) Oh wow! You mean “thank you” as in “thank you, your work is done here, now leave.” JOE Something like that. JERRY Well, far be it from me to stick around when I am no longer wanted. I will be right outside here listening through the keyhole if you need me. JERRY leaves. JOE This is a wonderful surprise. What have you been up to lately? LACEY I am doing an article for magazine...one of those “whatever happened to” pieces on that famous singing group from the 60’s...the Blue Haze? JOE I am pretty sure that they split and then resurfaced years later as “KC and the Sunshine Band.” LACEY So the rumors WERE true. JOE Absolutely. LACEY Allow me to get to the real reason for my visit. JOE Yes? "BURT & ME" FINAL 63.

LACEY I won two tickets to a show at the Academy of Music from a local radio station and I was wondering if you might like to join me. JOE (slowly turning to the audience as we hear the piano chord and Lacey freezes) I know. JOE (cont’d) (to Lacey) I would love to. Who’s performing? LACEY Guess. JOE Not my boy, Burt. LACEY None other. JOE Are you serious? LACEY You don’t think I would contact you out of the blue if it wasn’t something or someone special. JOE I am honored. LACEY Great! It’s the late show this Saturday, so that will give us enough time for you to buy me dinner downtown at the restaurant of your choice at 7:00 p.m. sharp. I will be wearing a ______(indicating the color) dress so make sure the flowers you buy me don’t clash. LACEY leaves. JOE (to audience) And just like that my life got good. The girl of my dreams had asked ME out, we would be going to hear Burt Bacharach in concert, and the sun was shining brightly. At that moment we hear thunder and see lightning signifying a vicious rain storm. "BURT & ME" FINAL 64.

JOE (cont’d) Two out of three ain’t bad. (PROJECTION: Rain storm) JOE sings while getting ready for his big night. He is eventually joined by the ENSEMBLE who are all carrying umbrellas. SONG: RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD (JOE & ENSEMBLE) (JOE) RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD AND JUST LIKE THE GUY WHOSE FEET ARE TOO BIG FOR HIS BED, NOTHING SEEMS TO FIT. THOSE RAINDROPS ARE FALLING ON MY HEAD, THEY KEEP FALLING. SO I JUST (AH) DID ME SOME TALKING TO THE SUN. AND I SAID I DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY, HE GOT THINGS DONE... SLEEPING ON THE JOB... THOSE RAINDROPS ARE FALLING ON MY HEAD, THEY KEEP FALLING. BUT THERE'S ONE THING (BAH BAH DO WAH) I KNOW: THE BLUES THEY SEND TO MEET ME WON'T DEFEAT ME. IT WON'T BE LONG TILL HAPPINESS STEPS UP TO GREET ME. RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD (BAHT BAHT BAHT BAH) BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN MY EYES WILL SOON BE TURNING RED. CRYING'S NOT FOR ME CAUSE I'M NEVER GONNA STOP THE RAIN BY COMPLAINING. BECAUSE I'M FREE. (BAHT BAHT BAHT BAH) NOTHING'S WORRYING ME. (INSTRUMENTAL) RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD (BAHT BAHT BAHT BAH) BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN MY EYES WILL SOON BE TURNING RED. CRYING'S NOT FOR ME CAUSE I'M NEVER GONNA STOP THE RAIN BY COMPLAINING. BECAUSE I’M FREE. (BAHT BAHT BAHT BAH) NOTHING’S WORRYING...ME. (PROJECTION: Bar) The lights go down on JOE as he exits and up on LACEY who is sitting at a table with SALLY in the Iron Post restaurant. They are joined by other couples sitting at the tables. LACEY Are you sure I am doing the right thing? "BURT & ME" FINAL 65.

SALLY Absolutely. You two were meant to be together. We both know that you never should have broken up in the first place. LACEY How do I know I am not setting myself up for another broken heart? SALLY No, you’re right. Who needs a man when you can stay home every Friday and Saturday night and watch reruns of the Lifetime Channel’s “Why All Men Should Die” marathon? LACEY Sarcasm does not become you. SALLY Actually, you have every right to be nervous. I once went out with a guy who had dumped me a year earlier. LACEY Really? How did it go? SALLY He only asked me out so that he could finish telling me off and then fill me in on how his life had gotten so much better since leaving me behind. LACEY (after a pause to digest this) I’m sorry...and the pep talk there would be? SALLY Oh, I was just validating your feelings of intrepidation and hopelessness. LACEY Well, thank you. I was a little worried that I might be going into this night with a little too much confidence. SALLY Hey, that’s what friends are for. I’ll go get us a couple of drinks. You better be here when I get back. During the song, LACEY tries to leave and SALLY keeps her from doing so. "BURT & ME" FINAL 66.

SONG: KNOWING WHEN TO LEAVE (LACEY, SALLY, & LADIES) (LACEY) GO WHILE THE GOING IS GOOD KNOWING WHEN TO LEAVE MAY BE THE SMARTEST THING ANYONE CAN LEARN....GO! I'M AFRAID MY HEART ISN'T VERY SMART. FLY WHILE YOU STILL HAVE YOUR WINGS KNOWING WHEN TO LEAVE WILL NEVER LET YOU REACH THE POINT OF NO RETURN...FLY! SALLY reenters. The LADIES at the tables leave their dates to participate in this song. SALLY You are not going anywhere, sister. FOOLISH AS IT SEEMS, I STILL HAVE MY DREAMS SO I KEEP HOPING, (LACEY & SALLY) DAY AFTER DAY, AS I WAIT FOR THE MAN I NEED, NIGHT AFTER NIGHT AS I WISH FOR A LOVE THAT CAN BE (LACEY) THOUGH I'M SURE THAT (LACEY & SALLY) NO ONE CAN TELL WHERE THEIR WISHES AND HOPES MAY LEAD (LACEY) SOMEHOW I FEEL THERE IS HAPPINESS JUST WAITING THERE FOR ME. (SALLY & FEMALES) WHEN SOMEONE WALKS IN YOUR LIFE, YOU'D JUST BETTER BE SURE HE'S RIGHT. (LACEY)'CAUSE IF HE'S WRONG THERE ARE HEARTACHES AND TEARS YOU MUST FACE. (LACEY & FEMALES) KEEP BOTH OF YOUR EYES (LA LA...) ON THE DOOR...NEVER LET IT GET OUT OF SIGHT JUST BE PREPARED WHEN THE TIME HAS COME FOR YOU TO RUN AWAY (LACEY) SAIL WHEN THE WIND STARTS TO BLOW (SALLY & ENSEMBLE) DON’T SAIL WHEN THE WIND STARTS TO BLOW (LACEY) BUT LIKE A FOOL I DON'T KNOW... (SALLY & ENSEMBLE) KEEP OUR EYES ON THE DOOR AND DON’T RUN AWAY...AND YOU’LL KNOW WHEN...TO...LEAVE (LACEY) WHEN...TO...LEAVE. LACEY & SALLY finish the song sitting on the stools by the piano. The LADIES return to their tables. JOE enters. LACEY Here he comes. "BURT & ME" FINAL 67.

SALLY (leaving in a hurry) I’ll be over by the bar if you need me. Of course, if I meet Mr. Right, you are on your own. SALLY leaves as JOE walks over to the piano stools. LACEY quickly takes the end stool. JOE has both hands behind his back. He pulls one hand out. It has a forsythia branch. JOE I brought you forsythia. That goes with ______(color of dress) right? LACEY It sure does, Mr. Big Spender. JOE pulls the other hand out from behind his back revealing a bouquet of 12 roses. JOE Maybe these will be more to your liking. LACEY They’re beautiful. Thank you. At this point, JERRY emerges with SALLY on his arm. They approach JOE & LACEY. JERRY Hey, you guys! LACEY Well if it isn’t Sally and Mr. Right? SALLY (to Lacey) He’s not Mr. Right. He’s Mr. Persistent. JOE Care to join us? JERRY starts to sit down on one of the stools between JOE and LACEY. JERRY Sounds good. Before JERRY can even sit completely, SALLY yanks him away. "BURT & ME" FINAL 68.

SALLY Oh no you don’t. These two have a lot to talk about and don’t need us around. Ever hear of the expression a “third wheel?” JERRY Yeah, but there are four of us here and four wheels offer greater stability. SALLY (threatening) Not if one of those wheels is missing its ball- bearings. JERRY (getting up to leave) I just love it when you talk dirty. (He growls like a lion again.) SALLY and JERRY leave. LACEY Nice restaurant. I’ve never been here before. JOE I picked it because they have this wonderful piano player. In fact, here (he/she) comes now. PIANO PLAYER enters with a tip cup. He casually moves it right in front of JOE, who then pulls out a one-dollar bill and puts it in the cup. The PIANO PLAYER pulls out the dollar bill looks at it incredulously and speaks. PIANIST (looking at the dollar bill) Oh boy! The PIANIST throws the dollar bill into the tip cup, sits down at the piano on stage, and plays. JOE It is wonderful to see you again, Lacey. LACEY It is nice to see you too, Joe. First ground rule...this is just a friendship date. JOE Fine by me. "BURT & ME" FINAL 69.

LACEY Because I have absolutely no feelings for you whatsoever. At this point, the PIANIST stops playing and just starts laughing heartily because he/she knows this is totally untrue. JOE and LACEY turn to stare at the PIANIST until he/she starts playing again. JOE And I don’t even find you remotely attractive anymore. PIANIST (sarcastically) Yeah, right! JOE and LACEY again flash the PIANIST a look. He/she goes back to playing only. LACEY Good, I’m glad that we got that out of the way, Neither of us needs to have our hearts broken again. SONG: I’LL NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN (LACEY & JOE) (LACEY) WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE A GUY WITH A PIN TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR ALL YOUR TROUBLE I'LL NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN I'LL NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN

(JOE) WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU KISS A GIRL YOU GET ENOUGH GERMS TO CATCH PNEUMONIA AFTER YOU DO, SHE'LL NEVER PHONE YA I'LL NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN I'LL NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN

At this point the PIANIST stands up and sings along with JOE & LACEY on the next part of the song. The PIANIST makes an angry face at Lacey or Joe like he/she is recalling his/her own bad experiences with love. JOE and LACEY slowly turn to look at the PIANIST as if to say, “Why is he/she entering into our discussion?” "BURT & ME" FINAL 70.

(JOE, LACEY, PIANIST) DON'T TELL ME WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT 'CAUSE I’VE BEEN THERE AND I'M GLAD I’M OUT (JOE, LACEY) OUT OF THOSE CHAINS, THOSE CHAINS THAT BIND YOU THAT IS WHY I'M HERE TO REMIND YOU (JOE, LACEY) WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE YOU ONLY GET LIES AND PAIN AND SORROW SO FOR AT LEAST UNTIL TOMORROW I'LL NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN (BOTH) I'LL NEVER FALL IN LOVE...AGAIN PIANIST (To Lacey as he starts to leave) Good luck with Mr. Trump over there. ALTERNATE LINE: If the celebrity is associated with a particular television station or college team, this line can make fun of his or her competitor. For example, a coach might make fun of Joe’s small tip by saying to Lacey “He must be a (rival school’s name) grad.” PIANIST exits. JOE So, are you telling me that you never fell in love again after we broke up? LACEY There were other guys...but nothing special. What about you? JOE There has only been one other girl in my life besides you. LACEY You better say your mother. JOE Not quite. LACEY Did you meet this girl at Virginia? JOE Nope. LACEY Come on, who was it? "BURT & ME" FINAL 71.

(PROJECTION: Angie Dickinson with accompanying piano chord) JOE I’d rather not talk about it. It might make you jealous and I don’t want to ruin the moment. LACEY It wouldn’t make me jealous. Remember, this is only a friend date. (PROJECTION: Bar) Underscore of “Close to You” begins. JOE Oh, right. So, friend, care to dance? LACEY Sure...but only platonically. JOE Platonic dancing is my specialty. In fact, I am disappointed that it is a slow number because I’m repulsed just at the thought of having to be so close to you. LACEY (smiling) Likewise I’m sure. JOE and LACEY dance together as they sing this duet. SONG: CLOSE TO YOU (JOE & LACEY) (JOE) WHY DO BIRDS SUDDENLY APPEAR EVERY TIME YOU ARE NEAR? OH... JUST LIKE ME, THEY LONG TO BE...CLOSE TO YOU. An instrumental segment switches to a cha-cha beat. LACEY is reluctant to get close. JOE takes her hands and starts doing the cha- cha with her. JOE (holding her hands and enticing her to do the cha-cha with him) Look at me. One-two-cha-cha-cha. One-two-cha- cha-cha. Remember? "BURT & ME" FINAL 72.

LACEY How could I forget. JOE tries to pull LACEY closer. She is reluctant. JOE gently holds her chin up. JOE It’s okay. LACEY allows herself to enjoy the moment.

(LACEY) WHY DO STARS FALL DOWN FROM THE SKY EVERY TIME YOU WALK BY? OH, JUST LIKE ME, THEY LONG TO BE...CLOSE TO YOU. LACEY (JOE) ON THE DAY THAT YOU WERE BORN (AHH...CLOSE TO YOU) THE ANGELS GOT TOGETHER AND DECIDED TO CREATE A DREAM COME TRUE (LACEY & JOE) SO THEY SPRINKLED MOON DUST IN YOUR HAIR OF GOLD AND STARLIGHT IN YOUR EYES OF BLUE. (UNDERSCORE) Dialogue continues over underscore. LACEY So, will you ever forgive me for being so forward? First asking you to the senior prom and now inviting you to the show tonight? JOE Only if you will forgive me for pretending to be a radio station and sending you Burt Bacharach concert tickets. The music stops. LACEY’s face slowly registers shock at hearing this. She pauses while she digests this new piece of information. This also allows the audience to get what has just happened. LACEY (totally caught off guard) What? The music starts back up as an underscore. "BURT & ME" FINAL 73.

JOE WJLL? The radio station? (PROJECTION: WJLL) LACEY Yeah? JOE Know what the call letters stand for? LACEY I’m all ears. JOE “Why Joe Loves Lacey.” LACEY If that wasn’t so conniving and so incredibly presumptuous, I might actually find that somewhat romantic. JOE I’ll give you conniving, but it was not at all presumptuous. (PROJECTION: Bar) LACEY How in the world did you know I would ask you? JOE I didn’t. I bought three tickets...all right next to each other. What an amazing coincidence it was going to be when you showed up tonight with your date and our paths would mysteriously cross once again. LACEY How do I know I can believe you? JOE Easy...when you asked me to go with you, I was so happy that I offered the third ticket to an old friend. He is stopping by here before the show to pick it up. FATHER DEJOSEPH enters. JOE holds up the ticket. FATHER DEJOSEPH greets both of them and picks up the ticket without even stopping. FATHER DEJOSEPH (grabbing the ticket) Joseph, Lacey...see you at the show, uh? "BURT & ME" FINAL 74.

FATHER DEJOSEPH stops and gives JOE & LACEY their signature move by snapping his finger and pointing at both of them. They return the gesture. He leaves. JOE (to Lacey) One of the conditions of him getting the ticket was that he do absolutely nothing to ruin the mood of the night. LACEY Now, that’s romantic. The ENSEMBLE enter singing as JOE and LACEY continue dancing. SONG: CLOSE TO YOU - REPRISE (ENSEMBLE) ON THE DAY THAT YOU WERE BORN (AH...CLOSE TO YOU) THE ANGELS GOT TOGETHER AND DECIDED TO CREATE A DREAM COME TRUE SO THEY SPRINKLED MOON DUST IN YOUR HAIR OF GOLD (AHH) AND STARLIGHT IN YOUR EYES OF BLUE. SALLY comes out and takes LACEY away to get ready for the wedding. JOE is left on stage by himself. JOE (to audience) The show that night was magical. Burt set the perfect mood and three months later, Lacey and I were engaged. I guess I’m not very good at platonic dancing. JOE leaves to get ready for the wedding. FATHER DEJOSEPH enters with JERRY, who is all dressed up for the wedding. They sing as they enter. (PROJECTION: Church) (FATHER DEJOSEPH, JOE, LACEY) WAHHHHHHHHHHH, CLOSE TO YOU. Dialogue is heard over the music. FATHER DEJOSEPH Jerry, did you remember the rings? "BURT & ME" FINAL 75.

JERRY reaches into his tuxedo jacket pocket and then his pants pockets. A look of fear comes over him, until he remembers where he put them. JERRY Oh, that’s right. I put them some place safe so I wouldn’t forget. JERRY slips off his shoe and hands it to FATHER DEJOSEPH so that he can see that rings are inside it. JERRY is all proud of himself. SALLY just rolls her eyes at this. FATHER DEJOSEPH is keeping his distance from the shoe. FATHER DEJOSEPH (sarcastically) Brilliant! JERRY Do you want them? FATHER DEJOSEPH (somewhat grossed out) We can wait until the ceremony. They all assume their wedding stances at center stage, waiting for the bride and groom as they sing one last line. ENSEMBLE enters as invited guests to the wedding. MRS. BERNSTEIN enters to play the organ for the wedding.

WAHHHHHHHHHHH, CLOSE TO YOU.(4X’S OR AS MANY TIMES AS NEEDED) SONG: WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW (JERRY, SALLY, FATHER DEJOSEPH, JOE, LACEY, ENSEMBLE) (JERRY) WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW, IS LOVE, SWEET LOVE, IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT THERE'S JUST TOO LITTLE OF. (SALLY) WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW, IS LOVE, SWEET LOVE, NO, NOT JUST FOR SOME BUT FOR EVERYONE. FATHER DEJOSEPH steps forward. (FATHER DEJOSEPH) LORD, WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER MOUNTAIN, THERE ARE MOUNTAINS AND HILLSIDES ENOUGH TO CLIMB, "BURT & ME" FINAL 76.

THERE ARE OCEANS AND RIVERS ENOUGH TO CROSS, ENOUGH TO LAST 'TIL THE END OF TIME. JOE enters. He is wearing a tux for the wedding. He greets JERRY. JOE then stands next to FATHER DEJOSEPH. (JOE) WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW, IS LOVE, SWEET LOVE, IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT THERE'S JUST TOO LITTLE OF. LACEY enters, wearing a wedding gown. (LACEY) WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW, IS LOVE, SWEET LOVE, NO, NOT JUST FOR SOME BUT FOR EVERYONE. The underscored music continues as FATHER DEJOSEPH starts to talk. FATHER DEJOSEPH (cont’d) May we have the rings please? JERRY takes off his shoe and tilts it so that the rings fall into JOE’s hand. JOE makes a thoroughly disgusted face then hands one of the rings to LACEY. They exchange rings. FATHER DEJOSEPH (cont’d) Lacey, do you take Joseph to be your lawfully wedded husband? JOE Could I interrupt here for a second, Father? JOE turns to JERRY and gives him the “jab jab punch” motion. JERRY gives it right back. FATHER DEJOSEPH Go right ahead. JOE (to Lacey) Lacey, do you like chocolate? LACEY (curious at first) I do. JOE And hate shrimp? "BURT & ME" FINAL 77.

LACEY (understanding that this is the jab jab punch theory at work) I do. JOE (to Father DeJoseph) Go ahead, Father. It’s all yours. JOE (cont’d) (to Father DeJoseph) Oh, one more thing father. JOE then reaches into his pocket, pulls out his father’s hat, pumps it high into the air, and puts it on.

(FULL CAST) WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW, IS LOVE, SWEET LOVE, IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT THERE'S JUST TOO LITTLE OF.

(ALL) WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW, IS LOVE, SWEET LOVE, NO, NOT JUST FOR SOME OH BUT JUST FOR EVERYONE. At this point, LACEY throws the bouquet over her shoulder. JERRY rushes in front of SALLY to make sure he is the one to catch it. His competitive nature surfaces and he gives a “take that” face to the audience. SALLY looks on incredulously. JERRY (catching the bouquet) Yes! JERRY hands the bouquet to Sally. EVERYONE, EVERYONE. (PROJECTION: Burt & Me Logo) Blackout. Lights come back up for bows to the reprise version of ”Always Something There to Remind Me.” "BURT & ME" FINAL 78.

SONG: ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE TO REMIND ME (INSTRUMENTAL) I WALK ALONG THE CITY STREETS YOU USED TO WALK ALONG WITH ME AND EVERY STEP I TAKE REMINDS ME HOW MUCH IN LOVE WE USED TO BE. Having taken their bows the full cast sings. OH, HOW CAN I FORGET YOU, WHEN THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE TO REMIND ME ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE TO REMIND ME

I WAS BORN TO LOVE YOU AND I WILL NEVER BE FREE YOU’LL ALWAYS BE A PART OF ME ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE TO REMIND ME

JOE (to audience) Help us out. Each cast member puts a hand to his/her ear as if to say “Let us hear you.” (CAST & AUDIENCE) ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE TO REMIND ME ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE TO REMIND ME FULL CAST One last time. ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE TO REMIND ME. ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE. After the characters take one more bow as a group, they exit. Exit Music: Turkey Lurkey Time (Instrumental)

END OF SHOW

(PROJECTION: Burt & Me Logo or Burt Bacharach with Hal David)