AILY BUL The Daily Bull is probably not suitable for those under age 18 and should not be taken seriously... like waking up on tme! L DWednesday, October 28, 2009 Tsunami Causes Mass Anime Shortage One doesn’t have a sense of The Steaming Pile Straight from you-know-where! humor. It has you. By Jon ‘Big O’ Mahan ~ Daily Bull ~ Larry Gelbart Daily Bull Halloween Costumes AN EARTHQUAKE IN ARGENTINA OVER THE WEEKEND Genesis Evangelion, and in fact, many iClicker Bag Lady sent a massive tsunami across the ocean, are rejoicing, having said their minds Phasmophobic Nathan Invincible A terrorist hitting the entire coast of Japan. As many are no longer blown. It is said that true Trucker Runs Captain obvious Choir Boys people know, Japan is the home of anime copies of Big O only exist in numbers Loud drunk guy Roadkill Down 12 Trick- and manga. Unfortunately, the majority of less than 3000. Tampon A bowl of fruit or-Treaters anime and manga offices, servers, and printing centers were on the coast af- When asked about the situation, the Escaped convict Pool boy By Nathan ‘Invincible’ Miller fected by the 30-metre tall wave. Japanese prime minister only had this to Tarvis ecreip Inspector Gadget ~ Daily Bull ~ say: “We are truly sorry for your lots.” No- Baby seal Guy Fawkes The damage, many say, is irreversible. Data body is truly certain what he means by A phallus A Katamari TWELVE TRICK-OR-TREATERS BETWEEN to almost all ancient anime, such as Lu- sorry for our ‘lots,’ but one thing is sure: Marge Simpson’s Hair A convoluted sinusoid the ages of 6 and 10 were pin III, Robotech, trade and social Snow cow Dora the Explorer killed in an apparent hit-and- Neon Genesis goings among Snow drift Richard Simmons run by a phasmophobic truck Evangelion, and otaku are at an Frat mattress Anatomically correct Ken Doll driver, reports authorities. Gunbuster were all time high. Your roommate Hamtaro The children, none of whom a l m o s t c o m - Usually otaku A HOBO for God’s sake! Mr. Rogers stood a chance against the pletely wiped are highly unso- 10,000 Gallons of sewage Santa ten-ton behemoth, were par- out. This massive ciable, staying in A lightning bolt Zombie Jesus ticipating in a ‘ghoul parade’ shortage has left their rooms with Stripper pole Diabeetus when they were flattened like many people their computers Sailor Moon The Burger King pancakes on US-41. to actually turn “Earthquake” indeed. I bet that’s just a cover-up... and their anime Generic Man! The Village People away from the figures all day, Yakko Wakko and Dot UChem exam “It’s one thing to doze off at classic use of currency, and in many circles watching anime with the occasional Pinky and the Brain Dick in a box the wheel and knock off a use anime and manga as an alternative hentai. However, due to the spark in Captain Underpants WMTU Gorilla couple college kids, but actu- currency source. trade, many otaku are fleeing their room Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and/or Clyde Purple Vest Guy! ally driving onto the sidewalk in favor of this ‘outside’ they’ve always to squash some kindergar- Some lucky otaku have been heralding heard about and exchanging digital teners dressed up as ghosts? this as the day they’ve been waiting for. media with one another. ��� That’s another story,” claims Though the conversion rates are varied Keweenaw Timber Holding since anime is bartered and not bought On the hentai note, Hentai from Japan supervisor Ken Vella, who or sold, the rough equivalents are about has been almost completely wiped was out with his son when 400 dollars for Big O, 1000 for Lupin III, out. Since very few people actually buy he heard news of the driver’s and 200 for Gunbuster. Nobody seems their hentai, instead streaming most of it incident. “What really blows to want to relive the nightmare of Neon ����� ...see Where’s the anime? on back ����� ������� ����� my mind is that it could’ve ����������������� been any of us.” Every day could be opposite day. The driver, Drew Radford, is

Or not. ��������������������� ������������������������������������������������������������ ������������������������������������������������������������� ������������������������������������������������������������������ ...see Screw candy! on back �������� US Beers ...Where’s the anime? from front Sunshine’s Searcher - US Beers online, many otaku have gone into hor- change the course of things to come ror shock, as the three videos they did for otaku and even casual enjoyers of download are all they have left. the Japanese animated arts. M S S H O C K T O P S A K C O B E L P I R T BIG BEAR MICHELOB BILLY BEER MICKEY’S T P O J R E G A L Y K C U L L S A V O D E T BLUE MOON MIDAS TOUCH Bible thumpers across the world are However, there is a shred of hope. B O L E H C I M W C O O O T A O H F I S E Y BREW KEEPER GOLDEN ELIXIR rejoicing, while otakus riot the streets, Though almost all of the anime torrent R E F E A H C S O T O L D V I E N N A Z B A BUDWEISER MILLER LITE shouting, “We want hentai!” Many servers were wiped out by the tsunami, E T B A T Z R R S E D T D R F M W E P B E I BUSCH NATIONAL BOHE- CHAMPALE MIAN people are calling the spectacle an there has been a massive surge of new W Z M C O C G E Q E L S B M A T T J S S R E embarrassment. Others are calling it a servers popping up on the west coast CLIX MALT LIQUOR OLDE ENGLISH 800 K L O V Y N T R E I T A Y L I E Y E M T C N COLT 45 OLD MILWAUKEE chance to cash in on some major prof- of the Japanese island as well as in E O I N I A E N O B B I R E U L B T S B A P DREWRY OLD VIENNA its. The sad news is that many Japanese America to service the flow of digital GENESEE Cream PABST BLUE RIBBON officials believe it may be weeks, or anime copies. Many wxperts believe E U O L V M G N O U Y U L O K E W G A T F R Ale PRIVATE STOCK years, before the market for anime and it will not be long until the entirety of P C L I N L S R Q M Q L T R T C M A I S L Y GOVERNATOR ALE RED DOG manga returns to normal, a time which anime’s long history is restored thanks E O R B I H H H A U M I L I E A I O U B A E GRAIN BELT RED WHITE & BLUE HALF ACRE BEER Beer many believe may totally and utterly to torrents. R P V S E H C X C I W O L I C L N M O K H E KENTUCKY COM- REISCH Q W H A K T S B H S N N C T B A L R O N E S MON Beer ROLLING ROCK P K D R E S I E W D U B A Y L P C I E E I E KEYSTONE SCHAEFER Duluth Hockey Road Trip! O Q R A R K E H E V K B E B K A B L M V I N KILLIAN’S SHOCK TOP LAND SHARK Lager SPOETZL S

T R Q E A B E R L W S G I O L I C M H U I O E LASER STAMPEDE LIGHT I N R W L H Y S P A D E H L N T K U X A B Y G LIONSHEAD ST. IDES F LONE STAR Beer TRIPLE BOCK S P D R E R S T A M P E D E L I G H T I A H R I LUCKY LAGER UTICA CLUB I T Y H M T D X L M M R I I I U M L N L H N M

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H N O W V W N O A A D M R H D S O N W T L K D Jeremy ‘Mr Sunshine’ Loucks C R I X I L E N E D L O G H C U O T S A D I M T

I ...Screw Candy! from front M being heldBIG at BEARthe Baraga County Maximum thought she was clever dressing her brood up in old sheets with the eyes cut Security Prison on 12 counts of vehicular BILLYmanslaughter, BEER 16 counts of assault out. It sure made covering the bodies up a lot easier when the cops arrived Daily Bull with the intent to cause bodily harm, leavingBLUE the sceneMOON of a crime, and steal- at the scene.” ing candy from a baby. His lawyers claim heBREW should KEEPER not be tried by reason of EDITOR IN CHIEF & BOSS MAN THE LITTLE COMP insanity. Authorities are at a loss of how to prevent further ghoul-induced panic attacks Nathan “Invincible” Miller EDITOR THAT COULD BUDWEISER Liz Fujita from occurring. With the awesome might of a vehicular weapon at their fin- FACULTY KNOW ONE THING BUSINESS BUSCH ADVISOR I’m king. GUY “GHOOOSSSTTTSSSS!!!!” screams Drew from his cell. “I saw them! They were gertips, there is little to stop others from succumbing to the urge to fight back David Animolson Ray Martens CHAMPALE Nathan “Invincible” Miller, Liz Fujita, Jeremy “Mr. Sunshine” Loucks, marching towards the gates of hell, with the souls of the living in their hands! against the ethereal menaces. Simon Mused, Ray Martens, John Pastore, Brett Jenkins, Matt Villa, CLIX MALT LIQUOR Mary Kennedy, Ruben Garcia, Kiri Kennedy, Mike Lennon, Hylinn Ahhh! They were so small… small enough to steal your heart right out from Taggart, Benjamin Loucks, Tyler Botbyl, Lauren Allen, Jon “Big-O” COLT 45 Mahan, Alec Hamer, Phil Pomber, Stephen Whittaker, Sam Schall and under your NOSE! Kill ‘em!” Says Vella, “Public awareness would be a good start, but once these people HORRIBLE HORRIBLE ANIME EYES. DREWRY think they’ve seen a ghost, it’s all over. Be it a real spirit or just a first-grader in ©2009 by the Daily Bull, a non-profit organization. All rights reserved. Articles may be freely distributed electronically or on late night talk shows provided GENESEE Cream Ale credit is given, and that this notice is included. The Daily Bull reserves the right 4 children remain in critical condition, with injuries varying from shattered limbs disguise, they either flee in terror or face their fears anyway they can. And if that to refuse any advertisements or guest articles without reason. All opinionated letters sent to the editor (on paper or to [email protected]) will be treated as to tootsie roll pop impalement. Radford wasGOVERNATOR caught after attempting ALE to drive means revving the engine and aiming straight for us, God help us all.” material to be published unless expressly stated otherwise by the sender. Original works printed in the Daily Bull remain the property of the creator, however the Daily Bull reserves the right to reprint any submissions in future his logging truck up Agate Street in pursuit GRAINof 7 unsuspecting BELT specters. issues unless specifically asked not to do so by the creator. If you keep reading this small text, you’ll lounge around in bed all morning. HALF ACRE BEER Wal*Mart has recalled its entire selection of Scream masks, ghoulish white face The Daily Bull would like to thank the Daily Bull for Houghton is ablaze with fury over the killings,KENTUCKY deemed “the COMMON worst holiday Beer di - paint, and Casper the Friendly Ghost costumes in an effort to prevent future buying our own damn printer that this publication is printed on. We would also like to thank the Stu- saster since St. Nick lost three reindeer duringKEYSTONE the ’72 blizzard.” Parents have slayings. dent Activity Fee for helping to pay for our paper called off any further trick-or-treating until they’re sure all types of costumed and toner costs. KILLIAN’S hooligans can safely roam the streets demandingLAND candy SHARK from strangers.Lager Radford will remain behind bars until his sentencing. He currently faces 60 Advertising inquiries, questions & years to life for his crimes with no chance of parole. Prosecutors and family comments should be directed to LASER “My son was lucky he was a pirate this year, or he could’ve been road kill just members are calling for him to be permanently incarcerated in the “haunted” [email protected] like the rest of those poor kids,” Ken says withLIONSHEAD a sigh of relief. “Poor ol’ Nancy east wing of the prison as punishment. LONE STAR Beer LUCKY LAGER MICHELOB MICKEY’S MIDAS TOUCH GOLDEN ELIXIR MILLER LITE NATIONAL BOHEMIAN OLDE ENGLISH 800 OLD MILWAUKEE