Plus1mag.Com Issue 10

P L U S 1 M A G . C O M I S S U E 1 0 FREE DECLARATION OF INTENT

PATRICK SWAYZE

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Art Director – Tim Whitlock [email protected] ANGELIQUE HOUTKAMP Photo Editor – Sam Ashley [email protected] ALL BY MYSELF: ONE MAN GOVERNMENTS Style Editor – Julian Ganio [email protected] Contributors – Stuart Hammond, Dave Bevan, Helen MICHAEL SIEBEN Martin, George Mitchell, Andy Tillet, Per Steinar Nielsen, Jo Waterhouse, Adrian Peskin, Tim & Barry, Sandy Carson, Eirik Traavik, Richard MacFarlane GIRLS & CORPSES JADE GOODY

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Design, production & scanning by: but would emphasise that we, the FACTORY MEDIA LTD. publishers, accept no responsibility Printed by: WYNDEHAM PRESS GROUP for any mistakes or omissions. please note that the opinions expressed in SMALL PRINT the articles are strictly those of © copyright FACTORY MEDIA ltd. all the authors. all advertisers have rights reserved, nothing in this submitted their own copy, therefore magazine [including adverts] may be the publishers cannot accept any reproduced in whole or part without responsibility for disputes between the express permission from the advertisers and their customers. publishers. we welcome contributions, their prices are their own affair, and photographs, stories, no problem, BUT nothing to do with us. CAN NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR Check our blog and download back SAFE RETURN, SOLICITED OR NOT. CAN’T FIND THE MAGAZINE? If you are having trouble finding +1 IMPORTANT NOTICE magazine, or would like to give it issues for free at plus1mag.com we have done our best to ensure away free in your store, please e-mail that all information is accurate, [email protected]

s , A r Cept In The Slammer

k a Spring Grafitti-inspired artist Cept’s exhibition Galaxy Rays will be the first to be

ure hanging on the wall’s of Bristol’s Long Arm Gallery. Housed in the CID E White T iger (Kenny), Selective I wing of Bridwell Police Station of all things, the gallery is just one of spaces acquired by the Steal From Work group in Bristol. Opening times, upcoming shows and their other projects can be found here: stealfromwork.org and Cept’s show runs until the 13th of March. raham/ aul G ondon ibility, © P 2007 ss allery, L s G allery, eynold himmer of po y A nthony R s ourte ntitled from a s C U Deutsche Börse

Fade To Grey In its thirteenth year, the Deutsche Girl Power Börse Photography Prize once again showcases the work of four very We had him in this very mag a while ago and lo and different photographers. In the running are A coffee table photography book containing images of the same daughter behold KEV GREY is back on our pages again as he’s Tod Papageorge, Emily Jacir, Paul Graham shot with various animals as she grows up may not sound like a must have just released a book packed with his signature black and (above) and Taryn Simon (top), but our vote purchase, but AMELIA’S WORLD BY ROBIN SCHWARTZ is just that. white illustrations. It’s 64 pages, has a foreward written goes to Taryn for her images of hitherto Beautiful and eerie, Robin explains the background to the book, ‘Animals are by our very own Jo Waterhouse and is well worth getting un-documented American institutions. not props in my photographs and are not ‘photo shopped’ in. Our world is your credit crunch proofed wallet out for. Ah the joy of Running until the 12th of April at the newly one where the line of who is a person and who is an animal overlaps and is nepotism! Available from selected bookshops, if you can’t reloacted Photographers Gallery, London, blurred”. Priced at £16.95 and available from Magma and all other good book find it in any of those, you can here: kevgrey.com there’s more at photonet.org.uk shops you can see more of the book at: robinschwartz.net EYES & EARS BLABAC PHOTO

Pye In A London Sky

If we had all the money in the world, or at least enough to be able to afford to eat a week after we’d been paid we’d make like Saatchi and snap up as many of the paintings of HARRY PYE as we possibly could. Showing a collection of his latest solo work at London’s Sartorial Gallery, ‘Getting Better’ is sure to grab an infantile grin from your amateur art critic face. On from the 25th of March until the 18th of April check out the rest of Harry’s laughter inducing work and the gallery’s opening times and location here: sartorialart.com

Danger! Poster Boy

Exhibiting for the first time in the UK, if we were you we’d go gawk at the stellar illustration and printmaking work of American artist Daniel Danger at the Richard Goodall Gallery, Manchester just as soon as we could. With his past work adorning the promotional materials for bands such as Modest Mouse, The Decemberists, The Pogues, Hot Hot Heat, Poison The Well, Built to Spill, Converge, Silver Jews, Grails, Nada Surf, The Rapture, Saves the Day, Minus the Bear, The Walkmen, The Arcade Fire you’ll be sure to see something you’d happily have hanging on a wall of yours. And you might even be able to afford it. You can get opening times and directions for the gallery at: richardgoodallgallery.com RYANSMITH 2.0 dcskateboarding.tv

_DCxx 205x265.indd 6 18/02/2009 16:26:57 EYES & EARS

Rising to the challenge, she grabbed his cardigan and leaped onto the bed. “I think it looks much better on me,” she teased.

Coming soon at ﬁ la.eu

Ride Em Donkeygirl

With a heavy sexual domination theme running through them Kirsty work is well worth checking out. Do feel free to type stolenspace.com on your Whiten’s latest collection of drawings and paintings entitled ‘Donkey Hostage’ keyboard to find out opening times etc, but if the sight of Kirsty’s work has urged are definitely doing it for us. Showing in Edinburgh on the 19th before going you to violently constrict your man immediately, please take care. Have a safe south to London’s Stolen Space for a week from the 26th the former ‘young word at least. Scottish artist of the year’ award winner’s playful and yet somewhat sinister

High Fidelity

Carve it on your forearm, Biro the back of your hand, sync your iCal, whatever the means make a note of the date, 18th of April, because it’s Record Store Day. Aimed at promoting the increasingly threatened institution, the independent record shop, the day will be part celebration and part a way to get your hands on some super limited records, only available on the day. A worthy cause indeed, the dude from Built To Spill explains why you should go, “The local record store is a cultural event. Every purchase you make , every day, every year, it is a rich cultural history in the making. Go down to your favorite shop and grab some coffee, a nice pastry and then head in to the record store for the ultimate recorded experience. Maybe see some friends. Next thing you know you just had a nice afternoon.” Taking place across the world a full list of UK shops taking part can be found here: recordstoreday.com Stockists: 01923 475600

FLA8053_DCxx 205x265.indd +1 Fila Magazine 2 AD 205x265_3.indd 1 27/02/20092/3/09 11:33:27 13:31 FINGERS & THUMBS

• In The Land Of Retinal Delights: The Juxtapoz Factor £26 Laguna Art Museum/Ginko Press The exhibition catalogue for the show of the same name, this is the perfect introduction into the world of American art magazine Juxtapoz. If you like modern contemporary art, buy this.

• GIRL Eric Koston • Sang Bleu Magazine £33 sangbleu.com £50 girlskateboards.com Granted it’s the wrong side of thirty quid, but this Bucking the graphical downturn within the skateboard industry Yellow Pages thick, black and white French tattoo with a seemingly endless stream of very amusing board graphics, magazine is both a master class in magazine layout doesn’t Koston look presidential? Don’t tell Shepard. and a perfect example of how to make a fairly niche subject accessible and visually appealing. And I’m not just referring to the semi-naked girls. Showing • SKULL CANDY skullcrushers headphones fashion mags how it should be done, this is ace. £60 skullcandy.co.uk If you want to channel the spirit of Jim Phillips’ seminal Santa Cruz artwork through your ears then these headphones are for you!

• Violate Camo rainbow print organic t-shirt £34 violateclothing.com A UK brand doing their thing with 100% organic cotton and a top-end build quality, if you want a tee whose print will alledgedly stay brighter longer, well, then this is for you. PWBC INDIGNATION BORN YESTERDAY Philip Roth Gordon Burn

We are fairly confident that you can Oh man we love Gordon Burn! This is a never really go wrong with a Philip Roth searing and brilliant and totally unique novel, and also implore the reading of take on the contemporary novel that (neurotic teen-wank weird-sex gag-fest) we urge all the brained and eyed to Portnoy’s Complaint, (terror-at-heart- consider reading. The eyeless should of-American-Dream-family fable) get it on audiobook. This is a cool-eyed American Pastoral and all of the (these and often really beautiful novelistic look brackets getting boring) AMAZINGLY at the news events that obsessed the GOOD ‘Zuckerman’ novels. Indignation, nation at the end of the summer of PALACE WAY WARD’S Roth’s most recent, is a really funny 2007. So: Tony Blair out, Gordon Brown and wonderfully short evocation of in, Maddy McCann gone, widespread a New Jersey Jewish kid’s keraaazy flooding, Celebrity Big Brother etc etc, college years, featuring the Korean all threaded together by the one of the War and butchery and blow-jobs and most underrated stylists currently at work larks like puking on important people in in British letters; a man who we rather inappropriate places. I lent this book to pompously like to refer to as ‘our Don BOOK CLUB agoraphobic pro-skateboarding legend DeLillo.’ Danny Brady and he really seemed to be getting a huge kick out of it, down there downstairs in his weed-fug. It sure is terrific.

Netherland THE LOUDEST SOUND Joseph O’Neill AND NOTHING Claire Wigfall MORE OF USUAL DRIVEL: “Kick off your Vans, undo the All we’re saying is the same thing that we’ve always said; that We won’t go on too much about this one, We love and command you to love this what with its already being touted by girl. This is a fantastic debut collection Richard & Judy’s IMITATIVE, GROSSLY of stories from a young writer who top button on that checked READING INFERIOR AND RIVAL-TILL-DEATH writes like a brilliant old writer. This is Book Club. What a beauty this novel good writing in the same way that David shirt and relax awhile, as and is though: a really sumptuously lyrical Gonzales and Jake Duncombe do good yarn about a depressed Dutch banker skateboarding: little young ripper comes SKATEBOARDING immersing himself in the bizarre and out killing it with some crazily gnarly we sneer this month’s book enchanting and sometimes thrillingly ramp-champ man-steez. Of course I’m dangerous world of New York City paraphrasing what the London Review of recommendations at you from are foremost in our agenda here. So it ever was, so it is now, and so shall it ever Cricket. There actually is one, apparently. Books said about it there. be, Document skate mag or no. These and no others are the activities we herein And it rips! promote, there being no others known to us higher or better for the spirit. We at our rickety tower of pointless the PWBC do not in any way advocate free-running or rollerblading or BMXing or riding a garishly painted fixed gear bike around in tiny backwards circles that literary snobbery with a seem a hilariously fitting symbol of your position in contemporary culture. The PWBC is a skate gang. Halfway through my typing this up, we went skateboarding bent” skateboarding at the new spot out the front of King’s, near our Palace in Waterloo. It hadn’t been skate-stoppered yet and Brady did a first-go line where he kickflipped the wavy wooden bench, 180 nose-bonked the curvy block and then switch crooked the high block at the end. All first go I shit you not. Rory o doubt you will all have noticed with total pant-shatting horror the Milanes tanked about killing it and backside flipped over the bench. A local PWBC page’s absence from the last issue of this magazine, an oversight tramp we call ‘Seventy Pence’ hung out with us for a while, wide-eyed drunk THE LATE BREATH Nfor which we would like to apologize wholeheartedly forthwith. We were and amazed and cheering, begging a few goes on our boards. Robbo did switch unable to even approach the typewriter because we were in mourning, frankly, wallies at harrowing speeds and the whole time we were there, Joey Crack wore HECTOR KIPLING Tim Winton for the untimely demise of Document Skateboarding Magazine: our official Best a white balaclava that made him look like a sort of scary gay snowboard terrorist David Thewliss British Skate Magazine in the History of British Skate Magazines Ever. We grew doing wallies out of the ramp we made from a street sign. Good times, anyways. up with Docco, pored over every page as skate-obsessed kids, made a bible of I’m just saying. This is another one that our Brady really Finally, Tim Winton’s totally radical recent it, actually learned stuff. This books column was always simultaneously published liked. It’s a really funny and horribly novel Breath takes the prize for our Best in Document, and the thought that a few discerning skate rats in the far-flung BACK TO ACTUAL POINT OF THIS COLUMN: gruesome romp through the cash- Novel About That Could Be Sort Of corners of Blighty might be taking in our literary recommendations has been So on to this issue’s books recommendations then. This month is a and-booze-and-drug-injected Brit Art About Skateboarding Though It Doesn’t one of the few things keeping us from going on a suicidal killing spree in Urban CONTEMPORARY FICTION ROUND-UP SPECIAL, where essentially we just world of the nineties: woo hoo! Hector Have Any Actual Skateboarding In It, Outfitters for most of this last year. tell you the few books that we’ve recently read and really enjoyed that have is from Blackpool but he’s gone and 2008. It’s a simple and lethally effective actually been recent. Unlike a lot of the other suggestions we’ve made in these made a splash in London (see ‘why coming-of-age story about boys surfing AND THEN THERE WAS (PLUS) ONE: pages, all of the following were published in 2008 or 2009 and ought to be Brady particularly likes this one’), and he man-waves in arse-end-of-nowhere So now we’re down to +1 magazine, here in your hands just now like. Which easily available in any good local bookshop or library, God/Gonz willing… narrates this novel in a really hilarious Australia in the seventies. Its narrator, is totally fine with us! Only a little bit of a bummer in a sense because now, interior monologue that reveals his banned from the treacherous local reader, you’re less likely to be an actual skateboarder and slightly more likely FINAL WORD: incessant stream of petty arty neuroses waters by his parents, recalls his illicit to be someone who picked this up in a jazzy streetwear shop or the pub or a Next month: PWBC’s very own Oliver Todd blows Scott Bourne out of the water and recounts some truly black-as-night- forays into a totally tubular and turtally hairdressers and who doesn’t even know what a benihana is. It’s a skate trick with Down Like Rain; a collection of poems by a professional skateboarder terrible events. I mean we’re talking good terrifying wave-shredding adolescence, you complete fucking waste of space! that differ from Bourne’s in that they’re actually good. Try and contain your old fashioned stabbing-to-death and also taking in a few deeply harrowing excitement. hanging and shooting and puke-shit- bouts of asphyxiation-aided sex along Only kidding. We love jazzy streetwear shops and the pub and the hairdressers piss-blood-everywhere stuff here. Good the way. What could be better? You can and that, and all the wonderful people who frequent them. So welcome to you THE END. old ‘the art world’ eh? Always a blast. draw the skateboarding analogy out of all! Kick off your Vans, undo the top button on that checked shirt and relax the following edited passage – actually awhile, as we sneer this month’s book recommendations at you from our rickety about surfing of course - yourselves. tower of pointless literary snobbery with a skateboarding bent: [email protected] Man this is a really cool book. REVIEWS

Black Lips – 200MillionThousand Wino – Punctuated Equilibrium [Vice] [Southern Lord] While this sounds a little chunkier than its predessor it’s definitely a case Back on his own after the break-up of The Hidden Hand, Wino should of if it ain’t broke don’t fix etc, etc, from arguably the most exciting band on throw his phone away and draw the curtains from now on as this is his any planet right now. Maybe India will let them back in if they listen to this. best work by a bluesy stoner rock mile. An album worthy of his notoriety. myspace.com/theblacklips myspace.com/winoschopper

Dälek – Gutter Tactics Omar Rodriguez Lopez – Old Money [Ipecac] [Stones Throw] Newark’s shoulder slumpingly heavy duo return with eleven apocalyptic If you’re brave or mad enough here we have an instrumental album of tracks of genre-annihilating hip hop. Listening to this makes those blistering prog rock guitar noodling from the former At The Drive-In man. treasured Company Flow 12s of yours sound like Jurassic 5. Brutal. As you’d expect it’s relentless and absolutely fucking demented. myspace.com/dalek myspace.com/omarrodriguezquintet

Arbouretum – Song Of The Pearl Enablers – Tundra [Thrill Jockey] [Exile On Mainstream] The third album from this uplifting American quartet is the guitar driven Coming with another chapter of somber, spoken word narratives cast adrift ‘folk’ album you’ve been waiting all this time for. Fusing hymn like vocals over brooding Karate-esque free jazz, The Enablers have produced yet with almost monastic repetition of melody gets the job done folksters. another album of heartbreaking and inspirational work. Exceptional. myspace.com/arbouretum myspace.com/enablers

Dieter Schöön – Lablaza Mountains – Choral [Headspin] [Thrill Jockey] This Swede’s debut effort is a glorious mixture of forceful electronics, Electronics, field recordings and numerous acoustic instruments are Tijuana brass, brooding Depeche Mode atmospherics and Scandinavian the tools employed by this American duo who often make the kind of intonated Beck-like vocals. Unconsciously odd, but a real find. escalating mong out music that may, or may not, have Brian Eno’s lawyers myspace.com/dieterschoon on the phone. We really like it though and ‘Map Table’ is epic. myspace.com/apestaartjemountains

AMG Plus1 Half pg Comp 13/2/09 14:08 Page 1

Academy Events present

AN ACADEMY EVENTS, SJM CONCERTS AND MCD CONCERTS PRESENTATION BY ARRANGEMENT WITH DESTINY TOUR BOOKING

Various Artists Here We Go Magic Rose For Bohdan Blackout Beach Mi Ami plus guests Dark Was The Night Here We Go Magic There It Is, The Creeping Skin of Evil Watersports [4AD] [Western Vinyl] Moral Decay of the Past [Soft Abuse] [Touch & Go] Thousand Years MARCH [Deathbomb Arc] 28 BRISTOL 02 ACADEMY 2 0844 477 2000 Produced in conjunction with There’s something terrifically I got kinda sick of all that Given former band Black international Aids charity the Deerhuntery/Animal Canadian indie rock stuff Eyes’ (one third of Mi Ami’s 29 BIRMINGHAM 02 ACADEMY 2 0844 477 2000 Red Hot Organization this Colectivey/Grizzly Bear-like Foot Village love to explore (Frog Eyes, Wolf Parade previous band) propensity 30 SHEFFIELD CORPORATION 0114 276 0262 thirty-two track compilation about a lot of the stuff on the innately ridiculous array et al) in all it’s ugly/pretty towards the fucking violent 31 DERBY ROCKHOUSE 01332 209 236 essentially reads like a this new record, particularly of human qualities and here grandeur but this new record and Mi Ami’s previous hipster indie kid’s ‘most a track like ‘Tunnelvision’, lit on the new release from from Carey Mercer (of Frog EPs frenetic and crazed/ APRIL played’ playlist. Featuring the as it is by a kind of dappled Rose For Bohdan (the band Eyes) is pretty evocative haunted tropics, Watersports 01 MANCHESTER POP BUBBLE ROCK @ MOHO LIVE 0871 424 0047 likes of Beirut, Bon Iver, the Autumnal tree light. Here We in which a couple of their and lush, finding most of its comparatively is pretty 02 NEWCASTLE 02 ACADEMY 2 0844 477 2000 Arcade Fire, Iron & Wine, Go Magic are from Brooklyn members were in before Foot success in more free noisey chill. Channeling punk and Spoon, Sufjan Stevens, Cat and play wistful pop with a Village came along and took instrumentation that keeps noise and free jazz through 03 EDINBURGH STUDIO 24 0131 220 3234 Power, My Morning Jacket, gritty edge and a particular up all their time) they mine its dark expressionism real. sweaty dance clubs, it’s all 05 OXFORD 02 ACADEMY 2 0844 477 2000 The Decemberists and many sort of haze. Paddled by similarly convulsive punk and Really though, it’s pretty multirhythms and screams 06 LONDON 02 ACADEMY ISLINGTON 0844 477 2000 more I can’t be bothered a skewed metronome, grunge territories. Packed ridiculous in it’s deep mined backed with plodding bass listing, the standouts acoustic plods and weird with guitars and screams, emotion and honesty (pretty beats and lighter tribally ALSO AVAILABLE ONLINE: WWW.TICKETWEB.CO.UK tracks are arguably the mushroomy tones that keep the latter of which there dramatic, bro) but he gets percussion. it’s actually fairly QUICK THE WORD, SHARP THE ACTION collaborations. Feist and Ben the etherealism from coming is a lot of, shouting about away with it because of restrained compared to RE-RELEASED ON MARCH 30th 2009 Gibbard’s ‘Train Song’, The off overly cinematic, this is cable television and going to the distinctive narrative and their past stuff with a new Books and Jose Gonzalez’ particularly evident on the school, smoking weed, riding wildy adventurous theatrics. interest in dub vibes (fucking hundredreasons.com • myspace.com/hundredreasons PLUS ‘Cello Song’ and Gillian Welch last few tracks which drift off bikes and not being racist, He uses a massive range of awesome). The result is still TS AN ACADEMY EVENTS PRESENTATION * GUES and Conor Oberst’s stab into lush free noise. Super all in a half-faux act of self- instruments and sounds to frenzied; this minimal and BY ARRANGEMENT WITH HELTER SKELTER APRIL MAY at re-working his song Lua oakey pop with a real eye for reference, it’s all pretty sweet. shroud that hamfisted forlorn murky kind of punk that 24 BIRMINGHAM O2 ACADEMY 01 CARDIFF are worth picking this up for oblique melodies and spaces. A coloured cacophony made voice of his. I think this is a moves at this scruffy medium 25 DUBLIN UNIVERSITY GREAT HALL alone, and that’s ignoring the up of bundled distortion, rock opera, or, what a rock pace, real mechanical but OLYMPIA THEATRE 0871 2200 260 / .GIGSANDTOURS.COM unremitting quality of the rest myspace.com/ skittered drums, gnarled riffs opera would sound like it if it also super organic/jungley 0818 719 300 / WWW.TICKETMASTER.IE 02 O2 SHEPHERDS BUSH of it, and the fact that the herewegomagic stabbed out with a wild kind was made with good music. and slightly scary because of 28 NEWCASTLE O2 ACADEMY 03 EMPIRE LONDON profits go to a good cause. of glee. this wide-eyed sexuality that Do yourself and numerous myspace.com/ comes out of it all. 29 LEEDS O2 ACADEMY * (SNUFF - LONDON & BIRMINGHAM ONLY) others a favor and buy this. myspace.com/ blackoutbeach ALL OTHER TICKETS AVAILABLE AT: 0844 477 2000/ TICKETWEB.CO.UK roseforbohdan myspace.com/ 4ad.com miamiamiami PROJECTIONS FROM THE REAR by Andy Tillet The Class Director: Laurent Cantet

The Class puts us in familiar territory with Originally Claire says she set out to become a ballet dancer. Missing out on its ‘teacher tasked with reaching out to most of school, she found her way into a dance performance troupe, sparking the disaffected, poor, urban teenage class’ her interest in direction. Money was tight though, so at 16 she blagged a job scenario. However, thankfully, Dangerous as a journalist by covering for a friend, writing about the local music scene. Minds it ain’t. Set in an inner city Parisian This progressed into managing bands and DJs, and becoming a well known classroom, The Class ticks all the boxes personality on the local circuit. She says, ‘I was running all these three things, for a credible left-wing indie production: but at the same time I had a huge fascination with drugs and I was getting more ongoing social commentary, fast-paced and more into that. I went to a couple of rehabs and when I came out I realised dialogue and (the surely now standard) I wanted to study film so I went to Cape Town and enrolled there’. Her first non-actors who shine in front of the short series, called Solid Waste: The Video Diaries gained her a scholarship and camera, but it also manages to be more before long she moved to Europe which is where she managed to gain inroads than the sum of its artystylistic parts. to the same production company as legendary Danish director Lars Von Trier. It was through these relationships that she managed to secure the all-important Ethnic tension and misrepresentation are massive issues in modern funding for her film. France - a country where the kids are not afraid to riot, putting much weight on The Class to get it right. Thankfully Francois Begaudeau, a While My Little Black Heart is a wall-to-wall tale of grit and hurt, it is beautifully former teacher and the film’s writer, is well qualified for the job, and wisely intertwined and executed, lyrical and fast paced, its tragedies captured stylishly bases the plot on his own experiences. It is Begaudeau’s enlivened and and respectfully. This is in no small part due to the involvement of Anthony devastating performance, as he clashes with students and teaching staff Dod Mantle, cinematographer behind Slumdog Millionaire and The Last King of alike, that brings a real grace to the film. In fact, The Class starts almost as Scotland, who has also worked on most of Von Trier’s films. With him helping a documentary, with the tension building, hardly noticeably throughout most secure confidence from European backers the film took on a life outside its of the film, to a swirling climax. You’ll never view the classroom in the same writer’s head to become a full-blown feature. way again. As essential as Boyz N The Hood.

However the path to celluloid was rocky, and shortly before filming the actress meant to star in the film, who had trained for the part for months, dropped out The Good, The Bad, The Weird leaving Claire as the only person who could replace her as the lead character. Dir: Ji-Woon Kim She overcame her nerves and inhibitions to play the role and when the final result was premiered in South Africa it nearly sparked a riot. ‘The second time it I admit the prospect of a Korean homage was ever shown was at the Musgrave centre here in Durban. It sold out, which to spaghetti westerns doesn’t sound was wonderful, but there was over 100 people who didn’t have ticket and still great. Watching The Good, The Bad, The wanted to watch it because it was only being screened once,’ says Claire. ‘So Weird, however, you realise what a genius when the doors opened they just pushed in and sat down. Nobody would move, concept it actually is. It’s a Korean action they were sitting on the stairs, on the floor everywhere. Everybody refused and film for God’s sake, hardly 30 seconds can was just holding up their money, anything, to just see the film. It was amazing. go by without someone kicking the crap It’s obviously speaking to the youth market, which is really cool – that’s who out of somebody or getting blown up. OK, I want to be reaching – and obviously there’s a big gap for films like this and so the plot won’t win any awards, three more films like it.’ characters who personify their nicknames: Park Do-won (The Good), his nemesis Park While a youthful market of consumers may exist, funding is a whole different Chang-yi (The Bad) and Yoon Tae-goo story. Anything even slightly controversial is completely closed off from (The Weird), fight it out over a map leading to an ancient treasure, but this government investment. Claire may be breaking out of the country now, but is all the better, you can just sit back and enjoy the ride. under her there’s many decent film-makers taking things into their own hands. One such man is director, musician, writer and general renaissance man, Aryan With razor-sharp direction, even sharper costuming and the best men’s “My main problem with drugs films is they normally end up with Kaganof, who has produced excellent documentaries, such as Western 433, the haircuts I’ve ever seen, the action never stops, taking in rooftop shootouts, first film made about German concentration camps in Namibia in 1906 along horse chases to train wrecks. Indeed, every cowboy cliché is exploited with numerous music videos and features about Africa. Aryan says, ‘if you want shamelessly, but the film is executed smoothly and is all the better for its someone in rehab and it’s all about how they make it clean and to make a movie in SA and get funding it’s usually got to be about HIV. It’s great brash performances. A perfect antidote to tosh like Brokeback Mountain these films get made, but there is a huge body of work made about issues and a brilliant reminder of how fun westerns can actually be. everything, like Drugstore Cowboy and films like that… But my point because that’s what, for example, NGOs want to see coming from Africa.’

is, it’s not really like that for most people” Born and raised in Johannesburg, Aryan left the country during Apartheid for Three Monkeys asylum in Europe, and studied film in Amsterdam. He returned to Africa in 1999, Dir: Nuri Bilge Ceylan where he says he felt much more inspired, but at the same time frustrated with o the casual city visitor, South Africa is an easygoing, well developed Drugs aren’t a social taboo but South Africa’s ruling MDC government aren’t the apathy in the scene. Then he hit upon a genius idea. This Turkish drama tells of a family’s country full of epic scenery, fine wines and good surf, where even a keen on showing them in films produced by the country, but My Black Little struggle in the face of power, money, Tmodest family can afford a nice house with a pool. But it doesn’t take too Heart takes things much further, tackling issues suppressed in other films ‘I made a film called SMS Sugarman in 2005, the first film ever to be entirely greed and sacrifice. The family, father much walking around to figure out you’re not getting the whole story. Most of such as rape, HIV, suicide and poverty. Filtered through the eyes of two girls shot on mobile phones. I was a punk as a kid, and for me movie making was Eyup, son Ismail and mother Hacer, are the population lives on the wrong side of the electric fences, barbed wire and battling through Durban’s seedier districts, Chloe and her best friend Katie, their never just about high values, but how can you own and control the stories you disrupted by Eyup’s politician employer, signs warning of armed response units on compounds. For many, the underhand relationship is always at the heart of the film (black as it is) and the storyline is tell,’ he says. ‘Everybody wanted other people to give them money to make their who convinces him to take the rap for businesses of drugs, rape, murder, corruption and hustle are a daily business. really a coming of age friendship/love-story drama. film. Why should they? So I decided to use a medium that tells narrative but a hit and run charge, promising a lump doesn’t cost even a thousand of a normal film’. sum payment when he gets out of prison. Life on the streets is particularly tough in the richest country in Africa, also Meeting Claire, who wrote, directed and stars in the film in Durban, her As the unemployed son and his mother known to many as the murder capital of the continent. It is a place where people hometown, she presents a small but energetic, fast talking girl of 31, In creating SMS Sugarman, Aryan showed how easy it was for people to gain remain, they both start getting muddled up hope they get carjacked by a professional, as a jerky young buck is likely to constantly smoking and swearing in an accent veering between her native access to film making, essentially, pre-empting Youtube. ‘I believed there would in the wrong sort of business, with tension be more trigger happy, somewhere people really are prepared to murder for tongue and a more European, sometimes slightly American lilt. Her arms are be a whole generation of kids that would grow up and not be burdened by the building to a head after Eyup is released. pocket change. And a common tourist misconception is that the poor and tattooed with an Ouroboros and Dante’s first glimpse of the Eighth Ring of whole history of film aesthetics and what makes a good and a bad shot and underprivileged group who have to resort to such a means to an end doesn’t Hell, among other designs. She wears big, dark glasses, but takes them off haven’t been to the academy. People telling it like they see it.’ But as we now Three Monkeys is mostly set inside small rooms and characters are is exclusively black. It isn’t. Strangely, there have been no great statements when speaking. And when she talks, like her film, it’s both stark and very frank. know, this generation exists, and we also know once you hand everybody a frequently portrayed in tight shots, so close you can nearly smell their sweat documenting life on this wrong side of the tracks in SA, though one girl, Claire camera it quickly becomes apparent why most people shouldn’t have one. Aryan and see every emotional nuance. This closeness often feels intrusive, but is Angelique, is planning to change all that. She’s bringing her hard hitting semi- ‘My main problem with drugs films is they normally end up with someone in adds, ‘I guess we get the media culture we deserve. The exponential rise in also key to understanding the characters’ plight and anguish. autobiographical debut film about drug running, Internet porn, ritualism, rape and rehab and it’s all about how they make it clean and everything, like Drugstore quantity of homemade videos hasn’t lead to anywhere near as proportional a murder, My Black Little Heart, to Europe this spring. Cowboy and films like that… But my point is, it’s not really like that for most rate in quality work. But I guess that’s a perfect metaphor for who we are and Tackling innocence and blame in modern Turkish society in a stark people,’ she says. While My Black Little Heart’s plot may appear overtly what we do as a civilisation,’ he muses. and poignant way while some domestic commentary may be missed, ‘The film is there to show the bad sides of life and the city here and I wanted it dramatic, Claire is deadly serious when she talks about its plausibility. Having the emotional pleas it makes and the twists of the story are engaging to show the reason why people do bad things,’ says Claire. ‘Heroin is a way poor run for drug gangs, experimented as a webcam porno performer and been a My Black Little Heart will be shown on mainland Europe in April and enough for it to have wider appeal. However, while it is testament to white youth alleviate their problems. I wanted to show just how far you can go heroin user herself, she is well qualified to tell the stories in the film. Though in London and Bristol in May. director Ceylan’s skill in creating an engaging drama utilising no music, and use two girls who are teenagers, who look cute and wide-eyed – who make fictionalised, many of the themes, events and characters are based on her own few locations, less than ten characters and not one conventional shot of you think why?’ experiences and those of her friends. Aryan Kaganof’s work can be seen at kaganof.com Istanbul, it is a film that requires effort and patience to take in. stopped by the cemetery on the way to Nabila’s house to pick her some daffodils, for they are currently in full bloom and the ritual of picking and Igiving flowers is one of life’s abundant slight pleasures. As is spending HILL BOMBS some time diggin’ the scene at the graveyard, perched atop the city with all her life there within, curling away from you downhill, as smoke or a gentle stream below. I laid my skateboard to one side and plucked a handsome yellow bunch sprouting from some ancient grave, the centuries old stone and the rotting bones below proving little resistance to the relentless march of nature. As one &DAFFODILS thing dies another thing grows, winter becoming spring, so it goes. Flowers in hand and full of the joys of the season I left those in perpetual slumber to just that and pushed off down the hill. There are some good slopes round here, Words: Dave Bevan it’s hardly S.F. but they all have their place in the scheme of things. Shooting Illustration: George Mitchell along into oncoming traffic, daffs flailing in the breeze of acceleration I felt like both Sean Young and Morrissey simultaneously, which given as they’re both practically gods in my world, felt pretty tidy. But the illusions of Gladioli grandeur were swiftly shattered as I skidded around a corner straight into a local mob of gobshites. The obligatory faux-kicks, clotheslines and other WWF moves were simulated and the insults and stale cakes rained down like a summer shower. I felt the breeze as a Chelsea bun sailed past my left ear and then I was gone…

Normal service resumed. p

SP_SB-CSDarylRight.indd_DCxx 205x265.indd 1 1 2/3/092/3/09 11:39:5310:31:58 JUMPSTART SPRING 2009: HL-JEANS.COM

_DCxx 205x265.indd 2 18/02/2009 16:26:53 _DCxx 205x265.indd 4 18/02/2009 16:26:55 “The people who get outraged about it are just people that don’t really understand the lifestyle. They’re not living in that life, so they get upset because they think that I’m exaggerating or whatever. But they’ve never seen even half of the stuff I’m talking about, you know? They can’t understand stuff like that. They’ve never seen someone just jump out of a car and start spraying a gun”

Interview: Stuart Hammond Photography: Tim & Barry The cool guy status of UK hip-hop has been in such a tight spot for so long now*. Since the millennial invention of grime music – the most innovative, sonically bananas and totally brilliant sound to have ever emerged from black Britain ever – the relevance and fashionability of its UK rap big brother sort of fell off for a while. I mean Roots Manuva was always just about cool, but such an idiosyncratic kook, that he’s really been out there on his own the whole time. Who else, outside of Dizzy and Wiley and the grime scene, has ever got wide acclaim for British rapping and actually been really any good at it? Estelle? Oh man I’m laughing at that so much I just shot snot all over this keyboard. Now, thanks in large part to Giggs, that’s all change. Giggs makes gangster music. It has much more in common with American gangster rap music than anything British hip-hop has ever produced. In Atlanta last year he won the Black Entertainment Television (BET) Award for Best British Act. Over here, completely independently, he’s sold 20,000 copies of his debut album Walk in Da Park, out now on his SN1 record label. A lot of people in London say he’s the best rapper out for ages.

*[Note to Editors: insert apology here for never covering any British hip hop ever] iggs has a grassroots street following in London that’s so enormous even white middle class adults can’t avoid it, particularly if they traveled on a bus in South London in 2008, where his music was played really loud out of a lot of young people’s phones. Giggs came to prominence on the back of a freestyle over a Dr Dre beat; a nameless, sort of bootlegged track that got massive on the buses and on pirate radio and Westwood and all that. In it he raps a lot about guns, particularly handguns; about having a lot of them and shooting them and people getting killed and stuff. The other overriding theme in there is drug dealing; its many technicalities and good and bad ramifications. All this is relayed in a hypnotically laid-back, deep-low rhythmic drawl that’s thick with impenetrable slang and is really adroit and witty. It’s the fucking coolest! By that I mean; this music provokes and engages with the culture in a way that practically nothing else around now could ever come close to doing. He didn’t really want to talk about it too much in this interview, but Giggs has a shady past that seems to involve some crime and an involvement with the Peckham Boys gang. He’s from Peckham, in South London, and he and his pals, like grizzled old Vietnam vets, refer to it as ‘Peck’nam’. How can you not love stuff like that? We met up with Giggs at a bowling alley in a huge dark wind-blown Leisure Park in Surrey Quays, South London. He was with a carload of boys and they all were very nice and very polite and they had rolls of money in clips and wouldn’t let us pay for any of the brandy and cokes. Also; when Giggs talks in conversation it comes out in a register so low and so quiet that we fell off our chair twelve times during this interview craning forward trying to hear him.

I wanted to start by asking you what sort of music you’re into. Do you Like what; [Wiley’s] ‘Wearing My Rolex’ or something? like grime? Yeah that’s [pause, screwface]…alright I s’pose. I just like listening to something Well I don’t make grime; I do rap music, get me? Obviously I listen to American I can feel, get me? I like things that relate to me. I’m not gonna be going on like; rap. I like [Young] Jeezy a lot. His style’s deep. Cassidy too. ‘I’m a millionaire, I got a mansion and shit.’ Sometimes I just gotta say it like; ‘I’m broke today’ you know what I’m saying? ‘I ain’t got no money! I’m pissed off!’ Do you like Lil Wayne? It’s a everyday thing, and I think people hear it and feel like they’re not the only He’s alright. person going through things.

You’re not crazy about him like the rest of the world? But what about hip hop’s obsession with accumulating wealth; are Naa. Not really. He’s just…alright. I don’t listen to him that much. you not trying to get rich off of rap music? Of course I am man. That’s my way out, you get me? And hopefully it can be the What about Dipset? way out for a lot of other people, you see what I’m trying to say? And for people They alright. around them other people.

Clipse? So you put out your album ‘Walk in the Park’ yourself? No not Clipse. Not really. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s on SN1 records.

What about, um, Jay-Z? Is it easier to make money out of making and distributing your own He’s alright. I’m more into that down south sound. Like Master P and Jeezy and records than it is to make money out of hustling and selling drugs? shit. If someone’s good, I’ll listen. I just grew up listening to the man dem in the Well like if you put all your effort into it, if you’re serious about it, and you do hood; people around me and that. There’s a load of other rappers that are heavy, the job right, then that’s a good look, you get me? I’ve sold a good amount of who just haven’t surfaced yet. Like my own people; all the SN1 rappers, and my record; like about 20,000 so far. It’s in HMV, Zavvi, all good record stores. then other people from other ends. Most of the time I just listen to SN1, still. But there’s a lot of people don’t even know I got an album. If I had some of the promotion and marketing that other acts get, then maybe it’d be different. But I I like the idea of hip hop as a sort of folk music; made by a people, get a lot of black-balling. A lot of people are against me because not everyone speaking very specifically to that people… agrees with what I’m talking about. But it’s just stuff that’s really happening, you Well in my music I just talk about what’s happening around me, stuff I’ve been see what I’m trying to say? through and that. Sometimes I’ll go through something in the day and I’ll just make a quick rap about it afterwards, get me? As long as I’m living I will always Stuff that was happening already you mean? Drugs were being sold have something to rhyme about. and people were being shot and stabbed in South London for a long time before you started rapping about it weren’t they? Are you sure you don’t like grime music that much? All that mental Of course, of course. I mean I’ve got songs where I say that the life we’re clattery sound and the dubstep and electro and house and all that? living is bullshit and blah blah blah, you get me? But I don’t even really glorify Na I can’t really fuck with that. I don’t listen to it. I just make gangster music the lifestyle anyway, I just talk about it. I don’t say ‘Yeah it’s great to shoot really, get me? I’m into gangster shit. Don’t get me wrong, if one of them lot someone or bust your gun or sell drugs’ and all that. I’m just saying; that’s some makes a banger, and I like the sound of it, then I’ll listen to it. people’s way of living innit. Some people do it to survive, you understand? I’m What if a major label offered you loads of money to make a more commercial-sounding album? Would you tone down the drug and gun references, or are you completely committed to being offensive and never selling out? I’d take the money and just do the album anyway, still!

Does your master plan involve trying to break America? Yeah. And I’m getting love out in America, still. I went to Atlanta and did a track with Screw. I met loads of Jeezy’s affiliates and that. When I go back there I’m just going to keep trying to make the links that make things happen. It’s more open-minded out there, you get me?

I don’t want to piss on your parade but hardly any British rappers ever really make it anywhere in America do they? Yeah but it’s starting to happen, still. I won the BET award for best UK act. People don’t even know about it over here, this is all stuff to do with the blackballing I was talking about. Certain people don’t want everyone to know about it, they try and play it down, keep me down. Like you know BBC 1Xtra? They’re the BET’s voice in this country, to let you know this kind of stuff, but 1Xtra and the BBC are obviously against me and they don’t want people to know anything about me.

But I’ve heard you on Westwood’s BBC show. That’s them supporting you isn’t it? Yeah but that’s off his own back innit. Westwood’s got power, still. BBC 1Xtra’s supposed to be the place where the BET get to air their views through. But when I won the BET award for best UK, because it’s me that won it, they kept it quiet, you get me?

So is that down to some sort of moral disapproval about the content of your lyrics? What it is is; I’m a crim-…well they think I’m a criminal and blah blah blah. My lifestyle, the rumours they hear about me, get me? Rumours they can’t even support. I think they got information about me from [London anti gun crime campaign] Trident about gun crime and me, about me being one of the main members of the Peckham Boys, about a lot of bad things that have happened and that. So basically they’re saying that I’m a real big problem in the underworld, I’m really doing this, and there’s no way they’re gonna promote that.

So are you making a point of trying to retreat from that world and concentrate on music now? “If I was living at the fucking Obviously. I’m doing something positive now. I’m not doing crime no more; I’m doing music. That’s my way out now. But the way some of these people like the BBC are dealing with me, the way they’re other end of the rainbow with trying to shut me down everywhere, it’s like they just want me to return to that innit. a pot of gold, I’d rap about it, Have you been playing many live shows? Yeah I been playing shows all over the place; Nottingham, Leicester, Bristol, getting mad love, still. People singing everything word for you get me? But I’m not” word; it’s crazy. It’s mad how many people I know say you’re the best rapper going, but you don’t really have a crazily tech style not saying it’s a good thing, it’s just the way it is. I just try and say it in a or anything. nice detailed way, so it sounds good on beats, you see what I’m trying Yeah that tech style’s some grime shit, get me? I just try and break to say? The people who get outraged about it are just people that don’t it down. When I rap, it’s like I’m trying to explain something, explain really understand the lifestyle. They’re not living in that life, so they get it, see what I’m trying to say? upset because they think that I’m exaggerating or whatever. But they’ve never seen even half of the stuff I’m talking about, you know? They can’t Also I like that ‘Hollowman’ nickname of yours, by the way. understand that stuff. They’ve never seen someone just jump out of a car Did you get that from that T. S. Eliot poem ‘The Hollow and start spraying a gun. Men?’ I love that one! No. I’ve never heard of him. Do you look at it like; it would be outrageous for you not to talk about that sort of stuff? Fair enough. Just to finish up then; in that ‘Talking the That’s what I’m saying! Give me a positive lifestyle and I’ll talk about it. If I Hardest’ freestyle that was so huge, you definitely say at was living at the fucking other end of the rainbow with a pot of gold and one point that you ‘weigh the eighths at about four grams.’ that, I’d rap about it, you get me? But I’m not. Also there’s songs on the Have you got one of those to shot now? album, like ‘Bring a Message Back’ and ‘You Raised Me’, where I’m talking Na you can only get that in the hood, still. positive too. The first song on the album talks about how fed up I am of living this lifestyle. It’s not glorifying anything. I’m just trying to say that me doing this music; it’s turning a negative lifestyle into a positive thing. myspace.com/trapstargiggs JASON DILL OLIVER BARTON PHOTO. [email protected]

_DCxx 205x265.indd 14 18/02/2009 16:27:04 ANGELIQUE HOUTKAMP “I am very drawn to a sort of mystery, cynicism and melancholy and I’ll put that in my paintings. I don’t want to make just a pretty girl’s face; I want people to slightly wonder if her expression is a good or a bad thing”

Interview: Jo Waterhouse

Dutch artist and tattooist Angelique Houtkamp is based in Amsterdam where she tattoos at Admiraal Tattoo studio along with selling her artwork through her website salonserpent.com. Inspired by classic tattoo flash techniques and imagery, the sultry, glamorous ladies in her work are every bit as glamorous as Angelique herself. She’s exhibited her work extensively around the world, and 2009 is set to be no exception.

You haven’t had any sort of art schooling right? What do you love about tattooing? No, I didn’t. I think it’s a good thing, cause I got to figure everything out by I really like the atmosphere of a tattoo studio, there is something about it that I myself and if I would have gone to art school I might have absorbed too much can’t explain. Working with a client to make them a great design can be really dogma. I always drew throughout my life in spurts; sometimes not for months rewarding, even if it’s as simple as a banner with a name. I love the fact that and then a lot, but the moment I started tattooing I was sold. I drew everyday, I’m working in a traditional profession, putting marks on people that come from copying old tattoo flash, trying to understand what I liked about it and how to basic human emotions. translate it into my own drawings. Is there anything you dislike about it? What did you do before becoming at tattooist? Sometimes working with a client can be awful if you don’t connect and you don’t All sorts of jobs: working in bars, as a seamstress, a goldsmith, administrative understand each other. I have gotten better at not letting it go into that direction work, and I worked as a piercer. over the years. The worst thing is that skin can behave badly sometimes with getting tattooed, some people have wonderful skin to get tattooed and some When did you know you wanted to become a tattooist? people’s skin just won’t have it. After I got my first tattoo and I sort of decided that I wanted to be a tattooer. But it was a little bit more difficult than I anticipated and after 2 years I kinda How would you describe your personal artwork? gave up. In the following years I got to know more and more tattooers. Living in Old school tattoo, with a humorous vintage, melancholic feel. Very tattoo Amsterdam was pretty great then, it is such an appealing city for foreigners that influenced for sure. The past year or two I feel I’ve also been drawn a lot to so many tattooers from all over the world come to work and visit. It wasn’t until other styles and I’ve been mixing it with the tattoo style. The thing with the I was 30 years old and I was without a job and any idea of what I was going to tattoo style is that it’s not so much the subjects I choose, but it’s the way you do next, that I thought that this would be a good time to give it another go. execute it. Tattoo flash in the old days was done a certain way, that is, bold lines, heavy, simple shading and a minimum of colour, leaving a lot of skin. This was because it’s a fast way to make a tattoo and it would last and look good for a very long time, no flimsy details that would fade over time. I love that style, it’s simple and strong, although I can add a bit more detail “The cool thing about on canvas and paper. This is the way I approach all my paintings. It’s all done in that tattoo style, some a bit bolder than others, but it’s actually painting is that you can only the way I execute it that makes it ‘tattoo’. I am very drawn to a sort of mystery, cynicism and melancholy and I’ll put that in my paintings. I don’t want to make just a pretty girl’s face; I want people to slightly make whatever you want wonder if her expression is a good or a bad thing. without having to make What tools, and mediums do you prefer to work with? I work with ink and watercolor on paper. Real hairbrushes are essential, cause they absorb way more ink and water than synthetic ones. alterations to please your

Do you find your personal artwork a more creative outlet than customer. Or you can make the tattooing? Technically I can’t help to say I prefer canvas and paper over skin. The main reason is that the first are always constant, it’s practically always something that turns out to the same. Creatively and emotionally I can’t really make a choice between the two, they both have pros and cons. The cool thing about be crap in the end. You can’t painting is that you can make whatever you want without having to make alterations to please your customer. Or you can make something that turns out to be crap in the end. You can’t do that with a tattoo, you don’t do that with a tattoo, you get to throw it away if you’re not happy. So there is a lot more stress involved in doing everything right, from the design to the execution of don’t get to throw it away if the tattoo, to the aftercare. But on the other hand you get to make something permanent on somebody that they will carry with them for the rest of their life. Collaborating on a design together with a customer you’re not happy” can be difficult sometimes, but it also helps me to push my limits. Sometimes I can be completely surprised by thinking that the customer had a lame plan for his tattoo (or is very bad in communicating it) and most part of the last century her name was synonymous with after sketching and drawing and thinking of ways to make it cool, it turns an ‘evil woman’ but these days I’d say she’s seen more as the out to have become this great design that I perhaps would have never victim of an injustice [she was shot as a spy by the French], thought of on my own. would you agree? Margarethe Zelle was her real name, and she lived in Friesland, which What else inspires and influences your artwork? is a northern province of Holland. There is a museum there about her, So many things: from old illustrations to old timey fashion, photography, but I’ve never been, cause it’s quite far away. From what I’ve read about commercials, movies and books. Almost anything. But of course tattoo her, people aren’t so sure nowadays that she was a spy. She was a designs is my main influence, cause I use the same technique as the very liberated woman, very risqué and loose for her time. She danced old tattooers used to make their tattoo flash. And mostly things from in very skimpy exotic outfits and had multiple lovers, but so did most of the start of the last century, I just love that whole atmosphere that the Hollywood stars in those days. Maybe she got a kick out of having hangs around that period, where a lot of things and places were being powerful lovers in high positions (there is a great photo of her in the discovered; people started traveling to strange places, it just feels like military uniform of one of her lovers) or maybe she really sought them the whole world was bursting with new possibilities and so much of the out to get information from them. At least there is no real proof at this discoveries were poorly understood giving them an aura of mystery. I point that that’s what she did. kinda miss that today, that we are cynical now and we seem to know everything or at least that magic doesn’t exist in a way they saw it then. What other artists’ work do you admire? Also it was the period after the prudish Victorian age and everything I have been influenced a lot by old time tattooers like Christian Warlich, started to get more loose. Tom Berg, Sailor Jerry and Joseph Hartley, to name a few. From other avenues of art I am mostly into early last century stuff like Erté who Can you talk a little about your process for creating a painting? was a Russian fashion designer around the 20’s. Enoch Bolles is How long does it usually take from initial sketch to finished one of my favorite pin-up painters. I like the work of photographers piece? Do you work on several pieces at one time? like Brassai, who worked mostly in the seedy nightlife of 30’s Paris. Obviously the process of creating a painting starts with an initial idea. When I started tattooing I was influenced a lot by Luke Atkinson, That is the easy part, ha ha! Then I begin drawing and I’m actually a very Theo Jak, who tought me how to watercolour and Bruno Todisco, an slow drawer. I don’t have immense drawing skills, I started pretty late Italian tattooer who I worked with for a few years at Tattoo Peter in with drawing a lot, so this part is really hard work for me. If things go Amsterdam. Just seeing all the amazing tattoos in magazines is what smoothly, I finish it in half a day, if that is not the case it can sometimes pushed me to keep trying to do better. take me a few days to get it exactly like I want it. I scan the drawing and on the computer I do some fine tuning, like maybe move some How do you feel about the current popularity of tattoos and things slightly, lips up a bit, eyebrows a bit tilted, things like that. When tattoo culture? Do you see any negatives to its increasing I’m satisfied that it looks how I want it, I transfer the line drawing to shift towards the mainstream? watercolour paper. When I start painting I usually do two paintings It has its pros and cons. It’s a good thing because so many people are at the same time. Some part might take some time to dry and then I doing great stuff with it and it has become easier to tattoo and have can continue with the other one. The time this takes is very different, tattoos. It’s more accepted, but this at the same time also takes some depending on size and detail, this would range from a day to 3 or 4 days. of the charm away from it. You don’t really have to look hard now to find a tattoo studio and there is hardly anything rebellious about it With your love of nostalgia, I’m assuming you must be a fan of anymore. old movies. Do you have any particular favourites? I am more a fan of old movie stars. I’m afraid I don’t have a lot of What projects do you have coming up in 2009? patience for old movies. I don’t watch a lot of movies in general. I usually I’ve got two shows coming up this year: one around May in Rome and wait till I have flu or something and then I rent everything that I want one in Melbourne in October. Last year I did an assignment for Italian to see. I love collecting movie star photos though. Old girls like Louise fashion brand Fornarina for their summer ‘09 collection. Some of this is Brooks, Clara Bow, Marlene Dietrich, Pola Negri, etc. Or even obscure in stores already, but come summer you will be able to see everything. actresses. I’m usually most interested in their poses, hair, accessories I’m talking to some other clothing brands at the moment, but I’ll have to and clothing. wait and see if this will materialize. I’ve just started work on a second book with Outré gallery, which is very exciting and we are all full of I’ve been reading a lot about Mata Hari recently and I noticed great new ideas to hopefully make this book even better than the that you’ve painted a portrait of her. As there’s a new biopic previous one. due out later this year, what is the feeling about her in her homeland and yours, The Netherlands these days? For the salonserpent.com Illustration: Tim Whitlock Whether it’s invading your neighbours on a whim, re-naming the word for bread after your mum, using your country as a toll road for a drugs cartel, spending $700,000 a year on cognac while your people starve to death, or even executing two thirds of your own army, dictators are by their very nature a unique and unpleasant bunch. And some are more unique or unpleasant than others. Here’s our selection of the maddest and baddest of the dictatorial bunch. A list of greatest shits in other words. KIM JONG IL – NORTH KOREA The Hugh Hefner Of Rogue States

“Do not regret after creating something; think twice before you create it”

Standing out from the other dictators on this list due to his icy cool, low profile, Fond of luxury goods, Swedish prostitutes, baseball and films, Kim is rumored to combined with North Korea’s self imposed isolation from the rest of the world, IL have spent $20,000,000 on importing 200 Mercedes Benz S500 cars to add to is a 70s Bond villain made real. Dispensing with tit-for-tat executions and vicious the already impressive North Korean fleet of some 7000 high-end German rides acts of machismo in favor of knocking up a few nukes on the sly, imprisoning in the Communist garage. But the little big pimp doesn’t stop there. His annual ‘political criminals’ in a concentration camp and ruining his country’s economy, ‘Hennessy cognac bill’ is estimated at $700,000, and while traveling with him the ‘Great Leader’ is a special kind of demented. on his private armor plated train to Russia the BBC reported that Kim had live lobsters choppered in every day, which he demolished with silver chopsticks. In possession of one of the most comically receded, permed hairlines and a ‘there’s nobody home’ vacant expression, Kim finally succeeded his father as the But it’s film where his big spending playboy heart lies. His videotape collection snappily named General Secretary of the Workers’ Party of Korea and Chairman is believed to sit at around 20,000 and back in1978, it was his winning idea to of the National Defense Commission on October 8th, 1997. Which basically abduct and imprison the famous South Korean movie director Shin Sang Ok and means the stack-heeled man in charge to you and me. his ex-wife, actress Che Eun Hui, for eight years so they could help the North Koreans make better propaganda films. I told you he loved film. Preferring to kick it on his own rather than appear in public for anything, the small fella giving the orders to the fifth largest army on the planet allegedly It’s not all quaffing cognac like Mobb Deep and old James Bond films [I shit didn’t show at North Korea’s 60th birthday celebrations or the Olympic torch you not] for IL though; he’s got a country to run…into the ground. For example, ceremony in Pyongyang in 2008. And while a Japanese newsweekly has when widespread famine took hold in 2006, Kim decided that breeding giant suggested that he actually died of diabetes in 2003, we’d prefer to think he just rabbits would be the answer to the people’s hungry prayers, rather than getting couldn’t be arsed going out, and for good reason. trade embargoes lifted or buying a few less Mercs. He’s truly one-of-a-kind. AMIN – UGANDA SADDAM – IRAQ GADDAFI – LIBYA MUSSOLINI – ITALY The Lord Made Me Do It Which Gun Shall I Shoot You With? I Used Be A Terrorist But I Bombed Hitler Was His Biggest Fan

“If we knew the meaning to “[W]hen peoples reach the verge of “Libyans do not know Denmark, they “People are tired of liberty. They everything that is happening to us, collective death, they will be able to do not hate Denmark. They know have had a surfeit of it. Liberty is no then there would be no meaning” spread death to all…” Italy and they hate Italy” longer a chaste and austere virgin”

Forest Whittaker did a sterling job of portraying the murderous lunacy of Found hiding under a farmhouse in Tikrit after fleeing Baghdad once Enjoying somewhat of a political renaissance on the world stage in recent In power from 1922 until he was executed by partisans and hung from a the self-named ‘Conqueror Of The British Empire’, in the Last King Of it’d fallen to US forces, Saddam remained his defiant and very abusive years, Muammar has had the privilege of visits from the likes of Blair, meat hook at a petrol station in 1943, though now an obvious object of Scotland, but frankly it barely skimmed the surface of Idi’s insanity. self until the bitter end. Proclaiming, “we’re going to Heaven and our Condoleezza Rice and Nicolas Sarkozy to name just three, but the man ridicule, Mussolini was unfortunately a major influence on another shouty enemies will rot in Hell!” while on his way to the gallows, along with being who’s controlled the oil-rich North African country for almost forty years maniac who would use the Italian’s right-wing ideas as a starting point. Seizing power in a military coup in January 1971 the former boxer and arsey with a Muslim cleric just before his neck was snapped, are further hasn’t always been at the top of the West’s dinner date list. British Colonial Army officer, rampant polygamist and rumored cannibal examples, as if you needed them, that Saddam Hussein Abd al-Majid Officially titled, ‘His Excellency Benito Mussolini, Head of Government, quickly set about getting rid of anyone he perceived as a potential threat. al-Tikriti was indeed a delusional arsehole of truly colossal proportions. Grabbing power without firing a shot in 1969, while Gaddafi has dabbled Duce of Fascism, and Founder of the Empire’ the serious slap head was Executing two-thirds of Uganda’s 9,000 strong army right after they put in the odd political assassination over the years to maintain his position one of the key founders of fascism and many of his ideas (and specifics him in power, this was just the beginning of Amin’s rampant bloodletting. With a C.V. of casual brutality packed full with the words war, murder, at home it’s in the wider world where he’s made his dubious mark. like the role of youth organizations and the media in exerting state power) Estimates vary, but it’s believed that 300,000 were killed at his behest terror, chemical weapons, execution, torture, murder, war, extermination, Kicking things off with the invasion of Chad in 1973, the footie loving were taken onboard by Hitler. And he wasn’t the only one enamored by during his eight year tenure, so when he proclaimed that, “In any country and more war, Saddam’s 25 years at the top included invasions of both Libyan quickly became the major donor to rebel movements and terrorist the Italian. there must be people who have to die. They are the sacrifices any nation Iran and Kuwait, the mass-gassing of the Kurds and the execution of his organizations anywhere and everywhere. Allegedly the cash behind the has to make to achieve law and order”, you know he wasn’t kidding. daughter’s husbands. Cheers dad. Black September Movement (responsible for the Munich massacre at the Basically fascism’s version of Elvis in the late 20s and early 30s his ‘72 Olympics), along with rebels in Sierra Leone, Liberia, the PLO and popularity with political leaders was largely due to his stance against Famously dependent upon dream-shaped ‘messages from god’ to inform Taking the usual dictatorial love of re-naming stuff after himself and even the IRA, Gaddafi didn’t stop there. Not by a long shot. Communism. So along with Hitler getting all fan-boy over Benito, poet policy decisions, one of smiley big boy’s signs from above urged him to having lots of murals of his mustached mug everywhere to a whole new Ezra Pound and Cole Porter were down for the Duce, as was Winston expel all of Uganda’s Indians and Pakistanis, which he duly did. When level, one commentator joked that Saddam’s presidential branding made Ultimately responsible for the Berlin disco bombing in 86, WPC Yvonne Churchill of all people, who famously spouted, ‘He is one of the most not channeling word from the Lord, savvy media operator Amin loved to Stalin look like he had ‘low self-esteem’. The camera loved him. Or it was Fletcher’s murder outside the Libyan Embassy in London, the Lockerbie wonderful men of our time’. But Mr. Wonderful wasn’t all political theory, play up for the world’s press. Awarding himself the Victoria Cross, forcing taken outside and shot. bombing and the bombing of UTA flight 772, the ebullient minor aside from Italy’s backing of Hitler in WWII, Mussolini’s troops supported Kampala’s white residents to carry him through town on a throne and shareholder of Juventus football club has somehow stayed in power, Franco in the Spanish Civil War, blasted Corfu, messed with Albania, took re-naming Lake Edward to the snappy ‘Lake Idi Amin Dada’ are just a few Partial to the finer things in life Saddam was particularly fond of mirrored stayed alive, and is now reaping the benefits. Unique to this list, the silk- Libya and invaded Ethiopia. of his more notable stunts. The ‘Hitler Of Africa’ was without a doubt the bedrooms, gold plated bog roll holders and lots of guns for his numerous robed terrorist cash point of the 70s and 80s and America’s former public nutter’s nutter, a benchmark for aspiring homicidal dictators. shag-pads and palaces. And nothing quite says ‘I’m the boss’ like having enemy number one is now viewed as a international statesman of some Hell bent on forging a New Roman Empire built upon order and 6,000 Beretta pistols and four cases of anti-tank missiles in your spare repute. Un-be-fucking-lieveable. Smarter than he looks. nationalism, Mussolini was a classic dictator, whose desire for power and bedroom does it? control is never ending. Like a kid who wants all the toys. What a nob.

skate.ea.com

NIYAZOV – TURKMENISTAN NORIEGA – PANAMA Two Slices Of My Mother Please It’s All About The Benjamins

“Let the life of every Turkmen be as “Put up with Noriega, those who come beautiful as our melons” after are worse!”

Taking charge of the fledgling nation in 1993 after the break-up of the Panama’s infamously Bon Jovi hating military dictator was finally deposed USSR, podgy-faced mentalist Saparmurat Niyazov quickly set about following America’s invasion in 1989, and the US forces’ subsequent declaring himself President for life and taking the name ‘Turkmenbashi’ or siege of the nunnery where Manuel had sought refuge. Nothing quite gets ‘leader of all ethnic Turkmen’. However that was just the beginning for this a corrupt Central American general out of a house of God and into a cell true comedy genius who did his peculiar thing until his death in 2006. like Slippery When Wet blasted through speakers twenty-four hours a day.

Re-naming schools, street names, ports and airports is fairly standard Hired by the CIA in the 70s to the tune of $100,000 a year to be their dictatorial fare, but Niyazov took bigging up himself, and his mother, to eyes and ears in the region, while on their payroll the then ‘rent-a colonel’ the next level. After re-naming the month of January ‘Turkmenbashi’, and continued with the humdrum day job of drug trafficking and wide-scale April ‘Gurbansoltan edzhe’, after his mother, he thought bread, ‘chorek’ corruption. Finally publicly assuming power, by making himself a general, should get a re-brand, so that also became Gurbansoltan edzhe, while in 1983 the man behind the mirrored shades ran the transcontinental both the day Monday and a meteorite that crashed down in the country nation like his personal piggy bank. in ‘98 became…Turkmenbashi. And the fun changes for the people of Turkmenistan didn’t stop there. Paid by the CIA to funnel money to guerillas in El Salvador and Nicaragua, Noriega got away with absolute murder, literal and metaphoric, under It was a legal requirement that Turkmenbashi’s mug be on the logos of the American’s uncritical noses for years. Looking after the interests of all three state-run TV channels and all clock and watch faces. Dogs were Pablo Escobar’s Medellin Cartel in a country whose geographical position Create your Hall of Meat forbidden to enter the capital (supposedly because of their smell) and means it’s the bridge between North and South America was how Manny own spots video games, ballet, opera, car radios, lip-synching, and recorded music supplemented his (lack of) intelligence agency income, big time. And it Double your Move objects were all banned during the big man’s reign of stupidity. But there’s more. was also ultimately the reason why he had to go, supposedly. bag of tricks In 2004 for reasons obviously only known to the Turkmenbashi 15,000 Get off the board nurses, midwives and orderlies were sacked overnight and replaced with Brazenly corrupt and fond of a few quid from anyone who’d give it to him, military conscripts, and all newsreaders were forbidden to wear make-up. Manuel also famously cancelled an election he was losing and gave the Shah Of Iran safe haven. The Del Boy of dictators. Our favourite dictator by a Turkmen mile, not least for building a giant gold statue of himself that revolves to always face the sun, Niyazov makes Kim Jong Il look like Abraham Lincoln.

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_DCxx 205x265.indd 1 18/02/2009 16:26:52 “My biggest nightmare would be working on a drawing and then some weird bug crawls out of my hair into my ear and it lays eggs inside my head and then I wake up in the middle of the night and there are weird worm bugs crawling out of my eyes”

Interview: Eirik Traavik Portrait: Sandy Carson If you have been skateboarding for more than a year, chances are that you have already been in direct contact with Michael Sieben’s art. As an independent artist, company owner and contributing writer for Thrasher, Sieben’s been making his quirky ideas visible in art for quite some time. And even if you haven’t, unless his own worst fear of having his eyes explode in a sea of maggots manifests itself any time soon, you´ll be sure to be seeing more of Sieben’s cutsey unpleasantness soon.

How did you get into art, and do you remember the first pieces you How would you describe your work? You’ve previously referred to it did? Were you weird as a kid? as ‘soft-core gore’. Could you explain what you meant by that? I’ve just always been a kid who loved to sit down and draw. Which I don’t think Some of the ideas I’m depicting are gross, but I try to present them in such is that unusual. But I guess I just continued to sit down and draw even after a way that they could almost make you laugh or smile. A dude with a knife it wasn’t cool anymore. And then kept drawing until it got cool again. The first sticking out of his head could be pretty horrific, or it could be depicted more like pieces I did were probably dinosaurs or pictures of my parents. I don’t really cartoon violence. More like an inconvenience than a life ender. A lot of my work remember. I was pretty weird as a kid. Probably no weirder than I am now is making light of tragic situations. Characters who are continuing to live and though and I can fully function in society. So that’s cool. prosper despite their obvious wounds or defects. You know, like people.

What made you stick with it? What attracted you about art? To what extent is skateboarding a direct influence on your work? I think I’ve just always been into making stuff. Why? It’s fun. I think I still do it It’s had a huge impact. Most of my collective imagery is a direct representation because it’s still fun and because it’s how I make my living. It’s important to pay of my two biggest influences: board graphics and children’s book illustration. I your bills. think combining the two styles produces a really great mix of imagery and tone. Are you a skateboarder who happens to do art, or an artist who just work? Do you treat them as separate entities or as different aspects happens to skate? of the same thing? I’m just a dude who loves both. I’d like to say yes, that they’re two totally separate entities. But I don’t really think “For whatever reason I’ve always been a smart-ass. I’m talented enough to have a completely different mode of working for both I just saw Beautiful Losers, in which Ed Templeton and a wide array parts of my life. I try to separate them as much as possible, but there’s always of other contemporary artists hail skating as a common denominator bleeding between the membranes. My main goal when I was younger was to It’s probably a defense mechanism because I’m not for many artists. Do you think that the link between artistic ability become a successful commercial artist. The older I get the more I fantasize and skateboarding is overly romanticized or is there a genuine about being able to pay my bills strictly through art making. I’m sure there’s a lot connection? of compromise and stress involved with that also though. that large of a person, so I’m sure I’m harbouring I think that skateboarding attracts a certain type of individual. Free thinkers, weirdos, artists… I hear a lot of older dudes complain that skateboarding You did a campaign this fall with Adidas, in which some of your isn’t like that anymore because of how mainstream it has become. But I don’t characters come to life and hang out with you. Was that a weird some sort of self-confidence issues” know… all of the younger skateboard kids I know are just like me and my experience? How did the campaign come about? friends were when we were their age. Making our own t-shirts, making videos, The original project was just designing two shoes. Which I was super stoked on. drawing on our grip tape, just generally being creative people. I think as a ‘sport’ And then later the dudes at Juice Design in SF (who handle all of the Adidas it really promotes and encourages imagination. You’d never see an art checkout Skateboarding stuff) contacted me and asked if I’d be interested in working on in a football magazine. Or maybe you would, I’ve never read a football magazine. a short film project as a companion piece. I thought it would probably be a little skate video type of thing, but it turned into a whole crazy full-scale production Do you approach your commercial art differently than your personal project. It was totally a weird experience but it was also probably one of the most fun weeks I’ve ever had. Basically hanging out in San Francisco with friends and getting to do all sorts of crazy ass shit that I’d never do on my own. I kept waiting for them to realize that they were spending a bunch of money making a film about a nerd from Texas. I was glad they never did.

Has the campaign opened any doors for you, as far as work is concerned? Could you be interested in doing more stuff on a similar scale? “I feel like most It seemed like as soon as that project was over the entire worldwide economic community took a collective shit in their pants. So truthfully it didn’t really open up any crazy doors as of my collective far as I can tell right now. Maybe ‘09… And yes, I’d totally be interested in working on larger projects in the future. Maybe a one-act play? imagery is a direct You drew up a lot of pretty random tattoos for Thrasher last year and put them in the magazine, do you know if anyone ever got any of them done? representation of Most of them are on bodies now. I hope I don’t feel bad about that when I’m older. What is Okay Mountain and what goes on up there these days? It’s a contemporary art space that I run with a bunch of my friends here in Austin. We all pitch my two biggest in time and money in order to have a nice space in town to showcase work we are interested in. I think our main goal is to contribute to our community and to participate in the art world beyond our city. It’s a good way to be in contact with other scenes and cities and it’s a good influences: way to make professional connections. I almost think of it as a professional organization or a club that we pay dues into. It’s also a commercial gallery… but the general population of Austin doesn’t really spend any money at the space. Other than stuffing dollar bills into the skateboarding beer tip jar.

How important is it for you to be around other artists? graphics and It’s very important to me. It’s easy to get stuck or complacent with your work or ideas. Being surrounded by other working artists gives me constant inspiration and new ideas that I can children’s book incorporate into my work. It’s really nice and I don’t take it for granted. To what extent is humour an important part of your work? illustration” Again, it’s very important to me. For whatever reason I’ve always been a smart-ass. It’s probably a defense mechanism because I’m not that large of a person, so I’m sure I’m harboring some sort of self confidence issues. But yeah, I really like cracking jokes and trying to make people laugh. I’m a loveable little clown or something sad like that. today that he missed out on anything. As long as people are skateboarding and A lot of your art is sold at pretty reasonable prices. Do you make a enjoying themselves then nothing is wrong with skateboarding. If you don’t like conscious effort to keep your work affordable for everyone? Is having Texas pride going to be easier now that Bush is out of office? What is seeing skateboarding on MTV then turn off your TV. It’s that simple. I try to work on projects like prints and zines so that anybody that comes most the most awesome thing about Texas these days? to a show or my website can walk away with something if they really want Yes. Definitely. But Bush is from Maine. He’s not originally from Texas. The most awesome Who inspires you these days? something. Mainly because a lot of the people interested in my work are thing about Texas these days would probably be Austin. I’m probably heavily biased. Anybody who is willing to give it a shot. Despite what anybody says. younger kids and I don’ t want to alienate them.

What is your biggest dream and worst nightmare as an artist? You recently started Roger Skateboards. How is that working out? I What do you see yourself doing in ten years? These probably change year to year. Right now my biggest dream is to make a living off of read somewhere that part of the reason why you started it is that you Hopefully doing what I’m doing right now, but making enough money to stick producing personal work. Then I could afford the luxury of being as picky as I wanted with and your partner Stacy Lowery are total control freaks. Any truth to some in the bank for when I’m an old man. Or maybe interpretive dance. clients that I work with. Right now I don’t make enough money to be totally discerning with that rumour? freelance work. My biggest nightmare would be working on a drawing and then some weird Actually it’s probably more just me being a control freak. I’m really particular And finally, let’s wheel out that classic Q&A cliché. Any last words? bug crawls out of my hair into my ear and it lays eggs inside my head and then I wake up in when it comes to the visual identity of the company. The response to Roger has Try hard, be nice to people, don’t judge others, skate fast, or slow if you the middle of the night and there are weird worm bugs crawling out of my eyes. been really positive. I think we need to hire a production manager in the near want, and don’t be afraid to take chances in life. Sometimes things work out, future though so that Stacy Lowery and I can strictly focus on fart jokes. sometimes they don’t, but it’s nice not to sit back and wonder ‘what if?’ And Your column in Thrasher is mainly occupied with the horrible aspects of current watch ‘Better Off Dead’ at least once a year. Just to keep things in perspective. day skateboarding. How is skateboarding doing these days? Can it be saved? How do you usually go about when making a board graphic? All of that stuff is just complete sarcasm. Skateboarding is just as awesome today as ever. Usually sketchbook sketch to inked drawing to scanned line-art to layout and msieben.com People like to pine over the old days skateboarding. And I won’t deny the romantic nostalgia spot color on the computer. Then send it to the production department (aka okaymountain.com of skateboarding’s younger years. But I’d never tell some kid that just started skateboarding Stacy) to order the heat transfers. I’ve still never seen how those are made. rogerskateboards.com BONEZONE Girls and Corpses is the weirdest magazine we’ve ever seen. Ever. So after triple-checking it wasn’t just an elaborate Internet joke we got ‘Deaditor-In-Chief’ Robert Rhine to explain himself.

Most important question first, what on earth made you decide to start the magazine? Brain damage. Seriously. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I conjure up all manner of crazy sick ideas and I’m about one step away from full commitment. My first book was titled ‘My Brain Escapes Me’ for good reason, I had a head injury at ten years old that should have killed me, and just left me temporarily blind in one eye and moderately insane. You can check more of my story out and my crazy comic books and graphic novel ‘Satan’s 3-Ring Circus of Hell’ at my home site: robertrhine.com

Girls and Corpses admittedly may sound like a strange concept but it’s rooted in mythology and classic fiction like ‘Beauty and The Beast’. Opposites both repel and attract. Also, a rotting corpse is something we don’t care to look at, and not just because we fear our own mortality, they look creepy and mouldy and their eye could be hanging out. A beautiful woman, on the other hand, we can’t take our eyes off of and not just because her breasts are hanging out (though that could be a motivator). So, I combined these elements, hot and cold, life and death, beautiful and ugly into one very strange magazine and created something you want to look away from…but can’t. Also, the horror genre is in full swing and I am primarily a comedy writer, so I like combining those genres, such as they did so beautifully in one of my favorite films, ‘Shawn of The Dead’.

And finally, magazines like Maxim regularly place beautiful women next to anything to promote or sell it. We all know that sex sells. So, I guess sex can sell corpses too, because Girls and Corpses Magazine is selling like maggot cakes at a zombie bake sale. Speaking of bizarre…Bizarre Magazine in the UK has featured Girls and Corpses several times and said of us, ‘Our favorite magazine has finally arrived’. We have also been recently named the ‘World’s Most Bizarre Magazine In History’ at Oddee.com

How do you get the cadavers for your shoots and have you experienced any problems/ issues with securing them, transporting them/shooting them? Cadavers usually keep pretty quiet, so we haven’t had any complaints yet. We get our corpses from all over the world. You’d be surprised how many corpses are lying around. Some days you can pick them like cotton. There are companies like Body Worlds that display skinned human carcasses for the whole family and it’s a very popular exhibit. Transportation can be a problem, but we have a deal with a dry ice company. We ship mostly by train. Several times I have driven the corpses cross-country. Sometimes they ride in the passenger seat. No one seems to notice or care. Even police drive by, see them and smile. I guess they think they are movie props or something because people don’t drive with corpses in their front seats. Once, I carried a jawbone in my carry-on luggage which got me in trouble at the airport, but I told them it was a prop and they let me go. I have also shipped torsos in my luggage, though oddly PHOTO: © LON BIXBY © LON PHOTO: “Several times I have driven the corpses cross-country. Sometimes they ride in the passenger seat. No one seems to notice or care”

I have never been questioned about that. Photographing the corpses can be tricky; they can be stiff and brittle and may not be comfortable getting into uncompromising positions, just ask Belladonna. [girlsandcorpses.com/issue2_belladonna.html]

If you could it’d be great if you could talk us through an average shoot I wake up around noon, roll over and kiss my corpse good morning. Then, I soak it in a tub in apple cider vinegar to freshen it up from the last shoot. I take a walk around the cemetery with my dead dog, Moe. After that it’s off to work in the morgue. We shoot both on location and in our morgue studio. I have a great photographer Mark Scary who is a Brit and very talented. Meanwhile, the stiffs in my office just PHOTO: ALBERTPHOTO: L. ORTEGA lay there staring at the ceiling. So, I have to do it all, hire the models, set up the shoots, hire the crew, arrange the location, direct the shoot, etc. Then, there’s printing, shipping, marketing, promotion events. I also cover the red carpet of horror events and screenings. So, there’s no rest for the weary… or the dead.

How difficult is it finding models for the magazine? How do “I get photos sent from all over the world you approach potential girls you’d like to photograph? And what made you decide to not have any nudity in the mag? It’s a breeze finding models. They flock to us. I get photos sent from all every day. Girls literally beg to be in the over the world every day. Girls literally beg to be in the magazine. No lie. Girls love corpses! Just check out our 25,000 friends on My Space, mostly women, myspace.com/girlsandcorpses Sometimes, I’ll spot a magazine. No lie. Girls love corpses!” hottie on the street, or better yet the mall, and I approach them. I ask three questions. 1) Are you a model or have you modelled? 2) Do you have a very dark sense of humor? 3) And do you love horror movies? If they answer yes to all three questions, I club them over the head Elisha Cuthbert, Megan Fox, Maria Sharapova, Anne Hathaway, Mila Kunis and maybe a nude spread of and throw them in my trunk. As far as nudity, I naturally considered Margaret Thatcher (we would make a nudity exception in her case). the option. But frankly, it was too easy. Doing a comedy magazine is challenging, but getting a lass to spread her legs, especially in today’s With all honesty have you been surprised you’ve managed to pull this off? I’m still amazed you economic climate is no biggie. Also, the gag with nudity would ‘die’ guys have managed to get away with doing this and especially in America much more quickly. So, I’m happy that I decided to leave nudity to the We walk a tight rope. But that’s one of the reasons I decided against doing nudity. It would give our ten million other sites that do a pretty good job. What’s amusing is that opponents reason to try and shut us down. I honestly don’t know how I get away with it, but I have an idea. I when we went to AVN (the adult convention and award show in Las think that anyone who wants to take us on doesn’t want their name mentioned in the same sentence as Girls Vegas) they were all freaked out by Girls and Corpses Magazine and and Corpses, as if to ban it means they read it. ‘CHURCH BANS GIRLS & CORPSES’. Now that’s the kind

we don’t even have nudity! ALBERTPHOTO: L. ORTEGA of press you can’t pay for, but I pray for. By the way, we were banned a few times by our first printer and also in several U.S Prisons, which is amusing to me since I get letters from prisoners who read the magazine all You’ve interviewed some great people: John Landis, Eli Roth the time. Don’t forget that in America you can have as much violence as you want, but God forbid, you see a etc. Who would be on you top five wish list of people to nipple and the religious right go into a tizzy. So, we skip the nipples and stay in the pink. interview and/or photograph for Girls & Corpses? You might be surprised. I would really like to take on organized religion I really love the ‘theming’ of many of your issues and the Schoolgirls and Corpses cover alone which I think is a crock-pot. So, maybe Herr Pope would be on my list. is one of the funniest things I’ve ever with my own eyes seen in print Rush Limbaugh would be fun or Sean Hannity or Bill O’Reilly. Bright This goes back to the newsstand magazines that have lame themes for every holiday: they do their Valentines people I could argue with and have some fun. I was invited several Day pink issue, or Saint Patrick’s Day green issue, or Christmas Holiday red and green issue. It’s so bloody times to be on the Jerry Springer Show, but I declined. I told them I boring every year. So, we do Valentines Dead, Saint Patrick’s Dead and Corpsemas. Our latest issue is The wasn’t right, I had all my teeth. Also, I like to think we are a tad more Karate Corpse. I’m also planning a religious issue of corpse. We also recently did a Corpse Pilates issue and a cerebral than your typical goat banging hillbilly meth dealers who Golf Corpse issue, so I think I have covered sports for a while. wear diapers. Though come to think of it, I might like to interview one of them. Oh, yeah…and Jesus. I would ask Jesus what he thinks of And finally, do you feel alive doing your job? organized religion and the Vatican (which I have visited three times); Nothing makes you feel more alive than death. This is a very exciting time for me, I’m not sure what lies ahead it looks like the ‘Pirates of The Caribbean’ treasure vault. As far as but I’ll stop when I get there. photography, I would like to get more celebs on the magazine covers, who could show that they also have a sense of humor: Angelina Jolie, girlsandcorpses.com the Olsen Twins, Scarlett Johannsen, Kate Bosworth, Keira Knightley, oddee.com JAY REATARD “I wanted the American dream but it’s impossible, because I’m crazy”

Interview: David Hopkins Photography: Sam Ashley With his debut studio album for Matador Records all but done, a notable LA support slot for Beck under his belt and acclaim still showering down upon his curvy do from pretty much every music mag, website and blog, you’d think Tennessee’s Jay Reatard would be a happy boy. But when we met up at the back end of last year, prior to an intimate afternoon Matador warehouse gig for staff and hacks, he was far from it. Miles away in fact. Preoccupied by promoter shaped problems our pub lunch ‘interview’ was one unpalatably long course of awkward silence, which was later followed by a startling and brutally frank dessert. Industry insiders should really look away now.

In what way do you think London is set up to ‘fuck Surely arguing with bars over door charges, rates etc is foreign bands’ as you put it? part and parcel of being in a band? Because they feel like you have to pay your dues…even if But if you don’t want to do something you don’t have to. It’s you’re selling out a club. Even if you’re selling it out or you’re really funny though to see a lot of these people that I work getting quite a few people out to see you, just because it’s your with, their responses, because they’re not used to working with first time they feel you should play for nothing. And then they someone…needless to say most of the people I work with now, go, ‘next time we’ll compensate you better’. or am still working with, are limp-wristed indie rocker types. That they have to work professionally with someone with a bad Well that’s not going to work is it? attitude, someone that came from a punk rock background, If you get stuck in the rut of always waiting to be treated fairly they just don’t get it, they’re like ‘why?’…well, because I don’t next time, you never get any respect. fucking want to!

You’re always going to be on the back foot You’re not making new friends in London [laughing] It’s not the best decision, but really honestly if I gave a fuck I’d The main reason it’s London specifically is because everyone go do it, but I really don’t care. If the bar’s not willing to pitch has to play London, that’s the big deal, ‘oh you have to play in and like… In the states the promoter works for the bar and London’. So all the other towns and cities in England they when you book a show there’s an expense for paying bands actually have to be competitive over getting your show because, and the P.A. and what not. But here they have to take money well they know you’re going to play London, so they compete out of the door and pay the bar, and the bar keeps all the over the other six shows you might do. And they have to pay money from drinks. So I’m paying the bar to be there. more than the fucking asshole in London who knows that ‘you have to play London’. I don’t want to make it seem like it’s all And you’re the person bringing the people to it about money, it’s more about fairness. I couldn’t give a fuck And I still have to pay them [the bar staff] to be there, so about the money side. But lately I’ve started realising that I’m in I kind of said ‘fuck it’, if the bar can’t throw in a little extra the business of making so many other people money. money to make it more fair then we won’t be there. There’s no compromise. Because I don’t drink anymore I don’t want to pay That’s the name of the game though a bar to be in a bar. Yeah. I understand both sides, both the creative and the business side, but some people have to realise that you can have a business attitude and create art, but artists and “You can have a musicians are still always going to be moody and crazy. You’ve just got to expect them to occasionally tell you to fuck off. business attitude It’s good that you acknowledge that you can be like that, it’s the way rock and roll should really be [Here] it doesn’t seem very much about music, as much as I’m and create art, but used to. Touring in the states the majority of the people coming out are there to see us play and the promoters are really appreciative. Here you have to fight for everything, people have artists and musicians this attitude that you’re disposable, like a McDonalds… It’s easy to see why you feel that way, looking at are still always going mainstream magazines, listening to British radio etc, you’re their pick for now, but you won’t be next month I have a huge conflict in my mind, like morally and artistically to be moody and with giving two fucks about what this country thinks about me. I really do, that’s just the way it is. It’s nothing to do with the people, it has to do with the way pop culture is set up here. crazy. You’ve just got What I’m creating, the music that I play, where I’m from there’s much more of a sense of community and there’s a stability in knowing that if you work really hard to get to a certain point to expect them to that it’s not just going to be some fly by night, trite bullshit, blink and then no one cares, you know? occasionally tell you There are strong music scenes around Britain across all different genres of music they’re just not reflected in the mainstream to fuck off” The sense of community, the sense that there’s something bigger than just the entertainment value of it, that’s really important to me. I want to get something more out of it and lately I haven’t been feeling much at all when we play…and that’s the frightening thing. That’s the way it is though It’s a weird thing, but what do you do? If you don’t succeed Do you have the same feeling in the US as well? at this there’s nothing to fall back on, that’s what I’m saying, No, just the past few days, I’ve just felt emotionless while we’ve a lot of it is fear. I like that scene in the movie The Decline been playing. It’s like if you don’t turn up to a show you’re Of Western Civilization 2: The Metal Years where they ask cheating your audience because they’re expecting you to be all the metal heads, ‘what are you going to do if you don’t there or if you show up and pretend like you’re interested… make it?’ And they’re all anxious and like, ‘what do you mean if I don’t make it?’ I guess in a sense even the most Then you’re cheating them another way DIY person is lying to you if they say they don’t have a drive And you’re cheating yourself and them so…it just turns out or a fear that drives them to want be successful in music, to be really crass. It’s exactly the same feeling you get when because they don’t really have anything else. It’s all based you get drunk and go home with a really unattractive person on your quality of life, I mean punk rockers, a lot of them, and you realise in the middle of it, ‘aah what the fuck am I they don’t really want too many things in terms of comforts, doing? I hate myself for doing this right now’. It’s anticlimactic so success to them can be getting enough money for beer and then you pack and leave [laughing]. The only reason I’d and a place to crash or a new patch for the ass of their compare something so crass like that is, for me, making music jeans. And for indie rockers success could be being able to is something just as primal. It’s coming from the same place, afford a nice couch, a TV and some nice guitars, and to own the rawness of it is the exact same as being hungry or needing a dog or something. It’s all relative to the quality of life you to take a shit, whatever, to fuck. I don’t understand why I have want, where you stop being scared as an artist. I don’t know, to do it, I’m just driven to do it and at times you don’t like the I feel like I haven’t quite yet hit the point where I think you fact you have to do it. become really comfortable, when you stop being motivated by fear and something else takes over, and that’s when you I think you’ve kind of answered the question I always really start to become good. I don’t think I’m quite there, it’s try to ask artists. What drives you to make music? like being enlightened. Fear. I think most artists are driven by fear. You’re still aiming for that A fear of what? It’s that rare thing where you can see it in people’s careers, A fear that if they stop creating music, then they have no at some point…someone like Neil Young is being motivated purpose. Most musicians will lie to you because they want to by exactly what I’m talking about, the fear of life and failing make it so much more mysterious and deep than it is, but it at what he’s doing…everyone, I promise you, whether they comes down to you’re trying to create self-assurance, that you know it or not, I think that’s what is. At some point you just have a reason to believe, a purpose. It all boils down to the stop being afraid of it and then you really come into your fact that most of them can’t do anything else. At some point I own. I think that’s what separates really, really important knew like, ‘oh fuck, it’d be really easy to finish school, get a job musicians or artists from the rest. It stops being about fear and do all these things’, and I wanted to. Most artists are like, and something else becomes the motivating factor and for ‘that’s not what I wanted to do’. I wanted the American dream the rest of the people the motivating factor becomes money but it’s impossible, because I’m crazy [laughing]. I can’t hold and drugs and tits, or ass, so you have to fight all of that the a job, I can’t be told what to do, I can’t be put in some sort of whole way. I’m fighting that right now to get this place I want role and at some point you realise that you woke up one day to be, I’m fighting all those things that people fall victim to, to and music’s turned into that. You end up with a manager, like try to be successful. If you can get past that then you’re like a job [laughing]. You’re like an inventor, you invent something, fucking Buddha with a guitar or something. But in the end someone manufactures it, someone packages it, someone it’s just fun pop songs, so you can’t take it too seriously. markets it and along the way everyone sticks their hands out for a part of it. myspace.com/jayreatard _DCxx 205x265.indd 8 18/02/2009 16:26:58 _DCxx 205x265.indd 9 18/02/2009 16:26:58 WILL ROBSON SCOTT EGO BOMBING

his project seeks to give insight into the lives of Tthe illegal graffiti writer, revealing a sub-culture that is heard of, but rarely seen. The emergence in recent years of a high-end street art market shows an increasing interest in graffiti. The subjects in these images see this genre as negative and hypocritical, as artwork in a gallery removes the foundation that their culture is built on, one that lies in the risk they take.

While making these images I came to understand the motivations of the subjects, sharing with them the anxiety, adrenaline highs and tensions that come from the risks taken in this unique lifestyle. For many, the places they inhabit in the images are so familiar that they can navigate their way to them with ease, going undetected by London’s immense security systems. This series of photos captures the awkward moments of waiting, the apprehension of hiding and the calm and stillness of seeing the world from an altered perspective.

willrobsonscott.co.uk

ELMO: DALSTON KINGSLAND > Panik, Elmo & Harm: Kentish Town > SLAM: BARNET > Y.R.P: UXBRIDGE >>

MR.C: CARDIFF << MACE: PUTNEY BRIDGE >>

ASURE: DALSTON > CHOE: HORNSEY > “Those of us raised to the strains of Sweet Leaf simply couldn’t resist the temptation of making Geezer Butler badges and felt-tipping Ozzy’s hair bright green”

Words: David Hopkins Photo: Sam Ashley Though the The Home Of Metal is a tailor made vehicle for fanboys’ adoration for all things Page, Plant, Butler, Broadrick and Halford the project ultimately aims to repackage Birmingham in musical, tourist-friendly wrapping paper. Just like Manchester and Liverpool have so successfully done with Madchester/The Smiths and The Beatles respectively. But the Black Country’s considerable musical pedigree is arguably going to be harder to sell to their local authority as a potential money spinner. As even with the best will in the world Judas Priest, Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, Napalm Death and Godflesh aren’t quite as brochure friendly as the fab four. ‘Nazi Punks Fuck Off’ souvenir pencil case anyone?

ut together by Brummie promotion team Capsule, the second in a Destined to grow sporadically, just like my oily mop did as it crept down the Pplanned series of Home Of Metal events combined an exhibition of back of my patchwork denim jacket when I was thirteen, the archive is just sorts with all manner of other activities devised to make us ‘smellies’ of part of Capsule’s wider strategy to re-brand Brum. Event organizer Lisa the 80s giddy. So along with one of Tony Iommi’s guitars and blurbs and explains, “the ten years we’ve been putting on gigs, whether it’s Godspeed press cuttings about the bands, patches, programmes etc. there was a You Black Emperor or an electronic act they all come to Birmingham brief question and answer session with Sabbath’s guitar tech, and even a and are like, ‘oh my god the home of Black Sabbath’. And sadly we have badge-making and colouring-in table which, though meant for the kids, was nothing to show them. So the aim of this project is to the show the council rammed with adults. Those of us raised to the strains of Sweet Leaf simply that we should be proud of this, the fact that it [heavy metal] comes from couldn’t resist the temptation of making Geezer Butler badges and felt- this region”. Going forward, more of these open days are already planned tipping Ozzy’s hair bright green. and a massive exhibition is penciled in to coincide with the 2011 Cultural Olympiad at the Birmingham Museum and Art Gallery, and New Art Gallery, Alongside the School Of Rock and Heavy Metal colouring book elements Walsall. So hopefully the council will get the message. Why shouldn’t they of the event, and dusty anecdotes of keeping Iommi’s plastic fake have a brass statue of Rob Halford on a Harley Davidson outside New fingertips safe in a battered Golden Virginia tobacco tin while on tour, Street station? And who could possibly object to re-naming the airport, the event was also another opportunity for fans to show off their prized Shane Embury International? metal artefacts. Run a bit like the Antiques Road Show, you could have your precious ticket snub from a Priest concert, greying Godflesh shirt or Exhausted from classic tales of metal excess, frantic badge-making and priceless Zeppelin programme logged and then photographed so it could a brief, but very amusing, metal heritage tour with historian Chris Phipps, then join the burgeoning Home Of Metal digital memorabilia archive. And which included looking at a massive organ (at Birmingham Town Hall), we with people around the world, and in particular a shitload of Americans, were ready to leave metal’s hitherto overlooked birthplace and its spiritual also constantly getting in touch to have their treasured trinkets inducted, if home. Credit where credit’s due… you didn’t know already Metallers do love merch. Honestly, I’ve got t-shirts that I still wear that Tony Robinson could base a Time Team special on. homeofmetal.com “My ex boyfriend used to say I was a bit like Yngwie when drunk, which was a compliment”

Interview: David Hopkins Photo: Sam Ashley The sounds-a-like school of music journalism may tag Frida as the ‘Swedish Tori Amos’, but aside from the piano and their gender, that’s where the similarities end. Combining child like, slap in the face honesty with tongue in cheek humor, Frida’s lyrics demand a clear ear, which is a rare thing these days. Easy listening it ain’t. On the eve of the belated UK release of her second album Silence Is Wild we caught up with the woman herself.

You’ve mentioned before in a couple of interviews about your discuss the lyrics with me, when they were ready or almost ready. It was exciting childhood musical beginnings, but at what point did you begin to to get the reactions, and see how they would understand it, and even see if they think this is what I want to do, or in other words when did you realize considered it being songs at all. Then I had a deadline, which was a solo concert that this is what I am, a singer/songwriter? in Umeå, where I played all the new songs at the opera house. Truly exciting. There wasn’t such a point, it kind of just crept up on me, I noticed this is what I’m doing, and I like it. I saw you play last week at Bush Hall and I noticed, aside from you and your band’s matching leopard prints, that you were having some And allied to that, I always like to ask artists what drives them to write serious trouble with the shoulders of your blouse. Aside from this, songs or simply why they do this. Often it comes down to necessity in have you had any major mishaps when you’ve played live? that they didn’t have anything else they were good at, but sometimes Ha-ha, the shoulder thing is more of a joke. Love that jacket. Except for playing it’s more than that. So…what is it that keeps you making music? 5 nights in a row with a high fever in a US heat wave, the only mishap I can If I knew I would probably stop. think of is on a few occasions when the microphone has fallen down, which is impractical when you have your hands full of piano. Having lived here for a couple of years I definitely identify with the lyric, ‘London, the way you want to get rid of me makes me weak at Another thing I noted was that when you played ‘December’ the men the knees’. What’s your experience of the city? in the crowd started shuffling and looking awkward and there was Most of my visits to London have been equal parts partying, freezing, and almost complete silence. I know you’ve talked about the song before, colliding with cars every time I cross the street. but have you been surprised by some people’s reaction to it? When I played your album at our office the other day people were running to A dumb question I know, but what comes first for you melodies or turn off my iPod just after the song came on. lyrical ideas? Ha-ha, that’s great. No, what is there to be surprised about? It can be both. Or at the same time. Sometimes one presents the other. I know it’s a hard choice, but if you had to pick between writing and And are you the type of person who’s constantly jotting down lyric recording and playing live which would it be? ideas and phrases night and day all the time or do you prefer to work Luckily I can do all. But ok, ok. I would definitely not like just doing one. I’d on lyrics when you consciously sit down to ‘work’? rather DIE. I have massive amounts of cassettes, sound files from my camera, notes on receipts etc, but I actually do not use them when I make songs. I prefer to sit Our photographer Sam shot some pictures of you in Stockholm ahead down to work, for days, weeks, months. of the Swedish music industry’s awards. So I have to ask did you win, were you bothered either way, and in Sweden how often do you get How patient are you with your song writing, will you go back to things people recognizing you pointing at you in the supermarket? over and over again to try to work them out, or are you inclined to I was nominated for three different, and won one. That was nice, but I was in move on quite quickly if something isn’t coming together? Berlin that night. I’m not sure if people recognize me. If they do, they certainly If I’ve started a song and it’s not finished within let’s say 2-3 weeks of being at do not point. work, I will typically throw it away and forget about it. And finally which of Sweden’s most clichéd exports (Abba, Ikea, At what point, if at all, do you share your new songs with friends or Vikings, Volvo, Yngwie Malmsteen, Bjorn Borg, saunas, blondes) are family for a second, third and fourth opinion? I know you work on you proudest of, if any? your own and isolation is fantastic for immersing yourself in, for want The Sauna is probably Finnish, but I chose that. Need to build one in my house, of another word, yourself, but have there been any times when you’ve help wanted! My ex boyfriend used to say I was a bit like Yngwie when drunk worked on a song and then stepped back from it and thought, ‘what which was a compliment. was I thinking?’ When I wrote Silence Is Wild, I emailed recordings of the songs to Jari (my co-producer) when they were ready. And I had a couple of friends read and fridahyvonen.com think the correct title for people speculatively throwing caution to the wind and getting in touch Ito ask if you’d be interested in their art, music, film, clothing company or collection of used tea-bags is an ‘unsolicited approach’. Well, we get a mail server crippling load of these each and every month, and though we’re very appreciative of each and every one of them, they never really amount to anything, and to be honest they’re a bit of a pain.

But very occasionally something stands out, and when Taren got in touch to see if we might ‘find some editorial interest’ in what he does I thanked the gods of masthead email addresses and might have even got up from my desk and done an American football style fist pump. I can’t remember.

Returning from self-imposed romantic exile in Paris last year, the unfalteringly charming and anecdote packed former magazine Art Director McCallan Moore is, by his own admission, creatively back on track. Having unequivocally ‘stepped up’ to the ‘challenge of biro’, with his series of ink-saturated, obsessively detailed illustrations, Taren has now put down the gnarred Bic for the time being and returned to the pencil for his next collection of focally fatiguing work.

With three new solo shows coming up this year, along with a group exhibition running as an offshoot of the Venice Biennale, frankly we don’t know how he finds the time to sleep. Let alone to have ‘particularly rough times with very beautiful ladies’, drop hot camp- fire coals down his boots when chemically afflicted, perform live art installations or wail into the mic as part of an improv duo at gigs. Though in many ways the living epitome of the literary ‘artist as a young man’, Taren’s work is out on its own. tarenvegas.blogspot.com

The Work Of Remorse That Becomes The Meticulous Process Of Craft The Clear and Absolute Certainty of Disorder Just Another Stock Answer

Distillate

Assemblage 03

Assemblage 08

Assemblage 09 KRAUTROCK CITIZEN KANE AL GORE ANDY WARHOL JACK SAMUEL L. OBAMA CHE GUEVARA

You’d have to have a heart made of ash Perennially listed as the one of the The Nobel Peace Prize winner and While we’re partial to the odd colourful KEROUAC JACKSON He’s inspiring and charismatic no Like Kerouac, Che has long been a not to occasionally enjoy pretending best films ever made and sitting astride Leonardo Di Caprio’s fave eco-warrior screen print of Elvis and of course A talisman for many a teenage You could say Samuel L. Jackson doubt, and we do hope Barack’s ubiquitous symbol of teenage rebellion to be a plane at three in the morning the top of the American Film Institute’s has undergone a startling re-invention we’re grateful to him for getting literary awakening over the years, is a real character actor, that is if historic election is a catalyst for real and you know nothing quite says while listening to Kraftwerk’s The list of the ‘100 Greatest American since getting mugged in Florida by his wallet out to pay for the Velvet the beat generation’s poster boy the ‘character’ in question is always policy change, but we are yet to be ‘rebellion’ like the famous depiction Man-Machine, but that’s where the Movies Of All Time’ Orson Welles’ Dubya in 2000, but like week-old milk Underground’s studio time, Warhol’s enjoyed considerable posthumous a wide-eyed, shouty show-off who convinced by Mr. Popular. Along with of some dude’s mug screened onto Moog generated fun should definitely epic tale is quite rightly revered for its and Eastern European fairground rides body of work, irrespective of its critical acclaim. But fifteen odd years punctuates his muthafucking speech committing to sending yet more US a plastic ashtray or a knock off stop. And it’s where it generally does, technical innovations. But fuck me if it there’s something we fear about Al. As carefully considered intentions, is down the line since we first read and with muthafucking expletives. Riding troops to Afghanistan and maintaining Screenstars t-shirt from the market. in spite of Julian Cope’s best efforts. isn’t one of the most clunkily acted and a veteran of US politics we inherently largely complete and utter pap. Pap. impressionably soaked up On The a potty-mouthed wave of mediocrity the CIA’s authority to use extrordinary Add to that the fact that despite With the exception of avid readers of emotionally barren films you’re ever trust him just about as far as we can Still revered as a visionary and with Road we’re at a loss as to why we so since Pulp Fiction, while his litany of rendition, his uncharacteristic silence fantastic health and education The Wire, cast your mind back and try likely to watch. It’s so dull you’d have throw him and he does come off a bit his work remaining highly collectable, adored Jack’s long-winded love-letter cinematic woes seems to know no during Israel’s bombardment of Gaza programmes Cuba’s revolution has to remember the last time that Neu! more fun reading the lists it lives on like an ageing journeyman golf pro Andy’s 15 minutes of fame have to his friends, or the rest of his work bounds, the standouts have to be the doesn’t bode well for all you liberal meant abject poverty and no freedoms album, Can compilation or Faust CDR than actually watching it. who’s now decided he wants to save lasted nearly 50 years. Johns and for that matter. Wildly sentimental and toe-curling 51st State, S.W.A.T and optimists out there. for the people of Cuba and I think saw the light of day. the earth. George Monbiot would Lichtenstein would be screwing. very annoying, learn from our mistakes Snakes On A Plane. Muthafucking you’re backing the wrong horse. batter him in a fight too. and kick Kerouac to the curb. awful muthafucker.

OVERRATED

QUENTIN DAVID LYNCH SALVADOR DALI M. NIGHT WORLD MUSIC DAVID CHAMPAGNE KINGS OF LEON TARANTINO We’re actually big fans of Lynch and the Ignoring for a moment his alleged SHYAMALAN As forward thinking citizens of the world CRONENBERG Why at special occasions, such as Pretty boy guitar-driven pop’s Lynyrd Aside from making you want to focus bulk of his films, but even we have to anti-semitism and his fondness of Strictly speaking he’s not exactly we’re into music, film, art and literature Spider was quite good and birthdays or a wedding, does some Skynyrd-lite now seem to be in it for your top of the line plasma in fury concede that his utterly unconventional murderous dictators, he was pen pals overated, but the fact that he’s still from anywhere and everywhere in the Eastern Promises is at least watchable, bright spark decide that everyone’s the supermodel endorsed long haul. whenever his nasally whine appears approach is too quick to be dubbed as with Franco and Ceausescu to name getting money from someone to make world, but not just for the sake of it, and due to both Viggo’s performance glasses should be charged with And we don’t know why, really we don’t. on it, Quentin’s cinematic output, in ‘genius’ rather than just ‘fucking weird’. two, Dali’s surrealist work is a victim of essentially the same withering film not when it’s plainly shit. Just because and the makeup department’s skill champagne? I know of no-one, no-one, With lyrics so numbingly superficial our sacrilegious opinion, has been So, as is the overrated norm, his last its own success. We’ve all seen it so where nothing really happens over a broadsheet has deigned that the at replicating Russian prison tattoos, who would ever, ever, order a glass of and non-dimensional they make Chris sketchy at best. Gleefully appropriating film Inland Empire was considered ‘a many times it doesn’t do anything for and over again is reason enough to latest jeliya group from Mali singing but Crash, eXistenZ and A History Of the bubbly stuff from any bar given any Martin come off like WH Auden, they’ve his favourite genres of world cinema, work of genius’ by Jonathan Ross and us whatsover anymore, and that’s if it be on this list. Add to that the fact in Mandinka is what you should be Violence are utter gash. And don’t get other choice, at any time, so why wheel even now shaved off the fuzzy comedy and re-mixing them in a cartoony ‘fitfully brilliant’ by the New York Times, ever did in the first place. And it didn’t. that people still implausibly defend listening to doesn’t mean it’s actually me started on the adaptation of Naked it out now? Guaranteed to ruin any beards, which we quite liked. This sex way is fine-ish by us, but essentially whereas we’d typify it as ‘utterly shite’. Heavy on Freudian symbolism no-one The Sixth Sense as a good film and good. I mean how many people in West Lunch. Oddly included in many a best social event you drink it at and give you is on fire? Please go away now, quietly. re-packaging Chinese action movie Seriously it is without doubt one of the gives a monkeys about, Dali’s work is he’s a shoe-in. Unbreakable, Signs, Africa do you think are listening to the director list, Total Film actually ranked an eye watering hangover it isn’t our [Feel free to picture Hanson in your City On Fire for Hollywood as the worst films I have ever seen in my life. epic technique over substance. The Village, Lady In The Water, The Grimethorpe Colliery brass band? him the 17th greatest director of all idea of decedent fun whatsoever. Non mind’s eye while reading through this] inferior Reservoir Dogs is a no-no. Happening, seriously do people have time. Too much bug dust I reckon. merci madame. Où est le Stella? money to fucking burn? GERMANY SPECIAL BREW REALITY BRITISH PORN THE FRENCH DURAN DURAN SKIING STEVEN SEAGAL

This island nation’s often dismissive Yes, yes, we know this golden cased TALENT SHOWS Fans of DVD pornography will be WORK ETHIC & 80s SYNTH POP If you’re going to enter the day-glo Actor, producer, writer, director, singer- attitude towards all things German still 9% Danish super strength lager isn’t used to, and indeed enjoy, watching trustafarian world of winter sports as a songwriter, 7th-dan black belt in It may be de rigueur to look down from Our spawny brothers and sisters As leather clad Iron Maiden fans we seems to be shaped by the Somme, exactly most people’s idea of a taste medically enhanced ‘perfect’ women, novice then why not endorse the oldy- aikido, owner of fantastic hair, animal your sophisticated cultural tower and across the channel had long been the used to hate the silk suited, yacht Wilfred Owen, Churchill, the Blitz etc, sensation, but bear with us a minute. who wouldn’t urinate on you if you worldy, Cinzano Bianco glamour of rights activist and supposedly the laugh at us ‘chavs’ who enjoy the likes envy of Europe due to their uniquely antics of pop wild boys Duran Duran, etc, but we think it’s now time to move Dipping into the bottomless pit of were on fire, engaged in various sexual skiing, the sport of Alpine kings, rather reincarnation of a Tibetan Buddhist of American Idol, The Apprentice, French constitution which dictates but we’ve finally seen the error of our on. Germany and Germans are, despite drunken anecdotal evidence once acts on glossy Southern Californian than its brattish progeny snowboarding. lama, or tulku, Seagal is a BEAST. Strictly Come Dancing, America’s Next employees only work a 35 hour week. ways. Combining epic, and often quite WWI and WWII based grudges and again, a four pack of Spesh once sets, but we’re backing our homegrown As along with feeling like Roger Moore, Currently flogging his own energy Top Model etc, etc, but we’re laughing Spaniards and Brits alike rejoiced ‘edgy’ chart toppers with a dedication Harry Enfield’s shit sketches, tons of saved a hitherto tedious afternoon at efforts. Closer to real life, filmed in and looking pretty fucking dapper in drink cleverly named Steven Seagal’s right back at you as you struggle when they heard change was afoot, to no holds barred hedonism that fun. Tons. Hamburg and Berlin are an outdoor gig in record time for us, poorly lit caravans, NCP carparks and clothing that at least comes close to Lightning Bolt, along with working as through that second disc of your but joy quickly turned to despair as makes Motley Crue look like The arguably number 1 and 2 in the party so we’re backing the rough sleeper’s B&Bs, featuring perfectly imperfect being in contact with your body, you the deputy sheriff of Jefferson Pariah, Heimat box set. Immensely enjoyable though our Gallic pals can indeed now Osmonds, Duran Duran were, and still cities of Europe chart, German women tipple of choice wholeheartedly. people, women with dog muck on also won’t look like a midget carrying Louisiana, Seagal’s thousand yard and oddly compelling, reality shows are work beyond their quota, they can’t be are, fucking ace. And the same can be are wild, their beer is fantastic and Charging our way from sober their shoes, and the complete set of an oversized skateboard with no trucks stare and willingness to wear funny a little like watching a series of deaths forced to do it, it’s overtime, and they’ll said for the Human League, Spandau we’re even partial to the occasional to paralytic within the hour, this regional accents, nothing says tissue or wheels on it. No tricks are required oriental jackets makes him a fully- by firing squad mixed with a minor get paid for it. Merde. Ballet, Frankie Goes To Hollywood, Wurst butty. undervalued colossus of inebriation quite like cutaway shots of The Bill. from you either. fledged alternative fashion icon. celebrity endorsed Blackpool panto. Dead Or Alive and the Eurythmics. should really be the national symbol of Just add a couch and snacks. booze Britain.

UNDERRATED HENRY TOP GEAR LATE NIGHT TABLOIDS POSH BIRDS KISSINGER McDONALD’S AVIATION PASTIES Maybe it’s the passing of the years LADS TV Scurrilous, scandalous, opinionated, Equal parts; wanting what you can never Though it’d be in even further bad Often typified as the purest of evils of Carbon footprints, environmental Scandalously overlooked as a viable or just maybe it’s to do with knocking offensive, libelous, underhand and have and dreams of life of leisure paid taste to refer to the architect of the fast food industry, while you may impacts, the destruction of natural and affordable breakfast/lunchtime oursleves out trying to jump that fence If you can’t sleep and you’re really often unhinged Britain’s tabloids are for by an aristocratic sugar mommy, numerous clandestine interventions, never have set foot under a golden wildlife habitats to create additional option in our capital city, the humble that time, but Clarkson et al have tired, stoned or drunk, zone out TV famous the world over for their often posh birds are an overlooked object coups and military campaigns to arch you have to respect the fact that runways…all valid, and very important pasty is true soul food for people on magically shook off their tag as ‘the will probably feature an American despicable reporting methods and of our desire. Joanna Lumley, Felicity further America’s political interests no matter what wrongs they seem to points. We sympathise, but jesus how a budget. Unhealthy and often quite worst dudes in the world ever’. Now Sheriff and or Ross Kemp. Not Kirsty flexible attitude towards the truth. Kendal, Zara Phillips, Liz Hurley, Jodie as a ‘go-getter’, Kissinger was have inflicted on food, their staff and much fun is flying? How cool are sweaty to the touch, regardless, we somehow a stalwart of our fragmented Wark. Newsnight isn’t really, low-effort, But that being said who doesn’t and Gemma Kidd, Jemima Khan, Emily definitely Action Man. Accused of war the planet, people will still eat there planes? Just how attractive is any honestly cannot get enough. As an TV viewing schedule, despite the fact veg-out TV is it now? Whereas, enjoy skimming through the pap pics Maitlis and pretty much all the rest of crimes along with a string of other regardless. Nothing stands in their way, woman when clad in air hostess attire? aside, I know someone who once we couldn’t give two shits about the perpetual re-runs of the 36 episodes of celebrity flesh and reading yet the BBC’s female newsreaders, Dame indiscretions, while inexcusable, the nothing. Fuck, even Supersize Me was And just how much boyish fun can you ‘made curry’ by buying a carrier bag top speed of a Bugatti Veyron or cars of World’s Wildest Police Videos with more tales of Britain’s woe in The Helen Mirren, and the list goes on. And self-confessed ladies man’s willingness a mere speedbump on the road to yet get from simply sitting and watching full of Butter Chicken Curry pasties in general, their distinctly subversive the former Sheriff of Multnomah Sun or The Star on a hazy Sunday we’re not the only ones interested in to do whatever, in his opinion, it took to more profit.Nothing magics away a ground crews load and unload a from Greggs and proceeded to scoop attitude towards the BBC’s strict County, Oregon John Bunnell most morning. You hate yourself for doing some tiara tickling as one of British porn further American foreign policy aims is hangover like a value meal of fat and plane’s baggage hold? out the fillings into a pan, and then broadcasting standards is genuinely certainly is. Nothing quite soothes a it, and yet you can’t help yourself. maganate Ben Dover’s DVD titles is... weirdly inspiring. sugar either. Masochistic mastication. onto a plate of rice. Not an idea we’d rock and roll. God we’re getting old. tired brain like bizarre traffic violations The bludgeoning use of alliteration in Posh Birds. condone, or one we even comprehend, and horrific car chases. heaving, hateful headlines is ace too. but try doing that with a sandwich. VIVIAN GIRLS The Vivian Girls are three super cool Brooklynites whose dreamy-drony-surf-punk has been getting tons of people excited of late. They’re a bit like one of those old time girl groups that everybody loves (they’re all girls, they’re in a group, the list of similarities goes on and on) but they differ in that they all play the shit out of instruments all loud and they thrash and bang them about like they were, oh I don’t know, L7 or something. Only cuter and more mellifluous of voice. Whoop-di-doo! On their last record, Vivian Girls covered a Beach Boys song and they put it out on their own little ‘Wild World’ record label. These are the sorts of things people like us admire, aren’t they? Yes they are! So we went and met two of them before a gig in East London. Interview: Stuart Hammond Photo: Sam Ashley

That show you played last week at the Old Blue Last in Shoreditch But do you think it’s a fair assessment of New York? was mobbed wasn’t it? How was it for you? A: I think that quote is about Manhattan, which is completely different from Ali: It was radical! Brooklyn. It’s like a different city. Cassie: I think it was my favourite of our London shows so far. When we were C: Yeah I mean, granted though, Brooklyn is becoming more and more like playing I had a really great time. Manhattan every month. It’s a very self-contained city, there’s no room to expand, A: Yeah. People went nuts; it was really cool. Also we got to play with Shitty so the rents just get higher and higher as more people move there. But I think Limits, who are great. We love them. Graffiti Island too, and the Pains of Being that we appreciate other places a lot in New York. I’m certainly always glad to Pure at Heart. It was a really good line-up. get out of the city, when we go on tour or whatever. I can’t speak for all New Yorkers, but… Actually while the Pains of Being Pure at Heart were playing, I asked A: Yeah we can’t speak for all New Yorkers, just like your guy David Simon my friend American Pete what he thought of them and he said, ‘all shouldn’t speak for all New Yorkers. Brooklyn bands are shit’. What do you make of that? C: Well I don’t think it’s true! Fair enough. Sorry this is such a harsh interview. I must say I really A: Yeah, I don’t agree at all. like the way that, in calling yourselves ‘The Vivian Girls’, you align C: A lot of the bands we often play with are from Brooklyn, and they’re all yourselves with Henry Darger. For the benefit of the people who don’t wonderful. I’m sure that there are a lot of shitty bands in Brooklyn too, but that’s know, can you just briefly explain who he was? the same everywhere. C: Henry Darger was a janitor who lived in Chicago, who was a janitor by day A: Who was he even there to see, if he thinks that all Brooklyn bands are shit? and a crazy artist by night. A: He wrote a 15,000 page novel about The Vivian Girls. Something tells me maybe Graffiti Island. They’re from London. I think C: He rarely slept, apparently. He made about a million paintings of The Vivian he was just talking about the tendency of bands like that to sort of Girls. re-jig their favourite periods of musical history together and earnestly A: And he was only recognised posthumously. peddle it as something new. Don’t they strike you as a bit like those battle re-enactment guys, who get together on weekends to replicate So why the association with the one of the most famous-for-not-ever- famous skirmishes from history? getting-famous outsiders of all time ever? C: This question makes me uncomfortable. I don’t want to say anything. A: Actually Frankie the old drummer came up with the name. A: They’re friends of ours, so… C: Yeah. Katy and I thought it was a cool concept, and we Wikipedia’d Henry C: And I mean who can avoid doing that anyway? When rock ‘n’ roll started, Darger, and we thought The Vivian Girls, like, were cool, from reading the wasn’t it just a combination of like country and the blues and jazz and a bunch Wikipedia. of other stuff? I feel like that’s the way it’s always been. Every new genre is just A: Yeah we’re not like Henry Darger connoisseurs or anything. a combination of a lot of other genres. Has anyone actually read the novel? For clarity here; how would you describe the Vivian Girls’ sound? C: I don’t think anyone’s ever read all of it ever. We’re on tour so much of the C: Well…our combination of components goes; surf, girl groups, shoe gaze, time that I don’t think any of us has got time to read it. We probably couldn’t fit it punk and pop. in the van. Apparently it’s longer than the collected works of Tolstoy.

How did you all get together? Let’s finish by talking about what I always want to talk to Americans C: Frankie asked me to start the band in March 2007, and around the same about these days; what was it like the night that Obama won the time Katy and I had been talking a lot about forming a band, so then the three election? And did you – of course you did – vote for him? of us started practicing together, and we formed Vivian Girls. We were playing C: Of course! shows and stuff for about a year, and then Ali replaced Frankie as our drummer A: I sure did. I was shocked and thrilled when he won. I was actually in Puerto in July 2008. Rico at my boyfriend’s house, coughing out a hit of weed. C: I was hanging out in a bar in Brooklyn, and every time Obama won a new Where’s Frankie now? state, we’d do a whiskey shot, and then when it was announced that he’d won C: Frankie plays in Crystal Stilts. overall, the bartender bought everybody a round of whiskey shots and gave A: Another Brooklyn band… everybody free beer. So then I got really wasted and puked and there were riots C: Yep. They’re kind of a mixture of The Velvet Underground, The Jesus and in the street and it was awesome. Mary Chain and Flying Nun Records. A: What better way to celebrate the election of a new President? A: Agreed. It’s what Barack would have wanted. I think we can stop there. The other thing I wanted to show you was this great quote from [The C: OK cool. Just make sure you try and make us sound as douche baggy as Wire creator] David Simon in [the brilliant!] Safe Crackers fanzine, possible. where he was in New York and he said; “…there is no city more vain about its position in poplar culture, more indifferent to other realities, myspace.com/viviangirlsnyc more self-absorbed than New York City. Manhattan is one big pile of money, and you guys think you know urban America and you don’t know shit anymore.” What do you make of that? C: But we don’t live in Manhattan. A: Yeah we’re from Brooklyn. It really is a whole different beast. Welcome to the future, as seen through the eyes of the optimistic people of the past. They dreamt about the space age, where the future would be a remarkable place full of bubbles, radiation and melted cheese. Through science and technological innovation you would just be one press of a button away from a convenient and hassle free existence. Ladies and gentlemen we give you the Kitchen Gizmos; a range of inventions showcasing humankind’s drive and desire to help everyone live a life of luxury and comfort, that is until you get tired of it and pack it away in a box at the back of the cupboard. Words: Per Steinar Nielsen Illustration: Adam Cadwell

FONDUE SET

Although this gizmo is hundreds of years old it had a big revival in the 70s and 80s. Want to throw a dinner party but without the hassle of actually cooking? With a new gleaming fondue set you can let the guests do the cooking themselves. Just melt some cheese in a pot, dice some dry bread, arm all the guests with a metal stick and command them to dip the bread in the cheese and call it dinner. This usually goes down a treat with most people. And while there is something gloriously tacky about the whole concept, there’s no denying that everyone likes melted cheese. The fondue set also has added kudos in the form of a portable open fire to have on your table. But no matter how exciting it is for a bunch of people to be scorching their mouths on small balls of cheese napalm the novelty of it all dies away quite quickly after doing it once. It’s not dinner, it’s a novelty. Soda Stream Doing a meat fondue is slightly more interesting. At least there’s the devilishly hot Any kid growing up in the 70s and 80s would have been exposed to this say anything. I just swallowed and convinced myself that it was amazing. No oil that might cause some entertainment. invention. This amazing contraption has the power to turn a bottle of normal child would ever say anything bad about fizzy drinks. Ingrained in my memory is my father’s face boring tap water into a crazy fruity fizz fest. What kid wouldn’t go into spasms from 15 years ago when a waiter threw some of pure happiness from the idea of turning their own kitchen into a fizzy pop Today the Soda Stream has had a redesign and is being sold to people hungry water onto a napkin on fire, caused by a large factory? I bet you could make kids drink donkey piss if you just added bubbles for some carbonated water. The punters who’re ‘Getting Busy with the Fizzy’ fondue oil splatter. Someone screamed and to it. I remember pestering my parents to buy one of these dream machines now are all comfortable do-gooders. They’re all very green and meaningful and the flames reached the roof. I think that’s what without any luck. It wasn’t until a friend of mine, who had much better parents they feel bad when they drag home bottle upon bottle of Coca-Cola and Fanta. fondue needs to make it trendy again; more than me, let me have a sip of a bottle fresh out of his Soda Stream that I So they get a new shiny Soda Stream instead. I guess you never get too old to pyrotechnics. learned the nasty horrible truth; Soda Stream pop tastes like ass. But I didn’t love the fizz. MICROWAVE OVEN ELECTRIC CARVING KNIFE

This is by far the most popular and used This nasty looking piece of equipment is the kitchen gizmo of the lot. Over 90% of ultimate lazy man’s kitchen gizmo. It’s basically American households have one. It also holds a saw that you can wield indoors and use to the title as the most ultramodern gizmo; it attack food with. The justification for owning looks like a TV and it cooks your food by one of these bad boys is usually that it makes radiation, and nowadays we just take that for everything really easy to cut, which is an granted. A microwave uses dielectric heating argument that would make a nation of dads to cook food, which to you and me means nod acceptingly in unison. I would say that if a that the food gets steamed by the water and proper kitchen knife can’t cut what you want fat particles inside of it. The name of the to eat, then you probably shouldn’t eat it. device inside the oven that generates the microwaves is as sci-fi as it can be; say hello The device itself consists of a handle and two to the Magnetron. serrated blades that move back and forth with impressive destructive force. It’s obviously a A microwave oven makes perfect popcorn, tool, and men like tools. This tool allows dads which incidentally was the first thing ever to to maul the Christmas turkey faster than ever be cooked using microwaves. I know that it’s before. They come in many shapes and forms possible to successfully steam vegetables and nowadays you can even buy cordless and fish in a microwave, but I did some ones. Why not keep one under your bed in experiments to see what else could be case of an attack? This could potentially be cooked using radiation. First I tried bacon. The a weapon and maybe that’s why it’s been book I was following said to put the rashers so popular. In that case, I say why hold on a plate and cover with paper towels. I can back? Why settle for a cordless ECK with tell you right now that steamed bacon should a measly 120W and an ergonomic handle? be criminalised. I never thought bacon, which I think Black and Decker should launch a is so delicious, could end up tasting like a 300 horsepower “Kitchen Saw” with gasoline rat’s foreskin. Next up I made a sticky toffee injection and a mahogany finish. Or why not pudding. I was fascinated by the prospect of make a laser that can do the job instead? baking something in the micro. It ended up When I’m a dad one day I will demand to have being very sticky indeed, but it tasted like wet a laser to cut the Christmas turkey. Demand sawdust with sugar on. From now on I’m only it I will. using the microwave to make popcorn.

TEASMADE SANDWICH MAKER

Welcome to Wallace and Gromit land. This It’s no surprise what this gizmo does. As a contraption could not have been invented matter of fact if you’ve never had a toastie in any other nation in the world. How you’re either seriously ill or raised by monkeys. quintessentially British it is to want to sit up The concept is simple; put more or less in bed in the morning and start the day with a whatever you want in-between two slices of shit cup of tea? The posher models uses tea toast, put it all into the machine which will seal bags and fresh milk, but usually this part alarm the edges, creating a pocket of filling hotter clock, part desk lamp and part kettle uses than lava, ready to blister up the inside of your powdered tea and powdered milk to create an mouth. Popular fillings are things like cheese, over brewed and lukewarm sad excuse of a ham, beans, cheese, Pot Noodle, spam cuppa. Back in the 50s, and probably amongst and cheese. It’s also popular to use tinned some grannies today, this was considered a spaghetti as filling, which personally I think luxurious way to spoil oneself. To me, having sounds disgusting; I don’t eat bomb shelter a boiling kettle that close to my head seems food outside wartime. You can easily dish a bit dangerous. I can’t help but wonder how up a dessert as well by simply spreading the many people have scolded themselves trying sandwich with nutella, butter and banana. The to stop the alarm. opportunities are frankly endless.

With the rise of espresso machines in the Although the sandwich was invented in the early 90s the Teasmade quickly went out of 1700s by an Earl hooked on gambling, it fashion. The touch of death for this Victorian wasn’t until Breville gave us the “Snack ‘n’ relic came in the form of Norma Major and her Sandwich” toaster in 1974 that the toastie confession that she had one in the bedroom was born. This was the first domestic sized of 10 Downing Street. But if you feel all sandwich maker. As a teenager I felt like I was intoxicated by the idea of sipping tea half cooking when I used this apparatus. That’s awake in bed, and you don’t have a butler or why I was sure to bring one along when I a significant other to help you out, you might moved away from home. It has saved my life just be in luck. The rumour on the street is on numerous occasions. The sandwiches it that John Lewis is bringing this baby back. produces might be full of fat and considered Let’s just hope they manage to make one that dirty and shit, but it’s nostalgic shit and I still can actually make drinkable tea. eat them. es definitely, we’ll do it.’ Hard up times in the re location, fresh graduation, shmedit smunch, and a total lack of experience in ‘Yanything other than ‘customer service’ in a very (pleasant) high pitched voice, have led to Mr Woosh and I being delighted at the prospect of data inputting for as long as the company may desire us. We reasoned it was enough to pay some rent in our empty flat, bit of mature cheddar from the mighty Tescos for the fridge, an IKEA cutlery set we’ve had our eye on, christened ‘bonus’ by the Swedes, at £1.99, and maybe half a pint of warm cider from the boat bar down the road. It’s so easy after all, address, tick, tick, tap, tap, tap etc. But ALAS these words have led to this infinite spiral of sameness, repetition, recurrence and a knowledge of incontinence we thought we would never have (and definitely at such a young age). CALL Day one and we are given numbers to log our breaks, natural breaks and everything else, so the company can avoid any possible unjustified pay. We are working in the call centre of this company. It has help lines for health, life, sky and subscriptions. Woosh and I are inputting for those with a weak bladder, ‘I experience the problem, once a week, twice, three times, everyday, or all the time everyday’. This input is mixed with inputting of ladies into an expensive make up brand’s database, oily, combination, dry and very dry. Yes. CENTRE On day one I made the hideous mistake of forgetting the Pod. Ow. Never forget music. It keeps the soul lolling along above the waves of data, without music the inputter runs the risk of sinking into thinking about what they are actually doing too much. And when you are inputting coupons for “The centre calling world of elderly women (and men) with incontinence problems for eight and a half hours, there is definitely the potential for life assessment, and consequent facelessness has become symptoms of dejection. They manifest themselves in; massive seat slumping, staring at people with a miserable expression, without realising you are staring at them at all, hatred for all people who are richer than you, and the something new to us, behind studying of people enjoying their work, how? Why? And general stomach, head and shoulder blade pain. Music also keeps Dr Input in their own special world, where they are important and they are them, it promote memories, the scenes as it were, you and creates an elitism, you are an eagle gliding above the chicken coop.

But too much ipod can make you mad. Thus Mr Woosh and I discuss things get to know everyone’s caller while we input. It started with how we can be get out of this place, cutlery we can buy when we are rich, a few mini squabbles, small ‘stolen’ touches idiosyncrasies, the personal – no one there knew we were a couple when we started – I thought it was still pretty hidden until an American asked in American if we were married ‘cos we were awfully intimate’. I think it was the sandwiches stuck together touch, the repetition, the in silver foil.

Anyway, regardless of ipod magic, the Woosh and I’s togetherness and INCONTINENCE!” chatter, and Woosh consisitently putting my status on ‘natural break’, NOTHING could drown out the loud people. Northern lady on our left, ‘NO, IT IS NOT A WASHABLE PAD, NO IT IS NOT FOR EXCREMENT’ Really? Then the short, Welsh choir, boomer, white haired, Lord of the Rings man, Words: Helen Martin ‘don’t rush, are you Welsh?’ ‘Get a pen, don’t rush’. ‘Are you…Welsh?’ No. The semi-boss woman with eyes like a squirrel who sniffs the air for our slacking, Illustration: George Mitchell and then the woman with a constant concentrating face who shouts at her team ‘I’ve got 6 callers waiting, come on team!!’ She definitely gets really smashed at the staff parties. The centre calling world of facelessness has become something new to us, behind the scenes as it were, you get to know everyone’s caller idiosyncrasies, the personal touch, the repetition, the INCONTINENCE!

It is weird and more entertaining than we had anticipated. Especially the incontinence poem. Genuine. I reason, for sure there are worse jobs, and the alternative is to do nothing. I just would like to see the little end at the end of the spiral, the idea of doing something that uses my brain is a bit of a dream. Mr Woosh and I have aspirations, and this crunch is putting a spider in our bed. However whilst at the coop, I have started; openly and blatantly embracing the Woosh, making more erotic lunches, laughing at the co workers, and listening to teach yourself Spanish on my pod. We are considering scarpering from the English lands. But then I think I would like to stick, to get a bit more motivated and work a little harder to get to where I want to, until then I, and everyone else, are still who we are. Just look at things a bit differently and you can see you no matter what you’re doing, and that’s definitely more important than money. And when you do reach retirement and you feel a little trickle, I can totally help you out. p PHOTOGRAPHY – SAM ASHLEY STYLE – JULIAN GANIO SLACK ATTACK MODEL – JACOB BLANDY

ACNE – Shirt £155 ILLIONAIRE – Shirt £70 FOLK – Shirt £105 HL JEANS CO. – Polo shirt £50 FRED PERRY – Polo shirt £60 FLY 53 – T-shirt £20 AMERICAN APPAREL – Trousers £48 ALBAM – Trousers £85 FRED PERRY – Trousers £125 ACNE – Trousers £160 FOLK – Trousers £115 AMERICAN APPAREL – Trousers £55 ONE TRUE SAXON – Shoes £85 ACNE – Belt £110 EVISU – Shoes £65 FOLK – Belt £45 OAKLEY – Glasses £99 TRETORN/ACNE – Shoes £180 CLARKS – Shoes £69 FOLK – Shoes £130 SUPERGA@OKI-NI – Shoes £99

acnejeans.com illionaire.com.au folkclothing.co.uk hl-jeans.com fredperry.com fly53.com americanapparel.co.uk albamclothing.com fredperry.com acnejeans.com folkclothing.co.uk americanapparel.co.uk tretorn.com acnejeans.com evisu.com folkclothing.co.uk oakley.co.uk onetruesaxon.com clarks.com oki-ni.com SEASIDER PHOTOGRAPHY – SAM ASHLEY STYLE – JULIAN GANIO MAKE-UP AND GROOMING – IAN JEFFRIES USING AVEDA MODELS – ESSIE JAGER AND RORY TORRENS AT M AND P MODELS SHOOT ASSISTANT – GEMMA ONSLOW THANKS TO STEVE @ THE HONEY CLUB, BRIGHTON

RORY ESSIE WOOLRICH – Jacket OLIVER SPENCER – Jacket FOLK – Cardigan FRED PERRY – Polo shirt RAG & BONE – Shirt NUDIE JEANS CO. – Jeans OLIVER SPENCER – Trousers N.D.C. – Shoes RORY ESSIE HAVERSACK @ OKI-NI – Gilet + jumper ACNE – T-shirt FRED PERRY – Trousers HOWIES – Longsleeve t-shirt KSUBI – Jeans OLIVER SPENCER – Scarf ANON – Sunglasses YMC – Shoes RORY ESSIE ALBAM – Blue jacket + zip-up sweater ACNE – Purple jacket + sweater AMERICAN APPAREL – Orange jacket YMC – Jacket NUDIE JEANS CO. – Shirt OLIVER SPENCER – Shirt WON HUNDRED – Trousers NUDIE JEANS CO. – Jeans UNIQLO – Belt FRED PERRY – Shoes BARRATTS – Shoes RORY ESSIE HL JEANS CO. – Jacket FRED PERRY – Blue jacket + belt + shoes YMC – Cardigan + trousers HOWIES – Pink jacket NUDIE JEANS CO. – Shirt YMC – T-shirt OLIVER SPENCER – Scarf 55 DSL – Jeans

55 DSL 020 3216 0022 ACNE 020 7580 0500 ALBAM 020 7242 5483 AMERICAN APPAREL americanapparel.co.uk ANON 020 3216 0022 FOLK 020 7831 2844 FRED PERRY 0207 632 2800 HAVERSACK @ OKI-NI oki-ni.com HL JEANS CO. 020 7242 5483 HOWIES 020 7490 5675 ILLIONAIRE 020 7251 9003 KSUBI 020 7251 9003 N.D.C. 020 7079 0536 NUDIE JEANS CO. 020 7490 7394 OLIVER SPENCER 020 7079 0536 UNIQLO 020 7331 1470 WON HUNDRED wonhundred.com WOOLRICH 020 7490 5675 YMC 020 7490 7394 OBJECTS

PHOTO: SAM ASHLEY PHOTO: OF DESIRE

• Coke/Diet Coke freedom chicken • Velo-Re Specialized infinity belt £9.95 via-cornwall.com £42 velo-re.com

• Fenchurch Loves Bottletop ringpull bag • Green Oil chain lube £200 fenchurch.com £5.20 green-oil.net

• Element Carnegie shoe • Lakai MJ2 Select Recycled shoe £58 elementskateboards.com £45 lakai.com

• Cue N’ 8 salt & pepper set • Green tin owl £25 ecocentric.co.uk £30 via-cornwall.com

• Laptop sail bag • Recycled sea glass necklace £99 ecocentric.co.uk £59 via-cornwall.com

• Recycled Bush wire radio £60 via-cornwall.com “Guys, imagine just opening the door and sending your cock off to get busy while you kick back and watch The Antiques Road Show”

Dragonfly [Odonata] Bedbug [Cimex lectularius] Paper Nautilus Octopus [Argonauta] Schlong, wanger, prick, nob, pecker, shaft, wiener, willy, dick, This magnificent quad-winged pro-flyer has a cock shape that would mean If you already thought that these bloodsucking little chaps were quite nasty The male paper nautilus is only 2 cm long and likes to hang around in open jimmy or johnson; just a few of the names we’ve given to instant ridicule in the showers after gym class if you were a sporty dragonfly. then hold on, it gets worse. The bedbug’s cock is like a sharp rod that he stabs tropical waters. The female on the other hand can get over 10 cm long and can, It’s shaped like a shovel. A dragonfly spends most of its life as a larva. It just into the female’s body. She has no snatch so the male penetrates her with his unlike the male, grow a 30 cm big shell. She’s huge and he’s tiny, which has this fleshy appendix that occupies so much of our thoughts. grows wings so it can start to fly around and shag. And they shag a lot. Female sword-cock wherever he wants and ejaculates straight into her gut. The sperm resulted in some intimacy issues between them. When the male finds a female But the human male’s reproductive organ is totally boring dragonflies get grabbed by the males left, right and centre and then intimately then travels via her bloodstream to a special gland, where it’s stored for future he feels he wants to shag he detaches his cock, which will continue to swim fertilized. But before they get down to business the male dragonfly uses his use. If she gets hungry she can actually decide to digest some sperm. Some by itself over to the female to do its business. It’s a free roaming cock. Guys, compared to what exists out there in the wider natural world. shovel-prick to scoop out the sperm of the dragonfly that just left out the door. males even go around raping other males, in the hope that some of their sperm imagine just opening the door and sending your cock off to get busy while you It’s all very romantic. This is an attempt to give each male an advantage in the will be passed on when the victim eventually stabs a female. Charming. kick back and watch The Antiques Road Show or something. Only problem is There are tiny ones and massive ones. There are dicks with big crazy game of evolution. The result is a big high-flying sex fest. that the male understandably gets lethargic after the loss of his best friend and stops eating which eventually results in him starving to death. funny shapes and animals with two dicks, and there are Fruit Fly [Drosophila bifurca] even a few chicks with dicks. The natural world of cocks is Blue Whale [Balaenoptera musculus] This lucky little fly got included, not because of the freaky nature of his little The animal with the biggest wanger is of course the biggest animal on the fly-shaft, but because of what comes out of it. This fly makes the longest sperm Garden Snail [Helix aspersa] amazingly fascinating and so we’re proud to present a few planet. The longest whale cock ever measured was about 10 feet (3 m) long, in the world. Yes, you read right; long sperm. Unlike humans he doesn’t produce Everyone knows the garden snail. He likes to wreak havoc in your vegetable highlights right here on this page. that’s 2 feet longer than the standard residential ceiling height. And that was a massive amount of sperm; he just makes a few really fucking long ones. His patch, he likes to drink beer and he melts if you put salt on him. He’s also a a dead one. No one really knows how big a fully erect whale cock is because sperm is 2.4 inches long, or twenty times the length of his body. When mating she; he’s a hermaphrodite and can choose what gender he wants to be. The Words: Per Steinar Nielsen Illustration: Adrian Peskin they don’t really know where they mate. Along with dolphins and elephants he manages to coil up about 50 of these cable tadpoles inside the female. He’s funny thing about this little creature is that he has his cock in his head, literally. the whale’s cock is prehensile, which means he can move it around a bit. You quite an artist. His Johnson is placed on the right side of his face and comes out like a snake know, for easier access. Also, a more official name for his schlong is dork, which during mating. To reproduce they connect their cocks together, I believe us makes calling people a dork slightly more fun. humans call this ‘docking’, and they shoot a small dart of sperm into each other. Spotted Hyena [Crocuta crocuta] Ok, here’s a strange one. Well, stranger. When it comes to hyenas it’s the female Barnacle [Balanus balanoides] who wears the cojones. She’s much larger than the guys and ranks higher in Here he is; the John Holmes of the animal kingdom. The barnacle is the animal the pack. And between her legs she has a massive wanger. It’s not technically with the largest cock to body size ratio of all living organisms on this planet. Bow a cock but a long shaft-like clitoris. The crazy part is that she can piss with it, your heads. His dick can become up to ten times the length of his body. For a retract it to get shagged by a poor wimpy male hyena and she has to give birth human this would mean dragging along a 60 feet (18 m) cock. The evolutionary through it. Where her stuff would be were she a man, there is what’s referred reason behind his behemoth member is that once he’s settled down on a rock to as ‘pseudo-testes’; two pouches filled with fatty tissue which serve no other or under a boat he’s completely immobile for the rest of his life. So in order to purpose than to make her look like a well hung male. And the female hyena reproduce he lets his old fella out to molest the females of the neighbourhood actually has more testosterone in her body than the males. She’s one agro bitch- at long range, all done from the safety of his shell. beast with a strap-on. COMPETITION

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