SummerTHE 2005 MICH I GANTHE MICHIGAN REVIEW R —E VIEW Page The Campus Affairs Journal of the Univer si ty of Michi gan Volume XXIV, Number 1 Summer 2005 MR
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summer2005.indd 1 6/20/2005, 4:06:29 PM Page 2 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — FROM THE EDITOR Summer 2005 PAGE TWO THE MICHIGAN RE VIEW The Campus Affairs Journal of TheERE Unoffi AT THE Michigan cial Review Michigan, Dress Code the University of Michigan we’ve noticed some emerging New Yorkers—One of the larger trends among the fashion styles caucuses here at Michigan, their undying James David Dickson H Editor-in-Chief of students. Students, more often than not, affi nity for the sub-par Yankees will be dress unabashedly according to clique. The expressed by hats, tees, sweatpants, and Paul Teske one ubiquitous accessory is, of course, the their iPods—onto which they’ve curiously Publisher iPod. We put together a small guide for the downloaded the organ songs from Yankee a star,MR this depressing bunch (often seen freshman (and slower upperclassmen and Stadium. protesting random causes across campus) Nick Cheolas grad students) to help wade through the spend most of their time reminiscing about Content Editor mess that is fashion in Ann Arbor. Art Schoolers—As Bohemian as the good ‘ol days when Mother Russia possible. Here on campus, they’ve single- loomed large. Sekou Benson Football Saturdays—A delicate balance handedly led the revival of paisley and Content Editor between wearing as little as possible, and as puke-green corduroys. For artists, you Scarves have, in the past few winters, much Greek Life paraphernalia as one can could be near-sure that they’re functionally become the “it” item. Try to restrain the Michael O’Brien manage. The offi cial season football shirt colorblind when dressing themselves. urge to strangle off the person who tries Content Editor is considered mandatory. to explain the different ways to tie your ASSISTANT EDITORS: Engineers—Glasses are a must-have for scarf. Carrick Rogers, Tomiyo Turner Monday Morning Class—On these students, leading the “geek chic” wave, Monday’s, students are likely to be dressed minus the “chic.” More often than not, Remember Members Only Jackets? STAFF WRITERS: Andrew Hoekstra, Aaron Kaplan, Jeremy Linden, more cheaply than any other day of the they’ll accessorize with TI-83 calculators Well, its dirty little stepchild, the Rafi Martina, Brian McNally, Ryan Steusloff, week. Frequent articles of clothing include and pocket protectors than iPods. Their NorthFace Jacket, is everywhere on Noah Tulin-Silver, Chris Steiber, Jim Suits, sweatpants, old shirts used for painting, shirts are invariably stained with drool, Red campus. As much as this University prides Patrick Teske and an iPod. Bull, and Mountain Dew. itself on being diverse, the most noticable Editors Emeritus: Michael J. Phillips diversity in color comes when talking about Friday Morning Class—Whatever you The überprep—This conspicuous the different color jackets kids sport around The Michigan Review is the independent, stu dent-run jour nal wore out Thursday night, and an iPod. group moonlights at Frat houses. Jeans are campus. of conservative and libertarian opinion at the Uni ver si ty of strictly prohibited, and the wardrobe was Michigan. We nei ther so licit nor ac cept mon e tary do na tions from the University. Con tri bu tions to the Mich i gan Re view Sorority Girls—Generally, tight, form- generously provided by Banana Republic. The astute reader might have noticed are tax-de duct ible under Sec tion 501 (c)(3) of the Internal fi tting black pants and/or sweatpants with You can often notice they’re coming by the that we think iPods are a wee bit of a trend Rev e nue Service Code. The Michigan Re view is not af fi l i at ed their letters strewn across their ass to give scent of overpriced cologne or perfume here on campus. But we wonder: now that with any po liti cal party or univer si ty po liti cal group. you an excuse to look. Many sport colorful from 100 yars away. everyone else has their earplugs in, what are Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the ed i to ri al board. Ergo, they are unequivocally cor rect and just. Signed tees or polos, when they’re wearing shirts. they listening to? Perhaps trendy Wilco? articles, letters, and car toons rep re sent the opin ions of the If there’s no snow on the ground, they’ll Professors—Usually more Classical Yo-Yo Ma? One thing is for sure, author and not nec es sar i ly those of the Review. The Ser pent’s Tooth shall rep re sent the opinion of in di vid u al anon y mous be in Ugg boots, and if there is, they’ll be underdressed than the stereotypical tweed the iPod is the single most ego-boosting con trib u tors to the Re view, and should not necessarily be in skirts. Mandatory accessory: gay best jacket with patches with the elbow would accessory a student can own. We can assure taken as representative of the Re view’s editorial stance. The opin ions pre sent ed in this pub li ca tion are not nec es sar i ly friend, and an iPod mini. suggest. Most professors here are notable you, our taste in music is much better those of the ad ver tis ers or of the Uni ver si ty of Michigan. We for their long hair, and stench of patchouli than your’s. And for all of you that waste welcome letters, articles, and comments about the journal.
Frat Boys—Often seen sporting oil, as well as their standard-issue iBooks those 20 GB on your iPod, fi lling it with So I now know the joy (er....horror) of the New Student Issue Lacoste shirts in pastel colors, making (and, of course, accompanying iPods) Justin Timberlake, 50 Cent, and the latest on summer nights. During the day...I’m getting paid to do nothing, Ruben is not getting paid to do something, and Dan, is one guess they’re these new-fangled “American Idol”--screw you too. MR sadly the only one combining the two. Ps...don’t chill reading “metrosexuals.” They’re protected from Marxists—Dressed in their *shirts this paper in East Quad...it’s fuckign weird in there.
accidental decapitation by popped collars. with pictures of either Che Guevera or Please address all advertising, sub scrip tion in quir ies, and donations to Publisher c/o the Mich i gan Re view. Editorial and Business Offi ces: ETTER FROM THE DITOR The Michigan Review L E 911 N. University Avenue, Suite One Ann Arbor, MI 48109-1265 HERE IS NO comprehensive “How to get the most out hard towards the degree he came here to get. [email protected] of your time at U-M” guide in existence. That is your job, We’re all here to get an education, but don’t forget that http://www.michiganreview.com one you will be expected to excel at from the moment you “education” entails all of the things you learn outside of the Tel. (734) 678-5116 • Fax (734) 936–2505 T Copyright © 2003 The Michigan Review, Inc. All rights reserved. set foot on this campus. classroom, the things that don’t show up on transcripts and test The Michigan Review is a member of the Collegiate Network. The Freshman Orientation edition of the Michigan Review scores. Get involved. Find activities which interest you and explore is set to ease you along in the adjustment to college life. Inside them; you never know where your interests will lead you, and you will fi nd articles on how to behave during your fi rst day at you’d be cheating yourself if you never took the chance to try class, a quick overview of the major issues on this campus, plenty and fi nd out. of informative guides on the places to go and the things to do in Ann Arbor – all of which are topics I never read articles about Very Respectfully, upon arriving to Michigan. What follows are the things we wish we had known when we fi rst came to campus. So, read the issue, take it with a grain of salt, and use it in a way that benefi ts you as an incoming freshman. Love us or hate us, The University of Michigan offers innumerable opportunities, Write us. if you are willing to seek them out. We have the chance to study under world-renowned scholars, to take educational risks in our [email protected] liberal arts curriculum, and to meet incredible people in the process. Or send mail to: Michigan students work hard and play hard. Come to campus The Michigan Review prepared to do both. Someone could – people often do – go Editor-in-Chief, the Michigan Review 911 N. University Ave., Ste. 1 through one’s entire four years at Michigan without leaving the 2005-2006 Ann Arbor, MI 48109 Fishbowl and getting into the scene; or vice-versa, one could party his days and nights away without balancing that out by working
summer2005.indd 2 6/20/2005, 4:08 PM Summer 2005 THETHE MICHIGAN MICHIGAN REVIEW REVIEW — CAMPUS — CAMPUS AFFAIRS AFFAIRS Page 33 “Ann Arbor is Boring” How to View Your New Hometown
BY JAAMES DAVID DICKSON nature of our student body, so show up a little early. Good to opposing goalies who allow Michigan goals). One visit way to have plans later on in the evening that do not require to Yost really drives home the importance of home-ice NN ARBOR IS a great city. But a word of advice: a lot of talking. advantage. Michigan losses at Yost are relatively rare. appreciate Ann Arbor for what it is, acknowledge A nice, warm slice of pizza pie from New York Pizza Arts and Culture – The University Michigan Society what it is not, and make the most of the place you A Depot is always a good touch before making the journey (UMS) is the “performing arts presenter” for the campus, will be spending nine of every 12 months for the next four back home for the night. bringing world-class musicians, dancers, and performers years. The people who complain that Ann Arbor is boring Michigan Stadium and Yost Ice Arena – Every from all over the globe to play in front of Ann Arbor often have not taken the chance to leave their houses or Michigan student should attend both a football and a audiences. Michigan students can usually get “student dorm rooms and explore it; do not fall into that trap. hockey game at least once before graduating. Michigan rush” tickets for $10, or pay extremely reduced rates at the Remember, bored is boring. Stadium – the Big House, the largest stadium in the land door, usually 50% off. This year, the Chicago Symphony Whether you like movies, a stroll in the park, arts, with maximum capacity around 111,000 – is the place Orchestra, the Vienna Philharmonic, and the Arab World sports, or music, Ann Arbor or the University of Michigan to be on football Saturdays during the fall. The sheer Music Summit, among others, are all coming to campus. likely have what you are looking for. What follows is a few hugeness of the stadium, which need be seen in person to Low ticket prices allow Michigan students who may not of the “hot spots” Michigan students frequent as well as be understood, coupled with always-competitive Michigan normally appreciate theatre or opera the chance to attend things we do when in search of entertainment. teams that have gone to the Rose Bowl three times in a show or two without breaking the bank to do so. The Nichols Arboretum – Dedicated by Michigan the last decade and twice in the last three years, creates a The annual Ann Arbor Film Festival, which will be in alums in 1907, “the Arb” is a 123-acre nature reserve on stadium atmosphere that is lively to say the least. Football its 44th year in 2006, is the “oldest fi lm festival of its kind the Hill area of campus, bordering Geddes, the Forest Saturdays are virtual drinking holidays, which start early in the country,” according to its promoters, and is likely Hills Cemetary on Observatory, and Washington Heights one of the best. Held during a weeklong period (literally steps away from Markley). each March, the Ann Arbor Film Festival screens Rain or shine, Ann Arborites and U-M hundreds of short fi lms, and is an excellent students alike spend a lot of time in the Arb. opportunity for area fi lmmakers and exciting For artists, the Arb is a more than worthy “Appreciate Ann Arbor for what it is, event for Ann Arborites. Coming so close to subject. Photographers and painters will fi nd acknowledge what it is not, and make the most the end of second semester, the Film Festival almost limitless exposures in the Arboretum. is a welcome change of pace from the pressures Large enough to accommodate sports, of the place you will be spending nine of every of student life. jogging, walking, and even those hoping to The Ann Arbor Street Art Fair, heading catch a quick nap – comfortably, as the groups 12 months for the next four years.” into its 46th year, brings a much-welcome need not infringe upon one another – the Arb infl ux of people into Ann Arbor during its quiet is one of the intanglibles that makes Michigan with pre-parties and end later that night at house parties summer months. Named the #1 Art Fair by the readers great. where we celebrate Michigan’s latest victory. of AmericanStyle magazine in October 2004, the Art Fair Don’t be that guy who spends four years at this Yost Ice Arena’s biggest strength, conversely, is its closes down South University and much of State St.; for University without ever having gone to the Arb. intimacy. While there’s something special about being that week, art takes over and traffi c is detoured all around Midnight Movies – The idea here is pretty self- in the stands with 100,000 other Michigan fans, the campus. The inconveniences are well worth it, and while explanatory. On select Saturday nights during the school excitement at hockey games is palpable; one really feels many pieces are simply too expensive for student budgets, year, you eat dinner early, get together with some friends, a sense of community in a crowd as small as that of Yost the excitement during the Art Fair, during which the entire and stumble down to the State Theatre on State St. between (approximately 6,500 seats). With a hockey team that town is abuzz and nearly half a mission people converge N. University and E. Washington, for the movie that starts has gone deep in the playoffs the last several years, the on South University, injects some energy into the dog days at 12 am. Yost faithful cheer on the Maize and Blue with rabid of summer. The movies themselves are generally recent, stuff intensity. Your experience in Ann Arbor will be what you make within the last decade (particularly the Big Lebowski, a And, despite the Athletic Department banning the of it. The University gives us the resources with which bit hit among U-M students, as evident by the always infamous “CYA” cheer – go to a game to see what I mean to enjoy our four years in Ann Arbor; take advantage of overfl ow crowds when it is screened), but also some older – the student section at Yost still rocks the house, making them and expose yourself to all the things this city has to fi lms (of which Rocky Horror Picture Show is by far the life almost unbearable for opposing teams, particularly their offer. MR most popular). Many midnight movies will play to packed goalies (“it’s all your fault,” the crowd chants repeatedly houses because of the novelty of the concept and the active
The Michigan Review wants YOU! We’re looking for writers to join our staff this fall. If you like what you read here, and are interested in joining, email: [email protected] or visit: www.michiganreview.com
summer2005.indd 3 6/20/2005, 4:08 PM Page 4 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — EDITORIALS Summer 2005 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW The Michigan Review is the independent , student-run journal of conservative and libertarian opinion at the University of Michigan. Some Sage Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the Editorial Board. Ergo, they are unequivocally correct and just. Signed articles, letters, and cartoon represent the opinions of the author and not necessarily those of the Review. You can contact the Editorial Board at: [email protected] Suggestions FROM SUITE ONE Keep Things in Perspective
INALLY, YOU’VE MADE IT; crammed with strangers into East Quad to take tests We Are MR for the summer, most of whom you’ll never see again. Then summer ends, and the Fgreatest chapter of your life begins. Here at the Review, we’ve put together in this The Michigan Review: summer issue a little advice for you, our fellow students. The fi rst obvious point is that the college social scene is different from high school. More options, of all sorts, become available to students. Michigan has enough groups, sports 24 Years Later t e a m s , and parties to keep twenty-fi ve thousand undergraduates happy. Amazingly ELCOME TO YOUR fi rst of hopefully many readings of the Michigan enough, it’s entirely conceivable that a student could attend college here without ever Review, the University of Michigan’s campus affairs journal. The Review partying with the same person twice. Whas traditionally presented the contrarian’s opinion to a campus that prides All throughout high school the invariable complaint for most of us seemed to be itself on its liberal activist roots. For 23 years, we have carried the torch of the minority “there is nothing to do here.” In Ann Arbor, the opposite may very well be true, with an “Right” intellectual thought on a campus. Now, approaching our 24th year, our goal abundance of recreational activities in which to take part. Do you go to the Blind Pig to still remains to challenge the ideals that permeate the environment around us. As young see a band? Or to Crisler to see the basketball game? Perhaps you’ll spend the evening conservative and libertarian thinkers, this challenging means that we aim to question with 500 of your closest friends at one of the Greek houses. A lot of people will try to do everything around us, even within our own belief system, so that we may understand everything. They will put up away messages that list the twenty things they are going to the world from a foundation principled in classic liberal ideals. this evening, and every time you sit down with them they’ll ramble on about the seven For us, free trade, small government, low taxes, and personal freedom are the wild things they did the night before. cornerstone of our fi lter for policy and governmental action. Our paper is not a Bill But maybe overextension isn’t the best plan for most students. Some have a wild O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, or Ann Coulter manifesto of pop conservatism. What we seek life, do all kinds of things, but all they’re left with is single-serving friends. Sociability is is a deeper understanding for conservative ideals in an intellectual young practical setting a great thing, but the friendships you make should cut deeper than ones enabling new that a college campus offers. We do not stay boxed up in a distant conservative world places to party on the weekends. This works in reverse, too. When it comes to crunch that creates the same distorted view of the world that the far Left creates. The Review time, nothing can help you deal with fi nals stress, or any other problems, like good friends embodies the idea of the socially intelligent conservative. We have liberal friends, date to vent with. liberals, listen when we argue our ideals, have worldly experience, and drink beer on the Speaking of fi nals, please keep in mind that in college, we are expected to do weekends (some of us on the weekdays). substantially more work than was done in high school. That means major exams and Conservatives are no longer the staunch, stuffy, old, white, rich, executives that they papers on a regular basis. And midterms come a lot faster then you would expect. Keep were viewed as when this paper began in 1982. Ronald Reagan changed the political your eye on due dates. Soon enough, you’ll be walking around in a daze trying to fi guring landscape with the “Reagan Republican” and we continue to carry on this torch. To where all the time went orn how on earth we can be having tests tomorrow. us, political debate and discourse is not about bogging the reader down with dogmatic Possibly the biggest shocker for a lot of kids here is that no matter how cool you were doctrine, it is about creating a discourse in which respect and civility are used as persuasive in high school—it means nothing in college. Unless of course you want to hang out with tools. This does not mean that we hold no foundation for our conservative values; on the all your friends from high school and ramble on about that one time you did something contrary, we have deeply rooted classically liberal beliefs. What distinguishes the Review really stupid at a football game or this cheerleader you almost made out with, it’s time to is that we understand that as much as we believe our convictions are right for America, move on and abandon the caste system life previously had to offer. Axe cologne won’t cause there is another set of people that believes their convictions are equally correct for our sorority girls to tackle you, and when you go to parties remember you’re back to being on country. Our goal is to understand why this occurs and to dissect why we have concluded the bottom of the food chain. You have to earn your coolness back. Formal cliques become that our view of the world is correct, or the best position available. less apparent, and although the people you hang out with may become more and more n order for us to make these conclusions we must continually be challenged by the regular, people here are generally willing to have a beer with just about anyone. left. This is the ethos of the college experience: good, intellectual, challenging, respectful It’s important to note, too, that college isn’t exactly American Pie or Animal House. debate. This is what the Review provides its readers. Although we almost always disagree There’ll be some wild nights, but more often than not, most of you will be spending your with similar Left-leaning publications on campus, we intend to always maintain a high glory days with your least favorite textbook. You’re probably not going to fi nd a group of level of dialogue so that we can reach out to the reader that typically would never pick us beautiful, intelligent members of the opposite sex that enjoy drinking, casual sex and are up, even as we cater to the reader who will always agree with us. We intend to create a STD free (or at least very easily). You’re in an entirely different social setting with hundreds new dialogue on campus, one in which understanding is at the foundation. Ultimately of options. So be sure to show off all those brains that got you here in the fi rst place. Get our goal is to convince you of the merits of conservative and libertarian values while involved and get some good friends and these will be some of the best years of your life. encouraging you to also understand the intellectual reasoning as to why we feel the left Foremost of these friends should include your roommates. Remember you’re all on is wrong. MR edge because you went from having your own room to being crammed into the closest Michigan considers a room. Cut each other some slack and get along, your roommate can easily be your best friend or greatest source of pain in your entire life. Interested in politics, law or We mean to be a bit blunt, a bit funny, and a bit chagrined. But this onslaught we campus affairs in general? call college will change your life, especially being here. You made a good choice, and with a few more good choices, these years should be your best. From all of us at The Michigan Review, welcome to Michigan. MR JOIN THE REVIEW
summer2005.indd 4 6/20/2005, 4:08 PM Summer 2005 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — ANALYSIS Page 5 The 5 Big Things to Keep Your Eye On
M Law School’s race-based admission policy Constitutional any disagreements which could lead to a work stoppage, BY SEKOU BENSON in Gratz, there was a press conference, partially sponsored before the conclusion of the contract. by the Michigan Review, to announce the kick off for President Coleman’s capital campaign and campus HE PUBLIC INTEREST Research Group in the proposal to be on the 2004 Michigan ballot. Due to renovations Michigan (PIRGIM) is a consumer advocacy group organizational diffi culties and numerous court challenges, As students wander through campus they will notice Tknown for liberal environmental issues. Some the proposal was not able to make it on the ballot in 2004. a lot of construction. The University is undergoing a students wanted MSA to fund a PIRGIM pilot chapter on The MCRI is aiming high for the 2006 ballot and appears facelift with building renovations, and new construction. campus costing approximately $20,000. According to its to have gathered enough petition signatures to do so. The Part of this rebuilding phase came to fruition in 2003 supporters, the main purpose of the funded chapter would group is facing numerous challenges from BAMN (By Any with the renovation of Hill Auditorium. There have also be to advocate for tenants rights and affordable textbooks. Means Necessary), a group with socialist leaning ties, and been renovations to residence halls. The University has The MSA vote to fund the chapter was halted by the a somewhat large and controversial presence on campus. undergone a project called the Residence Life Initiative, Central Student Judiciary (CSJ), the judicial arm of MSA, The group has fi led numerous lawsuits claiming that the which is intended to renovate all the existing residence due to concerns that MSA would violate its tax exempts MCRI has waged a dishonest and fraudulent campaign halls. Plans are also in the works to build a giant dining hall status by funding the group, because the PIRGIM had when collecting signatures. BAMN is attempting to have facility on the Hill. Other campus building projects include lobbied in the past. As a 501(c)3 tax-exempt organization the petitions overturned, and thwart MCRI’s attempts the demolition of the Frieze building to make room for a MSA had a 5% cap on lobbying expenditures and there was to gain access to the 2006 ballot. A group of progressive new residence hall, the renovation of the LS&A building, concern that funding PIRGIM could potentially put MSA students on campus have formed the Students Supporting a new building for the Gerald Ford School of Public Policy, over the cap. This CSJ decision prompted an audit of how Affi rmative Action (SSAA) group to distance themselves and the completion of the Life Science Institute in 2003. As much MSA has spent on lobbying activities. The situation from BAMN. President of the University, one of Dr. Mary Sue Coleman’s was further complicated because it turned out that MSA GEO jobs is fundraising. President Coleman in fact has made had fi led for a 501(h) election meaning they could spend The Graduate Employees Organization (GEO), the this the chief goal of her presidency. Coleman is embarking 20% of their funds on lobbying instead of 5%. An appeal union for graduate student instructors, held a one-day on a capital campaign called the “Michigan Difference” to the CSJ ruling was fi led and a decision on the appeal is walk out last March in hopes of achieving some demands to raise $2.5 billion for the University. Coleman hopes to expected at the beginning of the school year. Even with the for a new contract. Some of the GEO demands were maintain Michigan’s status as a world-class university and ongoing appeal, PIRGIM sponsors have been unyielding salary increases amounting to a “living wage,” designated ensure it for future generations of students. MR by collecting student signatures for a PIRGIM chapter and benefi ciary status for health insurance, and a ban on gender by also crafting a MSA resolution to fund PIRGIM if CSJ identity discrimination. The University agreed to the ban rules in their favor. The resolution failed, but PIRGIM may on gender identity discrimination, but GEO was not able to occupy a lot of the news in the year ahead. fully accomplish its other goals. The designated benefi ciary Killer Coke was the most interesting of the demands. This plan A coalition of progressive student organizations would allow GEO members to designate anyone sharing ranging from La Voz Latina to the College Democrats have a common asset such as a pressured the University to not renew its contract with the bank account to be on their Coca Cola corporation due to human rights concerns. The health insurance plan. The movement has also started at other universities including move by GEO was meant Carleton, Oberlin, and Bard, which have ended their to counter act the recently contracts with Coca-Cola. It should be noted that Carleton passed constitutional ban is a special case since its students control university on gay marriage, which investments. The alleged human rights abuses include many GEO members feared the murder of Columbian union workers by paramilitaries, would end the University’s the pollution of ground water in India, and the denial of same sex benefi ts program. AIDS drugs to African Coca-Cola employees workers. The The University argued that main basis for the protests was the University of Michigan’s the designated benefi ciary “vender code of conduct,” which Coca-Cola is accused of status would be too having violated. The vendor code of conduct stipulates expensive to implement and that U of M will only do business with corporations that would be prone to abuse. adhere to certain standards recognized as vital for labor The end agreement was that and human rights. Some of these standards are recognition the University would agree of the right to collective bargaining and compliance with to keep the current same sex regional minimum wages. The code of conduct also set up a benefi t package, but would Vendor Review Board to make sure that University vendors agree to re-negotiate if the adhered to these standards, and to make recommendations courts found the same sex to the University on purchasing decisions. The movement benefi t package violated the was given momentum when MSA decided to support the gay marriage ban. In terms goals of the coalition in March. There was hearing in front of salary increases GEO of the Review Board on whether the University should initially demanded that renew its contract with the corporation. As of press time full time GSIs receive a 43% a decision has not been made. increase over the life of the Affi rmative Action contract to make up for the It was thought that the US Supreme Court’s decision rising cost of living in Ann in the Gratz v. Bollinger and Grutter v. Bollinger cases ended Arbor. The University and the debate on race based college admissions. This has not the GEO eventually agreed been the case. An effort is being waged by the Michigan on raises up to 5% for full Civil Rights Initiative (MCRI) to ban the use of race in time GSIs. The contract college admissions decisions via a ballot proposal during the that GEO signed will last 2006 gubernatorial election. A month after the Supreme for three years. It will be Court announced its decision in 2003 that declared the U of interesting to see if there are
summer2005.indd 5 6/20/2005, 4:08 PM Page 6 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — THE GLOSSARY Summer 2005 Everything You Ever The Essential Glossary of All Things “Angell Hall”: Central campus students who get off on causing some hell from UAC last year for academic building characterized by trouble and intimidating students “Diag”: Harassment capital publicizing that Olympic Gold big white pillars, 24-hour operation, around campus. of the world. Characterized by Medalist and Michigan student communist janitors, and English Festifall, Goodness Day, Falun Michael Phelps intends to “major in professors that have plush offi ces “Big Ten Burrito”: Home of Dafa Guy (yes guy is a proper pussy” during his four years here. who choose to meet for offi ce hours cheap, delicious Mexican food that noun) meditating, Diag Preacher at hippy hang-outs instead. attracts the most drunk and most screaming “You’re going to hell”, “The Facebook”: The most stoned kids Ann Arbor has to offer. BAMN protests, Holocaust name technoligically advanced way to just “Angelo’s”: Popular eatery reading marathon, the LGBT kiss- *almost* hook up, and everybody’s curiously open only for breakfast “Buffalo Wild Wings”: New to in, and hot girls in the spring time. favorite distraction from papers. and lunch, but not dinner. campus in January 2005, it has Also, a sure GPA-killer. become *the* place to watch the “Diversity”: The quality of “Ann Arbor”: AKA the game. Cheapest beer on campus. possessing difference. In University- “Fish Bowl”: Angell Hall’s People’s Republic of, 27 square speak this means a quantitative computing site. Characterized by miles surrounded by reality. A city “Bursley AKA BurLodge/Baits”: value corresponding directly to large glass windows, people walking that sees more major events come North campus residence halls which the number of “underrepresented” around for hours on end trying to through than any small college town despite boasting the best cafeteria minorities attending. For example, fi nd just one damn open computer, probably is entitled to. in Housing is also characterized by a class with 100% Black, Hispanic, and rampant unproductivity due to many lonely nights of hating not and Native American students would sorority-girl-social-hour and high- “The Arb”, AKA “Nichols being on central campus and many be considered 100% “diverse,” pitched laughing by the Asian kids Arboretum”: Beautiful “living pissed off mornings of missing the while a class of 24% Asian at 3am. museum” of plants, trails, and bus. In Baits watch out for the Republicans, 41% White Green fi elds located near the University shared refrigerators…you only think Party members, and 35% Indian “Fraternities:” Groups of men Hospital. Characterized by couples that was your meatloaf. Democrats all of whom belong to who spend $500 a month for a on dates making out, sketchy old a variety of religions and socio- place to live furnished with cheaply guys masturbating behind trees, “College Democrats”: People economic backgrounds and have rented friends, date-rape drugs, and and ROTC jungle training lab on who support collagen injections as varying sexual orientations would membership to a group identifi ed by Thursday nights (dudes in camo a tool for political advancement. be considered 0% “diverse.” Greek letters that spell out absolutely crawling around in silly patterns). Happiest and easily the most self- nothing. See also, assholes. The Arb has the rare distinction righteous group of losers on campus “DPS”: Department of Public of being a favorite hangout of the following the November election. Safety. As you will learn from the “Gargoyle”: The University’s Unabomber during his University Daily Crime Notes, they have no offi cial monthly humor magazine, days. “College Libertarians”: College suspects…ever…really. which no longer comes out monthly, Republicans that want legalized pot, was never humorous, and no longer “Assholes”: See BAMN, MSA, and don’t sing Pat Greenwood songs “Econ 101”: A weeder class sells for a dollar. Per issue, the Fraternities, Sororities, PIRGIM, about old ladies in red dresses. required for B-school admissions Michigan Review is winning the GEO, The Michigan Review, see whose tests have scarcely anything contest as a funnier publication, also the College Republicans. “College Republicans”: A to do with the study of economics. which says something because we toolbox concerned with pushing aren’t a humor magazine. “B-School”: The University issues in the Republican platform, “Espresso Royale”: Known of Michigan Business School. many of whom will reach great for their conspicuous advocacy of “GEO”: The Graduate Student Characterized by caffeine-wired, heights in politics by kissing fair trade coffee, the coffee king is Instructors’ union that stands in anal-retentive individuals that will mucho ass. For example, drain the main competitor to corporate *solidarity* with virtually every probably make mad cash by selling commissioner and zoning board monolith Starbucks on campus. other left-wing cause imaginable. their respective souls to corporate are reachable goals. See also, Home of tragically hip indie kids Characterized by unkempt clothes, America. Assholes. and graduate students holding offi ce scruffy hair, and office hours hours. at Espresso Royale. See also, “BAMN”: The Coalition to “Dance Marathon”: The assholes. Defend Affirmative Action (and second-happiest people on earth, “Every Three Weekly”: A integration, and to stop the racist war and yes Disney was lying. Campus spin-off of the Michigan Review “Greens”: People that help in [insert country here] and whatever group that hosts 30 hour marathon humor section published through George W. Bush get elected. else they feel like adding in that for Mott’s Hospital every year that the University Activities Center. week) By Any Means Necessary. will have you so sick of community Watch the stupid kid next to you in “Hobo”: The homeless, and A collection of revolutionary service by the end that you’ll push a class think that John Navarre really “NO! 25 cents is not good enough.” communists and Detroit high school child into the street. did cause the holocaust. Caught In Ann Arbor the bums ask for 2
summer2005.indd 6 6/20/2005, 4:08 PM Summer 2005 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — THE GLOSSARY Page 7 Everything You Ever Wanted to Know... The Essential Glossary of All Things That You Will Encounter at U of M
bucks and don’t even invite you up diverse group of women, minorities, by trying to reduce greenhouse at the most ridiculous levels and to their apartment for a beer. The and lower-middle class and poor gases by one-quarter percent. See advocating communism whenever West Hall arch reeks from this trade students who put out a hard-hitting also, assholes. possible to spite their parents and and watch your garbage for daily can journal of commentary and analysis damn the man. collections. every two weeks with a commitment “Pizza House”: The unoffi cial “Sororities”: Groups of women to logic and truth so unyielding that restaurant of the University of who spend $500 a month for a place “In and Out”: A party store, get we’re the assholes. Michigan student body. See also, to live furnished with cheaply rented your mind out of the gutter. Good overrated, overpriced, open until slutty friends, the right to get drunk late night pizza. “Morlocks”: 1. Creatures in an 4am, and/or cheesy bread rocks. and screw frat boys, and membership H.G. Wells novel who never saw the to a group identifi ed by Greek letters “Jesse Levine”: Director of the light of day, dwelt in caves, glowed “Pop”: The correct term for that spell out absolutely nothing. campus zoo, or in other words MSA in the dark from lack of exposure the sweetened caffeinated beverage See also, assholes. President. to light, and consumed human fl esh which all you East-coasters might to live. refer to as soda, a popular baking “Sun”: A large ball of fl aming “Jaywalking”: This term ingredient. gas in the sky that disappears does not exist here, you asshole 2. Residents of East Quad sometime in October and returns just commuters. “Psych 111”: Blow-off class… in time for girls to wear tank tops “MSA”: The student assembly take this. and Dominick’s to open in April. “Jimmy John’s”: Located now of the University of Michigan. A on all four corners of the Diag, they college version of a student council “Queer Awareness Week”: “Taubman”: Alfred to be have reduced college students use the group claims to be able to do Annual event that encourages exact. Billionaire mall mogul and of the cook stove to the occasional many things for students, usually closeted homosexuals to “come University donor that is now…in “warming up my Jimmy John’s in around election time, and generally out.” Includes a kiss-in in which jail despite having a medical library the oven” use. And yes the smells fails to produce anything of you kiss a member of the same sex and architecture school named after are free. substance beyond “development” for everyone and their mother to see him. conferences and other perks for on the Diag. See also, a good day to “Kerrytown”: Where 1960’s themselves. Also great for resume take another way to class. “The Michigan Union”: Central era hippies hang out. Ann Arbor stuffi ng and pointless bickering. See student center fi lled with the joys of shopping district. also, assholes. “Rick’s”: Though you won’t Magic Wok and the most profi table get there until junior year, this is Subway in the country. “The Michigan League”: The “Naked Mile”: A grand old probably the hottest bar on campus. once-segregated hangout for women tradition here at the U where simple, Near Pizza House. Where you’ll “Village Corner”: Convenience on campus, it curiously hosts almost innocent, graduating seniors would have your twenty-fi rst birthday until store characterized by freaks that will all Republican-affi liated events on liberate themselves in the elation you throw up. take your fake ID, and sometimes campus. Also, where the Michigan of graduating and run stark raving your real one. Review offi ce is located. naked for a mile while dodging “Scorekeepers”: Also known as cops trying to take them down for “Skeeps,” this is a popular Greek “Zingerman’s”: A world-famous “Lloyd Carr”: Head Coach of indecent exposure. The advent of system hangout - that is, until you deli, most notable for it’s $15 the Michigan Wolverines Varsity sickos with streaming webcams and actually turn 21. Football Team. High “overall” a swat team parked on South U. the sandwiches and bread as hard as a winning percentage, high “I blew last day of classes at 12am is making “Shaman Drum”: A good, rock. But the food is delicious, and that one” percentage when it matters. this slightly more diffi cult. locally owned bookstore with a it’s a place you want to have your High…est paid dude at the school quasi-monopoly on books for the parents take you. MR too. Well, some doctor or something “North Campus”: Beautiful social sciences. is higher, but pretty close. sprawling campus of advanced academic facilities and residence “Snow”: White frozen stuff “Mary Sue Coleman”: President halls. See also, boring and far away that falls to the ground in Michigan of the University of Michigan. from everything. for the majority of your education Characterized by different head here. shots which look completely “Parking”: This term does not different and a half million bucks a exist in Ann Arbor either. “SOLE”: A student group year to run this mofo. for rich, white kids with liberal “PIRGIM”: A “research” group guilt. Members help alleviate the trying to coerce MSA into giving stress of being rich and white by “The Michigan Review”: A them $20,000 to lobby for students campaigning for workers rights
summer2005.indd 7 6/20/2005, 4:08 PM Page 8 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — GRREK LIFE PARTY Summer 2005 FACE OFF Is Greek Life for Me? O HERE YOU are, the beginning of four years (give or take a couple) at the prestigious University of Michigan. No one said jumping from a structured life of school bells and soccer practices to a blank page in Ann Arbor would be easy, but the time is here and you’re debating how to handle it. One of the big questions in most freshmen’s minds is Show one is to fi nd and keep friends in this new environment. Most are bound and determined to at least say “Hi my name is…” to most of the people in their hall, and to try to form a good relationship with their roommate. However, this is a far cry from the social network that existed in high school, and it’s hard to believe that the fi rst ten people that one is introduced to are meant to be life-long friends from college. So, one will no doubt try, parties where new friends are met, but then are never seen again. In addition, classes open up a realm for friendships to be made, but note-taking and other distractions will get in the way of socializing. Thus, by the end of the fi rst few weeks, many freshmen are looking for a path to secure friendships. Enter the possibility of the Greek system… However, before jumping on the bandwagon of the 18 guys in your hallway that are aiming to be Mr. GreekWeek 2004, consider some of the following “pros and cons” of the social brotherhoods and sisterhoods on this campus. PRO Excellent Camraderie Being Greek is Better than Going Greek CON S A REAL Greek, I was chosen by my Review brethren BY KARL SOWISLO BY NICK CHEOLAS to face off against my esteemed colleague and fake Greek ROM THE MOMENT freshman men and women walk on campus they will attend Afriend, Karl Sowislo. However, I want to let our readers fraternity parties, both good and bad, and see beautiful sorority girls (and some ugly know that I have no true disdain for Fraternities and Sororities. In fact, I am quite Fones) walking around with shirts that urge students to rush. Still, no questions will be honored that several thousand of my fellow students will pay thousands per semester answered as student intrigue continues to grow. Only after a long and sometimes daunting just to be associated with my ethnicity. There are many things one must consider before pledge term will student truly understand the overwhelming benefi ts of the unique and life joining the Greek system, so without further ado, I present the top nine reasons to remain long circle that they have entered. independent and proud here at Michigan (would have been ten, but I ran out of space). I am lucky enough to be the member of a great fraternity with a great history. My frat is 9) Ca$h Money: Each term, dues amount to $400-500. While many of us are Alpha Delta Phi, the house on State with the volleyball court. There are a number of other fortunate enough to have our parents shell out a good portion of tuition and housing wonderful houses at the University of Michigan, creating a Greek community which is one costs, they may not be as willing to dole out the extra $800-$1000 in dues. If they won’t, of this campus’ greatest assets. you have to decide if a job is worth it. The greatest benefi t of going Greek is the camaraderie and friendship that is built. 8) Those stupid party names for every day of the week: Margarita Monday, Tequila Brotherhood or sisterhood is built through working together, and most importantly, playing Tuesday, Wine Box Wednesday. Enough already. You drink every day of the week. together. Friendships, memories, and stories are made on football Saturdays when current Outstanding. Unless you are a second-semester, senior year Business School student (in members get to celebrate the college experience with alumni and friends in front of Greek which case you already have a job locked up), I don’t want to hear about how cool you Houses with music blasting. Large parties, supervised by sober members of the host house, are because you drank on Jewsday Tuesday. are held on weekends where people of all backgrounds come together to simply have fun. 7) Freeedommm!: Like joining any group or club at the University, pledging a These parties are pretty well regulated by the Greek system, and problems are rare. As parties house will require a good portion of your time and energy. This may have a number of become more private, membership in the Greek community becomes more essential for implications – some prefer to have more time to relax outside of class, some prefer to never admittance (unless, of course, you are a beautiful girl). These are aspects that drive Michigan’s have to attend functions at night, and some may prefer to stay in on a Thursday night to social scene and help make the Greek community redeeming. study for a Friday exam. The point is, Fraternities and Sororities are more than simply Going through a pledge process social organizations – they are involved in numerous activities throughout the year. While brings Greeks close together, adding some thrive on involvement and budget their time well, you don’t want to be halfway to the cohesiveness of the fraternity or through your pledge semester before you realize that you can’t handle all the activity. sorority. When a pledge fi nally becomes 6) The Greek system is racist: Sure, why not. It’s the “Greek” system, isn’t it? Greeks are a brother or sister, he or she cannot help “white” people. Why not the “Kenyan” system? The Greek system clearly isn’t committed but feel like a contributing member of a to diversity. Sure, every Frat has a token black guy, but is this really a “critical mass?” more important group. While a member 5) They’re homophobic too: I’m not really sure anybody has ever produced any actual of a house, there is always someone who evidence to support this, but the LGBT said it, so you know it must be true. is ready to party just a phone call away 4) The Greek system eats babies: Not literally (we think), but if you look at media as brothers or sisters become close friends coverage and administration treatment, you would think this was the case. Get drunk or who share the college experience with one smoke a joint in a private residence and guess what happens. Nothing. Ann Arbor cops another. It may seem cheesy, but it is true, generally won’t bother anybody unless they are causing a real, public problem. But if you the bonds that are made in a Greek House break some stupid Greek system rule in your house (like having more than 5.25 sorority are strong and will last forever. girls per every “sober” monitor in a house on an odd numbered Tuesday, drinking domestic Other benefi ts that should be mentioned include community service and community beer from a blue cup), you better head for the hills. Pretty soon, the media will be “shocked building, networking and ties that can help careers down the road, and the increased ability and appalled” at the Greek system, and the administration will subsequently pillage your to meet the opposite sex, as fraternities and sororites often party together. house (”Animal House” style), rape your horses, and ride off on your women. People often talk about the negatives of Greek life without having experienced any 3) Living under a microscope: Every action of the Greek community, good or bad, of its positive attributes. First, detractors complain that Greeks are buying friends, citing is magnifi ed (and you can guess what gets magnifi ed most). You can raise $10,000 for membership fees. A fraternity is an internally run organization that has to sustain itself - that cancer research, but if you get caught having an “illegal” party, goodnight. The same means paying a couple of hundred bucks each semester pays for essentials that all members pattern repeats itself every year: Frat house gets caught breaking a rule, administration use, like beer and more beer. Also, members are not buying friends because the fees are not threatens, the Interfraternity Council promises reforms, IFC makes fake reforms, and the meant to weed out certain types of people and maintain an elitist membership, a commonly houses routinely break the fake rules until another one gets caught. held misconception. Fraternities do choose their members, as they are a private entity and 2) Segregation: The real problem with segregation here at Michigan is between the have a right to do so; but, they do not choose based on social standing, but rather on the Greeks and the Independents. House parties are generally foreign to Michigan Greeks character of applicants and their potential fi t in a house. (unless said house party is preceded by the name of a sport, such as “Baseball House” or Others see the Greek system as houses of debauchery and immoderation. Although a frat “Crew House”), in which case the jersey chasers will be out in force. Frat parties (especially house can look like a dump on occasion, the stories of rape or death that can occasionally be now) are generally foreign to Independents. Much of the Greek system can be found read in the Daily do not represent the Greek system. The system does not condone sexual at Scorekeepers. Then they turn 21 and move to Rick’s. While pledging a house may misconduct, and has worked with great success to prevent it through mandatory seminars, and certainly make a large University feel small, the isolation factor is worth consideration. by allowing only cans of beer to be distributed at parties to eliminate the use of rape drugs. 1) You can’t just buy Greekness: They could have picked any other nationality, but Death is also very uncommon as hard drug use is not prevalent in the Greek community. they choose to steal mine. Somebody asked me if I had a Greek ID card once. I showed I encourage anyone who is at all intrigued by Greek life to rush and see if joining a them my driver’s license. Then he asked me if I had a real Greek ID card. I punched fraternity or sorority is for you. The memories I have gained by joining my fraternity are him right in the temple. These people perpetuate the stereotype that all Greeks do is invaluable to me, and I will always have a great group of brothers to share those stories with drink excessively, smoke pot, and hit on freshman girls. That’s ridiculous. I don’t smoke over a glass of beer.MR pot at all. MR
summer2005.indd 8 6/20/2005, 4:08 PM Summer 2005 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — RES HALLS Page 9 Exploring Dorm Life A Breakdown of Residence Halls at the University
BY SCOTT NICHOLS girls dorm there is not much going on socially, although second best on central campus, and can be supplemented residents from Couzens, Alice Lloyd, and Mosher Jordan all by the Care ConXion snack bar. Overall South Quad is a EING A FRESHMAN it can be hard to tell what eat here, thus making lunch and dinner the most exciting nice dorm if you’re here for the academics, or looking for each dorm has to offer. There are three main areas times around an otherwise quiet dorm. a large room, where you can stretch out. Bfor dorms, the Hill, North Campus, and Central Mosher-Jordan: Mosher-Jordan or “MoJo” as most Campus, each having its advantages and disadvantages. East Quad: East Quad has unique features about it Dorms on the hill area, which is on the edge of central that make it stand out from all other dorms. East Quad campus and farther away from classes than dorms truly is set up as a self-contained square-like quad with many CON on central campus, have an advantage over other dorms in different room shapes. It is the only dorm equipped with that they are very close to Palmer Field, which has a large its own theatre, and also has classrooms. East Quad is open grass area and tennis courts, and the CCRB (Central home to the Residential College (RC), a small uber-liberal Campus Recreational Building) which has basketball arts program within the larger University. courts, weight rooms, other various athletic facilities, and the Arb. Also the Hill Area is the main place where West Quad: West Quad is much like South Quad, freshman live. The walk to classes is longer than that but is even more centrally located. Since West Quad does of dorms at Central Campus, but is much shorter than not have the honor students that South Quad does, it waiting for the buses on North Campus to get down to tends to be a little louder at night, and has a Markley-like Central Campus. All the dorms share one characteristic: atmosphere. The rooms in West Quad are normal-sized over the course of the year a fi re alarm will be pulled in the Stockwell Hall compared to those on campus, though the building has middle of the night, which happens most often at South some unique parts like Williams and Rumsey House. Quad and Markley. There are some dorms like Fletcher, people call it, is mainly composed of students in the Simply, people in West Quad are generally older is thus Martha Cook, Baits, Helen Newberry, and Betsy Barbour Women in Science and Engineering (WISE) and UROP probably the most happening dorm on campus. The food that are left out, but this is because these are small, generally in Residence (UIR) learning community. Residents of is great since many athletes on strict diets reside there. And, private dorms, and because most freshman end up living MoJo usually only eat at MoJo when the weather is so if the meal is bad, one can access the connected Union in the following dorms broken down by their area. bad that the thirty foot walk to Stockwell is too much for foodcourt without venturing ourside. Finally, as the oldest them to handle; rarely are good things heard about their dorm on campus, West Quad boasts one of of the more The Hill meal program. MoJo generally is quiet and the rooms aesthetically pleasing views and unique architecture. Mary Markley: Markley is by far the quintessential are about the same size of those in Stockwell. It is a nice dorm, but only a small number of freshman not in the North Campus WISE program live here.
Alice Lloyd: Lloyd is home to the Alice Lloyd Scholars Program, which is a program that students apply for, and get perks like classes in Lloyd itself and more individual attention. The vast majority of Lloyd residents are in this program. The rooms are relatively large, but the meal program at Lloyd is sub-par thus like MoJo, most residents of Lloyd eat at Stockwell or Markley. Lloyd does have a snack shop/convenience store on the fi rst fl oor for your little cravings during the day, which is not present at other most other dorms (though the prices are a bit infl ated). freshman dorm here at the University of Michigan. Lloyd is a very good dorm because a lot of the students Markley is composed of almost one hundred percent here are alike, and its programs seem to help students with West Quad freshman, and has the smallest rooms of any dormitory class work and social life. on campus. Buying a loft will be essential to living here Bursley: The main problem with North Campus is as only some of the houses have building block furniture, Couzens: Couzens is much like MoJo and Lloyd in that, if you are not an engineer or music student, none which allow beds to be lofted. The food at Markley is that the meal program is less than adequate, but the rooms of your classes will be near your dorm. To get to classes better than most dining halls, but is far from great, as are relatively nice and large. Couzens, and the dorms residents have to take buses that run frequently on the is any dorm food. The best way to get a good meal at like it, have a more updated and upbeat feel to them, an weekdays (every 7 minutes), but not as frequently on Markley, or for any place on the Hill in general, is to go to advantage to the often dark rooms of the Hill. Overall, the weekends (up to 20 minutes). Bursley is the largest the Underground in Markley’s basement. Such delicacies Couzens and Markley are the two best dorms for incoming dorm on campus, probably has the best cafeteria, and has as hamburgers, chicken tenders, and the highly enjoyable freshmen on the Hill. all the features that make it an overall decent dorm, but Ben and Jerry’s pint can be bought by using meal credits, the overriding negative point is its distance from central for those of you trying to prevent the dreaded freshman Central Campus campus. Having a social life can be diffi cult, as parties fi fteen it is recommended to limit your Underground visits. South Quad: A lot of honors students and are generally located nearer to central campus, and you As compared to other dorms on the hill, Markley is by far upperclassmen reside in South Quad as compared to the must ride the bus do just about anything outside of your the biggest party dorm. Markley is not the best dorm to other dorms on campus. South Quad is a short distance dorm. Most kids detest life in the “Burloge,” and as much live in because of room size, but overall is very good because from classes, as are all the Central Campus area dorms. as the administrators try to talk it up, most students leave of its party atmosphere, and high Frosh content. The rooms at South Quad are very large compared to those Bursley at the end of the year with an abiding hatred for Stockwell: Stockwell is an-all girls dorm that has around campus and come with building block furniture, their former home. restrictions for other students who are looking to get in which is convenient, because you have the choice to or out at night. Stockwell’s rooms are moderately sized, but change from a loft to normal bed whenever you please. Overall, dorm life, no matter where you live on are not by any means the largest on campus. The corner South Quad is generally a quieter dorm with a lot of the campus, is a wonderful experience for incoming freshmen. stone of Stockwell’s success is its dining hall. Stockwell is residents in the honors program here. But on weekends, Though the walk to class may be long and arduous in the the best bet for meals on the Hill if you don’t want the fried the place is kicking, and one of the better dorm hangouts Michigan winters, you will have many pleasant memories food of Markley’s Underground. Since Stockwell is an all on campus. The food is not as good as Stockwell’s, but is of dorm-life, as long as you get along with your roommate
summer2005.indd 9 6/20/2005, 4:08 PM Page 10 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — CAMPUS LIFE Summer 2005 Break Up With Your Sweetheart Now— Or Later
BY MICHAEL O’BRIEN the phone crooning to your high school sweetheart about the summer than a random Wednesday afternoon before how much you miss them. Half of college’s experiences lie your big midterm. T’S REALLY A FASCINATING little game to well beyond the scope of the academic or the classroom; it’s So even if you come to school with a clean slate, ready play—watch how many of the kids on the Facebook very much a social, extracurricular experience. At parties, to meet your thousands of classmates, you’re not out of Iwho, at the beginning of the year, list their status as “in at football games, and even (for you North Campus the woods yet. Don’t enter into a serious relationship too a relationship,” dwindle away and list themselves as single kids) on the bus, its hard not to be inundated and a bit soon or even at all during your fi rst year. The fi rst nice within the fi rst month of school. Also, keep an eye on the overwhelmed by the hundreds of new faces you meet. Quite guy or girl you may meet may click just right during friends you’ve made—by the end of the month, if they’re frankly, it’s a blur. It’s through this, and your experience September, but there’s no reason to stymie your social life not tied up, or at least don’t have a regular “special friend” of your fi rst prolonged time away from home that most by getting too involved. It’s incredibly easy to miss a lot of on speed dial, well, then they’re lucky folks. I don’t mean students go through a somewhat substantial change in experience, and neglect developing your skills by doing the to be pessimistic, I really don’t. But it’s just far easier to themselves, no matter how much they try to resist it. And same thing every weekend with the same person. Getting break off that two-year high school fl ing now, rather than with these changes in self come wholesale reevaluations into a relationship too soon can be a great cause of doubt, in mid-March, when your boyfriend or girlfriend calls you of one’s relationships with others. Many students become as well. You may snatch up the fi rst suitable partner that at 2 am and swears that it didn’t count because they were much more self-aware, and their perspectives on things, if comes along, but that girl you pass every day on the Diag hammered. The same rule applies for getting yourself too not their opinions, shift around a bit. And sure, there’s a or that guy who sits near you in your Econ discussion will involved too soon when you get to school in the fall; it just good deal of pressure (and rightly so) to go out and make pique your imagination much more now that you’ve tied puts a damper on your social life. friends and be social. yourself down. Also, fanciful high school notions of what I realize that many might be reluctant to say good-bye The question any incoming frosh should be asking constitutes a good relationship wash away eventually as to that person with whom you just spent a serious portion themselves is whether, given this, they can even, in good the realism of college begins to set in. of the last several years of your life. There are all those sweet conscience, maintain a high school relationship. Why go The bottom line remains, though, that most students memories: your prom night, that fi rst date, whatever. But through the almost inevitable hell that comes through a are uncertain about what kind of person they are or where why would you want to sour those memories or muddy messy breakup via long-distance phone calls and furious they’ll be at the end of their fi rst year of school, let alone them in a messy break-up? You and your better half instant messaging? Why, especially if you can manage four years of college. Freshman year, with its varied and should really take a hard look at reality. Sure, it is entirely an amicable split after talking things out, with a good formative experiences, is just not the time for serious possible to maintain a solid relationship with substantial friendship that will be mutually supportive in the future? commitment. The fi rst year of college is just a much better differences between the two of you. But it’s sure as hell There’s a lot at risk by trying to hold onto every last thread experience, when done correctly, without a boyfriend or not probable. of those sweet memories, while a soon-to-be ex is slowly girlfriend imposing on your social life. MR College has a lot to offer when it comes to social turning the knife freshly stuck in your back. Break up opportunities. Welcome Week is a blast for most students, with your sweetie; it will be a lot less painful at the end of and you probably don’t want to spend that Friday night on Don’t Be on Time, Be on Michigan Time By Mike Kasaborski When your class actually does start, “boyfriend” noise because after all - you’re the dorks in your class, but sometimes you there is a strategy to seating yourself. This sitting next to her because you’re a good gotta do what you gotta do). As the fun guy RESHMAN – LET ME be amongst rule applies especially, if not exclusively, to guy, not because you’re an asshole that likes in class that exudes so much machismo that the first to welcome you to the recitations, seminars, and discussions. And staring at her chest. What’s more it will the hot girl sits next to him, your classmates FUniversity of Michigan and it’s sorry ladies, but this rule is sort of gender totally catch her off guard in a good way will love you! And isn’t that why you’re at glorious Ann Arbor campus. Over your specifi c, and not for the faint of heart. if you ask about her boyfriend. Ask his Michigan, for the approval of others? next four, fi ve, or even six to ten years here Gentlemen, for you I will share the single name, what he’s like, yadda yadda yadda. Where you sit in class tells a lot about (that better include grad school...), you will best piece of advice I can dispense to help But don’t ask “if he goes here.” That’s a you. And no, I’m not talking about smart discover the wonders that I, too, eventually you get through your boring classes: as you red fl ag that you are already hoping it’s kids sitting in the front, slackers sitting in found. As a little helping hand before you enter the classroom on the fi rst day, seek a long-distance relationship that you can the back. You’re at Michigan, everyone sits embark on your academic journey, the out the hottest girl in your class. Try and break up. Don’t scare her off and don’t in the back. But the really smart kids sit Review would like to offer you some be smooth about it (engineers, therefore, jeopardize your position as the guy that next to hot girls. And the really hot girls friendly advice that you will find very must unfortunately skip this strategy), sits next to her. sit wherever they want because they are useful in your fi rst few weeks. and without drawing much attention to Eventually, your seat next to her will hot and do as the please, so you better sit As you will learn during Orientation, yourself with freshman-guy clumsiness, sit become your territory. The two of you, or next to them. If this advice seems sexist, “Michigan Time” refers to the 10-minute next to her! Start talking to her, but not more if there are other good-looking girls chauvinist, or utterly insensitive to the spacing for classes. Hence, a 10am class like you’re interviewing her. Introduce in your area, will have staked out a claim concerns of ugly people and socially inept really actually and truly begins at 10:10am, yourself, ask her where’s she from, where’s to your territory. No one will dare move nerds, then you are absolutely correct. But and so on and so forth. Your fi rst day of she living now, etc. Casually say something in on your space. With this territorial frankly, those kind of people are so sexually class, however, you will undoubtedly show witty about how terrible dorm food is or domain, you can carve out a good group frustrated that they infer innuendoes from up thirty minutes before your class actually how crazy BAMN is – make her laugh! of people to sit with. Hopefully you have their engineering homework: you know, the begins. There you will all be, thirty or so Seem informed, and seem cool (because been endearing them to you over the fi rst problem about the tangent line penetrating freshman neurotically arriving early, all let’s face it, you’re probably not). few weeks of class with irreverent remarks the diameter of the circle? Whatever…so staring at your watches in a vacant Mason This seating strategy doesn’t stop after about the stupidity of your GSI, the that’s not a real problem/it lacks any sense. Hall hallway, collectively watching the time the fi rst day though. Even if during your horrible grade you got on your last paper But I was too busy staring at the hot girl I’ve tick by. Don’t do it. Michigan Time means initial conversation she pulls that “I’ve got (tip: you always do poorly, but you always been sitting next to in my Psychology class exactly what it says - class starts 10 minutes a boyfriend” shit. Whatever! Don’t let it are confi dent enough to laugh it off – this all semester to think of anything intelligent. after its posted time. Get yourself a little phase you (p.s. -most hot girls at Michigan seems to work), or hilarious comments Hot girls are sweet. Oh, and the same thing more sleep and save yourself from staring have boyfriends; if this is not the case, about the weird kid in class (disclaimer: applies to the ladies for getting guys. MR at a watch for 30 minutes. they must be crazy). You can handle that the Review does not condone ripping on
summer2005.indd 10 6/20/2005, 4:08 PM Summer 2005 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — AROUND CAMPUS Page 11 Our Dirty Little Secrets Some Tips to Help Navigate the Campus
BY JIM SUITS Ralph Williams all else fails you can make yourself a salad, your M-Card on the white, Ann Arbor AMPUS IS A BIG place, made Your professors are smart people, and grab a sandwich, or go for cereal, which is Transportation Authority ones, which U- bigger still if you do not know many of them are leaders in their fi elds. available at every meal. Take advantage of M students ride free), and can take you all Cthe name and location of every They’re also a bit absent-minded, so if your meal plan – you will miss it once you over the city when searching for the best building you pass or professor you see. you don’t take the time to get to know no longer have one. deals on useful merchandise, like pencils, Rather than try to memorize maps or make them, they won’t even notice another face Big Ten Burrito ramen noodles, and beer. fl ash cards of names, you might want to in the crowd. Ask questions, do readings Of course, sometimes the cafeterias do Student Publications start with a few of the basics: – and above all, attend class. It helps if not cut it, or are not open. Fortunately, The Daily can be useful to keep current Belltower your instructor makes class fun, and some the campus area has oodles of restaurants, on campus events, though you might want Every University student has, at some professors have regularly won awards for serving everything from tacos to noodles to verify anything you see before repeating time or another, heard chimes emanating good teaching, like English Professor often available in the wee hours of the it as truth. But diversity being one of the from the bell tower prominently anchoring Ralph Williams or History Professor Matt morning, a reasonable price, and delivery University’s hallmarks, be sure to expose the Ingalls Mall. Few know that when Lassiter. Either way, take the initiative if necessary. Since dorm residents pretty yourself to a diverse set of viewpoints. the carillon (the technical name for the to explore deeper. You may meet some much have to eat out on Saturdays anyway, Chances are, if you are reading this paper, instrument at the top of said tower) is interesting and brilliant people in the it is good to know the culinary choices your views are not mainstream and you being played, the deck is open, providing process. available. are not going to take whatever people try an aerial view of central campus, and Tom Goss The one free parking spot to pass off as contemporary gospel. Keep even the stadium. With every conceivable While few UM students will recognize Down there; row 5, about 6 spaces an open mind, and you should have a fun, architectural style represented on campus, the name, almost everyone knows him by from the end. Between the green Toyota productive, and memorable undergraduate entire days can be spent walking the sight as the harmonica player in front of and...never mind, it’s gone now. Incoming career. Go blue! MR hallways and appreciating the diversity of the Undergraduate Library. But that’s just students never seem to appreciate that there buildings. moonlighting – you’d never guess he spends is no parking in Ann Arbor. If you insist Cooley Refl ecting Pool his days in the labs of the Natural Science on bringing a car, you may be able to park Depending on your major and Building as a Senior Research Associate. a few furlongs from campus and then take residence hall, you can go all four (or Sometimes, you’ll overlook things in your advantage of the conveniently-routed... five) years at Michigan without ever time on campus. Never be afraid to dig Bus system setting foot on North Campus. Contrary deeper – challenge your assumptions, If you do not know someone with a to rumor, engineers won’t attack unless and challenge what you’re told. Even car, you will want to learn where the busses physically provoked. More importantly, if something looks or sounds right, go. They are free (you will need to show the atmosphere is peaceful, even relaxing, triple-check. Penicillin was discovered and certainly much more quiet, on North by accident; what else is waiting to be Campus. Although the fortress-like uncovered? Media Union (a.k.a. Dudersdadt Center) Michigan Student Assembly dominates the landscape, other highlights The Michigan Student Assembly is the include an earthquake simulator, wind most high-profi le student organization on tunnel, and nuclear reactor (for more campus. The MSA’s primary focuses are: academically-minded students); or the Holding bi-annual elections nobody wave field, a piano-shaped pond, and notices or votes in, passing resolutions refl ecting pool for the more normal folk not directly pertinent to the University, among us. building members’ resumes, and doling Hill Auditorium out money to other student organizations. Virtually every globally-renowned No matter what else you do while at this performing arts group has, at one time or university, find a student group that another, made its way to the U. Whether at piques your interest among the hundreds Hill Auditorium, the Power Center, or one on campus. of the other venues on campus. Few places Rec Sports can offer the wide range of performances U of M has one of the most that visit Ann Arbor, especially for a city comprehensive recreational sports program its size (100,000) so you’re best not to in the country. 3 recreational centers, miss out. including the oldest Intermural Building Trade Secret: Performances by in the country (known conveniently as the University-affiliated groups are usually IM Building). You can join an intramural inexpensive (or free!), and are a great place team in any of more than two dozen sports, to take that special someone. or drop in for a light workout whenever Those Other Sports it’s convenient. Most fees are included in There are 30 Varsity or Club Varsity your tuition, so you have no excuses for the sports at U-M. While nobody can fi nd Freshman 15. Except perhaps... football or ice hockey tickets to save their Chicken Broccoli Bake lives, the others generally feature vast rows Cafeteria food is limited by its very of empty seats, and you can get in to most nature, but few can resist the allure of of them free with your M-Card. So why the dining halls’ most popular dish. Since settle for a seat in row 78 of Michigan they can not (or will not) serve it every Stadium when you can be so close as to day, though, you should if nothing else smell the action in Cliff Keen Arena or try something new. The selection offered Fisher Stadium? by most dining halls is substantial, and if
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