Commentp16 Robert Should private Redford talks education be Hollywood, abolished? politics, and Lions for Lambs For ladies who live the leisurely life Interview p26 Fashionp20 Issue No 665 Friday November 9 2007 varsity.co.uk

e Independent Cambridge Student Newspaper since 1947 University Peterhouse crushes Nursery fails Ofsted report Emma Inkester Senior Reporter student ball protests The University Nursery at West Cambridge has failed its recent Ofsted inspection, according to a » Condemnation of college as students threatened with fi nes damning report released this week. The nursery, which provides childcare for approximately 100 Camilla Temple removed the posters from students’ student parents at Cambridge Chief News Editor rooms without consent. Although University, was judged to be inad- two students claimed to have left equate in all fi ve areas in which it Peterhouse College have attempted their bins outside their rooms, the was examined on October 19. This to suppress student protests over the bedders reportedly came later in the resulted in a complete failure of the cancellation of this year’s May ball. day and removed the posters. inspection and a notice stating that The protests were sparked by The protestor responsible for the nursery does not meet the Na- frustration at both the fellows’ and the posters told Varsity, “If the fel- tional Standards for Under Eights the JCR’s handling of the situation lows were willing to talk to us we Day Care and Childminding. and were spurred on by national wouldn’t need to do this. It’s a way The report detailed how only media attention. Protests took the of making ourselves heard.” 15 out of the 26 staff hold ap- form of a large banner suspended The University’s Proctorial no- propriate qualifi cations in Early from the chapel, extracts from na- tice on discipline reads: “No mem- Years Practice. It claimed that tional newspapers covering the ber of the university shall intention- they “fail to consistently follow cancellation scattered throughout ally or recklessly impede freedom suitable hygiene procedures”, so the college and campaign stickers of speech within the precincts of that “young babies are being put placed in pigeonholes. the university.” Unfortunately the at a high risk of cross-infection”. One student said she thought Proctors were not available to con- Children are also “not always “the protests were good as they fi rm whether the alleged activities provided with food which is suit- showed that the students weren’t of Peterhouse authorities are in able for their needs”, and are ex- going to take things lying down. breach of this law. pected to eat long lengths of spa- It was defi nitely embarrassing for One student told Varsity that ghetti with a teaspoon so that “as the college because it was done at a friend of his had been called to they are unable to chew the food the weekend when there are lots of see his Director of Studies, Dr CONTINUED ON PAGE 2 visitors around.” Raffenden, who is also the Senior On Saturday night, students Tutor, about the possible legal im- who are not affi liated with the JCR plications concerning a Facebook Interview hung a sign from the college’s chap- message he had posted on the wall el which read “Save our May ball”. of the campaign group “Save Peter- Adrien Brody This was removed immediately. house May Ball 2008”. The student The JCR President Ben Fisher posted on the site: “It seems to me and Jason later forwarded to the college an the college is behaving in an in- email addressed to him from the creasingly high-handed way with- Schwartzman College Bursar, which said: “I got out ever taking real responsibility wind of yet another scheme, this for the poor performance recently. time to plaster your beautiful Bar When will individual Directors of with copies of Varsity. Your con- Studies up their game instead of p24 stituents should be very, very clear passing the buck?” He was report- that any action, however entertain- edly told by Dr Raffenden that ing, which causes damage or ex- what he had said was considered pense, including banners, stickers, “defamation” and could be consid- whatever it may be, will lead to the ered a legal issue. Despite repeat- full cost of repair, cleaning etc being ed attempts by Varsity to contact charged to your [the JCR’s] already All of the protesting posters have now been removed NORMAN BRADLEY Dr Raffenden about these allega- pressured funds.” tions, he has not commented. In the forwarded email, Fisher charge us money for daring to be plained that this equates to interfer- One student who wished to re- Letters 8 commented to students, “I do not offended.” ing with their personal mail and that main anonymous because of con- believe the Bursar is joking on this Stickers which read “Save the it is “unacceptable”. cerns about the college’s disciplinary Comment 10 point. I would therefore ask you to Ball” were also distributed in stu- Students put up posters in their approach said, “If your two points of carefully consider any such action dents’ pigeon holes during the early rooms in Old Court where they contact in college, your Director of Idler 11 before carrying it out.” hours of Saturday morning. Uncon- knew fellows would be walking Studies and Tutor, are against you, One Peterhouse undergraduate fi rmed reports suggest that mem- past on their way to the Governing who are you supposed to air your commented, “They’re still refus- bers of the college authorities went Body meeting on Monday to discuss concerns to? Maybe you are not sup- Reviews 30 ing to talk to the undergraduates, through pigeon holes in order to the ball. The colege has refused to posed to air your concerns?” and yet seem to think its okay to remove them. Students have com- comment on claims that bedders CONTINUED ON PAGE 2 The Anorak 37 Chief News Editors: Katherine Faulkner, Katy Lee and Camilla Temple Friday November 9 2007 2 NEWS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news

In Brief Fight outside nightclub leaves student in hospital An altercation which took place outside Club 22 on Sunday night left one student in need of hospi- tal treatment. A rowing team ap- proached the club but were report- edly refused entry by a bouncer on the grounds that they were drunk. Allegedly, a rower then spat in the face of a bouncer, who retaliated by punching him, causing a con- cussion. Witnesses say that when a friend of the rower’s tried to in- tervene, he also received a blow to the head. Although one student is believed to have needed several stitches and an overnight stay in a local hospital, police said that they were not required to intervene as CCTV revealed that the incident lasted “two minutes”. One student, however, said he found this diffi - cult to believe, telling Varsity: “he was completely beaten up.” Alex Glasner Halloween assault on schoolgirl An assault took place in Cambridge on a schoolgirl aged just 16 last Wednesday. The girl was attacked on Halloween as she walked home Professor Neil Turok addresses Cambridge University’s Scientifi c Society TIM JOHNS along Almoner’s Lane in Cam- bridge at half past fi ve in the evening. A man is said to have en- gaged her in conversation briefl y before following and attacking her. Police say they “would like to speak with anyone who was in the Almoner’s Avenue area at this time on Wednesday.” They added, “The assault occurred during the early LIZZIE ROBINSON evening when the area would have Bonfi re Night fi reworks on Midsummer Common been busy with people returning home.” The girl’s attacker is said Thousands fl ocked to Misummer Common on a bracing evening to watch the spectactular annual display put on by Cambridge City Council too have been white, about 5ft 10in, aged between 40 and 50 years old and of a heavier than average build. Any- one with information is encouraged to contact Detective Constable Day Peterhouse protesters Babies at risk of infection at Parkside Police Station on 0845 456 4564 Kate Adams supressed by college at University Nursery Jewellery smash and grab on Market Square CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 Following these protests and the JCR committee.” Another said, some children end up regurgitat- in which there is limited scope for A jeweller’s on Market Square national media interest, the JCR “he’s in a tricky position, trying to ing it”. Furthermore, the report children to form close relation- was burgled on Tuesday in broad Committee of Peterhouse has now please both students and fellows.” highlighted ineffi cient storage of ships with staff. daylight. Cambridge Police have changed its policy and are campaign- Fisher refused to comment fur- milk, which as a result became un- The university subcontracts not yet caught the three men who ing to have the ball reinstated. ther on this issue. safe for consumption before being nursery provision to a company carried out the burglary on Map- Fisher told the student body: The position of the Sexcentenary distributed to children. called Bright Horizons Family So- pin and Webb. The men, who are “It has become obvious that I Club, Peterhouse’s JCR Commit- Ofsted inspector Heidi Falconer lutions, which has been blamed for described as black and in their late have spectacularly misjudged my tee, is further weakened by the fact stated that “children’s safety is the oversights brought to light by teens, apparently smashed a win- handling of this situation, and I that they failed to ratify their con- signifi cantly compromised”, de- the report. A spokeswoman from dow and snatched jewellery before apologise and accept full respon- stitution when it was last due for spite carers commanding a suit- the company said: “Whilst we running in the direction of King’s sibility for this.” He continued, renewal. As a result, they now con- able understanding of child pro- are proud of Ofsted’s recognition Parade. The police are currently “the Committee will reverse its stitutionally lack any offi cial power. tection procedures and creating of parts of the programme at the looking through CCTV footage position of not acting and will do The college authorities have a child centred environment. “In nursery, we are very disappointed for clues toward establishing the its utmost to get the May ball re- made no comment on the matter to addition to providing children about others, and we consider the thieves’ identities. instated. I hope that you will give the undergraduates. One student with food which has not been pre- overall fi ndings to fall short of our This recent crime is the third raid us the chance to show you that the commented on the “deep resent- pared appropriately, staff consist- expectations for excellence in our on the store in three months. In Sexcentenary Club [Peterhouse ment among all undergraduates ently block designated fi re exits nurseries. We are bringing all re- July, a man armed with a gun used JCR Committee] still has teeth, about the casually dismissive way with play tents and book cases,” sources to bear to make important a claw hammer to smash glass and can still bite.” in which the fellowship deals with she said. improvements at the nursery.” cabinets and steal jewellery worth One Peterhouse undergraduate the relationship between junior and Concerning the education pro- A student parent living in a fl at £140,000. said that before this change of di- senior members of college.” vided for nursery age children, above the nursery in West Cam- Dora St John rection “the JCR committee were Although Fisher was forbidden the report said that “children do bridge told Varsity that, even be- in real trouble. Lots of people were by college statutes to speak per- not make good progress in all ar- fore the publication of this report, talking about holding a vote of no sonally to the Governing Body, on eas of learning” due to the “lack of she refused to enroll her child confi dence. Their recent actions November 5 he sent the fellows a knowledge” of those working with there. “They had babies who just have defi nitely restored confi dence letter in which he detailed six dif- them about the ways in which seemed to cry all the time, as if in the committee’s ability to repre- ferent reasons for the reinstate- children learn. As a result, they they weren’t picked up all day.” sent our opinions.” ment of the ball. are given “too few opportunities The University has stated that 52 Trumpington Street Cambridge CB2 1RG However, sources close to the The letter undermined the aca- to acquire new knowledge and it is “deeply concerned by the JCR Committee said that Fisher demic grounds for cancelling the skills”. Staff apparently do not fi ndings of the Ofsted report, but FREE CHELSEA BUN remains “completely aligned with ball, pointing out that “last year engage the children in conversa- reassured that Bright Horizons With every purchase over £2.00 in the shop college authorities. He is very none of the Committee members tion during activities, so that they have vowed to take swift action OR concerned about staying chummy failed their exams, and the major- are often “expected to sit without which will be closely monitored. with the Bursar. He should be ity of them gained a 2.i”. Fisher purposeful activity for extended They have “insisted that the nurs- FREE MORNING representing the undergradu- reported on the meeting to stu- periods of time”. ery quickly reaches the standard COFFEE/TEA ate voice to the fellows, not vice dents: “The Governing Body con- Falconer expressed concern of excellence that parents and we (9am-12pm) With any cake or pastry in the restaurant versa.” Another remarked upon sidered the subject at length and about “negative impact on chil- expect”. “a worrying lack of leadership in concluded that it sees no reason to dren’s self esteem and confi dence” on presentation of this voucher the JCR” and claimed: “most ide- alter its decision.” caused by the fact that their “in- and proof of student status as seem to be coming from under- The JCR last night held an open dividual needs are not suffi ciently » Student parents: graduates at large rather than the meeting to discuss the campaign. being met”, describing a situation full investigation p6-7 Friday November 9 2007 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk/news 01223 337575 NEWS 3

Calamity vases back on display at the Fitz » Ceramics experts ‘very pleased’ with the results of the restoration process

Camilla Temple new location is that visitors will be able to walk around them.” Chief News Editor Penny Bendall, the Suffolk- Three 17th century Chinese vases, based ceramics conservator who which were damaged last year when restored the vases, said, “The a visitor to the Fitzwilliam Museum sheer size and weight of the vases fell down the stairs and collided proved a challenge at times dur- with them, have been restored and ing the conservation process but I are now back on display. am very pleased to have brought Nick Flynn, who caused serious this extensive project to a suc- damage to the vases as he tumbled cessful conclusion. down the stairs in January last “The emphasis on minimum inter- year, was arrested on suspicion of vention has hopefully demonstrated causing criminal damage, but was that, in the majority of cases, con- servation to exhibition standards can successfully be achieved with- out excessive retouching.” “The sheer size and The Fitzwilliam has launched an interactive feature on its website weight of the vases to accompany the return, with a proved a challenge time-lapse video showing the res- toration of one of the vases. at times during The visitor who caused the smash in January 2006 was originally said the conservation to have accidentally slipped on a process” loose shoelace. He was attended to by staff fi rst aiders at the museum, but was asked by the Institution “not to visit them again in the near not convicted. future”. The vases smashed by Mr Flynn Nick Flynn, 42, from Fowlemere date from the latter years of the in Cambridgeshire, told the press reign of the Kangxi emperor at the time: “It was just a regret- (1662-1722) and are painted in table accident. I snagged my shoe- enamels with traces of gilding. lace, missed the step and crash, The lidded baluster jar, 80cm in bang, wallop there were a million height and weighing 45kg, has now pieces of high quality ceramics ly- been set up in a specially designed ing around underneath me. “ case and is positioned in between The regular visitor to the Fit- two smaller porcelain jars of “yan zwilliam added that, “seeing they yan” shape. The vases are togeth- were the prize possession of the er thought to be worth in excess museum, I thought they might take £100,000. a little bit better care of them.” Director of the Fitzwilliam Mu- He said: “I think they are a bit seum Duncan Robinson said, “We embarrassed at the moment, with are very pleased with the result of them being worth such a consider- this major restoration project and able amount, and there is no way delighted to see the Qing vases my pocket will stretch to reim- back on display in the museum. burse them for the damage that “The risk that sunlight and heat I’ve done.” would eventually degrade the ad- At the time of the incident police hesive used in their conservation said they had ruled out any mali- has prevented us from putting cious intent. However, Flynn was them back in the window recess arrested later in the year on sus- where they were originally dis- picion of criminal damage. He was played, but the advantage of their released without charge in June. Penny Bendall supervises the installation of the vases in their new case THE FITZWILLIAM MUSEUM, UNIVERSITY OF CAMBRIDGE Meningitis students make full hospital recovery » University says there was no link between the three cases at Trinity and St Catharine’s

Katy Lee es but as meningitis is more preva- lent at this time of year students Chief News Editor are advised to acquaint themselves Meningococcal septicaemia: the facts Three students admitted to Ad- with the information provided on denbrooke’s Hospital last week college websites and to remain with meningococcal septicaemia vigilant.” have been discharged and the The spokesman continued, “Those What is meningococcal How is it transmitted? What are the key University has confi rmed that no who could have been at risk of in- septicaemia? symptoms? further cases of the infection have fection through close contact were ◆ The bacteria normally spread been reported. identifi ed and treated.” ◆ Meningococcal septicaemia between people in close and ◆ A rash occurs in two thirds It was revealed on October 28 St Catharine’s College has been is a form of blood poisoning prolonged contact by cough- of cases. It usually starts as that a male Trinity undergraduate working with the University and caused by the same bacteria ing, sneezing and kissing. a cluster of tiny blood spots had the infection, and students at the Health Protection Agency to in- as those that cause meningitis. ◆ People of any age can carry resembling pinpricks on the St Catharine’s were informed by vestigate whether or not there was ◆ While meningitis is an infec- the bacteria for months with- skin. If untreated, these blood the Senior Tutor through emails on a link between the cases. The Uni- tion of the membrane and out showing any symptoms. spots will join to give the October 31 and November 1 that a versity has now confi rmed that the fl uid that cover the brain and appearance of fresh bruises. female fi rst year student and a male cases were not connected. spinal cord, menigococcal sep- Why is diagnosis so If you press the side of a clear in the third year had also contract- “We’re all very relieved,” said ticaemia occurs when when diffi cult? drinking glass fi rmly onto the ed meningococcal septicaemia. one St Catz undergraduate. “It was the damaging bacteria enter spots or bruises, they will not All three students were admitted pretty scary for a while – the death the bloodstream and multiply ◆ The disease is often diffi cult to fade. to Addenbrooke’s Hospital, where rate for meningoccal septicaemia is uncontrollably. diagnose because the symp- ◆ High temperature or fever, they were treated until Monday. about 20 per cent, and there were ◆ The disease is much more toms can be similar to those sometimes with very cold A spokesman for Cambridge loads of rumours going round that dangerous than meningococ- of fl u. hands and feet University said, “We are pleased to more people had it than actually did. cal meningitis, with a death ◆ They may develop over hours ◆ Aversion to light report that all three students who A friend of mine went down to Ad- rate of 20 per cent compared or several days. ◆ Severe headache contracted meningococcal septicae- denbrooke’s with similar symptoms to meningitis’s death rate of ◆ Symptoms do not appear ◆ Aching joints mia last week have been discharged but it turned out to be nothing. fi ve per cent. in any particular order and ◆ Neck stiffness from hospital and are at their re- “It’s good to know the students some may not appear at all. ◆ Stomach cramps spective homes recovering. are recovering. Overall I think the “There have been no further cas- college handled it pretty well.” Chief News Editors: Katherine Faulkner, Katy Lee and Camilla Temple Friday November 9 2007 4 NEWS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news

Varsityprofi le » Chris Bagstaff

Camilla Temple that he cycles around “picking up leafl ets and making enquiries about Chief News Editor jobs. I play the music for a kind of release. I like to play music to suit A recognisable fi gure in Cambridge, my mood. If I’m angry, the music » Chris Bagstaff, 36, spends many of will be angry too.” 7 his evenings riding round Cambridge He is originally from the village attempts it took varsity to get an on his bicycle, playing music from his of Orwell in Hertfordshire, and interview Sony cassette walkman and amplifi er lived with a foster family until he speakers, which he keeps in a plastic was twenty eight, at which point bag hung on his handlebars. he moved to Cambridge to live in a His activities have led, perhaps fl at in the village of North Arbury. inevitably, to a considerable accumu- He has worked as a kitchen porter lation of student apocrypha. Mr Bag- at Brown’s restaurant and told Var- staff is known to some students as sity that he is currently looking for a Crackly Radio Bike Man, the Cam- similar job. bridge Legend and Rage. Theories When Varsity interviewed Mr » abound as to the purpose of Chris’ cy- Bagstaff, he was wearing a Marilyn 10 cling. Some have suggested that his Manson t-shirt, one of his favourite amp speakers used by chris to play music is a protest and that he wants artists along with Black Sabbath, his music to bring anarchy back to the streets. Wasps, Crimson Idol and Man ’O Others claim that he never stops cy- War. He picks out Sick Love Song by cling. One of the stranger notions is Motley Crew as one of his favourite that he acts as a roving, interest-free songs, a track his Italian girlfriend change bank for the city’s homeless Lemeira introduced him to. He says community, while it has even been that he hopes they will get engaged suggested that he is aggressive and in the near future. should not be approached. Toby Par- Chris attends an adult education » nell, the creator of a six-hundred- course at C-Tech. He says: “I en- 624 strong Facebook group dedicated to joy it and have made a few friends members of facebook group ‘what Chris, said that “generations of un- there.” He spends many of his eve- is the tramp on the bike with the dergraduates have been fascinated nings, and particularly Saturdays, crackly radio doing?’ by his mysterious ways and his very cycling around Cambridge. “I don’t unique taste in music”. have a particular route, I just know Mr Bagstaff himself explained my way around.” Chris Bagstaff, playing his music around Cambridge DAVID SMITH

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Friday November 9 2007 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk/news 01223 337575 NEWS 5 Lord Levy addresses the Union » Labour fundraiser would support a limit on political donations

Tom Moriarty Lord Levy called for a change in the way political parties are funded in a speech at the Cambridge Union on Wednesday evening. Caius Levy, who was the key fundraiser for the Labour Party under Tony In pursuit of banter Blair’s premiership and was ar- rested and questioned in connection A bewildered historian was ru- with the “Cash for Honours” inquiry ing the day she ever succumbed in 2006, argued that a cap of around to peer pressure this week when £50,000 should be set on the amount a formal swap, located in the cus- of donations political parties can tomary disreputable curry house, receive. He also claimed that there took a decided lurch towards the should be more state funding of po- debauched. Having been persuad- litical parties. ed by her small but forceful friend The “Cash for Honours” scandal that all the gentlemen on the swap itself remained unmentioned until would be the delicious and irre- after the speech when questions sistible young professionals of the future, she was surprised to fi nd herself seated between two portly and altogether unbecoming indi- “Bush has never DYLAN SPENCER-DAVIDSON viduals, both completely and utter- ly lost to the land of bacchanalia. been to Israel or When the fl oppy haired scoundrel to her right insisted on mounting to the Palestinian his chair in the pursuit of “banter”, authorities since he’s a polite waiter gingerly suggested he might prefer to be seated. Our been President” poor antiquarian could only look on in horror as the effeminate rogue decided upon exposing his genitals Levy was good natured in the face of taunts over the “Cash-for-Honours” scandal DYLAN SPENCER-DAVIDSON by way of reply. were taken from the fl oor, and a Trinity student asked if he could arrest and questioning over the cash he’s been President of the United rael, he was also committed to the buy a peerage with a ten pound note for honours scandal last year, Levy States”, and added that he felt creation of a Palestinian state. He Hertfordshire which he proudly showed the room. was keen to discuss his role as Tony Condoleezza Rice was not a good later answered a question about the Levy laughed and replied “there’s Blair’s special envoy to the Middle enough substitute. effect his faith had on his ability to Religious bum-slapping always one”. He joked that the mon- East and his passion for fundraising. Bush’s lack of effort up until re- work with various Arab leaders by ey would buy him a couple of drinks Levy was sceptical about the cently was, he said, caused by po- saying ‘I don’t think one should hide A devout lady Christian has been in the bar in Parliament, but little peace process, despite recognizing litical manoeuvring and attempts what one is or what one stands for… caught smearing excrement on else, and admitted that the enquiry that “in this area, one has to be an to distance his administration from Just because one is a proud Jew and the front of her neighbour’s house, had caused a lot of damage to the eternal optimist”. In particular he that of his predecessor Bill Clinton. believes in the state of Israel doesn’t singing the Lord’s Prayer at him government and to himself and his admonished George Bush’s inaction He warned that if the “baton” of mean that everything the Israeli and slapping her bottom in his family. He later declined to answer a during his fi rst seven years in offi ce US support for negotiations is not state does is right’. He concluded by face. Her neighbour complained question about the alleged interfer- whilst claiming to be interested in passed from Bush to his successor, encouraging the audience to “stand that neither the dustman nor the ence of Downing Street in the case, fi nding a solution. Gesturing at the there would be “no hope” for an tall and be very proud of your faith postman would approach the house claiming: “I truly have no idea what crowd, he angrily complained that agreement in the near future. and what you believe in, but also after the evangelist had done her Number 10 said or didn’t say”. “Bush has never been to Israel or He also made clear that, despite respect and understand what other religious and putrid worst. She Despite being best known for his to the Palestinian authorities since being committed to the state of Is- people believe in.” was reportedly obsessed with her neighbour (whose wife was driven away by the neighbour from hell) and the smearer is reputed to have said that she can “forgive, but not Tories call for immediate tuition fee review forget”. Our spy was impressed by her ability to take the » But student sceptics say impact of fees is already ‘blindingly obvious’ moral high ground in an incident Ben Baratt three per cent. But UCAS recently which involved reported that university applica- an indecent dis- Conservative calls for an immedi- tions recovered this year to record play of her own ate review of tuition fees and more high of 531,898. CUSU President rear end. She transparency about what universi- Mark Fletcher has urged caution. has also ties offer today’s “savvy consum- “The 2009 review has been in place been sen- ers” have provoked a mixed reac- for quite some time, and with the t e n c e d tion in Cambridge. timing of the Offi ce for Fair Access for biting During a speech made at Shef- agreements it would seem wise to a police Josie Edwards: shit fi eld University on October 31, keep the timetable that is already offi cer. smearer Shadow Secretary of State for In- in place,” he told Varsity. novation, Universities and Skills Following a protest against tui- David Willetts argued that waiting tion fees held earlier in the week Manchester two years for a planned review of at the University Old Schools, a fees would be “a waste”. spokesperson for Cambridge Edu- Grauniad Grabber Willetts told Sheffi eld students cation Not for Sale told Varsity that establishing an effective, long- that the group is disappointed with A highly esteemed and widely ap- term fees policy would be much eas- the Conservative proposals. Al- plauded national newspaper has ier if the next two years were “spent though agreeing with Willetts that been caught red handed stealing collecting data, talking to people or students “now regard themselves from Varsity’s very own treasure analyzing what is happening.” as customers”, the spokesperson trove of juicy student titbits. Our A statement released by Cam- added this was largely because fees spies were appalled upon spotting bridge University has supported ensured they were “paying through their own hard graft neatly re- plans for a close scrutiny of tuition the nose for Higher Education”. worded in Hugh Muir’s Diary. And costs, “based on several years of ev- The group is calling for “free educa- he didn’t even ask. Nor, may I add, CONSERVATIVE PARTY idence if it is to provide a thorough tion, funded by taxing the rich.” Willetts calls university students “savvy customers” do we think that he chose our most insight into the impact of higher “We know what fees do to higher exuberant tale. Here at Cambridge fees”. The University nevertheless education, we have been watching valuable feedback to teachers. morning starts “too close” to sur- Spies we pride ourselves on our in- made no calls for the offi cial review it happen for ten years now,” he In contrast, he heavily criticized vey time. timate knowledge of bodily fl uids to begin before 2009. added. “We don’t need a govern- the National Student Survey, cit- CUSU had already voiced its dis- (and solids), and were thus mortally The Conservative plans for an ur- ment study to tell us what is blind- ing reports from vice-chancellors satisfaction with the NSS for be- disappointed to be so tamely repre- gent review come only a year after ingly obvious.” of universities manipulating the ing “over-simplistic to the point of sented in the national press. The the fi rst students were charged fees Willetts praised the UK versions conditions under which students meaninglessness”. In response to Comment Editor foolishly setting of up to £3,000 for tuition at Eng- of websites such as RateMyProf. complete NSS forms in order to im- Willets’ comments, Fletcher said, his shirt on fi re is hardly the best lish universities. The same year, com for providing an anonymous prove results. Examples included “here is yet another criticism for of what we have to offer. Shame on university applications dropped by voice to students and providing witholding bills and avoiding early the list!” you, Mr Muir. Chief News Editors: Katherine Faulkner, Katy Lee and Camilla Temple Friday November 9 2007 6 NEWS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news News Investigation Cambridge’s unseen student parents As a damning Ofsted report reveals severe inadequacies in Cambridge’s childcare provision, Katherine Faulkner and Emma Inkester meet some student parents who say they need more University support

as child care support, fi nancial aid She says that whether tangible family social activities. “They are what would happen if they did have » What the and so on is also provided and is help materialises is largely depen- funded by CUSU and the Graduate kids. I have a mix of people coming University says available as needed through discus- dent on the student’s college. “Some Union, which is a shame because it’s to me - most people plan quite far in sion with the student concerned on have their own family society hard to fi nd space in our budget”, advance and already have children. The University claim that in no way an individual basis.” within them, the most active being says Walko. She has campaigned They need to know which colleges do they discourage applications But Kerstyn Comley, President Wolfson which has a coffee morn- to add advice on how to deal with a have family fl ats available. A lot of from student parents. “There is no of the student-run Families Society, ing every Saturday morning,” she student pregnancy into the Tutor’s colleges don’t have any family ac- discouragement to graduate stu- said: “On the whole the provision said. “Other colleges are a bit hit guide. She says: “There’s no struc- commodation at all. dents applying and being accepted, for student parents at Cambridge and miss depending on the year. My ture at the moment; it’s all com- “Five years ago there were no nor to supporting them if they be- is not that great. The general atmo- own experience was it took a year pletely ad hoc and that’s the main central information service and no come pregnant during the course of sphere is that when you are a stu- before I heard about the Childcare problem.” central nurseries. The University their studies here,” said a spokes- dent here you’re expected to give Clerk, Cassie Marks. When you Cassie Marks says: “The major- has been making a concerted effort person. “Though less common, the your entire life to the university. To get to Cambridge there often isn’t ity of students with children are to improve things but there’s still same is true for undergraduates have commitments outside of it is enough support in the early stages, graduate students and the major- room for improvement. Childcare here. Each instance is treated in- not looked upon that well. from tutors and so on.” ity of those are grad students from in Cambridge is notoriously very dividually by discussions between “The provisions for pregnancy CUSU Women’s Offi cer Elly overseas. Undergraduate parents expensive. People have to think the student and her College.” are a little bit undefi ned. There Shepherd agrees. “Tutor and Di- are a small minority. We can pass on twice about the costs. There are The University says that the aren’t enough people getting preg- rector of Studies attitudes vary any information to parents in terms pockets of funding, but it will nev- provision made “depends entirely nant to make an offi cial policy. hugely,” she says. “Some have of childcare, or in terms of funding er be enough to pay for childcare. on circumstances” but that “most When these situations arise the of- been very understanding, others and university services available We try to give people the informa- colleges have fl ats for students and fi cial policy of the University is that have defi nitely not been.” Welfare to them, but we can’t get involved tion at the application stage. We these often are used for students they are keen to support students Offi cer Andrea Walko claims that in counselling pregnant students. I do want to widen access, but they with families. Other provision such with kids.” the university is reluctant to fund can just provide the information on have to know the costs.” “You can feel very isolated” WE HAVE HIGH HOPES Sarah*, 30, is a classics undergraduate who came to Cambridge with a fi ve- FOR YOUR CAREER. year-old daughter and a three-year-old WWW.CH P.CO.UK/CAREERS son

“The University isn’t that great with other people in the same at supporting student parents. position. There is a University For example, an issue which nursery, but I wouldn’t send my made my first year really diffi- children there. We lived above cult was the library. My college it and they never took the chil- library is very poorly stocked dren out. You could hear them Graduate and my faculty library closes crying all the time; it was actu- Presentation at 6 and if you’re doing a school ally quite stressful. The staff run it’s very difficult to study in were there from 8am to 6pm; that time. they must have lost their pa- 6.30pm Tuesday 13th November “My Director of Studies in my tience with them. The Garden House Hotel first year was awful, completely “There should be better net- hopeless. I flagged the whole working facilities for student Register by emailing issue and he was just totally in- parents. The University want [email protected] for a chance to win a different. My tutor tried to help to distance themselves from Nintendo Wii. by getting me access to the Uni- anything like that because of versity Library which would any legal issues. An email went have been really helpful, but at round a while ago trying to set first they just ignored us, then up some kind of student par- eventually they just said no. ents’ network, but the Universi- “In the end my faculty let me ty wouldn’t have anything to do borrow some more books but it with it. Family society events took till second year and it was are quite sporadic really and such a battle for my whole first there’s hardly anything specifi- year. I know that loads of stu- cally for student parents. dents had a similar problem. It “There’s a family coffee morn- was only the fact that they had ing at the University Centre, then set a precedent for doing but I went to it once and it’s CHP Consulting is one of the UK’s leading management and IT consultancies it with someone else that made really more for wives of people to the financial markets. With offices in London, Chicago and Sydney, CHP is fast developing a global reputation. them agree to it. There’s just so who are here. The coffee morn- much red tape. ing itself was when I had lec- If you are a top graduate capable of becoming an expert in finance as well as the “Student parents tend to get tures anyway. There should be latest software technologies, we want to hear from you. Ideal candidates will hold pooled and put in the ‘mature ways of meeting other parents. a degree of 2:1 or better, have achieved excellent A-Level results and possess the interpersonal skills consultancy demands. student’ colleges which don’t The college I go to is a mature have as good resources. In terms college and I know there are In return, we offer a starting salary of £35,000, comprehensive benefits, ongoing of financial assistance there is a other student parents because training and a sensible approach to the working week. No wonder CHP ranked bursary, but it gets paid in the I met one in the summer, but I among The Sunday Times’ Best Small Companies To Work For in 2005 and 2006 and received Best Companies Accreditation for 2007. summer term. It would be much haven’t seen her since. better if it coincided with the “I’ve heard St John’s is fabu- For more information and to apply for positions available throughout 2007-8, contact start of the Easter term when lous for student parents, and I Gillian Walker, 020 7588 1800, [email protected]. you have to pay your fees. know that Wolfson used to have “As a student parent, you can a formal hall for student parents feel very isolated. By coming with a pyjama cre che. It’s just here you’ve lost the support net- a bit of a college lottery. For works you rely on at home, your myself, I have no idea where families and so on. It would be the other student parents are. really nice if we could organise Even just circulating an email shared babysitting or something list would be a start.” * Name has been changed Friday November 9 2007 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk/news 01223 337575 NEWS 7 Cambridge’s unseen student parents 480 Student parents enrolled at Cambridge 20 Nursery places reserved for their children £7065 Arnaud with Domitille ARNAUD BIZARD Annual nursery fees “I can’t afford childcare” Arnaud Bizard moved to Cambridge to do a PhD this year with his wife and six month old daughter, Domitille “I wanted to go further in the of what I need according to the food and other necessities. mechanics field but I didn’t want University’s own assessment, Our accommodation is fine, to do a PhD in France because which itself doesn’t take into ac- but very expensive. It was the it’s not recognised in the same count the fact that I support a only flat suitable; Peterhouse way as a Cambridge PhD. The family. doesn’t have family accommo- living expenses I was quoted be- Most colleges put money into dation. fore I came here are much lower a childcare fund to help families, There is a toddlers group eve- than what they really are. but Peterhouse doesn’t so we ry Friday which is organised by The big problem is rent. I was don’t get any money to help us. the Graduate union. I don’t go told it would be £600 per term. This means it’s impossible to af- because I have to work, but my In fact, it’s £850. I wouldn’t be ford childcare. wife goes and she likes it. here at all if a professor hadn’t The nursery is so expensive I can’t even imagine doing made it possible for me to study that it’s not worthwhile for my this as a single parent. It would by finding additional funding wife to work, which is ridicu- be impossible. Subsidised nurs- for me out of the Cambridge lous. It costs more if your child ery places would be a big help. European fund. is under a year, so it would cost There are things I’d like to get Without that finding, I would about £10,000 per year. involved in; clubs, or the Cam- have gone to America. Even so, The rent and nursery togeth- bridge Union for example. But I what I receive is £1,000 short er is more than I earn, let alone just can’t afford it.” Alyssa and her son, Freddie ALYSSA HOWARD “I don’t have a student life at all now” Alyssa Howard, 21, resumed her degree last month having taken a year out to have her son, Freddie

“I found out I was pregnant at the ies and my Tutor in particular wards childcare. The costs are sive, we will have to try and put anyone could do a degree and be a beginning of my second year. It was have been really understanding, enormous; you have to have child- all our money into something else, single parent at Cambridge. If it a surprise for both of us, but there and I’ve been able to take my care when you’re at lectures, and maybe a nanny. had just been me, I couldn’t have was no question of us not having baby to DOS meetings which has to keep a nursery place you have “I don’t feel like I’m being sup- coped. Emotionally it must be abso- the baby. I would have liked to been really helpful. However, the to use it all year round, so you’re ported. I get a childcare newslet- lutely draining. have fi nished my second year but university as a whole could do paying all through the holidays ter every week, which has stuff “I could do with more fi nancial the University didn’t encourage more. too. If I had my choice, Freddie like who’s selling a pram, but I support, and other, small things it. I suppose it was fair enough as “Cambridge is a rich university, wouldn’t be going into childcare, would like to have someone to talk would make a big difference, like my due date was around the same and I thought that their policy but it will be better for all of us in to who knows my situation or is having all my essay titles at the time as my exams, but I would was that everybody should be the long run if I fi nish my degree. going through the same thing. At start of term so I can plan ahead. have rather had a year off when able to study here, and that money My fi ancée and I went to look times it’s been diffi cult. I defi nitely I’d really like to have someone my baby, Freddie, was born. Hav- shouldn’t be an issue. But I haven’t round the University Nursery in don’t think there’s enough contact who checks how you’re getting on, ing said that, I would have been so been offered fi nancial support or August and we both absolutely between people. I’m sure there’s even just twice a term; someone embarrassed being pregnant and families’ accommodation. Although hated it. It was appalling. I really someone else in my position. to talk to specifi cally about being studying. I would have got a lot my partner’s parents help us and felt sorry for the babies in there. “I don’t have a student life at all; a student parent. There’s only one of looks and it wouldn’t have been my parents help us, we are really They were just rolling around I’m doing my course, and that’s it. I university childcare offi cer and she very comfortable. scraping the barrel. on the fl oor. I couldn’t stand the see the friends I made in fi rst year looks after the whole University. “Trinity Hall has been hugely “The university should really thought of Freddie being there. sometimes but I can’t go out or any- It would just be nice to know of supportive. My Director of Stud- look at putting some money to- So, although it’s incredibly expen- thing like that. I can’t imagine how someone in the same boat.” Something to say? Friday November 9 2007 8 EDITORIAL&LETTERS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news

Letter of the week will re- ceive a bot tle of wine from Letters to the editor our friends at Cambridge [email protected] Wine Merchants

Established in 1947 Issue No 664 Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge, CB2 3RF An Open Letter from the rates this same study of literature, in Varsity last week (A Very Sub- Telephone: 01223 337575 Fax: 01223 760949 Students and People of history and modern and mediaeval jective Perspective, November 2), languages all in the same Tripos. but within that there is an undeni- Pakistan If the transferable skills of able truth that when ignored simply Bismillah Ar Rahman-e-Rahim (In these supposedly more respect- misses the point. the name of Allah, The benefi cent, able subjects are well known, how Saying ‘erm...’ to Tesco the merciful) Asalamalaikum, does it follow that a subject which It is with deep regret that Pa- incorporates all the transferable Yesterday, if you were strolling through town centre, you kistanis all around the world have skills from each of these humani- come to learn about the State of ties is presented as worth so little? may have been witness to the commercial wonder of a new Emergency imposed by General John Lewis’ opening. Mirrored in its wonder and brilliance a In addition to this, Asnac offers Pervez Musharraf in Pakistan on Palaeography (the study of ancient brand new Zara and H&M have also opened their doors just November 3rd 2007. writings) demanding a high level of across the street. These bright, new, conspicuous shopping The suspension of the Chief analytic and observational skill, and complexes have put darkened shopping holes like Lion Justice of Pakistan, the arrest of at a postgraduate level involving The worst thing is that those who key opposition leaders and law- Yard to shame, their facades boldly facing up to the eras of scientifi c disciplines in conservation are most vocal about their misin- yers, the suspension of Independ- work on manuscripts. terpretation of the article are also tradition built into the walls of Christ’s college. ent television channels and the In my opinion, far from reject- missing a chance. Those voices be- For a city like Cambridge, growth, progress and change are imposition of an illegal Provisional ing Asnac as ‘weird,’ it is a subject long to the students of the subjects all tricky subjects. Architecturally the city’s many ancient Constitutional Order amongst to be respected: in their choice of ranked by the rest of us as unaca- various other actions carried out by degree, students of Asnac show demic and vocationally irrelevant. buildings need to be protected against the brutal modernism Musharraf in the last 48 hours, are of their near neighbours, and in the minds of many who live that they haven’t simply picked Yet the truth that Varsity mere- a crime against the human rights English or History as a bog-stand- ly revealed on paper is that most here, the local and the traditional must always stand up to and civil liberties of Pakistani ard Humanities subject that has Cambridge students know bugger the multinational and the wildly progressive. Citizens. Musharraf is trying to a respectable reputation. Instead all about other people’s subjects The opening of John Lewis’ appeared, at least from the make a joke out of our Constitution they have gone out on a limb, stuck and foster a sense of charmingly and our Country. We the Students to what they enjoy and taken a lot geeky arrogance to excuse their ig- outside, to be very well-received. But on Mill Road, that of Pakistan condemn this State of multinational and student haven sometimes referred to as out of it, even in the face of the ridi- norance. So, whining voices, when Emergency that has been forced cule and discrimination that they someone next asks you “What’s the the bohemian heart of Cambridge, the possible opening of upon the nation. We call for free, may suffer from their fellow-stu- point in ASNaC?” or “History of a new Tesco’s store has raised an almighty clamour. Local democratic, transparent elections dents and indeed your newspaper. Art? That’s like painting and stuff, traders have launched a fi erce and widespread campaign and demand that General Pervez Elisabeth Kershaw, Queens’ College right?” be thankful to Varsity for Musharraf should stand down as showing that it’s the world that is to prevent the onset of “Tescopoly”. For your average the Head of State. undergraduate, restricted to Sainbury’s local, it should be A sarcastic condemnation stupid, not your subject. We stand fi rm in our commitment Calum Davey, Clare College pointed out there are, in fact, three monstrously big Tescos against Corruption and condemn It was heart-warming to see how any act of violence that puts the perceptive we Cambridge students on the outskirts of Cambridge. Tescos on Mill Road is a are when it comes to most valued ‘Calling’ for Intellectual smaller affair but it’s still put the wind up local traders who lives of innocent civilians at risk. We condemn all bombings, and in vs. least valued subjects. No won- and Vocational Freedom anticipate a sharp loss of business. particular suicide bombings. The der we lead the pack when we rank It strikes me that the many of Let’s remember here that people are not objecting to majority of Pakistan is a peaceful, Medicine, Law and Engineering at respondents to your subjects friendly, vibrant nation and we will the top and survey (‘A very subjective perspec- Tescos on ethical grounds (or at least not exclusively), and Theology and Oriental Studies at to apply a live and let live philosophy or to cite community not let the actions of a few tarnish tive’) are unclear on the defi nition the name and image of our beloved the bottom. Because we all know of “vocation”. Perhaps if they spirit is hypocritical when many of the multitudinous other Nation and our People. that doctors, lawyers and engineers had one of those useless Classics shops in the area squeeze their revenue to the limit with high In relation to this letter, we the are much more important than say, degrees (as I do) they would have prices and cheap imports. Even Co-Op, Mill Road’s largest Students and People of Pakistan people who study religion or things known that its closest Anglo-Saxon supermarket, is displaying “No to Mill Road Tesco” signs do not support any given political ‘oriental.’ synonym (whoops, I have a degree Yes indeed, as you noted, we in ASNaC too- how have I not yet inside its store. But while Co-Op may be the supermarket of party, but we are united to ensure that all legal Political Parties and seem to be a bit ‘oblivious to or in imploded from the burden of my the ethical shopper it’s unlikely that many of us will feel an activists and Pakistani Citizens are denial of the huge economic power own worthlessness?!) is “a calling”. obligation to protect it from its more successful rival. given their full democratic rights. of East Asia.’ Not to mention that Vocation is from the Latin ‘voco, So here’s the choice, “No” to Mill Road Tesco means no to We request all Pakistani Stu- other rising economic powerhouse vocare’, to call, and its English dents and Supporters of Democ- in South Asia, a little country derivation is technically meant to convenience, lower prices and established brands, but it also called India. But why worry about apply to an innate desire to follow means “Yes” to local business which - as we all tend to agree racy, Civil Liberties and Human Rights, to Unite and raise their understanding them, their history, a certain path in life, traditionally capitalism and big business are great evils facing our society - voice against this injustice and sup- their culture, etc.? After all, they all the clergy, medicine or law- I say we fully endorse and support… up to a point. The balance tips port our views. speak English, don’t they? And if “traditionally” because these were Pakistan Zindabad! they don’t, tough luck, since we’re about the only occupations that had towards Tescos because we like to shop there. If nobody shops not likely to be learning Hindi here of Mill Road Tescos it will close, but it won’t because we will. Cambridge University Pakistan been invented until the Industrial Society 2007-08 at Cambridge, thanks to a little Revolution. When people angrily complain about the new store their anger ‘restructuring’ by the University Nowadays people can feel this appears to be directed at the company, however the fate of Mill administration of the Faculty of calling for all sorts of things: veteri- A department outraged Oriental - I mean, Asian and Middle nary science, philosophy, automo- Road lies with the consumer. Varsity’s grim prediction is that As a member of that proud and diversity will become prey to convenience, Tesco’s will open Eastern Studies. tive mechanics, X-Factor contest- tight-knit department known as Oh, and there’s this other little ant. Say what you will about that and we’ll all go there to buy our Christmas turkeys. the ASNaCs I was outraged, as I matter that just doesn’t seem to last option, but to state that certain know the entire department has go away. Something to do with courses of study at Cambridge are Varsity has been Cambridge’s independent student newspaper since 1947, and distributes 10,000 been outraged, at the grossly mis- Islam, isn’t it? All sorts of people of lesser absolute value than others free copies to every Cambridge college and to ARU each week. representative descriptions of our who speak Arabic, Persian and career-wise is not merely snobbish subject published in your who knows what other languages. but ignorant as well. This igno- Editors Lizzie Mitchell and Elliot Ross [email protected] Associate Editor Lowri Jenkins associate@ newspaper recently. In case you’ve Obviously studying those languages rance is not entirely the students’ varsity.co.uk Chief News Editors Katherine Faulkner, Katy Lee and Camilla Temple news@varsity. forgotten, I quote - ‘Asnac seems or anything to do with theology fault, as it is indeed handed down co.uk Comment Editor Tom Bird [email protected] Features Editor Ed Cumming features@ not so much to be scraping the bar- varsity.co.uk Arts Editor George Grist [email protected] Interviews Editor Jossie Clayton interviews@ or religion in order to understand by CU Career Services; on saying varsity.co.uk Chief Sport Editors Simon Allen and George Towers [email protected] rel of public regard as licking the how they think and perhaps to I was interested in museum work, underside of it, trying to get back Senior News Reporter Emma Inkester [email protected] Letters Editor Jo Trigg letters@varsity. think ourselves a little bit before I was informed I should become co.uk Science Editors James Shepherd and Hannah Price [email protected] Fashion Editors Iona in.’ ‘Every subject is valuable in its we launch into major foreign policy an accountant. Eh? Last time I Carter, Emma Draper and Francesca Perry [email protected] Visual Arts Editor Sam Ensor- own special way... except Asnac.’ fi ascoes is of minimal value next to checked, Museum Curator was a Rose [email protected] Theatre Editor Orlando Reade [email protected] Literature Editor Now we are cheerful people and being, say, a doctor, lawyer or engi- Orlando Reade [email protected] Chief Music & Listings Editors Joshua Farrington and Verity job, and for me it is a vocation. can take a joke as well as anyone neer. And obviously of questionable Heaven forfend that someone Simpson [email protected], [email protected] Classical Editor Toby Chadd classical@varsity. else, but this level of mud-slinging co.uk Sports Editor Noel Cochrane [email protected] academic merit, all that studying with a keen love of learning come to goes beyond poking us for liking Chief Subeditor Dylan Spencer-Davidson [email protected] Chief Photo Editor Lizzie Robinson other languages totally unrelated to Cambridge (one of the top ranked [email protected] Chief Photographers Richard Gardner, Debbie Scanlan, Chris Thwaite Vikings onto a whole new, highly English, French, German, etc., with universities in the world, need [email protected] offensive level. their funny alphabets and strange I remind anyone) and expect to Online Editor [email protected] Online Team [email protected] Technical Director Chris Using tables drawn from a sur- sounds. Much more academic to fi nd intellectual freedom. Appar- Wright [email protected] vey on what students value, your work in one’s own language, isn’t it? ently we are all meant to bow to Business & Advertising Manager Michael Derringer [email protected] Company Secretary writer clearly implies that these Oh, and I’ve also heard that be- social pressure and study one of Patricia Dalby [email protected] Board of Directors Dr Michael Franklin (Chair), Prof Peter rankings are measures of the actual ing a theologian or an orientalist the *Varsity*-reading-student-ap- Robinson, Tom Walters, Amy Goodwin (Varsoc President), Chris Wright, Michael Derringer, Joe worth of a subject. It should be doesn’t pay very well either. Yes, Gosden, Lizzie Mitchell, Elliot Ross proved courses, and then move on obvious to anyone that the value defi nitely worth putting at the bot- to a career that either earns gobs placed on something by a certain tom of the list. We are a bright lot, of money in an offi ce or involves lab group of people and its inherent aren’t we? work, with all other options deemed NEWSPAPERS Varsity Publications, Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, actual worth are not the same SUPPORT Cambridge CB2 3RF. Tel 01223 337575. Fax 01223 760949. Varsity Mark Dickens , Clare Hall beneath contempt. RECYCLING is published by Varsity Publications Ltd. Varsity Publications also thing. Asnac is placed below Recycled paper made Susan Buhr up 80.6% of the raw publishes BlueSci, The Cambridge Globalist and The Mays. ©2007 English, History, and Modern material for UK Varsity Publications Ltd. All rights reserved. No part of this publication An irritating truth Formerly of the Faculty of Anglo- newspapers in 2006 and Mediaeval Languages in both NEWSPAPERS SUPPORT may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in The last thing I am going to do is Saxon, Norse and Celtic RECYCLING vocational and academic columns - any form or by any means electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording or otherwise without defend the lazy pseudo-journalism prior permission of the publisher. Printed at Mortons Print Ltd — Newspaper House, Morton Way, despite the fact that Asnac incorpo- Horncastle, Lincolnshire LN9 6JR. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Offi ce. Friday November 9 2007 Write for this section varsity.co.uk/comment [email protected] ROSTRUM 9 Pullman’s Daemons

The screen adaptation of Northern Lights is released next month. But beneath the surface of this children’s classic runs a powerful dualism. Margaret and Michael Rustin explore the psychological side to His Dark Materials trilogy and suggest that it reveals much about human nature.

hilip Pullman’s trilogy of feeling, has conceived a plan to free attachment to the source of life, he of the visit to the underworld in novels, His Dark Materials, the world of “original sin”, to tame dies. search of Roger, the child Lyra feels succeeds in telling a story and order sexuality through solving However, Pullman is also inter- she betrayed. which is both engaging the problem of “Dust”. ested in the idea that the parts of To cross into the underworld, she Pto children, its original intended To this end, experiments to sepa- the human personality are not just has to leave Pantalaimon behind. readership, and to adults, through rate children from their daemons many and various but are also in a This is a mutually excruciating its imaginative qualities and its are in progress, thus eliminat- necessarily dynamic and confl ict- separation with the possibility of range of reference. In these novels, ing a core element of individual ual relationship. The fact that never fi nding each other again, and Pullman took on nothing less than consciousness. The horror this person and daemon are of opposite a re-working of the biblical story notion elicits in the story makes it genders is not only a neat represen- of Genesis, taking many grown-up evident that Pullman is describing tation of human bisexuality - the readers back to Paradise Lost as something quasi-sacriligious, and mix of “masculine” and “feminine” “This is Pullman’s one of the author’s main inspira- indeed the Bolvanger experimen- elements which is in each of us, as tions. tal station has powerful echoes of Freud described - an idea revo- credo. He speaks The stories are interesting in Nazi medical atrocities. A daemon lutionary 100 years ago, but now many ways, but our particular is something like a child’s soul, and something of a commonplace - but of himself as a approach, coming from psychoa- without it, as the children sub- also a way of heightening our nalysis, is in their exploration of the jected to “incision” at Bolvanger awareness that a complete person realist, not a writer development of its two principal reveal, one is less than human. If will be one able to live with the con- of fantasy. His characters, Lyra and Will, who are the link is destroyed, spiritual tradictions of his or her own nature. each aged 11 when Northern Lights death ensues. Pullman embraces with enthusiasm aspiration is to tell begins. The power of the novels Here is an understanding of the recognition of the complex hu- owes much to Pullman’s under- human personality in which there man condition. the truth about standing of the pains and turbu- is a necessary dynamic relationship lence of emotional growth in young between many parts of the self. The yra is a great story-spin- growing up through people. It will be very interesting changing form of the child’s daemon ner, indeed a great liar, as stories.” to see if this element is captured in allows us to imagine the enormous the terrifying harpies of the fi lm version of the fi rst volume range of feelings and perspectives the underworld she visits which is out next month. which add up to the mind of one Lin The Amber Spyglass don’t let In this article, we are going to individual. Pantalaimon can be her forget. Much of the time it is it exposes Lyra to the most terrible focus on one aspect of this develop- Lyra’s protector, her baby, her spy, Pantalaimon, therefore, who keeps discoveries about herself. Without mental story, by discussing Pullman’s her conscience, her memory, and is her in touch with the truth she Pantalaimon’s wise counsel, she is representation of human duality always her friend with an absolute is so keen to embroider, evade, carried away by her story-weaving in the fi gure of a daemon which ac- or otherwise put to one side. The and provokes the cruel wrath of companies him through life. Lyra and truth-seeking potential of the mind the Harpies. What she comes to Pantalaimon, her daemon, introduce “The changing is dependent on the self’s relation- understand (without either alethi- us to a world in which each character ship to its daemon, because the two ometer or Pantalaimon to help her appears in two manifestations and form of the child’s voices ensure that all claims and at this point) is that the stories she has two voices, a mind in continuous observations are open to question. could tell to hearten the thousands dialogue with itself. Passion and daemon allows A splendid scepticism about what of dead she encounters are not liveliness characterise the ongoing is really true is kept in place by the going to be any use unless they are conversation and physical intimacy us to imagine the knowledgeable comments of the true. When the stories are true, between self and daemon. What enormous range daemon who knows all the secrets they can magically enliven and free ideas about human beings is Pull- of the heart. the burdened spirits of the dead. man exploring through this device? of feelings and Inner truthfulness is supported This is Pullman’s credo. He speaks To set the scene, we must remind by another of Pullman’s good of himself as a realist, not a writer of ourselves of the basic facts about perspectives which inventions, the alethiometer. fantasy. His aspiration is to tell the daemons. All the human characters Consulting this magical instrument truth about growing up through his in Northern Lights possess one. A add up to the mind (aletheia = truth in Greek) is a vital stories. His concept of “the republic daemon has the form of an animal or of one individual.” resource during Lyra’s adventures. of heaven” is that it is constituted bird, usually opposite in gender to We might see this as representing by the way we live our lives in the its human counterpart. Person and her need to depend on resources present, because a daemon “can only daemon must stay close, and great outside herself and thus to become live its full life in the world in which anxiety and pain is occasioned when commitment to her above all else. aware of the limits of her omnipo- it is born”. That, of course, is why the they are separated. Daemons have We suggest that the origin of a tence, just as Will has to rely on children cannot stay together at the a quicksilver quality and can change relationship of such total reliability the “subtle knife” he is given. By end of the story. Their full lives have their form at will, disguising them- lies in the human infant’s earliest contrast, Pullman is clear that one’s to be lived in the two different real selves and evading any fi xed shape, relationship with mother. A child’s daemon is limited in the precise worlds from which they come, worlds and they take great pleasure in this belief in a completely trustworthy respect that it can only give access that got mixed up because of the aspect of their being. source of inner support is achieved to one’s own qualities. It can contain disasters brought about by mistaken But this malleable character only in ordinary development through elements of oneself one is out of human ambition. A person in touch persists while their human part- the internalisation of a relationship touch with and in that way help with his daemon is at home with ner remains a child. At puberty, a to a loving and reliable parental fi g- in re-integrating temporarily lost himself, and fi nding the way home person’s daemon assumes a fi nal ure. In Pullman’s hands, this concep- aspects of the self. is the conclusion of the children’s form - the white leopard of Lyra’s tion has been turned into the living However, not all human beings adventures. father Lord Asriel or the golden form of a daemon, a part of the self are aware of the presence of their monkey of her mother Mrs Coulter that can be trusted to be present and daemon. We learn how surprised Margaret Rustin is a Principal Child for example. The daemon of an adult loyal to the child at all times. Will’s father was to meet up with Psychotherapist at the Tavistock lacks the potential for playfulness The evocation of the lost and him for the fi rst time - to become Clinic, London. Michael Rustin and fl uidity, and no longer represents desperate condition of Tony Maka- capable of recognising her after his is Professor of Sociology at the the as-yet undefi ned exploratory rios, one of the children who has journey to the North. “Can you im- University of East London and a potential of the child. The power- been separated from his daemon, agine my astonishment at learning Visiting Professor at the Tavistock ful fl ow of energy linking child and is one of the most poignant images that part of my nature was female, Clinic. They are joint authors of daemon is related to the mysterious of Northern Lights. He is wander- and bird-formed and beautiful?” he Narratives of Love and Loss: Studies matter of “Dust” which is of such ing, searching for his lost daemon, tells Lee Scoresby, the balloonist. in Modern Children’s Fiction interest to the scientists and theolo- clutching a piece of dried fi sh as Indeed Will is to meet his own dae- and Mirror to Nature: Drama, gians of Lyra’s world. An imagined a pathetic source of comfort. His mon towards the end of the third Psychoanalysis and Society, and church hierarchy, hostile to the free kindly rescuers take this from him, volume, but that does not happen of essays on the three volumes of expression of human sexuality and and without this last vestige of until after the momentous climax JAMES SHEDDEN Pullman’s trilogy. Comment editor: Tom Bird Friday November 9 2007 10 COMMENT [email protected] varsity.co.uk/comment

Becca Bright Your country needs youth Send our disreputable young to boot camp

Here’s a teaser: what’s the dif- n Friday, Anthony An- for a limp wrist, a pink light, and in 1986, it brings to mind rulers 1950s national service. Run by ference between paying next to derson received a three- a machine that makes a whiney slapping down on wrists, chalk- professional soldiers, the course nothing for a public service and year sentence for urinat- noise. Meanwhile, ASBOs led to board-wipers fl ung at heads, a puff consisted mainly of marching up paying nothing at all? For the soi- ing on his neighbour as interschool competitions – to see of white smoke, and a cackling and down, polishing shoes, and disant ‘non-political’ student union Oshe lay dying in the gutter. She which could rack up the most in the martinet of a schoolmaster. We being shouted at by a scary man. bureaucrat, and any other right- had collapsed from pancreatic despicability charts – and ludicrous need the corporal without the It also included team-building winger who fancies themselves failure. His friends filmed the prosecutions. A sixty-seven-year- punishment. exercises and, true to its reality-tv as hard-headed and pragmatic, incident on their mobile phones, old retired teacher became one of The reintroduction of national credentials, emotional evictions. unencumbered by dogmatic attach- one grinning lout shouting, “this the oldest recipients of an order service offers a solution. What But it demonstrated that a period ments to abstract principle, the is YouTube material”. Spurred when she played her classical appears draconian – it has been, of intensive training as a means of answer is straightforward: there on, Anderson returned home to music too loudly. She was hard of after all, a feature of authoritar- rehabilitating social misfi ts back is no meaningful difference at all. fetch some shaving foam, which hearing. Last week, a man but four ian regimes like Saddam Hus- into respectable society has huge As usual, however, the Right has he dispensed liberally onto her years her junior was handed an sein’s Iraq – in fact makes good potential. While arming disrup- it all wrong. In fact, the difference corpse. The incident marked a ASBO for organising a “rave” on sense. Germany, Denmark, and tive youths who already clamour between a free public service and sad nadir in a social climate of over possession of a rusty kitchen a very cheap paying service is of happy-slapping, binge-drinking, knife might not seem like the most vital, practical signifi cance pre- and tomb-stoning. sensible idea, it is exactly this en- cisely because it rests on a matter Our politicians do not stand im- trustment and careful training in- of abstract, political principle. Bear mobile. The ASBO was introduced volved that will transform unruly with me. in 1998, though recent surveys specimens into, well, perhaps not In France, President Sarkozy have shown that it has done little gentlemen, but certainly reformed is in the process of transforming to curb antisocial behaviour. This men, fi t for civilisation. the French health system from a year, the Sonic Teenager Deter- To move from the realm of low- free service into a broadly afford- rent was unveiled. The sadistic brow entertainment as a source able one where the patient pays a gadget emits an ultra-high- of evidence to reality, take New small amount. At a recent protest pitched sound, which is heard Zealand. Social workers can sign against this policy, a woman re- only by those under twenty, and up those in need of training to the marked to me “It’s cheap now, but causes its victims to clutch at armed forces. Former reprobates that’s not the point. Once people their ears in tearful despair. It are put through their strides with get used to the idea of paying, the received police-backing and has the aim of coming out as well government will fi nd it much easier been installed across the country. rounded young men at the end of to raise the price of healthcare”. Offi cials in Scunthorpe, South Lin- it. And it works. Britain would Another put it like this: “Because colnshire, are considering whether do well to follow her example. It the amount we are paying is not to install a fl uorescent pink light would result in the development enough to adequately fund the that highlights acne in trouble LAUREN HILL of camaraderie between society’s system, we must conclude that the spots. Then the Tories jumped tearaways, accompanied by a motive for the current policy is into the ring with a third sugges- National Trust land. Measures de- Sweden, nations famous for their respect not just for fellow man, ideological”. She could have said tion, David Cameron calling for a signed to tackle yobbishness have mild-mannered citizens, provide a but for themselves, a self-respect exactly the same thing about UK more affectionate approach, which taken the form of half-hearted democratic model for a conscrip- so strikingly absent in our disaf- university fees. formed the heart of his “Hug a deterrents. They haven’t worked. tion of sorts. fected young. The introduction It’s common knowledge that Hoodie” campaign. The focus has been on punishment. As for whether it would work in of national service would address £3K per year fees are not enough Yet despite such efforts, the Its locus must be shifted to pre- Britain, a small-scale experiment antisocial behaviour head-on, and to fund universities properly. VCs problem remains, and cuddles vention and rehabilitation. has already taken place. Bad Lads show yobs that there is indeed reckon you’d need £6K fees to cover aren’t the cure. This a culture Corporal punishment at schools Army subjected delinquent youths more to life then spitting out wages alone. So why didn’t the that has exchanged a fi rm hand is out of the question. Outlawed to a demanding regime based on swearwords at students. government do the obvious thing in 1997 and jump straight from having free education to having students pay the full price for an education (probably around £12K)? For the Hugo same reason that French healthcare Gye A rather curious subject for now remains cheap: the Blair- ites knew that they could not get away with such a monumental leap. But there’s no reason to rubbish ASNaC for that The mainstream political establish- ment, and majority opinion, were still too attached to the old notion of free education. Before it could nglo-Saxon, Norse and required in MML: it sounds trite to the ASNaC lecturers tells us much the subject-matter inspires a passion introduce a fully-paying system Celtic is a “fruitless labour” speak of “transferable skills”, but about the subject’s worth: all of them in its students which is shared by lock, stock and barrel, New Labour and Cambridge’s least that is what ASNaC bequeaths to are leading scholars in their respec- other minority subjects, but which had to clear the way ideologically. valued subject, according its followers. Knowledge of Medi- tive fi elds, and each would command one rarely sees emanating from un- Introducing fees at an initially low Ato last week’s survey in these pages. eval Welsh or palaeography does a senior position in any university’s dergraduate scientists or linguists. level was therefore a political act Can this be true? Am I wasting my not directly help most people to do History, English or Languages fac- The department’s small size means par excellence in that it changed the three years at Cambridge? Are the their jobs, but the skills required to ulty. To suggest that such eminent that ASNaC is a true community, political goalposts of mainstream highly respected senior members of master any of the ASNaC disciplines dons have taken some sort of ‘easy with a common room always packed opinion and paved the way for ma- the department wasting their entire are useful in any profession. way out’ is both preposterous and with undergrads, grads and Fellows terial attacks. It served to acclima- lives? It would be churlish to criti- Far more wounding than insulting. It is true that we do not alike. The ASNaC Society is one of tise people, not so much to the full cise the survey – there is no reason ASNaC’s poor showing in the have the comprehensive programme the busiest societies of any type in practical reality of fees, but to the to believe that it does not accurately vocational table, because more Cambridge, with weekly lunches, principle of fee-paying education. represent the views of those polled – unexpected, was its standing in the fi lm nights and epic pub visits, an Once that ideological threshold but, now that the tantrums and man- table of perceived academic value: annual banquet, as well as trips to has been crossed, it is an easy mat- gled copies of Varsity are no longer 23rd out of 25, ahead only of those “Only someone with destinations as far-fl ung as Dub- ter for the government to incre- being thrown around the ASNaC perennial whipping-boys, Education lin. Being an Asnac links you to a mentally increase fees. Had that ini- common room, it is time to explain Studies and Land Economy. Only no curiousity about tradition as important as that of any tial political leap from public service just why other students’ perceptions someone with no curiosity about College, something which cannot be to fees not been made, attacks like of ASNaC are so wrong. our origins, our shared history and our origins could said of most subjects. top-up fees and the lifting of the cap ASNaC came bottom of the “vo- our language could deny ASNaC’s deny ASNaC’s worth.” Being a small and distinctly would have remained politically un- cational table” in last week’s survey: academic worth. Its disciplinary unusual subject, while being one feasible. Until that leap is reversed, apparently it is the least useful de- breadth – combining the languages, of ASNaC’s great strengths, has further attacks are inevitable. This gree to have in the workplace. Quite literature and history of mediaeval certainly not helped its perception is why the principle of the matter apart from the intense pity one feels Britain in a way that no other course of organised teaching endured by among students at large, which is more vital than the pennies and for those poor creatures who are at at any university does – offers a medics or NatScis, but like all arts partly accounts for its poor show- pounds of each new hike in fees. Cambridge only in order to increase unique chance for the undergradu- subjects ASNaC rewards independ- ing in the survey. Nonetheless, it If we are to defend students from their earning power, this is an unfair ate to get acquainted with the begin- ent reading – a lot of independent is worrying that we are so poorly crippling debt and universities from judgment. Of course a degree in nings of Britain. It could be said that reading – and to shine in ASNaC regarded, and distressing that marketisation, we have to close Medicine is useful for those intend- ASNaC deals with the British Isles is no easier than to excel at any of people cannot see the very obvi- Pandora’s box and discredit the ing to be a doctor, but for the ninety- in the same way that Classics deals those subjects generally thought to ous academic merits of a degree ideological basis that makes these fi ve per cent of us who can imagine with Greece and Rome: Classics is be more ‘hard work’. which investigates the origins of our attacks possible. Otherwise we will no worse fate, the six years spent universally highly regarded, yet There is another factor in society. “Know thyself”, commanded win one battle only to be confronted in earning it would turn out to have to place it above ASNaC requires ASNaC’s favour which Varsity’s sur- the Delphic oracle: that is what we by another offensive a few years been something of a waste. ASNaC, a belief that the civilisations of vey did not address: those reading Asnacs are trying to do, and we’re later. We must win the battle of on the other hand, combines the Greece and Rome are inherently the subject seem to enjoy it more having an extremely good time ideas; we must insist on the princi- rigorous textual analysis of English more worthy of study than that of than many other students enjoy while we do it. ple of free education. and History with the linguistic skills mediaeval Britain. The pedigree of their degrees. The idiosyncrasy of Friday November 9 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/comment [email protected] COMMENT 11

I’m fed up with institutional food. It’s muck. Several days ago, as a diminutive, grinning Spaniard handed me what was supposed to be the steak and kidney pie that would replenish my waning toler- ance after a morning of displeas- ingly chirpy and fi lthily erudite supervision partners, I repressed my instinct to launch it straight back at his chuffed features. I felt like yelling, “What are you grinning about you silly man? Your ‘pie’ more closely resembles the fruit of an expedition into an aqueous cabinet with a U-shaped fi shing rod.” In fact, I thought, screw the politeness. “Your food looks like shit. It is shit. Excre- ment. Mierda.” It dawned on me that the faecal foodstuff I so detested was probably not the fault of this miniature Manuel, but rather the manure of mass catering – symptomatic of institu- tional grub. The release was instantane- ous. I felt like Gordon Ramsay, except weedier and with a better haircut. I would cook myself. My fi rst project would be to receive my girlfriend for an extravagant homemade dose of culinary coitus. To say that required a thesaurus; to do it, rather more problem- atically, required a cookery book. Having conservatively opted for Delia’s ‘Penne aux champignons’, I had succeeded in assembling all the Tom ingredients. All, that is, except the Games of pain and power ‘shallots’ – not even the nice Polish Evans gentleman in Sainsbury’s knew Today’s torture is as systematic as that used on Guy Fawkes what they were, although then again neither did he appreciate my witticism that they sounded more like a component of the kit-list of the Outer-Hebridean Neo-Arthu- rian Institution of Outrageous he strappado is a torture technique, the torture chambers of our allies such as Egypt, rather than tormentor. The manual concluded Neo-jousting (ONION) than the which was popularised during the Ro- Jordan, Morocco and Pakistan (whose torturers that violence was most effective when threatened, gourmet pasta he suggested. man Inquisition in the C16. It involves have often been educated courtesy of our taxes); self-infl icted or ‘second-degree’ i.e. being made All I had to do was follow the in- suspending someone from the ceiling of a the concentration camps in the occupied coun- to see or hear torture being infl icted on other structions – it would, I supposed, Troom by their wrists, dislocating the shoulders of tries; and CIA operated ‘black sites’ in places like people; Binyam heard other captives being raped be just like the ‘Ikea’ bedside the victim in a particularly painful way and often Poland, Romania, Afghanistan, Iraq and Diego and electrocuted. Threatened violence ought to table I had erected years ago with causing death through asphyxiation or circulation Garcia. Diego Garcia is a British owned island play on people’s particular fears: rats, dogs, rape, my father, except without the col- failure. In 1605 it was used on Guy Fawkes in the whose inhabitants we forcefully deported to lease drowning, freezing, genital mutilation and harm to lapsing and traumatic decapitation Tower of London under special orders from James the place to the US military. ones’ family or friends are all common. And in the of Plop, my pet goldfi sh. I. In 2002 the same technique was used on British Nor is our involvement in torture merely words of a CIA torture manual from 1983 ‘a threat The instructions were, it turned resident Binyam Mohamed while being tortured indirect. Britain has an illustrious recent his- should never be made unless it is part of the plan out, about as penetrable as a by the American secret services in the bowels of tory of torture, its favoured techniques coming and the ‘questioner’ has the approval to carry out nun. Yet the muddy gunk mas- our increasingly embarrassing ally, Pakistan. They straight from American torture manuals. In the threat.’ So psychological torture will always querading as mushroom sauce told him that “the law has been changed, there are 1976 the European Human Rights Commis- potentially entail physical torture. paled in calamitous comparison no lawyers” before suspending him from a leather sion published a lengthy report on the use Incidentally neither is an effective method. to my decorative candle-lighting strap for a week. He was passed through the of “enhanced interrogation” by the British The former tends to induce violent and pro- attempts. A charred wad of hands of MI6, who gave him a very sugary tea and longed hallucinations and sensory spasms, newspaper later, the curtains tried their hand at comedy: “Where you’re going, delusion, insanity, paranoia, and loss of self from were burning merrily, and the you need a lot of sugar,” they told him. which the victim may never recover. The latter fi re alarm was screeching for the He was fl own to Morocco where he was tor- “Britain has an illustrious (and this has been known for a long time) tends staircase’s evacuation. Exasperat- tured for 18 months. He was interrogated with to provoke resolution and resistance in the edly, I grabbed the pan from the British intelligence, beaten by men in black masks recent history of torture.” victim. If either method does extract sensible hob – the contents of which now and given the Koran doused in petrol. Then the information, it is almost always incorrect. The bore a striking resemblance to a ‘fi rst class treatment’ stopped and he was hung idea that Al Qaeda was linked to Saddam Hus- photo I had seen of the fi rst testing in the strappado again, naked. The torturers in Northern Ireland in 1971. It concluded sein (unbelievable to those with even a very of the A-bomb (charred devasta- took a scalpel to his chest and penis, cutting him that “the combined use of the fi ve techniques basic knowledge of the two parties) came from tion with the lingering memory of for hours on end. This was repeated at irregular [stress positions, hooding, subjection to noise, the tortured confession of Sheikh al-Libi. mushrooms) – and dashed outside, intervals. The next stage was brainwashing. He sleep deprivation and deprivation of food and Behind all the tiny, mind-destroying manipula- stirring desperately. Only when I was put in a cell and headphones were attached drink]…shows a clear resemblance to those tions of psychological torture is this: the ultimate was met with the tearful glare of to his ears. They played loud music all day and methods of systematic torture which have been power relationship. The victim must be completely an evacuated essay deadline truant all night for months. Eventually he was fl own known over the ages”. The prisoners were also at the disposal of the torturer in every way, his did I realise that I could hardly be to Guantanamo Bay for years more torture and beaten harshly. A psychiatrist described them very being subjugated to the whims of the tor- a more obvious villain if I grew a interrogation. His American captors have forced as “psychotic” after just a day of interrogation. mentor. In constructing a torture system the state square moustache and proposed a confessions and invented narratives entirely dis- The “fi ve techniques” were developed in the defeats its own purposes, because the perversions wonky high-fi ve. proved by employment records, visa documents, post-WWII MKUltra project funded by the CIA. imbued in torturers escalate and spread. This At this point, I was reminded and numerous separate testimonies. This was an immense, secretive effort to hone is why it is signifi cant that the photos from Abu of my contingency plan. “Hed The opinion that torture is the product of indi- mind control techniques, and encompassed studies Ghraib did not show the actual torture taking I fforgotten to eenform you zat vidual corruption rather than systematic design in American Universities, a Canadian University, place. These were photos of people being ‘softened zees night Germanic themed is?” is widespread. It is wholly untrue. Nor is our in- British facilities in Sussex, at least one British up’ for torture; these were casual snaps. Torture I interrogated my girlfriend, volvement in torture a Heart of Darkness scenario mental hospital and an Anglo-American centre spreads from torture blocks to prison blocks to nervously twiddling the straps with noble white-man sucked into savagery from near Frankfurt where lethal experiments were custody to people’s houses and public buildings. of my novelty PVC lederhosen, below. The torture we export has been intricately done on captured Soviet expendables. In 1963 The violence, confrontation, improvisation and upon her arrival a frantic half- designed by the efforts of Americans, Britons and the project spawned the Kubark interrogation power-hunger that it nourishes and is nourished hour later, as the discreet bleep Canadians, and by hundreds of years of medieval manual, which concluded that the aim of interroga- by make structures of command fragile. So torture of my trusty microwave assured brutality. Binyam’s case is just one in an ambi- tion should be forcing regression- ‘basically a loss is not just the scourge of humanity but also the me that the frankfurters were tious international system of abduction, torture of autonomy’- in the mind. Thus the victim would scourge of the power systems that employ it. hot and ready to be served. and indefi nite incarceration. It operates between be made to embrace their torturer as a saviour From either point of view, it has to stop. www.adl.com Smart Innovation ...

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Date: Monday 12th November 2007 at 6.30pm Location: Ramsden Room, St Catharine’s College Cambridge, CB2 1RL Places are limited! Please sign up by emailing us at [email protected] Friday November 9 2007 varsity.co.uk

A POLITICAL GAMBLE Gambling: the most accurate way to predict election results? p22 FEATURESVIEW ARTS THEATRE FOOD MUSIC VISUAL ARTS FASHION LIFESTYLE LISTINGS

One Question Where is Cambridge?

This important question was fi rst satisfactorily propounded by the eminent philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein who, in a taxi from London Airport in 1941 established that Cam- bridge could be plotted on the x axis, and civilisation on the y. The implications of this remain unclear; however, the cabbie agreed that it certainly was the case, responding with a number of aphorisms on the abilities of women drivers. But we shall go where the math- ematician could not: back in history and forward in logical science to discover the answer to this internationally con- founding issue. The Domesday Book records that the University was founded with all but thirteen cattle and three wheelbarrows (for transporting dung) in the region of East Anglia, the fi rst statute proclaiming that the village of Cambridge was to be situated no less than “one hun- dred miles or three days jog from a modish Swedish tailor”. To the chagrin of the current university authorities, it was recently announced that the corporate phenomenon created by Messrs Hennes and the ill- fortuned Mauritz was to open within a brazenly close distance of Christ’s College. It seems that Cambridge had unwitting- ly contravened the conditions of its own foundation. One local proved the general state of contentment among the public that we will now be able to dress like the rest of the nation with the immortal effusion “Oh my God H&M is open”. While the young and credulous scramble over discount scarves and Nu-Rave ANNA TRENCH Y-fronts emblazoned with the alluring inscription “make love not war”, the University authorities are faced with a devastating quandary: rename or relocate. Suggestions leaked to the Dearly Departed press indicate that the former idea is favoured. Things like Lurking beneath the town we see each day lies a hidden world of Cambridge “the University of Cherry Hin- ton” or “the University of East colleges which have gone missing over the ages, lost to poverty, mismanagement East Anglia” may sound seduc- tive compared to the other and Henry VIII. Hugo Gye took a look at the institutions which have slipped away. option. The potential locations (stemmed by the startling he antiquity of Colleges Colleges which once existed The richest, and biggest Col- King’s Hall was founded proliferation of the high-street such as Peterhouse, Clare but are now no more. There is leges that have slipped into in 1317 by Edward II, while store) are limited to the rugged Tand Pembroke is well-known, something rather poignant in the ether are King’s Hall and Michaelhouse was founded outcrop on the teetotal and and they are justly proud of their demise, particularly in a Michaelhouse. The names are seven years later by his Chan- little-known Hebridean isle of having survived from their University which seems to value evocative, richly suggestive of cellor of the Exchequer, Hervey Little Whisky and an industri- mediaeval origins right up until its constancy so much. Yet for Cambridge but simultaneously de Stanton. King’s Hall stood al estate north of Southport. today. Yet what of those institu- the most part these lost colleges awkward-sounding. They were on the north side of what is now So where indeed is Cam- tions which failed to make it all rest, forgotten by the students amalgamated in 1546 to form Trinity Great Court, which was bridge? This time we’ve got no the way? who are now enjoying the sub- Trinity, but were previously the answer. There is a small number of merged fruits of their existence. oldest Colleges bar Peterhouse. Continues on next page Features Editor: Ed Cumming Friday November 9 2007 14 VIEWPoints [email protected] varsity.co.uk/features

Dearly Departed... Continued from p13 then divided by a main road. egomaniacal patrons. The confused with Lucy Cavendish). Statistic of the week It was a large and very ambi- obvious example is Gonville An early experiment in equal- tious place: its students often Hall, founded by Edmund opportunities education, It was Zombie Parliament rose high in royal service, and Gonville in 1348; given that its the personal brainchild of one it is thought that the “great founder was a parish rector, he Joseph Brereton, who had been college/Men clept the Soler had been unable to provide it inspired by the great headmas- hall at Cantebrege” mentioned with much of an endowment, ter of Rugby, Thomas Arnold, to in Chaucer’s Reeve’s Tale is a and it struggled on in poverty reference to King’s Hall, whose and mediocrity for two hun- royal foundation would have dred years until the eccentric “Only a third greatly boosted its standing. physician John Caius took In most imaginations Chau- pity on his alma mater and of Cavendish’ cer stretches back further than refounded the College in 1557, Cambridge, but we are part of although not before adding his students came a continuous tradition last- own name, creating the most- ing close to a millennium. The diffi cult-to-pronounce college of from public college ran into a somewhat them all in the process. sticky situation in 1447 when In 1428, a Benedictine school schools, a ratio its new patron, the over-en- known as the Monks’ Hostel thusiastic Henry VI, decided was set up just north of the many colleges to subjugate its governance Cam, in order to avoid the to the Provosts of his twin corrupting infl uence of the today would die Walking Dead Lembit Opik, MP foundations, King’s College main student body. Things and (shame upon shame) Eton started heating up in the 1470s, for” According to the people of rather generous policy of let- College; but King’s Hall soon when the Hostel was renamed Britain, or at least those who ting paying members stay in slipped out of those houses’ Buckingham College, after dedicate his life to the educa- managed to wade through the their seats for the duration of clammy grasp and had re- Henry Stafford, 2nd Earl of tion of the less-affl uent middle quagmire of illiteracy which the match even if they’re dead, turned to its former glory by Buckingham (unfortunately classes, who would often be is the BBC website and vote, part (but only part) explains the sixteenth century. executed for treason in 1483), fi nancially and socially barred the most ludicrous rule in the the consistency of attendance and most of what would become from the grander Colleges and country is that it’s illegal to die in the pavilion. Magdalene was built. After the public schools. in the Houses Of Parliament. But let us imagine, for the “Student groups dissolution of the monasteries, The College attracted a cer- And quite frankly, who are sake of this column, that they and the execution of another tain amount of investment. The we to quibble with that? Al- rescinded this ludicrous law, might get cross Earl of Buckingham, the Col- largest donor, William Caven- though I would say that it’s not making it perfectly legal for lege passed into the hands of dish (then Chancellor of the an unreasonable rule, not only people to die in the Houses of about Trinity’s the Lord Chancellor, Thomas University) gave £1000, thereby because of the obvious deter- Parliament (if nothing else it Audley, who decided to es- ensuring that the College would rent it provides to would-be would certainly free up an al- investments cape the Buckingham stigma be named for him, rather than suicide bombers and assassins, ready crowded prison system). by refounding the College as for Thomas Arnold, as Brereton but also bearing in mind the Roughly 120,000 people die in the arms Magdalene in 1542. had intended. The College was number of people who used to each year in the UK. In keeping with what now opened in 1877, and tried to at- go to die recreationally in the If we made all these would-be industry, but seems a rather aggressive tract poorer students by charg- Houses Of Parliament before corpses into Members of Parlia- craze for religious college nam- ing only £84 a year, rather than the law was passed. Appar- ment, we would have one of the the college has a ing (see Jesus, Corpus, Trinity, £120 as at most Colleges. Only ently it was in excess of 130 world’s most effi cient legislative St. John’s), God’s House was a third of Cavendish’ students a year, with the bulk of those systems. As they were all on the long tradition of founded in 1439 on the cur- came from public schools, a ratio Members of the House of Lords way out, they wouldn’t have to rent site of King’s Chapel. The many colleges today would die who simply slipped off the twig worry about re-election, or their receiving money pushy Henry VI soon threw his for. Most belonged to medical or during a particularly lively legacy, and so would be free to weight around, however, and clerical families, although few session debating the merits of make as many sensible and from ethically forced the fl edgling College sons of businessmen or farmers poverty. rational decisions as they liked. to the other side of Market attended, much to Brereton’s It might sound excessive, but We’d also save lots on cleaning- dodgy sources” Square, where its Proctor and disappointment. There were in considerably more members of up death, as Westminster would four rather lonely scholars any case very few landowners the Marylebone Cricket Club simply be a pile of corpses. Michaelhouse was a dif- sat in solitude until 1505, sending their sons to Cavendish, die each year over the fi ve You heard it here fi rst. ferent place altogether: it when Margaret Beaufort (also and the social mix there must days of the Lord’s Test. Their Adrian Dangerhands was founded with only seven founder of St John’s) gave it have been very different to the members, all of whom were in a large endowment. However, rest of Cambridge. Holy Orders, and throughout she also renamed God’s College Ultimately, Cavendish Col- Profi le of the Week its existence was open only to Christ’s College – something lege was simply not attractive clerics. Its buildings were situ- of a titular demotion perhaps, enough to entice the students You’ve put it online, we’ve taken it off ated in what is now south-west depending on your personal it was looking for, and so few of Trinity Great Court, extend- religious preferences. students lived in residence that ing out over the present site of But without doubt, the most it soon became economically but thats it. hardly dinner is Trinity’s Backs. interesting of these “lost” col- unviable. Brereton had had it. unless you’re that bird off of It was Henry VIII, that peren- leges is Cavendish, (not to be questionable little fi nancial Moreed hollyoaks who’s well anorexic nial iconoclast, who brought sense, and in 1887 he aban- and collapsed last night, which these Colleges’ histories to an doned Cavendish to a group of Arbabzadah reminds me, i gotta watch hol- end: in 1544 a law had been well-wishing dons and a sur- lyoaks tonight to see if the slag passed, in the wake of the prisingly benevolent bank; they died.” - Wilse dissolution of the monaster- were, however, unable to save 2nd Year Classics Phd Student, ies, which allowed the king to it, and the College was closed Jesus College abolish any religious institu- in 1892, selling its buildings to tion and take its possessions. the London educational college Inappropriate wall Henry had King’s Hall fi rmly of Homerton, which moved to in his sights. Cambridge thereafter. Friend count post: Luckily, thanks to the Unlike the other Colleges men- 746 did you pimp out one of your mediation of wife number tioned in this article, Cavendish girls to one of my barmen last six, Katharine Parr, he was was not simply refounded after a night? - Steve Barman convinced to add to these period of decline. Rather, it rep- two Colleges rather than resents something of a personal Selection from dissolve them, and addition- tragedy on the part of Joseph ally bequeathed a great deal Brereton, whose visionary ambi- favourite books: Gym-based of former monastic land to tion to assist poorer students Failed Attempts at Comedy and create Cambridge’s rich- exceeded his ability to do so. How to Live Them Down by homoerotic profi le est College. Student groups Cavendish College, with its Moreed Arbabzadah, The Lonely might get cross about Trin- peripheral location and lack of Planet Guide to the world’s strip ity’s investments in the arms aristocratic grandeur, was in clubs, by P. Tooke. industry, but the college has many ways ahead of its time, a long tradition of receiving and its failure was as much a money from ethically dodgy sign of Cambridge’s tradition- sources. Parts of King’s Hall alist monomania as anything Favourite quotes: still stand, most notably in else. Whilst the other losses “just to confi rm party is going Trinity’s Great Gate, but make for interesting history, ahead, turn up anytime after Michaelhouse is remembered Cavendish is the one College 6, in terms of food you’re gonna only in the Michaelhouse whose closure is to be mourned, have to feed yourselves before- Church on Trinity Street. standing as it did for so much of hand coz we aint cooking. we Some Colleges were simply what we value in our collegiate might do some sausage rolls and refounded by wealthy or Henry VIII created Trinity bodies today. buy some pringles or something Friday November 9 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/features [email protected] VIEWPoints 15

UndergraduaTelly is is You Kneejerk Activist We watch TV, so you don’t have to.

I never really wanted to be a want to be in, even if you are a pirate. I’m not sure anybody trained boxer. does. It often seems to be a ca- Why we want to encourage Homemade banner, Graphic poster reer which is handed down to these people to feature on our one unexpectedly like Judaism screens is beyond me, particu- forged from old sheet demanding or diabetes. But despite this larly when it means giving up obstacle, many pirates have valuable screen-time which and self-righteousness more research gone on to have rather suc- could be donated to re-runs cessful television careers, even of “The Ten Commandments” into cancer those, like Blackbeard, who with Charlton Heston, or the took it up from a young age. scene from “Any Given Sunday” cures I’m referring, of course, to in the changing room, notable the likes of Jack Sparrow, for being the only occasion in Smee, Hook, Pugwash, Char- which a room full of athletes lie Dimmock and Sir Trevor has been motivated to glory by MacDonald, all of whom have talk of the “one inch in front of swashbuckled their way across your face”, a tactic which was our screens for years and markedly less successful when Graphic poster years, suffering surprisingly I attempted it one-on-one with few major injuries in the proc- of monkey in ess. There is a romantic aspect to piracy which you just don’t pain often see, even amidst the cut and treacherous thrust of “Cash in the Attic” or “The Fly- ing Doctors”. In fact, I would go so far as to suggest that some of the levels of violence in televised piracy occasionally approach those seen in Mid- Pacamac. Spotless somer Murders (although not the lairy child murderers one, which was just weird). Depp: Far From Ugly Speaking of which, though Sign, Bumbag, fi lled it’s diffi cult to believe, vio- lence on television is not a my Danish girlfriend Leigo unwittingly with Marx, new thing. In some ways, this after we borrowed the movie refl ects its status as existing in from Blockbuster (which led to doctored, but Mum’s credit the real world. In fact, the fi rst something of a misunderstand- occurrence of serious human ing with the chap at the door now refreshingly card, and other violence on television was in about the nature of our mem- the Quentin Tarantino fi lm bership agreement). Although accurate inconsistencies “Pulp Fiction”, in which there in hindsight, she’s not a profes- are several instances of men sional athlete, so perhaps I and women being really quite ought to have expected it. Crotch (scented Collection box rude to one another, particu- But back to my defence of larly in the scene of graphic pirates, surely we can all con- with perfumes, for charity torture in a dungeon. cede by now that Jack Spar- But previous to that, screen row has cornered the market tested on animals ) (unknown) violence remained the preserve in fi ctional pirates based on of the animated feature-length members of bands from the productions of Walt Disney, sixties, despite the best efforts in which deer routinely died, of Hook to look like Sgt. Pep- often sadly, and occasionally a per-era George Harrison, not dwarf would bump his head. So to mention Dr. Hook himself. it was a bold gesture, during The subject of band members Absence of wisdom the prohibitive 1990s, for an who have based themselves on American to introduce blood- sixties pirates is for another lustery and multiple duffi ngs essay entirely, although I to the visual mainstream. would suggest that hip-hop is That said, I myself am get- probably the future, with its TOM WRIGHT ting jolly ticked off with the proliferation of popular stars amount of media coverage keen on treasure, women and being given to Joe Calzaghe, improbable piercings. Cantabulous/ Oxfordire an illiterate Welshman distin- But I go too far. We do, still, guished by his ability to take all need a pirate in our lives, multiple blows to the head, and I will be the fi rst to stand a position previously held by in the way of this conclusion. e Law John Lewis Kanye West John Prescott, which is frankly John Reicher Look at the BBC website. Coming to Cambridge. Tha-tha-that not the sort of company you It’s amazing. Laws made by Pretend not to be excited. that don’t morons, for the benefi t of mo- I dare you. Because when kill me, can rons and the amusement of push comes, quite literally, to only make everyone else. Anyone want shove, I’ll be in front of you in me stronger.. to go and kill a Scotsman the queue for some sensible Sound advice. with a bow and arrow? Only shoes and a dressing gown. in York. And only at night. Sucker. Kanye: Stronger

Bacon e Police 2001 So being fat Stopping, interrogating and There are good years, and makes you fi ning innocent students out- then there are bad years. dead. Eat- side Sainsbury’s for cycling 2001 was a bad year. I don’t ing bacon without lights, whilst there really know why, either, makes you are assaults and attempted other than that I was 14 and fat. Neither of rapes in King’s and Market rather an awkward child. which, it would Square. Not cool, chaps. Best forgotten. seem, are that chilled. Calzaghe: Not a pirate Bacon: Bad Comment Editor: Tom Bird Friday November 9 2007 16 COMMENTFeature [email protected] varsity.co.uk/features Should we abolish private education? When Ed Cumming defended the disproportionate success of the privately educated at Oxbridge admissions in these pages, there was a backlash. Ed Maltby responded by lambasting an unfair system that undermined a good education as a right and made it into a very expensive privilege. He demanded the abolition of private education. We brought them head-to-head.

et us begin of course, that we must foster the – from tools of a system which with Mr brightest and the best regard- perpetuates the domination of LMaltby’s less of their background, but one class by another, into tools letter in destroying our existing centres of a system geared towards the response to my of excellence is not the way to satisfaction of authentic human piece (An Unsur- achieve this. Abolishing private needs and desires. prising Elite, 28th education in the UK, or what- Thus, to suggest as Cummings September). As you were ever system Mr Maltby proposes does that the abolition of this no doubt aware, the article was instead (something which is institution by which the rich can fl avoured to provoke a response. unclear in his letter), would be as pay for preferential treatment Whilst I felt that some of his ridiculous as abolishing money, would be to “accept an overall turd-slinging was perhaps a lit- or the right of parents to choose fall in the academic standards of Friday September 28 2007 Write for this section: tle petty, not to mention the re- the best for their offspring. thevarsity.co.uk/comment nation” is powerfully [email protected] COMMENT 9 peated misspelling of my name Eliminating the unfair advan- (plain bad manners), there were t appears tage of a rich minority is not

several moments at which I feel that I am about undermining the standard As the implausibly fresh-faced, nerv- ously laughing cliques of leavers-’07- hoodie-sporting fi rst years converge upon Cambridge this week, I have for them an alarmingly paternal compelled to lay aside these unmasked! of education – but fundamentally word of advice. Every year they are unleashed upon their various fresh- ers’ fairs like over-eager contest- I ants of Dale Winton’s Supermarket more superfi cial concerns for I should begin changing the way access to top- Sweep, dashing determinedly clockwise, stuffi ng greedy pockets indiscriminately with fl yers and freebies, all the while absent-mind- edly nursing cramping wrists from basic ones. by congratulat- rate education is administered. earnest e-mail address scribbling, in a vague yet frantic bid not to be ‘left out’. It is, however, very often the case – even more so if you are For all that my piece was “in- ing Cummings On the Sutton Trust: Sir Peter able to conjure up a sharp mental image of David Attenborough – that the hunter becomes the hunted. For my part, my fresher naivety in striding past a group of wide-eyed tellectually lazy”, his knee-jerk on successfully Lampl prefaces the August 2004 and marauding females to scrawl my particulars ostentatiously in a vacant corner of the boat club mailing list under the manfully approving stare reaction along class lines appears identifying me as report by pointing out that uni- of its gigantic American graduate attendant – I’ll be the fi rst to admit – was considerable. Not as consid- erable, however, as my suffering, when I found myself only the next to have clouded some of his own a socialist. Alas, it week obliged to raise myself from the depths of my bed, at hours and temperatures the existence of which I had not previously been aware, in order inexpertly and repeatedly to logic. He writes: “The mere fact of seems that much of my Ed yank an increasingly weighty oar in An unsurprising elite the general direction of my increas- Cumming ingly conspicuous nipples. Similarly, going to a very expensive school argument remains lost on him. In a meritocracy the best schools get the most places “the manfully approving stare of a does not in itself confer merit. As I made explicit in my gigantic American don’t know why anybody is surprised that state-school teachers perceive Oxbridge as people back from their true potential, which the best-qualifi ed students are offered an undesirable destination, presumably the is all well and good were there any way of graduate attendant” places at the best universities. result of unfamiliarity with what is, in reality, measuring which factors hold people back the With suffi cient help and coach- original letter, private education With the hand-wringing surrounding an inclusive atmosphere. Or perhaps they most. The drive for “equal opportunities” (has Ithe Sutton Report’s statistical demonstration have just started to buy into their own myths there been a more redundant phrase?) access if somewhat less dramatically, the that students from elite schools fi lling the and truly believe that there is no hope for means that Oxbridge are under increasing ease with which the smiling pro- elite universities, you might think that people their candidates. pressure to reject those who, say, come from prietor of the “Mexican Soc.” stand had forgotten that our higher education is, at Meanwhile, those from the elite schools good schools but broken homes, over those managed to secure my signature on ing, even a mediocre student can is not objectionable because it is its pressure points, supposed to be merito- admirably strive to rise above the politics of from comprehensive schools but happy, intel- the basis that I was unable to locate cratic. Oxford and Cambridge take the best envy and prove their worth. At Westminster ligent, educationally-minded families. the Scottish one and this was ‘thee people they can get according to their own Neither can be absolutely right, but in the theeng most ehclose’ irritates me as criteria for selection, which, using A-levels as continual quest to fi nd the brightest people, much as the constant and aggres- the baseline, take into account grades, tests Oxford and Cambridge must fi ght the urge sive presence of his semi-incompre- achieve fi ve As at A-level and good but because it is a means of and the interview. The success of the system “Where the top schools foster to take people because their background cor- hensible messages in my inbox. It’s is borne out by the continued desirability of talent and ambition, our responds convincingly with their grades, re- not that I doubt that the Society of Oxbridge graduates as employees. gardless of how many of their access criteria Historically Inaccurate Tapestry It is a set-up both more comprehensive lesser institutions are prone it might fulfi l. The mere presence of private (S.H.I.T.) has “regular socials” and summon suffi cient brio to blag buying privilege. The abolition than the standard UCAS procedure and schools is an extension of the free market is ‘what you make of it’, nor even more weighted towards students at the best to stifl e it.” economy we believe in so strongly. It’s not that it produces mildly amusing polo schools. To look only at A-levels and personal fair, but then neither is the fact that the rich shirts; it’s just that in a university statements would be to favour those at the have bigger houses, faster cars, and safari the name of which can reportedly lower end of the scale. The interview, on the holidays. Given that most parents who pay for be found in the entries of many a their way through interview.” of private education ought not other hand, rewards students raised in the School the academic norm is increasingly 5 school do so with the intention that their chil- thesaurus for ‘keen’, it is prudent classic public school tradition, of noisy debate, A-levels, almost invariably at Grade A. At dren end up at the best universities, it sends to dedicate some degree of thought callous put-downs and a casual disregard Winchester they scarcely bother with the out entirely the wrong message if there’s any as to where best to divert one’s for the supposed limits of the syllabus. They GCSE exams at all anymore, with students suggestion of punishing them for doing so at energies. Yet my counsel is not one But surely if the Sutton Trust be confused with the abolition favour the bold, the articulate and the con- taking only the bare minimum required to the crucial moment. of determined fun avoidance of the versationally adept, as well as those whose meet university regulations. It is diffi cult to reconcile this with our brash eradication of entire Amazo- knowledge of a subject goes far beyond that It is true that the best schools fi nd a way hazier concept of an educational meritocracy, nian Rainforest species through a which is required for an A-grade. Funnily around every measure that either Oxbridge but the only sensible solution is to err on the commendable dedication to pencil enough, these are all characteristics which or the government dream up to confound side of excellence, measured by the systems, fi ling. The realisation of that most report showed us anything it was of good education. It is a large help people get ahead in the wider world, par- their excellence. Good on them. They are, like A-levels and interviews, that do exist. coercing of clichés, ‘the best years ticularly the high-end professions – banking, after all, businesses, in a competitive market, If this means that Oxbridge ends up taking of your life’, is unlikely to be found law, the media – many of whose employees offering a fi rst-class education to those either the entire year from Westminster School, in the self-satisfi ed smirk of a man are supplied by Oxbridge. able to foot the fees or bright enough to se- and none from Westminster City, so much the who has caught a glimpse of his that, by all of the measures Ox- infrastructure dedicated to the And where the top schools foster talent and cure a scholarship. better. The message would at least be a clear neighbour sheepishly scuttling off ambition, our lesser institutions are prone to Yet the Government’s approach is directly one: Oxbridge respects ability, nothing more, to a late-afternoon gathering of stifl e it. With every facility in place to encour- damaging to children fortunate enough to at- nothing less, and regardless of which school the Revelation Rock Gospel Choir age those from all walks of life to apply, from tend these schools. If applications were done you went to. through the gap on the window access schemes to top-up fee exemptions, blind, with no heed paid to schooling, then it The problem is that it seems hard to im- sill between his complicatedly bridge in their wisdom can come overrepresentation of rich kids in applications are still frustratingly low. But is likely that 70% or 80% from some of these agine any near-future world where the skills colour-coded collection of antique almost all interpretations of the facts assume places would go to Oxbridge, which is far bestowed by our elite schools would fall any- pencil sharpeners and Artemis, that good state-school candidates are being higher than the 40-50% of admission success where near the average or even the higher- his imaginary friend. My word of swatted away in favour of some sort of unde- achieved currently by Westminster School. end of the average strength of our state advice, then, is disappointingly duo- fi ned conspiracy involving old school ties and The argument goes that Oxbridge takes schools. The disparity must not be rectifi ed at syllabic: balance. up with, going to a very expen- top jobs and top universities (and class-based snobbery. This might be because into account factors which might have held the expense of our production of talent. sive school can confer merit. massively subsidised by the tax- The original incendiary article “whatever He implies he would prefer to payer through “charitable status” see an education system which and scandalously low income tax versities do discriminate against system valued a vague, abstracted on the rich). state-school pupils, and further- notion of “intelligence”, rather If your parents are rich enough more that this is “certainly a Mr Maltby than the barometers of rational potential waste of talent”. His ability, factual recall, application point here is the same as mine – proposes and academic interest which are “ e abolition of that the gross overrepresentation currently in place. The idea of of private school pupils at Ox- instead “abolishing” private education private education bridge is inimical to the project entirely in the UK is simply pre- of providing an HE sector which would be as posterous, Jurassic-era social- ought not be can “fairly refl ect the ability of ism, and unfortunately slightly the whole population, not just the ridiculous as undermines other things he confused with the small minority whose parents says. It is all well and good can afford to send their children abolishing banging on about the “right” to abolition of good to independent schools”. And no, a good education, but since uni- Cummings, Oxbridge selection money” formity would be an impossibil- education” procedures cannot be accurate ity (not to mention undesirable), “barometers” of intelligence if surely he must agree that the they allow for such a massive wealthy are always going to fi nd to pay for you to go to private overrepresentation of a tiny, mon- ways to use their money to help school, you have a better than eyed minority. their children? fair chance of going to Oxbridge The demand for a radically Any alternative to private or having a top job. This is not better staffed and funded system education would see a leap in meritocratic – this is a tool of of comprehensive education extra-curricular private tuition, class domination, ensuring that must be indivisible from the fostering even more aggressive control of the country rests in the demand for the abolition of and unhelpful social divisions hands of a relatively small, mon- private education. You fund one Ed Cumming within the classroom, and an in- eyed elite, denying the clever poor the same way you get rid of the crease in the already-burgeoning a chance to advance themselves. other: cut the £100m a year tax College: Clare practice of buying a house to fall It really is as simple as that. breaks to private schools, and in the catchment area of a good I am very much in favour of raise income tax and corporation Subject: 2nd year, English, II.i school, which endss up costing good education – that is, the good tax to sensible levels. Without Education: Westminster School, founded in 1179 by Pope the tax-payer rather than the education which well-funded these massive subsidies from the Alexander III. The co-educational public school charges £16,842 per families involved. institutions can provide to chil- taxpayer, watch Eton collapse. year and achieves an Oxbridge success rate of 49.9%. To abolish private education dren. Indeed, I would go so far And when state education is would be to accept an overall fall as to consider it a “right” which properly funded and the Great Lives in: Primrose Hill in the academic standards to the everyone should receive, and not Unwashed are being educated to Organisations: Pitt Club, Varsity nation. Surely he must agree just a rich minority. the same standard as the chil- that our system, particularly This is the point of socialism: dren of the rich for free, watch Interests: Arsenal FC, Nathalie Buscombe and the novels of at the Oxbridge end of things, not the abolition of the all the ad- demand for private education William Gibson. should remain aspirational vances and apparatus of current and private tuition dwindle. rather than conciliatory? I agree, society, but their transformation The fact is that these proposals Friday November 9 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/features [email protected] COMMENTFeature 17 Should we abolish private education?

are very modest. What is truly stands at about £135bn annu- and Customs fi gures, tax evasion “preposterous” is that, given its ally. Saying we need double the alone costs the treasury at least eminent feasibility, such a sys- current funding (again, a low £75bn a year. Avoidance (legal tem does not exist already. And estimate) we need about another non-payment of tax) costs at the the persistence of good education £74bn to cover everything. Don’t very least £10bn. At the risk of as the privileged preserve of the know where that’s going to come sounding patronising, Cummings, rich is more barbarous still. from. Actually, looking at the fi g- that’s your target easily met, ures there’s a nice £90bn expend- even before we’ve touched income opened Mr iture we could simply transfer tax. Of course, chasing down Maltby’s to education. The surplus might super-rich criminals and clos- Imost even cover the shortfall from ing a few loopholes in tax law in recent letter government ineffi ciency. The only order to provide decent education enthusiasti- problem is that I would imagine and social mobility to working cally, only to Mr Maltby would have some is- class children might seem like be disappointed sues with abolishing the NHS. an extravagance to some, but once again that But it’s rather crass to speak I maintain that it is a modest he appears not to have only about money. From the proposal. correctly noted my surname. It physical fi nancial impossibil- Given that corporate and top- is an odd rhetorical technique, ity (“eminent feasibility”) of rate income tax are now at just certainly, but desperate times his scheme we must move to about their lowest levels in living call for all sorts of measures, another one of those irritat- memory, there is an incredible especially when you are setting ingly fi nite resources – labour. amount of untapped wealth an archaic, cancerous political Our dream school, based on the available to pour into education dogma against both all human above model, employs about if only we broke the political experience and mathematical fi fty excellent teachers, who are stranglehold of the wealthy elite fact. We might as well get rid attracted by the opportunity over the economic life of this of gravity. For Mr Maltby ap- to teach in an environment for country. For as long as working- pears to be of opinion that, were learning, on some of the best class organisations are weak private schools to be abolished, pay in their profession. They are and bound by anti-unions laws there would be enough re- superb conveyors of information, and parliament is dominated by sources in the UK to raise every with an infectious enthusiasm parties in thrall to the rich, this school to the level of our current for learning and a deep care for won’t happen. But economically best. Pointing out the corpulent, the general wellbeing of their it is eminently possible, and mor- “ is is a gushing fallacy of this feels a bit students. They are able to bring ally it is imperative. patronising, but here we go: out the best in all students, Furthermore, the market does tool of class We cannot but presume that keeping discipline amongst the not ensure effi ciency. The market these schools would have to have unruly whilst simultaneously ensures a pell-mell dash to make domination, the same spending per student bringing out everyone’s academ- profi t. The two are not synony- – these ruthless capitalists have ic potential. mous, especially not in education. ensuring nothing if not an eye for value. There are not 250,000 of these The BBC reports that for seven And with no competition, waste people in Britain. And even if years in a row, private school fees that control would skyrocket. there were, Mr Maltby’s system have risen by signifi cantly more Let us take Westminster. A would have to have the best of than double the rate of infl ation. of the suitable model of the sort of them evenly distributed around In effi cient industries, this really school my erstwhile opponent the country. It would be a bit tends not to happen. What’s going country would like to close down, not like spreading the Arsenal and on? Nothing unusual, they’re just least, no doubt, because I went Man Utd players evenly around private businesses following a fi - rests in the there. Fees for day boys (the the Premiership. The domestic nancial imperative to make more majority of students) are £16,842 league might be more competi- money. They’ve discovered that hands of a a year. Government spend- tive, but I’d back Barcelona in they can charge parents more for ing in the UK is, on average, the Champions League. the same service. And so radically relatively slightly more than £8,000 a year. And unfortunately, Britain improving state education in the Enough? plays in the world. It can be UK would be cheaper than he small, I’ll go on. There are currently rather a cruel, unforgiving place, has suggested. roughly 700 students – a turno- where nothing is in infi nite As for teachers, in a country of moneyed ver of £11,872,000 even before we supply. Some have more of this 60 million people, a few hundred have accounted for the spending limited supply than others. This thousand bright, charismatic elite” from endowments and properties argument is necessarily an eco- graduates should be very easy to owned by the school. There are nomic one. Mr Maltby would do fi nd, especially if we were to raise 6,086 secondary schools in the well to acknowledge this before teaching salaries considerably UK. For the purposes of this piece proposing an impossible educa- and improve teacher training we’ll imagine they all have about tional solution. provision. After all, we’ve seen 120 students a year everywhere – that there’s enough money to go it’s a good number to work with, ummings’ re- around. it seems to foster a lot of success. ply above As for that £100m “charity” This makes £72bn, purely for Cis price- sum, what we spend it on is Ed Maltby the secondary system, when cur- less. For every- beside the point. What is crucial rent government spending across thing else, there’s is that we should no longer use the entire education system, basic economics. it to subsidise an infrastructure College: St John’s including primary, secondary, So, according to which stuffs our top jobs and Subject: 3rd year, MML university and mature education his slightly dodgy universities with rich dull- Education: High Storrs, a co-educational comprehensive school. is currently £74bn. Mr Maltby’s reckoning, in order ards; an archaic, undemocratic Founded in 1880, on average it sends 0.9% of its pupils to Oxbridge £100m from the abolished tax- to give every child in institution which is a slap in the breaks might, just, cover the Britain a Westminster- stand- face to the many thousands of Lives in: Sheffi eld bar-tab after the ministers meet ard education, we would need to ordinary working-class children to discuss doubling (at the very double the education budget. But whose potential brilliance is Organisations: Education Not For Sale, Alliance for Workers’ least) education spending. where could we come by £72bn? going to waste in neglected state Liberty, Left Tea Party, Ligue Communiste Révolutionnaire Raise income tax? OK. Total Cummings thinks it impossible. schools, sink estates and inse- Interests: Marxism, modernism, eating, drinking, folk income tax revenue currently Sigh. According to HM Revenue cure, underpaid dead-end jobs. 00346.AD_Uni Newspaper2 5/10/07 Page 1

THINKING TIME…

…IN THE BATH?

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Clear Thinking Clear Difference Friday November 9 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/features [email protected] VIEWFeatures 19

The astounding tale of the Custard Coup

ey may seem fusty, but some Masters and Bursars lead more intriguing lives than others. ey might even be doing so right under your nose. In a story of cronyism, sabotage and custard-slinging, Chief News Editor Camilla Temple imagines what might happen if dodgy dealings ever did occur in a Cambridge college. Tom Sharpe could never have thought up this one. e following is entirely fi ctional. Any resemblance to actual persons or events is purely coincidental. he candlelight fl ickered over through his yellow teeth. Profes- croissants and cinnamon buns. “Perhaps the students had pressing research place to take the sebaceous faces of the sor Von Polan shook all of his But he could see nothing even better leave” put in Snevell up”. Breathless with fear, the Tdiners in the Dogsbody College double chins at once in horror. vaguely edible. delightedly. “Yes, yes, off you go, hapless Pumpledink scurried hall. The undergraduates were At this point, the persistent Opening the door, Dr Sn- closed business now, confi den- from the room. joyously hurling spoonfuls of boy succeeded in undoing his fl y evell stopped in his tracks. tiality, named personnel.” The Just twenty four hours after whipped cream at each other and was on was on the very point Pumpledink, red-cheeked and students, herded towards the his inauguration, Sir Pumpl- and port was being served by a of revelation (much to his audi- earnest at one end of the table, exit under the prodding and edink resigned his post as shambling man who took secret ence’s delight) when Rottwiser, was fl anked on either side by persevering thumb of the Dean, Master of Dogsbody College. The pleasure in pouring hot coffee the gargantuan Head Porter, representatives of the JCR looked like children taken out College Press Offi cer skillfully on people’s laps. The time had marched him out of hall, the committee. The Bursar’s up- of the theatre just before the assuaged the shock of the Uni- fi nally come for the new Master, sadistic coffee waiter herding a per lip began to curl. “What on pantomime begins. versity, assuring everyone that Sir Peter Pumpledink, to stand fl ock of hysterical girls after him. earth are they doing here?” he Pumpledink tried to speak but Pumpledink had always intend- up and make his inaugural The Dean, Cumberland, snarled. Pumpledink smiled, “I in vain, for at that very moment ed to move on, and had simply speech to the assembled college. rubbed his hands together. know it has been customary to the cakes arrived and there was brought the date of his departure Skinny and corpulent Fellows There would be a succession of discuss all college matters under a stampede of gowns as each fel- forward slightly, as it happened, alike nestled into their gowns cosy chats tomorrow with each reserved business, but there is low tried to get his favourite. to the day after his arrival. for a little nap. An occasional and every one of those busty, really no need to exclude the Thumping feebly on the fl ap- outburst of sniggering interrupt- pert, blonde… he was awoken students.” Here he gave another ping papers spread before him, hange did come fi nally to ed the silence as one especially from his sensual contemplation indulgent smile “we are begin- the master tried to regain order. Dogsbody College. The mod- persistent boy kept unzipping of the following day’s delights ning a policy of transparency”. “Gentleman! Perhaps we could Cernisation which the excellent his fl y provocatively before a by a feverish cry from Pumpl- The word echoed round the take a vote on the proposals?” Pumpledink had so earnestly group of titillated girls. edink. “You will no longer grow room and the fellows broke into “Proposals!” cried Professor pushed for arrived at last. It was, “Never should have let women mouldy in your towers, but a frenzy of hushed whispers. Roland von Polan, and hurled however, of a nature not entirely into Dogsbody”, Professor Roland will engage with the youth of Snevell dearly wished he had a custard doughnut at Pumpl- foreseen by the plotters. von Polan belched across the today, a fresh breeze is blowing had a raisin bun that he could edink. The librarian fainted. There had been one problem table. The Bursar, Dr Snevell, through this college, and it is spit out in disgust. Students! In Vanilla custard splattered across which the Fellows had not con- twisted his waxed moustache carrying you on its wings!” a governing body meeting! This the Master’s face, but not before sidered while revelling in what and smoothed down his greasy The students cheered and was very near the limit of what a lemon muffi n had hit him was later to be christened the comb-over, more pressing affairs stamped, the general notion be- he could take. hard on then nose, and a volley Custard Coup. There was no on his mind. He licked his lips, ing that it must be somebody’s Ignoring the horrifi ed faces, of cheesy rolls had forced him to one to replace Sir Pumpledink. looking forward to sinking to his birthday, and Pumpledink went Pumpledink began excitedly, retreat under the table. There Dogsbody College was left lead- teeth into the new Master. pink with pleasure. He beamed “Some among you have been was a long pause. Sir Pumpl- erless, afl oat in the changing Sir Peter Pumpledink cleared at the Chaplain. The Chaplain doing rather well out of the edink emerged, golden custard tides of the Cambridge sea. It his throat juicily, straightened grinned back, thinking it was college for some time now, do dripping down his crimson was not until a large dose of sal his back and puffed out his probably his birthday. not think I have not noticed: cheeks. volatile had fi nally brought the chest. This speech was to be a choice rooms, high salaries, librarian back to consciousness historic moment, the beginnings ut rebellion was brewing. Lat- particularly among those that anyone realised the full of a new regime of transpar- er that night, Dr Snevell and of you who were close to implications of the coup. Delv- ency and accountability, a rule BProfessor Von Polan convened for my predecessor, Profes- ing into the college statutes, of virtue, a veritable golden era. a venomous gossip session in the sor Pervez Crooney. she informed them with no Things were going to change in Dean’s magnifi cent rooms. The But Pumpledink will inconsiderable glee that, Dogsbody College. setting was reminiscent of a me- change that, he is all should no Master could be Someone toppled over in alco- dieval whore’s boudoir; the Dean for fairness, transpar- found to replace Pumpl- holic excitement. Sir Peter be- had got on particularly well with ency and equality!” edink, the position would gan. “We have all been enjoying the previous Master. The Dean’s Some of the more revert to the Chancellor of the pleasure of Dogsbody bounty support on college matters had underfed Fellows the University. on this fi ne evening”, he cast an been invaluable to Professor Per- nodded feebly, but Unfortunately Prince indulgent eye over the seeth- vez Crooney, to the extent that Professor Roland von Phillip, and his eldest son ing mass of paralytic students, no expense had been spared on Polan was having none William, were far too busy “but it has come to my atten- his personal comfort. Crooney’s of it. “What gives you opening museums, and so tion” , and here a tremor of piety regime had been one of prosper- the right to change any- were forced to pass the job pervaded his tone, “that some of ity for the trio, and von Polan’s thing, ever? We have on to His Royal Highness our senior members have been quadruple chins gave a senti- had Fitzbillies buns in Prince Harry, who had virtu- enjoying more than their fair mental wobble as he thought this meeting for over ally nothing to do and was share of this bounty. Under my back to the port-laced pleasures one hundred and fi fty thrilled to take over the run- leadership, a new age will begin of board-meetings past. years!” ning of a body of students; here in Dogsbody College; no fel- The rebellion would begin The fellows were in he had little or no conception low more equal than his fellow,” tomorrow, at the Fellows’ meet- uproar, clamouring for the of what a Fellow was, or why here Pumpledink snorted at his ing, and it would be swift and customary croissants, for that they were strictly necessary. own joke. “I know my predeces- merciless. The windows slowly was after all the main rea- The college became a new sor, Professor Pervez Crooney, steamed up as the three of them son that they attended such club, “Dogzbody”, with no fewer may have had his methods, but plotted the downfall of this new gatherings, most of them than twelve different themed under Pumpledink there will be and hateful communist regime. being partially if not completely bars (one of which, “Revolu- no more favours and indulgence When Professor Roland von deaf (and blind). Someone was tion”, was opened in the Dean’s for the chosen few!” He glared Polan waddled into the meeting immediately dispatched to fetch “Never,” said Snevell in a rooms). The Dean was secretly pointedly at Professor Roland the next day, he instantly noticed the buns. dangerously quiet voice, “try incredulous at his luck; he von Polan. that everything was not as it “Please calm yourselves,” to impose change on Dogsbody now had a constant supply of The Fellows, who had been should be. The mahogany table Pumpledink pleaded, grow- College”. Through his mask drunken girls pouring into his in that delicious state of almost would usually have been covered ing more and more fl ustered of custard, the master went rooms in their skimpiest outfi ts. sleep, woke with a start. The with an assortment of Fitzbillies by the minute as discontent at pale. The librarian collapsed It should be added that Prince chaplain, ever a little the worse fi nest: silver platters piled high the absence of the cake stand in a lefeless heap on the fl oor. Harry remained at “Dogzbody” for wear, giggled into his pud- with Danish pastries, Eccles threatened to put an end to any “I think you may fi nd,” Snevell College as the longest serving ding. Snevell sucked in air in cakes, sausage rolls, cheesy business of an inedible nature. continued, “that you have a very Master in history. Fashion Editors: Iona Carter, Emma Draper and Francesca Perry Friday November 9 2007 Friday November 9 2007 Write for this section: 20 VIEWFashion [email protected] varsity.co.uk/fashion varsity.co.uk/fashion [email protected] VIEWFashion 21

Dress: Sue Ryder (£10), Shoes: Absolute Vinatge (£60), Bracelet: Chanel (£90). Fur Stole Fox fur stole: Sue Ryder (£5), Necklace: Miss Selfridge (£20), Rings: Stylists’ own. Full length Dress: Below Retro (£16), Shoes: Marks and Spencer (£25), Cigarette Fake fur coat: Oxfam (£25). Photographed by Ellis Scott, styled and modelled by Andrea Adams

CHAISE LONGUE Features Editor: Ed Cumming Friday November 9 2007 22 VIEWFeatures [email protected] varsity.co.uk/arts The Price Of Victory e growing industry of political betting gets punters to put their money where their mouth is, and reckons Hilary Clinton is almost a certainty for the 2008 election. Matt Cliff ord looks at the science of wagering on the future.

f you think you know some- tion is over, contracts specifying there is another who thinks he kets might be used to evaluate aware of the value of appear- thing about politics, you prob- a Democratic win are worth can make money by taking the the expected outcomes of govern- ing the favourite, manipulated ably think you have a better- one dollar if the Democratic opposite position. Consequently, ment policy decisions. The idea the relatively illiquid market by Ithan-average idea of who’s going candidate has won and noth- Betfair and its competitors act has even made its way onto the placing large bets in favour of to win the next election. Just ing if the Republican candidate like free markets in informa- bestseller lists in the shape of their candidate. how sure are you though? Can triumphed. So, if a Democratic tion. If I want the best estimate James Surowiecki’s 2004 book, As Campbell was ultimately you say by how much? Would you win seems highly likely, the of Hillary’s chances of becoming The Wisdom of Crowds, and victorious, it is easy to dismiss put a price on it? An increasing contract will trade at a price very President, I can simply direct has been mooted as a means of such activity as rather self- ab- number of people think they can, close to $1. If the Republican my browser to Betfair and see measuring the success of the sorbed silliness on the part of a and are prepared to put their seems a shoo-in, you’ll be able to what the punters think (The American troop surge in Iraq. small group of political junkies. money where their mouth is. buy a Democratic contract very answer, incidentally, is around It is a little premature, how- But in a world where predic- Betting on political events is cheaply. As there is real money 52%. If you think this seems ever, to declare information mar- tion markets are given increas- one of the fastest-growing sectors at stake – up to $500 per partici- way off, well, there’s money to kets a panacea. Politicians may ing weight, and in which their of the gambling industry. On pant – the market moves quickly be made). be able to spin away the results prices are widely reported in the Betfair.com, the largest internet to adjust to relevant news. If Of course, information markets of an opinion poll or to summon mainstream press, it is perhaps a betting exchange, the outcome Hillary Clinton makes a gaffe are not an alternative to tradi- minions to rebut the pundits, worrying sign of things to come. of the next general election has or Rudy Giuliani gets George tional opinion polls, since polling but some believe that political Unlike many of their fi nancial attracted half a million pounds Bush’s endorsement, the market is still one of the most important parties have much more insidi- counterparts, most prediction of bets, more than the average prices will change rapidly to infl uences on prediction market ous ways to deal with adverse markets are very illiquid. Few Premiership football match. If incorporate this new informa- prices. However, these markets prediction market prices. As the people, for example, know or care you add bets on other exchanges tion. In theory, the price of each do help political actors under- Liberal Democrats prepare for a enough to invest much in a mar- and wagers on international po- contract represents the chance stand how seriously to take a second leadership election in two ket dedicated to predicting the litical events, it’s a multi-million of its specifi ed party’s victory. given poll. Is that new 10% lead years, there has been consider- identity of the next Russian pres- pound industry. Politicalbetting. What’s more, it seems to work an anomaly or the sign of a able discussion on the blogs ident. It therefore takes a fairly com, a web site that hosts daily in practice. In each of the last sharp change in public opinion? of political afi cionados about small amount of money to make discussion about political events fi ve US Presidential elections, Research suggest the prediction anomalies in the betting prices a no-hoper look like a certainty in Britain and abroad from a the Iowa market has predicted markets are the best way we last time around. Ming Camp- or to transform the favourite into gambling perspective, is the most the outcome more accurately have of making a judgement. bell and Chris Huhne seemed a deadbeat. Rumours abound, for visited political commentary blog than either the average of How much do polls conducted the only plausible winners, example, that Hillary’s current in the UK. the fi nal week’s opinion polls two years before an election and private polling put Camp- price is the result of concerted But there’s far more than and the judgement of political matter? Again, the prediction bell well ahead of his younger manipulation. This, however, money at stake in this new craze. pundits. markets provide a good estimate. rival among Lib Dem members. seems unlikely. The US Presiden- These hundreds of thousands of It’s only in the last few years, In fact, such markets have Nevertheless, Huhne was backed tial election market is the largest uncoordinated bets, made by tens however, that prediction mar- proved so accurate in the world with suffi ciently large sums of political prediction market in the of thousands of people who never kets have gone mainstream. The of party politics, that there have money that he was quoted as the world. It would take several hun- meet each other, are beginning Iowa market is small, restricted been several attempts to har- favourite on the major exchanges dred thousand dollars to make to change the nature of political and narrowly defi ned. With ness their power in other fi elds. until just before the result was anyone appear signifi cantly prediction. Just as the fi nancial the advent of internet betting Markets have been created to announced. It would be one thing more popular than he or she markets aggregate the beliefs of exchanges, the scope for creating estimate future Hollywood block- for the markets to have “made really is – money that the can- millions of investors to produce a wider and bigger markets has buster profi ts and the success of a mistake”, but Mike Smithson, didate would surely rather put best guess for the future pros- ballooned. Punters have always new products within high-tech the owner of Politicalbetting.com to other uses and that would be pects of companies around the been able to back political par- companies. It’s still early days, and perhaps the most infl uential eagerly snapped up by punters world, so journalists, pollsters ties at the local Ladbrokes, but but so far the results are promis- person in the British political who spotted the ruse. It is a and politicians themselves are sites such as Betfair and Intrade ing. However, prediction markets betting community, has another testament, nevertheless, to the beginning to sit up and take no- have changed the nature of the have also suffered serious set- explanation. He suggests that growing infl uence of prediction tice of what the betting markets game completely. backs. Perhaps the most ambi- supporters of Chris Huhne, markets that such speculation can tell us about what might lie At these tious experiment of all was the surfaces and is deemed worthy ahead in the world of politics. exchanges, Pentagon’s attempt in 2003 to of comment. This is not a particularly there is no create a Policy Analysis Market, As the next US Presidential new idea. For nearly twenty book- which would have allowed mem- election draws closer, it’s likely years, the University of maker: bers of the public to speculate on that political prediction markets Iowa has run a market you are the likelihood of future terrorist will be the subject of ever greater in predictions about the betting attacks, coups d’état and as- public attention – and public outcome of US Presiden- against sassination attempts. The idea scrutiny. They represent neither tial elections. The rules your that people – and even terrorists a catch-all solution to the prob- are fairly simple. Specu- fellow themselves – might be able to lems of polling nor an infallible lators buy or sell “con- partici- benefi t fi nancially from loss of guide to future events; but, tracts” that specify which pants. So life met with outrage, and the they do produce information party they expect to win for every Pentagon withdrew funding from that otherwise would simply the election. Once the person who the project before it launched. not exist. In a world where elec- believes that Nevertheless, enthusiasm for campaigns cost hundreds of the Tories greater use of prediction mar- millions and every technological will win the kets in public policy is far from advance is soon applied to the next elec- over. Several American academ- art of getting elected, it’s infor- tion, ics, notably the economists mation that journalists, Robin Hanson, of George academics and Mason University, and the candidates Justin Wolfers, of the themselves Wharton Busi- will fi nd it ness School, are diffi cult working on to ignore. how such Right now, mar- the market says Clin- ton vs. Giuliani, Clinton to win. Care to bet against it? The contenders: But according to the fi nancial indexes, Hilary Clinton is running far ahead of Rudy Guiliani

Arts Editor: George Grist Friday November 9 2007 24 VIEWArts [email protected] varsity.co.uk/arts TheDarjeeling Feeling Wes Anderson’s highly anticipated fi lm,  e Darjeeling Limited, hits the cinemas this month. Greg Buchanan spoke to co-stars Adrien Brody and Jason Schwartzman about mystery, spirituality and Kong.

f we fuck, I’m gonna feel example of subtlety over exposi- ences and their own lives.” people.” Watching The Darjeel- ship in Kong was in the parking like shit tomorrow,” a tion, demanding real thought Although the writers of the ing Limited, a viewer cannot lot of the studio where we were bruised Natalie Port- rather than mindless knee-jerk fi lm (Schwartzman, Wes Ander- help but wish they were. shooting it – the advantage was “Iman whispers. Her lover is okay laughter. The injuries to the son and Roman Coppola) admit “I think the fact that we were that no-one got sea sick, and we with this. He doesn’t care – he body of the ex-girlfriend (played all in such an exotic location were all able to work and get off doesn’t want to be her friend, he adeptly by Portman), the lack of and on such an adventure,” said the boat, but in order to create a doesn’t want to laugh, not there, shoes on Jack’s feet, the nature of Oscar-winner Brody, “gave me sense of reality we had to, for ex- not now. It is the opening scene Francis’s accident and why Peter “the company a real sense of closeness with ample, work out a routine where of The Darjeeling Limited, the always thought he would get Owen and Jason and everybody Jack Black would have to pre- latest and best fi lm to date by divorced – all these motifs are re- commandeered else and the crew. I felt very tend to rock one direction and cult director Wes Anderson. And vealed to the audience piecemeal much welcome into a very close- I’d have to start off in another. although it may be billed as a but never explained outright. the busiest rail knit group. It was very much So there was constantly this comedy, expect anything but. Wes Anderson is often criticised like being in a theatre company, other thing that we had to work The fi lm explores the after- in this respect, an occupational network in the which is a wonderful environ- with. It was pretty amazing to math of a father’s death and the hazard for any creative artist ment for an actor.” actually be on a moving train in subsequent estrangement of his but perhaps much more so for entire world” This kind of simultaneous India and actually to be in this three sons, played by Owen Wil- the ‘auteur’ of such fi lms as The handcraft and soaring natural- very spiritual place. It was a son (Francis), Jason Schwartz- Royal Tenenbaums and The Life ism is a hallmark of all Ander- wonderful and rare experience man (Jack), and Adrien Brody Aquatic with Steve Zissou. that Darjeeling represents son’s productions, with a distinct for me.” (Peter). In the course of their Critical opinion usually falls particularly personal experience predilection for enacting scenes Brody’s last line sums up the journey towards intended into the marmite division of and emotions, one cast member, as truthfully as possible. The entire movie in a handful of enlightenment, the Whitman love or hate, yet within his lat- indisputably the star of the fi lm, director had courage enough words. The Darjeeling Limited brothers travel on board the est fare, Anderson transcends found it a challenge to represent to fi lm The Life Aquatic on an is a work of art, making very titular Darjeeling train across style to present a journey that a life he had never known. Adr- actual tiny boat, foregoing the few mis-steps throughout its India, with daily laminated itin- moves on a deeply emotional ien Brody, a neophyte joining far easier option of a compu- course. When the fi lm seems eraries provided by a balding level, thrilling not just with such Anderson alumni as Bill ter generated graphic. With long and drawn out, it is vindi- company assistant. sumptuous visual imagery and Murray and Anjelica Huston, is The Darjeeling, the company cated by unexpected cathartic Often whimsical and prompt- a killer soundtrack but with an only child. There is a haunt- commandeered the busiest rail crescendos; when we see the fa- ing dark self-examinations, real heart, however ambiguous ing and wistful line during the network in the entire world miliar cliché of slow motion, we Anderson’s latest effort is a a thing it may be. train journey where Jack asks with a real train. The Darjeeling cannot fail but to be impressed triumph of emotional range and “We wanted to make a movie,” his siblings – “I Limited, as crafted by the crew by its effortless charis- an adept exploration of what it begins Jason Schwartzman, wonder if of the fi lm, actually existed ma. It is a journey, means to be alive and to cope. both co-star and co-writer, “that the three and ran the tracks, a feat and although it Howard Jacobson, novelist and was a bit more mysterious, of us of realism that deeply perhaps lacks columnist for The Independent, more sparse, and which would would’ve impressed Brody, him- the sheer has written that “comic imply more, so that an audience been self more used to the punch of such writing should never member could make up friends artifi cial graphics of Oscar con- be light. Just be- their own mind and their in real Peter Jackson’s King tenders as cause we laugh, own back story for a lot life. Kong. Atonement, it doesn’t mean of what they were see- Not as “It made our job it is one that we’ve stopped ing – so that everyone brothers, a lot more exciting no audience feeling the bur- could go and see the but as and easier in a lot of should fail den of our mortal- same movie and it ways. For instance, the to catch. ity. Death lies like would be complete- a curled snake at ly different for the bottom of every each one of them laugh.” Darjeel- based upon ing would seem to their own dramatise this point experi- of view. It shines as a prime Friday November 9 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] VIEWArts 25

Restaurant Review Tom Evans Gourmet Burger Kitchen ★★★★★

One of the things that con- fuses me is posters, printed on normal paper or – more pretentiously – on canvas. The Gourmet Burger kitchen goes for a poster fusion, combin- ing the Michael Caine/ Bobby Moore black and white print end of things with colour museum postcard photos of Birds period costumes. The Michael Caine/Bobby Moore (or Great Escape) end of things is the male univer- sity end of the poster spec- trum, at the sophisticated end of a subspectrum that runs from sophisticated to simple. (By the way, just because you can say “Hello, I’m Michael Caine” in a stupid voice it doesn’t mean you can do an impression of Michael Caine.) At the simple end are posters on that have pictures of squirrels with balls etc. The spectrum runs through the Godfather, Scarface, Rocky, Reservoir Dogs, and other violent fi lms that have peoples’ nicknames for titles. Now don’t get me wrong, I love Rocky. I love that time when he went up to that surfer and just pasted him right there. I get a little fris- son when Peter and the family Film are in the garden at the end of Reservoir Dogs II: Lost in San Francisco and Sassy and Chance have come home but Peter says that Shadow is “old, Eliza Apperly and Lucy Whelan visit Swedish ‘biological artist’ Henrik it was just too far, he’s too old” and then Shadow comes pant- Håkansson’s exhibition at Kettle’s Yard, and watch him watching nature. ing through the hedge and says “oh Peter” in his low dog- gy voice. Nonetheless, these orn in Sweden in 1968, art- almost like some alarmingly en- struck by a certain poetic poign- inside gallery space; so very few posters elicit from me only a ist Henrik Håkansson has thusiastic (and not too gripping) ancy in the absolute isolation of have taken us to the animals tepid recognition and I’m left always been something of school project, it is precisely such near-extinction. instead. The result is not only wondering why they are on Ban imaginative biologist. Con- obsessive structures of scientifi c Whilst the exhibition does less forceful, it is less controver- so many walls. If I’m getting sistently interested and inspired enquiry, understanding and have this soft and romantic sial and cruel. Instead, through it wrong and these posters by the interaction between man categorisation which fascinate core, it is arguably rather inac- sincere and honest documenta- are more about identity than and nature in 1995 he decided to Håkansson with his own essen- cessible at fi rst glance. Pre- tion, Håkansson offers a newly aesthetics, then I wonder what investigate the musical prefer- tially romantic view of nature. sented as the raw product of refl ective outlook on nature. the owner of Gourmet Burger ences of frogs. Setting up a fully- research, the technical nature Although Håkansson’s gallery Kitchen was trying to tell us. fl edged ‘marsh rave’, Håkansson of the exhibition means that it space does at times make you Perhaps that he is a patriotic blasted out his favourite tracks is diffi cult to feel close to the feel like you’re holidaying with gangster and a fan of 18th across a large swampy area and “the frogs’ croaking subject matter itself. Most of Bill Oddie, there is an ambient century overcoats and boots, noted that its amphibian inhab- the direct experiences to be had atmosphere to be discovered. i.e. Dick Turpin. itants responded to the tunes actually rose and in Håkansson’s gallery are to do Expect a beautiful visual dis- If the posters were the back- with an enthusiasm almost with mechanisms and appara- play and you’ll be disappointed, ground music of the poster equal to his own. According to fell to the music, tus: from the smell of pine from but treat it as atmospheric and world, the food was not the his fi ndings, the frogs’ croaking the mock-up hut, to the whir- thought-provoking art, and background music of the culi- nary world. Rather, it was the actually rose and fell to the mu- with a particular ring projectors and visible gaffa you will be mesmerised. The Slipknot (with the K reversed, sic, with a particular predilec- tape, it all feels very tangible exhibition is only small, but it’s K for fuck you) of the culinary tion, it would seem, for ambient predilection for and lo-fi . All this contributes to well worth a visit – and Kettle’s world. The camembert and techno and sonic trance. Håkansson poignant documen- Yard is nearer than you think. veg burger towered like Babel In the current Kettle’s Yard ambient techno tation of the birds, and relates And if you reckon Henrik’s over the chips. exhibition Three Days of the to a primary point which he marsh rave side is more your The satay and blue cheese Condor, his fi rst major UK and sonic trance” wants to communicate: that thing, then you could always sauces were chunky and show, Håkansson examines nature is so unaware of our visit on the 16th November, homemade, and the meat in the perpetual nature-culture watching it, yet its very sur- when the Camberwell Compos- the classic burger was quality. interplay through slightly more Convinced that the natural vival is being threatened by ers Collective are making their The problem is that once the understated and conventional world should be allowed to our long-term interaction and electronic and acoustic sounds burger falls apart you may be mediums. Focused on the plight “represent itself”, Håkansson infl uence. in the wild and intimate setting left eating quite large slabs of of the rare bird species of Spix’s sets these maps, charts and Whilst the exhibition can feel that will be the last night of the cold mushroom, tomato, cheese Macaw, the California Condor articles of human investiga- more about instrumentation Three Days of the Condor. etc with no bread left to sand- and Gurney’s Pitta, the exhibi- tion in sharp visual contrast and observation than nature, wich it in. This being the case, tion’s three separate audio-vis- to raw, unedited fi lm footage of this treatment of nature in art Three Days of the Condor at things get a bit heavy and inel- ual installations seek to explore the California Condor and to a is a welcome contrast with the Kettle’s Yard is open until 18 egant. And if you’re thinking of the ways in which modern large photo mural of the same contrived and futile attitude November. Admission free. Also avoiding this by funking your society perceives, portrays and bird. With its massive dark towards animals of several open on Friday 16 November burger up, beware: it also cost 6-8pm, when the the Camberwell over a pound to add a slice of relates to the natural world. wing span a lone silhouette other contemporary artists. So pineapple to the classic burger. Though some elements of the against the broad blue sky, even many artists - such as Huang Composers Collective will be It’s worth a trip, but maybe ask exhibition are heavy on informa- the environmentally sceptical Yong Ping, Paola Pivi, and John playing in the gallery from them not to take the piss with tion over aesthetics and appear or disinterested must here be Bock - have put live animals 7.30pm. the tower effect. Arts Editor: George Grist Friday November 9 2007 26 VIEWArts [email protected] varsity.co.uk/arts Return of the Sundance Kid Anton Yavorsky meets screen legend Robert Redford on the imminent release of his latest acting and directorial eff ort, Lions for Lambs, to talk childhood epiphanies and Hollywood politics.

obert Redford is an iconic is a champion of the environ- which takes its name from his insisted that the main virtue of fi gure in Hollywood. And ment and (more importantly for famous role in Butch Cassidy the festival has been the free- even if his biggest impact cinephiles?) a strong advocate and the Sundance Kid. dom of artistic expression, the Ras a fi lm star came before our of independent fi lmmaking. He At the moment it’s his pas- chance for young fi lmmakers to generation, he still remains a was the founder of the Sundance sionate engagement with fi nally say whatever they want. household name. At 71 he is still Film Festival, which has since politics that’s grabbing most All this was on my mind as I very active as an actor and di- become the largest independent of the attention, however. Ever went to meet him for an in- rector, and, outside of his fi lms, cinema festival in America, and since he attained any degree of terview, not least because the autonomy in his work, both as Fox News clip was the most an actor and a director, political viewed Robert Redford video on issues have never been far from YouTube, our society’s foremost his fi lms. This includes his lat- cultural hub. It was somewhat est, Lions For Lambs, which cen- tres on a Republican Senator’s new tactic for the war on terror. Away from the fi lm set, Redford “When I came is an outspoken liberal and this has got him into his fair share of to Europe as a controversies. He was recently quoted on the Fox News Chan- young man,” he nel as saying that “anybody with a rational mind, with a sense of says, “I was very decency, is being positioned as a lefty by the behaviour of the unpolitical. I was extreme right”, at which point the Fox presenter declared: only interested in “Case closed. Hollywood is far left. People have been saying all art... and ladies.” along that Hollywood is one big left-wing propaganda machine, using their movies to tap their of a surprise then, to discover politics, now Redford’s actually that as a young man Robert admitting it. What took him so Redford was entirely uninter- long?” Of course it’s no secret ested in politics. “When I came that Hollywood is primarily left- to Europe as a young man,” he wing (with only a few notable says, “I was very unpolitical. I exceptions such as Clint East- was only interested in art... and It seems that it did. When wood positioned to the right) but ladies.” I think that it is safe to he travelled to Europe at the it is the accusation of propa- say that, even before his rise age of eighteen, he encountered ganda that would irk him most to fame as a fi lm star, his looks students of his own age in Paris as he has always been keen to made sure that the ladies were who, because of the backdrop stress that his fi lms are enter- very interested in him. One can of the Algerian crisis that was tainment fi rst and foremost. Fox hardly blame him, therefore, going on at the time, began to News went on to make their for ignoring the wider world: “I challenge him about his country strongest statement yet: “Red- didn’t have a clue about politics. and his politics, and at fi rst he ford controls the gate into the I didn’t care. To me, in my coun- had no response. “They were movie business for a lot of young try, politicians were boring peo- very active, they were demon- people. Didn’t he just give them ple wearing suits talking about strating in the streets. I didn’t their marching orders? You boring things. I took no interest have anything to say. I was hu- want to be in Sundance? Make in politics. I was interested in miliated and embarrassed.” As a sure you make this kind of fi lm.” adventure and I thought that result, he began to pay closer at- They were hitting him where my education was going to come tention to what was happening it hurts; Redford has always through adventure”. in America, all his information Friday November 9 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] VIEWArts 27

Americans of his own age felt likes celebrities telling us how to with current affairs, and this think politically?”, “More proof prompted him to “put a criti- that Hollywood is anti-Ameri- cal eye” to his own culture. “I can”. Redford continues, “That’s saw how fortunate we were,” he just an unfortunate expectation, says, “I saw how other people it’s a sad part of our country, were suffering in other parts that we have extreme points of the world. At that time, of of view. We’re so lucky that we course, we’d had no attack on live in a country where we can our country, so I thought, we are entertain different points of very fortunate - do we appreci- view, the fact that we don’t is ate it? So from that point on I depressing.” became an artist, then I became Redford also responds strong- an actor, then a director, and ly to the claim that the fi lm I wanted to put on fi lm what I is nothing more than liberal had experienced in my own life that told the truth about my own country.” Redford’s descriptions of “We are in the himself as a young man have strong similarities with the entertainment character of Todd Hayes in Li- ons For Lambs: a talented but business. And slightly arrogant student who has lost interest in his political I’m much happier sciences class because he’s come to believe that nothing is ever entertaining going to change in politics any- way, that politicians are all just people while men in suits who go round in circles. I ask Redford whether provoking some he also saw that parallel with the character. “I was him, in a thought.” way. Like Todd, I had a certain arrogance, a certain scepti- cism, a rebelliousness towards authority, as a young man. I propaganda: “The fi lm would can defi nitely identify with have had no traction if it just the student.” With a lifetime’s went straight for it. I don’t think experience behind him, Redford that at least American audi- has now become far more like ences respond at all to propa- the professor that he plays in ganda in fi lms. You take a hard the fi lm, who admonishes the line and you’re narrowing the student for his lack of interest: audience.” He pauses and then “I now know the dangers of ap- declares fervently, “we are in the athy, the dangers of not getting entertainment business. And involved. So that was one of the I’m much happier entertaining reasons that I wanted to play people while provoking some the part’. He smiles and adds, thought. In my fi lms there’s “I thought, this will be interest- always a conundrum, I present ing, playing a teacher when I different points of view.” was kicked out of school.” Redford points out that it The scenes between the would have been easy to make student and his professor in Tom Cruise’s character – the Lions For Lambs come across Republican Senator – merely “a as a dual between a young, moustache-twirling villain”, but cocky Robert Redford and his that instead he gives reason- wiser, older, more temperate self. able and coherent arguments Redford is keen, however, to dis- for the continuation of military tance his own politics as much tactics on the war on terror in as possible from the fi lm, and af- Lions For Lambs. “I have my ter the Fox News attack it’s not own view about him,” Redford diffi cult to see why. “What I feel admits, “But you, the audience, personally,” he says, “is going to have to decide what you think, be put in the fi lm in a different not me, and I leave room for way than I might personally say you to do that.” it.” With the fi lm being centred Whether that is really the on very current issues (namely case is certainly debatable, and the war on terror and the con- his critics have been quick to de- fl ict in Afghanistan) and with clare that simply presenting dif- Redford’s strong liberal politics, ferent points of view is not good that distance is something that enough if they’re not given equal is proving almost impossible weight. Redford is just as quick maintain in any discussions to respond: “People say, well about the fi lm. Keen to demon- he’s just a lefty. If I was a lefty, strate my (exhaustive) research, I’d be making the fi lms Michael I cite the Fox News comments Moore makes.” He has a point. and ask Redford whether he is Whatever Fox News might say, concerned at the way he’s being Robert Redford is no Michael labelled. “It used to be disap- Moore, and Lions for Lambs is Applause: Robert Redford acknowledges his costars at the Lions for Lambs premiere pointing, now I just expect it. It’s not a political manifesto, it’s a so predictable how they’re going Hollywood blockbuster. arriving through the lens of an- Another experience that had doing to fi ght for freedom…that other country’s media. “I began a profound impact on the young was the fi rst time that I had to read accounts of my country Robert Redford was his encoun- experienced that. And so when from different magazines and ter with refugees who were I came back to America, I was a newspapers. And I realised that fl eeing to Austria to escape much darker person”. Robert Redford it was very different from the the Hungarian revolution. He On his return to his home Selected Films point of view that I had grown was staying in a youth hostel country, he assumed that his up with. I grew up in California outside of Vienna when he was friends would be interested in and there everything is fi ne. asked to make way for wounded those experiences, which for him 1960s: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid Even though I grew up in a Hungarian refugees, and he vol- were instrumental in shaping 1970s: The Candidate, The Sting, The Great Gatsby, Three Days lower working class community, unteered to join up with other his path for the future, but all of the Condor, All the President’s Men, A Bridge Too Far still the sun was always shin- students to help more people their questions echoed his own 1980s: The Natural, Out of Africa ing. Everybody was fi ne. And I across the border. “For two days attitude prior to his travels: 1990s: Sneakers, A River Runs Through It, Up Close and realised that wasn’t the way it I worked with another group of “Redford, how were the girls? Personal, The Horse Whisperer was in the rest of the world, and kids. And my experience, seeing How was the food?” It was at 2000s: The Last Castle, Spy Game, The Clearing, An Unfi nished that their view of my country that and seeing the suffering, that point, he says, that he Life, Charlotte’s Web, Lions for Lambs was complex.” and seeing what people were realised how little connection Arts Editor: George Grist Friday November 9 2007 28 VIEWArts [email protected] varsity.co.uk/arts

From Canvas Ca$h In the second part of Sam Rose’s guide for fi rst-time art buyers, he explores the range of options for picking up a bargain, from glamorous London galleries and auctioneers to the risky world of internet buying. And the junk shop where he may, or may not, have picked up a Rembrandt.

s far as “friend of a while at the same time stand- friend” stories go, it ing up to some intellectual almost ranks up there scrutiny. If you can pick out withA the time someone took a reasonably tasteful area acid and locked a goblin in the of interest (and it could just cupboard. Abroad the other as well be antiques, or even day a friend of my friend furniture), then the results bought a painting in a char- can be fantastic. The fact is ity shop, convinced it was that everyone will have some something a bit more special sort of collection during their than the price suggested. lifetime. By taking an interest After taking it home and it becomes a thing of pleasure, getting out his art books his even something life affirming, suspicion was confirmed. The and not just a collection of painting was, or at least was a fashionable rubbish you paid close copy of, a Jasper Johns. through the nose for because The auction house he took it you didn’t know any better. to gladly authenticated the So how to start buying? work, and the sale ended up After choosing an area of bringing him something close interest, it’s wise to assess to a million pounds. I would how much you can reasonably like to say that a beautiful art afford to spend. collection was crafted from No one needs a lot of money the sudden windfall, but I to buy, though if you have hear that to date it has mostly rich parents or a future in been spent on champagne, investment banking it won’t Saville Row suits, and French hurt. For those prepared to prostitutes. He was, allegedly, trust their judgement and from Oxford. extend their student debt, the While speculative art buy- ‘Ownart’ scheme run by the Arts Council England offers a £2000 interest free loan to invest in the work of living “ e sale ended artists. I often look at people up bringing him playing the standard upper- middle class trick of putting close to a million their student loan (or Cam- bridge bursary…) in a fixed pounds... to date high interest account, and wonder why they don’t just it has mostly take the money and buy a safe ‘blue chip’ print instead. A been spent on carefully chosen work would ultimately be worth as much champagne, anyway, and rather than an occasional bank statement Saville Row suits to look forward to you could have the pleasure of a genu- and French ine, quality work of art on the wall. At the end of the day, it’s prostitutes. He not like their parents won’t pay off their loan anyway. was, allegedly, For the rest of us, one word of warning: do keep some from Oxford.” money in your bank account. I will never forget the dark, dark time when I almost had ing can be fun, and occasion- to pawn my Georgian silver ally profitable, it’s no real spoons to pay for a few extra basis for a lifetime of collect- nights out. ing. It is a common saying in For those with money, or the art world that you should without much experience, art buy what you love, not what dealers are a good place to you think will make money. start. By art dealers, I don’t This is true up to a point, that mean ones like those you find Britain. Whether or not you to more international or more time. The first work I ever point being when you love in Cambridge, but serious can afford to buy in these old-fashioned tastes. They can bought was on Cork Street. Jack Vettriano (in which case galleries with regular runs of places it’s still well worth be intimidating, but generally Being able to examine the real I suggest you take some time exhibitions (where, naturally, visiting them. Places such as they are happy to welcome in thing gave me the confidence out to repeatedly stab your- everything is for sale). Al- Waddington Galleries always anyone who shows an inter- to judge a similar work (in a self in the eyes with a pencil). though you will pay more, the have a range of museum- est. For all they know you dodgy auction) as real, paying Instead, try to find works that range of works and expertise quality modern art on display, could have rich parents, have less than a tenth of the price provoke a reaction or capture available around Cork Street while the galleries on the just started a job, or, like me, for it. And that leaves you a strong feeling inside you, in London is fairly unique in surrounding streets can cater have saved up for a very long feeling pretty smug. Friday November 9 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] VIEWArts 29

An art-ificial life Lowri to Jenkins There’s something about irony $ that worries me. I’m grow- Canvas Ca h ing increasingly convinced that irony today has no sense of, well, irony. Gone is the nudge-nudge-wink-wink sly- ness which made someone like Oscar Wilde so dazzling. Irony seems to have been detached from its own critical sharpness, and become the default tone of our society. We are meta-this branches make for amazing down. These are the places one at these schools, try and and post-avant-that, a culture places to visit, bear in mind where with a little cunning catch some of the gossip going with so many products and tra- that the more central and you can pick up ‘no reserve’ on, or try and buy up any- ditions that we can only deal in expensive locations are prob- works for as little as £20. thing unsold by prizewinners. references, snatched dialogue ably not the best places to For those who are shy, Ultimately though, you’re from fi lms. When Mr Wilde start buying art. The works lacking time, or just lazy, the himself told us that “quotation sold at these venues will be internet is increasingly be- is a serviceable substitution for the prestige works meant coming a reasonable place to “I may take it down wit”, it seems that we took him to demonstrate the power of buy. Not only can you browse at his word. It’s easier to take the auctioneer, and the sales freely without the need to to Sotherby’s one someone else’s funny line than will be packed with men and travel (or have an aggressive be funny yourself. And there women seriously intent on sales pitch put your way), day, but then are so many too chose from, buying no matter what. An art but the low overheads mean you can construct a whole history professor here once that online galleries can offer again they may identity with them. described telephone bidding some genuinely great deals. Susan Sontag writes that on a painting he’d studied for Of these, my pick are the tell me it’s not “Ours is a culture based on years. Towards the end of a public galleries that produce excess, on overproduction.” fierce bidding war, the line occasional print editions in This over-availability has not worth the paper only distanced us from our went dead, and he was left conjunction with high profile feelings towards art, it’s dis- choking into the empty line as artists, then offer them at it’s printed on, and tanced us from real life. Now, he was ruthlessly outbid. unusually low prices. These our cultural critics inform us, For students, the small include the Serpentine, the suspension life itself is “art”-ifi cial. Often branches of the major auction- Whitechapel, and one that we cannot tell the difference eers, or one of the hundreds of I’m keeping to myself until of disbelief is far between the two. smaller auction houses dotted I save enough to buy one of YouTube embodies the cross- around the country, offer the their unbelievably priced more enjoyable for germination of art and real- best chance of picking up a limited edition portfolios (if life: harrowing documentaries bargain. There may be some you’re keen enough you’ll find now” sit next to music videos and other “keen amateurs”, bred it…). Even Tate Modern were clips of a Russian bear beating on a diet of crap like Cash in selling Banksy prints a few up a chinaman. For artists the Attic, but it’s unlikely that years ago, the same prints best off buying with your eye and nobodies alike, it wields people will have the passion now worth perhaps double and your heart here. These alarming power. Whether we or the buying power to raise what they were sold for. As far are works that you can’t think she’s a dippy cow from the price of everything beyond as online dealers go, britart. guarantee will appreciate in Louisiana or a bona fi de star, I your reach. Unlikely as it com and countereditions. value, so you really do need have no doubt that the success sounds, it’s also worth tak- com offer a good selection of to like them. For this reason of Britney’s comeback depends ing a lesson from the banking upcoming artists and YBAs it’s probably not wise to buy on Youtube, thanks to the revolted fascination surround- world here. The new Art Trad- at better prices than any from websites selling this sort ing not only her, but the Chris ing Fund (a hedge fund based central London gallery can of art; it’s just not sensible to Crocker-related “Leave Britney around art) buys from sellers offer. Finally, if you think you judge the quality of a metre Aloooooone” videos. suffering from “the three Ds”: can brave ebay, give it a shot. tall oil painting by a little The problem is, because debt, death and divorce. While But I wouldn’t trust anything jpeg image. Finally, for the irony has become the norm, I this sounds rather unpleas- unless you are seriously truly brave (and foolish), go can no longer tell whether I confident about your authen- hunting in charity and junk actually value something, or ticating skills (and prefer- shops. You never do know. whether I just want to pass ably have another print of So back to the opening story. it off in conversation. Take “ e new Art the same edition to compare On a more personal, and very YouTube favourite, R. Kelly’s it to!). A final note on buying much more minor level, I am Trapped in the Closet: it’s Trading Fund prints - etchings, lithographs, now the proud owner of what HUGE, the Paradise Lost of photographs, and anything I am convinced is a Rem- our ironised times. R laugh- buys from sellers produced with an interesting brandt etching. It set me back ably thinks he has invented process tends to be a good buy. £20 in a junk shop, where it “hip hopera”. As a principled suff ering from Do, however, always buy lim- came unframed with no prov- person, do I enjoy watching R ited editions that are signed enance, and no description. I Kelly threaten to slap an over- the three Ds, debt, and numbered, and steer clear may take it down to Sotheby’s weight woman with a phoney of ‘giclee’ prints unless you one day, but then again they Alabaman accent whilst sing- ing the words “Bitch say no death and divorce. really want a signed colour may tell me it’s not worth the more”? Not necessarily. But photocopy on your wall. paper it’s printed on, and the as a louche young ironist, do I While this sounds The bravest place to go suspension of disbelief is far enjoy watching him provide his searching is amongst new and more enjoyable for now. Either own reverb for lines like “oh rather unpleasant, unproven artists. This is of way, a real problem with col- my god a rubber – ”? YES. And course the most lucrative if lecting (if you could call it a I want more of it. it can be crucial for you guess right, but the real problem), is that it takes on I”m not damning all modern appeal here is the potential a slightly addictive nature. art, nor all modern life simply CHARLOTTE TYSON any buyer looking to own a painting, drawing, Even with a profit in sight it because we are suffering under As that suggests, the next or selection of works for what can be seriously difficult to the weight of our own excess of and possibly best place to go to save money” would otherwise get you just let go of a cherished drawing, throwaway culture. I simply hunting is at auction. The big a single print. The Royal Col- print, or even spoon. To date, worry that, with too much names (Sotheby’s, Christies’s lege of Art and Royal Acad- however, the biggest rise in irony, we are turning into and Bonhams) offer some of ant, it can be crucial for any emy both hold summer and value of anything I’ve ever self-referential critics placing the best examples of pretty buyer looking to save money. mid-term shows, but other bought is on a case of 2005 the artist under threat: after much anything collectable, be Look out for auction sales of art schools like Chelsea and claret. Hard as art is hard to all, there’s only so far “meta”- it sculpture, wine, or antique entire estates, or even of old Goldsmith’s can also be worth part with, that will be a truly wards you can go. And I hope toys. While the Bond Street businesses that have shut checking out. If you know any- painful one to let go. we can all see the irony in that. Arts Editor: George Grist Friday November 9 2007 30 REVIEW [email protected] varsity.co.uk/arts

Harold Pinter’s The Collection the mark, and unfortunately it performance throughout. is a diffi cult play. It is a short, is a crucial one. The audience Claire Wells as Stella was The Collection unsettling vignette; the plot is never fi nd out what really hap- convincingly nervous, but failed view simple, the focal point of the ac- pened that night in Leeds, and to portray the character’s motiva- from the gods Fitzpatrick tion (a one night stand in Leeds it is clear that the actual truth tions fully enough, and thus during which an act of infi del- is irrelevant. When asked as to failed to convey why Stella’s Hall ity either did or did not take what actually took place, Pinter version of the truth held sig- place) is unseen by the audi- answered “I’m not bothered”. nifi cance for her. Ade O’Brien’s ence, and the play’s conclusion It is not the job of the perform- depiction of Bill was impressive is purposefully unsatisfactory. ers to try to convince the audi- at times, but he was essentially To make for compelling view- ence that their unconvincing as a “slum-slug” ing the performers must create turned gentleman. These minor an unnerving atmosphere, the shortcomings aside, the play intensity of which ought to be would have been a great retained throughout, without success had the character it becoming unnaturally of Jimmy (Okey Nzelu) On Wednesday night I went to menacing. been performed with see The Collection at the Fitz- With this in mind, Joe the maturity, acute- patrick Hall in Queens. The play Hytner offered up an ness and force that was quite good but the theatre admirable production. was so necessary to was bloody marvellous. This Most indicative of this, hold the production won’t be another sanctimonious perhaps, was that the together. Unfor- exhortation to the student body play was enjoyable to tunately, Nzelu’s to go to see plays which aren’t at watch. Given the lack delivery lacked the ADC. Don’t bother, go just to of on-stage action and weight and failed to see the Fitzpatrick Hall. Pinter’s characteristic create the unnerv- That anyone wants to put on silences, the risk of ing environment a play at the Corpus Playroom creating sixty minutes so essential in his is beyond me. Only a small of boring theatre is high. scenes with his ap- percentage of plays should be Boring theatre was, in parent love rival, Bill. performed at such a venue, this instance, avoided: the DYLAN SPENCER-DAVIDSON Perhaps the most with its absurd L-shape, which direction was careful, and interesting aspect of gives its audiences a privileged the ambience created by the Pinter’s The Collection is view straight into the wings. performers was appropriately the proliferation of differ- One only hopes that the back- uncomfortable. James Sharpe ent versions of “the truth”. That stage crew are nice-looking. The gave a particularly impressive Hytner’s production failed to Pembroke Cellars is a passable performance as Harry, a camp, charac- ter’s show why this is interesting con- venue, in that it is a room big Dir: Joe Hytner wealthy businessman in the rag interpretation of events is the stitutes a serious shortfall. That enough to squeeze fi fty chairs trade delivery and his delivery correct one; rather we should the production was nonetheless into, with black curtains, and a had forcefulness and urgency be shown why each character’s compelling and undeniably slick, desk outside trying quite hard which was sometimes lacking in individual interpretations have however, indicates the presence to be like a theatre. Theatre that of the other actors. a specifi c emotional signifi cance of some serious talent amongst But we worry about putting ★★★★★ This was the greatest respect to them. In regards to this, only the cast and production team. on a play anywhere other than in which the production missed Sharpe offered a forceful enough Tash Lennard the three listed above. For who has ever been to the Fitzpatrick Hall? Who even knows where We were dubious about going classic Alastair Roberts satire over zealous sound effect men Queens’ is? The latter is actu- to the Footlights Smoker this on the Cambridge wooing scene who, despite their many bizarre ally quite an important concern. week; last year’s experiences (the backdrop of course being talents, were discovered to be Smoker were a little lacklustre, and Cindies), through the medium unable to whistle. The lover ad- left us somewhat disillusioned of soulful song, and ended in a dicted to metaphors and similes ADC “real nice blue as to the quality of comedy in hilarious fi nale by a Jo Brand- was also highly entertaining, Cambridge. However, our faith esque comedienne, musing upon as he attempted to patch up his carpets and white has been restored. Instead of a the trials and tribulations of her relationship with his call centre series of largely cringeworthy Essex background. The inter- girlfriend using nothing but walls” acts, we were treated to some of vening sketches ranged from fi gurative language. the fi nest sketches the student those in this vein to the absurd, Sam Sword gave a character- Buy a map. Get to Queens’, and body has to offer. the farcical and the downright istically strong performance, as ask a porter. They are perfectly In contrast to the rather unnerving. They were a mixed a cynical Aussie having an exis- friendly. Except you can’t smoke cliquey set of last year, there bunch, but let’s face it, Smokers tential crisis, who tautologically anywhere in Queens’. So don’t was a range of fresh faces, with wouldn’t be Smokers without a railed against the absurdity of even dare. And don’t even think a greater variety and number of few dud acts. the unreal. We recommend that about smoking in the porter’s sketches, and a strong contin- The highlight was undoubt- you book your tickets early for Comedy lodge. Otherwise you’ll never gent of successful female acts. edly the sketch of a play per- the next show. ★★★★★ make it. It opened in fi ne style, with a formed for radio, in which the Becky Valori & Verity Simpson Although the torn tickets outside the Fitzpatrick Hall look as though they were An Inspector Calls, a GCSE ing Mr and Mrs Birling and their accusations, a tense chemistry printed and cut up ten minutes favourite, is probably all too daughter’s pompous fi ancé try to builds between Eric and his beforehand by a myopic chim- An Inspector familiar to most of us. Having writhe their way out of a public unloving, unforgiving father. The panzee, they are just tickets. written 2000 words on whether scandal. only character without much Who cares about tickets other Calls Mr Birling is really the arrogant, At times, the production is stage presence is the inspector than obssessives and traffi c selfi sh snob that he appears visually arresting. The play himself. It is almost as if he plays wardens? And lottery winners. Fitzpatrick to be (the answer is, in short, opens with a clever ironic re- the role of the Goole too well; he But if you can leave your petty yes), it is not surprising that versal of the inspector setting the certainly has a pallid face and a concerns at the box offi ce and Hall some of us have lost passion for table with glasses and opening distant, ethereal manner, but at proceed up the stairs, you’ll J.B.Priestley’s classic. the door for the Birlings. A short the same time he is barely notice- see the carpets, real nice blue Yet BATS deserved a larger stylised freeze frame precedes able. Still, his fi nal speech is carpets and white walls. audience for what was, on the the action, but is not so effective delivered with chilling conviction. And you go through the lobby whole, a well-crafted, well-acted when used in the middle of a It is uncanny that the themes into the auditorium itself and production. Although Priestley scene later in the play. The set, Priestley explores in An Inspec- you are surprised to see that tends to spoon feed the audience decorated mainly in bold red, tor Calls - recognising yourself as there are lots of seats - not a bitter brew of sharp, socialist echoes the inspector’s parting part of a community rather than plastic chairs, mind, real theatre rhetoric, it is easy to forget how message of social responsibility: a social island, taking responsi- seats, like in the cinema, comfy enjoyable this guilt trip is. There ‘If men will not learn that lesson, bility for your actions - remain so seats. And there are hundreds is a real satisfaction in seeing they will be taught it in fi re and startlingly relevant over 60 years of them, so don’t worry about Inspector Goole break down blood and anguish’. after it was fi rst written. This not getting a ticket. You can the comfortable walls of social The cast do a good job in fl esh- reminds us that no matter how sit anywhere too. There’s free decorum that stand between the ing out the somewhat stere- the world changes, one thing will seating, which is good if you’re a wealthy Birling family and the otypical characters. Tempe Nell remain constant: human selfi sh- punctual person. Dir: Kat Upton real world. When Goole announc- commands the stage with her ness. Although we may get per- And that’s how to get to the es the suicide of a young woman thoroughly convincing por- verse enjoyment from watching Fitzpatrick Hall. So even if you at the family engagement party, trayal of Mrs Birling, a stern, the Birling family crumble, this don’t want to see An Inspector each character discovers they cold-hearted woman. Eric, the pleasure is almost masochistic. Calls, even if you don’t care are in some way entangled in the Birling’s prodigal son, is by far There is a Birling in all of us, but one iota about the Welfare Theatre web of events which led to her the most complex member of let’s just hope there’s a Goole in State, go and see the Fitz- ★★★★★ death. The audience squirm in the family. As the characters are the machine too. patrick Hall. Smell the seats. delighted unease as the patronis- plunged into a dark cauldron of Sophie Sawicka-Sykes They smell like theatre. Friday November 9 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] REVIEW 31

I was really ill the night I was and hugely debilitating muta- ence up was the already classic Los meant to see tweecore (their tion of the common cold virus You! Me! Dancing! (I may be albums fab new genre) heroes Los which girls can get) was going using more exclamation marks every right-minded person Campesinos!, but did I let that to stop me. than are strictly necessary), should own Campesinos! put me off? Did I hell. I’m rock So what was good about see- but the band delivered eve- ‘n’ roll to the core. I eat rock ing Los Campesinos! was that rything with equal vim and Barfl y ‘n’ roll, sleep rock ‘n’ roll, shit they put just as much effort vigour, even providing a dance rock ‘n’ roll. into it as I did. Like a mental routine for set-closer, Sweet When I wake up in the orchestra of ADHD sufferers Dreams, Sweet Cheeks. morning after a heavy night of on poppers and pro-plus (not For anyone else out there drinking enough warm lager dissimilar from my own chemi- suffering from man-colds (or to drown Lemmy, Josh Hom- cal condition on the night), even pathetic girl colds), I’d me, and that husky fella out of they kicked the lack-lustre au- recommend a solid dose of Bowling for Soup, rock ‘n’ roll dience’s ass with a selection of tweecore, stat. If only it came accumulates in cruddy white songs that I’ve been listening with a little double-ended Live Review patches at the corners of my to and literally raving about spoon, it would actually be ★★★★★ mouth. I’m bullet proof, and for months and months. The perfect. no man-cold (the super-strong only thing that fi red the audi- Philip Rack Blue Joni Mitchell There has been a tendency as town sheriffs. Both give with horror films of late to pretty solid performances but, Blue functions, in many ways, re-tread the same tired old inevitably in these sorts of 30 Days of like a cup of tea on a cold day. It cliches ad nauseam, leaving films, you’re not there for the warms, it soothes, and it always McFly the viewer with a serious case detailed characters portraits. Night hits the spot. Written in 1971, of deja vu. There was little This film is all about the during self-imposed exile while Greatest Hits reason for excitement, there- scares, and it delivers them Mitchell was travelling through fore, in the anticipation of with a punch. Europe, it is a sad, poetic David Slade’s latest offering, Rather than opting for the collection of intimate wonder- Album 30 Days of Night. However, sudden loud noises and false ings about love lost and found. ★★★★★ against all expectations, this alarms that seem to have Mitchell’s vocals are accompa- film manages to breathe fresh perpetuated horror films over nied by piano, guitar and (you life into the previously undead the last decade, 30 Days opts guessed it) Appalachian dulci- vampire movie genre. The plot for a more subtle approach. At mer, and she is joined by such centres around a small town first only fleeting glimpses are musical heavyweights as her in Alaska that, every winter seen of the vampires in the then-fl ame James Taylor, but endures 30 days without sun- background as the villagers the songstress sounds totally light. A smart and convenient struggle to comprehend what alone throughout, introspecting holiday destination, you might is happening, but the sense as much as is humanly possible have thought, for a group of of dread and tension builds and channelling the melancholy blood-thirsty vampires looking slowly throughout until the she fi nds into art. to get away from the tiring inevitable face-off begins. And It’s always the music we meet daily chore of sun-dodging. As with it comes a satisfyingly at our most self-involved which the darkness sets in, so do the large bucket of guts and gore. hits us deepest, and if you’ve vampires, feasting on the vil- 30 Days is obviously not a ever felt real love Blue will lage folk with unalloyed glee. classic film that will live long hit you like a freight train on The community is soon whit- in the memory but, as a piece crack. Mitchell commented that Isn’t pop music brilliant? I re- tled down to a small bunch of of solid popcorn entertain- Dir: David Slade “there’s hardly a dishonest note ally do think it must be up be survivors who must stave off ment, it’s an excellent way to in the vocals… I felt like a cel- up there with some of human- the vampires for 30 days until spend a cold winter’s evening. lophane wrapper on a pack of ity’s other great achievements the sun returns to the town. Just leave the lights on. cigarettes. I felt like I had abso- (the Moon landings, the Chan- At the head of the group are Ben Grist Film lutely no secrets from the world nel Tunnel, the Wonderbra), Josh Hartnett and Melissa ★★★★★ and I couldn’t pretend my life to and if that’s the case, then I George as a separated hus- be strong”. The openness and think a representative sample band and wife, also serving intimacy of her vocals strikes a of it – the selection we’d present chord with anybody capable of to any visiting aliens upon their strong emotions, and that’s why arrival as an example of our I did, I confess, judge this Blue Sky. In reality, the best the record is as relevant to the culture – should be McFly’s album by its rather uninspiring track on the album that hasn’t peace-loving, anti-war-protest- Greatest Hits. The Hoosiers cover. I was fully prepared to be yet been released is Killer; I ing youth it was written for as When they fi rst arrived in the subjected to 11 tracks of stale, know it sounds like a dubious the generations of today. wake of Busted, they were just  e Trick to lacklustre, aching indie self Michael Jackson rip off, but An interesting aspect of Blue another boy band who didn’t pity, from a band with a lead it sounds more like a mix of is the way Mitchell communi- look like they could tie their Life singer shorter than your aver- Black Rebel Motorcycle Club cates her feelings by evoking own shoelaces, let alone play age six-year-old. and the Kooks. times and places. She wants their own instruments. A few Contrast this with their I’ve made this band sound to make something meaning- years later, and they feel more ridiculously tall drummer, who like they have no original ideas ful out of her misery, and like a rock band with conces- also sports a dubious handle- or sounds whatsoever, which does it by painting pictures sions to a pop audience than a bar moustache, and already is probably unfair; the vocals of her life. The iconic River, pop band with pretensions to you get the idea that they at least are fairly unique. This for instance, starts with a being a rock band. But even if might not be the most com- is really the most we can ask minor rendition of jingle bells they can play guitar/write their patible of bands. But, despite of this album, owing to the recalling a certain Christmas, own songs, who cares? They’re their various height issues, present market saturated but is really about a woman good songs, regardless of which the Hoosiers aren’t actually with similar offerings, and whose romance has turned underpaid song-writing con- that bad (let’s remember, their in all fairness Irwin Sparke, bad and who wants to escape. glomerate came up with them appearance doesn’t actually Alphonso Sharland and Martin All the tracks, the moods of (or do they just get machines to affect their music, it’s just Skarendahl defi nitely mete out which range from infatuated do it these days?). interesting). a respectable attempt; it’s just to yearning to compassion- Five Colours in Her Hair Their opening track, Worried unfortunate that the most ex- ate, evince a situation and an comes across like a Monkees About Ray, is pleasantly me- citing things about them (apart individual who feels as real to for the 21st century, Obviously lodic and buoyant, one of those from the way they look) are the listener as they would in is the sound of a cheesy disco songs that you can’t really their names. fl esh-and-blood reality. in heaven, and Transylvania is help liking, and the rest of the Verity Simpson The main reason to own this a genuinely bizzaro-gonzo pop album continues for the most record, however, is its lyrical song that I seriously cannot part in this vein. Maybe there and musical perfection – the think of any good comparisons isn’t the most exhilarating of clarity and range of her voice for. Even their cover of Don’t contrasts from track to track, is stunning, and every song is Stop Me Now isn’t that bad (it’s but a select few, such as Every- a simple classic. Clocking in still pretty bad). And you might thing Goes Dark, contain traces at just over 35 minutes, Blue laugh, but Room on the Third of dexterous guitar work and won’t take up much space in Floor is as witty and enjoyable the lyrics of Run Rabbit Run your CD collection, but will a song on the perils of fame as consist of an extended simile of surely enrich your life; the an- has ever been written by any Homeric proportions. gelic vocals, combined with the serious, credible rock band. If you like the Electric Light dark intensity they describe, Pop is brilliant. McFly are Orchestra, then Goodbye Mr A creates a beauty rarely found in pop. Therefore, McFly are bril- Album will inevitably be your fa- the manufactured, pretentious liant. The system works. ★★★★★ vourite track, as it practically industry of today. Josh Farrington plagiarises both riff and name Sophie Erskine of the aforementioned’s Mr Listings Editors: Josh Farrington, Verity Simpson Friday November 9 2007 32 VIEWListings [email protected] varsity.co.uk/listings fi l m theatre music other going out Brick Lane Othello Sons and Daughters An Evening with S.U.A.D. presents Sun 11 Nov, Arts Tue 13 Nov - Sat 17 Nov, Barfl y @ The Graduate, 19.30, Tony Benn Krafty Kuts Picturehouse, 17.00 Corpus Christi Playroom, £8.50 Monday 12 Nov, Emmanuel Tues 13 Nov, Soultree, 21.00- 19.00, £4.50 - £5 United Reformed Church, 03.00 Monica Ali’s best selling Trumpington Street, 19.00, £5 novel is brought to the I’ve never read Othello. It’s (students £3) Krafty Kuts is one of the screen in what promises to my secret shame (along with world’s biggest DJs. Appar- pick be a veritable feelings-fest many other, more personal- Benn has claimed there are ently. But seriously, he has been of emotion and tension. hygiene related foibles). fi ve questions which you awarded Best DJ at the Inter- of As 17-year-old Nazneen I’ve read nearly every other should ask of any powerful national Breakspoll Awards 3 is transported from her Shakespeare play - even some person: “What power have times in a row and he’s a world idyllic Bangladeshi village to of the really crap ones like Two you got? Where did you get it class remixer and producer. Noble Kinsmen, and Hamlet - urban London for arranged from? In whose interests do Probably means little to most but somehow, throughout my the marriage, she is confronted you use it? To whom are you of those who are not in the DJ entire existence, I’ve managed accountable? How do we get know, but trust us, it’s a good with discontent, a racist to avoid reading Othello. Not atmosphere, and ultimately rid of you?” thing. You can book your tickets via any deliberate avoidance at www.wegottickets.com, or week temptation. Personally, I strategy, you understand. The event is hosted by from Ta Bouche, Cult Clothing always got it confused with It’s just happened. I’m sorry, Scottish. Brooding. Folky. Murder Cambridge Stop The War and the Union on Friday night. White Teeth, but my friends alright? And I will make Ballads. Glamour. Instruments. Coalition. Go along and listen With such a plethora of oppor- tell me they’re actually amends, by going to see it Band. Music. I’m struggling to to a proper political hero for a tunity, there’s really no excuse different books. when it is on. Like it is. Handy. fi nd more appropriate words. pittance. to miss out now, is there? friday Elizabeth: The Golden Age Fame - the Musical Gary Moore Cambridge MasterPlayers Friday Fez Vue, 14.40, 17.20, 20.00 ADC Theatre, 21.00 Corn Exchange, 19.00, £25 Man West Road Music Hall, 20.00, Fez, 22.00-03.30, £5 - £7 Lions for Lambs The Zoo Story with the best guitar solo (i.e. £6.50 - £13 Generator Vue, 15.30, 18.00, 20.30 ADC Theatre, 23.00 “constipated-looking”) face in Conducted by Tagabo Ilozue, Kambar, 22.00-03.30, £3 Black Gold An Inspector Calls the whole music industry. And a a performance of Gustave S.U.A.D. Arts Picturehouse, 17.00 Fitzpatrick Hall, Queens’ bit of a blues legend to boot. Mahler’s Symphony No. 2 The Union, 21.00-01.00, £3 for College, 19.30 Resurrection. non Union members

saturday The Band’s Visit Fame - the Musical Robin Jones & King Salsa CUMS 1 performs The Indie Thing 9Arts Picturehouse, 12.30, ADC Theatre, 14.30, 21.00 Junction, 20.00, £15 Tchaikovsky, Liszt and Kambar, 22.00-03.30, £2 before 17.00, 18.00 The Zoo Story You know they’ll never live up Rachmaninov 22.30, £3 with NUS, £5 Do You Remember Dolly ADC Theatre, 23.00 to the name. West Road Music Hall, 20.00, Hed Kandi ‘Disco Heaven’ Bell? An Inspector Calls £5 - £10 Fez, 21.00-03.00, £8 before Old Labs, Newnham Gar- Fitzpatrick Hall, Queens’ 22.00, £10 thereafter dens, 20.00 College, 19.30

sunday Good Luck Chuck During outbreaks of the Laura Hocking Promenade Concert The Sunday Service 10 Vue, 12.30, 15.00, 17.30, 20.20 plague in ye olde London, the Clare Cellars, 20.00 Fitzwilliam Museum, 13.50 Club 22, 22.00-03.00, £4 - £5 Death at a Funeral theatres were regularly closed We’ve been listening to her ...is killing Cambridge. You’ve Vue, 18.30 down. MySpace for months. all been waiting for that one, Brick Lane Spiers & Boden haven’t you? Arts Picturehouse, 11.00 Junction, 19.00, £12 What the folk? etc, etc. monday Elizabeth: The Golden Age Whether this was a good Sons and Daughters Barfl y @ Ruffl ed Feathers: Birds, Fat Poppadaddy’s 11 Vue, 14.40, 17.20, 20.00 thing or a bad thing, I couldn’t The Graduate, 19.30, £8.50 Conservation, Culture Fez, 22.00-03.30 £3 - £4 The Birds possibly say. Rilo Kiley Kettle’s Yard, 10.00 - 17.00 Renacimiento Arts Picturehouse, 18.00 Junction, CANCELLED An Evening with Tony Benn Soul Tree, free before 23.00, £3 Lame. This coulda been sweet. Emmanuel United Reformed -£4 after 00.00 Church, Trumpington Street, Just how many times can this 19.00, £5 (concessions £3) be ‘reborn’? tuesday 30 Days of Night The Visit Oi Va Voi Private Pleasures: Wake Up Screaming 12 Vue, 15.20, 18.10, 20.50 ADC Theatre, 19.45 Junction, 19.00, £12 Illuminated Manuscripts Kambar, 21.00 - 02.00 £3.50 Lucie Aubrac The Triple-Point Revue Described by press as “weird”. from Persia to Paris Ebonics Arts Picturehouse, 13.30 ADC Theatre, 23.00 This may or may not be a good Fitzwilliam 10.00 - 17.00 Fez, 22.00-03.00, £2 - £4 Othello thing. S.U.A.D. presents Krafty Kuts Corpus Playroom, 19.00 Soul Tree, 21.00- 03.00, £6 - £7

wednesday Elizabeth: The Golden Age The Visit Status Quo Art in Context - Scratching Melamondo 13 Vue, 14.40, 17.20, 20.00 ADC Theatre, 19.45 Corn Exchange, 19.00, £31.50 the Surface: A Brief Fez, 22.00-03.00, free before Sicko The After-Dinner Joke Hekz Introduction to Cuneiform 22.00, £3 after 00.00 Arts Picturehouse, 12.15, ADC Theatre, 23.00 Barfl y @ The Graduate, 19.30, £5 Script Rumboogie 14.30, 19.00 Othello Hekz are a new NWOBHM Fitzwilliam Museum, 13.15 Ballare, 21.00-02.00, £4 - £5 Corpus Playroom, 19.00 band. If you know what NWOB- HM is, you’ll probably love this. thursday Beowulf The Visit Red Mock Chili Peppers Peter MacDonald in Freak Off 14 Vue, 15.10, 17.50, 20.40 ADC Theatre, 19.45 Junction, 19.00, £9 Conversation with Amit La Raza, 21.00-01.00, £3 Hiroshima Mon Amour The After-Dinner Joke Boy Kill Boy Chaudhuri about his Work Priory: Justin Roberson Arts Picturehouse, 17.00 ADC Theatre, 23.00 Barfl y @ The Graduate, 20.00, £8 CRASSH, 17.00 Fez, 21.00-03.00, £6 before 12, Othello Listed beneath RMCP for a £7 thereafter 15 Corpus Playroom, 19.00 reason. Oh no! Kim has another cheeky line The next morning Hey, do you have What have say any you-know- when Olga’s not looking... Episode 6 I Done?! CAM what? Street

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TeachingThe Advertising Event & Marketing Wednesday 14 November, 6.00 – 8.00 pm Communications Event 2007 University Centre (Second Floor), Granta Place, Mill Lane For undergraduates and postgraduates of any degree discipline – all years welcome Teaching is one of the most rewarding – and challenging – of careers. This event will help you decide if it’s for you. Find out what makes a good teacher, what the profession offers, and the different ways to train. Teachers, the Training and Development Agency for Schools (TDA), and members of Cambridge University Faculty of Education will be taking part. O Routes to becoming a qualifi ed teacher O Teachers talk about their experiences O Faculty of Education - The Cambridge PGCE O Question Time O Informal Discussion over Refreshments

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grafton centre • cambridge 52 Trumpington Street Cambridge CB2 1RG LIONS FOR LAMBS Friday 9 Nov – Thursday 15 Nov Daily 18.30 (Not Thur) FREE CHELSEA BUN (15) (1H50) (NFT) SAW IV (18) (1h55) (NFT) Daily 19.05 (Not With every purchase over £2.00 in the shop Wed) 21.20 Sat Late 23.40 OR Daily 13.00 (Sat/Sun RATATOUILLE (U) (2h15) Daily 10.50* (Sat Only) 15.30 18.00 20.30 Only) 11.20 (Sat/Sun Only) 13.50 14.20* FREE MORNING 16.30 17.10* 19.50*(Not Tues) COFFEE/TEA Sat Late 23.00 STARDUST (PG) (2h30) (NFT) Daily 11.00 (9am-12pm) GOOD LUCK CHUCK (Sat/Sun Only) 14.00 17.00 20.10 With any cake or pastry in the restaurant RENDITION (15) (2h25) (NFT) Daily 20.40 (15) (2h) (NFT) on presentation of this voucher We are the leading supplier to colleges, May Balls and student socs and (Not Thur) Sat Late 23.20 and proof of student status Daily 12.30 (Sat/Sun RUN FAT BOY RUN (12a) (2h) Daily 11.10 parties. Party wines from £2.99, over 200 single malts, Port, Madeira, (Sat/Sun Only) 13.40 (Sat/Sun Only) 16.10 Claret, Absinthe, cans of lager. If you can drink it, we sell it. Only) 15.00 (Not Tues) (Not Thur) Sat Late 23.15 17.30 20.20 Sat Late THE DARK IS RISING (12a) (2h) (NFT) Sat/ Free glass loan, free delivery, generous discounts, wholesale accounts Sun Only 12.50 available for all CU bodies, socs, clubs etc. 22.50 EASTERN PROMISES (18) (2h) (NFT) Sat How was your da y? Late 22.40* Double-or-Quits your student discount with our Trivial Pursuit ELIZABETH: THE GOLDEN AGE (15) challenge. No conferring, bickering or face-pulling. (2h15) (NFT) Daily 12.00 (Sat/Sun Only) SUBTITLED PERFORMANCE: Branches at King’s Parade, Magdalene Bridge and Mill Road. 14.40 17.20 20.00 Sat Late 23.10 RATATOUILLE (U) (2h15) 30 DAYS OF NIGHT (15) (2h15) (NFT) Daily Sun 10.50 Tues 19.50 Edinburgh too. 15.20 18.10 20.50 Sat Late 23.30 www.cambridgewine.com DEATH AT A FUNERAL (15) (1h50) (NFT) book now on 08712 240 240 or online at www.myvue.com MAKE A DIFFERENCE! Join a stimulating, home-based plan for bar room bar our 12-year old, mildy autistic daughter, Corn Exchange Street, Cambridge CB2 3QF based on the ‘son-rise’ programme. We would like to ask you to work for 2-4 hours a week (for six months). No experience needed; full training given. Want to advertise here? £6 an hour. Make the call: [email protected] Tel: 01223 248622 Make a difference! £5.50 any 12” pizza, wrap or salad and a drink Let’s do Let’s

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PEMBROKE PLAYERS JAPAN TOUR, SEPTEMBER 2008 WANTED – 2 TOUR MANAGERS to cover between them the following areas: CHOICE OF SHOW (November) FUNDRAISING (November onwards) BUDGET MANAGEMENT (November onwards) VENUE LIAISON AND TIMETABLING (November onwards) ACCOMMODATION (January onwards) TRANSPORT AND TRAVEL (April onwards) Be part of a fantastic, theatrical project and help foster links between British and Japanese schools and universities! If you are interested or have any questions please email [email protected] for further details by Tuesday 13th Nov.

Cambridge University Engineering Society’s Annual Careers and Placements Fair

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Largest society run careers fair Not only for engineers! Friday November 9 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/sport [email protected] SPORT 37

THE ANORAK Cambridge’s comprehensive fi xtures, tables and results service with Noel Cochrane

Results Women’s Football League 1: Rugby Hockey Rugby Girton 1-6 Jesus Men’s Blues Rugby League 4-62 14/11 Women’s Blues v Coventry, 10/11 Women’s Rugby Tester Day, Badminton Homerton 1-1 Pembroke Nottingham home, Wilberforce Road, 14:00 Trinity Old Fields, 1-3pm Men’s Blues 6-2 Bristol St Catharine’s 0-1 Newnham 14/11 Women’s II v Leicester I, 14/11 Men’s Rugby League Blues Women’s Blues 8-0 Cardiff Sidney Sussex 7-1 St Catharine’s College League 1: away. v Loughborough II, Trinity Old Magdalene 3-39 Jesus Fields, 14:00. Basketball Hockey. College League 1: 14/11 Women’s Rugby Union v Not- Men’s Blues 86-87 Warwick Women’s Blues 4-1 Birmingham III P W D L F A Pts 11/11 St Catharine’s v St Johns, tingham Trent, Fitzwilliam Sports Men’s II 36-51 Nottingham II Women’s Blues 0-5 Holcombe JESUS 5 4 0 1 175 17 17 1pm, Catz Astro. Ground, 14:00 Women’s Blues 61-58 Oxford Women’s II 9-1 East Anglia ST JOHN’S 4 4 0 0 71 13 16 11/11 Jesus v Cambridge City, 4pm, Brookes MAGDALENE 5 2 1 2 32 86 12 Leys School. College League 1: College League 1: GIRTON 5 1 0 4 111 109 8 14/11 Emmanuel v St John’s, 13/11 Jesus v St John’s, 2.15pm Football Corpus Chirsti 2-1 St Johns DOWNING 4 1 1 2 50 74 8 2:30pm, Catz Astro. 13/11 Magdalene v Downing, Men’s Blues 1-3 Coventry Emmanuel 0-3 Jesus HOMERTON 4 0 0 4 15 155 3 2.15pm St Catharine’s 1-3 Cambridge City Downing 37-17 Girton College League 2: 13/11 Girton v Homerton, 2.15pm College League 1: Jesus 3-3 St John’s Tennis 09/11 Downing v Jesus II, 1pm, Jesus 2-1 Trinity Emmanuel 0-8 Caius Men’s Blues 6-4 Loughborough II, Wilberforce Road. College League 2: Fitzwilliam 1-0 St Catharine’s Corpus Christi 2-12 Cambridge won 09/11 Queens’ v Robinson, 2:30pm, 15/11 Pembroke v Trinity, 2.15pm Caius 1-2 Christ’s Wilberforce Road. 15/11 Peterhouse v St Catharine’s, Christ’s 2-3 ARU P W D L GFGAGD Pts Fixtures 12/11 Clare v Jesus II, 2:30pm, Catz 2.15pm Churchill 1-4 St John’s CAMBRIDGE CITY 4 3 0 1 22 6 18 9 Astro. 15/11 Trinity Hall v Caius, 2.15pm Darwin 0-2 St Catharine’s JESUS 3 2 1 0 8 4 7 7 16/11 Churchill v Robinson, 1pm, CORPUS CHRISTI 3 2 0 1 8 16 -8 6 P W D L GFGA GD Pts Badminton Wilberforce Road Table Tennis ST JOHN’S 3 1 1 1 6 6 0 4 16/11 Clare v Queens’, 2:30pm, 14/11 Men’s Blues v Middlesex, JESUS 3 2 1 0 4 2 2 7 CAIUS 3 1 0 2 12 6 6 3 ST CATHARINE’S 3 2 0 1 10 2 8 6 ST CATHARINE’S 3 1 0 2 4 6 -2 3 14/11 Men’s Blues v Bath, away, Wilberforce Road. away. CHRIST’S 3 2 0 1 8 4 4 6 EMMANUEL 3 0 0 3 1 17 -16 0 Sports training Village. 14/11 Women’s Blues v Birmingham, ARU 2 2 0 0 6 3 3 6 14/11 Women’s Blues v Bath, away, Lacrosse away, Munrow New Gym, 16:30 TRINITY 3 2 0 1 5 2 3 6 Sports training Village. FITZWILLIAM 3 1 1 1 2 3 -1 4 City 14/11 Women’s Blues v Bath, home, Tennis ST JOHN’S 2 1 0 1 4 5 -1 3 College League 2: Basketball Queen’s College Sports Ground, 14/11 Men’s Blues v Nottingham, DARWIN 2 0 0 2 0 3 -3 0 Churchill 1-1 Queens 14/11 Men’s Blues v East Anglia I, 13:00 away. CAIUS 3 0 0 3 2 7 -5 0 Churchill 6-0 Sidney Sussex home, Kelsey Kerridge, 12:00. 14/11 Women’s II v Oxford Brookes 14/11 Women’s Blues v Bath, away, CHURCHILL 2 0 0 2 2 12 -10 0 Clare 3-0 Downing 14/11 Women’s Blues v Loughbor- I, home, Queens College Sports Sports Training Village, 12:30 ough II, away, Sir David Wallace Ground, 14:30 College League 2: Lacrosse Sports Hall,16:00 Volleyball. Downing 2-1 Girton Women’s Blues 10-2 Exeter Netball 14/11 Men’s Blues v Oxford Kings 5-2 Sidney Women’s II 3-12 Warwick I Football. 14/11 Women’s Blues v Nottingham Brookes. Selwyn 1-1 Long Road 14/11 Men’s Blues v Wolverhamp- II, home, Cherry Hinton Village 14/11 Women’s Blues v Nottingham, Trinity Hall 4-0 Pembroke Netball ton, away Centre, 16:00 away, Jubilee Sports Centre, 13:00. Churchill II 1-0 Homerton Women’s Blues 35-33 Birmingham 14/11 Men’s II v Nottingham IV, 14/11 Women’s II v Coventry, II away, Highfi elds, 14:00 away. Women’s II 17-72 Loughborough 14/11 Women’s I v Harper Adams, III away. Games & puzzles Varsity crossword no. 474 Kakuro Fill the grid so that each run of squares adds up to the total in 1 2 3 4 5 6 the box above or to the left. Use only numbers 1-9, and never 22 & 9 Pervert attack? Had use a number more than once per run (a number may reoccur enough of that. (4,2,2) in the same row in a separate run). 7 8 25 Urinate on clever person or © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore bird. (6) COMPETITION 9 26 Begin to squirt white liquid Win a bottle of wine from our friends at Cambridge Wine 10 10 18 12 4 Merchants. on queen – she makes so much 6 16 Re-arrange the letters by rotating the discs to create six 10 11 noise! (8) separate six-letter words leading in to the centre. Email your 27 Initially shy prostitute answer to [email protected] 7 8 makes debut. (5) 28 Removing impurities by dif- Clothes 13 ferentiating sin angle C. (9) 11 12 13 9 B GARETH MOORE Down G 15 U 14 L 3 7 10 1 That special something – love O I 13 9 H 15 16 17 18 at a standstill? (5) E 2 The Hun, inside, sat ‘til after- T F 7 4

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per row or column. Shaded squares may not be horizontally or S string. (8) B vertically adjacent. Unshaded squares must form a single area. 25 26 6 EU splurge changed to make © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore things stick? (9) 9 see 22 EDELSHAIN MADE BY ADAM 1 3 2 7 5 1 2 14 Passport, perhaps, in dia- 27 28 lects leads to mistakes. (9) 3 5 4 7 4 4 6 16 Hot boy came fi rst – not very Sudoku enthusiastic. (8) The object is to insert the numbers in the boxes to satisfy only one condition: each row, column and 3x3 box must contain the 5 7 4 1 6 2 3 18 True spam fl oated along the digits 1 through 9 exactly once. Cam, for example. (8) © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore 19 Missionary position, stick in 1 4 3 6 2 5 3 Across excrement. (6) beer. (7) 4 7 5 6 1 2 GARETH MOORE 12 Spinach: a long story. (4) 21 Nibbles nipples, topless. (4) 3 6 5 2 6 6 4 3 1 7 Strangely lost again, in the 13 Sleep to hear rugby evenly 23 Vulgar care of bum. (6) past perhaps? (9) due to lack of energy. (8) 24 Trousers are inherited, we 7 7 1 7 2 7 6 7 8 Signal for quiet, reveal some- 15 Finally, crass unfeeling edi- hea one as gay, ejaculate. (5) tor is told off. (7) 2 3 7 9

10 Crazy Tim is top – he’s 17 Funny bone? (7) 2 6 5 6 1 3 4 / MADE BY www.puzzlemix.com happy! (8) 20 I’m in a truck – it improves 4 2 8 7 11 Drug inside points towards my mood. (4-2-2) Set by Leah Holroyd 6 4 9 5 GARETH MOORE Last week’s solutions © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore 7 2 5 9 8 6 1 3 4 14 16 7 6 4 2 5 1 5

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NOSTALGIA, 8 SHOUT, 10 OPTIMIST, 11 FAECES, 12 SAGA, 13 LETHARGY, 15 SCOLDED, 17 HUMERUS, 20 PICKMEUP, 22 SICK, 25 PEEWIT, 26 26 PEEWIT, 25 SICK, 22 PICKMEUP, 20 HUMERUS, 17 SCOLDED, 15 LETHARGY, 13 SAGA, 12 FAECES, 11 OPTIMIST, 10 SHOUT, 8 NOSTALGIA, ACROSS: 7 7 ACROSS: 6 17 6 3 2 5 3 7 2 1 3 5 3 14 8 3 8 7 6 4 1 5 2 9 4 8 2 1 7 4 1 4 6 3 2 5 5 6 2 7 9 3 8 4 1 11 2 7 6 7 3 4 3 4 9 1 5 2 8 3 6 7 8 3 9 5 6 7 / MADE BY www.puzzlemix.com 2 9 Sport editor: Simon Allen & George Towers Friday November 9 2007 38 SPORT [email protected] varsity.co.uk/sport

Gamblers Women’s tennis outgunned Unanimous »London Met whitewashed the Blues in a one-sided match CAMBRIDGE Ed Peace & 0 Niall Rafferty LONDON MET

It was too painful to watch. As Ef- 10 fi cient loomed up alongside the henry stannard race leader and our selection, Pur- Sports Editor ple Moon, in the fi nal stages of the Melbourne Cup, we knew we’d had Given that the women’s Blues ten- it. Still, a respectable second and nis team suffered a 10-0 reverse a draw between Blackburn and away at Exeter last week, that Liverpool on Saturday (never has injuries and scheduling diffi culties a nil-nil thriller been so satisfying had left captain Victoria Mackay to watch), meant we fi nished the scrambling to promote her seventh weekend with a healthy profi t. choice player, scarcely fi t as she Sunderland, after failing to end was, to the fourth playing slot of Man City’s 100% home record on this young team, and that this sup- Monday night, despite a solid per- posedly home match was played formance, entertain arch rivals indoors out of town in the soulless Newcastle in Saturday’s televised environs of the New Generation derby. It’s about time Sunderland Sports Club, this game against won this derby fi xture. Newcastle London Metropolitan University have won the last fi ve derbies, and was never going to be easy. have lost just once in nine meetings Add to that the fact that London home and away since 2000. Met, consistent BUSA winners in Sunderland, whilst not likely to the men’s and women’s divisions, is score as freely as Portsmouth did notorious for importing tennis tal- against the Magpies last weekend, ent from across the globe on sports can rely on in-form striker Kenwyne scholarships that equate to a living Jones, a £6 million summer signing, wage plus degree for players who to cause havoc against a Newcastle have failed to make the grade on defence that has conceded fi fteen in Barclays BUSA Tennis - Premier Women's their last six outings. We’ll back the South 2007/08 Mackems for a rare derby win with a ‘draw no bet’ get out clause as this P W D L F A Pt week’s banker. LONDON MET 2 2 0 0 18 2 6 EXETER 1 1 0 0 10 0 3 In keeping with the derby theme, BATH 1 1 0 1 2 8 0 Despite the scoreline Cambridge put in a decent performance against a far superior side MICHAEL DERRINGER Aston Villa manager Martin O’Neill CAMBRIDGE 2 0 0 1 0 20 0 will be desperate to make a win- proving a constant source of inspi- account of themselves despite simi- one more shot than me”. Further ning start in his fi rst Birmingham the professional tour, and the task ration for the Cambridge duo. larly experienced opponents. down the seedings, no individual derby. However, he may have to facing the Cambridge girls was Indeed, they were very much a But it was in the singles competi- played particularly badly as Cam- settle for a share of the spoils at St nigh on impossible. match for London, with their guile tion that the true gulf between the bridge were simply outclassed by Andrews. Villa have been praised Despite what the scoreline may and technique matching the muscle two sides was exposed. The petite a disciplined and powerful slate for the vibrancy of their football suggest, the Blues played well. of their hard-hitting opponents. But Watson fought bravely against of London players, with Marsali this season but they are still strug- Top-ranked pair Victoria Watson they were undone by a combina- London’s she-giant of a fi rst seed Grant the only other player to gling to achieve a winning formula and Mackay, pitted against two ex- tion of laser-like precision and raw and, although she was never com- win a game, fi ghting fi re with fi re on the road. O’Neill will have hoped tour players, were extremely com- power, which meant that they were pletely outclassed, the fi nal score by stringing together four huge that his team’s excellent away form petitive despite their 8-4 defeat. punished heavily for any mistakes was 6-1 6-0. Formerly ranked in serves. at the start of last season was a They even managed to break a made. The scoreline was mirrored the top fi ve British juniors, she As is now so often the case in sign of things to come but, twelve particularly strong opponent with in the other doubles match, which labelled her opponent “the best women’s tennis therefore, the weeks into the current campaign, a powerful serve, with Watson’s saw fi rst-time pairing Marsali I’ve ever played”, saying “no mat- brawn of London Met muscled Villa are still looking for their fi rst mobility and doggedness at the net Grant and Claire Bush give a good ter what happened she always had aside the brains of Cambridge. away win. Winnable fi xtures at Tottenham, Newcastle and Bolton have only yielded a point each and a similar outcome could be on the Staffordshire snuff out Blues Lent. As this year’s golf captain, cards against a Birmingham outfi t Captain’s however, I have decided to con- who have won three of their last centrate on my responsibilities four home games. Corner with the CUGC. Having said that On the track, Pippa Greene looks I have still had time to play in capable of landing the spoils in the Golf some rugby matches for the Blues November Handicap on Saturday. and hope to be involved in some The race is dangerously open, with Tom Woolsey way at Twickenham. any one of about twenty horses in with a chance. But with champion Commitment jockey Jamie Spencer on board and We play fi xtures every weekend, a string of recent wins to his name, usually both days and play 36 holes pre-race favourite Pippa Greene on each day. We also try to prac- should have what it takes to see off tice twice during the week,either any challengers. Our only concern at the Cowley Road driving range, is with the poor performance of fa- our home club - Royal Worlington, vourites in this race, since outsiders or at the Cambridge Lakes nine have won the event for the past fi ve hole course. years. Just in case this trend lingers Tom is doing an MPhil in Real for another season, we’ll be looking Estate Finance. He also plays for Season so far to back Pippa Greene each way. the Rugby Bues. We have had a slow start to the sea- son but we are really starting to go THE BANKER Evens Experience well of recent. The guys have been SUNDERLAND TO BEAT I have played golf since the age of putting in a lot of work on their NEWCASTLE (DRAW NO BET) £3 about 10 and rugby since mini’s. swing mechanics and this takes a 12/5 Last year I represented Cam- great deal of time to bed down so PREDICTION bridge golf Blues and also played things should continue to improve. BIRMINGHAM CITY & Cambridge Blues struggled against a very strong Staffordshire side JOE GOSDEN hooker for the rugby Blues. ASTON VILLA TO DRAW £3 Inside track on Oxford THE LONG SHOT 5/1 The Men’s Bues played host to a particularly strong Staffordshire How do you fi nd juggling university Oxford should shape up well with PIPPA GREENE TO WIN Staffordshire on Wednesday at side ensured that they were unable golf and rugby? seven returning blues and I un- NOVEMBER HANDICAP £2e.w. Fenners. Coming off the back of to get much of the ball, and as a re- Last year I was able to simply derstand a few good freshmen, so a narrow defeat against Warwick sult lost 3-1. play rugby in the Michaelmas I am sure we will face a stern test RUNNING TOTAL £30.12 last week, the team were looking For the full report go to www.varsity. term and then turn to golf in the come Royal Liverpool in March. to raise their game. Unfortunately, co.uk/sport Friday November 9 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/sport [email protected] SPORT 39

News from the Twickenham calling River » Wheeler smash and grab try in overtime steals victory for Blues through and the crowd got behind the home side. A chip through from Murray followed by some in-your- face defence from Reid meant that Part of the appeal of the Boat James Lumby was put in a position Race is attributable to its binary to smash through the London Irish outcome; one either wins or loses. defence, taking three men with him This past weekend’s race, how- as he crossed the line to score. Lum- ever, offers no such convenience. by, who has been out through injury, There are well over fi ve hundred returned to the Blues side with a big boats competing, composed of impact on the game, and he was the both male and female entries, one who led the charge that eventu- representing rowing backgrounds ally brought Cambridge their much measured in both weeks and dec- needed win. ades. It is a rarity in sport, an Following a period of tense play event in which a true novice can where neither side made much compete against a World and Ol- ground, the exiles once again ex- ympic Champion. tended their lead with a successful All things considered, I would penalty kick. With the score at 11- argue that Cambridge had a suc- 17 and just minutes to go it seemed cessful weekend on the Thames. that the Blues’ solid performance The highlight of the event would was going to go unrewarded. be the club’s top boats in both the Through grit and steely determi- coxed and coxless fours events. nation the Blues got themselves to Now, for those unfamiliar with within striking distance of the Irish the term, a coxed boat has an line. Time after time they attempted extra person to steer down the to smash into a green defensive line, course, while in a coxless boat gaining just inches, and with the one of the rowers faces the dual clock already past 80 it seemed that challenge of rowing and steering. all was lost, until Joey Wheeler, in a That’s the best I can do at ex- moment of brilliance, burst through plaining the difference without to score the most crucial try of this the benefi t of having a picture to The Blues took the match in the last kick of the game earning a thoroughly deserved victory SOPHIE PICKFORD season. With the score at 16-17 it point to. was time for Murray to step up and Anyway, CUBC I, the club’s BLUES Cambridge were rewarded with The second half started with a dis- take a pressure kick at goal, which fi rst boat, placed second in the TRIES: LUMBEY, WHEELER two Hamish Murray penalties and a aster for the Blues: two minutes in he slotted, securing the win right at Elite 4- (the “-” represents cox- MURRAY 2 PENS & 1 CONVERSION 18 slim lead of 6-0. Rich Bartholomew, and London Irish won an attacking the fi nal whistle. less) category, coming in close be- LONDON IRISH true to the form he has displayed all line out just off the Cambridge try The victory on Monday, even if it hind a strong Leander crew com- season, was devastating in the loose, line. Following a simple catch the was just by a single point, was vital posed of British National Team 17 frequently breaking the Irish line Irish forwards trundled over for a in the run up to Varsity, which is members, and passing Oxford’s and putting them on the back foot. textbook forwards try. The conver- now less than a month away. Finally entry in the process. CUBC II george towers The Blues’ dream performance sion extended their lead to 6-14 and the Blues can start building some did similarly well in the Elite 4+ Chief Sports Editor was upset in the most violent fashion winning momentum and confi dence (here, the “+” denotes a coxed Thus far it is fair to say that the Blues when a dubious tackle from London ahead of the big game at Twicken- boat) category, battling Oxford’s haven’t had the dazzling season that Irish forced Sandy Reid to spill the ham. Oxford have had a good season top boat down the whole course they would have hoped for. You ball and Nick Canty ran in a contro- The Blues can start so far having won 7 of 9 matches. and ending up just seconds be- wouldn’t have thought that their fi rst versial try for the visitors, which went building some Of their most recent three games, hind them. Cambridge’s third home win would be just three games on to be converted. The dispute arose however, they have lost two. Some and fi fth boats were edged out before the big one at Twickenham. over the tackle, which the majority of winning momentum have written off the Blues this year, by their Oxford counterparts, But the Blues produced a convinc- the crowd and the Cambridge play- but Monday’s performance showed while the fourth boat unfortu- ing performance on Monday night ers clearly saw to have been illegally a side only just beginning to reach nately struck a buoy and had to and fi nally showed their pedigree put in early. Regardless of the legal- the task ahead of the Blues seemed their peak. stop racing despite an extremely as the backs and forwards gelled to- ity, it was without doubt the biggest insurmountable. The forwards shut out their Lon- impressive fi rst half. gether in a hard fought match against bang this fi reworks night. So far this season, the Blues have don counterparts while the Backs At this point I imagine that a competitive London Irish side. The try rattled Cambridge, while tended, once their heads go down, to were strong in defence and probing most people unfamiliar with the The fi rst quarter saw the Blues London Irish were buoyed by their lose heart and leak points. What was in attack. Next week’s match against Fours head – or rowing in general stamp their mark on the match in score, and the rest of the half saw so reassuring about Monday night Crawshay’s Welsh XV will be just as – fi nd themselves a bit confused. no uncertain terms. The forwards the exiles confi dently attacking the was that they came out fi ring and important in continuing this run of And they are not to blame. Fall played the Londoners out of the Blues line. But the Cambridge de- took the game right back to the op- form and building the momentum racing, with its massive starting game up front and provided the fence stood fi rm and the game went position. For the fi rst time the fi ght needed to knock Oxford over in a lists and time trial format, rarely backs with clean ball and territory. into half time 6-7. that wins Varsity Matches came few weeks time. allows for a clear and decisive outcome. The crews race one by one down the course, competing Sports Analysis against a clock rather than a vis- ible opponent. And the Tideway, with its fl uctuating tides and fi ckle currents, can crush a boat’s speed BUSA reforms: a threat to Cambridge sport? if its steersman is not wary of the Sarah Warren versities with considerable academic portant thing to realise is that this dif- facing them from other universities proper path. Almost every year, standing, like Cambridge, who suc- ference in administration has meant and this is no more true than in light an elite crew will come off the wa- The history of British University cessfully turn a blind eye to Wednes- that Cambridge is now allegedly the of the current situation. The BUSA ter thinking they had a poor row, sport is not a straight forward one. days as being a recognised champion- only university competing in BUSA and UCS merger will bring about a only to fi nd out that they won the The British Universities Sports As- ship competition day. Cambridge and without central administration. renewed excitement, new funding event convincingly. sociation provides an inter-univer- Oxford’s sport administration means Weekly match confi rmation emails and a new committee and potentially So while the objective result sity championship programme in that this is an unavoidable situation. have to be directed, at great incon- a change in regulations meaning that is important, the experience of 49 sports with 151 universities and Where most universities oper- venience to other university sporting BUSA could dictate that all compet- racing the Championship Course institutes of higher education taking ate a system of club affi liation to the clubs, individually to captains rather ing universities must have an admin – regardless of outcome – is argu- part. Now, within the next year, the athletic or sports union, Cambridge than through one administrative of- offi cer; this has considerable implica- ably just as valuable. It is an im- system change, following the merger clubs and societies are not technically fi cer as is the case where clubs are tions for change at Cambridge. pressive feat for any club to send of BUSA and the University and Col- incorporated into the University. Al- affi liated to the union. The structure The appointment of an administra- twenty athletes down the course, lege Sport organisation (UCS). though the sport syndicate is charged of sports clubs at Cambridge means tion offi cer would mean the sports even more impressive when each The problem inherent to the cur- with recognising clubs that serve the that the predominant unit is the club syndicate have to fund another po- of those athletes has the goal rent situation is the growing dispar- student body, it is their general be- itself, not only benefi tting its BUSA sition which in reality would better and ability to win their event. ity in individual universities’ objec- lief that clubs should be able to stand competing members but all of the serve other universities than our- The team did an exceptional job tives for sport. At one end of the on their own two feet, maintain in- hundreds of students who play in the selves. The value of the position for dealing with illness – and, subse- scale there are universities like Bath dependence and better serve their club organised college leagues. individual clubs is questionable and quently, scrambled lineups – and and Leeds Metropolitan, who are in- members through anonymity. Most sportsmen and women who especially so if considered that wages will take this confi dence into the creasingly promoting and marketing People have been debating the play in one of Cambridge’s 28 com- for the position may be deducted from months ahead. themselves as sporting institutions. merits of this system for many years peting BUSA teams will have be- the budget of the development of our Spencer Griffi n Hunsberger Then at the other end exists the uni- with little change. However, the im- come aware of the predisposition much needed Sports Centre. Friday November 9 2007 varsity.co.uk/sport

Rugbyp39 Glory for the Blues in SPORT tight contest Cambridge fail to make par Third time lucky CAMBRIDGE 4 » Trinity crash twice but still beat John’s to dominate Uni IV’s DENHAM GOLF CLUB 6

paddy croft Sports Reporter

The Golfi ng Blues First team suf- fered a narrow defeat at Denham Golf Club on Sunday, losing to the club’s side 6-4. On a fi ne day, the CUGC’s top point scorer, Ruaraidh Stewart, continued his strong play, and with foursomes partner James Whittington, recorded Cambridge’s fi rst point of the day with a decisive 4&3 win. The Blues only other point of the morning took a full 18 holes to secure, and was won with a clutch 8-foot putt made on the fi nal green by James Binning, who was able to take advantage of partner Benoit Ramsay’s on-target approach shot. With the score 3-2 in Denham’s favour at lunch, the afternoon saw more high quality golf from Stew- art who, paired with CUGC Captain Thomas Woolsey, won his second match of the day 2&1. Although Whittington maintained an excel- lent standard of play throughout the day, and demonstrated some espe- cially fi ne touch around the greens All competed well in an event that provides some variation to the rowing calendar and marks the beginning of the competitive rowing season JET PHOTOGRAPHIC during his afternoon match, he and partner David Duncan succumbed questions of the rowers, and cer- comfortable victory. Club captain course as the boat race, but in the to a strong opposition whose round FIRST & THIRD tainly leaves them with nowhere to Ming-Chee Chung was delighted opposite direction. The fi rst four of one under par was enough to de- 1st hide, something co-organiser Laura with the haul, which he felt was of Tim Perkins, Colin Scott, Tho- feat the Cambridge pair 3&2. Sutcliffe sees as positive for the de- “deserving of the efforts put in over mas Llewelyn Edwards and Shane Ramsay was unable to repeat his LMBC velopment of Cambridge rowing. the last few weeks.” Omara, achieved second place in eighteenth hole success of the mor- As would be expected, the week The women’s fi nal looked hard to the Elite Coxless Fours, while the ning, losing with partner Chris Rob- 2nd got off to an inconspicuous start last call, neither Emmanuel nor Christ’s second four came fi fth in the Elite inson one down in the afternoon, but DOWNING Monday as races were won and lost having really been tested up to that coxed event. The Women’s second Richard Silveira and Jack Hickmore in front of empty river banks. The point. Early on, Christ’s fell behind boat fi nished third in the Women’s closed out a tough match with a par 3rd big names in all the categories ne- but were able to quickly move up Senior II event, while the third on the diffi cult eighteenth hole to win gotiated the early rounds without and take the lead, eventually win- and fourth boats fi nished third one up, securing Cambridge’s fourth ED WILLIS too much diffi culty though, setting ning comfortably by a couple of and fourth in the women’s Senior and fi nal point of the day. Sports Reporter up an intriguing fi nish for Thursday lengths. It was a fi rst ever victory 3, academic category. Some of our On the same day the Stymies, the and Friday. for the college in this competition, colleges also acquitted themselves University second team, were play- After the excitement of Queens’ The fi nal two days did not disap- leaving cox Chrissie Podesta and well, First and Third continuing ing in Suffolk at Woodbridge Golf Ergs, the fi rst major on-river point, as unprecedented numbers the whole crew ‘on a massive high their success by achieving ninth Club. Against a club that historically event of the College rowing Cal- of people came down to the river to from it all.’ The Second Women’s and fi fteenth places in the Senior 3 puts up a very strong side, the Sty- endar took place last week. The support. In the men’s competition, competition was won by Jesus II, academic category, while Jesus and mies played some excellent golf to pre-cursor to Fairburns later this First and Third (Trinity College again at the expense of Emma. Clare II managed thirty-second only be trailing 3-2 after the morning term, the University Fours got un- Boat Club) managed to exceed even They took distance off the start and and thirty-third place respectively. foursomes. Particularly encouraging derway amidst considerable inter- their high expectations by winning continued to open the gap through- Things are now set up nicely for was the performance put in by two of est in rowing circles. the coxless fours as well as the fi rst out the race, eventually winning by Fairburns, where First and Third the new golfers to the CUGC – Will Crews of four, from most of the and second coxed fours events. a margin of 28 seconds. will look to continue their domi- Woolsey and Iain McNamara – who colleges took part in the event, de- The fi nal of the coxless fours pro- In London meanwhile, there nance. They will not have it all their comfortably beat their opponents signed to provide some variation to vided a thrilling spectacle as First was some success this weekend own way though, with Downing 3&2. Unfortunately, Woodbridge’s the traditional eight man races in and Third crashed twice, and still for university and college boats looking to avenge their University class was evident in the afternoon Cambridge. The four man format managed to overcome LMBC (St at the Fullers Head of the River IV’s defeat, and Caius shaping up to as they won eight of the ten singles asks different technical and mental John’s), eventually storming to a Fours event, rowed on the same be as strong as ever. matches ending the match 11-4 up.

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