September 2010

NOT READY FOR THIS COMMITMENT SINCE 1997 SEPTEMBER 2010

* Does OU also Blow? A Myth Uncovered * Cooler Coolers! * Degradation, Misogyny, Subtle Racism & Other Things to Look Forward to this OU Weekend

Interview with Edgar Wright, Michael Cera, and Jason Schwartzman THE MANAGING EDITOR DEEP DISHISSUE TEXAS TRAVESTY THIS MONTH IN... EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Alyssa Peters MANAGING Dan Treadway EDITOR ASSOCIATE Jermaine Affonso RATIONALIZATIONS EDITORS David McQuary DESIGN DIRECTOR Jessica Grantham September was a fantastic • George Glass maintains that he Rationalization month for rationalizations as bought fried REGULAR Oreos, of the month: MEDIA EDITOR Aaron Walther students all over campus talked not double-stuffed. Junior Mark Bentley hijacked the PHOTOGRAPHER Lawrence Peart themselves into accepting bad de- West Campus bus to get to his WRITING STAFF Malcolm Wardlaw cisions and flawed logic to make • Shannon Westland decided she Economics test on time. Despite Marshall Dungan their lives just a little bit easier. didn’t need to go to her geology C. J. Cervantes not knowing how to properly class because she was busy get- Hannah Oley • Tom Franklin knew framing his ting stoned. drive a bus, Bentley did make it DESIGN STAFF Aaron Rodriguez roommate for cocaine possession to the test in time to get an A and Annie Samuelson was a pretty horrible thing to do, • Stacy Roland justified throw- only seven people were critically Suzanne Lewis but a very reasonable way to get ing away the pink lid from her injured! Josue Ramirez the room to himself tonight. Now yogurt container, because they Lin Zagorski he can push the beds together! must be pretty close to solving this PUBLICITY Sam Baskin whole cancer thing anyway. • Tom Jennings reminded his ADMINISTRATIVE Lara Grant girlfriend, “Babe, I keep my cell ASSISTANTS Katherine Swope • Grace Kim rationalized being phone in my front pocket, we Margaret Newman Korean. Although she hates it, don’t need a condom.” Andrew Egan she recognizes the fact that she Katherine Bridgeman was born this way, so it’s probably Brett Fowler okay. Samantha Pitchel Travis Rankin Joe Faina

CONTACT try class when he finds out that it’s not organic. • Boot-wearing students with long hair and odd hats PHONE 512-471-7898 • Musical ringtones never end well for anyone will be asked “Are you the King of Leon?” EMAIL [email protected] involved. • Please suppress the urge to yell “Red Rover!” and WEB www.texastravesty.com • “Everybody’s Working for the Weekend” is a fairly clothesline somebody when crossing Guadalupe. MAIL Texas Travesty • UT Austin around P.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 savvy prognosis of how our economy functions • “Yes, what did you think about Plato’s Republic?” CONTACT today. “Oh, I was just stretching my arm.” EDITORSPHONE 512-471-7898 EMERITUS campus • If you’re gay, John McCain doesn’t know and • Are you really sure this isn’t just a dream within a KevinEMAIL [email protected] Kristin Hillery 1997 2005-2006 doesn’t care. Just stop asking him. Okay?! dream within a dream within a dream? Really? WEB www.texastravesty.com • Exhausted professors will say, “Put your hand • Let’s just stay at home and watch the game to- Brad Butler David Strauss • Gregory, Schmegory. 1997-2000MAIL Texas Travesty • UT2006-2007 Austin down. That is astupid question.” gether, babe. P.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 • Hey bro I’m kinda full. Wanna share this beer? Ben Stroud Veronica Hansen • 90 percent of attempts to open the middle door at • Well, at least we’re a better school than UCLA ... oh 2000-2001 2007-2008 • Jimmy John’s? More like “fast sandwiches.” EDITORS EMERITUS • A Quad filled with grass? What is this,A&M? the Union will result in looking like the scrawny, • Astrophysics major James Cheung vows to remain Trevor Rosen Ross Luippold 2001-2003Kevin Butler Trevor2008-200 Rosen9 useless man you are. celibate until his negative ionic charge and Jackie 1997 2001-2003 • You haven’t heard independent music until you Todd Ross Matt Ingbretson listen to some Ben Harper. • The scaffolding around the Texas Capitol building Samson’s positive neutrino charge can conglomer- BradNienkerk Butler Todd Nienkerk2009-2010 is actually the set of a Jackie Chan fight sequence. ate into one big, massive bang. 1997-20002003-2005 2003-2005 • All things considered, the crazy straw doesn’t do Ben Stroud Kristin Hillery much for this scotch. • Hey assholes, we didn’t forget about Swedish Fish, • I chose my major because he’s kind and doesn’t 2000-2001LEGALESE 2005-2006 • Traffic on the West Mall running smoothly. Expect we just consciously decided to stop eating them. make us do extra PT. The Texas Travesty is the student humor pub- LEGALESElication at the University of Texas at Austin, delays in first floor Union bathroom. Get off our billboards! • Note to self: Do not google image search ‘jug- published monthly by the permanent and contributingThe Texas Travesty staff. The is the Travesty student is humor a work pub of- • Being diabetic is like having a party in your mouth • Either that guy is wearing the same t-shirt every galette’ in class. lication(hopefully) at the humorous University fiction. of Texas Except at Austin, where day, or he REALLY “means business.” • Johnny! Quick! Pass me your flame-imparting publishedpublic figures monthly are involved, by the characters permanent are andnot with a very exclusive guest list. contributingbased on any staff.real person. The Travesty Any resemblence is a work to of • Clown professors will squirt students with water apparatus! I have 100 millimeters of nicotine and (hopefully)any persons humorousliving or dead fiction. is coincidental. Except where The • A hipster biology major will Q-Drop his Chemis- publicviews expressed figures are in involved, the Travesty characters do not are reflect not who haven’t read the sillybus. cyanide that I must destroy post haste! basedthe views on any of real Texas person. Student Any Publications, resemblence the to anyUniversity persons of living Texas or at dead Austin is coincidental. or pretty much The viewsanyone. expressed All material in theprinted Travesty is property do not reflectof the theTravesty. views The of TexasTexas Travesty Student is Publications,not intended thefor Universityreaders under of Texas18 years at Austinof age, regardless or pretty muchof the prettyanyone. pictures. All material printed is property of the In This Issue... Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for readers under 18 years of age, regardless of theSHOUT pretty pictures. OUTZ TO... How do you spell roofie?; Telephone; My baby eats porkSHOUT rinds and OUTZbacon; Apple TO... bottom jeans, BIG boots with the fur; Why is everything closed?!; Mangia sounds dirty; Hannah lays down some truth; Chicago pizza v. all other pizza; 12 Hungry Men is fantastic!; Where is everyone? :(; Katherine made Pad Thai!; The couple that was reunited during our cover shoot; Bulletproof; The guy on the Caprisun is BarackObamasistable; City Son, giving you my porn Gulf Coast aquatic life William Powers delivers High’s got the best antebellum voodoo magic; Corgie flop; Shawty got low; We have to do this for 4 minutes; collection was my way embracing greaser look speech about woes, Look Alyssa, I’m a cripple!; Big Tex looks like he killed a of saying “I can’t get an man in prison; Jimmy Johns; Anything but Jimmy Johns; budget turning hot dogs into poop logs; We’ll do it live!; New erection anymore.” iMac!!; Special Thanks to Doug Luippold for helping us copy edit!

Can someone get these in- Freshman is nervous for 200 more die as Beiber voices out of my head? presentation day; senior Fever continues to spread is high © 2007 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 25,000 © 2010 Texas Travesty. All rights reserved. Circulation: 25,000 NOT READY FOR THIS COMMITMENT SINCE 1997 NEWS • 3 UT to provide some thing for everyone ‘What the hell is this thing?’ entire student body asks Dan Treadway UT community, which in recent ty Council displayed their things MANAGING EDITOR months has been dismayed by the at the council’s weekly meeting recent budget cuts that have tak- while discussing their various AUSTIN—In response to the en place at the University. uses. “I respectfully wrote a let- recent budget cuts at the Univer- The source of the things dis- ter to the Office of the President sity of Texas, President William tributed are not known precisely, requesting enough funds to main- Powers Jr. announced the imple- although residents in West Aus- tain the Vietnamese language mentation of the “Some Thing tin witnessed Powers rummaging program at UT,” said a puzzled for Everyone” program. through his garage all Saturday Joel Brereton, Department Chair “Hey, I’m a nice guy,” Powers afternoon and throwing assorted of the Asian Studies program. “I said while tanning on the balcony items into the back of a U-Haul received a package in response of his office on the fourth floor truck. containing four quarters, a nickel of the Main Building. “In these and a half-eaten package of Big trying financial times, I wanted “In these trying League Chew.” to show students and staff that While the “Some Thing for there is a thing of some sort for financial times, I Everyone” program hasn’t gar- everyone at UT.” wanted to show nered the unanimous praise its The program, which was de- students and staff that creator hoped it would, it has had signed to win over the UT com- some success. munity, has met with a mixed re- there is a thing of some “This thing is pretty awesome,” sponse from students and faculty sort for everyone at said Jeff Stephens, a mathematics members. UT.” junior. “It still lights up whenever “I’m not sure what this thing I sling it, and I’ve been practic- is exactly,” said philosophy junior “I’m facing a crippling debt of ing tricks all day. Move out of the Sharol Tanne as she examined more than $45,000, and with the way, I’m going to show you how I ■ the thing given to her earlier that recently announced 3.95 percent do ‘Around the World.’” This young lady recieved a small wheeled thing from President Pow- Photo Texas Travesty morning. “It looks like it might tuition increase, I can’t afford to On the heels of the program’s ers through priority mail. be a bumper from a Honda Ac- pay my rent this month,” said announcement, Powers was in- cream social has been sched- Sciences due to budgetary con- cord.” Dave Maclean, a sociology soph- formed that Gov. Rick Perry has uled in Main Mall. Because it’s straints, the President has per- President William Powers de- omore, “But at least I have this requested that he slash the UT likely that UT will be forced to sonally guaranteed extra toppings signed the program to win over scratched Kenny Loggins CD.” budget by another ten percent. eliminate the College of Natural for everyone in attendance. The members of the UT Facul- In response, an emergency ice

ally, to her apartment. “Listen, Bree, this is, like, close spending a long afternoon with friends and family at Zilker Anthropology professor enough,” Brinkley exclaimed. “Honestly, it’s okay. I can Park for his niece’s fifth birthday party, Young abruptly left walk the half a block to my complex.” Shortly after she without speaking to anyone. “He kept asking everyone if we can’t hide illiteracy was dropped off, Brinkley was mugged while walking to had noticed anything different about him,” said Donna Smith, her apartment. his puzzled sister, as she sliced her daughter’s cake. Young re- fuses to return the $200 name-brand frames, insisting that he much longer Report: You Might As would not “admit defeat once again” to the attractive brunette CAMPUS—Anthropology Professor Richard Greene beat the sales desk. gan to suspect that his students were catching on to his inabil- Well Leave the Christmas ity to read this past Tuesday when he momentarily forgot the Evolved Primates Go Wild outline his lecture, which was clearly displayed behind him on Tree Up At This Point a Powerpoint presentation put together by his T.A. “I knew in Response to Trucks with this day would come,” said Greene, as he attempted to recall WOONSOCKET, RI—Statistical data gathered by the the contents of the Taco Bell menu. “The bell rang after two Department of Labor indicates that, at this point, the Ameri- Over-sized Wheels minutes of silence, but they still might have figured out my can people might as well just leave their Christmas tree up. KANSAS CITY, secret.” Greene was last seen trying to decipher a note passed “Pfft, screw this,” said Gordon Billingsley, head of the Depart- MO—Homo sapiens to him by fellow anthropologist Arthur Kendrick during a ment of Labor, told the media as he stared at the 8 foot tree gathered in the hun- faculty meeting, even though he had a sneaking suspicion that in his living room. “It’s what, October? Just throw a sheet over dreds to perform what Kendrick was just as aware as his class about his condition. it and say it’s a ghost.” Billingsley’s conclusion falls in line with census data indicating that, while the majority of Ameri- is understood to be a Passenger insists they can cans put the decoration removal on their to-do list this past series of complicated year, only 0.89 percent actually crossed it off. “We’re excited by social interactions stim- be dropped off here; this these findings,” Billingsley said, “Because I sure as hell didn’t ulated by the presence feel like going out to the shed.” of trucks with large is close enough, really wheels. Regarded by Local man trashes new primate experts as a mating ritual, the trucks serve as the cen- WEST CAMPUS—While being driven home at 3:04 terpiece as the males beat their chests and yell “Crush them!” a.m. on Saturday by her friend Brianna Wilson, junior sunglasses after no one to signify their prowess and masculinity. “It’s a remarkable Allison Brinkley insisted on being dropped off “here,” at display of aggression and virility,” said field biologist Frank the corner of 25th and Pearl, even though her apartment Elmond, pointing to a large male pouring beer over several notices them nearby primates, demonstrating his dominance. “This kind of is actually on Graham Street, halfway between 25th and elaborate interaction takes generations to develop.” Elmond 26th. While Wilson kept insisting that, it’s okay, she AUSTIN—Area man Donald Young angrily threw away was overjoyed as he was involved in the ritual by being picked can drop her off in front of her apartment, Brinkley his newly-purchased Ray-Ban tortoise-shell sunglasses upon up by several younger males and was thrown into the dump- realizing that no one had complimented them all day. After was adamant that the location was close enough, re- ster outside. NEWS • 3 4 • NEWS TEXAS TRAVESTY • SEPTEMBER 2010 Freshman has “rowing team” written all over him David McQuary “Do you work out often?” members really get to know their ASSOCIATE EDITOR When Moreno explained that crewmates after sitting directly he mostly did pull-ups and behind them in a boat for hours AUSTIN—Last Monday, bench press, the co-captains on end. Spurling added, “Yeah, representatives from UT Crew nodded in unison and said, “Per- you’d be really surprised by the decided that freshman Scott fect.” awesome leadership experience Moreno had “Rowing Team” Glaser proceeded to explain you’ll gain by making the same written all over him as they ob- the benefits of joining the row- arm motion for days on end.” served him walking out of Greg- ing team, emphasizing that it is During their pitch, the two ory Gymnasium. a fun and exciting way to get in representatives chose to omit the “His burnt orange gym shorts shape; the shape being: “top- fact that Moreno would need to exhibited the ideal combination be on Town Lake every morn- of drive, calm and boring that “You’d be really ing by sunrise to begin practice. will make him a great recruit for However, the freshman’s dim the squad,” said Ron Glaser, the surprised by the awesome personality and drone-like body crew’s chesty team captain. leadership experience language told them he most When he first saw Moreno likely wouldn’t complain anyway. walking through the crowd, you’ll gain by making the “I don’t know, it sounds kinda Glaser immediately turned to same arm motion for days cool,” replied Moreno. After his co-captain Dave Spurling, on end.” spending a few seconds to won- pointed at the Moreno’s broad der if the 4:00 a.m. practices shoulders and empty eyes and heavy and lifeless.” might conflict with his early said, “That’s our guy, get ready.” “I’ve been selling freshman on 10:30 a.m. lecture on Tuesdays, The two “athletes” then mo- the whole ‘It’s important to get he agreed to pay the $600 in tioned for Moreno to speak with involved during your first year’ dues necessary to join the team. them about their “sporting” or- thing,” said Glaser, “But if we As of press time, Moreno was ganization. had a lot of friends, we probably vomiting off the side of his boat After introducing themselves, wouldn’t be out by Gregory re- at 4:30 a.m. ■ Glaser and Spurling began com- cruiting people for crew.” “This is going to be a great Moreno’s outstanding biceps will be one of the few upsides to his plimenting Moreno’s large bi- Glaser and Spurling success- year,” he said out loud. debilitating lack of sleep. Photo Texas Travesty ceps — Glaser asking, fully convinced Moreno that

one thinks I’m an asshole, and on top of all of that, I got a Jack in the Box disgraces wall growing out my ass the size of Arizona,” the state said Report: All the Good sullenly as it walked along the beach. “And I got the shakes. another culture with new I’d see a doctor, but my healthcare sucks.” After Gov. Arnold Stuff Falling Out of Schwarzenegger’s election, the state began begging the Pacific Chicken Tikka Masala Ocean to intervene. “I keep getting phone calls from him in the middle of the night asking me to take him out,” the Pacific Taco nuggets Ocean told reporters, “But I’m kinda busy with Japan.” The US Government issued a statement Tuesday that it “Respects SAN DIEGO—National California’s wishes; however the US government still does not fast-food giant Jack in the Box support ocean-assisted suicide.” announced plans to disgrace yet another world culture by Dead pledge with paddle introducing “Chicken Tikka Masala nuggets” to their marks and three goldfish in menu. The traditional Indian dish will be served deep-fried, stomach possibly the victim on a bed of onion rings with a choice of tartar sauce or honey mustard. “None of us had ever of hazing really tried Indian food,” explained Frank Allen, vice president of menu development. “So I just kinda guessed what it probably WEST CAMPUS—On Friday, police investigating the re- tasted like.” When asked if Indian customers would be offended cent death of international business freshman Marcus Ross by the new menu item, Allen responded, “Yeah, we’ve received confirmed the possibility that the Delta Tau Gamma pledge, WEST MALL—A report filed yesterday indicated that all some calls. Those guys’ accents are hilarious!” who was found with paddle marks and three goldfish in his stomach, was the victim of hazing. “At this time, we are unable the good stuff was falling out of engineering sophomore Mike California Begs Ocean to to confirm whether or not this strangely bruised body filled Delphino’s Taco Bell taco outside the Student Union. “The with goldfish was actually a hazing victim,” said Police Chief poor kid doesn’t even stand a chance,” said advertising fresh- Daniel Fisher about Ross, who was also found wearing a tight man Bill Fleming as he watched Delphino attempt to catch Put It Out of Its Misery pink tutu. “Our investigative team is working hard to deter- the dribble of chili sauce leaking from his taco while mari- mine why a student would attempt to drink 40 shots of tequila nated chicken fell from the other end. As of press time, only PLAYA DEL REY, CA—After more than 225 years of then walk around campus blindfolded.” Although Delta Tau the shredded lettuce remained in the taco while guacamole, existence, California is begging the Pacific Ocean to merci- Gamma did not comment on the issue, a spokesperson for sour cream, cheese and chicken lay piled on napkins placed fully end the state’s life. This could mark the end of the land- the UT chapter said its members were still grieving the loss frantically on a table near where the incident first occurred. mass, originally part of the super-continent Pangea. “What’s of Ross’s dues. Delphino was last seen leaving the area to get a plastic fork the point of going on? My economy is in the tank, every- from Wendy’s muttering, “It’s not even worth it anymore.”

4 • NEWS www.texastravesty.com NOT READY FOR THIS COMMITMENT SINCE 1997 SPORTS • 5 Report: Braves organization Colt McCoy just realizing Bobby Cox & died four years ago ATLANTA—Team doc- Jordan Shipley tor’s from the Atlanta Braves organization reported today that long-time manager Bobby Cox in fact died four years ago while sitting on the bench dur- Long Distance Phone Call ing a game. The would-be 69 year-old manager was left in his seated position for a little more than four seasons without the team noticing. “We always admired how Bobby was always at the field first and was the last to leave,” said John Schuerholz, President of Base- ball Operations, “It’s a sad day for baseball.” There’s no word on whether the Braves will re- quest any compensation back from the Cox estate for the seasons when he coached the team while deceased, but it’s arguable that the MLB’s third winningest manager did indeed earn his salary as he compiled more manage- rial wins than losses while dead. “Mr. Cox was a great man for our sport,” said a somber Bud Selig, “I guess we could say that he McCoy: Hi ship ship! Shipley: What did you wish for, Colty? died doing what he loved.” Shipley: Colty! Did you get my text today?? McCoy: Oh I don’t want to ruin it, silly. What McCoy: Yeah, I just watched that episode of did you wish for? The Bill Engvall Show and it’s hilarious! Shipley: Nuh uh, I ain’t saying either. MLB grants Pittsburgh Shipley: Haha, well I didn’t get a text back, McCoy: OK, we’ll saying at the same time. and I was thinking about you so I just thought 1…2…3! Pirates use of batting tee I’d call. Shipley: I wished to get traded to the Browns! McCoy: Ship-a-lip, is everything OK? McCoy: I wished to get traded to the Bengals! for final six games Shipley: Yeah… Shipley/McCoy: Hahahaha! McCoy: Now Jordan, don’t lie to me, you McCoy: Uh-oh, Coach Mack’s on the other PITTSBURGH—In an un- precedented move, Major League know we can talk about anything. line. Baseball has allowed the Pitts- Shipley: Well it’s nothing, it’s just, I heard you Shipley: Whats he want? burgh Pirates the use of a batting only throw to Josh Cribbs now in practice, and McCoy: Oh nothin’, he always likes to call me tee in the team’s final six games of you used to throw the ball to me all the before he goes to sleep to say good night, this the 2010 season. “After carefully time and I miss it. should only take a second. reviewing our options, giving the Pirates a batting tee seemed the McCoy: ‘Ley! We met in Akron McCoy: … only feasible way to allow them to just last week so I could throw Shipley: … perform at a level that is consistent the ball to you! You know McCoy: OK, back. Coach says with other Major League teams,” you’ll always be my number hi. commissioner Bud Selig stated at one receiver! Shipley: I miss him. a press conference this week. “We Shipley: It’s 11:11! McCoy: I miss you tried more conventional methods first, but these all failed.” These McCoy: Ooooh! Make a wish! too. conventional methods included Shipley: … increasing the number of hours Pi- McCoy: … rates players were required to spend in the team gymnasium, mandatory meetings with a sport’s psychiatrist and actually practicing. “Last year was so bad that I think Robert Nutting just picked up a dozen or so guys from the Dominican Republic during his vacation last offseason and put them on the team assuming they would be great at baseball,” Pirates manager John Russell said. “Now we may be last in the league in batting average, but at least we’re first in Pedro’s.” The batting tee that will be employed is a standard American Little League batting tee normally used for players between the ages of 5 and 9. Made out of a flexible synthetic rubber, there is no risk of any player getting injured by the tee when the Pirates inevitably wind up hitting it further then the ball.

SPORTS • 5 6 • NEWS TEXAS TRAVESTY • SEPTEMBER 2010 Obama still hasn’t washed hand after shaking hands with junior Tracy Heilman Jermaine Affonso way through a pack of students just Heilman’s work as a student. “She’s ASSOCIATE EDITOR to get closer to Heilman. charismatic and magnetic, but has “I was so nervous when we first she actually accomplished anything WASHINGTON—President made eye contact,” said Obama, who significant in school?” Obama announced Monday that he introduced himself as Barry upon In fact, while Heilman has man- has yet to wash his right hand after meeting Heilman. “My palms must aged to remain in good esteem his encounter with Tracy Heilman, a have been so sweaty. Disgusting!” amongst her professors and peers, UT political communication junior, Sources also confirmed seeing the her GPA slipped noticably in the last nearly two months ago. President hastily take several pictures semester. “I still can’t believe I actually got of Heilman with his phone while de- When notified of McConnell’s to meet her!” said an uncharacteris- criticism, Obama was quick to de- tically giddy Obama at a press con- fend Heilman. ference. “The second I shook hands “The second I “It’s only been two years!” the with her I knew that I could never shook hands with President said as he slammed his fist wash this hand again!” into the podium. “How is she sup- Obama, a long time fan of the her I knew that I posed to get a good GPA if no one 19-year-old, first saw her at her at his believes in her?” 2007 campaign rally in Austin, where could never wash Other prominent Democrats were she stood nearly 90-feet away from also quick to shout down McCon- the president wearing a white “Hope” this hand again!” nell. t-shirt. “Sen. McConnell is completely “I was excited when I heard I was out of touch with Americans,” said returning to Austin, but I really didn’t livering his speech from the podium. Majority Leader Sen. Harry Reid expect Tracy to come out and watch Approximately three hours later, (D-NV). “Heilman’s done an unbe- me speak again,” Obama told report- Obama posted 22 blurry pictures on lievable job the past two years, and I ers. “I guess you can never be sure, his Facebook page in an album en- can’t imagine anyone else doing the so I put on my best hand stitched, titled “TRACY!!!” job of the average U.S. college stu- custom-designed executive suit, just The President’s steadfast support dent better than her.” in case.” of Heilman has drawn its own share The president, however, was unim- University of Texas students pres- of criticism. pressed. ent at Obama’s August speech in “To be honest, I just don’t un- “I’m happy [the democrats] voiced derstand the hype,” said Minority their support,” Obama said. “But, you Gregory Gymnasium confirmed see- ■ ing the president leap from the stage Leader Sen. Mitch McConnell (R- should know, I’ve been a fan of Tracy You don’t want to know where this hand has been over the course of Photo Creative Commons in excitement and quickly push his KY), who has long been critical of for way longer than those other guys.” the last two months. College of Fine Arts honors first ever thousandaire

AUSTIN—At a ceremony last May 2008 from the Butler School hope that Taylor’s accomplish- night in the Student Services of Music, was deemed worthy of ment will prove to our graduates - Small Class Sizes - Abundant Financial Assistance Building auditorium, dean of the the acclaim due to receiving a that it is possible to earn up to - Excellent Teaching - Upcoming Tier-1 University College of Fine Arts, Douglas combined salary of $3,285 since several thousand dollars with your - Unique Research Opportunities - No. 1 Tourist City in Texas Dempster, honored recent alum- graduation two and a half years degree from the Fine Arts col- nus Taylor Mitchum, the College’s ago. “Mitchum is worthy of this lege.” As of press time, Mitchum Plus $2.5 Millions of Valero Graduate Funds first ever thousandaire. Mitchum, recognition and will serve as an is back at work cleaning slime out who graduated with a bachelor’s inspiration to current Fine Arts of the freezers. at Baskin Robbin’s. Your a ced study with us will be even better! degree in piano performance in students,” beamed Dempster, “We dvan

M.S. - Biomedical Engineering Ph.D. - Biomedical Engineering - Civil Engineering - Electrical Engineering - Computer Engineering - Environmental Science & Engineering Tyra Banks Set to Interview Tyra - Electrical Engineering - Mechanical Engineering (expected 2011) - Advanced Manufacturing and Enterprise Engineering - Mechanical Engineering Banks, Talk More About Tyra Master - Civil Engineering Banks http://engineering.utsa.edu Email: [email protected]

NEW YORK — In a press con- the world. Who else is an actress, to become a model. Now look at ference organized by Tyra Banks, singer, former model and business- me. No, seriously, look at me! Why Tyra Banks announced to the woman? Tyra Banks still has more aren’t you looking at me?” Tension world that Tyra Banks has more to say about Tyra Banks.” Banks mounted in the room when Banks plans to talk about Tyra Banks, said, in a self-described “fierce” forced reporters to remain in their despite the recent cancellation of announcement. “When Tyra was seats as she tried on various biki- www.texastravesty.com her hit daytime talk show, “The thirteen years old” Banks contin- nis and evening wear. “Tyra Banks Tyra Banks Show.” “Tyra Banks is ued “Modeling agencies constantly knows that Tyra Banks looks great an inspiration to girls all around told her that she was too beautiful for Tyra Banks’ age,” she said.

6 • NEWS www.texastravesty.com NOT READY FOR THIS COMMITMENT SINCE 1997 INTERVIEW • 7 Texas Travesty Interview JS: Oh yeah, I’m Ultra Sound but that’s also Fred Savage. Man. I can walk up and scan a JS: “Okay, okay, okay….the woman’s stomach. shrieking eels” Edgar Wright, Michael Cera, and Jason MC: See what they’ve eaten. TT: Did you guys get to hang JS: I can see if they’re pregnant, out with the music artists who Schwartzman of Scott Pilgrim vs. The World what the sex is and how things recorded for the movie at all? are developing. Beck? Metric? TT: Is that because your wife is EW: In some cases. Beck… pregnant that you want that Michael still never met Beck, power? actually. Beck did his stuff in JS: Well that and I’ve always LA kind of nine months before wanted it. we started shooting. We hung TT: It’s like X-Ray vision, but more out with the Toronto bands detailed. a bunch because they were JS: Specific. Yeah, it’s like a around on set a lot. [We hung specialist. It’s ilke being a out with] Kevin Drew from doctor or being a specialist. Broken Social Scene, Chris There are superheroes who can Murphy from Sloane was our throw things and then they’re kind of music coach and Emily Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is the major motion picture based on the cult-favorite graphic like “We need to look inside and Haines from Metric. Those guys novels by Bryan Lee O’Malley. Director Edgar Wright (also known for Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the see what this is. Well I know a were around. The vocals that Dead), and stars Michael Cera (Arrested Devolpment, Superbad, Juno, Youth in Revolt) and Jason specialist, we can call him.” Then Michael, Mark, Allison and Brie Schwartzman (Rushmore, The Darjeeling Limited, Funny People) sat down with the Travesty to they call me in Beverly Hills. Larson recorded for the songs joke about being superheros (and villians), playing music, and Comicon. If you haven’t seen MC: I’d be called “The Tailor”. I were done in Metric’s home Scott Pilgrim yet, consider going as soon as you can. could walk up and go [touches studio. So we were in their Jason’s shirt] and their clothes home studio. It was really cool. Texas Travesty: So let’s get this EW: That’s the best sentence JS: If someone picked me would fit perfectly. It was nice being sort of tapped ball rolling: The different exes in I’ve come up with all day. up and carried me over the EW: Oh my God, that’s a good into the scene. the film have their weaknesses, MC: Actually tickling is a really shoulders and was like “I’m one. TT: What did you do to bring that Scott defeats them with, good answer. going to bury you alive in ten JS: Your first name is James. these characters off the page and how would you be defeated? JS: Like in a fight? minutes” I’d be like “No! No! No!” MC: You know there is a place in onto the screen? What is your foil? EW: I bet you could take MC: That’s the worst. It’s worse LA called “James’ Tailor”. MC: We rehearsed a lot. Jason Schwartzman: This is Brandon Routh out if you start than the actual being buried JS: Oh I know, I DIE for that EW: Yeah. already off to the best start, tickling him. alive. place. I die, I die, I die. MC: Did some fight training and because we’ve never been MC: If someone choked me JS: You know that moment EW: You guys came up with choreography, music training asked this question. Let’s see, and squeezed my neck so hard before someone picks you up good ones. I haven’t got but the rehearsal was most what’s my weakness? that it completely deflated, I when you’re little and pretends anything up my sleeve. helpful stuff for me. Watching Edgar Wright: Oh tickling. wouldn’t know what to do. to throw you into the pool? You JS: That’s it! That’s your all the other actors find their Somebody tickle me, I’d be JS: If somebody tried to bury know that feeling? That’s what character. “Nothing up your characters was really fun and fucked. me alive… my life has been like for the last sleeve man” also really exciting. Michael Cera: Yeah. MC: Tried to? thirty years. TT: Or everything up your TT: Did you play your music? MC: You know when you’re a kid sleeve, that could be your MC: No, except when I play the and someone uses your neck as power. song to her. Otherwise, all the an ashtray? EW: I’d like to be called “Wizard music was prerecorded by Beck, (laughter) Sleeve” and I’d like to have the we were just synching along to JS: The other thing would be ability to… it. hair pulling. I hate hair pulling. MC: Wizard Sleeve? That’s gross. EW: You did the vocals on it. MC: I hate when they smush EW: I could just produce MC: Mark Weber redid Beck’s your face on the toilet and then anything out of my sleeve. vocals. they slide the seat on top of it. Or other wizards. I’m like the JS: Did Nigel produce that stuff? TT: Speaking from past Russian doll of wizards, like if I EW: No, Beck produced the experiences? had a big sleeve I could pull out music on his own and Nigel did MC: The past ten minutes. like eight Gandolfs if I wanted the vocals. JS: You wanted it? You got it. to. Mark weber who’s not a singer TT: On the flip side, if you were JS: Not bad. had to sing the first time in front a super hero, what would be EW: Captain Wizard Sleeve of Nigel Godrich. Jesus Louisus. your super hero name and super MC: You could be “never reveal That’s insane. power? your power man.” MC: I’d be pretty nervous. MC: [to Jason] You had a really EW: I’ve got Dumbledore up good one. here, Gandolf over here, Merlin TT: So Jason, what was it like JS: I did? in my back pocket, Fred Savage to play a villain? MC: Yeah yours was The in my wizard’s hat. I got four Find out the answer and UltraSound. wizards. JS: How do I do that? MC: Fred Savage: is he in “The read the rest at MC: You can walk up and look Wizard”? He’s reading the story? texastravesty.com into women’s stomachs. Oh no, that’s “Princess Bride”,

INTERVIEW • 7 8 • CENTERSPREAD CENTERSPREAD • 9 GH GH Le Menu du

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8 • CENTERSPREAD CENTERSPREAD • 9 10 • FEATURES TEXAS TRAVESTY • SEPTEMBER 2010

Having trouble choosing a single photo to perfectly rep- resent yourself? The Travesty has figured out the best algorithm to make this important decision. Just answer Landscape! each question honestly and you’re on your way to perfect profile picturdom! Baby Picture. Accentuate GIRL boobs. GUY Travel recently? Are you a little on the Are you Hot girl Go find a husky side? pretty? in your girl then. picture? Are you ugly? Bob Saget. Do you know Do you Pretty sexy how to use She your think you’re Photoshop? or pretty gf? funny? Is it cute? dopplegang- er week? Just choose from the 5000 Sunflower Nice, use Use it Just leave it blank dude, you already field it. anyway. have. you’re fucked.

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TT: How was it working with Similarly with David Fincher the accusations of theft and Texas Travesty Interview David Fincher and Aaron Sor- I’d always watched his mov- betrayal. And I really get to kin? What was it like for you? ies and been in awe of them defend myself pretty explicitly. Jesse Eisenberg of The JE: It was a great thrill and because they’re so unique As an actor you’re constantly honor, I loved Aaron Sorkin’s looking. I was surprised to see wanting to defend you char- Social Network work since I was very little. I that he was as interested in acter’s position, but the script taped every episode of Sports actors as he is visually. doesn’t frequently defend it so Night and would watch them TT: Wow. Now, did you have a explicitly. So that was a great over and over again. Primarily favorite scene while working on relief. because of the writing. The the movie? TT: Are you more of a Farmville dialogue was so unique and JE: Well, the movie kind of or Zombies person? interesting and was not only takes place during the cre- JE: These are what? Applica- entertaining but as a very ation of Facebook at Harvard, tions? Games? young actor of 13 years old and then four years later in TT: Yeah applications. I thought the roles were so these deposition room scenes JE: Yeah I’ve heard about interesting. And yet they really where my character is being these, people spend hours and didn’t need to be, because the sued by two different parties. I hours creating a fake farm? storylines were so fascinating. really enjoyed shooting these Yeah it seems interesting, I’m Similarly, in this movie, it’s deposition scenes, because sure I would do that. I’m not about something so topical my character is really able to on Facebook but I used to play and significant, and yet the relieve himself of a lot of the “Sim City” as a kid. characters are so interesting. anger he has stored up, during

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TEXAS FOR MORE INFORMATION STUDENT The Daily Texan • TSTV • KVRX • Texas P 512.471.1865 MEDIA Travesty • Cactus Yearbook CONTACT US visit us at WWW.UTEXAS.EDU/TSM 12 • FEATURES TEXAS TRAVESTY • SEPTEMBER 2010 The Texas Travesty INVESTIGATES Braking for Cyclists: Good for your Car? VALUE OF THE CYCLIST

In these tough economic times, decisions that were Expert Thoughts once easily made now take on tremendous importance. KYLE MARKS FIXEDSTEPHEN GEAR CYCLIST JOHAN HAWKING SPHUMBERGER Richards Engineering Project Manager George Hartford 10th grade (pretentious assholes) World- Nobel Prize was faced with one of these choices as he sped along physics student renowned winning Guadalupe Street in Austin, Texas. theoretical physicist On his way into the office, Hartford spotted a bicyclist physicist crossing the intersection. The decision was as clear as it was controversial: Would he continue driving at full NON-FIXED“I guess this makes sense. “I only brake for titties.” “Wait, what the fuck?” speed or would he attempt to brake, knowing that the GEARDoes CYCLIST this count for extra additional wear-and-tear on his brakes generated by credit?” emergency braking could cost him thousands in brake repairs? COST OF BRAKE PADS VS. Quick Guide to Braking for Cyclists “No one ever tells you how to deal with a situation like STATE OF ECONOMY that — every day I worry about costly brake repairs — so I had to think fast,” Hartford told the Travesty. “Ulti- mately I just couldn’t afford to brake for the bicycle.” Hartford’s dilemma is one that is being faced by more and more Americans every day. Over 34 percent of mo- torists pay, on average, $428 on auto maintenance due to stopping for crossing cyclists. The phenomenon is being studied by noted economist Steven Levitt, author of Freakonomics, who reports interesting findings: “I noticed that tide patterns off the ECONOMY coast of Hawaii were correlating with rising automotive PRICE OF BRAKE PADS repair costs. I’m writing a chapter about it for my new With the downturn in the economy and the book, ‘Yeah, That Makes Sense.’” rising cost of brake pads, some economists Beyond damage to braking systems, vehicle suspen- believe a driver can only afford to stop their sion and handling may also be compromised in efforts to car at most four times a day. evade cyclists. VALUE OF THE CYCLIST Noted financial analyst Correll Blynn told the Trav- esty, “Over the past three quarters, automotive costs, specifically the cost of brake pads, have skyrocketed and FIXED GEAR CYCLIST (pretentious assholes) mechanical damage related to attempting to not plow into crossing cyclists appears to be the most prevalent reason,” Blynn said, adding that “if America wants to pull itself out of this recession, please, for the love of god, NON-FIXED stop stopping for cyclists.” GEAR CYCLIST by Slate Rogers Lead Investigator Studies have revealed that the vast majority of cyclists possess little to no value. 12 • FEATURES www.texastravesty.com ECONOMY

PRICE OF BRAKE PADS NOT READY FOR THIS COMMITMENT SINCE 1997 FEATURES • 13

Recent Reviews

The PCL

Scruff M. The Dissertation section of the PCL is pretty much a hostel for us; sometimes you can stay there for a month straight. Trust me, nobody will bother you in there except the occasional wayward Ph D. Another plus is that the dissertations themselves are perfect kindling for garbage fires. On the downside, the hand soap in the bathroom is a little too viscous to wash all the grime off of your body, but luckily, the toilets are regularly cleaned so you can use them as a foot bath. Veggie Heaven

Marcus J. And we were heading straight into the heart of Vietcong territory when my Meemaw called me. She started talking about how they were all so worried about me back at home. They had a Dewberry pie waiting for me. That’s when Bubbs was shot.

Jack in the Box

Hawk I’VE NEVER SEEN SUCH OVERPRICED FOOD IN MY LIFE. $1.99 for a BURGER? Christ, they act like this is Chili’s or something. I remember back when you could get a burger, malt, and fries for $.10. Plus the staff will always look at you funny when you go in. Like they’re soooo much better because they aren’t drinking cough syrup? ON THE POSITIVE SIDE: Unlimited free napkins, free ketchup, free straws to chew on if you’re bored. For all these things, unless you buy something, you’ve got to be real sneaky about it. That Patch of Grass by Trudy’s

Jim E. It’s a pretty good patch of grass. There’s a tree that will provide shade if it’s hot outside. It’s next to a creek if you need a drink. Some people on their way to get coffee will take pity on you. Maybe you could get a meal if you sit out there long enough.

Starbucks

Jerry I’m really into yelling at people, so the Starbucks at 24th and San Antonio is one of my favorite spots in Austin. There’s a constant stream of customers sitting on the large patio, which gives me a great opportunity to sit outside with them and just scream like crazy. I couldn’t recommend this place more for the homeless person that enjoys to yell gibberish.