Jeffrey A. Kottler
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Living and Being a Therapist A COLLECTION OF READINGS Jeffrey A. Kottler Bassim Hamadeh, CEO and Publisher Leah Sheets, Associate Editor Alia Bales, Associate Production Editor Jess Estrella, Senior Graphic Designer Alexa Lucido, Licensing Coordinator Don Kesner, Interior Designer Natalie Piccotti, Senior Marketing Manager Kassie Graves, Vice President of Editorial Jamie Giganti, Director of Academic Publishing Copyright © 2019 by Cognella, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reprinted, repro- duced, transmitted, or utilized in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying, microfilming, and recording, or in any information retrieval system without the written permission of Cognella, Inc. For inquiries regarding permissions, translations, foreign rights, audio rights, and any other forms of reproduction, please contact the Cognella Licensing Department at [email protected]. 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Printed in the United States of America ISBN: 978-1-5165-2536-2 (pbk) / 978-1-5165-2537-9 (br) Living and Being a Therapist A COLLECTION OF READINGS Contents About the Author ........................................................................vi Foreword ....................................................................................viii Introduction: Where Angels Fear to Tread ...........................x Personal Disclosures ..................................................................3 1 Hiking the Narrows .................................................................... 4 2 Becoming a Therapist ................................................................ 8 3 Clients Who Have Changed Me .................................................. 14 4 A Personal Journey Through Conflict ........................................22 5 On Being a Hypocrite ................................................................ 32 6 Reflections on Aging ................................................................. 37 Explorations and Investigations ...........................................45 7 The Language of Tears .............................................................46 8 Divine Madness: Painted in Blood .............................................50 9 The Complexity of Change ........................................................ 61 10 Transformative Travel and Spiritual Journeys .........................68 11 Traveling Like an Anthropologist ............................................. 75 12 The Pig’s Butler .......................................................................82 13 He’s Got Game: A Tale of Courage and Resilience .....................89 14 I’m a Storyteller .................................................................... 100 Faults and Foibles ................................................................... 109 15 Really Bad Therapy ................................................................. 110 16 My Most Difficult Client ......................................................... 119 17 The Man Who Wanted His Nose Cut Off ..................................127 18 Lying and Deceptions .............................................................138 19 When Therapists Supervise Themselves .................................152 20 Honoring Mystery ................................................................ 159 Being a Therapist ..................................................................... 171 21 Living One Hundred Lives ......................................................172 22 Who We Are Versus What We Do ............................................178 23 What Leads to Creative Breakthroughs? ................................ 184 24 From Therapist to Client ....................................................... 190 25 The Joys of Therapeutic Transcendence ................................ 196 26 On Being a Client: How to Get the Most From Therapy .......... 200 27 Developing Your Own Voice................................................... 206 28 Secrets of Exceptional Therapists .......................................... 211 Making a Difference ................................................................217 29 Feeling Useful........................................................................218 30 Confessions of a Spiritual Skeptic .......................................... 228 31 Trauma, Trauma Everywhere ................................................ 235 32 Love Is a Four-Letter Word in Therapy .................................. 246 33 Saving the World, or Saving Myself? ...................................... 252 34 Leadership at Work and Play ................................................. 262 35 Snapshots from a Therapist Trying to Make a Difference ....... 267 36 Some Final Reflections ......................................................... 274 Selected Books .......................................................................... 278 Credits ...................................................................................... 282 vi About the Author effrey A. Kottler is one of the most prominent authors in the fields J of counseling, psychotherapy, health, and education, having written over 90 books on a wide range of sub- jects. His most highly regarded works include On Being a Therapist; Creative Breakthroughs in Therapy: Tales of Transformation and Astonishment; The Mummy at the Dining Room Table: Eminent Therapists Reveal Their Most Unusual Cases and What They Teach Us About Human Behavior; Bad Therapy: Master Therapists Share Their Worst Failures; The Client Who Changed Me: Stories of Therapist Personal Transformation; Divine Madness: Ten Stories of Creative Struggle; Stories We’ve Heard, Stories We’ve Told: Life- Changing Narratives in Therapy and Everyday Life; The Therapist in the Real World; Relationships in Counseling and the Counselor’s Life; Therapy Over 50: Aging Issues in Psychotherapy and the Therapist’s Life; and On Being a Master Therapist: Practicing What You Preach. Jeffrey has also written successful trade books on a variety of psychological themes: Private Moments, Secret Selves: Enriching Our Time Alone; Divine About the Author | vii Madness: Ten Stories of Creative Struggle; Change: What Really Leads to Lasting Personal Transformation; and the best-selling true crime book The Last Victim: A True-Life Journey into the Mind of the Serial Killer, which was produced as a feature film (Dear Mr. Gacy). Jeffrey has been a counselor, therapist, supervisor, and educator for 45 years, having worked at a preschool, a middle school, a mental health center, a crisis center, a hospital, an NGO, a university, and a community college; in private prac- tice; and in disaster relief settings. He was a Fulbright scholar, has been a senior lecturer in Peru and Iceland, and has worked as a visiting professor at academic institutions in New Zealand, Australia, Hong Kong, Singapore, and Nepal. Jeffrey is Professor Emeritus of Counseling at California State University, Fullerton. He currently lives in Houston, where he works on projects related to refugee trauma and is Clinical Professor in the Menninger Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Science at the Baylor College of Medicine. viii Foreword Michael Hoyt hile visiting Jeffrey Kottler at his home (then in Southern California—I was there to give a lecture at the university where he was teaching), I had W an amazing experience. Jeffrey had graciously gone off to the kitchen to get us some drinks and snacks, so I wandered around looking at stuff—interesting paintings, some family photos, various objets d’art and knickknacks, stacks of magazines, novels, and nonfiction on a table. In one corner of the living room there was a large bookcase. On the shelves were dozens and dozens of books, many with titles I couldn’t read because they were in various foreign languages— Spanish, French, Italian, and German, of course; and also Japanese, Chinese, and Korean; and other languages that looked like Polish, Turkish, Hindi, Hebrew, Arabic, Swedish, and Icelandic. When I looked closer, I noticed that the books all had the same word on the spine: KOTTLER. Jeffrey had, somehow, written all of these books! His productivity is amazing to me in several ways: 1. Sheer volume—Who has the time and energy to produce 90+ books (plus have a family and friends, keep up with current culture, exercise regularly, serve as a university professor and a practicing psychotherapist, organize humanitarian relief efforts, be a peripatetic world traveler, etc.)? 2. Range of topics—The books ran the gamut of therapy and counseling subjects, including interviewing, storytelling, the power of relationship, theories of change, ethics, lies and deception, leadership, burnout and Foreword Michael Hoyt | ix self-care, group processes, unusual cases, self-supervision, aging, social advocacy, indigenous healing, and creative breakthroughs; there was also an exploration of the mind of a serial murderer, a funny story of a gay Icelandic man training to be the butler for Danielle Steel’s pet pig, a study of the Abstract Expressionist painter Mark Rothko, and insights into how travel adventures can