HONI SOIT

The English Faculty’s Latest Controversy 6 The Truth About Squirting 8 Blokes and Body Hair 14-15 I Stabbed a Fish; Now I’m Blind 20 The editors of Honi Soit and the SRC acknowledge the traditional owners of this land, the Gadigal people of the Eora nation. Honi Soit is written, printed, and distributed on Aboriginal land. If you are reading this, you are standing on Aboriginal land. Please recognise and respect this. We acknowledge both our privilege and our obligation to redress the situation as best we can: to remember the mistakes of the past, act on the problems of today, and build for a future for everyone who calls this place home, striving always for practical and meaningful reconciliation.

Contents

5: News 8-9: Perspective 14-15: Feature Sophie Gallagher on Oweek Comedy Night Lyra Talise on being a student and a sex worker. Sam Langford and William Edwards talk about Max Hall reports on the University’s lack of Victoria Zerbst researched her ejaculate. body hair leadership in Indigenous affairs. Food wastage with Nina Matsumoto. 16-17: Perspective 6: In Too Deep 12: Profile Louisa Studman, Mary Ward and Clodagh Peter Walsh on the faculty lottery. Sophie Gallagher interviews Rayya Elias. Schofield tell their stories.

7: Ongoing 13: Culture 25-27: The Garter Press Astha Rajvanshi, Isabelle Comber, Natalie Leigh Nicholson on Bitch Planet I Don’t Understand the Internet and Neither Should Czapski and Survana Variyar on cybersex. You

Editorial

or the first time in as long as I can For one, suiting our penchant as an long been made, but has very rarely been traction charts, we are no less convinced remember, it was extremely difficult editorial team, we’ve become more well followed through. It’s a common and that Honi is held so dearly because it’s not Fto actually find a copy of Honi last week. oriented towards long form pieces. The unfortunate misconception that Honi exists that simple. By midday Friday, the Taste and Fisher likes of In Too Deep, Ongoing and (the for the singular purpose of commentating stands were emptied out, and Manning newly titled) Perspective each play into on face-saving student politicians, so this There is no publication in the world more was not far off. Though that’s probably this. In Too Deep, in particular, is our way year hackery has been relegated to the willing to publish a first person insight more of a credit to the willingness of of enabling more experiential work, with back pages (see: GronkWatch), and in its into the impracticalities of squirting; to Oweek attendees to pick up anything in Tim Asimakis last week diving into the stead we have dedicated more space to our teach you how to rort parking (and score their sight rather than the quality of the muddy waters of pick up artistry–to the rhymers and raconteurs. free grapes); and to lay up four pages of paper, it was no less a pleasant surprise. dismay of the MRA’s online community. thorough and original freedom rides This week Pete Walsh offers a piece on a Because, ultimately, Honi is whatever content a few hours before a 9am print If you were one of the 4000 that picked similarly scandalous ‘faculty lottery’. you want it to be. Every year this paper deadline. up the Oweek issue (or you’re one of the is built independently, from the ground up, 4 who know there’s a PDF version online) As well as a platform for trenchant by the ones who love it the most. Despite And for puzzles, turn to page 24. you may have noticed that–as well as the journalists, we’re also intent on making being constantly reminded that USU obviously visual changes–there’s a broader Honi a domain for artists, poets, and scandals will pretty much always trump creative shift in Honi this year. storytellers. This is a promise that has fresh cultural content on the Facebook

Credits

Editor-in-Chief: Dominic Ellis Contributors: Angela Collins, Isabelle Comber, Natalie Cover art: Mackenzie Nix, Czapski, William Edwards, Max Hall, Marcus James, Minimum Waste / Maximum Joy Editors: Tim Asimakis, Joanna Connolly, Alex Downie, Sam Langford, Tangy Li, Nina Matsumoto, Leigh Sophie Gallagher, Samantha Jonscher, Patrick Morrow, Nicholson, Lauren Pearce, Astha Rajvanshi, Riki Scanlan, Artists/Illustrators: Dominic Byrne, Gabi Kelland, Alexi Polden, Peter Walsh, Rebecca Wong, Lisa Xia Clodagh Schofield, Louisa Studman, Lyra Talise, Elle Mackenzie Nix, Eliza Owen, Monica Renn. Triantafillou, Suvarna Variyar, Mary Ward, Laura Webster, Victoria Zerbst. Puzzles: Bolton, Ben Sullivan

Disclaimer: Honi Soit is published by the Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney, Level 1 Wentworth Building, City Road, University of Sydney NSW 2006. The SRC’s operation costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Sydney. Honi Soit is printed under the auspices of the SRC’s directors of student publications: Christopher Warren, Serena May, James Rusiti, Ilya Klauzner, Charlie O’Grady, and Alison Xiao. All expressions are published on the basis that they are not to be regarded as the opinions of the SRC unless specifically stated. The Council accepts no responsibility for the accuracy of any of the opinions or information contained within this newspaper, nor does it endorse any of the advertisements and insertions. letters

Regarding OWeek This Week Online

Eds, Pick-up-artist-cum-internet-piranha helped hundreds of men find success and Tony D “ripped [Tim Asimakis] a new one” happiness in dating. Sure, some of us make In Patrick Morrow’s “Human Resources”, Cafe 80s (an all ages area) of our Opening in response to his article ‘Leave Your Fedo- sleazy comments, but I’d rather hang out despite it being a small aside, I still take Night party was sponsored, providing an ra at the Door’. with a guy who makes sleazy comments issue with the claim of “Exorbitant alternative to people who cannot or do not than a manboobed social justice warrior festival headline acts.” This year we made a wish to drink. This would not have been “If you would drop your bias and actual- any day. At least the sleazy guy tells the particular effort to promote more student possible without sponsorship. Clearly ly attend a bootcamp, maybe you would truth, rather than writing biased nonsense and alumni performers as possible, notable the issue of sponsorship is a contentious learn something. Respect and consent are like this. exceptions to this being Mel Buttle, who and very important one, Laura and just catchphrases that frightened jour- was by no means exorbitant to book, and I encountered this first hand whilst nalist chumps drop to raise themselves And you mock lonely men. What do you Allday, who sold out with significantly planning the festival. It is by no means a up to some perch where they can utilize expect, applause from the ladies? cheaper tickets than his other Sydney flawless solution to the difficult problems snark. You’re like the war journalist who shows. A quick tally of our acts indicates of a post-VSU environment. I hope that never goes to war, the tech reviewer who Shame on this website for publishing such that 6 of our 11 are current students this incites further discussion both within never uses the tool himself. You can come schlock.” or alumni, not taking into account our the Union and stronger dialogue with up with moral high ground opinions, but brilliant hosts who are past and present members. you’ve never done the field work. Thanks for the feedback, Tony. students as well. I therefore find it difficult to see how this leads to an infringement of Also, I told you to take the hyphen out of Why didn’t you interview any of his cli- student autonomy over the festival. Of the OWeek. The hyphen is dead. ents, or the other men in attendance? above, only 3 of the 11 acts were suggested Why didn’t you read one of his books? Oops to Laura (my co-director) and I, we had to Sophia Roberts Why didn’t you test any of his theories? Corrections from last week approve the acts before they were locked Why? Because you are not a journalist, in and we choose (or sometimes booked) B.A. (Ancient History), OWeek Director you’re a whiny little blogger. STUCCO is emergency housing, not crisis everybody else of entirely our own accord. 2015​ housing (page 8). I don’t know this guy, but I’ve been teach- May I also point out that almost all of ing pickup full time for six years, and I’ve The Dean of Health Sciences was misi- dentified as Vice Chancellor Spence’s wife (page 14)

Monique Newbery, Maddie Parker and Nina Matsumoto were not credited as contributors.

If you have thoughts, feelings or opinions please email [email protected]

3 say hello to uni life

get 15% off all over campus* With ACCESS you can save on your poached eggs at Laneway, your baguette at Taste and your daily caffeine hit. Save at The Sydney Store, Unimart and every food outlet on the main campus. * Except for Ralph’s and Mint. 10% off at Poolside Café.

save off-campus too There’s are a bunch of ACCESS partners in Newtown, Glebe, Camperdown, online and beyond that will give you a discount when you show your ACCESS card. See all the partners at usu.edu.au/discount. join clubs and societies ACCESS funds the largest clubs and societies program at Sydney University. Your ACCESS card lets you join hundreds of different interest groups on campus ranging from faculty societies that help you score a grad job, to clubs that let you explore your interests like Russellian philosophy, Anime or drama. Visit usu.edu.au to find out more. Like us on Facebook.com/USUAccess.

MKT439 HONI SOIT ACCESS AD_FA.indd 1 2/17/15 12:19 PM news & analysis

OWeek Comedy Night Pyne Drops ‘Wom*n’ From Title Threatens say hello Sophie Gallagher reports on the politics of promotion. Research Cuts he Wom*n’s Comedy Debate was Union, believed the event was “trying to of this was not to make money—of course Tangy Li oPynes on electoral renamed in the lead up to OWeek, tick too many boxes.” He cited attempts to we have to break even—but it did feel like extortion. highlightingT the need for greater aware- support USyd Alumni comics with small all of a sudden we were backing away from ness of women’s issues on campus. profiles, the use of the asterisk in wom*n, a progressive stance that we did take ear- he University of Sydney has said to uni life and the use of the word ‘debate’ as reasons lier.” it will lobby against Education Posters were pulled down, and the title why the event failed to sell tickets. MinisterT Christopher Pyne’s threat to cut of the all-female event was changed to Both Directors believed the event should funding for major research programs in get 15% off all over campus* ‘Comedy Debate’ on marketing around Cowie said that the Union received emails have simply been called ‘Comedy Debate’ health, climate science, and manufacturing the University, removing ‘Wom*n’ from from boyfriends and brothers of wom- from the outset, and were concerned that across Australian universities. With ACCESS you can save on your poached eggs at the title. en identifying students confused about the Union’s late change of name alienated Laneway, your baguette at Taste and your daily caffeine hit. whether they were allowed to attend the some women. Pyne has claimed that he will cut programs Save at The Sydney Store, Unimart and every food outlet on The Comedy night, which has in the past event. This was apparently the impetus for supporting 30,000 researchers if the the main campus. been a successful Union event, had only the Union to change the name, to better Cowie told Honi that the Union would Senate refuses to support the Coalition’s * Except for Ralph’s and Mint. 10% off at Poolside Café. sold about 20 tickets leading up to the reflect the fact that it was non-autono- look at changing the venue and ticket proposed deregulation of university fees, three-day OWeek festival. In comparison, mous and free for all to attend. pricing for next year’s event, in a further initially rejected in December of last year. save off-campus too about 400 Allday tickets for the closing attempt to improve sales. night party had been sold. Sophia Roberts and Laura Barendregt, “We have provided submissions to two There’s are a bunch of ACCESS partners in Newtown, this year’s OWeek Directors, were told on Roberts and Barendregt feel the issue Senate reviews opposing the cuts and will Glebe, Camperdown, online and beyond that will give you Ultimately, the comedy debate drew 165 Friday 20th February that the name had to reflects the broader need for more under- continue to lobby the government and a discount when you show your ACCESS card. out of a possible 400 attendees. The re- be changed. At first both were relieved: standing of the inclusive use of an asterisk Members of Parliament in relation to the See all the partners at usu.edu.au/discount. sponse raises questions about support of Roberts had been concerned that a more in wom*n. Further, the event and response issue,” a spokesperson for the University women-led events, both on campus and in drastic decision would be made, such as symbolise the necessity for greater support said. join clubs and societies general. including men in the line-up. for female-led events, and the need for safe spaces for women on campus. Zdenka Kuncic, a senior academic at the ACCESS funds the largest clubs and societies program Alistair Cowie, Director of Sales and Upon reflection, however, Roberts regret- Institute of Medical Physics, and Charles at Sydney University. Your ACCESS card lets you join Marketing for the University of Sydney ted the name change. “I thought the point Perkins Centre, said the University’s hundreds of different interest groups on campus ranging research infrastructure facilities are crucial. from faculty societies that help you score a grad job, to clubs that let you explore your interests like Russellian “Given what the Charles Perkins Centre’s philosophy, Anime or drama. aims are in achieving breakthroughs Priorities Behind University’s in cardiovascular disease, diabetes and Visit usu.edu.au to find out more. obesity, we really need access to cutting Like us on Facebook.com/USUAccess. Indigenous Student Support Questioned edge facilities and world-class equipment that our colleagues overseas have,” she Max Hall brings you the story behind the press releases. said.

n the wake of the 50th Anniversary the Koori Centre have been wound back. to Academic Support Officers who help “Discontinuing programs will risk our celebration of the Freedom Ride, the The dedicated support staff that once them navigate university administration. research capacity, Australia’s position in IUniversity of Sydney has attempted to worked from the Centre’s space in the All of the above universities, including global university rankings and potentially position itself as an emerging leader in Old Teacher’s College are now fewer in USyd, participate in the government undermine the sustainability of our higher Indigenous Tertiary Education. number; many have now shifted to work funded Indigenous Tutorial Assistance education market,” the University said. as a part of the Student Retention team in Scheme which provides one-on-one The statement, “It’s time Australia’s First Student Services. academic support. Affected programs would include Peoples came first” headlined Sydney the National Collaborative Research University’s extensive marketing campaign Instead, the National Centre for Cultural Students’ Representative Council Infrastructure Strategy (NCRIS). throughout 2014, acting as a precursor to Competency, established in 2014, has Indigenous Officer, Nathan Sheldon- NCRIS has led to major breakthroughs their plans. In addition to funding a re- taken responsibility. Delivering a “whole- Anderson, expressed concerns about plans on vaccinations, 3D imaging and the creation of the original Freedom Ride, the of-university approach” to “build and to rapidly increase Indigenous student production of a new type of steel that is University established a new scholarship strengthen social inclusion”, the Centre numbers without a corresponding increase 70 per cent more greenhouse gas efficient. for Indigenous students, and publicly integrates cultural sensitivity to Indigenous in support services. “If they believe that committed to a 65% increase in Indigenous issues into curriculum, teaching and the current support is appropriate for A University spokesperson stated that student numbers by 2016. A request for research practices. The Centre’s focus is the current population then logically “Our capacity to attract and keep donations states that the intention of the understood to be primarily research based. an increase in the Indigenous student outstanding talent will be reduced, and new scholarship is to “provide support to population would necessitate an increase our best and brightest will be forced to Aboriginal students who need help with By contrast, UTS’s Jumbunna House of in support,” he said. look overseas for career opportunities accommodation and other costs associated Learning provides similar facilities to the if funding for these schemes are not with studying at Sydney.” Koori Centre. With dedicated Indigenous It is undoubtedly positive that the continued.” Student Support Officers, they provide University is seeking to quickly increase Some students have questioned whether one-on-one advice on academic work numbers of Indigenous students. Whether Pyne has stated he aims to push the USyd’s claim to leadership in this area and support students in finding housing this automatically translates to being a deregulation reforms through the Senate is accurate, particularly when compared and navigating university. At UWS, leader in supporting Indigenous students by March. to services and support offered to Student Support Officers work in the remains to be seen. Indigenous students at other universities. same capacity from the Badanami Centre. In recent years, the services provided by UNSW’s Nura Gili gives students access 5

MKT439 HONI SOIT ACCESS AD_FA.indd 1 2/17/15 12:19 PM in too deep

Pot Luck

Peter Walsh reviews a controversial course that was cancelled before it was even taught.

ach November, in the dull arrhythmia between the end of lectures and the Estart of exams, senior academics from the English faculty descend upon the John Woolley Building to hold a lottery. A hangover from an earlier time,1 academics are invited to enter their names into a hat, where the person drawn is given free rein to teach a subject on whatever they want the following year.2

All that’s required to enter is a course outline, which, on entry, is folded-twice and placed in a brown newsboy cap that resembles what a depression-era dockworker would wear. When I attended in 2014, I sat next to a department old hand who was thankfully uninvested, having chosen not to enter after wins in 2009 and 1994. “I come to watch the room”, he says, “the politics of the faculty kitchen for the next twelve months are English Professor euthanises a dog. Art by Dominic Byrne. founded here.”3 through, which is thought of as both a Spurr sponsors Not The Melbourne Cup, a “haha I’m good thanks 8)” into “hey, just Once the room is at capacity—the hat mode of keeping the faculty cutting edge spruiks essay competitions on animal so we’re clear, please don’t mention the brimming4—the faculty chair takes to while also weeding out the joke entries rights, and was reluctant to give my lottery to anyone and especially not my a makeshift pulpit for a few words. He that would end a lecturer’s career if they girlfriend an essay extension when her name as there’s an AP position going and laughs nervously on mentioning he also were to seriously teach them5—anyway, father was hospitalised with heart disease. I’m in with half a chance”. entered and the audience greets this with the subject that won, was a comparative the kind of benign malice you’d expect on study of two texts: J.M Coetzee’s In the immediate aftermath of the lottery, There’s a sense in the department— learning the executor of your late mother’s seminal novel, Digrace, and the collected the bureaucrats of the department scattered uncorroborated, but a vibe—that there estate was also fucking her. The draw, email correspondence of Warm Corpse, to their respective offices, presumably to will be no lottery in 2015. In a blanket now imminent, prompted a significant Professor Barry Spurr. wring their hands and type circular emails, statement, the department refused to thinning of air—a roomful of deep breaths while the dregs passed together to the answer my questions for this article. and clenched muscles. When the lottery is It didn’t take long for everyone to pub. I followed the latter and ended up in Already, they’ve removed access to faculty finally drawn, there’s a gradual succession understand the ‘comparative’ part of a scrum of tech-illiterate oldsters stroking papers from the late 80s, presumably the of sad exhales—people who realise the study. Disgrace is a novel about a smartphones with thumbs and index ones that most openly reveal the stream the paper stock or the font isn’t theirs. conservative Romantic Poetry professor in fingers, texting with unabridged prose and of half-baked academic passion-pieces The convener steps to the pulpit and South Africa who, after an inappropriate full punctuation messages along the line of that have, more recently, been massaged announces the winner, Disgrace in Parallel, interaction with a student, is fired and “what the fuck was that?” Spurr—who had into the unit of study outline with weasel and begins to read the outline. Three lines subsequently exiled to rural South Africa. only cleaned his desk out a week prior— words like “guest lecturer” and “one time in, a portion of the room leave in protest, Barry Spurr’s emails are written by a was obviously not informed, but the only”. Some think it marks the end of and by the time the name of the winning Romantic Poetry professor in Sydney who, lottery winner, well-respected anonymous a department that, once a year, would academic is announced, I’m one of three after inappropriately sharing a student’s member of the department, eventually entertain the intellectual equivalent of people in the room. assessment adjustment request with sauntered into the pub with the Mark of the clowns you feed balls to at Luna Park, friends and penning “whimsical” racist Cain etched into his moleskin. They no an indiscriminate game of chance, an The subject that won—and here, I remind meditations, resigns and subsequently longer teach at this University. Nor was academic consolation prize for people who you, that the unspoken convention is that exiles himself to Woolloomooloo. The there a second prize draw. Some weeks would otherwise remain unemployed. My the winner of the lottery has a no-holds protagonist of Disgrace, David Lurie, later, I was contacted by the lecturer who interpretation of the department’s silence barred freedom with respect to content is an animal rights proponent who has sent me as their proxy on Facebook, and is different. If you ask me, it’s because but also an obligation to see their subject difficulty adjusting to a new life. Barry after a stilted run of messages, they segued none of this article was true.

1. Pre-1980, the practice of holding course lotteries was common across faculties, and while it is considered not-done to discuss them in public (for fear of trivialising academia more than postmodernism did), an oft-repeated rumour suggests the first Philosophy unit on Marxism—the Franz Ferdinand that split the faculty in two for twenty years—was the product of a particularly unruly junior lecturer winning the lottery. 2. Career advancement is difficult in academia, so young PhD candidates see the lottery as an opportunity to streamline entry into lecturing fulltime, but they’re competing with the lifetimers desperately trying to rediscover their passion in teaching. The result is an ambience that can only be described as ‘testy’. I didn’t win the lottery, which was relieving. Such was the intensity of the stares and the cruelty of the banter in the lead-up to the draw. 3. The departments of English and Philosophy are the only two departments in the Arts faculty that can chart a clear succession of staff to inception; that is, someone teaching now taught with someone who taught with someone (etc obviously), back to 1850. 4. Desperate associate lecturers mill about outside the room, wanting to enter late so their outline rests favourably on the top, but the lottery’s convener4a shoves the lollygaggers’ entries deep into the hat. 4a. Who is an emeritus from another campus (this is how seriously tampering is taken, and cross-campus liaisons prior to the lottery are monitored with an impunity that would make ASIO blush). 5. People are genuinely quiet about what they’re proposing until the postmortem drinks. To put what won into context, I can tell you what I know of the losers. Someone proposed an entire subject on the topic of voyeurism, which he described while unapologetically looking down a peer’s shirt. Another person wanted to focus a subject entirely on texts in translation, as the faculty has previously had a possibly racist reluctance to teach translations, to avoid the dicey problem of authorial intention across languages. Someone else wanted to do a subject about texts featuring clocks. 6 ongoing

Ongoing is a space to give ideas time to develop. Every few weeks we’ll choose a theme and dedicate this page to exploring it. It’s a space not just for stories, but for discussion; if you have a story or want to develop on the theme in any other way please email us: [email protected] Cyber Sex Wanted: Safe Casual Sex, Enquire Within Men’s Opening Isabelle Comber joined Craigslist. Lines on OkCupid always thought Craiglist was some- “Just got home from Stereosonic – looking my dick.” I stopped reading pretty quickly. thing that only existed in American for ANYONE for fun.” Excerpts from Suvarna Isitcoms, a Gumtree-esque service where The only positive of the whole situation Variyar’s OkCupid Account. anything could be posted as an ad. How- As a social experiment, I wanted to see was, thankfully, none of my personal de- ever, it’s alive and well in Australia too, what response I’d get from my own ad. I tails were involved. It seems that the pre- “Hey Indians are exotic! Cool profile btw. and often used to ask for sex. On the conjured up the ultimate sexual fantasy requisite for finding casual sex online is You seem interesting” website, listed under ‘personals’, there’s and posted it, before falling asleep. In the to feel scared, threatened and generally ads for ‘casual encounters’, ‘misc romance’ morning, I woke up to 58 email notifica- preyed upon. I expected an online version “Ok I find you mildly attractive, coffee?” and ‘missed connections’, just to name a tions. Only two were legitimate. The rest of newspaper classifieds; I encountered few. I scrolled through some postings and were slut-shaming threats, casually in- a shit-slinging online space. Avoid at all “You use omegel laughed a little, mainly at one that read, forming me “I’m going to choke you with costs, or look elsewhere for your next fling. Great Boobs I would love to penetrate you”

Sharing isn’t Always Caring “Ur master has arrived on you’re knees or Natalie Czapski on sexting and the law be punished ;p”

e all like to sext, but what can you cases. Under NSW law, it is illegal to pub- took, or distributed, the photos. There are “Damn you have a tight little body.. I do if things turn sour? What rem- lish an ‘indecent article’, or to photograph no legal consequences for sharing them. would go down on you until you were out ediesW do you have if a jilted lover sends someone naked for the purpose of obtain- Meanwhile in Victoria, sharing photos (or of breath from cumming: naked photos of you to their friends, posts ing or enabling another person to gain even just threatening to) – whether or not them online, or uses them to blackmail sexual gratification, without their consent. you actually took them – is illegal. “i love indian women , you dont have to you? reply im just sending this msg to space Stupidly, there is a six-month limit on What if you want to sue? You can’t sue for that’s all” The criminal law doesn’t give you much. commencing proceedings and the clock invasion of privacy. But you may be able Sexting is a new crime and the law hasn’t starts from the date the material was gen- to take someone to court for breach of “Baby I’ll put the long in your long caught up yet. It is a offence under co– erated. If you discover the photos more confidence. It’s rare but earlier this year, an weekend” monwhealth law to menance, harass or than six months after they were tak- ex-lover and geneal fuckwit shared explic- offend someone–maximum three years in en, there isn’t much you can do. Anoth- it photos and videos of his girlfriend with “Hi- how are you? Please go out with me, prison. The law is not about sexting per er shortfall is that charges can only be nearly 300 of his Facebook friends. She please!” se, but it’s been used in a few sext-related brought against the person who originally was awarded nearly $50,000 in damages.

A Gurl’s Guide to Sexting Astha Rajvanshi tells you what’s what.

Advice from friends: Course: iPhone Photography for Beginners in Sexting

“Don’t put your face in it. Or your Finding gendered power relations and socio-cul- 1. Use good lighting Nemo quilt cover.” tural beliefs from earlier patriarchal struc- Your image will be clearer if your, shall we say, ‘subject’ is well lit. Turn on the lights, or tures. However, this study also finds that if possible, shoot outside. You might want to experiment with white balance to fix the “Send pictures of your feet. They’re an as young people are legitimately interested image. Naked people can often look like weird sea creatures so you want to be clever erogenous zone.” in developing their sexuality, issues of con- with shadows. sent and reciprocity must be considered “If you have small breasts lie on your side alongside the exploration of sexual ideas. 2. Get Close to Your Subject to create the illusion of cleavage… or use Thus, sexting becomes an increasingly tak- Images on camera phones tend to be small due to low resolution, so fill up your screen your arms.” en-for-granted, yet problematic, aspect of with your subject to save having to zoom in later. the landscape which young people inhabit. Clothing? “Nah mate, naked at all times.” 3. Keep Still The Tech Geek: This one’s a bit obvious, come on buddy. (One trick is to lean your camera phone against “ ;)” a solid object (like a bed frame, wall, tree) when taking shots.) Wickr: for the classy sexter. Decide how The Gender Studies Major: long a message, sound bite or image dis- 4. Follow the Rules of Composition plays before it self-destructs, be it four For example, the rule of thirds: Don’t place your subject squarely in the middle of your This study describes sexting as a “set of minutes or four days. Perfect for a consid- frame but a third of the way in. But then, also remember that the beauty of a camera practices between young people to en- ered, multi-media phone sex experience. phone is its ability to break all conventions – so shoot from the hip, the floor, up high, hance intimacy and sexual communica- up close (but not too close). tion using digital technologies” (Gill & Snapchat: quick and dirty. Flash an image Harvey 2014). The production, consump- at your partner for up to 10 seconds. Keep 5. Keep Your Lens Clean tion and distribution of sexually explicit the words to a minimum and throw in a iPhones spend a lot of time in filthy pockets and bags, and are out in all kinds of weather. images involves a complex negotiation of few fun emojis. You don’t want an awkward dirt smudge ruining the mood. 7 perspective

The Day I That Was an Ouchy Night Bought an iPhone Lyra Talise is a student and a sex worker.

Elle Triantafillou e lingers in the shower, shouts “I could say something, but I won’t,” last second. conversation around the corner— he says, and tries for what you think is ou send me a text after finding me Hhopeful fragments splintered by the water. probably meant to be a ‘devilish’ smile. You smile—again. Your cheek muscles on Tinder. You call it an “awkward Obliging as ever, you laugh dutifully as feel almost as worn and used as your encounter”.Y We message a little but don’t you sweep the drop sheet off the bed and (It isn’t.) vagina. “Have a great day.” really say anything. I say “wna be snapchat into the corner, slip the condom wrapper friendz?” You say you don’t really use it into the same plastic bag that the condom You giggle, smile again. “Thank you for By the time the door has closed, you’re and that’s ok cause I don’t either, I was just found itself in, and drop that on top of the that,” and you very carefully don’t roll your already halfway down the corridor. Linen asking as a joke. You ask to follow me on sheet. eyes in the industrial-sized wash basket, Instagram. You tag me in a picture from condom bag in the bin. By the time you ~140 weeks ago. The picture has a filter on From the amount of time he spent in As you walk him down the stairs, you make it downstairs to the girl’s room, your it that doesn’t even exist anymore. Kelvin, the shower, you bet he’ll linger in his keep the chatter up. You’ve picked up the phone is telling you it’s 2am on Saturday maybe. I’m drawing on a whiteboard. I’ve underwear, while slipping the belt into bundle of used linen, which always tends morning. drawn a picture of you and next to it I his jeans, so you allow yourself three to dissuade groping for some reason - but have written your name and the word minutes instead of two (one whole minute the hour’s over, and you’re not in the mood Between 10pm on Saturday night and “Employee.” of luxury!) to scrub your body with anti- to deal with innuendos. 8am on Sunday morning, you’ve had bacterial sanitiser. vaginal intercourse with nine different I think about catching the Megabus from “I had a great time,” he tells you just after people. Of those, five have violated your San Antonio to Houston and how these With the towel you’d put on the floor as you press the buzzer for the front door. no-kissing rule (and two have violated it people were 10mins late and how the bus a shower mat, you wipe down the walls twice). You’ve had four requests for anal driver wouldn’t let them on in accordance and floor. Stoop to take up his towel from “I’m really glad to hear that.” intercourse, and had to turn down three with the Megabus company policy even where it lies discarded and throw the pile offers of cocaine. There’s an extra $1210 in though the bus was kinda stuck in the down on top of that drop sheet. “Maybe I’ll come back some time and see your wallet. carpark’s traffic and letting them on would you. When are you working next?” have made no difference whatsoever to You’re dressed before him, but linger You catch the train home braless and in our arrival time. The kids sitting in front deliberately on your heels so he doesn’t have “Not sure,” you say with a smile. “But if sweatpants. You’re five minutes late for of me started talking about the passengers the chance to engage in more conversation you call up, I’m sure they’ll let you know.” your sociology lecture the next day. who were unjustly stranded and the little (or, God forbid, more touching), and as girl said something like those customers soon as he’s finished with his shoes, you At this point, thankfully, the buzzer goes are angry and the little boy said something flash a smile and a “so would you like to go off, and you push the door open. He goes like nah, not customers, people. out the front or the back?” in for a kiss, and you turn your cheek at the This is an Article About Squirting

Victoria Zerbst researched her ejaculate.

pull out a fresh packet of garbage bags in an abundant ‘gushing’ stream and, sure, any studies? Then ironically, last year in orgasm’– not the “squirting” investigated from the drawer next to my bed. I rip it can ‘squirt’; squirt up or squirt down, Britain, depictions of female ejaculation in Salama’s paper. ‘Squirting’, however, is Iopen the plastic seal with my teeth, slowly squirt in different directions (depending were censored. a bed-wetting tsunami: ‘urine diluted with pulling out two bags like a strip tease. I on the placement of hands). And I still substances from the female prostate.’ I was alluringly smooth them onto the bed and don’t know how special it is because The British Board of Film Classification unimpressed with this conclusion. drape a large, Hello Kitty towel across the people don’t really talk about it. I possibly has a stick up its ass but won’t let you watch top. And only then I am ready to have sex talk about it too much. how it got there. Fisting, face-sitting and I keep asking myself what it means now with my boyfriend. female ejaculation are out. The female that my ejaculate contains quite a lot of I have always been thirsty for answers, orgasm won’t be represented because it’s piss. I also wonder how many guys feel This pre-coital ceremony is certainly less but never lucky. Sexologists Masters and too reminiscent of urolagnia—a sexual embarrassed by the chemical breakdown of than glamorous, but it’s much better than Johnson said female ejaculation wasn’t fetish with a focus on urine. Peeing on their cum. Sex with me was like a mystical sleeping on the floor after I’ve soaked a legit thing because they didn’t find people is out too. In porn semen is always hike through an enchanted wood and at through both sides of my mattress. any evidence of women doing it in their so in your face, how could they ban my the end you find the waterfall. Now even sample of 100 women. There wasn’t even squirting vagina? Hello Kitty finds it hard to romanticise a Three months ago I would have promised any research into the scientific breakdown waterfall of wizz. you that the stain on my bed wasn’t pee. of female ejaculate until 1982. I’ve done Then, as vaginas around the world became It can kinda smell like pee, the towel can a lot of research, or as much as possible the centre of censorship and controversy definitely smell like pee, but I would have given how little interest the scientific I finally started getting some answers. convinced you that it was not, in fact, pee. community has in my vagina. I found French gynaecologist Samuel Salama ‘It comes out clear,’ I would assure you. theories that female ejaculation was a published a study in January 2015 about ‘It’s like a clear, stickyish fluid’, I would myth; I found long threads about how women’s bladders before and after they say; ‘It comes out of a different hole! I to make it happen on AskMen.com. I squirt. Ultrasounds revealed full bladders promise!.’ used to scour the Female Ejaculation before, and empty bladders after. Not good Wikipedia page for information, back news for the guys who have swallowed a I guess I am what pop culture calls ‘a when there were only six references; now significant amount of my ejaculate. squirter’. When it first happened I thought there are over 105 and counting. I was broken. I spent years ignoring it and According to Beverley Whipple, a wishing it wouldn’t happen. I used to wonder why female ejaculation neurophysiologist from Rutgers University, was such a neglected mystery. Why didn’t female ejaculation now only refers to ‘the Sometimes when I orgasm it comes out anyone talk about it and why weren’t there small amount of milky white liquid at 8 perspective Seeing The Light

Marcus James hates(but not really) Peter Hook.

eter Hook played at the Metro men whooped and cried with beer bellies a (very good) cover band. Hook certainly The Perfect Kiss. The crowd was sweaty and recently and the truth is he can’t sing. stretching the Union Jacks on their Joy has the legal right to do covers but the singing, intoxicated by the memory of PThe former Joy Division and New Order Division shirts, raising their Heineken question of moral right is trickier. hearing these songs a thousand times over bassist barked out tunes from the old days, cans to the man whose music has kept and finally seeing them live: it is relatively including New Order’s third and fourth them going. Here was a guy who was good In all honesty, I felt almost guilty rare that the Madchester sound reaches albums—Low-Life and Brotherhood—in friends and colleagues with Joy Division’s succumbing to what one could describe our shores. But this again relied on the their entirety. Sweaty and gruff, he was Ian Curtis—a completely enchanting as Hook’s extortion; a feeling which grew audience’s collective memory, and perhaps like a drunk old man wailing about his figure whose brooding energy was cut with the disparity between my image of exploitation of this doting image, for the heyday. short by his suicide in 1980. Hook and the one standing before me. performance itself was not exceptional. “Ian’s long dead and Sumner’s run off. Sumner’s almost camp singing gave New Hook’s Australian tour performing Joy However as the gig opened with Joy Well there’s still some money to be made,” Order the pop edge grounding its often Division and New Order covers as front Division’s Atmosphere, it became apparent said the new Hook in my head. mish-mashed influences, but Hook was man for The Light is essentially a big Hook lacked the dark but delicate power more like a stern general leading the ‘fuck you’ to former bandmates Bernard of Curtis’ voice and had substituted it He is merely one member of Joy Division Metro crowd in karaoke. Sumner and Stephen Morris, with whom with a shallow anger. Where Curtis’ words and New Order, and it is uncommon for Hook is involved in ongoing court battles linger and shift cloud-like in Atmosphere, split bands to play former songs. Today’s Yes, it was kind of fun, but it wasn’t right. after he was allegedly dumped from Hook stood aggressively in wide stance New Order rarely plays pre-2000s New New Order behind his back in 2011. with a growl and harsh crescendo into Order tracks let alone Joy Division. Yet It will probably never be right. The notion Yet beneath a definite vitriol in some of the song’s climax—“people like you find it on the other hand, Hook was a crucial that Hook may be exploiting our memory Hook’s performance was a deeper sense easy”—as if to point a vengeful finger at member who wrote many songs and of Joy Division and New Order niggles of reminiscence. Hook was obviously his former bandmates. provided a unique bass sound for bands away at me. Star power and the memory enjoying himself, as were the audience built around bass riffs. At the end of the of an audience is a funny thing. But unlike who were just happy to be in the presence To Peter Hook and The Light’s credit, the day, Hook says he wants to play and sing other bands that have split and achieved of a living relic from the Madchester scene. scores were classics and well executed. A and it makes him happy so he does it. continued success (notably Morrissey point of pride and solidarity for Hook is post-Smiths), Hook lacks charisma. He The atmosphere as such was neither here the fact he plays the old songs because This happiness emerged in upbeat New does not charm the audience like a front nor there, but rather floating around they’re the ones he loves to play and the Order covers, displaying Hook’s musicality man should. between the two currents of past and audience loves to hear. and house influences. New Order searched present. That is, Hook’s legacy as a for the ultimate pop sound and several The Metro loved him, but it was Hook musician and his failure as a front man. But the division between performing times they found it. But did Peter Hook the bassist, Hook the friend of Ian beloved tunes and simply cashing in on and The Light find it? Well, yes and no. Curtis, Hook the Hacienda DJ, Hook the Hook’s arrival revved up the audience past successes is uncomfortably close and musician that we loved him for. I loved the like football hooligans. The respect and gut wrenching for a fan. While Hook is an The Metro lit up with iconic anthems gig because it was Peter Hook, but I also love for him was clear. Middle-aged original member, The Light is nothing but Thieves Like Us, Bizarre Love Triangle and hated it because I knew it was different. Wasting Away

Nina Matsumoto wants you to waste less.

billion tonnes. That’s thebecause of minor weight of ‘The Mountain’ from cosmetic issues such 1.3Game of Thrones—if he was cloned as spotting. This 6,842,195,263.16 times. It’s also one of policy no doubt those numbers, like the US deficit, or helps to explain Gangam Style’s total youtube hits, so estimates that fruit large that it seems almost meaningless. and vegetables are 1.3 billion tonnes is the amount of food responsible for 85% of the wasted food people waste every year—equivalent to mass in large supermarkets. Camembert is my soft cheese of choice”. Do: Buy UHT milk. It keeps for ever one third of all food produced globally. longer in the fridge. Finally, as clichéd as it may sound, Tips to cut down on food wastage: We waste a staggering 45% of all fruit and consumers need to change their own Do: Freeze EVERYTHING. Meat keeps vegetables produced annually, and 20% of behaviour. Do: Sydneysiders are lucky to have access for 6-8 months in the freezer. As a side all meat. That’s equivalent to raising 75 to Harris Farm Markets’ imperfect food tip: defrost your meat in the fridge, not on million cattle, just to slaughter them for In Australia, consumers waste around program. Under this program, fruit and the bench, to avoid giving yourself food no reason. Adding insult to injury, this 20% of all food they purchase, at a cost vegetables that didn’t pass aesthetic quality poisoning. waste occurs as almost a billion people go of close to $1000 per household each control are sold in-store and online at a without sufficient food. year. And young people (aged 18-24) substantial discount. Don’t: Think that dumpster diving will have been identified as some of the worst solve the problem, you self-righteous Some food waste has an obvious fix. It offenders, wasting an average of $25 worth Do: Get better at storing your fresh fruit fuckwit. By all means fish in skip bins to turns out that humans aren’t the only of food each week. That means you: law and vegetables. Gelpck produce “Fresh your heart’s content, we’re all adults here things subjected to unrealistic beauty student whose hands are hovering above and Crisp” vegetable bags which can help and you probably deserved the gastro standards—most supermarkets and stores the lid of the garbage bin with half of the you keep your produce fresh for up to three anyway. have an ‘aesthetic wastage policy’, under taste baguette you just bought but don’t weeks, and are available at Woolworths which fruits and vegetables are discarded want because “there’s Brie on this, but and Coles.

9 arts & culture

Pretending Not to Hear Me

Angela Collins, Patrick Morrow, Riki Scanlan, Elle Triantafillou,and Laura Webster discuss Belvoir’s Kill the Messenger - by Mount Druitt’s Answer to Lena Dunham, Nakkiah Lui.

Nakkiah Lui’s Kill the Messenger has been billed as a “game changer” for black theatre. The show centres around three stories which constitute a direct attack on institutional racism and its agents—including the Belvoir audience. Paul hangs himself to escape cancer, after being profiled and turned away from hospital on suspicion of morphine addiction; Lui’s grandmother dies from lethal injuries arising from a fall through rotten floorboards—the result of the Aboriginal Housing Company’s unwillingness to make good on promised maintenance; Nakkiah herself struggles to move the people in her life, and audiences, to be affected by these injustices. But does she manage it?

LW: I really like the roughness of the Torres Strait Islander suffering. the narratives: at the core is the story of LW: That left me unsure with what to show. Rather than a 90 minute, neat Paul, which exists within a simple square do with this play - I was drawn in by the and tidy piece of theatre, Lui gives you a PM: All that said, an orthodoxly staged of light cast on the stage, while brighter narrative events, but was cut off by Lui’s glimpse into our world, our suffering, our piece of contemporary theatre at Belvoir and larger lit spaces denote each degree narrative interjections. It disjoints the pain...and asks what are you going to do can only be so affecting. Everything from of distance until we are almost under full explorations of institutionalised racism with it? its aisles and seating to the foyer and box house lights. Here, we are removed from that were meant to tie the piece together. office have been ritualised by patrons. Paul’s narrative, but Nakkiah addresses the This is an attempt at provocative theatre, RS: Mainstream society believes that the While you might expect the standard post- audience directly. but it seems premature, as if the narrative traumas of Indigenous history lie in the show motions after the latest rehash of and structure were still being fleshed out past. In light of that, the “unfinished” Chekhov or Brecht, to watch the audience AC: I don’t know that I liked those on stage, to the detriment of her message. nature of Kill the Messenger recognises that mill around the very same way after Kill addresses - the monologues and Australia, white and black, is not done The Messenger - an open provocation scenes between she and her boyfriend PM: The degree to which this play with wounds inflicted on the Aboriginal and call to action – suggests that the play seemed indulgent (albeit humorous was about Nakkiah really reached an people. Lui recognises that the crux of broadly failed in its demands. I don’t think and enjoyable). The weaving of her obnoxious crescendo in that sickening, Indigenous oppression lies in institutional people listened. grandmother’s story, Paul’s story and her final gesture of anointing the dying Paul. racism, not the acts of individuals. She own experiences elevated her own status It left me feeling angry, sure, but it was does not excuse those individuals—they ET: But Lui knows her audience is to that of a principal character, rather than as much at an egotistical playwright as are interrogated and their answers never sensitive to indigenous issues in a way that storyteller. I heard the play being billed as it was at the story of institutional racism seem sufficient—but we sympathise. is both empathetic and voyeuristic, and “Mt. Druitt’s response to Lena Dunham” she persistently intervened in, which is with the closing lines “You wanted this. and, like Dunham’s character in Girls, probably an indictment of me. LW: The commoditisation and fetishisation You paid for this. And I’m giving it to you. Lui writes about herself, and stars in her of stories of oppression, suffering and Please take it” Kill The Messenger came own scenes, a little too much for comfort. ET: Lui admits she’s an unreliable racism permeate Lui’s writing. That together for me and I understood what I think her scenes detracted from the narrator, discussing things that she’s on the was clearest in lines like “You can’t keep Lui was trying to do all along. revolutionary quality she tried to instil in one hand been shown and on the other, pretending not to hear me” – I think it was the play. It comes off as a muddle of highly actually experienced. We might not know the most poignant line the show, for me, RS: Lighting Designer Katie Sfetkidis affecting scenes hindered by another, what to do with the stories we’ve been and it highlights the most frustrating and works with those degrees of voyeurism fluffier, domestic narrative. given but, then again, neither does she. demeaning cornerstone of Aboriginal and and creates clear distinctions between Things You Don’t Need

Anonymous reviews 2015’s ACCESS showbag.

If you’re suffering from OWFOMO back the line about forests being destroyed A flyer advertising Boost Mobile’s reasonable Festival. I just transferred to an arts degree, (O-Week Fear of Missing Out), I’m here and say instead that these notebooks have deals on data recharges, which is pointless so this is probably the only meaningful to inoculate you. As you may know, the inherited the bad karma of the forests because it is not as cheap as Yatango. future on my horizon. price of ACCESS cards has decreased their parent-notebooks destroyed, much from Utterly Bankrupting to I Guess I like how my Grandfather fought for the A “free” (except you paid ~$80 for this A flyer that claims to be a $200 voucher for Could Lease An Organ Out. The benefit wrong side in WW2. I look forward to bag of stuff ) map of YHA hostels in textbooks but actually has many expensive of buying a new ACCESS card this letting these notebooks collect dust until Australia, which is like receiving a map of terms and conditions. Also contains the year was that I got to pick up another my parents landfill them when I eventually couchsurfing opportunity on your parents’ confusing phrase “receive $200 worth of showbag of sponsored detritus. Here is a move out of home. street. Contains cheerful but vague free textbooks”. comprehensive guide to that detritus. information about YHA hostels, like “has Twenty bags of “Passion Raspberry” an excellent ratio of showers and toilets A novel called The Hope We Seek by Rich A calico bag with a picture of a corn with a flavoured Lipton tea, which is more to guest numbers”, without providing the Shapero, which is packed with a soundtrack unicorn horn on it, which fills the USU’s passion than I’ve had my entire life. actual ratio or any quantifiable definition on CD. The blurb describes it as an “epic quota of generic visual puns about horny of “excellent”. force and seductive allegory” and also says students for the year. A postcard that you can plant and grow into something about finding meaning in life. a flower while it peacefully biodegrades, A flyer advertising the Future Music The plot is about mining which is strange Two hipster notebooks. Notebook #1 is A4, which I posted self-addressed. Will report considering the bag’s focus on spiral-bound, with minimalist drawings of on the quality of the flower in 4-6 weeks. recycling, until you realise Rich twigs as cover art, to remind users of the Will not let the quality of the flower distract Shapero paid for his book to be forests destroyed in the production of the me from the pressing environmental issues inserted and the USU’s values notebooks. You’ll probably draw idly in it not solved by biodegradable novelties. are cash negotiable. while not listening to your lectures. There are no margins, but one could always A Broadway Shopping Centre directory that A bottle of Wasabi flavoured add them with a ruler. Notebook #2 is promotes consumerism while demanding in Mayonnaise, which has the smaller, has a pleasing matte white cover no uncertain terms that you “be you”. The consistency of a plastic bag full (same twig motif ), and blank pages in a first 500 students to be themselves enough of salt water and tastes similar. creamy stock. I have just discovered both to visit the centre’s customer service desk notebooks are 100% recycled, so I’ll take get a free Hoyts movie ticket. 10 what’s on

City of Sydney has a bunch of rehearsal spaces that are free for students Is free and school groups. rehearsal Search ‘rehearsal space’ space on cityofsydney.nsw.gov.au music to find out more. to your ears? profile

Twelve Rehabs, Twenty-Three Detoxes and Three Deaths

Sophie Gallagher interviews Rayya Elias

ayya Elias has been clean since 1997. very hard. I hid it for the longest time. I The Syrian-American lesbian is an ex- was with a guy for like seven years because Rjunkie, an ex-con, a post-punk rocker and a I loved him and I thought I could do it. I hairdresser, who has experienced everything just couldn’t anymore. That was one of the from homelessness to record and book deals. In biggest reasons why I had to move to New 2013, spurred on by her best friend Elizabeth York, because I realised it was somewhere Gilbert of Eat, Pray, Love fame, she wrote I could be free. It was very shameful, I had Harley Loco: A Memoir of Hard Living, mohawk in a bathroom at a club called to keep it to myself for years, and a lot of Hair, and Post-Punk, from the Middle Todd’s, and that was it. People started the drug use came behind that, trying to East to the Lower East Side. Here, she tells calling me, like his friends, saying we want hide and not feel uncomfortable in my Honi about her life of extremes. this and we want that. I just found that own skin. That was a way of numbing out I could do it, and I was being paid $5 a the edges and being able to dissipate into haircut in my basement. I thought, “God, who I thought was me. this is something I can do seamlessly”. So I dropped out of University, went to HS: What made you want to come back? hairdressing school, and I loved it. RE: I had woken up after basically trying HS: While you studied hairdressing, did to kill myself after a lot of drugs in one you also pursue your music? shot, and I couldn’t do it correctly. I just remember looking around and thinking, HS: You immigrated to America from RE: I was in beauty school, and I was ‘oh my god, this is what my life looks like?’ Syria when you were seven years old. going to punk-a-billy clubs, because HS: Have rebellion and addiction been This thing that started happening out of What was different about America, and punk-a-billy was really happening then, significant themes in your life? being an artist, and partying and being what challenges did you face? and in hairdressing school everyone was social, has only ever landed me in one gay, into music, into fashion. So I feel RE: Absolutely. But the biggest theme place, and that’s on a bathroom floor or in RE: The first and biggest challenge for like that was the border that took me I think, underneath that, was feeling a room, alone, with a needle on my arm me was that I didn’t speak English when over into the techno, new-wave and post- uncomfortable. When I am uncomfortable, and shit all over the place. And it’s funny, I moved to Detroit. I was born in Syria because after 12 rehabs and 23 detoxes in 1960, and it was pretty lavish there. I also remember being at the Area club, standing in between and jail and institutions and three deaths, I We had money; we were Christian Arabs Andy Warhol and John Cage and doing drugs off the bar. didn’t need to go anywhere. I just basically and not Muslim Arabs. In the late 1960s, picked myself up, shook myself off and nationalisation started and they were going punk club scene in Detroit. I saw bands I am rebellious. When I am uncomfortable, took about a week’s worth of Vicoden to take my father’s land, so he decided to that were really cool but could hardly play. I get loud. When I am uncomfortable, I just to get rid of the ache of withdrawing, move to Detroit. It was great, but I was Like I remember seeing U2 one time at get really raunchy. Growing up, that was started going to meetings and got clean. always the darkest one in the room. So this small little biker bar called Harpo’s in the only way to deal with it, as most know. it was very chaotic, and not speaking downtown Detroit, and they could hardly HS: Reflecting on your life, what message the language amplified everything by a play their instruments but they sounded HS: Can you share with us some of your have you lived by? thousand. amazing because they were just kind of most vivid memories of New York? making noise. So we would get bands RE: The constant message in my life HS: Why did you move from Detroit to together where we had the same musical RE: Oh god, so many. I remember being back then was you’re a fuck-up, get over New York? taste, nobody knew how to play, but we homeless. I remember sleeping on a park it, be more, be strong, be bold, be brave. just used to like hanging out together and bench. I also remember being at the Area And now, it’s you are enough. Be bold, be RE: I moved to New York in my 20s. I make sound, make noise. Pretty soon, we club, standing in between Andy Warhol brave, be strong, be love. It’s the opposite was already very rebellious, which was the all kind of learnt how to play together. I and John Cage and doing drugs off the bar. message, but it’s still the same. reason I moved there. I always say that found that that was my love. I remember doing the hair for an Armani New York was the city of lost souls; I felt show at the Armoury, and then running Rayya Elias will be in conversation with like such a lost soul at the time and such down copping dope on the Lower East Elizabeth Gilbert in ‘Sex, Drugs & Hair’ at an outcast. I fit right into the scene in Side and going to a shooting gallery with the All About Women Festival. The event will New York, but that was the scene that I a woman that had no teeth. I paid her five be held at the Sydney Opera House, Sunday 8 chose: the punk rock music and art scene. bucks to go in and use. The juxtaposition March at 10am. The chaos always followed me around, or I of the memories covers a wide spectrum of brought it with me. I went headfirst right it all back in the ’80s. into it. HS: What was life like at those low points, HS: Back to Detroit. How did you and what were you feeling? discover your knack for hairdressing? RE: I wasn’t. I was doing everything in my RE: In Detroit in 1979, I was playing power not to feel. I went out of my way to in a band, and this kid came up to me completely exorcise feeling from my mind, wanting a mohawk. He had knicked HS: In Harley Loco, you write about my heart, my body, and that’s the whole these clippers from his parents, and I realising that you were a lesbian. Did thing. That’s why, unless we have been refused. He was like, “Come on man, you struggle to come to terms with your literally taken to the end, we usually don’t everyone knows how to cut a Mohawk. sexuality? come back unless we really want to. Not I know you could do a really good job.” because we have to, because we want to. So I plugged them in and gave my first RE: Being from a Syrian family, it was 12 arts & culture

Leigh Nicholson takes a trip to an intergalactic penal colony and reviews Bitch Planet, an exploitation comic without the misogyny.

You know a comic is going to be good kicks Kurt Russel’s ass, does all her own guess what we call ‘a Bitch’. And once Tasha Fierce, tearing into the greater need when it’s billed as ‘Margaret Atwood stunts. Frank Miller’s Sin City comics are you get a bunch of angry, non-compliant for intersectionality and the dilution of meets Inglorious Bastards’. Also, the title a pretty good self-critical homage to old women in a planet-sized prison (the the term ‘feminist’. is pretty catchy. Bitch Planet is the latest exploitation comics, by including diverse tagline for Issue 1 is “Girl Gangs…Caged series from comic writers Kelly Sue range of characters, each with their own and Enraged!”), the next logical step is The essays are great way of injecting DeConnick and Valentine De Landro. It’s headlining stories. But on the other hand, for the inmates to become subjects of discussion into a type of media that an angry mix of sci-fi and feminism, set Robert Rodriguez’s film remakes were an a fighting, Hunger Game-esque reality is often seen as insubstantial. Each in a future where ‘non-compliant’ women excellent example of how a guy can screw show, which is inevitably where the story contributes a different perspective to the are sent to the prison planet Auxiliary up what could have been an empowering ends up going. comic panels that you read prior. I imagine Compliance Outpost, aka, ‘Bitch Planet’. and pro-sex-worker flick. For example, that there are a lot of people reading Bitch What hooked me, is its brutal satire of old he sidelined a lot of the women and gave In an interview with I09, Kelly Sue Planet who don’t pick up what DeConnick exploitation comics and film – that genre them less control in his films than they DeConnick suggested that Bitch Planet and De Landro intend to do, or wouldn’t of ‘50s, ’60s and ’70s media which appealed had in the comics. was born out of a similar conflict to the one until they read the critical reflections at to the misogynistic mix of ‘damsel in I felt with exploitation films. DeConnick the back. I spoke to Tasha Fierce about distress’ and violence, where “women in It is these numerous failures that make was fan of the old exploitation films when this and she agreed. “If you don’t get that the prison” was its own form. And unlike other Bitch Planet all the more a success. Its she was younger, but she was horrified to comic is rooted in feminist ideology, the essay representations that have briefly touched objective is made pretty clear in the first re-watch them as an adult and realise how at the end smacks you in the face with it”. on reclaiming that media, the majority of prison scene. All of the women lined up, sexist and racist they were. The comic She pointed out that women being behind the characters in this comic are women of nude. The reader is introduced to Penny, a became her attempt to still enjoy the genre. the comic make it inherently subversive colour. massive woman with the words “Born Big” and “the fact that the essay is kind of snuck in tattooed on her arm. When she is handed The comic she created has the themes of at the end contributes to its subversiveness”. I have always been conflicted by my love prison clothes that are obviously too small, old exploitation media, but with enough It could have even more of an impact if of Quentin Tarantino films and Frank she shoves them back. She’s hit by a male tongue-in-cheek satire for it to be clear the reader had missed that aspect of it Miller comics. Both are self-aware guard, but in retaliation, lays an uppercut to most people what is happening. In the first time around. Fierce hopes that reproductions of old exploitation media. on him powerful enough to knock his old exploitation films, women are often “maybe they’ll go back and read it again with But both also come at a price: the ‘satirical’ helmet off and screams “Where’m I supposed nude in dehumanising or unnecessary new eyes”. exploitation is always being done by white to put my tits?”. situations; kind of like Jane Fonda in male writers/directors at the expense of Barbarella but with more violence. Bitch When I told Fierce about my conflict in exploited minorities. Tarantino’s Jackie The comic is set in a dystopic and violently Planet has similar amounts of nudity but indulging in exploitation media as a queer Brown was one of his first exploitation- patriarchal sci-fi world where it takes it is done purposefully. In an interview woman, she admitted herself to also be a inspired films. The protagonist is a boss very little to get a woman imprisoned with Wired, DeConnick said “I’m OK with fan of Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez- woman of colour who ultimately fucks on Bitch Planet. In this universe, any the reader being uncomfortable with nudity, including Jackie Brown and the Machete over everyone who is trying to fuck her strong, empowered woman is guilty of a but I don’t want the reader to be deliberately series. “I think it’s possible to appreciate over. Except a lot of his later films have crime: failure to be ‘compliant’. “Follicular aroused by it”. some aspects of work that are great while some pretty horrendous race politics. Mutilation” – shaving your hair – is enough acknowledging other aspects are problematic. Death Proof – my favourite of the genre - to land you on Bitch Planet. It’s a crime Each Bitch Planet issue comes stocked That’s life in general,” she said. “But you is a great example of how those directors awfully reminiscent of the horrifying, but with a double page mini-essay at the have to balance that with holding media- can sometimes get it right. Death Proof very real, ‘diagnoses’ that used to land back on a particular feminist topic. Issue makers accountable”. is made eons better when you know that women in asylums in the ‘50s. “Mania”, 2 comes with a bit written by the self- Zoe Bell, the New Zealand woman who “hysteria” and “woman disease” – now I proclaimed “unapologetic, black feminist”

13 feature Letting Your Hair Down

Sam Langford and William Edwards on the arbitrary limitations of body hair.

“You pluck your chest, your legs, and your gay scene pigeonhole. A young man in a ments, “because I feel that body hair while predicated upon the rejection of arms, and your dick has a neatly trimmed small town, he’s keenly intelligent, preco- should be more accepted. There is defi- artificiality in male bodies, there is still fringe of hairs around it. You do all this, La- cious, and more than a little cheeky. He’s nitely a twink ‘dominance’ on the scene, dominant standard of sorts; an ideal way bienus, for your girlfriend. Who doesn’t know confident enough to readily admit that he where the smooth body is portrayed as to be natural. All bears are equal, but some that? But for whom, Labienus, do you depil- “like[s] being hairy and find[s] it sexy”, but sexy whereas body hair is often vilified.” are more equal than others. There’s a wide- ate your asshole?” realised a while ago that self-acceptance ly recognised stereotype that dominates: wasn’t enough – with the exception of his The desire to rage against the dominance think middle-aged with a beer gut and a - Martial, Roman poet and dirty-minded experience with a rare supportive partner, of frustrating standards is, like the stand- luscious fur coat (relax, PETA, it’s grown gronk, 1st Century AD he “would have to shave to get sex”. ards themselves, familiar to women also. from one’s own skin). The difference in gay men’s community istory doesn’t record Labienus’s re- ATC provides a blunt list of the areas of is, perhaps, that the hairless twink is not While for some this comes naturally, like sponse to Martial’s loaded question, his body he shaves: “chest, stomach, ass dominant in all circles. From your non- with twinkhood, many men aren’t predis- Hbut it doesn’t matter – we all know the an- and lower back hair.” He also trims his male reporter’s experience, a hairy coun- posed to certain traits (in this case, weight swer. The implicit link between depilation pubes. This list of concessions to an unfair terculture among women is peripheral and gain and considerable hirsuteness). Per- and a predilection for being penetrated aesthetic was familiar to both reporters difficult to access except in niche, usually haps carelessly, also, these qualities are ex- has survived 1900 years. Even if Martial’s – to your non-male reporter, it felt like a queer spaces. Women’s body hair is often plicitly associated with masculinity, which brand of linguistic whimsy has faded from is highly valued within the subculture. It’s popular usage, body hair removal remains “ATC provides a blunt list of the areas of his body he shaves: an ironically artificial standard of mascu- commonplace among men who have sex ‘chest, stomach, ass and lower back hair.”’ linity, given how many men naturally don’t with men. meet it. continuation of a familiar conversation I talked about, but rarely openly celebrated. Enter the twink, which for the uninitiat- have daily with women. Fellow hairy crusaders are a rare delight to All this said, it’s difficult to attribute ide- ed is a typically slender, youthful, rather stumble across. as to bears as a group. It’s not like there’s hairless gay man. It’s an ideal that is, like Most familiar was his sense of annoyance an international organisation for all bears. most stereotypes, more fiction than fact, with the way body hair is such an easy tar- Not so for gay men. Bears (subculture, not We found the next best thing, though, in and serves mainly to shoehorn a group get for public commentary. ATC’s close animal) reject the anti-weight, anti-ag- talking to Evan Cannan, President of Syd- of people into an uncomfortably limited friends have commented that they “don’t ing, anti-hair products and services (once ney’s Harbour City Bears (HCB). role. For many, including our Anonymous think they’d be able to have sex” with marketed exclusively to women) now em- Twink Correspondent, the hairless aes- him if his body hair was “natural or even braced by many other gay men, instead HCB is a not-for-profit community thetic involved does not come naturally. trimmed”. Unsolicited comments are reg- celebrating and encouraging going au nat- group for hairy gay men, their admirers, ular, especially on apps like Grindr. urale. and friends. Despite our apprehensions Anonymous Twink Correspondent (ATC) about the bear community idolising a sin- has, of course, a whole life outside of his “It annoys me,” ATC says of these com- The subculture is of course imperfect— gle body-type, Cannan describes HCB as

14 feature

diverse. “You’ve got bears, muscle bears, porn in shaping the standards and expec- the result is that contemporary viewers Aesthetics are paramount in contempo- cubs, otters, chubs, chasers, and just a few tations of the community today. One of gets off on how the actors look while rary gay pornography, and this emphasis other labels… You’ve got your leather your faithful reporters did a deep dive into fucking, not how they feel. Consider some flows over into gay community through bears as well, and then you’ve got your ad- forty years of gay pornographic history, of the positions seen in any kind of porn: the hyper-sexual bars and clubs that still mirers which can be heterosexual couples. and returned with an explanation of how do they look at all comfortable, or do they form a large portion of gay community We’ve got some female members in the we got to this point. least obstruct your view of the “right” body spaces. Invisible rules declare body hair club as well, and I know of two heterosex- parts? acceptable only in certain contexts; as nov- ual couples that are members.” Here’s the crash course you never knew elty, or within a subculture, or in mutual you needed: from the 1970s onwards, gay Perhaps the most obvious proof of this is exclusion with sexual desirability. This diversity is likely a cause of another of pornography experienced major stylistic the actors themselves. Body hair exempli- HCB’s qualities, one often associated with shifts. Most films transitioned from longer fies the issue. Entirely untrimmed pubic These arbitrary limits are real and restric- the bear community in general. It’s been narratives to ignorable framing plots, from hair, once standard in gay porn, is almost a tive, but perhaps the biggest problem is said that bears are simply nicer than their dimmer lighting which cast parts of ac- novelty. Hair on many other areas, such as that they are insidious. While gay men’s slimmer, smoother, often younger coun- tors’ bodies in shadow to a radiant glare, the anus and chest, is usually only kept if community might have the established terparts. “It’s a friendlier environment, it’s from insinuating that gay sex is inherent- it’s sparse or fair. Even more telling is how hairy subculture that women’s community not a threatening environment,” Cannan ly sordid (and using shame to arouse) to this is represented in pornographic mar- craves, it lacks the kind of public dialogue says of HCB, adding that people don’t taking it for granted, from exponentially keting, where hairlessness is the unmarked that is afforded to women. Heteronor- “feel like they’re that piece of meat in the briefer cuts (one popular film featured 39 butcher’s window.” That feeling—a result cuts over 1 minute) to more protracted sex “While gay men’s community might have the established hairy of the arguably hyper-sexual atmosphere scenes, from being viewed in sticky-seat- subculture that women’s community craves, it lacks the kind of of many gay male venues and events—isn’t ed public theatres to sticky-keyboarded public dialogue that is afforded to women.” an uncommon complaint among gay men, home computers, from being a stimulant and bears won’t bear it. for cruising to a masturbatory aid. norm, while the presence of hairy actors is mative standards mean the conversation explicitly flagged in titles and trailers. about gay men’s body hair is suppressed The bear community provides something These earlier techniques are united in that Gary*, a gay pornographic actor, has per- – removed from both the general pub- of a safe harbour from the mainstream they arouse the viewer through their sense sonally felt the effects of this situation. lic’s eye as well as the gay mainstream. gay community’s expectations. It’s argua- of empathy. According to writer and aca- “I’m very hairy but not really beary,” he The pressures that exist surrounding gay bly better than the relative dearth of such demic Daniel Harris: “Pornographers be- says, displaying a proclivity for rhyme men’s body hair are awful, but even more community for women, but it remains lieved they were filming two people, not in your reporters think would be a splendidly so is the fact that they so often go without nonetheless a subculture and a minority the act of fucking, but of merging… Sex funny addition to porn. “I started my ca- public interrogation. That’s not to say that within a minority. For those without ac- was supposed to effect a mystical union of reer not doing anything to [the hair]. One no-one is talking about it, but the conver- cess to groups like HCB, the hyper-sexual lovers whose spiritual integration in the day I tried shaving and I remember at the sation is anything but loud. spaces often at the core of gay socialisation heat of passion was represented aestheti- next shoot, my director was shocked. He remain problematic as ever. In particular, cally by actively confusing their bodies…” said, ‘but that’s what set you apart from my It may be worth taking a leaf out of Mar- it seems that the centring of sex in these other actors.’” tial’s book. We all know for whom we spaces is a large part of the problem. In contrast, the techniques which are depilate our assholes (or the rest of our widespread today arouse the viewer At face value, this seems like acceptance, bodies), but perhaps it’s high time that we Talking about that centring of sex means, through their sense of sight. The reasons but in reality it only adds another lim- asked ourselves why. inevitably, talking about porn. Both Can- for this change are many and complex – ited role to the short list of acceptable nan and ATC acknowledge the role of gay part technological, part sociological – but parts hairy gay men are permitted to play. *Names have been changed

15 perspective

Where to Eat Alone on Campus

Louisa Studman is lonely.

Cadigal Green lunchtime sunburn, so you can maintain but the amount of solipsism on display your healthy computer screen glow. means you can slot yourself between and The ergonomic chairs are a treat for your among anyone and never be noticed at scoliosis and the way they angle you, 35° Vice Chancellor’s Garden all. There, nestled between the beautiful to the ground, makes you feel as if you’re people, you can sit around and watch the a spaceperson, millions of miles from the The VC’s Garden is a little space tucked ibises rustle, safe from bird attack. Bear nearest human being—which I guess is away in the back of the main quad. Ru- witness to the lost souls on Eastern Ave- figuratively true of your situation now. mour has it the man himself seeks refuge nue and revel in your misanthropy. in its shady embrace, hand on a tree’s International Student Lounge trunk, looking outward into the sky, im- Literally anywhere agining the life where he didn’t stop play- Beanbags are a prime choice for those ing guitar. In the grand scale of the universe we are lunching alone. No one can sit beside you, all alone. and, if you sandwich yourself between Law Lawns beanbags, it’s like returning to a womb made of packaging peanuts. As an added The Law Lawns are traditionally the do- bonus, the lounge eliminates any risk of main of people in obscenely large groups,

Sin and Seduction

Mary Ward knows what you did last Sunday.

When White Horse Church first moved bar with their New Testament iPhone to pray, before coming onto the stage—its On the day I visited the church, into The Vanguard on King Street, one apps in hand. red velvet curtain drawn well back. The Witanowski used his sermon to bemoan regular patron made his disapproval clear. drums start, and they perform the same the “nice” Christianity of bake sales and Unlike the performers from Jaded Vanities assortment of Hillsong worship tracks wearing Sunday best. Instead he called for “Great, a bunch of happy clappers in my or the bizarrely intriguing Star Wars Bur- you’d find at any other reformist church a disruptive, radical approach to evange- favourite place to have tits rubbed in my lesque, the White Horse Church is “not with a young-ish membership and a cou- lisation. It’s the “prostitutes and tax col- face,” he wrote in a comment - since delet- advertised or promoted by The Vanguard”. ple of amps. lectors” attitude to Christian life that he ed—on the church’s Facebook page. In fact, The Vanguard would only confirm stresses when asked about his congrega- that the Church hires the iconic burlesque What follows is a typical church service: tion. If it wasn’t for the small sandwich board venue each week for a “private function”. sermon, communion and all. It just hap- sign the group puts out before each Sun- pens to occur in an atypical place. “White Horse Church isn’t a gathering of day service, it’s unclear how anyone would But 10:30 every Sunday morning, the be- perfect people nailing it, leading squeaky ever manage to find the group of 20- and lievers gather in the burlesque club, sans It began with just Adam Witanowski, clean lives. You have tatted up musicians 30-somethings, drinking water from the lipstick and lace. The band leaves the room his wife, and their mothers in their living who used to have drug habits hanging out room. However too many people started with 60-year-old empty nesters with four showing up, so they started booking a kids who teach at Christian schools. It’s a space at the Pyrmont Bridge Hotel and mixed bag.” then The Dunnkirk down the road. Despite this attitude and his church’s new Briefly, they attempted to meet in a tra- home, Witanowski’s position on burlesque ditional sandstone church building, but is clear. Witanowski says it just wasn’t the right fit. “I have met the girls at The Vanguard who “Christianity is not about Sundays or real perform, they are sweet, beautiful, intelli- estate,” he says. “The building and the his- gent women,” he says. “I don’t know their tory were nice enough, I guess, but it em- stories, why they do it, but I do know that bodied everything that people rightly or Christian burlesque isn’t a thing.” wrongly throw at the church: angst, hate, frustration, disappointment.” However, that doesn’t mean the White Horse’s door is ever closed. It was when White Horse hired out The Vanguard for a music and creative training “They would totally be welcome to come day that the venue management suggested along to White Horse on Sundays,” they use the space for Sunday services. Witanowski says.

“We moved a week later,” Witanowski “We have a guy coming who, for a while, says. worked at a cafe that served terrible coffee, people still love him in spite of his past.”

16 perspective

Clubbing Before and After a Feminist Conscience

Clodagh Schofieldon why clubbing is shit (or maybe not that shit).

Content warning: Sexual harassment, tried to pull me into his lap, saying “Well I went back to Oxford Arts Factory for small top” / “Your boobs are falling out sexual assault & misogyny. hello, what have we got here?”. Today I the first time a few weeks ago. I eyed the of your shirt, it’s so sad what girls will do would probably scream in his face “YOUR dudes in the club suspiciously and made for attention”. I’m ashamed that I used to n my first year as an adult, I went WORST FUCKING NIGHTMARE sure I carved out a spot on the dance floor think that way. clubbing a lot—maybe twice a week. It ASSHOLE” (I did this last weekend: that was uniquely mine and bordered Iwas really fun—I pashed my first boyfriend ensure spit flies from your mouth and by some of my giant size mates. Some Last Saturday when I went out to party, out of high school on the Oxford Arts you look as unhinged as possible), but people were gross, that was inevitable. But I saw girls in really tight clothes, dancing d-floor, I bought super cheap drinks from that time I just said “Leave me alone!” although my growing feminist conscience and performing to others and their friends. Bar Century while dodging gropes, and and tried to get away. But he didn’t let go. had previously rendered me unable to go On instinct, my first thought was “Oh felt pretty smug about being recognised Instead, he yanked on my arm so hard I out because the rage of being treated like a wow, what an attention seeker”. But they as a regular by the security at GoodGod. fell to my knees and shook his finger in blow up doll really ruins your party spirit, looked fucking great. They were thriving We’d go great events, take breaks in Hyde my face. “You do NOT. TALK. TO ME. there were some changes that felt really and there to enjoy themselves and enjoy Park to drink very, very cheap vodka, then LIKE THAT,” he shouted. I cried and good. life and I 100% support them in wearing head back in. I felt cool, and included. went outside and smoked with my friends whatever they like. I saw girls who had until it was a silly joke, not assault. On the dance floor I realised that another put hours into getting ready and instead After a while though, the way I was treated experience which had coloured my salad of thinking “Wow, so desperate” I thought by people really started to bother me. I My experiences were part of patriarchy days of $20 entry fees and Oriloff Vodka “DAMN GIRL IT PAID OFF YOU don’t know if folks who haven’t ever been and of rape culture. They were part of in Hyde Park had been girl hate. Girl hate LOOK LIKE A QUEEN”. I realised treated as a woman know this, but walking systems of entitlement to women’s bodies refers to the way girls are taught to tear how much girl hate had been bringing me through a crowded club is like walking that we are punished for not submitting each other down to pull yourself up. The down when I’d last gone out. Supporting through a minefield. Hands out to grab to. I didn’t go out for a really long time whole 97 minutes of Mean Girls is about women gave me so much more light than you, sleazy comments, gross looks up and after that. Clubbing became too much of girl hate, and the Sweet Valley High series. shutting them down. down your body, and sometimes, violence. an ordeal and I restricted my sick dance You might recognise it in Taylor Swift’s Someone at World Bar grabbed my arm, moves to the d-floors of my mates parties. ‘You Belong With Me’ where she hates on So while feminism has generated in me and shoved their hand into my underwear, In a lot of ways, learning that what happens another woman for wearing short skirts some fantasies to break sleazy men’s an attempt at digital rape. I ran, mortified. to a lot of women, and trans feminine & and high heels, which obviously makes her fingers and make them run for their lives, Back then I didn’t know that you could non binary folks who are read as women, unworthy of her partner. it’s also helped me work on a lot of pent up tell security to chuck people who were made me feel better as I’d always seen it hate, and turn it into love for the beautiful bothering you out. Though a number as a part of life, or maybe blamed myself a Before, I would walk into a club and think women around me. It feels like a relief, and of times, it was the security guards who little. Instead I learnt “FUCK YOU GET “Ugh her hair is so poorly chemically it definitely makes for a better night out. sexually harassed me. AWAY FROM ME” and “TOUCH ME straightened why can’t you just let it be WITH THAT HAND AGAIN AND natural” or “Gross body sausage dresses The weekend after that happened I was at I’L BREAK YOUR FINGERS.” It are so tacky” / “Someone with shoulders Flinders Bar, and an older man in a suit helped. like that should really not wear such a Dollars & Sense Alexi Polden lands on free parking.

Self check-out machines are great for a lot free—the problem is, you have to buy of things. Pretending four bags of grocer- something. ies are just full of unwashed potatoes, or operating smoothly with five to twenty That’s where grapes come in; a small grape less workers a shift, or discreetly buying weighs only a couple of grams, which isn’t your first packet of condoms or adult nap- enough to tip a self checkout scale beyond pies. They’re a 21st century marvel, and about two cents. Retailers have to round with the help of fruit, they can score you down to the nearest ten cents for charges free parking. of one or two cents, in cash transactions, so, whatever money you put in to pay for Most supermarkets are pretty well locat- that grape will be spat right out again, ed, and give free parking to customers. In along with a receipt for your trouble. a city where even the cheapest parking, like the Domain carpark, costs $9 an hour, And there you have it, you’re officially a Woolloomooloo Woolworths, a short customer and haven’t paid a thing. You walk away, gives you could probably try this on at a staffed an hour checkout too; your mileage may vary.

The dollar or two you’ll save not buying a chocolate bar or can of coke is just enough to lose down the side of your car seat and find next time you’re searching madly for coins to feed a parking meter. 17 At a Faction of the Cost Our very own gronk William Edwards talked to every political club at O Week so that you don’t have to. Acknowledgements: this article is dedicated to everyone who didn’t know better.

The Question... “Change from within.” They’re frank about Conservative Club as a brand” and don’t “abandon their OWeek can be confusing for politically their differences with the ALP Club and The Conservative Club has members from principles for political gain”. Refusing to aware first years. They want to make a Greens on Campus, neither of whom they a variety of parties united by conservative work with someone who shares your goals difference, but deciding which of USyd’s like and both of whom they will make ideology rather than realpolitik. These really is the definition of solidarity. political clubs can best help them do so– deals with for years to come. It’s hard out parties include Family First, as I was told for the low, low price of one’s youth–can here for a realistic left-winger, you know? in a tone implying that the info wasn’t Resistance Club be a daunting decision. utterly horrifying. I didn’t notice anything which set this ALP Club Socialist group apart from the previous Fear not! I talked to every political club at ALP Club members are pleasant people, Libertarian Society two, so they also probably exist because OWeek so that you don’t have to. If you but shyer than their comrades about “They may take our lives, but they’ll never they don’t like the others. Why do haven’t chosen which devil to sell your admitting ideological differences. What’s take our freedom!” Socialists hate other Socialists so much? soul to, this guide is for you. the difference between Labor Left and - William Wallace in Braveheart The revolution is going to be like an Labor Right when only one club has awkward family reunion. Greens on Campus official party endorsement, after all? Not Socialist Alternative One should join Greens on Campus, the to mention, greater opportunities for Socialist Alternative makes you sign a The Verdict spiel goes, because they’re a progressive ambitious politicians. Nudge nudge. petition. And while I asked about their Save yourself. It’s too late for everyone group who won’t sacrifice progressive beliefs, one member sceptically inquired, I spoke to, but you still have a shot at values for electoral success. Though Liberal Club “is this for Honi?” Fuck. To their credit, happiness. If you absolutely must be beware! The Labor Club might. But the A catalogue of opportunities await Liberal SAlt was the most direct group when political join the Politics Society, and Greens are progressive. PROGRESSIVE! Club members, namely the annual formal I asked why I might want to join them: discuss politics without trying to govern No one understands students better than dinner which rose to prominence in 2012 “read our newspaper.” or overthrow anyone. Or join SHADES**, progressive politician Scott ‘Cool Dad’ when guest speaker Alan Jones said that get drunk, and garble your opinions on the Ludlam! He’s progressive. then Prime Minister Julia Gillard’s father Solidarity Student Club dancefloor. No one will have to hear you “died of shame”. But though the dinner Solidarity, ‘the other Socialists’, has almost over that sick beat. Labor Club was the selling point of their pitch, the identical values to SAlt. The difference, I The Labor Club was described to me as Alan Jones thing wasn’t mentioned at all. was told, is that they “don’t use Marxism **Disclaimer: Will Edwards is pretty into socialist (and progressive?!), advocating Weird. SHADES. Honi Recipe: Smart(ie)-Cookies

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Censure motion proposed for Board Directors Magyar and Carrigan

This week in GronkWatch, Joanna Connolly adds another director into an unfolding Cabcharge scandal

oni can reveal a simmering dispute in University Magyar also “encouraged” Honi not report on the of Sydney Union Board has emerged in response allegations against him, warning that “any incorrect Hto an internal inquiry conducted by the USU’s Human commentary [would lead] to legal action”. Resources Department into the use of Directors’ Cabcharge cards. The dispute is expected to come to a Carrigan said that he encouraged all students to attend head on Friday, when a censure motion put by Director the board meeting where the censure motion will be Tim Matthews against fellow directors Robby Magyar discussed. “Board directors should be accountable to the and Liam Carrigan is to be voted on. membership they serve and I will speak to the censure motion before our community and the board of directors In a draft of the motion obtained by Honi, Matthews calls to ensure I uphold this value. I have no intention of on the Board to censure both directors’ use of the cards as running from this process and hope I will be able to an abuse of corporate property. explain the complex circumstances that resulted in this outcome.” On Friday Magyar told Honi that he had requested a review of the investigation conducted by the HR When asked why he was bringing a censure motion, Department as he believes the findings are incorrect. Matthews replied “I am bringing a motion because when the board was informed last week that this happened, it The investigation found that of the 27 charges incurred struck me as an obvious abuse of the power and trust that on the card by Carrigan in January, 23 were identified as is put in us. I think that we must also take measures to not valid – meaning use of the Card outside of the Terms ensure it doesn’t happen again.” of Agreement. In the case of Magyar, the report focussed on 8 out of a total of 12 transactions. Where Carrigan ‘Through conversation last week, I got the impression that billed the Union nearly $500 for the month, Magyar’s the executive weren’t intending on bringing a motion like total expenditure for the period is unknown. this, so I informed them last week that I was intending to bring this motion’. Honi understands that since the censure motion was proposed, multiple directors have asked for clarification The censure motion will be discussed at the Board about their fares and deny the claim of any impropriety. meeting on Friday 6 March 9.30am.

Choose Your Own Adventure #2

A story started by us and continued by you.

“Hit this fat bong or we’ll kill you”, the postgrad “Wh-what’s your name?”, you splutter in the law student said, gravely. direction of the leader.

And you say (this week from Simon Li): “Hi, I “My name…”, the leader says, “is unimportant.” think we should hit the bong, then cough violently and ask the leader his name.” “Oh.”

ou try to use your skill as a ventriloquist “Frank Unimportant.” to project the bong smoke harmlessly somewhereY else. It half-works. Somewhere inside “Oh.” the Wentworth Building, a plume of smoke emerges inside a USU official’s office, leaving the Frank helps you to your feet and presses a can of room smelling distinctly weed-like and leaving deodorant to your arm. “Branding!” he yells, as he the official distinctly half-stoned. They got their sprays the aerosol directly onto your skin, burning job as part of a program giving ex-convicts a his motto—yolo—into your arm. second chance and, as a result of your little stunt, fail a urine test an hour later and lose their job. “Let’s go get baguettes from Taste and join Nice one. SubSki”, Frank says.

The other half goes straight to your lungs and, as What do you do? the THC reaches your brain, you have a vision of your mother, arms crossed, foot tapping, Email a sentence or two detailing your next move to expressing palpable disappointment in your life [email protected] and the finest entry will become choices. “Why couldn’t you get a vocational degree the jumping off point for the next chapter. Don’t at UTS, like Rod”, she asks, but before you can tell forget, you can go back and correct prior mistakes if her that Rod isn’t even your real Dad and slam the you so desire. door, she disappears, leaving you coughing in the foetal position on the ground. 19 perspective I’m Blind Because I Stabbed a Fish in the Eye Rebecca Wong saw a faith healer. WE’VE GOT

y grandparents are superstitious. In Mandarin and translated by my mother, the endearing, harmless, vaguely explained my predicament thus: Membarrassing way that only whitewashed “One day, you were sitting on the beach, ethnic kids will understand. When I was when a fish swam by. You decided nine and visiting them in San Francisco, you’d take a stick and stab the poor, YOUR BACK they decided to try and fix me. They told unsuspecting, innocent creature in the eye, my mother they knew someone. you wicked child. That’s why you’re blind. It’s punishment.” He turned out to be an old Chinese guru. Everyone came—my grandparents, my But didn’t the fish deserve it? Surely it If You Have A Legal Problem? parents, my two sisters, my great aunt. did something bad in -its- past life and We crowded together on couches in his that’s why God made me do that. If I only We Can Help For FREE! living room. He questioned me for hours; stabbed it in one eye, why am I blind in both? they all listened avidly. Perhaps someone That seems unfair—WE’VEthings 9-year-old me GOT was hoping for a miracle. I probably thought and never said. thought I was having my fortune told. Did I ever dream of the ocean? No. Not The way to atone, the Chinese guru even a little bit? Well, maybe once or assured my wide-eyed grandparents and Fines twice. In my dreams, was the ocean ever politely mortifiedYOUR parents, was for me to BACK scary? Not really. I wished my answers give up meat. were more interesting. At dinner that night, my great aunt My spirit guide appeared to be confounded. offered me some of her own food, specially Motor Vehicle Accidents I was proving to be a hard case to crack. He brought from home inIf a littleYou plastic boxHave A Legal Problem? enlisted the help of a mysterious consort (the restaurant didn’t offer vegetarian from China, who imparted wisdom over dishes). My mother seemedWe slightly Can Help For FREE! the phone. relieved that I didn’t like it. Immigration It turned out that in my past life, I had I love my grandparents very much. I did been a bad, bad person. The guru, in not become a vegetarian. Fines WE’VE GOTCriminal Charges WE’VEWE’VE GOT GOTMotor Vehicle YOUR Accidents BACKDebts YOUR BACK Immigration ...and more If You Have A Legal Problem? YOUR BACK We have a solicitor who speaks If You Have A Legal Problem? We Can Help For FREE! Criminal Charges Cantonese, Mandarin & Japanesee We Can Help For FREE! 法律諮詢 If You Have A Legal Problem? 法律アドバイス

We Can Help For FREE! DebtsLevel 1, Wentworth Bldg, University of Sydney Liability limited by This service is provided Fines Fines a scheme approved to you by the Students’ p: 02 9660 5222 | w: src.usyd.edu.au under Professional Representative Council, Standards Legislation. University of Sydney e: [email protected] | ACN 146 653 143 Motor Vehicle Accidents ...and more Motor Vehicle Accidents Fines Immigration We have a solicitor who speaks Cantonese, Mandarin & Japanesee Immigration法律諮詢 Motor VehicleCriminal Accidents Charges 法律アドバイス

Level 1, Wentworth Bldg, University of Sydney Liability limited by This service is provided a scheme approved to you by the Students’ p: 02 9660Debts 5222 | w: src.usyd.edu.au Criminalunder Charges Professional Representative Council, Standards Legislation. University of Sydney Immigratione: [email protected] | ACN 146 653 143 ...and more Debts We have a solicitor who speaks Criminal Charges Cantonese, Mandarin & Japanesee 法律諮詢 法律アドバイス ...and more

Level 1, Wentworth Bldg, University of Sydney Liability limited by This service is provided a scheme approved to you by the Students’ Debts Representative Council, p: 02 9660 5222 | w: src.usyd.edu.au under Professional Standards Legislation. University of Sydney e: [email protected] | ACN 146 653 143 We have a solicitor who speaks Cantonese, Mandarin & Japanesee ...and more 法律諮詢 法律アドバイス

Level 1, Wentworth Bldg, University of Sydney Liability limited by This service is provided We have a solicitor who speaks a scheme approved to you by the Students’ p: 02 9660 5222 | w: src.usyd.edu.au under Professional Representative Council, Cantonese, Mandarin & Japanesee Standards Legislation. University of Sydney 法律諮詢e: [email protected] | ACN 146 653 143 法律アドバイス

Level 1, Wentworth Bldg, University of Sydney Liability limited by This service is provided a scheme approved to you by the Students’ p: 02 9660 5222 | w: src.usyd.edu.au under Professional Representative Council, Standards Legislation. University of Sydney e: [email protected] | ACN 146 653 143 src caseworker help

Many students are forced to live on very little money while they are studying. Living On Little Money Here are some ideas from the SRC caseworkers that might help you get by.

PHONE Pre-paid accounts allow you to give yourself a fixed budget for phonecalls. Encourage your friends to call you or text to make a skype date. Viber and Whatsapp also allow you to make free texts or calls. However, be aware that you are using your internet for this.

FREE FOOD, CHEAP FOOD There is no reason to be hungry if you live in Sydney. There are many places around Sydney that offer free meals and a few that may do food parcels. www.newtowncentre.org/_pdfs/meals.pdf

HEALTH Bulk billing (or direct billing) doctors means that you will not be charged for the appointment. This is covered on Medicare and Overseas Student Health Cover (OSHC). eg University Health Service in the Wentworth Building.

LOANS, BURSARIES & SCHOLARSHIPS www.wesleymission.org.au/centres/creditline “budget Safer sex is important. You can pick up free condoms University Scholarships and Financial Assistance Office: planner”. from the SRC office, level 1 Wentworth Building. p. 8627 8112. Loans are interest free and bursaries do not need to be repaid. Talk to them about your situation DEALING WITH DEBTS Clean needles and injecting packs are available from and they’ll guide you to the most suitable option. The SRC Legal Service will work with you to clear your the Alcohol and Drug Information Service (ADIS). There are a range of different ways to qualify for a debts. This service is free to undergraduate students. Call their 24 hour confidential telephone service on scholarship. Talk to the University about which ones 9361 8000 or 1800 422 599. Some chemists do needle you’re eligible for and how to apply. There are also some If you have a problem with gambling, free, confidential and syringe exchange. In Newtown this includes competitions you could enter that have cash prizes. help is available at the University. Call 1800 482 482 Chemist on King and Ford’s Pharmacy. In Auburn for more information. there’s Alpha Pharmacy and Rite Aid Pharmacy. There’s SRC Emergency loans up to $50 are good to fill that also Camden Pharmacy and Adore Pharmacy Rozelle. gap the day before payday or if you forget your wallet. HAPPY HOUSING p. 9660 5222 Cheap quality accommodation is hard to get. Dentists can be super expensive on a student budget. Most of the cheap options go very quickly, so you’ll have But your teeth are important. There are some limited MANAGING MONEY to be patient and flexible. If you are in urgent need of services you may be able to access for free. Speak to When you don’t have enough money to make little housing ask an SRC Caseworker about emergency SRC HELP caseworkers. WE’VE GOT mistakes it is a good idea to have a budget plan. Write accommodation. down how you are going to spend money each week, Australian citizens and permanent residents can apply including putting some aside for unforeseen expenses if If you are about to move into a home or if you are for a Low Income Health Card Card if you earn $524 you can. Look for “leaks” that can help you to save a bit behind in rent and are on the lease you might be a week or less, or get a Centrelink student payment. more. Look at: www.moneyminded.com.au eligible for Rentstart through Housing Pathways This gives you a reduced price on prescription drugs, YOUR BACK www.moneysmart.gov.au/managing-your-money (Housing NSW). free ambulance cover etc.

If You Have A Legal Problem? Ask Abe We Can Help For FREE! SRC Caseworker HELP Q&A

Hi Abe, Fines be able to get away with an older edition. Even where Throughout the year there are also competitions for I’m from a bit of a poor family and I need some financial there are changes, you may be able to copy those from writing and other projects. Keep an eye out for these help. I already get Youth Allowance (live at home rate), a friend. opportunities too. but it’s not really enough to cover all my textbooks and living costs. I’m worried about the pressure that I’m There are lots of places to get free food. Look at the The University also has a Financial Assistance Service. Motor Vehicle Accidents putting on my parents and younger brother and sister. Newtown Neighbourhood Centre website: They can lend you money in an emergency, and also offer Can you tell me if there’s some other way I can get a Go to “information sheets”, then “essential services”, loans and bursaries. University loan or get the higher rate from Centrelink? then “meals”. Financially Challenged If you need other help dealing with your debtors, the Immigration The University has a Scholarships office that may be able SRC Legal Service can talk to them on your behalf. Hi Financially Challenged, to help you. There are scholarships for a wide range of students, with an equally wide range of awards, ranging Abe I’m sorry to hear about your struggle. It is certainly not from a couple of hundred dollars to many thousands Criminal Charges uncommon. There are a few things you can do. Look for of dollars. First year students should feel particularly secondhand textbooks – start at the SRC secondhand encouraged to apply. The interesting thing about Abe’s answers can provide you with excellent insight and bookshop. If you lecturer tells you to buy the latest scholarships is that most people won’t apply, making helpful tips for surviving as a student. To ask Abe a question edition ask what the differences are, because you may them less competitive than you would think. send an email to: [email protected] Debts 21 ...and more

We have a solicitor who speaks Cantonese, Mandarin & Japanesee 法律諮詢 法律アドバイス

Level 1, Wentworth Bldg, University of Sydney Liability limited by This service is provided a scheme approved to you by the Students’ p: 02 9660 5222 | w: src.usyd.edu.au under Professional Representative Council, Standards Legislation. University of Sydney e: [email protected] | ACN 146 653 143 src officebearer reports

These pages belong to the officebearers of the SRC.

They are not altered, edited, or changed in any way by the Honi editors. President’s Report

Kyol Blakeney

After a brilliant O-Week I would like multiculturalism and environment. helped build one of the biggest student believe you should take the opportunities to congratulate everyone involved in movements last year in at least 10 years. to help create a society that is accepting, putting it together and say how excited So if you have a passion for the environment Find yourself pissed off with the way the open minded, progressive and fair for all I am for semester to start, particularly and climate action I suggest you make society we live in treats wom*n and queers? people regardless of their gender, sexual with many of the new students I met in contact with the Environment Collective. Join or support the Wom*n’s Collective orientation, colour or religion. With the last week at our SRC stall. I would Have strong feelings about social justice (WoCo) or the Queer Collective. your help and ideas, this year the student also like to welcome all new members aiming to take out racism? Have a chat movement will carry on and continue in of our collectives and encourage you to with the Anti-Racism Collective (ARC), University is a place with constant a direction towards equality and solidarity take part in the campaigns and events the Indigenous department, or the critical thought and debate; a place amongst our comrades. Have a good year they put together. This is important as Autonomous Collective Against Racism where the future of society is determined. and I’ll see you at the first National Day of we are under a government that is, across (ACAR). Think education is a right of Throughout the semester and the year I Action in a few weeks. the board, systematically disadvantaging all people and not just for the privileged ask you to keep in mind that while you so many people in this country in areas rich? See how you can be a member of the have the opportunity to be educated such as education, gender equality, Education Action Group (EAG), which in one of Australia’s top universities, I Education Officer’s Report

Blythe Worthy

This O Week, sure to be one of my last had happened to make fee deregulation Students are banding together all through Street and is the best way for you to help as I’m close to graduation- was by far seem so appealing to some. this month in order to demonstrate the fight against fee deregulation in order the most satisfying. I talked to so many against our government’s proposed cuts to ensure everyone can access education. students concerned about what they To regulate something is to open it to to universities. On Wednesday March The hindrance fee deregulation presents were getting out of their education and everyone and make it equal and accessible. 4th a feeder rally will be held outside will only make the education system in how they can fight for it that I really Fisher Library at 1pm in order to educate Australia worse. Please come and help us have begun to feel as though this year The deregulation of university fees flies in students on why they should care about continue the fight, things will improve for will be one of activism’s most productive. the very face of this notion. It promises the future of education in Australia and students if fee deregulation is beaten and During this time, however, I also talked to to continue to widen the gap between why they should attend the National Day we want to make sure future generations some students who weren’t so concerned people of colour, women and students of Action on the 25th of March. can study like we have. You should too. about deregulation. I was met with from low socio-economic backgrounds opposition and disinterest. Male students and the privileged class of student (the This demonstration will be much larger- talked over me or completely ignored me, kind who were overall most in favour of scale, one that spans all national universities and a few heated conversations left a sour fee dereg) that profits most readily from and will move through Sydney from our taste in my mouth as I mulled over what the deregulation model. university to UTS and down George

Welfare Officer’s Report

Eden Faithfull

Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed after Turkish bath that was Eastern Avenue offered by the SRC. We’re looking use and its presence in University culture, their Summer break, your SRC Welfare during O Week, along with the long- forward to expanding the ways in which complete with a student-composed Officers are thrilled to get to work on the suffering stall coordinators who managed we communicate with you in a way that handbook of personal experiences. myriad campaigns we have in stall for to stay alive during those three days, every student can access, such as those you throughout the year (the conception fuelled singularly by the double-espresso- lecture bashes you so fondly associate Of course, we couldn’t forget all of you of which involved far too many glitchy shot-guarana-infused V energy drinks with us SRC-types. For the cash-strapped first year students who are able to read cross-continental Skype conversations without suffering fatal heart palpitations gourmands on campus, we are also this because you are seated comfortably and cluttered Google Docs.) To break the (you know who you are. Shame.) planning on setting up an emergency food outside your lecture theatre having arrived ice and extend our appreciations for your bank and student cookbook for those of early in a fit of optimistic eagerness; efforts, we the Welfare Officers would like This year, the Welfare officers will be you who can’t quite justify the just-shy- congratulations. A small word of caution, to recognise a few of the more exceptional conducting several different campaigns for of-ten-dollars baguette from Taste. And however, in the hauntingly dulcet tones of feats of courage demonstrated by you, dear the student body to actively participate in finally, we will be running a combined drug The Carpenters: “we’ve only just begun”. reader. We would like to congratulate those and benefit from, including a wider range and alcohol safety campaign to further of you who managed to wade through the of multilingual services and resources educate students about recreational drug 22 src officebearer reports

These pages belong to the officebearers of the SRC.

They are not altered, edited, or changed in any way by the Honi editors. President’s Report

Kyol Blakeney

After a brilliant O-Week I would like multiculturalism and environment. helped build one of the biggest student believe you should take the opportunities to congratulate everyone involved in movements last year in at least 10 years. to help create a society that is accepting, putting it together and say how excited So if you have a passion for the environment Find yourself pissed off with the way the open minded, progressive and fair for all I am for semester to start, particularly and climate action I suggest you make society we live in treats wom*n and queers? people regardless of their gender, sexual with many of the new students I met in contact with the Environment Collective. Join or support the Wom*n’s Collective orientation, colour or religion. With the last week at our SRC stall. I would Have strong feelings about social justice (WoCo) or the Queer Collective. your help and ideas, this year the student also like to welcome all new members aiming to take out racism? Have a chat movement will carry on and continue in of our collectives and encourage you to with the Anti-Racism Collective (ARC), University is a place with constant a direction towards equality and solidarity take part in the campaigns and events the Indigenous department, or the critical thought and debate; a place amongst our comrades. Have a good year they put together. This is important as Autonomous Collective Against Racism where the future of society is determined. and I’ll see you at the first National Day of we are under a government that is, across (ACAR). Think education is a right of Throughout the semester and the year I Action in a few weeks. the board, systematically disadvantaging all people and not just for the privileged ask you to keep in mind that while you so many people in this country in areas rich? See how you can be a member of the have the opportunity to be educated such as education, gender equality, Education Action Group (EAG), which in one of Australia’s top universities, I Education Officer’s Report

Blythe Worthy

This O Week, sure to be one of my last had happened to make fee deregulation Students are banding together all through Street and is the best way for you to help as I’m close to graduation- was by far seem so appealing to some. this month in order to demonstrate the fight against fee deregulation in order the most satisfying. I talked to so many against our government’s proposed cuts to ensure everyone can access education. students concerned about what they To regulate something is to open it to to universities. On Wednesday March The hindrance fee deregulation presents were getting out of their education and everyone and make it equal and accessible. 4th a feeder rally will be held outside will only make the education system in how they can fight for it that I really Fisher Library at 1pm in order to educate Australia worse. Please come and help us have begun to feel as though this year The deregulation of university fees flies in students on why they should care about continue the fight, things will improve for will be one of activism’s most productive. the very face of this notion. It promises the future of education in Australia and students if fee deregulation is beaten and During this time, however, I also talked to to continue to widen the gap between why they should attend the National Day we want to make sure future generations some students who weren’t so concerned people of colour, women and students of Action on the 25th of March. can study like we have. You should too. about deregulation. I was met with from low socio-economic backgrounds opposition and disinterest. Male students and the privileged class of student (the This demonstration will be much larger- talked over me or completely ignored me, kind who were overall most in favour of scale, one that spans all national universities and a few heated conversations left a sour fee dereg) that profits most readily from and will move through Sydney from our taste in my mouth as I mulled over what the deregulation model. university to UTS and down George

Welfare Officer’s Report

Eden Faithfull

Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed after Turkish bath that was Eastern Avenue offered by the SRC. We’re looking use and its presence in University culture, their Summer break, your SRC Welfare during O Week, along with the long- forward to expanding the ways in which complete with a student-composed Officers are thrilled to get to work on the suffering stall coordinators who managed we communicate with you in a way that handbook of personal experiences. myriad campaigns we have in stall for to stay alive during those three days, every student can access, such as those you throughout the year (the conception fuelled singularly by the double-espresso- lecture bashes you so fondly associate Of course, we couldn’t forget all of you of which involved far too many glitchy shot-guarana-infused V energy drinks with us SRC-types. For the cash-strapped first year students who are able to read cross-continental Skype conversations without suffering fatal heart palpitations gourmands on campus, we are also this because you are seated comfortably and cluttered Google Docs.) To break the (you know who you are. Shame.) planning on setting up an emergency food outside your lecture theatre having arrived ice and extend our appreciations for your bank and student cookbook for those of early in a fit of optimistic eagerness; efforts, we the Welfare Officers would like This year, the Welfare officers will be you who can’t quite justify the just-shy- congratulations. A small word of caution, to recognise a few of the more exceptional conducting several different campaigns for of-ten-dollars baguette from Taste. And however, in the hauntingly dulcet tones of feats of courage demonstrated by you, dear the student body to actively participate in finally, we will be running a combined drug The Carpenters: “we’ve only just begun”. reader. We would like to congratulate those and benefit from, including a wider range and alcohol safety campaign to further of you who managed to wade through the of multilingual services and resources educate students about recreational drug 22 puzzles Cryptic Quick By Bolton By Ben Sullivan

As seven solutions are all 19-acs, they are not defined. 26. Memory stockpile (5) Across Down All other clues are normal. 27. Screwing former lover, eel and crab is extremely 1. light exercises 1. Area where you can pitch a tent (7,6) Across unpleasant (9) 8. Australian Rugby Union (init.) 2. Exist 1. Stone in one (6) 28. Modelled differently and circled again (8) 9. Born 3. Feller 4. Blue-green hybrid without provision (8) 29. Intermediate labor easy for deity (6) 10. Reminders 4. Test to determine clotting tendency of blood 10. Niacin oat mixed in tobacco plant (9) 12. Standard 5. Host 11. Headless believer winning ticket (5) Down 13. Lingerie item 6. small muscle in the middle ear that protects the 12. Battery dropped via Affleck thriller (5) 1. Even egos collapse in a southern Italian (8) 15. Extremely irritating (5-8) eardrum (6,7) 13. General Blanket (9) 2. Mother took me away from an African country 18. Global journal for original research on infectious 7. Straightway 14. Poor-poor [sic] (7) for a biscuit (8) diseases (init.) 11. Dental problem 16. Currency or “Spanish John” to the auditor (4) 3. Rot in fragmented explosive (5) 19. Tolkien creature 12. Peacefully 19. Underwrite plus or minus (4) 5. Become entitled to make reservation (7) 20. Slingshot effect (7-6) 14. Placed below the letter c to indicate that it is 21. Equine breastplate straddling topoi trellises (7) 6. Sheik Azan remade a Jew (9) 21. Korean Airlines (init.) pronounced as an s 24. Muhammad funds are divorce funds (9) 7. The most hostile cities are in ruins (6) 22. …and downs 16. Antiguan sportsman, … Richards 25. Tomes collection twice cut off (5) 8. Pay debt without a US city (6) 23. Having no angle 17. “Sleeping Beauty Syndrome” (init.) 9. Winged boy dropped one for nothing and a tenor 27. Common, in Hawaii 24. Scottish now (6) 28. American Aerospace, Defence and Information 25. Squelch Target 15. Abbreviated system of thought with 19-ac a re- Security agency (init.) 26. Electrical unit Minimum four letter words cent Dench flick (9) 29. Engraver of ornaments Not Grouse: 20 Grouse: 35 Grouser: 45 Grousest: 68 17. Likely non-amateur confused biblical tower (8) 18. Chop as clever as choppers (8) Sudoku 20. Lack of experience shown by gullible flippin’ al- ien (7) L I N 21. Left after Ctrl+V for delicate shade (6) 22. Tin and half-cerium (6) G M A 23. Mixed spices (6) 25. Middling solar goals slowly (5) T N A KenKen

Answers available next week at honisoit.com 24 Winds of change Nobody truly knows threatening a what is to be written in storm of change these boxes. It is the only The Garter Press unsolved mystery. Issue XIIIII LIVE FOREVER AND PROSPER Bring me a child’s laughter Editorial ISIS MILITANTS STRUGGLE Abbott “Won’t I Don’t Understand TO IDENTIFY DEPICTIONS Be Distracted” the Internet and OF THE HUMAN FORM IN by Reporter with Neither Should You IRAQI CUBIST EXHIBITION Laser-Pointer There has been unprecedented pressure That blasted global correspondant Eldon Ledger made it placed on good, honest media outlets round the world in fewer than eighty days? Outrageous! “He says that, but I don’t buy it” of late to conform to the bedevilled Brings us more. conventions of the Internet. At a press conference this morning, It will come as little surprise to the loyal Prime Minister Tony Abbott reaffirmed reader to hear that The Garter will not his commitment to the leadership of the cave to the surmounting threat of the new government and declared that he “won’t and exciting. be distracted” by “trivial things,” like the laser pointer that I brought to the event. The Garter board of directors is insistent that we develop our “reach” on “Facebook” The declaration came just minutes into the and “Youtube” with “content”, to them, I address after I got him once in each pupil. say, you had best be fire-proof! (the threat is figurative, of course, for the weak- Despite the assurances, several of Abbott’s willed inclined to cry out, “bad taste!”). statements regarding the reintroduction of legislation for a GP Co-payment and his Over the next few weeks you may notice handling of the Triggs Report were stilted, a noble establishment, brought to its and ultimately cut short by extended knees and eyes gaunt, succumbing to pauses, in which his eyes darted back and those who manage the new media. A forth at rapid speed, tracking the pointer’s “page” will inevitably emerge, and we Militants refuse to “disregard degrees of abstraction” before smashing shit with sledgehammer progress across the room, when it wasn’t will begin the dizzying, rockstar ascent directly in his eyes. to best loved publication on the whole of Regional sources have this morning subjects of most of the works. The Garter Internet. confirmed that ISIS militants ransacked understands that her last known words “I am just trying to get on with several sites of cultural significance in were “you clearly don’t understand art”. government,” the Prime Minister said. “I But for what? For “traction”, they claim. Iraqi Kurdistan, but have been temporarily appreciate that not everyone is, perhaps, brought to a halt by the abstract paintings Ultimately, only a solitary, little-known happy with my leadership, but we have Know that the ethical direction of this on display in the Kurdish Museum of Metzinger was slashed. While all agreed begun the consultative process and we will paper has always been and will always Modern Art which couldn’t definitively be that the painting was not an instance of not be distra-- please stop that,” Abbott be the utmost imperative of an editorial said to depict the human form. idolatry, the ISIS militant who perpetrated stated while shielding his eyes on account army under my command. the act was overheard justifying his of my laser pointer. The assault follows a successful raid on decision: “I’ve always felt that Metzinger’s There is no promise I take more seriously Mosul Museum, where cultural artifacts spatiotemporal complexities fail to The laser pointer I used was a Logitech than The Garter’s commitment to a were brutally destroyed. Unfortunately, the properly counterbalance the flatness of the R400 Wireless Presenter in Black. It floundering, regal, beautiful, arcane form. cubists’ subversion of the mimetic realism canvas. Also, his brushwork is lazy.” retails at Officeworks for $79.00. Let no change pass unless it must. But that underscores most of humanity’s when it does, let us slash and hack at its artistic antiquities served only to confound At the time of publication, Abbott was vulnerable, soft underbelly and ensure the the militants. quickly losing patience with me, but I was passage is a tumultuous as the would-be- still getting him right in the damn eyes. changes of old. It seems we must begin to ISIS spokespeople complained of make the slightest concessions. confusion, as typically blasphemous titles such as Two Men at Lunch were attached IN THIS ISSUE How will things change? Only the to predominantly geometric works that brainiest science nerds could possibly did not literally portray humans. Marine Le Pen slays speculate. But as we breach the fourth Marine Le Sword dimension, and wade into this terrifying, Speaking to The Garter, a fighter offered page 6 binary world, we will remain a stalwart, comment on Braque’s Portrait of a Woman, broadsheet institution that loves things “It could be a human form to be idolised, Modern-day Croesus like words, and our readers, above all. but it could also just be a bunch of shapes magnanimously insists on a canvas. There are no provisions for cashier keep 10c change Quality shall never falter. squares and triangles in our faith.” page 11 I remain your humble, armed, servant, After their own attempts to identify idols Amanda Huntingslow proved fruitless, the militants proceeded to Kremlin ‘not involved’ in hold the exhibition’s curator at gunpoint. Nemtsov murder, declares But even when threatened with execution Georges Braque’s Portrait of a Woman, one sniggering Putin she proved incapable of identifying the of the paintings left untouched. page 30 25 The Garter Press HARD HITTING NEWS New-Age motivational speaker “manifests” Edgy comedian uses comedy to deal with himself table at packed restaurant controversial issues like We paid a dish-hand to write this, it was a steal, I have no idea what their name is how he’s a huge dick Using techniques popularised by books nearby diners reported Gelman begged on threatening to “burn this shit shack to the Blythe Carver, The Garter’s like “The Secret”, professional Universal his hands and knees for the maitre d’ to ground” should he not get a table by 7.30. least funny reporter, reports Vision Technology™ coach Eddie “please just kick like two of these goddamn Gelman was able to be seated in a packed, losers out for christ’s sake”. “I will throw you all of you into a god damn At a standup show in a Kings Cross hotel, it inner-city, fine dining location in time well if I don’t get what I want,” Gelman was last night revealed that local comedian for his date’s arrival at 7.30pm on Friday “It’s a basic fact of science that the universe said atop one of the trendy restaurant’s Parker Wade uses humour to deal with the night. gives and receives,” explained Gelman to tightly packed tables, “Do you understand? fact that he is a dick. his 55 seminar attendees, of whom many I will burn your mother alive.” “Using my trademarked Universal Vision were high level CEO’s and entrepreneurs. “Comedy is a great way of breaking down Technology™ methods my students have “Once the universe receives your dedication At press time, Gelman stated, “success is barriers,” Wade explained. “The moment been able to accomplish their greatest and love, it can give you back anything you about maintaining an active presence in you say I can’t horribly mock something, dreams and attain their wildest desires” desire. Beautiful coincidences and acts of each and every moment, and having an you’re saying that I can’t grapple with an Gelman explained at a beginners life kindness from strangers you used to think aura and energy which is characterised by idea in the best way I know how. A lot of seminar in October last year. “But it’s were serendipities will begin to fall into kindness, compassion and love, rather than people just don’t want to talk about things not just about those long term goals, like your lap all the time. And this cosmic give negativity. Once you do that, things will like what an enormous dick I am - but I doubling your sales at work or getting and take is all a part of the laws of nature just ‘click’ and you will trust the universe don’t recognise such arbitrary boundaries.” that promotion you know you deserve, that anyone, especially you, can harness.” to just take over” it’s about proving to people in day-to- Friends report that Parker is widely day moments that you are a person who Following the request of the manager Gelman was given a table for two at 7.25 considered pretty funny, with one advising, deserves interest and affection, that you that Gelman leave the establishment, on the condition that he would remain “That’s just what Parker’s like, you know? deserve to get what you want. the speaker began to hurl abuse at the quiet and never return. Don’t take it personally.” eatery’s patrons and staff. Departing After getting word that the entire diners reported that Gelman threw plates Wade pulls no punches when writing restaurant was booked out at 7 PM, of pasta at the restaurant’s walls and jokes, and draws no distinction between holding power to account, and crudely Latest Fitbit “Storm” Raises your Heartbeat mocking society’s underdogs, insisting that he makes fun of everyone equally. to 170 BPM and You Can’t Turn it Off “A lot of people won’t touch topics like Our idiot sports writer Tyron Lifter wrote something precious for you black people, gays, the Holocaust, but I’ll go anywhere. But it’s not, like, sexist if I Fitbit founders James Park and Eric your heartrate to 170BPM and that can’t dangerously increasing the human mock men too.” Friedman today announced the latest be turned or taken off.” heartrate, possibly in pursuit of weight loss.” device in their wearable fitness tech line Wade says he enjoys ignoring “the haters” that increases the user’s heartbeat to 170 The device represents a departure from the Concerns arose after two demonstrators and believes in the model of comics like beats-per-minute and you can’t take it off company’s growing line of multi-metric at the product launch turned on their The Chaser Team and Dane Cook. and it won’t slow down. products in favour of a specialised unit devices and immediately fell to the floor, that, rather than graphing miles covered, screaming and clutching at their chests. “It’s all in good spirit. And no one really Fitbit Storm will be the ninth product sleep consistency and body temperature, minds that I’m a hugely inconsiderate on offer from the San Francisco startup’s serves only to accelerate the wearer’s In the face of critics, Park and Friendman cunt. Right?” laboratories. The device is scheduled for heartrate to a near-lethal figure and then remain confident, the former shouting release in December of 2015 and will not be turned off. over the howls of the demonstrator: At press time, Wade was seen insulting retail at approximately $180. “The future is now, and you can wear it on journalists, then jocularly smacking them “In the current turbulent market of fitness your wrist, and it is going to excite you, on the back, then loudly laughing to drown “It’s pretty clear what the market wants. tech, a lot of users just want a product dangerously excite you, and you will not be out his cruelty, at least in his own ears. It’s a small, wearable device that you can that they can rely on to do one thing, able to turn it off and you will not be able strap to your wrist that artifically raises and to do one thing well. In this case - to take it off.” PARLINGTON’S FINE WARES Parlington’s Fine Wares are purveyors of serious antiquity. This Saturday marks auction for one of the most valuable pieces in the Parlington collection: • Oh, God. It’s one of those grotesque racist statuettes • If this is from the fifties I’m pretty sure it’s still too racist • Fuck. If you touch its arm I think it’s a nut cracker. • And it’s teeth move. Of course it’s fucking teeth move. • Whose family did this come from? Actually? Parlington’s Fine Wares • This is disgusting. We can’t in all good conscience sell this Open 24 hours, 7 days 3/267 Abingdon Drive Call Herb on 0413 500 159 26 The Garter Press VERY VALUABLE OPINIONS Top ten names for On the Mistreatment your boy or girl car of Philosopher Kings The Road Best-Travelled The Only True Wisdom by Dirk Petroleum: by Dylon Stubbs:

Listen up, gudgeon pins! We’re on the Boy Car Names: Greetings, humanist world-travellers! And yet, some refuse to acknowledge the cusp of a metrosexual dystopia where peo- 10. Griffin humble majesty of the Philosopher King. ple have forgotten the important lessons. 9. Magnus People often ask me, “IronCharioteer1992 Our wisdom is decried with buzzwords Like how to drive, and how to love. Cars. 8. The Beast (If it’s a not shit ute) [my online persona], why are people like like “problematic” and “selfish”, and our Mostly how to drive and how to love cars. 7. Elvis (Don’t use ‘1’s for both the ‘l’ and you and I so unjustly maligned?” and I (as very way of life—founded on traditional ‘i’ on the number plate, it’s sloppy) Now, it’s as obvious as a broken fan belt ever) look to the best-trodden wisdom of values, freedom of speech, and chivalry— 6. Galactus that you can’t love anything you can’t drive, the ancients and magnanimously retort: is threatened by the thought police. Police 5. Eliot (ONE L AND ONE T ONLY!) and you can’t drive anything you haven’t undoubtedly surpassing the terror of Or- 4. Victor named. That’s sacrilege of the highest gear 3. Guglielmo (For mid-size continental “Concerning the things about which you well’s creations, if only by the very fact that order. two-door hardtops) ask to be informed I am not ill-prepared they are not fiction! 2. Dazza (It’s very funny if you have a with an answer” (that was Socrates) Firstly, you have to find the right car. Just mate Dazza because it’s confusing) Many will find this way of life alienat- like finding the right person in your life, 1.Donko Why, because we are philosopher kings. ing—both those who observe and those you start with a basic idea of what you who pursue it—but should you ever feel want: the right style, the right size, the Girl Car Names: The Philosopher King is a rare and gentle alone on your journey remember me, and right colour. You may well go through 10. Sylvia (Hatchback girl car name) species. They are lifted from the works of remember the words of beloveds like the hundreds, perhaps thousands, of names 9. Temptation Plato and probably suspect what they are! great contrarian Christopher Hitchens who for your beloved; more than any ol’ flesh- 8. Hedda Slow to warm to unfamiliar people or sit- reminds us: “take the risk of thinking for child. 7. Joanette (For a classy lady ute) uations, the Philosopher King is most at yourself, much more happiness, truth, 6. Sara home inside a self-contained subterranean beauty and wisdom will come to you that And then, wham, it hits you. Not like a 5. Martina (If it’s a sports model) castle within their own or other’s kingdom, way.” car hitting you, though, with the impact of 4. Melba (Compact SUV/people mover) where they can enjoy foreign cartoons, 1.7 tons of metal propelled by 350 horse- 3. Porcelina (not for a Porsche, obviously) free speech, and hearty debate outside Carpe Diem, Dylon Stubbs power. Less. Like getting knocked in the 2. Renee of the public eye. While the Philosopher chin by the boot opening a bit too quick. 1. Renée King may appear aloof, they warm quickly “He who would trade liberty for some Wowee, you’ll wonder how you ever man- to those who ply their favour with food (or temporary security, deserves neither.” aged with any other name. Here are my Your car has been christened in the other treats)! (That’s Jefferson! ) top ten names for your boy or girl car. church of big vrooms! Happy Driving!

Fine, and Finer Tastes, delicately adorned by ephemeral wisps of final edge of the toast had a taste, that carpet fuzz, as if to wink at danger. taste was loneliness. with Michel d’Gobblin: Review: some toast that fell on the This is a unique culinary threat. It heightens I would change nothing were I to sample one’s pulse, and the resultant heady this meal again (and I shall!). Such floor but is probably still good anticipation does to a meal what not even spectacular minimalism is a victory best three (or perhaps four hats) could adorn. left unquestioned. There is culinary delight to be found in the chin, fumbling a plate on account of one For this is a masterpiece of interactive dining, simplest of places. One needn’t (indeed, conciliatory sherry-too-many. A beautiful daring to flirt with the ugly, eschewing Every crumb is a blessing, befitting of the shouldn’t!) venture out to a five star scene, tragically punctuated by a very that tastebud populist; convention. kings who foolishly squander their days in restaurant to arouse the gustatory sense, to thunderbolt from the Gods! The meal, the dining halls of Blumenthal and Pierre- tantalise the tongue and to court human exiled to the floor! But the true test of a masterpiece is in the White. I have sampled the offerings of spit. I have known the greatest excess, but eating: the first bite of the toast yielded such king-pleasers and they fall (as if a I last-night knew revelation. At first glance, it seemed nothing special. a slightly dry crispness, evoking foreign piece of toast!) in the face of this fallen A square of toast, presented buttered-side deserts and a shameful squall of neglect. piece of toast. Imagine, if you can, a portly, but down on a square of slightly faded grey The crust, largely unremarkable, gave way altogether quite handsome man with carpet. A bold visual statement indeed – to a moist centre, impossibly soggy, were it the kiss of unkempt whiskers upon his the edges of the toast (artfully shy of burnt) not for its carpet germination. If the stale, Five stars. I haven’t a single regret.

PUZZLES, REITERATIONS AND RETRACTIONS Ian Ferrington in a road-rage incident 6. True or False: Michael Richardson’s G that followed an altercation over a parking tongue has hairs on.

space. SOLUTIONS

The Garter wishes to retract certain claims 7. Last week, our gossip section published again! getcha she’ll And Reiterated. 9.

made in last week’s issue. As our burned- 3. The Garter last week published that Sam salacious images, suggesting Sophia Rob- Retracted 8.

quite-badly puzzles editor has yet to be Langford had approved more than for- erts and Cam Smith had been caught out Walsh Peter to due was credit Photo 7.

replaced, these claims will be amalgamated ty-thousand dollars of public funding for in a cupboard. Do we retract or reiterate claim. true a is This Reiterated. 6.

with puzzles in a Garter special. a lizard racecar. the allegations? Retracted 5.

4. Retracted, settled out of court. of out settled Retracted, 4.

1. Of William Edwards it was said that 4. Patrick Morrow was said to have slain 8. Eden Tollis’ artworks rival those of Jo- Retracted 3.

“no amount of potion could repair his bro- the first-borns of a thousand mothers. seph Mallord Wilson Turner. issued apology formal Retracted, 2. ken heart” and the witches pity him. Retracted 1. 5. Did the Garter correctly or incorrectly 9. Mary Ward is a good-for-nothing, rap- 2. We claimed that Dominic Ellis claim that Thomas Murphyapproved of the scallion what theived a loaf of bread. had killed four pedestrians, including assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand? 27 Students’ Representative Council The University of Sydney

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