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Mon I Ca Lewinsky· · ·A· Tte·Nded . .Stern PURIM 1999 rtw' Olficial Cillll,1t1l\('l'Olls Oulburst of '\'t•shiva Colh•gl' •• "Kiss Yom• TLil7il <,omlbrt•" PURl\t 5751) YESHIVA UNIVERSITY MOVES TO SHUT DOWN COLLEGE FOR STERN WOMEN BY SHAINDY KAHN An unreliable source has informed The Commentator this week of Rabbi Dr.Norman Lamm's pending decision to shut down the College. for Stern Women at the close of the semester. The move would be consistent with Rabbi . Lamb's decision to close dowA The Marsha Stern Talmudical Academy. Lamm stated, "There is no room for females anywhere in society," David Rosen, Director of Public Relations and Face Saver for Lamm and the entire University, stated, "While Rabbi lamm's · quote was taken out of context,there is a def­ inite place for women in society, but a religious institution is not when YUPR will accidentally leak· mastermind behind the plans for Shameless Con, was not overly that place." He later stated, incomplete and incorrect informa- shutdown. When asked about his concerned with the impending "Culinary school might be a better· tion to TheJewish Week. personal influence on the decision, shutdown. She stated,"lt is not the solution for those women looking Coming as no surprise to this Socol muttered, "Lamm can't stop students' responsibility to worry to attain a higher education and Commentator reporter, Vice me ...uh ...no comment. YUPR about such non-important deci­ useful skills for life." Presid�nt ofFinance (and anything shovels all the manure you need." sions. It is our responsibility to Plans of the shutdown will else that he feels enters his fascist Socol then retreated to his office take our remaining months at this bec(lme official later this week re ime) Sheldon Socol is the true mumbling something involving a institution to find some good ---......-=---....------ fence, a paddle, a spanking, and Yeshiva Collegeboyfor marriagein Mon ca son Jeff. order that we may thrust ourselves When ask�d about her opinions into full adulthood well before we on the shutdown, Observer Editor- are ready."'. Other prominent LewinskyI · in Chief,Susan Jacobs, stated,"The women on campus were unavail- plan was merely a vicious muck- ablefor comment as we are amidst ·A· tte·nded raking ploy by The Commentator." another 'No-Tax' week here in New · She went on to say, "I'll believe it York. when I read it in Yeshiva Today." Reaction in the wider University ..Stern College for Stern Women Rotund Maidele Student Council President, continued on page 7 11Made Her MOSES-AND JACOBS TO WED BY fRUMA SHIDDUCH PresenceFelt'' t(i:f2Jg��f!,iirmcl���r�i�mtr!#xi1t�:·Ii:i�11 BY ROSIE O'DONNELL_ Sheldon: It's okay son, You will The · Commentator grow to love her, just as I always wishes to congratulate A recent discovery of lost do. Adam Moses and· Susan Yeshiva University records . has Jacobs on their recent . revealed th�t _ Monica Lewinsky The discovery affirms what has engagement. Thewed­ attended Stem College, SSSB '90, been long suspected - the curva­ ding, scheduled to take and dropped out afterreceiving a ceous brunette is a sew alumna. place on,April 1, was said lucrative internship with 'Sheldon "She shops at the Gap,,.not too to be a match "made in Socol. bright, _incredibly annoyi�g, and heaven" by such leading Using an exclusive phone tap obviously went to_ Shatfman's. authorities as Ri.!bbi courtesy of the Russian Who could have thought other­ Norman Lamm,who indi­ Hacker/Porno-Download-in-the­ wise?" asked Shlomie Hockerberg, cated that he loves .it Library Club we provide you with YC 'OO, when Uptown students· this transcript: · Yet some Yeshiva bochrim unite with their down­ Sheldon: Jeffrey, I have. some appeared to be interested in pur­ town counterparts in pro­ good news for. you! suing the rotund maidele despite creative endeavors. Jeff: What Daddy? What? Did her shortcomings. Known for her Giving them the ancient you get me a nellVfire engine like designer clothes, many were curi­ Torah U'Maddah blessing we saw at Toys R'Us? ous what simon to look for on her of "May you never be Sheldon: No Jeffrey. You know dress. "It's not Hilfiga, I'll tell you machmir in the laws of that we can't afford new toys until that," attested Chaim Berlin, SSSB Niddah," Lamm is also after the budget - meeting. I '01. purported to be the already told you I am working on a Her transcript reflects interest Mesader Kiddushin for the two love deep and sonorous voice, "It was major layoff to get . you that and skill in public speech. Newly birds. actually cubic zirconium." PlayStation you wanted. mustached speech teacher This union also marks a drastic Jacobs, obviously elated by her Jeff: Yippee! Anthony Beukas commented, departure from the couple's past remarkable good fortune,gushed, "I Sheldon: There is something "She's orally gifted, yet not quite relationships, which had revolved never knew men could be this else I want to tell you Jeffrey. It's my style." around mindless bickering and much fun. Thisis the best day of my about that woman in my office,the · Some Yeshiva administrators pointless argumentation. When life." Moses agreed, "This is easily one with the blue dress. She may have refused to comment on questioned about the engagement, the best day of Susan's life." be your new mommy depending whether Lewinsky attended Stern. Moses replied "I found her cantan- Jacobs was so excited by the on Rav Tendler's psak. When asked about Lewinsky's , kerous outbursts to be quite sey:y." announcement of the marriage that Jeff: (sniffling) 4 don't llke her, matriculation at Stern, Yeshiva Jacobs herself noted,"well,um, well, she actually included real news daddy. Once you met her, you um,um, he like gave me a large, um, began to smoke those big cigars. continued on page 9 diamond ring." Moses added in his continued on page B Page 2 . PURIM 1999 THE COMMIE SUTRA Stream of COMMIESUfRA Commentator Riker's Island (Suicide Watch Division) Consciousness E-Mail: [email protected]. How can you bring o.nly hard liquor to .The Commie forPurim issue layout Telephone: (770) 613-0666, Fax: {212) 928-8637. and why isn't there a dedicated bartender? Well, we do have Laura. Who the An amorally operated student publication fueled by various pharmaceuticals and a lot of hell are all these guys? Will the Buskin Dynasty outlast the Ming? Is Danciger beer. Paid for by the suckers of the Yeshiva College Student Council, especially Dror and · Hadar, and published on a bi-sexual basis whenever we get around to it. The chauvinistic Quadrangle the only battlefield in Washington Heights? Is the SSSB index views expressed herein are those of the faculty,administrati on, and the entire student body . really a five· point scale? How long does it take to adjust to 9-5 from the three We do not necessarily endorse the legalization of prostitution and marijuana, although we to three sleep cycle? Are Snapple bottles ammo in the Morg wars? Does any­ cannot think of any compelling objections to such propositions. Copyright 1999, The Commie one remember the computer porn article (you know,"lt's the guys giggling in Sutra. Seventy-two issues free, $150.00 a piecefor Jeff Socol. Kids, don't try this at home the corner")? US News & World Report: Dump Stern and Syms or you're out. unless thoroughly inebriated while playing with semi-automatic weapons. I don't understand Moses' words or Fishman's alcoholic nonsense. What does YCSC do and why is Socol in it? Anyone find out what they're doing to Furst ADAM "GOAT GETTER" MOSES MORDECHAI "GOATEE"FISHMAN Hall? Close Amsterdam, plant grass. Take AOL off the YU computers. OPCS Chief Orator of the Goats Sar HaMashkin of the Goats this, nothin' else to say. If you NYers vote forthat ringer, Hillary Rodham, you deserve what you get. I say if you go to the Seforim Sale to find a shid-. CHANAN "BILLY GOAT" HOSCHANDER • . · duch... oh, what the hell. Which Stern girl is rooming with Monica on the ExecutiveGoat Herder Upper West Side (if you know, email me).· Torah U'Madda, does anyone under­ n stand? Damn the Belter elevators. Did the YU hockey team beat Ramaz? YEHUDA "GOAT BURNS ALEX "GOAT BOY"TRAIMAN Who's Hoschander? What time Is Shiur? Chick Night at the SeforimSale. Oh; Goat Lover Par Excellance Goat Master General did I say that already? The Office of the Registrar, I'm impressed .with the i YOSEF "MULE" LEVINE YISHAI "GOAT BEATER" FLEISHER improvements, now about those conflicting classes... The Caf, l m . hungry. Sometimes I like to spend· hours in the Brookdale lobby contemplating the Terribly Beaten Useless Messianic Goat Innuendo Master of The Goats · meaning of iife. A rerun of the uHomosexual" episode of Dorm Talks could BEN "CYBER GOAT' SANDLER JOSH "VIRTUAL GOAT"YUTER . L..J . beat ER during sweeps. A quick surgery and you too can trade in your rent Goat Milking Personnel Goat Milking Receptacle .. controiled Morg room foran upscale Schottenstein condo. Stern girls, I have i-lamevaser, - two words for.you: CZ. now that's quality reading. Note to Observer SHEPHERDS-AT-LARGE I 7 shareholders: cleah house and hire the staffof the MTA Academy News. How do I clean the Sosa paint offmy rea·r window? w_e need more Se'lr L'Azazel Norman Lamm parking. I hear the fourthfloor of Belfer might be available soon (see above· Tyranny Sheldon "Bloated Goat"Socot US News et. ijl). Greetings from Washington Heights, wish you could be here.
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