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Monday 12 March 2007 Published by the USSU Comms Office Issue Number 1110 FREE www.ussu.co.uk barefThe Universitya of Surrey Students’cts Newspaper In this 24 page edition Construction begins on Vice-Chancellor’s new citadel BY PETE NATTRESS The citadel itself is due to be constructed on including Worshipping Techniques, Kneeling NOT NEWS EDITOR the current site of the Austin Pearce building. Positions and Citadel Construction. Exams Marcus Himself was personally present for the will continue, however, students achieving less CONSTRUCTION WORK BEGAN today on our demolition of the building, which was carried than a ninety percent average will be executed HAT S ON THIS W ’ glorious leader’s luxurious new citadel, out with dozens of foolish students still inside. in front of their families. “Failure to yield to my FORTNIGHT? cementing His position as our rightful “I am eliminating these extraneous places of rule shall not be tolerated! All shall yield or face GRAPEVINE | and omnipotent commander-in-chief. The learning,” he declared. “The only learning my godly wrath!” stated Marcus in a memo to structure, which is planned to be over 300 which needs to be performed henceforth examiners. Students caught having fun in any PAGES 11 & 14 meters in height, will allow our omniscient is learning how to yield to my iron rule!” way will also face severe punishments. NUS master to constantly observe us as we go Resistance to the rise of our righteous new president Trisha Goldberg stated that she about our subservient duties. It will be wrought leader has been weak and short-lived. Only thought Marcus was setting a good example out of the darkest iron, forged in the fires of a handful of traitors spoke out against the for other universities to follow. “This hands- Hell itself, with a resonance of evil which will rise of Marcus, all of whom have since been on attitude towards student welfare is just make His enemies quake in their treacherous ‘disciplined’. “All shall sing my praises and the sort of thing the NUS wants to see from NAVEED BARAKZAI boots. It will also contain a games room. kneel before me,” shouted Marcus from his other, less active Vice-Chancellors,” she said. LOOKS AT THE CAUSES & His Great Highness, Marcus Trevail the First, temporary office on the top floor of Rubix. All students are commanded to report came to power last week in a bloody coup Students have been ordered to learn a tribute to the site of the Citadel on Monday SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION in which the incumbent Vice-Chancellor was song to Marcus, the first lines of which are as morning at 5am to commence the COMMENT | PAGE 5 overthrown and promptly defenestrated, as follows: “Oh great Marcus Trevail / Whilst he construction process. YIELD OR DIE! is the ancient protocol with regards to Vice- leads us we shall never fail / There is no man who Chancellorship. “He was a weak man,” decried is better / Say otherwise and you’re a traitor”. This is most certainly Marcus the Wise. “He laboured under the An insubordinate linguist was blasphemous NOT NEWS! misapprehension that a university is a place of enough to suggest education. My primary undertaking will be to that ‘better’ does not undo all the treacherous work he has done.” rhyme with ‘traitor’, In his first diktat as Vice-Chancellor, Marcus to which the cunning assumed control over all aspects of student Marcus responded, media, but in his wisdom has allowed barefacts “The English language to remain impartial and unbiased by his new will yield to my rule!” SABBATICAL ELECTION & rule. Marcus the Brave also dissolved the The linguist concerned USSU, forcing the President into exile before will no longer speak EFERENDUM ESULTS R R boldly proclaiming that “the last remnants ill of Marcus. Or NEWS | PAGE 2 of the old Union have been swept away.” walk, for that matter. To complement our master’s marvellous Marcus’s new leadership new citadel, other alterations have been made is introducing changes RAG WEEK SPECIAL around the Surrey campus. The water in the to every course CENTRE PULLOUT lake has been replaced with the sacrificial blood currently offered of a thousand unbelievers, Chancellors has at Surrey. In lieu of been turned into a shrine to the Trevail Family, their regular degree and several academic buildings have been programmes, students demolished in preparation for the construction will all now experience of a 100 foot gold effigy of the noble Marcus. a fixed curriculum An artist’s impression of the VC’s new citadel RAG Week Special BY JOSH BATES raises money and gives it to deserving causes. commitment. Plus the opportunity to meet SURREY DOES ‘DAM DEPUTY EDITOR Welcome to the 2006-07 offering of bad new people, satisfaction from helping others taste humour (see above) from barefacts and and gain various difference experiences! LAST CHANCE TO RAG nowadays is an acronym for Raising And the students of the University of Surrey. It’s not too late to get involved - just pop BOOK! | PAGE 20 Giving, whereby, in simple terms, everybody RAG is entirely voluntary, there is no set time into the Students’ Union to find out more... RAG WEEK SPECIAL | WARNING - THIS IS NOT NEWS ** WARNING -- THIS IS NOT NEWS ** WARNING - THIS IS NOT NEWS “joshfacts sophfacts 2 NEWS 12 March 2007 12 March 2007 NEWS 3 All Change at USSU University funding to rise by 6.4% Y OSH ATES B J B Sabbatical Election Results BY JOSH BATES interest for previously struggling science and maths subjects. EPUTY DITOR D E DEPUTY EDITOR Applications for engineering degrees were up by more than UNION PRESIDENT 43.1%, physics 47.8%, biological science-based subjects 97.7% HE RESULTS OF T the elections held over the past few weeks Papers received: 1290 THE HIGHER EDUCATION Funding Council for England (HEFCE) and maths 43.8%. Nationwide, the rise is not as sizeable with for the sabbatical positions at the Students’ Union were Valid papers: 1125 | Quota required: 563 has announced that universities in England will share £7.14 applications up by an average 6.4% with similar figures for announced on Friday 2nd March to a nervous audience. Michael Anton: 371 | Alex Collins: 661 billion for research, teaching, vulnerable subjects and special other vulnerable subjects. 1290 voted, approximately a mere 10% of the student Reopen Nominations: 93 funding in the coming year. The funding application is 6.4% “This extra funding was a response to some of the populous of Surrey, despite the fact the number of positions VP EDUCATION more than last year and enough to fund an extra 33,000 pressures that high-cost disciplines face,” Prof Eastwood said. available for the 2007-08 sabbatical team had increased from Papers received: 1290 places for full-time students. Almost £1.41 billion will go on “The issues for vulnerable subjects vary. In some places it is four to five in light of the recent split of the traditional VP Valid papers: 902 | Quota required: 451 research, which is an increase of 5.4% on last year. Top-rated cost and in others it is demand.” Education & Welfare role into two positions. Left-to-right: Mike, Zeph, Gems & Alex Mike Blakeney: 701 | Reopen Nominations: 201 departments at 23 universities will receive the bulk of the He acknowledged that teaching “remained under-funded”, This year, a particular point of contention surrounded cash. but said that this would be reconsidered next year and that taken by Mark ‘Zeph’ Griffiths, the USSU Executive’s current the elections of VP Education, VP Welfare and VP Sport & VP WELFARE In an attempt to fund and encourage the study of chemistry, participation, £738m for capital grants and £449m for “special the current “recovery” was particularly encouraging. Student Experience Officer and twice Societies Officer (2004- Recreation. Due to a drop in nominations, students only had Papers received: 1290 engineering and physics, institutions will receive an extra £75 funding”. He continued: “The position for teaching is much better 2006). Griffiths’ has been heavily involved with the Students’ the choice to Re-Open Nominations (RON) or one real Valid papers: 902 | Quota required: 451 million over the next three years. Due to waning popularity HEFCE’s Chief Executive, Professor David Eastwood, than it was ten years ago. Institutions need to be as efficient Union in his time at Surrey, not only as a member of the candidate for the three positions; although the latter was only Sophia Hawkins: 720 | Reopen Nominations: 182 amongst these subjects in recent years, the extra cash commented: “This is a good settlement for universities and as they can. The fact that universities will have tuition fee Union Executive but also Stage Crew and St. John’s LINKS. uncontested due to two dropouts during the campaign. injection from the government is a recognition that they are colleges, providing both stability in terms of their forward income puts them in a substantially better position.” Sophia Hawkins and Mike Blakeney, both second year In what is thought to have been an unprecedented move, VP SOCIETIES & INDIVIDUAL DEVELOPMENT expensive to teach. planning and a healthy rate of growth at a period which None of the sums for university funding include the money Politics students were elected as VP Educaiton and VP Welfare Paul Follows, a second year Politics student co-ordinated a Papers received: 1290 Teaching and research funding totals £5.8 billion, making otherwise would have been unhelpfully turbulent. Almost all institutions currently receive from student tuition fees of up respectively. Hawkins and Blakeney are currently Editor and vigorous RON campaign, even speaking on behalf of RON at Valid papers: 1024 | Quota required: 512 up part of an overall package of £7.1 billion, which also institutions will receive an uplift in their grants of 2% and to £3,000 a year.