Psychic Detective

FORUM Cool Careers for Dummies: Psychic Detective PAUL DESORMEAUX ne of the highest-rated shows fat with regular dead people or dream detective a difficult one? Well, some on Court TV’s schedule of smart, up new ways of avoiding the Amazing of the barriers you can expect are the Olegal ly oriented programming is Randi. sourpuss skeptics, like Joe Nickell, Gary Psychic Detectives. This is a weekly nonfic- Of course, before deciding whether or Posner, and their ilk, who may try to tion show that’s been running for about not to pursue a specific occupation, it’s dissuade you from entering the field by four years in which famous psychic sleuths important to know if there are jobs avail- insisting there’s no evidence that any help police track down killers and missing able. Since most police departments claim psychic detective has ever solved a single and murdered people through various they would never consider using psychics crime. This, of course, is preposterous. scientific means, such as “catching some to help solve crimes—although one survey Apparently their research has never led vibes” while staring at a missing person’s indicates that anywhere from one-fourth them to the biographical TV series, picture, envisioning images—or halluci- to one-third of departments revealed they Medium, which clearly contradicts their nating—while strolling through a crime would consider using them—you would findings. Let’s get with it, guys. scene, or developing a few “hunches” think job opportunities would approach For those of you who can ignore these while fondling a victim’s Rubik’s Cube. the number zero, but let’s look at the nattering nabobs of negativism and are Often the popularity of an occupation simple facts: If law enforcement didn’t still considering psychic detective work on television drives the public to want at least consider psychic information, as a promising career, what follows are to work in the same field. For example, Psychic Detectives wouldn’t exist. And if some basic scientific techniques that you viewers of CBS’s Ghost Whisperer might police don’t use psychic sleuths, well, how can practice within your own home. This want to find work as earthbound spirits have the cops been solving crimes up until starter kit will lead you to proficiency in someday. However, too often pursu- now? By themselves? Please. Trust me, this burgeoning occupational field. ing these attractive-looking jobs requires the opportunities for psychic detective First, you must master the art of “ret- years of studying, lectures, exams, and work are plentiful. rofitting.” Basically, this means that you beer pong. Well, the good news is you What situation would get a police must provide an amalgam of uselessly don’t need no stinking college degree department to call in a psychic? Most “logical” clues at the beginning of the to become a famous psychic detective; a claim they use psychics only when a case investigation. As an example, let’s say little unsound reasoning and chutzpah, has reached, excuse the pun, a “dead” you’re brought in to track down a miss- which is a Yiddish word for “humongous end. To me, this is twisted logic. If I ing grandfather. When asked by police gonads,” is all that’s required. were heading a murder or missing-per- about your impressions—or even if The psychic detective job descrip- son investigation, I would bring the Paul DesOrmeaux is a skeptical satirist tion is fairly straightforward: assist psychic in on the front end, so that the whose writings offer a humorous perspec- police departments all over the world case could be resolved immediately. tive on all skeptical issues, great and small. in solving murder cases and finding Solving crimes would be less messy He teaches college writing, including its missing persons, sometimes while sit- and complicated if they didn’t involve connection to critical thinking, and he ting in the comfort of one’s own home. unreliable and time-wasting eyewitness oversees the Rochester (NY) Skeptics group. Occasion ally, when business is slow and testimony and DNA, fingerprint, and He can be reached at skepticalfunhouse missing persons decide to take a couple icky blood-splatter evidence. @gmail.com. of weeks off, psychic detectives may Is the road to becoming a psychic use this break in the action to chew the SKEPTICAL INQUIRER March / April 2008 63 FORUM you’re not asked—always provide them when it’s discovered they pulled you Another neat gimmick is to present with common, standard clues, like head into the case, so they’ll praise your “hit” your “predictions” after a crime has been and chest problems and bodies of water and ignore your cacophony of misses. solved, but insist you predicted it before- and some kind of foliage and a number After a crime has been solved, with hand. By “predicting” events after all the like 18, all of which can fit almost any which you had nothing to do what- facts are in, you will be guaranteed 96 situation. If the investigators eventually soever, there are still a couple of neat percent accuracy (even a sighted squir- find that grandpa died of a heart attack tricks you can draw upon to build up rel will miss a nut now and then) and while on a hotel toilet, you could claim the reputation you’ve worked so hard impress the gullible media who will in a “hit” because he’s near a body of water, to earn. First and foremost, exploit the turn feed the general public’s insatiable there is plant life in and around the gullibility of the public, which can be appetite for possessing magical abilities hotel, and he was 81 a couple of years summed up in two words: Creation once they learn how to develop them. ago! Uncanny, isn’t it? Museum. Finally, gain exposure on as many Additionally, you must be diligent. media outlets as you possibly can. Brag Unfortunately, as a psychic sleuth, every on and on about your successes to the once in awhile you’ll need to get off Too often pursuing . mass media, which is to critical thinking your ass and do some actual investigat- attractive-looking jobs what a Twinkie is to food. They will ing. Let’s say a wife has been reported support you and promote your chosen missing by an unfaithful, sociopathic requires years of career by highlighting your “hits.” Since husband named Scott. Before contact- studying, lectures, a clear majority of recent journalism ing the police with your insights, it’s a exams, and beer pong. graduates believe in ESP, they will save smart idea to study all the news stories their investigative reporting skills for about the case, as well as check any Well, the good news is more heavy-hitting stories, such as chick- Internet stories and blogs and maps of you don’t need no en-wing-eating contests and stolen baby the area. Also talk to some of the par- monkeys. ties involved. When the police contact stinking college degree How will you answer those few you, play dumb as though you know to become a famous skeptics who ask impertinent, irrele- nothing about the case and then pro- psychic detective; a lit- vant, and smart-ass questions about ceed to reveal your “visions,” which the inability to solve high-profile cases, might include the letters “SP” and H2O. tle unsound reasoning such as: Who were Chandra Levy and They will already be familiar with this and chutzpah, which Jon-Benet Ram sey’s killers? Where is information but will be impressed any- Natalee Holloway, Judge Crater, and way because psychic detectives are not is a Yiddish word for Noah’s Ark? And why was it so diffi- known for being devious and deceitful. ‘humongous gonads,’ cult to sniff out such obvious wackos Also, learn to pile it on. In other as Charles Manson or the Unabomber? words, pepper the professional inves- is all that’s required. No problema. Just vacuously state that tigators with as much “evidence” as your specialty is low-profile cases and your clever and imaginative mind can Convince people you were actually that you’ve helped police solve over five conjure up. If they’re looking for a successful by insisting that muffs are hundred other, more significant crimes missing college coed, for example, blast hits. If the missing individual is not (which they will cannily deny), then them with the whole kit and caboodle, technically dead and buried as you had dismiss them by going into a trance such as: the woods, a bumpy road, face originally and convincingly reported, while blurting out a few “clues,” like “I stubble, a scar, a tattoo, random initials insist that he’s spiritually “dead” because see a square and he’s got a toe disease (BD or DB, order doesn’t matter), a he’s been “buried” under an avalanche and dark skin.” bunch of numbers, an oily smell, toe of work. Follow this up immediately by So, if you’ve got the right personal- fungus, a rainbow of colors, chest and pounding your fist on the table and yell- ity for the job—which means you can head injuries, circles and squares, sock ing out, “Nailed it!” First, the general lie with a straight face, you’re fine with puppets, a kidney stone, and go with the public, such as Larry King and Montel fraudulent behavior, you have a basic dark skin. If it’s discovered that she was Williams viewers, embrace simplicity understanding of probability, you can actually staying with a friend who sports and will be too intellectually lazy (see manipulate the masses to give you money, a tattoo of Olive Oyl (“O”s are circles!), Creation Museum) to challenge your you’re self-delusional, you’ve got an excess you’re golden.

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