Ghost Hunter
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FORUM More Cool Careers for Dummies: Ghost Hunter PAUL DESORMEAUX hile searching for jobs during plasm with an apparition, you can will need the basic equipment listed below. these challenging economic bet your sweet poltergeist that ghost busters Luckily, ghost-finding starter kits are fairly Wtimes, the general type of ques- will be in demand for years to come—espe- inexpensive and will cost you no more than, tion job seekers ask is “How am I going to cially if the ghost population continues say, a month’s worth of “donations” to the fill my gas tank on a %$#%@ telemarketer’s increasing because of human beings’ per- sperm bank. Once you’re established as a salary?” If you’re someone who thinks out- sistent habit of dying. genuine, professional ghost chaser, you’ll be side the cubicle, though, it’s only a matter As for educational requirements, whether able to add more expensive and sophisticated of time before you begin exploring a variety you’re a college graduate, a couple of plumb- tools to your arsenal, e.g., the Ectomobile of lucrative and cutting-edge career choices, ers, or occasionally forget to breathe, you’re S3000 and a psychic on retainer. such as crop-circle designer, cult leader, or fortune-cookie writer. May I also suggest Basic Ghost Hunting Equipment You can bet your sweet printing up a stack of Ghost Hunter busi- Notebook and pencil Use these essential ness cards? poltergeist that ghost busters utensils to write down any abnormal obser- What are the job prospects for a ghost vations, impressions of strange appearances will be in demand for years to hunter in this day and age? Since about and noises, and while you’re endlessly wait- one-third of the U.S. population believes come—especially if the ghost ing for an actual paranormal event, a list of in things that go bump in the night and euphemisms for female breasts. population continues increasing one-quarter believes, they’ve come face-to- Flashlight Wave this handy item around because of human beings’ a haunted house and those boundless, persistent habit of dying. ecto- uniquely qualified to hunt spiritual thingamajigs. If, however, you think you might be more market- able if you can wave credentials under a potential client’s nose, by all means look into credits bizarre reflections will surely be interpreted and certificates you can earn from as ethereal events. Altern atively, you’ll snap a number of reputable sources, pictures a-plenty when it’s used to create such as online courses, Manila’s spooky hand shadows. “diploma” mill, or your computer Dowsing rod These must-have ghost-lo- print-er. With minimum effort on Paul DesOrmeaux wrote “Cool Careers for your part, you won’t be just any Dummies: Psychic Detective” in our March/ idiot hunting for ghosts; you’ll be a April 2008 issue. He oversees the Rochester- certified one. ville Skeptics Club in Central New York. When you eventually decide Email: [email protected]. on a career in hunting spirits, you SKEPTICAL INQUIRER November / December 2008 57 FORUM cators—which are traditionally used equipment, your car, and your electronic to find water—consist of two L-shaped propeller beanie. rods of specialized light metal, such as brass, Before taking digital pictures, never copper, or coat hanger. By holding one rod clean the lens. Dust particles, insects, and lightly in each hand and pointing them away smudges left on the lens will guarantee clear from your body, they will cross, rise, or dip evidence of “spiritual irregularities.” when encountering a ghost’s energy field or Smoke cigarettes. While puffing away, urine puddle. keep your camera clicking. Where there’s Digital camera Although any camera will smoke, there are billowy, swirly, cancer-caus- ing ghosts. Always bring along a buddy. It’s good legal practice to have a witness available if a phan- tom accuses you of spiritual harass ment. Drink alcoholic beverages, ingest drugs. Overactive imaginations increase the chances of reporting apparitional phenomena. Gather information before investigating a haunted house. When getting started, favor houses where the deceased was obese. It’s Digital audio recorder (DAR) Al though only logical that it’s easier to spot fat ghosts. do, a digital camera is especially effective you might think ghosts go quietly about Get the property owner’s permis- at photographing ghost “orbs.” Medically their business, they actually knock items sion before entering a haunted house. speaking, these ghostettes, or “balls of light,” off walls, levitate objects, and are able to Otherwise she may mistake you for an are thought to be early ghost embryos. verbalize without vocal chords (known as intruder. In our gun-loving culture, many Digital video camera Video affirmation of Electronic Voice Phenomena). DARs can a trigger-happy, haunted-house owner has ghosts is always more impressive than still provide clear evidence of ghost vocalizations, magically converted a ghost “hunter” into a shots, e.g., close-up, out-of-focus images of such as “boo,” “whooo,” and “If thou didst ghost “hunted.” Boo Berry cereal floating in milk. Be respectful. In all likelihood, ghosts are ever thy father love, revenge his foul and probably angry that you’re living and they’re most unnatural murder.” not. So when you converse with them, be diplomatic. If they’re confrontational, stay positive. “Would you like a hot cup of ions” is more appropriate than “Go suck on a battery.” Ask the spirits plenty of questions. How- ever, don’t expect an immediate EVP, since it’s obvious they lack a primary auditory cortex. As an alternative, keep the recording device running, ask your questions, and leave for awhile. When you return, at the Infrared thermometer Because ghosts very least you’ll pick up mysterious sounds of absorb ambient energy, they will be warmer footsteps retreating from and then approach- than the air around them, which this ther- ing the recorder. mometer will record. Any ten-degree change So, if you can arm yourself with the can indicate the presence of a ghost or, more proper ghost-hunting equipment, if you’ve likely, flatulence. studied and follow the basic spirit-find- ing rules, and if you have a tendency to Ghost Hunting Rules see human-like images in sweat stains or EMF detector This invaluable piece of Follow these simple rules and, who knows, bowls of chili, an exciting, recession-proof, equipment measures electromagnetic radi- before long you may be hosting your own ghost-hunting career is just an illusion or ation and is used to detect a ghost’s energy ghost-hunting podcast. two away. ! field. Any positive reading inside a haunted Bring extra batteries. Ghosts or spirits need house could be a clear sign of a ghost, spirit, energy to materialize, so they will sap the or toaster oven. energy from the batteries in your electronic 58 Volume 32, Issue 6 SKEPTICAL INQUIRER.