Inscape
Volume 27 | Number 2 Article 15
10-2007 Degrees of Cold Holly Baker
Follow this and additional works at: https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/inscape
Recommended Citation Baker, Holly (2007) "Degrees of Cold," Inscape: Vol. 27 : No. 2 , Article 15. Available at: https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/inscape/vol27/iss2/15
This Essay is brought to you for free and open access by BYU ScholarsArchive. It has been accepted for inclusion in Inscape by an authorized editor of BYU ScholarsArchive. For more information, please contact [email protected], [email protected]. Holly Baker DEGREES OF
Tou!!'s !es /Jassio11s 11 e soul {////rt c/1ost qw /rs dirers drgrl'S de la cl,a/nn cl de lajioidmr du sa11g. [All jJassions are 110/!ting dse titan di/]i-rl'nl degrl'l'S q/ !teal and co ld q/ !!tr /Jlood. 7 ~ La R oc/11fo11m11ld, Prem ier S11jJJJ/r111m!( l 11 I)
I SIT o , a snowy bank, my lf'gs wf't up past tlw knef' and my ha nds ba re and red. Besid f' me, j f' n li es on her back, her soakf' d coat o n thf' ground bf'sicl e her and her boots a ft'w feet awav. As the seconds ti ck by, my cl oth es stiffen against my skin , ha rcl f" ning as water turns to ice in the fri gid air. I can see crys tals forming in J en's long braid a nd thin lashes. She is not shaking. Not ye t.Just brf'athing, clf'e pl y- long, rasping, stf'adying brf'alhs. Thf'n COLD
shr coughs. H er hrrath escapes in ,isiblc puffs of air. The car rests ,it some distancr up thr hill , a distance that seems so much longer because of two-kct deep snow. I don't know if I can stand, but I kno\\' l c.m'L carry her there. It's too la1: 1 have LO wait until I can feel, until I ca n mo\·e. ,\boYe and surrounding us, the sky is g ra y and has 110 warmth The sun a di stant orb, paler than the moon. The lake looks like hardened fog, its surface dusted white a nd smooth hut fo r one break in the field of whitr: a jaggrcl hole that IT veals the thinness of th e icr so close Lo the shorr. That's \\'here she fell in. I ran scr it from where I sit , see th e trail cut th rough th e ice, broken as easi ly as glass. The water is dark and laps slo\\'ly aga in st the shards. Our gear still li es on one sid e- of' the hole: onr pole a nd a kit. A line st ill runs into tlw watn The other is lost. I kn ow I will not go back k)r a ny of it~ rwntua ll y, it will a ll be lost to the lake. I had ta ken off my gloves to fill thr sinkr 1: .tvl y fin gers wne alrrady stiff and cold br neath the glows, but I could not ma nipulate th r tiny rubbn plug through the thick fin ger paddin g. Sol had srt th em aside, kn elt by th r tiny hole ,vr had ca rved, and rdeasecl th e plu g. The shock of pure cold bi t through th e fl rsh of my hand a nd straight to the bone, stealing my breath away in a gzisp. The pain was real, but the pleasure also to feel something so potent, so unequivocall y genuine as pure, unal loved cold . Fi ve seconds. Ten seconds. The cold began to burn. [ screamed a nd laughed, watching th e air rise from in side thr sinker in tiny, !1uttering bubbles and knowin g I had to hold my hand there for seconds more, until th e last of the bubbles had escaped a nd burst. That's when I heard the omi nous sound of' splitting ice. A fri ghtened gasp. A frantic scramble. A scrram. In one, in conceivable instant, l watched J en's head di sappear beneath black wa te1: :\Tow J en moans. l see she is shiverin g vio lently, a nd at the same moment I begin to feel the battle of heal agziinst cold rnter mv fin gertips as
.H I press them against my chest benC'a th my sweat shirt , uncln my coat. ~-Ly heart pumps \\·a rm blood to my l<' gs, my toes, a nd a ll is to rture. As the heal at last maniksts it self, I know the horror of cold. Softly, it begin s to snm\.
Chi!dr!'II arr' bom /me scil'llfists. T!11y .1j 1011 fr111 e- 011s(y n /1 eri111 m / mid n jln i!'ll r:e and m'.\/H'rima again . . . . T/11y SIi/i'ii. fas/I', bifr,, {I/Ir/ fo11d1 -festjor harr/11 css. srifiness, sj1 ri11g i111'ss, ro 11gh11 pss. s111o ot!111 l'ss. co ldness, ll'(lrl//1/l'SS. . .. - Richard B11ck111i11stn fi11/ln
" I remember that winter \\'ell. Oh, it ,,·as cold 1 Your shoes \\·oulcl freeze to the pa\'cmcnt if yo u stood in rnw pla re loo lo ng. /\ncl it \\·as irnpos siblc to get the Buick running before sunup. Tha t's ho,,· cold iL \\'aS. or course, \\'e couldn't get \'C'I')' fa r, what ,,·ith a ll the sto rms a nd snm,·. A typical \\'isconsin wintc1~ J suppose." I grin as my mother tells the story I ha\'C heard more th an twcnly timrs, once a year, a nd I know th a t the next line ,,·ill start, "Sixteen degrees below." "Sixteen cl rgrres below," she continues, shaking her head as if she still can't beli c, ·c the temperature could drop so low anywhere but the Antarcti c. "That's how cold it was when we brought you home on Christmas Eve. Such a woncl t' rful Christmas girt, o ur little Ho lly berry." On the nint' tet'nth of Dccembe1; 1983, J entered the frosty world a nd found my first home tu be the uppe r- lVIiclwestern town or O conomo woc. Tha t's probably when I developed my toler ance and love o f winte1; of snow and cold a nd ice. As a child in grade school , I looked fo rward to the summer vacation only because it meant no more sc hool- the heat or summer was never m,· fri end. The .\rlidwestern humidity le fr m e feeling sti cky and unclean, a nd I neve r liked the reel of sweat on my pa lms o r hot blood in my cheeks. On sultry cl ays [ so ught out shade or kept indoors. 01; if J had lo go outdoors, I sought out o ther ways to keep cool: running through sprinklers in the front yard, sucking popsicles bought for fifty cents l'rom the icc> cream truck, a nd racin g my bike cl own sleep hills just to feel a breeze on my la ce. But winter ,vas my have n season. As O cto bt' r approached, I would begin lo search the skies for the first snow cloucb~ I learnecl earl y lo iden tif)· them. And then, when the first fl a kes or the season bt'gan lo !a ll , I raced from the ,v zi. rm house lo catch th C' crys ta lli zed rain on my tongue, and
..,6 .1 once enough had landed on the lawn I ballC'd it into my fist to feel it harden and begin to melt al once, welting my palm with !'ri gid w,iter. I lik C'd it. The cold . Every time I touched it fell likC' tl w first time, and I w,is a scientist learning its properties and intensities. J\ snowba ll b c,ime the base of' a snowman. I crunched through six inches of' snow and called to .\leredith to bring the midsection. Our creation would st,ind no higher than three feet ta.II once we \\'ere fini shed, but for eight-year-old girls it was a n imprcssin• Sl \ V<" pl,iyed for another half' a 11 ho ur, but my li.n gcrs onl y lost more and mo1T heat. Soon, I cou ld barely move them al all, a nd we callccl a quit .~-) I to our play. \Ve stomped our feet on tlw porch and slf' j)JJf' d into l'vkrcdith's warm house, shucking ofT our ha ts, coats, and scarves a nd lelling them dry in the entryway. 1 sprf'acl a nd cl enched my cold rm gcrs, willing then1 Lo warm up. ·' Ho ll y, warm up your fin gf' rs at the sink," Mrs. Olson said. I went to thf' kitchen sink and pullf' cl the tap a ll the way Lo thf' lcrt. Thf' hot watf'r hit my hands, and pa in sho t through my knuckl es to the very tips or each fin gf' 1: l gaspf' d through my Lf'c th and withdrew my ha nd. :'vlrs. Olson c1 p1 war ed at my sick. "You don't want Lo do th a t," she said , push in g the tap tlw other way. '·\Varm them up \\~Lh cold watc i: " I 11•a.s i11 lite di!([!, slv l'I' llte oilier drry trying lo gl'I a cold 111 edirnlio11 . .. Nol e11sy. Tl,erl' 's 1111 e11lirl' zm /1 q/ produrls y o11 need. l im s/1111d iltere go ing, Hell, tit is 011 e is quirk arli11g but /!tis is /011g lasting . . . I Vltid, is 111 0/'I' i111pvrla11!, !lte presen t or !lteji,ture? - J eny Sei,!feld Thf' November of my sophomore year of high school st a rted o lT unusua lly warm. I was un- .~8) happy. \\'c ha " It \ \'aS se\·rnty-cigh1 yesterday," he said . And so it \\'as that I fo und myself chang in g into a swimming suit in the \Voods' ba throo m on Friday night. With plans sct llrmly in place, no one had bothered to a ttempt a rcadj ustmcnt as th e 1rmperaturr droppr cl to fift y degrees on Thursday. Cha me ll , noting 1his ri ght away, Imel already backcd out, a nd Becca used a l;1mily get toge ther as an excuse. Thal le ft Ille, Scott, Chris, C lark, and Ste\\'. I prete ncl ccl !hat I didn't no ti ce or care tha l I \1·as the lo ne girl in 1hi s group, as I \\'as secretl y plcasecl , and th ne was no way that J \\'as going lo hack out nm,·. The boys were la ughing togethe r \1·hen I fi na lh- join ed them, 11 ghting to sho\\' no fear of appraring before them in a sw illl111in g suit. There was a nip in the a ir and the effccl showcd in th eir shirtless skin . I won 'fi11fy lo 1•11jqy bodily 11 •m'/J/llt ..10111f s111nll port ,!f' )'OIi 11111st bl' cold,.for t!tnl' ir 110 quality in !!tis lt"orld that is 110I 11 •/1a/ ii is 1111•n·61ly co11/msl . . Vol!ting 1•.risls i11 itsl'!/ - fin 1111111 Mtfl•illf, ,\loly Dirk -P Few pleasures equal that uf s1ttmg in a steamy, frothing hot tub. Of course, that expC' ri cnce is madC' a ll th e more potent if' there is snow on th c ground. And on Fe brua ry th e fourtcenth , my junior year in high school, the skje s did not di s appoint. That night, I found myself su1ToundC'd by cloud-white snow and sitting in a hot tub with my fi ·iends. Not one or us had dates liir \'a lrn tine's Day, so this seemed like appropriate com pensati on for a faulty love life. IL had been snow ing a ll day, a ll week, rcall y, and there was fresh powder o n the ground. l'vly llrst suggesti on had been to build a snow fort, but my friends- a ppar ently unimprcssed with this childish suggestion opted instead for Chantell's hot tub. \Ne sat there for t,venty minutes or so when I suggested th at we run through the yard, in our bare feet, through the snow, and thcn hop back in. After live min utes of persuasion I had them convinced, and on the coum of three we all jumped o ut of the hot, bubbling water and, squealing a nd shriekin g, we sprinted th rough the snow. The cold was bitin g but exhilarating, stin g in g toe to a nkle to call: a nd th e cold air met \\'t't hair and skin wiL11 a ruthless malice. But I was smilin g. Not shrieking, not even gasping.Just run ning a nd allowing myself to fe el wimer's purity. ..p Joi\nna, f no ti ced , refused Lo leave the pool and so denied hersel f the cxperirnce. Ellen slipped and fell face first into th <> snow. holkring something horrible, a nd then returned as quickl y as her stiff ening limbs would a llow. Soon I was the only one still bearing the contrast. Grinning, ambling back to the hot tub without ca re so as to cl e 111 onstrate m,· unusua l and most unfc111inine to lera nce stepped hack into the pool. The hot ,,a tcr envel oped me a t once with a thorough a nd wonderful rel ie f. I was the onl y one there who truly unclcr stood the _j oy o f hea t. Patima snz•ts r1.i a pro iff lio11 agai11s/ 11 1ro 11gs as dolhl's do agai 11.s/ rnld. For {/you /ml 011 111 0/"f dolltes as !It!' wld i11rrN1s1's, ii 1Pill !taN 11 0 /101 'N lo l111rl you. - L('() 11 ardo /Ja I 'inti \Ve had heard abo ut Chinese torture meth ods from my o lder brother a nd his fri ends. How they kn e,,· about such methods I don't kn ow, but thry cl eri Yr cl a ccrwin pleasure out of torment ing liul <> sisters. Jacob thn:a te 1H' cl mr with ba 111- boo shoo ts up my fin gerna ils, clcctrirnl wires in my chest, a nd ,,·atcr dripping o nto the center o f my fo rehead f<)r d,tys until the skin wore away. I neYe r bcli e, ·ed he would actu a lk do any o f that of -1-3 course, nor did I belie-ve a ny or it was real. The idea or torture and th e- horror of pain neverthe less fascinated my seven-yf'a r-old SC' nsibility, a nd l convinced a fi w im pressionable fri ends of my same young years to try one with me: ice cube on the forehead . " Mind ovn rnattC'I;" I told th em wi sely, quoting something I must have heard on T V ft so unded clever enough. \Ve each took an ice cube, lay cl own upon the li vin g room 0001; ancl placed th e ice between our eyes. "First person to quit loses," I reminded th em . The cold cubC' again st my wa rm skin wasn't too bad at first; but it quickl y became ra th er un comfortable. It was melting, the freed water drip ping into my eycs. Patience, I coached myselr, yo u can beat them . It's onl y wate1: "Ow," Gina groaned next to me. "That hurts." And I began to feel it , too. Like a knife sink in g between my eyes. Thf' discomfort intensified into a pressure tha t seem ed to have ve ry little to do with the cold. I squeezed my eyes shut as the sec onds passed. My skull was being cleaved in two. Tears or pa in spilled rrom my eyes, mi xin g \\'ith the drips li·om the ice cube. i\[elt, I thought. i\Ielt1 ++ Gin;i scrcarnecl , a nd i\lerC'dith sat up quickl y, throwing ;isidc hC'r ice cube a ncl pressing a warm p;i lm ;igainsl he r forehead. "Oh ," she rnmrned. Tlw ice cube w;is torture." I hacl not known that si mple m id could be." so p;iinful. My sc."nscs \\'ere spliuingjust as surely ;is the sp;icc he t\\"c."C ll my eyes. Then Gina rolk-d over and was o ut of the game. I scrcarnccl . I won. Coldjl'tl are qjim sy111/1l1111111lir o/ a 1,,giti111a/e i11tuitio11 //,a/ yo11 11117] bl' /,('{ldi11g/or //, p 1t 1ro 11g pince al the 11 11m1g ti1111'. -Su:::,111111c Fields The spring of my seni or yea r of hi gh sc hool \\'as wet ;i nd green in lnclian;i. \Vith l\[;iy ap proaching, the one thing on c\·cry scnior·s mind \\'as the upcoming prom. I had not been asked as a sophomore, nor as a_junior, a nd 1 had little hope of being asked in this third a ncl llnal year of e li gibility. :\ly guy friends WC'l"C' just tha t friends and sa \1· me as nothing more than anothe r one of the guys who was fo rbidde n lo use the same restroom. Those I did secrC'lly eye \\"C rc perfectly obli\·ious lo 111\' interests, and I lacked the courage lo enlighten them. So it came as a supreme shock when Alek Andrisani, a ta ll young man with broad shoulders (on account of th e swimming team) and Greek ancestry (on acco unt of hi s mother), invited me to Columbus Pa rk to have a pi cni c with him on Saturday before a fri endly game of ultima te Fris bee, the default good-weather activity of ha ll' the high school. Instantly I said yes, remembering, of course, that he had broken up with Nicole Pearl the week before. Had he had hi s eye on me the whole time? .My spirits soared, and I at last had confidence that I was not, a lter a ll, the sc hool's number one re:j ect. Saturday mo rning, an ho ur before we were lo meet, I began to rethink my has ty a nswe1: \Vhy had Alek invited me? WhC'n I said yf's, I thought that, at last, my overlooked qua lities wf' re begin ning to shiJ1 e through and had caught th e eyf' of someone I had beforf' co nsidered a shall ow, self involved preuy boy. But, as th e \Veek progressf'cl , th e reality that he was a sha ll ow, se lf-im·ol\·ed pretty boy regai1wcl my attf' ntion. I had no choice but to questi on, repeatedl y, why, ol' all the more beautiful, Airtier, wannabe supermodels he had sin gled o ut this plain, quiet (rela ti ve ly), mouse of a g·irl. It vva s a miracle he even knew my name. \Vith painful realization, I decided tha t I had probabl y misunderstood. +6 " \laybc I just won't go,"' I commented ca sua ll y lo my mom. " It's just cold feet," she assured me. "Go! Ha\'C' Cun." And so, twenty minutes bte1; l round myself sitting on a stone bench in Columbus Park, waiting \\·it h dreaded a nticipa ti on a nd a fluucring heart. r\bo,·c m e, cbrk clouds began lo crowd in fro111 the \\'C'Sl. A st iff \1·ind hlc\1; a nd l turned my head to keep 111,· hair o ut of 111y eyes. I wonclned if the untamed ha i1 ; tossed about in thc wine!, \1·oulcl prove alluring, a nd so I tried to remain pc1frctly sti ll a nd unperturbed by the madclcning strands \\'h ipping my face. Slo\\'h·, my toes began lo hurl \1·ith cold , then my lingers and cars. T looked do\\'n at my \\'atch and read I: 13. H e had said I :00. Traffic, I assumed lo case my aching conscience. He docs li,·e on the other side of the county. At I :24 I checked my watch again , and a sin gle drop from the sky splashed again st the \\'atch face. 1\nothcr struck my wrist, 111 y head , my lap. \\'ithin moments, it was a downpoui: l shot up from the bench and ran to a nearby tree l ru nk. It \\'as al that moment that T sa11·, further down the path, l,1·0 boys a bout my age shoot o ut from lw hi nd a nmhn trunk. l recognized them as Chuck Po\\'cll and \\'cs .J acks, two or 1\lek's fri ends fro m the swim team. They \\Tre struggling to rcma 111 47 uprighL for Lh e fit s of la ughter tha t were forcing them LO run doubled ovc 1: I unclnsloocl. r,7•('ry 711011 /ms !tis 5('("/'('/ SOITO/I'S 1t•ltir/1 lite lt'Ot-fd k110111s 110I; and efim times 1e•c m l/ a 111a11 rnlt! u•lten lte is 011/y sad. ~ l lmry IJ'arls11wl!t l,011gpllo11• I never to ld my mother that l had been the object o f some jock's joke. \ Vhen I returned home, three ho urs l,ll(''t; J \\'as soaked through and told h<" r through white l<"c th that I had had a blast. No one asked me to prom that year. I didn't date at a ll in high school. ~ly brothn Jacob, e,·e r Lh e obse rvant one, once explained to me why. "Th<" boys a ll think you 'r<" cold ," he said . I suppose I am. I/ 1 {/((fpi !lte.fr,cl !Ital Ogod is ohso/11/e lllld h1yv11d all lt11111a11 l'.\/J/'rie11rl'S, ft 1, l!'al'l's II//' cold. ~ Carl C:11slm•]1111g, Psyd,e OIi(/ Sy111ho/ Only March, and the sun beat fi<"rc <" I\' cl own upon the island of Fucn cventura. Fo rLy-fi.ve d <" grces Celsius. J could not do th e com·crsion in my head, but l km'\\- that it \\as too hot to be wanclrr ing these dusty st reets, looking for somebody to talk to. i\ncl I didn't want to talk lo a nyone. It was ou r sacred charge to share this message of hope and happiness, but all my feeling Imel been sapped by the heat. At o ne o'clock in the afternoon, we had anothcT hour to go before lll cdiodia a nd the respite of indoors still hot as a furnace, but a t least out of' the su n. And thrn it would be back on the sun-scorrhecl streets fo r a nother {1\ ·e hours. The dread o f it alreaclv filled my stomach. I could scarcch- rrcall the rnthusiasrn l had oner f'rlt in brcorning a missionary, some ninr months ago. It k it like a liktirne. l\l y \1atch slipped over the sweat on my wrist, reminding Ill<' or the languidly ti cking seconds, but l refused to look at it. Somc hm,·, it was always \Vorse when I looked. l\l y compa nio n, the girl 1 had to study \vith, teach with, li\'C' with, and suffer with, walked hag gardly at my sick·, 11 0 happier than I was. No one had a ll owrd us in their home in over a wrck, ,ind e\·en then it had bcrn only out of pity. No one had willinglv looked at us sin ce church o n Sun day. Thr Canarians would see us corning, two instantly recognizable f-igure s that patrolled thrir streets e\·rn· clay with an objectionable blue book in hand, and quickly cross Lo the other sick, \1·,u- 11 -1-9 their neighbors, a nd hide behind their doors, over which hung a sign: Sornos Catoli,os :\T o cam biamos. No insista! I re peated the words dejectedly in nw head: "\Ve're Catho li c \Ve won't change. Do n't ask!" I turned my watC'r bo ttl C' upside cl own OH'r my open mo uth, a nd groaned. I had cmpti C'd it ninety mi nutes ago. Now my lips, wngue, and throa t were cl esicratecl , as though I hadn't had any water in days. I consiclerC' cl insisting tha t we slop inside a locutorio and buy mo re, but I was cl own to my last fC' w euros for tlw month, a nd I knew I coulcl wait a nother sixtv minutC's. My eyes began to burn, but with a heat quite disparatC' from the sun. Why had he sent rn e h C' re? \Vhv had h C' chosen me for this desert place, a place he himsdl' had ftirsaken and fo rgot te n m ore tha n ten years ago: l l'elt utterly alone, stranded in the m iclclle of the Atlantic, a nd f1i end less. l\ly companion kne,v how 1 felt she felt it too, the isolation, th r e mptiness, the purposeless ness. But it was a k eling one could not share, only uncl ersta ncl . Despite the wretched heat, my so ul fe lt cold, and l could not bdieve that he would abandon me like this. Not now. Not ,,·he n there was such work to be cl one a nd I necclecl him so much. \Ve tunlt'd o n the fans the insta nt we got bark to o ur pi so, hut a ll they die! was blow around \\'arm a i,~ r-\ s soon as I had tak<' n o lT as much clothing as possible a nd still remain decent , I put my head inside the frcezei: The relief was artifi cial, and I kn e\1· it. ·r wo hour: btc1; \1-c· left again. The temper ature had climlwd to fo rt y-nine. No t/ting is lost yl'I, 11 ot!ti11g bmkm, andyl'I //!(' rnld b/11c u 1ord is :,j>ok1•11 : Sl!J goodl!)'I' nm, , lo tit!' S1111 , !l 11' days I don't know how the r om·e rsati on sta rt ed . We were a ll silting ,iround the dinner t,i ble, my fa mily a nd I, just ta lkin g. The meal was f1n i heel a nd the re mains we1T left LO ha rden lo the pl ates. l cheri shed these times, even though they came nearly n ·ery cl ay. \\'e wo uld sit and chat a11" ay th c- ho u1; arguing the difference between antiperspirant and deodora nt , championing s,i lad dressing oYer mayonnaise, quotin g Seinfeld , ,rncl it nc\'er ma llerecl \1·h,1 t 1rns s,i id o r who said it o r h011· long we sat there. Toni ght's topi c hacl somehow drifted fi ·o m rancli ccl a pples in Estrs Pa rk to old H a llower n costumes Lo snow days. "Re111ember tha t Christmas break when it snowed three feet?" 1 said. It had been one of the best Christmases of my life- school had been can cell ed for nine days in J a nuary a nd I spent hours outdoors building snow tunnels a nd a veritable maze. Our cl og, Gus, had gotten lost for almos1 a full ho U1: "Two weeks off of school," my brother Co lin sa id wi th reli sh. "But not church. Why is it thev ncvc r cancel church?" "They do, sometimes," Da el repli ed, "if it's bad enough." "Like that one time, remember?" said J\Iom, a nd Dael nocldecl soberly. [ was a lways amazed at how little th ey ha cl to say to one a nother to be understood. " \,\/h at time?" I pressed . "Oh, it was years ago. You were o nl y a babv wh en it happtned. We were li vin g in Wi sconsin. Wa kesha Second \Varel, wasn't it?" "No, it had split by then." 'The third ward, then. With Bishop U lridge." Tht'se detail s meanL nothing to me. I crunched th e left over ice f"rorn my glass ancl wait t'd patit' ntly for tht story to continut'. '~\nyway," said Dad, "it wa s a bad winter. Saturday night th e temperature had dropped lo ninety below- " "Oh, it ,vasn 't th at cold ," l\1 om interrupted. "\Vith the vvind chill , it was. Anyway, it ,,·as cold. The bi shop a nd his counse lors decid ed that it ,,·as Loo cold and dangtTous to go to church in th e morning. \Ve had eight o'cl ock church "No, it was nine," co1Tcctccl l\'10 111 . "i\"o one has t' ight o'clock churc h. " "Nint', then," Dael conccclccl. "So tlwy caned led it. C a ll cc! all the high prit'sls Lo call the fa mili es th ey home ta ught a nd kt it trickle clown through th e phone trt'c, as it we re, until every member was call ed. T guess a branch got broken off somewhcrt', beca use th e Binghams we-rt' nc\'er ca ll ed. " ]\lo rn was sha kin g hc- r head slowly f'rom side to sid t'. "So th ey got th eir kids up in thc morning fo ur o r them, l think it was- " "Th1Te." "Thrt'e. G ot in the \'an, a nd rode lo church." H C' pa used . "Thf' ir va n broke down o n the road. Country road . J\nd no trafli c th a t earl y, especially in th a t ,veath c1: They could n't le.we th e 53 van. There was no where to go, a nd any\\'ay it \\'as loo cold Lo walk anywhere. /\nd these were the days before cell phones... . They a ll died. Froze lo death in thei r van." The story fini shed , and my brothers and sister started asking questions. But I sat sil ent, transfixed , unhearing. The bro krn ice slipped down my throat, unno ti ced. Such a thing could not have happened Lo a righteous fa mily on their way lo worship se 1vices. Goel would not a llm, it! But more than this, l ,ms ho rri11ecl bv the prospect of sitting in a van 1 could not leave, slowly freezing to dc>ath . \\'ha t had they been thinking? Had the\' known th ei r end was near:' \\'hat had the> mother cl one to comfort hc>r children, or what had the fa ther said to assure> them that things would be aU ri ght? But they hadn't been all ri ght. Tlwy had all died , ;md 1 could not keep myself' rrom imagining those fin a l moments in the isolated ,·an. I saw that van, encas<."d in a thin laye r o r ice and dusted with snow on th <." sid <." o f an im·isible road. Th<." world was sti ll and empty, and for miks in any direction a ll I could see was white, as if there existed noth in g a t all. But inside that vCTitable coffin, there was darknc>ss and merely the shadows or bodies. I could no t stop myselr from ,vondcring what it had b <."e n like for th <." man who discovered them. 5+ ln m\· own head, I did not hear childrn1 crying, wind howling, or mo tl1C'r a nd Cather asking one a no ther what th ry would do. I did no t hem th r li11al J-lo\'c-you's. /\II was siknt. Oji 1'. \jJec/11tio11ji11/s, and 1110.11 1?fl lltl'l'I' 11 "//I'll' 1110.rl ii jlro111is1•s; and q/i ii ltils 11 ·1/('//' lto/11' is rnldesl, and dl'.ljHtir 111osljils. - 11 "ii limn Sltakt,r/K'rm·. All\' I l·l'I/ 'n111I E11rL1 1,1 i•I/ "\ Vl wrc do you src this going?" hr asked, almos t timidly, as though this wr1T a questi on he had been dreading lo r a long time nm,· t\,·o months, probably, if he was ,1 nything like mr. ,\nd all the r \·id f' nce suggested that he was. I o ffered him a n apologeti c smil e. " [ ... I don't know. '' "l mean, if \1·c don't rea ll y fed a nything for each othr ,~ " "There's no sense in forcing something." \Ve spoke in unspecific terms, but we each understood exactly wh,1t the other meant. Tha t was \1·hat o ur relatio nship had a lways brrn. It \ l'aS fam ili a l\ easy, and without a ny trur wa rmth. "You know, I really do think you arr a grral girl." " Oh no, l tota ll y get it. I know~ I reel the same abo ut you. It's just not- " "Right. I mean, yo u're ri ght." Silenee invacl C' d Llw car fo r a le'w SC'co ncl s, and it v,;as the first tim C' I had ever le' lt unrnmfo rt able around him. "I just do n't wanL things to ge t weird, you know?" "Oh no," he agreed quickly, "o r course no t. We're' still fi ·icncls." "Yeah. We can still La lk a nd a ll. " From the vi e,vpoint or a textbook, he \\'as exactl y ri ght for me. And I fo r him. So why \\'as this so wrong? But it was. I had kn own it fo r fin· months, onl y I had neglected Lo tell mysel[ I guess 1 had convinced myself' that this was my only shot, tha t if it didn't happen with him, it wo uld never ha ppen. '.\lo t for m e. But try as I might, I could nor love him. :\"o t like that. Not eve n close. l a ll owed him to put hi s a rm a ro und me o n the couch, hold my ha nd as we wa lked, and even ki ss me at the encl of tlw el ate, but I had felt nothing. M om kept asking if my heart ever skipped around hi m. J didn't kn ow hearts could do tha t. \!Vh en he pulled up to my apa rtment, smiled at him and permitted myselr the questi on I had s,,·orn I would ne,·cr ask. "' Is thcre-·----:iust be honest, o kay? rm not saying I don't complctdy agree with this, bcrausc ] do, I'm just curious. \Vas it something a bo ut me? Something I did?'" H e smiled hack at me, a nd I could tell he was debating how to say it, w hether to e, ·cn an swe r a t a ll. At last, he answered, as T kn ew he would .""[ don't know, I guess I just fe lt like like you \\"C'JTn't reall y into rn e, that's a ll. l held your hand, but vou didn't ho ld mine. I'm sorry, docs that make sense?" l swallowed , but hid the action. "Oh yeah, it makes perfect sense. I'm sorry." "l\"o. d on't. lt _just fe lt a hit like ... " Herc l prO\ided the tcrrn : "C o ld shoulder?" H e sighed, the smile ncYc r lc;ivin g his f;ice. "Ye.t h. Sort oC" " :\'o, I get it. And I'm SOIT): Reall y, it wasn't you. Lt ,ms me.'' I st ill can't bdic, ·e I ust" d that line. I sltall soon be laid i11 lft1, q11if'I gm1·1~ 1ha11k God for !he quiet gm1•1 0/ / cm,fid !he raid mrlh 11Jw11 111e--lhl' daisil'S gro11 •i11g ()/'('/" 111 1' Ojor I/tis qui!'/ ii ll'ill bl' 111_yfi1J/. ~ ]01111 Ai>als 57 l\ify Grandpa Bakt' r clit'cl on March ninth. It is a significant clay for 111 y family, it St't'ms: it is tlw clay my clog Gus died , tht' clay my grandmotht' r was born, and tht' clay l fo und out that I would be spending eighteen months of' 111 y life in the Ca narv Jslands. \Vt' had been waiting for him to pass away for several months, but on th t' clay it happened my father sobbt' cl like a child. I had never seen him likt' that befort'. I didn't kn mv how to react nw se lf. 1 was an adult, ba rely but legally so, but I had nt'vt'r lost a dost' rt'!ative before, unless you count losing my grandmother to Alzhei111er's d isease. Sht' was still alive, if' you could call that living, and not many in my family do. The l'uncra l took place just two clays latt' 1: J\f'tt'r a se rvice in the church, ,ve drmw to the ccm etny in Logan, Utah, whcrt' Grandpa's baby sis ter had been burit'cl in 192 1, ,vhere hi s parents' graves lay, and where ht' would now join tlw111 in the cold earth. The hole had already been dug, a deep, dark depression in the snow, and the heacl stont' had already bt'en plact'cl. It was wide and gray. On the left side, the words J ohn Age Bakn had been carved neatl y into the stone, along with hi s birth date a nd the date- o f o nly two clavs be fore. The ri ght siclt' of the stone bort' the words Clara.Jean Simpkins Bake,; with elate of binh as well. The death elate w·o uld nol fo llow for another four yea rs. \ly brotlwrs a nd cousi ns, each wearing a heavy black coat on which was pinned a snow white rose, carried the casket from the hearse to the gra\'t'Site. It was the first tirnt' I had ever st'en such a procession lor myself, and f thought it beautiful. All around, fi gures dressed in dark colors stood upon the pure \1·hite snow. The cemetery \1·;1s oth erwist' untainted by our pn:senct' a nd seemed to offer, in its own \1·ay, solace. Soft flakes fell e;irth ward, blanketin g the Janel anew. The world was quiet in the ccmetery, st ill ancl solemn. Uncle.John prayed, we sang, ;incl we s;ii cl goodbye. 1 do not remember feeling cold th at day. [/ 1 rcr11I a book ta11d/ it 1/1(/kl's 111y 111/,0/e borb1so cold no.fin' rn11 t'l'fr 1mm1 111c, I know that is poetry. - E111ily Dirki11so11 The fireplace is glowin g, warming the \vhole room, and.Jen and J sit on the couch, wrapped in bbnkets from head to foo t. \Ve a rc silent as we sip lht' steaming cick1~ hut occasiona ll v we gla nce a l one ;inother and gri n ashamt'clly. Her mother still 59 dot'sn't kn ow about the mishap, and I will nn·er tell mi ne. She pulls ht' r blanket ti ghtt'r a ro und lwr shou l dt' rs a nd shi vt'rs. Ir I think about it, or sit still long t'nough, I can still rt't'I the poisonous cold in my toes. I can st ill re rn t'mbt' r the agony o f' what it was like to rt'el again , as if I was expniencin g heat for the first tirne in my lire. I had grablw d the hood or her parka and pulled, but the sudden \ffight beneath rny knees had caused anotlw r rt'sounding crack in th e ict'. I sa nk up to the thigh before I could ning my body back o nto solid ice . .Jen was screaming, fc>r the pain, J knew, the ,·ery pain th at caught my breath in my th roat and pre,·ented rn e from CT\' in g out, too. I reached fo r lw r again, this time securing my hold on ht' r a rm and my reet on the ice, and I heaved with all the strength in me. Another ominous splitting no ise sounded pi ercin gly in rn v cai: In rear a nd desperation, I prayed. I had just barely reached th e shore, d ragging her the whole way, \\'hen the ice sha ttered rnmplctelv a long my newk forged trail. It had held j ust long enough. The heater in.Jen's car had bt'en cranked as high as it \\'Ould go. J had not forgo tten the lesson taught to me so ma ny years ago \Va.rm them with cold but .J en kept pb1ding from the backseat. I can't feel the heat. Please, turn it hi gher. I knew she \\'as ft>e li ng it, though, her blood re turning heal to ht' r bock She 60 was moaning, rubbing her ba red skin, and shaking ter riblv. I can't feel the heal. >Jo t long a ftc1~ we had both begun to p <" rspirc. [ ff lt slj ghtly ill , but the m <" m o ry o f dippin g m yself in such g lacia l wa t<" r lo pull her out still num bed my sensibility. Trying no t to think a t a ll , I drove her car down the m o unta in. J en's ho m e was a sanctua ry of' wa rmth. Now j <" n loo ks a t m e ;,s if to say, " Newr again.'' I offn no JTspo nse . .Mr s. H a rch, com<"s into th <" roo m . "There's som<" w a rm apple pie and vanilla ire cream , if' yo u two would like a nr" ''.Ju st the ice cream ," I say.