The University of Surrey Students’ Union Newspaper issue 1037 www.ussu.co.uk THURSDAY 26 SEPTEMBER 2002 free

FRESHERS’ £40,000 refurbishment ensures USSU provides the best services for its students FESTIVAL All the details of what will be going Student activities centre sets on at the Union page 13

INDIVIDUAL precedent for 2002-2003 DEVELOPMENT THE UNIVERSITY OF Surrey Students’ By Richard Watts A more in depth look at the specifics of Union will open its brand new activities the pilot ID scheme run by USSU and centre tomorrow (Friday) morning and Butterworth during a ceremony which will the University | page 8 begin the first of many years providing the begin at 10:30am at the Stag Hill entrance students of the University of Surrey with to the area and will conclude with fresher’s all the services and facilities they require fayre - the annual celebration of the Union’s to reap the most benefit from their time at sports clubs and societies at which freshers OPMAN COMPETITION university. can sign-up for anything they wish T The £40,000 development will be opened The activities centre, which is to be known £100 worth of clothing vouchers to be by the Senior Pro-Vice-Chancellor Peter simply as the ‘Students’ Union’, is the result won by one lucky reader in this week’s of a succesful request by last year’s sabbati- competition | page 15 cal officers and the permanent staff to the University’s senior officials. The extensive The Vice-Chancellor, Professor Patrick Dowling, refurbishment work was carried out over admiring USSU’s new display boards IN THIS WEEK’S PAPER the summer and involved knocking through reach Co-ordinator and the Student Services what used to be the nursery and cloakroom Co-ordinator) and the new position of the Prevent the war on Iraq areas, creating one spacious open-plan area. Union receptionist. It is the hub from which “There is simply no justification for armed The centre will allow the non-commercial the DAVE project, the volunteering opportu- conflict” - the stop the war march occuring aspect of the Union to flourish and will pro- nites project and the Programme Represen- in London at the weekend News | page 3 vide a sound base from which all of these tation projects will run, alongside all of the activities can be co-ordinated, as well as a activities of the sabbatical officers. Keep Wednesday afternoons free point at which students can gather to use Students are encouraged to utilise the Stu- the computing, photocopying and printing dents’ Union in its new form for whatever Wednesday afternoons should be kept facilities. purposes they require, including welfare available for students to play sport Letters Located in the new area are the sabbati- issues, computer use or simply a place to to the Editor | page 5 cal officers, the non-commercial services relax. The Union is open to everyone and department (including the Marketing & Stu- can help you to achieve what you want out Careers help from Dr Russ The Students’ Union President Paul Wright and the dent Services Manager, the Support & Out- of your time at university. The head of the careers service says that it Vice-Chancellor in the new activties centre is possible to find a job which is right up your street Professional Page | page 9 barearts literature reviews A special look at the Franz Kafka short Sunday night is alright for Whigfield story Metamorphosis and its many themes and subtleties barearts | page 15 Danish euro-popper gets the freshers dancing on first Sunday night the surrey scoop THE EURO-POP singing Whigfield kicked off the fresher’s The brand new gossip column of barefacts, week entertainments in the Union on Sunday night with a rousing brought to you by A. Nonny Mouse and perfomance of her solitary hit “Saturday night”. Resplendent some very close friends... page 22 in a tethered skirt and sleeveles top, the Danish performer set the tone for the rest of the week’s entertainments by putting on Cricket and the English summer a quite spectacular show and cast aside thoughts of fatigue any A report from the cricket club of the Uni- of the audience may have had from the day’s tiring moving-in versity of Surrey as they embark on their experience. tour to Blackpool Sport | page 24 The Union itself was packed almost to capacity and the experience of the Union entertainments for continuing students was as good as it was for the first year students, with USSU’s stage crew doing a truly magnificent job wth the stage-rig for the event.

INSIDE

Page 3: freshers moving-in day and a look at their first week at UniS

barefacts believes: succesfully making their way through countless talks is no simple task for your average new student 2 NEWS 26 September 2002 Skills development in schools NUS urges universities to think Volunteering opportunities in the local community carefully about private halls

FOLLOWING THE SUCCESS of schemes By Ross Kelway By Richard Watts universities to think carefully before they run over the past few years, the UniS get involved with these companies.” Educational Liaison Centre is once again said “these schemes have been a successful THE NATIONAL UNION of Students Verity Coyle stressed the importance of running a series of projects for students to activity for the University for several years (NUS) today warned universities to give involving students in all parts of the process. participate in. now. They help students by providing an proper consideration to any plans to She said: “Ultimately it is students that will The Mentoring, Tutoring and Schools opportunity for skills accreditation, as well privatise halls of residence, following the be living in these halls therefore it is in Without Walls schemes all involve students as providing valuable role models for school spectacular collapse of a deal between the everyone’s interest to make sure they are working within schools and colleges in the pupils and help for teachers.” Unite Group and the University of Sheffield. fully consulted. Universities need to ensure local community. The Mentoring scheme For more information or to get involved in The deal was a ‘pathfinder’ pilot project set that the students’ union is involved from the sees students receive training as mentors the schemes, contact Ross Kelway on 01483 to be repeated across the country, with part- very start and what students want, on things before being placed within secondary 683177 or visit www.surrey.ac.uk/mets funding from the Higher Education Funding like safety issues and proper channels to air schools. Teachers at the school select pupils Council for England (HEFCE). grievances, are taken into account.” they believe would benefit from the scheme NUS Vice President for welfare Verity and the mentors meet them to provide Coyle said: “NUS’ main concerns with support and guidance for one hour a week. the privatisation of halls of residences is Meanwhile the Tutoring scheme trains the maintaining of high levels of provision students to go into primary and secondary for students. We fear that residences that schools to provide one to one tuition, small are left open to the highest bidder may not group activities and general classroom offer the same assurances on safety and assistance. The Schools Without Walls quality for students. We do not want student scheme runs differently to Mentoring and accommodation to be run by companies The Bank residences (below) are built by the Housing Tutoring. Local Sixth Formers are recruited more concerned with profit margins than Association, who then sub-let to UniS for thirty years. into small teams which are led by a trained students’ needs.” UniS student. The Sixth formers are then NUS, however, is keen to find examples placed in local schools to act as classroom of good practice where part-privatisation assistants. has worked. Verity Coyle said: “NUS For each of these schemes, after a minimum shall be commissioning research this year of 10 hours contact time the students can that pro-actively seeks good examples have their work assessed and achieve NVQ of part-privatisation, where good safe equivalent credits through the Open College accommodation that reflects students’ Network. needs is in place. We are not systematically Student Initiatives Officer, Ross Kelway, ruling out further partnerships, just asking 26 September 2002 NEWS 3 First year students arrive during good weather and a well-planned, well-executed moving-in procedure

IT WAS ONCE again proved last Sunday that nearly two-thousand By Richard Watts new students into university accommodation does go. An army of some one hundred and fifty fresher’s ‘angels’ and some dedicated Welfare & Education Officer, Toni Borneo, who said- af “old hands” all mucked in to ensure that the moving-in process ran terwards: “The day has gone just as we hoped. Everyone as smoothly as it ever has over the past few years - the culmination worked really well with each other and we were very fortu- of months of hard work and endeavour. nate that the rain held off almost all day.” Ben Mac - a survi- Helpers were gathered in all of the university accommodation vor of no less than eight moving-in days - commented that it court reception areas and car-parks to guide new students and their had been “the best moving-in day” he could remember. families in the direction of the appropriate accommodation. A con- The day has set the tone for the rest of the week in and siderable van service was utilised to ferry all of the luggage from around the Union, with a notable turn-out at the first freshers car park four to each court; it was made up of five vans, a fair few event on the Sunday evening (see front page) and every sub- drivers, a vast array of walkie-talkies, some fifteen supervisors and sequent event. Monday night’s “Sparkle” evening attracted around twenty angels at each reception during each shift (morning a nigh-on capacity crowd and Tueday night’s comedy A box noticed during the moving-in operation and afternoon) of the day. evening, with Perrier award winner Daniel Kitson, proved to Union President Paul Wright addressing the Vice-Chancellor’s reception The Union’s side of the event was co-ordinated by Vice President be one of the most successful comedy nights ever to be held at the Students’ Union. First year students now have the freshers’ fayre to look forward - a sort of Union club and societies extravanganza, during which new students have the opportunity to check-out and join any of the sev- enty mini-organisations that are currently operating in the Union. From a commercial perspective, the fayre of Friday has already surpassed all previous year’s performances, securing the presence of some twenty-one companies from in and around Guildford and the surrounding area. The achievements of the Union show that the USSU is a well- regarded establishment in the local area that can thrive and com- pete at any level with those around it. As the start of the year has shown, the Union has the capability to perform exceptionally well whenever it is called upon and, with the new activities centre now officially open, can only move from strength to strength over the coming academic year and beyond Students enjoying the Sparkle event of the freshers week celebrations

Prevent the war on Iraq: a march for liberty and life

FORGET ALL FEELINGS of By Roland Heap is of regime change, powerlessness, of disillusionment with the and of storming supposedly democratic political system, armed conflict. America demanded Baghdad, a city only of helpless silence. Consider the value you weapons inspectors return, Iraq agreed slightly smaller than give life, the pleasure you take in freedom, unconditionally, and in shock the US London. Consequent your love of being. It is too easy to forget declared that Iraq was not to be believed casualties are bound to that we, as students and voters, have power and therefore continued on the offensive. be higher, regardless and influence beyond our inner circle of Countries across the world express their of the ‘precision’ of existence. Disprove the theories about youth dismay about the US unilateral approach. our newer weapons, apathy. Questions are asked about the real reasons which of course was As citizens in this democratic society, for a war. Sadly, as Mo Mowlam declared, called into doubt we are being asked to approve a war “The real goal is the seizure of Saudi oil… recently when the US against Iraq. The reason for this war, so This whole affair has nothing to do with admitted that one of we are told, is to eliminate the threat from a threat from Iraq - there isn’t one”. The its ‘smart’ bombs went Saddam’s Weapons Of Mass Destruction, arguments about Saddam’s ‘brutal regime’ astray and killed 50 as a part of The War Against Terrorism. also lack substance when you consider civilians at a wedding However, there is significant doubt whether Burma, Chad, Indonesia, even Israel. All in Kabul earlier this TWAT could ever be won by force, and criticised by human rights groups, all funded year. In the past 10 years, as a result of the point in world history, that we express our extenuating evidence that Saddam poses and armed by the western world. sanctions imposed on Iraq, an estimated 1 horror. It is our duty as citizens to let our little threat to the world at large or even his As for the claims about Iraq’s attack million people have died, over half of them feelings be known, our voices be heard, own neighbours. In short, an attack on Iraq capabilities, the dossier published on children. and our outrage be felt. This Saturday, we would be a grievous mistake at an enormous Tuesday still offers no conclusive proof that Not forgetting, of course, the instability of have that chance. A huge march is being cost to humanity. Saddam is an immediate threat. Scott Ritter, the Middle East. An attack on Iraq has the organised, not to object about country There is simply no justification for a former UN arms inspector of seven years, potential to throw the region, and even the badger-baiting, but about the needless put it well when he said “Since 1998, Iraq has world, into total chaos. The US has little murder of our fellow human beings. If been fundamentally disarmed”. And whilst support in Iraq, and there are no formal enough dissonance is heard then policy can there is evidence that Iraq is attempting to plans for an alternative government. Russia be changed. It is not too late. So I ask you to rebuild its arsenal, its weapons programme and China both object to any invasion and join me on Saturday to march against a war is run by “enthusiastic amateurs”. Europe (rightly) wants the UN to make any that has no justification, political or moral. The last time we attacked Iraq was in 1991. decision about action. This issue is starting In that war, more than 100,000 Iraqis were to polarise world opinion, threatening www.stopwar.org.uk killed, along with 148 Allied servicemen. alliances and world peace, and undermining Saturday 28th September 2002 On that occasion, the targets were oilfields the authority of the UN. Meet at Embankment at 1pm; march to and defence infrastructures. This time, talk It is imperative, therefore, at this turning Hyde Park 4 COMMENT 26 September 2002 Journalism is the new

THE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY STUDENTS’ UNION modern art WWW.USSU.CO.UK

LYNCH MOBS ARE a bad be a good modern artist you A welcome to the first year students thing. Lynch mobs are a bad have to be profound in some thing. I told myself this over way, some different way to Having succesfully sat their way through will be thinking responsible thoughts, the and over in the train today, everyone else that has come countless talks from the university and most notable of which will be attending all on my way out of London in before you. I think if modern listened to every possible subject related lectures and phoning home at least once a a carriage full of rural affairs art manages to keep this stance to university (safety, fire regulations, week. At some point, it will also involve campaigners. I had this sort of up for long only madmen court receptions, sports inductions, union a trip to the laundrette and an attempt to itching to stir things up a bit and mathematicians will be HILLIP OWARD welcomes, week three entertainments, cook. you see, incite a bit of a riot. P H capable of ‘new’ work. Do we departmental introductions, tutor group barefacts also understands that, though Shouldn’t do that really, hence really live such dull lives? Are meetings, housemate gatherings, NUS their intentions are good, even the most the mantra. Anyway, I didn’t Only journalism provokes we so tolerant and blasé about discount cards, campus cards, union enty ardent of students is bound to slip up at some do it in the end, although I had a newsworthy reaction in the world around us that artists policy, library tours, campus tours...), the time and (some would say accidentally) not favoured a Dom Jolly style today’s media must sculpt their features from freshers have finally arrived at the University quite make it to that lecture and that is ‘HELLO? YEAH I’M ON A pints of their own frozen blood, of Surrey. In most cases, they have made it absolutely fine. TRAIN. YEAH THERE’S or have 100ft high platforms through the most difficult of all the moments For those that are continuing students, the A LOAD OF THEM PROTESTERS ON surrounded by giant dental mirrors to they will have at university (the very first situation is an unfamiliar one: though there IT. MISERABLE LOT’ approach, but then elicit a response? And is the media now so Sunday night when the parents leave for the are feelings of “excitement” that there is a lynch mobs really are a bad thing. I think I’d rampantly sensationalist purely because of first time) and, in all honesty, have probably whole new bunch of folks around campus, been watching too much telly this morning, our own lack of interest? Scandal! Gossip! forgotten what their little brother looks there is also that slight feeling approaching all about the fox hunting ban protesters Affairs! Not exactly exciting these days. like already. The excitement of unparalled grandeur - a sort of nod in the direction of hijacking the rural affairs march. There was We’re even calmly discussing wandering freedom is still buzzing around (to the being old-hands at this university business. some idiot on the Heaven And Earth show back into a war with Iraq, and reacting with point of nakedness, in some cases) and, as And yet, a lot sooner than you think, trying to say that fox hunting was a good only faint surprise at the headlines. everyone gets to know each other just that everyone will move that one step on - thing, no more cruel than any other method Maybe we’re all just hopelessly egocentric. little bit better, the notion of lectures will second years go off on placement, second of killing them. Of course that totally The front pages have been full of the fates slowly dawn upon those attempting to rouse years try to get used to the final years and the misses the fact that if the foxes weren’t of three girls snatched and murdered. Yet themselves on a Thursday morning. new freshers come into the affray, having encouraged in the first place they wouldn’t in Israel, suicide bombers wreck family barefacts understands that at this point in succesfully sat their way through countless need killing anyway… but I’m stirring. If after family, and the Israeli response is to time, the majority of these new students talks from the university and... you do feel like responding though, the wreck community after community. And editor would be happy to publish your views we calmly consider war. Yeah, we should ([email protected]). depose Saddam. As though it’s a choice of Ok, ok, that was a blatant plea, but then black or cream jeans from Gap. What do Is Roots acting responsibly? so is most of this article. I contend that you think, spilled blood effect or embossed only journalism that provokes a reaction flowers? I know, I know, I’m getting a mite As many of you are no doubt aware, the money spent in Roots actually goes: is newsworthy in today’s media. You don’t silly now. But there are only two things to through experience or word of mouth, recalling that any money spent in the Union pick up the Guardian and flip through the blame for that. Firstly I’ve had little sleep Roots have been selling some of their (except money used to cover costs) is directly pages with ‘uh huh’ and ‘hmm’ and then recently and it’s nearing 1 in the morning. alcoholic beverages at prices approaching spent on student activities and services, you buy it, do you? No, you pick it up and gasp, The other reason? I’ve decided the replies the ridiculously cheap. Boards outside the should remember that any money spent at feign horror, become intrigued. It seems to that you send to the newspaper are easier to cafe have been advertising their “exiting Roots ends up in the university coffers. be much like modern art – the idea that to deal with than a lynch mob. new menu” (their spelling - not ours) and Finally (and this is more a matter of the cheap deals on selected lagers in the hope practical aspects of such offers) - if a bar of catching the odd wondering fresher or is to offer such discounts on lager, should continuing student. On the face of it, these it not expect for the demand on that product deals probably seem good value – after all, to be high and, as a result, perhaps have a it is the wish of most students to drink for as larger stock ready to cope with the extra little as possible – but there are underlying custom? You would have thought that a bar 2002 - 2003 concerns that are associated with such would take into consideration these sorts of editor in chief | richard watts vigorous marketing tactics. things, but sure enough, at 8pm on Monday editor | position vacant position vacant | art editor First of all, about three years ago, the Union evening, the lager ‘ran out’. barefacts deputy editor | position vacant position vacant | sports editor was asked by Senate House to stop the wonders whether this really was the case news editor | position vacant position vacant | lifestlye editor infamous “double and mixer for a pound” - that a bar could run out of the lager it music editor | alex read position vacant | features editor on a Wednesday “silly” night. The reason has on special offer so spectacularly soon film editor | position vacant position vacant | photography behind this was a concern for the safety - because it does all seem a little convenient literature editor | position vacant position vacant | design editor of students traveling home after such an to be believable. At least, from a student’s evening. Applying the same argument to point of view it is difficult to believe. If you are interested in a position on the editorial team or writing for barefacts, please come along to the this situation, therefore, we have to wonder It is a familiar question around campus: editorial meeting | thursday | 5pm | in the media centre | e-mail [email protected] if Roots has been given the same directive Roots or Chancellor’s? Though the by those at Senate House, considering the decision over the last week for most will nature of its offerings replicates almost have been driven by which establishment barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper and is published by the University of Surrey Students’ Union exactly that of the Union. barefacts is the cheapest, it is perhaps worth bearing Communications Office. wonders whether Roots being an outlet of in mind where your money will end up and The views expressed within the paper are those of individual authors and do not necessarily represent the views of the Editor, the University of Surrey Students’ Union or the University of Surrey. the university’s catering services may lead that, ultimately, the Union does not need any This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express to preferential treatment or, to be a little silly offers in order to capture the attention permission of the publisher beforehand. more outspoken, double standards. of passing students. As the headline said in All submissions must include the author’s name and Union or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of publication.

Secondly there is the question of where week one: Stella – £2 a pint. Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be published.

barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions. THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK [email protected] WWW.USSU.CO.UK “Get pleasure out of life as much as you can. Nobody ever died from pleasure” SOL HUROK (1888 - 1974), BALLET DANCER © USSU COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE 2002 26 September 2002 COMMENT 5 I suggest we be known as the not so United Kingdom LAST SUNDAY, AN estimated quarter chose to give up their store….. I could continue. at least half an hour, by which time they of a million people descended on London, Sunday afternoons. Now imagine that you live are long gone. taking part in the countryside alliance For a start, food does not in a small village, and the And so to fox hunting, on which you march for liberty and livelihood, aimed come from a supermarket. village post office stores, could write an article on that alone. I at protecting the rural way of life. Their Your local Tesco will quite the only shop for miles have never lived in what you could call primary aim was to highlight the plight happily sell you food, around, closes. Now even a truly rural community, and so cannot facing much of the rural population. This turning a tidy annual profit the simplest of tasks, buying appreciate just how important it is to includes a wide range of things, from of over £1 billion, but they a newspaper, loaf of bread, many people. I accept that it is cruel, but the closing down of rural post offices buy it from direct from posting a letter becomes a what also must be appreciated is that all PAUL CANNING and shops to the problems that would be farmers. Supermarkets logistical nightmare. Even forms of hunting play a big role in much caused by a ban on fox hunting. use their enormous buying if you have a car, you are of the rural way of life, and that banning Many Londoners, already feeling peeved power to hammer the The only thing years of faced with a hefty drive in it would blow another hole in the already about having had their city taken over farmers for cheaper and sanctions have done is order to achieve even the tattered rural economy. for the day, would point out that as an cheaper prices, which means compound the suffering of most rudimentary of tasks. Not everyone can live in a city, and nor entity, London already subsides the other that many are forced to live ordinary folk If you don’t have a car, then would they want to; someone has to grow regions of the UK to the tune of £20 off a pittance, or even worse, you’re left to fall back on a our food for a start, let alone provide teh billion a year, so what’s the problem? sell their produce at a loss. Many other public transport service, which is likely country with balance. Given the current Well, on a related issue, I read with countries have legislation to prevent to be almost non-existent. Statistically, threat from international terrorism, living amusement last week that Bradford has the purchase of farm goods below the 50% of all households have no daily in somewhere like London seems like established a temporary ‘embassy’ in cost of production, but not us. Factor bus service, and those households aren’t painting a large ‘X’ on the roof of your London to raise the profile of the city in last years foot and mouth Crisis, that going to be in London. house anyway. It is nice to live in a place ahead of their bid to be European city saw millions of animals slaughtered, Many people living in rural areas are where you are never woken up by the of culture in 2008. Embarrassingly only and the BSE debacle of the 1990’s, and also concerned by the dearth of police noise of overhead aircraft, and everyone one in 5 people they asked on the streets you start to see why all is not rosy in officers and stations. Improved policing knows your name and stops to ask how of London could point to Bradford on a England’s green fields. I often bemoan measures, such as CCTV in town centres, you are. It would be good however, if map of the UK the speed of Guildford’s postal service, have had the effect of driving much of when returning from your 40 minute This really highlights just how little but from where I live, there are a least that crime out to the countryside. Many round journeys to get a newspaper and understanding many capital dwellers two post offices within walking distance, criminals are well aware that if the a loaf, you didn’t find that your house have about the world outside the M25, not to mention a couple of banks, local police are called out to some areas of the had been turned over, and that the police which is really why all of those people supermarket, three pubs, a hardware country, they can’t get their for can’t get there for thirty minutes.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Letters must be received by 5pm on the Friday before publication to guarantee their presence in the next newspaper. Letters may be edited for length or clarity | E-mail: [email protected]

Dear Barefacts, when teams progress into cup competitions, away games can second semester timetable rules them out? We’d like to take this opportunity to grumble at UniS’s involve much longer round-trips. Yes we are here to get an education, but university life is ‘Wednesday Afternoon Free’ policy. The UniS official Thus week in week out the Surrey Pride is decimated by about much more than study alone. Employers, we are told, line states that timetables should be kept clear from 1pm, absences due to timetabled commitments which run up to are looking for non-academic achievements and skills, so a policy that Students’ Union Sports officers have policed 1pm (and in some cases beyond). A few years back, many why does UniS perpetuate this obstruction to those who year on year with varying success. This policy is designed to students would have quite routinely skipped lectures to want to represent the university in the sporting arena? At allow UniS teams to play competitive matches against other pursue sporting success, but in this era of tuition fees and the very least, *compulsory* labs and lectures should not Universities, as well as allowing the non-competitive sports escalating debt such sacrifices are harder to justify. In be timetabled after 11am on Wednesdays, so that students at clubs to have an entire afternoon to pursue their interests. the case of compulsory labs and lectures, the student is least have a choice whether to catch up on them later. This is all well and good, but a quick browse through the unfortunately at the mercy of their department. Granted, UniS fixture list reveals the stunning statistic that 50% of players from teams can switch up and down the ranks to fit Yours, matches are actually played ‘away’ at other Universities. these timetables and play only home games, but at the cost of JONAH (Former 3rd XI Footy Captain) Now - last time we checked - a 2pm ‘Kick Off’ (Push Back team continuity. Is it really fair that a regular team member STRIPPER & STALLION (Netball) or whatever) in Brighton, Southampton or London means who helps his or her team to qualify for the knockout BUSA RICHARD “SPECIAL” WAINWRIGHT (Hockey Chairman) that you have to leave Guildford well before 1pm. If and competition in spring, returns after Christmas to find their MALIBU (former Social Sec, Hockey Webmaster)

Dear Editor, Do you have a complaint against this newspaper? I feel it is necessary to bring the following those retailers are offered at exactly the assume that they would offer the books at a issue to the attention of all University of same price as the one’s in the University price halfway between the wholesale price If you have a complaint about any item in this newspaper which contains inaccuracy, harassment, Surrey students. Bookshop! they are buying them at and the standard intrusion or discrimination write to our editor about As we all know, all our courses require How can that be!? The University retail price in high street shops. The it. textbooks to supplement the material taught Bookshop is not affiliated in any visible way Bookshop would still make a profit this way If you remain dissatisfied please contact the in lectures and tutorials. We keep on getting with a commercial company (apart from while providing students with a lessened Press Complaints Commission - an independant organisation established to uphold an editorial Code told that the University Bookshop has copies UniS, of course); in fact, it is meant to be an financial burden. I would very much like to of Practice for the Press. This newspaper will abide of Book X and Book Y available. So far so integrated part of the University. One would know what drives the university to pursue by their decision. good. However, the lecturers then continue assume that the Bookshop would therefore profits at the expense of students. to apologise about the rather high prices of offer books at reduced prices compared to Press Complaints Commission the books. All textbooks pertinent to my “outside” retailers. However, they don’t. Yours, 1 Salisbury Square London EC4Y 8JB course cost between £30 (the cheapest one) In my opinion this is a very disgusting NICK PAPAS Telephone: 020 7353 1248 and £42 (most expensive one), with the way of treating students. We have more Facsimile: 020 7353 8351 average being at around £36!! than enough (financial) burdens to worry PLEASE NOTE: the first Student Council A quick look around the web at sites such about and take care of. If the University was meeting will be held on Thursday wk.4 Printed by South West Wales Publications as Amazon, Blackwell’s and Waterstone’s actually committed to providing meaningful in Hari’s Bar Adelaide Street, Swansea reveal that those aforementioned books at and helpful services to students, you would Tel: 01792 510000 6 UNION 26 September 2002

oney KEEP A LOOK OUT FOR THE VOLUNTEERING AND DAVE STANDS AT FRESHERS FAYRE. THEY ARE M atters THERE FOR YOU, JUST LIKE THE UNION Welcome to everyone who is new to UniS this week.

The Student Advice & Information Service is available to all students at the university. We have a great deal of information available on a huge range of subjects, though we deal particularly with financial advice and assistance. We hope to have met many of you by the end of this week as we take part in the induction programs held in the various schools; we will also be at Fresher’s Fayre tomorrow, so please come over and say hello or pop into the office if you think we can help. By now you will probably have opened a student bank account. If you haven’t organised this yet it is something you should think about doing soon. It is worth “shopping around” to try and get the best deal – this is not necessarily the bank that is offering the most attractive freebies at the moment! Look carefully at the interest rates that apply and the overdraft facilities likely to be made available, both over the time that you are studying for your degree and immediately afterwards before you decide which bank to go to. Don’t forget that the Student Advice & Information Service (SAIS) can help you with a words: niky muirhead whole range of problems, so feel free to pop in and see us. WELCOME TO UNIS – hope you’re enjoying your freshers’ week and have explored our vast range of societies and clubs. Don’t forget that some clubs can make more of a difference Student Advice& Information Service (SAIS): Wey Flat 2 | Surrey Court than others, and not only to your cv. For example, the “drink-as-much-as-you-like-club” (if t: [68]9261 | e: [email protected] we have one) may be a lot of fun but joining a society like the Green Society helps you get involved with others who are interested in really making a difference. Through GreenSoc I found out about the Young People’s Trust for the Environment and their Millennium Awards for young people (you and me) who feel passionately about the environment and green issues and want to start a project in their local area. FRESHERS FESTIVAL My scheme is based at the University of Surrey Sports Centre, UniSport, and has two aims: firstly to reduce the amount of landfill waste from the centre by recycling the cans and bottles and secondly to encourage poeple to refill their plastic bottles rather than throwing them FRIDAY 27TH SEPTEMBER away every day. Bins will be in place on all three floors of the UniSport buiding next to the vending machines. The next time yu are at the gym, aerobics or climbing, don’t throw your empty bottle in teh unmarked bin – walk half a metre more and recycle it or, better still, keep it and 11AM TO 5PM use it tomorrow. Leaflets will also be vailable in the UniSport building if you are interested in the scheme. official launch of the new students’ union The staff at the Young People’s trust for the Environment are really helpful and encouraging, and as part of the award you go on a training week where you plan your project, learn to 11am organise budgest and eat nettles! I would really encourage anyone with an idea to get in contact and maybe apply for a grant. stag hill entrance For more details contact Niky on [email protected] or the trust on [01483] 452951.

Freshers Fayre Sports Fayre NOTICES Nordic Society AGM 30th September 7-8pm Lecture Theatre A venue | varsity centre venue | union house Scout & Guide AGM 30th September 8-9pm Lecture Theatre A

ChemSoc EGM 3rd October 3pm Grant Mitchell Room [the big building with [if wet, then it will be in the sports centre on UniS Big Band open rehearsals will be held on Monday 30th October and ‘students’ union’ written Monday 7th November, from 6pm-8pm in AP4, after which this years band will on it] campus] be selected. Any queries contact Martyn Humphreys (07941) 151811 [email protected] or James Tibbles (07966) 464171 [email protected]

societies sports clubs Sociology and Pyschology Social Society AGM 9th October Grant Mitchell Room time tbc student services UniSport Law Society AGM 3rd October 6pm TB23 companies UniS sports league University of Surrey Society of Change Ringers AGM 8th October 7.30pm Students’ Union free stuff free stuff Arabic Society 10th AGM 10th October 6pm LTJ 26 September 2002 UNION 7

Q If I want to do leadership first and then the three core sessions for my brinze will I have to do Leadership again at Gold level? What is individual development? A No, you only have to do it once and if you have already done it for your bronze ID then you can pick and mix for Gold ID. Scott Farmer gives a brief overview of the pilot skills scheme developed by USSU and UniS Q I am a Union Society Officer and also coach in the community do I Individual Development (ID) is the University and Union’s way Assert Yourself and Ideal Presentations. And for the final, Gold ID only get 5 points for doing those of giving you the recognition you deserve for developing your key we say Leading to the Top! (See bottom of page for more details). sessions? employability skills and interests outside of your academic career. All of the sessions are interactive, fun and are aimed at involving F A No, in fact you will be rewarded What you do may and indeed should help towards your academic you in coming up with strategies to develop yourself in the most for attending both sessions. So a career and enable you to achieve even better results. appropriate way that suits you. total of 10 ID points. Increasingly graduate employers are reporting that when people To book onto the sessions pop into the students union reception and A leave university they do not have the skills or the ability to draw we will either book you onto the session or direct you to the right Q If I only do one session this out the skills that people need in order to survive in the modern place. For Sessions from Careers go to the Careers Service. year can I carry my points over workplace. For those of you already involved in a university or union activity till the next year or even till my ID has drawn upon the skills of the most appropriate areas of the we have a range of essentials training sessions which we will award Q final year? university in order to give you a comprehensive range of options. you five points for attending. The majority of these sessions take you A Yes, although this is a pilot project and As you can see from the list of sessions already available there is through the roles and responsibilities for the activity and then any ID will change its format as it grows; you something for everyone and you can tailor ID to fit around you! The further information you need. will be able to carry your points across the only thing we say you must do are the six compulsory sessions. Already Union Sports Officers and Crew have started their ID years you are uni. For the first stage, which we have called Bronze ID we say programmes and those who have already attended Careers sessions you must have done the following modules: Getting It Right will be awarded points. For more information contact: (Communication), Making More Time (Time Management) and If you are in one of the groups offering the essential sessions you Working with Others (Team Working). These are the sessions which will also be able to exchange the pick and mix session in term 1 and Scott Farmer | Student Services Co-ordinator we believe are generic in almost any working situation and are term 2 against a maximum of 10 points for each term. Criteria for [01483] 683951 or extension 3951 essential for you to complete. the awarding of points in each of those activities is currently being [email protected] At the second stage, Silver ID we say you must have completed: developed. or just drop by the union. core BRONZE | Getting it right | Making more time | Working with others SILVER | Assert yourself | Ideal presentations modules GOLD | Leading to the top

ESSENTIALS SESSIONS – 5 POINTS PICK ‘N’ MIX SESSIONS - 5 POINTS (if you are involved in one or more activity) • Coaching in the Community from the DAVE Project • Community Volunteers better studying | disability awareness in • Mentor Managers sport. | dj-ing for beginners | don’t crack! • Mentors – (dealing with stress) | effective meetings • Programme Representatives | finding your ideal nd2 year home | learning • Senior Residents to listen! | lobbying for success | money • Societies Officers money money | planning your event | solve- • Sports Clubs Officers it | the customer is always right – you can • Sports Community Coaches be too! | understanding equal opps | wed • Student Staff design for beginners | win/win negotiations • Tutors from the careers service • Union Executive Committee getting started | how to apply for a job | Officers how to survive the interview | personality • Union Crew and career choice | practice aptitude test | • University Ambassadors what next?

How to survive [part I] the experiences of a SOCRATES student LIVING ON CAMPUS By José David Surname: Masa Rodríguez nothing to do, everything is closed, even on Fridays and Saturdays. What about parties from From my point of view Guildford is a “strange” place; I don’t use strange in a bad way, dusk till dawn? Then Shops close at 6:00 pm, so if we have to take lessons until 8:00 pm, I only mean that differs so much from my homeland, Spain. when should we go shopping? The main difference between Spain and the United Kingdom is money. Here everything I’d like to bring two things to the English culture, “Spanish siesta” and “El Botellón”. For seems to be expensive, for example: In Spain 1 Beer (Budweiser) costs 2€ / £1.34 and in the those who are neophytes on the affair, “Spanish siesta” is a small sleep (about 1 or 2 hours) United Kingdom it cost 3.3€ / £2.20; 1 Box of Cigarettes (Marlboro) there 2.20€ / £1.46, here after lunch, and “El Botellón” is a social meeting you can have anywhere (at home, on the 6.93€ / £4.62; 1 hour Internet on a Cybercafé there 2€ / £1.34 and here 4.5€ / £3. I think I’m street, on a park) and you share a bottle of whiskey, vodka or rum with your friends, served going to give up all my bad habits. Oh!, I haven’t talked about the prices of condoms because in the appropriated way: 3 ice cubes on a large tube glass, 50 centilitres of the drink and you I brought some with me from Spain but I assume they’ll be expensive too. And this country fill the rest of the glass with “coke” or whatever. has one of the highest indexes of adolescent pregnancy so be careful and “Use it”. It’s very difficult to get used to everything here but it is only my first week here so I think The next point I’d like to talk about is opening and closing hours of Pubs, Discos and there are many things I have to discover. Not everything is bad, in Spain I had to sit 25 lectures Everything. Although there is something to do in the USSU everyday, from 2:00 am there’s a week and here only 10, I don’t know what to do. Let’s see what happens tomorrow.

26 September 2002 PROFESSIONAL PAGE 9 It is possible to find a job This weeks careers & skills talks SUCCESSFUL APPLICATIONS Employers Presentations MONDAY 30 SEPTEMBER | 1pm | LT F which is up your street Russ Clark will talk about application forms, COLLEGE OF LAW curriculum vitae and covering letters and how to TUESDAY 1 OCTOBER | 6.15pm use them to market yourself effectively. BELIEVE IT OR not, it is related opportunities at your LT E & LT F possible to find a job which fingertips. Information for law and non law graduates on THE DIPLOMATIC SERVICE* is just up your street. It all If you start with the question the LPC and PGDL courses. depends on coming up with concerning what you are THURSDAY 3 OCTOBER answers to questions such as good at, Prospects Planner, 6.15 PM | OAK SUITE 1 & 2 what do I enjoy, what am I a computer-assisted career Jon Benjamin, a Surrey graduate, will talk about careers in the Diplomatic Service, including tips M W KELLOGG LTD* good at and what is important guidance programme, will on how to get in (and get on) as well as telling THURSDAY 3 OCTOBER | 6.30pm to me. help you to analyse your skills anecdotes from his own career. LT M Take the first question for DR RUSS CLARK (as well as interests and values Details of opportunities for graduates in example. You may have come if you like) before making WHAT NEXT?* chemical, mechanical, electrical, instrumental, to Surrey because you thought suggestions about appropriate civil & structural engineering, logistics and You have all of the WEDNESDAY 2 OCTOBER | 2pm | LTB you would enjoy doing a jobs for you to consider. A This workshop follows on from “Getting supply with this global engineering company. certain degree. As you near degree-related chat with a careers adviser Started” and will help you match your skills and the end of your time here, opportunities at your would be another way to interests to employment opportunities or further you may now want to do a fingertips achieve the same result. study. job which uses your subject If you start from the position knowledge and experience directly in your that certain things are important to you in *Please register with Careers by email [email protected], or in person. future work. All that remains is to find a your career, there are ways to track down way to identify relevant opportunities and occupations which meet those needs. Just It’s been a month. A whole month. And I see what attracts you the most. A great suppose you want to earn a lot of money, for can’t quite believe it. place to start that process is by looking in the example, we have files in the Careers Service Well I was going to start off talking about folder marked Your Degree in something: called Job Descriptions which list over 400 the first month of my placement at the what next? which you will see as soon as occupations. The salaries you can expect to National Physical Laboratory in Teddington, lacement you come into the Careers Service. Each earn are listed for each occupation so you London, but I’m not. No, Word has decided of these carries a section in which we have can target those that offer the highest. All to put a squiggly green line under the second bundled together all of the jobs which are in all, there are many ways to make effective sentence there. And under Teddington. And likely to need someone with your degree. career choices. The Careers Service will try it seems to think that it’s ‘an squiggly green S EAK This means you have all of the degree- to help you whatever your starting point. line’. I’ll stop, because they’re piling up now. How can you write decent interesting articles (well, attempt) when it tells you off for being ‘fragmentary’, or when I type in Teddington, which even my mobile’s words: phillip howard predictive text understands. Yes, look now if P you must. 8333464866. before each match, to prevent baking in I’ve seen this kind of article before, where vinegar or any other mystic recipe. Actually the author goes off on one about Word’s knowing us lot the chances are someone interesting interpretation of English would get their ‘mate up in Yorkshire’ Grammar, and I’m beginning to see why it to give their conker a quick coating of happens so often. But that’s actually what industrial diamond, or someone they ‘knew HEATHER STYCHE PATEL I’m supposed to be doing, according to from a trip ages ago’ to reinforce it with steel School Manager the editor, Meister Watts. I’ll have got the impact rods. They’re all like that; they seem University of Surrey School of Management hang of it by next week. This is a bit bizarre to know someone from everywhere that can actually, because it’s made me realise how get them a quick order, or a cheap repair. much I write from thin air, without a plan Time for another journalistic device, the It sounds like a cliché but I guess that at University I learned to the article. I don’t like them plan things. ‘time and place’ paragraph. It’s now 9.48 to stand on my own two feet. In fact I never lived back with For example, here at NPL (whoo! Circular on September 11th. I’m sitting at my desk parents after I came to Surrey. The year that I spent as a tangent!) we are supposed to complete our wondering what I’ll see on the news tonight, sabbatical officer also prepared me for life beyond graduation. online timesheets at the beginning of the or tomorrow. I saw the PM talking at the As Vice-President for Education and Welfare I had to deal with week, instead of the end. But I haven’t the TUC conference on the news yesterday, some very difficult situations, which really opened my eyes. The sabbatical year wasa faintest idea what I’m going to do before the talking about the imminent threat of Saddam fantastic year full of personal development opportunities. week starts! Then again, that’s the mutual Hussein, and the need to act. As far as I can The two periods of placement that I undertook were probably the key ways in which the understanding in Photonics (my team) see out of my window there is no excessive University prepared me for the real world. Although I am not working using my Law or – there is something of an opinion that IT stress or suffering, no dangerous buildings, German directly, the experience of working at a management trainee level in a professional support and human resources will be first no falling sky, no hint of what life is like environment was instrumental in ensuring that I knew what to expect when I graduated. against the wall when the revolution comes. in Iraq, or of any personal threat from it’s In addition, having lecturers who continued to work outside the University as lawyers, meant I’m going to loop back to my other tangent dictator’s weapons. It could almost be an that the lectures were always related to current practice. Visiting speakers also provided an now because Word has just highlighted easy, happy day, until a military helicopter opportunity to gain an understanding of the real world. Photonics as being misspelt. So I’m in flies past and I’m reminded. Reminded that Living overseas in two different countries and trying to set up ‘home’ in alien environments the Hedonics department, measuring optic the people who will inevitably go off to fight was a real challenge, combined of course with trying to get to grips with two different fibres now am I, or perhaps the Potencies are real, normal people, from real families. organisations. Living and working overseas meant that I had to learn to respond rapidly to team. Really. Ooh, it doesn’t like the And they will go with the intent to kill real changing and challenging situations – and in a foreign language. In today’s world of work, ‘am’ in the previous sentence. Somehow people with real families too. But even change and challenge are key features and so you could say that my placements were the I’m ‘measuring optic fibres now is I’. My feeling as morose as this, I can see why. I foundation stones for the ways in which I’ve handled my career to date. grammar isn’t perfect, but the only person think everyone can see why, and that it’s My advice to students going on placement is to make sure you take full advantage of all the I’ve ever heard say ‘is I’ is Ali G. So does this inevitable now. I just think no one wants to opportunities you have whilst on placement. Even if you think a task/project may be too constitute Microsoft’s attempt to get down see it happen, to be the igniting spark. difficult, treat it as a learning opportunity – you never know when the skills you acquire will wiv da Orpington massiv. More squiggly I doubt things will have changed by the time be needed again. Above all, have fun (and if you can try and save a little bit of money; that’s lines. Which is apparently a fragment, that you read this, but the propaganda machine the Vice-President in me!) I’d better consider revising. Yah boo. will have started, and you should all feel Advice regarding “first job”: your first job is just that (it may not lead to a long career in one Well I’ll tell you something about my more resigned to the war. Maybe we can field or in the same organisation), but make sure you’re in a role that matches your skills, placement now I suppose. We’ve got give Saddam Hussein a little gift, a Trojan knowledge and experience. Don’t undersell yourself and if you’re not sure what your next a conker championship going – using horse type gift. An Iraqi copy of Microsoft step is, make use of Surrey’s excellent Careers Service. calibrated conkers. Conkers are provided Word. GIGS COMPETITION

more live music winners announced! reviews than you can more prizes! shake a stick at [in- top man vouchers! cluding oasis and that easy question again! bloke from the 80’s] [we’re too nice!]

directed by john polson starring Jesse Bradford, Erika Christensen, Shiri Appleby swimfan Conceived as a teenage version Fatal Attraction, SwimFan has a lot to live up to if it wants to recreate the suspense and shock-factor delivery of the 80’s tale of relationships going somewhat awry. Jesse Bradford stars as Ben Cronin, an all-star swimmer who has honed his craft of swimming into an escape from his cluttered and dark past. Ben has a perfect new life which is anchored by his supportive girlfriend, Amy; but just around the corner, Ben’s life, predictably for anyone as successful as he is, will fall into hell. He becomes intoxicated when the new girl at school, Madison Belle, seems to have her eye on him. When Ben gives into this new seduction, he has no idea that this will be his undoing and he will be caught in a cat-and-mouse struggle with the mysterious Madison. SwimFan starts off quite solid and, truth be told, I was surprised at how involved I got with this story even though everyone has seen almost carbon-copies of it a millions of times before. That the central male character is flawed is a positive, because you can understand him better than you would expect and you do not have to struggle to identify with the portrayal of a perfect screen-hero struggling against all odds. Some of the dream-like sequences were also pretty good, allowing the viewer to relax a little during what, at times, was a film approaching tense. The biggest problem with SwimFan, however, is that the writers had no idea where to go with the ending and thus could not keep up that tension. The final 15-20 minutes is so badly sculpted that you leave the film with a sour taste in your mouth. Your average twist ending or some clever conclusion would have done nicely – somehwat predictable damittedly, but then so was most of the film. Instead, “Look at me when I’m about to snog you, will you?” what we are given is a film that drops into “teen slasher” mode and we have a conclusion eerily similar to the “Michael Myers” or “Jason” movies. You could almost dub it as the “Madison Myers” ending. The performances of Jesse Bradford and Erika Christensen were as engaging as they needed to be – this movie is simply another vehicle for television high-school heroes to move into the bigger times (a la Final Destination). Christensen’s performance as the stalker got old after a while, partly because the film didn’t support her performance as it continued and partly because she was laughable as a crazed-stalker like killer. If SwimFan could have lived up to its basic premise and had a “killer” twist ending it could have been a dynamite of a movie, but as it is, all that can be said of it is that, on a scale of living animal to boiled bunny, we have a damp squid. words: richard watts left: Ben’s attempt to walk on water ends abruptly Director’s cut:alfred hitchcock Born the son of an East-end Green Grocer, Hitchcock’s By Jolyon Hunter black and beginnings in the glitzy world of movies were equally frightening humble: Back in 1919 he started out as an inter-titles authorities - which ultimately made them popular with the thriller and designer (e.g. “Meanwhile.. back at the Robinsons’ cinema-going public. in 1963 the House....”) for the silent movies being made at Paramount’s Thank you masterpiece Famous-Lasky Studios in London. His directorial debut During 1939 Hitchcock succumbed to the lure of that was “The came with “The Pleasure Garden” in 1925 - an Anglo- Hollywood and the family (his wife Alma, and daughter Birds”. German venture. Patricia) emigrated. Most studios thought that he could not Hitchcock Indeed it is Hitchcock’s stint as an Assistant Director direct a “Hollywood” movie and he struggled to find work was renowned at the German UFA Studios which heavily influenced until David O. Selznick gave him a seven-year contract to for getting the expressionistic style which characterises many of his direct. His first picture, “Rebecca” (1940), won the Best the most out films - a good example being “The Lodger” (1925) which Picture Oscar and cemented his career. his actors also, and worked with greats such as Ingrid produces one of Hitch’s favourite themes of “mistaken However, throughout his career, Hitchcock never won the Bergman, Cary Grant, Gregory Peck and James Stewart. identity” when a man is wrongly accused of being a Best Director Oscar. Upon receiving the Irving Thalberg He also had a fascination for blondes and typically tried to murderer. 39 Memorial Award at the 1967 Oscars, his acceptance speech mould actresses into “Hitchcock blondes” - Tippi Hedren Perhaps his most memorable effort of these earlier was the shortest in the history of the Oscars: “Thank you”. (The Birds, Marnie) being an example but Grace Kelly years was “The 39 The 1940s saw Hitchcock immerse himself in the (Rear Window) being the ultimate in many people’s eyes.

Steps” (1935) which slickness of Hollywood’s film-making techniques, and Hitchcockthe birds continued to work throughout the 60s and 70s, is packed full of applying these (and his own knowledge of electronics) and was still on top form when he made “Frenzy” in 1972. suspense, intrigue to produce some of the most memorable films of the This was probably his last “classic”, and after directing and memorable decade - “Lifeboat” (1944 and set entirely in a Lifeboat), a few mediocre pictures after Frenzy, Alfred Hitchcock characterisations “Spellbound” (1945 and incorporating Freudian psycho- passed away in 1980 due to renal failure. - it was a critical and analysis metaphors) and “Rope” (1948 and shot in one His memory lives on and his influence on successive commercial success. complete take - no cuts). generations of filmmakers cannot be underestimated. The Many of his 1930s Good eeeevening way he used the medium of film to portray the eternal films placed ordinary In the 1950s Hitchcock agreed to host and occasionally conflict of light/dark, good/evil and the twisting plots and people to whom the direct a TV anthology series and it is following this period character psychologies which existed throughout his films, audience could relate, of widespread exposure that he directed, arguably, his best make him one of the greatest directors of the Centruy. Like in difficult situations films. In 1958 came the classic complex thriller “Vertigo”; the man himself once said.... often being pursued by in 1959 the exhilarating “North By Northwest” with its thenorth villains and the famous crop-dusterby scene; innorthwest 1960 came “Psycho”, the “Some films are slices of life, mine are slices of cake.” 26 September 2002 FILM 11 Classic of the week psycho Hitchcock’s Psycho, when first released in 1960, was touted in its advertising as the ultimate in suspense thrillers. And when it hit theatres, the film was almost universally panned - and panned without mercy. It was dismissed as an evil, sick joke foisted upon an unsuspecting audience by director Alfred Hitchcock. Psycho did not originally begin life as a motion picture - it began as a third rate book by second rate horror writer Robert Bloch. Bloch became intrigued with the life of serial killer Ed Gein - a somewhat dumpy, middle-aged loser who had a habit of cross-dressing and dispatching young women. Bloch turned the real life story of this killer into a rather pulpy, none too suspenseful novel which read more as a first draft than an actual polished work. Still, there was a germ of an idea nestled safely within the covers that caught the attention of Alfred Hitchcock who very cleverly purchased the film rights for several hundred dollars by going through a third party. He than transformed this germ into quite simply, “The Daddy” of all suspense movies. Incidentally did you know that chocolate sauce was used instead of blood and also until this very day (admittedly this very day being when I went to Universal Studios about 10 years ago) the lead actress has been too scared to take a shower ever since filming Psycho.

left: “christ this shower is hot”

full metal jacket: heavy above: deirdre’s audition for the impulse ad was going well until she remembered she was only a silhouette

“What am I looking for again?” “Blokes dressed in army uniforms” “And what do I do when I see them? Say hello?” “No - you shoot them?” “Shoot them?” “Yep - shoot ‘em.” “Where?” “In the buttocks.” “Directly in the buttocks?” “Yep - shoot them directly in the buttocks.” “Why do we do that?” “That’s what we’re supposed to do” “Well - stupid is as stupid does.” “Pardon.” “Sorry - wrong film.” in wit’ me mates WAR!! HUH!! YEAH!!ILM What is it good for? Making g-reat movies!! Now there are a number of fantastic war movies and due to the immense number I have to recommend quite a Ffew and therefore can only write a little bit about each. Let us start with Platoon; a film based around a platoon (funnily enough) sent to Vietnam, or “Nam” as me “vet” buddies tend to refer to it as, within which there is a little ongoing conflict. A top movie and very moving. Now, moving swiftly on toFull Metal Jacket; this Stanley Kubrick classic is almost two films in one. First we have the training camp where soldiers are pushed to the brink and then we see them in action in “Nam”. A very deep, harrowing film, but it’s about war so what did you expect. Pen ultimately we have The Thin Red Line; a star studded movie by the legendary Terence Malick starring our very own Ben Chaplin. An absolutely brilliant film that gets better each time I see it. In addition there is an absolutely hilarious moment, which had me in stitches where a guy blows his own ass off with a grenade but then again it has been said that I have a twisted sense of humour. Lastly but by no means least there is Saving Private Ryan, the main story isn’t up to much but the sub-plots are great. Sorry about the huge rush but I love war films and there are so many good ones out there, however please remember that they are essentially about killing large numbers of people so these movies may not to be to everyone’s taste.

all words: stew fudge + jolyon hunter The film pages are beginning to take shape and we hope that you are enjoying the offerings we give you each week. We have aimed for not only film reviews each week, but also that little bit extra - a guide to some old videos you could pick out and a true “classic” for each week. It’s designed to give you that more rounded approach to film. This is why there is the new “director’s cut” feature - a look at the works of an influential director and how they became so well known. We appreciate that it might not be to everyone’s taste, but by putting all of this sort of thing in, hopefully we’ll be catering for the majority. As ever, though, if you feel there is anything we can improve on or if you would like to help with the film section, then e-mail the address below and, as the Beatles said, we can work it out.

[email protected]

26 September 2002 LITERATURE 15

AUTHOR OF THE WEEK Literature Salman Rushdie classic | metamorphosis | franz kafka Salman Rushdie is the most prominent Indian writer of the last two decades: his second novel, Midnight’s Children, established him as the most famous post-colonial interpreter of Kafka’s The Metamorphosis raises many By Richard Watts India and introduced his unique literary style to a wide audience. It is a rolling, haphazard questions for people who are facing a style, filled with wordplays, a sometimes intimidating intelligence, elements of magical time of transition and transformation. The “guilt.”) realism, easy transitions between the old world of India and the new one of England and tale of the unfortunate Gregor Samsa can Without question, The Metamorphosis America, and intensely enigmatic characters. Each of his successive books have edified make us think more deeply about our own is full of religious resonances: the his place at the head of modern Indian literature. Although he gained worldwide notoriety identity, about the fluidity of what we take “conversion” itself, the wrath of the father, in 1989 when the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini of Iran issued a death sentence for what to be stable and fixed, and about the perils the fatal apple, Gregor’s “Christ-like” were deemed blasphemous statements against Islam in his novel The Satanic Verses, he had and miracles of our own metamorphoses. death, “nailed” to the floor by the apple already won widespread literary fame, honors, and critical acclaim. Young Indian literary One of the most compelling thrown by his father. But what talents like Arundhati Roy and Vikram Seth have been viewed as both his contempories elements in Kafka’s genius is does it all amount to? A vast and his heirs. precisely his uncanny ability to landscape of failure. Gregor’s Rushdie’s first novel,Grimus , was published in 1975 and sold poorly. Midnight’s Children translate the highly personal, transformation brings no followed in 1981; it was received extremely well, winning the Booker Prize that year particular circumstances of apparent redemption; the many and inaugurated Rushdie as an important writer. His next novel, Shame, dealt with Indo- his life into works that are fragments of higher meaning that Pakistani relations, as personified by the families of two dueling men. universally compelling. Even come to us as we contemplate The Satanic Verses (1988), brought Rushdie out of the literary world and into the realm of the barest knowledge of his metamorphosis do not add up pop culture, international politics, and religious struggle. The novel functions as a series of Kafka’s life allows us to see to a story of either good or evil, dreamscapes wrought by two Indian men who survive a terrorist bombing of an airplane. It the autobiographical elements redemption or damnation. was banned in a dozen countries and prompted demonstrations and riots in India, Pakistan, in his writing: his tormented Instead, what we have is the and South Africa. The climactic statement on it, however, came from Ayatollah Khomeini, relationship with his father and fact of his metamorphosis. who denounced Rushdie and his book and issued a fatwa (religious proclamation) calling emotional distance from his mother; his Kafka does not give us an explanation of for the author’s death. Forced into seclusion, Rushdie spent much of his time in England sense of personal weakness and failure; how such a change is possible, nor does because of the danger of traveling abroad. his much-resented work as a lawyer and he explain why this unusual condition During his first year of hiding, Rushdie wroteHaroun and the Sea of Stories. A fairy tale bureaucrat. These are several issues he has been inflicted on Gregor. But he about a young boy named Haroun, it is noticeably detached from the very real concerns deals with in Metamorphosis, really quite does present the condition of Gregor’s Rushdie had for his life at the time, although it also issues a firm allegorical criticism of brilliantly. metamorphosis with great naturalistic and censorship. The Moor’s Last Sigh builds on Midnight’s Children’s memoir-like history of The first is the issue of “communication.” realistic detail. India, this time through the voice of a Moor speaking from a Spanish grave. The novel Gregor’s detachment from humanity It was Friedrich Nietzsche who suggested won several international awards, landed on the New York Tmes list of 10 Most Notable occurs not only through the initial physical that in the absence of God, science had Books for 1996, and announced Rushdie’s return to the literary world, in deed if not yet in metamorphosis, but also through the loss become the new faith of the nineteenth body. Following it was The Ground Beneath Her Feet, published in mid-1999, which also of communication that follows. The century. Kafka extends Nietzsche’s received generally high praise. Inspired in substantial degree by the Orpheus and Eurydice failure of communication drives a wedge proposition in The Metamorphosis by myth, it is set in a world of modern rock/pop, and represents another step towards ordinary between his inner life, which remains implying the following question: what if literary life for Rushdie. essentially “human,” and the exterior our organic life, our biological existence, is In mid-2001, Rushdie published his seventh novel Fury, a “very American novel” about world of appearances, in which he is now just as arbitrary as our moral being? What if a British professor who moves to New York at the end of the millennium, becomes a judged to be what he appears to be: an there is no necessity or purpose in organic television star, and invents the world’s most popular puppet. While American critics praised insect. When his mother finally addresses life? What if evolution were to reverse itself Rushdie’s effort (with some reservations), the British press complained loudly about what loving words directly to him his response or if there were no pattern at all? Instead they perceived as a desertion from the country that had protected him for a decade. Fury is that of a human being craving affection. of reassuring us about the orderliness and had been on the shelves barely a month when, due to the terrorist attacks of September 11, But with rare exceptions such as that, his stability of the natural world, Gregor Samsa the FAA forbade Salman Rushdie from boarding an airplane. existence and his sense of self as vermin seems to be drifting aimlessly in the fluid of Book To Start With: Midnight’s Children are confirmed by the absence or failure of an evolutionary life force. We may assume If you like Salman Rushdie try: Amit Chaudhuri or Anita Desai communication. that Kafka did not believe in the literal Significantly, whatever elseThe possibility of Samsa’s transformation. This Metamorphosis is about, it is also about is, after all, a work of imagination, a kind debt. The Samsas are in debt; and Gregor, of thought experiment: but by using this the dutiful son, takes over their debt as his extreme image of evolutionary backsliding, own. But it is a debt that he cannot repay, Kafka challenged his era’s optimistic faith that chains him, and ultimately contributes in progress. And, he still challenges us to to the loss of his humanity. (Any speakers think more deeply about the relationship of German would know, “Schuld,” the between the animal and the human in German word for “debt,” also means ourselves. Competition[s]

We finally have some winners in all of the competitions - it’s pretty exciting stuff, isn’t it? I have to say that I am very proud of you all and that the number of entries received over all competitions (37 in total, you know) may very well be a record...I hope you keep it up. This week, Topman have been good enough to give us £100 of vouchers to spend on their Anyway, without further a do, here are the winners: brand new collection. It incorporates urban style mixed with sleek, graphic retro knits and an eclectic mix of punk and customisation. Remember that you can get your 10% student Dangermouse dvd’s (because DM’s sidekick was indeed Penfold) go to Anna Clayton and discount both in store and online (at topman.co.uk) as well. All you have to do to win the Adam Collard. The muse digital versatile disc goes to Nick Michailidis and the runner’s vouchers is answer this question: up prize of the old set of barefacts fridge magnets goes to Nathan Jones. The USSU cloth- ing will be worn proudly by one Adam Hehir, because he knows that USSU stands for what is the Topman website? University of Surrey Students’ Union. Finally, Ben J Davis will be off to Turnmills next Friday because he knew they were 7 years old in April. Well bloody done to everyone. All answers to [email protected] please - Come by the barefacts office to pick up your loverrrrrly prizes. the closing date is next tuesday of wk.4, so you have the weekend to have a think. If you weren’t lucky this time around, then keep trying because there’s lots to be won and still not hundreds of people entering. judges decision is final and all that. Good luck. 16 MUSIC 26 September 2002

DREAMING OF YOU DELIRIOUS INGLES the coral | deltasonic nelly | universal S This is a jaunty little number by the new Please, I beg you, don’t buy this, if only so Scousers on the scene. It is 2 minutes that I don’t have to ever hear it again. The and 23 seconds of strong melody, band man wears a f*****g plaster on his face COMING IN FROM THE COLD harmonies and a jangly guitar solo as a fashion statement for goodness sake, the delgados | mantra reminiscent of the 60’s Merseybeat sound. what a loser! You’ve got to be some sort of “Bring the hats out” – this is a summer’s It’s the sort of song you immediately think remedial really haven’t you?! Seriously, he over single from indie stalwarts the is a bit irritating, but after hours floating should be locked up! If anyone else did that Delgados. Acoustic guitars and lovely soft around your head, you just have to play it they’d be publicly ridiculed. If that’s not vocals, this is very….nice, until you really on repeat. seven reason enough to steer clear then just listen listen to the words. “We’re coming in from to the single and SURELY that will put you the cold, and everybody’s searching for the coral: outdoor lovers nelly: had pictures taken at the colours ball SIX DAYS off. The song sounds like a nursery rhyme someone to hold. Have a look around you dj shadow | island/mo wax with “gangsta” rapping over the top and there’s no one there. How can you call this Hip-hop guru DJ Shadow returns with some silly woman (Kelly from Destiny’s fair?” Ahh, cheer up guys. six this single taken from ‘The Private Press’ Child apparently) who, for some reason, is LP. DJ Shadow’s ‘Endroducing’ album proclaiming her love for the plaster-wearing was recently voted ‘Best Dance Album Of weirdo! This is a truly crap record, which All Time’ by Muzik magazine and this is unfortunately is bound to do well mainly words by: alex read cutting-edge dance music. With immediate due to the fact that the charts are controlled simon robinson loops and moody beats sampled over a by the pre-teens and we all know they love jon swarbrick | duncan hills folky vocal, this proves DJ Shadow is still their nursery rhymes. I hate this song. one matty b | anna wheeler at the forefront of his genre. eight

ALBUMS

A RUSH OF BLOOD TO THE HEAD coldplay | parlophone This band need no introduction after the success of “Parachutes”. In their 2nd album, Coldplay have really matured and stepped away from their previous Travis comparisons. Where Travis have continuously churned out song after song of samey droany dribble (with exception to their first album “Good Feeling”), Coldplay are developing and moving along on their own musical journey. There have been lots of similarities to Radiohead talked about and although I do not entirely agree with these, there are parallels. When Radiohead released “The Bends” it showed the world that they were a much bigger outfit than just “Creep” as Coldplay are moving away from “Yellow”. Comparisons can be drawn up from the first track on the album, “Politik” to the wild “Planet Telex” from “The Bends” as it starts with a confused guitar and keyboard blur with a similar feel, this gives way to Martin and his piano. His request of “Give me real, don’t give me fake” is clearly accepted as the song and album continue in an excellent way. This song proceeds “In My Place” which is their first single of the album. It’s a strong song with good melodies and has everything expected from the band. The album follows suit with more good songs particularly the beautiful “The Scientist”, “Green Eyes” and the emotion filled “Warning Sign”. Worth £10 of anyone’s student loan. eight

TRUST BRING IT BACK HORSE OF THE DOG Low | rough trade mcalmont and butler | chrysalis the eighties matchbox b line disaster | no This album is beautiful. At times Odd couple McAlmont and Butler have death melancholic and also equally lovely, this recovered from their feuding and return With an opening line to an album, “I is a very complete album from Low. The with their second album on October 28th. wanna fuck your mother, it’s a dirty job band name is quite apt, as opener ‘(That’s The band comprises David McAlmont with but someone’s got to do it well”, rock n How You Sing) Amazing Grace’ shows his fantastic, soulful voice that sounds as Roll doesn’t come much dirtier. And this straight away, as it is unsettling and good as ever here, and ex-Suede guitarist is exactly what ‘Horse of the Dog’ is, 10 moody. Other tracks such as ‘The Lamb’ Bernard Butler. Their two distinctive tracks and 26 minutes of dirty rock n roll. are equally dark, but other tracks are styles blend together well, and opening From ‘Celebrate your mother’ to ‘Psychosis rockier (‘Canada’) and some, particularly tracks ‘Theme From’ and ‘Falling’ are quite Safari’, this debut album from this Brighton ‘Tonight’ are downright gorgeous. The rocky, yet soulful. After this though, the 4 piece, is drenched in deep down, low overall musical style is bound to draw album seems to blend into the background slung, mud caked rock n roll that would comparisons with bands such as Radiohead with music that would be perfect for send even the strongest running to their and Goldfrapp. ‘Trust’ is worthy of being middle-class, middle-aged dinner parties. mother’s. Lets just hope that they are not mentioned in the same breath as these great Exceptions are ‘Blue’ and the upbeat title being shown a good time somewhere else. bands as this is fantastic. Atmospheric late- track ‘Bring It Back’. Unfortunately there Lock up your mum’s the eighties disaster night listening. nine is nothing here to rival the duo’s first single are here! eight ‘Yes’. So all very nice, but hardly cutting- edge. five mcalmont and butler: same picture as last week SCORPIO RISING death in vegas | concrete The nature of the collaborations on Death in Vegas new album, give you a clue as to where it is going to lead you. With appearances from Liam Gallagher to Hope Sanderval (formerly of Mazy Star) to Dot Allison, ‘Scorpio Rising’ is made up of an eclectic mix of straight rock, ‘Scorpio Rising’ (featuring a resurgent Liam Gallagher), psychedelic love ‘Killing Smile’ and kitsch electro ‘Hands around my Throat’. All these styles fit together seamlessly, however, the real highlights of the album, and when DIV are at their best, are when they are left to their own devices. ‘Girls’ and ‘Leather’, both featuring no collaborations sees them at their darkest and moodiest both tracks are something My Bloody Valentine would be proud of. Fans of the Contino Sessions maybe disappointed, but the talent of this album is the eclectic mix of tracks that DIV mange to piece pretty nicely together. seven 26 September 2002 GIGS 17 Oasis ‘ave it in Madchester liam gallagher: can read, apparently old trafford cricket ground | sunday 15th september words and ‘observations’: alex read Oasis rocked into Manchester for two days albums, which only went to highlight how on to play all the classics from previous of refined (for them) rock n roll. Refined in much better their current album is. Electric albums, by classics I mean they played the sense they’ve been doing this for over Soft Parade were up next and frankly nothing off the shite ‘Be Here Now’. Plenty ten years; the attitude of the fifty thousand I’ve never seen a less engaging group of of jumping about followed before the crowd was anything but! From the minute individuals, the lead singer came across quality of new tunes: ‘Little by Little’ and Soundtrack of Our Lives (the first support as a tosser, slagging off JJ72 for no other ‘Born on a Different Cloud’ really started band) came onstage the bottles started reason than to look well ard – which he to show. The combination of new and old flying, I felt a sudden empathy with those didn’t. If you want to know why we’ve had was killer. A Manc to my left got it right poor, totally innocent bastards in Baghdad. no real rock n roll stars since the Gallaghers halfway through “They could play any one “Let’s ave it!” was the theme of the day take a look at this geezer and it’ll soon of thirty songs right now and everyone and everyone with the exception of ‘session click. ESP are in short no where near ready (about five tonight) including new single: would know it and go fuckin mental” musicians’ Gem Archer and Andy Bell ad for a gig of this size. That brings things to ‘Check The Meaning’ all sound great and quite right their back catalogue is truly it large. Bell and Archer are so reliable and Richard Ashcroft, now this is more like immediately catchier than his previous solo comprehensive. We got a recorded version consistent that you can’t help wandering it! Accompanied by a saxophone player stuff. Around this point two lads in front of Wonderwall at the end to serenade the if they’re in the right band? Soundtrack of and some string musicians Dickey took of me pissed into a paper Carling cup and crowd out of the venue. Quality gig, only Our Lives got things rolling at about half us through all the best Verve tunes: Lucky proceeded to hurl the contents forward one problem: if your under six foot you four. Big guitar chops coupled with a big Man, History, Bitter Sweet Symphony onto the head of some geezer twenty feet in have to work hard to actually see the band lead singer resulted in only intermittent etc. These old tunes had been reworked to front – only in Madchester! Oasis arrived onstage – oh and on a different subject bouts of head nodding and feet shuffling. sound quite different with the saxophone, to ‘Fookin in the Bushes’ which is about some bird was giving a BJ to her boyfriend They played material from all previous strings and all that jazz. His new tunes this best intro music imaginable. They went right next to me – let’s ave it! royal albert hall | tuesday 17 september Sunday’ go down a storm with the crowd, No-Wave, the alternative branch of the USSU Music Society, representing all you punkers, everyone singing along with gusto. ‘Late metallers, rockers and other alternative music fans meets on Thursday evenings at 7.30 in Waiting outside the Royal Albert Hall you Night, Maudlin Street’ is particularly the Grant Mitchell Room. The society aims to facilitate and encourage the provision of wouldthe not be mistakenmore for thinking thatyou moving ignore live and is dedicated tome the late alternative music based entertainment within USSU and is open to all. the 1980s never ended. A group of fans Katrin Cartlidge. Of the new material the The society will be hosting the following nights in the Helyn Rose Bar: dressed like Morrissey wait impatiently, Los Angeles gangland tale, ‘The First Of with their noses pressedthe against glass,closer for The Gang i To Die’,get really stands out with FRIDAY WEEK 5 | FRIDAY WEEK 7 | FRIDAY WEEK 9 the doors to open, anxious to finally get a probably the best chorus since ‘Suedehead’. glimpse of their idol after three long years. Sadly, the same cannot be said of ‘Mexico’ And a special No-Wave bands night in the main union on the Saturday of week 10 (tbc) One is wearing a hearing aid, mimicking with the embarrassing chorus “If you’re For further information visit our website: www.no-wave.co.uk or come along to one of our Morrissey’s famous appearance on Top of rich and you’re white / You’ll be alright”. weekly meetings. the Tops on which he wore At the end of the gig one as a sign of solidarity Morrissey, following the open mic night | tuesday 17th september to a deaf fan. Many in MORRISSEY showbiz rule ‘always the queue are wearing leave them wanting more’, Morrissey or Smiths t-shirts and some returns for a one song encore of the Smiths The brand new LIVE season kicked off to fans have even brought gladioli along with classic ‘There Is A Light That Never Goes an eclectic start on Tuesday with an “open Barney’s rendition of “Time of your Life” them. Out’ wearing a pink t-shirt. The crowd mic” night hosted by homegrown duo FINe by Green Day. LIVE regulars Mistaken Inside the atmosphere is electric. As goes bezerk at hearing one of the finest and dANDY. As expected the usual comic I.D (look out for them at LIVE later in the the lights dim, a John Betjeman poem is songs The Smiths ever produced live. As quips and classic covers ensued, including year) appeared minus their drummer to play played over the PA - Morrissey is never Morrissey leaves the stage he takes off tributes to Queen on banjo and mandolin! a couple of their own songs before being one to miss an opportunity for pretension. his t-shirt and throws it into the crowd. A A mixture of old and new faces appeared joined by Heather Andrews to sing “Oops, A football chant goes up from the crowd bundle breaks out as fans, shove and push throughout the night, many on the spur I Did It Again”. Even LIVE can’t seem to “Mor-is-ee! Mor-is-ee! Mor-is-ee!”. The to try and tear a piece of the reportedly of the moment. Matt Rock, Art and escape Britney! sound of peeling church bells finally ushers Gucci t-shirt for themselves. Who says even LIVE’s very own secretary Dave The high point of the evening (and I think Morrissey and his band on stage to a frenzy Morrissey is tight? Moore took to the stage to sing a version I speak for most) was Spam Fritters, the of screams and rapturous applause. The Morrissey is a man who can sell out two of Radiohead’s “Nice Dream”. Another talented duo who wowed us with music band explodes straight into ‘I Want The nights at the Royal Albert Hall within familiar face, in the form of Rich Watts, ranging from Coldplay to Blue. Not One I Can’t Have’ and the crowd goes hours, but who amazingly hasn’t had a appeared to serenade the audience with forgetting the finale “Too Many Dead mental. Fans try to get onto the stage to record deal since 1997. He now has the “Lady in Red”. I’m sure everyone in the Hedgehogs”! touch Morrissey, but are rapidly stopped band and the material for a new album, so audience is looking forward to hearing Rich LIVE will be back in Week 4 (Tuesday 1st by security. Much of tonights material is let’s hope this tour is the start of a revival sometime in the future at LIVE. October) with special guest Martin Grech from ‘Viva Hate’, Morrissey’s first solo for the exiled Morrissey. God knows he’s Stage Crew were supporting LIVE both plus support from Gin Panic. Don’t miss album. ‘Suedehead’ and ‘Everyday Is Like earnt it. words: matt sheppard off-stage (much respect!) and on with out on a real treat.

This Saturday, September 28th sees the return of Cigars And Good Living (CAGL) to a fortnightly residency at the Union, bringing Freshers Week to a close. Each night will be based on a specific theme kicking off with The Ibiza Reunion Party, a chance to re-live the madness of the summer. Other themes will include Outer Space, Underwater and of course the world famous Club Classics night. Music on the night will be biggest quality GAZ DAVIES’ CURRENT TOP 10 house and trance anthems that have been massive in Ibiza over summer, though 01: ARCHIGRAM - CARNIVAL | CRYDAMOURE there have been quite a few, so it’ll be 02: 2 HEADS - OUT OF THE CITY | 2M quite hard to fit them all in! Expect to hear 03: BEBEL GILBERTO - SO NICE | WARNER Tim Deluxe but don’t expect Mad’House. 04: BASEMENT JAXX - DO YOUR THING | XL For weekly charts of the resident DJ’s 05: COSMOS - TAKE ME WITH YOU | WHITE Gareth Davies and Tim Dingley, all 06: KWIRKY - SWEAT | JUNIOR information about events and photos from 07: SUPERCHUMBO - IRRESISTABLE | TWISTED previous nights go to www.cagl.co.uk. 08: DEEP SENSATION - STAY A WHILE | JUNIOR The site is updated constantly and you’ll 09: WHO DA FUNK - SHINY DISCO BALLS | SUBUSA also find tunes and mixes that you can 10: SUPULA - ALERT | CONGOS FRANCE download. 18 COMMUNICATION 26 September 2002

THIS WEEK ON GU2 ONE LUCKY WINNER WILL WALK AWAY WITH 4 TOP GU2 Radio CLASS ALBUMS: TOPLOADER, COLDPLAY, THE MANIC STREET PREACHERS & SUGABABES The competition started on Monday this week but you can tune in tonight between 5pm and words: Piers Karsenbarg 7pm and tomorrow between 1pm and 2pm to hear the competition question. The winner will be announced at 1pm this Friday at the freshers fayre. If you’re a fresher and you’re reading this There’s loads of other albums, cds and prizes to be won at the freshers fayre and column for the first time, then you may be during October. wondering what on earth this GU2 thing is. Well, it can be a number of things: it can be a great source of union knowledge, with the most up to date information on what’s going on around campus; it can be a place to hear the latest music, way before it goes out on general release in the shops; but above all, it can be a great place to give something completely new a try. Chances are that you’ve never had the chance to work in radio before, but if you’ve ever fancied trying j-team.biz your hand at DJ-ing (whether mixing or radio- - j-team.biz style), producing adverts and jingles or reading the news, even if it’s not something you team plan to follow up as a career (I certainly have no plans to go into the radio profession later in life), then this might be the perfect chance for you. You don’t even have to do anything “On-Air” either. We also need people to help with the marketing of the station, designing the website and to help with planning and running competitions. If you think that this might be the perfect thing for you, or you have any questions, then we’ll be broadcasting live from the Union on Friday at Fresher’s Festival (just follow your ears to the Bottle Bank; it’s pretty hard to miss). There will also be an introduction evening on 3rd October, so if you J can’t come along to Fresher’s Festival, then come along to that. If you can’t make either of these two events then drop into the studio at any time. It’s underneath Battersea/Surrey Court reception. Either way, you’ll get to meet the GU2 crew and you can ask us any questions that you want (and we’ll try to answer them). You don’t even have to be a fresher to join. Whatever year you’re in, you too can be a part of GU2. Finally (and, I think, most importantly), I’d like to remind you that GU2 is a society, so it’s also a great place to make new friends.

words: judge mental and Mr Tea First things first. Hello and a huge welcome to every single fresher starting at Surrey! We are The J-Team and it is very likely that you will experience us at some point during your time here. It is in no way due to coincidence this week that the column refers to our frequently asked questions. It is purely to save you people the time! Quite soon, you will probably witness a the.net strange dancing phenomenon in the Union and will possibly wonder what it is all about. So bringing you the randomness from cyberspace without further ado, please enter: The J-Team – FAQ! What Is The J-Team? words: chris “funkyberry” hunter Very popular this one! Quite simply, The J-Team are a group of radio presenters who Many of you know that I have a little Lego man hanging on my operate on a regular basis on the university radio station, 1350am GU2. There are also over jeans. Well I was talking to him yesterday, and he told me about 100 honorary members. It must be said that the immediate members are incredibly like- a cool site (www.thereverend.com/brick_testament) where all minded and have a very good eye for harmless madness! his friends act out scenes from the Bible. There are many Lego What Type Of Music Do You Play? scene websites around, but out of all I have seen this is the most The founders Judge Mental and Mr. Tea have always had ears for the classics. That is why comprehensive and original and most professionally photographed The J-Team Classic always brings you the best music from the 60’s, 70’s, 80’s and early site of them all. My favourite is The Flood – inspired! 90’s. Catch the show every Thursday from 7pm! The J-Team also sport some other music Is work is getting you down? feeling tired and low? If yes to this, shows on GU2. However, these shows have yet to be confirmed for this year. Watch this then a trip to www.despair.com won’t help one bit. Even if space! you don’t purchase anything, then just go to read some of What Does The J Stand For? life’s more unhelpful observations. Featuring Mistakes: Easy this one; JANET. Older students may remember the ‘strange cardboard letter “It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve phenomenon’ back in late ’99. That was us. Janet was originally the name of a male coach as a warning to others”, Failure: “When your best just driver from Devon who Mr. Tea has the pleasure of seeing once a year. That is, however, isn’t good enough”, Defeat: “For every winner, there are the answer to an entirely different question! dozens of losers. Odds are you’re one of them”, and many more. Can I Get One Of Those Shirts / Hoodies? I happen to think that girls that wear Buffalo shoes rule! On Of course you can! Just see Mental, Tea or Jay for an order form and price list. We will www.buffalo-boots.com ‘s Online Store it has photos of every shoe they make. There are have an online ordering system on j-team.biz in the end, but not just yet! quite a few styles, but I still think that the Flame ones and the Chunky ones are the best. What Is All This Crazy Dancing About? I’m sooo not the person to talk about fashion and styles, I like what I think is cool – and The original concept of The J-Team Workout was to show the conformist dancer of the Buffalos are cool! Union that nobody has to be that way to have fun. ‘Working out’ or simply messing about For some reason most of my Year 8 & Year 9 lunchtimes were spent drawing Sonic with your mates is what visiting a Students Union is all about. We are just a little extreme the Hedgehog cartoons with my mate Adam. He then progressed onto drawing in expressing it! It is also true that the workout has gone on to promote The J-Team and Manga cartoons, and that is where the artistic GU2 effectively as well as raising cash for charity. quality of our drawings parted company. If Do You Practise Your Dance Moves? www.howtodrawmanga.com had existed back then, I have your say He he! No. For someone to join in with The J-Team in the first place, they must have may have been able to keep up with him. A large site a telepathic link with us which states: “Must Do Mad!” The J-Team are also simply including tutorials, galleries, and competitions. A incredibly naturally talented. The routines are made up 100% on the spot, usually led by a good site for any Manga fan. ‘caller’. Each move has a name, which is called by the caller, and all the dancers change P.S. if you have a pants PC, set your MS Word AutoSave feature to every 1 minute! moves simultaneously in time with the music. Join in sometime and see! The J-Team Classic will return to your 1350AM wireless on Thursday 26th September from 7pm. Be there for the re-launch of j-team.biz, the official J-Team website! 26 September 2002 INTERACTIVE 19

So the new interactive section is still may affectionately one day be known) Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? here, youll notice. The crossword is is still bloomin’ difficult. Not to worry, Everywhere you look (ok, so when I say everywhere I mean in and around the Chancellor’s still a littleSTILL big (which I’d likeHAVEN’T to say because theCHANGED answers can be found. You patio, but don’t pick me up on that) there seems to be half-filled WWTBAM’s on the floor, was on purpose so that you can make just have to look for them. I would give discarded after people have fought over whether the answer to the £32k question is c or d. as many mistakes as you like, though you a hint, but there is not enough room. Though it is nice that everyone is taking part in this interactive bit and seemingly enjoy- that would be a lie)WHAT and that the million THIS BIT SAYS ing themselves in general, I urge you to not fall out with your friends over it. After all, the ‘pound’ question on WWTBAM (as it [email protected] answers are on the next page (maybe) and there isn’t actually any money involved here. Come on everybody - play nice. Lyrics Quiz Lyrics Quiz Lyrics Quiz £100: the acorn is the fruit of which tree? a: elm | b: oak | c: beech | d: shoe There have been times when this very quiz that you are about to attempt has been accused of being too hard, too easy, too “pop”, too “rock” or too “non-alternative-country-fusion- £200: which word often follows ‘side’, ‘oil’ and ‘ear’? rock”. We here at barefacts have taken these criticisms on board, much like hitchhikers on a: drum | b: trap | c: car | d: double the motorway, and have thus now moved into second gear and are ready for the polite chit- chat. This week: b’s. £300: which city replaced Calcutta as India’s capital in 1912? a: delhi | b: bombay | c: colombo | d: madras 1. “As weeks went by It showed that she was not fine” 2. “It takes courage to enjoy it: the hardcore and the gentle” £500: which former Beatle narrated the TV adventures of Thomas the Tank Engine? 3. “I try to function as a normal human being” a: paul mccartney | b: john lennon | c: ringo starr | d: george harrison 4. “She left me roses by the stairs - surprises let me know she cares” 5. “I’d like to roll in the clover with you over and over” £1k: in the Old Testament, who was the twin brother of Jacob? 6. “I searched for form and land - for years and years I roamed” a: adam | b: esau | c: methuselah | d: jonah 7. “It might just be clear simple and plain: that’s just fine” 8. “If you’re poorly, I will send poetry” £2k: what is the American name for the group of stars known in Britain as the Plough? 9. “You know she wiggles like a glow worm” a: the merry-go-round | b: the big dipper | c: the rollercoaster | d: the helter 10. “I wrote to explain I’m your biggest fan” skelter

£4k: which year of the 20th century saw three different monarchs on the British throne? a: 1901 | b: 1910 | c: 1936 | d: 1952

£8k: who assassinated senator Robert Kennedy in 1968? WORD a: sirhan sirhan | b: lee harvey oswald | c: james earl ray | d: john wilkes booth You see - the ‘x’ stands for ‘cross’, as in crossword. It’s a little like Xmas = Christmas, only an ‘x’ isn’t Christ. £16k: which artistic movement was founded Hunt, Millais and Rossetti? X a: surrealist | b: arts and crafts | c: fauvist | d: pre-raphaelites

£32k: before becoming vice president of the USA, Al Gore was a senator for which state? a: alabama | b: mississippi | c: florida | d: tennessee

£64k: the game mah-jong takes its name from the Chinese word meaning what? a: sparrows | b: dragons | c: ribbons| d: goldfish

£125k: in which modern country is the region known in ancient times as Cappadocia”? a: greece | b: turkey | c: bulgaria | d: romania

£250k: who wrote the music of the German national anthem? a: josef haydn | b: richard wagner | c: johannes brahms | d: ludwig van beethoven

£500k: what name did the artist Michelangelo Merisi adopt? a: correggio | b: titian | c: botticelli | d: caravaggio

£1m: where did the golfer Tom Watson win his first British Open? a: carnoustie | b: muirfield | c: royal birkdale | d: turnberry

reader. Wannabe DJs will have a chance to strut their stuff in front of a panel of judges including BBC Radio One’s Lottie and other music industry professionals. Lottie will The University of Surrey will be hosting a also take to the decks to give union revellers regional heat for MixitMoto, a nationwide a night of class tunes. across down competition for wannabe DJ’s on DJs will be marked on originality, 1. strand [5] 1. tanning aid [7] Wednesday 30th October. The fourteen-date innovation, technical skill and ability to 4. improbable [4] 2. formerly [4] tour will land at the Students Union, where entertain the crowd. All winners will then 8. public transport vehicle [7] 3. adornment [13] one student will be able to prove they are go onto the final being held at a top London 9. fruit [5] 4. pudding ingredient [7] the daddy on the decks. Not only will one club where a fantastic package of prizes 10. of the mouth [4] 5. south american animal [5] lucky lad or lass win the accolade, NUS Ents can be won. For more information contact 11. allot [8] 6. rounds (colloq.) [4] are also providing barefacts with a motorola Shruti on 020 7490 0946 or 12. roughly [13] 7. bright [6] phone to give away as a prize for one lucky [email protected] 15. direct [8] 12. nonsensical [6] 17. musical work [4] 13. opening [7] closing date for entries is the 4th october. for pete’s sake, 20. religious teacher [5] 14. feat [7] pull your socks up and get an entry in. 21. envelop [7] 16. controvert [5] 22. eyelid swelling [4] 18. stalk [4] 23. belief [5] 19. examine closely [4]

this section of the newspaper is meant to be fun. i hope you like it. 20 STARS & PERSONALS 26 September 2002

There really is nothing like a shorn on the USSU Discussion board: http: ALMOST ACCURATE scrotum: it’s breathtaking, I //bb.ussu.co.uk suggest you try it. ASTROLOGY very much single words and predicting: rich watts Gerald the Grasshed looking for giraffe with GSOH and feline owner. WANTED: Hand to shake, contact Paul on [email protected] Virgo Pisces Bashfull - thanks for the Your shock and horror on I am the only one listening - of fry up the other morning, Personals Daddy, would you like finding out that Geri Haliwell that, you are quite right. But see you on the football some sausage? wants to adopt you will only when it comes to throwing pitch x be relieved by the knowledge of teh great sweetcorn at all the passers-by in the www.surrey.ac.uk/union/societies/ wealth and fortune you will inherit. I’m street shouting “try and digest that you Matt- 4 pints and a Vodka?, you need madsoc - see, musos can do webpages sorry to be the one to have to tell you this. intestinally weak creatures”, I think it is some serious training!! too! ;) safe to say that you are wrong. Concentrate instead on spreading an altogether more Richy Watts is get up! Lara - she can pull it, she can bop it, but Libra subtler prophesy. she can’t twist it!! Although pyjama tops were all Wahoolas! West Punjab! the rage as a child, your current Aries www.gilette.com bed-time wear is not altogether Omnipotent beings are in the What’s the difference between Sheep that fabulous (especially given that it has news this week, so best to and Hula Hoops? Dearest Adam, Hope the doctor lets you paddington bear on it and a large collection keep a low profile and make Sheep doesn’t need dip for IS to love out of the hospital soon - mine for hula of stains from your infant years). sure no-one suddenly becomes aware of him hoops and dip? S xxxx :) your various powers. An exmple of how Scorpio not to do this would be the case of you “I’M NOT AGRO! I’M JUST BUSY!” So G after a hardcore night of drinking An obsession with bic biros accidentally creating that earthquake in do you spit or swallow! Only your reached disaster point this week the Dudley area last week just because the temperature is rising on the snog-o- housemates have the answer! when you realise “biros” has an they had run out of beer at Roots. Not meter in basingstoke... anagram “boris” and you develop a strange exactly unnoticable that one, was it? An a tissue is the best snog around likening for tax-evading ex-champion earthquake is bad enough, but in Dudley? I’m glad i’ve got a job because i’m tired German tennis players. What’s more, C’mon - show a little thought here. of going to sleep during the day. sitting bymyself, yet again. tired yet you’ll take up table-tennis, mistakenly again. my bed is lonely. thinking it is the indoor equivalent of the Taurus www.go.on.go.on.go.on.go.on.go.on.shav game to which it owes part of its name. Just relax - stop looking at the e’emchops.com There really is nothing like a shorn door as if it was a pogo stick scrotum: it’s breathtaking, I suggest you and chill the hell out. Watching Friends is the king of unfunny US try it Sagittarius candles will aid this process. sitcoms! Your parents told you. Your Rawson 2 Andy - two girls in your teachers told you and, at points, Gemini Battersea Rawson 2&3 2002 - bring on room on the first night? You smooth your friends even mentioned it Your notoriety even at this the vodka jelly :o) operator!! now and again: randomly standing up in juncture is impressive, though public areas and attempting to do a one- if you insist on walking around Bald as a Penguin?... or should that be Jonah – worst mate fingered hand-stand is simply not possible. tescos barefooted, this is the least you Eagle? You would do well to actually listen to could have expected. Now that you know Scoot – worst mate these people who are fast running out of the floor in the chilled section is indeed perseverance pays little r suppliers of grapes. “chilled”, stop claiming that bacteria Chops – worst mate swarming all over the floor are the casue of Anyone who takes a week off placement Capricorn the slippiness in tescos - the store manager for Freshers’ Week must be a very www.immac.com Speaking of grapes, the national is getting a little tired of your stories. dirty old man. grape shortage will affect you Baileys – worsty worst mate greatly this week when visiting Cancer Handcuffs for sale - used once hours come around and you’ve forgotten to Sharing the same astrological big box little box cardboard fish – mr buy your grandma (whose hip-replacement sign as my mother could be www.itsallforagreatcausechops.com wrong strikes again operation will go well) anything to make a tiring business for you and her feel better. Remember that old people you need to be careful not to replicate the Hope you have a nice break from the pagey’s out this friday: it’ll be carnage aren’t really interested in silly bed-side usual sort of day the old dear has: a bowl city life M(ohammad)Alibu! treats - they simply want someone they can of alpen in the morning, a quick scoot i have met my life-long partner here at talk to for hours on end without so much around in the electric wheelchair followed wanted: one handbag after corner of UniS as a “yes” to let them know they are being by hydrotherapy and a piece of toast with room urinal confusion listened to. cottage cheese. (Incidentally, cottage alvin’s out this saturday: it’ll be carnage cheese isn’t actually from a cottage at all i can’t wait to meet the poodle - they make it in a factory, Your destiny for no-one’s coming back on thursday: hell the week os to make sure as many people as Booooo to lectures and labs clashing – it’ll be carnage Aquarius possible know about this...on behalf of the with sports fixtures on Wednesdays! You are doing well for manufacturers, it’s a little naughty, don’t Name and shame your departments www.ridtheworldofchops’chops.com predictions lately and this one you think? should come as no surprise: the sandwich down the back of the sofa Leo left to fill a small space, i find myself writing a little story. it concerns a vegetable we have is in fact yours - it’s the one your mum After years of zoological study met once before, a long time ago, who used to be lonely - wondering around market stalls, made for you with way too much butter. and careful consideration, food production factories and all the other usual vegetable hang-outs was his destiny. that Telling your housemates that there was too you’ve decided that what was a relatively long time ago, though (four months in human speak, seventeen years in much butter is not really a possibility as it separates us from the animals is a clever vegetable years) and our lonely turnip has become somewhat of a different proposition: he requires the full story relating back to your system of ditches and barriers. Make bounds happily along rows of growing vegetables; he gallops through vines of grapes and lunch-time preferences at junior school (the use of this discovery by discarding your hanging bananas; he greets the birds that used to torment him with cries of laughter and acorn collecting and the such-like) so best vegetarianism and boycotting McDonalds cheers of welcome. the cause of this change, as with all dramatic shifts infortune, is the avoid the subject altogether and inquire as for a reason other than “the lettuce they advent of a wonderful, graceful, elegant, funny carrot - a fine figure of a female vegetable to who’e pubes exactly are on the landing, use in their burgers could go along way to whose every word strokes lightly our heroes ear and whose every touch releases shivers because the last time you checked, you feeding chickens in poorer countries. Most that can only ever be attributed to love - total, unconditional love. that the greeks thought couodn’t recall having any ginger, curly- people tend to concentrate on the money- of agape, eros and all the other forms of that most hallowed of emotions is truly magnifi- haired housemates. making aspects of the place with the arches. cent, but for each variety to be encapsulated in just one vegetable: my, what a ucky turnip. 26 September 2002 21

Back again due to popular demand [?], Caught on Camera is back to point the finger at people who have been, well, caught on camera. May we take this opportunity to say once aught again that should your face be the one circled in any one of the pictures here, then you will be the proud owner of a free ticket to the Union for a FNO (the one after the week the paper comes out). Incidentally, neither of the last two week’s winners have bothered A coming forward and therefore can no longer C claim their prize. If M you are the one that is circled, it is free entry to the Union E on a Friday. I’d have thought that would be a decent enough prize R for you all. Remem- ber, if ever you have any pictures you want A included, then drop

them in to the barefacts Would you rather have the answers in the same week’s barefacts or the week after? Let us

office or e-mail them to laine” chasey of “ballad – Gang Bloodhound The know: 10. [email protected]” over “roll – Berry Chuck 9. kindness” human of “milkman – Bragg Billy 8. “glycerine” – Bush

[email protected] 4. Blink182 – “all the small things” 5. Blur – “clover over dover” 6. David Bowie – “man who sold the world” 7. 7. world” the sold who “man – Bowie David 6. dover” over “clover – Blur 5. things” small the “all – Blink182 4.

: 1. Ben Folds Five – “brick” 2. Bjork – “big time sensuality” 3. the Beta Band – “round the bend” bend” the “round – Band Beta the 3. sensuality” time “big – Bjork 2. “brick” – Five Folds Ben 1. : Quiz Lyrics

llama | 6. ammo | 7. cheery | 12. absurd | 13. orifice | 14. exploit | 16. rebut | 18. stem | 19. scan 19. | stem 18. | rebut 16. | exploit 14. | orifice 13. | absurd 12. | cheery 7. | ammo 6. | llama

1. sunlamp | 2. once | 3. embellishment | 4. tapioca | 5. 5. | tapioca 4. | embellishment 3. | once 2. | sunlamp 1. down: tenet 23. | stye 22. | enclose 21. | rabbi 20. | opus 17.

X 1. shore | 4. tall | 8. minicab | 9. peach | 10. oral | 11. allocate | 12. approximately | 15. straight | | straight 15. | approximately 12. | allocate 11. | oral 10. | peach 9. | minicab 8. | tall 4. | shore 1. across: :

ife After The Womb word

: a]. a]. : £1m [ d]; : £500k [ a]; : £250k [ b]; : £125k [ a]; : £64k [ d]; : £32k [

: d]; : £16k [ a]; : £8k [ c]; : £4k [ b]; : £2k [ b]; : £1k [ c]; : £500 [ a]; : £300 [ a]; : £200 [ b]; : £100 [ WWTBAM: words: rich w Answers Upside-Down To the potential criminalL there are a number of deterrents that could stop them actually wanting to perform their crime. A thief, for example, may decide not to burgle a house because of the presence a big red box on the side of it with a flashy blue light, suggesting that should its perimeters or boundaries be violated in any way whatsoever then a very loud noise (most likely to be classified as ‘deafening’) will make sure that everyone knows about it. In particular, the owners of the house. Though this works to dissuade your average opportunist criminal, the more serious miscreant will exercise, assuming they are half decent at what they do, a good deal of LADYMEAD premeditation. In the case of the aforementioned reprobate, therefore, a pair of pliers and some handy electrical ‘adjusting’ will more than likely be employed to settle the RETAIL PARK problem of the irritating alarm. Either that or a good old-fashioned hostage situation. The job of a killer, on the other hand, is a bit more complicated: first off, the police seem to think the taking of life to be a little more serious than the taking of a grandfather clock and hence make more effort in trying to catch someone who has committed murder; secondly, there is the choice of death – does one strangle, stab, shoot, hit over the head with a blunt object, drown, poison, suffocate, gas or run over to name but a few possible methods? The decision to be made regarding this aspect requires many weeks of thought before any crime can actually be planned and any WE ARE CURRENTLY SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC PEOPLE potential killer, therefore, needs to assess their preferred method of attack and likely (WHO MUST BE OVER 16) ability to perform the task before actually contemplating doing so. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, for every premeditating murderer, there is the dog-walker/jogger problem: no matter how well the crime has been planned, to work you can almost always guarantee that one dog-walker, somewhere (in the middle of nowhere, actually) will find the body of your victim. No matter how well hidden, FULL TIME | PART TIME | WEEKENDS | EVENINGS buried or wrapped the body, no matter how remote the location and no matter how bad the weather, there will always be one, seemingly innocent dog-walker that will turn up on the ten o’ clock news and in all of the daily newspapers with a story of “how they saw this funny shape/piece of disturbed land” that they found suspicious. * Hours to suit * Full Job Training Well, Life After the Womb would like to put it to you, the ever-faithful reader and * Free Meals * Management Opportunities the possibly-not-reading-this-police-constabularies that maybe it’s the dog-walkers and joggers we need to be turning to if people go missing and not your usual, slightly * Free Parking stereotyped, psycho-killer types with shaven heads and lazy eyes. It’s just a bit handy that it is this particular group of people who find the bodies all of the time, don’t you think, and that they are the ones walking in remote areas of woodland, far away from civilisation both late at night and early in the morning when no-one else, ever, is around? It’s slightly suspicious that they are the ones who hear the cries of £4.50 per hour terror that nobody else ever hears and that their ‘dogs’ were simply sniffing around off the beaten track when they made their fateful observation. It’s all just that little bit too convenient to be believable. The suggestion to the police, therefore, is this: arrest all members of the public who own dogs immediately, for they are more than likely to be murderers and hence very dangerous members of the public. Alternatively, it is recommended that all killers Call Kyle on [01483] 539822 0r [07904] 389413 choose dog-walkers as their intended victims and therefore guarantee the avoidance of capture due to a severe lack of evidence. 22 STUFF 26 September 2002 the surrey scoop Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched? Ever wake up on a Thursday morning and wonder if anyone saw what you got up to the night before? Or more importantly, wonder whether anyone will be able to remember? Well wonder no more! That’s right, you are not just paranoid, your worst nightmares are true! Forget Big Brother, this is The Final years Funkyberry (CIT) and Ickle Sarah (Music) give Surrey Scoop! The Surrey Scoop Investigators are out there among you, camouflaged into a random slice of campus life from their humble dwellings the background, watching your every move, whether at your best, but more often, at you within Battersea Court Rawson… worst! Our mission is clear… we are here to expose the truth of what is happening among FINALLY I’m a final year. How weird THE mission: to write about my first weeks the student population of Surrey. thinking I’m meant to be doing all this back on campus as a final year…. well, it’s words: a nonny mouse work, and in 9 months time I have to don certainly been crazy. I’d almost forgotten The all-seeing eye of The Surrey Scoop has been looking down on campus... and guess the silly hat and black cape. Its great being just how busy life on campus is, having lived what we’ve seen this week!! Well a certain Irish lad must have thought the year was off back at University, although I’ll really miles away (well, two) for the past couple to a pretty good start when he went home with an USSU barmaid. Little did he realise miss Newbury - the lovely town I had of years. Moving in was hectic, tiring, but that his actions would lead the barmaid to totally lose control of her bodily functions and the privilege of living in for the last year almost as exciting as when I moved onto spend the rest of their night of passion throwing up on the toilet floor! We hadn’t realised (sarcasm is so much harder in writing). campus for the first time three years ago. you were that bad! Well that’s one way to get the bed to yourself for the rest of the night! YAY! Back in lectures… although I overslept FROM day one it’s been a crazy whirlwind It seems that the hunt for first year nurses has already started among the door staff of the by 1.5hrs on the first day back, totally of lectures (only 6 a week - I am a muso union. Only one success story has been brought to light among the many failures! The most missing my first 9am lecture of the year! after all!), mad nights out (definitely notable failure being what should have been a legendary bet in the Union history. Pity it Guilty feeling descends, so I decide to make more than 6 each week), ‘quick drinks’ didn’t quite work out like that boys! Lets hope you have better luck with your next victim! up, and go to 2 module lectures I’m not even in Chancellors (every day but one since The success of the week was security’s own Mr Lover-Lover, and he actually managed to doing. Guilt gone, but kinda now feeling too arriving), and of course the several-hour- do quite well for himself for a change! Whoever knew that ‘jumping ship’ was one of your much negative guilt. Lucky for me, the next long late night phone calls on the good old duties on a Friday night. Well done to the wild animal who performed the first streak of the day the guilt equilibrium was restored when internal phones. I remember when they were year across the Union dance floor! Now everyone knows that the Union isn’t exactly the I forgot to go to the same module lecture first installed back in 1999, and none of the coldest place on a Wednesday night, so what’s your excuse going to be this time? again! novelty has rubbed off three years later. SATURDAY afternoons are for doing those MY friends and I still love to record ‘funny’ Please help us in our mission of exposing the gossip of Surrey by e-mailing anything to things that you put off every other day. I voicemail greetings (mine’s currently us at [email protected]. We are waiting for that all-important piece of juicy looked around my room for something to do, about an alien having sex with your gossip to report here! Be seeing you soon! and decided my cacti needed re-potting…. ear… don’t ask!) and the crank phone An hour later and I know why I haven’t calls to friends are back in force. On bothered to re-pot them since I got them - as Sunday Neil left three messages on Matt’s they bite! And it’s always the ones that look voicemail asking for the ‘chicken korma the least lethal that hurt the most! appreciation society’ before Matt finally JUST to make things clear, if anyone saw me realised it wasn’t a genuine wrong number! taking pictures of myself with 26 random DESPITE being supposedly ‘mature’ final gossip campus bins after the first Wednesday years, our sense of humour is undoubtedly night out, I wasn’t actually drunk. I don’t the same as when we started here all those DO alcohol, and as my friends would say, years ago. I just worry what the Freshers this is probably a good thing! (although thought of all of us when they arrived on when I used to drink I never did anything Sunday! unusual?). chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter ‘ickle sarah butterworth

University of Surrey Coaching in the Community

Coaching in the Community is a new initiative aimed at giving students the opportunity to gain experience and coaching qualifications, whilst helping the community through volunteering work

Contact: Denise Goodwin (VP Sports) Sports Office Union House Tel: (01483) 689981 #9981 Email: [email protected] 26 September 2002 SPORT 23 Canoe Club Welcome to UniSPORT 30th SEPTEMBER – 6th OCTOBER Voted most-improved club at the annual Colours Ball 2002 REE EEK th F W It’s our 30 birthday this year and we are looking for new members, everyone is welcome! For Student Clubs, Exercise and Dance Classes and Courses Whether you are a complete beginner or a real pro’, come and get wet with the Canoe Club! We train at a local (heated) swimming pool on Monday evenings, where you can learn how To encourage you all to make the most of the brilliant, unique opportunities in Sport Dance to get in and out of the boats, paddle in a straight line, roll, splash around, and have fun! Pool and Recreation at University of Surrey, you are all invited to ‘come and try it’ and club th sessions start on Monday 30 October; bring swimming gear (swimming costume / trunks, taster sessions FREE OF CHARGE for ONE WEEK! towel, shampoo, shower gel and a warm jumper for afters) and meet us at the student union at 6pm if you’re interested. We also, paddle on the River Wey on Wednesdays and Saturday Please understand that the teachers and coaches will be adapting their sessions to cope with afternoons (dates and times to be confirmed) and regularly go on trips around the UK. the demand and therefore demonstrations and class explanations will be the format for many of the popular activities. FORTHCOMING TRIPS FOR THIS SEMESTER: PLEASE ENSURE YOU BRING A CHANGE OF FOOTWEAT TO ALL activities in the • Saturday 12th October Fun Race Shalford to Guildford Sports Centre and University Hall venues! Especially for beginners, this is a fun day out for everyone, paddling on the Wey River, and stopping off at Scruffy Murphy’s along the way for drinks and a bite to eat. T-shirts will be available upon request, and a trophy will be awarded to the winner of the race. Do you want to be a sports secretary for Participants must enrol by 5th October and be able to swim 100m. For more information please contact Cathy at [email protected] your department or halls of residence? • Saturday 19th and Sunday 20th October The newly established University Sports League (USL) is now recruiting a team of sports Yalding Weir, Kent, Slalom Competition secretaries. This will involve giving a number of student’s the unique opportunity to achieve skills awards, and recognition as a sports volunteer – with further opportunities • Saturday 2nd November to gain umpiring and referee awards for FREE! All we need in return is a voluntary Nene Whitewater course commitment to help promote the USL within the campus. Each student selected will receive a number of incentives throughout the year to thank them for the commitment each • November (date to be confirmed) student gives. Annual Student Dee Tour; this is where Uni’s from around the UK join up for a massive Sports Secretaries will act as the main point of contact for student sport in either party, and a bit of paddling too! specific halls of residences or department within the University. The initiative is a great opportunity for student’s to develop valuable leadership skills and accreditation through the For more information please feel free to contact Captain: Cathy Marshall at ID programme, and a chance to meet a wide range of other student’s. [email protected] or Treasurer: Jenny Greensmith [email protected] The amount of work involved will be flexible, but will probably amount to less than two hours per week during the USL timetable. The tasks involved will include the following: Promoting sport within your halls and/or department, distributing information about the USL around campus, especially within your area, and finally recruiting the teams for the USL. A full induction and training programme will be given to help you with this, as well as staff on hand to help. If you are interested in being a sports secretary, please fill in the application form beneath and return it to Sally Edie or Dave Hitchcock, UniSPORT Centre, University of Surrey (you can leave it at the front desk within UniSPORT in an envelope stating FOA). All applicants will then be invited to an induction event on Friday 4th October 1pm in the Student’s Union. If you need more information in the meantime, please e-mail: [email protected]

www.unisport.co.uk 24 26 September 2002 SURREY PRIDE Cricket tour sabotaged by “English summer” weather

Blackpool, one of Britain’s most up for it seaside resorts By James Whitehurst seemed like a great place for a cricket tour. The plan was to leave Chancellors at 12 and arrive in Blackpool around 5.30. This is the point at which things started to go With ever increasing regularity rather drastically wrong. It soon became apparent certain of rain, we ventured out members of the team, Richard Chibisa, don’t operate on into Blackpool in search the same time as the rest of us. A quick pint turned into a of entertainment. The first full Sunday lunch, the start of the Grand Prix turned into port of call was the Pleasure the end of the Grand Prix and a 12pm meeting turned into a Beach, more specifically “The 3.30pm meeting. Finally the team arrived, less Clive who’s Big One”. All members of the small timing antics will result in suitable fineage at a later tour party, less three who shall date. We set out for 5 solid hours of less than competently remain nameless, braved the navigated motorway driving. After our small detour through highest roller coaster in the Birmingham and a complete inability to take the right UK and managed to retain the motorway exit we arrived at a rather wet Blackpool. It contents of their stomach in spite of the previous nights liver a kebab fest. became apparent we had overlooked one tiny detail, in the abuse. That evening provided an opportunity to sample one The final day provided a surprise form of entertainment, North of England in May it rains a lot! of the local discotheques. Flares, a seventies club, was duly drive-by waterpistoling. The exact details of which shall We had hoped to play 4 matches in the week, including selected by our cheese-loving captain and chairman “Tiny” remain a secret however I’m sure you get the idea. Still full some top club sides from the Lancashire league. In the end Tim. Several anthems (and drinks) later and we had control of seventies cheer we decided to track down a karaoke bar we got just one game, against Hindley Cricket club. The of the dance floor with Chibisa leading the way. Only and after a few jars the team knocked out a top draw rendition ground more closely resembled a swimming pool than a Ben and Knickers were left to prop up the bar with their of “The One and Only” a clear highlight of the tour. cricket pitch, but at least it wasn’t raining. In less than ideal desperate, but extremely funny, effort at trying to ‘team- All in all it was a great four days, a great reminder that rain conditions we didn’t cover ourselves in glory, but at least we steal’ the barmaid’s outfit. Unfortunately the attempt ended never stops play in the Cricket team. Cricket nets have won the ritual drinking game after the match! in a disappointing failure and resulted in the night ending in started again 5.30 – 7.30 every Sunday in the sports centre.

DISC AWARENESS... These two words may well persuade you The 1st Disc-Awareness Week chasing you down the pathway. Be warned. into thinking that Disc Awareness Week has So you can either try your very best to avoid been organised in order to give a group of By Susie Jenkins team is full of crazy people. If you thought the flying discs, if your personal safety is Frisbee fanatics the chance to promote their this, you would, in fact, be absolutely right. at all important to you. Or…if you can’t sport. a circular disc hurling towards you at a Oh, and by the way, when we say ‘duck,’ we beat them, join them! Come and join us on If you thought this you’d be wrong. considerable speed, followed by frantic don’t mean there is a frantically lost duck Sundays’ at midday in UniSport to learn how Very, in fact. shouts of ‘disc to do the following extremely useful things. Disc Awareness Week is more to do with up!’ ‘heads!,’ or Quicken your reflexes, so you can catch the avoiding the circular plastic discs that you for more amusing damn thing. Improve agility, so you can may see being hucked around the university effect, ‘go long!,’ jump out of the way. Learn the ins and outs on a daily, if not hourly basis, in between may make you of the Three-Pint Challenge. And become the lecture theatres, on the field opposite think that the members of the coolest club on campus. Natwest, anywhere in fact. The site of Ultimate Frisbee Join the Ultimate Frisbee Team if you dare. If you aren’t brave enough, then here’s a piece of advice. Duck. A guide to American football

The game is played by armour clad lunatics who appear By Dave Skinner grunting and groaning on the line of scrimmage. to derive pleasure out of beating each other senseless. The The Running Backs are on one hand very brave individuals game lasts an hour although rarely is the game completed in should give a good guide to their reasoning ability, however, or looking at it more sensibly, probably lacking a bit on top. less than less 2 1⁄2 hours. the fact that they are playing the sport in the first place would These guys can be given the ball for play after play, they run The idea is to get the ball from where you are to the other give cause to question their intelligence. for two or three yards and then the whole of the oppositions teams end zone as quickly as possible. You get four goes at Like all sports there are pretty boys, these players are defence jumps on them. moving the ball 10 yards. The goes are called downs. If you usually to be found in the glamour positions like Quarterback Linebackers are generally the sadists of the team. Inflicting get 10 yards you are allowed four more attempts, etc, etc, or Wide Receiver. This type of player is often seen on the pain is what they get off on! There is nothing they like better until you get the ball in their end zone. That sounds pretty sidelines combing his hair and generally making sure that he than blindsiding a ball carrier or better still a receiver – just easy doesn’t it? WRONG! The other team will not sit around looks good for the girls, or more importantly, the cameras! as the ball arrives in his hands. having cups of tea while you are running up and down like Kickers are a strange breed usually seen pacing up and a demented rhino. Yes you guessed it! They will be trying to THE COACHES down the sideline being a pain to everyone else, or spending pull your arms and legs off, especially your Quarterback. As The coaches are usually seen stomping up and down the their time pointlessly kicking a ball into a little net that is you will see, during the game, he will be trying to get rid of sideline shouting at people (frequently referees), or drawing two feet away. the funny shaped ball as fast as he can, by passing it to an diagrams on chalkboards. They are often inclined to bear unsuspecting running back or receiver who will immediately a baseball cap, as it is very convenient to throw on the THE REFEREES be surrounded by a screaming wall of defensive hitmen. ground when decisions go against them. Their mood can As with all sports, the referees are not the most popular be determined by the proximity (or otherwise) of team people on the field. Often called zebras in American Football THE PLAYERS members who are not actually on the field. (because of their uniforms) there does seem so many of them Many an eyebrow has been raised at the size of pro players at times! They carry little yellow dusters, which they throw in the NFL; however, the British scene is very different. THE PLAYING POSITIONS up in the air during nearly every play. The game then stops Spotting the British player that is 6’4”, fully fit, intelligent We have already mentioned the QB’s and WR’s, so lets have while they have a little conference to discuss the weather or and strong is near impossible though that is not to say that a look at some other playing positions. anything else that takes their fancy. they are non-existent. The linemen are the most basic on the field. The cavemen Well hopefully that has given you a basic idea of what is A quick look at the facial expression of most players of the team. Always on the large side and frequently heard going on in an American Football match.