NERVE HIT SQUAD! King Pin Nervous Response (A/K/A Editor-In-Chief) Bradley C

The Loco Issue MONTHLY AND FREE Vol. 3 No. 7 September 2002 Punk Rock Short Story Contest Winner 2002 Ron Jeremy The Makers Morning Maker SnowJam A MAG FOR FREEDOM’S SAKE! Danzig Big John Bates Good Riddance NNAASSTTYY OONN MMRR.. UUNNDDEERRHHIILLLL

TTHHEE RRUUMMOOUURRSS SSPPEEEEDD TTOO KKIILLLL

THE NERVE HIT SQUAD! King Pin Nervous Response (a/k/a Editor-In-Chief) Bradley C. Damsgaard Letters, Rants, Cussin’ ED’s Blurb The Getaway Driver (a/k/a Production Manager) nce.... a long time ago I discovered I was a reason- Ron Jeremy’s recent Vancouver visit had a behind him. As the store’s vibrant colours Pierre Lortie ably clever person with an average amount of talent, pretty big impact on many of us in Nerveland. illuminated Ron’s simple shape, we could see Right Hand Adler Floyd recorded a moment when the his eyes gazing into the dark sky. He stood (a/k/a Contributing Editor) Oa couple of good ideas and an above average Heather Watson amount of luck. I guess I was in the right place at the right cameras weren’t flashing... Ed. there, alone, without an expression on his Map and Details time. I suddenly found myself a somewhat famous young experienced face, just staring into nothing... (a/k/a Art Director) The one thing that I will never forget about maybe thinking of something or perhaps not. Saturnin artist. I felt I had earned it, paying my dues for weeks, even Father months as a relative unknown. A famous old artist said to that night happened right after the after party. Maybe he was saying to himself, “what the (a/k/a Visual Arts Editor) me that a famous old artist once said to him that “art is It was 3am, Cowboy Bob and I stood outside fuck am I doing?” Who knows, but at that Jason Ainsworth what you do between breakfast and dinner” the Templeton on Granville St. getting ready moment, what we saw was a man like you Shotgun (a/k/a Film Editor) Fuck you, famous old artist, I said. Fuck you and to call it a night. We noticed Ron about 25 and I, not a celebrity. A man that goes Elizabeth Nolan your famous old artist ideas about what art is and isn’t. I feet away leaning on a yellow sandwich through life one hour at a time without count- The Henchmen have art dripping out of my asshole, art spewing from my board that pimped the 24hr porn joint just ing his seconds. Adler Floyd (a/k/a Design & Graphics) Pierre Lortie, Saturnin, B. Damage armpits and spraying out of my dick, while you lounge Wise Guy around in your squishy middle-aged body and tell me to (a/k/a Illustrator) turn it on and off like a french fry machine. Art is what I Mike O breathe and shit and eat and how dare you say it can be an The Enforcer (a/k/a Copyeditor) “occupation”? Fuck you. Fuck you and your middle class Leather Twatson middle aged complacency towards your calling and your god given talents.... he famous old artist just smiled wisely The Muscle (a/k/a Staff Writers) at this 20 something pre-generation-X-post-pepsi-genera- Atomick Pete, A.D. MADGRAS, Mike tion know it all that was once me. O, Jeff Oliver, Elizabeth Nolan, addict, Art gave me everything. Art gave me a blowjob in Casey Bourque, Sinister Sam, Jason the back of a bar and free Jack Daniels and a stupid hair- Ainsworth, Leather Twatson, Adler Floyd, Aaronoid, Dmidtrui Otis, Jason cut... an ability to live outside of regular society, without Wertman, Bjorn Olson, Angela Fama starving to death. Art got me a table at Earl’s... and picked up the tab. Art made me smug and opinionated and reward- The Cleaner (a/k/a Cover Design) ed me for it... I’ve watched the art scene gasp for life. I’ve Saturnin seen the young artists with far more talent struggle to the surface of the pond, only to sink again, I’ve come to Advertising realise just how lucky I was then and have been ever since. (a/k/a Fire Insurance) Brad Damsgaard People pay me their hard-earned money for boards with cartoon characters painted on them. Explain that without using the phrase: dumb fucking luck. The Nerve is published MONTHLY by So what do I think of art? I think it’s a bullshit SEE INSIDE BACK The Nerve Magazine Ltd. The opinions game of craps with dice loaded by some chubby snake han- expressed by the writers and artists do not dler in a party dress and smeared lipstick somewhere, and I COVER necessarily reflect those of The Nerve thank my lucky stars each and every day that he’s loaded FOR Magazine or its editors. First publishing rights only are property of the Nerve them to come up double sixes. DETAILS! Magazine. The Nerve does not accept So, you may ask... is art really what you do responsibility for content in advertisements. between breakfast and dinner? ...only if you can afford to The Nerve reserves the right to refuse any advertisement or submission and accepts no eat, my friend. responsibility for unsolicited manuscripts xox or artwork... blah, balh, ablh. 12 Midnite

Copyright 2002 Really? Art gave you some head in the back of a bar? Jesus, I’m in the wrong racket. Fuck this shit, get me Office: some pencil crayons! Ed. 508 - 825 Granville St. Vancouver, B.C. V6Z 1K9 ED NOTE: Last issue, Casey Bourque did not write the Spitfire/Racket review. I don’t know who did, but it wasn’t Mail: her. Sorry Casey B.! The Nerve Magazine Ltd. Box 88042, China Town PO, Whole Lotta Zero VII Vancouver BC, Here are two simple steps to increased popularity- V6A 4A4 -Bathe more -Talk less. Cowboy Zero www.thenervemagazine.com

[email protected] [email protected] UNCENSORED 604-734-1611 viewer discretion advised, enjoy!

5 A Fork in the Path of Apathy … and a boot to the balls of Puil! If you do nothing else in your life Attorney General Stephen Rogers than a reali- planting the real needs of the Downtown The day before the election, November 15, I ty-impaired homunculus like putrid Puil. At Eastside (I want to see some Rastafarian as a member of the Vancouver civic urge you to phone all your friends and remi- least with Rogers we’d have a mayor that rides preachers in Oppenheimer Park – now there’s a electorate, make it this: eviscerate nisce about how long it took the scars on your a motorcycle (see page 6 in the Funarchist religion with a shitload more relevance to those George Puil in November. Ram the feet to heal (I still have marks from mine) dur- accessory catalogue)… I’m not naïve enough people, dontcha think?), if you don’t mind your ing the transit strike of 2001. Remind them to think Rogers will win (or even run) but what candidates sucking up to the malevolent most humiliating loss in history that not only is it their duty the next day to rip is clear to everyone is that Puil and mayor- cultists of $cientology (how could you, Nancy down the head of the Lollipop the power from Puil’s gnarled, megalomaniacal apparent Jennifer Clarke are just two ends of Chiavario! Shame!) then just stay home and Guild’s throat… and do it because claws, but what a joyous day it will be in the same old boy [network]… Puil obviously keep your head down and hope that when the Nerveland when our favourite political love being the end from which the poo comes. poo is hucked, it doesn’t bounce off the person it’s the right thing to do. How muffin, Brian Salmi gets to take his rightful (Jenny-wenny being the end from which the next to you. But remember what Edmund Satan’s little gardener managed to place at the council chambers in his South Park fucking over comes, as Mayor Owen is no Burke said: “all that is necessary for the tri- take a break from hurling poo at the t-shirt. And even if Puil disappears in an igno- doubt painfully aware). umph of evil is that good men do nothing.” citizenry and stain the ballot with What the fuck kind of electoral paralysis are we On a personal note, I’d like to say thanks his name is an absolute anathema in if we let a glad-hhanding sack of shit like to Mark Schultz for doing me a real solid to this little civixen. People, he when I needed it. Some people might not threw poo at you! And he laughed Georgie-bboy have even ten seconds more in a think a loan of $2 for the bus is a big position of power? deal, but when the person you’re meeting while doing it! So go right now to at the other end is the world’s most your calendar, put a HUGE circle minious cloud of twigs and sheep shit (or famous porn star, I’m here to tell you that’s $2 should I say ‘lawn fertilizer’), I am here to tell It’s up to you how much you want to know well-spent. You made some truly freaky digi- around November 16, 2002 (it’s a you that as a new resident of Kits Point myself, about the people that run your city. If you’re tal photos possible, so I owe you one, Markie. Saturday! No excuses!) and make I will hex his every doddering step in my okay with fucked-up Christian agendas sup- [email protected] a note for yourself that this is the neighbourhood (and I might even water his front walk when I know the overnight lows will day you exact a chode-blistering be dipping below zero). I have a voodoo doll revenge on the cretinous piece of and a book of curses from New Orleans and I garbage that fucked up your life am not afraid to use them. Black magic ain’t so black when it’s used to rid the village of the vil- (and mine, and that of countless lainous little troll that has been stinking up City seniors, students and small busi- Hall for lo these many moons. As a wise man ness owners) for 4 months last once said, “this town needs an enema.” summer and then “apologized” to 9-11, Stirring the Bullshit Stew Again way. They must go. The Taliban, founded by the What the fuck kind of electoral paralysis are CIA and instrumental ally in Washington’s quest you by flinging POO at your heads we in if we let a glad-handing sack of shit like It looks like the 9-11 bullshit stew is going to a to oppose USSR a few years ago, has somehow during a parade! Crush him, my Georgie-boy have even ten seconds more in a boil again. I never really liked the smell of that become an enemy that must by zapped from the position of power? I’d rather hand the reins of stew and could never digest such a distasteful planet, in the name of Good vs. Evil. More crap. pretties — I command you!!! pile of crap. As the first anniversary approaches But the GOD Mafia faces a problem. my city over to a former Socred like ex- the bird cage liners and other mainstream media Since America is a liberal democracy (to an outlets are increasingly talking about it. The extent), they require the support of enough of Province is asking people to send their memories their citizens to go around the globe and play of Sept. 11th. Well, I doubt they will publish it bullies. Since it’s not there, it must be fabricated. –they don’t like the truth…- but here’s mine. How? They need something huge and shocking. That morning I get up late, go for cof- Wow! How convenient. fee at the Blinding Light!! Café. As I enter I O.K. The Bush administration has notice that a CBC news broadcast has replaced found a lot of convenience in the events of Sept. the usual eclectic music. I overhear something 11th. It did garner popular support for the new about towers collapsing. Elizabeth, the radiant War on Terror. It also conveniently allowed them barista asks if I know what happened. I don’t. to get rid of a major obstacle, our basic rights and She tells me the story and concludes by saying freedom. Zap, they’re gone. Only for five years that, already at this point she believes that the they promise? From professional liars? I don’t Americans did it to themselves. I can not believe think so. Then they bring in crazy banana repub- her. lic antics such as secret military tribunals and As the time went by, it became appar- execution and jailing people they don’t like for ent that she was right. The facts are piling up as nothing. They are now going clinically insane in quickly as the towers’ debris. The truth is oozing their explanations of what causes terrorism… out through the cracks into the mainstream. such as smoking pot, painting your face and More people are skeptical and that’s because so other stuff that doesn’t make any sense at all. many glitches in the plot are blatant to the point They use the War on Terror as their little person- of being hilarious. We’re talking about huge mis- al war on everything they don’t like. takes that can’t be explained at all. Someone’s Everybody’s in on it; the CIA, the FBI, the DEA, gonna ask questions and the only plausible the Pentagon, as well as a bunch of completely answer would be “euh, I dunno, I think we balless wimps such as Canada and Britain. fucked up…” But before we get to the funny bloop- Their addiction makes them so eager to carry out ers part, we need to understand the background, their agenda that they tend to rush too much and at least a bit. Why would some leaders, pretend- butch the job. They incredible amount of mis- ing to represent America as the savior of the takes in 9-11 tells it all. Here’s a small fraction of world and the ambassador of democracy and the bloopers: freedom (pause and laugh here), recklessly -Who will come up with a plausible answer to organize or conveniently let organize the killing the fact that the impact was so intense that the of nearly three thousand of their own people? flight recorders disappeared (they’re indestructi- Well, it seems that those leaders –Bush, Cheney ble) but they fund one of the hijacker’s passports, and the rest of that clique- are absolutely insane- made of paper, amid the debris of the towers??? ly power mad and have an unquenchable thirst -For 50 minutes, while 4 planes were lost, they for money, big money, all the money in the somehow forgot to scramble fighter jets always fuckin’ world. And even then, that’s not enough, ready to do so as soon as a plane is high jacked. so they invent money that does not exist. Think And by the way, they also forgot to tell the Enron, the greatest corporate accounting scam of President. I guess he knew anyway… all times and, as we know now, only one -Why would a bunch of Pentagon officials hap- amongst many. And where is the biggest money pen to cancel all their travel plans, for security in the world? It’s in gold, oil and of course, the reasons, the day before? drug trade. Oh my God, the GOD Mafia! The -They didn’t give of fuck when Russian intelli- Bush clique, which from this point on I will refer gence notified the CIA that 25 terrorist pilots to as the GOD Mafia, can’t resist the smell and were specifically training for missions involving they must have it all… and they plan according- hijacked airliners. ly. They won’t tolerate any competition. If you - Odigo, an Israeli spying company, had an office get in the way, zap, you’re history. near the World Trade Towers and received a two Drugs or oil are everywhere. They hour advance warning of the impending attack enjoy South American cocaine, Asian opium and so that they could get the fuck outta there. Two oil. They found a huge oil reserve under the hours means the warning was sent before the Caspian Sea and a growing market for it in Asia. Hm! We must build a pipeline for it to get there but there are a couple potential obstacles in the see 9-11 on p. 11 6 PUNK ROCK SHORT STORY CONTEST WINNER!

Congrats! to Chris Walter, winner of our By now the staff knew that the girl with and Donna the Dead. “Come upstairs in a “So, how’s the mail order business first annual Punk Rock Short Story purple hair was not shoplifting, and had few minutes. I have to take a few pictures Dear Jeff, goin’?” he asked by way of pillow talk. Contest. Chris takes home a lovely ice even loosened up enough to joke with but then you can have the panties,” she When I get hot I think about sitting on Cheryl slipped on a pair of white silk cold keg of beer... and a BIG thanks to her: “Washing machine broke at your told them, deciding to keep only one pair your face and how good it would feel panties for a cum-filled custom order. all the submitters (note to the guy who house?” or “I know, you want a pair for for herself. The number of orders she to have your tongue up my bloody “Can’t complain,” she said, realizing it sent the balls between the ass while lying every day of the year!” Cheryl just received ensured that the majority of the hole. was her beer Derry had guzzled. “But face first on the floor pic... didn’t help smiled and went about her shopping. As work had to be farmed out. There was no Yours in heat, your booze-stealin’, dick-wipin’ ways ya, pal.) usual, most of her customers wanted shortage of gitch, but she had, alas but Nancy ain’t making me too happy. I’m gonna either white or black nylon bikini panties, one pussy. hafta send ya to the liquor store.” As far but there were also several specialty Jeff almost came. Looking closer, he saw as part-time boyfriends went, Derry was FLOWERS orders. Of six orders, three were for white In Red Deer, Jeff anxiously awaited the that the crotch of the panties was indeed cock on a codfish. by Chris Walter bikinis; one for black; with one large mailman. It had been two weeks and still bloodstained. His cock strained upwards, Loud shouting followed by a slamming white cotton brief and one red thong nothing. Trying hard not to panic, he harder than a Liberal budget cut. He door drifted up from below. Every good Business was blooming. Or to be more rounding out the pack. Quickly she downed the last of his Yoo Hoo and could barely contain his excitement as he party had at least one fight. precise, business was bloomers; used selected the items she needed and took squinted desperately down the road. He reached into the envelope and pulled out “Wonder who got the boot?” said Derry ones, that is. Cheryl used her website, them to the cash register. A bemused clerk knew he should be out plowing the back a Zip-Loc baggie. Inside the baggie were pulling back a Misfits flag and looking www.pantysniff.com to fill custom orders rang them up. 40, but he had convinced himself that it the delicious panties, which he slipped out into the front yard. “Hey, who’s this for previously-worn underwear and ship “Running low on underwear again?” would be okay to take a little break to over his head, fisting his cock frantically fool?” them all over the world. The way she she asked with a smirk. wait for the mail. Now, he sadly acknowl- as he did so. The rust-stained crotch was Cheryl joined him at the window. A looked at it, was if a buncha pervs want- “Something like that,” muttered edged, it was time to get back to work. directly in front of his nose, the coppery heavy-set middle-aged man with a ripped ed to pay good money for her crusty Cheryl. If this store wasn’t the cheapest “Are you still here, Jeffery?” called his scent of blood mixed with FDS filling his T-shirt and a baseball cap lumbered gitch, who was she to argue? After all, in she would shop somewhere else. mother from the kitchen. head. Unable to hold back any longer, he across the yard and got into a pickup Japan the pervs could buy smelly panties Back at the house, not much was hap- “Yes, Mother,” said Jeff, rising wearily fired a ropy blast onto the computer mon- truck. With a gnashing of gears, the truck from vending machines. It was a good pening. Derry had stopped by with a case from his chair. He picked up his empty itor, nearly hitting Nancy’s photograph rolled away. racket; simple, too. of beer and was already regretting it. bottle and went into the kitchen. His resting against it. The room spun as he “What the fuck was that all about?” Reading a computer printout of her lat- “Shit, don’t you fuckers have anything?” mother was preparing a small pot roast slumped forward, utterly drained. wondered Cheryl. est orders, Cheryl saw that her best cus- he asked, handing out yet another ciga- for the evening’s meal; tomato soup in a Minutes passed before he found the ener- “We might as well go see, we’re outta tomer, Jeff from Red Deer, had ordered rette. casserole dish with a chunk of beef and an gy to clean up. beer anyway,” said Derry searching the yet another pair of fragrant undies. This “Nope,” said Donna the Dead lighting onion. “Jeffery!” came his mother’s voice room wistfully. was the second pair this month, and it the smoke. “But I should have some cash “Have you given any thought as to from downstairs. The party was taking its toll on the seemed no sooner had she shipped Jeff soon. I think my roommate needs some what we were talking about?” she asked “Yes, Mother! I’m going out there in a house. Broken bottles littered the floor one order than he would place another. help.” without looking up. minute!” he shouted, dumping a handful and water trickled down the hallway from Was the horny slob eating them or what? Cheryl studied the printout and “Yes, Mother,” sighed Jeff. “But I of soggy Kleenex into the wastebasket. a broken toilet. Roid and Sam were all Shaking her head in wonder at the folly of frowned. There was a small problem. already told you, I’m not interested in But going back out to the field was the fired up from the tussle at the door. male obsession, she stuffed the printout “Any of you girls on the rag? I got a spe- Betty Lou, she’s just not my type. I wish last thing on his mind. The time had come “Some asshole just tried to push his way into the pocket of her leather jacket and cial order.” She waved the pair of white you would quit playing matchmaker. I’ll to put his plan into action. Taking a in here! We had to give him a few lumps headed down the stairs. Today, as any cotton briefs. get married when I’m darn good and packed suitcase from his closet, he to make him go away,” said Roid. He other, the living room was crowded with Stacy and Donna the Dead both shook ready.” He pulled his baseball cap down opened it and added the items from paused to dump beer down his throat. “He punk rock waifs and their stinky dogs, all their heads in the negative. “’Fraid not, further on his head and prepared to leave. Nancy’s package. His longing for the wanted to talk to some girl named Nancy. flat broke, hungry, and thirsty. The inqui- does this mean ya don’t need us?” Donna How could he tell his mother he liked ’em punk temptress was a wild beast clawing Who the fuck is Nancy?” sition began immediately: asked apprehensively. wild? at his chest; her panties were no longer Cheryl’s heart thumped alarmingly. “Gotta smoke, Cheryl?” “Oh, I can probably use you, but I wish “I just wish you could find somebody enough to satisfy him. Fortunately it had Only customers from the website knew “Hey, Cheryl, do ya still wanna buy my one a youse was on the rag . Now what already. You’re almost forty. By the time been simple to hack into her post office her as Nancy. “Beats the fuck outta me,” Operation Ivy EP?” am I gonna do?” said Cheryl. Her eyes your father was your age we had three and find out who had rented the box. He she said. “Cheryl, can I have that leftover slice scanned the room, resting in desperation children.” She chopped an onion. Chop, even knew Nancy’s real name, but even of pizza in the fridge?” on Derry’s scraped knee. “What did ya do chop, chop. more importantly, he knew where she The next day, the party was winding “Do ya wanna buy some weed?” to yer knee?” she asked. “I know, Mother, I know,” said Jeff lived. Picking up the suitcase, he went down. Other than three tweakers smoking Nothing ever changed. Welfare was on Derry glanced down at the fresh wound with one hand on the doorknob. down the stairs and out the back door to crystal in the kitchen and a small knot of Wednesday and all cops were assholes. visible through the hole in his jeans. “Aw, “By the way,” said his mother with his truck. His mother’s strident voice die-hards, armed with yet another big “Take the pizza,” said Cheryl. “And stick wiped out on my skateboard on the way teary onion eyes. “A package came for echoed in his head as he drove away: plastic jug of vodka cackling madly in the around, Stacy and Donna the Dead, I’m over. Stupid old lady stepped right in you yesterday. The mailman was late.” “Don’t be late for supper!” back yard, the show was over. Derry and going to the store, and I’ll need yer help front of me!” He scowled at the memory. Jeff stopped dead in his tracks. “A Cheryl sat numbly on the sofa working on when I get back.” She kicked a beer can Moving fast, Cheryl crossed the room package? Why didn’t you tell me yester- The party was in full swing and the punks a six-pack of wine coolers. from her path and left the punk house. and pressed the crotch of the panties day! I’ve been waiting for this!” were taking no prisoners. Toad, pissed to “Shit,” said Cheryl. “I haven’t even Outside on the street, her spirits lifted. tightly against Derry’s scrape, rubbed it His mother opened a drawer and passed the tits and unable to keep pace, crawled checked my website for three days. I’m The sun was shining today, and although briskly to encourage blood flow. him a bulky envelope. “I forgot, what’s away and tried to hide under a bed. His probably swamped with orders.” neighbours glowered fiercely at her, “Yowch!” shouted the wounded skater, the big deal? Are those the new seeds party mates rewarded his efforts by “How much you paying them skanks Cheryl did not allow them to sully her tearing Cheryl’s arm away. “What the we’ve been waiting for?” smearing his head with Neet and filling fer stinkin’ up them panties, anyway?” mood. Until she had started selling undies fuck do ya think yer doin’?” “No, something else,” mumbled Jeff as his pockets with cat shit. Sam said maybe pried Derry. He wished he was a girl so he on the net, she had been just as pathetic as “I need blood. Play yer cards right and he quickly untied his boots. This was a the cat shit was going a bit too far, but could get in on the action. He had pussy her roommates; subsisting on welfare I’ll buy the next case of beer.” matter that could not wait. Roid reminded him about the time Toad envy. cheques, small-time pot deals, and the Derry considered for a moment. The “That back 40 has to be plowed today!” had stapled him to the floor and left him “Those ‘skanks’ are my friends, you occasional act of larceny. Now her situa- case he had brought was almost gone. his mother called as he went up the stairs. for the police. Besides, there was a strict fuckin’––” tion had improved so much she was even “Okay, but I want at least four of ‘em.” Locked safely in his room, Jeff sat rule at the house: Don’t pass out with The phone rang, loud and shrill, like an considering moving out of the house. But Nobody was going to play him for a down at his computer desk and opened your boots on. angry teacher. she was in no hurry, and truth be told, she chump. the package with trembling fingers. The Upstairs, Derry and Cheryl were mak- “Jesus,” said Derry covering his ears. actually enjoyed her status as punk queen “Sure thing,” agreed Cheryl sopping up first thing he pulled from the envelope ing the animal with two backs. As “That phone is hurting my head!” of shit castle. Grinning as if she had just the blood she had coaxed to the surface. was a letter with a Polaroid photograph Oxymoron thundered up through the floor Cheryl located the phone under a pile talked her way onto Citizen Fish’s guest Considering she got $25 U.S. plus stapled to one corner. On the photograph, and rattled bottles on the table, they of empty beer cans. “Hello?” She spoke list, she flipped a loonie at a panhandler postage and handling for each pair of dis- a girl with purple hair and many tattoos grunted and heaved themselves over the for several moments then hung up. “That and entered the discount clothing store. count knickers, four beers was the least and piercings modeled a pair of white cot- top into orgasm. After resting briefly, The sales clerks nodded to Cheryl as she she could do. Satisfied the panties were ton briefs. Jeff inhaled sharply as his cock Derry wiped his cock on Cheryl’s sheets made her way to the lingerie department. sufficiently stained, she turned to Stacy began to swell. He read the letter: and slugged back a warm Lucky Lager. see Contest on p. 11

7 The Rumours

f you live in Vancouver and Do you feel you’ve received a lot of attention consider yourself a true fre- because of this? quenteur of the live rock ‘n’ Louise: Possibly. But I think we have a lot I of energy on stage because we have so much roll scene and claim not to have fun. That’s what most people mention to us, seen or heard of The Rumours not so much that we are girls, but that we look yet… you’re a liar! Vancouver’s like we are having such a good time on stage. newest all-girl rock ‘n’ roll incar- Kim: I think we fill a void, too. Something nation have played somewhere that Vancouver doesn’t have yet. around the Lower Mainland pretty Melissa: There aren’t any all-girl bands. I much every other week(end) since mean, there’s bands like Operation Makeout and Superchild, you know, a lot of girl/guy their first gig back in April of bands, but… 2002. It’s almost impossible NOT to have caught them recently Kim: There aren’t that many girl drummers. opening for your favourite local Janelle: Yeah, they’re hard to find. band. And if they haven’t, at the Louise: Especially cute ones. rate they’re going, they will be pretty damn soon. Anyway, this is Kim: And that’s all that matters! what they recently had to say for Nerve: Well, the singer from the Makers themselves. seemed pretty impressed with you. What did he say? Nerve: State your name and position. Melissa: You were fantabulous! (all laugh) Just Janelle: I play guitar. Louise: I sing. Kim: Those were some good jeans. Actually, Kim: Drums he was very well dressed. We don’t have Melissa: Bass. enough, cool… guys. There aren’t enough guy bands who just go all out like that. Most Nerve: You are obviously a new band to the of the Wet Coast guys are like, “give me my Vancouver scene. jeans and t- When did you start shirt…” writing? Nerve: So what’s next for The Rumours? Nerve: I think Louise: Technically, it’s the transi- Janelle and I started tion from the about 2 years ago. tail end of the Band: Action figures! grunge fash- Janelle: More like ion into the 4... a ‘born in the living room’ kind of thing. new… part glam rock, part old school rock But we only really became a band 6 months ‘n’ roll and punk fashions. People are paying ago, when Kim joined. attention to what they look like on stage again. Nerve: Where was the first gig? Kim: People go to see the live show, right…. Melissa: At the Cobalt, where many first gigs It’s not just about the music. are. Janelle: You need to entertain. Nerve: New bands often get compared to other bands right away. Who have people Kim: It’s about everything. About how you said you sound like? move, how you look.

All: No Doubt. (all laugh) Nerve: So what are some of your influences? Nerve: Really? Louise and Janelle: I think we’re all all over the place. Janelle: We hear the Runaways a lot. Melissa: For me, Blondie, The Runaways, Louise: One time I got “a female Danzig” Joan Jett. Nicki and The Corvettes. Nerve: There aren’t really that many all-girl bands in Vancouver, if any at all right now. see Rumours on p. 11 8 Speed to Kill

Nerve: All right, who am I talking to? Nerve: What else is on the agenda?

Jason Corbett: Singer and guitar player. Wes: Basically we’re gonna take the next few Wes Regan: I play bass. I also play Sega Dreamcast. months and promote the band. Shop the demo Rob Chursinoff: I’m the drummer. around. We’re really going to focus on letting people (Absent: Kelly Nordstrom, guitar) know about the band.

Nerve: The drummer. They always bring along the Nerve: What are you thoughts on the live scene in drummer. Jason, you and Wes used to play in the Vancouver right now? Saddlesores together. Jason: We definitely need more live venues, not to Rob: Wait a minute… I played a couple gigs with sound redundant, but I think that the number of live them. venues really reflects how much people want to go out to see a live band. There would be more venues Nerve: Did he? if people were going out to support [bands].

Jason: Yeah, he played a few shows. Nerve: What do you feel is the current direction right now? Nerve: You’ve all know each other for a while then? Wes: It looks like there is more activity. Better bands Rob: Jason and I went to high school together. are beginning to crop up. It’s different that it was a while ago. Not as much shtick music. Nerve: Ok, so how did Speed to Kill come to be? being a new band, doing shows with out any record- the arrangements and melodies together and I think Jason: The calibre of bands has really has really gone Jason: Well, Speed to Kill is what I’ve wanted to do ings, did you get people confused by that? Surprised? that is really important. up. in music since I was about 14, but never had the right situation. I was always playing with other people and Jason: I think once people see the show, they under- Nerve: What have you heard people compare your Wes: I noticed more of a cohesive dialogue between doing other things, and after being in the Saddlesores stand the name more. There’s more of a technical pre- band to? people in different scenes and genres of music… for a number of years, I got enough recording equip- cision that we practice towards, while still staying a bit more communication, more people out that you ment together to start writing more and I learned loose… so some people might suspect [we’re heavy Rob: Jason doesn’t like this one, but I’ve heard The wouldn’t have expected to see at a show. The scene everything I didn’t want to be with the Saddlesores as metal] but the name, after you see the band, kind of Cult, early Cult. seems to be getting better, but we do need more ven- well as things I wanted to do, so it was a good learn- falls away. ues. We lack a good medium-sized venue. ing experience with a positive and negative. So then, Jason: Maybe Cult Love, Cult Electric is a little too when I played my demos for Wes, he said he’d play Wes: After the first show that we played at the Pic, a AC/DC sounding, but Cult Love, where they were a Jason: I remember when I moved back here when I those songs with me and was going to leave the lot of people told me that it wasn’t what they were little more psychedelic… I can hear that a little more. was 19, the Town Pump (which is now Sonar) was Saddlesores, so I left the Saddlesores because [The expecting. But, they liked it. That was kind of the I like to look at us, in terms of song writing and pumpin’. There were lineups down the street. And Saddlesores] had kind of reached a plateau… then bottom line. then, when it closed, everyone was like, “aw, man, I Rob said he was interested in playing as well, and We definitely need more live venues... can’t believe it closed. I used to go there all the time, we’d known each other for a long time so I wanted to Rob: For the record, we don’t advo- it was so cool.” And sure, but did you forget the last make sure we had a group of people who really got cate speeding and killing people… but I think that the number of live two years where there were fuckin’ tumbleweeds along. venues really reflects how much peo- rolling through there and a bunch of hippie bands? Jason: Speak for yourself, Rob. (all Because no one was going there. Nerve: You guys played together in the Saddlesores laugh) ple want to go out to see a live band. for how long? Wes: I think the scene will inevitably build itself up Nerve: The current closer to your set There would be more venues if people when it’s ready. Wes: I played in the last two years of the Saddlesores. is a song called Speed to Kill. It’s were going out to support [bands] quite a dramatic song…. Nerve: Living or dead, your ultimate 3 band lineup. Nerve: So there’s a lot of stage experience together arrangements, as if Cheap Trick were around right Go. for you two. Is there a lot of difference now, playing Jason: It’s our heaviest song… and there’s an ele- now in their twenties like us, and were starting out in Speed to Kill as opposed to The Saddlesores? ment of — right now. We’re more along those lines. The lyrics Jason: Stooges, Ziggy Stardust-era David Bowie, are not so light-hearted, though. I just came through and Cheap Trick, around ’78. Jason: Well, the vision I started out with was that I Nerve: Could you play that song anywhere else in the a pretty serious breakup after about seven years. A lot wanted to get a bunch of guys together to play my set? of these songs were about my infidelities leading up Wes: Marvin Gaye, just before he died, late 70’s songs, but now it’s sort of flowering more and we’re to the break up and dealing with that and a lot of guilt. era… also, Cheap Trick,and Aphex Twin. taking on more of a group approach… to convey my Jason: I don’t think so… lyrics. Nerve: It’s been what, six months since the band has Rob: I’d like to see The Cure, The Police and Van Wes: No, because we usually end up smashing all been together? Halen from the first record era. Nerve: You are the main songwriter for the band? our gear and walking off the stage bleeding. Jason: Since about February. Jason: I would have liked to see the Clash as well, in Jason: Yeah, but we finish the songs together. More Rob: The rest of the set is ‘Gay Rock.’ the London Calling era. and more there’s more contribution by other members Rob: Our first show was April 11th. of the band… which is good. Collectively, we com- Wes: That’s a term Rob’s coined. Wes: WAIT! Revision here. Because Richard James bine all of our experience to be a better band. Wes: Thing are really steaming ahead. would probably just be playing an i-Mac on stage, I’m Jason: It used to be ‘Runway Rock n’ Roll,’ but switching my answer to Mötley Crüe… right around Nerve: What has the reaction been from your old we’re going all the way into ‘Gay Rock.’ Really, it’s Nerve: Are you recording anything right now? the time Live Wire was released. fans, to what you are doing now? a song about frustration, and somehow it conveys itself in the music and by the end of that song we usu- Jason: We just finished recording at Mushroom stu- A.D. MADGRAS Jason: Well, I really kind of scared at first, because I ally end up beating the hell out of ourselves. dios and partially on our own on a Mac. It was just didn’t know how people were going to take it… me mixed and will be mastered this week… 5 songs with being kind of [formerly] the focal point of a cowboy Wes: It’s a great release… a lot of the songs are a maybe a different edit of one of the songs. punk band… I thought a lot of people were going to really good release, but that one in particular… I don’t hate what I was doing, but so far the response has know… we plan not to record it. We went into the stu- been really good. People seem to be diggin’ the sin- dio and were thinking about it but we opted not too. cerity of the songs. They’re exposing a deeper side of me, that’s for sure, lyrically. Nerve: Who are your influences these days? Nerve: How did you decide on the name for the Jason: Well, Wes and I were just talking about this Band? earlier today, when we were on tour with the Saddlesores, [what] we were listening to… I really Jason: Speed to Kill was a… I’m heavily influenced like the new Dandy Warhols record — how they by David Lynch and Barry Gifford (who wrote Wild melded pop music with rock ‘n’ roll — they are real- at Heart, later turned into a film by David Lynch), and ly clever songs, but they still maintained a sense of there was a chapter in one of his books called ‘Speed integrity. I think Cheap Trick did that on their first to Kill.’ And every time I looked at it, it meant some- couple of albums as well. We listen to a lot of Queens thing different: time to kill, speed to kill, fast, the drug of the Stone Age… speed… it was a name I thought could mean different things to different people. Wes: The Clash.

Rob: And we sometimes race cars with each other Rob: David Bowie. Even though we may not sound when we are drunk. like those bands, their influence is in there.

Jason: I have a Mustang and he has an Isuzu Jason: I think that after playing in kind of a shtick Trooper, and he usually beats me… so that tells you band, it made me feel challenged to write songs that how talented a driver I am. (all laugh) could stand on their own as songs where people could say, “hey, I like that song.” Not because we were Nerve: Jason, you mentioned when we were talking wearing a cowboy hat and a sparkly outfit, but before that the name sounds like a metal band and, because that song moved them. We really work on

9 Good vs Evel / Evil Puzzle Page! Win HIS and HERS Nerve t-shirts ! The first person to drop off both completed puzzles wins. The Nerve Mag: 508 - 825 Granville St., Vancouver Hours: Mon-Fri 10am-5pm

Good vs Evel ACROSS

1. Planet’s path 6. Take back 10. Satan, rock music, etc. 14. Meat, e.g. 15. Mr. Knievel 16. Vulgar 17. With fat? 18. Bus charge 19. Pub pints 20. Aries 21. Bradley & O’Neill 22. Guy’s partner 23. Disgrace 25. _____ Depot 27. Melting clock painter 28. Child’s plaything 1. Bug spray name Experienced? 29. Upside down 2. Romeo Llama Alpha 45. Indian cuisine 31. “Don’t let stress make 3. Stabbed in the back 46. To do list you ____” 4. Arab religion 47. Required 34. Small river 5. Garden spice 51. Peelings 36. Cowboys’ expo 6. Allude 52. One of Booker T’s crew 37. Dined 7. Elude 53. Charisma 38 Roamed 8. Sweats 54. 4 x 100 mi. race 42. ICBC items 9. Bull ring cheer 59. South, North, East? Aliens Vs Predator 2: sometimes very tedious levels per character 44. Foe Primal Hunt with new weapons that lack in style, espe- 10 .Memorable time 60. D-cup, e.g 45. Lamp 11. Rude 62 Demure Developer: Third Law cially the new Predator energy flechette (a la 48. Simpson bartender machine gun), what the fuck? You know! 12. Morals 63. Before, in poetry Interactive 49. All ___ gig 13. “Naked Gun” Neilsen Publisher: Fox The remaining arsenal belongs to the 50. To be (Fr.) 23. Bethlehem beacon by: Dan Scum Interactive/Sierra Marine, but gun turrets and remote sentry 53. Angry guns were included, a little to late, I’d say. 24. Elton John’s milk? Platform: PC 55. Yankee zed 26. Metallica hit Also, the addition of dual handguns makes 56. Male pronoun Rating: Mature for a good idea and is fun for about 3 min- 27. Devil 57. Fem. pronoun 30. Weather cock Last Issue’s key Web: avp2.sierra.com utes. I’ll take my M41A please & thank you. 58. Finishes PH also features 3 new lame enemies that 32. Religious 60. Toker’s pipe groups Primal Hunt is the first and hopefully only belong in the Turok games; a rock monster, 61. _____In Chains 33. Only expansion pack to last years hit Aliens Vs bison type animal and a giant dildo with 64. Biblical garden 34. Holiest dis- Predator 2. I am a big fan of the teeth that pop out of the ground. Do you see 65. Took a horse tinction Aliens/Predator universe, but when I see a a pattern here? Everything in 3’s. I haven’t 66. T.O. 80’s metal band 35. China Creek rushed, below-par product that shouldn’t played PH online yet, but from what I know 67. Necronomicon demon sk8 team have been released, it pains me. For starters, about the Lithtech netcode, I can safely say 68. Misspelled tool? 39. Learn by the graphics have not been tweaked at all. that LAN games are fun but online can get a 69. Expression of disbelief heart AvP2 looked better. I have always liked the bit frustrating. I ripped this game a new ass- 40. _____& Lithtech grphx engine and have been sup- hole, and I did it out of love. I don’t like to Andy porting their products ever since Blood2, see half assed shit being dumped on fans, DOWN 41. Pigments but for some reason this engine is just too unless its Star Trek/Wars, they deserve to be 43. ____You happy-bright for this franchise, even the shat on! original AvP (Rebellion) had more creepy atmosphere. Anyway, apparently PH has a Eye Candy: 3.5 plot, must have missed it, was too busy jerk- Tunes: 3 GOOD VS EVIL WORDSEARCH ing off to Giger art. Gameplay: 2.5 angelic passion tainted Once again, you may choose from Chill Factor: 2.5 demon rapture poison 3 characters; Marine, Predator or the new Verdict: Primal Cunt is Hell corrupt truth gaysexual race known as Predalien, who’s not complimenting the good wanton integrity the dinkbag behind that one? Better yet, evil euphoria by: Elizabeth Nolan since when does Alien make sex with franchise at all, which is Heaven pure Predator? PH features 3 unimaginative and a fucking shame. seraphim fiend torture misery nightmare noble virtue wicked vice sin Lucifer divine altruism Satan blessed murder love orgasm celestial underworld Hades bliss depravity Nosferatu honour immoral hate 10 Rumours from p. 8 the scene used to be really good and Contest from p. 7 here, and if I see you again I’ll cut yer 9-11 from p. 6 how the Town Pump was like the balls off and shove them down yer throat. Louise: The Go Go’s. place to play, and how now, the was my mom, visiting from Victoria. Now git!” She shoved the stunned man planes that eventually crashed into scene totally sucks. But that was a She’ll be here in ten minutes. Shit!” backwards and slammed the door before the World Trade Towers had even left All: Jem and the Holograms! few months ago and now it seems Derry quickly stood up, grabbed the he could respond. “Maybe we should talk the ground! like it’s picking up a bit. There’s a last cooler, and stuck it in his pocket. “I upstairs, Mother, It’s cleaner up there,” -”It was proven that five of the names Nerve: Any plans to record anything new feel to it. just remembered I left some weed oil she said calmly. included in the FBI list had nothing to in the near future? cooking on the stove. I gotta go.” “Who was that, Dear?” asked her do with what happened,” Al-Faisal Kim: I think the big problem is that “Whatever,” said Cheryl. It wasn’t like mother on the way up the stairs. told the Arabic Press in Washington All: We’re always planning on it’s just hard to get people out to Derry would help the situation any by “Wrong address,” muttered Cheryl after meeting with U.S. President recording! support [live music] no matter how sticking around. She put out the word that going into her room. “Now, are you going George W. Bush at the White House. good you are or how hot you are… her mother was coming over, and within to tell me what this visit is really about?” A sixth identified hijacker is also minutes the house and yard were desert- She knew her mother had something up reported to still be alive in Tunisia, Janelle: It’s kinda been about tim- while a 7th named man died two years ing right now Nerve: Why do you think that is? ed. Relations between her and her mother her sleeve. were strained, with Cheryl wanting to tell Realizing she could stall no longer, the ago! the older woman to fuck off but still older woman sighed. “Very well, I want- -The 19 names of suspected hijackers Kim: We’ve just got so many shows Louise: I think that, for some rea- ed to see if I could convince you to move released by the FBI don’t even appear booked. We haven’t had any time. son, Vancouver is really clique-y. slightly afraid. After her father had run off, mom had run the family with an iron back to the island. Your lifestyle here is on the passenger lists of the hijacked scaring me––” She reached out and planes. Nerve: Melissa, you were a “Glam Melissa: And the scene is so small. hand and pity the poor fool who got in her - Bush and his cronies, realizing way. Now, with only half a warm cooler picked up a computer printout lying on Girl” in The Province a little while It’s like high school in a lot of the table, eyes quickly scanning the doc- they’ve hung themselves, are back- back. ways…. but a lot of bands are co- between her and reality, Cheryl felt like peddling furiously, claiming now that running herself. Mom was one scary lady. ument. Cheryl tried to tear the paper away mingling these days to create other but her mother held her at bay. while the warnings were sufficient to Melissa: I don’t want to talk about bands and it seems that bands are And here she came now, striding up the finger Osama bin Laden as the 9-11 sidewalk, all steel-haired, five-foot-ten of “What the hell are you doing, Mother! that. (others laugh) being a lot more supportive of each That paper is personal!” Cheryl was furi- villain, the warnings were simply far other. I mean, they’re all in the same her. too general in all other aspects to pre- She was wearing a familiar frown and ous. vent the attacks. Yet, Ari Fleischer’s Kim: So many people come into my boat, so why not? “What does ‘one pair cum-stained work and say, “hey, I saw your bass already Cheryl could imagine what she briefing after the attack claimed to would say when she saw the state of the white silk, mean?” The older woman have detailed and specific information player in The Province.” Nerve: So what’s next for The house. struggled to comprehend. “I thought you Rumours? regarding the targets. “Hello, Mother,” said Cheryl opening said you were selling flowers online!” -And the real movie blooper; those Melissa: Yeah, and weird men come the door. A shout from outside intruded. famous Bin Laden videos that are up to me and say, “hey, you’re All: Action figures! (all laugh) The matriarch looked around at the “I LOVE YOU, NANCY! COME mysteriously found once in a while Melissa, aren’t you?” (all laugh) destroyed house and sniffed the air dis- LIVE WITH ME AND I’LL BUY YOUR and are so badly done! Just take a Bin Nooo, why did I agree to that! She Kim: I’m up for getting famous and dainfully. “What in God’s name have you PANTIES EVERYDAY!” Laden photo and watch the video. was asking me all these shallow making a million or two. been doing? Just look at this place!” Cheryl gritted her teeth. “Just ignore Someone’s gotta fire the art director questions… THESE are the lengths I “Let’s not get into this right now,” him, Mother. He’s a kook!” because the nose is not even close. go to to promote my band. Janelle: I think, really, we’re just Cheryl said diplomatically. “Why don’t The old lady pushed her way to the This ain’t expansive Hollywood stuff. going to continue doing what we’re you tell me the reason for this surprise window and looked down into the front I bet that was made in a basement dis- Nerve: I usually catch the Glam doing and take it as it goes. We’ve visit?” yard. A chunky, middle-aged man hopped guised to look like a cave and done on Girl page but I must have missed done really well so far and people The older woman opened her mouth to about on the lawn like a primate in the a very low budget. Come on! If you that one. All right, something that I have been really supportive. protest, but before she could say anything zoo. He was naked except for a pair of try to cover up something that huge, at try to ask all the local bands I talk to there was a knock at the door. bloodstained panties he wore on his head least put some effort into it. The whole 9-11 bullshit is what their opinions are on the The Rumours (therumourson- Cheryl opened the door and saw it was like a cap. local scene. You know, where it’s the fool who had traced her from the web- “I LOVE YOU, NANCY!” screamed proves a very sad thing. The New been, what it’s gone through and, [email protected]) play The site. His eyes were bloodshot and he the kook. World Order ain’t pretty and it’s most importantly, where it is going. Royal with Flash Bastard and Cheryl slowly leaned forward until her gonna be around for the next little stunk of cheap whisky. “Nancy!” he while. A bunch of insane criminals Hotwire, Sept. 11th and Sept. blurted. “I love you! Come live with me, head made contact with the wall. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut. running the planet down the shitter. Melissa: I think right now it’s in a 21st at The Pic. with The Girls. we coul––” But they are definitely runner ups for kind of rebirth because, I mean, I Reaching out and seizing the bumpkin The website had seemed like such a good idea… the World’s Stupidest Criminals only started going to shows a few by the T-shirt, Cheryl vented the anger Awards. years ago, because I only turned 19 a she felt towards her mother. “Listen, I few years ago, so, I’m always hear- wouldn’t go with you if you were the last ing from my older friends about how man on earth. Now get the fuck outta

11 MR. UNDERHILL By Sarah Rowland or most people, turning 19 means looking wars on Granville St. and networking with big- be like ‘don’t play with the drums, whatever yourself ethic, getting people out to their shows forward to having their first legal drink. wig agents like Jonathan Simkin, they wrote you do. This guy will go nuts if he finds out was no easy feat. While winning over female FFor Robbie K and Anthony Kilz, it meant and recorded the critically acclaimed Phantasm you were playing on his drums.’ And so obvi- fans was never a problem, earning the respect being able to play in their older brother’s band, Drive-In, an album that Vind concurs is worthy ously, I’m going go do it, right? So I‘d sneak in of his male counterparts in Vancouver took a Mr. Underhill. of the media hype that’s reached as far as New there and play.” little longer. “I had always been following the York. With so little experience on drums, “I was so bitter at first. I would call band, using fake IDs to get in and see them “Yah, it’s good. It fucking is, man,” his older brothers had to take extra time teach- up all these bigger bands in town and nobody until I was old enough,” admits Kilz, who is the says Vind over a beer at the Pic. “Fuck, I don’t ing him their songs. However, Robbie K insists would call us back,” explains Vind. “We played baby brother. care what anybody says, man. I hate people in the advantages of keepin’ it in the family out- this fuckin’ show at the Royal Hotel with a Last November, Mr. Underhill parted these idiot bands that are like, ‘our band sucks’ weigh the setbacks of having to break in a bunch of glam bands and no one said a fuckin’ ways with their drummer, which happened to and they think that everybody’s supposed to rookie behind the kit. word to us. I tried to introduce myself and no be a month after Kilz’s 19th birthday. So natu- say that. And if you say that your band’s great “Its a lot easier to tell him to fuck off one cared.” rally he was in, completing the trio of brother- then you have a giant ego. I don’t have a giant and you never have to worry that you said the Nonetheless, they persevered and ly love. ego. I think my band’s fuckin’ rad and if I did- wrong thing,” says Robbie K. “Put it this way, kicked their promotion into high gear. “It’s like a solidified band; its like a n’t, then I’d be a moron to get on stage. You’d one day at a jam you could say ‘fuck you – Eventually things began to turn around for unit,’ explains Kilz about the advantages of have to have a giant ego to get on stage and you’re an asshole’ like 30 times and then be them, and people started paying attention to the performing on stage as a fraternity. “It’s kind suck and make everybody listen to your shitty like ‘o.k., you need a ride home?’” music as opposed to Vind’s celebrity status of like you know what the other guy is think- fuckin’ music.” Aside from being able to tell their among under-aged girls. They’ve been invited ing, more or less.” The cloaked one also has some very own flesh and blood where to go, there are to play at Naughty Camp, North Carolina’s Middle child, Robbie K, who strong opinions about how “super important” practical benefits to keeping Kilz around. Most Ghouls’ Night Out, and open for the U.K. Subs replaced Ryan Best on bass in 1999, recalls his band’s aesthetic image is: “There’s nothing importantly, when they feel the band is ready to “It’s weird. Maybe everyone was pestering Vind to be in Underhill: “I used to more annoying then watching guys in t-shirts go Stateside, there won’t be any immigration ready for what we were doing,” says Vind. always ask him ‘let me play, bass, let me play “All of sudden people got really excited fast.” bass.’ I had my own Faith No More-type band. Right now the band is working on And finally he was just like, ‘o.k. you can come "I don’t have a giant ego. I think my their fourth official album, entitled The World out’ and it worked out and ever since then I‘ve band’s fuckin’ rad and if I didn’t, Through X-ray Eyes. Vind is reluctant to call it been it.” a concept album, but he admits “it’s going to If you‘re not familiar with their old- then I’d be a moron to get on stage. be more like the Bauhaus album The Sky’s est brother Nim Vind by name, you probably Gone Out, where there’s all these different sec- know the lead singer and guitar player by face. You’d have to have a giant ego to get tions — interlude songs and normal songs — He’s a hard one to miss, towering over crowds, almost like you could watch a movie to it.” with Robert Smith hair, cloaked in floor length on stage and suck and make everybody This will be the first album since faux fur and always with a gaggle of young listen to your shitty fuckin’ music. they became a family act, and the idea of vamped girls flocked around him. According to spending endless hours in a studio and months Kilz, Vind is also the driving force behind and jeans get up on stage. It’s like ‘get some issues because (thanks to their mom), they all on the road together doesn‘t seem to scare them Vancouver’s hardest working vamp rock act. style or just get off.’ You go see a band like have dual citizenship. For now; however, as much as it should. “He’s totally got faith in what we’re Bauhaus and then you go see a band like the they’re confident that Vancouver is the best “My two brothers are my best doing,” says Kilz about Vind. “And he’s totally Tragically Hip, you’re just going to puke after. place for them. friends, honestly,” confesses Vind. “I would dead set on the direction he wants the band to And they’re supposed to be Canada’s band. I “Vancouver is a cool place and the rather hang out with them any day than any- go in. He’s always on the ball on how he wants live in Canada. That’s not my band.” scene is a good scene,” says Vind. “There are body else I know.” our band to come across.” And as a brother, he His band’s first show with Kilz was November people who do support music here and do go Although he concedes they have yet adds, “he’d be the first one to stand up for you 1, 2001 at the Cobalt. Kilz had only been play- out. You get these guys in bands who are like, to put their brotherly love to the ultimate test in any type of situation.” ing drums six months, but the instrument had ‘nobody comes to see our shows cause the and tour together for more than two weeks. But Kilz has good reason to put so much always been somewhat of a forbidden fruit for scene sucks.’ And it’s like, ‘Dude, people don’t they’re not worried… they‘ve been rehearsing trust in his sibling. Since returning from a six- him. come to see your shows because you suck. And their whole lives.“You think back to family month stint in LA in January 2001, where Mr. “When I was way younger, my you don’t poster and you don’t get out and push vacations, getting crammed in the parents’ car,” Underhill scored a slot opening up for Dee Dee brothers would always have people jamming your band. You’re too afraid to say ‘hey come says Kilz. “ You learn to deal with it that Ramone, Vind and Robbie K have worked tire- here and stuff,” says Kilz, who still lives at see our show.’” way...leave the bickering at home.” lessly at promoting the band. In between poster home with Robbie K. “And they would always Vind admits that despite their do-it-

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14 Nasty On: cITY sICK AND lOVING iT!

here always seems to be I people around, be they met friends, acquaintances, with T his what have you, who are just kinda Nasty there. You know the type: mild- On band-mates, I got a chance to harass him mannered, unassuming, usually later. on the scene but not really making Nasty On have definitely put in one. One day you see them in a their time gigging locally and rather than sit- different light, whether you’re ting idly hoping to get signed, they “put the (Lester Bangs) EP out on our own label ‘cuz really looking at them for the first we didn’t want “independent” next to our time or they’ve grown into them- name. You create a label name and then peo- selves and suddenly they’re total- ple take it a little more seriously” says Jason, referring to their Stutter Records venture, also ly HOT! I had this sort of revela- home to Notes from the Underground and The tion upon witnessing Vancouver’s Cinch (whose singer/guitarist Kathy is Nasty On @ Richard’s On Jason’s girlfriend, something he’s quite tick- led about!). In July, Nasty On released a full- Richards at The Spitfires’ CD length entitled “City Sick”, the title being “a release party for “Three” in April. microcosm for the downfall of society,” I’d watched them play innumer- according to the band. It’s a credit to Nasty On that they are able to touch on rather seri- able gigs, mostly as opening slot ous / depressing subject matter, without stalwarts & I’d always dug them, driving the listener to slit their wrists… yet it took this particular show to they entertain with their pain. Check out tracks like “The Ship That Died of make me truly appreciate them. I Shame,” “Amphetamine, Now!”, “City sensed a newfound confidence & Sick [C’mon, C’mon],” & “City Sick they never sounded bigger... Pt. 2” to catch my drift. To put it sim- ply, it’s a scorching rock album that has seeming to belie their 3 piece + been very well-received thus far & they vocals status. They were so much are grateful to have been compared heavier than I had remembered, with Slow, one of their fave rock acts of all time. hazardous & almost METAL at times. Although I baited Nasty On to complain about Vancouver’s rock I caught up with 3/4 of Nasty On scene, they all approve of the current before their first ever performance at the state and feel it’s on an upswing. The newly gig-friendly Pat’s Pub, luring them to only obstacle they face is a lack of the alley behind as the mic on my recorder funds, but remain weary of signing was picking up everything but their voices. with someone else’s label. “We’ve Several cop cars inched past us, curious of our been approached by shit but turned it goings-on since we were located under the down. We wouldn’t really talk to any- piercing gaze of a “John Watch” camera. I one who wasn’t wholeheartedly into quickly learned that the name ‘Nasty On’ the band, as opposed to a demographic doesn’t refer to a boner (as I’d always or market,” says Forrister. Jason adds, assumed), rather the origin is somewhat “just nowadays, man it doesn’t make any ambiguous. The inspiration “came from sense at all to sign to a major label. It’s one of two things: one is a book written on always better to do it yourself or to get a small torture in the 14th century. It could also label who actually gives a shit about you.” possibly be from an old blues song” informs singer Jason Grimmer. For the record, For most of September, Nasty On although he thought of the name, he HATES will be spreading their “City Sick”-ness by it, despite the fact that it has served them touring to Montreal and back, loaded up in well since their inception 3 years ago. Chad’s Get-a-Way van. I barely knew any of Typical of many Vancouver bands I’m them prior to the interview, but they certainly aware of, none of the Nasty On originate have a good rapport & all were really funny from here. Jason and quietly sexy bass — valuable assets while living in close quar- player Matt Lyons hail from St. Steven, New ters for an extended time. Hopefully these Brunswick, and guitarist Allen Forrister is traits will help them cope with Allen’s snoring native of North Battleford, Saskatchewan. and smelly ol’ Corey (ooops, I mean CHAD! Drummer Chad Mareels comes from the I called him Corey about 8x in the inter- comparatively cosmopolitan London, view…). Nasty On claim they “try to give Ontario, and although he was practicing you quality rock,” and so far they are manag- with his other band, Dog eat Dogma, while ing to do that and quite a lot more.

words and pics: Casey Cougar

15 16 Seventies Anthemic Rock, a little New York they’re making it mostly through their live show, Ramones song. It had the potential of being hor- The Makers Dolls and mix it up in some freaks from Spokane but nothing sounds worse live than rap music. rendous, but the kid was good. The only thing I w/ Hotwire and the and you apparently get yourself a damn good And no set amount of waving my hands in the air was wishing for was for someone to take the band. They whip up a little of everything pre- or saying ‘woah’ when he says ‘ho’ or whatever microphone away from their guitarist, Fletcher. Rumours eighties with really good songwriting and excel- can make me enjoy it. Next. Unwritten Law. Man he likes to talk and it’s just embarrassing. @ the Pic lent musicianship, then serve it up hot. Nothing Good band. Powerful poppy punk with enough Aside from the blathering though, these guys put August 14, 2002 NOT to like. High energy, high drama, high hooks and riffs to drag all the sorry asses out of on a pretty good show, which ended in utter chaos camp, high thrift rock wardrobe, high yeah! the beer gardens. Unfortunately, the pit became onstage as they let up a hundred kids with them to In case you ain’t heard, there’s a Rock & Roll Opening up were a couple of filled with the violent jockassery that is usually sing along and create what looked like every Revival going on, including hit singles and every- Vancouver outfits- the Stonesy Hotwire and the found at any Thunderbird Stadium show or any- security guard’s worst nightmare. thing! Electric guitars and Rock Star Posing are Runawaysy Rumours, both reasonably new to the place that gigantic Molson Canadian signs are Cowboy TexAss back and it’s like electronica never happened! scene in their current configurations, but stirring placed (here for instance). At least I got to see The Welfare office is full of DJs and Ecstasy ped- up some good word of mouth and both deserving bloodshed. If the meatheads weren’t too busy Nasty On of the aforementioned word of beating the crap out of each other and any punk w/ the Cinch The Makers mouth. kid dumb enough to try and dance though, they @ Pats Pub pic: Casey B The Rumours combine snot would have seen the sexy go-go girls that got on August24, 2002 and bubble gum in a way that is nei- stage for “Mean Girl”. I like go-go girls. I doubt ther grotesque nor foul tasting. anyone reading the Nerve cares how 50-40 were, Yes, Yes, there’s a new venue in town and it’s Catchy songs, charisma, Ronettes so I left after the girls finished chucking free con- down in Cracktown. Nothing like a jaunt down covers… why not? I’ve seen them a doms at the audience. East Hastings for some CHEAP DRINKS!!@! couple of times now and will go see Day 2 had a much more interesting Yeehaw! They got highballs there for like $2.50 them again. Hey- a ringing endorse- line-up. Peppersands played midday, before the or something stupidly cheap like that, and they ment! crowds (and myself) showed up. It’s a pity, cuz I serve them giant bottles of beer out of a booze- Hotwire were the pure 70’s keep hearing good stuff about them but never canish hole in the wall that can magically disap- Rawk- pronounced RAWK!- band seen ‘em. Got there just in time for the Dropkick pear if need be. Pat’s Pub is a relatively clean on the bill. They boogie, they woo- Murphys, who just fucking rocked. They have looking place too, for the neighbourhood, but I gie they sing about important stuff an amazing ability to get hundreds of kids singing don’t know if it’s really made for bands. The like chicks. What one imagines a bar along, even to “Amazing Grace”. Then they had stage is set up in a corner, hidden behind many band sounding like when one pon- a whole bunch of chubby girls get up on stage and many support beams. You couldn’t even tell there dlers, begging for a few scraps from cold bureau- ders the sound of bar bands. Third time seeing dance to “Spicy McHaggis’ Jig”, I missed the was a live band except for the crowd of people crats who can’t hear them because they’ve got the them and there will be a fourth so- see last sen- lyrics but maybe there was a reason for that. right up by the stage. It was the Cinch, opening Strokes cranked to ELEVEN on their DiscMen. tence of previous paragraph! It was a hot day, that Day 2 it was, and up for the Nasty On, as they kicked off their big A new Golden Age has been declared and it’s like This review’s intro aside, it’s good to we needed some ice cold beers. Unfortunately, tour. The Cinch have a very Mint Records kind ’92 all over again except more Stones and less see Rock Groups drawing a crowd. You know it every other asshole had the same idea and the of poprock sound to them. Slightly scrappy but Sabbath. Everywhere you look, people are swag- never stopped, right? The kids kept goin’, the line-ups for the beer gardens seemed endless. So melodic, this co-ed quintet are probably gonna do gering around in black leather and boots with bands kept comin’ and so it shall remain even we left, skipped the rap bands, and saw some well. Nearing the end of their set, Jason Grimmer greasy hair capped by beat-to-shit cowboy hats, after the Fox stops playing bands that sound kind naked ladies at the No. 5 instead. Got back just in from the Nasty On felt he had to crash their set silver necklaces swaying in time to the Wild of like the Buzzcocks, but aren’t the Buzzcocks. time to see Pennywise take the stage. The sound and join the lovely ladies on vocals. The bar clos- Turkey rhythms pumping out of a mile long line In real life, the radio will still suck, the print was really good for them, and their set sounded es early, so I guess he wanted to get as much stage of muscle cars! It has to be seen to be believed, media will move from flavour to flavour in it’s almost exactly like listening to one of their cds. time as possible. The Nasty On rocked out hard. people- all your years of waiting and hoping and own whimsical and capricious fashion and the As they charged into older tunes like “Unknown I saw them play quite a while ago and didn’t like moping and groping in a dark, heartless, sampled majority of people will still like total shit music. Road”, one of the biggest circle pits I’d ever seen them to start, but either they’ve gotten a whole lot world are over! Take a look outside- do it now, I The rest of us? formed in front of the stage. The grounds almost better or they’re catchy rock is growing on me. will wait- cos it’s a- happenin’ RIGHT NOW! Knives, needles, bullets, blood, rope, couldn’t contain the amount of people energized But they were great, despite being stuck in the Tired of hiding in the basement where razors, Heavy Metal and God. Highway to Hell! by their superfast skatepunk. They even yanked corner where no one could see them. You pretty no one can see you wear your black jean jacket Mike O some random kid up from the crowd to sing a much have to be right up there by the stage to see and Jack Daniels t-shirt, jerkin’ back and forth to anything at Pat’s, unfortunately. I wouldn’t get the sounds of Exile on Main Street? Your worry- too excited about seeing any shows there, unless ing days are over, friends- the dance clubs are SnowJam 2002 Science World they decide to move the stage, or knock down boarded up, Z95 and the Beat are OFF THE AIR some posts, but it’s a damn cool place to drink at! and the Fox is playing almost NOTHING but Saturday, August 24 Motorhead, AC/DC and the MC5! Some old Cowboy TexAss David Bowie, perhaps a little Spirit of ’77 Punk Another outdoor festival hit our town this sum- Rock, a smidge of Sympathy for the Devil. The mer. Yay. These guys managed to stuff a skate good times have been set to rolling again! The course, a snowboard vert ramp, bmx halfpipe, a other week in Mexico, Britney gave the FINGER stage and two beer gardens behind Science Agriculture Club in a last ditch effort to save her career- apparent- World. The snowboard thing was pretty cool. @ the Railway Club ly, the little girls are burning her in effigy all over They actually hauled in tons of snow and for July 26, 2002 the land while Joan Jett screams about not giving about 10 minutes watching the guys go down and a damn about her Bad Reputation. do tricks was interesting. But you can only watch There is something that feels so incredibly perfect Meanwhile, down at the Pic, the that shit for so long before you get bored enough about sitting around with your friends and drink- Makers swung through town to rock and also to to wander over to the merch tents. Luckily they ing a pitcher of beer while the Agriculture Club promote their new album: The Strangest Parade. weren’t selling a damn thing I wanted so I got to rock out. There’s an honesty and realness to They started out as a low fi garage band, but have keep my money. Not enough young girls country music that anyone can relate to. It’s com- mutated over time into the over the top Rock though.... Oh yeah, there was entertainment too. forting when you’re depressed and its always nice Extravaganza we know and love today. Leaving Day 1 saw the Rascalz onstage, and I to hear that someone else’s life stinks more than no Rockism unturned they swagger, gyrate, just don’t understand how Vancouver could breed yours. These guys take all that and mix it up with emote and pose up a storm. So I loved it. any kind of rap music, gangsta or non. I’m not Take some Ziggy Stardust Bowie, familiar with these guy’s stuff and supposedly BMX Action at Snowjam continued over

bananas. If you weren’t in a punk band, say, your arm got chopped off or 10 Questions: TIM something, what would you be doing instead? Shittiest gig? Living in Spain with some beautiful Senorita, getting hammered Member: Mike Rousseau Oshawa, ONT. – We played for the fucking sound man, and did- on the beach, and making kids. n’t even get one beer or money. What’s getting you excited these days? Thunderbay, ONT. – Tyler from Grynd can eat my shit. Top 3 people (anywhere) who should be shot immediately. Recording our new album in August. lead singer from Supertramp the dink the Americans call a president What is your latest fetish? Ronald McDonald ( go to a rave, you silly dressed turkey) The sun, and toasted cheese and lettuce sandwiches. The filler question: What do your parents think of you? What can’t you get out of your cd player? I play in a punk rock band and work part time at a heath My CD player doesn’t put out at all. food store. I’m sure they think the world of me…

Current favourite intoxicant? Your latest epiphany. Please, be graphic. Vodka and Hansen’s Energy Fruit Punch I am pretty lucky to live in a dysfunctional, yet free society. Shit, I can go to bar, eat a juicy cheeseburger, drink cold What was your most memorable gig? beer, and watch beautiful women get naked. How cool is Almost all the shows in northern BC always kick ass. that? Those kids just get bloody hammered and messed up pic: Ewan Forrest on pine needles and glue, come into the show and go

17 continued from p.17 mostly due to the 16-year-old lead singer, natter- scantily-clad bombshells gyrated and stripped in Soon, the One Big Fan (it’s okay - ing like PJ Harvey on Helium. She flipped her time, all as one cohesive unit of psychobilly mad- we’ve all been there) hit the dance floor, solo, and a bit of humour and riotous rock and roll. I mean, hair, chugged her beers, while the keyboardist ness. Big John Bates drew in the crowd, but the proceeded to sway his hips, making half-assed sure, their songs of livin on the farm, shooting and drummer busted into songs with choruses girls earned everyone’s attention: They blew fire, metal gestures in the air while clutching his beer their wives and going to jail may seem depressing like “Fuck, fuck, you fuck,” or “Crack boyfriend waved flaming batons, dressed up in vinyl cat bottle as though it were the neck of a guitar. Then to those who haven’t heard them, but they fuck- don’t come back.” They even have a tribute song suits with whips and had a cat fight. They even Kevin spotted soft-porn on one of the TVs, which ing rock and if you aren’t slappin yer knees like a to the Cobalt. dragged some poor girl out of the audience, became even more distracting than the fan with damn yokel and sloshing your beer when they All I have to say about Crystal Pistol is ripped her clothes off and smeared lipstick all an apparent case of Dancing Sickness. launch into “Cattle Ranch Girl” than you don’t that they need a bigger stage. I don’t say this as a over her face. Now that’s entertainment. Mr. I was stoked for Stoke, even if their know how to have a good time, alright. Country big fat fan or anything, I say this as in studded Bates brought out the big guns with some cool name is unfortunately timed - they should go for music is about the familiar, so it’s almost a neces- belts and all, they rocked so hard I almost peed covers, “Too Drunk to Fuck” by the Dead the whole Stoke and letter/number thing. Like sity that Country bands play covers. And the myself. Kennedys, a rockabilly “Tainted Love” and even Stoke69. The reviews I’d read about the local Agriculture Club deliver. They turned up the While Crystal Pistol seemed hard to an ACDC song, but it all became background band made them sound like the best live show tempo and hammered out some old Johnny beat, Morning Maker did not disappoint. Unlike noise while the Voodoo Dollz were performing. ever, but after the opening beach song number, I Cash, David Allen Coe (“Take This Job and the other bands of the night, these guys played no To even the score out though, their sexy stand-up was unsure. To be fair, high octane songs like Shove It”) and they even did a souped up version frills punk - although the lead singer can unleash bassist, Scaroline, came into the crowd and belly- Love Addict, and Hastings Express, showed true of “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” that total- some mean tambourine fury, especially with danced. Me and Ms. Dexter coulda sworn we grit potential. But when the lead singer said they ly blew my mind. Have I mentioned these guys screamer songs like the memorable “Rockstar.” were on a Tex and Dex night out. were a blues band from Burnaby, I became con- fucking rock live? This band was slightly less interactive In contrast, the opening act, Naked fused again. Burnaby? Blues? These guys looked Cowboy TexAss than the others, but seemed more focused on the and Shameless were not sexy girls taking their like a cowboy, a snowboarder, and a kick-ass task at hand; pressuring our insides to ooze out clothes off, in fact, they were about as exciting as drummer (who, by the way, stole the show.) our ear drums with the sheer velocity of their the guys who play covers at the Kings Head in Then one of the other TVs showed this relentless drums, discordant hooks and heavy Kitsilano. Two chubby guys with cowboy hats, vocals. playing acoustic covers of mostly bad radio If you want to spend money on live songs. Hats off to their rendition of the Real Spread Eagle bands in the city, and you’re unsure how to spend Mckenzies’ “Whiskey Heaven” though. it wisely, look out for any of the aforementioned Cowboy TexAss bands - especially the last two. They are guaran- teed to rock you out of your chair and lure you closer to the stage. Ferdinand the Bull Emily Kendy Piccadilly Pub Photos by Kevin Sarrazin August 16, 2002 Ferdinand the Bull keep it pretty simple: drums, a riffing guitar and a stand-up bass. They don’t Danzig mess around with any Stray Cats shit (rockabilly, @Commodore Ballroom psychobilly or any other billy) and sing mostly The Crystal Pistols July 29, 2002 about sad things. They’re from New York, kind of an urban cowboy thing. Waylon Jennings meets Morning Maker, The I’ve heard Glenn Danzig referred to as the Elvis the Black Heart Procession? Close enough. guy wrestling a crocodile and duct-taping its Presley of Heavy Metal. Maybe its his notoriety Their big, tough-looking singer (with a big, silly mouth shut. Ewoks, Crystal Pistol, or his vocal stylings which echo as a darkened mullet and cowboy boots) revealed his heart of Eventually, the lead singer of 80 Proof mockery of the King that invokes the compari- goo partway through the show when he asked the Yob - a mulleted cowboy in a “Squeal Like A The Dinks son, I don’t know, but he clearly is in the fat Vegas crowd to quiet down for an especially heart-tug- Pig” t-shirt - shuffled up on stage with his black- The Piccadilly show-lounge era, skipping the bad movies alto- ging song. It was at these moments that their lean carved cane sipping from a pitcher of beer. I Friday August 30, 2002 gether. Throughout the show, though, I kept approach was most effective, working up dirge- remarked on that admirable quality of musicians, So I found myself at the Pic. again. Go figure. thinking to myself gee, for a small man, Glenn like sounds to complement the somber lyrical who drank beer while they played (come on, it’s The only difference from last week is that I got Danzig has really big tits. Clawed black gloves tone. They had been touring for a while by the pretty hard core) and my roommate agreed, what I paid for. donned and flanked by two devilish stage gar- time they hit Vancouver, slightly road-weary from adding that it was “Just kinda sad when the beer The first band seemed so half-hazard, I goyles, Mr Danzig leaned forth and crooned several mishaps with their van and seemingly is draft.” Touché, my friend. wasn’t sure they’d make it through their first amidst a spectacle. For Elvis, it was the rhine- grateful for the response they got from the half- I wasn’t familiar with Yob’s back- song. But not only did The Dinks try to shake the stones and capes, for Danzig, it’s beating the crap filled Pic. They got into a few full-on rave-ups ground flag, and hesitant to agree with the four roof off, I almost heard the mortar rumble. They out of kids in the audience. Some kid gave late in the show, with the lead singer on the floor guitars; while it didn’t sound over done, it also tried hard; they tried so hard the lead singer Danzig the finger and he began posturing and bashing away at his bass like he meant it, but didn’t sound nearly as a raw as the guitarists in the seemed like a moot point, until he asked the staff shouting like a belligerent homeboy, “Yo bitch, these never quite reached critical mass. first band. Needless to say, the atmosphere took to heat up his microphone. you bait me? You gonna get your ass kicked Wallowing in misery is definitely FTB’s greater on that of a trailer park stag-party and their song During a break from one of their David Motherfucka, bitch, etc...” until the crowd threw strength. Cocaine Nose Bleed was a mild riot. Bowie songs-on-rock, a patron of the pub, sitting some random kid towards the stage like a human Paul Crowley I took a break to go flirt with the bar- behind me, said she loved the singer’s heels. The sacrifice, and Danzig dove at him and pounded tender (aka: order more beer) and when I got back only other time I saw the hot-pink stud that night, him in the face about a dozen times before the 80 Proof Yob, Stoke, to my seat, the lead singer was passing around his was when he was being led to the basement by a bouncers broke it up. Whether it was staged or 26er of Wild Turkey. One Big Fan drank half the heavy-set girl. not, I couldn’t tell, but the spectacle, not the per- Ghost Town Drive bottle in under thirty seconds. I tried to take a pic- The Dinks music is pretty original, formance, is what I’ll remember. He wasn’t bad, The Piccadilly Pub, ture but I was out of film. Ah well. Do they not covering songs from throughout August 24, 2002 say the road to Hell is paved with good inten- his 7 albums, the 14 year old tions? material from his self titled I’ll tell you something: I’d never been to the Pic, Emily Kendy release getting the best recep- and, even now - in the bleak and fuzzy early tion overall. Most of his newer morning hours - I remember little other than the songs sound the same though, sexy bartender (very distracting), and the neon- either punk metalish like the orange sign that was hanging on a back wall, Good Riddance Misfits Earth A.D. album or behind the make-shift stage, that said, “So You w/ Choke slow and crunchy. I did get to Want To Get Picked Up Tonight?” @ the Croation Cultural Centre hear him do “Mother” though, My thief roommate, Kevin, tagged August 25, 2002 despite the fact that he did a dis- along to the show and after the first few songs appointing, sloppy, sped up ver- from Ghost Town Drive, he wrote a slightly inco- All ages shows can be quite an eye opener. I real- sion. herent scribble in my notepad, something about ized how much I needed the little flask of Morning Maker Captain Sausage Sammy Davis Jr., and being lucky to be dead. I whiskey we’d snuck in. I needed the comfort of was like, “Hey, horse-snorter, if you’re mocking alcohol to have fun or to unwind. The alienating grungy guitars, spastic singer, Ms. Johnny Nasty Big John Bates the music, that’s a bit harsh, eh?” feeling of being among probably the 4 oldest peo- on drums cursing the cymbals. Pretty in Pink I thought the band was doing a fair job ple in the hall, not counting the bouncers or the couldn’t get off the floor, just rolled around on & The Voodoo Dollz of holding its own. The lead singer had a little bands, might have added to that, though. Having stage and tried to hump his guitarist while clouds w/ Naked and something something, and the bassist rocked - a drink in your hand at a show helps cuz it gives of bubbles unleashed their kitschy cuteness on to just this hairy, animated fat dude totally into play- you something to do, like holding it... and drink- the stage. Shameless ing, which was really quite refreshing. The gui- ing it... and if you don’t have a drink, you can The Ewoks are not only one of the few @the Railway Club tarist was a mod-kid, friendly with the ladies. always go and get one. But at an all ages show, female Vancouver bands, but strong enough to Cute too, even if he was the one leaving all there really is to do is stand around in the hall throw an attitude out to the crowd and not be Psychobilly surfrock and a burlesque go-go dance reminders of the chili the band had eaten for din- until the band plays and you realize that you’re mocked. They were awesome and hilarious. No troupe together, at last. A great combination. ner. Ass Shaker is a song worth remembering, and old. There’s a moment of nostalgia from the high guitar player (hey girls, give me a year!) but not While Big John Bates and Co. played their asses even Kevin was not immune as he soon became school days and then there’s the shameful urges that necessary for them at this point. Sparse sound off, delivering an excellent set of fast, driving smitten with the singer’s jeans (have I mentioned as you ogle the tarted up 15 yr old girls. And then of keyboards and drums wasn’t flat or boring, surf/rockabilly/whatever the heck it is, his duo of Kevin dries his clothes on the delicate cycle?) there’s the gym hall sound system. I have only

18 one Good Riddance song on tape, and my stereo were seeing a Ramone in the flesh. if there were only 50-100 people there. work he pulled off. CC didn’t play my request has this bad habit of fucking all my tapes up so So, to all the fanatical Fiends: the next Two bands cancelled: Serrated Scalpel for a song called “Gracias” which is the ‘special that they sound like they’re being played inside a time Jerry Only raises hell on a Vancouver stage from Winnipeg just didn’t show up and Agiel was thanks’ list from their second album put to music. garbage can with the lid being lifted on and off. without any of his original band mates, don’t there, but their guitar player got food poisoning. However, they did play a super fast and heavy Funny enough, the sound quality in the hall made think of it as losing a Misfit; think of it as gaining December ended up as the opening act and did a cover of “Jesus Saves” by Slayer to finish their them sound exactly the same. It was too bad a Ramone. fairly good job. Their first couple songs were a set, which I felt was a little too short. Oh , by the because they’re such a lyrically potent band. Sarah Rowland little tamer, but the set got more intense as it went way, my friend Bronwyn kept trying to get me to They played well though and hard enough that on. December sounded a little like Dillinger find an excuse to put her name in print, but of the half full hall filled with the intense heat of Escape Plan, but with more straight forward course that never worked out. dancing kids. I was sweating just standing at the Cephalic Carnage, grind/death metal riffs. My only complaint was Stefan Nevatie very back of the crowd. And as we left, an empty December that the majority of December’s vocals sounded beer can hit my foot and I felt good. @the Cobalt like Chaos A.D. era Sepultura. Otherwise, Cowboy TexAss Thursday Aug.29th December was tight, fast and fairly technical in a math rock/metal crossover sort of way. Cephalic Carnage headlined and were It’s kinda lame how rarely we get such shows in just a little more kick ass than December. CC mix The Misfits/ The Vancouver, and it’s too bad that Cephalic Carnage a lot of bizarre jazz style riffs in with super heavy aren’t as well known as Cannibal Corpse or Widows/ Spread Eagle grind/death riffs. Lots of weird time changes and something. The few grind/deathmetal shows we The Commodore Ballroom super technical drumming, John, CC’s drummer do get are generally awesome (like this one) even August 19, 2002 is probably a jazz guy, you can tell by the cymbal

Misfits puritans may have been put off by Jerry Only using the band’s name with only one origi- nal member remaining on the bill. But what’s in a name, anyway? It’s not like Misfits’ co-founder Only just threw together any old line-up and hit the road. Instead, he drew together a triumvirate of punk rock legends, including Dez Cadena from Black Flag on guitar and Marky Ramone on drums. The all-star cast treated the crowd to a collection of Misfit songs; ranging from the days of Danzig to American Psycho and beyond. “Sheena is a Punk Rocker” was one of the many Ramones songs they covered along with a Black Flag tune, “Rise Above.” Of course, all songs were dominated by Only’s distorted growling base line, which was met with mixed reviews— after all, one man’s shitty sound is another man’s vintage Misfits. Ticket holders, who bothered to get there for the opening bands, were twice rewarded with a foretaste of Vancouver rock. Local five- piece, The Widows, brought front man Billy Hopeless back to the stage that he hasn’t graced since The Black Halos split. Proving he’s still one of the most important people Vancouver’s punk rock scene, Hopeless looked right at home with his new gravity defying Mohawk, singing crude punk songs to and about the people at Victoria Square “because they’re human too.” Thrust in between the old school Widows and the aged Misfits, five cocky delin- quents from Mission called Spread Eagle rocked the Commodore stage as if they were headlining their own reunion tour. Lead guitarist, who goes by 8-ball, (he has the insignia on his Arsenio Hall leather jacket in case you forget) tore through searing solos with the kind of rock star attitude that should one day earn him a mountain top clip in a power ballad video. While “Blood, Coke and Sodomy” may not score the heavy thrash rockers a top forty hit anytime soon, the infectious chorus quickly won them the respect of the fickle Misfits’ fans. Lead singer, Juan Badmytha, who also fronts a Misfits cover band called Evilive, held his own in the rock star showmanship department, roaring out songs like “Bad Mutha”, which went a little something like this: “bad mutha fucker, bad mutha fucker, bad mutha...,” well you get the idea. Spread Eagle’s only downbeat was that with so much hard rockin’ testosterone force up front, the waif like creature behind the drum kit didn’t really fit in. A fact made even more obvi- ous after Marky Ramone beat his skins into sub- mission and made her 45 minute set look like a needle point demo. Still, you can bet that it won’t be long before Spread Eagle quickly rises through the ranks of Pic house bands. Or even better: they could reach the ultimate mark of success and end up in their very own decade long legal battle fighting over song rights. Dare to dream, guys! Even after two kick-ass opening acts, the three pioneers of PR did not disappoint. One highlight for this star-struck reviewer was when Marky Ramone came out from behind his kit in between encores and led the crowd in a “Hey Ho Let’s Go!” chant. That’s when the nearly sold out Ballroom united with the realization that they

19 A Midnite Choir despite the blatant lack of a hairy ape-man on their You Have Been Warned new CD’s cover, I still dig ‘em. Bonus points for Silent City Records covering an Operation Ivy song and not totally suck- ing in the process. Holly High Times. I think this band went on a Nordic Remote Control Joe acid trip and never returned. These glockenspiel plucked, accordion-tinted, contrabass fiddled songs Discharge create an anomaly of sound: if the bastard son of Tom S/T Waits ran away with the circus and became a drug- EMI/Sanctuary addled Ringleader, this music would sound like the inside of his head. No this is not Disclose, The Elvis-twanged, Drunken Elephant Disaffect, Distain, March is right on the mark, and Whisky Eyes is a Disrupt, Disfear, shiner, a black eye to be worn with pride. While the Disgust, Recharge or constant Led Zeppelin-esque ‘Voice of Authority’, any of the myriad of from the lead singer, can be a bit, er, grating, he’s also bands that cloned this fucking hilarious. This band makes Tenacious D seminal English seem as clever as a calculator. These dudes are Ween, Hardcore act from the 80’s. Take a closer look, my only less weenie. They’re pirates, son. Aygh Matey, friend, what we have here is the classic line up of “Heave Ho, it’s happy hour in Hell and we’re pullin’ Discharge featuring Cal on Vocals, Bones on Guitar, buckets of vermin from bottomless wells...” Rainy on bass and Tezz on Drums. This act created a Little compares to the sweet irony of these musical genre in itself which is now referred to as the ugly bastards tinkering around: like the accordion D-beat style. I’ve heard some people say that if there moves in ‘Midget Caravan’; or the organ in’ Ode to had not been this act we wouldn’t of had the whole My Employer’. Damn, they’re funny. You couldn’t crust/grind core style. But who could forget the major pay me to exchange this disc at Charlie’s. sell out this act became before their first demise in E. Kendy the mid 80’s? With Glam style hairdos and vocals so high pitched even Robert Plant could have been Ben Weasel given a run for his money. Which raises the question Fidatevi as to why they would release a new album in 2002. Lookout Records Back to their roots again the basic hard driving sound on this disc is comparable to such classic releases Ben Weasel (born Foster) has never released any- such as “Why” and “Never Again”, with a much thing not worth owning. Through every Screeching slicker production and metallic guitar sound hence Weasel line-up, break up, and resulting reunion, to the big time gap. The 11 songs here sound like they every band’s record he’s ever produced or appeared could have been written and laid down within the on (Teen Idols, The Eyeliners), everything has been a course of a day. That, along with the fact that this fucking gem when compared to the bullshit his com- could be an attempt at a big cash grab, doesn’t change patriots had been spewing. the fact that this record shreds beyond belief and That being said, this album may catch a sounds amazing! few fans off guard. Although the music and basic Aaronoid] song structure hardly strays from the standard Weasel formula, brace yourself when you open the CD’s end this week with knives accompanying booklet. demo Inner peace, anyone? Songs like ‘Truth and Beauty’ with the Penis…this makes me want to listen to the Bruisers lyrics “sometimes things are as good as they and beat emo kids up. Remember those asinine look…like a pure inhalation of life…like your smile” tent/sleeping bag combos your parents used to buy are the proverbial far cry from the lines “we hate your you for Christmas? The ones that had either Garfield poems/we hate your politics/we hate the way you or Barbie’s respectable trademarks emblazoned on smell” off of Screeching Weasel’s them? Well, these Tsawassen boys are still into that BoogadaBoogadaBoogada album. This is not neces- shit. Except theirs’ have pictures of sobbing scen- sarily a bad thing. If Ben’s found peace and content- esters at d.b.s shows. ment via Buddhism/Falun Dafa/whatever, bully for The “screaming shitty poetry over Iron him. He’s still capable of rocking like a mother- Maiden licks” act has been played out for quite some scratcher. time now. I’m tired of people referring to bands like Remote Control Joe this as ‘intelligent’ when they know damn well that the lyricist does no reading outside of other bands’ Cherry Valence lyric books. Riffin’ With a proper EP due out sometime soon, Estrus Records one must wonder if this demo gives the wrong impression. However, when confronted with the hor- Is The Cherry Valence latest CD, Riffin’ right for rid Andy Dixon/Jesse Gander style vocals, I think I’d you? That depends. Do you like quirky lyrics? Do rather wait until these young men break up and start you use the term “quirky lyrics?” Do you like ironic new bands before I put anymore money down for ballads full of bitter sweet meaning? their current one. If you answered yes to any of the above, Whitey Palais then no, TCV is not for you because Riffin’ is an unapologetic raunchy rock n’ roll CD that will only GusGus appeal to people to who live rock as oppose to ana- Attention lyze it.. Moonshine With two singers who alternate between drumming and vocal duties the five-piece from North Every day is Sunday, Carolina offer the listener a veritable tag-teaming every night is Saturday orgy for the ears. “Sweat, Sweat, Sweat [All Over night, except for You]”, sung by Nick Whitley in an “Emotional Thursdays. They are lit- Rescue” falsetto, is one of many boogie rock tunes tle Saturdays. (A recent on Riffin’that will make you want to pump, grind and posting on gusgus.com) strut your stuff on the dance floor. Where as “Can’t As a side note, the win- Get Enough” has a more vintage garage sound with ner of the Tom Sellek - moustache - contest has been Brian Quast stepping up to the mic with his gravelly announced. nicotine stained howl. No matter who‘s on lead This band will rock yer glowy club socks vocals, every song throbs with Paul Siler’s rock-solid off, as this communal collective of spaceage DJs and funk base line, making Riffin’ the Viagra of rock. other cerebral individuals spin frazzled waltzes with So for those who derive pleasure from beats saturated in a danceable power as vulnerable intellectualizing music into theoretical dust, look else and strong as an International Rave Against The where. But for those of you who like to party, dance, Machine. My roommate has since stollen the disk, get drunk and fuck, Riffin’ is an absolute must have. and when questioned said only this: “They’re one big Sarah Rowland fucking party!” I don’t think he plans on giving it back. Death Threat Attention is the band’s first product work- For God & Government ing in cahoots with Moonshine Records (sort of an Epitaph of electronica) but it’s nice to hear the mega- I may be going out on a limb here, but… Kokanee is deal hasn’t tainted their free-thinking, self-confident the kind of beer that doesn’t fuck around. Although stylings. This band is COOL. Organic, Iceland cool there’s nothing that really makes it any better than its though - foreign pale. Not like The Strokes’ seedy, competitors, there’s even less that makes it any boomer-brats pale. GusGus is playing in Vancouver worse. When you order it you know what you’re get- at - where else? - Sonar, September 15. ting; an intoxicating beverage that doesn’t, as E. Kendy opposed to certain other beers, taste too much like rat pee. And there’s a Sasquatch on the label. Death Threat are much the same. No frills hardcore that’ll fuck you up and produce violent ten- dencies if taken in large enough volumes. And 20 Guttermouth document of awesome noise that will never be played through their rotted teeth you will catch glimpses of Gusto live again. It is a rare and delectable treat for a band their brains and see that there is really nothing wrong The Fartz Epitaph to expose itself in such a manner, providing an irre- with them. They are people with regular feelings just Injustice versible window into their writing process. What like you and me. They are not robots. They are not Alternative Tentacles Holy fucking god- relief to hear something original. What immense thoughtless drones that are controlled by a fat bald damn shit mother- relief I feel, after so many months of listening to fuck who sits in his office in the sky and twiddles a A good three years after their reformation and a cou- fucking cock sucker- heaps and steaming mounds of packaged genre- joystick in his gooey palm. Real people they are. And ple of re-issues later, these west coast legends finally tash. This album is bound crap. real music this is. give a full length of new material. This release con- gold. It’s good to see a Buttsack Jack Seriously though, Sinners and Saints have tains all the elements one would come to expect: an band have fun and created a powerful work of modern rock that draws all out frantic grinding guitar attack and mid to fast these guys sound like Manifesto Jukebox influences from the Eighties (Guns n Roses), the paced drums all accompanied by Blaine’s agonizing they are having a blast. You got your straight ahead Remedy Nineties (Foo Fighters), and the present (over-pro- vocal style. The action is relentless with little to no punk rock, your honky tonk twangy songs, your BYO Records duced ultra-positive ploop). The best part of the time gaps between songs. Two thumbs up for this lounge lizard songs and yes, the humor to make you album is every time vocalist Rob or Mark Lind record jacket and inner sleeve which depict clever blush. If you liked any of the past five albums, you’ll When I first received (could be either one) shout/sings with a rasp that mockery of the right wing government and its adver- love this. Standouts are “My Girlfriend” and this disc I did not shreds the plastic membrane of chorus/delay/harmo- saries. Not since the mid-90’s release of Crime Pays “Lemon Water” 4.5 ripped asses out of 5 ripped know what to expect. ny making the rest of the CD sound like it hasn’t When Pigs Die has such a poignant and hard hitting asses. All I knew was the been unwrapped yet. album come out of the Washington State area. Listen DC label that put out the Buttsack Jack to this release and see how a bunch of aging farts can disc, and they usually lay waste to a big potion of macho mosh metal driv- Keepsake put out some damn Sixer el that is referred to as hardcore these days. Black dress in a b good stuff like Youth Brigade and Manic Hispanic. Beautiful * Trash Aaronoid movie So I took a chance on this one. Blend old Husker Du BYO Records keepsakeonline.com style with new Hot Water Music and you get three Finlandians who play with their hearts on their Beautiful * Trash is Various The first thing that I sleeves. Try something new I dare you. 3 ripped the first I’ve heard Class Pride World noticed about this CD asses out of 5 ripped asses. from Sixer, a band Wide 2 is the fine cover art. DC whose name is a pret- Insurgence Records Any sleeve that has a ty good indication of cute naked brunette Mu330 what you’ll get from This could possibly be lounging on a red Ultra Panic one of their albums: the best Canadian com- afghan wins my vote. After gazing at the chick, I Asian Man Records drink n’ roll street pilation to come out in plunked that bitch into my laser reader and was sur- punk. The first track opens to what sounds like the existence of the prised to hear this treat. “Today I stabbed your eye/ Social Distortion or Rancid covering Green Day’s Compact Disc. The You’ve never seen so clearly/ now go paint me a pic- Ska anyone? I’ll take “Longview”, and 9 more bouncy, gravely voiced, mighty Insurgence ture”. See, I would have added, “BITCH” to the end 3 please. Asian Man anthemic singalongs follow. Nothing on this disc Records from Toronto give us the 2nd volume in the of that line, but that’s just me. Anyway, from the first Records brings us yet really stands out, but nothing is all that bad about it Class Pride series. In this edition, we’re given 21 acts track it was quite obvious that these nerd rockers another excellent ska either. This album is as easy to like. from Canada, U.S.A, England Germany, Argentina, got’z it going on. Shane doesn’t yell his fucking way charged release from Cowboy TexAss Poland, Italy, Euskadi(?), Brazil, The Czech through these crisp cuts, which is nice for a change. Mu330. With the hook Republic, Germany, Sweden, France and Portugal. Keepsake shakes a good blend of melodic punk with up from Blue Meanies The Stag Reels The majority of these acts, at least to my knowledge, a bit of emo shiznit for that extra knock to the funny- own J.P.Camp III & Chaz Boyd, Mu330 don’t seem Dime a Dozen are fairly obscure and newly formed; with the excep- sack. Did I hear a synthesizer here? to fucking slow down on this album. Ultra Panic is Independent tion of old English die hards Angelic Upstarts and Adler Floyd full on rock, speed, punk, good time and trombone, Red Alert. The music is melodic, hard hitting street minus the dancing dinksmack. This independent punk with an anti racist and pro blue collar message Kitchens and I can safely fucking say that there is release from the artists so strong that not even the language barrier distracts Bathrooms enough ska here to fill our tall glasses from the musi- formerly known as from it. Utter A Sound cal keg. Chapter 3 stinks. It Having that, it is made impossible to pick any partic- Sonic Unyon Adler Floyd stinks of liquor and ular stand out…all the tracks here are brilliant! This sweaty leather cow- is a must have! This is music at its Punk-O-Rama Vol.7 boy boots. I guess Aaronoid most... reluctant. Epitaph some people’s olfacto- They should rename ry glands might not disagree with this combination of Reaching Forward themselves Lame Ah yes… it’s that smells as mine did, but this is my fucking review. Burning the Lies Duck. Or Self- time of year again, Front man Darcy Webb can sing well, but sometimes Bridge Nine Records Abasement. Sounds when all the labels I just wish he wouldn’t. The songs on this disc fea- like their parents are making them play. compile the very best ture tight riffs, rockin’ drumming, and good-enough NYC’s Reaching Forward chucks forth its second Unsurprisingly, the original guitarist in this of what they have to tunes, but it’s like a Jell-O shooter, y’know? Not full-length release entitled Burning the Lies, which Hamilton, Ontario trio has moved on to beat a dead offer and showcase all totally bad, but nothing fresh, dude. features fast, aggressive, spastic punk that changes horse of a different color - now playing in a Guns N’ the new found gems Jenni Talia tempos every four bars and generally fucks with your Roses tribute band. they want you to hear. internal clockwork. These straight edge punkers E.Kendy This is no exception. The Excessives know how to play their tools, and this time they’ve Seven years, seven compilations, most of these bands S/T got the production to back them up. With a sound Mammoth Volume people know (NOFX, Bad Religion, Pennywise). Longshot Records rivaling Metallica’s …And Justice For All, in terms The Early Years Epitaph just keeps pulling them out of the hat with of compressed tightness, Burning the Lies shits out The Music Cartel bands like Death by Stereo and Hot Water Music and If you’re into decent music far superior in texture to the sloppy flavorless Randy. A nineteen band compilation for a cheap old school Hardcore splatter expulsed by the average loose-boweled Here is a quote from price… you just can’t say no and if you do you’re an and live in Vancouver, punks. I highly recommend it. Daniel Gustafsson, idiot! 3.5 ripped asses out of 5 ripped asses. chances are you’ve guitar and keyboard DC seen this act at least Buttsack Jack player for Mammoth once and if not, well Volume: “It’s our shame on you! responsibility to put Sinners and Saints Originally hailing something meaningful The Sky is Falling from Victoria, this four piece plays a top notch old into music, otherwise people will think nothing of it Bridge Nine Records school style similar to such acts such as Dr. Know, in general.” The prospect of trawling through seven- Fang, Verbal Abuse, Poison Idea etc. There seems to ty minutes of this dorkified philosophy put to the test Sooner or later, this be resurgence in this genre lately and for good rea- filled my bowels with dread. Then I put the disk in, pseudo-driving radio son. On this brand new release, The Excessives give sat down, and what relief I felt when it came out and rock will vibrate your us 11 songs with not a bad one in the bunch. The first it all hung together. These Swedish stoner-prog-bun- tympanum whether 7 are brand new while the last 4 are remastered tracks glers know how to whip up a good stew of Sabbath- you like it or not. I from a few years back including the live crowd pleas- esque sludge with big smelly chunks of originality. would have preferred er, “Repeat Offender”. Highly recommended. The rangy vocals, provided by Jorgen Andersson, not, but it’s too late Aaronoid pay homage to Ozzy without stealing the old bat- for me. Besides, mil- muncher’s mojo. Even better, the last track, aptly lions will digest this ragged candy-coated music and titled “Studio Improv” is an eight and a half-minute love it. And when you see these consumers smiling,

21 straight 8

RETURN TO PORNO CHIC IV: Ron Jeremy Edition

Friday, August 30 for a living. about becoming a porn actor because Broadway was too competitive, peppered @ The Fox Theatre Ron Jeremy, who basically now makes a liv- with one-liners like “If I get wood the front ing making personal appearances relying on row’s in danger.” The crowd ate it up. Let’s face it- porn is fascinating. his distinctive shtick, a combination of Delve deep enough into it and you nudge-nudge Borscht belt humor and conver- The appeal of Ron Jeremy has been all-too sational career reflection, may be the first simplistically encapsulated (specifically by can lose yourself in its multi- porn star to go on the “lecture circuit” and Jeremy himself) that he is proof that any guy faceted hyper-sexuality and gen- still have good can get laid. In der politics. For those who strive things to say about To be in the same room with Ron order to continue to his business. He Jeremy was one step closer to under- sell Ron Jeremy to understand the phenomenon, it seemed immedi- (the commodity) becomes so much more than mere ately at ease with standing why exactly people fuck on this is the official cheap thrills. the crowd, taking camera for a living. line, but Ron the adulation in Jeremy would stride and cleverly, slowly working it never have had as much success as he has had to his advantage. I don’t know without naturally interacting with women how Ron Jeremy’s other Labour Day they way he does. Jeremy has sex appeal to weekend engagements went, but I women because he makes them feel like they doubt they had the same vibe as that are the immediate focus, because he will sim- of the Fox. Jeremy was immediate- ply divert his attention whenever a woman is ly at ease with the crowd- these were in his presence. Anyone who witnessed Ron his people. Jeremy in action after things had calmed down at the Fox could attest to this. The Porno Chic audience was treated Undoubtedly he has learned a few things to a selection of trailers from Ron about pleasing women over the years, but the Jeremy’s body of work, a ramshackle fact remains that he is a natural-born mack collection of increasingly surreal late daddy. 70’s/early 80’s smut with titles like Bjorn Olso SCANDALOUS SIMONE and BAD pics: Saturnin GIRLS. The hyper-sexualized world of porn never seems so evident then it does when watching a selec- tion of trailers, replete with all the money shots The Nerve’s own porn afficionado in resi- you can handle. Add that to the dence Dimidtrui Otis put together his fourth fact that most of the trailers had night of naughty shenanigans appropriately been cut and pasted within an housed in the charmingly grotty Fox Theatre inch of their lives and some even this past Labour Day weekend. Porno Chic- featured a few frames upside- Otis’ labour of love- promises and delivers a down and backwards for that chance for open-minded adults to revel in extra-surreal feeling, and you’ve their appreciation for porn, and while not got a visual experience that is as exactly a drunken pool party, there was rare as it is amusing. enough bare flesh and goofy double-enten- dres at PC4 to satiate. Many in attendance But it wouldn’t have been worth it were there to witness a live appearance of the if we hadn’t been treated to Ron world’s most famous male porn star, Mr. Ron Jeremy’s musings, which book- Jeremy, and as such embodied that certain ended the trailer sets. Jeremy appreciation. To be in the same room with threw out a wide array of thor- Ron Jeremy was one step closer to under- oughly entetaining anecdotes like standing why exactly people fuck on camera Ron Jeremy giving interviews

22 PAUL NASCHY / SPANISH HORROR / MY EGO IS TOO BIG FOR THIS PAGE

Cano. As I’ve written somewhere before, Spain is the birth- to smash all their faces in, H.G. Lewis-style. Some harsh shit place of some of the most messed-up entries into the genre film really comes out of nowhere. world. They kind of play out like a cheaper version of Italian rarities, but with just as much flair, gore, T & A and maybe even Werewolf and the Yeti (1975) Directed this time by Miguel more atmosphere (per capita). Ex-strong man competitor Paul Iglesias Bonns, Naschy plays his fave werewolf character, Naschy had always been a huge fan of the classic monsters Waldemar Daninsky, living up in the mountains. What better Frankenstein, the Mummy and the Werewolf. Thinking that time to go into a cave housing some vampire sluts who bite him the genres could be extended for his own entertainment and that into wolf form and bring about eventual journey and scrap with of others, he dominated the seventies with his obscure were- the Yeti. I have a soft spot for any film that takes place in the wolf, zombie, and mummy re-tellings which usually featured cold and snow — but add a werewolf, a Spanish-style Yeti, and him acting under his own direction, in makeup he applied him- a good flesh-peeling scene, and we’re rocking. self. He catered to the tastes of the Spanish horror fan by push- ing the envelope of Satanic rituals, werewolf blood mouth, and Werewolf vs. the Vampire Women (1970) Leon Klimovsky (an decapitated mannequins. amazing director in his own right) helmed this film that is a fave of many Naschy fans. Waldemar the werewolf is brought Some Naschy / Molina faves: back to life by two cemetery workers who remove the silver bullet in his chest, thus unleashing the beast upon the unsus- Horror Rises from the Tomb (1972) Most films Naschy has pecting people of some el creepo haunted forest. In his “off- written were either directed by himself or one of his buddies. In wolf “ time, Naschy’s character has no problem acquiring a this case, Carlos Aured took the reins, and it’s my fave in the Playboy mansion of sorts, only to find himself eventually pitted Naschy lineup. A 15th century knight gets his head chopped off against Patty Shepard (the Spanish Barbara Steele) as the vam- and hidden somewhere, while his female partner is killed by his pire woman. The scrap to end all scraps ensues. This film has side. As in Black Sunday, while they are being put to death, it all — the gore, the atmosphere (again), the T&A, and the they swear vengeance and are eventually unearthed by unsus- classic horror “angle” — making it one of Naschy’s master- pecting vacationers. Naschy’s satanic demon knight and his pieces of ideology. partner in crime Helga Line (one of my Eurotrash babe faves) engage in heavily atmospheric Satan worshipping, gore, and An amazing actor, writer and director (although from this list, lots of other very creepy events. Another cutey fave, Emma you wouldn’t believe he directed anything, but I swear he did) Cohen, makes a nice appearance as a plaything for a suave, who is a fixture in the horror world in Spain, but who only gets “Half-ass” is the word of the day. Horror films older version of Naschy’s character. half-ass attention from horror fans. BUT... when the Naschy fandom hits the fan — watch out! He is VERY popular in can be labeled half-ass by heavy AFI and BFI Return of the Zombies (1972) You’ll notice that this is from among people who can appreciate his unique feel for pure hor- critics alike, that is until they reach the point the same year as Horror. Naschy was not unlike Franco and ror. that Film Noir and Spaghetti Westerns are at was obsessively prolific when it came making his fucked visions come to life. This features Naschy as a grave-robbing Now, if only I could get MY half-ass in gear and not flake out right now (which is the point where teachers hunchback who takes a back seat to some very Hammerish on that Henry Silva “fest” I’ve been contemplating… and critics, having finally realized the value of zombies. Directed this time by Jose Luis Merino, this definite- the genre, start pretending they knew about it ly doesn’t put any kind of damper on the over-the-top Naschy Sinister Sam atmosphere of amazing ruins, caves and graveyards. The scene first). Most true blue horror, genre, and cult of the hanging woman at the start matches anything Graveyard film fans like to hang out and argue about shit. Of Horror might offer as far as the art of continu- I’ve had my share of mentally challenged argu- ity. ments — usually resulting in one party scream- Exorcism (1974) Directed by Juan Bosch, but ing at me, or me geeking out and screaming again with Naschy imagery all over it and killer back about the exciting points of Zombie Lake box art that made me have to grab this bad boy years ago at a Rogers sale. A hot chick (there’s or the Reincarnation of Isabel. One name that something about the ladies of Spain that is AMAZ- springs up again and again in horror film “talk” ING) turns into a freaky, possessed, rotting, foul- (but rarely in conversation amongst mouthed whore. Everyone had their take on the exorcist genre and Naschy is no exception. The Vancouverites) is writer / director Paul Naschy satanic shit gets pushed to the max, as do the (a/k/a Jacinto Molina). Whether the theme is a breasts and the sleaze. short-nosed werewolf who ages rapidly or con- Mummy’s Revenge (1973) Also directed by Carlos stant tit-mangling mixed with classic Spanish Aured, and yet again featuring Naschy as the titu- monsters — Naschy isn’t quite the most popu- lar monster who comes back from the dead to pur- lar... which makes him half-ass popular. sue virgins and Helga Line (which is really push- ing the original storyline), but with some nice Naschy-esque twists. One scene has the mummy Naschy is from Spain, home of directors like Jesus Franco, selecting females to partake of (blood let, whatev- Amando de Ossorio, Carlos Aured, Miguel Madrid and Manuel er) but they are unacceptable, so he then proceeds

23 Books and Zines by Leather the Librarian It’s Raining Men Wine Women & Song (Spring 2002 issue) By Jason Ainsworth Zine-o-rama! by Bob Prodor, Lowbuck Publishing [email protected] this is what they wrote on the float: “Rebel (Part One) Call these Floats? Yell”, across the side in an approved punk Bob Prodor is an artist whose illustrations have, in font. It’s enough to make you put your th Oh come on. Sunday, August 25 was the the past, adorned posters for SNFU, Circle Jerks and groin out to pasture. They were a disgrace annual Comics and Stories con- DOA, and can currently be seen promoting the Now, I thought it was the White Pride Day to every single thing ever created in the vention (a/k/a “Vancouver Comicon”) at the Heritage Empire Burlesque Follies (who were profiled in our Hall on Main Street, attended by some 350 fans, parade, but it was the Gay Day Pride entire history of Earth. They were the last Sex Issue this year). Bob is clearly a fan of boobies float for a reason. And after the last float artists and small publishers. In this edition of B&Z, (or, as one of his characters calls them, ‘”HYOOJ parade, but I figured, White is White. In the I’m reviewing some of the lighter fare the convention TEEYOTS”) his comic showcases them with rever- tradition of Vancouver journalism I headed came a huge tide of pedestrians, like a Nazi produced. In Part Two, coming next month, we’ll get ence. The drawings are simple but sexy (especially out to review the floats. Hey, I volunteered. death march. In the old days, huge floods of into the really sick shit, as well as the official com- the front and back covers, which are really quite peasants used to follow the British Army memorative Comicon digest, “Vancouver Special,” beautiful), and the funny, well-written dialogue is I got to Denman street, not quite late for scraps, trade and prostitution, and I’m featuring some of the artists listed here (like girl- natural, conversational and far above average. Like enough. The streets were “thonged” with assuming there’s some sort of connection friend’s Emily Shoichet), as well as others like Owen sod awf!, this mag isn’t specifically targeted at either provincial men, all “enjoying” a day out. here. Plummer, whose work has been reviewed in past edi- gender (in one frame a sassy female character rents tions of this column. Special thanks to Leonard gay male porn, and in the next frame, mister “hyooj All hoping to see ass… ass and lesbian Wong for his humour and hard work co-ordinating a teeyots” gets it on with two hot bar sluts) and whether breasts. They wanted to see the see homo- great event. it’s the Playboy centerfold spoof (complete with sexual guys play out the sordid fantasies of questionnaire and lame party jokes) or the loving suburban squares who want a whole bunch sod awf! caress of the artist’s pen across the curves of a realis- of dicks inside Half gays? I don’ t ever The Rebel Issue / The Notorious Issue (5 & 6) tically-proportioned female figure, this is a stylish yet want to know. I was there in my press hat, by Poison Ivy unpretentious comic mercifully devoid of that big- and I wanted to belittle the floats. I wanted c/o 9440 Glenacres Dr., Richmond BC, V7A 1Y7 eyed, pink-haired Japanime crap. God, I hate that to hurt the float-peoples’ feelings. I wanted What’s not to love about this rip-snortin’ lip- shit. smackin’ home brew served up in black and white by to really hurt them with words, hopefully an editrix who is so cute you could just spit? Solid girlfriend / girlfriend 2 until they cry like a bunch of disgraces. music & skateboarding features, uncluttered design by Emily Shoichet and witty features like the two-part series called Bent Comics (www.bentcomics.com) $2 each Like the marines, I hate drag queens when “Rock n’ Roll’s Bad Asses” (nothing more than col- [email protected] I’m sober, and there were so many drag lected photos of musicians’ denim and leather-clad More with the cuteness! Edgy, nasty cuteness, about queens there I don’t have a number big butts)… this is a kickin’ little ‘zine with both street pet mice that are disturbingly difficult to euthanize, enough to commincate it. I really don’t like This degrades us all cred and talent to spare. It’s not often you read some- chilling-but-true sightings of teen idol Corey Haim drag queens, but I volunteered, and have no thing and immediately want to befriend the person on a Toronto-bound train and the inconceivable bulk- responsible, but I reckon Miss Ivy could charm the right to complain about the fucking drag On the up-side, there were a lot of guys iness of vending machine maxi-pads (a/k/a “crotch walking around in these home-made gold assless chaps off a Dufferin go-go boy. (And, hey, pillows”). Definitely girlier than some of these other queens. Drag queen floats were generally Ivy… if you have any luck getting someone to take offerings (the artist does confess to a high-school unremarkable. crowns, which was neat, creative and you on a road trip to California, can I come too? Like crush on red-headed 80s crooner Rick Astley…oh, friendly. you, I don’t drive, but I am a dyed-in-the-wool funar- the horror!), this is a pleasant departure from the Unremarkable. There’s a word that will chist and I will swear a blood oath not to engage in phallocentric (and often gore-centric) nature of a lot come up frequently in this article, don’t you The National Gay Pilots Association made any farting whatsoever) I printed her contact address of modern comics. Loved the first issue’s tale of the fucking worry. a day of it, on foot with a sign. for a reason… pony up a stamp for this quality ‘zine “Psychic Goatee” and the acerbic description of a and you’ll get much more than your money’s worth. generic ‘boyfriend’ near the end of issue 2. At times This one wasn’t at the Comicon, but maybe it should The Canadian Unitarians for Social Justice wickedly funny, and at times frighteningly insightful made an appearance too, but frankly, I can’t be next year. (yes, Emily, that’s really the only word for it)… this girlfriend done good. see that crew frigging it up much in a back alley. There is a disturbing trend these days for bland, dull homosexuality. Worries me. In my day, faggotry was all about ten strangers’ dicks in your ass on any given day. Now it’s all army officers getting mar- ried for life to only one dude. It’s a cause Come on. Just fucking come on for concern. Anonymous blowjobs, please!

I’d like to make something clear. A mini- Gay Hockey players, gay square dancers, it van with a box on top is not a float. Never just became a wave of homosexual monoto- was, never will be. I don’t care if it’s paint- ny. This thing went on for hours! ed. It’s not a float. Maybe in Angola a mini- van with a box on top is a float. Good luck And then all those guys went home and to them. The government told me on the frigged all night. radio that Vancouver is a world-class city. So no more emboxed mini-vans, please. Assballs: Hey — good news, some guys Speaking of world-class city, Vancouver sent in a thing that said about their art show, once a gain earned its right to that mantle and I think you should all go. I would by having a bunch of pudgy weirdo ass- never, ever send you readers to a sissy art holes walking in front of the crowds yelling show. My word is my bond. And say what at people to stay back off the road. No one you want about Assballs, fucked if I under- was trying to get on the road. The road was stood a word of it, but it was one-hundred full of mini-vans with boxes on top. and-seventy-five-percent not sissy. It was a Everyone was happy standing next to the lot of drawings. Not sissy. It’s at that Whip road, in traditional parade manner. place in the back of beyond until September something. Hats off to For fucks sake, this is the Assballs guys and Canada… you don’t ladies. Speaking of have to employ unem- sissies, I saw a doozy ployables to yell at the other day walking people to stay off a into Staples. Man was a road no-one wants to disgrace. Minced in, get on. Did they fear a bought a glue-gun, great rush of latent minced out like he was gays mothering the fag- Jesus Christ himself. gots and stealing their leather slacks? Maybe In conclusion, I would in Angola parades need like to maintain that the armed guards. Have you Just fucking come on gay pride day was a load seen those Leather Guys? Jesus Christ — a of Rubbish, but the Assballs were manly. lot more frightening than some Surrey boy And, holy Christ, I went out the other day to with a bag of doorknobs. buy a straw boater hat, a simple elegant straw boater, and the fucking thing cost Near the end, this abominably stupid float one-hundred and fifty bucks! How do the came by with a screech of goth fags and sissies afford it? dykes on it, trying and failing to “dance” alluringly to “music”, and God help me,

24 Ridin’ Shotgun

music and the look would also fol- low to have one of the most memo- rable hotrods in town. My personal memorable sighting I will henceforth share: It occured while I was slugging away at my “how would you like your eggs?” (greasy) dayjob and there seemed a cummotion across the street. Without giving undue ego boosts for a blast from the past re- “The Road Kutters”, his hot rod showing off all his hard earned created, I have to say I was back in gang. His dad was a big hotrod fan, elbow grease at local car shows, he’s time. There was Reece, stopped by teaching Reece to drive on a V8 down at the Mission track racing it as the cops at a red light, in this beast of Dunebuggy ( the lucky bugger). this “precious” baby isn’t afraid to go a shining hot rod, with his Tracy When Reece is not working on his fast or get dirty. Lords look alike burlesque dancer car over the weekend, or hanging out girlfriend Nikki snapping gum and at the Marine Club, or watching his Pics and Words: Angela Fama must say that though I love the Reece books the bands for scowling in the passenger seat look- lady dance to the burlesque beat, or drive, it is not somewhere I Rockabilly Round-up every Saturday ing foxy and appropriately bored. Ithought Reece would agree to night at The World Famous Marine The light was green and the heat was meet me with his very very sweet Club (573 Homer), where sometimes still detaining them. When it came 1954 Ford Mainline. It looked you can find him on stage with his time for them to drive off it seemed pleasantly ironic parked across from upright bass slapping out the tunes the beast was louder than the indy. I the notorious hippy park, and I had a with his current band The Sunsetters. found out later that the cops had private laugh as this was indeed the He has also played with Rip Carson stopped them for being “too loud”. last place in Vancouver I would have and the Twilight trio as well as a per- Fitting. actually expected to see Reece’s sonal favorite of mine, the spooky- Glossy grey with a black classic rod due to the tendency of a billy band Deadbolt. If you are flame job, a blue-grey leopard interi- die hard greaser to keep oldschool interested in hearing traditional rock- or and dice suicide knobs is only the traditions still alive. Thankfully, he abilly sounds, some dj’d and always aestetic begining to this classic cus- got my hippy vs. greaser joke and a live band check out the roundup, tom ride. This rod’s got a 239 handled the situation with the right $3.50 a pale ale pint is hard to find “Flattie” silver and black V8, it’s amount of casual humour. This guy downtown on a Saturday night and been lowered, replaced and rebuilt is living the 50’s dream, in true devo- you don’t have to be a diehard rock- during the two years Reece has tion he “lives it, plays it, dates it, abilly to enjoy this evening, the owned “Precious”, with all original builds it and drives it”. Quote, doors are open to all. It only seems parts. Reece has done most of the unquote. fitting that a guy so interested in the work himself or with the help of MAIN LINES part 2 Luckily for me I have no kids for him to play with. expenses-paid trip to see Trooper at the Biltmore. goddamn good cheese-franks). One interesting Park Park One day I watched wasted head- I asked the mower-guy if he knew the park’s group of multi-ethnic folks sets up a stage and bangers cheer on a growling pit bull dangling name, but he couldn’t hear through his orange, sound system and performs with various funky “It’s called Park Park…so get fucked!,” cackled a from a tree branch. The snarling pooch was hang- municipal-issue earmuffs. instruments. Best of all, congregating at Park Park scraggly man with a toothless grin. The park I was ing several feet off the ground with its body During my three-year survey, I’ve wit- does not appear to require a permit - I have asked inquiring about lies at E. 8th Ave. and Brunswick writhing in spasm. “Arghhhhh!!!…Yah fuckin’ nessed plenty of strange and edgy moments at around and nobody seems to bother. I guess it is St. in East Vancouver. There are no signs naming fuck,” they hollered. Lunching Jehovah’s Park Park. However, it is not gloomy. Nor does difficult to fill out an application for a nameless it. I’ve lived across from this park for three years Witnesses looked on nervously. The man who it ever seem dangerous, even when alarming park. and walk through it daily. Occasionally, I ask looks exactly like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the things are happening. People mingle in a general This thought led me to figure that I neighbours and park-goers if they know the name. Lambs, the guy who wears short-shorts and does atmosphere of safety, in the daytime at least. could probably get the name if I inquired at City No one seems to know. Tai Chi, paid no attention to the menacing hound Many families have picnics. There are often Hall. So, I telephoned the snivel servants at I asked T-Bone. He ignored me and and carried on with his graceful routine. Nor did weekend parties among various ethnic communi- Gotham. After waiting on hold for way too much continued to pet his lizards. T-Bone brings his the ruckus faze the passed-out men on the far flank ties. Bangladeshi volleyball runs all summer, a time, I was told the person who might know iguanas on leashes down to Park Park. They are — children carried on using them as hurdles in game in which the ball may be struck only once by would be in the following Wednesday between six and eight feet long and T-Bone only unleashes their jumping games. The grisly canine didn’t tire each side, back and forth between 25 man teams 9:00 and 9:15 a.m.. “So get fucked,” I told them, the larger one, he explains, because it runs faster easily and eventually fell to the ground in a slob- (this giant volley-pong match looks silly but there “It’s called Park Park.” than most small dogs. Nothing pleases him more bering heap. I thought better than to interrupt the is a tremendous amount of smiling and laughing (Author’s note: it took only a quick look at a map than his reptile versus her poodle (the unsuspect- animal show and didn’t ask anyone the name of amongst the participants). Chinese Christians fre- to reveal that it is actually called Guelph Park… ing dog owner’s reaction is the most enjoyable the park that day. quently have barbeques, and one day they however, the fun was in the asking). part). Last summer his pet ran down a terrier and Along with the gentrification process beseeched me to share their hot dogs (I thank them clawed it apart. T-Bone told me he used to kill that is presently transforming the Main Street area, for their benevolence and they did have some Laird Salton people for an unnamed crime syndicate, but I more and more young urbanites now frequent the enjoy his company nonetheless. I crossed the field grassy patches. They suntan, read books, and and heard T-Bone behind me yelling, “It’s called throw Ultimate discs. The tennis courts have yet Jurassic Park!” to demand a dress code — many players still wear I asked the local pedophile and he just boots and can’t hit the ball — yet there are defi- stared at me blankly, unsure if I was a friend or nitely many who don’t play hammered. The other foe. He is a repulsive old fellow with a brimmed day I saw a young couple falling in love on a blan- hat, greasy skin and thick, black-rimmed glasses. ket, smiling adoringly at one another with horned, While sitting on the bench adjacent the play- art-school glasses and seventies ski jackets. I ground he initiates contact with small children. asked them park’s name between smooches and He sits there clutching a black leather bag that they cheerfully said they hadn’t a clue. holds mysterious contents. If excited, he will get Despite its popularity, Park Park is neg- up and dance like a teddy bear, laughing along lected by the City of Vancouver. Perhaps they with the smiling kids. At other times, he is sur- have trouble finding it. The grass looks like a rounded by police officers. Angry parents also wheat field by springtime. When Vancouver does gather around and shout horrible things. I cannot finally arrive with their caged mower, they first say if this man is guilty or not, but I’m definitely wake up many sleeping folks hidden in the rough disturbed when the vigilante neighbours start hurl- (so they don’t shred their limbs off, I suppose). ing insults. Perhaps he accepts his illness, along When the City leaves, the residents return and with his position as the neighbourhood pariah, for crack a fresh, warm Iron Horse to celebrate the people let him know so often he is disgusting and Man’s exit and their freshly mowed real estate. going to hell. He is certainly determined to sit at Iron Horse should sponsor Park Park and donate a his bench and withstand the scorn. Luckily for him sign. Maybe they could have a “Name That Park” the police and parents are usually busy elsewhere. contest and send the winners on an all-liquor-

25 cards from the dancers. Tex: He must have learned that trick from you last month.... Dex: He kept trying to touch me, it was creepy. It made me want to vomit all over his heinous doo-rag. er, THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. Tex: He even leaned over and licked the TEXAS Not having seen the original, I side of her glass. That was incredibly picked up a fancy-shmancy newly restored, weird. DILDO etc…DVD from Reel Horror. Actually, I saw Dex: Then he tried to grab my thigh and the last 10 minutes of CHAINSAW in 1979 that’s when I went biker-chick on his ass. MASQUERADE when I went in early on a double bill to watch Tex: Ms Dexter lashed out with violent (1997) Mile High Video the overrated HALLOWEEN, and was suffi- Family Vacation force, knocking his sorry self off his stool and onto the sticky ciently disgusted to not attempt a re-viewing. Illustrations by Miss Dexter f there is one area where porn is on top of floor of the bar. I Twenty-three years later, my appraisal was Tex: Ready to take off on our cross Canada the game, it is parody. No sooner is a big was impressed. confirmed. CHAINSAW is a gruesome, relent- Tour of Booty, we just needed to pick up our budget movie released than a porn version Dex: Then this hot I less descent into cinematic verite murder and rental car, a convertible luxury vehicle, reserved – costing a mere fraction – is offered to X- chick named horror. Extremely well-done, but disturbing. and waiting renters. Recent titles include SNATCH Karma came out The porn version is a completely for us at the ADAMS, MISSIONARY POSITION: and she had this hot impressive and enjoyable re-doing, cutely sub- rental depot. IMPOSSIBLE, and WHORE OF THE vinyl outfit and I stituting sex toys for Dex: What did RINGS. was like… yeah... the chainsaw, and sor- we end up One of the now take it off!! did penetration for leaving with? most valuable subver- Tex: All the slaughter (interesting- A station sive traditions in enter- dancers out there - ly, the original is sex- wagon. tainment, the movie par- Dex: All 3 less – while the porn Tex: Yes, a ody is, in cartoon form, Tex: had very impressive, homemade cos- version is, out of legal hideous family a long established staple tumes. She had on a vinyl miniskirt, black arm necessity, violence- mobile was all of MAD Magazine. The stockings and black and silver boots. She was less.) Obviously, a lot they had left idea is to milk like somekinda superhero. of care and attention despite our prior reservation. But it got us to overblown epics for Dex: A naked superhero went into TEXAS Kelowna in only 4 hours. laughs, by reproducing Tex: She was impressed with how DILDO, and the Dex: We checked into our seedy motel room, the film in a satirical Ms Dexter’s ‘take no shit’ attitude actors go all out. If opened a phone book, and headed to Cheetahs. manner. An easy and and gave her a tiny little poster. you are a fan of Tex: Kelowna only has about 5 night clubs, legal way to prick the Dex: Finally we could leave. Next CHAINSAW, you will and the rest of them are as lame as church. balloon of one the stop - Calgary! definitely appreciate Dex: Church can be fun... if nudity and sin are biggest control estab- Days later, after much driving... this. involved. lishments in society – Tex: Lost in the maze of souths Tex: We’ll just leave that one alone... it was Hollywood. Hollywood and norths and nothing but numbers for streets Dmidtrui Otis only a Wednesday night and this bar was itself successfully that make up the city of Calgary, we stumbled packed, and there were even a ton of girls there. launched into the movie upon a place called an ‘Adult Sports Bar’. Cheetahs was THE place to be in Kelowna. parody with 1980’s AIR- Liking the sound of this, we entered, despite the Dex: Yeah, for once I wasn’t the only glassy PLANE!, outrageously goawayedness that the 20 rule long “No Shirt Texas Dildo eyed dame droolin over the ladies. spoofing the AIRPORT No Shoes No Biker Colours No Golds Gym Masquerade can be Tex: One of our more prudish friends showed franchise – in retrospect Clothes No Hats etc” dress code list posted at rented at Reel Horror up looking for us at this point. high camp material any- the door implied. on Broadway. Dex: How she found us, I’ll never know... way, as the recent Dex: There were three naked girls on the stage Lex: Hey guys! I knew I’d find you here. I’ve Criminal Cinema retrospective revealed. together when we got there! Check out Otis’ new website on the Golden never been to a strip joint before, what goes on? The French, who take their film very Tex: And one of them was in the Age of Porn at realboogienights.com Dex: Well... seriously, preferred the potential to copy posi- shower! yeehar! Tex: Usually, we get drunk, the girls get on tive qualities of one film in another. Thus, the Dex: We got service right away stage, take off their clothes and dance around, film term “homage”, and with TEXAS DILDO too- take off more clothes MASQUERADE, the Porn Movie Industry Tex: This place had to be the and then dance has proved it can ‘homage’ with the best of classiest joint we’ve ever been in. It around some more. them. This entire porno is obviously a loving was two levels, with a balcony Lex: They get tribute to the classic 1974 horror groundbreak- overlooking the ladies and the backwalls were TOTALLY naked? all made up to look like a street in New Tex: Yup, we get to Orleans. see everything. Look Dex: Good food too. it’s almost vagina Tex: Extensive menu... they had everything. time now! And it was cheap! We ate a meal each and had Lex: aaaahh! (covers hers eyes) about 4 drinks each and it was 30 bucks. They Tex: The dancers got a real kick out of our don’t give free stuff away there though. They friend and wouldn’t leave her alone. We forced make you EARN your free posters and other her to have a good time and then proceeded to assorted crap by playing crazy stripper games get ourselves incredibly sloshed. Dex: Like throwing loonies at their crotches. Tex: Closer to the end of the night, the girls in Tex: Or the dildo-ring toss. That was an inter- the bar all retreated to the back, where the pool esting one. But definitely, if you’re ever in tables are, leaving us alone with all the incredi- Calgary, go there. bly drunk perverts, where we belong, and Dex: Yeah but lunch time and driving mean Tex despite the ‘no’ feeling we were getting from and I didn’t get, get up on stage and shake our the guys around us, we were determined to stay booty drunk, so until we won at least one poster. we got nothing Dex: You had the no feeling too? funny to say or Tex: Yeah, the guy next to me kept saying soy ha ha ha ha. ‘hola’ and smiling at me like he wanted to do Tex: Uh... I incredibly homoerotic things to me. The things think little miss I’ll endure for free shit.... Dexter is a wee Dex: The guy next to me was also quite drunk bit pissed right and kept telling everyone it was his birthday now. and he won lots of posters and nudie playing

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