IInnarnnardsds Band Slut of the month! Cover Story What is your stage name and where are you based? It’s Blind Marc or Blark. I’m based in Victoria BC.

How many musical outfits are you currently whoring around with? Four right now: Betty Ford (Drums), The Shivs (Vocals), Keg Killers (Drums), The Bloody Hells (Drums), Dayglo Abortions (U.S. Tour Drummer).

How do you keep all your bands separate? I pretty much separate them by the music style. They’re all punk, but slightly different. The Shivs is more hardcore, while Betty Ford is a street punk thing. Keg Killers is more of a 70’s style rock ‘n’ roll punk. Not too sure about the Bloody Hells yet, since I just joined.

How often do you fall off the stage? photo: Laura Murray Well, The Shivs haven’t played a show in lind Marc (Marc Hlady) has become a awhile, so not lately... It all depends on the key element of the Victoria punk scene amount of booze and how fast it goes down. It The Dirtbombs... Casey Cougar talks to in the last ten years. Whether he’s B doesn’t happen so much with the other bands, drumming or singing, you know that if Blark is Mick and surprisingly doesn’t take off since I can use the drums to prop myself up. in the band it’s gonna be hard as hell. You’d her underwear... think that drinking and playing would take up 15 How do you know when it’s time to sleep in all of his time, but Marc also likes to treat peo- the tub? ple to the unnerving sight of a blind guy bar- It’s pretty much a given after 20 or so beers... reling down Cook Street on his skateboard now you just know. Live Wires 10 and again. White cane in hand. I guess the tat- -Ty Forslund Winnipeg Punk according to Adrian Mack too across his gut sums it up the best. BLIND AND PROUD. Incoming 9, 13 Rock For Choice, TSOL

T H E N E R V E H I T S Q U A D Live Wires 16 Strapping Young Lad, Hardcore Mayhem, Distillers, King Pin (a/k/a Editor-IIn-CChief) Bradley C. Damsgaard Writers Eve 6 and... Nickelback? [email protected] Pistol Whipper (a/k/a Music Editor) Sarah Rowland Cheap Shotz 6 [email protected] Wanted! The Getaway Driver (a/k/a Production Manager) Casey’s Q & A 7 Pierre Lortie You a Lova or a Fighta! [email protected] Victoria, Calgary, Father Gary (a/k/a Visual Arts Editor) Jason Ainsworth Edmonton, Adrian Mack 7 Shotgun (a/k/a Film Editor) Winnipeg Is Gay, Impotent, Cripple and apparently quite bitter. Bjorn Olson Friend of the Family (a/k/a Adult Content Editor) writers and Jason Wertman The Henchmen (a/k/a Design & Graphics) Photographers to Hopelessness 8 Pierre Lortie, Saturnin, B. Damage Suzi, Love and other four letter words Cover Photos: cover their Laura Murray respective music Off the Record 18-20 The Muscle (a/k/a Staff Writers) scenes... Atomick Pete, A.D. MADGRAS, Cowboy New Bomb Turks, The Evaporators, Watch Them Die plus TexAss, Casey Bourque, Sinister Sam, Adler over 20 cd reviews Floyd, Aaronoid, Billy Hopeless, Dennis Regan, D-Rock and Miss Kim, Michael Mann, for more info, Adrian Mack, Jake Poole, Max Crown contact: Film 24 Girl Friday (a/k/a Subscriptions/Mailouts) [email protected] Gore: The Mommy Returns to Rot Sue Hobler (604) 734-1611 Weapons Cleaners (a/k/a Copy Editors) Optic Nerve: Morvern Callar & Gerry Alyssa Koehler, Fire Insurance (a/k/a Advertising) Skate 23 Brad Damsgaard Rachel Davis 1980-2004 [email protected] ADVERTISE Out-oof-ttown Connections (a/k/a Distribution) Calgary: Rick Overwater, Mike Taylor. Did you know that The Nerve It’s Rainin Men 21 Edmonton: Graeme MacKinnon. Winnipeg: Phil March or Die! by Ainsworth and Ryan of Steel Capped Records, Victoria: is now picked up by punks, Jono Jak drunks and yer mom clear The Nerve is published monthly by The Nerve Column 22 Magazine Ltd. The opinions expressed by the writers through to Winnipeg? The Joys of Being Unemployed, by Michael Mann and artists do not necessarily reflect those of The Nerve Magazine or its editors... but often do. First publishing You do now. rights only are property of The Nerve Magazine cause we have no desire to “ own” you. The Nerve does not Get exposure for your band Smut Ranch 25 accept responsibility for content in advertisements. The Max Crown and Maja Lee tag-team review Lust World 2 Nerve reserves the right to refuse any advertisement or across Western Canada. submission and accepts no responsibility for unsolicit- ed manuscripts or artwork. Copyright 2003 Ask about our damn fine Etc... 22, 25, 27 508 - 825 Granville St. indie rates. Alt F4, Puzzle Page, Cartoons, Found! Vancouver, B.C. V6Z 1K9 contact Brad 604.734.1611 [email protected] WARNING! UNCENSORED! www.thenervemagazine.com 604-734-1611 please, enjoy. 5 Music

Cheap Shotz By Sarah Rowland The Uncas Old Boys this picture? Of course, if these these on-line The Gung-Hos SLEAZEBALL no*8* The Edmonton- stalkers want to rock Trashcan, they’re are Happy Valentine’s Day! based Uncas Old gonna have to get past Badly Damaged first, Sleazeball on Friday the 13th of February @ Boys, who who just happens to have a third-degree black Vancouver’s Fabulous Penthouse night club played at the belt in pilates and let me tell you, there’s noth- featuring: Radio Berlin, All You Can Eat, Festival of Guns ing more terrifying than seeing Damaged prac- Fashion by Faint, Hostess Cotton, Miss Kitty. last November, ticing his lethal downward facing dog manoeu- It’s the perfect way to spend the holiday—for were incorrectly vre in a skin-toned thong. Not only that. He’s everyone from happy couples to lonely perverts labeled as the got some new moves that he recently picked up and people who are just really into high-end “Uncaps Old from Sting’s instructional video. stripping. Boys” in our last issue. This typo Dog Eat Dogma is looking for a Bass Billy Hopeless is almost as Guitarist. embarrassing as the time I wrote, “Jono is the Fuck the The fab five posed in a pre-game huddle back- sexiest man in rock” when what I meant to say Atkinson diet. stage, just minutes before they made their was “Bono is the sexiest man in rock”. I don’t If you want to Commodore debut. Now I know there’s been know how these mistakes keep getting past our lose weight some grumblings, especially in the States, copy editing department. But you can be damn fast, go on the about how much ink the Hos get in The Nerve. sure that Blark will never proof read in this road with Dog Some Seattle readers have even gone so far as town again. Eat Dogma. to suggest that they are Vancouver’s answer to Vancouver’s the Beatles. This simply isn’t true. The whole The Mexican Blackbirds metal tinged Ho-mania thing is a myth. We just love sup- The Nerve in no way condones drinking and punk band is porting our hometown heroes. That’s why driving but we also don’t approve of leaving looking for a when the boys next door of heavy rock opened death threats on band message boards. The new bassist. up for The Dirtbombs Jan 22 at the crack of 9 Mexican Blackbirds have been receiving some DD Dumper pm, they played to three rows of friends and pretty disturbing emails since the Nerve’s has officially give or take 73 million American TV viewers. The man who made it cool to wear multi-zip- December 2003 issue, where lead singer Chris retired from Of course, when the guys were loading out, the pered stretch pants is Nerve’s employee of the Trashcan alluded to downing a few before get- starvation usual mob of hysterical female fans started month. If you want to know more about the ting behind the wheel when his band played in tours. But if chasing the mop-top sensations down Granville Black Halos punk rock legend, you can check Vancouver. One particular vigilante has threat- making a liv- Street. But they took it in stride. As they gaily him out at Van’s Pub 340. As of Feb 1st, he’ll ened to bottle Trashcan if he ever makes it back Frontman Bob Dog ing at music darted in and out of storefront alcoves in a mad- be hosting Tigerbeat Sundays, a night of to the ‘Couv. Keep in mind, the Blackbirds, against all cap game of cat and mouse, the girls kept teenage rock ‘n’ roll and all the bubble gum you who play with, you guessed it, the Gung-Hos at odds appeals to you, contact Dog Eat Dogma screaming out the names of their favourite Ho. can swallow. Spinning the likes of the Jackson The Nerve issue releaseparty Friday, Feb 6 at [email protected] However, it was difficult to hear make out what Five, The Ramones, Abba, The Bay City Pub 340, are based out of Tacoma, For more info visit the website www.sudden- they were saying with Hard Day’s Night blast- Rollers, ABBA and AC/DC, DJ B. Hopeless Washington.Yet, we’re the ones coming across death. com/dogeatdogma ing so loudly in the background. guarantees that every chick in the joint will be as ignant red necks… see what’s wrong with dancing.

6 Music Adrian Mack Casey’s Q & A Is An Idiot Are you a lover or a fighter? Matt Lyons, By Adrian Mack or the score for “Taboo!”) is sitting in some ass- Jeff Lee, Black Nasty On (and hole’s recycle bin. y girlfriend complains that I always Rice: “I’m a sometimes The give the impression I’m a Gay Man lover ‘cuz I’m Cinch): Not that I care anymore. I’m tired of when I write this column. Not that I really skinny & M being your idiot. It’s a horrendous burden. Billy “Both ‘cuz I like can blame her. Most people think I’m Gay. My wimpy-I can’t gets to be “Hopeless” which gives him way my sex really mother still thinks I’m Gay – she once saw me more latitude. Casey’s allowed to be a even kick my own rough!” described as a “talented percussionist” in the “Cougar”. I have to be an idiot. It’s hard. On top ass!” Georgia Straight and to her mind that was proof. of all that, people are trying to lift my shtick by She called me up that day. I was at work. claiming they’re idiots too. Fuckers… you can “Adrian Mack – Idiot Desk,” I said. have it. Walk a mile in my shoes if you dare. “Yo! Princess Tiny Meat! (That’s You’ll notice that my shoes have big Air Horns what she calls me) Even the Georgia Straight on them. Chad Mureels, says you’re Gay!” Mick Collins, Not a whole lot of fun, is it? Nasty On, Dog “Yeah – they think I’m a racist, too. The Everybody is looking at you, aren’t Eat Dogma: A Ignore it.” Dirtbombs: they? lover. “So what are you then,” she contin- “I’m a lover. Now you don’t feel so fucking smart, The last fight I ued. “Are you Gay?” I’ve or idiotic, or both…do you? Ass. was in was two “No, I’m not. I’m impotent. I’ve been done waaay too impotent ever since that Industrial Tribunal ran years ago at a So I write this offensive piece of much fightin’ in over my legs. I can’t walk either. That’s why I DOA garbage and just about lose my job while the my life and not have a GIRLFRIEND…” and I emphasized the show (@ The Norwegians can arse about killing and eating enough word, “…to push me around.” Pic). each other and everybody at Nerve HQ thinks lovin’!” There’s a terrible double standard at work here and it doesn’t end with the cold winds of homophobia lick- ing at my marble virgin ass like those ghosts in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

that’s just fucking splendid. There’s a terrible “You let that gold-digging tart push double standard at work here and it doesn’t end you around? Sounds pretty Gay to me…” with the cold winds of homophobia licking at “No…I mean, to push my wheelchair my marble virgin ass like those ghosts in around. Her upper body strength has increased Raiders of the Lost Ark. What about every time ten-fold.” a bus rumbles past the office and I start rolling “Yeah, you like that don’t you? Big away from the keyboard, leaving me incapable arms, I mean.” of reaching anything beyond the space bar? Fine… That’s why these columns are always so short. Do you think Sarah Rowland is going to gently I’m not Gay and I’m not a Racist – push me back into my office which, incidental- which incidentally is exactly what Kirk ly, is on the fire escape beneath the window Brandon said when I saw his terrible old band where Brad sits in an overstuffed chair gestur- Spear of Destiny about two decades ago in ing with a pipe before a roaring fireplace and London. We learned since then that he was actu- women in gossamer tunics waft about spritzing ally both, but I’m standing my ground on this the air with atomized baby tears… well, is she? matter – or at least sitting in my wheelie on a That’s right. No. level surface. I’m writing this column in a state of some despair. I already submitted one this It’s very, very cold here. I wish my month and it was junked because Sarah and mom had NOT given me a subscription to Bulk Brad thought I might get beaten up, on account Male magazine (don’t even ask) for Christmas. of how offensive it was. I pleaded with them – I wish that she had just written me a cheque “It’s satire!” I moaned. “Nobody reads this shit because my team of cats have not eaten for a except my friends. They’re not going to beat me long time and nobody can live off tastefully up. Not anymore. Who’s gonna punch a guy composed images of the “heavier man” forever. with floppy legs? And a floppy wiener? I don’t I found one of the little buggers chewing my even have any friends! And I have to pay some catheter this morning. Maybe I’ll just chew on tart to push me around!!! I’m an idiot!!!” But his for a while. they were intractable. I even pulled out the old “I’m Gay” defense and it still didn’t wash. That’ll show you all. Possibly. So the greatest piece of writing I ever did in my entire life (not including the screen- play for Rainer Werner Fassbinder’s “Querelle”

7 Suzi, Love, and Other Four Letter Words By Billy Hopeless -4-3-2-1 it’s 2004! Happy New Year I hear there’s a live DVD/documentary on the Whoo hoo! This year I’m going to really way called Naked Under the Leather. When 5improve things! Yeah right, you go for it will this be released and where can we find out keener. As for me, well I’m just going to keep more about this? It’s truly about time your doing my worst. Thus, I’ll never be let down or story was told! a letdown. Now last year I gave you the funny For more details about the DVD, you can con- Valentine known as Blag Dahlia, which I’m tact [email protected]. She is the direc- sure made most of the girls in Nerveland as tor. It should be out by spring on next year. ready for love as Britney Spears on her wed- Also, we are producing a documentary togeth- ding/honeymoon/annulment night. So, this year er. We already have lots of footage in the can... I’m going to separate the boys from the men I bet you’re excited now… I sure am. And yes, and the girls from the goddesses. See, anyone it’s about time. can drop names from Joan Jett to Brody Armstrong, who are all relevant to the world of The last time you played in Vancouver, you rock ‘n’ roll. But let’s face it, if it wasn’t for were opening for your friend Alice Cooper. Suzi Quatro, the whole tough rock chick thing I’ve just bought his new album and I’ve got to may have never turned on to turn us on. Suzi’s say it’s not only one of my fave albums of last always been the coolest and I’m pleased to say year but the best thing he’s done in ages and a that she is back in action and ready to once definite return to rock. Have you heard the new Coop and are you aware of the so called Suzi Quatro “sounds of today” or do you, like me, try to ignore the future and just keep faithful to rock ‘n’ roll? Haven’t heard my old pal’s new stuff yet, but will listen on your recommendation. I like lots of stuff. My 19-year-old son keeps me up on everything by constantly playing the music channels... Limp Bizkit... Kid Rock... spring to mind.

Cool, do it for the Coop! Now as I was saying earlier, I was first introduced to you via televi- sion and that led to me buying your albums, since then you’ve starred in the Broadway musical Annie Get Your Gun, as well as a guest spot on Absolutely Fabulous. Have you had any other acting opportunities that we might not know about? Yeah, check out my website for all info (www.suziquatro.com). I also did “Minder”, a popular series here in England and played a

Photo: Courtesy of Suzi Quatro crazy woman in “Dempsey and Makepeace”, again show the world that her cool class can out which was shown in America. I also wrote and rock the hot trash in 2004. I’m still so in love starred in my own musical, based on a 30’s with her rock ‘n’ roll that I feel this interview is heroine actress Tallulah Bankhead called truly one of the greatest honours that I’m not Tallulah Who? I would love to do this one worthy of. Now let’s can the can. again... someday, somewhere... it was a great show. Wow Suzi, I’ve got to say you look and sound as great as ever. Just seeing your smiling face This interview is for the Valentine’s day issue stirs up crazy emotions in me that I haven’t of The Nerve and here I am talking to my first felt since I first saw you playing the part of rock ‘n’ roll crush. I’ve got to ask you some Leather Tuscadero on the T.V. show Happy questions on the subject of romance. Please Days. Does rock ‘n’ roll truly keep you young be gentle with me as I’m feeling as fragile as a or do you have some other secret to eternal teenager in love. You’ve written many songs youth? on the subject, but what are your top heart- Hi... yes, rock ‘n’ roll does keep me young. I throbbers/heartsobbers to listen to? What have also been blessed with a face that has aged songs make you melt? well. Stage work in itself is an aerobic workout. My fav. of all time is Nat King Cole, “When I Dressed in leather under hot lights with a heavy Fall in Love”. Other faves, off the top of my bass strapped on, running around, playing and head, “Then You Can Tell Me Goodbye” by the singing for 2 hours… you’d better be fit. Also, Casinos, “The Way You Look Tonight” by The when I shake my ass, I WANT a reaction… Lettermen, “You Belong to Me”, the Duprees, thank God I am still getting one. “Rosie” by Jackson Browne and last, but not least, “Desperado” by the Eagles… whew. I’m so happy to hear you’re back on the attack and I can hardly wait to hear more Quatro! I Well as everyone knows Billy Hopeless is a understand you’re presently recording a new master poet. In fact, some call me the Bard of album in New York with long time Quatro the Red Roses, Sir William Hopeless. Thank contributor Mike Chapman on board. Will you again and again for this interview and for this truly be the return of the rocking Suzi we being there then and now to teach us all about know and love? love and rock ‘n’ roll. Do you have any part- I’ll be doing some stuff with Mike and I’m writ- ing words for you’re humble students? ing myself and yes, this will be returning to my Teaching about love and rock ‘n’ roll... well... roots. I am ready to remind the world of what I it’s elementary, isn’t it? do best... which is kick-ass rock ‘n’ roll.

8 Incoming

Rock for Choice By Sarah Rowland ave you ever come up with a, like, really Pacific Pilsner spon- great way to make a difference in the world sorship—a fact that Hbut then your favourite TV show comes on perhaps overshadows and your thoughts of altruism drift to more press- their personal politics. ing matters like pizza toppings? Or in a fleeting “It’s not like moment of spiritual enlightenment, decided that you have to fill out a you were gonna volunteer your services to some check list to play at worthy cause, only before you get the chance to Rock for Choice,” says sign up; your E starts to wear off? Don’t worry, it Maultsaid. “If you’re happens to everybody …well, almost everybody. willing to attach your When Meegan Maultsaid is inspired to name to it— whether take on the man, she actually follows through. or not you’re vehe- Ten years ago, she started the Rock for mently pro-choice and Choice Vancouver chapter, a benefit that helps fund you can talk for 20 women’s health clinics. The lead singer for hard- minutes about the state core straightedge outfit, Che Chapter 127, was of the pro-choice inspired to kick off the only charity event of its kind movement— I don’t in Western Canada by a magazine ad for the L.A. give a fuck. I mean, R4C concert and that was all it took—that and a lot obviously there’s some of sacrificed couch time that she can never get criteria. We’re not back. But she’s too busy to think of all the reruns going to work with she’s missed. As one of the the coordinators for bands that are fascists Under the Volcano, an nonprofit music festival that or whatever. But a band addresses pretty much everything wrong with the like S.T.R.E.E.T.S, free world, Maultsaid usually has several jam- they fit perfectly. It’s packed calendars on the go at once. However, she gonna be fun. It’s took some time out from filling out a grant appli- gonna be totally packed Rock for Choice organizer Meegan Maultsaid backed by the S.T.R.E.E.T.S. Photo: Laura Murray cation to reminisce about her first R4C. and it’s gonna be sorta “It was a pretty small show,” says like a community party ing goes.” make sure that women have access to safe abor- Maultsaid on the phone. “It was at Hastings vibe but at the same time, those guys know their The director of Everywoman’s Health tions is if the young people continue to support us.” Community Centre. Sparkmarker was headlining. shit.” Centre, a clinic where doctors perform abortions, So with all this respect from the music There was like 300 people or something. I mean, it And the feeling is mutual. doesn’t know her Sarah Harmer from her Black community and gratitude from the people she was cool that it happened, but it was small… then “Her particular love of integrating some Rice, but she does know what it’s like to work helps, is there anyone who won’t take Maultsaid’s it kept getting propelled further and further.” pretty hefty politics and music is hard to get away behind a bulletproof window because of weekly calls? Since then it’s evolved into a seven-day with coz in a lot of cases it sort of takes away from harassment from anti-choice protesters. For her, “I would think that some people in the event, Jan 29- Feb 7, with over 20 performing the artistic merits of things and it all becomes too knowing that R4C is not just going strong but that industry wouldn’t— like the higher echelon. artists and an all-day conference. The roster has literal,” says S.T.R.E.E.T.S. guitarist James Farwell bands like S.T.R.E.E.T.S. give a fuck, is encourag- Maybe someone at Feldman would be like, ‘Who broadened from the usual feminist suspects like whose band will be performing with Maultsaid’s ing. the fuck are you?’,” says Maultsaid. “But, then Biff Naked to bands that you maybe wouldn’t Chapter 127 at the Brickyard, Saturday February “It gives us a connection to the commu- again, I might not take their phone calls either. It expect such as, S.T.R.E.E.T.S., a skate punk band 7th. “But I think she manages to get a good mix of nity,” says Jackie, who doesn’t want to give her last kind of goes both ways.” that has expressed a deep commitment to landing a the two. And she’s just a fucking fireball. She fuck- name for security reasons. “The only way we can

9 Music Honouring Canadian Punk Rock History…. St

By Adrian Mack ichard Duguay is at war with his Vancouver for another round with the Big City Punks. They concurrently went a few rounds with the bouncers at memory as he starts to run down Gary Taylor’s Rock Club too, after their roadie, Matt, the history of his band. Other stuffed the Club’s Space Invaders machine into the R back of the bus. At the Smilin’ Buddha the next graphics and photos: courtesy Doug Humiski members will exhibit the same vaguely night, band tensions caused Duguay and amnesiac groping when I talk to them – Funk to throw in the towel and they flew home in a huff (a Boeing Huff). they all assume that the others will Mitch later had a change of heart remember things differently. But who and met up with remaining band in Calgary. Duane Eddie became their new bass player – was taking notes back then, aside from he was re-christened by the band when they the FBI? gave up trying to spell his real name (I gave up Duguay is at least certain that doing sound for Le too). Mitch fondly remembers the enigmatic Kille at the Marion one evening in the early 80s, or rather, puk- Eddie: ing in the parking lot while he was supposed to be doing sound “He’s a mysterious character. He had for Le Kille is what seemed to initially endear him to that band. really smelly feet. The rest of him didn’t smell “There was feedback going on and there I wasn’t. So we bad but then he’d take off those leather sneak- became close.” ers…” Le Kille evolved into a new group with Duguay on bass, Mark Hallderson on drums, Jimmy Green and Walter Kot Catching them on a return visit handling the guitars and Mitch Funk – otherwise known to the to their hometown, Duguay rest of Winnipeg as Frankenstein – taking up front man duties was amazed: in grand, baritone and beefcake style. “They’d gotten a With little behind them aside from less than nothing, lot harder and faster. The the band managed to score a show at The 7th Street Entry in sheer power was fuckin’ Minneapolis so they came up with the name “Personality insane.” Crisis”. Walter was also The opening band for these dates was Husker Du and insane, sadly. PC were prin- Bob Mould was suitably impressed or intimidated enough to cipally a hard drinking band take aim at the fresh-faced Canucks. “We’re gonna play 20 but they weren’t snobs when songs in 20 minutes and blow you guys away,” he pledged. it came to the Syd Barrett Back in Winnipeg, PC dove into a work schedule that Diet and Walter in particular would shame most other bands. had embarked on a seemingly Mitch concurs: “We used to go over parts endlessly endless psychedelic odyssey. you know just to make sure they had a lot of impact. We were “He kinda went off the deep- ALWAYS ready to play,” he adds, summing up the fight or die end,” confides Card. Walter attitude they needed to survive in Winnipeg’s micro-scene. In a saw the band split again, only fit of either blinding genius or grand stupidity, Duguay would to reform with Duguay on gui- later take matters into his own hands when he approached the tar. And Richard is visibly owners of Wellingtons – a downtown shit-hole with a disco in uncomfortable when he talks the basement typically awash with bikers, call girls and genital about it though his sympathies warts. They made a deal: lie with Walter. He recalls that he “…The deal was there was no deal,” he laughs. was sighted in the Osborne “They wouldn’t pay us a dime. Nothing.” Village in a Marching Band That first night, the club turned off the PA but back- Jacket with piping and brass and a pedaled when the soundman pointed out that things would get Top Hat, a Lords of the New much worse if the band wasn’t allowed to play. Winnipeg Punk Church LP stuffed under his arm had won its first standoff and raised its blackest flag – even if and leaning on a cane, his head full nobody was expecting it. The band still sound surprised at this of liquid LSD. primal, flashpoint event. “I think it was the Wellingtons punk The entire band will hap- rock riot where we kinda realized…holy shit what have we got pily admit that everybody was a here? …I was kind of scared actually,” giggles Mitch fuck-up by this point but the gang It’s worth remembering that in their infancy, anybody sensibility still prevailed and they with Gonads large enough to dress the way that PC dressed – headed back to San Francisco for a which at that point was a Technicolor amalgam of Glam Rock glorious Last Stand. Glad Rags and Thunders-inspired sartorial dissolution – was “We were basically the likely to receive a nice shit-kicking for their efforts. Pulling into house warm-up band for On Calgary for a brief residency at The Calgarian Hotel, the band Broadway, summer of 83,” was advised to not leave their rooms. Nonetheless, PC managed explains Duguay. “We opened to wallop that town too, connecting meanwhile with a kid in the for Gun Club, Circle Jerks, Bad audience who answered their call for future drummers since Brains…$150 a night which is Hallderson was looking to get out. piss all. It was just the best sum- mer…” Further down the line, PC will prove to be just as A friend of the band had intransigent as the stakes get even higher. But whatever it is that modified a VW Beetle so that a tube gives a great band its X-Factor, total philosophical independ- could be fed through the glove com- ence is a big part of it. That and a fucking killer drummer, partment, and they’d take turns swill- which brings us back to a pre-riot Winnipeg and the growing ing on the keg that sat in the boot. By stature of the band. A local scenester called Steve Thompson all accounts it was a glorious time – their was handling the bands’ affairs up to a point – raising their pro- reputation as a live band was peaking, to file when he scored a tour with The Romantics and a Billy Idol the extent, claims Mitch, that some acts show for two things – as well as suggesting that they dress like didn’t want to play with them. the Keystone Cops. That didn’t happen. He also helped them “We never seemed to get on any purchase an old school bus from the impossibly ridiculous Dead Kennedy shows…” he muses (although Walsh Twins, who worked as Identical Elvis Impersonators. others refute this). Indeed, Personality Crisis But with Hallderson now out of the band, they were were romantic individualists at heart (just check marooned. They auditioned a Russian guy called Yakov who out Funk’s outstanding lyrics) and they weren’t threw a bunch of jazzy hi-hat fills into their version of “Search about to fall in with the stone-jawed preachifying and Destroy” before leaving with his jazzy hi-hat fills between of San Fran’s political punk annex - the same peo- his legs and gales of laughter at his back. Then, with perfect ple who’s migraine-friendly humour and sanctimo- serendipity, that kid from Calgary showed up, pretending that ny precipitated the other form of PC that plagued the he was on his way to Toronto. eighties. “You see a lot of the people that were all into “I was kind of mouthy back then,” says Jon Card, “I that kind of thing and they’re all fucking stock brokers was probably a bit of an asshole.” now,” remarks Mitch. True. Or they run a record label. “He rocked…” says Duguay with due Gravitas, “he Speaking of which, San Fran is where they met Mike was this phenomenal drummer.” Risky, dealer of things exotic and speedy through the back During the summer of ’81 the new line-up returned to door while running Risky Records through the front. Mike (Risky) Barbeau was the brother of pneumatic TV-crumpet

10 Music tarting With Winnipeg’s Personality Crisis

Adrienne, were though Mitch points out that “his burned hard, we burned fast and then we…burnt breasts weren’t quite as nice.” Duguay out,” concludes Duguay. is a little more direct: “Psycho,” he And what about the album? Well, says. “Cocaine freak.” He launches into “Creatures For Awhile” is a lost classic except that a yellow-fanged impersonation, “Hey it’s even better than that. It doesn’t sound period Dickhead, put this up your snoot! That bound. It’s musically complex in some places, was him.” Naturally, our boys signed on incomprehensibly fast in others and always deep in and continued pursuing their endless the pocket. The riffing is stone great – bearing out summer. their continuing assertion that PC were just a good old electric rock and roll act. Mitch’s droll lyrics They motored out to the middle are a standout and his voice – THAT voice – the of a lake in a stolen House Boat with a diy secret weapon according to Card – it lies some- pirate flag flapping from the mast. They where between Ian Curtis with good pitch and Beef were accosted by cops for “Stealing power from “Phantom of the Paradise”. from the State of California” after an Imagine your favourite Classic Canadian impromtu concert in the middle of a field Punk Rock LP and there you go. That’s how good one “beautiful, starlit California night” it is. Mitch spent four nights in jail when he It was re-issued with a 45 in 1990 and broke into Jim Jones’ Temple with a couple of there’s talk of re-issuing it on CD. “It’s gotta be the guys from The Fuck Ups. Never get bust- done,” insists Mitch, “It’s long overdue…but we’re ed before a statutory holiday is the lesson. just as disorganized as we used to be even when He also fell off a cliff one night. Duguay we’re apart… I don’t think any of those guys can remembers emerging from his own coma to agree on who wrote the music.” find the indestructible but dazed singer drinking There are rumours of another re-issue on off the pain and shock. vinyl on the exceedingly rare, er, Jimmy Label but Card tried to wheel the legendary Olga the myriad financial shenanigans of such a thing is DeVolga by handing her a golf ball. This act of best left for Woodward and Bernstein to uncover. “I tribute to the untouchable moon-woman was so wouldn’t mind knowing but I don’t think I’ll ever bizarre and fucky and cute that Card got what he find out one way or another,” says Mitch with a wanted while so many others had died trying. “She resigned laugh. inserted it…” he says. And speaking of Jimmy – we haven’t Sometimes the party got too good – they really spoken of Jimmy. That’s partly because he couldn’t make it through a set with the Gun Club deserves a whole article to himself and partly coz some of ‘em had been awake for a few days. because I didn’t get to talk to him…Suffice to say “Jim, John and I” says Duguay, looking like the that he’s still out there playing like a hell-bound other guys are still in the room with him, “we thing. This in spite of him perhaps having the were terrible. Mitch was absolutely livid. We roughest time out of all of them since the heydays. didn’t put the band first.” He’ll be joining Card and Duguay on stage as Rogues Gallery on February 13th at the Railway Moving back to Winnipeg, Duguay’s Club, which is no small miracle. Getting just three gang spirit was flagging again and he was of them together is better than we deserve and a turfed for a while. “This is what we did,” he full-blown reunion isn’t expected. offers, “we just drank, A LOT. And it real- “Our first gig at the Elite Club we played ly started to effect me and it just got ugly.” with Fear and we just blew the crowd away…that When the Album “Creatures was then and it was beautiful but…Leave ‘em For A while” was finally released after wanting more,” says Card. an unreasonably long time, Card wel- Mitch is philosophical, even when I tell comed him back in though Duguay was him that the Nerve is willing to pay them One still unsettled. “The band was so frag- Million Dollars for just one show: ile at that point,” he continues, “there “I have too much respect for the music... was drugs and lots of alcohol…” It was a moment in time and not to be recreated.” A badly organized tour Walter, in the meantime, has bounced followed till the demoralized band back and lives a quiet life. “He’s doing fine,” Mitch found itself coming full circle in tells me. “He’s a good carpenter.” Minneapolis and facing both another phantom gig and their What they left behind is a lot of finger- own mortality. Three shows later prints (and not just on other people’s girlfriends or and Duguay had to split once the things that went missing from your house.) more. “I was getting really sick Their musical fingerprints are all over everything again so I just said I have to go that came out of the West Coast in their wake. And home. I thought I was dying. To there’s a lot of lingering respect. “Tell the world,” this day I still feel horrible that I wrote Toxic Reasons bassist Rob Snot in a letter to left but at that point I had to go.” Ripper fanzine in ‘82, “that Personality Crisis are So Duguay did the old fly-out the greatest fucking band in North America!” to dry-out again while the others Says Card (who would go on to play with continued on for a handful of DOA, SNFU and a whole lot of other great acts), shows in the east. Ironically, “You know, when you see a guy walking up to you when they got back to Winnipeg and he has a PC tattoo on his leg…I met a guy yes- to kick-off the release of a compi- terday. He came up and said I’ve been following lation called “Something to your career. PC is still the best band ever. Shook my Believe In”, there was Duguay hand, wouldn’t let go.” stage-managing the show. By Richard (who cut a version of “You Can’t now, however, it was pretty much Put Your Arms Around a Memory” with his old over for everyone. buddy Duff McKagen that Axl liked enough to put “Five fuck-ups in a van on “The Spaghetti Incident?”): playing rock n roll,” is how “I still have people coming up to me Duguay characterizes it now. “No when they find out I was in PC and they just…get management, no money…it was down at the altar. I think of bands like DOA – I held sheer heart and soul and you can them on pedestal but I’m thinking we were just as only run a machine like that for so much up there with less visibility.” long.” Mitch (who chose singing over Mitch calls it a “linger- Professional Wrestling and managed to show up in ing, painful death.” I asked him if TWO of my favourite Canadian movies – he thought they blew it. “Oh, I’m “Crimewave” and Guy Maddin’s “Archangel”): sure we did”, he laughs. “History will vindicate us eventually. I In the end, they all seem think it has in some respects.” He laughs. “I don’t to agree that it was a lack of organ- know…I was there!” ization that did them in. All the (Big thanks to the band, Doug Humiski, Slats and other stuff is part of the job. Read.) “We burned bright, we

11

Incoming Photos: Courtesy of TSOL Photos: Courtesy of

TSOL: Now (above). Then (right).

TSOL By Judge Smails and Carl Spackler Jack Grisham, Are You My Pal? What’s different now? Frankenstein or something. I’d put those on I’d whole world. The guys we take on tour are I remember driving down the street and, you be seven feet fuckin’ tall, walkin’ around. Just fresh out of prison if their parole officer will let Labour Day 1999. I have come down into the know, if I saw someone with orange hair I’d sticking out. ‘em go. We take guys straight out of rehab. Or United Snakes of America on a mission. A jour- pull the car over and say hey man, what’s up? The powdered wigs? not even in rehab. They basically end up kick- ney. I find myself in a giant cement bunker on What are you into? You need a ride? Do you Yeah wigs, everything. I had a full Blue Boy ing in our vehicle. These guys end up being our one of the hottest days of the summer enduring like the Damned? It was like a bond. Now it’s outfit. I remember one time I’m wearing the family and that’s what it is. A big, tight family. band after band of paunchy, balding, ageing not like that. Especially the shows… outfit, we’re playing a show. I mean it’s blue, And we take these guys on tour with us to show punk rockers who limp through their back cat- It kinda got ruined for me when the Heavy white-lace, the whole thing…I’m in the bath- them that you can have fun without getting alogues at half their original speed with half Metal guys started coming to the shows. room taking a piss and these guys are making high. Basically a lot of these tours turn into a their original members. The day seems to go on Yeah, you know who’s ass I’d like to kick? The fun of me. And they’re kinda looking at me fucking rolling rehab! forever while crappy-ass bands like The first guy that moshed at a Metal show! like, should we just kick this guy’s ass? And Is it tough to convince a parole officer that the Business and their moronic fanbase jump up Was that one of the reasons for “Beneath the they’re calling me a fag and whatever and the best form of rehabilitation is to tour with and down to crappy-ass soccer chants. When at Shadows” – to rebel against the code that was guy turns around and he has TSOL on his jack- TSOL? long last they enter the stage, like grenade can- setting in? et. I bet it broke his heart It sounds weird at first but I’ve talked to these nons on a whirling dervish, the once and still “Beneath the I’ll come home, my when I got on stage and guys and I lay it out for them. They’re gonna mighty True Sounds of Liberty make monkeys Shadows” was started singing. come with us and be around guys who are clean out of the lifeless no-hopers that preceded just a natural daughter will be smok- Sir! How dare you raise and if they stay here, they’re gonna go to clubs them. Jack Grisham, clad in a black full length experimenta- ing pot and I’ll say, hey, a child!!?? The Grave- and be around guys who aren’t. dress, prowls the stage like a panther. Ron tion just like robbing! The Church- When was the last time you tried to come to Emory scorches the eardrums with his unique other bands. knock that shit off! And plundering! The Fire- Canada? overdriven bat cave guitar sound and Mike You don’t have she’ll say, ‘Dad you’re in starting…! We’ve tried lots of times and the last time they Roche who some claim is a God among us, lays any rules. You ….The kidnapping? The got really upset. Because we’re all red-flagged down the cannonball basslines with more cool can do whatev- TSOL!’ And I’ll say, yeah torture? at home. We all have FBI numbers on us. than Chet Baker. The drummer Todd Barnes is er you want, – look what happened to The cars in swimming During that Reagan era they didn’t like you a year away from his own death and too preoc- wear whatever pools! All that stabbing? attacking the guy. That didn’t fly. So I was try- cupied with self-destruction to be part of this you want. I me. Yeah, my daughter ing to get a prison clearance – you need to be reunion tour. They’re better than I could ever guess we were knows all about it. clean for five years to get one of those – I was had hoped. stupid coz we believed it. And I always The crash and grab from music stores?!! like, fuck, what’s the problem. Then I found out I spoke to Jack Grisham, the man believed that there were no heroes involved and The bomb making. Underage marriage…. they classified me as an Enemy of the State. So who would later eulogize his drummer by that’s why I changed my name on every record. And then running for Governor! whatever. One time we snuck in. But the last announcing how weird it is to be putting a body And we were told that you don’t just take the I’ll come home, my daughter will be smoking time they caught us coming across the border in the ground for once instead of digging one same sound and recycle it over and over again pot and I’ll say, hey, knock that shit off! And they were really pissed. I mean, they did not out. and sell it to make money. If we were gonna she’ll say, ‘Dad you’re in TSOL!’ And I’ll say, think it was funny at all. You know, the guy sell out every record we would have made yeah – look what happened to me. And she’ll asked me, have you ever been arrested? I go, By Judge Smails and Carl Spackler would sound exactly like our first EP. That’s a say, ‘you’ve got a great life! You’re loved by ahh..a couple of times. Nothing really. sell-out to me. Coz that’s what YOU want. hundreds of people, you fuckin’ ran for Whatever. So he punches up my name and he How’s Nitro as a label? But you also won a lot of new fans… Governor, you go to prisons, you help guys, looks at me and he starts turning all fuckin’ red. That’s funny coz they’re afraid of us. That was the one thing also about our shows – you do all this shit. What’s the matter with your He looks at me and he says, ‘Do you think this We all are. anyone was welcome. We started crossing that life? Your life’s good’ is some fuckin’ joke?’ And he goes, ‘Well it’s (Laughs) I just told ‘em, you’re not coming barrier. Anyone can come. People would say, How’s everyone else in the band feel about not a fuckin’ joke! Sit the fuck down. We got a down. They had no idea what we were doing. I you wanna meet girls? Go to a TSOL show. touring these days? deportation here.’ They informed that I’m not don’t want someone coming down there! I’m We’d get guys at our shows that were total It’s probably gonna be the last little thing we welcome, ever, in that country. And then they pretty fucking neurotic. All it takes is one guy hardcore prison guys and then you’d get nice do. It’s hard to get away from our families. It’s didn’t want us back in the United States after to say one thing when we’re laying something college students. And we tried to preach that hard to come home nowadays with only that. We were left hanging at the river between down…fuck you! I don’t wanna hear it. Leave unity. $200…a lot of people are gonna be pissed off. Windsor and Detroit. me alone. You fuckin’make the record then, I’ll What were the best Elizabethan Era costumes I worked it out once and I make about $0.69 an I have asked that Mr. Grisham be removed go work in the office. that you guys lifted from George Washington hour on tour. from the roster at Bushwood. Good day. At parties does the rest of the band still have to University? You guys take a lot of friends and family on sweep through the house… Man I had the best clothes. I had the shit man. the road with you. What’s the deal? TSOL play at CHop Suey in Seattle, WA Feb. ….and remove any knives or incendiary I had a pair of Herman Boots that somebody What’s really funny is we’ve had more people 9th devices? I stopped doing that shit. nailed an eight inch heel onto. It was like detox on tour with us than any band in the

13

Cover TheThe DirtbombsDirtbombs he Dirtbombs could not have MC: (laughs) Oh man! CC: Tickets sold swiftly so they bumped up the chosen a more appropriate price to $16. Then they moved the show here title for their latest full-length to the Commodore, which holds twice as many T people. Do you guys pay much attention to the album than “Dangerous Magical political and financial aspects of the music Noise”. Their sound is impossible biz? MC: Actually, we don’t. We have an agent who to label because they refuse commit takes care of all that. They tell us where to go to a single style of music long and I get in the van. I never actually know how enough for it to stick; encapsulating much people are paying to see us, but I’m usu- ally really offended when I find out! (laughs) many of the musical genres Detroit CC: The Dirtbombs are a bargain! Part of is famous for but especially soul, your appeal, in my opinion, is the combination of choice covers and innovative original tunes. rock and roll, funk and punk. They You guys are all over the map musically and are sooo heavy (not in a “metal” physically. Do you ever get all discombobulat- ed? sense) that it pounds your chest and MC: Nope. That’s how I’ve always played - all forces you to shake your ass. over the map. CC: Do you thrive on chaos? Much of their power is derived MC: Some people would say I do, but I never from the fact The Dirtbombs’ cur- think about it. rent lineup includes two bassists: CC: What’s more enjoyable: reinterpreting classic songs that have influenced you or the Diamond Jim and Ko Melina more obscure, contemporary punk/rock covers Zydeco (Detroit’s hardest working you do? MC: (laughs) Um... I don’t think about it that musician; in the past two years I’ve way - they’re just songs. The show’s the show. seen her play in Soledad Brothers, We just sorta pick ‘em… there’s no rhyme or reason. If there’s a song that most of us know The Von Bondies, KO and the and it’s easy for us to play, we’ll do it. There’s Knockouts & The Dirtbombs) plus no point we’re trying to get across with our selection, we just do a lot of covers. two drummers, Ben Blackwell and CC: The Gories were so raw and primal while Pat Pantano. Mick Collins (from The Dirtbombs are extremely slick and pol- the seminal punk band The Gories) ished. Was it a natural progression to go in that direction or a conscious decision? provides the heart, soul and vision MC: I wanted a band that sounded as little like of the band via vocals/fuzz guitar. The Gories as possible and still be a rock band. That was really the only aesthetic decision I He couldn’t pull off The Dirtbombs made. I wanted a band that could no way be without their contributions, but described as “garage rock”. Pretty much every- thing I’ve done [with The Dirtbombs] is to that there’s no doubt it’s HIS band. Thus end. I was literally quaking in my go-go CC: I’ve never been to Detroit but I get the impression that’s a tough city to live in. boots, so nervous I couldn’t even MC: (laughs) drink or get high (which is saying A CC: Why do you suppose Detroit is such fertile LOT) before interviewing him. ground for influential music of all genres? MC: “Cuz there’s nuthin’ else to do - that’s real- Wanna eavesdrop on our conversa- ly what it is. You either leave or pick somethin’ tion? up and start makin’ noise with it. Music is such The Dirtbombs photo: Courtesy of an easy thing to do in Detroit. That’s what it MC: We had halter-tops for a while. We don’t that’s why I chose to do it. When we first did it, boils down to. There are so many musicians currently have those, but we might bring them people - the punkers - were so mad, so I was around that it’s always easy to find people with back. like, shit! It was such an extreme reaction that By Casey Cougar common interests. It’s really ‘cuz of boredom CC: Yeah, you need stuff for the ladies! I knew I was on the right track. By making a and isolation-you end up with a lot of time on MC: (laughs) Yes we do! record of pop songs… that really torked off all CC: Hi Mick, I’m Casey. How are you? your hands. CC: What’s a bigger concern: pleasing the the punk rock people. It doesn’t change the fact MC: I’m good, how are you? CC: ...But you’ve stayed there even though diehard fans or reaching out to a new audi- that we’re this noisy, punkish art-rock band but CC: Awesome! So have you ever been to you’ve traveled a lot. ence? we cut this (new) record that sounds so different Vancouver? MC: It’s because I’ve traveled a lot that I stay MC: No. (laughs) Just being the best band we from the last one. People see us live then buy MC: Nope. And it was raining so I didn’t get a there. If I wasn’t from Detroit, I probably can be is what’s important to us. The fans our record, which sounds completely different chance to see it. wouldn’t move there but I was born and raised appreciate what we do. I’m not consciously try- from our show, which adds to the confusion: CC: Me and about 50 of my friends from there. There’s always Toronto, I suppose. ing to please anybody ‘cuz the nature of fame is people don’t know what to make of it and that’s Vancouver made the trek to Seattle to see your CC: I’ve never even been there! fleeting, as they say. There’s no point in trying what I’m goin’ for. October 2002 show at the Crocodile with the MC: (laughs) It’s really nice there. to set yourself up for an audience. We do what CC: What’s more likely to happen at a Detroit Cobras and Ko and the Knockouts. CC: It’s cheaper for Canadians to fly pretty we do and if people are willing to watch, that’s Dirtbombs show: people fainting or throwing During the show, you gave a shout-out to all much anywhere in the States or a lot of other OK by us. their undergarments at you? the Canadians. How did you know about us? countries than to fly across our huge fucking CC: This is what - The Dirtbombs 14th line- MC: (laughs) We get a lot of screamers! We’ve MC: ‘Cuz they told me. country. Way to promote unity - no wonder up? never had anyone throw underwear.… CC: Who, the promoter? Quebec wants to separate! They’re like, MC: (laughs) Yeah! CC: Are you serious? That shocks me! MC: No, people came up to me and said they “zutalor, fuck them-zey don’t understand us! CC: Since you started touring in ‘96, there has MC: It’s never happened - it’d be pretty cool if drove all the way from Edmonton… holy shit! We just want to smoke and read books!” been less member turnover. Is it a matter of it did! CC: I was shocked that you even knew what MC: (laughs) getting everyone’s planets in alignment? CC: I shoulda brought an extra pair! I can’t Edmonton was! CC: Whose Us magazine is that? MC: (laughs) There was a 3 year period where go commando, otherwise I’d throw these ones! MC: (laughs) C’mon, I live on the border of MC: Our merch girl’s. we had a really stable lineup, which was really MC: (laughs) I don’t think anyone’s ever faint- Canada, I’m practically Canadian! CC: I thought you didn’t bring any T-shirts nice. ed.… CC: A Windsorite. and stuff? CC: Are there ever any hard feelings? CC: At that Seattle show, my friend was so MC: Yeah, I’m a Windsorite as much as I’m a MC: We got sumthin’... MC: People just come and go. Most of the hard shitfaced she passed out on the front of the Detroiter, really. CC: There are rumours! Do you have feelings, they got over it! (laughs) If they stage! I was like “I’m not moving from my CC: Why did you guys bypass Vancouver on panties? don’t, tough. spot, fuck her!” Some random guy ended up that tour? MC: Do we have what? CC: Many of your original songs and covers carrying her outta there. Don’t tell her, I’m a MC: Because Tom Potter had an outstanding CC: Panties! touch on love and heartache but the presenta- really bad friend! warrant so he wasn’t allowed in the country! MC: (laughs) I’m sure there’s some around now tion remains upbeat. How do you exercise MC: (laughs REALLY hard) (laughs) that Ko’s in the band. Oh, do you mean your demons without sounding bitter? CC: So anything else you wanna tell the peo- CC: Ouch! But he’s no longer in the band? Dirtbombs emblazoned ones? MC: That’s a really good question because most ple of Vancouver? MC: Nope. He went off to do his own band. CC: Yeah! punk bands want their sound to be confronta- MC: No. (laughs) Just lookin’ forward to the CC: The show tonight was supposed to be at MC: No. tional. We decided to make the records the con- show. I don’t have anything to say. Richard’s on Richards down the street.… CC: Aww, why not? frontational part. Making a lot of loud ass CC: Nuthin’ ? MC: Yes it was. MC: It never occurred to us. songs only goes so far. If you keep changing all MC: No, not really! Read more books! CC: ...at the bargain price of $12.50 CC: How about a Dirtbra? the time, people get their noses out of joint so (laughs) Canadian.

15 Live Wires

90-minute duration, although he was showing signs of fatigue in the encores. (Note: Plans to replace with Drumming Unit 2 should not be dismissed out-of-hand.) To maximize potential profits in the future it is this board member’s opinion that Singing Unit One, who doubles as Writing Unit One, continue to compose the same three-minute radio-friendly unit ad infini- tum into the foreseeable future. Also recommended: further tie- ins with Hollywood action blockbusters, cover versions of chart hits which Nickelback TM consumers aren’t old enough to recall, and the sponsorship of leading beer and acne medicine manufacturers. -Shareholder Unit 38 Photo: smarten up energy and rabidity at the show reminded me of early 80s base- The Distillers/ Loft Six/ ment jams. They looked more like a bunch of friends banging away and having a good time rather than a bunch of bands that Crowned King @ Croation Cultural Centre, Vancouver B.C. have been living in vans for the last few weeks. Literally, tour- Tuesday December, 16 2003 ing the whole of the West Coast in less than a month, the groups showed no mercy to their fans as they screamed out song after song—and when they weren’t encouraging the audience from the front, they were the audience. -smarten up Eve 6/ Yellowcard/ Jersey @ Red’s, West Edmonton Mall, Edmonton AB Monday, January 19, 2004

This place is crazy. Is it a bowling alley? Is it a pool hall? What the fuck? Bewildered as I am, it’s only upon seeing the sign for the ‘Rumpus Room’, that I fully understand why every hip Edmontonian scenester is so deeply ashamed of Red’s. Sadly, Strapping Young Lad’s Devin Townsend misinformation prevented me from witnessing Jersey, (a hither- Photo: Luvena Ella Vader to semi-respectable, if somewhat average, street-punk outfit) making their shopping mall debut. Still, if they wanna swap Strapping Young Lad/ Three credibility for cash, that’s their business. They won’t be the last. Inches of Blood/ The Heavils Yellowcard have a violinist. For this, I am thankful, as it’s only the highly humorous spectacle of the feckless fiddler striking @Commodore Ballroom, Vancouver, B.C. ‘punk rock’ poses whilst playing a violin, that gets me thru their Friday, January 16, 2004 insipid, squeaky clean, pop-punk shtick. Yellowcard’s vocalist looks so young, that I half expect his mother to drag him off- Straight outta Rockford, Illinois, the Heavils took immediate stage by the ear, scolding him for being out on a school night. command of the rapidly filling Commodore with the givin’er- And just while we’re on the subject, why was this billed as an shit style of a backyard party. The singer had a toilet seat gui- ‘all-ages’ show? As I surrender my floor-space to a plague of tar complete with a dangling roll of tp. The other guitarist also nauseating adolescents for the umpteenth time, it occurs to me dabbled in custom axes with a right/left double-necked thing that I must be the only person here over 25. It seems that being that dude from Cheap Trick wishes he thought of. They kept it long-term carriers of the pretty-boy punk virus precludes Eve 6 chunky and stompy with a wide variety of sub-styles. At from full-blown commercial success. A tad unfair perhaps, moments they were bluesy, then all proggy and funky without given their infinite superiority to the Good Charlottes or Simple ever losing sight of the heavy metal shoreline. Damn good fun! Plans of this world. There’s a creeping, Gothic-y, undercurrent Returning heroes Three Inches of Blood stepped out into a storm to Max Collins’ vocal delivery that affords Eve 6’s melodic of adoration from the hometown crowd. Devil horns reached MTV rock just a sliver of individuality. out to the sky as the metal hungry masses were rewarded with -David Lawrence spiked leather armbands, dueling leads, and falsetto squeals, as legends of Horesemen, Dark Kingdoms, and scary Lighthouse

keepers were set to a NWBHM frenzy. Remember the 80’s? Photo: Luvena Ella Vader Iron Maiden! Judas Priest! Krokus! They’re ALL here! Nickelback The Distillers Strapping Young Lad was fucking godlike! One of the top five @GM Place, Vancouver, BC live metal bands ever! The intensity level was on constant Friday January 23, 2004 increase as the band and audience just kept feeding off one Well, this was a weird show for me to review, since I remember sharing the stage with The Distillers on some Warped Tour dates another. The pit stretched halfway to the back of the venue and Letter to the Stockholders: even boiled over the railings at the front. Hundreds of voices when their first album came out. Back then, both bands were drawing less curious and less devoted crowds than this sold-out sang along with every word at all times. The band attacked the We here at Nickelback Inc. are pleased to report that the gener- crowd and a Gollum-like Devin Townsend glowered and charis- all-ages show. So, to keep my jadedness in check, I brought al assembly Friday night at General Motors Place January 23 along my 12-year-old niece who, like most young girls, just dis- matically stalked his way back and forth across the stage. Gene was one of the most profitable ventures to date. Company rep- Hoglan’s drumming sounded like he had 8 limbs and he still covered the Distillers on their second effort, Sing Sing Death resentatives presented its latest product to more than13,000 House. Opening, Vancouver’s Crowned King, was a pretty found time to twirl sticks, yawn, and make it look easy. This is appreciative consumers. These consumers, the majority of truly evolved metal, going from pile driver to food-processor edgeless mainstream radio band trying to tell us how they could whom occupy the valuable 14-28-year-old demographic, bring the power back to the streets and how they had a song that and back in the blink of an eye. Where only heaviness matters, responded with a resounding show of faith in the company’s SYL are the current masters. Cameras were rolling, so look for you couldn’t hear on the radio— lest the station would die. We adherence to the formula which has driven up stocks to the point both found these statements unbelievable and figured if given a DVD of this show. where Nickelback Inc. has become one of the fastest-growing -J. Pee Patchez the right push, they’d be all over the radio and we’d change the and most lucrative businesses in B.C. Those board members channel. Next up, a change in the channel, as Loft Six came on who expressed concern earlier that the company’s investment of and reminded me of an angry Pixies/Nirvana fronted by Johnny thousands of dollars in flashpots, dry ice and fire effects have Rotten and I actually really enjoyed their set. My niece said that Hardcore Mayhem only to regard the graph (see fig. 1) which shows that, far from even though she isn’t into the whole screaming constantly thing, @James Bay Community Center, Victoria B.C. being an unnecessary addition to the overall presentation, the Friday, Jan 9th, 2004 she agreed they were better and more believable than Crowned pyrotechnics helped reinforce identification with the Nickelback Queen. Finally, it was the moment all the kinder gentler punks TM brand and further enhanced the belief amongst consumers Let 5 liters of enraged vocals, 25 ml of obnoxious riffs and 50 were waiting for. As the Distillers hit the stage, teenagers that they had experienced an actual rock concert event. (Con- screamed, “I love you Brody” and “Brody, you’re so hot!” The gallons of mad foot stomping coalesce in a little barrel of laughs sumers polled as they stopped to buy $35 Nickelback Inc. T- called the James Bay Community Center and you’ve got your- band played most of the material from the last two albums and shirts confirmed this belief.) The same could also be said for the barely touched the first LP, which I still prefer. My niece sang self some un-pasteurized Hardcore Mayhem. The all-ages show relatively minor amount invested in several flats of Molson featured five of the top straightedge hardcore bands from the along to all the songs and the kids slammed and I came to the Canadian beer product, which Singing Unit One dispensed after realization that even though the Distillers now lean more over to East, the West and the South. asking the time, and responding with the answer: “It’s beer Members of Vancouver’s Blue Monday brought the rock side of things than the punk, to my niece and rest of the o’clock!” Guitar Playing Units 1 and 2 kept interaction with crowd, it was like when I first witnessed Joan Jett or Suzi Quatro together the likes of Boston’s Mental, Maryland’s Desperate consumers to a minimum. This practice allowed them to engage Measures, Texas’s Far From Breaking and local Island punks, and hey, that ain’t a bad thing for the kids to like at all!! in Nickelback TM brand’s standard “maximum riffage TM” - Billy Hopeless Tough as Nails. which, in its overwhelming volume and repetition, further This brand of puritanical booze-free punk music has enhanced the illusion of a rock concert experience for con- gained a strong following as of lately and I can see why. The sumers. Drumming Unit 1’s beat rarely faltered in the concert’s

16

Off The Record songs enhancing the experience? It’s embar- song six, however, things start to take on a rassing. Too bad for Austria’s Belphegor the humdrum tone but then the best track on the Watch Them Die rest of us have evolved, cuz their music is album, “Blood to Walk,” kicks in and every- wicked-bad. thing is alright in the world. Horror buffs and J. Pee Patchez fans of humorously dramatic metal will be stoked on The Puppet Master, but if you’re not Watch Them Die into songs about marionettes, stay the hell s/t away! Century Media -Jason Schreurs You never had a perm or wore snakeskin boots Leeroy Stagger outside your tight pants. You even avoided Dear Love Bermuda shorts. Later, you refused to dread Sad Boy your hair or turn yer ball cap backwards. You also think keyboards are a little fruity, and King This CD sounds Diamond should be the only one in face-paint. like what would You miss that rare spine tingle of actually being have happened if scared by a metal album. Well, Watch Them Linda had dumped Die is one of those unlikely records. The pro- Paul or Yoko had duction has this classic 80s’ warmth to it, as dumped John before the Beatles broke up: A eciding to publish a chief in his own office. What recording humbles you opposed to the tinny, protooled affairs of late. whole album full of pop songs about heart- piece of writing that Blinded by rage, Mack just every time It is very punk in terms of attitude and lyrics, break—And hey, I’d rather listen to Ddefames Sir Elton kept screaming “NO ONE you hear it but musical influences are McCartney, Lennon, or Stagger gently weep John was not easy. Still, we talks about my piano man and why? found in the graves of than either of those birds sing . here at Nerve are adamantly that way. King of your own “Fall From black metalers like -Billy Hopeless opposed to censorship of any music empire, my ass. Now Grace” and Venom, the mean streets of kind. However, printing the give me V.’s number, you “Sadist the Cro-Mags, and vintage Mickey DeSadist article is one thing but break- useless piece of publishing Ways” [I Bay Area thrash/speed. (A Forgotten ing it to Adrian Mack is quite shit! guess I That’s not to say they’re a Rebel) another. No one could have should gratuitous throwback, far Welcome To my predicted the brute force he What group does Watch have speci- from it. This project is Basement would employ when Badly Them Die never want to be fied classic because it pushes Amp records Damaged tried holding him compared to? recordings the art form. back from calling the lead I can’t answer this with out other than -J. Pee Patchez singer for Watch them Die, talking shit on other bands, your own. Just hearing Pat V. Mack ripped the and that is something we try Music Mikey’s sarcastic- phone out of Damaged’s not to do. But if you’re forc- Ed.]. I asshole-playing-Romeo voice always put a hands and flung him out of ing me to answer this ques- think they best deliver the smile on my face. What we got here are some the way like he was snatching tion, I will say Elton John. sound we were trying to Bayside songs old, some songs new, and some songs to a purse from an old lady with achieve and the direction we Sirens and leave you black and blue. Mr. DeSadist woos us a bad hip. Damaged fell to On your dream bill, who were trying to go. Condolences with some of his earliest stabs at romance “Oh the ground and just sobbed, would your band be sand- Victory Records girl” and a few new flings like “Hawaii on “Adrian, you broke my finger wiched between? What kind of influence has Welfare”, and “All That Glitters” and a few nail, why don’t you like me?” SLAYER and KREATOR. Elton John had on your You know a genre choice covers (G.G. Allin’s “Scumfuck This only seemed to incite music? has run its course Tradition” and Pee Wee King’s “Tennessee our star writer as he proceed- Worst gig ever? None and we’d like to keep it when new groups Waltz”). My favourite lyric on this piece of crap ed to give Damaged the boots We played a show in that way, no offence to begin to emulate once again—- this despite a Pittsburgh and we got paid $9 “Elton”. majestry is “I remember sharing needles and bands that were listening to the Beatles”— true poetry from one new company policy that not to play. That was by far never that good in the first place. Take for strictly forbids contributors the worst one. -Sarah Rowland of Canada’s forgotten rebels! example, Bayside – A New York based quartet –Billy Hopeless from beating the editor-in- whose emotional approach to punk-rock sounds Alice Cooper by Rage Against the Machine guitarist Tom obscenely similar to Chicago’s Alkaline Trio. Moonspell The Eyes of Alice Morello, the music is clean, melodic punk with Not to say that AT are anything to scoff at, but The Antidote Cooper a crisp bite to it. The sound is all-ages and the isn’t there someone better to rip-off? Bayside’s Century Media Eagle Records lyrical content, though politically sophisticated, songs are a little fuller owing much to an addi- is PG-accessible. The Terror State will appeal tional guitar, but if you didn’t know any better Beginning as an Just in case you to angst-ridden kids and their sell-out parents, you would think this was a side-project for The eccentric black/death either skipped my who will appreciate the ‘69 sentiment in the Trio’s Matt Skiba. To be fair, there is some very metal hybrid, column this issue or Woodie Guthrie cover, “Post-War Breakout”. good material here and I might not leave the Portugal’s just need further The packaging, complete with essays to support room if they were playing, but I can’t help Moonspell have encouragement, once again I am going to tell the lyrics, is swank enough to dissuade down- thinking that I’ve heard this all before. This, my blossomed—or wilted, depending on your you to buy this album!! Classic Alice Cooper loading. friends, is why emo was pronounced dead back POV—into a dark gothic rock act in a meta- rock ‘n’ roll from the opening track, “What do -J. Pee Patchez in 1999 – and if you’re going to try and ride it morphosis similar to that of labelmates Tiamat. You Want from Me”, to the eerie “This House out, you should follow Joan of Arc’s lead by They’ve carved out a unique sound over the Belphegor fucking things up art-school style. course of their career, mostly due to frontman is Haunted” to the idiot genius of “The Song Lucifer Incestus that Didn’t Rhyme”. It’s so good to hear the -Adam Simpkins Fernando Ribeiro’s instantly recognizable low- Napalm Records but-nasal tone of voice. He alternates this style Coop come back so strong after a string of King Diamond with powerful demonic growls for the choruses. weak albums. The single “Novocaine” is my #1 The Puppet Master Technically speak- Bass duties are handled competently by guest hook/addiction of 2003!! Metal Blade ing, this album is Niclas Etelavuori from Amorphis. A couple –Billy Hopeless Records fucking crazy. cool extras come with the enhanced portion of Anti-Flag Relentless hyper- the CD including, a video for “Everything The Terror State The man who start- blast beats, in-yer- Invaded” and to tie in with the album’s concept, Fat Wreck Chords ed the face paint face production and there’s a full e-book version of Antidote by metal trend is back flawless execution of extremely fast and inde- Portuguese author Peixoto. The Antidote is a Not only is war good with another com- structible music. Elements of death, gore, and recording of beauty and darkness, and the beau- for gunsmiths, it plicated, eerie concept album. This time it’s a black metal are present for those as into sub- ty in darkness. gives music a kick in gruesome tale of a puppet show gone terribly genres as our dance-happy opposites. In terms -Matt Smith the ass, too. In this of overall sound, this is, as they say, the shit. wrong in 18th century Budapest (I mean, real- day of state media Not one slow boring second. Lucifer Incestus ly, where does the King come up with this Myopia control, the minstrel becomes the voice of the not only respects the sanctity of heavy music, it shit?). As with most Diamond albums, the Dancing On people. Philly’s Anti-Flag takes the unreported builds upon it. Now for the downside: What is libretto is more interesting than the tunes, Landmines truth to the streets with the determination of a it about metalheads in particular that feel it’s although his band seems more amped-up than CDN Records clench-fisted kid standing up to a bully. The their duty to announce to the world that they are on the last couple of studio albums. King’s album starts with “Turncoat”, an ode to sexually corrupt? With music this good, why vocals are still in top form, as those high- You might want to American raptivist G-Dub. From there, the are misogynistic fantasies of abusing women a pitched, glass-breaking wails transform into the call a buddy and let band continues with a message that makes matter of subject? How are the sounds of our more standard metal growl. When it comes to them know where Noam Chomsky sound like Dr. Phil. Produced mothers and sisters being raped in between range, this guy is among the best. By about you are before you

18 Off The Record press play on this one. It will make locating receiving mainstream attention and being your body much easier. This is a very well judged for it. A good 22 solid minutes of quali- produced skull-pummeling of grind/gore metal ty punk and a very worthwhile buy at that. that switches pace between deliberate steam- -Aaronoid engine chugging and explosive blasts of speed. The Cokes Subject matter includes, but is not limited to; First Album suicide, Satan, various activities involving bod- Wizzard in Vinyl ily excretions, and most frightening of all, pro- The Evaporators Americanism. Yipes! Songs are separated by, Although I am a and peppered with, violent samples such as gun huge fan of blasts, evil laughter, and the bleating cries of Japanese rock ‘n’ barnyard indiscretions. Vocals erupt like blood roll, this CD just from the neck-stump of a freshly decapitated seems to lack the pig that is on the other side of an industrial fan passion that I normally associate with great and being jabbed in the hoop with a red-hot rock ‘n’ roll. First Album has the songs and the poker. And that’s a good thing. hooks to be great and I do hear the potential of J. Pee Patchez the Cokes, as they remind me of the Stiv Rocket from the Bators’ Beatle-esque Disconnected and LALA Tombs records. I just hope that they’re a bit rawer and ometimes the toughest inter- would later reveal the imprint of band from 1965) Rocket Redux more energetic sounding live. views are with people that Adrian Mack’s Dayton on our Worst gig ever? Smog Veil Records -Billy Hopeless Sare used to asking the ques- fearless leader’s cheek.) Doctors Brownies, New York, 1994. We The Evaporators tions. Knowing Nardwuar the say that Damaged’s jaw will be had to go on after the Demolition Although seeing/ Human Serviette’s reputation as a wired up for another six weeks, Ripple Rock Doll Rods and Speedball Baby. hearing this band take-no-prisoners kind of journalist, which gives us a break from him Not only did the crowd leave Nardwuar/Mint/Alternative Tentacles play all the classics we put together a team of our most roaming around the office dressed when we came on, but so did the live was one of my aggressive reporters to ambush the up in his rented Julius Caesar cos- promoter with the little money he Already a credit to the Dominion for his feats of highlights last year, I really wish these guys Evaporators frontman. tume and declaring “I am king of was going to pay us! gonzo journalism, Nardwuar the Human would have put out an album of new songs Unfortunately, our media scrum my own musical empire”. The Serviette can rock the mike onstage, as well as instead of re-recording the hits. Nevertheless, I turned ugly when Badly Damaged other good news is that the specta- What recording humbles you up in the faces of world leaders and rock stars. guess Rocket Redux will tie me over until they got towed under the stampede and cle of a bloodied Damaged crying every time you hear it and why? This is wild, manic garage rock executed with do— After all, it only fell in a day, but it took a was nearly trampled to death, leav- “I told Mack specifically not to The ‘Vancouver Complication’LP amazing dexterity. Nardwuar shrieks bit longer to build the Roman Empire! wear his shit-kickers to press con- from 1979. So many great toons and squeaks funny/stupid/smart stories -Billy Hopeless ferences anymore!” caught by bands like The Pointed Sticks, about cheese, testicles, and of course, Nardwuar off guard long enough K-Tels, Subhumans, Dishrags, The Speedealer Campbell River. The music is twangy to answer a few of my questions. Shades… the list goes on. Maybe Bleed and punk-fast, played with Rush-like someday this will come out on Dead Teenager complexity and precision. It’s also What group do you never want CD. Records funny as hell without being crass or the Evaporators to be compared gimmicky. Extras include massive to? Is Snoop’s breath as bad as it Like Motörhead, liner notes, audio interview clips, a Actually, we would be honoured looks? Slayer or Zeke, you bonus EP by Thee Dublins and a huge to be compared to anyone! Snoop was drinking Sprite when I either like enhanced portion for the computer-box talked to him (check out the inter- Speedealer or you including, 3 rock videos and several of On your dream bill, who would view at nardwuar.com if you are don’t. And they really don’t give a shit either Nardwuar’s infamous interviews. your band be sandwiched bored) so I didn’t notice a thing. I way ‘cause they’re Speedealer, so Fuck You! Members of The New Pornographers, between? do know he likes Captain Crunch -Billy Hopeless Superconductor, The Smugglers, The Squires (Neil Young’s first cereal though! Zumpano and Cub play on the album as well. ing his face looking like regurgitat- band from 1963) and The Rockin’ The Business Oh yeah, it’s also available on 8-track. ed Purina Dog Chow. (X-rays Vicars (Lemmy from Motorhead’s -Sarah Rowland Hardcore Hooligan -J. Pee Patchez BYO can be admired, but the riffs are generic and Well, what more can The Hard-Ons now be heard in a beer commercial, so maybe lifeless and the drummer and bass player are so one say about The Very Exciting The Toasters will become a household name low in the mix that I don’t think they have to Business? They’re Bomp after all (and rightly so). be legally paid. This stuff is bloody slow and one of England’s -Jason Schreurs gloomy. If you are of the crushed-velvet, fun- finest hard working Holy shit, what’s The Spinoffs fang, pale-face ilk, these tunes make a fitting Street Punk outfits, doing their thing since what going on here? Very Straight Leather soundtrack by which to brood. The career seems like the beginning of time and have Exciting is a crazy Jacket path of AFI was successful, so then there is no gained legendary status for good reason. cacophony of good- Amp Records reason why this record should not find it’s However, I’ve always felt that The Business ness! From tracks audience. It just isn’t a HEAVY metal audi- material from the last decade was the best, like the Jesus and Mary Chain sounding melod- Ben Weasel once ence. which is what the majority of this concept-style ic drone of “Sunny” to “Punk Police” to blasts said that if it wasn’t -J. Pee Patchez compilation has. Aside from the remake of the of the death metal, the Hard-Ons have gone out on a limb and have me climbing up and down for the Ramones, 80’s classic “Saturday’s Heroes” we’re given there wouldn’t have v/a recent tracks such as “Viva Bobby Moore”, this album like a squirrel on Hastings Street! I like it, but then again, I’m always impressed by been a Screeching Weasel. The Spinoffs would Zombie Night in “Guinness Boys”, “Maradona”, “Southgate definitely agree and this album is definite Canada (Euro 96)”, as well as other recent hits. the art of the mentally unstable! -Billy Hopeless recorded proof. I love both the Ramones and Stumble Records Predictably, most of songs share one thing in Screeching Weasel. Thus, I love the Spinoffs. common: English style Football subject matter. The Toasters 1-2-3-4 rock ‘n’ roll!!! This is a great introduction to any newcomer In Retrospect -Billy Hopeless A Canadian compi- and an overall great compilation. Stomp Records lation of horror -Aaronoid Tiamat themed Rockabilly: Prey The Unseen These New Yorkers, The Deadcats - a Century Media more monstrous mash, The Sin-Tones - more Explode now in their 23rd fun than Satanism, Big John Bates – best BYO year of keeping the Frankenstein song ever, The Gutter Demons – kids skankin’, are Into their 14th year, furious gritty lowdown, The Farrel Bros.- As one of the leading so contagiously Tiamat has never pluckin’AND grinnin, Flesh - No Doubty pro- acts in the new breed tuneful, so impressively talented at what they stayed in one musi- gabilly, The Matadors - kinder gentler Misfits, of American charged do, even non-fans of the white man’s reggae cal place for too The Fever Breaks – drunk zombies RULE, punk, this East Coast will appreciate them. In Retrospect is a collec- long, making them The Brains - rattletrap speedabilly, The powerhouse contin- tion of the best Toasters songs from the past very difficult for fans to peg down. They Astrobillys - tasteful surfy element, KC & The ues the momentum for their second BYO full- two decades, and it’s just one excellent tune began very death-metal heavy and evolved into Moonshine Band - Addams Family creepiness, length. The release opens with the track “False after another. “Thrill Me Up” is probably the a moody, atmospheric, artsy sort of affair, shed- Hope”, which looks at the redundancy and best; it’s got the kind of chorus that should have ding the shredding for acoustic fingerpicking, inevitability of “punk” culture. The subject been all over the airwaves. Actually, their tune and harsh vocals for groaning and crooning. matter of “So Sick of You” is about a band “I’m Running Right Through the World” can The fact that they are not afraid to take chances More CD Reviews Over

19 Off The Record The Alley Dukes - old school purists, Cadillac for the upcoming Turks documentary. This disc Bill & The Creeping Bent - leather pants? is a searing punk rock requiem for all those New Bomb Turks Hello, PETA..., Bloodshot Bill - cheeky mini- who morn the loss of the mighty Turks. malist folkabilly, WrekDefy - loud with blazing -the Sidewinder solos, Screamin’ Black Cadillacs - classy Endless croonin’, Howlin’ Hound Dogs authentic clas- Decade of sic billyness, Night Stalkers – rabble rousing Obscurity gallop, Buzz Deluxe - neat clean cool, Da’Core Records Hellbound ‘71 - barbrawl soundtrack, The Swingin’ Blackjacks - grab a partner, Rosekill – NYC Hardcore. Valentines meets Halloween, Attic Daddy - NYC Hardcore. twangsome humour, The Rowdymen – tight NYC Hardcore from and VERY rowdy, Crazy Rhythm Daddies - sax Pittsburgh. enhanced Everything you’d expect from a ripping hard- -J. Pee Patchez core band, scorching riffs, lots of tempo New Bomb Turks changes and throaty Agnostic Front style Switchblade Tongues Butterknife Brains vocals. Definitely not gonna pick up ANY Gearhead Records chicks at an Endless gig. -Jono Jak Answers courtesy of lead singer seafood. Ugh. cool too. It is amazing how so 40 Watt Domain Eric Davidson What recording humbles you You should- many bands who have every time you hear it and why? n’t have to Shortwave What group do the New Bomb Prince’s “Dirty Mind.” He’s fuck- worry about called it quits still manage Gaki Records Turks never want to be com- ing Prince, the motherfucker good music to keep pumping out pared to? wrote, recorded, sang everything, in a country material year after year. This album kicks off Any, and I mean any, “punk” and it was all so fine. Plus he’s that offers so Usually these releases with some heavy band from the American west hilarious. Oh, and the Saints first much. I’ve consist of outtakes, guitar, which makes coast, specifically California. I 2 records, because that’s god- used music remixes, covers and challenge anyone to name one damn R’n’R. And a long way mainly as a you go..” Hey, this tracks previously released great, important, influential band from California. And Otis way to alle- might be okay “, from California. And I mean a Redding’s entire recorded output. viate all the on ultra rare limited Then the singing hits and you go, “ Aw, that's band with ALL indigenous And “Fuck ‘Em All” from the bullshit of release 7-inches. Well this too bad, but it’s still listenable”, Next song Californians. Crime and The Geto Boys. being an offering is no exception, starts and you think, “Shit, Blink 182.” From Weirdoes are the only ones I’ve American. but hey, this is the New here it just slides into 1990’s cover band hell. come up with, and they’re not Favourite beats coming out of You guys Bomb Turks we are talk- $0 Watt Domain timidly dips its big toe into that important. the WCR scene (Western have it good. ing about here! Myself being a long time fan of Canadian Region)? Oh, and there’s this girl I every possible genre of lame music. It tries its On your dream bill, who would The Starvations, who actually are made out with on a Sunday the the legendary Columbus, Ohio punk rock jug- hand at everything from Infectious Grooves your band be sandwiched an incredibly great all L.A. band, last time I was in Vancouver. I gernaut, I did not mind having to feed off the type crap to believe it or not, Limp Bizit between? though only time will tell if lost touch with her. She was pret- audio table scraps. Much to my pleasure these garbage. This stinks so bad, not even some well Rose McGowan and Gloria they’re important. But man, do ty nuts, but pretty nonetheless. If “scraps” did not leave me wanting. Granted placed dj scratching can save it. P.U Graham. they rule right now. The Cuts be she’s reading this, I hope you’re there are only 7 originals out of 16 tracks they -Jono Jak cool too! Doh, you said doing well. Thanks for the mem- all stand up well with “Bad for Me” a stand- Worst gig ever? Canadian, not California. Sorry, ories.... out. The two Devil Dogs covers included are a Working at Friendly’s serving don’t know any, though I liked -Sarah Rowland “mushroom” burgers and fake The Spitfires. The Chickens were treat. The enhanced CD also includes a trailer

20 Opinion Ití s Raininí M e n MARCH OR DIE! MUCH ATALL! You know why! Because col- By Ainsworth lectors with a sense of self-respect are present- on’t do what this article tells you! In ing into the future market a copy of Boytoy in fact don’t even read it. It should never mint condition. But I don’t believe a magazine Dhave been written. I’m sorry it was or paper empherial can ever truly be mint. I ever written. There was no need for it at all. My take every imperfection seriously. So, put mother always said, she was a quaker, that you Boytoy in a Mylar bag. Seal it hermetically and shouldn’t make anything unless it was needed pull your strings to a dvd instead. A dvd version and functional, but if you needed it, you should of Boytoy. at least make it nice. It’s a really good idea, as your col- Everybody’s done it. Walked right lection grows, to familiarize yourself with with into an adult-themed “shop”, waddled fatly up condition grading standards. Comic-book jerks to the counter, and ordered, in a voice that have spent the better part of three decades ham- mering these guidelines into a catechism that could break open Heaven itself…. literature. anymore. Find your own answer. not even God would violate. I don’t really care, “One sack of pornography, please.” Very Fine: It’s getting tedious now. This book Now, the legal stuff.... myself, so I’ll just run through what I think is “And why not? It’s everywhere!” is a little bit better than a Fine book, I don’t Being the depiction in photos (or, in Canada, in the way it works. I read about it from some replies the vendor, bending under the counter care anymore. No tears, I guess, a bit of stain- accordance with Tariff Code 9956, a written comic-book reading idiot’s comic book intranet for your prize.… ing and yellowing. This is stupid, all the time description or narrative) of “acts” of an adult or thing. It was hard work, but here is the result. No, it’s not. Youth-oriented fagplay people waste with collecting things for invest- reproductive nature or suckjobs as performed digests are hard to find, like emeralds. The ment they could be working at a real job and by humans under the age of whatever it is, Good: A misnomer. Your copy of Boytoy is a problem is all you readers have fantasy and make real money, which can be used to make eighteen are illegal So, this is important, even diseased ruin. No investment value. A reading reality mixed up. It’s not fair. real investments in commodities... All I’m say- if the photograph is eighteen years old, ie: copy. Boytoy in this condition would be all Anyway, when collecting paper- ing, think twice before you abuse yourself with developed in 1986 (Jesus Christ, it’s a cut-off fucked up with tears, a “rolled spine”, whatev- based collectables, or “emphera”, there is one a Very Fine copy of Boytoy. date of 1986 now. I remember when it was er the hell that is, or stains, whatever. important rule: condition is everything. You see 1974. This was before Nair for Men, of course. that copy of Boytoy under your mattress. Look Near Mint: Almost perfect copy of Boytoy. Queers knew their place when I was a boy. That Fine: Mathematically, this is a step up from at it. Look at it, damn you! Cover separating Minor imperfections keep it from being an would have been 1992) it doesn’t change good. It’s still a battered copy of Boytoy, with from the magazine, a small lateral tear, 3/4 of utterly perfect copy of Boytoy. I’ll bet it’ll be things. age wear, small nicks and internal tearing an inch, frequent dog-earing, stains; I won’t worth a lot of money in the future, in Star Trek allowed. The spine must be tight. Some pen talk about that distasteful episode. You know days. Cocksucker. Remember, folks.... March or Die! what your copy of Boytoy is gonna be worth in marks. Minor staining allowed. (How the cun- tery fuck can you tell a minor stain from an twenty years and you’ll be regarded as a brave Mint: I reckon you’ll never see a copy of intermediate stain? HOW? It didn’t say.) This persecuted boy lover? It won’t be worth very Boytoy in Mint Condition. Why? I don’t care is not an investment quality piece of youthfag

21 Coloumn The Joys of Being Unemployed By Michael Mann it pays more than eight dollars an hour. have human resources departments. If you have no job security as they don’t even have to Every day you can diligently look work in a human resources department please go to the trouble of firing you as when your eing unemployed has its perks. Starting online at Monster.com and read the classifieds roll this magazine up and whack yourself in the contract expires they can simply choose not too at noon, you can watch three episodes of your daily rag of choice but no good places head as it will save me the time of tracking you renew it. In plain English, it’s like dating a Bof Star Trek in a row on TV. First it’s are ever advertising that they’re hiring. The down, finding out where you live and doing it frigid girl who claims to be a virgin but really The Next Generation, followed by Deep Space only places that ever advertise that they’re hir- myself. If you’ve never dealt with a human isn’t. Nine, then Voyager. It’d make sense if the orig- ing are multinational chains (like Starbucks or resources department, their job is basically to Because there’s so few good jobs and inal Star Trek was on at 11 AM but you’ll have The Gap) and telemarketing companies. At prevent you from getting a job. They’re a com- so many people, prospective employers are to consult your TV Guide for the 411 on that as Starbucks and The Gap they deprive you of pany’s first line of defense to keep you from asking a lot of people entering the workforce to I don’t get up that early. Being unemployed sleep by making you work long shifts that can talking to anyone who may be able to hire you. work for free. They call them internships but also has its downside. As you lay awake in bed start as early as 5am. They try to brainwash you Though they’re called human really it’s just slave labor. You apply to them at night you wonder why it’s so hard to get a by forcing you to watch mind numbing training resources, they’re very far from being human, like they’re hiring for a paid job. You get an decent job. The only way to make these videos, make you adopt their language and do as they’re soulless inhuman robots. If a mental interview and try to sell yourself to them. After thoughts pass is to relive past sexual experi- grueling repetitive work. So these places are picture of Data from Star Trek just popped into the interview you make the mandatory call ences and play with yourself. But if you aren’t basically like cults except they won’t be forcing your head, think again, as they aren’t like Data. back a couple days later. You plead and you beg like me in the need to constantly gratify your- you to commit suicide until they invent an Even though Data couldn’t feel emotion until and you pretty much bust your ass for the priv- self before you go to bed, thoughts of why it’s espresso machine that works by itself or an he got the emotion chip from his brother Lor, he ilege of being able to work for free. Most places so difficult to find a decent job may keep you automated folding machine that can tell you was at least helpful. The image that should be won’t even toss you a couple hundred bucks a awake. that your ass doesn’t look fat in those jeans. in your head is the heartless, crushing-human- month to cover the cost of lunches and trans- From grade one onward it’s drilled Then there’s telemarketing. Which is skulls-with-their-metal-feet killing machines portation to get to your internship. After you’ve into us that if we work hard in school, we’ll be basically the fast food of office jobs. Land one from Terminator. They don’t want to help you. done your four-month internship you’re rewarded with a good life. If we slack off and of these jobs and you’ll end up a) selling bonds They just want to see you dead. Okay, maybe released into the work force with four months spend all our days getting drunk, smoking pot, to old people in Texas or b) trying to give peo- it’s not that bad but these people certainly don’t of valuable work experience on your resume. playing video games and masturbating, we’ll ple a free trip to Palm Desert or c) trying to get give two shits if you eat, have a nice place to So what this means is you just got owned be utter failures and work for minimum wage people to donate to a charity. live or a $150 gorilla costume that’d you’d like because you’ve been working as a volunteer for for the rest of our miserable pathetic lives until People often lament that the best jobs to buy so you can walk around downtown the last four months and haven’t even scored we eventually kill ourselves. Well, I did pretty are never advertised. I’m assuming this is true Vancouver and freak out the straights. yourself a free meal so thanks for nothing. good in school and I work pretty hard. In fact, because I rarely read in the paper about some “Human” resources workers favorite saying is: This is the end and normally the part I even ended up with a degree. Granted, I can’t place I’d like to work hiring. Once in a blue We’re not hiring at the moment but we have of the article where I’d offer up some universal build a website, but I can do lots of cool stuff. moon a good place that you’d like to work at your resume on file and will call you if some- truth that would solve all your job finding SO WHERE THE FUCK IS MY JOB finally advertises that they’re hiring you submit thing that you’re qualified for opens up. It’s woes. Sadly, I have none and anything I’d tell ALREADY? a resume and cover and they say: Don’t call us, total bullshit. You will never hear from these you would simply be the blind leading the I’m getting to the point where I’m only those selected for an interview will be con- people again. blind. So it’d be much appreciated if someone willing to work on Christmas at an advertising tacted. This means you’re never going to hear If you manage to fight your way who knows what the fuck’s up could give me agency whose clients are a company that makes from these people ever again. through the human resources department and some advice. clubs to kill baby seals and a manufacturer of Regardless if the job is advertised or land yourself a job you’ll be given a contract. stun guns for guards at sweat shops so long as not, all the good places that you’d like to work You aren’t staff and you get no benefits and you

Etc... Found! HEY! This is the part where we rip off what many other magazines have done and print shit that people like you find on the street everyday. SO, start pick- ing up other people’s garbage and send it to us! FOUND! c/o The Nerve Magazine, 508 - 825 Granville St., Vancouver, B.C., V6Z 1K9 Each month we’ll pick a couple submissions and then send you a mystery prize!

BELOW: Ever forget to pick up your pic- tures from the developer? They don’t keep them forever, you know. This little gem was part of a series “discovered” in the dumpster behind the Kodak on Granville (Vancouver) by M. Mann.

ABOVE: As a carryover form last issue’s dirty sound- ing product names. I think it speaks for itself. (Sent in by Angela Perkin)

22 Skate aatteeSSp SSkk poot Photo: Courtesy of Pacific Press Rachel Davis 1980-2004 n January 3rd, Vancouver lost a very similar in terms of the social ills we see grow- special individual, a family lost a ing. Will the next person who wants to get Odaughter and sister, and our skateboard- involved to save a life think twice, afraid for ing community lost one of its own. Rachel their own well being, and be forced to walk by? Davis died in the act of trying to save a life; Hopefully not, because we need more brave and many have said she died the same way she lived caring people like Rachel, not fewer. - with courage, strength and compassion. The There are several memorials being con- coverage is now all but out of the media, but sidered to honour Rachel’s memory. A tree will many people are still attempting to put the be planted at Seylynn skatepark for her, where pieces of the puzzle in place, asking questions the Bowl Series begins each year, and a place and trying to make sense of it all. One thing that she was sure to be found over the summer. can be said, is that Rachel could not have done There is talk of a skatepark being named after differently; as was said at her wake, “She could her as well, and of a possible memorial such as not ration her strength. She could not tolerate a gazebo, bench or public art piece. Her parents things that insult the dignity and the light in all have set up a memorial fund to give money in of us.” Her effect on people’s lives was appar- her name to charities and causes that Rachel ent at her wake; hundreds attended. Side 67 held important. Donations to this can be made played a show in her honour that weekend and to the: a vigil was organized by friend Vaughan Nevile Sunday, January 18, at the Art Gallery. People Rachel Davis Memorial Fund brought candles to the vigil, along with some Cheques payable to: Investor’s Group (in trust) difficult questions to ask of each other and the Send to: community at large, about how and why some- Investor’s Group thing like this has happened here in Vancouver c/o Ray Wallis and what can be done to prevent it from ever Senior Account Consultant happening again. 200-1200 Lonsdale Avenue Questions were raised about the North Vancuver, BC Campbell government’s deep budget cuts, and V7M 2H6 what effect they might have on compromised security, as well as on the growing poverty and We can all think of ways to try to remember violence in the Downtown East Side and sur- Rachel, and to try to bring meaning to this rounding area. Questions about what anti-vio- incomprehensible event. The best memorial to a lence programs we have and their effectiveness. life might be more than physical plaques or Questions about the point of handguns within monuments; it might be the change in the way our city, or in Canada at all, except for hunting. we live, the ways in which we treat each other, Questions about our obsession with image and the thought we put into our choices. One thing whether people are fighting and dying simply that really stayed with me the day of the wake, from their own insecurities. There were no was something Rachel’s mother said; “Life is police around when the bars closed that night, only one day long”. or when similar incidents happened in the same We all have a choice in how we live that area this past August. Was there a shift change day. in officers that night at 4 am (bar closing time) -D-Rock and Miss Kim. email us at down- and if so, why? There are many police on [email protected]. Thanks to Vaughan Nevile for Granville Street on weekends, yet none were in organizing the vigil and raising the right ques- Gastown the night of the shooting. And finally tions. Thanks to Rachel for brightening our there were questions about our society at large lives and our roles and responsibilities within it; we often pride ourselves as Canadians on being dif- ferent from the US, yet we look increasingly 23 Film

Nerve-worthy Films New to DVD THE MUMMY RETURNS TO ROT MORVERN CALLAR & GERRY dition with their amazing version of THE MUMMY (1959) featuring Christopher Lee adorned with the proper amount of rotted zombie make-up, thus realizing the future of ‘70s zombie films to come. There are not just a few scenes in the film as Peter Cushing tries to beat down the undead wrapped monster that don’t resemble anything from Andrea Bianchi’s zombie film LE NOTTI DEL TER- RORE (1980) or even D’Amato’s “fucking” epic EROTIC NIGHTS OF THE LIVING By: Sinister Sam DEAD (1980). The aesthetic of these undead zom- he mummy genre has taken a back seat bie mummies may seem trivial, but I take a to the zombie films which seem to be strong stand for the atmosphere of these early Tso prevalent in the world of the films resulting in the aesthetic of “what the Eurotrash fan. Even straight up horror film zombies look like” in the films that followed. fans can do up a list of their top twenty zom- Anyways, here’s the historical proof! Check bie films and always find the time to excavate out this tablet I dug up on my last archaeolog- the rarest that Spain and Italy have to offer in ical dig in Egypt. I found the catacombs of the zombie film world, but what about the some fucked up old Eurotrash cave drawing good old mummy movie? One major detail rental store, and found these atmospheric ilmmakers love to go on the road. Who film, and she does a terrific job of conveying that always comes to mind for me is the mummy movie faves listed out for all to see. needs a coherent story when you can have Morvern’s aimlessness. We kind of come in at appreciation for the face rot aesthetic that we Even the Hieroglyphics worked out to match Fpanoramic vistas standing in as metaphors the end of the story in Morvern Callar, and the have always equated with the zombie film. In the names of the films! for loneliness and alienation? Morvern Callar film is more of a mood piece than anything. fact, it wasn’t really until Hammer studio’s from Lynne Ramsey and Gerry from Gus Van Morvern is the same at the end as the beginning, PLAGUE OF THE ZOM- Sant are two films new to DVD about being on and while this kind of obfuscation can be mad- BIES (1966) that the face the road and getting lost. dening, Morton manages to hold it all together. rot really began to make the Morvern Callar was adapted by Gerry is an odd experience. It seems change to the old aesthetic Ramsey from Alan Warner’s cult novel of the like there should be more to it, but I think read- of WHITE ZOMBIE (1932) same name. Samantha Morton plays Morvern ing into it too heavily will just result in brain who wakes up one post-Christmas morn to find leakage, and no one wants that. It is an incred- and I WALKED WITH A her boyfriend has killed himself and left his ible visual experience (which admittedly loses ZOMBIE (1943). What’s recently completed novel for her to find a pub- something on DVD), but those who crave a dis- really strange is the absence lisher. Morvern places her name on the novel tinctive narrative may eventually get itchy. As of charred make-up on the instead, empties her boyfriend’s bank account, Gerry and Gerry get further and further lost, faces of the zombies of and heads off for a holiday in Spain with her their relationship become stronger and things NIGHT OF THE LIVING best friend Lanna. get bleaker. It’s man against nature as the two DEAD (1968), which Gerry is even less plot-heavy than become one, and the frailty of life becomes became par for the course Morvern Callar. The film can basically be apparent. through to the early ‘90s. described in one sentence: Matt Damon and Affleck and Damon are both solid in No worries though, as this is Casey Affleck get lost in the desert. A kind of the film, and Van Sant manages to cleverly hold where the creature feature existentialist horror film, Gerry simply follows a balance between a sense of dread and a sense film fan has his/her share of the two friends (both, apparently, called Gerry) of hope. Gus Van Sant is one of our finest film- as an innocent hike turns horribly awry. makers, and what he does with the little he has history to take part in. I guess both Gerry and Morvern given himself to work with is a testament to his The earliest of the Callar could be called pretentious art movies, as skill. face rot undead scenes that they’re about as pretentious as English language Both Gerry and Morvern Callar really rings true for me is films get these days. These are ‘journey’ films, prove to be fascinating, if frustrating journeys. Boris Karloff in the original filled with long, uncut shots to emphasize that The two films may seem distant, but what they Universal THE MUMMY feeling of being lost. share is an uncanny ability to portray the ups (1932). The Universal films Of the two films, Morvern Callar is and downs of friendship through visual from that point on always more traditional. The hardest thing the follow metaphor. Once you understand where they’re had a major play in the about it is the Scottish accents. Morton, who going, it’s easier to get there. amount of monsterish face has won raves recently for films like Minority Bjorn Olson rot applied to the actors that Report and In America is the anchor for the were the walking dead. Hammer continued the tra-

24 Games EPITAPH Puzzle Page! First correct solution wins an Epitaph T-SHIRT and a copy the new THE SPE- CIAL GOODNESS album. Second correct solution wins a copy of THE SPECIAL GOODNESS and a copy of the new THE LOST PATROL album. Bring your completed puzzles to the Nerver office weekdays between noon and 5pm or you can mail them to us. Our address is 508-825 Granville St. Vancouver, BC V6Z-1K9

Serial Killers of next! OK, so, after everyone regroups, they -by Dan Scum come across a skeleton, which the professor concludes are Neanderthal remains. Soon ACROSS 1. Petrol after, they set up camp and call it a night. This 4. Actress Ryan is when things really start getting campy. 7. Better Youth Organization Maja: While everyone is asleep, these 10. Type of alarm system 13. Rhea kin (abbrv.) snake/alligator things come after them… and 14. Metallica hit the camera dude starts making these 15. What Albert Fish did to lit- “rrrrrooooargh, arrrgh!” noises. tle kids 16. Doctor’s office abbreviation Max: Then there is an earthquake and every- 17. Uncaught KILLER who one gets disoriented. Then there’s a flash for- wrote cryptic messages to the ward as Bridgette explains to the doctors that San Francisco Chronicle 21. “To love, ______, and obey they must have traveled through some sort of 23. Nike stock letters porthole, which transported them back in time. 24. Booze Maja: After the earthquake, everyone makes 25. Habitual toker 27. Lou Gehrig’s disease it out of the caves but Bridgette is traumatized 29. Hillbilly name and wants to go back inside and her “friends” 30. Dutch cheese 32. 3-fix? just abandon her and go about their merry 34. Paintings, e.g. way… 37. Molson slogan Max: Maja, you get so emotional when 39. Raved like a lunatic 43. KILLER Albert DeSalvo watching movies… You know that her wan- 47. Wes Craven thriller dimwitted accomplice Tool Martha dering off can only lead to… more sex! 48. Zappa apprentice 10. ______Village 52. Homo KILLER Jeffrey ver the holidays I was able to catch up Maja: I know, she meets up with two cave- 49. After ay and bee 11. Chicago KILLER Richard 53. Butter substitute who raped and killed eight nurs- 54. Westminster _____ on my favorite pastime… watching men who sniff her out and have some hot 50. American KILLER’s org. porn, of course! Local porn star extra- 51. “Rollin’ down tha street es 55. “Nothing runs like a _____” O primitive sex “ooga ooga” style. smokin’ ____ sippin’ on gin and 12. KILLING or shopping fol- 56. Tapestry ordinaire Maja Lee found time in her busy Max: Besides being just interested in banging juice.” lower 58. Blues Guy 54. Eden groundskeeper 18. Area 59. Type of address schedule for us to critique Lust World 2. The the hairless future girl, the cavemen are fasci- following is a play-by-play review, tag team 57. Shaq’s org. 19. Alias 61. Home Improvement Tim nated with her interesting clothes. I think it’s 60. Caesar, Greek, tossed, and 20. Loafing about 62. Built up with embankments style. odd that the cavemen have tattoos … but to chef’s 26. Dustin Hoffman role 63. Takes to the cleaners 64. French touque 28. KILLER virus variations 65. UFC KILLER Abbott get it on with two cavemen is dirty, and we 66. Brown courier 31. Pa’s partners 67. KILLED with a gun Lust World 2 like that, so I guess I’ll overlook such minor 68. Prefix meaning BLOOD 33. Sought elected office 70. Fish eggs Starring: Bridgette Kerkove, Gwen Summers, historical inconsistencies. 69. Canadian Schoolgirl 34. Type of brakes or plastic 71. KILLED John’s Yoko Jodie Moore, Sienna, Alana Evans, T.J. KILLERS 35. Mythological Maja: Meanwhile back outside, the first girl 72. Earned run average bird Last Issue’s Solution: Cummings, Mark Cummings, Brian gets it on with the old professor dude. She just 73. Silent yes 36. U-Q con- Surewood, Rick Masters, Skeeter Kerkove, had sex with her hottie boyfriend, but now 74. I nection Johnny Thrust. 75. ____ a mouse!!! 38. Place to she’s boning sum old stud... porno plots make 76. Roger that watch Jackass Director: Jim Powers no sense. But the dinosaurs do! Her 77. DeGarmo & ______or The boyfriend gets attacked by 78. Mountain top Osbournes Max: Just couldn’t 79. Network Data Services 40. Sexy soul some guy in a dino costume singers resist this little gem, The last scene is and gets saved by two hot DOWN 41. Cry heard could we Maja? cave girls. Yummmmy... 1. Marilyn Manson fans, e.g when someone Maja: Flying the weirdest… 2. ______in the dark (wild falls down a cave girls in their lil’ leopard guess) well? dinosaurs, mutated it’s got Bridgette skin mini-skirts really get 3. ______grapher (courtroom 42. Eminem’s producer snakes and hot sex... me going. They attack the job) oh my! This is what having sex with 4. Fastened to 44. Hercules’ guy, rewarding him with 5. Finale strength equiva- porno should be this lizard some hot sex. 6. Cannibal and KILLER Ed lent 7. Light margarine maker 45. Row boat about. When I saw mutant with a Max: Okay Maja, let’s not the box cover, I 8. Wooly ox propeller give away the whole story. 9. KILLER Henry Lee Lucas’ 46. Bigmouth freaked out... I knew long prosthetic How about just skipping to it was a keeper. green penis with the last scene… please say Max: The movie spikes on the something about it for me starts off with because I’m not sure if I can Bridgette in a hospital top... do it…. raving about Maja: The last scene is the dinosaurs attacking weirdest… it’s got Bridgette having sex with her and her friends, but the doctors say it’s just this lizard mutant with a long prosthetic green the medication speaking. Then the story penis with spikes on the top... I mean, as horny begins… as I am, if I was disturbed from my slumber to Maja: *BAM!* There’s a flashback to the find a mutant creature probing me with his woods where the four of them are exploring a alien bits, I’d have a cow… cave. Go figure, two of them start making out Max: Yes, but get to the gross part! in the woods... Maja: The creature just starts pouring out Max: Those two were definitely laying down “cum” from his shaft... like non-stop tons of it. on the job (insert laugher here). This was one Max, I thought you were gonna lose your din- cave Bridgette’s beau just couldn’t resist. ner on me! Maja: Watching them fuck with flies buzzing Max: By the way, if you didn’t figure it out, around really gets you into the whole this is definitely something worth watching. “woodsy” feel of things... Max: That was a nice added touch of real- I’d just like to take the time to thank all of ism… seeing flies circle around Bridgette’s Smut Ranch’s loyal readers as this month we bumhole. celebrate our one-year anniversary. Cheers! Maja: By the way, there’s a cosmetic proce- dure that’s apparently “in” right now, you can -Max Crown & Maja Lee get your asshole bleached pink. She could’ve really used that, it looked like she didn’t real- ly wipe too well… Max: Bleaching assholes! What’ll they think

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Etc...

I was just about to review some fucking game that played like ass, but I quickly lost interest due to the fact that it didn’t just when you thought things were settling have anything to do with the Star down, some knob gobbler decides to Wars/Trek universe. Instead, this month exploit his financial possibilities by suing I’ll be discussing some of the recent stories Rockstar for having one of the characters that are plaguing the game industry, specif- talk about killing Haitians. The Cuban ically the pc market. Last year we learned American Bar Association has also signed that some keyboard jockey stole the Half- up to sue Rockstar. Here is a snip from the Life 2 source code, and then made it readi- letter that was sent to Rockstar. CABA’s ly available to anyone with an Internet con- letter quotes the Haitian government nection and slight determination. Having spokesperson, Mr. Mario Dupuy, who stat- the source leaked proved to be a big prob- ed, “this racist game is psychologically lem, as it should be, so the Valve team extremely dangerous and is an incitement pushed the highly anticipated Half-Life 2 to genocide.” Ok, I’m not fucking stupid, I release back a few months in order to fix know that Haiti and Cuba are in financial and update the code. Done deal, right? crisis. Shit, I mean, exporting cigars and Fucking wrong! On Jan 15th, the FBI raid- mangoes can’t be all that lucrative, right? ed Chris Toshok’s pad, looking for the What bothers me is the way the CABA leaked source code. What the fuck? FBI refers to genocide in their letter to get some going buck wild over stolen video game coin. I never knew that video games code, you gotta be fucking shitting me, shaped young minds to become the future don’t they have, like. terrorist pedophiles to Hitlers of the world. What about the kids catch? How bout defending the State of who play these games, well you know America from the weapons of ass destruc- what? Jacko Wacko has the right idea, fuck tion? Or protecting G.W.Bush from him- the children. self so he doesn’t choke on his own tongue America is too sensitive on while he gnaws on his sweet potato Gerber issues that are trivial in nature but going formula. Once again, this just shows how after games is beyond retarded. Its amazing inept some organizations are at making to see how opportunity is only a videogame decisions. away, you know what I’m saying? Hell Up next we have GTA: Vice City, why not go after Counter Strike, it has a game that’s popular with everyone who characters resembling Middle Eastern men isn’t a stuck up republican jolly cunt and or with Ak’s, killing police. The people on Haitian apparently. For a while now the earth are not getting any smarter, just GTA universe was criticism free, due to the greedy and that’s a fucking shame. Keep fact that everyone went after Rockstars playing! new uber violent game called Manhunt. So

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