An Introduction to Attachment Parenting

What is attachment and Why is it important?

As human beings, we all need to form attachments for our survival and our emotional and physical wellbeing. Attachment occurs throughout life for example with friendships, family and romantic relationships. Losing any relationship is painful. As an adult you are more able to understand what has happened but a child has no point of reference and no experience to draw on and so they cope the best that they can.

From the very start babies are born hardwired to attach to a primary caregiver, the main person who they can trust to look after them and meet their needs in order to survive. This is usually a parent but could also be another person e.g. a family member or a foster carer.

As you can see from the diagrams on the next page, secure attachments are formed when the baby cries, communicating a need, and their caregiver makes sure that the need is met. If the care is consistent then the baby becomes confident that their caregiver will give them what they need. This is the start of the attachment or bonding process. A trust develops and with it, a bond that becomes stronger over time.

It is the quality and continuity of nurturing that a child receives in the first 2-3 years of life that is the most important for the development of a secure attachment. For example, where there is a good attachment a child of about 8 months of age will start to look to their caregiver for reassurance in the presence of strangers.

This is what happens when there is a secure attachment:

This is what happens when there is not a secure attachment:

What causes a loss of attachment?

It can be very upsetting to be told that there is an attachment ‘problem’ between you and your child. After Googling the subject or talking to professionals, parents sometimes feel that this means that they don’t love or care about their child but in the majority of cases this is definitely not the case. Although the accepted term is ‘attachment’ it can be more helpful to think of it as bonding or improved relationships as it might help to overcome any barriers.

Understandably, parents can sometimes become defensive, angry and upset. They blame themselves but often the root cause might be unavoidable.

There are many different causes for a bond either not developing when the child is a baby or for the loss of an established bond. It can be caused by any circumstance that separates a child from their parents for a period of time either physically or emotionally such as:

Abuse Bereavement Bullying Domestic violence Hospitalisation of either the parent/carer or child Mental illness of parent/carer (e.g. depression or postnatal depression) Physical illness of either the parent/carer or child especially if it is long-term Stress Substance misuse Traumatic/premature birth

It’s also important to understand that, although poor attachment can affect relationships with all of the children in a family, it is also common for only one child to be affected.

What does it feel like for a child with an attachment disorder and how do they behave?

Children with attachment disorders will feel insecure, confused and very sad. This makes them anxious, angry and very likely to display negative behaviour. They will often be controlling and they will challenge their parents’ authority. The child is trying to establish safety by controlling others. They try to make themselves safe by avoiding anything that is stressful and painful.

Their attacks on you (whether they are emotional, physical or verbal) and their resistance to you shows their fear for your motives for nurturing and boundary setting. In other words, they are suspicious of the relationship. This causes them to misunderstand and not trust you and, in turn, this leads to the child being unable to control their negative behaviour, which cannot be managed by normal parenting methods.

These children do not care if you confiscate their toys or ground them as nothing can be as bad as the loss of the relationship that they are already feeling. Punishing them reminds them of anger and revenge, two things with which they are already too familiar. Children with attachment difficulties thrive on anger. They are recreating the anger that they feel inside and feel that they have won if they can make their parents angry.

Often children with an attachment disorder struggle to learn and behave well at school.

What does it feel like for the child’s parent?

Parents often feel guilty when they are told that there are attachment difficulties with their child.

They notice that their child does not behave in the same way as their other children or their friends’ children so they are often upset and feel blame as they are the adult and as such, they should be able to cope with their child’s behaviour.

They will try to manage their child’s tantrums and ‘disobedience’ in traditional ways and when this does not work, they may seek advice and attend parenting courses to try to improve what they and others see as ‘naughty’ behaviour. Understandably, parents are then disappointed and become frustrated when the methods that they have been taught do not work.

As a parent, it can be very difficult to recognise that both you and your child are doing the best that you can at the moment. At a deeper level, both you and your child want your relationship and family life to improve as life is often very difficult for you both.

It’s also important to remember that this can happen to anyone and it’s not too late. You can improve the relationship between you and your child.

What can you do?

For your child to change, they will need you to accept, comfort and teach them. You will need to encourage them and confirm their importance in the family as they often have low self-esteem. This will mean changing your behaviour, actions and the way that you talk to your child. This will not be easy but the methods that you are using at the moment are not working so you will need to change the way that you talk to and interact with them. If you change your behaviour so will they.

You will notice that your child will not only be concerned at the change in your behaviour but they may also be suspicious and reluctant to trust the ‘new you’. What if they like how it feels? What if you don’t mean it and what if you stop? Once you start you will need to be consistent even if they push you away at first.

Because attachment usually happens in the first 8 months of life you must go back to the nurturing approach that young children need. This is not always easy with an older child or teenager but it can be done.

Spend more time with your child. Two of the most valuable things that you can give your child are your time and your attention. Reading stories, singing songs, rhymes and play are essential activities to help a child develop. All of these activities help to form a positive parent and child relationship which then helps to form connections in your child’s brain that will help them to develop emotional resilience. This needs to be done over and over again as this is how children learn.

Obviously, this will need to be adapted for an older child but the principle is the same. Try turning the T.V. off and doing something together e.g. going out for a walk somewhere different or cooking a meal together. Be imaginative and, above all, have fun.

Try to be an ‘authoritative’ parent by being firm but warm. Explain your reasons for your rules and requests, in an age-appropriate way. Always use consequences rather than punishments. The consequences need to be put in place immediately and, if possible, relate to the child’s actions.

Change the way that you talk to your child. Be calm, explain how you feel and remember that parents regain control when they do not behave as a child expects.

Talk to the adults in your family and your child’s teachers. Explain what you are trying to do and ask for their support.

Seek help from your child’s social worker, family support practitioner or family support worker. They will be able to offer advice and can refer you to a trained practitioner who will work with you on a one-to-one basis, in a sensitive and non-judgemental way. They should also be able to help you identify the child’s emotional age (which is likely to be very different from their actual age) and give you advice that is specific for your child.

Always try to remember how this happened is not anyone’s fault but, especially, it is not your child’s fault.

The Benefits of Attachment Parenting

Your child will be more trusting and feel more competent. They will be less angry and confused and more able to give and receive love. They will become better organised and will also be able to learn more easily. They will be happier and more relaxed.

You will become more confident and sensitive to your child. You will be able to read your child’s cues and respond more intuitively. You will know your child’s abilities and preferences so that you can find better responses earlier and calm their behaviour before it escalates. You will feel better about your abilities as a parent.

By improving your relationship, both you and your child will experience mutual sensitivity, trust and a feeling of being connected. You will have more lively interactions, laughter and shared times. Life will be easier and you will both have more fun.

It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.

10 things children want from their parents

1. Tuck me in and sing me a song. Also tell me stories about when you were little.

2. Give me hugs and kisses and sit and talk to me.

3. Spend quality time just with me, not always with my brothers and sisters or other family members around.

4. Give me nutritious food so that I can grow up healthy.

5. At mealtimes talk about what we could do together at the weekend.

6. At night talk to me about anything: love, school, family etc Ask me about my day.

7. Let me play outside often. Come and play with me.

8. Spend time with me, cuddled under a blanket, watching our favourite TV show together.

9. Give me boundaries. It makes me feel that you care.

10.Leave special messages so that I can find them.

Further information

Onion or apple?

“A child for whom the first two years of life go well and who receives good, consistent nurturing from a primary caretaker, will learn to trust and to ‘internalise the parent’ i.e. to develop a conscience. That child can be said to have a ‘core’. This is the apple.

On the other hand, a child who experiences abuse, prolonged parental separation or chronic, unrelieved pain (e.g. colic or middle-ear infections) in those two vital years can fail to develop a core and no matter how long you go on peeling away the layers, all you will get is tears. This is the onion.

Although such children may appear on the surface to be very likeable, the more you get to know them the less you may like or understand them. Onions, having no core, do not experience conflict as painful.

Attempts to reach such children through love and understanding alone do not work and traditional therapies that are based on a trusting relationship are doomed to failure.

It is essential for us all as parents, and for those professionals to whom we may turn for help, that we ‘know our onions’ and adopt new, dynamic strategies in order to reach the parts that other methods cannot reach”.

Ruth Herman Wells M.S.

Understanding Attachment Theory

It is generally accepted that there are four types of attachment:

Secure

Ideally, from the time infants are six months to two years of age, they form an emotional attachment to an adult who is attuned to them, i.e. who is sensitive and responsive in their interactions with them. We call this person the primary caregiver.

It is vital that this attachment figure remains a contact caregiver throughout this period in a child’s life. In order for a child to feel securely attached to their caregiver, the child must feel safe, seen and soothed.

During the second year, children begin to use the adult as a secure base from which to explore the world and become more independent.

A child in this type of relationship is securely attached.

Ambivalent

Some adults are inconsistently attuned to their children. At times their responses are appropriate and nurturing but at other times they are intrusive and insensitive.

Children with this kind of parenting are confused and insecure, not knowing what type of treatment to expect. They often feel suspicious and distrustful of their parent but at the same time they act clingy and desperate.

The child does not use the caregiver as a secure base for exploration, protesting before the caregiver leaves. The child is upset about the caregiver leaving and slow to warm to them on their return. The child expresses concern about the caregiver’s location, seeking contact but resisting, angrily when it is achieved. The child is not easily calmed by strangers

These children have an ambivalent (or anxious) attachment with their unpredictable caregiver.

Avoidant

There are adults who are emotionally unavailable and, as a result, they are insensitive to, and unaware of, the needs of their children. They have little or no response when a child is hurting or distressed. These caregivers discourage crying and encourage independence.

Often their children quickly develop into “little adults” who take care of themselves.

These children pull away from needing anything from anyone else and are self- contained. The child demonstrates little emotional sharing in play and few signs of emotion when the caregiver leaves or returns.

The child does not respond when offered affection and treats strangers similarly to their caregiver. The child may express lack of attachment and low self-esteem by ‘acting out’.

In this relationship the child always feels anxious because the caregiver’s availability is never consistent.

Disorganised

When a parent or caregiver is abusive to a child, the child experiences the physical and emotional cruelty and frightening behaviour as being life- threatening. This child is caught in a terrible dilemma.

Their survival instincts are telling them to flee to safety but safety is the very person who is terrifying them. The attachment figure is the source of the child’s distress.

In these situations, children typically disassociate from their selves. They detach from what is happening to them and what they are experiencing is blocked from their consciousness. Children in this conflicted state have disorganised attachments with their fearsome caregivers

The child’s lack of attachment can be expressed by disorganised emotional behaviour such as approaching the caregiver but with their back turned.

The P.A.C.E. Model

Playfulness

This involves things like reciprocal laughter. Creating an atmosphere of playfulness will build a safety net for when there is conflict. It will help you to get a perspective on things, enjoy your time with your child and allow you both to admit your mistakes. It prevents your child from becoming defensive and helps you to keep an open mind so that you can see the difference between intention and behaviour.

Acceptance

A child who is accepted has a secure base from which to explore, make mistakes and learn from them. It helps your child to believe that they are doing their best and so are you. It also helps to avoid blame and reduce anger on both sides. It will help you to separate the behaviour from your child and avoid negative judgements about your child’s thoughts, emotions and intentions so that your relationship is safeguarded.

Curiosity

If your child lives in a home where curiosity is accepted and encouraged, it will help them to understand feelings in themselves and in others in both positive and negative situations. It will help to encourage listening and understanding and will lead to openness and sharing.

Empathy

Creating an environment where empathy is evident will show support rather than disempowerment, help your child to see that they can solve a problem and help them to acknowledge and deal with their feelings. It will also help your child to learn about reflection.

Adapted from the model by Dan Hughes

Acknowledgements

Mary Ainsworth John Bowlby CBE, MA, BChir, MD, MRCP, FRCP, FRCPsych, Hon ScD Foster Cline M.D. Ruth Herman Wells M.S. Dan Hughes Ph.D. Joy Osborn, Future Childcare Training Ltd. Michelle Meaby, FSP, BCP council.