An Introduction to Attachment Parenting What is attachment and Why is it important? As human beings, we all need to form attachments for our survival and our emotional and physical wellbeing. Attachment occurs throughout life for example with friendships, family and romantic relationships. Losing any relationship is painful. As an adult you are more able to understand what has happened but a child has no point of reference and no experience to draw on and so they cope the best that they can. From the very start babies are born hardwired to attach to a primary caregiver, the main person who they can trust to look after them and meet their needs in order to survive. This is usually a parent but could also be another person e.g. a family member or a foster carer. As you can see from the diagrams on the next page, secure attachments are formed when the baby cries, communicating a need, and their caregiver makes sure that the need is met. If the care is consistent then the baby becomes confident that their caregiver will give them what they need. This is the start of the attachment or bonding process. A trust develops and with it, a bond that becomes stronger over time. It is the quality and continuity of nurturing that a child receives in the first 2-3 years of life that is the most important for the development of a secure attachment. For example, where there is a good attachment a child of about 8 months of age will start to look to their caregiver for reassurance in the presence of strangers. This is what happens when there is a secure attachment: This is what happens when there is not a secure attachment: What causes a loss of attachment? It can be very upsetting to be told that there is an attachment ‘problem’ between you and your child. After Googling the subject or talking to professionals, parents sometimes feel that this means that they don’t love or care about their child but in the majority of cases this is definitely not the case. Although the accepted term is ‘attachment’ it can be more helpful to think of it as bonding or improved relationships as it might help to overcome any barriers. Understandably, parents can sometimes become defensive, angry and upset. They blame themselves but often the root cause might be unavoidable. There are many different causes for a bond either not developing when the child is a baby or for the loss of an established bond. It can be caused by any circumstance that separates a child from their parents for a period of time either physically or emotionally such as: Abuse Bereavement Bullying Domestic violence Hospitalisation of either the parent/carer or child Mental illness of parent/carer (e.g. depression or postnatal depression) Physical illness of either the parent/carer or child especially if it is long-term Stress Substance misuse Traumatic/premature birth It’s also important to understand that, although poor attachment can affect relationships with all of the children in a family, it is also common for only one child to be affected. What does it feel like for a child with an attachment disorder and how do they behave? Children with attachment disorders will feel insecure, confused and very sad. This makes them anxious, angry and very likely to display negative behaviour. They will often be controlling and they will challenge their parents’ authority. The child is trying to establish safety by controlling others. They try to make themselves safe by avoiding anything that is stressful and painful. Their attacks on you (whether they are emotional, physical or verbal) and their resistance to you shows their fear for your motives for nurturing and boundary setting. In other words, they are suspicious of the relationship. This causes them to misunderstand and not trust you and, in turn, this leads to the child being unable to control their negative behaviour, which cannot be managed by normal parenting methods. These children do not care if you confiscate their toys or ground them as nothing can be as bad as the loss of the relationship that they are already feeling. Punishing them reminds them of anger and revenge, two things with which they are already too familiar. Children with attachment difficulties thrive on anger. They are recreating the anger that they feel inside and feel that they have won if they can make their parents angry. Often children with an attachment disorder struggle to learn and behave well at school. What does it feel like for the child’s parent? Parents often feel guilty when they are told that there are attachment difficulties with their child. They notice that their child does not behave in the same way as their other children or their friends’ children so they are often upset and feel blame as they are the adult and as such, they should be able to cope with their child’s behaviour. They will try to manage their child’s tantrums and ‘disobedience’ in traditional ways and when this does not work, they may seek advice and attend parenting courses to try to improve what they and others see as ‘naughty’ behaviour. Understandably, parents are then disappointed and become frustrated when the methods that they have been taught do not work. As a parent, it can be very difficult to recognise that both you and your child are doing the best that you can at the moment. At a deeper level, both you and your child want your relationship and family life to improve as life is often very difficult for you both. It’s also important to remember that this can happen to anyone and it’s not too late. You can improve the relationship between you and your child. What can you do? For your child to change, they will need you to accept, comfort and teach them. You will need to encourage them and confirm their importance in the family as they often have low self-esteem. This will mean changing your behaviour, actions and the way that you talk to your child. This will not be easy but the methods that you are using at the moment are not working so you will need to change the way that you talk to and interact with them. If you change your behaviour so will they. You will notice that your child will not only be concerned at the change in your behaviour but they may also be suspicious and reluctant to trust the ‘new you’. What if they like how it feels? What if you don’t mean it and what if you stop? Once you start you will need to be consistent even if they push you away at first. Because attachment usually happens in the first 8 months of life you must go back to the nurturing approach that young children need. This is not always easy with an older child or teenager but it can be done. Spend more time with your child. Two of the most valuable things that you can give your child are your time and your attention. Reading stories, singing songs, rhymes and play are essential activities to help a child develop. All of these activities help to form a positive parent and child relationship which then helps to form connections in your child’s brain that will help them to develop emotional resilience. This needs to be done over and over again as this is how children learn. Obviously, this will need to be adapted for an older child but the principle is the same. Try turning the T.V. off and doing something together e.g. going out for a walk somewhere different or cooking a meal together. Be imaginative and, above all, have fun. Try to be an ‘authoritative’ parent by being firm but warm. Explain your reasons for your rules and requests, in an age-appropriate way. Always use consequences rather than punishments. The consequences need to be put in place immediately and, if possible, relate to the child’s actions. Change the way that you talk to your child. Be calm, explain how you feel and remember that parents regain control when they do not behave as a child expects. Talk to the adults in your family and your child’s teachers. Explain what you are trying to do and ask for their support. Seek help from your child’s social worker, family support practitioner or family support worker. They will be able to offer advice and can refer you to a trained practitioner who will work with you on a one-to-one basis, in a sensitive and non-judgemental way. They should also be able to help you identify the child’s emotional age (which is likely to be very different from their actual age) and give you advice that is specific for your child. Always try to remember how this happened is not anyone’s fault but, especially, it is not your child’s fault. The Benefits of Attachment Parenting Your child will be more trusting and feel more competent. They will be less angry and confused and more able to give and receive love. They will become better organised and will also be able to learn more easily. They will be happier and more relaxed. You will become more confident and sensitive to your child. You will be able to read your child’s cues and respond more intuitively. You will know your child’s abilities and preferences so that you can find better responses earlier and calm their behaviour before it escalates.