r I". S DRCI A D CA .1 T
THE ABBOTT AND COSTELLO PROGRAM
F' OR
CAMEL CIGARETTES
N .B .Cq „ STUDIO "A" Thursda y, March 1j 1945 7a00 - 7130 PM PWT
CAST
Frank Sinatra - GU ST
Connie Haines Elvia Allman Mel Blanc Mabel Todd Bea Benedarett Ken Niles Freddie Rich - Pat McGeehan Fred Shields
_SOUND...._. ____, EFFECTS.,..... HOUSE DOOR SCREAMS (GIRLS ALA SINATRA ) RIP OF PA PER MARCH ING FEET KIDS (SCHOOL ROOM)
V MA..
MUSIC : "PERFIDIA" . . .INTRO . . .SEGUE _.___.~...... _.._._. MUSZC ; BAND SING:~ .C . .A . .M . .E, .L . .S
NILES ; The Abbott and Costello program l-- Brought to you by
CAMEL$ the cigarette of costlier properly aZed tobaccos .
See if your throat and your taste don't make Came1l a
first with you, too . Find out for yourself 1 02~
MUSIC..__ _;., ..SWEEPS..~.~..~_..._., ..,~_UP.. ...rAND...... _ ..__UNDER...... _... NI:L,ES : Listen to the great rhythms of Freddie Rich and his
Orchestra, the owingy»singing of Connie Haines 1 AND -
That little fat boy, who, when he heard Frank Sinatra was u?,4- 't.. g going to be onAdw show ton .ight~ said -M
COSTELLO : HFEEEYYYYYX, ABBBBBOTTTTTTTI`
.MUSIC....._,_...... : UP TO FINISH._.....,...._... ( APPLA.USE~
me ABBOTT & COSTELLO (REVISED) -1- 3-1-45
ABBOTT : COSTELLO, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? AND WHOIS THAT FELLOW
STANDING BEHIND YOU?
C OSTELLO : OH THIS GUY? HE WORKS FOR ME ABBOTT . ABBOTT : WHAT DOES HE DO FOR YOU?
COSTI:LLO : WELL I BROKE MY SUSPENDERS THIS MORNING, A ND HE FOLLOWS ~ cf~- CA . . ~yv ~e:~fe~~fe~,, ME AROUND AND HOLDS HIS HANDS ON .MY HxPS .n
ABB07:'T : YOU SHOULD BE ASIiAMED OF YOURSELF . . .JUST LOOK AT THE
CONDITION OF YOUR CLOTHES . .pYOU KNOW WEIRE HAVING FRANK
SINATRA AS OUR GUEST TONIGHT . fHOW CAN YOU BE SO UNTIDY?V
C OSTELLO : I'M UNTIDY? DID YOU EVER GET A GOOD LOOK AT SINATRA?
THAT GUY LOOKS LIKE A STANDIN FOR A DUST M0PI
ABBOTT : AHa AHd. AHd WEILL HAVE NO INSULTSd SINATRA IS
CONSIDERED A VERY HANDSOME MAN :
COSTELLO : HANDSOME? HE IS SO SKINNY, IF THEY WANTED TO HANG HIM,
THEYID HAVE TO PUT THE ROPE UNDER HIS ARMSI
ABBOTT : COSTELLOI LOOKS ARENtT EVERYTHINGi SINATRA IS VERY
INTELLIGENTI HEIS A COLLEGE M!{NS HE HAS A SHEEPSKINI COSTELLO : WHY D ONtT HE WEAR A VEIL, AND NOBODY WILL NOTICE zT! ABBOTT : YOU SHOULD BE VERY GLAD THAT SINATRA IS COMING HERE
TONIGHTI WE MAY EVEN PERSUADE HIM TO SING FOR USI
COSTELLO : ABBOTT, IF THEREIS GONNA BE ANY SINGINt HERE TONIGHT, I
WILL DO IT1 NOT SINATRAj
A13B0TT : BUT COSTELLO . . .HOW CAN YOU COMPARE YOURSELF TO FRANK'? . . .
-,-SINATRA.....~.~._.-~ HAS -TALENT.-~..~ ...I. COSTELLO : IIVE GOT TALENTI Ln H cn ABF30T`.P : SINATRA APPEALS TO WOMENI %D a COSTELLO : I A PPEAL T O WOMEN E N oP N ABBOTT : SINATRA MAKES THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS A WEEKI
COSTELLO= I APPEAL TO WOMENS i ABBOTT & COSTELLO 3-1-45 (REVISED) -2-
COSTELLO : ABBOTT YOU SHOULDNIT HAVE INVITED THAT GUY OVER HERE . . .
ITIS DANGEROUS . . .WEtRE LIABLE TO BE STAMPEDED BY A MOB
OF pAMES I
ABBOTT : COSTELLO, SINATRA IS FANS ARE NOT DANGEROUS 1
COSTELLO : OH NO . . .WIiEN HIS LAST PICTURE PLAYED IN NORTH HOLLYWOOD,
SIX USHERS GOT THE PURPLE HEART I
ABBOTT : TALK %ESE, C ST ELL0 1
COSTELLO : THERE+S BEEN CRAZY PEOPLE HANGINI AROUND HERE ALL DAY . . . .
0 DAMEITH A POToV G NfrMS ~~ ~I ...... 9~ ~z.~ 'q ABBOTT : WHAT I S CRAZY ABOUT THAT ?
COSTELLO : THEY WERE GROWING OUT OF HER HEAD I
ABBOTT : COSTELLO, I BELIEVE YOUIRE JEALOUS OF SINATRAfS PERSONAL,
MAGNETISM I
COSTELLO : IlM SORRY TO HEAR THAT ABBOTTI I DIDNIT KNOW SINATRA
HAD MAGNETISMt . . . . THATtS TERRIBLI1 MY GRANDMOTHER HAS
MAGNETISM IN HER RIGHT LEG I
ABBOTT : N01 N01 YOU DUMMYt YOUR GRANDMOTHER DOESNfT HAVE
MAGNETISM1 SHE HAS RHEUMATISMI SHE GETS STIFF' . IN THE
JOINTS I
COSTELLOt SHAME ON YOU ABBOTTl MY GRANDMOTHER NEVER TOOK A DRINK
IN HER LIFEl (2ND REVISION) , -3w 4 y
SOUND : KNOCK ON DOOR
E3EA : I BEG YOUR PARDON GEN TLEMEN . . .WHICH ONE OF YOU IS SINA ZRA ?
COS'I'ELLO : ABBOTTt IlI,L BET THIS JA WAS SENT IN HERE BY TOMMX
DORSEYI
BEA : JUST A MINU TE, JUNIOR 1 YOU ARE ADDRESSING THE PRESIDENT
OF THE _PITKIN..... _. _. _. _. ~ ...AVENUE.,..-_. _...... BRANCH., _...., _..... OF THE SAM SINATRA FAN CLUBI ABBOTT : MADAM, THE NAME IS FRANK ANK SINA 7RA i
BEA : NOT IN BROOKLYN, I T A IN fT . .
. DO YOU KNOW THA T IN MINE BRANCH OF THE SAM SINA ZftA FAN CLUB WE GOT OVER FOUR
-HUNDRED.-.--..r.,. ..,MEMBERS.,....~..._..~ ...NOT INCLUDING THE DR. ..OOPS.-..,..- ...»l ABBOTT : WHO ARE THE DROOPS?
COSTELLO : THATIS THE MENtS AUXILIARYI
BEA : HOW DARE YOU TALK THAT WAY ABOUT SINAZRA? (SWOON) HIS
VOICE REALLY SENDS THE GIRLS !
COSTELLO : THATIS NOTHING .,,MY VOICE NOT ONLY SENDS THEM, BUT IT WRAPS
fEM, CRA TES 1EM, AND DELI VERS IEM R IGH T TO THE DOOR I
ABBOTT : YOU SEE THA T, COSTELLO, WOMEN ARE CRAZY ABOUT FRANK
S INA 7RA l
COSTELLO : I CANIT UNDERSTAND IT, WHEN HE WAS BORN THE STCRK
DELIVERED HIM TO THE Y .M .C .A .
ABBOTT ; WHA T FOR?
COSTELLO : SO 'THEY COULD BUILD HIM UP A LITTLE BEFORE SHOWING HIM TO
HIS FOLKSIv'-' ... ~ ~ ..a ,~MUSIC : PLAYOFF...... _..,.,, (ArPLAUS F )
% o N G ~ ABBUIT & COSTELLO ~ 3/1/45 (REVISED) -5- COMMEECIAL
NTLEa : How often I've stood up to this microphone and said
to you, "Compare Camels with other cigarettes, folks .
Compare their mildness, their full rich flavor ."
Lots of you during this shortage have had to make
comparisons whether you wanted to or not . Now I hear
smokers saying, "Boy, I never knew how good those
Camels were . How mildo What fLavor . Now I reall,y...... ~._... appreciate fem ." Wela_, keep on asking for them, folks,
every time you buy cigarettes . Because when you do~ get Camels, theyfre still Camel.sJ Properly aged tobaccos,
blended the true Camel way . We made more cigarettes in 1944 than ever in our history, and production schedules
pre ovide for more in 1.945 »- and that still wi,thout using
green, insufficiently cured tobaccos . War or Peace . . .
MUSIC : (BAND SINGS) C . .A . .M . .E . .L . .S
NILES : Camels are still CamelsJ L,f .ON•WAft y 5 ~
N MUSIC : INTRO t "MY HEART IN2SI' EADE FOR : 6~ -,C "cMr :e, NIZ,ES : Nowmiow Camel ;~w ~ 1.ovely Connie Haines ~, "My Heart Singa" . MUSIC : "MY HEART SINGS"H NE AND ORCHESTRA) ~. . 3 ~~ ( AP P~LAUSE) 7
I71C3 COSTELLOs (SINGING) SUNDAYS MONDAYi TUESDAYi WEDNESDAYS THURSDAY„
b'RIDAY* SATURDAY . .o(TALKING) WELLS THAT ENDS THAT WEEKL
ABBOTT : YOUIVE GOT TO STOP MAKING THAT RACKETS COSTELLO . IIVE
TOLD YOU YoUtRE NOT A SINGERt
COSTELLO : IS THAT ~D? WFLLS I USED TO SING IN A QUARTETTE WITH TEN
OTHER GUYS .
ABBOTT : TEN OTHER GUYS? THERE ARE ONLY FOUR PEOPLE IN A QUARTETTE,
COSTELLOY OHi NO WONDER WE SOUNDED SO LOUD .
ABBOTT : COSTELLOO YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS SINGING ON THE SAME
PROGRAM WITH SINATRA, HE HAS A TRAINED VOICE . HE HAS
TECHNIQUE . . .HE HAS COLOR,
COSTELLO t GEE0 HE SINGS IN TECHNICOLORI
ABBOTT : NOi BUT HE KNOWS THE FI ER POINTSp SUCH AS BREATHING .
COSTELLO : I KNOW BREATHINGO T00 . I BEEN BREATHING FOR YEARS . ITIS
A HABIT I PICKED UP WHEN I WAS A KID . . .,,,,BESILESv WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE SINATRA IS BREATHING?
SOUND: LOUD KNOCK ON DOOR
ABBOTT s THERE IS SOMEBODY AT THE DOOR, . . . IWONDER WHO IT IS?
COSTLLLOt IT AINtT SINATRA . HE CAN1T KNOCK THAT HARD,
ABBOTT : COME INl
SOUND : DOOR OPENS
f3L'!NC 8 GOOD EVENINGS GENTLEMEN, I, HAVE A SPECIAL MICROPHONE
FOR MR . SINATRA,
COSTELLO 8 WHAT 'S THE MATTER WITH THE MICROPHONE WE GOT HERE?
BLAivC e IT IS TOO WIDE l ,
AtiriU'1"1' t ^UH o I SEI, YOU WANT MR . SINATRA TO BE S EE.fiT t
COSTELLO : THAT GUY COULD HIDE BEHIND A WIRE o+- I WONDER WHA .T SINATRA
DOES WITH HIS RED PO, EVERYBODY IS ALLOWED A LITTLE
MEr.T l r BLANC s WELL HERE t S THE SPEC IAL MICROPHONE .~.ND BE CAREFUL OF IT 3
COSTELLO : WAIT A MINUTE, MR . . . . IlD LIKE TO ASK YOU A%UESTION ~~
BLANC a uVHl.T IS IT?
COSTIaLLOB WHEN SINATRA SINGS* DOES HE STf :ND UP?
BLANC : OF .'COURSEd
COSTELLO : ALONE??
BLANC E YI:S, INDEED. NOW BE SURE NOT TO BREAK THE HANDLES OFF
HIS MXCROPHONE, . .•G00Df3YF~~ .
SOUND : DOOR CLOSESM--OPENS
TODD : G00]) EVENING, IIM MR . SIN11TR11 IS NURSE .
COSTh'LLO t YOU MEAN TO SAY HE IS .STILL... _..,.,. GOT A NURSE?.,.... _,... hBBOTT s COSTELLO . . ,THF+,:RE lS NOTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THl1T,
TODD: I)IDN IT YOU EVER Hi^~VE A NURSE, YOUNG MAN?
COSTELLOt YEC,H, BUT I LET HER GO GVHEN I WI`..S SIX WEEKS OLD, . . . AND IF .
SHE LOOKED LIKE YOU, I WOULDN tT HAVE Wh ITFD THAT LONG1
I.BBOTT s DON IT MIND COSTELLO . . , ., VVHAT Cl•,N WE DO FOR YOU, MISS?
TODD: WELL, VIE, ALWAYS EXAMINE EVERYBODY WHO COM1aS IN CONTACT
iVITH MR . SINIITRA . . .N01•N THIS LITTLE FAT MAN HERE LOOKS LIKE
HE MIGHT PROVIDE A VERY GOOI) HOME FOR GERMS,
C 0 STELLO t oYOU KEEP MY RELATIVES OUTTA THIS .
TODD : OPEN YOUR MOUTH, PLEASE . ~ CO STELLO s 11HHIIH 1
TODD: A LITTLE WIDER, PLE ASE .
COSTELLO : hHHHHH3
TODD : WIDER ., .
C 0 STELLO t ( LOUDER ) 11HHH 3
TODD: WIDERb
COSTELLO : WIPE YOUR FEET OFF BEFORE YOU COME IN . r TODDS NOGu, MR . COSTELLO+ H£;S ANYBODY TLKEN YOUR PULSE LATELY?
COSTELLOa N0, I GOT IT RIGHT HERE WITH Mk. . OHl OHS
ABBOTT : WHATIS THE MATTER? C OSTI{aLLO t I THINK I LEFT IT IN MY OTHER SUIT 1
ABBOTTi COST-E7,L0t HOLD OUT YOUR WRIST I .ND LET THE NURSE FEEL
YOUR PULSE .
CO STELLO i BUT I JUST MET THE WOMAN . . . WE H. LOW EACH 'OTHP:R v
ABBOTTi DONIT BE STLLYp NOWi GO AHEADor .GIVE HER YOUR WR`IST,
COSTELLOi ALL RIGHT . . .THEREe . . TODD: MXO THIS IS STRANGEa
COSTk,LLO i WH£;T IS THE MATTER?
TODD : THIS IS THE FIRST PULSE I EVER SAW WITH SHORT EARS AND
A LONG TAILd
COSTELLO : YOUIRE LOOKING AT MY MICKI:,,lY MOUSE WRIST WATCHj . . . . 7-a
BL_>NC i (OFF) TELEGRAM FOR ABBOTT AND COSTELLOI
COSTi?,LLOt WHI,T £, BUSY JOINT THIS ISl ZILL TAKE THE TELEGRAM .
.SOUND...___.._~:.,, ._RIP...... OF PAPER COSTELLOi MMMMM INZMMMMM MMMMMM
118BOTT i WELLI WH:"LT DOES IT ShY?
COSTELLO : I DONIT KNOWo I Cf,NIT READt
l.BF30T'1's GIVE, ME THAT TELEGRIiM . IT SAYS i M£,R ABBOTT AND
COSTELLO, THE HASBROOK HEIGHTS SINATRA FANS WILL cr:LL
BE LISTENING TO YOUR SHOW TONIGHT . SIGNEDS ROBERTA
STOCKINGSi 9~II~I~IM~IA~i}
COSTELLOt ROBERTA STOCKINGS . . . .THLT MUST BE HIGH HAT FOR BOBBY
SOCKS . . . .,(APPLAUSE) .4SAY ABBOTTt WHERE I~S HASBROOK ' I GHTS? r M10..
;1BBOTT i IT IS IN NEW JEIRSEYS AND TT IS FRANK SINATWS HOME TOWNI
COSTELLO : WHAT??? HEIS FROM NEW JERSEY?? MY HOME STATE?
ABBOTT : THATIS RIGHTI NOW ARENtT YOU ASHAMEI) OF YOURSELF? ALL THOSE NASTY THINGS YOU SAID ABOUT FRANK?
COSTELLO : IvM IN A TERRIBLE FIXy ABBOTT . . . .WHATEVER YOU DO DONIT
I'ELL ANYBOI7X WHAT I SAID BECAUSE ITIS LIABLE TO GET TO
HARRY JAMES AND HARRY JAMES TS LIABLE TO TELL IT TO
BENNY GOODMAN AND BENNY GOODMAN IS LIABLE TO TELL IT
TO SPIKE JONES AND SPIKE JONES IS LIABLE TO TELL IT TO
MARGARET 0 t BRIEN AND THEN SHE WON IT PLAY JACKS WITH ME
ANY MORE . .oAND ItM UP TO MY FOURSIES1
I3LANC : ` I BEG YOUR PARDON GENTLEMEN . . .FRl.NK SINATRA IS flERE t
COSTELLO : O .K . JUST SLIP HIM UNIEiR THE 1)OORd
SINATRA : (OFF STAGE MIKE ) HELLO FELLOWS 1 (WALKS ON )
(APPLAUSE)
_~SOUND.»..-....,._:.. ._BACK...~ UP GIRLS SCREAMING _) ABBOTT : FRANK WE WANT TO WELCOME YOU TO OUR PROCiRAM .
SINATRA : WELL THANK IS BOYS 1
COSTELLO t YEAH FRANKIk~~ . . .I WAS JUST TELLxNV ABBOTT WHAT A NICE GUY
YOU ARE b
SINATRA : OH YEAHt I HEARD YOUc . SO YOUIRE UP TO YOUR FOURSIES EH?
, . WELL ANY MORE CRACKS LIKE THAT AND YOUILL BE UP TO
YOUR NECKSIE_...... _.~. IN MUDSIEb.. ABBOTT : HE WAS ONLY KIDDING FRANK . . .COSTELLO LOVES YOU . .HE1S
FROM NEW JERSEY T00 . . . .
CO STr,LLO : SURE i IIM FROM PATTERSON . . SAY FRANK HOW FAR IS THAT FROM
HASBROOK HEIGHTS?
SINATRA : FOR YOU IT WOULD BE A TWENTY MINUTE RIM IN A PATROL
VJAGONJ r M 11 M CO STELLO s FOR A THIN GUY HE IS GETT ING SOME PRETTY Fl .T -JOKES j
S I NilTRA 8 ~ WITH YOUR.. ...~SHAPE...... , ..._I.~ . WOULDN w T TALKP %e ~• COS':C1;LL0= WELL I MAY BE A LITTLE BULGY . a BUT REMEMBER EVEN AN
ARMY TRAVELS ON ITS STOMACHE
SINATRAs IF YOU GET ANY BIGGER AN ARMY WILL BE ABLE TO CAMP...,.... . ON YOURSI
CO STELLO e ABBOTT NEW JERS +'Y OR NO NEW JERSEY . . THIS GUY IS ASKIN I FOR IT X
ABF30TT Y C0 STELLO CUT THAT OUT a . YOU AND FRANK SHOULD GET ALONG
FINE . . YOUIRE BOTH FROM NEW JERSEY AND YOU SHOULD HAVE A
LOT OF FRIENDS IN COMMON . ~ ~ SINATRA : SURE COSTELLO, . YOU MUST R9ft &BER A LOT OF TH BOYS BACK r' I HOME . . , DID YOU KNOW NAT HICKEY?
COSTELLO a NAT HxCKEY .,SUREb HE SAT IN BACK OF ME IN THE SECOND
GRADE . . +' WAS A LITTLE SHORT KID WITH A MUSTACHEI
SINATRA : AH l . . o MANY IS THE TIME I PLAYED HOOKEY WITH HICKEY TO
PLAY HOCKEYa
COS7:'ELLO a NOW YOUIRE GETTINI HOKEYb _ _ „ *Avg """%% ",,6 .n ,, , .;. n .w~. SINGt,~g~QQ~NIE HAINES q COMTS Fl T00 . . .IT lS, ~"~+~,,~,r, SOME TOWN RIGHT~"YNTJRS . . a
l0 STE LLO Y lQ-iAT'7"'f, .. . .,:,
INATRAa :- "" TEA NECK?
ih1w
CONiVIEs (COMING ON) HEY ABBBOOOOTTTTTT, .o .WHY DIDNIT YOU TELL ME,
FRANK SINATRA WAS HEF.Z +'?
SINr;TRA! IIELLO CONNIEp GEE I H.AVENIT SEEN YOU SINCE WE WORKED
TOGETHER WITH DaRSEY IS BI1NDt r .. 12 w ABBO':L'T E ELL O I DIDN I T KNOW THAT YOU TWO KNEW EAC H OTHER j
CONN:CF; s OF COURSE j . . oFRANKIE ;'-11ND I ARE OLD FRIENDS, I KNEW HIM
BEFORE HE PUT ON ALL THAT WEIGHTI
COSTELLO : WATCH THOSE CRACKS CONNIE OR YOUILL BE UP TO YOUR
NE~CKSTE IN MUSTEI l
SI:Nf.TRhs GI,E CONNI E IT IS GOOD TO SEE YOU, IF YOUIRE NOT DOING
r NYTHING 1`_FTER THE SHOW HOW ABOUT TAKING A LITTLE WALK
WITH ME?
CONN :CE t IlD LOVE TO j
COSTELLO s THAT IS A SWELL IDEAo THE THREE OF US CAN TALK ABOUT NEW
Jk:RSEY l
SI:NA.TRA s ELL$ IlD PLANNED TO TV1KE CONNIE FOR A LITTLE DRIVE UP
TO BEVERLY HILLS . . AND, . . .
COSTI,LLOs FINE, THAT WOULD BE COZ~rI JUST THE THREE OF USI
STN.°T~~~1 s THEN I THOUGHT VVE fD STROLL THROUGH THE PARK FOR A WHILE .
COSTELLO : HOW ROMANTIC 1 JUST THE THREE OF USI
S INA7!R!? s THEN IlM TAKING CONNIE TO CIRO IS FOR A _TWENTY..._....~.. .P@"MfR...... _ DINNER !
COSTELLO : VVh;LL, YOU FINALLY GOT RID OF MEI l
MUSIC s PLLYOFF
(11PPLAUSE )
MUS IC s INTRO " IF YOU ARE BUT A DREAM"
COSTELLO t LADIES AND GENTLENIGN I KNOW THAT YOU ALL WANT TO IIEAR
FRANK SINATRA SING, SO IsVE ASKED HIM TO SING FOR OUR
CAMEL AUDIENCE, A VERY PRETTY SONG --"7F YOU ARE BUT A
DREAM" .
MUS IC : " IF YOU ARE BUT A DREAM" . . . . S INATRA AND ORCH . %',l (APPLAUSE) r -13-
SOUND : MARCHING FEET
NILES : And still they go overseas . . . .men, men, and still more
fighting men . Guns and planes, rockets and beefstoak,
mortars and apricots# tanks and cigarettes . Camels,
Camelst Millions, billions lions of CameLst i And the service
comes fi~rs,t . . . .so sometimes your dealer has to,say, "Sorry,
no Camels today," But when you do get Camels, they're
still Camels . Still cool and mild, still rich and full
of that famous flavor of costlier, properly aged tobaccos
blended in the time-honored Camel way, War or Peace,
a s Jfl or thPm V V+1" .7f Camel i_q sti_1__1 Camel . Be sure to k , .~e .~ ..+n.... time you buy cigarettes .
MU^ S,IC s, , ( BAND S INGS ) C»A»MwE-L-S . .`I-- NILES : CAMELS . . . . first li~'the service, the rest to you
MUSIC : CAMEL PLAYOFF
V COSTELLO : THAT WAS A SWELL SONG YOU SANG, FRANKIE . NEXT TO
LANA TURNER . YOUIRE MY FAVORITE SINGER .
S INAT RA : TURNER DOESN f T SING .
COSTELLO : WELL, SHE DONtT HAVE TO . . .BUT I LIKED THAT DREAM NUMBER
YOU DID . YOU KNOW, FRANKIE, THAT BROUGHT BACK MEMORIES
• OF THE PAST . REMNANTS OF MY SCHOOL DAYS .
sk COSTELLO, YOU MEAN REMINISCENCES OF YOUR SCHOOL DAYS .
REMNANTS ARE RAGS .
COSTELLO : DID YOU EVER SEE MY SCHOOL CIATHES? . . .I MEAN REMNANTS 1
SINATRA= THE LAST TIME I WAS IN HASBROOK HEIGHTS, I STEPPED AROUND
TO SEE MY OLD SCHOOL HOUyE . JUST AN IVY-COVERED OLD
BUI LDING . . . BUl' IT -LOOKED BEAUT IFUL TO ME l
COSTELLO : YEAH EN I WENT BAC I'TERSO'N, V S TED MY OLD
SCHOOL HOUSE, TOO . (TENDERLY) A LITTLE RED'BUILDING,
N~~LED IN THE OODS . .,.(DISGUSTEDLY) WHAT A DUMPI :ok` n SINATRA : SOMETIMES I WISH WE CO TURN BACK THE CLOCK AND BE KIDS
ALL OVER AGATN .
ABBOTT ; WELL, WE CAN ARRANGE THAT FOR YOU . FREDDIE RICH, A LITTIZ
SCHOOL DAY MUSIC, PLEASE
: "SCHOOLDAYS" . . .FADE FOR : . MUSIC __.___...... ~.....~ CAST & SOUND : BABBLE OF VOICES
ABBOTT : BREAK IT UP, KIDS . HERE COMES THE TEACHER .
COSTELLO : 44~1_~ . . JUST WHEN THE DICE ARE HOT .
CAST & SOUND ; BABBLE FADE AS DOOR OPENS & CLOSES Ln ~ ~ A LLMAN : GOOD MORNING, CHTLDREN . Ln W ~ CAST : (AS KIDS ) GOOD MORNING, MISS .PICKELMEYER . N ~ ~ ALLMAN s WE ILL NOW CALL THE ROLL . . . CHAUNCEY ABBOTT 1
ABBOTT : PRESENT .
0 ABF30TT & COSTELLO . (2ND REVISION) -15" 3/;L/9 5
.CHAUNCEYi NO WONDER HE CHANGED HIS NAME TO BUD,, COSTELLO : Hl7MTfi . . . - ..~...~.._ ALLI!rlAN : CONNIE HAINES .
CONNIE : PRESENT .
ALLMAN : FRANK SINA TRA . . . FRANK SINATRA ARE YOU HERE?
SINA'IR.A : '( SINGING ) SUNDAY, MONDAY ALWAYS .
CAST : (aIGHING) AHHHHHH3
ALLMfiN : AND NOVV THE GIRLS WILL RETURN TO THEIR OWN SEA TS . . .
C OS TELL 0 : WA I TILL THEY S I T D OWN . I PU T TA CKS ON THE IR SEA TS .
ALLMAN : LOU COSTELLOO YOU MAY GO TO THE BLACKBOARD AND WRITE
"I AM A DOPEtt A HUNDRED TIMES .
CCS'IELLO : I GOTTA GO TO THE BLACKBOARD AND WRITE YOU ARE A DOPE A
HUNDRED TIMES .
ALLMAN : NOT YOU ARE A DOPE . . .I AM A DOPE .
COSTEELLO : THA TIS WHA T ZfVE BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG . . .HEY, TEACHER, HOW DO YOU SPELL DOPE?
ALLMAN : FRANK SINAIftA$ SPELL DOPE .
SINA U'RA : D-O-»ArP . . .DOPE .
ALLMAN : WRONGI
SINA 7RA : R-O-N-G, . .WRONG) GEE# ITIS A GOOD THING I CAN SING .
ALLMAN : LOU COSTELLO, GO BACK TO YOUR SEAT AND GET OUT YOUR
H OMEW ORK .
COS15~LLO, OKAY . .' .(ASIDE) HEY, ABBOTT, I GOT AAOUGlf QUESTION HERE
IN MY HOMEWORK . WHO INVENTED THE STEAM ENGINE?
ABBOTT : NO . WATT INVENTED THE STEAM ENGINE .
G M 16W COSTELLOs WHAT?
ABBOTT : THAT t S CORRECT .
COSTELLO$ WHAT'S CORRECT?
ABBOTT= CERTAINLY .
COSTELLO : LOOK, ALL I SAID WAS WHO INVENTED THE STEAM ENGINE .
ABBOTT : AND IlM TELLING YOU WHO DIDNIT INVENT THE STEAM ENGINE .
C OSTELLO = I DON IT WANNA KNOW WHO DIDN_.,__.,~ IT... INVENT IT . . . I WANT TO KNOW WHO DID .
ABBOTT : WATT,
COSTELLO : HERE WE GO AGAIN C, LOOK, I ASKED YOU WHO INVENTED THE
STEAM ENGINE, RIGHT?
AB.~~OTT : NO . WRIGHT INVENTED THE AEROPLANE . WATT INVENTED THE STEAM ENGINE,
COSTELLO : WHATIS ON SECONDZ
ALLMAN = ABr.30TT l COSTELLO j WHAT ARE YOU TWO BOYS DOING?
COSTELLO ; WEIRE t3R.EAKING IN A NEW R0I1TxNE . .
ALLMAN : WELL, BREAK IT UPI . . .FRANK SINATRA, NAME ALL THE
PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES .
SINATRAs I DONIT KNOW THEM ALL .
ALIMAN s WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I COUID NAME THEM ALL .
SINATRA : WHEN YOU WERE MY AGE* THERE WERE ONLY THREE OF THEM :
ALLMAN : THERE WERE FOURI . . .SO THEREI . .,WEILL TRY ARITHMETIC .
CONNIE HAINES1 DO YOU HAVE YOUR ARITHMETIC PROBLEM
READY?
CONNIE : YES, TEACHER .
ALI,MAN : READ IT .
CONNIE : "A" BUYS A BARREL OF APPLES FROM "B" FOR T WO DOLLARS . HE
SELLS THEM TO "C" FOR FOUR DOLLARS . "C" SELLS THEM TO "D1' FOR EIGHT DOLLf~RS . t . .
0 -17-18- COSTELLO : BOYt IS "Hll GONNA GET STUCKt
A LLMAN : THAT IS THE WRONG ANSVI'ER, AND JUST FOR T HAT, FRAN S INATRA ;
WILL STAY AFTER SCHOOL .
SINATRA : FOR WHAT?
ALLMAN : (CUTE) FOR MEt (GIqGLES) ~ SINATRA : WEIIL, I WON fT DO IT
ALLMAN : THEN I INSIST ON SPEAKING TO YOUR FATHER .
SINATRA : GO AHEAD . HEfS SITTING IN THE LAST ROW .
COSTELLO : TEACHER, CAN I ASK A QUESTION?
ALLMAN : GO AHEAD, COSTELLO .
COSTELLO : I BEEN READING THIS BOOK, AND IT SAYS THE BEES TAKE THE
POLLEN FROM ONE FLOWER AND BRING IT TO ANOTHER FLOWER .
THEN THEY TAKE THE POLLEN FROM ANOTHER FLOWER AND BRING IT
TO ANOTHER FLOWER . . .AND THEN AFTER A WHILE THERE'S LOTS
OF FLOWERS .
ALLMAN : YES?
COSTELLO : WELL, WHAT I WANNA KNOW IS, WHEREtS GYPSY ROSE LEE
PLAYING TONIGHT?
ALLMAN : LOU COSTELLO, YOUfRE A DISGRACE TO THE ENTIRE SCHOOLt
SINATRA : NO HE AINtT, TEACHERt WE KIDS ARE PROUD OF LOU COSTELLO
AND WEVVE SELECTED HIM AS THE BOY IN OUR CLASS WITH THE
_~FOREHEAD _ MOST...._._ . LIKELY...... , . TO~. RECEDEf_,.._..,...~... CAST : (AS KIDS) (AD LIBS HURRAY FOR COSTELLO)
ALLMAN : FRANK SINATRA, I PREDICT THAT BOTH YOU AND YOUR FRIEND,
LOU COSTELLO, WILL EVENTUALLY WIND UP IN THE GUTTERx
SCHOOLfS DISMISSEDI '/ 04-0--r- ( +..~!!~y
0 r _ ~iC+t,v ~Z_" G~•~ l'., `~ C'OSTELLO : YOU KNOW SOMETHING, FRANK, I LIKE YOU . YOUl RE A NT E GUY~,~~v `
AND I HOPE YOUIRE NOT JEALOUS,
SINATRA : WHY WOULD I BE JEALOUS OF YOU?
C OSTELLO : WELL ON ACCOUNT OF IfM A SINGER, TOO .
SINATRA : ItM GLAD TO HEAR IT . THEREfS ALWAYS ROOM FOR ONE MORE
SINGER ON THE RADIOo
COSTELLO : FRANKo I WANT YOU TO D 0 ME A FAVOR . MY MOTHER IS LISTENING Q-zl'o( . 0-jol 411~ --9-4 -ko xe.~ .'~~. --~~ IN AND A~SO MY UNCLE ARTIE STEBBINS . . . . NOW, IF YOU VuOUL A"D
SING A SONG WITH MEs THAT WOULD BE A FEATHER...~.. IN.... MY_._ . CAPI....._ SINATRA : OKAY . TAKE THIS PIECE OF MUSIC AND IILL MAKE YOU AN
INDIAN CHIEF,,,TILL START THE SONG AND YOU JOIN IN WHEN IT
COMES TO YOUR PART . I HAVE YOUR...... _ .. PART MARKED IN-RED....~ ...... _.
~__MUSI.C .:..._...... (VAMP ) 11ONE.,. MEAT BALL" COSTELLO : (OVER MUSIC ) OH, BOY, A DUET WITH FRANK SINATRAd "-l ,~ Lr,~ al MUSIC : 11ONE MEAT BALL" SINATRA COSTELLO AND ORCH
(APPLAUSE) ~ f•20«
NILES : Abbott and Costello with their guest will be back for
Camel cigarettes in just a moment .
MUSIC • C~UICK FANFARE
MCGEEHAN : Thanks to the Yanks of the weekl Tonight we salute Marine
Corps Private First Class Cara. C, Smith, of Winston»Sale mi
North Carolina, He has just been awarded the Bronze Star
for heroic achievement on Saipan . Accompanied by a small
group of men, he worked his way through heavy enemy machine
gun fire to remove mines holding up the tanks and
infantry behind him. In you r honor, Private Smith# the
makers of Camol.s are sending to our fighters overseas four
hundred thousand Camel Cigarettes .`~ `/O
.MUSIC._,~...~._:.._ ._FANFARE..~,....,...._..~.._.~ (APPLAUSE)
NILES : Each of the three Camel radio shows honors a Yank of the
Week by sending# FREE, four hundred thousand Camel
cigarettes overseas , . . a total of more than a million
Camels sent free each week . Camel broadcasts go out to
the United States three times a week, are rebroadcast to
practically every area in the world where our men are ~ Ln fighting and, in cooperation with the Good Neighbor Policy# ~ also to Central and South America . Listen tomorrow to Ln ~ Jimmy Duranto and Garry Moore ; Monday to Bob Hawk in .
"Thanks to the Yanks1l ; and next Thu~ radaZ to Abbott and Costollo, ,/ ~ ~, cyl U M Z*- (APP~LAUS_E_)
v ..2L_ t C? NILES : AND NOW HERE ARE BUD ABBOTT, LOU COSTELLO, AND FRANK
SINATRA, WITH A FINAL WORD --
ABBOTT : WELL, FRANK, THANKS FOR COMING OVER, . .ITIS BEEN A LOT
OF FUN .
SINATRA : IT REALLY HAS BUD, AND IIM VERY GLAD I MET YOUI
COSTELLO : HOW ABOUT ME, FRANKIE? UP TILL TONIGHT YOU AND ME WERE
STRANGERS1
SINATRA : YES, AND LETIS KEEP IT THAT WAY
__SOUND.._ __: ..__LOUD...~. KNOCK . DOOR OPFi~TS ALLMANs (SWEET OLD LADY) WELL, WELL, THERE YOU ARE .
ABBOTT & SI:NATRA : LOOK, IT'S OUR OLD TEACHER .
COSTELLO : MISS PICKLEMEYER•p e~,~~ ~-~c-c
ALLMANs (SWEETLY) THATIS RIGHT, I JUST COULDN'/T RESIST COMING
OVER, REMEMBER TWENTY YEARS AGO I PREDICTED YOU BOYS
WOULD WIND UP IN THE GUTTER?
SINATFZA, ABBOTT, YEAH? C OSTELL O
ALLMAN ; ( SWEET ) WELL . . .( TOUGH ) I WAS RI~GHT 1
ABBOTT : G00DNIGHT FRANK, GOODNIGHT FOLKS 1
SINATRA : GOOD NIGHT .
COSTELLO : GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY . ~of
._M(JSIC...._. __: ._THEME.__~ -- HOLD UNDER . ( APP~ )
NILES : Yaw, folks, be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show brought to you by CAMEL
Cigarettes . . . and remember - CAMELS are worth asking for
every time . See for yourself how CAMELIS triildness,
coolness, and flavor click with you 1L---~ ~~ ~2_,t,
MUSIC : THEME UP AND UNDER AND FADE OUT ON CUE
51459 9260 G- _22_ ~~~ ~ ~i ~ SH:CELDS : Saw in a column the other day that more and more men every
(Isolation , Booth) day are smoking corncob pipes . Grand smoke, the good old
American corncob, But, . .like any other pipe . . .no better,
mister, than the tobacco you put into it . A corncob can
be a sweet, cool, mellow smoke -- when it's loaded up
with Prince Albert . Because Prince Albert gives you all
the rich, full-bodied mellow, he-man, real tobacco
flavor - but it won't'bite your tonguei No sir, it's
no-bite treated - a very special process -- that takes
out the bite and burn . Yep, and Prince Albert is
crimp cut, too, f or firm packing and even burning right
down to the bottom of the bowl, Big bargal.n, too, just
about fifty pipefuls per package . Ask f or Prince Albert today !\-~
MUSIC : SNEAK IN THEME UP FADE FOR : NILES : The Abbott and Costello show f or Camel Cigarettes will be back at this very same time next week . ~~
This is Ken Ni,lea in Hollywood wishing you,~a pleasant good-night :
(APPLAUSE)LAUSE)
MUSIC : THEME TO FINISH NBC ANNCR : THIS IS THE NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY :~ :~. -~. 3 OIC7-