r I". S DRCI A D CA .1 T THE ABBOTT AND COSTELLO PROGRAM F' OR CAMEL CIGARETTES N .B .Cq „ STUDIO "A" Thursda y, March 1j 1945 7a00 - 7130 PM PWT CAST Frank Sinatra - GU ST Connie Haines Elvia Allman Mel Blanc Mabel Todd Bea Benedarett Ken Niles Freddie Rich - Pat McGeehan Fred Shields _SOUND...._. ____, EFFECTS.,..... HOUSE DOOR SCREAMS (GIRLS ALA SINATRA ) RIP OF PA PER MARCH ING FEET KIDS (SCHOOL ROOM) V MA.. MUSIC : "PERFIDIA" . .INTRO . .SEGUE _.___.~... ........... ...._.._._. MUSZC ; BAND SING:~ .C . .A . .M . .E, .L . .S NILES ; The Abbott and Costello program l-- Brought to you by CAMEL$ the cigarette of costlier properly aZed tobaccos . See if your throat and your taste don't make Came1l a first with you, too . Find out for yourself 1 02~ MUSIC..__ _;., ..SWEEPS..~.~..~_..._., ..,~_UP.. ...rAND......_ ..__UNDER........_... NI:L,ES : Listen to the great rhythms of Freddie Rich and his Orchestra, the owingy»singing of Connie Haines 1 AND - That little fat boy, who, when he heard Frank Sinatra was u?,4- 't.. g going to be onAdw show ton .ight~ said -M COSTELLO : HFEEEYYYYYX, ABBBBBOTTTTTTTI` .MUSIC....._,_......: UP TO FINISH._.....,...._... ( APPLA.USE~ me ABBOTT & COSTELLO (REVISED) -1- 3-1-45 ABBOTT : COSTELLO, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? AND WHOIS THAT FELLOW STANDING BEHIND YOU? C OSTELLO : OH THIS GUY? HE WORKS FOR ME ABBOTT . ABBOTT : WHAT DOES HE DO FOR YOU? COSTI:LLO : WELL I BROKE MY SUSPENDERS THIS MORNING, A ND HE FOLLOWS ~ cf~- CA . ~yv ~e:~fe~~fe~,, ME AROUND AND HOLDS HIS HANDS ON .MY HxPS .n ABB07:'T : YOU SHOULD BE ASIiAMED OF YOURSELF . .JUST LOOK AT THE CONDITION OF YOUR CLOTHES . .pYOU KNOW WEIRE HAVING FRANK SINATRA AS OUR GUEST TONIGHT . fHOW CAN YOU BE SO UNTIDY?V C OSTELLO : I'M UNTIDY? DID YOU EVER GET A GOOD LOOK AT SINATRA? THAT GUY LOOKS LIKE A STANDIN FOR A DUST M0PI ABBOTT : AHa AHd. AHd WEILL HAVE NO INSULTSd SINATRA IS CONSIDERED A VERY HANDSOME MAN : COSTELLO : HANDSOME? HE IS SO SKINNY, IF THEY WANTED TO HANG HIM, THEYID HAVE TO PUT THE ROPE UNDER HIS ARMSI ABBOTT : COSTELLOI LOOKS ARENtT EVERYTHINGi SINATRA IS VERY INTELLIGENTI HEIS A COLLEGE M!{NS HE HAS A SHEEPSKINI COSTELLO : WHY D ONtT HE WEAR A VEIL, AND NOBODY WILL NOTICE zT! ABBOTT : YOU SHOULD BE VERY GLAD THAT SINATRA IS COMING HERE TONIGHTI WE MAY EVEN PERSUADE HIM TO SING FOR USI COSTELLO : ABBOTT, IF THEREIS GONNA BE ANY SINGINt HERE TONIGHT, I WILL DO IT1 NOT SINATRAj A13B0TT : BUT COSTELLO . .HOW CAN YOU COMPARE YOURSELF TO FRANK'? . -,-SINATRA.....~.~._.-~ HAS -TALENT.-~..~ ...I. COSTELLO : IIVE GOT TALENTI Ln H cn ABF30T`.P : SINATRA APPEALS TO WOMENI %D a COSTELLO : I A PPEAL T O WOMEN E N oP N ABBOTT : SINATRA MAKES THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS A WEEKI COSTELLO= I APPEAL TO WOMENS i ABBOTT & COSTELLO 3-1-45 (REVISED) -2- COSTELLO : ABBOTT YOU SHOULDNIT HAVE INVITED THAT GUY OVER HERE . ITIS DANGEROUS . .WEtRE LIABLE TO BE STAMPEDED BY A MOB OF pAMES I ABBOTT : COSTELLO, SINATRA IS FANS ARE NOT DANGEROUS 1 COSTELLO : OH NO . .WIiEN HIS LAST PICTURE PLAYED IN NORTH HOLLYWOOD, SIX USHERS GOT THE PURPLE HEART I ABBOTT : TALK %ESE, C ST ELL0 1 COSTELLO : THERE+S BEEN CRAZY PEOPLE HANGINI AROUND HERE ALL DAY . 0 DAMEITH A POToV G NfrMS ~~ ~I ........ .9~ ~z.~ 'q ABBOTT : WHAT I S CRAZY ABOUT THAT ? COSTELLO : THEY WERE GROWING OUT OF HER HEAD I ABBOTT : COSTELLO, I BELIEVE YOUIRE JEALOUS OF SINATRAfS PERSONAL, MAGNETISM I COSTELLO : IlM SORRY TO HEAR THAT ABBOTTI I DIDNIT KNOW SINATRA HAD MAGNETISMt . THATtS TERRIBLI1 MY GRANDMOTHER HAS MAGNETISM IN HER RIGHT LEG I ABBOTT : N01 N01 YOU DUMMYt YOUR GRANDMOTHER DOESNfT HAVE MAGNETISM1 SHE HAS RHEUMATISMI SHE GETS STIFF' . IN THE JOINTS I COSTELLOt SHAME ON YOU ABBOTTl MY GRANDMOTHER NEVER TOOK A DRINK IN HER LIFEl (2ND REVISION) , -3w 4 y SOUND : KNOCK ON DOOR E3EA : I BEG YOUR PARDON GEN TLEMEN . .WHICH ONE OF YOU IS SINA ZRA ? COS'I'ELLO : ABBOTTt IlI,L BET THIS JA WAS SENT IN HERE BY TOMMX DORSEYI BEA : JUST A MINU TE, JUNIOR 1 YOU ARE ADDRESSING THE PRESIDENT OF THE _PITKIN..... _. _. _. _. ~ ...AVENUE.,..-_. _...... ....BRANCH., _...., _..... OF THE SAM SINATRA FAN CLUBI ABBOTT : MADAM, THE NAME IS FRANK ANK SINA 7RA i BEA : NOT IN BROOKLYN, I T A IN fT . DO YOU KNOW THA T IN MINE BRANCH OF THE SAM SINA ZftA FAN CLUB WE GOT OVER FOUR -HUNDRED.-.--..r.,. ..,MEMBERS.,....~..._..~ ...NOT INCLUDING THE DR. ..OOPS.-..,..- ...»l ABBOTT : WHO ARE THE DROOPS? COSTELLO : THATIS THE MENtS AUXILIARYI BEA : HOW DARE YOU TALK THAT WAY ABOUT SINAZRA? (SWOON) HIS VOICE REALLY SENDS THE GIRLS ! COSTELLO : THATIS NOTHING .,,MY VOICE NOT ONLY SENDS THEM, BUT IT WRAPS fEM, CRA TES 1EM, AND DELI VERS IEM R IGH T TO THE DOOR I ABBOTT : YOU SEE THA T, COSTELLO, WOMEN ARE CRAZY ABOUT FRANK S INA 7RA l COSTELLO : I CANIT UNDERSTAND IT, WHEN HE WAS BORN THE STCRK DELIVERED HIM TO THE Y .M .C .A . ABBOTT ; WHA T FOR? COSTELLO : SO 'THEY COULD BUILD HIM UP A LITTLE BEFORE SHOWING HIM TO HIS FOLKSIv'-' ... ~ ~ ..a ,~MUSIC : PLAYOFF......._..,.,, (ArPLAUS F ) % o N G ~ ABBUIT & COSTELLO ~ 3/1/45 (REVISED) -5- COMMEECIAL NTLEa : How often I've stood up to this microphone and said to you, "Compare Camels with other cigarettes, folks . Compare their mildness, their full rich flavor ." Lots of you during this shortage have had to make comparisons whether you wanted to or not . Now I hear smokers saying, "Boy, I never knew how good those Camels were . How mildo What fLavor . Now I reall,y........~._... appreciate fem ." Wela_, keep on asking for them, folks, every time you buy cigarettes . Because when you do~ get Camels, theyfre still Camel.sJ Properly aged tobaccos, blended the true Camel way . We made more cigarettes in 1944 than ever in our history, and production schedules pre ovide for more in 1.945 »- and that still wi,thout using green, insufficiently cured tobaccos . War or Peace . MUSIC : (BAND SINGS) C . .A . .M . .E . .L . .S NILES : Camels are still CamelsJ L,f .ON•WAft y 5 ~ N MUSIC : INTRO t "MY HEART IN2SI' EADE FOR : 6~ -,C "cMr :e, NIZ,ES : Nowmiow Camel ;~w ~ 1.ovely Connie Haines ~, "My Heart Singa" . MUSIC : "MY HEART SINGS"H NE AND ORCHESTRA) ~. 3 ~~ ( AP P~LAUSE) 7 I71C3 COSTELLOs (SINGING) SUNDAYS MONDAYi TUESDAYi WEDNESDAYS THURSDAY„ b'RIDAY* SATURDAY . .o(TALKING) WELLS THAT ENDS THAT WEEKL ABBOTT : YOUIVE GOT TO STOP MAKING THAT RACKETS COSTELLO . IIVE TOLD YOU YoUtRE NOT A SINGERt COSTELLO : IS THAT ~D? WFLLS I USED TO SING IN A QUARTETTE WITH TEN OTHER GUYS . ABBOTT : TEN OTHER GUYS? THERE ARE ONLY FOUR PEOPLE IN A QUARTETTE, COSTELLOY OHi NO WONDER WE SOUNDED SO LOUD . ABBOTT : COSTELLOO YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS SINGING ON THE SAME PROGRAM WITH SINATRA, HE HAS A TRAINED VOICE . HE HAS TECHNIQUE . .HE HAS COLOR, COSTELLO t GEE0 HE SINGS IN TECHNICOLORI ABBOTT : NOi BUT HE KNOWS THE FI ER POINTSp SUCH AS BREATHING . COSTELLO : I KNOW BREATHINGO T00 . I BEEN BREATHING FOR YEARS . ITIS A HABIT I PICKED UP WHEN I WAS A KID . .,,,,BESILESv WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE SINATRA IS BREATHING? SOUND: LOUD KNOCK ON DOOR ABBOTT s THERE IS SOMEBODY AT THE DOOR, . IWONDER WHO IT IS? COSTLLLOt IT AINtT SINATRA . HE CAN1T KNOCK THAT HARD, ABBOTT : COME INl SOUND : DOOR OPENS f3L'!NC 8 GOOD EVENINGS GENTLEMEN, I, HAVE A SPECIAL MICROPHONE FOR MR . SINATRA, COSTELLO 8 WHAT 'S THE MATTER WITH THE MICROPHONE WE GOT HERE? BLAivC e IT IS TOO WIDE l , AtiriU'1"1' t ^UH o I SEI, YOU WANT MR . SINATRA TO BE S EE.fiT t COSTELLO : THAT GUY COULD HIDE BEHIND A WIRE o+- I WONDER WHA .T SINATRA DOES WITH HIS RED PO, EVERYBODY IS ALLOWED A LITTLE MEr.T l r BLANC s WELL HERE t S THE SPEC IAL MICROPHONE .~.ND BE CAREFUL OF IT 3 COSTELLO : WAIT A MINUTE, MR . IlD LIKE TO ASK YOU A%UESTION ~~ BLANC a uVHl.T IS IT? COSTIaLLOB WHEN SINATRA SINGS* DOES HE STf :ND UP? BLANC : OF .'COURSEd COSTELLO : ALONE?? BLANC E YI:S, INDEED. NOW BE SURE NOT TO BREAK THE HANDLES OFF HIS MXCROPHONE, . .•G00Df3YF~~ . SOUND : DOOR CLOSESM--OPENS TODD : G00]) EVENING, IIM MR . SIN11TR11 IS NURSE . COSTh'LLO t YOU MEAN TO SAY HE IS .STILL... _..,.,. GOT A NURSE?.,.... _,... hBBOTT s COSTELLO . ,THF+,:RE lS NOTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THl1T, TODD: I)IDN IT YOU EVER Hi^~VE A NURSE, YOUNG MAN? COSTELLOt YEC,H, BUT I LET HER GO GVHEN I WI`..S SIX WEEKS OLD, . AND IF . SHE LOOKED LIKE YOU, I WOULDN tT HAVE Wh ITFD THAT LONG1 I.BBOTT s DON IT MIND COSTELLO . , ., VVHAT Cl•,N WE DO FOR YOU, MISS? TODD: WELL, VIE, ALWAYS EXAMINE EVERYBODY WHO COM1aS IN CONTACT iVITH MR . SINIITRA . .N01•N THIS LITTLE FAT MAN HERE LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT PROVIDE A VERY GOOI) HOME FOR GERMS, C 0 STELLO t oYOU KEEP MY RELATIVES OUTTA THIS . TODD : OPEN YOUR MOUTH, PLEASE . ~ CO STELLO s 11HHIIH 1 TODD: A LITTLE WIDER, PLE ASE . COSTELLO : hHHHHH3 TODD : WIDER ., . C 0 STELLO t ( LOUDER ) 11HHH 3 TODD: WIDERb COSTELLO : WIPE YOUR FEET OFF BEFORE YOU COME IN . r TODDS NOGu, MR . COSTELLO+ H£;S ANYBODY TLKEN YOUR PULSE LATELY? COSTELLOa N0, I GOT IT RIGHT HERE WITH Mk.