A NEWSLEHER BY AND FOR JEWISH-CHRISTIAN FAMILIES

volume three, number one August/September 1994 Innovative Ideas for Celebrating in an Interfaith Home

nterfaith families can't help but create you find other sources and samples that DOVETAIL'S rituals. Frequently, sometimes help get your creative juices flowing, to Editorial Advisory Board unwittingly, Jewish-Christian couples send us a brief review, so that we can develop ceremonies and day-to-day share your finds with other DOVETAIL IRWIN H. FISHBEIN rituals that fit their special family readers. Director of the Rabbinic Center situation, using as a foundation their As a follow-up to our last issue on for Research and Counseling, two sets of traditions, heritages and Westfield, New Jersey adult children of intermarriage, our memories. When families are conscious Personality Profile features the story of LESLIE GOODMAN-MALAMUTH Co-Author of Between Tivo Worlds: about their ritual-making, they can a U.S. Senator raised in a Jewish- Choices for Grown Children of deepen relationships and forge lasting Christian home. Maine's Senator Jewish-Christian Parents linkages for generations to come. William S. Cohen, who now considers LEE F. GRUZEN Rituals help families make sense of himself a Unitarian, grew up in Bangor Author of Raising Your jeivishl their lives. The symbols we use—a with a Jewish father and a Catholic Christian Child: How Interfaith prayer, a song, a special food—enable mother. The story of his experience as Parents Can Give Children the Best of Both Their Heritages us to find meaning or mark important he prepared for a bar mitzvah will PETER K. MEEHAN transitions. For interfaith families provide much food for thought for Pastor of St. Emeric's Church, especially, the consistent and repeated concerned clergy and interfaith parents. New York; use of home rituals can help weave a The story of another Jewish-Catholic Co-Author of Happily Intermarried: solid and unique family fabric, full of union opens an Opinion piece by a Authoritative Advice for a Joyous Jezvish-Christian Marriage color and texture. British who has worked extensively When creating your own family with intermarried couples in England. JOHN WADE PAYNE Pastor of Park Avenue Christian rituals, it is especially important to be The vast majority of DOVETAIL'S Church, New York; clear and open about what you are readers are North American, and we •'• • Co-Author of Happily Intermarried: doing. Both children and extended hope that you will enjoy a perspective Authoritative Advice for a Joyous families will benefit greatly from from another part of the world. Jewish-Christian Marriage discussions of why you've chosen to For further clues into the demograph• BRUCE ROBBINS have a special Friday night dinner or ics of DOVETAIL readers, stay tuned in General Secretary, General Commission on Christian Unity how you decided to celebrate Christmas coming months as we compile the and Interreligious Concerns, and Hanukkah separately. results of the reader survey in our last United Methodist Church The authors in this issue's Forum issue. If you haven't yet returned your ROY A. ROSENBERG section have spent a great deal of time survey, it's not too late! • Rabbi of Temple of Universal and energy developing rituals with their , New York; interfaith families. Two women—one Co-Author of Happily Intermarried: IN THIS ISSUE Authoritative Advice for a Joyous Jewish and one Catholic—share their Forum: Creating Innovative Jewish-Christian Marriage experiences and insights, offering a Rituals 2 ANDREW S. WATSON number of specific ideas for families who Book Review 6 Professor Emeritus of Psychiatry & are working to enrich their own ritual life. Resources: Prayer 7 Professor Emeritus of Law, Many families find that the develop• Personality Profile: University of Michigan ment of meaningful rituals is easier Senator William Cohen 8 Membership on DOVETAIL'S Editorial when they have written examples to Opinion; Intermarriage in Britain ... 10 Advisory Board does not necessarily imply consider. The Resource section contains Bulletin Board 11 endorsement of the articles and opinions a list of useful books of prayers to use as expressed herein. Letters 12 a starting point. We encourage you, as FORUM Creating Innovative Rituals in an Interfaith Home

LAYA TAMAR As I helped one interfaith couple school eased the transition into is a licensed create a naming ceremony in which incorporating a blessing before each clinical social their son was given a Hebrew name, meal within our home. "Earth who worker and a we needed to find a way to honor gives us this food. Sun who makes it certified Life-Cycle this child's Jewish lineage as well as ripe and good. Dear Earth, Dear Counselor and Sun, by you we live, our loving Guide. She lives in his Irish Catholic ancestry. Even Boulder, Colorado. though this family had agreed to thanks to you we give. Blessings on raise their child as a Jew, both the meal!" parents also wanted to feel that With time and the reawakening of hen I began my family, I their respective families were being my connection with Judaism, it was was a non-practicing Jew acknowledged and had a place in easy to begin to substitute for the W(except for a strong nudge their son's life. The common Waldorf verse a Hebrew brucha— that came at the High Holidays, ground where this couple met was HaMotzi Lechem min HaAretz (bread Passover and Hanukkah) married to a nature—each felt a sense of awe and of the earth) or Borai P'ri HaAdamah non-practicing Christian. When we wonder and a love of the natural (veggies growing in the earth). had our son, I knew that I had to world. So, while the naming cer• Other families have chosen to have him circumcised with the emony we created incorporated incorporate a moment of silence Jewish ritual of a brit milah cer• several Jewish prayers, Hebrew emony. With my ambivalence songs, and family stories about the DOVETAIL'S mission is to provide a chan• about my Judaism, and with a mohel Jewish grandfather for whom the nel of convmunication for interfaith couples, (the person who performs the ritual child was named, there was also an their parents and children. The more families can share their ideas, experiences, resources, circumcision) who related to my emphasis on nature. This was a gift and support, the more they can make peace in son's father as a non-entity, I was that together each partner could their homes and communities. Jewish and left after the ceremony with a series commit to sharing with their son. Christian perspectives can dovetail. of painful memories. Since that Another key element in this Believing that there are no definitive answers difficult time I have become an naming ceremony was the inclusion to the questions facing interfaith families, active part of the life-affirming, of extended family and friends, who DOVETAIL strives to be open to all ideas and opinions. Editorial content attempts to joyous, and inclusive Jewish Re• served as a community to be present balance and respect the perspectives of both newal Community. With what 1 and witness this rite of passage. Jewish and Christian partners in interfaith now know and have experienced as With space for offerings of sponta• marriages, as well as the diverse perspectives neous blessings, this family felt of parents and children of interfaith couples. I have returned to Judaism, the Inclusion in DOVETAIL does not imply en• ceremony for my son's brit milah surrounded by the love and support dorsement. DOVETAIL accepts a thought• would have been very different. I of the important people in their ful and constructive discussion of all related understand now the importance of lives. issues in the Letters to the Editor section, and reserves the right to reply. being an active participant in the In creating rituals that feel alive creation and implementation of and honor our transitions, it is DOVETAIL (ISSN 1062-7359) is pubUshed family rituals. important that we speak honestly bimonthly (6 times per year) by: Dovetail when I help a family create a and pay attention to what is awak• Publishing, 3014A Folsom St., Boulder, CO ceremony, we look at what tradition ened within us, regardless of the 80304; (303) 444-8713. has to offer and the teachings source of the awakening. Sending DOVETAIL welcomes your comments, letters, and suggestions. Please send them to surrounding a given life passage. my son to a Waldorf school ben• Joan C. Hawxhurst, Editor. And we also look at what meaning efited me as well as him, by helping A one-year subscription is available for $24.99 this event has within the life of the me grow in my spiritual life and from the above address (Colorado residents particular family. This is true practices. Within the Waldorf please add sales tax). International subscrip• whether we're talking about an community, ritual is a very impor• tions are $35.00. Single issues are available for interfaith family or a family where tant part of the life of the school— $4.50 each. both parents are of the same reli• from the celebration of the festivals DOVETAIL welcomes article submissions gion. Especially for an interfaith to the daily blessings which honor and letters to the Editor. Send query or completed manuscript to Joan C. Hawxhurst, couple, a ceremony will truly serve the rhythms of the day and help Editor, at the above address. We look for• both partners only when it is nourish a sense of awe and wonder. ward to hearing from you. inclusive of their individual as well Adopting a verse at home that the Copyright © 1994 by Dovetail Publishing. as their common needs. children recited before eating at All rights reserved.

2 DOVETAIL AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 1994 More Ideas for Starting Your Own Rituals before a meal, a reading from Earth all appreciate the opportunity • Plan a yearly family get-together. Draw Prayers (see page 7 for more infor• afforded by observing to be a family tree so that people see how mation on this book), a book of more luxurious with our time, to be they are connected. Try to locate and poems and prayers from various quiet and reflect, to take a leisurely invite lost relatives. traditions, or simply a time for walk and appreciate what sur• • Make your family's holiday meals into potluck affairs to which each guest spontaneous blessings. Whatever rounds us. With the lighting of the "always" brings his or her specialty. the word choice, the important Shabbat candles and the blessing of • Incorporate volunteer work into the wine and challah, children learn holiday celebrations. Serve Christ• that there is a holiday every week. mas dinner at the local homeless Regardless of our In one family that I know, the shelter, or help deliver kosher food to religious background, we Shabbat meal on Friday evening is a the home-bound during Passover. time when the family focuses on Better yet, schedule a monthly or can all appreciate ttie weekly family service day, when you enjoying the leisure of being to• opportunity afforded by work together for someone else. gether. The children are able to • Pick a day for an annual celebration of observing Stiabbat to be choose what they want to eat from more luxurious witti our your two family's origins, lores and the table without any reprimands legacies. time, to be quiet and for their choices of food or portion • Once a week, have everyone bring reflect, to take a leisurely sizes. This allows everyone to feel something to the dinner table that has walk and appreciate relaxed and helps to make this a special meaning to him or her. Or have special mealtime. Another family each family member bring coins to the what surrounds us. chooses to write letters to each other Shabbat table each week, in the Jewish which they quietly slip under the tradition of tzedakah (Hebrew for dinner plates before the Shabbat 'charity' or 'mutual responsibility'). transmission is that we take time Collect them in a special container, and meal. Appreciation for each other, before our meals to bless the food when it is full, decide together how the which otherwise might be left that we are about to eat. money will be used. unsaid, is expressed in a tangible Bedtime is another place to • Build on the anticipation of annual incorporate rituals that address the way. Other families find a way to holidays by preparing beforehand. You needs of a growing child. Many express their appreciation for each might share a family Advent calendar families combine a bedtime story, a other and to review their week as before Christmas or a daily activity song, a prayer, and a review of the they share in spontaneous prayer during the Lenten season. day and acknowledgment of what around the table before eating. • Use special candlesticks, tablecloths, flowers, or plates to mark family events. one particularly appreciated. Some From the daily and weekly Some families like to have different families like to teach the prayer rhythms to the major passages objects to represent different tradi• which begins with "Now I lay me within the life of every family, ritual tions—a candelabra used only for down to sleep," while others teach celebration is a powerful, joyful and Jewish holidays, a platter saved the bedtime Shema and sing a healing way to honor the transitions especially for the Christmas turkey. lovely melody to invite the angels to within our lives. T Others link their family's cycle of events surround their children as they go by using something over and over to sleep. Whether one uses a throughout the year. A simple pottery particular prayer or allows for pitcher can be used as a vase on spontaneous words, there is an Shabbat, a vessel for pouring water at a welcoming ceremony, a decanter during honoring of the rhythm of the end the holidays, and the hiding place for of the day and the surrendering to small birthday gifts. sleep and the world of dreams. • At the beginning of the year, sit down Within the rhythm of the week, together and create a calendar of the we come to Shabbat, the Sabbath. year's special events. Talk about Rather than seeing it as a day of everyday rituals and holiday celebra• prohibition against all that we tions. Evaluate the previous year's cannot do, we can view Shabbat as a events, and give each family member time to offer suggestions for changes day to revel in taking the time and additions to the family's ritual simply to be together. Regardless of life. T our religious background, we can

AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 1994 DOVETAIL 3 FORUM Creating Innovative Rituals in an Interfaith Home

NANCY NUTTING COHEN So what kinds of things can be mirror by the front door, and on has degrees ritualized at home? Just about their way out, they pause, look at in theology and anything and everything! The their own reflection surrounded by religious education Jewish tradition has a beautiful the rest of us, and say, "Katie, the and is currently custom of offering toasts and/or thing I like most about you is ..." working toward a blessings for all occasions. Being On those occasional days when Certification in Catholic, 1 too was raised in a they have trouble thinking of Spiritual Direction. something, the rest of us chime in. • She lives with her tradition that not only had an family in Minneapolis, Minnesota. elaborate worship ritual, but also blessings for everything from cars, ne of the most unexpected animals, and homes to throats, Children are especially blessings that has occurred mothers-after-birth, and meals. good at finding things to Oas a result of our thirteen- Children are especially good at celebrate and, to the finding things to celebrate and, to year-old interfaith marriage is the extent that our hearts are way "ritual celebrations" have the extent that our hearts are open become a common and important to becoming child-like, adults too open to becoming child• part of our home life. We started can start noticing the little things like, adults too can start these home celebrations because we that can be ritualized. Here is just a noticing the little things felt a need to ritualize important sampling of ways one can celebrate that can be ritualized. moments in our life and, because of rituals at home: our interfaith status, didn't feel • Besides the Friday Shabbat service welcome and / or comfortable and all of the holiday celebrations • Use bedtime to reflect and share approaching our local church or that revolve around meals, we with children or spouse about temple. Even after we felt more include a ritual for every meal. when during the day you felt welcome and comfortable, however, The children take turns choosing closest to God/people/nature and we continued these home celebra• the prayer (we have five in our when you felt most distant. tions because it felt so right for repertoire, mostly generic camp- • Moving into a new house or home to be our place of worship style songs, but also one Hebrew renovating a portion of the house and for us to be the creators and blessing). Most often, they choose lends itself well to doing a ritual leaders of these rituals. "Johnny Appleseed"—"Oh, the blessing or dedication. Gather What's so important about ritual? Lord's been good to me, and so I friends together and ask them to I personally believe there is some• thank the Lord, for giving me the share their thoughts about what thing deep within our human things I need, the sun and the rain makes a house a home or to state psyche that needs to give outward and the apple seed. The Lord's their wish for what good might expression to what we're experienc• been good to me!". And we happen within the walls of that ing inside. Why else would we leap follow this by everyone sharing room or house. An art piece, wall up and yell when our favorite team how the Lord was good to him/ hanging, or mezuzah can then be scores a point? Why else do we her that day. dedicated as a visual reminder of have elaborate initiation rites for • Use a particularly popular meal the ritual that has taken place. everything from Girl Scouts to (we use a lox and bagel breakfast) • When a couple first learns that college fraternities? Why else do we to mark birthdays, religious and they're expecting a baby, they can give out cigars after the birth of a secular holidays (Mother's Day, gather family or friends together baby? Why else does our culture Father's Day, Memorial Day, to pray a blessing for a healthy allow us to "drop everything" in Labor Day, Valentine's Day), and pregnancy, a safe delivery, and order to attend the burial of a loved the beginning/ending of school wisdom and love for the parents. one? In that expression through and vacations. Because we like • Blessing seeds, gardens, and ritual, not only do we communicate lox and bagels so much, we find house plants can also be an the experience, but we deepen it as lots of things to celebrate! occasion to reflect on the ways we well. . . and if there has been pain, • One of my favorite blessing rituals have grown since we last planted the ritual contributes to healing. To is one that my children do to and how we want to grow in the ritualize is to be fully alive to the themselves each morning before coming season. significance of the moment. leaving for school. We have a • We have a quick and simple ritual

4 DOVETAIL AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 1994 for every trip that we take. As we noticed that we tend to be proud Rituals can sometimes be simple pull out of the driveway, whoever of and resolving to do better at and sometimes more thought out. is thinking fastest says, "God, pretty much the same things They can be daily happenings or keep us safe on this trip." And every year. Such is life!) one of a kind. They can be joyful or everyone else answers, "Amen!" In creating your own rituals, I solemn. Their real power lies in the (It started as something I would invite you to think about the follow• doing and the remembering. As one say, but now the children are ing: friend often laughingly says in the beating me to it!). 1) What values are you trying to midst of the daily chaos, "Oh, well, • For our tenth anniversary, my express? Possibilities include we're creating good memories for husband and I decided to renew family, growth, forgiveness, our children!" That's what ritual our marriage vows. We invited awareness of a Higher Power, celebration is all about! T the priest-friend who witnessed love, wholeness, etc. our wedding to come for dinner, 2) What songs, prayers, and we looked through photo albums, readings express those values? told our kids about our wedding Feel free to use contemporary day (for the umpteenth time!), and songs and readings (especially recited some of the prayers and children's books!). the vows from our wedding. As a 3) What action could be used as symbol of caring for one another, part of the ritual? You might we (including our children and want to trv sharine a meal. Father Greg) washed each other's giving a hug, writing some• feet, with James Taylor's "Shower thing, washing feet, hghting a the People (You Love With Love)" candle, creating something, etc. MOVING? Please let playing in the background. We 4) What symbol can be part of the us know! Because had purchased an Israeli sculpture ritual and then serve as a DOVETAIL is mailed of a four-person family which we reminder afterwards? You blessed, and I also put together a might use a photo, wall hang• third class, It is not framed collection of favorite ing, statue, book, candle, the automatically photos from "The First Ten Years" created something, etc. which we hung on the wall. 5) What key people do you want fonvarded. Call or Finally, after the kids went to bed, present and how can they be write with your new Harry and I shared our "pre• involved? I have found that address, and your arranged but surprise tributes" the more people are involved with each other and Father Greg. and share what they believe, subscription will not I wrote about (and read aloud) the the more powerful the experi• be interrupted. ten things 1 have come to love ence is. most about Harry and he recorded together the portions of love songs that remind him of me. The whole evening was a powerful DOVETAIL is looking for articles for upcoming issues. If you are ritual! interested in writing about any of the following topics, or if you have • As part of a birthday celebration, an unrelated article idea, please contact us. We do accept unsoUcited retell the story of the birth and go nnanuscripts, but please send a copy, not the original, as we are not through old photos. always able to return them, • During the High Holidays, we've T The History of Intemiamage in the United States established the tradition of writ• ing on a page what "I'm proud of • Jewish-Christian Relations at the Institutional Level ..." and what "I'll do better at..." • When Someone in an Interfaith Family Dies and then stapling it to the previ• ous year's pages which are bound • Interfaith Coming of Age Ceremonies by decorated construction paper • When Interfaith Couples Seek Therapy called our "Book of Life." (We've

AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 1994 DOVETAIL 5 BOOK REVIEW Rituals for Our Times: Celebrating, Healing, and Ctianging Our Lives and Our Relationships or interfaith couples, the rituals with our past, define our present life, • What are the parts of the ritual that that have been handed down and show us a path to our future as you know are meaningful to people, from their families of origin we pass on ceremonies, traditions, generally go smoothly and people often do not fit their special needs. objects, symbols, and ways of being enjoy doing, that you want to be Somehow Jewish-Christian families with each other, handed down from sure to include? have to learn to revise, update, previous generations." • What are the parts of the ritual that gracefully discard, or blend traditions Imber-Black and Roberts describe feel obligatory, strained, or lack that are important to family members four types of rituals: day-to-day significance for people that you while being true to their own common essentials (like goodbyes, mealtimes, believe are possible to change? life. And, with or without supportive bedtimes), family traditions (birth- • Are there other parts of the ritual extended families and other families that also feel obligatory or tedious on similar journeys, this process can that you think would be very seem quite lonely. "Balancing rituals from difficult to change? How might you There are resources that can help. two very different limit or minimize the impact of One is a book by Evan Imber-Black traditions does not these more problematic parts? (herself in an interfaith marriage) and mean blending them The authors describe the ideal Janine Roberts. Rituals for Our into a meaningless blob, aspired to by interfaith couples who Times: Celebrating, Healing, and try to balance two traditions in their Changing Our Lives and Our Rela• or forcing one partner to family life. "Balancing rituals from tionships (New York: HarperCollins, participate in rituals that two very different traditions does not 1992) is full of first-person stories and may be uncomfortable, mean blending them into a mearung- practical examples of how a variety of but instead mal

6 DOVETAIL AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 1994 RESOURCES Ritual and Prayer in the Home of their backgrounds on each night of lthough it has gone out of tradition in your home. Each prayer Hanukkah. One night they had latkes fashion in many circles, is presented in simple Hebrew, ; , and kugel; another night they played Aprayer can be an important phonetic transliteration, and English. Hanukkah games with the grandpar• part of a family's ritual life. It can There are blessings for a new day, the ents. A third night was dedicated to encourage busy family members to bounty of our food. Sabbath and stories of freedom from Jewish and set aside time to gather and reflect holiday rituals, life and health, from Portuguese history. On Christ• on the meaning in their lives. It can comfort and forgiveness. Each page is mas Eve, they enjoyed a big feast of help anchor newly created rituals. illustrated with beautiful watercolor traditional Portuguese foods with It can encourage involvement by paintings. Raul's family of origin. The couple's young and old. Order by calling 1-800-4-KARBEN. children "accepted it as how the Jewish-Christian couples may holidays were done, and felt con• struggle to find prayer resources that Earth Prayers From Around the nected to each of their parents." allow both partners to feel comfort• World. Ehzabeth Roberts and Elias As they discuss life-cycle rituals, able and fulfilled. Jewish prayers are Amidon, eds. San Francisco: the authors cite the example of often in Hebrew, which the Christian HarperCollins, 1991. Michael and Mary, a young Jewish- partner finds difficult or impossible to This valuable resource is subtitled Methodist couple torn between their follow. Christian prayers sometimes "365 Prayers, Poems, and Invocations own idea of the perfect interfaith refer to Jesus Christ in a way that for Honoring the Earth." It includes wedding and the traditional desires of makes the Jewish partner uncomfort• writings about the Earth from Walt their parents. By establishing open able. Following are some resources Whitman, T.S. Eliot, Margaret and honest lines of communication that, while they may not fit for all Atwood, Robert Frost, Annie Besant, between themselves and their fami• interfaith families all the time, may Starhawk, Thich Nhat Hanh, Ho Chi lies, and by being clear about what nonetheless be of help as you work to Minh, Black Elk, W.E.B. DuBois, Pablo was most important to them, Michael incorporate prayer into your family's Neruda, and many others. It also and Mary were able to create a ritual life. includes a year-long calendar of Earth ceremony that balanced what they prayers, incorporating the seasonal wanted with the needs of their On the Doorposts of Your House: calendar, holidays from different families. "They arrived at a ritual that Prayers and Ceremonies for the religious and cultural traditions, and launched them with a clear sense of Jewish Home. New York: CCAR "Earth-related remembrances in their abilities to work together as a Press, 1994 (available in the fall). harmony with the spirit of various couple to define what was important This revised and expanded edition holy days." to them, while respecting much of of the classic Jewish home their parents' desires and values. prayerbook. Gates of the House, now Through Family Times: A Conversa• Their families-of-origin were able to includes a wealth of gender-sensitive tional Prayerbook for Today's World. come together comfortably at the readings and meditations for private Ginger Farry. Mahway, NJ: Paulist ceremony because they felt they had and family devotions on all occasions. Press, 1993. been heard in the planning stages of Order by calling (212) 684-4990 or This very simple little book of the wedding. Michael and Mary also 1-800-935 CCAR. rhyming prayers touches subject areas began to define a flexible ritual style that concern many families today— for themselves in relation to each The Oxford Book of Prayer. New marital ups and downs, problems other and to their families-of-origin." York: Oxford University Press, 1985. with teenagers, unemployment, stress, Rituals for Our Times is an inspira• This rather big book contains financial pressures, discernment for tion for families who are working to wonderful prayers from almost every the future, and the troubled times we make their hves meaningful, who religious tradition. all have at some point in our lives. want to pass on a rich set of traditions Published by a Catholic press, many and symbols to their children, and Thank You, God! A Jewish child's of the prayers are clearly Christian. who want to connect with the univer• book of prayers. Judyth Groner and Order from Paulist Press at (201) sal human need to celebrate and Madeline Wikler. Rockville, MD: 825-7300. • remember. T Kar-Ben Copies, Inc., 1993. A first prayerbook for young children. Thank You, God! is a won• derful way to introduce Jewish

AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 1994 DOVETAIL 7 PERSONALITY PROFILE

The Outsider: Maine Senator William S. Cohen by Mel R. Allen In one of the climactic moments during was born in my mother's bed on My obsession with basketball the Watergate investigation in 1973-74, a August 28,1940, on the third floor began with my father. People still say young freshman Republican congressman of a tenement building on Hancock he had one of the best two-hand set from Maine stood before his colleagues on Street in Bangor, just a few hundred shots they'd ever seen. I practiced the House Judiciary Committee during yards up the street from my father's shooting even in the dead of winter, at debate on articles on impeachment of the bakery. My grandfather Harry lived night by moonlight. I don't know president. His name was William S. Cohen, below us with my aunt Gittel. what drove me. Part of it undoubt• and only a year before he had been the edly came from my split heritage. To relatively unknown mayor of Bangor. A please my father, 1 started Hebrew few weeks earlier, despite intense partisan To most Gentiles I was a school when 1 was six. 1 knew imme• pressure to protect President Nixon, he had diately I was different. Jewish people cast the tie-breaking vote to order the Jew. To Jews I was know intuitively when you're part of president to turn over tapes that were always a Gentile. On them and when you're not. I just crucial to impeachment proceedings. eittier side I was ttie knew I was not part of them. As a Now he was saying that yes, he agreed outsider, ttie outcast, part Jew, you knew at least you had the that it was only circumstantial evidence that security of the Jewish communit}'. linked the president to the Watergate crimes. of eacli, wtiole of neittier. You were one of them, no matter the However, Cohen added, if you wake up and there's snow on the ground, you can You had to prove you were tough assaults that came from the outside. I didn't have that. To most Gentiles I surmise that it snowed during the night, on Hancock Street. If you didn't, the was a Jew. To Jews I was always a even if you did not witness it falling. bullies came after you. I was always Gentile. On either side I was the Conspiracy, he added, left few tracks, but the fighting then. 1 know 1 was a tough outsider, the outcast, part of each, morning snow could not be denied. Soon kid to deal with. My mother was the whole of neither. In Hebrew school afterward the president resigned. Though enforcer. My father never laid a hand the rabbi would ask, "How many of Cohen became famous for his principled on me, ever. 1 thirik my father loved stand, he was shunned by many members of you are keeping kosher at home?" me too much to discipline me, and my his party. "Cohen is almost too good to be and everybody else's hands would mother loved me too much not to. true," wrote The New Republic, "and in shoot up. The rabbi did not have a When I turned eight, we moved to the view of some Nixon diehards, too true to great sense of humor. And of course 1 Summer Street. It was just three be good." was a wise guy. Once he questioned minutes away by car, but it was like It did not matter that, although he is the the class, "Who was it who cried to crossing an invisible line where life son of a Jewish-Protestant marriage, he God?" and 1 answered, "Johnny Ray" worshiped as a Unitarian-Universalist. His was much more middle class. because Johnny Ray was a popular mail often contained ethnic epithets he had My father was like a Fiddler on the singer then. All my classmates heard since boyhood. Roo/character. He had all these giggled, and of course I got in trouble. Fifteen years later, as a member of the enthusiasms. He was a gregarious, I think I was saying, "If I can't come committee investigating the Iran-Contra back-slapping, loves-a-laugh man. If in, then 1 won't come in." affair, now-Senator Cohen found himself you ask people about my father, again at odds with many members of his they'll say, "Everybody loves Ruby My mother, to her credit, never party. "He's just not one of us, "said the Cohen." He had no ill feelings yielded. It could have been easier had chairman of the American Conservative toward others, so he couldn't imagine she converted, but she wouldn't. She Union. Again he received hate mail, some anyone not liking him just because he was Irish and Protestant and just as offering to "hang you, along with the other was Jewish. proud as she could be. Jew," referring to the committee's chief I remember on one of our drives to I made a deal with my father. I'd counsel, Arthur Liman. the coast coming to a beach with a go to Hebrew school Saturday ser• He is considered one of the most powerful sign, "No Dogs or Jews." When 1 was vices if 1 could alternate and go to the members of Congress, yet he remains a a Little League pitcher, I was wild in YMCA one Saturday a month instead. puzzling figure on Capitol Hill. Clearly one game and I hit two or three That caused a lot of resentment there is a distance between Cohen and the batters. One guy in the stands threw against me among my classmates. I normal way of business in the United States a beer can at me and yelled, "Send the was costing them the best attendance Senate. His memory begins on a Bangor award at Hebrew school. street. Jew boy home!" "Don't get angry, • • • Billy," my father would always tell 1 spend too much time talking me. "Don't fight. Kill them with about my father. My mother really is kindness." the one with the backbone in the

8 DOVETAIL AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 1994 family. She made everything possible river. 1 said to myself, "Now 1 don't for my father—and for me. She was With no warning the rabbi have to be a part of that ever again. from a poor Aroostook County told me that because my I'm through pretending." That was family. My father used to play mother was not Jewish, I very liberating. That was my turning saxophone in a band; they met at a point. Now I knew I was in this dance, and he fell head over heels for could not be bar alone, and I didn't have to be a part of her. She was only 16, a woman of mitzvahed unless I went anything that 1 didn't want to be. If I astonishing beauty. Like a movie star. through a conversion saw that rabbi today, I'd probably Even as a child I remember thinking, ceremony. even thank him. Even had 1 been bar "My God, is she beautiful." She mitzvahed, I wouldn't have been truly would get up at five in the morning, I had spent all those years in part of the community. When I was work all day in the bakery, help my Hebrew school, all those fights over finally able to say, and to know, that I father deliver the rolls, do the attendance—and nobody had ever was alone, it was really the begirming shopping, see that her family was told me about a conversion ceremony. for me. T fed—and she remained strong and Why hadn't they told me when 1 was beautiful. seven? 1 went down to the river. It Excerpted and reprinted with permission from I would imagine it was a problem was spring and the water was high the December 1990 Yankee Magazine, for my father, falling in love with an and churning. I walked right down to published in Dublin, NH. Irish girl named Clara Hartley from the edge. I wore a mezuzah around Aroostook. But would it have been a my neck, and I snapped it off and I problem for my mother to fall in love threw it as far as 1 could into that with the son of a Russian Jew? You would have to know her. She does not care about public opinion. She just dismisses it. Absolutely serene no Back Issues of DOVETAIL Available matter what people might say. She Did you miss the early issues of DOVETAIL? Or lend a copy to a friend, has never tried to be something she is never to see it again? Complete your set by ordering from the following list. not. She does not need to be sur• Send $4.50 per issue to DOVETAIL, making sure to note the issue number. rounded by anybody. She doesn't Quantities are limited, so order today! belong to any club. Issue 1:1: An Important New Resource for Parents & Children of AU Ages She was so important to me at a time when my life turned around. In Issue 1:2: The Two Ctiltures of Christianity and Judaism the spring before my 13th birthday I Issue 1:3: Christmas and Hanukkah: The "December Dilemma" was preparing for my bar mitzvah. With no warning the rabbi told me Issue 1:4: Interfaith Weddings that because my mother was not Issue 1:5: Grandparents of Interfaith Children Jewish, I could not be bar mitzvahed unless I went through a conversion Issue 1:6: Media Portrayal of Interfaith Families: ceremony. I asked what I would have How the Rest of the World Sees Us to do. He said I would be submerged Issue 2:1: Religious Education for Your Interfaith Children: in water, and there would be a How to Decide blessing, and then there would be an Issue 2:2: ReUgious Education for Your Interfaith Children: extraction of blood from a very Implementing Your Decision private place. 1 was so upset. I didn't go to my Issue 2:3: Conversion to A Spouse's Faith: Who Chooses It and Why father. I went to my mother. There Issue 2:4: Welcoming Ceremonies: Bringing an Interfaith Child were tears in my eyes. I said, "Mom, into the Community they're going to try to make me do this—I'm not going to do it." She Issue 2:5 Intermarried Clergy: A Special Example of Jewish-Christian said, "Billy, you're not going to have Harmony to." And she made sure my father Issue 2:6 Adult Children of Intermarriage Share Their Stories understood how I felt.

AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 1994 DOVETAIL 9 OPINION Catholics and Jews—Ideal Marriage Partners? by Rabbi Dr. welve years ago Mary and Daniel might have been one in ten Jews of prejudice, be it raised eyebrows, fell in love. They shared every marrying a Catholic. verbal asides, indelicate jokes, deliber• Tthing, except religion. When they The enormous discrepancy between ate insults, or physical violence. Both became engaged, Mary's parents refused the two figures is remarkable and groups know what it is to suffer to let her marry a non-Cadiolic, while suggests that it is no accident, but a discrimination and to be an outsider. Daniel's parents were equally adamant case of Jews and Catholics gravitating The result is that, despite the appar• that he should not marry outside the towards each other. My own experi• ent incongruity of two different faiths Jewish faith. The couple split up. ence in coimseling nearly two hundred having much in common, many Their tale did not end there. Daniel such couples indicates that there are Catholics and Jews feel very much at went away and married someone of his two main factors that engender an home with each other. They speak a own faith, but it proved an imsuccess- affinity between members of the faiths. common cultural language and share a ful match and ended in divorce. Ten The first is that many Cathohcs and convergence of values and experiences. years later, he returned to his home• Jews regard their religion as a cultvual The differences are enriching rather town and, to his surprise, found Mary identity rather than a beUef system. than threatening. still Uving there. Priests and may prefer to This time they allowed no external emphasize theological concerns, but Potential Problems factors to impede their togetherness, their flocks—particularly their noniinal Nevertheless, this magnetism does and they now have two children. Both flocks—view rehgion as a way of Ufe. not alter the problems that can also regard the marriage as blissfully This makes being Catholic or Jewish exist when a mixed-faith marriage happy, and orJy regret the decade that less exclusive, for whereas the "wrong occurs. There can be objections by the they needlessly spent apart. belief" could mean a person is a heretic respective families, headaches over Their story will be seen in some or liable for damnation, having a choosing where and how to be mar• quarters as the triumph of love over different backgroimd is no such sin. ried, heated debates over domestic tradition. Others will view it as a Another more positive consequence is issues (one partner brings home a religious disaster. Whatever our that Cathohcs and Jews can understand Christmas tree and the other sees it as a reaction, the fact is that the Catholic- why cultural roots are so signficant to declaration of war), squabbles over Jewish match represented by Mary and the other and are much better at what to do about the children, and Daniel is a very common one. tolerating them. crises at the far end of life when It is well-known that a large percent• The result is that distinctive family decisions have to be made as to where age of Jews in Great Britain marry non- traditions and home rituals are not seen to be buried and by whom. Jews, with estimates of up to 50 percent as a threat, but as natural and to be For some Catholic-Jewish couples having partners outside of the faith. respected. They can even be very these are merely issues that need to be What is only now coming to light is that a attractive, carrying the curious double tackled and resolved sensibly, so that surprisingly high nvmiber of these Jews— effect of novelty and familiarity: a each partner can maintain their own one in four—^have Catholic spouses. refreshing new variation of a theme religious identity without compromis• The figure comes from a series of experienced in one's own childhood ing their spouse or undermining their surveys undertaken at seminars for and remembered warmly. marriage. For others, the problems couples in interfaith marriages that 1 The second factor is that both faiths become a constant source of friction or have nm at the in are and always have been minorities in turn into breaking points. north over the last five years. Britain. It means that they have a Most couples spend all their energy It is the first time that detailed informa• similar world view and way of relating planning the four or five hours of their tion has been gathered on niixed-f aith to those outside of their faiths. More• wedding day—^whereas it is the next relationships in Britain and gives over, whereas both would feel forty or fifty years that need the real statistical backing for many trends that, swamped by the dominant rehgion if preparation if the marriage is to be until now, have largely been restricted they were to marry a member of the successful. Religious issues are an to anecdotal evidence. —officially still the important part of that life-plan. T vast majority of the population— Why So High? marrying a member of another minor• Rabbi Dr. Jonathan Romain is spiritual leader The one-in-four figure is far above ity group is not so challenging and of the in Berkshire, Great Britain. He has worked to develop a what one would expect statistically, allows one to feel one has not "sold more welcoming approach to interfaith given the fact that Catholics are out" or is so in danger of losing one's relationships in his country, holding annual themselves a small minority within the right to be different. seminars for interfaith couples at the Sternberg population of Britain. A more realistic The minority status of Cathohcs and Centre for Judaism in North London. reflection of the national percentage Jews has also led to shared experiences

10 DOVETAIL AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 1994 BULLET BOARD

Have you been thinking about starting a group for interfaith families in your area? Well, now may be the perfect time. As folks settle mto their , school-year routines, and as the High Holidays spur Jewish-Christian couples to think once again about the celebrations they observe, people in your area may well be interested in getting together to talk and share experiences. If you would like to be listed as a contact person for a new group, send your information to DOVETAIL, and we'll be happy to include it here in an upcoming issue.

Amherst, Massachusetts South Jersey/Philadelphia Chicago, Illinois Two existing local interfaith groups. Bifaithful Families & Children Network Jewish-Catholic Couples Dialogue Group Contact: Janet Lehan Bloom "Bifaithful" means that both religions/ Existing interfaith group. 38 South Mt. Holyoke Drive traditions/cultures are celebrated in the Contact: Patty and David Kovacs Amherst, MA 01002 home, even if children are given one 4941 N. Fairfield Ave. (413) 253-3685 religious identity (or none). Chicago, IL 60625 Contact: Sue Hanna (609) 596-6962, (312) 275-5689, or Hartford, Connecticut or Miriam Gilbert (609) 753-1173 Abbe and Dan Josephs Interfaith Chavurah for Liberal Judaism (708) 963-4565 Existing interfaith group looking for new Philadelphia Area members. Jewish Converts & Interfaith Network New Orleans, Louisiana Contact: Rabbi Steve Mason Support groups for grandparents, parents, Interfaith Friendship Group P.O. Box 270957 interfaith couples, converts and children of Currently forming a new group. West Hartford, CT 06107 interfaith couples. Contact: Sue Daube (203) 233-4932 Contact: Lena Romanoff, Director Jewish Family Service 1112 Hagysford Road 2026 St. Charles Ave. New Haven, Connecticut Penn VaUey, PA 19072 New Orieans, LA 70130 Existing interfaith group. (215) 664-8112 (504) 524-8475 Contact: Christina Giebisch-Mohrer 49 Brookside Drive Deerfield Beach, Florida Houston, Texas Hamden, CT 06517 Interested in finding other interfaith couples in Looking for an interfaith group in this area. (203) 287-9110 south Florida. Contact: Dan and Melinda Croft Contact: Lisa Foydel and Gary Kramer 8026 Big Oak Trail New YorIt, New Yorl< 636 Sandpine Circle, #2921 Houston, TX 77040 Temple of Universal Judaism Deerfield Beach, FL 33441 (713) 937-6589 Participation is open to all, and there is (305) 481-8224 no barrier to the marriage of a Jew to Los Angeles, California a non-Jew. Louisville, Kentucky Newly formed interfaith group. Contact: Rabbi Roy A. Rosenberg Interested in forming an interfaith group in Contact: Susan Bems 1010 Park Avenue this area. 4624 Mirador Place New York, NY 10028 Contact: Carolyn Humphrey & Fred Gross Tarzana, CA 91356 (212) 535-0187 3904 Therina Way (818) 609-1832 Louisville, KY 40241 Rocltland County, New yorl< (502) 423-8583 San Francisco Bay Area, California Interested informing an interfaith group in Existing interfaith group. this area. Columbus, Ohio Contact: Alicia Torre Contact: Eric and Elizabeth Kohlmeier Gateways: The Jewish Interfaith Connection 775 Buckland Ave. 3 Findlay Court Existing interfaith group. Belmont, CA 94002 - ' New City, NY 10956 Contact: Jan Buchler (415) 591-9434 (914) 639-9380 1125 College Avenue Columbus, OH 43209 San Francisco Bay Area, California Capital District area, (614) 231-2731 Interfaith Connection New York Groups for interfaith couples. Interested in either joining an existing group Cincinnati, Ohio Contact: Rosanne Levitt, Director or forming a new group in this area. Interested in forming an interfaith group in 3200 California St. Contact: John and Debbie Toy this area. San Francisco, CA 94118 112 Crescent Village Apts. Contact: Christine M. Segal (415) 292-1252 Clifton Park, NY 12065 7675 ShadowhiU Way (518) 373-8564 Cincinnati, OH 45242 (513) 489-8840 x276 (day) Woodstocl<, New Yorl< (513) 793-2866 (evening) Support Group for People in Interfaith Relationships Minneapolis, Minnesota Contact: Rabbi Jonathan Kliger Twin Cities Support Group P.O. Box 1057 Existing interfaith group. Woodstock, NY 12498 Contact: Chris Simon & Judy Sharken Simon (914) 679-7886 3446 44th Avenue South Minneapolis, MN 55406-2902 (612)724-8947

AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 1994 DOVETAIL 11 LETTERS

A friend of mine showed me some Alexander Pope declaimed that "a copies of DOVETAIL recently. I was little learning is a dangerous thing." DOVETAIL is movingi amazed at my emotional reaction—I DOVETAIL offers alternatives to As of July 15,1994, felt like laughing and crying all at such a danger, suggesting divergent please address all once. Seventeen and a half years ago, approaches to the interfaith dilemmas my husband and 1 were totally on our of families aspiring toward unity as correspondence to: own as we tried to find a rabbi and a well as individuality. DOVETAIL priest to marry us. We knew that Edith S. Engel P.O. Box 19945 getting married was right for us, but it Larchmont, NY Kalamazoo, Ml 49019 was hard to stand up to those people who thought we were wrong. We felt Have a suggestion about DOVETAIL or a alone. comment on one of our articles? Send your Now we are in an interfaith group letter to: DOVETAIL, 30UA Folsom Street, in Chicago—and we are part of a Boulder, CO 80304. Sorry, we can't promise community. And through DOVE• that all letters will be published, but we try! TAIL, I discovered there are lots of "us" all over the country. I feel a strong connection with this extended community. I know if 1 ever met any DOVETAIL Favorably Received of these people we would have so DOVETAIL was recently reviewed in the Library Journal (May 15, much in common and much to talk 1994, p. 109). about. I look forward to continuing "While there are some very basic theological, doctrinal, and ritual this relationship. differences between Judaism and Christianity, the facts of the matter are Bonnie Famon that the number of interfaith marriages in the United States is growing Naperville, IL rapidly, and the number of these that involve conversion of one or the other partner is declining steadily (between 1985 and 1990, only 18 percent). After fifteen years of leading a Thus, more and more children are being raised in interfaith environments. support group for grandparents in This supportive, upbeat 16-page newsletter "by and for Jewish-Christian divided families (a title encompassing families" was formed under the belief that "the more families can share racial, religious, ethnic differences and their ideas, experiences, resources, and support, the more they can make divisions, as well as legal ones), I have peace in their homes and communities." [DOVETAIL provides] a valuable moved away from intolerance. Now, and sincerely open-minded channel of communication. . .. Down-to-earth discussions on such topics are difficult to come by in general interest or thanks to DOVETAIL'S contributors even other religion-oriented magazines—but they are of paramount interest and editorials, my postgraduate and concern to caring interfaith families. Highly recommended to public or education in tolerance is constantly religious libraries serving interfaith communities." being augmented. Please share this with your local librarian.

DOVETAIL: A Newsletter BULK RATE by and for Jewish-Christian Families U.S. POSTAGE 3014A Folsom Street PAID Boulder, CO 80304 BOULDER, CO PERMIT NO. 649

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