'Kiss My Ass, Häagen Daz'
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MUSE.01.10.2013 ‘Kiss my ass, Häagen Daz’ Ice cream made of human breast milk, holy water and viagra? We meet the Icecreamists. MUSE. 01.10.2013 M5. The Elle France editor went celibate M12. Yu Neng spent two years in the Singapo- M18. Breast milk ice cream marketed as for 12 years. She tells Fiona Parker why sex rean army on National Service. We find out what Lady GooGoo? Charlotte Wainright finds isn’t for everyone. it takes to train to be a jungle fighter. out more. Arts. Music. Food & Drink. M7. Artist Saba Barnard paints the vibrant M21. Tegan and Sara don’t really like M26. We’ve binged to bring you the defini- faces of Muslim women colouring the veil working together so a co-written album is tive guide to York’s take-aways. Helena Park- debate. a miracle, as Francesca Donovan finds out. er’s waistline may never be the same again. M9. Bond is back, in the imagination of M20. The music team preview the official M27. Get ready to crumble as Sunaina Suri fanboy William Boyd. Emily Ross reviews. Freshers’ Ball, Live and Loud. brings you a twist on the classic apple crumble. Fashion. Film. Image Credits. M10. India Block chats to online Editor of UK M25. Alfie Packham looks ahead to Harry Cover and above right: Courtesy of Matt Vogue about getting the brand online, and the Potter spin-off Fantastic Beasts, and asks O’Connor shows to look out for in A/W ‘14 whether Rowling’s inclusion bodes well. M2 and M6: Courtesy of Sophie Fontanel; M3: Courtesy of Shirley Eaton; M5: Marianne.d CARTOON BY BRANDON SEAGER Anthem 4 Doom3d Yoof Lovingly borrowed from Wilfred Owen What sorrowed sighs for those who drink as alcoholics? Only the fleeting comfort of the toilet bowl. Only the brief euphoria of the frolic Can fill the sunken drunkards hole. No personal statements now for them, no merits nor A*s Poppy Nor any hope of extra-curricular accreditation - Only a rum be-spattered deck of cards; To honour their demise; their degradation. Bullard What lights guide them on toward their final sojourn, No more in the library, but in Salvation hence Shall the glory of their doom commence. The recklessness of the first fresher morn. They shall not grow old as we who are left grow old, But forever remain; a creature of the night. Not in splendour decked, but painted gold; C3PO a bittersweet testament to their fancy-dress might. So they lie where they fall; in Coney Street gutters To the ears of no congregation, only the bouncer’s mutters. In better times we can but try to impart our knowledge When, soft, the dawn breaks upon that mourning college. www.ey.com/uk/careers M3 01.10.2013 Tom Witherow Battling the Freshers Haters ged beings (yours truly by the YUSU welcome pack-load included) can get a bit (even of the ‘organised-not-spon- Atwitchy as this time of year. taneous-and-so-not-that-fun’ vari- The fresher invasion make me ety) is withering. And you fresher feel like a haggard old grandfather reader must thwart them. S’n’D bored stiff of his duties of care to might be a grim prospect, but Cab- the little brutes that he has to call aretD just gives us boys an excuse his grandchildren. to pop a white shirt and braces on. First is all that ‘fun’ they’re What do the girls have to wear? Oh having, loaded up months in ad- wait… Still not much. vance and forced upon them by At the end of this year you grinning union officers in need too will have to endure the freez- of a good shag to put a lid on all ing cold of pseudo-middle-class- that excess energy. Nobody has ‘so perjury (it doesn’t feel like an much fun’ in the way that a fresher Indian summer in my bedroom). does – how did we look upon the You too will bore of Kuda and its Willow queue as a thing of such queues, swelled by the latest influx joy in my early months? How did of excited little freshers, until you I wear Moroccan harem pants and also form up in front Bangers and tell my critics that I looked ‘ream’ Mash, a house night so achingly (means cool in ‘Essex’) and that impoverish-chic they might as well they really didn’t understand? A have called it House and Hummus. crotch that low is never a good So go forth fresher, and when look. York veterans sneer down their Fancy dress is an embodiment noses, long denied their sense of of this inexhaustible drive for the smell by the Ziggy’s toilets, you can F-word, but it rarely ends well. An tell them that you’ve got big plans unfortunate friend of mine woke for Fun. up in a strange bed wondering You’re going to dress as a slut- why the sheets were red, only to ty Moroccan Lawrence of Arabia, remember that he’d been unfor- get with your STYC in the Willow tunate enough to make love to a queue before returning to your burgundy-hued M&M. over-heated flat in the Boulevard Freshers being the age of our to sleep before you go out tomor- little siblings, is number two on row night. They will have little to the hit list. How are we meant to say, except perhaps, through clam- take them seriously when they’re my hands and shaking rage: “I… the same age as our little sister, library…dissertation… who only three years ago left the destitution…” house in ‘make-up’ and got picked up by the police on accusations of prostitution? Numero trio isn’t exactly the fault of the freshers, but pansying Shirley Eaton around the eggshells of the welfare brigade is enough to frustrate even Bond Girl, Goldfinger. the most conscientious Feminist Society panderer. My greatest fear is to have an illness where I ranean sea. But I also love seeing my two sons Last year, I sat around in a cir- would be left paralysed, could not communicate and five grandchildren, being loved and loving cle of head-STYCs (who were al- and would never be independent again. the man in my life, painting or photography when most all JCR committee members) I feel something else has taken over, listening to as we decided whether a naughty I worry that technology will take over our lives music and getting lost in it. little parent (female, before you completely, as it has been doing with its rapid ask) should have her fresher’s growth - a frightening, almost anti-human pace. A song I’m particularly connected to is “How wrist band ‘cut’. The mood was sol- Deep is the Ocean” because I was singing it on emn, as the case was weighed – the The best thing about being in my seventies is to the stage when I first met my husband when I JCRC Welfare Vice-Chair presid- feel young in spirit and heart, to be grateful for was nineteen. It was the first time he had seen me ing over the instense discussion. “I a blessed life so far, and to be utterly myself and perform. Then because of its meaning I sung it to saw her buying the fresher vodka” not to worry about what other people think and my husband on his death bed. is met with sharp intakes of breath; trust my own judgment. I love the fact that I have “I think they may have taken a taxi seventy six years experience of life behind me. There is nothing I would change about my life. together” sees the slow shaking of That may seem arrogant, however I am stuck with heads. And then the vote. The de- me and my life and I love it. cision. IT WILL BE CUT. The jury Bond wouldn’t be rose – assured in their duty of jus- I’ve come close to death. It was a near fatal car tice, their sense of power and self- accident on my honey moon. If I had been driving aggrandisement – and walked like Bond if film-goers my husband and I would have died, thankfully he a funeral procession leading said was driving at the time and accelerated past the girl to the gallows. lorry, where I would have stepped on the breaks But fear not freshers. Fresh- didn’t need fantasy and we would have gone crashing into its side. ers Haters will always be Hatin’ as I believe the expression goes (and in their lives. Bond wouldn’t be Bond if all those film goers out if not, it does now). It’s Freshers’ there, rich or poor, didn’t need some fantasy in Week. There are no bed times, no their lives, be it the fantasy all the men want and parents, no vegetables. And to top Young people should learn to have courage in some women too, Bond would never have become it off you’ve got a quota of at least all things and try to be caring to all people with so iconic. 20 photos of you passed out with confidence but humility. Follow your dreams with your head in a piss-filled urinal be- those attributes! Remember experience is the font The last Bond “Skyfall” wasn’t like the old fore your housemates start asking of all knowledge. Always listen to others as well as Bond.