Dr. He Said, Dr. She Said Advice Columns on How to Make Relationships Work Copyright © 2014 Hanalei Vierra and M’Lissa Trent All rights reserved. http://HowToKeepHer.com No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without prior written permission of the authors. ISBN: 978-0-692-24662-7 Contents Introduction 8 Commitment & Marriage 10 Boyfriend is Second Guessing His Move 11 Boyfriend Won’t Commit 12 Husband-To-Be Wants A Pre-Nuptial Agreement 14 Why Is Tere So Much Fear of Commitment in Tis Generation? 16 Why Should We Get Married? 18 Why We Can Believe in Marriage 20 Children, Family & Friends 22 Newly Engaged Fiancé Doesn’t Want Kids 23 Wife Wants to Have a Child 25 She Wants More Children 27 Husband Distant Since Birth of Baby 29 Husband Feels Left Out of Family 31 Baby Blues 33 Career Man Has Children 35 Disrespecting the Children 37 Fearless Fathering 39 A Generation of Entitled Children 41 R-E-S-P-E-C-T 43 Husband Still Attached to his Mother 45 In-Laws at Christmas 47 Blending Step Kids With Grandparents 49 Husband’s Arrogant Friend 51 Daughter’s 180 Degree Turn 53 Mother Fears Intolerant Sons’ Opinions 55 Communication, Intimacy, & Relationship Dynamics 57 How Do I Meet People? 58 Understanding Intimacy 60 Boyfriend Tries to Fix Her Problems 62 Wife Reminds Husband of his Mother 64 She Likes Bad Boys 66 Wife’s Attitude Oppresses Husband 68 Wife is Social Director 70 Wife’s Suicide Attempt 72 Communication Block 74 Te Underbelly of Unexpressed Emotions 76 What is “Fair Fighting”? 78 Rules of Engagement 81 Growing in Two Diferent Directions 83 Men in Relationships 85 Why Men Struggle in Relationships 86 Boyfriend Feels Jealous 88 Angry Husband 90 Husband is a Perfectionist 92 Husband’s Passivity Drives Wife Crazy 94 Overly Sensitive Husband 96 Is Angry, Overworked Husband Cheating? 98 Jealous of Her Girls Night Out 100 Men and Emotions 102 Men’s Emotional Makeover 104 Money 106 Financial Stress on a Relationship 107 How Relationships Emotionally Survive a Financial Crisis 109 How Economic Downturn Afects Relationships 111 Wife Financially Dependent on Husband 113 Wife Holding Financial Worries 115 Husband Spends Too Much Money 117 Wife Overspends 119 Wife Turned Money Hungry 121 How to Celebrate the Season During an Economic Crisis 123 Sex & Passion 125 8 Myths About Sex 126 What is Sexy? (Rated: PG) 128 Valentine’s Scrooge 131 Sexual Attraction Missing 133 Husband Not Having Enough Sex 135 Molested as a Child 137 Passion Matures 139 Trust 142 Husband Tells Little White Lies 143 Wife Having an Afair 145 Husband Had an Afair 147 Rebuilding Trust After an Afair 149 “No Secrets” Policy in Couples Counseling 151 Why People Don’t Trust Marriage 153 Health, Substance Abuse & Addiction 155 Stay-at-Home Mom Burnt Out 156 Step-Daughter on Drugs 158 Too Much Alcohol 160 Eating Disorder 162 Husband Doesn’t Trust Wife Just Out of Rehab 164 Pregnant Wife Worried About Husband Just Out of Rehab 166 Wife is Overweight 168 Husband Looks at Pornography 170 Age, Religion & Culture 172 Age Diference in Relationships 173 Born Again Christian Feels Duped 175 Boyfriend Sending Inappropriate Text Messages 177 How Technology Afects Relationships 179 Grief & Midlife Issues 181 Still Grieving After Two Years 182 Grief and Loss Over Death of Daughter 184 Feeling Stuck 186 Keeping Interest After Empty Nest 188 Menopause 190 Superwomen Gone Mad! 192 Endings 194 Wrong Reasons to Stay In a Marriage 195 Cheating Husband Wants Divorce 197 Husband Abandons Family 199 Can Separation Help? 201 Separated But Still Living Together 203 Almost Divorced and Still Battling 205 Breaking Up is Hard To Do 207 How to Know When a Relationship is Over 209 Making Relationships Work 211 How to Find an Emotionally Healthy Partner 212 7 Tings Tat Make Marriage Work 214 Codependency vs. True Love: How to Tell Tem Apart 216 Expressing Gratitude and Appreciation 218 Naughty and Nice: A Recipe for a “Merry” Relationship 219 New Year’s Relationship Resolutions 222 What Women Can Do to Be Better Partners to Teir Men 224 What Men Can Do to Be Better Partners to Teir Women 227 Reinventing Relationships 229 About Dr. Hanalei Vierra and Dr. M’Lissa Trent 231 Introduction Tis eBook is a compilation of many of the columns we have written in response to the hundreds of letters we’ve received from readers of our newspaper column, Dr. He Said, Dr. She Said, which appears in three of the local newspapers in the San Diego area. We are a married couple who have been working for over 18 years with couples who are confused or hopeless about the quality and condition of their relationships. About three years ago we decided to fnd a better way of putting all the information and experience we had accumulated in our couples counseling practice out in front of a larger audience. We knew we had something valuable to ofer because we were able to observe with our very own eyes the positive results couples could achieve if they had the willingness, desire, and love necessary to hang in there and learn the work of a relationship. Our efort has always been to portray a balanced approach of how a healthy relationship can not only survive—but how it can thrive—when challenged by multiple sources of stress. We came up with the idea to write a relationship advice column in the Dr. He Said, Dr. She Said format as a result of the success we had been having in our work with couples in presenting both the male and female viewpoints of whatever issue our couples were struggling with so that each member of the couple could feel that their unique perspective had validity. After all, just because we may disagree with our partner doesn’t mean that we don’t deserve to have each side of the situation acknowl- edged and understood! Another important “balancing act” we have brought to our couples has been to help them become aware of how they are both equally accountable for both the good stuf as well as the not-so-good stuf that defnes their relationship. Other than in the case of infdelity, we believe that the basic condition of the relationship is something that both people had a hand in helping to shape and create. Tis is one of the themes that you will notice throughout our responses to our readers in this eBook. Te goal we strive to help the couples we work with achieve—which is also our goal in the advice we give in our column—is healthy, intimate partnership: how to achieve it; how to maintain it, especially when under stress; what it looks and sounds like; what it walks and talks like; why it 8 is so important; and why it is so difcult to fgure out. One of the ways we do this is to help our couples get out of their power struggles by teaching them how to identify the underlying, unmet, unexpressed emotional needs that create their anger, disappointment, and mistrust of one another. Learning the skills necessary to do this not only brings couples closer together, it can also help to heal old wounds from the past that have yet to be dealt with. All the letters we have compiled here (all the names have been changed to protect confdentiality) address some specifc aspect of partnership that we hope will give you a perspective that you can apply to your experiences with your own partner. By the way, if there is a topic that you feel we should address more specifcally in future columns and eBooks, please contact us and let us know what issue that would be. We love hearing from our readers! Dr. He ~ Dr. She 9 Commitment & Marriage Boyfriend is Second Guessing His Move Dear Dr. He Said, Dr. She Said, A year ago I decided to move from Columbus, Ohio to San Diego in order to be with my girlfriend. We were exhausted and stressed out from carrying on a long distance relationship for almost 2 years. Even though I had a great job in Columbus as a software engineer for a small company which I loved very much, I was willing to give it up in order to start over in Southern California so that we could be together. My girlfriend has a great job here, which is a good thing because I am currently unemployed (but looking hard in a very tough market) and totally dependent on her fnancially. She is very generous about paying for most of my expenses, but it is driving me crazy to have to be so dependent on someone else for the frst time in my adult life. Sometimes I feel resentful that she doesn’t appreciate how much I gave up to move out here, and I start to wonder if I made the right decision. I’m very confused about how to talk to her about this. Can you help me? Jeremiah, Kearny Mesa Dr. She Dear Jeremiah: I don’t have to tell you how many extreme changes you have currently gone through, however, giv- ing up a job, a community, a lifestyle and an identity all in one fell swoop is nothing to make light of! Te fact that your role as a man who has been successful and independent has had to alter so quickly makes your confusion and feeling unappreciated make a lot of sense.