New Yarns and Funny Jokes

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NEW YARNS

AND

COMPRISING

ORIGINAL AND SELECTED

MERIGAN * HUMOR

WITH MANY

LAUGHABLE ILLUSTRATIONS.

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' ' A Natural Mistake. Well, Jim was champion quoit-thrower in them days, He's dead now, poor fellow, but Jim was a boss on throwing quoits. I tell you quoits was a great game them days. Every village had a quoit club, and the boys on the farms used to throw horseshoes It was something like baseball in these times, although I could never see so much fun in baseball as I could see in a good game of quoits. "Oh, come off," cried the impatient listener. "What did Jim do, or did he do anything? Did the man drown? " "Now, don't be too fly. Who's a tellin' this " yarn?" don't seem to be." " Well, you Go on ! Go on h" said the crowd. " ' Well, you know, in quoits a ringer was when you put the quoit around the stake. It counted double. Well, Jim he picks up the round life preserver its like a great big quoit, you know and as the capp'n came running aft, Jim he sings out, 'Capp'n I'll bet you $5 I'll make a ringer on that man if he comes up within the length of this line. ' ' ' Bet you $20 you can't, Wid the capp'n. ' ' ' ' Take you, said Jim, an; d jest at that minnit up bobs Mike's head about sixty feet astern. Jim threw it, and I'll be durned if that life-preserver didn't go plump over on Mike's head clear down on his shoulders, and NEW POLICEMAN" Oi'd loike to see yer permit, there it stuck. We got down the boat, and Bur." when we to Mike he hadn't come to SWELL "Permit?" got yet, (puzzled) " and didn't for some time after. He'd been a NEW POLICEMAN Yis, permit. It's agin de law fer raasqueraders ter parade de streets widout 'r goner if it hadn't been fur that ringer, al- permit. Go home an" take off de duds or I'll lock ye it took the skin off his nose." though " up." "Did the captain pay the $20? "Pay it! You jist bet he did. And Jim A Tough Yarn. he handed it over to Mike, and Mike he blew it all in when we got to Detroit, 1 wish some "TALKING of life said the preservers,'" of it was here now, fur I'm dry. truthful mariner as he knocked the ashes out mighty Don't mind if I do." ' ' Thanks. of his pipe, you remember the old steamer Roustabout that used to run from Buffalo to I was mate on her the Chicago? year before Why he didn't hold on. she was lost. We were about sixty miles out from Chicago when Mike Lanigan, who was AN Irish laborer working an the top of a doing something up on the mast, fell, struck new six-story building, missed his footing, on his head on the roof of the cabin and and on his descent, fell across the telegraph bounced clean out into the lake. Well, the wires, held on for dear life, and called for captain he see him fall, and he stopped and help. One of his fellow-workmen attracted backed that old Roustabout quicker'n you by his cries, called out to him to hold on to could say 'scat.' Mike went down like a the wire till he got a couple of mattresses plummet, for he was knocked insensible, and from an adjoining house, so he could fall I know'd there was no use to heave a life- easy. In the meantime the man released his preserver for him, so I jest hurried up the hold, and fell to the pavement, and lay there i' boys in getting the boat down, although I groaning when his companion returned, and didn't it 'ud do much We had at his not as he bid expect good. feeling" angry doing him, Jim on board. from Chicago. said : Ye numskul, why didn't ye hould on King Passenger " " I You remember Jim King, don't you? to the wire till come back ! The other ono "Can't say that I do, "remarked a by- says, "Begorra, I was afraid the wires id stander. brake." Y--UINS AND FUNNY JOKES.

Sullivana vs. Sylvio Sylvesto. I introduce, Sylvio Sylvesto-Championltily" John L. Sullivan's combination while on then everyonea of the Italian man, clapa da ' its tour gave a show at Kansas City, Mo., foot and stampa da hand and cry. 'Viva la Ital- and advertised to to man who ianno. Knocka out a Shamrocka wida onea give $1000 any " could stand up to John L. for 4 rounds. Mac- Punch." Thena he say. I introduce Sham- rocka da caroni Spaghetti sees the advertisement and Sul' champion Ireland." Then evrry matches his friend Sylvio Sylvesto against one of the Irishman clapa da toota and Sullivan. He tells of the defeat and his stampa the hand "Horoo be labors. Killa de great " loss in his own peculiar way: banan' wida onea punch. Then purty quick "Well you see we re;;;la in the paper that he pulla da watch out of his poc and say the Shamrocka Sullivana coma here! You time-" than they come up to the fronta know the Shamrocka Sullivana, the fighta of da stage and shaka da hand just lika man who kuocka everybody out with a onea da besta frien". Purty quick Shamrocka punch. Well we have onea stronga Italian Sullivana stand lika dis very nica way he Boy, oh he stronga as the dev'. Biga de inns' stan' everybody lika da stand Sylvio disaway, biga de mus' dataway and chest standa lika dis-^-everybody no lika da stand lik one elephant. Well I go to Sylvio and Sylvio he spita da hand deesa way he say : Sylvio you fighta the Shamrocka Sulli- hava two biga da hand lika onea bunch a da vana? He say you beta sweeta lifea I will banan. Purta quick Sylvio maka a punchy

for no hita de fighta for my countra. Well, I taka him Shamrocka; he Shamrocka, a' he no home wida me and give him plenta good eat Sylvio maka noder punch Shamrocka maccaroni soft da sheila a crab, maka him hitta him agan Purty quick Shamrocka go deesa call him cutta hitta very stronga man oh, he very strong biga way you up way de onea knocka him downa da leg, biga de mus, yes biga da head. I sell Sylvio punch vera Then I da and to onea da wag' for forty dol' : I sell onea da quicka. jumpa stage go horse for twenty dol' and sell anoder wag' for Sylvio and say "Sylvio, Sylvio speaka to me" dol' dat maka, he no to me I to him threeda forty ; one hundred dol', then I speaka speaka ' fourda he still to go to brother Lugi. I say 'Lugi sella da pea time, no speaka me nutta stand an' banan' stand for whata you Shamrocka knocka him outa wida onea punch I dhinka he killa him I feela getta." Well, he sella da stan' and puta de vera mucha mon' upon Sylvio Ver' well; de mighta bad, I nearly go craze. I loose alia my mon' the Shamarocka come Theatre all biga crowd twoa wag and onea horse; my brother very mucha excite. Puty quick a man wida Lugi loosa da peanutta and chestnuta stand balda heada, his nama is is isa Pattada ana feel lika cutting Sylvio's d throat wid a stilletto. I will to Sheedy, coma outa da stagea He say, gen- go back New York tlemena, we hava a threeta fourda rounda and try to geta more mon' and make plenta mon' if fighta, gooseberry marka rules. with da organ' and da monk,' Mayor Granta will giva me a permita pape to play Thena ! Shamrocka Sullivana he sita dat a da muse and showd the monk'. side of da stage. Sylvio sita dees side of da Then Patta da ' ' As adapted and rendered br the Popular Humorist stage. Sheedy say gentleman ME. ALEX. J. BROWN. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

Making An Impression. Laid Over One Train. " Put down Room No. 52 to be called in time " for the 4 :30 train in the morning, he said, as he leaned gracefully over toward the night clerk of a hotel. " Mississippi Case of life and death ?" queried the clerk. "Why, no; but I want to get to Jackson before noon.' "Hadn't you better wait for the 9:30 train ?" " What is it to you ?" ' ' Nothing but the excitement and muss, and I shall probably have to testify at the Coroner's " inquest." I I don't catch on." " exactly Come up-stairs, please." When they had ascended to the first sleep-

floor the clerk continued : ing" " This is room No. as see. Gracious, Mr. Smith, what a head you have this 28, you There it sure." are five bullet holes in the door. in r orning! The boss will get on to Man here last week wanted to be called for that early train. Room No. 30 has seven bullet holes, but those stand for two men. This new piece in the here is where a man fell and carpet " bled to death. Down here ' ' But who kills off these guests ?" asked the traveler. " Oh, the other guests. As soon as the nigger comes up and knocks and bawls out. Col. Shaw who has No. 32, reaches for his shotgun. Over in No. 29 Judge Havens slips out with his revolver. Major Brooks, who is in No. 33, always comes in a good third with a Derringer, and the rest of the fellows along the hall are always more or less well heeled. We don't care so much about the nigger, as niggers are mighty cheap around here, but there must be an inquest on the body of the white man, and "Did I say call me for the 4:30 train ?" queried the traveler. "I believe so." "Then it was a mistake. I'm in no hurry. In fact, I like Mississippi in general and this in and even if I town particular ; get away at 9 :30 1 shall be sorry to go. Just rub out the memoranda, and if I don't get up in time for breakfast you needn't mind sending a nigger up to pound on the door."

The Other One. He stood at the corner of Sixth Avenue and Fourteenth Street with an anxious look on his face, and when the right man came he

asked :

III. "Shay, mister ?" "Yes." " " I don't think the old man will notice anything Whaz this here ?" -out ot the up way now." "The elevated road." "Shure?" He Was. "Of course I am." "Good ! Zhatletsme out. I had got 'er "Is your husband fond of pie, Mrs little confused, you see. Didn't 'zactly know Fangle ?" which of us it was. Glad to find 'er road is ' ' Fond of pie ! Why that man is a regular plevated and I'm shober's Judge." Always Python !" keen shober, my boy. Gooz bi. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

" The Fat Man's Story. The solemn truth, gentlemen. Our company is now doing a general banking and The boys had been looking at the fat man balloon business same of balloons. We and style for some time as he strolled up down the can and do undersell all others. Send in your a and his depot platform, smoking good cigar orders early and avoid the winter rush. face wearing a look of contentment, and one That's all." N. Y. Sun. of them finally observed that it was a good timj for him to tell a story. "Eh? A story to pass away the time cer- He had Rheumaticks, he as he sat down on a tainly" replied, bag- I stopped at a cabin stuck away in the gage truck, recently painted a sky -blue color. pine forest, about five or six miles from any- "You must 'know, gentlemen," he began, " where, to ask for a drink of water, and find- after his crossed, that I was getting legs the man in bed with his face all not at the head of the banking plastered always leading I asked if he had met with an of No. All up, naturally ing-house Chicago. my life, up accident. to ten was in the far years ago, passed West, the wife as she handed on the and and the "Oh, no;" replied" plains prairies among me the gourd. He 'un has done got rheu- hills and mountains. I had, as you may sup- maticks." adventures. I was think- " pose, numerous just Not rheumatism in the head?" ing of escape from a prairie fire, but the " my Eeckon it's mostly thar, sah." details not interest you." " might I never heard of such a case," I contin- will!" we all cried in chor- "Oh, yes, they ued as I the bed. us. approached "Howdy, stranger!" said the man as he "Well, one day in the fifties I was jour- " sat up. Rheumaticks like this are pretty neying across a Kansas prairie on foot. One common around yere." morning I got up to find fifty miles of tall, "Why, man, you have been pounded! dry grass between me and the hills. A strong Both of your eyes are blackened ! You don't breeze sprang up with the sun, and I had call that rheumatism, do you?" scarcely started on my way before I discov- " That's what I dun call it. I had pains ered a great smoke to windward. The In- and aches, and I bought two quarts of moon- dians had set fire to the prairie to kill off the know." shine whisky. Sim Payson, back in the rattlesnakes," you woods, he had and and him cum but you were in for it!" ex- pains aches, By George? over to drink it." claimed the hardware drummer from St. help ' And you got drunk !" Louis. ' ' ' Reckon we Yes I realized that in a moment. In five mought." ; ' And had a minutes I could see a billow of flame to wind- fight?" 'Reckon we did." ward. It least miles was at twenty long, and ' And that's what call rheumatism?" as it came. It was faster you spreading coming ' look answered the than a horse could run. 1 that it Stranger, here," man, figured as he one out of bed with a would be upon me in five minutes." got leg groan, "kin fur to dectar' that I'd a drank "And you dug a hole in the earth?" queried you go that moonshine if it wasn't to cure the glue man from New York. firstly " rheumaticks? The old woman and me hev I had nothing to dig with. If I had had on and we can't it to cum out the proper tools the time was too short." figgered it, get right no other and now if you've got a "Then the wind changed !" put in the Yan- way, and terbacker I'll stand fur the kee notion man from Cincinnatti. pipe you agin hull till the mule down." "Never a point. As I stood there that community lays great ocean of flame came roaring down toward me like the besom of destruction. I lost Would not take the Risk. fully two minutes before I got to work. I could even feel the heat of the fierce flames "Is this a fire insurance office ?" flesh." sir can we write some insur- scorching my "Yes, ; you ' But, hang it, man, you escaped!" ance ?" "Perhaps you can. You see, my employ- ' You don't show scars or burns." er threatens to fire me next Saturday, and any " 'No." I'd like some protection. 'Well, get to the point." ' I will. I waited until the flames were Of its own Account. not over a mile away, and then I took my balloon off my back, pressed the button which ' ' Somebody has taken my revolver out of permitted the natural gas to flow in from the my desk," said the religious editor, glancing reservoir, and, taking my seat in the chair, I around the room. shot up into the air about five hundred feet "You didn't know it was loaded, did you?" and let the flames sweep under me. One of asked the snake reporter. my boot heels was a little scorched, but that "No, I didn't think so." was all the damage done." "In that case it went off of its 4 probably Do you tell that for truth?" angrily de- own accord. They always do, you know, rmnied the starch man from Oswego. when you don't think they're loaded." HEW \ARNlS AND FUNNY JOKES.

Lights and Shadows of the 4th July. What A "Woman Can Do. She can say "No," and stick to it for all time. " She can also in such a soft say No,"" low, voice, that it means Yes." She can sharpen a lead-pencil, if you give her plenty of time and plenty of pencils. She can dance all night in a pair of shoes, two sizes too small for her, and enjoy every minute of the time. She can pass a display window of a draper's shop, without stopping if she is running to catch a train. She can walk half the night with a noisy baby in her arms, without once expressing a desire to murder the infant. She can appreciate a kiss from her husband seventy-five years after the marriage cere- PlBST VOICE "Isn't this delightful ?" mony has taken place. SECOND VOICE" Oh, it's too lovely for any- She can suffer abuse and neglect for years, which one touch of kindness or consideration will drive from recollection. She can go to church, and afterwards tell you what every woman in the congregation had on, and, in some rare instances, can give a faint idea of what the text was. She can look her husband square in the eye, when he tells her some cock-and-bull story about being "detained at the office," without betraying in the least that she knows him to be a colossal liar. She can rumple up fifty dollars' worth of dress goods, and buy a reel of thread, with an order to have it delivered four miles away, in a style that will transfix the proprietor of the establishment with admiration. She can but what's the use ? A woman can do anything or everything, and do it well. She can do more in a minute than a man can in an hour, and do it better. She can make the alleged lords of creation bow ItaBD VOICE" I dess it'll light now." down to her own sweet will, and they will never know it. Yes, a woman can do everything, with but one exception; she cannot climb a tree.

No Further use for Them. "Now, then, Jennie," said the bridegroom to the bride, after they had just returned from the church where the knot had been " how brothers have ?" tied," many you Brothers !" exclaimed the bride in astonishment, ' ' know I haven't brothers. you any" I'm the only child of my parents. "Oh, I know that; but how many young men did you promise to be a sister to before you accepted me ? Those are the brothers I want to know about." ' ' " " A Grand Well, the bride smiling, I think Display. replied " I must have about half a dozen brothers. " She Took the Cake. All right. You just drop a note to each WOMEN are such inconsistent creatures. of them and tell them the brother-and-sister We heard a young lady remark (rather inel- business is all off now, as you have got a egantly, it must be confessed), that she hated husband. If they want sisters, tell them to the that "that Biggs fellow, he is such a cake." Well, look about among girls are single. 4n less than three months she took the cake. I'm all the brother you need now." 8 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

Pat's Great Hopes. there's no knowing how he'd have got along locking up the house and going to bed." Two sons of Erin one day, while " taking Oh, I shouldn't have accused you, ma'am," bricks up the ladder, boasted of their respec- " protested the man. tive skill, when Michael said: Begorra, Pat, "Wall, I'm glad on it, and being as this hould I'll bet drinks that I can your tongue. excitement has come up about pickpockets I take to the roof, inside me hod." "I'll ye guess I'll see if my money and ticket is safe." And she reached down, slipped off a calf- skin shoe from her right foot, and peered into

it with the remark : "There's the ticket and there's the dollar bill, and I hain't been robbed. Jist try it, young man. Beats coat tail and all other pockets all holler. Got to stand you on your head to git it, and every time you sot your foot down you know it's thar. I've carried seventeen dollars all over New York thai way, and got out alive and safe."

"Where Genius Didn't "Work. He was just a plain tramp, unadulterated with soap, says the New York Mercury, and he carried over his shoulder a wooden snow shovel several sizes too big for him. He pulled the bell in a business-like way, and when she opened the door he said: "Are you a Christian?" take the bet," Pat cried and getting into "Ye'es" (in surprise). Mike's hod, he shouted "Go!" Then Mike "And do you believe that honest, earnest began his arduous task, and at last reached endeavor should be rewarded?" ' the top and dumped Pat on the roof. Be "Ye'es." I've a gracious, Pat, I've won the bet." "Indade, "Heretofore had large and lucrative but when we wur in but this the me boy, ye've nobly won ; practice my profession, year half the way, yer foothold slipped, and elements are against me. I know there's no 11 Mike's it was then I had great hopes.' snow on the premises, but it's going to rain this afternoon and rain hard. Now, I'll come back and shovel rain off sidewalk for a Better Than Pockets. your if you'll me ten cents advance quarter give" It was in the Pennsylvania depot at Jersey money. Is it a go? half on City. A man who had been asleep "Yes, it's a go, "she said, as she slammed one of the benches for some time suddenly the door in his face. roused up, carried his hand to the breast "And they say that genius and tact win called out : pocket of his coat, and then every time," he sighed, as he shuffled down "I have been robbed! Some one has picked the " stoop. ! my" pocket " Have much money! asked an old _lady who sat near him. Making the Composing Boom Howl. "Over $40." " Two printers were eating their midnight Sa^es alive? but what a loss ! Sure you ' ' lunch : Says Sam : Tom have you got youi had it when you left home?" " take up ?" to which Tom replied, "No, but "Of course I am! I've got my coffee cup." "Didn't leave it under your pillar, or " On another occasion, Sam took umbrage at change your coat? some remark from Tom, and he sarcastically "No!" ' ' " " remarked, Tom-ass. But Tom's ready wit I noticed you feeling around your coat " was equal to the occasion. He replied Sam- tails before you went to sleep. Better look " mule. Exchange. back there before you give it up." He carried his hand back, and ten seconds later held his lost wallet to He up sight. He Could Get began to apologize and stammer, but she Along. " checked him with: "You know of course said the old man to "Young man you orter be more keerful, the young man, "that my daughter has you might have accused me of stealin' that $100,000 in her own right." money, and it would have been a nice thing "Yes, sir." for my church folks to hear of, wouldn't it? "And you are not worth a cent." When the news got home to my old man he'd "I'm poor, sir; but great Scott, $100,000 is been so kerflustrated that he'd have forgotten enough for two. Why, I'm economical to tc feed the shoats or milk the cows, and meanness." NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

A Sample. Working Pete In. "Can't fool these 'ere railroads much!* observed the man on the seat ahead young ( after we out of Mauch Chunk. " got fairly " How do you mean? I asked, suspecting he had a story. "It's a good one on the old man, and I'm dying to tell it," he grinned. "I live about twenty miles below here, and within half a mile of the railroad. One afternoon, about six months ago, my brother Pete got hurt in our sawmill, and was brought home unconscious. We had just got him home when a neighbor came along and said a passenger train had been ditched at the crossing, and a good many people hurt. This was just at dark, and Pete hadn't come too yet. Soon as the old man heard of the accident to the cars he scratched his head, looked Pete over, and

then said to me : "'Jim, it's wuth trying for. We'll take Pete down on a mattress and mix him in and try and get damages from the railroad.' ' ' I was against it, but he said it was a go, and so we got out a mattress and luggedPete down to the crossing. Four or five cars were off, and lots of people hurt, and we slid Pete in among three or four lying on the and to kill. It MRS. BARLEYCORN" What be them Jake? " grass groaning just happened that one of the railroad attorneys was on the MB. JAKE BARLEYCORN (reading the sign and appearing very wise)" Them be [speaking tubes, train, and he went about asking names and Marthy." writing 'em down. By and by he came to MBS. BARLEYCORN (doubtingly)"You couldn't Pete. An edging had caught in the saw and make me believe them could till I " things speak him an awful whack over the head, heerd." given and the lawyer felt him over and asked : " ' ' Do any of you know this poor fellow? " ' I happen to know him," answers the old man. 'His name is Pete Stay nor, and he ' orter git a thousand dollars for this ! "At that minute Pete came out of his snooze, and sitting up on the grass he looked around in a dazed way and yelled out : "'Why in Halifax don't you clear that saw?' " And at that the old man got away, and I him and Pete went on to tell all about after ; how he got hurt, and to wonder how he got there, and we had to sneak back, and lug him " all the way home. " And what did the old man say?" I asked. "Say! Why there's half a mile of road with the trees blistered on each side of it, and he's had everybody kicking him, until the whole is hip lamed and can't neighborhood" climb a door step.

The Fancies of Fashion.

SMALLEY: How is this, Oppenheimer? You had this same suit out in front of your store " " labelled winter style last Christmas." VOICE FROM TUBE "Go away from there, you OPPENHEIMER: Vy not, mine vriend?" moss ! ! grown SMALLEY: And now you've got it out in ! 1 ! -" front marked "summer style." MB. JAKE BARLEYCORN "Come away, Marthy. OPPENHEIMER: know der stylee quick ! Them 'ere tubes 'pears to have been learned Vull, you to talk by the man who learns all the poll parrots." vas gonstantly shanging. 10 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

Getting the Wrong Bull by the Horns. Modified Maxims. NATE SALSBURY and Buffalo Bill, between the afternoon and evening shows, refresh themselves with such intellectual feats a s modifying old - time maxims and proverbs. Bill will enter Sals- bury's tent hot and dusty from his equine and shooting performance, throw himself into an arm-chair and

exclaim : " Nate, I've thought of another. 'It's a wise dentist that knows ' ' his own teeth ! I've an- "Good ; got other. ' Too many broths of boys spoil the Yotrvo LADY FROM THE CITY" Oh. Mr. Kornstalk, is it that white cow that cook,' and 'every man gives the condensed 7nilk.'?" is the architect of his FARMER KORNSTALK" Lor, no, Miss, she be the one that gives the ice cream. own misfortunes.'" Nate replies. The Difference Not Very Great. "They'll pass; but this is better. 'Girls REED was one of the should always walk on the sonny side of the REPRESENTATIVE legis- ' ' ' " and is sometimes sin lative committee sent to inspect an insane way, Beauty deep. in There was a dance on "Appropos of that," said Nate, "I think asylum Georgia. ' these two are the best I have done. Fools the night the committee spent in the investi- and wise men no better than to and Mr. Reed took for a partner one make feasts, gation, here's fair to whom he was eat them.' How's that? And one I of the unfortunates, ' thought of to-day. Man proposes, woman introduced ; ' ' and divorce ex- I don't remember having seen you here disposes, marriage composes before," said she. "How long have you poses.'" " been in the asylum? "Oh, I only came down yesterday," said Better Than Cloves! com- the gentleman as one of the legislative COL. Dick Wintersmith of Kentucky not mittee." long ago went to John Chamberlin's hotel for returned the "How "Of course," lady. breakfast. He indulged in beefsteak and stupid I am! However, I knew you were onions. The steak was succulent and the either an inmate or a member of the Legisla- onions were crisp and not greasy. The Col- ture the moment I looked at But how you. onel enjoyed the meal hugely. After swal- was I to know? It is difficult to tell which." lowing an extra cup of coffee he called for his check. It amounted to over $2. He protest- "There, Gol Darn You!" ed strenuously, saying that it was an out- DEACON Blank of the town of Lee, owned a rageous price. John Chamberlin laughed at large farm and hired, among other hands, a him and offered to chalk his hat. The man by the name of Jacob. The deacon had Colonel, however, with true Kentucky bargained that Jacob should have bread and hateur, refused the favor. He paid the bill. milk for supper every night, but took good Not long afterward an acquaintance entered. care that the milk was first carefully Turning to the Colonel, he said. off skimmed, the cream for the cream pot, and "My appettite is a litle this morning. the skim milk for Jake. Jacob ate his bread I hardly know what to order for breakfast." and blue milk three evenings without a mur- The Colonel advised him to try beefsteak mur. The next morning the deacon was and onions. awakened by a great commotion in the barn- "There is nothing more palatable," his yard. Looking out he saw Jacob hanging to friend responded, "and nothing that would his best Jersey's tail with one hand, while satisfy my appetite so well, but I have to at- with the other he belabored her with a bean- tend several receptions this afternoon, and pole as she flew around the inclosure. I am afraid that the onions will taint my "There, gol dang you, "said Jake, "don't breath." ever dare to give another of skim "That needn't trouble the Colonel you " drop you," milk as long as you live ! replied. "Sit down and order your steak And the deacon took good care that she and onions. When you get the check for it, didn't. it will take your breath away." NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 11

The Story of a Hot Brick-

It Was About Time- He Got There Just the Same. A but Young Aberdonian, bashful, desper- "Edith?" ately in love, that no notice was taken finding "Yes, Tom?" of his frequent visits to the house of his "I I have a very important question to sweetheart, summoned up sufficient courage " ask you. And to address the fair one thus : ; "Yes, Tom?" Jean, I wis here on Monday nicht." ' " "Now, don't work any sister racket on Aye, ye were that, acknowledged she. ' me." An' I wis here on nicht." " Tuesday What is Tom?" 'So ye were." your question, ' "I I the fact of it name is An' I wis here on Wednesday," continued well, is, my going to be printed in the local paper soon the ardent youth. ' " in the local down next to "the advertise- Aye, an ye were here on Thursday nicht. paper, ' I ment, don't you know ; and was wondering An' I wis here last nicht, Jean." ' " " whether it would be all alone among the Weel," she said, what if ye were? * ' deaths, or with yours among the marriages. An' I am here this nicht again." " ' Oh, Tom ! ain't you cute?" An' what aboot it, even if ye cam' every nicht?" " What aboot it, did ye say, Jean? Div ye no begin to smell a rat? " The Apology. In an affair of honor between gentlemen, A Righteous Fine. one man was sentenced to offer an apology Magistrate (to prisoner) You are charged for the affront he had offered to his peers. with assaulting this man. Being a Frenchman, and not familiar with Prisoner Honor. He called me the he before his Yes, your English language," appeared a Mugwump, but I didn't thump him very judges and said: Gentlemen; I'aye zaid you hard. are the vorst old fools I'ave zeen. Zatis true. Magistrate Ten dollars for not thumping I am under zentence to offer you my apology. liim harder. [ am very zorry for it. 12 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

In Defence of his Locality. Not the only One. "My friend," said one- passenger to another in a ' railroad car, 'excuse me, but is that liquor you're drinking?" "It is that." "And how much, may I ask, did you pay for that bottle?" "Fifty cents." 1 ' Fifty cents ! I never spent fifty cents in my me for liquor." "You ain't the only one, my friend, that sponges for his drinks, but you ain't going to get any of this, you bet !"

Cou.d see It. "Hans, why don't you get married? You are too particular; just go out, shut your eyes, and put hand on the first your girl" you meet, and marry her. "Mine Gott! vot you dakes me for? If I shoots mine eyes dot vay, I vould shoost as like ash not fall pfer some tarn ash parril in de street, und den some- bodys vould gry owid I vas dhrunk, un den- veil, I dond't vant to marry sum boliceman, mine frent." Judge. A Confusion of Terms

Stupid Man : I've hired in the ' You (making his maiden speech legislature) may -w.-f -/- i are here in think, gentlemen, that my constituents are what you pleased : Oiy;: ' AlbanyilHonir tofr> termfarm ''hayseeds,'hat'eaoHc! buthilt. IT wantwni't. youVClll tot.n underatandunderstand that youVOU Cantcan't btUpKl Man (CnthUSiaSt* fool us not by a colossal majority. ically); Yes; a daisy. One of the kind that you There were no Flies on Him. can take anywhere with you, and hold on and They had just begun their courtship, and your lap [Conemaug of tears] were swinging on the garden gate, beneath Man hour : the silent stars and were Stupid (an later) But, my dear, ; they silent, too, it's a not a Omaha World. for they were yet in the first dawning of machine, girl. love, and scarce knew what to to young say the each other. The silence at last became em- First Horse on Joker. barrassing, and she said : Brown (with great solemnity) You're the- "I must go in." very man I want to see, Smith. I was over "What's your hurry ?" to our friend Jones' house this morning and "Oh, we're just like fools, swinging here (dropping his voice to a tragic whisper) I and found him don't breathe to a liv- " saying nothing." this, now, I don't know what to talk about." ing soul. I hate to mention it even to you, "Well, I must go in," but I think some of his friends ought to know "Wait a moment. Say you must b aw- of it and save him if possible. I found him fully troubled by the flies in summer time." hitting the pipe. "I?" Smith (smiling) Yes, I saw him myself. "Yes; they must light on you in swarms." It was that long pipe from his hall stove. "Sir?" Stimulants on you ? " ' Because you're so awful sweet." Brown (with even greater solemnity^ Yes, She didn't go in. Boston Courier. I suppose so. NEW YAENS AND FUNNY JOKES. 13

Civil Service. give you one more chance, and if you'll answer this question I'll AN Irishman lately landed entered the correctly, forgive you for the others. what am I think- Mayor's office in New York, last winter, and Now, ing about?" his Honor to give him a political requested Pat "Thinkin' about?" How the divil situation, as he had a first cousin of his on can any man tell phat ye politicians are the police, and he was told by some of his thinking about. Begorra, I don't belave ye's friends that the Mayor could appoint him. know The Mayor thought the best way to put the phat ys're thinking about, yerself. (Going to the door mad) Good day, sur, and Irishman off, was to tell him he would have " good luck to ye and yer Civil Sarvice. The to pass the Civil Service; so the following Mayor called Pat back, and told him not to dialogue ensued: be discouraged, but go home and think over the answers, and come down in a few days and probably he would be able to answer them. Then Pat went home rather disappointed at his not being successful, and told his brother, Mike, what had happened. The brother who was not as easily discouraged as ' ' said to him : never mind I'll Pat, now, ye ; fix him so you give me thim clothes uf yers and I'll answer his questions fur him." So Mike called down to the Mayor's office the next morning, and the Mayor recognized as he thought, Patrick Mulligan, and says: "Good morning, Patrick, I see you're here sooner than I expected to see you. Are you ready to answer those I to " questions put you yesterday?" Honor, I am." Yis, yer " "Well," says the the first Mayor, " ques- fion is the weight of the moon? ''Well, sir," says Mike, "the weight of the moon is 100 pounds, 25 pounds to each quarther, 4 quarthers make 100." Mayor. "Well, my dear man, what can I "That's very good, Patrick," said the 4w for at the Irishman's answer. you?" . Mayor," pleased Pat. sur, I come here to see if you Now the second is the number of "Well, " question couldi/t give me a politickel situation, as I stars in the sky? ' ' understhand that you're the gintlman that Well, sir, there are one billion, sixty-six has the influence. My name is Patrick Mul- million, four hundred and seventy-two thous- ligan, Bur, and I have a cousin by the and an' forty-fur. ' name "Capital, Patrick, capital. Now look out " or. Never mind but let for the last which what am I May your cousin, question,J is, me tell you that before I can use my influence thinking of ?" to place in a position, it is necessary for "Phat are ye'es thinking uf, is it? Well, I you " you to pass a Civil Service examination." know phat yere thinkin' uf . ' ' " Pat. "Ah! then phat is the Civil Sar- Well, Patrick, tell me what it is. ' ' vice?" Ye're thinkin' I'm Pat, but " ye're terriblj Mayor You will have to answer the fol- mistaken, I'm his brother, Mike." thi-ee I'll to and if lowing questions put you ; answer them I may be able you'll correctly, The of Greatness. to place you. Modesty " Pat. sur, if there not to hard, I Do to do him the "Well, " you expect up? inquired think I can answer them. sporting reporter as he took out his note Mayor -'The first question is: What is book. the weight of the moon?" 'I'm not making any brags about this Pat "The divil a know, I know. sure, fight," answered the celebrated pugilist mod- fiir, I couldn't answer that question at all estly. "I leave all that to the other feller. I at all. Couldn't me somethin' aisier don't mind tellin' that I'm " ye give you, though, goin' than that? to paste that gol-blarsted duffer's nose all over I'll try on his face inside of six rounds as sure as Mayor "Well, patrick, you " jest this one: How many stars are in the sky? the sun rises." Chicago Herald. Pat. "Ah, now yer poken fun at me how can man tell the number of sthars any Poor Birds. in the skhey. I'm afraid, sur, I'll never be able to answer any thine questions; so YOUNG WIFE "I wonder the birds don't I'll be biddin mornin and come here more. I used to throw them ye good sur, go any " look for somethin' else." bits of cake I made, and " Mayor. Oh-, come back, Patrick, I'll YOUNG HUSBAND "That accounts for it." 14 NEW YAXNti AND I-'ISNUX ,/OA'h'S.

His Version of Bigamy. toF me dat she wuz a po' widder, an' wuk so on feelin's dat I done OLD Israel Mildew had been arrested for my fo'git myse'f an' de But being arraigned for trial he bleege lady. laudy goodness, Jedge! bigamy. Upon Debo'ders dat she wuz fo'teen chill'ens his innocence, but in the course of brang protested her fus' two the examination he made some rather dam- by husban', gran'mudders, two gran'faders, fo' sisters in de law an' a few aging confessions. Pursuing, however, a line aunts an' onkles, an' I 'clar' ter of reasoning 'wholly without the law, it is sakes, dey me outon m' own cabin so dat I hat- not to be wondered at that his explanations scrouge ter in der kannel. Now dats diil not coalesce, so to with what the sleep dog big- speak, in whar a shemale considered a righteous interpretation germy yearnest, Jedge; judge comes wid false an' makes a of the statutes. along pertences man her hull Ef de law 'lows ".You acknowledge this woman to be your marry perigee. " dat, den I hain't a blamin' jestice fer wantin' wife, don'^ Israel? said the judge point- you, ter a ober her dat she can't to a rotund wench sitting within the keep bandige eyes ing see sich scan'lousness. " court railing. " At this Number 4 sank her talons into 'Course I does, Jedge; 'to be sartinly," Sally such wool as remained upon the summit of responded Israel, letting a smile slip out Israel, and before the court could between the ivories that inlaid his lips. pronounce a verdict the other claimants had in, "And this one?" continued the Judge, in- joined the attachment and were for as a sallow-looking dame just back of struggling dicating of the husband as their the accused. much prowess- " could secure. But for the intercession of the As ter dat one, Jedge," replied the dark- court officers there would'nt have been ey, turning about to contemplate the party of Israel left to satisfy the demands- of the second part, "I tink I kin prove a enough of the law. WADE WHIPPLE. alliby in dat case on de groun' o' britch er Dat woman dat ef promise. promise, Jedge, The Husband's Commands I'd aksep ter be her lo'ful partner, dat she'd I gi' me one half der resects ob de washin bizi- First am thy husband whom thou didst to love and for I ness dat she'm inter, but Jedge, we warn't no vow honor obey ; saved thee 1 sooner hitch dan she done gib up de bizness from old-maidenism and the terror of single- an' begin ter sop up de income er my carpet- blessedness. beatin' Dat wiz cl'ar britch er Second. Thou shalt not look , perfession. upon any 'cordin' ter other to love or admire him for contrac,' an' jestice I wuz 'nulled man ; I, thy " f'om de er der same. husband, am a jealous husband, who will " 'sponsibilities I'm afraid interpretation of the law visit the sins of the wife followers. your " upon is a little oblique, Israel, remarked the Judge, Therefore keep thee* faithfully to thy mar- scratching his ear with the quill he held in riage vows. his hand, "but will consider that point later Third. Thou shalt not backbite thy hus- on. Now, as to number three, this lady with band, nor speak lightly of him, neither shalt the in her arms, has she claim thou his faults to lest pickaniny " any expose thy neighbors, to membership in your harem? he shall hear it, and punish thy perfidity by The prisoner struggled to his feet at this, a deprivation of sundry items such as bon- and approachingthe seat of justice, bent his nets, dresses, etc. head so that his Honor could contemplate his Fourth. Thou shalt purchase cigars for bared scalp, and answered rather pathetically : thy husband rather than ribbons for thyself. 1 ' Ef yer calls dat de hariem, Jedge, yer kin Fifth. Thou shalt not go to the opera or see jes' what sorter rights she'm tuk in der evening parties without thy husband, neither Ef I'd a tablernickled wid dat cat- shalt thou dance too frequently with premises. " " " thy amount any longer, sah, dey'd been playin' cousin or thy husband's friend." wid dese " Sixth. Thou shalt not listen to crokay" my top-knot many days. flattery That showing makes you something of a nor accept gifts or trinkets from any man claimant for sympathy, to be sure, but it nev- except thy husband. ertheless proves you to have been matrimoni- Seventh. Thou shalt not rifle thy husband's- the with for when he is neither ally pared," interposed Judge, pockets money asleep ; from im- shalt read letters thou evident departure judicial gravity ; thou any mayest find

himself, he continued : therein ; for it is his business to look after his- mediately" recovering but here is another one yet to be accounted own affairs, and thine to let his alone. for; how about this lady now Eighth. Thou shalt conceal confronting" nothing you do you deny that she is your wife? from thy husband, nor shalt thou make false- A gaunt, wiry, square-visaged anomally representation of the state of thy pantry, here threateningly posed before Israel, and thy purse or thy wardrobe. with bony hand outstretched seemed daring Ninth. Remember to rise early in the him to denial. Israel put up his hands and morning, and be prepared, with becoming shrank from the as he exclaimed : to welcome husband at the " spectre good humor, thy Jedge, in dis case dey's what de law 'nom- breakfast table. inates palpertatin' sarcumstanzas. Dis Tenth. Look for no jewelry from tny hus- woman cum ter me an' sez dat she's band on the of for goin anniversary" thy wedding, inter de bo'din house bizniz an' wants me ter it is written; Blessed are those that expect> 'sply der premises an' do de managin'. She nothing for they shall not be disappointed"' NEW YARNS AND FUN7NY .JOKES. 15

The Hatchet nqt Buried. He had Lost his Grip. A middle-aged man with a troubled look on his face stood on the corner near the Central depot and attracted the attention of a passer-by who inquired : "Can I do anything for you, sir?" "Stranger," said the man, "I've lost my grip." ' " 'Oh, brace up, said the other in a cheery voice, "you'll get hold again if you push in. It happens to us all sometime or other." "I'm afraid I'll never get it again," said the other sadly. "Nonsense, man. Don't give up when they've just discovered the elixir of lifif" advised his friend. ' 'Take a hold again like a man." "What air you talking about?" asked the other. ' 'I lost my grip with four new shirts in a new VETERAN IN BLUE "I can't be mistaken. Weren't you at Gaines's it, Mill?" waistcoat, a pair of sus- " IN GRAY I was." and wife's, VETERAN " penders, my IN BLUE Weren't shot the left ear in a VETEBAN " you through photygraft. Just give me hand-to-hand conflict ? " a chance and see VETERAN IN GRAY I was." you'll VETERAN IN BLUE I'm the man who did it." whether I'll take hold or nqt," and he walked off with a suspicious look at his late adviser.

Fanning the Flame of Genius. FOND MOTHER: Well, my pet, did the great dramatic manager say you would quickly become a . star if you should adopt the stage as a profession?"

AMBITIOUS DAUGHTER : Well, not exactly, but I think he intends to engage me for a new domestic drama of some kind. He told me to go home and learn to cook.

His Mind Flees. WIFE (sitting by a stream fishing, while husband, an absent-minded professor, is absorbed in a book) : I believe, Thomas, dear something is biting now. HE: scratch VETERAN IN GRAY "Well, I've been lookin" fer you fer 'bout Well, your- twenty-seven years, you mink-hearted buzzard, you !" self then, dear Sophia ! 16 YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. The Serenade

'<..- NEW YARNS AND FVNNY JOKES. 17

The Serenade.

" No. I won't: an' you must do the same.** Her Off. Seeing "Yes, I will." Scenes like that described below are so fre- "Wouldn't it be a joke if we got carried quent that the traveling public will recognize off?" the picture. A young lady, starting upon "Wouldn't it? Oh, there's the bell? Come, some short journey, is accompanied to the girls, quick ! Good-by, dear !" with a kiss. train by half a dozen of her feminine ac- Here follows a hurried chorus of goodbye and a man or two who and kisses, at the conclusion of which the quaintances" young have come to see her off." All come bust- giddy creatures go chattering and hurrying ling into the car, and a very lively and inter- out of the platform. The traveler throws up esting dialogue ensues. her window, and they say it all over again, ' Wish I was going with you." screaming their "good-bys" back and forth, 'I wish so, too." and throwing kisses and fluttering handker- ' I hope you'll have a real good time." chiefs as long as the train is in sight. 'Oh, I'm sure I shall." ' Have you got everything ?" 'Yes, I guess so." ' the is Is your trunk checked?" Now Doctor Paralyzed. 'Yes." ANXIOUS MOTHER : I am so glad you came, ' You'll write to me, sure ?" doctor. Little Johnny dnd nothing but rave 'Oh, yes." all night. I hope his brain is not affected. ' And to me ?" DOCTOR: His brain seems to be normal, 'Yes." but the digestive organs are slightly para- ' Give my love to the folks." lyzed. ' ' 'Yes, I will," That is very strange. I asked him if he ' And mine, too. What a lovely day for had eaten anything that disagreed with the trip?" him, and he said he had not. He always ' Isn't it perfect?" tells me the truth. All he had eaten yester- ' Don't you want the window up?" day was a quart of chestnuts, half a dozen ' No, I guess not. Don't forget to write pears, some apples, a few grapes and a water- often." melon. " IS NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

An Invention With GooJ. Points. Oklahoma Hotel Rules. Gents goin' to bed with their boots on will be charged extra. Three raps at the door means there is a murder in the house and you must get up. Please write your name on the wall paper so we know you've been here. The other leg of the chair is in the closet if you need it. If that hole where that pane of glass is out is too much for you, you'll find a pair of pants back of the door to stuff in. The shooting of a pistol is no cause fo* any alarm. t If vou're too cold, put the oil-cloth over your head. Caroseen lamps extra; candle's free, but they musn't burn all night. Don't tare off the wall paper to light your pipe with. Nuff of dat already. Guests will not take out them bricks in the mattress. If it rains through the whole overhead you'll find an umbrella under the bed. MR. ! DOWNTOWN" Good gracious, Joe What in The rats won' t hurt if do chase thunder have on ?" you they you got each other across MR. UPTOWN" Well, you know, I live in Harlem, your face, Two men in a room must with one and go up on the elevated train every night. I've put up got tired of being crowded to death, so I had this chair. suit made. I think I will Us. 'em, eh ?" Please don't empty the sawdust out of the pillars. If there's no towel handy use a piece of the carpet. A Lay of Eggs- A worldly wise egg bearer laid a nest chock full of for eggs. Prepared Contingencies. Then raising from hereggery, s^ood erect upon her ' ' There are several champion mean men in pegs, this said the circus "but JEggs-ultingly eggs- claiming as to what she'd been country," agent, about, my champion mean man lives in a town in While Chanticleer In echo said "an egg-cellent Indiana. If any other State can match him lay-out." I'll let 1,000 orphans into our show for nothing." "A good eggs-ample," Biddy said, "for other's " imitation." Give us the particulars," remarked one of " Eggs-actly," chorused all the breed, in one grand the group. cackle-ation. our car " "Well, when advertising got along Then Chanticleer broke in again, with shrill Eggs- there last season the men wanted one side of cel-si-or." a to some of our finest In cock-a-doodle lingo, heard anear and known cooper shop display afar. pictures. The owner wanted $25 in cash and ten free tickets for the privilege, but we re- And then again with flapping wings and air of fused to be robbed. He finally came down to eggs-ultation, $20, then to $15, and we offered him $10. He He eggs-ceeded all authority, In a sweeping eggs- clamation, said he would take an hour to think it over, Which these eggs-centric lines, in rhyme, but and at the end of that time I went to get his feebly eggs-press, answer. Said that his egg eggs-chequer was full to an eggs- "'What do estimate the tickets cess. you worth? ' he asked. " ' Eggs-citedly eggs-plaining his eggs-traordinary Fifty cents apiece.' " ' ' eggs-hibition, And I can sell minel " Eggs-plicitly eggs-ulting and assuring eggs-pedi- 'If wish.' tion, you . see how it is. wife is In eggs-tractlng from this one eggs-ert an eggs- "'Well, you My citing chicken match, very sick and liable to die. If she lives we For Biddy in eggs-pectancy, would eggs-plicate can use two of the tickets to go to the circus. hatch. 0nd If she dies I can use one, but I'll have to give the other to sister-in-law for Then they went to counting chickens, thus, one my helping and two and three, at the funeral. That's what I've just agreed One egg, one chick, two eggs, two chicks, as many to do. Make it $10.50 and ten tickets and as be. may you can have the shop.' But Farmer Brown in came across that eggs-tacy "As business is I to his eggs-tra nest, business, agreed And eggs-tradited all the eggs the reader knows terms, but I never ached harder in my life to the rest. give anybody a good licking." NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 19

Brown's Experiment- A Novel Dice Trick. SEVERAL young men were in a South End resort recently shaking for the drinks, when p/SK suddenly one of the fellows, a young man who is reckoned as one of the coming lights of the political arena, said : MARKE "Let me take that dice-box for a minute." It was handed over to him, and taking out four of the five dice which were in the box, he handed them to the barkeeper, and turning the box on one end placed the remaining dice on it, and taking his hat from his head covered the box and dice with it. "Where is that dice now?" he asked one of the men stant^ng about. "On the top of the box, of course," was ' ' the that if shifted reply ; is, you havn't it since you put the hat down." ' ' " I have not, said the young politician, and he lifted the hat again, and sure enough there sat the dice on the box, just as it had I. MR. BROWN "I'm tired of having my wife go been before. trough inv pockets while I'm asleep." He sat the hat down again and took his hands away from it, while he asked the same question he had in the first instance. "On the top of the box, of course," repeated the man who had been questioned. 'You saw it there, did you?" 'Certainly." ' Would you bet that it is on the top of the box? " ' Of course I would." ' I'll bet you a dollar that it isn't where you say it is." "All right," and the men put up their money. The first man lifted the hat and there sat the dice as before. "What did I tell you?" exclaimed the second. "I've won. There is the dice on top of the box." "Hold a minute," exclaimed the young politician. "When you come to think of it, wouldn't it be a rather difficult task to set up a dice on the top of a dice box when there is * I need a II. MBS. BROWN Henry's fast asleep. " only a very narrow edge to set it on. If you - - little money to go shopping to-morrow will look very carefully you will see that the dice is resting on the bottom of the box instead of the top. I guess the money is mine, Mr. Stakeholder." "That's so," exclaimed the other man who had bet "it is the bottom of the isn't it" " ; box, It's a very simple catch," said the winner to the "but it's sure to catch 99 out of writer ; every 100." Boston Herald.

The Census. " Miss May Ture Are you going to give the census taker your real age when he conies round, Fay?" Miss Fay Dedrose "I suppose I will have to. There is a penalty for making false state- ments, I understand." Miss M. T. -'I am so glad the census " takers are men ! Miss F. D." Because they say men can III.-" Help! Murder!! Police!!!" keep a secret." 20 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

Two of a Kind. A Jovial Party Where One Member Present. HE w&! a bnxkeman on a train of one of the was Not "L" roads and had an in his WIFE solicitude of tone) "It must " impediment (with speech, Twen-ty th-ir-ird stre-stre-street," be very lonesome sitting all by yourself at as he his head in at the door of books." eays he, put night, balancing your " the last car. A passenger who also stuttered, Husband (tenderly) It is, my darling." was sleeping at the further end of the car, Wife "I have been thinking about it for jumped up, ran to the door, and says to the some time, and now I have got a pleasant ,6rakeman: "Sa-sa-say, young man, le-le-let surprise for you." we out at for-for-fo-forty se-se-sec-ond street, Husband "A pleasant surprise?" Wife "Yes, dearest. I sent for mother yesterday, and I expect her this evening. I mean to have her stay with us quite a while. She will take care of the house at night and look to the children, and I can go down and sit in the office with you while you work." Husband "The dev that is to say, I couldn't think of you going down town." Wife "It's my duty, dearest. I ought to have thought of it before, but it never came to my mind till yesterday. Oh! John, forgive me for not thinking of your comfort sooner. ButI will go and sit with you to-night." ' Husband' ! I I the fact To-night Why, " is I got through with my books last night. Wife -"You did? How delightful! And so can now stay at home every evening. you " I'm so glad ! And the delighted wife ran off to make preparations for the reception of her mother, while the husband, with sombre brow, sat will you? 1 ' The brakeman gave him a hard looking at the picture of a poker party, with look, and slammed the door without answer- one member absent, in the glowing grate. ing the passenger, who returned to his seat, and fell asleep again and wasn't awakened Killed a until the brakeman opened the door, and cried Lawyer. ' ' " out : Harlem, a-a-all out. THE lawyer had been badgering the wit- That awoke the who rushed for passenger, ness for some time and finally asked : the door in a and said to the brakeman : " rage, "Was any member of your family ever Wa-wa-wa why in th-th -ma-ma mischief hanged?" da-da-did'nt you la-la-let me out at fo-fo-forty "Yes, sir." se-se-second street?" The brakeman turned "Ah, ha! I thought as much. Now, sir., ' ' " around and says : Just be-be-becau-because who was it? you made f-f-fun of me." "Myself." "Yourself? Do you mean to say that you have been hanged and are alive to tell of A Cause of Coolness* it?" "So you are going to move," said one de- "Yes, sir." clerk to another. "Come, now, no trifling. Tell the jury partment" Yes I am to feel lonesome what you were hanged for and how you nap- ; beginning very " and unpopular at her house." pen to be alive to-day? " "What has occurred? "Well, sir, a man was killed and I was "I am disposed to think she took offence at suspected of having committed the crime. A a remark I made about a chicken that she mob took me out, put a rope around my neck, had for dinner." and had just hauled me up to the limb of a " " What was the remark? tree, when some one in the crowd shouted "I wondered whether it had been hatched out that the murdered man had been a law- couldn't cut from a hard-boiled egg. Washington Post. yer. They

''The Elevator A Farce." He Cometh Not. VERY early yesterday morning an individual appeared on the circus grounds and began a persistent inquiry for Mr. Three-paw. One of the attaches finally

answered : " What sort of a guy is that; do you " mean Forepaw? "Yes, he's the man, I'd forgot whether it was Three or Four-paw. I want to see him." "Anything special?" ' ' I should say there was. We used to wait on the same girl, and I've played with him a hundred times." "But that ain't business." "Ain't eh? Well, you just call him out here and see how quick he'll shake hands and offer me a dozen free tickets. One o'clock. Old Five-paw isn't the man to forget the friend of his boy-hood days." "His name is " Forepaw." Yes, I suppose so, but I'd forgotten whether it it was Four or Five-paw. It's all right, though. Call him out and see if he don't call me Hiram." "But he isn't here." " But he orter be. What's he sending this show around for? Young man don't deceive me." "He isn't here and won't be here tili afternoon. " "Then I'll wait. I know he'll never forgive me if I don't, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. I'll sit down right here, and when Mr. Three-paw comes ' ' you just yell Hiram ! and see what effect it will have. Yes, I'll wait. He'd never forgive me if I didn't." One minute past one., And at 9 o'clock last night he was waiting still. >

"What would the "World do without Juries. "My first case in San Francisco," said At- ' torney James K. Wilder, to a reporter, 'was the defense of a young fellow charged with stealing a watch belonging to a Catholic priest. I was appointed by the court, because the prisoner said he had no money. "The jury rendered a verdict of not guilty, and as the defendant was leaving the court room I called him back, and, just as a joke, handed him my card and told him to bring around the first $50 he got. "Next day he walked into my office and Twenty-four hours later. planked down two $20s and a $10. " "Where did all that I de- ASTEONOMEB Good Gracious ! I never saw a you get money? comet like tnat before." manded, as soon as I got over my surprise enough to speak. Something in the Paper, "'Sold the priest's watch,' he replied, as he bowed himself out." SMITH I notice that Robinson had an article in the paper this morning. Jones Indeed ! I didn't see it. What was it ? Smith His spring overcoat. He was tak- ONE FLESH. Technial phraseology, equiv- ing it to the tailor to be pressed and cleaned. alent sometimes to one (or both) flesh. 22 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

Jokes. Queer said to have occurred recently in Chatham A LADY noticed a boy sprinkling salt on the Street, New York, where a countryman wae sidewalk to take off the ice, and remarked to clamorously besieged by a shop-keeper. a friend, pointing to the salt: "Have you any fine shirts?" said the "Now, that's benevolence." countryman." "No, it ain't," said the boy, somewhat in- A splendid assortment. Step in sir. Every ' ' " it's salt. dignantly ; price and every style. The cheapest in the So when a lady asked her servant-girl if market, sir." the hired man cleaned off the snow with alac- "Are they clean?" she replied : "To be sir." rity," sure, No, ma'am, he used a shovel." "Then," said the countryman, with great The same literal turn of mind which we gravity, "you had better put on one, for you have been illustrating is sometimes used in- need it." tentionally, and perhaps a little maliciously, and thus becomes the property of wit instead It Pained Him. of blunders. Thus we hear of a very polite who said to a in the street : JUDGE Green arose to a question of gentleman" youth Asphalt Boy, may I inquire where Eobinson's privelege. Time after time he had listened to is?" communications in which the colored race drug-store" Certainly, sir," replied the boy, very res- was referred to as "coons," and none of the- members had been moved to He " object. Well, sir," said the gentleman, after wait- could hardly pick up a newspaper without ing awhile, "where is it?" seeing some reference, and more than once I have not the least idea, your honor," he had heard the expression used on the said the urchin. street and in the shops. He didn't want to There was another boy who was accosted be captious, he said, but such things pained an ascetic middle-aged with : him. He the club, as a club, would by" lady, hoped Boy, I want to go to Dover Street." take some decided action to express its deep "Well, ma'am," said the boy, "why don't displeasure. then?" "Brudder Green, would object to you go, " you One day, at Lake George, a party of gentle- being called a fox? queried the president. men, trolling among the (beautiful islands on "I reckon not, sah." the lake, with bad luck, espied a little fellow "Well, dar am no great difference between with a red shirt and a straw hat, dangling a de fox an' de coon not 'nuff to kick about. line over the side of a boat. It's jist a habit sartin white men hev got into, "Halloo! boy," said one of them: "what dat's all. Dey would call you a fox or 'pos- are sum or woodchuck as but dun " you doing?" jist quick, dey Fishing," came the answer. doan think quich 'nuff. I'll spoke to 'em of course," said the about it an' hev 'em call you a boss or a " "Well, gentleman; but what do you catch?" mule, if dat will relieve mind. " your Fish, you fool I what do you s'pose?" "But, sah, do you uphold sich conduct?" "Did any of you ever see an elephant's protested the judge, skin?" inquired a teacher of an infant-class. "No, Brudder Green; but I ar' keepin' "I have?" exclaimed one. quiet fur fear of results. De white man has "Where?" asked the teacher. got a mighty long head on him, an' if he was ' ' "On the elephant," said the boy, laughing. prevented from callin' you a coon he'd hunt Sometimes this kind of wif degenerates or up sunthin' a good deal wuss befo' he was a rises, as the case may be, into punning, as day older. Sot down, jedge sot down an' when Flora pointed pensively to the heavy rest your back-ache. You hasn't been feelin' las' masses of clouds in the sky, saying : well fur de week, an' perhaps this change "I wonder where those clouds are going?" in de wedder has affected your mind." and her brother replied : ' ' " I think they are going to thunder. Also the dialogue : Not Jealous. " following there? do sell Halloo, how you your MRS. LUSHLEY And there you were, when wood?" the policeman found you at three in the the cord." a it's "By" morning, hugging cigar sign. Oh, just How long has it been cut?" awful. feet." "Four Mr. Lushley My dear, it surely is not pos- ' ' I it mean how long has been since you sible that you are jealous of a cigar sign. cut it?" "No than it is now." longer "Woman. And also when Patrick O'Flynn was seen Lucky with his collar and his bosom sadly begrimed, MRS. WICKWIRE You know very well that and was asked his officer : bill for one amounts to more " indignantly by your cigar day Patrick O'Flynn, how long do you wear than all my incidental expenses for a week. a shirt?" Mr. Wickwire That's a woman's luck. " just Twenty-eight inches, sir." I wish I could get along as cheaply as you This reminds me of an instance which is can. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES 23

Young America Still Ahead.

3. 4, Give the Fly a Chance. "Good many flies in here," he said to a shoemaker on Champlain Street, as he sat down to have a lift put on the heel of his shoe. "Yes." "Never tried to drive 'em out, did you?" "No." "Don't want to keep 'em on the outside, I suppose?" "No." "Wouldn't put up a screen door then if any one should give you one?" "No." " You must be the friend?" " house-fly's My frendt, I vhas sooch a man dot I like eaferypody to get along all right. If you on some flies he vhas mad if pitch ; you gif him a shance maype he goes py himself und does vhell und vhas your frendt." NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

The Fall of Childe Chappie. necessary sequence. My reason for moving to New York was not wholly political." ' ' We won't discuss that, After unsuccessfully trying the State-at- large you availed yourself of the opportunity afforded by the death of Hon. James Brooks to move into his district?" " I moved into the district formerly represented by the honorable gentleman you name, but again I must dissent from your conclu- sions." "Let that pass. You were elected to Con- gress from Mr. Brooks' former district?" "I was. But let me remark, my friend, that at this moment my time is very much occupied. Your resume of my biography, faulty as some of your deductions are in point of logic, is deeply interesting to me, and at a time of greater freedom from pres- sing engagements I would be glad to convass the subject with you at length. But just now being unusually busy, even for me, I must request you to state the precise object of your visit and let me add that I shall be glad to serve you." ' ' I have no favor to ask. I am an admirer of yours. I always vote for you and always want to do so if I can. I called this morning merely to inquire if you had selected your next district."

Fallen. ii. The Mighty "He had returned to his home from Stay there ! village a trip to Washington, and that same evening he appeared at the drug store to entertain an "Sunset" Cox's Mysterious Visitor. admiring audience with his adventures. There is a good story relating to the late "Saw our Congressman, 1 suppose?" quer- Samuel Sullivan Cox, which will perhaps ried the blacksmith. ' " bear repeating at this time. One day, years, Of course, and took dinner with him. ago, just after an election which had gone 'You did, eh? By George, but that shows him, he was seated in his when we are no one-horse folks here! See the against study " a piece of pasteboard embellished by a rudely President? ' written name was handed in. Notwithstand- I did, special appointment." by " ing the forbidding aspect of the card its gaunt 'Shake hands with him? and uncouth six-foot bearer was admitted, 'I did." ' " and, without preliminary formality, lifted up Ask you to sit down? this effect a heavy voice ; 'Yes, sir." ; ' " Your name is Cox?" Seemed to be glad to see you? ' I have the honor." 'He did." ' ' " S. S. Cox?" Stay long? 'The same." ' About fifteen minutes." ' 1 " Sometimes called Sunset Cox?" Ask you to call again? ' That is a sobriquet by which I am known 'He did." among my more familiar friends." ' Did you call him Ben? " ' You formerly resided in Columbus, Ohi ." 'Why, no." 'That happiness was once mine." ' You didn't dare call him Ben." ' ' " Represented that district in Congress?" Certainly not. ' T I that and ' that's all I enjoyed extinguished honor, Well, want to know sir ! You add at may a somewhat early age." own the grist mill, woollen factory, three "After awhile they gerrymandered the stores, and the tavern, and have been to the district so as to make it rather warm for an Legislature and given us to understand that aspiring Democrat?" you were a heap of a feller, but hain't. ' ' you You have evidently read the history of You went down to Washington and sat on to " your" country good purpose, my friend. the edge of a cheer and talked to the Presi- Then you moved to New York, where you dent, and dasn't call him Ben, and I don't stood a better show?" " foiler you any further!; Come on boys, let's Well, my friend, your premise is correct. go up to Church's grocery and see that feller I did to move New York. But your conclu- who fit seven rounds of a prize fight in sion is hardly admissible in the form of a Buffalo last week." NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 25

At the Masquerade. The Man in The Bushes. THERE were eight of us sitting on some cotton bales at a little railroad station in South Carolina waiting for a train which wasn't expected for nearly an hour. Eight opposite us was a strip of forest, and presently we saw a man bend aside a bush and sur- vey us in a cautious manner. Ev- eryone saw him, and yet no one offered any explanation of his presence until he had stood there for three or four minutes. Then a woman from Arkansas laid aside

her snuff stick and observed : "Really, now, if I was home I should reckon that feller meant shute, and I should hurry to make myself skass." "He can't wan't to shoot us," replied one of the men. ^' Guess I'll make shore of that by wakin' him up," said a Georg- ian, as he got out his revolver. Be- fore he could fire there was the report of a gun behind us, followed a and a native climbed And now 'tis twelve o'clock, remove I pray that mask by yell, which conceals I'm sure a face as beautiful as I know its over the bales, gun in hand, and owner to be charming. started to cross the double tracks He was not yet over the first when there was a shot from the bushes and the man in front of us spun around like a top, dropped his gun, and fell upon the rails. Then, before any of us had moved, a second native came out of the bushes with a smoking gun in his hands, and, as he bent over the figure on the ground he laughed.

! I "Ha ! ha jist dropped at yer fire so as to get the drop on you ! I guess you won't bother me no mo'." When he had gone we went to the aid of the other. As we pulled him off the track he struggled up, reached for his gun, and ' ' looked around and said : much obleeged, but tain't nuthin'. The onery skunk has just left a bullet in my shoulder that's all. I thought I had a bead on him but he drapped too quick fur me. Any of you all got any terbacker? The mask removed. I'll I Thanks. I reckon go home and have the old woman try and pick this lead out with a needle." A Natural Inference. darning " TALKING about of keen I have dogs scent, to Pa! one that will compare favorably with any of Speak them." The maid fell overboard one day;

" The boat was far from land ; Remarkable dog, eh?" " " Her frenzied lover cried, Oh ! pray, I should so. The other he broke say day Pray, love, give me your hand !" his and I had been for chain, although away The maid no hours he tracked me and found me merely by betrayed silly" fear, But murmuring said, Oh ! la, scent. What do think of that?" " you You ask me for my hand, George, dear* I think you ought to take a bath." You first must speak to pa." 26 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

Tale of a Snake. A Self Sacrificing Member. Not long ago a member serving his second' term approached silver-haired Breckinridge, who was conversing with Mr. Crisp and Mr. Carlisle. The Western man somewhat ab- ruptly interrupted them. "The Democratic party, gentlemen," said he, "is suffering for lack of leadership. We are not having fair play in the election con- tests. The interests of the party and the country demand that five or six prominent Democratic Representatives should take the lead. They should obstruct business by making parliamentary motions. Above all, they should make the most powerful speeches upon each case, and thus arouse the country. Six of the most prominent will do. You can put me down for one of them." "Yes," naively replied Mr. Breckinridge, "but the trouble will be to find the other five." Hallo ! a snake but what workings. Must be a variety, strange in these parts. Is it now tro- natrix no, may be it is Pelis Berus um pidonotus A Virgin Forest. "JUDGE" Campbell was one of the most popular men in the House. A more genial and obliging gentleman never breathed. He was particularly affable to new members. In. the last Congress he introduced a new member to Gov. Gear, who represented the old First district of Iowa. The Governor, who is fully as genial as the Judge, shook hands ' ' with the now acquaintance and said : oh, yes, I remen?ber you perfectly. You were a member of the last House." no, Governor," re- "Oh, " Judge Campbell marked, he is a new member. You're entirely off. This House is a virgin forest to him.'" The Representative, who overheard the rein with the mark, here broke inquiry ; "What is a virgin forest ?' "A virgin forest," Mr. Campbell respond- ' ' ed, a virgin forest is i s of course any Guess I'll secure it as a and it at specimen, study man knows what a virgin forest is a virgin leisure. ' my forest is Here he began to move his hands as though working a buzz wheel. "A virgin forest is a place well, it's a place where the hand of man had never put his foot."

"SISTER told me to come in and talk to you till she found her hair," said a little six-year- old girl to her big sister's beau. "Do you like to have me talk to you? Sister says you sing like a screech owl. Won't you sing for me? Sister says why you ain't going, are 2 you? Oh, my 1 Won't sister be mad, though."

A LADY wanted her little girl to bathe in a, room, the windows of which into a opened" yard, in which were some fowls But. "said the little girl, "I don't want to bathe before the chickens." "0, never mind the chickens," said the mother. "Well," said the little ' ' I won't bathe before the roost- Ah (But the chain was strong and the naturalist woman, escaped. er, anyhow." NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 27

Hanta Klaus Caught in the Act The Alligator Wouldn't Eat. A CHRISTMAS COMEDY IN THREE ACTS. "Had great fun the other evening, "sajfc ' ' a young man. Called on a young-ladj friend of mine, and found she had just received a little bit of an alligator from a friend in Florida. The young lady was terribly worried about the little saurian afraid it would die, and all that. Well, I knew you couldn't kill the reptile, but I didn't say so ; I encouraged the young lady to worry and feel bad. 'that's it "It wants eggs,' I said ; what wants raw eggs; and jou had better hurry up and give it some. ' " She had put the beast in the basket. I

took it and said : " up 'Why haven't you got some cotton in. here for it to sleep on ?' " ' She looked scared, and said, cotton ?' "Yes, cotton,' I said. She was mightily alarmed, and hustled around and found a roll of cotton which she loaded into the basket. Then she got a saucer and a couple of eggs and broke 'em and put 'em under the alligator's nose. " 'They must be beaten and made frothy,' I told her. ' ' So she did that. But it wouldn't eat any more than before, of course. I flopped the little beast over into the egg and smeared it all over with the batter, and it got so scared that it jumped around in the cotton and got tangled up. You know egg-paste is great stuff for sticking. ' ' Then I told her to take the cotton out ; that the alligator wouldn't sleep till it had eaten. " Then I had her fix up a dish of pulveriz- ed sugar and cream, and bring some new radishes ancj some peach preserve and some olives and little onions and cheese. "All this time the poor girl was worry iifcj dreadfully, and two or three times when tfc beast let the curtains down over its eyes sit: thought it was dying. But she never suspected that I was making game of her till I told her at last that she couldn't kill the alligator with an ax, and that all it would need to eat for a while would be a dish of water and a lot of pebbles and dirt. Then she chas- ed me out of the house with her brother's big horn-handled cane, and I haven't dared to go back yet."

AT A CAUCUS held in Detroit the other night the burden of all the speeches was that the best man should be voted for. After the bal- lot it was discovered that every man had voted for himself.

ACCORDING to a florist's magazine "Jacks are becoming cheap." This may be true, but we have known men who would have been the two. willing to pay $10 for one to put with already in their hands.

stick a ACT III. Chorus Ahl Oh!' A human postman. 28 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

"That's was all I could think Purely Conjectural. good." " of to say in reply. And say !" he con- as he astonished the old mare tinued, " with a sharp cut, for the last ten years the old woman has been callin' me grand- pa and tryin' to make out that I orter sot in the corner and let her handle the reins. She's my second, you know, and only 50, and she feels mighty peart. Lands, you orter be there when I walk in on her this evenin' and tell her to step down off the platform! Woof! but I feel like a steer in a cornfield ?" "Well, I hope you won't be disappointed." "Thank ye. I don't believe I shall be. I feel it in my bones that I'm goin' to be took right back to 1885. Say ! There's another thing I'm goin' to do if " that elixir elixes on me. "Yes?" "I've got a son-in-law named Pete Shoecraft. Pete beat me out of four JACK VAN TIPS" Ah, Bertie, that's a nice horseyou hogs last year. Along about sundown have there. Who -was he dammed by ?" tonight I'll walk in on Pete as he is BERTIE-'' Well, weally, I think it must be my groom milking the cows, and if I don't belt the for I heard him swearm* at him this morning dreadfully. P > stuffin out of him then my name ain t Absolom Joslyn ! Whoop ! Durn my hick- ery shirt if I'm a day over 60 years old this Had Faith. He very minit, and I'll bet I kin lift a ton !" He was driving an old gray mare to a buck- "board, and in a voice high-pitched and Preferred Sudden Death ! cracked he offered to give me a lift into WHEN Colonel Wintersmith first came to Rhinebeck, relates the New York "Sun." Washington, many years ago, he strolled up After we had jogged along for a quarter of a to the Capitol. While wandering through mile he suddenly inquired : the corridors he accidentally stumbled into " What's this 'ere thing in the papers about the public gallery of the United States Senate. the elixir !" The galleries were packed. Charles Sumner " I know nothing except what I have read." was making a speech. Everybody listened " They say it sots an old man back thirty- with breathless interest. When Mr. Sumner with one dose." closed, Garret Davis arose. Mr. Davis en- years" Yes, they tell wonderful stories." joyed the nick-name of Garrulous Davis. As "I ain't much given to such yarns," he he began to speak there was a rush from the continued as his bow-back humped over a galleries. Colonel Wintersmith was astound- little more and his chin took on a ed. He recognized Mr. Davis and became in- " quiver, but I'm to see what there is in it." dignant. Drawing a brace of revolvers hes aid : " goin' Are you going to try it !" "Gentlemen, you will please keep your "Sartin. I hitched up sorter quietly this seats. The Senator from Kentucky is morning, and told the old woman I was goin' talking, and you must hear him." to town after an apple parer. I shall drive Every man resumed his seat instantly. right down to the doctor's and get a dose of Among the number was an old Jerseyman, the elixir." who was wedged in a front seat between two "Well, it may rejuvenate you !" negroes. Garret Davis talked for three hours. "I'm kinder expectin' it will. Got to The Jerseyman drew many a long breath, but thinkin of it last night, and couldn't go to never swerved. When the speech was end- sleep. I'm 72 years old, and if this thing ed he walked up to Colonel Wintersmith and should put me back to 40 it would take a yoke with some emotion said : of oxen to hold me. I've got it all planned "Did I understand you that it was the out." Senator from Kentucky who was addressing "What." us?" "What I'd do when I get home. My son "Yes, sir," responded the Kentucky Col- ' ' Bill has sorter bin runnin' to suit his- onel, he was Senator Davis from things Kentucky." self for the last three or four years. Thinks Have you any fault to find with his speech? I've got too old to even know how to sell a "N n no," the Jerseyman stammered, ' ' sheepskin to a tin peddlar. If that elixir but I want to ask one favor of you. The works on me I'll astonish Bill Joslyn afore next time you catch me in this gallery when the sun goes down. I'll tumble him into the the Senator from Kentucky arises to speak burdocks in a way to open his eyes. Whoop ! please don't warn me, but shoot shoot righfc I'm feelin' a heap better already !" off the quicker the better." NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

His New Spring Hat.

Campbell Tennyson. most confidence. "I know myself, and 1 been While Judge Campbell was a member of know my people. I've reading poetry Congress there was treachery in one of the lately. The poets always get things right. a fellow named Assembly districts composing his Congres- There's one verse written by I don't sional district. The newspapers were com- Tennyson that just suits my case. this: menting on its effect upon the Judge's future believe you ever heard it. It's political prospects. A brother member, upon "Men may come, and men may go, a fear that it But I stay here forever." meeting him, expressed he would be so damaging that Mr. Campbell Then turning to his brother member raised both hands and said: "You can bet would be defeated, if renominated. "" " rock of sand. Oh, no," replied the Judge, with the ut- that my house is not built upon a 30 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

usual of motion "You are sweais Monarch of all He Surveys. rapidity ; ing!" 'Well, such a cussed, infernal beast ought to be sworn at. Git up and give him "Lands! but there you go again! Say, has the millennium come ?" "I she has." " guess And we can all swear ?" "That's what ails Hanner." "Good! I've bin holding in for two years on this beast, thinking it was wicked. IE you, a minister of the gospil, can use profanity it can't be wicked in me, and now you hang on to the seat and I'll wallop out of him so that he will remember it all his life!"

Too Late.

' '' ' Your time has come, said a physician, speaking to an old Georgian, who lay stretched out on a bed. "Air you shore, doc?" "Yes." ' ' Ain't no chance fur you ter be wrong, is thar?" " PATBON Mr. Hardscrabble is not I see." " In, "None whatever. You'll be dead by sun- Bo7 He's been working pretty stiff all this win- down." and I've let him off for a week's vacation." ter, "Shore nuff now?' 1 "Yes, I tell you." ' ' Doc, you ain't trying to get off a joke on How the Millennium Came. me, air you?" lived "No, I never a man." Just out of Bennington, Vt., Deacon " joke dying Tracy, and one day a brother of his died and Wall, then, Irecken I'm gone, but I wush willed him a horse. The animal came to him I'd know'd it a week ago." ' ' from a distance of seventy-five miles, and Think you would have been better pre- whether it was the change of scene or a streak pared?" in him no one could a better." of natural cussedness say, ""Yep, heep but he "took fits." He would balk on the It is not too late to pray, if that will do and often with no excuse at slightest excuse, you" any good." all, and the Deacon would have to hold him- I don't keer nuthin' Tjout that, but ef I'd last week I self in and fool around until the beast got a knowed what know now, why ready to go on. He would have got rid of him, I wouldenter bought that roan hoss. I'd 'a'- but nobody wanted the horse, and in hopes tuck the money an' had some fun with it. that he might have a change of heart the Coulder had a rattlin' time on that forty dol- Deacon continued to drive him in and out of lars. Coulder bought licker enough ter town. scalded a hog in. That's the way with this One day he got notice that a clergyman of here world. A man never knows nuthin' til] his faith was coming to spend a short va- it's too late." cation with him, and he drove in to meet the train. Instead of the clergyman, who was "Oh, G-ive Us a Rest!" not very well known to him, he picked up a Boston drummer who was out on a vacation ON the up-train from San Francisco, a few and wanted to go to the next farm beyond days ago, was a passenger who had with him the Deacon's. Neither had had tune for any a cage containing a parrot. Shortly after before the horse balked. a came questions leading Oakland, newsboy" running "What's up ?" asked the stranger as the rig through the car announcing San Francisco came to a Here's " stop. papers! your morning papers," etc., He's balked," answered the Deacon. when he was unexpectedly interrupted by the "Well?" parrot, which ejaculated, "Oh, give us a ' ' Wall, I can't do nuthin' with him. We've rest !" Under the rules of the company, the got to wait for him to get ready." parrot was presently removed from the pas- "That's a of a note !" growled the senger coach to the baggage car. The bag- drummer. was out his " gageman busily engaged sorting W-what !" the Deacon. and it where he wanted " gasped baggage putting just Why him, the way is to get up and it. The confusion, added to the noise and cut out of his hide," said the drummer. jolting of the train, was too much for the called the Deacon as he and he cried out, to the astonishment of "Say! Say!" bird, " chewed on his tobacco with fifty times the the baggageman, Where in am I?" NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 31

Not That "Way. "'Then,' said he in a whisper that I alone ' could hear, go and hedge.'" It is related of Sothern that once in Lon- don he entered an iron monger's shop and, advancing to the counter, said: "Have you the second addition of Macaular's ' " History of England ?' The shopkeeper explained that he kept an iron mongering establishment. "Well, it don't matter whether it is bound in calf or not," answered the customer. ''But " sir, this is not a bookseller's. "It don't matter how it Sothern a you put up," says ; piece of brown paper the sort of a thing you would give your own mother." "Sir!" bawled the shopkeeper, "we don't keep it! No books; this is an iron mongering shop." "Yes, "says Sothern, "the binding differs, but I'm not particular as long as I have a " " fly leaf, don't you know. Sir !" fairly screamed the shopkeeper, "can't you see we keep no book? This is an iron monger's shop!" "Cer- tainly," said Sothern, seating himself . "I'll wait for it." Believing that his customer was either hopelessly deaf or equally mad, the man called another from the other end of the store and explained that he could do nothing with the gentleman. "What do you wish, sir!," shouted the second man, advan- " " THE have ing. I should like, said Sothern, quietly, GOOD MAN (Sadly)" Ah, my son, you ' ' " ' ' been to it that a small, file about so Certain- the circus ; pains me greatly to think plain long. one so young should have crossed the threshold of ly, sir," said the man, casting upon bewil- Iniquity." dered No. 1 a glance of the most unmitigated THE BAD SMALL BOY" I didn't cross no thres- disgust. N. Y. Com. Ad. hold ; I crawled in under the tent."

A Straight Tip. " The Knowing Barber. One of said a my toughest experiences," Nat the amiable well-known turfman "was the Goodwin, comedian, says yesterday, that Lawrence Barrett and he went into a loss of a bet of $500 occasioned a Jew through in to shaved. Bar- money lender's extreme caution. barber-shop Chicago get rett fell into a chair that was over "A number of us were one day presided by discussing one of your talkative barbers. a certain Shylock, who was conced- generally "Did see that man who out of ed to be the closest man in the to you just got country the chair?" asked the barber. deal with. " " Barrett, 'I'll bet $500 even that I can borrow $1.000 " No," replied indifferently. That was Gresham," said the bar- of him on I. Judge personal recognizance,' said ' ' " my ber. I didn't know him when he sat 'Done,' answered the crowd, simultane- down, but when I to work on him I knew he was ously. got ' ' a the look and manner he had. As I could not stake enough for more Judge just by It's a singular thing, but I can tell a man's than one bet, they pooled against me. I had trade nearly every time by just looking at a sure thing. The money was placed and off I went with a committee of two to borrow him,"" You can eh?" said the cash. " Barrett, incredulously, ' ' ' what business am I in?" Mr, these have bet me Well, then, Isaacs, gentlemen The barber ran his over the $500 that I cannot borrow $1.000 of I do supple fingers you. then forward in not need the money, but I want you to let me tragedian's head, stepped front of the chair and scrutinized the traged- have it for one day only, and I'll divide the ian's face and and then, with bet with you. person intently, " an of countenance and a tone of The effect was not what I looked for. In- expression voice naif and half tead of jumping at the chance of inquiring," yet positive, making the barber said; Shoe store?" $250 he looked at me, then at the committee (who were confounded at my cool swindle, lor so they termed it), and finally he button- iieled me, and said : THE new ten-cent stamp to insure the im- " ' Did you make that bet?' mediate delivery of an urgent letter is all very '"I -Id,' said I. well in theory, but every married woman ' 'Did you bet $500 you could borrow the knows that it won't work for a cent in prac- money of me?' tice unless her husband's overcoat pockets are '"that's what I did.' all sewed up. 32 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

' Hermann's Poker Story. will be to give the money to some charitable institution.' cards in said " "I never play earnest," Herr- Then I gave the waiter one of the bills I after the show last "Those who man night. had won to pay for the wine. He came back know me wouldn't play with me anyhow, with it and the information that it was a of I wouldh't take advan- and, course, any counterfeit. Yes, sir. That guileless youth those who don't. But I tage of remember had won my good money and rung in over a not a thousand one night, years ago, that, in hundred dollars' worth of paper on me that to amuse a few I sat down to order friends, a wasn't worth a cent a pound. I'm pretty little of You quiet game poker. see, it was good on handling cards, but poker is a mighty this way: I met the friends, and was intro- uncertain game mighty uncertain." duced to an innocent-looking youth of the dude persuasion, whose face was as vacant in The President's Little Joke. expression as a pound of putty. This youth to be in the had been bragging of his powers as a poker I HAPPENED President's office one when Senators Camden and player, and had made the others so tired that day, Kenna in. dozen were they whispered me to take the conceit out of came A gentlemen already but Senatorial received him, for the fun there was in it. I was present, dignity due and instant When the two Sen- ready, and we. sat down." recognition. "In ators of a State approach the President to- " Philadelphia?" Bless you, no. They don't play poker in gether they generally mean business. And so did the West statesmen. After Philadelphia. This was . Well, when Virginia a we began the game I allowed the youngster few casual remarks, they invited the President his affairs that in to win to get him interested, and, the better to so shape the spring he a week with in to enjoy the circus, the others dropped out might spend them, fishing the and my victim and I had the table to our- matchless bass shoals of tneir mountain selves. Of course I was to give him back streams. The invitation was followed with whatever I won from him that was under- glowing descriptions of the scenery through stood. We didn't play with chips, as we had which those clear waters dash, ana with in- none, but made the game a quarter ante and spiring tales of the sport they afforded. Both a dollar limit, so that we could use the money Senators told good fish stories which evident- without making any awkward change. Ev- ly interested the President. He thanked ery time my callow friend won a pot he put them heartily, and said he would be delighted the silver and bills in his pocket and would to remove a few West Virginia bass from he: chip in the stuff as he needed it. After he their present offices. Said "Your fish of one I once heard. had won a respectable pile I began to get my stories remind me A to a chance work in, and by handling and dealing the fellow related acquaintance a as he cards in my own peculiar way I soon had his wonderful fish story, and, concluded, ' : don't that ?' pile on a fair way to innocuous desuetude. asked Now, surprise you " ' ' Occassionally I would let him win, just to No,' was the cool response, I am a liar keep the fun up, and I don't know but what myself.'" Both at this I enjoyed my opponent's innocence as much Senators laughed heartily sally as did my friends. But all things must have of Executive humor. an end. Finally, I cleaned him out and ordered a bottle. My friends couldn't keep it The Perfect "Woman at Last. in any longer. JONES came home at an unseemly hour one ' '"I say, old man,' said one, do you know night, and was surprised to see Mrs. Jones sit- ' who you've been playin' with? ting up for him below stairs. "Yes, replied my victim, calmly; 'Herr- "M-M-Maria," he said huskily, "y-yott 1 mann, the magician, and he's a good player. ' shouldn't sit up s late when I'm out on busi- " "This was somewhat of a surprise all round. ness. But I laughed and handed him back the As Mrs. Jones did not answer him, he con- money I had won, He wouldn't take it. No, tinued in an alarmed voice : sir. Said I had it had he mine he m' but it's lash time tell won ; won "Shorry, dear, to !" would have kept it, and under no considera- you I'm sorry. Won't speak me tion would he take it back. That was not his At this moment Mrs. Jones called from, of It was no use for me above stairs: way playing poker. " to protest, to tell him that I had deliberately Mr. Jones, who are you talking to at this robbed him. He was sorry that he had got hour of the night?" ' ' " in with a man who didn't play a square Thas'h what I like to know myself, stam- but that was his lookout. He ought to mered Jones. fame,ave seen that he was being fleeced and with Mrs. Jones hastened down stairs, lamp in his eyes open, too, he was not the man to hand. When she saw the situation she squeal. I tell you I felt mean. I didn't laughed, in spite of being very angry. think it half so funny then as I did before. "It's the model," she said, "the model I But all I could say or do made no impression bought to-day to fit my dresses on." on my victim, and with a dignified bow he "Yes, thas'h so," said Jones, tipsily, left us." "model woman didn't talk back make ' ' ' ' All I can do, I said to one of my friends, some fellow good wife." NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 33

A Study of She. Good Little Tommy. The more we study She the more we dont' understand how it is that She is able to twist as around her little finger whenever She feels like it. .But She is. For whom is that in childhood's happy days we fight with a boy three sizes larger than ourselves, and get so severely punished that we can't sit up for a week ? Why, for She and She only laughs at us for our pains. Who is it that devours all our spare change in the shape of caramels, and calls for more and gets them, too? She. For whom do we linger at stage doors with ten dollar bouquets, to purchase which we have to endure a fortnight's martyrdom at free lunch counters ! She. Who is it that at the railroad restaurant A big bull pup with a spotted tail deals out the soul destroying sandwich and the death dealing doughnut ! 'Tis She every time. If it were He we would slay him on the spot and glory in the deed. Who accepts our hard earned gold on the oretense of being a first class cook, and then broils our steak in a frying pan and boils our

coffee an hour ! She. Who is it that accepts our theatre tickets, our $8 suppers, our bouquets and our devotion, and then goes off and marries another fellow ! She and for this we ought to forgive her a good deal. Who, we ask, is it that when we employ her as typewriter spells summer with one m and February with only one r, and yet escapes without censure ! It is She. Ah, yes ! It is She.

A wicked boy with an old tin An Old Proverb Twisted= pals. " See that man !" ' ' The one with such a vigorous and healthy look !" "Yes. You wouldn't think he had one foot in the grave, would you !" ' ' No, indeed. He looks the picture of health." "Well, he is." " What made you say he had one foot in ' the grave, then! "Because he has. He lost his foot in a railway accident, and it was buried. You'd never think he could walk so with naturally He tried this cork." racket, a But it wouldn't do, But the man had gone, and he was left to talk to vacancy.

Her Husband "Wasn't In.

"Husband in?" asked the gas collector, cheerfully. "No," answered the woman, "he isn't at home." " Expecting him soon?" asked the collector. "Well," the woman replied, thoughtfully, 1 I've don't know exactly ; been lookin' for him seventeen years and he hasn't turned up yet. You travel about a good deal and if you see a man who looks as though he'd make me a tell him I'm still pretty good husband, So they Duried that boy awaitin' and send him along." Where the daises grew NEW YAHNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

it. Was Corns. ''King of the Susquerhanner." There was scores of in AT a passengers waiting Lynnburg grizzly -looking man got the Pennsylvania depot, Jersey City, and a aboard and took a seat directly in front of them a real old- prominent figure among was me. Before the train got fairly started he fashioned woman, wearing a quaint old bon- turned around and asked me if lever did any net, and having the traditional number of rafting. I told him that 1 had ridden on Mis- parcels and bandboxes with her. She had sissippi river rafts, but had never followed eaten a fried cake and drunk from a bottle of the business as a profession. cold and after the "I'm a nat'rl tea, brushing crumbs away raftsman," said the grizzly she took from her pocket a whetstone and a man. "I've rafted on ev'ry river in this pocket knife, and began putting an edge on country. I done my best work, though, the latter. There was a general stir of inter- right up here on the Susquerhanner. There est around her, and a man who sat near by, is where I shone like a new dollar. I used to remarked : let 'em all start before then I " me, would pull Well, you are the first woman I ever saw out. I wouldn't go a mile with my fleet be- vrho could a knife." fore I would to find 'em stuck " sharpen begin on the Lands save but I know of 'em!" I'd throw 'em a 'em off " you, fifty bars, rope, pull and she replied. Any women folks up our way go on. I'd do this for somebody on ev'ry bar, who can't sharpen axes and knives are count- and I al'ays took the biggest and deepest ed no good This 'ere knife belongs to the fleet to. Then I would get down, deliver my old man, and hain't very good stuff." logs, and go back and get another fleet. That "What's your object in sharpening the trip I'd have to pull 'em off again same's knife?" he asked, as she worked away with before. I'd make seven trips to their one. much The man I was for said he " vigor. working never Corns. Got two on the bottom of my left seed anything like it. No man knowed that foot, Orter pared 'em down afore I left Susquerhanner River like me. No man could home, but didn't have time. Got fifty -five run it like me. All the bosses 1 worked for minits to wait here, and I'll put it in on the said so. They uster call me old Pizeii Jones, corns. How's that for an of the " edge?" King Susquerhanner. People come Sharp as a razor," he replied, as he re- miles to see me. But I had to give up the ceived the knife, felt of its edge and passed it bus'ness. back. "Why was that?" "Yes, I guess it will do. You'd better "I was too modest. I didn't blow ; bout move now. Hate to bother you, but them myself enough. I didn't go 'round tootin corns is dreadful." my own horn, and the conserquence was He moved away, followed by two or three that I couldn't get no job mor'n half the others, and the old lady slipped off her shoe time. Other men without a quarter of my and stocking, turned her back to the crowd, ability blowed 'bout what they could do and and began operations. She was through in got the jobs. It was merit agin gall, and gall about twenty minutes, and, after replacing got there and merit got snagged on a bar. I her shoe, she bundled her packages together remember my teacher when I went to school and loudly remarked : uster repeat some poetry writ by a man that "There! I feel a hundred dollars better, lived up at Port Byron that pretty near tells and I'll have half an hour more after 1 git it. 'Maidens, like moths,' said he. 'are al- home to help change them hens into the new ways caught by a big glare' and Mammon coop." winsthegame where Seeriphs might despare.' It's jest the same with rafting and cheek. way " has downed me all life. N. Y. the Call Modesty my Obeying to Arras. Tribune. " I've been working hard for a Federal ap- ever since Harrison was pointment inaugurat- His Dream Realized. ed," exclaimed a man on Pennsylvania avenue ' ' " yesterday morning, and I haven't got it yet. Do you believe in dreams?" v> I obeyed the call to arms twenty-eight years "No. . ago and I think I am deserving of credit. I "I do." " " suffered many a hard campaign, Ever have one come true?" rats!" said " "Oh, a man who stood near, Well, no ; not exactly." "what do know about suffering? I obey the "Then how do you happen to hold such an call to arms a dozen times a night and am absurd belief?" ' ' doing it in caring for the citizens of this Re- Well, sir, one night last summer I dreamed public, If you are entitled to a Federai ap- that the devil had been turned loose for a pointment so am I." thousand years." "What do mean?" asked the crowd " And what you " happened?" standing about. My mother-in-law came in on the morn- "Simply that I have twins up at my ing train, and she's with us yet." house," answered the man sadly. Do the New York policemen belong to the Is smoking injurious? Very, to tobacco. arrest-ocracy? NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 35

A Gratified "Wish I I why, where am I?" I guess I dropped off to sleep." "And I guess better have stayed you'd" asleep, Lilly Gush ! hissed Samuel into her ear as the crowd made a rush for doors and dark corners where giggling and tittering could be indulged in freely.

A Dissipated Belle. "ALL that gal thinks of is fine serciety," said an indignant Montana matron speaking ' ' of her daugnter. She thinks she's got to be on the gad, hither an' non, a-fritterm' away her time in serciety the hull endoorin' time. To-night she's went to the grand sacred con- 1 cert an' free dance up at Sam Baxter's, an " in the I Take care, Master Bob, or ye'll fall las' night she put off to see that dog fight Water." over to High Bagg's. The night before she had to go to a candy-pull, an' the night before that to the pie-eatin' match an' ball at the Widder Hopkinses, an' to-morrer night she'll be set on goin' to the kissin' play party at Nancy Briggses, to say nothin' of her runnin' off to the linchin'V them two cattle thieves last Sunday night an' the turkey shootin' match yisterday afternoon. I'm goin' to shut down on her traipsm' 'round so, even if she is the belle of this county !

Imitative Ethel. LITTLE Ethel has a bachelor uncle, and she had noticed that when he wanted to be em- phatic he used a certain monosyllabic word of II." Pshaw ! I'd like to see myself ! four letters. Not long ago Ethel was afflict- ed with quite a severe pain under her little apron, the result of too free an indulgence in the toothsome cucumber. When Uncle Jack came home at supper time he was informed of the grievous plight of his favorite, and hastened to her comfort. Ethel, dear," he said, advancing "Well, " my " to the sofa, How do you feel now? ' ' Pretty d n miserable, thank you, Uncle Jack," she replied with an air of having said quite the proper thing under the circumstances.

One on Quay. AT Cleveland two cars filled with III." Now, bejabers, look at yerself !" they put Polish imigrants on the rear of our train, as they had through some accident been belated, She Awoke too Soon. and we sped away for Toledo. At about 9 old o'clock at a man came in to our car "FOR forty long years have my good night which Senator had a and said : wife and I travelled hand in hand adown in Quay berth, " at "Ladies and a child has been life'e thorny road said old Deacon Gush gentleman, born in one of the cars. It's a an apple-paring party the other evening, immigrant we in I'm a Penn- "and in all these years not one single harsh, boy. Although are Ohio, our when and as Senator is also hasty, unkind word has passed lips sylvanian myself, Quay on the it is to name the speaking to each other. Isn't that true train proposed boy mother?" Quay Langkowski. It nas been proposed that " " all and a for the Mother had quietly fallen asleep on the we chip in raise purse boy." sofa Mr. Gush's side, and as he laid his We chipped. Quay saw our white pile by be hand caressingly on her shoulder, she gave a and raised it by $5, saying that he should little snort of defiance and said, sharply. proud of the honor, and the man passed into the we learned that "Get up yourself and build the fire, Sam next car. An hour later no fellow Gush, I built it last and I'll see you in Guinea child had been born, and that the before I'll build it this morning, you oh oh had raised $75 and dropped off at some station. 36 XI-: JV YAENS AND FUNNY JOKES.

back Her Specialty. tube in your mouth. Lean now and breathe So naturally. " I-I "Oh, doctor, " "Don't talk take full breaths, and " "I-I-oh, doctor, it won't "Keep perfectly still now," "I-I-ev-a-a-ah?" " I guess she's gone now," says the dentist ' to his assistant. "Hand me my forceps." Half a minute later she gasps out: " Oh-oh I is it out? 1 feel so funny f I- I Did I act siUy ? I didn't feel it one bit ! It was just like going to sleep. I hadn't the faintest idea when you drew the tooth out ! I-I let me see the tooth ugh! It just seemed to me that I'm awfully glad the thing's out ! I've suffered everything and a little more water, please; ugh! What n.o,kes it bleed so? My mouth's as sore, I didnt know when " ' ' I'd like the chair as Foon as possible for another patient," says the dentist, and she slides out and hurries to the glass to see how she looks with that tooth out.

From an Unquestionable Source. ME. DE VIM" How long have you been studying "MATILDA, that boy of ours is chuck full of Kosa Miss That ox team resting - Benheur, Spindle? slang," remarked Mr. Dusenbury, in a sharp in the shade is to be your masterpiece, I sup- going tone. "He talks about me as pose.'" complaining Miss SPINDLE "Oh, no, adult cattle are beyond the guv'nor, and this morning I heard him to most ' ' my reach. My calves are what appeal peo- tell Bridget to Let her go, Gallagher ! P Where does he pick up such abominable MR. DE VIM don't look it!" " "Well, you stuff? ' ' knows, " Mrs. A Tooth Out. Goodness, only Dusenbury said, with a well stimulated look of ignor- ''Do you want to take gas?" asked the ance. dentist of the who wanted the "At I continued Mr. young lady school," suppose," tooth out. Dusenbury, of those Darringer boys. He is I don't know she said, nervously, altogether too fly, that boy, and if I catch " "Oh, I dread to take gas so. I read once of a him with those boys again he'll make a home lady who took gas and died in the dentist's run of the liveliest kind." chair." "He may hear some of it at home,'' sug- "It must have been impure gas improperly gested Mrs. Dusenbury, with motherly kind- given. I've given gas to a thousand people ness. " ' " ' ' and never had any trouble. At home ! cried Mr. Dusenbury. You I I'm afraid I'll act are off base, dear. Who "Well, silly. They entirely "your my some do such ridiculous things, uses slang here? say " people and "Probably I am addicted to it," was Mrs. " Oh, well; you needn't take it if you don't Dusenbury's meek reply. want to." "Well, it's a vice you'd better get rid of " "Will it hurt me, I wonder? then, refined conversation is a mark of cul- " It will be over in a second." ture, Let me hear that kid use slang again "Oh, I dread it so!" and I'll give it to him right off the bat. I'll "You'll hardly know when the tooth's wipe up the floor with him- I'll out." Just then he saw a look on " commiserating Oh, yes, I will. I've had teeth out before his wife's face. He picked up his hat sudden- and scream time." and about an " Ijust every ly, mumbling something having Well, well; scream if you want to." appointment at the office, fled. "I'm dreadfully afraid I'll faint." "No, you won't." He Wanted an AX- "I feel like it now. It's horrid TRAMP woman who has him a " having (to given one's teeth out. loaf of stale bread) : "Now, if you'll show me "Better take gas." the way to the wood-shed I'll get the ax "If I thought it would be perfectlv safe and " I'd "Why, you dear old fellow, you musn't "111 that it won't of too' guarantee hurt you at think cutting wood ; you're weak." all." "Oh, I didn't want the ax for that. I just "Well, I wil!" thought that I'd like to cut off a chunk of "All right. Sit in this chair. Put this this bread if I've got strength enough." NEW YAENS AND FUNNY JOKES. 37

Van Skipps Sudden Rise in Society. How the Baby Assists. Reader, gentle or otherwise, have you ever noticed how the young father and mother of a first baby carry on a conversation ? If you have, you must have wondered how in the worJd they managed to talk to each other be' fore the baby became a member of the family. The following is a sample talk in a family of three, one of which trio is a baby a year old. Mamma (with infant on her if lap) : Baby, ask popper he will die mommer ze paper : [The paper is given.] Papa : Baby, ask 'oor mommer if she knows where popper's slippers are. "Tell papa his slippers are in the hall closet, girley baby." [The " slippers are found and put on.] VAN SKIPP Here comes Mrs. Hevywait ; I suppose I'll have to give up my seat." "Baby, has oo been a good 'ittle totkins to-day ?" "Girley baby, tell 'oor popper dat oo's been de bestest doodest, sweetest 'ittle popsy wopsy wopsy in the town, so oo has." "I's dlad to hear dat, baby. Popper's own daughter girlie must always be dood as a doll." "Baby, now tell popper baby totkins is goin' sleepies, and can't talk any more. Bye, bye, popper !" "Bye, bye, totkins !"

A Stunning Question Judge Duffy Nonplussed. A. CASE came up in court over which Judge Duffy presides in which a big colored woman was a witness. She testified that she had whipped her boy very severely, and as she went on with the The sofa is a springy one. and Van Skipp gives up his story of the exceedingly stiff beat- seat more suddenly than he expected. ing she had administered, the Judge's clear brow grew a little darker, and he interrupted her to ask if it had been Wasn't Growing Old Q-racefully. necessary to chastise the boy so severely. at the HE stuttered terribly, and one day he be- The colored lady looked astonished at the she gan to tell a story, prefacing it by saying question. Gazing intently court, that it was "im-m-ense." inquired : He kept at it for a long while, but succeed- "Jedge, was you ever the father of a in wuthless mulatter ?" getting only a little ways along in it, and boy at last a country customer from Wayback "No, no, "said the Judge hastily." rang: the bell. "Then, Jedge, you don't know nuffin' Centre," W-w-what you r-r-r-ringing your d-:l- about de case." darned old b b-b-bell f-for? I t t-teU " you this s-s st-story's a b-b-brand new one! A LOCOMOTIVE does not receive much news- ' ' " ' ' " but it a Perhaps it was when you began it, re- paper notice, gets great many puffs, plied his tormentor. nevertheless.

FUNNY. Although a hen may lay one egg Why does a man call his sweetheart honey? every twenty-four hours, it is said a ship can ' " Because she is his bee-loved. lay-to in the same space of time. 38 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKtis.

" Keeping his End Up. 'Nath,' she said, puttin' her hand mighty lovin'ly on my arm. Tmyourn.' Then I jumped up, popped my heels together, an 'in less'n a half hour we was done married an' a-lookin' at the monkeys. That's the way I won' that jewel, governor." Arkansaw Trav- eler

Talk About Slow Trains.

' ' I want to go to bed, so give me a room as soon as you can. I ought to have reached the city early this afternoon, and here it is 11 o'clock." " "What made you so late? asked a Girard House clerk, as he threw down a key to which was attached a rough-edged brass tag about the size of a buckwheat cake. ' ' Oh, slow trains ! Slow trains ! They seem to stop and at all the little cross- " everywhere How He "Won the Jewel- roads. " "That's queer." are I ' ' NATHAN, you married, understand/' I should say it was. Why, at one place said the Governor of Tennessee, addressing a they stopped about seven minutes, while half hillside constituent. a dozen people came out of the only house to "Yes, sir, captured the best- looking girl in be seen in the neighborhood and boarded the the whole community. Old Lige Peterson's train. Did you ever hear of anything like daughter, Rose. You knowed her, I reckon." it?" "Yes, but I thought that she was engaged "Never." !to Parker." " Sam I have," said a little old man with long, "She but I ahead of him. Tell was, got shaggy hair, who had overheard the conver- you how it was. She loved Sam powerful, sation while searching the Philadelphia direc- for he is the best circuit rider we have ever tory for the name of a Boston firm. met. I loved Rose and was mightly down- "You have?" for I thar wa'nt no use buckin' cast, thought "Yes; you may not believe it, but it's a agin him. Well, the day for the marriage fact. Some years ago I used to travel on the a of to was set, and passul us come see the Old Colony Railroad, up in Massachusetts. for Rose 'lowed that wanted to weddin', she There was a place called Wheat Sheaf Lane, be married in town, and then take the cars where the train stopped nearly every day for for home, thereby getting a ten-mile bridal an old woman, who was always there to send tower. we to town lo and be- When got up some eggs into town. Now, would you be- there a with mo' horses hold, was circus, lieve it? One day the train stopped as usual than a could at. strong man shake a pole for Aunt Betsey, who was there with her Rose was keen to to the mighty go show, eggs, but she only had eleven. She said an but Sam says, says he, 'Rose, you know old hen was still on the nest, and she wanted it's agin my religion, an' therefo' we can't the train to wait until she could make up the ' go. Stay here till I go an' git the license. dozen." Rose's under jaw drapped. When Sam was "Yes?" ' gone I says, I, Rose, wouldn't like if says " you "Well, I'll be darned that train didn't to go to that show? wait while the hen laid the extra ' egg." Yes, but Sam won't take me.' The late arrival said he he would " ' guessed That's bad, Rose, for they've got a world to the bediamoned hotel clerk swooned ' go bed, of hosses. and the little old man walked down into the she "Then tuned up and began to cry. corridor and dropped wearily into a chair. 'Rose, 'says I 'if you marry Samyou'kan't to the show that's if go ; certain, but you marry me I'll take you.' She studied awhile ' A Job on the and says, says she, an' let me stay to the Dog- concert airter the big show's over? ' A POLICEMAN who saw a number of lads '"Yes." collected in the alley near the Moffat block ' " An' let me look at the monkeys all I yesterday, swooped down on them, and de- want to?" manded an explanation. "'TibbyshoV ' ' That boy there's bin bit by a dog on Con- " * An' won't pull an' haul me aroun' when gress street," replied the oldest. ' " I get interested ? Has, eh ?" ' ' sw'ar I won't. ' 'n I'm to rub Paris on No, "Yes ; going green ' ' ' An' when the show's all over will you my legs, and go down there and let the dog ' let me look at the monkeys again? bite me and get pizened to death !" continu- "'Yes.' ed the bov. The officer did not interfere. NEIV YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 39

A Cool Reception.

8" As I was saving, etc., etc., etc." (For forty-five minutes longer !) " irate Father That younar feller has been going tag over an hour. I guess I'll hurry him a little." Shoot Him On The Spot. I have been a raving lunatic for a week, writes a young Chicagoan, and my wife is ' ' sick in bed, all because of a party of for- feits ' at our house one evening a week ago, we compelled a young man to pay his forfeit by repeating a verse of poetry. But I don't think he will repeat it any more. Here it is: "Antony an Cleopatra stood on the burning deck; Their feet were fall of blisters, She put her arms around his neck, While a Kyrle Bellew through his whiskers. We dropped him out the second-story window as quickly as possible; my wife went into hysterics and the guests left, some without their wraps and hats. Please answer if I can't sue that young man for damages or get even if possible with him in some way, or is there any legal punishment for such a case?

True. LADY: 'What! left your situation so soon, Maria?" MARIA: "Yes, mum, I couldn't stay no longer." LADY: "Why, Maria?" MARIA: "Well ye see, mum, my mistress wouldn't let me 'ave my young gentleman to to dinner, an' they do say that the only way it's Charlie!" " 2_"Why, raining, 'art is his stomach? "So it is." a man's through 40 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

An Innocent Drummer, After a while his face cleared. ' ' HE bade his wife a tearful goodby. By Jove ! I must have been piling on "My love, my only one! The time will taffy. That's what a man gets for trying to I shall in soon be here when be a position to make a woman feel good ! Poor little dear, snap my fingers at fate and set up as my own what a fume she must be in ! Lucky for me boss. Then we shall have no more of these she gave her grievance away. What geese

cruel "And will be true to me?'' women are ! Bless her little her faith " partings." you noddle, As I always am," he responded. shall be ressurected." "You did not forget to put that photo you Forthwith he telegraphed to a knowing ' had especially taken for me in my gripsack,' friend : did you?" "Send me, first mail, photo of my wife. "Oh, dear, no! Are sure will borrow, steal it somehow. Mum's the you" you Beg, look at it sometimes, love? word. Will write particulars." ' ' You wicked little doubter : you know I About a week later a drummer, in dignified should be wretched without at least such a martyrdom, stood face to face with a stern precious semblance of my pet to look at but very wept-out wife. daily, nightly.'' She expected to see him meek and humble Draw the veil of charity over his grief and but he gazed upon her with scorn, and then the treachery of one in whom he had un- passed into his room in crushing silence. bounded confidence. She was amazed, With quick impulse she In brief, she, his only love, his pet, his followed, thanking heaven he had. not locked wife, had planned to make him her out. secretly " " "wretched." She had taken that Well! she began, with cour- photograph " wavering " from his gripsack, and was gloatiag over his age, What have you to say for yourself? misery when he should discover that only Coldly, cruelly he looked at her. memory remained to him, for the time being "I?" he queried. of his looks. 1 " " darling's "Yes, you The dear fellow, how he will scold me for "Woman, if it were not for .the over- mas- the trick," she thought; "but I will send love I bear you, I should never tering " never, him the photo in the very first letter." Thus look upon you more ! appeasing her conscience she waited for his His face was convulsed with tragic suffer- first letter. It came from Chicago. ing that was balm to her heart to witness but "My heart's delight." it began. "Got she only sneered. here 0. K. this A. M. Have been ' ' Can the tried wrestling you explain" deception you with the trade all day, and a tough time I've to practice on me? had of it! Weary and fagged, I have retired "Can you obliterate the insult put upon to my room, shut the gilded atmosphere of your husband in that unwomanly despatch ? sin that envelopes this terrible city, and taken A woman with so little confidence in her from my satchel your sweet picture. It is husband had better live alone For my part, before me as I write. I shall kiss it when I I am not only disgusted but disenchanted." have said my evening prayers. It will rest He turned sorrowfully away and bowed his under my pillow. It is my own solace until face in h's hands. She approached him and I hold you, my sweet wife, in these faithful laid the letter, which had caused her such arms again." grief, right under his eyes. Thus far had she read, then she toppled "Read that. had no Knowing you " picture over on the floor. of mine, what was I to think? What comfort she found there it is hard to "What any intelligent, right-minded wife but a determination rose with the would say ; great should have thought ; you have said stricken wife, who went out an hour later to yourself: 'He is incapable of deceit; he and sought a telegraph office. has my picture, anyhow.'" ' ' " Her husband had been saying his prayers But you did not have it. abroad that evening, and when he got to his He looked at her with sad, resigned sorrow. his ' " hotel aboufc midnight spiritual emotions Oh. woman ! without an atom of faith ! received a rude shock by a telegram from his Than he his hand in his and " " put pocket pro- love. It for a was elaborate despatch ; duced the only " photograph. but under the circumstances one could not Oh ! Darling ! Forgive me ! You had my expect an outraged wife to transmit her feel- picture ! The old thing taken before we were ings by the slow mail. The despatch read : engaged ! Why I didn't know you ever had ' 'You are no longer the only drummer who one of these?" is not a liar, as you have always claimed, The restored confidence made her pretty Let the fraternity make you their chief in blue eyes swim in tearful joy. She put her the art. Had you taken the pains even to arms around him, asking his pardon, caress- look for his coat the photo you say your prayers to, ing even collar, you would have discovered that I had to "My dear," said he, looking into her face tease you removed it. My faith in you is with grave but loving reproach, "let this be dead, dead!" a warning. Never doubt me again, no mat- The husband clutched his hair. ter what appearances may be. I can always "What the devil did I write to her look in the eyes and say, I am any- you squarely" way?" he muttered. innocent.' And she believed him. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

He Knew His Lesson. An Indoor Athlete. FREDERICK of Prussia had a great mania for enlisting gigantic soldiers into the Koyal Guards, and paid an enormous bounty to his recruiting officers for getting them. One day the recruiting sergeant chanced to espy a Hibernian who was at least seven feet high. He accosted him in English and proposed that he should enlist. The idea of a military life and a large bounty so delighted Patrick that he at once consented. ' ' But unless you can speak German the King will not give you so much." "O, be jabers," said the Irishman, "sure f " it s 1 that don't know a word of German. "But," said the Sergeant, "and these you can learn in a short time. The King " knows every man in the Guards. As soon Miss COTA ABMS You take great interest in out- will ride door I Mr. as he sees you he up and ask you sports, "believe, Zing.?" are will ' MB. ZING No-o-o, I can hardly say that I do." how old you ; you say twenty-sev- " Miss COTA AKMS I was told some en' how have been in the ser- Well, now, by ; next, long you one that were a ' you quite counter jumper. I pre- vice must three weeks' ; you reply, ; finally, sume he must have oeen mistaken." if are with clothes and rations you provided ; you answer, 'both.' Pat soon learned to his pronounce answers, A Fond Baltimore Farewell. but never dreamed of learning the questions. In three weeks he appeared before the King THEY had come into the hall late Sunday in review. His Majesty rode up to him. evening, after he had made a more than usu- Paddy stepped forward with "present arms." ally protracted call. ' How old are you ?" said the King. The light was dim and romantic in the ' Three weeks," said the Irishman. richly furnished entry-way, the maiden whom, ' How long have you been in the service ?" he loved as he loved his life looked doubly asked His Majesty. fascinating, and Young Loverly found it ex- ' difficult to himself Twenty-seven years." ceedingly" drag away. 'Am I or a fool ?" roared the Good bye," he said at length. you King. '' ' " Both, replied Patrick, who was instant- Good-bye," she repeated, though she had ly taken to the guardroom, but pardoned by remarked the same thing some seven times the King after he understood the facts of the before. case. ''Good-bye," he said again, with a great hesitation. " she She Reconsidered. " Good-bye," whispered softly. I have one final kiss?" he SAYSIT ANYHOWE : Mabel, will you marry May pleaded. He and did but still he me? might ; lingered. he with a sudden (Mabel in a sisterly tone of voice) : Oh, Mr. "Why," queried, inspir- "is our final kiss like a duodecimo?" Anyhowe, don't ask me ! It pains me so to ation, "I it the maiden after refuse you. give up," said, a moment of but Saysit Anyhowe : There, there, dear, deep hopless cogitation. my he answered don't let it cause you any distress. I only "Because," triumphantly, "it means 12mo." did it on a bet, And on that basis was Puck. Mabel (in staccato accents) : Yes ! I will ! interpreted.

Blood Will Tell. The First Joker. LADY (as a blood-curdling war-whoop is heard from the kitchen) : What is happening, Whatever troubles Adam had, Walters ? No man could make him sore saying when he told a MAID: That is Dinah. She By" jest, always yells I've heard that joke before." that way, ma'am, when she succeeds in turn- Baltimore American. ing the omelette without letting it drop on the floor. She's the daughter of a Zulu chief. "MY goodness! How shocking!" exclaim- Woman. ed Mrs. Slowback, who has been perusing the ' ' " "WOMAN, my boy," said a parent to his morning paper. What's the trouble, ask- son, "are a delusion and a snare." "It ed Mr. S. with a start. here is an " "Why, is queer, murmured the boy, "people will account of where two actors who had been hug a delusion." And while the old man performing in Chicago with the Hardly Able looked queerly at him, the young man hunt- Comedy Company were ' roasted by the ' ' ed up his roller-skates and went out to be dramatic editor of the Daily Ripper ! Mr. snared. S. faints. 42 NEW YAItNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

His Hat- A Gentleman In Disguise. A BOT threw his hat on the floor, And was told ho must do so 110 more; But he did it a^ain, And his lond mother then Vsfd her slipper until ho was sore.

The boy then looked up askance, And his mother cast down a mad " glance; Do know said " you now," she, Where your hat ought to be?" " " "Yes," he answered, inside of my pants.

A Bit Of Cord. "MY dear," said young Mrs, Jardine to her husband the other morning, "would you mind running into Plush ancT Sattins and getting me a half yard more of chenille cord like this sample? It won't take but a moment, and I'm so anxious to finish this cushion to- night." So Jardine, giving himself five minutes ' extra time to catch his homeward train, 'runs in " to the- two-and-a-half acre establishment of Plush and Sattins that evening, and asks the first salesduchess he meets, " " Have you chenile cord like this? ' ' " Fourth counter to the left, without COUNTRYMAN (visiting a Boston dime-museum) " that for an instant her diet. Just see queer fellow with uo pants on to him ! interrupting gum What sort of an do call mister?" "Have cord like this?" asks Jardine Injin you yourself, you BARNEY O'ROURKE, THE PAPUAN CHIEF (Insulted) at the foarth counter. "No pants, indade, ye ould hayseed! It's only "Next counter." Gents as wear pants, and I'll have ye know that Ol'iij "I would like half a of chenille cord a Gintleman." yard" like this," he says at the next counter." "You'll find it on the floor above, in the She Caught Him. Take elevator to upholstery department; EX-GOVERNOR CORNELL of New York tells left." your a at his own expense, the doesn't wait for the but good story says He elevator, goes New Haven "Palladium." It seems that the stairs, and blunders galloping up wildly when in office at Albany he would sometimes around till he finds the upholstery depart- return home late at night, after his wife had ment. when she asked him what time ' ' retired, and Half a yard of fringe like this, as quick " it was, would answer: "About 12, or a little as ' you can, please. after midnight. "You '11 find it downstairs in the fancy " One evening, instead of making the inquiry, goods department. she said: "Alonzo, I wish you would with set stop Downstairs goes Jardine; teeth, I for its that clock, ; cannot sleep noise," his breath coming in short, quick gasps. " He stopped the pendulum. In the morn- "Where's the fancy goods department? ing, while dressing, Mrs. Cornell inquired he asks in deep bass tones of a floor-walker. ' ' artlessly : Oh, by the way, what time did "Four counters to the left wall counter." " you get home?" I want a half of like yard fringe "About midnight." "You'll have to to the worsteds counter " go Alonzo, look at that clock!" for it third counter to left from main en- " The hands of the clock pointed to 2 :30. The trance. Governor was crushed. Pale and panting, with a steely, murderous gleam in the usually laughing eyes, Jardine appears at the worsteds counter. A Pointed Moral. "Half a of cord like he yard that," says "WE should never complain, whatever fiercely." befall us," said the minister. "The cord like Miss asks may Have you this, Miggs?" moment we dissatisfied we become un- the of a in grow saleslady languidly, partner iniqu- happy." who drawls out : " ity," Do you really think so?" she sighed. I sold the last of it this minute. " Naw, just Yes'" returned the good man; "the first He find it downstairs, in the might woman who complained of her Lot was But Jardine is tearing the streets, through turned into a pillar of salt." gnashing his teeth as he runs, hoping to catch a train that is already half a mile from the doesn't for WHY ! Policeman How does club the station ; and next one go my 45 minutes. Puck. strike you ? Vagrant It's just stunning. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 43

A Tongh Test, thing. He takes it so hard, too." "What are you doing for the the weaning?" The woman looked at him for a moment, and then, thinking that probably the dude was honest and innocent, said : "Why, I have been using bitter aloeaand and a little soot." The dude thought he was getting along nicely, but thought he would make himself more solid by taking a still deeper interest in the child, so he hazarded another question. "Aha, where do you use them." The question was his last. A child was dropped hastily on the floor, and a raised wash-board banged down on the head of the dude, and in about a second the neighbors thought they saw a pair of compasses flying up the street. He is at his boarding-house in " " but so bewildered is he that MBS NAGGERS Do yo call yourself sober? bed, MB. NAGGERS "Shertainly, my love." he hasn't yet mustered up cour- ' MKS. NAGGEES -" Oklahoma is a rural " Well, you just say truly age enough to ask some married country.' " ' man what the woman got mad at. MR. NAGGEKS Oglyhhumeza tooral looral J.oo ! Shay Bezzer gidder rooster hie ! ter shay zat for y' in ther mornin'." She "Wanted to be a Christian. A VERY thin woman had felt the power of A Dude "Who "Was not Posted on "Wean- the Spirit, and had been converted ; and she ing Infants. appeared before the session to pass the preliminary examination. THERE is a real dude in Evansville who is " noted for the immaculate whiteness of his Have you experienced a change of heart?** asked the elder linen (but is not noted for paying his bills). gently. sir I believe I have." His bosom friends can't understand how he "Yes, ; "And want to live a new life ?" manages to get his washing done, but he has you "Yes I I do." given them to understand that he is very sir; hope solid" with his washerwoman on account "Are you willing to renounce the world, the flesh and the devil ?" of his being such a smooth talker. "Do I have to do that ?" Next week his linen will not look so well, " Certainly, if you wish to be a consistent and the reason is this : He went yesterday Christian." to his washerwoman, who, by the way, is an "Can I two of them, and still honest, modest, hard-working woman, to get give up" go his stock of collars and cuffs for next week. into the Church ' ' No the renunciation must be " He walked in and stood his ; complete. sucking cane, ' must excuse me. I want for a moment, wondering what kind of a line 'Well, then, you to be a Christian : I want to the of conversation to start in order to put her give up world and the devil but if a as in such a good humor that she would let him ; woman, thin already as I am, has to give up take his duds without paying. Noticing a any more flesh, she might as well give up want- baby crying and tossing around on her lap, ing to be a Christian, and go and join a side- he thought he would indulge in a little taffy. ; " show as the American skele- That's a fine child have there. (He great only living you ton. Gentlemen have to excuse don't know as much about children as a you me, I to the want join Church ; but I'm not buck-saw does.) pre- to a side-show this summer." "Yes, he is a fine boy." pared join ' ' He don't seem well " very to-day. (He A Clincher. guessed at this, because the child was so fretful.) OUTRAGED IRISHMAN: "Gintlemin, I wud " No, poor little fellow. He's awful fretful. loike to ashk thim Amerikins wan thing; I'm just weaning him to-day, and it's hard Who doogthe canals uv the coontry but furrin- on him." ers? Who built the railruds uv the coontry "Yes, awful hard on a child," murmured but furriners? Who wurruks the mines uv the the dude, who, by the way, hadn't the least coontry but furriners? Who does the votin' idea what is ever wean- fur the weaning ; "have you the coontry but furriners? And who ed him before ?" divil the but - dischoovered country furriners? "Oh, no : this is the first day, poor little Li <-,>. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. Found. Lost And "I'm so sorry, she said, "but I really can't dance more If I did it would With the coming of Easter only a very few any to-night. be to well, I'm afraid I should lose some of of the soiourners at Gray Beach returned to adniii ers at least." town ana the of the hotel, in my" proprietor ap- You have lost Mr. of the esteem thus accorded his something," Lightfoot preciation with the tone of a man who during the following suggested, might establishment, gave be one's week a hop for the benefit of the young folk reading destiny. Miss Plumleigh's face crimsoned. who had so abstained from danc- " religiously "You she and then she the forty days of the Lenton you began; ing during hesitated. "I znean you of course you period. didn't find it." It was at this that Mr. Arthur Light- hop "Ah! but I did," returned the young man, the floor a half- ' foot chanced to pick up from ' I did find it, and I came here to bring it to filled dance programme. From the names you." inscribed thereon it was very evident that it "But how did know it was mine?" to a and it was with a fixed you belonged lady "Instinct told me, "I determination to find out which of the many "replied Lightfoot. was sure it could Belong to no one else. No fair present was the loser that the young girls one of the young women on the floor to-night man started on a tour about the room. " could half-filled it but you. Ten, fifteen, twenty minutes elapsed and "Mr. Lightfoot!" exclaimed Miss Plump- he was just as far from success as when he leigh, and there was of started. something indignation in her voice. "Ah!" he exclaimed under his breath, " "I'm afraid," the lucky finder went on, how of me ! To avoid embarrassing stupil "I'm afraid you didn't have it any too well mistake I she has sought some nook presume fastened. In one is of the inclosed And he made his dancing, you know, apt piazza." to them unless one has them secure- in the direction the drop way thought suggested. ly-" Though the moon shone brightly enough, ' "Mr. Lightfoot ! Miss Plumpleigh protest- there was a semi-gloom outside that was in- ed again. in Mr. Lightfoot's eyes, by the sud- tensified, "Indeed, what I tell you is the truth," the den transition from the brilliantly lighted " youth went on. Now let me adjust it this ball-room. time and " Nevertheless, his hearing was not affected Miss Plumpleigh arose, and turning one and he had taken scarcely half a dozen steps withering glance of scorn and disdain upon before he overheard voices apparently just the man who still retained his seat around the corner of the house. young by her now fled. know," a man empty chair, "But you promised me, you "What can be the matter with her?" he was did. This is our saying, "you really asked as he and started leis- waltz." himself, got up urely after her. "One might think that I And then he heard, musically feminine : " " had offered her an insult. But all excuse won't I you me, you? As he was about to enter the ball-room he can't on the floor it would really go again; met Montie Undergrad coming out. be-" ' 'See, what a jolly find !" Montie whispered. Mr. thought the last word was " Lightfoot "I picked it up on the floor. Have you any but he was not quite sure. embarrassing." idea to whom it belongs, old man ?" " as I he said to him- Precisely expected," Mr. Arthur took from the little dear rather than the Lightfoot self; "the girl, give fellow's hand the article that he tendered. man a dance in the wrong place, has wrong " It was a yellow silk garter with gold and determined not to dance at all. jeweled clasps. Then he listened again. It was evident the "I have a very distinct idea, "he said in was irritated. He was saying gentleman reply, "but I cannot compromise the lady by something about his execrable dancing and " telling you her name. accusing the lady, in language more or less polite, with refusing for that reason, The next moment little Montie Undergrad THE daughter was to be married came in a and into publisher's flirting by pet disappeared in three months, and was busy embroidering the house. a pink dove on the corner of some linen. Now was Mr. Lightfoot's chance. "What are out now dear?" His had become accustomed to the you getting my eyes asked the publisher, looking up from his desk. dull and as he turned the corner of the " light "Advance sheets, papa dear, answered the he, without whatever, piazza, any difficulty maiden plying her needle with a piquant in the well- in the recognized wrapped figure zest. steamer chair the belle of the hotel, Miss Plumpleigh. " CHOLLY Irishman bell at What are you doing out here?" he asked, (to ringing fog as he took the seat beside her that Mr. the ferry landing) "Aw my man, why is " this bell Irishman "Can't Undergrad had just vacated; you are robb- ringing?" you It's becase Oi'm th' ing the hop of its chief charm." see, you phool. pullin' Miss Plumpleigh smiled a mischievous smile. r-r-rope?" NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 45

Nicely Said.

" Why hello, Charlie ! I hear you've been under the weather? * UOTLITZE- (a distinguished amateur acter) "Yes Sof tley, I have had a deuced hard time of it." ao*TLEY Well, you don't show it, old fellow. You look quite like yourself now." The Meaning of the Word Total- How She Kept Her Age. "WHAT am de 1 meanin ob de word total, Miss BETSY was a remarkably young and Gacle Rastus; does it mean to tote all vou handsome looking woman for her years, and cun?" she never told anybody how old she was. "No, sah," replied Uncle Rastus, as he "Gracious me, Miss Betsy," said an old ejected a mouthful of tobacco at a one juice fly ; acquaintance, admiringly day, "how "you's dis time, chile." well " wrong " you keep your age. "Well, den, what am de meanin' ob it ? Thanks," she replied with a smile. " "Well, sah, it jist means all." "How do you manage to do it? ' " 'Well, den, what am de tote put dar for ?" Oh, easy enough; I never give it away." "Well, sah, "said Uncle " Rastus, trying to look wise, de framers ob de declaration put Bankrupt. de tote in dar to make de all show big, jis He was taking her home, after the theatre like de grocer puts de big taters on de top ob and a little supper at Delmonico's. de measure." "Darling," said he suddenly, as he gazed Uncle dat "Well, Rastus, may be all dreamily up at the silvery disk overhead, but I don't de right, git idee 'zactly," "why am I like the moon ?" I'll "Well, sah, expostulate mo' fully. Dar "It isn't because is it?" she was wunst a you're full, Mormon dat had an old wife asked, as she edged away from him. and a young wife. De wife would said he young "No," sadly ; "it's because I'm on his ha'rs out pull gray to make him look my last quarter." young, and de ole wife pulled his black ha'rs out to make him look old till he had no mo' AH ! Sometimes the lover who is fired with ha'r dan a curbstone. Dat was total." passion for the daughter is put out by the "Fse Uncle Rastus." tumbled, father. Pittsburgh Dispatch. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

That Pretty Voung Girl. the time, while a rumor rapidly went through the congregation to the effect that a telegram had just arrived proving that the groom had four wives living in the East already. "I I can't reach it," groaned the half- ' ' " married man in agony. It won't come. "Sit down and take your boot off, you fool," hissed the bride's mother, while the bride herself moaned piteously, and wrung her powdered hands. There was nothing left, so the sufferer sat down on the floor, and began to wrestle with his boot, which was naturally new and tight, while a fresh rumor got under way to the effect that the groom was beastly tight, and insisted on parin^his corns. As the boot came finally off, its crushed wearer endeavored, unsuccessfully, to hide a his trade-dollar hole in the heel of stocking ; noticing which, the parson, who was a humorous sort of sky-contractor, said grimly: "You seem to be getting married just in time, my young friend." And the ceremony proceeded with the party of the first part standing on one leg, trying to hide his well-ventilated foot under A Boston man looked at the face of a Chicago the tail of his coat, and appropriately mut- girl, and fell in love with her. " Darn it 1" at short intervals. He looked at her feet, and fell out again, tering

" Darn It !" Urn! THEY had a terrible time at a wedding up I gave my girl an onyx ring at Petaluma the other and Which filled her with delight. day, which only- to show how the smallest drawback She looked upon it wondering, goes Her eyes with radiance bright. will sometime take the stiffening out of the " It's a said " charming gift," she, swellest occasion. The gem is well selected, It seems that the ceremony was a very Not only is it fair to see But also onyx-pected." grand affair, indeed. There were eight brides- maids, and the church was crowded from pit to dome, as the dramatic critics would say. Had to Swim for it But, when they got to the proper place in the ceremony, and the groom began feeling There was a fashionable undertaker a few around for the ring, he discovered that it years ago who gave a tearful experience he wasn't on hand. After the minister had had with an Irish assistant upon one occa- scowled on the miserable wretch for a while, sion, which so disturbed his soul that it had the latter detected that the magic circlet something to do with his early death. had slipped through a hole in his pocket and Shortly after his engagement of this assistant, worked down into his boot. He communi- the undertaker thought it well to give him a cated the terrible fact in a whisper to the practical lesson in the business, and he de- bride, who turned deadly pale, and was only tailed him to the care of a Hebrew funeral. kept from fainting by the reflection that Upon bis return from the event the under- they would inevitably cut the strings of her taker, with considerable interest, asked how satin corsage in case she did. it went, don't answered the Irishman "Why you produce the ring ?" whis- "Foine, foine," ; the bride's brother, and "but those Jews are quare people, surely." pered big hoarsely, " feeling for his pistol, under the impression In what way are they queer ?" asked the that the miserable man was about to back undertaker. out. "Well, don't you see, when the corpse was "I can't. It's in my boot," exclaimed the in the coffin, some old fellow came up and groom under his breath, his very hair, mean- put a half dollar in its hand. Now, what while, turning red with mortification. was that for, I dunno ?" "Try and fish it put, somehow hurry "Oh, that," replied the undertaker, "was up !" mumbled the minister behind his book. on account of a tradition the Hebrews have "I'll try," gasped the victim, who was about crossing the River Jordqn before they rather stout is to their ; and he put one foot on the reach heaven, and the money pay chancel rail, pulled his trousers and be- leg, ferriage."" gan making spasmodic jabs for the ring with Well ! is that so ! Then, bedad, this his forefinger. The minister motioned to the duck will have to shwim, for I swiped the organist to squeeze out a few notes to fill in fifty befo' they screwed down the lid." NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 47

Catching A Sucker. Parliamentary Inquiry. One of the best incidents of the Judge, Tim Campell's career in Congress occurred just after the violent debate in the Senate between Senator and Voorhees. The " Ipgalls " words Infernal liar," "dirty dog," villian- ous scoundrel," and other epithets were freely used. Two days afterward Judge Campbell was called out of the House by an importu- nate constituent. On his return he entered through the main door. A violent spat between two members was in progress. The Judge was half way down the aisle when the ' ' " word liar was used. Throwing both hands aloft, he shouted in a shrill falsetto voice: "Mr. Speaker, Parliamentary inquiry." The Speaker rapped with his gavel and ' ' said : The gentleman rises to a parliamentary inquiry. He will state it." ' ' Is this the . United States Senate chamber ?" Mr. Campbell screamed. ' ' The House broke into a loud guffaw and the laughter continued for a minute or more. It broke up the row between the irate Eepre- " who went to their seats L A little pepper will do him good." sentatives, before'the merriment subsided. No Faith In Gas Meters. In a suit at law brought to recover payment of a a witness for the was gas bill," plaintiff asked: On what evidence do you conclude that sixteen thousand seven hundred and forty feet of gas had been burned during the month the defendant?" " by On the evidence of the gas meter," was the answer.

At which the exclaimed : " Judge impulsively I wouldn't believe a gas meter under oath !"

EVERYTHING is faster in this country. In England they say that a man stands for Par- liament. In this country they say he runs for Congress.

III. "Help! Murder! I'm poisoned!"

Different Nationalities- Jr. JUDGE CAMPBELL, Nicholas Muller, , and a mutual acquaintance were standing on the steps of the Astor House picking their teeth when a squad of immigrants came up Broad- way. They were strong, flaxen-haired fellows, with weather-beaten faces, and over- laden with luggage. The mutual acquaintance said : "I wonder what country they came from." Nicholas Muller, Jr., who is an expert in such matters, replied: "They are Nor- wegians." broke in " 'H)h, no," Judge Campbell, you're off there. They are Swedenborgiazis. II. "Something's going to happen pretty soon. I can tell them by their clothes." 48 NEW YARNS AND FUNSY JOKES.

Too Much for Her. boy I had for six weeks didn't leave a whole piece of furniture in the house. He poisoned our splendid old Maltese cat the second day; he killed my Ply- mouth Rock rooster the next day; he broke nine of the piano keys and scratched his name on each of the four legs with a nail. He broke our pier- tore all glass with a tack hammer ; the engravings out of ten costly books; tied my mother-in-law's wig on the dog's head and turned him loose. Then he took her teeth and fixed them so that he could work them with a string, and carry them off to school, where he traded them for four glass marbles. He set fire to the barn twice and tried to paint all the white parts of my house red. He broke or tore or smashed ten " something every SERVANT Yis, sorr, Mrs. Jones is in, what's | " minutes. He insulted everybody who came to yer name, sorr? the house. "He fought like a tiger when I tried VISITOR " Professor Vandersplinkenheimer." to take my revolver from him. I think he SERVANT" Och ! Sure ye'd better go right in, had two a for six and take it wid ye." fights day every day weeks, Next time I want to see anything xmfold itself I'll go off and get a half -grown hyena Bixby's Experiment. and turn it loose in the house, so that I can MR, and Mrs. had been married ten have some the unfolding pro- Bixby " peace during years and the blessing of children had been cess. denied them, a fact that caused them deep regret. Mrs. Bixby of ten said: "It must be sweet and interesting to witness the unfolding and development of the Teller Clay. infant mind." first of a "Ah, yes," said Bixby, "a child in the Here is the recorded instance "sat on." .Me said there home must indeed be 'a well spring of joy,' hotel clerk being the floor. a sort of perpetual poem." was one small, vacant room on fifth that would do. It was soon after making these speeches Bill Nye said that went to an and Still suspicious, he said the elevator was they" orphan asylum adopted little Jacky," an interesting youth not running. didn't care or that. could of about nine years. Nye said he He climb. They hurried home with their prize, eager The clerk had one more show to turn him to witness the unfolding of the juvenile mind. " it : have to in It began to unfold and develop before he out. He sprang You pay had been ten minutes in the house. Latent advance," he said. told in and unsuspected, as well as undesired ten- Nye said-that was all right, and was dencies began to manifest themselves in Bix- reply to his question that the tariff would by's "perpetual poem." be $2. 50. roll out a 100 Before a week Bixby had changed his mind Nye reached for a and threw $ that he about a child in the house being a "well bill. The clerk stammered, seeing had made the mistake so often fatal in this spring of joy." He said it was more like a Then he said he had no sink-hole of ," but Mrs. Bixby wouldn't country. change. back the bill and threw out let him say it all; she said it sounded too Nye pulled $100 to break that much like swearing. a $50. The clerk managed one, nature ex- At the end of six weeks Bixby transferred and as he did so, the lines of good his face and tickled the roots the boy and all his right to a ranch-owner out panded all over hair. He had been an West, who was on a hunt for "perpetual of his entertaining " at this auroral poems out of which he might make good angel unawares. Nye gazed cow-boys. display of humor on the clerk's face and said: Bixby thought Jacky was just the boy the " ranchman wanted. He had formed this You remind me of Clay," nature on opinion from the "unfolding" he had wit- The display of vanity and good would been worth a nessed of Jacky's young mind and the devel- the clerk's front have opment of six weeks. gocd price as an attraction in the window at In his losses afterwards that moment. summing up Bixby " said to a friend : Indeed," he said, "Henry Clay?" "I wouldn't have one of these things in "No,"' replied Nye-, "just the common the house again for five hundred dollars a every day, mean, yeller clay, out of which week, If I thought I'd ever have one of my they make bowls and platters in a country own now I'd go and take Rough on Rats,' pottery." and Mrs. Bixby would drown herself. That And then he sought his couch. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 49

Ripples- The Strange Case of Mr. Tweakle and his Strange Dis- "Ah, I say, old in Six Acts. chappie, did you call appearance on Miss DeSmith last week ?" " Yes, my deah had an boy ; awfully jolly time, dontcher- know. Miss DeSmith is such a delightful punster." "Tell me, old fellow, what did she say?" "By jove! vewy amusing, you know. She asked me this ' question : If a crazy optician by his antics made a spectacle of himself, what would two opticians in the same condition make?' I said I couldn't see 'bcott here comes Miss Browne and this is a through it, you know, Byjove! nice retired spot, her father. Now is the time for rn take a dis- and, haw! haw! she Plunge. appearing. said I ought, because they would make a pair of spectacles." The Easiest "Way the Best. A two hundred and fifty pound colored wpmar got into the Fifth avenue stage and insisted on riding for nothing. Expostula- tion did no good, so the driver called a policeman to put her out. " So you won't pay your fare?" said the at .policeman looking He there! those are not your clothes. foot. ! her from head to Ha I say there ! Well I'll be "No, I'll die first. should have giv- They " en me a transfer. How shall I ever get over this? ' "But I am obliged to put you out if you don't pay your fare," said the policeman, rolling up his sleeves. # "You jes' try it," said the old lady, with glaring eyes. The policeman took another look at the giantess, thought a moment, and then a quietly dropped " nickel in the box. I guess that is the easiest way to adjust this case," he said, as he went whistling along on his " 6 beat. [Em PER- Not a very suit but if I becoming" oh, " KINS. should meet any one ! See you later." 50 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

A Householder's Pride would make a fiend of me in a moment, and I should probably kill everybody in the car. I must have however." " blood, Perhaps you could buy him off?" I said, meaning it for a stab. "Yes, I might, but I guess he'd want more'n I've got." "Well, do you propose to sit here and let another man walk off with your wife?" "No! By the canopy of heaven, no? I demand his heart's blood. Let me think. He's purty solid, Isn't he?" "Yee." " Would probably fight?" "I think so." "Don't look as if he'd let go for $12?" "No." " Well, I must plan for a deep and lasting vengeance. Let me collect my thoughts." At this moment the woman turned and saw him and she at once arose and came back to the seat. He looked at her with open mouth, MBS. HOULIHAN (of Harlem)" Don't ye let me and she her at him and said : hear you spakin' to them OTooles again, Mary pointed finger Ann? Payple what have their own houses shouldn't 'Thomas Jefferson Bailey, you open your make so free wid thim as lives in a mere slolce av a yawp on this kyar and I'll make you wish flat?" you had never been born! At the next stop you git off or my feller will make your heels break neck. I've and left and He Wanted Blood, your gone you, that's all there is about it, and it 'tain't no THE man who is brave when, there is no use to bother us. Mind now or you'll hear danger is very numerous. The hero of the from me !" described the New And she went back to her and Thomas following" incident, by seat, York Sun," was one of this numerous class: Jefferson rode nine miles without another I had been riding in the same seat with a word, and as a stop was reached he dropped very plain sort of a man for the last twenty off as humbly as you please. He stood beside miles, when a couple boarded our car at a the open window until the train moved, and junction and he suddenly uttered a buss word then whispered to me : as long as my arm. I saw that he was ex- "I got off to collect my thoughts. Look cited by their advent and naturally inquired out for me when I turn loose for vengeance." if he knew them. 1 "Know 'em! tha ; woman is Why, my Rather too Smart wife !" he hissed. 'And who's the .man?" A St. Louis dry-goods house advertised for ' It's a feller she's eloping with." a "smart boy," and they got him. They ' They haven't seen you yet, and they are put him behind the counter. The following nicely caught. How long ago did she leave?" conversation passed between him and his first ' Three days. I'll have a terrible revenge." customer : 1 Are you armed?' CUSTOMER (picking up a pair of gloves) : ' I'm too when I'm armed, and What are these ?" dangerous " I left my revolver at home. SMART BOY : Gloves. ' ; Then down on the and : but what do you'll swoop man CUSTOMER Yes, yes ; you ask break him in two?" for them ?

I but I to : don't for "lorter, suppose, when begin SMART BOY We ask them at all ; swoop I don't know where to stop. I might customers do that. damage a dozen others. My revenge must be CUSTOMER: You don't understand me. How sweet and however." do come ? " terrible, they How do to do?" SMART Boy ; come in of " you propose Why they pairs, I dunno. How would do?" course. " you I should go for the man without delay." CUSTOMER: No, no! How high do they "Yes, that is the proper way, I suppose, come ? but if I get wild who's to hold me? I once SMART BOY : Just above the wrist, I believe. started in to lick a man, broke loose, and fin- CUSTOMER : But what do you get for them ? ally cleaned out a whole town I SMART BOY: Me? I don't for meeting." get nothing must take blood vengeance, however. them. Boss pockets all the money. "Perhaps if you would show yourself the CUSTOMER (losing patience: What is the man would slink off and the wife return to price of those gloves per pair ? your bosom," I suggested. SMART BOY : Oh, thats your lay, is itf If he "I dunno. would it would be all Why didn't you say so afore ! One dollar right, but suppose he tried to bluff me. That Exchange. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 51

Mean to the Last- Widow O'Brien's Toast.

Father Foley, parish priest in a New England fishing town, was a clergyman much beloved by his flock, and well liked by "the heretics, "likewise, for his genial manners and capital stories. His reverence, though, of course, a strict disciplinarian, went not a step further than the letter of the law allowed. He was far from ascetic in his religious devotion, being a jolly lover of good living, and by no means averse to a glass of "something hot," when paying a visit to a member of his parish. On one of the fast days a cold, bleak one, too Father Foley, on his way from a dis- tant visitation, dropped in to see Widow O'Brien, who was as jolly as himself, and equally as fond of the creature what is ing a death notice) "Poor Jim ! It says comforts, and, better, he left a wife and two children." well able to provide them. As it was MKS. O'FLYNN "Och, ye mi^rht know that, He was too about dinner-time, his reverence mean to iver take them anywhere wid him." thought he would stay and have a " " morsel with the old dame : but what was his horror to see served in a She Could Not up good style Why Comply. pair of splendid roast ducks ! ' musha ! Mistress what have THERE is a spicy story of a peevish old Oh, O'Brien, there !" he exclaimed, in sur- farmer who had married, a young wife, and, ye well-feigned being lately on his death-bed, with his dearest prise. beloved in was her direc- "Ducks, yer riverence." attendance, giving ' ' Ducks ! roast ducks ? and this a, f tions how to go on with the management of ast-day his estate after his decease after some of the holy Church !" ; when, ' ' Wisha ! I never of that ; but other she asked him : thought why " questions, As you have been so kind as to leave the can't we ate a bit of duck, yer riverence?" Because the Council of whole stock on this farm to me it is not to be "Why? Trint) won't have us that's supposed that I shall be long without a num- " why." now but I'm fur that, ber of suitors; pray, my dear, have you any Well, well, sorry fur I can a bite of bread and desire that I should marry any particular only give ye cheese and a of hot. Would person in preference to anothar, for it is my glass something intention to act to wishes?" that be any harruui, sir?" agreeably your ' ' Harrum ! no woman. Sure we "To which he very waspishly replied: by manner, must live and bread and cheese is "Marry? why, you may marry the devil if any way, like !" not forbid." you " Nather "Oh, my love," she replied, in a very ten- whiskey punch?" der tone, ' ' that can't be if re- "Natherthat." done, for, you ' ' Well, riverence, would it be collect, dear, it is not lawful to two thin, yer any my" marry brothers. America. harrum. fur me to give a toast?" "By no names, Mrs. O'Brien. Toast away as much as ye like, bedad !" "Well, thin, here's to the Council of Trint, She Was Modest. 1 fur if it keeps us from atiri it dosen't keep us 1 MR. JONES "I was thinking of going to from drinkin /" this better than the Howard to-night, Mary. Do you care to No one enjoyed story 0?" Father Foley himself, who never tired of tel- Mrs. Jones "What kind of an entertain- ling it. ment is it?" " Mr. Jones I What he did Know. "Variety, guess." Mrs. Jones Young women in short skirts, "Do you know," asked the temperance I worker of Old Burton, ' ' that drink of suppose." " every Mr. Jones Very likely." malt liquor drives a nail in your coffin?" Mrs. Jones "Well, I don't care to go. I "I don't know that; but I know it drives think it very indecorous for young women to an ale in me," he replied. appear on the stage in short skirts." Then Mrs. Jones went to her bureau and WHEN a Detroit policeman marries he is in took out of a little envelope her last season's a very short time confronted by a great prob- bathing suit and began to look it over to see lem of his life, viz. : Where to hide his clut if it needed any repairs. Boston Courrier. so that his wife can't find it. 52 XEIV YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

Flooring A Magistrate. The Boy, the Barrel, and the Cop. An amusing scene was recently enacted in ,a court-room in a small country town. The magistrate, a high, pompous official, with a voice like a trombone, took it upon himself i. to examine a witness, a little, withered old "What's this? Stolen whose face was as red and wrinkled as man, from 41 ? well, it goes a smoked herring. back, or I'll know th is name ?" asked the "What your justice. reason why." "Why, squire," said the astonished witness, you know my name as well as I know yourn." "Never you mind what I know, or what I don't know,' was the caution given with mag- ' ' isterial severity. I asked the question in my official capacity, and you are bound to answer it under oath." With a contemptuous snort the witness "You didn't bring it gave his name, and the questioning proceed- from 41, hey, Mr. 49 ? but ed. yer'll take it back just "Where do you live ?" the same." "Well, I declare !" ejaculated the old man. "Why," he continued, appealing to the laugh- *' ing listeners, I've lived in this town all my life, and so's he," pointing to the justice, "an to hear him think " go on, you'd Silence ! thundered the irate magistrate. "Answer question, or I'll fine you for in. my " " contempt of court. Alarmed by the threat, There'll be fun when the witness named his place of residence, and he see this. I wish Tom- the examination went on. my Jones was here to see "What is ?" your' occupation it." "Huh?" " What do you do for a living ?" ' ' Oh, get out, squire, Just as if you don't know that I tend gardens in the summer season an' sell coal in winters ?" ' 'As a citizen I do know but as rv. private it, " the court I know nothing about you, "ex- Who knows best claimed the perspiring justice. whether yer stole that "Well, squire," remarked the puzzled wit- from 49, me or you, 41 ? ' ness, 'if you know somethin' outside the court- This thing has got to be room an' don't know nothin' in it, you'd bet- stopped right here." ter get out an' let somebody try this case that's got some sense." The advice may have been well meant, but it cost the witness fifteen dollars.

v. Divorce in the Future- " Well, I'll be jiggered ! JUDGE "You say, madam, that the de- Here's one from 149. If fendant's language to you was of the most these people profane and abusive character ?" Plaintiff (choking with sobs) "Y-y-yes, sir. It was awful." Judge "I am very sorry, madam, but your testimony on that point is not sufficient. Have you no witnesses to corroborate you on this subject ?" VI. Plaintiff's Attorney "One moment, your Think 1 am going to honor. I am able to the reproduce exactly spend all my time hav- used to client the defendant language my by ing barrels returned on several occasions. turn the William, they are mistaken, that's crank of that phonograph." all." Phonograph"! ! ! ! ! 5!!!!" Judge "Give the plaintiff her decree." America. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 53

Dat Mule of Sin. kick up his hoofs an' went away fo' to fotch " the to show him whan he a IN de X, V, three I's ob two Samuel, an' debbel, dump load ob sinnahs fo' him. Dat mule ob sin is nine verses from de beginnin', I fin' dese re- libbin' ! ma'kable wo'ds : 'An' de mule dat was un- yit ' ' "Las' wintah was a all mind dah him went away. 'Who gwme to doubt yeah, you Richa'd William got in dis de troof ob de Scriptahs aftah dat ? Dat young religion Dat same he was ridin' was put down in writin' about de mule 'way sanctua'y. night home 'cross 'Possum Bottom an' de back in ole King Dabid's time mo' yeahs Ford, mule dat was undah him went an' left ago den all bruddahs an' sistahs kin ma'k away yo him sittin' dah. An' I hain't nebbah been down on bot'e sides ob a clapbo'd wid a bit ob able fo' to git dat young Richa'd Williams coal, in a week ; an' heah am dat very same neah to de watah to him kind ob mule libbin' to dis very day de very enough baptize since. Dat mule of sin is libbin shoo !" Ptick. mule dat was undah you an' gits away. Who yit, gwine to doubt de troof ob de Scriptahs aftah dat? ' 'An' da* very mule dat h'isted Absolem, ' an' went away an' lef him, jes' ez like ez not 'a libbin' yit.

" In a Shell. Dat mule ain't no bettah fo' bein' a Scrip- Nut tah mule. It was his own ohn'riness dat jes' When a wife tells her tipsy husband to took tree fo' him undah de limb ob a to to ' come straight upstairs to bed, she asks him scrape off. An' den de mule dat Absolpm do something impossible. was undah him went !' He went away away Sir Isaac Newton made money by seeing an jes' ez fast ez his 'u'd him, an' lef' legs cayah apple fall. Some women make money by Absolom hanging dah. young" keeping an apple stand. You bruddahs and sistahs is all ob you The man who dances pays the piper. So it ridin' some mule ob sin. You is settin'on is as well not to dance in these an' in carnal just days. sideways, straddle, security. Any man can marry comfortably if he has You is starin' all about at de vanity ob you sufficient money to procure a license. The vanities is holdin'^on to de eahs an' de ; you hitch comes when the knot is tied. tail. Some ob sistahs is sittin' you up behin', file their saws. de Orderly sages always wisp in your carnal security, huggin' bruddahs ; There can never be any objection to a cigar an' some ob you bruddahs is reachin' 'round manufacturer puffing his own goods. fcicklin' de sistahs an' dah on de ; you go Men who have horse sense know when to back ob dat mule ob sin, prancin' and dancin' an' cumfilootin. You ain't takin' no notice say neigh. ob how soon dat mule is gwine to h'ist you. You ain't taking no notice ob how soon dat "Will Stockton Sign Hen mule dat is undah you is goin' to went away from dah an' leab you. He's gwine to leab "That cook would make a good baseball you in a pile 'longside ob de road, to de deb- player." ble. He's to souse in de ob so?" gwine you mud ""Why perdition, er flam you into de fence co'ner of A fly got into the batter when she was the iniquity, er leab you sittin' straddle ob de serving the griddles, and way she caught rail ob wickedness. Den he'll leab out that from the batter was a sight to rush sha'p fly " a hee-hawnk, hee-hawnk, an' flop his tail, an' an umpire into an early grave. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

friend !" shouted the fellow, Thoroughly Disguised, " "My young will take a hand in a ?" " you game Ya-as, game is oncoumon plenty; all you want is -" ' ' Oh, go to the devil ! You're as deaf as a post !" and the man of cheek subsided, amid the of his " laughter companions. When was reached, "Old " Lanesborough Hayseed arose to depart, when he quietly handed his card to the commercial man, who sat glum in his seat, and in a particularly ' ' comical way, remarked : Young man, when you travel on your cheek, don't get hayseed in your eye. See ?" The young fellow glanced at the card. The superscription was "Josh Billings." Josh got off the train, and the ma'n of cheek had to find a seat in another car to escape " " the run on him by his companions.

Gallantry Rewarded. Billy Emerson, the minstrel, while attending a theatrical performance in London, says the N. Y. "World," saw a lady drop her programme from the box she occupied. "I picked it up," he goes on to relate, "and handed it to her. She was a great swell, I could see, and I noticed that she ' looked at me pretty hard. Hello,' thinks I, ' I guess I've made a mash.' I had on a bang- up suit and looked pretty natty. So I looked at with a sort of half MBS. LASHING-TON "Oh, it's you, Is it ? I thought my lady again eye. it was a Just then the curtain went down and she burglar." " MB. LTTSHINGTON No, dear, I ain't no burglar made a beckoning motion with her head. (hie) r~a a temperance lecturer in disguise." ' ' ' Aha ! I says to myself, I've made an impression on her Royals !' I leaned forward and I'll be smashed into if she didn't A Whist Player who caught a Tartar. pulp hand me a sixpence ! " ' The late Josh Billings was once on a pas- What's this for !' said I. ' ' ' senger train bound for his old home at Lanes- Ah, you were kind enough to hand me Mass. the several she said. borough, On train were my" programme,' commercial travelers, who, to while away Well, you can bet I was mad. " ' the time, proposed a game of whist. A fourth Excuse me, madam,' said I, putting the man was and a coin on the edge of the box, 'I am an wanted, gentleman sitting " near was requested to take a hand. American !' "No; I do not play. But there is an old fellow who is a him"- capital player; try Reformation Goes On. pointing to the "old fellow," who sat de- Bravely on the seat in front. "Have asked the murely" you any poll parrots," Good is he ?" said the commercial as she went into the bird store. player, elderly" lady, man. "Then we'll have some fun with old Yes. ma'am; here is one that is a beauty, Hayseed;" the farmer- and educated." and, accosting quiet, " highly like the whose cheek Does he does he swear ?" passenger, young man, " was his fortune, blandly said: My venera- "No ma'am; I would have recommended ble friend, we would like to have you take a you this one, only the old fellow is very hand in a of cards with to at times." game us, just profane" while away the time. Will you oblige us ?" How much is the the profane one ?" Looking the man in the face a ' ' ma'am, wouldn't take him !" young " Why you moment, "Old Hayseed answered, "Ya-as, I would. There are no men in the " "Yes, we'll be there in abaout three hours. house, and I think it would be such a Chris- "You don't understand, my friend; we tian act to reform him." want you to take a hand " "Ya-as, the stand o'corn is very good on- common handsome." CAREFUL MAN. Gamin (to street peddler)- "The commercial man was annoyed. Say, mister, are you really blind? "Speak a little louder," suggested the gen- Peddler No. I sell these cough drops for tleman in the seat behind; "he is somewhat my blind brother, who stays around the cor hard of hearing.'' ner to look out for cops. NEW YARNS AND -FUNNY JOKES.

The Rise of Silas Clapham, or the Romance of the Railroad Torpedo.

Not Incommoded at AIL The Elevator Boy's Turn to "Wink. The elevator was full as he on the The street-car gave a sudden lurch in got seventh and as he in he said to founding a curve, and the charming young floor, stepped the boy in an off-hand way, with a wink at frirl who was clinging to a strap nearly sat the other: "Does this train the bottom!'* down in the lap of the man with a fur-lined go the boy, giving the rope a overcoat who was sitting in the corner. "No," snapped" sudden it don't but the car does, and "I beg your pardon, sir," she exclaimed, jerk, it don't for water on the way, and no hastily. stop ain't going to be done on it between "Not at all, miss," he replied encourag- repairs ' ' " trips, and it never run away from me, and it nigly . Try it again. ain't too fast for such a slow crowd, and we don't issue no insurance to those who of policies Another kind Halo. ride on and there ain't no draft in the " it, A telephone girl always reminds me of a shaft, and say," as the car stopped on the pictured saint." ground floor and the -vould-be funny man "Why?" darted from the car and started for the street, " ' There is a continual hello' around her "if you come back here I'll tell the rest of head." your old jokes," and the elevator-boy winked. 56 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

Some Changes in Expressions. A Story as is a Story. The reader is expected to believe the following story in every particular: "When a young man, I was traveling in Western New York, and late of a stormy night applied at a log cabin for lodging. The occupant, a woman, refused it, saying her husband, and sons were out hunting, and if they found me there would murder me. I preferred the chance to the storm, and she consented that I might lie down before the fire. In the night I heard them coming, and scrambled up the chimney. Thinking I was safe when at the top, I stepped over the roof, and jumped down back of the cabin, struck plump into a wolf-trap. A scream of pain from me brought the man and boys out, and they declared I deserved a much more severe punishment than death, so they kept me both in the trap and suspense until morning, and then heading me up in a hogshead with no light or air but a bunghole they put me on a sled, drove me some four miles up a hill, and then rolled me off to starve. This I undoubtedly should have done, but for a very singular occurrence. The wolves smelt me out and gathered round my prison, when one of them in turning round happened to thrust his tail into the bunghole. It was my only chance. I caught a firm hold, and held on like death to a nigger, which frightened the wolf, of " 1 and he started down the hill ME. SOKEB (at the lecture}" There, Mandy ! course, followed by the hogshead and me. It was a very uneasy ride over the stones but I had no idea how it and stumps ; long It made a Difference. was, until the hogshead striking a stone the staves worn by long travel Some in a certain town in Con- fairly, years ago were broken in and I jumped out, and found necticut, there dwelt a minister who, Baptist myself way down the lower end of Cattarau- at the of which J. was without period speak, some thirty miles from the scene a church. In the same town there also dwelt gus county, of the disaster." a gentleman who was a strong Uniyersalist, and who so resembled the minister in closely A Conditional Offer. form and feature that he was often mistaken for that gentleman. One Saturday evening a A recent jury case in this city, m which good old deacon of one of the Baptist churches one juror agreed to vote for conviction if a recalls the of the town, in passing down one of the certain other juror would, story citizens at a revival streets, met, as he supposed, our good friend of two Dakota meeting. the minister as the of After an earnest exortation by the speaker, ; and, pastor his church was on a he it be a one of the citizens remarked : vacation, thought would u to this his What say, Bill see any thin' in it?" good plan engage minister to take " d'ye " I was the for one so he fol- dunno," reply ; what do place day ; addressed him as Well, lows: you think 'bout it?" ' ' " what will to I'll tell you what I'll do, Bill," said the Brother, you charge preach ' ' I'll to our first somewhat excited ; confess Baptist friends to-morrow?" speaker, " Our Universalist friend of it religion, if you will. "for, course, was he, replied as follows : If I preach your doctrine, deacon, it will cost you ten dollars, WHEN ! Crowd (in elevator) How soon but if you will allow me to preach mine it does this elevator go up, boy ? shan't cost you a d n cent." Elevator Boy (reading) Jes' as soon as I The horrified deacon shot around the near- find out if the gal who leaped from the cliff est corner. Doubtless thinking the minister was caught by her feller, who stood on the rock, had taken leave of his senses. one thousand feet below. NEW YAENS AND FUNNY JOKES. 57

An Inveterate Joker's Little Racket. Jack Pringle is a man who never wasted an opportunity, or puts off for to morrow the joke that can be done to-day. Going down street last Wednesday he was accosted by a little nervous man who had an impediment in his speech. Said the stranger: ''C-canyou t-tell me w-where I can g-get s-s-some t-t-tin t-tacks?" "With much pleasure, sir," replied Jack who realized the position at once, and, having directed REPJIE:.S his interlocutor to the shop of a DROP neighboring iron monger, by a somewhat circuitous route, he him- WHISKEY self hurried off to the spot by a short cut. Now the iron monger was having his dinner in a little back parlor, but when Jack entered the premises he came forward briskly, bowing and rubbing his hands together in that peculiarly servile manner that is character- estic of the British shop-keeper. ' ' Do y-you s-sell t-tin t-tacks ?" said Jack, assuming a stammer' ' " sir sir. Oh, yes, ; certainly, ' G-g-good long ones !" ' Yes, sir; all sizes, sir." ' W-with s-s-sharp points?" ' Yes,s ir, very sharp points." " 2. MKS. SOKER "There, Silas ! 'W-w-well, then, s s sit down on " *em, and w-w-wait till I c-call again. his Jack Having ''given order," thought it day-school class. I forgave the profanity of to retire at as there were sev- prudent once, Senator Hampton's story out of consideration eral articles heavy within easy access of the for it's wit." hands. " proprietor's One day during the war," said the Sena- The old man had cooled down and ' ' hardly tor, the Colonel of a South Carolina regi- returned to his which had also cooled meal, ment was making a round of inspection. Sit- down when the real "Simon unpleasantly, ting lazily on a rail fence whittling at a piece pure" entered the shop, and again the iron- of he found a man whose face was ' shingle came his hands with monger forth, washing not familiar to him. The Colonel was indig- invisible in water. " " soap imperceptible nant. Approaching the loafer he called out Do s-sell t-tin t-tacks !" said the lit- y-you to him with all proper severity. 'Who the tle man. are you, sitting here in this fashion ?'' 'I the door was so the customer " Luckily open, sir, responded the man on the fence, continu- avoided the two flat-irons hurled successfully ing his whittling, 'am the chaplain of the at him. " st regiment. Now, who in are you?' As to the remarks made by the dealer in the that ferruginous" goods, printer says" they run too much on sorts," and he is not go- A matter of daily Bread. ing to cut up a lot of rule to make dashes." "My friend," said the long-coated old man, solemnly, "have you made preparation for the of day judgment?" " "Wade Hampton's Story "Sir," replied the young man, that's how I to a make my living." According Washington letter, Senator man!" Wade Hampton is a good story teller. As ""Young I'm in the sheriff's office." far as is known he is up to this time the only employed man who has had the to tell the temerity " President an impious tale, and General Har- I'VE just read some statistics about the rison was actually very much pleased with frequency of divorces in the United States." " ' the narrative. "I always did like army It seems to me they ought to change Un- ' stories," he says, "and you can't expect til death do us part' into Until divorce do army stories to be good enci1 ^ -.r tell 3 Sun- us part.'" 58 NEW YAKNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

" Beauty on All Fours. I see, I see," murmured the Judge. "At the same moment went THE other day I accidently ran across a something with old No. and I could not shut member of the new school of physical cul- wrong 40, off steam. She ture women, whom I take to be the same wo- sprang away like a flash, and as she struck the she left the track men who recently made a man rich by letting crossing him hot water the three and entered a meadow filled with stumps." prescribe by quart "Good heavens!" times a day, as the great Catholicon and beau- a course for about tifier. "She kept straight forty 1 ' rods, the second, and "Is it possible, I asked, "that there are smashing stumps every the rails ladies who will walk around and around their then leaped a ditch, struck of the " D. and R. Road, and, after a wabble or rooms on their hands and knees " two, "Hands and she settled down and ran for two miles. " feet," said, interrupting me: on their four palms." ""Amazing! Amazing!" at a she left the "There really are such. persons?" Then, crossing, metals, " entered a and to the I am one," said she. cornfield, bearing right, her across the until "And there are ladies who lie on their plowed way country she came to our own road She had a backs and gesticulate with all their limbs, again. long to make over a but she made like an overturned beetle endeavoring to jump marsh, it, himself?" struck the rails and away she went." right ' ' You don't so ?" "Yes, yes," she said; "and its most bene- say " "I was now behind after a ficial. You don't know how beneficial it is. my train, and, run of two I control of the "Will you kindly tell me where your sense miles, got engine, ran and to the and of humor is when you are engaged in these up coupled palace car, most 1 went into Ashton pushing the train ahead of peculiar performances?' " me." "I don't know," said the lady. I think " Great Scott? And was no one hurt?" it must be wherever it belongs. Why?" "Not a soul, and not a broken. The "Oh, nothing," I replied, picturing in sil- thing a mean trick on me ence to myself the utter impossibility of my superintendent played r locking my chamber door and transforming though." into a circus of such dimensions. "How?" myself 1 ' the farmer who owned the meadow Breaking the silence, I asked: "And do you Why, the $18 for the I had go up and down stairs on all fours, as some paid company stumps do?" knocked out for him, while the cornfield man, " $9 for The Oh, no," she with a sigh. "It is charged damages. superintendent replied, the balance of the " impossible for most persons to do that. One pocketed money. scoundrel? And how much are must be alone in a house to make it "The you possible. a month?" It is a pity, for it would be very beneficial. paid As we can't do we are ordered to take 'Ninety dollars." that, ' rides over the roads in That's for running on the road ?' carriage7 roughest town.' 'Yes." ' And nothing for lying?" He Makes the Line 'Not a red." Popular, ' That's an outrage. The superintendent IN the with half a dozen smoking-car, along is an old friend of mine, and I'll see that you others of was an who was us, engineer going get the $9 on the stumpage and a salary of down to and after a time the Peoria, Judge $200 a month as long as live. It is such started to draw him out you " by saying: men as you who make a line popular." I presume you have had your share of close with other " shaves, along engineers?" Debtor's Paradise. I was the A have, sir," reply. " "Been in It to me," said Serena to many smash-ups?" " appears Sylves- "A full dozen, I guess." ter, that you kiss me entirely too often. I " adventure that be when we are married and Any particular might suppose, " people'' called wonderful?" she slightly blushed you will not think of "Why, yes, I did have one, "replied the kissing me more than nineteen or twenty ' ' " man, after relighting his old cigar stump. I times a day whereas now and she blushed, didn't think it any great shave myself, but again. " ' " " the cracked it as extra. true, replied Tw " boys up something Very Sylvester. etity Let us hear about it," said the Judge, as kisses a day is, I believe, the normal stand- he passed him a Havana. ard. But consider, I am twenty-eight years " one about three I was old have ten thousand Well, day years ago ; consequently spent coming west with the lightning express and unkissed days. Ten thousand multiplied by was running to make up lost time. Down twenty equals two hundred thousand. That here about twenty miles two roads cross, as is to say, this alarming deficit will not be you will see, and there are a lot t>f switches made up until I have received two hundred and side tracks. I had just whistled for the thousand kisses. You understand now what crossing and put on brakes when the coup- is meant by paying the debt of Nature?" ling between the tender and the baggage car "Dear me, yes," replied Serena; "but I broke." never knew it meant that I" Puck. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

No Danger. tive was taken by two traveling men. One of the latter, in reply to an expressed conviction of the farmer's wife that nobody who drank would enter the kingdom of heaven, I said : ' You might as well say that no man who chews tobacco can go to heaven. ' "The lady asked: 'Do you think that anybody that chews tobacker can go to heaven?' ' Why not?' was the rejoinder. "The farmer's wife braced herself for a clincher, while her husband settled back in his seat to enjoy the dis- comfiture of audacious drummer at a chestnut which he knew his better half was about to fire at him. ' ' ' ' Because, said she, Heaven is clean is a place ; chewing tobacker a dirty habit, and a tobacker chewer is an unclean thing, and the Bible says no unclean thing shall enter the kingdom of heaven. ' ' ' Having delivered herself of this forcible logic the old lady looked YOUNG SKIPJACK" Ah, I would like to cross that field, do around upon the passengers with an ah ?" you think that cow -would hurt me air of superiority and triumph. FABMEK "Did you ever hear of a cow hurtin' a calf?" "The commercial man waited patiently until the farmer and his wife had She His Credentials. and then asked : Knew Him By got"'through laughing, quietly do who eat with their A traveler called at at a farmer's Where people go nightfall knives and blow their nose with their house, the owner of which was away from fingers?' home. The mother and "The rural couple said something about daughter, being and remained until alone, refused to lodge the traveler. getting personal, quiet " " they got off the train, while the wretch who How far is it, then," said he, to a house where a can had knocked them out solemnly took a bite " preacher get lodging?" the of a half as are a said the old from end plug a foot long." Oh," you preacher," Herald. lady, you can stay here." Chicago Accordingly he dismounted. He deposited it his saddlebags in the house and led his horse Breaking Gently. to the stable. Meanwhile the mother and Young wife: "My dear, you were the daughter were debating the point as to what stroke oar at College, weren't you?" ' ' " kind of a preacher he was. Young husband : Yes, love. "He cannot be a Presbyterian," said the "And a very prominent member of the "for he is not dressed class?" one, enough." gymnastic" "He is not a said the I was the leader." " Methodist," other, for his coat is not the cut for a Meth- "And a hand at all athletic exercises?" right " quite odist. Quite a hand?" gracious! I was the <- My If I could find his hymn-book," said the champion walker, the best runner, the head ' ' daughter, I could tell what kind a preach- man at lifting weights, and as for car- " heavy er he is, and with that she thrust her hand rying! Why, I could shoulder a barrel of into the saddlebag, and pulling out a flask of flour and liquor she exclaimed, "La, mother, he's a "Well, love, just please carry the baby a Hard Shell Baptist!" Mercury. couple of hours. I'm tired."

a New Trial. Can Anybody Who Chews Tobacco Demanding A verdict of murder in the first had to Hea.ven? degree go just been brought in. "By the way," exclaimed the Major, "I "Your Honor," said the prisoner's counsel, , heard a funny conversation to-day, coming rising and addressing the court. "I demand! up from Fort Madison. The talk on the train anew trial." had drifted upon the subject ' of prohibition "On what ground?" asked the Judge. ' ' and the duty of anti-liquor people to forcibly On the ground that some members of the restrain their neighbors from drinking, looking jury are incompetent to render a just verdict. at it from a moral and religious point of view. Among them are an undertaker, a rope manu- "The affirmative was maintained a facturer, a florist, and a dealer in mourning: by " farmer's wife and her husband, the former goods. doing nearly all the talking, while the nega- A new trial was granted. 60 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

" Reggy's Precaution. Soup." HE was a meek-looking old gentleman from the country, and as he took his seat at the dining-room table, the drummers looked at him over their soup-spoons. They note d his weather-beaten face, nis wet hair carefully parted and brushed around over his ears, and his air of diffidence as he nervously fingered his the de- fork ; and when waiter girl stood murely at his side and winked at the boot and shoe man, they were all attention. "Soup ?" she asked. The old man seemed a bit surprised at the brevity of the bill of fare, and fidgeted about as though waiting for her to say something more. "Would you like some soup ?" said the girl with a side-glance at the coffee-and-spice man. ' ' I ain't particular about soup as I know m of," answered the old man. "Boil'mutt'n capersauce, roas' beef, r's' ALGY deah what are lamb, lamb, r's' veal, fricaseee chicken, cole " "Why, Reggy, boy, you doing;? ham-tongue, chick'n-salad, fritters, boil'n 'n' EEGGY we sail next week, know, and "Well, you baked p'tatus, said the girl with lightning- weally 1 must pwactice some against sea-sickness." like rapidity, The old man looked kind of helpless, and the boys felt a little sorry for him as he kept his eyes fastened on the fork, which he shov- Another from Chauncey. ed from side to side with his fingers. ' ' I I'll take I ' ' guess guess you'll have to I had the night before in the spoken opera say that again," he said, looking up, and tLe at a little State said Mr. De- New York town," rattled the whole off in the in girl thing exactly pew, relating another story of a man he met time as before. while in the last speaking campaign, "and The old man looked around the and was on the station the next table, standing platform sight of a drummer at the the local caught winking morning with committee, waiting then his head girl ; he jerked around, and for the train, when a lean backwoodsman, then looking her straight in the face, he said : with the lower of his trousers lost in " portion You may gimme s'm bile cornbeef 'n' cab- the of his boot-legs, came up to me and depth bage roas' beef, veal 'n' mutt'n, cole chick'n, said : 'n' an' 'n' s'm an' 'n' " ' turkey tongue, ham eggs I liked that air o' last speech your'n codfish-cakes 'n' sassage 'n' beefsteak, 'n' a night.' o' 'n' o' sis 'n' ' ' piece punkin pie cup coffee, ; I'm did,' I glad you replied. now see ef kin make little "'That was he went yer yer legs fly's straight talk,' on, kin for I ' as fast as ye yer tongue, wanter git and it takes an all-fired smart man to roll it " home there's a shower comin' out that ' ; up. way. The hesitated, turned red, and then "I blushed of at girl becomingly, course, this, made a Drake for the while the drum- and thanked him. ' kitchen, mers and the old man gazed out of '"I wished that I could talk like laughed that,' the window at the gathering clouds. Puck. continued the man,' 'I'd give my back twenty to be able to make such a speech as that.' A Correct Diagnosis. ' 'You never did anything at public speak- GEORGE. "Eh! You got engaged last ing, then !" I said. night? Gus, my old, my dear friend, tell me " ' 'Me ? Not a thing couldn't say 'boo how you did it." in public, I don't s'pose. There are things I Gus. "Really, I hardly know myself. can do, though. Give me an ax, a draw- Couldn't help it. Just like falling down shave and a log o' wood and I can make as stairs. I was on the edge of a proposal, she an as there is in four coun- me a and there I was pretty ox-yoke gave" push, engaged." ties 1 Yes, sir, that's all I want ax, draw- Well, I have'nt had any such experience. shave and log an' 'bout two days' time and Every time I try to start, my knees knock there's your ox-yoke. That's what I can do. together, and my teeth chatter, and my Now I s'pose, give you them things and you tongue cleaves to the roof of my mouth. I've couldn't do nothing with 'em, less mebby it tried a dozen times to pop the question to was to on the and make a Miss De and time." hop up log speech " Pink, slumped every to the ax an' draw-shave 'bout the tariff on And did she let you slump ?" iron. I'll be snaked if I don't believe I'm "Yes." pretty well satisfied with my lot after all." "You are courting the wrong girl." NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 61

The Hornet's Nest. A Serio-Comic Tragedy.

ACT IV.

Seasonable. Very "Can't help it," continued the humorous M ' What do you call that act? said the bass job printer, I've no money to loan to-day." singer to the acrobat. The other printers tittered and the quiet "Oh, that's merely a backward spring," man's face grew scarlet. Seeing this, they at- answered the acrobat. tributed his expression to embarassment over "Ah?" said the bass singer, "if I should the refusal of his request for money and they it there'd be an early fall, en ! Let's to make side remarks of an try " go began uncompli- and have a summer ! character. mentary " "A what?" "It's no use, said the humorous job print- ' ' A summer more than one his head ; swallow, you er,"shaking solemnly. know." It isn't, eh ?" said the quiet man, suddenly And then as the Irishman said, they winter hauling off and landing a left-hander square- way together. ly on the humorous printer's nose. He went down under his case like a brick blown from a The man commenced to The Humorous Job Printer's Practical chimney. quiet dance around the Joke Didn't "Work. prostrate joker. "Come and see me!" he cried, excitedly : A QuiET-looking man entered the printing "I'll learn you to play your scurvy tricks on office and approaching the job printer engag- an old friend who dropped in to invite you to ed him in low conversation for a few mom- meet better company than you deserve to ents. Seven or eight other printers were mingle with. Want to make the boys think working in the immediate vicinity. Sudden- I came to borrow money, eh ? That's a gag ly the humorous job printer ostentatiously that's too old to play on me. Come and see broke out in a loud voice : me and I'll feed flesh to the fowls of the " your sir not a cent." an Italian sunset on one cheek and " No, ; air, paint I have not asked to borrow any money," the battle of Solferino on the other." ' ' continued the quiet-looking man. You No, the humorous job printer did not stand ridiculous such all more end the make me by language ; any display types'on during the men are watching me." balance of that day. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

The Ups and Downs of Poker. McKinley's Retort. The following conversation is said to have occurred on the floor of Congress the other day, and is given on the res- ponsibility of the Hon. Isaac R. Hill. The talk took place between Major McKinley (Ohio) and Major Martin (Tex- as): ' ' Major McKinley you ought not smoke those interstate cigars." "What do you meat, by interstate cigars?" ' ' Why, I mean cigars that when smoked in one State can be smelled in all the other States." Brown, Jones and Robinson sat down to a little game of "draw," they "And you, Mar- take a careful look at their hands, Brown and Jones pem pleased. Major tin, should not smoke those Robinson Crusoe cigars of yours." ' ' What do you mean by Robinson Crusoe cigars?" "Why, castaways, of course."

Consolotary. Wife (tenderly)" Do you love me as much as ever, John?" Husband (affectionate- ly) "Of course I-do. More than ever. I should say." " Wife (carelessly) If I were to die would you marry again, darling?" Husband " (impatient- The cause of Brown and Jones pleasure Is evident, Eobinson seems ly Oh, what's the use somewhat disturbed. of asking such foolish questions? Wait till you're dead first."

One thing Needful. ' ' These are my household gods," he said to her as he entered his bachelor " apartment. But you lack something," she remarked. " What?" ' ' A household god- dess."

Destructive to Busi- ness. " Oh, live and let live, mv man. ,IIIv "Yes, I'd look well, Brown and Jones see 2 everything and go better "very freely. Robinson's wouldn't I? I'm a melancholy increases. butcher." NEW YAHNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 63

The Age ofRea- son. Mr. Chevy Chase ~" I thmk I'll take that copy of the Society Scor- pion home with me. I want to square myself with My wife. 7 ' Harry Hounds "But why will that square you, AS you put it. with Mrs. Chase?'' ' ' Because there's an article in it pitching into Mrs. Busby." Everything is Robinson down in the ' ' up depths but he "calls." But is she down on Mrs. Busby?" ' ' Certainly she is. It was at Mrs. Busby's house that I met Mrs. Crash- er." "And what's the matter with Mrs. Crasher?" "Why, it was Mrs. Crasher who committed the unpardonable sin. She told somebody, who told my wife, that it was a wonder to her that such a fascinating, agree- able man as Mr. Chase, meaning humble ser- your Brown and Jones seem sure they have a cinch on the pile. Eobinson seems to vant, had re- have recovered his spirits somewhat. mained single. Somehow, I never told her I was married. That's the reason Mrs. Chase will be glad to see Mrs. Busby roasted. If you were married, my boy, you'd know something about the subtleties of a woman's logic." Puck.

' ' THIS is rail hard work," said the car-horse. " Woe to you if you stop, "said the driver. "Brake away," cried the conductor, and the driver did it The show up. Robinson's straight flush has_done its fatal work on.Brown's four wheelingly. kings and Jones four aces. Life.. 64 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

That Bloomin' Young O-al. pay but $14 a year, or mebby good years, when I boom 'er a little, $15, but it's power- A YOUNG man in ful to have in the house. No, idee handy my " corduroy pant- is that we can keep it in the fam'ly anyhow. aloons, and with "How's that?" the bloom of a for- "The old woman, you see, she's a rip- un- eign country still snortin' Republican, powerful so, regler it I lingering on his compromism'. If Cleveland gets stay ; cheek, told the fol- if Harrison slides in the old woman comes to lowing story at po- the front for her reward. Nobody else wants lice lieadquarters it, so there we be." yesterday : "Well, you're all right then." "You see, I was "You bet we are. If we git tired of it or waitin' in a daypot, too old for it, or anything ever happens, and as you folks call it, there's my boy, a red-hot Republican, 'ere in back. down a town my oldest gal, Democrat from 'way called Toledo, when Oh, we're hustlers in our family when it a bloomin' young comes to politics." gal comes hup to "But suppose the Mugwumps should de- me hand : some and ?" I " says velope power day carry things 'Could I hax a asked. " " great favor of you, Well," he replied, we will soon be fixed young man ?" for that too. Tho baby is a Mugwump I " it 'cause he howls all the time. If 'You could,' says I. know you " see lookin' for on keepin' a 'Hare you a fighter ?' says she. anybody p'ints in the send him out to '"Sunthin of one,'" says I, "aving taken good thing fam'ly jess twenty -four lesson in boxin' of the Liverpool Shingle Corners." Kid, hand 'aving put hup me dukes along ' with several good-uns. ' ' ' Then sit beside me, young man, hand A Row to see who'll be Boss. protect me from a- duffer who is takin' had- of Officer vantage of the i'act that I ham hall alone 'ere A young fellow was inquiring ' street about the in this daypot. Button at the Third depot " ' train for the when the officer I'll do it," says I, 'hand hif he dares to north, queried wink at you hagain I'll bust the bloomin' in return : 'head of himself wide hopen.' "Didn't you come in this morning? ' ' Hand I sat. Hand she sat. Hand haf an "Yes." 'our, without no bloomin' duffer showin'hup. "With a young woman?" I took the train for this town, hand arrived "Yes." for a bridal 'ere to find that I 'ad neither watch nor wal- "I thought so. I took you That bloomin' 'ad let. young gal despoiled couple."" me." Yes, so we were." " alone !" "Well ?" And you are going back " mar- "Well, that's that I should That's what's the matter. We were hall, hexcept and came here on like to strike a job, hand that 'ereafter the ried day before yesterday bloomin' young women hof America will not a tour. She was all right when we got here, in an hour we had a fuss. She pull wool nover the heyes hof yours truly." but about wanted a diamond ring and I couldn't buy it. Diamonds! Just think of it! I've got $25 m cash and acres of land and expect to of Latest. twenty One Chauncey's have to live on beans for the next six months

CHAUNCEY M. DEPEW tells the to . following "pull through." story of another of the many interesting And where is she now?" characters he encountered last fall while ad- "Over at the hotel. I left her money to can dressing his fellow citizens on the vital issues pay her bill and get home and she stay of the It doesn't sound so much Better have this decided at campaign. i or come. thing built to like a true story as some that are extant, but the start, you know. Some folks are it is getting pretty late in the day to doubt wear diamonds and some to eat johnny his word. cake. I'm a johnny cakist. There's my One night after the meeting was over and train. If she comes in to take the next just while the hall was clearing a weather-beaten see her aboard, but don't encourage her any. the man button-holed me, and took me to one It's a row to see who shall be boss and Detroit Free side and said : best man is to win." " going I'm postmaster out here on Shingle Corn- Press. ers. Blaze away and elect your man if you want to." ' Are 'You don't care for the office, then ?" I PEARS SOAP and Raspberry jam. they the said, like one another. Yes, One washes dirty "No, that ain't it," he replied "It don't and the other dirties the wash. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 65

Professor M'C. Horcules and His Pet, Woman is not created perfect. OR HOW A FRAUD WAS GIVEN AWAY. She has her faults such as false hair, false complexion and so on. But she is a great deal better than her neighbor, and she knows it. Eve was a woman. She must have been a model wife, too, for it cost Adam nothing to keep her in clothes, Still, I don't think she was happy. She couldn't go to the sewing circles and air her information about everybody she knew, nor excite the envy of other ladies hy wearing her new Winter bonnet to church. Neither could she hang over the back fence and talk with her near neighbor. All these blessed privileges were denied her.

JUVENAL He was a rising young man. Ovid Who was ? Juvenal He who sat down on the stove.

l._Professor M'O. Hercules bows fo the audience before performing his celebrated f^ai of lifting a 1,000 pound ba]l.

2. His first attempt to seize the ponderous ball. Essay on Woman. AFTER man came woman. And she has been after him ever since. She is a person of free extraction, being made of man's ribs. I don't know why Adam wanted to fool away his ribs in that way, but I suppose he was not accountable for all he did. It costs more to keep a woman than three dogs and a shotgun. But she pays you back with interest by giving you a house full of children to keep you awake all night and smear molasses candy over your Sunday coat. Besides a wife is a very convenient article to have around the house. She is handy to swear at whenever you cut 4. The professor walks amid the with a and don't feel like proudly away yourself razor, plaudits of the audience, so does the playful and off blaming yourself. affectionate Fido, who walks with the ball Ju(fyt a 66 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

' ' Bath. I'se a prisoner locked up on bread an" water," Georgie re- 'cause I didn't plied, just know it was loaded. You see, father was in the army, and last week when you heard him firm' off his pistols he was shootin' at a cat. He shot five times, and the cat looked up and smiled when he got frou'. Says I, 'Father, did you ever kill a man when you was a soldier ? thinking you know, that he couldn't shoot fur a cent. He says, 'I s'pose so.' 'Well, I says, 'you muster bin close enough to hit him with an ax,' and he sent me into the house. Well, I seed where he hid his pistol in his overcoat, and yesterday I got it out, an' there was an accident. I felt sure it wasn't loaded, for didn't I hear father fire it off ? I put it under my piller, 'n' I waited for supper to be over, 'cause I wanted to scare the girls. Girls holler when " always they 1. MB. SHELLEY Here there ! see a pistol. Well, our minister come to tea. Ministers are the greatest hands to come it's to tea ; half their work to go 'round an' eat suppers with the ladies. Father went down to the Conven- tion, and Bess and Lilly, them's the girls, went into the parlor to see the minis- ' ter didn't get sleepy. 'Bess, says I, 'lend me your blanket shawl fer a few minutes, I want to be a Indian brave,' I wrapped the shawl 'round me, put father's cane over my shoulder for a gun, 'n' then 1 got the pistol, 'n' crept softly down to the parlor so they wouldn't know In- dians was skirmishin' 'roun' their camp. I pushed open the door, an' there was the minister and Bessie sittin' at opposite ends of the sofy, an' Lil was crocheting an lamp mat. All was still, ' 'n' I says, the hour has come.' Then I gave three 2. -"I do hope those ladies won't turn around til I get by ! war whoops, 'n' rushed in ' and surrender, or I shoot !' There was " said, Playing the Uinpah." a panic. The girls went into hysterics, an' A SMALL boy leaned out ot the rear third the preacher said, 'My son, mebbe that ' story window of his father's house in Brook- pistol's loaded. ' ' ' lyn, yesterday afternoon, looking at the Says I, s'render, pale chief, or I'll shoot dead in tracks. ' all made a rush sky, and at times breaking out with the yer yer They tune, "In the North Sea Lived a whale." at me to take the pistol away, 'n' I fired. His noise attracted his newspaper neighbor Lordy, what a noise. I was skeered most to death. bullet who also leaned out and said, "Well, Georgie. The went into a picture of tlv how are you ?'' signers of the Declamation of Independence, NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 67

and took off the IK ad of one of the signers. The preacher turned pale 'n' said I was a wicked boy. I knowd it, 7 n' I knowd what I was going to ketch. The girls cried like as though there was a funeral, 'n' I was whipped. 1 dreamed all night I was nghtin' the Indians, an' when I woke up this mornin' I felt sure my name -would be in the papers. They gave me bread an' water for breakfast, an' wouldn't let me see a new's paper. So I'd thought I'd escape. I tore up the two sheets, tied one end to the bureau drawer, and was climbin' down like folks do at a fire, when somethin- give way. I fell about a thousand feet, I thought, I come down so hard. I hit 3 CHORUS" where can that have come from the stone area, 'n 't seemed to Why, me as if it was night and I was lookin' at about a million stars. I did- n't know nothin' for a minute. Then I come to." "What broke?" " Nothin' broke ; the bureau drawer come out. I oughter tied on to the gas fixture. Father wouldn't give me a newspaper, but he gave me another lickin' and some more bread an' water. I s'pose now I'll be a month on bread 'n' water. " " But you musn't make so much noise." ' ' That was op'ra I was singin'. Don't you like op'ra ? Well, you don't care if I play the umpah ?" MK. SHELLEY (in a very much muffled tone) Poor doggy good doggy." "What is the umpah?' Why, didn't you never hear a brass band on who lives in a cot- down unexpectedly a widow going the street ? One man with a lit- he sur- ' tage on the outskirts of the village, ile horn Ta-te-rent ' goes ta-ta-ta-ta, and a. her in the midst of washing a lot of man with a horn prised big goes urn-pah, um-pah, clothes. She hurriedly hid behind a clothes- That s the um-pah. umpah I play." horse, and told her little to say that she the boy As neighbor drew in his head the small was out. The visitor knocked at the door. boy on the " began "umpah," and he was play- "Well, Jamie," he said and where's your Ing it when the reporter went away. mother?" " mother's no' in; she's doon the street Left her Feet Behind. My " on a message, replied the lad with prompt- A good old minister in Scotland is no stick- ness. ler for etiquette, and likes his visits to his "Indeed!" replied the minister, with a flock to be as informal and as homely as pos- glance at the bottom of the screen,. "Well, sible but he ; has a great regard for truth, and tell her I called, and say that the next time is invariably down on those whom he detects she goes down to the village she might take in any deviation therefrom. Recently calling her feet with her !" NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

" The Fountain of Youth. See that young fellow sitting on the wood box?" "Fine country, this," squeaked a little, "Yes." of to his clried-up speciman humanity fellow "Well, he was near a hundred when ht the on a Florida railroad, other came down here. But he fell into the foun " Sassenger,ay. tain one day Fellow nodded assent. " " passenger You mean he stumbled in?" 'round here?" ' ' 'Quainted Yes, he just stumbled right in by acci- little." "A dent, because he wasn't looking for it as you " Are far from the we very spring?" are. and he was changed so quick that a ' ' do this or What spring you mean, spring policeman standing by arrested him." last spring?" "Under what ordinance?" come don't that old "On, now, spring "Under the ordinance forbidding boys chestnut on me. You know what I spring bathing in public in the daytime." mean well " enough. "Junction City ! Change cars for Orange- Well I enough don't, thought." ville !" cried the brakeman, and as I was going " the that Mr. Pounce D. Lion Why, spring to Orangeville I wasn't able to hear any more discovered in Florida. A man bathes in it of this interesting conversation. Texas Sift- he out as and as and comes just young frisky inqs. he ever was." "You mean the Fountain of Eternal Youth?" " Mixed Pickles. That's it; but I'll be etarnally durned if I could remember the name." "There was some skylarking at the club " this line we'll to the other night, and Jack broke two of Tom's Oh, that's right on ; come ribs." it and by. The railroad uses it by " company to a water-tank. "What of it?" supply ' ' " Jack it a joke, that's You don't tell me ! Must make a locomo- thought side-spliting all." tive pretty friskly to draw water from that " spring." DID you ever notice the resemblance be- ' ' It does. It fairly jumps the track once tween a billiard ball and a passionate young in a while." " lady?" Well, I should think it would. I believe "In what way?" the track if I could I would jump myself get "Why they both delight in kissing." of it. Let a feller bathe in it?" a sight ' ' "In the locomotive?" I HEAR that Chumlev lives on his inter- in the est?" "No; spring." ' ' ' "Yes he's the interest clerk' in the Rich- Yes, and fall too. Say, where are you from?" ville Bank." "I'm from Connecticut." "ANY curtain lectures since you've wed?" "Looking up an orange grove?" ' ' I should say so. Wife lectured me two "Well, p'r'aps. Did you ever see this hours because I said a hundred dollars was Pounce D. Lion?" too much to pay for a pair of lace things to "Oh, yes; I know him well. He's a neigh- hang before a window." bor of mine." ' ' " CHAPPY ought to be arrested for assault. You don't say! Did he really get young He did a rather unusual thing for him." again after taking a plunge into that spring was it?" ofhis'n?" "What ' ' "He struck an idea." ! he was so a Young Why, young guard- " ian had to be appointed over him right away, I DON'T want any of this theatre butter," he was put in tne infant class at school, and said a woe -begone actor to the waiter in a it was years before they would accept his cheap restaurant. vote at the polls." "Theatre butter?" "Say, stranger," cried the little old man, "Yes, it's full of flies."

and out of the ' ' ' springing up looking window, I MADE a sour mash' this morn- are we anywhere near that tank now?" regular "You want to find do ing."" " it, you?" What, turned bartender?" I wife I ' Well, kinder promised my when ' No, flirted with a girl in a vinegar fac left home that I would sort er look it up. tory." Any land around there for sale? I jes' want a little building lot, you understand. I can IT'S a wise child that won't go a stepfather. with till I can move the old put up anything THE grip is bad, but it's sneezy thing to here. be woman down She'll dissappointed, cure. I know, if I don't locate near that spring, for she's no spring chicken herself." "Do write," said the paper to the pen. " "The ink stands to You need a Now. own up; you've come down to Flor- " ready help. Learn to rule before ida just to find that spring?" little sand." yourself ' ' out has tried advice," the with a sneer. Could you pint a man who giving" replied pen, it?" said the little old man, evasively. Texas Siftings." NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 69

No wonder he was not The Wonders of Electricity. Afraid. The grim little man who at- tends the menagerie at Won- derland had just emerged from the lion's cage one day last week when a timid mai den inquired. ' ' Say, mister man, do you ever get frightened when you are in the cage with that awful monster ? "Na ma'am," the keeper boldly made reply, "I am not afraid of anything that walks." "Why," pursued the in- ' ' quirer, meekly, do you pos- sess a natural charm over wild animals ?" "I have been married twice," quoth he. Buffalo Courier.

A. Friendly Hint.

Temperance Apostle : Do you know that whiskey will eat a hole through sheet iron?

Inebriate : Why don't you try beer ?

His HONOR " What made you steal this gentleman's ' door mat ?" Prisoner 'Sure, your Honor, isn't 'Welcome' in letters on it. as long as yer MB. HAGGENKATH /'Just wait till I get up, my dear, and I'll give a-r-rm. you some change myself."

gallery, The play proceeded. The low com- The Force of Habit. edy man had a scene with a policeman. As THE curtain had just risen, and the audi- the Comedian was preparing to make his exit, ence was silently absorbing the heroine's the policeman made a motion as if to strike pitiful story. Shiver music with ice down its him with his club, but he did not do it. In- back was being played by the six thirsty stantly the voice in the gallery said : ' ' " German gentlemen inside the railing, and an Balk ! Take your base ! asthmatic wind machine was giving a cheap The thing was becoming monotonous now, and inferior imitation of a March blizzard. and an officer was sent to hunt out the offend- The villian entered, and stealthily aimed a er. Before the officer reached the gallery, blow at the defenceless woman, which she however, the hero and the villian had another Then a voice in the said : Words between them, and dodged." " gallery meeting. passed strike ! villian down. One t the hero knocked the Again There was a faint stir in the audience, but that voice was heard : ' ' " the play went on. Soon the hero and the vil- O-o-o-o-o ! A three-bagger ! lian had a scene together. The villian raised The villian sprang to his feet and rushed his cane, and the hero hurled a paper weight upon the hero, drawing a huge bowie-knife as at him with miserable aim. Again the voice he advanced. Then the owner of the voice was heard : stood upon the seat and yelled : ' ' " "One ball!" Slide ! You've got to slide ! Again there was a moment's confusion, A hand reached forward and grasped the of- which soon settled down. The seen went on, fender's collar. The shouter turned and saw th<

and as the hero turned to leave the stage, the officer. The voice sank to a pleading whisper. . villian stabbed him in the side. Then the "Say." it said, "don't put me out. I've 1 voice serf amed: been travelin' 'round the world as umpire Foul! -Foul!" with the All Rhode Island team, and I've Once more there was confusion, and people almost forgot how to express my feelings at a in the orchestra began to look towards the show in any other way." Puck. 70 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

A Check on Humor. "You'd look nice bridle towering around New York with no better duds than you've got!" said the mother. "Now, Sarah, you stand up and git mariea !" "Be keerful, mother , don't make 'er mad, "warned the old man. "Now,. Sarah, if yer back out everybody will laugh at us."

"I don't keer ! I want to travel." "You shall," answered William. "Where?" "We'll all go up to the House of Correction." " 'Taint far 'nuff." The old man beckoned William and Sarah aside

and began : "Now, Sarah, William jist dotes on you.'' "But I want a bridle- tower." ' 'Yes but can't have ; you one. The railroads are all snowed under, and towers have gone out of fashion,, anyhow. ' ' 'Then I want a diamond " ring. "Now don't say that, Sarah, fur I went to every store last and 1. VEKT FUNNY BKOKEK "I haven't smashed a hat for a week. Saturday Think I'd better take a crack at that new one ^f McCord's." was all out of diamond they " " rings. Coaxing Sarah. Then I want a set of mink furs."

! I know Justice Alley had hardly been opened to "Mink furs William, you'd buy 'em for her in a but out legal business yesterday morning when a second, they've gone be had. Sarah. I'm sleigh containing seven or eight persons from of style, and can't yer beyond the city limits drove up to the door father, ain't I ?" of a popular Justice and piled out with an "Yes, dad." air or business. His Honor was poking up "And I've alway bin tender of ye ?" the fire, when an old man beckoned him into "Yes." a corner and : " " whispered Then be tender of me. I want to see ye Got a job of splicing here for ye. My married to William. You can't have a tow- darter Sarah here is to hitch to that going er, nor a diamond ring, nor a set furs, but there with the blue and then chap comforter, I'll buy ye a pair of new gaiters. William, we're out to have some going oysters." will pay for the oysters, and I'll see that "AD. right all right," was the reply, and mother divides up the dishes and bedding in two minutes the official was all ready. with ye. Sarah, do you want to see my gray The man with the blue comforter peeled hairs bowed down ?" his laid aside his and extend- overcoat, hat, "No o-o." ed his hand to Sarah. " Then, don't flunk out." "I won't do it I'll die first!" she as said, "Will be two-dollar she she shrank they gaiters?" away. asked. "She's a leetle timid a leetle timid," ex- the old while the re- "Yes." plained man, mother " And all the we can eat 5" bukingly observed : oysters " can stuff." Sarah, don't you make a fool of yourself "Yes, all you here. William will make you a good hus- "And a tower next Fall, if wheat does? band." well ?', "And don't you forgit it !" added William. "Yes." Come Sarah." ' ' Then I I will. I don't " guess Come, Bill, I won't unless we can go to New York on keer two cents for you, but I want to oblige a bridle tower !" she snapped. father." NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 71

Leaving Out tLe Joke,

SOME people are bright enough to enjoy a good joke, but do not have retentive memories, so as to be able to repeat it to others. Failures of this kind are sometimes very ludicrous. We give some good speci mens. The most famous of this class was the college professor, who, on parting with a student that had called on him, noticed that he had a new coat, and remarked that it was too short. The student, with an air of resignation, replied : "It will be long enough before I get another." The professor enjoyed the joke heartily, and going to a meeting of the college faculty just afterwards, he entered the room in great glee and said : "Young Sharp got off such a joke just now. He called on me a little while ago, and as he was leaving, I noticed his new coat, and told him it was too short,

and he said : "It will be a long time before I get another." 2. McCoED (after the blow falls) 'That's what I call my fool-killer, No one laughed, and the Tommy." professor sobering down, remarked: "It about the and did " tongue falling, they laugh. doesn't seem so as when he said it. funny "Why is this," said the waiter, holding up red haired A lady who was ambitious of lit- a common kitchen utensil, "more remarka- distinction found but sale for erary poor her ble than Napoleon Bonaparte ? Because Na- book. in A gentleman speaking of her disap- poleon was a great man, but this is a grater." ointment said : "Her hair is red (read) if When the funny man reproduced it in his Eer book is not." in An auditor, attempting circle, he asked the question right, but an- " ' ' to relate the said : She has joke elsewhere, swered it, Because Napoleon was a great red hair if her book hasn't." " man, but this is a nutmeg grater. The mosi unfortunate attempt at reproduc- ing another's wit was made by an English- man who didn't understand the pun, but A Kind-Hearted "Woman. judged from the applause with which it was Mr. Fainwed: Then you refuse to marry greeted that it must be excellent. During a me? dinner at which he was a guest a waiter let a Mrs. Mainchance : For the I must. boiled tongue off the on which he present slip plate husband is in and we are the was and it fell on the table. My good health, bearing it, best of friends. The host at once apologized for the mishap Mr. Fainwed : And you can give me no en- as a "lapsus linguae" (slip of the tongue). couragement ? The joke was the best thing at the dinner, Mrs. Mainchance : I will and our friend concluded to it at his keep your address, bring up and if a should occur I will own table. vacancy drop you a line. He accordingly invited his company and (N. B. This in of instructed his servant to let fall a roast of happened Chicago, course.) beef as he was bringing it to the table. When the "accident" occurred, he ex- " " claimed : "That's a 'lapsus linguae.' ATTORNEY (to witness) Mr. Chalkley, if ' ' Nobody laughed, and he said again, I say I mistake not, you said a few moments ago that's a lapsus linguae," and still no one that you sold milk for a living." laughed. Witness (guardedly) "No, sir; I said I

A screw was loose somewhere : so he told was a milkman." NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

-A. Lightly-clad Somnambulist Visits ing sweetmeats, oranges and other fruits. Herrmann made a dead set at the his Sweetheart at Midnight. orange man, a thin-faced, avaricious-looking fellow, who A young man, whom we will call Tom Jef- wore a queue about five feet long. Herrmann an and cut it ireys by way of illustration, was very much bought orange open. With an infatuated with a young lady who lived on exclamation of delighted surprise, his eyes the three miles from his and his face lit with smiles, he v public road, home, sparkling up near Interlachen. Everybody who has trav- drew a five-dollar gold piece out of the pulp eled that part of the country knows that the and held it up so that the Chinaman could see neighborhood is thickly settled, and for miles it. The latter's eyes bulged from their sockets you go without getting out of sight of some and a pained look of disappointment crossed one's house. his expressionless face. Herrmann bought One night about eight o'clock. Jeffreys re- three more oranges, and from each he drew tired early. It was bright moonlight. In his a shining fiver. By this time the perspira- sleep he got out of bed, and in his night tion rolled in beads down the Chinaman's clothes walked undisturbed to the house of his face, and he looked so sick I felt sorry for lady love. As is generally the case in this him. He gathered up his stock, muttering country, stairways run up to the second floor to himself, and when Herrmann wanted to on the outside of the buildings, and this one buy another half-dozen the Chinaman refused in particular leads from the ground to the to sell them. young lady's room door. Young Jeffreys "I'll give you one dollar for them," said walked up those stairs and sat down uncon- Herrmann. ciously near the lady's door. How long he The price was only ten cents, but the China- remained there he does not know, but when man was tired of giving away gold pieces. ' ' " he finally awoke his head was resting on his Me no wantee sellee, he said shrilly. knees, and it was ten o'clock. A few minutes later he retired into a cor- Imagine his surprise. There, at his ner and with the air of a conspirator he began ifianced's home, in his night clothes, three to cut up the oranges. nules from home. As easily as posisble he One after another they went, and his look crept down the stairway. He could hear the ef disappointment became darker and dark' old man down in the fields attending to his er as the magic gold pieces failed to appear. horses and cattle. Everything was still. It was actually tragic when the last one was The people in the house were quietly chatting. gone, and Herrmann gave him one dollar to An open space of about twenty feet separated prevent his committing suicide. the kitchen from the main building. The young man went around to the corner of tae house and saw the young lady and her mother to and fro in discharge of household "Why She didn't want an American goinguties. He couldn't speak to them because Husband. he wasn't dressed that way. His trouble from Indiana- was to get back home without being discov- A gentleman told me th& ered or noticed. other day a story about Bayless W. Hanna, Minister to When he was quietly stealing his way out now United States the Argentine months at of the yard into the road two ferocious dogs Republics Some ago Buenos Ayres, awoke from their slumbers, and with grin- a rich Spanish banker gave a dinner to some ning teeth took after the flying night shirt friends, and Mr. Hanna was seated on the "^hich was making its way to the thicket on right of the hostess. She inquired as to the the side of the road. The animals overtook health of Mrs. Hanna, who was not present, and how children the object, and what part of the white gar- asked many they had. ment they did not tear off, the briars and Bayless, -not understanding Spanish very she wanted to know the of brush did', and that young man found himself well, thought " age in a most unpleasant fix with half his skirts Mrs. Hanna and said, Forty-eight, madam." the threw her torn off. The night was cold and he felt it. To his surprise lady up hands "Gracious a no On getting into the thicket he got out of the and exclaimed, Dios, que way of the dogs, but for two hours he was tengo esposo Americano !' which being trans- I not an Ameri- wending his way home, dodging passers-by lated is, "Thank God, have The in the public road and shivering like a leaf in can husband." next day the Spanish Mr. ' ' the arctic regions. Palatka (Fla.) Enter- banker called on Hanna and said : You told prise. astonished my wife yesterdav when you her had children." "Why, you forty-eight " dear the I Herrmann's Joke. my sir," replied Minister, thought your wife inquired as to the age of Mrs. Han- During his recent visit to this city Herr- na and I gave her the forty-eight figure. I mann, the magician, rJatedan amusing in- have only four children, and they are stance which happened several years ago enough." The banker went home and gave when he visited the Chinese theatre. The his wife the benefit of Judge Hanna's state- performance was the adjourned act of a play ment, but the story got out and the Judge has that had been started a month before. In to stand up and take the jokes of his the lobby were a lot of Chinese peddlers sell- friends. SSI? YARNS AXD FUNNY JOKES. 73

Job T-iOts On the Avenue.

' ' Frenchman (to American) : mon- Fissr BALLET GIRL Pardon, vate ez zat ? a man or a ?" "You are a sieur, hateful, "That? Oh, a dude. And" his hand " waving spiteful thing, and I toward a block of stores here's where he's won't bandy words with made." you !'' Second Ballet ' ' ' Frenchman (reading the sign) : Felt & Girl "Never ' ' " mind, Beever hattaires' vat eez hattaires ? dear, can you bandy-legs the hats, know." with of us." "They supply you any "Hats? Oh, vraiment; chapeaux. "Lisst and Woollie cloziaires' zey ze cloze supplai "MAMMA dear what is oui ?" that funny locking ma- do well." "Ye , mongseer. Really, you very chine?" "That dear " my Ah, merci ! You vair kind. And zees is father's office your 'Shears, tailor' ah, je comprends! he "So! and sup- typewriter." plai ze tails n'est-ce pas ? Mais but vat eez where is the place for ' tails ' ?" the Champagne ? The champagne my child, Thought he saw Double. what do you mean? Well I met I heard tell Mr. Oldhand the other even- Nickleby: just Bjinks. He was papa drunk. ing that it often costs him ten dollars to fill He is a his typewriter with champagne. Tableau Squeers: Why, impossible. very -with blue fire. temperate man. What made you think he was drunk ? Nickleby: He told me I looked double the HE "Now that you have made me the man I did a year ago. Lawrence American. happiest of mortals, can I kiss you ?" She 41 Never having any personal experience of Does not see Her so much Now. your osculatory ability, Mr. Geyser, I don't has been for : know if you can, but if you hadn't eaten " Singleton (who away years) I haven't seen with Miss since quite so many onions to your breakfast you you Bjinks might have tried at once. S'mother my return. Do you see much of her now ?" day. ' ' " : No I don't see Benedict (sorrowfully) ; her steals a very often," SHE (as he kiss)" Why, you rob- ' ' I thought you and she were engaged. Did ber ! I shall have you arrested for ' larceny ' she break it off ?" . from the person He ( kissing her once more) ' ' " ' ' No we were married. well I have it back. If ; Very ; given you make that me I shall complaint against charge Methodical with stolen Madness. you receiving" property, knowing it to be such. Physician Your husband is quite delirious and seems utterly out of his mind. Has he to ? OVERHEARD IN THE KITCHEN "What did recognized anyone day Wife Oh, yes. He called me a dragon wear last night ?" asked the celery. "A you this morning, and he constantly speaks of the lovely mayonnaise,'' replied the lettuce. " governess as an angel. And you ?" "Never was so mortified in all life: I wasn't dressed at said the my all," Made Clear. celery; and the beet blushed. Little Frankie What does bustle mean pa ? "LOOK here, those sold me the Pa Something noisy. eggs"you other day were all bad." Well, it ain't my Little Frankie Oh, now I know. " ' ' ' ' fault. Whose fault is it ?" Blamed if I Pa Know what, my child ? know. How should I know what's inside 'em. Little Frankie Why women make so much I'm no mind reader." noise.

YOUNG M. D. That jig is up. WHAT is the difference between a married a ? out ! Old M. D. What do you mean ? man and widower Get The one Young M. D. That fellow with St. Vitus's kisses his missus and the other misses his dance died this morning. kisses.

MAMMA "Well, did you tell God how MINISTER (to wicked man) Sir, why are naughty you have been ?" you so wicked ? Lily "No, upon reflection, I thought it Husband Well, yer see, the good people had better not get out of the family." they die young I want to live to be high old 'un, I do. See ? DUDELET Is this aw offensive to cigar " you aw ? DENIS Do you drink, Tooley." I Laborer No, I can stand it, I've just been Tooley "Faith, and do," cleaning out a sewer! Denis "Well, Here's a clove." NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES

The G-allant Oyster and the Sponge. What's the difference between kissing a. and ? A gallant oyster loved a sponge young lady making cider One you In the depth of the dark blue sea. have to squeeze before you can get cider and ' And the sponge which the erallant oyster loved the other you have to get cider [side her] be- Was as fair as a sponge could be. fore you can squeeze her. But the sponge the oyster's love disdained, Why is a piano player like a pickpocket % With a manner most cold and curt; Because they are always fingering notes. To feel that his love by a sponge was spurned What time of day was Adam born ? A lit- Did the of the oyster hurt. pride tle before Eve. is tail Fate came at last, the sponge caught cold : Why a dog's the biggest curiosity in; And she died of membr'ous croup, the world ? Because it was never seen be- While the gallant oyster who loved the sponge fore. Found he was in the soup ! Why is an old maid like a bad lemon ? Be- cause neither is worth squeezing. The Dominant Instinct. Why is a chicken on a fence Eke a penny 5' ' ' It's head on one side and tail on the other. From the Crowd Horrors ! Look there ! When is a candle like a tombstone ? When, A runaway !" it sets for a late husband. Crash bang ! (Horse thrown and carriage up overturned.) When is water most liable to escape ? When Terrified Voice from the Wreck "Helb! it's only half tide. are dancers the MyGott, quick! Dot horz will smash my Why tight rope greatest- favorites with the ? Their prains out mit his hoof. Hold his feet, some- public perform- are on cord body." (Crowd rushes forward.) ances always [encored.] is a hill like ? is 'Lay still!" Why a pill One hard to- ' Climb out over the back !" get up and the other is hard to get down. ' Don't move !" Why are musicians the laziest people in ' Crawl out for heaven's sake !" world ? Because they work when they play, ' Get under the seat !" and play when they work, ' Wriggle around on top !" Why are women like prize fighters ? Her ' Wrap the cushion around your head, so fingers are always ready to enter a ring, and : more than a for you won t get hurt !" she's always match any man double her size. (A. brawny drayman thrusts his arm through the buggy top and drags the man When does an audience resemble a flock of ? sit look from his perilous position.) When they down, up and geeseiss at the stars. The Rescued (casually) "Many tanks." (Turning to the Crowd.) "Which shows, Why is a baby like a sheaf of wheat ? First it's to be then thrashed gentlemen, the necessity for accident insur- got cradled, before it fit for anz. I reprezend the Hustlers, of Hartford, becomes family use, and finally becomes- flower of the Conn. Capital, two millions, and assets, six. the family. We would oe pleased to write you up for any amount you choose on the most reasonable terms. First-class indemnity for the smallest Uncle Eph's Candor. money. Do I hear any one speak?" is told of the (No one speaks. The horse faints from as- A pretty good story late Con- rom which isthe^ tonishment. ) Life. gressman Taulbee,f Kentucky, more humorous because told by himself. An. Convival Pastimes. old colored man called Uncle Eph had lived; in the Taulbee family many years, and was- WHAT is the difference between the man- considered an honest and faithful old servant. ager of a theatre and a sailor ? A sailor likes After the election for congressman, Taulbee see a house and the don't. to light manager having been a candidate, he was taunted by When was the theatrical business first some of his opponents with the statement that of in the Bible ? When Eve spoken appeared Uncle Eph had voted against him. Loath to- for Adam's benefit. believe it, he asked Eph: "Is it true that does a turn around twice before " Why dog you voted against me at the election ?" Yes, ? wants to himself in lying down He satisfy Massa William," replied Eph. "I voted the his mind that one turn deserves " " own good 'Publican ticket." Well," said Taulbee, I another. like frankness, and here's a dollar for be your Why cannot a deaf man legally convict- your candor." The old colored man stood ed i Because it is unlawful to convict any scratching his head, when Taulbee asked: without a man hearing. "Well, Eph, what is it?" "Well Massa is like a locomotive ? " Why a pretty girl Taulbee," said Eph, if you is buying candor sends off the the mail She sparks, transports you owes me fo' dollars mo', kase I voted has a train her and sometimes and following agin ye five times." switches off on the wrong track and bursts her boiler. Why is a pig with a curly continuation IF a man's teeth were knocked out with anu like the ghost of Hamlet's father ? Because axe, would he have an accidental resemblance -i it could a tail unfold. to any other toothless man? NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 75

An Old Country Seat. The Reason He Ban Away With Three Sisters. A MAN in Texas was arrested for running away with three sisters triplets and was on trial. placed" You are a nice fellow," said the judge, as a preliminary. ' ' I know it leastwhile that's what Jedge ; the gals said.". "What do you mean by running away with three women, and ruining the peace of a " happy" family? I meant to marry em, jedge." "Insatiate would not one suffice. '* " monster, Put it a leetle plainer, jedge." " " Wouldn't one have been enough? ' ' It mought looked that er way to and did to me at but Some Mistake There. you, jedge, fust, you see there was three of kind of one set We were 'em, having a good time in a St. Louis like." " gymnasium one night when the question of That doesn't count in law." self-defence came to be half a " up argued by Mebbe it but them and dozen different them was a don't, jedge, gals persons. Among me talked it all over, and they was man from who contended that a mighty Cincinnati, attached to each other, and said it was a pity gentleman ought to be able to thrash always for me to take one of them triplets and break a mudsill, provided the latter would make a the set, so we just concluded to hang together, fair scrap of it. Two or three this opposed and I'll be durned if we was'nt a nangin* and to test it the Cincinnatian offered theory, right out fer Utah, and no mistake." to while a committee went out to strip pick "The law does not recognize any such a victim. It up was a commitee of one, and excuses." I went out the street " upon and picked my All ole ahead. There right, man ; go was man hap-hazard. He was going past with a three agin one, and if I have to suffer, I kin bundle under his and I said to him: arm, it I to " stand ; but want say right here, jedge, Will you come in and box a man five or if any fool cuss breaks that set while I'm sirf- six rounds for $5?" " " ferin', I'll break his durned skull as shore a* Eegular fighter? he asked. I'm a dyin' sinner, and you can bet a rawhide "No, only an amateur." "I'm on it." your huckleberry." The case was continued. The Drummer. He was a plasterer, and he had some of his tools in the bundle. He got ready without to care who his was to seeming opponent be, Ancient Prayers- and as they entered the ring it was seen that WILLIE home from "Pa- they were about even in size and weight. (coming church) hadn't learned how to pray very Time was called, and the fun began. It pa, they " well in Bible had ? didn't last long, however. Inside of two times, they "I could minutes the plasterer planted a straight right- Papa suppose, my son, people then as well as do now." hander at the other's nose, which floored him pray they Willie couldn't. and kept him on his back for sixty seconds. (positively) "No, they " " The Lord's is a minute and Is that all ! calmly inquired the plaster- prayer only long, minister can for a of an er as he took off the gloves. our pray quarter "Yes. Here's your money." hour. Philadelphia Times. "Thanks. Good night." When the Cincinnatian came top and got his nose repaired he sat for a long time won- Popular Polly- dering how it all came about, YOUNG (at bird store) "Has th*. Lady " "Can't you explain it?" he was finally parrot any accomplishments? asked. "He can speak a little, but Proprietor " "No." he's to old to learn new. "anything "Well, lean." (Hesitatingly) Would he imitate any "What is it?" he such as a sneeze or & sounds might hear, [ "He was a mudsill all enough, but or of that kind?" " right cough, anything you are no gentleman ! "No. The girls were trying the other day to teach him to imitate the sound of a Advantages. but he wouldn't do it." " * "I'll take him." That cigar you smoke has its advantages. "Like it?" "No; that's .fast it. A friend doesn't feel IT is supposed that a hen lays an eggs be- .vou don't offer him one." cause she can't stand it on end. 76 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

A Strange Story. The Ten Dollar Bill, the Baby, and the Good Deed- A well known American after-dinner speak- at dinner in FRANKLIN er related the following story a MURPHY brought sympathetic Delmonico's on the eve of his departure for tears to the eyes of his hearers at the dinner Europe. While abroad he heard what was of the Leather Manufacturers' Association, supposed to be the same story, told by an by relating a story of benevolence, says the English Lord at a dinner in London: "A Newark Journal. A friend of his, he said, prominent lawyer named Jno. B. Strange, was walking down to business one morning, 111. his death bed he saw a with lived in Chicago, ; on when young woman a baby in called his wife to his bedside and requested her arms sitting on a church step and weep- her not to go to any expense to erecting a ing. The man, whom Mr. Murphy called Jones, was touched by her apparent distress, and asked her what was the cause of it. "I walked into town," she replied, "to have my baby baptized, and now it will cost me $3 to have the service performed. I haven't " the money, and I don't know what to do. that's a small said " "Well, matter," Jones, I haven't $3 in change, but here's a ten-dollar bill. Take it, and I will wait here for the change." The woman returned in a short time and handed Jones $7. He patted the child's head and went down town, rejoicing in his own goodness. He felt good all day, and his countenance ehown with an unusual bright- ness. His associates all noticed the change, and finally one of them asked him the cause of it. "I am happier than usual to-day," said Jones, "and the reason of it is that I did three good things on my way down town this morning." He related the occurrence, and wound " up by saying, So I a deed of monument or head-stone over his remains, performed charity, started a little child on its to and but to place a marble slab, and on it have the way Paradise, got seven dollars for a counterfeit ten-dol- following inscription engraved thereon: good "Here lies an honest Lawyer." His wife lar bill. was astonished at such a and then request, Didn't said: "But, my dear, how will the public "Why He! know who it is?" One Sunday morning, Mr. Moody, the re- The husband then replied: "That when vivalist, entered a Chicago drug store distri- ' people read it they would say : Well, that's buting tracts. At the back of the store sat Strange.'" an elderly and distinguished citizen reading The Englishman arose in response to a a morning newspaper. Mr. Moody ap- toast, and said: "That before he gave the proached this gentleman and threw one of the toast, he would like to tell a story he heard temperance tracts upon the paper before him. ' ' while at a dinner in America. A prominent The old gentleman glanced at the tract, and lawyer, or barrister as we call it here, then, looking up benignantly asked: "Are which, of course is the correct title, lived at you a reformed drunkard ?" in Ohio few miles out- " one time Chicago, ; (a No, sir, I am not!" cried Moody, drawing side of New York,) his name was was back indignantly. mind the name for the as its never present ; "Then why in don't you reform?" of little consequence, called his wife to his quietly asked the old gentleman. bedside after he died, and requested her to put a plain tombstone on his grave and the following inscribed on the same: "Here "Who Makes the Laws- lies an honest Barrister." The wife was rather dumbfounded at the peculiar request AT a recent examination in a girls' school of her lord, and then remarked: the question was put to a class or little ones: "Why " John John I can't think of his last name, "Who makes the laws of our government? but as I said before, it's of little conse- "How is Congress divided?" was the next quence, and nothing to do with the story question, A little girl in the class raised her- "John, will the people at large know who it hand. "Well," said the examiner, "Misa is?" The husband then replied : "Why un- Sallie, what do you say the answer is?" when read that with an air of confidence, as well doubtedly, my dear, they Instantly, " will remark: "Well as the answer came: Civilized- simple epitaph, they triumph, thavs most extraordinary." half-civilized and savage." NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 77

His Sympathy. kerplunk down beside anybody look out for breakers." "I beg to apologize, miss," he replied. "Oh, you need'nt, you got off cheap. If you hadn't smashed the hat I'd have pulled $25 worth of hair out of your head anyhow." Everybody felt sorry for the man. He got into a seat at the end of the car, closed himself up like a jackknife, and every time the door opened what we could see of him turned pale for fear it was her brother Bill.

The Tunnel Joke. ONE while from to day traveling" Glasgow Carlisle, relates a writer in Scottish Nights," I enjoyed a pleasant joke, perpetrated by a wag of a fellow who was in the same com- partment. This young man appeared to be a commercial traveler, from the confident, sell- you-anything-you-like manner he had. His face was sallow and as grave as a priest's, but the twinkling light in his fine brown eyes showed the latent fun that was in him. Our companions were a young couple, apparently newly married, an old clerical-looking gentleman, and a solid looking farmer. The "SEE her kiss that ugly dog," said one young man looked calmly about him for a min-

to another in a in a ute or two, and then asked the husband : gentleman horse-car, " young" loud whisper, calling attention to a woman Ever been on this line before? ' ' " who was lavish with her endearments of a No ! he answered with a smile. " pet poodle. She overheard the comment, "Two awfully long tunnels ! solemnly said the unfortunate the and, glowering upon man, " stranger. said, in vinegary accents : "It won't hurt me Where?" asked the husband " " eagerly. if I do." I here is one ! the "Oh, beg your pardon, Madam ; Oh, replied stranger, as but my sympathy was wholly with the dog." we entered the Eglinton tunnel. During our .passage through the dark we He Mashed a " Hat. heard a faint "Oh John ! and a faint odor of ALONG about the middle of the coach was a spirits pervading the carriage. When we young lady, not a beautiful girl, but just emerged into the light the young couple sat ordinary, although she had a very jaunty hat looking as innocent as two doves, and the old and a sealskin sacque. A young man got on fellow opposite leaned back in his seat as if at Castile, who stood at the door and looked pleased with all the world. The stranger the over for a minute or two, and looked at as much as to passengers " significantly me, say, he then walked deliberately down the aisle Now we'll have fun?" and then, turning to and plumped himself down beside the girl. the bridegroom, said : As he did so there was a crash and a crush, "That is nothing to the one we will " pass and he sprang up to discover that he had Bat through in a little. down upon a bandbox and mashed it flat. For a moment or two all was silence, and "I'm so sorry so sorry!" he stammered then as we approached the bridge near Ruth- as he turned all sorts of colors. erglen, the stranger said : "Mister man," she replied as she inspected "Here we are again !" and laid himself back ' the ruin, 'have you got $12 in cash about you ?" on his seat with the air of a man about to sleep. "W-what! I really beg your pardon. In- In a second we were out into the light, and deed I did'nfr ," what a scene the carriage presented! The ' ' " Fork over ! she interrupted, holding out old fanner and the clergyman each had a her hand. flask half raised to their lips, and stared at "Twelve dollars!" each other in blank amazement, while the "Exactly. You have mashed a $12 bonnet, bride, blushing like a peony, did her best to and I want the money." look composed. Slowly and sadly the two old "But, Miss but ," fellows took their drinks, glaring at the "My brother Bill is forward in the smoking stranger the while, and the bridegroom looked car, and if you don't pay I'll call him! as if he could have eaten somebody. The There's nothing cheap about Bill. He'll knock young man lay back seemingly unconscious of of off chin before he the scene but the in his $50 worth jaw your gets ; dancing light eyes through with you." showed the mirth he was surpressing. I "I'll pay, Miss." laughed consumed ly, and ran great risk of "That's business. Fifteen dollars, eh! being murdered, but I could not help it, and Twelve from fifteen leaves three, and here's I never pass through a tunnel without re- the change and the hat. Next time you go to membering the tunnel joke. 78 NEW YABNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

A Happy Family. He was no such Person like dot,

With a fly screen under one arm and a bundle of sticky fly paper under the other, an honest agent entered a grocery store on Second avenue yesterday morning and said: " don't 'em out! ' " Why you "keep Who vash dot? asked the grocery man. "Why, the pesky flies. You've got 'em by the thousands in here, and the season has only begun. Shall I put fly screens in the doors? " "What for?" "To keep the flies out." "Why should I keep der flies out! Flies"1 like some chance to go aroundt und see our city der same as agents. If a fly is keep on der street all der time he might as well be a horse." "Yes, but they are a great nuisance. I'll put you up a screen door there for three dollars." " " "Not forme. If a fly vhants to come BE thim all Mrs. any your children, McSorley? himself I "Phwat! all moin! take me fer an in here and behaves have nothing " Thim D'ye Incubator? to say. If he don't behave I bounce him " oudt pooty qveek, and don't yer forget her ! "Well try this fly paper. Every sheet A Pint of Order. will catch five hundred flies." " Who vants to catch 'em?" A valued member of the Texas Legislature " I do you had died, and the House was paying tribute everybody?" "I don't see it like dot. If I dt to his memory. In an affecting speech a col- put fly on der counter somebody comes along league, in to the deceased, said : paper referring and his nose mit or leans "He left a front room unfortunately vacant vipes it, somebody his elbow on her und vhalks off mit him. It at the house of Widow Jones's on the aill, be shust like Shake to come in und whar it is fittin' to remark that the members yould my lick all der molasses off to a shoke on of this yer Legislatur are boarded at the play his fad der." price of four dollars a week, washin' not in- I'll and if it cluded." "Well put down a sheet, does not catch flies in five minutes I'll At this a tall member from Tom Green twenty " Mr. say no more." county shouted: Pint of order, Speak- r ' er!" No my agent friendht, flies must have a shance to get along und take some comfort. "The gentleman will state his'p'm the V I vhas poor once myseluf, and I know all Speaker replied. " " about it." Are it in order ? said the member, "for "I'll seven sheets for 10 cents." a man in a speech on to a dead man to ring in " give you but I won't do it. It looks to a boardin' house kept by his aunt and furn- Cxactly so, " me like a small beesnes for a big agent like ished by hisself ? you to go aroundt mit some confidence games to shwindle flies. A fly vhas born to be a fly He Could Not See The Joke, und to come into my sthore ash he likes. Vhen he comes shall treat.him like a shen- "WHICH would you rather have," said tleman, und I give him a fair show. I don't Jones to Brown, "a five-pound note or five " keep an ax to knock him in der hedt, undt sovereigns? I don't some molasses all ofer a sheet of "Seems to me there's no was put difference," baaper und coax him to come und be shtuck the reply. mit his feet till he can't fly away, You can "On, yes there is; I'd sooner have the note, pass along. I'm no such person like dot." for when you put it in your pocket you double and when take it out find it, " you you it in creases ! Both of Them Confused. Brown was so tickled with the riddle that he went into his club and promptly asked it THEY were passing under the elevated to the first man he came across. railroad, and the din overhead was almost "Give it up," said the latter hopelessly. deafening. "Why, the note, of course; for when "This bustle makes head "she said. you " my ache, put it in your pocket you fold it in half, and Probably," observed he, "if you were to when you take it out you find it all crumpled wear a smaller one ha, ha!" "Sir!" she indignantly cried. "I mean But his friend looked more hopeless than the noise confuses me." before, and to this day Brown can't make "I beg your pardon," stammered he. "I out why he did not see the joke. am confused too." NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 79

An Interesting Interview. A Midnight Accident. "Say, did you hear of Smithers' accident?" "Smithers? The chap who married a woman whose face would stop a Waterbury watch !" ' ' Yes. He always keeps a revolver under his pillow. Got up for a drink last night and was his back to bed when he ac- feeling way " cidently laid his hand on his wife's face

"And she shot him? Horrible !" . "No, no? Her face sprained his wrist?"/

He Knew "Mamma, I know the gentleman's name that called to see Aunt Ellie last night and " nobody told me, either. "Well, then, what is it, Bobbie?,' "Why, George Don't. I heard her say George don't in the parlor four or five times hand running. That's what his name is."

A Yankee at the Theatre. certain at a certain -" The Senator from Wayne County declined to On a occasion, drama- talk for publication." tic temple, a farce was in course of representation, and had just reached the scence where the lover enters seeking, almost distracted, his lady love. "Where, oh Heaven? where has my Julia fled?" exclaimed the actor, in despairing accents. A specimen of the genus Yankee, in the pit, now exhibited symptoms of impatience, and as the actor repeated his impassioned inquiry, he was answered by our Yankee with : " Right behind you, you darn fool, in the later patch!" The effect of this can be better imagined than described. The applause was tremend- ous.

3 "He accompanied our reporter down stairs, however."

Tit for Tat. Cross-examining Council: Isn't your husband a burglar?

Witness : Y-e-s Cross-Examining Council : And didn't you know he was a burglar when you married him? Witness: Yes; but I was getting a little old, and I had to choose between a burglar and a lawyer, so what else could I do? Beastly "Weather- " Is it raining, girls !" asked Fangle. "No," broke in Cuniso; "only cats and 3->" And ushered him into the street in his usuai dogs." courteous manner." 80 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

Straight Ahead- Did you ever hear a Man Crow. Going over on a Weekawken ferry-boat the other uay, was an old fellow attired in a,v 1840 sporting costume, the principal element of which was an Irish cape-coat reaching front his hat brim to his heels. His little ferret eyes snapped uneasily from under a pair of moustachio brows and it was evident that he was pining for somebody to talk to. That somebody, in the person of a Wash- ington market butcher came in presently and taking an adjourning seat opened the ball by that it was a wet remarking" day. Wet ain't no name for it," was the prompt rejoinder." it's a reg'lar soaker. Whar' yer from?" "Noo York." ' ' Sho ! I didn't know but what yer might be from Sennygamby. Did yer ever hear a 1 "Pools ! If those people would only keep their man crow?" and look where are " eyes open " they going they'd Wha-a-t?" never suffer " such Ever hear a man crow like a rooster?" "Git out!" " Betcher life, I kin." "Le's hear ye," and the marketman's eyes betrayed an overwhelming curiosity. "Costs a quarter, my friend, and if yer ain't satisfied, yer gits yer money back. If I can't crow ter beat any Shanghai you ever heard, I'll go 'n jump overboard. Thanks. Any one else wanter hear me?" Several coins were handed to the original professor, and an air of expectancy prevaded the cabin, as he prepared for the performance. Turning around sideways, and burying his chin deep down in the recesses of his collar, he let out a clear shrill " suddenly penetrating Cook-a-doo-dle-doq !" that was absolutely perfect in it's imitation of a big lunged barn- yard king, and his effort was followed by a 2. "W-o-w! Hi! Help!" thunder of applause with shook the boat. ' ' I told he said as his face came into view yer "so," Another Game Altogether. again. They ain't no flies on Grower Hal- Wanter hear another?'' remarked the "what is pin. "Well," Justice, More were and he was this man accused of?" quarters produced, " young to the feat when the butcher I him just going repeat caught playing poker, sir," replied a movement reached the policeman. by quick .spasmodic ' ' " ' ' down under the skirts of the great-coat and Yes, returned the Court ; but I have no a fine of a chanticleer If is all pulled specimen Jersey objections to poker you know. that ' ' with the terse remark : Say, friend, th' the charge against him I shall discharge him. next time you try a chicken bunco game, be What have you to say for yourself, young that pal keeps his tail feathers man?" partic'ler "your " from showin'. It was fortunate for the I was down with some friends of very sitting that even the boat was left mine, Your Honor, playing a friendly game Ferry Company " when the crowd followed that old man of cards. "Yes." ashore. had the table. It was We a jack-pot on She Was Padded. opened, and I came in on a pair of deuces. ' The man who opened it stood pat and bet ten What a plump figure Norah has !'* ' dollars, and I called him." Yes? If it were only her own !" ' "Called him on deuces? Twenty-five dol- Why, I saw her out yesterday, and I'll lars fine. Call the next." swear she was padded." ' " Yes," gasped the prisoner, but, I thought 'Oh, I don't think so." " ' pou didn't object to poker. But she was. She had Paddy Murphy's "I don't; but to call a man on deuces isn't arm." " " " poker. Call the next. Oh ! Paddied ! Very good. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 81

A Star explains his Position on the 'Amusing the Baby" Stage. OR CAUSE AND EFFECT. "We were playing in a small town, back in the seventies," said a theatrical man, ' ' when our leading heavy man had a rather tough experience. All the miners were in the theatre. Well, the heavy man had been persecuting a poor maiden through two acts. In the third act he came to the powerful ' ' scene of the play. At last,' he said, I have you in my power, and nothing on earth can save you. I, who was the slave, am now the master.' So saying he advanced toward his trembling victim. " ' Mercy!" she moaned. ' ' ' Mercy, ' he retorted. 'You had no mercy for me, and I will have none for you. ' "At that moment a gruff voice was heard ' from the gallery : You blamed varmint, 111 settle with you.' There was the crack of a pistol, and a bullet whizzed near the heavy ' mam. 'Plug the son of a gun, boys, continued the voice, and a shower of bullets saluted the stage villain. He didn't stop long, but fled from the stage. ' ' In the wing he met the stage manager, who was white with anger. ' ' You have broken up the scene, he said. 'Well ?' " ' 1. WIFE. Good John. I'll be back in about back to the and by, Go stage, sir, wait for three hours. Be sure you amuse the baby and keep your exit.' her quiet while I am gone. L know you'll enjoy ' 'I guess not. having her all to yourself." ' I tell you I won't have a man in my company who is so easily disconcerted. Go t>n with the scene, or you leave the company to-morrow.' ' ' That was serious. To be stranded in that forsaken town was calculated to make the man heavy"' appreciative. I'll go back,' he said. ' ' He tore off his wig just before going on, and, stepping down to the footlights with an injured expression of countenance, he said : ' ' ' Ladies and gentlemen (there were no ladies there, but that didn't matter,) with your kind permission I will resume, the scene. Before doing so, however, I want to call your attention to the fact that the young lady and myself are merely acting parts. In reality we are the best or friends. I bear you no ill win for your display of heroic chivalry? I trust, however, that you will curb your gen- erous sentiments, for if you should hit me the play would be interrupted, ii uny of the gentlemen will meet me after the sbo-vv at McCarty's they will find out that I am not a bad fellow.'

' ' Loud cheers greeted this speech and the play was resumed." 2. MOTHER (five years after) "Yes. Edna, that is your lather. When you were three months old I left him well and happy one afternoon--minding' He was here the next A Jewel of Honesty. you. brought day," Caller: Is Mr. Jones in? The New Servant Maid (a jewel of After the "Whipping. honesty " from the country): Yes. sir: but he's not Pa, why am I like Jonah?" well. He can't see " you. "I'm hanged if I know. Ill have to give 111, is he? I hope it's nothing serious." it up." "Not he's " very serious; drunk, sir." Because I've just been whaled." NEW YAJRNS AND FUNNI JOKES,

It cut Him Short. The Joke on the Joker. but rather A farmer drove up as we were sitting on A laughable embarrassing ca mistaken occurred the the side porch of the hotel, and after fasten- of indentity other day in one of Boston's retail ing his horse he came around to us, and be- largest stores. A who is a little too fond of gan : gentleman joking, ' ' the store for the Gentlemen, mebbe it so happens that one entered purpose of meeting his wife at a certain counter. of you is a preacher?" Sure enough, there stood a well to "VVe put in a denial one after another, and lady dressed, his eye, at like the woman he was after. he continued : least, just "Wall, the case is this. My hired man Her back was turned, and no one was near her so he took her the died He ain't got no friends ; quietly approached, by yesterday. in around here, and he didn't amount to much, arm, and said, a voice of simulated sever- here but we've got to hold some sort of a funeral ity; "Well, you are, spending your over .him. Kin ary one of you do any talk- money as usual, eh?" The face turned toward him ing!'' quickly was not his wife's it was that of an It was finally decided that an Ohio man. ; angry, acrid, who represented a windmill manufacturerj keen-eyed woman of about 50 years, who at- ' ' tracted the attention of in should do the right thing by the late lam- everybody that in ented, "and, that afternoon the landlord car- part of the store by saying, a loud, shrill ried us out to the farmhouse in a voices wagon. ' ' five No, I ain't or no Four or farmers had assembled, a grave spending" your money had been dug down on some waste land near other man's and I'll * the and the coffin was the "I beg your pardon, madam," cried the railroad, cheapest ' ' affair to be had for the money. It was evi- confused gentleman, I supposed you were and " dent that the deceased hadn't laid by any my" wife, cash for such an occasion. When all was Well, I just ain't your wife, nor no man's be ready for the windmill man he stepped out wife, thank fortune, to jawed at every from his chair and pitched the tune and we time I buy a yard of ribbon ! I pity your wife if round her like did me. joined in singing. Then he said : you go shaking you " If I was My friends, death is a sad thing. It must her, I'd" The waited to hear no come to all, Our poor friend here was hard- chagrined joker more, but his out of the the ly prepared for death when he took to his made way shop amid bed. He had been carrying water to the titers and sly chuckles of those who had wit- nessed the confusion. stock a long distance, and this exertion 'pulled him down. Had this farm been sup- ' (plied with one of our None Such' windmills, Suicide Anyhow. warranted to pump 150 gallons of water per " Bore : do think minute, this man's life might Antiquarian "Now, you " on a the Cleopatra really killed herself with an asp?" Hold bit," interrupted farmer, as ' ' " Business Man (rudely) : of course he rose up. I've got that very windmill on N-o, not. Most while in search of this farm, and it was owing to the blamed likely, youth and she tried somebody's Elixir of thing being out of order and then falling down beauty, Life." that Jim got his death. This hain't much of a funeral, gentlemen, but what there is of it has got to be straight, Proceed, brother, His Mind was Elsewhere. and perhaps you'd better skip windmills and new in kids?" the git in sunthin' about our loss bein' his "Anything inquired grain, while on her the good die young, death cometh to the stylish young lady shopping '" high and low, and so on. tour. " the salesman absent- But the windmill man had lost his grip, Yes," replied polite "twins last I and he led off with the "Doxology" and mindedly, night beg your par- closed the business in seven minutes from the don" start. But the stylish young lady was out of sight. "RACKET."

Another Sort of Thing. Must be New. Miss Arabella Liepyer I do not mind your Old Lady I'd like to git a pair o' shoes, poverty, George. Until your fortunes mend, young man. I could be in wealth of affection Polite Clerk Yes, ma'am. happy your ; Something pret- and in some vine-clad cottage ty nice, ma'am? Mr. Pardon Old I want 'em 'n' stout. Wardoff me, dear ; you know Lady good I am only a poor city clerk, and cottages are Polite Clerk Well, ma'am, here's a strong out of the question. Do you think you could shoe, an excellent strong shoe. It has been be happy in a third-floor-back furnished worn a great deal this winter room, with a sewing machine buzzing over- Old Lady Man alive, I don't want no head and some fiend below cooking cabbage? shoes that's been worn this winter nor any Miss Arabella May be, George, dear, we'd other winter; I want a bran' new pair!" better wait, after all. Piick. Puck. YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 83

The Latest Snap. Times Had Changed. AtSumter, S. C., there was a large crowd of colored people at the depot as the train pulled in. An old bald-headed Uncle Jerry had his head out of the coach set apart for colored passengers, and a man on the platform recognized him and called out: "Hello, Misser Stivers ! is dat yo'?" The old man looked straight at Mm, but made no response. ' ' Hello ! Misser Stivers !" No response. "Say, Misser Stivers, has yo' losted yo' hearing?" persisted the man, as he drew nearer. 1 "Boy, was yo' talkin' to me?' demanded the old man. ' ' Sautin. What's de matter ?" does want of me?" ""Boy, yo' anything how yo' talk ! Reckon has Why, " yo' got 1. Bob Samson "You ought to buy one of these de hoodoo. health pulls, Charley. You grasp the handles, lean ' ' Does and then yo' evidently reckon yo' knows forward, go me?" ' ' Of co'se I knows yo'. Yo' is ole man Sti- vers."

' "When did yo' know me?" ' ' Last fall. Why, I dun worked wid yo* fur three months," ' ' An' when yo' dun worked wid me what was la-doin'?" "Driven' dem mewls for Kurnel Johnson." "Exactly, sah. But I want yo' to under- stan' dat dere is a heap o' difference atwixt driven' dem mewls fur Kurnel Johnson an'

ridin' on de kivered kyars along wid white < folks. I might a-knowed yo' last fall, sah, but if yo' now desiah to permeate any along- ated cpnversashun wid me yo' mus' git some 'sponsible gem'len to introduce yo'?"

How he sold them- 2. -Back!' Lady of the House : I don't need any of Improved Fly-Paper. your burglar alarms. That's just what the nest Inventor I would like to interested Agent: lady get you door said. in my fly-paper. improved Lady of the House (on the alert) : Said Capitalist What makes you think it will what? be successful? Agent : That it was no use of me calling Inventor Because it's gotten up in imita- here, as you wouldn't need any, because you tion of a bald head. Life. had nothing to steal, but I thought I Lady of the House (gritting her teeth): His First Offense. Give me three. "RACKET." Mr. Cash "Mr. were absent Cypher, you Flexible without leave yesterday." Keyholes. Mr. Cypher "Yes, sir. I was married "Anything else, sir?" asked the hardware very unexpectedly yesterday." clerk. Mr. Cash "Well, sir, you will please see "Well, yes," mused Dusenberry. "I'd that it does not occur again." like to have some flexible keyholes. The trouble I bave in getting my latch-key to fit depresses me every night." He had it. " Quit Your wife, I suppose ' ' " Do you ever go to bed with cold feetf Oh, the bother is n't with her, but with asked the the who their heads 3ut of " physician. " neighbors, poke No," replied the patient. My wife died the windows and laugh at me. Keyholes that seven years ago, and I never remarried." will enlarge and ensmall, assorted sizes, "liACKET." please." YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

A. Straw Sleigh Bide. it was natural that they gnouict fwl extreme- dissatisfied with him, Dut it was scarcely THE essential of a "straw ly ingrediments for them to treat him with cold disdain. " from fifteen to just sleigh ride are twenty-five one and women, a box without The conduct of particular young lady young men sleigh whom he and whom he and a of straw. There is one admired, provided seats, quantity with an extra brick, pierced him to the heart. serious drawback to the pleasure of such an She sat on a snow bank and re- excursion. The cold will penetrate the bot- persistently fused to be comforted, or to concede that he tom of the in of the straw, and sleigh spite was not a brute. When will exercise a influence the hateful, unfeeling chilling upon the of bricks was thrown out mirth and of the On this cargo finally geniality party. and the resumed their in the occasion a man girls places particular thoughtful young the whole of the excursion undertook to means for keeping the sleigh, pleasure provide was wrecked, and the young man, ladies thoroughly warm, and the lat- manifestly who had exiled himself to the driver's seat, ejungr unreserved confidence in his wis- placed felt that he was a combination of half a dozen dom and skill. distinct and infamous kinds of criminals. Everybody knows that bricks when thoroughly heated and wrapped up in paper will preserve their warmth for many hours. The young man determined to warm the young The way She Surprised Him. of the with and ladies sleighing party bricks, His wagon was heavily loaded and it stuck an elaborate calculation arrived at the by in the mud. He pulled, he twisted, he beat conclusion that each should re- young lady the horses, he roundly swore. He did every- four bricks. As the was to con- quire party thing he could think of, but most of all, he sist of eleven girls and seven young men, beat the horses. He was aware that two less than he laid in no forty-four bricks, women were watching him, and presently hours in all of which he heated for several one of them came wading out through the the furnace of the town hall an subsequently mud straight toward him. in the bottom of the ' ' ' placed sleigh, having Now, hyur comes one o' them preven- mrst them in At about wrapped paper. eight tion o' cruelty t' animals' fiends," he reflect- in the the received its " jo'clock evening sleigh ed, an' if I don't give 'er th' biggest piece o' and the man was ov- precious freight young my mind she ever saw, then my name haint erwhelmed with thanks for his thoughtful McGintry ! It's high time these 'ere females conduct in the ladies from protecting young was set down on, an' I'm a-going ter show from the bricks was at the cold. The heat ye how to do it." first exceedingly welcome, but after a time He struck the rail, with which he had been a certain uneasiness on the part of the young inviting the horses to proceed, into the mud, ladies was manifested. They conversed in folded his arms and faced the enemy. an absent-minded and man- look-ee 'ere miss, "he threat- preoccupied "Now, " began, ner and evinced that constant tendency of eningly, I don't want none o' yer preachin.* uneasy movements which is said by scien- Thet wagon's stuck in thet mud, 'n this fence tific persons to characterize a hen when plac- rail 's a-goin' to lam them horses till they ed on a hot gridle, although there is no au- pull 't out, if it takes till sundown, 'n' all the thenic record that any such brutal experi- preachin' you er any other female c'n do ment has ever been tried. A little later and hain't a-goin' to prevent it !" the girls abandoned all attemps to join in The lady smiled. "I was going to sug- general conversation and whispered togeth- gest," she said, producing a stout hickory, er with every appearance of anxiety and that I should whip the horses with this alarm. Presently they began one accord to while you pried the wheel with the rail. It grope nervously and stealthily in the straw will not hurt the wheel so much as it does and several of them suddenly shrieked and the horses, and will do more good." blew quite violently upon their fingers. At "Y'u cud a-knocked me down 'ith a feath- last the much astonished young man was er," he said, when he was telling it to the- unanimously called upon with frenzied ener- "boys." "Wy, she was a whole s'ciety fer '* ,gy to instantly stop the sleigh, and as soon th'prevention o' cruelty to animals, herself. 'as the order was obeyed the young ladies West Shore. sprang out with a haste that disdained any masculine assistance. The smell of singed Not that Kind of Man. paper had by this time suggested an explanation of the mystery, and the demand which Harry (horrified at seeing Kate puffing at was presently made that every brick should be a cigarette) Mercy! Do you smoke, Kate? thrown out of the sleigh left no doubt in the Kate Not because I enjoy it, Harry. I mind of the young man. He burned his fin- want to fill the room with smoke, so that gers severely while handling the bricks, but should a burglar break in, he'll think there's ne cared not for his own physical pain. The a man in the house. thought that instead of making the girls com- Harry Well, you're only losing your time fortable he had inflicted upon them the tor- and soiling your lips. A man never smokes tures of St. Lawrence, filled him with humil- cigarettes leastwise no man that a burglar iation. The girls were merely human, and need be afraid of. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 85

A Night in a Sleeper. "It was about the fifty-ninth time that ' ' ' Yustav 'It seemed as if the devil had broken loose Du, had been begun, when sudden- the our last said the ly head of a thin-faced man, with small among passengers night," black conductor of the to two of his eyes and a big black frown, protruded sleeping-car from the comrades. "We had the liveliest kind of a curtains of a birth next to that occupied Fritz. He was a nerv- time pretty nearly all night. Oh, I could by evidently ous man, and it was also evident that he was *plit my sides laughing when I think of the iwo the nervous and the old wrought up to the highest pitch. Dutchmen, man, 'You lame in berth 10. Then there was the bald- dodgasted Dutchman,' he cried, ' furiously, who in the name of aeaded man, too. Ha, ha ! ensanguined Hades can a wink ''You want the yarn, do you? Well, I'll be- get of sleep with that in- ; fernal and r; n by telling you that we had a big load yaw-ing naw-ing dinging in one's ears? It's I t.iat is, a big load of passengers. We were so worse, swear, than two tabby- lull that in several cases we made two friends cats on a house-top. You've kept it long occupy the same berth. The first incident enough. Shut up, now, both of you, or I'S that occurred to make things lively was a build a head on you as big as Pike's Peak.' row a of or, rather, , "Murmurs ap- sort of outburst of proval of this popular indigna- threat came from tion against the behind several cur- pest of the sleep- tains in the immed- ing-car, the restless iate vicinity. For chatterbox. It was a few minutes there a little after elev- was quiet But en o'clock, and we presently Fritz's were bowling along voice was heard - at the rate of forty again : five miles an hour. '"Du Yustav!' Most everybody "'Chaw.' had retired to their "'Votvas it dot berths and were feller say apout der trying to get to Bike's Beak ?" sleep. "'Haw?', "They were ser- <"Vot dot feller iously disturbed in der Bike's Beak this a attempt by apout"' say?' couple of German Op I know dei* fellows who occu- Pike's apout?' pied upper berths "'Yaw.' close together, and "'Naw.' ' who persisted in "'N jabbering away to "At this instant each other. Had the curtains of the they talked Ger- nervous man's man it would have berth flew wide been bad enough ; apart, and the ner- but, like most for- vous man sprang eigners who cannot out upon the floor. speak our lingo, He stepped up to they chose to talk Fritz's berth. All English in prefer- the fury of his ence to their own manner had dis- language. And never has English been worse appeared, and had been replaced by a maltreated than it was by those two fellows. sort of calm, cool, determined deliberation. As for the nature of the conversation it was There was a glitter, though, in his eyes just of that kind which is calculated to put which was not pleasant to look at. " ' murder in the heart of the man who is com- See here, Mr. Dutchman,' he said, very ' to listen to it. It like this : it's a of either pelled was slowly and quietly ; question ' Du, Yustav !' you or me leaving this car, If this thing 'Chaw.' were kept up much longer there would be a ' ?' here that's what's the Kaun you schliep, you homicide ; matter. 'Haw!' Either you'd pitch out of the window, or I ' Kaun you schliep ?' would. Now, shall I murder you, or will ' Op, I schliep kaun 1" you murder me ? Which is it to be ?' 'Yaw.' "After some little argument between Fritz ' Naw ?' and the nervous man, the affair came to an Or the talk might turn something like this : end something in this wise : ' ' ' ' Du, Yustav !' Shall we stay here to be murdered in 'Chaw.' der gombany's gar?" 86 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

we here stay shall und murtered be?' ed unprotected women.' She said that he 'Op ' 'Yaw.' ought to be lynched, and would be if there 'Naw.' were any men around.' At last she was ' ' Den we stay up und go smoke a piper?' calmed down a bit and her story was got out "Yaw.' of her. She was occupying the berth with "Yaw. 1 her servant-girl. She had been awakened by 'A few minutes later, followed by wither- some one trying to get into the berth. She ing looks from the nervous man, the two had at once seized the intruder by the ears Germans were heavily plodding their way and had called for assistance. toward the smoking-car. "'And very effectually you did it, too, ' "For a time there was peace and quietude madam,' remarked the nervous man. Con- in the sleeper. The car-lights burned with a sidering the disturbance that has been made, dim and yellow light as the train rushed I don't Know but what ye're right in that through the darkness with a gentle swaying there remark as to there being a call for a motion. minutes had case of in this car.' Scarcely twenty elaps- " lynching ed from the time of the Germans' departure The bald-headed man protested. He told when suddenly a loud, piercing shriek rang his story. He had engaged a berth, which through the car. In an instant curtains were he was to occupy with his nephew. The lat- dashed aside to make way for sleepy-looking ter had left him some tune before to go to all the attaches of the car who were their as he He had fin- heads ; berth, thought. just on duty came running forward, and the ished reading his book in the parlor-car and voice of the nervous man was heard in angry had come in to go to bed. He thought he this as in protest : recognized berth his, and the semi- '"In the name of a thousand furies,' he darkness it was impossible to distinguish the ' cried, what's the matter now? Has the en- figure in the berth from that of his nephew. gine burst her boiler or is it somebody that?' Just as he had put his head in he had been cut one of those infernal Dutchman's throats seized by the ears and the screaming had be- All this car needs is a throttle-valve and a gun. He really thought that the devil had stretch of river to turn it into a first-class taken possession of him. Such a vicious and unreasonable wretch of a woman it had never calliope.'" In the meantime the initial scream had been his misfortune to come across before ! been repeated several times with added ener- And the old gentleman put his hand feelingly and The screams came from to his ears. gy strength. " outraged berth 10, from which could be seen protrud- What was the number of the gentleman's ing a pair of legs and the coat-tails or a stout berth? Number 14. Oh, yes, that was two man. The colored porter seized these coat- berths futher up. And the porter took the tails and asked their owner what the matter old gentleman in hand and showed him the was. In reply there came a smothered voice way. His nephew was not yet in bed? No: exclaiming : he had been in the car a few minutes before, '"There's a devil in my berth and she's and had remarked that he would join some got me by the ears.' gentlemen in a game of cards in the smoker. This remark was supplemented by another With an angry glance toward berth No 10, shrill scream and an shrill the old clambered into bed. equally voice, " gentleman which cried put : It seemed that the elderly lady had some "'Take him away, take him away! the difficulty in getting to sleep, after the excite- villain, the scoundrel !' ment. Anyway, in less than half an hour "The porter squeezed his head into the after her encounter with the elderly gentle- berth and a moment later was heard saying : man, she was seen to emerge from her berth "'Perhaps if you stopped screaming, and go farward, presumably bent on a visit to ma'am, and let go of the gentleman's ears, he the ice water tank. Before starting out, she may be able to get himself out.' loosely pinned a pocket-handkerchief with a '"Oh, the rascal! the villain !' cried the violet border to the curtains of her berth, so shrill female there." that she should have no in " voice, difficulty recogniz- At this moment there was an exclaimation ing her resting-place on her return. Hardly of agony from the owner of the legs, as if his was her back turned when the two Germans, ears had been violently wrenched, followed Gustav and Fritz, came blundering back to by an agitation of the coat-tails. The next their beds. In passing number 10, Fritz instant a bald head and a very red face were clumsily knocked against the handkerchief, withdrawn from the berth. Glancing into brushing it away with his shoulder. It the vacancy just made, we all perceived an dropped on his arm, and after having been elderly lady, thin and grim-looking, and with carried a few steps by him. fell to the ground. her hair done up in crimps, sitting half up- In so doing it attracted Gustav's attention. in right the berth. Beside her lay another He pointed to it, and Fritz picked it up and female form. saw- the pin sticking in it. ' ' " ' Hastily throwing a shawl over her head Where it belongs?' he asked of Utav. and about her scraggy shoulders, the old "'Where belongs it?' dame just opened on Mr. Baldhead for all she "Yaw.' was worth. ' " She called him a mean, coward- 'Daw,' replied Gustav, pointing sleepily ly villain, a shameless old scamp, who insult- to the curtains opposite which it had fallen.. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 87

' ' In another instant Fritz had pinned the The usual good Time. handkerchief with the violet border to the " Did you have a good time at the picnic, curtains of number 14. " Libbie?" Five minutes later the re- elderly lady elegant /" She in front of where the "Oh," appeared. stopped What 'd you do?" violet bordered handkerchief She hung. "Oh, everything" parted the curtains and with a chilly shiver "But what?" into the crawled hastily berth, we in ' ' "Well, swung hammocks, and had a Fully twenty-five minutes must have lovelv time." after the had their elapsed Germans sought "What else?" when from number 14 respective berths, we in and Mr. there came an "Oh, swung swings, Lilly- unearthly, blood-curdling bud me ever so We had a love- followed exclaimations in a swung high. shriek, by angry ly time?" bass. the car attaches rushed " deep Again Do anything else?" forward, again affrightened and sleepy heads "Oh, yes; lots of things waded in the appeared from behind curtains, again was brook in our bare feet. Just think ! it the voice of the nervous man to be heard Oh, up- was awful !" raised in a and outburst of awfully jolly flowing prolonged "What else?" The curtains of number 14 were ' ' profanity. we tennis and had a torn the and the OH, played splendid apart by porter, elderly lady time." and the bald-headed man were found strug- "That all?" desperately in each other's arms. With ' ' gling Oh, we got bushels of daises. It was some difficulty they were torn apart and as- ! We them all around our hats sisted from the berth. The was lovely strung elderly lady and all the boys put them in their button- speechless with rage, the bald-headed man holes. Oh. it was jolly fun !" was almost angry. He to " equally managed Do anything else?" get the floor first. " ' no we flirted I never I think I am in own berth this "Oh, fearfully! my time,' fun. to ' had so much You ought have he cried I have not moved from it since I really ; gone !" got in. This is a conspiracy, I say. I shall " ' Do anything else?" sue this company for loss of character. ' ' Oh, yes everything you can thing of to "'What?' screamed the elderly lady. ' have a jolly good time. It was This old villain? Where is just perfectly your berth, you !" the Where are Jane?' splendid girl? you. Mary I ' ' ' "Glad did n't go," said Miss Kittie as she Here, if you please, ma'am, answered " walked awav, "same old thing over again. the girl, her head protruding from the curtains of number 10, ' ' ' What are in that you doing berth, you Even Up. hussy?' ' ' : I'll retract I ''Please, ma'am, this is our berth. I have Husband that remark made ' not stirred from it sincewe went to this morning about feminine curiosity f " sleep. 'Sure enough,' put in the porter, with a Wife : And are n't women in every way broad grin, 'that's your berth, ma'am, and more curious than men ?" ' Husband : No I that this 'ere berth belongs to this gentleman. ; saw something ' ' My berth his berth in the berth with changed my mind to-day. On my way down I saw a man on the corner ! town a man Mary Jane Oh oh ! oh ! standing ap- ' And the elderly lady was in hysterics. parently trying to decipher the letters on a " ' small near the roof of a I shall sue this company !' repeated the sign high building. bald-headed man, with austerity. Every man that passed the spot stopped to ' 'Sue this company? Sue this company, gratify his curiosity about what the first man is it?' howled the nervous man, with dilating saw to gaze at so steadfastly. Soon the side- ' eyeballs. Well, I should smile if we wouldn't. walk was blocked but there was not a wom- Call this dodgasted den a sleeping-car, do an in the crowd. they ? All that's needed here is a pinch of Wife : No ? brimstone and a pitchfork to convert it into Husband : No. They stopped on the op- corner it first-class Inferno?' posite ; was nearer. "The lull of silence which followed the nervous man's was broken stormy anger by He Didn't Miss Her. two voices from the upper berths : ' ' ' Du, Yustav, kaun you schliep you mit Mr. Smith : You feel the loss of your wife ill dot noise?' as keenly as you did three months ago, do ' 'Op I mit all dot noise schliep kaun?' you not, Brother Jones ? "'Yaw?' Brother Jones (a widower) : The truth " is, 'JXaw!'" Brother Smith, I do not. I missed her for a month, but, since I have been putting a piece of zinc in bed SHE me her my every night, everything ap- gave precious bathing breeches, as real as if wife was Dear little things without any pocket, pears my poor lying with her feet the of j. promised to treasure their sweet sacred stitches against small my back. Shut tight in the back of a pretty goM locket. Arcola Record. 88 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

"I'm afraid it's you who will want to do that." "Will I ? You can make whatever penalty you like," twinkled. "All right. McCullough's eye " You must marry me if you don't play. It was a bold venture, but the belle stood it. "Agreed," she said. "And if you fail, why ahem ' She paused, for the first time realizing the situation. "I'll marry you?" exclaimed McCullough, ' ' gallantly. To-morrow I will send you an acting of the play, and you can begin to copy " study your part at once. But the play never came off. There were a few rehearsals, but the actual performance, it was soon seen, would have to be postponed indefinitely. Miss seemed never able to get "letter perfect."

He got it to his Satisfaction. Among the passengers on a Western train, recently was a woman very much pverdress< ed, accompanied by a bright-looking nurse^ girl and a self-willed tyrannical boy of about three years. The boy aroused the indignation of the passengers by his continual shrieks and kicks and screams and his viciousness toward his A Miik Shake. patient nurse. He tore her bonnet, scratched her hands and finally spat in her face, McCullough's Marriage Bargain, without a word of remonstrance from the mother. To show the sort of standing McCullough Whenever the nurse manifested firm- was in with our best I will mention any society, ness the mother chided her a little incident about him which I don't sharply. Finally the mother herself for a and think has ever been made before. At composed nap, public about the time the had the nurse a dinner party at one of the then leading boy slapped for the fifth time a came in and families he and one of the belles of the wasp sailing day flew on the window of the nurse's seat. The were among the guests with others. During at once tried to catch it. dinner Miss said in the course of con- boy The nurse caught his hand and said coax- versation on the theatre : "Mr. do think I would ingly : McCullough you musn't touch. bite make a good actress ?" "Harry, Bug Harry." " screamed and to Think it ?" said in his Harry savagely began " he, positive way ; kick and the nurse. I know it." pound The mother without opening her eyes or "Suppose I did go on the stage, would you her head cried out : act with me ?" lifting sharply do tease that child ? "Indeed, I would." He for a "Why you so, Mary " thought Let him have what he wants at once." minute. I'll tell you what. Suppose we " But it's a get up 'A morning call.' It's a " ma'am, two-part Let him have I comedietta. You Mrs. and it, say." play Chillington clutched at I will be Sir Edward Ardent." Thus encouraged, Harry the " and it. The scream that follow- Oh, will ?" clapping her hands. wasp caught you of to the "'Deed I ed it brought tears joy passengers' " will." But where shall we do it ? At the Cali- eyes. The mother awoke again. fornia ? I'm afraid I shall never muster " up she "let him have it !" courage for that." Mary," cried, " turned in her seat and said, confused- Oh, no. We'll try it here, if Mrs. Mary will allow to the "here in ly: it," bowing hostess, " He's ma'am." the parlor." got it, "When ?" He'd Proved It. "Just as soon as you can learn your part. I ' ' only make one condition. You must be Angelina But, Harold, are you quite letter perfect." sure you can support me?" "What's that ?" Harold "Sure? haven't I '* Why, support- Know every letter of it." ed you for hours nearly every evening for "You won't back out ?" months past?" NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 89

Mashed both Sides. Survival of the Fittest. In going out of Savannah the cars were pretty well crowded, but a drummer for a Philadelphia house had preempted two whole seats just the same, and was taking things mighty cool. Just after leaving the depot he went into the car ahead on some errand, and he had no sooner disappeared than the drummer for a New York house took the vacated seats. He removed all the baggage to the aisle and put his own on the seat, and he was reading a paper when the Philadelphian returned. ' ' By heavens ! but you are a cool one !" he as he took in the situation. gasped" " Thanks, replied the other, as he lifted his hat. "Please repeat in a loud voice, so that all can hear." "W-what do you mean ?" ' ' Speak of the coolness of the thing as loud as you can. It will be a big ad. for me." "An ad ?" ' ' Certainly. I represent the artificial ice machines of Blank, Blank & Co., and you can throw me $500 worth of and " advertising not hurt yourself a bit. ' ' I'll see you and your machines and your ice in first !" exclaimed the Philadelph- ian, and he gathered up his traps and took half a seat and sulked for the next fifty miles.

A Popular Courtesy Ignored. ' ' There are very few smokers who will hesitate to ask an utter stranger for a match, and men who might pass each other on the street everyday for weeks without even a ' ' nod of recognition, will exchange lights in a smoking car without the slightest restraint." So spoke a young man to a group of friends the other day. " "But," he continued, I met a man yesterday on the cars who was an exception to the rule. I was passing through the smoker with a cigar all ready to light, I felt in my pocket for a match. He gave me a cold stare, and paid no attention to my request." "Was he deaf ?" asked one of the crowd. "No, he was handcuffed, and I felt like a thief when I discovered it, too," was the sad reply.

An Uncommon Disease. ' ' of l Here's an account a hen which layed ^N rr"* <;- v/s-racD C^D cr c_z; * three eggs at once, and then died," remarked Mrs. Sumway. "From over-eggsertion, probably," com- mented her husband.

Two Objects.

Charming Widow : And what are you doing now-a-days ? He out for ; Oh, amusing myself ; looking number one. And you ? Widow : Looking out for number two. 90 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

Ending the War. "I trust that he died happy, and in the faith ?" As we lay facing the rebel linos around I don't he did. He wasn't that last winter of the war, the "Well, believe.; Petersburg one of that kind." men in the rifle pits refrained from firing at each when ordered to do so "Yes ahem yes," he stammered, greatly other, except out her " must to cover some new movement. One night by replies, you keenly Eut?el and in bereavement I was in a about half a mile from what is your loss, your you pit should turn " known as the "crater," and I soon found ' ' " "What bereavement ?" she demanded. that there was a Johnny in a pit facing " The death of husband." me, and only a stone's throw away. Every- your "See here, sir !" she answered as she turn- thing was quiet in that neighborhood, and I " had been in the about an hour when he ed to face him, my husband was about the pit meanest and most on called out : contemptible reptile " earth. I lived with him for five and Say, Yank, what about this hyar wah ?" years, ' he made a hell of Then I 'What do you mean ?" every day. applied for a divorce and had the "When are you 'uns gwyne to quit ?" paia lawyer $50, when the sneak and died and left free, "When you are licked out of your boots." up me " but out of docket. I've put this Shoo ! you can't do it in a hundred mourning on to and see his mother and settle some years." go " and when I back it Well, we are going to keep trying." property matters, get goes into the rag bag. Don't talk to me about be- He was quiet for a few minute, and said : reavements. I don't feel that "Say, Yank, this is an awful wah ?" way." "Yes." ' Heaps o' good men being killed." ' "' Yes Disgusted "With the Men. ' Heaps o' property gwine to wreck." The was on the street-car th 'Yes,* dignified girl ' other and her lower out Does you uns lay it to me ?" evening, lip pouted as if she were at odds with 'Well, you are helping to keep the war go- things generally. "You seem out of said her ing." " sorts," companion ?' And I hadn't orter ?" stenographer, what is the matter?" "Oh," " " Of course not. replied the dignified girl, I get sick of men and their are "And if I should come over to you uns it ways. They messy ; they sling all over the office and loll about on the might end this fussing ?'' paper ' 'It would desks and chairs in such undignified attitudes. help." smoke "Wall, seems that way to me. TPears to They and chew; we have fourteen drummers who into our office and be sort o' duty. If I kin stop this bloodshed come only one of the fourteen has ever had the an' won't do it then I'm onnery mean, hain't courtesy I?" to ask me if cigar smoke is offensive to me. Then are talk such nonsense- "You are." they silly ; they " 16 old wouldn't of. It Hain't got no true speerit in me, eh ?" as years girls be guilty "No." is all about neckties, new hats, ballets, good " and so on. If think is th Then I guess I'll come. I'm headin' right dinners, you man some time in fur you, and do you be keerful that your gun superior animal, you just spend don't go off." a business office with assorted sizes of him and will see. I am to believe He came to my pit, bringing his gun along, you begining that a dime novel is better and as I passed him to the rear he said : trashy society " the and This ends the wah and I'm powerful glad than averge man equally improving," of it. Reckon your Gineral Grant will be surprised when he wakes in the mawnin' an' finds the rebellion all petered out and me The Road to a Man's Heart. Yankee hard tack " a-eating A girl in town married a very particular and exciting young man six months ago. Didn'tfFeel that Way. Her girl friends predicted at the time she There was a woman about midway of the would fail to satisfy him, and that conse- car who was dressed in widow's weeds, and quently they would not live together six her mourning looked so fresh that any one months. That period having elapsed and could argue that she had but lately laid her their being no evident signs of any separa- husband to rest. By and by a passenger, tion beeween the happy pair, the girl friends whose white choker and sleek cut proved his felt called upon to visit the young wife and profession, felt it his duty to go over to her, ask her how she had managed to please the a Bible in his hand, and as he sat down be- young man who had never Deen known to be side her he said : before. all their " pleased Mustering impudence Madam, I see you have met with a loss ?" they called upon her in a body and asked for "Have I?" she as she turned on her secret. ' ' What is the asked. replied " recipe?" they him. We may need it." "Your husband has been laid away?" "Well, I'll tell she "if you," replied," you'U "Yes." never tell. Feed the brute. NEW YABNS AND FUNNY JOKES. \)L

What a Cigar Did. One man out with his gun and was going to shoot, but two or three of us drew him away and talked to him, and finally cooled him off. The most solid argument we advanced was that if he killed the operator we could get no news of the train, and would be even worse off than we were. This argument was what decided him, and five hours later the train came along and we got aboard. We were all seated together and had got a fair start when someone observed: "That opertor had a narrow " escape." Yes, I meant to- shoot him," replied the man who had pulled his ' ' gun, but these gentlemen argued that in case I did we could not hear from the train at all." "Thunder!" gasped a third. "Why, I'm an old operator myself, and had you shot him I was all ready to locate that train in five minutes." "Then may I be tee- totally kicked to death by jackass rabbits !" groaned the would-be slayer, and he leaned back and nursed his disappointment, an d would not speak to any of us for the next three hours.

THERE is no one so is the Ill sure that honesty best policy as the man who is in jail for stealing. And the man who A lost Opportunity. has lost his good money can readily see the ' Six men of us had come out of the mines in wrong of gambling. Montana to take a train for the East, but the train we intended to take met with an accident and was several hours late. The station Two mean Men. was a small one, the weather very bad, and after a while one of the party went to the A man of a very selfish turn of mind was beer in a when a agent, who was also the telegraph operator, drinking a glass of saloon, him out of the and asked how long before we might expect very important business called the train. locality for some minutes. To save his half- " beer he Dunno," was the brief reply. emptied glass of against intruders, under it with the follow- "You don't? Well, then, find out!" ex- put a piece of paper claimed the other. ing legend : " r' When I do I'll let you know." In this beer I have spit !" our hero was much hor- "Oh, you will, eh? Now, then, you ask Coming back very Rosenberg if the train has left there yet." rified to read the postscription : "I'll be if I do!" "So have I!" NEW YARNS A ND FUNNY JOKES.

A Fanner's First Deposit. It was a Plot. a bank at the They had opened Medina, A stranger entered a well-known saloon G.S of the first one in the history town, and one Woodward Avenue the other day, and aftw in day after it was good running order, imbibing a weak drink he said to the proprie- Farmer Adams hitched his horse and wagon tor looked to see if ' ' in front of the building, the I want to wait here a few minutes for g crock of butter and basket of eggs were safe man who borrowed some money of me.' the He was well and entered building. known He was motioned to a chair, and when &n to all of the and each had a word for officials, hour had passed away he was asked as he entered. He looked around him " him Are you a stranger in the city?" in wonder, and then addressed himself to the "Yes, sir." President: 1 ' Did you lend money to a stranger to and "Wall, Steve Smith, you've gone you?" opened a bank, eh ?" "I did." "Yes."' " " How much?" Git a reg'lar charter ?" "Forty dollars." "Oh," yes." "Humph! Under what circumstances?" Got so that robbers can't the ' ' things git Said he had a freight bill to pay and money ?'' couldn't into the bank. He gave me this "Yes." get check for 200 dols. to hold as security. Said I've know- "Wall, now, look-a-here, Steve, he'd meet me here at eleven o'clock,' ed a time, haven't I ?" " you long My friend, you have been bamboozled." "You have, Mr. Adams." "No!" "Knowed when father runoff " you your Yes, you have. This is the old freight and left the as hard as a family up spring bill dodge. That check is worthless, and coon with a broken ?" leg you'll never see the man &gain." "Yes." ' ' But I can't believe that. He looked hon- ' ' Knowed when and you you growed up est and talked straight." married Hannah ?" ' ' Taylor So they all do. Sorry for you, but "Yes." you " must read the papers." How is Hanner and the ones ?" ' ' young ! I don't to be thank Say pretend awfully smart, "Well, you." but I'll bet that was honest." ' ' chap That's proper, but what I was goin' to ' ' You will ! What'll you bet?" was that I I'll some in ' ' say guess put money Even twenty. I do honestly believe he your bank not a great deal, but jist 'miff will come here 11 o'clock and the fur a nest by pay egg, like." money." "We shall be to number with our glad you The bet was taken, the money put up and patrons." the greenhorn sat down to wait. At five min- "Yaas, but look-a-here, Steve, I don't want utes of eleven a man came in, handed him no foolin' about this bizness. When I want $40, expressed his thanks, and took the check I want to find it my money right here," and it in his wallet. " placed "Certainly." I told you he was honest," said the green- I want to find here." "And you horn as he reached for the stakes. "Of course." They were handed over but half an hour "And if you bust the bank and run off up later, after much serious thought, the bar-ten- with the cash, as some of 'em hev done, do der suddenly slapped his leg and exclaimed you know what I'll do ? I'll hitch the old " up I see through it now? They were pals, mare and foiler to the end of the you airth, of course?" and when I overhaul you I'll give you the all firedest drubbing any man on this globe ever got." Poser for St. Paul. "You need have no fears, Mr. Adam." A ' 'Waal, you hear me, and now here is four While a rain- dollars to hurrying through blinding begin on. It's to sort o' try you, storm a Cleveland young man saw an ine- and, if is all I in everything right, may put briated individual clinging to a lamp-post for four more when I sell that steer. That's all, dear life. onless you bust and run " N. Y. Sun. " up away. What are you doing in the rain?" he said, stopping a moment. 1 A Puzzle. "Tzwaitin fer m' house to go by," an- She was a fine lady who tried to pose as a swered the old soak. deep thinker. She said : The gentleman kindly took him by the arm ' ' the escorted him home. inside the Truely world is very strange ! People and Once door are in ecstacies over a or he turned round and said : singer magician, " and close their eyes to more surprising things. Shav, misher, whaz ver name?" How do bakers get the soft part of bread into "St. Paul." crust! I have long pondered over it and "St. Paul; shas so. Shay, misher St. Paul, made thorough examination, yet I have nev- did y' ever git an answer to shat epistle yoa er been able to divine it." wrote to the Ephesians?" NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

An Illustrated Lunch Talking Goods up in a clever Forcible "Way. " ^ Never lei/ a customer go away without making a purchase," said Mr. Threads to a newly-engaged clerk. "Talk the goods up in a clever, forcible way and you'll be certain to make a sale every time." "All right," replied Feerless Gall, the new clerk, who had been an auc- tioneer for a year out West. ''I think I know just what you mean, sir, and you can rely upon mfe- I know the tricks of the trade." Ten minutes later he was going on in this fashion to Mrs. Marshalie Neale, one of the wealthiest and most aristo-

cratic patrons of the house : "Damask towels, is it, madam? Well, I should smile ! If you can't get damask towels here, there's no place in this where < an 'em. L Bread. city you get Look at that towel, my friend ! Doesn't it fairly warm your heart to look at it, eh ? And just glance at this pair, marked down from four dollars to a dollar and ten cents. Doesn't it fairly make you look young again to gaze on a bargain like that ? And suppose you just concentrated your intellectual capacity on this towel for a second ! A-ha ! makes you fairly held your breath to gaze on it, doesn't it ? Did you ever see anything more perfectly irresistible since you were born in this world of sin and sorrow ? Of course, you never did. Ob, it's a cold day when this firm gets left on damask towels ! Look at this one. Look at it, woman, it won't bite you; now, tell me, tell me if you ever bought a towel like that for less than two dollars. Of course, you didn't I You've paid that for dish-towels, and thanked Heaven for the of II. Butter. privilege doing so, haven't you ? Course you have, sweet friend of my childhood days!" Mr. Threads happened along just in time to ha^e his blood curdled by this last remark and also in time to assist the gasping and livid Mrs. Marshalie Nealc to ner carriage, where she bade him adieu forever, and. C^D minutes later he was going through the same jeremony witn Mr. Fearless Gall.

How He got it. ''I heard yesterday," said Mrs. Jinks, "that Featherton, the coal dealer, has acquired a fortune of fifty thousand dollars." "Yes," said Mr. Jinks, "and it's about time he got it too. He's been in weight for it for the last five lying " years.

IT is not the use of money, but the- it an evil. III. Sauce. abuse of it, that makes NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

A Standing Explanation. ber something. I suppose I am bo nd to give you satisfaction for it. Put up your dukes !" His bewildered look had gone by this time. Placing himself in an at- titude of defense he danr-ed about the big man in a way startlingly sugges- tive of previous practice. "Before. I mop the sidewalk with you," said the other, "I want to be sure I ain't mistaken. Your name is isSnaggs, ain't it I" "Snaggs," replied the stranger a blow on his antagonist's planting" jaw; certainly ! Snaggs will do as well as anything else Snaggs it is !" ' ' But hold on ! I want to be dead sure! The man I'm looking for is Jerusalem Snaggs!" "You've found him, my friend," exclaimed the stranger, as he banged him on the nose. "I'm Jerusalem FAT LADY (sternly)" Is this the ladies' cabin." Snaggs !" he continued, making a feint USURPING MALE " Tes'm." " with his left and administering a FAT LADY (angrily) I dont see why the men should mon- vicious cut with his ' ' Oh opolize all the seats then !" upper right. I ana from USURPING MALE (politely) "I guess it's because all the yes, Snaggs [biff] [whack] standing room is occupied, mum." Snaggsville, Snaggs county [bang], near the headwater, of Snaggs creek ! Office hours from 1 to 24. Come The Mild-Looking Stranger- early and avoid the rush !" It is always well to be courteous to every With a final blow under the ear he laid the one, for one may thus be entertaining an fellow flat on the burly" ground. unawares. it was no means angel Though by As he turned to go he said : the " " " an angel character the New York Sun My name, gentlemen is Jerusalem Snaggs, describes below, yet he was about as unex- of course, but for convenience sake I go as an : pected" angel around under an alias." Ha ! Caught you at last, have I !" And he took from his vest pocket a card " The tall, powerful man who uttered and threw it on the prostrate body of the big these words stood in the center of a group at man. After he had gone away somebody a street corner in a far western town. As he picked it up and read : spoke he brought his hand down heavily on D. JEMPSEY, the shoulder of a mild looking stranger who Professor of Scientific Boxing. was passing by, and turned him half-way round. The "Wrong House. The man had tall, powerful previously He was a winked at the bystanders. keen, sharp-looking young man, and he said to the lady of the house on Second "You don't remember me, I s'pose ?" he Avenue, as he stood in the hall : continued, with a fierce frown, as he tigh- I have called for the suit of tened his .clutch on the shoulder. "Madam, stranger's clothes which needs and ' brushing fixing." "Why, no; I can't say I do," replied the at What suit?" she asked. mild-looking man, looking him wonder- ' Your husband's Sunday suit, ma'am. He ingly. called as he went down this " "You've forgot all about the time morning. you And he said I was to let have them?" leaned out of a car of a train jest pullin' out of you and knocked hat 'Yes'm." Cheyenne, my off, I ' reckon !" Did he appear in good health and spirit?" " I don't remember of 'Why, certainly." certainly ' anything Look and act natural?" the kind," protested the bewildered stran- ' ' I never saw before." Of course. Why do you ask 1" ger. you ' " Because he has been dead Oh yes, you did ! You may have forgot eighteen years^ andi I have some on the subiect." it, but I haven't." And he the curiosity emphasized" "I I have made a assertion with a vigorous shake. I haven't mistake, perhaps?" stammered the man. forgot it, an' I've said a thousand times since " young then have. The man saw that if I ever met you ag'in I'd make Perhaps you you go out of here an hour is brother. Good you apologize or fight." " ago my 'Now that I think of it," said the mild- morning. looking stranger, stooping to pick up his hat which had fallen to the ground during the SMOOTH water is not It ' ' necessarily deep. ^baking it seems to I process, me do remem- may be a stagnant pond. Chicago Ledger. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 95

Accommodations of Travel. "And how did it end?" " They had him arrested for bigamy ; they wanted us to go agin him, too, but when I men-

tioned it to him he said : " 'Father don't do it. Here's my watch and $60, and they are yours if you don't." "And you didn't ?" 1 'No. He was a-tryin' to do the squar' thing, and when a man tries to do the squar' thing by Eom- ulus White I can't go back on him. I gin the gal the money and I kept the watch, and I guess we couldn't have done better."

"Was it Love or Law. The other night, said Eli Perkins, I met a young law student at a party. He was dancing with Miss Johnson. "I have an engagement to dance the 'Flying Galop with Miss Johnson," I remarked "number ten." "You have an engagement ? You mean " you N. T. & N. H. K. R. BBAKEMAN "All out for ! " Eye have retained her for a Mr. OSSENESSEN. Say, young feller, how far we hef to go to eed Kheinwine? " dance." "She has contracted to How Romulus White was Deceived. dance with me," I said. "But contracts where no earnest money "Human, natur' is powerfully deceptive, is paid are null and void. You must vacate ain't she?" remarked the old man to the " N. the premises. Y. Sun after we had been silent for " reporter, But will me half a dance? some time. you please give I ask " "Sometimes." the courtesy. Mr. he "take "You bet she is. I'm a-living in the village "Why yes, Perkins," said, of B miles the her;" but recollecting his legal knowledge, , forty down road. I've he of and added got a gal named Mollie. She's about as dandy caught hold my coat-sleev, this casual remark : a country gal as you'll find in the State. Last winter a stranger struck the town, and "I give and bequeath to you, Mr. Eli Per- at once fell in love with Mollie. I didn't like kins, to have and to hold in trust, one-half of nis looks, and I said to the gal: my right, title, and claim, and my advant- ' ' Mollie, beware of that chap. I kin read age, in a dance known as the 'Flying Galop,' him like a book, and I tell you he han't hon- with Amelia Johnson, with all her hair, pan- est nor honorable. I'll bet a wheat stake iers, Grecian bend, rings, fans, pelts, hair- to a pumpkin that he's a sharper.' pins, smelling bottles, and straps, with all "The gal differed with and about a the right and advantage therein, with full me, " month ago they were married. power to have, hold, encircle, whirl, toss, "And how did the husband turn out ?" wriggle, push, jam, squeeze, or otherwise "Mighty honorable sort of a man. They use except to smash, break, or otherwise had been married three days when along damage and with right to temporarily con- came a woman from Dunkirk and claimed him, vey the said Amelia Johnson, her hairs, rings, and showed a certificate. I expected he paniers, straps, and other objects heretofore would deny her, but he didn't. Owned up or hereinafter mentioned, after such whirl, like a little man. She was still there when squeeze, wriggle, jam, etc., to her natural a second one came on from Oswego. Looked parents, now living, and without regard to bilious for my new son-in-law, and I any deed or deeds or instruments of looked to see him flunk, but he didn't. Jist whatever kind or nature whatsoever to acknowledged the corn and said he was will- the contrary in any wise notwithstand- ing to do the fair thing." ing." 96 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

A Disappointment. that was ever told. I made up mind to vote your ticket, but I'd 'a' been willin' to bet a peck o' red apples that no man could stand up and tell such blamed convincin' lies without 'em writ out. You must 'a' had having " an awful lot of practice.

Somewhat too "Witty. It's a thing to be " great ready-witted, says the Chicago Mail." We saw an instance of it the other day. Over at the Union Depot, ' ' in Canal Street, they have an information bureau," and a neat sign over the open window announces the fact. It's a very clever idea, since a great many people frequently, want to know something about the town or about trains, but it is the only one in town and it strikes so sophisticated folks as very queer. I saw a very flip young fellow look at the sign the other day and smile. Then he went up to the window and I knew he was going to try to be funny at the bureau man's expense. I and heard him ask : edged" up carelessly What kind you got !" "Kind o' what!" asked the information man. " Kind of information," said the flip young DUMLET " And how much are kisses to day my man. ' ' " dear? " The bureau man tumbled in a second. Miss PERT "Ten cents apiece at the next He saw he had run against a joker, but he counter." didn't show it in his manner. He just said (Dumley looks, and concludes not to purchase.) in a business-like tone and a perfectly straight An awful lot of Practice- face: All kinds." one Chauncey Depew spoke evening during Does it come with or without !" the last at a town in the interior ' campaign " Both ways. Which'll you have it !" of this the New York ' State, says Tribune," Got any cut bias ?" which it is not to name. The next ' necessary Plenty, and strips down the side." the chairman of the local committee ' morning Is it red, white and blue !" took him in his for a ride about the carriage 'It is, and shot with stars; also had reached the suburbs and fringed. place. They How much '11 you have !" were a bit of when a man admiring scenery The humorist seemed to be disappointed in a blue shirt and wearing carrying along whip some way, for he mumbled something and on his shoulder from where he approached sneaked looking as crushed as a banana- had been an ox-team the middle away, piloting along peel under a 200 pound man's boot. I asked of the street and said : the man at the window if he had many cus- "You're the man that made the rattlin' tomers of this kind. He laughed and said at the hall last I ?" speech up night, guess that the men usually had fun with Mr. admitted that he had traveling Depew modestly him when they had time. indulged in some talk at the time and place specified. " An American'* Adventure in Paris. Didn't you have what you said writ out ?" went on the man. He climbed into an omnibus. " Opposite the orator. him sat a that in the half he " No," replied lady gloom You don't mean to say made that all through her veil, to be young and you" judged, right up as you went along ? handsome. "Yes." "Why do you wear that veil?" he asked "Jess hopped right up there, took a drink after he had succeeded in getting conversa- o' water out of the pitcher, hit the table a tion with her. ' " whack and waded in without no thinkin' nor To protect me from the stares of men. ?" ' But to is our nothing" gaze upon beauty greatest Well, I suppose you might put it that delight." ' way." rio long as a man is not married." "Well, that beats me. You'll excuse me 1 Well, I am unmarried," said he. for stoppin' you, but what I wanted to say 'Truly?" said she throwing back her veil was that your speech convinced me though and it was his mother-in-law ! His recovery I knowed all the time it was the peskiest lie is doubtful. NEW YARNS AND FUXSY JOKbS. 97

What a Key Chain Did. Phew ! and Far Beiween, After Mr. Tooter Bareatone had sung ' 'The Harp That Tears Through Overalls," Mr. Celluloid Dickey asked of the interlocutor : "William, can you tell me why angels' visits are like Chicago sewers ?" "I don't know, Richard," replied the inter- in his rich bass voice are locutor, ; "why angels' visits like Chicago sewers ?" "Because, sir," said the comedian, with a ' ' mighty effort, they are phew ! and far between." Then, while a solemn hush fell upon the audience, the interlocutor announced that Mr. Laring Greetis would sing ' ' Down where the Sandwich Blooms." America.

THE world turns over and keeps everything even. The coal man is on top now, but soon he will have to bow to him who sells ice.

1." I Guess the governor won't hear me coming in."

Feline Sagacity. "Bridget, has Johnny come home from school yet ?" 'Yis, sorr." ' Have you seen him ?" ' No, sorr." ' Then how do you know he's home ?" ' ' Cause the cat's hidin' under the stove, sorr."

" 3. what do mean com- Well, younj* man, " you by ing home at one o'clock, eh ? Fancy and Fact. An Irishman, waxing eloquent upon the glories of the old country, declared that a certain nobleman's palace, not far from where he used to live, had "three hundred and twinty five winders, one winder for ivery day in the year." Another man, who was always complaining of the hard work he had to broke out one " do, day: Well, now, I wish I was home again in my father's foine old castle." "Your father's foine old castle, is it?" said one of his companions. "Sure it was a foine old castle and no mistake. Ye could stand 2 -But just as young Staylate puts his key in the lock the door opens from inside. on the roof of y er father's castle, put yer arm down the chimney and open the front door." AN exchange of courtesies is usually an attempt by two men to get something for noth- THE street-car horse is not in favor of rapid ing. transit. ;\7-:/r YARNS AND FUXNI JOKES.

Broken Ribs were Extra an' plunked me up here on the witness stand to arsk if I know ole Bill When a man p>ts siek or meets with an me Jasper.' " Then know him ?" accident in a Canadian lumber camp, say the you "Lands, or I shall larf Now York Snii. ho neither expects nor re- Jedge, stop, right in cote. Does I know ole Bill ? Hee, ceives any good nursing. If he is patient, hee, hee ! did ever hear tell o' the men will do what they can; but if he Say, Bill, ye me, ole Badger 1 If hev .-'' two or three winters ago a man named you Jasper, say hurt a tree hurt. '"William I' Hee, hee, hee ! How do it Peters was by falling badly ' ' sound to be called "William, Bill ? An' does The camp was forty miles from a town or I know William Esquire ? doctor, the snow three feet deep, and all they Jasper, "Why an' ladies an' of the Bill could do was to rub the man with whiskey Jedge, gents cote, father an' both of 'em dead and put him in his bunk. While no bones Jasper's my dad, an' was both born in the same were broken, it seemed certainly that he was gone, county and Bill and me was born in internally injured and that he could not live " Then are wi , beyond a day or two. Business was driving, you personally acquainted and there were no men to after him ?" spare, and, ' ' with Bill 2 :. Peters had been rubbed down, the boss said: Pussonally acquainted Haw % ' ! ! ! if this aint ii is haw hee, hee Lawdy better'rr. Now, Peters, you understand how ; side show I ever went to. is you'll probably die ?" airy Say, Bill, 14 Yes." it forty-nine or fifty years this October' " sence " Probably die within twenty-four hours." " " Yes." Address your remarks to the court, and ' ' not to the defendant, madam." And so, you see, anything extra will be a " dead loss to me." Oh, all right. Only it tickles me an' Bill . " so to have to be sworn to our ' ac- I see; but in case I die you'll have man- pussonal when his sister Jane an" ners enough to knock the men off for half a quaintance' Huddy brothar Alexander was married day, won't you ? I also want a good, square my Cyrus ears and old man's grave." together, forty y ago, my ' ' cousin an' Bill's half-brother Jack But, Peters, we are rushed, and to do Pennylope that will cost me $50 worth of time." " " The court cares about those How much will you give me not to die?" nothing per- " sons. once for if I'll $35 that if a fun- Say simply, all, you know say " is, you'll forego eral if do die. the defendant." " you "There you makin' me larf ! 1 i That looks fair," said Peters, after a little go ag'in wish I'd a cent for time Bill's et to thought, "I'll do it. Shake." only ev'ry an' I et to his'n. His wife an' They shook, and Peters set his teeth hard my house Ve me was an' Bill used to "- and determined to live. His only medicines gals together, say "That will do madam. The witness evi were kerosene oil, whiskey and vinegar, and his delicacies fat and bean dently knows the defendant . Proceed with only pork soup ; but in three weeks he was out and at the examination." " work. Couldn't you make it $30 ?" asked the as he to settle. boss, came Evolution of an Idea. "For why ?" ' ' Because if you had died I should have had A couple of old saltb met after a long ao- sence and the animated convers- to wrap the body in a $3 blanket, and the following boys would have insisted on a drink all around ation ensued : after the "Well, old man, how are you getting on ?'* job." " " First rate I have taken a wife. "Couldn't possibly think of it," replied ; " idea." Peters. After I made the bargain with you "A very sensible I found "Not a bit of it ; she's a Tartar." three broken ribs, and I had to splice " regular and grow 'em extra. " Then I'm sorry for you, mate." " she There's no need ; brought me a largo She Knew Him. vessel as her marriage portion." " "Then you made a good bargain, after all." You say know the defendant ?" asked " to boast I tell the you Nothing of, can you ; a of a judge woman on the witness stand in ship turned out a worthless old tinder-box.'' an Arkansas court ' ' " " room. Then I'm sorry I spoke. Do I know the defendant ? Why, Jedge, "Bah ! You can speak as you like ! The ye make me larf." old tub was well insured and went down on " But do you know him ?" her first voyage." "Do I know " 'im? Do I know ole Bill So you got the pull there, anyhow ?" ? Lookee Jasper here Jedge, I shall bust "Not so much, mate; I only got 5,000 out larfin' right if ye ask me that again, I thalers out of the job as my share." reely shell !" "That was too bad." ' ' " If know him so. you say "Too bad? Nothing of the sort ! Wife "Say so, Jedge ? If it don't fairly tickle was on board and went down with the rest." me now, to think you've fetched me ten miles Zeitgeist. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKEIS. 99

A Question of Authority. Jake's Diversion. 'Dot boy Shake dot boy Shake!" he mourn- fully repeated, as a friend asked him if he was no longer in business in St. Louis. "Jake is your son?" ' ' son Yes, my ; my idiot." "What did Jake do ?" "Veil, I goes oop to Chicago to see mv sister, who vhas dead. Shake vhas left to run der store. Peesness was a leetle off, und Shake plans dot he vhill make a diversion. I belief it vhas a diversion, but head aches so my " hard I vhas not sure. "Yes, it was probably a diversion." " Vhell, he goes down cellar, und starts a leetle fire not mooch, but shust enough to bring out der engines und a crowd, und smoke up der goods. It vhas for a great fire sale, you know goods " feef- Roof there ? slightly damaged NEIGHBOR leaking up " MB. CASSIUS" Nope. See that shot-gun sticking out of th' scuttle ? teen dollar suits for five " for NEIGHBOR Yep."" greatest bonanza MB. CASSIUS wife's behind it. I ventured to remark this My morning working peoples eafer that I was th' head of th' house, an' she's kept me in th' position ever since." known in St. Louis." "I see." ' Cash Talks. 'But he gets too much fire, und avhay goes der as he his der house, clothing, und der peesness." he said, doffed hat to ' "Madam," " ' But were insured ?" in if I you a women he met Clinton place, could ' " but der run be so bold as 'So help me gracious, policies " oud at noon, und Shake makes dot diversion Take care, sir?" she cautioned in reply. at 5 o'clock in der afternoon ! All vhas "If I dared suggest to you, madam, gone all determination to to that " oop except a go work und build oop anew. I vhas shust starting "Be careful, sir, how you suggest!" ' ' in a small like me If would permit me to observe vhay again. Maybe you you sell a better suit dan haf on for that " to you you ' ' four dollars all wool, well made, indigo dye, Permit nothing, sir ! Who are you and und to stand in climate ?" what do you want?" computed any "I sell this soap, ma'am soap which is A Disease not "Wholly Unknown. warranted to remove paint and grease. If I " might be allowed to Smith. Hello, Jones, I hear you 're to be sir! what do want?" married next week. ""No, Now, you Congrat I want to sell you a cake for ten cents, Young Benedick Jones. Yes, I'm going to ma'am." be married Monday. Say, Smith, what's the ' ' Well, hore's your money for it. Why on address of that doctor you think so much of? earth didn't you say you had soap to sell?" Smith. Why, you ain't sick, are you? all this beating about the bush?" Young Benedick Jones I d' 'no', Smith I Why" " I beg to be allowed to feel awful queer, I have chills every few ' ' ? , No, sir If it's one cake for ten cents you've minutes, and a kind of sensation as if all my got your money. If it's two for fifteen here's bones were sort of melting away cold. Ever another nickel. And now do you go on about hear of any thing like it? Puck. your business. I've no time to fool away this morning." A Ten Strike. " Never strike a man below the belt," is my THE man with the nose is not neces- motto. large " sarily a humanitarian. He may have secured You don't live up to it. You struck me " the large nose by calling some one a liar. on the pocket the other day. 100 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

"Went Out to Drop Smith. do you? Well, you won't get it. We ** now all are and is* At about three o'clock in the afternoon I paying you you wortn, tie more." came along to a Kentucky "squat," which " It isn't that, sir." differed from a hundred others only in the " It isn't 1 Then what are you driving AtC* fact that a woman and a ooy sat on a log in "I want your daughter, Molly." of the in the brush fence, front opening "Hump! That's different. Go and tako which be termed the gate, and be- might her and be hanged to you! I thought you cause six dogs were lying in the sun instead " were fishing for a raise of salary ! of the usual three or four. I asked after the man of the and the woman re- house, Had Him There. plied:" He un' hain't home just now." The celebrated novelist, Count Leo Tolstoi, "Be back soon?" as is well known, gave up literary work to a "I reckon. He *un has gone down the great extent, and busied himself chiefly with road a to that Dave Smith." manual labor and the spread of the piece " drop ''gospel "To what I asked. of brotherly love." A short time ago, when " " To drop Dave Smith driving in tho streets of Moscow, he saw a ' ' 'Do mean he has gone to shoot Smith V policeman arrest a peasant because of some " you Sartin. They 'uns has bin wantin' to pop slight offense against the police regulations, at each other fur along time." and lead him along the street. Ordering hia "Thar she clatters 1" shouted the boy as coachman to halt, the Count rushed up to the report of a gun reached our ears, and he the policeman and asked him if he could read. was oft down the road like a deer. "Certainly." ' " 4 Reckon the old man dropped him, calmly "Have you read the Bible?" observed the woman as she went on with The answer was in the affirmative. her work of patching an old woolen shirt. "Then," continued the Count to the sur- I expressed my unbounded surprise at this prised officer, "do not forget that we ar* sort of man hunting, but she said it was one commanded to love our neighbors as our< iof the customs, and had to be lived up to. In selves." the The looked at him in astonish* [about ten minutes boy reappeared, and, policeman 'sitting down on a log to get his breath, he ment for a moment, then began inquisition said: of his own. " ' Pop's a-coming." "Can you read? he asked. 4 'Drop Smith I" she queried, without even "Yes/' looking up. "Have you read the police regulations?" "No; Smith dropped him. Pop's got The Count was obliged to reply in the nega- buckshot in the shoulder. Better get things tive. ready." "Then," answered the officer, as he pro- "Keckon I had, Jim," she said, and, get- ceeded on his way with his victim, "read ting up, she folded her work and moved into them before you come here to preach." the house without the least sign of excitement. A few minutes later the husband Not Uncertain, Coy or hard to Please. came at a slow with the fresh blood up work, "Miss Clara," he said tremously, "I want from his shoulder, and halted '' dripping long to tell you er the old, old story and then in front of me to : enough" say for a moment, his agitations got the better of Evening to you, stranger. Sort o' make him. yourself to home. I went out to drop Smith, Mr. said the with out the varmint was "Goon, Sampson," girl onery waiting' behind a "nevermind if it shy encouragement ; is a bush and me. Git the blood wash- dropped chestnut; perhaps I never heard it before." ed off and the -shot picked out, and we'll hev a visit. You, Jim, take his knapsack and * - She was a "Woman. show him whar* to wash up." "Wait a minute, dear," she called coaxing ly, as she was leisurely putting on her gloves. That was Different. " Time and tide wait for no man," he re- "Can I I have a word with you in pri- sponded, impatiently, at the foot of the stairs. frate?" stammered the young man, as he "And I am no man," she said with a mock- stood at the door of the private office. ing little laugh that he felt like throwing a "Come in t" the head of dollar at. " replied the firm. hundred vase Now, what is it?" 'You you are aware of the fact that I " Sinking Rapidly. "That have been with this you house for Robinson" Hello, Smith ! Glad to see you four years. Yes' sir, I am aware of the fact. back. How did you leave Jones?" Want to leave?" Smith" Poor fellow ! The last time I saw no." "Oh. him he was sinking rapidly." "Didn't know but " you had had a better Kobinson Indeed I What was the mat- offer. If so, you can go." ter with him?" That's not '/ it,sir." Smith "He fell overboard from the steam- ''Oh, it isn't? Want an increase of salary, er." YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 101

She Knew all About a Boat. The Bridge of Small Size. They were registered Mr. and Mrs. Brown at the hotel in a little village on the Sound. In half an hour after their arrival Mrs. Brown was overheard to say to her husband, "See here, Brown, I want to take a ride in one of them boats." "Of course, love, but wouldn't it be better to -ivait until after dinner? Nobody goes sailing at this time o' day. Don't you see that all the boats are tied up or drawn ashore ?" "Botheration! Brown, get a boat." Brown yielded, and arm-in arm they marched down to the landing. "See here Brown, (his name wasn't See here Brown, but she addressed him in that way oftener than in any other), did you ever row a boat ?" Brown had to acknowledge that he never did, but he was willing to try. "Then I'll teach you," said Mrs. Brown confidently. The little craft rocked lightly on ten feet of clear water, at the bottom of which were strewn the usual assortment of broken crock- 3&55 oyster cans, ery, mussel shells and old boots tegs."

: ~^ "Now, my dear," said Brown, "be ~*. .X* %. ~.w '". "- careful how you get into the boat. Don't jump into it, or try to get into it head foremost, or all fours, SHE*' You go over first and I mil follow after." upon " but put one foot on each side and ''See here, Brown, do you s'pose IVe never been in a boat before ? Don't I know that them two little pegs in the side of the boat are a sort o' stirrup for a lady to put her foot ' into, this way, so as to "No, no!" shrieked Brown, but it was too late. The lady had put her foot into it. Her 165 pound avoirdu- pois was too much, and as the boat ported and turned up its keel for the sun to kiss she keeled too, and went to the bottom of the bay among the oyster shells, etc. And the boat-hook that hauled her out ruined her best dress. Texas Siftings.

It was not Leap Year, either. "What a genius you are!" exclaimed a young lady visiting an inventor's work room. ' ' I believe you could make almost everything." "Yes," replied the young man, modestly. "Is there anything you would like to see me make?" "Make me an offer," whispered the girl shyly. VERY LIKE LAST SEASON'S "What is the latest style in hugs?" asked Coyly of the fair young dressmaker. "Oh ! something rather quiet, and HE goes over, but she changes her mind, and does not very close fitting," she answered follow. sweetly. 102 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY /0A'A>'.

" Talking in Slang. I'm going to sleep, and I hope you won't disturb me. " She was a Boston maid of high degree, With eyes that shone like incandescent lights, "Just what I was going to ask of you," re- such as seem to And just pouting lips me plied the hay man. The kiss invites, Both pretended to sleep, but at the end of I met her on the Common's grassy sod, the third hour the hay man suddenly called Near where the fountain plays in squirtive mood; out: > sh stood reflective, while a passive wad ' Of gum she chewed. 'Say ! You are a cussed mean man !" "The same to you!" "It does one good to see this spot.' said I, "Where going with those bricks ?'' "When weary of the city's hum and buzz," you "Four miles to John Where the ceased her waxic pastime to reply : out, Dayton's. "That's what it does." you going with your hay ?" "To Stiner's brick "This sylvan spot," then softly I avered. yard." "The foot of man seems almost to defile." "Say, man, I'm John Dayton, myself, and Her voice came sweet as notes of woodland bird : I've traded this hay for brick !" "Well. I should smile." "Well, I'm young Stiner, and I was driv- "The balmy breezes whispering overhead ing the first load out !" With such enchanting softness kiss the brow." "What fools we are! Here, take all the In tones of liquid melody she said; road !" 'You're shoutin' now!" "No no let me turn out." "And have fair you noticed, one, how each bird "I'll turn." Seems here to choose its sweetest vocal gem ?" "No let me." I dwelt in rapture on her every word : "I'm onto them." And in their haste to do the polite thing the load of was a "And how the leaves like moving emeralds seem, hay upset and wheel taken When In response to the sweet breeze they shake !" off the brick wagon. Her voice came soft as echo from a dream : "They take the cake." Paralyzing. "Dost wander often to a sylvan " spot, That's a smart little of The dreamy sense of quietude to speak ?" right gal yours," Soft purled her answer: "Well, I take a trot 'bout said a benevolent-looking old gentleman on a Once a week." Western railroad to a lady sitting in front of "I've In converse sweet I lingered by her side, him. been watching her for some And felt that there forever I could dwell. time." And as I left her after me she cried : "Yes, I have noticed you," remarked the "So old fel." long, have children of lady ; "you your own, per- I was not captured by her voice so rich, but I ' haps ; daresay yours are all with her " grown. Nor lovely face, so fresh and young, No'm I've some but I've But with the sweet dexterity with which ; grown up, got tot to Her slang she slung. a little home only eight months old, and another one a year old, and one fo'teen months and one two years old, and a pair o' Human Nature on the Highway, real cunnin' twins two years and a half old, and a boy of three and a little gal the same It was on a highway running into a city in age. Then there's Mar^, an' Arvilly, an' Pennsylvania. One man was driving out Jonas, an' William Henry, an' Peter, and with a load of brick and the other driving Salviny, an' Antoynetty, an' Victoriav -' in with a load of hay, Both attempted to Wellington, an' Charles r-n' Ange- get the best side of a mud hole, and as a con- Sumner^ an' an' an' Euth, an' sequence their teams came head to head and liny, Cyrus, Naomy, an' . I have to off at this sta- stopped. Diany, git tion to take the Salt Lake train. If you 'You, there !" shouted the brick man. ' should ever be out in Utah come an' see the You there, !" the other. yourself replied children. There's some I ain't named. 'Going to turn out ?" good 'No!" bye I" 'Neither will I!" ' I'll here stay a whole year first !" "Which was the Sweetest. 'And I'll ten of them !" stay Young Man. "I want to ask you a ques- Both to make themselves proceeded as com- tion." Widower. "All right; ask away." fortable as possible, and to appear careless Y. M. "You have been married three times and indifferent as to results. ; Other travelers tell me which wife did you love most?" W. took the other ' ' side of the hole, and passed You bite three sour one after the them and so it apples, by, became a question of en- and then tell me which is the sweet- durance. At other, the end of an hour the hay est." man said : ' ' If there's any one man I hate above an- Didn't need It other, it's a human hog !" "Then it's a wonder you haven't hated Old Gentleman (from head of stairs) My yourself to death !" was the retort, and silence daughter, I think Mr. Tarrylate and you have reigned supreme again. burned enough gas for one night. Another hour and the brick Mr. All sir I'll it passed, man Tarrylate ; turn : right, observ out. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 103

Her Symptoms Dangerous. Patrick's Casey's Scheme. One day a man who spoke with the Irish brogue came over to the store, and inquired for me by name, and when I stepped out of the office he inquired, 1 ' Would you like to make $75,000 in a year?" ""Why, certainly." It may cost you as much as $7 per week, but you'll be sure to get your fortune in twelve months." "Explain." "Well, I know a man named Mulcahy who's got consumption and must die. He used to be a robber, but has reformed now. He made $75,000 in cash at one haul, and it lies buried up the river. He says he'll never touch a cent of it, but I know that the man who takes care of him until he dies will be told where that money

'Why don't you take him ?" ' I'm a widower, sir." ' But you must have friends." 'So I have, but I'm giving you jhe first choice. If you don't want it, I'll find others." The result was that Mulcahy came to see me. He looked like some one I had seen before, but I could not tell who. I saw that he had only a few months to live, and, without referring to the $75,000 or the fact of his having " been a robber, I sent him to a comfort- Miss TwiRLfiR I'm afraid, doctor, that I have heart able and to trouble." boarding-house, agreed DOCTOR what think so? You look w^ll." furnish him with $7 per week. For "Why, " makes you Miss TwiRTjSB Yes, but for the last few weeks my affec- ten straight months I paid his keep, tions have been so terribly fickle." and he dressed well and had plenty to eat and drink. One day I was sent for to How She Restrained Herself. find him dying. I was sorry, of course, but business is and as soon as I could A certain married of Harlem, business, young lady make I is fortunate in having a good, kind husband, opportunity said, "John, are to die." vv-licre devotion to her has never nagged for you going soir." an instant since the first he fell in love "Yes, day ' that that the with her several unfortun- 'And money up river, you years ago. She, know." ately for her own happiness as well as his, "Yes, soir." was born with a temper like The gunpowder. "Hadn't better tell me where to following little dialogue took place between you just find it ?" them the other after breakfast, morning Just "There's none soir." one of her intervals. It there, during lucid leaked "What?" out, no matter how. ' ' " ' ' "Niver a soir." Tell me, said he for own cent, just my curiosity "But said there was." how it happened that I never discovered this Casey "He did, soir. Casey is brother, and unhappy weakness in you in our courtship my we fixed on that story that I be days, when I thought a of per- might prop- you paragon cared for in last You are a fection? How did you ever manage to res- erly my days. if I do and I'll leave train yourself then?" gintleman, soir, say it, the razor that I've owned these four and The poor woman hesitated a few moments you to and before answering, and then, sobbing twenty years. Good-bye, yees, soir, bitterly, if could do the fair and dropped her graceful little head upon his you thing by me, pay shoulder and the funeral expenses, and buy headstone. I'd Sturdy" said, content." I used to excuse myself from you for a go feeling quite few minutes and g-g-go upstairs and b-b-bite pieces out of the top of the bu-bu-bureau." And he was as well satisfied with this ex- PAY as you go, and if you can't pay dont planation as he could have been with any. go. 104 r.utxs AND FUNNY JOKES.

No Bank There. Presence of Mind. There was an Eastern man with us in the A good story is told of a well-known local stage as we were making a route in Kansas, politician. His wife had been out of town, for and at noon, as we stopped at a new town for the summer, and during her absence the poli- dinner, he said to the landlord of the board tician stopped at a hotel. Mrs. Blank re- shanty tavern: turned to town on Friday, and on her way "This seems to be a brisk sort of a town. '' from the boat to the hotel the lady asked : ' " 'Yes. She's "Did treat well while I " gaining right along. they you was Is there a bank here ?'' ?" " away Regular bank?" "Oh, yes; excellent! I'll show you what a "Yes." fine room I had. It will make you smack "Regular bank, with President, cashier your lips." receive and so on where they deposits, give And then, as they approached the hotel : drafts on Chicago, and so forth ?" "There's my room. See ! they have the gas "Yes." and in readiness for our " lighted everything No, there isn't any such bank here now." return. Nice location, isn't it ? ' ' Then there was one ?" "Ye" but it closed The President "Yes, up. and Just then a lady came to the window of cashier are here, though." the room and drew down the shade. There I could have a little talk "Then, perhaps was so much silence that it cracked the pave- with them before dinner. ment. The gentleman pointed out the wrong "Hardly. They are lying underground, window, but his wife wouldn't believe him in back lot." out here my until he had gone up and waved his hat out "What! Dead?" of the window of his own room while she "As door nails." " stood on the other side of the street and Sickness or accident ?" watched him, and even then she doubted, sort o' betwixt. The bank tried to "Well, and said that he had been a good while get- fail and cents on the and the pay fifty dollar, ting up-stairs, and then spent half the night out and 'em to boys turned hung that tele- hunting around the room. graph pole there, and divided the cash, so that we got $1.10 apiece on our deposits. If " want to start a bank, however. I'll He dined at the White House. you" Oh ! no ! I had no idea of it. I'm going "I understand were enter- on to to into business." you royally Emporia go tained during your at " sojourn Washington." Oh, yes; I had a delightful time, and re- True Enough. ceived no little consideration." ' ' Visited the monument, and the National Unnatural and illogical as it seems, quick- ness of and of Museum and Capitol '." thought ignorance grammar "Yes." now and then go together. The result is of- "Called the President and other dis- ten amusing and sometimes picturesque. upon Teacher children, T will tinguished gentlemen?'' Now, give you "Yes." three words boys, bees and bears and I "Visited the White House?" want you to compose a sentence which will " I include all three words. Oh, yes; and had the pleasure of dirn^g- there." Small I have it. Boy " ' On invitation of the President : Teacher John McCarthy, you may give " Not on his invitation. I took a us your sentence. exactly little lunc-h with me and ate it from John McCarthy Boys bees bare whin they my in the as fast as I could go in swimmin'. pocket reception-room " without attracting attention. How he Knew he was of Age A Delecate Compliment. While one of our citizens was judge at the Democratic primary, a young smooth-faced Perhaps one of the wittiest things from the fellow offered his vote, and was asked by greatest wit of the world Avas that of Sidney the Duchess of She him if: he was old enough to vote. Smith to Marlborough. lover of and had "Yes," says the fellow, "I am twenty-one." was a great flowers, just "How do you know?" procured a rare pea-vine from India. It did "Well, I have had the seven-year itch not seem to thrive, and when Sidney Smith three times," was the response. came to the house one day, she knowing his fondness for flowers, showed him through her Going toward the pea-vine, At the Ballet. conservatory, she exclaimed : " Little Girl (fearfully) : Mamma, when are O, Mr. Smith, I'm so afraid my beautiful the Indian girls coming on? pea will never come to perfection." Mother: Hush, dear; there are no Indians. "Then me, dear madam, to lead permit my" Little Girl : Then who scalped all the men perfection to the pea, taking her arm an

fttltFatPostman BY

Oh, It's glad I am whin the postman comes, Marnin' or noon or ave, An' it's little I moind the shtips I take, Or the worruk I hev to leave. " " I hear him whistle whirree-er-oo !

Yfith his little round face so fat, An' I know be the wink in his shmall black eye He's bringing me news from Pat,

Up and down in his ould gray coat He's thravellin' on his way, An' it's joy he is to the saddest heart, An' loight on the darkest day. He seems to know when he's bringing luck,

An' faith, I think he has cause, Wid the neighbors watchin' all down the sthrate For the Post-office Santy Glaus.

Oh, little fat post-man, go your rounds,

Wid your mail-bag undher your arm ! It's mesilf that's prayin' the howly saints To be kapin' you safe from harm, An' if on the quiet you'd sthale a kiss Ah, who would be mad at that? It's not mesilf that ud be unkoind Whin yer bringin' me news from Pat. "Drake's Magazine."

Her Last Request Cornfield Philosophy. "I have seen some laughable things, too," ICE is of little use to the small has ' ' boy who said the doctor. Human nature comes out no and of /still less use to the one skates, who when are sick. I was called in is barefooted. people very once to attend a lady who was taken sudden- THE stranger who gives you his confidence ly ill and was quite sure she was going to die. unasked is either a fool or he takes you for There was nothing very serious the matter one. with her, but she was quite sure her end was near, shoes will ' SMALL hurt her feet, but stilfa " ' Doctor,' she said, I know I am going to girl will wear them. She cares more for her did. Don't tell my husband, but let me ask beau than for her feet. ' you one favor before I go. I ONCE knew a man who was careful to eat What is it?" with his but he was not careful to doctor. Ask to fix pie fork, '"Whisper, Mary" up eat but one piece. my bangs before they bury me.' 106 NEW YARNS A ND FUNNY JOKES.

He Loved His Niece. Couldn't Expect it. ' ' There will have to be some new rules made, or something like that, or else I will have to quit," said the young lady in the telephone office to the chief clerk. "What's the trouble?" "Some of the things that are said over the wires are exceedingly disagreeable, and not for me to hear." proper" Oh, that's all right," was the brutal reply. "You can't expect to work around electricity and not get shocked."

Nothing Separated Them. "Perhaps." said the fresh young man, as he plumped himself down on the sofa between ' ' the two giddy girls, perhaps you were discussing some choice secret ?" "Oh, no," said one of them, "Iwasjusfc ' saying to Minnie that nothing should sepa- rate us,' but really I didn't expect it to hap- so soon. " NELLIE" And which of the Italian cities did you pen like best, Mr. Flei ?" And the beating of his own heart was all FLFI "Well, ray choice may be naughty, but it's the sound he heard. Nice." After Tennyson. A New If you'r waking, call me early, Emancipation. Call me early, mother dear; Jim Robinson is telling a story around Tol- me a chunk of the fattest Fry bacon, edo which is worth Of it And get me some bottled beer. printing. course, ,is about electric street railways, but that doesn't it. It a I PUSHED the wavy golden locks hurt seems Northern company recent- From off her forehead fair, ly put in an electric road in Nashville, Tenn., And where a frown had been lately and an old darkey was showing it to his wife : A kiss I printed there ' ' "Look at it ! Look at it?" he said. Bress I hold the tresses shining fair the Lord, these Yankees are great people. As come down heah " yellow buttercups. Twenty-five yeahs ago dey Was that a love ?" said good kiss," I, and freed theniggah, and now dey come down And she replied, Bang up." and free de mule !" I CANNOT sing the old songs, As I have been requested ; What Made Mrs. Buffins Last time I tried to warble them Despondent. The Mayor had me arrested, Muggins "I understand that Mrs. Buf- fins has presented you with a son and Loir. for Only Looking Accomodations. Accept my congratulations." As the steamboat from New London was Buffins '^Thank you; but unfortunately about to leave for New York the other eve- it was not a son and heir, but a littls girl. I a don't mind but Mrs. Buffiins is quite ning, a young man leading blushing and myself, " buxom damsel by the hand, approached the despondent about it. did she want it to be a polite clerk and said in a low and confident Muggins "Why tone: boy so particularly ?" " Buffins she'd made her Mister, me and my wife have jest got "Well, you see, up " in a Lord married and are lookingfor accommodations. mind to dress him Fauntleroy sxiit, " " do that with a know." Looking for a berth, I suppose, said the and you can't girl, you clerk, as he passed tickets to others who were waiting. "A birth! Thunder and lightning, no!" A Test for a Champion. gasped the astonished rustic. ' ' We hain't Mr. Downs Did I understand you to say, but just got married. We only want a place Carrie, that that man of yours is an to all night, that's all." young stay you know, athlete? Miss Downs Only an amateur, papa, but A Good Time to Start. he's one of the strongest men in the athletic "You haven't a cent, and yet wish to mar- club. He lifted a thousand pounds the other ry Miss Bilyan. Don't you expect her father day. to kick out?" 1 ' Just hint to him that the man who " you young Oh, no. I intend to go before the foot- marries you must be able to lift the mortgage lights." off this house." NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 107 Not Timely Assistance. Square. The Teuton is a long time in learning American idioms. One who had been here for a year J or more, and could speak some English before his arrival; a very short and corpulent man, by the way, went to his grocer's and paid a bill which had been standing for several weeks. *'Now, you are all square, Hans." "I vas vat?" "You are square, I said." "I vas square?" "Yes, you are all square, now. " Hans was silent for a mo ment; then, with reddening face and flashing eyes, he brought his plump fist down upon the counter and said : "See here, mine frent, I vill haf no more peezness mit you. I treat you like a shentleman, I pay my pill, und you make n, shoke of me you say I vas square ven I know I vas round as a parrel. I don't like such " shokes. mit DROWNING PARTY "Help ! help ! somebody h-e-l-p ! ! My peezness you PARTY ON WHARF "Hould on, I'm wid yer! here's a rope." vas done !"

A Roland for his Oliver. Licking a Man Softly.

Trfeh Car Driver (to American tourist) : Is Two men met on Sixth street, near High, tn thrue, misther, that the New York hotels the other day, and both stopped and looked are that big that it wud tak' the whole city hard at each other. Then one said : of Ihibliu to hould wan of thim ? 'Jim, I'm going to lick you." American Tourist (concealing a smile) : Cer- 'When?" tainly, quite true. 'Eight off now." Irish Car Driver (to himself) : 'Tis a truth- 'I don't believe you can do it." ful sort of person he is, entirely. 'Then I'll die trying. It shall be a fair American Tourist : Was there ever such a fight." person as Kate Kearney ? "Very well." lush Car Driver: Ay, that there was, yer Then one took out his false teeth and laid honour! An' whin she stood on the top o' them on the fence, the other hung his new that mountain her hair rached down to the hat and overcoat on a picket, and the first say, an' it's many a poor sailor was saved observed : ' from drownding "by gettin' hould o' the end 'Be careful of my left leg, Tom. I've had o' it, an' climbin' up it the way he wud do a aboil there." ' I aen thim niesilf honour 1 'All and look out for rope. Why, , yer right ; you my right ear, as it is sore from neuralgia." At this moment a policeman happened Simple when you know It. along and warned them against raising any On board an ocean steamer a gentleman row, and one said : wished to a of help lady, who was an inquir- "All right, Jim; I'll lick you next week." to ing mind, comprehend the principle of the "I'll be there, Tom. Good-bye." steam engine. This is how he cleared away all difficulties: " " Boiled. Why you see ma'am," quote he, its just one thing goes up, and then another thing "Gustus," said a fond wife to a brute ot comes down, and then they let the smoke on, the period at dinner the other day, "would which makes the wheels round. That's like to be cremated when die." go you" you what they call the hydraulic principle. It's Nup I prefer to be boiled." " ' ' simple when you know it. Law me, "Why dearest?' ?uitenever understood it before! But then, I "Because I've had enough burnt meat in never had it properly explained," replied the my life-time." fair listener. She went home to mother. 108 NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

An Earnest Appeal. him to terms. They were all comfortably seated and in came the stranger. That's a rib-tickling story which they used "See here, dear sir,'* said Mr. to tell out in Missouri at the expense of its " my Depew, won't tell a once famous Governor, Claiborne F. Jackson. " you story?" I never told one in life." Before he solved the enigma of love-lock, he my "Sing a song?" married five sisters ! in reasonable had ' ' lapses Can't " of consecutiveness, as a matter of decency. sing. one wife had been lost and "Know any jokes?" persisted Mr. Depew. After appropri- "No." ately mourned he espoused another, and he Mr. and all were to kept his courting within a narrow circle of Depew prepared give ft when the stranger stammered and hesitat- his own relatives, for he rather liked the up ed and made it known that he Some of his widows finally knew family. predilections v&re one conundrum. ere he again transformed them from Niobes just" Give it to us," said Mr. and the into willing, if not but it was Depew blushing brides, others in chorus. to the Benedict. all one conquering ' ' What is the difference between a The antiquated father of these girls was turkey and me?" solemnly asked the stranger. quite deaf. Not, perhaps, as deaf as a post, " Give it up," said Chairman nor as Tom Hood hath it, " Depew. The difference between a turkey and me," Deaf as the definite article" ' ' mildly said the stranger, is that they usual- neither as deaf as a miser is to quite usually ly stuff the bird with chestnuts after death. the entreaties of but deaf poverty ; certainly I am alive." as a man who has been wedded for half a cen- tury to the same women has every right to He also had Rules. be. a in When the governor went to this octoge- He had opened restaurant Buffalo, and narian to ask for his surviving daughter, a after two or three weeks he called at a bank to the cash on a small check conversation, thus faithfully reported, en- get received sued: from some one in Philadelphia. ' "Have to be sir" Pop, I want Lizzie !" identified, said the teller 'Eh?" as he shoved it back. ' "But I Blank of the I want you to let me have Eliz-a-beth !" am new restaurant around the corner." 'Oh, you want Lizzie, do you? What for?" "Must be identified." 'For my wife!" "This is payable to me on order, and I've ' For life ?" endorsed it," protested the restauranter. ' I want to marry her!" "Can't help it, sir. Rules of the bank." 1 The man went out and some one Oh, yes ! Just so ! I hear you boy." brought ' back to and the I'm precious glad you do 1" muttered the identify him, money was governor. handed over. Three days later the teller in for a lunch the "Well," slowly responded the veteran, dropped at new restaurant. had his seat his "you needn't holler so that the whole neigh- He taken and given order, when the him borhood knows it ! Yes have her. proprietor andx ; you can approached said: Claib. You've got 'em all now, my lad; but for goodness sake, if happens to "Have to be identified, sir." anything "How! What?" that 'ere poor, misguided gal, don't come and ask me for the old woman !" "Have to be identified before you can get Jackson solemnly promised that he never anything here, sir." ' would. Judge. 'Identified? I don't understand you," protested the teller. "Plain as day, sir. Rule of the house that The Joke was on Dr. Depew. all bank officials have to be identified. Bet- ter out and find some When Chauncey Depew is out of the way go responsible party some people like to have fun with him. Wall who knows you." ' ' if I do !" the and street men are now telling of his alleged ex- Hanged growled teller, his hat and the door perience on the over to England this last he reached for banged way he went out. time. Every evening a dozen or so clustered hard as in the smoking-room to tell stories and yarn Scared the cat. about things in general. Every soul save ,way one in the party kept his end up. The one "What a lot of bright ideas you have," exceptional member of the party did not exclaimed the young wife admiringly to her laugh or indicate by even a twinkle of the husband. ' ' eyes and interest in the funniest jokes, and But I haven't such bright eyes, dear, as was assilent as a door-knob at the best stories. you," exclaimed the young husband to hiss This conduct began to nettle Dr. Depew and wife. the other spirits, and when the final seance And then the family cat got up disgusted came around they had lost all patience with from her warm resting place by the sitting- the reticent and unresponsive stranger. Dr. room stove, and walked solemnly and slowly Depew, the story runs, was selected to bring out into the open air. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES. 109

"What time her Husband It be her last Visit. might got Home.

Mr,, Losher (4 a. m., with shoes in hand creeping xip the

hall stairs) : Jewhitaker ! Thun-

der and General Jackson ! Mrs. Losher (hanging over the banisters) : Is that you, love? Mr. Losher: I should say I am here, if pain is convincing. Who spilled these tacks on the stairs?

Mrs. Losher (soothingly; : I did, lovey. I wanted to make sure at what time you got home. A little bit after 12 to-night, isn't it, dear? Sweet Revenge. Voice from speaking tube "Help! H-e-l-p! I've caught a man in my room. Oh, what shall I do !" Clerk " That's FIRST WIDOW" Wh\% Mrs. Verdant, what do you intend to do (to himself) that old maid in 49." rith the pail ?" funny Clerk (through the tube) SECOND WIDOW-" you see, husband requested that Well, my poor "Lock the never his jjrave be kept green, and as I am about to be married again, I door; you'll thought I would give it a coat of green paint." have a chance to catch another.'*

Cause for Divorce. One of Eli Perkins' Stories. One when were I came aear having a divorce case myself. day, they criticising Dr. Bliss, General Sheridan came to the doctor's I was waiting at the depot for the east-bound defense. train. I was going down to Wall Street, "Dr. Bliss was a said New \ork, to see about some securities. A good physician," General Sheridan. "He saved life young man came from the lunch counter and my once." "How? How did Bliss save life?'* approached me. He was smoking a cigarette your ' asked Dr. Hammond. and looked effeminate. He said to me : 'Don't " "Well," said "I was sick you know "No," said I, "I don't Sheridan, very in the after the battle of Winchester. know, I am a stranger in this place. I don't hospital didn't see One day they sent for Dr. Agnew, of Phila- know 'any of the parties ; what and he but happened; don't know any of the circum- delphia, gave me some medicine, I sent for Dr. --tcvueae, and don't want to be called as a wit- kept getting worse. Then they ness." He looked up at me in somewhat of Frank Hamilton, and he gave me some more astonishment, and reached into his inside medicine, but I grew worse and worse. Then sent for Dr. and " pocket and pulled out fifteen dol a package they Bliss, of cigarettes with a picture of a woman "And you still grew worse?" dressed in a bathing suit and asked me to "No; Dr. Bliss didn't come; he saved my life!" take one. "No," said I; "young man. you may not know what you do. If I accept the photogragh of the tobacco woman at all she Not a Spendthrift. ** n must put on more clothing. Suppose Angem- And how do you sell you smiles ? as?ied ima should find that picture in my pocket. Jones of old Mrs. Rougemup, who was presid- Oh, no! I am not ready fora divorce yet." ing over a tabJe at a fancy fair. *' Just then the train pulled out and I had to A dollar apiece, sir; for the benefit ot the go. I bade the young man good by, and as a poor." parting advice, said I: "Young man, mind "Well, my dear madam, as it's tor a good your mother and stop smoking. cause you may give me fifty cents' worth'" On His Deiense. " A defendant walked into court with an Of two Choose the Lesser," evils, enormous bludgeon under his arm. Mrs. Lumkins: Joshua, I am going to the Judge What have you brought that blud- dentist's to have a tooth pulled out. You geon here for? mind the baby while I'm gone. Defendant I was told in the summons to Mr. Lumkins (jumping for his hat) : Say, come provided with means of defense, 1 first mind che I'll you baby and go and get a tooth thought of bringing my ax, but then I thought pulled, fou know. this would do. Charivari. NEW YARNS AND FUNNY JOKES.

Saw them both. Say. This is the word applied to the remarks you make after a four-hour run of bad luck. Table Stakes. Where the man, on the dealer's left forgets to put up, and you play to see who has the table.

Marks used to indicate what you know your wife will say to you when you get home. Puck.

The Man with the Coonskin Cap. One night, a year ago there were half a dozen of us to go up to the village hotel in the rickety old bus, and among the crowd was a solemn-looking old chap, dressed in very plain goods and wearing a coonskin cap. It \\as the typical village hotel-landlord in the bar-room, a very fresh young man behind the register, mighty little for supper, and that poorly cooked, and there was more or less growling. The man with the coonskin cap was treated very brusquely by the clerk, ai cl the frowsy-headed waiter girl didn't seem to STTMWAY "So have returned from Paris?" you he to eat not. SAWNTEB " Yes." care whether had anything or SuMWAY--"S;iw the Bois de Boulogne, I sup- He didn't say much, but it was evident that he was mad. pose?" " SAWNTER You are just right. And the girls After supper the landlord and "Coonskin" too."-Drakes Magazine. had a private confab. When it was ended the old man came down stairs, opened the In Poker. Technical Points used front door, and then turned to the clerk nr,d Age. Any gray-headed player. said: Ante. An unpopular relative always pre- "You git?" "What do mean!" sent at games or poker. " you I have rented this hotel. !" Blaze. -y-Something seen when four aces are Skip his held against a Westerner with an ace high The clerk put on coat and hat and walk j flush. ed out. Then "Coonskin" sent word to the* cook and waiter to be out in half an hour, Blind. A term applied to a man who don't girl for the hostler to be by and Bee you playfully steal a blue chip off his gone midnight, for the to vacate by noon the next In such cases, keep it. barkeeper pile. He allowed us to over Call. The sudden sense of duty that calls day. kindly stop some men home when one hundred dollars night, but we had to get our breakfast at a the ho+ol -.\< r ahead. bakery. By noon the doors'of nailed siecns of "Closed" posted, and as or bone up, Chips. Ivory tokens, representing we footed it down to the depot the solemn a fixed vakie in or "wind." money old man thawed out sufficiently to observe : Chipping, or to chip. Betting money, or more of 'em this ' "I'm after seven along *' in wind. blowing line of railroad, and if I can shut 'em up the Discard. the cards Throwing away given public will be in my debt. I have figured it you the and those in by dealer, playing your out to my entire satisfaction, and I truly be- boots. lieve that three-fifths of the crime in this Draw. The act of drawing a player's at- country is incited by poor hotel keeping." tention while you deal yourself six cards. Eldest or The oldest baldhead Hand, age. Infelicity. present. Jones, old fellow, you seem altered. Filling' Working the decanter often. "Why, Don't things work well in double-harness?" Foul Hand. hand that beats yours. Any "Oh, yes, Smith; only my wife is -sulky Frozen Out. Going home in the morning, broke. sometimes." quite that comes of saddled to a Better. home with ten dol- "Well, being Going Going wife. But I there is no serious breach lars. hope in the family." Going In, The time when you feel sure you "No; but I've found the check-rein ever will win. since my bridal day, and I don't like it a bit." Jack-Pots. A cross between a turkey-raffle "I thought I saw traces of trouble." ' and a chicken-shoot. 'Yes, a little. What galls me is the wag- Limit. An imaginary quantity. gin' tongue." Pass A term used when you want a friend 'Yes, I see. Fm sorry for you. It's my to pass you a heart. o 'inion that a man is best, sir, single. Ta taJ" "/I JTJEW* JPJRMCTICJIL, WORK." " KNOW THE LAW AND AVOID LITIGATION." PAYNE'S LEGAL ADVISER

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