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New Yarns and Funny Jokes

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New Yarns and Funny Jokes f IMfWtMTYLIBRARY^)Of AUKJUNIA h SAMMMO ^^F -J) NEW YARNS AND COMPRISING ORIGINAL AND SELECTED MERIGAN * HUMOR WITH MANY LAUGHABLE ILLUSTRATIONS. Copyright, 1890, by EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE. NEW YORK* EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSB, 29 & 3 1 Beekman Street EXCELSIOR PUBLISHING HOUSE, 29 &. 31 Beekman Street, New York, N. Y. PAYNE'S BUSINESS EDUCATOR AN- ED cyclopedia of the Knowl* edge necessary to the Conduct of Business, AMONG THE CONTENTS ARE: An Epitome of the Laws of the various States of the Union, alphabet- ically arranged for ready reference ; Model Business Letters and Answers ; in Lessons Penmanship ; Interest Tables ; Rules of Order for Deliberative As- semblies and Debating Societies Tables of Weights and Measures, Stand- ard and the Metric System ; lessons in Typewriting; Legal Forms for all Instruments used in Ordinary Business, such as Leases, Assignments, Contracts, etc., etc.; Dictionary of Mercantile Terms; Interest Laws of the United States; Official, Military, Scholastic, Naval, and Professional Titles used in U. S.; How to Measure Land ; in Yalue of Foreign Gold and Silver Coins the United states ; Educational Statistics of the World ; List of Abbreviations ; and Italian and Phrases Latin, French, Spanish, Words -, Rules of Punctuation ; Marks of Accent; Dictionary of Synonyms; Copyright Law of the United States, etc., etc., MAKING IN ALL THE MOST COMPLETE SELF-EDUCATOR PUBLISHED, CONTAINING 600 PAGES, BOUND IN EXTRA CLOTH. PRICE $2.00. N.B.- LIBERAL TERMS TO AGENTS ON THIS WORK. The above Book sent postpaid on receipt of price. Yar]Qs Jokes. ' ' A Natural Mistake. Well, Jim was champion quoit-thrower in them days, He's dead now, poor fellow, but Jim was a boss on throwing quoits. I tell you quoits was a great game them days. Every village had a quoit club, and the boys on the farms used to throw horseshoes It was something like baseball in these times, although I could never see so much fun in baseball as I could see in a good game of quoits. "Oh, come off," cried the impatient listener. "What did Jim do, or did he do anything? Did the man drown? " "Now, don't be too fly. Who's a tellin' this " yarn?" don't seem to be." " Well, you Go on ! Go on h" said the crowd. " ' Well, you know, in quoits a ringer was when you put the quoit around the stake. It counted double. Well, Jim he picks up the round life preserver its like a great big quoit, you know and as the capp'n came running aft, Jim he sings out, 'Capp'n I'll bet you $5 I'll make a ringer on that man if he comes up within the length of this line. ' ' ' Bet you $20 you can't, Wid the capp'n. ' ' ' ' Take you, said Jim, an; d jest at that minnit up bobs Mike's head about sixty feet astern. Jim threw it, and I'll be durned if that life-preserver didn't go plump over on Mike's head clear down on his shoulders, and NEW POLICEMAN" Oi'd loike to see yer permit, there it stuck. We got down the boat, and Bur." when we to Mike he hadn't come to SWELL "Permit?" got yet, (puzzled) " and didn't for some time after. He'd been a NEW POLICEMAN Yis, permit. It's agin de law fer raasqueraders ter parade de streets widout 'r goner if it hadn't been fur that ringer, al- permit. Go home an" take off de duds or I'll lock ye it took the skin off his nose." though " up." "Did the captain pay the $20? "Pay it! You jist bet he did. And Jim A Tough Yarn. he handed it over to Mike, and Mike he blew it all in when we got to Detroit, 1 wish some "TALKING of life said the preservers,'" of it was here now, fur I'm dry. truthful mariner as he knocked the ashes out mighty Don't mind if I do." ' ' Thanks. of his pipe, you remember the old steamer Roustabout that used to run from Buffalo to I was mate on her the Chicago? year before Why he didn't hold on. she was lost. We were about sixty miles out from Chicago when Mike Lanigan, who was AN Irish laborer working an the top of a doing something up on the mast, fell, struck new six-story building, missed his footing, on his head on the roof of the cabin and and on his descent, fell across the telegraph bounced clean out into the lake. Well, the wires, held on for dear life, and called for captain he see him fall, and he stopped and help. One of his fellow-workmen attracted backed that old Roustabout quicker'n you by his cries, called out to him to hold on to could say 'scat.' Mike went down like a the wire till he got a couple of mattresses plummet, for he was knocked insensible, and from an adjoining house, so he could fall I know'd there was no use to heave a life- easy. In the meantime the man released his preserver for him, so I jest hurried up the hold, and fell to the pavement, and lay there i' boys in getting the boat down, although I groaning when his companion returned, and didn't it 'ud do much We had at his not as he bid expect good. feeling" angry doing him, Jim on board. from Chicago. said : Ye numskul, why didn't ye hould on King Passenger " " I You remember Jim King, don't you? to the wire till come back ! The other ono "Can't say that I do, "remarked a by- says, "Begorra, I was afraid the wires id stander. brake." Y--UINS AND FUNNY JOKES. Sullivana vs. Sylvio Sylvesto. I introduce, Sylvio Sylvesto-Championltily" John L. Sullivan's combination while on then everyonea of the Italian man, clapa da ' its tour gave a show at Kansas City, Mo., foot and stampa da hand and cry. 'Viva la Ital- and advertised to to man who ianno. Knocka out a Shamrocka wida onea give $1000 any " could stand up to John L. for 4 rounds. Mac- Punch." Thena he say. I introduce Sham- rocka da caroni Spaghetti sees the advertisement and Sul' champion Ireland." Then evrry matches his friend Sylvio Sylvesto against one of the Irishman clapa da toota and Sullivan. He tells of the defeat and his stampa the hand "Horoo be labors. Killa de great " loss in his own peculiar way: banan' wida onea punch. Then purty quick "Well you see we re;;;la in the paper that he pulla da watch out of his poc and say the Shamrocka Sullivana coma here! You time-" than they come up to the fronta know the Shamrocka Sullivana, the fighta of da stage and shaka da hand just lika man who kuocka everybody out with a onea da besta frien". Purty quick Shamrocka punch. Well we have onea stronga Italian Sullivana stand lika dis very nica way he Boy, oh he stronga as the dev'. Biga de inns' stan' everybody lika da stand Sylvio disaway, biga de mus' dataway and chest standa lika dis-^-everybody no lika da stand lik one elephant. Well I go to Sylvio and Sylvio he spita da hand deesa way he say : Sylvio you fighta the Shamrocka Sulli- hava two biga da hand lika onea bunch a da vana? He say you beta sweeta lifea I will banan. Purta quick Sylvio maka a punchy for no hita de fighta for my countra. Well, I taka him Shamrocka; he Shamrocka, a' he no home wida me and give him plenta good eat Sylvio maka noder punch Shamrocka maccaroni soft da sheila a crab, maka him hitta him agan Purty quick Shamrocka go deesa call him cutta hitta very stronga man oh, he very strong biga way you up way de onea knocka him downa da leg, biga de mus, yes biga da head. I sell Sylvio punch vera Then I da and to onea da wag' for forty dol' : I sell onea da quicka. jumpa stage go horse for twenty dol' and sell anoder wag' for Sylvio and say "Sylvio, Sylvio speaka to me" dol' dat maka, he no to me I to him threeda forty ; one hundred dol', then I speaka speaka ' fourda he still to go to brother Lugi. I say 'Lugi sella da pea time, no speaka me nutta stand an' banan' stand for whata you Shamrocka knocka him outa wida onea punch I dhinka he killa him I feela getta." Well, he sella da stan' and puta de vera mucha mon' upon Sylvio Ver' well; de mighta bad, I nearly go craze. I loose alia my mon' the Shamarocka come Theatre all biga crowd twoa wag and onea horse; my brother very mucha excite. Puty quick a man wida Lugi loosa da peanutta and chestnuta stand balda heada, his nama is is isa Pattada ana feel lika cutting Sylvio's d throat wid a stilletto. I will to Sheedy, coma outa da stagea He say, gen- go back New York tlemena, we hava a threeta fourda rounda and try to geta more mon' and make plenta mon' if fighta, gooseberry marka rules. with da organ' and da monk,' Mayor Granta will giva me a permita pape to play Thena ! Shamrocka Sullivana he sita dat a da muse and showd the monk'. side of da stage. Sylvio sita dees side of da Then Patta da ' ' As adapted and rendered br the Popular Humorist stage.
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