Marriage and the New Muslim Sister
Total Page:16
File Type:pdf, Size:1020Kb
A MUST READ! Marriage and the New Muslim Sister Al-hamdulillah, you are a new Muslimah! It often seems that the first words you hear from other Muslims after you've taken your shahada is, "Are you married?" Many, many new sisters report that they feel frustrated with the intense attention paid to their marital status. Often you will hear things like, "Marriage is half your deen," "It is the Sunnah," "You must help keep the brothers from committing unlawful sexual intercourse," and "That's what Muslim women do." Slam on the Breaks! Wait a Minute! It is true that marriage and family life are important, the building blocks of the Islamic community. However, I think it is unfair for people to expect new sisters to turn around and get married right away. As a new Muslimah, you are going to find pressure from your family, friends, and co-workers, and you will find yourself stumbling through a new culture and lifestyle. In a way, it's like being a baby, having to learn everything over again, and there will be a lot of frustration. Although you may be eager to run out and get married right away, I have to ask you to check yourself, and really think deeply about how well you can handle a commitment like marriage, when you've just made your first step in making a commitment to Allah ta'ala. If the brother is on some sort of deviancy, or isn't really practicing, or treats you in a horribly cruel manner, this will only serve to drive you away from Islam before you have had the opportunity to really study it. Staying single within the Muslim community for a little while will also afford you the opportunity to observe married couples, get to know other sisters, and observe the conduct of men within your community. It will also give you time to build up a reputation according to your Islamic practices, and not the fact that you're just the latest news. Marriage in Islam: An Overview of Rights As you may know, courtship and marriage are conducted in a radically different manner than you may be used to. No more dating, no more holding hands, no more going out for dinner, or hanging out at each other's house. Obviously, there is no pre-marital intimacy allowed. This doesn't mean that you don't choose your spouse [that's right, you still get to choose...] for reasons other than pleasant companionship, similar interests, and similar mannerisms. What it means is that you get to know each other, often in a short period of time, through chaperoned meetings, phone calls, and letters, rather than just "hanging out." In Islam, marriage is looked at as a partnership [despite outside opinions to the contrary], and it is the foundation upon which an Islamic society is built. And yes, Islam holds a "traditional" view of the male/female dynamic within that marriage. Each spouse has certain rights over the other, and each spouse has certain responsibilities towards the other. Responsibilities incumbent upon both spouses include, foremost, that mutual respect and appreciation is present in the most everyday and mundane dealings. Rigid rules of behavior and unrealistic expectations only serve to undermine the position of both spouses. Secondly, each spouse is responsible for their own diyn, or religion. You can't blame your husband's laziness for you not making morning prayers. Likewise, he can't blame your cooking (which is probably superb!) for his going out and eating or drinking haram foods. Responsibilities of the Husband The dowry (mahr): This is his absolute obligation and your absolute right under Islamic law. The man MUST offer a dowry of some sort, although you do have the right to waive the mahr. The marriage is not valid without a mahr being stipulated and either waived or agreed upon in the contract. The purpose of the mahr is to safeguard the economic status of the woman in the event that she is divorced or widowed, or the husband loses work. The husband must comply with the wedding contract in the amount of the mahr, whether it is real estate, money, jewels, or something else. Nowadays, many women specify that they would like a car, computer, or capital to start their own business. The mahr can be paid immediately before the marriage, or deferred until later after the marriage. If the husband later makes it clear that he has no intention of paying the mahr, the marriage is invalidated and the husband is deemed to have committed a great sin. If you divorce before the marriage is consummated, then half the dower is due to you (2:237), and you have the right to remit that also. Once the marriage is consummated, the husband has no right whatsoever to ask for any portion of the mahr. Too many American sisters waive their rights to a mahr, or accept "tokens" as their dowry. While this is fine for those who are really, truly in love [for instance, those who have known their spouse-to-be for many years], the fact is, the ignorance of many new Muslim women on the subject of mahr has made them unwitting targets of men who are reluctant to fulfill this duty. The dowry isn't a "nicey nice" gesture, it is part of your economic safeguard should your husband die, or divorce you, or lose work. The scholars of Islam have generally said that a year's maintenance is an acceptable dowry. American Muslimahs are known for their willingness to accept extremely small dowries ($10) or token dowries (a set of hadith translations, a few nice dresses) which the husband would most likely provide after marriage anyway. [For instance, it is his obligation to provide you with clothing, not his favor.] Jeffrey Lang*, in his book Struggling to Surrender*, mentions: "Interestingly, I am often asked by young foreign Muslim men if I know any American Muslim women who are interested in getting married. When I advise them that it may be easier to find someone in their home country, I am frequently told that American women ask for much smaller dowries. Personally, I am not comfortable with introducing my friends to men who wish to take advantage of their unfamiliarity with this institution." http://www.muslimedia.com/ARCHIVES/book99/usislambk.htmhttp://www.biblio.com/isbn/0915957264.html Maintaining the Household: This means he is responsible for all (that's right, all) household expenses. This is obligatory on him. The wife is not obliged to provide anything of her needs, no matter how rich or poor she is. The husband must provide for her clothing appropriate for each season, food, and shelter. The obligation of maintenance is a must upon the husband even if the wife and he are living in separate quarters (the wife living separately with his consent-- say for instance, one goes overseas for school). Residence: The husband must at least provide for the wife a home where no other relatives reside. It is her right to agree to live with his family members and waive the right to private residence. If this is the case, he should provide her with a private area which is accessible to her only, where she can keep her personal belongings. Overseeing the Islamic education of the wife and the children: In Islam, the husband is the head of the family, and is responsible for ensuring that both his wife and his children have access to appropriate Islamic educational materials. This means ensuring that his wife has access to Qur'an, Tasfir (exegis, explanatory commentary of Qur'an), hadith, scholarly texts, halaqas, whatever. Usually, it is the wife and mother who becomes the children's main educator and it is in everyone's best interests for the husband to uphold this responsibility with rigor. Conjugal Relations: The wife is entitled to sexual relations at least once every four nights (since this is as many wives as he can have), and / or enough to keep her from falling into any type of haram behavior. It is also expected that the man satisfy the wife to the degree where she is not tempted to commit zina, or adultery. It is absolutely forbidden for him to expect her to have sex in the presence of a cognizant third party (such as other adults). A wife should expect that her husband will approach her gently and with concern for her feelings also. The Prophet (sallalahu aleyhi wa salaam) told his Companions not to approach their wives like a camel approaches a she-camel (that is, without any intimate and affectionate behaviors beforehand). There are other hadith where the Prophet (sallalahu aleyhi wa salaam) advises them to joke and cuddle with their wives, and to make sure that she receives her pleasures as well. For more on intimate marital relations, please read "The Muslim Marriage Guide" by Ruqayyah Waris Maqsood. (Links provided in last paragraph under "Final Word".) Justice: The husband must abstain from using -- rather, abusing -- his rights in a cruel or unjust manner. Kindness to wives is repeated throughout the Qur'an and the Hadith. Responsibilities of the Wife Conjugal Relations: The first and foremost responsibility of a wife towards her husband is his right to enjoy conjugal relations with his wife. It is obligatory for you to "go to your husband" when he asks you if you are at home, can physically endure it (i.e., you're not ill or injured), and have received your mahr. It is absolutely forbidden for a man to have intercourse with his wife during her menses (although other intimacies are allowed), during post-natal bleeding, or during daylight hours in the month of Ramadan.