A group of misfit sled dogs enter the Iditarod in order to save their beloved owner after he gets in over his head with the Alaskan mob. STARRING

Adam Sandler … Paul / Boner

Zac Efron … Leroy

Blake Griffin … Blake

Topher Grace … Yip

Kevin James … Tater

Kevin Hart … Rico

Rob Schneider … Bingo The Bad Dogs

Jimmy Tatro … Griffin

David Spade … Darren

Kevin Garnet … Dagger

Miles Teller … Talon

Bill Burr … Banshee

The Rock … Goliath

Joel McHale … Trav (the musher) The Good Boys

Rob Lowe … Milo

Jerry O’Connell … Ace

Blake Anderson … Rusty

Sarah Silverman … Stella

Jason Biggs … Gizmo

Kevin Farley … Boomer

Kevin Nealon … Craig (musher) Other Guys

Dan Patrick … Race Announcer

Joe Buck … Race Announcer

Rachel Nichols … Rachel

Will Ferrell … Gunnar (foreign dog)

Gary Busey … Ghost of Balto

Trey Wingo … Weed Iditarod Facts (via Wikipedia)

• 1,000 miles from Anchorage to Nome in March • Must win earlier race to qualify • No drugging dogs! • Prize is $69k and new pickup truck. • Course record is 8 days, 3 hours, 40 minutes, 13 seconds.

• The race is a very important and popular sporting event in Alaska, and the top mushers and their teams of dogs are local celebrities.

• Dogs that become exhausted or injured may be carried in the sled's "basket" to the next "dog-drop" site, where they are transported by the volunteer Iditarod Air Force to the Hiland Mountain Correctional Center at Eagle River where they are taken care of by prison inmates until picked up by handlers or family members, or they are flown to Nome for transport home. Research BONER DOGS Written by Sam Klemmer

EXT. CABIN - NIGHT Open on a snowy night in Alaska outside a little cabin with glowing lights. Playful YELPS can be heard.

INT. CABIN - NIGHT Inside, a little girl plays with 3 small HUSKY PUPPIES while the dogs’ mom lays curled by the fire. What a wholesome scene. GRIFFIN has a traditional looking coat. ROVELL has discernible black paws that look like socks. The black and white fur on LEROY’s face looks like there is a big white SPLAT on his eye. Leroy chases Griffin. GRIFFIN Haha, can’t catch me! I’m gonna be the fastest sled dog EVER!

LEROY Haha, yeah right! MOM DOG Careful boys!

LITTLE GIRL Mom, can we please keep them? They’re sooo cute! MOM (OS) I told you sweetie, there’s barely room in this house for one dog! LITTLE GIRL (disappointed) I knowww. Leroy catches Griffin and tackles him. They wrestle. ROVELL Loser sleeps outsiiide, loser sleeps outsiiide! Griffin gets on top and pins Leroy. GRIFFIN Surrender!

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 2.

LEROY Never!

Leroy pushes with all his might. Suddenly, Griffin’s eyes go HUGE and he jumps off. GRIFFIN What the HECK!?

LEROY HA! I’m too strong! He approaches Griffin who backs away. GRIFFIN Get away from me! Rovell stares at Griffin, scared. ROVELL Ughhh! What IS that!?

Leroy looks between his legs. There is a red THING sticking out of his stomach! He yelps and rolls onto his back, revealing a throbbing, wet, red, ROCKET SHIP of a boner. LEROY Ahhh! What the heck!? The little girl SCREAMS! Her scream startles Mom Dog who jolts up, kicking a flaming log out of the fireplace. GRIFFIN It went in my butt, IT WENT IN MY BUTT!! LEROY Get it off me!

Rovell swats at the boner with his paw and Leroy screams in pain. The girl’s mom rushes in. MOM What’s going on!?

Little girl points to Leroy. LITTLE GIRL EWW there’s STUFF coming out of it!

The boner, even veinier than before, is now pulsing out a greenish slime. The mom is disgusted but then sees the curtains are on fire and rushes to put them out. Rovell looks down. There’s slime all over his paw.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 3.

ROVELL It’s on me!! He gags then barfs. Mom dog runs over and starts eating it. Griffin squats, whimpering.

GRIFFIN I can still feel it, get it out! He starts shitting.

LEROY I’m sorry! Look, I can fix it! He leans over and starts licking at his penis. LITTLE GIRL Mommy what’s happening!? The mom beats at the flaming curtains with a pillow and screams at the girl. MOM Look away, look away! Just then, the girl’s dad comes in from outside to see his house on fire, his kid hysterically crying, one dog shitting, one barfing, one eating the barf and one licking himself. They’re all howling.

DAD What the- UGH, he’s sucking his own dick! Leroy looks up, the boner pops out of his mouth.

LEROY (miserable) It’s not helping.

Back to the dad with a splat of boner goo in his eye. Leroy barfs.

EXT. CABIN - NIGHT

Dad tosses Leroy outside. DAD Get outside you little freak!

He slams the door.

(CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 4.

Leroy stands in the snow, shaking in the cold winter night. Suddenly he hears a muffled yelling beneath him. He winces as he rolls over and looks down his belly where his BONER, lookin like a talking earthworm, yells at him.

BONER ( crazy guy voice) WOWOWOWZA eet ees COLD out here!! Leroy stares down in shock.

BONER Oh, right. Nice to meet you, I am your penis- Boner suddenly sneezes, covering the screen with green goo.

GREEN SLIMY TITLECARD: BONER DOGS Sam Klemmer

14 DOG YEARS LATER...

Open on dog feet, pounding down a packed trail. Pan up to see a familiar white splat of fur on a now full grown Leroy at a gallop. We hear muffled shouts, is this a race? He sure is acting like it. Suddenly a snowball SNAPS him back to reality. The shouts were a terrified woman on the sled Leroy was pulling. His owner, Paul Frank Thomas, is screaming for him to slow down. Leroy looks back at the woman, her face covered with snow. He smirks at her shrieks. He surges forward but when he does, he hears a familiar voice between his legs, taunting him. He slips and falls, causing the sled to flip over. The woman gives Paul an earful, that Leroy should be put down, and storms off.

Leroy lives in a little village in Alaska with Paul and 4 other dogs. Paul has a sled dog business that takes tourists around a track or out on day trips into the wilderness. Leroy has a good life, but dreams of being a real racer and idolizes the pro sled teams that he sees passing through town - the top team happens to be led by his brother, Griffin. His other brother Rovell is on the team as well. They were bought by star musher and local celebrity, Travis Duke. Leroy was given to Paul for free.

Leroy is as fast as any pro dog, there’s just one problem- his boner. He can’t control what it does or when it comes out, when it hits the snow it hurts, it makes it difficult for him to run, and oh also, it has a mind of its own and screams at him and is real mean. He can’t figure out what to do, so he’s just resigned to his situation.

Grif passes by the farm on a practice run, and invites Leroy to try out for his team. Leroy is psyched, but nervous. At the tryouts, he looks by far the best heading into the final race, and has beat every member of the team - except Grif - who steps in as his final opponent. Leroy is winning towards the end, but Grif taunts him about his boner, causing Leroy to trip and lose. Bummer. Guess it’s back to pulling around rich ladies.

Meanwhile, things aren’t great at the farm. Ever since the death of his twin brother Eric, Paul has let things fall apart. Business isn’t great, and he gambles on sports...a lot. On the day that Leroy lost his tryout, the sports gods were also unkind to Paul. He bet the farm and lost it all. He has no choice but to either sell the ranch and the dogs, or skip town to avoid paying the Alaskan mob.

A third option presents itself a few days later. Rachel, a reporter from the lower 48, arrives at the farm. She’s in the area to do a piece about the Iditarod and was going to interview Trav - people are saying this is his year. She wants to take a sled ride to be able to write about what it’s like. Paul ends up telling her about his predicament and she jokes that he could go win the Iditarod - the prize money is $69k (nice). That night, Paul looks around at his dogs and decides he can’t give up on them just yet. He tells Rachel he’s gonna enter, but first they need to win a qualifying match and they’re down a dog. Rachel says that she brought her dog, Blake, to keep her company and says he can join the team. Blake is not a husky, but is athletic as shit and wicked chill. Leroy and the rest look at him suspiciously, and Leroy challenges him to a race in order to be on the team. “Sure, whatever” - Blake. They are stunned when he beats Leroy, who slowed down at the last moment to avoid getting a boner. Also Blake is just too laid back not to like - and he’s their only option.

Sam Klemmer

At the qualifying race, they all walk weird in the booties they’re required to wear. They quickly fall into last place, as Blake has never raced before and they don’t know how to run as a team. Miraculously, they end up winning because by falling so far behind, they completely miss the bear/moose attack that wipes out all the other teams. So technically they are the only finishers and qualify!

That night an old grizzled dog comes and warns them about the dangers of the race. He was once a member of Trav’s team but once he got hurt, Trav cast him out on the streets, so he would love to see them lose. “Do you have any tips for us?” “Oh, no, you guys have no shot. I’m just venting while I shit.” He teaches them to shit while running, laughing to himself how hopeless they are.

The Iditarod is the BIG leagues. There are teams from Nordic countries, and everyone looks more legit than Leroy’s gang. Grif shows up with his team - they are undeniably STACKED. The race begins in Anchorage. Cheering crowds, it is cool. Trav talks some shit to Paul, so Paul bets him that whoever loses has to get a cat. Trav, disgusted, accepts. Then reminds Paul that a cat is the least of his problems if he loses, since he’s probably getting murdered by the Alaskan mafia. Right.

The race begins. Once away from the crowds, Grif bites the guys next to them and they make everyone eat their dust. This shit is cutthroat. That night at camp, Leroy and co. meet a really strong team that won the first day, who are really nice to them. They are led by Milo. Leroy also notices a cute female dog on the team named Stella. Grif approaches Leroy and extends an olive branch, saying he’s impressed they made it this far, and offers some of their fancy food for him and the rest of the team. Leroy is touched until Grif offers a round of Primo Kib to everyone at the camp as well.

The next day, they feel funny and start to pass other dog teams on the trail who are pulled over shitting. They got played - Grif’s food gave everyone diarrhea! Leroy’s team uses their training and shits while they run and pull into third place behind Milo's team, who also knows how to shit on the run. Grif’s team has a big lead. That night there’s a huge snowstorm, so Paul brings the dogs into his tent. All the dogs have a wicked case of farts. Blake claims to have the nastiest farts, but Tater, the Big Fella, has the WORST. They hotbox the place, and they all get high and see the ghost of Balto, the Babe Ruth of dogsledding, who just says a bunch of nonsense they don’t understand. Meanwhile, the smell is so bad that Paul has to leave the tent - and sees that Trav has cut their lines and left! Milo’s team is gone too.

They give chase, but there’s a ton of ground to make up. A ways down the trail, they see that the Nice Guys are hanging off a cliff - the Bad Guys created a fake trail, straight over the edge. Paul decides to save them, all but ruining his chances to win. Leroy and the team straps themselves to the other sled and pulls them up just in time. Unfortunately the sled is trashed and Milo injured his leg. He tells Leroy that there’s a chance they could still win- but it’s through Devil’s Threeway- the most dangerous pass in Alaska. It’s incredibly steep and once you lose control, you’re done for.

The rest of the guys want to keep going but Leroy says there’s no point. They’re shocked - he’s the one who convinced them to do this! Blake calls him out for not running his hardest and Leroy admits it. He says he realized his boner comes out when he’s trying his absolute hardest. He never thought they would actually have a chance to win and once they lost, maybe he’d get adopted by a Sam Klemmer normal family and not have to think about being a failed race dog anymore and just live an ordinary life. It’s a somber moment. Blake gets fired up, which is very unlike Blake. He gives a whole speech about how what the fuck’s the point of doing anything if you don’t give it your all!? Then they all notice something - Blake has a boner. Blake is shocked and admits he’s never had a boner before. He realizes it’s because he’s never cared about anything until now. Caring gives him a boner! They go around and reveal what they care about most - the most vulnerable thing about themselves - and all get boners. Yip gets fear boners. Tater gets boners for delicious food. Rico is super horny. Bingo gets horny for death (hunting and killing), which is a little fucked up. Huge bonding moment. They decide to go for it. All the while, Paul has watched his dogs sitting in a circle, barking at each other and getting boners... Before they go, Leroy takes a walk alone and prays for his penis to cooperate. His penis comes out and explains he just wants what’s best for Leroy.

They get to Devil’s Threeway, and it is terrifying. They start running. Leroy and Blake get boners right away and notice that it helps them run fast but keep control, using their dicks like rudders. They realize what to do and start yelling back at everyone about what’s gonna happen if they win the race- Tater can eat anything he wants, Rico’s gonna get super laid, etc. It encourages them all to run faster and each of them get boners. They’re running like a well oiled MACHINE. Cue Click ​ ​ ​ Click Boom by Saliva. Half excited, half in pain, they start howling, and start an avalanche! They ​ run for their lives. Toward the bottom it looks like their path is blocked and they’ll be crushed! But Leroy remembers Balto’s advice and they blast through the middle, putting them back on the main trail, and in an all out, neck and neck sprint to the finish with Trav and Grif. They fall a nose behind, but Leroy runs so hard he cums, which launches him over the finish line - a nose ahead. They WIN!

Wow, guess it wasn’t Duke’s year. Paul pays off the gangsters and the dogs realize they’re going back to being poor. But it turns out Paul bet on them to win, at 100-1 odds, winning $6,900,000. Woah. Grif and the rest are sore losers and go to leave with their gfs, but the ladies look over at Leroy and the boys with huge boners and leave with them instead. Leroy reunites with Stella and finally understands his boner. Paul get’s with Rachel. Happy ending for all!