A group of misfit sled dogs enter the Iditarod in order to save their beloved owner after he gets in over his head with the Alaskan mob. STARRING Adam Sandler … Paul / Boner Zac Efron … Leroy Blake Griffin … Blake Topher Grace … Yip Kevin James … Tater Kevin Hart … Rico Rob Schneider … Bingo The Bad Dogs Jimmy Tatro … Griffin David Spade … Darren Kevin Garnet … Dagger Miles Teller … Talon Bill Burr … Banshee The Rock … Goliath Joel McHale … Trav (the musher) The Good Boys Rob Lowe … Milo Jerry O’Connell … Ace Blake Anderson … Rusty Sarah Silverman … Stella Jason Biggs … Gizmo Kevin Farley … Boomer Kevin Nealon … Craig (musher) Other Guys Dan Patrick … Race Announcer Joe Buck … Race Announcer Rachel Nichols … Rachel Will Ferrell … Gunnar (foreign dog) Gary Busey … Ghost of Balto Trey Wingo … Weed Iditarod Facts (via Wikipedia) • 1,000 miles from Anchorage to Nome in March • Must win earlier race to qualify • No drugging dogs! • Prize is $69k and new pickup truck. • Course record is 8 days, 3 hours, 40 minutes, 13 seconds. • The race is a very important and popular sporting event in Alaska, and the top mushers and their teams of dogs are local celebrities. • Dogs that become exhausted or injured may be carried in the sled's "basket" to the next "dog-drop" site, where they are transported by the volunteer Iditarod Air Force to the Hiland Mountain Correctional Center at Eagle River where they are taken care of by prison inmates until picked up by handlers or family members, or they are flown to Nome for transport home. Research BONER DOGS Written by Sam Klemmer EXT. CABIN - NIGHT Open on a snowy night in Alaska outside a little cabin with glowing lights. Playful YELPS can be heard. INT. CABIN - NIGHT Inside, a little girl plays with 3 small HUSKY PUPPIES while the dogs’ mom lays curled by the fire. What a wholesome scene. GRIFFIN has a traditional looking coat. ROVELL has discernible black paws that look like socks. The black and white fur on LEROY’s face looks like there is a big white SPLAT on his eye. Leroy chases Griffin. GRIFFIN Haha, can’t catch me! I’m gonna be the fastest sled dog EVER! LEROY Haha, yeah right! MOM DOG Careful boys! LITTLE GIRL Mom, can we please keep them? They’re sooo cute! MOM (OS) I told you sweetie, there’s barely room in this house for one dog! LITTLE GIRL (disappointed) I knowww. Leroy catches Griffin and tackles him. They wrestle. ROVELL Loser sleeps outsiiide, loser sleeps outsiiide! Griffin gets on top and pins Leroy. GRIFFIN Surrender! (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 2. LEROY Never! Leroy pushes with all his might. Suddenly, Griffin’s eyes go HUGE and he jumps off. GRIFFIN What the HECK!? LEROY HA! I’m too strong! He approaches Griffin who backs away. GRIFFIN Get away from me! Rovell stares at Griffin, scared. ROVELL Ughhh! What IS that!? Leroy looks between his legs. There is a red THING sticking out of his stomach! He yelps and rolls onto his back, revealing a throbbing, wet, red, ROCKET SHIP of a boner. LEROY Ahhh! What the heck!? The little girl SCREAMS! Her scream startles Mom Dog who jolts up, kicking a flaming log out of the fireplace. GRIFFIN It went in my butt, IT WENT IN MY BUTT!! LEROY Get it off me! Rovell swats at the boner with his paw and Leroy screams in pain. The girl’s mom rushes in. MOM What’s going on!? Little girl points to Leroy. LITTLE GIRL EWW there’s STUFF coming out of it! The boner, even veinier than before, is now pulsing out a greenish slime. The mom is disgusted but then sees the curtains are on fire and rushes to put them out. Rovell looks down. There’s slime all over his paw. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 3. ROVELL It’s on me!! He gags then barfs. Mom dog runs over and starts eating it. Griffin squats, whimpering. GRIFFIN I can still feel it, get it out! He starts shitting. LEROY I’m sorry! Look, I can fix it! He leans over and starts licking at his penis. LITTLE GIRL Mommy what’s happening!? The mom beats at the flaming curtains with a pillow and screams at the girl. MOM Look away, look away! Just then, the girl’s dad comes in from outside to see his house on fire, his kid hysterically crying, one dog shitting, one barfing, one eating the barf and one licking himself. They’re all howling. DAD What the- UGH, he’s sucking his own dick! Leroy looks up, the boner pops out of his mouth. LEROY (miserable) It’s not helping. Back to the dad with a splat of boner goo in his eye. Leroy barfs. EXT. CABIN - NIGHT Dad tosses Leroy outside. DAD Get outside you little freak! He slams the door. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 4. Leroy stands in the snow, shaking in the cold winter night. Suddenly he hears a muffled yelling beneath him. He winces as he rolls over and looks down his belly where his BONER, lookin like a talking earthworm, yells at him. BONER (Adam Sandler crazy guy voice) WOWOWOWZA eet ees COLD out here!! Leroy stares down in shock. BONER Oh, right. Nice to meet you, I am your penis- Boner suddenly sneezes, covering the screen with green goo. GREEN SLIMY TITLECARD: BONER DOGS Sam Klemmer 14 DOG YEARS LATER... Open on dog feet, pounding down a packed trail. Pan up to see a familiar white splat of fur on a now full grown Leroy at a gallop. We hear muffled shouts, is this a race? He sure is acting like it. Suddenly a snowball SNAPS him back to reality. The shouts were a terrified woman on the sled Leroy was pulling. His owner, Paul Frank Thomas, is screaming for him to slow down. Leroy looks back at the woman, her face covered with snow. He smirks at her shrieks. He surges forward but when he does, he hears a familiar voice between his legs, taunting him. He slips and falls, causing the sled to flip over. The woman gives Paul an earful, that Leroy should be put down, and storms off. Leroy lives in a little village in Alaska with Paul and 4 other dogs. Paul has a sled dog business that takes tourists around a track or out on day trips into the wilderness. Leroy has a good life, but dreams of being a real racer and idolizes the pro sled teams that he sees passing through town - the top team happens to be led by his brother, Griffin. His other brother Rovell is on the team as well. They were bought by star musher and local celebrity, Travis Duke. Leroy was given to Paul for free. Leroy is as fast as any pro dog, there’s just one problem- his boner. He can’t control what it does or when it comes out, when it hits the snow it hurts, it makes it difficult for him to run, and oh also, it has a mind of its own and screams at him and is real mean. He can’t figure out what to do, so he’s just resigned to his situation. Grif passes by the farm on a practice run, and invites Leroy to try out for his team. Leroy is psyched, but nervous. At the tryouts, he looks by far the best heading into the final race, and has beat every member of the team - except Grif - who steps in as his final opponent. Leroy is winning towards the end, but Grif taunts him about his boner, causing Leroy to trip and lose. Bummer. Guess it’s back to pulling around rich ladies. Meanwhile, things aren’t great at the farm. Ever since the death of his twin brother Eric, Paul has let things fall apart. Business isn’t great, and he gambles on sports...a lot. On the day that Leroy lost his tryout, the sports gods were also unkind to Paul. He bet the farm and lost it all. He has no choice but to either sell the ranch and the dogs, or skip town to avoid paying the Alaskan mob. A third option presents itself a few days later. Rachel, a reporter from the lower 48, arrives at the farm. She’s in the area to do a piece about the Iditarod and was going to interview Trav - people are saying this is his year. She wants to take a sled ride to be able to write about what it’s like. Paul ends up telling her about his predicament and she jokes that he could go win the Iditarod - the prize money is $69k (nice). That night, Paul looks around at his dogs and decides he can’t give up on them just yet. He tells Rachel he’s gonna enter, but first they need to win a qualifying match and they’re down a dog. Rachel says that she brought her dog, Blake, to keep her company and says he can join the team. Blake is not a husky, but is athletic as shit and wicked chill. Leroy and the rest look at him suspiciously, and Leroy challenges him to a race in order to be on the team. “Sure, whatever” - Blake. They are stunned when he beats Leroy, who slowed down at the last moment to avoid getting a boner. Also Blake is just too laid back not to like - and he’s their only option. Sam Klemmer At the qualifying race, they all walk weird in the booties they’re required to wear.